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Both sides are aware of how dangerously powerful they are due to their understanding and mastery of nature , magic , and science ; following a rigid code of conduct . But they are also aware that their Creator has worked into the nature of the universe an anomaly - a balancing feature that can lead to the extinction of the entire dragon race . The key to overcoming the balance between Draca and the key to victory lies in the existence of these eight special humans . These humans have different combinations of powers based on the existing types of magic - psychic talents , spellcasting abilities , spiritual summoning , and elemental control . Beyond their magical abilities , what makes these eight particular humans so special is their unique ability to bond with dragons in a way that could provide both dragon and human with powers and benefits yet unknown by either race . The sound of her cry was the first thing he sensed . It was the cry of a very young baby , born no earlier than a day or two before . It did not take long for him to sense her spirit . It was fresh and new , fragile and tenuous like dew exposed to the bright morning sun , but with a firm hold on life . Her spirit tingled with magical talent . It was amazing how strong her emanation was , for him to be able to detect her from so far away . He could not believe he was chasing after a human baby on nothing other than Poli 's word . After discovering that Kelita was not the one he was looking for , the young dragon had felt nothing but cynicism for this mission , this centuries - old cause he and his fellow Tueri were chosen for . There had been too many false alarms , too many failures . His faith in this task assigned to him and his peers was all but dead . He flew higher to prevent his tail from icing over . He had truly believed that Kelita was his destined ward . She was a powerful sorceress , brave and loyal , his cherished companion . He had waited years before he finally told her what he was and why he was there , and she had been supportive and willing to do anything to help him . But when he tried to mark her , to create the special bond with her by giving her the branding scratch on her forehead , it did not work . Instead of the flash of light that should have bloomed out of the scratch , all that came out of Kelita was a scream . She eventually recovered , but the realization that she was not the one was devastating for both human and dragon . It was incomprehensible . If any human existed in this world with the courage and power to be one of the eight they were seeking , Kelita would be the one . The dragon stretched his wings and let the strong wind currents carry him . He was well - hidden within the black of the sky and water in the moonless night . If any of the Draca Debellos were trailing him , they would have a hard time spotting his jet - black silhouette . However , just the thought of them made him pick up speed . If anything served to motivate him , it was to get one up on those horrid dragons . He hated the Debellos . Their belief that dragons were a superior race disgusted him . The master race , with the right , no , the duty , to dominate and subjugate all other races to serve them ; that 's what the Draca were supposed to be , according to the Debellos . It was enraging to see his kind treat other races the way they did . Weren 't they all made by the same Creator ? What if dragons had to worry about some more evolved race doing something like that to them ? Stupid , unbelievably stupid . But the worst part was that the Debellos would try to rule the humans . They had tried before , thousands of years ago . But back then , the humans proved to be more than a match for the overconfident dragons . Using magic and their uncanny understanding of science , they decimated the army of dragons that invaded their world . Human evolution and technological advancement was so rapid that the dragons were intimidated enough to leave them alone and keep their existence a secret . Only obscure legends remained of the dragons that had once lived in the humans ' world . Then , as generations passed and humans progressed , the humans had abandoned their mysterious magic and supernatural powers to focus on science and technology . Science they could explain to themselves , magic and supernatural forces they could not . They advanced far enough to begin exploring beyond their planet . They even came very close to discovering how to reach other dimensions . The dragons called that time the Presage , the era of the threat of humans discovering the existence of other worlds and races , including dragons . At that point , humans with their vast knowledge of science could easily dominate dragons , despite the Draca 's powerful magic . Pure dragon magic was paramount , but it did have one big limitation . His nightvision detected land on the horizon . He was almost there . He shook the ice off his tail and flew at top speed , hurtling across the sandy beach and into the nearby mountains , following the emanation of power he sensed . How could a baby exude power like that ? She was deep underground , inside a cave , no doubt . I don 't need to find the cave . I can feel her so clearly that I can just phase myself over to where she is . His massive body circled once over the mountains and disappeared . He found himself in a narrow cavern lit by an unknown source . To one side he spotted a man and a woman huddled in a corner . The woman held a squirming bundle in her arms . The dragon snorted in relief . He had found the baby . Before he could congratulate himself , however , movement to his other side made him whirl around . He stood between the couple and their baby and a blood - red dragon . The great red , not happy with the intrusion , gave a menacing snarl and took one step forward . The black dragon stood his ground , although it was an effort not to step away from the bigger dragon . " It is nice of you to try to get a nice present for your sweetheart , Gravesco , but I 'm afraid I cannot let you take her . Find a nice little trinket for Humo instead . " Silx held his head high and steeled himself for the red dragon 's reaction . " That depends on you , " Silx replied , growing angry . Gravesco was scary , but did he really think that he could intimidate another dragon ? Silx was young , but he was not a helpless little hatchling . " She does not have the powers you need to make her yours . All you can do is take her to Humo . And the fact is , I stand between you and the baby . " He looked around . Gravesco could not get around him , and the area was too small for the huge dragon to disappear and reappear behind him . The baby cried . " You will have to get through me if you want the child . Is it worth breaking the Pact ? " He kept his gaze firmly on Gravesco 's rusty eyes and waited . Gravesco stared at Silx . Silx stood firm . He would not let Gravesco stare him down . The red dragon before him was a well - known bully , but he was also a natural dragon . Naturals always kept their word . Silx fervently hoped that Gravesco had not promised the baby to Humo . Finally , Gravesco took a step back . " You are lucky , you insolent whelp ! She was born less than a day ago , so there is plenty of time , and she might not even be the one we are looking for . " His big red muzzle swung up to point at the ceiling of the cavern . " Go ahead and play caretaker for Humo , Silx . I 'm sure he will appreciate it . " Gravesco spread his wings and took to the air . The cavern ceiling was very high , but the impact was still loud as the red dragon broke through the ceiling and flew away into the starry night sky . Silx stepped back and shielded the humans from the falling rubble with his wing . Once the avalanche stopped , he pulled his wing back and looked down at them . The soft glow that had illuminated the cavern faded once Gravesco left . Silx conjured up a light of his own so that the humans could see . The man and woman hid their faces from him , trembling and whimpering . The baby was still crying , and the mother shook the tiny child almost frantically as she tried to quiet it down . Silx shifted to his smaller two - legged dragon form to appear less intimidating . He stood before the couple and held his taloned forearms out . " Give me the child , " he said , calmly but firmly . He did not want to scare the humans , but he could not let them keep that baby . " No , please , don 't take her ! " the mother cried out , clutching her child to her bosom . " Take me instead ! Just leave her in peace ! " Silx hesitated . He had not expected bravery from the young woman . The fact that she was willing to sacrifice herself for her child made him stop and consider the situation . Silx tilted his head to the side . He was not used to confrontations with humans . Too bad Kelita was not with him . " I want to save her , not harm her . She is destined for greatness . She must be taken somewhere safe , where she can grow and thrive . That will not happen here . Give her to me , and I promise you your daughter will live . " " Then take us , too . Let her grow up with her parents . We will take good care of her , " the father said , taking a step forward . The mother nodded in agreement , although she still looked terrified . The baby 's cries died down . It was not a bad idea . Who better to care for a child than its own natural parents ? The black dragon touched the father 's mind gently to see if he had any abilities he may be able to develop , and reeled away from the human in disgust . " So you would just leave your other three children behind , abandoned , hoping to bask in the future glory of this one . Corrupted humans in a corrupted land . " His claws opened . The tiny form in the woman 's arms disappeared , reappearing in Silx 's clutches . Holding the child close to his hard scaly chest , he spread his wings and shot up through the gaping hole Gravesco had left . He did not want to waste another moment with those two . Silx stood perched upon a craggy outcropping , a tiny hill surrounded by infinite sea and sky . He was in full dragon form once more . He stared at the helpless baby he held . It was a girl . She would have had to be ; dragons could only mark humans of opposite gender . He had delicately pulled her blankets and swaddling away to get a good look at her , and there she lay , a newborn female child , bare and completely at the mercy of a powerful dragon and the dangerous elements of nature . Silx was amazed . The baby slept peacefully , oblivious to the heat - sapping wind , the roar of the mighty sea with its waves crashing all about the outcropping , and the deadly talon hovering just above her hairless head . He looked up at the stars . This little ball of warm human flesh has the power to control all of this . Amazing . The baby began to shiver . He could not stay here for very long . The child needed to keep warm , and soon would get hungry . His talon quivered over her head . Should he do it ? She was too young , only adults should be marked ; at least that is what everyone believed . But Silx did not want to waste his time again . After waiting all those years for Kelita to become old enough … The power emanating from the newborn was so strong , though . Much stronger than Kelita 's . Of course , emanation had nothing to do with actual strength , and neither emanation nor strength had anything to do with ability . He would either have to wait , or try to mark her now . If it didn 't work , there was no doubt in Silx 's mind that it would kill the baby . The baby shuddered and began to make fussing noises . Silx steeled himself , and before he could think about it any further , dipped his talon down . It brushed against the newborn 's forehead . A bright flash of light washed out his nightvision and almost made him drop the baby . He blinked quickly to regain his vision . He watched the child , worried . Silx quickly wrapped her back up and held her close . Faith bloomed within him as if it were never gone . Drawing heat into his forearms to warm her up , he jumped to the air exultantly and flew off as fast as he could . He had to find her something to eat . There might be hope for this mission after all . v v v The sooty cauldron hit the floor with a bang as Kelita took the boiling stew off the fire . She pulled the top off and peered inside , taking a deep sniff . Delicious . The rabbit bones floating inside promised tender , tasty meat . She had made enough to last her several days . This should get her through that old witchcraft book she had been meaning to read for the longest time . It was the first collection of works she had seen that explained how physical magic and spiritual magic relate and why the author believed that both fields of magic could be used in conjunction . She could not wait to start experimenting . A strange sound made her turn . It was unlike anything she had heard before , but none of the warning wards had set off . " Silx , is that you ? " It had to be him . The young dragon walked into the kitchen . He was in human form , and he carried something . A young , sad - looking girl followed him in . Kelita blinked at the excited look on his boyish face . He looked like an adolescent who had just been kissed for the first time . He had found her . She knew this day would come , even when Silx had just about lost hope . She wasn 't resentful ; thirty - two years was a long time to come to terms with things . She had hoped to be in Heaven when it did happen , though . " How do you know ? Don 't you have to mark her ? " She couldn 't make herself take the bundle . She could feel the baby 's power . " But I didn 't . Take her ; just make sure you hold her head . It tends to flop back . " Silx took a step toward her . " Look at her , Keli . " " Here , let me . It 's all right . " The girl stepped between her and Silx . She wrapped Kelita 's arms around the child . " There . You won 't hurt her holding her that way . " Kelita rocked the baby back and forth . " How sweet , " she whispered . She had never really wanted a baby of her own ; Silx and his eternal supply of books and knowledge had been more than enough for her . But now , holding the tiny baby in her arms , something warm began to grow inside her . She looked at the girl in front of her . " Are you her mother ? " The girl lowered her head and shook it as Silx said , " Rae lost her newborn daughter and her husband in a fire a few days ago . She agreed to become the baby 's nurse if we gave her a place to stay . She is far from her parents and does not know how to reach them . " Silx threw her a look as he searched for a bowl and spoon , but complied without a word . Kelita smiled down at the baby as her eyes opened sleepily . " What 's her name ? " she asked . Silx was ladling stew into the bowl he had found . He stopped , dripping stew onto the floor as he pondered . " Her mother yelled something as I flew off with her . It might have been her name . " " You snatched this baby away from her mother and flew away ? " Kelita was aghast . To take a child away from her mother like that ! Rae covered her mouth with both her hands as Kelita scowled at Silx . " How could you do such a thing ? " " I had my reasons , Keli . " He emptied the ladle into the bowl and dropped it back in the cauldron . " She would have died if she had stayed with her mother . Gravesco was there ; he almost took her . " He handed the bowl to Rae , along with a spoon . The young girl dug into the steaming stew . " She has three other children , Kelita . Basically , it was a choice . Her other children need her . This one does not . Not anymore . " He searched for another bowl . " It sounded like she said Milina . " Pulling one out of the cupboard , he went to serve himself . " Sure it does . You are part of this family now . " Silx picked up a spoon and sat next to Rae , smiling . His human appearance made him look like he could be Rae 's younger brother . " I like it , too , " he said . " We 're going to have to get a room ready for her and Rae . I 'd better get started . " Kelita walked out of the kitchen , still holding Milina , her supper forgotten . She knew now why she was not Silx 's ward . She had a more important job to do . Her head filled with plans and tasks that would need to be done for the two newcomers . Her book would just have to wait . Chapter 1 A Cry for Help Rohen tried very hard not to cry as he watched his mother wash the black stripe off the entrance to their home . He wondered why she was taking off his father 's mourning sign so soon . A month had not yet passed since he drowned . His sister had tried to explain to him why so many changes were happening so fast . Mama needed to find someone to care of them . She was lucky to marry so soon . She wanted to make sure everything went back to normal , so they could all be happy once more . His sister had tried hard , but Rohen still could not understand . Papa was gone , nothing would be normal , and he would never be happy again . And why would Mama decide to end Papa 's mourning period when she still cried at night , thinking no one could hear her ? " Rohen , are you ready yet ? You need to meet your father at the mesa . " His mother turned to look at him . Her eyes were red and swollen . " He is not my Papa . " He quickly rubbed the tears off his face . His mother turned and kept scrubbing the door . " Well , he is going to care for you and do all the things your father did before he drowned , so it would be nice if you saw him as your Papa . " Rohen watched quietly as the sooty mark washed away under his mother 's wet brush . " But you don 't have to call him anything you don 't want , " she added . " Everything will work out well , I promise . Now go find your sister and get to the mesa . " She looked back at him and smiled . Her smile made him feel better . She was so beautiful . At least he would always have her and Erria . He ran off to find his sister . Rohen went to the side of the cottage and picked up his tiny bow and quiver . His father made them for him shortly before he died , and had given Rohen a few lessons . Erria was teaching him now . Rohen loved his bow and arrows . He took them everywhere he went . He threw the quiver over his shoulder and headed to the path leading to the mesa . Rohen wrapped his arms around her waist and hugged her . " I 'm so glad you are my big sister , Errie . You will always take care of me , right ? " What would he do without her ? Erria laughed and hugged him back . " Soon you will not want me around . Look at you , four years younger than me , and you are already better with the bow than I . You will not need me watching out for you for very long . " As they walked , the foliage began to thicken , and the trees became bigger . The path sloped upward for a short distance before leveling off . Soon they walked through a row of trees into a clearing . The clearing opened up to a stone plateau . The plateau stopped before a wide river , which poured over the side in a huge curtain of water . The sound of splashing water and singing birds made the area calm and peaceful . People usually crowded the popular mesa , but that day there was only one person there . He had his back to them . Erria jumped into her stepfather 's arms . He hugged her and pointed to a small rise where a person could look over the waterfall . Rohen was too far to hear what he told her . The girl jogged toward the rise . Rohen turned to join Erria . He noticed his stepfather pick up his bow and some arrows , which were lying on the ground . He took one of the arrows and notched it . Rohen looked around . There were no birds to shoot at . What is he going to shoot ? He stopped walking and watched his sister go up the rise and look over . She was very close to the edge . He looked back at his stepfather . The man aimed straight up at the sky , then lowered the bow and pointed it at Erria . The young girl turned , and the arrow pierced her neck . The momentum threw her off the rise , and she vanished over the waterfall . She was gone before Rohen could finish his scream . Rohen notched another arrow , but he was crying so hard he could barely see . He tried to get a clear view of his sister 's killer . " Why ? Why did you do that ? " He blinked the tears out of his eyes and shot again . His stepfather dodged the arrow . He did not answer Rohen 's question . Pulling the first arrow out of his hand with a grunt , he stood up and growled , " Come here , pup . You 're next ! " He drew a long knife and approached the boy . Vitalia stared wearily into her tea . The search for the boy was draining her . Trying to keep one step ahead of Sanguis made it even worse . Three years of fruitless searching had her on the verge of collapse . The fact that Sanguis did not have any idea where the child was either brought only a little comfort . Up until about a year ago , Vitalia would have been able to confront her if she managed to find the boy first . Now , the constant searching and years of lack of sleep had weakened her to the point of near - exhaustion . She would need months of rest to regain her strength . At this point , she was too afraid to take a nap . She took a deep breath . She could smell the salt in the air . The sea air always seemed to energize her a bit , somehow . She very much liked the Northern Islands . Poli had said that except for the youngest , all the children were located in the western lands of the planet . Vitalia had assumed that they would all be on the mainland . She had not considered the five - island archipelago . Could he be this far north ? This would be the last place to look . She could not continue searching for much longer . Vitalia took a sip of her tea , and almost choked as a flash of energy shot through her head . What in the world was that ? " Lady , would you care for more tea ? " She smiled warmly at the woman standing in front of her , teapot in hand . She found the accent the Northerners spoke with charming . It was rather fun speaking like them , as well . " No , kind woman . I must be leaving now . " She gave the woman a silver coin and stood up . " Good day , and thank you for the delicious meal . " Once outside , she stopped and looked around . The public house and adjoining stable faced a large open area between the main street and the fishing docks . She was able to see the ocean from where she stood . People milled about . Vitalia walked around the side of the building where she would not be seen . The narrow walkway between the pub and the stables was deserted . Vitalia quickly prepared herself for the next flash . As weak as she was , she could not afford to make any mistakes . Silx had tried to mark the wrong human before he found Milina . Other dragons had several false alarms as well . Vitalia hoped this was not one of those cases . She had to take the risk . If Sanguis got her claws on the boy before she did … She felt the flash again . It seemed like a cry for help . She could not waste any more time . She closed her eyes and placed herself as close to the source of the flash as she could . When she opened her eyes , she found herself surrounded by trees . She saw no one around , but now she could feel power emanating from someone . The emanation was so very strong . And it was completely undeveloped . How can such raw ability be so strong ? This was no false alarm ! Vitalia reached out with her mind . It was a small boy , tired and distraught . He was in trouble . Sanguis ? No , she would try to make him go to her willingly . Vitalia hurried to find him . It was very difficult ; he kept moving around erratically , circling and turning back constantly . Soon she sensed another presence in the woods . Vitalia pieced together the story as she sensed both minds while she tried to meet up with the boy . When she realized what was going on , she growled with anger . The boy finally became too tired to continue . He stopped , but his pursuer was close , too close . Vitalia placed herself next to the boy . He was nearby , so her phase would be easier , faster and much more accurate . She blinked … And looked down at the child she had been searching for . He sat quietly with his back against a tree , his face streaked with tears . Vitalia was shocked at the look on his face . He was ready to die . Vitalia clenched her human jaw until it ached . She was not about to allow that to happen . He did not notice her until she took a step toward him . He looked up at her and began to cry . Vitalia crouched down to bring her face level with his . He had to be about eight years old . He had big gray eyes , chestnut brown hair , and very pale skin . In one hand he held a bow , in the other , an arrow . " I can take you far away from here , where that man cannot reach you . Do you want to come with me ? " She smiled at him . " Everything is going to be just fine . Don 't cry . " She put her arms around him and held him close . She thought of her home , and they both vanished . Vitalia reappeared with her charge inside a cave on another island some distance away . Relieved , she took in the familiar stalactites decorating the cavern and the underground lake nearby . She let go of the child and sat down on the ground . She leaned back against the cave wall . " You are safe now . He will never find you here . " She had not sensed a third presence nearby . And by what she had seen in the boy 's mind … " It 's too late . There 's nothing I can do for her . " She expected him to cry , but he didn 't . Vitalia was able to see the innocence , the sense of wonder and open trust that young children always seemed to have , fade from his eyes . What kind of effect did something like that have on a child ? " My name is Rohen . Thank you for saving me , but I must go see my Mama . " She was going to have to deliver yet another traumatic blow . She hoped she could make him understand . " Rohen , your stepfather will be waiting for you to return to your mother . If you go back , he will kill you . You cannot go back to her . " " No ! " He looked around , and ran toward one of the many cavern openings . " I have to warn Mama , before he kills her , too ! " Rohen 's head whirled around to face her , and his eyes flashed with a silvery light . Vitalia shielded herself just in time to block off a blasting mind attack . Even with her shield , she could feel the power of the attack . Already he is stronger than any human I have ever known . And he did not even realize what he did . " Rohen , that man did a terrible thing . But your mother is safe . He will not hurt her . " He stopped trying to pull away from her . Vitalia held him close as he began to cry again . " It will be all right . I will take care of you . I promise . " Vitalia picked Rohen up and let him cry on her shoulder . She wanted very much to take a nap . How was she going to get the boy through something like this ? What kind of man would he turn out to be now , especially with the gifts he had ? She had found her ward , but Vitalia realized her problems were only just beginning . Pondering what to do next , she carried the crying boy through one of the cavern openings . v v v Sanguis waited for the Northern man to approach . As he walked by her , she stepped into view , blocked his path and slapped his face hard . Her fingers tingled painfully from the blow ; human hands were so very sensitive . Sanguis resisted the urge to kill him . She might still need this human . " Well , use that as an excuse for what happened to the children . " She could not remember the ape 's name . " You know , if the villagers find out what I did , I will be lynched . " " You will need to come up with a good story , then . " Sanguis raised her hand , and the man flew back into a tree . The trunk cracked from the impact . " There , that should make whatever you come up with seem believable . " " Whatever you wish , " Sanguis replied , walking off . The man called out to her as she walked away , but she ignored him . She thought of what to do next . Sanguis smiled . She would wait and see . If the boy showed promise , she would make her move and take him . Vitalia might decide to mark him , but there were ways around that . The boy was young . She had plenty of time . BOOK TRAILERS I am a definite fan of Dragons . When I heard about this book , I thought wow , this is totally down my alley . I was excited . After attending the site where the ' Premise ' was located , amazon . com I wondered if there would be enough to peak my interest . B . Pine did a great job of providing enough of the tale to encourage further research . After reading the entire premise , I was sold on checking it out . The premise clearly spelled out the plot , the drama involved and the gist of the story . There was also enough history to give your mind a frame of what would be involved in the potential epic . As I delved into the beginning of the story , I was treated with clarity of the two warring against each other to gain control . the foundation was beginning . Shortly there after , the story begins . The pace ( Medium ) therefore although not blazing was appropriate to the story 's development . The details between the battling races was not overwhelming but enough . I liked the introduction of the variable that would tip the balance , subtle and appropriate . As I continued to read , I found my interest peaking . Within the first couple of chapters , conflict and drama intensified quickly . I therefore increased the pace of my reading to find out . Thus far without reading a large amount , it is clearly a " MF " must finish . At this point in the story , all important aspects of the foundation , grammar , developmental pace , punctuation , and very importantly character development as well as character balance is on par and very nicely spread throughout . No distractions grammatically and no particular character is overwhelming . And in this case , the races are not either . The finding of the humans glides along wonderfully . " Familiar Origins " is science fiction story about a universe ruled by powerful dragons who submit themselves only to the supreme Creator . The universe is divided into the Debellos and the Turei factions . It is also a story of magic and of mankind . The Debellos are the aggressive dragons who want to conquer the world to feed their magic . The Tueri dragons , on the other hand , want to protect the worlds of animate beings . One of these worlds is populated with human life that is also rich in magic and is the venue of the fight between the Debellos and the Tueri . Locked in a centuries - old deadlock , these dragons know that the one who can control eight extraordinary humans will be the one who will emerge victorious . Both dragon factions patiently wait to find the humans that they can train to reach their goals and they eventually identify five young children who hold the fate of their world . These children have to face horror and deception at a tender age and have to deal with the powerful dragons . " Familiar Origins " is actually a story of humankind 's survival in the face of a Debellos dragon who succeeded in gaining control of their lives . " Familiar Origins " is a science fiction and fantasy story . It is a tale of five children growing up under the guardianship of mystical dragons . Author B . Pine undoubtedly has a very fertile imagination . She creates a new world in this story and produces extraordinary characters . It is a tale of magic where the world is populated by dragons and epic battles are being waged . This is a book that certainly gripped my attention so much that I had to finish it in one sitting . I am fascinated by the character of Ben , the commoner who fell in love with the proud princess , Princess Jania , and kept his emotions to himself for years . The truth is that " Familiar Origins " is also a story of children who are coming of age . The five children here have to grow up under abnormal circumstances and they are forced to grow up as quickly as they can . With the children going to the academy to specialize in some skills , it seems somewhat similar to the story of Harry Potter . B . Pine 's " Familiar Origins " is not completely original but she manages to come up with a story that is riveting and exciting . It was a roller coaster ride for me , as I read the novel from start to finish in one sitting , so to say . ' Familiar Origins ' is the first installment in ' The Draca Wards Saga ' . B . Pine has done an amazing job of creating a new world , with unforgettable characters . ' Familiar Origins ' is one of those books that grabs you from the first page , pulls you in , and keeps you there . I mean , what more could you ask for ? Magic , shape shifting , dragons , warriors , epic battles . This book has a little bit of everything that turns a good book into a great book ! Normally , I would break down the book a little here and talk about the main character . Unfortunately , there are quite a few main characters and they are all so unique and dominant in their own way , that it 's hard to break them down in a quick , sentence long synopsis . I will mention a few of my favorites . One of the characters in the book is Ben . Ben is completely in love with Princess Jania but he can 't tell her . Because she 's a princess and he 's a nobody ? Because they are mage partners ? Because they are stuck sitting beside each other in class for the next 7 years ? I mean , pick one ! lol . He 's distraught over the whole thing . I also really liked Rohen . He has one of the more tragic , heartbreaking stories in the book . His story was what pulled me initially and made me gasp in shock from the beginning . Basically , the book is centralized around the academy . All the Wards ( the kids like Rohen and Ben ) end up going to the academy to hone in on a particular skill . At the Academy the children can become Healers , a Mage , a Scout . There 's a lot of possibility . But , they also have special powers , if you will , that make them unique . Like the ability to use night vision , visit the astral plane , sense magic users and other people near them . I loved ' Familiar Origins ' from start to finish . There wasn 't anything that I disliked about it . . . except that it had to end ! I 'm anxiously awaiting the next book in the series . I can 't wait to find out more about the Draca Wards , and the Dragons . If you are a fan of the Harry Potter series , then you will definitely love ' Familiar Origins ' so make sure you pick it up and check it out on May 1st ! In a world where dragons rule under the guise as humans , a silent war rages between the two supreme dragon factions - the Tueri and the Debellos . Each want to rule , but to gain control of five magical yet powerful children would be all it takes to tip the scales . With their worlds unbalanced and tragically torn from their families at a tender age , the five children wind up at the Academy to learn their special skills . The dragons keep an eye on their Wards as they grow and learn , each hoping to manipulate decisions and circumstances to bring about change in their favor . However , there 's one dragon that seems to be extending his self entirely too much . Crafty and deceitful , Humo orchestrates wars and attacks across the lands to bend the humans to his will . Follow the Draca Wards on their journey through life ; their decisions and choices could be the end of the world … Dark and mysterious with no bad language or suggestive situations , Familiar Origins , the first installment of the Draca Wards Saga , is an excellent book for YA . The storytelling style flows smoothly , is an easy read and is full of interesting characters , realistic happenings and consequences . Pine has done a fine job with creating an spellbinding fantasy writhing with action and a tang of New Age . After Falestia this is another fantasy fare offering by Silver Leaf Books . This series is written by B . Pine and speaks of a world that has once gotten destroyed and human life is slowly clawing back to normalcy . But the world has become a difficult place because a superior species , Dragon , has an eye on some children that have the potential to destroy the Dragon world . So , they go around slaying , traumatizing and threatening these special children just to make sure that they either remain under their claw or simply do not develop enough potential that would threaten their existence . But the issue is not that of Human versus Dragon . There is politics at play here too ; Dragons are divided into two groups and their rivalry is both bloody and treacherous . Humans are either pawn in the larger game or they are used or abused by these powerful species for their ulterior motives . Then , there is politics and rivalry between Humans as well . One young lad is singled out for the color of his eyes while a young girl is shunned by her mother for her skills . In short , this has several disturbing issues that probably a child below thirteen would either find difficult to comprehend or would find it too disturbing to read . Gore in fiction , especially involving children is a major concern and it doesn 't help that the details have been given out effusively . A slight restraint could have really helped this series to reach out to larger segments . It could have been better if children characters weren 't given such young age groups . A seven year old slaying heartlessly or watching her mother 's violent death evokes pity as well as revulsion . This is adult reading material and certainly not for kids , but would adults bother reading about lives of kids is something that requires serious probing . It could have helped if the volume of the book was reduced as well because at times too much frolicking of children also makes it a tedious read . Maybe the idea was to balance the gore , but seeing children suffer in a children centric book is never a pleasant read . In fact , considering the creative power of the writer , it would have been better if there was one major show down probably at the end to justify the three books . There are fights , plenty and gory , but a major show down is what a reader expects and that kind of climax just does not build . |
Very disappointed in the tender loin filet I purchased . I grilled it on my George Foreman electric grill - - which did a great job of cooking it , but . . . . . it has no taste . I have found this out recently . Beef just doesn 't have the flavor it use to . Maybe it 's my taste buds dying off , but . . . I think it is more that I am spoiled . I always had 1 / 4 beef in my freezer - - cut just the way I wanted it - - from when my Daddy had an animal butchered . It was wonderful . Four years ago , Fred and I both ordered a nice sirloin at Applebee 's - - tough , tasteless . I had a Whopper a couple of months ago , craving that great taste I remembered - - grey meat , tasteless . I should have taken the $ 20 . 00 left on my Outback gift card and just got a carry out of the Victoria Filet Mignon , baked potato and salad . I would have enjoyed that $ 20 . 00 more then what I spent for this tenderloin . BLECH ! ! I have noticed a lot of my favorite things taste all wrong . Potato chips , still salty , but not as tasty . I think it is because now , the government demands things like that have all trans - fat removed . The only real tasty hunk of beef nowadays , is from a GOOD restaurant where they inject it with tastiness before they cook it . Wonder what 's in that stuff ? Didn 't do much today . I sold another box of books on E - Bay ( that makes 3 = over $ 100 . 00 ) and had to wait for the mail lady to pick them up . Then ran up to Brighton to Cartridge World - - AGAIN ! Just there Thursday to buy a color and black inkjet cartridge . I printed out two pages of a letter , with pictures of Fred 's grave stone to send to his kids = = total 9 pages , and two pages with the pix of his and mine , to put in my scrapbook and the dang color cartridge was empty ? I wonder if it was completely full to begin with ? When I got to the store , I asked the clerk if she could weigh it because it seemed to have run out too quickly . Sure enough - - It was more then 1 / 2 full , but had " died " electronically . So I hummed Taps and she laughed and gave me a new one - - free . They are real good about things like that - - plus , I give them a lot of referrals and business . I stitched on Evan 's Elmo pillow . I had a hard time deciding on what color he is suppose to be . Some images show him as red , others as orange . Pammie told me that Evan 's favorite color is orange - - he always wants to pick out his orange t - shirt to wear , so - - - creative license enabled , I put an orange strand of floss with a red strand and I think it is going to work . Evan likes orange , so his Elmo will be orangeish . As you can see , Evan 's and Elise ' were much easier . I almost chocked when Karen told me she had named her last child : MADELEINE SOPHIA . Then Jen got in the habit with long names . GEESH ! ! When I was in town , I stopped at the gas station to get a bag of chips . I got eye - humped again ! ! ! There was an old guy pumping gas into his truck ( old guys are the only ones that notice me anymore ) and as I strode by I saw him turn his head to look at me . I had on my skinny jeans ( because all my shorts were in the washing machine ) and I was striding along with my long legs as I normally do . It probably wasn 't my jeans , but my new , lifter - upper bra , that puts the girls back , close to where they belong . It isn 't perfect , but at least I don 't look like I have two huge tumors on my waist ! What was funny is , he was unaware that I could see his reflection in the glass front of the store . He was watching me and was nodding his head ( ? ) I have no idea what that means , but I smiled to myself . Eye - humping - - a non - contact entertainment - - which is the only kind I care to take part in anyhow ! ! Then , I decided to fill up the bird feeders . Not many of the summer birds around . Baltimore Orioles , I haven 't seen or heard in a couple months . I am getting Cardinals , Woodpeckers , Chick - A - Dee , Titmice and Nuthatch . I came in and decided it might be a good day to empty and wash out the cat litter box . I have a rather large one to accommodate Buddy . I also scrubbed down the wall behind it . Can 't get down on my knees and crawl under the counter table , so I sprayed with Fantastic and then used my floor mop to reach under and scrub away . " Necessity is the mother of invention . " I scooped out all the " bad " litter into a plastic bag , as normal . Then I got a Glad Super Tuff - Strength of Steel , kitchen garbage bag and scooped the rest out - - I could not lift the box to dump the remaining litter - - so heavy . When it was empty , I hauled it out to the outside hose . Sprayed it with Fantastic and let it set . Scrubbed it with my toilet brush , rinsed and rinsed and rinsed . Then filled it with water and put some bleach in it . Rinsed and rinsed and rinsed and . . . . . . . . let it set in the sun to dry , while I scrubbed the wall . I was so afraid that they 'd need to go potty and no bathroom for them . Buddy did look a little worried . All this was accomplished , making my back hurt like sin ! ! I got it back inside , dried it off with an old towel and filled it with new litter . 20 # of new litter , which also made my back scream when I tried to pick it up and dump it into the box . But all is well . It is one of those long plastic storage boxes to use under a bed . It has wheels on it , so it is easy to pull out to clean . I also vacuumed the carpeting while it was drying . There is an older woman - - mid - seventies . She lives all alone . Her children do not stop in often to visit her . She rarely sees her grandchildren - - they are a distance away . When she does see them , she isn 't very nice to them - - then , realizing she wasn 't very nice , she tries to make it up to them , hoping the visit will end with them only remembering the good times with Granny . This woman complains about everything ! If her daughter offers to drive her to a family function , the woman complains the entire long drive . She didn 't really want to go . Stop the car . Let her out , she wants to go back home . No , never mind , she 'll go , but her family doesn 't care about her . She is superfluous - - no one in the family would even miss her if she wasn 't there . On and on and on she rants . She weeps . She is very sad . She is very angry . Afterwards , she realizes that she had a pretty good time . Now she remembers the way she acted . Some of the weird things she said . She feels bad . She calls and apologizes . She thinks she might be losing her mind . Her problem ? She has way too much time to think . What is there for her to do in life ? Sit and watch television - - think about her past . All the hurts she has had in her life . She may lash out at people now , for those past hurts , even though they aren 't the ones who caused the hurt . She may feel guilty about her past life . She would never admit it , because she can 't allow herself to admit it - - even in her own mind . She is divorced once or twice - - rotten , damn men ! ! ! There is a niggle . She wonders if the divorce was her fault ? No - - it is not possible - - she was a good wife - - HE was the rotten one - - surely it has to be that way , in her mind . She has few visitors . She is very lonely . She feels that death is only a few short months away and she knows that and it makes her scared and even more lonely . Just get it over with . Then she won 't have to think . Everyone in her family will feel a lot better with her gone . It 's difficult to go anywhere . Perhaps she is in pain from arthritis . She doesn 't move around very much so the arthritis gets even worse . It gets too noisy at the family functions . She may be hard of hearing and that makes conversations even harder . Too much background noise for her to even hear what the person next to her is saying . She is filled with fear . She is disappointed in her life . She can 't do a thing about anything , anymore . There is nothing to look forward to . No one cares - - they look at her in a disparaging way . She is a nasty , old bitch . She can 't remember things at times . This frightens her too . Sometimes she gets very confused . People leave her alone because she is so nasty . She gets nastier because she is alone so much of the time . When family does come to her house , she sees it in their eyes . They aren 't there just to sit and chat for awhile . They are there out of a feeling of obligation . - - they have to take her to an appointment . They have to check up on her . Wouldn 't it be nice if they just came to simply visit - - play a game of cards - - watch a movie on TV with her . I too have felt , the last year , that something was very wrong with me - - my thinking - - the things I have uttered , or the way I have acted , or reacted . At times , it has taken very bit of strength I had to go to a family function . I 'd just end up sitting in a chair in the living room and not really feel included - - because I didn 't interact with others . When invited to go to a function - - it was so hard . It hurt so bad to have to walk up stairs to get to a ball game , or sit for a long period of time during a band concert or ballet performance . When it was over , I did not want to go out to supper - - yes , I was hungry , but , once again , I would have to sit on a hard chair , wait for the food , too much noise - - I just wanted to come back home . I was so tired - - I wanted to sit down , put my feet up , be quiet . After certain occasions , I remembered weird statements I had made . At times , tears came into my eyes for no reason . I felt very sorry for myself and no one understood - - nor did they want to hear any of my complaints - - they didn 't really care . Try to be upbeat and friendly and funny and - - - - be exhausted in a couple of hours for the trying . It use to come naturally , now it was forced . Yet - - if I was quiet , people wondered what was wrong . I was scared that I was losing my mind - - it felt that way sometimes . I couldn 't remember who was at the party - - sometimes . Couldn 't remember whom I had spoken with - - sometimes , but , I always could remember the statements I made or the weird thing I did - - which in turn , just made me want to stay away from people so I wouldn 't embarrass myself again and again and again ! ! ! I was so tired , all the time . I was in pain , all the time . Everything was an effort , all the time . I was not the person that I remembered being . I wondered what had happened to that person . Why did I act like I did now ? Why did I say stupid things - - act weird ? What was wrong with me ? Perhaps I did have Alzheimer 's and everyone knew except me ? Maybe my kids stayed away because I had done something awful to them in their lives and now . . . I couldn 't remember what . Maybe I needed to be institutionalized ? Maybe I needed shock treatments ? The only difference between this woman and me was , that I was able - - ON MY OWN - - to seek help . No one had to take me to an appointment with the shrink ! I wanted no one else to know - - because I was trying so hard to keep control and pretend that my weirdness was only because I was still in a brain fog from grief or I was getting old and just a tad eccentric . The only difference between this woman and me was , I am younger then she is and maybe a bit more independent , or stronger and I realized that something was not right . I know she knows , what she is doing , how she is acting is not right - - I know she does . I just wish she could get help . I just wish she would get help . She 's probably afraid too . She may have had mental issues all her life and never received the help she needed . I just wish she could before she does die and the only feeling her family will have is relief that the nasty mother / grandmother bitch is gone . OH - - I am so sad because , honestly , with a some help from some meds , maybe a tiny bit of talk therapy - - she and everyone else in her family would enjoy the years she has left . I heard someone say , " You might get addicted to the meds . " I say , " At 70 + years - - how many years are left ? Who the Hell cares if we get addicted ? What difference does it make ? Better have a nice , calm , happy life with a smile on our face , then go through all the torment of mental illness for the rest of our days ! " Took a shower as I was going to head back into Brighton . I found out that Evan , who will be two on the 23rd of September , already has a tricycle - - or 5 . As he is the youngest of four kids - - he gets ALL the hand - me - downs . One of the trikes , that he can 't reach the pedals yet , is a lot like the one I purchased for him . Sirens , lights , all that jazz . So I will take this one back . YAY - - 50 . 00 back in my bank account ! ! " Momma - - he likes everything ! ! Oh wait - - - every morning when we get dressed , he always wants his orange Elmo shirt . When we sit down for his morning snack , he wants to watch Elmo . You know he doesn 't like TV at all , but he does like Elmo . " Okey Dokey then - - - so I had to run up to Michael 's and get some Aida cloth and two skeins of floss . I found a picture on the Internet - - for a cross stitch pattern - - free download . ( Have you noticed - - you can find ANYTHING on the Internet ? ) I thought Elmo was red , but the color on the pattern was kind of pinkish ? So I went into Google and typed in , " what color is Elmo " and up came pictures and said he was reddish orange . ( I just so happen to really love the Internet - - the world 's biggest encyclopedia ! ! ! Just as I was leaving , Dar came over . She had a Howell Melon with her - - so named because they are grown in this area and also to give the little city of Howell another reason to have a summer festival , just 6 weeks after the hot air balloon fest ! It 's nothing but a muskmelon , but - - it is the size of a watermelon ! ! She gave me half . It is the sweetest muskmelon I have ever tasted . Should last me half a month to eat ! ! ! ! ! Michael 's has moved and I found the store . HUGE - - right next to the JoAnn 's store and Bed , Bath and Beyond . Love it . If I can 't find it at Michael 's I can just walk to JoAnn 's ! ! I got my cloth and the floss and then ran on up to the ink jet refill store and got me a color and a black one . Came home , three minutes before my soap was to start . Then after that , the Detroit Tigers were playing against Oakland for the last game in a 4 game series . Oakland won the first three - - which is not good as we are trying to win the American League title . Last inning , 6 - 4 , we are behind . Dang it ! ! Then we get a couple on base and my new favorite Tiger Torii Hunter comes up to bat and puts a walk off homer into the seats ! ! ! YAY . I wanted to walk down to Pearl 's , take back her phone and see how Merle was doing . I saw her car was home . On down I trotted and walked in . Tiger , her nasty cat , ran out to greet me . He bites everyone , including Merle and Pearl . He however doesn 't bite me . Probably because I don 't make any sudden moves at him , don 't try to swoop him up in my arms , and let him come to me . So we " talked " for a minute and I walked into the living room and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . there was Merle , sitting in his chair , reading the local paper . He had the stress test this morning , both tread mill and injected Thallium and there is nothing wrong with his heart ! ! ! Great news ! ! However , they want him to get to a cardiologist and get a Holter Monitor and wear it for a month ! AND GUESS WHAT ? ? They are going to Dr . Leonen , Fred 's cardiologist ! ! ! ( The doc I suggested they go to . ) His office is at the little hospital , 1 . 5 miles up the road . I am so happy ! ! ! Dr . Leonen is fantastic - - one of the top doggies at the BIG hospital in Ann Arbor , but comes to the Michigan Heart office here , twice a week . He saved Fred 's life ! No doubt about it . Fred loved him , as do I and I think Merle will too . YAY ! Merle said there are three or four guys where he works that have A - Fib episodes often - - monthly and the day Merle had his , he was sitting in the club house and drinking coffee , because it was raining outside . He doesn 't drink coffee at home , but that morning had 5 cups of coffee . I said , " Hm - mm . Think all that caffeine might have kicked your heart rate up a bit , Bunky ? " I told Merle , " Well , A - Fib is not life threatening . Many people have it for years and take medicine for it . It can cause a stroke if it goes unchecked however - - so you get it all checked out and Dr . Leonen will get you fixed up ! ! " Wanna know what they are called ? Are you sure ? Dog Penis Mushrooms . For obvious reasons , I suppose . They are said to be a delicacy to eat ( UGH ! ! ) and in Medieval England they were called Devil 's Penis , because it look like the Devil was sticking his doohickey up through the earth from Hell . LOL " This small member of the Phallaceae family emerges from an off - white egg - like fruiting body that lies half buried in leaf litter on the woodland floor . White mycelial cords ( rhizomorphs ) , are often visible beneath this ' egg ' , which is 2 - 4 cm ( 0 . 8 - 1 . 6 in ) high , and 1 - 2 cm ( 0 . 4 - 0 . 8 in ) wide . [ 4 ] The ' egg ' has a tough outer skin ( peridium ) , which covers a gelatinous inner layer , which in turn protects the fully formed , but unexpanded fruiting body . When the ' egg ' splits open the fungus expands rapidly ( usually within a few hours ) , to its full height of 10 - 12 cm ( 4 - 5 in ) . It is around 1 cm ( 0 . 4 in ) thick , and is either yellowish - white , yellow , or pale orange . The split egg is retained as a volva - like sack , at the base . The column is very fragile , pitted , and cylindrical . It has a pointed tip , and is usually curved . The tip is covered in the spore bearing matter ( gleba ) which is a dark olive - brown paste , and has a smell which is irresistible to insects . ( These insects help distribute the spores on their bodies , and in their stomachs . ) Beneath the spore mass the tip is dark orange . Although its smell is not as strong as the related common stinkhorn ( Phallus impudicus ) , it has been described as smelling like cat feces . " As I was leaving for town , I got the mail out of my mail box . There was a small envelope and it was from Jennifer . I went to open it and then decided to wait . Who knew what might be in it and if it was something snarky or bad - - I didn 't want to read it before I went shopping . When I was making sun catchesr , I had purchased a very large box of beads . Some of those beads had glitter sparkles in them and they did not melt very well . I gave the box to Pammie and asked if she would give it Elise to play with . Pammie later told me that Elise was so excited to get them . That made me feel good . I can 't figure out if Elise wrote it or Jen - - the handwriting looks like Jen 's , but maybe so does Elise ' . I wonder if Jen even told the kids that they wouldn 't be seeing Mimi anymore because the note almost sounds like she wonders why she hasn 't seen me all summer , but hopes to see me soon . I hope so too ! ! I don 't want to read anything into this , but I wonder - - is the glacier melting ? Evan 's birthday is in four weeks - - are they having a party ? Is this to pave the way for me to be invited ? On second 10th reading , it looks like Elise wrote it because Jen would not mis - spell forward ( foward . ) Anyway , Jen knows , because she is the one who mailed it from her work office ! ! ! I just remembered ( 11 : 00 p . m . ) this is a holiday weekend here in the US . So if any of you are doing that sort of thing - - or whatever one does on a holiday weekend - - we always stayed off the roads - - be safe , have fun and next week - - it is going to be much cooler here ! YAY ! ! I just looked at the title . The only thing wrong with it , is it is Wednesday and that means garbage take out day and it is going on midnight and I forgot . So - - - - I 'll be right back . The new meds - - working better - - not so crooked in the head in the morning . However , for about two hours after I wake up , I have like this 4 inch wooden block squarely in the middle of my forehead - - between my skull and my brain . Ever have that feeling ? I sleep well with them , but I am very groggy and I don 't wake up very early . This getting up at 10 : 30 , means by this time of night I am just getting started , which in turn means I got to bed around 3 : 00 a . m . , which means I get up at 10 : 30 - - see the vicious circle here ? I just found out that there was a small tornado in Brighton last evening - - when I was seeing the yellowish - green sky to the south ? When I read the account and saw where it hit - - just 2 . 5 short miles south of me ! YIKES ! ! ! Over by the high school AND I just got a Face Book message from my grand girl Madeleine that they were at marching band practice on the football field , exactly one mile from where it made its touch down . She didn 't say if they ran for cover - - but I think with the torrential rain we had , they had to do something . Maybe run under the bleachers - - or into the bathrooms ? Merle has had : EKG 's , Echo cardiogram , CAT scan , x - rays , blood work ad infinitum , stress test , both with the treadmill and with the Thallium and . . . NOTHING IS SHOWING UP ! ! ! They are mystified . I think he probably should get a heart catheterization - - maybe they will think to do that - - I sure hope so . ( But I am not mentioning it ! ! ! ) He 's been having A - Fib episodes for the last six months ! They need to find out why and correct it - - in my opinion . Pearl is not liking sleeping alone - - the first time in 5 years since she was in hospital for a few days . I turn on my bathroom light and bedroom light which she can see from her bedroom , so when she goes to bed , she knows I am still awake and not far away if she needs me . Hey - - I 'm up until 3 : 00 anyway . I went to the Rich People 's store today - - so much fun ! ! The new meds seem to be working as I picked up a cat toy - - so cute and then thought , " You do not need that , " and put it back . I was also looking on line for something and found it and filled in the order information and then thought , " You do not need that " and clicked off . One of my problems the last six months is the buying of things I do not need - - want perhaps , but do not need . It has scared me . Picture this , awake at 2 : 30 , on the internet and found a really neat ( I can 't even remember now ) something and ordered it . At 6 : 00 I woke up again , ran in her , turned on the computer and quickly canceled the order . HOW NUTZ IS THAT ! ! ! Manic behavior , I think . I also have not said anything outrageous or inappropriate since last Friday at the shrinks . I still think them , but I don 't speak them . I would walk by people in the Wal - Mart and say stupid stuff . Like , one time , a fat guy at the milk chest , he was holding two quarts of milk in his hand . One was Fat Free , the other was 2 % , so as I stroll by , I say , " Better get the Fat Free . " GOOD GRIEF . He did laugh and didn 't punch me out , but that sort of thing comes out of my mouth . Or post links or stupid , idiotic things on Face Book and then go back in a few minutes and delete the post . OR - - my all time favorite - - A lady was in the Wal - Mart toy section and when I came around the corner , I saw her stuff something in her pants pocket . So I casually walk by and say , " Don 't forget - - camera everywhere . Big Brother is watching . " Schizophrenia ? Anyway , I am not doing that kind of crap anymore so I am grateful for the new meds . I will get use to them so they don 't bother my balance as much in - - oh - - about two weeks ? Did you know to put all your fresh veggies and fruit in a tub of water with 1 / 2 cup white vinegar to get any germs / bacteria off ? Also takes off the wax they use on cucumbers and apples , etc . I just found out about it and do it all the time now . It is the end of the month and I had grocery money left over , so . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . protein . The first nice hunk of beef I have had in a very long time . Should get two meals off it . A once a year treat ? However I can justify the expense ! ! ! On the way home I stopped at Pearl 's and gave her phone back and chatted for awhile . She was home for two hours and then going back up to hospital . She is very weary ! ! Remember - - she can barely walk from her place , across the street to the mail box and now , she has to walk from car , to hospital entrance , another 50 feet to the elevator and then to Merle 's room . I have been trying and trying to get her to take Fish Oil / Omega 3 for her arthritis . It would help her heart and most probably her memory . She will buy some stupid diet pill off the TV , but she keeps " forgetting " to pick up a bottle of Fish Oil at the Wal - Mart . I want to just buy them for her , but . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . that " taking charge " , being " teacher of the world " , is also a bad trait I am trying to over come . Two weeks ago Pearl signed up with Comcast . She bundled her ( non - existent ) phone and high speed internet and TV . I told you her computer isn 't working - - does not have enough memory for the high speed interest AND she had to go out and buy a land line phone , which also quit working last week . SO - - I suggested a whole lot of things , which she didn 't want to do , so I shut my mouth - - let her figure it out . I brought her phone home with me Sunday , because , I had a feeling it wasn 't the phone , but rather the phone line . She was cussing it out . " Brand new phone and the damn thing doesn 't work ! " I pulled the phone cord out of my phone and plugged it into hers and got a dial tone , so I called her on it . Apparently she didn 't recognized ( HER OWN PHONE NUMBER ) caller I . D , so when she picked up , she said , " Who is this ! " Then , her cell phone quit and she couldn 't figure out why . She needed a new battery , but her phone is so old that the battery place can 't find one that will work . So - - today she told me , her daughter is going to get her a Smart Phone and she can make calls and she can get her e - mails and play her games on it and everything ! YAY ! ! ! Everything will be all right now - - until the phone doesn 't work like she thinks it should and she will start thinking it is out to get her ( purposefully ) , like she thought about her computer . She honestly thinks that when she turns on her computer and it doesn 't work right - - it is because , " it recognizes me and so it won 't work just to make me frustrated . " Honest ! So - - I am back because today was not boring . It could have been a bit boring , which would have been good , because it turned out to be way to hectic ! Why can 't life just be calm and smooth every day with just enough interest to keep us awake and not so much to cause us stress ? I have been on the new med for 3 days . I take it at night and I do sleep well - - too well - - but , when I wake up in the morning I am groggy . My head and face feels like they are sort of mis - shaped - - kind of like - - - So I jumped into her car and off she went - - cut across the corner of my neighbor 's lawn and narrowly missed the next neighbor 's mail box - - she was driving as usual . She got out on the road in front and immediately got into the LEFT TURN LANE - - because in , oh let 's say , 1 . 5 miles she was going to have to turn left into the hospital parking lot . Down the road we fly - - I am hanging onto the door handle - - - We rush in - - I have never seen her walk that fast in her life ! ! ! We get back to the room Merle is in - - laying there all comfortable in bed , watching " Amish Mafia " and Pearl rushes up to him and says , " You don 't do this to me , Merle ! I have told you and God - - I am going first ! Don 't you dare die on me ! ! " I walk in behind her and he smiles - - I walk over and take his hand and look at him . " You look pretty good to me . Your color is great . " Then I look up at the monitor - - " I can tell you one thing Mister - - you are not having a heart attack ! ! Your oxygen saturation is 100 percent . Your respiration is 18 and your heart rate is 62 beats per minutes . " He was having tachycardia - - arterial fibrillation - - rapid heart beat . Long story short - - he has been having these episodes for about six months . When he went for his annual check - up last month , he didn 't bother to tell the doctor because he felt fine " at the time . " When he had it today , he decided to drive to hospital so they could check it out while it was happening . There was no enzyme in his blood work to point to a heart attack HOWEVER - - it did show that he might have a blood clot in his lung . Off he went for a CAT scan of his lungs - - - Echo cardiogram of his heart . When the doc came in , Pearl demanded they get him something to eat . The doctor said , " You can 't eat while we are doing the tests . " Pearl was pissed . Then , I reminded them of the day last February , when he got up in the morning and got half way down the hallway and dropped to his knees because his heart was beating rapidly and he couldn 't breathe . Neither one of them remembered - - SAY WHAT ? ? ? So , now I have to look it up in my written journal so I can get the date , because , the doc wants to know when this all started . When Pearl heard him say he 'd been having these episodes for quite a while , she slapped him on his arm - - really hard . " Why didn 't you tell me ? " Then she looked at me , " Why wouldn 't he tell me ? Damn men - - all alike . Would rather fall over dead then share that kind of news with their wife ! ! " Do I push in the clutch and the brake when I start it ? Had to think and go through some of the motions . Okay - - first is up and left , second is left and down , third up and right , fourth down and right . Got it ! Now - - where is reverse ? I got it home and never lurched , so - - - I CAN drive a stick shift ! ! The phone was ringing when I walked in the door . My sister . " It rained over night . The ground is easier to dig . Do you want to bury Fred today ? " So - - I loaded Fred into the back seat and the heavy cement angel dog statue . Went potty . Put more water in the cats dish . Grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator . Wrote a note for Pearl . Stopped at her house to leave the note and make sure her cat had food , petted him and off I went . Forty minutes later , I pulled into the cemetery . Chuck and Susan were there , clipping grass from around our family stones . Fred and I spent Christmas Day with Chuck and Susan , two years ago . They went back to Binghamton , NY on December 30th . Fred died New Years day and when I called to tell her , she wanted to turn around and drive back and I told her not too . So - - - after Fred 's marker was in place at the cemetery , two weeks ago , I asked them to pick a day that was convenient for them to bury him . We wanted a day when the ground wouldn 't be dry and hard . Chuck measured Fred 's " casket " and started digging and it was like he was digging in top soil . It wasn 't full of clay and it wasn 't hard to dig . I probably could have done it myself , but I kind of wanted them involved . ( I hope these pictures don 't offend . Remember , this is now my journal , as I can 't write anymore with my arthritic right hand . So I am putting here , thoughts and pictures that I normally would put in my private , paper , written journal . ) Chuck had his hat off and told Fred , " Don 't worry . Michael Waltrip is still racing and the Tigers are doing great this year ! " and then Susan said , " Fred , we all miss you so much . Everyone in our family loved you and we are so happy that you can still be with us - - here in our family 's place of rest . " Then I said , " Thanks for the best seven years of my life , Sweetheart . I love you . " Then we joined hands and said the Lord 's Prayer . Then I said , " I should have brought my French Horn so I could have played Taps . " ( Because you know how irreverent I am ! Then we went back to their place , The Farm , where they are finally getting their new siding put on , had supper and I drove home - - IN THE WORST RAIN STORM EVER ! ! ! AND IT WAS DARK AND I DO NOT DRIVE WELL IN THE DARK AND WITH THE RAIN COMING DOWN CATS AND DOGS - - I sang , " Be not dismayed what ' ere betide , God will take care of you . Beneath His wings of love abide , God will take care of you . God will take care of you , in every way , ore all the day , He will take care of you . God will take care of you . " and he did and I made it and stopped in to see Pearl and Merle DOES NOT have a blood clot in his lung , but they are keeping him a few days for a stress test and observation . YAY ! ! Personally , I think he may need a PaceMaker / Defibrillator , or even a stent , but I did not mention that to Pearl . She is just happier that he isn 't going before her - - - - - - - - - Okay ! It feels so good to me to have Fred buried . To feel that he is finally , really at peace . While , I do not like cremation - - it just creeps me out ! I KNOW - - it is just a body . His soul has already gone to Heaven . But , his physical body is the one I knew and adored and to have him put in a oven . . . . . . . . . . . I remember something the mortician told me when my Mother died . Mortician 's can be weird , you know . I think it goes along with their kind of work . They talk " shop " sometimes when they should say nothing ! ! Anyway he said , " If you opened your Mother 's casket , twenty years from now , she would look just like she looks today . " That was actually very reassuring to me . I 'd go to the cemetery and stand by her grave and know that . . . she still looked beautiful . Of course , on the 20th anniversary of her death , I got a bit nauseous and creeped out , but . . . . . . . . . . . . I just didn 't like the idea of his ashes sitting out on the end table or on my bedroom dresser . It felt almost disrespectful to me . He was not " at rest " . I know a lot of widows who keep their husband 's ashes in a nice urn on the mantle , or have a shrine set up , but . . . . . . . I have always feared , the house burning down or a tornado taking it away . What would be left ? Nothing ! Fred would be " lost " again - - truly lost . So - - - to me it just feels better to know where his remains are and that he is safe from everything . Unless , of course , when the aliens come and do their archaeological research and dig up our graves to see how we took care of our dead and find - - - - - - - - - - - - - Fred and his dog buried together ? Separate containers , but yet together . They may wonder what a strange and weird people we were . An unfinished woman . I figured by now , I 'd know it all - - but it seems everyday , something either changes or something new comes along for me to tackle . I still haven 't figured out who I am or what I want to be . I just know , I am putting one foot in front of the other and going - - ever forward . We managed to get two rainy days in a row . It 's just what the lawn doctor ordered . Everything is green and lush again . It looks like a rain forest outside . . . This apron was made in April ( ? ) . Time is just passing me by it seems with so many appointments and early morning trips to the eye clinic . The second su . . . My life is not without challenges . Like so many of us , there are many more challenges than I would like . But I sit here today and I look out at the sun s . . . I 'm still working on Ukrainian Easter Eggs . I 'm so happy to be able to make them . I still have difficulty getting a good photo of the eggs , though . . . . My oldest daughter 's father has died . He is not the one who molested the girls , he was just a deadbeat dad . Ever since I left him he had struggled to liv . . . Tis the season you guys . . . . I have not forgotten . . . . Angel Man who keeps me sane all year round . This year I would just like to lick him lol . . . what is w . . . |
Stumped about what to get the toddler who has everything ? Baffled by what you should get for the child down the street for her next birthday ? Tired of guessing the next best Christmas wonder toy ? Kahlen is here to demonstrate her favorite high tech cutting edge toys . First , the multi colored , multifunctional cans of beans and bacon soup . They role , they stack , they make loud noises when dropped on the floor . They are surprisingly cuddly , and may in times of national emergency serve as an effective teddy bear replacement . Hours of entertainment for the most finicky eighteen month old . Next , we have the ever popular oatmeal box . Now , don 't let its trendy appearance fool you , it is actually a low tech marvel that can double as a storage container or a drum . No batteries required . Yes , seriously ! Don 't forget about the nice old Quaker man on the outside of the box , such a friendly looking chap . Here we have the new and improved roasting pan . It can be sat in , it can be danced in . It can be slid across the floor and used as a transportation unit for self or toys . And , it 's silver and shiny , always a plus for the discriminating toddler . Used separately , the measuring cup can also serve as a stylish shoe . Like the oatmeal box it makes a fantastic musical instrument that makes the sound of a bird in spring . It also successfully scatters dog food across the kitchen floor . Finally , the tuna can and the dog bed . Not toys you normally think of to use together , but miraculously they work in coordination much the same way an artists paint brush works with hot coals . You think it isn 't going to work , yet you throw them together and sparks fly . It 's a beautiful site to see . I think I have said before that my backyard is its own little ecosystem . It has many old growth trees . It has fruit , nut and pine trees . It has everything to sustain an ecosystem . Right before we got that huge winter storm around Ground Hog Day the squirrels were out very busily gathering nuts and dead fruit . I had never seen squirrels working so hard anywhere . They freaked out as much about the impending storm as people did . I have often mentioned the abundance of rabbit poo in the yard , which of course means we must have many rabbits , though I have never actually seen them yet . A neighbor told me she has seen a possum in the yard . Every morning we hear birds chirping happily . On the down side , with every healthy ecosystem there are predators . Every so often I would find the carcass of a bird torn to pieces out in the yard . When I saw the first one it was a little gross , but it was old . I figured it was dragged in by a cat or something and never thought more of it . A few weeks later I saw another one , this one was a fresh kill . Again , I assumed it was from a cat . I noticed that the dead bird was pretty large . It started freaking me out a bit . Then there was another and another , and these birds were ripped to shreds . I really started wondering if it was just a cat , or something else . I even started to worry that there might be some creepy kids doing despicable things to these poor birds and throwing them in our yard . Or as my imagination swirled , maybe some very strange person putting a voodoo hex on our house , or some very angry ghost trying to scare us away . Blame it on too much time on my hands . The other evening Kahlen and I were taking Bazinga out to do his stuff . It was right before dusk and the evening was setting in . I looked out into the yard and saw something moving . It was pretty good sized , at first glance I thought it might be that possum I 'd been told about . It wasn 't , it was a bird . A large bird , maybe a falcon and it had another bird that it had just caught . The other bird , ( guessing by the remains ) was either a blue jay or a pigeon . It was still alive , but wouldn 't be for long . I watched as the doomed bird struggled for its last gasps of life . Soon it was over . All of this happened just yards from us . Kahlen and Bazinga were busily oblivious to the whole thing . I found it fascinating that a bird of prey chose our yard . We live in a rural area , but we are smack in the middle of town . A small town indeed , but still not where you expect Wild Kingdom to come to life . The most amazing thing was that he seemed to have no fear of us . I didn 't share this sentiment , I didn 't want him to think we were going to try to steal his kill , so we went in . The next morning we all went out for our morning Bazinga poo time and our friend was back . He was retrieving what was left behind the night before . I took the dog and Kahlen back in the house and grabbed my camera . You can see the feathers and blood at his feet . Gruesome , but all part of the circle of life . And I 'm pretty sure he doesn 't know any voodoo . Kahlen started the day bright and early again . Willie had taken Bazinga out before he went to work , so Kahlen and I got to have some girl time before I had to take him out again . We went downstairs and changed her diaper . She absolutely hates having her diaper changed . It wastes precious time that would be better spent doing something more important , like running through the house screaming . Diaper change done , we turned on the some music and started jammin in our jammies while we made breakfast . Kahlen loves to dance . She loves all types of music . She will dance to anything . We boogied together while we got everything out of the fridge . We shook our booties while we made chocolate milk . We got breakfast all put together and shuffled it to the table . I had some left over french toast from yesterday , so we reheated that . Yesterday , Grandpa ate breakfast with her . He is much more meticulous than I am and washed the syrup off Kahlen 's hands with every single bite . I prefer the wait till we are done and get it all at once method . Sometimes this backfires on me . Today was one of those times . I let Kahlen dip her french toast in her syrup and feed herself . She has not perfected the use of a fork yet . Each bite was an experiment in how to least efficiently get food from plate to pallet . When we were done , I went to the internet to try to apply for federal disaster relief funding . Somehow , the federal government does not have funding for syrup disasters , who knew ? I think members of congress should have to clean up their own toddlers ' breakfast messes instead of having the nanny do it . Perhaps , then their would be more understanding for this national crisis . When every thing was all cleaned up we brought Bazinga downstairs to join us in a game of monkey tag . What is monkey tag ? Yesterday , when we went to Pamida , we got Kahlen a little purple monkey with bunny ears . I thought it was adorable , so Kahlen HAD to have it . We started playing tag , and the person who was " not it " got to run with the monkey . When she was caught the other person got to have the monkey and run with it . I figure it was exercise and sharing all rolled into one . It seems a rousing game of monkey tag wakes a toddlers bowels up , so it was time for another diaper change . To get her to cooperate a little more I told Kahlen when she was done she could have a diaper to diaper her baby with . It helped a little , she got the diaper and tried to diaper her glowworm . If you have never seen a glow worm , they don 't have legs . It didn 't really matter though , she mostly just wanted to shake the heck out of the diaper . It was quite a busy morning . We got into the car to go have lunch with Grandpa . Kahlen passed out before we even got three blocks . We ate lunch with Grandpa . Today , it was Gramma 's job to help her with her drink . After dropping off Grandpa , Kahlen and I went to the pet store for dog food and cat litter . We spent a lot of time looking at the birds , rabbits , fish and mice . She really liked the big macaws . They busily showed off for her and made her giggle . The bunnies even seemed to be trying to get her attention . Not that it was hard . About halfway back to Rossville Kahlen conked out again , and has been sleeping ever since . I think we may try cookie making when she wakes up . I wonder if there is disaster aid for that ? Today started early . Kahlen woke up crying with a cold wet diaper . Wet everything to be more correct . I picked her up and gave her to Grandpa . She cried louder . I went downstairs to get diaper changing materials and dry jammies . When I got back up , she was still crying . We got her all changed and she cuddled up to go back to sleep . Bazinga , now awake , decided he needed to go out . I went to give Kahlen to Grandpa so I could take Bazinga out , but she was having none of that . A little heart broken , Willie got up and took Bazinga out . Kahlen snuggled back down , eyes closed , calm and happy . Then Bazinga came back upstairs , rip roaring and ready to play . There would be no more sleeping . We had a nice breakfast of french toast and pears . Cleaned up , got dressed and brushed our teeth . The rest of the day ahead of us , we tried to decide what to do . Running around the house from one room to the next seemed to be the favorite choice of the day . Kahlen would chase me , Bazinga would chase Kahlen , and Grandpa took a nap . I 'm not sure how he slept through it , but he must of needed the sleep . About 11 : 00 we decided to head up to Hoopston to go to Pamida for diapers . About two minutes into the drive Kahlen passed out . Willie decided to just keep driving so she could keep sleeping . We ended up in Watseka , turned around and headed back . Once we got to Hoopston again we stopped at Pizza Hut for lunch . Kahlen , loves garlic cheese bread . She devoured that , apple sauce and a little pizza . She had a cup of lemonade . Grandpa or I would help her when she wanted a drink . Suddenly , she decided that it was Grandpa 's job to help her with her drink , and only Grandpa 's . If I would try , she would push the cup to Grandpa refusing to take a drink from me . I think Grandpa was secretly thrilled . They were both so cute . ( Sssshhhhh , don 't tell Willie I called him cute . ) We got back home and it was time to move some furniture . We have a little red rocking chair that we bought at the Habitat For Humanity store . I plan on repainting it this summer . It is a nice sturdy little rocking chair . Kahlen loves it . She can pick it up and move it around . So , she does . She moved it one place , sat in it , then moved it again . She put it against the wall , she put it in the middle of the room , she put it facing the wall . Each time sitting in it to see if it was in the right place . Finally , it came in from the front porch to the living room . Again , put in many different places and sat in . There was a perfect place for this chair and Kahlen was going to find it . It was time for another game of tag . Then a game of fetch . Ok , in my defense the game started out with me trying to get the dog to fetch . Every time I threw the toy for Bazinga , Bazinga and Kahlen both would go running after it . What 're ya gonna do ? It turned into a race between them to see who could get to the toy first . Whoever got it , would bring it back to me . Finally , Bazinga gave up , knowing , that girl , would bring the toy back , and then it was just Kahlen chasing the toy . I wondered if it was somehow wrong for me to be playing fetch with my grand daughter , but she was having fun , so we kept playing . Supper was pig out time . Here was the menu . . . . . Yogurt , starfruit , tamales , peas , and Chocolate milk . When she was done with those she decided she needed part of Grandpa 's tuna sandwich and a pickle . I guess playing fetch builds up an appetite . Bath time was fun as always . Then Monsters Inc , then bed . I 'm glad the day started early . It was a good day . 6 : 30 am will be fine tomorrow , too . Cheese puffs are a wonderful snack . They are crispy and cheesy and airy . I enjoy a nice bag of them now and then myself . However , eighteen month old + long drive + cheese puffs = big mess . There was fluorescent orange cheese puff nuclear waste every where . There was cheese puff glue in places there should never be cheese puff glue . It had plastered to itself to her pants , it was in her hair , on her car seat . I do believe that cheese puffs should be reclassified as a weapon of mass destruction . They did keep her happy for a while though , that 's what counts . Kahlen 's Party Pad Kahlen and I have this whole traveling thing down to a science . She has become a well seasoned traveler . I have a very specific way of setting up the car . I call it Kahlen 's Party Pad . She has enough toys to keep her entertained for a few hours . Then we bring out the computer to watch movies . We stop often . Iowa has some awesome rest stops . They have really nice clean bathrooms . Sturdy diaper changing areas and lots of picnic tables . They also have free WiFi , a way to check the weather and of course vending machines . I know it may seem strange to gush over a rest area , but when you have a child with a stinky diaper and a case of the " I WANT OUT OF THE CAR " blues , a nice rest stop is a life saver . Compared to the rest areas in Illinois , Iowa 's are mini spas . Illinois ' rest areas are functional and usually clean , but that 's about it . After we were done with our lunch We went for a little walk to stretch our legs . Kahlen " walked " Bazinga . All went well until Kahlen tripped on a stick and fell . It broke her heart more than it hurt , but she was ready to get on our way again . All was good , Planet 51 was playing on the computer . Bazinga was snoozing in his kennel . We were traveling a long on I - 74 . We played a quick game of peek - a - boo in the rearview mirror . We got to Highway 136 and the whining started . She was getting tired , and was sick of being in the car . I slipped her some crackers and that seemed to help , for about two minutes . It was dark and she couldn 't get to her toys . I started praying for her to go to sleep . When we got to Rantoul she did . The rest of the drive went smoothly and quietly . She knows that at the end of a big bye bye , she gets to see Grandpa . We got to the house . I got her out of her car seat and brought her into the house . She ran into the front room , calling for Grandpa the whole way , so excited ! No Grandpa , he was still at work . She passed the time waiting for Grandpa working very hard rearranging my cupboards . I had them all wrong . I was just lucky she was there to fix them . It was pure chaos , it took a very long time for her to get them just right . Then , a sound at the back door . Bazinga starts barking , who could it be ? GRANDPA ! ! ! She ran to the door laughing the whole way ! She ran straight into his arms and gave him a big bear hug . She was very excited to see him ! She told him about her trip , and how she fixed Gramma 's cupboards . She told him the long drive was all worth it ! Bazinga and I got to Valerie 's last night a little after nine . When I got there I started prying into my daughter 's love life and got a few details about the new man in her life . We had a good talk . I enjoyed it , not sure if she did . Bazinga , completely bored with the subject went to pouncing Olivia . Olivia is Valerie 's cat . The back story to Olivia , as seen through my eyes , is a story of a terrorist . You see , Olivia came to live at our house at one point for about six months . Olivia , normally is a sweet , excessively loving cat . On her own I love Olivia . Olivia plus Mia , and ( at that time ) Sierra , was a war zone ! If it had been before Wickett , our dog , passed away , he would have protected Mia and Sierra . On their own they didn 't stand a chance . Most of it , I must admit , was my own cats ' faults . Olivia came to our house frightened at first , but then ready to play . Mia , of course was terrified ! Sierra , being very old and fragile , had no intention of playing with a new cat . Olivia didn 't understand . Unfortunately , she still had all of her claws , and when she did try to play , it scared Mia even more . She would pounce and role Sierra , who 's old bones couldn 't handle it . This ended up scaring Sierra , who turned to Mia as her defender . Not a good choice , but the only choice . The end result being , one frustrated cat who wanted to play . Olivia , finally ended up mad , and instead of playing , started attacking . Attacking ferociously , she put a hole in Mia 's back . Seems , if you aren 't Olivia 's friend you are her bitter enemy . This resulted in terrified cats that wouldn 't leave my bedroom . We ended up moving the litter box in there . Willie was now unhappy , too . Olivia = terrorist . We all lived through it , battle scares and all . Valerie ended up with a place of her own , and Olivia moved out . Such a relief . I love my daughter , she didn 't need to move out , her cat did . I love Olivia , when she doesn 't live with my cats . Later that year Sierra passed away . It was because she was 100 years old not because of Olivia . It makes me sad though that Sierra missed out on her last Christmas . She loved Christmas , she really did . Enter Bazinga . The first time Olivia and Bazinga met he was about half her size . Obviously , I was a little nervous . I put him down , they sized each other up . Bazinga is very good at being calm submissive . Olivia Becky Berry Bazinga and I left Rossville today for a long trip back to Des Moines . Willie and I asked Alyssa and Shane if we could have Kahlen for a few days . They said yes , yay , and I decided to bring Bazinga . When we left Rossville it was forty some degrees and raining . It rained most of the way through Illinois . When I had to stop to let Bazinga relieve himself we got rained on . It was annoying , but nothing that bad . At least it was warm . As we crossed the Mississippi the wind started picking up . It wasn 't raining so much , but still drizzling and foggy . The closer we got to Des Moines the colder it got . Apparently , it is still winter here . We got to Grimes , and the wind was blowing , it was cold and it was snowing . Definitely still winter . Then I saw Little Miss Kahlen 's smiling face and the weather just didn 't matter any more . I was so happy to see her , and she seemed happy to see me . It already seemed ten degrees warmer . I got her buckled in her car seat . Bazinga was thrilled to see her , but not thrilled to be in his kennel where he couldn 't properly greet her . This was agony . The three of us went over to to see Great Grandpa Bob . Bazinga chased Kahlen , Kahlen chased Bazinga and Great Grandpa Bob smiled and laughed . Kahlen decided that she needed to " walk " Bazinga . She wanted me to put his leash on , I did . She " walked " him back and forth across the living room . This was a very proud moment for both . Uncle Ben and Aunt Stacey each were there and got to see Kahlen , too . She amused them with her supreme dancing abilities . Soon , Alyssa came as well . We all had quite a good time at Great Grandpa Bob 's . Then it was time to go . I gave Kahlen a kiss good bye and promised her a big bye bye in the morning . A big bye bye is when we take the long trip to Rossville together . Bazinga and I were staying at Valerie 's in Ames . On the way there , we decided to stop and see Josh and Caitlin and Tallulah . Tallulah is their chihuahua . Bazinga exploded with speed and energy and chased Tallulah everywhere . It was like he was hyped on caffeine . Tallulah , excited at first played and chased back . After a while she was sick of the darn kid and sat on me . Bazinga was very disappointed . Time to get to Ames . On I - 80 , I noticed the weather beacon was red , warmer weather is ahead . For those of you not from central Iowa , Des Moines has a weather beacon . It belongs to one of the TV stations . It is a TV tower that has green , red and white lights on it . Way back in the day , before the Internet , and smart phones and heck even color TV , ( yes youngnes , TV used to just be black and white , ) the weather beacon was a quick reference to what the weather would be the next twenty four hours . You could see it from miles around . There 's even a little poem to help you remember . . . Weather beacon red , warmer weather is ahead . Weather beacon white , colder weather is in sight . Weather beacon green no change in temperature is foreseen , weather beacon blinking night or day , precipitation is on the way . Snazzy huh ? It used to be quite useful , now it 's mostly tradition . As I said , I notice it was red . Tomorrow I take Kahlen and Bazinga back to Rossville . I 'm a little nervous about the idea of taking an 18 month old girl and a 6 month old dog on a 7 hour drive all by myself . It will be an adventure . One thing I do know though , it will be warmer . Kahlen is our very own red weather beacon . She warms up the coldest day ! Remember a few short weeks ago , around groundhog day , a majority of the country was in the middle of a monster winter storm . Despite all of the weather news going on around him , Punxsutawney Phil , predicted an early spring . We laughed and scoffed . We said " shows you what a rodent knows . " Yet here we are , not even the end of February , the tons of snow gone , and temperatures this last week have been beautiful . Maybe we should listen to rodents more often . They usually know when to leave a sinking ship , after all . Phil is only the first rite of spring . Another being the most famous words in racing , " Gentleman , start your engines ! " I 'm not a big Nascar fan . I do watch a lot of races , because Willie does . I know more about Nascar then I had ever planned to , but still don 't know much . I do know , though , that the Daytona 500 is the first race of the season , and therefore a rite of spring as well . This fact made watching those cars go fast and turn right much more enjoyable today . ( Until Jimmy Johnson , Willie 's favorite , ended up in the middle of a big wreck . ) Another rite of spring , one of my favorites , GIRL SCOUT COOKIES ! ! ! As a former scout , cookie time never felt like a rite of spring . Having to go out and pound on doors in the freezing cold , at the end of January , to take the orders , does not make you think of spring . I hated selling cookies . I liked that it helped me go to camp every year , but I hated it . I am not a sales person . I don 't like being very , very cold . I don 't like my toes hurting with every step I take . I hated selling cookies . Then delivering , at the end of February . Toting those cookies , back to all of those people who ordered them . Toes cold , again , and carrying cases , almost as big as me , of little boxes of cookies . . . . well , you get the picture . Now , as a buyer , cookie time signals the end of winter . Opening that first box of Peanut Butter Patties , ( or Tagalongs , depending on what state you live in , ) is like the first little hope of spring . It reminds me of Camp Sacajawea , the true goal I always had when selling . There is another , more pungent , sign of spring . It wafts through the air . It attacks your olfactory senses . It takes you aback and makes you cover your nose in repulsion . It is , the smell of skunk . Yes , this is an unpleasant experience . The first time you smell it after a long winter , however , lets you know , that spring is truly on its way . Soon after this odoriferous spring reminder , another appears . Roadkill . When you see your first squished raccoon , you know it is spring . I do not endorse going out and squishing a raccoon to try and make spring come . I also hate seeing anything squished by the side of the road , so if you are a member of PETA , don 't comment on how horrid a person I am . The fact is , road kill happens , and it happens more in spring . I will stand by Phil , and the hopes of an early spring . I know , North Dakota , Minnesota and Michigan got socked with a blizzard again this weekend . The first day of spring for them usually doesn 't get there until June 27th anyway , so that doesn 't count . Yes , we will probably have another bump in the road . We are sure to be scooping more snow before we are mowing lawns , but for the most part Phil seems to have gotten it right . He seems to do as well as the people with Doppler radar anyway . I was eating one of the delicious cookies that Josh and Caitlin sent me . It was sweet and vanillaee and heavenly ! I was so excited to unwrap it and partake in its decadence . It was bliss ! But I started thinking about the cookie in general . My kids think I 'm strange sometimes because all of the sudden I will ask a question out of nowhere . I 'll be sitting watching TV with Alyssa and ask a question that has nothing to do with anything that is going on . But it is usually something that I have been pondering on for a little while . I 'll be watching the fish in the aquarium , instead of the TV . Watching them flow through the water and fight with each other . Carefully , paying attention to their eyes , " Do fish blink ? " I 'll blurt out . Alyssa , watching Say Yes to The Dress , seeing no connection , will look at me like I have lost my mind , " What ? " Today 's question . . . . Who invented cookies and how did they figure out it was the best idea they would ever have in their entire life ? Was it on purpose ? Did they put the flour and sugar and baking soda together thoughtfully and with a specific goal in mind ? Or was it a happy accident ? Was the real goal a bread ? Were they trying to make pancakes and put them in an oven to make more at once and ended up with cookies instead ? Who were these geniuses ? All good questions lead to more questions . What the heck is baking soda ? Seriously , we use it in everything . We know what it does , it makes our cookies light and airy . I think . Well , it helps make our cookies good . If you accidentally use baking powder instead , your cookie is NOT good , and visa verse . Some cookies take both , how come ? What are these powdery white substances really ? Where do they come from ? Is there a baking powder mine , like a salt mine ? Are they concoctions of other things ? And who was the first person to figure out to use them ? You don 't hear about cookies in Biblical times , but they definitely had bread . Did they have baking soda and baking powder way back then ? We know there is talk of unleavened bread , which means they had leavened bread , which means they had yeast . How did they know to use yeast ? Did God give Adam and Eve a cookbook ? What a cook book that would be . Did stone age man carry baking soda in his wallet as he moved from place to place ? Ok , yeah , that is just absurd , he wouldn 't have room for his emergency condom if he did that . I 'm not sure where cookies first came from but I , along with Cookie Monster , am very glad we have them ! The world would be a much sadder place with out them . I have never had a lot of use for Valentine 's day . While I know there is a true and good history behind it , I have no idea what it is . I know there was a true St . Valentine . I don 't know what he did to become a saint or why he is connected with love . ( Ok , yeah , I 'll look it up on the net when I 'm done , now I am curious . ) At Christmas you see a lot of " Remember the reason for the season . " Which I completely agree with . But if St . Valentine was important enough to get his own holiday , why don 't we know anything about him ? Because perhaps , it has become so commercial that it has even out commercialed Christmas ? While , we don 't spend near as much money on Valentine 's Day , I think it has even more power over us to buy something . If we don 't buy something very romantic and fabulous for that one special person , we risk relationship DOOM ! ! ! Isn 't that what the flower and card people have convinced us . Why do we put so much importance on the perfect Valentine 's present ? If we doom a relationship because we didn 't get the perfect Valentine is the relationship worth having in the first place ? The Valentine industry would love us all to believe that all relationships will end on February 15th if Valentine 's Day is not perfect ! All of this put together jaded me on the holiday long ago . I have a wonderful and loving husband . He proves his love to me everyday , I don 't need him to buy me some insane present on Valentine 's Day . ( Yes , he did get me something wonderful , because he is wonderful . ) Then I went out to get the mail this morning and found a box . A pretty big box . It was sitting on the front porch . We don 't use our front door very often except to get the mail . I wondered to myself , first , what is it ? Second , when did it get there . And third , who sent it . I didn 't remember ordering anything , did Willie ? It was addressed to both of us . Perplexing . I picked it up , it wasn 't as heavy as the size of the box led me to think it would be . Curious . I took it inside . They smell even better then they look ! ! ! ! I opened the mystery box . The sweet decadent aroma of sugar cookies enveloped my senses . I found the message on the outer wrapping . " Happy Valentine 's Day ! We love you and miss you very much . Love , Josh and Caitlin . " Suddenly , the spirit of St . Valentines Day came over me in a rush . I understood , I got it . My day brightened up immediately . It was like a rainbow after a terrible storm . It was my spring after the long winter . It made me HAPPY ! Will I still scoff at Valentine 's Day ? The cynic in me wants to say yes . But the mushy , soft hearted part of me will probably win out . I 'm very glad about that . Maybe the flower and greeting card industry has taken this " holiday " by the throat , but the unexpected , joy of it is still there . It is sitting on my table waiting for Willie to see it , too ! I was driving to Mattoon today , because that is where the closest branch of our bank is . As I was heading south on I - 57 I kept seeing signs for Memphis . Memphis is apparently about as far away from here as Des Moines . I kept seeing the signs and thought to myself , I could just keep going . I could just drive on down just to see what there was to see . Of course I didn 't . I needed to get back home . It got me to thinking though . I really want to go some place new . Some place I haven 't been before . I really didn 't want to go to Memphis . I just wanted wanted to go . Memphis seemed just as good a place as any . I didn 't really want to go by my self though . Plus , I didn 't have anything with me . You know , tooth paste , deodorant , the important things , the things that make it more pleasant to be around each other . Where I really want to go is Philadelphia . I want to see the Liberty Bell , and Independence Hall . I want to walk in the footsteps of the men who founded our great country . See the places Ben Franklin held dear . I also want to go to Washington DC . I want to see the Lincoln Memorial and browse through the National Archives . I want to go to Mt . Vernon and see where the father of our country lived . Maybe go to the National Cherry Blossom Festival . I 'd also love to go to Montana . You see it in the movies and it just looks beautiful . I love camping and hiking . I really want to go to Oregon . I want to see Crater Lake . And I want to see to see an ocean . I know it would be a challenge , but I bet there is even something cool to see in Kansas . I want to find it ! I would love to travel to every state in this country . Wouldn 't that be a great job . Go from state to state , see what wonderful people and places each had and write about it . 50 states in one year . That would be about one week in each state . I wonder if I could get someone to pay me to do that ? Hmmm . I could drive through each of the lower 48 . I love driving . I could go to all of the weird little places that you hear about but never get to see . Or the places that you pass as you rush somewhere else and think to yourself , I want to stop there someday , but never do . Of course I would need to fly to Hawaii and Alaska . ( Although if you check Google maps it seems to think you can kayak to Hawaii . Check it out , put USA as starting point and Japan as end point and look at # 31 . ) I would love to fly to Alaska and Hawaii . I 'm pushing 50 and never been on an airplane . DREAM JOB ! I can see it now , I could call the series Fifty Year Old Firsts . Anyone know how I could get someone to pay me to do this ? Weirder things have happened . After all they pay Macy Gray to sing . I 've been very angry today . Everything has gone wrong . My daughter , Alyssa , has been sick and ended up in the ER last night and I wasn 't there for her . I couldn 't help her , I couldn 't take Kahlen for her , I was stuck here . I 'm her mom and this is the first time I wasn 't there for her when she was that sick . I wanted to go to Des Moines but couldn 't . She 's ok , but I was useless . I know I can 't be there every time one of my kids has a runny nose , but she ended up in the ER . I wasn 't there . Today every time I turned around some stupid thing was going wrong . I kept stepping on one of Bazinga 's chew toys , which hurt a lot . Things didn 't work right . Everything was getting on my nerves and making me angry . I kept throwing things and yelling at no one . Mostly because there was no one there to yell at . This evening , still angry , I stopped to read my friend Reanna 's blog . She had posted about how she and her husband had been trying for three years to get pregnant . How much it hurt . Yet she still has the faith in God that He has a perfect plan for her . She posted this verse : I felt myself take a deep breath . My anger subsiding . Still not sure how things are going to work out , but knowing , somehow , they are . God does have perfect plans for us . Several years ago I prayed and begged for something that I thought I desperately wanted . When I didn 't get it I was angry then , too . Looking back on it , I am so grateful to God that He said no . He knew what I needed , even if I wasn 't smart enough to understand it . He knows what I need now , too . Even though , once again , I am not smart enough to see it yet . So , here I am . Giving my problems to God . Knowing that he will take care of my family , my friends and yes , even me . I know He is there . I know He has a plan . Thank you , Reanna , for helping me to see that again , This morning I woke up and knew that I needed to give Bazinga a bath . Still being in the mood for spring I really wanted to be outside instead . I figured , since he needs a bath anyway why not get him extra dirty . I gathered up an old towel , a water bottle and Bazinga 's leash and off we went . It was cloudy and dreary in Rossville . I decided to head to Indiana . Shades State Park is one of my favorite places . As we drove out of Illinois the clouds started breaking up . Small patches of blue sky started peaking through the gray . I felt myself daring to hope that once I reached my destination that the clouds would be gone . As we reached the narrow winding road that lead to the park , the clouds behind us , the sun shone through . I felt a weight lift from my shoulders . It felt good to see the sun and be out of Illinois even if just for the afternoon . We got out of the van and Bazinga started quickly sniffing about to see what this new place was . We walked down the path and turned toward The Devils Punch Bowl . We continued on the wooden board walk that was covered with snow . I was excited to see the green fern breaking through the icy snow . The strength of spring pushing it 's way to the surface We turned a corner and found that the stairs going down into the Punch Bowl were covered with ice . I thought for a few minutes about turning back but decided to venture forward . I crushed the ice with my foot and pushed it away with each step . When I got to the bottom I was glad I did . If we had turned back we would have missed out on this . You can 't tell by the photo but those icicles were four feet tall . Bazinga was enjoying himself investigating every little piece of moss and speckle of dirt . His fur becoming blacker with every step . The evidence of melting surrounded us . Every rock dripping water into the creek below , that itself was working very hard to become liquid again . The sounds of the melting echoed through the little canyon . We both enjoyed our walk immensely . We would come upon obstacles that made me think it was time to turn back . We slowly found our way around them and pushed forward . Finally though , toes cold and legs tired I decided it was time to head home . I had been happily photographing our short journey . I paid little attention to the path we took to get there . When I turned to head back , I looked up . Suddenly , the extremely wise words of Forrest Gump rang loudly in my head . " Stupid is as stupid does . " I realized , while it may have been tricky getting down into this beautiful bit of nature , getting back out may be even trickier . I thought about the fact that no one knew where I was . I left the house on a whim and didn 't think there was any reason to bother Willie at work to let him know where I was going . Maybe not so smart of me . With a few slips and a slight turn of the ankle we found our way back to the wooden stairs . I only ended up on my bum once . It bruised my ego more than my body . Photos taken and lessons learned we made our way back to the car . Bazinga was covered with dirt and grime . Luckily , I had thought ahead enough to bring the old towel . Before we got in the car I gave him a drink of water , which helped to clean his chin a little anyway . I opened the door and put him on the towel . Our little adventure over , he slept all the way home . PS . . . Ignore the date on the photos . My camera decides to change the date on me every once in a while . Since the snow is everywhere , it obviously is not July . And I have not been able to perfect my time machine yet . Other than my kids not being here to look at me like I 'm ready to be put in a home , Let 's All Pretend It 's SPRING Day was a huge success . Dug the grill out of the snow drift it has be stuck in for months and grilled lots of good food . I changed my menu a little from what I had listed the other day . Instead of cheese burgers , I decided brats sounded good . I also decided to experiment with plantains . Why ? I don 't know , I 've always been curious . When I was at the store the other day there they were . I bought two and brought them home with no idea of what you are supposed to do with them . Food Network to the rescue . I found a recipe on their web site . It was one by Bobby Flay . I wanted a recipe that grilled the plantains and he had a few . It had a brown sugar , honey and orange juice glaze . It also called for cilantro , which I didn 't have , I used a little parsley instead . The glaze was good . The plantains , eh . I don 't think I am a fan . They weren 't horrible , but they weren 't good either . They kind of tasted like a potato , but not much else . I like to experiment with at least one dish whenever I make a " holiday " dinner . I figure if it isn 't good , there are a ton of other things to eat . If it is good , I can make it again . I won 't make this again . I made cowboy beans . I love cowboy beans . I put lots of brown sugar , honey , molasses , maple syrup and bbq sauce in them and then bake them forever . Or like I did today , put them on the grill for ever . Mmmmm MMMM ! They turned out very well . Cowboy beans are pretty much a staple at a holiday dinner for our family . Josh loves them . His Grandpa Berry dubbed them cowboy beans when Josh was little and the name stuck . I got some frozen corn on the cob and put it on the grill . It was of course , disappointing . We are from Iowa . Frozen corn on the cob just doesn 't cut it . Had to try though . We also had potato salad . If you are going to grill you must have potato salad . I think it is a law or something . If it isn 't it should be . Desert was grilled pineapple and ice cream . If you have never grilled pineapple you need to try it . This was something I heard on Food Network and tried it once for an experimental dish for a Fourth of July menu . It was good . It was very good . Willie loves it . When we grill now we usually grill pineapple . It is pretty easy , too . Don 't let a pineapple scare you . You just need to show it who is boss . Chop off the top and bottom and then run a knife down the sides . That 's all it takes to peel it . then cut it in fourths , cut away the core , and finish cutting it into spears . Coat with canola oil and sprinkle with sugar . Grill until you get grill marks on all sides . The sun is shining and it is warm outside . What a wonderful way to start the weekend . Willie and I went to a little diner down the street for breakfast and both ended up getting lunch instead . When we got home I took Bazinga out for a walk and he 'd no intention of coming back in . He wanted to be outside . He usually is very nervous on walks but today he was loving every step . He walked through puddles and over snow mounds . He didn 't even notice the cars and trucks driving by to their Saturday activities . He stopped only to be admired by a neighbor . He sniffed and inspected and moved on to the next thing . As he walked along , being the mobile dust mop that he is , he picked up every little piece of dirt and grime in his path . He was one happy dog . He , now is one pooped out pup . A little disappointed that he is not allowed on the couch right now , but still sleeping happily on the floor . Bazinga was not the only one to be happily out and about . The sunshine felt wonderful on my face . I was so excited to see the snow melting and quickly running down the street and into the storm sewers . I found evidence of melting everywhere . Melting from the roof dripping down on to our completely iced over driveway . I am especially excited about that ! We kind of have two driveways . One that comes up along side the house and one that goes into the detached garage . I like the drive next to the house when I have groceries to unload . I can pull up right next to the deck and unload . With it totally iced over I have to make fifty trips to the garage to unload . Oh , well , it isn 't like I cant use the exercise . Every little drop that melts away is one drop closer to being able to use the drive again ! Bazinga is excited about all of the happy little surprise prizes hiding under the surface of the snow waiting for him to discover . My back yard is like one huge box of crackerjacks to him . New toys with every step and tasty snacks to give him the energy to go digging for more . I think Willie is probably the most impatient for spring to finally get here . We have the biggest yard we have ever had . I know he is itching to get out and start making it his yard . Right now it still feels like someone else 's yard . Well , if you don 't count all of the Bazinga poo out there . Willie is a very accomplished gardener . I 'm excited to see what he does with it . One of the first things we will have to do is clean up the ginkgo nuts that litter the yard . We have a female ginkgo tree in our yard . I am excited to see it all leaved out . I have seen the fallen leaves and they are these big beautiful fan shaped leaves . I can 't wait to see them green and new . In the fall they will be a brilliant yellow . I am not excited to clean up the nuts . If you have never see a ginkgo nut , like I hadn 't before I moved here , a ginkgo nut is covered with a fleshy fruit . This fruit , STINKS ! When I say stinks , I mean it smells like fermented dog crap that has been contaminated with sour milk and rotten meat ! We thought , for about a minute , about taking the tree out because of this . Then we started researching ginkgo trees and realized this tree in our yard must be at least 150 years old . Ginkgoes are a slow growth tree , and ours is huge . It just wouldn 't be right to take it out . So , we are going to have to find a happy compromise with this tree . In other words it will drop the stinky nuts and we will have to clean them up . Some compromise huh ? It will be worth it though . Maybe I should get brave and figure out how to harvest the nuts . I 've seen them for sale on the Internet for twelve dollars a pound . I got a good night sleep last night for the first time in a long time . After being the whiny little brat yesterday , I decided it is once again that time of the year . That second most wonderful time of the year . After this long hard winter that we have had we all deserve it . What ? What ? ! You ask . It is time to break out the grills , thaw out the steaks ! It is time to dig out the shorts and T - shirts ! That 's right ! It is time for LET ' S ALL PRETEND IT ' S SPRING DAY ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! We need it this year even more than ever ! I think this year the whole country needs it . I have done this for the last three years . My kids have thought me crazy , but that 's part of the fun of having kids , making them think you are crazy . Last year I even dressed Kahlen in spring clothes for the day . This year I decided with all of the snow that has clobbered most of the country , I would try making it a Facebook event . I have invited all of my Facebook friends and hope the will invite theirs . Can you imagine , if everyone gets out their grills all on the same day , maybe we can melt all of that dirty white crap out there . I know ! I know ! Grilled pineapple with vanilla ice cream ! Just think , warm caramelized pineapple slowly melting rich vanilla ice cream . Sounds good already ! I can 't wait ! What will your menu be ? There it is , Sunday is going to be the third annual Let 's All Pretend It 's Spring Day ! You can celebrate on what ever day works out best for you . The point is to get out and thump winter in the nose ! Tell old man winter it is time for him give up the reigns . Get out the blow driers and chase Frostie out of town . He 's over stayed his welcome . He 's like the poor relative that comes for Christmas and never leaves ! It 's time for him to GO ! Let 's take that stupid magic hat and give it back to the magician . It is time to make winter go away ! I 've thought twice today about posting anything on this blog . I 'm not in the happiest mood . It is , however , about things in my life and being a normal human being I 'm not always in a good mood . Today is not my best day . I 've been sleeping on the couch while Willie has been sick so he can be more comfortable . Our couch is a good one to sleep on as far as couches go . It is nice and deep , and long enough . It is not however , my bed . Between that and hot flashes I have not slept well . I wake up achy all over and I am exhausted . Willie is better finally , I was getting worried . So , tonight it is back to our bed . Maybe tonight I will sleep ! I am having trouble finding a new job . It seems my skills and experience aren 't of much use around here . This makes me feel as though I am not of much use . I try not to take it personal . Unemployment around here is even higher than the national average , I tell myself . That doesn 't help pay the bills though . I try to fill my days . Today , I rearranged some cupboards in the kitchen . I never thought I 'd be one of those empty nesters that couldn 't cope with not having the insane business of having kids in the house . I am home with no one to talk to but the dog and the cat most of the time . Almost all of the time . I don 't know anyone here in town . I miss my kids . This is the order of how things are supposed to happen . First you raise your kids . You go insane while doing it , but you get to have so much fun that you only sometimes let it get to you . Then , when they are old enough and ready they are supposed to move out of your house , they are supposed to move on . This is a good thing . It is something to celebrate . It means you did your job right as a parent . You made a fully functioning human being that you can be proud of . You aren 't supposed to be the one leaving them . The way it is supposed to be , they leave one at a time . They probably start out some where close by so you still get to see them some . One or two may move farther away , but there is usually one that stays close by . You are not supposed to be the one uprooted and ripped away from all of them all at once . Especially , when you have gotten to be a huge part of your first grand child 's life . I think about the things I am missing out on . Kahlen , is of course , growing like a weed and changing so much . There are two weddings being planned , and it is hard to help from here . The kids try to keep me involved , they send pictures and text me websites . I feel useless . I 'm just not used to not being there . I don 't like doing this cold turkey . I admit it , I am addicted to my kids and grand daughter . My name is Becky and I am a familyaholic . They don 't make an empty nesters patch or gum though . They should . I brought Bazinga home on a Sunday afternoon . As Bazinga and I drove the distance from St . Louis I thought about how I would introduce Bazinga to Mia . Most books or articles would tell you to introduce new animals slowly . I did that before . It took Sierra forever to accept Wickett and then Mia . Sierra was not the coward that Mia is , she was just a cranky old lady cat . Mia needed a very specific kind of introduction or we wouldn 't see her for a year . I thought about it very carefully . Mia was about six times bigger than Bazinga , but I knew she wouldn 't see that and would be terrified of him . She still thinks she can fit in a pop box , she has no concept of size . Mia is not a bright cat . Nature was not kind to her . Luckily , she does not have to fend for herself in the wild . Though she favors herself the mighty huntress , birds scare her , too . She will sneak up , and stalk a bird . She will watch it carefully , and then when she gets five feet away , she stops dead in her tracks . The bird sits on the fence mocking her . It will move down the fence just a little , Mia in " hot pursuit . " The bird stops , Mia stops , the bird laughs . This is what I had to work with . I decided tough love was what it was going to take , or we 'd never see Mia again . Tough love is what she got . We were still in the apartment , which had a very tiny bathroom . Mia also has a problem with bladder control when she gets very frightened . Knowing this I developed my battle plan . I would clear the bathroom of anything that could get ruined by cat pee , or broken . I apologized to Bazinga before hand . He was clueless about what was going to happen , but so was Mia . I got home . I herded Mia into the bathroom . I brought Bazinga , still in his carrier into the bathroom and shut the door . I let Mia sniff at the carrier . She hissed and tried to run away , exactly what I expected . I let Bazinga out . He popped out with normal puppy excitement . Bebopped up to Mia , utterly terrified , Mia growled , hissed and clobbered him . ( Mia is de - clawed , no damage would be done . ) She hid behind me . That 's when I left the bathroom . I let them have it out . One of them would come out dominant over the other and that would be that . Bad noises were heard but no one got hurt . To my amazement , it worked . And low and behold , Mia came out the dominant one . I was very proud of her . She did hide for a while , but Bazinga stayed out of her way . By the time we moved into the new house Mia was bossing him around pretty good . She staked out her space , he gave it to her . He was afraid of her for a while , but now they are playing together , ( when they think no one is looking ) . It took Mia nine months to accept a baby that could only wiggle and make noise . She has already accepted a dog that can chase her around . Yes , she is short one more life due to the experience in the bathroom , but she came out a much " braver " girl . Once Kahlen started moving the first thing she went for was Mia . This surprised , dismayed and of course frightened Mia . She had been skittish of Kahlen all along anyway and when that strange little creature actually started propelling itself from place to place all on its own , life was over . Mia , who had been frightened out of at least four of her nine lives already , just lost number five . It was moving and it was coming after her . This was not acceptable behavior . She liked the strange little bundle better when it had no mobility . She liked it better before it came to live in her house . You see as previously mentioned , Mia is afraid of everything . Most of my friends that have come to our house have never seen Mia . A person has to be at our house a minimum of fifteen times before Mia will willingly come out and visit . People , in general , are the most frightening things on the face of the earth . Well , besides puppies , butterflies , kittens , grasshoppers , ladybugs , plastic walmart bags . The list goes on forever . So , you must understand how scary a new born child was , and it was living in Mia 's house for goodness sake ! It wiggles , it screams , it takes every one 's attention . How can this creature be living in her house ? Fast forward nine months . Mia is starting to accept Kahlen . She seems to be staying so maybe it is time she gets brave and checks her out . Everyone else seems rather fond of her , maybe it is time to find out why . Kahlen is sitting up now , Mia can get up behind her and do a sniff and run . This seems to have a slight calming affect on Mia . Maybe this baby , who is cute after all , might just be ok . She is still loud , but every so often this loudness seems to delight the people who live in the house , so maybe it is ok . Then she started crawling . Unacceptable ! Mia can 't run , she can 't even hide . Her favorite place to hide is behind the couch and the little critter can get back there too ! How can this be ? Next thing you know she will be up and walking like the big humans . Mia was sure she would never survive that ! The move was very smooth . I was sure that Mia would be a panicked mess the entire drive . She hadn 't really been in a car for years . She was going to have to survive a six hour drive in a rental truck with , I swear , no shock absorbers . We put her in her cat carrier . Set up a litter pan in the truck . We put her in the truck and were on our way . Mia cried the first half hour and then peed in the carrier . As you know cat pee stinks . I let her out of the carrier , she walked through the pee and straight on to my lap . We stopped at the first rest stop , Mia went quickly under the seat to hide . I went into the rest stop to change my jeans . I cleaned out the cat carrier and back on the road . It seems that the actual driving was not a scary as you might think . Mia came out of her hiding place , and snuggled next to me for the ride . Every once in a while she would pop up and look out the window . When we stopped she would bolt back under the seat , and hide till we were on our way again . She survived the ride . Willie was still in his apartment and we had several days before we could take possession of the house . Mia seemed to be fine with the apartment . She hid for a little while but was out and about quicker then expected . Everything seemed fine . My friend , Dawn , had a puppy for me . I took the weekend before we could move in to the house to go get him . Oatmeal is like a comfortable old sweatshirt . That one that is in the back of your closet . You wear it when you feel lonely or sick or just want to curl up and watch TV . It 's like your favorite blanket . It is like going home . Oatmeal can warm you from the inside out . It is a space heater for your tummy . Oatmeal makes you feel so good it makes you say words like tummy and not feel silly about it . You go to the cupboard and open it up . There it is . The familiar red and blue , round box . The one you used to make into toy drums when you were young . You see the kindly old face of Mr . Quaker man and you already get that warm fuzzy feeling that you had as a kid getting ready for school . The water boils and you pour the flaky substance in . It foams up into a rolling boil , tumbling over its self . The smell wafts into the air . You stir until the foam is gone . It is ready . You spoon it into a bowl . Bananas and brown sugar ? Maybe blue berries , butter and white sugar ? Today , cranberries and brown sugar . It was nummy . I threw the dried cranberries into the water as it boiled . They plumped back up and their tartness popped into my mouth with every bite . My tummy full and happy , I am ready to take on the day . If you were expecting part two of Mia , I 'm sorry but I got a little distracted . I will continue my Mia story , she 's a big cat and needed more than one blog . But not today . I know that going on and on about oatmeal will never earn me the distinction of becoming a blog of note , but I just write what I feel . Today , I am feeling the love of oatmeal . It is very cold here in Illinois today . Willie is still sick . Better than yesterday , but still sick . Bazinga still needs to be walked , out in that bitter weather , every few hours . I needed oatmeal today and it came through for me once again . Thank you old friend . You never fail me , you keep me going on these long winter days . Mia is my cat . She is fat , there is no sugar coating it , she is fat . She is about 7 years old . I don 't know her birth date , we got her from the Vermilion County Animal Shelter in 2004 . She was just a kitten then . She was this cute , tiny , calm little kitten . She had a little tiny black spot on her chin that looked like some one accidentally poked her with a marker . The kids wanted to get one of the other kittens that were playing in the cage next to her . I liked the fact that she was small and calm . We got Mia . We went through the process of adopting her . We couldn 't pick her up for a few days . The kids went to pick her up while I was at work . They brought her home with an antibiotic , she had a little respiratory infection . When I got home she snuggled up on my shoulder and slept . I loved my new calm , little kitten . Two days later the antibiotic had kicked in and Mia woke up . My calm little kitten turned into terror cat . She 'd get under the couch and pull herself along the bottom of it with her claws while she was upside down . The kids dubbed this her spider - kitty move . She was climbing the curtains and running all over the house at full speed . The dog we had at the time , Wickett , loved this . He would chase after her and play with her . He just didn 't like the needles at the end of her paws that she kept poking him with . She 'd run up the stairs and Wickett would chase . She 'd run across the front room and Wickett would chase . Once she got a Walmart bag stuck on her foot . That scared the bajebers out of her . She came flying down the stairs screaming a cat scream all the way . Wickett came flying after her . Sierra , our cranky old lady cat that we had then , who hated Mia , came running down the stairs after Wickett . She was screaming as well , but an I 'm going to kill you scream . She was attacking Wickett because she thought he was killing Mia . Wickett was trying to save Mia from the bag that he thought was killing her . Mia was just trying to get away from the scary bag that she knew was killing her . It was all quite comical . Wickett thought Mia was the best toy we had ever gotten him . He absolutely adored her . Then we had to take her to the vet to get her fixed . She was gone over night . Wickett was devastated . He moped around the house the whole time . The next day when we brought Mia home she was , of course , not ready for playtime . Wickett , was concerned . He tried to play with her and we would tell him no . He sniffed at her and worried . Soon he went and laid down , very unhappy . We had taken his best ever toy and BROKE it ! Once she got to feeling better things got back to normal . Wickett loved Mia , Mia was afraid of everything , and Sierra hated the world . Our little trio lived happily together for years . Ok , Sierra would have argued with the word happily . A few years back Wickett passed away , followed soon by Sierra . They had both lived good long lives , Wickett was 12 and Sierra 18 years old when they passed . Mia was much younger . Mia missed her buddies but soon along came Kahlen . Kahlen was SCARY ! Kahlen was the devil . Mia avoided Kahlen for nine months . Which , ironically , was about the same amount of time it took Kahlen to almost weigh as much as Mia . Once Kahlen was sitting up more and screaming less , Mia started getting a little more curious about her , but she was still scary . Everything is scary to Mia . I am a self proclaimed artist and photographer , but will never make any money at it because , lets face it not many people get that chance . But thats ok , because it means my art is all my own , not what someone else wants it to be . Although , I have recently made a little money painting windows , which has been a lot of fun . I love my family more than I would have ever imagined . That is the one constant in my life . I am a wife , mother and grandmother . Even with every change that comes along , no matter how far I am from them , my family is my life . Please know that all of the text and photos are copy right protected . All rights reserved . Not to be duplicated or used in anyway with out express permission of the author of this blog I know It has been forever since I posted . I just haven 't been able to find words to write . It 's not that I haven 't had . . . Stroganoff . What does stroganoff have to do with Tucker the Pig . . . well , I 'm going to tell you . If you are a great foodie who loves his . . . I woke up this morning full of hope for the day . Stacey was coming out to stay with Dad while I went to a doctor appointment . After my app . . . Yesterday , I decided it was time . I 've lived in this house for a year and a half now . The room has been there the whole time . I peake . . . |
Yesterday morning when I left for work the weather was cold , overcast and dry . By the time I got halfway to work it had started to rain a little , which was freezing on the roads as soon as it hit . I made it fine and it warmed up during the day and just rained . This picture was taken a few weeks ago during a quick snow clipper . Today . . . . . it is going to be 70 degrees and partly sunny . 70 degrees in December ! We are going to work on our after Christmas crash diets today . We are going to my mothers to celebrate with my brother and his family who came in from Indiana . We are having ham , mac and cheese , broccoli casserole , mashed potatoes , shrimp , sausage balls and about half a ton of various candies and cookies . I guess you are wondering about the diet part . My brother and his wife have a stomach virus . . . . . a virus that seems to spread like a wild fire . So . . . . I 'm thinking there is no reason to try to eat a little less or lay off of the candy . I like to think of it as kind of stocking up on nourishment so I won 't get too puny after a few days of the virus . HAHA . . . . I could puke for a month and not get puny . Anywho . . . . . I received a new lens for my camera so I hope to be snapping pictures for the next few days while it is sunny outside . I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and now lets start planning for New Years eve . Once again I am going to do a " my favorite ornaments " post . I have so many that I love , but I 'm just going to show you a few . I don 't know what it is I like about this one , its just the little faces peaking out that make me giggle . These little guys spend weeks every Christmas trying to get their boat through my Christmas tree . This is one of my very favorites . My mom bought this for superhubby and me right after we got married , 23 years ago . My mom also bought this one for us , but didn 't notice when the lady spelled our last name wrong , but I don 't mind . My Christmas village at night . I hate that you can 't see my green and red chasing lights around the fence on the left . They show up in the full size picture but when I cut it down they aren 't easy to see . I love those tiny little lights ( - ; In case I don 't get time to stalk visit everyone , I hope you have a safe and Merry Christmas . A few weeks ago I took some portraits of my cousin , his wife and his wife 's family for my cousins in - laws for Christmas . ( following me so far ? ) I ordered their pictures from my favorite online lab and was excited when I received them 48 hours later . I had been worried about a Christmas deadline but this place is on the ball . Today I looked them over again before they came to pick them up and realized I had forgotten to order one set of pictures . The ones I forgot , of course , were the ones of my cousin Joseph ( we call him Joe ) , his wife Mary and their new baby . Keep those names in mind , they will come in handy to keep up with the rest of my story . I immediately ran to the computer to place the order for the extra pictures , hoping to get them before next Wednesday . I noticed there was a phone number at the bottom of the page to call in case it was an emergency and I wrote the number down and got ready to call . . . . . and then I started imagining our conversation . Me : Hello nice operator . I recently placed an order and forgot a couple of pictures . I wanted to make sure I would get them before Christmas . Operator : Which picture did you need . Me : I took some pictures of Joseph , Mary and the new baby . Those are the ones I need . Operator : um . . . . did you say Joseph , Mary and the new baby ? Me : YesOperator : Ok then , are you sure it was Joseph , Mary and the baby ? Me : Of course I 'm sure , I was there . Operator : Were there any wise men there at the time ? Me : Yes ( Mary 's uncle is a Lawyer and he watched ) Operator : How about animals ? Me : Wow , how did you know . The cattle and sheep were so noisy , it woke the baby . ( her uncle lives in a big farm and the animals were so loud that night we were joking about them ) Operator : Let me guess , there was a bright light in the sky ? Me : Well there was this big bright star . . . . . ( which was a Christmas decoration on one of the neighbors houses ) Operator : Alrighty then , are you home alone or is there an orderly or family member with you ? Me : I 'm home alone right now . Operator : How about if you give me your address Scribbled quickly by Since my sons dog died he has left his other german shepherd here with me . The vet warned him that whatever virus killed Gideon would probably be in that yard for 5 to 7 years and could kill Roscoe too . I love Roscoe but he has not figured out that at 9 months old his body isn 't a puppy anymore . His mind is still a puppy but not his body . He wants to be a lap dog like my little koko , but it doesn 't work as well . This is what happens when I sit down . I usually do not let anyone take pictures of me , but this one had to be done . I had just gotten out of the shower and got under the cover to warm up before my favorite show in the world came on . ( GHOST HUNTERS ROCKS ! ) My hair was still wet and I had the phone in my hand trying to talk to my SIL . My sons lease isn 't up until June . . . . it 's gonna be a long , long winter . We went from snow , sleet and cold wind to 55 and sunny . SH decided it was time for the annual burning of the leaves . We have discovered over the years that since we live in the woods there is no reason to bother raking leaves until they are all down . The wind still blows them out of the deeper woods back into our yard , but for a couple of days our yard looks nice . Do you see the house in the background ? I actually have a next door neighbor ! They recently finished their house and it looks nice if some idiot would quit covering it in ashes . The sun was nice for a day but today we are back to rain which is supposed to turn to ice and snow tonight . I hope everyone has a great week . I can 't believe we are only 10 days away from Christmas . Where did the time go ? It is beginning to look a whole lot like Christmas . I like snow , but DD is at a ball game tonight and SH is at work . I hope this quits soon . The tv show I was talking about in my last post was Ghost Hunters . I am completely and totally addicted to the show . The season finale was last Wednesday and I am sad . A few years ago I would have laughed at that show but since spending so much time at the museum I find it very interesting . I 'm working on a post about Rev . John Rankin , a famous abolitionist that died in Ironton in the very house that we now use for the museum . He was an interesting man who helped free over 2000 slaves . It was a dangerous thing for people to do back then and he and his family did a lot of it . Now I have to go figure out how to get DD home , there are two cars turned sideways in front of my house unable to go on up the hill . . . . . could be an interesting evening . I love these two . They are so cute together . Right now they are going back and forth between their house and mine to spend time with their dog . I like having them around and will like it more this week since I only work two days . It has been a busy few weeks . I had a nice birthday with my family , volunteered a lot at the museum and let my house go completely . Now I am going to pay for it in a big way . It will take me days to clean up all the dog hair , cake icing ( DD is taking cake decorating classes ) and dirty dishes . If I can stay awake today I think I may actually get a little chunk of it finished . I may be back later . . . . . or I may not . Tonight is my FAVORITE night on tv and there are 3 episodes of my favorite show on tonight . I won 't even tell you what it is ( if any of you are left out there ) because you would laugh . Goodbye until next time . So what do you get when you take my house , with it 's dog , cat and way too much stuff in it and add DS , his girlfriend and their dog . . . . . ? A complete and total mess . DS doesn 't travel light , he always brings his laundry , his xbox , his guitar and various other goodies . The dog came with a cage big enough to park a 4wheeler in . It 's messy , chaotic and I wouldn 't have it any other way . I got my annual notice for my meeting with the powers that be for work . I always have my meeting in January or early February but this year they decided to shake it up a bit and do it in December . That means I have to do organize a years worth of paperwork , do the rest of my continuing education online and various other stuff before Wednesday . If I don 't finish I won 't have a job and the way my life is moving right now , it could go either way . Tomorrow I volunteer for the museum , take my cousins family portraits for Christmas and dinner with SH . I 'm pretty sure I will be able to do organize a couple of months worth between all of that . SH is now sick and I have a feeling he is passing it back to me . I need to get a flu shot but I can 't get over a cold long enough to go get it . It is supposed to snow / rain tonight and I would love to just crawl under the covers , watch tv and sleep . Now I must go , DS 's pony dog is looking at me with an odd look and I 'm figuring that may mean he wants to go out . Both dogs have been running around outside and have discovered a colony of flea 's that must have decided to tough out the cold weather until a host could show up so tonight both dogs get a dip in the tub and some new frontline . Have a great Sunday ~ My poor DS called this morning to tell me his dog Gideon had passed away . He was so upset he couldn 't get the words out . He had taken him to the vet hospital yesterday morning because he was so sick and they called him this morning to inform him Giddy didn 't make it . He is completely devastated . He is on his way out here to have his daddy help him build a casket of some sort and to bury his buddy . It 's going to be a long day , my son is very soft hearted and loves his animals . Gideon is the one between DS 's feet . I place part of the blame on the vet . DS had taken the dogs twice to get shots and both times the vet put him off saying they needed other things worse . Once it was flea and worm medicine and the next time it was allergy medicine . He told DS that he didn 't want to give them shots until the allergies and other stuff was better . Gideon tested negative for all dog diseases yesterday but the vet said it had to be parvo because of the symptoms . He tested him over and over and it was always negative . I guess we will never know because DS wouldn 't let them do an autopsy . He will blame himself because he could have gotten the shots later but put it off . . . . . I hear his car . . . . time to go . I 'm still here , with absolutely no voice . I have been able to sleep a bit the last 24 hours , I just wake up coughing every little bit . Last night Superhubby came home from his little old ladies house and said " Honey , Little old lady has been sick too and she said that the antibiotics the doctor gave her didn 't work until she took some metamucil . " You have to remember that I can 't talk . . . . at all . I sat and looked at SH and finally wrote " are you sure thats what she took ? " ( I 've been carrying around a notebook so no one misses any of my wisdom . ) After a few minutes I came up with mucinex . . . which I 'm pretty sure would have helped her congestion a lot more than metamucil . . . . . and I won 't be sending SH to pick up any cold medicine for me . The creeping crud has caught up with me . I went to the doctor today and she said bronchitis and laryngitis . I think all that means is that I can 't talk . . . . not even a squeak . I think SH is getting tired of me snapping my fingers when I need him to read my lips . What this really means is I won 't be working at least a couple of days this week . The doctor said stay in bed but she doesn 't have the kind of job I have . . . . no vacation days . . . . no sick days , no work = no pay . The good new is that even though I cough all the time and can 't sleep because of the cough I don 't feel horrible . I don 't feel good by any stretch of the imagination , but what I feel is just a slight misery that can be helped with a few tylenol or ibuprofen . I 'm off now to throw on some comfy clothes and crawl beneath a blanket and watch it snow out the window . It isn 't sticking but it is still pretty coming down . The weather was overcast and that really made it difficult to take pictures of farms . I still tried a few just because I love to take pictures , but none of them are very good . I just love the size of their houses and the fact that they are always so neat and tidy . Most farms have at least 2 houses . The grandparents give the big house to the children when they start having children and build themselves a " dawdy " house near the bigger house . Gas was much cheaper there than it is here . When we left we drove about 3 hours west before starting home ( south ) and actually bought gas for 1 . 74 . Here it is still 2 . 25 . I figure this amish guy was parking his buggy here to laugh at all us having to fill up . One thing I noticed was the large amount of toilet paper strung from the trees , signs and buildings in one town . I 'm not sure whether English boys did it or some Amish teens in their Rumspringer were out playing some tricks . I also noticed that a couple of Amish women who were running shops were on the phone all morning . They don 't have phones at home but as soon as they get to work they talk and talk . Most talk in their native German mix so you can 't understand but they throw some English in too . Saturday there was one room open in our hotel . I later heard the office clerk tell someone a couple of Amish boys had come and rented it so they could watch the Ohio State game . I guess even during Rumspringer they have good taste . Now I am off to take some Ibuprofen and get under some blankets to try to hide from this creeping crud I feel trying to overtake my body . Have a great week ! Our trip to Amish country was nice . I had a great time and spent way too much money buying way too much stuff for my house . . . . and my tummy . I came home with brick cheese , cheddar cheese , swiss cheese , cheese spread , cheese ball , peanut butter spread ( YUM ) , cinnamon butter and a huge zit beside my lip . It doesn 't really show up in the picture like I thought it would and yes I know my hair is frizzy . . . . it is my day off from work and I am not messing with it , or makeup . I love to drive around and take pictures . These fodder shocks are everywhere in the fields . They don 't use them as we do , for decoration , they use them for food for the animals and since they have to cut theirs and tie by hand it takes days . The first day we were there it was overcast and rainy all day . We were driving by this farm around sunset and the sun peaked through the clouds with an orange glow . This is straight out of the camera other than cutting it down so my dial up doesn 't die trying to upload it . I don 't take pictures of Amish people because they don 't like to have their pictures taken . I do , however , take pictures of their farms if they aren 't around . These trees outside our hotel were gorgeous . We tried to find out what kind they were but no one seemed to know . A trip to Amish country isn 't really a trip until you eat here . It is an entire restaurant serving what I like to call comfort food . . . . . . all white food covered in gravy . I got the salad bar . I really did and I ate a salad right before my turkey on homemade 2 inch thick white bread with mashed potatoes between the halves of the sandwich , all covered in gravy arrived at our table . When we got finished we waddled back to the hotel and I paced the parking lot for a couple of hours until I was able to lay down without throwing up . The next night the other people who went with us all went back but SH , DD and I decided one night being miserable was enough . The next trip I am getting the large mashed potato dinner that is covered with chicken noodles . I 'm already planning ( - ; The weather is gorgeous ! The sky is blue , the trees are showing off for me and the temperature is a lovely 72 . I love this time of year . These trees currently brighten the world outside my bedroom window . These trees are right off of the end of my front porch . SH and my dad spent the day dragging dead trees out of the woods to warm us for the winter . SH is on vacation this week , but we can 't let the old ladies find out . In a few days we leave for Amish country , to eat , shop , shop and then eat some more . Did I mention eat ? Thursday SH has an appointment to get my car inspected . Remember the car ? The one he has been rebuilding for ever and ever quite awhile ? It is finally almost finished and I may even get to drive it a week or two before he gets transfered to Charleston and has to drive it because of the gas mileage . When and if he gets transfered that will add an additional 80 miles a day to his commute , on top of the 5o he drives now . You can 't do that in a Ford explorer . . . . especially his that has 185 , 000 miles on it and gets about 15 miles to the gallon . I hope everyone got out to vote today and I wish for you the same weather we are having . This weekend when we are going to be walking around small amish towns the weather is supposed to be high in the 40 's and rain . . . . I guess you can 't have it all . I 'm in a better mood than I was last post ; - ) Next week SH is on vacation and then in 9 days we leave for Amish country . 3 days of no phones and no little old women . I have figured out that deer will take big risks for a few acorns . When I got home from work a few minutes ago and looked out my family room window this is what I saw . Yes that is an extension cord running across my window because SH was working on hooking up the tv and needed a light . Your eyes aren 't crooked either , I was trying to be sneaky and somehow I had the camera crooked . We have bunches of oak trees and tons of acorns . This gal was no more than 7 or 8 feet from the window and I had my camera against it here . It doesn 't matter to her as long as I don 't bother her acorns . My tv ( and subwoofer ) is right beside this window but she doesn 't seem to care as long as there are ACORNS . Right now they are both standing right outside the window with their white tailed butts almost up to the window . I 'm thinking these two will probably end up on someones table soon . They are too caught up in what they are eating ( kind of like me with chocolate ) to worry about the fact I could take them both out without much trouble . I probably wouldn 't even need to drag out a gun , I could just do it with a ball bat , or sling shot . . . . . . thank goodness I don 't like deer meat . Scribbled quickly by It 's Saturday which would normally be my favorite day of the week . Today has tested my patience ALL FREAKIN DAY LONG ! You probably don 't want to read the rest of this because it is just a place for me to get everything out of my system and then forget about it . It keeps me from getting too grumpy with SH , who doesn 't deserve my wrath . So feel free to go away and come back in a few days when I have a happy post up . There are also some four letter words going to be on here , I 'm pretty sure . This weekend started for SH 's little old ladies yesterday . That 's when they started calling , trying to get him for the weekend . It started with T , who had a lawnmower that wouldn 't start . While he was there ( he had to work day shift today so he stopped there after work ) , N called and wanted him to finish wiring his kitchen ( which he really does need to finish ) tonight . By the time he got home from T 's it was too late to finish N 's wiring so he asked if he would do it tomorrow . . . . . . ok , but he has to finish S 's garage and washing the windows of her house tomorrow because it is going to be warmer for only one day . Today R called also and wants her daughters door put in TOMORROW and then a little bit ago E called and said one of her renters has no heat and needs it fixed tomorrow . SO CALL A DA % # FURNACE REPAIRMAN ! Instead of saying that I said " he isn 't here right now so I will tell him when I see him and see if he can fit it in " . . . . . he was here , in the garage but I lied . I feel sorry for SH because he wants to make me happy by spending more time at home , but they make him feel so guilty that he can 't tell them no . I 'll get over this and be in a better mood tomorrow . . . . . but for tonight I am pissed and need to go , uhmm , eat chocolate . Yep that will make it better . I love this award . It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and I need something warm , baby it 's cold outside . Kim , over at lifeafter gave me this award along with a meme that will follow in a minute . Right now I just want to say that when I started this blog I never realized it would introduce me to so many new " buddies . " I don 't have a large readership , which is ok with me because I enjoy my little bloggy world , but the ones I read I really look forward to reading every day . Now on to the meme . . . . 1 . Do you have the same friends from childhood ? I have a couple of friends from childhood that I still talk to once in a while . It seems that most of us have families that keep us too busy to keep in touch . I have found that in the last few years I have become a little bit of a recluse . I guess that 's probably not the right word because I don 't stay home all the time , I just don 't hang out with people other than my family much anymore . I had a great friend in school named Laura . She was one of my best friends from grade school on . We had planned all through our senior year a party after graduation . She and I were going out on the town after graduation and having the best night of our lives . A few weeks before graduation we realized that I was leaving for the beach right after the ceremony and her parents and boyfriend wanted to take her out to eat , so we put off our night out until the next weekend when I got home . As I was leaving graduation I gave her a big hug and said " I 'll see you next weekend " and that was the last time I ever saw her . No tragedy , no arguments , we just got busy and never found the time to call each other . It 's odd to me even today that I have no idea where she is or what she is doing . 2 . What do you value most about your friends ? The thing I value most about friends would be the fact that I have a few friends that , even though I very seldom talk to them anymore , I know I could call tonight if I had a problem and they would listen and help if they could . I am pretty sure they know the same about mekaty It is a beautiful , but chilly day here in Southern Ohio . The sky is blue , the sun is bright and it is 57 degrees . I love this weather . My son works for a well known satellite television company . I won 't name names but they bring their services DIRECTLY to your house . Since my tv was getting old and turning it on meant walking up to it every few minutes for the first half hour and smacking it to get the picture to come on , we decided to buy a new tv . We bought a nice , not too big , flat screen tv and today the company my son works for brought all new HD equipment out for all 3 of our tvs and installed it . We now get ALL the channels and movie channels COMPLETELY FREE . I 'm not sure about the channels I would rather not have , like playboy and other channels with that particular theme , but I 'm sure if they are on , SH will find those tonight . The weird part is that my old receiver , that we bought 11 years ago , worked great . When you pushed the power button it was on and working in about 10 seconds . This one has been updating and restarting for the last 30 minutes . I will either love it , or take a sledgehammer to it when I finally get one in here to smash my computer with . . . . . . stay tuned . It is busy here today . Superhubby and I both have the day off . This is the last day it is going to get above 60 degrees so today is the day SH is going to paint my car . Remember the car I bought over a freakin year ago a while back that my dear husband hasn 't had time to work on ? It is now ready for paint , windshield , airbags , and an inspection and then it will be drivable . The bad part . . . . . SH is probably going to get transferred to a different place ( same job , same company , just different shop ) and he is going to DRIVE MY NEW CAR . Yes , after waiting for quite a while for my car it is about to be confiscated right out from under my nose . The difference is that while I drive about 30 minutes to work and 30 home every day , his new job will take him an hour and a half to drive each way . . . . every day . The job isn 't set in concrete yet , but chances are good it will happen in the next few weeks . I 'm trying to catch up on laundry and clean the house a bit in between running outside and helping him on the car . I 'm not getting much done in the house . My dog always goes outside with me , she can 't stand to be left in the house alone . Twice so far so runs back in when I come in and runs to the carpet so she can projectile vomit . I 'm sure she wants to do it on the carpet for a reason but if she would just stop 3 FEET earlier and puke on the tile floor , my life would be a little easier . I did trick her once and when she wanted in the house I opened the door and then shut it before she got in . . . . . . she puked in the garage floor . Before I run to get the 4 loads of laundry off of the clothes line I wanted to leave you with a picture of my DS and his sweetheart . Those two dogs are the same that were in these pictures . . . . . just a bit bigger . Scribbled quickly by I don 't talk about work much on here . I have one of those jobs where talking about your job isn 't a good idea . I go to peoples houses and help them get through their day , whether it be cleaning them up , cleaning their house up or taking them to doctor appointments . In most cases it is just that , a job . Jophie is different . Joseph , or Jophie as we call him , is a sweetheart . His health problems weren 't caused by a life of drugs or drinking . Joseph is 15 and was born with some major problems . I have known Joseph since he was a baby and had the privilege of talking care of him for 10 years until recently when his health problems escalated to the point where his health care called for more skilled care than I was trained to give . During the last few years Joseph 's health problems have gotten worse . He can no longer sit up in his wheelchair to ride in a vehicle so we have been forced to lay him down in a seat and strap him in . Medicaid has also made cuts to his supplies so that leaves his mother scrambling to give him some medical supplies that he needs . Once a year we have a fundraiser to try to help with the expenses and this year we are changing it a bit . This year our goal is to work toward a new ( used ) vehicle so Joseph can safely be transported to and from doctors appointments . Click the meals for wheels button on the right and check out the new fundraiser . If you , or anyone you know would like to lose a little weight or if you just like cookbooks give it a try . Yesterday I volunteered at the museum again . Do you remember the museum , the one where I am sure some long dead person or people are out to scare the heck out of me volunteer with my Dearest Daughter ? I hate , and I mean HATE to go in that place alone . I love the old house and the stories , as long as someone else is there . So I show up a few minutes early and go ahead and unlock the doors and put my purse inside and then I went outside and stand on the porch to wait on the other volunteer who never showed up . While I was waiting a very sweet old man stopped his car in the street and said " I 'm glad you are open , I want to buy a book I looked at the other day . I will be back after my doctors appointment . " My plan to lock up and go home was shot . When I figured out that the other guy wasn 't going to show I went in the office and picked up the phone and volunteer list and went back outside to call and see if anyone would come and work with me . I sat down and turned the phone on and . . . . . . NOTHING . The phones were dead . I went back inside and checked the other phone . . . . . NOTHING . I used my cell phone and found a sweet lady who offered to come in , and she made it there in 30 minutes . We had an interesting day with quite a few people in and a few I grew to love . There were 3 ladies that came in , 2 in their 80 's and one of the ladies daughter in law who was in her 50 's . They were from California and had come back here because they were raised here . They hadn 't been back in 23 years . We started a nice conversation and it took about 5 minutes for us to figure out the big farm they were raised on was the farm my grandparents bought from them in the early 50 's . The two older ladies , who were children of the previous owners didn 't want a tour of the museum , they spent an hour and a half asking me about the farm and their old neighbors . They wanted to know about the old orchard , the hay fields , old George the neighbor who lived up the road . We had a great time and we all learned a lot . It is definitely a small world . For the last Scribbled quickly by In January of this year I bought a new computer . . . . . from HP . I bought a factory refurbished model straight from HP and had it shipped . I 've never had a problem with it until today . I restarted it because it was locked up and . . . nothing . I get the HP screen and a couple of choices for recovery and nothing else . I have ran all of the recovery options other than the restore , which I am starting now . I called HP and was told that since it was more than 3 months old they would be happy to talk to me for the low fee of 49 . 00 for 14 days service . I very nicely told her I would call her back if I couldn 't figure something out myself . I 'm about 95 % sure this is the same lady , in the same distant land , that I have to call if I need to ask questions about my cell phone . I understood about every 3rd word she said . My son is on the phone with me trying to help me figure it out . He bought the same computer I did but bought an extended warranty . I didn 't know I could buy one . I should have asked , but didn 't think about it . Every computer I have ever bought has a one year phone technical support service included . I 'm about out of ideas . I don 't know if I will get it working but I have a backup computer . . . . . . . . and a backup plan . If this restore doesn 't work , I am going to call HP back and tell them I have a cow here and I will not hesitate to slaughter it if they don 't talk to me . I 'm pretty sure whatever country they are in worships their cattle instead of eat them . I hit publish and then noticed I was getting an email . It was from HP telling me that as a valued customer I might like to shop their anniversary sale . . . . . um NO . I was outside a few minutes ago trying to get some exercise . . . . . it is quiet out there . I took my daughters mp3 player out and listened to her selection of music while I walked up and down the driveway . When I took the mp3 player out of my ear I heard a helicopter . . . . now out here when you hear a helicopter it means one of two things . . . . . someones pot plants have been spotted or bubba decided to try to ride the 4wheeler down the hill again , without a helmet . Before anyone gets all grumpy I can say bubba because I actually know people named Bubby . . . . no really , that is the name on the birth certificate . I 'm not sure why but people around here think its cute to ride 4wheelers around with NO HELMET . I 'm not sure why this seems like a good idea , but I guess after a couple of six - packs a lot of things sound like a good idea . I seem to remember doing some stupid things hearing my friends talking about doing some stupid things after a few too many . If I am going to be really honest I will admit that I own a 4 - wheeler and no helmet . My only defense is that we don 't ride ours anywhere but around the yard to pull logs or some other such junk around the yard . The few occasions we do go up on the hill we drive very slow and are very careful . Back to my original thoughts , whatever they were . Umm , oh yeah the helicopter . We don 't get a lot of low flying air traffic around here . We see planes but they are up high , very high . I think the fact that we have hills all around us keeps airplanes from flying very low and the ones that do aren 't visible to very many people because the hills block the view . I had decided a few weeks ago to try to photograph the moon again . I tried a couple of months ago and wasn 't happy with the results . When I tried it last time the moon wasn 't visible here until after midnight . It was behind a hill until then and after that was visible for a couple of hours . I went out at midnight the other night and no moon . I watched for the next few nights and realized that now the moon is visible in a completely differScribbled quickly by Once upon a time many weeks a long long time ago I took everything off of my family room walls to paint . I finished the painting in a few days but never put stuff back on the walls . I finally decided tonight to get started putting things back . I bought this sign ( that reads ' all because two people fell in love ' ) last year while I was in Amish country . I had been wanting to hang it up with some pictures of the kids but didn 't know where to put it . SH had built this shelf years ago for my ds to put his trophies and stuff on . Since I hadn 't dusted done anything to this shelf for a couple of years I decided to take it down from my sons room and bring it into the family room . My next project is to get my son and his girlfriend to let me take some pictures so I can add more of them to the shelf . I watched the VP debate this evening and I don 't think I learned much other than the fact that both candidates are puppets and were coached well before this debate . I hope things get a little clearer to be before November . Have a great Friday ! Tonight was the annual ghost walk at an area cemetery . This cemetery is very interesting and so pretty . During the ghost walk actors stand by the graves of people who contributed to this area in some way and they tell their stories . This year DD was the wife of Charles Kingsbury , who was the first superintendent of the biggest school in the area . She looks pretty good for a woman who had 7 children and has been dead since 1881 . I love looking around this cemetery and there are so many pretty places . This area is all Civil War veteran graves . During the ghost walk they have a woman with an amazing voice that stands in the back of this area singing Negro spirituals . This is the actual horse drawn hearse that a funeral home ( a local funeral home passed down through generations ) used back before there were gas powered vehicles . A few years ago they brought it out of storage and had it refurbished . Tomorrow DD and I work the museum . I look forward to spending the afternoon there , as long as our resident ghost stays away . . . . . . wish me luck ! So DD and I cleaned the camper and put a for sale sign up . I called our local newspaper and put an add in the paper for 14 days . If you don 't sell your item in 14 days they run a new ad for you free for 14 more . My husband and my dad were both warning me that I would have a tough time selling a camper this late in the year . I was determined to try it anyway . The ad came out in Tuesday 's afternoon paper . It was sold by late Tuesday afternoon . It sold to a very nice retired couple who used to camp and are ready now to camp again . Now if I could just get SH to pull the pontoon out of the weeds . . . . . I think I have an addiction now to selling things . Must be my own form of gambling addiction . The pay off better in this case . So today after work / doctor appointment / bank stuff and possible football game I must get the rest of my stuff out of the camper . . . . and say good bye . It will be hard , but I 'll just clutch that check in my hand while I do it . In other news , the State of Ohio discontinued aide services to one of my clients . That just means that the level of care he requires must be given by all skilled nurses . I 'm not a skilled nurse so I will be unable to take care of my little boy . I am not surprised by this move and since his mother is a good friend of mine I still can see him whenever I want and I talk to his mom on the phone almost daily . Losing that job put me down to working 10 hours a week . I love the idea of working 10 hours a week , but my bank account seems to not be as happy with that as I am . I did pick up another client last night that I will start caring for next week . I was working 4 days a week at either 4 or 5 hours a day . . . . now I will be working 3 LONG days a week at 9 hours 2 days and 8 hours one day . I know some people are thinking " you wimp that is not even near a full work week . " I know that but it is plenty for me . I ALWAYS wanted to be a stay at home mom . My DH was fine with me being a stay at home mom . I guess what I never thought about was the fact that at some point I wouldn 't need to be a staScribbled quickly by Superhubby loves his toys . The only problem with that is the fact that once a toy belongs to SH , it always belongs to SH . He hates to get rid of ANYTHING . . . . one day I am going to do an entire post on his piles of crap treasures . Right now I am just going to touch on some of the bigger objects . This is our pontoon boat . It was great when the kids were small . It has 3 full size couches , a top that lets you get out of the sun and rails all the way around so you don 't have to worry about anyone taking an unexpected swim . SH added the fishing seats on the front and I could drive while he and our DS fished . All of that happened years ago . For the last 5 or 6 years it has sat behind one of his buildings in the weeds . . . . . rotting . . . . . . . . ruining . . . . . and gathering snakes . The last time we pulled it out SH and DS had to fight with 2 snakes that had wrapped their long bodies around things under the boat and refused to come out . It has a nice big Evenrude ( or however you spell that ) motor on the back that worked last time we took it out . I loved that boat when we used it , but now . . . . the love affair is over . I couldn 't get a good picture of this so you will have to use your imagination . When SH found this he spent days begging , pleading and generally driving me nuts . His promise " if you let me buy this I PROMISE to sell the pontoon . " He lied . Now this one takes up half of our garage and is great to pile things on . It will probably get used again one day because he always wanted a bass tracker . He just doesn 't have time to use one . We bought this about 9 years ago . I love my camper and love to go camping . . . but we don 't . Ever ! When the children were younger we packed up 3 or 4 long weekends every summer plus spent at least one week of vacation camping . The kids aren 't young anymore , gas is too expensive and campground prices are getting close to hotel prices . When I mentioned getting rid of the camper SH 's first response was " what if we want to go camping . " He finally admitted it wasn 't worth holding on to this big camper if we wereScribbled quickly by In my home we have a magic box . . . . . It looks a little like this one . What ? You say it looks like a microwave . Call it what you like but in my house it holds some magical powers . When you hear those 5 beeps that means whatever is in the box is ready , my dog , who will only leave my side get excited to eat or go out to pee can be found standing on her back legs dancing like a ballerina . She knows that sometimes pepperoni is on whatever is being reheated . When you open the door the tiny kitten that lives with us will come out from wherever she is sleeping and meow . . . . over and over because her food gets warmed in the magic box . She can pop those little claws out and climb completely up your legs and end up on your shoulder in 5 seconds if the magic box is running . . . . . which is great as long as you aren 't wearing shorts . I quit wearing shorts around the house as much since she moved in . . . . . I was running out of bandaids . Superhubby loves to hear the magic box make that pop , pop sound that means the magic box is about ready to spit out some popcorn . That sound also makes the dog happy . She and superhubby love to share some popcorn . If you get a few minutes go over and wish these people a little luck . Once again a member of their family is going to have to fight cancer . . . . . they have had WAY more than their share . This week has been homecoming week at my daughters school . This is usually the kids favorite week of the year , other than spring break and the last week of school . Every day during homecoming week has a different theme and you dress accordingly . The picture below was from field day and you dressed in school colors . The girls really didn 't have fake sports balls in their shirts but they did have their school name on them so I covered them up . The school is set in a valley surrounded by very little other than hay fields and animal grazing land . There are a few houses , but they are few and far between . I have quite a few relatives that teach at these schools ( the grade school / jr . high is on the other side of the high school . ) When I say animal grazing land I mean it . . . . one aunt had to answer questions from her 3rd graders as a cow gave birth outside their classroom window . The grade school is fairly new and has tinted windows , but no blinds . Today was nerd / slave day . The girls dressed as nerds today and C , was their slave . On slave day they auction willing students and they must do whatever the buyer ( s ) tell them to all day . Poor C had to dress in a banana costume and sing " I am a Chiquita banana and I 'm here to say , I am the best banana in the school today " every single time anyone said his name . ALL DAY ! The kids always have a good time and the money they raise goes to the student government 's Christmas / clothing drive for students who need it . Tonight is the homecoming game and tomorrow is the DANCE . I was going to go watch the homecoming queen get crowned because I know it will be someone I know . . . . at this school you know everyone . It has to be a senior girl and in a senior class of around 50 students there aren 't too many choices . . . . . Have a good weekend . I am going to be watching Ike tonight and praying for all of those in his path . It is September 11th . Every year there is a September 11th . Every year on September 11th the world stops and remembers that one day 7 years ago . . . . the day that changed our history . The day so many people lost their lives , the day so many people lost their loved ones , the day the United States lost its innocence . I will be the first to admit that as an American I felt kind of invincible before that day . We were the biggest , baddest , safest nation in the world . We had people . People to make sure the bullies didn 't come in and take our lunch money . People to go after the bullies before we had to deal with them . I was wrong . We have people , but those people are human . They work their asses off to keep us safe , but they aren 't miracle workers . No matter how hard they try , how well they do their job , they can 't fix everything . I didn 't know anyone who lost their lives that day . My sister knew one lady who brought her kids to day care at the same place my niece went . She brought her kids to daycare that day and never came back . Her husband was there picking up the kids when my sister went to get my niece . He was sitting outside , not able to go in . He said he knew the kids would want to know where mommy was and he would have to say " I don 't know . " He didn 't know . He knew she had been in a building but he wouldn 't learn until later that she never made it back out . I still think often of the policeman , firemen , paramedics and other rescue workers who ran toward the buildings . They wanted to help . Their training said " run toward the fire and help people . " They did what they were trained to do . May God bless them all . Of a high school senior . . . Every single day my DD is peppered with questions about her future . What are you going to do , where are you going to school ? major ? minor ? are you going away ? staying near ? health field ? education ? accounting ? She hates the questions and really has no idea , though she is working hard on figuring it out now . Today 's mail brought 3 things and every one of them was for her ( NO BILLS . ) The first was from Ohio State . . . . Go Bucks ! This college is about 3 hours from our home and would probably be great . She has a lot of friends there already but O . S . hasn 't offered her much other than some scholarships . Ohio State never has problems getting students so they don 't tell you too much about financial aid unless you ask . This is a small college about 45 minutes from home . They have a nice campus and would be in driving distance . They have already offered DD a Presidential scholarship . . . which means NO TUITION , which is near and dear to my heart . This was the third one in the mail today . This is many , many miles from our home , probably 6 to 8 hours but I am too lazy to wait on mapquest to load to find out . They have sent financial aid information and with her grades and our income level we would not be asked to pay anything for her education here . While that seems great the whole 6 to 8 hour thing is hard , though if she wanted to go . . . . . I would let her and smile until she was on her way . . . then I would cry for 3 months . We have a small college about 20 minutes from our home that a lot of local students use for the first year or two . You can get quite a few degrees there too and her tuition would probably be covered in full . We also have the now famous " we are Marshall " about 40 minutes from here . I love the campus but it isn 't in the best part of Huntington and I would worry . The good thing would be that her father works about 3 blocks from campus . I will admit that a big part of her college requirements are going to be financial aid . My son was an honor student but his grades averaged a b + and he got a 24 on Scribbled quickly by It 's been a week since I posted here . Not because I have been super busy , but because I have no idea what I want to say . Here goes nothing . The weather in Ohio has been extremely warm for this time of year . The high temps for the day have been ranging in the upper 80 's and 90 's . My plan to close the pool over the weekend got pushed back and I floated around in the pool today . My work week is going to be very short . One of my patients is in the hospital which I means I can 't work which means . . . . no paycheck . I can live with that for a few weeks . DD 's senior year is well underway and she seems to be settling in well . She is missing her B / F who had to go back to college last weekend , but he will be back in a few days for homecoming . . . can 't go to a dance without your boyfriend . I 'm sure I will come up with a few pictures to show you all soon . It seems that directv has given us free movie channels for a bit so even though it is almost midnight my SH is wide awake and ready to stay that way . He hates movies unless they are like this one which , from what I can tell , is a bunch of prostitutes from another planet who came to earth to catch men and FORCE them into sex slavery . Since when do you have to force men . . . . . . I think I may have mentioned before that we have way too many vehicles . We have four drivers in our family . . . and 6 vehicles . My car insurance bill is almost equal to my house payment . When our son moved out we kept him on our car insurance because he would have had to pay an astronomical amount to get insurance himself , and his car is in our name . The vehicles we have right now are 1 . Ford windstar 2 . Ford explorer 3 . Ford F150 4 and 5 . 2 - Ford zx2 's ( do you see any pattern here ? ) and 6 a Ford Taurus , which was wrecked and was supposed to be fixed so I could drive it . . . . in this lifetime . I have been waiting for my husband to tell his little old ladies to buzz off for awhile find a little time to fix the Taurus up for me . He has tried lately to get it finished and we did buy most of the parts and he put a few on . I really want him to finish it so I can get rid of this Windstar I drive to work every . . . single . . . . day . To say that this mini van is a lemon would be an understatement . We bought it when the nearest salvage yard fixed it up for one of the employees and he decided he didn 't want it . When we bought it about 5 years ago we had 2 young teenagers who each took friends everywhere we went . We had , on occasion , put my husband in the back hatch of the Explorer when we all went somewhere because of the lack of room and the fact we wanted all kids to have a seatbelt . Now I 'm trying to write an ad that would sell my very few miles to the gallon mini van . . . . if you can think of any way to make it better please let me know . For sale . . . 2000 Ford Windstar . Salvage title . Used to have a small transmission leak , now it just runs straight out a couple of hours after you fill it up ( because my husband said " don 't worry , it can pull a boat ) . Great dual air conditioners that work for about 2 weeks after you charge it . . . . then you must charge it again . Dual am / fm / cd / cassette system that works fine . . . . it just flips itself to CD when your favorite song is on the radio , but flips itself back in time for the end of the song . . . . . sometScribbled quickly by Get the dirty thoughts out of your head , I won an award , which is almost as good as the other thing you are thinking of , Ok maybe not but close . Choose 5 bloggers that you feel are " Kick Ass Bloggers " Let ' em know in your post or via email , twitter or blog comments that they 've received an awardShare the love and link back to both the person who awarded you and back to www . mammadawg . comHop on back to the kick ass blogger award HQ to sign Mr . Linky then pass it on ! Thank you so much Monkling for the award . When I tried to figure out who to give the award to I decided to just pick the first 5 people that come to mind every single day . There are about 5 blogs that I HAVE to check every day to see what is going on . I 'm sure some of them already have the award but I don 't care . 1 . Hallie She makes me laugh . . . . or gag , every day . 2 . Kim She is such a caring person who can make anyone feel better . She already won this award but by golly she is getting it again . 3 . Monkling Has such a great sense of humor , and like myself is starting down that road we call " empty nest . " 4 . Kellen Has a house full of kids and a great sense of humor . 5 . Kimmy Has a great sense of humor AND a great friendship with Hallie . Now that her kids are in school I 'm sure we will hear more from Kimmy . Plus anyone with the word blender in her name should get an award . Now I am off to tell each of these people about their awards . . . . . . . have a great weekend . So the black kitty is now gone , living with my son and his girlfriend . I thought I was cat free until I went to work the next morning and someone said " do you want a kitten ? " I said a quick no and then learned later that the neighbors had found it in the road and rescued it but couldn 't afford to feed it . If no one took it they were going to " dispose " of it . So I brought it home . This particular kitten is way too young to be away from its mother . I noticed it hadn 't used the bathroom at all and the people that had it said it hadn 't for the 24 hours they had it . I have been here before with puppies so this morning I took a few damp cottonballs and BINGO huge pile of little kitty poo . You can tell by looking that it isnt much bigger than the tennis ball . It likes to be carried around against me or DD . If it is asleep we can lay it down but if its awake it cries until it is around us . Just about like a real baby . . . . a spoiled real baby . |
Today I would like to talk about my acadianroots club and its members . I started this group not knowing if it would work or not , but I wanted a place that would focus on acadian genealogy . Now I am part acadian , part english , there is some irish in me , and maybe even native american , but there are lots of groups for english , irish , etc , not much for acadian genealogy , oh there is some places but I wanted a place where folks would come and seek help and be willing to help also , and I now have it , my members are super , you wouldn 't believe how we are all one big family , connected one way or another , the help they dish out is unbelievable , now I am not doing this to drum up business , I cannot voice this just anywhere , just yesterday a newcomer came in seeking help on Gallant 's , he or she has found the answer already thanks to some of our members , I am very proud of all of them . And I created a website that connects to my group at http : / / www . geocities . com / ize _ o _ blue / index . html now on a humourous note , I have started a blog on my gardening , and am trying to add humor to it , you can check it out athttp : / / gardeningwoes . blogspot . com have a great day . Treasures or Thrash , well today I found treasures at the yard sales . you never know what you will find , today I went to a community yard sale . The village set up today as such , and had a list of the ones who participated , the list was free , I picked it up at a garage and this morning I was up bright and early , and on the road before eight am . I picked up a faceless doll that stands in the corner for one dollar , wow expensive huh ? then I picked up a wresting belt for my grandson , fifty cents , then I picked up some books 4 for one dollar , a painting for one dollar , a lobster shaped wine bottle holder ( liked the lobster ) , and then I found my treasure , I am into acadian genealogy , been at it since 1976 and lo and behold I saw two acadian related books , just like new , one dollar each , of course I did ' nt walk by and leave it for others , grabbed it as fast as I could . You never know what you will find . I have a few items I am searching for , so before yard sale season is over , I will find them . But looking for genealogy books is my first priority . Have a nice day . Just looking through my photo albums , sure brings back good memories , seeing my late husband , my son when he was little , my grandchildren as they were growing , I know maybe some of you do not believe in photos , but I do , it has been handed down from my grandmother , she used to take pictures with an old box camera , she took pictures of her kids from the time they were little , I have a photo of mom taken in 1921 she was only three , I have her at 18mts of age , then my mother inherited photo taking she has photos of us kids since we were babies . I am doing the same , took pictures all my married life , and guess what ? My grandaughter loves taking pictures . The reason I was looking though my album is because my grandson would like me to make him a little book about his dog Fluffy , now Fluffy is 12 years old and she was sick a few weeks ago , and we thought we would have to have her put down but we tried everything and she got better , so I am going to make my grandson a little story of Fluffy , I found some photos of her when she was just a pup . And I am going to tell the story as if I am Fluffy . Something that he will treasure I am sure . have a great day . What a nice feeling when you stumble upon something important , especially in genealogy . Today I went for a drive to Saint Paul kent Co . NB . A spurt of the moment thing , I turned into the Saint Paul Church Cemetery , and I noticed a lot of old tombstones at the top of the hill , but I continued to the bottom of the hill , there were two areas with stones , the right side which were newer stones and the left side which had earlier stones . I saw a familiar name , so I got out of the car and walked around . Lo and Behold , there was the stone of my grandmother 's sister . And buried all near her were her sons , and one daughter . All in the same general area . Now I am so pleased that I want to go there one day and transcribed all the names off all the stones , it will be a long process but I enjoy it . I keep thinking but doing so , I will stumble upon some information that I do not have . So far I have four transcribed cemeteries in my possession , and three of those I did myself . If you get bored one day and need something different to do , go to your nearest cemetery with a book and pen , or a camera and take or copy all the names and dates on the stones , then if you are not interested , donate the info to your local genealogy society , you may not know it , but you will be making a lot of people very happy along the way . I do mine because I do know someone will profit with my information . Have a nice day . Well today I would like to talk about my grandchildren , I have two grandchildren and they are my pride and joy but that includes my son too . My son was sort of a confirmed bachelor like his Dad was , so never did I ever think he would marry and bless us with two little angels , but he did surprise us by marrying the daughter of an old classmate of mine , not knowing that I knew her . When my daughter in law got pregnant for her first one , my husband had just been diagnosed with the beginning of Alzheimers , so when we were told about becoming grandparents , my husband and I were estatic over the news . When the time came that my daughter in law went in for the baby , my husband , and I , my daughter in law 's parents , her sister and brother in law were all waiting in the waiting room , for the good news . This nurse came out of the delivery room and had this little bundle , we asked what it was and she said your son wants to tell you the new , and she continued we have to take HER to the nursery now . So we knew it was a girl , then my son came and made the grand announcement and we all went up to the nursery ( all of us ) . Then we saw her , she was laying on her tummy , and the sweetest little angel you have ever seen . We were so excited , from then on my husband became papa and I became memere , we enjoyed her so much , laughed at all her little actions . Two years later we were blessed with a grandson , and I was so glad because he is the only one to carry my husband 's name down , my husband was so proud of him , and of my grandaughter . My husband started getting worse with his disease and became bed ridden , I took care of him at home , had a hospital bed set up in the living room and the grandkids came to visit . One day my grandaughter was playing on the floor with her toys , we were all sitting on the sofa and chair , my husband lay in the bed facing the wall , and my grandaughter got up ( she was four years old ) never said a word , walked over to the other side of the bed and touched her papa 's hand and said " Me Love You Papa " . That was thePosted by Today is another day , and everyday I am anxious to see if I will have good news or find answers to my brick walls in my family tree . This morning coming down the stairs I noticed my hummingbirds were here , this is a new home , in the country , lots of fresh air and little wild animals . I was told that the hummers were back , so off to the store I went picked up two hummingbird feeders , one is a red apple , the other is the standard feeder . So yesterday I put in the feed , hung them out , and lo and behold I came downstairs and there were these little tiny hummers , flying to and from the feeder , what a lovely site . I would love to be able to take a picture of them , but the zoom on my camera is not good , I will try it and see . Then I phoned my Mom as I do quite regular , she is 88 and has a great memory , today she told me a story which I have already typed and saved for my grand daughters book that I made her . Today Mom told me that she went to an english school when she was young because her father found it to be too far to go to the french school , which was seven miles away , and my mom , her brother and two cousins were the only french in that one room school . The school had all the grades in the same room . My grandfather was protective of his children and if others picked on them , he would go to their fathers , he had a saying that everyone was equal , there were no one better than anyone else , if you were english , or if you were french you were both equal , if you were colored , white , native american , chinese , etc you were all equal , ( I think my grandfather was a smart man ) . He made sure his children were educated , after school it was homework time if they had a problem he would help solve it . So I wrote all this down for my grandaughter , and at the end I closed with the following sentenceSo even a long time ago , school was very important , one day you could become a doctor , a lawyer , a nurse , a teacher or whatever you wanted to be . have a great day . So little time and so much to do . Time goes by so fast , seems as if I just wake up and it is time to go to bed . I guess when we are young we do not notice this and it seems as if our days are endless . Ah memories , our youth . When I was young , we used to love to be outdoors , we used to go skating in the winter , no matter how cold it was . Mom would tie a scarf around my mouth and nose . We went skating different places , mostly were we could find a patch of ice . I enjoyed going to the skating rink , because there they had music to skate too , and there were lots of kids my age . Now mind you I was not a good skater , but I put one foot in front of the other and hoped I would stay upright . Also at the skating rink there were little huts where we could put on or take off our skates , and they had a round wood stove that would keep the hut warm . As soon as our hands and feet would warm up , off to the rink we would go . Since I came from a family of seven , times were not always easy , so for a while we had no sleds or tobaggans , we used to take a piece of Cardboard from an old cardboard box , and use it as a tobaggan , we used to walk quite far to go sliding , the coal pile was our favorite place , the hills were high , and there were always loads of people there . After a day of fun we would walk back home , tired but happy . One christmas morning a new tobaggan was waiting near the tree for us , what a happy surprise . Yes those were the days . have a great day , and cherish your memories . Sitting here at my computer , and thinking , what can I add to my blog today ? How many are reading this ? And I wonder how many know what genealogy is all about ? When I first heard the word genealogy , didn 't have a clue as to what it was , to me I would have said doing my family tree , or my roots . Do any of you remember the story of Roots , about the african boy who was captured and sold into slavery ? And the story continues with his sons and so on ? I enjoyed that movie so much not because the boy was a slave but because it was based on some truth . I had begun my genealogy way before that movie , but since that movie aired many have become curious about their own roots . And that is a good thing . I would love to one day walk on the soil of my ancestors , in England and France . When I find some little stories , or tidbits about my ancestors , it is just as if I won the lottery . Sometimes I phone my mom and say , Mom do you know what I found ? Did you know your great grandfather sold his land to the church ? Did you know that the bell in the steeple was named after him ? Do you know he wrote a letter around 1880 and it is in the archives ? On my mother 's side there are oodles of information , but on my father 's side I cannot find as much ( so far ) , that doesnt mean that I am quitting , it just means I have to dig some more . I do know that when my dad was young he hopped a train went up to Vancouver from New Brunswick , in those times many used to hop or ride the train to get to where they wanted to go , times were hard so that is how they travelled . My father worked in Vancouver until he had enough money saved and he rode the train ( by paying ) to come back home . have a nice day . Family Reunions are a must , yesterday we made my mom a surprise birthday party , she was 88 years old , and my family and i wanted a get together with her friends and relatives while she was able to enjoy them , it was pretty well planned , I did the invites , and my brother who lived with Mom makes all occasion cakes , so the plan was that he was making a cake and decorating a hall for a wedding , and my brother doesn 't drive so Mom was to drive him up with the cake , now we wanted Mom to be dressed for the occasion so my sister in law phoned mom and told her she was taking Mom out to celebrate her birthday for mom to be ready for nine pm and she would pick Mom up at her house . My grand niece phoned to ask my brother to borrow a camera , she would pick it up at 8pm , so at 730 my brother said ok Mom drive me to deliver the cake first , so Mom left a note on the door for my grand niece saying wait I will be back at 8pm . Now I needed to get the key to the hall from my brother in order to open the door , so I went to Moms , brought her her mothers day card , said I was going to the restaurant and had to hurry . Once at the hall , I had things to set on the tables , lunch to put in the fridge , and guest to welcome , well I am sure we had around one hundred guest , mostly all relatives , cousins I hadnt seen in quite a while , what a reunion , and Mom was so happy , we took photos , my brother made a special video for all to see , which started with my grandparents , their marriage certificat , then the birth certificate of my mom and photos of her as a little girl , growing up , when she met my father , then her kids , photos of her grandkids , and great grand children , what a beautiful video , my cousins were so excited because there were some of their parents on the video also . I shall be getting a copy of the video , as will my son . It was so nice seeing my mother mingling with the friends and relatives , she may be 88 but that didnt slow her down , she was at every table , talking and laughing . We also took a photo of her and five generations . MPosted by Well haven 't had time to come and do my blog , made a hill today for my giant pumpkin , and the little black flies were awful , they seem to like the taste of me , haha . So you can be sure I made that hill some fast . But my pumpkin is growing so big in the house I am afraid that when I put it out it will be too big and may not take , so I have started another seed , just in case . Came across this genealogy joke today , wanted to share it with you . A gentleman pays a genealogist a lot of money to find his family roots . The researcher discovered this his great grandfather was the first person to be exucuted when the electric chair was installed in sing sing prison . Undaunted , the man had the genealogist record that his great grandfather once occupied the chair of applied electricity at a leading New York institution . haha . But there is something that I must say , seriously , when you trace your family roots , you do not hide what happened , if some were arsonist , or murderers , or anything , it should not be covered over , because we are who or what we are . Most of us have skeltons in our closets of one sort or another , but remember , the truth is what matters , I want to know about my ancestors , I am here because of them , without them I would not be here . So I write down whatever they did , good or bad . . . . . . That is what genealogy is all about , our ancestors and the truth about them . have a great day . Well soon it will be time to put in our gardens , yesterday they tilled my garden , the weather was really nice , and it puts us in the mood to think about gardening does it not ? My garden is not too far from the house , so I shall be able to run a long hose to water it . Now we have a contest going on this year , my brother in law has accepted to be in the contest with us , we are going to see who can grow the biggest pumpkin , well I never grew big pumpkins ever , so I started three seeds , one did not take , one is small but one is really really big , I mean the leaves are huge , I hope I will be able to transplant it without losing it , but just in case I am going to start another seed . I am going to build a large hill , cover it with black plastic to keep the soil warm . I will not put the plant in the garden until the middle of June . I also want to plant some herbs , summer savory for one , basil , not sure what else yet . Our ancestors did not have modern tools like we have today , no tillers , they had horses and oxens , I imagine they worked much harder than we did . And they worked from dust till dawn , which we do not , I expect on running to the garden ( fast so the mosquitos don 't get me heh heh ) watering it , and to the house i go , and as for the weeding I really dread it haha . But what must be done must be done . My mom told me that her parents used to put in a big garden , and my grandmother used to preserve her crop by salting them down . She would put coarse salt in a barrel , put a layer of string beans , then a layer of salt , then a layer of string beans , mom said it was all salted in a brine . And when my grandmother wanted to cook some stringbeans , she would boil the beans in three waters or until the salt was gone . She would do the same for a lot of her meats , and fish . I tried salting the string beans a long time ago , boy they were salty haha . have a great day . Yesterday the weather was nice , decided on the spurt of the moment to take my camera and go to an old cemetery about two miles from my home and transcribe the stones . So off I went , parked my car in the cemetery , brought my briefcase in case I needed a pen . The cemetery is in Saint Antoine , it is the oldest of two catholic cemeteries , so I was curious to see if I had any ancestors buried there . I took the picture of a large cross at the front of the cemetery , but when I tried to take photos of the stones , the sun was too bright and the photos were not good , and some of the stones were to hard to see the writings . So off to the car I went , got out a book and a pen and started from the front , copied all that I could from the stones . I never thought I could do the entire cemetery in one day , but I did the entire cemetery except for a few stones in the far back , of the children , but I am returning to do those too . It is a shame that so many tombstones were broken and just laying there . I wish I could have lifted some of them but they were too heavy . I don 't know if the village will restore the stones but I sure hope so . There were fifteen rows in the cemetery , some rows had 12 stones some had 20 , now I need to recopy them , since I was in a hurry and it was getting late , I used my own shorthand for instance , Goguen became Gog , Robichaud became Rob , LeBlanc became LeB , so as you can see I took shortcuts in order to get it done , by the time I was finished the winds had picked up and blowing my book pages . But all in all it was worth a little effort on my part and a job that needed to be done for others doing genealogy like me . Have a great day Have you ever stopped and listen to the sounds of nature ? Last night I listened to the sound of the crickets and the frogs . In the evening is when these critters seem to come alive . Have you ever just sat outdoors and looked at the stars in the sky ? Once in a while you see a plane flying by . What a nice way to relax after a stressful day . I remember when I was little sitting on a swing in the park , listening to the sound of the trees moving to and fro , and just daydreaming . When I was a young girl the fad was singing from song books , and to tell you the truth I couldn 't hold a note , but I loved to sing , so I would make sure there was no one around when I went on the swings , and I would just sing as long as I wanted to , until my heart was content . Now days if you did that there could be someone hiding in the bushes with a tape recorder haha . But honestly I think my singing has improved ( slightly ) . I remember going to visit my grandmother when I was around twelve years old , and she lived iin an upstairs apartment , and I remember going up the stairs one time , she was baking brownies , and she was singing " why do you treat me as if I were only a friend " . She was a lovely lady , every christmas she bought or made something for all her kids and all their partners and all their kids . Now Granny had eight kids , plus their spouses plus their kids , so she would gather stuff all year long for the following christmas to give to all of us . And do you know that her present to me was always special , I knew Granny was giving me something , even if it was just a hanky , or a pair of mittens that she made , I looked forward to her gift to me . have a great day . Remember I told you about my mother 's grandmother who planted an apple orchard by hand and never seen it bear fruit ? Well I am going to try and add a photo of her , if I can succeed , notice the clothing they wore and notice her resemblance to granny clampett on the Beverly Hillbillies ? She died in 1929 so this photo was taken in the early 1900s sometimes . Yes I succeeded , so the gentleman on the left if my great grandfather Ferdinand D ' Amboise and his wife Domithilde Williams dit Bristol . She died in Saint Paul in 1929 , my grandmother was pregnant for one of my aunts at the time , and Ferdinand died in 1933 when my mother was pregnant for her first child . I had also mentioned in another blog that I have a copy of a telegram sent in 1893 , well i had the original one stating that Ferdinand 's father Joseph had passed away , Ferdinand was living in Marshalltown NS at the time . Hope you have enjoyed reading todays blog . As you can see , it is nice to match a photo to a story , or a story with a photo . have a great day . Can you imagine moving from your friends , relatives , from your native land for the unknown ? I wonder how our ancestors felt about doing just that . Some of my ancestors came from France , although at the time the country wasn 't very settled , but they came over some hired to come work in the New Land . Some of my ancestors came from England , one was a man by the name of Abraham Chate , he had family in England but he came over the ocean to Canada . He was a stranger in the village where he married a Girouard girl . Did he speak english and she spoke french ? I wonder . I would love to go to the homeland of some of my ancestors , to Deptford England , to Amboise France , to La Rochelle etc . And the expulsion of the Acadians , can you imagine never seeing your parents again , or brothers and sisters ? The trip on those ships must have been terrifying , so crowded and going towards the unknown . Can you imagine having to learn how to survive in the strange lands ? I read stories about our ancestors and their hardships , could we go through all that today ? I don 't think we would be strong enough , we are too spoiled I guess . As a matter of fact , from my mother 's time when she was young things have changed so much , she had to cut wood , pile it up , carry water , hunt , i cannot see me doing that now , so the same goes for our kids , when I went to school I had to walk , and there were no school cancellations either , winters were harder than they are now , we had to dress warm and brave the weather , now days if there is light snow , schools are cancelled , kids take buses to and back from school or their parents drive them . Although now it is more dangerous than it was back then , so I guess it is a good thing to know our kids will be safe . I wouldn 't want to see my grandchildren have to walk to school , or brave hard weather , nor have hardships , as I imagine our ancestors would say the same thing about us . have a great day . Like the song says " it 's great to be alive " . A few days ago I went to Moncton and on my way home stopped at a park called Mapleton Park , it is a beautiful park , and it was the first time I went in it . There are lots of walking trails , with benches along the way , I crossed a bridge over a little stream , saw a duck looking for fish , it was so quiet , so peaceful , and I never realized that so many people walked that trail , many walked their dogs . I want to go there again , bring a lunch and just sit there for awhile , and I want to take my camera with me , Had I taken my camera I could have taken a picture of the duck that I saw . We have another park called Centennial Park which is a great place to go and take your children , they have a playground , swimming pool , walking trails and a lake filled with ducks , they have peddle boats if you want to go for a ride on the water . I used to go to Centennial Park when I was in my early teens , but at that time it was known as Natural Park , I used to go with some other kids my age , and we used to go there via a certain way , and today I know we were awful stupid , we crossed a place called the 31 tracks , and we would either go under the boxcars or over them , little did we realize that they used to shunt the cars ( move them ) , we could have been seriously hurt . Then we took a path in the woods , ( to me at the time it seemed like I walked miles in the woods , but it wasnt that far ) . Walking through the woods my imagination would go wild , thinking about a handsome prince , or seeing some wild animals that were friendly , or stumbling upon some treasure or coming across a little house in the woods . All these things are nice to remember . So take a walk through a park , sit on a bench and write down your good things , to share with others as I am doing with you . Have a great day . Today I went to town , the weather was beautiful , saw a rabbit running into the woods , since I have been living here I have seem so many wild rabbits in the nearby field , It is fun watching them . I haven 't seen a deer so far , last year the fields were full of them , but there are two dogs here so they could be stopping the deer from coming out of the woods . Stopped over at my mother 's house , I enjoy going there , she is so interesting to listen to , today we talked about who was buried in what cemetery , and when she moved to Moncton the old Elmwood Cemetery was there and it was there during her mother 's time . Mom was telling me that it is too bad that we never had a chance to talk with her grandmother , or great aunts about their lives , but Mom told me her grandmother Domithilde planted an apple orchard near Saint Paul , Mom remembers them when the trees were a foot high but her grandmother never lived to see the trees bear fruit , and I have gone along that dirt road and the apple orchard is still there , my great grandmother died in 1929 , my mother was born in 1918 so Mom would have been 8 or 9 years old back then . I wish I had lots of stories about my father , his memory was a lot like mine haha , what I learned about my father , my mother told me . She married him when she was 13 and a half years old , and was brought up into his family of 16 kids , my dad 's mother taught my mother how to make bread . My father loved to rock in his rocking chair and sing some little fast tunes , he could play the harmonica and the jews harp , he loved to play cards , and play checkers , he loved his bingo also . I have lots of photos on my mother 's side of the family when she was young , but not many of my father , I have a school picture of him age 13 in grade three taken at the saint mary school in moncton , it is not a clear photo but he was identified in it . oh something else I want to add , as you know I am trying to talk you into preserving your memories to pass down to your descendents , I have all my report cards from grade one to grade eight Posted by What a beautiful day , the sun is shining , grass is greener , and yesterday I went for an ice cream in Bouctouche NB . I enjoy stopping for ice cream once in a while , while out sunday driving . In the summer I enjoy stopping at a rest area , where there are picnic tables ( especially near the water ) having a lunch . I remember when I was around ten years old , my father had an old pick up truck and every weekend he would take people to the beach , ( for a fee ) , my brothers , sisters , and I would sit in the back of the truck , I remember my mother saying , " you kids sit near the front , and stay there " . I remember passing certain buildings during our ride to the beach , and when we hit a place called Gilbert 's Corner , we got a glimpse of the ocean , then we got excited . We went to a beach called Caissie Cape , and it was so nice . I remember walking along the shore picking up shells . Then my mother would spread a couple of blankets on the sand , and unpack her lunch and when we came out of the water , she would call us over . Our lunch was usually devilled ham sandwiches and root beer or orange pop . They were the best sandwiches to us at that time , even if there sometimes was sand on them . heh heh . I used to love the water , I would try and swim under water , but couldn 't hold my breath very long . My father also took up clam digging and quahawg picking , now clam digging was easy , we walked along the shore on the sand looking for holes , when we saw the holes we took the shovel and dug , sometimes the holes were not clams " they were worms , yuck I didn 't like those " we would fill our pails with the clams and steam them , take some of the juice add a pat of butter and soak our clams in them , mmm very tasty , and for the quahawgs ( which is also a shelled fish ) we would walk in a certain area in the water about waist high , feel on the bottom of the ocean with our feet until we felt a hard shell , then we would pick them , they looked like a big bar clam . I only started eating those once I was married , my husband used to eat them all the timPosted by I was born in Moncton N . B . . I have four brothers and three sisters . I have been on the internet since 1999 and have been into genealogy since 1976 . I hope you all enjoy my blogs . |
The clerk didn 't seem to see him . She was too busy scribbling on this piece of paper of his apparent time of death and the autopsy reports . A bullet straight through the left ventricle of his heart , not passing through the cardiac muscle . Basically , his heart drowning in its own blood . She peered over the report and initialed everywhere she needed to , a somber expression on her face as she did so . Kyle noticed the red rims around her eyes and scoffed inside his head . What kind of clerk took their job so serious that they cried each time a patient died ? So he was only 21 years old and had a successful life . That didn 't mean she had to bawl her brains out over a kid she barely even knew . She even went so far as to sniffle when she initialed by the consent to questioning about the body . How pathetic . She still didn 't see him even as he shoved his hands in his Levi pants pockets and took two steps up to her , trying to get a better look at the sheet of paper . To his dismay , there was a small 8x11 photo paper clipped to a stack of papers of him lying in the hospital bed with that infernal contraption over his nose . He remembered that they were willing him to breathe and to ' stay with them . ' Kyle tried , he did , but a heart can only do so much before it fucks up and dies out . That 's what Kyle 's did , but it never explained why he was still able to stand there in the hospital unnoticed by everyone . It didn 't matter to him , anyway . He was dead now . Kyle didn 't bother to look behind him as he walked out of the door , apparently not making a sound or a scene . People obviously couldn 't see him lift or touch anything , because to them , anything he came in contact with did not exist . That basically meant that seeing Mom and Annice were out of the picture . They were in his hospital room bawling over his carcass for no reason , because he tried too many times to scream out their names . There was one point where he threatened to sling Annice by her hair if she didn 't turn around , and all she did was hiccup and throw her head in her mother 's bosom and cry louder . Kyle was too pissed off to do anything else . Who would of thought that the dead could be angry ? Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) The sky was bright blue that day , the weather was wonderful , perfect for people that wanted to watch the beautiful nature . A lot of people traveled far away just to see wonders of nature like gran canyon or Niagara falls . There was so many places on earth that looked magnificent , but Rose would never be able to see them . She had been blind since she was a child . She lost her sight after a car accident and hadn 't been able to see since then . Luckily it happened when she was very young so she didn 't remember much from the time she could see , which meant she couldn 't miss seeing as much as someone loosing their sight as an adult . It didn 't matter that much that she couldn 't see , even if it made it a bit harder to walk . But she could still hear , she could still feel , she could still taste and she could still smell . As long as she used those senses then she wouldn 't need her sight . Sine she had lived in the same town since she were a kid she barely had to think about walking into things anymore . Before she had to count every step but now she remembered where the most places were and her mind counted the steps unconsciously . Though it was very uncomfortable if she stopped and wasn 't certain exactly where she were . Rose tried to live her life as if she still had her eyes , she tried to be like everyone else and didn 't accept help if she didn 't needed it , and so far she hadn 't had that many problems . She listened to the tv , enjoyed nature by smelling and touching it and she even went to the movie theatre now and then . Sometimes it were with her friends and sometimes she went alone . This day she had decided to go alone to watch a movie , or rather listen to a movie . She always heard people talking in movie theatres about how bad the effects were and such . But they never commented if the music fitted in the scenes or not . Since she couldn 't see the effects she just had to listen to the other effects that could be heard in the movie . Rose walked into the theatre main hall and bought her ticket . The scent of the person working there at the moment weren 't familiar , probably a new staff member . She couldn 't recognize his voice either , definitely new staff . She could hear that his voice sounded a little bit nervous even though he tried to hide it . It could be because she was blind that he got nervous , maybe he wondered why she were going to watch a movie even though she were blind . Some people had asked her straight out before while others had tried not to mention it . This man didn 't say anything about it but kindly told her which row and which seat that was written on the ticket . She walked in to the theatre and counted the seats carefully so she wouldn 't get the wrong one and then finally found her seat . One good thing with being blind was that even if there was people sitting in the way or if she sat to close to the cinema screen it still didn 't matter . She didn 't need to see anyways . All she had to worry about was if people would talk to much or not . She relaxed as the commercials started to roll on the screen . # 2 It was good not having to pay for anything . It meant that , if he wanted to , he could have stolen everything he wanted and no one would blink an eye at him when he did it , simply because , to them , the item never existed . If Kyle walked across the street and snatched a purse from an old lady , she would continue walking because , to her , the purse he snatched didn 't exist . The purse to Kyle was an item that was grabbed , but the old lady would still have the same , brightly embroidered red purse in her frail hands . That was just the way life went . Well , not life , exactly . He chuckled at his own crude sense of humor and pushed passed a crowd of people that were loitering in the street for no reason at all . You gotta love cities . The movie theater was a ways away from the hospital , but Kyle didn 't mind the walk . He hated that his mother and sister passed him up in the street with their blood , red eyes , not saying a word to them . At that point , he no longer cared . He just simply waved at the car with two fingers saying , " I bet yall are having that old macaroni again . " Then , as he walked through the entrance door to the theater without the slightest sideways glance to anyone , it hit him . He was dead . Dead . Meaning that he no longer existed in the world he lived in . Meaning that everyone around him would forget him and he would be nothing more than a memory . That wasn 't all bad , except for one thing . He was still there . He still had to watch everyone go on with their merry little lives while he stood there without one word to him . No one would call out to him . His phone will never ring . The school had probably already scratched him off of the records and attendant sheets , tainting his perfect attendance at Carolina University . Kyle scoffed and threw his hand in his dark brown hair under his toboggan , swinging the door open to Your Surrender , enjoying the bang that no one heard . The previews had already started , one playing about a woman seeing her child for the first time , only to find out that he was a serial killer . The n " And now , please silence all cell phones before the movie . Be courteous to your fellow spectators by remaining silent throughout the screening of this film . " Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) Rose didn 't really enjoy previews that much since she couldn 't get that much of a picture of what the movie were about . Especially if it were an action movie , they often just had explosions and some lines so she couldn 't really get a grip of the content of the movie . Even if she heard a review that made her interested it wasn 't always that they said the name of the movie out loud in the end . In some previews they only wrote the name of the movie at some point in the preview so it was impossible for her to find the movie later . She mostly asked her friends what movies they would suggest to her since she couldn 't read about them herself . Soon the previews was over and she finally could look forward to the movie . Suddenly someone behind her started to mutter . She didn 't know why but he really irritated her . Not so much his words as the bad energy he sent out . She turned around even if she wouldn 't be able to see him , but he would probably not care if she talked to him with her back towards him . " You don 't have to watch it if you think it 's so crappy . " She commented and turned back . There wasn 't that many people in the theatre so not many noticed that she were suddenly talking to nothing , and the closest person barely saw anything in the theatre since the screen just had turned black when she turned around . If it still would have been bright from the screen light then a few people would probably have looked at her wondering who she talked too . Rose herself didn 't even realize that she just had talked to an empty seat and that no one else had heard the voice . She hoped a bit that the guy behind her would leave if he would talk more , it was just disturbing when people talked too much . Since she only could use her ears when she saw a movie it was pretty important that she could hear anything . It wasn 't like in reality where she could hear , smell and feel everything around her . The worst experience she had at a theatre was when she was younger and went to a family movie together with her mother . Another family with a lot # 4 Kyle had to remain still for a few seconds . Stupid idea , really , but he was taken off guard so bad that he figured if he moved , he 'd be in trouble . It wasn 't like he never talked during a movie before . He did it all the time . Every time a stupid preview for a movie came on while he and his friends went out , he was the first to comment on how he thought the movie would go . Half of them were so predictable , that the next time they went to the theater to see that movie , Kyle was almost exactly right . Even then he would comment about how he knew he was going to be right and what a waste of money seeing the movie was . It was all in good fun , of course , and it wasn 't like he talked during the whole entire presentation . There were some movies he even took an interest to , but those were once in a lifetime chances for him . Somehow , he knew that Your Surrender would be the crappiest movie he had ever seen . He just didn 't expect someone to answer him . He remained motionless for a good time , thinking that maybe he was going insane . Being alive when you 're really dead can do that to you . He thought that maybe he was hearing things at first , but the possibility of being noticed was just too strong for him to ignore . Whoever the girl was , she could probably hear him , maybe even see him ! Of course , that would screw with his head far worse than it already was , but Kyle had little to no choice . Why not take a little chance ? Do a little dare ? He was dead , anyway , so it wouldn 't really matter what happened from that point . He took a deep breath and stared at the back of her head , waiting before he did something incredibly stupid . A second past before he sent a hard kick to the back of her seat . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) The guy behind her was silent for a good while . Rose got relieved and thought he actually had decided to shut up , but in that moment she felt something in her back . It was almost like someone had kicked the seat but at the same time the seat hadn 't moved at all . It felt like something flew into her back but she couldn 't make sense of what it was . Then the guy started to talk again . That cocky brat , someone should throw him out of there . " Could you just shut up . " She hissed as she turned her head towards him , she tried to be a bit silent when she did it so she wouldn 't disturb anyone else in the theatre . " Some people actually want to watch without being disturbed by a dickhead . " She commented and turned her head away from him again . The head turning was unnecessary for her since she couldn 't see him anyway . But people often listened to her better if she looked at them even if she couldn 't see them . For her it didn 't matter if people looked at her or not when they talked to her since she couldn 't see them anyways . She could listen without seeing , so why did other people have such a hard time doing it ? The music in the beginning of the movie faded and some voices started to talk . Rose immediately started to try and remember all the voices she heard and tried to get the name to the right voice . It was easy if they called a person and the person answered . But sometimes people started to talk about a person when that person weren 't in the room and they simply watched a picture of her , when that happened she often started to put the wrong voices to the wrong people and first when she re - watched it she actually got it right . This time , Kyle was more than just interested . He was all different kinds of emotions at once : surprised , shocked , happy , pissed off . There was someone who had finally been able to see him , as crackpot as the thought was . He had said and did something specifically to that one female and she had responded as if he were really there . It was more than just a miracle ; it was down right odd . Kyle looked directly into her deep brown eyes the moment she turned towards him , stunned for a minute that they actually held eye contact . Even though some of his hair obscured a slight bit of his vision because of the toboggan , his eyes were exposed enough for her to look directly into his two . She was a pretty thing , that couldn 't be denied . She had perfect hair that was straight at both sides of her cheeks , curling under and framing her face right at the base of her neck . There were no blemishes to be found and the only thing off with her face was the angry expression that made her brown brows wrinkle . Kyle opened his mouth to say something else , but when he did , she only turned around and averted her attention back to the movie that was beginning . The lights suddenly dimmed and all of the other hushed whispers from everyone else died down to nothingness . Kyle looked beside him at a woman who was about mid - 30 's , wearing dark purple lipstick . He watched her place her hand in the bucket of her popcorn slowly , eyes glued directly to the screen . Frowning a bit , Kyle stole the bucket from her and dumped some of the popcorn on the floor . However , the woman did not move at all . She continued to eat out a bucket of popcorn that was not touched at all . So , everyone else couldn 't see or here him . The movie began but Kyle wasn 't paying too much attention . He wanted to say something else . Fell like he actually had life again . Whatever was going on with him had something to do with her and stupid movie would not stop him from finding that out . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) Finally the guy decided to keep it down so she could actually concentrate on the movie . There were a bit talking among the people now and then , but they kept it very quiet and they were able to whisper for most of the time so Rose didn 't feel so disturbed by them . It didn 't seem like anyone had a child or a baby in there so she didn 't have to get disturbed by a child 's comment or crying . It was always the best when as few people as possible went to see a movie . But she felt a bit bad . She wasn 't used to say such things to people , she had called a total stranger a dickhead . Maybe he had just had a bad day and weren 't really in the mood or something like that . Rose hated when her conscience got to her , it always did even when it was another persons fault . In this case it wasn 't really his fault , he had stated his opinion even if it was a rude opinion and she had called him a dickhead instead of asking him gently to be quiet . That would have been a better option . After some minutes she felt that she had to do something about her mind screaming at her . Rose half turned towards were she had heard the guy . " Sorry I called you a dickhead . I went a bit overboard . " She told him before turning back . Her conscience was cleaned once again , it didn 't really matter if he accepted her apology or not , as long as she tried to apologize when she had done something wrong then it was good enough . She didn 't even thought that he had cared about her calling him such a rude word but she cared a bit about it , so at least for herself she wanted to do something that felt right after doing something that felt wrong . She kept listening to the movie as it kept going on . She hadn 't missed anything they had said as she spoke to the guy . She had tried to time it in just after they had stopped talking and she were able to finish her sentence just as they started talking again in the movie . That felt pretty good since she thought she would miss something while talking and if the sentence was important then she would miss something in the plot . Th # 8 He smiled at her once she apologized , flashing his pearl teeth her way even while she looked directly at his chest . He found it absolutely adorable that she couldn 't look him in the eyes after she just had guts enough to call him a dickhead . Kyle never had a girl tell him off before . In his . . . . ' other life ' . . . he was a good guy . A guy who never liked to see a person frown if he could help it . When it came to woman , he put them very high on pedestal . There was no reason in the word for Kyle to every be rude , nasty , or mean to any woman . He had a good bit of girl friends and learned very quickly that high school drama always tainted the hearts and mind of young women . This time , however , the girl was nothing more than a fun project to him . His death changed his outlook on people and life . he had no interest in her other than the fact that she could see and hear him as if he were really alive . His smile widened she turned back , not even waiting for him to say whatever he had to say , because Kyle had some words in mind . " I don 't see how you could determine who a dickhead is without really meeting them . You don 't know me from a hole in the ground , but when I start talking to a piece of crap movie , I 'm all of a sudden a dickhead . I could be famous , you know . I could be the next Einstein or some shit . A bit overboard doesn 't cut it , sweetheart . " he said , still not caring about the movie . A woman was pounding on the chest of the main protagonist , begging for him to do everything he could to help find her missing sister . Kyle 's eyes flickered to the screen then back to the girl 's head . He leaned forward , tapping her shoulder . Surprisingly enough , it felt solid , like a real shoulder . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) Rose had hoped that the guy would just shut up after her apology but it didn 't take too long before he started to speak again . She sighted a bit at his comment . She had a hard time believing that an Einstein would go and watch a crap movie to begin with . She tried to listen to what happened in the movie but she had already lost concentration because of him . Also some other people had started to whisper to each other and someone was snoring a bit , not loudly but it sounded like it could become louder in just a couple of moments . She was used to some movie experiences being destroyed because of people , it was only sometimes now and then that she could actually listen to a movie at the cinema without getting disturbed . Suddenly she felt someone poking at her shoulder , she guessed that it were the guy right behind her again and just as she thought it he started to speak . At first she thought that maybe she should just try and not pay attention to him , pretend that he weren 't there . But not many in the audience seemed to be interested in the movie as more and more noises started . It wasn 't really loud so far , but since she couldn 't see it disturbed her more than other people . She sighted a bit , it was probably best to watch it when it came on TV instead , at least then it would be silent around her . " You are a pain in the ass . " She mumbled as she rose up and started to walk , carefully counting her steps in her head . The cinema weren 't a place she were used to being in so she still hadn 't learned to just walk without thinking that much of where she walked . Hopefully the guy behind her would just leave her alone when they got out . She had known a guy in her school that talked a bit like him , even though he never had talked to Rose she had heard him many times talk to other people like that guy did . Nothing was ever their fault , it was always the other persons fault . They never accepted apologies . Those kind of guys were all the same . " Dammit , " Kyle swore under his breath , vaulting out of his seat right behind him . It was a good thing for him that no one could see , hear , or feel him move through the constricted mass of people in the isle . He simply moved through the people to jog after the girl who had , yet again , called him an obscenity . He doubted that she would apologize to him this time , finally having enough of his presence as she made her way out of the theater room . Kyle took one more look at the screen to see the woman throwing her forehead on the man 's chest , bawling that she had little to hold onto to and that he was the only one who knew her . He was the only one who could save her and her heart . Kyle didn 't so much as bat an eye at the screen before he turned away , catching an amber flicker that was the girl 's hair as she made her way out of the door . " Hold it . Hold it , sweetheart ! " He called , racing to catch up to her . When she didn 't turn around , he feared that the miracle of her being able to notice him was timed and had worn off . The thought was unsettling , and , once he was beside her as they passed the concessions , he frowned when she still didn 't send a look to him even though he was short inches away . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) Rose heard him clearly as he told her to wait up , but she didn 't really care . But she couldn 't help but flinch a bit when he called her sweetheart for the second time of the day . One reason why she didn 't answer him was because she didn 't want to loose count in her steps before she got out of the cinema and knew her way , if she lost count inside the cinema then maybe she would walk into the wall instead of out threw the exit because of a couple of miscalculated steps . Another was that he were irritating and she just didn 't want to talk to him . But when she got out of the cinema and stood on the walkway outside she stopped and sighted a bit before speaking . " Stop calling me sweetheart . " She demanded . At this point she wasn 't certain were he stood , if he were behind her or at her left or right side , so it was impossible for her to try to look at him . If he hadn 't noticed that she was blind then he would maybe think that she were rude for not trying to look at him , on the other hand she had already been rude to him three times so what did a fourth matter ? She wished a bit that she had just ignored him when he started to speak in the cinema , or at least ignored him when she walked out . She could have gone straight home . Even if he had followed her and tried to talk to her he would have to stop when they got to her house . For a second she really thought of just leaving him without a word , but something felt weird with this guy . He seemed like whichever idiotic guy in town when he spoke but when he touched her it didn 't feel completely solid even though it felt solid . When he kicked her chair it didn 't feel like it was actually kicked . I 'm probably over thinking this . She thought to herself . " What do you want ? " She asked him almost sighing as she crossed her arms over her chest , still not certain exactly where he were . He had to want something since he wanted her to wait for him so badly . To his surprise , she obeyed him by slowing up her steps as they passed the cinema and the Sleep Mattress store stationed right next to it . The store was going out of business , a large ' FOR LEASE ' looking intimidating against the pale borders of the store , bricks lining every other edge of the wall . Most people found it odd that a mattress store was made of brick , but the need for a mattress store right beside a cinema was ridiculous . Kyle liked the mattress store , believe it or not . Before he was shot and killed , the movies was a weekly pastime for him , and , afterwards , he would walk next door to look at mattresses . Why ? He just liked the structure of the store . The girl passed the store up without even a glance in the direction or the opposite for that matter . Kyle made a face and looked at her eyes , but nothing seemed out of the ordinary to him . She was either really defiant or blind . He doubted it was the latter so Kyle made it his job to break that defiance of hers . That was just like a typical teenage girl ; to act like they 're all that and don 't have time to look someone in the eyes . Kyle was going to enjoy bursting this egotistical bubble of hers . " I wouldn 't call you sweetheart if you had given me a name to go by . See , like this . Hey , I 'm Kyle . Was that so hard ? " Kyle had to fight the urge to laugh at his own way of thinking . The girl was either going to do one of three things : slap him in the face , ignore him as if he didn 't exist ( even though he didn 't ) , or tell him her name . He didn 't know which one he was waiting for , but the humor was what allowed him to keep trying . A car sped down the street and he noticed that she neither flinched nor looked in that direction , even though it was traveling pretty close to the curb . Kyle frowned and stared at her a bit more . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) When she heard his voice she could at least get her eyes in his direction even though she didn 't know if she looked into his chest , eyes or forehead . She rose her right eyebrow a bit , she didn 't know if she should give him her name or just slap him and walk away . " I may have given you my name earlier if you had asked nicely . " Rose said , she wondered if he actually would ask nicely if she didn 't tell him her name . But she didn 't want to get called sweetheart or anything else that he may come up with . " I 'm Rose . " She told him as she put her hands in her pockets . She started to think about something to say so that she could walk away from him without him following her . But it would seem weird if she told him that she had to go home or to a meeting with a friend since she from the beginning had been watching a movie at the cinema and that movie weren 't going to finish in a while . She had no idea why Kyle felt like talking to her even though they somewhat had argued at the cinema . Shouldn 't he be more interested in not talking to her ? On the other hand , guys worked in mysterious ways , there wasn 't a single guy that she could understand . " So . . . What do you want , Kyle ? " He must have had some reason to have rushed after her and told her to wait . Or maybe he just wanted to irritate her for some more minutes before they walked their different ways . It was a bit weird though , she couldn 't smell his scent . All human had a different scent , it was strongest when they sweated and weakest just after a shower , but she couldn 't feel any kind of scent from him . Maybe the wind blew in the wrong direction but when she thought about it she was certain she hadn 't felt any stronger scent when she turned around to talk to him at the cinema . If someone had been behind her then that persons scent should have gotten a bit stronger as she got closer . But there was a lot of people in that room so it wasn 't that odd that the scents got mixed together . Still , he stood so close to her , the wind should carry his scent towards her at some point . M # 14 Kyle looked across the street , noticed that no cars were speeding , so knew it was safe to cross . Apparently the girl didn 't have to look , for she just stared blankly ahead of him and walked directly across without so much as a head tilt in the opposite direction . The first thought that went to Kyle 's said was that she was suicidal . She didn 't care about getting ran over or hit by a random car at all . She gave up on caring for her safety and just did whatever she wanted , awaiting the consequence with a smile . Kyle looked down at her some more and tried to find that girl within her visage , but he could see no trace of any suicidal tendencies at all . He opened his mouth to say something but she just turned to him , looking at the base of his threat with defiance . " I didn 't ask at all , " he added , looking at her eyes , noticing that she didn 't move her eyes at all . Kyle frowned again , looking up momentarily to take a turn to the right , heading directly to the Waffle House stationed across the Main Road , the yellow sign glowing dimly . He caught her say her name . Rose . What an contradiction . She didn 't look romantic , soft , and bold at all . She should have been named Thorn . That would have suit her better . " And now we 're getting somewhere . I don 't want anything from you , but , since you 're walking the same direction , I might as enjoy some Waffle House with you . " He shook his head when she still didn 't toss a look at him . " Am I that bad looking that you can 't even look me in the eye . Damn , you 're so stuck up . " Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) She shrugged a bit when he mentioned that she didn 't look him in the eyes . " You probably are that bad looking , luckily I don 't need to see it since I 'm blind . " Rose said irritated . She knew many people got confused since she didn 't use anything to help her find her way around , but she had never walked into anything since she had learned how the town looked by counting steps , and somehow she always seemed to be able to walk around holes in the ground and such things even though she didn 't know they were there . As long as she stayed in a familiar place then she didn 't have a need for a white stick or anything like that . It just felt weird to use those things . Though she often did if she went out of town with her friends or family . " Enjoy your waffles , I 'm going home . " She said and turned around and started walking away from him . She felt a bit bad for getting so angry at him just because he hadn 't realized that she was blind . But he had called her stuck up without even asking why she didn 't look at him . It should be some kind of unwritten rule to first ask people why they are acting like they do instead of assuming they are in some way . At least he could have kept it to himself if he weren 't even going to ask her about it first . Kyle felt like more of an asshole than he already was . He stared at her harder after she explained the reason she never looked him directly in the eyes or at his face . It was because if her eyes even managed to travel that far up , all she would see was black . She had no eyesight to speak of . He let his gaze wander to her eyes , knowing that she wouldn 't be able to tell if he were staring or not . A plus . There wasn 't a typical gray , glassy look in her irises like most blind people had . On TV , at least . They looked the color of a normal brown , lighter than some of her hair , but definitely a brown . He put the color as burned caramel . Not the color of a blind girl . " Oh , " he said half - heartily , as if he meant for it to sound retorting more than defeated . " I didn 't know that . " Well , duh , Sherlock . The sounds of the street were loud and obnoxious . Kyle remembered them so well . The cars that drove higher than the speed limit , the occasional caw of some wild bird . There was a music from a tavern across the street , well away from them but blasting a swagger of jazz and unconditional blues . The city life . Kyle glanced at the Waffle House 's pale , yellow , and inviting sign , only looking back to Rose when she told him she was leaving . She had might as well smacked him . " Woah , wait ! Dammit , " he breathed , trotting beside her . Careful not to touch her and further piss her off , he hovered his hand over her shoulder and a hopeful attempt to catch her attention . Wow , he was desperate for someone to talk to . " Alright , I get it , I fucked up . My bad . Really . How was I supposed to know you were blind ? People don 't really go up to people , ask their names , and go ' Hey , by the way , are you blind ? ' Take it easy on me , would you ? . . . Please ? " he added in quickly . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) Rose stopped her steps and looked towards the voice . She was still a bit pissed but she couldn 't really be angry at him . It wasn 't so easy to figure out she was blind when she walked like a normal person , and as far as she had heard her eyes didn 't look like those of a blind person . She had no idea how they should look though but apparently her looked normal . Though most people figured it out when they noticed that she didn 't look directly at them and she always held her head and eyes straight forward . She crossed her arms over her chest again . " Fine . " She said after a moment of silence . Why did she even bother with this guy ? She hadn 't met him before and she had no desire to get to know him . Still she had let him stop her from walking away from him two times already . Why did he even bother to stop her if he thought she were so stuck up ? Shouldn 't he just leave and be with his own friends ? She had a hard time thinking someone with his mouth would go to the movies by himself , people like him often seemed to sit together to complain about the movie . She caught herself assuming that he were in a certain way without even knowing him . Maybe they just got a really bad start and he actually were a good guy . Or maybe he were the idiot she assume he were . " So you wanted waffles ? You 'll have to show the way then , I don 't really go to food places that often . " She told him . When she and her friends went to eat somewhere it was either McDonalds or a Chinese restaurant . The rest of the food places in town were just drawn in black on her inner map . The word ' fine ' was better than nothing . He was expecting her to ignore him and continue walking back to wherever she was going to go . He started questioning how she was able to ' see ' where she was going without being able to actually see . She didn 't run into a pole , get hit by a car , or even lose her footing . If anyone across the street noticed her , they wouldn 't have known she was blind just as he didn 't , and he was right next to her ! She had no seeing - eye dog , no white cane , or dark glasses obscuring her eyes . To Kyle , she was nothing but a normal , hot - headed female . In truth , if he had been in his old life , he would 've bailed away from her without even the slightest look in her direction . But , as fate would have it , he was dead and she could see him . Well . . . not technically see , but . . . " I was gonna get an omelette but whatever . Same place , " he shrugged , knowing she couldn 't have caught the gesture . Kyle tilted his head and she didn 't even move . He closed one eye and stuck out his tongue , and still , not a movement from her at all . A man in a hat passed him and Kyle did the same gesture , yet the man had strolled on , checking his watch and speeding up in his haste walk . Rose wasn 't too much different from him , in a way . He held out his hand for her to grab , internally face palmed himself , before taking her hand in his . He was shocked that he actually felt the hand : small , soft , and fragile . Solid . " Uh . . . this way . You just passed it , sorta . I 'm surprised you didn 't smell it . All that grease and fat people . . . " he said , chuckling and trying to lighten the mood . It was a failed attempt . Kyle was better at being an asshole than at being friendly . Paying no more attention to her hand in his , he lead her slowly towards the Waffle House , but not too slowly . Blind people liked to get really huffy it they were treated like they were retarded or incapable of doing anything other than seeing . Kyle wondered how weird it looked when he opened the door first , holding tight to Rose 's hands and lifting it up , letting her know that there was one step before her . The people probably thought the girl was insane . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) Rose had a feeling that the guy were doing something weird when he were silent for a moment , but she didn 't know what since she couldn 't see it . If he were the same kind of person that he had sounded like on the cinema then he were probably making weird faces at her . But it was just a feeling she had , she didn 't really think anything about it . Then he took her hand and showed her the way . ' Of course I missed it , you made me irritated , why would I even have bothered to think about smells then ? ' She thought to herself , but let it remain a thought . It was probably best not to try and get into a fight with him , or else he would probably see her as up - stuck again . She could still not believe that he had thought she were up - stuck . But she believed that he were pretty arrogant so it should make them even . As they walked threw the door it was like they had walked right threw a wall . It 's always like that at restaurants , the smell of food and people becomes like a thick wall because of the small space the smells are stuck in . The bigger the place is the less it smells . Also it depends on what kind of food their making , some types of food gives off less smells and it doesn 't become as thick . If she judged from how strong the smells felt in this place then it wasn 't such a big restaurant , but waffle places were often not bigger than most pubs so it wasn 't that surprising . " Are you sick ? " Rose asked a bit suddenly , even though she hadn 't thought about it at first she now noticed how cold his hand felt . " You 're terribly cold . " She continued just to explain why she asked . She had a friend whose hands always were cold , but not to that extent as his . It almost felt like she were touching a corpse . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . We are a community ran by REAL PEOPLE ! We are not a corporation or a company . Our server , domain , and software licenses are privately owned and paid for 100 % out of our own pockets . To help pay for these monthly costs , we are more than happy to take donations from members in exchange for super spiffy extra tools and features on the boards . For more information you can view our Donating FAQs . |
Filed under : Here and now | Comments ( 7 ) I visited Mom today before lunch . I returned the clothes I had washed to her closet , where I saw she seemed to have more pants than on past days . A comfort to me . I went straight to her room to do this when I arrived because she was sitting in a circle with a group , bouncing around a beach ball with an activities staffer . Music was playing , and Mom was clapping her hands . She looked very content . I then walked toward the circle , and Mom spotted me out of the corner of her eye . She got up and walked toward me , saying , " Emily , Emily . " She hugged me . And then she went back to her chair , and I sat behind her , just outside the circle . A few staffers and volunteers said Mom had been dancing earlier . The activities director also said Mom had been among a group of residents who had gone to the daycare center the day before to " babysit . " And while the activities director tried to encourage kids to lie still and take a nap , Mom confessed that she had told the kids they could talk and read books . I thought that was funny . Kind of like a grandma , letting the kids get away with something a parent might discourage . It didn 't seem to bother the activities director that Mom had done that . After the activity ended , Mom started talking about a man across the way wearing blue . She was pointing him out to me , but I wasn 't sure what she was trying to say . She walked toward him , and I just watched her . She put her hand on his shoulder . He just looked at her and didn 't say anything . And Mom walked away from him , toward me . " He doesn 't like me , " she said . I have noticed this man . He appears to be fairly young for an Alzheimer 's patient . He wears jeans and plaid shirts a lot of the time , and is a resident who , I guess you could say , could " pass " as a visitor based on his current appearance . Once , he and Mom shared a table at lunch , but he didn 't say anything . I think I even asked his name to see if I could find his tray , and he just looked at me and did not respond . Today , Mom seemed to have him on her mind . She would keep an eye out for him . And she said several times that he does not like her . I said he might be shy , or having a bad day . Or that maybe he is playing hard to get , which made Mom laugh . A little later , a visitor brought him some McDonald 's food . I told Mom that maybe he was just waiting for his family member . " I don 't know why he doesn 't like me , " she said . I was concerned that she was a little obsessed . We had moved to a table and were waiting for lunch to arrive when Mom said , " I hope I don 't have to get pee pee . " I suggested she go to the bathroom , and we started walking toward her room . I was ahead of her , and when I got to the door of her room , I looked back to see Mom approaching another gentleman who was sitting alone on a couch . They were holding hands . She was saying , " I should go now , " and he was saying , " You don 't have to go anywhere . " He stood up and hugged her , and planted two substantial kisses on her lips . " That was nice , " she said , and then she walked toward me . It appears that Mom is enjoying attention from men these days . After she peed , we returned to the table , and her tray arrived . I noticed there was a piece of fried fish on her plate , and wild rice . I had told the kitchen when Mom moved in that she doesn 't like fish . But she took a big bite and didn 't seem to mind it at all . I told her it looked good - that I like fried food . She was concerned that she wouldn 't like the rice , but she took a bite and liked it , too . She pointed to her apple pie and said , " I like that . " I kissed her goodbye and said I 'd be back in a few days . On the way out , I chatted with a few staff members . I told the activities director that Mom seemed very interested in the new younger male resident . " I hope she doesn 't pester him , " I said . The activities director said that he will let her know if she 's bothering him . I hope he lets Mom down easy if he does do that . " He 's the new hottie , " she said . Filed under : All about me , Looking back | Comments ( 10 ) I 've hit a few milestones lately , and have thought about writing about them , but I have been slow about doing so , and I 'm not sure why . Perhaps it 's avoidance - of revisiting how I felt a year ago , when I was at a very low point . Though it sure is nice to be able to revisit it in thought and words all the while knowing I do not have to live it again . Jan . 14 marked the one - year anniversary of this blog . The time surely does fly when one writes a blog . I read a lot of blogs and marvel at anniversaries of four , five or six years . Just how long have blogs been around ? And what took me so long to start one ? I also have " graduated " from therapy . My last session was Jan . 19 . I was anxious before the appointment because I wasn 't sure what I would talk about - which seemed like a sign to me that I was ready to stop . I had really resolved issues that led me to start therapy , and I felt that some of the worst of my pessimism , and negativity , seemed to be behind me . So my therapist and I agreed to end the session without setting a date for another . I of course can go back anytime . And who knows , as Mom gets sicker , I might need therapy more than ever . But for now , I feel that I can go on without it . I do sometimes have this tendency to think , with regard to Mom : All the hard work is done ; I have no " excuse " for feeling low , or worried , or sad , or anxious , or whatever I might be feeling . My therapist reminded me that after five years of worrying about and taking care of Mom , it is perfectly normal for me to need time to , basically , recover from the long - term tension - she called it burnout or compassion fatigue . So I 've graduated from therapy for now , but I haven 't yet managed to put every bit of worry and anxiety behind me . Both the blog and therapy were associated with the difficult time I was having a year ago as Mom 's caregiver . I was suffering in a variety of ways , and it was as if I became aware of them all at once . I had a fair amount of work to do FOR Mom while she was still in assisted living , and the list of things to do seemed to be growing all the time . One cat had died in December , leaving Mom first horribly sad and then more confused than ever . Managing Christmas felt like nothing but a burden for me . Mom 's finances were running low . I knew lots of change was on the horizon with regard to her living situation , and that made me very anxious . And I felt so alone , and strangely almost neglected , and I didn 't even realize it . People would ask about Mom , and I would give the standard report : She is hanging in there . But I recall breaking down in tears while at lunch with friends , admitting I was devastated that people rarely asked me how I was doing . That was a turning point - I needed outlets for those kinds of emotions . And I heard some interesting feedback about my needs : I needed to talk about them , to make them known . Because sometimes , a friend told me , with caregiving , people who aren 't doing it just don 't know what a caregiver endures . That made sense , and it was something I hadn 't considered , being so wrapped up in myself at the time . But I was also afraid to express my needs at first , for fear that I wouldn 't get what I was hoping for in return . And it was embarrassing to admit that one thing , a major thing , that I needed was for people to ask me how I was doing . It seemed so selfish . But it was important . I am rich now in expressions of support for what I do for and with Mom . And I appreciate it so much . And the writing of the blog has functioned as additional therapy , as a way to process events and reflect on time I spend with Mom . And that has given me the chance to undergo a whole different kind of recovery . When Mom was first showing signs of illness , I was so angry , so full of resentment , so oComfort Posted January 23 , 2010 Filed under : Here and now | Comments ( 5 ) Today has been all about comfort . I skipped my morning exercise class and enjoyed hanging out longer than usual on a Saturday morning . I decided to take Mom to lunch , meaning I didn 't have to leave the house until about 11 a . m . I maintained a leisurely pace , read the paper , had two cups of coffee instead of one . When I arrived at the Alz center , Mom was lying on a couch in the lobby . When I got around the couch to look at her , her eyes were open . She sat up . " It 's a miracle , " she said . I hugged her . She seemed like she might not be completely with it , like perhaps she had momentarily opened her eyes but could use more sleep . I sat next to her and said I wanted to take her to lunch if it sounded OK with her . " I want to , " she said . I took her to her room to put a long - sleeved shirt on her and some socks and to get her coat . While I signed her out at the nursing station , an aide buttoned up her shirt and coat so she would be warm . On our way down the hall toward the lobby , another aide stopped to give Mom a hug . This staff , I tell you , they express so much affection for the residents . I said to Mom , " There seems to be a lot of hugging go on around here . " And she said , " Just the normal amount . " And that was probably true . The normal amount is a lot . We went to Bob Evans . Mom didn 't seem interested in eggs , so I suggested meatloaf with mashed potatoes and green beans . I told her I was going to have chicken pot pie and a salad - comfort food with a small side of greens . That seemed interesting to her . So I ordered chicken and noodles and french fries for her . She said she didn 't like salad . And a Coke . While we waited for lunch to arrive , Mom occasionally got a little confused about the pictures on one remaining menu and her placemat , thinking they might be the food she was supposed to eat . I kept telling her we had to wait until the food was ready . My salad arrived first . I didn 't want to eat before she could , so I offered her a cherry tomato . She bit into it and grimaced . I 've said this before - Mom used to love tomatoes . Just loved them . I offered her croutons instead and she seemed to like them . " They 're loud , " she said . When the food arrived , her chicken and noodles were in a bowl on a plate , the french fries were on another plate , and I put a biscuit on a third plate in front of her . I think this arrangement was confusing for her . She would pick up a spoon , and then a fork , and not be sure what to do . She 'd pick up a french fry and put it on the chicken - and - noodles plate . Eventually , she got the hang of it . I put ice cubes in her chicken and noodles because it was hot . She enjoyed the french fries . She said , " I hope they don 't mind I 'm using my hands . " I told her that 's how everyone eats french fries . She used a fork to take a bite out of her biscuit . " I forget how to eat , " she said . I told her that wasn 't true , that she was doing fine . She picked up her chicken and noodles bowl several times to drink the broth . I considered that successful problem - solving on her part . She drank almost two Cokes and burped several times . Dog / cat was with us , and on our way out , a woman passing by started teasing her about the puppy - in a very playful and gentle way . " You can 't have that puppy , " she said . " It 's too cute . WhWe then went to K - Mart because I was obsessed with getting Mom some more pants . We found two pairs of cotton pants with pockets , one gray pair and one bright magenta pair . I picked up some fuzzy socks for her and a brush and comb set . Mom complained that her back hurt - something she had said was bothering her earlier , while we waited for our table at the restaurant . I massaged her back a little bit while we were waiting at Bob Evans . I used to give her shoulder rubs all the time when we lived alone , during my teen years , and I thought about that while I gently pressed on her lower back . I asked her if it felt OK . " Yeah , I like this , " she said . So at K - Mart , since it was hurting her again , I decided we ought to just get back to the Alz center . When we returned , we went to her room and Mom plopped onto her bed immediately and kicked off her pink Crocs . I wrote her name on her new items and removed all the tags and hung up her new pants . We had been together for two hours . She was exhausted , I think . I was a little tired , too , but feeling good about our visit . " I 'm too old , " she said . " I am so old . " This was because I was remarking that she must be tired . She didn 't seem upset about this - just stating a fact . I kissed her goodbye . " I 'm ready to sleep , " she said . Filed under : Here and now | Comments ( 2 ) With the three - day weekend , I have had in mind since Friday , my last visit , that I would visit Mom today , Monday . I considered taking Mom out to lunch , but didn 't get my act together early enough to do that . I also wanted Patrick to come with me , to see if we could either fix Mom 's little chest of drawers or replace them . It was not a huge project , but I wanted him to come . It looked this morning like he might not make it , and I was trying to go with the flow , but he could tell I was disappointed , I think . He decided he 'd come with me and then have me drop him off at a park so he could get a good run in , running home from the park . I was glad he did that . I can 't articulate why I want him to come with me sometimes , but I do . I think it takes the loneliness edge off of the visits . Even though I am surrounded by people when I visit Mom , sometimes I still feel like the act of visiting itself is a lonely endeavor . Mom was sitting at a table with a few unfamiliar faces - young people , most wearing red shirts . The activities director told me Ohio State students had come to visit residents as their community service project for Martin Luther King Day . I wanted to hug all of those students . Community service wasn 't as big a deal when I was a college student as it is now , but I am fairly aware of what kinds of things students do now as part of my job in the university communications area . But even after having promoted these student service activities at OSU , I don 't know if I would have realized that visiting Alzheimer 's patients might make the list . I went up to a group of about four kids and said , " As an OSU employee and a daughter , I want to thank you for making this your service project . " One young man said to me , " It 's been great . " I also thanked the student sitting with Mom , and apologized for taking Mom away from her . She had plenty of others to talk to . She was very sweet . I wanted Mom to come into her room with Patrick and me while we rearranged her stuff . Mom sat on her bed while I emptied the drawers in her room . I bought two clear plastic bins to replace them . I 'm through with drawers , between the buffet falling apart and this small chest of drawers also proving defective after just a short time . The buffet frame is still in Mom 's room , serving as a surface for photos and stuffed animals . Underneath , where there used to be two large buffet drawers , there is a big gap . And now the bins are under there . It doesn 't look as bad as it sounds . And it doesn 't look as bad as it did when the buffet drawers were off track and falling apart . This is an old piece of furniture that I guess still has sentimental value for all of us kids , though I am losing affection for it these days … I also took a box out of the bottom of Mom 's closet , which was full of clothes . And I brought those clothes home to wash because they have never been picked up off of the floor . It is quite possible Mom was responsible for the mess . Probable , really . But it has bothered me that the clothes were never hung up or washed . So I am finally fixing this thing that has felt like a problem to me for awhile . I also noticed , with chagrin , that Mom has very few pairs of pants hanging in her closet , and only one pair was among the pile of clothes on the floor . I forgot to put her name on the two pairs I got her for Christmas , and they were gone . I was getting fretful during this part of the visit . Patrick was encouraging me not to worry . And Mom said , " I 've told you before that I don 't have enough clothes . " And I said , with a frown , " I know . " And she said , " I 'm just kidding . " Patrick really liked that , that she joked with me about that topic at that time . I wasn 't as tickled by it , but it was interesting that she was aware enough to make the joke . Most of the time , she doesn 't even know that she has a closet full of clothes or a room of her own in the building . Mom was in very good spirits . When I arrived , she came up to hug me and said she was so glad to see me . And then she said , " Give me another hug , " and we hugged for a second time . She was also chipper on Friday , when I visited shortly before lunch . She was sitting in a large circle in the program area , where an activity was just finishing up . The activities director and a volunteer both told me that Mom had been dancing a lot earlier in the morning . I sat next to her in the circle , and music was playing more loudly than usual . Mom clapped her hands , and so did I . She has become fascinated with clapping - I think she likes the tingle that it makes in her hands , and how certain claps are louder than others . I should consider this a life lesson she is teaching me : there is pleasure to be found in something as simple as clapping my hands . Filed under : Here and now | Comments ( 4 ) Let 's see . Today is Jan . 14 . And I was told today , by the pharmacy that provides Mom 's drugs at the Alz center , that Medicaid is not covering her prescription medications because she is not enrolled in a Medicare D plan . This is the first I have heard about any such requirement . I applied for Medicaid on June 22 . I was in touch with the case worker on a regular basis until Mom was approved in , god , I can 't even remember anymore , I think October . Mom has been receiving meds from this company since the end of August . As far as I know , the pharmacy that provided Mom 's meds at the other nursing home , for just the two weeks , was paid by Medicaid . The word has always been that Medicaid covers prescription drugs in nursing homes . And today I 'm told something different . I realize Medicare D exists , but I never enrolled Mom because her retirement insurance provided good prescription drug coverage while I was paying those bills . I don 't know , I hate to be cynical , but it strikes me as a racket that one government program won 't cover medication unless the recipient is enrolled in another government program . The pharmacy has continued to send me bills for the drugs , after I left a voice mail two months ago and then sent a letter last month indicating that the company should bill Medicaid at the number I provided . My efforts to correspond have been ignored until today , when the company decided that the balance is too high to ignore any longer . It 's $ 4 , 450 . 84 . The woman I talked to when I called the company back actually said : " The balance is $ 4 , 400 , and if it goes any higher , I don 't know what 's going to happen . " Is that some way of threatening me ? My response was : " My mother does not have any money , as you might be aware since she is on Medicaid . " The woman advised me to work with the facility to see if I can get Mom enrolled in a Medicare D program . Then she transferred me to the voice mail of the employee who handles this account , where I informed the voiIronically , today is my blogiversary . I posted my first entry on Jan . 14 , 2009 . I 've been reflecting on the past year a lot in anticipation of writing a post about how much things have changed regarding Mom . And how steady things seem to be now . I guess that 's what I get for becoming complacent - a call from the pharmacy company trying to collect $ 4 , 500 from me . Lesson learned : If I decide to relax about caregiving and find myself worrying a lot less about Mom , something will surely come along for me to worry about . Filed under : Here and now | Leave a comment Tonight at my support group meeting , I began talking to a woman sitting next to me about her mother , who also lives at the Alz center . It was a marathon night , with lots of newcomers with difficult stories to tell and in need of advice . So the four of us whose moms are at the center spoke just briefly , since we have many of our hardest decisions behind us - taking the car keys away , gently fibbing to get around some of the harsh truths of the disease , moving parents or spouses to a higher level of care . Those kinds of things . I did a lot of mindless nodding tonight , listening to and relating to what people are going through . And I am so glad I am not going through it , too . So this woman and I were talking about our moms after the meeting . " I know Bonnie , " she said . I unfortunately don 't think I know her mother , or at least not very well . But I will look for her now , and always greet her by name . I like for the residents to think they have lots of familiar and friendly people in their lives . Apparently Mom always greets this woman as if she recognizes her . For all I know , she does . She visits her mother frequently , so she is at the center almost every day . She went on to tell me about the first time she met my mom . Mom was sitting next to a much older resident on a couch . Mom is only 72 , and she is indeed much younger than many of the center residents . And she 's very mobile . Plus , on this day Mom had her purse with her , and several bracelets on her wrist . " I was sure she was a visitor , " this woman said . " So I asked her if she was here visiting her mother . " Mom didn 't seem to understand at first . " Isn 't this your mother ? " she asked , about the older woman sitting next to Mom . And Mom replied , " Not as far as I know . " That struck me as very funny . She repeated it for emphasis : " Not as far as I know , " slowly shaking her head . I can just imagine Mom saying that . And not being upset by it in the slightest . Words and pictures Posted January 11 , 2010 Filed under : Here and now | Leave a comment Mom is officially enrolled in a new research project , her first in about two years . She participated in two drug clinical trials , one of which ended early for her when the nurses at the assisted living facility neglected to administer the experimental drug for more than two weeks - a bummer for the doctor running the study . But it 's water under the bridge now , the result of a misunderstanding . I later learned by reading a news article that the drug in the second trial was determined to not be helpful to Alzheimer 's patients . Sad news , but still important to know . This new study is very different . I will assemble two memory posters that contain pictures of important people from Mom 's life , including Mom herself . One poster will have photos only . The second will include text that accompanies each picture - more than just names , but a little sentence describing the role the photographed person / people had in Mom 's life . The researcher , from Ohio State , aims to find out whether the added words contribute to dementia patients ' understanding of what they 're looking at . In Mom 's case , I really don 't know what to expect in terms of her comprehension . Even though she still talks pretty well , she doesn 't really seem to have much understanding of what is going on around her , and she certainly seems to have no solid memories from any part of her past . I sat in on the researcher 's first meeting with Mom . I missed part of it while I ran to get Mom a jacket because she was cold in the Alz center conference room . When I got back , the researcher was asking Mom to read a sentence on a piece of paper and then follow the instructions implied in the sentence . " Close your eyes , " Mom read . But she could not comprehend that she should close her own eyes . The researcher showed Mom a drawing of two interlocked boxes and asked Mom to draw the same picture . Mom drew a single box . She asked Mom to describe what she saw in various pictures . " A house , " Mom said . " I don 't know her , " she said about the next one . " It 's a woman , " the researcher said . At one point , the researcher asked Mom to read something on the page in front of her and Mom said , " Goodbye . " That is not what the paper said . I think Mom was just about fed up with the questions . In fact , Mom was just a little disagreeable throughout . She has never liked the mental testing that has gone along with her illness . The researcher said that is common . She knows not to take anything personally . The researcher then just tried to chat with Mom a little bit . She asked Mom if she had any children . " I don 't think so , " Mom said . She pointed to me and indicated she knows I belong to her , but she has not really understood our relationship for some time . " Did you go to college ? " the researcher asked . " No , I don 't think I did , " Mom replied . " Did you meet a sweetheart at some point and get married ? " " No , " Mom said . I was squirming with all the inaccuracies . Mom has a bachelor 's in social work . She was married for 11 years . I am one of her three children . But the researcher said Mom 's responses were not really important - she was just gauging whether Mom can converse and understand that questions she was being asked were intended to have a response of some kind . " Did you have any brothers or sisters ? " " A sister and a brother , " Mom said . This might be the closest thing to corA nice thing about this study is that Mom will be visited a few times by a young student who will tape - record her discussions with Mom about the posters . The tape recordings will be analyzed to determine differences in Mom 's comprehension of the pictures . Mom will enjoy the visits , I 'm sure , as long as they don 't feel like tests . Beautiful Bonnie Posted January 8 , 2010 Filed under : Here and now , Looking back | Comments ( 9 ) A coworker told me today I had gone too long between posts on this blog . What a lift that was , to know someone is actually looking for my updates . I 'm going to see Mom tomorrow morning - I 'm enrolling her in a new research project , but very different from any drug clinical trial . I 'll explain more once I know more after I meet with the researcher and her student . For tonight , one of my favorite photos of Mom . When we moved her to the first nursing home in August , we came across lots of loose pictures and photo albums . Mom has one scrapbook that contains several old 8 x 10 black - and - white photos from her youth . We all admired this one - my sister and nieces , brother and brother - in - law . I can only guess what Mom might be looking at in the picture , and what year it might be ( early ' 60s ? ) . I feel safe in assuming the photographer was my dad . I 've always imagined it was taken in the morning . Filed under : Here and now | Leave a comment The holidays are over , and it 's time to establish a new routine for visits to Mom . I haven 't taken advantage of extra time on weekends for the past several weeks to visit her because I devoted that time to shopping , or knitting a gift , or writing Christmas cards , whatever . I was able to keep myself on a pretty comfortable holiday schedule that way , which helped me enjoy the whole season more than I did last year . My brother visited Mom on Tuesday . I thought that today I ought to check in on her , just to see how she was doing . I arrived shortly before lunch . I chatted with the receptionist for a bit , but felt an urge to get back to the program area since the lunch hour was closing in . I walked back and looked around . She wasn 't at any of the usual tables , with her usual lady friends . I spotted her slumped over in an easy chair in the lounge area closest to her room . I stood and looked at her from a distance for a moment to make sure she was breathing . I have found her asleep before , but usually stretched out on a couch . I had never seen her like this . I put my coat and purse on another easy chair . I found an empty chair at a table and pulled it over so it was right next to Mom and I sat down . I pulled myself a little closer and just looked at her . She had on her pink Crocs with no socks - on such a cold day , I was surprised by this . But it is not cold inside . She had on blue pants and a blue turtleneck with little flower decorations on it . She was wearing her usual collection of bracelets , including some that had gone missing for awhile . She was no longer wearing the rosary she had been wearing on the day we gave her gifts . That had surprised both Jeff and me , but then again , nothing is a surprise . But Mom is not Catholic , so the rosary was a little more unusual than most unusual things . I put my hand on Mom 's leg , gently . She didn 't stir . I took it away and just sat . I touched her hair , and stroked her head a little bit . Nothing . It occurred to me that if she woke up from sleeping this deeply , she 'd probably be very confused and disoriented by my presence . And with lunch on its way , I didn 't want her to feel rushed , or discombobulated . So I got up to leave . I felt sad about it - a missed opportunity to have a visit . I thought to myself that I would like to take her to lunch sometime in the next week or so , when it 's not quite as cold outside . But mostly I would like not to find her asleep like this again anytime soon . There 's no reason to make a big deal of it . She may never fall asleep in that chair again . But slumped over like that , she looked more like an advanced Alzheimer 's patient than she typically does . And I didn 't particularly like that . Archives |
No matter where we walked , Sky and I always seemed to be getting closer to the top of the skyscraper . Even walking down the stairs somehow made us get higher up . The more floors we climbed , the weirder stuff got . I 've started hearing what sounds like people whispering all around me , and the fog sometimes seems to be reaching for us with smoky hands . And there are points where the office floors are so covered in branches and water that it almost feels like we 're walking through a forest . When we went through one door that should have led back to the stairwell , we instead found ourselves in a long hallway . Apart from the door at the end , the hallway was completely empty . It didn 't have a single one of the swamp like features that fill the rest of the place . We went through the door , and came out in Truth 's office . It was remarkably unchanged from since the last time I 'd been in there . Like the hallway we 'd come from , it hadn 't undergone the transformation like the rest of the building had . Not that I could make a comparison at the time , because when I turned around to check , the door we 'd come through had vanished . There was no sign of Truth in the room , but the big painting of Yggdrasil that had been behind his desk was off the wall , revealing a large metal door that had been covered by it . The door looked really heavy and secure , but it had been left open a crack . With nothing else to do , I pulled the door open the rest of the way , and looked inside . That resulted in me getting two guns pointed at my face . Holding them were two of Truth 's guards , and sitting behind them was Truth . T : " Well this is an unexpected turn of events . Bring them inside . " The guards grabbed Sky and me , and pulled us through the door . Unlike the richly decorated office , this room resembled a bunker , with gray concrete walls and extremely utilitarian looking bunks . There was a small kitchen to one side , and a very Spartan looking bathroom in the corner . It was clearly a place designed purely for survival . T : " Hello , Sky anPosted by After getting through that last floor , our situation seemed to calm down . We still had to deal with the shifting geography of the building , or climbing around the tree branches that seemed to be growing everywhere , but nothing was actively trying to kill us . Even Arkady started acting a little less like an jerk . I only had to expect a few condescending remarks over the course of the day instead of an unending stream of them . He 'd even started including Sky beating that tree thing to death into his collection of stories , which means we finally get the occasional break from him talking about himself . Although I noticed he seemed to double the number of things she kills with each retelling . He even occasionally let us talk during story time . I 'd never imagined Arkady being interested in people other than himself . A lot of his conversation felt like he was just going through the motions of making small talk , but he did seem genuinely invested when Sky talked about her early days with the Boss . Which surprised me , since all those stories were things he should have already read on my blog . I asked him about that , and his answer wasn 't really what I 'd been expecting . A : " Two reasons . One , it gives the impression of empathy and investment in her wellbeing . " D : " Why would you care about that ? " A : " I 've generally found it to be a smart idea to stay on the good side of people who have shown themselves capable of bashing skulls in . The second reason is that I can get more information through body language and tone than I was just able to get through text alone . " D : " That still doesn 't explain why you of all people would suddenly care about something that has to do with another person . A : * Shrug * " The two of you have managed to become significantly more interesting in the time you 've spent away from your usual slave roles . Interesting enough to make me a little curious about the mysteries behind that girl . I can 't be the only one to have noticed how different her story is from the rest of you proxiePosted by Possibly one of the worst floors we 've been on . For once I 'm grateful Arkady 's going over this before it posts . As much as my hands are shaking , it 's going to need some serious editing . There was a lot more mist on this floor than on the others . I could see about a foot in front of me , and everything else was dark . Occasionally the lightning outside would let me see dim outlines of shapes through the fog , but that was it . Sky absolutely refused to go in , and Arkady puts enough trust in her intuition that he didn 't want to risk it . But given that the stairs above us were blocked by rubble , the only ways to continue going up would be either to backtrack until we found an alternate route , or try climbing the outside again . Neither of which sounded like good ideas . Being stuck there gave me a little bit of hope ; since Arkady seemed dead set on waiting until we reached the top of the building before killing either of us , not being able to progress any further might have meant we 'd get to live . Of course , the building had other plans . While we waited for Arkady to finish pacing as he tried to come up with a plan , the staircase we were on started shaking . Further down , a tree was growing up the stairwell , smashing apart everything in its way . Even with my misgivings toward the mist covered room across the door , it quickly started looking like a better alternative to waiting and being killed by the tree . I shouted a warning , and then jumped through the door . Arkady threw Sky across , and then jumped right before the stairs fell away . Once all three of us were inside , the fog grew much thicker . I quickly lost sight of Arkady and Sky , and soon couldn 't see anything around me at all . I called for them , but there was no reply . I walked forward , calling Sky as I went , and occasionally stumbling over a desk . A flash of lightning illuminated a silhouette of someone standing in front of me . It was too tall to be Sky , so I assumed it was Arkady . As I was starting to say his name , the person tackled me . When we hit the groPosted by Arkady 's long winded monologue didn 't help us with getting off that floor . There didn 't seem to be an end everywhere . Even with rest breaks , the walking was wearing Sky and Me down . Adrenaline quickly replaced that exhaustion when Sky froze and said , " We need to get out of here . " She didn 't go into specifics , but it wasn 't hard to infer what she was talking about . It had been dark inside the building ever since the storm clouds came in . But now the shadows were becoming darker , and growing longer . It looked like they were moving , slowly covering the room in a wall of blackness . Arkady grabbed a paperweight from a desk and tossed it into the shadows . I waited for the sound of it hitting the ground , but there was nothing . Like it had just disappeared . A : " Well , that certainly doesn 't look like a friendly development . " We ran to the window , where there was more light . The shadows continued spreading toward us , leaving everything in darkness . I tried being rational , telling myself that it was just darkness , that it couldn 't hurt me , but that was a failure at reassurance . Normal darkness does not move on its own . Nor does it swallow up all light around it like a black hole . Further down , the window was broken by a tree that had grown through it . Arkady ran over to check it out , and said we could climb it to another floor . I was strongly against that idea , because climbing up the side of a skyscraper is a terrible plan . But I didn 't get a chance to argue for long ; Sky was so panicked by the darkness that she practically jumped through the window and started climbing up as fast as she could . I had to climb after he , and Arkady quickly followed me . This was one of those times where I hate being right , because climbing that tree was a horrible idea . The storm was worse than it had looked from the inside . The black rain was coming down so hard it was difficult to breathe without swallowing it , and the wind felt like it was trying to blow me off . At least there was too much fog below us for me to see how Posted by We slept for the " night " in the stairwell , until I was woken up by what sounded like someone doing pushups . When I opened my eyes , yes , Arkady was doing pushups . After watching him for a while , Sky tried imitating him , but couldn 't do a single one . She looked really upset about that , until I told her that I probably couldn 't do any either . Being a desk slave doesn 't help with fitness . Instead , we just ate a small breakfast while Arkady finished up his workout . A : " Alright . Let 's get moving . " I 'd been hoping he would take longer . The more time we spend down here , the longer before we reach the top . And I don 't want to think about what 's going to happen when we get there . My concern made me drift off as I tried thinking of a solution , so I didn 't realize anything was wrong until Arkady stopped walking . A : " Well . This is weird . " It took me a moment to notice what he was talking about . And when I saw it … . The stairs we were walking on were going sideways . And when I looked up , the stairway continued to twist around at impossible angles . Imagine an Escher painting , but without the limitations of a 2D image . A : " Kid , you getting any feeling that everything 's about to explode at us ? " * Sky shook her head * A : " Hm . I still don 't like this . We 're getting off the stairs . " We went through the next door out of the stairwell . I tried to check the floor number , but couldn 't make it out ; the numbers painted over the door just looked like a white blur . We went through the door , and found the floor on the other side to be far larger than any room in the building should have been . Rows of cubicles stretched on and on , seemingly past the horizon . A : " Looks like it 'll take a while to walk through here … . " That was certainly true . We walked for hours , without any indication that we were getting closer to the end . After a while , my legs started cramping up . Endurance is not something I am built for . But I knew there was no way Arkady would be willing to stop . Sky was having similar problems , and Posted by After we got to the stairs , Arkady said we should stop so Sky and I could rest . Though I suspect it was really more for his own sake , given how much he was bleeding . ( Lies and slander . - Arkady ) The stairways seem to be the least changed part of the building , making them the safest place to rest . " Safe " being a bit relative , now that the clouds are blocking the sun , and the only outside light is from the occasional lightning bolt . If Arkady didn 't have a flashlight , I don 't doubt I would have tripped on the stairs , and probably broken my neck . When we stopped on a landing to rest , Arkady started bandaging himself , giving me the chance to talk to Sky . She was staring at Arkady , with a blank expression and her head tilted slightly to the side . I don 't think she noticed me when I came over , because she jumped a little when I tapped her shoulder . D : " You okay ? " S : " Yes … . " * She started rubbing her wrists , where the branches had grabbed her . * D : " Don 't worry . We won 't let you be taken away . " S : “… You won 't ? " D : " No . I 'll get you out of here . " * She leaned her head against me , and I put my arm around her . That was the first chance I got to really look at her hair after Arkady had cut it off . It looked as messy and uneven as you would expect from being hastily cut by a knife . Although , considering how much of a mess her hair usually was , it actually was a bit of an improvement . * D : " You know , I think you actually look good with short hair . " * I wasn 't expecting that comment to cause her as much excitement as it did . * S : " Really ? You think so ? You really really think so ? " D : " Well … yeah . I mean , if I had a pair of scissors so I could even it out … . " * Arkady looked over at us , and I realized he 'd been listeing . * A : " Seriously ? We 're in an office building and you don 't think you can get scissors ? " * He walked out of the stairwell . A few moments later , he came back in a threw a pair of scissors at my feet . * A : " There . Have fun . " D : “… Are you seriously letting your Posted by The locked door that had prevented us from getting to the stairs ended up not being a challenge for Arkady . I was worried that we 'd just take the stairs all the way to the top floor and he 'd kill Sky , but three stories up we ran into an obstacle . A huge black branch had grown right through that part of the building , wrecking the stairs above us . When Arkady saw there was no way around it , he said we 'd be crossing the floor to the other stairwell . This floor was different from the others I 'd seen . All the ones before had looked like part of the regular office building , only abandoned . This one looked as if the swamp outside had been leaking in . The ground was covered in a thin mist , and dead trees dotted the floor . The whole place smelled like something was rotting in it . Arkady was completely unfazed by the floor 's appearance . What actually surprised him was Sky 's and my reaction to it . A : " What do you mean , this is the first time you 've seen this ? Every floor 's been like this , except for the cafeteria and weird empty one I found you two on . " D : " Everything we 've seen has just looked like an empty office building . " A : " Seriously ? … . . You really are being serious . " * He looked upward and shook his fist * " Damn it Slendy , for me every moment in this place has the entire building is trying to kill me , but you let them take the easy route ? " * He looked back at us * " Here I was , assuming that you were both amazing survivalists , and now I find out that all you 've had to do was walk around an empty , harmless building . " * He pulled out a chair from one of the desks , snapping the roots that were holding it , and sat down . * " Alright then . Since it would seem that you don 't know the basics of surviving in this wonderful little hellhole , we need to establish some ground rules . First off , you will do exactly as I say . Unless I say something stupid . You should probably ignore that . If you see something suspicious , don 't touch it . If you hear a weird noise , don 't investigate it . In fact , jPosted by We had set up a really makeshift camp amongst the cubicles to use as a home while we tried to figure out how to escape . Manton wanted to check out the rest of the floor while we worked at making the " camp . " Going alone kinda seemed like a dumb idea to me , but he was the one giving orders at the time . Plus he was the most familiar with the building . Just me , Sky , Valar , Fox , and Nightgaunt was awkward . Valar tried to make small talk , but most of us were still reeling from everything that had been happening . And it 's not as if there were a lot of things we could have small talk about . I had expected Nightgaunt would be right at home , what with him being an insane creeper , but he seemed to be the jumpiest out of all of us . We had been waiting for several minutes when fog started to roll in around us . It happened slowly , so we didn 't notice it until Manton came running back , shouting at us to pack up and get out of there . A wall of fog followed him , completely obscuring the office . He didn 't have to shout at us twice . I grabbed Sky 's hand , and ran . And then I immediately tripped and fell on my face . Roots were growing out of the floor , and spreading along the cubicles . Sky helped pull me up before they could wrap around me , and we started running again . When I looked back again , Manton had vanished in the fog . The other three had reached the stairwell before us , and were trying to open the door . It wasn 't any use ; the door was locked . I started looking around for some other escape , but the fog was too thick to see more than a few feet . Then , at the very edge of the fog , I saw the door to a janitor 's closet . I pointed it out to the others , and we were about to make a break for it , when a tall , thin silhouette appeared in the fog . Everyone started shouting or screaming , and Fox drew a pistol . I tried to tell at her to stop , but my voice was drowned out by all the other noise . She opened fire , and when the bullets hit the silhouette … it collapsed . We all became completely silent . I knew what I 'd just seen Posted by Since going to the cafeteria ended up backfiring , I was starting to get worried about our food situation . It had been over a day since any of us had last eaten , and the only place where we knew we could get food was guarded by Arkady . Then a few minutes ago , a backpack was tossed up the stairwell onto our floor . I looked down the stairs , but only caught a glimpse of them before they went out another door . A note had been attached to the bag , and Manton read it aloud to us . " Don 't starve to death . That would be boring . Sincerely , Arkady Ivanovich Svidrigailov . " Inside were several cans of food , bottles of water , and a can opener . If I hadn 't been so hungry , I might have been more concerned about it maybe being a trap . But none of us really thought about that ; we got a can open , and started eating . Cold beans . Not a very good meal . But it was still food . And since I 'm not collapsing and dying , I don 't think it was poisoned . But in the end , the food is only a temporary relief . Because that note implied Arkady had other plans for us , and I really don 't want to find out what those plans are . Even after our last disaster , we still needed to eat . So our trip to the cafeteria continued . With Ahriman dead , another proxy took over leadership . I don 't really know who it was ; he was from outside the circle of people I interacted with , so I 'd never met him . Lepidus probably would have known his name . There weren 't any more encounters on the way down . It actually didn 't take that long to reach the cafeteria ; after we took a few minutes for everyone to relax , the trip was mostly a straight shot . The cafeteria didn 't have any window to let the red sun in , and the electricity was still out , so it was pitch black inside . A few proxies with flashlights went ahead to light the way for us . The inside was just creepy . You never realize how cavernous a cafeteria can be until you try to navigate one in near total darkness . There were no signs of any people inside , but several of the tables looked like they had been moved from their original positions . We went straight back for the kitchen , where all the food would be stored . A lot of us were hungry enough that we might have just charged in if whoever it was who was in charge hadn 't organized everyone into a line . My stomach wasn 't happy with the idea of having to wait , but it made sense . I got stuck toward the back of the line , so almost everyone was already inside the kitchen by the time I got near . But before I could go inside , Sky started tugging on my arm , until she pulled me out of line . Manton had been watching Sky carefully , and when she got out , he took his team out of the line as well . The people behind us didn 't complain , and moved up to take our spots . D : " Manton , what 's going on ? " M : " I don 't know , but that girl 's been remarkably good at predicting whenever something bad was about to happen . If she doesn 't want to go in there , we 're not going in there . " He was right about that . I started looking around to try to see what was coming , but with the flashlights inside the kitchen , the rest of the cafeteria was black . The rest of the lPosted by I remember my first day as a proxy . Ahriman sent someone to pick me up from the bridge I 'd been sleeping under , and drove me to the apartment . I didn 't say anything the whole drive over . I think I was too scared of what was going to happen to me . The blogs I 'd read all seemed to say that proxies were usually insane killers , and Ahriman 's rabid devotion to the Boss hadn 't done a lot to dispel that impression . A part of me was convinced that the moment I stepped inside that apartment I 'd be jumped by a man with a knife and a mask , and then eaten alive . Instead , Lepidus greeted me when I entered . He tried to make everything seem as normal as he could for me , and let me settle in . Like I was just moving into a new apartment with a regular job , instead of becoming the employee of a monster that kills people . He was the one who kept the whole place together . He was always willing to look at both sides of a conflict , and figure out a solution that we could all agree with . He never raised his voice , no matter how unreasonable we were being . And he would always chat with his patients , after they woke up . For some of them , I think he was the first friendly face they 'd seen since becoming a proxy . Once , he told me about how he 'd performed for a community theater when he was younger , before he became overwhelmed by his hospital duties . He always loved the theater , even after he became a proxy . He almost never could attend any performances , but whenever an adaptation got released onto Netflix , he 'd get us together and we 'd watch it . I never imagined he 'd be gone . He was the only piece of stability we had in our lives . I just assumed that he 'd always be there for me . This wasn 't how I pictured things happening . He didn 't deserve this … . There was no way to tell when night came , but eventually we had to go to sleep . A part of me was wishing that when I woke up , everything would be fixed . It wasn 't , but it wasn 't a very realistic hope anyway . The temperature had plummeted while I was asleep . We didn 't have anything to accurately measure it , but I would guess it was in the 50s . Much cooler than a summer in Arizona should be . Although I would have worried more about that if I wasn 't so hungry ; now that the adrenaline from the change was wearing off , I was realizing it had been hours since I 'd had anything to eat . I wasn 't the only one feeling that way . Upon waking up , there were a lot of proxies looking to see if anyone had brought any food with them . Even if any of them had , it wouldn 't have been enough to feed us all . After seeing the food situation , Ahriman started trying to organize a solution . Manton said that the building had a cafeteria on the floor below us , which was well stocked enough to last a group our size a few days . While some of us were concerned about the dangers we might encounter along the way , Ahriman decided that we 'd move to the cafeteria and use it as a base until we figured out how to resolve the situation . It didn 't take long for everyone to gather what little we had and start moving . Manton led , since he knew the layout of the building . Ahriman was off to the side of the group , talking with Lepidus so they could " discuss how to ration the medical supplies we have . " It was a little surprising to realize that , with all the casualties we 've suffered , Lepidus was the only trained doctor we had with us . I tried moving closer so I could overhear some of their conversation , but Sky grabbed my arm and pulled me away . D : " What 's the matter , Sky ? " She only shook her head . I asked her again , but she still didn 't say anything . I would have pressed the question , but then I realized everyone had gotten very quiet . When I looked back at Ahriman and Lepidus , the Boss was standing by them . Shadows bent around him Posted by Ahriman got a call from one of the scouting teams a few minutes ago . Even though I wasn 't near Ahriman , I could still hear the shrieking noises coming from his phone . I don 't know what happened , but it 's safe to say they 're gone . After he got that call , Ahriman called the remaining groups and told them to come back . One team came back quickly , confused as to what was going on . The team who 'd gone to the front entrance arrived soon after . Well , one of the people from the team did . We 're not entirely sure how he got back ; he just suddenly showed up , unconscious and covered in blood . There 's been no word from anyone else , no matter how much Ahriman calls them . I want to think that it 's just because something is blocking our communications , but I know it 's probably something much worse … . For me , it 's only been a few hours since my last post , but I felt like making this one as well . I don 't know how long it 's been on the outside . Apparently Fracture 's going to take control of Phoenix in a week . Took control of Phoenix in a week . Whatever , stupid tenses . Given our current state , I can 't really complain . I 've been doing a little talking around while we waited for the scouting teams to report back . Much as I loathed doing so , I did have a short conversation with Ahriman , so I could ask him where he 'd learned to fight like he had against Arkady . Ah : " Bosnia . 1992 to 1995 . " I have absolutely no idea how anyone is supposed to respond to that answer , so I let him get back to coordinating things . It almost makes me wish I had also interviewed him about his past before this . Almost . Lepidus was busy doing attending to the wounded , so I was only able to talk to him for a little while . A lot of proxies are hurt , but most of the injuries are minor . Unfortunately , that 's because none of the proxies with major injuries were able to make it to us . D : " So what happened there ? " L : " I wish I knew . I 've never seen anything like this , and no one I 've talked to has either . I thought it might be the Path of Black Leaves , but it doesn 't match the descriptions I 've read . Too many colors , and there aren 't any leaves on the trees or ground . Maybe Truth knows more , but no one 's heard from him . " * Lepidus had to splint a broken arm , but once he finished he started talking again . * L : " How are you holding up ? " D : " I 'll be fine . I 'm just a little shocked . What about you ? " L : " I 'm too busy right now to worry much . I expect as soon as I run out of patients I 'll start panicking , but I 'll deal with that when it comes . " * He stared out a window at the swamp for a few moments . * " I keep looking for familiar faces amongst my patients , but I 'm not finding many . We won 't be able to get an official count anytime soon , but I think we lost two or three dozen people down there . I 've nPosted by I 've managed to regroup with several surviving proxies . I was happy to see Lepidus and Sky amongst them ; less happy to see Ahriman , even if he 's the reason I was able to find the group . As soon as he figured out our internet and phones still work , he 's been sending out calls and emails to as many proxies as possible to try and get everyone back together . I got an email from him not long after my first post went up , asking if I was alive . Once that was confirmed , he gave me directions to reach where we were gathering . That process has been slowed a bit by the unreliability of our electronics , though . The internet 's still as bad as before , and our phone reception is horrible . My recorder 's finally working again , but there 's a constant chittering background noise whenever I try to pick something up with it . And sometimes , everyone 's equipment will suddenly stop working for a bit without any explanation we can find . It 's been making coordination a bit more haphazard than we 'd like . It 's also hard to figure out how long we 've been here . Every digital clock anyone has on a phone or computer just says 00 : 00 , and the one analog clock a proxy was wearing is frozen with both hands at 12 . That red sun outside hasn 't been any help either , since it seems to move up and down in the sky without any pattern . I tried to check through the internet , but I kept getting contradictory answers . Sometimes it would say we 've been here for five hours , sometimes we 've been here for several days , sometimes it would say we 'd somehow traveled to the past . All I know is that it doesn 't feel like we 've been here for a day , but with that sun , there 's really no way to tell . There hasn 't been any word from Truth , so for now , we 're waiting here until we get a better picture of the situation . Ahriman 's sent out some proxies to scout the nearby floors , so we 're waiting to hear from them . Once we do , hopefully someone will know what to do next . No dialogue for this part . As we got closer to Truth 's skyscraper , the recorder started to only pick up static . There were no valets to take Ahriman 's car this time . No one was outside the building at all , so Ahriman ( illegally ) parked by the curb , and we ran inside . The lobby looked like an anthill that had been kicked over . Very serious men in suits with impressive looking guns stood by all the entrances , and herded panicking proxies to wherever they needed to go . Manton and his team met us , and told us that a place had been set aside for us to stay until the situation was resolved . Until then , we would stay here , under guard , with all the entrances carefully watched to ensure no one could get inside . For the first time in a month , I breathed a sigh of relief . Lepidus put a hand on my shoulder , and we shared a smile . For us , at least , this little war was over . A piercing sound shrieked from the earpieces of all the guards , loud enough that even I could hear it . Many of the guards simply collapsed , and even the ones still standing were clutching their heads . Before I could react to the noise , Sky fell and began to thrash on the floor . In a moment , Lepidus identified it as a seizure , and rolled her onto her side as she started to vomit . I started to come over to help before she hurt herself , but then … Then a car smashed through the glass front door , running over the prone guards in its way . Arkady jumped out of the car and stabbed the closest standing proxy in the gut . He glanced around the room , and when he saw us , started running at us . All the guards were still incapacitated , and most of the other proxies had run for cover as soon as Arkady showed up . I watched him coming closer , and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop him . He was going to kill me right there , then kill the rest of us , and I was utterly helpless in face of that … . Of all people , it was Ahriman who stepped between Arkady and me . Arkady hit him with another of those hammer like punches , and I was sure that the fight was over then . AhriPosted by Alright , two things to start this . One , I lied about us not being provided with reinforcements . Two , it didn 't help . On top of the Jacksons , we had Sloth 's team , our kill team , and another dozen watching the streets , prepared to ambush Arkady whenever he showed up . We made this plan assuming he was going to come by road . That didn 't happen . I was inside the apartment with Sky and the Jacksons . No one was expecting the fight to reach us , so we were supposed to stay there and wait the whole thing out . Due to the boredom of such a job , I spent most of it staring out a window . Which is the reason I was the only one to see a figure jumping off the roof of the building next to us and grab the fire escape ladder on our building . I just managed to shout a warning before the window shattered and Arkady burst into the room . Before anyone else could react , he rushed Gabriel and jabbed a knife through is throat . Andrew started to draw a gun , but Arkady punched faster . It was like watching a man being hit by a truck : that fist slammed into Andrew 's head , and it looked like the lights in his eyes flicked off . Gabriel went down into a heap , and didn 't get back up . Ar : " Ya know , I 'd been kinda hoping that Slendy would show up as soon as I smashed that window and we could avoid all these unpleasantries . But it would seem he is failing in his duties as a guardian . Oh well . Guess I have to kill the girl now . " I grabbed Sky and tried to run out of there , but Arkady moved much faster . He threw me aside , and then slammed Sky against the wall , his hands squeezing her throat . I made the dumb decision of trying to charge him , which ended with me getting knocked to the floor by a backhand . He 'd have killed Sky right there , if one of Sloth 's proxies hadn 't run into the room with a gun . I don 't know if any of the shots hit , because as soon as Arkady let go of Sky I grabbed her and ran out . Even if he had been shot , it wasn 't enough to slow Arkady down , and he was soon chasing after us . We passed by Lepidus and Sloth in thePosted by |
" Most of the people I knew just saw a strong , bold , business lady , " says Jennifer Rollins , an Edmonton marketer and blogger who has spoken publicly about her experiences as a victim of domestic violence . " No one really knew that as soon as the door shut I was broken and afraid . They didn 't see me behind closed doors . " But numbers merely hint at the full scope of the problem . Domestic violence expert Peter Jaffe says only 35 to 40 per cent of abuse is ever disclosed , meaning the majority of victims live in silence . Even if victims want to speak out , they may not feel as though they can . " If you are a new refugee , there are language and cultural barriers to getting help , " says Jaffe , a psychologist and academic director at the University of Western Ontario 's Centre for Research on Violence Against Women & Children . " If you are an Aboriginal woman living in a remote northern area , where do you find a shelter ? Who do you disclose to ? If you are married to the mayor or a police officer or a school principal , is someone going to believe you or support you ? " Not long ago , what happened at home was largely considered a private problem , to be dealt with inside the family . Jaffe says as recently as the 1980s , charges were laid in only three of every 100 domestic violence calls . Victims who did seek help were often sent back home . " Our neighbours heard everything , " says Rhodes , now president and CEO of the Edmonton Eskimos . " My sisters would sometimes go ring everyone 's doorbell trying to get the police over . When the police came in those days , they would basically say , ' He 's the man of the house , you guys leave until he sobers up and then go back . ' " There have been significant changes in police response , public policy , and law around domestic abuse since then . Today , charges are laid if police believe an assault occurred , even if the victim doesn 't want to proceed with charges . Protection orders and peace bonds shield victims against unwanted contact with abusers - at least on paper - and shelters try to give victims ways to identify and safely leave abusive relationships . In Alberta , specialized police units monitor and assess serious domestic violence cases in an attempt to prevent further violence . " There is still shame and embarrassment , " says Jaffe . " Victims blame themselves that there 's something they have done that caused the behaviour . Perpetrators deny , minimize , excuse , because it 's hard to confront the reality of being an abuser . Usually , it 's a crisis that triggers people getting help . " " People think domestic violence is just a black eye or a broken limb , but it is really about one person 's attempt to control and dominate their partner , " says Jaffe . " The most serious abuse is really about coercive control , and one person 's attempt to maintain that control . That 's the really insidious stuff . " " My ex used to rape me when we were married . I didn 't realize at the time that this was illegal , " said J , who is being kept anonymous for her protection . " I just thought , why would you want to have sex with someone who 's crying ? I remember thinking that a lot . I didn 't even know that wasn 't OK . " " The strength of women ? That 's one of my core values , and it still happened to me , " she says . " I came from a good home , I had a loving family . I considered myself someone who had boundaries , and would never let someone treat me like that . Until you are in it , you can 't judge . It can happen to anybody . " " I think the misconception is that people think these are impulsive acts that occur in the spur of the moment , " Watt says . " These are the furthest things from crimes of passion . Often there 's many , many warning signs , but people aren 't identifying them . " " You are killing someone you loved , and often you 're killing them because you love them so much , " she says . " It doesn 't make sense , right ? I 'm sure that they would like a way out , and there 's lots of ways we could help them do that . " " I do workshops and people say , ' I 'd never be a victim . Nobody is ever going to hit me a second time . I 'd be out of that relationship so fast , " he says . " And I say , really ? Because that 's not the way it works . But we don 't identify with the victim because we think we 'd be different . " So instead , just think about meeting someone . Feel the thrill of attraction and romance . The flush of love . Imagine that when something feels wrong - a harsh word , a tense moment , a pang of fear - you excuse it , minimize it , explain it away , and then things are wonderful again . At least for a while . " I met and fell in love with a man at 23 , and the first six to eight months were the most amazing months of my life . He was charming and fabulous . I had lots of attention . He was just the nicest person you could ever meet . The dream guy . After eight months he started being verbally mean . I chalked it up to him not getting enough sleep or maybe it was stress . A couple years later it didn 't get any better but I married him , and it started continuously getting worse . We had a daughter in 2008 and it escalated . I didn 't at that time call it abuse . We had a second daughter in 2012 , and by that time I knew what it was . I 'm a childhood abuse survivor , so a lot of this was patterned on what happened to me as a kid . I thought that was how men loved women , and how women loved men . It took quite a bit of time to say no , this isn 't right . I didn 't want my daughters to grow up thinking that 's how men treat women , or how women act in relationships . An abusive man , outwardly , seems like the best person on the planet . They really put on an act , so they 're loud and boisterous and bigger than life , the best husband that you can imagine , the best dad that you can imagine . And then as soon as the doors close , it 's a completely different story . One of the things that was told to me for years , was , ' You can 't do it . ' When someone tells you something like that , you start believing . But you can do this . There are supports to help you through it . It 's OK to ask for help , and it 's OK to share your story . It 's going to sound cliché , but you can come out of this . You can rise above . " Any relationship I 've ever been in has been abusive . When I would get into good relationships , I would push them away because I didn 't know how to handle it . I 'm so used to being screamed at and told that it 's my fault , and it 's always an argument and a fight or some kind of problem . Ever since I had my son , I never wanted him to feel neglected or abandoned , or have any of those issues that I felt . I don 't want my son to grow up thinking it 's OK to treat a woman or anybody close to him like that . I don 't want him to think it 's OK to hit a girl or yell at somebody . I 've learned a lot . I 've learned how to be a better mother , how to be a lot stronger . I learned how to voice everything . It 's always the ones you would never think , or you 'd be completely surprised they have ever faced these problems . It 's literally a silent killer . It 's like a serial killer , but it happens in silence . It 's like a flower . If you are in a domestic abuse relationship , you are going to dry out and die . It 's slow . Flowers don 't die quick . It takes time for them to dry out , for their petals and leaves to fall off . But once you get that strength , and water the flower and love it , it will grow . It will become stronger and more beautiful . " " I hear the stereotypes . I came from a middle upper class family . I was raised in a certain home . I 've never experienced violence . You can learn so much in school , but it 's in sitting with someone and hearing their journey that allows me to see that I , too , could have easily been in that situation . The line between someone who is abused and someone that 's not abused is not that far . We are all vulnerable to wanting to be loved , wanting to be needed , desiring to have a family . Those are all beautiful desires that any one of us have , yet they made one small choice , or their background has set them up to make some of these choices . There is a great sense of hopelessness when the women arrive at the shelter . They come with this type of anxiety , and it 's amazing , within the first couple weeks you see the moms and especially the kids take a breath and say , ' I can stay here and I 'm not going to get beaten , I 'm not going to be yelled at , I 'm not going to be called stupid . ' As they stay longer and longer , not only do they feel safer , but there issues come to the surface more and more because now they are safe enough to look at some of the deeper issues . I 'm still moved every time I hear a person 's story . " My son was special needs , and he grew into really a wonderful young man . I 'm not saying he was perfect , because he wasn 't . With a diagnosis such as his , he had anger issues , but he was trained to be able to walk away . He had taught himself to walk away . He became a wonderful father . As a son , I wouldn 't know to ask for anything different . They were married a couple months . There were signs of discord , and they were separated . It was an on - off kind of relationship . Something happened . Something horrific happened , and my son bore the brunt of it . It became physical to the point where it caused his death . No one knows what goes on behind closed doors until you open that door . I raised my daughters that at the first speculation , first hint , first gut feeling , walk . I never told my son that . I go to bed every night and wake up every morning knowing my son lay dead for two days before he was found . People say , ' What did he do ? What did he do to her that she would strike out at him like that ? ' Men can get beat up . Men get hurt , too . It doesn 't start with murder . We need to find out as society where it starts , so that we can help . So that we can stop it . It can happen to anyone . Literally anyone . I 'm an abused woman . I come from an abused past . That 's why hell or high water my children would not have seen abuse . And yet here I am . Men have come to me and said , ' I was abused by my spouse . ' I don 't even know what to tell them . I 've looked , and there is nowhere for these men to go . It 's like , ' Suck it up , get over it , you 're a man . ' " " I kind of always knew he was a little weird . He had this weird blink , and he would freak out if there were dishes in the dishwasher or in the sink . There couldn 't be dirty dishes at all . He would get really angry about stuff like that . It would always be small things , never big things , and then he would just explode . Other than that , there was nothing until he killed her . They dated for two months and then he moved in with us . She seemed happy . She seemed in love . It seemed like it was still the honeymoon phase to them . When he would get upset , she would just tell him to calm down , hold him , fix whatever he was getting mad about . I was at my dad 's the night before . I went to school the next day , and one of my friends who takes my bus said , ' There 's police tape in front of your house . ' I thought maybe something happened in our yard . I kept calling my mom again and again and she didn 't answer . At first I was like , ' Really , him ? ' Because it seemed like they were so in love . But after that it was like , yeah , I guess there were some weird things he was doing , and I always had a weird vibe from him . It was hard to get back into the swing of life after she died . I started blocking everything out , and just trying to get through it . It just got harder and harder . Once I reached high school , it got really bad . This year I thought , my mom never graduated , so I want to maybe make my mom proud . " " From the time I remember , I grew up in a household where there was domestic violence . In my case it was my dad targeting my mom . All the frustrations of life came out when he drank . He was two different people . When he was sober he never hit a woman , but when he drank he became extremely violent . He was a strong man , stronger than I 'll ever be , and he was outright dangerous when he was violent . It was like he was possessed by something , like he wasn 't the same dad . I never felt threatened personally , but the stress and anxiety it caused , the fear of my mom getting beaten up by my dad , was horrendous . At night was when a lot of the violence took place . We were in a two - bedroom basement apartment , two kids , two parents , you could hear everything . There were times I hoped I wouldn 't get up in the morning . There were times I hoped he 'd never get up . But I loved the man , and that 's the irony about this . We never went to a shelter . I was always scared that if we went to a shelter we 'd be broken up as a family . Economically - speaking , we were totally dependent on my dad . I didn 't want my dad to go to jail . I didn 't want my dad to lose his job . So we dealt with it by just hoping and praying that dad doesn 't hurt mom to a point of no return . My sister told me about a time when my dad held a gun to my mom 's head for two hours . It took a lot of coaxing for him to put the gun down . He was going to kill her . We all felt guilty in some ways . I 'm not sure why I felt guilty . But I can tell you I felt embarrassed because I came from a house like that . " " My auntie always told me , ' Don 't break up , keep that relationship together . ' And I had that mindset . It just so happened that my first real relationship was not a good one . I don 't know why it had to be that way . I was constantly praying for him to not come home drunk and beat me up . I was so scared to be home . He was really violent and extremely physical . Really aggressive . My son was just a baby . He would look at us and would be grabbing me and throwing me around . If I went to leave , he would lock the door . If I left , he would say he was going to kill himself . Verbal abuse hurts a lot , too . I went through this over and over again thinking , ' He 's going to change . We have a son together . He loves us , he shouldn 't be hurting us like this . ' He came home high , and I started to freak out on him because I was about to have his baby . I think it was right on my due date . I was screaming , I was panicking , and I guess just from me reacting to him like that he turned into a totally different person . He went into the kitchen and when he came back he had a knife in his hand . I jumped on the couch and he pulled my legs right from under me , and I fell on my butt on the floor . I couldn 't move . He was swinging the knife . He ripped the phone chords right out of the wall . He knocked over the lamp . It was dark in the living room and it was dark at night . I noticed that the knife was going right beside my head . I was crying for help . I was trying to scream so loud but nobody could hear me . It seemed like I couldn 't make a sound . " It affects any age , any race , any economic status . There 's nothing that really determines it . Everyone is at risk . This is not a women 's issue , this is a community issue , and it 's something we all have to own . I had my hair done , and my hairdresser was telling me that she suspected a few people , but she never asked . And I said , ' You have to ask . ' You don 't have to have all the answers . But you can direct them to help . I don 't want to be known in Canada for the highest domestic violence rates . I 'd like to change that . I 'd like to say , that 's not acceptable here , and have everyone stand up . " I had a self image that , yeah , I had a temper , but it was like a summer storm , I would blow up and everything would be fine . But that 's not how it works . When you are constantly blowing up , and you are inconsistent because you are really happy an hour later , you are doing damage . Every time you are creating damage to your spouse , to your children . It 's easy for a man who is abusive to say they 've changed . I said in my marriage probably thousands of times , ' I 'm sorry and I 'll change , ' and that never happened . It 's easy to fool yourself that you 've changed . But if you really are working at it and looking at how others are responding to you , you can see what you 've accomplished . I know in my heart I have done a lot of change . Then , because I 've changed , it 's allowed my children to be safe around me . They are safe , and I know I 'm safe for them . " " I find it 's cyclical in nature , generational . The men have experienced abuse in their past , and they think of it as normal . They learn these inappropriate behaviours and continue doing it in their relationships . They don 't know any better . One of the men in one of my other groups said something about them being wife beaters . I 've never seen them as that . I 've just seen them as individuals that are hurting and need help . They have a perspective that , ' All women are crazy . All women push our buttons . ' Because I 'm the only female in the group , sometimes I get that directed toward myself . But as the weeks go on you see a lot of those changes , and the mutual respect we have for one another . Change doesn 't come from one day to another , and that 's something I always tell the men . If you are telling me you 've changed from yesterday , I 'm not going to believe you . It 's not true . But maybe after two years of them being dedicated , I 've seen the changes they 've made . So many of them have been told : ' Men don 't cry , boys don 't cry . ' Imagine the pain or the emotions that they have that they can never express . They can never tell anyone , so they just hold them in until one day they explode . " I met a wonderful man . He would send me flowers , and took me to parties where there were a lot of well - known people . He treated me like I was magnificent . We went on a trip , and I started to notice things that made me uneasy . Snapping , and what I have now identified as sexual abuse . I was thinking about breaking it off with him when I found out I was pregnant . My values are traditional , so I decided I was going to make this work . By the time I was seven months pregnant it had escalated to a lot of verbal abuse , a lot of threats . After our baby was born , it got worse . It got to the point where I would come home and I 'd be shaking so much I couldn 't put my keys in the door , because I never knew what to expect . He tried to run me over . He threatened to kill me . He threatened to burn the whole house down if I left him , with everybody in it . Everywhere I went , he had to be beside me . He 'd ridicule me , tell me I was worthless and useless . The only place I could go was the bathroom , and he would wait outside . I could never be alone . I got an emergency protection order the next day . It was useless , in that he broke it . He pleaded guilty . He was in jail a number of times , and then he 'd just come out angrier . And it never solved it . It 's been years now . I know that he still follows me . I continue to fear for my life . My office is in lockdown . He hasn 't been physical with me since I left , but the threat is always there . There is a real danger . The danger doesn 't go away just because you choose to leave him and leave that relationship . It only goes away when they choose for it to go away . " Domestic violence takes on a different kind of tone when you 're in a same - sex relationship . We are already faced with a lot of stigma . Even in our community , it 's not talked about . I didn 't even know that the idea of emotional abuse existed until I was already in this relationship . All you hear is , if a man is beating a woman that 's abuse , that 's domestic violence . Well , there 's no man in my relationship , so how do I know this isn 't just a tough relationship ? That 's what I kept trying to tell myself , this is just hard . And you are so used to everything in life being hard because you 're gay that it seems like just another thing . It 's taken me a lot of time for me to realize I don 't have anything to be ashamed about . I don 't want people to be ashamed . Shame is what kept me in the closet . Shame is what kept me in that relationship . I was too afraid to admit , ' I 'm gay , and I 'm in an abusive relationship ' because gay people are stigmatized as being dysfunctional and ill and damaged anyway . I didn 't want people to think , ' Oh , you got abused because you were gay . ' " An RCMP member shot and killed his wife a few years ago in Mill Woods . When I heard the news , I think I fell to my knees , because I knew that was going to happen . In fact , the night before this happened , I was talking to a couple people that were concerned about her . We were saying , ' I don 't know what to do to help her , to get her out , ' because you can 't force someone to leave . I remember we talked about that I was scared for her life , and the next day I found out that she 'd been killed . That was really hard for me . People have different reasons why they stay . For each person it 's different . There 's a part of you that just wants to grab them and take them out , but you can 't do that . It has to be their choice , their decision . Sometimes , when they choose to stay , they have a deadly consequence , and the people that loved them feel the guilt . It 's really hard to reconcile with the fact that it 's not your fault . There 's a part of you that always wishes you could have done something more . It still makes me feel guilty . It goes beyond culture . It goes beyond economics , or race or gender . Domestic violence is something that affects each and every one of us . If we haven 't experienced it personally , we definitely have someone close to us who has experienced it . It 's something that crosses every boundary . I went through domestic abuse myself before I became a police officer . The reason that I decided to leave was for my daughter . When I left I went to WIN House , the shelter , and I had nothing , living on welfare for a long time . " Before we had our child he would block my way , stand in a doorway and not let me out . He threatened to kill me nearly every day . I was ready to leave when I found out I was pregnant . The physical abuse started when I became pregnant . I was thrown against the wall , dragged across the floor . I was spit at . I was sat on , pinned to the bed with him telling me if I just listened everything would be OK . When my son was six weeks old , I was strangled . I remember his eyes were just black . I finally got my arm free and I scratched him , and he let me go . He locked me in the bedroom for two days . For two days , he wouldn 't allow me to nurse my son . He wouldn 't let me touch him . When I left , he drained the bank account and I had nothing . Through our whole relationship he set me up to fail . We were in court for five years . I tried to get to see if I could get a court order for him to take parenting courses , but that 's against his rights . He gets him every second weekend . Now it 's my son he 's going after . He always told me , ' If I wanted you dead , you 'd be dead . I wouldn 't do it myself . I 'd hire some crackhead off the street who needs their hit . I could get anybody to do it , and you wouldn 't see it coming . ' Because I was older , I 've witnessed domestic violence , and I was always the one that said , ' It will never happen to me . I will never be in that situation . ' And then when I was there , I didn 't even admit it was domestic violence . I 'm a tough chick . Usually , I can handle a lot of things on my own . There was a stigma - and there still is , I think - around domestic violence and police who are victims or perpetrators . I thought I was going to die . I didn 't know if I would be there for my children . I didn 't know I would make it . I thought he was going to kill me . He strangled me . My baby was in my arms . It was a very long time that he strangled me , and it was at the point where I wondered what would happen to the baby if I died . I stayed for a long time after that . It sounds foolish , but it 's the same reasons other people stay . I couldn 't imagine raising my child alone . Financially , I was scared of being able to survive , of being a single mother . I was terrified of him having the baby alone . And that wasn 't my Cinderella dream . I just wanted a happy family . When I did speak up , that was the day I no longer carried that secret . " " Experiences with domestic violence start immediately when you become a police officer . Some files I 'll remember for the rest of my life . They 're a shock when you are a brand new constable , seeing how it tears apart family . I ended up becoming a crime scene examiner in Ident , and I would go photograph the injuries of victims of domestic violence . Those photographs I took were so incredibly graphic . You kind of become used to taking them , but then you stand back and look at the effects on that person , and how the effect is going to last a lot longer than the injuries . It does start to get deeper inside you , what domestic violence does . That was 23 years ago , and I still remember what she looks like , and the chunk of hair that I seized . I still remember being on the stand in court talking about the incident and the look of horror and shock on the judge 's face . I 'm hoping that the work that I did gave her some strength knowing that someone cared . Once in a while I wonder where she is now , 23 years later . " The very first time , she just showed up on my doorstep . I hadn 't realized that her husband was abusive toward her . It just blew me away . And then she continued to get into these bad , bad relationships . This last one almost killed her . She was at my house and her boyfriend came over . I said , ' She doesn 't want to see you right now . ' He started flipping out and going totally crazy and he went to grab her . I said , ' get back ' and he and I had a standoff at my front door , probably 20 minutes . I stood between them because it was not going to be a good scene . I was going to call the cops . She said , ' No , please don 't . ' She was still in love with him or thought she was still in love with him . She really wanted to have somebody that loved her , and she thought he was the one . She kept defending him , because that 's what she does . She 's a defender . I can 't think of how many different ways she hollered for help , but I didn 't know what to do and I don 't think she knew what to ask for either . We both knew something was happening but we didn 't know how to connect on it , how to make it go away . I would spend nights crying because I knew she needed help but I didn 't know what to do . " I married a Canadian man and came here . My culture , you have only one husband . I thought that he loved me , and he married me . I was married to him almost nine years . He doesn 't tell the truth . He hid everything . He said he did it for me . I was working two jobs . I never saw my money at all . I just ate , go to work . I could not go to school . He wanted to control everything . When I tried to get out to the people who speak in my language , he just knocked me down . He kept me in the house , with no friends . It was like a jail . I didn 't know about supports , I didn 't know about any programs , I didn 't know anything . My kid couldn 't speak , he had a speech delay . And all of the time , I stayed home , and he took the kid to the doctor . One day the nurse asked him , ' Why I never seen the kid 's mom ? ' He said , ' She has problems , ' and the nurse said , ' Can I help her ? Can I go to talk to her ? ' When they come to talk to me , he sits beside me , so I just tell them everything that he wanted me to tell them . He got mad for something , and he hurt my kid . He hurt the first one , that can 't speak , and the younger one was crying . Both of them ran to my bedroom . He tried to hurt me . I thought , I wouldn 't let this happen . If I die , my kid is going to be the same way . So I looked in his eye , like , ' If you kill me , I 'm going to kill you too , ' and that 's why he stopped . He saw that in my eyes and he stopped . " " I grew up in a very abusive home , and my role has always been an advocate for those who have been abused . I didn 't choose that role , but I always seem to be in those situations where I stand up for those who can 't stand up for themselves . That 's always been part of my career . I 've gone through a lot of therapy , a lot of healing myself . I know it 's possible to change . And I know it 's possible to heal the past . When you experience that in your life , your life changes , and you are able to pass that on to someone else , that hope . Because that 's what they need is hope that life can be different . It really , really can . I think one of the things that surprised me the most working with men who have perpetrated domestic abuse is how devastated their lives are . I know it 's not a popular thing to say because they 're not the victim , but they need to understand that when they make those choices and they behave in that way , they lose everything . I don 't think they realize that . They lose their spouses , their children , their homes , sometimes they 've lost jobs and they 're homeless . It 's huge . They are seen as villains and they are very ashamed , because they don 't see themselves separate from their behaviour . They 've made a mistake , but they see they are mistakes . They are in crisis . The family is in crisis , the victim is crisis , but on the other side the guy is actually in crisis too , even though he caused it . " " It was after Christmas . Financially - strapped , children under the age of 14 , a very busy household . We knew that there was a problem . My former spouse warned me after one particularly bad shouting match and threatening the kids that this was the last chance . And then I did it again , and my oldest daughter called the police . I didn 't know how to deal with stressful situations . The abuse was verbal , physical . Mostly verbal . My kids would have said , ' He 's very , very violent . Very scary . ' They weren 't interacting with me anymore . I would think about my actions and I wouldn 't feel good about them . There was a lot of shame in it . Guilt . It was about a two - or three - week cycle . There would be a big blow - up , and it would start again . I joined the Changing Ways program about two weeks after being removed from the house . I figured after the 16 weeks I 'd be back in the house and I had all these skills , and then I got a no - contact order served to me . That was really a kick in the teeth . At that point I knew that I had a lot of work to do . I 've been in Changing Ways for about seven years . We encourage all readers to share their views on our articles and blog posts . We are committed to maintaining a lively but civil forum for discussion , so we ask you to avoid personal attacks , and please keep your comments relevant and respectful . 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Tag : cat rescue A Contest of Wills : Chapter 9 Bex had a rough couple of days , worrying about the land and the cats , trying to finish up some projects for her clients , and racking her brain to think of ways to make some extra money . Perhaps if she put up a flier at the community college advertising her services writing resumes ? As the weekend approached she even began thinking of people she knew who might be able to lend her money . On Saturday morning she had just taken a break from cleaning out the pens when she heard tires crunching on the gravel drive . With a sinking feeling she headed back toward the house . Sure enough there was the silver Mercedes , and Kyle was stepping out of the driver 's side . To Bex 's surprise , he was wearing jeans , a flannel shirt and work boots . He didn 't look like someone trying to dress up country - he looked like the real deal . The clothes were obviously well worn and there was now something about him that seemed familiar . She assumed it was simply because that was the way most of the men looked in the feed and hardware stores she frequented . " It 's not yours yet , " he said , and when she turned to walk away he said , " Wait . " She turned and looked at him without speaking . " I 'm sorry , " he said , " it 's my job . I 'm doing my job . But there 's no reason we have to be antagonistic . I did come by to make sure nothing permanent had been done , but I also wanted to try to learn a little about what you 're doing here , your relationship with the Szczepanskis , maybe try to understand why they would have left a virtual stranger a valuable piece of land . " She studied him for a moment , not sure whether or not to trust him . She knew she had nothing to hide , and besides there was a long day of work ahead of her . She could always use the extra hands . " Fine , " she said . " But if you 're going to stay you 're going to work . " He smiled . " That was the plan , " he said , " I wore my work clothes . " " So I see , " she said , trying to not show the appreciation she felt for him , and the annoyance she felt at herself . She was actually finding this man attractive ! He was the enemy , and she needed to keep reminding herself of that . Of course , Popeye did seem to like him . No , she couldn 't let her guard down . This man was trying to take her land . She led him toward what appears to be an animal pen , a stack of what looked like wood and wire frames , and a large roll of chicken wire . " O . k . , " she said , " we need to put this chicken wire on top of this pen . The minute I put a feral cat in it , it 's going to shoot straight up the side and go right out the top . " She put her hands on her hips . " Because people don 't build pens for feral cats . This pen held hunting dogs . They don 't climb up the sides . " She paused for a moment before she muttered under her breath , " of course they probably should . " She handed him a hammer and pointed to the roll of chicken wire . " Work , " she said . " We can talk while we work . " He grinned and took the hammer from her . " O . k . , " he said , " where are the nails ? " Kyle proved to be a hard worker . Bex was sure he wouldn 't be very good at it , but he handled the hammer like an expert . As she helped him spread the roll of wire across the top of the wooden frame of the pen , she talked to him . " The woman who runs the local cafe , Dot , her husband was a hunter . He built these pens himself , and he kept them on their land . He did a great job ; they 're all modular . You can create one pen , two pens , one really big pen - well you can see by the way they 're built . " She gestured to the stack of frames with the hammer . Bex reached into her pocket and pulled out a nail . Kyle was impressed with the way she expertly hammered it in - not like some girls he 'd seen , holding the hammer too close to the head . She swung it by the far end of the handle , letting the weight of the hammer do the work . " Dot 's husband died several months ago . " Bex was intent on her hammering and didn 't see the cloud that crossed quickly over Kyle 's face . " She called me up one day wanting me to come over and see if I could use some of her old doghouses . I went over and we were walking around talking . I had been thinking of ways I could bring feral cats on to the refuge , and then I noticed the pens . I asked her what they were for , and she told me her husband Sam had built them for his dogs . I asked her what she was going to do with them . She said she wasn 't sure . Their son had talked about taking them , but he lives four counties over and that 's a long way to transport them . Plus , he wasn 't so keen to come over and take them down . " Bex looked up quickly and returned his smile . " Basically , yes . I told her why I wanted them , and she really got a kick out of it . The idea of these pens , which had been built for hunting dogs , to be used to house wild cats . So I borrowed a trailer , hitched it to my truck and went over there . " She paused to pull the wire over the top of the pen . " No , I 'm not quite that good , " she answered . " I have a handyman , Ronnie , and a young girl Lindsey who come over occasionally to help me out . They were with me , and between the three of us - well , Dot tried to help some too - we dismantled every last one , piled it on that trailer , and crawled our way back here . " " Not quite a month . " She looked up and saw his surprise . " It 's a big job , and I can 't afford to have Ronnie and Lindsey come out that often . When they do , I need more immediate help - like getting the cats wormed or rounded up for the vet . Ronnie 's done a lot of clearing of trees and brush . So far , we 've only had time to put up this one , and I 've got to get it finished before we start any more . " They worked for another couple of hours , and soon the pen had a sturdy top on it . Kyle then helped Bex nail a tarp over the back half of the pen so there would be shelter during the rain . When they finished putting a couple of old doghouses inside , Kyle was ready for a break . " I 'm not used to working like this , " he said , wiping the sweat off his forehead with his arm . Bex smiled , " It 's good for you . Come on inside and we can grab something to drink . " Bex felt warmth spread up her face as she saw her home through his eyes . " Well , " she said forcefully , stepping in and inviting him to follow with a gesture , " it isn 't some fancy New York penthouse , but it 's home for me . I need to save every penny for the cats , and I don 't splurge much on myself . " So I see , " he murmured . He took off his cap and set it on the sofa , and then walked back toward the bathroom . " Mind if I wash my hands ? " he asked as he stepped in the bathroom and turned on the faucet . Bex 's eyes widened . " No , " she said , " and aren 't you right at home . Like you knew right where that bathroom was . " Kyle dried his hands and walked into the kitchen smiling . " Well , " he said , " it 's not like there 's a lot of choices . " Bex smiled and handed him a glass of iced tea . He looked at Bex and his eyes grew serious . " How long are you going to have to live like this ? " he asked . He thought about Cassandra , and how she would react to having to spend even five minutes in the trailer . Although it was clean and fresh , everything was second hand and looked it . " Don 't you want some nice things for yourself ? " For a brief moment she looked tired . " No , " she said , " and even if I did it wouldn 't matter . The cats need me . " He took a step closer . " And what do you need ? " he asked . For a long moment they stood staring at each other . When a sharp knock sounded on the door Bex jumped . Without answering Kyle she walked over to the door and opened it . " Hey Ronnie , " she said , " I 'm on my way . " She stood back and held the door open . Kyle reached it in two steps , and headed for his car . " Hey , " he said to the middle - aged man standing at the foot of the steps . Ronnie just nodded , and if he was surprised to see either Kyle or the Mercedes , he didn 't show it . Kyle turned as Bex came down the steps . " Thanks again , " she said , holding out her hand , " you were a huge help . " As he took her hand to shake it she turned to the other man . " Ronnie , you 're never going to believe all we 've gotten done ! " The other man just nodded slowly . Kyle got into his car and left . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted on September 18 , 2016September 18 , 2016Categories A Contest of Wills , UncategorizedTags cat rescue , cats , crazy cat lady , creative writing , fiction , romanceLeave a comment on A Contest of Wills : Chapter 9 A Contents of Wills : Chapter 8 On her way home , Bex stopped at the feed store to pick up some cat food and some of the environmentally friendly disinfectant she used to clean the cats pens and the sickroom . As she walked in , she was greeted by a man in his 30s who had unkempt hair and was sweeping the floor . " Wow , that 's really good Johnny , what a great hug ! " Bex backed up a step and smiled up into his innocent blue eyes . He beamed at her . " Yeah , mom and I have been practicing . She tells me that I don 't know my own strength , and it 's hard to learn my own strength , but I 'm doing it ! " " Bird seed ? " An incredulous voice was followed by a small woman in her 50s with gray hair . " You got a place full of cats and you want to invite the birds to come visit ? What are you , anti - bird ? " " Oh honey , good job ! " Dot 's demeanor changed completely with her son . Her pride showed as she reached out and touched his arm . " But remember , you can only hug the people you know who have already told you it 's o . k . " Dot shook her head . " Oh , some fancy city woman came in here the other day looking for something . Of course as soon as he saw her , Johnny asked if he could help her find something . She just looks him up and down like he smells bad and tells him ' no thank you . ' So then he asks if he can give her a hug . I guess he just assumed she 'd say yes so he started walking toward her with his arms out . Well , her scream like to have brought in the entire town . I had to explain to Johnny that some people just don 't understand wanting to be hugged . " Bex shook her head . " Oh no , Dot , I 'm really sorry that happened . I 'm sure that must have upset Johnny . " Bex couldn 't help but smile at the thought . " Sure sounds like she needed something , though . " Dot smiled back at her . " Amen to that ! And Johnny is just fine . It really didn 't upset him . He just didn 't understand why she shouldn 't want a hug . " Bex finished up with her purchases , and Johnny carried everything out to the old pickup . As she left Bex gave him another hug and told him , " I love your hugs Johnny , don 't give away too many because I always want you to have one for me , o . k . ? " Johnny nodded and waved as Bex drove away . After a quick stop at the grocery store , Bex headed home . Ronnie and Lindsey were already gone , and it was turning into a nice evening . Bex poured herself a glass of the cheap red wine she 'd gotten at the store , and headed outside to enjoy the stillness and the quiet . The first to arrive was Popeye . He jumped into her lap , and reached up his head to rub under her chin . He began purring almost immediately , and while he was rubbing she could feel the skin underneath her chin starting to get wet from his drool . She laughed and pulled him up under his front legs so she could look at him . His sweet face looked back at her , his one eye permanently closed where he 'd lost it , the other yellow / green eye looking back at her . " Hey mister , " she said , bringing him against her for a hug . " I hope your day has gone better than mine . " As she was talking , a black cat with a white chest and paws jumped up on the table and came over to her . She reached out a hand to pet him . " Well hello there , Fred , " she said . " Looks like I 'm going to have a full house tonight . " Several of the other cats were heading their way , lured by the sound of her voice in the evening air . She sat , slowly sipping her wine as the day slipped away into night . Just before it got really dark , she gave the cats a few final pets , stood and stretched , and headed back to her trailer . The next morning she woke up feeling discouraged . Her visit to the library the previous day hadn 't been much help . Trying to read through the legal language and understand what the laws meant had made her brain dizzy . She was going to need help , but who would help her ? The phone ringing interrupted her thoughts . Assuming it was one of her clients she answered on the second ring . " Popeye didn 't ruin your shoe . In fact , Popeye showed extremely good manners by using the litter box . If you stuck your foot in someone 's toilet , you would hardly blame them for ruining your shoes , would you ? " There was a slight pause at the other end of the phone . " Yes , I suppose it is . Actually they were a gift . And if I 'm being perfectly honest , not one of my favorites . " Bex heard a small sigh on the other end of the line . " Ms . Miller , I really do admire your dedication , believe me , but this is simply a battle you can 't win . If I read the situation correctly , and believe me Ms . Miller I make a great deal of money by correctly reading situations , you 're barely getting by as it is . You simply can 't afford the time to try and do your own research , nor do you have the resources to hire someone to help you . " Bex was silent . Of course he was right . She couldn 't afford the time to do her own research , plus it was obvious that he was a very good attorney . Despite the fact that she knew almost everyone in town , the Szczepanskis had been well respected and it was likely their daughter would be too , despite the general gossip that she was a spoiled , lazy young woman . " Uneducated ! " Bex was furious , furious with herself for being near tears , stunned at the amount of money he could command , and furious he felt he had to throw that in her face . " Listen to me you pompous , arrogant , morally bankrupt jerk , I don 't care how much money your time is worth , or your shoes or your stupid car , this is my land , and I will not just give it up ! " and she slammed down the phone . Breathing heavily she sank down in a chair and blinked back tears . What was she going to do ? Well , there was one thing for sure . She wasn 't about to just give up . She 'd figure out something . She went into the kitchen and started brewing some coffee . " Just one cup , " she promised herself , since she had to go out , as she did every day , and take care of the cats . She sipped slowly at her coffee , and when she finished she sat in her chair awhile , thinking . After checking on Dinah , she got ready for her day . Maybe some hard work would give her subconscious time to solve the problem . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted on September 5 , 2016September 5 , 2016Categories A Contest of Wills , UncategorizedTags cat rescue , cats , crazy cat lady , creative writing , fiction , romanceLeave a comment on A Contents of Wills : Chapter 8 A Contest of Wills : Chapter 7 Once the cats were finished , Bex headed back to the house and ran into Ronnie , her handyman . She had been able to earn a little extra money in the last month , and was able to hire Ronnie to do some of the heavier work she couldn 't handle . He was putting together some outbuildings and installing cat doors so she would have more room . She left him to his work and went inside . Bex checked her email to see if she 'd gotten any responses . As she thought , so far there was no one who knew of an attorney who could help her or would be willing to work for free . She made a quick call to one of her clients to confirm that the brochure she had created was ready to go to the printer , and then called the printer to get the job started . She sat back and wondered what to do next . She tried searching on the Internet for information about wills and how contesting a will worked , but found the information to be too general and vague . She decided that she had enough time to head over to the county court complex and visit the law library . She wasn 't sure what to look for , but thought maybe she could find a way to slow down the proceedings as much as possible . Didn 't they do that on television ? File motions to continue or something like that ? Not that she thought TV would be anything like real life , but occasionally there had to be a grain of truth in there somewhere , didn 't there ? After several fruitless hours looking through law books she didn 't completely understand , Bex left the courthouse feeling discouraged . She needed to go have a chat with Linda , so she backed out of the parking lot and drove down Main Street through the center of Byrd 's Mill . She arrived at The Brew - Ha and walked through the front door . The jangling of the bell on the door brought her friend out to the front . " Not much . " Bex tried to smile , but knew it wasn 't very convincing . Linda 's dog Fubu came from behind the counter and approached Bex , tail wagging . She smiled as she knelt down to pet the dog . " Hey Fu , how 's it going ? Come out to smell all the good kitty stink on me ? " She smiled up at Linda as the dog buried his nose her shirt and began sniffing deeply . Fubu loved it when Bex came to visit , because she always smelled like the cats and outdoors . " O . k . , Fu , that 's enough , " Linda waved the dog away so Bex could stand up . The two women looked at each other . Linda squinted for a moment then said , " Right . Coffee . Strong . " And disappeared behind the counter . " What a jerk , " she said when Bex finished telling her about her first meeting with Kyle . " Lawyers . They 're all the same if you ask me . You can 't trust them . " Bex smiled at her friend . This was one of the reasons she loved Linda . Although several years older than Bex , she inherently understood many of the " rules " Bex had for good friendship . This was one of them . Bex knew that Linda 's father had been an attorney , and her sister , stilling living in Seattle , was an attorney . " Yeah , well , " Linda took a sip of coffee and looked away . " Listen , Bex , I can ask my dad or my sister about this , but you know it isn 't their area of expertise . And I 'm guessing the laws in Washington are different from the laws in Virginia . Maybe they can recommend someone though . Do you want me to ask ? " Bex shook her head and took a sip of coffee . " Thanks , but that 's part of the problem . I just can 't afford to hire anyone . And I can 't afford to keep going to the courthouse because I need to keep my paying clients . I just don 't know what I 'm going to do . " She sighed and looked down at her coffee cup . She could almost feel the struggle the woman across from her was having in her attempt to find a way to help . Bex looked up and smiled , and this time it was genuine . " I 'm so glad I have a good friend like you to talk to though . I don 't know how I 'd get through it without that . " Linda smiled and seemed to relax a little . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted on August 22 , 2016September 5 , 2016Categories UncategorizedTags cat rescue , cats , crazy cat lady , creative writing , fiction , romanceLeave a comment on A Contest of Wills : Chapter 7 A Contest of Wills : Chapter 6 By the next afternoon Bex had gone from being angry to being worried . Although her temper could get the best of her , once she calmed down she knew there would be a fight ahead of her , and she had no idea how she would prepare for it . She had spent that morning emailing some of her clients to see if anyone knew of an attorney who could help her . She wasn 't hopeful , but someone might know of someone who could help . At 3 : 00 Lindsey showed up to help her worm the cats . Lindsey attended the local high school and would be starting her senior year in a couple of months . Her dream was to go to Virginia Tech and become a veterinarian . Although she had a job with the vet in town , she came out once in awhile to help Bex with some of the cats , and Bex was always grateful for an extra pair of hands . And after a sleepless night , she was grateful for the extra ears as well . " Wow , he sounds like a total jerk , " Lindsey said as she forced open Ginger 's mouth and popped in a pill . She held the cat 's mouth closed and gently petted her throat to help the pill go down . She put Ginger on the floor and straightened up . " Are we doing the feral pen next ? " Bex sighed . She wasn 't sure she was quite ready for that , but it needed to be done . " Did we get everyone out here ? " she asked . Lindsey looked around the small room at the cats milling on the floor . " Let 's see , I just finished Ginger , you did Fred , and I think we got Popeye , Princess and Bugsy . What are you going to do about Dinah ? " Bex shook her head . " Let 's just leave her for now . She still seems to be agitated and stressed out , and had some wicked diarrhea yesterday . I 've got an appointment for her to see Dr . Baxter at 4 : 30 , and I don 't want to give her anything until after we get back . " Bex smiled . " That 's a good question . But I guess just because someone puts something in their will , it doesn 't mean it automatically happens . Someone else can come along and say they didn 't mean to do it , or they were under the influence of someone , or even that they were blackmailed . Or sometimes people just aren 't very happy they didn 't get something they expected , which is what happened here . And really , I can 't say that I totally blame Tiffany . She doesn 't know me - we 've never even met - and here her parents have left me a whole bunch of land that she thinks of as belonging to her . " Bex paused for a moment . " I just wish now that I 'd had a chance to meet her sooner . I 'm not even sure if her parents told her I was living out here . " Bex laughed at the younger girl 's questions . " Well , it was really kind of an odd situation . I had just moved back in with my parents after . . . , well , anyway I was living with my folks and had gone to the Pet Palace to see if I could sell them some services , maybe create some brochures or a newsletter . You know , I was trying to get them for a client . Anyway , when I got there they had all these cages out front with cats in them that they were trying to adopt out . I was just looking at all those kitties and it made me so sad . " " As I was standing there , this older woman came up next to me . She said , ' Isn 't it a shame they have no one who wants them ? ' I looked at her and said , ' Oh , I want them , it 's a matter of where I would keep them . ' She laughed and we started talking . I don 't know why , but she was so easy to talk to . I started telling her how I would love to start a refuge for cats . A place where they could live out their lives and be cared for , even if they were feral . And then we talked a little bit about feral cats , how it 's very hard to relocate them , and how most of the time the best thing you can do is a trap , neuter , release program . But that I wanted to do more than that . " Bex smiled at the memories she was reliving . " So she asked me what I thought I would need for something like that . I told her the first thing I 'd need is a lot of land , and then a place to live . I told her that I was just back in town and trying to get some freelance writing jobs , but at that point it wasn 't enough to keep me going . She asked me a lot of questions about shelters for the cats , vet care and food . She was really interested . We kept talking , and the next thing I know she 's inviting me to lunch with her and her husband the following week . " " Kate , yes . I met Bill when we had lunch in town , and he was just as delightful . It was obvious that Kate had already talked to him about the land . He told me that there was about 20 acres they hadn 't used in quite awhile , and that there was a little trailer set up on it that I could live in . For free . Can you imagine ? " The teenager just shook her head . " It turned out that the trailer was in pretty good condition , and mostly just needed a lot of clean up . And of course a lot of the land had to be cleared . Fortunately that big outbuilding was already here , so once I put in the cat door it was just a matter of getting the cats out here . I was able to get a satellite dish for Internet so I could keep freelancing , and then it was just some hard work and elbow grease to get where I am now . " " It really is , " Bex said and then laughed . " But Bill made me write a business plan and outline what I was going to do in terms of putting up shelters , how I 'd pay for food and vet bills , all that stuff . I didn 't realize it at the time , but what he was really doing was forcing me to be realistic . And I realized that I could do this , but it was going to be hard and I was going to have to sacrifice a lot . " She stopped walking and looked at Lindsey , all the smile gone from her face . " I had no idea they were leaving me land in their will , I really didn 't . We never talked about it . " She paused and said softly . " It was devastating to hear they 'd died . " " Right now ? " Bex smiled and put her hand on the teenager 's shoulder . " Right now we de - worm some cats that will not be at all happy about the situation . " Lindsey didn 't smile and was still looking worried . Bex unlocked the door to the outbuilding where the feral cats were currently penned . She said honestly , " I really just don 't know Lindsey , I 'm just going to have to take this one day at a time . " Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted on August 16 , 2016Categories A Contest of Wills , UncategorizedTags cat rescue , cats , crazy cat lady , creative writing , fiction , romanceLeave a comment on A Contest of Wills : Chapter 6 A Contest of Wills : Chapter 5 As Bex headed down the long drive to the trailer she called home , her spirits lifted . She stopped the truck in front of the two - bedroom unit and got out . She stood for a moment , breathing in the scent of the loblolly pines that surrounded her . She looked over the land and shook her head at all the work she had to do . There was a lot of clearing and clean up still to be done , and she knew she had a long way to go to turn this place into the refuge she had envisioned . And now there was more land available to her than before , thanks to the generosity of the Szczepanskis . She bowed her head for a moment and said a silent prayer blessing them , and wishing again that she could have paid her last respects . " Oh no , " she said , hurrying into the small spare bedroom where the cat she had picked up from the shelter yesterday had been quarantined . The cat was backed into a corner of the pen , eyeing Bex suspiciously . The small litterbox Bex had put in the pen was a mess . The cat had obviously had diarrhea and the mess , although amazingly confined to the small box , looked like it had partially dried on the sides of the box . Bex groaned but said to the cat , " It 's o . k . honey . I 'm so sorry you 're not feeling well . Let me change and I 'm going to get that all cleaned up for you . " After changing her clothes Bex grabbed some paper towels , disinfectant and a plastic trash bag from under her kitchen sink . Heading back into the spare room , she carefully and slowly opened the pen and removed the box , and then grabbed a pair of latex gloves she 'd gotten from the vet . " I 'll have this back for you in a jiffy , " she told the motionless cat . Bex carried everything down the front steps of the trailer and headed over to where the hose was hooked up , put on the gloves and got to work . She tried dumping the contents of the box into a plastic trash bag , but the litter and mess had dried and just stuck to the sides and the bottom of the box . Bex signed and began using the scoop to scrape the contents into the bag . She bent over so she could spread the bag open on the ground while she scraped the waste into it . As she was bent over working on the box , she felt the sun come out from behind a cloud and groaned as she felt the warmth starting to spread over her bent back . Normally , she would have been grateful for the warmth while working outside , but today she wasn 't anxious for the heat . She continued scraping the contents from the dirty litter box into a garbage bag , trying to ignore the stench from the contents . If it got much warmer , this job was going to be even worse than it already was . The cat thought about it for a moment , and Bex repeated a firm " No . " The cat sat and watched her , tail twitching , contemplating its next move . Bex turned back to the box . She scraped out the remaining contents and began to thoroughly clean the inside . When she was finished she threw all the used paper towels into the trash bag , peeled off the gloves and threw them in , and then tied up the plastic garbage bag and placed it in one of the garbage cans she used exclusively for cat waste . She hosed out the box and set it in the sun to dry , and then went inside the trailer to wash her hands . At this point she wasn 't worried about Popeye . The most he would do was go over and take a whiff , but the disinfectant would most likely keep him from getting too close , and he certainly wouldn 't use an empty box . " Ho - ly , " she whispered under her breath as the sliver Mercedes convertible came to a slow stop . " Who on earth could this be ? " She noted the New York license plates and felt a stab of apprehension as the driver unfastened his seat belt , stepped out of the car , took a quick look around , and mounted the steps to the trailer . He gave two hard knocks on the door . Bex opened the door cautiously , leaving the chain in place and taking in this stranger . He was tall , and wearing a suit and tie . He looked completely out of place in these surroundings , but didn 't seem in the least uncomfortable . He looked Bex up and down and then spoke . He gave her a smile that didn 't quite reach his eyes , and reached into his left - hand breast pocket . He handed her an envelope . Instinctively , she took it from him . He said , " O . k . , you 've been served . " He turned and started down the steps . He nodded his head toward the envelope in her hands . " It 's all there . " She looked down again and tore open the envelope . She read silently , her lips moving . When she finished , she looked up at him . " And just who the hell are you ? " " Yes , I am . As the card says , my name is Kyle Stephens , and I represent the estate of William and Katherine Szczepanski . More accurately , I am representing their daughter Tiffany . And I 've just served you a summons to appear at an upcoming hearing regarding the disposition of the estate . " Bex looked down at the card and again up at the man standing in front of her . " Yeah , I can read . But what does that mean ? " Bex frowned . She wasn 't sure what was going on , but she did know that she didn 't like feeling like a prisoner in her own home . She closed the door and unlatched the chain . When she opened the door she caught a moment of surprise on Kyle 's face and she had to smile . He must have thought she was closing the door in his face . He recovered quickly . As she opened the door to step out , he tilted his head slightly so he could see inside the trailer . She felt her face growing hot as he slowly took in the sparse furnishings . " Excuse me , " she said , as he was blocking the door . " I 'd like to talk about this outside if you don 't mind ? " He looked directly at her , and she felt her heartbeat quicken . His eyes were brown and so dark she couldn 't quite see the pupils . She straightened up and raised her eyebrows . He tipped back his head slightly and raised one eyebrow back . He then stepped out of the way so she could exit the trailer . She shut the door behind her , pushed past him and walked down the steps . He followed her and she stopped short of his car . She turned to look at him . She had to tilt her head back slightly . He was standing with the sun behind him , and she found herself squinting . Raising her hand to block out the sun she stared up at him without speaking . Bex could feel her face getting hot . " The Szczepanskis left this land to me ! It was for me to start a rescue facility and that 's what I 'm doing . They cared about this land and didn 't want it turned into condos and strip malls . I know Bill thought having a refuge was a little odd , but Kate cared about these cats as much as I do , and she told me she wanted to be sure I was able to keep going with what I started here . That 's why they let me live on this land in the first place ! " " Well , " he said , " that may be , but the original arrangement was for 20 acres and this trailer . A far cry from 100 acres of prime land with full access rights to the rest . " He looked around and Bex had no doubt he was taking in every detail . " And from what I can see , this doesn 't look like much more to me than some slightly offbeat woman living in a trailer with way too many cats . " " I 've just started and I 'm still working on it . I 've got to put together shelters , which costs money , and in the meantime the cats have still got to eat , and believe it or not the vet expects to be paid . I 've got a very sick cat inside , and that 's taking time and money . I 've gotten a couple of people to volunteer , but this kind of thing doesn 't just happen overnight . " " I see . " His demeanor suddenly seemed to change and he dropped his arms . He looked at her with a genuine smile , and she could see concern in his eyes . Or maybe what passed as concern for him . " Look , " he said reasonably , " I 'm sure you don 't want to get into a court battle over this . It would be time consuming and expensive , and it doesn 't seem like you currently have the resources at your disposal for that . I 'm really here to try and settle this amicably . I 'd like to offer you a settlement for the land in exchange for you agreeing to give up any interest in it you might have . " She inhaled to respond , but he kept talking in his smooth , even , calm tone . " And trust me , it 's highly unlikely that you 'll be able to defend yourself in court . I 'm pretty sure I can keep this will from being entered into probate , and have the judge ban you from the property until we get the matter settled . Which could be years . And then you 'll end up without a settlement or the land . I 'd just like to expedite this whole process so I can get back home . " She looked at his car , and then up at him . " A settlement . Money in other words . You want to buy me off . Well , I don 't have to listen to anything . The answer is no . I need this land for the refuge , and unless you plan on giving me enough money to buy land somewhere else I don 't plan on doing that . Not to mention the 26 cats that now call this place home , and last but not least I will not let Bill and Kate down by just giving this land to someone who will sell it to the first developer that comes by . " Kyle 's smile vanished and he straightened up . " That 's fine , " he said , " if you 'd prefer to walk away with nothing I 'm just as happy with that . I 'll get my client her land and save her money . And maybe you and your cats can all find another trailer you can call home . I think there might be a vacancy near the landfill . " Kyle stood his ground and smiled down at her . " It 's not your land , " he said . " Not yet . And I 'm guessing not ever . I was hoping you 'd be reasonable , but I should have realized that anyone who would live in a trailer surrounded by cats and filth would have no sense of reason . " With a last condescending smile he turned to go . Bex wasn 't sure when Popeye had come over and used the ground behind Kyle as his litter box . She wasn 't even sure why he would have done that - a cat outdoors was highly unlikely to defecate in an open area . She was pretty sure that Popeye actually had a very good idea of what was going on and how upset she was , and it was his way of making a statement . No matter the reason , when Kyle turned to leave and put his foot in the middle of the mess Popeye had left , Bex couldn 't contain her laughter . " Hmmmm , no , I don 't think so , " she answered , looking at him defiantly . He stood and looked at her for a long moment , then walked over to his car . He opened the door and sat down sideways in the seat . Then he turned and started the engine . When he drove away Bex sat on the gravel and laughed until the tears were running down her face . There , sitting in her driveway , was one very expensive looking brown shoe , covered in cat poop . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted on August 7 , 2016August 7 , 2016Categories A Contest of Wills , UncategorizedTags cat rescue , cats , crazy cat lady , creative writing , fiction , romanceLeave a comment on A Contest of Wills : Chapter 5 The Copeland Cats At one point my love of cats - and my very patient husband 's love of me - turned me into what some might call a crazy cat lady . ( Although I honestly don 't think ten cats is that many , especially when most of them are outdoors . ) After spending years trying to write something " serious , " I decided to go back to what comes naturally , and wrote the very sing - songy poem below about the heyday of the " Copeland Cat " era . The photo above shows the nine outdoor cats having breakfast on the porch . Although most of the cats are gone now , I have fond memories of the sight of " all the cattails wavin ' . " |
I love the sounds of winter . I especially like the crunch your boots make when it 's very cold . I go for walks with my Daddy on the weekend , even on the coldest days . He makes sure I 'm wrapped up in the warmest clothes - long underwear , thick pants , snow pants , a turtle neck , thick sweater , parka , and toque . Then he helps me put on bright red mittens and a scarf . When we go outside , I run and grab handfuls of snow . On very cold days , the snow looks like sugar and I toss it up and let it land in my face . Daddy tells me I 'm being very silly , but sometimes he does it too . Then we look at each other , laugh , and go for our walk . As we walk , I hear the crunch crunch my boots make on the snow . Daddy 's boots make that noise too . Sometimes I stretch the sound out - c - r - u - n - c - h - by setting the heal of my boot down and slowly shifting my weight to my toes . Then I spring up and do the same with my other boot . If I do that too many times , though , Daddy stops and gives me that look which means I 'd better cut it out . I guess he gets bored waiting . Sometimes Daddy gets bored faster than I do . Daddy gave me one of his looks . The one where his eyebrows get lower , his forehead gets wrinkly , and his eyes get smaller . That 's when I know it 's time to be quiet . I can get dressed without any help . When I 'm getting ready for bed , I take all my clothes off and put them in my hamper . Then I open the top drawer of my dresser and pick out the pajamas I want to wear . I like pajamas with bears . It 's easy to find pajamas I like because they almost all have bears . I put on my bottoms standing up , then I sit in my chair and put on my top . Sometimes I come upstairs by myself to read . I sit in my chair and read The Cat in the Hat , or Curious George , or Winnie the Pooh . I know some of the words but not all of them . But you can tell the story from the pictures . Winnie the Pooh is my favourite . It doesn 't have many pictures , but the story is funny . Bump bump bump goes Edward Bear 's head down the stairs . I finished putting on my pajamas , got into bed , and covered myself with my comforter . Then Daddy read my story . Yesterday we finished a story about another girl called Alice . There were hard words that Daddy had trouble saying . Tonight , the story was about a woman called Meribel . There weren 't very many pictures , but I could imagine her house by the forest and her long walks into the village . I used my mind 's eye , like Meribel . But she had heard stories about them . Once a month , Meribel walked the half - day journey to the village for supplies . When she stopped by the village fountain to rest , men gathered around and they would talk , and the talk always turned to dragons . And Meribel would smile . Her smile , with her full lips and prominent cheekbones , was contagious . When Meribel smiled , the village men found themselves smiling as well , and would really look at her , as if just then realizing how beautiful she was - deep brown eyes , tall , muscular , with a full figure that was pleasing to the eye , and light brown hair that fell half - way to her waist . Thinking she must admire their bravery , her admirers felt encouraged to tell more stories . And as they did , the dragons got bigger , their hides scalier , their fire hotter , and the men braver . But in her mind 's eye , Meribel pictured how they would run if they ever really saw a dragon , and that 's what made her smile . There was one man , Taar , who did not brag to Meribel about dragons . Taar was not a handsome man , nor was he ugly . He was over six feet tall , thin , yet muscular . Wiry . His hair , what he had left , was blond with a touch of grey . Most of the top of his head was bald . The sides and back were long , tied into a ponytail . His forehead was lined and his blue eyes crinkled when he smiled , which was rarely . But it was equally rare to see him angry . His nose was large and flat , his beard closely trimmed and flecked with grey around his chin . A clever woodsmith , he built and sold tools , hunting weapons , and musical instruments from a shop near the centre of the village . His musical instruments , which included recorders , small drums , and stringed instruments such as mandolins and fiddles , fascinated Meribel . They would talk about many things - his shop , her father , the weather , and jokes they had heard . Taar loved the sound of her laughter . Sometimes , but not often , he talked about the times before he came to live in the village , when he was a sailor . Taar came to know Meribel well . Well enough to know that she might drift off during a quiet moment , even during a conversation , to some place in her minds eye . Where it was he didn 't know and didn 't ask . After all , everyone has secret places inside themselves . If it happened - when it happened - he would wait , patiently carving a new instrument or cleaning the shop , until she was back , and he would continue their conversation from where they left off . Meribel saw many places in her minds eye , but most often she was with her mother , who had died when Meribel was a child . Alecia 's face had been warm , with crinkles around her eyes and lines on her forehead to tell you if she was happy or sad . Her lips were thin , her smile forgiving , and her voice full and confident . Meribel remembered Alecia 's apron almost as well as her face . The red and white - checkered apron with the magic pockets that seemed to have just the thing to fix what was broken , or mend what was rent . What triggered Meribel 's daydreams ? Often it was a thing she was doing . While kneeling to weed the garden , Meribel might find herself sitting on the grass beside Alecia , learning how to grind herbs into medicine . While cooking dinner , staring into the boiling water , she would turn to see her mother smiling at her , adding meat and vegetables to the boiling broth . Sitting by the fire in the evening , Meribel was once again a little girl , seated on a stool by that same fire , knitting her first pair of socks while Alecia patiently explained how to hold the needles and yarn , and to twist her wrist just so . But now Meribel and her father , Turlough lived alone , a half - day walk from the village , in the small wood - frame house Turlough had built years before . As Turlough got older , he was able to do less and less to help . But Meribel didn 't mind . When Turlough was tired , she walked with him into their house , helped him into his chair , and made him tea and stroked his hair . Meribel would speak to him about the garden , the birds she had seen , and the songs she had heard . She would ask what kind of pie to bake for their dessert ; what type of bread for their breakfast the next day . Then Turlough would close his eyes and doze until it was time for their meal . Turlough 's greatest love , other than Meribel , was his garden . Set at the back of their house , it was the home of every sort of vegetable , including potatoes , onions , cabbages , leeks , peas , lettuce , beans , and garlic . The air was scented with herbs such as basil , thyme , sage and rosemary . A well in the centre of the garden provided their fresh water . In the woods , fruit trees were plentiful and game likewise . For the few other things they needed , Meribel walked to the village once a month . On returning from the village , Meribel would call to Turlough and he would come from the garden to greet her . Meribel would take him by the arm and lead him inside to make his favourite tea . Then she would sit by him and tell him all that she had learned that day . One evening , Meribel returned from her daylong trip and called out to Turlough . There was no answer . Worried , Meribel set down her parcels and looked for her father . He was not in the garden , nor at the front of the house , so Meribel looked inside , calling to him . She found Turlough lying on the floor near his chair . Hot , feverish , weak , he didn 't seem to know his own daughter . Meribel was grateful she had her mother 's strength . Lifting him onto his bed , she wrapped him in blankets , and added extra wood to the fire . A fever could be treated with a soup of certain herbs . Alecia had taught her that . But they didn 't have the herbs she needed , and it was night . Shivering , Meribel crept to the door , took another look at her poor father , and then stepped outside , closing the door softly behind her . It was a clear night and the moon was full . For that , at least , Meribel was grateful . But there were many dangers in the woods , and Meribel faced a long walk . Most of what happened this day and night was etched in Meribel 's memory for the rest of her life . Yet she was never able to remember clearly what happened during that one fateful hour . She had been walking for some time and had managed to keep to the path . Then there was noise , pain , shouts , and she was lying on the ground , aware only of the full moon above , unable to move . There were voices , but she was aware only of the moon , and the bulky shape that passed high above between it and her . Then the shape passed in the opposite direction , bigger now . Then it passed again , and was bigger still . Then more screams , confusion , and she felt herself lifted by large , clumsy hands . Finally , she slept . Meribel woke on a bed of dry leaves in a dark place she didn 't know . There was an odd , wet smell in the air . Drifting up from the darkness before her was a column of smoke . Following the smoke with her eyes , Meribel saw that she must be in an underground cave , for the smoke rose , curling and dancing , up a wide shaft into the night sky . Daddy put the book away and bent over to give me a kiss . When he tried to get back up , I hugged him and wouldn 't let him go . Not until he tickled me . Then he put out my light , closed the door , and I heard him go down the stairs . That 's when I got out of bed . My bedroom window looks out over the street . Sometimes I like to get out of bed , climb on my chair , and put my head under the pull - down blind . When it 's cold , I can blow on the window and make steam . Just like the sewer , I thought . Then I looked down at the sewer in the dark . The streetlights were on and there was light from the windows of the houses . I could see little bits of steam coming from the sewer , curling and dancing , climbing into the sky . Then a car drove past , over the sewer . I looked at the car from behind . The red lights looked like the eyes of someone behind Alice 's mirror . Not my mirror , but Alice who goes through a mirror to a place that 's all mixed up . Was more steam coming up than before ? Maybe , but I couldn 't pay attention to the sewer . My nose was cold from pressing against the window so long . I went back to bed and buried my head in my comforter to warm up my nose . In the morning I was all warm , but my head wasn 't under the comforter any more . That happens sometimes - my sheets and comforter change sometimes after I go to sleep . Once , after Mommy put me to bed , I took my comforter and threw it on the floor . I was too hot . When I woke up in the morning it was back on my bed . I think that I might ask Daddy how that happens , but sometimes he doesn 't like questions . Mommy likes questions but doesn 't answer sometimes . Like yesterday , when I asked Mommy about the steam from the sewers after we got home . She didn 't answer . She just smiled . It was Saturday and on Saturdays I go downstairs by myself while Mommy and Daddy sleep . They need more sleep than I do . I sit on the living room floor just in front of the TV , closer than Mommy & Daddy like , but they aren 't awake yet . When I hear them , I move back and lean against the sofa and say good morning when they come downstairs . Daddy sits on the sofa and then I get up and sit on his lap while I watch TV and he tries to read the newspaper . " You don 't want to read that newspaper , " I say during the commercial . " You want to spend some quality time with your sweet daughter . " Then I show Daddy my sweet face . He just looks up at the ceiling and reads his newspaper some more . But soon Mommy calls and my blueberry pancakes are ready . They 're my favourite , with lots of maple syrup . I have two big ones and Mommy wonders how I can eat so much . Daddy eats only one , she says . I can 't answer because my mouth is full and it 's not polite , so I shrug my shoulders . Then I remember it 's not polite to shrug your shoulders . Oh well . When we are all dressed , Daddy and I walk to the bus stop and take the bus to go skating . We drive past the river , which is all frozen , and the hills on the other side are covered in snow . When we get there , we take the stairs down to the ice and enter the wooden shack . Here , Daddy helps me tie my skates then ties his own . We go back out the door and onto the ice . It 's slippery but Daddy holds my hand and this time I don 't fall too many times . Daddy falls down once where the snow has covered a hole in the ice and I laugh as he is lying on his back . I pull on his arm to help him up but he 's too heavy . Then he jumps up and lifts me up and gives me a bear hug for laughing at him . We reach the end of the ice in front of the Castle and we eat Beaver Tails . I thought it was a funny name for something to eat , but they taste good , even better than blueberry pancakes . Maybe that 's because we get to eat them outside , and you can see the steam rising from them in the cold air . " No , that 's not the Queen 's castle , " Daddy says as he swallows his Beaver Tail . That 's where visitors stay when they come to the city . They stay for a while then leave again , then more visitors come . It 's a hotel , not a castle . " So we finish our Beaver Tails and skate back to the shack where we left our boots . I 'm cold by the time we get back , but it was fun to skate . I still wish we could stay in the Castle . Mommy gives us fresh bread and baked beans for lunch , then she takes me to the library . They have a circle group in the afternoon on Saturday , and today they talk about animals that hibernate . They sleep all winter says the storyteller lady . Their bodies get colder and they live off the fat they have from all the food they eat during the summer . Reptiles hibernate too . Reptiles are things like lizards and snakes . But their bodies don 't get as cold and they wake up more easily . " Of course , " I say , taking the book . I open it to one of the front pages . " Look here , near the start . It says , ' To Alice ' . " I close the book and hand it back to Daddy . " See ? " In the village , a man walked unsteadily down the main street and entered the tavern where a hot fire crackled and sparked in a large stone fireplace . Small , round tables were set with tankards of ale and bottles of wine . Men crowded the tables , talking , laughing , drinking , and spitting . Some who were seated near the door turned and sniffed as the man entered , for he was followed closely by a strong , unpleasant smell . " Very funny , " said the man sullenly , his face , hands and clothes nearly black with soot . " Wine ! " he called to the owner as he sat at a table in the corner by himself . His neighbours glared at him and tried to shift their tables away , but could not move far in the crowded room . The tavern didn 't become quiet all at once . The quiet spread like the ripples of water when you throw a stone in a pond . Finally , someone broke the silence , calling out , " Meribel 's not here , dimwit . Your empty bragging won 't get you anywhere tonight . " Then Verdallin said something that made everyone silent again . Taking a draught of his wine , he wiped his lips with his sleeve and said in a rough , loud voice , " No Meribel 's not here , and won 't be coming back either . Now that the dragon 's got her . " In the cave , Meribel felt that the voice , while deep and rough , was not unfriendly . Startled only for an instant , she replied , " Who are you , and where am I ? Why can 't I see you ? " " I am not frightened , " said Meribel , and she realized that she was not . " I don 't believe you intend to harm me . But why have you brought me here ? My father is sick and I must attend him . " Meribel paused . She wasn 't sure . Then she became aware of the soreness of her face and arms . " I don 't know . I was in the woods . Searching for herbs to heal my father . Then something happened . Noise , hurt . I 'm not sure what … " And at this Meribel sat again on the leaves , trying to clear her head . " You spoke in your sleep . You were asleep for some time . You must return to your father now . You will be safe . The villains who hurt you have been scattered away . " And in his surprise , the dragon dropped Meribel , and she fell several feet to the ground . Then , stepping from the wood , came Taar , his giant bow held at arms ' length , an arrow held taut against the string . And he released the arrow , sending it straight and true into the neck of the dragon . The dragon roared , sent flames hither and thither , and scorched the rope that held it , so that it was free . But , limping and hobbling , it could barely sustain its flight , and skimmed the leaves of the trees . A moment later , there was a gigantic splash , and Taar knew that the dragon had plunged into the lake . She was stunned and bruised , but otherwise unhurt . Taar gathered her in his arms and carried her to her father 's cabin , and she slept like a child . There , he used the herbs in Meribel 's sack to restore her father 's health . In the days that followed , Meribel told her story to Taar and he saw to it that the men who attacked her were punished . She was angry with them , and , despite his help , angry with Taar for his part in injuring the dragon . When she was strong enough , she searched the lake but could not find its body . Then her spirits lifted , for this meant that the dragon must still be alive . Taar had longed for a way to make up for his part in injuring the dragon . When Meribel returned from the lake , he vowed to search for the dragon . Closing his store and arranging for Meribel to take care of his affairs in his absence , he set out . After a year , Taar returned . Meribel leapt upon him and kissed him and wept , and asked that he never leave her again . Taar was unable to speak for a time , but when he could , he told Meribel about his journey . He 'd travelled north until he reached the snowy tundra , lands not favoured by dragons . Then he travelled west until he reached unending plains of wild grasses . Lacking cover , these lands would not likely suit a dragon wishing to stay hidden . Finally he travelled to the east and came upon hilly terrain with villages of fishermen and hunters established in the valleys . In the taverns , he heard rumours of a large winged creature and knew he was close . He walked from the easternmost village through a forest , and in a plain just beyond found what he was looking for : a large hole in the ground , recently burrowed , from which he could smell a hint of sulfur . He sat near the hole and waited . Two days passed before the dragon flew out of its lair at night when the moon was full . When it spotted Taar , it recognized him and roared . Spreading its wings fully , it soared back towards the ground , towards Taar and readied its flame . But the dragon was puzzled that Taar did not try to escape or defend himself . " I have done you wrong , and am deeply sorry . Furthermore , you saved Meribel after she was attacked , and for that I will forever be in your debt . I bring a message from her . She begs you to return , for she would offer you the only gift she can - her friendship . " " You have expressed gratitude and the woman has offered friendship to to me , a dragon . This has never happened all in my long life . I accept . And for your long journey and the pains you took to find me , you have my gratitude . " Meribel and Taar were soon married . A year later they had a daughter , and when the daughter was old enough , Meribel took her for a walk in the woods and pointed to an opening in the ground from which white smoke rose , twisting up to the sky . Then Meribel told her the story of the dragon , and obtained her promise to tell it to her own daughter one day . And she did . And so did her daughter 's daughter , and for generations the story was passed from mother to daughter , until my mother told it to me . I lay in bed , thinking about Meribel and the dragon when I hear a funny sound outside . I get out of bed , climb on the chair , and look out through my window under the shade . It 's Daddy outside . There 's lots of snow falling , big thick flakes , and he 's shovelling the driveway . I watch him for a while , then my nose starts to get cold . But before I can start to get down , I hear another noise . It 's a truck , a big one , going down the street . It sounds like it 's coughing . That 's what happens when you drive a truck in cold weather , it gets sick . After it turns the corner , I look at the sewer again . There 's more steam coming up than there was before . The steam reminds me of something , and when I remember , I do nothing , just stare at the sewer for a long time . Then I go downstairs where Mommy is washing dishes in the kitchen . I bring along my Pooh doll , and let its head go bump , bump , bump down the stairs . Mommy smiles . She always just smiles when I ask her a question . But this time she 's trying not to cry . She puts down the plate and towel , kneels down , and holds me , my head resting in my favourite spot , on her shoulder . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Caution : This Sex Story contains strong sexual content , including Ma / Fa , Consensual , Rape , Heterosexual , Fiction , Slow , 2nd POV , Desc : Sex Story : Chapter 1 - All she wanted to do was to go home and sleep . It had been both the luckiest and the most horrible day she 'd ever experienced . Instead of sleep , she found something she didn 't know she was missing . This is a stand - alone story based on my story ' 35 ' , as seen through the eyes of Connie McCabe , an Eastern Airlines Flight Attendant . Exhaustion was a word that she knew all too well , or so she thought . After five years of flying for Eastern Airlines , she really thought she knew what the word meant . Working her schedule and then turning around and flying to another city because someone else had enough courage to quit added to the burdens they all were carrying . That forced a reshuffle of the schedule . No one was happy with it , but they all understood . That was the worst , and it was expected by management , as part of their job description , that the women would just say yes and ignore the forty - eight hour rule between flights , which used to be seventy - two for longer trips . So much for picking your schedules , she grumbled to herself . Soon that 's all going to change , she reminded herself . It 's either that , or say yes to that job in your uncle 's company . Even though the invitation had always been there , she had never taken it seriously . As bad as the pressure was in the ever changing industry , she still loved it . There was a grim smile on her face as she waked away . Keep telling yourself that girl . Just keep reminding yourself , with only a couple of hours sleep . This was a completely different kind of exhaustion , though . Today had put a completely new meaning to the phrase ' dead on your feet ' . She had tried , really tried , to close her eyes and sleep on the flight home , but the much - needed sleep eluded her . There was a responsibility to the passengers after what had happened , and she understood that . They had all gone through the same thing , and instead of dividing them , it seemed to draw them closer together . Not that it wasn 't bad , because it was . In fact , it was really bad . It could have been worse , though . Losing the nose gear as they rolled down the runway was not only a first for her , but it was the first time the five - year veteran had actually had to deploy the slides in an emergency . As hard as that had been , what followed was even worse . Between the airlines flying in their own investigators from New York and the Fed 's poking and prodding into everything , she didn 't know who to curse out first . All she wanted was to go home . Not some motel , but back home to Atlanta . So , much to the surprise of everyone , she let them all have it . She smiled grimly , as she remembered the look on their faces when she told them in no uncertain terms that they were all tired of answering the same questions over and over . Her cabin crew had been up since five - thirty the previous morning and wanted to head home like they promised . There was the mandatory three - day leave that they were entitled to . With the weekend , that made for five days before a new round of questions , forms and statements at the Miami Headquarters . It had only taken a couple of calls before Eastern Airlines relented and had the Beechcraft Queen Air refueled and warmed - up . Connie didn 't think it was as big a deal as management thought . After all the company 's investigators had flown to Harrisburg in it only hours before . Seeing as the three - man flight deck crew had had already been hustled off to a local hotel , leaving them alone at the airport departure area , it would be just the four flight attendants and their luggage going back to Atlanta . Now that she was back in Georgia , she felt better . Connie McCabe smiled for a moment as she spotted her Camaro sitting in the employee parking lot . It was her birthday present to herself , and it was loaded . It even had one of those new - fangled cassette players in it , not an eight track . If you had the right machine at home , or knew someone who did , you could even make your own tapes with your favorite music . In her case , she knew someone and they had a Beach Boys collection that would make the local radio station jealous . She knew what she was going to do . She would get in her car , turn on the tape deck and listen to Pet Sounds until she could get out of the funk she was in before driving home . As she listened to the Wilsons and their cousin , Mike Love , it soothed some of the irritation that she felt . There was something else that tickled the recesses of her mind . It had nothing to do with the near fatal crash of flight she had worked . That was strange , almost spooky , in itself . Just not the way it happened , but everything afterwords . The flight deck crew was extremely competent and well versed in handling even this emergency . Of course , the sound of the collapsing nose gear and the peeling away of part of the undercarriage was enough to panic everyone , passengers and crew alike . Thankfully , the plane was less than half - full , and the wheels under the wings remained locked in place . As Connie and the other four flight attendants deployed the slides and evacuated the plane , the sound of the crash trucks added to the confusion . It was a near thing , but everyone walked away relatively unscathed . The redhead leaned back behind the steering wheel and closed her eyes for a moment . It was only when the Beach boys started to sing , ' Wouldn 't It Be Nice ' , that the nagging thought finally came to the front . It was that thought that brought a new twist to her stomach . The guys in the operations shack told her about her sister coming in that evening with someone they had never seen before . They were pretty sure that he had been on her flight , but he didn 't look like your usual businessman . Not only that , but they were more than eager to tell her about her sister losing it when she found out about her sister 's " little mishap " on Satan 's plane . Now there 's a nickname that fits , she thought , of the Boeing 727 that had caused everyone so much grief . How stupid was it to have a registration number painted on the side with a 666 in it . Connie wasn 't very religious , but every time she saw the plane it gave her the chills . All of that drama was behind her when she got off the plane in Atlanta , or so she had thought , but she was wrong - again . She walked into the Operation Building she stepped into even more drama . This time her sister was the cause of it . Sis has gone off the rails again , she told herself . What caused it was the very public display of affection between her sister and this guy that nobody had ever seen before . That wasn 't like her sister . Not that she 'd never taken a liking to some passenger on her flight , but the public display in front of her coworkers was what was different . Is it ever going to end ? She told herself between verses of the song . Why all the hugging and kissing in public with someone she had just met in Miami - a total stranger ? Her sister was strange , but that public sign of affection wasn 't even close to the sister she knew . The answer didn 't bring joy to her life . Connie McCabe had been down that well - worn road before , and had hoped that phase in her sister 's life was over . I guess not , she grimly thought as she sighed . She turned the key in the ignition and smiled as the Beach boys started to sing a different song : ' I guess I wasn 't made for these times ' . Ain 't that the truth . She kept the grim , slightly sad faced . The drive from the airport to her mother 's family house went by quickly in the early morning hours . As she drove , keeping just under the speed limit , she thought back to the last twenty hours . Even while Connie McCabe was not the Holy Roller that most of her family were , you 'd have to be pretty jaded not to recognize when a higher power touched you . She had taken off from Harrisburg many times before , and she knew they had been only minutes away from gaining the airspeed needed to take off . If the nose gear had failed when the landed in Charlotte , North Carolina , there might not have been any survivors . All of the passengers , the flight deck crew and the five women of the cabin crew would be nothing but a memory . She didn 't have to force the smile when she remembered the comments made when the FAA crash investigation team boarded the plane in Harrisburg , as ordinary passengers . That was another hint by the Almighty that he was watching over them . They came aboard her flight all dressed in the identical navy blue sport coats , looking so important . Of course , they didn 't look as important as they hurried along the smoke and dust filled cabin , waiting their turn to go down the emergency slides . She found out later that several had more miles in the air then all of the Eastern employees crew members on that flight combined , but like her , this was a first for everyone . Investigating a crash was a lot different from being in one , was mentioned more than once . That 's something everyone could have done without , girl . The fact that the crash investigation team had experienced and observed the crash , made everything go a lot more quickly . The cabin crew really didn 't need to stay , because the people from the FAA had witnessed everything . All the women had to do was write out their statements , and give a brief , on site , interview . Connie figured that even the pilot , co - pilot , and the engineer who had been on the flight deck would probably be home later on that day . There was going to be a formal investigation in Miami on Monday , and that would be a pain in the butt . There would be two , maybe three days of interviews , going over every word of their written and oral statements , looking for errors or discrepancies in what each of the four flight attendants had written down . Then they would compare them with the exhaustive written and taped interviews with the flight crew . Finally , there were the black boxes , which were already on the way to Washington , DC . Normally , it would have been a long , slow drive home , but not tonight . . . well , this morning . She was so preoccupied with everything that had happened that the long drive seemed to be done on autopilot . She was already on the two - lane road state road that led to the Crew Quarters before she realized it . " We 're going to have to stop calling it that , " she told herself aloud . Some of their coworker 's had rented bedrooms at their house , but eventually they had found their own places . She smiled again . Some people just can 't seem to take all the peace and quiet . As she passed her cousins ' restaurant , she knew she was close to home . Her smile started to fade . By the time she turned off the paved road and passed through the open , wrought iron gates , she could start feeling herself start to tense up again . She wasn 't exactly sure what to expect , but she hoped that it would be just her and her sister . Connie was relieved to see her sister 's pickup truck sitting in front of the house . That 's a good sign , she thought . No other cars - that 's good too . What wasn 't good was that the lights were on throughout the first floor . Normally , the only lights on would have been in the front hall , and maybe one or two in the living room . As she drove by the front entrance , it looked like every light on the first floor was on . She drove around to the back of the old plantation house and parked at the rear entrance , just like always . What wasn 't like always were the lights that were on in the kitchen . Not good , she thought to herself . Even Debbie turned off the kitchen lights before going to bed . Before getting out of the car , she carefully ejected the cassette tape and placed it back in its clear plastic case . When she reached into the trunk of the Camaro , her already sore muscles started to complain even more . Connie McCabe hoped that whoever it was who had been with her sister at the operations building was long gone . The redhead didn 't even want to hear her sister talk about the latest guy , let alone see him . All she wanted was a long hot shower and some sleep . Connie carefully unlocked the back door and cautiously stepped through . The large , old plantation house was quiet . Everything was as it should have been , and that eased her mind considerably . She slowly rolled her suitcase across the wooden kitchen floor , turning off the lights as she went . The formal dining room was just as neat as always . Their housekeeper , Cleo , always kept things perfect . It seemed like the black woman had always been there . Connie didn 't give it much thought , but the woman and her family had actually been there forever , even before her and her sister were even born . She remembered seeing Cleo , when Connie was a very young girl and used to visit her mother 's family during the summer . The colored woman was in her teens back then , and was already helping her mother keep up the Sullivan house , just like her mother had helped her mother before her . No one seemed to take notice , or care , that a black family had taken the last name of the former slave owners . In fact , it was fairly common after the Civil War , but what wasn 't common was that they lived on the property , side - by - side . The very plantation that their great grandparents had been slaves on . Cleo Sullivan and her family lived in what was once considered the gatehouse for the plantation , back in the day . Unlike many of the wooden out buildings that existed on the property , the gatehouse was made of stone found on the plantation . It was one of the very few buildings that hadn 't been touched by the blue coats . Well , not too badly , anyway . It was something that Connie McCabe didn 't think about at all . Well , hardly . The colored woman was always just there . It sometimes bothered her that , after Cleo , there wouldn 't be anyone to take her place , but that was pretty much all she worried about . Sure , Cleo had two daughters and three sons , but there was only one boy left to keep things up . The rest had moved to the city for work . Just like everyone else , they left us , she thought . The redhead walked through the dining room , not noticing the rich dark brown color of the wainscoting or the massive table that had been in her mother 's family for over two hundred years . What she did notice were the chairs that had been purchased years after the end of the Civil War . General Sherman 's scroungers had taken the original ones and left the table . The only reason it was left was because they couldn 't carry it away and they weren 't interested in firewood . Connie turned off the lights and shook her head . I suppose I 'm going to have to check every room . One of these days , I 'm going to show Debbie our power bill . As the redhead walked into the living room , she put up her rolling suitcase next to the last door in the hall . She sighed as she crossed the massive living room with its two fireplaces before walking into the grand entrance of the house . Glancing around , she found everything in order . The wide , white stairway , stretching and curving up gracefully to the landing on the second floor , was largely ignored . There was nothing of importance anymore up there after the roof caved in decades ago , flooding the whole upstairs . The white railings surrounding and overlooking the ground floor were right out of Margret Mitchell 's book . That was where the bedrooms used to be before a tree fell , caving in the roof and part of the second story . They had never finished repairing the rooms that were damaged , and Connie thought that was too bad . She could remember those rooms filled with family and friends ; now they were . . . gone . Connie McCabe walked into a smaller entranceway that had been built back in the nineteen twenties . Her grandmother never liked it and called it nothing more than a fancy mudroom for guests . The redhead 's mind must 've been elsewhere , because it was only when she heard something go crunch under her foot that she looked down . Lifting her foot , she saw a shard of pottery , and there were a couple of other small pieces scattered on the floor . Connie McCabe 's anxiety level rose as she tried to imagine what had happened . There was no telling what had gone on , and if she was honest with herself , she really didn 't want to know . She quickly looked at the table directly opposite the front door , and her eyes widened . Definitely not good . She stepped over and checked the lock on the door , and found it to be bolted tight . Returning to the table , she noticed that someone had tried to clean up the evidence of the destruction of her great aunt 's favorite vase . No great loss there , she told herself as she smiled for the first time since coming in the house . It had to have been the ugliest thing ever made . Her stomach tightened as she inspected the table in the mirror behind it . There were smudge marks on the high - gloss of the table . Handprints , small handprints at that . For a moment she wondered if Cleo could have left them . Connie knew it was unlikely , but she was grasping at straws . Anything that would tell her it wasn 't her sister . She carefully placed hers over them and they were a perfect match . She felt her head starting to throb again as it confirmed what she feared . They were exactly the same size as hers . Those were Debbie 's handprints . She looked at the mirror and saw several smudges that weren 't handprints , as well . Connie was afraid she knew what they were , and wondered where her sister was . Was she hurt ? Connie walked back into the house , leaving the entrance light on . As she walked back into the entranceway with the massive staircase , her steps were less unsure . This house , in which she had spent her whole adult life , now seemed foreboding to her . Before , she had only glanced up at the second floor ; now she focused on every shadow , looking for something - anything - to tell her what had happened . Not finding anything , she quickly walked over to the open entrance way that went into the living room . She hesitated for a moment as she quickly looked to find something out of place . Her heart quickened as she stared at the couch by the fireplace . It 's been moved , she quickly told herself . She wondered who could have done that . Certainly not Debbie , because it was much too heavy for even both of them together to move . It had to have been someone bigger than both of them to slide it several feet from its usual place . As she stood behind it , she saw that the back cushions had been pressed down , as if someone had leaned over it . It was then that she noticed that there were stains on the cushions . They were dark , almost a dark brown in color . The redhead cautiously touched it with her fingernail . It had dried , whatever it was , but as she raised her hand to look at it more closely , she gasped when she saw the reddish brown crust under her fingernails . Her hand quickly started rubbing against the cushions to get rid of the dried blood . Growing up on their daddy 's farm , she knew exactly what it was . She 'd seen more than her share of cuts and injuries , growing up . No one was immune to everyday life on the farm , not even her , even blood . The redhead started to panic . She was afraid she knew who the blood belonged to . Connie McCabe suddenly shut everything out as she stared at the long hall that led to the bedrooms . She didn 't even bother turning off the lights as she left her bag standing by the couch and started walking quickly to her sister 's room . She didn 't even glance around at the other furniture in the large living room , she was so focused . She stood in front of her sister 's bedroom door , which was just across from hers . She threw the door open , without bothering to knock , looking for her sister . To her surprise , the room was empty . She looked around , disappointed , not in what she was seeing , but in what she wasn 't . She should be here ! Connie slowly entered the familiar room . In all of the years they had lived here , she could have counted the number of times she 'd been in here on one hand . The room was darker in color than hers , but seemed to fit her sister 's disposition . The bed was identical to hers and was still made , just like Cleo always did them . She has to be here , she told herself . Where else could she be ? Connie looked everywhere , even under the bed . She stood in the middle of the room and tried to compose herself . Looking around once more , she saw everything was as it should be . There were all of the little trinkets and things that her sister loved so much . Everything was where it should be except for her sister . She turned around and slowly walked out of the door , even more determined to find out what had happened to her sister . She looked at the door to her immediate left and turned the doorknob . She didn 't even have to walk in to the tiled bathroom to notice that someone had been in here . As she finally walked into the room , she knew it hadn 't been Debbie from the way things had been put back . Her sister was not the neatest person Connie had ever met . It was a bone of contention between her sister and Cleo about her lack of tidiness and her having to straighten up behind her . No , whoever had used the shower was very careful and considerate . They tried to put everything back just the way they found it . Even the towel this someone had used was folded back on the rack , instead of crumpled up laying on the counter or the floor . For some reason , the thought crossed her mind that it might have been a woman . She didn 't know too many men who took the time to straighten up after themselves . But , then , there had been that man her sister was kissing at the operations center . She looked over the room one more time , and it finally struck her , only one towel had been used , not two . Once more she thought , Where are you , sis ? She slowly backed out of the bathroom and back into the hall . The redhead looked down the hall toward the unused rooms . No one had been in there in years . Those were her grandparents ' rooms back when they were alive . After they passed on , the linens were stripped from the beds and sheets were placed over all of the furniture . It 'd been that way for as long as she and her sister had lived there . Connie looked away , knowing even Debbie would never enter those rooms . She turned to go back into the living room when she suddenly stopped and looked at the door across the hall . She wouldn 't go in there , would she ? She asked herself . That room is almost as sacred as their grandparents ' room . That was her aunt 's room when she was a child . She lived in Alabama now and had grandchildren of her own , but that was still her room . If Debbie was in there , there would be hell to pay if anyone found out . The collection of dolls in there was probably worth . . . She really didn 't know how much they were worth , but it had to be at least tens of thousands of dollars . Some went back as far as the seventeen and eighteen hundreds . She looked up and down the hall , checking to see if anyone was watching . Connie McCabe took a deep breath and shook off the feeling that she was ten years old again . This is crazy , she told herself . I 'm a grown woman , and I 've lived in this house for years . This is more our house then anyone else 's in the family . Still , she cautiously reached for the door knob and turned it . She opened it just wide enough to peek in , and her breath caught in her chest . She looked at her twin sister 's naked body sprawled out on the antique bed . Her green eyes looked quickly around the room and took it all in . Debbie was alone , and whoever she brought home wasn 't in the room with her . Her aunt 's doll collection seem to be pretty much in place and undamaged . However , the ones that decorated the bed had been moved to a rocking chair in the corner . Looking back at her younger twin lying there , not moving , she wondered if she was dead . Connie McCabe was unwilling , almost afraid , to enter the room . Connie took a deep breath and pulled the door wide open . She cautiously stepped inside , looking around for the ghosts and spirits that so many of the stories that they grew up with . She walked up to the bed , and a groan escaped from deep from within her chest when she saw the bruises and welts on her sister 's back and arms . Her first thought was , you 've done it now , girl . You brought home the wrong guy . As soon as that thought flashed through her , she felt ashamed . It wasn 't her sister 's fault that this had happened to her . It was Mister Brown and his so - called friends that did this to her . They were still imprisoned , but what they had done to Debbie and the others , remained . It was one of those animals that did this to her . They 're the ones that used her young body in ways that had made the judge and the prosecutor sick . Now there was another two legged animal on the loose . She wasn 't sure where he was , but she hoped he was long gone . But what if he was still here ? What if he was somewhere in this house ? Every part of her screamed for her to just call the Sheriff and let them handle it . Inside , she knew that was something her sister didn 't want . She didn 't need everything brought back up again . It had been bad enough when they were children and lived with their parents in Athens , Georgia . The ridicule , the looks , the whispers behind their backs , had been too much for them to take . Because they were identical twins , people didn 't even bother trying to figure out which sister was the sick pervert that had let grown men do those horrible things . It didn 't matter who it was that would let grown men user her like a sick toy . Connie received her share of looks and hushed comments , even though they were directed at her younger twin . She could 've told them that it hadn 't been her who was raped and used so brutally , but she hadn 't . Sure , she tried early on to explain , but she realized that they didn 't want to listen to what she had to say . The excuses . So , she held it all in and the twins drew even closer together . Now that they were adults , it was even more precarious . All of the airlines , not only Eastern , wanted young , good - looking , vivacious , happy women to take care of the needs of the ever - growing flying public . Even the pinheads in their offices knew this , and they encouraged and cultivated it . Connie McCabe knew exactly what would happen to her sister if they were to ever find out that she had been raped and placed in a mental institution for almost a year . Her twin sister would never work for Eastern or any other airline , ever again . Slowly , she walked up to the bed , looking for some sign that something was wrong . As she got closer , her heart started to break . She saw the bruises on her neck and shoulders . There were other marks that her rapist left on her back and buttocks , her legs and hips . Dark ugly purple things that she knew Debbie would carry for days , if not weeks . As she hovered over her sister , she saw another dark spot close to her hairline . That 's going to be harder to hide , but not impossible . Connie realized she should have been surprised at the thoughts she was having , but then again , maybe not . She 'd been doing it for years , helping Debbie keep her secret from prying eyes . She wanted , no , she needed to wake Debbie up , but she was reluctant to do so . Connie watched her twin sister sleeping peacefully , almost as if she didn 't have a care in the world . She thought she saw a little smile on her sister 's face , but it was so out of place she dismissed it . She placed her hand lightly on Debbie 's naked shoulder . You have to get up Deb , please wake up . She heard a moan coming from her sister , but it wasn 't one of pain . With Connie 's hand still resting on her shoulder , she saw the smile fade into a frown . " I 'm sorry , Gene , " Debbie mumbled in her sleep . " You were wonderful . Just hold me . " Connie was stunned as she listened to her sister talking in her sleep . What did she have to be sorry about ? It was this Gene person that had raped her - abused her - used her . She couldn 't help it , not in the state she probably was in , but it didn 't make any difference one way or the other , not to the older sister . She could feel Debbie starting to stir under her touch . She slowly started to roll over onto her back , very carefully . Connie could tell she was in pain , but there seemed to be something different about her this time . Recognition of where she was , and who was with her , came slowly to the younger twin . In fact , it was only when she was fully lying on her back that she noticed her sister . " You 're safe , Deb " , she quickly told her sister , trying to reassure her . " I think he might 've gone . Don 't worry , the house is all locked up . We 'll tell Cleo before you leave for work this morning to see if he 's still on the property . " The look of anger and shock on her sister 's face scared Connie McCabe . That was before a look of anguish came over Debbie 's face . " Gone ? He can 't be gone . He 's got to stay here . " Debbie 's head started thrashing from side to side as if she were having a seizure . That scared Connie , but not as much as the next sentence . " She 's going to kill me , Connie . I promise to take care of him , and I went fucking crazy . I 'm so screwed , sis , she 's going to rip my heart out , and I don 't blame her . " She started to see tears forming on her sister 's face Connie started to panic . She 'd been through countless episodes with her sister , going back to those bad old times , but never like this . In Connie 's mind , it didn 't make sense . This Gene , whom Debbie was talking about , had raped her . True , she knew her sister sometimes lost control , but this ? She reached over to give her sister a reassuring hug , but was surprised when she felt her sister 's arms wrap tightly around her , pulling her onto the bed . " It 's all right , Deb . Nobody 's going to hurt you . Who is it ? Who are you afraid of ? " Connie felt her sister press her face into the blouse she was still wearing . She heard a loud sniff , and felt the tears that were soaking through the thin material . The redhead didn 't care about her uniform blouse or anything at that moment . She heard her sister mumble to herself . Debbie pulled her head away from her sister 's shoulder , and Connie couldn 't believe how pitiful she looked . " Agnes , " Debbie simply told her . Connie was confused , so she just stared at her sister , forcing her to continue . " She called me when I was down in Florida . I don 't know how she got our brother 's phone number , Con , but she called me . She told me that her boyfriend was flying out of Miami on Eastern Airlines , and laying over in Atlanta , and wanted to know if I could take care of him . " The words seemed to be coming out of Debbie faster and faster . Connie was still confused , because it didn 't make any sense . Agnes ? " I met up with him at the gate , and he looked pretty normal . In fact , he was a step or two above her last boyfriend , Captain Alexander . Anyways , he 's definitely not a flyer . I could 've sworn he was going to hurl even before the plane took off . It was almost like he was afraid of . . . " The thought suddenly hit Connie hard . She grabbed hold of her sister 's shoulders , causing the other redhead to flinch in pain . " Sunny ! You 're talking about Sunny Davenport , aren 't you ! " She started to shake her twin , oblivious to whatever pain she might be in . Debbie struggle , as she sometimes did , against the grip that Connie had on her , " Ow ! That hurts , Connie . . . Let go , you 're hurting me . " Connie eased the hold that she had on her sister , but didn 't release her . Connie saw her sister nod her head . She couldn 't believe it , because she knew what kind of an asshole her sister 's rapist was . " Sorry , sis , but it can 't be her new boyfriend . The last time I saw Agnes , she kept on going on about what a butthole he was and how he didn 't really want her . All he wanted her for was sex , but he wasn 't willing to give her what she really needed . " Connie felt more than saw Debbie reach around to give her a hug . That was weird enough , being held by a twin who hated intimate female contact . Even the thought of shaking hands with another woman made Debbie feel uncomfortable . What 's happening to my sister , Debbie thought . " That 's okay , Connie , " her bruised twin started to comfort her . " She said she 's going back to her real name . She said it 's something that Gene wanted her to do , and she seems okay with it . " She pulled back and looked into the same green eyes that Mother Nature had given her . " I know , because Agnes told me when she called . She said she was an idiot before , and dumped a whole bunch of crap on him that he just couldn 't handle . She said she didn 't blame him anymore for trying to break it off , because it was really all her fault . " Connie looked at her sister as she tried to come to grips with what she was being told . It had been less than a month ago when the redhead had spent three days in Miami going through some training at Eastern Airlines headquarters . Of course she stayed in Agnes ' apartment , and even used that wreck of a VW beetle the blond owned to get around . Connie was lucky enough , this time , to have Agnes there two out of the three days . She tried to be friendly to Agnes ' roommates , and she succeeded , mostly . Except for the one that Agnes seemed to like the most , Donna . It seemed to Connie that the two of them had more in common than just being roommates . The redhead seemed a little surprised at the possessive thoughts she had when it came to Agnes Davenport . Every time she was around Donna , she somehow felt inferior and that something was missing . With Agnes , it was the complete opposite . She couldn 't swear on a stack of Bibles , but she was pretty sure her friend and the Amazon did the same thing that she and Agnes did when they got together . Connie wasn 't one hundred percent comfortable with that arrangement , but Agnes seemed to be okay with whatever was going on . She knew that anything having to do with Donna would raise Debbie 's ire , but it had to be done . Connie looked up at her sister , almost embarrassed by the sexual thoughts she was having about the smaller blonde headed woman . " It doesn 't make sense , Debbie . When I stayed with her in Miami , she was devastated . I 'd never seen her like that . Her roommate , Donna , said she had been that way ever since coming back from Raleigh . She said it affected her so bad that she was afraid Agnes might lose her job over it . " That raised Debbie 's eyebrows , but she took Connie 's hands and gently squeezed them . " I don 't know about any of that , but if you 're taking the word of that dyke about it , I don 't trust her . There 's something really strange about her . " Connie knew that her sister had no patience or compassion for homosexuals of either gender . She suspected that her younger twin knew of her more open attitude toward gay people , and probably suspected that her friendship with Agnes was more than a platonic friendship . She thought Debbie didn 't know specifically about her and Agnes , or maybe she did and for once wasn 't trying to manage things . Most relationships didn 't seem to bother Agnes Davenport , and she wanted to keep it that way . She looked at Debbie , who was looking clear eyed back at her . " All I know is that he is probably one of the nicest men I 've ever met , " Debbie continued . " The whole flight up was same thing . Like he didn 't want to be a bother , even though , I could tell , he was scared to death . You weren 't there at Operations when those buttholes handed me a piece of paper that said your flight had crashed . He thought you had died , and while I was screaming and cursing at the world , he held me as if he knew exactly how I felt . " Connie shook her head , " Unless this Gene McGuire has had a head and heart transplant in the last month , he just wanted to get into your pants , Deb . " She wanted to squash this surprising , and really annoying attitude her sister had developed . Her annoyance was increased as Debbie smiled , and her face started to turn red . " He did , " she told a surprised Connie McCabe . Debbie 's embarrassment and her smile were obvious . " Agnes told me he has this fantasy about sleeping with a redhead . Then she told me that he 'd never had a three - way ! ' " Debbie suddenly looked up in mock horror . " Can you imagine that ? Someone his age and not having multiple sex partners , with everything going on nowadays ? And you won 't believe it , but he 's hung like a frigging horse ? " Connie thought she was going to suddenly pass out . That was way too much information being delivered from someone who had just been raped . I 've got to put an end to this nonsense , she thought . Debbie is getting out of control - again . The look she gave her younger twin seemed to calm her down a little . Still , there was a brightness in her eyes that shouldn 't have been there . Connie squeezed Debbie 's hand , " Look , sis , I don 't know why you 're getting so worked up about him . I don 't care about the reason why you think it 's okay for him to use you like some kind of punching bag , but it 's not . There 's a ton of guys out there that would give their eye teeth to sleep with a redhead . It 's like we 're some fucking magnet or something , and you know it ! Besides , there are a lot of guys out there with big cocks . That doesn 't mean that they know how to use it . The last guy I knew that had a big dick was a pig . I couldn 't buy an org . . . " Debbie brought her sister 's little speech to a sudden end . It had been delivered so softly that Connie thought she had heard it wrong . " What ? " In a little louder voice , Debbie repeated , " I had one . I had an orgasm when he had me bent over the couch in the living room . " Debbie McCabe 's voice got even stronger , " He drove into me with that big cock of his so hard my face kept bouncing off the back of the couch so hard I was afraid I broke my nose . I swear , Connie , I thought my teeth were going to fall out of my head . " Connie could see a dreamy look come over her sister 's face . " Then I had another one here , right on this bed , well , a couple of them . . . I think . " Debbie frowned , " I think so , anyways . . . maybe three . . . no wait . . . definitely two . " Debbie 's eyes suddenly flashed at her , as she broke the hold her sister had on her . " It was so sudden , I was confused and kind ' a scared , Con , but not really . I knew he wouldn 't hurt me anymore . He was touching me all over . . . real gentle like . I don 't know what he was thinking , but he held me and I asked him to . . . " Connie saw this was going to be personal , very personal , for her sister . She had never described in detail what her rapists had done to her . Not even about Mr . Brown and his gang of monsters . But she was willing , if not eager , to Connie all about this . " It was incredible , sis . " Connie knew that her life had suddenly changed . Their lives had changed , actually . For the first time in almost forever , the Crews Quarters suddenly felt like a prison . She felt trapped in Debbie 's impossible world , and she was afraid she was going to get caught in it . Things were moving so quickly that she even wondered if this McGuire fella hadn 't drugged her . " You 've had orgasms before , Debbie , " Connie insisted . She had to get a handle on this and not let this fantasy of her sister 's take over . " What about that guy you met in Boston on your layover a couple of months ago ? You said he was . . . " Connie looked at her own reflection , and it was smiling . That 's what made Connie McCabe stop . Debbie had been raped and beaten only hours ago , and now she was smiling - at what ? " She said she wanted both of us to keep him busy till his plane left this morning . " The expression on Debbie McCabe 's face showed she was really enjoying this . " It seems he has some kind of house near Myrtle Beach , " Debbie happily told Connie . " She told him about me , and , I guess , you . . . " It was just too much for the older twin . " No ! " Connie almost shouted in Debbie 's face . No way I 'm going to let this McGuire butthole anywhere near me . " She was so angry that she rolled off the bed and onto her feet . " I 've got three days R & R plus the weekend off . I 'm going to spend them in Athens with the folks , and not worrying about some redneck from Raleigh drooling all over me just cause we 've got mom 's hair color ! " Connie glared at her sister as she realized Debbie was leaving something out . A really big something . Connie stared at her twin , not believing what Debbie was asking . " You want to do a three way with him ? Is that what this is all about ? " She stared at her sister , who hadn 't moved a muscle . " Are you out of your fucking mind ? " Connie was yelling at her sister now . " You can 't hardly stand it when you have to touch another woman , and you agreed to have sex with McGuire and me ? " She saw the smile vanish from Debbie 's face as she wondered what had gotten into her friend and lover , Agnes Davenport . Connie half expected her sister to explode in anger . It had happened before when someone , usually some guy , wanted to know if the two sisters had ever had three way sex together . That seemed to be another common fantasy that most guys had , besides their good looks and red curly hair . That was also when Debbie would explode in a fit of rage . If the guy was lucky , he escaped with only his ego slightly bruised . Looking at her sister , however , she saw nothing , no anger , no rage , just a quirky little smile on her lips . Connie watched her sister closely , because she knew she wasn 't beyond doing something totally outrageous and off the wall . Besides , she was a redhead . Debbie cautiously rolled to the side of the bed and sat there looking up at her twin sister . Connie watched her take a deep breath and sigh as she exhaled . " I actually thought about it , sis , but I can 't . " The smile on Debbie 's face dissolved . " When Agnes asked me to let him spend the night with us , that was one thing I knew I couldn 't do . " Debbie looked at her sister again . " You know Agnes better than I do , Connie . Why would she tell me that Gene is the best lover she 's ever known ? " Connie watched her sister cock her head to the side . " I didn 't even know what that means , but I think I do now . I admit that it was scary , but I think that 's what I needed and he knew , somehow . And when I went back to my little girl life he was just wonderful . So kind and gentle , he was some . . . " Debbie nodded her head . This was turning out to be , as their nieces and nephews would say , freaky . That was a side of Debbie 's multiple personalities that she hadn 't seen in a long time . Usually , it was her going ape shit on some guy and getting abused , pushed away , ignored and left alone in some motel or on a back road somewhere . As part of her condition , she seemed to forget the details of what happened . The unlucky object of Debbie 's attraction wasn 't so lucky . He 'd carry vivid reminders for a long time . What was with this Gene McGuire that could bring this out of her sister now ? Connie raised her hands to her face and started rubbing it . Whatever it was Debbie still has to go to work today , no matter what She pulled her hands away and looked at a very composed Debbie McCabe . Look at her , sitting on the bed looking all fresh and normal . Well , except for all of the bruises and marks he left on her body . I 'm the one freaking out - me - Connie McCabe ! What the fuck is wrong with her . Connie looked at her twin and totally felt drained . Her day had started at five - thirty yesterday morning with a short hop from Cleveland to Detroit . It went downhill from there , as it ended at three - fifteen in the afternoon , with Satan 's Plane nose down on the Harrisburg airport tarmac . " I need a shower , " was all she told her . Connie was so tired that she didn 't even bother to go to her room to get something to wear after her shower . If she had been thinking about it , she would 've asked her uncle to add a small bathroom with a shower to the rooms he remodeled for her when they first moved in . Her feet were dragging as she walked across the hall and entered the bathroom that Debbie 's . . . Debbie 's . . . ? Why was she having such a hard time saying what he really was ? She knew this McGuire person had recently been in there , but suddenly she was too tired to care . So , subconsciously , she decided she wasn 't going to use his first name . She didn 't want him to be on a first name basis with her . . . whatever he 'd done to her sister . Rapist , She finally told herself . That 's what he is . After turning on the shower , she stripped off her uniform , dropping it on the tiled floor . It was soon joined by her undergarments , but not without a little cursing . She had snagged her pantyhose as she pulled them down . My last pair of pantyhose , she reminded herself . Now she 'd have to go shopping when she got back to the home place . She glanced at herself in the big mirrors opposite the shower . Connie McCabe smiled as she thought , Not bad for someone who 's going to be twenty - six years old next year . She critically looked at herself as her hands massaged her breasts . It wasn 't meant to be sexual , after all , just the thought of having them encased in a bra for over twenty - four hours straight was enough to make her girls hurt . Stepping into the shower , the redhead noticed that the showerhead had been moved . Connie idly thought , This McGuire 's a tall one . Reaching up , she tilted the showerhead down as the sharp spray started waking up some feeling in her skin . She slowly rotated under the spray with her eyes closed . She wet her hair and reached for their favorite shampoo . Her fingers dug deep into her hair as she worked to clean three day 's worth of grime out of her hair . It felt good , good enough to make her forget the weird conversation that she had just had with her sister . The redhead continued to soap and rinse herself down as she cleaned away the sweat and grime of the last twenty - four hours . As she washed , she paid particular attention to her breasts . She hated wearing a brassiere , and any time she could 've avoided it , she had . Unfortunately for her , she needed to wear one . She was always jealous of women who had an A or B cup . They could probably get away with not wearing a boulder holder if the dress was heavy enough . July in the Deep South made that almost impossible . With Connie measuring a generous C , she had never had that option . Of course , the male passengers would have enjoyed it immensely if she had . The enjoyment of getting clean was suddenly replaced by a sense of fear as she heard the shower door slide open . He 's awake ! Debbie 's rapist is behind me . What 's he going to do now ? He probably thinks I 'm Debbie . She was facing the shower - head with her back to the intruder , afraid to turn around . For a moment , relief washed over her , as her heart that was in her throat sank back into her chest . She waited for her breathing to return back to normal before she turned around . That was when her heart started to beat faster once again . " Debbie ? " She said aloud , even as she chastised herself for looking at her reflection staring back at her . That was common enough . Looking at your reflection , your twin sister , standing in the shower naked was not . " What are you doing here , " she asked . She was surprised by the calm tone of her voice , because she was anything but calm . They had always taken their baths and showers separately , even as small children . It drove her mother crazy , because it was twice the work , but Debbie was adamant . Connie had always accepted this little quirk of her sister 's . After the rapes and the trial of Mister Brown , her younger sister had become more . . . even more . . . shy about her body . The two sisters stood in the shower looking at each other . Connie saw a need in her sister 's face . She wondered what her sister saw as she looked back . What am I going to do , Connie wondered ? The elder twin didn 't have to wonder , because it was Debbie that took the few steps needed till they were almost touching . Connie stood still , not trusting herself to move or even look into the eyes of someone she 'd known all of her life . Someone she loved , even when no one else did . This wasn 't the Deborah McCabe that she knew . The spray from the shower continued to plummet on her back and shoulders as her eyes cautiously started to look at this woman who she suddenly no longer knew . Connie could see the telltale signs of her sister 's nervousness . It was all there , the way she subtly shifted from foot to foot , how her eyes moved to avoid eye contact , as well as the clinching and unclenching of her fists . They both had seen the same thing in passengers , but this was different . This wasn 't some frightened passenger , this was her sister . And the reason for this change was probably still somewhere in the house . " What 's going on , Debbie ? " The shower that Connie was taking didn 't feel as good as before . Why can 't I just take a shower without all of this drama ? All I want to do is to drive over to Athens and be with the folks for a few days . I really need - I really deserve some time off . The redhead was so wrapped up in her desire to spend some time away that she didn 't realize her sister had walked up in front of her . The shower spray was hitting both of them now , and she couldn 't help but admire the fitness of her sister . Of course , because they were identical twins , Connie had the same body shape , and even being naked without the bruises , someone would be hard - pressed to tell them apart . Debbie 's infatuation . . . ? Was this all it was ? Infatuation ? Whatever it was , it was dangerous . " Why , Debbie ? " she asked . " Why should I put myself in a position like that ? When he sees me he 's probably going to think that I 'm you anyways . Don 't you think I 've gone through enough today without bothering with your perverted boyfriend ? Even with the shower pelting her in the face , she could see that tears were starting to form in Debbie 's eyes . " I did something really bad to him . I swear , it drove him to do what you did , and it 's all my fault . I can 't talk to him about it . I want to apologize , but I know it 's not going to be enough . It was really , really bad , Sis . " Connie couldn 't imagine what was so bad that her sister couldn 't apologize . She knew almost everything that her sister had done over the years , and she knew Debbie had it in her to apologize . So , what did you do , sister ? What 's the big , evil thing that you did ? Watching Debbie 's face and seeing the mixture of shame and sorrow on it almost drove Connie out of the shower . " Agnes says that he has an eight - year - old niece who lives with him . Agnes said that she 's one of the smartest kids she 's ever seen , and you know how much Agnes dislikes children in general . Anyways , she said that when they 're together , it 's more like father and daughter , rather than uncle and niece . " Connie was interrupted a very serious looking Debbie McCabe . " See ? That 's exactly what I thought , Connie . An older adult male with an eight - year - old girl , it 's all there . The only problem is , I put two and two together , and it came out five . Just like you did just now . I don 't think he 'd do that , even if you put a gun to his head . " Constance McCabe looked at her sister and slowly realized what Debbie had done . " Tell me you didn 't , " Connie cautiously asked her sister , as a ball of lead formed in the pit of her stomach . Looking at her own reflection , all Debbie could do was nod her head . " Deborah Athena McCabe , how could you ? " She was almost yelling at her younger half again . " You know as well as I do that Sunny Davenport would never go out with someone like that ! " Connie stared at her younger sister , not believing what she had done . It was then that Debbie McCabe broke down . It was out of pure reflex and sisterly love that Connie wrapped her arms around her sister and pulled her close to her . " Sh - hhhh , Deb , It 'll be alright , " she tried to calm her sobbing sister . " Everything will be alright . " Debbie McCabe 's arms slowly , almost tentatively , went around her sister . Connie could feel her sister trembling as she held her close , Debbie 's face pressing into her breasts . Debbie carefully placed the side of her head against Connie 's shoulder . " No , it 's not , Con . I accused him of having sex with his eight - year - old niece . He started to deny it , but I kept picking at him , hoping that he would get mad at me and give me what I needed . " Connie could feel her twin sister moving her head against her shoulder as she tried to look up into her face . " He kept apologizing and telling me I was wrong . He kept on saying over and over again that he loved his niece , and he couldn 't hurt her like that . " Connie listened to not only what she was saying , but how she was saying it . It was something that she had learned to do with Debbie and her many moods . She could feel Debbie moving against her , not in a sexual way , thank god , but in a nervous way , twitching a moment . " I started to lose it , Connie . I started acting like Mister Brown , and I . . . " Connie held onto her sister more tightly as the water cascaded down on both of their bodies . " Sh - hhh , Deb ! " She whispered . " Mister Brown was a monster and animal , and so were his friends . You 're nothing like them , Debbie . " Connie 's fingers reached over and absentmindedly started to stroke and pull on her sisters red , curly hair . " For a moment there - in the truck - I was , " Debbie almost serenely told her sister . " I had the power to make him do whatever I wanted . But then it was gone , and I got scared and told him I was going to call the Sheriff and tell them that he was a child molester . " Connie was stunned by what she was hearing . Debbie was the victim , never the aggressor . She looked at her twin , open mouthed , " So , did you ? " She knew it was a stupid question as soon as it left her mouth , but Debbie didn 't seem to notice . In fact , her sister seemed stronger than she had ever seen her . " There was something in his eyes that scared me , sis . It wasn 't just some guy going all caveman on me . Trust me , I know the type . This was different . I think I told him that no man his age would take in an eight - year - old girl , unless he was some kind of pervert . " Connie watched her sister lower her head in shame . " At least , that 's the way I remember it . . . I was kind of out of it , so I could be wrong . " She looked back up at her sister and the intensity of Debbie 's stare shook her to her core . She felt Debbie take her hand , clutching it tightly . Looking into her sister 's green eyes , she felt that connection that twins sometimes have . " What is it , Debbie ? What 's wrong ? " It was all Connie could do to not laugh at her sister 's suggestion . Why in the world what I want to help the man that raped and molested you ? What kind of help does he need that a very sharp knife wouldn 't fix . Instead , she simply asked , " Why . " Thankfully , her sister didn 't have a ready - made answer . " I don 't know , Con . When Agnes called me from Myrtle Beach , she told me a little bit about Gene . She said he 'd been in the Navy for a long time , and got out because of some kind of problem . She didn 't actually say what it was , but I 'm guessing it was some girl he was dating , or something . Anyways , and Agnes said that , after that , he only had a couple of female friends . She thinks his niece , Jennifer , is the only female that he trusts , with the exception of one other . That 's kind of weird , though . How can a grown man trust an eight - year - old girl like that ? " She held her trembling sister closely to her , and felt an unwanted happiness that her sister trusted her enough to be this close . " I don 't know , Deb , I don 't know . " She collected her thoughts , and was amazed at how she suddenly felt . Constance McCabe , with everything that had happened to her in the last twenty - four hours , was at peace . She knew Sunny Davenport , no , Agnes , she corrected herself . As open and carefree as the little blonde seemed to be , she was anything but . The more she got to know her , the more she realized how cautious she really was . She was sure that there were some things that she didn 't know about her blond headed lover and friend . Maybe , in time , Agnes would open up to her , but in the scheme of things , it didn 't make any difference . She gently pushed her sister away from her and looked into Debbie 's eyes . " I 'm not sure what 's going on in Agnes ' head , Deb . The fact that she trusts us to take him in is one thing , but you having sex with McGuire , that 's strange , even for Agnes . She 's never offered up her boyfriends before , not that I would ever say yes to some of those creeps she 's dated . " Connie suddenly stopped and stared at her sister . She could tell Debbie was starting to get self - conscious , not from just standing naked in the shower with her sister , but also from the vacant stare she noticed on her sister 's face . " What is it , sis ? " Debbie asked . No ! Definitely not ! After all she 's been through and all of the bottom feeders that ended up in her bed ? Agnes Davenport had to pick McGuire ? The thought didn 't come easily to her lips , She can 't be serious about the guy that assaulted and raped my sister ? Connie managed to reach around and turn the shower off without shaking her head at her sister 's comment . They both dried off and pulled the matching , oversized terrycloth bathrobes around them . They even stood in front of the twin sinks together without saying a word . Occasionally they would glance over at each other , but the conversation and the unexpected intimacy had disappeared when the shower was turned off . They finally ran out of things to do so they wouldn 't have to talk to each other . Connie turned to her sister , " You 've still got about four hours before you have to leave for the airport . Why don 't you try to take a nap or something ? I 'll wake you up in time for us to have breakfast before you have to go . Connie saw a smile crossing her sister 's lips , " Sounds like a good idea , sis . Could you do me a favor and check the house , please ? I don 't think Gene is the kind of person to just run when things get bad . He 's probably sleeping somewhere , maybe in one of the bedrooms . " The two sisters separated , Debbie going to her bedroom and Connie standing there , wondering why she couldn 't catch a break . Debbie 's " good idea " didn 't sound like a good idea to the older sister . No matter what Debbie said , she still couldn 't get by the one thing that made this all so creepy . Gene McGuire , Agnes ' boyfriend , had used her sister as a punching bag . That made Connie McCabe seriously considered pulling the old 38 caliber revolver out of her underwear drawer , just in case . Then she , not so seriously , thought about the 30 . 30 long gun and the 10 gauge double barrel shotgun that were sitting in her closet . All three weapons were loaded and ready to go . Her father and her uncles had told her that an unloaded weapon was nothing more than a licensed club or rock . When someone broke in , that wasn 't what you needed to defend yourself . Connie McCabe wandered through the big house . She checked all of the bedrooms , including her grandparent 's rooms at the end of the hall . She rechecked the mammoth living room with the double fireplaces . The couch closest to the front door made her shake her head again . The back of the couch was stained with blood , her sister 's blood . That made her reconsider wandering through the house unarmed , which she rejected for a second time . It was only when she was going to check the upstairs that she noticed him sleeping on the other couch . As she cautiously approached , she wondered how any person could sleep as heavily as he did . Especially after what he had done to Debbie . Maybe it was because of what he did to Debbie . Didn 't he feel anything ? From the end of the couch , she watched him sleeping , as if he didn 't have a care in the world . She slowly walked around the back of the couch , watching for some movement from him . She was really amazed at his ability to sleep undisturbed . She expected him at any moment to suddenly spring up and grab her , thinking she was Debbie . But it never happened . She walked all the way around the couch looking at this man that her lover , Agnes Davenport , seemed to think so highly of . The first thing that came to Connie 's mind was that he was old . It wasn 't like he had gray hair or anything , but if you looked at him , you could just tell . He 's probably around forty , she told herself . Even at forty he looks pretty good . She knew quite a few men who were around his age . Most of them had sunk into the sedentary life . Couch potatoes , came to her mind . Well , at least he wasn 't a couch potato . From the outdoorsy look on his face , he probably works outside a lot . Probably in construction or something like that . You can usually tell by the way they 're built . Connie could feel herself relaxing a little as she tried to figure out this McGuire person . Everybody has their secrets , Connie told herself . Debbie said he had secrets and Connie was sure that Agnes had a couple of her own . It 's not like the McCabe sisters don 't have something to hide . My sister is a wacko , and I 'm helping her to hide it from everyone else . |
It was the day before the last day of the school year . Lorelei Winslow stood at the bottom of the stairs and shouted upstairs to her daughter . " Mel , please make sure Kevin is up and is getting ready for school . " She thought , ' If he 's still in bed I 'll pull the blanket and sheet off him . He 'll be totally embarrassed having his naked body exposed to me . ' The idea made her giggle . She checked her hair one last time , making sure none of the cornrows were coming loose , and walked to the door of Kevin 's bedroom . She opened the door and peeked inside . Clothes were everywhere on the floor , as usual . His computer was on , displaying a MozBros screensaver . The blinds were closed , and the bed looked like Kevin hadn 't slept in it . It was neatly made , definitely not something Kevin would do unless their mom yelled at him - and that usually took a couple days of yelling . Mel walked into Kevin 's room and looked around , then called out in a sing - song voice , " Kevin , Kevin , come out , come out , wherever you are ! " Nothing . " Kevin ! Where are you ? " she shouted . There was no response . She turned and ran downstairs . " Mom , Kevin isn 't in his room , and he wasn 't in the bathroom ' cause I was . His bed looks like he hadn 't slept in it , or that he made it this morning . Could he have left for school already ? " Jackson took a bite of his bagel , then looked at Kevin . " I still say it 's sort of weird for you to be gay and in the closet when your twin sister is gay and out . Isn 't it ? " " Yeah . But I still think it would be way weird for me to come out at school . It 'd be all , ' Oh , there goes her brother . Did you know he 's gay , too ? ' Or , ' I hear his sister 's a lesbo and she turned him gay . ' Shit like that . " Kevin thought for a moment . " We just shut ' em down , tell ' em we 've known each other since second grade and are best friends but not boyfriends . One black varsity football player coming out gay is on the edge of what 's okay . Two black varsity football players coming out gay and being boyfriends ? No one 's ever gonna think that . Or believe any rumors like that . Almost no black guys who play sports in high school or college admit to being gay . Absolutely no way two black guys who play sports in high school or college are boyfriends . Everyone knows that . " " We 're an example that proves that 's a crock of shit , " Jackson countered . " I think there are a lot of black guys who play sports and are gay and have boyfriends . And are out , too . " " Maybe , but I don 't know about any of them and I don 't want to come out until I 'm finished with college . Being black and gay means the college recruiters are gonna take one look and say ' sorry ' and no scholarship . Remember that black basketball player somewhere back east who came out when he was in high school ? He was good , I mean really good ! The college recruiters all basically said ' bye - bye ' and he 's doing something totally different with his life . No basketball in college . No basketball in the NBA . " " I don 't plan on going out for pro football , " Kevin said . " But I sure want to play football in college and get a football scholarship at a major school like Stanford or Cal , one that has a great academic reputation . I need the scholarship , otherwise I 'll be going to community college for two years , then two years at San Jose State . So I don 't want to have the college recruiters taking one look and saying ' sorry ' because I came out as gay in high school . That could mean no scholarship for me . " " I wanted a Tonka toy truck , a backhoe . That 's kind of a special - purpose truck they use when they 're digging a trench . Anyway , I wanted it bad and my mom wouldn 't buy it for me because it was expensive , like fifty bucks or something . So I ran away . " " Stop laughing ! " But Kevin started laughing , too . " Yeah , for a toy truck . My grandfathers were both truck drivers . Not the long - hall kind , but the special purpose kinds used in construction , like a road grader and a backhoe . I had almost the complete collection of the kinds of trucks they drove , and the Tonka backhoe was the one I wanted the most . My granddads would get together and each give me a Tonka truck at Christmas or my birthday . But I really wanted that backhoe , and didn 't want to wait for it . So when my mom wouldn 't buy it for me , I ran away from home . " Now , if I 'm not around and I didn 't tell my mom where I was going , the first thing she thinks is I 've run away again . Then she 'll get my dad all excited about it , and then Mel will get all pissed at me about it , and Dylan will be all worried , and then when I come home from visiting a friend or skateboarding at the park or whatever I was doing , all four of them will be all over me . Like , ' You 're supposed to tell us where you 're going when you leave the house . ' Mel will smart mouth me and tell me that she always tells Mom or Dad , so why can 't I ? And so on and on and on for an hour , maybe longer . You 'd think that ten years after I ran away they 'd have dropped this whole running away thing . " " I don 't know . " He pulled his cellphone out of his pocket and turned it on . ' Battery critically low ! Outgoing 911 emergency calls only ' was displayed on the screen . " Fuck ! I forgot to recharge the battery . Normally I 'd drop it onto the charging pad . Because I was at your house last night I didn 't think about plugging it in . Thing is , I don 't know why they didn 't call your house . Of course , they 'd have to look it up , but they know your name . " " We have an unlisted number so we 're not in the phone book . Most doctors have unlisted phone numbers to keep from getting calls from patients at all hours . So what are you going to do , Kev ? " Jackson thought for a couple seconds . " Okay , you 've got the note in your pocket . Unfold it and put it back in your pocket so it 's sort of sticking out and some of the writing shows . Then we go to school as usual , and when you see Mel and she starts to go all ballistic , say ' what 's the big deal , I left a note saying I was coming to school early today . ' When she rags on you about it she 'll see the note sticking out of your shirt pocket . You 'll have a perfect alibi . " Kevin grinned . " I think that 'll work . Jackson , my man , you are a fuckin ' genius ! " He grabbed his boyfriend and pulled him into a kiss . After about five seconds they pulled apart , both breathing hard and a bit hard elsewhere and laughing . Jackson grinned . " Did you ever get that backhoe truck ? Or was it a hhho ? " he said , pronouncing the ' hhho ' in a breathy voice . " Ass - hhhole ! " Kevin responded , pronouncing the ' hhho ' part the same breathy way . " Yes , I got the backhoe , which isn 't called a backhoe truck . My grandfathers got together and gave it to me for my seventh birthday . " Jackson grabbed Kevin 's arm to make them stop walking . " Oh , my ! You see who I spy with my little eye ? " he asked , mimicking Kevin 's little - kid voice . " Your sister is about two blocks ahead of us . She was coming down Delta and turned onto Park . That 's when I recognized her backpack , the one with the huge picture of Einstein 's head on the back . " " Fuck ! " Kevin grumbled when he finally saw her . " What 's she doing down here ? She wouldn 't be anywhere near here if she was walking to school from our house . " " Fuck ! " Kevin said , again . He took a deep breath which he exhaled with a moan . The traffic signal changed and they walked across the street . Mel was continuing to walk ahead of them . " Probably that . She 's already another block ahead of us , so let 's get moving so we get to school on time . The last thing we need is to be late and each get a tardy slip on the next - to - last day of school . " As they approached the River Road entrance to the Riverside High campus , Jackson bumped shoulders with Kevin . " Mel 's standing next to the entrance of building 400 . She 's waiting to catch you on your way to homeroom . " " No . What is says is , ' I decided to walk to school with Jackson so we could plan how we 're going to exercise this summer to stay in condition for football tryouts when they start in July . ' That 's my reason , and I 'm sticking to it . " " Fuckin ' right we are ! We 've gotta be on the first string in our senior year . That way we can get our football scholarships , and that means we 've gotta be exercising and building our muscles . " As they approached where Mel was standing Kevin could see her glaring at him . If that wasn 't enough , she was pointing at him and didn 't lower her index finger until he was right in front of her . " Kevin Winslow , where the fuck have you been ? " she demanded . She jammed her finger into his stomach , hard . " It was already off when I left . No one was downstairs , but the coffeemaker was making coffee so I knew Mom had already turned off the alarm . I just walked out the front door and left . " " I don 't care what you believe . I left my dirty clothes on the floor . No point in picking them up when I 'm gonna wash ' em tonight . Like I always do every Thursday night . " It seemed like Mel couldn 't think of what to say next , so she just stared at him for several seconds . Then she sneered and shook her head . " So , you left a note on the kitchen table ? " " OW ! God damn it ! That hurt ! You 've got sharp fingernails . " He rubbed his pocket , hard , and felt the note that was sticking out . He pulled it out and looked at it . " Oh , crap ! Well , that was dumb ! I forgot to leave my note . Here , you can read it yourself . " He handed it to her , and she read it . " How can you be so stupid to forget to leave this note ? " Mel asked . " It was early . You know my brain is still half asleep when we leave for school . I left even earlier than usual because I had to walk all the way to Jackson 's house first . He even fed me breakfast when I got there . " " You better call Mom before she calls the FBI , " Mel told Kevin . She glared at him for a couple seconds , handed him the note , then turned and joined the throng of kids entering the building . Kevin was glad that his little act seemed to have convinced Mel that he 'd actually forgotten to leave the note . " Nope . I don 't want to be late for homeroom and be marked tardy or absent . I 'll call her later . How ' bout you loan me your cell since mine 's dead ? " " Here . Just remember to give it back when you 're done with it . Let 's go in an ' grab a couple desks that are next to each other . " After they took their seats , Jackson poked Kevin in his arm . " Your sister asked a question about leaving the house without setting off your alarm . How 'd you do that last night ? " " Third , the peak of our garage roof is about three feet below my window . So I went back to my bedroom and climbed out , dropped onto the roof , closed the window , walked to the edge of the roof , jumped down onto the grass , and left for your house . If you look in the waste basket in your bathroom you 'll find a big wad of cotton . My personal low - tech silencer . " " Nope . My mom turned off the alarm this morning , as usual . Since I 'd closed the window when I escaped it had reset so it didn 't show that it 'd been disabled . Cool , ' eh ? " " Okay ! I 'll be right outside the door . Shouldn 't take more ' n a couple minutes , then I 'll be right back . Thank you . " When Kevin talked to his mom and explained that he forgot the note in his pocket , and that Mel had seen the note , that seemed to satisfy her and she calmed down . He returned to the classroom , thanked Ms . Forbes , and told her everything was fine at home . He took his seat and slipped the phone back to Jackson . Jackson bumped shoulders with him . " Thanks , " he whispered . Then they sort of listened to the principal 's announcements . " Good morning . This is Principal Phyllis Merrick with today 's Riverside High School daily announcements . Since there 's nothing scheduled for today except your regular classes , I 'll be talking about tomorrow , Friday , the 9th of June , 2017 , the last day of the current school year . So , let 's get started . " So what ? This whole week is basically useless . We had our finals last week , why do we have to come back and spend these five days in school accomplishing nothing ? " Kevin shrugged . " I guess they need to make sure we 've had the number of days of instruction the state requires . Remember , we had that week off this winter because the gas line ruptured and we had no heat . Also , during finals week we only came to school on days the classes we were taking had finals . I only had to come on three days because of the way my finals were scheduled . " " Yeah , the folks went to visit my grandma in the hospital today and won 't be back until tomorrow night . But Steve will be home . He 'll probably bring some friends home with him , " Jackson said . Jackson rolled his eyes . " Of course he knows we 're boyfriends . He 's thirteen years old so I 'm sure he knows what we do when we 're together . He 's cool about it . " " Of course he knows . His bedroom has the same kind of lock . But he won 't try to come in my bedroom unless it 's an emergency , like I 'm shouting for help or something like that . " As Jackson had said , almost all of the classes were useless and boring . The non - useless class was seventh period PE , which was held in Garrison Stadium . It was a thank - you shout - out for each of the graduating seniors who had been on the Riverside High teams during the 2016 - 2017 school year . That was followed by announcements by the coaches about the fall season team sports , schedules , eligibility requirements , and summer training schedules . " Whoa ! I never thought about that . You 're right , the only reason it worked was because you forgot to leave the note . That is freakin ' lucky ! " Kevin grinned . " I agree . I love it when something turns out perfect even though the planning was all fucked up . " " Yeah . Like in the Santa Margarita game when Vincent threw that pass right to one of their defenders and before he went two yards you stole the ball right out of the guy 's hands and ran for the winning TD and the Division 2 state title . Ya ' know , you 're on a lucky streak . Just keep it up . " " True that ! " Kevin agreed . " So , since you brought it up , what do you want to do when we get to your house ? " He wiggled his eyebrows and grinned . " This is new . It 's high school football . A friend of mine who goes to Lone Tree High is this super - advanced game developer and he 's only a junior . It 's like the College and NFL ones we 've been playing but better . It 's got the whole league , all the teams , all the players . The graphics are okay but not fantastic , the names and numbers on the uniforms are correct . Thing is , it never 'll be sold because the players are minors and he wouldn 't be able to get rights from the CIF . He did it as his term project for a night class he 's taking at Los Medanos College . He gave it to me because I agreed to test it . I said I 'd play it with you and told him your name , and he said it 's okay . He 's gotta turn the app in the end of next week . So , he let me download the game yesterday after school . So , what do you think about testing it ? " " Absolutely ! And our uniforms and numbers are right , too ! And all of the teams we played like Santa Margarita , Lone Tree , Muir , Serra , Whitney , Lincoln , and the rest of them . " " This sounds fantastic . We can replay the Santa Margarita game . I was thinking about what would of happened if the pass had been incomplete instead of intercepted . Or if Vincent had thrown it to me instead of blowing the pass play . " Jackson grinned . " That 's a great idea ! Just think if we could show game replays to Coach Reynolds . We could show him the what - ifs for our games . Too bad we can 't do it . I promised Will Rykes that you and I would be the only ones to see the game . " " I 'll go along with that , " Kevin said . " Hmm … here 's an idea . The video card in my PC includes a program called ShadowPlay . It captures game play , and the instructions say you can start and end it where you want . What if we capture that pass play , once for each of the possible options , then convert the output to MP4 files and burn them onto a DVD . Then we can show it to Coach without using the actual game program . If he wants to he could show it during a team meeting . No one would know what program we were using . If anyone asks we 'll say it 's under an NDA . " " It 's a non - disclosure agreement . One night my dad was talking about one of his cases and he said ' NDA ' and I asked what it meant . So , your friend gave you the game under a verbal NDA that says you can only show it to me . That means it can 't be shown to or discussed with anyone else . But the output of the game play is yours and isn 't included in the NDA because there 's no way to recognize what game program was used . Of course , you should check with your friend and make sure he 's okay with us doing that . How 's that sound ? " " I don 't know , I 've never used ShadowPlay . But it 's worth a try once we figure out how to play the game . We 've got all summer to put it together , don ' chya think ? " Kevin asked . The first thing Jackson did when they got to his bedroom was remind Kevin to plug in his phone to charge the battery . The second thing was to phone Will Rykes . After the call he grinned . " You probably figured out that Will said playing a recording of game play is okay with him . He 'd like to get a copy of what we record . " It took several minutes to install the game . " Must be taking so long because of all the graphics , " Jackson said . " Will has it on his website and he gave me the password so I could see it running . " " Okay , it 's asking for the opposing teams . We have to select the home team first . " Jackson picked Riverside High School . " Now , who do you want to be our opponent ? " " Okay . Also , I noticed that Riverside High isn 't a choice to be our opponent . That means we can 't play a scrimmage game against our second team . I think he should allow that . Just don 't allow us to use any player on both teams at the same time . " " Now we need to pick the squad for each team . The first and second squads are already set up . Let 's just use those , the first squad for each team . Okay ? " " Definitely . We don 't need to pick eleven players for each team . That would take a long time . But we can change specific players , like to replace Vincent with Cooper , or whatever . " Kevin 's phone began playing his ring tone , Justin Bieber 's ' Love Yourself , ' so he unplugged the charger cord and looked at the screen . " It 's my mom . She probably forgot that I told her I was coming to your house . " " I 'm at Jackson 's . I 'll check with his brother . He goes to Edison too . When I track him down I 'll tell him to go home immediately . If I can 't track him down I 'll call you . " " I saw him , " Jeff said . " He was carrying his soccer ball and heading toward Delta Park . We got out a half - hour early , so he might have headed over there to meet up with some friends and kick the ball around for a while . " " Crap ! I gotta go to Delta Park and see if he 's there and send him home . Still , it 's not like him to go somewhere after school without telling my mom , " Kevin said . " I really wish my mom would let him have a cellphone . But she says not until high school . " " Jeff and I will go with you , if that 's okay , " Steve said . " We 've seen this game about a dozen times . We were watching it again because we couldn 't think of anything else to do . " " It 's a good idea , but if he went somewhere else then we wouldn 't have any idea where that might be . Like Jeff said , it 's likely he went to the park to meet up with some friends , " Kevin said . " How do we get to the soccer field ? " he asked . " The easiest way from here is to walk down Park Street , hang a right on Kinney , then left at the first road into the park , " Jeff said . " The first thing we come to is the parking lot . At the other end of the lot there 's a building with a snack bar and men 's and women 's restrooms . Just past the building there 's two soccer fields , side by side . " " Jeff , call 911 . Tell them … . " Kevin was interrupted by another scream , and then , " Oh god , oh god , oh god ! Make him stop ! " followed by crying . " Got it , " Jeff said . " I 'll tell them we need the police and an ambulance at the end of the parking lot near the Delta Park snack bar and that I 'll wait for them there . " Jeff ran back to the parking lot to make the call . When Kevin and Jackson got to the men 's bathroom Dylan run out the door . They gasped when they saw that his shirt was covered in blood . Dylan stopped and threw up in the grass along the sidewalk . He looked up when Kevin grabbed his arm . Steve was shocked by Dylan 's appearance . " Oh my god ! Come on , sit down on the bench over there . " He and Kevin helped Dylan to the bench , and they all sat down . A guy ran out just as Jackson got to the men 's bathroom door . Jackson stepped out of the way then grabbed the guy by his arm to stop him . He recognized Bruce Waserly , a senior at Riverside High . " We already called for an ambulance and the police , " Jackson said . " They should be here in a few minutes . You need to stick around . " He pulled him alongside the bench then pushed him down so he was sitting on the grass . Steve heard what Bruce said . " I 'll go see . " He walked into the men 's bathroom and saw a teenager lying on the concrete floor , crying . Steve returned and reported what he 'd seen . " There 's a guy in the bathroom laying on the floor , crying . His pants and boxers are down around his ankles . He 's holding his hands over his crotch and they 're covered in blood , and there 's blood on the floor . It looks like he might have been knifed . " Bruce looked up . " It 's Lane Sanders . He wasn 't knifed . He asked that kid , " he pointed to Dylan , " to suck him off but the kid bit off the end of his dick . He might be bleeding to death . " Dylan shouted , " He didn 't ask me to suck him off . He forced me . I didn 't bite it off , but I think I damaged it real bad . I wish I had bit the whole thing off ! " They heard sirens and a minute later Jeff ran up with two policemen . Two EMTs followed them . When the EMTs saw the blood on Dylan 's shirt one of them went over to see if he was injured . He checked Dylan and determined that , other than the bruise on his cheek and jaw , he hadn 't been injured . " I was attacked by two guys , " Dylan said . " One of them is there , sitting on the ground . His name is Bruce Waserly . The other guy is in the bathroom . His name is Lane Sanders . Lane tried to force me to suck his dick . I bit the head of his dick until it was bleeding . This is his blood all over my clothes . I am freakin ' pissed at this guy and what he did to me . I really hope he can never use his dick for the rest of his life without it hurting like hell . " He was interrupted when Officer Gomez returned from the bathroom . He gestured to the other EMT . " There 's an injured kid in the men 's bathroom and he 's bleeding . I 'll go in with you . " He pointed to Steve . " And you , stay out . Understand ? " " I 'm graduating tomorrow , so we got out of school a half - hour early today . I walked to the soccer field here in Delta Park where I met some of my friends to have a little three - on - three kick - around . I can give you their names if you want them . " After my friends left I had to take a leak , so I went to the men 's bathroom . Two guys came in and went to two other urinals . I just learned that their names are Lane Sanders and Bruce Waserly - the one sitting on the grass over there is Bruce Waserly . " Dylan pointed to him . " The one who attacked me is Lane Sanders . I didn 't know them , and I 've never seen them before this afternoon . " Lane started talking trash about me . He said I looked like a faggot . I just ignored him . He said I was looking at his dick , and kids like me are faggots and always looking at other guy 's dicks because they want to suck them . I said I wasn 't looking at his dick because I 'm straight and I don 't suck dicks . " They kept up the trash talk and I started to get scared . I decided to get out of there , so I didn 't even wash my hands . When I tried to leave they grabbed me . Lane tried to force me to suck his dick . When I wouldn 't do it , he hit me with his fist and I blacked out . You can see a bruise on my cheek and jaw and it hurts like hell . " Dylan pointed to the left side of his face which had a large bruise . " They poured cold water on my head and I came to . Then Lane pulled down his pants and boxers and he was hard . He squeezed my jaw to force my mouth open . With his other hand he grabbed my hair and forced his dick into my mouth . He pumped a couple times and I scraped my teeth on his dick on purpose . He said if I scraped it again he 'd kill me . " He pushed and pulled his dick in my mouth a few times . The taste and his smell - he smelled like he never takes a shower - was making me sick . The next time he started to pull out I chomped down with my front teeth behind the ridge at the back of his dick head . I bit down as hard as I could . " He was screaming and tried to make me let go by pounding on my head . He yelled at the other guy , Bruce , to pull me away , but I kept biting down on his dick as hard as I could . To stop him from pounding on my head I grabbed his balls and squeezed them as tight as I could . He grabbed my arms to try to pull my hands off , but I held on . " By then I 'd bitten down so hard I 'd broken through the skin into his dick and there was a lot of blood in my mouth . Even though I tried not to , I swallowed some of his blood then gagged on it and coughed and opened my mouth and threw up on him . That let him pull his dick out of my mouth . He fell on the floor screaming and crying . I got up and ran out of the bathroom . As soon as I got outside I threw up again . Twice more . " When I looked up I saw my brother Kevin and his friend Jackson Phelps and Jackson 's brother Steve were there . They helped me move to a bench and I sat down . Then Steve 's friend Jeff Brooks ran up with you guys following him . That 's when I felt safe . You 're Officer Mills and you 're the one who interviewed me . The other policeman whose name I don 't know went into the bathroom with the guys from the ambulance to deal with Lane Sanders . The EMTs moved Lane Sanders into the ambulance and left for the hospital . Bruce Waserly was handcuffed and put in the back of the police car . " Officer Mills , our mother is on the way and will be here in a few minutes , " Kevin said . " Will you tell her what happened , or are you going to leave it to us to do that ? " " I 'd prefer to leave it to you to tell her the details , if that 's okay . I 'll tell her Dylan was attacked by two boys and they have been arrested . I 'll tell her that the blood is from one of the attackers , that Dylan defended himself , that he was checked by an EMT but should see his own doctor where he was punched in his jaw , and that he is ready to go home . " " Yes , Mrs . Winslow . There are two . One has been arrested ; the other is in the hospital and will be arrested when he is released . Your son did a good job of defending himself . " " Mom , " Kevin added , " Dylan will give you the complete story when we get him home . What he wants right now is to go home . He also wants us to take Jackson , Steve , and Steve 's friend Jeff to Jackson 's house on our way home . Those three were very important in helping Dylan recover once he got away from the bullies who attacked him . " " No , ma ' am . You 'll hear from someone in the District Attorney 's office . Unless there 's something else , I need to get back to the station . " " Alright , Officer Mills . Thank you . " The policeman turned and walked away . Lorelei turned to Kevin . " Alright , collect everyone and let 's get going . " Dylan didn 't need any assistance getting to the car . The trip home was quiet , before and after dropping the three others at Jackson 's house . Dylan didn 't seem eager to talk , other than saying thanks and goodbye to Jackson , Steve , and Jeff . He said he 'd see Steve and Jeff at school the next day . As soon as they got home Dylan announced that he was going to take a shower and change out of his bloody clothes . After a long shower he brushed his teeth . Three times . Rinsing his mouth and gargling after each brushing . When he finished dressing he took the bloody clothes he 'd been wearing and dumped them in the trash bin at the side of the garage , then came back inside . He walked into the kitchen and saw Mel sitting at the table . " She went to Costco . Grocery shopping . She should be home in about an hour . She said we 'd wait until Dad gets home so you tell them both what happened . " " She took him with her . I think he 'll be getting one of Mom 's third - degree interrogations on the trip to the store and back . About what happened to you . " " I need a snack . " Dylan opened the refrigerator and pulled out the salsa and poured about half the jar in a bowl , then got a bag of tortilla chips . He sat across from his sister . " Thanks . I will . " She took a small handful of chips . " So , exactly what happened to you ? No one 's told me anything except that a bully attacked you . " " Just where Lane slugged me . I 've got a bruise . " He turned his head to the right so she could see it clearly . " It 's sore if I push on my jaw on that side . My clothes got Lane 's blood all over them . Mom 's gonna have a cow about the clothes because I dumped them in the trash . I don 't want them washed because it means his blood would be in our washer . I don 't ever want to wear them , ever again . Period . " " Absolutely . It 's my last day at Edison and it will be a lot of fun getting with everybody and signing yearbooks . Then tomorrow afternoon we have our commencement in the gym , and our graduation party after . You 're coming to the commencement , right ? " " Absolutely . Riverside has short classes tomorrow and we get out at noon . Kev and I are going to grab something to eat and be at Edison in time to get good seats for your two o ' clock commencement . " " Yes . And that 's much better than going into anything else , like the details of what happened or that the police were involved . What about Steve and Jeff , do you think they 'll keep quiet about it ? " " Yeah . We talked about it while we were in the park waiting for Mom to finish up with the policeman . I 'm going to call them later and remind them to please keep what happened to me to themselves . I don 't want it spreading around school . " " Okay , there are three sections . It 's by year . The eighth grade section comes first and will be easiest because it 's alphabetical by last name with individual pictures . " Let 's see , the S 's start here … no one named Sanders . Now the W 's … funny , there 's a lot more W 's than S 's … nope , no one named Waserly . Now for the seventh grade . Man , there 's pages and pages of homeroom pictures . Unfortunately , the names aren 't alphabetical . It looks like the kids are lined up by height in three or four rows , then the names below the pictures go across by row the same way . I 'll go blind searching through all these names . " " Sanders and Waserly . Sanders and Waserly . Sanders and Waserly , " Mel muttered softly . She ran her finger across each row of names below a picture , then to the next picture , and so on . Mel went through all of the names . " No more Sanders and no Waserly in the seventh grade . " She then went back and counted the seventh grade pictures . " There are 34 seventh grade homerooms , alphabetically by homeroom teacher . Each one has about 30 kids . That 's over a thousand seventh graders ! Edison sure wasn 't that big when I was there . " Mel counted the number of homerooms first . " Wow … there are only 12 sixth grade homerooms . That 's like 360 sixth graders . I wonder why sixth and seventh grades are so different . " Mel said . " It 's the two new middle schools , Wilcox and Blanchard , that opened this year . I remember reading that they started with sixth grade classes only . We 're growing because of all of those new houses and apartments they built on the other side of the freeway . People moved in and they have kids . So they need more middle schools . Someday they 'll probably need a new high school , too . " " That explains it then . Lemme look through the sixth grade homerooms for Sanders and Waserly . " Mel scanned the names under the twelve pictures . " No Sanders , no Waserly in the sixth grade , which means none at Edison . Just out of curiosity , I 'm going to count the number of eighth graders by counting the number of pages with pictures . " She counted the pages . " There are 41 pages and 21 pictures per page , that 's … 861 plus 5 more that are listed as not having pictures , so there were 866 eighth graders . So , 866 plus 1 , 000 plus 360 means Edison has about … 2 , 226 students . Man , that 's more students than Riverside High has . " " Two things . Helping me find out that those two bullies don 't have any brothers or sisters going to Edison . But mainly for going through all of the meaningless stuff about how many kids are going to Edison and how many more will be at Riverside next year . It completely took my mind off what happened . And now I 'm not scared about it anymore . Except I am so fucking pissed off about what happened . I want to see that asshole Lane Sanders go to jail . " " I am upset . It was real and awful and scary and I 'm so glad I got away . But really , I 'm not scared about it now . I was right after it happened and on the ride home . Man , the tension in the car after we dropped the guys off at Jackson 's house was … . It was coming from Mom . None of us said a word . It was like she had some sort of tension aura that filled the car and clamped down on me and Kev . " Lorelei and Kevin Winslow had an intense discussion . That 's what Kevin thought it was ; his mother thought it was an argument . It ended with her saying , " I 'm going to discuss this with your father when he gets home , and we 'll decide what 's best for Dylan . You just keep this topic to yourself . Understand ? " " I 'll keep it to myself , " Kevin replied , " unless Dylan asks me about it . Then I 'll answer his question or give him my opinion . If I didn 't it would be a lie and I don 't lie . " They didn 't say anything else to each other on the drive home . Kevin was fuming because his mother was so wrong . Lorelei was fuming because Keven wouldn 't accept her reasoning about Dylan . When they got home Kevin helped bring in and put away the groceries . Then he went upstairs to check on Dylan . His door was closed partway , so Kevin knocked on it , softly so if Dylan was asleep it wouldn 't wake him . " I spent most of the time you were gone with Mel , and I figured Mom would send you up to check on me . Mel asked me what happened , and I gave her the same story I told the policeman . Then we talked about a lot of things . " I took a shower , a really long shower , and when I dressed I took my bloody clothes and dumped them in the trash . I don 't want Mom to wash them ' cause I don 't want any of Lane 's blood to be in our washing machine . Mom might not like that I threw them away . " " Actually , no . I 'm feeling better . I 'm looking forward to tomorrow . It 's the last day of middle school for me and my friends . Then we have our commencement at two o ' clock , then after that we have our graduation party . " Mel 's coming to my commencement . I assume you will be coming too ? " Kevin stared at Dylan without saying anything . " What ? " Dylan asked , pointedly . Do you think - no , do you know - if Mom is going to refuse to let me go to school tomorrow ? And my commencement ? And my graduation party ? It 's true , isn 't it , Kev ? " " Bullshit ! " Dylan shouted . " I 'm going to school , and my commencement , and my graduation party . All tomorrow . Unless they handcuff me I 'm going . I 'll walk to school if I have to . If they don 't let me go I 'm never going to talk to them again . Ever . " " Shh ! Cool down . I 'm going to be on your side on this . And I 'm going to talk to Mel . She 'll be on your side , too . Just cool it . Don 't forget , Dad has fifty - percent say in things like this . I think he 'll be on your side . The main thing is , don 't say anything to Mom . Wait until they decide to talk to you . Stay in your room until dinner - unless they tell you they want to talk before dinner . But I think they 'll wait until after . One thing about being older than you , I have some personal experience with this kind of family situation . So just think good thoughts so you don 't give yourself away before you have to tell what happened . Don 't get combative if they say you can 't go to school . Let me and Mel act as your … attorneys ! " Kevin grinned . " Okay ? " " Okay , Kev . I 'll be good . I won 't growl at Mom . I won 't give her the evil eye . " Dylan laughed . " Thanks for having my back . Mel said she 's got my back , too . Say , do you two need a retainer to be my attorneys ? " " Yeah , I think so . Dad always talks about that . Let 's see … how about two shiny new dimes , one for each of us ? That way it isn 't a negligible amount , and should hold up in our family court . " " Nah . I don 't need to . Mel helped tamp me down a ways . I assume you 're going to sneak out again tonight to see Jackson . " " Kev , you didn 't realize that when you closed your window the unit started flashing the bypass code number for that window . It just happens that I got up and when I went downstairs I saw the flashing on the alarm box . I went to your room and you weren 't there and you 'd made your bed . So I went back downstairs and un - bypassed the window . You owe me , Kev . " Dylan smirked . " You 're not the only one who sneaks out of the house . That 's all I 'm gonna tell you . Don 't shut the window . Leave it open at least an inch ; that way the sensor won 't register that you closed the window . " " Okay . And , by the way , I 'm not going to Jackson 's tonight or tomorrow night or this weekend . I 'm sticking close to you . You 're very important to me . You 're my only brother , and I love you , Dylan . " Mel was in her bedroom . Kevin knocked on the doorjamb then entered and closed the door behind him . He outlined what he 'd discussed with their mother , and what he 'd discussed with Dylan . " I agree . We should hover with a sight - line to whatever room they pick to talk . When they come out we can interrupt them and say we 've got to talk with them , privately . " " Can you watch up here ? If you leave your door open you can see their bedroom door . I 'll watch downstairs to see if they use the living or dining room to talk . " Kevin looked at his watch . " Dad is normally home around five - thirty . That 's in about twenty - five minutes . I 'll offer to help Mom with dinner . I do that a lot anyway , so I don 't think she 'll find it unusual . That way if they go somewhere downstairs to talk I 'll be able to watch them and I 'll text you . If they 're in their bedroom you can text me when they come out . " " Okay . Oh … there 's one other thing . Dylan has hired us as his attorneys for the insurrection that might need to happen tonight . We 've each been paid an equal retainer . Here 's yours . " He handed her one of the quarters . They looked at each other and chuckled . Kevin decided to sit in the family room because from there he could see the kitchen and the living room . If their parents met in the dining room he could go into the kitchen and see the dining room and the family room from there . In neither case would he be accused of spying on them . He helped his mom get things ready for dinner . She had bought a roasted chicken , so she cut it up and made some gravy . She asked Kevin to boil the potatoes . He did that , then mashed them and put them in the microwave on the keep - warm setting . He was still in the kitchen when his dad got home at twenty after five . Apparently they were having their discussion . Kevin decided to get some veggies ready for dinner . He picked the ones the three Winslow kids liked the best : carrots and zucchini . He put the carrots on the stove on low , and left the zucchini whole and ready to put in a pan he had ready for them . Kevin saw that Dylan was already downstairs , setting the table for dinner . Kevin realized that eliminated the plan for him and Mel to talk to their parents before their meeting with Dylan . He sent a text to Mel : forget plan dylan here helping mom After eating Lorelei said , " Let 's clean up the kitchen before we get into other things . " That took the three kids about 20 minutes . When they were finished they stood looking at their dad . " I 'm going to tell you exactly what I told the police . Some of the language you might not appreciate , but I 'm not going to change it from how I 've said it already . Okay ? " He didn 't mention that Mel and Kevin had already heard almost exactly the same story . " I think that 's best , " James said . " If you try to sanitize it for me and your mother some detail might be missed . And there are probably no words that you could say that both of us haven 't already heard . We were your age once , you know . " " I feel okay . My jaw is still a little sore if I push hard on the left side , but like tonight during dinner chewing on my left side didn 't hurt at all . The only thing that 's really strange is it seems like it was days ago that this happened when it was just this afternoon . " I 'm a little worried about getting an STD from his blood that I swallowed . Even though I threw up three times , it 's possible if he had something I could contract it . I 've been thinking that maybe we should sue him for the cost of my being tested for STDs . " I was wondering if I need an attorney in case Lane sues me for almost biting off the head of his dick . I don 't know if that 's something you could do , Dad , be my attorney . Or should I have an attorney who specializes in sexual crimes against minors ? " There 's another thing I wondered about , which might be another reason for me to have an attorney . It 's something I said out loud at the park before the police and Mom got there . I said I wished I 'd bit the head of Lane 's dick off completely . Bruce Waserly was there and he heard me say it . " James was surprised as he realized how informed and aware Dylan was . Dylan wasn 't anything like a 13 - year - old ; he was more mature and closer to being an adult , and that made James proud . James realized that he needed to spend more time with Dylan . And Kevin and Mel , as well . Lorelei was stunned by what Dylan told them . Perhaps part of the shock was that she realized that he was no longer the little boy that she liked to remember . The way he described what happened and discussed needing an attorney was adult - like . Lorelei felt a strong sense of loss for that little boy . " So , I 'm really looking forward to going to school tomorrow , and our commencement and then the graduation party . I need to be with my friends and signing each other 's yearbooks . It 's my last day of middle school . In the fall I 'll be in the ninth grade , a freshman at Riverside High School . " Oh , one other thing . I won 't need to bring a lunch tomorrow , Mom . We 're getting free pizza , sandwiches , salads , and drinks for lunch . " Mom ! This is the time when everyone I know will be at school signing yearbooks and talking about things we 've done . Right after school we 're having our commencement . I 'm graduating from middle school . I 'll walk to the front and they 'll give me my diploma and my Honors plaque . After that I 'll go to our graduation party . I have to be there ! " " You can get together with your friends during the summer . The school will mail you your diploma and the Honors plaque . I think it 's best that you stay home where … " Dylan interrupted with a loud shout , " NO ! I AM going to school tomorrow . I HAVE to go to school tomorrow ! You don 't seem to understand how important this is ! It 's a really big deal for me . " Dylan interrupted again . " My health is just fine . There is no reason for me to stay home tomorrow . I AM going to school tomorrow and I AM going to my commencement and I AM going to my graduation party . " " You are going to do what I say , Dylan Winslow . I 'm your mother and what I say is you are not ready to go back to school tomorrow . You 're going to be questioned by everyone at school about what happened to you at the park today and you 'll be reliving the entire horrible episode . " Dylan made a great effort to calm his anger . He knew his mother well , and knew his being angry would only set her off . " That 's not going to happen . Only two people know about it , Steve Phelps and Jeff Brooks . I talked to them and they aren 't going to say anything about what happened to me at the park . They wouldn 't say anything - they 're my friends and friends don 't spread rumors . " Before her mother could say anything else , Mel jumped in to support Dylan . " Mom , I agree with Dylan that he should go to school tomorrow . I spent a lot of time talking with him this afternoon while you were out shopping . He is fine . He will be fine at school tomorrow . He 'll have Steve and Jeff there supporting him . This is important for Dylan . You have to let him go . " " I agree with Mel and Dylan , " Kevin added . " This is Dylan 's day to be with all of his friends and celebrate and have fun . Deny him that and you 'll force him to spend the day reliving what happened and just getting mad all over again . He 'd be being hurt twice by what happened . He doesn 't need any extra punishment . Please don 't take this away from him . " " You two don 't seem to understand how what happened to Dylan could have affected him , " Lorelei said . " Dylan , your father and I have discussed this , and I 'm adamant about it . You will have to stay home tomorrow . " " I don 't need to stay home tomorrow . I will not stay home tomorrow . I 'm going to go to school tomorrow . I 'm going to be with my friends tomorrow . I 'm going to my commencement tomorrow . I 'm going to my graduation party tomorrow . You 'll have to put handcuffs on me and lock me in my room to stop me from going to school tomorrow . " Dylan stood up so fast his chair tipped back and crashed on the floor . He picked it up and angrily shoved it back in its place . " I 'll be in my room ! " " Me , too , " Kevin said . " Mom , you and Dad need to rethink this . If you don 't , Dylan 's going to hate you and things are going to get very tense around here . " Mel added , " Dylan will go to school tomorrow , and you know he will . There 's no way you 'll be able to stop him . So stop fighting him and give him your permission . Then you can go to his commencement and applaud when he gets his Honors plaque for the outstanding grades and academic success he achieved , and after the commencement you can congratulate him and hug him and he 'll love you for your support . " " What Mel says is right , Mom , " Kevin said . " I know Dylan , and so does Mel , and we know that he has a wide stubborn streak , one that he inherited from you . If you don 't give him your permission then he 'll be furious and it 'll take a long time to restore your relationship with him . I don 't think you want that . Dad , please talk to Mom about this ! " Kevin and Mel went upstairs to talk to Dylan , and to let him know what they had said to their mom after Dylan had stormed out of the room . They also commented about how their dad hadn 't said anything during the discussion . They thought this might be a good sign . " Honey , I believe that what Kevin said about Dylan shunning you is accurate . You 're going to lose him by being stubborn . He will stop talking to you . It will take a long time and a lot of work to rebuild your relationship . We might have to resort to sending him , and you , to counseling . " " Oh , God ! I 'm so afraid for Dylan ! What if those boys or their parents or brothers come after him ? He could be hurt much worse . He could be killed ! " " No one is going to try to hurt Dylan . You fear threats that exist only in your imagination . They aren 't real . Those two bullies have been arrested . Dylan is going to be surrounded by his friends at school , and the teachers and staff will be there too . There 's no logical reason to prevent him from going to school tomorrow . You 're overreacting . " " Lorelei , I think you 've gone too far trying to protect Dylan . He 's not sick , he 's certainly doesn 't appear to be traumatized , he 's not depressed , he 's alert , he 's fine . I think you need to tell him that you 've thought about it and reconsidered and you agree that he can go to school tomorrow . If he goes , that means we 'll all be at his commencement and we 'll see him get his diploma and Honors plaque . After the commencement he 'll be able to go to the graduation party the school is putting on . You need to let him do this so you don 't turn him away from you . " Think about it . You have to choose one of two actions . Please choose the one that is going to let you hold on to your relationship with Dylan . " " Okay . I 'll go upstairs and ask them to come down to hear what you 've decided . Do you want to talk to us here in the family room ? " Lorelei took a deep breath and let it out slowly . " Yes , I have . I realize now that I 've been trying to protect my little boy - that 's you , Dylan - but you 're not a little boy any longer . You 're a teenager and you 've shown that you 're able to protect yourself . There 's no reason that you shouldn 't go to school tomorrow . " Dylan , I 'm so proud of you , and your father is too . Mel and Kevin , we 're very proud of you , too . We have the three very best kids possible . Sometimes I get a little over - protective . Don 't I , Kevin ? " He nodded , grinned , and shrugged his shoulders . " Of course , " Lorelei said . All four of us will be there . Then you can go to your graduation party . And I promise that none of us will try to go to the party with you . " Dylan smiled . " Thank you ! Thank you ! Now I 've gotta decide what to wear tomorrow . Something nice for when the commencement is over and I go to the graduation party . " " Nope . I go to school in the morning and we 're there all day until the graduation party is over . So I 've gotta wear something that will be good all day . " " It will be the best day of your life so far , Dylan . There 'll be lots more best days in your future , too . " The End If you enjoyed reading this story , please let me know ! Authors thrive by the feedback they receive from readers . It 's easy : just click on the email link at the bottom of this page to send me a message . Say " Hi " and tell me what you think about ' Gone Missing ' - Thanks . This story and the included images are Copyright © 2017 by Colin Kelly ( colinian ) . The original image is Copyright © by Scott Griessel | Adobe Stock file # 24848506 . They cannot be reproduced without express written consent . Codey 's World web site has written permission to publish this story . No other rights are granted . Disclaimer : All publicly recognizable characters , settings , etc . are the property of their respective owners . The original characters and plot are the property of the author . The author is in no way associated with the owners , creators , or producers of any media franchise . No copyright infringement is intended . This story may contain occasional references to minors who are or may be gay . If it were a movie , it would be rated PG ( in a more enlightened time it would be rated G ) . If reading this type of material is illegal where you live , or if you are too young to read this type of material based on the laws where you live , or if your parents don 't want you to read this type of material , or if you find this type of material morally or otherwise objectionable , or if you don 't want to be here , close your browser now . The author neither condones nor advocates the violation of any laws . If you want to be here , but aren 't supposed to be here , be careful and don 't get caught ! |
Stories are shared for the purpose of eduction only and not to be misconstrued as any form of representation of any party by Choices4Life . Women may be contacted through information provided individually . Pro choice supporters like Planned Parenthood see no other option for a child conceived in rape but abortion . However mothers of rape conceived tell a different story . Birth mothers who saved their babies from society 's death sentence are true heroes . Many people feel that a woman who is raped cannot possibly want to give birth to that child . That is far from the truth as the following mothers will tell you . When a woman is pregnant she will give birth - to a live baby or a dead one . No mother deserves to have the trauma of giving birth to a dead baby even in the case of rape . Why should one who has been previously traumatized with rape ? These women know the joy that comes with giving life to their babies ! A nanny for a couple in St . Louis , Mo . Ann was dropped off at a movie theater for a night off . It was late after the movie and when she called for her employers to pick her up they were drunk . She was hurriedly walking home when she came to a corner with a used car lot . There stood eight young men . Taking opportunity against a defenseless 22 year old they beat her , raped her and left her for dead . She lay motionless fearing they would return to finish the job . After quite some time she managed to get up and get home . She immediately packed her things and left in the morning for her parents home never telling anyone what happened . Three months later she learned she was pregnant . The doctor that confirmed that fact also said " I can take care of it . " This was in 1956 . He was not going to do it with a " coat hanger " but instead would do this without the knowledge or consent of the government . Ann quickly and sternly answered , " You will not take care of " it " . " It " is my baby ! " Her parents shared the same opinion of the doctor and insisted Ann get rid of the problem but Ann knew this baby was no accident . Through the help of a Catholic priest and a Methodist minister she got help . She went to live at a home for unwed mothers through Catholic Charities where she safely gave birth to a daughter on Valentine 's Day after 36 hours of labor . She wasn 't supposed to see her daughter but an older woman snuck the baby in to see Ann for two weeks until Ann returned home . The baby was adopted at three months and a picture was sent to Ann with a note assuring her that the baby was loved and would be well cared for . Ann prayed for 48 years and celebrated every Valentine 's Day with the firm belief that she would see her daughter again . And her prayers were answered on December 7 , 2007 . Ann and Juda met again as if there had never been any separation . The love of this mother , as some would even notice , seemed greater than some mothers who spent a lifetime with their child . Juda would visit Ann as often as possiblAnna Richey When I was little I was molested for several years by my step - father . He was an accomplished liar and fooled everyone , even my mom . No one knew . I was afraid to tell anyone ; when you grow up hearing that bad things will happen if anyone finds out , you believe it . I got pregnant the first time when I was 12 . I was scared , and I told him . He hurt me and then loaded me up on drugs , telling my mom that I had been injured while out playing with some other kids . He killed my baby . Of all the things that happened to me , this is what haunts me the most . I will never know who my child might have become . My only hope is in the promise I will get to see him or her in Heaven when I get there , and Jesus will take care of my baby until then . When I was 13 , I became pregnant again . This time I did not say anything to him . My mom noticed that my body was changing , even though I was only a few months along at the time , and she asked me about it . I gathered my courage , and told her everything . She immediately packed up my brother , sister , and me and took us to our aunt 's house . From there she called the police . They arrested him and took us to the hospital for some tests , and then we had to go in for questioning ourselves . In the end , he was sentenced to ten years in prison for molesting not only me , but my sister as well . I was told by therapists , friends , teachers , family , and even strangers , that it would probably be best if I had an abortion , but I couldn 't . Earlier that year , I had learned in my science class that a child 's DNA comes from both parents , and that meant that this child was also half mine . I also figured that since I was the one who would carry her in my body for the next several months , that made her mine , not his . I knew from my first pregnancy that he didn 't want me to have the baby . I knew that if I had an abortion , I would be doing just what he wanted and he would win again . He would not only have killed all of my innocence , he would have killed my daughter as well . It might have been easier to choose an abortion . There are many things that I would not have had to go through if I had . It was harder than I have words to describe . But there are some things in life that are worth fighting for , and she was one of them . I 'm not a very big person ; 5 ′ even and 95 lbChristina First of all , I had been taught that good girls don 't " go all the way " and good girls wait for marriage . Raised in a good Catholic home , by two very devoutly Christian parents and attended Catholic school for 6 yrs . I knew right from wrong . Everything I was taught … the way I was raised was in direct conflict with the social climate and message of " free love " and " if it feels good do it " attitudes of the late 60 's . While all my friends were visiting planned parenthood for condoms and birth control I was avoiding premarital sex until marriage . I was determined … . that is until Graduation … and I started to dabble with alcohol and smoked a little " weed , " experimentally . I had thought about having sex with a boy that I was casually seeing right before graduation … but by God 's grace , he had a premature ejaculation and saved me from giving myself away to no one special . Although I came close , I was still a virgin . Two weeks later , a friend and I were being kind to a friend of her boyfriend , who was in town for a court case . He had been arrested for vagrancy and a minor drug charge , so he was back in town for his trial . It was his birthday , so my friend and I brought a cake over and we sang happy birthday to him . He was a lot older … I was young and naive . He supplied the pot and the alcohol and we supplied the birthday cake . After I drank a little , he brought out a radio and turned it on , but the batteries were dead . He suggested to my friend and her boyfriend to go get some batteries so we 'd have some music . At some point , he must have slipped something into my drink , because the next thing I remember was waking up on the bathroom floor , naked . He assured me , it was my idea … I do remember telling him I 'm not on birth control and I 'd never had sex before . He said that it was ok … not to worry . My friend showed back up and came in and helped me dress … I was dazed and in a stupor for several hours … processing what had happened … wondering if I had indeed suggested or encouraged sexual intercourse . I just didn 't remember the details … it was all such a blur . He was acting like I was his girlfriend , when we all went to the park … holding my hand and putting his arm around me . It was like a bad dream . Later , my friend and I went to her home … . I told her I was afraid that he got me pregnant . She assured me , that since it was my first time , it was not likely . For weeks , that is all I thought about … . then I went to visit my grandma in Illinois . That was my graduation present . To go see my grandma and my cousin , who was my best friend . The thought that stayed with me the entire time , was that I got pregnant and he raped me ! I knew I was pregnant and I hadn 't even missed a period . By the time I did miss a period , I told my grandma what had happened . She offered for me to stay there and offered to help me find a home for the baby . I hadn 't even seen a doctor or confirmed I was pregnant , but we both knew . She promised not to say anything to my mom or dad . . that I would tell them when I got home … so I really didn 't want to go home . When I finally decided to go home , it was after I had a supernatural experience , which made me determined to come home . I got home on August 29 . A few weeks later my dad went into the hospital for heart surgery . On Sept . 11 , 1970 he died , never waking up after open heart surgery . I thought it was all my fault … that God was protecting him from knowing I was unwed and pregnant ! Now I realize how silly and immature that thought was … . but then , it was like a knife through my heart . I hadn 't told him or my mom , anything about what had happened . I kept my secret . I started Jr . College , hanging onto my secret . I told them I 'd think about it , but in my heart and mind I already knew that wasn 't an option . Terminating the pregnancy … . sounded so simple , but it meant killing the little life growing inside ofr me . I knew that much . Although abortion was an unfamiliar word to me , I learned quite quickly and decided just as quick that wasn 't for me . Our family had just buried my dad and I still held onto my secret . Until the night after the burial and I told my brothers and sister in laws . My grandma already knew . My brother who lived in town said he would be with me , when I told my mom , but to wait for a while . She had just lost her husband , which was trauma enough . It was the beginning of October , my brother and I sat down with my mom and told her that I had been raped and was pregnant . She fainted … then cried … . then hugged me . Since I hadn 't had any prenatal care , she said I 'd need to see a doctor . Since my dad had just died , I didn 't have any health insurance . We were working poor … . so I went to the county to see if I could get help there . They denied me . Said I was my mothers responsibility , even though I was 18 , I lived at home . A friend of my mothers worked at St . Elizabeth of Hungry clinic . Which was funded by the Catholic church and assisted those who didn 't have insurance or could qualify for county assistance . My mom talked to her and she got me an appointment right away for screening . For $ 250 I had prenatal care with a private OB / GYN MD in the community and delivery at the Catholic hospital . They counseled me and I was certain , I would give my baby up for adoption . The kindness and care I received was beyond anything I could ever imagine . No pressure , no condemnation . The day I delivered my little girl , they did come with the papers to sign to place her for adoption . My only request was to see her before I signed . My mother had already seen her but hadn 't said anything . One part of this story that i should mention , is my mother , a diabetic , had lost a little girl , my sister , when I was 6 years old . She died during childbirth and she never was given the chance to even see her . So , my mother was determined to see this little girl . After they placed my daughter into my arms , and our eyes met , I knew I could never say goodbye to her . She was tiny and perfect . She was innocent . She was mine . I told my mother I was thinking about keeping my baby and asked her if that was okay . She said whatever I wanted to do was okay with her . So , we brought her home . That little baby , didn 't do a thing . Her father , was the guilty party . He is the one that took a young , naive girl and took advantage of her , when she couldn 't say yes or no . This was before they had a name for it … . . " date rape . " Had I listened to PP , I would have ended the life of a spectacular human being … . she played softball from kindergarten to college . She was the athlete of the year , her senior year of high school . She grew up to get married , was a youth leader for a " Life Teen " program at her church . She taught religion at the same Catholic school we both attended . She has given us 2 beautiful grandchildren … . she is a police officer now . I cannot imagine the void there would have been without her . Ericka will be 40 in March 2011 . And I don 't regret for one moment the decision to say " yes " to life … . her life . It was really tough being a single mother in the early 70 's . But my mom 's friends from church never let us go without . Several times they would show up with boxes of baby clothes and food for our family . At Christmas , they would bring us Christmas presents and food . My mom was the best . She helped me raise my daughter … . while I went to nursing school and worked . Then , one day , I met a very nice young doctor while working in the ER . He was of the same faith , had strong family values and liked me for me and accepted my daughter . We met , when Ericka was 10 and married when she was 14 . We waited to marry when he was finished with his training . When Ericka was about 4 she asked me where her dad was … I told her that God was finding her a special dad . She said , I hope he doesn 't ' wait too long ! Well … he was worth the wait . He loves her as much as if she was his own flesh and blood . I know , we have another daughter and he treats them both the same ! So that 's the story … . if you can use it , great ! If it will touch one heart and change it … . then God be glorified ! It was all worth it ! It all started when I was still in the womb . My mother already had my older sister from another man . But my mother was married for the first time to my father . She was in love with him . They tried everything to get pregnant , even went to a fertility doctor . By the time she got pregnant with me the doctors told her she was pregnant with twin boys . Well being pregnant did not keep her off a motorcycle . She drove one till she got too big & then she was on the back of my father 's ! When she was 6 months pregnant with me she fell off the back of my father 's bike . That was the first time she knew that God had me in his hands ! To her surprise she gave birth to only me and not twin boys . I was just one single 8 pound 10 ounce 21 1 / 2 inches long very healthy baby girl born in California . I never cried . I talked late walked late & was late in all the development steps that a child goes through . My mother married my father , loving him with all her heart but not knowing of what type of man he truly was . When I was just weeks old I started crying for unknown reasons . My mother & father tried everything they could to calm me . My father was so upset that he could no longer handle it & threw me down a flight of stairs . God had me in his hands that day & let me land softly . A neighbor of ours heard my crying & came to my mother 's rescue . She told my mother to undress me from head to toe & that is when they found a very small string wrapped around my toe cutting off the circulation & causing me to be in pain . As time went on my mother saw my father in a different light because of what had been done . He became a different person than the man she had married . She could no longer take the rage from him and divorced him . We even lived in a car at one point just to hide from him . My mother even worked two jobs to care for my sister & I . We ended up being put into the witness protection program but he would not let it stop there . My mother remarried when I was just six years old to her second husband . My father even after she had remarried was a very angry man . He even tried to kill us at one point of my childhood . My mother worked all the time days , nights and even worked weekends . She even worked holidays when needed . I was young so when he first started touching me I was not sure how a father should touch their child . I did not have much of a memory of my own father . It started with tucking me into bed at night he would kiss me on the forehead and rub my leg . Every week or so he would go further up my thigh . I was molested for over seven years before anyone even noticed . I never said anything because he would hurt my family , who meant the world to me . I was young & very easy to bribe so anything I wanted he made sure I had . Little did I realize it was all for a price . I had bruises all over my legs & arms , marks on my neck & black eyes . I was in 7th grade when I was forced to tell of what was happening to me . They called my mother & step father , as well as my sister who was now a mother as well . They took me out of my mother 's home for 72 hours to check my home & test my step father with a lie detector . You know they say that when someone lies for so long they tend to believe their own lies . Well that 's what happened . He passed all the tests & I was the one they called the liar . So I was sent back home & nothing happened to him . After another year of abuse my mother finally started seeing the bruises more & more so she started to wonder herself if I was really telling the truth & if the man that she loved so much could really hurt her child . One day when I got home from school my mom was home waiting for her husband to get off work & come home . When he did she confronted him . He became angry & when he started to hit & beat on her I hid in my bedroom closet with the home phone . I dialed 911 for help . Little did I realize that my asking for help for my mother would cause them to call child protective services ( CPS ) on me , the miner child in the home . So they took me from my home yet again ! All I was trying to do was get help for my mother not thinking of myself in any way . The police called CPS . Yet again I was taken from my home but this time it was not for a short time . I started off in foster homes but ran from everyone not wanting to be anywhere but home . So they kept moving me from home to home until I was too much for them to handle . They put me in a group home where I could be watched 24 - 7 . That just made my depression even worse . I started to become suicidal & out of hand so they ended up moving me to another part of the state . I was able to see my mother less & less . Even after all I had been through she was still with my step father ! I guess she thought he could change but she ended up finding out too late . I was in the system for 3 1 / 2 years of pain for me & of fighting for my mother . She had to prove to the state of California that she was a good enough mother just to get me back . She did Feb . 14th , two months before my 18th birthday . Now that I was back with my mother I was happier than I could have ever been ! We got a phone call a couple of months after I was home that my grandmother ( my mom 's mom ) had breast cancer & needed to be cared for . So my mother decided we were moving . It took some time but we packed everything up and we moved cross - country . It was over 3 , 000 miles away to the upper peninsula of Michigan in a very small town . My mother was born & raised on an Indian reservation . When we got there the doctors had told us that my grandmother only had 6 months to live . After feeding her the right kinds of food she started to get better . She was better for a long time but when it did come back it got worse ! As she was very sick & dying I went to spend a weekend with a friend of mine . She picked me up & took me to her house . I was told her husband would be gone all weekend & her children were at a friend 's house . I soon learned that was a lie . When we got there her husband & children where there . I said nothing , not thinking anything bad could come of it . After we had dinner & she put her kids to bed we sat to watch a movie while her husband was up in their room . We were down in the living room . We were about half way through the movie when her husband decided to come down & get on the computer . He was not on there for long until he chose to come & sit on the couch right in the middle of his wife & I . He first kissed her cheek & whispered in her ear & all I heard her say was okay . She then got up and came to kneel in front of me with both her knees on my feet so I could not move . Her husband leaned over towards me & started to grope me & before I knew it they had me pinned down & I was couple raped . My cell phone was dead so I had no way to call home so I cried myself to sleep & they woke me up at 6 am & told me to get my stuff . They took me to a gas station near them & dropped me off to sit there with a dead cell phone , a closed gas station & no way to get home . I sat there for 6 hours with my hand around my neck strangling myself thinking about what I was going to do , who I was going to call & what I was to say . Finally I got the nerve to go inside the gas station & ask to use the phone . I called my mom to come & get me . I sat there for another hour & a half waiting for her to get there . When she did she saw me with marks around my neck & red eyes but she did not ask a thing . On the way home I told her what happened . As soon as we got back into town the first stop she made was the police station so they could take my statement . After everything was said & done I lost my case & was yet again defined as a liar . My grandmother had passed away & it was time to move back to my home sweet home in California . As much I was looking forward to living back there I was still walking around watching every turn I made & watching my back as I knew that my ex step father was still living in town . I was scared . We lived there for about seven months when my mother 's childhood sweetheart came & asked her to marry him . My sister said I could stay there if I wanted to . She would help me to get my own place & I would not have to move with my mother . Well as good as that offer sounded I had to pass it up due to the issues I still had living there . So as I chose to move to Michigan to live in a different area than previously I ended up gaining 2 wonderful grandparents . They loved me just as much as I loved them . I had lost all my biological grandparents . It was so great to gain two more . Everything was going great . I ended up moving into my own apartment & was loving it . I only lived there for two months when a resident who didn 't like me called the cops on me for disturbing the peace at 4 in the afternoon . He decided to also put in a complaint for breaking & entering . The apartment were metal & I am 5 foot tall & not very strong . There was no way I could have done such a thing . I was in jail 24 hours waiting for a judge . These 24 hours were the worst time of my life , having anxiety made things even worse . With a whole night of no sleep & all worry I went in front of the judge . The felony for breaking & entering was dropped due to no proof from the apartment complex who claimed to have it all on film . I ended up with a misdemeanor for disturbing the peace & slapped with a " do not enter . " I lost my apartment & moved back home . All was going great till I lost my grandfather in 2010 . The loss of yet another grandparent was hard on me . The only grandmother that I did have had passed away . It was hard on all of us . It was the end of that year when my grandmother had gotten sick . I had a very close friend that I spent a lot of my time with to take my mind off the fact that I was loosing yet another & my last grandparent . My friend was married & had beautiful twin girls . She had been put in jail for falsifying a police report . I promised her I would stay at her home & take care of her children as well as her dogs because I wanted to be kind . Her husband worked all the time & was not much of a father when it came to the kids . Well the girls loved me so it was very easy to take care of them . They were used to being kept in the living room boxed in , left alone to watch tv . I was so good with children & played with them everyday making sure they got everything they needed . One night after I had put the girls to bed & cleaned up I sat down to watch TV . My friend 's husband had just come home from work . He decided to come & sit on the couch next to me & started talking to me like he knew me for so long . The truth is I knew nothing about him . I had seen him once in a while around the house & at bonfires they had out at their place . He started to try & touch me . I looked at him & said " NO " as I pushed his hand away . He would not take no for an answer so he held me down on the couch & had his way with me . I tried to push him off of me but he just held my arms down . When he was done I got up & hurried to the shower to try to get the nasty feeling off of me from being raped . I sat in the bathtub with the shower running , knees to my chest & just cried . I cried for allowing myself to be raped , I cried for the fact that I could not tell my family & for the fact that my grandmother was on her death - bed . I cried because I could not leave . The twins would have no one . I could not tell the police because he owned 95 % of the county . So I went on with my everyday life like nothing happened , like nothing was wrong . When I went to bed at night I would cry myself to sleep & keep telling myself how bad I was . As time went on my grandmother got worse & I started to feel sick everyday . Smells would make me sick & foods I loved made me feel nauseous . So after a couple of weeks of feeling this way I went to the store & picked up a 3 pack of pregnancy tests . I took all of them not believing what I was seeing . They all said that same thing , " Pregnant " . I was so scared . I had my grandmother who was about to die any day . I had not been in a relationship in quiet some time & the only way I could be pregnant was by my friend 's husband who raped me . I said nothing to anyone . I went to my grandmother 's side that day held her hand & told her I knew I was pregnant . I told her I would have the child & care for it the best I could . That night my grandmother passed on . I knew in my heart that she knew all along . I kept it to myself that I was pregnant & said nothing to anyone due to my grandmother 's passing . I did not want to take the center of attention . I chose to tell my parents a week after my grandmother passed . My mother took me to the doctor not believing anything I had said . I found out I was 10 weeks along . I had some family tell me to abort & some tell me I should not keep it . They said I should put it up for adoption if I choose to carry it . I had found out just two weeks prior to being raped that I would be unable to conceive children due to my uterus . So with becoming pregnant I saw life in a whole new light . I had a life inside me , a live breathing life inside of me . My oldest niece came to visit and discussed names , not knowing what I was having yet . We chose Phoenix after the bird . I had a rough start in my pregnancy I was very sick for the first 4 months of my pregnancy . At about 22 weeks pregnant I became diabetic . I was going weekly to have the baby checked when I found out that she had no fluid & the umbilical cord was around her neck . The doctor doing all the testing sent me upstairs for an emergency c - section but the doctors / students upstairs decided they were going to try & induce me instead . After 24 hours of induced labor they finally realized that I had a non - contracting uterus . My baby girl even though she was 3 weeks early , was beautiful . I fell in love like I never thought I could ! She was 7 lbs even & 19 1 / 2 Inches long . I named her Phoenix Rose ( I was inspired by the legend of the bird . The story goes that it was able to live through anything . Legend says even when it burned it came back from its ashes , rose the strongest flower & hardest to kill ) Forever Blessed : My Pro - life TestimonyI have waited so long to share this story . I 've kept telling myself or trying to convince myself that it wouldn 't be wise to share it , the backlash from certain people and the knowledge one day my youngest would learn how to read . I 've come to realize that now is the ordained time to share my story about my youngest son Eli Samuel . In January 2009 my life was forever changed and I was faced with a decision that I never in my life thought I would have to make let alone having to contemplate . At the beginning of 2009 I began to experience symptoms that matched my pregnancies with my two other boys . I was honestly getting scared . Truth be told , I wasn 't dating anyone let alone having sex . I was focusing on my children and trying to get my life on track . In November ' 08 I had let an ex - boyfriend crash on my couch so he could get established in PA before bringing his girlfriend and kids up from Maryland . Around this same time I became terribly sick … . To the point where I had a hard time functioning . I couldn 't eat or drink without being in severe pain and had hard time breathing . He suggested I go to the local emergency room and he would stay and watch my boys for me while I did . Come to find out that I had a severe case of strep throat . I was given an antibiotic and a narcotic pain medication vicodin and was told to take 1 - 2 every 6 hours as needed for pain . With me having two young boys to take care of I only took the medication after they were in bed . I knew I hadn 't remembered to consenting and frankly wouldn 't have . God was finally become the priority of my life and He was using me in the church . I wasn 't going to willingly mess that up . I knew something was up … I took a home pregnancy test and I cannot begin to explain to you fully the emotions and feelings I experienced those 3 minutes . I imagine it went something along the lines of me questioning God and wondering how stupid I could have been to let my ex stay on my couch . I felt abandoned , worried , alone and petrified of the test would say … A bright + sign on it … I had been raped while under the influence of pain meds and now I 'm pregnant . Some kind of sick , cruel joke . I just can 't be . I had just fallen into the category of women I said that was okay to have an abortion . I was raped and carrying his child . I had made no choice in the matter , yet I was stuck . I wrestled back and forth with abortion or continuing the pregnancy . I had a second test done at a women 's center to confirm the home one . I went on auto pilot mode I guess … I called an OB office to make an appointment . They had me schedule an ultrasound because they were unsure of gestational age . Once I saw the screen and I saw he had already formed into a baby . My mind was made up … I realized all that I couldn 't abort this child inside of me . God 's hand was on me through the entire pregnancy . So many blessings occurred and could only have happened by HIS grace , mercy and love . My church family helped carry me when I couldn 't " walk " from severe exhaustion in all areas . I am so glad I didn 't abort my youngest son because of the sin of his father . He has brought so much into my life , the life of my church and others … Life wouldn 't be the same without my precious little man Eli ! Danielle Kleber I graduated from a community college and was feeling pretty good about moving on to a major university . Some friends and I had opted to save money by renting at a boarding house close to campus . Things were looking great . I wasn 't at school very long before I met the man of my dreams . We really enjoyed each others company and got along well , once he understood that I was still a ' good girl ' and had no intention of changing my sexual status until marriage . He respected my stance and was very respectful . One night while walking home from the campus library , a guy drove up and offered me a ride . I recognized him as the boyfriend of one of the girls at the boarding house . He told me he was on the way to our house to visit her and I may as well ride with him . No problem . I knew him . His girl and I were friends . We had laughed and talked together . I hopped in the car , grateful for the lift . As we rode and talked , I suddenly noticed we had passed our turn . ' Not to worry ' , says my friend . " I promised my girl I 'd pick up something from the store for her . " No problem . I relaxed until I realized we had passed many stores which he could have shopped . Something was not quite right . By the time I came to this realization , he was turning onto this dark road . I started to cry . " Stop acting like a baby . " he screamed . " This is nothing new . We 're just going to have a little fun . " " No " , I said . I 've never done this before . I 'm a virgin . " He didn 't believe me , stating that nobody who was a junior in college was still a virgin . Well , I was . I tried screaming but there was no one to hear . When I tried to fight him off , he only became more aggressive . Being an asthmatic , I couldn 't catch my breath . He thought my gasping was a ploy to get him off me . He began to slap me on my face to get me to stop . That 's the last I remember until he drove in front of the boarding house to put me out . I don 't know if I blacked out and just blocked out the memory of the actual rape . I only remember getting out of that car , blood running down my legs , fumbling for my keys . The next day , I went about my business as usual , mentioning nothing to anybody about my ordeal . My boyfriend and I continued our platonic relationship . My monthly cycle continued and all was behind me … or so I thought . A few months after the ' incident ' , I went home to spend some time with my family . We were in the family room and I was standing with my hands behind me . My little brother commented , " Hey , Marie , you 've got a shape like an 's ' . That 's when my mom took a good look at me and she knew right away I was pregnant . I had noticed a weight gain and had been dieting to lose it , but to no avail . Pregnancy had not crossed my mind because my menstrual cycle had continued . I was devastated . Pregnant for a man who 's first name was all I knew . He had been on leave from the Army during the encounter , but had gone back . I hadn 't told his girlfriend or anybody else about the rape . My mom asked me who the father was and that was the first time I had ever spoken of the rape . Mom and dad told me they would help me with the baby because abortion was not an option . If I wanted to marry the father , they would help me track him down . I didn 't want to marry him ! I hardly knew him ! My parents took me back to school to withdraw and collect my things . Imagine having to tell my boyfriend , whom I had continued to say no to , that I was five months pregnant . He was crushed . I never said anything to my rapist girlfriend . I was too ashamed . I lost my appetite . I had no interest in anything . I was in a deep depression . My mom and dad literally spoon fed me , reminding me that I was carrying a life inside me and the baby needed nourishment . Finally , I felt my baby move , and right away , that baby became mine . I began to look forward to the birth , buy baby clothes and decide on a name . I was sure it was going to be a boy and had picked out only boy names . When the baby came , it was the prettiest , fat , black , curly haired little baby girl I had ever seen ! I loved her so much . My mom named her Clarissa LeVerne , for all I had was boy names . I forgot all about how she was conceived . She was my baby . That little girl has been a joy . She was so smart and outgoing . She still is . She has been with me through thick and thin , always by my side . She often asked me who her father was and I hedged around the facts . I told her the only thing I knew and that was his first name . Finally , when she was eighteen years old , she asked me again about her father , and I told her the entire story . She cried , but her tears were not for herself . They were for me . She actually scolded me for not having told her earlier . " You 've been carrying this all by yourself all this time and we could have shared it . " she said . " I would have been there for you . " That 's the kind of young woman she is , always giving , always caring . She has done really well for herself . She had her first job in banking when she was a sophomore in high school , and she continues in banking today . She married and presented me with my first grandson . She was there for me when I surgery to remove a brain tumor that left me completely paralyzed on my left side with a prognosis that I would never walk again . She helped work with me and encouraged me until we proved the prognosis wrong . When she had breast cancer , one of the first things she thought about was whether or not she may have sisters who would need to know to check themselves . Again , not her own pain , but wondering about somebody else . I 'm very proud of my daughter . I can 't imagine life without her . She is a good example of God taking what you think is the worse thing in the world and proving He can make it the best . Clarissa is certainly one of His very best . My father left when I was 5 years old and I never saw him again . My step father married my mother when I was 7 . His family became my family , and it took me many years to understand that not all families were like this one . This was a time in history when you didn 't talk about these things , when you kept family secrets just that … a secret . The sexual abuse in our house started when I was 9 years old . By the age of 17 , I was pregnant , and the father of my baby was my step - uncle , a man 20 years my senior . I was 3 1 / 2 months pregnant before I even knew I was going to have a baby . And I was very afraid when I found out . I was afraid of what my friends would say , of how my family would take the news , and of the choices I now had to make . When I told my family , I got a single sentence from my step - father . He said " You have 2 weeks to get out of this house . " I had no income and nowhere to go . My grandmother told me if I didn 't have an abortion , she would no longer speak to me . She told me I was bringing shame on this family if I brought this baby into the world . I was alone and afraid and not sure about anything in my life . It seemed like I was losing everything that was important to me . My mother went to a local pastor and told him my predicament . He came to me and helped me research adoption and places for me to live . Within two weeks , I moved into a home for unwed mothers supported by the Salvation Army . They fed me and clothed me and counseled me . They got me and my baby medical care . The people there cared enough to talk with me and made me feel as if my life had purpose and I was not worthless . My maternal aunt and uncle stood by me . They put me in contact with adoption agencies and we talked long into the night in the coming weeks . In the long run , I determined I was going to keep my baby , and be the best mother I possibly could , even if it meant doing it alone . My baby girl was born healthy on a spring afternoon . She was beautiful and I fell in love with her as soon as she was in my arms . I was amazed by this special little being with a personality and preferences all her own . I had never held a baby before , and it was all a brand new experience to me . I didn 't know as I held her those first days what troubles and lean times would lay ahead . I didn 't think on the coming paternity testing and child support issues and family drama that would unfold . I didn 't worry on how we would eat or where we would live . I didn 't think about teething or chicken pox or dating . I was totally focused on getting to know the tiny little life that was delivered into my hands . My baby girl has been a blessing to me since the hour she was born . She has been my joy in life , and my reason to go on when times are hard . She is now 31 years old and she is a beautiful and successful person . She is a light to the world , bright and wonderful . She has two babies of her own now . And their lives bless me daily . What if I had listened to those ' In the Know ' , and aborted my baby ? I think of all the things I would have missed out on , and the special human being that would have died without seeing the light of the world . I think of the skinned knees and school programs and college graduation I would never have seen . I think of the movie nights and bike rides and girl talks I would have missed . I think of my younger daughter who would not have had that older sister to look up to and learn from . I think of my grandchildren that would have never been here to draw me a picture or fight over Tonka trucks or wrapped their chubby little arms around my neck . And I KNOW I made the right choice in choosing LIFE for my baby all those years ago . Was this journey tough ? Yes . Did I have fears ? Oh yes ! Was my young life a challenge financially and emotionally ? Absolutely . But the journey I took was a positive experience , always celebrating a life I helped to create . It shaped who I was to become , morally and spiritually , in making a choice of life for my baby . My world was shaped into a better place knowing I brought life into this world , and it was a life that made a difference . God blessed me for making the decision against abortion . He gave me courage when I was afraid . He gave me strength when I was weak . He gave me mercy for my mistakes . He gave me joy out of painful struggles . He eventually gave me a wonderful 30 year marriage to a husband who adopted and raised my daughter as his own . And I can track it back to a single decision … to do the right thing in His eyes and choose life for my child . I am no super - hero . I am just an ordinary person . And if I can face this situation and give life to my child , so can all the other women who are perfectly ordinary . With God , we ordinary folks can do extraordinary things ! Don 't miss what this life growing within you can bring to the world . Yes , it IS worth the trouble of giving birth . Whether you keep your baby and experience all of those things with your child , or you adopt your baby and give all of those things to other people , don 't let the light of a special life you have created be snuffed out ! Your baby has something to give to the world , and you have something to give to the world with your baby . Don 't live with the regret of abortion . Live with the knowledge of having added to the world , not having taken from it . Choose life ! You will not regret it . I was raped in February 2006 staying late and making up a class at my culinary school . I tried abortion . Key word , TRIED . I keep seeing childless families in my head as I lay there on that table , alone . I sat up and said no , I can 't do this , this is wrong . All the abortionist said was that that was just the gas talking . I still said no and I got up and called my ride . I moved back home because I couldn 't bring myself to go back to school . I went home and knew I couldn 't parent . If love were enough that would be one thing . I still had to finish getting my education . I was only 20 when it happened . I didn 't want to have to work 3 jobs to raise her and not be at her recitals , baseball games , all of it that my mom missed out on trying to make ends meet . Don 't get me wrong I love my momma and appreciate everything she has done for me . anyways . . I now have a beautiful baby girl who is not only the light of my world , but the light of her parents world ! My name is Jessi . I was 20 years old when I was raped , it happened at my own house . My roommate was very promiscuous and always had guys over . I came home from work walked in and there was this guy setting on the couch , I thought he was one of my roommate 's " friends " . I continued to the bathroom to change out of my work clothes and he asked to use the bathroom , told him I would be out in a minute . Then all of a sudden he comes rushing in with a knife . Tells me if I make a sound he was going to hurt me , had his way with me and left . I never went to the police , see I was molested when I was 10 and I told my father and nothing was done . I thought this was going to end the same way . Plus I just wanted it to go away , so I didn 't tell anyone . Then on February 1 , 2010 I found out I was pregnant . I have a boyfriend of 3 years and I didn 't even tell him till I found out I was pregnant . He didn 't believe me cause I didn 't go to the police and he wanted me to abort my son , he was willing to pay . I didn 't have it in me to kill something so innocent , it wasn 't his fault . So I gave birth to a healthy 8 . 1 lb , 22 . 5 baby boy on October 5 , 2010 at 2 : 06am . I had the adoption plan all ready worked out but when he got here I changed my mind . I got out of the hospital and had time to myself to think and I said to myself I want only the best for my son so I decided to continue with the adoption plan . There was no way I could do it by myself , my family said they would help but I knew that wouldn 't last long . Now my father , an aunt and an uncle won 't have anything to do with me , as wall as some friends . That 's just a short version my story , I hope it helps someone some how . Today 's post isn 't so fun . I 've been invited to receive an award at a pro - life gala in November . Part of the whole shebang involves writing about not aborting the baby that I conceived through rape . A few ( very few ) people know pieces of the story , but this is the first time I 've ever shared the whole thing . And thanks to all my wonderful prayer partners on Facebook , I got it done in record time and without any PTSD flashbacks or panic attack ! So , like I said , this post is not fun , but it is important . Also , it should probably be rated PG - 13 . Here it is : My first husband liked it rough . Not just rough like , " Harder , baby , harder , " kind of rough . No , he liked it really rough , like putting dents in the wall with the headboard , leaving bruises on my hips and thighs , shouting dirty words at me as I cried beneath his weight - that kind of rough . He was my first love , though , so I easily bought his claims that it was just his preference , that I was being too sensitive , that I was a prude . Until his fetish killed my unborn baby . [ 1 ] Then I realized it wasn 't just me . I tried many times to leave him or to kick him out , but nothing kept him away . We would separate for brief periods , he would calm down a little and apologize , and I would settle back into his seemingly loving arms . But after a while , it would all start again . When I was 21 and we had been married for just over two years , he decided it was time to have anal sex . I didn 't want to - not just for the obvious reasons , but because I 've had bowel problems my entire life . When I refused , he wouldn 't take " no " for an answer . He sodomized me until I collapsed , then finished in the usual way . I couldn 't sit right for days , but I didn 't tell anyone , because I felt like it was my fault for trying to deny my husband his marital right [ 2 ] and because I was too proud to face the humiliation of admitting that I had been hurt in such a way . Plus , how was I going to raise my two children without him ? A few weeks later , I started to feel sick and realized I had missed my period , so I picked up a pregnancy test on our next trip to Walmart . Sure enough , it was positive . I sobbed uncontrollably for hours . I wondered how on earth I could bring another child into this world , into such a hostile home . What was God thinking ? ! By this point , I was aware that my husband 's abuse was extending to my oldest ( he was 2 at the time ) in the form of overly - rowdy horse play and unearned spankings . I also knew that seeing him degrade me would teach my sons to disrespect women . I did NOT want to bring another child home to live this way ! I cried every day for a month , and every night I cried myself to sleep . The abuse was a little bit better during this time , because my brother and his girlfriend had moved in with us . That meant that my husband couldn 't get away with much without his real self being known . But one night , he forgot they were there . It was about a month after I had taken the pregnancy test , and two months after the rape . He wanted anal again , and what he wanted he always got . I didn 't fight it this time - I just laid there , weeping as quietly as possibly so as not to wake the kids . And while he pounded away at me , I made a decision . I decided he would never do this to me again . The next morning , after my husband had gone to work , I told my brother what had happened the night before and asked him to stick around that evening so I could tell my husband he had to leave . When he got home , I calmly explained that he needed help . I told him that I had arranged for him to stay at the Salvation Army , and that I might consider taking him back after he 'd successfully completed counseling . Then I helped him pack . Soon after , he headed to Chicago to be with his family . Some of my friends told me I should end the pregnancy . Family members said , even though they were pro - life , they wouldn 't blame me if I didn 't think I could handle raising a third child on my own . For a while , I considered putting the baby up for adoption . I mean , there I was : jobless , no driver 's license , no credentials for a decent job , no money to hire a babysitter , no self - confidence , and he wasn 't sending child support . How was I supposed to care for the two kids I already had , let alone throw a newborn into the mix ? The next few months were amazing ! For the first time , I got to experience pregnancy without an angry voice yelling at me for craving the " wrong " foods , for being tired , for wanting to relax and talk to my belly . I got to become the mommy my baby and toddler needed . I got to wake up in the morning and smile at myself in the mirror , knowing that today I would not be put down , today I did not have to be afraid . When my son was born , I loved him right away . His little head , his tiny fingers , his scrawny legs - he was perfect ! I won 't lie and tell you it was exactly like with the others . The bond was definitely different . With the first three [ 1 ] pregnancies , I rejoiced as soon as I found out I was expecting . I thought that maybe having a baby would make my husband grow up ; with this baby , it took longer for the joy to come . With the first two children , it was easy to spend quality time bonding with them ; with this baby I was a single parent to a three year old , a one year old , and a newborn . But the love was still there . Unfortunately , my husband came back when the baby was less than two months old . Life was even worse once he was back , and he stayed for another 3 + years before he was finally arrested for assaulting me in front of some friends . All of his offspring were hurt , and all have acquired some major baggage , so I can 't say what things would have been like had they kept on a positive path , but having one less child certainly wouldn 't have changed any of it . This is the first time I 've ever told anyone about how my son was conceived . Not even my mother knows all of it ( though I guess she will now ) . When Juda invited me to share my story , I realized it was my chance to help others understand that abortion is never the answer . Sure , it may have been easier to have gotten rid of this unwanted pregnancy , but then I would be laden with guilt . And worse , I would never have gotten to meet my beloved little boy ! I know how hard it is to deliver a child that you didn 't really want , one that came from an awful experience , but I also know that with God all things are possible and work together for the good of those who love Him . [ 3 ] Perhaps keeping a rape baby is too hard for some mothers . There are thousands of would - be parents out there who would do anything to have a child of their own and can 't . I believe that God can take your pain and turn it into joy and self - respect by letting you give the gift of life to an eager couple . The baby that was conceived through this rape is five now . He looks more like his biological father than the others do . There are days when he or his oldest brother do or say something that reminds me so much of my abuser that I want to scream . Sometimes I do : I 'm not perfect . But it is not my son 's fault that he was the product of a sexual assault . It is not his fault that his face occasionally sparks a bad memory . And the times that I am overwhelmed with love for this beautiful , funny , smart , wonderful child far outweigh the times that I remember the pain of how he came to be . I asked this young woman to share her story so that we can change the mindset of rape conception . She does not want to share her story openly for the same reasons many others keep silent . I am grateful that " M " is sharing her honest testimony . 1 . 6 . 11My childhood wasn 't " good " as I guess some people would put it . After the death of a close family member , my mother turned to prescription drugs and my father hid in his work , leaving me and my sister open for the emotional abuse from a woman who had lost complete control of herself . The abuse went on for years , turning me away from God and renouncing His existence . Both me and my sister attempted suicide to no avail , so it was no surprise that the day I turned 18 , I was always on the move . Then , I finally turned the big two - one . I was finally old enough to go into a bar . My emotional issues from my childhood were still in tact , leaving me vulnerable to risqué behavior , drugs , and alcohol , although , I wasn 't addicted until after the incident happened . It was summer and I was having so much fun . I started a new job , moved in with close friends , met new friend , things were great ! It was my new friend that introduced me to the sports bar . I was never into sports , but I loved the social atmosphere , and I loved the attention I got from the boys ! That is where I met him . He was an attractive , charming , sweet , older , musician , bad boy . The boy your parents tell you to stay away from , but that only makes them more attractive . I was taken at the time though , and , when asked that question by him , I reluctantly coughed up a " yeah . I 'm taken . " Of course , this was in the midst of a failing relationship filled with problems that ended up leading to the relationships end . That first night , I went home . The next night , I was back at the bar . He bought me a beer , that I drank half of , and me and my new friend from work drove over to the musician 's house . He mixed a drink for me , that I can 't honestly say I remember drinking . I didn 't drink enough to get drunk , but I know I must 've been since I remember feeling drunk . At some point I ended up in his room with a bunch of other people , doing cocaine , my first time . Slowly they started filtering out , and the next thing I remember he was on top of me pulling my pants down . I fought him and pulled them back up , telling him no , and that I was taken . I remember I was laughing . I thought this was a joke . I can 't really tell you what happened . I can 't tell you how it happened . I can 't tell you when . The next thing I remember is waking up the next morning , half naked , next to him , snoring . I was freezing and felt so guilty . I couldn 't believe what I had done . I barely knew this guy ! And now I cheated on my bf ! I couldn 't believe it . I felt dirty , violated , guilty , disgusting , and everything in between . That was the start of it . That was the start of being victimized . The start of a drinking problem and a drug addiction . He did this to me almost daily for almost 2 months . I couldn 't get away . He knew where I lived . He knew where I worked . He knew where to find me when I wasn 't home . Once , he forced himself on me at a park , while 2 men not far away on their porch watched ! With every time , I lost more of myself to drinking and drugs , and I stopped fighting . I gave up . I tried to convince myself that I was using him . The thoughts of suicide started up again , and I tried to kill myself . Then , one day , I had a dream that I was pregnant and I just knew it . I can 't explain it any other way . I just knew I was pregnant . Less than 2 weeks into my pregnancy , i could no longer drink or smoke or do any type of drug without getting sick . I still denied it though , brushing it off as I did too much and needed a break , which I took . Months later , a friend convinced me to take a test and there it was … positive . I didn 't cry . I didn 't panic . I didn 't get angry . I felt literally nothing . I felt empty . Pregnancy was a nightmare . Honestly , the pregnancy couldn 't have been easier physically . No complications . No problems . Funny cravings . Normal . But , the emotional turmoil of having this … thing … growing inside me . This child from that monster . I couldn 't take it . I thought about abortion . I thought about adoption . Honestly , I 'm still not sure why I didn 't go those routes . I ended up moving home for most of my pregnancy . My mother had long since recovered from her addiction , and I forgave both my parents . Since then they 've been so great and supportive ! They were so excited for the baby , and couldn 't understand why the ultrasound made me sick , why I wasn 't happy to hear the heartbeat , and I never told them what happened . They handed her to me . This messy little creature , so calm and gentle . So tiny . How could I hate her ? But , I did . I hated her . She looked exactly like him . All those memories came rushing back every time I looked into her little eyes . What kind of mother can hate their own child ? Over the first month , my mother helped me a lot raising my new baby . I never had thoughts of killing her , but I hated her and I hated myself for hating her . Finally , one day , she wouldn 't leave me , so we spent hours cuddling , and that is when it hit me . I don 't hate her . I love her . I hate how she came into this world . I hate her father . But , I love this little girl more than life itself , and I can 't blame or punish her for his sin . I can 't cut myself off from connecting with her because of one mans selfish desires . It 's been a few years now , and I won 't lie … It can be difficult ! There are days when I am ready to pull my hair out ! ( Although that could be the age ! ) With time , it does get easier though . I don 't see him in her at all . She doesn 't remind me of him . She reminds me of how blessed I am for what I do have . She makes me strive to be a better person . Because of her I ended up in college . I found life . I don 't know if this was God 's doing , but I think it was . Had I not gotten pregnant , I would be dead . I would 've been victimized until I finally died from my self destructive habits . I wouldn 't have ever broken free of him . It amazes me to this day I could drop a cocaine and alcohol addiction in not even a day , with absolutely NO effects . Not even morning sickness ! If this isn 't the work of God , I don 't know what is , but I choose to thank Him every single day for giving me life , and I thank my daughter for bringing me hope and teaching me what real love is . I am so glad that " M " shared her true feelings . Feelings come from ideas we have but can easily change when those ideas change . The fact that a woman can separate an innocent baby from the horrible act of violence is shown here . And if a woman is unable adoption is always a perfect option without guilt . I grew up without the love of my mother or father . I had no concept of what love was , only hate . My mom hated me for getting molested ( age 4 - 9 ) by the man she loved , & splitting up their marriage . I knew it wasn 't my fault , but I spent the rest of my childhood being punished for it . Many times I would watch my mom with a knife in my hand & ponder killing her . I tried to tell what was happening to me but no one believed me . I found out when I got older my mom new what he was doing to me . She didn 't care , she didn 't leave him for that . She just hated me for getting molested . She watched him beat me , punch me , slam my head into tables & walls . He also shot at us , none of that was reason enough to leave him . I don 't know for sure why she left . Somehow she felt the need to punish me for having to leave him . I was only nine when she left him . After mom left my step - dad , she told us she had lied to us . He wasn 't our real dad , & our names weren 't what we were told they were . My older brother began to molest me & my friends . Then he would sometimes set me up to be raped by his friends . I started drinking at age 5 , smoking at 16 , by 17 I had become a slut & even tried to rape a guy . At 17 I stood up to my mom & was sent to foster care . Went to 2 bad places , they were still better than home . Then my foster mom , at first I didn 't know how to respond to her for the first time in my life I was shone a mothers love . It felt strange to me , & took time to get use to it . At age 18 I started doing drugs & was drunk from morning till night . I had my oldest son at age 19 . I was so young , I thought I was ready . Then when I went into labor , it hit me , this baby would completely depend on me . I was so scared I would make a mistake & ruin his life . When I held him all I could feel was love . Love like I never knew before . I loved him more than I had ever loved or been loved . I feel that way about all of my kids . My husband raped me for 3 yrs , as well as verbal abuse . Then he got violent , when my son saw it I knew I had to leave . He was so upset & crying so hard , I never wanted him to feel that way again . Over the yrs many other guys have raped & abused me . My family had helped my abusive ex - husband get custody of my 2 boys . They spread lies & rumors about me . I had gotten engaged & was helping him raise his kids . I was on my way to fighting to get my boys back , when my health got so bad I lost my job . I found out he got another women pregnant , & slept with my friend . About 2 weeks later a good friend died . After he died his girlfriend wanted me to move in & help her , so I did . About a month later our closest friend died . She flipped & kicked me out . I was on the streets ; there was a waiting list at the homeless shelter . I had nothing & nobody left . I prayed for death to come . Within a week I got raped . I found out I had gotten pregnant from the rape & finally got a room in the homeless shelter . I was so emotional , but I knew my baby needed me to get through it all . I tried to call about putting the baby up for adoption . I couldn 't make the call , every time I tried I would cry so hard . I finally decided I wanted to keep my baby . She made it easier to get past the rape . I got a beautiful baby girl from what happened to me . She is sweet , loving , & beautiful . What I went through was nothing compared to the joy my little girl has brought to my life . God had given me a reason to keep going . My little girl is my miracle baby . I love her so much , & I have seen lives changed by her life . She is 2 1 / 2 & 3 ' 4 ″ tall , a very tall baby . Everyone who meets her loves her , & of course she is adorable . I have a friend ( who 's only child is from rape as well ) she has adopted us , I call her mom & she is a grandma to Alice . After I graduated high school I moved as far away as my mom would allow for me to go to college . I chose a small Christian school fourteen hours away to establish my independence . I was a member of the cheer leading squad , worked as an assistant athletic trainer , played intramural girls ' flag football & basketball and enjoyed making friends with new people , including the athletes I worked with . Four months into my freshman year in college my life drastically changed . A friend on the football team invited me to a movie and forced sex on me . Because we were friends , I never thought that what he had done was a rape . He told me that I had wanted it to happen , as though I had asked for it and had no one to blame but myself . I was afraid of him , and for the next two weeks , he continued to sexually abuse me . Four weeks later I discovered that I was pregnant . I reluctantly agreed to his suggestion that I would have an abortion to end the pregnancy . His idea of ending the pregnancy was punching me in the abdomen in the park . When that didn 't work , he came into my work and used force to pin me to one of the tables informing me he was going home to get money for an abortion . He would be gone for 2 days . When he got back I was to have the appointment set up . It was obvious by his tone and the force he used that he wasn 't giving me any other option . I was afraid and felt I didn 't have any options . Finally , I broke down and shared my predicament with the girl that lived across the dorm hallway from me , and she helped me to realize that I simply could not have an abortion . I had grown up in a pro - life family and was strongly against abortion . I immediately went home . Since my " so - called friend " didn 't have access to me , his physical abuse turned into verbal threats . I sought help from a lawyer for protection . This one act changed everything I thought I knew . During my initial discussion with the lawyer , as I was sharing what had happened , she informed me that I had been raped by my friend . I told her she had to be wrong because a friend wouldn 't do that . Under those circumstances , it couldn 't count as a rape . She had me call a detective in the city where it had happened and that conversation changed my life . As I talked with the detective , she said the same thing as my lawyer . I argued with her , as well , making the same claims that he was a friend . She then asked me a question that put everything into perspective , " Did he ever tell you it was your fault that the sex had happened ? " The simple answer was " yes . " I learned that day that over 70 % of rapes are done by a so - called " friend , " someone that you already know . The assailant tells you it 's your fault , thereby making it look like you 're partly to blame . Most victims of rape by a friend are attacked more than the one time . This was me . This wasTen years later , I am honored to be the mother to a creative 9 - year old boy who loves life and has the love of everyone he meets around him . Yes , he is a product of a rape . He 's the exception to the rule they say . But just as the rape doesn 't define me and what I have been able to accomplish , it doesn 't define him or who he will become . He plays football and basketball . He is a healthy , well - rounded , mart , funny , and happy child . I could not imagine my life without him in it . What may have looked like ashes has truly been turned to beauty . My son has made my life better . Shauna was raped and became pregnant . She prosecuted her rapist but this clever man basically blackmailed her for custody of her child if the charges weren 't dropped . Her story is coming soon . It was Christmas Eve . Suzanne , now in her sophomore year of college , was home for the holidays . Before she left for school in September of 1960 , she and her boyfriend broke up . Throughout the fall months they had not written , called , or contacted each other . They had been high school sweethearts , but both realized the romance was completely over . For the past several years their families had celebrated the night before Christmas at the home of friends - and this year was no different . The adults had their party downstairs and the college crowd congregated upstairs . The upperclassmen put together a drink called a " scorpion , " which was a combination of liquors they served in a beautiful sterling silver punch bowl . A straw was placed in the bowl and it was passed from person to person . Suzanne 's friends coaxed her to participate and she played along . With her limited experience with alcohol , the drink tasted like strong punch . Suzanne assumed everyone was drinking from the bowl just like she was , not realizing the group was goading her into a drunken state while they barely sipped the beverage . Before long she was intoxicated and struggling to stand up without assistance . Moments later her former boyfriend stopped by the house to wish everyone a " Merry Christmas " . When he entered the room , the instigators of this perverse entertainment were relieved . They explained what happened and asked him to drive her home . He happily obliged and carefully took her down the back steps so the adults on the first floor wouldn 't discover what happened . In retrospect , no one should have been more surprised with what took place than Dave . [ 2 ] They hadn 't drunk alcohol during the entire time they dated . That night , instead of taking Suzanne home , he took her to his apartment . She had never been in his apartment before because she wanted to avoid the appearance of impropriety . During their months of dating Suzanne and Dave showed great affection for each other , but they had never slept together . Throughout their earlier dating relationship they had an agreement that they would never go that far before marriage . Even in her drunken state , Suzanne remembers being happy to see Dave walk through the door . She realized her need to leave and willingly gotten into his car , assuming he was taking her home . Instead , he took her to his apartment but she was too intoxicated to know where she was . Once they arrived , Suzanne was unable to walk without assistance , and Dave guided her inside and laid her down on his bed . He told her she needed something to eat and he went in the kitchen in search of food . Moments later she passed out . As Suzanne lay unconscious on his bed , Dave took advantage of her drunken state and had intercourse with her sexually . On Christmas Eve of 1960 , Suzanne was date raped by her former boyfriend . With guilt closing in after the attack , Dave grabbed her by the shoulders and started shaking Suzanne frantically as he yelled , " Wake up ! Wake up ! I 've gone too far ! " Slowly , Suzanne awakened and strained to understand what had taken place . The first week in January , heartsick and ridden with false guilt over what had happened , Suzanne headed back to college . She never planned to be in contact with Dave again . A few weeks passed and when she was late for her period , panic set in . During the last week of the month , she drove home and made an appointment with Dr . Charles , a gynecologist and family friend . A test confirmed her worst fear - she was pregnant . Suzanne 's mind raced . Returning to college and overwhelmed with fear , she contemplated suicide . Her father was a politician and their family was well known in their community and far beyond . With great angst she thought about the public embarrassment and shame her pregnancy would bring to the family . She soon realized she lacked the courage to take her own life , so Suzanne called Dave , the former boyfriend she never planned to see again , and told him she was pregnant . He immediately picked her up at school and drove her to the home of her parents . Her mom and dad were shocked and in emotional turmoil following this unexpected news . They took Suzanne to meet with a couple in another city fifty miles away where they had arranged for this pastor and his wife to adopt her baby . Suzanne was in a daze , but when she fully understood the purpose of the meeting , she spoke up . " I don 't think you understand . My baby is not going to be put up for adoption . I am going to give birth to this baby and raise it myself ! " Her father pointed to the exit and forcefully replied , " Do you see that door over there ? You have two choices , you can either walk through that door and never look back or you can marry Dave ! " When Suzanne wouldn 't agree to adoption , her mother and father planned her private wedding . With only her immediate family in attendance , Suzanne 's rushed marriage quietly took place out of town just two days later on February 4 , 1961 . Suzanne knew she had shattered her parents ' rosy dream for her life and didn 't want to cause them more distress . The marriage was a struggle , but Suzanne desperately wanted to make up for their complicated and difficult beginning , and she longed for a good life for her child . Jimmy was born on September 11 , 1961 , and five years later she delivered a second son on June 15 , 1966 . Dave had gone fishing and wasn 't there during her labor and delivery . For five and a half years she tried to make the marriage work . In his own way , Dave tried , too , but they were young and both were haunted by the circumstances that led to their marriage . There was more than enough guilt to go around and she and Dave eventually divorced . Life was challenging and Suzanne struggled on multiple levels . When Jimmy was young , she wrote to Ann Landers and asked her how and when she should tell her son about his conception . Ann wrote back and said , " You will know how and when at the right time . Good luck , dear ! " Twenty years passed . Jimmy was finishing his freshman year at Stanford University , and he had returned home on the eve of Suzanne 's fortieth birthday . As Suzanne and Jimmy sat up talking late into the night , she instinctively knew it was time to tell him the truth . It was as if God had already prepared his heart for this unexpected news . The next day Jimmy pulled out the gift he had wrapped for her birthday . It was a bible . He said , " Mom , one month ago I invited Jesus Christ into my life . " He spoke at length about what it meant to become a Christian . He explained , " God has a purpose and a plan and it was no accident I was conceived under such unusual circumstances . " Suzanne explained , " That day my son introduced me to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ . He had come to faith at the university where he was finishing up his first year . He gave me a beautiful Bible , and wrote a letter to accompany the gift . " I was raised in a very abusive home . I was abused mentally , physically , spiritually , and sexually . Think of the commercials on TV that show the abused dogs , well that 's what my life was like but worse . While I was 14 years old , I went to the dr . to see if I was pregnant . I knew I wasn 't , because I didn 't like boys and I wasn 't having sex . The dr . to my surprise told me I was pregnant . What ! How ! I had no idea my father was having sex with me . All I knew was it was bad and I didn 't like it . What was I going to do with a baby ! I felt so ashamed and alone . My friends at school became my enemies . I was called every name in the book when every one at school found out I was pregnant . I was having my dad 's child ! My emotions were like tidal waves being tossed to and fro . I was so confused . My parents hid me from all my external family . I was like the invisible man . In March the following year I gave birth to a 6 # 10oz baby girl . I remember not knowing how to love her . How does a 15 year old sheltered , abuse girl know how to love . I didn 't know how to love , I was full of hate . All these years have passed and my daughter and I have been on a roller coaster ride , but now our ride has calmed down . We know what happened to me was meant for evil , but God has turned it around for good . I love Rowena and she loves me . We enjoy living and sharing our lives together . Rowena was God 's gift to me in the middle of rape and incest . I know many won 't understand , but every person weather big or small even the unborn matter . It wasn 't Rowena 's fault that my dad raped and abused me . Rowena deserved life and I thank God I had enough of him to deliver Rowena and keep her and love her till forever . This is a short story of God 's goodness in my life . Thanks for letting me share my blessed story . |
Angus the poodle , Husband and I will be welcoming the New Year by sleeping , unless one of us needs a trip to the small room at that exact moment . I 'm excessively pleased to have the day off from work tomorrow . It 's one of the few holidays with no obligations of any kind . I must say that last week and this week are confusing me beyond repair . Half a day off followed by a whole day off followed by two days of work separated by a snow day when I couldn 't get to work followed by a regular weekend ; repeat . Richmond ( Virginia ) Animal League 's Operation Silent Night . Husband and I have vowed never to have any but a shelter or rescue animal . Or perhaps a barn cat who 'd like to have the best of both worlds . We need a cat . The mice are , nightly , holding fancy dress balls in my house , in celebration of MiMau 's demise . We need an orphan kitty who knows how to hunt . I 've been spending time on Petfinder , but Husband says the farmers over the hill probably have barns full of cats they 'd be happy to give up . When I drive past the farms , I slow down and watch carefully . All the cats are smart , staying inside in the warm barn , not outdoors gracefully stretching and washing hind legs , displaying themselves for adoption . It 's only a matter of time . Posted by The good news is that I 'm going to be a great aunt in April . My sister 's son and his wife are my only chance to be an elder to any blood relation so this is a big deal for me . They came to visit a few weeks ago and brought their wedding album that they said they 'd just gotten . . . two years after the wedding . So we went through the album page by page , photo by photo . I was looking up at one of them , talking , as I turned the last page and when I looked down , there was the black and white sonogram picture , with two little soft fuzzy onesies underneath it . I was nearly overcome . " Oh . Oh ! Oh oh oh , " I said , as the tears welled up in my eyes . It was nice to be told about such an event in person . When my nephew was in the works , I heard the news in roundabout fashion : my sister told my mother , who mentioned it offhandedly a week or so after the pregnancy 's confirmation . When he was born , nobody told me for a few days either , and that only when I asked . So this felt special to me . I 've been up to the attic and have retrieved all my knitting supplies . One sweater finished , many blankets , thumbless mittens and little hats to go . And such cute little simple dresses to make ! I haven 't yet mentioned it 's a little girl , have I ? Her mother says she 'll be as girly or not - girly as she wants to be . Me , I 'll be dressing her in pink and ruffles as long as I can get away with it . And the other good news is that I finally got a phone call from the head of the hospital 's cardiology department in response to my letter of complaint about that doctor at my stress test . He phoned my cell while I was driving to work on a Monday morning , and I pulled over and spoke with him for nearly a half hour . It seems that the woman who was so unprofessional with me is , in fact , a cardiologist , not simply a technician as somebody had suggested she might be , and I am not the first to complain about her behavior . I gather that the witchy woman will be called upon the carpet and disciplined in some manner . My caller also told me that the test was not so inconclusive as the witch would have had me believe , and after he gave me his interpretation of the results , I decided to have an angiogram . Which I did on December 5 . And lo and behold , what did he find during the angiogram , but that my left anterior descending coronary artery ( aka the widowmaker . . . horrors ! ) was 80 % - 90 % blocked . ~ drawing from http : / / www . drarunmehra . com / anginapg . htm He put in two stents . . . first a littler one and then a bigger one . . . something happened in there after the first one was put in place that made a second A Very Good Idea . The result is that my heart is now able to move the oxygenated blood back out instead of having it accumulate in there like a filling Zip - loc bag . It is a wonderful thing to be able to take a deep breath . It is a wonderful thing to not " lose my breath quickly . " It is a miracle to breathe at will and not feel as if I 'm climbing a ladder , reaching for my next breath . . . with that breath two rungs above my clawing hands . I 'm awfully glad I wrote that letter of complaint . This morning when I got to work , there was a message on the office phone . The message was from a woman who gave her phone number but no name . She was asking that someone pick her up . I returned the call prepared to give the woman the phone number for the county transportation department , who could send out a bus to her . The person who answered the phone was the caller 's sister , who said she had her sister staying with her , and . . . " She isn 't feeling well . . . mental health wise . She thinks she 's well enough to ride the bus . And she isn 't . She 's getting almost too bad to live with . " A few weeks ago , a woman called , having seen an ad for a business advertising " cash for houses . " She phoned the number in the ad , and the receptionist didn 't know how it worked and said she 'd have a representative call back . She and her sister were trying to sell their deceased mother 's home , and what did I think about it , did I know anything about that particular " cash for houses " business ? The woman wasn 't computer savvy , so I Googled the outfit and read a little about it . I counseled her to expect to get a lowball offer on her mother 's house , if she just wants to dump the house , it would be a way to go . I hung up and said to Jane , " I feel like Dear Abby . " On October 21 and again on October 31 , I picked up the phone at work to speak with a woman who was inquiring whether or not the Village would be having Halloween on the 31st . I 'm not actually positive it was the same woman both times , but the voice was similar . On the 21st she explained that the weather forecast called for rain , and she didn 't want to send her child out to trick or treat in the rain . On the 31st , the caller didn 't offer any explanation for her concern . Both times , I think I said something like , " Halloween is Halloween . It happens on October 31st . It isn 't something the Village schedules . " I suppose there are community groups that have Halloween gatherings , but they aren 't affiliated with Village government . I won 't be surprised if someone phones about when the Village will be holding Thanksgiving , Christmas , New Year 's Eve . The Halloween woman , or possibly , the Halloween women , has apparently grown up in a world in which she looks to the government for answers to her every question , and probably complains that the government tells her what to do every moment of each day . A day before we were touched ( barely , thanks be ! ) by Hurricane Sandy I counted eighty - two crows flying southward over the house . There were more after I stopped counting . . . maybe a hundred of them in all . All of them flying directly south , which seemed counter - intuitive to me . If I were a bird , no doubt the reasoning would have been clear to me . Two days ago I saw a deer in a field as I drove by . It was mostly in its fall / winter dun coat , but with brush strokes of black on its face and elsewhere on its body . I 've never seen a deer so darkly colored . It was beautiful . I slowed the car and the deer and I stared at each other . I do love moments of eye contact with wild critters . I always hope to soak up some of their wisdom . I turned all the clocks back last night , early in the evening . I couldn 't make my body believe the hour , and I went to bed very early . . . and woke up at 3am . Maybe if I pay no attention to the clock but sleep and wake at will all day today , I 'll be able to be adjusted by the time I begin getting ready for work on Monday . MiMau is a good fifteen years old now , and she grows thin . We have been to the vet a couple of times with our complaint . There 's nothing wrong with her except that she 's hollowing out between her hip bones and her ribs . Her fur is as thick and soft as ever . There is occasional evidence of hairball accumulation , but blood tests show nothing even borderline . Certainly her hunting skills have not diminished . Nearly every day , there is a deceased mousey directly in our path as we exit the front door . She 's a humane killer : the little bodies show almost no violence , just one killing strike . She used to eat the fresh meat , then she chose to dine on only the heads . Now , apparently , she 's killing simply for sport , and to stay in fighting trim should we move away and leave her on her own . Not a chance . She 's a great cat and I 'd give her anything that would fatten her up again . She likes to have me sit next to her while she eats her kibble . Maybe she 'd like some canned food , but I doubt it . She 's never liked it . Maybe some canned salmon ? Fresh salmon ? MiMau demonstrating her successful hunting technique : Wait quietly , and the prey comes to you . I am enjoying a jewel of an October day . This morning it was rainy and dreary and cold and I could think of nothing more fun to do than cuddling up with my book and blankets . I drifted off to sleep with the blankets wrapped around my head and only a nose hole for air , pretending to be a squirrel in a hollow tree with my fluffy tail wrapped around me . When I woke up , the weather was glorious ! Blue sky , warm air ! Out of bed , into tank top and jeans and onto the porch to help Husband stack firewood . It 's the annual ritual : last weekend the pretty summer furniture and all the plants came off the porch and this weekend the space transforms to woodshed . Last year Husband did the great majority of wood transfer all by himself and this year I 'm getting in on the chore . It goes much faster and , after all , it 's exercise . I feel so good , being able to help him without my back seizing up on me ! A benefit of moving , walking , breathing hard on a regular basis ! I didn 't tell you about the great blue heron who was crossing the road . I slowed way down so that I might get close enough to see his details , but wary heron unfolded his wings and rose off the macadam while I was still a couple of hundred feet away . I have heard that migrating ducks look for herons to find resting places . . . the ducks are supposed to know that if a shy heron is hanging around the place , it 's safe . I think that idea might give ducks a little more intellectual credit than they might deserve , but what do I know ? I didn 't tell you about the red tailed hawk that watched me walk by on the seasonal road . When he saw me coming , he took off , but came back and perched in the same tree that he had left and stayed in the top of the tree , glaring at me from thirty feet in the air . I didn 't tell you about the Canada goose family waiting at the side of the road until my car passed . Papa and Mama waited with Baby Gosling between them . When I remember the trio , it seems to me that Baby Gosling might have had a red balloon floating above him , the string tucked under his wing . The Canada geese are getting ready to migrate . This morning I passed a stubbly corn field filled with them . They 're perfectly camouflaged for hiding in cornfields ; the only way I could see them was to look for their heads above the cut stalks . The flocks have begun maneuvers in preparation for migration . I had Angus outdoors this morning , heard them honking and was pleased to be looking in just the right direction to see them appear over the trees that border the fields . Fortunate . Most times , I hear their voices and can 't tell where they will appear . There must have been a hundred of them , all honking . As they flew into view they were just a mess of geese , but they formed up into some ragged Vs as I watched . These might not even go away for the winter . Quite a number of them stay around all year , as the robins do . It seems to me that robins used to go away in the cold weather ; now they loiter through the winter . I didn 't tell you about the man who came into the office whose brogue charmed me . " He says I need to sign this in front of you , " he said . I couldn 't help it . I asked him , " If I bring you the phone book , will you read it to me ? " Afternoon boss says the man blushed . I had looked down at my clasped hands ( I think I was blushing , myself ) so I didn 't see if we were becoming rosy simultaneously . It was drizzly and misty and dreary and I did not want to go out in the wet to walk . But my head felt foggy full - moony and stupid and I knew I needed some light and / or oxygen and / or warmth in my toes . On days like that it 's quite often warmer outdoors than in , I find . So I steeled my will , fleeced myself up , and took the camera . I am neither a conscientious nor careful photographer , as you can see by the drops of rain on the lens . . . but the camera got me out to walk , and the colors are pretty in the clouds that sat in the tops of the trees . For months , I 've been thinking frequently of a particular family who lived down the country road from my home in the 1950s . David was in my class at school , and I remember that in first or second grade he had bright red chinos with a buckle in back . David was solemn and studious . I don 't have many memories of his laughing . Our school was across the road from the volunteer fire company . David 's father was a member , and David knew the significance of all the siren combinations . " It 's a bad one , " he 'd say with authority , as the siren howled eight times or ten times . " That 's for mutual aid . " He had three sisters , one of whom was a year or two younger and whose apple cheeks and curly dark hair I remember very clearly , and another two , who were beautiful little strawberry blonds , but really too young to be on my radar . That family was part of our neighborhood . . . an old family who , like us , had owned the land for generations back . . . and summers had us trudging up the hill down the hill around the corner by the one - room schoolhouse that Dad had gone to ( and was then falling down ) over to their house . Red wasn 't mean , but he was a real old - time Irish patriarch . He took his parenting duty seriously . I remember his backhanding David 's head if he perceived any hint of disrespect coming from that quarter . He didn 't do it very often , but the thought of anybody 's father whacking him a glancing ( but still , pretty solid ) blow on the back of the head shocked me , so the memory stuck . Sometimes , all of us kids would go over to Red 's parents ' old farm where he still kept cows . The old farmhouse stood in the pasture , windows gone , porch floorboards askew . " You kids stay out of there ! " Red would call , and if we 'd been having any thought of going inside the spooky old house , we immediately dismissed them . Moira was the mother of the family , at once serious and cheerful . She had long dark hair that she twisted up behind her head , and ruddy cheeks and , like me , a space between her upper front teeth . I hated my space , but on her it looked good . I remember her always at the kitchen table mending things or at the kitchen sink , beginning to get supper ready . We called her Maura for a long time until one day she said , in her quiet voice , " My name is really Moira . It 's an Irish name . " I was fascinated . It was as if she had become a different person , exotic . I remember that she spoke to me as if I were a person and not a little kid . I remember her telling me about when she 'd been baptized in the old - fashioned full - immersion style . . . and how she 'd known it was coming but how surprised she 'd been all the same . One day , the September after Dad died , I got home from school and was dismayed when , a short time later , Red 's truck drove in the driveway . Mom was working and at ten I had already formed the habits of solitude and of hiding like a rabbit . Red went to the barn to do something and the dark - haired daughter hollered my name over and over and over again as loud as she could to make me come out and play with her . I hid in my bedroom and finally heard Red say , " If she doesn 't want to come out , she doesn 't want to come out . Leave her alone . " So that 's all , I guess . I 've been thinking of them , and thinking of them , and today I read that Moira died two days ago . It 's funny how the cosmos makes connections across so much space and so much time . I know , through my job , a woman who is funny , intelligent , attractive , clean , employed , fit , married . You know . . . normal . I do not do Facebook ( is the second syllable supposed to be capitalized ? ) but over a friend 's shoulder I happened to see subject woman 's Facebook page , in which she rants about her . . . distaste . . . for a " nanny state . " I was surprised by her anger as she is , in person , quite pleasant . This woman lives on a street partly and temporarily populated by students of the local college . The noise , particularly on Thursday nights , well into the wee hours , is making her insane . I know exactly how she feels , having lived across the street from a suburban twenty - four hour supermarket . A few years ago I wrote about those horrors . So . Small Pond has enacted a toothier noise ordinance , and our woman was pleased to hear it . Progress ! she felt . She was mightily disappointed when it turned out that the new law does not require public beheadings of suspected noisemakers after one whistle , hiss , holler , etc . In some unrelated correspondence , she asked me if a certain new property owner would be permitted to rent his apartments to college students . I replied that it is illegal to discriminate against any class of people and her response was , verbatim : " blah , blah , blah . . . " My friend B sent me this zucchini / tomato recipe and I cooked it up Sunday afternoon . Instead of the panko bread crumbs , I used some stale homemade Italian herb bread that I chopped up into little dry coarse crumbs . And when I was grabbing herbs from the pantry , I grabbed Adobo seasoning instead of garlic powder . I hardly ever make anything the way I 'm told to . It most definitely does require that ( at least ) ten minute wait before cutting for it all to firm up . I actually let it sit quite a bit longer than that and it was a little loose . My tomatoes were very ripe and juicy . Next time , I might layer the crumbs among the vegetables . It didn 't come out of the pan in perfect little squares . Sure is tasty , though , and the zucchini was nicely al dente . I think this is going into the regular rotation . Thanks , B ! I 'm just back from my walk in the brisk fall air . The sky is blue with lots and lots of fluffy white clouds scudding by up there , soft gray underbellies smoothed off by the wind . I feel that there is something so sweet about this time of year ; the world is so beautiful in a sentimental way . I took my time on my route , not so much because I was feeling slow , but because I wanted to prolong my reason for being out on the dirt road , walking through the alternating tree shadow and bright sun , smelling the scents of cow manure and fermenting corn blown from upwind fields . I passed Old Frank on my way out . He was trimming the grass around his house . I kept watching for an opportunity to wave , but he didn 't look up . On my way back , he was trimming close to the road , so I stepped up next to him , my shadow providing silent notice that he had company . Frank is old : I don 't want to surprise him too suddenly . This must be my weekend for conversations with wise old men . He and I had a short political discussion during which both of us complained and neither of us committed to one presidential candidate or the other . We talked about the price of gas , and the questionable value of a college degree , and he confirmed for me that Neighbor Bob has moved out of his house that he built with his own two hands . Bob has one of those horrible diseases , not uncommon , but variable in its victims ' symptoms , and he can no longer bring in firewood , plow the driveway , mow his lawn . His wife is not sturdy either , so they 've moved west to live nearer relatives . I asked Frank if somebody had bought the house . " We have one we use often at work , " I said . " It 's ' You can 't fix stupid . ' " I don 't think we were talking about Bob and his wife . We might have been , but I think we were simply expressing our general agreement about the rest of Those People Out There Who Aren 't So Wise As We . Lucky us : we 're so smart . Last night Husband went out for his second walking turn of the day , and just as he reached the end of the first lap , the skies opened and the rain came down in sheets . A car stopped and the couple in it offered him a ride . They were people who live two and a half miles away from us on another dirt road . We didn 't know them , and they didn 't know Husband , but they took in a soaking wet man and brought him home . Now that the nights are cool . . . high 40s , low 50s . . . I sleep so deeply ! It 's like going on a slumberous vacation , burrowing under the blankets , nestling my head among the pillows , getting the firm pillows and the soft pillows in exactly the right spots . It 's the only part of my 24 hour day that I feel like a princess . Afternoon boss emailed this morning : won 't be in , up all night with chest pain . This is no longer cause for alarm in my heart . He subsists on an hour and a half of sleep per night , if he is to be believed , and he has had heart issues since forever and , most of the time , ignores them . I 've been wishing for a come - home - early day and for sure now , today won 't be it . Speaking of heart issues , I went out and did my very short walk this morning . All of fifteen minutes . I do lose my breath quickly , but I also seem to recover it quickly , so I guess that 's good . I did not want to go out there this morning . It 's dark and damp and not energizing weather , but just because I felt that I might never want to go out and walk again , I did it . By golly ! So now I 've broken through that mental barrier . So many of those mind games I have to play to accomplish almost anything ! I did send my complaint to the hospital administrator . Quite eloquent , I think I was , with just enough emotion to inspire empathy . I await some response . I expect I 'll get something from somebody . Maybe a coupon for a free blood test , the way big corporations do for complaints about grocery items ? This house , which looks to me like a condominium ( probably one of those " doesn 't translate from British to American " things ) , just charms me . It looks like a little doll 's house to me . To the left there as one faces the front of the house . . . is that a little walk - through to the rear yard ? For anyone to use ? I do like those heated towel racks in all the British bathrooms ! What a luxury , although I understand the room in which the towel rack is located might be otherwise unheated . It 's so cozy to have all the houses all cuddled together and still to have access to huge fields . If the sounds of my neighbors got to be too much for me I could get out among the hay and look away from . . . people . Having spent some time this morning noodling around , looking at properties for sale in Yorkshire , I can certainly see why New York was named after it . The natural features are nearly identical . Beautiful . This is one of those slideshows that eventually go everywhere in the world . Most of the sentiments have been everywhere in the world already . But it 's nice . When the patient has cried Uncle ! and has collapsed onto the gurney behind her , don 't dismissively wave one arm and say , " I can 't tell you anything from this ! It 'll go to the main hospital and somebody there will look at it . I can tell you that your tolerance for exercise is very poor . " Trust me : a fat person knows that she is fat . She doesn 't need you , you angular pointy - chinned witch , to disdainfully advise her of the fact . I came home and wept with shame . Its , without an apostrophe , is possessive . People have become afraid to use an s on the end of a word without throwing in an apostrophe . Last week I saw a license plate frame on a vehicle . On the frame there was written " The Hart 's . " I wonder which one of the Hart family owns that car , assuming it is not owned by a male of the red deer especially when over five years old . ( Where would he fit his antlers while driving ? ) If the meaning were that the Hart family owns the vehicle , it would have read " The Harts ' " . My grandparents took my brother and me camping gets twisted into My grandparents took my brother and I camping because the writer or speaker fears using me . It 's just as painfully incorrect as Hi , me am home . Please , please : My brother and I go camping with my grandparents . Words for groups of things , people , etc . , are , in essence , singular words . Family is a singular word . I use the word family so I don 't have to say , " My mother , my father , my sisters Beulah , Drusilla , Eustachia , and my brothers Billy Bob , Joe Bob , and Dan Bob . . . " It 's a trifle over two solid weeks that I 've been walking a two - mile route . Once a day , morning or evening . Sometimes , if my Achilles tendons are tight and sore , it isn 't even the two - mile route , but rather the half - mile driveway loop . I weighed myself a week ago and had lost nothing . I kept at it , thinking that with the eating habits changing and the moving - instead - of - sitting - for - the - equivalent - length - of - time , something would have to give . I 'm home until the sixteenth of the month , using up the last of my annually awarded three weeks of paid vacation . I had a respectable list of Chores That Take Time to accomplish during this time . I have done almost nothing that is on the list . I have , however , walked every morning , usually before dawn . The sun rises just before I reach the driveway on the trip home , when my ankles are weakening and twinging and my lower back is all nice and loose , and I have finally relaxed enough to stop holding my breath and I 'm panting deeply . I come inside and take off sneakers and socks and I sweat for a little while before I shower just so I can pretend to be an athlete for a few minutes . A shower and then it 's fresh shorts and tank top and my book on the porch until all my muscles relax and I get hungry . It 's a wonderfully satisfying routine , and I would like to retire so I could make it my routine all year . My go to work mornings don 't allow enough time for all that leisurely sweating , showering , sitting . I thought that during my morning walks I would see wildlife everywhere , but I don 't . No doubt I make so much noise that the animals are all long hidden before I am close enough to spy on them . I have seen one deer leaping across the road . The road is narrow and the deer was agile . It was one bound and gone . Rabbits stay immobile at the side of the road , trying for invisibility . Their nerve usually fails them at fifty feet , though , and they leap into the greenery . This morning one waited until I was nearly upon him , and hadn 't seen him , before he bustled through the low - growing leaves . The sudden scuffling provided a shot of adrenalin to my heart . I keep forgetting to look for the snake Husband says is nearby . He says the snake must have just caught a frog and both are dead , run over by a vehicle , their corpses drying in the dirt road . The sight as I envision it offers a philosophical question : Is it preferable to have Death come just at that moment when a goal has been achieved , or is it even more of a loss to die without enjoying the satisfaction of the achievement ? Along the seasonal road signs are posted : ROAD NOT MAINTAINED BETWEEN DECEMBER 1 AND APRIL 15 so that people won 't plunge their vehicles into the midwinter snowdrifts . People still do that ; Husband did a few years ago . But the town has discharged its responsibility and those who do get buried are on their own , stumbling back to the farmer at the end of the road to beg help via a tractor and a chain . Maybe because no snowplows go through there , debris has accumulated . This summer 's additions include a navy blue tee shirt with a Ford emblem on the chest that hangs on the branches of a wild shrub , as if somebody got too hot and hung out his laundry to dry without benefit of washing first . Farther along , a thick blue tarp with lots and lots of white block printing on it . Warnings , printed in four languages , to avoid this and that . It appears to me that such tarps , intended for tying over haybales , have been used at one time or another as trampolines , cauJune On hot days when I was little , we would pray that Dad would come home , get out of his truck and , on his way in the door , call , " Who wants to go swimming ? " I think it was considered Not A Good Idea to ask or pester : we had to wait to see if Dad would feel the need for a dip . We 'd hardly wait for his invitation to be out of his mouth before we 'd begin to scramble out of our wilted sweaty shorts and shirts and into our bathing suits and all pile into the truck to go to the swimming hole at " the crick . " I wouldn 't be able to find the place now to save my soul , but it was a spot on the Kaydeross where tree roots made rough stairs in the steep bank . You could tell how many people had been there before you by the muddy slipperiness of the roots . I still love that creek mud smell , although last summer 's flood somewhat tainted it for me . I was fifteen when the family who employed me as a babysitter asked me to go with them to Bar Harbor to " nanny " for them . The kids and I stayed with the Missus ' mother : there was little nannying to be done . Mr . and Mrs . went on a sailing trip with friends for a few days and then they were back to watch their own kids . They were very nice people . I think they were just being terribly kind to me and wanted to give me a vacation . If you 've never swum in the ocean off the Maine coast , you haven 't experienced Refreshing . I believe there is ice in the water there . That was the first time I ever experienced undertow . . . I was twirled and spun and scraped along the bottom for a few short but uncomfortably long moments . A summer day in my early teens : my friend 's family stopped at my house to ask if I wanted to go along with them to a week 's stay at a lake in Vermont . I needed to bring sheets and we had no extra sheets , so I took the dirty sheets off my bed . When my friend 's mother saw those sheets . . . they were worn and torn almost from one end to the other . . . she laughed . I think that I never took them out of the car . L and I rowed a boat that was provided with the cabin and played cards at night in the yellow porch light . The lake was filled with those tall leafy weeds that twine around your legs . I tried not to make ugly sounds of fright as they stroked my legs until I swam out to deeper water where they couldn 't reach me . When I was in college , I worked as a chamber maid at a motel for one summer . One of my employee privileges was use of the motel pool after I 'd cleaned all my rooms . I had the best suntan of my life that summer . First I had the worst sunburn of my life , and I continued to go out in my little red two - piece suit and cook myself through my sunburn until I was so hot I could hardly breathe . Then I 'd get up , stalk to the edge of the pool and dive in without any ado . Once my flesh cooled enough for comfort , I 'd climb up the stairs , go back to my lounge chair and cook some more . I was careful to remove all jewelry and spread my fingers so there would be no white areas other than those covered by my suit . If I get skin cancer , that summer is the reason . This summer when the heat 's stopped my brain from functioning well enough to accomplish anything or even to read , I 've daydreamed about having a small pool here at the house . What a pleasure it would have been , last week , to spend my days and nights lolling in the water , letting it leach the heat from my blood . Then I think about having to clean the thing and make sure the chlorine 's correct and having to fish out drowned rabbits and woodchucks , and a cool shower seems perfectly good . I took these two photos of a barn swallow chick on July 7 , the first day we saw him out of the nest . It was , clearly , a little bit too early for his capabilities . Sitting on the gravel in front of the barn door . I herded him closer to the building so he wouldn 't be quite so obvious to MiMau , should she pass by . She never seemed to notice him . Angus did , though , from inside the house . What a ruckus ! These next three were the next day . We were so glad to see that he 'd made it through the night . He had overnighted in the barn . At about 9pm Husband had seen him in there , perched on a pile of tires . The whole swallow squadron came out again and I 'm sure knew exactly where he was . . . they were swooping way back in the field behind the barn . That must have been where the baby was . Of course we don 't know now if he grew to dependable flying age successfully , but Husband says he saw three swallows flying together a couple of days later . Two of them had complete and pretty swallowtail feathers , and the one in the middle did not . At 7 : 30 last night I saw MiMau at the bottom edge of the lawn , listening to the tall grass . I could tell she was working into hunting mode . She 's never very far from hunting mode anyway . At 8 : 30 she wasn 't home . At 9 : 00 she wasn 't home and Angus was beginning to do his TimeToGoUpstairsToBed dance . I made it to 10 : 00 and figured if she came to the door and did her speed bag punching routine on the glass door it would probably wake me up . ( Husband went to New Jersey yesterday . . . which means that he was not here last night at midnight to let MiMau in from her evening rambles . ) I woke up this morning : no MiMau . I took my shower , got dressed , put on makeup , was back downstairs , fingering through the little bin of jewelry that hasn 't made it back upstairs where it belongs , looking for something with which to array myself . I had made up my mind that MiMau had become part of the great mandala again . This , I thought , is the summer of dwindling pet population . " See ? You didn 't like me doing this - - you pushed me away - - but now I can do it all I want , can 't I ? " Posted by Thank you all for your kind sympathy on Max 's departure . We 're still breathing here , I 've settled down and gotten over myself in regard to poor Husband 's attempt to lighten the mood . . . and , while I would have the little pink boy back in a heartbeat if he could be well and happy , it 's so easy having one cat and one dog . Angus has almost stopped looking over his shoulder when the supper dish goes down . For years , he 's had to give up his dish for Max . He 's moved to the foot of the bed to let Max have the next - to - Mom 's - head spot . He 's retained enough of his little wild man personality to shine through , and now I think he 's enjoying being an only dog . He bounces around like a little rocking horse and playbows at MiMau , at Husband , at me : he clearly is not aware that he is just as old as his brother who is no longer among us . The EVENT is that today is my birthday . I have reached an age seven years beyond the 54 that my sister 's friend , playing psychic , said would be the end of me . I have lived two years beyond a cancer diagnosis and cure . I 've lived long enough to have been a drunk and have seven years of sobriety under my belt . Life is good . I live in my dream place with Husband , one beloved rescued cat and one beloved rescued dog , and the warm memories of many other treasured pets . I rarely sleep for more than four hours at a time and would happily nap / wake / nap / wake all day and night . I am undisciplined , a classic underachiever . I believe that inevitable tragedy is a fork in the road , offering lessons in emotional and spiritual growth . One of my coping skills is a quick and wicked wit and I often crack me up . I avoid people who talk neverendingly about nothing . I cannot bear unrelieved humorless negativity . |
You know our new house ? Under all that snow , there is a garden with flowers , and a stone border . I was thrilled to see there also was little pathway that follows the garden under the trees . I find myself daydreaming about what other secrets wait to be discovered . I have worked at the store every day of spring break . It 's been crazy . Someone had been hired , quit , and then asked to come back , and then changed her mind after the new schedules for the next two weeks were posted . It has been this mad scramble to fill her shifts . I try to help out during the crunch times , but I was very much looking forward to finally having these two days off . Jeremy called from the store to ask if I would mind working . I waffled . I felt guilty as heck , but finally told him no , that I couldn 't . I needed to work on these assignments . I did too . I spent over ten hours today , working on projects . Good news ? I knocked two more major projects out . Bad news ? I 'm not done yet . It 's midnight . I 'm headed for bed . Posted by It 's snowing like crazy here . Like so hard that I was not sure that I was going to make it home from work . I did though . Spun my way right up the hill . Honest to pete , I am heartily SICK of winter . Ok . I 'm done whining . ( That 's whinging in ' Strine . ) Sorry . Not posting a lot . I 'm on spring break , dontcha know . When you 're old , spring break is not a party , though . That 's what I noticed . I had a nice weekend , but really . . . . . . I have spent most of my spring break at the computer , consulting books , knocking out assignments , thinking , organizing , researching . Stuff like that . I 've gotten a lot done . Alas , there is still much to do . I picked up some extra hours at the store , so yeah , I been working too . I meant to get caught up on housework . I did . A little . I waxed floors . darn lucky only Tim and I see our bedroom though . Today , I 'm going up to Mary 's to play scrabble . Man . Oooooh . The excitement of it all . This is why I haven 't been blogging . Little William came for a visit . I remembered that I had a camera just as he was headed out the door with his parents . I 'm the worst grandmother ever . I got totally distracted by the charming experience of holding him . There 's something that is very hypnotic about holding a tiny lump of a baby in the crook of your arm and watching him make little sound asleep baby noises and tiny little baby twitches . Next thing I know Buddy and Brianna are heading home and the trance wears off and all of a sudden I 'm gasping , " Oh , Cuuuuuuuu - rap ! I forgot to take pictures ! " Little William rolls his eyes impatiently at his grandma . " Ay yi yi , " he says . " When are you ever going to get the hang of this grandma thing ? " I hang my head a little . " Sorry William . You deserve better . " He says , " I sure do , grandma . " He begins to ponder the wording for his advertisement in the paper . " Grandma wanted , " it will begin . Dylan and Brittani were in for the weekend . Brittani wanted me to teach her how to make pepperoni rolls . It was a nice morning , the two of us working side by side kneading dough , talking and getting to know each other . She is really a very nice girl . Once again , I forgot to take pictures . But we had piping hot pepperoni rolls , straight from the oven . And cinnamon rolls , soft and warm and drizzled in cinnamon icing . That should count for something . I left for work right after that , and when I got home , I mixed up another batch of dough to make my own husband a batch of cinnamon rolls . I 'd sent the first batch home with Dylan and Brittani . So once again , I kneaded dough and we talked about our grown children and our growing family . We 're very lucky . Posted by This story actually started last night , just about the time we closed . A young girl that I knew from when I worked for the Conservation District came in and she was beside herself . She had lost her dog , Lily , a blue heeler , and she was hopeful that we might have heard a customer talking about a found dog . " No , " I said , " but here 's a piece of paper and a pen . Make up a notice and put in on the public bulletin board in the back of the store . " She did , and they left , and I felt badly for her , because she surely was broken up about that dog . I came into work tonight , and on my way back to clock in , I saw that she 'd been back in , and she 'd posted a picture of the dog , along with information on where to call . She had a bunch of those little tabs at the bottom to tear off with her phone number on . A man was studying the picture . I said , " I sure hope someone finds that dog , because her owner is taking it hard . " The man said , in a musing way , " I hope I 'm wrong , but there 's a dead dog lying along side my road that looks a lot like that dog . " I winced and hoped with all my heart that he was wrong too . Fast forward . A regular customer comes in , and he is jubilant . I hear him talking to Mark about a found dog . Being a nosy nellie , I shot right back there . " Is it Lily ? " I asked . " Are you talking about Lily ? " and he said , " Yes , I am ! " And we all had a little ' yesssssssssssssssssss ! ! ! ' moment right there in the middle of the store . Here 's the story . The girl is a farrier . A young girl , but really , salt of the earth . She trains this man 's horses , and was at his house working with his horses . The dog was in the van , and managed to get herself out of a partially opened window . The customer said , " Well , I came home , and I saw a dog running , but I figured the neighbors had gotten a new dog . " It was not until his horse trainer realized that her dog was gone that he realized that he 'd seen it . " Gees , that dog was headed out of here and down the road about 20 minutes ago , " he told the girl , and she was upset , and he felt terrible . He continPosted by It 's snowing still . We had about 5 or 6 inches on the last day of school . For the last two days , it has been lightly snowing . It is gray and dreary out there this morning , but two days ago , I was digging in the dirt , digging up crocuses to go with my tulips and daffodils . On my dining room table it is spring . That , and the memory of the smell of the good rich earth , those two things will get me through to days when , finally , I am warm again . I read a thing on Zsa Zsa Gabor being admitted to the hospital from the stress of her friend Elizabeth Taylor 's passing . At 95 , she is fearful of being next . Her publicist said , " She isn 't going to be next . She 's a strong woman , a fighter . " I 've been thinking on that . I wonder about their world , a world that does not acknowledge that death comes for all of us , and that none of us know when . I wonder about people who believe that they can simply fight off death , simply choose not to die . I wonder about a woman being paid to make pronouncements of who will go first and when . I wonder if this elderly lady is comforted by those empty words . What a foolish and artificial world these people live in ! Mostly though , I find myself wondering once again , when it will stop snowing . In the depths of winter , I learned that within me there lie an invincible spring ~ Camas In just 10 hours , I will begin spring break . Dylan and Brittani are coming in Friday night for the weekend . Brittani wants me to teach her how to make pepperoni rolls . Of course I said yes . And I was very touched . Dylan has yet to meet little William , so that 's what this is all about . Brianna and Buddy and William will come over for supper Saturday evening . I 'm excited about that , too . At some point , I will go to Mary 's house to play scrabble . I 'm looking forward to relaxing with my friend . I 've got a hundred little errands planned . Housework to be done . Cooking for Tim . Raking the leaves up at our new house . Planting an asparagus bed there , and some blueberry bushes . I 've got a lot planned for my 10 days off . I 'm sure it 's going to fly by . I 'm really running out of steam here . Probably because I know that spring break begins the day after tomorrow . Today , I just have one class . I do not have my three hour lab this afternoon . This means I 'll be on my way back home by 10 . This is a good thing . I have three OT interventions to plan for the following day . The first one is planned already . It is for preschoolers . My partner and I very quickly split it up . She 's a craft master , one of those people with baskets of crafting supplies at home . This impresses the heck out of me . After my traumatic experience with a glue gun , I just . lost . interest . in crafts . Our letter for the day is ' W ' , and the activity for the day is measuring . So we settled on inch worms and her craft is to make a little worm , complete with googly eyes ( fine motor skills ) . I am in charge of ' circle time ' . I have " Inch by Inch " a story about an inch worm who measures . Then I have a lime green basket full of things ( three china cups , three balls , empty pop bottles , rope , etc . ) that we will compare . What is big ? Small ? Short ? Long ? Light ? Heavy ? Stuff like this is my cup of tea , and my partner and I work very well together . I think we put together a very good project . The second two are for mentally ill adults . The first one is a group project . That project came together very quickly , even though two of the four group members are very difficult to work with . One has not shown up to one meeting . Even though he apologizes very prettily , he does not answer texts , he simply does not show up . I am working with ' young girl ' again , and again , she took the written portion of everything , upset that it was not done to her satisfaction , and rewrote the whole thing allowing no one to have input to that but herself , and then waxes dramatic about ' the four hours ' that she put into this project . This is a recurring theme for her . Her partner in the last project finally said , after she had rewritten things repeatedly , " That 's enough ! " He was making an exhibit to go along with it . She wanted changes made to goPosted by I am really proud of myself this weekend . I typed up one case map ( which took two hours alone ) , I finished my part of two group projects , I completed one homework assignment and two hand outs , and have completed as much as possible of a reflection paper . Is there more to do ? Oh yes . Oh , golly yes . But each and every time that I ' knock ' something out , move it from my red ( undone ) folder to my lime green ( hallelujah it 's done ! ) folder , I feel like I have accomplished something major . One step at a time , I 'm getting there . And now , I 'm going to bed , but I just had to take a moment to be joyful . Late edit : You know , I also forgot to say that I got my washing and ironing and folding all done ( and there was a ton of it . ) I made a pot of spaghetti sauce , I watched a movie with my husband ( while ironing , but still ) , had a conversation with Cara , worked Saturday , went to church on Sunday , and wrote an overdue letter . I think that I have super powers . We were getting ready to go to bed . Of course , we were talking about the new house . I said to Tim , " I know that it 's stupid , but I never expected to love that house . I really LOVE that house . " He laughed , and said , a bit embarrassed , " No . Last night at work on break , I went to the computer just to bring up the realtor 's pictures . I just wanted to look at it again . " When we went to bed , we lay side by side in the dark , talking . Dreaming long before our eyes ever closed . So , it 's not just me . Tim feels it too . We don 't have television , but still the pictures from Japan make their way to me . There is no escaping them . The face of an elderly Japanese man haunts me . I want to go there , and find him and make him safe , and comfortable , and fed . Everyone that I know has at least one picture caught in their mind , an image that is seared into our horrified brains . Everyone wants to do something . It 's not just me . The moon is huge tonight . Just huge . Wrapped up in my blue bathrobe , I watch it from the window . The neighbor 's dog barks and barks and barks . How on earth do you let a dog out and then not wait for him to come back in ? I sit wide awake , watching the moon . It 's not just me awake and watching . I 've got company . That dog just keeps on barking . I saw the house today for the first time , when we went to meet the realtor , put down our ' earnest ' money , and sign the paperwork . It has a portico at the side door and you step into a entrance way . The staircase is to your left . If you go straight back you find a remodeled bathroom , a huge room with a beautiful clawfoot tub . There is one bedroom on the first floor , right next to the bathroom . The kitchen is a large eat in kitchen with Corrian counter tops . It is to the left as you stand in the entrance way . To your right is a set of french doors which lead into a livingroom . If you open the french doors on the other side , there is a small library with a fireplace and glass fronted book cases . There is also a small room with a ceramic tile floor that would be an awfully nice room for exercise equipment . Except for the kitchen , the downstairs is hardwood floor which we will refinish . Upstairs there are three more bedrooms , plus a large room with ( believe it or not ) a little kitchenette . It would make a nice office / study . It is bright and you could make yourself a cup of tea or coffee while you study . It would be nice to have a small dorm refrigerator there . There is also a large bathroom ( also remodeled ) on the second floor . On the third floor there are two more bedrooms . Interestingly enough , the place has all sorts of interesting nooks and cubbies and tiny little rooms that are too big for closets but too small for bedrooms . The second and third floors are carpeted in berber carpet . It is very dirty . As Tim and the realtor talked downstairs , I roamed through this house and I was delighted . I could see us in this house . I could see our things in this house . I was thrilled with this house . I came downstairs and Tim said , " So what do you think ? " He was afraid that I 'd be turned off by all the dirt . I looked at him and said , " I love this . I really love this house . " And he was pleased . We 've never had a house that was just ours . We moved into his house . He put a second floor on it , and it was nice , but really , it was not Posted by It 's been a bit of a hard time around here . We love our children , but sometimes , lines need to be drawn . We want to save them , but we can 't . The biggest gift we can give them is stepping back and allowing them to figure out that they can save themselves . However that ' gift ' is never appreciated at the time . So it has been a sad time and a grieving time for me . School has been hectic . Another group project . I am currently involved in three of them . Two of them are going well , actually . The third ? Gah ! Meetings are set up , no one shows , I do lots of typing . Someone else redoes all the typing . Lots of work being done that I didn 't have to do . I 've got a bucket load of assignments with varying due dates . I just try to knock them out . My A in Anatomy and Physiology is now a B . Tim put a bid in on a house ( sorry , I guess you have to click on the first house , the green one ) yesterday . He low - balled it . We figured that if they took it , they took it . If they didn 't , no harm , no foul . ( It has not been lived in for a couple of years ) . Today that bid was accepted . It 's a three story , six bedroom house . Hardwood floor , fireplace . Glass fronted book cases on each side of that fireplace . It will be beautiful , but it needs some serious cleaning up . No structural deficiencies on this one - good news - but it does need to have the heating system replaced . It has a garage out back . It looks as if someone began to rehab the place and then , for whatever reason , simply stopped . Interestingly enough , it 's on the same street as the rental houses , dead center between the two of them . Cara said , " Are you guys playing Monopoly ? " This will be my summer project , since cleaning and refinishing hardwood floors is something that I can definately do all by myself . Tim will finish the final rental apartment . I 'm looking forward to it . Today is Hinckley Buzzard Day ! I saw turkey vultures last week along the west side of Rt 62 on the way to school . I 'd forgotten that they were migratory until Karen at work began to discuss it . I find myself wondering about why it is the robin picked to represent spring ? It could have just as easily be a big old vulture with a big strip of road kill hanging from its beak . Must be that the robin had better PR . I don 't know . Anyway , today is Hinckley Buzzard Day ! Everyone celebrate with a heaping helping of carrion . Yesterday , at the Tractor Supply , a couple little girls came in with their grandfather to see the chicks . The ducklings are gone . We still got bunnies , though . So people bring their kids in to see them , and really , the darn things are soooooooo cute . Fun to watch , and the peeping of the chicks just makes me think of spring . Even though I can look out the front door of the store and watch it snowing . But that 's another whine for another day . So these two little girls came up to the counter with their grandfather to check out . I asked them what they thought of the chicks and weren 't they cute ? etc . etc . etc . And excitedly they chattered about chicks , and how they wanted one , and grandpa smiled indulgently , but told them no . I said , to smooth it all over , " All I want is two chickens , but I 'm not allowed either . " The littlest girl , about five years old said , " Why can 't you have them ? " very interestedly . I looked down at her . " Well , my husband told me no . " ( He did too . He 's afraid they will bring coyotes into the yard , or that our neighbor 's dog will get them , and there will be problems . Best just not to even open that door , in his opinion . . . just buy the eggs at the grocery store . . . ) So I looked down at this little girl , just the cutest thing , and I told her , " Well , my husband said no , " and that little pippersqueak leaned forward and said , " You know , you don 't have to do what they say . . . " as if she was imparting great wisdom to me . And grandpa and I burst out laughing . Later , as the three of them were walking out the door , the littlest one got side tracked by the Schleich horses . She wanted one in the worst way . Grandpa said , " Well , we 'd better go ask grandma . See what she thinks about this . " I walked past them , and the littlest one said , " We 're going to ask my nana if I can have this black horse ! " very excitedly . And grandpa took their hands and they headed for the door . Grandpa said , " I have to listen to grandma . I know better . " I went back to building the decorative display windmills , and I chuckled to myself at that Posted by On the way over to Korea , Cara 's brand new luggage was damaged . Those suitcases were packed chock full and did not survive the indignity of airport handling . Once she hit the ground in Daegu , her first days there were spent up to her armpits in paperwork to justify her stay . Finally , she had time to turn her attentions to the matter of her luggage and discovered that she was too late to file her claim . But Caras will have their satisfaction , and so she crafted a letter . Cara 's letters are a thing to behold , truly . You should see her letter of resignation from Tim Horton 's . After very prettily thanking them for hiring her , and for the opportunity to work with them , she states : " In recent days it has become clear that the food industry is not in keeping with the altruistic pursuits of my youth and as such is best to be abandoned at this time . " She goes on to apologize for any inconvenience her two week notice might cause and she states that she will continue to be a reliable worker to the end and will be happy to train her replacement . Well . As I said , Cara crafted a letter to the airlines . To the Poor Soul Who Reads the Bitchy Emails and to the Airline that Causes People to Bitch , Greetings , I am writing to you from Daegu , South Korea where I have just recently landed . I am doing well , thank you for asking . My luggage , not so much . When I arrived in Chicago I was given the wonderful news that while I made it over in one piece , my luggage was not so lucky . There was a rather large hole , exposing my cardigans ( for the world to see , I might add ) in my brand new , very pretty suitcase . How could such a travesty happen , I ask myself ? It seems odd to think that an hour long flight might massacre my luggage in such a way , especially when I had such a fantastic baggage check clerk who was apparently preparing to be a quarterback . ( By that , I mean that she heaved my luggage onto the conveyor belt ) . I understand that you have a " blink twice and you miss your chance to file a baggage claim " policy , however I wanted to give you anPosted by Yesterday , I got up and man , I was a tired puppy . I had not gone to bed until after midnight , and I was having trouble getting myself going . I lay in bed and silently whimpered to myself about being tired , but then finally I got myself up and going . I wanted to get to class early . It was our teacher 's birthday . Someone was bringing cupcakes . We had all decided to wrap our homework papers on Therapeutic Groups , and I was bringing wrapping paper . I said to myself , " Self , you 'll have to skip your coffee this morning . Just grab a cup on the way in , " and so I got ready and headed out . Driving to school , I recognized a car . It was a couple of young kids that I 'd seen on campus . I watched them turn up a side road , and once again , I thought to myself , " Self , you are getting to school early , and this is an opportunity to find a new way to school . " And so I also turned left and followed their car . I was right . It was a twisty road , up a hill , unlikely to be affected by flooding ever . However , it was covered with drifting snow . I drove along slowly and carefully . I lost track of my friends . Finally , however , I got to the intersection , turned left once again . . . and then realized that the road I was on was not the road I thought it was . There was a moment of panic ( after all , I had the wrapping paper ) but then I took a deep breath and scanned my surroundings from the hillside , figured out where I was in relationship to where I needed to be , and got myself there . " Better not stop for coffee , " I thought . And I made the supreme sacrifice : I drove past the convenience store . " I 'll get my coffee on first break . " First break came , and one of the kids that I am coleading a group with came over to discuss our project ( we are presenting a simulation of what it is like for a kid to be sensorily defensive ) . We 've all been so busy that we just don 't have time to meet . So we had a little meeting right there . Class was over at noon , and I hightailed it out of there to get home and make lunch for Tim before he left for his second shift job . Two dPosted by It 's been raining like crazy here , just miserable weather . I 'd signed up to do a fundraiser for the Blind Association called ' Dining in the Dark ' . I thought that it was going to be in Jamestown . Instead I found out that it was in Mayville , about an hour from here . Gosh . What a drive ! The shoulders have washed away from the road in some places leaving great trenches . There are some horrible potholes . Water washing across the roads in some places . But I got there , and I was glad to be there . The premise behind the event is that people come in and are blindfolded . They eat their meal ' blind ' . I worried that my table would be a quiet one and I would find myself struggling to keep the conversation going , but no need to fret . It was a cheerful group , and everyone was wonderful . I was their sighted guide , and so I explained to them that , for instance , to keep your hands low to the table while reaching for your water glass , since it was stemmed , and could be knocked over . I explained about their meat being at 6 o ' clock and gave helpful advice like , " Your plate is empty now . . . you can quit looking for food . " When it was done , I headed back home . By then it was awful . You couldn 't tell whether you were approaching one inch of water or six inches . I drove pretty slowly . The pot holes were hidden by the water and darkness , and at one point , I hit one of them so hard that I was sure that I had to have broken something on the car . However , I did not , and made it home safely . The Conewango creek gets higher and higher . Tim picked up a washer and dryer today . He drove it to one of the houses downtown , one that is right on that river . It has probably a 14 - 16 foot embankment from the deck to the river . The basement door is under the deck . This house has no back yard . It 's just pretty much a straight drop to the creek . Tim backed right up to the edge of that yard to move the washer and dryer into the basement . It made me just sick to think of it , that the saturated earth could have given way . The mental picture of our big truck slidingPosted by Mrs . Spit had a blog post that sat me back in my chair . Do you suppose the guy embarrassed himself ? I hope so . It 's even worse to think that he did not even understand that it was a faux pas . Cara was telling that the international building is very noisy at night . She thinks the fact that everyone speaks a different language makes them speak louder to make themselves understood . ( It is not just an American trait . . . . ) At midnight , she was awakened yet again . Going into full RA mode while still not awake enough to realize that she was not an RA in Korea , she leapt from her bed and threw open her door , and with her best RA look , stared them all down . They looked back in ( now ) silent amazement , as the realization finally broke through the fog of Cara 's mind ( " . . . wait . . . I 'm not in charge here . . . . " ) I laughed at the picture her words made . " What happened ? " I asked . Cara said , " Well . My ' RA look ' ? Turns out that it an international super power . " In response to that glare , the people at her door immediately slunk off and it was quiet for the rest of the night . She said , " I e - mailed my old boss . I told him I was documenting some people in Korea and would send him the paperwork . " She 's a hoot . Know what I love ? Yesterday , I was slipping and sliding across a parking lot to get to school . Yesterday afternoon , walking across that self same parking lot to get back to my car after a long , long day ( 3 hour lab practical for A and P ) , there was no ice . It had melted off during the course of the day . Spring ! Spring is coming ! The amazing Bush Babe and Mr . I are packing up in Houston and heading back to LA . If you have not been following along with their adventures , you need to get over to their blog and start reading . They 've had quite a trip while here . There was NYC and Mamma Mia and cheesecake and Starbucks and the Statue of Liberty and snow and winter coats and Macy 's and then there was Houston and rodeos and Tim McGraw and mutton wrangling and cowboy boot shopping and then there was Oklahoma and Ree 's lodge and cooking for Ree . And they 're not even done yet . I love this adventure , and it is great fun to follow along . I 'm starting to realize one thing . When you approach life eagerly with an open heart , life responds open heartedly right back . These are great , great people , and I 've no doubt that they 're leaving a trail of admirers behind in their travels . Violet confided to Cara in NYC that she desperately wanted to see a squirrel . Cara was amused at that and they talked about it . Violet asked about their size . Cara allowed as some of them get pretty big . Violet got very wide - eyed . " As big as me ? " she asked . And it made Cara laugh in delight . Dash was picking out a toy in FAO Swartz . And he is a very careful boy . He doesn 't decide anything in the blink of an eye . He pondered , picking one transformer after another . He certainly did not want a Decepticon . It was all Greek to me , I 'm afraid . My own experience with super heros ended with Dylan 's love of the Power Rangers . In any case , he finally chose his toy . At the end of the night , my Dylan said to Dash , " So , are you pretty sure you got the right toy ? " and immediately , Dash 's little eyes got thoughtful and his finger went to his lips . " Don 't you dare , Dylan ! ! ! " I said , and I pushed him on . We had so little time to sit and talk , and I spent most of the afternoon being amazed that they were here , and that I was with them , but I do have to tell you that Bush Babe and Mr . I are just plainly , good , good people . Probably the thing that most defined Mr . I was this exchange : We were speaking aPosted by Know what scares me ? It scares me when you are part of a group , and someone in that group makes a decision that something is wrong . Wrong . Maybe even evil . He begins to push his viewpoint , and the driving force of his argument is simply , " Well , this is the way that all good group members would see it . " The implication being , of course , that if you don 't see it the same way that he does , well , you , my friend , are obviously not a good group member . Since you are not a good group member , well , by golly , you are not important to the group , and perhaps you just need to go and find your own group someplace else . I don 't understand that a group has to be in lockstep in their thinking , and setting aside my own beliefs just to be a good group member is intolerable to me . I find myself thinking nervously , perhaps that IS the thing to do , because this group is part of my identity , even as I know that I have principles , that they are hard won , much prayed over , and that those principles are also a part of my identity . Tim and I talked about this yesterday . I 'd been keeping it to myself because he is part of this group too . He listened . He read the offensive document . He pondered it for some time . He came out into the kitchen where I was making omelets for supper , and he talked . I listened . Somewhere along the line , I realized that although this group is a big part of who I am , it is not all that I am . I am Debby , I am the wife of a good man , the mother of good children , the grandmother of William . I am a student , and a reader , and a friend , and a funny woman . The list goes on and on . The group is a big part of who I am , however it is not all that I am . Leaving it would not be the end of my world . Last night , going to bed , I was discouraged . My whole body ached , and I worried a little about that . The bone pain had gone , but now it was back ? So I went to bed , and I was discouraged . I woke up this morning with a lousy headache and I understood . That flu that had been going around our classroom ? I got it . Big Anatomy and Physiology Lab Practical on Tuesday . I guess that I should have begun studying earlier . Now I am trying to study while sick . I worked today . At 11 , though , Karen came in to cover for me while I took care of the meeting that I 'd managed to write in . . . on the wrong darn day . When I returned , an hour earlier than I expected , I had a bouquet of flowers for her , a yellow batch of sunshine . On her way out the door , she called back , " I 'll work for you anytime . Especially if there are flowers involved ! " So I got back to work . Some people came in with their dog , a thin dog with a reddish coat . He had a muzzle . I said , " Am I allowed to pet your dog ? " and they said yes , but explained that they 'd only had him a couple weeks , that he 'd spent most of his life in a shelter , that he 'd been exposed to so little that he was exceedingly shy . I reached my hand out and spoke softly , and he looked square at my face , curiously . And then he stepped forward . I petted him and told him what a sweet baby he was . He rubbed into my hand , and then amazingly , he came to me and leaned against my leg as I petted him some more . His owners were shocked . He had never responded to anyone like that before , except for his new ' mama ' . As for me , I had tears in my eyes . I 'd forgotten what it was like to have that ' ken ' with a dog , and I missed my Buck something awful . After work , Tim and I went grocery shopping , and then picked up a video . We saw one called ' Hachi ' with Richard Gere . We both enjoy Richard Gere , so we made that our pick of the night . I cried . Even Tim had tears in his eyes . What a sweet , sweet movie , based on the true story of Hachiko , a dog from Japan . Cara has her own blog now , if you care to follow her adventures in ' the land of the morning calm ' . Oh . My . Gosh . A couple with five kids came in the store today . It was crazy . They walked around the store screaming their heads off . Twirling the Leaning Tree card rack , snatching the sparkly cards from the rack to clutch to their chests and wrinkle . They were grabbing the baby ducks and the baby chicks by their necks until Bob made them stop . They fought with each other , they screamed at their parents , their parents screamed at them . They wanted toys . Over and over , the tattooed mother said , " When we leave . We 're not done yet . When we 're ready to go . " The youngest threw a full scale temper tantrum . They began to go in and out of the dressing rooms slamming the doors on each other . " Don 't take the cards out of the rack please , " I said . " Put down the ducklings right now , " Bob said . The parents just roamed about the store obliviously . I think they liked the attention their brood was attracting . A volatile little red haired girl began screaming for what seemed like the 100th time , and a customer said , " That 's awful . " " I 'll say , " I replied , " but I 'm telling you , these are not horrible kids , these are horrible , horrible parents . " The customer agreed quickly . " How long have they been here ? " another customer asked . " Over an hour , " I said . And our banshees screamed up and down the aisles , fighting nonstop . When they left , Mom and ' Steve ' got black cowboy hats . The kids did not get the toys that they were promised repeatedly . There was more screaming at the register . The oldest girl fixed her mother with a look and said sternly : " You just wasted $ 40 whole dollars ! " We got a new shipment of chicks in today . Much to my horror , there was one chick that was being attacked by the others . Customer after customer reported it . I stopped inviting kids to go back to look at them , because a couple kids were upset by the sight . The chicks are under stress and it takes them about 24 hours to settle down , Dave explained . I thought of those aggressive stressed out chicks all night long . I decided that children and chicks are not all that dPosted by It never ceases to amaze me . Whenever I feel my confidence rising , well , right on the heels of that , there 's a dumb thing just waiting for me to do it . * sigh * Now , is that just me or are you all like that too ? ( Please say it 's not just me . Even if it is . Lie to me if necessary . ) I signed up for a meeting . My scheduler was in my book bag in another classroom . I did not immediately write it down . I made the mistake of waiting until after I got home from school to write it in . Yep . I wrote it down for the wrong day . Today , Nichole said , " I 'll see you tomorrow . " Me : * blank stare * " Why ? What 's happening tomorrow ? " You know , I 'm grateful today for my co - worker Karen who said , " Sure . I 'll come in for you . . . " On that bright note , off to work . Cara has been in Korea for five days now . I think . The international date line screws me up . She left her on our Sunday , got there on their Monday , and now it is their Friday . I fretted a little before she left about the saber rattling that was going on over there . Across the table , she said , " I 'll handle that . " With her best RA voice , she leaned forward and said , with intense and staring eyes , " So how do you think that made the rest of the world feel when you threatened to use nuclear weapons ? Hmmmmmm ? ? ? ? ? And have you learned something from this maybe ? How are you going to handle things next time ? Goooooood . . . . " It made me laugh . Taylor ( who is also an RA ) said , " I 've seen this play out in person . Really , it 's very , very intimidating , " and she shivered a little . Kim Jong Il handed over power to his son for a reason , I guess . He heard Cara was coming . Her hair is not as tall as his , and she 's not much for high heeled shoes , so I imagine he has the height advantage , and he may have nuclear weapons , but she 's got an RA voice , and heavens ! the girl certainly knows how to deploy it . Thinking it over , I 'll put my money on Cara . There have been no international incidents as of this writing . I got a cheerful little e - mail from Cara . Her stomach has been giving her fits since she 's been there , so I asked how it was going . On her latest adventure out , she found Maxwell House coffee and ham and egg salad sandwiches . For the first time since her arrival , she was able to celebrate with her traditional ' coma of food ' . She found the proper adapters for her computer and is now on the internet ( which makes me feel much better . . . ) . She found shampoo and conditioner that smells good and is looking for a good facewash . Classes begin on Monday , so she 's still got the weekend . She closes with ' things are looking up , as they often do when one 's life is suddenly enriched by coffee products and sandwiches . ' She cracks me up . You know that story about the boiling frog ? I think I was a little like that frog . Looking back at my own words , it was clear to see that I began having pain within weeks of beginning the tamoxifen , the maintenance drug for premenopausal women with estrogen receptive breast cancer . Tamoxifen is supposed to be taken for five years , but the pain became more and more of an issue . Since it was not constant , at least initially , I tended to ignore it , to push on through and keep going . I have a high threshold of pain , and I always felt this was a good thing . It got more and more severe , but like that frog , I simply endured the changes . I really didn 't feel that I had a choice , I guess . I don 't want to sit through a repeat of cancer , and Tamoxifen seemed to be what you do . So I did it . At least for a year and ten months , I did it . This winter , when it began to get cold once again , things got very , very worse . So much so that my sleep was disrupted . Debbys , short sleeped , are not very high functioning critters . Keeping up with anything became a struggle . I was getting discouraged . Worst of all , the more tired I got , the more unable I was to ignore the pain , which had moved from my legs , into my hips . From my hips , it began to badly affect my back and neck . I knew that I had a problem one memorable night . After a day of classes and four hours of work , I came home , my neck so stiff that I could not turn my head . When the oncologist asked , " Have you ever thought of stopping tamoxifen ? " I could have answered ' Yes . Every single morning when I take it . . . ' I didn 't . I didn 't want to sound like a smart aleck , but it 's the truth really . I thought about not taking tamoxifen every day , and every day I thought , ' But gees . I don 't want cancer again . . . ' and I took that pill . This time though , hearing the question from her mouth instead of my own thoughts , my reply to her was not the same reply I 'd been giving to myself . This time , I looked across the room , and I said , simply , ' Yes . ' When she said , " We could give it a try , just for a couPosted by Who 's currently getting an A in Anatomy and Physiology ? ( hint : it 's me . I am ! ) Lest I get too big headed , who forgot her lab manual this morning , with the all important lab handouts , the lab handouts that we are being tested on today ? ( hint : it 's me . I did ! ) Who could blow that average on today 's test ? ( hint : dammit . Me again ! I could ! ) * sigh * Back to the studying . . . Cara has arrived in Korea safely . Her suitcases ' exploded ' . Funny , since she joked the night before she left that she was actually afraid this might happen . KAL taped them all closed , and so she was able to get all that stuff she could not live without to where she will be living for a semester . She loves her little room with its own bath . ( The shower head is directly above the toilet . . . ) She is a little upset that she can 't plug her computer in , and that she cannot hook up to the wifi there , but she found public computers and she was able to send word home . She was , after a day of traveling very glad to get off the plane . She was met in Daegu , and taken to her room where it sounds like she face planted on her bed for some time . She has found food , and she has found computers . People are very nice , she says , but they don 't speak English . She 's there to teach English , so really , that 's pretty handy , don 't you think ? Yesterday we had a warm up , which brought with it flooding . I was late to school for the second day in a row . Traffic was stopped as heavy equipment tried to clean the ditches and redirect the water that had flooded the road . As I came off the hill , I saw that the little town was flooded too . I got myself to school . Friday I was late because of the snow . Monday I was late because of the flooding ( nothing compared to the recent flooding in Australia , I know . ) At least my excuses are creative , hey ? ) I was embarrassed to leave early , but I had a dentist appointment . By then , a number of roads had been completely closed . I dumbed around the detours and finally got back to Pennsylvania too late for my appointment , which made me upset . . . they rescheduled my cleaning to JUNE now . Oy . We have chicks at the Tractor Supply . Live bunnies too . Tim says no . Interesting thing . Three women talking . They are very well dressed , and made up , and bejewelled . They are blocking the entrance to the restaurant . They are talking earnestly between themselves . We wait for them to move , but they do not . Our hostess is waiting on thePosted by I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal . |
You know our new house ? Under all that snow , there is a garden with flowers , and a stone border . I was thrilled to see there also was little pathway that follows the garden under the trees . I find myself daydreaming about what other secrets wait to be discovered . I have worked at the store every day of spring break . It 's been crazy . Someone had been hired , quit , and then asked to come back , and then changed her mind after the new schedules for the next two weeks were posted . It has been this mad scramble to fill her shifts . I try to help out during the crunch times , but I was very much looking forward to finally having these two days off . Jeremy called from the store to ask if I would mind working . I waffled . I felt guilty as heck , but finally told him no , that I couldn 't . I needed to work on these assignments . I did too . I spent over ten hours today , working on projects . Good news ? I knocked two more major projects out . Bad news ? I 'm not done yet . It 's midnight . I 'm headed for bed . Posted by It 's snowing like crazy here . Like so hard that I was not sure that I was going to make it home from work . I did though . Spun my way right up the hill . Honest to pete , I am heartily SICK of winter . Ok . I 'm done whining . ( That 's whinging in ' Strine . ) Sorry . Not posting a lot . I 'm on spring break , dontcha know . When you 're old , spring break is not a party , though . That 's what I noticed . I had a nice weekend , but really . . . . . . I have spent most of my spring break at the computer , consulting books , knocking out assignments , thinking , organizing , researching . Stuff like that . I 've gotten a lot done . Alas , there is still much to do . I picked up some extra hours at the store , so yeah , I been working too . I meant to get caught up on housework . I did . A little . I waxed floors . darn lucky only Tim and I see our bedroom though . Today , I 'm going up to Mary 's to play scrabble . Man . Oooooh . The excitement of it all . This is why I haven 't been blogging . Little William came for a visit . I remembered that I had a camera just as he was headed out the door with his parents . I 'm the worst grandmother ever . I got totally distracted by the charming experience of holding him . There 's something that is very hypnotic about holding a tiny lump of a baby in the crook of your arm and watching him make little sound asleep baby noises and tiny little baby twitches . Next thing I know Buddy and Brianna are heading home and the trance wears off and all of a sudden I 'm gasping , " Oh , Cuuuuuuuu - rap ! I forgot to take pictures ! " Little William rolls his eyes impatiently at his grandma . " Ay yi yi , " he says . " When are you ever going to get the hang of this grandma thing ? " I hang my head a little . " Sorry William . You deserve better . " He says , " I sure do , grandma . " He begins to ponder the wording for his advertisement in the paper . " Grandma wanted , " it will begin . Dylan and Brittani were in for the weekend . Brittani wanted me to teach her how to make pepperoni rolls . It was a nice morning , the two of us working side by side kneading dough , talking and getting to know each other . She is really a very nice girl . Once again , I forgot to take pictures . But we had piping hot pepperoni rolls , straight from the oven . And cinnamon rolls , soft and warm and drizzled in cinnamon icing . That should count for something . I left for work right after that , and when I got home , I mixed up another batch of dough to make my own husband a batch of cinnamon rolls . I 'd sent the first batch home with Dylan and Brittani . So once again , I kneaded dough and we talked about our grown children and our growing family . We 're very lucky . Posted by This story actually started last night , just about the time we closed . A young girl that I knew from when I worked for the Conservation District came in and she was beside herself . She had lost her dog , Lily , a blue heeler , and she was hopeful that we might have heard a customer talking about a found dog . " No , " I said , " but here 's a piece of paper and a pen . Make up a notice and put in on the public bulletin board in the back of the store . " She did , and they left , and I felt badly for her , because she surely was broken up about that dog . I came into work tonight , and on my way back to clock in , I saw that she 'd been back in , and she 'd posted a picture of the dog , along with information on where to call . She had a bunch of those little tabs at the bottom to tear off with her phone number on . A man was studying the picture . I said , " I sure hope someone finds that dog , because her owner is taking it hard . " The man said , in a musing way , " I hope I 'm wrong , but there 's a dead dog lying along side my road that looks a lot like that dog . " I winced and hoped with all my heart that he was wrong too . Fast forward . A regular customer comes in , and he is jubilant . I hear him talking to Mark about a found dog . Being a nosy nellie , I shot right back there . " Is it Lily ? " I asked . " Are you talking about Lily ? " and he said , " Yes , I am ! " And we all had a little ' yesssssssssssssssssss ! ! ! ' moment right there in the middle of the store . Here 's the story . The girl is a farrier . A young girl , but really , salt of the earth . She trains this man 's horses , and was at his house working with his horses . The dog was in the van , and managed to get herself out of a partially opened window . The customer said , " Well , I came home , and I saw a dog running , but I figured the neighbors had gotten a new dog . " It was not until his horse trainer realized that her dog was gone that he realized that he 'd seen it . " Gees , that dog was headed out of here and down the road about 20 minutes ago , " he told the girl , and she was upset , and he felt terrible . He continPosted by It 's snowing still . We had about 5 or 6 inches on the last day of school . For the last two days , it has been lightly snowing . It is gray and dreary out there this morning , but two days ago , I was digging in the dirt , digging up crocuses to go with my tulips and daffodils . On my dining room table it is spring . That , and the memory of the smell of the good rich earth , those two things will get me through to days when , finally , I am warm again . I read a thing on Zsa Zsa Gabor being admitted to the hospital from the stress of her friend Elizabeth Taylor 's passing . At 95 , she is fearful of being next . Her publicist said , " She isn 't going to be next . She 's a strong woman , a fighter . " I 've been thinking on that . I wonder about their world , a world that does not acknowledge that death comes for all of us , and that none of us know when . I wonder about people who believe that they can simply fight off death , simply choose not to die . I wonder about a woman being paid to make pronouncements of who will go first and when . I wonder if this elderly lady is comforted by those empty words . What a foolish and artificial world these people live in ! Mostly though , I find myself wondering once again , when it will stop snowing . In the depths of winter , I learned that within me there lie an invincible spring ~ Camas In just 10 hours , I will begin spring break . Dylan and Brittani are coming in Friday night for the weekend . Brittani wants me to teach her how to make pepperoni rolls . Of course I said yes . And I was very touched . Dylan has yet to meet little William , so that 's what this is all about . Brianna and Buddy and William will come over for supper Saturday evening . I 'm excited about that , too . At some point , I will go to Mary 's house to play scrabble . I 'm looking forward to relaxing with my friend . I 've got a hundred little errands planned . Housework to be done . Cooking for Tim . Raking the leaves up at our new house . Planting an asparagus bed there , and some blueberry bushes . I 've got a lot planned for my 10 days off . I 'm sure it 's going to fly by . I 'm really running out of steam here . Probably because I know that spring break begins the day after tomorrow . Today , I just have one class . I do not have my three hour lab this afternoon . This means I 'll be on my way back home by 10 . This is a good thing . I have three OT interventions to plan for the following day . The first one is planned already . It is for preschoolers . My partner and I very quickly split it up . She 's a craft master , one of those people with baskets of crafting supplies at home . This impresses the heck out of me . After my traumatic experience with a glue gun , I just . lost . interest . in crafts . Our letter for the day is ' W ' , and the activity for the day is measuring . So we settled on inch worms and her craft is to make a little worm , complete with googly eyes ( fine motor skills ) . I am in charge of ' circle time ' . I have " Inch by Inch " a story about an inch worm who measures . Then I have a lime green basket full of things ( three china cups , three balls , empty pop bottles , rope , etc . ) that we will compare . What is big ? Small ? Short ? Long ? Light ? Heavy ? Stuff like this is my cup of tea , and my partner and I work very well together . I think we put together a very good project . The second two are for mentally ill adults . The first one is a group project . That project came together very quickly , even though two of the four group members are very difficult to work with . One has not shown up to one meeting . Even though he apologizes very prettily , he does not answer texts , he simply does not show up . I am working with ' young girl ' again , and again , she took the written portion of everything , upset that it was not done to her satisfaction , and rewrote the whole thing allowing no one to have input to that but herself , and then waxes dramatic about ' the four hours ' that she put into this project . This is a recurring theme for her . Her partner in the last project finally said , after she had rewritten things repeatedly , " That 's enough ! " He was making an exhibit to go along with it . She wanted changes made to goPosted by I am really proud of myself this weekend . I typed up one case map ( which took two hours alone ) , I finished my part of two group projects , I completed one homework assignment and two hand outs , and have completed as much as possible of a reflection paper . Is there more to do ? Oh yes . Oh , golly yes . But each and every time that I ' knock ' something out , move it from my red ( undone ) folder to my lime green ( hallelujah it 's done ! ) folder , I feel like I have accomplished something major . One step at a time , I 'm getting there . And now , I 'm going to bed , but I just had to take a moment to be joyful . Late edit : You know , I also forgot to say that I got my washing and ironing and folding all done ( and there was a ton of it . ) I made a pot of spaghetti sauce , I watched a movie with my husband ( while ironing , but still ) , had a conversation with Cara , worked Saturday , went to church on Sunday , and wrote an overdue letter . I think that I have super powers . We were getting ready to go to bed . Of course , we were talking about the new house . I said to Tim , " I know that it 's stupid , but I never expected to love that house . I really LOVE that house . " He laughed , and said , a bit embarrassed , " No . Last night at work on break , I went to the computer just to bring up the realtor 's pictures . I just wanted to look at it again . " When we went to bed , we lay side by side in the dark , talking . Dreaming long before our eyes ever closed . So , it 's not just me . Tim feels it too . We don 't have television , but still the pictures from Japan make their way to me . There is no escaping them . The face of an elderly Japanese man haunts me . I want to go there , and find him and make him safe , and comfortable , and fed . Everyone that I know has at least one picture caught in their mind , an image that is seared into our horrified brains . Everyone wants to do something . It 's not just me . The moon is huge tonight . Just huge . Wrapped up in my blue bathrobe , I watch it from the window . The neighbor 's dog barks and barks and barks . How on earth do you let a dog out and then not wait for him to come back in ? I sit wide awake , watching the moon . It 's not just me awake and watching . I 've got company . That dog just keeps on barking . I saw the house today for the first time , when we went to meet the realtor , put down our ' earnest ' money , and sign the paperwork . It has a portico at the side door and you step into a entrance way . The staircase is to your left . If you go straight back you find a remodeled bathroom , a huge room with a beautiful clawfoot tub . There is one bedroom on the first floor , right next to the bathroom . The kitchen is a large eat in kitchen with Corrian counter tops . It is to the left as you stand in the entrance way . To your right is a set of french doors which lead into a livingroom . If you open the french doors on the other side , there is a small library with a fireplace and glass fronted book cases . There is also a small room with a ceramic tile floor that would be an awfully nice room for exercise equipment . Except for the kitchen , the downstairs is hardwood floor which we will refinish . Upstairs there are three more bedrooms , plus a large room with ( believe it or not ) a little kitchenette . It would make a nice office / study . It is bright and you could make yourself a cup of tea or coffee while you study . It would be nice to have a small dorm refrigerator there . There is also a large bathroom ( also remodeled ) on the second floor . On the third floor there are two more bedrooms . Interestingly enough , the place has all sorts of interesting nooks and cubbies and tiny little rooms that are too big for closets but too small for bedrooms . The second and third floors are carpeted in berber carpet . It is very dirty . As Tim and the realtor talked downstairs , I roamed through this house and I was delighted . I could see us in this house . I could see our things in this house . I was thrilled with this house . I came downstairs and Tim said , " So what do you think ? " He was afraid that I 'd be turned off by all the dirt . I looked at him and said , " I love this . I really love this house . " And he was pleased . We 've never had a house that was just ours . We moved into his house . He put a second floor on it , and it was nice , but really , it was not Posted by It 's been a bit of a hard time around here . We love our children , but sometimes , lines need to be drawn . We want to save them , but we can 't . The biggest gift we can give them is stepping back and allowing them to figure out that they can save themselves . However that ' gift ' is never appreciated at the time . So it has been a sad time and a grieving time for me . School has been hectic . Another group project . I am currently involved in three of them . Two of them are going well , actually . The third ? Gah ! Meetings are set up , no one shows , I do lots of typing . Someone else redoes all the typing . Lots of work being done that I didn 't have to do . I 've got a bucket load of assignments with varying due dates . I just try to knock them out . My A in Anatomy and Physiology is now a B . Tim put a bid in on a house ( sorry , I guess you have to click on the first house , the green one ) yesterday . He low - balled it . We figured that if they took it , they took it . If they didn 't , no harm , no foul . ( It has not been lived in for a couple of years ) . Today that bid was accepted . It 's a three story , six bedroom house . Hardwood floor , fireplace . Glass fronted book cases on each side of that fireplace . It will be beautiful , but it needs some serious cleaning up . No structural deficiencies on this one - good news - but it does need to have the heating system replaced . It has a garage out back . It looks as if someone began to rehab the place and then , for whatever reason , simply stopped . Interestingly enough , it 's on the same street as the rental houses , dead center between the two of them . Cara said , " Are you guys playing Monopoly ? " This will be my summer project , since cleaning and refinishing hardwood floors is something that I can definately do all by myself . Tim will finish the final rental apartment . I 'm looking forward to it . Today is Hinckley Buzzard Day ! I saw turkey vultures last week along the west side of Rt 62 on the way to school . I 'd forgotten that they were migratory until Karen at work began to discuss it . I find myself wondering about why it is the robin picked to represent spring ? It could have just as easily be a big old vulture with a big strip of road kill hanging from its beak . Must be that the robin had better PR . I don 't know . Anyway , today is Hinckley Buzzard Day ! Everyone celebrate with a heaping helping of carrion . Yesterday , at the Tractor Supply , a couple little girls came in with their grandfather to see the chicks . The ducklings are gone . We still got bunnies , though . So people bring their kids in to see them , and really , the darn things are soooooooo cute . Fun to watch , and the peeping of the chicks just makes me think of spring . Even though I can look out the front door of the store and watch it snowing . But that 's another whine for another day . So these two little girls came up to the counter with their grandfather to check out . I asked them what they thought of the chicks and weren 't they cute ? etc . etc . etc . And excitedly they chattered about chicks , and how they wanted one , and grandpa smiled indulgently , but told them no . I said , to smooth it all over , " All I want is two chickens , but I 'm not allowed either . " The littlest girl , about five years old said , " Why can 't you have them ? " very interestedly . I looked down at her . " Well , my husband told me no . " ( He did too . He 's afraid they will bring coyotes into the yard , or that our neighbor 's dog will get them , and there will be problems . Best just not to even open that door , in his opinion . . . just buy the eggs at the grocery store . . . ) So I looked down at this little girl , just the cutest thing , and I told her , " Well , my husband said no , " and that little pippersqueak leaned forward and said , " You know , you don 't have to do what they say . . . " as if she was imparting great wisdom to me . And grandpa and I burst out laughing . Later , as the three of them were walking out the door , the littlest one got side tracked by the Schleich horses . She wanted one in the worst way . Grandpa said , " Well , we 'd better go ask grandma . See what she thinks about this . " I walked past them , and the littlest one said , " We 're going to ask my nana if I can have this black horse ! " very excitedly . And grandpa took their hands and they headed for the door . Grandpa said , " I have to listen to grandma . I know better . " I went back to building the decorative display windmills , and I chuckled to myself at that Posted by On the way over to Korea , Cara 's brand new luggage was damaged . Those suitcases were packed chock full and did not survive the indignity of airport handling . Once she hit the ground in Daegu , her first days there were spent up to her armpits in paperwork to justify her stay . Finally , she had time to turn her attentions to the matter of her luggage and discovered that she was too late to file her claim . But Caras will have their satisfaction , and so she crafted a letter . Cara 's letters are a thing to behold , truly . You should see her letter of resignation from Tim Horton 's . After very prettily thanking them for hiring her , and for the opportunity to work with them , she states : " In recent days it has become clear that the food industry is not in keeping with the altruistic pursuits of my youth and as such is best to be abandoned at this time . " She goes on to apologize for any inconvenience her two week notice might cause and she states that she will continue to be a reliable worker to the end and will be happy to train her replacement . Well . As I said , Cara crafted a letter to the airlines . To the Poor Soul Who Reads the Bitchy Emails and to the Airline that Causes People to Bitch , Greetings , I am writing to you from Daegu , South Korea where I have just recently landed . I am doing well , thank you for asking . My luggage , not so much . When I arrived in Chicago I was given the wonderful news that while I made it over in one piece , my luggage was not so lucky . There was a rather large hole , exposing my cardigans ( for the world to see , I might add ) in my brand new , very pretty suitcase . How could such a travesty happen , I ask myself ? It seems odd to think that an hour long flight might massacre my luggage in such a way , especially when I had such a fantastic baggage check clerk who was apparently preparing to be a quarterback . ( By that , I mean that she heaved my luggage onto the conveyor belt ) . I understand that you have a " blink twice and you miss your chance to file a baggage claim " policy , however I wanted to give you anPosted by Yesterday , I got up and man , I was a tired puppy . I had not gone to bed until after midnight , and I was having trouble getting myself going . I lay in bed and silently whimpered to myself about being tired , but then finally I got myself up and going . I wanted to get to class early . It was our teacher 's birthday . Someone was bringing cupcakes . We had all decided to wrap our homework papers on Therapeutic Groups , and I was bringing wrapping paper . I said to myself , " Self , you 'll have to skip your coffee this morning . Just grab a cup on the way in , " and so I got ready and headed out . Driving to school , I recognized a car . It was a couple of young kids that I 'd seen on campus . I watched them turn up a side road , and once again , I thought to myself , " Self , you are getting to school early , and this is an opportunity to find a new way to school . " And so I also turned left and followed their car . I was right . It was a twisty road , up a hill , unlikely to be affected by flooding ever . However , it was covered with drifting snow . I drove along slowly and carefully . I lost track of my friends . Finally , however , I got to the intersection , turned left once again . . . and then realized that the road I was on was not the road I thought it was . There was a moment of panic ( after all , I had the wrapping paper ) but then I took a deep breath and scanned my surroundings from the hillside , figured out where I was in relationship to where I needed to be , and got myself there . " Better not stop for coffee , " I thought . And I made the supreme sacrifice : I drove past the convenience store . " I 'll get my coffee on first break . " First break came , and one of the kids that I am coleading a group with came over to discuss our project ( we are presenting a simulation of what it is like for a kid to be sensorily defensive ) . We 've all been so busy that we just don 't have time to meet . So we had a little meeting right there . Class was over at noon , and I hightailed it out of there to get home and make lunch for Tim before he left for his second shift job . Two dPosted by It 's been raining like crazy here , just miserable weather . I 'd signed up to do a fundraiser for the Blind Association called ' Dining in the Dark ' . I thought that it was going to be in Jamestown . Instead I found out that it was in Mayville , about an hour from here . Gosh . What a drive ! The shoulders have washed away from the road in some places leaving great trenches . There are some horrible potholes . Water washing across the roads in some places . But I got there , and I was glad to be there . The premise behind the event is that people come in and are blindfolded . They eat their meal ' blind ' . I worried that my table would be a quiet one and I would find myself struggling to keep the conversation going , but no need to fret . It was a cheerful group , and everyone was wonderful . I was their sighted guide , and so I explained to them that , for instance , to keep your hands low to the table while reaching for your water glass , since it was stemmed , and could be knocked over . I explained about their meat being at 6 o ' clock and gave helpful advice like , " Your plate is empty now . . . you can quit looking for food . " When it was done , I headed back home . By then it was awful . You couldn 't tell whether you were approaching one inch of water or six inches . I drove pretty slowly . The pot holes were hidden by the water and darkness , and at one point , I hit one of them so hard that I was sure that I had to have broken something on the car . However , I did not , and made it home safely . The Conewango creek gets higher and higher . Tim picked up a washer and dryer today . He drove it to one of the houses downtown , one that is right on that river . It has probably a 14 - 16 foot embankment from the deck to the river . The basement door is under the deck . This house has no back yard . It 's just pretty much a straight drop to the creek . Tim backed right up to the edge of that yard to move the washer and dryer into the basement . It made me just sick to think of it , that the saturated earth could have given way . The mental picture of our big truck slidingPosted by Mrs . Spit had a blog post that sat me back in my chair . Do you suppose the guy embarrassed himself ? I hope so . It 's even worse to think that he did not even understand that it was a faux pas . Cara was telling that the international building is very noisy at night . She thinks the fact that everyone speaks a different language makes them speak louder to make themselves understood . ( It is not just an American trait . . . . ) At midnight , she was awakened yet again . Going into full RA mode while still not awake enough to realize that she was not an RA in Korea , she leapt from her bed and threw open her door , and with her best RA look , stared them all down . They looked back in ( now ) silent amazement , as the realization finally broke through the fog of Cara 's mind ( " . . . wait . . . I 'm not in charge here . . . . " ) I laughed at the picture her words made . " What happened ? " I asked . Cara said , " Well . My ' RA look ' ? Turns out that it an international super power . " In response to that glare , the people at her door immediately slunk off and it was quiet for the rest of the night . She said , " I e - mailed my old boss . I told him I was documenting some people in Korea and would send him the paperwork . " She 's a hoot . Know what I love ? Yesterday , I was slipping and sliding across a parking lot to get to school . Yesterday afternoon , walking across that self same parking lot to get back to my car after a long , long day ( 3 hour lab practical for A and P ) , there was no ice . It had melted off during the course of the day . Spring ! Spring is coming ! The amazing Bush Babe and Mr . I are packing up in Houston and heading back to LA . If you have not been following along with their adventures , you need to get over to their blog and start reading . They 've had quite a trip while here . There was NYC and Mamma Mia and cheesecake and Starbucks and the Statue of Liberty and snow and winter coats and Macy 's and then there was Houston and rodeos and Tim McGraw and mutton wrangling and cowboy boot shopping and then there was Oklahoma and Ree 's lodge and cooking for Ree . And they 're not even done yet . I love this adventure , and it is great fun to follow along . I 'm starting to realize one thing . When you approach life eagerly with an open heart , life responds open heartedly right back . These are great , great people , and I 've no doubt that they 're leaving a trail of admirers behind in their travels . Violet confided to Cara in NYC that she desperately wanted to see a squirrel . Cara was amused at that and they talked about it . Violet asked about their size . Cara allowed as some of them get pretty big . Violet got very wide - eyed . " As big as me ? " she asked . And it made Cara laugh in delight . Dash was picking out a toy in FAO Swartz . And he is a very careful boy . He doesn 't decide anything in the blink of an eye . He pondered , picking one transformer after another . He certainly did not want a Decepticon . It was all Greek to me , I 'm afraid . My own experience with super heros ended with Dylan 's love of the Power Rangers . In any case , he finally chose his toy . At the end of the night , my Dylan said to Dash , " So , are you pretty sure you got the right toy ? " and immediately , Dash 's little eyes got thoughtful and his finger went to his lips . " Don 't you dare , Dylan ! ! ! " I said , and I pushed him on . We had so little time to sit and talk , and I spent most of the afternoon being amazed that they were here , and that I was with them , but I do have to tell you that Bush Babe and Mr . I are just plainly , good , good people . Probably the thing that most defined Mr . I was this exchange : We were speaking aPosted by Know what scares me ? It scares me when you are part of a group , and someone in that group makes a decision that something is wrong . Wrong . Maybe even evil . He begins to push his viewpoint , and the driving force of his argument is simply , " Well , this is the way that all good group members would see it . " The implication being , of course , that if you don 't see it the same way that he does , well , you , my friend , are obviously not a good group member . Since you are not a good group member , well , by golly , you are not important to the group , and perhaps you just need to go and find your own group someplace else . I don 't understand that a group has to be in lockstep in their thinking , and setting aside my own beliefs just to be a good group member is intolerable to me . I find myself thinking nervously , perhaps that IS the thing to do , because this group is part of my identity , even as I know that I have principles , that they are hard won , much prayed over , and that those principles are also a part of my identity . Tim and I talked about this yesterday . I 'd been keeping it to myself because he is part of this group too . He listened . He read the offensive document . He pondered it for some time . He came out into the kitchen where I was making omelets for supper , and he talked . I listened . Somewhere along the line , I realized that although this group is a big part of who I am , it is not all that I am . I am Debby , I am the wife of a good man , the mother of good children , the grandmother of William . I am a student , and a reader , and a friend , and a funny woman . The list goes on and on . The group is a big part of who I am , however it is not all that I am . Leaving it would not be the end of my world . Last night , going to bed , I was discouraged . My whole body ached , and I worried a little about that . The bone pain had gone , but now it was back ? So I went to bed , and I was discouraged . I woke up this morning with a lousy headache and I understood . That flu that had been going around our classroom ? I got it . Big Anatomy and Physiology Lab Practical on Tuesday . I guess that I should have begun studying earlier . Now I am trying to study while sick . I worked today . At 11 , though , Karen came in to cover for me while I took care of the meeting that I 'd managed to write in . . . on the wrong darn day . When I returned , an hour earlier than I expected , I had a bouquet of flowers for her , a yellow batch of sunshine . On her way out the door , she called back , " I 'll work for you anytime . Especially if there are flowers involved ! " So I got back to work . Some people came in with their dog , a thin dog with a reddish coat . He had a muzzle . I said , " Am I allowed to pet your dog ? " and they said yes , but explained that they 'd only had him a couple weeks , that he 'd spent most of his life in a shelter , that he 'd been exposed to so little that he was exceedingly shy . I reached my hand out and spoke softly , and he looked square at my face , curiously . And then he stepped forward . I petted him and told him what a sweet baby he was . He rubbed into my hand , and then amazingly , he came to me and leaned against my leg as I petted him some more . His owners were shocked . He had never responded to anyone like that before , except for his new ' mama ' . As for me , I had tears in my eyes . I 'd forgotten what it was like to have that ' ken ' with a dog , and I missed my Buck something awful . After work , Tim and I went grocery shopping , and then picked up a video . We saw one called ' Hachi ' with Richard Gere . We both enjoy Richard Gere , so we made that our pick of the night . I cried . Even Tim had tears in his eyes . What a sweet , sweet movie , based on the true story of Hachiko , a dog from Japan . Cara has her own blog now , if you care to follow her adventures in ' the land of the morning calm ' . Oh . My . Gosh . A couple with five kids came in the store today . It was crazy . They walked around the store screaming their heads off . Twirling the Leaning Tree card rack , snatching the sparkly cards from the rack to clutch to their chests and wrinkle . They were grabbing the baby ducks and the baby chicks by their necks until Bob made them stop . They fought with each other , they screamed at their parents , their parents screamed at them . They wanted toys . Over and over , the tattooed mother said , " When we leave . We 're not done yet . When we 're ready to go . " The youngest threw a full scale temper tantrum . They began to go in and out of the dressing rooms slamming the doors on each other . " Don 't take the cards out of the rack please , " I said . " Put down the ducklings right now , " Bob said . The parents just roamed about the store obliviously . I think they liked the attention their brood was attracting . A volatile little red haired girl began screaming for what seemed like the 100th time , and a customer said , " That 's awful . " " I 'll say , " I replied , " but I 'm telling you , these are not horrible kids , these are horrible , horrible parents . " The customer agreed quickly . " How long have they been here ? " another customer asked . " Over an hour , " I said . And our banshees screamed up and down the aisles , fighting nonstop . When they left , Mom and ' Steve ' got black cowboy hats . The kids did not get the toys that they were promised repeatedly . There was more screaming at the register . The oldest girl fixed her mother with a look and said sternly : " You just wasted $ 40 whole dollars ! " We got a new shipment of chicks in today . Much to my horror , there was one chick that was being attacked by the others . Customer after customer reported it . I stopped inviting kids to go back to look at them , because a couple kids were upset by the sight . The chicks are under stress and it takes them about 24 hours to settle down , Dave explained . I thought of those aggressive stressed out chicks all night long . I decided that children and chicks are not all that dPosted by It never ceases to amaze me . Whenever I feel my confidence rising , well , right on the heels of that , there 's a dumb thing just waiting for me to do it . * sigh * Now , is that just me or are you all like that too ? ( Please say it 's not just me . Even if it is . Lie to me if necessary . ) I signed up for a meeting . My scheduler was in my book bag in another classroom . I did not immediately write it down . I made the mistake of waiting until after I got home from school to write it in . Yep . I wrote it down for the wrong day . Today , Nichole said , " I 'll see you tomorrow . " Me : * blank stare * " Why ? What 's happening tomorrow ? " You know , I 'm grateful today for my co - worker Karen who said , " Sure . I 'll come in for you . . . " On that bright note , off to work . Cara has been in Korea for five days now . I think . The international date line screws me up . She left her on our Sunday , got there on their Monday , and now it is their Friday . I fretted a little before she left about the saber rattling that was going on over there . Across the table , she said , " I 'll handle that . " With her best RA voice , she leaned forward and said , with intense and staring eyes , " So how do you think that made the rest of the world feel when you threatened to use nuclear weapons ? Hmmmmmm ? ? ? ? ? And have you learned something from this maybe ? How are you going to handle things next time ? Goooooood . . . . " It made me laugh . Taylor ( who is also an RA ) said , " I 've seen this play out in person . Really , it 's very , very intimidating , " and she shivered a little . Kim Jong Il handed over power to his son for a reason , I guess . He heard Cara was coming . Her hair is not as tall as his , and she 's not much for high heeled shoes , so I imagine he has the height advantage , and he may have nuclear weapons , but she 's got an RA voice , and heavens ! the girl certainly knows how to deploy it . Thinking it over , I 'll put my money on Cara . There have been no international incidents as of this writing . I got a cheerful little e - mail from Cara . Her stomach has been giving her fits since she 's been there , so I asked how it was going . On her latest adventure out , she found Maxwell House coffee and ham and egg salad sandwiches . For the first time since her arrival , she was able to celebrate with her traditional ' coma of food ' . She found the proper adapters for her computer and is now on the internet ( which makes me feel much better . . . ) . She found shampoo and conditioner that smells good and is looking for a good facewash . Classes begin on Monday , so she 's still got the weekend . She closes with ' things are looking up , as they often do when one 's life is suddenly enriched by coffee products and sandwiches . ' She cracks me up . You know that story about the boiling frog ? I think I was a little like that frog . Looking back at my own words , it was clear to see that I began having pain within weeks of beginning the tamoxifen , the maintenance drug for premenopausal women with estrogen receptive breast cancer . Tamoxifen is supposed to be taken for five years , but the pain became more and more of an issue . Since it was not constant , at least initially , I tended to ignore it , to push on through and keep going . I have a high threshold of pain , and I always felt this was a good thing . It got more and more severe , but like that frog , I simply endured the changes . I really didn 't feel that I had a choice , I guess . I don 't want to sit through a repeat of cancer , and Tamoxifen seemed to be what you do . So I did it . At least for a year and ten months , I did it . This winter , when it began to get cold once again , things got very , very worse . So much so that my sleep was disrupted . Debbys , short sleeped , are not very high functioning critters . Keeping up with anything became a struggle . I was getting discouraged . Worst of all , the more tired I got , the more unable I was to ignore the pain , which had moved from my legs , into my hips . From my hips , it began to badly affect my back and neck . I knew that I had a problem one memorable night . After a day of classes and four hours of work , I came home , my neck so stiff that I could not turn my head . When the oncologist asked , " Have you ever thought of stopping tamoxifen ? " I could have answered ' Yes . Every single morning when I take it . . . ' I didn 't . I didn 't want to sound like a smart aleck , but it 's the truth really . I thought about not taking tamoxifen every day , and every day I thought , ' But gees . I don 't want cancer again . . . ' and I took that pill . This time though , hearing the question from her mouth instead of my own thoughts , my reply to her was not the same reply I 'd been giving to myself . This time , I looked across the room , and I said , simply , ' Yes . ' When she said , " We could give it a try , just for a couPosted by Who 's currently getting an A in Anatomy and Physiology ? ( hint : it 's me . I am ! ) Lest I get too big headed , who forgot her lab manual this morning , with the all important lab handouts , the lab handouts that we are being tested on today ? ( hint : it 's me . I did ! ) Who could blow that average on today 's test ? ( hint : dammit . Me again ! I could ! ) * sigh * Back to the studying . . . Cara has arrived in Korea safely . Her suitcases ' exploded ' . Funny , since she joked the night before she left that she was actually afraid this might happen . KAL taped them all closed , and so she was able to get all that stuff she could not live without to where she will be living for a semester . She loves her little room with its own bath . ( The shower head is directly above the toilet . . . ) She is a little upset that she can 't plug her computer in , and that she cannot hook up to the wifi there , but she found public computers and she was able to send word home . She was , after a day of traveling very glad to get off the plane . She was met in Daegu , and taken to her room where it sounds like she face planted on her bed for some time . She has found food , and she has found computers . People are very nice , she says , but they don 't speak English . She 's there to teach English , so really , that 's pretty handy , don 't you think ? Yesterday we had a warm up , which brought with it flooding . I was late to school for the second day in a row . Traffic was stopped as heavy equipment tried to clean the ditches and redirect the water that had flooded the road . As I came off the hill , I saw that the little town was flooded too . I got myself to school . Friday I was late because of the snow . Monday I was late because of the flooding ( nothing compared to the recent flooding in Australia , I know . ) At least my excuses are creative , hey ? ) I was embarrassed to leave early , but I had a dentist appointment . By then , a number of roads had been completely closed . I dumbed around the detours and finally got back to Pennsylvania too late for my appointment , which made me upset . . . they rescheduled my cleaning to JUNE now . Oy . We have chicks at the Tractor Supply . Live bunnies too . Tim says no . Interesting thing . Three women talking . They are very well dressed , and made up , and bejewelled . They are blocking the entrance to the restaurant . They are talking earnestly between themselves . We wait for them to move , but they do not . Our hostess is waiting on thePosted by I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal . |
Tag : contractors At last , marmoleum ! Our laundry room in use . The marks in the vinyl won 't come out , and it looks dirty all the time . Our marmoleum is finally all in . The flooring guy came back on Monday to replace the subflooring and finish laying the marmoleum in the laundry room and half bath . Today , our regular contractors will be here to replace the baseboards . On Thursday , I can wash the new marmoleum and we can finally put back the washer and dryer . I guess I 'll be doing laundry this weekend . So , the pictures I have for this week are of the laundry room before and after . You can see how bad the vinyl looked before . It had black marks in it that wouldn 't come out , and it was worn and dirty looking . We 've also had a slight movement forward on the problem of cutting our slope . We have a steepish slope in back of our house from the basement floor down to the pond , with the wolf pen in the middle . It is important to keep it from getting overgrown , as it includes our septic field . I was trying to trim it with our weed whacker , working my way up from the bottom , but as soon as it got too steep , I had to stop . It can 't be cut with the mower until it is trimmed , and in any case , I have my doubts about getting a mower up that slope , although our tenant managed to keep it cut . In this picture , the foxgloves that you can see in the middle are actually almost five feet high , so that gives you an idea of how high the grass is . We have been looking for someone to cut it for several weeks now . Finally , a young guy called last week and said he would be out yesterday . He came , but our contractor had not conveyed to him the information that he needed to bring a brush cutter . We put him to work with our weed whacker , but because it hadn 't been charged up , he soon ran both batteries out of juice . My husband ran up to the hardware store to buy one , but they were sold out . Our yard guy said he could borrow a brush cutter from his uncle , so we had him cut our orchard with the riding mower , and then he went home . I had been working on the orchard with the weed whacker , too , and my husband had taken another swipe at it with the riding mower , but he still feels unsafe on the mower with the slope in the orchard . If you look very carefully at the edge of the wolf pen in the top part of the picture , you can see the small progress the lawn guy made with the weed whacker before the batteries ran out . He is coming today with his uncle 's brush cutter to finish the job . Unfortunately , he 's only a short - term solution , because he is moving away in a couple of weeks to go work in California . And that 's about it . We 've had lovely weather lately . It rained toward the end of last week and during the weekend , but we had a hot one on Monday , and then since then it 's been delightfully chilly at night and cool during the day while still nice and bright out . I would say , perfect weather . The good news for this week is that our asphalt is finished , and it looks really nice ! Everyone who has come up the driveway has commented about it . Our next door neighbors even asked the pavers to come over and give them an estimate while they were here . So , here is a picture of that . One more project finished ! Now on to other news . The flooring guys , as you may remember , wanted to install the marmoleum on the same day that the pavers were here , so we had to put them off . The guy arrived to do the flooring yesterday . The original plan was to lay the marmoleum on top of the existing vinyl , but when the flooring guy started working in the laundry room , he realized that the vinyl wasn 't securely fastened to the floor . You could just lift it up , basically . Even though it had been glued , it hadn 't been glued very well . He also said that he was not allowed to lay the marmoleum on top of the flooring that was underneath it . So , it turned out he was only able to do two of the four areas yesterday . Those were the small toilet area in the master bathroom and the closet . The laundry room and half bath are rescheduled for Monday , when he will come back out and lay a different floor . I had hoped to be able to show before and after pictures , and I still can , but unfortunately the rooms I took pictures of are not the rooms that are " finished . " By " finished , " I mean that we are still waiting for the toilet to be reinstalled and the baseboards put back . As you can see from the picture above , the old vinyl looks all worn and dirty even after it has been washed . The after picture here is of a different room , and the marmoleum hasn 't even been washed yet ( you can 't wash it for three days after it is laid ) , but you can see how much better it looks . Now , the carpet . Just to recap , we laid carpet in our basement in December and then we replaced the scary spiral staircase with a regular one in February . We went back and ordered the same carpet for the stairs and the landing in late February or early March . We have been waiting for it since then . Our ship date for the carpet was early May , and then it got changed to mid - May . In mid - May , I understood my husband to tell me that Lowe 's had called and told us the carpet was shipped . But by last week we still hadn 't heard back from them . I finally called them on Friday . Of course , they had no record of that last call , and my husband could have misunderstood what they said . Perhaps they called to report the new ship date not to report the carpet had been shipped . So , Lowe 's called the mill ( Lowe 's had apparently completely forgotten about our order ) . They called back to say that the mill is having trouble producing the carpet and is going to discontinue it . They say they 'll honor the back orders , and we have a new ship date of June 30 . But the flooring person from Lowe 's warned me that they had this happen once before , and the mill cancelled the order . I have a friend telling me the carpet probably won 't match anyway , but there isn 't so much as a threshold separating the old carpet from where the new carpet will be , so installing the same stuff seemed like my best bet . I am not sure what I 'll do if they call back and say we can 't get the carpet at all . I could try for the same texture and pull out one of the colors in the carpet ( which is a speckled mixture of beige and blue and some other colors ) , or I could install something completely different . Or I could put something else at the landing , maybe wood , and a different carpet coming down the stairs , so that the two carpets don 't meet . I hope they will at least give me a definite answer by the end of the month , either ship the carpet or cancel but don 't put me off again . Author whatmereadPosted on June 14 , 2017Categories renovationsTags asphalt , carpet , contractors , flooring , improvements , renovations , stairs2 Comments on One step forward , two back A work in progress The excitement around here this week is all centered around the driveway . Our pavers did show up on Monday . Up until Saturday , we just had a provisional start date from them . They had originally told us that they didn 't schedule very far out because of the weather . But they were here bright and early on Monday . This was a project that I was against when we first moved here . Our driveway is made of diamond - shaped bricks in two tracks , one for each wheel . I loved the rural look of it with the grass growing through the diamonds . However , during the winter , with all the rain and the trucks coming up and missing the tracks , it turned into a mud pit , and it still has ruts in it and bricks that are out of place . I had to admit that paving the driveway seemed to be a very practical idea . I meant to take a picture of it before the guys started , but I forgot , so my first picture is of the top of the driveway , when they hadn 't yet dug out the bricks . It doesn 't show the mess that the driveway had become , just the nice part of it , because they had already dug up the bricks in the messy part . It turns out the driveway bricks were held in position by rebar , sticking up straight out of the ground , which the pavers had to pull out of the driveway , piece by piece . They even put rebar in the side parking area ( which was where we found it first ) , which didn 't have the bricks but instead large chunks of brown gravel . Because the people who put in the parking area had first covered the grass with plastic , the parking area didn 't drain properly and got all churned up over the winter . We are paving that , too , as well as the lower drive . When we moved here , the movers had mixed success with getting down that drive . Now there shouldn 't be a problem . Here is the driveway with gravel on it . The arc of grass to the right is in front of our house . The area to the left is the bottom of our ridge . The guys are planning to finish today , but I took a picture of the driveway in mid - progress , with lovely gravel . I actually might have preferred a gravel driveway , but I know that my niece and her husband asphalted their driveway a year or so ago because every winter their gravel got washed down into the road . We probably would have had the same problem . Of course , just as I feared , the flooring guy was planning to lay the marmoleum tomorrow . That would mean that our contractors would have to be able to get in today to yank the sinks and toilets in the bathrooms . But of course , they can 't , and the asphalt is not supposed to be driven on for a day , so we had to reschedule . So far , I don 't know when that will be . Nor have I heard at all from the carpeting people . Once these guys get out of here and we have a date for the marmoleum , I guess I need to call the carpet guys . We have been waiting for the carpet to come in since February , and it was supposed to have arrived at the end of May . I am also still trying to find someone to whack down our back slope . Once we get it whacked down the first time , we should be able to maintain it with the push mower , or if we can find someone , we can just get them to whack it down several times over the summer . No luck so far , and pretty soon the grass is going to be over my head . I see some spears of foxglove growing in it , too . Very pretty . Our contractor came out late last week and removed his junk from our basement and outside the house . I would be working at putting away my books if I wasn 't waiting for my husband to fasten the bookcases to the wall first . He has promised to do it this week . I feel like everything I could do is on hold . This one job would allow us to move forward in a big way , but as I 've mentioned before , I have never figured out a way to motivate him to get something done . Right now , he has several projects in progress . The wolf pen is partway down . The parts for fastening the bookcases to the wall are there , but no work is done . The seat of our new outdoor dining chair that he broke by slamming his butt down into it is on the table with the glue sitting next to it . The table and the counter that he said he 'd clear off are halfway empty but are starting to accumulate junk ( all his ) again . He bought a blind to cover our bedroom sliding glass door but never even started putting it up ( good , because I don 't want it over the windows - it is too big ) . The shed thing that is in the space where my garden needs to go is still sitting there waiting to be taken down , and after that my above - ground garden boxes need to be made . ( My niece 's husband said he would do that , though , so it will get done . ) He cut the orchard grass once , and after the guys get their trucks out of the orchard , I suspect I 'll be the one cutting it from now on . That 's how life is around here . I am missing my bird book , because the birds around here are different from the ones we saw in Texas . At first , our bird feeder seemed to be attracting only chickadees ( and our hummingbird feeder hummingbirds , of course ) , but lately , I have managed to identify a couple of birds I 've never seen before , using the app whatbird . One of them is the Smith 's longspur , which is quite a pretty bird and loves the suet feeder . The other one looks like a black - capped or California or black - tailed gnatcatcher , but the range for all three of these birds is the southwestern United States . I am only a novice bird identifier , but I couldn 't find another bird that looked like these , with a black head , a gray body and light gray tummy . They are small birds , slightly bigger than the chickadees . Author whatmereadPosted on June 7 , 2017Categories renovationsTags asphalt , carpet , contractors , flooring , improvements , landscaping , rural life , stairs , wildlifeLeave a comment on A work in progress A little break My husband seems to like to spend all his time at the house . The exception is the errands into town . He loves to stack one errand on top of another , so that when I start to go into town to return my library books , say , and go to the grocery store , suddenly he has added on a trip to Walmart ( I hate Walmart ) , a pickup of prescription drugs at Walgreens , and a trip to the hardware store . Every jaunt into town must include at least one trip to the hardware store . Luckily for me , there 's a Dutch Brothers coffee booth right next door and I love their Cocomos , a combination of coffee , coconut milk , and chocolate . There is always a big line at Dutch Brothers , but if it isn 't too bad , I get in the walk - up line while my husband is looking at nuts and bolts next door . This is all a big lead - up to say that I finally got him to take a little drive with me on Sunday . It was a beautiful day . We had one really hot day this weekend during which we actually started up the air conditioning for a few hours and one really beautiful day , during which we had the windows open all day . And then there was yesterday , when it was cold and cloudy all day , never out of the 50 's . I loved all of them . Anyway , we chose to drive to Sunset Falls , which we had not seen yet . The drive was a nice one , southeast farther into the foothills of the Cascades . The falls aren 't spectacular , but they are pretty . Kids were sitting on the rocks over the falls in the middle of the creek ( it looks like a river , but I 'm pretty sure it 's a creek ) , and some of them were jumping off the rocks into the river or going along the bank to a cliff and jumping off there . Twenty years ago I would have been up top sitting on the rocks or wading in the creek , but I don 't think I would have had the nerve to jump off even forty years ago ! It 's not terribly high up , but you could easily hit rocks on the way down . On the contractor front , our general contractor finally came over yesterday and cleared out our basement , so I foresee some busy days of returning to what we had been doing two months ago or so when they messed it all up . We have almost all the bookcases out of the dance room , only three to go . My husband is going to fasten them to the wall because of the kids , and then I can start putting away my books . Finally ! That will free up a lot of room in the dance room so that we can find the rest of our possessions and start organizing the storage in the dance room and garage . As far as our remaining projects go , it looks like what I feared might be coming to pass . We had been waiting to hear from the guys who are going to asphalt our driveway , the guys who are going to install our marmoleum , and the guys who are going to install the carpet on the stairs . Some of these projects have been in limbo for months . I feared that what would happen is they would all want to do their jobs around the same time . That could be a problem if the driveway was being asphalted . And sure enough , we have a provisional start date from the asphalt guys of June 5 and a provisional start date for the marmoleum of June 8 . I 'm not sure how many days the asphalt will take , but this seems too close together . On the other had , both dates are provisional , so I 'm not going to start trying to reschedule anything until at least one date is set . Also , no word from Lowe 's about the carpet since mid - May , when they said it had been shipped . I don 't want to put any of these guys off . We 've been waiting for the carpet since February and the marmoleum since April . And the asphalt guys have the toughest schedule . We recently made a possibly foolhardy purchase . Well , who knows . It 's an interesting one at least . I have been wanting to buy a grill . I used to do about half of my meals on the grill when I was single . That was a standard Weber charcoal grill , and I used it so much it had a hole in the grill top . But when I got married , we decided to try a gas grill . Frankly , I never felt comfortable with it . I never knew if it was heated enough or whether the grill was supposed to have some sort of medium in it , like rocks , or anything like that . Our family has always used charcoal . And my husband is one of the few guys I know that doesn 't grill . ( This used to be one of my dad 's favorite weekend activities . ) Our gas grill ended up being hauled off from our Austin house , where it had been chained to the deck but unused for years and was in horrible condition . Now that we have a lovely deck and some nice deck furniture for dining , I wanted to buy another charcoal grill . I was discussing it with my niece 's husband when he told me about something that 's called a Big Green Egg . A Big Green Egg is a kamado - style grill . I had never heard of these grills before , but most of them are made out of enamel , and you can use them to grill , smoke , or bake . What sold me was the information that you can use them to make tandoori chicken and naan . I was 2 / 3 of the way there after reading about them , although they are expensive for a charcoal grill , but I wanted to see one . That is the difficulty . Our local Ace was supposed to carry them , but apparently they decided they took up too much space in what is a fairly small store . They said they could order one for me , but I wanted to at least look at one first . Then we stopped by Home Despot , which does not carry Big Green Eggs but has several other styles of kamado grills , some of which are less expensive . But they didn 't have even one of them in stock , either . We talked to a helpful guy in the store , who told us where we could see a Big Green Egg just to get a look at a kamado grill . The plan was to look at the Egg and then return to the Home Despot , where he would show us his other kamado grills online and we could order one . It was this kind of informed and guided shopping that I wanted from the store , because I had already read some reviews and looked at all the various grills online . I just wanted to hear what he had to say about them . Well , we went to look at the Big Green Egg , but when we returned to Home Despot , nobody knew who the heck we were talking about , even though we knew his name ( he might have been a manager ) , and if he WAS the manager , he was in a meeting . We stood around and stood around waiting at the service desk , but when I heard they were getting someone from flooring to help us , that 's when I decided to leave . After all , someone from flooring wasn 't going to know any more about the grills than I did . This is a problem with the local Home Despot . In Austin , they had pretty good service , but here , you 're lucky if you can find anyone to talk to . We went right back to the store with the Big Green Eggs . The Big Green Eggs are pricey , but while we were talking to the nice man in the other store , we found out about demo eggs . These eggs are used one time at a Big Green Egg demo in Portland , and then you get one for 25 % off . So , we signed up for one of those . We get our grill , slightly used , on June 25 . I hate to subject you , completely changing the subject , to another picture of our ridge , but lately the rhododendron on the left side of the water feature has bloomed beautifully . I was complaining in early spring that our property didn 't have any color , but it just didn 't have any early color . Now wildflowers are popping up all over the place . First there were some small blue ones on the ridge , but lately there are lots of white ones and some yellow flowers all around the house , maybe buttercups . I need to learn something about wildflowers . Here is part of our ridge now , just a couple weeks after the last picture . You can see some of the white flowers at the base of the rhododendron . We have had several returns of the bunny , one time with a smaller companion , to our drive , where he or she likes to eat the grass in between the bricks . Sadly , that grass is going to be going away soon . Maybe the bunny will stay to eat the grass on our lawn , though . The bunny comes almost every evening now just before dusk . If anyone is still interested in my art class , I finally finished my picture of a cedar waxwing . My sister is still working on her hummingbird , since she missed a class . I guess that means I 'll be doing an exercise in class today . The exercises tend to be tedious , but they are wise to intermix them with the opportunity to draw a picture . I think my next picture is supposed to be of a furry animal . Author whatmereadPosted on May 31 , 2017Categories renovations , UncategorizedTags art class , climate , contractors , flooring , grills , house painting , sightseeing , Sunset Falsl , wildlife4 Comments on A little break Wildlife , silver , another lazy week Today it is cold , but on Monday it was almost 90 degrees . We had the air conditioning on for a few hours for the first time . We have really had some temperature variations lately , but by and large the weather is gorgeous ! We have been seeing lots of birds lately , but we haven 't seen any deer on our property since the first report . We saw one deer at my niece 's house the morning after our first road meeting when we drove all the way down the road to look it it . My niece has remarked that we saw a lot more of the deer before three of our neighbors decided to log their property . There is a lot less cover for them in the neighborhood now . However , a bunny decided to come visit us the other day . The work with our contractors is virtually on hold . Our general contractor wants to finish up his work at the same time as he prepares the floors for the linoleum installation , but it looks like that 's not happening . Two weeks ago the linoleum guy told me a week - and - a - half to two weeks , but now we 're provisionally scheduled for June 8 , so that 's another two weeks to wait . Our contractor says his guys will come out soon to finish the other things up . Our house painting isn 't scheduled before mid - June , and we have heard nothing from the asphalt people , despite leaving them a message asking them for a rough estimate . The road work we 've been discussing with our neighbors will involve tearing up more of our driveway than we anticipated for our asphalting project , as we originally planned to leave the concrete apron . But the idiots who built our house didn 't put a pipe under the apron for drainage , which has been causing a problem on the gravel road for years . So , the guy doing the road work is going to tear off the apron and lay down a pipe and big gravel that the asphalt people can lay asphalt on top of . So , we have just been puttering around the house . I have been whacking away at the grass on the slope behind the house , but the slope is too steep for me to make it all the way up . I 'm now looking for a spry youngster to do it for me . The other project I took care of lately was to polish some old silver that I got from my mother . It was her mother 's . I have plates and bowls and servers and an entire tea service - I doubt if I will ever use it ( well , I use one plain silver pitcher frequently for flowers ) , but I like having it as it is so pretty . I let it get in pretty horrible condition , though , and it probably wasn 't that great when I got it . Here are a before and after picture . The after picture isn 't perfect , but I like a little tarnish on silver . The secret is to not let it get into the condition that I let it get into . I didn 't have a photo to show for this week , so I thought I 'd go out and take another picture of the ridge , so you can see how it 's changed in the past month or so . This first photo is the ridge a few weeks ago , almost exactly a month ago , in fact . You can see that we are still coming out of winter in this picture . The pieris ( the tall plant at top ) has changed from red , which it was all winter , to yellow , and a lot of the bushes look dead . In this second picture , taken today , you can see both the pierises , which I have trimmed , looking a little pinker , the azaleas next to the waterfall ( which is still not falling ) , and the rhododendron beginning to come out on the right . Below the rhododendron is a heather bush , which has looked pretty much like that since we got here , and if you look carefully to the right of the heather , you can see a little silver pieris that I planted a few weeks ago . To the left of the heather and barely visible below the rhododendron is the bird 's nest spruce that we also planted . I think that I have two more rhododendrons that have not yet begun to bloom on the left of the azaleas . They have big buds on them that aren 't visible in this picture . You can see , though , that the foliage in the picture is much greener . Nothing looks dead . However , it still is staying well below normal for this time of year . Highs have been in the 60 's all week and lows still in the 40 's . It 's supposed to get up into the 80 's within the week , though . My understanding is that normally it should be in the 70 's now . Yesterday we had intermittent rain and small hail . We are getting lots of rain this week . I made it outside a couple of times in an attempt to weed - whack the wolf pen and work my way up into the septic field , where we dare not let the vegetation get too bad . But my attempts have been fairly paltry . What we really need is a strong young teenager with a brush cutter . I also took a handful of seed bombs out into the orchard and threw them around . Seed bombs , if you don 't know , are lots of wildflower seeds packed into a ball of mud . You throw them where you want wildflowers to come up , and the rain breaks down the mud ball and spreads the seeds around . My great - niece told me that she and her mother came out last fall and threw some seed bombs around the orchard , too , so with any luck , we 'll have lots of wildflowers in the orchard this year . Other than that , we 've been just puttering around the house . My husband put together his push mower this week and re - mowed the front lawn , but he didn 't make it down to go over the wolf pen where I had weed - whacked . Next dry day , if he doesn 't do it , I will . He also fastened the bookcases that we have moved out into the basement to the wall . We still have three more bookcases to move out before I can start putting away my books , and we will need the contractors to move their stuff out of our basement so that I can have room for my stacks of books . Our marmoleum has been ordered ! I am not sure how long it will be before it is installed . The flooring rep said a week - and - a - half to two weeks , but that was before he 'd checked stock , so it may be longer . This company is being so much more helpful than the last one ! Our carpet is supposed to come in around the same time , and the pavers were provisionally starting our driveway around that time . I hope they don 't all come at once , but I would guess that the pavers will be late because it has continued to be rainy for so long . They had work stacked up from last season that they had to do first , and they probably haven 't had very many days that they could work so far . They said they don 't schedule their work too far out because of the weather , so they will call us about 10 days before they want to start . For the same reason , probably , we haven 't heard a peep from our house painters . Speaking of paving , we had our first neighborhood meeting to discuss the state of the road . It was nice to meet a few more neighbors ( we had only met two up until then ) , but only about half showed up and we weren 't able to decide anything because of a few complications . Next meeting is this Saturday at my niece 's house . We had a sad event at our house on Sunday , which also was my husband 's 71st birthday . His standard poodle , Hans , died . The poor dog had been suffering for some time , but my husband thinks that taking a pet to the vet to be put to sleep is cruel . This issue is a difficult one to resolve . I personally believe that if the pet can 't be saved , letting it suffer is cruel , but we all have to deal with this issue in our own ways . In any case , we were out working in the yard when he died , and we spent the afternoon burying him in the pasture under a hemlock tree . At least he has a nice place to be . After several hours of fooling around with his new riding mower , my husband took off to cut the orchard . For practice , he did our small front lawn and cut down my lilac bush , planted only a few weeks before . I saw him out there , and I thought , he is going to cut down my lilac bush . I saw him pass it safely . I went back to doing the laundry . Less than a minute later , I heard a terrific crunch and looked out to see nothing , that is , no lilac bush . My niece 's husband has been suggesting I put in raised beds in front for flowers . I 'm beginning to think that may be a good idea . In any case , I guess there will be no scent of lilac on our property this year . My husband was only able to cut a sort of circular swath through the orchard . I think the slope of it worried him and he was a little scared of his mower . He also found he could not fit the mower into the wolf pen , so it 's going to have to come down . I have been wanting to take down the wolf pen since we got here , but he thought he might use it for Hans . Needless to say , Hans never set foot in the place . Our tenants , who lived here before we moved here , used it for their goats . Although it is supposed to start raining again for several days starting tomorrow , we have had several gorgeous days in a row . On one of those days , my niece 's husband kindly came over and cut the rest of the orchard . The grass is getting out of control here because we didn 't have a mower and it rained for so long this spring . I weed - whacked part of the side yard and part of the wolf pen , which has grass that is almost up to my waist . Also in the last few days , the azaleas ( I think they 're azaleas ) have bloomed on our ridge . The pieris plants , which were yellow during the winter , turned bright red in early spring , and are now pink . Here is a picture of the azaleas and one pieris next to the waterfall , which is not turned on yet because we need to clean it out . On the flooring front , our contractor found a flooring installer , which I reported last week , and this week he finally returned from vacation and contacted the flooring company . We have already heard from the company representative , who is coming out on Friday to measure . Finally , some movement ! We also finally heard from Lowe 's . As you may ( or may not ) remember , we ordered carpet for the new stairs from them , the same kind as we installed during the winter in the basement . They came back to us in February saying that the carpet was out of production and wouldn 't be available until May . Last week , they called us to say that carpet would be shipped to them on May 15 . I had been worrying that they would call back and say the carpet was no longer available , which , since we were trying to match the downstairs carpet , would have been bad . And although I have moved on from my picture of a flower to another exercise and now to drawing a bird ( a cedar waxwing ) , I have not forgotten my promise to Naomi to take a picture of my first drawing . Here is my flower , in all its glory , or not . I guess it does look like a flower . |
Author : whatmeread At last , marmoleum ! Our laundry room in use . The marks in the vinyl won 't come out , and it looks dirty all the time . Our marmoleum is finally all in . The flooring guy came back on Monday to replace the subflooring and finish laying the marmoleum in the laundry room and half bath . Today , our regular contractors will be here to replace the baseboards . On Thursday , I can wash the new marmoleum and we can finally put back the washer and dryer . I guess I 'll be doing laundry this weekend . So , the pictures I have for this week are of the laundry room before and after . You can see how bad the vinyl looked before . It had black marks in it that wouldn 't come out , and it was worn and dirty looking . We 've also had a slight movement forward on the problem of cutting our slope . We have a steepish slope in back of our house from the basement floor down to the pond , with the wolf pen in the middle . It is important to keep it from getting overgrown , as it includes our septic field . I was trying to trim it with our weed whacker , working my way up from the bottom , but as soon as it got too steep , I had to stop . It can 't be cut with the mower until it is trimmed , and in any case , I have my doubts about getting a mower up that slope , although our tenant managed to keep it cut . In this picture , the foxgloves that you can see in the middle are actually almost five feet high , so that gives you an idea of how high the grass is . We have been looking for someone to cut it for several weeks now . Finally , a young guy called last week and said he would be out yesterday . He came , but our contractor had not conveyed to him the information that he needed to bring a brush cutter . We put him to work with our weed whacker , but because it hadn 't been charged up , he soon ran both batteries out of juice . My husband ran up to the hardware store to buy one , but they were sold out . Our yard guy said he could borrow a brush cutter from his uncle , so we had him cut our orchard with the riding mower , and then he went home . I had been working on the orchard with the weed whacker , too , and my husband had taken another swipe at it with the riding mower , but he still feels unsafe on the mower with the slope in the orchard . If you look very carefully at the edge of the wolf pen in the top part of the picture , you can see the small progress the lawn guy made with the weed whacker before the batteries ran out . He is coming today with his uncle 's brush cutter to finish the job . Unfortunately , he 's only a short - term solution , because he is moving away in a couple of weeks to go work in California . And that 's about it . We 've had lovely weather lately . It rained toward the end of last week and during the weekend , but we had a hot one on Monday , and then since then it 's been delightfully chilly at night and cool during the day while still nice and bright out . I would say , perfect weather . The good news for this week is that our asphalt is finished , and it looks really nice ! Everyone who has come up the driveway has commented about it . Our next door neighbors even asked the pavers to come over and give them an estimate while they were here . So , here is a picture of that . One more project finished ! Now on to other news . The flooring guys , as you may remember , wanted to install the marmoleum on the same day that the pavers were here , so we had to put them off . The guy arrived to do the flooring yesterday . The original plan was to lay the marmoleum on top of the existing vinyl , but when the flooring guy started working in the laundry room , he realized that the vinyl wasn 't securely fastened to the floor . You could just lift it up , basically . Even though it had been glued , it hadn 't been glued very well . He also said that he was not allowed to lay the marmoleum on top of the flooring that was underneath it . So , it turned out he was only able to do two of the four areas yesterday . Those were the small toilet area in the master bathroom and the closet . The laundry room and half bath are rescheduled for Monday , when he will come back out and lay a different floor . I had hoped to be able to show before and after pictures , and I still can , but unfortunately the rooms I took pictures of are not the rooms that are " finished . " By " finished , " I mean that we are still waiting for the toilet to be reinstalled and the baseboards put back . As you can see from the picture above , the old vinyl looks all worn and dirty even after it has been washed . The after picture here is of a different room , and the marmoleum hasn 't even been washed yet ( you can 't wash it for three days after it is laid ) , but you can see how much better it looks . Now , the carpet . Just to recap , we laid carpet in our basement in December and then we replaced the scary spiral staircase with a regular one in February . We went back and ordered the same carpet for the stairs and the landing in late February or early March . We have been waiting for it since then . Our ship date for the carpet was early May , and then it got changed to mid - May . In mid - May , I understood my husband to tell me that Lowe 's had called and told us the carpet was shipped . But by last week we still hadn 't heard back from them . I finally called them on Friday . Of course , they had no record of that last call , and my husband could have misunderstood what they said . Perhaps they called to report the new ship date not to report the carpet had been shipped . So , Lowe 's called the mill ( Lowe 's had apparently completely forgotten about our order ) . They called back to say that the mill is having trouble producing the carpet and is going to discontinue it . They say they 'll honor the back orders , and we have a new ship date of June 30 . But the flooring person from Lowe 's warned me that they had this happen once before , and the mill cancelled the order . I have a friend telling me the carpet probably won 't match anyway , but there isn 't so much as a threshold separating the old carpet from where the new carpet will be , so installing the same stuff seemed like my best bet . I am not sure what I 'll do if they call back and say we can 't get the carpet at all . I could try for the same texture and pull out one of the colors in the carpet ( which is a speckled mixture of beige and blue and some other colors ) , or I could install something completely different . Or I could put something else at the landing , maybe wood , and a different carpet coming down the stairs , so that the two carpets don 't meet . I hope they will at least give me a definite answer by the end of the month , either ship the carpet or cancel but don 't put me off again . Author whatmereadPosted on June 14 , 2017Categories renovationsTags asphalt , carpet , contractors , flooring , improvements , renovations , stairs2 Comments on One step forward , two back A work in progress The excitement around here this week is all centered around the driveway . Our pavers did show up on Monday . Up until Saturday , we just had a provisional start date from them . They had originally told us that they didn 't schedule very far out because of the weather . But they were here bright and early on Monday . This was a project that I was against when we first moved here . Our driveway is made of diamond - shaped bricks in two tracks , one for each wheel . I loved the rural look of it with the grass growing through the diamonds . However , during the winter , with all the rain and the trucks coming up and missing the tracks , it turned into a mud pit , and it still has ruts in it and bricks that are out of place . I had to admit that paving the driveway seemed to be a very practical idea . I meant to take a picture of it before the guys started , but I forgot , so my first picture is of the top of the driveway , when they hadn 't yet dug out the bricks . It doesn 't show the mess that the driveway had become , just the nice part of it , because they had already dug up the bricks in the messy part . It turns out the driveway bricks were held in position by rebar , sticking up straight out of the ground , which the pavers had to pull out of the driveway , piece by piece . They even put rebar in the side parking area ( which was where we found it first ) , which didn 't have the bricks but instead large chunks of brown gravel . Because the people who put in the parking area had first covered the grass with plastic , the parking area didn 't drain properly and got all churned up over the winter . We are paving that , too , as well as the lower drive . When we moved here , the movers had mixed success with getting down that drive . Now there shouldn 't be a problem . Here is the driveway with gravel on it . The arc of grass to the right is in front of our house . The area to the left is the bottom of our ridge . The guys are planning to finish today , but I took a picture of the driveway in mid - progress , with lovely gravel . I actually might have preferred a gravel driveway , but I know that my niece and her husband asphalted their driveway a year or so ago because every winter their gravel got washed down into the road . We probably would have had the same problem . Of course , just as I feared , the flooring guy was planning to lay the marmoleum tomorrow . That would mean that our contractors would have to be able to get in today to yank the sinks and toilets in the bathrooms . But of course , they can 't , and the asphalt is not supposed to be driven on for a day , so we had to reschedule . So far , I don 't know when that will be . Nor have I heard at all from the carpeting people . Once these guys get out of here and we have a date for the marmoleum , I guess I need to call the carpet guys . We have been waiting for the carpet to come in since February , and it was supposed to have arrived at the end of May . I am also still trying to find someone to whack down our back slope . Once we get it whacked down the first time , we should be able to maintain it with the push mower , or if we can find someone , we can just get them to whack it down several times over the summer . No luck so far , and pretty soon the grass is going to be over my head . I see some spears of foxglove growing in it , too . Very pretty . Our contractor came out late last week and removed his junk from our basement and outside the house . I would be working at putting away my books if I wasn 't waiting for my husband to fasten the bookcases to the wall first . He has promised to do it this week . I feel like everything I could do is on hold . This one job would allow us to move forward in a big way , but as I 've mentioned before , I have never figured out a way to motivate him to get something done . Right now , he has several projects in progress . The wolf pen is partway down . The parts for fastening the bookcases to the wall are there , but no work is done . The seat of our new outdoor dining chair that he broke by slamming his butt down into it is on the table with the glue sitting next to it . The table and the counter that he said he 'd clear off are halfway empty but are starting to accumulate junk ( all his ) again . He bought a blind to cover our bedroom sliding glass door but never even started putting it up ( good , because I don 't want it over the windows - it is too big ) . The shed thing that is in the space where my garden needs to go is still sitting there waiting to be taken down , and after that my above - ground garden boxes need to be made . ( My niece 's husband said he would do that , though , so it will get done . ) He cut the orchard grass once , and after the guys get their trucks out of the orchard , I suspect I 'll be the one cutting it from now on . That 's how life is around here . I am missing my bird book , because the birds around here are different from the ones we saw in Texas . At first , our bird feeder seemed to be attracting only chickadees ( and our hummingbird feeder hummingbirds , of course ) , but lately , I have managed to identify a couple of birds I 've never seen before , using the app whatbird . One of them is the Smith 's longspur , which is quite a pretty bird and loves the suet feeder . The other one looks like a black - capped or California or black - tailed gnatcatcher , but the range for all three of these birds is the southwestern United States . I am only a novice bird identifier , but I couldn 't find another bird that looked like these , with a black head , a gray body and light gray tummy . They are small birds , slightly bigger than the chickadees . Author whatmereadPosted on June 7 , 2017Categories renovationsTags asphalt , carpet , contractors , flooring , improvements , landscaping , rural life , stairs , wildlifeLeave a comment on A work in progress A little break My husband seems to like to spend all his time at the house . The exception is the errands into town . He loves to stack one errand on top of another , so that when I start to go into town to return my library books , say , and go to the grocery store , suddenly he has added on a trip to Walmart ( I hate Walmart ) , a pickup of prescription drugs at Walgreens , and a trip to the hardware store . Every jaunt into town must include at least one trip to the hardware store . Luckily for me , there 's a Dutch Brothers coffee booth right next door and I love their Cocomos , a combination of coffee , coconut milk , and chocolate . There is always a big line at Dutch Brothers , but if it isn 't too bad , I get in the walk - up line while my husband is looking at nuts and bolts next door . This is all a big lead - up to say that I finally got him to take a little drive with me on Sunday . It was a beautiful day . We had one really hot day this weekend during which we actually started up the air conditioning for a few hours and one really beautiful day , during which we had the windows open all day . And then there was yesterday , when it was cold and cloudy all day , never out of the 50 's . I loved all of them . Anyway , we chose to drive to Sunset Falls , which we had not seen yet . The drive was a nice one , southeast farther into the foothills of the Cascades . The falls aren 't spectacular , but they are pretty . Kids were sitting on the rocks over the falls in the middle of the creek ( it looks like a river , but I 'm pretty sure it 's a creek ) , and some of them were jumping off the rocks into the river or going along the bank to a cliff and jumping off there . Twenty years ago I would have been up top sitting on the rocks or wading in the creek , but I don 't think I would have had the nerve to jump off even forty years ago ! It 's not terribly high up , but you could easily hit rocks on the way down . On the contractor front , our general contractor finally came over yesterday and cleared out our basement , so I foresee some busy days of returning to what we had been doing two months ago or so when they messed it all up . We have almost all the bookcases out of the dance room , only three to go . My husband is going to fasten them to the wall because of the kids , and then I can start putting away my books . Finally ! That will free up a lot of room in the dance room so that we can find the rest of our possessions and start organizing the storage in the dance room and garage . As far as our remaining projects go , it looks like what I feared might be coming to pass . We had been waiting to hear from the guys who are going to asphalt our driveway , the guys who are going to install our marmoleum , and the guys who are going to install the carpet on the stairs . Some of these projects have been in limbo for months . I feared that what would happen is they would all want to do their jobs around the same time . That could be a problem if the driveway was being asphalted . And sure enough , we have a provisional start date from the asphalt guys of June 5 and a provisional start date for the marmoleum of June 8 . I 'm not sure how many days the asphalt will take , but this seems too close together . On the other had , both dates are provisional , so I 'm not going to start trying to reschedule anything until at least one date is set . Also , no word from Lowe 's about the carpet since mid - May , when they said it had been shipped . I don 't want to put any of these guys off . We 've been waiting for the carpet since February and the marmoleum since April . And the asphalt guys have the toughest schedule . We recently made a possibly foolhardy purchase . Well , who knows . It 's an interesting one at least . I have been wanting to buy a grill . I used to do about half of my meals on the grill when I was single . That was a standard Weber charcoal grill , and I used it so much it had a hole in the grill top . But when I got married , we decided to try a gas grill . Frankly , I never felt comfortable with it . I never knew if it was heated enough or whether the grill was supposed to have some sort of medium in it , like rocks , or anything like that . Our family has always used charcoal . And my husband is one of the few guys I know that doesn 't grill . ( This used to be one of my dad 's favorite weekend activities . ) Our gas grill ended up being hauled off from our Austin house , where it had been chained to the deck but unused for years and was in horrible condition . Now that we have a lovely deck and some nice deck furniture for dining , I wanted to buy another charcoal grill . I was discussing it with my niece 's husband when he told me about something that 's called a Big Green Egg . A Big Green Egg is a kamado - style grill . I had never heard of these grills before , but most of them are made out of enamel , and you can use them to grill , smoke , or bake . What sold me was the information that you can use them to make tandoori chicken and naan . I was 2 / 3 of the way there after reading about them , although they are expensive for a charcoal grill , but I wanted to see one . That is the difficulty . Our local Ace was supposed to carry them , but apparently they decided they took up too much space in what is a fairly small store . They said they could order one for me , but I wanted to at least look at one first . Then we stopped by Home Despot , which does not carry Big Green Eggs but has several other styles of kamado grills , some of which are less expensive . But they didn 't have even one of them in stock , either . We talked to a helpful guy in the store , who told us where we could see a Big Green Egg just to get a look at a kamado grill . The plan was to look at the Egg and then return to the Home Despot , where he would show us his other kamado grills online and we could order one . It was this kind of informed and guided shopping that I wanted from the store , because I had already read some reviews and looked at all the various grills online . I just wanted to hear what he had to say about them . Well , we went to look at the Big Green Egg , but when we returned to Home Despot , nobody knew who the heck we were talking about , even though we knew his name ( he might have been a manager ) , and if he WAS the manager , he was in a meeting . We stood around and stood around waiting at the service desk , but when I heard they were getting someone from flooring to help us , that 's when I decided to leave . After all , someone from flooring wasn 't going to know any more about the grills than I did . This is a problem with the local Home Despot . In Austin , they had pretty good service , but here , you 're lucky if you can find anyone to talk to . We went right back to the store with the Big Green Eggs . The Big Green Eggs are pricey , but while we were talking to the nice man in the other store , we found out about demo eggs . These eggs are used one time at a Big Green Egg demo in Portland , and then you get one for 25 % off . So , we signed up for one of those . We get our grill , slightly used , on June 25 . I hate to subject you , completely changing the subject , to another picture of our ridge , but lately the rhododendron on the left side of the water feature has bloomed beautifully . I was complaining in early spring that our property didn 't have any color , but it just didn 't have any early color . Now wildflowers are popping up all over the place . First there were some small blue ones on the ridge , but lately there are lots of white ones and some yellow flowers all around the house , maybe buttercups . I need to learn something about wildflowers . Here is part of our ridge now , just a couple weeks after the last picture . You can see some of the white flowers at the base of the rhododendron . We have had several returns of the bunny , one time with a smaller companion , to our drive , where he or she likes to eat the grass in between the bricks . Sadly , that grass is going to be going away soon . Maybe the bunny will stay to eat the grass on our lawn , though . The bunny comes almost every evening now just before dusk . If anyone is still interested in my art class , I finally finished my picture of a cedar waxwing . My sister is still working on her hummingbird , since she missed a class . I guess that means I 'll be doing an exercise in class today . The exercises tend to be tedious , but they are wise to intermix them with the opportunity to draw a picture . I think my next picture is supposed to be of a furry animal . Author whatmereadPosted on May 31 , 2017Categories renovations , UncategorizedTags art class , climate , contractors , flooring , grills , house painting , sightseeing , Sunset Falsl , wildlife4 Comments on A little break Wildlife , silver , another lazy week Today it is cold , but on Monday it was almost 90 degrees . We had the air conditioning on for a few hours for the first time . We have really had some temperature variations lately , but by and large the weather is gorgeous ! We have been seeing lots of birds lately , but we haven 't seen any deer on our property since the first report . We saw one deer at my niece 's house the morning after our first road meeting when we drove all the way down the road to look it it . My niece has remarked that we saw a lot more of the deer before three of our neighbors decided to log their property . There is a lot less cover for them in the neighborhood now . However , a bunny decided to come visit us the other day . The work with our contractors is virtually on hold . Our general contractor wants to finish up his work at the same time as he prepares the floors for the linoleum installation , but it looks like that 's not happening . Two weeks ago the linoleum guy told me a week - and - a - half to two weeks , but now we 're provisionally scheduled for June 8 , so that 's another two weeks to wait . Our contractor says his guys will come out soon to finish the other things up . Our house painting isn 't scheduled before mid - June , and we have heard nothing from the asphalt people , despite leaving them a message asking them for a rough estimate . The road work we 've been discussing with our neighbors will involve tearing up more of our driveway than we anticipated for our asphalting project , as we originally planned to leave the concrete apron . But the idiots who built our house didn 't put a pipe under the apron for drainage , which has been causing a problem on the gravel road for years . So , the guy doing the road work is going to tear off the apron and lay down a pipe and big gravel that the asphalt people can lay asphalt on top of . So , we have just been puttering around the house . I have been whacking away at the grass on the slope behind the house , but the slope is too steep for me to make it all the way up . I 'm now looking for a spry youngster to do it for me . The other project I took care of lately was to polish some old silver that I got from my mother . It was her mother 's . I have plates and bowls and servers and an entire tea service - I doubt if I will ever use it ( well , I use one plain silver pitcher frequently for flowers ) , but I like having it as it is so pretty . I let it get in pretty horrible condition , though , and it probably wasn 't that great when I got it . Here are a before and after picture . The after picture isn 't perfect , but I like a little tarnish on silver . The secret is to not let it get into the condition that I let it get into . I didn 't have a photo to show for this week , so I thought I 'd go out and take another picture of the ridge , so you can see how it 's changed in the past month or so . This first photo is the ridge a few weeks ago , almost exactly a month ago , in fact . You can see that we are still coming out of winter in this picture . The pieris ( the tall plant at top ) has changed from red , which it was all winter , to yellow , and a lot of the bushes look dead . In this second picture , taken today , you can see both the pierises , which I have trimmed , looking a little pinker , the azaleas next to the waterfall ( which is still not falling ) , and the rhododendron beginning to come out on the right . Below the rhododendron is a heather bush , which has looked pretty much like that since we got here , and if you look carefully to the right of the heather , you can see a little silver pieris that I planted a few weeks ago . To the left of the heather and barely visible below the rhododendron is the bird 's nest spruce that we also planted . I think that I have two more rhododendrons that have not yet begun to bloom on the left of the azaleas . They have big buds on them that aren 't visible in this picture . You can see , though , that the foliage in the picture is much greener . Nothing looks dead . However , it still is staying well below normal for this time of year . Highs have been in the 60 's all week and lows still in the 40 's . It 's supposed to get up into the 80 's within the week , though . My understanding is that normally it should be in the 70 's now . Yesterday we had intermittent rain and small hail . We are getting lots of rain this week . I made it outside a couple of times in an attempt to weed - whack the wolf pen and work my way up into the septic field , where we dare not let the vegetation get too bad . But my attempts have been fairly paltry . What we really need is a strong young teenager with a brush cutter . I also took a handful of seed bombs out into the orchard and threw them around . Seed bombs , if you don 't know , are lots of wildflower seeds packed into a ball of mud . You throw them where you want wildflowers to come up , and the rain breaks down the mud ball and spreads the seeds around . My great - niece told me that she and her mother came out last fall and threw some seed bombs around the orchard , too , so with any luck , we 'll have lots of wildflowers in the orchard this year . Other than that , we 've been just puttering around the house . My husband put together his push mower this week and re - mowed the front lawn , but he didn 't make it down to go over the wolf pen where I had weed - whacked . Next dry day , if he doesn 't do it , I will . He also fastened the bookcases that we have moved out into the basement to the wall . We still have three more bookcases to move out before I can start putting away my books , and we will need the contractors to move their stuff out of our basement so that I can have room for my stacks of books . Our marmoleum has been ordered ! I am not sure how long it will be before it is installed . The flooring rep said a week - and - a - half to two weeks , but that was before he 'd checked stock , so it may be longer . This company is being so much more helpful than the last one ! Our carpet is supposed to come in around the same time , and the pavers were provisionally starting our driveway around that time . I hope they don 't all come at once , but I would guess that the pavers will be late because it has continued to be rainy for so long . They had work stacked up from last season that they had to do first , and they probably haven 't had very many days that they could work so far . They said they don 't schedule their work too far out because of the weather , so they will call us about 10 days before they want to start . For the same reason , probably , we haven 't heard a peep from our house painters . Speaking of paving , we had our first neighborhood meeting to discuss the state of the road . It was nice to meet a few more neighbors ( we had only met two up until then ) , but only about half showed up and we weren 't able to decide anything because of a few complications . Next meeting is this Saturday at my niece 's house . We had a sad event at our house on Sunday , which also was my husband 's 71st birthday . His standard poodle , Hans , died . The poor dog had been suffering for some time , but my husband thinks that taking a pet to the vet to be put to sleep is cruel . This issue is a difficult one to resolve . I personally believe that if the pet can 't be saved , letting it suffer is cruel , but we all have to deal with this issue in our own ways . In any case , we were out working in the yard when he died , and we spent the afternoon burying him in the pasture under a hemlock tree . At least he has a nice place to be . After several hours of fooling around with his new riding mower , my husband took off to cut the orchard . For practice , he did our small front lawn and cut down my lilac bush , planted only a few weeks before . I saw him out there , and I thought , he is going to cut down my lilac bush . I saw him pass it safely . I went back to doing the laundry . Less than a minute later , I heard a terrific crunch and looked out to see nothing , that is , no lilac bush . My niece 's husband has been suggesting I put in raised beds in front for flowers . I 'm beginning to think that may be a good idea . In any case , I guess there will be no scent of lilac on our property this year . My husband was only able to cut a sort of circular swath through the orchard . I think the slope of it worried him and he was a little scared of his mower . He also found he could not fit the mower into the wolf pen , so it 's going to have to come down . I have been wanting to take down the wolf pen since we got here , but he thought he might use it for Hans . Needless to say , Hans never set foot in the place . Our tenants , who lived here before we moved here , used it for their goats . Although it is supposed to start raining again for several days starting tomorrow , we have had several gorgeous days in a row . On one of those days , my niece 's husband kindly came over and cut the rest of the orchard . The grass is getting out of control here because we didn 't have a mower and it rained for so long this spring . I weed - whacked part of the side yard and part of the wolf pen , which has grass that is almost up to my waist . Also in the last few days , the azaleas ( I think they 're azaleas ) have bloomed on our ridge . The pieris plants , which were yellow during the winter , turned bright red in early spring , and are now pink . Here is a picture of the azaleas and one pieris next to the waterfall , which is not turned on yet because we need to clean it out . On the flooring front , our contractor found a flooring installer , which I reported last week , and this week he finally returned from vacation and contacted the flooring company . We have already heard from the company representative , who is coming out on Friday to measure . Finally , some movement ! We also finally heard from Lowe 's . As you may ( or may not ) remember , we ordered carpet for the new stairs from them , the same kind as we installed during the winter in the basement . They came back to us in February saying that the carpet was out of production and wouldn 't be available until May . Last week , they called us to say that carpet would be shipped to them on May 15 . I had been worrying that they would call back and say the carpet was no longer available , which , since we were trying to match the downstairs carpet , would have been bad . And although I have moved on from my picture of a flower to another exercise and now to drawing a bird ( a cedar waxwing ) , I have not forgotten my promise to Naomi to take a picture of my first drawing . Here is my flower , in all its glory , or not . I guess it does look like a flower . |
Category : renovations At last , marmoleum ! Our laundry room in use . The marks in the vinyl won 't come out , and it looks dirty all the time . Our marmoleum is finally all in . The flooring guy came back on Monday to replace the subflooring and finish laying the marmoleum in the laundry room and half bath . Today , our regular contractors will be here to replace the baseboards . On Thursday , I can wash the new marmoleum and we can finally put back the washer and dryer . I guess I 'll be doing laundry this weekend . So , the pictures I have for this week are of the laundry room before and after . You can see how bad the vinyl looked before . It had black marks in it that wouldn 't come out , and it was worn and dirty looking . We 've also had a slight movement forward on the problem of cutting our slope . We have a steepish slope in back of our house from the basement floor down to the pond , with the wolf pen in the middle . It is important to keep it from getting overgrown , as it includes our septic field . I was trying to trim it with our weed whacker , working my way up from the bottom , but as soon as it got too steep , I had to stop . It can 't be cut with the mower until it is trimmed , and in any case , I have my doubts about getting a mower up that slope , although our tenant managed to keep it cut . In this picture , the foxgloves that you can see in the middle are actually almost five feet high , so that gives you an idea of how high the grass is . We have been looking for someone to cut it for several weeks now . Finally , a young guy called last week and said he would be out yesterday . He came , but our contractor had not conveyed to him the information that he needed to bring a brush cutter . We put him to work with our weed whacker , but because it hadn 't been charged up , he soon ran both batteries out of juice . My husband ran up to the hardware store to buy one , but they were sold out . Our yard guy said he could borrow a brush cutter from his uncle , so we had him cut our orchard with the riding mower , and then he went home . I had been working on the orchard with the weed whacker , too , and my husband had taken another swipe at it with the riding mower , but he still feels unsafe on the mower with the slope in the orchard . If you look very carefully at the edge of the wolf pen in the top part of the picture , you can see the small progress the lawn guy made with the weed whacker before the batteries ran out . He is coming today with his uncle 's brush cutter to finish the job . Unfortunately , he 's only a short - term solution , because he is moving away in a couple of weeks to go work in California . And that 's about it . We 've had lovely weather lately . It rained toward the end of last week and during the weekend , but we had a hot one on Monday , and then since then it 's been delightfully chilly at night and cool during the day while still nice and bright out . I would say , perfect weather . The good news for this week is that our asphalt is finished , and it looks really nice ! Everyone who has come up the driveway has commented about it . Our next door neighbors even asked the pavers to come over and give them an estimate while they were here . So , here is a picture of that . One more project finished ! Now on to other news . The flooring guys , as you may remember , wanted to install the marmoleum on the same day that the pavers were here , so we had to put them off . The guy arrived to do the flooring yesterday . The original plan was to lay the marmoleum on top of the existing vinyl , but when the flooring guy started working in the laundry room , he realized that the vinyl wasn 't securely fastened to the floor . You could just lift it up , basically . Even though it had been glued , it hadn 't been glued very well . He also said that he was not allowed to lay the marmoleum on top of the flooring that was underneath it . So , it turned out he was only able to do two of the four areas yesterday . Those were the small toilet area in the master bathroom and the closet . The laundry room and half bath are rescheduled for Monday , when he will come back out and lay a different floor . I had hoped to be able to show before and after pictures , and I still can , but unfortunately the rooms I took pictures of are not the rooms that are " finished . " By " finished , " I mean that we are still waiting for the toilet to be reinstalled and the baseboards put back . As you can see from the picture above , the old vinyl looks all worn and dirty even after it has been washed . The after picture here is of a different room , and the marmoleum hasn 't even been washed yet ( you can 't wash it for three days after it is laid ) , but you can see how much better it looks . Now , the carpet . Just to recap , we laid carpet in our basement in December and then we replaced the scary spiral staircase with a regular one in February . We went back and ordered the same carpet for the stairs and the landing in late February or early March . We have been waiting for it since then . Our ship date for the carpet was early May , and then it got changed to mid - May . In mid - May , I understood my husband to tell me that Lowe 's had called and told us the carpet was shipped . But by last week we still hadn 't heard back from them . I finally called them on Friday . Of course , they had no record of that last call , and my husband could have misunderstood what they said . Perhaps they called to report the new ship date not to report the carpet had been shipped . So , Lowe 's called the mill ( Lowe 's had apparently completely forgotten about our order ) . They called back to say that the mill is having trouble producing the carpet and is going to discontinue it . They say they 'll honor the back orders , and we have a new ship date of June 30 . But the flooring person from Lowe 's warned me that they had this happen once before , and the mill cancelled the order . I have a friend telling me the carpet probably won 't match anyway , but there isn 't so much as a threshold separating the old carpet from where the new carpet will be , so installing the same stuff seemed like my best bet . I am not sure what I 'll do if they call back and say we can 't get the carpet at all . I could try for the same texture and pull out one of the colors in the carpet ( which is a speckled mixture of beige and blue and some other colors ) , or I could install something completely different . Or I could put something else at the landing , maybe wood , and a different carpet coming down the stairs , so that the two carpets don 't meet . I hope they will at least give me a definite answer by the end of the month , either ship the carpet or cancel but don 't put me off again . Author whatmereadPosted on June 14 , 2017Categories renovationsTags asphalt , carpet , contractors , flooring , improvements , renovations , stairs2 Comments on One step forward , two back A work in progress The excitement around here this week is all centered around the driveway . Our pavers did show up on Monday . Up until Saturday , we just had a provisional start date from them . They had originally told us that they didn 't schedule very far out because of the weather . But they were here bright and early on Monday . This was a project that I was against when we first moved here . Our driveway is made of diamond - shaped bricks in two tracks , one for each wheel . I loved the rural look of it with the grass growing through the diamonds . However , during the winter , with all the rain and the trucks coming up and missing the tracks , it turned into a mud pit , and it still has ruts in it and bricks that are out of place . I had to admit that paving the driveway seemed to be a very practical idea . I meant to take a picture of it before the guys started , but I forgot , so my first picture is of the top of the driveway , when they hadn 't yet dug out the bricks . It doesn 't show the mess that the driveway had become , just the nice part of it , because they had already dug up the bricks in the messy part . It turns out the driveway bricks were held in position by rebar , sticking up straight out of the ground , which the pavers had to pull out of the driveway , piece by piece . They even put rebar in the side parking area ( which was where we found it first ) , which didn 't have the bricks but instead large chunks of brown gravel . Because the people who put in the parking area had first covered the grass with plastic , the parking area didn 't drain properly and got all churned up over the winter . We are paving that , too , as well as the lower drive . When we moved here , the movers had mixed success with getting down that drive . Now there shouldn 't be a problem . Here is the driveway with gravel on it . The arc of grass to the right is in front of our house . The area to the left is the bottom of our ridge . The guys are planning to finish today , but I took a picture of the driveway in mid - progress , with lovely gravel . I actually might have preferred a gravel driveway , but I know that my niece and her husband asphalted their driveway a year or so ago because every winter their gravel got washed down into the road . We probably would have had the same problem . Of course , just as I feared , the flooring guy was planning to lay the marmoleum tomorrow . That would mean that our contractors would have to be able to get in today to yank the sinks and toilets in the bathrooms . But of course , they can 't , and the asphalt is not supposed to be driven on for a day , so we had to reschedule . So far , I don 't know when that will be . Nor have I heard at all from the carpeting people . Once these guys get out of here and we have a date for the marmoleum , I guess I need to call the carpet guys . We have been waiting for the carpet to come in since February , and it was supposed to have arrived at the end of May . I am also still trying to find someone to whack down our back slope . Once we get it whacked down the first time , we should be able to maintain it with the push mower , or if we can find someone , we can just get them to whack it down several times over the summer . No luck so far , and pretty soon the grass is going to be over my head . I see some spears of foxglove growing in it , too . Very pretty . Our contractor came out late last week and removed his junk from our basement and outside the house . I would be working at putting away my books if I wasn 't waiting for my husband to fasten the bookcases to the wall first . He has promised to do it this week . I feel like everything I could do is on hold . This one job would allow us to move forward in a big way , but as I 've mentioned before , I have never figured out a way to motivate him to get something done . Right now , he has several projects in progress . The wolf pen is partway down . The parts for fastening the bookcases to the wall are there , but no work is done . The seat of our new outdoor dining chair that he broke by slamming his butt down into it is on the table with the glue sitting next to it . The table and the counter that he said he 'd clear off are halfway empty but are starting to accumulate junk ( all his ) again . He bought a blind to cover our bedroom sliding glass door but never even started putting it up ( good , because I don 't want it over the windows - it is too big ) . The shed thing that is in the space where my garden needs to go is still sitting there waiting to be taken down , and after that my above - ground garden boxes need to be made . ( My niece 's husband said he would do that , though , so it will get done . ) He cut the orchard grass once , and after the guys get their trucks out of the orchard , I suspect I 'll be the one cutting it from now on . That 's how life is around here . I am missing my bird book , because the birds around here are different from the ones we saw in Texas . At first , our bird feeder seemed to be attracting only chickadees ( and our hummingbird feeder hummingbirds , of course ) , but lately , I have managed to identify a couple of birds I 've never seen before , using the app whatbird . One of them is the Smith 's longspur , which is quite a pretty bird and loves the suet feeder . The other one looks like a black - capped or California or black - tailed gnatcatcher , but the range for all three of these birds is the southwestern United States . I am only a novice bird identifier , but I couldn 't find another bird that looked like these , with a black head , a gray body and light gray tummy . They are small birds , slightly bigger than the chickadees . Author whatmereadPosted on June 7 , 2017Categories renovationsTags asphalt , carpet , contractors , flooring , improvements , landscaping , rural life , stairs , wildlifeLeave a comment on A work in progress A little break My husband seems to like to spend all his time at the house . The exception is the errands into town . He loves to stack one errand on top of another , so that when I start to go into town to return my library books , say , and go to the grocery store , suddenly he has added on a trip to Walmart ( I hate Walmart ) , a pickup of prescription drugs at Walgreens , and a trip to the hardware store . Every jaunt into town must include at least one trip to the hardware store . Luckily for me , there 's a Dutch Brothers coffee booth right next door and I love their Cocomos , a combination of coffee , coconut milk , and chocolate . There is always a big line at Dutch Brothers , but if it isn 't too bad , I get in the walk - up line while my husband is looking at nuts and bolts next door . This is all a big lead - up to say that I finally got him to take a little drive with me on Sunday . It was a beautiful day . We had one really hot day this weekend during which we actually started up the air conditioning for a few hours and one really beautiful day , during which we had the windows open all day . And then there was yesterday , when it was cold and cloudy all day , never out of the 50 's . I loved all of them . Anyway , we chose to drive to Sunset Falls , which we had not seen yet . The drive was a nice one , southeast farther into the foothills of the Cascades . The falls aren 't spectacular , but they are pretty . Kids were sitting on the rocks over the falls in the middle of the creek ( it looks like a river , but I 'm pretty sure it 's a creek ) , and some of them were jumping off the rocks into the river or going along the bank to a cliff and jumping off there . Twenty years ago I would have been up top sitting on the rocks or wading in the creek , but I don 't think I would have had the nerve to jump off even forty years ago ! It 's not terribly high up , but you could easily hit rocks on the way down . On the contractor front , our general contractor finally came over yesterday and cleared out our basement , so I foresee some busy days of returning to what we had been doing two months ago or so when they messed it all up . We have almost all the bookcases out of the dance room , only three to go . My husband is going to fasten them to the wall because of the kids , and then I can start putting away my books . Finally ! That will free up a lot of room in the dance room so that we can find the rest of our possessions and start organizing the storage in the dance room and garage . As far as our remaining projects go , it looks like what I feared might be coming to pass . We had been waiting to hear from the guys who are going to asphalt our driveway , the guys who are going to install our marmoleum , and the guys who are going to install the carpet on the stairs . Some of these projects have been in limbo for months . I feared that what would happen is they would all want to do their jobs around the same time . That could be a problem if the driveway was being asphalted . And sure enough , we have a provisional start date from the asphalt guys of June 5 and a provisional start date for the marmoleum of June 8 . I 'm not sure how many days the asphalt will take , but this seems too close together . On the other had , both dates are provisional , so I 'm not going to start trying to reschedule anything until at least one date is set . Also , no word from Lowe 's about the carpet since mid - May , when they said it had been shipped . I don 't want to put any of these guys off . We 've been waiting for the carpet since February and the marmoleum since April . And the asphalt guys have the toughest schedule . We recently made a possibly foolhardy purchase . Well , who knows . It 's an interesting one at least . I have been wanting to buy a grill . I used to do about half of my meals on the grill when I was single . That was a standard Weber charcoal grill , and I used it so much it had a hole in the grill top . But when I got married , we decided to try a gas grill . Frankly , I never felt comfortable with it . I never knew if it was heated enough or whether the grill was supposed to have some sort of medium in it , like rocks , or anything like that . Our family has always used charcoal . And my husband is one of the few guys I know that doesn 't grill . ( This used to be one of my dad 's favorite weekend activities . ) Our gas grill ended up being hauled off from our Austin house , where it had been chained to the deck but unused for years and was in horrible condition . Now that we have a lovely deck and some nice deck furniture for dining , I wanted to buy another charcoal grill . I was discussing it with my niece 's husband when he told me about something that 's called a Big Green Egg . A Big Green Egg is a kamado - style grill . I had never heard of these grills before , but most of them are made out of enamel , and you can use them to grill , smoke , or bake . What sold me was the information that you can use them to make tandoori chicken and naan . I was 2 / 3 of the way there after reading about them , although they are expensive for a charcoal grill , but I wanted to see one . That is the difficulty . Our local Ace was supposed to carry them , but apparently they decided they took up too much space in what is a fairly small store . They said they could order one for me , but I wanted to at least look at one first . Then we stopped by Home Despot , which does not carry Big Green Eggs but has several other styles of kamado grills , some of which are less expensive . But they didn 't have even one of them in stock , either . We talked to a helpful guy in the store , who told us where we could see a Big Green Egg just to get a look at a kamado grill . The plan was to look at the Egg and then return to the Home Despot , where he would show us his other kamado grills online and we could order one . It was this kind of informed and guided shopping that I wanted from the store , because I had already read some reviews and looked at all the various grills online . I just wanted to hear what he had to say about them . Well , we went to look at the Big Green Egg , but when we returned to Home Despot , nobody knew who the heck we were talking about , even though we knew his name ( he might have been a manager ) , and if he WAS the manager , he was in a meeting . We stood around and stood around waiting at the service desk , but when I heard they were getting someone from flooring to help us , that 's when I decided to leave . After all , someone from flooring wasn 't going to know any more about the grills than I did . This is a problem with the local Home Despot . In Austin , they had pretty good service , but here , you 're lucky if you can find anyone to talk to . We went right back to the store with the Big Green Eggs . The Big Green Eggs are pricey , but while we were talking to the nice man in the other store , we found out about demo eggs . These eggs are used one time at a Big Green Egg demo in Portland , and then you get one for 25 % off . So , we signed up for one of those . We get our grill , slightly used , on June 25 . I hate to subject you , completely changing the subject , to another picture of our ridge , but lately the rhododendron on the left side of the water feature has bloomed beautifully . I was complaining in early spring that our property didn 't have any color , but it just didn 't have any early color . Now wildflowers are popping up all over the place . First there were some small blue ones on the ridge , but lately there are lots of white ones and some yellow flowers all around the house , maybe buttercups . I need to learn something about wildflowers . Here is part of our ridge now , just a couple weeks after the last picture . You can see some of the white flowers at the base of the rhododendron . We have had several returns of the bunny , one time with a smaller companion , to our drive , where he or she likes to eat the grass in between the bricks . Sadly , that grass is going to be going away soon . Maybe the bunny will stay to eat the grass on our lawn , though . The bunny comes almost every evening now just before dusk . If anyone is still interested in my art class , I finally finished my picture of a cedar waxwing . My sister is still working on her hummingbird , since she missed a class . I guess that means I 'll be doing an exercise in class today . The exercises tend to be tedious , but they are wise to intermix them with the opportunity to draw a picture . I think my next picture is supposed to be of a furry animal . Author whatmereadPosted on May 31 , 2017Categories renovations , UncategorizedTags art class , climate , contractors , flooring , grills , house painting , sightseeing , Sunset Falsl , wildlife4 Comments on A little break Wildlife , silver , another lazy week Today it is cold , but on Monday it was almost 90 degrees . We had the air conditioning on for a few hours for the first time . We have really had some temperature variations lately , but by and large the weather is gorgeous ! We have been seeing lots of birds lately , but we haven 't seen any deer on our property since the first report . We saw one deer at my niece 's house the morning after our first road meeting when we drove all the way down the road to look it it . My niece has remarked that we saw a lot more of the deer before three of our neighbors decided to log their property . There is a lot less cover for them in the neighborhood now . However , a bunny decided to come visit us the other day . The work with our contractors is virtually on hold . Our general contractor wants to finish up his work at the same time as he prepares the floors for the linoleum installation , but it looks like that 's not happening . Two weeks ago the linoleum guy told me a week - and - a - half to two weeks , but now we 're provisionally scheduled for June 8 , so that 's another two weeks to wait . Our contractor says his guys will come out soon to finish the other things up . Our house painting isn 't scheduled before mid - June , and we have heard nothing from the asphalt people , despite leaving them a message asking them for a rough estimate . The road work we 've been discussing with our neighbors will involve tearing up more of our driveway than we anticipated for our asphalting project , as we originally planned to leave the concrete apron . But the idiots who built our house didn 't put a pipe under the apron for drainage , which has been causing a problem on the gravel road for years . So , the guy doing the road work is going to tear off the apron and lay down a pipe and big gravel that the asphalt people can lay asphalt on top of . So , we have just been puttering around the house . I have been whacking away at the grass on the slope behind the house , but the slope is too steep for me to make it all the way up . I 'm now looking for a spry youngster to do it for me . The other project I took care of lately was to polish some old silver that I got from my mother . It was her mother 's . I have plates and bowls and servers and an entire tea service - I doubt if I will ever use it ( well , I use one plain silver pitcher frequently for flowers ) , but I like having it as it is so pretty . I let it get in pretty horrible condition , though , and it probably wasn 't that great when I got it . Here are a before and after picture . The after picture isn 't perfect , but I like a little tarnish on silver . The secret is to not let it get into the condition that I let it get into . I didn 't have a photo to show for this week , so I thought I 'd go out and take another picture of the ridge , so you can see how it 's changed in the past month or so . This first photo is the ridge a few weeks ago , almost exactly a month ago , in fact . You can see that we are still coming out of winter in this picture . The pieris ( the tall plant at top ) has changed from red , which it was all winter , to yellow , and a lot of the bushes look dead . In this second picture , taken today , you can see both the pierises , which I have trimmed , looking a little pinker , the azaleas next to the waterfall ( which is still not falling ) , and the rhododendron beginning to come out on the right . Below the rhododendron is a heather bush , which has looked pretty much like that since we got here , and if you look carefully to the right of the heather , you can see a little silver pieris that I planted a few weeks ago . To the left of the heather and barely visible below the rhododendron is the bird 's nest spruce that we also planted . I think that I have two more rhododendrons that have not yet begun to bloom on the left of the azaleas . They have big buds on them that aren 't visible in this picture . You can see , though , that the foliage in the picture is much greener . Nothing looks dead . However , it still is staying well below normal for this time of year . Highs have been in the 60 's all week and lows still in the 40 's . It 's supposed to get up into the 80 's within the week , though . My understanding is that normally it should be in the 70 's now . Yesterday we had intermittent rain and small hail . We are getting lots of rain this week . I made it outside a couple of times in an attempt to weed - whack the wolf pen and work my way up into the septic field , where we dare not let the vegetation get too bad . But my attempts have been fairly paltry . What we really need is a strong young teenager with a brush cutter . I also took a handful of seed bombs out into the orchard and threw them around . Seed bombs , if you don 't know , are lots of wildflower seeds packed into a ball of mud . You throw them where you want wildflowers to come up , and the rain breaks down the mud ball and spreads the seeds around . My great - niece told me that she and her mother came out last fall and threw some seed bombs around the orchard , too , so with any luck , we 'll have lots of wildflowers in the orchard this year . Other than that , we 've been just puttering around the house . My husband put together his push mower this week and re - mowed the front lawn , but he didn 't make it down to go over the wolf pen where I had weed - whacked . Next dry day , if he doesn 't do it , I will . He also fastened the bookcases that we have moved out into the basement to the wall . We still have three more bookcases to move out before I can start putting away my books , and we will need the contractors to move their stuff out of our basement so that I can have room for my stacks of books . Our marmoleum has been ordered ! I am not sure how long it will be before it is installed . The flooring rep said a week - and - a - half to two weeks , but that was before he 'd checked stock , so it may be longer . This company is being so much more helpful than the last one ! Our carpet is supposed to come in around the same time , and the pavers were provisionally starting our driveway around that time . I hope they don 't all come at once , but I would guess that the pavers will be late because it has continued to be rainy for so long . They had work stacked up from last season that they had to do first , and they probably haven 't had very many days that they could work so far . They said they don 't schedule their work too far out because of the weather , so they will call us about 10 days before they want to start . For the same reason , probably , we haven 't heard a peep from our house painters . Speaking of paving , we had our first neighborhood meeting to discuss the state of the road . It was nice to meet a few more neighbors ( we had only met two up until then ) , but only about half showed up and we weren 't able to decide anything because of a few complications . Next meeting is this Saturday at my niece 's house . We had a sad event at our house on Sunday , which also was my husband 's 71st birthday . His standard poodle , Hans , died . The poor dog had been suffering for some time , but my husband thinks that taking a pet to the vet to be put to sleep is cruel . This issue is a difficult one to resolve . I personally believe that if the pet can 't be saved , letting it suffer is cruel , but we all have to deal with this issue in our own ways . In any case , we were out working in the yard when he died , and we spent the afternoon burying him in the pasture under a hemlock tree . At least he has a nice place to be . After several hours of fooling around with his new riding mower , my husband took off to cut the orchard . For practice , he did our small front lawn and cut down my lilac bush , planted only a few weeks before . I saw him out there , and I thought , he is going to cut down my lilac bush . I saw him pass it safely . I went back to doing the laundry . Less than a minute later , I heard a terrific crunch and looked out to see nothing , that is , no lilac bush . My niece 's husband has been suggesting I put in raised beds in front for flowers . I 'm beginning to think that may be a good idea . In any case , I guess there will be no scent of lilac on our property this year . My husband was only able to cut a sort of circular swath through the orchard . I think the slope of it worried him and he was a little scared of his mower . He also found he could not fit the mower into the wolf pen , so it 's going to have to come down . I have been wanting to take down the wolf pen since we got here , but he thought he might use it for Hans . Needless to say , Hans never set foot in the place . Our tenants , who lived here before we moved here , used it for their goats . Although it is supposed to start raining again for several days starting tomorrow , we have had several gorgeous days in a row . On one of those days , my niece 's husband kindly came over and cut the rest of the orchard . The grass is getting out of control here because we didn 't have a mower and it rained for so long this spring . I weed - whacked part of the side yard and part of the wolf pen , which has grass that is almost up to my waist . Also in the last few days , the azaleas ( I think they 're azaleas ) have bloomed on our ridge . The pieris plants , which were yellow during the winter , turned bright red in early spring , and are now pink . Here is a picture of the azaleas and one pieris next to the waterfall , which is not turned on yet because we need to clean it out . On the flooring front , our contractor found a flooring installer , which I reported last week , and this week he finally returned from vacation and contacted the flooring company . We have already heard from the company representative , who is coming out on Friday to measure . Finally , some movement ! We also finally heard from Lowe 's . As you may ( or may not ) remember , we ordered carpet for the new stairs from them , the same kind as we installed during the winter in the basement . They came back to us in February saying that the carpet was out of production and wouldn 't be available until May . Last week , they called us to say that carpet would be shipped to them on May 15 . I had been worrying that they would call back and say the carpet was no longer available , which , since we were trying to match the downstairs carpet , would have been bad . And although I have moved on from my picture of a flower to another exercise and now to drawing a bird ( a cedar waxwing ) , I have not forgotten my promise to Naomi to take a picture of my first drawing . Here is my flower , in all its glory , or not . I guess it does look like a flower . |
Tag : flooring At last , marmoleum ! Our laundry room in use . The marks in the vinyl won 't come out , and it looks dirty all the time . Our marmoleum is finally all in . The flooring guy came back on Monday to replace the subflooring and finish laying the marmoleum in the laundry room and half bath . Today , our regular contractors will be here to replace the baseboards . On Thursday , I can wash the new marmoleum and we can finally put back the washer and dryer . I guess I 'll be doing laundry this weekend . So , the pictures I have for this week are of the laundry room before and after . You can see how bad the vinyl looked before . It had black marks in it that wouldn 't come out , and it was worn and dirty looking . We 've also had a slight movement forward on the problem of cutting our slope . We have a steepish slope in back of our house from the basement floor down to the pond , with the wolf pen in the middle . It is important to keep it from getting overgrown , as it includes our septic field . I was trying to trim it with our weed whacker , working my way up from the bottom , but as soon as it got too steep , I had to stop . It can 't be cut with the mower until it is trimmed , and in any case , I have my doubts about getting a mower up that slope , although our tenant managed to keep it cut . In this picture , the foxgloves that you can see in the middle are actually almost five feet high , so that gives you an idea of how high the grass is . We have been looking for someone to cut it for several weeks now . Finally , a young guy called last week and said he would be out yesterday . He came , but our contractor had not conveyed to him the information that he needed to bring a brush cutter . We put him to work with our weed whacker , but because it hadn 't been charged up , he soon ran both batteries out of juice . My husband ran up to the hardware store to buy one , but they were sold out . Our yard guy said he could borrow a brush cutter from his uncle , so we had him cut our orchard with the riding mower , and then he went home . I had been working on the orchard with the weed whacker , too , and my husband had taken another swipe at it with the riding mower , but he still feels unsafe on the mower with the slope in the orchard . If you look very carefully at the edge of the wolf pen in the top part of the picture , you can see the small progress the lawn guy made with the weed whacker before the batteries ran out . He is coming today with his uncle 's brush cutter to finish the job . Unfortunately , he 's only a short - term solution , because he is moving away in a couple of weeks to go work in California . And that 's about it . We 've had lovely weather lately . It rained toward the end of last week and during the weekend , but we had a hot one on Monday , and then since then it 's been delightfully chilly at night and cool during the day while still nice and bright out . I would say , perfect weather . The good news for this week is that our asphalt is finished , and it looks really nice ! Everyone who has come up the driveway has commented about it . Our next door neighbors even asked the pavers to come over and give them an estimate while they were here . So , here is a picture of that . One more project finished ! Now on to other news . The flooring guys , as you may remember , wanted to install the marmoleum on the same day that the pavers were here , so we had to put them off . The guy arrived to do the flooring yesterday . The original plan was to lay the marmoleum on top of the existing vinyl , but when the flooring guy started working in the laundry room , he realized that the vinyl wasn 't securely fastened to the floor . You could just lift it up , basically . Even though it had been glued , it hadn 't been glued very well . He also said that he was not allowed to lay the marmoleum on top of the flooring that was underneath it . So , it turned out he was only able to do two of the four areas yesterday . Those were the small toilet area in the master bathroom and the closet . The laundry room and half bath are rescheduled for Monday , when he will come back out and lay a different floor . I had hoped to be able to show before and after pictures , and I still can , but unfortunately the rooms I took pictures of are not the rooms that are " finished . " By " finished , " I mean that we are still waiting for the toilet to be reinstalled and the baseboards put back . As you can see from the picture above , the old vinyl looks all worn and dirty even after it has been washed . The after picture here is of a different room , and the marmoleum hasn 't even been washed yet ( you can 't wash it for three days after it is laid ) , but you can see how much better it looks . Now , the carpet . Just to recap , we laid carpet in our basement in December and then we replaced the scary spiral staircase with a regular one in February . We went back and ordered the same carpet for the stairs and the landing in late February or early March . We have been waiting for it since then . Our ship date for the carpet was early May , and then it got changed to mid - May . In mid - May , I understood my husband to tell me that Lowe 's had called and told us the carpet was shipped . But by last week we still hadn 't heard back from them . I finally called them on Friday . Of course , they had no record of that last call , and my husband could have misunderstood what they said . Perhaps they called to report the new ship date not to report the carpet had been shipped . So , Lowe 's called the mill ( Lowe 's had apparently completely forgotten about our order ) . They called back to say that the mill is having trouble producing the carpet and is going to discontinue it . They say they 'll honor the back orders , and we have a new ship date of June 30 . But the flooring person from Lowe 's warned me that they had this happen once before , and the mill cancelled the order . I have a friend telling me the carpet probably won 't match anyway , but there isn 't so much as a threshold separating the old carpet from where the new carpet will be , so installing the same stuff seemed like my best bet . I am not sure what I 'll do if they call back and say we can 't get the carpet at all . I could try for the same texture and pull out one of the colors in the carpet ( which is a speckled mixture of beige and blue and some other colors ) , or I could install something completely different . Or I could put something else at the landing , maybe wood , and a different carpet coming down the stairs , so that the two carpets don 't meet . I hope they will at least give me a definite answer by the end of the month , either ship the carpet or cancel but don 't put me off again . Author whatmereadPosted on June 14 , 2017Categories renovationsTags asphalt , carpet , contractors , flooring , improvements , renovations , stairs2 Comments on One step forward , two back A work in progress The excitement around here this week is all centered around the driveway . Our pavers did show up on Monday . Up until Saturday , we just had a provisional start date from them . They had originally told us that they didn 't schedule very far out because of the weather . But they were here bright and early on Monday . This was a project that I was against when we first moved here . Our driveway is made of diamond - shaped bricks in two tracks , one for each wheel . I loved the rural look of it with the grass growing through the diamonds . However , during the winter , with all the rain and the trucks coming up and missing the tracks , it turned into a mud pit , and it still has ruts in it and bricks that are out of place . I had to admit that paving the driveway seemed to be a very practical idea . I meant to take a picture of it before the guys started , but I forgot , so my first picture is of the top of the driveway , when they hadn 't yet dug out the bricks . It doesn 't show the mess that the driveway had become , just the nice part of it , because they had already dug up the bricks in the messy part . It turns out the driveway bricks were held in position by rebar , sticking up straight out of the ground , which the pavers had to pull out of the driveway , piece by piece . They even put rebar in the side parking area ( which was where we found it first ) , which didn 't have the bricks but instead large chunks of brown gravel . Because the people who put in the parking area had first covered the grass with plastic , the parking area didn 't drain properly and got all churned up over the winter . We are paving that , too , as well as the lower drive . When we moved here , the movers had mixed success with getting down that drive . Now there shouldn 't be a problem . Here is the driveway with gravel on it . The arc of grass to the right is in front of our house . The area to the left is the bottom of our ridge . The guys are planning to finish today , but I took a picture of the driveway in mid - progress , with lovely gravel . I actually might have preferred a gravel driveway , but I know that my niece and her husband asphalted their driveway a year or so ago because every winter their gravel got washed down into the road . We probably would have had the same problem . Of course , just as I feared , the flooring guy was planning to lay the marmoleum tomorrow . That would mean that our contractors would have to be able to get in today to yank the sinks and toilets in the bathrooms . But of course , they can 't , and the asphalt is not supposed to be driven on for a day , so we had to reschedule . So far , I don 't know when that will be . Nor have I heard at all from the carpeting people . Once these guys get out of here and we have a date for the marmoleum , I guess I need to call the carpet guys . We have been waiting for the carpet to come in since February , and it was supposed to have arrived at the end of May . I am also still trying to find someone to whack down our back slope . Once we get it whacked down the first time , we should be able to maintain it with the push mower , or if we can find someone , we can just get them to whack it down several times over the summer . No luck so far , and pretty soon the grass is going to be over my head . I see some spears of foxglove growing in it , too . Very pretty . Our contractor came out late last week and removed his junk from our basement and outside the house . I would be working at putting away my books if I wasn 't waiting for my husband to fasten the bookcases to the wall first . He has promised to do it this week . I feel like everything I could do is on hold . This one job would allow us to move forward in a big way , but as I 've mentioned before , I have never figured out a way to motivate him to get something done . Right now , he has several projects in progress . The wolf pen is partway down . The parts for fastening the bookcases to the wall are there , but no work is done . The seat of our new outdoor dining chair that he broke by slamming his butt down into it is on the table with the glue sitting next to it . The table and the counter that he said he 'd clear off are halfway empty but are starting to accumulate junk ( all his ) again . He bought a blind to cover our bedroom sliding glass door but never even started putting it up ( good , because I don 't want it over the windows - it is too big ) . The shed thing that is in the space where my garden needs to go is still sitting there waiting to be taken down , and after that my above - ground garden boxes need to be made . ( My niece 's husband said he would do that , though , so it will get done . ) He cut the orchard grass once , and after the guys get their trucks out of the orchard , I suspect I 'll be the one cutting it from now on . That 's how life is around here . I am missing my bird book , because the birds around here are different from the ones we saw in Texas . At first , our bird feeder seemed to be attracting only chickadees ( and our hummingbird feeder hummingbirds , of course ) , but lately , I have managed to identify a couple of birds I 've never seen before , using the app whatbird . One of them is the Smith 's longspur , which is quite a pretty bird and loves the suet feeder . The other one looks like a black - capped or California or black - tailed gnatcatcher , but the range for all three of these birds is the southwestern United States . I am only a novice bird identifier , but I couldn 't find another bird that looked like these , with a black head , a gray body and light gray tummy . They are small birds , slightly bigger than the chickadees . Author whatmereadPosted on June 7 , 2017Categories renovationsTags asphalt , carpet , contractors , flooring , improvements , landscaping , rural life , stairs , wildlifeLeave a comment on A work in progress A little break My husband seems to like to spend all his time at the house . The exception is the errands into town . He loves to stack one errand on top of another , so that when I start to go into town to return my library books , say , and go to the grocery store , suddenly he has added on a trip to Walmart ( I hate Walmart ) , a pickup of prescription drugs at Walgreens , and a trip to the hardware store . Every jaunt into town must include at least one trip to the hardware store . Luckily for me , there 's a Dutch Brothers coffee booth right next door and I love their Cocomos , a combination of coffee , coconut milk , and chocolate . There is always a big line at Dutch Brothers , but if it isn 't too bad , I get in the walk - up line while my husband is looking at nuts and bolts next door . This is all a big lead - up to say that I finally got him to take a little drive with me on Sunday . It was a beautiful day . We had one really hot day this weekend during which we actually started up the air conditioning for a few hours and one really beautiful day , during which we had the windows open all day . And then there was yesterday , when it was cold and cloudy all day , never out of the 50 's . I loved all of them . Anyway , we chose to drive to Sunset Falls , which we had not seen yet . The drive was a nice one , southeast farther into the foothills of the Cascades . The falls aren 't spectacular , but they are pretty . Kids were sitting on the rocks over the falls in the middle of the creek ( it looks like a river , but I 'm pretty sure it 's a creek ) , and some of them were jumping off the rocks into the river or going along the bank to a cliff and jumping off there . Twenty years ago I would have been up top sitting on the rocks or wading in the creek , but I don 't think I would have had the nerve to jump off even forty years ago ! It 's not terribly high up , but you could easily hit rocks on the way down . On the contractor front , our general contractor finally came over yesterday and cleared out our basement , so I foresee some busy days of returning to what we had been doing two months ago or so when they messed it all up . We have almost all the bookcases out of the dance room , only three to go . My husband is going to fasten them to the wall because of the kids , and then I can start putting away my books . Finally ! That will free up a lot of room in the dance room so that we can find the rest of our possessions and start organizing the storage in the dance room and garage . As far as our remaining projects go , it looks like what I feared might be coming to pass . We had been waiting to hear from the guys who are going to asphalt our driveway , the guys who are going to install our marmoleum , and the guys who are going to install the carpet on the stairs . Some of these projects have been in limbo for months . I feared that what would happen is they would all want to do their jobs around the same time . That could be a problem if the driveway was being asphalted . And sure enough , we have a provisional start date from the asphalt guys of June 5 and a provisional start date for the marmoleum of June 8 . I 'm not sure how many days the asphalt will take , but this seems too close together . On the other had , both dates are provisional , so I 'm not going to start trying to reschedule anything until at least one date is set . Also , no word from Lowe 's about the carpet since mid - May , when they said it had been shipped . I don 't want to put any of these guys off . We 've been waiting for the carpet since February and the marmoleum since April . And the asphalt guys have the toughest schedule . We recently made a possibly foolhardy purchase . Well , who knows . It 's an interesting one at least . I have been wanting to buy a grill . I used to do about half of my meals on the grill when I was single . That was a standard Weber charcoal grill , and I used it so much it had a hole in the grill top . But when I got married , we decided to try a gas grill . Frankly , I never felt comfortable with it . I never knew if it was heated enough or whether the grill was supposed to have some sort of medium in it , like rocks , or anything like that . Our family has always used charcoal . And my husband is one of the few guys I know that doesn 't grill . ( This used to be one of my dad 's favorite weekend activities . ) Our gas grill ended up being hauled off from our Austin house , where it had been chained to the deck but unused for years and was in horrible condition . Now that we have a lovely deck and some nice deck furniture for dining , I wanted to buy another charcoal grill . I was discussing it with my niece 's husband when he told me about something that 's called a Big Green Egg . A Big Green Egg is a kamado - style grill . I had never heard of these grills before , but most of them are made out of enamel , and you can use them to grill , smoke , or bake . What sold me was the information that you can use them to make tandoori chicken and naan . I was 2 / 3 of the way there after reading about them , although they are expensive for a charcoal grill , but I wanted to see one . That is the difficulty . Our local Ace was supposed to carry them , but apparently they decided they took up too much space in what is a fairly small store . They said they could order one for me , but I wanted to at least look at one first . Then we stopped by Home Despot , which does not carry Big Green Eggs but has several other styles of kamado grills , some of which are less expensive . But they didn 't have even one of them in stock , either . We talked to a helpful guy in the store , who told us where we could see a Big Green Egg just to get a look at a kamado grill . The plan was to look at the Egg and then return to the Home Despot , where he would show us his other kamado grills online and we could order one . It was this kind of informed and guided shopping that I wanted from the store , because I had already read some reviews and looked at all the various grills online . I just wanted to hear what he had to say about them . Well , we went to look at the Big Green Egg , but when we returned to Home Despot , nobody knew who the heck we were talking about , even though we knew his name ( he might have been a manager ) , and if he WAS the manager , he was in a meeting . We stood around and stood around waiting at the service desk , but when I heard they were getting someone from flooring to help us , that 's when I decided to leave . After all , someone from flooring wasn 't going to know any more about the grills than I did . This is a problem with the local Home Despot . In Austin , they had pretty good service , but here , you 're lucky if you can find anyone to talk to . We went right back to the store with the Big Green Eggs . The Big Green Eggs are pricey , but while we were talking to the nice man in the other store , we found out about demo eggs . These eggs are used one time at a Big Green Egg demo in Portland , and then you get one for 25 % off . So , we signed up for one of those . We get our grill , slightly used , on June 25 . I hate to subject you , completely changing the subject , to another picture of our ridge , but lately the rhododendron on the left side of the water feature has bloomed beautifully . I was complaining in early spring that our property didn 't have any color , but it just didn 't have any early color . Now wildflowers are popping up all over the place . First there were some small blue ones on the ridge , but lately there are lots of white ones and some yellow flowers all around the house , maybe buttercups . I need to learn something about wildflowers . Here is part of our ridge now , just a couple weeks after the last picture . You can see some of the white flowers at the base of the rhododendron . We have had several returns of the bunny , one time with a smaller companion , to our drive , where he or she likes to eat the grass in between the bricks . Sadly , that grass is going to be going away soon . Maybe the bunny will stay to eat the grass on our lawn , though . The bunny comes almost every evening now just before dusk . If anyone is still interested in my art class , I finally finished my picture of a cedar waxwing . My sister is still working on her hummingbird , since she missed a class . I guess that means I 'll be doing an exercise in class today . The exercises tend to be tedious , but they are wise to intermix them with the opportunity to draw a picture . I think my next picture is supposed to be of a furry animal . Author whatmereadPosted on May 31 , 2017Categories renovations , UncategorizedTags art class , climate , contractors , flooring , grills , house painting , sightseeing , Sunset Falsl , wildlife4 Comments on A little break Wildlife , silver , another lazy week Today it is cold , but on Monday it was almost 90 degrees . We had the air conditioning on for a few hours for the first time . We have really had some temperature variations lately , but by and large the weather is gorgeous ! We have been seeing lots of birds lately , but we haven 't seen any deer on our property since the first report . We saw one deer at my niece 's house the morning after our first road meeting when we drove all the way down the road to look it it . My niece has remarked that we saw a lot more of the deer before three of our neighbors decided to log their property . There is a lot less cover for them in the neighborhood now . However , a bunny decided to come visit us the other day . The work with our contractors is virtually on hold . Our general contractor wants to finish up his work at the same time as he prepares the floors for the linoleum installation , but it looks like that 's not happening . Two weeks ago the linoleum guy told me a week - and - a - half to two weeks , but now we 're provisionally scheduled for June 8 , so that 's another two weeks to wait . Our contractor says his guys will come out soon to finish the other things up . Our house painting isn 't scheduled before mid - June , and we have heard nothing from the asphalt people , despite leaving them a message asking them for a rough estimate . The road work we 've been discussing with our neighbors will involve tearing up more of our driveway than we anticipated for our asphalting project , as we originally planned to leave the concrete apron . But the idiots who built our house didn 't put a pipe under the apron for drainage , which has been causing a problem on the gravel road for years . So , the guy doing the road work is going to tear off the apron and lay down a pipe and big gravel that the asphalt people can lay asphalt on top of . So , we have just been puttering around the house . I have been whacking away at the grass on the slope behind the house , but the slope is too steep for me to make it all the way up . I 'm now looking for a spry youngster to do it for me . The other project I took care of lately was to polish some old silver that I got from my mother . It was her mother 's . I have plates and bowls and servers and an entire tea service - I doubt if I will ever use it ( well , I use one plain silver pitcher frequently for flowers ) , but I like having it as it is so pretty . I let it get in pretty horrible condition , though , and it probably wasn 't that great when I got it . Here are a before and after picture . The after picture isn 't perfect , but I like a little tarnish on silver . The secret is to not let it get into the condition that I let it get into . I didn 't have a photo to show for this week , so I thought I 'd go out and take another picture of the ridge , so you can see how it 's changed in the past month or so . This first photo is the ridge a few weeks ago , almost exactly a month ago , in fact . You can see that we are still coming out of winter in this picture . The pieris ( the tall plant at top ) has changed from red , which it was all winter , to yellow , and a lot of the bushes look dead . In this second picture , taken today , you can see both the pierises , which I have trimmed , looking a little pinker , the azaleas next to the waterfall ( which is still not falling ) , and the rhododendron beginning to come out on the right . Below the rhododendron is a heather bush , which has looked pretty much like that since we got here , and if you look carefully to the right of the heather , you can see a little silver pieris that I planted a few weeks ago . To the left of the heather and barely visible below the rhododendron is the bird 's nest spruce that we also planted . I think that I have two more rhododendrons that have not yet begun to bloom on the left of the azaleas . They have big buds on them that aren 't visible in this picture . You can see , though , that the foliage in the picture is much greener . Nothing looks dead . However , it still is staying well below normal for this time of year . Highs have been in the 60 's all week and lows still in the 40 's . It 's supposed to get up into the 80 's within the week , though . My understanding is that normally it should be in the 70 's now . Yesterday we had intermittent rain and small hail . We are getting lots of rain this week . I made it outside a couple of times in an attempt to weed - whack the wolf pen and work my way up into the septic field , where we dare not let the vegetation get too bad . But my attempts have been fairly paltry . What we really need is a strong young teenager with a brush cutter . I also took a handful of seed bombs out into the orchard and threw them around . Seed bombs , if you don 't know , are lots of wildflower seeds packed into a ball of mud . You throw them where you want wildflowers to come up , and the rain breaks down the mud ball and spreads the seeds around . My great - niece told me that she and her mother came out last fall and threw some seed bombs around the orchard , too , so with any luck , we 'll have lots of wildflowers in the orchard this year . Other than that , we 've been just puttering around the house . My husband put together his push mower this week and re - mowed the front lawn , but he didn 't make it down to go over the wolf pen where I had weed - whacked . Next dry day , if he doesn 't do it , I will . He also fastened the bookcases that we have moved out into the basement to the wall . We still have three more bookcases to move out before I can start putting away my books , and we will need the contractors to move their stuff out of our basement so that I can have room for my stacks of books . Our marmoleum has been ordered ! I am not sure how long it will be before it is installed . The flooring rep said a week - and - a - half to two weeks , but that was before he 'd checked stock , so it may be longer . This company is being so much more helpful than the last one ! Our carpet is supposed to come in around the same time , and the pavers were provisionally starting our driveway around that time . I hope they don 't all come at once , but I would guess that the pavers will be late because it has continued to be rainy for so long . They had work stacked up from last season that they had to do first , and they probably haven 't had very many days that they could work so far . They said they don 't schedule their work too far out because of the weather , so they will call us about 10 days before they want to start . For the same reason , probably , we haven 't heard a peep from our house painters . Speaking of paving , we had our first neighborhood meeting to discuss the state of the road . It was nice to meet a few more neighbors ( we had only met two up until then ) , but only about half showed up and we weren 't able to decide anything because of a few complications . Next meeting is this Saturday at my niece 's house . We had a sad event at our house on Sunday , which also was my husband 's 71st birthday . His standard poodle , Hans , died . The poor dog had been suffering for some time , but my husband thinks that taking a pet to the vet to be put to sleep is cruel . This issue is a difficult one to resolve . I personally believe that if the pet can 't be saved , letting it suffer is cruel , but we all have to deal with this issue in our own ways . In any case , we were out working in the yard when he died , and we spent the afternoon burying him in the pasture under a hemlock tree . At least he has a nice place to be . After several hours of fooling around with his new riding mower , my husband took off to cut the orchard . For practice , he did our small front lawn and cut down my lilac bush , planted only a few weeks before . I saw him out there , and I thought , he is going to cut down my lilac bush . I saw him pass it safely . I went back to doing the laundry . Less than a minute later , I heard a terrific crunch and looked out to see nothing , that is , no lilac bush . My niece 's husband has been suggesting I put in raised beds in front for flowers . I 'm beginning to think that may be a good idea . In any case , I guess there will be no scent of lilac on our property this year . My husband was only able to cut a sort of circular swath through the orchard . I think the slope of it worried him and he was a little scared of his mower . He also found he could not fit the mower into the wolf pen , so it 's going to have to come down . I have been wanting to take down the wolf pen since we got here , but he thought he might use it for Hans . Needless to say , Hans never set foot in the place . Our tenants , who lived here before we moved here , used it for their goats . Although it is supposed to start raining again for several days starting tomorrow , we have had several gorgeous days in a row . On one of those days , my niece 's husband kindly came over and cut the rest of the orchard . The grass is getting out of control here because we didn 't have a mower and it rained for so long this spring . I weed - whacked part of the side yard and part of the wolf pen , which has grass that is almost up to my waist . Also in the last few days , the azaleas ( I think they 're azaleas ) have bloomed on our ridge . The pieris plants , which were yellow during the winter , turned bright red in early spring , and are now pink . Here is a picture of the azaleas and one pieris next to the waterfall , which is not turned on yet because we need to clean it out . On the flooring front , our contractor found a flooring installer , which I reported last week , and this week he finally returned from vacation and contacted the flooring company . We have already heard from the company representative , who is coming out on Friday to measure . Finally , some movement ! We also finally heard from Lowe 's . As you may ( or may not ) remember , we ordered carpet for the new stairs from them , the same kind as we installed during the winter in the basement . They came back to us in February saying that the carpet was out of production and wouldn 't be available until May . Last week , they called us to say that carpet would be shipped to them on May 15 . I had been worrying that they would call back and say the carpet was no longer available , which , since we were trying to match the downstairs carpet , would have been bad . And although I have moved on from my picture of a flower to another exercise and now to drawing a bird ( a cedar waxwing ) , I have not forgotten my promise to Naomi to take a picture of my first drawing . Here is my flower , in all its glory , or not . I guess it does look like a flower . |
In late September , the monarchs flew away . I wanted to paint them . Instead , I rode in Kathy 's blue convertible and winced each time their orange and black wings burst on the windshield . As she drove , she adjusted the radio and asked what I wanted for lunch . I finally understood her : she couldn 't feel pain in wings she didn 't have . Our destination , Melissa 's house , was our favorite meeting place as children . The five of us - Kathy , Melissa , Rachel , Allison , and me - used to congregate in the front lawn under the maples . Around roots thicker than our arms , we dug holes with rusted shovels . Then we filled the pits with water and stirred , pretending to make witches ' brew . The rest of us tossed in weeds and pinecones , but Rachel insisted on sacrifices . After capturing mantises , crickets , and grasshoppers , she decapitated them then tore off their legs and cast the pieces in . The precision of her killing amazed me , and now she wants to be a surgeon . Under the maples , the five of us had one dream , to live together and grow very long hair . Nothing changed . First , we were girls dreaming women 's dreams . Then we were women remembering our childhood . All I wanted was to see those maples again . I thought one glimpse of their height and the shadow lands under their leaves would convince me a little magic from our childhood survived . " Melissa wants to cut her hair , " Kathy said . I looked at the strawberry - blonde curls cascading past Kathy 's shoulders . " Why on Earth ? " I asked . The maples were dying ; their leaves lost in webs tent worms spun as they devoured . Dead leaves crumbled under the force of wind and insects dancing . Black - faced worms gyrated , their furry bodies slinking and rising . Their webs were held together by a syrupy residue just as filth will bond human hair . No one had bothered to stop them from spreading . The wind rose up , and a monarch flew into my scattered hair . I flicked it away and pulled the hair out of my eyes . " Why did you kill that butterfly ? " Kathy asked . Rachel ran out onto the lawn with Melissa close behind her . When the four of us hugged , our hair tangled together . When we separated , we were still pulling strands out of our eyes . We looked at the dying maples for the last time and couldn 't leave fast enough . We formed a caravan to the house Allison 's father had bought for us . It was close to campus , and Allison waited for us there . The house was newly decorated in pink and green , more than large enough for the five of us , and equipped with picture windows , a columnar porch , and bare walls to hang my paintings on . The neighbors ' children welcomed us after we settled into our new home . They brought casseroles their mothers had baked , and Allison wanted to give them something in return . She broke out a package of store - bought chocolate - chip cookies but couldn 't decide what to serve them on . Her first thought was the children might break her new dishes . Her second was that if she served the cookies in a dog - food bowl no one would notice . But I did . Knowing what Allison had done , how could I blame myself ? The cookie incident above all others assured me it wasn 't my fault . We were lonely . Our beautiful house was spacious , empty . Our families were far away from us . At first , we cleaned the house until it gave off a white , sterile glow , but all that work was just affection wasted on glass cleaner and furniture polish . The windows could only shine so much . We needed something to take care of , something to call our own . I don 't know who first mentioned we should adopt pets . Looking back , I believe it was probably Allison 's idea . I know it wasn 't mine . I hated animals , the smell of wet fur , fleas , jagged teeth that bite . But now I believe lonely women are the most dangerous creatures . After what we 've been through , I should know . I filled our windowsills with foliage of all kinds : rubber plants , parrot plants , pink splashes , daisies . Any leafy creature that required indirect light and matched our color scheme would do . The plants made the house come alive . They breathed . They rustled . They took only sun from the windows and water from a pail , and they survived . I was particularly fond of my red daisy . When it grew its first bud , I suddenly understood what Redon saw when he drew A Flower with a Child 's Face . On instinct , I almost took the daisy with me . But when it came time for vacation , I had places to go . Melissa and Rachel stayed home . " We 'll water the plants for you , " Melissa said . When I came back a week later , all the plants were dead . My daisy 's stem was twisted . The leaves were withered . The roots were black . The tiny face of the bud , looking up to sun when I left , now looked to the soil . " Over here , " I said to Rachel while holding the dead flower over the trash . Next Allison bought blue - green fish that looked pink and metallic when they caught the light . They were beautiful but would kill one another if they lived together in the same bowl . Allison eventually refused to change their water . Rachel thought the fish were stupid - - always still , never dancing . I wasn 't surprised the night Melissa went out to dump them into a pond . Only the determined look on her face frightened me . Later , she told me she thought the fish would survive . Then my friends , mourning their wasted affections , sought out colorful birds . At first , I was impressed . They even taught their birds to say a few phrases , but Allison was frustrated because her parrot couldn 't say her name . When it eventually said " Melissa , " she was furious . Later , the birds proved to be tedious by nature - hollow bones , tiny brains . As Rachel put it , " never strong enough to truly love you . " I watched in amusement when Melissa went out to the backyard to " set the birds free . " Their wings were clipped and they couldn 't fly , but this didn 't stop her from trying . She opened the cage doors but couldn 't understand why the birds didn 't rush out . Just as Melissa was about to give up , Rachel ran out to help her . One by one , she tossed the birds up into the air . They tried to fly but found themselves stranded on tree branches . " Why don 't you just give them away ? " I shouted out the window . They loaded the birds into Kathy 's car and went from door to door . But no one would take them . Finally , Kathy said , " I 'll take care of them . " I kept wondering what she did with them . Suddenly , they just disappeared , cages and all . About a week later , I heard a strange sound coming from the basement . The light wouldn 't come on . So in the dark , I walked down the concrete steps and found the birds at the bottom - starving , starving . The sound ? Wings beating on the cages , shrill cries , bird songs . But I 'll never forget the voice of Allison 's parrot calling , " Melissa , Melissa . . . " over and over and over again . I don 't know how long I stayed at the bottom of the dark basement listening . I just remember Kathy coming down to lead me away . When we reached the top of the stairs , it was morning . " Don 't worry . I 'll take care of it , " she said . After that , the birds truly did disappear . Late one evening , the five of us stayed up talking about plants , fish , cats , dogs , and birds . We lingered on death , but no one mentioned murder . " You realize none of this was my fault ? " I asked . Somewhere between night and morning , we decided that children were really the ideal thing - cuddly , affectionate , able to whisper and shout , so responsive to their own names , so in need of love ; in short , so human . But we were much too young and carefree to consider motherhood , or so we thought . ( Our friends who already had children had just that - children and nothing else . ) We thought the logical move would be to look for pets more like ourselves . The more human characteristics a creature had , the more valuable it was to us . But that was the trouble . Not even the most expensive , most discriminating pet shops carried animals with the intelligence and sensitivity we desired . Soon we found other markets . Or rather , they found us when we took out loans , mortgaged our vehicles , signed up for more credit cards . We drove to exotic - animal farms where we met skinny men with gleaming eyes and amazing suntans . No one bothered to ask questions . We just looked through cages at beautiful creatures that smelled of death . When we found an animal we adored , the men named their price and flashed gold - toothed smiles . We paid and paid them , placing crumpled bills in their dusty palms . Then we drove away , hoping our precious creatures would survive the journey home . Melissa acquired a giant yellow bird with green tail feathers and brown eyes framed by what looked like a woman 's lashes brushed with mascara . She said the bird winked at her , and she couldn 't resist . It had an amazing vocabulary when she bought it . Although its words rarely made sense , she planned to teach it a song . Rachel had purchased a miniature , melon - colored frog . The smiling men made her promise never to take it out of the jar because its skin leaked poison . But she wanted to hold it anyway because its front legs ended in what looked like the soft ivory fingers of an infant . " Oh , don 't do it , Rachel . You really shouldn 't , " Kathy said to her . Allison 's white monkey Peeper was the most expensive purchase , the most willful animal , and the hardest to control . We all wanted him , but Allison was the only one who could afford him . Peeper was worth the money because he was childlike . His tail ended in a black tip that matched the color of his eyes . Every now and then , he covered those eyes with hands that looked so human I wanted to hold them . But he refused to stand still long enough for us to catch him . Like a naughty little boy , he tied our hair in knots . The very first night he spent at our house , he crawled out an open window . We never saw him again . I wasn 't going to buy anything , but as we were leaving the last exotic - animal farm one of the men unloaded a plant with long , fine red petals swaying . The delicate petals reminded me of a woman 's hair tossed by the wind . The men called it a sensitive plant . The leaves were arranged in patterns of five . When I touched them , they wrapped around one of my fingers like a gossamer fist closing . The yellow center of the petals was spotted blue and brown . The colors made a design that looked like lips and eyes . A womanflower , maybe its peaceful face was just an illusion of color patterns , but it was more than I had hoped for . We spent many pleasant mornings on our porch . Melissa showed off her bird , obediently sitting on her shoulder and singing " Silent Night . " But once when a bobwhite cried out from the trees , the golden bird beat its wings so rapidly that Melissa 's lips bled . She screamed , and I 'll never forget the shadow her giant bird cast as it flew away from her . Our final journey to replace our lost pets was different from our previous journeys . An anonymous caller told Allison about a seller who had discovered a new breed . For the first time , we traveled toward one man and no exotic farm . " Oh , we might as well . Just to see what he has , " Allison said . " We 've already come all this way . There 's really nothing left to lose . " When he looked at us , I imagined what he saw - designer clothes . The five of us were full of our parents ' money , strutting down the streets of a strange and crowded city . He was leading us into the poorer neighborhoods . We were ready for adventure , ready to believe anything that got us what we wanted . I caught no mockery in anything he said , no treachery in his blue eyes appraising . When he spoke , he whispered nervously . Only the left half of his mouth was moving . Outside a small house , I watched as the old man led my friends away . Melissa occasionally looked back at me , and I feared for her safe return . But there was no reasoning , nothing I could do to stop them . When it came time , Allison was not waiting in the front as she had promised . So , I reached into my purse and grabbed my pearl - handled nail file as if it could save us all . I knocked on the apartment door . When no one answered , I let myself in . I heard a scream below me and ran down a concrete staircase to find out where the scream had come from . Clutching my nail file tight , I stumbled and almost fell several times . I could hear animals whimpering and smell their terror . When I reached the bottom of the staircase , I saw Rachel laughing and holding her checkbook . The breeder was beside her . " So how do I pay you ? We want those baby doggies . Oh please , can we take them to a good home . But I don 't have much cash on me , " Rachel said . " We 'll talk later , " Rachel said through clinched teeth . Turning to the old man , she said , " What 's it going to be ? " " What do you have on you ? " he asked . The smell of animals grew stronger with the smell of urine , the smell of rot , the smell of neglect . What did Rachel say to the old man , " baby doggies " ? " Doggies ? " We already tried " doggies . " We didn 't like them . I thought we had moved on to more interesting creatures . However , I was curious to find out what new breed my friends had so madly fallen in love with . One by one , Rachel pulled her rings off with considerable effort . She tried to be swift about the deed but couldn 't . A silver ring with a large purple stone caught on her right hand 's middle finger . She was still attempting to loosen it when I ran into the next room where Allison , Kathy , and Melissa were saying , " Oh , oh , come here ! " They went on , not realizing I was there . I went deeper into the little room that was just concrete floors , concrete walls , concrete ceilings , neon lights buzzing , no windows . But I still couldn 't see the animals . Allison , Kathy , and Melissa were crowded around them in a half - circle of admiration . The animals were apparently backed up against the wall . When I broke through their little circle , nothing could have prepared me for what I saw . The animal they fed was no dog . It was a little blonde - haired girl . She had blue eyes and must have been only three or four years old . Her clothes were rags . Allison tried to give her more food , but she was too shy to take it . So , Allison put it on the floor beside her , and she garbed it up . Such a lithe creature ! She turned away from us and hid her face in the wall as she devoured scraps not fit for a dog . Then she turned back around for more . Her eyes met mine and she crawled toward me . I 'm not the one who believed him , but I allowed my friends to purchase the boy and the girl . At that moment , my only intention was to get them out of the filth . Determined to have no part in my friends ' madness , I ignored the children . But during the ride home , the little girl would sit only with me . She ignored Melissa . She whimpered when Rachel touched her . She ran from Allison . She flinched when Kathy patted her head and refused the company of her brother . We didn 't even bother to name them . From the first , they were just " the boy " and " the girl . " I never cared for the boy . He was the wild one , knocking over chairs , begging for our dinners , licking our hands . My friends adored him . However , they were disappointed by the girl . Rachel complained she was too calm , too quiet . For six months , I watched the news to listen for kidnappings . No child lost or stolen fit the description of our dog - children . And they became more like animals every day . I began to think maybe the old man had accomplished something amazing . The dog - children could do things normal children couldn 't . Nothing could account for their instincts and speed . They had the ability to hear sounds long before we could . And the things normal children could do , they couldn 't - for instance , speaking , reasoning , understanding . And to my surprise they grew much faster than children . Isn 't one year to a human the same as seven to a dog ? Maybe they grew so fast because we fed them and when we found them they were starving , starving . From the beginning , I knew the girl was a better creature than the boy . If I left my paintbrushes scattered on the floor , she straightened them in a line . My exotic flower fascinated her . She touched its stems and blew on its petals . The leaves grasped her slender fingers . However , she understood not to touch the plant without my consent . One evening , she watched me paint . I dropped my pallet on the floor , and she handed the palette back to me . When I looked down at her , she was using the spilled paint to color her own picture . The image looked like trees , rainbows , stars , and smiling faces . From that moment on , I knew I had to protect the girl . At night she and I sat alone in my room . I tried to teach her to speak . I said short words like " sun " or " star " over and over again . She watched attentively then moved her lips , but no words came out . Walking was more difficult . I pulled her up under her shoulders , and she moved her legs . But she couldn 't support herself because her legs were twisted from crawling and wouldn 't straighten . Every now and then Rachel came into the room and said , " Teaching your dog tricks again ? The boy can leap over the sofa and roll down the stairs in a ball . What can she do ? We should have left her where we found her . " One night Allison and I left the dog - children alone so we could walk at the park . We admired the city lights reflecting on the pond 's still surface . We waded out into the waters up to our ankles but were afraid to go deeper because the black waters mirrored the night sky and we couldn 't see our toes . Then we heard a sound like a wounded animal making its way through the fallen leaves . The sound became louder . The animal moved closer . We put our shoes on without tying the laces and ran toward the car . We were half way there when we found the boy sitting in the middle of our path . I couldn 't stand to look at him . Allison tried to comb the hair out of his eyes , but he was in no mood for affection . He clawed her arms with the sharp nails he refused to let us trim . We were silent on the way home . Of course , we both knew what it meant . The park was at least a mile away from the house , and the boy had tracked us there . At home we found the girl whimpering under the kitchen table . The boy ran circles and circles around the living room . The food bowls were empty , and I went to fill them . Allison stopped me and said , " No , we have to punish them . " " That 's not the point , " Allison said , hurling the empty bowl at the running boy . The bowl hit him on the ear , and he turned around . He moved toward Allison . She took a step back behind me and closed her eyes . The room was silent until the girl broke the awkward moment by howling . Allison chased the girl and the boy into the dark basement . From then on , we never opened the windows , and whenever I left the house the girl stood in my studio doorway . At first , I thought she was waiting for me . Then I realized she was guarding the door . If no one was watching , the boy ran for the sensitive plant . The girl did her best to keep him away from it . For the first time in our lives , we knew fear . My friends no longer liked the boy . He bit them . His teeth were like razors slipping on their legs or shattered glass penetrating their fingers . Everything changed the night he bit me . I was eating French fries and watching television . Occasionally , I gave the girl a piece of my dinner . I didn 't feed her because she reminded me of a desperate animal . Rather , I fed her because she never begged . The boy was different . He whimpered , pawed , and ran circles around me . I couldn 't forgive him for disturbing my dinner . So , every time he came near , I pushed him away from my plate . The last time I decided to push him harder . I heard his neck pop . Then he growled and sunk his teeth into my hand . I screamed for him to let go . He wouldn 't . I called to Rachel , Allison , Melissa , and Kathy to help me . They didn 't . When I saw my torn skin hanging and the blood seeping out from his mouth , I decided the boy and the girl weren 't human . Suddenly , the old man was eccentric but a genius . We were the saviors , taking two freakish creatures away from certain death in the outside world where doctors would dissect them . The girl ran to me , but I found no comfort in her affections . I put my hand in cold water then walked to my studio to paint my flower . The girl must have been close behind me , but I didn 't hear her . The boy must have followed her , but I didn 't know he lurked in the dark hallway . I stared at my exotic flower . It grew more beautiful , more feminine every day . I touched the leaves , and they held my finger . How could this plant be so human while the children outside my door were more animals than people ? For a moment , I thought the flower smiled , but I must have been dreaming . Dreaming , because I was awakened by a growl . There was a pounding on the door , and suddenly it was off its hinges . The boy came in and flashed a toothy grin . The girl jumped on his back and grabbed onto his face . The next thing I knew , her fingers were in his mouth , and she was screaming . I ran toward her , but the look on her face told me she wanted me to stay away . The boy lunged toward me . The girl tried to hold him back . He was stronger than she , and she failed . He ran at me , I dodged him , and he crashed into my flower . The daisy hit the floor . Its face and petals were decapitated from the stem . The leaves clinched then relaxed . I didn 't even feel the boy 's teeth going into my hand . He bit me again and then scurried away on all fours . The girl remained . Weeping for my flower , I realized she sat at my feet . " I never bit you , " she said . I begged her to repeat it , but she only barked , whimpered , and rolled over and over as if she never had spoken at all . Then she looked at me with her blue eyes , the eyes of that breeder . I heard the dog - children howling and the voices of Allison , Rachel , Kathy , and Melissa convincing me it was also my fault . They kept saying I was wrong , that the girl and the boy were never children . But I knew . I knew . Rachel and Kathy led the dog - children out of the house and into the backyard . The floodlights went out , and from my side of the window I heard the girl 's voice pleading . " I never bit you . I never bit you , " she said . " Never . . . " By then , not even I was listening . The lights in the neighbors ' houses were coming on . Sirens were howling in the distance . The neighbors ' children were pressed against their bedroom windows and scratching on the glass like animals wanting to escape the houses they always come back to . Aimee Parkison 's story collection , Van Windows recently won a book prize judged by novelist Cris Mazza and will be published in the spring of 2004 by Starcherone Press . Her stories have appeared in Other Voices , Fiction International , Crab Orchard Review , Denver Quarterly , River City , American Literary Review and elsewhere . Parkison also recently won a Writers at Work fiction fellowship , which was judged by Carol Anshaw , and the wining story is scheduled to appear in an upcoming issue of Quarterly West . Parkison currently teaches writing classes at Cornell University and is at work on her first novel . |
I 'm sitting here waiting for DIL to bring the boys . It 's late . They should have been here almost 20 minutes ago . She can barely make it to work on time if they get here now . It 's nasty outside . All wet and muddy . We had a humongous downpour yesterday evening and the rain continued into the night . The electricity went out for about ten minutes at 7 : 00 . I had to go around and reset all the clocks and timers . Then it went out again around 9 : 30 . Same routine . Reset everything . The satellite was acting up by then and the TV was all scrambled so I went to bed . I was asleep by 10 : 00 and woke up at 6 : 00 . A Tylenol PM can work wonders . The boys are here . Clutching little baggies of froot loops and a packet of powdered cocoa mix . Getting fancy ! They said Mommy couldn 't find her purse and that 's why they 're late . They 're slowing phasing us into the work routine . Continental breakfast at 7 : 30 . Work starts at 8 : 00 . Guess I 'd better keep an eye on the clock this morning . I 'm not into continental breakfasts but I don 't want to be walking out the door at 8 : 00 this morning . 4 : 15 - Home from work . Today was a lot better . Still , when one of the APs made an announcement at 3 : 00 that they would like for volunteers to stick around and weed the flower beds , pick up litter , and do some general sprucing up before the first day of school , I declined . That has nothing to do with depression . That 's just on general principle . Hello ! Work all day and then volunteer to stay and weed the flower beds ? Only in education … . I went out to lunch with some friends . Also called my insurance company to see what the policy is on therapy . I 'm still not sure what it is . I found out that our general benefits pay for three ( count em , three ) sessions with one particular group . Then I found out that through my insurance , there are some approved people who will evaluate the situation , provide the insurance company with a specific number of sessions that they recommend and , if the sessions are approved , you can see anyone on the network list . They said they would email me the network list but it didn 't come through by the time I left work . DS has given DIL all the kids clothes except for two outfits each and a pair of sandals for each of them . Jake said he needs his sandals . I said , " Why do you need your sandals , Jake ? You have two pair of tennis shoes and two pair of flip flops and your house shoes at Mommy 's house . You need to leave a few things at Daddy 's house so you have clothes to wear when you 're over there . " He said , " Mommy said SHE bought them and she wants them at her house . " Yeah … probably the only pair of shoes she 's ever bought for any of her kids . Maybe she wants to bronze them . I told DS and he said he 'd give them to her . Neither of us want Jake stuck in the middle . It continues to amaze me that she keeps asking for more stuff after he 's already given her all the kids clothes and shoes , almost all their toys , and everything that 's even remotely considered to be " hers " . She told me there 's an old ice cream maker somewhere in the garage that belonged to her dad and she wants it . I told DS and he said they threw it out a couple of years ago because it didn 't work . I have to face her in a couple of hours and I 've gotten to where I hate it . Having to smile and be nice no matter how I really feel about things . " I 'm so sorry , Stacy . I think your dad 's old ice cream maker was a piece of rusted crap that hit the trash a couple of years ago . Is there anything I can do to make it up to you ? " Okay , Okay , get out of the gutter . Enough of that . I really did feel a lot better today . Now , I need to fix something for dinner so I can control what we eat instead of DH going out for frozen pizzas or something . Sitting here waiting for DIL to drop off the kids . Been up since 6 : 00 because she 's supposed to drop them off at 6 : 30 but experience has shown it 's going to be more like 6 : 15 . Actually , it 's supposed to be 8 : 30 but she had to work early all last week except Thursday and she says she has to work early all this week . Didn 't get much sleep . I went to bed at 11 : 30 and was awakened at 3 : 30 by DH turning on the light and ransacking the bedroom because he couldn 't find his keys . I got up to help him look and , by the time he got out the door , I couldn 't go back to sleep . I tried . Stayed awake for about an hour and finally dozed off and got a few more minutes of sleep before I had to get up . DS called the caseworker Friday afternoon . He called from the home phone and recorded the conversation . I think she knew it was being recorded . He called her on her cell , which is the number she gave us and she immediately told him she couldn 't hear him and gave him the office number to call back . She probably recorded the call herself because she was very accommodating . Well , not exactly accommodating but not nasty like she usually is to him . He asked her about visitation starting this week when the kids go back to school . He suggested that DIL drop the kids off at school on Monday and he 'd pick them up and they would spend the night . He 'd take them to school on Tuesday and she 'd pick them up and they 'd spend the night with her . He suggested alternating on school days . The caseworker said that was a good idea but she 'd have to run it by DIL because she doesn 't get off work until 5 : 00 and they get out of school at 4 : 00 . DS told her they could put the kids in an after school program that they used last year . You can use it 1 day a week , three days a week or everyday . They don 't care and charge by the day . After he got off the phone , he called the program to see if they needed to re - register them or anything and was told they had an outstanding bill of $ 400 . 00 . Needless to say , he was pissed ! Just one more instance of DIL taking the money . He said they told him the bill hadn 't been paid for the last six weeks of school even though he gave her the money to pay it . Enough about that . The kids came in and I sent them to bed . They get here every morning with a baggie of dry fruit loops , toss it on the table , and hit the bed . The fruit loops started appearing after I told the case worker about Jake saying they didn 't have time for breakfast because they had to get up early to take Mark to work . She must have said something to DIL because they showed up with their " breakfast " after we had that conversation . I 'm going to try to turn things around starting today . My life is such a mess and this stuff with DIL is eating me up . We headed out in the RV Friday afternoon and didn 't get home until yesterday evening and I felt awful all weekend . DH took us to Belterra Caseeno which was his idea of a nice weekend getaway . As I 've said before , I 'm not much of a gambler . I didn 't even go in the caseeno Friday evening but stayed in the RV and watched The Soloist on the DVD player . I felt awful . My chest hurt and I was tired and didn 't feel like doing anything . Saturday , I went in and lost my $ 20 . 00 and came back out to the RV to read . Sunday , I went in and lost my $ 20 . 00 and then sat around the RV watching TV and reading . I 've never lost so quickly . My chest hurt all weekend and it still hurts . I have an almost constant headache and I don 't feel like doing anything . I 've gone from an occasional smoker to a pack and a half a day . Really , I 've got to turn this around . The smoking will get better because I refuse to smoke in my car or at work so I 'll get back to a couple per day . That 's only part of the problem . The rest is about diet and exercise and getting some sleep . Today , I 'm eating healthy . Today , I 'm going to get some exercise . Sleep ? That 's another matter . I constantly worry about what 's happening with DS and the kids . I don 't know how to put it out of my mind . I lie in bed and turn it all over in my mind . I wake up in the middle of the night and worry about it . It 's always in my thoughts . Hopefully , getting back to work will make it better . Today isn 't the first " official " day for teachers . We 're allowed one day to get stuff ready and set up our rooms for extra pay . I 'm doing that today . Tomorrow and Wednesday are professional development days and then the kids return on Thursday . And so , today , I 'm going to try to start turning my life around . I 'm going to try to stop worrying about things so much and concentrate on school . Hmmm … . maybe I should grab some headphones and start exercising everytime the DIL situation pops in my head . At least I 'd get some bang for my buck . 7 : 45 - Okay , that 's it . I give up . I need a therapist . I couldn 't think of anything positive that happened today . Nothing . I planned on being at work at 8 : 00 this morning . Kept an eye on the clock . Thought everything was going fine . I went out to the car and started it and it showed 8 : 00 a . m . How did that happen ? Last time I checked , it was 7 : 15 and I was almost ready to leave . I honestly don 't know what happened . I was shocked to see that it was 8 : 00 and I was just leaving the house . I don 't know what happened to 45 minutes . I guess I was wandering around with a lot of stuff on my mind and lost track of time . Everything at work irritated me . I got there and ROTC wanted to have a meeting right away . They had lots of stuff they needed to get rolling and I just honestly didn 't give a damn . I didn 't feel like being there and I didn 't want to commit to anything . Next , I had a long line of teachers needing this or that and I kind of mindlessly did what they needed . I had to talk to one of the APs about the school website that I 'm redoing and Pitiful , Arrogant , Upchuck Lowlife butted in and started taking over the conversation and I just let him roll . Kind of figured , " Fine ! If you want to do it , be my guest . " The conversation moved to the distribution of the laptop carts this year , something I 'd already discussed with the principal and he had major objections to the plan and said he was going to talk to her about how he wanted to do it . Again , " Fine . Do whatever you want . I don 't care . " Friends invited me out to lunch and I told them I 'd rather keep working so I could go home an hour early . Everyone wanted to know what I did this summer and I didn 't even want to talk about it . I kept looking for five good things and , through my grimy distorted view , I didn 't think anything was good . I couldn 't even think of one thing . Much less five . I came home , waited for DS to bring the kids back and then stayed dressed long enough for DIL to pick them up . As soon as she left , I took a long hot soak and put on my pajamas . And now … here I am . I haven 't eaten anything all day and I can 't think of anything I want . I 'm not stupid . I know I 'm severely depressed and thought I could pull myself out of it but , obviously , I 'm not doing too well . Tomorrow , I 'm looking for a therapist . Today is the last day I have before I start back to work Monday . Of course , it feels like I 've already started back . What with the retreat and all … . Got me back into that " teacher mode " . You know … the one where you have lesson plans and kids and grades occupying a space in the background of every waking moment . That 's where my mind is … planning lessons and getting back to work . Drove about twenty minutes yesterday morning to meet Phyllisann . Sat there in the parking lot of a Walmart for several minutes wondering where the Hell she was and finally called her . She was a basket case . Someone broke into her truck and stole her computer , stereo , etc . I could hear the car alarm going off in the background . She cancelled out and I had to drive up by myself . I was already running late at that point , didn 't have enough gas to get to Lexington , didn 't know where I was going ( I didn 't pay any attention on Wednesday because she was driving ) and didn 't want to have to drive through heavy fog all the way . It was so tempting to just turn around and go home but I 'm proud to say I got it all under control and made it to the retreat . The fog was really bad and I was a nervous wreck by the time I got there but , at least , I DID get there . I don 't know what 's wrong with me … getting old ? stress ? insecurity ? I 'm just not as confident as I used to be . It 's real easy to give up when the going gets tough . What used to be a challenge has become an obstacle . At any rate , I feel good that I didn 't give up and go home . Got out of the retreat early and was home by 2 : 45 so I decided to go cash in DS 's bond and get my money back . I tried to on Monday but the line went all the way through all the turnstiles and around the corner . I didn 't have time to deal with it and make it home in time for DIL to pick up the kids so I had to leave . So , yesterday , I went downtown , drove around the block a couple of times to find a parking spot , maneuvered my big ass Lincoln into a space , shoved a fistfull of quarters in the meter and went to the courthouse . Stood in line for 45 minutes and got up to the window at 3 : 45 . Those people are awful . I know they don 't exactly deal with the upper crust of society but still ! They shuffle around like they have all day . Two windows open and 10 people in line and they work with one person , leave the window , come back two or three minutes later , talk to the person at the window for a minute and fill out a form , leave the window , come back two or three minutes later , etc . I finally got up to the window and the woman who waited on me didn 't even say , " May I help you ? " She just ignored me for a couple of minutes while she typed a word or two ( probably would have gone a lot faster but she was handicapped with two inch nails and hit the keys one at a time ) and then looked up and stared at me . I said , " I need to get a bond refund . " " Got a receipt ? " " Yes , here it is . " She took the receipt , grabbed a form and started filling it out . The woman next to her said , " Don 't do any more bonds . They closed down a couple of minutes ago . " Dagger nails looked at her watch and said , " There 's still fifteen minutes . " The other woman said , " They just called . They closed down twenty minutes early for some kind of meeting . " Dagger nails hands my receipt back to me and says , " They 're closed . You 'll have to come back tomorrow . " I said , " Well , can 't I go ahead and get some of the paperwork done ? I 've been standing in line for 45 minutes . Can I get the forms filled out and just pick upI didn 't though . Probably would have looked bad to the caseworker . She might have thought I was " inflexible " . Got up this morning and DH said he 'd take me back down there . We went out front and someone had broken the antenna off his car . Crap ! This used to be such a nice neighborhood . Coincidence ? He dropped me off at the courthouse and I went in loaded for bear . Surprise ! There were only five people in line and three windows open . Remind me to only go to the courthouse on Friday mornings . At any rate , it didn 't take very long and a woman called me up to her window . I handed her my receipt and said , " I need to get a bond refund . " She looked at the receipt and then looked at me and a big smile broke out on her face and she said , " Mrs . R ! ! ! Don 't you remember me ? You were my teacher a few years ago . Lakiesha Hunter . Remember ? " Sh * t ! ! I didn 't know her from a hole in the ground but I smiled and said , " Well , Hey , Lakiesha ! Of course I remember you . It 's been a long time ! " She 's smiling and yells across the office , " Hey ! Loretta , this is Mrs . R . She used to be my math teacher ! " Now everyone in the entire office is looking at me and everyone in the line is glaring at me and wishing I 'd finish my business so they can get their money back and Lakiesha says , " I sure never expected to see you down here ! You remember Robert ? Robert White ? He 's my husband now ! I can 't wait to tell him I saw you . What do you need ? A bond refund ? I sure never thought I 'd be filling out a bond refund for you Mrs . R ! " " OMG ! I bet you wanted to kill him , didn 't you ? I can 't imagine one of your kids getting in trouble . I just can 't imagine it ! I bet you tore his butt up , didn 't you ? " I finally got away from Lakiesha , went upstairs with my paperwork , and got my money back . Can 't wait for Lakiesha 's next high school reunion . She 'll have lots to share with everyone . I hate my life … . . Woke up to heavy fog . Guess that 's to be expected with all that rain . Phyllisann and I should leave for Lexington a little bit early . We have to drive through some areas that cross a few rivers and valleys . The retreat was okay yesterday . I 've been assigned to mentor a new teacher and I met her . Seems really nice . Not really mentoring … more like being a buddy to her because she 's new to the school and I 'm supposed to help her figure out the ropes , introduce her to people and try to make her comfortable . Not a bad idea for staff that are new to the school . Nothing much going on … I went to the retreat yesterday and that meant twelve hours from the time I got up until I got home . DS fixed dinner and I watched So You Think You Can Dance for a couple of hours and then hit the bed . DIL showed up with her new boyfriend at 6 : 30 to pick up her bike , her mirror , an old " dome " hairdryer from the 60s and a few more clothes . I think that 's about all of her stuff . I 'm sure DS will come across more but she says she doesn 't know of anything else . Sure do wish they 'd assign a permanent caseworker . DIL says she 'll bring the kids at 8 : 30 this morning but I told her I wouldn 't be here . DH is home and she said that would be fine . Brandi , I 'm with ya ! Let 's make this the best year ever . It seems like forever since I 've been eating well and working out . Last spring , it seemed like school consumed me and I couldn 't find time to get on track . Now , I 'm hoping getting back to work will help me get back to being healthy . At any rate , I 'm getting geared up to start all over again ! HAL has taken over the computers . DH hooked up Andrew 's new computer through the airport Monday evening and now none of the other computers in the house will hook up to the internet . I don 't know what he 's done . All the computers ask for a password and it doesn 't work . The name of the network is showing up as Andrew 's PC . I didn 't get a chance to look at it yesterday and don 't know if I will today . You may have seen that we had major flooding here yesterday . Six inches of rain in less than three hours . Set a new all - time record . Roads were closed and buildings were flooded . Me and Mine were fine but it took some major re - routing to get to oldest DIL 's father 's funeral yesterday . Seems like we were tied up all day with the funeral . Getting everyone ready , getting there and getting back . This morning , I 'm up at 5 : 30 to get ready to drive to Lexington for my school retreat . I 've decided not to stay overnight . If I don 't stay , I can be here for the kids to be dropped off and picked up . Guess I 'll miss this evening 's karaoke and all the other stupid stuff a hotel full of teachers do when they 're not planning lessons . It would have been nice to get away and have a nice room to myself this evening but Phyllisann called and said she 'd decided not to stay overnight and that was the kicker . She 's my bud . Neither one of us feel like we 're ready to start the new year but it looks like it 's here anyway . Retreat all day today and tomorrow , off Friday and back to work Monday . Andrew , who is absolutely chomping at the bit to get his new computer ( the bank was closed yesterday and he has all his money in a savings account ) woke me up a few minutes ago . I was sleeping so good . He knocks on the door and comes in at 7 : 45 saying , " Nana , aren 't you sleeping too long ? " Perhaps . Not now … . I have so much to do today . I have to take DGD , Holly , to get an outfit to wear to the funeral home and funeral for her other grandfather . Andrew 's got to get his computer . The kids have to meet with the GAL at 1 : 00 and DS meets with his attorney at 2 : 00 . Steven has a doctor 's appointment . At some point , we all have to go to the funeral home . Oh yeah , I 've got to order flowers . We need to get the surveillance cameras working , too . I think I should be the coordinator : I 'll take Holly , You take Andrew , You take Steven , I 'll order flowers , you mount the cameras , yada , yada , yada . The police took the report . A local policeman who has had this beat forever . I was surprised that he seemed to know all of us . DS and he were downright chatty . Seems they both share an interest in restoring old cars and they 've met several times through that . Youngest DS knows him because he used to eat at a restaurant he worked in . At any rate , he was nice and made the report but said there wasn 't much else they could do . We had to tighten all the lug nuts to get the car towed home and he said they probably wouldn 't find any prints . We told him about DIL but we also told him we really didn 't believe she would do something like that . He said she might not do it herself but she might have shot off her mouth so much that one of her friends would take it upon themselves to do it . He also mentioned that there are a group of kids in the neigborhood that have been vandalizing property and said he 'd have a chat with them . In fact , he recalled a few months ago when someone threw a huge rock through my car window while my car was sitting in the driveway . After considerable thought , I 've decided that DIL would not do this . I really don 't think she would . Her friends ? Boyfriend ? That 's another story . She brought the kids by last night at 7 : 00 and was as sweet as could be . I can 't believe how she acts . Like she didn 't have a meltdown in my front yard Thursday afternoon . Of course , this is how she is . She can be a raving lunatic one minute and sweet as can be the next . She can scratch and claw and spit and kick and then be as cool as a cucumber when the police get there . Appearing totally rational and believable to anyone who doesn 't know better . DS took the boys home last night . First time he 's had them overnight in the last couple of weeks . I even wondered if he should take them overnight but decided that 's ridiculous . If she drops them off Sunday evening so she doesn 't have to get up early Monday morning to get them ready , that 's the time she drops them off for visitation . As far as I 'm concerned , he can take them home overnight . It 's not my job as the intermediary to be a babysitter . It 's just my job to transfer the kids . I 'm going to talk to the GAL today and find out if I 'm over reacting and how I should be dealing with the caseworker and DS is going to talk to his attorney and try to get a handle on what he needs to do . The caseworker has chosen not to communicate with him at all and he doesn 't want to deal with her . His fear is that she will contribute that to a lack of motivation or caring about getting the kids back . I suspect the GAL will tell me that I should report activity to the caseworker but make sure everything is recorded . I just want to verify that I 'm not over stepping the boundaries . 6 : 30 - Long day . Got Holly looking good and took her over to the funeral home . Went downtown to talk to the GAL . Left the GAL and went to DS 's attorney 's office . Stopped and got a late lunch for the kids . Had an hour of so of " wait time " between DS leaving and DIL getting here and he played with the kids . I like a 30 minute window between them . I want DS gone by 6 : 00 and I call him when she leaves . Today , he was caught up in playing one of the new games he got them on the playstation and she showed up at 6 : 10 . He ran out in the back yard and I ran out front and apologized for him being there and told her she was 20 minutes early . She said that was okay , grabbed up the kids and left . She said she has to work early all week so I told her to go ahead and bring the kids at 6 : 30 each morning . I told her I 'd decided not to spend the night at my retreat and would be able to take them at 6 : 30 and make the 60 mile drive to Lexington in time to get there by 8 : 00 . Things went pretty much as we expected today . The GAL talked with the kids and didn 't tell me what he discussed with them but told me that the living situation was very sticky . Okay on the outside but was something the case worker needed to keep a close eye on . I gathered from that that DIL is living in a basement apartment of her boyfriend 's house . We all know what 's going on but it still meets the guidelines . As for her changing the visitation , the GAL said it was to our advantage to have the kids as much as possible and her willingness to bring them early , pick them up late , and drop them off the night before shows the caseworker that she 's not all that good about being able to stick to the visitation schedule but DS and I are always there to make sure the kids are cared for . His advice ? Let her fall on her face and just be there to pick up the pieces . DS 's attorney thinks everything looks good for him and gave me the name of someone who can help me set up my Blackberry to record phone conversations . He said he thinks we should be able to wrap this up in October . The next hearing is October 1 . He said the caseworker is an Investigative Caseworker . It 's her job to jump into the fray , quickly figure out the best way to keep the kids safe , try to cover her ass so it looks like the best solution and then get out of the way for the real caseworker . He said it 's not unusual for the Investigative Caseworker to align herself with one side but she still has an obligation to work with the other side . He said this particular caseworker is a bitch ( he didn 't use the word but he mouthed it ) and he hates working with her . He said , " I have to work with these people and I try to maintain a decent relationship with them . This one ? I don 't even try to keep a good relationship with her . I just try to keep things under control until she 's out of the picture . " He had lots of good things to say but it 's getting late and I 've got to get dinner going so I 'll try to give more details tomorrow . For now … the kids are gone and I 'm going to enjoy a few minutes of peace and quiet before Holly comes back . Woke up to a phone call from oldest DS at 6 : 30 a . m . He used DH 's car to go to work and the tire came off while he was driving down the expressway . All the lug nuts have been loosened . Thank God he wasn 't hurt . I just talked to him on the phone . He took pictures with the camera on the phone and AAA is just getting there to tow the car . This really sucks . Too much of a coincidence to be ignored but probably totally unrelated to DIL . I mean , I can 't believe she 'd be behind anything like this . Her boyfriend ? I don 't know . I feel like an idiot thinking about making a police report but I know we have to . Even if she isn 't involved , we have to make a report but I 'll have to give them her name when they ask if I know anyone who would do this . Crap ! I really hate this . The problem is that DH had a flat on the tire that came off just a couple of weeks ago and it 's possible that the lug nuts weren 't tightened correctly . DH is not an amateur when it comes to cars but he 's walking around saying , " It 's possible that the lug nuts weren 't tightened correctly . I can 't believe it but it 's possible . " I guess we 'll check all the other lug nuts when the car gets here . If others are loose , there 's no doubt that it was deliberate . Sistah Pam took me out yesterday . She drove over the river to Indiana and we visited Huber 's Winery and Orchard . Had a wonderful lunch and I bought a half bushel of tomatoes and a basket of overripe peaches for a song . We were planning on going to The Concrete Lady to look for some yard art for Pam but headed out at 4 : 00 and then noticed on the brochure that The Concrete Lady closes at 4 : 00 so that outing will have to wait for another day . While we were driving home , my cell phone rang and it was DIL . Pam 's entire purpose was to get all this drama off my mind and I could feel the anger and anxiety returning the minute I saw who was calling . I didn 't answer . Figured I 'd wait until I got home and put the recorder on the phone before I called her back but we worked on the damn thing for a couple of hours and couldn 't figure out how to get the phone recorder to work with my Blackberry . I guess I 'm going to have to call her back this morning but I don 't know what to do about recording the conversation . We went up and bought an attachment that should have worked and it does … on every phone except my blackberry . DH is highly perturbed . Just came in and said AAA wouldn 't tow the car because he wasn 't driving it when it happened . Also said ALL the lug nuts are loose on the entire car . He 's getting the car dolly and going back to pick up the car . The fender is all torn up and he is not a happy man . Guess we 're going to have to make a police report . DH is saying , " Why would she do this to my car ? Why not DS 's ? It doesn 't make sense . " I don 't know . Too obvious ? Her boyfriend who doesn 't know who 's car is whose ? This is not pretty . I 'm just happy no one was hurt . DS said the tire came off and went rolling across the expressway and some guy had to slam on his brakes to keep from hitting it . This is getting so nasty . DS has been staying here since last Wednesday . He feels like a prisoner . Like he has to have a witness and alibi for every minute since she made the police report that her mother 's car was damaged last week . He went to Walmart last night and took DGS with him because he 's afraid of being accused of something else . Paranoid ? I don 't know . Are we all paranoid ? I don 't even want to call her on the phone without having a witness or being able to record the conversation . It was agreed that she and I would communicate through my cell phone because , if she calls the home phone , DS could pick up . The damn phone recorder works fine on the land line . It just won 't work on my cell . We 've decided that we have no choice but to wire this place like a fortress . We 're getting a surveillance system today to mount in front of the house and inside the house . We 're taking pictures . We 're recording everything . We 're going to have to figure out how to record calls on my Blackberry . I don 't know why but this makes me feel trashy . I don 't think I should have to do these kinds of things . I 'm a nervous wreck about still not returning her call from yesterday afternoon . As if I 'll get in trouble for not jumping when she says " Jump " . I 'm wondering if the recorder will pick it up if I just hold it close when I call and turn the volume all the way up on my phone . 10 : 30 - Returned DIL 's phone call . She said she got a call Friday evening and she has to do mandatory overtime on Monday . Needs to drop the kids off at 6 : 30 a . m . but it would make it easier on her and them if she could drop them off around 7 : 00 this evening . Sweet as can be . Says she doesn 't know if she 'll have to do overtime all week or not but she 'll let me know . Told her that would be fine . Don 't want to be accused of being " inflexible " or " non - accommodating " . At least we 'll have the kids tomorrow so they can meet with the GAL . 5 Comments » 1stAugust Who said there 's no rest for the weary ? I slept like a rock last night and I didn 't even need a Tylenol PM to do it . I slept ten full hours . Woke up feeling better than I have in days . Don 't know where DH is . He 's already cleaned the house and the coffee pot has turned itself off and isn 't even warm anymore . Some serious discussion going on in yesterday 's comments . Sunny , yes , I see where you 're coming from and I agree with you to some degree . However , if you 've never been in this kind of situation , you should know that a temporary custody period is critical . You MUST do exactly what you 're supposed to do . We go back to court in October and they 'll be looking at everything . In the past , when I had temporary custody , I had to document everything and the caseworkers considered a breach in the visitation agreement or moving the kids in with a boyfriend to be very serious infractions of the agreement . Things like a missed day of visitation may seem petty but it 's the way she did it . She should have discussed it with me and I would have discussed it with DS and it would have been fine . To deliberately refuse to bring them when he has visitation shows that she is not doing what the court ordered . It SHOULD show that she is not concerned with the kids best interests and is , once again , only interested in what she wants to do . I would not be half as worried as I am if the caseworker was not so biased . It 's only been a week and she 's moved in with a boyfriend and deliberately cancelled a visitation . These are things the caseworker SHOULD see as serious problems considering that the temporary custody period has just begun . As far as my son is concerned , I agree , I need to back off and let him deal with more of this but the truth of the matter is that he and DIL have an Order of Protection so he doesn 't have to deal with her . There can be no communication between them . I 'm the one who has to communicate and face DIL all the time I know I 'm raging in my blog but in person , I 'm being polite and friendly . I 'm putting on a mask and doing my best to make every encounter as pleasant as possible . DIL has a horrible temper and the least little bit of adversity brings it out . For example , when she dropped the bombshell the other evening , " I 'm not bringing them tomorrow . " I tried to be reasonable saying , " No , Stacy , you know he has visitation tomorrow from 8 : 30 to 5 : 30 . " I said this in a reasonable tone and she immediately got furious and antagonistic to the point where I had to walk away to avoid a scene . A couple of things that should be noted … If DIL was a good mother , I wouldn 't worry nearly as much as I do . I 'd just deal with the situation the best I could and DS and DIL would have to work out custody and child support and everything else . The problem is that she has serious mental problems . She can turn on a dime . She always put her own interests ahead of the kids and she 's moved in with boyfriends with serious problems in the past . Would she deliberately hurt the kids ? No . I can honestly say I don 't think she would . But , she WILL put them in dangerous situations . She 's only had them for a week and she 's moved them into some guy 's house . And her judgement is not good . She DOES take off for days at a time and I 've had to step in and take care of the kids . Who will fill that role now ? If she decides to run off and party all weekend , this new guy may decide he 's not going to hang around and babysit for her . Worse … he may be TOO willing to hang around with the kids , if you know what I mean . I worry about what will happen to them . For those who may not be aware , I lost a two year old granddaughter several years ago and her death was devastating . If I 'm more aware of the consequences than most people , it 's because I 've been somewhere that you never want to go . The aftershocks of her loss still affect my family . As for DS , he has to fight his own battles but it 's very difficult when the caseworker is so opinionated . To date , she has only talked to DS once . That initial interview . Other than that , she 's chosen to ignore him or has been so antagonistic to him that he 's decided to avoid her if at all possible . Don 't forget , it 's only been a week and he still hasn 't had an opportunity to sit down with his attorney for a pow - wow . That will happen Monday . He 'll also get a new caseworker and we 're hoping she 'll be more open and professional . I 've been so consumed with the two youngest grandkids this summer , I haven 't said much about the twins . I 'm so proud of Andrew . He worked all summer and saved every penny he earned . Now , he has $ 1 , 200 in the bank and saved it all up to buy a top of the line laptop . He 's so excited . I kind of hate for him to spend a thousand bucks on a laptop because he could get everything he needs for a lot less but he fell in love with an HP Pavillion with all the bells and whistles ( including Blu Ray ) earlier this year and has worked and saved all summer to buy it so I 'm certainly not going to bust his bubble . Steven never did find a job this summer but he mowed a few lawns and did some odd jobs . Funny , even though they 're twins , they 've so different . Money runs through Steven 's hands like water . He tends to buy little items and isn 't very good about saving up for the big stuff . We 'll have to work on that . Both boys registered for classes last week and Steven is content with his schedule but Andrew came out of it grinning from ear to ear . He got total candy classes . Got all the best teachers and gets to be an aide for his favorite counselor . Believe it or not , he actually got my class . We teach a class called Advocacy once a week . It 's an ungraded class that is designed to form a close relationship with a small group of students so that every student feels like they have a teacher they can talk to and count on when the need arises . Andrew is thrilled to be in my Advocacy class but I 'm not so sure . I think I 'll see how it goes but I may have him transferred to another teacher . We talk about problems that the kids have and frequently discuss issues they don 't feel comfortable talking about with parents . I 'm not sure it would be to Andrew 's benefit to be in my class . He 's a senior this year and thinks he 's on top of the world . Steven failed the 6th grade so he 's a junior but he 's finally at a point where he can start having some fun . Prom and senior rings and other good stuff . Now … enough about that . It 's a beautiful day and I don 't have a houseful of kids to take care of . Time to do something for me . Sistah Pam is determined to save me from myself and has suggested an outing … . Oh , I should mention , my other DIL 's father passed away yesterday evening . I didn 't know him very well and the kids seem to be handling it okay . They saw him on Christmas and occasional holidays but have never been really close . Another casualty of my granddaughter 's death ? Perhaps . After she died , they began to slowly pull away from the other grandkids . Haven 't ever been very close to them . We all have our own ways of dealing with these things . I gathered all my kids and grandkids tightly against me and treasure every day with them . They distanced themselves . I 'm not being critical . As I said , we have to deal with these things in our own way . |
I can 't believe it 's been a week since I posted . Christmas was wonderful . My mom got us the crib for Lilly and my sister made her the cutest blanket and pillow set . We 've spent most of the week cleaning out Lilly 's room and trying to get things ready to paint . I never realized how much crap was in there ! Our house guests have moved out and we 've moved all the furniture to the basement . My MIL and I went shopping Monday and got some great deals . We bought two bags worth of clothes for Lilly for $ 28 . It was a consignment shop and everything is in great shape ! It looks like it was never warn . I also got a good deal at Old Navy on some maternity shirts too . 3 shirts for $ 6 a piece . Nothing much else going on . I took the tree down Monday night because the stupid thing fell over . Scared the crap out of me and broke some ornaments . Oh well , at least it 's done now . I still have some stuff to take down , but I don 't have the ambition . OK , back to Lilly 's room . . . Happy New Year everyone ! I can 't believe it 's already Christmas Eve ! I 'm so happy to have all my wrapping done ( I finished last night around 9 : 30 ) and all I have to do now is sort out what gifts go to which house with us . I was even smart and saved all our boxes and big bags this year to pack them in ! I 'm excited , only 4 more hours of work and then I 'm off for a week ! The only part that sucks is that B clicked ok on some stupid Antivirus thing on my laptop and now the stupid thing doesn 't work right . It 's trying to block everything on the Internet . Ugh , and it isn 't showing up so I can uninstall anything . I guess I 'll just try deleting the files when I get home and see if that works . Not much else really going on . I 'll get on my old desk top if I have to and put up some pictures of the things Lilly gets for Christmas . I hope everyone has a happy and safe holiday ! I have to say I 've been feeling great ! With the exception of some aches and pains . Mentally I 'm feeling great ! I 'm excited for Christmas , especially being that I have everything pretty much done and ready . I 'm not stressing over anything ! All my wrapping will be done by tomorrow night when B is at bowling ( his is the only stuff left , and there are only a few of them ) ! Then Wednesday night I have to sort all the gifts based on what house we are taking them to , but that 's not the hard part , finding something to take them in is always the pain is the butt ! One last stop today to get some picture frames and a shirt for my dad and we 're all set ! My physical pains aren 't really that bad , just slightly inhibiting . I can tell my pelvis is widening because it was very painful Saturday while walking around the mall . Especially my hip and lower back . And then yesterday I keep getting a sharp pain on the inside of my thigh , but it seems to be gone today . B was great about it and made me rest . He actually yelled at me when I protested because laundry needed to be done . May sound weird but I liked it . Oh yeah and Buffalo finally won another game yesterday ! ! ! And Lilly seems to be getting used to all the yelling that Mommy does . I 'm glad I read that babies that hear things like dogs barking and loud noises while in the womb tend to sleep through it better when they are born . Cause she 'll definitely be at football with us and well , there 's no quieting us down ! Hope you are all enjoying things like I am today ! And if you want a good laugh head on over to my good friend Cindy 's blog ! Well I 'm 21 weeks today and strangly excited . I haven 't been excited about counting the weeks in quite a while , but today is different . Maybe because now I feel like I 'm starting to count down , instead of up ? I found out last night that baby girl doesn 't like Chinese food . She woke up and started kicking like normal , but instead of the normal area she was kicking my cervix . This hurts mommy little one . I promise not to eat chinese if you promise to stop kicking there . . . Other than that , not much going on . We are getting a " BIG " snow storm today . We 're expecting 10 - 14 inches by midnight . Most of it coming this afternoon , around evening commute time . Yeah , but in good news , today is the last Friday before the holiday break at work . What 's the big deal in that you ask ? Well , it 's a pregnant ladies dream come true . . . our engineering department ( the one I 'm in ) has what we call a Holiday Luncheon . It really isn 't a luncheon though . It 's constant grazing all day ! Everyone brings in a dish to pass and we basically eat all day . Want to know some of the wonderful foods ? Well , I 'm going to tell you anyway . . . Strawberry truffle cake , spicy taco dip , buffalo chicken dip , rye boat , peanut butter balls , goulash , and the list goes on and on . Oh I can 't wait to start eating ! ! ! So that 's about it for me today . Nothing to complain about and happy the weekend is almost here ! Oh yeah and we are almost certain to have snow for Christmas this year ! Besides the storm today we are expected to get one every other day until Wednesday ! First I want to say Congratulations to my friend Heather who just had her little girl ! She doesn 't have a blog for me to link to , but she 's been great support for me while TTC and worrying about a miscarriage . Congrats B and Heather ! ! ! I 'm so excited for the holiday to get here and be gone . Besides Thanksgiving it 's one of my favorite days of the year . We get to see everyone and they 're all in such a good mood ! And I hate opening the gifts cause I just love a Christmas tree with pretty presents sitting under it . But this year I think most of my excitement comes from wanting to buy stuff for my little Lillian . See at this point my mom has hinted that she may be getting the crib for us for Christmas so I don 't want to run out and buy one until I know . And I feel so rushed right now . Lilly 's room is a disaster with her father 's hunting stuff and my clothes and extra computers that we never use . Well that 's not true , we use the one because it 's the only one with a printer . So at the moment I feel really unorganized and the week after Christmas is when every thing is going to get started . I have the week off and we are going to get some major work done ! And of course our house guests are contributing to the fact that nothing is getting done because their " room " , our basement , is where the computer and desks and stuff are going . And they should be moving out the week after Christmas too ! Not that they are moving far , they rented the apartment right below us ! Right now B is helping them with the cleaning and work that needs to be done before they move in , but based on what B says the plan is , they should be done with the next week or so . Oh I just can 't wait to get started . I should really be working , but I think I may work on my registry a little this morning ! Happy Hump Day everyone ! Yes , I got some sleep last night ! ! ! I went to bed at 9 and didn 't wake up until 5 : 30 ! Well not completely , I got up 5 times to go to the bathroom , but it never took me long to fall back to sleep ! I actually feel awake today ! Besides that there isn 't much going on really . I 'm excited to be almost done with my Christmas shopping ! I only have 2 people left to shop for , leaving B with 3 people including me . And I 'm so excited to give him his presents ! That 's my favorite part of Christmas , watching other people 's faces when they open your gift . I told B last night I can 't wait to give him his stuff and he says " I don 't know why , I didn 't tell you I wanted anything . " My response , " That 's the best part ! " Being that I don 't have much else to write about , I want to ask what your holiday traditions are . B kind of upset me this last weekend because he thinks my family 's tradition is stupid and I want to know what you all think . * He 's never been into Christmas . Even as a child he wouldn 't get up and he 'd tell him mom " The presents will be there at 10 when I want to get up . " * Ok , so my tradition : We always opened our stockings , then went and got cookies and hot coco , and coffee . Then one person plays Santa . Each person gets a gift and then we open them one by one . Showing everyone what we got and thanking the person who got it for us . It takes a bit longer , but I love watching everyone 's faces and knowing that everyone knows what gifts I got for them . I think it promotes appreciation and thoughtfulness . B 's tradition : ( His sister was allowed to open her stocking while waiting for B to get out of bed , sometimes she had to wait 4 hours ! ) They would pass out all the gifts and then open them all at once . You see B doesn 't like my tradition because he says it takes too long and we spend so much more time at my mom 's than anywhere else because of the way we do things ( 1 , that 's not true , we spend just as much time at his uncle 's with his family and 2 , starting next year the only house we are going to is his uncle 's , we are asking everyoPosted by Losing my mind ~ you know when you are trying to get pregnant and it 's frustrating you and you hear these pregnant women complaining about " pregnancy brain " you just laugh and think " whatever " . Well I have come to the conclusion that it really does exist . I 'm not really complaining about it cause if that 's the worst thing effecting me right now , I 'm doing great ! But the fact that I now heavily rely on spell check because I can 't remember how to spell simple words like niece ( is it ie or ei ? ) or remember my poor niece 's name just drives me insane some times . B cracked up the other day when I asked him how to spell niece . See normally I 'm a very good speller and he is constantly asking me . Sleeplessness ~ This has become a major issue in my mind , but not so much physically . . . yet . Saturday night I went to sleep around 9 : 30 and woke up about 1 . I lay in bed for 45 minutes tossing and turning and decide to get up and watch TV on the couch . I didn 't want to wake B cause he was getting up early to hunt . Well finally around 5 I start to doze off again . But that was when B woke up , realized I was gone and panicked . He came looking for me and scolded me for not just staying in bed and turning on the TV , I can 't win . So anyway , he took me back into bed and rubber my back to help me fall asleep . Then he got up to let the dogs out . I still couldn 't sleep . I think around 7 I finally fell back asleep for 2 hours , if that , and it was restless sleep . I never napped all day and still had trouble falling asleep last night . Finally around 11 I think I passed out , only to wake up 5 . I 'm tired and yawning now , but I don 't think I could actually sleep if I laid down . I thought this wasn 't supposed to come until the 3rd trimester when you 're so uncomfortable ? The Nursery ~ Here is a picture of the nursery bedding we 've picked out . I just love the pink and white and different textures . I think we might go with paint the color of the green in the blanket , but we haven 't decided yet . Let me know what you think . . . Well I now have lots of updaPosted by First thing first . . . The u / s was great , but it would have been better if I hadn 't had to sit in the waiting room for a half hour . The orange juice I drank worked , but wore off before they started the u / s . Everything is measuring on schedule , but she is currently breach . My midwife said she has plenty of time to turn around and I 'm sure she does , but her butt was stuck down in the smallest part of my uterus making her legs squish together . After explaining this the tech all of a sudden said " I have to go , I 'll be back . " It had me worried , so while she was gone B and I had a talk with baby . I sat up and tried pushing on my belly a little . Well it worked . She moved just enough to get a glimpse . I 'll post some pictures at the end . Then after the u / s we went and got our Christmas tree ! ! ! I might decorate it today being that I took the day off to go shopping and can 't go any where cause the roads are so bad . After bringing the tree home we went to register for baby stuff . It was fun . I 'll post the bedroom stuff in another post . Once we got home B got a call from one of our friends . His wife had been in the hospital all day . Earlier this week she was diagnosed with kidney stones , then yesterday she went to the hospital with severe headaches . They gave her a spinal tap and determined after that she had a brain aneurysm ( sp ? ) . This meant that she needed to be transferred to a hospital 60 miles away . Well her DH was in no shape to drive , especially being that the roads were terrible . So B said he would drive him being that he was coming home after he knew she was ok and settled in so he could take care of their girls . Well I didn 't sleep well cause B didn 't get home until 5 : 30 this morning . It was very frustrating , I was worried he 'd be in a terrible accident or something . He said they had to go 30mph all the way home on the highway this morning . a normally 45 min trip took them an hour and a half . Well I think that 's about it for now . I 'm tired , but I have a lot of things I can get done if I 'm not going shopping today . Post * Brandi * So today 's post is on the total opposite end of the spectrum from yesterday . The most amazing thing happened last night . . . I felt the baby move from the outside ! ! ! I felt it a few times and then I called B in the room and he felt it too ! The little one kicked 4 or 5 times , it was amazing . B only got to feel it once and I said " did you feel it ? " He says " Well I think so , something moved . " All I could think was " Well what else is going to make my stomach move like that ? I just can 't believe it , I 've been waiting for it to happen and it finally did . I really thought I was going to be a good 22 weeks before that happened . Not much else going on , I finished all the decorating last night except the tree , which we still don 't have ! I swear I 'm going to move those damn recliners by myself ! I did talk B into giving them to our house guests when they move out though . We really have no need for them especially when we are going to need room for a pack - n - play in the living room . OK so that 's about it . Well my weekend started off terrible ! Friday night B was a JERK . He had his " Christmas Party " , everyone he worked with met at the bar . Some party , anyway the plan was he wasn 't going to stay long so I was to go shopping and pick him up at 6 : 30 , then we were going to go to dinner . Well at 6 : 30 I go to pick him up and he decides he 's having fun . And everyone wanted to go to a different bar to get pizza and wings . It was right down the road so I said ok . On the way I told him I don 't plan on being out late . So we 're at the other bar for like 2 hours and it 's 9 and me and his bosses wife are bored . And I start not to feel good . Of course B is feeling great after shots and who knows how many beers . Well his coworkers start talking about going to another bar . He says to me " want to go ? " And I was shocked . I had just got done telling him I wasn 't feeling well and that I wanted to go home . So then he says well I can get a ride home . Well it might have been selfish of me , but I basically made it very clear to everyone there that I was mad and he should be coming home with me . I told him it was up to him to decided what he wanted to do . He says " well I don 't want you to be mad at me . " So I said " Well you probably shouldn 't go then . " Well he decided to go , until I called him and said " Why can 't you just come home ? " Of course after that he was the biggest jerk ever . Saying things just to hurt my feelings . Telling me that my mom was going to have to pay $ 100 for venison and how if I didn 't get the futon moved by the time he was done hunting Saturday that he was going to smash it and all this other crap . It really hurt . All cause he doesn 't know when enough is enough . And of course Saturday morning he didn 't remember most of it . So I spent most of Saturday by myself which gave me time to think about what happened Friday night . Which made me so mad most of the day . I did manage to clean out some more boxes from the basement though and get a bunch of Christmas shopping done . I 've condensed 4 boxes from the basement into 2 ! And I Posted by There 's a few things actually . First off , I 'm 19 Weeks ! I just never imagined I 'd make it this far . In a week I 'll be half way there . The time now feels like it 's flying by . It certainly doesn 't seem like it 's been 4 months since I found out . And by this time next week we 'll hopefully know if our little peanut is a boy or girl ! Keeping fingers crossed Peanut won 't keep it 's legs crossed ! Also in pregnancy news , last night when I rolled over in bed I put my hand on my belly and I was able to feel where the baby was ! It was so amazing . But of course then baby moved and B didn 't get to feel it . In other " I can 't believe it " news , I got my Christmas bonus this morning . I was for sure with the way the economy is we wouldn 't be getting much this year , but it is substantially larger than last years and that makes me sooo happy ! We really need it now . And B will be getting his tonight too . Of course his company is having a " Christmas Gathering " if that 's what you want to call it . The guys are all meeting at the bar around 4 : 30 for drinks . Some party , come to the bar and spend your bonus on drinks ! I told B that whatever his bonus is , is what he has to spend on me for Christmas . I hope I made the right choice in saying that ! Well I don 't think there is much else today . Oh except one last thing . . . My ass looks huge in this picture ! The first on is this week and the second is last week . I can totally see a difference in the bottom of my belly ! Oh and I also noticed I 'm starting to have visible stretch marks around my hip bones . But I 've had these a while from my up and down weight over the last few years . So there you have it , week 19 and counting . I 'm so glad this week is about half over . Well , I 'm glad until I start thinking about the fact that it 's one less week I have to do Christmas shopping and what not . Do you know how many people I 've bought for ? 1 ! Do you know how many people I know what I 'm getting them ? 4 and that 's only because they are all getting the same general thing . I just have no ambition this year . I can 't wait to wrap , cause I love that part , but I have no idea what to buy . Not to mention we don 't have much to spend , I don 't even know if we are getting bonuses this year . On the plus side of things these day , last night I started going through a few boxes in our basement . I figure if I go through 2 a night I 'll have it done in no time . And the two I went through last night were a piece of cake . The first one had mostly my mom 's stuff in it so I 'm returning it to her ( I swear she just wanted me to store things for her when I moved out ) . And the second was a box of already sorted garbage that never got thrown away last time ! Here 's a question for you , do you keep old diaries ? Also on a happy note , my MIL ordered the stroller ! I 'm really excited to get it now . Only 9 days left to vote on the sex of the baby ! Ok , so first , yesterday was only OK over all . The game sucked ! B got drunk and stupid , and we sat in the rain through a 10 - 3 loss . Not fun ! The only thing that made it fun was having my best friend there that I haven 't seen since finding out I was pregnant . I miss her so much some times . Today I was all excited because my MIL sent me an email and wants to buy me this stroller : A girl she works with has it and loves it . Said it 's much easier to maneuver than the 4 wheel and it now fits the Graco Sung Ride and Safe Seat infant seats . Which is what I want . I think this one matches pretty nicely . But B and I said that we would like to go and try out some of the 3 wheeled ones cause we haven 't used them first . So B and I plan that after the BIG u / s next week we 'll go out and start registering . Well later I realize that our appointment is on a Tuesday , he bowls on a Tuesday . My appointment was at 1 and the chances of me getting out of there much before 3 are slim to none and he gets picked up for bowling at 5 : 30 . Meaning the only place we could go is Walmart and well there isn 't much there I want to register for . So I called and tried to reschedule my appointment for this Friday or Monday . Well of course the soonest they have is next Thursday at 8 : 30 . UGH , that 's another 2 days ! I don 't want to wait that long . But at least on the plus side I 'll be able to spend the whole day celebrating with B . It 's just so darn frustrating . I HATE bowling ! ! ! Things really haven 't been that exciting lately . I 've mostly not been feeling overly social and my brain has been on vacation , therefore I haven 't been blogging the way I normally do . Last week I was feeling quite weak . You that feeling like you just worked out so long your body feels like jello and you can 't even lift your arms , yeah that 's how I was feeling . Thanksgiving was pretty good . We only ended up going to 3 of our 4 stops . It was nice though . I love seeing my family , and B 's family . Plus I think I looked pretty cute . . . OK , maybe not so much in the picture . For some reason B can 't take a picture in a timely manner and I get frustrated . Then yesterday I took my 18 week belly picture . Today was a sad morning . I had to say goodbye to my grandparents again . They are heading home again until the baby is born . I miss them so much when they 're gone . On the exciting side I have to get the dresser / changing table design I want to my Grandfather so he can start working on it . Well on top of that I need to get working on some Christmas presents , and prepare for tomorrows Buffalo Bills game ! ! ! Yes we are going to the game , as crazy as that sounds ! I 'm really hoping I have fun . I 'm a little worried about getting there 3 hours before the game and being cold . I think in the past the amount of beer I consumed helped with my body temperature . Oh well , we should have fun ! Hope everyone is having a good weekend ! Oh and PS , we 've decided on the crib with the scrolling . I hope we can get it soon ! Not to be so miserable today , but I just can 't help it . Friday and Saturday were so great , yesterday was ok , and today I 'm just miserable . Friday night my nephew spent the night at our house along with Mono 's ( they guy staying with us ) son and daughter . Saturday morning B too Bubby ( my nephew ) out hunting with him . Bubby is 9 and just loved it . He looked so cute wearing this bright orange hoodie that went almost to his ankles . He got to see 3 deer and was so excited . I went to breakfast with my grandparents . And when I came home Mono says to me " Wow , you 're looking pregnant today . " In a weird way it made me feel good . In the afternoon my grandparents came back to visit . They brought some wonderful baby gifts . I 'll have to take some pictures . She made the cutest little sweater with bonnet and booties . I watched some movies , and we went crib shopping when B got back from hunting . It was a great trip ! My mom and her fiance went with us . We had dinner first and then off to Burlington Coat Factory . Let me just say I think their collection is amazing ! This is what we 're looking at . . . The one with the scroll design is the one that B likes and we 've seen in person . I 'm partial to the one without the scroll , but I have to call a store and see if they have it on the showroom floor . I want to make sure we aren 't driving 2 hours for nothing . And if not I 'll ask them the important questions like what wood it 's made out of and so on . They are made by the same company so I 'm not worried about quality being an issue . And B was so sweet all that night , hugging and kissing and rubbing my belly . I love it when we have nights like that . He doesn 't show much emotion in public . Yesterday was a good day for the most part . I hated being home all morning alone , except I got to watch Christmas movies so that was nice . Then the Bills won ! ! ! We really needed that . After the game we went to my FIL 's , its always nice to visit with them for a while . And we went home and basically went to bed . But I wasn 't feeling well . It started out with some Posted by I can 't believe it , 17 Weeks ! I love how the baby looks this week , all curled up and cozy . I wish that 's what I was right now , but oh well . Last night I basically had another nervous break down wondering how on earth we are going to pay for this baby . I call the insurance company last night to ask some specific questions about my plan and basically it covers nothing but part of the cost of delivery . I still have a $ 200 deductible to pay until January 1st before they pay for anything , and then January 1st my deductible renews to $ 225 . After that I pay 10 % of the bill . Except for the delivery . I have to pay $ 250 for that ( even if I 've met my deductible ) and then 10 % of the rest of the bill . I know this really isn 't that bad compared to most , but it 's still a shock to know that by may I have to have an extra $ 500 + . Not to mention the furniture and what not . I 've never been one to ask my family for money so I just don 't know what to do . I think tomorrow we are going to go furniture shopping now that we have a good idea of what we want . I 'm going to see if my mom will come with me so she can help us decide . B just won 't make a big decision like that and well I 'm just indecisive . And now for what you 've been waiting for . . . Don 't mind the evil look in the first one . I swear it too B 5 minutes to take that picture and I just couldn 't hold the smile any longer ! Thanks to everyone who 's voted so far . If you haven 't , you still have time ! Well now that we have a date for the u / s I 've added a poll at the top of my sidebar to see what everyone thinks I 'm having . I 'll post weekly pics of my belly for those of you who like to guess based on that . Plus it 's a count down to how many days til my u / s ! Last night we went and saw Madagascar 2 . It was cute and nice to spend an evening with DH with no calls from his buddies and his complete attention for a few hours . Not that he doesn 't give me attention at home , but some times I think I married a girl . Him and his buddies can 't go two hours without talking to each other and knowing what the others are doing . Not much else to report . I wish it was Friday ! Besides having to wait , which felt like forever but wasn 't really that long , my appointment went great yesterday ! My blood pressure was good , and according to their scale I lost a pound . I asked about omega - 3 supplements and she said she isn 't overly convinced of the affects on the baby , but I personally think it works . My SIL took it and my nephew is unbelievably smart . He was 4 years old explaining to his grandpa about how the batteries made his train work ! So I think I 'm going to start taking it , I figure it isn 't going to hurt . At the end of the appointment she always checks the heartbeat . So I lay back and she feels on my belly and my uterus is just and inch or so below my belly button so she puts the jelly on a little lower than that . No heartbeat , she moves down a little lower , no heartbeat , she says " pull your pants down a little farther " , and there it is ! She says " Your little one is still sitting on your bladder . " with a little chuckle of course . And yes I knew that , I can tell when it moves off and back on cause well , I can wait longer in between bathroom trips . Apparently its comfortable there so who and I to complain . And lastly she said to come back in 3 weeks ! I was so happy she didn 't say 4 ! ! ! So Dec . 9th we should be finding out what sex this little one is ! I 'm so excited the receptionist said the u / s takes about an hour , I can 't wait to watch my baby for that long ! In painful news , I got my blood drawn for the quad screening . B didn 't really want me to , but said he understands I 'm a planner and I 'd want to be prepared . But being that I hadn 't made up my mind while at the OB office I don 't even know when I 'm getting the results back , which is good cause it 's actually keeping me from worrying . And I have bladder issues . When I 'm over tired and don 't wake up at my normal time in the night to go to the bathroom I wake up later . And the problem with that is that it 's pain that wakes me up . I 'll roll over and try and curl up and the pressure of my legs coming up cause major cramping , like to the point I Posted by So yesterday B picked me up for my appointment and we had some extra time so we decided to go visit my mom for a few minutes . Well I left my purse ( including the phone in it ) in the car . So we get to my OB office and I check in at the window . The receptionist says " Oh Brandi , we tried to call you . MaryLou had an emergency at the hospital and had to leave . We 'll have to reschedule your appointment . " Of course ! So now my appointment is at 11 this morning . Poor B was so upset . I told him it wasn 't going to be anything special . But he didn 't care , he said " I still want to know everything she has to say . " Which made me feel good because there have been times when I wondered if he cared at all . So not much to tell this morning . When does your energy come back though ? I 'm still so exhausted all the time . I have to force myself to get out of bed every morning , it 's terrible . And even after my shower all I want to do is lay back down . Now I 'm at work and writing this and I just want to lay my head on my desk and take a nap . " Energy where are you ? Won 't you please come back ? ? ? " Went my cleverness . I used to be able to think of half way decent titles that weren 't so boring , but lately everything seems to be mundane . I 'm absolutely exhausted today and I 'm not sure if it 's the weekend catching up with me or not . Friday night I did talk B into going to BRU ! We have one 45 min . north and another 45 min south of us . I decided to go to the one 45 min south . I 'm hoping it was just a bad choice . During the hour or so that we were in there we saw two disgruntled customers . The first one was trying to get some help with something and couldn 't find anyone , and the second wanted her item in a box that wasn 't damaged and was having trouble getting it . Anyway , I wasn 't overly impressed . But we looked at cribs to get an idea of what we want and realized our choices will be limited . We either need to get one with a drop rail , or a stationary that has a low side . My poor husband is only about 5 ' 6 " and wouldn 't be able to bend over half the cribs with stationary sides . So I 've started little research and comparison project that I hope to have done by the end of November . I also realized how excited B can actually get over this baby . It made me feel so good . Saturday was a long day , although I managed to sleep in til 10 . I went to the mall with my mother and sister . We were there from 2 until 7 . That 's lots of walking . When I got home I didn 't even have the energy to put everything away . And I was quite upset because I bought this shirt that says " . . And that 's what happens when you party naked . . . " but they didn 't take the ink tag off it . So Sunday morning I was up at 4 : 30 with B so I could take him to the diner to meet up with his hunting buddies and I could have the Jeep . Well it turned out that none of the places in town that could help me get the damn ink tag off even opened til 11 . So I got up that early for nothing cause B was done hunting at 10 : 30 . In the end it was ok though cause I got the tag off . I spent most of the day in bed watching TV and working on Christmas presents for our parents ( don 't wanPosted by Well there isn 't much to say besides 4 months down , 5 to go ! ! ! I can 't believe it . In approximately 4 weeks I 'll hopefully be able to find out the sex of the baby ! I really can 't believe I 'm here ! I 'm a little disappointed that I haven 't really felt the baby move again since Monday , is that normal ? Anyway , my indigestion was terrible yesterday , but a nice warm shower and some Tums made me feel better . And as for feeling cute , well that didn 't last long . I did take a pic though . Don 't mind the crap in the background . I swear it will be a nursery by May ! Other than that , I 'm feeling kinda crappy at the moment . I may just need to eat though , haven 't done that yet this morning . I 'm sure I forgot something , but it will have to wait . . . Oh , OB appointment on Monday ! So I 've been reading the Baby Bargains book and it 's been great . I 've learned so much about cribs and the quality and important things . But it 's got me thinking , I have no idea where we 're going to get the money for this stuff ! I mean I know we 're fine for when the baby gets here , diapers , wipes and all that fun stuff , but the big things I don 't know how we 're going to get them ! We have a savings , but we really need it to pay off the bed we just bought , otherwise our credit card is going to be maxed out . And from what I 've been reading we need to order furniture like now in order to have 2 months to set the nursery up . And I have no idea what I want yet ! I was thinking about having my grandfather make the crib , but I don 't know if that 's a good idea cause I want it to match everything else . Ugh , I 've always been indecisive and pregnancy is making it so much worse ! Maybe I can design some sort of armiore that has a changing table in it or something . I 'm pretty sure I read that the dressers tend to be more expensive than the cribs . Ugh here I go giving myself more options ! Not much else to talk about . I 'm still exhausted , but trying to deal with it . And my stomach has been off for a few days , it needs to get better like now ! Oh I forgot to add , I 'm feeling kinda cute today . And when I went down to get 1st breakfast the cashier says " Are you expecting ? " I said " Yup , that 's why I 'm down here a million times a day ! " It 's nice that I look pregnant now for the most part and not just fat ! Well maybe not really . My head is quite foggy today and I can 't seem to concentrate on anything , including writing a blog ! So for my weekend . . . ( the best parts at the the end ! ! ! ) Friday night B was mostly wonderful . I got home and to my surprise he was fixing the vacuum cleaner ( he 's been promising to do this for 3 weeks now ) . The plan was to go buy one . So I sat in the chair to chit chat while he was working on it . But like the rest of the day I had too Pee again ! Thing was , when I got out of the bathroom I found myself heading to " my bedroom " rather than back to the living room . I laid down and drifted in and out our consciousness for a while . I remember hearing a few things like the vacuum running and then not . Well after maybe a half hour I had to pee again . So I was awake . He comes in and says I want to show you something . I walk in the living room and the sweet man has rearranged it so that the couch is in front of the TV again . We had recliners there , but I hated them because it took the intimacy out of the time we spent together there . Then he informs he wanted to go spotlighting . That 's why he was only mostly wonderful . He made me dinner and after I ate I was exhausted . He tucked me into bed about 8 and then went off to do his thing . Saturday seemed terrible . I didn 't feel like really doing anything , but I called my mom and talked her into going to the mall with me . I really needed to get out and at least get some walking in . So I told her I 'd meet her at her house in an hour . So I get there and then had to wait another hour for her to be ready . I have to say I was quite annoyed . And after waiting that hour I was even more tired and miserable . So our time at the mall wasn 't all that great . And then when Target didn 't have the body pillows I really wanted to cry ! It was my main purpose for going . But mom did buy my first package of diapers and I got some new awesome sheets ! Of course when I 'm about to cry over the pillows she says " Oh well they have them at Walmart " ( Target is 30 minutes away from home , WalPosted by That 's what I 've been feeling for the past day or so . Nothing major or anything to worry about , but just that stupid growing achiness . And last night when I got home from work the baby must have decided it was most comfortable sitting on my bladder . I was going to the bathroom every 15 minutes for 2 hours . And not even drinking anything ! In other news I had a terrible dream last night that B was having sex with some big boobed blond . I woke up so sad . And I also had one that some guys were trying to shoot people with these arrow things and turn everyone into aliens . I was about to save the world when I woke up ! The good part is that I know where the dreams came from . I found porn sites on our computer the other night and it bothered me . I mean come on , I feel fat and unattractive as it is . I don 't need B reinforcing my feelings . I guess they come up when he goes to this one site that has funny videos and pictures and stuff . He said if is bothers me he will stop going there though and that made me happy . I guess the fact that we haven 't been able to kiss each other or even sleep in the same bed for a week is starting to wear on me . And the other weird dream is from the Alien Resurrection commercial they 've been playing on TV . Ok , enough of that . Here 's what you 've all been waiting for . . . Me at 15 weeks prego and wondering if I 'll be able to fit through a doorway when I 'm 40 weeks ! So happy it 's Friday ! OK , if you 've seen the first Lord of the Rings movie , you know there is a First breakfast and a Second Breakfast . Well I had the most amazing first breakfast this morning ! I 've been craving strawberry milk for two days now and we 've been out of milk . So this morning I brought my strawberry syrup to work with me . B gave me a funny look when I put it in my bag . So when I got to work I ran down to get my milk , not knowing what else I was going to have ( the bagels n cream cheese with bacon just aren 't good for the waist line ) . But as I 'm grabbing a lid for my decaf coffee I see a sign that says they have pumpkin muffins . So first breakfast was a pint of wonderfully delicious strawberry milk and a nice hot , fresh out of the oven pumpkin muffin . YUUMMMMM . Second breakfast will be a trusty bowl of Lucky Charms . Ok , now that I shared that , I also had my follow up doctor 's appointment yesterday . She said everything with the baby looked good . Growing right on schedule with a healthy heart beat . She also explained that the placenta is most likely what caused the brown spotting . She said that it should correct itself because the placenta continually grows to where the most blood is available and that 's at the top of the uterus so it will grow up and the part down near my cervix should die off ( she used some technical term I can 't remember ) and be re - absorbed . But I am on complete pelvic rest ( " no sex , toys or fingers in there " ) until my next u / s which isn 't going to be for another 4 - 5 weeks . So that 's about it for now . It 's going to be a long frustrating day here at work . Things getting thrown at me all at once and they need to be done NOW ! So I got out of work early yesterday to go get my hair done . And then I was off to get my blood drawn . That surprisingly only took about 5 minutes including parking the car . After that I headed home where B was getting ready for bowling . I decided to go to subway cause I was hungry . This was about 4 . Around 5 : 30 I was feeling exhausted so I went to lay down in my new room ( the spare room with the crappy futon ) . I was laying there catching up on some board reading and all of a sudden I started getting these sharp pains in my cervix area . Not really the normal stretching cramps I 've been getting . So I call my OB office and to my surprise some one answered . ML ( my midwife ) wasn 't there , but the receptionist got her on the line and called me back and patched me through . I couldn 't believe it , my old Dr . I would have just had to wait til morning ! So anyway , I explain the feeling and that I can 't tell if my cm has a brownish tint or if it 's just a really dark yellow . She says " I want you to go to the ER and have them do an u / s just to be safe . " On the one hand I was relieved that she is so proactive , on the other hand hearing her say go to the ER scared the crap out of me . So I called my mom and we headed to the ER . I was pretty impressed there with how quickly they got me in . No waiting until I was in the room . And then I didn 't have to wait long before the tech came in to do the u / s . All I can say is it was amazing ! My little one had a nice hb of 156 bpm . The tech said that was good even though it 's lower than the previous ones because of being farther along . s / he was moving around so much it was hard for the tech to get some measurements , but that was fine with me cause it meant I got to watch longer . The tech was great , she pointed out everything , arms , legs , heart , kidneys , bladder , everything . And she even tried to find the sex , but Peanut had it 's legs closed . And she said it 'd be nothing but a guess anyway . The doctor on duty said that he couldn 't see any signs of a problem , but that the placenta is growing veryPosted by Well I haven 't updated in several days . It was a long tiring weekend . Friday night when I got home from work I was exhausted so I tried to nap , but every time I would start to fall asleep something would wake me up . Then I started to get hungry . So we went out to eat and then shopping . I wanted a body pillow so bad , but no where in town seems to have them . I was so disappointed I wanted to cry . I did get a puzzle to work on though , not that I need any more useless projects , but I like puzzles . So when I got home I started working on the puzzle . Saturday I was actually able to sleep a bit in the morning . My sister had Family weekend at school so around noon I headed to Syracuse . We ate lunch and around 3 we started walking to all the places she wanted to show us . I think it was about 5 when we finally stopped . And I was so glad ! The exercise felt good but all the walking was giving me cramps and my back started to hurt . So for about an hour we sat around , me waiting for B to get there . Then about 6 we started walking to the dome to watch the football game . By half - time I was so sore I couldn 't take it . I waited for the game to start again and we headed home . I felt bad leaving early , but I just couldn 't take it any more . I passed right out when I got home and only woke up once in the night . I was even able to sleep until 8am , I can 't remember the last time I did that . Sunday obviously started out nice with some extra sleep . I worked on my puzzle and made some breakfast . Around 12 : 30 B came home from hunting and we went to football . Which pretty much sucked . Mainly because B was drinking fast and then Buffalo started losing so he got miserable and argumentative . After that we went to his dad 's for dinner . It was pretty nice . I fell asleep in the chair after dinner and then when we got home I went right to bed . Monday was ok until I got home . B is so sick that when he got out of work he decided to go home and sleep rather than go hunting . He basically slept all afternoon , all evening and all night . This meant that I haPosted by I had my first visit with my new midwife yesterday and I love her . I think she 's great . She actually explained things to me like what the pains are and why my hands keep falling asleep . I 'm also excited about the fact that they do their u / s right there in the office . I never really liked have a tech do it and then send the results to the Dr . The thing I don 't like is that they apparently only do 1 u / s too . Why is that ? I 'm so frustrated . I just have this overwhelming fear that something isn 't growing right . I need to see my baby . How do I convey this to my midwife without her telling me " what you 're feeling is normal , everything is fine . " I think I 'll go crazy in the next 6 weeks if I have to wait that long . I wish you could rent u / s machines like you can dopplers ! As for the good things at the appointment , the HB is at 169 and it took her a while to get the number because the baby kept kicking the doppler . It made me smile ! I got my flu shot . Not fun and my arm still hurts , but so worth it ! Let 's see , what else , oh yeah she tested my urine and said I 'm pregnant ! Yeah ! And that I don 't have any infections which is nice to hear . I go back in 2 week and most likely they are going to offer the Triple Screening if I want it . I 'm still so up in the air about this . B doesn 't want it because he feels it 's just something else to worry about . But I 'm already starting to worry so I 'm leaning more towards getting it done . I just don 't know . What are your opinions ? I think we are going to start our baby registry in the next few weeks . Mainly because I know our parents want to get us stuff for the baby for Christmas and I want to make sure they have an idea of the things we need . The part I hate is that if we have to wait for 20 weeks , it 's only going to be 2 weeks before Christmas . Oh well I suppose I just have to deal , even if it does make me want to cry ! To all the responses from yesterday . Some were exactly what I needed to hear and others were a wake up call , but I needed it . During lunch I took our Jeep to my mom 's shop for a repair and had lunch with her while I waited . Well I didn 't actually eat , I mostly cried . Especially when she told me more information about my husband that I did not know . You see my husband and I have a quite a long road . There were several times that I had to look at him and tell him " If this is how things are always going to be then we need to end it now because I won 't live like that . " You see I met my husband while I was home on summer break after my second year of college , I was 20 . B was the bartender at the bar my parents took me too , he was 27 and lived upstairs . We both really thought it was just going to be a summer fling and we were fine with that , hey I was only 20 . Well obviously that didn 't happen . Being that I was in school over 2 hours away we had some hard ships . We were both going out on our own and doing our own thing , but we talked every day and I would drive home every few weekends . We spent a lot of time in the bar though . During my 3rd year of college my step - father and mother got a divorce and when it was time for me to come home for the summer I had no place to stay . My mother and sister had moved to a two bedroom condo and B was sleeping on her couch because his aunt was remodeling his apartment . B and I decided to move in together . There was no way I was sleeping on a pull out bed for 3 months . That summer and following year were rough . He was used to doing his own thing because I wasn 't around all the time and all he had to do was call me . I worked my butt off at school and he worked at home . I would drive home every other weekend to make sure bills were paid , mostly with the money I was making at school . He continued to go out every weekend and when I was home we 'd fight about it . He also started to think that I was coming home because I didn 't trust him , not just because I wanted to see him . When I finally grPosted by That 's what consumed my day yesterday . I don 't know if I 'm being insecure , over emotional or if my feelings are justified . I just feel like my husband just doesn 't care . All he cares about is how much he gets to go hunting . He never asks me anything about the baby and any time he does something nice for me it 's cause he 's sucking up cause he wants to go hunting . Now he is getting a cold but is going to go hunt in the rain anyway because he says " well you won 't let me hunt in the nice weather . " He doesn 't care that him getting sick puts me a greater risk and that I can 't take anything to help myself feel better . He doesn 't care that he could be working today and making money even if it isn 't his normal job and he doesn 't really like it . He has a responsibility to this family and he just can 't see it . I feel so alone . I feel like he doesn 't care if I 'm even around cause when he is home I know he wishes he wasn 't . I feel so unwanted . On Sunday he went hunting in the morning and then came home and he made me breakfast in bed . I said " You 're so good to me " and his reply was " Well I have to suck up if I 'm not going to watch football with you . " Even if that was the reason he could have said " I just love you so much " or " well you 're carrying my baby I can do something . " So he recorded the game and I went and watched it with his family like we have every football Sunday for the last 5 years . Then when he gets home at 6 he goes out in the living room and watches the game . At 8 : 30 he finally comes in the bedroom and asks what 's wrong . I told him " I thought I 'd get to spend some time with you tonight . " and his response was " Well you could have watched the game with me . " No , I shouldn 't have too , you should spend time with me and watch the damn game some other time ! Just like he tells me he doesn 't CHOOSE to go hunting over me . Well the way I see it is he has a choice to either go hunting or to stay home with me , he goes hunting , that 's making a choice . Yesterday he said to me after I asked him if he was staying home when he goPosted by I can 't believe I 'm here ! ! ! I 'm 13 weeks today . Sadly I think I may be getting a cold though . Guess I 'll be staying in this weekend , no sense in being out in the rain . I 'm really hoping I was just snoring last night though and not coming down with something . So here are the pictures I promised yesterday : My Favorite ( the pants are so soft and I love the cuffs ) My 2nd Favorite ( Daddy loved it ! ) And This ( Aren 't the feet just adorable ? ! ) I don 't know if I actually feel safe yet , but I keep telling myself that some time in the next few weeks I will start feeling my little one move and well I just can 't wait . Of course with my luck I won 't feel it til 20 weeks , but either way , every day is one day closer ! Oh and I talked to my mom yesterday and my aunt has already started planning my baby shower . I don 't know for when or anything , but apparently she 's already got ideas . I feel so loved ! ! ! Oh and one more thing , B spent all of last night with me . We went to dinner and then shopping . It was so nice to spend some time with him ! I think that 's it now . It 's been a rough week . Emotionally really . I 've dealt with depression for a large part of my life , though I never thought it would come into this stage . One of my biggest problems with depression is that I don 't like to admit I 'm depressed , I like to bottle it up and hide it . Well yesterday I decided that I just needed to admit to it and deal with it . Get to the root of what was causing my depression . I told B how I was feeling and he was as supportive as he could be through text messages . Until he tried to get me to go off shopping after work . Now I could just be blowing things out of proportion here , but my feeling was that he wanted me to be busy after work so that he could go hunting and not feel guilty . I realized I was depressed because I basically started crying all the time . And I didn 't really want to talk to anybody or see anybody . Kind of hard when I work in an office . So I started wanting to just stay home . But that of course meant being by myself . Depression is a strange thing because I always get this feeling that I don 't want to be around people , but I don 't want to be alone either . Anyway one of the things that has really been getting me down is how I look . Getting dressed in the morning has brought me to tears all week . I basically look fat in everything and I 'm not comfortable . I 've been meaning to go shopping for over a week now , but like I tried to explain to B , by the time I get out of work I 'm too exhausted to drive 45 minutes away ( to where they sell maternity clothes ) , shop for a few hours , and then drive 45 minutes back . I 'd be in an accident before you knew it . So yesterday I told my boss I wasn 't feeling well and that I was leaving at noon . Which I really didn 't feel good , but not in a " I 'm going to lose my breakfast " sort of way . Then I met up with my mother who drove me to the mall . After 3 . 5 hours of shopping and $ 400 later , I feel better . Well some what . I at least don 't feel like a pile of crap stuffed into a potato sack anymore . I was so excited when I got home , I couldn 't wait to Posted by I guess I 'll start with my weekend . It wasn 't as much fun as I thought it would be . I don 't know if i I got myself so exited about it that it couldn 't live up to my expectation , or if it really wasn 't as much fun . I guess it started because I had to rush around to get ready and B was home , but was off doing other things that I found pointless and it frustrated me . Friday night wasn 't too bad except everyone else was ready for bed before me for some reason . It was strange , but once I fell asleep it was surprising a good night 's sleep . It was nice to see the sun shining when I woke up . These days it 's still dark when I get to work . I think Saturday was rough because my bed was a pull out couch so Aunt L sat with me , but along with this came her German Shepard and healer . Don 't get me wrong , I love the dogs , but it makes it hard to lay down and get comfy . Not to mention every time she went out to smoke the smell when she came in turned my stomach . Then yesterday wasn 't great because I started feeling sick again . It was real bad when I went to bed last night . Wanted to cry , the only way I didn 't feel sick was when I sat up , but I was cramping when I sat up . And speaking of cramping , it started yesterday morning . Nothing major , I 'm pretty sure it 's just stretching cause when I got home last night I had no problem finding the heartbeat that was at 166 , slightly slower , but nothing for me to worry about . Oh and B got to hear it for the first time . His eyes lit up , it was great ! And one good thing about yesterday . . . Buffalo is 5 - 1 ! ! ! Today I 'm kind of tired and cranky . Slight head ache , slight nausea , a little bit of everything . I can 't wait to go home and take a nap . I also called a new doctor 's office today . I think I may switch doctors . I 've heard some good things about this new doctor from a lady I work with . And another one just had her second with this doctor and just loves her too . I 'm just waiting for a call back because of course you only get the answering service during the lunch hour . But that 's better than my Posted by I honestly can 't believe I 'm here , 12 weeks . Some how I 'm starting to feel a little safe . Although I tend to remind myself that something could still happen . Especially when I start thinking about telling more people . The truth is though that after next Friday I will have to tell work . Mainly because at my work we are so busy that they hire a temporary person to take your spot while out on maternity leave , which I have to say I 'm happy is 3 months . I guess what worries me is that my temp will be better suited for the job than me . Anyway , I have some good news . . . The other night as I was laying in bed , home alone again , it was bowling night , I decided to give our rented doppler a try and guess what , I found that precious sound ! It was great , I wish I had some one to share it with , but it was still wonderful . I also got other news this week . One of my pledge sisters from my sorority is due 4 weeks after me ! I just wish she lived closer than 2 hours away . It would be so nice to have some one in town to share this experience with . I guess that 's about it for now . Oh I almost forgot . I leave for sister 's weekend today ! 2 days of laying around watching movies and eating the most wonderful food with women I love ! Who could ask for more after a rough a week ? I have been trying to find the right words to say here all day and they just aren 't coming to me . I have taken several moments today to remember where I was in January and I have to say , when I let myself think about it , it 's still a very open wound . I want to send everyone who has experienced a loss a great big hug . I 've also been having this terrible guilt feeling for continuing to blog about my pregnancy . Especially when it probably seems like I 'm complaining all the time . I remember what it was like when people would say things like " Be glad you aren 't going through this morning sickness " or " I hope this baby is worth it " . I don 't want to be that girl . I know this baby is worth it because it 's all I ever wanted , and if it takes morning sickness to get that baby then I 'll tough it out . But I have to be honest , it doesn 't mean I have to like it . I just don 't want my wonderful friends who helped me through all the rough times think I 'm taking this for granted , I remind myself every day what it took for me to get here and also that it could have been worse for me . I 'm wishing everyone the best of luck in their adventures . No matter what it is ! I don 't know if I could have gotten here without all your love and support ! Much love ! Check out my ticker , less than 200 days now ! Still seems like forever though . I 'm still praying for the day when I feel better . I think it 's slowly getting better when I look back on the days , but during the day it doesn 't seem it so much . Not to mention the headaches that are starting . I went to the mall last night I broke down and bought my first pair of maternity pants and a couple sweaters . Now first let me say that the jeans I tried on were horrible . They made my ass look huge . Every pair I tried on were boot cut , and well with my body shape boot cut just doesn 't cut it . Not to mention they were all too short . Apparently in order to get them in longs I have to be 2 sizes smaller ! On the plus size , I did find a pair of black pants and they are sooo comfy ! I 'm wondering why I waited this long to get them . I think the beginning of next week I 'm going to go to a thrift store and see what I can find . I hate to spend this much $ on new clothes I won 't be wearing long . On to my 4 hour pizza drive , I know you 've all been holding your breathe just waiting to hear it . So after B leaving me home alone Saturday he promised me we would go to the Iron Kettle Farm on Sunday . So after doing some running around to get some extra $ to go , we take off . It was a beautiful sunny day and warm . He tells me the place is just out side of Ithaca . OK , not too far of a drive . So we drive and we turn onto 96 and we drive some more . Well finally we 'd been driving for like an hour and I said " I thought this place was just outside of Ithaca ? " He says , that 's what I thought too . Well about a half hour later I 'm starting to get hungry ( not a good thing ) so I get out our map . We 'd been driving in the wrong direction for an hour . But I knew there was another town with food shops in it less than a half hour away . So we continued until we got to Waterloo . Then , being that we were already halfway around Cayuga Lake , we decided to just go the rest of the way around . So there you have it , we had a 4 hour drive and the only thing we did was stop and gePosted by I can 't believe I only have a week and a half left in my 1st trimester . It seems unreal , especially being that I still feel like crap . I 'm starting to see a pattern though . If I do nothing but lay in bed for one day , then the next I move to the recliner and do minimal work , I 'll feel great for the 3rd day . That 's how this weekend went so yesterday we took a 4 hour car ride ( I 'll explain later ) and I was fine the whole time , besides some cramping in my hips . Now today I 'm exhausted and my stomach is off . I didn 't take any naps yesterday between 7am and 10pm and I 'm sure that 's why . Thursday and Friday were very rough nights for me . I 'm feeling a little neglected , as I always do this time of year , when hunting starts . But this year it 's worse . Most likely the extra hormones and feeling lonely . I hate the fact that even when B is with me , like yesterday , I can tell all he is thinking about is hunting , turkey , deer , whatever . And I can tell that he would rather be doing that than something with me and it just hurts . He got upset with me on Saturday because he was leaving to go hunting and I was upset he was leaving again , but I wouldn 't call some one to " hang out with " . First off I only have one friend in town and she works all the time and we don 't have many interests in common . She 's more of a hippie , bike riding , guitar playing girl . Me I like my crocheting , reading , craft show type things . She actually doesn 't even know I 'm pregnant yet . Then there is my family , who I can only take so much of . My sister is great , but in her first semester of college and when she comes home her time is pretty much spent with her boyfriend and her home work , so unless you 're going to take her to the mall for 8 hours , don 't bother asking what she 's doing . I also tried to explain to him that when I do go places right now I need to know that I can leave whenever I want in case I start to feel sick or overly exhausted and being that he was taking the vehicle I couldn 't do that . Am I being difficult and selfish ? I mean who wants to hang Posted by Well today 's appointment went great . B wasn 't able to make the appointment because of work , so my mom and sister went with me for moral support . I got there right on time , but had to wait in the waiting room for a half hour . Then when I finally got called back I had to wait in the exam room for a half hour . It sucked cause I had to pee and I was starving . To the point of feeling sick when I left . Anyway , she started out by saying that if she wasn 't able to find the heartbeat she was going to immediately send me downstairs for an ultrasound . In way knowing that I wouldn 't have to wait any amount of time for the u / s made me hope my uterus was tilted just enough to not hear it . But after probably 5 minutes of searching she was able to find the faintest beat . Very fast though . She said at this point in the pregnancy all the heartbeats " are girls " and it won 't slow down for another month or two . She also said she doesn 't need to see me for another 4 weeks . She did say something disappointing though . She said that she will schedule an anatomy u / s around 18 to 20 weeks , but if they don 't get to see the sex , then I have to wait til birth . That kinda bothers me . In other news , I actually know what I want for dinner tonight , and I couldn 't wait to get home and tell B . He hates having to pick dinner so I knew he 'd be excited . Well I get home and he isn 't there , but sent a text saying he was on his way home . Some how I knew before I even saw them that there was more than just him and M walking up the stairs . Sure enough , the new guy they work with was with them . I swear no one that works there has a fricken car . So I let them tell me their story about how their boss got in an accident with the work truck because there were bees in the truck ( he 's allergic ) and he was trying to get them away and ended up running into a mail truck . He asked about the appointment ( which I sat there thinking through his story that he better ) . Then he proceeded to tell me that he forgot to take his mussel loader to work for his buddy so he has to Posted by |
She has a very athletic build and while it almost seems like she 's stick figure skinny , if you look closely , she has some muscle on her bones . Annabeth has swimmer 's shoulders which is a very self conscious about but it 's not too bad . Though she 's a bit insecure about her shoulders , the rest of her body she 's fine with , and when she 's not swimming competitively , she 's not afraid to wear a bikini or even tight fitting shirts ( though she likes loose and flowing more ) Annabeth is a very introverted girl and she tends to shy away from people which gives off the vibe that she is slightly anti - social ( which she typically is ) . She is also a bit awkward and doesn 't always know how to strike up a conversation with others , and sometimes she talks about things that most people are not interested in . Such as constellations . She has a hard time con - veiling her feelings to others as well as starting up a conversations . She much rather sit at home or in her dorm than be forced to go to party . Parties actually make her very anxious , almost to the point that she literally gets sick . However , once you get to know Annabeth though , and if she opens up to you , then she 's really not that bad . She 's a little more friendly and open , but not much . Do not be offended though , it 's just that socializing , even with those that she 's extremely close to , tires her out . However , she becomes a little more goofy , telling a few jokes here and there and with those she opens up to , she feels more comfortable around , and doesn 't mind laughing with them , or even hanging out with them . Born to a house wife and a man who is the President of a very important company , Annabeth has never really known what it means to relax and just have fun . Since she was little , her father expected perfection from her , perfection in sports , grades , academics , you name it . When she couldn 't make it , just falling short , her father would give her a good beating , not enough to leave marks but enough to instill fear in her . Yeay , not really a pleasant home to live in , now is it ? Her father has instilled that she has to be absolutely perfect , if not than she earns a nice little beating , or she is no longer claimed as his daughter . Because of this pressure , Annabeth has come to believe that she has to be perfect or no one will love her , no one will like her , or even want to be around her . Because of this , she has dedicated her time to studying all the time and keeping herself in her room to make sure she reached perfection . However , she lacked social skills and became slightly awkward around others , not sure what to do to hold a conversation . What she gained in one skill , she lost in another . When she was old enough , her father sent her to Manchester ( a very prestigious school ) and told her to not bother coming back if she couldn 't do well . For awhile she made sure to ace every test , gain connections and she was getting really good at it , close to the point that she could be considered to be part of the popular clique , however after coming to realize that no matter what she did ; her father would never be impressed she stopped trying . She still worked hard to get her grades , but the connections fell flat and soon Annabeth faded back into the shadows , moving to observe people and watch their quirks , habits , learn more about them from watching . Though life at Manchester wasn 't going so well , soon she began to be targeted by bullies and the arranged relationship her father had set her up with didn 't turn out so well so she was pulled and moved to a new place . She will now be going to Alibaster Prep , once again another prestigious school , if not better than Manchester . Likes : Seamus was basically your typical jock . He wasn 't as bad but he still bullied people from time to time , he played with girls hearts without a care and he was your loud jock that didn 't give a damn . He was very close minded to others and he thought that the world revolved around him but after his death and realizing things he didn 't when he was alive , his attitude has changed . Seamus is still your loud mouth , flirty and arrogant jock but he 's more open minded and more of a realist . He looks on the real side of things , will this hurt anyone , what is he really doing ? Honestly the fifteen years of isolation in the house that he was murdered at gave him some time to think and at first he was angry and would throw things around the house , storm up the steps and bang on the walls but he 's grown out of that . Now he 's just done and he just watches as people come and go , though sometimes he does haunt the place from time to time . Seamus is now actually quiet loyal , though he really has no one to be loyal to and he 's very caring , a story for another time . Bio : Seamus was always the life of the party . He took on dares and always made sure he had a girl on his arm , it was pretty great in all honesty , at least in his opinion , but whatever . He had a loving family , his parents were always proud of him , star of the foot ball team , captain of the basketball team and fastest runner of the track team . He was going to get a scholarship for his sports and he was going to go to the best of the best schools , that is until death decided to interfere . On the day of his birthday he was murdered in his own house . It was a brutal murder , quite bloody and one of those you would see on television describing the murder . A true shame . His parents ended up moving to a different state , leaving behind poor Seamus . He stayed and haunted the house , angry and first though there was one person had calmed him down for some time but she soon died of cancer and of course he thought he was going to see her ghost , reunite with her and fall in love . . . but that never happened . He never saw her ghost and he was all alone once more . Likes : Kylin is the sweetest , kindest , happiest , loving guy you will ever meet . He tries to make friends with everyone and you will never see him frowning . He doesn 't worry about himself as much as he should . but instead he pays attention to helping others . Ky is very considerate and he makes sure other 's are okay before he worries about himself . He is outgoing and very much considered the class clown . He is always cracking jokes , especially small little puns in hopes of making someone he cares about smile . Kylin is always up for new adventures and fun times , especially because he is a very social person who loves to talk . Don 't let that full you though , because he is very stubborn . He doesn 't get angry a lot , but when he does , that is how you know you have gone too far . He is the jokster who is pretty laid back and doesn 't worry about much , althought when someone he cares about gets hurt , it 's a different story . He is always a very happy person who tries everything he can to do whats right , and if anything , he is the person you can rely on and the person who tries to make you smile , even when you 're mourning over him . Bio : Kylin was born to a big family of five , not including his parents . His mother had always wanted a big family , but she never imagined having five chidren , especially with four of them being males . Kylin was born the third oldest , though the eldest of the boys died in a tragic car accident when he was three , so Kylin stepped up and played the second eldest brother to his two younger brothers and sister . He lived on a farm for the longest time , but when he was twelve his parents decided to move closer to his grandparents because they were becoming ill , so they moved right in the middle of a big city . Kylin never exactly got use to the big city life , but he did learn how to act like he did for his mothers sake . He lived life up and he was always the class clown . He did everything he could and lived his life by the moment , not taking a single second for granted . That was until death stepped into his view and blocked him . On a cold , rainy day a man attacked Kylin on his way home from school . He was suppose to graduate a few weeks later in the winter so that he could go on to college early , but the man attacked , murdered , and mugged Kylin , leaving a horrible and nasty discovery for the police to find the next morning in an empty alley way . His parents moved back to the farm with his siblings , not able to love there alone anymore , but they left Kyling to haunt the house . And he did . Likes : Bailey is a very bright girl who everyone loves . She has many friends due to her loving and caring nature , and she is always looking for ways to have fun . She is super funny and although she isn 't the class clown because she can be shy , her friends always think sheis funny . She is sort of lame too , always cracking lame puns and into the things that others don 't reall care for . Bailey loves friends and having adventures and doing crazy things , and she doesn 't let people walk up over her . She stands up for herself , but she is still very reseved . She doesn 't get close to many people , despite people trying , and she usually doesn 't open up to people . She is very locked up and silent about her feelings and her past , not that she had a bad one . Despte this , Bailey is not shy , but she is just safe and careful , trying to protect herself . She is very jumpy , for many reasons , but she tries not to show her fear , though she usually fails . She is very opinionated and will tell you if she dissagrees with you . She is also very stubborn and hard headed , but she knows right from wrong . Overall she is an amazing person that tries to do good while protecting herself from pain . Bailey was never even given a chance in the world . Her biological parents abandoned her on the side of the road and didn 't think twice about her . When she was found and put into foster care , she was just a few weeks old . When she turned three her biological mother came back and faught to have her daughter back and succeeded . Things were great with them for awhile , then when foster care stopped chaking in , her mother turned back to drugs and alcohol and selling her body to get money . By the time Bailey was six her mother married a man who become Bailey 's step father , and he was very abusive . He never hit her mother , but Bailey always ended up with a few more bruises than the day before everytime she went to bed . When she got a little older , her younger brother was born and the abuse got worse . The physical and sexual abuse contiued from her step father , but emotional and mental abuse tied in , this time with ehr mother helping . When Bailey was eleven she tried running away from home after school , but her step father found her and brought her back , where she got the worse beating than before . That night she ended up in the hospital with a knife in her hip . She had to have surgery , but she survived and her and her sister were taken away and put back into foster care . They were in foster care for a few years until she turned fourteen and her biological father decided to finally become a part of her life again . He adopted both of the girls and they moved to a new city to start over . After a few years , her father got a job offer , causing them to move one more time where they moved into the towns haunted house . " Hannah , will you please pick up your toys . Go put them up in your room , at least until we finish unpacking and moving in . Go take that dress off too . You got that for Aunt Rachel 's wedding next summer . If you tear it all up or get it dirty then you 'll have to wear your jeans . Do you want that ? " Bailey picked up a toy which she had stepped on and looked at her foot which he began to bleed . Groaning just slightly , the teenager tossed the toy in the toy box in her younger sister 's room . Thankfully Bailey didn 't have to share a room with Hannah now that they moved , which was the one good perk to them moving across country . The downsides ? Well , she left all of her friends , her boyfriend , the new life she had created , and not to mention that she would have to start over , again . She wasn 't complaining though , she had leared early in life that things could be much worse . She was just thankful that they had a place to live and that even after everything , she had somehow survived . Glancing at her sister who stuck her tongue out and walked into her room , Bailey shook her head and started towards the bathroom down the hall . " Hey , kiddos , I 'm going to get some pizza . Do you want to come with me or stay here ? Oh , Bailey , what happened to your foot ? Hannah jumped up and into their father 's arms . He caught her swiftly and then looked back up at Bailey who was leaning against the bathroom door , putting a bandage on her cut . " Bailey stepped on one of my toys . But I wanna go ! Can I carry the pizza ! Pleaseee ? ? " Bailey shrugged . " I will stay here and keep unpacking . I want to get moved in before school Monday , if that 's okay . Bailey watched as her father nodded and told her to be safe . He told her to keep the door locked and not to answer the door until he got home . She didn 't know why he was so worried though . By the way everyone talked the only thing to fear here was in their house , not outside of it . Everyone warned them that this house was haunted , but no one mentioned by who or why ; for all Bailey knew , someone could have been murdered upstairs in her bedroom . She wasn 't afraid of ghosts anyway , not that she believed in them though . After watching her dad and sister pull out from the driveway , Bailey walked down the hall she had previously been in but this time passed the bathroom . She continued walking until she got the the stairs . Grabbing one of her few boxes of personal items , Bailey carefully walked up the stairs and through the door . It was obvious that no one had moved in in quite awile due to dust that had collected in the window seals and around the closet doors . Bailey didn 't mind , it would just be a little dusting to help that problem . What she did mind was unpacking . Plopping down in a rolly chair by a desk , Bailey sighed and looked out the front window , putting off unpacking as much as she could . Eventually she stood and grabbed the box . Sitting it on the edge of the bed , she decided to rearrange a little before she began to unpack . She started by moving her desk to another wall and then shifting her bed just slightly before giving up . For a small girl like Bailey to move the bed even a little bit was a mircale , but she knew that it wasn 't going much further . After her room was arranged like she wanted , She opened her window and cracked the door to the balcony so that she could let some of the cold , fresh air into her room . Pulling her overshirt off , she tossed it on her bed and continued with her tank top and jeans , knowing her father would kill her if he caught her like that with the windows open when it was cold . Despite this , Bailey began to unpack everything by the time she took a break , almsot everything was unSmiling , obviously satisfied with her work , Bailey sat the last two boxes she had beside her bed and climbed up on her bed to lay back and relax . She stared up at the pictures on the cieling she had hung and began to relax until she heard a noise outside of her door . Thinking that her father was home already , Bailey jumped up and shut her door and window before slipping her shirt back on . She opened the door to walk back downstairs when she saw a teenage male standing in the house . Shocked , the girl hurried to shut the door and pressed her back against it with her hand over her heart . Sureley she was just seeing things , right ? Taking a small breath , she opened the door again and stood shocked to see the male still there . Kylin didn 't want to still be here , in fact , you would think that after you died then you would leave and go somewhere else , whether it was heaven or hell or afterlife or reserection or rebirth or whatever else people believed , but not Kylin . He stayed right here on earth after his death . Maybe it was becasue of the way he died . He had always heard that murder holds the soul , maybe because he wasn 't ready to die . Eighteen years had gone by quickly , and it definitely wasn 't a full life . He still had so many things that he wanted to do . Like graduate and go to college and get married and have children and live life . He was going to travel and finish his bucket list and grow older and be the cool grandpa that spoiled his grandkids . He wasn 't going to die young . That wasn 't his plan , and it wasn 't fair ! Part of Kylin was still angry , but he didn 't know why . He had never been an angry person , in fact he was the opposite . He was the happy guy and he was barely ever angry . But now all he did was stay in the house he lived in before he died and haunt it . Anyone who came was sure to leave in a fright and he had worked up quite a great reputation around town . Everyone was terrified of the house and of him , not that he would hurt a soul . There was just a part of him that couldn 't let go and a part of him that didn 't want to let go . Despite this , Kylin sat in a chair and stared at the empty picture frames and the silent television . That 's all he ever did anymore . He could leave and occassionally he would take a walk and see what was happening outside of the house , but he didn 't want to accidently bump into someone or do something that would make people suspisious . But although he didn 't want to cause any trouble , Kylin still found an excuse to go out once or twice a week , at least . Today was one of those occassions . Kylin was walking on the sidewalk as he came up to the familiar house . For a moment it felt like old times . Sometimes so much that he forgot that he was dead , but then it would always come back . When Kylin saw a car outside in the diriveway , his eyebrows cringed in confusment as he hurried to get to the house . He slipped through the door and saw a female and male looking around , smiling . Part of Kylin cringed of jealousy , but that slipped through him quickly as he walked to get a better view of them . That was when he noticed pictures on the walls that had not been there before , along with a radio playing and the lights in the hallway on . He looked at the couple confused and then walked down the hallway and towards his old bedroom . He looked around and the more he looked , the more he saw the differences and how it looked like they were moving in . But . . they couldn 't . He could just scare them away like he did the others . It wasn 't too late . Grabbing the bathroom door , he slammed it shut and waited as the male from before hurried to see what was wrong . Kylin smirked a little and then knocked a few pictures off of the wall , and stomped away . Then he walked up the stairs and opened the bedroom door , but once he walked in and shut the door behind him , he sighed and went to look out the winow to see if they were leaving yet when he noticed his room looking differnet . He turned and noticed a teenager in his room . The girl had definitely changed his room from what it looked like before , but that didn 't matter to him . It was jsut one more person he had to scare away . " Great , another one . At least she 's cuter than the other 's who come through here . " Kylin mumbled this to himself , oblivious to the fact that this girl was a lot different than just in the looks . She could see him . Annabeth really didn 't mind moving , it 's not like she had that many friends back at Manchester or anything , so picking up and moving to a new place to attend an even more prestigious school didn 't surprise her nor did it phase her one little bit . So here she was in her new house , moving things in and out of the house and up to her new room . " Start unpacking and when you 're done , we 're going to go talk to the neighbors . " Her father told her and Annabeth nodded her head as she set her things down and began unpacking . Most of her boxes contained books , ranging from romance to paranormal and everything in between . A small sigh escaped her lips as she began to unpack them and placed them on a nearby bookshelf that the movers had previously set up just awhile ago . After finding out about what happened in Manchester , her father had softened just a bit but he was still very strict and that didn 't stop the few bruises he would cause every now and then . He was also still very quick to anger . Looking around the area , she remembered hearing the story that this place was haunted and a young male was murdered near by . But to be honest , it never really frightened her and she didn 't actually believe that stupid little ghost story , though her opinion changed as she started to hear the slamming of a nearby door in her house . Annabeth could hear the running of footsteps and the heavy breathing of her father as he came to inspect it before coming into room and shooting her an angry look . " Why are you slamming the door ? " He asked his voice stern and it was easy to see he was trying to keep his temper . " I 'm sorry father , I must not have been careful . " She told him softly , hearing the falling of pictures , causing her father to let out an irritated sigh . " Moving is such a pain . Nicole ! " He shouted as he stormed out of her room , leaving Annabeth alone once again . The boxes that remained still contained a numerous amount of books and she was pretty sure that she going to have to ask her father to get yet another bookshelf in this room , or better yet ( since she knew her father will expand the house to begin with ) and she 'll just ask if he can in put a new bookshelf . Picking up a book , she looked up when she heard someone mumble and a small frown crossed her features . Looking around her room , she dropped the book that she was holding when she noticed that there was a male in her room . Blue eyes went wide and she dropped her book , scrambling back . " Ho - how 'd you get in here ! ? " Annabeth stuttered as she got away from the male that looked just a couple of years older than her . She looked around for something to throw , her hand reaching out and grabbing the closest thing nearby . A pillow . . . not really the best line of defense but it might be good enough to distract him and let her run down the stairs to her parents . Obviously her parents hadn 't invited him into their house , her father would never let someone see their house in such a disaster . Her gaze flitted to the door , heart racing as she thought about bounding down the steps and talking to her parents then again what would her parents say ? Would they think she was lying ? They thought that she was lying when she first told them about the bullying she experienced back at Manchester as well as what Ashton was doing . It took a good beating from a group of girls , or as they call themselves , Ashton 's fan club , and the principle of Manchester to step in , in order to get her parents to believe . Well in order to get her father to believe her . Her mother wasn 't that bad , she was closer to her mother than her father and her mother understood , but her mom was afraid of her father . Now Annabeth 's father has never raised a hand towards her mom , but his over powering aura and his quick temper was a bit scary , so of course one would cower , that 's what made him the perfect President of his company . The words that Annabeth wanted to scream at the male got caught in her throat and she just stared wide eyed at the boy , frozen and rooted to the spot . She couldn 't actually will herself to move , her heart beating rapidly and her face showing the fear that she felt . The stories about a ghost haunting this house immediately filled her mind and it ran circles throughout , though it was quickly cut when she heard smaller footsteps and her mother showed up . " What 's wrong sweetheart ? She asked with concern in her voice and Annabeth looked at her mother frantically . " Y - you don 't see him ? " She asked in a small voice watching as her mom looked around the room and seeing no one else but her . " Who sweetheart ? " Annabeth 's mother stepped closer a concerned look growing even more and the young teen felt a lump form in her throat . " There 's a boy . . . right there . " She pointed towards the empty spot , her eyes meeting with his before she looked back at her mom . " Are you feeling alright ? " Annabeth felt as a cool hand was pressed to her forehead and she gulped , closing her eyes . Maybe the stress of the move was just getting to her , she just houtfit : He had been haunting this house since his death . February 14 , the day of his birthday and also the day of his death . It was heartbreaking really , at least from what he saw . His parents grieved and mourned his death , his sister was far too young to actually know what was happening and after everything , they eventually moved out of the house , leaving him behind . Of course Seamus could follow but there was something that kept him from leaving , not a hidden force but he just couldn 't bring himself to move with his parents , he could have if he wanted to but he never did . Maybe because it was practically his childhood home and the thought of leaving all the memories behind was heart breaking to him , not that he would admit that ever . He remembered the male 's face , and he felt the pain explode through his chest and from there he watched as the male hacked away at his body and leave no remains of who he was . It was pretty stupid to murder someone in his own house thought in his opinion but whatever . From that day Seamus never left his house , not because he couldn 't but because he didn 't want to . Odd enough he found solace in this broken little house that faced a murder and others left . He had haunted this place , called it his own and protected it from everyone moving in and claiming it as their own . This was his house and it was going to forever be his house and he 'd be damned if he let someone else move in . Seamus sat at his window sill , something his parents made him when he was younger , a little reading window ( not that he ever read to begin with ) but it was a nice window seat . He enjoyed looking at the stars , the sunrise or sunset , this was his favorite place to go when he was younger . He didn 't want anyone else to sit where he sat , to feel calm so he haunted this house . He never hurt anyone but he made sure to slam doors , replace things that didn 't belong scare the people that lived and sent them fleeing . Every once and awhile he would leave the house though , go visit his sister who was now at the age of twenty five with one kid and another on the way . He would have been an Uncle and his niece was the cutest little thing , he certainly saw his baby sister in it . Sometimes he would visit his parents that still mourned his death , wished he was alive and well but that couldn 't be changed . His life was cut short and thus proven once more that life was unfair . That 's what happened this day . Seamus had left his house his house to check on his sister who was doing very well , missing her brother but well none the less and now he was back , watching as a family moved into his house . Anger coursed through his veins and he knew he shouldn 't be angry but he was . Letting out a low growl he moved to rock the house , move a few boxes that had yet to pick up and storm into the house . Seamus banged on the walls , threw something against a wall , the anger coursing through his body . There were days when he was fine and other days when he got so angry he wanted to break everything in sight , scream and yell , break down crying . His heart hurt from the fact that he was never able to go to college , never get married or see his baby sister grow up to be the wonderful girl that she was . After his rampage , Seamus stood # 8 Kylin groaned to himself both mentally and physically . He turned his back to the girl and looked out the window until he heard a new voice shriek in fear . Turning around and expecting to see a third party , Kyling realized that the girl was staring him right in the eyes . Shocked , Kylin looked behind him , but there was nothing but the walls which needed painted , or at least some kind of decoration . Turning back to the blue eyed girl , Kylin 's eyebrows knitted together in confusment . " Wait , you can see me ? Can you hear me ? Wait , no no no ! D - Don 't scream . I won 't hurt you . " Kylin looked as the books dropped and she asked him how he got in there . He would love to tell her that it was actually his house , but he couldn 't . He didn 't know what to do . No one had ever seen or heard him before . Sure , they heard his footsteps and the slamming and when he moved stuff , but they never heard his voice or him breathing . But yet somehow , this girl did . How ? That was still a mystery , but definitely something that he would figure out , or at least try to . Hearing the door begin to open , Kylin groaned and froze . If this whole family could see him then maybe he wasn 't going insane . Maybe it ran in the blood , he thought , but when the mother seemed to look right through him , he knew that she couldn 't see him . Confused , the male stared straight at the girl as she looked at him in fear and in confusment . He looked at the older woman as the younger girl did the same . Watching her leave , Kylin turned and looked back at the girl who looked about sixteen , maybe seventeen . He had become good at that ; figuring out people 's ages . He took a small breath and looked at her . " You can see me , but they can 't . No one else has , so why can you ? " Sure , Kylin wasn 't the one who was seeing a ghost , but he felt just as nervous and scared as she looked . He stood up tall despite this and didn 't let his fear show . Taking a step towards her , he noticed that she was firmly pressed against the back wall . He kept his hands raised to show that he woudln 't hurt her until he got close enough that he could pick up the books she had dropped . He glanced at them and then turned his full attention back to the female . Maybe this was all a dream . Yes , that 's what it was . It was a dream . He wasn 't really dead at all . He was still alive and he was jsut dreaming a weird dream , one which he would escape if he jsut woke up . He handed the books to the girl and then stepped back , giving them both plenty of space . Without thinking , Kylin pinched his arm and flinched . Okay , so pinching didn 't wake up , but he felt pain . That was something , right ? He couldn 't remember the last time he felt real pain , though a pinch didn 't hurt him much . [ " I 'm Kylin . Kylin Simmons . I - I use to live here but there was an accident and I . . Well , my parents moved away in mourning . I have just stayed here . I don 't really know why though , but no one else has ever seen me before . Can you . . feel me ? " Reaching out slowly , careful not to scare the already shaken up girl , he reach out and began to touch the girl . Just before he reach her hand Bailey Hope Grisham Bailey stared at the man who stood at the bottom of the stairs in fear . She was certain that she had locked the doors , double locked them even ! How had he gotten in and what did he want . Her mouth gaped open and when she realized that she was staring at him and he was staring at her , Bailey shut her door and locked it . She then grabbed the nearest thing to her which happened to be a lava lamp . She pulled it towards her and held it close to her chest . She ran towards her closet and grabbed her phone as she ran . Opening her closet door , she shut it behind her and climbed to the back , holding her knees to her chest . Dialing her father 's number , she heard the ringing from downstairs . Cursing to herself , Bailey began to call the cops , but stopped . She hadn 't heard anything since she shut her door . Maybe she was just seeing things , and all the noise she heard before might have been the neighbors doing something outside . Sighing softly and attempting to control her heavy breathing , Bailey held her phone close to her heart and tried to relax . For a moment she was quiet , but after she was semi calm again , she stood and peaked out her closet door . Walking out of her closet , she looked around her room and then slowly looked outside . If the guy who hd came , if there was a guy , either he left or he didn 't have a car . Either way , Bailey didn 't want to take that risk . She shut her window curtains and waited for a minute before she saw her father finally pull back into the driveway . Still scared but thankful her dad and sister were home , she threw her door open and began to go down the stairs when she saw him again . In fear and in confusion still , the girl tripped over her own feet and tumbled down the stairs . Thankfully there were not that many stairs , but it was still enough to hurt quite a bit . Groaning and shifting her already bad knee out from under her , Bailey leaned her back against the wall and rubbed her head as her father came running towards her . " What happened ? You 've already been hurt twice here . Maybe you should sw Annabeth could see confusion crossing the young male 's face and her heart started racing , probably more out of fear than anything . Why was he confused ? What did he mean she could see him ? Then again her mother couldn 't see him . She stared with wide blue eyes as he told her not to scream , that he wouldn 't hurt her but she couldnt make her voice work . It was weird that her mother couldn 't see him , then again maybe she was just going insane . That 's probably what was happening , Annabeth Grace was going insane from all of the pressure that her father put on her and soon he would find out and she would be committed to a mental institute . The question that the young male had asked and she gave a tiny little shrug , one where one shoulder just lifted . Annabeth watched as he stood up tall , taking a step towards her and she herself curled in on herself , pressing her back against the wall and chewing on her lower lip . It didn 't help that he held his hands up as if he wouldn 't hurt her , to Annabeth that meant nothing . Her ex - boyfriend would use that tactic sometimes , only to go and cross the line . That action made her cringe . She watched as he pinched himself , frowning slightly before he spoke up and had introduced himself as Kylin . He used to live here ? The small story that Annabeth read about a young boy being murdered nearby flashed across her mind and for a second she shook her head . There was no way that he was still here , that she could see him . He was probably some teenage boy that was just pulling a prank on her , making her feel crazy and then going to go laugh about it with his friends . Though when he slowly reached out and touched her arm , a small squeak left her lips and her face turned bright red . Annabeth just stood there , absolutely frozen and unable to move . Her blue eyed gaze flitted towards his own hand as it reached out towards hers , though before he could touch her , her mother came back and the boy known as Kylin threw himself against the wall . " I got you some water . Now come on sweety . Let 's lay you done . You 're probably stressed and tired from the move and you need your rest . I 'll talk to your father about going to see the neighbors later . Her mother said as she moved to tuck Annabeth into bed , even though she was sixteen years old . Annabeth watched as the young male bolted out of her room , and where he was going . . . well she had no idea . Turning to look at her mom , she gave her the faintest of smiles . " Thanks mom . " She whispered softly , watching as she moved the books and boxes off her bed and then shut the door . Once her mom was gone , Annabeth let out a long and tired sigh , throwing her arm over her eyes and trying to get that guy out of her mind . How could her mom not see him ? None of that made sense , he was right there , in the flesh and she could feel his cold hand as he touched her . The young teen shivered at the thought of feeling his hand run down her arm , and the curiosity in his eyes . Sitting up in her bed , Annabeth moved to grab her computer , before she opened it up and checked it out , searching past obituaries and what had happened . When she found a certain article with the picture of a boy she realized aoutfit : Taking a deep breath , Seamus had calmed down , though there was a bit of a mess in the wake of his destruction , not that it mattered . He could let the family clean it up or he could always clean it up himself . Something that he learned over the years was how to make him visible and invisible . He was still invisible to the human eye but if he wanted he was able to make his body almost see through which would allow him to go throw walls or pass through most people , but sometimes he can take on a more solid form which allows him to pick things up or something of that sort . He looked up at the stares , staring up at the girl and watching as she shut the door . Heaving a big sigh , Seamus moved on to other parts of the house , disappearing to where he wanted and showing up in another part , not that anyone was around to see , except that girl . You think he would be confused as to the fact that the girl could see him , but Seamus was just so done and tired and he had seen so many other weird things that he wasn 't even fazed . By the time the girl had come back down , Seamus was no where in sigh , he was still in the house but it was easy for him to hide . He knew all the nook and crannies to this place and he wasn 't going to let up on his secrets now . He watched as the female down the stairs , causing him to cringe ever so slightly . He watched as her father and she asked her dad about him , and a small smirk tugged at the corner of his lips . It was quite interesting to be honest , watching that loving family at least he thought . And he remembered that he used to have a loving family until he was murdered on his birthday . His family still seemed to be doing well but you could tell that there was still pain left over , that his parents never really got over his death and it probably didn 't help with the fact that the murderer actually got away with it . The case went cold and the police gave up , in turn his parents gave up hope in finding his killer . Seamus stood in the shadows , arms folded over his chest as he watched the interaction anSo why wasnt he surprised ? After all this girl was seeing him and yet here Seamus was giving her some sass and just trying to get her out of his house . Eh , you know , whatever makes the world go round or whatever . " Anyway . " He began as he hopped off the window sill and moved towards one of the boxes , picking up a few things that lay in it . " I see that you 're living here now . " He stated calmly , not bother to address the fact that he was dead , or the fact that someone who was human was able to see him . " I advise you leave now while you can . This is my house and I 'm going to keep it that way . " He stated coldly , before he dropped whatever it was he was holding and continued to move around the room , the room that used to be his . Upon hearing the males voice echo throughout the room , Bailey straightened her back and somehow a little bit of her fear dissappeared . What he was saying didn 't make sense . What did he mean that it would just go through him , who was he ? What was he ? The girl sat the alarm clock back down on the bed and she shifted herself as the male continued talking . Watching him carefully , she saw him slowly back away and sit down on a window seal where she had palced a box of her journals on it . As the male jumped up and walked towards her more and picked something up out of one of her boxes on her bed , Bailey moved her legs towards her , despite her pain and watched as the threat was out of his lips and out in the air . The girl 's eyebrows tensed together and she tried to comprehend what he was saying . Her brown eyes grew lighter as swirles of gold played around the black spot as her mind thought hard and carefully . She could obviously see and hear this male , but her father couldn 't . He looked like another human being to her , but he said that anything she threw would just go through him . He said that was this house . The immediate thought that what others had warned them about was true made the girl nervous . Although she knew she should be more terrified and scared by the fact that the male whom stood in her room could in fact be a ghost , Bailey wasn 't scared . At least not by much . " No . " Okay , maybe telling a ghost no wasn 't the best idea in the world , but Bailey wasn 't exactly the best with words . All she knew was that she wasn 't going to leave just because some teenage guy who was probably pranking her told her to . And if he was a ghost ? Well , although Bailey knew she would regret thinking this later , he could leave . They had bought the house and although she didn 't want to move , she wasn 't going to move again because of some guy telling them to , whether or not he was a ghost or not . " I 'm not leaving . I don 't know who you are , but this it our house . We bought it before we even moved her . This is our house , I 'm sorry . " Bailey pulled her legs out from under the blankets and moved them to the side as she stood up . The pain killers she had taken definitely were kicking in , the pain in her knee and her ankle was nearly gone by this time . She stood up and looked at the male , hoping that if she closed her eyes and opened them again , he would be gone . That hadn 't worked before though . Taking a small breath , she looked at the male again . " Who are you ? " The seconds ticked by and Bailey lifted her head just a little . He courage got bigger while her voice softened into a whisper . " What are you ? I can see you and hear you but my dad and my sister can 't . . . What kind of prank are you playing ? Because it 's not funny and you need to leave . " Bailey was always the brave type . She stood up against the bullies and she fought for what she believed in . Telling a ghost to get off was definitely a new one , but she didn 't even know if this guy was a ghost . It was probably some neighbor trying to mess with her , and she wasn 't going to sit back and watch him either . Bailey looked at the male and although she would never admit it , there was a part of him that she seemed to find familiar . She had never seen this male in her life , but it was one of those things like when you meet your best friend for the first time and you somehow know that they will play a big part of your life . Bailey just couldn 't seem to figure out whether or not this was a good or a bad feeling . The last time she had that feeling , it had turned out very , very badly , and she wasn 't about to sit back and let herself get hurt more . She had set back and let people run over her long enough , and she didn 't care if this guy was a prankster or a neighbor or a dead guy . She wasn 't going to let him scare them out of the house - - their house . Bailey shifted and walked towards the desk a few feet to her left . Picking up her phone , she dialed a quick number and looked at the guy in front of her . " Tell me who you are and start explaining or I 'll call the cops . I 'll call whoever I have to if you don 't Bailey knew that she would sound crazy if she called the cops and they came and couldn 't see the male , but what else would she do ? What if he really was a ghost ? Why could she see him but no one else could ? Bailey 's stomach dropped down to her knees as she looked at him again . What if she was dead too ? What if he was her guardian angel or whatever that was suppose to take her away after she died ? What if he was only letting her see him instead of everyone ? But , why ? Why her ? The male spent a few hours simply staring at his grave and thinking of the possibilities . Why could a human see him ? Why could the human hear him ? Why this human ? Kylin had to admit that this girl was very cute and definitely someone he would have found attractive , if he wasn 't dead . But he was dead . Very much so . Nothing made sense though . Why now and why was it this girl ? What was so special about her ? There was no glowing aurua around her and he didn 't have any indication that she could be dead either . The only thing that Kylin could come up with was that fate had closed its eyes and randomly chose a day and a girl to make his life even more confusing , though he didn 't know how . . . He was dead . . Slowly standing up from the grass , Kylin looked around as it began to get dark . The sun had already set and the stars was beginning to come out again like they always did . He sighing and wiped the back of his jeans off before walking out of the gate and back down the sidewalk . He stuck his hands in his jean pockets as he walked , watching the ground a few feet in front of him until he heard laughs to his right . Turning his head , he slowed his pace and watched as a young couple carried a small baby in their arms as it slept . They laughed together and looked happy . They were happy . That was all that Kylin could wish for . When he was alive , he had that wish . He had a loving and caring family that always supported him and never let him loose hope . They helped him be happy , no matter what place he was in in life , but then he died . He could tell that they never got over the fact that he had died , and they were never happy again . Sometimes they had good days , but they weren 't happy . That was when Kylin first decided that he wanted everyone to be happy . Yes , it was probably impossible in the crazy world he use to live in , but he felt like if everyone felt the feeling of happy at least once in their life , then it would get better . But unfortunateley , not everyone felt happy , and most people died without being happy or ever fee # 11 The male that Annabeth previously saw had been gone for hours upon hours and within that time she had already gone and greeted the neighbors with her parents . She did some more research before she gave up and searching for new bookshelves , some paint and wall decor to add to this room . She had to admit , she liked it , much better than her old house back home . It was much smaller , though she knew her father would do some construction soon but for now it was perfectly fine . Annabeth hummed softly as she searched through different books , adding them to a cart and then heading to check out . This was one of the little pleasures about her life , her mother and luckily her father , allowed her to buy as many books as she wanted as long as she promised to read them and then if she didn 't like any of the books or didn 't want them , she simply promised to donate them to a library . It made the family look good , that was why her father let her buy so many books , it made them look like they were a very caring family that was doing it for the greater good . Well Annabeth was , but her father had hidden motives . By the time Annabeth had finished unpacking , placing all her books away , setting up her desk , making her bed , it was already night time . Her mother and father went out to explore the town , pick up dinner on the way and well they just left her . Which was fine by her , going out in huge crowds got to be a bit overwhelming so Annabeth didn 't mind being by herself . She knew that she wasn 't going to be going out at this time of night so instead she got dressed into her pajamas , a dark grey long sleeved shirt , along with a pair of shorts . She wasn 't really getting ready for bed per say , but she always found comfort in her pajamas rather than her tight jeans or skirts , but it wouldn 't look right if she wore pajamas in any other place than the house . So her father told her . Running a hand through her hair , she moved to sit down on her bed , gazing at the drab walls that needed to be re - colored and then the piles of books that sat in various corners of the room since they didn 't fit on her bookshelf . Moving to lay down , the young teen gazed up at the ceiling , closing her eyes and taking a deep breath as she tried to calm her nerves , unwind and just get her mind to shut down . You see , the thing about Annabeth was that her mind was her worst enemy , and it was much worse than she let on . It told her thing she didn 't want to hear , put her down and made her feel terrible , it didn 't help that her ex - boyfriend was verbally abusive ( sometimes physical ) as well . She wasn 't really asleep and by now Annabeth could feel someone 's presence , but she knew it wasn 't her parents since they had left awhile ago . Opening her eyes , she turned to look at the male she saw previously and this time the wave of fear didn 't wash over her . She simply sat up and moved to cross her legs , gazing at him with her electric blue eyes . Her ears searched his , looking for any signs that he could be telling her a lie but she saw nothing . That was something she had come to learn , to tell when someone was lying or not , her secret weapon and she used it against heroutfit : He was calm , unlike the person he used to be . Over ten years , Seamus 's personality had died down , he was no longer the loud and arrogant play boy he was . He had no one to talk to , nothing to be arrogant about , now he was simply someone who watched the world , watched as it changed and watched as things happened . He was silent , though the part that he used to be was still there , he just had no use to be loud or vibrant . How can you be the life of the party when your dead ? You cant . Watching as the girl sat her alarm clock down , Seamus leaned against the wall as he waited to hear what she had to say , her thoughts , if she was going to go and trip down the stairs again . You never knew with humans , they were weird , confusing , and stupid . Something Seamus had learned within his third year of being a ghost and haunting this house . He watched as she seemed to have given his words some thought before one simple word left her lips . No . It took Seamus a moment to process what she had said before the faintest of smiles had crossed his features . Kind of weird but that was the first thing that anyone had ever said to him , usually people just ran out screaming so this was refreshing . Besides this girl was pretty good looking he had to admit , and though he was a ghost , if she could see him he might as well use that to his advantage to get to know her . " Correction love . " He countered , a touch of his accent coming out as he uncrossed his arms and moved across the room with grace and ease , glancing over at the young female . " My mum and pa bought this house way before you did . Sure they sold it , but the point is , this was my house far before it was yours . " He stated simply as he moved to sit back on the window , flashing her a quick grin . " Whatever though , I suppose that this house couldn 't stay off the market forever , though it was quite fun to scare the living daylights out of everyone . " He thought , blinking and looking over at her as she stood up . She truly was a beauty and for a second , Seamus 's attention was directed towards her , Hearing the soft whispers of the young girl made Kylin chuckle just slightly . The girl definitely was shy , something that Kylin never had difficulty with . In fact , Kylin was the opposite of this girl so far , not that he minded a little bit of a challenge . In fact , he liked this girl . She was shy and although she reacted the same way he probably would have at first , she didn 't seem scared anymore , just nervous . Taking a few steps towards the girl , he sat down in a chair across from the girl and watched as she fiddled with her hands in her lap . Smiling softly , finding the move quite adorable and cute , he looked back up in her eyes as she continued on . Hearing her next words both frightened and alerted the teenag boy . The way she spoke seemed like she didn 't want to tell her father because she was scared . Kylin 's eyebrows fitted together and he tried to concentrate on what the girl had said . Brushing it off , realizing that it was none of his business and evne if something were happening , what could he do ? He was dead and he still didn 't know if he could interact with other people other than this girl so it wasn 't like he could stop it . Taking a mall breath , he watched the girl and smirked ever so softly when he saw her look away and rock in her bed . Tapping his feet gainst the carpet floor and biting his bottom lip as he concentrated an thought of how to respond , he admired the teenage girl . He would have definitely had fun befriending this girl if he had ever had a chance of meeting her when he was still alive . Her sweet but shy nature would have definitely gave him a reason to tease her . Watching as she pulled her knees up to her chest , he regarded her and thought to himself before speaking up . He had spent the past few years haunting this house and scaring off anyone who got close to it and tried to buy it . Now a family was moving in and although Kylin wasn 't thrilled about it , maybe it was a sign . Not only could this girl see and hear him , but she was the first family that had actually bought and moved into the [ BCOLOR = # 090909 ] [ / BCOLOR ] Bailey watched the male carefully as he spoke up again . She watched him and couldn 't help but let her cheeks flush a little when he called her love . His accent was hidden well , but Bailey had picked it out with the small things he had said before . She just thought that maybe he as faking it , but as soon as he called her love , his accent was thicker than anyone Bailey had ever met . Hearing his words caused Bailey to again chuckle ever so slightly . " You don 't have any manners do you ? Scaring people for the fun of it ? I 'm not saying its not something that I wouldn 't have done , but still . I didn 't do it . You did . Bailey smirked a little as she watched the male . She tugged on her shorts to keep them from showing off too much of her as she stood up . She stepped away from her bed a little as she watched the male speak and jump up . Bailey laughed slightly as he called her a yapper , but not in a way as she found it funny . " Ohh , you 're a comedian too . All in one , huh ? What else can you do ? " Bailey watched as the male jumed up and bowed in front of her . She watched him and for a moment she imagined him taking off a hat and tipping it for her if he had one , but that was brushed off quickly with his next words . Of course she had heard the rumors . It was hard to get by when their picture was in the newspaper and every other whisper in town was about her and her family moving into the haunted house . To be told that eh all too famous ghost was standing in front of her and talking to her , did make a few chills run down her back , but that didn 't mean she was going to just leave . She had worked so hard getting where she was in life , and no one would take that away from her . When he denyed that it was some kind of prank , she watched him carefully as he rocked back and forth on his feet . If , and that was a big if , he really was a ghost , it still woudn 't make sense as to why she could see and talk to him . She could tell that he was amused by the fact that she wasn 't running away screaming and she wasn 't calling the cops . . . yet . She haNeither ofthem understood why she could see and talk to him but no one else could , but that wouldn 't stop her from figuring out . Maybe she was suppose to be able to help him get over his death . He did die young and he didn 't get to move on with his life and now he was stuck being a teenager at this house . It was quite sad , and Bailey knew that she would probably become crazy if this happened to her . Deciding that it was est to sleep on it and confront the problem tomorrow , if it was still there , she turned to the male . " I think I 'm going to go to bed for now . When I wake up you won 't be here . Because this is probably all a dream anyway . So I 'm going to change and then sleep . And you 'll be gone . So . . bye . . " Bailey grabbed a pair of shorts and a gray , long sleeved , belly shirt . Turning around , the girl walked out of the room and down the stairs careful not to trip or hurt herself anymore than she already had . " Dad , I 'm going to turn in . I 'm just going to rest on my knee tonight . I 'll see you tomorrow . Goodnight . Goodnight , Hannah . " After getting changed and tossing her dirty clothes in the washer , Bailey walked out of the bathroom and made her way up the stairs as she fixed her long hair into a messy bun . Walking in with her belly showing , Bailey didn 't bother looking around her room before she climbed into bed . She pulled the blankets over her and went to turn the lights off after she laid her contact lenses beside her on the bedside . " Um , would you mind leaving while I sleep ? I don 't feel like I can sleep when someone is staring at me , especially because I have never seen you before today and you 're suppose to be dead . . . " Her eyes followed his , staring at him and looking away . Annabeth found small ways to distract herself , to keep herself from thinking and reminding herself that she was going crazy since she was obviously talking to a supposed ghost . Her gaze wandered around her room , realizing that she probably had a lot more books than she did clothes , not that it mattered , then again most of her clothes were still in boxes . There were also still a few things that had to be moved , such as her grand piano ( one of the reasons her father had to expand the house ) as well as her other instruments . At a young age , her father pushed her to learn new instruments , ranging from piano to cello , violin , viola , and a few other instruments . That was one of the reasons she was previously home schooled , so that she could fit in every single thing her father put her through . Though now that she thought about it , Annabeth didnt really mind , playing music was calming and it gave her a peace of mind , along with swimming , something she took a liking to . At first her father hated her swimming since it took away from other activities but once he realized that she was actually good at it and there was a chance she could have a future or something in it , he let her stay . She 's loved it ever since . And don 't even get her started on writing , her father thinks that it 's a waste of time , but for Annabeth , it 's perfect . The young teen has always had a hard time sharing her feelings and writing allows her to do that , express her feelings and describe what she wants in life , what she feels , her hopes and dreams , all of it . Chewing on her lower lip , Annabeth was so lost in her thought that she missed half of what Kylin started saying before she actually came back to reality . Blinking she looked over at him , giving a small shrug of his shoulders when he said that he didn 't know why she could see him and her parents couldn 't . " Please do not hurt them . " She spoke softly , chewing on her lower lip . The way Annabeth spoke is what some would say old time language , she didn 't really use conjunctions or that sort , again because of the way her father had raised her . He told her to always say yes sir , or no sir , yes ma ' am or no ma ' am , never use conjunctions , it makes you sound like an unintelligent hick . That is what her father had told her one day and of course because she wanted to be a good little girl , she obeyed , and now that 's just a habit of hers . She shifted in her seat a bit , noticing his eyes on her and that caused Annabeth to shift uncomfortably even more , looking away , her eyes flitting around the room and trying to find some comfort . She moved to wrap her arms around her body and continued to rock back and forth in a soothing motion as if she was trying to put herself to sleep , though she wasn 't really tired to begin with . It wasn 't even like it was that late anyway to begin with and anyway Annabeth usually played the piano before bed , it helped calm her nerves from the day . However there was a high chance that her piano wasn 't going to be coming until tomorrow , which wasoutfit : Shaking his head , Seamus let out a huge sigh and closed his eyes briefly , listening as the young female comment that he really had no manners . " Life gets boring when you spend ten years years here by yourself . Not only that but it 's not like I wanted people to come in here and destroy my childhood home . " He told her , giving a shrug of his shoulders . Though it didn 't look like it , and he truly knew that he couldn 't stop it , this home meant a lot to him . It was in fact where he grew up , where he was hoping to grow up with his future wife and children , it was the house that his sister grew up and to see someone else living in it , it honestly broke his heart . Of course Seamus wasn 't one to admit such a cheesy little thing like that , he would look uncool ( not that it really mattered ) if he complained about his house being taken away from him right before his very own eyes . And though he tried to ignore it , Seamus could feel his heartbreaking at the thought . Though upon hearing the young female laugh ever so slightly , the tiniest of smiles tugged at the corner of his lips and he tried to think . " Oh I was a pretty mean juggler , could 've beaten any of the kids on the block . " He told her with a chuckle . Seamus never had as thick of an accent like his parents , though it did come out every once and awhile and according to his friends in the past , it got thicker around someone that he actually liked . He never really noticed it but then again , does anyone ever really notice the little things that they do ? He watched as the female before him went silent , probably after his comment and he gave a little shrug as he moved to lean against the wall , taking in the boxes and few other things that was going on in this room . " So , what ' cha going you to do with my room now that this house is yers . " Seamus questioned , a sound tone in his voice , and a sad look crossing his features as he thought about everything changing . For ten years . . . ten long years Seamus was able to keep everything the way he wanted . He was able to keep people away an [ BCOLOR = # 090909 ] Bailey watched as the male called her cute and her cheeks flushed again . At his next comment , she rolled her eyes and left to change . When she came back , she watched as he stood up , gave her another long glare , and walked straight through the wall , or more , flew out . She didn 't even get a chance to blink before the male dissapeared before her eyes , leaving her shocked in the middle of her room . The girl quickly shook her head and figured that it was his way of showing off to her . He did call her cute , afterall , and although Bailey would never admit it , especially to his face , the young girl had to admit that the boy who called himself Seamus was quite attractive . . . in a way . . you know , if you were into boys who thought they were all that and liked to make fun of other people . . . Yeah . Rolling her eyes at herself and turning around , the young girl climbed up into her bed and pulled the warm comforter over her body and thought to herself . [ / BCOLOR ] [ BCOLOR = # 090909 ] If he was a ghost like he said he was , then surely she could find something on the internet about it . A picture maybe . Anything that could prove that she wasn 't going insane like she so badly thought that she was . Pulling her phone towards her , She searched up the name that the male had given her and sure enough the town newspaper popped up . The front cover from ten or more years ago which had a picture of the male she had spent talking to just before he had flew through her bedroom wall and dissappeared . Sighing , Bailey shook the thought from her mind and tried to ignore the fact that whether she wanted to believe it or not , her new house was haunted and the ghost who haunted it was the male who spent the evening half talking , half argueing with Bailey . Turning her phone back off and plugging it in beside her , she flipped her lamp off and turned over in the darkness , soon falling asleep . [ / BCOLOR ] [ BCOLOR = # 090909 ] The next morning Bailey awoke with a strange sense of refreshment . Yawning ever so slightly and rolling over , the girl moved the few strands of hair out of her face and then slowly sat up in bed . Looking around and seeing her room clear , the girl jumped up and suddenly remembered everything from the night before , including her falling down the stairs . She groaned in pain and clenched her knee ever so slightly before walking over to her dresser . Being a dancer , Bailey had hurt her knee and falling on it while it was healing didn 't help the process . She rubbed some pain relief lotion on it before walking dow the stairs and into the kitchen . She made herself a bowl of cereal and sat down beside her younger sister who was not fully awake at this moment , which she could comepltely understand . [ / BCOLOR ] [ BCOLOR = # 090909 ] Bailey was not a morning person . She wasn 't even half of a morning person . The mornings made Bailey not only grumpy , but very , very stubborn . All she wanted to do was go back to sleep , maybe after a warm bath , but definitely back to bed . Despite how tired the teenage girl felt , she finished up her breakfast in no time and walked to the bathroom to brush her teeth . Tossing some water on her face and looking in the mirror , the young girl walked back up the stairs to her room and walked tiredly towards her closet . By this time she was half sleep walking and definitely not up for conversation . She glanced at the alarm clock that said 8 : 15 AM . Yawing again , the girl turned towards the closet where her closet was and picked out an outfit for the day . Tossing it on her bed , she lifted her arms up and stretched , showing off more of her stomach than before . She started to take her shirt off but quickly stopped when she got a sudden feeling that she wasn 't alone in her room anymore . Bailey quickly turned around and looked , her eyes narrowing . [ / BCOLOR ] Hearing the young girl speak softly but with slight fear for her parents , Kylin sighed and slowly nodded in agreement . " I won 't hurt them . I promise . " He watched the girl as she rocked back and forth and part of him felt as if he should move towards her and make sure she was okay . She looked tired partly , but another part of her just looked like she was exhausted . He quickly offered to leave , but she was so lost in thought that it took a moment for her to respond to him . She quickly denied that she was going to bed and he couldn 't help but laugh a little . " Okay , if you say so . I don 't mind waiting outside , honestly . I 'd feel weird watching you sleep in my old bed all night anyway . But if you don 't plan to go to sleep just yet , then I see no reason why I should leave yet either . " Kylin chuckled a little as he quickly hopped over beside her and sat at the end of his bed - - her bed . He watched as she slowly made her way over to the laptop on her desk and opened it up . He watched her more than he was watching what she was doing . Although it wasn 't that late , it was a beautiful night outside and the moonlight was shining in on her and lighting up her face . Her eyes stood out even more than normal and Kylin couldn 't help but think how beautiful she was . Upon hearing the girls name , he couldn 't help but smile . The name fitted her well , though it wasn 't his first guess at a name for her . In fact , she wasn 't sure what she looked like to him . Just a girl who someone was changing him in a way that he didn 't realize it . He felt odd asking his next question , but he couldn 't help it . If the one person who had the ability to communicate with him wasn 't kicking him out yet , then he was going to take a chance . Besides , life was about choices , and if he didn 't make choices in the moment and just take chances , then what is there to live for ? Well , yes , he was already dead , but it was still the same . " What are you doing tomorrow ? School doesn 't start again for a few weeks , so maybe I can show you this place that I use to go all the ti # 15 While playing with her fingers , Annabeth watched as the male hopped over and sat at the end of her bed and she shifted towards the other end , as far away from him as possible . It wasn 't that he smelled bad or anything of that sort , but more along the lines that she just felt awkward . After awhile , she stood up and walked over to her desk and sat in front of her computer . She really didn 't do much on it , she just turned it on , not sure what else to do and hoping to fix some of the awkward tension , then again it didn 't really help that she was awkward herself . While she was sitting at her seat , she heard Kylin ask what she was doing tomorrow . He then continued to to explain that he could show her around , maybe show her to this place that he used to go to all the time . If she was mistaken , she would say he was asking her out , but she probably was mistaken . Because one , they just met , two he was a ghost , three you don 't ask people you just met out and four , he was a ghost . Chewing on her lower lip , Annabeth nodded , giving a small shrug . " Sure . " She said softly , knowing that her mother would probably be glad that she was actually getting out instead of hiding away in her room . After awhile of playing Sims 4 , Annabeth eventually shut down her computer and stood up , stretching her arms up and revealing a bit of her belly as she stifled a yawn . " I think I 'm going to bed . You can do as you wish . " She said as she moved to sit down on her bed and drew back the covers before crawling into bed . The wave of exhaustion hit her all of a sudden and now she just wanted to go to bed . " Night . " Annabeth muttered as she laid down and closed her eyes . In the morning , Annabeth woke up with a small yawn and ran a hand through her hair . She was used to getting up early , yet again another thing her father had drilled into her . " Early bird catches the worm . " She grumbled out the usual phrase that her father always told her when she was younger , the phrase that he drilled into her mind . Rummaging through the small clothes that she had taken oAt the mention of going out , Annabeth flushed just a little bit , not sure why but she did . " Uhm . . . I was actually wondering if I could go wander . " She questioned softly , watching her moms eyes go wide before she nodded her head . " Of course you can ! Just make sure you 're home by two . And be safe . " Her mother said brightly before she left and Annabeth let out a sigh . Chewing on her lower lip , she headed downstairs , her mother already getting onto something else and her father sat as his computer , doing who knows what it was he was doing but whatever . Heaving a big breath , Annabeth walked over the door and slipped out before her father could yell at her and tell her to get back , even though her mom approved . Once outside , the young teen gazed up at the sun briefly before she made her way down the sidewalk , before she paused and realized that she didn 't know where she was going and that she agreed to go somewhere with Kylin . Glancing down at the ground , Annabeth fiddled with her fingers like usual as she waited on the side walk , glancing at the window and noticing that her mother was at the window , giving her a thumbs up . outfit : Seamus had stayed there the whole night and into the day . He wasn 't sure what he was going to do , but going back to the house right away was not something he wanted to do . Plus he kind of wanted to make that girl think he wasn 't going to be coming back any time soon . There were tear stains on his face as he watched his father die before his eyes and his mother break down . All his life he wanted his family to be happy and then he went and died and that happiness disappeared . It was all his fault . Seamus paced back and forth throughout the whole night and he thought back to his past life , everything that he did wrong that could have kept him tethered to this world and prevented him from crossing the barrier . Now that he thought back to his life , he didn 't lead the best . He had gotten into fights with his parents more than he could count , though he knew that they knew that he loved them and every teen got into fights with their parents but at the same time he regretted it . He was an excellent athlete but at the same time he was a total d - bag and rarely showed good sportsmanship , well kind of . He at least shook their hands at the end , but he remembered always bragging that he was the best , that they were going to destroy the other team , stuff like that . He was rather promiscuous as well , moving from girl to girl when he got tired of the first . He was a player and he didn 't care what others felt , what he was doing to them or who he was hurting , what mattered in his opinion was if he ended up on top . And now that Seamus looked back at his life , he regretted every little bit . He regretted getting drunk until sun up , he regretted sleeping with girls never even met , he regretted all the rude things he had said and done , he regretted it all . Another tear slid down his cheek and eh wiped away his tears , sniffling a bit and looking up at his parents as his father opened his eyes , giving his mother a pained smile . In return his mother smiled back , her eyes crinkling ever so slightly at the sight of seeing her husband waking up and smiling at her . Despite the fact that he played with others feelings , he remembered that he wanted to find someone like that . Someone that would love him in his good time and love him at his worst . He wanted share silly little jokes , say I love yous that had meaning . Moving to sit in a chair , he leaned back and covered his face with his hands as he let out a long sigh and looked over at his parents as they were talking . He heard his mother mention that she felt his presence and he smiled ever so faintly , good that 's what he was hoping . Looking at the time , Seamus noticed that it was already mid morning , but he still had no intentions of returning to his house right now . Right now he just wanted to spend time with his parents , spend some time with his dying father . He always went out and partied and now this was his way of making up for it , staying here and watching over them , making sure that everything was alright for now . He loved his parents so very much and the thought that he had to leave them early broke his heart . At least for now , he was going to stay , he didn 't plan on leaving them any time soon , at least not right now . He was going to spend every waking minute with them , even if they couldn 't see him . He didnt care , as long as they could sense and feel his presence then Seamus was alright with all of that . Kylin wandered around the girls room for the majority of the night until he finally heard the soft voice of hers say she was going to bed . He watched as she laid down and rolled over , closing her eyes , but the silence felt like it was trapping Kylin . Kylin had always been very free and loud and fun and never stopped moving . Thats why it was so hard for him to stay in one spot and stay quiet . So the silence around him now , even as a ghost was maddening . When no one lived in the house he could make as much noise he wanted throughout all hours of the day , not worrying who he woke up . But now , here he was , watching a teenage girl sleep in his old bed with her parents downstairs . Now that he thought about it , he kind of sounded like a creep . Kylin sighed and walked past the bed after sitting a book down that he was looking at , and through the door . He didn 't want to scare the girl earlier , but now that she was asleep , he was going to do what he normally did , no matter if it scared her or not . Walking through the walls was one of those many things . He glided down the hallway and past the stairs where he continued walking until he slid through the front door . He walked down the porch steps and then slowly made his way to the sidewalk where he decided he would just walk for the night . Before Kylin knew it , the sun was shining bright and early and he could tell that it was probably about six oclock . Remembering that he was going to show Annabeth his spot , he jumped up from the swinset he was rocking in and decided to go the fastest way to the house . Flying . It wasn 't something that he had done many times , not that he was afraid of heights , in fact , thats what he loved the most about it . He just never got much practice in because he was so use to walking . Either way , he was definitely getting practice in . By the time he saw the house , he balanced back down and saw the girl standing on the sidewalk , looking around . Walking up behind her , he chuckled a little and stared at her mother through the window . " Well , she seems eageKylin continued walking with the girl , making small talk and just enjoying the fresh air as they followed the sidewalk . " I 'm going to be honest with you , I have had a lot of places that I love . But we are going to start small and if you 're lucky I 'll show you my favorite spot . For now , this way , amdam . " Kylin smiled softly and held his arm out to allow her to walk first . After she went , he caught up with her and led her down a trail in the woods . Making sure se followed close and didn 't get lost , they eventually made it to a small opening . Directly in front of them was a bench which sat in front of a beautiful pond that was surrounded by small free space and plenty of trees . There was one tree that Kylin loved more than any aother tree . It was a cherry blossum that sat to the side of the small opening . Its blossums fell and made the area around it beautiful . The entire scene was beautiful . It was always his place to go when he needed to think , and as far as he knew , no one else knew about it . Why was he telling this girl ? He had no idea , he just knew it felt right . " Well , this is number one . It 's beautiful , isn 't it ? I don 't think anyone else knows about it so it can be your new spot . I don 't come here muhc anymore , but I use to come when I needed time away or I needed to think . I thought you might like it . " Suddenly , a strange feeling of them two being here came over him . He stepped back in shock at first , but quickly caught himself . He had only seen a small fragment of it , but it was definitely her and him here , thought it hadn 't happened yet . Brushing it off , Kylin went and sat on the bench . Bailey turned around and saw none other than her sister standing in her doorway smirking . She sighed and rolled her eyes . " Hannah , I am trying to change . I have a lot to do today . You need to go take a bath and get changed too because you 're coming with me . Dad is already gone at work so I can 't leave you here . Hurry up . Get on . " Bailey sighed and quickly finished changing before looking at herself in the mirror . She pulled on her shoes and slid her phone into her pocket before grabbing her purse and car keys . Deciding to put on mascara and call it good , never wearing too much makeup , she walked down the stairs carefully and waited for her sister to get ready . When she came out dressed in shorts and a tank top , Bailey smiled and held her hand as they walked out to Bailey 's truck and hopped in . Sure , her car wasn 't hte best thing in the world and if definitely had a few problems , but she liked it . It was cheap but still worked and it got her everywhere she needed to go . Besides , she didn 't need a big fancy car . In fact , she had wanted on just like this truck and it was perfect for her . It ws broken , just like her , but she had worked hard on fixing it up and she definitely mended the important parts . She tossed her purse in the middle seat and made sure her sister was buckled in the back before she started the truck and pulled out . It was not the easiest ride since Bailey had no idea where she was going , but eventually she made it to the grocery store . Walking in , the two girls went shopping for food and other essintials before checking out and deciding to search for Bailey a job . She had had a job back home , but when she had moved , she wasn 't sure if there was going to be anywhere hiring . Deciding to just put up flyers and put her name as a babysitter , Bailey gave up on the search . That was until she came across the school . Deciding to go ahead and look around the rest of the town and get a brief look at everything , the girls spent the next hour getting to know the town . By the time the girls were back home and wa # 17 Annabeth gazed at her mother who gave another excited wave and gave a small little shoo motion . Her mom wasn 't trying to be mean when she did that , but probably just worried that Annabeth changed her mind and wanted to come back inside . She could see the worry cross her mother 's face as Annabeth waited on the side walk . The young teen usually just sat inside her bedroom and read books or she would practice her instruments but that was usually it . Getting out and about wasn 't really her thing and it always angered her father and worried her mother . The thought that crossed her mind made Annabeth frown just a bit and she was once again thinking that she was just a failure to her parents , not at all what they probably hoped she would be like . They probably wanted her to be popular , have a boyfriend of high status and get anyone on her side . And while she was like that Freshman year , she had figure out that no matter what she did , her father would never be proud of her , no matter how hard she tried . Once she found out about that , she drew in on herself even more and that 's when most of the bullying started , how she went from queen of the school to loner that sits by herself at lunch . Annabeth couldn 't help it , she was tired of pleasing every one , tired or putting on fake smiles and acting like everything was okay . People had started to annoy her and heading to parties was like a nightmare , nobody could understand that , and that 's what frustrated her . She wanted people to understand that heading to homecoming was like training for a marathon , and getting out of her house to go out was kind of like doing weights for six hours . It wasn 't that she hated people but she hated how they dragged her out against her will and she hated how they gave her crap about never getting out . She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn 't even notice Kylin until she spoke up , causing her to jump and bit and look up at him . Now that it was daylight and she wasn 't scared to death , she never realized how tall he was . She gazed up at him , bThe small talk was honestly kind of like pins and needles in her opinion . She never did like it , but then again the silence was just as awkward . She nodded his head when he commented that he was just showing her this one place for now and she continued to follow him down a trail and into the woods . She looked around with wide blue eyes , finding the place already beautiful . Then again anything far away from home and in the woods was always going to be beautiful to Annabeth . It was weird but people never really seemed to think to look in the woods went she went missing and back at Manchester , Annabeth had a terrible habit of going " missing . " Upon reaching the small spot , she could feel her breath being taken away as she gazed at the beauty , her gaze moving towards a beautiful cherry blossom tree , something she really only saw in Japan and when they shed their petals , oh how beautiful that was . Upon hearing Kylin she nodded her head as she moved to sit down on the bench , not caring if her white dress got dirty , but before she sat down , she walked over towards the small lake and knelt down , her fingers dragging along the surface and watching as the ripples spread throughout . Beautiful . " Thank you . " Annabeth whispered softly , and if you didnt ' listen closely , those two simple words could have easily been lifted away by the faint breeze . This was one of the most beautiful places that she has ever seen , then again she had just moved here but it was beautiful and Annabeth was glad that the ghost teen had showed her . Seamus had stayed for quite sometime and by the time he decided to leave , his parents were well off and it looked like his father was going to see another day . Besides he usually got a gut feeling that something was going to happen and when he watched the news the next day , it turned out that he would be right . " I 'll be back . . " He said softly as he flew out the window and back towards his house . When he reached there it was empty , as if the family had never moved in , but he knew better than that , they were probably all out of the house for now . Stepping inside , he looked around with his hands shoved in his pockets . He moved to look at the pictures , finding that some of them only contained the father , and an older version of the girl he met and a younger one . There were no pictures of them as toddlers or anything of that sort and he wondered why . Frowning slightly , he gave a small shrug of his shoulders and continued to look around to his hearts content . Eventually Seamus made his way up to his room and sat down in a corner where he couldn 't be seen and he just let his thoughts wander . That girl . . . he didn 't know her name but he knew she was different and not just because she could see him but he felt something with her . A spark or a flame , a feeling that couldn 't be explained . It was kind of warm , compared to his cold and lifeless ghost body and he liked that feeling , not that he would admit that . The faintest of smiles tugged at the corner of Seamus 's lips as he thought back to her , her punky little attitude , her smile and hot damn she was absolutely beautiful . These feelings felt way different than when he felt them with some other chick back when he was alive in high school , he wanted to know more about her and he didn 't want to have a one night stand with her , not that he could but you know whatever . He just felt a pull towards her , but of course he would never acknowledge this . Upon hearing the door , he perked up a bit and listened for footsteps but the smell of food reached him first . However instead of the Silently , Seamus watched as the girl started to put things away , dancing a little bit and he couldn 't help but chuckle . " See you 've really changin the place . " He commented as he stood up and brushed himself off , giving the female a half smile , showing his perfectly straight teeth . " Miss meh love ? He asked , his accent showing through as he gave her a playful little wink . He looked around , taking note of the books , movies and everything else she added . Certainly different from his room . When he was alive , he had it decorated with posters , very few books and his desk was cluttered with paper , markers , pencils , basically an artists desk . What ? Seamus Miller drew ? Yet another secret about him that he would have hated if anyone else find out , but sadly Seamus took those secrets to the grave and no one really knew about his more . . . sensitive side . Hearing a males voice behind her , the young girl stopped in the middle of ehr small dance and turned to look at the male who called himself Seamus . She watched as he stood and brushed himself off , smiling towards her and showing off his perfectly straight teeth . She chuckled a little and shook her head before watching him . If he hadn 't dissappeared yet , then either she was crazy or maybe she really was seeing a ghost . Either way , it would probably stay between her and herself . She didn 't need another reason to go to counciling , especially when this guy would just make fun of her for it in the long run . " You 're back . . What a pleasant surprise . Seamus , is it ? Did you expect me to have my room the same as yours ? Let me guess , you were the bad boy , huh ? You played all the cool sports , got any girl you wanted wrapped around your finger and probably snuck out a lot , huh ? But I bet you had everyone fooled into thinking you were a good kid . Believe me , I 'm much different than you . " Turning away from the male , she bent over and grabbed her final box of personal items to put away . Picking up a picture frame , she sat it on her bedside and looked it over . It was of her and her aunt , the one who had previously got engaged . Bailey was five then and her aunt was barely out of high school , probably in her early twenties . She smiled at the picture before picking up the next few and sitting them around her room . Most of them clutterd a shelf that was beside her balcony door , and the rest spread out throughout the room . Even in her room Bailey barely had pictures of her when she was younger . The only one she did have was of her and her grandma when she was first born , and the picture of her and her aunt when she was five . The rest Bailey was at least ten or a little older . She never took pictures of herself when she was younger . Her mother would have family pictures and would make Bailey either take them or sit out in the car while her sister , Hannah , and her mom and step dad were in it , that was when they were there . Her grandma took pictures of her all the time , but unforunately they were all destroyed in a house fire when Bailey was seven . The girl didn 't care though . She didn 't want pictures and images and videos to remind her of the horrible things that she had to endure while she was growing up and she definitely didn 't want them framed to sit beside her and wake her up with every morning . She would rather push those thoughts away and only think about her past when it was absoluteley necessary , though she prayed to whatever was up there that she didn 't have to ever talk about her experiences again . After sitting up the final item she had in her last box , the teenager tossed the box on her bed and turned towards the male who stood in front of her . Her hands landed on her hips as she sighed and raised one of her eyebrows at him . " So , Seamus , tell me , I have been curious about something . You act all big and bad , but what happened to you ? What 's your story ? I 'm sure there has to come some benefits to you sticking around here , right ? I don 't think you would count as a friend since you 're dead , but since I have time to pass I might as well ask . So tell me , Bad Boy , what is your story ? " Bailey watched the male closely , her hands falling from her hips and instead going up to cross over her chest before she climbed up on her bed and saAfterall , not everyone was easy to read . Take Bailey for example . She came off as someone who didn 't care what others think and like she had plenty of sas . Being a teenager , the girl does have plenty of sass , and she isn 't afraid to stand up for herself , but that doesn 't mean everything is easy to pass over like she acts like . In fact , most of the time she was the person doing exactly what she was then . Listening . She was a listener , not a talker . She didn 't like giving out her story and knew that deep down it would be better for everyone if her story stayed quiet , because if the wrong kind of person knew her history , the poor girl would have no chance of making friends , not that she had an easy time anyway . She was great at making friends and she was quite friendly , despite how she came off to the male who randomly showed up in her new bedroom . The only thing was that she didn 't talk . For the first year of living with her father , the young girl didn 't talk at all . She was depressed and mute , but if you ask her now , she claims that she had nothing to say . What was she going to say anyway ? The young girl had been a listener since she was born . She use to live with her mother who commanded that she doesn 't speak a word , move a muscle , or breathe a breath until she was told to do so . The girl was young when this began happening , so there wasn 't much that she could say or do to stand up for herself . That was the first mistake she made in life : Not standing up for herself . But the way the girl was now , you 'd never think that she wouldn 't stand up for herself . Bailey doesn 't care what people thiink of her or what they say about her . She just wants to be herself and be happy , and over the course of her life , she somewhere realized that her happiness doesn 't come from others , though it sure does help , but instead it comes from herself . That was when she changed . Everything . Now she is the Bailey that Seamus first met . The one who doesn 't care what others think and is going to say what is on her mind when it is on her min Hearing the girl mutter that he was too tall made the young ghost laugh . He hadn 't actually laughed in so long . Sure , he would see someone do something stupid and look around to see if anyone saw while they glanced over him , not seeing him , but hadn 't actually laughed in a long time . It was a strange sensation , getting these feelings back , but it was definitely something that he couldn 't help be grateful for . When he was alive he didn 't think about anything being the last . The last kiss , the last hug , the last word , the last view , the lasst paper , the last anything . Part of him had always felt like he would have forever , but reality checked in with him much , much too soon . He was just beginning his life , which was partly why he was so angry , but it was mainly because he had never been able to realize and take back all the things that he took for granted . So now that all of these things were taken away from him , even the smallest of things like a laugh , he couldn 't help but get angry at people who took these things for granted , thinking that they had forever like he use to . He knew that he wouldn 't make that mistake twice though . Kylin watched the young girls reaction upon entering the beautiful open way of the woods . Upon basically seeing her jaw dropped , the teen smiled and hoped that it was a good thing and that she liked it . Seeing her blue eyes go crazy with curiousity and full of beauty , his thoughts were confirmed . He smiled ever so lightly as he watched her walk around , taking in everything . Something about this girl seemed so insane . Like he wanted to do things he had never done before . Not like those things that most teens did , but like go on crazy adventures . Jumping off cliffs , skinny dipping , stargazing , everything . This girl seemed to catch his attention in a way that he had never felt . He use to be a complete ladies man . They were always all over him and how crazy and fun he was , and although he dated a few different girls , they never gave him this feeling . This feeling of passion , of freedom , of ho # 19 She could feel his gaze on her back as she let her fingers glide across the glass like , watching as the ripples disrupted that illusion and made everything else look different . It was peaceful , her new thinking spot and she had Kylin to thank for it . Then again she was pretty sure that if she went missing , no one would notice . After all , Annabeth loved her mom and her mother meant well , but sometimes she too got wrapped up in the materialistic things and forgot about her , leaving Annabeth on her own . The worst part about that , it usually happened when she needed someone the most . Hearing the softest reply , a tiny smile crossed her features as she gazed at the water , a small feeling settling deep within her stomach . She wasn 't really sure why that reply made her smile , maybe it was because it felt that he was listening to her , he was there for her even though there was a chance that he was just a figment of her imagination . Silence between the two settled in , but it wasn 't too bad , there was still the sounds of the birds and the rustling of leaves , very comforting if she had to admit . Upon hearing his voice , she looked over at him with her blue eyes , wondering if she really would tell him about her life , why she moved here . Then again it was possible that he was only a figment of her imagination , so if she really wanted , she could open up and tell him all she wanted , knowing that it would just stay between herself and well . . . her mind . Standing up , she brushed herself off and moved to sit down next to Kylin , tilting her head to the side and thinking about how to reply . Her gaze shifted up towards the sky , watching as the clouds moved across the beautiful blue sky and birds zoomed by over head . " Well . " She began as she pursed her lips and rubbed her hands together , trying to figure out what to say . Even if she was talking to just a figment of her imagination , it was still hard to figure out what she wanted to tell him , what she wanted to acknowledge or not . Her mind went back towards the incidents at Manchester and After apologizing , Annabeth sat on the edge , her hands folded neatly in her lap and letting the silence settle in . She could feel her heart pounding in her chest as she gazed around the area , wondering what else she could talk about . She already knew what had happened to him after reading the article , but maybe he had interests . " Wh - what about you ? " Annabeth uttered after awhile , glancing over at him . ' What . . . are er . . . . were your hopes and dreams ? " She asked softly , wanting to get to know this male better , even if he was possibly a figment of her imagination . With a snap of his fingers , Seamus changed his outfit instantly and he stood there , gazing at the female before him . He listened to her as she talked , causing him to shaking his head and run a hand through his hair . He chuckled ever so faintly , finding it kind of nice that she hit the nail on the head , well almost . " Ah , not quite love . " He said , shooting her another wink and watching as she picked up a picture frame and put it down . He glanced at it , noticing the familiar girl except younger . . . a lot younger . Cute . " Yes , I was the bad boy , played all the sports , got any girl I wanted , everyone wanted to be me . " He explained , though as he told her , there was a sad and distant look in his eyes , one that hurt his heart and would pain anyone else to see . " Nah , I didn 't have to sneak out . My parents . . . ' He trailed off , gazing off into the distance as if he started to get lost in his memories . " They trusted me so they let me do as they please . And if there was a night they needed meh , then I would gladly stay home for them or do what they wanted without complaint . " He told her , his confidant voice soon sinking down to that of a lost boy . And in a sense , he was lost , his family couldn 't see him and they knew that he was dead . He felt that he had let them down and if he could , he would go back and tell his younger self to get out . Upon hearing the girl speak up again , he glanced over at her , smiling ever so faintly and watching as she moved to sit down on her bed . " Ya sure you want to hear it ? It 's kinda long . " He told her as he pulled out a chair and sat down , rubbing his thighs as he thought about it . " Well if you want to know my ghostly story , and from my point of view then this is my story , starting from the day of my birth . " He joked as he leaned back in his seat . He explained his family to her , that he was raised by two loving parents , had the sweetest sister ever and that he honestly had a great life . He was honest , he told her that he was a jerk in high school and being dead had showed him what a jerk he was and i " He shot me . . . I wasn 't dead but I remember the pain . It was unbearable . I heard him moving around the house , muttering unintelligent words and when I though that I was possibly going to be able to get out of this alive , he went into the kitchen and came back with a knife . I just felt pain all over my body , and I wanted to cry . The next time I woke up , I was in my house , standing over my bloody and disfigured body , listening to the screeching of my mother and the shouts of my father . " He said , clenching his fists tightly and closing his eyes . He didn 't tell the young teen this story to get sympathy from her but more as a lesson to never take things for granted . After awhile of silence and a few deep breaths , Seamus wiped at his eyes before he looked at the young female . " Enough about me . " His voice cracked an he turned away . " I don 't think I ever caught your name . " He said softly . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . We are a community ran by REAL PEOPLE ! We are not a corporation or a company . Our server , domain , and software licenses are privately owned and paid for 100 % out of our own pockets . 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I know there are a lot of blogs worth reading out there , but this one is my current favorite . It 's called Margaret and Helen , and it 's written by Helen Philpot , who is 82 years young . She is an uppity , outspoken old broad , and I agree with everything she has to say . She says what I 'm thinking much better than I could ever say or write it . So go check her out . Campbell now has his first black eye . The kid is running through more injuries and ER visits than his sisters combined , and he 's only two . I have no idea how this one happened . I was in the living room nursing Elizabeth , and Campbell was in his room playing . The next thing I knew , I heard a huge crash and Campbell started screaming . When I got in there , he was on the floor , halfway under the guest bed , with the donk on his forehead and scratches on his nose and under his eye . Between his face and Ella 's snaggle teeth , people are going to wonder about us . Posted by I am far too sleep deprived and frazzled to write anything close to coherent today . In addition to a newborn , I 'm dealing with two sick kids home from school . I 'm learning that with four kids , there 's always something going wrong . If there 's anything sweeter than a sleeping baby , I don 't know what it is . B insists on swaddling Elizabeth with both of her hands tucked in the blanket . She always manages to get one free , though . I love when babies sleep with their arms over their heads like this . Elizabeth is wearing the Elizabeth Zimmerman Surprise Jacket my mom knit for her . I 'm working on knitting a matching hat out of the leftover wool . Not surprisingly , I 'm having a hard time finding opportunities to knit . Elizabeth rarely cries - usually it 's because I 've done something mean like changed her diaper or given her a bath . Here she was crying because I had changed her diaper and then tortured her by taking pictures . I wanted to get a picture of how she still curls up her legs against her chest , but she was kicking and flailing instead . Having Elizabeth in NICU for seven days was stressful and hearbreaking all at the same time . During my first visit to NICU ( I 'm not counting the one right after I had her because I was still hopped up on morphine ) , I sat next to Elizabeth 's warming bed in my wheelchair and held her teeny hand and sobbed uncontrollably while trying to ask questions . The nurse couldn 't have been more kind and patient and understanding . She patted my shoulder and held my other hand and waited patiently for me to stop crying long enough to sputter out my questions , all of which she answered calmly and thoroughly . It turns out she wasn 't the exception . Every nurse we dealt with was amazing - each one was calm and compasionate . They made the whole situation remotely bearable . When I left Elizabeth to go back to my room or back to the house , I did so with full confidence that she was being well taken care of . Our favorite night nurse , Sally , stuck a bow on Elizabeth 's head as soon as her cpap was removed . " I want her to look like a girl , " she said . Sally also made a beautiful name tag for Elizabeth 's bed . And when Elizabeth no longer needed the warming bed , Sally found this adorable quilt , made by Threads of Love , for Elizabeth 's bassinette . When we were struggling to get Elizabeth to eat enough either from a bottle or by nursing , another favorite nurse , Stacy , did everything she could to get Elizabeth to eat enough that she wouldn 't have to be tube fed . Stacy knew that Elizabeth had nursed enough to not be hungry , but at that time the doctor still wanted Elizabeth to eat a certain amount from a bottle . If she didn 't take it by mouth , we had to feed her by tube , which no one wanted to do . Stacy 's efforts weren 't successful , but I appreciated that she took the time to try . One other nurse , Heidi , told B that she had been working in NICU for 15 years . Even though she had been working with babies for so long , you could tell that she still really loved the job just by the way she talked to the babies - even the teeniest ones . Throughout ElizabetPosted by Lily just loves , loves , loves Elizabeth , and we have to stop her from smothering the baby with affection many times a day . She asks to hold Elizabeth at least 10 times before breakfast , and if I say no because Elizabeth is sleeping or eating or having her diaper changed , then Lily has to smother her with kisses and hugs . If I 'm holding Elizabeth , Lily will pull on my arms to be able to reach the baby . I 've almost dropped Elizabeth because of Lily . B and I are walking a fine line ; we want Lily to love her sister and not feel any more resentful or jealous than necesary , but we can 't let her flatten the poor thing with attention . It 's a tricky balancing act . On the other hand , Lily isn 't mother - henning Campbell quite as much , and now he actually seeks her out to play with instead of running away when he sees her coming . We 've been praising Lily to the skies for playing so well with Campbell , and I think our positive reinforcement is having some effect . It 's always something . And . . . Elizabeth went for a check - up yesterday , and she 's gained five ounces since Friday . Our doctor was hoping for half an ounce a day , so she doubled his goal . She now weighs five pounds , 2 . 5 ounces . Yay Teeny Bit ! Posted by These past few weeks have been incredibly stressful ones around here , understandably so . And each day I remind myself how lucky I am to have B as a husband . Honestly , there 's no one else I 'd rather be going through all of this with than him . He 's done an amazing job of holding down the fort , especially during the five days I was in the hospital . One of the bad things about owning your own business , particularly in real estate , is that it is incredibly hard to just drop everything and take a week off on no notice . There are clients who still need to be taken care of , closings that still need to be attended , new agents who need their hands held , and inspections that still need to happen . So in addition to taking care of three kids during that week , he managed to also keep working to get business wrapped up so that he could take some time off . Granted , he had help with the house and kids from his mother , but he still did a tremendous amount of work , both at the office and at home . I know it wasn 't easy for him . I 'm able to arrange my work around nap / school hours , but it 's harder for B to do that - when a client calls , the client must be dealt with . He managed to take care of everything here and still spend time at the hospital with me and Elizabeth . Once I got out of the hospital , things didn 't get any easier for B . Not only did he have a helpless wife needing to be waited on , he had to drive me back and forth to the hospital twice a day for an hour each time . And when we were home , he still had to take care of the kids , especially Campbell , who didn 't understand why mama couldn 't pick him up like she always does . Things are slowly getting easier , especially since I 'm more mobile , but B is still having to do a lot . He hasn 't been to the office in days , instead working from the house so he can be here to lift Campbell in and out of his crib and tote him back in the house when he refuses to come inside . So even though these 2 1 / 2 weeks have been scary and stresful , I 'm very grateful I 've had B by my side and on my side . I Posted by My mom , knittergran , knit this adorable jacket for Elizabeth . Check out her blog for more details on the knitting of it - it 's called the Elizabeth Zimmerman Surprise Jacket , and the surprise is that it is knit in all one piece . I took a picture of it next to a book so you could get an idea of how small it is . As small as the jacket is , it 's still much bigger than Elizabeth . But at the rate she 's eating , I 'm sure she 'll grow into it in no time . And after watching my mom knit the jacket , I 'm tempted to make one , too . The poor guys - they are so outnumbered . B knows he is ; Campbell hasn 't figured it out yet . Ella 's top three teeth have been loose for ages . The tooth to the left of her front teeth fell out last Sunday , and she looked really goofy . But it got worse last night when her right front tooth fell out while she was at a slumber party . One friend 's father said it looked like Ella had been in a fight . Ella was mostly just excited that the Tooth Fairy found her at the slumber party and left her a dollar . I 'm just happy that the party Tooth Fairy pays the same rate for teeth as the normal Tooth Fairy . First , at Becca 's request , some new pictures . In the top photo , Elizabeth just looks the absolute picture of contentment . She snoozed in knittergran 's lap like that for an hour . Knittergran finally moved Elizabeth to her bouncy seat so that she could knit - she 's trying to finish a sweater for Elizabeth before she leaves on Saturday ( sob ) . The second picture is blurry because the flash didn 't go off for some reason , but you can get an idea of how teeny Elizabeth is . That 's my finger she 's holding . The hat she 's wearing is one that I knit last month . I was worried it would be too small for her . Instead , it 's a bit big . Elizabeth manages to squiggle out of it during the night . And now for something completely different . Yesterday was one for the record books . I still don 't think I 've recovered . I was out in the front , loading car seats into my car so that mom , who has to drive me , and I could drop some of my unfinished work off at the publisher I work for and then go to the scary baby store when B called for me . I went in to find him holding a pill bottle with my anti - nausea meds in it . He asked how many had been in the bottle , but I couldn 't tell him . Campbell had walked up to B with with the open pill bottle , and when B asked him if he had eaten any , nodded yes . So B called poison control , and they told him to get Campbell to the ER . B headed out with Campbell while I stayed home and tried not to absolutely freak out . The doctor told B that he didn 't think Campbell had eaten any of the pills because they taste awful when chewed and he thought Campbell would have spit the pill out rather than swallow it . B hadn 't found any pill residue in Campbell 's mouth or on his clothes , but the doctor still had to treat Campbell as if he had eaten one . So Campbell got to drink chocolate milk mixed with charcoal , which was supposed to make him throw up . He never did . They held Campbell for observation for two hours - I had joined them after an hour and half - and then released him with instructions for us to watch him closely forhokgardner Monday was a rough day all the way around at chez hok . All the kids were home from school for the holiday , and it was Elizabeth 's first real day at home , so the novelty factor was still huge . Every time I tried to nurse her or pump milk , I 'd have three other kids in my lap wanting to watch . And to complicate matters , B came down with some horrible stomach bug that had him throwing up for hours . I quarantined him the back of the house and took him gatorade every few hours . Fortunately , knittergran is here , and she was a huge help with the kids . I don 't know what I would have done had I been solo with all four . Lily had a particularly rough day of it . At one point I found her in bed with her covers over her head . I sat down next to her to have a little chat . H : Are you having a rough day ? L : ( muffled by covers ) Yes . H : I know it 's hard . Everyone 's paying attention to Elizabeth because she 's new , and everyone 's paying attention to Ella because it 's her birthday . L : ( muffled ) And you 're sitting on my foot ! I had no idea I had added to Lily 's woes by sitting on her foot . I curled up with Lily in her bed for a while and just loved on her . Fortunately , our divine neighbor L saved the day later by inviting Lily over for a playdate , cup cake party and dinner . B and I are trying to remember to take time each day to give Lily some undivided attention to make sure she doesn 't get lost in the shuffle . Yesterday , B made a mountain of Chex Mix and had Lily be his sous chef . She also got some one - on - one time with knittergran while Ella was at rock climbing . I think she had a better day all around . And finally , an update on Elizabeth . We took her for her first check - up yesterday , and she has gained a whopping three ounces since Sunday . That may not seem like a lot , but when you weigh less than five pounds , it 's a significant amount of weight . We go back on Friday for another weight check . Her jaundice is looking better , too . She 's much less orange than she was in NICU , so that 's more good news . Ella turned 8 today , and it 's hard for me to believe that this monkey hanging from the tree with her grandpa was such a tiny little thing not so long ago . Now she 's a rock climbing , Nancy Drew reading , adventure girl , always up for any kind of outdoor fun . Ella 's birthday has kind of gotten lost in the commotion of Elizabeth 's arrival . She was supposed to have her birthday party this past Saturday night , but we had to postpone it . We 've promised her something extra special to make up for the delay . Today she 's getting to go out to a movie and dinner with B 's dad , whose birthday is also today . It will be good for her to have some one - on - one time with him . I hadn 't bought her any presents yet , thinking I had this past week to prepare . So B and knittergran made emergency runs to stores last night to pick up a few things . Her main birthday presents are all of her new rock climbing gear , but they haven 't come in yet . I didn 't want her to not have anything to open on her birthday - her presents from my parents are in the mail , and since there 's no mail delivery today . . . So happiest of birthdays Ella - bella . You are the best 8 - year - old I know ! Posted by At 1 : 30 today , as I was taking a nap , the hospital called , and I got the good news that we could fetch Elizabeth . I bolted straight out of bed and dragged B off the back porch . When we got to the hospital , I nursed Elizabeth to the sounds of all the beeping machines one last time as B and I watched the mandatory CPR and Shaken Baby Syndrome videos . The nurse cut the rest of the check out short since she figured we already knew how to change diapers and swaddle babies . As one nurse said , " There 's a benefit to being a four - time mom . " When we got home , knittergran and the girls were waiting on the front porch . The girls could barely contain their excitement . Campbell just wanted B to go in the back yard with him . We made the girls scrub their hands and then let them hold Elizabeth . Lily needs to work on keeping Elizabeth 's head higher than her feet . She also needs to work on sitting still while holding her . Every time Elizabeth got comfortable , Lily would wiggle and move her . Ella needs to practice keeping Elizabeth on the pillow . Elizabeth kept sliding down between Ella and the pillow , and I 'd have to fish her out again . Campbell eventually came in and studied Elizabeth for a while . He finally held her hand and jabbered at us about her . Then he brought toys in for Elizabeth , including his new favorite train . I had to stop him from driving the train across Elizabeth 's belly . Later he got very concerned when I took Elizabeth 's hat off while I was nursing her . Campbell handed the hat to me and pointed at her head - I think he figured that since she came home with the hat , she always has to have the hat on . And now we start the fun of waking up every three hours to feed the baby . I 'm so grateful to have her here that I don 't even mind the impending sleep deprivation . B and I went back to the hospital yesterday morning for Elizabeth 's 11 : 00 feeding , and while we were there , I tackled the nurse practitioner for information . He did a quick review of her chart and asked if we had her car seat already . When we said we did , he told us to bring it with us in the evening for a seat check . When I asked if that meant we 'd be bringing her home , he said , " I need to examine her and take a closer look at her chart , but I don 't see much that 's keeping her here . " If I hadn 't been holding Elizabeth at the time , I would have been jumping up and down , stitches be damned . So we went home and got the car seat all ready , and I called a few people with the news that we might be able to bring her home . We went back to the hospital for Elizabeth 's 5 : 00 feeding to get the news that she hadn 't woken up for her 2 : 00 feeding and so they had had to tube feed her . I nearly crumbled right there and then . Basically , Elizabeth has to go 48 hours without needing to be tube fed at all . It doesn 't matter whether she nurses or uses a bottle , she just has to wake up enough to eat by mouth every three hours for 48 hours . So her tube feeding yesterday afternoon reset the clock . It will be Sunday afternoon at the earliest before she can come home . I am beyond frustrated at this point . Even though I KNOW this is for the best , I can 't help but wonder , " What if she 's just not hungry every three hours ? What if she was just tired and wanted to snooze a little longer ? Who says she HAS to eat every three hours ? What if she always wants to sleep through her 2 : 00 feeding ? " As is my nature , I 've spiraled straight into expecting the worst - case scenario - that it will be weeks before we can bring her home because she 'll keep having just one feeding where she sleeps . It seems like there should be some wiggle room involved . I was so blue last night that I skipped out on watching a movie with B and the girls and climbed into bed to cry . I really don 't want the girls to see how upset and worried I am . We 'll be going in at 2 : 00 and 8 : 00pm tPosted by I 'm home , but Elizabeth isn 't . My doctor tried everything she could think of to keep me in , but the hospital was packed and there were women in labor and delivery stacked up , waiting for rooms . I was ok on the drive home , but once I got to the house , I fell apart . I went into my frantic , keep moving so that I don 't have to think mode . B got home from picking Ella up at rock climbing to find me sitting on the floor in Campbell 's room searching through boxes looking for the head support that goes with the car seat . He picked me up and steered me to the bedroom and put me in bed while I sobbed . Campbell made me feel better later in the night . I came in the bedroom to find him tucked into my side of the bed with my book , waiting for me . I nearly started crying again . I got a good snuggle in with him until B swooped him off to bed . This morning 's report on Elizabeth is good . She drank two bottles last night without needing the feeding tube . I 'm headed in at 11 : 00 to feed and rock her and to snorgle her ( Thanks Becca for my new favorite word ) . I 'll probably go back in at 5 : 00 for another feeding . My goal is to be at the hospital twice a day . My mother arrives tomorrow morning , which will be a huge help . She can be at the house spoiling the kids while B and I are at the hospital . Thanks again to everyone for all the wonderful notes of support . Notice that B 's thumb is as big as Elizabeth 's head . It 's amazing to see her size in perspective to something else . Such a proud papa . B was able to feed Elizabeth a bottle yesterday . He hung out with her in NICU for about an hour , and she was awake for a lot of his visit . Patience is not one of my virtues , and this situation is testing my patience . There 's no amount of knitting in the world that can help me through this . After Elizabeth 's great progress on Tuesday , she hit a bit of a plateau yesterday . She 's able to maintain her blood sugar levels , so she 's off the IV . She 's also able to maintain her body temperature while swaddled , so she 's out of the big warming bed and in a regular nursery bassinet . Eating is the last thing on Elizabeth 's list that she needs to get figured out , and it 's slow going . This morning she latched on but then just sat there for 10 minutes before falling asleep . She did the same thing with her bottle at lunchtime . They 've put a tube down Elizabeth 's nose so that they can feed her that way when she doesn 't want to nurse or drink from the bottle . For Elizabeth to go home , they have to take the tube out of her nose and have her eat , either through nursing or the bottle , consistently . And there 's no way to predict how long that will take . I had been thinking she 'd probably be home this weekend , based on the progress she 's made so far , but when my doctor came in to check on me today , she said she was thinking it would be a week . It was all I could do not to burst into tears at that point , especially given how much Elizabeth had struggled with eating this morning . I 'm feeling a bit better about it all now given Elizabeth 's last feeding . She nursed like a rock star for 20 minutes , doing a good enough job that the nurse didn 't even try to give her a supplemental bottle . We still don 't have any word on when she 'll be going home , and at this point we don 't even know if I 'm going home today . My doctor is going to try to get some information on Elizabeth 's status . If it 's possible for her to go hoPosted by Yesterday morning Elizabeth was still breathing with the help of the cpap and being fed through a tube down her throat . Yesterday afternoon they took off the cpap and put her on a canula , which Elizabeth kept pulling out of her nose and putting in her mouth to suck on . By the end of the day the doc took off the canula , and Elizabeth has been breathing on her own , without assistance , ever since . I was able to give Elizabeth her first bottle yesterday at lunch time , and she powered through it in about 30 seconds . Since she did such a good job with her second bottle , the nurse took the tube out of her throat . This morning I went in for Elizabeth 's early feeding , and I was able to nurse her . She latched on without a problem and nursed for 20 minutes - such a little rock star ! She was also holding her own body tempertature , so they turned off the heat bed and swaddled her . I tried to nurse Elizabeth at lunchtime , but she wasn 't interested . The nurse thinks Elizabeth wore herself out this morning and was too tired to nurse . So she got a bottle instead , which is just fine with me . I just want her to eat , eat , eat ! Elizabeth is hitting all of the marks she needs to - she 's eating by mouth , breathing on her own , and maintaining her body temperature . The next big step is for her to glucose levels to stay where they need to be without the help of an IV . The doctors still won 't give us an estimate on when we 'll be able to take Elizabeth home , but if things continue , it will be sooner rather than later . * * * * Also , a huge thank you to everyone who has commented and e - mailed . Your messages of support and encouragement mean a great deal to me and B . I 've been especially encouraged by all the stories of preemies who are now thriving . Hearing the success stories has been tremendously reassuring . And now , some pictures from yesterday morning . I 'll try to get some more today with a better camera . Posted by It 's pretty interesting that I wrote Sunday 's post just hours before Elizabeth was born . My brain was aware of what was going on , even if " I " wasn 't . I woke up Sunday morning feeling off and having sporadic contractions . I didn 't think much of it at the time , given that I 'd had a similar day when I was pregnant with Campbell . I had called in on that day , and the nurse had said to lie down and see what happened . The contractions went away over night , so I figured that the same thing would probably happen this time . I figured wrong . By about 7 : 00 pm I was having contractions pretty regularly , and it didn 't matter whether I was lying down , sitting up or walking around . So I called in and was told to get the hospital asap . When we arrived , they put me on monitors and observed me for an hour . By the end of the hour , my contractions were 3 - 5 minutes apart , and the doctor ordered an operating room . They popped Elizabeth out at 10 : 38 pm , and showed her to me quickly before whisking her off to NICU . B was able to go with her to NICU . He re - joined me in the recovery room . Once I finished in recovery , the nurse wheeled me in to NICU so I could see and touch Elizabeth . Basically , she 's able to breathe on her own , but she has to work really , really hard to keep her lungs inflated . They have her on a cpap - a little mask that goes over her nose - that puffs air into her lungs to keep them inflated so that she can breathe without having to work so hard . She spent a while on pure oxygen , but now she 's just on regular room air ( I think it 's funny that the medical term is " room air " ) . Last night they started giving her milk that I 've been pumping . They feed her through a tube down her throat into her tummy . I went to visit her in time to watch a feeding last night , and when she was finished I was able to hold her for the first time . It did me a world of good to hold her . It has been incredibly difficult to not have her with me . I 've spent a lot of time crying about it over the past two days . The hospital allows siblings into NICU , Posted by This is a guest post by knittergran , grandmother of hokgardner 's new daughter ! Elizabeth Anne was born at 10 : 38 last night ( Sunday evening ) , and weighs four pounds , fifteen ounces . ( Eat , girl , eat ! ) Yes , she was four weeks early , but hokgardner went into hard labor and the doctor said there was a reason for that and that it was time for Elizabeth to meet everyone . hokgardner is doing fine , considering , but wants MORE DRUGS please , and Elizabeth ( isn 't that just the loveliest name ! ) is now breathing regular air rather than air with oxygen added . She needs to meet three requirements in order to come home : 1 . Breathe completely on her own . 2 . Eat via her mouth rather than through a tube . 3 . Maintain her own body temperature . She is currently in NICU , but not in an incubator , so that 's a good sign , and she 's well enough that her big sisters are visiting her this afternoon . They have to scrub up in order to meet her , and I 'm sure the solemnity of all of that will quite impress them . Lily , in fact , announced no fewer than four times at breakfast that SHE had wished for a girl and that 's what they have gotten . The new mother of four will be back blogging soon , I 'm sure , but wanted you all to know about the newest Gardner ! Pictures to follow . . . . Back in the olden days - this encompasses everything from the era of Henry VIII to the Victorian era - women who were pregnant had a period of confinement , or lying in , prior to the birth of a child . The length of time varied according to the era and its traditions , but it always involved the woman 's being confined to the house , sometimes to a special room , to rest and read and make things for the baby . Of course , this tradition was limited to women who were wealthy enough to have staff and servants to keep the house running . Right now , I 'm thinking I 'd like that tradition to make a come back . I am feeling lousy these days . There 's nothing really wrong with me ; I 'm just 35 weeks ' pregnant and I 'm worn out and feeling a bit blue . I 'd like nothing more to hide away in my room for the next four weeks and sleep and read and knit and sleep some more . But alas , that can 't be . We don 't have staff , and as I found out a few weeks ago when I was sick in bed for two days , the house kind of falls apart without me . I have three kids and a husband ( who is very helpful , really ) to look after . There 's carpooling and work projects and laundry and groceries . Plus there are the extra things I want to get done in the house , like cleaning out my closet and reorganizing the pantry and pulling out the kids ' fall - ish clothes . Since I can 't confine myself to my room for four weeks , I 'll sneak bits of rest when I can . But it 's going to be a long four weeks . A while back , my good friend S told us a funny story during one of our long , dark , early morning runs , and today I couldn 't help but think of it and laugh . S had cleaned out her closet and rounded up all the dry cleaning hangers she could find and put them in the trash , knowing that the recycling truck wouldn 't pick them up . Her husband , D , found the hangers in the trash and fished them all out . D carefully bundled them up with twine and took them to their dry cleaners . He asked if they recycled hangers , and they said they did . So he unloaded all the hangers and went back to his car feeling very good about things . To leave this particular dry cleaner 's parking lot , you have to drive around the back of the building , where the dumpsters reside . D drove around back just in time to see the employee who had assured him that they recycled hangers toss D 's entire load into the dumpster . He was so deflated . Every time I drive by that particular dry cleaner 's I think of D and his hangers and laugh . Why do I bring this up ? This morning , I took about 200 hangers to our dry cleaners . It took me half an hour to bundle them on to string while Campbell merrily destroyed my closet and bathroom . All my careful work went out the window when I picked up the bundles to take them to the car . I ended up with this mess . When I dropped off B 's clothes at our dry cleaners , I asked if they recycled hangers and was assured they did . I was relieved to not see the dry cleaning guy carrying them out to the dumpster as I left . And I was even more relieved to have them out of my closet . Two years ago , just before Christmas , I found a necklace I loved in a catalog . I circled the necklace and left the catalog on B 's desk with a note saying , " This is what I want for Christmas . " The necklace had a silver pea pod with tiny seed pearls in it , the idea being that you get one pearl for each child . I thought it was a sweet way to signify my three kids . Christmas morning arrived , and I opened my gift from B to find this necklace - You 'll notice that it has four pearls , not three . Apparently , B didn 't read the description of the necklace and missed the whole point of it . B , being B , ordered the one with four , " because it was the best . " I laughed it off on Christmas morning , but I was a bit annoyed . I mean , how much easier could I have made buying my present for him ? The store even wrapped the gift . So I didn 't wear the necklace very often , and when I did , I said that the four pearls represented the kids and my husband , who sometimes qualifies as another child . Then , just over a year later , I found out I was pregnant with number 4 . My good friend L claims that this baby is really all B 's fault ( obvious biology aside ) because he gave me the necklace with four pearls in it . He was just tempting fate . When I remember to accessorize , I wear the necklace . The first time I wore it after getting pregnant , B noticed I had it on and asked , " Am I not in trouble any more ? " I told him he wasn 't in trouble for the necklace , but he was still on the hook for the whole unexpected pregnancy thing . I 'm just grateful the catalog didn 't have the option to order 5 peas - I 'd be having twins . Posted by So it turns out that when you 're 35 weeks ' pregnant with your fourth child and you think you 're past getting excited about baby gear , you can still get all mushy over tiny baby clothes . My mom , otherwise known as knittergran , went a little nuts at the store the other day and bought a bunch of baby clothes for Baby Bee . The box arrived Monday , and I sat on the floor oohing and aaahing over all of it . There 's a particularly sweet little fuzzy jacket with ears on the hood that sent me into raptures . B watched me unpack the box and rolled his eyes the whole time . The girls were just as excited about the box of stuff . They spent quite a while looking everything over and exclaiming about how tiny it all is . Even though they both remember when Campbell was born , they don 't have any recollection of just how tiny he was as a new baby . They 're going to be pretty surprised when the finally see Baby Bee . Speaking of seeing Baby Bee , I get to have another ultrasound in two weeks . I 'm measuring small , so the doctor wants to take a peek . On the one hand , it will be nice to see the baby . On the other , our stupid # ( ) * @ ( * # insurance doesn 't cover ultrasounds , so I know I 'll be coughing up a big chunk of change for the chance to see the baby . |
January 22nd - remembering Christmas on this date three years ago . This would be Kathryn 's last Christmas . I can still see the smile on her face as she opened her gifts . I miss that smile so much . I brought this up because today ( January 22 , 2015 ) Scott and I just packed up the last box of Christmas . It is hard to think about her as gone . I was at my student 's house the other day and the Home Health nurse came over to change his dressing about his hickman line and flush it . We talked as she worked . She knows Kathy the nurse that helped us with Kathryn . My friend Julyn had a send off party for her daughter . Not like the one we had for Kathryn . Her send off party was forever . They are Mormon and her daughter will be gone for 18 months on her mission . She will be in Spain . We were at her house and one of my former students was there . We talked for a while and he seems to be doing great ! . His Mom came over and talked to me and asked about Kathryn . She said something about it getting easier . I said that they say it gets easier but I think it is actually getting harder . I am off of the couch and functioning but it is hard . She asked me if I went right back to work or how that all went . I said I stayed home for the rest of the year . It would not have been good for me or the kids for me to be at school . I was pretty bitter and mad . I think one ungrateful kid would have sent me over the edge at that point . I shared my butterfly story with her . We also talked about spirits for a while . I just wish Kathryn was on a mission and would be coming home soon . I still pray for God to have her visit . The Christmas eve vision was a good one but I would give anything to hold her again . My student is having his surgery on the 2nd of February . It will be a day that I don 't forget . I was very concerned about who would be doing the surgery and what they might do . I don 't want him to lose his leg . I sent a message to a friend from camp who told me last summer that he only has his legs because this second doctor saved them . His oI also got some bad news over the weekend . My friend Nick who I recently did Arts and Crafts with in the hospital has relapsed again . He now has full blown AML . He can 't have another bone marrow transplant as he has had two already . His cancer has become resistant to chemo . But Dr . Thomas has been researching and working on a new treatment plan . I was talking to Mom as they were waiting for the doctor to come in . Nick wants to have a big party with all of his friends . Sounds like Kathryn . She just wanted to have a big party and enjoy her friends . Kids are amazing aren 't they ? I 'm hopeful that Dr . Thomas will find the right mix of treatments for Nick . He is a brilliant man . I have had the pleasure of working with him a couple of times . He knows his stuff . Wine tasting with my junior / high school friends . What an evening . The wine tasting was something I won at the Wine Auction last year for Camp Goodtimes . The host was Rob the owner of Finn Hill Winery . He as a fantastic host and we all had such a good time . I couldn 't believe how the time flew . I didn 't get home until 1 am . I haven 't stayed out that late for years . Some good news too . Another boy from camp Colton is now in remission . He has also been fighting cancer for years . He has relapsed three or four times . He has had bone marrow transplants , chemo , and t - cell treatments . Hopefully this will last . But , then on the same day as we celebrate Colton 's remission , one of our camp kids Katie Elliott passes away . Katie had gone through so much . Her body was full of rods and screws to hold her together . The cancer ate at her bones . The pain of bone cancer is horrific but she had a beautiful way about her . She smiled and laughed and enjoyed life . When I see the photos of her from camp I know that Scott and I have chosen to support a place that allows kids like Katie to enjoy the life that they are living for the moment . It gives them a place where they can have love , joy , fun and a time to throw cancer to the side line . Even if life is cut short , Camp is a place that can help these kids get every bit of happiness they possibly can get out of it . Camp Goodtimes is not just a week long . There are connections made that go on throughout the year . The Goodtimes Project is committed to extending this connections more and more as it grows . Families like Katie 's need the support beyond camp as does every family that battles pediatric cancer . There are no words that can take away the fear and uncertainty that cancer brings to a family . But there can be support through actions , words and love . One of my students asked me if I was a Seahawk fan . I said , " Sure , they are our home team . " He inquired a bit more as to why I would like the Seahawks . I told him I liked what they do . He said , " You mean at Seattle Children 's ? " I said , " Yes . " I love what Russell Wilson does for the kids at Children 's . The smiles that he brings is priceless . I don 't know if he truly realizes how mush his visits mean to these families and how it helps the healing process . I 'm just glad he has chosen to act . To take part in something so meaningful . To show others that a little kindness goes a very long way . I 'm hoping my student will get to meet him too . The day is drawing near . The third anniversary of Kathryn 's death . I will never forget that day . The vision is so clear . The last breath still heard . I miss her laugh , her smile , her hugs , and her sweet little voice . I miss her innocents . I miss shopping with her . I miss watching movies with her . I miss decorating with her . I miss planning parties with her . I miss having her in my life . No , it doesn 't get easier . No , time does NOT heal this pain . No , nothing will replace what I had with her . My heart is broken forever . There is a hole in my life that will never be filled . This empty space that is dark and lonely . I long for her . The 2nd of February came and I was at work as I should be . Distracting my mind as best as I can . But then just before 1st period was to begin I received a text message and I read it . It was from a friend remembering Kathryn as I love people to do . The tears streamed down my face . I couldn 't hold it back . There were many kids in the room and one of them caught a glance of my tears . I tried to hide them as quickly as I could . Then as I went on with the day I just made some big mistakes . Adding and subtracting and the algebra that I can do so easily I fumbled . I apologized to my students and quickly made the statement that it was the 3rd anniversary of my daughter 's death . The looks on their sweet faces showed they cared but didn A few days later I received something in the mail for Kathryn . It as from a graduation company . The e was the invite to attend her graduation with the Western Washington University design on the front . I t ought about saving it but then I thought why ? It s kind of strange that this should come in the mail just after I noticed that Kathryn had put in her profile on her facebook page that she graduated from Western . She was certainly optimistic . Yes erday 2 / 12 / 15 my new Principal at my school saw me and he said , " Wait here I have something for you . " He an into his office and reached into his bag . The he handed me a package of Gummy Pandas . I w s really surprised and so pleased that he would think of me and remember Kathryn . The e are the little things in life that bring more joy than people will ever know . Jus today I received a notice from a young lady that knew Kathryn in elementary school and lost connection when she moved in middle school . But then a friend of hers met Kathryn on he trip to Europe with People to People . Suc a lovely piece that she wrote . I t ank all of you who remember and cherish your memories of Kathryn . I t ank all of you who share with me . I l ve hearing from you and would love to have coffee with anyone who loved my dear sweet girl . Enj y your Valentine 's Day and share this love everyday throughout the year as it should be . Lov you all , ndi Thanksgiving : I went to my Mom 's house the day before Thanksgiving to help her with cleaning and getting dinner ready for 18 people . It was quite a task but we had a lot of fun doing it . The turkey was put in the oven at Midnight and done at 6 : 00 am Thanksgiving morning . Mom and I laughed all night and again early in the morning . I sure love her . I didn 't get much sleep and her cat didn 't help jumping on me all night long . I had a killer headache all day but I still wouldn 't trade the fun we had for a non - headache day . Thanksgiving was good . So a day or two after Thanksgiving I went shopping for the family I adopted through Candlelighters . These are all families in need that also have a child with cancer . I had the same family in 2012 and 2013 . That family lost their precious little boy ( 2 years old ) to cancer in February of 2014 . This year the family I had was also from my school . So I had 5 people to shop for . The staff at my school pitched in too . While I was shopping I was looking at this nice winter coat for the Mom . I tried on the coat and I still wasn 't sure if it would be the right size . So , I sized up another lady in the store and asked her if she would try on the coat for me . She was glad to help . I shared with her that I had adopted a family through Candlelighters and she knew about it . She said she worked for Multicare in as a Hospice nurse . I looked at her and I said , " You were my daughter 's nurse . " We never signed up for hospice but she was our palliative care nurse . Before I could say more she said , " Yes , Kathryn ! We were just talking about her last week . " Wow , that was amazing . I couldn 't believe that it was " Kathy " the nurse who came to our house to help us deal with Kathryn 's very serious situation . She was great then and still a very wonderful person . We stood there in the store and talked for about an hour . She shared a couple of stories with me . I did remind her that she is the symbol of death to most people . She was for me . I also reminded her that I told her , " I am not going to talk to you any more about my daughter dying . " She said she remembered that . We both understood how I felt at the time . We had a very nice talk and I was so pleased to hear that she still thinks of Kathryn . Out of all of her patients she and her colleague still think of my daughter . We have a friend ( Wes ) who was a teacher . He taught my two older brothers and myself . He was a regular customer of my Dad 's at the gas station . I also worked with him at Stadium High School . Now he is also a friend of Scotts through his used tire shop . Anyhow , Scott was at the tire shop and they were talking . Wes asked about how we are doing and such . He described me to Scott as one of those dolls that you can push over but it just keeps on standing back up . Some of you may remember , " Webbles wobble but they don 't fall down . " He said that I could be handed just about anything and deal with it . Nothing takes me down . I 'm strong and I guess he is right . I have been handed a lot of bad stuff in my life and I just keep on going . Glad he noticed . I 'm flattered that he thinks of me this way . Klyde the cat continues to move the pillows from the living room to the spot where Princess ( the dog ) would sleep or eat . He has crawled into bed with us a few times now and even slept with us all night once . This is so out of character for him . He is not a loving cat . He does not like to be held of loved . But his losses are great ! He lost his Mommy ( Kathryn ) and his sister ( Princess ) . Christmas decorating was done with many tears . A few times I pulled out an ornament and just broke into tears . The shoe tree did me in pretty good . Kathryn was just like me if not worse . She loved to have lots of shoes . I bought her a couple of ornaments that were tress with shoes hanging from them . It sounds weird but they are cute . And very fitting for Kathryn . She loved them . Scott really got into the outside lights this year . I really think he was doing it with Kathryn in mind . He did a great job with the lights . I got a really strange email and it said it was from Kathryn Bradley and sent form her Iphone . Weird ! That 's all I can say . I found this to be very weird . Jeff ( my principal ) and I talked about his Mom and that she may be coming around . She had been very depressed since her son died . She stayed home and won 't go out . She actually asked this year about Christmas and where it would be and how she was going to go to Christmas . It did happen too ! I was so happy to find out after the break that she did in fact celebrate Christmas with her family . Jeff and I also talked about spirits and how they are for real . He shared a really great story with me about a boy and his Dad . They were both in the hospital in separate rooms . I can 't remember but I think they were in an accident . They were both in very bad shape when all of a sudden the boy sat up and at that same moment the Dad passed away in the next room . It was like the boy saw his Dad 's spirit . I do believe we live with spirits all around us . Shortly before Christmas I was shopping at the fabric store and I saw this Dad with his son . The son was definitely disabled in his mental capcity . He couldn 't speak and made strange movements . Dad had to direct him around the store . He was great ! The Dad . The way he was calm and called his son buddy . The son must have been 16 or so . They patiently waited for the younger sister to get her fleece cut . She was going to make blankets for Christmas gifts . The son did his figiting and it didn 't even phase Dad . I left the fabric store and moved on the " World Market . " I was looking for wine stoppers but didn 't find any . I did find some other things . I thought I should look at the ornaments as I had bought one for Richard ( my son ) , Katherine ( his fiancé ) and Kathryn but I hadn 't found one that was fitting for Scott . I looked and didn 't find a thing . But on my way out I walked by the ornaments again and there it was . It was a beautiful glass Panda . I didn 't see it there before . Now it jumped out at me . I really don 't think it was there before but it was put there for me to find the second time through . I couldn 't believe it ! As I was checking out the cashier and I were talking about the Panda and I told her that Panda 's were special because of Kathryn . I told her about Kathryn and Camp Goodtimes . Then she told me about her 8 - year - old son who wanted this same Panda but chose to buy the wooden one because it could break and he wanted his Panda to last forever . Then she told me about her other three children . One of them had severe seizers regularly . The other two had serious disabilities too . I should have made better notes so I could remember what they were . As I left the store and thought about her dealing with three children with disabilities every day and the Dad from the fabric store who had dreams of his son being an athlete or going fishing with him or working on cars with him and those dreams were crushed . I became very thankful . I was thankful that I had Kathryn for 21 years . I had a whole KaAs Christmas drew close I started to feel the stress . I love having Christmas at my house but this year it hit me hard on Christmas Eve that my daughter was not here . I was trying to make pies and get things done and then I got a severe headache and neck pain . I couldn 't function . My kitchen was all torn apart and I was running out of time . I also had to be dressed and ready to head to Seattle for dinner by 4 : 15 . All I could do was lay on the couch . I would try to get those darn pies done but I couldn 't . As I lay there on the couch I had a visit . It was a visit from Kathryn . It was so real . There she was in her skinny jeans , t - shirt and sweatshirt partially zipped and her pink beanie on . She was walking hand in hand with Jesus . They were walking down from heaven . They were laughing and smiling . She joined me here at the house . She and I lay across her bed and talked and laughed . We looked at the ceiling painted with animal clouds . We talked about how her friends had a good time figuring out what each animal the clouds were when they came to visit her . Then we decided we better go get her Dad ( Scott ) . We ran down the hall to the master bedroom to inform Scott that she was here to visit . Now we had to decide how to tell Richard . We wanted him to see Kathryn but we didn 't know exactly how to tell him and we didn 't want him to drive the 2 plus hours from Bellingham so emotionally that he might get in an accident . My vision ended there . It was really something . I really had a very peaceful feeling after that . Richard and Katherine stopped by to drop off gifts on Christmas Eve . I pulled myself up to say hi to them and chat a bit . They told me the lay back down . I was also told I looked terrible . I looked like I had a bad hangover and then smoked some pot to feel better and I hadn 't taken a shower in a couple of days . I looked bad . Right after Richard and Katherine left I threw up too . I was not feeling good . Stress does this to me . Worry - sorrow or whatever it is . It is not the flu or anything like that . It is my emotions . I had my vision after Richard and Katherine left and I started to feel a bit better . I pulled myself together around 3 : 00 . I finished those darn pies , cleaned the kitchen and jumped in the shower . I was ready to roll at 4 : 15 . All the way to Seattle I talked to myself . I talked myself into feeling better . As the evening progressed I felt better and better . I think I was satisfied having my visit from Kathryn . The dinner went well and I had a great time . Katherine said I looked great ! She couldn 't believe I looked so bad just a couple of hours ago . When I woke up on Christmas day I felt fabulous ! I must say it was that best I had felt in a long time . Richard and Katherine came down from Seattle in the morning to open gifts and help out . It was so relaxing and easy . The day was great ! We had 14 for dinner . I made too many pies by the way . Everything was perfect . I forgot to mention that I found the perfect ornaments for Richard ( a skier ) , Katherine ( a wine glass with Cheers written on it ) and one for Kathryn ( a high heel shoe in sparkles of lime green and hot pink ) . It was a wonderful Christmas ! Dr Choa - This is the doctor I have been seeing for acupuncture . My hands have felt great every since I have been seeing him . After my visit I sat and talked with him and his daughter in the front waiting room for at least a half an hour . I told them about Kathryn . His grandson has a brain tumor or had one but he is not able to care for himself now . He said some times it is better for the person to just pass away . Well … . I 'm sure some parents would definitely disagree with him but others may just think that the quality is more important than the quantity . That was something we thought about Kathryn . If she did come through this ( which was highly unlikely ) would she have her life back ? What kind of life would it be ? Such hard questions . I guess I have that to be thankful for too . I didn 't have a choice . I didn 't have to make any hard decisions . I had no control and everything happened as it did . My Dad never wanted to live like he did that last two years of his life . My husband always tells me not to let him live like that . He would rather die . I saw in the news that there is a 17 - year - old girl who talks about quality of life versus quantity . But I can 't agree with her or her mother . She has Hodgkin 's Lymphoma and she wants to skip chemotherapy . This type of cancer has an 85 % survival rate . Why would a mother agree to no treatment ? The state has intervened and is forcing treatment . Some day she may have a family and look back and thank the state for treating her cancer . This will be an interesting story to follow . The other girl who had the GBM I could understand her decision to take her own life . She was at a point of no return I 'm afraid . I don 't know what I would do for myself . I know that I certainly didn 't and wouldn 't have turned my back on treatment for Kathryn . Especially at such a young age . The Jehovah Witness ladies came to my house and we talked about creation . We also talked about how I fear Richard has turned his back on God . I can 't talk to him about it because he will just aLast Friday ( 1 / 9 ) night I spent my evening at MaryBridge Hospital in Tacoma . I was down there visiting our friend Nick . This is his third battle with cancer . I had such a great evening with him and his Mom . We did arts and crafts and talked about Kathryn . He shared a sad time with me . A time shortly after he heard about Kathryn passing . It just hit him one day . He said all of a sudden he was there at school and just couldn 't stop crying . He went to his locker and packed up his stuff and just left school and headed home . He said he cried all night . He was so upset about the thought of Kathryn being gone . We also talked about Kathryn visiting spiritually . He was very careful to ask me first if he could ask questions about Kathryn . He didn 't want to upset me . I told him that I loved talking about Kathryn and if I should cry it is ok . We talked about a photo that both he and I were looking for . It was a photo of him and Kathryn at camp . I know the photo is here somewhere . But I have looked and looked and can 't find it . He asked me if I thought that Kathryn might have hidden it . Maybe she had a bad hair day or something and didn 't want it found . I didn 't think that was the case . But who knows . Maybe she did hide it . I should ask her again to help me find it . He asked me how I was doing and I said , " ok . " He said , " No you are not ok , you are amazing ! " I love this kid . When he finishes this fight I hope that he never ever has to go through this again . Did you hear the latest break through ! Did you hear that they decided that most cancers are caused from bad luck ? Yes , lung cancer and skin cancer have definite ways to lessen your chances of getting them but for other cancers it is just that the person has bad luck . Wow ! Bad luck ! I didn 't see any real reason for Kathryn to get cancer . She was never sick . She had a couple of ear infections and sniffles but nothing unusual or ever sick enough to miss school . So , she was handed a bad card . The one of bad luck . At least these findings tell me I didn 't do anything wrong as a parent . You do second - guess yourself when your child dies . You blame yourself for not being more attentive to the chemicals and stuff in this world . But I have known of people with the healthiest of lifestyles that should or we thought should keep cancer away only to get it and die from it . I think it is too complex to find a cause . Brian cancer is one of the biggest mysteries . My neighbor started chemo on the 12th . She wanted to have a party before she started and felt icky . So we watched the football game with her and several other neighbors at their house on the 10th . It was a great afternoon . I 'm really glad we went . It is so important to do these little things for people . We were going to watch the game anyhow and why not share the time with our neighbor , as she wanted ? It really made her happy to have all of us there . I guess I should make them some lasagna soon . Well , one of my colleagues came to me after school . He wanted to share something with me before he made it public . Yep , he has cancer . He has Non - Hodgkin 's Lymphoma . He is optimistic and we just talked for a while . I sure appreciated him coming to me first . His diagnoses was confirmed on Christmas Eve of all days . He started treatment on the 15th of January . He said , " They are going to fry me with chemo . " He is getting I think three types of chemo . An IV drip and some by pill . Being optimistic helps and having a family to live for helps too . He has two children in high school and a wonderful wife . Planning on a celebration for Kathryn and Richard . It will be on the 7th of February . I 'm thinking I should take the 6th off . It will be a breakfast dinner with just a few people . Richard will be 28 this year . Kathryn would have been 24 . The 2nd will mark three years since she left us . I don 't think I will ever get over it . It will be good to have friends and family around . We didn 't last year and it nearly tore me apart . The 7th is the perfect date as it is right between Richard and Kathryn 's birthdays of the 9th and 5th . There might even be a big event that day . Rowan 's Mom , Rebecca is due with the twins . Rowan was 4 1 / 2 when she passed away of brain cancer on May 18th 2013 . Her brother will be Roland and her sister will be named Wren . I can 't wait to meet them . The boy I am doing homebound tutoring for will be having surgery in a week or two . They haven 't scheduled it yet . There isn 't a surgeon in Tacoma that could do the surgery so they will have to go to Seattle . Even there the surgeon said it would be a long and difficult surgery . It sounds like they will have a team of surgeons . He will be there for 5 days or more . The only good part is … Well , he may get to meet Russell Wilson of the Seahawks . I know that would really make him happy . His cancer has also spread from the pelvic bone to his leg as well . From what I understand they don 't really know what type of cancer it is . I was asked howSo I 'm ending here . I hope you have enjoyed reading my about my thoughts and experiences . I hope you all remember to do those little things for people . Time is the best thing to give . It is our most valuable asset . Pray for Rebecca to have an easy delivery . Pray that Roland and Wren are healthy . Pray that the boy I tutor has a great team of surgeons with steady hands . And pray that my friend Nick is done with cancer forever and lives on to be a healthy adult . And finally pray for my neighbor and colleagues . Pray that this difficult time quickly becomes just a memory of the past as they take on a life free of cancer . Thank you for your love and concern for my friends . Go Seahawks ! ! ! " A caring , grieving person on the outside . As a grieving parent you don 't realize how those around you are grieving . You are so deep in your grief , so depressed , so angry that you don 't realize just how deep the pain is for others . A good friend standing on the outside is hurting and doesn 't know what to do or say . This person has been in your life forever . This person has watched your children grow and celebrated every accomplishment they made . Oh this person hurts with a pain so deep but this person goes without notice . This person 's pain is not recognized nor acknowledged . How we forget those who have always been there when we grieve so deeply . I feel ashamed as I watch my good friend grieve over the loss of her uncle and yet her grief goes unnoticed . The wife the daughters and granddaughter are sent flowers , given cards and brought dinners . But the niece who thought of this man as more of a Father than her own Father goes without comfort or sympathy . I did this to her too . She loved my daughter as her own and I let her suffer in silence . I won 't let her go without comfort this time . A card and some flowers with let her know I care . I have talked with her and let her share her feelings but I think she needs more . I need to be the friend that gives her comfort because I let her go to the side when I was so deep in my grief . I cannot undo the past but only work with the present . My story is for all who have lost someone dear . Please don 't ' forget those on the sideline who could be filled with great pain . They have been part of a person 's life and just because they are not a close relative they too my be hurting and need comfort . Or maybe just to have their pain recognized . 15 months survival rate and less than 5 % make it to 5 years . This is for GBM and grade IV astrocytoma . Just some infromation . I had coffee with my former student Gina the other day . She is now 43 . She told me she came across a letter I had written to her when she was out of school and living in Florida . She still had that test she was taking on the day I came in to inform the teacher covering my class that Kathryn had a brain tumor ( 1999 ) , her first . She told me it wasn 't fair that they should have to count that test as they could tell when I came into the room that something was really wrong . I was tearing up and she said that upset her . She got a D - on the test . I believe it was her emotions . She did end up with an A in the class . She also skipped school to be with my family and me on the day of Kathryn 's surgery . It was nice to have her there as she took away a lot of the uneasiness of the situation . She also shared with me how she is now using her math in her new job and her math skills put her at the top of the class . She was proud to share the specific cases of where she used the math that I taught her . She doesn 't know just how much this means to me . I felt so good and I shared her stories with my current students the next day . Then I commented on one of her tattoos . I told her I wanted to get one to honor Kathryn but I wasn 't sure what to get . She said it was obvious to her . I asked , " What ? " She said a Panda . Then we talked about what panda . It has to be the right panda . It is a hard decision to make . After all it is forever . It will come to me and it will be the right tattoo . Klyde , Kathryn 's cat is in mourning . He misses Princess . He lost Kathryn and now he lost Princess . He has become more affectionate with us . But what is really weird is how he has taken pillows off of the couch in the living room and brought them to the spot in the family room where Princess ' bed use to be . He has done this four times . He also drug one to the place where her food use to be . It had to be a struggle for him A shooting at a Washington school . My co - workers know that Richard is teaching somewhere up north . Before I even knew about the shooting one of my dear friends came by my classroom and just asked me where Richard was teaching . Just matter of fact . We were chatting and then she told me about the shooting . This was after she knew it wasn 't Richard 's school . We continued to talk and both of us teared up as I told her that if I lost Richard it would be the end of me . I could not go on . My life would definitely end . As we finished our conversation my principal came up to my room too . I just said , " Not Richard 's school . " I knew he was coming to check on me . I 'm very grateful I work in a place with such loving and caring people . It 's hard to believe that this young man would call his friends together to take their lives . No one will ever know what was really going on in his mind and heart . To me it is just a sad situation . I also think parents need to take a more active role in the lives of their children . They need to talk to them about things and how to love and care for people . They need to create a place for their children to come to them with issues . Parents should be the ones that children go to and feel safe sharing their problems with . The fall of the family is really sad and prevalent in this day and age . We live in a selfish world unfortunately . I went to my first of three celebrations of life ( Oct 30th ) for the next three weeks . This one was for a long time family friend . I believe my Dad had met this man ( Skip ) through the gas station business . His wife and my Mom would take us kids camping every summer at Twanoh State park on Hoods Canal . We went every summer for years and years . The Dads , My Dad and Skip , would come out in the evenings after work and then stay on the weekends . We always had so much fun camping . Because of the wonderful memories that I have of camping I started taking my children camping when Richard was just a little guy ( 3 or 4 ) . My kids loved going camping . I went with one So Halloween was a bit slow for trick or treaters but still fun . Our neighbor had an awesome haunted house . Scott and I went through it . It was really scary . Halloween also reminds me of three years ago . We headed out to Houston for some hope for Kathryn . It was our only hope and our only option to extend her life hopefully beyond our own . There we met Rowan and family . Rowan had just turned three and Kathryn was 20 . It was one of those dual times . I mean I am so glad we met Chuck , Rebecca and Rowan and love them dearly but I really wish we didn 't meet them at all . If we didn 't meet them we would have never been in Houston . Kathryn wouldn 't have had that GBM with only a short time to live . We wouldn 't have been searching for hope . Yes , a dual situation as there are many with parents of children with cancer . You want one thing and have another . You are grateful for your doctors but wish you had never been introduced to them . You are happy for treatments and yet they make your child sick . Just as I was happy Kathryn had such great care when she was 8 and yet it killed her in the long run . One good seems to bring bad when it comes to cancer . A 29 year old woman took her life November 1st 2014 because of GBM . How this struck me , as it would have been Rowan 's 6th birthday this same day . This young woman didn 't want to die the way the doctors told her she would die . She was suffering from seizers and she could tell she was getting worse . Watching Kathryn go through one seizer was terrifying . I 'm so thankful we were in the hospital when it happened . I really don 't know what we would have done if she had that seizer here at home . To tell you the truth we probably would have lost her right then and there . We watched Princess go through about a dozen seizers and it was horrifying . We finally let Princess go on October 3rd 2014 . Just in case you don 't know , Princess was Kathryn 's dog . There is a lot of controversy about this young woman taking her own life . For her it was the right thing to do . She didn 't want to put her family through or herself through the suffering that she was told would come . She was going to die . There was no cure and still is no cure . They couldn 't remove the entire tumor and it grew back bigger in just two months . She knew she was on her way out . She was an only child . I feel so deep in pain for her parents . She was just starting her adult life with so much to look forward to . Her parents were probably so excited that she had found a wonderful man to start a family with and to share her love with . They will never have grandchildren . My Dad was a wise man when he told me I had to have at least two children . It 's like he knew or something told him to tell me that . He said you just never know . He was right . I 'm so fortunate to have Richard who I love so dearly . I had a beautiful dream about holding Kathryn in my arms when she was 8 . We were snuggling together on the love seat as we did often at that time in life . She was skinny and bald but the love was there and that was all we needed . Klyde is still dragging pillows and acting weird . He wants so much attention . He even climbed up in bed with me a couple of times in the middle of the night . I started doing homebound tutoring for a student at our school . He has bone and lung cancer . I think having a common bond made his mother trust me . I felt very comfortable with her . The young man and I worked on some things and I left him with homework to do over the weekend . He did it all and his sister even checked over it . I was impressed . ( Monday 11 / 10 ) I was supposed to see him again today but he was not feeling well after going to the clinic . So , I told his Mom I would come by in the morning on the 11th . Yes , it is a holiday and I have the day off but he is eager and I don 't want to leave him waiting . Some people thought this might be hard for me but it has really been good for me . I feel blessed and fortunate to have the life that I have . I feel so very fortunate to have had Kathryn for 21 years that were so good and joyful . This family has so little and now they have a very sick child . We had so many resources and blessings . I feel for his sweet Mom who told me she is just in shock . I gave her a big hug before I left . I went wedding dress shopping with Richard 's fiancé ' , her Mom and a bridesmaid Alyssa on 11 / 8 . I felt very honored to be invited . I love the fact that I have been given consideration and brought in as an important part of the wedding ( even the dress ) . She found one at the first place we went to that she really liked . Then at the second store she found one that she really , really liked . You could see the confusion on her face before she said , " I 'm so confused . " This second dress brought tears to my eyes . I thought she looked so beautiful and like a bride . Of course Katherine would look good and did look good in just about every dress she tried on but this one … Well it was perfect . It was just what she had described to me as the dress she wanted . We will see what she picks . She has time to do more shopping . On Sunday ( 11 / 9 ) While at the celebration of life for my coworker and friend Mr . Cooper I found out that our principal 's son just lost his friend . His friend was stabbed to death at a store . He was a good kid and football player . I think he was about 22 . A random act of violence that took a young man with so much potential . Jeff was pretty upset as he just recently found out and his son was extremely upset . It is heartbreaking . I also think I am figuring out my purpose . Meaning , I 'm not just a Mom as I was before Kathryn passed away . With my experience I can help others and this is where I am turning . We will see where it all leads . So I knew my student with the cancer was going to be in the hospital for three days of chemo ( Nov 17 , 18 and 19 ) . I tried to find him at the hospital but couldn 't . I knew they were there but they did exactly what we did to stop people from just dropping in . They took him off the list . That means that not even the people at the front desk know that he is there . They have absolutely no information . So , I didn 't stop by but instead I went shopping and bought them a gift and decided to drop it off the next day at the clinic . I knew that would be the next place they would be going . I stopped at Fred Meyer and picked up some little things for the family and put them into a cute gift bag . My heart was filled with joy as I found this and that to put into the bag . And on my way out I had and elderly woman behind me who was jumping up and down to get her husbands attention . I noticed that she had only a few items ; two pot pies and one or two other things . She asked her husband if he had any money , as she might be a little short . He joked with her and said , " Why are you asking me for money , ask her . " He was referring to me . So , after I paid for my items I told the girl to ring up the next purchase and I would pay for it . So , she did . The woman was so surprised and shocked . The young girls behind got it . I hope they really did . I mean the give to others deal . As I left the store I felt so good inside . The saying that you get when you give is so very true . I feel so much sadness with Kathryn gone that when I feel this happy after helping others I know it is the right thing to do . Back to the package for my student . I drove to the clinic the next day . It was the first time I have been there since 12 / 23 / 11 . The last time I took Kathryn there . It wasn 't as hard as I thought it would be . I wanted to go into the back and talk to the nurses and doctors but I couldn 't bring myself to do it . I came and left pretty quickly . But I did it without breaking down . This is a step in the right direction . The family was extremely I saw my homebound student last night ( 11 / 24 / 14 ) . He was up and feeling good . It was nice to see him smiling again . Another teacher stopped by with a wonderful gift . This teacher and some of the students have been working hard to raise money to get this young man a laptop . He delivered it last night . Not only did they buy a laptop , but a printer and tons of programs . The smile on my students face got even brighter ! He was so thankful and happy . I 'm glad I was there to see this . I almost started crying . It was very touching . As you celebrate Thanksgiving remember the good things in your life . You have so much to be thankful for . Count your blessings , hug your family members and say thank you and I love you . And if by chance you come across a stranger or know someone who needs some help reach out and be the one who does something . Your heart will be filled with incredible joy and you may even find yourself signing out loud . Dream from Kathryn - In the dream she told me I needed to let her friend from way back know that she died . I know what friend it is but I don 't remember his name . In elementary school somewhere from Kindergarten to 2nd grade her class rode the ferry to Anderson Island . This boy who I 'm supposed to let know of her passing is the son of the captain who piloted the ferry that day . I really don 't know how to get hold of him . His name is … I may have to call one of Kathryn 's old teachers to figure out his name . I want to say Shane or Joey but it 's just not hitting me as the right name . First day of school . Well people have been posting the first day of school pictures of their children . I certainly have a bunch of those photos . We always took pictures of Richard and Kathryn as they headed out . My first day with students ( 9 - 3 - 14 ) and great kids . I shared about Kathryn and when I read that part of the letter you can hear a little noise that sounds like " oh my gosh . " I don 't mean to send fear but I need my students to know my story so they understand who I am and where I come from or even better , where I have been . This is pediatric cancer awareness month . There is so little funding for research for pediatric cancer . Parents of kids with cancer have to learn quickly and learn to trust the wisdom of the doctors yet still have enough knowledge to know when to question the doctors . Sometimes the parents know more about their child and can make a better decision than the doctor . That was our case many times . Siblings have to learn patients and understanding while parents try to deal with this tragic diagnosed . Life becomes hell and yet you find times that are so wonderful and rewarding that would have never come without this disease attacking your family . There is good in every situation if you take a moment to recognize it . On Friday 9 / 5 my friend told me that her cousin ( also a friend of mine ) had just lost her husband . She had gone shopping and when she returned he was sitting in his chair dead . How horrifying . No reason , no illness . She called 911 and the firemen came and pronounced him dead but they couldn 't take his body . She had to wait for the coroner and this took hours . The firemen left and there she was with her dead husbands body . This is exactly why Scott made arrangements for Kathryn the day before she died . He didn 't want her to have to lie there waiting . His Mom laid on the kitchen floor for four hours until they finally took her away . We had a choice of how long we would keep her here . We weren 't waiting on someone else to get to our home . We had all said our good - byes and her little body was getting cold and firm . Her soul had left and it was time . The guys from the funeral home were so gentle and careful . They explained to me that the law requires them to cover her completely when they go out of the house . They warned me as the zipping up of the bag can cause a little distress . I was glad we had the arrangements to ease a horrible and difficult situation . For that I will be forever grateful to Scott and Bee . Yes , Bee went with Scott for moral support . She is a wonderful young woman . On Monday 9 / 8 I walked into my school building and felt a heaviness . As I went into the library for our morning meeting there was a sadness . I could feel it . I even asked one of my collegues , why is everyone so sad . She relied , " There 's some bad news . " Our principal came in and announced that one of our teachers had passed away over the weekend . I was so shocked . I actually shouted something like , No Way . I didn 't think it would affect me like it did . I really had a hard time telling my students . I broke down a couple of times with the kids . My students in my yearbook class want to do a memorial page and we will . Thank goodness we are a family here at Fife . We were the ones that had the police go to his house because we knew something had to be wrong . His only family around is his Mom who is in a care facility . Someone finally tracked down some relatives down south and they will be coming to Washington to make arrangements and deal with his belongings . On Tuesday 9 / 9 I read about a lady who is a 5 + year survivor of GBM . Of course I am happy for her but it brings me back to the question of why Kathryn isn 't one of these survivors . I cried when I was messaging back and fourth with her . We talked about how there is a plan for everyone and how my friend said she had a vision of God telling her Kathryn had a duty and her duty was done . I was pretty upset with all of this talk and the passing of our teacher . On my way up to bed Kathryn gave me that little signal of her being near . The front entry light flickered as Scott and I walked up the stairs . We both said , Thank you Kathryn and good night sweetheart . We know it is her . The light never flickered before her passing and now it flickers on nights that I think of her strongly and am upset . It is like a little reminder , I 'm here Mommy , don 't cry . " A Panda bear showed up in my school mailbox . I sent out a thank you to the staff and asked who gave me that Panda . I thought it was sweet and wanted to be sure to thank the person who gave it to me . No one has come forward . I asked the one person who I thought it might be and said it wasn 't her . So now I think it may be a student . Our mailboxes are open so someone could just drop something in my box . Panda sits on my desk and watches over the kids . Speaking of my students . One of my boys said he might not have his assignment done the next day as he was going to visit his Mom . He told me she is homeless . The next day I asked how it went . He didn 't say too much about his visit . It went ok . I feel so bad for him . He is a great kid . It must be hard to have a Mom who is absent in your life . My Mom was always there . I think she wasn 't home one day when I came home from school . but it wasn 't long before she got home . I read this story a Mom wrote about her son and their cancer experience . Her son passed away . She talked about the dual life . I can 't remember it well enough to share it now but I will find it . It was really good . I could relate to everything she said . Part of it was about the death of her son and wanting him to live but yet glad his suffering was over . The mixed emotions that go with being the parent of a child with cancer . On the second of October my cell phone rang in class . I usually have it off just so this doesn 't happen . I said , " It 's mine but I will ignore it . " One of my students said , " It could be your daughter " . I said , " No it couldn 't because she lives up there now . " The girl next to her said , " You shouldn 't have said that . " The other girl said , " I forgot . " The other girl said , " You don 't for get things like that . " I said , " It 's ok . " I knew she was embarrassed and I didn 't want her to feel bad . After I said it was ok several times she said maybe it is your son . I said , " No , he is doing the same thing as me right now , Teaching math , so he wouldOver the 10th and 11th of October we had the Drive - A - Thon for Camp Goodtimes . The kids all got to ride in different cars at lunch time . The rode in Porsches , Nascars , BMWs , and a Lamborghini . They had so much fun . Even the parents were able to take rides around the track . We had a silent auction too . We raised over $ 40 , 000 . After school I found a quarter on the floor . I happened to have a student in my room and I told her that I found my quarter from Kathryn . I told her about pennies from Heaven . I told her how Scott and I find pennies all the time . Then I told her how my friend said I should ask Kathryn to leave quarters instead of pennies . She laughed when I told her he said I would make more money that way . On the 17th Scott and I were laying in bed and all of a sudden the printer started running and making noise . It was really strange . We both figured it was Kathryn making noise for us to let us know she is around . Of course we were both thinking about her and then the printer starts acting up . It 's the printer we don 't even use . A friend of ours died recently ( October 11th ) . He was stable and then he was gone . The family , his wife and daughters have taken it very hard . My friend Robyn , his niece also took this very hard too . We stopped by to see all of on them on the 18th . They seem to be doing better and over the anger or at least the part of blaming others . It was good to see all of them . We also stopped by and saw an elderly woman ( Erma ) . She will be 90 in April . She lives alone and takes care of herself and her house . She walks to the store . I think she is finally comfortable enough with us to call if she needs something . She just lights up when we stop by . It 's so great to see her happy . The truth is that I have been a bit down . I just haven 't been full of energy . I have a hard time getting going over the weekend . It really stinks . I guess I may be a little depressed . I think about Kathryn and just feel sorry for myself . It took me forever to put up the Halloween decorations this weekend ( Oct 18th and 19th ) . It 's just hard to get started as I would decorate with Kathryn . We loved to decorate together . It 's hard looking at the things we bought together and would put up together and remember the time we shared . It really stinks that she isn 't here to do this with me . It would be ok if she were living somewhere else and I was decorating on my own because just lived somewhere else . But she 's not here and never will be again . We can 't compare decorations or buy them together . Shopping alone is no fun . Decorating alone is not fun either . I keep smelling these smells too . I 'm not sure if it 's from Kathryn or what . It 's the same smell again and again . I just hope it is Kathryn . I 'm always looking for signs and asking for signs . Well , Halloween is up and it looks good ! In May I had a chat with my friend at work and he asked me if I still feel Kathryn . I don 't feel her but I know she is here . I told him about pennies from Heaven and he didn 't know what it was . I told him that we find pennies all the time especially when we are thinking about or missing Kathryn . He said I should ask her to send quarters instead of pennies and I could actually make some money . We laughed about it . Wouldn 't you know that the next day I went into the bank and on the way back to my car there was a shinny new quarter right by the passenger 's door . I couldn 't believe it ! You know , I was the only one in the parking lot so there wasn 't anyone who could have dropped the quarter . And I don 't carry change so it didn 't drop out of a pocket . My friend and I talked for a while . I told him how Kathryn was the silly one in the family . Any of those Christmas cards of silly poses were her idea . She had me paint the one bedroom in polka - dots . I had a formal design in mind but we did polka - dots instead . I also shared the book " Closer Than You Think " with my friend . It is an easy read and a great book about our loved ones being with us in spirit . Shortly after this chat with my friend I was home and feeling a little , maybe a lot , down . I was missing Kathryn and crying . When I got up from the loveseat there was a penny on the floor . No way was it there prior . This blows me away every time . I was also thinking about her and tearing up when the entry way light flickered . I thanked her for that . She gives me signs just at the right time . I was asked about mother 's day by a student and asked if I have a daughter or son or what . This is always a tough question . I had to say I had a daughter and now I only have a son . Explaining my loss is coming place now . Sometimes I do it just fine and other times I tear up . Mother 's day was a good day . Oh how I wish it were complete . I have asked to see Kathryn and maybe I will someday soon . I regularly ask God to let me see her or hear her sweet voice . I was out walking Princess and my neighbor Duane asked me if that was the same dog I have been walking for years . I don 't know this neighbor real well so this was the first time that we really had a long conversation . I told him that yes this is the same dog and how she came to be our dog . I told him about Kathryn 's passing and this led into a conversation about his wife . She died of ALS just before Kathryn was diagnosed in 2010 . We talked about the progression of the disease ( ALS ) and how it was similar to Kathryn 's . We were fortunate that Kathryn did not have a long time of not having abilities to walk and communicate . ALS brings on these disabilities an they linger for years . I think we both felt good about sharing our stories and we both had great losses and we could really understand each other 's suffering . I gave him a big hug ; he really looked like he needed one . I have been looking and looking for the glass babies that Rowan 's Mom sent me . I know I put them safely in a box at Christmas time . But our house was in such mess because of the remodel stuff I was afraid they disappeared . So I finally gave up on my own search and asked Kathryn to help me find the glass babies . Sure enough , I was given the vision of where to look . When I came home from work that day I immediately had Scott get the ladder and I pointed to the box that he needed to take down in the garage . I went through the box and there they were . It 's so fantastic that I can ask Kathryn for help and she responds to me . I love it ! Richard 's grad party was this weekend ( May 17th ) . We had 45 people over . One of Richard 's friends announced that he and his wife are having a baby and the due date is December 1st and they are having a girl . This is so exciting ! We had a beautiful afternoon that went way into the early morning hours . We had a bond fire and fire works . Oh , the Bradley traditions ! We had 9 people spend the night . Richard and I put together a big breakfast . I cried when Richard gave me a great big hug good bye . I haven 't done that for a long time . I just love him so much . Today , May 18th , is one year now for Rowan 's passing . I sent Rebecca a message . Tomorrow they should receive our card and gift . I sure hope their lives change for the better . I hope I hear from them soon that they are expecting a baby . This would be so good for them . A few weeks later I did hear from them and they are expecting a baby . She told me when she was only two weeks along . Then she let me know a few weeks after that they are expecting twins . I had a feeling that they were going to have twins . She a little worried about two at one time but I know they can do it just fine . They are awesome parents . As you have read before the Jahova Witness ladies come to visit with me now and than . I actually love visiting with them even though I am Lutheran . There was a new lady this time . She lost her 28 year old daughter . It was nice to chat with someone who really understood my situation . We ( Scott , Richard , Bee and Myself ) went to the cabin the 31st of May to tear off the deck . Richard told Bee that I would be really mad if she didn 't work hard . The poor dear worked so hard she had blisters on her hands . Richard and Bee did most of the work and fast ! Richard brought his thank you cards with him and I helped him by doing the addresses . It was fun and funny that I had to keep him on track to get them done . He is such a little boy sometimes . So , when we came home from the cabin Princess had a seizer that night . I think this was the first one we had witnessed . She recovered just fine but had another a few days later . Once again she recovered just fine . Very scary ! Have you heard this new story about a 3 year old boy who says he lived before ? He said he was murdered and he took the police to the place where his body was and also led them to his killer . There was a little boy murdered and there was a man now arrested for the murder . Scott and I headed to Monterey California on June 13th for the Porsche Club Parade . We met a lot of good people . Over 1200 Porsches were there . We shared our story about Kathryn and Camp Goodtimes with so many people . One lady lost her first husband at 42 years old to a GBM just like Kathryn . She also lost a sister early in life to cancer . She said her mother never got over this loss . I can tell you that you never do ! We also had Griots Garage offer to donate products to our Drive - A - Thon for the auction . It was 9 days of tours , events , dinners and just good times . Everyone was super nice . One of the tours was to the Hearst Castle . That place is amazing and the story behind it is really something . While we were there a butterfly came up to me and hung out for a while . Longer than a butterfly usually does . I thought it may be a sign from Kathryn but not too sure until later . That story will come . Once we got home form California I was on the 9 : 20 ferry to Vashon Island to go to camp . I volunteered in the Arts and Crafts area all week . I met a young man who went by the camp name ( Bunkbed ) . His story gave me goose bumps . He was diagnosed with a GBM like Kathryn . He is young like Kathryn . When he was diagnosed he was only given 3 months to live . They were expecting him to go fast . His family prayed and prayed and in two weeks his tumor started to shrink . He is now cancer free . I told him he was a walking talking miracle . He truly is a miracle . There is no way to explain how his tumor went away other than it being a miracle . I told him that people wonder if God answers our prayers . I know that it was difficult to believe that God didn 't answer our prayers in the way we would have liked him to . I told Bunkbed that his story shows us that God does answer prayers as we asked for them to be answered ( sometimes ) . Maybe this young man was at this camp this week for me to meet . Maybe I needed to hear this story to strengthen my own faith . I never stopped believing and still do believe that Kathryn could be brought back if it is God 's will . Another young man that was at camp was there because of Kathryn . He had met Kathryn at the clinic and now I 'm wondering which clinic . It may have been up in Bellingham . But Kathryn had told him about camp and he wasn 't able to work it into his life until this year . He wished that he could have been at camp with Kathryn as several of her friends have said . I 'm so glad Kathryn had such a positive influence on people . To have so many at camp that are there because of her is amazing . At camp I was talking with a couple of ladies one evening and I told them it doesn 't get any easier . In fact I told them that it is harder than ever right now . I cried . I don 't know how to explain the emotions that goes with this loss . It 's always there and some days it is so hard to even function . After camp I was in Kathryn 's room ( a hard place to be ) and I noticed this small container with little lanyards in it . I thought , how could I have missed this ? I didn 't know Kathryn had made these . They were made for the staff at the Mary Bridge clinic . I didn 't think she had even started them . I was planning on taking her list and making them myself but there they were . I never saw her make them and I was constantly with her . Any how soon ( by the end of September ) I will take them to the clinic . They do need the hooks put on them . Now some really big news if you don 't already know . On the 4th of July we got a call from Richard and he told us that he proposed to Bee . He is engaged ! ! ! He bought her a beautiful ring with white and blue sapphires . We are extremely happy . But with this wonderful news comes a little sadness . We are a little sad that Kathryn will not be there . She would have loved to be part of Richard 's special day . I know she will be there in spirit . She wouldn 't miss this for anything . Worked at Cabin for a week to rebuild the decks we had torn down ( 7 days of hard labor ) . While there Princess had three seizers in 12 hours between July 12th and 13th . Not the same dog after those , but spurts of the real Princess sometimes show . The vet believes she has a brain tumor . We bought her for Kathryn to help her do better with her treatment when she was 8 . It got her out of the hospital . Kathryn said , " If you didn 't get me Princess I don 't think I would have ever come home . " This was after she spent a week in the hospital after a bad reaction to chemo and radiation . So the dog for the girl with a brain tumor develops her own brain tumor . We finished two decks and replaced beams under the house . Jacking a house up and replacing beams is a big job . We also spread a truck load of gravel and finished burning the old deck as well as building a new fire pit . It all looks good . So I started working on the yard and one day before I headed out I asked for a sign . I asked Kathryn to give me a sign that she was around while I worked in the yard . I said , send a butterfly and have it flutter in my face and around me . Well , there I am in the yard and here comes this white butterfly . It flutters right in my face and around me . Then I said , " That 's not a real butterfly , send one like a Monarch . " Holy Moly ! ! ! A few minutes later there was a beautiful Monarch fluttering in my face and just hanging out with me . I was so excited that I started to laugh and cry all at the same time . I couldn 't wait to tell someone . I called my Mom right away . Just before the second session of camp started one of our campers learned he had relapsed . All he asked for was to be able to go to camp . He relapsed last year and his family found out while he was at camp . This boy has had two bone marrow transplants , a stem cell transplant and t - cell therapy and who knows how many rounds or radiation and doses of chemotherapy . Yet , he keeps a smile on his face and he and his family do not give up hope . Camp does that for kids and parents . I went up to Children 's Hospital to visit with Nick and his Mom . Nick is on his third diagnoses of cancer and his second bone marrow transplant . He will also receive t - cell therapy . Nick was not in a good mood that day . I think he was just sick and tired of being in the hospital . He was on day 40 or 50 something that he 'd been there . . ICK ! His Dad was there too . I looked as his Dad as he sat quietly . I thought about what he might be thinking and feeling . He knows that I represent death to this disease . He looks at me and I can only imaging him thinking , how can she even function . I can see the pain in his eyes . I can see that he fears what I have faced . His son is his buddy and they have a bond that only a Dad has with his boy . As I left that day I also noticed the mom 's there with there own children . The worn out Mom 's . The Mom 's spending every moment with their sick child and creating a bond that is special but not the way you want to create a bond with your child . The Mom 's who have learned so much about cancer and the treatment . The Mom 's who know all of the numbers and what they should be and what is done to fix them when they are out of line . The Mom 's who watch and make sure every dose of medicine is the right dose and given at the right time . And as I was getting in my car I watched this Mom as she pulled her rolling suitcase behind her as she walked toward the entrance of the hospital . It was a very humbling day . I was seeing things from the other side . Princess had 6 seizers in 25 hours over August 5th and 6th . We didn 't think she was going to survive . We have her on anti - seizer medication and then we had to bump it up after this episode . Then we asked about the tremors that she was having constantly . They would make her fall down and also made it hard for her to walk . Scott had called the Vet about putting her to sleep as he quality of life was not what she deserved . So in addition to her seizure meds she was placed on phenobarbital to stop the tremors and it worked . We are giving her half the dose and splitting it up to two times a day and it seems to be giving us back Princess . As we prepared for the Bradley Backyard Benefit ( August 16th ) she was right there all day following us around . This is the normal Princess . And during the event she was her normal snoopy , begging self . She did great . That night she slept like a rock ! We had the Bradley Backyard Benefit ( BBB ) and raised $ 4553 and more on the way . It was on the 16th of August . We had 60 people plus the guys from the band . The music was awesome and everyone had a great time . I had so many people say , " I will see you next year . " So , I guess this will be an annual event . I 'm happy to do it too . One of our friends that attended the ( BBB ) had just come from a funeral . He said he had been crying all day . He and his family had known this young lady since she was 4 or 5 and a long time friend of his son . She died at 18 and they still don 't know why . I told him that the parents need to find something that will keep their daughter 's spirit alive . We support Camp Goodtimes in our effort to keep Kathryn 's spirit alive . It also brings us closer to Richard . He loves camp and wants to see it continue too . So we are all working on it and this helps mend our hearts too . We finally gave Richard his College Graduation present . He was so excited . Scott had bought this 1975 Porsche 914 just 5 days after Kathryn 's passing . He had been trading his electrical work and supplies with two body shops on getting it restored . Slowly but surely and now here it is . He couldn 't believe it when we walked him down a neighbors driveway and he saw it . He could not believe it ! He still has a few little things left to do on it but it gives Richard a project too . He was so surprised and he beamed from ear to ear . What a great addition to the BBB . On my birthday ( August 24th ) we went to Crystal Mountain and road the gondola to the top . It was just the three of us ( Scott , Richard and myself ) . I was a perfect day ! The weather was nice and the food was delicious and the company was wonderful . That evening Scott and I were out walking Princess and there was my gift from Kathryn , a shinny quarter . Princess is doing great . She wasn 't able to eat without falling over or face first into her food . She couldn 't go to the bathroom without falling over . She wouldn 't go on a walk or walk up or down the stairs . She does all of this just fine now . She even runs up the driveway and looks back at us as if to say , " What 's taking you so long ? " She is pretty much normal . We are amazed ! Scott and I both feel there has been some kind of spiritual intervention . We know the vet thought she wouldn 't recover like she has . In fact she was so bad that we were planning on having her put down on the 11th . But then she came a live for the party and has only gotten better and better . Well , life continues . School will be starting on the 3rd . Richard will be teaching full time in Mount Vernon at Mt Baker Middle school . He will be teaching 7th grade math . He is excited about this new adventure . As you may have read our superintendent of the Fife School District passed away from cancer on August 27th . I think most of us new this was coming . He was a good guy and always did his best at every job he had . I had one of his sons in my math class a few years ago . A good kid . His two sons are about Richard 's age or a bit younger . They are going to miss their Dad . I see how Richard and Scott interact now . They are really getting closer . Scott had some troubling times every since Kathryn was diagnosed in 2010 . He has finally overcome these troubles which have allowed him and Richard to develop a better relationship . I makes my heart so happy ! A boy needs his Dad and a Dad needs to feel needed by his son . I feel this is all happening for the two of them I couldn 't be more pleased . LPosted by Heaven is for Real 5 - 4 - 14 I found a resume on my computer at school . This was by chance and it must be a sign . I was thinking about applying for the position of camp director but was a little uneasy about it . I haven 't really applied for a job for over 30 years . I have changed jobs but they were all guarantees . Nerves have helped me make excuses for not putting in an application . I wrote my letters that they asked for but I didn 't put together a resume . I was putting that off because it would take so much time and effort and the closing date is drawing near . But , as I was working on my computer at work and organizing some files I ran across one that said , Carol 's res . I opened it and found this resume all written . I forgot that I had to put one together to teach those night classes through SPU . Is this a sign that I should indeed apply ? Did I find it so I would get going on my application ? Was Kathryn there helping me find it and leading me there ? I did ask her to help me make a decision on whether or not to apply . I guess I got the answer . Kathryn did tell me one time that I lacked confidence . She was right . She had more confidence than anyone I have ever met . She believed in herself and she believed in all of us . She was amazing , strong and confident ! Long Island medium - Sure wish I could find a way to connect with Kathryn . Never ever gets easier ! It just doesn 't . Time does not heal the pain that I feel . I do however stay busy enough to keep my mind preoccupied so I don 't think about my loss all of the time . Kathryn had started an avocado tree as a seed . She had put toothpicks through it and had it suspended in a small bowl of water . It sat in the window for a long time . I thought it would be one of those things that we just discarded after a while , but no ! Scott has been taking care of it with such love . It is now a 5 foot tall tree . What happens when it reaches the ceiling ? It actually has branches too . It is really something else . He started a second one and it is growing too . They are both in KBradley Family It is Easter Sunday 4 / 20 / 14 . Did you know that every 40 minutes a child is diagnosed with cancer ? Scott and I attended the wine auction on April 5th for Camp Goodtimes . It is the biggest fundraiser for camp . $ 191 , 000 was brought in . That is the gross amount and I 'm not sure what the net will be . Many of the people have been coming for years . They truly have a passion for camp . This year was a really big deal since the American Cancer Society dropped funding for all of its pediatric camps . We spent Friday night in Seattle so we could just chill and go to the Washington Athletic Club early on Saturday and help set up . Richard and Bee joined us there too . My friend Julyn and her two beautiful daughters volunteered that night . While we were eating dinner and listening to the speaker Scott had a drip land on his arm . It happened a couple of times . I don 't know where the drip came from or what it was but he said it was a tear from Kathryn . During the speakers there were some slides of Katie . She is a young lady from camp who is terminal . I had to get up and leave . It just hit me wrong and I became very upset . I guess I just can 't stand thinking of another child dying from this shitty disease . The doctor ( Dr . Olson ) who spoke was amazing . I personally went over to him and thanked him for the work he does . He researches other ways to treat cancer like t - cell therapy . He knew Kathryn . He had seen her scans . He actually met her at camp so he knew her as Panda too . Scott and Richard both thanked him on their own as well . I also found out that the Barry 's who I had met at the grapevine earlier had also lost a daughter . She died in an accident . She was about 20 . But as we discussed it , it doesn 't matter how you lose your child it is still a tragedy . And it never goes away . The people I sat next to are from Vashon Island , Doug and Erin . They have the Kayak Center . They have donated time and the use of their Kayaks to camp for a few years now . Doug had a bad form of cancer that affected his tissue . He understands whatDuring my spring break I was working at my Mom 's house . A lady drove by and asked about the house since there was a " for rent or for sale sign " out front . As we talked I must have asked her what she did for work . She was in scrubs . She is a shower lady . The one who comes to your house and gives you a shower by either helping you into the shower or bathes you in bed . I told her that she is doing a wonderful thing . I explained how much we appreciated the shower lady for my Dad and for Kathryn . We talked about how a shower makes you feel so good . I told her about Kathryn taking that first bath after coming home from the ICU and having me shave her legs . How she was in heaven having her legs feel silky smooth and soft again . I also talked to my Mom 's neighbor . She is a very cool lady who helps so many people . She runs a program to help women who get out of prison get back into the real world . They need that you know . You can 't take a person and just throw them out into the world with no connections to find work or a place to stay . I had a nice long talk with her about what I might do with my future . She encouraged me to do something I have been a little unsure of . She said I would be great at it . So , I might just go for it ! I recently had a dream about Richard . He was sobbing and curled up in my dream . He was crying and saying , " Why her ? Why her ? " He was talking about Kathryn . Why did she die ? Why was it her ? He was truly upset in my dream . I hope he is ok . It is hard to tell with some people . You never know the depth of their pain We went to the last camp planning meeting . I had to picked up 30 mailboxes at McClendins . Scott and I took them to the meeting . They are for a project for each cabin . It should be a great week . We are encouraging writing notes to each other and each cabin through the week . As a staff member I will make sure I write to kids that I know are not getting mail and such . Little cards that acknowledge each child . Gypsy also informed me that she sold over $ 250 in Panda t - shirts . I had given her a box of them at the last meeting . Go Gypsy ! April 10th was Scott 's birthday . Richard sent a card that was a reminder of the past . About 10 years ago . It is still funny to this day . He wrote a beautiful message in it about how Kathryn would be proud of the work Scott is doing for camp . It brought tears to both of us . I saw a cute story about a basketball player Adreian Payne and a tiny little girl Princess Lacey Holsworth . I don 't remember how they became friends but this huge black man has this little 8 year old girl as his best friend . She goes to all of his games that she can and he visits her in the hospital . It is an amazing connection . Lacey died on April 8th . Here is the story Lacey died at her home in nearby St . Johns on April 8 . The little girl affectionately known as " Princess Lacey " had neuroblastoma , a nerve - cell cancer . She wore a blond wig because chemotherapy took her hair . Truly an amazing story . While I was working out in my yard a lady came to the bottom of the driveway with a stroller and two small children in it . I started talking to her not realizing at first who she was . She is my neighbor 's mother and the two children are her grandchildren . She was out here from South Carolina watching the grandchildren because her daughter was asked to be in a fitness video . So , she was helping Adam with the kids so he could go to work . As we talked she said something about the little flowers ( primroses ) . She asked if I just planted them . I said I was given them over two years ago by the neighbors when Kathryn died . They aren 't supposed to come back each year but they have . She asked about Kathryn 's cancer . Her Dad died of a GBM just like Kathryn . She also knew of a survivor . He was treated by the same doctor I contacted at Duke University , Dr . Henry Friedman . She said this man lived at Duke for over two years while getting treatment . She said she is still mad at God for taking her Dad and her brother at the age of 15 . She went on the say that there are so many horrible people who get to live and live long . Why , would a beautiful person like her brother , father or Kathryn be taken and those horrible people get to live ? All I could think of is , " This is Hell on Earth . " We have all heard that saying but heaven will be so wonderful . People who are taken early , maybe they are the lucky ones and we are left here living in hell . That 's all I could think of . Kathryn is in a better place . A place of peace , love and happiness . I know I hurt and everyone who misses her hurts but she is safe from pain . I went to a friend 's birthday party at the Swiss in downtown Tacoma . It was a lot of fun . But what was great about it , I saw Cody . Cody was Kathryn 's best friend forever . I haven 't seen him since Kathryn passed . I know it was hard on him and he took a nose dive in the game of life but he seemed happy . It was good to see him and get that great big , tight , long , hug from him . He has avoided our house since Kathryn passed . He was invited to her two birthday celebrations and we thought he was going to make the second one but he just couldn 't do it . There are a lot of memories here in our house for him . So many parties since they were 5 or 6 . So many good times that they had . So many times we told Cody to be quiet and go to sleep . All good memories . But Cody promised to see me this summer and dance with me then . This should be at our house . I also asked my principal how his Mom is doing . She still is not doing well . They do have a therapist coming to the house a couple of times each week . I don 't think she has left the house yet . I offered to talk to her if she would be willing to talk to me . Talking about Kathryn helps me . He said that his Mom will take a step forward and then two steps back . There are those good days and those bad days for me too . Today is a young lady 's birthday ( Sarah ) . She passed away from Ewings Sarcoma not too long before Kathryn passed away . She was a bit younger too . Her Mom has become an internet friend . She made a comment about my work with Camp Goodtimes and how she hopes to be a strong as me someday . I told her to ask her Sarah for help . She will give her strength . I know that Kathryn helps me and gives me strength . I couldn 't do what I do without her help . In Dear Abby today a woman wrote about the month of February . Her mother died in February and her mother 's birthday was also in February . I thought about how I felt in February . Not so good ! But I also have Richard 's birthday in February to cheer me . This woman wrote about how hard mother 's day will be for her without her mother here . Many things are hard but you can 't resent or hold it against others who have what you wish you had . I see Kathryn 's friend 's having boyfriends and getting engaged . I see my friends with grandchildren or doing special things with their daughters . I don 't resent their joy . Richard is so good at recognizing special days for me and sharing his life with me that I don 't feel like I 'm missing anything . Scott is good at making me feel special . I have a wonderful life as it is . I have many special memories of times with Kathryn and I cherish those memories . But I would never resent some ones joy they have that I can 't have because Kathryn is not here . I 'm so lucky to have thoughtful people in my life . And finally , Today is Easter . It is not about the Easter Bunny ! It is about love and forgiveness so we can have eternal life . For that I give thanks . Thanks to Jesus for giving his life so that we could all have eternal life . I will see Kathryn one day again in a wonderful place called heaven . |
This short story set in the Savannah Zombie Novel universe takes place at the same time as the first entry , A New Death . It focuses in on thirteen year old CJ and his family , who appear in A New Darkness . This story bridges books 1 and 2 . I remember eating recently . Something tough shifts between my dry gums . I work my jaw in an effort to free whatever is in my mouth . It touches my cracked tongue . I feel every snapping tendon . Every dry grinding joint . For some reason , I think I should be feeling something , but again , I cannot remember . Some kind of bodily warning that I am harming myself , some indicator of distress . The HUNGER does not take long to remind me of the emptiness in my stomach . As if I forgot . I look down and notice a gaping hole in my abdomen . Something long and slippery sways from the opening . It reminds me of I try to get up and leave again , but quickly he is on top of me . His fists begin to pummel my face . I hear the skull fragmenting inside my head . Bone splinters , my already piss - poor vision becoming blurrier . He stops and backs off , clutching at his side . He yells in pain and his muscles begin to bulge through his orange jumpsuit . The fabric begins to tear as his flesh contorts . His eyes blaze red . First , A New Darkness releases on Kindle this Saturday ! You can still pre - order it and save 33 % on this weekend 's price and 66 % on list price . If you haven 't yet , go and get it here . Maybe you 're like , " I still haven 't read A New Death yet . " Well , good for you , A New Death is on sale until Saturday ! Get it for $ 1 . 99 here ! Or maybe you like paper . ( Who doesn 't ? Books smell amazing . ) Well , good news for you , I 've made some updates to the paperback version of A New Death and started work on the A New Darkness paperback this week . So both of those will be live in the next couple of weeks . It 's called Thunderclap . Thunderclap works like this : You go and hook up your social media ( Facebook , Twitter , and Tumblr ) to my Thunderclap promotion . Then on Saturday at noon , Thunderclap will blast out a message featuring my book and link through all of our social media accounts . Pretty cool , right ? The only catch is I have to get full support or else the message won 't go out . As of right now , I 'm at 14 out of 100 supporters . With only 14 people signed on , it already has a reach of 4313 people . Can you imagine if we get all 100 ? I 've done this before and have never received any junk mail from it , or any emails afterwards . It 's an extremely easy way to help support me . All you have to do is give up one tweet or status update on Saturday . The wood crackled and shifted in the brick fireplace . Lexx leaned forward and placed another log into the slowly dying fire . It quickly caught flame and the fire grew . Before reclining back into his spot against the couch , he pulled a small sliver from the fire and held the burning tip to his newly found cigar . He puffed patiently , allowing the tobacco to light . A sweet smelling smoke filled the room , but no one seemed to mind . The man grinned his boyish - grin and sat back into his spot next to Tori on the carpet . Josh lay adjacent to them in the love seat ; his feet pointed towards the warmth of the fireplace . His eyes were shut , most likely resting , not sleeping . Every now and again , his toes would wiggle , almost to acknowledge he was still awake . Everyone was exhausted . It could be seen on each one of their faces . The events of the past few days had been physically wearing , and just as emotionally tiresome . After leaving Savannah and the trials that they faced there , the road to Josh 's family did not seem any easier . Three times already they have had to find an alternate route due to road blocks . Once , they actually found themselves on I - 16 which should have been clogged with fleeing traffic , but due to a massive pile - up , was mostly empty past Effingham County . And then there were the dead . Their numbers weren 't swollen like in the city , but the small groups that banded together out in the country could be just as frustrating . They did seem to group together . Josh was convinced that the undead didn 't " communicate " in a normal sense , but when one moaned , the others heard it and moved in that direction . He was afraid of them grouping in large numbers , like at the grocery store and the day he rescued the others . But despite all this , despite that they were probably still a day 's journey from his family , everyone was in good spirits . The house they were currently in was a God - send . It was tucked out of the way , away from the roads and neighboring homes . And best of all , it was left almost entirely intact . Whoever lived here , left everything and split . There was the possibility that they never came home , but no one ever brought that up . Jeremy tried not to think about Ben , to which he immediately felt somewhat guilty for trying to do . He did want to remember him , but it was still hard . The two men had formed a friendship against the backdrop of the end of the world . Jeremy was just glad that the Lumberjack got what he deserved for killing Ben . " So , Josh , " Lexx started . " I still haven 't heard how you ended up being in the right place at the right time . I didn 't have the pleasure of riding in the cab of the truck . " " Yeah , that 's fine , I guess . Not like we 'll be sleeping much anyway , " he said , playfully elbowing Tori in her ribs . She pushed him away , but couldn 't hide the small smile on her face . Everyone settled down . Tori and Lexx moved from the floor to the couch ; Jeremy brought the seat up , but left the footrest out for optimal foot warming from the fire . Lexx reached over , grabbed the blanket sitting on the arm of the couch and then to proceeded to cover himself and Tori . She snuggled into his side . " Work sent me down to Brunswick late in the afternoon last Thursday . We were finishing a job down there , a high school , and had to get a whole bunch of our ladders and tools out of the building . It was this whole last minute " fiasco " ( he uses " air - quotes " ) , and the stuff had to be out of the school by that night . So , I got the pleasure of driving south and picking everything up . I left our shop - Can I just say something real quick ? I think it 's crazy how the warehouse that y ' all met in and spent your first night together , is the same place I work . I mean , what are those odds ? That you would stay there and then later , when all hope seems lost , who shows up ? Just a guy driving a truck from the same exact place ! Anyways , just thought I 'd say that . So , I left the shop sometime around two , I think ? Yeah , it was around two , because I remember thinking about how Brunswick is an hour away , and that meant two hours of travel time and however long it would take to load everything on the truck . And it was so hot that day . So freaking hot . I get down to the job site around three . Everything was still normal then . A couple of the guys met me outside the school and informed me that they were still hunting down ladders within the building . Tools have a great way of disappearing on construction sites , but I digress . It takes us an hour to track down the last five remaining ladders . The school was massive , this two - story deal , with a huge courtyard in the middle of it . Everything there was state of the art . Real top - notch kind of place . Kids would have been lucky to have gone there if they ever got the chance . But now they won 't . At least for now . I was fixing to crank up the truck and leave , when we heard the first of the screams . They came from the front side of the building . The three of us ran towards the commotion ; I left the keys dangling in the ignition . I quickly passed both of them . Both were chain - smokers and both were having trouble catching their breath . What they were about to see , would not help . I got there first and knew instantly what was going on . When I saw the four bodies hunched over the kicking and screaming man , I knew exactly what I was looking at . There was no question in my mind . But , even though I knew what was happening , my body wouldn 't react . I remember standing there , frozen to the ground ; my brain racing to process this new information . I screamed within my skull , yelling at myself to move , to act somehow . Johnny and Larry finally arrived next to me . Johnny was keeled over , trying to catch his breath . I seemed to snap out of my daze when they showed up . Larry 's jaw hung open . He went to move forward , to try and help the attacked man , but I held him back . There was nothing we could do for him now . I 'll spare you the details , because I 'm sure you 're aware of the gore these monsters are capable of inflicting . Even if we did get him away from the feeding , there was no way the three of us blue - collar boys would know how to put everything back in him , in the right places . The four zombies were a mixed bag of characters . One construction worker , complete with reflective vest and hardhat . One college kid from the neighboring local university across the street . A guy in business suit and one soccer mom . Of the four , she looked the most fresh , but I would still have classified them as the ' slower ' ones . She noticed us first . Forgetting about the meal in front of her , she slowly stood up , meat hanging from her mouth , and began shambling in our direction . I think my co - workers were still confused at the time as to what was really going on . Larry moved forward again , and for the second time , I held him back . ' There 's nothing we can do for her now , Larry , ' I said . ' We have to go . It 's not safe to stay here . ' He looked at me like I was insane . His shoulder jerked out of my hand as he made his way towards the dead woman . Her arms reached out to him , welcoming his approach . I motioned to Johnny for us to leave . He hesitated a moment , but nodded , and we turned to run . I looked around . More corpses were wandering onto the jobsite . How there were that many , so quick , I don 't understand . It was almost like a switch was flipped and they came off an assembly line . We made the plan to go to his house first . He lived right outside of Brunswick , so it wasn 't far . I knew I had to get to my family back in Savannah , but between my brother - in - law and father - in - law , I knew they would get out of the city safely . My plan was to get Johnny set at his place and then go north from there . At the time , I didn 't know it would take me several days to get back home . I spent that first night at Johnny 's place , helping him set up some defenses . His plan was to hunker down and ride this thing out . And for him that was a great plan . He had mountains of those military meal - ready - to - eat 's , guns galore , and a great location . His home was situated deep within the woods and far enough away from the general population . In the whole time I 've known Johnny , I never would have known he was a doomsday prepper . I left early that next morning . He offered for me to take some MRE 's for the road , so I took several . Those things are definitely designed for essential nutrition , not taste ! ( He chuckles to himself . ) The military 's take on mashed potatoes was indeed questionable . I thanked him and wished him luck before I drove off . Interstate 95 was out of the question . From the exit ramp , I could see it was completely clogged with cars and chaos . I knew I would be taking back roads , but which ones I was unsure . Normally , I would carry a map of Georgia with me . Despite my driving all over the state for my company , they seemed to think that directions scribbled down on a yellow piece of paper were far more superior to a GPS system . I got lost one time too many , so I finally broke down and bought a good old - fashioned folding map . Never got lost again . Highway 17 would have been my next best choice of getting home as quickly as possible . And it would have been , if I didn 't keep running into roadblocks of all freaking kinds . Car wrecks were the worst . Some I was able to get by , thanks to the new brush - guard my company bought for the truck . Others on the other hand required some extensive backtracking and huge losses of time . I eventually had to stop for the night . I didn 't want to risk anything in the dark . Being out in the country , the only light I had was the moon , the stars , and the headlights of the truck . Long story short , I found an old , abandoned barn to sleep in . I didn 't want to sleep in the truck , running the chance of getting surrounded and trapped . My cell phone didn 't have any reception , and I don 't think it was because I was in the middle of nowhere . I had the sneaky suspicion that no cell phones had reception . Anywhere . The next morning , I woke up and made my way down to the truck . I was stopped when I saw one lone zombie wandering between the truck and myself . It was a little boy , maybe ten years old . He wore a Buzz Lightyear t - shirt and stained matching pajama pants . His skin was their trademark pale , his eyes sunken and dark . Small bits of blood gathered around his lips . I wished Johnny would have offered me one of his guns , a pistol at least , but the only thing I had for a weapon was the steel pipe I kept on the truck . It was about a foot and a half long , with a ninety - degree elbow on the end . I kept it on the truck , just in case I ever got into any trouble and needed some physical reinforcement . The boy saw me and began to shamble in my direction . Zombie children are not really something you see a lot of in zombie video games or movies . And I understand why now . His gait was uneven as he hobbled over to me , his little jaw clamping open and shut . He held up his arms , fingers curled , reaching for me . I knew what I had to do ; I just didn 't want to . I swung the pipe , the steel elbow connecting with the boy 's temple . His skull quickly shattered and his body fell limp onto the ground in front of me , thick , red blood oozing from the gaping wound in his head . I stood there in silence for a moment , not sure what to do with myself . The boy was in between the ages of my niece and nephew . My desire to get home grew exponentially . I would pull into the Savannah area later that night . My wife 's sister and her family lived outside of Savannah in Port Wentworth . It took some time avoiding the city , but I finally made it to their house around ten . The place was a mess when I got there . A pile of bodies in the living room , the front door broken in , everything missing from the cabinets , and a trail of blood leading away from the pantry to outside . At first , I was really worried , but quickly relaxed a little . All the food was missing . It took me a minute to realize that meant they were alive . Scavengers wouldn 't have taken everything . Pots , pans , and all the other cooking utensils were gone too . No , my family made it out alive . I was still concerned with all the blood though . Obviously , the bodies in the living room were zombies who had broken in the front door . As I pulled them back outside , I took note of the bullet holes in each one 's forehead . No doubt , my brother - in - law 's doing . The last one I went to pull out didn 't have a bullet wound in the head , no , its face was smashed in completely . I spent some time securing the front and back doors as best as I could , before I walked around and inspected the house . Like I said , the kitchen was empty . I guess they didn 't think I 'd want a snack . Luckily , I still had one MRE left . After finishing that off , I went to check the rest of the house . The master bedroom was a mess , but to be honest , that was somewhat normal . I walked into the adjoining bathroom . " " There was a note written to me on the mirror . It was written by my wife informing me that they were gone to the cabin . The cabin is an old farmhouse that we restored out past Statesboro . It 's our little vacation spot . I had feeling they would be there , but knew I should check Savannah first before heading out west , just in case they didn 't make it out . But seeing her handwriting on the mirror was just further evidence that they had escaped . She also left me the combination to the gun safe as well . I was relieved that although they didn 't leave me anything to eat , they had at least thought to leave me a weapon . Upon opening the safe , I found out that wasn 't entirely the case . Sitting inside the safe was a single six - shot , snub - nosed revolver . And one bullet . One . A note written on a post - it , in my brother - in - law 's handwriting , read , ' just in case . ' Just in case ? It took me a second to understand what it meant . It was a way out . Not that I would use it now , but if I ever got trapped and the only way out was to become a walking corpse , this would give me an alternative . It made me smile , because they knew that I would make it to them alive . They knew there was no way I would let it come to that . And they were right . I woke up the next morning ready to get to my family . As I passed my niece and nephew 's bedrooms upstairs , I stopped and remembered the two of them and how much they meant to me and my wife . We loved those kids like our own . CJ was thirteen now and just growing into this awesome guy . He was huge for his age , as tall as me and his father , maybe even taller . The boy was solid too . He had played football since me and his aunt started dating . But the kid had character too . He was light years ahead of his friends in maturity . He was respectful and a hard worker . While most kids his age were playing video games , he was restoring a Chevrolet Chevelle with his father so he would have a car when he was sixteen . Crazy , right ? You know what I was doing at thirteen ? Trying to figure out how to catch all the Pokémon ! " " Hailey , " Josh continued . " Hailey was just as much fun . She was eight going on nine and talked nonstop . She had grown into that age where everything she thought , was also broadcasted to the world . It could grow old real quick , but I would have given anything then to hear her little voice . As I took one final look at her room , before passing on , I noticed that all her stuffed animals were still sitting on her bed . I guess Chris didn 't let her take any , to save room in the vehicles for important things . I walked into her room and grabbed the green frog I had seen her with numerous times . I smiled and went downstairs . After retrieving the revolver from the gun safe , I had left it there the night before ; I made my way to the back door . The blood leading out from the pantry began to worry me . Why would there have been a bloody something in the pantry ? It was empty now , so whatever it was , was long gone . I shook it off and readied myself for what could be waiting for me outside . I opened the back door and there were three zombies in between me and the truck . Two of them I didn 't recognize , but one I did . It was Susan Powers , whom the kids lovingly called , " Ms . P . " She was missing chunks of flesh from her right arm and neck . She was wearing a half - open bathrobe and pink house slippers . Her eyes were the same dead black just like all the others , any trace of who the woman was before long gone . The three of them smelled me and fumbled their way up the steep driveway . I clutched the steel pipe tightly as I ran towards them . I swung the pipe connecting with the first one 's forehead , a mist of red spraying me in the face . I pulled the elbow out of its skull and swung again , bringing the pipe across the second one 's face . It too caved in , leaving me and Ms . P . She wasn 't the least bit concerned with her fallen friends ' demises , but continued her small uncoordinated steps towards me . No remorse , no concern except to feed . I put her down quickly as well . More dead were coming into the neighborhood , so I made haste to get into the truck and leave . I pulled out of there quick , as the mass of undead inhabitants poured in . I wasn 't sure if they smelled my fresh meat , or maybe it was the sound of the truck , but they were coming from all over . " I stopped and … and there she was . She was standing there in the middle of the road , almost as if she was blocking me in . It didn 't take long for me to notice who the short , little , blonde haired , once blue eyed girl was who stood out in front of me . Except her eyes were no longer the vivid blue , but black as starless night . Near her ankle were the remains of dried blood . In the hand of her slack left arm a pink teddy bear was still grasped . I remember getting out of the still running truck and walking up to her . She let out a small moan as I neared ; my hands trembling . I had left the pipe on the seat of the truck . What was I to do ? The fact that she was standing there in front of me , dead , well , all the hope I had of finding my family alive vanished . Her one free arm reached out for her uncle and it took everything in me not to reach out and pull her in and whisper that everything was going to be okay . " I was sitting in the truck after that when your voice came on the radio . You sounded so scared and like you had no way out . I 'm not sure why , but I knew I had to help you . " As Jeremy lay in the bed , staring up in the ceiling , his mind wandered in thought . He felt sorry for Josh and the loss of his niece . He knew what it was like to lose someone close . His mother had at least lived a full life . An eight - year - old girl on the other hand , that was a hard thing to accept . Traffic was at a standstill . It had been thirty minutes since James Brighton and his car had moved forward an inch . In the Georgia heat and humidity , thirty minutes was forever , especially if you do not have air - conditioning . Sitting high above the Savannah River on the Talmadge Bridge , James wiped sweat from his face and fanned himself with an old catalog that never made it inside from the mailbox . His small , four - doored compact was full of his belongings . His trunk was stuffed with suitcases filled with his clothes ; his TV and other electronics filled the backseat along with anything else he grabbed in his rush to leave the house . He should have . His brother called him before everything even happened . Tried to warn him to get the hell out of the city , but just like always , he ignored his older brother 's sound advice . He had laughed it off at the time . The dead walking and eating the flesh of the living ? Strange government orders ? Please , James had said , that was movie stuff . The dead were walking , and they were in fact eating the flesh of the living . James had seen it himself . There was a septuagenarian woman living in the apartment next to him . She could not even hear her own TV and blared the volume throughout the night , but she always complained to the super anytime James had a few friends over . She was the first one that James saw turn . How sad , James had thought at the time . Alzheimer 's must be kicking in . Maybe even Dementia . But it was not Alzheimer 's . Or Dementia . It was something else . Something that made the old woman attack James with an unnatural strength and try to tear the skin from his bones . He grimaced . He could not forget the sickening crack of skull and the slosh of brain matter from when he was forced to bash her head against his doorknob . He closed his eyes and placed his head in his hands , his forehead slick with perspiration . He should have listened to his big brother . Okay , maybe not perfect , but definitely their father 's idea of perfect . John had been the Boy Scout , the war hero , the family man . Basically , everything that James was not . While John was a respectable fighter pilot for the Marines , James worked at Home Depot . Nothing wrong with working at Home Depot , but when stacked against his brother 's list of accomplishments , James always fell short . What made it unbearable was that John never gloated in it . He had been the perfect big brother . John never picked on James growing up , always looked out for his younger brother , and even lent him money when James needed it . James was on the uphill climb of the bridge , and from where he was sitting , he couldn 't see what the holdup was . This particular stretch of road between Georgia and South Carolina was notorious for horrible back - ups . With the sudden exodus from Savannah , it was much worse . Looking out to his right , over the Savannah Riverfront , he saw two small dots appear just above the horizon . They increased in size as they drew closer ; their shapes began to grow more familiar to James . Soon enough , the sound that followed them arrived , a roar of engines and wind . The thought of the military bombing the city was ridiculous . Sure , when he had passed through the city , he saw plenty of the monsters attacking people , but there were still people fighting back and numerous others still alive . The city was not completely overrun yet . It would be complete overkill to level Savannah . The pair of jets flew over the bridge . They were low enough to where you could see the markings on the side . It could have been his imagination , but James swore he saw his brother 's call sign on one of the jets . They passed over and then shot up into the sky . James heard screaming come from the Savannah bound lanes . He looked over to see , about fifty feet away , a monster attacking its family inside a car . It was held back by its seat belt , but was able to grab a hold of the person next to them . Blood pulsed onto the window , covering the carnage behind it . The people in the cars nearby began to panic . Multiple drivers began to try and push themselves away from the blood - soaked vehicle . This only caused the cars to become more gridlocked . Finally , a large black man , the size of a football player , got out of his truck . In his hand was a rather large hammer . He went over to the monster 's vehicle , opened the door , and began swinging the hammer into the creature 's head . After several swings , the thing 's body went still . The man looked at the remaining family , nodded , and then returned to his vehicle . Like James had told his brother over the phone , this was all movie stuff . Fictional . Make - believe . However , reality made a hard argument that the events starting yesterday were very , very real . As if to punctuate his thoughts on reality , he saw movement out of the corner of his eye . In front of him , the bridge erupted into flame and debris . The suspension cables groaned and snapped as the bridge twisted from the explosion . James shielded his eyes from the heat blast . He could barely see through the thick black smoke and fire , but he heard screaming . It took him a moment to realize it was his own . The car in front of him slammed into him in reverse , pushing him back into another car . He tried stomping down on the brakes , but the car kept pushing . When the cars behind them would move no more , the driver got out and began running away from the blast . Others did the same . James got out of his car and ran . Others bumped into him as they all ran for safety . There was a loud crack as one of the suspension cables broke loose and landed on a row of cars , crushing them and their inhabitants . James picked up speed . He ran several feet until a large weight crashed into him . It sent him flying into a minivan , and he hit the ground with a thud . The weight was quickly on top of him . There was a sharp pain in his stomach as he opened his eyes . The weight was humanoid , but it wasn 't human . It couldn 't be . Its eyes were as black as tar , bloodshot . Its open mouth revealed rows of broken , jagged teeth . Rich , red blood hemorrhaged from the cracks of its eyes , nostrils , and the corners of its lips . It wasn 't wearing a shirt , but James could not distinguish its gender . Its chest looked to be torn off ; the beginnings of rib cage poking through . He coughed , blood spurting from his mouth . He felt his body go into shock . He did not feel the pain , only the wiggling of fingers inside him . James watched as the monster pulled out several feet of intestine and shoved them into its mouth . It chewed , bile and fluids dripping down its chin . It could have been his imagination again , or maybe the loss of blood , but James could have sworn it grinned as it ate . Here is Xavier 's take on the chase scene through Savannah 's Forsyth Park . He did a great job of showing the overhanging Oak branches and the beautiful fountain located in the historic park . Anyone who read A New Death will remember this scene and what happened next ! |
pussyhasfurballs / 1 March 2014 A family friend , Paul , a guy I practically grew up with , recently said : " I 'm not scared of death . I love death . I 'm fascinated by it … " he trailed off , probably because I was giving him a funny look . I thought he sounded morbid , he sounded pretentious and most of all , he sounded like he was trying too hard , like he was scared but pretending not to be . Growing up , probably just like any child , I was terrified of death . Not so much my own , but my mother 's . The idea of her no longer being there scared me . The fear grew to a paranoia , that even every day activities would get her killed - like going shopping and getting hit by a car , being in a car crash … anything unpredictable . I remember I would go with her wherever she needed to go , as though I were lucky and that my presence would protect her . I don 't know when it started but I remember one night there was something like a meteor shower , or maybe a planet was in view that usually wasn 't , or maybe something else to do with stars and space . Mum woke my brother and I up at something like 1am , bundled us up and took us for a drive so that we could see it better . I don 't remember seeing anything , but I do remember suddenly becoming terrified that there was nothing to stop us from having an accident . It was pitch black outside , the only light was the headlights on the road , there was no other traffic . I don 't know how old I was - probably under ten - and the fear made me freeze in panic . Of course nothing happened , and Mum 's driving wasn 't that bad , so we got home in one piece . I don 't know if this kind of fear is normal , but it mellowed as I grew older . When I was in my late teens , Mum was diagnosed with COPD and I think that helped in an odd way . The unimaginable had happened and you find a way to cope and it becomes part of life . Since she was diagnosed I 've had to call an Ambulance countless number of times and one time , only three or four years ago she was hospitalised in ICU . But she 's still alive , she no longer smokes and not every day is a bad day . Sometimes not every week is a bad week . My dad on the other hand … he was always healthy . He quit smoking in the 70s , his biggest problem was his obesity , but he aged well . My relationship with him was rocky - we barely saw him growing up , maybe three or four times of year . I never questioned it as I was growing up , but when I got older I realised that he chose his job over his children . He retired , lost weight and managed to keep it off , he was active going bike riding and walking . He was always out doing something or seeing someone . He loved photography and was always somewhere taking photos and every now and then he had clients . When I was 22 I got my license so I was able to visit him more often . At the most a couple of times a year . His flat was always crammed with photography equipment and his photography covered almost all of the walls . Our relationship was still rocky and he talked all the time so I often got irritated and left early . Sometimes I would regret visiting - he had always been sexist , misogynistic and he believed I was still fourteen and still careless and angry . Those weekends I would get home just as angry and frustrated as my fourteen year old self had been , except with more of an ability to control my feelings . But some weekends were good . We got along well and I could ignore his sexist remarks and his assumptions that I was still fourteen and couldn 't do anything adequately ( for example instructing me on how to open a draw carefully instead of just yanking it out so that it fell on the floor . ) We would go out to lunch and chat and sometimes we would go on photography excursions to the beach or fields . He had a barbeque on his tiny balcony and he continually talked about having his friends and I over for a barbeque one day . Whenever we went into town we usually ended up running into one or two of his friends , he seemed to know everyone in town . In May 2011 I had a very long , detailed dream . In the last part of the dream there was a middle aged woman who was looking after an elderly man and woman . The elderly man was in a wheelchair . I assumed they were her grandparents . They were in a spaceship which was docked in a loading bay . The spaceship was an old model cargo ship that had been decommissioned . This is what I wrote after having the dream : Growing fast along the walls of the carrier was green , succulent looking ivy , winding its way along the walls at alarming speed . It seemed that it was only growing in the carrier because the cockpit and loading bay were untouched . As she looked at the loading bay , it seemed like it was so far away , in its own world from the gently rocking ship , the water around it ebbing slowly , changing colours in the rays of sunlight . It was a haunting effect and the woman felt so tired , but not a natural tired . She felt like she 'd been drugged . It was a sinister feeling . She went back to watching the ivy as it continued to grow . She watched as it reached her grandfather and suddenly he cried out , a terrified cry of confusion and fear and with a distant kind of horror , the woman realised that the ivy was not only growing around him , but also through him as though he wasn 't even there . He was staring down at a curling strand of ivy growing through his chest , his mouth gaping open in silent horror . Yet the woman couldn 't even react . It was like she didn 't know that her grandfather was family - it was like he wasn 't even there anymore . All she could see was the ivy , the way it was growing was like it was a hypnotising , calm dance . About a year after having the dream and only a few months after the interpretation , I was at my dad 's place . I hadn 't seen him for almost a year . It was just another normal visit except he casually told me that he 'd had a mole on his leg checked out and they 'd discovered it was a melanoma . He told me that he 'd had it for years , but had been told it was nothing to worry about . It was only diagnosed this time because he 'd had to see another doctor . He 'd never told me about the mole before and he acted so casually about it after telling me , that I believed that it wasn 't anything to worry about . They 'd cut it out and everything would be fine . We talked about how he 'd gotten it . He 'd always worn long pants , his legs had almost never seen the light of day . Then he reminded of the time I was fourteen , when I 'd kicked him . We 'd had a fight about something and he lost his patience with me and went to hit me with his belt . I 'd never been belted before , usually he would hit me so hard in the ear that I would get dizzy . I remember feeling scared and then angry , I suddenly didn 't understand why I shouldn 't protect myself . I kicked him in the leg and ran into my room and hid in the wardrobe and after that , he didn 't try to hit or belt me again . But I remember that he disappeared for hours after and when he came back , I discovered that he 'd been to the hospital because he had blood circulation problems and he was worried about his leg . I was incredulous . " Are you kidding ? Kicking someone can 't cause melanomas ! Also I 'm 25 , I learnt about consequences a long time ago . I don 't need this as a lesson . Who 's your friend ? " He wouldn 't say and I remember feeling horrified that anyone could think of blaming this on someone . But I also remember feeling hurt and doubtful . Was it possible ? I knew it wasn 't , but I couldn 't help feeling the doubt anyway . It wasn 't until a year later that I realised that his melanoma was on his right leg . I was right handed , when I kicked him , I would have kicked with my right leg , which would mean that I would have kicked him in the left leg . I never pointed this out to him and I remember Mum being indignant that I was still thinking about it . After the diagnosis , the melanoma was removed . I drove two hours to pick him up and then two hours back again to go to the melanoma clinic . On the drive back to his place he admitted to me that he never regretted working so much and not seeing my brother and I . He told me that he 'd loved his job and that even if he could go back and do it all again , he wouldn 't . He said that it was good the couple of times that he saw us , but we all needed to have our own lives and he was happy with the way we 'd turned out , he 'd been happy not being a father . It was the shortest two hour drive ever , we spent the entire time arguing . He wouldn 't apologise for never being there because he didn 't see it as something he should apologise for . When I got home , I discovered a message from him . He 'd " accidentally " left his wallet in my car . I knew he hadn 't forgotten it , I 'd given it to him . He must have put it back in just so he could see me again . My bestfriend Tara and her two year old were living with me at the time , so we went back the next day . I was so angry with him , I stayed in the kitchen making cups of coffee and barely said anything and let Tara do all the talking . We didn 't stay long . I couldn 't come to terms with the fact that he 'd told me he 'd been happier with his job than with being a father . It was another six months before I saw him again . The melanoma had come back more aggressively , but instead of just one , there was now six . He had to go back to the melanoma clinic to remove them again . Another six months and there were sixteen all in the same spot . He had them cut out again , but for the last time . The next time more appeared in the same spot , they said they couldn 't keep cutting otherwise there wouldn 't be any leg left . They said that with how aggressive the melanomas were , they were surprised he was still alive . " I know why I 'm still alive , " he said to me later . " I 've taken vitamin C every day for the last thirty years . But they 're stumped because they 're stupid and don 't realise how effective it is . Why should I tell them ? This is the first time I 've been sick in thirty years . " This was May last year . A few weeks after coming home he called me to come over to talk , which he 'd never said before . He never pestered me for visits , he believed that we should have our own lives and visited when we wanted , not when he asked . I went over and he was depressed and crying . The chemo hadn 't worked , he now had forty in the same spot and they were no longer staying in the same spot , either . There were more around his leg , and one in the lymph node behind his knee . He was in incredible pain through his body , but he said that his leg was pain free . A nurse came to change his dressing every day and I saw his leg . The melanomas were this large , gelatinous growth taking up all of his lower leg . It looked like something an alien could burst out of . The growth was white with congealed blood and at one point my dad looked at me and said " if it 's supposed to be dead now , then why is it still bleeding ? " Then he told me that he wanted me to start taking things I wanted from his flat . He said that he owed money for taxes and he wanted us to take what we could so that it wasn 't all sold off once he died . I refused . I told him that I would visit him every weekend anyway , just to keep him company . It was the first time I 'd ever seen him cry and despite our rough history , he was still my father and I didn 't want to see him like this . One day I went over there to help him out before he had to go to hospital again . After he 'd gone , I cleaned his kitchen - it was usually cluttered because it was tiny , but now there was half eaten food and dirty plates lying everywhere . He was losing his taste for eating because of all the medications he was on . His attitude had changed so much that I was scared he would kill himself . I thought of all the medication he had and realised I didn 't know what he was most likely to overdose on so I called someone I knew in the medical field and for the first time started crying . Something I learnt was that no matter how scared I was that my father would kill himself , in the end it wasn 't my decision . I didn 't have to live with pain every single day . I would rather he do what he felt was right , then suffer . The next time I was over there I asked how his latest diet was going . He was always trying some sort of fad diet . There was always something he wasn 't eating - for years it was butter , then potatoes . We were cooking dinner and I was surprised that he was having potatoes too . " What 's the point ? " He asked . " You can do something for years and then it turns out that it never mattered anyway . I still have cancer . Not eating pork wasn 't going to stop that . " Yet another time we went to his best friends house for dinner . She 's the one I grew up with , the one with the son who I hadn 't seen for fifteen years . It was her grand daughter 's birthday and we were sitting outside around the table . In the past , my dad was always the talkative one . It saddened me to see the difference . He barely said anything . He sat at the table quietly and when he did talk , it was about his melanomas . It was like he didn 't know anything else , that everything he 'd done in the past counted for nothing now . He was barely doing photography anymore , he just wasn 't interested . We were eating and joking and then his best friends daughter looked at me pointedly and nodded at my dad . He 'd fallen asleep at the table , his eyes rolled back . Everyone looked at me , I didn 't know what to do , I just felt incredibly sad and helpless . I drove him home not long after that . Over the next few months things changed . He was losing his balance every day and needed a walking stick to get around . He moved into a nursing home and later I found out from his best friend that he kept on getting confused and taking all his tablets at once , and then falling over . One time I went over there and there was a pool of congealed blood on the bathroom floor . I asked him if the axe murderer was still in the house . It had been there for two days and he had tried to clean it up , but couldn 't . The toilet paper he 'd used to try and clean it up was stuck to the floor and was harder to clean than the blood . But things got better at the nursing home . He had people to monitor him every day . He hated it there , but he seemed to cheer up . When I visited we would go out for lunch , although he barely ate . He began using a walking frame to get around . I asked him if the melanomas had spread further , but he wouldn 't tell me . I thought he knew , but he wasn 't saying anything . The last time I saw him up was a few days after Christmas 2013 . I went over and he was sitting in his chair in the room . He didn 't have the energy to go out like we usually did so we sat in his room and talked . He 'd lost a lot of weight and now survived mostly on energy shakes . He just couldn 't eat , the medication had changed his tastebuds and nothing tasted good . He had to force himself to drink the energy shakes , but he was still forever on the look out for food he could handle . Every time I visited , he sent me to the supermarket on a mission to find something new that he hadn 't tried before . His drawers and bar fridge were full of half eaten or unopened packets of food . Before I left , he asked his physiotherapist to get him a wheelchair and I wheeled him to the front door and he saw me out . I told him it wasn 't necessary , but he insisted that he would say goodbye to me at the front doors . I was worried that he wouldn 't have the energy to wheel himself back to his room , but he was fine . He wheeled himself with ease around the reception area so I bent down to give him a hug and a kiss and then I left . I visited him every weekend . He outlived their estimate of a week . At first he could talk with effort , but even that declined . He lay in bed saying little , only what he could force out . He cried a bit and at one point he squeezed my hand and wouldn 't let go and apologised for being like that . I told him it didn 't matter and cried and was ashamed that he could see me crying because I didn 't want him to think I was upset because he couldn 't do anything . But I was . I didn 't want to see him lying in bed not able to get up . I didn 't want to see him helpless . Yet when he squeezed my hand , his grip was still strong . Eventually , he didn 't talk at all . He just slept . Every now and then he would open his eyes and stare at the ceiling , or me , then he would sleep again . I couldn 't be there every day , but his best friend said that on some week days he was sitting up and talking and laughing and others he would be sleeping . She also said that he 'd given his cameras to her son . I was so angry and hurt . I lost it completely . He 'd already promised them to me and she said that she didn 't know that , that when her son was visiting him he 'd given them to him . It wasn 't so much about the cameras , as it was about his promise , and that he 'd broken it to give to someone that wasn 't even family . To be clear , his bestfriend and her son have been in my dad 's life for 25 years . I discovered that Paul saw more of my dad than my brother and I ever did , because that 's how my dad had wanted it . So his actual children didn 't get a father , but someone who isn 't , did . Now , someone who isn 't his biological son gets the only thing my father ever really cared about . I was interested in photography too . He knew that . We 'd talked about it . But it didn 't matter what I said , to my dad I was always just a girl . Always just female . Women don 't count . I tried over and over again to prove myself , but he always kept his old beliefs . He once said to me , years ago , that women belong in the kitchen . Women can 't be photographers or scientists . I once told him about my interest in forensics and he laughed and told me that I can 't believe everything I see on NCIS . I don 't even watch TV . So at that moment , I realised that my father was dying without ever having properly known me . My brother and Paul had meant the world to my father , but I 'd always had to work harder . He loved me , but he didn 't have the same admiration in me as he did towards my brother and Paul . It clearly hadn 't meant anything to him to give his cameras to me . It would be meaningless if I had one let alone both , because despite what he 'd said , he hadn 't ended up giving them to me . Why would I take something that wasn 't meant for me ? I had a spur of the moment decision to become a mechanic , just to spite him . I would love to learn how to fix cars , though I doubt I would ever attempt at becoming a mechanic , but right at that moment I was going to do it . Because I could . I was surprised , because I 'd never known that about him . I 've always loved the water too , I can never get enough of swimming . One more reason I 'm like my father . But skip forward a few months … I went and saw him again on a Friday , my day off , and he was sleeping . I sat by his bed , holding his hand and watched his chest rise and fall . Every now and then his chest would stop moving and he would stop breathing , only to start again a few seconds later . He didn 't open his eyes in that visit and I decided to go back again the next day . I wasn 't going to , I was still hurt and angry , but the way he was breathing worried me , and unlike during my past visits , he didn 't attempt to speak . The next day I came over and he was lying on his side , his breath rattling as he slept . His skin was pale . Vivaldi was playing in the background . He didn 't wake up when the nurse came in , which was unusual . We talked normal volume , but he didn 't stir . She told me that she didn 't know when he would die . We watched him breathing , listening to the rattle in his breath . She said that I couldn 't give him any fluids otherwise it would go into his chest ( lungs ? I don 't understand that part now ) . For the last three weeks he 'd been on constant morphine so she checked the levels and then left . I sat there , listening to his breathing . Vivaldi stopped and he began to get restless . His eyes opened for the first time and I grabbed his hand and squeezed it and told him that I loved him . His hand was icy cold . He closed his eyes again and I got up and put Vivaldi back on . There was a photo album next to his bed , from the 70s when he lived at Bondi Beach , back when rents were under $ 70 a month and you could afford to live in Sydney . I flipped through it and smiled at some of the photos , of when he was in his 20s with wild hair and beard . He stirred and coughed for the first time , it was an effort for him to get it out . Another few minutes past and I looked at him and he was staring at me . I squeezed his hand , still so cold , and went back to looking at the album . He made some gurgling noises , I thought he was just trying to cough again and then suddenly the room seemed too still . I looked at him and his eyes were open , staring at me . I stared back . " Papa ? " I asked , squeezing his hand . His hand that was icy cold . There wasn 't a reply and the rattling noise had stopped . I shook him gently . Nothing . " That was fast , " she said , getting up with the other nurses following . I was sobbing as they checked his vitals , a nurse was next to me rubbing my back . They confirmed that he 'd died . I found out then that the melanomas had spread to his side and his brain . He hadn 't told me because he was in denial . Right up to that day he hadn 't wanted to die . He REALLY hadn 't wanted to die . He still wanted to do his photography , he still had hope that they would find a way to treat him , to get rid of the cancer . I think all I really wanted was for him to die a painless death and he did . Over the weeks it had been hard watching him suffer , knowing that he didn 't have a quality of life anymore . I was scared that he would die before I had a chance to get there . After the nurses had gone , leaving me to some privacy , I sat and looked at my father , sobbing . His cheek bones stuck out and his skin was mix of grey and white . I held his cold hand again . I realised I was no longer scared of death . It was 1 February 2014 and over the past three weeks that he was deteriorating , I knew I wasn 't scared anymore . I looked at his face and thought that it must be peaceful , sleeping eternally . I 've never been religious , I don 't believe in god , but I like the idea of sleeping forever and living in your dreams . Maybe eventually getting reincarnated . I think I was so scared because both my parents immigrated from Germany . The rest of my family is still over there , so I 've never experienced death first hand . Seeing it , seeing someone I love going through it , made it more real for me . I looked at my father 's - at Papa 's face - and he didn 't look like he was suffering anymore . In two weeks it 's his birthday , his 65th birthday , and we 'll be scattering his ashes at the breakwall , his favourite place . I have my regrets - I think in his own argumentative way he tried to reach out to me and know me better but I blocked him - and I 'm sorry I only had five years of getting to know him again , but I 'm grateful that I got to be there for him when he needed me , never mind that the opposite wasn 't true . I have to dig hard to find good memories out of many bad ones , but I know that he loved me and I know he was proud of me and I think in a few years I 'll be able to find the good memories that escape me now . Share the love . . . Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on LinkedIn ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Reddit ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pocket ( Opens in new window ) Click to print ( Opens in new window ) Click to email ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . 1 March 2014 in Life . Tags : cancer , death , fear , melanoma , Relationships 9 thoughts on " My First Death " mrbraceface says : 6 March 2014 at 7 : 06 am Wow , sorry to hear about this loss . This is a very powerful story you wrote . I lost my mother a while back now , but after that happened and after a lot of thinking , I came to kind of the same acceptance of death as you seem to mention ; it 's not necessarily a bad and horrible event , but just an inevitable step to another existence that we can 't comprehend in our here and now . Reply sweetlittlenetwork says : 16 March 2014 at 12 : 29 am Sorry for your loss . I have an illogical , overwhelming , crippling fear of death . It was not always this way - at least I don 't think so . Somewhere around 3 weeks after my concussion , I became consumed with it . Reply pussyhasfurballs says : 16 March 2014 at 3 : 41 pm Thank you . I 'm not sure if it 's illogical , fear of the unknown is normal I think . I 'm sorry for all you 've gone through , I can 't imagine what it 's like to lose memories . Reading your blog makes me feel like we 're going through the journey with you . Reply sweetlittlenetwork says : 17 March 2014 at 8 : 36 am Thank you . I will write more on my fear of death soon . Lots I need to write about . Guess what 's frustrating is having someone remember something about me and I have the slightest connection with it . Happy I can take you along on my recovery . LikeLike Reply Mr . Atheist says : 13 April 2014 at 2 : 53 pm This is very touching and real . Having lost my own biological father 20 years ago and my dad a little over a year ago , these words speak to the truth of the situation . I wish I had blogging to turn to 20 years ago . It might have made me a writer . You are not alone . Not that you think you are , but know you have a brother in California that has lived through a similar situation . Keep on keeping on . Most Prodded Furballs SHE LIVES ! Smut ! Cloudy Word Stuff . . . is that a pony ? It looks like a pony ! 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The system we used was from the fucking stone age and it was hundreds of codes that were very finicky and they made me cry nearly every day . So I requested to go to training since the person training me was absolutely useless . My manager agreed , so off I drove to Dallas for two weeks of intense classroom training . This girl was from Arkansas and she was … Oh , how do I put it ? She was a girl who seemed like she needed daddy to survive . She was sick nearly every day , and while I was battling a horrible lung infection for the majority of this training , I understood . She seemed nice at first , she even sat with me and invited me to the bar a couple of times . But I had declined because I was certain I was dying and I ended up having to go to Urgent Care . I had lost complete use of my right lung because of how swollen it was in my chest . Not pneumonia though , surprisingly . But it was the sickest I had ever been , and I did not miss one minute of class . How awesome is this mask ? Seriously ? I really needed it too . My first lunch at the training center I was sitting with a flight attendant who was super funny . She was great . And the Arkansas girl sat next to me . She had been talking to me that morning , letting me know that she was a Razorback , she was working on her third college degree in an advanced science . If she was telling the truth , I will say that she was incredibly intelligent . And when she spoke to me , she talked to me like she was highly intelligent , which I really respected . However , after five minutes of talking to her , all I could think is how immature she was . Some people are just really immature , and that 's fine , but it actually got on my nerves . I tried to be friendly with this girl , I really did . She and I had a lot of shared interests , but something about this girl just screamed , " I 'm just so lucky because daddy takes care of me . " I don 't know if it 's true or not , but a lot of youth I had met in the south had daddy giving them money to chase their dreams before settling down and doing the good southern thing of getting married and having a thousand fucking babies . For all I knew she was just a full time student . It was over a year ago and the details about her are kind of fuzzy . The straw that broke the camels back was three days before the end of class . I was not awake yet . My lung infection was starting to subside , but I still had a fever and I was taking a handful of prescribed pills in order breathe . I was missing Alex , I was feeling considerably lonely since I didn 't really bond with anyone in the class at all . I just wanted to go home . So badly . This girl liked to be the center of attention . Which is fine … most of the time . She invited me to sit with her and half the class for breakfast , and I didn 't even have coffee in me yet . She began to talk about how she had watched her friend 's wedding she was in on TV the night before . In my home state , with my own friends anywhere , this would have gotten a laugh . This would have gotten an applause for timing . But I wasn 't in my home state . I wasn 't with my friends . I was in a strange place with strange people who had deep roots in the deep south . For one of the first times in my life , I felt like a true outcast who had truly and really fucked up and I realized it as soon as the words left my lips . " They 're not bigots . It 's their christian belief and they can express it any way they want , " she said to me in a cold , calm manner . And I don 't blame her . In fact , I commend her for how calmly and politely she responded . She had far more tact and grace than I had or ever will have . I did apologize as soon as I said it . " That came out far harsher than I had intended , " I said . " I 'm sorry . I just don 't agree with most of their actions . " She didn 't say anything more to me . She didn 't have to . I excused myself , grabbed my coffee , and went to the class . I was later pulled out of the class and had a briefing on how hurtful my comments were and how I was being incredibly disrespectful . While I technically didn 't say anything that could fire me , and thank god I didn 't make a comment on the " Christianity " side of the Duggar 's reactions , I was let off with a warning . If I would have criticized the Christian - like tendencies of the Duggar 's and argued religion , I would have been unemployed and sent back to Louisiana . The last day of class though , I went up to her and shook her hand . I told her that I felt she would do well in our industry , and I drove home . I never saw or heard from her again . I have no idea if she still works there . I said a number of things those two weeks that were unwarranted . Mostly she talked about how the few times she had worked the counter , she had really nice passengers . And in that part of Arkansas , I had really good luck with people too . I drove through the town she worked in several times whenever I drove to Minnesota . I had stayed in that town several times over the past three years . Of any place in the deep south , that particular area was a very nice , very welcoming area that really embraced the " Southern Hospitality " mentality that I never really got in Louisiana . Where I worked , however , I had people threatening to kill me every day . I had drinks thrown in my face . And when I had someone telling me how easy the job was and how everyone was sweet and nice all the time , I did laugh . A lot . Have you ever had an experience where your mouth got you into trouble ? Have you ever had an instance where you were called a bigot for calling out crazy behavior ? Ever deal with difficult people ? Let me know in the comments Okay , I 'm not being fair . For someone not raised in cold weather , it can be terrifying . My coworker didn 't know that cold weather can make your tires look deflated , so when he was going to come into work when it was 10 degrees outside , he called and said he couldn 't come in because all four of his tires were flat from how cold it was . I told him that once he started driving they would become round again and back to normal , but he didn 't believe me because he was over twice my age and heaven forbid someone half his age knew something . We actually had really bad weather one day . There was a tornado that was visible from the windows of the front of the airport . Not close enough to cause severe damage to where I was at , but we could actually see the tornado . So naturally the flights cancelled . Well , one flight did not cancel and it was the very last flight of the night . And this flight had 52 people booked for a 50 seater plane . This flight was severely oversold . And this happens a lot when there 's bad weather . It 's unavoidable . This lady was standing to the side and was on the phone trying to make arrangements when I made the mistake of doing my job and checking in a passenger . When she saw me checking him in , she literally shoved this guy away from the counter and started to scream at me . " Well take his ass off the flight and put me on the flight . I 'm a doctor ! I 'm far more important than him ! " This guy just looked at her flabbergasted . You 're probably thinking I 'm exaggerating this story , and I 'm really not . I had people tell me all the time how they 're more important . It pisses me off . Have you ever dealt with people who thought they were better than you ? Have you ever used a magic wand to change the weather ? Let me know in the comments ! DISCUSS SOMETHING PLEASE ! I was a ticket agent for an airline . That 's right , I was one of those people . I also worked the ramp and the baggage service office . Occasionally the gate . So guess what ? If you ever got stuck in Shreveport for any reason , you probably saw me and I probably had a super fake smile and told you about why there 's no way I can change the weather . I also probably got drunk after my shift bitching about how passengers are total fucking idiots . I typically worked the late night shift or the early morning . My favorite part of the job was working in the Baggage Service Office , or BSO for short . This job required me to sit at a desk and help people find their lost bags , as well as replace broken bags . I thoroughly enjoyed this job . It was the best job . You know why ? I was legally bound to go through suitcases and document the contents . This job was perfect for me because I 'm incredibly nosy and I love to see what kind of lies people come up with . They 'll tell me when I 'm taking the claim that they have a five thousand dollar gift ( this actually happened ) and when I opened the bag , it was just dirty clothes . Those dirty clothes must have been expensive though . So one night , a week before Alex graduated from Airman Leadership School , which is a huge accomplishment by the way , I had a crazy passenger . Definitely not my craziest , but she makes the top ten hands down . The main problem I had with this crazy bitch is she looked suspiciously like the original Crazy Biatch My friend and coworker T took the claim , and he pulled me aside to tell me the monstrosity of this particular passenger . Apparently her car seat was a flight behind her . She was yelling at him for the most part , telling him how inconvenient it was that her car seat was missing and there was nobody else who was missing a bag . And how dare our airline miss a bag , because come on , we 're a big airline , of course we would never miss a bag . She then went on to tell him that she was going to get so many free flights from our airline because her car seat was missing . We found a replacement to give her for the time being and filed a claim and told her that we could have it delivered . She told T that she was going to come up here to get it because she wanted the airline to know how inconvenient they were being to make her come back to the airport at 10 : 30 at night . Now , if you ever get into this situation , please remember that we are required to document everything you say so that when people try to get free stuff , they can refer to the file and realize that the person is being a pain in the ass . This woman took the fucking cake . She was the fucking pain in the ass of the week . Fast forward to the last flight of the night . My turn to work the bag office . T comes with me to call the lady and let her know that her car seat had arrived . Twenty minutes later she runs in , hoots and hollers about how inconvenient it was for her to drive up to the airport at nearly 11pm and that it wasn 't fair that she had to drive here to get her car seat when we could have delivered it ( Can you believe this bitch ? I 'm not even exaggerating ) . She thanked us and left . We were relieved . Fast forward a week . Remember how I mentioned Alex 's Airman Leadership School Graduation ? I was at a table with a bunch of people a few ranks above Alex , as well as their wives . Alex was asked to sing the national anthem and we had to take pictures with the commander . There was a total of ten people at my table . I video taped him , but if you listen really carefully , you can hear that bitch whispering in my ear about how my airline refused to give her a $ 1500 voucher for free flights because her car seat was missing . Seriously , for over an hour , she was yelling at me when I was supposed to be supporting Alex at this god awful function . I had a dress and heels on . I had half a bottle of vodka in my system to tolerate this function , I had Master Sergeants asking me to share my vodka because they were veterans for these horrible things . I was not at work , I was off the clock , and I consistently told her this , but she didn 't care . She was pissed that her cars seat was a flight behind her and she wasn 't getting free tickets out of it . She even traded seats with the person next to me so instead of me celebrating my husband 's huge accomplishment , I spent two hours listening to this crazy fucking bitch about how my company was unwilling to give her thousands of dollars over a car seat . Back when Alex and I first got married , right before we honeymooned in Vegas , Alex found a Titanic Exhibit . He knows that I love everything titanic , from the movie to stupid books about how it all went down . I find this stuff fascinating , and so when he brought up the exhibit to me , I casually told him a little something that baffled him . The " again " was the part that caused a large amount of confusion , to say the least . Most people don 't make mention of puking at a historical exhibit , much less puking at a historical exhibit again . To which he gave me a very strange look and told me to elaborate . When I was about ten years old , it was around when the Titanic movie came out . I watched it every day after school for over a year , and even now , I can recite the entire movie . Word for word . Because I love useless information . When scholastic released those book catalogues to students and there was a titanic book , I would beg my mom to buy it . So I have tons of childrens books that are infographics for the Titanic . My grandma got me a Titanic piggy bank that you push a lever and the butt end of it rises up so the coin slides into the front of the ship . I wanted my name to be Rose because I wanted to find my own personal Jack . My father , who felt left out with my Titanic obsession , had a friend who was helping run the Titanic Exhibit in St Paul . Since it was educational , and his friend got him free tickets , he surprised me on his weekend with us that we would be going to the big Titanic Exhibition . I was ecstatic . Except for one thing . I hadn 't been feeling well for a couple of days , and this particular day my stomach really hurt . I told my dad this , but he insisted that if I walked around , my stomach would feel better . Since I really wanted to see the jewelry of Molly Brown and even see a real piece of the Titanic , I swallowed my pride and tried to ignore my stomach . We went to the exhibit and it was insanely interesting . We got to see old suitcases , jewelry , clothes , tons of stuff salvaged from the ship . However , every ten minutes or so , I 'd have to sit down to keep anything that was in my stomach down because as the day wore on , I felt sicker . My dad tried to tell me that I was imagining things , and I told him that I really needed to throw up . He just shrugged it off , as most parents do . Not going to lie , if it had been me looking at my child , I probably would have thought the same thing . Then , the big finale of the trip , there was this big pool thing that had the real piece of the Titanic . It had to remain underwater because of the rust , but it still had the windows in it and the air smelled of something . To be honest , it 's too far long ago that I would remember . I think it was salt water . This is when I couldn 't hold the contents of my stomach any longer . I start pulling on my dad 's shirt , telling him I 'm going to puke , to which he shooed my hand away , telling me that he 's busy telling my brother some information . I start to wail a little bit , to which he snaps and tells me to keep quiet because he was talking . I tried to remind him that I did , but he just kept freaking out because tact is not his specialty . I don 't think any puke actually got on the real piece , but I can 't be too sure . It didn 't make the newspapers , but that would have been a great story to share . There was one evening though , that a young Chinese woman came in with a man here from Louisiana . She had four suitcases and she was trying to get my attention . Since I was pretty much done working for the night , I went over to see if I could help her . She told me that she had to get to Kansas City as quickly as possible and needed to know if she could buy a ticket that night . Unfortunately , there was nothing I could do to help her that evening . I told her the next time we had anything going out would be early the next morning , but I didn 't have the ability to sell it to her . I told her to go online and look there , but her computer was pretty wonky and wasn 't working . She had been in the United States for less than a day , and she was scared . I found out that the man that she was with was hosting her here in Shreveport , and he was a little on the creepy side , if I do say so myself . He was polite enough , but the way she was acting and the way he was talking poorly about her to her face and to me , a total stranger , tipped me off a little bit . I tried to ignore my instincts , but there really wasn 't much to be done . He kept telling her to get in his car , she kept refusing . She even turned me and pulled me away from him , mouthing something to me , something I couldn 't quite figure out . She eventually made him angry enough that he stormed off . She went into a different part of the building and said she was going to sleep there until she could buy a ticket in the morning . I went back to finish up paperwork at my job , but my stomach kept nagging me . I knew something was up , and if I had been her , I would have been terrified . Once I had clocked out , I saw her in a different part of the building with her laptop out , trying to get ahold of her friend . When I sat down next to her , she started crying , telling me how scared she was . This made me feel really rotten . She was mouthing , " Help me , " when I was telling her to go back with the person hosting her . Apparently he had a gun on every wall of the house , he had a history of mail order brides and being divorced from them , and she was just , overall , realizing that staying with him was a bad idea so she told him she had to go to the airport to see her friend in Kansas City . She told me quite a bit about herself , and the more I talked to her , the more I liked her . However , after an hour of sitting with her , Alex was asking me where I was . I told her I had to go and every time I tried to leave , she would grab my hand and ask me if I could stay just a few minutes more . After another hour , I was able to go home , but not until she had given me a flannel toilet seat cover with penguins on it . She said it was to keep my butt warm in the winter . As I was starting the drive home , I called Alex and told him the entire situation . I mentioned that I had offered to bring her home with me and let her stay the night , and she had declined . Alex then asked me if I had insisted . No , I hadn 't really . And the farther I got away from my work , the guiltier I felt . I thought that if I was in a strange place , where I hardly spoke the language , I would be terrified . I would be unable to function well , and I honestly couldn 't stop thinking about her well - being . I knew she was scared , and I was scared for her . I turned the car around and drove back and found her trying to ask people to help her buy a ticket . I came upon her and told her to come home with me . I told her my husband was okay with it and I didn 't feel comfortable leaving her alone . After ten minutes of bickering with her a bit , she reluctantly agreed and put her stuff in my car . The farther from my work we were , the more bubbly she became . I think that I had earned her trust enough for her to trust me . We got to my house and I told her I had two dogs and my house wasn 't super clean , to which she exclaimed it was much cleaner than the guy 's house that she had stayed at for one day . Have you ever helped a stranger in need ? Do you think I was being risky letting a stranger stay in my home ? What are your thoughts ? Let me know in the comments ! After dating Alex about a month , we had already told each other the dreaded L word . I was sleeping over at his place every day , and nights that I wasn 't at his house , we were texting each other all night because we couldn 't sleep without the other one . When I worked on base , he would walk to my work , pick up my car , fill it up and go grocery shopping to make sure I ate my veggies . If there was a rare occasion that we both had a day off , we spent it in his dorm room watching movies and cuddling . I had been in love once before , but never like this . It was intoxicating . When we were together , I felt complete and at peace , when we were apart , I ached for him in a way I never knew a person could ache for someone . Once a year I would fly home to Minnesota to visit my family , always on my mom 's dollar because I was poor . She would fly me home , I 'd see the dentist and any other medical check ups I needed , mom would take me clothes shopping , my friends would throw a party and we 'd either get drunk or just hang out , and so on . This trip , I remember a very distinct conversation with my mom about my relationship with Alex . I told her that I was going to marry Alex . I just knew that I was going to marry him . Alex and I started joking about it after two weeks of dating , saying " if we get married . " When the one month mark hit , we were saying " When we get married " and neither of us corrected the other . My mom told me that I needed to wait at least six months so I could get to know him . She said that I needed to be careful because he could be someone who is abusive , and to be fair , she made a lot of really good points . The points she made , honestly , are points I make to people when they mention marriage after knowing someone for a year . My mom tried to talk me out of it and she said she wanted to meet him before I considered marrying him and that we should plan a trip to visit all of our families before getting married , but we lived in Alaska and he was newly enlisted , he was just as broke as I was . But as always , my mom knew best , and her advice was really solid advice . But I just didn 't want to listen . I got my wisdom teeth taken out two days before I flew back to Minnesota , and the day after I was so high on pain meds that I didn 't remember my brother sitting with me on the couch singing Rocky Horror Picture Show . Nor do I remember my step dad talking to me , or anything . I do remember yelling at my mom that I wanted a hamburger smoothie and that I had to have Greek yogurt , to which she laughed and told me to shut the hell up . The day I flew back to Alaska , Alex was going to meet me at the airport . He had my car , after all . When I landed in Fairbanks , I was still a little out of it from the meds , but I saw him at the baggage claim , standing there with a worried look on his face . When he saw me , he opened his arms and I ran to him , refusing to let go of him . There were a few people there cooing and awing , but we had only been apart a week , and to us , it felt like an eternity . The next morning I had to go back to Fairbanks to find out when I was supposed to work at the deli , and I knew that I had to work that night at the bowling alley , but I was still kind of out of it . I had to take a Vicodin the night before and I don 't think it was completely out of my system . I was also jet lagged . That day , it was mid - January and it was - 44 outside with drifting snow . It all happened so fast that I didn 't even realize what was happening . The car was spinning then suddenly I was upside down , the roof of my car had caved in and was nearly touching my head , the engine turned off , stuff was everywhere , and I was staring at a St Christopher medal that was on my visor . I saw cars driving by , I saw the snow falling , and the seatbelt was causing me pain for restraining me in my chair . I remembered I started screaming , but it seemed so far away . I didn 't feel like I was in my body because I was so scared . I remember seeing a woman a few feet away from my window , looking in to the window . I started to pound on the window , screaming for help and she ran away . I was trapped upside down , unable to move , my body paralyzed with fear . I found my phone somehow and dialed the last number I had called . Let me tell you , not the best way to go about this kind of situation . I could only scream . I remember him trying to calm me down and say it without screaming and I continued to be hysterical , screaming that I was probably going to die because it was - 44 outside that day and I was in the ditch somewhere between North Pole and Fairbanks . Oh , and because I was trapped upside down . Can 't forget that bit . The blood was going to my head . He said he was going to hang up and have the dispatcher call me . I cried that I didn 't want him to hang up and he did . A few minutes later a dispatcher called me and told me to stay calm . In the few minutes where I was waiting for my phone to ring , I pushed myself up into my seat and unclasped the seatbelt and slid to the roof of my car , laying on the ceiling , no longer upside down . The dispatcher asked me if I was okay , and I told her no because I had just paid off the car and cut the insurance . She asked me if I was physically injured and I told her no . I had so much shit in my car that I couldn 't leave the front seat . They asked me if I had a blanket to cover my face and I pulled it over and covered my face while they used a sledge hammer to break the window . The pulled the blanket away from me and placed it over the broken glass while I crawled out the window . Since this day was a horrible day , my ass got stuck in the window . Since I was still hysterical from flipping my car and being totally fucking broke , I started screaming because my ass was trapped in that fucking car . I think the responders were trying not to laugh at my yelling , " OH MY GOD MY ASS IS STUCK ! I ' M GOING TO DIE ! " My eyes were fully dilated , I was shaking , I was cold , but I was alive . They told me if I hadn 't of worn my seatbelt , I 'd be dead . If it had been summer and there was no snow to cushion the fall , the car would have compressed more and I would have died , if the glass had shattered in the right way , it would have blinded me . All the conditions were perfect for me to come out injury free for the most part . As they were telling me this , I realized my hand feel really warm . I looked down and saw that it was covered in warm blood . Since my adrenaline was still ridiculously high , I screamed " OH MY GOD I ' M BLEEDING TO DEATH ! " They asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital , but I didn 't have health insurance so I couldn 't afford it . They called a tow truck and I waited in the troopers car . I got my phone and called Alex , telling him I was fine and I was broke and had no idea what to do . I called my mom and got her voicemail , telling her to call me when she promised to not get mad . I called my roommate to tell her that I got into an accident and I was okay . I called my managers at each job and told them that I couldn 't work that day because I had no transportation because I totaled my car . When my mom called me , she said she wouldn 't get mad . She promised . And I told her I flipped and totaled my car . She asked me if I was hurt , I said no . Then she started to scream at the top of her lungs . I almost dropped the phone . The tow truck driver yelled at me because the key was missing from the ignition , but I had no idea where it had fallen . I thought it was in the engine . To this day , I have no idea where that key went . They towed the car to the house I was staying at , and I did the one thing that I had wanted to do since the car started spinning out of control . That whole , " Always wear clean underwear when you get into a car accident , " is no lie . My god , since the moment the car went upside down , it was painful to hold in . It was so fucking insane , I was so relieved to see a toilet . There is no greater happiness than seeing a toilet after you total your car . Now one thing , when I flipped the car , I almost died . I saw my life flash before me , but not like seeing all these things that I had done . I saw all the things I didn 't do . All the things I wanted to do in my life . I saw Alex in a way I never saw him before . I saw myself growing old with him , I saw him not just as my boyfriend , but as my companion , my husband , my soul mate . When I was trapped upside down , all I thought through all of that , besides emptying my bowels , was , " If I get out of this alive , I have to tell Alex I love him . " Alex and I had talked marriage , but I didn 't realize just what that entailed , and after flipping my car and nearly dying , I realized exactly what that meant . I didn 't want to spend another day without Alex . I wanted to grow old with him . I wanted to wake up next to him every day , to fight with him , to buy a house together . I wanted all that mushy stuff . I was tired of moving every few months , I was tired of working two full time jobs just to make ends meet . I was tired of being so lonely . I was tired of being so damn strong . I wanted to be able to lean on someone , even if just for an instant . I wanted Alex to be with me for the rest of my life , and I realized at that moment exactly what that entailed . As soon as he found out I was at work , he had the troll drive him to the bowling alley . When he saw me , he went from walking to full blown sprinting . I didn 't even see him enter the building , but my manager did , and she started giggling when she saw him run . He tackled me , squeezing me so tight I coucouldn ' teathe . He touched my face , he felt to make sure I wasn 't hurt , he kissed me . He was almost in tears . I was only able to work a few hours of my shift . When the adrenaline calmed down , I was so dizzy that I nearly passed out . I was trying not to cry . I was so incredibly exhausted that I didn 't know what was going to happen to me . My coworker said she 'd cover the rest of my shift and my manager said it was okay for me to leave . I was going to walk to Alex 's dorm , which was about a quarter of a mile away , but my coworker called her husband and had him drive me the short distance . He offered to walk me to the door , but I said no and walked myself . When I got to Alex 's dorm , he just sat and held me as I started to cry . I had no idea what was going to happen . I couldn 't afford a new car . I could barely afford my rent . Alex wasn 't allowed to live off base so we couldn 't get an apartment together unless we got married . I was afraid of what the coming months had in store for me . The next day my body was so sore and stiff that I couldn 't even move . It hurt just to sit up . So I called into work and my manager had already given my shift away because she knew I 'd be sore . Alex didn 't have a car , and since he 's an asshat in situations like this , he made me walk all over base to get anything I 'd need for the next few days . That was the most painful day of my life . A week later I was back to working both jobs , taking a taxi to work or having my friend pick me up to go to the base . My mom gave me a loan of cash to buy a ' 97 Buick LeSabre , which I drove for two years . When I went back to work at Safeway , my manager told me that I was no longer dependable and that I needed to quit or she 'd find a way to fire me . Have you ever almost died ? Have you ever been in a situation where you were given an ultimatum ? Did your significant other ever save your life ? Let me know in the comments ! Marjorie claimed to be a gold digger . However , I thought gold diggers were supposed to be extremely pretty and hot and pretty much super models , something that Marjorie wasn 't . She wasn 't ugly by any means , but she was fairly average looking , and on the heavier side . When I think gold diggers , I think more along the lines of Kate Upton . I told her I was sorry and her response was something along the lines of , " Oh it 's no big . We all had a huge boat party to celebrate when he died . We were so drunk ! It was so crazy ! " When I gave her a look of horror , she went on to explain . " Oh , my dad was a total asshole . We hated him . So we had a big party on my yacht to celebrate him dying . " She went on to explain all the things that they did on her yacht , and how they all did their greek mythology worship , which to me made no sense . A friend of mine who is extremely well versed in greek mythology laughed quite a bit when I told her Marjorie 's " religious beliefs " because Marjorie was totally and completely misinformed about what each god represented . Also , it was increasingly difficult to follow her stories , they kept changing . I 'm sure if she told that story now , the party would have been on her own private cruise ship , because her sugar daddy owned Princess Cruises or something like that . |
Looking at Deals on Satellite Packages Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment Of course I am not thinking about much of a deal , I can not afford to spend a huge sum of money on what I watch on TV . I suppose you can look at it in a variety of ways , but when you boil it down you can live without paying for TV . It is one of the last things you need . You need food , a roof above your head , clothes on your back and most people need a vehicle to get them back and forth to work . I am looking at directstartv . org where they have a deal up on a satellite package at 20 dollars a month . Of course I am thinking that there is probably more to it than that . For one thing the problem with a satellite system is that you have to buy and install the equipment . Every TV set you hook up to it needs it 's decoder box . You also need a clear line of sight to a specific piece of the sky , the place where you have to point the antenna to line it up with the satellite . I have checked and I am reasonably sure that I can hook up the satellite system myself . I have this open piece of land to one side of my house and I am pretty sure it is good enough . I wonder if you have to have the antenna a certain distance of the house though . It might be that I could lose signal strength if it was too great a distance . Of course I figure that I will likely look for a used system on ebay or something like that . It is a bit of a risk , but the chances are I can find some reputable person who will sell me a system for a fraction of what it would cost new . When Taking a Shower Goes Wrong Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment If you 're looking for some great shower doors in Union County NJ you can 't go wrong with Glass Plus . I 've been ordering from them for a while now and every single order that I 've had has been exactly what I requested from them . I flip houses for a living and you woiuldn 't believe how often I find a house whose shower has been utterly ruined . Who knows why squatters decide that a bathroom is the very first thing that I needs to be destroyed but they waste no time in dismantling everything that they can get their hands on ! Honestly , I 'm typically hesitant with putting in glass fixtures or doors in any bathroom . I had a bad experience myself a few years ago when I slipped in my shower ! I went to grab the door as I fell which caused the door to wrench out of the brackets . Of course from there you can imagine what happened next . The door fell as I did , shattering into a million pieces of jagged and flesh tearing shards that sent me to the hospital . Luckily I escaped with few injuries and needed only seven stitches . I like to think that I was lucky that day . That , of course , is more of a sign of someone who installed a shower door and had no idea what they were doing . On the other hand , I do know what I 'm doing ! I 'd like to say that every door that I do install is installed properly and nobody will ever have to go through what I did . It was a terrible and scary experience that left something of a mental scar . Now I always make sure that the rubber mats are at the bottom of the tub and have to double check the doors whenever I get in and out . Continue reading » Finding Great Sewer Drain Cleaning Services Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment I did not know that you could get your sewer drain clogged , but I guess you learn something new every day . Or it seems like I learn something new every day . I had never owned a house with plumbing that attached to the local city sewage system before , so this is all new to me . Anyway , I need to hire drain cleaning in Bergen county because I was talking to a buddy of mine about some issues I have been having with my plumbing in my house . I am sure grateful that I have not had any issues like that yet . But if there is a chance that it could happen if I do not get this fixed , then you can believe me , I am going to do everything I can do to get it fixed as soon as possible . In fact , I am currently looking up the numbers of a few companies in the area . I am going to give them all a call and ask about this problem . I am going to hire whoever is going to be able to make it over to my house the soonest to take care of the issue . I don 't even care about price at this point ; rather , I just want to get this over with . I don 't know if it will be expensive or not though . Trying to Live a Healthier Life Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment I have decided that it is time for me to take my health a lot more seriously . I am not trying to start a bunch of weird diet plans or one of those insanely intense exercise projects . You can do yourself a lot of harm if you jump in on a radical change of the way you live your life . I am thinking about exploring the benefits of walking daily and eating sensibly to start off . It is not a wise course to go headlong into a more intense regime of diet and exercise . The future probably holds much more intense working out , but that is not a good way to start out . You want to build up to where you are physically prepared to endure the exertion of that sort of work out . You may get a heart attack or sprain a bunch of your muscles if you go in it too hard to start . I need to lose between fifteen and twenty five pounds in the final analysis , but there is not so big of a hurry to get to the final goal . I figure that if I lose half of that amount , then that is going to be good enough to stave off serious repercussions . More to the point once I have lost that much I will be able to move on to a more intense program if that is what I think that I need to do . I figure that getting that much off is not really going to be an issue . I should be able to do it by simply walking a few miles per day and giving up foods which do not contribute . I drink a lot of sweet tea and a bit of soda as well . Trading water for that should eliminate a ton of calories . Putting the Money to Good Use Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment Money management isn 't something that I excel at on my own , so sometimes get a little help from Quicken 2016 . By creating a budget , I learned that I had some extra money left over that I could put to something useful . I thought about what I could use the most , and the first thing that came to mind was a car . For years I 've been taking public transportation , and I 've had a lot of interesting experiences on it , some good and bad . Having to wake up early to catch the bus to the train station is always an annoyance , and having to deal with the crazy people on the train is an even bigger one . Once while I was riding the train , there was a man who was selling some candy . This wasn 't boxed candy that he bought from the store , but candy that he made at home . The man had poured chocolate and fruity candy into molds and made lollipops . He walked up and down the train car asking anyone if they wanted to buy one , and each time people declined the offer . When he got to me , I told him no , but he wouldn 't accept my answer . He started trying every sales trick in the book to wear me down , but I wasn 't going to give in . When the train stopped , a few more people got on and he tried to sell them candy , but one person got into an argument with the man , and the man threw his candy in the other man 's face and ran off the train . This was the experience that made me realize that I didn 't want to ride on public transportation anymore . I looked on some used car websites for a car that I could drive around . I didn 't care about having the latest model , I just needed something affordable . I Wanted to Get More Comments on My YouTube Videos Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment One of my favorite things about YouTube is the comment section . Even before I got my own YouTube channel , I always judged videos by the comments . If there are only a couple of comments on a video , then it is probably not that good . If there are dozens or hundreds , then it is worth a view to see why so many people felt the need to comment on it . When I started my own YouTube channel , I knew that I was going to buy YouTube comments as well as likes and views . I could have done it the traditional way , which is just letting those things build up on their own , but that would have been counterproductive to what I was trying to achieve . I really liked that I would be able to make money on my YouTube channel , but I knew that I needed to draw people to my channel to make that happen . The first order of business was having amazing content , which was not a problem . The second thing I had to focus on was getting higher numbers , which is why I went to socialwows . com . I chose them because I have a few friends who have used them , and they have told me that this company charges a fair rate for everything they offer . While my friends used this company to increase their numbers on Twitter and Instagram , I had a feeling that I would have the same kind of success with YouTube . I knew that I was not the only one who judges a video based on the number of comments , and that is why I wanted to have comments over anything else . I ended up not having to choose though because I was able to purchase a bundle package where I got likes and views too . The Hair Extensions Gave Her Such Volume Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment When my sister asked me to help her pick out the right kind of hair extensions for her to wear , I was so happy . I was blessed with thick hair like our father , but she took after our mom , who has very thin and delicate hair . I always felt bad that I could do so much with my hair while she was stuck with very few styles that looked decent . I had tried to convince her to do this , and I was so happy that she was finally going to get the Brazilian body wave hair bundles that I knew would make her hair look absolutely amazing . She asked me what the difference was between Brazilian hair extensions and other types , and I explained that it is really in the way that it can be styled . The company that we purchased her hair extensions from do not collect any hair for their extensions from a woman who has had any kind of chemical treatments done . That alone makes the hair a lot more valuable than other companies . Called virgin hair , it is just the best kind of hair to work with because it matches a person 's hair so closely . I showed her some pictures of women wearing the Brazilian hair extensions , and she was really surprised because it was not obvious at all . I knew she was going to look fabulous with them in her own hair , and I could not wait until they were delivered so we could put them in . I would not let her look in the mirror when I put them in the first time , and I will be honest about my own reaction . I actually cried , because I knew she finally had the lush hair that she has always wanted . These extensions gave her the volume that she needed , and it makes such a world of difference in her hair . Finding Organic Food in Singapore Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment The more I read about goes into the production of food these days , in terms of chemicals and hormones , and all other sorts of things , the more reluctant I am to eat it . I am going to try to switch to organic food , but I am not sure where to get it around here , and how much it is going to cost , if I do try to switch to it . I am trying to find a listing of organic stores in Singapore and I hope to find one that is close to my house , so that I can visit on a regular basis and buy food for myself and my family . I am even more concerned about feeding food to my children , because young children deserve to eat well , and they don 't need to be pumped full of chemicals . I just think it is kind of unethical to feed your kids things without knowing what all is in them . I never knew how much food is altered in production these days , until I started looking into it and frankly I was a bit horrified by some of the things I found out . Anyway , I think that I will try my best to switch to better food , and by better food I mean food that is produced organically . That is the best way to assure that there aren 't a bunch of crazy chemicals in the stuff that you are eating . I was looking into processed food in particular , and I don 't know how people eat the stuff . It is like it is not even real food . Kind of makes me sick to think about it , and I know I will feel a lot better once I have some organic food in my house . So I hope to go shopping for some later today . All Kinds of Bonuses with Direct TV Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment When I went to my friend 's house to watch a football game , I was beyond impressed . It was the first time I had been to his house to watch TV , and I was simply amazed at the crystal clear picture that was on his big screen TV . When I left , I was happy for two reasons . The first is because our team won ! The second is because I found out Direct TV HD is rad , and I wanted to order it for myself too . I already had cable , but I wanted to get the Sunday Ticket and watch games on my own TV that looked the way the game did on my friend 's TV . I went home and did a quick search , not sure how long it would take me to find the information that I wanted . It actually took less than a minute to find a reputable dealer in the area . I was able to look at their website , which made me even more impressed with Direct TV overall . I had planned on purchasing the football package , but I found out that I would get it free for the first year just for signing up with them . If that was the only bonus , I would have been happy . But , there were quite a few more . I am able to record shows in one room , watch them in another , and even finish them in another if I want to . I am not limited to just one TV anymore , even if it is the TV that I had recorded something on . Their Genie Go system is so advanced that it offers all kinds of options for viewing . I also got the movie channels free for three months . I am not talking about one or two , but over two dozen ! For a movie nut like me , that is paradise . I just wish I had made this move earlier ! Feeling Safe Will Help Me to Live Easier Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment As a 25 year old , I have lived with my parents all of my life . They let me live with them while I went to college and worked on getting a new job . Compared to most of my friends who have had to scrape to get by after they moved out at the age of 18 , life has been pretty easy for me . But when my parents both passed away last year , I found myself struggling with feeling comfortable living alone . I received an email from ADT that gave a click here link to click and learn more about getting an alarm through them , but I decided to hold off for awhile on getting one . Surely I could get used to not living anyone else and being fearful if I just gave it more time ? Over the next six months , I tried to live life as normal . I had a new job that I needed to focus on so that I would not lose it . I had a lot of things to take care of around the house . My parents were elderly and were not very good about general maintenance around the house in their older years . So , I threw myself into work and working on taking care of some things around my home that needed to be tended to . I missed my parents so much , and wished they could help guide me through everything . Despite being so busy , I could not shake the thought of being alone and not feeling safe . I made sure that I double checked all the windows and doors each night . I made sure to keep my cell phone nearby at all times in case I needed to call for help . I just could not shake the fear , and it seemed the fear grew worse . I had saved the ADT email that I had received many months earlier . I found it and gave them a call . They sent someone over that same day to give me a price quote . The system is being installed tomorrow , and I feel better already . Continue reading » Do You Have the Power to Choose Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment There are several different methods for residential power here in Texas . If you have the power to switch , you should consider the options that you have available to you . There are a few approaches to tackle your own power and you 're allowed to blend and match to achieve your vitality opportunity objectives . No , I 'm not prescribing that you do any strip digging for coal in your terrace or introduce an atomic reactor . In the matter of giving some or the greater part you could call your own vitality sources you have choices , and the suitability of these will shift as per where you live . Live out on the open fields ? You 're a decent contender for windmill sort force ( wind vitality ) . In the event that you live in the sun sash ( beneath the Mason - Dixie line ) , sun oriented force is your secret weapon . Preferably , you can utilize a tad bit of these to meet your vitality requests . In the event that you happen to have a stream or quick moving waterway in your lawn , you may very well have the capacity to bridle that power to run your aeration and cooling system , squeeze up your microwave , and warmth your water . How about we take a gander at these vitality sources in more detail . Wind is an awesome vitality source in light of the fact that its quite often in movement to some degree . What 's more once you 've got those huge wind turbines set up and turning , you 're cash ahead . Take that , electrical organization ! This sort of force is created utilizing cutting edges , in the same way as a fan , mounted on a shaft , and fused with a wind turbine . The rotational force transforms the turbine and proselytes this vitality into power . To be best , numerous turbines are associated together on a " turbine ranch . " There Was a Clog in the Drain Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment I knew I needed to find a good plumber in Essex County NJ a few weeks ago . My husband is usually the one who handles anything that goes wrong with the house , such as plumbing issues . The only problem was , he was not home when the drains decided to act up . He was away on a week long business trip , and we didn 't know anyone well enough to have them come to the house and look at it for me . He looked online though and was able to find a plumber that he felt good about , and he made an appointment for someone to come out that same day . He explained that when I would flush the toilet , not only would the water not go down the toilet all the time , but water would also come up in the bathroom sink and even the shower sometimes . I had no idea what to do about it , but I knew that I could not wait until he got home from his trip to try and fix it . When he talked to the plumber on the phone , he was told that it sounded like a drain issue anyway , and that is something that they would have needed to come out for anyway . I took the plumber right to the bathroom when he arrived , and he was able to tell immediately that it was indeed a drain issue . I told him that I thought maybe our son had flushed some of his smaller toys down the toilet , so he took a camera to see if he could see where the clog was . It turned out that it was just a mass of hair and other things that normally go down the sink and toilet , and it just needed to be broke up . He was able to do that , and everything has been working just fine ever since ! Our Nice Apartment at Heron Walk in Dallas Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment I leased a ground level apartment in the Dallas area that has a back door that leads right out to a very nice swimming pool My kitchen is the perfect size for me . It is big enough for two actually . I found it at http : / / www . heronwalk - apartments . com . I got a two bedroom place to have one room as my office . However , I met a girl and we fell in love . She likes my place , so we got on the lease together when we got married . She gave up her tiny apartment willingly . We have nice grounds here to explore . There are nice big grassy areas and plenty of tall trees . We have the swimming pool and a very nice lake . I would not want to be anywhere else around here . In about eight months from now we will have to be using my old office as a nursery . Things are moving along fast , and I have no problem with that . I am very happy and so is she . We both have decent jobs . We are not making a fortune , but we can afford this nice place to live . There are some more young children and babies in our building , so our baby will have friends to play with . I am very happy I found this place at http : / / www . heronwalk - apartments . com . My wife said she was actually planning on getting an apartment here when we met . I would say that things turned out very well . She got to move where she wanted to move and I got her . In some places in the country there are not too many nice places for young people like us to live . So many are priced beyond what many can afford , or they do not have nice neighbors . We have a place that we can afford , and we have no complaints about our neighbors . How Does Crime Influence Our Behavior Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment Ever since 9 / 11 we Americans have been learning how to deal with fear . It 's not unreasonable to suggest that Americans and our culture have been targets by those with opposing ideologies that would like to see nothing better than the American ' empire ' brought to its knee . This has effected us domestically . Some of us have taken steps to try and manage our fear . For me , I began looking into home security prices and packages after I bought my first home because I 'm far too aware now that there are multiple shadowy cultures in the world who would prey on others . Whether they 're terrorists or your average street criminals , there are individuals who prey on fear but also prey on those who are naive . It 's easy to say to let go of the fear . It might seem a simple matter to think that a crime is not going to happen to you . Sure , I have never been robbed . I 've never even been mugged but I do know people who have had their homes broken into and I do know someone that was mugged on the street . These things are real threats and we have to decide what sort of security we want to wrap ourselves up with . So I chose to have a security system installed in my home . It wasn 't an easy decision . It shouldn 't be an easy decision for anyone - we have to think about the ramifications of having a security system . How is it going to effect our state of mind ? How is it going to impact our behavior ? I don 't want to believe that I am always surrounded by crime but I also want to make sure that I am protected from the potential act of a crime made against me . I don 't want to damage my emotional state by having a security system influence me . Continue reading » Going Straight to the Top Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment It takes a lot of Twitch views to become one of the highest paid streamers on the Internet . When Twitch was in its infancy , I didn 't think about streaming much , mainly because I didn 't have the equipment to do it myself . That changed , and I 've been streaming for a while , but I was far from being the number one streamer . I wanted to changed this , and the only way I knew how to do it was to buy twitch views . Buying the views would attract more views , which would give me more followers , and more views in and endless cycle . I purchase my views in small blocks at a time to make them look more natural . I figured that if I purchased a big batch at once , they would look as if someone was trying to manipulate their way to the top , and people would take too kindly to that . The viewers can spot things like this easily , and they won 't hesitate to either turn their back on a streamer , or try to get them removed from the site . Buying the viewers caused my view count to go up . Gradually , I was making my way to the top , while the other streamers were going down in the charts . I kept things fresh by playing a wide variety of games and providing humorous commentary that kept people coming back for me . Other people tried to duplicate my techniques , but they didn 't have any success in doing it . Eventually , I became the top streamer on the site , but I didn 't stop there . I had to keep my place at the top , or else I would fall off and have to work my way back to the top all over again , and that would not be an easy process to do the second time . Why I Chose My Energy Company Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment When I was looking at San Angelo energy companies , I had no idea that it was going to be as easy as what it turned out to be . That is because I discovered a website that actually did all of the work for me . I knew that I was going to go with the company that was the cheapest for me , but I had no idea which one that was . I was prepared to go to the website of each individual energy company to find out their rates and plans , and then I was further prepared to contact each one over the phone if I could not find the information that I needed . Thankfully , my work was all on one website . This site has all of the energy companies that serve the San Angelo area , but there was even more than that . I was able to look at their rates and plans , and I could even learn a bit more about each company . At first , my only consideration was the price , since I am on a fixed income . As I started reading about these energy companies though , I knew that I was going to base my decision on what the companies do for the communities as well . There were a few companies that offer green options , and it seems that each do different things for the community too . As I was reading about each one , one really stood out to me . I liked that they have a program that helps people who are having difficulty paying their bills at times . I knew that I would be able to pay mine , but I liked that this company is compassionate to those who do need some assistance . It is hard to not support a company that supports its customers like this , and I have been happy with my choice since I made the decision to go with them . Having a New Roof Put on a House Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment I need to get a new roof put on my house , because it is about that time , and so I am going to have to find a company that will give me a fair price for roof installation in Brooklyn NY . It has been 25 years since the roof was put on the house , and I think it is prudent to go ahead and try to replace it now , instead of waiting to see if it might hold out a few more years . At least , that makes the most sense to me , and I think I am right to believe that it is better to do it now . I put the last roof on my house , and I would do the same this time around , if I were still in any type of shape to do so . I was a much younger man 25 years ago , as you might imagine . I also had some help with putting the roof on . But at the age I am now , I can 't even imagine putting a roof on a house . It would probably kill me , if I were to try to do so . So I am not going to do that , and instead , I am going to hire someone to put this roof on my house for me . I just hope to get it done for a fair price , and that they won 't try to overcharge me for the work . I know that it can be pretty expensive to have roof put on , and it is not like I want to get it done for a price lower than what it should cost to put a new roof on my house . But rather , I am just looking to have a fair price , and that seems like a very reasonable thing for me to do . Is a Vaporizer Going to Help Your Health Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment I am looking for a portable vaporizer and trying to figure out where I am going to get the best device I can afford for a good price . Of course what I am looking for is not that cheap . You are going to pay a good bit of change if you get what I want , something which is both effective and portable . I was reading the reviews on a site called vapor domain and trying to figure out which one is best . It looks like the best one is called the Fire Fly and it also costs around two hundred and fifty dollars . It is a good bit of money , but of course you can look at it in a lot of ways . That for example is about the same sum that you would pay for the cigarettes that you would smoke in around five weeks . At least that is how the math works out for me . Obviously this is not the same thing that you are talking about . If you use a vaporizer for nicotine you need to buy the liquid to get the nicotine from and that is what replaces the cigarettes . I am trying to figure out what the total cost will be , but I have pretty much decided that I am going to go to this method so that I can start working out . Most of the stuff that effects your health from smoking cigarettes is not nicotine and it seems obvious that you are going to be a lot better off if you are not inhaling all of that tar and the other stuff . I have been feeling like I am having a lot of trouble breathing lately and it has me pretty scared . So I figure that I need to do this and then work on getting in better shape . My Boss is Being a Real Pain Today Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment Of course I have a lot of problems all of the time , but it seems like I have had more than my fair share of them today . I was really hoping to get a little down time and play some games on the internet . Of course I have been playing these games called plane games 365 and I have just been wasting a whole lot of time doing nothing of importance . They are a lot of fun and I enjoy them , but it seems like I do not really have much time to do that sort of thing this week . My boss is really trying to get a bunch of stuff done and I have been jumping around trying to keep him happy . Of course it is not like that is going to happen . The guy is never going to be happy . He is always mad at all of us and there is nothing that is going to really change that / At any rate I have been driving around a lot today because they can not make up their minds about what they want me to do . It seems like they are twisting it all around in circles trying to figure out some new ways to spin me around in circles . Of course they sent me to pick something up today . It was supposed to come in on a bus and the idea was that they would get it there in a couple of hours like that . However it got on the wrong bus and they apparently sent the package to Greenville SC in stead of here . So there is not much telling when it is going to get here or for that matter if it ever will get here . The guys had to ship another one up to replace it . Found a Little Place Outside of Richmond Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment I am not sure how tough it is going to be to get in to the office all of the time , but Meg and I have found a nice little place in the suburbs . It is more safe than it needs to be probably , because it is in a gated community and it also has Richmond VA adt security . You have to go through one of two gates to get in or out of the neighborhood and there is usually a guard there . Some of the time you can only get in if you have the pass code card or whatever you call it . They have a rent a cop who cruises around every once in a while to check things out . In theory I guess that a thief could walk in through the woods , but it seems like they would find a place where there was less chance of getting caught . At least if it was me and I was looking to steal some stuff I would try to find a place where they were less prepared than they are here . In fact we are sort of thinking that it is probably good enough just to have the sign that says you have ADT , along with maybe getting a fake surveillance camera and putting it some place where it can not be missed . Obviously you might have a thief who was smart enough to see through the bluff or you might get one who was too dumb to care , but more than likely that sort of stuff is going to be enough to make them walk down the street to find a place that has less of a risk in it . On the other hand the way it looks from reading the papers , there must be a lot of guys in prison who are not as smart as they thought they were . I Needed Back on the First Page of Results Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment The webmaster that created my website and handled my SEO needs retired . I thought that his business would be around still since he had a small staff helping him , but they disbanded . I have always been happy with their work , and they have managed to keep me on the front page of search engine results for the last three years . I thought that I would be able to get by without having to hire a new New York search engine optimization company , and I did manage that for a few months . The first time that a search engine changed how it ranks websites completely wiped me off the first page though . I thought that would still be okay , but I noticed a drop in my business almost immediately . While I do have some repeat customers , my business really depends on new people finding me . I knew that I needed to hire a new SEO company quickly , because I wouldn 't be able to pay my bills if business did not pick back up fast . I did a search for SEO services , and I was not surprised by the huge amount of companies that came up on my search . When I didn 't even go past the first page of results , it reminded me again why I needed to hire one of these companies . I was fair to each of them and looked at their websites , but only one stood out to me . I liked everything about them , from their pricing structure to exactly what they offer to their customers . They were able to start helping me that same week , and it was not long before I was back on the first page of search engine results . I know now that I will always have an SEO company helping me , because I need to stay on the first page of results to stay in business ! Free Cheats for Trivia Crack Mark Griffith Generalized Leave a comment I am playing this game that I like a lot and it is an app on my phone that involves trivia . I have been playing it for a couple of weeks now , but I have not really been winning as much as I would like . So I would like to find Trivia Crack cheats to help me to win this game more often , especially against a couple of my friends who seem to win far more often than they should . I am good at most of the categories but there are some categories that I really struggle with the . The main categories that I struggle with are art and entertainment . Mostly because I do not care about either of those subjects to any appreciable degree . Of course , a lot of the questions are random , and seem to have nothing to do with the topic that they are attributed to . I do not know what is up with that , but it sure does annoy me from time to time . I think that one of the best parts of the game that is you can use your spins to land on new topics , so I can focus on science , which is my best topic by far , and not have to be troubled with the topics that I suck at . So it would be nice if I could find a cheat that let me have unlimited spins and then I would just keep spinning and get science questions all of the time and win every game . I am pretty sure that my science percentage is over 95 % even though some of the questions are kind of random and I am not sure if they really belong in the science category . But I have already made that complaint about the game in general , so it is what it is . Continue reading » |
This publication is the exclusive property of cj Schlottman , and is protected under the US Copyright Act of 1976 and all other applicable international , federal , state and local laws . The contents of this blog may not be reproduced as a whole or in part , by any means whatsoever , without consent of the author , cj Schlottman . All rights reserved . It 's five in the morning , and I have been awake since 3 : 30 . I fell asleep at 11 : 00 and was awake with leg pain at 12 : 30 . I took half a Lortab and went back to bed but was awake again at 3 : 30 , still hurting . I didn 't have any Trazadone last night , and that may be the reason I had so much trouble with pain . I don 't know . It doesn 't matter . I took some more pain medicine and now I am comfortable . The door to the balcony is open and as I sit here in the living room I can hear the wind rustling the oak trees . Honey doesn 't like the wind , so I 'm going to prop the door open just a little bit a try to find a comfort level for both of us . ( That didn 't work because the wind is swirling from different directions , so I had to close it . ) We just went outside for her to pee , and the feel of thunderstorms is in the air . The weather man promised these storms yesterday afternoon but they never happened . I walked to the oyster roast last night and only felt a few drops of rain . I like thunderstorms . I liked them as a child . There is something about the power of wind and rain that attracts me . Maybe it 's the fact that I can enjoy unsettled weather while I am sheltered from it and still feel its effects on my soul . The power of the universe is around us every moment of every day , and for me , the energy of storms infuses me with the knowledge of my own powers as a human being . It also has the humbling effect of reminding me that I am at the mercy of nature . I think I am awake because I need to write . Write what ? Just write . When I go for days without spending time at this keyboard , something dies in me . I feel incomplete , as though I have cheated myself out of one of my greatest pleasures , my most important outlet for self expession . Yesterday I admitted to myself that I am a little depressed , and I suppose that is true . This will help . It will also help when later this morning I bake the cheese straws I have been planning for two days . The butter is soft and the cheese is room temperature , and I will crank them out with a feeling of accomplishment . Cooking is good for me . I love the order of it all , the measuring and mixing , the resulting food that is good and that I can share with the people in my life . I lost the love of cooking when Clint got sick , and I am just now recovering it . It feels right . It feels like moving on and going back at the same time . A little as a year ago , typing was such a struggle that it wore me out , exhausted my body and my brain . Now my fingers fly across the keyboard and the words spill off their tips as quickly as they form in my head . It doesn 't matter what I write about . I need to write things down . I was in a funk yesterday because I discovered that beer is missing from my pantry and my refrigerator . Parrish drank it when he was here for Christmas , but I didn 't notice it until yesterday morning . I was not looking for it . I thought P was ready to spend some time with me here , but he is not . When he called me last night , I told him I knew he drank the beer . I said I was not mad . I said I was sad for him and for me . I said I was sorry for pushing him too hard , expecting too much of him so soon . All the time , though , I was wondering what would have been worse , him spending Christmas alone in his little apartment or being here and anxious and tempted to drink . My original idea of taking his meal to him was the right one , but I cannot undo what happened . Neither can he , and I wish he could give himself a break . He was not defensive but humble and respectful and expressed great shame . He admitted something I have been telling him for years and that is that being in my house makes him tense and anxious , brings up old feelings of shame and guilt that he is unable to let go . I pleaded with him to read Buddhist Boot Camp and try to immerse himself in the tenets of being present in the moment , learning to let go of the past . Night before last , after he spent a disturbing afternoon with Lawrence , I fetched him from his efficiency and brought him here for supper . I made some salmon and sweet potatoes out of the freezer , and after we ate , we sat for a couple of hours listening to classic rock music and playing music trivia . Between us we could name almost every band and most of the singers . We were both a little stuck on some of the composers , but we learned a lot while Googling . Neither one of us knew that John Fogarty wrote every one of Creedence 's top ten hits . He did not drink that night . We had a wonderful time together . He kept contrasting his afternoon at the cemetery with Lawrence with sitting in my living room listening to rock and roll with me . I kept urging him not to compare Lawrence and me , to accept the only kind of love his father can give him . I have a theory about Lawrence and the cemetery , and I think it is a valid one . He is incapable of showing love to the people who mean the most to him . He goes to the cemetery every three weeks and puts flowers on his parents ' graves , trying to make up for his inability to express his love to them while they were alive . It is very sad . Parrish found it disturbingly morbid and was unswayed when I tried to tell him that Lawrence 's behavior is understandable , that he is who he is because of where he came from - a family that did not express love . Clint used to have a cassette recording of a lecture by a man named Morris Massey , a sociologist . It is called " What You Are Is Where You Were When . " I wish I had those tapes . They explain how we are imprinted with our values and belief systems early in life , and that if they are not healthy , we must work to change them . Otherwise , we are stuck . If we never realize that we are stuck , we can never change . Lawrence is stuck . He was an unplanned addition to his family . His mother spent much of his childhood in a sanatorium for patients with tuberculosis , and he was not allowed in her presence for over five years . He essentially had no mother figure and because his father 's job kept him away from home most of the time , he was raised by his older brother , a good man but also a product of parents who did not know how to love , to express love . I want Parrish to understand something it took me years to internalize , and that is that Lawrence can no more help who he is than he can help being 71 years old . Parrish wants more ; he has always wanted more . I want him to learn to accept his father , his strengths and his weaknesses . Will it happen ? It can happen , but will P ever get beyond his father 's emotional unavailability ? That P and I could have a talk about these things is a major step in our developing a relationship that will work for us . He must not drink alcohol if we are to move forward . When he is drunk , he is a man I don 't know . He was not drunk on Christmas , thank God , but he did drink . He is stuck just as surely as his father is . P cannot accept his father back in his life without questioning whether or not he loves him . It is very difficult for both of them . And I am in the middle , an unenviable position . I finally accept Lawrence for who he is but it took 40 years for me come to this point . Do Lawrence and Parrish have enough time for them to reach this place ? It will take work . Lawrence does not know how to do the work . Will Parrish learn ? I cannot fix this . I cannot guide where it goes . I can only set my own limits and love both Parrish and Lawrence for who they are today , not for who they might be or for who they were in the past . The old me would be whining and moaning about this , asking myself and The Universe , " Why me ? Why do I have to do this again ? " I was to spend today visiting with Cuz , my dear friend , in Valdosta . He called early last night and said he was going into the hospital . Tears sprang to my eyes but I forced them back as I heard his painfully weak voice telling me that he was weak and constipated and in terrible pain . I knew things were not going well with his chemotherapy for stage four lung cancer because I had an email from him on Wednesday , saying he was in the infusion center for 8 hours that day for his " three hour " chemo treatment . He is anemic and was held over for a transfusion , and was to return for another on Thursday morning . When I read the email , I knew I had to go and see him . I haven 't been back since my visit in late September , and he didn 't feel good enough to come for Thanksgiving , even though I offered to drive over and pick him up . We talked briefly , agreeing that he would be in touch with me when he felt good enough to talk or email . He did not want me to come to Valdosta now . I could hear it in his voice , and I understood . I will see him when he is home . At a cerebral level , when Cuz was diagnosed with stage four cancer back in the summer , I knew that his life would be shortened , that without a miracle , he probably wouldn 't live another year . I have lived through loved ones being diagnosed with cancer and dying . Mary Ellen , another dear friend , lived only two months after her diagnosis of lung cancer . My brother John made it for a remarkable six years with renal cell carcinoma , four and a half of those years coming after his first metastatic lesions were found . I know this road , and at first I resented having to travel it again , so I dove under the cover of denial , telling myself that Cuz would defy all the odds . Resentment will not make this easier . It will only make me sick and less capable of being supportive and a positive force in what life Cuz has left . Statistically , his life expectancy from the time of diagnosis was eight months . He found the metastatic tumor on his forearm in mid August , four months ago . Does that mean he will die while I am in Paris this spring ? The possibility is real , but it never entered my mind while I was making my plans for the trip . When Mary Ellen was dying , I could not allow myself the luxury of denial . By the time she was diagnosed , she had huge tumors in her bones . I knew she would not live long . When John was sick , I actually believed that if I wanted him to live bad enough , he wouldn 't die . I thought I could will him to live . On the morning of his death , I still had not allowed myself to acknowledge that he was dying . That strong denial was what kept me from losing my mind at the thought of not having my baby brother in my life . I could not have borne the burden of mourning for him before he was gone . Though he did not die of cancer , I did not release my denial about my husband Clint 's terminal illness until five days before he passed away . Living with his illness and caring for him did not allow any room for the reality of his approaching death . It would have been too overwhelming , would have paralyzed me . Again , denial saved me from losing my mind . As it was , I became so depressed while he was sick that I was hospitalized for major depression eight months before he died . So , when Cuz got sick , I once more adopted the mantel of denial , believing at my core that he would somehow defy the odds and live a long time . Last night 's phone call from him stripped it away , and now I am faced with the real truth . He is going to die and maybe it will happen before he sees another summer . I haven 't cried yet , not really . My psychiatrist would advise me to watch a sad movie and let the tears flow , and she would be wise to do so . I need to cry about this and I need to cry a lot . But if I do , the reality of this horror will be undeniable . There . See ? I 'm still clinging to denial , attempting to save myself from the crippling pain of completely acknowledging the inevitable . If I hang to it , will I be better able to withstand the months to come ? Or , will I be stronger going into this one with my eyes wide open , be a more positive force in Cuz 's life ? I don 't know . I just don 't know . I need to give myself permission to " not know " for as long as I need to . This is so hard . No matter how many times I have to watch a dear one die , it will never be okay . It will always be horrid , no matter how I decide to process it . " This cancer may kill me , but it is NOT going to consume the rest of my life . It will be a fact in my life , but it will not BE my life . I refuse to give it that power over me and I am not praying to be cured , but rather to have the strength to live my life with dignity and grace . I can 't stand to be around complainers and I refuse to be one . " 39 years ago , on a Saturday night not unlike this one , in my mother 's living room here on Saint Simons , Clint and I were married . My mother 's dear friend , the Honorable Judge Anthony A . Alaimo , presided over the vows . His wife , Jean , accompanied him and she joined my mother and my brother John along with Rusty , Kristy and Robert Schlottman to witness our vows . Tony was stern and sincere in his delivery of the vows , and when the ceremony was over we felt very married . A man small in stature , he was huge of spirit . For the rest of his life , Clint accused me of bringing in " The Feds " to marry us up right . It worked . Our love grew over all the years of our time together , and we were more in love on the day Clint passed away than we were when we fell in love at first sight . After my years of protracted and complicated grief , I am happy again , feeding off the memories that are the fabric of our life together . I still miss Clint every day and I expect to for the rest of my life , but I am building a life without his physical presence . My move back to Saint Simons was the first step in my journey to re - discovering myself . Today , I made final plans for a two month stay in Paris during April and May . It is my next step on this road trip back to myself . I have a plane ticket , and Honey has an airline - approved carrier . Yes , I 'm taking her with me . I have rented a studio in a good neighborhood . A year ago , I could hardly walk , had no short term memory and was plagued with stress - driven illnesses . Today , I made plans to live for two months in a foreign country . It 's safe to say that this woman has come a long way . When I began to think about all the " coincidences " in my life of late , and there have been many , I was reminded of the theory of six degrees of separation . Frigyes Karinthy , an Hungarian author , playwright , poet and journalist , first put forth the theory in a very short story in 1929 . In the story , " Chain - Links , " he hypothesized that that any one person on earth can be connected to any other person on earth through a series of five or fewer acquaintance links . I found the story on the internet and read it . The fact that , in 1929 , Karinthy predicted the way our world communicates today is more than fascinating . When I moved home in August , I was reacquainted with The Famous Writer . Through him , I met the Drury brothers , Bob and Jim , and also Steve Applegate , whom they conscripted into service when they moved The Famous Writer into my flat for a planned visit of about three weeks . If you follow this blog , you know how that turned out . On the day of the move , I offered them refreshments and we sat down for a short visit . During the course of our getting acquainted , Jim invited us , my roommate Celeste , and The Famous Writer and me , to Music Night at his house any Wednesday night . The three men are accomplished musicians , and on every Wednesday , they get together at Jim 's house and , well , make music . Steve , a photographer , can make electric guitar talk , and he plays in a band called Stone Groove . Jim , a retired art teacher and visual artist , plays keyboards with a great deal of soul and creativity . Bob , a computer whiz and all - around bon vivant , plays acoustic guitar and electric guitar with contagious energy and flare . They all sing - really well . It was a couple of weeks before we made it to Jim 's on a Wednesday . Celeste was out of town , and it was before The Famous Writer morphed into a cranky old man , so I took him along . The energy in Jim 's house and the music that filled the air that night worked on me like a tonic , and I have rarely missed a Wednesday . These incredible musicians take turns choosing a song , improvising and sharing chord sequences , and each having such different styles , the end result is a melange of eclectic and soulful sounds . I look forward to it every week and always come away energized and positive and grateful to have been a part of it . Jim put together a song book , we call it The Hymnal , and from time to time I sing along . And I dance with the furniture . The six degrees of separation thing started on about my third visit to Jim 's . Steve , who is originally from Swainsboro , Georgia , and I were talking about something , I honestly forget what , when I mentioned my brother John 's name , and Steve said he remembered him . They had a connection through a mutual friend , and though they were not close friends , they were acquainted . Steve remembered John fondly , and I was pleased to find we had this parallel in our lives , that he had known my incredible brother . The weeks rocked by , and last week , Steve mentioned that his wife 's nephew , a young man named Kip Moore , is a rising star in the national country music scene . I said I thought that was cool and jotted down the name so I could Google him . Then I forgot all about it . My week was filled with family obligations and aggravations . I knew Steve was married and that his wife 's name was Janice , but until this Wednesday night , I had not met her . They came in the door together , and she and I shared a hug . After getting to know Steve , I was sure I would be crazy about her . And I was . We hugged again , a little tearfully , and I felt as though I had known this warm and welcoming woman all my life . She and John graduated from high school the same year , but she attended Brunswick High while John went to Glynn Academy . She lived in Brunswick . We lived on Saint Simons . They had a circle of mutual friends , John 's best friend , Larry McDonough , and his girlfriend , Emily to name only two . She also knew John 's girlfriend , Cindy . While the men made music , we sat at the table and reminisced about growing up " coastal . " She asked me who my friends were in high school , and I listed Mary Ellen Coleman and Cecie Cate and Mike Drury and Freddie Tullos and Donnie Livingston and a few more . She nodded in recognition . Steve piped in and said something about her nephew , Kip , the country singer . " Oh , yes ! Steve told me about him . It sounds as though he is on his way to the top . " " He 's definitely making a splash , " Janice replied " He didn 't win a American Country Award this year but he was nominated for Single of the Year by a male artist and for Single of the Year by a new artist . He 's wonderful , and we are all so proud of him . He 's a terrific young man . " I did not make the connection . I don 't know why , but I didn 't put Kip Moore and Stan Moore together . Stan was in my class at Glynn Academy . I could easily have included his name earlier in our conversation . My synapses began to activate . I did feel light - headed but didn 't swoon . It was sensory overload , connections falling on top of one another as they were . I met a woman the same age as my brother who called him her friend . Her brother was the same age as me and I knew him well and was very fond of him . They are both dead now . Until that night , Janice and I had never met , but in the course of a couple of hours , we established a strong connection . To make it all the more sweet , we like each other . It 's entirely conceivable that we might have met and had bad chemistry , but we didn 't . There 's an eerie symmetry to that . When in the course of our conversation , I mentioned my friend Mike Drury 's name ( no relation to Jim and Bob ) , Janice 's face lit up . And so it went . I 'm embarrassed to say that our newfound synchronicity kept Janice and me talking through most of the music . Every now and then , we piped in and sang along , but we were engrossed in how our stories meshed together . At the end of the evening , I knew I had a new and invaluable friend . So , the six degrees of separation thing goes like this : The phone rang at about eight o ' clock in the evening on Thursday , a week before Thanksgiving . It was Librarian from the University , calling to speak to The Famous Writer . We exchanged pleasantries and after a few minutes , I took the phone to the guest room where he had been holed up for the most part of two weeks . I knocked , and getting no response , pushed open the door . The room was dark and empty . When , in early October , I invited The Famous Writer to stay with us , he was to be here for three weeks while he prepared to move to College Town , where his archives are being installed at the library at the university . It was a cost cutting move for him because he was living in an expensive assisted living facility . I was delighted to have him . I suppose , as Rosemary , my friend and mentor suggested , it was because of my adventurous spirit that I opened my home to him . I knew there might be a few bumps in the road , but I was unprepared for the events that followed . The Famous Writer who came to visit morphed into another being from the gentle man I knew and loved over the years . After three weeks , he was still making calls and arrangements and seemed on the verge of nailing down his plans . Celeste and I offered to take him to College Town to rent a apartment , but when , a day before we were to to leave , he did not have a list of places to see , I said we wouldn 't take him until his plans were more fleshed out . That 's when he dove into a wine bottle and stayed there . So , four weeks into his three week stay , he was not only still here but he was drunk and mean and , in general , unacceptable . He rarely came out of the guest room and when he did , he was rude and sarcastic . He refused food for the most part , preferring a microwaved corn dog to freshly prepared meals . There is a saying that old doctors never retire , and I believe the same is true of old nurses . I could not help myself . I was concerned that The Famous Writer was dehydrated , taking in most of his calories in alcohol as he was and refusing to drink water . When he bristled at the idea of having some blood work done , I told him he would have to find another place to stay if he would not take care of himself . " I will not preside over you making yourself ill . You are my guest , and I am worried about you . Celeste is worried about you . We all are . " " Nice try , " I said . That kind of manipulative talk won 't work on me . It 's a great way to deflect energy and attention away from the real problem , which is you , but it won 't work with me . I survived my mother . " I should add that Stan and Al , long time friends of The Famous Writer , were here when he and I had this conversation . They came by to check on him after he refused to join them for their weekly lunch date . I took advantage of their presence so I would have witnesses to our conversation . If I know anything about narcissistic personalities it is that they are rarely accurate reporters of events which do not turn out to their satisfaction . " Kiss my ass , " I shot back . " You are not welcome to stay here with me if you continue down this path . I did not adopt you . Either let me call the doctor or call another friend to take you in . " I dressed and went to Coastal Kitchen to meet a friend for a drink and something to eat . When I came home , I brought The Famous Writer a grilled cheese sandwich . He refused it and did not come out of his room . He waved his arm at the boxes on the floor of the guest room . " There are some cans of ravioli over there some place . I 'll just eat some of that . " I went to the kitchen and prepared supper for myself . I was finishing my meal when The Famous Writer presented himself in the living room . He sat down and said we needed to talk to me about his life . He was weeping . " My life is like that of a championship fighter . Boxers have to win 150 fights before anyone takes them seriously . They are brave warriors who are never appreciated while they are alive . " I tried not to shoot wine through my nose . " She did not kill your father . She had dementia and when your father fell and could not get up , she did 't know who he was and was afraid of him . He lay on the floor for three days before you checked on them . I know that he later died in the hospital , but don 't try to tell me Alice killed him . " " Okay . When you lapse into a coma from dehydration and malnutrition , I 'll call an ambulance to pick you up and take you to the hospital . In the meantime , start making arrangements for another place to stay . " Three days went by without any action on The Famous Writer 's part . On Wednesday night , when I returned from an evening with friends , The Famous Writer 's light was on and the door was cracked . I stuck my head in the door and asked how he was doing . I ignored that remark , having heard it a number of times . I had stepped into the room and pulled off my sweater , and as I was turning to leave , I saw that there were two empty wine bottles on the floor behind his chair . I walked over and picked them up and realized they were from my wine rack . I bought them for special occasions , not for The Famous Writer to drink them out of the bottle while sulking in the guest room . " Leave my stuff the fuck alone ! It would never occur to me to come in here and mess with your things , take things that are not mine . You are drunk and sloppy and I am tired and angry . I 'm going to bed . Put that ridiculous gun away . " I walked out into the kitchen , and a few minutes later , I heard the door to the guest room close . When I looked around the corner , my purse and sweater were on a pile on the rug in the foyer . I went to bed . The next morning , when I needed a phone to return a call , I could not find a hand set . Realizing that both of them were probably in the room with The Famous Writer , I knocked on the guest room door and pushed it open . There was resistance , and I realized that he had barricaded himself in the room by pushing his wicker chest against the door . " I need a phone , and you need not barricade yourself against me since you are the one with the gun . " I let him sleep until 3 : 30 that afternoon when our mutual friend , David , arrived . He came to support me in my decision to give The Famous Writer immediate notice . " Pulling a gun out of your bag in an effort to intimidate me while we were in the middle of a disagreement was beyond any semblance of acceptable behavior . You may no longer stay here . Make arrangements to be out of here tomorrow , and in the meantime , give David the gun . " The negative energy in the house was so toxic that Honey was either hiding in the pantry , in the bottom of Celeste 's closet or behind my toilet . In spite of The Famous Writer 's behavior , I was not angry . I was fed up , exhausted with his negativism and his sarcasm and his egomaniacal behavior . He went back into the guest room and started making phone calls . David joined him , trying to facilitate some sort of exit for the old bastard . I went to the door and reiterated my demand that he be out of my house within 24 hours . The Famous Writer 's friend , Randy , arrived , saying The Famous Writer called him and asked him to drive him to Susan 's house . Susan is The Famous Writer 's ex - wife . Randy was on his way out of town to a recording session and didn 't have time to take anybody anywhere . David , who is as fed up with The Famous Writer as I am , declared that he would not take him to Susan 's without talking to her first . When he called her , she said The Famous Writer was not welcome her house . Celeste arrived from a trip out of town and immediately inserted herself into the chaos . She just wanted to help . There they all were , Celeste and Randy and David , in the room with a drunk and crazy man , trying to do something with him . Randy left , followed closely by David . Celeste , who has romanticized The Famous Writer from the moment she met him , seeing him as some sort of tragic tortured figure , fixed him a corn dog and took it to him . Then she joined me on the balcony for a cigarette and a glass of wine . About thirty minutes later , the phone call from the librarian came , and I took the phone to the guest room . " He 's not here ! I shouted . " " He is not in this apartment , " I said . I went down to the garage and out onto the lawn calling The Famous Writer 's name . No response . I came back upstairs and sat and thought about what I should do . I wanted to call the police . I wanted them to know a drunken and frail old man had walked away from my apartment in the dark of night . " He was on the phone with Susan earlier , I 'm sure she made arrangements for him to get to her house , " Celeste said . But I did worry . I called Susan , and without telling her that her ex - husband had flown the coop , asked if she had talked to him in the last thirty minutes or so . She denied having spoken to him at all . I worried some more . Then I called David . He 's the only person in this whole crazy cast of characters who has been able to maintain civil relationships with both The Famous Writer and Susan . He agreed with Celeste that they had cooked up some kind of scheme to get The Famous Writer to her house . I relaxed for a while . After three hours , though , I phoned the police . They came right away and got a description of The Famous Writer and said they would notify all the police units on the island to be on the look out for him . As they were walking out the door , David called to say the runaway was at Susan 's house . I grabbed the phone and punched in her number . I hung up the phone , feeling as though my erstwhile guest had done me the biggest favor in the world by walking away of his own volition . It would be several days before I learned that he actually did wander into the darkness of Gascoigne Bluff that night . Someone picked him up and took him to a store , where he called a cab to take him to Susan 's . The next day , Susan sent The Famous Writer packing to a hotel in Brunswick . The following week , I went to see him and invited him to share our Thanksgiving meal . He had fallen and was sore and crankier than usual . Since he didn 't have anything for pain , I actually gave him a couple of my pain pills to tide him over until he could get in touch with his doctor . I received a muted and muttered , " Thank you . " On Thanksgiving afternoon , Celeste drove to town and brought him over . The moment he entered the apartment , I was sorry he was here . He began to complain of pain , and when I asked if he had been in touch with his doctor , he snarled , Over and hour later , when he finally deigned to grace us and our other guests with his presence , he was critical , snarky and sullen . Since then , he has resided in what he refers to as a roach motel . I have called to check on him several times , and Celeste and David have been to see him on a couple of occasions and taken him food . He refuses to apologize to me for his dreadful behavior , somehow imagining that he is the wronged party . I will miss him like a person misses a toothache when it is gone . |
Once again Onika was sitting at her desk editing a story for the company 's magazine . It was going smoothly . She loved her job . As a pre - teen , magazines and models always fascinated her . She also loved writing and pointing out errors . That 's why the job was perfect for her . She always told her parents if editing magazines was an opportunity that passed like a ghost then she would want to become some type of teacher . The truthful thing is , if there 's something that you really want to do , you 'd do anything to make that happen . Sometimes it takes more effort than the other but it all pays off one day . An example of that would be how successful and happy she is . Noticing an incoming call from a familiar number , she lifted one hand off the keyboard and picked up the phone . After starting the conversation , she left the phone to her ears and pressed it onto her shoulders so she could continue writing . " Hello . " " Hey . " " Hey babe . What 's up ? " she asked . " Nothing much right now but I got called for something important at work so I 'm going to drop Heaven at my mom 's house . " " Oh okay . Well , thanks for telling me . " " No problem . How 's your working ? " " Oh , it 's going . It 's been a good day so far . " She sighed . " 5 more hours and I 'm out of here , " she smiled through the other line . " That 's good . I 'm going to go now , baby . I hav - " " Okay . I love you . " " I love you too , bye . " _ While exiting a conference room from an interview she had just given , Timothy informed her about some calls she had missed . That led her to rush over to both her phones . One of the calls she received on both phones was from Kenneth 's mom . What is it that she wanted or needed ? 5 hours hadn 't passed . More like 3 . She called back hoping that 13 minutes didn 't escalate what his mother had been calling for . " Hey , " she said . " I apologize . I was giving an interview . Is everything okay ? " " Yeah , hello Onika . I was trying to reach Ken but he won 't answer . I know this is bad but there is something urgent I have to take care of and I 'm not sure where Heaven would go because I can 't take her with me . I feel really bad and I - - " " What ? He won 't answer ? " " No , it 's been going straight to voice mail . Do you know where he went ? He didn 't tell me exactly . " " He told me he had something to do at work or something . Can you hold on for a moment , please ? " " Sure . " " Thank you . " She put her mother - in - law on hold and tried to call Kenneth herself . The same thing happened ; only voice mail . That left her kind of worried . " Hello ? " " Yes ? " " You know what ; I 'll come and pick Heaven up myself . I 'll be there as soon as I can . And I 'm sorry for time that has already been wasted . See you soon . " Onika hung up the phone and went to locate her boss and tell him she had a situation to deal with . He understood and was okay with her leaving early . She mentally hoped that in 2 hours things wouldn 't get hectic at work . Another day , another dollar . Another day , another problem . She drove through daylight , pondering upon everything . The feeling she was feeling was something she hated . She hated when one thought processed many others . It made her feel guilty . It made her feel like she had to be caution about every single thing . Once more Kenneth decides to be irresponsible and self - seeking . She couldn 't help but to think about the beginning stage . The strong , smiling , sweet - scented guy that made her laugh all the time . But then again , 7 years , on and off served its predetermined course . So lately the question that has been magnetic to her brain was , " Is it all worth it ? " Is it worth it to keep worrying ? Is it worth the tears ? She let go of all the thoughts with a sigh pulling into Sylvia , her mother - in - law 's driveway . She could see Sylvia pacing in her living room on the phone . Once Sylvia got a glimpse of her side , out the window , she gathered Heaven 's belongings . " Come Heaven . Mommy is here . " Onika practically ran up to the door , which had been opened for her . " Mommy ! I missed you , " Heaven smiled happily giving her mom a hug . " Look , thanks for watching her . I 'm sorry tha - " " Onika , you have nothing to be sorry about . Kenneth is the sorry one for not picking up his phone . I keep calling but nothi " Okay . Thank you ma . " Onika grabbed Heaven in her arms and went back to her car . The last thing she wanted to do was take her daughter home with her . She planned on getting down to business with Kenneth . Enough is enough . She flipped out her phone and called one of her dearest friends . " Hey Sierra . Good , you ? Oh , that 's great ! You 'll have him for the rest of the night ? I was wondering if Heaven can stay with you tonight ? I mean since your son is there , they 'd have each other , you know what I mean ? Great ! Thank you so very much , you 're the best . Okay sugar , I 'll see you soon . Mhm okay bye . " _ The light sky was now doing a transformation . It was lightly raining and becoming darker by the second . Onika focused her eyes on the clock while sitting on her living room sofa . It seemed like forever had passed by . Like anyone who had to wait in boredness , she grew frustrated . She had to leave work early because of a discrepancy . The situation shocked her to the bones because it was a first . Never did she have to leave work for something like this . Over and over she tried to call him but got only voicemail . Maybe she was disrupting him on the job ? Or maybe he was just being a jerk ? Who knew ? What she did know was she wasn 't happy . Why did so many hours pass and still no phone call ? Too many things rushed in and out of her mind . She thought the worst of things . A nap is what she wanted to take so when she woke up , he would be right there . Breathing in and out , she stood to go and look at the window seeing the light flash up on her house . A wave of relieve smacked her in the face . It was him . No , she didn 't unlock the door but instead , she went and sat back on the couch . He opened the door like everything was good . Once the door was locked , he turned to her with guilt written all over his face . " Hi ! " she quavered . " How are you ? " " Um I 'm good . How are you ? " " I 'm okay just missed you a little . " She got up to go to him but got delayed . He also gave her a unique look as to why she was so cheery . " Sit . I know you want to talk . " " Ooohh okay . . . " she said giving him a weird look . " I 'm sorry I 'm home a little late . The office threw a little party and I stayed . " " Yeah . My friend called me and told you that he saw you with someone in your car . . . " " Oh yeah , that was my friend who needed a ride home from work . I hope you don 't mind . " " Not at all . So . . . how was this little party ? What was it for ? " " It was . . . okay . A worker just got engaged & my boss wanted to do something special . " " Oh . . . nice . So did you talk to your mom ? Is Heaven okay ? I was going to call but I can 't seem to find my phone and I don 't know your mom 's number . " " No , I didn 't call . I 'm sure they 're okay . " " Well can you call her , please ? I want to just make sure . " " Okay then can you hand me the house phone since its right there ? " " Sure . Where 's your phone ? " " It 's freakin ' dead . " " Oh okay , here you go . " Kenneth only let it ring once before hanging up and saying she didn 't answer . She nodded her head but seconds later , she informed him that there was something lighting in his pocket . When he looked down , he cussed himself so many times in his head . His phone was on silent but he forgot to turn it off . " I thought your phone was dead ? What is that ? " " It looks like someone has your phone because your number is calling me . " " Kenneth ? " " Huh ? " " I said I thought your phone was dead ? " " Why are you freaking lying ? I 'm not crazy . You sat here and . . . " " I 'm not lying . When I went to use it , it said ' hook to charger . ' " " Oh God , " she gasped letting her head rest in her hands . " I 'm so stu . . . I 'm just acting a little bitchy because I 'm tired . Forgive me ? " " Yeah . . . " " I 'm sorry . Hug ? " " Seriously ? " " Okay . " " Okay then , " she yawned . " I 'm tired but I missed you . " She got up from the couch . Her arms stretched out to hug onto his chest . She laid her head on his chest and inhaled . " You smell good , " she fake grinned . " I don 't even know how you smell like this when I 've never smelled this soap before . I didn 't even know it existed in this house . Did you just buy it ? " " Uh . . . no . " " Well then how do you smell so good ? " she asked letting him go . " I did take a shower before I left . " " But like I was saying , I 've never smelled this soap before and plus , you had a long day . If I could get my soap to smell that strong even after all of a day 's labour , wow I 'd be shocked ! " " Yeah , maybe scrub a little harder next time you get in the shower . It might work for you . " " Oh , it might work for me ? All right , Kenneth . Enough with these games ; I know the truth . For one , it 's one thing to tell me you 're going to drop off Heaven because you had to do something important for work , but it 's another thing when your mother is trying to reach you to come and pick her up because she has something to do . " " Sh - " " Excuse me , I 'm not finished . Secondly , your phone has been off because I tried to call you and I got voice mail . And the simple fact that your phone is on now lets me know that you - - in the past 20 minutes - - turned it back on . So you know what happened ? I had to leave work early today to go and pick up our daughter and I 've been here ever since . Third , my friend did call me and tell me he saw you with someone in your car . That infuriated me and it made me really sad to think that but I know my friend wouldn 't lie about something like that . Would you like to tell me who that was ? " " My answer remains the same . " " Okay , " she said throwing it off . " Fourth , I know damn well that the soap you have on now didn 't last the whole day . Especially smelling like that ! I want to know where this soap is and when and where you took this shower . " " I took a shower this morning . " " You know what . . . okay . Continue to lie but you know what bewilders me ? Your daughter . . . your 2 year old daughter was waiting for you . Do you not feel any guilt with that or are you just too selfish ? " she said lowly being choked up " Yeah , I 'm so sorry about that . It was just spear of the moment . Where is she at ? ! " " So a spur of the moment turned into how many hours ? " she questioned pointing at the clock . " You really forgot about your daughter ? That 's puzzling to me . " " I didn 't forget about her . I figured she 'd be good with my mom . What the hell did my mom have to do that was so important ? " " Kenneth , what the hell did YOU have to do that was so important ? Heaven was your responsibility . Don 't try to pond this on your mother because she had more important things to do than you ! " " When I have worked to take care of , that 's important . " " Where were you ? " " Did I not just say I had work to take care of ? " " Well I don 't know what you consider work . So tell me what work is . " " Work is physical , hard labour . I did a lot of work today and I 'm tired so if you excuse me , I 'm going to go and talk to my daughter and lie myself down to sleep . " " What do you mean ? " " Heaven isn 't here . You don 't deserve to see her after what you 've done yet again . Why do you keep putting me through this ? I 'm your wife and you can 't even tell me what you were doing . " " I was working . " " I 'm not understanding why you 're lying . I KNOW YOU ' RE LYING ! It 's a fact ! Can you be a man , husband or father about it , please ? Why is it that your mother and I called a thousand times and you couldn 't pick up the phone ? You 're not going to sit here and tell me that you couldn 't take 60 seconds out of whatever you were doing to pick up your cell . What 's the point of having one if you 're not going to use it ? Where were you ? I 'm not going to ask again . Just tell me the truth . " " You seriously want the truth ? Because I 'm tired and I need some sleep . Your little hollering or whatever is giving me a headache . My hormones got a little crazy because I was turned on and I couldn 't control it . " " Hold on , wait . Let me comprehend this right . I 'm at work , your daughter is at your mom 's house waiting to be picked up and you were smashing some girl ? Am I off or is that accurate ? You put some random minx before your daughter ? " she said , punching him in the chest and hurt at the fact that she had to admit that her husband was with someone else . She didn 't look at him the same . His skin was now dirty and could never be cleaned of his lust . " You can 't be serious right now . I find that beyond pathetic . Why when I needed your affection , you didn 't show me any ? You wait ' til the office wants add more and more work and stress on me . Did I go out and screw the first guy I saw ? No . I come home every night tired from work and you think that excuse is going to cut it ? What the fuck do you do , huh ? Tell lies all your life ? " " Well what would you do if you needed some and you kept getting turned down ? " " Cater to your wife sometimes , Kenneth . Massage my back and my feet . Leave trails of kisses on my neck . Rub up and down my shoulders . Where 's the romance ? You don 't know how to be romantic ? I can 't be the general all the fucking time ! You need to try and stop being a punk loser . Make me want you . Get aggressive , Kenneth . But no , you all of a sudden don 't know any of these things . You don 't know how to catch your wife 's attention . " " No , no , no I don 't want to hear that shit . I 'm the only person that needs to be catered to . I 'm the man . " " She was right , " she mumbled to herself . " I work harder than you , Kenneth , " she finally admitted shaking her head up and down . " If you aren 't tired and worn out , you don 't do shit . I 'm fucking tired , okay ? I 'm sorry screwing you isn 't on my to do list every single fucking day , six times a day . You should be more considerate of what I go through . I 've always made up to you when I turned down from you . You 're just to dumb , blind and selfish to see that . I 'm so tired of your maltreatment simply because making sure we have a roof over our head and making sure we have what we need are necessities . I wouldn 't even be working . I 'd be here most of the times , but I 'm not ! I have my baby who depends on me . You know I waited up all night for you , went into work late and on top of all of that I had to get off early . This is all your fault , Kenneth . " " What are you trying to say ? You 're the one who has an issue not working and if I 'm not working , it 's a big deal . That 's on you . " " And you know something else ? " she continues . " If my mom were here , you 'd be in a choke hold right now . I can 't even believe you . " " If you don 't mind , I 'm kind of sleepy . . . " " So you 're okay with hurting me , Kenneth ? I feel like you 're taking advantage of me for some weird reason . You 'd rather go out and sleep around than try to fix our situation . I 'm so faithful to you and this is how you repay me . It 's obvious you don 't care about me or your daughter . You are such a dickhead loser . I can 't stand you anymore ! " " Onika . . . " " No , Kenneth ; there 's no Onika , " she cried stronger . " I have feelings and you 've poured so much fuel on my heart in which you have no guilt at all . You 've bruised me so bad with your actions . I 'm hurt . " " Onika , stop ! I 'm sor - " " No , you 're not sorry because you wouldn 't continue to disrespect me if you were . " " Look , I 'm exhausted . " " Great ! You can go upstairs and get all of your stuff . I don 't want you here tonight or any other night . I am so tired of the way that you 've been treating me . I don 't deserve this at all , " she snarled heading towards the dining room . " Oh , " she paused then chuckled . " I almost forgot . Here 's your 6 . 5K . We 're done , " she said taking the ring off and throwing it at his head . " I can 't and I won 't put up with this anymore . " Never in a hundred years would she have thought that this very day she would have to go throw something so heart breaking and even being in the situation itself . She cried oceans thinking about her daughter . She 's too young and won 't understand the concept of everything . She 's going to ask a million questions , but how would they be answered ? Who would be the one to answer them ? This was the end of her marriage . No more Ken and Onika . When one person ruins something , everything is ruined . The hurt deepened . Onika couldn 't get over how badly this would affect her daughter . She just couldn 't fathom having to commensurate everything at a time like this . For many hours she tried to figure out what she did . There wasn 't a good explanation though that entered her mind . And for hours , Kenneth stayed in the living room and enjoyed the TV , but why when she told him to go ? And why after he claimed to be so fatigued ? By then it started to shower and her own personal shower she cried for a long time had finally ceased . She needed someone . She needed someone who she was she close to . Someone . . . like her mother . Her and her mom remained close even living in two different states . It was hard at first to cope with that but then she got over it . Now being in a tough situation , she was forced to face the hardship again . She dialled up her mother 's number , biting on her lip . " Hello Onika . Long time no speak . How are you ? " There was killing silence for a moment . " Hey mom . " " Onika , have you been crying ? ! WHAT ' S wrong " And that right there is something you have to put aside . Does he want to be over too ? " " Mom , " she began to cry a little harder after a moment of thinking , " He didn 't have anything to say ! Nothing ! Can you believe that ? ! I don 't care what he wants but I don 't want to be with him anymore . I 've been putting up with too much from him . And I don 't know why he 's still here when I asked him to leave . " " He hasn 't said anything since ? " Just as she said that , he came in . " No , he just came in . . . " " What ? " he turned around . " I 'm not talking to you , " she responded sniffling . " But you 're talking about me ? " He leaped over to her pulling her off the bed by her wrist . " What are you doing ? " " ONIKA ! " her mother yelled through the line . " You have something to say , you say it to my face , " he said . " Stop ! You are hurting my wrist ! " " Yes you are . Let loose ! " Slowly he let loose of her wrist and continued to stare in her eyes . She punched him again right under his rib cage . " Don 't EVER touch me again like that ! You are out of your monkey ass mind ! Why are you still here anyway ? ! " she questioned screaming , looking ahead in the closet . " I asked you to leave . Get your stuff and go . " " Obviously not here . Get your belongings , Kenneth . " " Okay , cool . I 'll leave but I 'll be back tomorrow to see my daughter . " " Just get the fuck out ! " she yelled one last time . " You hurt me . I can 't even look at you . You think I want Heaven to see you ? No " She wiped her eyes again after tearing up again . " Onika , I will see my daughter . And that will be tomorrow ; enough said . " She went over and picked up her phone and told her mother she would call her back . After getting her to finally close her mouth and hang up the phone , Onika wandered around . She wasn 't about to stand in the pit of anger and lies . He finally got all of his stuff and began to exit the house . Not only did Kenneth cheat on Onika , but he cheated himself . Long after streaming out her eyes , she lies there in a foetal manner while her head press against a fluff pillow . Having cried for so long , her body tensed up . Her cherry red and puffy eyes stare to the sumptuous , earthy brown drapes . Many see curtains as a source of privacy or simply a blockage of light but her view brought a memory . There was a day when Kenneth came home cracking jokes while she had been up level . He was missing her so he wanted to do anything to keep that smile on her face for the rest of the night . He went over and hugged her from the front causing fire blazed red blush marks on her cheeks . Then he tried to place her on the bed with him on top but she didn 't want to . It was bad enough she couldn 't stop laughing but she figured , why not cause something quickly ? So as he was trying to place her on the mattress she took both her feet to tug at the bottom of the drapes , knocking them down . " Oops , " she said giggling while he turned around in awe . As he bent over to pick up the drapes , she kicked him in the butt and ran off . She stopped smiling and got up from her bed to wet her cold compress she had been using for her face . When entering her room again , her phone wouldn 't stop buzzing . She raced over and picked it up . " What ? " " Why did playboy come over to my house throwing accusations at me and thinking he was just going to barge in my house ? " she asked after hearing her friend 's stuffed voice . Onika stood up straighter . " WHAT ? ! Are you kidding me ? Why ? " " He said , ' I know you have my daughter here and she needs to come out now . I 'm not leaving here without her . ' " " Shana , I am so sorry . Tonight we were on different terms and I told him I wanted a divorce . " " Girl , what ? ! " " Yeah , " she said softly . " That 's why I didn 't call you to watch Heaven . I knew that wasn 't a smart thing to do . " " Now I 'm pissed because I was this close to getting my bat and beating his chicken legs ! Now that I know what happened , that makes me so mad , Onika . Who the hell does he think he is ? No one does that to my friend , I swear . If I see his ass , I swear it 's a done deal . " " I know . I wanted to slap him so many times but you know I 'm against animal abuse . " " She 's at Sierra 's house . I knew ' lil ' Tommy would be there so everything worked out . She 'll probably stay there for a while longer because Kenneth says he 's gonna come back tomorrow to see her . I don 't think so . " " Wow . I can 't believe this . " " I 'll be okay Shana but I have a headache so I 'll call you back tomorrow or so , okay ? " " All right . I hope you feel better . Let me know if that bastard comes back . My ass may very well just show up there tomorrow . But anyway , get some rest . " " Thank you Shana , I will . I love you and thanks for everything . " " I love you too . Bye . " Her bedroom was chilly and quiet . She laid back down , getting under the covers and letting her damp cloth rest over her eyes . She diluted her mind into thinking that everything would work out on its own terms but she would never know if she didn 't stay calm and patient . It was totally necessary to take it a day at a time . Her mom was right and she knew this . It was now passed 12 midnight and she just knew she would have a difficult time sleeping , but only to her surprise , her thoughts were put away and she dreamed lifelessly . . . . Today was the day that Aubrey went back to work . The year was up and he now had a full schedule of auditions . It was 7 : 30 am and Kitziah was eating her breakfast that she so happily prepared earlier . - Our usual spot … - Oh … Call me in an hour . - Okay . - Love you ken - Love you too kitz With that sent Kitziah finished her breakfast after she set her phone down on the breakfast table . " Thank you . " Kitziah nodded and sat down next to him at the breakfast table . " Who you texting ? " She asked with curiosity . " Noah , he is telling me my schedule for this week . " " Oh . " Kitziah was happy that the years were up . Kitziah liked it when he was working ; the responsibility and authority was very attractive . " Looks like my audition finishes at 11 : 30 , we can spend lunch together ? " Aubrey set his phone down . " Sure , I would love to . " She watched him finish his breakfast . She really did love this man . She started to kiss on his neck as he ate . " Oh crap , work ! " Kitziah grabbed the phone on the table but what she didn 't realise was that the phone wasn 't hers . " Bye , baby " she said rushing out the door . They had the same phone , iPhone , but Kitziah 's case had broken so they were both identical . " Bye " He chuckled . It had been days after waiting up all night and Aubrey and Kitziah had been getting along a little better . Kitziah spent more time at home and that made Aubrey feel a little better . They did bicker a lot but her being under his arm with no distractions made him feel better . After Aubrey ate his food , he put the dishes in the sink and cleared off the table and counters . He had time to do that since he was already dressed . He grabbed his stuff after and went off to the audition . This being the first time Aubrey had done this in a year , he wanted to be there early . He sat in the waiting room with all the other male actors . He use this time to reflect on the day 's events , even though the day just began . He was very much in shock about this morning with Kitziah actions ; she was more affectionate with him . It kind of felt weird but good at the same time . Also he felt her presence there , usually she would be miles away . The old Kitziah was back . Aubrey just couldn 't wait for their lunch date this afternoon . He missed his wife . Aubrey picked up a magazine to pass time . Once he finished reading the magazine front to back , he fingered he would play some games on ' his ' phone . He pulled it out of his pocket to find 1 new message . The only thing was there was a lock and he knew he didn 't have a lock on his phone . He played around with it and after 5 tries , he got into it . It definitely wasn 't his phone but the pin to the phone was a number that was special to both him and Kitziah . Maybe she thought he forgot all about that number or something . His eyes aggrandized after reading 1 new text message : [ Baby , Come to the usual spot tonight , I 'm feeling down . I need you . Love you - Kenneth ] " Who the FUCK is Kenneth ? " Aubrey exclaimed angrily in a not so loud environment . The whole room looked at him so he looked down at the phone , he thought was his realising it was his wife . ' She most have taken the wrong phone ' Aubrey whispered to himself again . " Who the the heck is Kenneth . " Aubrey could see himself getting heated . ' She is cheating . ' he thought . ' That explains the privacy , random thoughts . . . " He snapped back into reality hearing his name being called . " Aubrey Ellis " the assistant called out his name . She smiled as he stood up ; she must have recognized him but she frowned when he turn the other direction towards the door . He was so heated this point , local people could see the steam that escaped his ears and nose . Aubrey was doing 60 on a 30 lane he could honestly say he didn 't give a fuck . He just didn 't understand how his wife of 2years has been cheating on him . He had been faithful , he treated her right . This is the most hurtful thing that had ever happened to Aubrey and he didn 't know how to deal with it . With an estimate , it might have taken a half an hour at the most to get to Kitziah 's job from where he was at . That 's one thing that kind of threw him off was the distance from his house to the audition . It didn 't matter now . He was heated and could care less if he got a ticket . As a surprise , he got to her job without getting a ticket . He whipped his Mercedes in an underground parking lot . He had a sea of anger shutting his door and going to her job from the basement . He got off the elevator and went up to the front desk . He just knew he had to calm down a little being in that kind of environment . A lady was trying to explain to him he would have to wear the visitor tag and wait until she could locate Kitziah . He wouldn 't budge . He kept telling her he was Kitziah 's husband and it was important . He finally settled down and sat in the waiting room . No more than 3 minutes , the clerk alerted him he could go up to her office . On his was there , there was an exquisite lady walking passed who smiled politely . Although he was still mad , he calmed down . " Good morning , " Onika said . " Baby you 're early . I haven 't even been here for 3 hours , " she started . " Oh well , I will get someone to cover for me . " " There 's no need for that , " he said taking her phone out his pocket and slamming it on her desk . " You took my phone ! " " Oh , I 'm sorry . Well let me get yours . " As she turned from the top drawer and headed over to her purse at her desk , Aubrey looked at her in disgust . " Who 's Kenneth ? ! " " What ? " " You heard me , Kitziah . Who the hell is Kenneth ? " " Lower your voice , Aubrey . You are in my office ; not at a concert . " " I don 't give a fuck ! " he yelled . " Who is Kenneth ? He 's right here in your messages and shit . " " How did you get in my phone , anyway ? ! Huh ? ! " " Kitziah . . . I 'm going to ask you one more fucking time . Who is Kenneth ? " " He 's my friend ! I DON ' T think it 's okay or fair that you took my phone , broke into it and looked through my stuff , Aubrey . I 'm pretty sure you 've got some things on this thing too , " she argued pulling out his phone . He smiled . " Oh you can go ahead and look because I don 't have a lock on my phone . I can show you what faithful looks like . " Her body began to shake as she bit on her bottom lip . " Aubrey . . . " she started . But then somehow trying to listen to her defense pissed him off again . " Kitziah , I advise you to come and get your belongings and get out of my house . " He has legal rights . Her name isn 't anywhere on the papers . " What ? ! " " Nah , don 't act all surprised now . How you gon ' sit there and fucking play with me ? Maybe your ass should have been the one at the audition ' cuz you 're a superb actress ! Trying to sit up there and act like the perfect wife again when you 're out there two - timing . Tuh ! " " But Aubr - " " I 've had enough of your excuses . Real shit , I don 't want to hear it anymore so just stop . " " And just where am I going to go ? " she tried to quietly ask herself . If she were to go with Kenneth , it wouldn 't feel right . " He wants you at your spot tonight , so pack your shit and stay with that nigga ! " " I wasn 't talking to you ! " " And here comes this attitude again . I knew it wouldn 't last . I want a divorce , " he said grabbing for the door . " Good bye , Kitziah . " He walked out calmly , leaving her door open . One of her peers happen to be on their way to her office . Many people didn 't walk passed her office because it was around a corner and all the way in the back . The only other reason was for the room across from hers . Cindy came in after seeing Kitziah 's arm folded on her desk and her head in the middle . She immediately came in and sat some files on her desk then skipped over to her . Kitziah was weeping while her feet tapped a tune . " Kitziah ? What 's wrong ? " Meanwhile , Aubrey was through . He just wanted to go home . He would even do her a favor by starting to pack some of her stuff . He stopped by the store and picked up some boxes . If he was going to just go home , why not ? It would make him feel better when she came to pick them up ; she wouldn 't be there that long . And he was prepared if she tried to small talk him bout he wasn 't going to give in . He got to his house and began to pack . COMMENT PLEASE By the time Aubrey awoke , the sun had already risen above the mountains . Kitziah had left for work many hours ago leaving him in his deep slumber . She even left a small kiss on his cheek . Just maybe he dreamed in his sleep that he got more than that . way . I 'm sorry to say this , but she 's been acting bitchy . " He didn 't want to show disrespect . " Oh wow , " she said " Yeah ? " she answered , cleared of all fear and nervousness . " You didn 't come home yesterday , didn 't even call me and all you have to say is yeah ? That 's really all ? I waited up for you not knowing where on Earth you were . You were too selfish and prissy to pick up the phone and let your husband know where you were ? Would you care to inform me of that ? " " I had a lot on my mental . I just needed to be alone . It 's early , Aubrey . Can we just go and get some sleep ? I 'm sorry . " " No , you 're not sorry . And we , " he emphasized , pointing to her and himself with his index finger , " would have gotten some sleep if you would have come home last night like you were supposed to . . . like any normal person would . Why is it okay for you to do something like this ? Granted it was me , all my shit would be burned up right now . Who do you think you are ? " " Aubrey , please . I 'm sorry . " She put her head down and rubbed her forehead . She had to realize that she was giving him a hard time and he had every right to be upset . " Okay . . . " she said following him up the stairs . He slowly walked up the steps , her just tip - toeing . He honestly just wanted to lie down and sleep . Once they got into the room , Aubrey went straight to the bed and Kitziah began removing her light jacket . She let her hair out of the pony tail and sat her bag down on the emerald glass table . Then she climbed into the bed with him . He was lying on his side facing the wall . That 's how he always slept ; not that he was purposely not trying to look at her Her body became comfortable within a few moments . That 's when she reached her hand over his rib cage . Not wanting to be touched , he dissociated her soft hand from off his side . And it was placed there again . She rolled over on her back and gazed at the ceiling . Now she was feeling more guilty . More desperate for him to let it go . Obviously it wasn 't happening then . What he wasn 't getting was why couldn 't she accept the fact the she did wrong and had to face the consequences of it ? After a modicum of mysterious minutes terminated , she got up from the bed and trailed over to his side . Of course his eyes were closed but there was nothing covering his body except for his clothes . She loved watching him sleep like he liked watching her sleep . Both displayed cuteness . Although he might have felt a shadow of some sort above him , he hadn 't opened his eyes . She leaned down letting an arm slide down his back and kissed his lips , slow and sensual . His eyes shot open like a Jack in the box . He let out no other words . He closed his eyes and hoped that she 'd go . Eventually she did after she kissed his cheek and said , " I love you , baby . Even if you 're a little upset . " good people . They just fell in love twice . If you fall in love with two people , you pick the second . If you really loved the first person , you wouldn 't have fallen |
Country Humor . The Good ? ? Ole Days . Just a collection of stories , thoughts and memories of growing up in oklahoma . Most of them will involve my best friend of the last 55 years , Stanley Johnson . I hope one day to have his versions on here also because I 'm sure our memories don 't always match . Hunting has always been a large part of Stanley and my life . We both started hunting when we were very young although for a lot of years that meant following someone else around and fetching and carrying for them . Neither of us really minded that because any excuse to be out in the woods was a good one of course neither of us could wait until we were able to go hunting by ourselves which we again both started at a young age . Most country kids did the same thing so we were by no means an exception to the rule and most country kids did it for the same reason we did , the thrill of the hunt and to put meat on the table . I don 't want any of you think that we were totally blood thirsty little savages out killing everything that was big enough to die . Yes , we hunted for food but that was only part of the reason . If we didn 't find anything it wasn 't like our families were going to go hungry we just liked wild game and it was a nice extra but it was the hunt that was important . We used to hunt deer in the summer time with no intention of shooting them , for one thing it was against the law but the main reason we were out there was as an excuse to be out in the woods and to see if we could sneak upon them . I 've been out in the woods many a day before daylight , sitting up in a tree watching a trail just for the enjoyment of watching them . The fact that I could enjoy hunting without actually shooting anything really came home to me the year I was sixteen . I was spending a little time in Arizona that year and I got the chance to go hunting with my Grandpa . He was going to go deer hunting that year and since I was out there he told me I could tag along with him . We went to the store to get out licenses and while we were there he entered a lottery . No it wasn 't the kind where you win money it was for a tag to hunt desert bighorn sheep . He told me he 'd been entering it for over twenty years and had never won . He also explained that it was a once in a lifetime chance . If you were drawn that was it weather you got a sheep or not you couldn 't put in for it again . It only cost five dollars so I decided to enter myself even though Grandpa thought it was a waste of money because he figured I 'd only be there during hunting season that one time . Needless to say , Grandpa lost for the twenty first time and I got drawn . I was the only one that would be able to hunt the sheep but I could take him along to help me and he could hunt deer while we were out so I thought that would work out . For the next couple of weeks I wasn 't sure he was going to go along with it though . Every time I saw him during those two weeks he was always mumbling something about dumb luck and people not deserving what they got and general ignoring me , but the day before I was set to leave he finally came around and agreed to go with me . Hunting those things was a lot harder than I thought it would be . You would think that anything living out in the Arizona desert would be pretty easy to find but if you think that you 'd be just as wrong as I was . Finding deer in the woods back home was a cake walk compared to this . We left camp before daylight and didn 't get back until after dark every day and didn 't even see a track until the third day . Plus , I loved my Grandpa dearly but for someone that had never actually hunted seep the only time he quit giving me advice was when he was asleep ! We only had seven days to fill the tag and if you didn 't get one during that season then you were done forever and we were starting to get a little nervous . Our luck turned on the fourth day . About mid morning we spotted a small flock of ewes in the distance . We crawled to the top of ridge and got the binoculars so we could check them out . You couldn 't shoot a ewe but luck was with us because lying above them on the hill was a group of at least three rams . We were still too far away to really get a good look at their horns so we had to crawl back down the ridge and work our way through the brush to the next hill . By the time we had made to the top of that one and got in a position to check out the rams they were all standing and we got a good look at the horns . Now most of the time when I was deer hunting down home horns didn 't mean a whole lot to me . We had a buck only season there but I never really cared about how big they were , I was hunting for meat and you can 't cook horns . This time , however , the horns were really important . I wasn 't real fond of sheep meat but since this was going to be my one and only chance to ever hunt these bighorns I was planning on eating whatever we got but I really had my heart set on a full curl ( that just means that their horns curl all the way around , the best ones will have horns where the points are past their jaw line ) . If you 're going to hunt what is mainly a trophy animal it might as well be a good one . Right there is where my first real argument with my Grandpa happened . Of the three rams we were looking at , two of them had about a half curl and the other had , maybe . a three quarter curl . We were only a couple of hundred yards from the biggest one and Grandpa was telling me all about how to take the shot . He was sure I 'd be able to get the big one and it was tempting . I kept looking at him through the scope and I will admit he was a nice healthy looking ram but the longer I looked the more I kept think that this would be my only chance and did I really want to settle for something that I didn 't really want ? No I didn 't . When I lowered my rifle and told Grandpa I wasn 't going to settle for anything less than a full curl he just stared at me like I had lost my mind . He never said a word right then he just lay there and watched all three rams walk of the hill and disappear . It was just barley noon by then but as soon as the sheep were gone he stood up and headed back to camp . I continued to hunt until dark , not because I was really expecting to find anything I was staying away from camp and hoping he would have time to calm down . He didn 't yell or anything when he was mad , he just gave you these looks that let you know he was really disappointed in you . Have you ever had " The Look " from a parent or grandparent ? If so then you know what I mean . They can hurt a lot worse than any spanking you could ever get . He seemed to be a little calmer by the time I got back to camp and I tried to explain why I had passed on the shot that day and why I really wanted to wait and see if we could find the right animal . I 'm not sure he really understood . I think part of the problem was that he had been trying for so long just to be able to hunt sheep and he just couldn 't understand why I would be willing to pass up what he considered a sure thing and take a chance on what he considered to waste my only chance . I tried to tell him how beautiful the sheep were to me and how good it made you feel just to be able to see them wondering across the desert . I even told him that I wished I haI didn 't get any ram the hunt . We saw the same herd a few more times , even got within shooting range a few times . I enjoyed every time we got close to them . Doing nothing but laying in the sun and watching them . I know Grandpa and a lot of other people would think I was crazy for passing up a chance like that but I just couldn 't see any reason to take the life of something just to be able to say I had . Grandpa never did really forgive me though . He continued to enter the lottery the rest of his life and never did get selected . He also spent the rest of his life telling everyone about his dumb grandson who had been selected and just " threw it away " Once a few years later he was telling one of his friends the story and I was sitting there embarrassed as usual but that time when he was finished with the story and got up to go back in the house , he patted me on the shoulder and smiled . Please excuse my rambling here . I 'm bored and when I can 't think of anything interesting to write I do tend to ramble . Kind of like the homeless guys you see on the street wondering around muttering to them selves except I do it here . Since I used to spend most of my time wondering around in the woods I had several " hide outs " scattered around down home . Why ? Most of them were places I could take shelter in if I got caught out in a storm . Some of them were places I could go to be alone and think about life and the troubles I thought I was having with it . Teenage brains are always full of the trials and tribulations that life puts us through . A few of them fulfilled my never ending obsession with being able to live like a mountain man , or at least what my imagination told me was the mountain man life style . Some were nothing more that prepared camping spots for Stanley and me . Good hideouts required a couple of things that made them different than a normal camping spot . They needed to have limited access . You had to be able to at least think you were the only one that knew about them . They needed to be close to a source of water for drinking and for cooking . They had to offer protection from the weather . That could be a hard one because of the storms we get in Oklahoma . You needed to stay out of the rain yet still be able to watch the storm , storm watching was a great pastime . There also needed to be a ready source of firewood close by because even in the summer and even though we might not need to cook anything there is just something about camping in the woods at night that requires a fire . There was a big hollow oak log on my uncle 's place . The tree had been blown over by a wind storm . All the limbs were gone and but the trunk was still attached and the hollow center of it was over ten feet long . It was laying with the broken end tilted down just enough to keep the rain out . It was a perfect place to wiggle back in feet first and watch a good thunder storm . I 've even spent a few nights camped out in it . Another was an old cellar that hadn 't totally caved in . The only thing left of the original home place was a couple of walls . I cleaned out most of the caved in dirt from the inside and made a door out of limbs and brush . The good thing about that one was that it was cool in the summer and as long as I checked it out each time for snakes it made a nice place to take a break on hot summer days . The other good point was that there were still remnants of an old garden behind the house . I could find tomatoes and sometimes cucumbers and okra . One thing about Oklahoma is that there are lots of things to eat that grow wild but I would never pass up the chance for a few garden grown veggies to go along with whatever fish or game I could come up with . One of my favorite spots was a cave above the road on the way to the old Indian cemetery . It wasn 't a huge cave ; actually it was more like a big over hand in a rock cliff near the top of a hill . There were only two ways of getting to it . One was to climb down from the top of the hill . As long as you were careful you could lower yourself down the cliff face and get your feet on a narrow ledge . If you kept flat against the cliff you could bring your hands down to a small crack in the rocks and kind of shuffle sideways until you were able to reach the ledge in front of the cave . That wasn 't a bad way to get there and I did it pretty often and only fell once . That time wasn 't too bad because it was only about thirty feet or so to the ground and some tree branches broke my fall anyway . The other way was from the bottom by climbing a big oak tree , shuffling out as far as I could get on the end of a branch and jumping over to grab the edge of the ledge . I fell a few times until I finally got the hang of that one . Once you were in the cave you had a nice flat bottom to sit on and admire the view . This was another good spot to watch the storms . There was enough of an overhang to keep the rain out as long as the wind wasn 't blowing too hard . I spent one stormy afternoon sitting up there and got to watch a tornado cross the valley to the north . That was the closest I 'd ever seen one . It was also a great place for deer hunting because a well used trail crossed the hill side right below it . I spent many an hour laying up there and watching everything from squirrels to bobcats to deer pass by on that trail . The only live wolf I ever saw in Oklahoma was walking down that trail . I used to lay up there and wonder if any prehistoric hunters had ever lain in the same spot to watch for game . I never found any sign that anyone else had ever even in that spot but it was fun to dream . There was plenty of good fishing across the road in Salt Creek so I always kept hooks and line stored there . There was even a nice stand of cane not too far away so where I was able to cut a pole . I also stocked a couple of pots and a skillet there along with a few candles and a couple of blankets just in case I wanted to spend the night , which I did quite often . The nice thing about having all these hide outs was that it kept me from having to pack a lot of stuff with me when I went out prowling the woods . No matter where I went there was at least one spot within a couple of miles where I could hole up if I wanted and I tried to keep them stocked with whatever bits and pieces of camping gear I could find . I even learned to cook hanging out in these places . Well , I learned how to eat burnt or half raw food at least . Stanley and I had some good meals while we were out but it was mostly just dumb luck when they came out right . We do pretty well with fish by covering them with mud and burying them in the campfire coals . If you got them right you didn 't even need to scale them because you would pull off the skin when you broke the mud away . Stew wasn 't too bad ; we 'd through everything we could find in a pot and let it sit there bubbling away beside the fire until we got hungry and the good thing was you could always take a little bite to see if it was done . Stanley and I both lucked out by not being allergic to anything down home so one of our best hide outs was a camping spot in the middle of a huge patch of poison ivy . Most all the kids knew what that stuff looked like so we didn 't have to worry about too many people bothering us while we were in that one . I did make a small error with a hide out once . I had read in some book about Wikieups that some the Native Americans lived in and was forever trying to pile sticks together to make one . I found the perfect place to try again in a grove of persimmon trees . I came up with the great idea that instead of leaning a bunch of tree branches together I could bend the persimmon trees down and tie their tops together . I could make whatever size wikieup I wanted too by just picking out trees that were farther apart . The frame went really well . I had gathered up a bunch of baling wire from down where Charlie Condren feed his cows that I could use to tie the tops together . By bending the trees down , cutting off the tops and wiring what was left together I ended up with a frame that was about six feet across , roughly circular and about six feet tall at the highest point . That took me most of a day but I was pretty proud of it , now all I had to do was figure out a way to cover the sides . I thought about trying " wattle and dob " . I had read about that one also . It is the way people built houses in Europe and consisted of making a wooden frame and covering it with mud . I had to give up on that idea when I realized that the closest source of water was a tiny creek a couple of hundred yards away that I didn 't think had enough water to make mud . Plus I had only read about it and didn 't really have the faintest idea of how to do it and with the storms we had in Oklahoma I wasn 't sure mud walls would last past the first thunder storm . What I did do was stop by a couple of ponds of the way up there the next day and cut all the thin willow branches I could carry . I wove the branches horizontally around the frame then started I spent a few days laying up there for the next couple of weeks . I kept adding more leaves to it and found that it was a lot cooler just from being in out of the sun . I was beginning to think that the Natives had found a good house plan . I was finally able to spend the night in early May . It was a beautiful spring day when I left the house but by the time I got to the wikieup it was starting to could up in the west . I didn 't worry too much about it , I had a nice shelter with enough room to put a couple of blankets on one side and still have enough room to build a fire in the center . I had left a small opening at the top to allow smoke to escape and keep the air pretty clear . By the time I had gathered some wood and had a fire going there were some serious thunder heads building and it looked like they were coming my way . I was sitting inside trying to weave a seat that I could lean back in like I had seen in a movie when the storm finally got to me . I was really proud of what I had built at first because there was just a little rain and it was looking like I had managed to make the walls pretty water proof . The only rain that was getting was a tiny bit through the smoke hole which wasn 't enough to bother me . Next came the lighting and thunder and again I felt pretty good . It never even crossed my mind that I might be in danger from the lighting and thunder is just noise so I kept working on my seat . Then the real rain started ! I found out pretty quick that in spite of all the leaves and branches I had added my wikieup definitely wasn 't one hundred percent water proof . I had to drag my blankets over to a different spot to keep them out of the rain . It was too late to do anything about the leaks , it was raining hard enough to have drowned me if I had tried to go out and add any more to the walls . I did have one spot that was still dry so I figured I 'd be OK for that night at least . The one thing I had over looked about Oklahoma storms was the wind . When the first big gust hit and kind of moved the whole shePosted by Thinking back on it there was a time when it just killed both Stanley and me to walk to the store or to even take the garbage out ( kind of my kids ) yet when we decided to do something we wanted to do like go hunting or down to the river to go fishing it didn 't bother either of us to was ten miles . Strange how that works . After Stanley had moved to Schulter he came down to the house one day and got to listen to me complaining about having to go out and gather eggs . It was hard you know ! I would have had to walk at least fifty feet , one way ! Plus , go through all the nests and gather the eggs and then walk all the way back to the house . With a lot of grumbling and Stanley 's help I did get it done . I had too or Grandma wouldn 't have let us go wonder around . We walked down to the rail road tracks close to the house to see if we could find any black berries . We didn 't see any so we just started walking up the tracks toward Okmulgee . We weren 't really going anywhere , it was just one of those lazy Oklahoma days and we wanted to be out of the house and away from anyone that think up some work for us to do . We were wondering along lacking away about nothing when Stanley saw a rabbit on the tracks ahead of us . We weren 't hunting that day so the only thing we could do was throw some rocks at it . Stanley was pretty sure he had hit it , although it looked to me like he had missed it by a mile but since he was sure we went running up to see if we could find it . No sign of it when we got there so we kept walking up the tracks arguing about whether he had hit it or not . The next thing we knew we were at Salt Creek so of course we had to go down under the bridge and see if there were any snakes or fish down there . The only thing we found was one little bitty water snake , it wasn 't even a cottonmouth so we climbed back to the tracks and kept going the same way . The next interesting thing we came to was the rail road over Deepfork River . We were a little worried about crossing that ; we didn 't want to meet a train halfway across . We finally built up enough nerve to go for it ( truth be known we dared each other to cross it and since neither of us wanted to look like a chicken in front of the other , away we went ) . Once we got to the middle and hadn 't seen any trains or curiosity kicked in , we should have remembered what happens to cats when that kicks in but we didn 't . We just had to see if we could climb down that bridge all the way to the river . It wasn 't all that easy to climb down but it wasn 't all that easy either . We weren 't able to get all the way to the water because neither of us bothered to notice that the bottom beams was a good ten foot above the water but at least we made it to that beam . Once we at the bottom we just had to see if we could walk across the beams . Did we even think about the fact we were walking across eight inch beam ten feet above a river ? What do you think ? Here 's where our superior intelligence really kicked in . We walked those beams across the rest of the river and then turned around and walked them back to the middle where we decide to climb back up . If we would have had a little common since instead of intelligence we might have thought to just get off the bridge at the bank and walk up to the tracks , but no , we had to climb back up at the same place we had climbed down . Getting back up was quite a bit harder than going down but we were making it . We were up to the last beam and all we had to do was pull ourselves up to the track when Stanley said he thought he could feel the bridge shaking . We both looked down the track and sure enough we had found the train . I don 't know if any of you have ever held onto a wooden bridge post and had a train go by you about three feet over your head so I will tell you , it gets a little tense and very noisy . I never knew how much a bridge moves when a train is going across it and I do beliAfter enjoying the view for awhile we climbed back down and headed back over to the tracks . We weren 't sure what to do next but since we could see downtown Okmulgee from the top of the stack we figured we had to be close so we just kept wondering that way . Every time we had gone to Okmulgee before it had always been on the highway so we were getting a totally different look at things by being on the tracks . We weren 't walking very fast so I 'm not sure how long it took us to get to the point where we realized we were at the main street of town and since we were that close we might as well go check it out . Downtown Okmulgee is pretty neat . We wondered around the courthouse square for awhile checking out all the stores and scheming on how we could get a few of the squirrels that were running all over the place . We stopped and checked out the radio station and were listening to the music from the speaker outside . Stanley came up with a rubber ball from somewhere . We could see the DJ on the other side of the window and Stanley was bouncing his ball on the sidewalk . I had no idea what he was doing until the DJ announced over the speaker that some crazy kid was bouncing his ball outside so he figure he wanted to hear Red Rubber Ball and started playing it . Stanley was pretty tickled with himself over that one . It was getting pretty late in the evening by then and we decided we 'd better get headed back home . We hadn 't even thought of the time or how far we were from home or how long it was going to take us to get there . We ended up walking back to the highway and all the way to the edge of town when Toy Stidman happen to come driving by and offered us a ride which by then we were more than happy to take . There are a lot of old coal mines down home . There were at least ten that were within walking distance of the house and Stanley and I have been in all of them ( nobody ever accused us of being real smart ) . One of the bigger was the Starr . I remember my dad and Lloyd Stidman hauling props to that mine when I was a kid ( props were the timbers they used to " prop " up the mine . I even remember when they shut it down because my uncles had the job of tearing all the building down , but the main thing I remember about it was the frogs . There was a huge concrete pit down there . I have no idea what they used it for . It must have been twenty to thirty feet long , twenty feet wide and ten feet deep . There was a road along one side of it and on the opposite side of that road was a concrete tunnel that sloped down to the bottom of it . I might have been something they use to load coal out of ; all I knew was that there was water in the bottom of it . Having water in the bottom of a big pit wasn 't anything out of the ordinary down home but the one thing that was is the number of bullfrogs that lived in this one . There were a lot of weeds growing in the water at the bottom plus lots of junk laying on the bottom for them to sit on . It must have had some really good frog food down there because I could stand at the top and see a couple of dozen frogs down there including three really big ones . One thing we really liked eating back then was frog legs and as soon as I saw those big ones it became my goal in life to take them home to dinner ! The first time I saw them was when I was out helping Jimmy Lee set mouse traps ( live traps that is . We would catch mice on one side of the valley , Jimmy Lee would tag them and we 'd take them to the other side of the valley and turn them loose . He was checking to see if they could find their way home . ) Anyway , that first time we didn 't have any way of catching those frogs . We tried going down the ramp and trying to sneak up on them but we couldn 't get close enough grab them before they jumped in the water and took off . The water was too deep with too much junk in it to be able to wade out in and try to catch them that way so we had to write them off that day but I just couldn 't get them out of my mind . I headed back up there a couple of days later figuring for sure I 'd be able to catch them . I had found an old frog gig in my uncles tool shed and I knew where a grove of sassafras trees were where I would be able to cut a nice straight pole for it . For those of you who haven 't had the pleasure of gigging frogs , a gig looks like a little pitch fork with either three of four tines on it . The tines are really sharp and each has a bard on it so when you stab a frog with it they can 't get away . I cut a nice straight sassafras tree about eight foot long and shoved the gig on the end of it then hiked up to the pit . All three of the biggest ones were sitting at the end of the ramp when I got there so I tried sneaking down close enough to stab one of them but again they all jumped in the water before I could get close enough . I went back out of the ramp and over to the edge so I could see where they were . Since the water was nice and clear and there was a lot of mud on the bottom you could see where the frogs had gone from the top . Most of the time when you scare a frog into the water they will dive to the bottom and try to hide in the weeds so all you have to do is look for where the mud is stirred up . Two of them were out in the middle with no way for me to get to them but the other was hanging on a piece of junk right up against the wall . I stepped away for the wall so he couldn 't see me and ran around to the end where he was . I got down on my hands and knees , snuck up to the edge and peeked over . He was still there , directly below me . I eased my gig over the wall and lowered it down to see if I could hit him . He was in a good spot just hanging onto that junk with my gig hanging right above him . The problem was that my pole wasn 't long enough to reach him . I could drop the gig and stand a good chance of stabbing him but then I would be able to get out without wading out in the water . Jimmy Lee had told me not to be wading around in that water because of all the junk in it and if I got cut the might be chemicals in there that could make you sick so I was a little hesitant about getting in it ( I should have asked him that if it can make you sick how come the frogs can live it with no trouble ) . I pulled my gig back up , trying hard not to scare the frog away and went running all over the place trying to find some rope or something I could use to tie to the gig so I could pull it back out of the pit . Most of the time you could always find something you could use around an old mine site , either a piece of old rope of some bailing wire or something but this time I didn 't find a single thing . I kept checking back every time I came close to that pit and the frog was still in the same spot . I even think he was smiling because he knew there was no way I was going to be able to get him . I finally gave up on finding anything I could use on the gig but I wasn 't about to give up on that frog ! I thought long and hard ( about five seconds ) and came up with a plan . If I could hang my gig down over the top of him like I did the first time , I figured I should be able to hang onto the wall with one hand and one leg . I could reach a lot farther down that way and still be able to hang onto the gig . Then all I had to do was stab straight down , get the frog and still have a hold of the gig . Sounded like a great plan to me . I crawled back up to the spot and eased my head over the edge . Yep , he was still in the same spot . I eased the gig over the edge and let it slide down through my hand until it was right over the top of him . I only had a hold of the very end of the pole and I was still about three feet above him . I eased myself up on the edge and slowly leaned down as far as I could . Still a couple of feet to go . I hooked one leg over the edge and slide the other one down the wall . Just one more foot . I got a good grip on the edge of the wall with my one hand and slide my body over the edge . Finally I was close enough to stab straight down and I knew there was no way that frog was going to get away now ! I raised my arm up just a little and stabbed straight down at his back ! I got him ! I just had one minor problem . Remember the pole I had made for my gig was from a nice , straight sassafras tree ? They make really good poles , but since I had peeled the bark off this one they are a little slick . I was only holding the very end of this pole when I stabbed down at the frog and with it being a little slick and me a little excited I dropped it . Of course it started to fall over and being the quick thinker I was , I tried to grab it . As my hand slipped off the top of the wall I had time to realize my mistake before I hit the water . I lucked out in several ways after that . For one thing the water was a good three foot deep and it was full of chemicals that were going to cook me . Also even though there was a lot of junk in that pit , there wasn 't any where I hit . I managed to grab my gig and stumble over to the bottom of the ramp and get my breath back . I did have the frog and he was a nice big one . After I calmed down a bit I figure since I was already soaked and there didn 't seem to be anything wrong with the water I might as well try to wade around in it and see if I could catch a couple more . No luck on that part . There was so much mud on the bottom that after I waded around for a couple of minutes you could see a thing . I had to give it up and head home with just the one . At least the weather was nice and hot and I didn 't have to explain coming home soaked . |
Country Humor . The Good ? ? Ole Days . Just a collection of stories , thoughts and memories of growing up in oklahoma . Most of them will involve my best friend of the last 55 years , Stanley Johnson . I hope one day to have his versions on here also because I 'm sure our memories don 't always match . Hunting has always been a large part of Stanley and my life . We both started hunting when we were very young although for a lot of years that meant following someone else around and fetching and carrying for them . Neither of us really minded that because any excuse to be out in the woods was a good one of course neither of us could wait until we were able to go hunting by ourselves which we again both started at a young age . Most country kids did the same thing so we were by no means an exception to the rule and most country kids did it for the same reason we did , the thrill of the hunt and to put meat on the table . I don 't want any of you think that we were totally blood thirsty little savages out killing everything that was big enough to die . Yes , we hunted for food but that was only part of the reason . If we didn 't find anything it wasn 't like our families were going to go hungry we just liked wild game and it was a nice extra but it was the hunt that was important . We used to hunt deer in the summer time with no intention of shooting them , for one thing it was against the law but the main reason we were out there was as an excuse to be out in the woods and to see if we could sneak upon them . I 've been out in the woods many a day before daylight , sitting up in a tree watching a trail just for the enjoyment of watching them . The fact that I could enjoy hunting without actually shooting anything really came home to me the year I was sixteen . I was spending a little time in Arizona that year and I got the chance to go hunting with my Grandpa . He was going to go deer hunting that year and since I was out there he told me I could tag along with him . We went to the store to get out licenses and while we were there he entered a lottery . No it wasn 't the kind where you win money it was for a tag to hunt desert bighorn sheep . He told me he 'd been entering it for over twenty years and had never won . He also explained that it was a once in a lifetime chance . If you were drawn that was it weather you got a sheep or not you couldn 't put in for it again . It only cost five dollars so I decided to enter myself even though Grandpa thought it was a waste of money because he figured I 'd only be there during hunting season that one time . Needless to say , Grandpa lost for the twenty first time and I got drawn . I was the only one that would be able to hunt the sheep but I could take him along to help me and he could hunt deer while we were out so I thought that would work out . For the next couple of weeks I wasn 't sure he was going to go along with it though . Every time I saw him during those two weeks he was always mumbling something about dumb luck and people not deserving what they got and general ignoring me , but the day before I was set to leave he finally came around and agreed to go with me . Hunting those things was a lot harder than I thought it would be . You would think that anything living out in the Arizona desert would be pretty easy to find but if you think that you 'd be just as wrong as I was . Finding deer in the woods back home was a cake walk compared to this . We left camp before daylight and didn 't get back until after dark every day and didn 't even see a track until the third day . Plus , I loved my Grandpa dearly but for someone that had never actually hunted seep the only time he quit giving me advice was when he was asleep ! We only had seven days to fill the tag and if you didn 't get one during that season then you were done forever and we were starting to get a little nervous . Our luck turned on the fourth day . About mid morning we spotted a small flock of ewes in the distance . We crawled to the top of ridge and got the binoculars so we could check them out . You couldn 't shoot a ewe but luck was with us because lying above them on the hill was a group of at least three rams . We were still too far away to really get a good look at their horns so we had to crawl back down the ridge and work our way through the brush to the next hill . By the time we had made to the top of that one and got in a position to check out the rams they were all standing and we got a good look at the horns . Now most of the time when I was deer hunting down home horns didn 't mean a whole lot to me . We had a buck only season there but I never really cared about how big they were , I was hunting for meat and you can 't cook horns . This time , however , the horns were really important . I wasn 't real fond of sheep meat but since this was going to be my one and only chance to ever hunt these bighorns I was planning on eating whatever we got but I really had my heart set on a full curl ( that just means that their horns curl all the way around , the best ones will have horns where the points are past their jaw line ) . If you 're going to hunt what is mainly a trophy animal it might as well be a good one . Right there is where my first real argument with my Grandpa happened . Of the three rams we were looking at , two of them had about a half curl and the other had , maybe . a three quarter curl . We were only a couple of hundred yards from the biggest one and Grandpa was telling me all about how to take the shot . He was sure I 'd be able to get the big one and it was tempting . I kept looking at him through the scope and I will admit he was a nice healthy looking ram but the longer I looked the more I kept think that this would be my only chance and did I really want to settle for something that I didn 't really want ? No I didn 't . When I lowered my rifle and told Grandpa I wasn 't going to settle for anything less than a full curl he just stared at me like I had lost my mind . He never said a word right then he just lay there and watched all three rams walk of the hill and disappear . It was just barley noon by then but as soon as the sheep were gone he stood up and headed back to camp . I continued to hunt until dark , not because I was really expecting to find anything I was staying away from camp and hoping he would have time to calm down . He didn 't yell or anything when he was mad , he just gave you these looks that let you know he was really disappointed in you . Have you ever had " The Look " from a parent or grandparent ? If so then you know what I mean . They can hurt a lot worse than any spanking you could ever get . He seemed to be a little calmer by the time I got back to camp and I tried to explain why I had passed on the shot that day and why I really wanted to wait and see if we could find the right animal . I 'm not sure he really understood . I think part of the problem was that he had been trying for so long just to be able to hunt sheep and he just couldn 't understand why I would be willing to pass up what he considered a sure thing and take a chance on what he considered to waste my only chance . I tried to tell him how beautiful the sheep were to me and how good it made you feel just to be able to see them wondering across the desert . I even told him that I wished I haI didn 't get any ram the hunt . We saw the same herd a few more times , even got within shooting range a few times . I enjoyed every time we got close to them . Doing nothing but laying in the sun and watching them . I know Grandpa and a lot of other people would think I was crazy for passing up a chance like that but I just couldn 't see any reason to take the life of something just to be able to say I had . Grandpa never did really forgive me though . He continued to enter the lottery the rest of his life and never did get selected . He also spent the rest of his life telling everyone about his dumb grandson who had been selected and just " threw it away " Once a few years later he was telling one of his friends the story and I was sitting there embarrassed as usual but that time when he was finished with the story and got up to go back in the house , he patted me on the shoulder and smiled . Please excuse my rambling here . I 'm bored and when I can 't think of anything interesting to write I do tend to ramble . Kind of like the homeless guys you see on the street wondering around muttering to them selves except I do it here . Since I used to spend most of my time wondering around in the woods I had several " hide outs " scattered around down home . Why ? Most of them were places I could take shelter in if I got caught out in a storm . Some of them were places I could go to be alone and think about life and the troubles I thought I was having with it . Teenage brains are always full of the trials and tribulations that life puts us through . A few of them fulfilled my never ending obsession with being able to live like a mountain man , or at least what my imagination told me was the mountain man life style . Some were nothing more that prepared camping spots for Stanley and me . Good hideouts required a couple of things that made them different than a normal camping spot . They needed to have limited access . You had to be able to at least think you were the only one that knew about them . They needed to be close to a source of water for drinking and for cooking . They had to offer protection from the weather . That could be a hard one because of the storms we get in Oklahoma . You needed to stay out of the rain yet still be able to watch the storm , storm watching was a great pastime . There also needed to be a ready source of firewood close by because even in the summer and even though we might not need to cook anything there is just something about camping in the woods at night that requires a fire . There was a big hollow oak log on my uncle 's place . The tree had been blown over by a wind storm . All the limbs were gone and but the trunk was still attached and the hollow center of it was over ten feet long . It was laying with the broken end tilted down just enough to keep the rain out . It was a perfect place to wiggle back in feet first and watch a good thunder storm . I 've even spent a few nights camped out in it . Another was an old cellar that hadn 't totally caved in . The only thing left of the original home place was a couple of walls . I cleaned out most of the caved in dirt from the inside and made a door out of limbs and brush . The good thing about that one was that it was cool in the summer and as long as I checked it out each time for snakes it made a nice place to take a break on hot summer days . The other good point was that there were still remnants of an old garden behind the house . I could find tomatoes and sometimes cucumbers and okra . One thing about Oklahoma is that there are lots of things to eat that grow wild but I would never pass up the chance for a few garden grown veggies to go along with whatever fish or game I could come up with . One of my favorite spots was a cave above the road on the way to the old Indian cemetery . It wasn 't a huge cave ; actually it was more like a big over hand in a rock cliff near the top of a hill . There were only two ways of getting to it . One was to climb down from the top of the hill . As long as you were careful you could lower yourself down the cliff face and get your feet on a narrow ledge . If you kept flat against the cliff you could bring your hands down to a small crack in the rocks and kind of shuffle sideways until you were able to reach the ledge in front of the cave . That wasn 't a bad way to get there and I did it pretty often and only fell once . That time wasn 't too bad because it was only about thirty feet or so to the ground and some tree branches broke my fall anyway . The other way was from the bottom by climbing a big oak tree , shuffling out as far as I could get on the end of a branch and jumping over to grab the edge of the ledge . I fell a few times until I finally got the hang of that one . Once you were in the cave you had a nice flat bottom to sit on and admire the view . This was another good spot to watch the storms . There was enough of an overhang to keep the rain out as long as the wind wasn 't blowing too hard . I spent one stormy afternoon sitting up there and got to watch a tornado cross the valley to the north . That was the closest I 'd ever seen one . It was also a great place for deer hunting because a well used trail crossed the hill side right below it . I spent many an hour laying up there and watching everything from squirrels to bobcats to deer pass by on that trail . The only live wolf I ever saw in Oklahoma was walking down that trail . I used to lay up there and wonder if any prehistoric hunters had ever lain in the same spot to watch for game . I never found any sign that anyone else had ever even in that spot but it was fun to dream . There was plenty of good fishing across the road in Salt Creek so I always kept hooks and line stored there . There was even a nice stand of cane not too far away so where I was able to cut a pole . I also stocked a couple of pots and a skillet there along with a few candles and a couple of blankets just in case I wanted to spend the night , which I did quite often . The nice thing about having all these hide outs was that it kept me from having to pack a lot of stuff with me when I went out prowling the woods . No matter where I went there was at least one spot within a couple of miles where I could hole up if I wanted and I tried to keep them stocked with whatever bits and pieces of camping gear I could find . I even learned to cook hanging out in these places . Well , I learned how to eat burnt or half raw food at least . Stanley and I had some good meals while we were out but it was mostly just dumb luck when they came out right . We do pretty well with fish by covering them with mud and burying them in the campfire coals . If you got them right you didn 't even need to scale them because you would pull off the skin when you broke the mud away . Stew wasn 't too bad ; we 'd through everything we could find in a pot and let it sit there bubbling away beside the fire until we got hungry and the good thing was you could always take a little bite to see if it was done . Stanley and I both lucked out by not being allergic to anything down home so one of our best hide outs was a camping spot in the middle of a huge patch of poison ivy . Most all the kids knew what that stuff looked like so we didn 't have to worry about too many people bothering us while we were in that one . I did make a small error with a hide out once . I had read in some book about Wikieups that some the Native Americans lived in and was forever trying to pile sticks together to make one . I found the perfect place to try again in a grove of persimmon trees . I came up with the great idea that instead of leaning a bunch of tree branches together I could bend the persimmon trees down and tie their tops together . I could make whatever size wikieup I wanted too by just picking out trees that were farther apart . The frame went really well . I had gathered up a bunch of baling wire from down where Charlie Condren feed his cows that I could use to tie the tops together . By bending the trees down , cutting off the tops and wiring what was left together I ended up with a frame that was about six feet across , roughly circular and about six feet tall at the highest point . That took me most of a day but I was pretty proud of it , now all I had to do was figure out a way to cover the sides . I thought about trying " wattle and dob " . I had read about that one also . It is the way people built houses in Europe and consisted of making a wooden frame and covering it with mud . I had to give up on that idea when I realized that the closest source of water was a tiny creek a couple of hundred yards away that I didn 't think had enough water to make mud . Plus I had only read about it and didn 't really have the faintest idea of how to do it and with the storms we had in Oklahoma I wasn 't sure mud walls would last past the first thunder storm . What I did do was stop by a couple of ponds of the way up there the next day and cut all the thin willow branches I could carry . I wove the branches horizontally around the frame then started I spent a few days laying up there for the next couple of weeks . I kept adding more leaves to it and found that it was a lot cooler just from being in out of the sun . I was beginning to think that the Natives had found a good house plan . I was finally able to spend the night in early May . It was a beautiful spring day when I left the house but by the time I got to the wikieup it was starting to could up in the west . I didn 't worry too much about it , I had a nice shelter with enough room to put a couple of blankets on one side and still have enough room to build a fire in the center . I had left a small opening at the top to allow smoke to escape and keep the air pretty clear . By the time I had gathered some wood and had a fire going there were some serious thunder heads building and it looked like they were coming my way . I was sitting inside trying to weave a seat that I could lean back in like I had seen in a movie when the storm finally got to me . I was really proud of what I had built at first because there was just a little rain and it was looking like I had managed to make the walls pretty water proof . The only rain that was getting was a tiny bit through the smoke hole which wasn 't enough to bother me . Next came the lighting and thunder and again I felt pretty good . It never even crossed my mind that I might be in danger from the lighting and thunder is just noise so I kept working on my seat . Then the real rain started ! I found out pretty quick that in spite of all the leaves and branches I had added my wikieup definitely wasn 't one hundred percent water proof . I had to drag my blankets over to a different spot to keep them out of the rain . It was too late to do anything about the leaks , it was raining hard enough to have drowned me if I had tried to go out and add any more to the walls . I did have one spot that was still dry so I figured I 'd be OK for that night at least . The one thing I had over looked about Oklahoma storms was the wind . When the first big gust hit and kind of moved the whole shePosted by Thinking back on it there was a time when it just killed both Stanley and me to walk to the store or to even take the garbage out ( kind of my kids ) yet when we decided to do something we wanted to do like go hunting or down to the river to go fishing it didn 't bother either of us to was ten miles . Strange how that works . After Stanley had moved to Schulter he came down to the house one day and got to listen to me complaining about having to go out and gather eggs . It was hard you know ! I would have had to walk at least fifty feet , one way ! Plus , go through all the nests and gather the eggs and then walk all the way back to the house . With a lot of grumbling and Stanley 's help I did get it done . I had too or Grandma wouldn 't have let us go wonder around . We walked down to the rail road tracks close to the house to see if we could find any black berries . We didn 't see any so we just started walking up the tracks toward Okmulgee . We weren 't really going anywhere , it was just one of those lazy Oklahoma days and we wanted to be out of the house and away from anyone that think up some work for us to do . We were wondering along lacking away about nothing when Stanley saw a rabbit on the tracks ahead of us . We weren 't hunting that day so the only thing we could do was throw some rocks at it . Stanley was pretty sure he had hit it , although it looked to me like he had missed it by a mile but since he was sure we went running up to see if we could find it . No sign of it when we got there so we kept walking up the tracks arguing about whether he had hit it or not . The next thing we knew we were at Salt Creek so of course we had to go down under the bridge and see if there were any snakes or fish down there . The only thing we found was one little bitty water snake , it wasn 't even a cottonmouth so we climbed back to the tracks and kept going the same way . The next interesting thing we came to was the rail road over Deepfork River . We were a little worried about crossing that ; we didn 't want to meet a train halfway across . We finally built up enough nerve to go for it ( truth be known we dared each other to cross it and since neither of us wanted to look like a chicken in front of the other , away we went ) . Once we got to the middle and hadn 't seen any trains or curiosity kicked in , we should have remembered what happens to cats when that kicks in but we didn 't . We just had to see if we could climb down that bridge all the way to the river . It wasn 't all that easy to climb down but it wasn 't all that easy either . We weren 't able to get all the way to the water because neither of us bothered to notice that the bottom beams was a good ten foot above the water but at least we made it to that beam . Once we at the bottom we just had to see if we could walk across the beams . Did we even think about the fact we were walking across eight inch beam ten feet above a river ? What do you think ? Here 's where our superior intelligence really kicked in . We walked those beams across the rest of the river and then turned around and walked them back to the middle where we decide to climb back up . If we would have had a little common since instead of intelligence we might have thought to just get off the bridge at the bank and walk up to the tracks , but no , we had to climb back up at the same place we had climbed down . Getting back up was quite a bit harder than going down but we were making it . We were up to the last beam and all we had to do was pull ourselves up to the track when Stanley said he thought he could feel the bridge shaking . We both looked down the track and sure enough we had found the train . I don 't know if any of you have ever held onto a wooden bridge post and had a train go by you about three feet over your head so I will tell you , it gets a little tense and very noisy . I never knew how much a bridge moves when a train is going across it and I do beliAfter enjoying the view for awhile we climbed back down and headed back over to the tracks . We weren 't sure what to do next but since we could see downtown Okmulgee from the top of the stack we figured we had to be close so we just kept wondering that way . Every time we had gone to Okmulgee before it had always been on the highway so we were getting a totally different look at things by being on the tracks . We weren 't walking very fast so I 'm not sure how long it took us to get to the point where we realized we were at the main street of town and since we were that close we might as well go check it out . Downtown Okmulgee is pretty neat . We wondered around the courthouse square for awhile checking out all the stores and scheming on how we could get a few of the squirrels that were running all over the place . We stopped and checked out the radio station and were listening to the music from the speaker outside . Stanley came up with a rubber ball from somewhere . We could see the DJ on the other side of the window and Stanley was bouncing his ball on the sidewalk . I had no idea what he was doing until the DJ announced over the speaker that some crazy kid was bouncing his ball outside so he figure he wanted to hear Red Rubber Ball and started playing it . Stanley was pretty tickled with himself over that one . It was getting pretty late in the evening by then and we decided we 'd better get headed back home . We hadn 't even thought of the time or how far we were from home or how long it was going to take us to get there . We ended up walking back to the highway and all the way to the edge of town when Toy Stidman happen to come driving by and offered us a ride which by then we were more than happy to take . There are a lot of old coal mines down home . There were at least ten that were within walking distance of the house and Stanley and I have been in all of them ( nobody ever accused us of being real smart ) . One of the bigger was the Starr . I remember my dad and Lloyd Stidman hauling props to that mine when I was a kid ( props were the timbers they used to " prop " up the mine . I even remember when they shut it down because my uncles had the job of tearing all the building down , but the main thing I remember about it was the frogs . There was a huge concrete pit down there . I have no idea what they used it for . It must have been twenty to thirty feet long , twenty feet wide and ten feet deep . There was a road along one side of it and on the opposite side of that road was a concrete tunnel that sloped down to the bottom of it . I might have been something they use to load coal out of ; all I knew was that there was water in the bottom of it . Having water in the bottom of a big pit wasn 't anything out of the ordinary down home but the one thing that was is the number of bullfrogs that lived in this one . There were a lot of weeds growing in the water at the bottom plus lots of junk laying on the bottom for them to sit on . It must have had some really good frog food down there because I could stand at the top and see a couple of dozen frogs down there including three really big ones . One thing we really liked eating back then was frog legs and as soon as I saw those big ones it became my goal in life to take them home to dinner ! The first time I saw them was when I was out helping Jimmy Lee set mouse traps ( live traps that is . We would catch mice on one side of the valley , Jimmy Lee would tag them and we 'd take them to the other side of the valley and turn them loose . He was checking to see if they could find their way home . ) Anyway , that first time we didn 't have any way of catching those frogs . We tried going down the ramp and trying to sneak up on them but we couldn 't get close enough grab them before they jumped in the water and took off . The water was too deep with too much junk in it to be able to wade out in and try to catch them that way so we had to write them off that day but I just couldn 't get them out of my mind . I headed back up there a couple of days later figuring for sure I 'd be able to catch them . I had found an old frog gig in my uncles tool shed and I knew where a grove of sassafras trees were where I would be able to cut a nice straight pole for it . For those of you who haven 't had the pleasure of gigging frogs , a gig looks like a little pitch fork with either three of four tines on it . The tines are really sharp and each has a bard on it so when you stab a frog with it they can 't get away . I cut a nice straight sassafras tree about eight foot long and shoved the gig on the end of it then hiked up to the pit . All three of the biggest ones were sitting at the end of the ramp when I got there so I tried sneaking down close enough to stab one of them but again they all jumped in the water before I could get close enough . I went back out of the ramp and over to the edge so I could see where they were . Since the water was nice and clear and there was a lot of mud on the bottom you could see where the frogs had gone from the top . Most of the time when you scare a frog into the water they will dive to the bottom and try to hide in the weeds so all you have to do is look for where the mud is stirred up . Two of them were out in the middle with no way for me to get to them but the other was hanging on a piece of junk right up against the wall . I stepped away for the wall so he couldn 't see me and ran around to the end where he was . I got down on my hands and knees , snuck up to the edge and peeked over . He was still there , directly below me . I eased my gig over the wall and lowered it down to see if I could hit him . He was in a good spot just hanging onto that junk with my gig hanging right above him . The problem was that my pole wasn 't long enough to reach him . I could drop the gig and stand a good chance of stabbing him but then I would be able to get out without wading out in the water . Jimmy Lee had told me not to be wading around in that water because of all the junk in it and if I got cut the might be chemicals in there that could make you sick so I was a little hesitant about getting in it ( I should have asked him that if it can make you sick how come the frogs can live it with no trouble ) . I pulled my gig back up , trying hard not to scare the frog away and went running all over the place trying to find some rope or something I could use to tie to the gig so I could pull it back out of the pit . Most of the time you could always find something you could use around an old mine site , either a piece of old rope of some bailing wire or something but this time I didn 't find a single thing . I kept checking back every time I came close to that pit and the frog was still in the same spot . I even think he was smiling because he knew there was no way I was going to be able to get him . I finally gave up on finding anything I could use on the gig but I wasn 't about to give up on that frog ! I thought long and hard ( about five seconds ) and came up with a plan . If I could hang my gig down over the top of him like I did the first time , I figured I should be able to hang onto the wall with one hand and one leg . I could reach a lot farther down that way and still be able to hang onto the gig . Then all I had to do was stab straight down , get the frog and still have a hold of the gig . Sounded like a great plan to me . I crawled back up to the spot and eased my head over the edge . Yep , he was still in the same spot . I eased the gig over the edge and let it slide down through my hand until it was right over the top of him . I only had a hold of the very end of the pole and I was still about three feet above him . I eased myself up on the edge and slowly leaned down as far as I could . Still a couple of feet to go . I hooked one leg over the edge and slide the other one down the wall . Just one more foot . I got a good grip on the edge of the wall with my one hand and slide my body over the edge . Finally I was close enough to stab straight down and I knew there was no way that frog was going to get away now ! I raised my arm up just a little and stabbed straight down at his back ! I got him ! I just had one minor problem . Remember the pole I had made for my gig was from a nice , straight sassafras tree ? They make really good poles , but since I had peeled the bark off this one they are a little slick . I was only holding the very end of this pole when I stabbed down at the frog and with it being a little slick and me a little excited I dropped it . Of course it started to fall over and being the quick thinker I was , I tried to grab it . As my hand slipped off the top of the wall I had time to realize my mistake before I hit the water . I lucked out in several ways after that . For one thing the water was a good three foot deep and it was full of chemicals that were going to cook me . Also even though there was a lot of junk in that pit , there wasn 't any where I hit . I managed to grab my gig and stumble over to the bottom of the ramp and get my breath back . I did have the frog and he was a nice big one . After I calmed down a bit I figure since I was already soaked and there didn 't seem to be anything wrong with the water I might as well try to wade around in it and see if I could catch a couple more . No luck on that part . There was so much mud on the bottom that after I waded around for a couple of minutes you could see a thing . I had to give it up and head home with just the one . At least the weather was nice and hot and I didn 't have to explain coming home soaked . |
This past year has been a rollercoaster year for me and I have found myself reflecting today and realizing some new things recently . If you read this , bear with me and please don 't judge . I put my thoughts out there just to put them out there . Maybe someone needs to hear them . 2007 started off with K being born and having health issues . Despite my best efforts , I was plagued with fears for his health and well - being . I couldn 't shake a feeling that he wouldn 't make it and it left me in a deep darkness . I felt like I was pretty much just on autopilot but couldn 't get out of it . I had received Priesthood blessings but none were of any comfort . I did , however , recognize it as a trial where I needed to learn to rely on my husband . Financially , we started off 2007 with all of our credit card debt paid off and only a small amount left on our auto loan . I had felt a strong prompting a few months prior to get it all paid off regardless of the sacrifice . A few months into the year we found ourselves looking at new homes . It wasn 't something we planned , though I had hoped to move before W started school . The first house we looked at was pure curiosity . Soon , as usual , I was obsessed with research . We looked at other homes ( ' just looking ' we told ourselves ) , and kept finding ourselves being drawn back to this first house . There were just so many things about it that were so what we had hoped for when we eventually moved . I felt like I was in no emotional state still to make any major decisions , and so I left it to DH . I told him that he was the head of our family and that I trusted him to take it to the Lord and I would accept whatever answer he received . Well , the answer was that this house was the house and this time was the time . . . everything would work itself out . And so we invested money into our home to secure it 's equity ( so we thought ) and found ourselves putting money on the credit cards again . We repainted the exterior , recarpeted , and installed a new air conditioner . We felt like it was the right thing to do and that it would pay off . For many months we tried selling our house on our own , holding open houses every weekend - not any easy task for me . As construction on our new home progressed and nothing happened with that house I felt very discouraged . I questioned DH 's decision . I questioned my answer in following his . I felt that if we made every effort to make every sacrifice on our part and to do all those things that God asks us to do ( the prayers , the scripture study etc ) then He truly would bless us and that it would work out . I recognized that this was going to be a test of my faith but at the time had no idea just the extent of it . I went to the temple weekly . It was during one time at the temple that I had a choice spiritual experience . . . actually it was really the result of two different visits . On one visit I was thinking about the sacrifices I , we , had made and the blessings we desired but seemed to not be receiving . I thought we were doing something wrong and that there must be something we were missing . . . that there was something more that my Heavenly Father desired of me . It occurred to me that there was one more sacrifice that I had not yet made and that was the most difficult sacrifice for me to make . I desired to show Him that I did have faith that He had told us what to do and that we had made the right decision . I wanted to show him that I trusted Him and would do whatever He asked of me , regardless of the cost . That 's when I had that unmistakable feeling that there was another child who needed to come into our family at that time . Having K had been so difficult for me and had brought so many trials on top of the normal trial of being pregnant and having another baby . Truly the biggest sacrifice I could make would be to have another baby and to trust God that would work out . There were other choice experiences that occurred but I knew this was what needed to happen and I got the distinct impression that if I would do this then He would do His part . We made a pact . So it wasn 't long after that I found myself pregnant with K2 ( who , by the way , I was certain was going to be a girl - another test of faith that I 'm not going to go into right now ) . However , things were still not working out . We moved into our new house just a couple of weeks after I found out I was pregnant . We made more purchases on credit for the new house ( appliances and the like ) with the belief and understanding that things would work out as we had been promised . We typically got a sort of bonus at the end of the year from DH 's job and we budgeted our purchases according to what we expected from that . We had initially hoped to make some money on the sale of our house but it was becoming more and more evident that was not going to happen . We moved into our new home the first week of October 2007 . Our old house had been for sale since April 2007 with no offers . We had our realtor take over trying to sell it as it was now obvious that it was going to have to be a short sale . My nerves were a wreck as I felt out of control of our situation - moving into a new house without our old one sold and without a plan for how to take care of it . I could almost tangibly feel my faith faltering and asked DH for a Priesthood blessing . In it I was promised that I would " find joy " in my new ward . I loved the ward we had been in but I also knew very strongly right then that Heavenly Father knew me better and had a different thing in mind . He loved me and because He loved me He wanted me to not just be happy , but to be joyful , and He was telling me where I would find that joy . . . and that , if nothing else , that was the reason for the move . November and December rolled around . I struggled with feeling forgotten by friends , family , and God . Things were not panning out as I had imagined . I couldn 't imagine why God would want us to do things that would lead to debt when it was so contrary to what we are taught . And yet , I knew that we had made the right decision . . . that this was the house and that this was the time and that we weren 't just being foolish when we got into debt again . I struggled even more when it was obvious DH couldn 't work his second job anymore . We had tried not to plan on that income but we knew we would need it at least for a little while - if nothing else to pay those credit card bills . Joy was not exactly a part of my life . The one exception being the tremendous blessing that our neighbors ( who moved in about 6 weeks after us ) turned out to be . Come the end of the year I thought things would work out . However , what he hadn 't budgeted for was the economy . We didn 't get that bonus from work that I expected and instead we found ourselves with a compounding debt , minus an income , additional unexpected car costs , and no real hope . So I 'll fast forward a little bit . It 's now August 2008 . K2 was born relatively healthy despite the doctors beliefs that he would have more problems than he has . However , he has added another $ 400 to our monthly expenses ( his special formula and diapers ) . . . . $ 400 we haven 't had . Up until this past year I have always been the one to pay the bills around the house . However , I got the very strong impression that I needed to let DH pay them . Trying to make the money work when it wouldn 't was very stressful for me . I was angry that we were in this situation and hurt and upset with God . Doing the bills each month only reminded me of our situation . I felt like He made me a promise and then I must have done something wrong and He changed His mind and was just leaving me to learn a long , hard lesson . I had got to the temple sometime after we had moved and was in a true state of despair . I had this thought come into my mind as clear as if it had been spoken in my ear " It is enough . You have done your part and it is acceptable . I will take care of the rest . " Yet , I didn 't see that happening at all . Turning the bills over to DH has been another exercise in trusting him . He 's never had to do much bill - paying in his life and as a result is not in the habit of it . We have had countless late fees , disconnect fees , collection calls , etc . I don 't say this to speak ill of my husband . I know that he is unaccustomed to it . All these things have been a big source of discontent in our home . Financial strains are huge strains on any marriage . I 've asked myself , Why would God want us to go through all of this ? Until today I have asked that with a begrudging heart . I have been depressed that things have been so hard . . . so much harder than I expected or imagined . I have been frustrated at the struggle it has all been for me . I have been hurt that my faith and trust have felt shattered . However , all of a sudden I have recently started seeing the ways that God has been trying to find His way back into my life . . . back into showing me that He is For many months I had a thought in the back of my head that I should speak to a certain family member of mine and ask for help . I didn 't want them to feel like I was taking advantage of them and I felt like we had put ourselves in this situation and that we needed to get ourselves out of it . After all , isn 't that how Heavenly Father works ? It wasn 't until a recent Relief Society lesson that I had that thought come back into my mind . I believe the lesson was on receiving inspiration and that it is sometimes not anything like what we expect and so we argue or reason ourselves out of it . . . . And that as we refuse that answer we close ourselves off to the spirit and to any further inspiration . When that thought came to my mind during the lesson I knew then that I 'd been getting an answer to my prayers but not been willing to hear it because I didn 't see the reasoning , because it was hard , and because it wasn 't at all what I expected . I summoned my courage and humility and called my family member . I had talked to her before about our financial problems but had never asked for help nor had she offered it . And yet , every time I had had that feeling , she had called me for no apparent reason - I just had chickened out on saying anything about my feeling every single time . So I talked to her about my feelings and asked for help though I explained that I didn 't expect it but felt very strongly that I needed to at least have the experience of asking for it . The conversation went much better than I expected . I knew she understood my situation because she 's been here . I knew she felt my pain . I also knew that she couldn 't help me because the economy has affected her as well . However , I felt much better at the end of our conversation and had my first glimmer of hope . . . simply because I had finally made that call I had thought of making nearly 6 months before . Since that time I have still struggled a lot , but I have seen more . I had the prompting for several weeks that I should talk to the bishop . However , I couldn 't figure out what for and so I didn 't go . Remembering the experience with the family member I finally resolved that I would just go talk to him and maybe it would come to me . I literally sat down in his office and said " I don 't know why I am here but I 'm supposed to talk to you . " Things then just sort of poured out . He didn 't have any great inspiration or answers for me but I felt so much better afterwards . I actually feel hope now . This whole me going to work thing has bothered me . That 's always been such a big deal for us , something we felt so strongly about - me staying home . I remembered something in my patriarchal blessing about being able to use my talents to provide means for my family and I thought perhaps this is the situation it refers to . I know we need more money and Billy hasn 't argued with the idea of me going to work at night . . . . and yet it just hasn 't settled with me and that has been a struggle for me . Talking to the bishop made me feel much better and reiterated my feelings , to my surprise , that there had to be another answer . He also reiterated another feeling that we need to be going on regular dates again , even though I hadn 't brought that up . Every week . He was disappointed that we don 't have family members who could ( or would ) really watch the kids every single week for a couple of hours for us to go out . However , he had some ideas for us and when I told DH about what he had said he seemed more inclined to make more of an effort to plan in advance for finding a sitter . But I 've gotten off track . What I realized today is this . . . . I should not be asking " Why would God want us to do this ? " with a begruding heart when so many things seem to be so wrong and so off from what He would seem to want . I should be asking with an open mind into the lessons to be learned . I shouldn 't worry so much about how it is going to work out and whether it will . . . but should worry more about what I can learn in the process . In the past month , we have had our water , power , phone , and gas shut off . A year ago we were debt free and setting money aside . But I have learned more about emergency preparedness and about humility and the bigger blessings . I finally don 't feel like we are being punished for small mistakes or for planning on money that then didn 't come . I think this was part of the picture and I do have hope again , and more faith and knowledge , that it will work out . My brother recently asked me about faith and how much of it we just convince ourselves of . With all the trials of my faith recently it has given me much to think about . My faith has typically come with taking a step with the hope that things will go a certain positive way to show that it was the right step . This has not been my experience and therein has lied the trial . But DH has never wavered . And I have never lost that conviction that this was the right move to make . If we hadn 't paid off those debts we would not have had the excellent credit to qualify for this home when the other still hadn 't sold and we would not have been able to move . If we had chosen any other house or moved here at a different time we would not have our neighbors that we have . I have felt angry at God for telling us to do something that would cause so much pain , suffering , struggles , tension , and that would put our marriage to such tests . But it occurs to me that I am not the first to feel this way . Surely the pioneers felt this way too as they crossed the plains , with faith in every footstep , suffering so much hardship and loss . I do not doubt that those paThe house still hasn 't sold . Oh , we 've had offers . . . but the bank hasn 't accepted them - or at least not in a timely enough manner . That 's been another issue of concern for me . But DH also finally followed a prompting this week and spoke with a friend who is a real estate attorney . We learned that if you have homesteaded your property then if it sells as a short sale then you cannot be taxed on the difference between your loan amount and the sale amount ( your debt forgiveness ) . We hadn 't homesteaded yet so had one of those other offers gone through we would have had to pay that very large tax . Needless to say , it 's taken care of now . There is another offer on the table and it will be interesting to see if they actually take this one and if it happens fast enough that the buyer doesn 't go elsewhere . So I 'm still learning not to second guess myself so much . We 've had to pay dearly for not managing the bills the right way , but I still feel strongly that I have done the right thing in giving them to my husband . He has a lesson he needs to learn and I have trust that I need to rebuild in him . This is our opportunity ( plus , I 've always felt like he needed to better learn how to run the household in case I wasn 't around ) . I 'm learning that sometimes it 's just about an attitude adjustment . Heavenly Father wanted us to make these decisions and do these things so that we could learn certain lessons , have certain growing experiences , and maybe even because someone else needs something from our experience . I didn 't make some royal screwup in the money department that I have to be punished for or pay the consequences of for a long time . I really feel like Heavenly Father is okay with what we have done and still approves of us . I think that is a feeling I have been lacking for a while and that I needed to get . I know that we have been affected severely by the economy as so many others have . I don 't pretend that we are the only ones in a situation like this . I don 't have a lot of hope for our economy turning around but I do have hope for our particular situation because I do realize that Heavenly Father really did make us a promise and He will stick to His word . . . even if it 's not on my timetable and if I 've done a lot of kicking and crying and whining like a baby . Growing pains hurt but evidently I had some faith that needed to be tested a new way and that needed to grow for some future trial . I 'm so thankful that God hasn 't given up on me . He 's provided teachers who have been inspired to speak words I needed to hear or that I actually would hear . He 's provided comments from others who listened to the prompting of the Holy Ghost to speak up during a lesson . He 's surrounded me with people who love me for me and know me so well . . . who can see me at church and know what is going on and what to say or who can call me at just Posted by Nine years ago today I sat at Sunrise Hospital . Waiting . My mother 's friends filled the waiting room with worried looks and looks of concern for us . I can picture some of those faces still so clearly as if it were yesterday . . . not nine years ago . Michelle . Annette . Kathy Mitchell . Oh Kathy , that was so hard . DH 's mom and sister came too . He was at BYU for the summer and I had called him in a panic . He sent them just to give me a hug . It meant so much . It was July 6 , 1999 . I didn 't feel like going to work that day . Just felt like hanging out at home with my mom . I 'd gone to Utah to be with ( now DH ) for the 4th of July and to get a feel for BYU 's campus before heading there in August . She gave me a hard time , teased me , and made me feel guilty so we came back for the actual holiday . She teased DH for not spending enough time with her either . My dad sang with the Bluth Chorale in a memorial pageant in Boulder City that year so we watched the fireworks there . It was fun but the memory of that night haunts me . We were all playing around and pulling each other over in our low lawnchairs . I pulled my mom 's and she hit her head . I didn 't really hurt her , and I certainly didn 't mean to cause any harm . But that memory haunts me because my brother once wrote that he thought her hitting her head ( because of me ) had caused things - or at the very least sped things up . I have asked countless doctors , including my neurologist , and they have assured me over and over that it would have had no effect whatsoever on what happened . . . but it haunts me because I know he accused me for my mother 's death . Whether he blames me still , I don 't know . I have always been too afraid to ask . But it doesn 't matter . She 's gone either way and we all hurt , and grieve , and blame , and so much more in our own ways . DH flew back to Utah on Monday night . He had midterms to get to . I spent Tuesday morning ( the 6th ) chatting with my mom . We sat at the kitchen table eating out of a tub of Blue Bunny ice cream . It was a new flavor she insisted I try . It was really good . I 've never been able to find it since . I asked her if she thought I would marry DH . A good friend had recently sent her boyfriend off on his mission ( or was about to ) and I we pondered whether they would get married . That gave me the guts to finally ask my mom if she thought ( now DH ) and I would . She got a little twinkle in her eye and said that she did . She told me of the things she would like for my wedding . Somehow we went from that conversation to talking about the new millennium Funny how conversations run . She made a comment about not wanting to be around for it . Too much bad stuff . She finally convinced me I should go to work , at least for a little bit . I worked for my dad doing clerical stuff . So sometime around 12 : 30 , I think , I left . I was in the habit of talking to my mom on the phone as I worked . I 'd think of something to tell her and I 'd call . Sorting through papers was boring work . I had been on the phone with her and she got off as she was filling up the mop bucket . She didn 't really want to mop but it needed to be done . Not fifteen minutes later I was in the office with my dad when he picked up the phone - it was my brother . He yelled " Call 9 - 1 - 1 " and hung up . He looked at me and said " It 's your mom . Go home . " Of course we both raced out of there . His office then was on North 5th and Gowan . I raced up Ann Rd at speeds of 100mph , praying that there would be no cops or cars . Back then Ann Rd was far less developed . As I went over the overpass at US - 95 I saw the ambulance about to get on the freeway . I saw my brother 's face in the front seat . I continued home . For one , I was going too fast to turn around . I didn 't have a cell phone and didn 't want my dad to wonder where I was . I didn 't know what hospital they were going to either . And I didn 't know what was going on with the rest of the kids . I got home before my dad . His good friend worked in the office across the hall from him and had heard everything . He called his wife who is a nurse . She pulled up just as my dad did . The neighbor was with the kids and told me what had happened . My oldest brother had found my mom collapsed on the kitchen floor , mop beside her . He thought she slipped and hit her head . She was unconscious and having a seizure . . . just like one I had had several months earlier after getting some immunizations ( mine was the result of hypoglycemic shock ) . He 'd been there that day too and it scared him . He did CPR and called 9 - 1 - 1 . They took my mom to Mountain View Hospital and my dad left for there , telling me to stay home with the kids . I went into immediate business mode - as I often do when crisis calls . I called the a family friend . She came over right away to take all the other siblings that were home with her ( the oldest one was in the ambulance remember ) . I called my friend , who insisted she drive me to the hospital because I was in no condition to be driving again . I grabbed my mom 's address book , some granola bars , and my calling card . We got to the hospital just as they were getting ready to put my mom on a life flight helicopter . My Grandpa was there and I knew from his face that things weren 't good . Inside I already knew what was going to happen . A strange thing had happened to me exactly a week earlier . I had been driving home from work , on the overpass at Ann Rd & 95 , when I had the thought occur to me ' what would I do if I lost my mom at this stage in my life ' . I went through all of the emotions and thoughts at that time . I knew . So I went to say goodbye to my mom just before they took her onto the helicopter . They gave me a few minutes alone and I whispered to my mom " It 's okay . If you need to go , I can take care of everyone . We 'll be okay . " I knew she 'd missed her mom for a long time . We got to Sunrise Hospital just as the helicopter had landed . I will never forget that image of the parking lot blocked off because it was too much of an emergency to land on top . I used to get anxiety attacks any time I went by there . It 's a little better now but I still avoid it . A lot after that is a blur . I called people from the payphone with my calling card to let them know what was going on . I remember being taken to the cafeteria because everyone was concerned about me eating because of my low blood sugar . I assured them repeatedly that I was fine and capable of taking care of myself . After all , I 'd had the sense to grab granola bars and other snacks for myself and others there . It was when we were in the cafeteria that my uncle came in and said my mom had been given a blessing but it didn 't seem good . I told those there then about what had happened to me a week earlier . It was late at night , somewhere around 11 , when they were taking my mom in for surgery . See , she 'd had a brain aneurysm , and they were going to do what they could to cut off the bleeding . They said it would be 48 - 72 hours before we knew anything so my dad sent me and my brother home to get some rest . Our family friends had brought the kids down before bed and we 'd been taken to a tiny room to explain what was going on . We headed home . That 's when it started to rain . The house seemed so unbelievably empty that night . My brother went to bed , exhausted . He 'd always been a better sleeper than I . I got on the computer and sent out an email to everyone about what was going on and asking for prayers . I called a few people on the east coast and I called DH . It didn 't seem like long before my dad called saying that we had better come back quickly . I woke up my brother and we left again . We drove quickly to the hospital but it didn 't seem quick enough . We had to laugh when we found ourselves detoured because the completely empty highway was closed due to two trucks carrying hay bales that had collided and spilled hay all over the highway . It was 4 in the morning . When we got to the hospital my dad explained that my mom 's pressure had gone haywire . He said she was ' alive ' still but that he and the nurse had both commented that they felt her leave . He didn 't think she was going to make it . I could feel it too and I knew he was right . I didn 't leave again . Time passed too quickly and yet it dragged on . I watched the rain out the window falling on the parking lot . Everything seemed so peaceful out there . My aunt was there , painting my mom 's toes . " It would bug her " she said . My dad looked like a wreck . I was trying to think of what else needed to be done , what else I could do . It was July 7th . . . . 7 / 7 / 99 . At some point in time the doctors told us that she was essentially brain dead and we needed to take her off life support . They said she probably had been brain dead since the very first moment . She 'd had a rare brain aneurysm that burst on both sides in the center of her brain , much like a balloon . Our friend brought the kids to the hospital to say goodbye . I will never ever forget the looks on their faces . Taking my youngest brother in to say goodbye and trying to explain to him that mommy would never be back . He was 4 1 / 2 but he understood . He told us that she was an angel now and with the lady with the yellow hair who had been hurt by the red car . My Grandma . My mom 's mom who had , 6 years earlier , been hit and killed by a car while riding her bike . I didn 't know before that that the car had been red . One brother was almost 13 and my sister was almost 10 . I was 17 and my oldest brother was 15 . Nine years ago tomorrow they took my dad and I into a room with the organ donor people . The lady 's name was Sherry . It was fitting . Sherry was my Grandma 's name . My mom had been a crisis volunteer with T . I . P ( Trauma Intervention Program ) and every serious call she had been on had involved someone named Sherry . She said it made her feel like her mom was with her . So we laughed that this person who had come to discuss what parts of my mother would be preserved would be named Sherry . It felt weird , talking about donating organs and turning off breathing machines . The time had come and I was given some time again to be alone with my mom . I curled up in the bed with her . I couldn 't think what else to do . I felt so small , so much like a little child . I curled up there and I just cried . I have no idea how long it was . But she felt hot . She didn 't feel like her . . . only like a thing that was kept functioning by machines . They were keeping her hot to keep the organs alive for donation . It was when I could no longer ignore the feeling that my mom really wasn 't there , that it was just a shell of a body , that I said goodbye and I left . I saw my friend 's sad eyes and those of my mom 's friends . My other best friend hadn 't come . She 'd been at work . I was numb and tired . And it hadn 't stopped raining . I drove home by myself that day . When I got in the car at the parking lot to leave I turned on the radio . The theme song for Tarzan was playing . " You 'll be in my heart . . . . From this day on , now and forever . Always . " I felt like it was my mom telling me she was there with me . I cried the whole way home . My dad was right behind me . We pulled into our driveway at 4pm . . . . exactly 24 hours after my brother had made that phone call . The house was always emptier after that . Even when it was filled to the brim with flowers . You couldn 't walk through our living room because it was so full . It felt like the fridge at the florist 's shop . The smell was comforting to me though and I slept on the couch in there . The lilies were the strongest and felt like a hug . There was a lot of business to be taken care of and I was there for all of it . I went with my dad to make the funeral arrangements . It wasn 't right that I was 17 and picking out my mother 's casket . I don 't remember if I said that aloud but I do remember thinking it . There was no question to me where my mom would want to be buried . At the cemetery and near the pond where her mother 's ashes had been sprinkled . We 'd gone out there often with her to feed the ducks and visit . So my dad and I rode in the mortuary 's limo across town to pick out a burial site . The rain had still not stopped . I had fallen asleep lying down in the back when I was woken up by a jar and strange noises . I looked out the window to see that we were in a flood and the water was to the door . But we were just around the corner from the cemetery and we made it . My dad asked me to do my mom 's makeup and I agreed . I remembered my mom and aunt complaining about how my grandma looked nothing like herself . I had spent hours sitting and talking to my mom while she 'd done her makeup . She had taught me anything I knew about it and I knew I could do it how she would . So my aunt met me there along with a friend of the family 's . The led us to a room where it was just us and my mom 's body in a casket . I 'll spare the details because it would be hard to explain anyway and I prefer not to think of my mom that way . I was glad my aunt was there though because she can always turn everything into a joke . We laughed more than I felt appropriate but as much as I knew my mom would wish us to . She painted her fingernails and I did her makeup . When we were done she just looked like she 'd been sleeping . The funeral was on the 10th . We were supposed to be at my dad 's family reunion but it was canceled because of the funeral . My brothers and I got a kick out of this because we knew she didn 't want to go that year and we thought it funny that she 'd found quite the way to get out of it . Funnier still , but then not really , was that everyone came to the funeral and it was like the reunion came to her . Maybe you had to be there to get the joke . The Relief Society kept us well stocked with food . I knew the drill from friends ' experiences with crises and I expected dinners . But I was overwhelmed that they also brought lunch and they also brought food for our family and friends that would come in town . We were overwhelmed . They took our photographs and photo albums to put the loose ones into albums to be on display at the viewing / funeral . The bishop came over and played chess with my youngest brother . My brother won . A friend of ours flew in from England . DH drove back down from Utah . My uncle came down and was the one to dedicate the grave . It was his one year wedding anniversary . DH drove me to the viewing at the mortuary the night before the funeral . He just sat there in the back the whole time . Just sat there so that I would know I had someone to lean on . I remember a friend 's parents coming and thinking that was so nice of them . My piano teacher came . He was mine and my brother 's piano teacher . I can still see him sitting on the bench with my brother and holding him as he cried . It broke my heart . I remember my friends sitting there , clearly not knowing what to do but wanting me to know that they were there for me . I felt bad because I didn 't know what to do either or what to tell them . The morning of the funeral , the rain stopped . They 'd called it " The 100 - year flood . " The sun shone bright and strong and it was more humid than anything I could remember . I 'd gone back to New York with my mom the August before for her 20 year class reunion and it was more muggy than that . My dad hadn 't wanted a normal funeral . He didn 't like the " stupid Plan of Salvation " talks . I wasn 't surprised . . . he hadn 't been active in church for years . In fact , on the way to pick up our friend from the airport we had wondered if my mom had ' chosen to die ' so that my dad would find his way back to church again . I thought that and I understood and I only hoped that I wouldn 't blame my dad for her needing to make that sacrifice . At the funeral we displayed a lot of the things she had made , crafts and paintings , flower arrangements etc along with the photo albums . Seems like she had wished her mom 's funeral was recorded so we set up a videotape . In the end it needed 4 tapes . Some unknown person had taken care of switching them out , even getting additional ones from somewhere . The chapel was overflowed . There were so many people that they had to set up chairs and sound in the Primary and Relief Society rooms . I was touched by the friends of mine that came . My mom was the kind of mom who was a friend and mom to all of my friends as well . I knew it was hard for them as well and I wanted to be able to comfort them . DH had to take some of them home after the funeral and before the graveside service because it was just too hard . I remember him saying that one in particular was having a really rough time . I played the piano during the service . There was never any real question about what the service would entail . I played two of my mom 's favorite pieces . . . " The Forrest Gump Suite " and " Hymne " . I didn 't think I could do it but I prayed I would do it justice for her . When I played it was as if someone else 's hands were playing . I have never played them that perfectly since , though I have tried . We didn 't have a closing song . I hated " GI don 't think a lot of things truly hit me until we were there at the cemetery . It felt so final then . I didn 't want to leave . I couldn 't will myself to leave . It was so hot and I could hardly breathe . I just laid on the grass next to the flowers . The poor cemetery workers were waiting for me to leave so that they could lower the casket into the ground , but I didn 't want them to . One of my mom 's friends gathered flowers from the bouquets to make into a wreath for us . Someone finally pulled me up off the ground and got me to go back to the church for the luncheon that had been prepared . It was nearly done by the time I got there . Nine years ago . It seems so long ago and yet so recent . I can hear her in me , especially when I laugh or yell at my children . Billy hears it too . My mom 's closest friends still call me Pam sometimes . My mom 's family hasn 't kept in touch much . I think it was hard for them . Many of them aren 't LDS either and don 't share the same beliefs about families and being together forever . It was hard for me for a long time , still is sometimes . . . . feeling like I didn 't just lose my mom but like I lost her entire family as well . It 's gotten better since with some of them . I know it was really hard for my Grandpa . He had never really been much of an emotional man . He softened a lot after that and I was grateful that he and I were able to develop some relationship . It had upset him to outlive his daughter , especially when he had always expected to die young himself . It 's hard sometimes being the reminder of the sadness , and I think we kids were a little bit of that for them . Even more so for me . Everyone always told me how much I looked like my mom , how much I reminded them of her . I 'm not sure if I realized that completely until I moved back into our ward . Back around some of those friends who were there that day . They still talk about my mom and that 's nice . It 's nice to have her still ' alive ' and not forgotten . But sometimes I still see that sadness in their eyes . It 's gotten better recently but I saw it a lot when we first moved here . They would look at me and they would see my mom and would be sad . They would look at my children and see what my mom was missing , especially with P , and you could see their heartstrings pulled a little bit . I try to get over it but I know I never really will . I had dreams that I won 't get to live . I used to go to the park and on outings a lot with my mom and grandma when I was little . I dreamed of doing that with my kids and mom . I knew she was so excited for me to be a grown up with her . We had gone on the youth conference trek together just a year before and she had written in a note to me a quote from Joan Rivers " It 's a beautiful thing to have your daughter grow old and realize she 's your best friend . " She said she already felt that way about me . I dreamed of my mom taking me off to college and sending me care packages and talking to me on the phone all the time because she hated that I was so far away . She told me that 's how it was going to be . I dreamed of my mom fussing over my wedding and getting so excited for me to get dolled up , the way she had at senior prom . I dreamed of her being there when my kids were born , helping me and telling me what to do and having them over for sleepovers like I had done with my grandma . I don 't get those dreams and sometimes I still get mad about it . Sometimes I still get jealous of those who do , especially when they don 't realize just how lucky they are that they get to . Instead I got nightmares as a freshman in college . I would get nightmares where I had killed a loved one . They got so vivid and real and scary that I was afraid to go to sleep . My roommate used to read me stories and sing me lullabies to help me fall asleep . I hurt but I didn 't want anyone to see that . I didn 't want them to hurt for me . I didn 't want them to be sad about me being sad , they way they had seemed at the funeral . And so I shut them all out without even meaning to . I didn 't know how bad it was until years later when DH and my roommate ( who was one of my hs best friends ) would tell me . I 'm glad they stuck it out . It 's not so bad anymore . The nightmares are different now . Instead , I sometimes have dreams where my mom is in them and has abandoned us . Or she is there trying to be there but I am arguing with her about the fact that she is dead . Those are the unpleasant dreams that leave me unhappy and unsettled the next day . I once was walking to the Celestial Room in the temple and I had the feeling that she was walking there beside me , holding me . It was so strong that I could hardly breathe . I prefer to hang on to that feeling and I sometimes hate that I can 't just feel it whenever . Whenever DH and I truly get into a fight I get mad all over again that I don 't have my mom . He knows it too , and he understands . It 's this weird psychological thing . It must be getting better though because it doesn 't last quite as long , though I think it depends on the ' fight . ' When someone important to me says unkind things to me or is unsupportive of me , I get upset that I don 't have my mom because I know she would not be that way . Don 't get me wrong . . . she told me my faults . But she was only ever being honest , never hurtful , and I always knew she was in my corner . When I was 6 I tried to run away for the first time . She made me a cross stitch that I still have hanging . It says " A Mother is a forever friend . " Sometimes I get mad at her for leaving me and I turn it around . . . but that doesn 't last long either and I usually just laugh at my ridiculousness . I know that 's what she would do . Oh , the pain is definitely still there and just as strong but I don 't think about it as often . The ache will always still exist but in different ways and for different things . But nine years has gone by fast . My mom was 38 when she died suddenly of a brain aneurysm . When I miss her it seems like it 's been forever already . Those memories seem so far and distant . I still have her in me and I think I realize that more now than ever . I can 't be ' fake ' like some people would like me to be because it 's not in the nature she gave me . Honesty and openness are important to me . I try to laugh more because that 's what she did and I know that 's what she wanted of me . I stick up for myself because she used to stick up for me . I don 't forget about myself and my talents just because I am a mother because she never did . I have girlfriends that I do things with because I know how much they enriched her life and how much they meant to her . I think it 's okay to miss my mom and to sometimes be sad about it because she taught me that it 's okay to feel and I know she 'd felt the same way after her mom had died . I make jokes with my children and call them names like ' dork ' and ' nerd ' in a loving way , just like my mom did us . . . because I find that I just can 't help it . I read something in a book called " Motherless Daughters " by Hope Edelman about how a motherless daughter often finds some fulfillment when she has a daughter of her own because she is able to reestablish a mother - daughter bond . I think there is something to be said for that . More and more I see that my mother is still alive in me as a mother . It 's something I 'm happy to see , even though I know she wasn 't perfect . I always wanted to be just like her . My mom 's best friend once told me that our children will always be better parents than us and better people than us because they will see our mistakes and improve on them . They take the best parts of us and fix the worst . I think she was right . I 'm pleasantly surprised when I ' find ' my mom in the random moments of the day and I 'm happy that she was open and honest enough with me that I know what I want and don 't want and that I can be like her , only my own version with my own touch . It 's been nine yeaPosted by |
My sister and I have 3 horses that we trail ride - - a Morab , a Morgan and a Morgan mix . This blog is all about them . By the way , check out my two books " Trail Training for the Horse and Rider " and " Trail Horse Adventures and Advice . I also have the most adorable , loveable cat named Thunder . I call him a mini Maine Coon . He is the light of my life when things go wrong . He will always listen to me and try to comfort and cheer me up . He does a pretty good job of it , too . Since Cruiser is on the disabled list , the tables have been turned on us . Ellen and I used to ride 2 horses together , and then she would hike along as I rode the third . Now , I am the one hiking along as she rides the third . I miss riding Cruiser , of course , but I like going on the walks . Much of the time is spent alone , since I don 't trot , but I have company on my way home . I was out walking with Ellen and Ranger . We saw a jogger that we have been seeing for years , though I don 't know his name . He is out in fair weather as well as foul - just like us . He 's seen me with Ellen and with Kevin many times . He has also seen Kevin out jogging , himself , many times . He was taken aback to see me on foot , and I told him about Cruiser . He jogged on , and Ellen and Range soon followed . Kevin and Starry were up ahead of us , somewhere . I just wandered about , alone , looking at the fall flowers . The jogger came back before Ellen or Kevin . He said he had an idea . He thought that since I was down a horse , I should take up jogging . I said that there was no way I would , and he said that he knew what he would do . ( I can barely type this without chuckling . ) He said , " I will talk to your father , and he will straighten you out . " I don 't know how I kept a straight face , but I didn 't correct him - I was too stunned . He thought Kevin was my father ! When Ellen and Kevin caught up with us , I told them about the encounter , and poor Kevin nearly fell out of the saddle - laughing . ( There is an 18 year difference between our ages , but Kevin looks quite young for his age . Then again , so do I - hence the confusion . ) Going Solo Ellen tends to get anxious when she is riding , which usually has nothing to do with her horses or her skill . It is just part of her personality . Sometimes it gets in the way of her doing as much as she likes , and it causes her frustration . I 'm sure she 's not alone , and hopefully people will be able to conquer their own anxieties as they read about hers . She would like to take Dante on trail rides by herself when there is no one else around . Dante is a great horse , and there is absolutely no reason for her not to - except for that little voice in her head that causes her to hesitate taking the big step . Enter the big sister - me . I had a plan . She would go on a ride by herself to test Dante and prove to herself that she could handle whatever he gave her on her own - with me not too far away . Dante wouldn 't know that I would be close enough to step in and help . Ellen would know , and that would boost her confidence , but Dante would be clueless . She has ridden him without other horses , but I have always been on foot with her . She has trotted off without me , so that 's not the problem . My sister worried most about going down the hill and crossing the river . There have been times when he is a bit balky on the first part of the ride , and she worried that he might not go , might spook , might refuse to cross and probably a half a dozen other things that she didn 't tell me . On all previous rides , once she is across the river , everything goes pretty well . Instead of walking with her , I drove down into the park and waited , hidden in the woods , on the other side of the river . I made sure that she couldn 't find me easily - and Dante wouldn 't see me at all . The first horse to come into view on the other side of the river was Starry . Kevin had left before Ellen , but it was surprising to see that they hadn 't crossed the river , yet . I yelled hello . Starry neighed to me . In the distance , we heard Dante answer . Kevin realized he better hurry if Ellen was going to do this on her own . They scurried across the river and down the trail . Soon , Ellen came into view . She was leading him down the hill , as she usually does and mounted on the convenient mounting block . He hesitated a little at the top of the river bank , but soon , I could hear the " good boys . " They went down the bank , approached the water , stepped in , walked across and then I couldn 't see them . Soon , they were up on the trail , and I announced my presence . She said that right before going up the river bank , he spooked at something , but she managed to get him through . Dante seemed excited , so she just got him trotting and left me in the dust . Eventually , she did meet Kevin and Starry close to the spot where she planned to turn around , and they came back together . The whole experiment was a success , but Ellen still wasn 't quite as confident as she needed to be to do it truly on her own . That meant - let 's do it again . This time , everything went totally flawless . Kevin caught up with Ellen and they went home together . I asked her if she would try to do it alone if the conditions were right , and she said , " Yes , if the weather is good , it is a blue moon , the planets are aligned … " Something like that . I think that means she will . Posted by Ellen and it took a 4 - day weekend to ride , and ride we did . We had the most gorgeous weather you can get in northeast Ohio . It was dry , cool and the humidity was low . There were few bugs and the river was low . It simply couldn 't get better . I will update my blog on the rides in the next few days . We also managed to go out with our best friend , Bonnie and tear down my stone wall garden . Next vacation , we hope to rebuild it . Each day , I have less daylight to ride after work . Since I have to go home to take care of my dog , I just can 't get out to the barn as early as I used to . I think I will only have just one more week of evening trail riding . As it is , I must ride fast to make it home before dark . Alas , such a sacrifice - no more leisurely rides . I am being sarcastic . I love riding fast , and since it is so much cooler , now , I can get away with it . Last year at this time , I was still working with Cole to trot home calmly . Now , calmly doesn 't have to be slow . I just want a steady trot that I can stop whenever I want and that doesn 't morph into a canter . Over the summer , Cole figured it out , and now I can do a lot of trotting towards home , and we get very close without him going out of control from excitement . It is so much fun . Kevin likes doing it , too , so also Starry gets a brisk workout . I don 't canter towards home with him , yet . He is the fastest horse I have ever owned , without a doubt , so I don 't need to add further temptation to him . I used to canter Mingo towards home when we were close , but that would only get him up to the speed of a normal horse . Cruiser and Ranger would just get too excited when we would try it , so we only did it when we were miles away . It is something that you have to do with care . Maybe someday I will try it with Cole , but as long as he does that exciting , fast trot , I don 't think that I will be that tempted . And Dante ? Well , he 's not out with us in the evenings because Ellen is working . When we do ride together and Cole trots very fast , Dante trots faster than he was , but not quite as fast a Cole - yet . He is getting stronger and going faster all the time . Ellen enjoys the faster speed , too , so I think that next summer , we will be going on long and fast rides - the first time we will be able to do that together for years . Back to my diminishing daylight - soon I will be riding in the arena at night . I just can 't get into the idea . It has been such a fun year of trail riding , that it is tough to go back to the arena . Maybe another week … The weather lived up to the forecast this weekend . I was able to take Cole on a fast , short ride on Friday night . it was very hot and humid for this time of year . It was no surprise when it started to rain at night and just didn 't want to end . I brought my niece out to ride with us , but it was still raining . We let her ride Dante in the arena , and he did very well for her level of experience . To keep her humble , we then let her try to ride Cole Train . Cole just can 't stand to be away from me , and unless the rider really knows what to do , it can be a problem . When I left her alone , they managed a few laps at a walk , but then he started to look for me , again . I did have her try to trot , and he made about 5 steps - that 's about all anyone could do except Ellen . In the arena , he launches into his ever - so - lovely show trot - the one I seldom get to see since I am usually doing the riding . She nearly went over his neck . I got tired of watching her struggle , so I rode him for a bit . The rain started to ease up , so we sent her to saddle Ranger for a trip down to the river . As soon as we got outside , the rain resumed . We still went . The river was very high , and I knew , then , that we weren 't crossing on Sunday , either . We trotted a little bit back and forth at the bottom and came back home . Sunday , Ellen rode Dante in the arena while I led Cruiser . Cruiser spooked several times , but Ellen just stopped Dante and he stood there until the fireworks were over . I 'm glad he didn 't get bent out of shape from Cruiser 's antics . Some horses do . I then put Cruiser in the stall and Ellen rode Dante down to the river . After that , we rode Cole and Range 3 trips on the hill . Once , on the bottom , we were going to trot and Cole burst into a couple huge canter strides . I think he liked the cooler weather . Ranger got very upset about that . We walked for a while to settle them down . This is not from my cheap tracphone , but it 's from Ellen 's good smartphone . I just have to get her to take more pictures of him . This is his dining room window chair . He has an old saddle pad on a chair that he likes to sleep on in the afternoon . Posted by On Wednesday , Kevin and I had a short but nice trail ride with Cole and Starry . We did lots of trotting and cantering . I wish the sun didn 't set so soon . I will only have a couple weeks more of ever - shortening rides , and then I will be in the arena . Thursday morning , Kevin went on the same ride with Ellen , since I was at work . They had a fun ride . Dante led the whole way , since Starry refused to take the lead . They trotted from the time they crossed the river until they turned around , and then they walked home . She then took Ranger for a ride . Somehow , she still had energy to go to work . It looks bad for the weekend . They are predicting a lot of rain for tonight and more in the morning . I hope we can at least ride on the hill . The good news is I got a new roof on my house this week , so there is no more worrying that the next storm will be the one that will cause it to leak . It was pretty bad . It looks so nice , now . Poor Thunder was very frightened and spent his time under the chair . He only started purring again last night . He is still being skittish . I went to my 30th class reunion last weekend , and I had a nicer time than I thought I would . I don 't know how we all got so old . I had a very tough time recognizing people . Next time , I hope they make the name tags larger , as my old eyes had trouble reading them . The good news - no one had any trouble recognizing me . Horses keep you young . On the Wednesday before , I went for a ride with Kevin and Starry , and it was so hot and humid . We took it easy and didn 't go that far . On Thursday , Ellen and I took Dante and Cole on a 5 - mile ride . We crossed both rivers with ease . Ellen is getting very confident with the river and Dante and rewarded her with slow and careful crossings . It 's hard to believe he is the same horse that used to rush across and panic if his foot slipped . Now , if he slips , he slows down . Ellen then took Ranger on a short ride with me on foot . ( I can 't keep up when they trot . ) Ranger was very perky - and he was thrilled when he found Kevin on Starry on the trail . They came home with us . It rained overnight , so the river was too high for Dante to cross . We were able to cross with Cole and Ranger , so we took them up to Ranger 's favorite trail - the show ring trail . I don 't know if Ellen will take Dante up there anytime soon - Ranger likes it too much . The goldenrod is in full bloom , and it was very , very pretty . Once again , Ranger was perky . Cole Train could barely contain himself for the first half hour . He settled down after that . Kevin was babysitting , so he said that I could ride Starry on the second ride . I haven 't ridden Starry in years - since I always had 2 riding horses and Ellen had one . Unfortunately , because the river was too high for Dante , we stayed on the hill . The first time I trotted Star , I was shocked . I didn 't remember his trotting to be that rough . The only words that could come out of my mouth were , " This - is - - wrong . " Each time I trotted him , I did a little better . I remembered Ellen saying that you had to post on the very first beat or it takes to long to coordinate your movement with his . That helped . Also , I had to make sure my timing never got behind his . He throws you up very high . In the end , I think I was doing pretty well . Ellen said Starry looked much better , too . I felt very satisfied to have accomplished so much . We did 3 trips on the hill . The only problem with the ride - it rained most of the time . Saturday , the river was still too high for Dante . My younger niece came out , so I took her on a ride . She rode Ranger , and I rode Cole . Kevin joined us with Starry . It was a perfect September day , and all had a fine time - lots of trotting . Poor Ellen only had an arena ride and we met her on her way down the hill with Dante . Sunday , we were able to take Dante and Cole on a ride together . This time , there was a lot more cantering and lots and lots of trotting . We crossed the second river via the ford , since it was too high for short horses like Cole . It is very deep there , and we are lucky to have the option . Dante did well with the ford . Ellen led him , just to be safe . She then rode Ranger while I walked on the trail . Even though it was Ranger 's fourth day in a row , he still did well . I think we have found the right balance of work for him . Monday , it was back to work . Sigh … It didn 't mean I was done riding , though . I was scheduled to feed that night , so I went out to ride . The weather was very cool , but this was day 6 for Cole . I didn 't know how he would be feeling . We went on a short ride with Starry - since it gets dark so soon , now . Anyway , Cole was on fire . He had a lot of energy . We did some fast trotting and some super cantering , turned around and trotted quite a bit on the way home . The ride was only about 45 minutes , but it was intensely fun . Best part - in spite of a vigorous ride , both horses behaved beautifully . Posted by It came time to canter Dante . Ellen tried it in the arena with no luck at all . He just trotted faster . We wrote his old trainer for advice , and he was very helpful . Still , Dante only trotted faster . Plan B - try it on the trail . Ellen and Dante were out with Cole and me and we were at our favorite place to canter . I asked Ellen if I should canter Cole and see if that would tempt Dante to give it a try , and she said to go ahead . Since this is Cole 's favorite place to canter - he was off like a bullet . We got to the next place to cross the river , looked back and there was Dante , trotting along . Ellen said he didn 't canter , but trotted fast for her for the first time . after that , whenever we got to a good stretch of trail , I would ask Cole to trot fast so Ellen could enjoy the new speed . This made me happy . Regardless whether Dante ever cantered - I no longer had to hold Cole back . We didn 't get to ride together until the next weekend . When we got to our favorite spot to canter , we decided to tempt Dante again . This time , I made my transition a little closer to Dante to tempt him even more . As we pulled into the lead , I heard Ellen say , " He 's cantering . He 's going really fast . I 'm scared . " Since Ranger hasn 't been cantering much , anymore , and certainly not as fast has he used to , Ellen just wasn 't used to the faster speed . It didn 't take her long , though . Dante didn 't do any of the silly things that Cole did when I first started cantering him on trail - like bucking , squealing , grunting or bolting away . He just simply cantered - fast and smooth . Thunder was so needy when I was getting ready for work this morning . Most mornings , he is just interested in hunting . Once he gets his teeth brushed , he just stalks the critters from his tower or hiding behind a box by the window . Not this morning . After his breakfast , he wanted me to sit and talk to him while he purred . I brushed his teeth , as usual . Then he wanted me to go with him to the litterbox . After that , he wanted me to go outside and pick him some grass . Then , he wanted me to sit with him while he ate . I had to go upstairs to curl my hair - - and he came with me . He wanted me to snuggle with him by the window in the other bedroom . I was running out of time , and when I explained that to him , he crawled down from the window perch to the ironing board . He slowly stretched out his back legs and curled his tail . Then , forgetting he was on the narrow end of the ironing board , he attempted to flip over on his side . He was able to hang on to the ironing board with his front paws . I assisted in boosting him back up . Ellen and I had a couple of great rides this weekend . She declared that the one on Saturday was the best ride she ever had with Dante . She changed that on Sunday , for she decided that Sunday was the best ride ever . What made them so special ? Dante was perfect . Not once did he misbehave . We did about 5 miles each day with a lot of trotting . In hopes of encouraging Dante to canter on the trail , yesterday I cantered Cole ahead of him . Ellen couldn 't convince him to canter , but for the first time , he offered a fast extended trot . She was ecstatic . She loved the trot so much , that I don 't think she was disappointed at all that he didn 't canter . I was happy that I could do some faster work with Cole . We did some cantering and some very fast trotting , ourselves . Cole is very relaxed and comfortable with Dante . With other horses , even Starry and Ranger who he knows well , he gets nervous on any sign of aggression . Even actions that aren 't aggressive are interpreted as so by Cole . Dante isn 't aggressive at all , and Cole is learning that he won 't have angry faces directed at him . Dante will not try to nip or crowd him , challenge him to a race or even lay an ear back . Yesterday , Dante swished at a bug , and Cole didn 't get scared in the least . When Starry swishes , Cole throws his head up in the air . Cole is learning that he can be a leader without constantly monitoring the horse behind him - when the horse is Dante . Finally , we let them sniff noses when they were resting . Cole didn 't cringe - rather he had the prettiest look of happiness on his face . We are going to start turning them out together . We were reluctant to turn our young horses out with the old guys in fear that the young horses might push the old guys to play too hard . ( We know of horses who have gotten hurt this way . ) Now that we have 2 young horses that appear comfortable with each other , we may have a perfect friendship in the making . They are the same age , and they are going to spend many miles together in the years ahead . It is all the better that they are happy with each other . Ellen and I have some more vacation time this week , so that means more trail miles if the weather cooperates . We love riding in the fall . We look forward to it all year long . This is simply heaven to us . I have been remiss in blogging . Well , there really isn 't much news . The horses were visited by the farrier last week , so they feet were a little tender . We adjusted the rides accordingly . We did try to a different river crossing with Dante , but it didn 't go well . The bank was very , very muddy , and though we were finally able to convince him to step in the mud , he wouldn 't take the last two steps to go into the water . We gave up after a half hour and will work on it another day . It isn 't crucial to cross the river , here . We can cross on the street very easily . I rode Cole with Kevin on Starry last night , and he demonstrated to me that his feet now felt fine . it was a lovely night - cool and few bugs . I didn 't even put spray on him . We did a lot of trotting and a little bit of cantering . When we got back , I let Cole outside to play , and he ran and ran and ran . He evidently loves the weather , too . When I was doing Cruiser 's physical therapy walk , I tested him on the trot . I saw a measurable improvement from last week . Once he tried trotting , that 's all he wanted to do . When I wouldn 't let him trot , he gaited . He gave me quite a workout . At times , he became quite unmanageable - as only a 26 - year - old part Arab can . His brain wants to go , but his body isn 't ready for it . What 's he going to be like when it is really chilly out ? I was glad to see some improvement . Posted by A Happy Starry Kevin has owned Starry D for a few years , now . He is a really good horse for Kevin . He 's friendly , gentle and usually list . . . I figured out what our dog is . She is a Sprollie - - a Border Collie / Spaniel mix . Whether she was intentional or an accident , we will never k . . . I only had enough daylight to ride Cruise on trail . We went with my boyfriend and Starry . It was a very nice ride . When I got back , I d . . . |
Slowly , they both walked over to the couch , shyly taking each other 's hands before sitting down . As soon as he was down , Nick popped back up again , realizing being in the hospital was no excuse for being a bad host . " I 'm sorry , did you want something to drink ? There might be some sodas , or I can make tea … " " Nick , sit down , " Chelsea said , pulling him back down . He did , looking down at her hands . Chelsea wondered if he didn 't want to be alone with her . Just because his behavior down by the docks seemed like his feelings matched her own , didn 't mean they really did . Deciding it was better to clear the air , Chelsea said , " You know , we really need to talk don 't we ? " Not sure where to begin , they stared a few minutes more at each other , worried what the other might have to say . Nick decided it was time he should go first . " Chelsea , I hardly know where to begin . These last few months have been , I don 't even really know how to describe them , it 's like nothing I could have imagined , even in my nightmares . " Chelsea sweetly smiled , squeezing his hand . The touch gave him further courage to keep going . " I had given up , on everything . But you were there , everyday , coming by as often as possible . I know … I know I didn 't treat you right . I didn 't want you there , I said so , when that didn 't work I would ignore you . " Nick went on , " I really didn 't try to understand why I was pushing you away . Dr . Evans wanted me to understand to some extent how the drugs affected me , which I got , but I wasn 't sure I wanted to open myself back up to you . I just … I was scared . So when Melanie came by today … " " Melanie came by ? " Chelsea interrupted , her heart sinking further . " Well , that 's good , um , you wanted to see her . You 've been . . waiting on her to … " " I thought I did , " Nick said , slowly smiling . Chelsea 's face clearly showed the pain and vulnerability in it , and her feelings to him now were clear . " She 's forgiven me for my part in Trent 's death and the deception , and she was worried I hated her which , of course , I don 't . She wanted to see if we could be go back to the way things were . I told her … " The pause forced Chelsea to stop staring at his hands and look up at him . She was so scared where he was going with this . " You told her … what ? " " That while I 'll always care for her , our relationship is over . It wasn 't until she was in front of me that I knew what I did feel , it might have been love at one time , was now gone . I have affection for her still , but I know now we can 't go back . " " I … Oh , Nick , I promised myself all I hoped from everything was that you would get better . As much as I missed you and wanted you back , I could live with knowing you were ok , living your life and , of course , happy . I thought watching you with Melanie a month or two ago was difficult enough , but seeing you unravel and disappear before lost inside yourself was excruciating . Nick put his hand on her cheek , caressing it , which stopped her speaking . Smiling , he said , " Oh , Chelsea , you were helping me . In fact , it 's because of you I 'm back . I mean , they said you were taken hostage on TV and immediately , it was like , this layer of darkness that was holding me down vanished . You were in danger and there was no way in hell I could ignore that . " " Oh , Nick , " Chelsea said , tears filling her eyes . Nick leaned in , slowly , barely touching her lips with his . Pulling back , his eyes stared into hers , the desire evident between them . Tilting his head , he reached back down and kissed her . As the kisses got longer and longer , Nick 's hands began working their way down Chelsea 's blouse . The cool air was hitting her body as the fabric was slowly slipping off . The kisses paused to allow for this , but their eyes never left each other 's , afraid once they did the spell would be broken . The kissing resumed but Nick 's shirt became unbuttoned , though still on . Chelsea loved the feel of his chest under hands , and she ran them up under the shirt to his begin massaging back . Nick had to break free to groan which Chelsea took the time to kiss his chin , then his throat and neck . He enjoyed the attention for awhile but eventually missed tasting her and maneuvered himself to give kisses up and down the nape of her neck . Nick finally pulled away , realizing the couch was not the place he wanted to reunite with her . Sitting up , he gazed at her , marveling in how beautiful she looked . Swallowing and trying to gain some composure , he said , " Would you like to head to my bedroom ? " It took a beat for Chelsea to come to her senses and listen to what he was saying . Her eyes kept fluttering down to his chest , she realized he had been working out some since their last time together . Glancing back up to his face , Chelsea finally got out the words she wanted to say earlier , " I would love to , and I love you , Nick Fallon . " The next morning , Chelsea woke slowly , her eyes opening one by one . Glancing down , she realized her head was resting on Nick 's chest . Without thinking about it , she gave a soft kiss to her human pillow . " Good morning , " she heard him say . " It 's about time you should wake up . I was worried how I was going to gently get you awake . " He laughed , " At 9 : 30 in the morning ? I doubt it . But it 's time we got up and joined the rest of the world . Especially me , it 's time I rejoined life . " Chelsea frowned as Nick got up , clearly he was serious about this . " Well , I don 't know if you need join anything yet . I like having you all to myself . " Leaning in , he kissed her softly . Finally , pulling her away , he said , " Well , we do need to take a shower , and you know my passion … for the environment … didn 't falter while in the hospital . We should conserve water and … " It was a couple of days later when Nick and Chelsea pulled up in front of the Kiriakis mansion . As they got out of the car , both stood looking up at the stately manor , its formal façade towering over them . Chelsea walked to the back of the car and got out two empty suitcases . She hoped they would be enough to get everything . " Are you sure you 're ready to do this ? " Nick asked , worried . In spite of the rude awakening Chelsea got about this side of her family , he knew she still loved her grandfather and wished there was another way to make a stand . " No , I 'm sure . The last couple of days Grandpa and Philip have made it clear they are going to deny any responsibility to what happened . You know , I must have been blind living here and not seeing what was going on . I guess I knew at some level , but I ignored it , it was easier to look at Victor and see his paternal side . He can seem like such a caring and loving man , and forget all about what everyone else already knew . " " No , there was no way around other then wanting you , I was a goner that first time you sneered at me , " and he leaned in for a quick kiss . " But I wasn 't just asking about leaving here . You can always move in with your dad and Stephanie still wants a roommate . You sure you want to move in with me ? " The decision they made was whispered to be too rash given that Nick just got out of the hospital . But Chelsea shook her head , " No , that one is easy . " Just to further seal the decision , she leaned up and kissed him again . Stepping inside , Chelsea asked Henderson where her grandfather was . Before he could answer , a loud voice was heard down the hall . Without missing a beat , Henderson stated firmly , " I believe you 'll find him in the library . " The voices got louder as they got closer , Nick could pick out both Victor and Philip , and wondered if maybe now was a good time . Opening the door , Chelsea 's presence immediately shut both men up . Victor , his red face and glaring eyes looked for the first time to Nick as the typical mob boss he really was . However , upon seeing his beloved granddaughter , Victor 's stature changed and he quickly ran over to give her a hug . " Chelsea , dear ! I didn 't know you were coming back today ! If I had known , I would have had cook prepare you something special . " He stepped back and Chelsea started to open her mouth , but had to pause when she saw Victor 's affectionate face . For a few seconds , Nick wondered if she would give in , and agree to come back , but finally , she stood firm and broke the news . " I 'm sorry , Grampa , I 'm not coming back . In fact , we 're here to get my things . " " What ? " Victor looked over at Nick who stood his ground as well . There was a time when a glare from Victor would have sent Nick out of the room but Nick was more then prepared to defend Chelsea 's decision . Walking past the men , Chelsea shook her head , " Oh , yes I do . I 'm sorry , Philip , Grampa . I love you both , and am very appreciate for you making this my home but now I have to do what 's right . I can 't continue living here knowing what you really are . " " Well , for lack of a better word , criminals . " Nick hid a smile . Seeing Chelsea act so sure and confident of herself , he really was quite proud . He knew inside she was a bubbling mess , but Victor and Philip were only aware of the woman they saw on the outside . Victor , wasn 't so impressed . " I see , so you leave our house to go where ? With this lunatic who could attack you at anytime ? " " How dare you … " Chelsea began , but Nick waved her quiet . He could speak for himself . " I am sorry for my mistakes , Mr . Kiriakis . I regret everything that happened , but unlike you , I have taken responsibility for my actions . I may be out of the hospital now , but I 'm still seeing Dr . Evans for my addiction … " Stepping outside , Nick stood like a guard at the door . Philip stood with him . Nick had nothing to say to Philip , he was still angry that whatever he was doing nearly got Chelsea and Stephanie killed . Nick had to calm his emotions . Philip made it sound like it was a gesture for them , rather then an obvious self - serving defense tactic . " I 'm sure that helps you more than them . " In all fairness , Philip looked chagrinned . " Yes , it probably does . But I hated that they would be put in a position like that and it would have been hard on them . " " Yes , yes , it must be wonderful when you always have that moral high ground to stand on , " he said icily . " That might have worked for you , what with the pills and the Horton family standing behind you in court . I 'm a Kiriakis , and the judges here look for ways to throw the book at us . " " If you want me to feel sorry for you , I don 't , " Nick said , matching Philip 's own glare . " You have , at your fingertips , the money and resources to do things people only dream about . You already have a successful business , running on it 's own , why do you need the criminal one ? Instead of funneling money into that , you could take it and really make a difference in the world . Make it a better place for others . " Philip started to say something , but seemed to consider Nick 's words . He shook his head , " Someone said that to me before , actually just last week . I mean at least with trying to use our money to help the world . I just teased her about it . " " Yea , well , " Philip shrugged . Nick noticed for the first time he really looked defeated . " It makes no difference now . My father has regained control of Titan , and I 've stepped down as CEO . I 'll be lucky to have anything to do with Titan when this is all over . " Nick didn 't agree with Philip 's actions , but he could sympathize at the situation . He himself had gotten caught up in a scandal and lost his job over it . Well now he 's lost two jobs since the university cancelled his contract . " Well , when the Salem lab fired me after I admitted to messing up , I could have sat around feeling sorry for myself , or I could look for another career . Maybe you need that too . " Philip considered Nick 's words . Chelsea stepped out , tears in her eyes . Victor was behind her , wiping away tears himself . Ignoring Philip , Chelsea took Nick 's hand , " Let 's go upstairs and pack . " Nick felt Chelsea squeeze his hand . They were done with hanging the ornaments on the tree , always a reverent tradition in the Horton family . As everyone disbanded from the ceremony , Nick felt his mother 's arms around him . He turned and gave her a hug , the bells on his Santa hat ringing as he moved . Nick pulled away and smiled at his dad . They had made sure to come over for Christmas , a gesture to see their son and make sure he was really ok for themselves . Nick was so glad to see them , he still flinched at how he treated her just a few weeks ago . Eventually his parents started mingling with the rest of the crowd . People weren 't used to seeing them so they were catching up on old times . Nick 's eyes scanned the living room , and he noticed Hope walking around cleaning up . She was going to walk away , but Nick touched her shoulder . That 's when she knew he had more to say . He had never apologized to Hope for his unfair treatment of her after he found out about his mom 's history . It was the one thing that had been eating at him since leaving the hospital . He wanted to get her alone to talk but Hope was never alone . Between her job , Ciara , the rest of the family and it being Christmas , he hadn 't had a chance to nonchalantly approach her . He was going to rectify that tonight . " Hope , I wanted to say , well , first I need to say that I was really hard on you back in November . Unfairly so . I blamed you for being in the dark about my family 's history . " Hope flushed , still feeling guilty . " Our family 's history , Nick . And it was understandable that you looked to me to explain it . I 've been the one telling you the most about our family , I should have told you about the dark past as well . " " Well , I wanted to explain though , why I took it so hard . See , you 're more then a cousin to me , you 're like … " Nick flushed , getting embarrassed . " I guess most guys will wish they had a big brother . Not me , I wanted a big sister . That 's weird , I know , but I always imagined that she would be kind and sweet and understanding , and that 's how you are . You 're the big sister I always wanted . " Her gesturing to Chelsea across the room made him blush as bright as his Santa hat he wore . Deciding he needed to cool off , he took the garbage bag from her , insisting he would throw it away . She thanked him . Philip never liked to beat around the bush , but as he kept trying to start , he had a hard time concentrating due to Nick 's appearance . " Um , look , this isn 't easy . Can you … can you take your hat off ? " Smiling , Nick took it off , wondering what his hair must look like . Philip was now ready to get to business . " Nick , I thought a lot of what you said when you were helping Chelsea move out . Well , you said a lot of things that made me think , but mostly about how to make a world a better place . " " Yea , I am still not giving up on it though . " Philip nodded , " Well , you shouldn 't . It 's a good idea , one I think that 's important and , well , I wanted to let you know , I 'd be willing to fund it up again . " Nick was taken aback , this was the last thing he expected . The offer was tempting , he so wanted to bring it back , but no matter how much it meant to him , he didn 't want anything to do with Titan . " Thank you , Philip , that is very generous , but I 'm afraid , well , I 'd prefer if it were a stand alone project , and with Titan in trouble lately … " Philip smiled , he knew Nick would think that . " Well , first , let me assure this would be a stand alone project . You would be running it and could hire a couple of assistants . They would work for you . It 's just the funding would be from a corporation . " " And it wouldn 't come from Titan . " Nick looked surprised , making Philip smile . Gesturing to a nearby bench , both men sat down . Philip explained , " You said something else to me that got my attention . How when you lost your job before , you were able to jump into a new career , but still doing what you loved . It got me thinking , at Titan , I really enjoyed running the company . That business aspect of it , I was born for it but the company itself … well , I 'll always be seen as my father 's son . " Anyway , with my mom 's passing , as hard as it was , she left Mythic to both Lucas and me , but gave her operating control . Up until now , I 've left Lucas in charge but he 's admitted , he 's in over his head . He 's not run a company before and he needs help . I see this as a way to make a name for myself doing what I really enjoyed . " Philip nodded , " Yes , I have . I 've poured over Mythic 's books . The company was strong enough to survive with my mom in the hospital but I have a new direction for it . That said , there is a strong cash repository which would be nice to use , as you said , to make the world a better place . " " Trusting you is easy , Nick , " Philip said , a twinkle in his eye . " It 's confidence in you that you know what you are doing , but I have taken the liberty of reviewing your notes on the project so far . I know someone at Salem U 's board and they gave me full access . " Nick nearly rolled his eyes . Leave it to Philip to basically admit this generous offer was also a sound business decision . Still , Nick couldn 't deny working on the fuel alternative project solely was very tempting . " Well , I have to tell you this does sound intriguing but you 've given me a lot to think about . " " She 's the widow of the man who died a few weeks ago . My guard who died . Goodman . I , um , went to go see her and she made it clear … that this business was something Goodman had wanted to leave . He had a family , and didn 't want them to get stuck in this line of work but it seems , well , he worked for my father and Dad made it clear you don 't stop working for the Kiraikis . " Nick listened to Philip who was gazing forward . Something told him that this talk with the Goodman widow did far more to push him into this decision then Nick 's words weeks earlier . " Well , Philip , I have no problem with that . " Standing up with him , Philip explained , " Please consider , Nick . The tax breaks are for your benefit , not Mythic 's . With them in place , the funds given to you would stretch a good deal further then if you were hear in Salem . " Nick closed his eyes , Philip was right . Nick knew he was being unfair to Philip . If another business tycoon had approached him , Nick wouldn 't have questioned this consideration . Opening his eyes , Nick could see into the house . His gaze settled on Chelsea who was in standing by Bo while holding Ciara . The vision was bittersweet , she looked perfect there , but how could he take her away from her family ? As if reading his mind , Philip walked in front of the window , blocking his gaze . " Again , think about it Nick . Talk it over , see what Chelsea says . " Nick nodded , not wanting to say no right now . Extending his hand , he and Philip shook . Nick went back inside , putting his Santa hat back on . The warmth of the house did little to ease his mind , he wanted to accept Philip 's proposal so much , but how could he do that ? Walking into Nick 's apartment , Chelsea put the leftovers Maggie insist they take into the fridge . She smiled as she heard Nick jingling as he plopped down on the couch . Glancing over to him , she saw him reach up to remove his hat , but she ran over , stopping him . He ran into the bedroom as Chelsea glared after him , irritated he would rather do something else . When he came back in , he was carrying a large present . Knowing it was for her , helped appease her lust , for now . She opened it up , while Nick stood smiling . Inside was a beautifully carved box . Taking it out carefully , she opened it up to find papers inside . " What is this ? " The box had dividers in it , and each one noted different times . She reached into the one marked " LS " and pulled it out . " This is … this an email from you to me when I thought you were Shane Patton . " " Yea , Lonely Splicer , " he gulped , suddenly nervous the whole thing was a stupid gesture . " That 's one section . Then there is another of some emails we traded when we first went out . And then of course last year when we got back together . " " I … I don 't know what to say … " Chelsea 's hands started shaking . " What 's this last section … it 's handwritten stuff . " She began to pull them out but Nick stopped her . " While I was in the hospital , Marlena had me writing a journal , err , diary type thing . It was really difficult at first . So she suggested I make it like a letter . That didn 't make it any easier , until I started addressing them to you . These … these are what I wrote in there . " Her mouth dropped and she turned to look at him . Nick kept staring at the box , obviously nervous . Chelsea knew he was waiting to tell him what she thought , but she was so overcome with emotion she had a hard enough time voicing the words . He pulled it out to reveal a globe . Chelsea began to smile as he looked excitedly at it . Nick was someone who could get excited about almost anything , so it came no surprise to her he was staring at the cities around the world , and the calligraphy . " Nick , I know you 've looked around town . It 's unlikely for you to get another job here in Salem where you can do what you love to do . So I 've been prepared for us to begin looking in other cities … " " Nick , yes , you can . Together , remember ? " She wrapped her arm around his , placing her head on his shoulder . " Besides , I can visit them and they us . " " Chicago has all the best shops and some great schools ! Morgan lives there too ! " She said as if it was all settled . " It 's actually not too far from Salem , we can get here in only a few hours . " Again , Chelsea reached out to turn Nick 's head to face her . " She told me before she died where that money came from . Of course , by then I had already used it for your bail so it 's kind of funny how it came full circle like that … " " Oh don 't you get snotty with me , Mr . Fallon , " Chelsea 's tone making it clear she wasn 't arguing about this . " We can both use that money now . Besides I can still go to school … " " No , we can use that for a down payment . But I didn 't tell you Grandma Kate did leave me money when she died in her estate . It was generous , actually more then I would have ever expected , but once she got in the hospital and realized she was dying , she liquidated her assets , sold her condo , and … " Seeing he was giving in , she smiled , knowing this was the best thing for him , and therefore , her too . Hugging his waist , she said , " Besides , Philip is counting on you to take this offer . If you say no , there goes the opportunity for him to do something for the greater good . " " And then , Nick fell down , prompting Chelsea to roll her eyes again at him … " Steve said , while everyone laughed . Maggie was hosting a going away party for Nick and Chelsea at Chez Rouge . All their friends and family were there , and some had started telling stories of their early days . With that , many raised their glasses shouting " here , here . " Nick glanced over at Chelsea who grinned back at him , relief on their faces the embarrassing stories were finally over . Leaning over to Nick , she joked , " You know , I was missing my mom and Grandma Kate but realizing what stories they knew , maybe it 's not so bad . " Nick responded with a laugh , but he knew Chelsea really didn 't mean it . She missed both Billie and Kate very much . He hoped as soon as he had time , he would surprise her with a trip to London . " So , did I rescue you ? " Hope sat down at their table , her smile evident . " Yes , cousin , you did . Thank you . " Nick nodded gratefully . With a shaky voice , Hope said , " Just , promise me you 'll keep in touch . I know it 's hectic when you are trying to setup a new life in a new city , but Bo and I are going to miss you terribly . Salem isn 't going to be the same … " She broke up then , and Chelsea too was crying . Standing up , both women hugged . Nick felt they needed a little privacy , and quietly slipped away . Chelsea pulled back , sniffing , " Will you look at us ? We look like we 've been crying all night ! " He nodded , " I know . It 's tough letting you go . But , I know you have to do this , and you were never more ready . " Chelsea nodded , but tears welled up again . She had to get a hold of herself , she wanted to say so much . " Dad , I do want you to know , the surgery last year , I 'd do it all over again , even knowing … " She couldn 't finish . Again , they hugged with Hope looking on . They pulled apart slightly , and Chelsea leaned in for Hope to get on her other side . Chelsea smiled , " You know , when Ciara gets a little older , she 's going to have to come up and visit her big sister … " Nick returned his drink at the bar but refused a refill . He turned around , watching Chelsea with Bo and Hope . The picture they made was bittersweet , the guilt immediately bubbling up within him . He had to remind himself Chelsea was the one so insistent on taking this job , but there was little doubt who the move benefitted the more : himself . " Nick , " cried Maggie . She threw her arms around him . Nick returned the hug but he had to hide a smile . Maggie had been crying since he announced their attentions of moving , and he wondered if she was ever going to recover . " Well , I had to be strong ! " She said , sternly . Composing herself , she cleared her throat , " I do want to say though , I 'm so proud of you . I know what you went through was not easy , and to not just recover but take charge of your life like this … it 's amazing . " Nick took his aunt 's arm and they began walking , " Now , you know I don 't deserve all credit for that . I owe so much to so many people . You especially . And you know , it 's not just about these last few months . It 's the years I 've spent here . The minute I came to Salem , you welcomed me with open arms . It was the first time we met , but you made me feel like I belonged here with you , with the Hortons and in Salem . " She took his hand , " Oh , Nick , you do belong here . I could see that instantly . But , you have come a long way from the gangly , awkward young man who tripped over my front door . " " Ok , deal ! " They hugged and Nick found himself growing sad . He really did adore his aunt ; she was a woman who had such capacity to allow anyone to feel accepted and love . " CHELSEA ! " Nick said , his face turning red . Both girls howled with laughter , and he realized she was doing it to get a rise out of him . " Yea , it 's tough . I 'm trying to concentrate on the positives , starting this new life with Nick is exciting and seeing Morgan ! I 'm real excited about that . " Chelsea said . " Yea , she 's trying to fit us into a traditional bungalow , but I 'm not sure that will fit with us yet . Nick wants a fixer upper , and that worries me , you know , him with a hammer . " Both girls giggled . " You know , Chelsea , we used to hate each other , remember ? " Chelsea shook her head , " No , I don 't . You 've always been my friend , my best friend . " Glancing at Chelsea , Melanie shook her head . " No , I think it 's best I just come in and out . I wanted to just tell you goodbye , and to thank you . Again , for everything . " " Oh yea , I 'm going to go back to school . College that is . I feel kind of old , I 'm 21 and a freshman . It 's weird . " Nick gave her a look but she let him know she was teasing with her smile . He smiled back , but Melanie could plainly see the fire he used to reserve for her was gone . Looking down , she handed him a gift bag . " I got you something . " " Really ? You didn 't have to do that ! " He reached in and pulled out a binder . Looking at it , it was similar what he made for her in France , but instead of fashion , it showed house clippings . Inside the binder were checklists on home features as well as places for pictures or flyers to be saved . Though Nick was glad to be back with Chelsea , seeing her gift brought a lump to his throat . " Oh Melanie . " She shrugged nonchalantly , " Now , it 's no big deal there , Nick . Don 't you go getting all sappy over it . I just wanted you to be as ready for this as you possibly could be . I know how … neatness means to you . " Putting the binder back into the bag , he leaned over and hugged Melanie , taking her by surprise . For a few minutes , she gave into the feeling , allowing herself to believe the hug was more then she knew it to be . Sadly for her , it didn 't last nearly long enough . Glancing over his shoulder at the truly lucky girl , Melanie decided to lighten the mood . " Well , you better be careful . A guy over there has his hands all over her . " Nick glanced over , smiling when he saw who Melanie was referring to . " That 's Will Roberts . He 's just come back from Europe , Sweden I think . He 's always had a crush for her , he 's her cousin . Well , he 's mine too actually . And he 's actually a cousin to her twice because Sami is his mother who … " " That 's ok , " Melanie said , wanting to be spared the details of the tangled Brady family tree . " I just wanted to say goodbye properly to you . And wish you well , and let you know , if Chelsea ever treats you bad again , give me a call , I 'll teach her a lesson . " Chelsea smiled , hoping it wouldn 't be long before they found out . As they danced , Chelsea thought back to her life in Salem , with the Bensons and as a Brady . " Nick , when you decided to move here to Salem , were you more nervous or less than you are now ? " Nick thought about it . It was a good question . " I have to say I was more in the dark , I was younger , I had never lived on my own before , and I was about to start my career at the time . And that in itself makes it scarier . But now , heading off to Chicago isn 't so unknown to me . I mean , I guess this year has taught us who the heck knows what 's really in store for us , but … with you by my side , I know that whatever does happen , we can handle it . " " Dad ! Hope ! " squealed Chelsea as Nick followed behind . The two had returned for the annual picnic Bo and Hope threw every year at their house . Emerging from the car , Chelsea was so excited she couldn 't wait to run in and see them . Chelsea smiled , and Nick agreed . He wasn 't sure about Chelsea 's old room , the bed was a bit too small for both of them , but maybe it would do . He couldn 't deny Chelsea a night away from her beloved family anyway . Heading out to the backyard , all the guests greeted them with enthusiasm . The happiness was mutual . While Nick and Chelsea had managed to create a happy life in Chicago , it was really great to come back to Salem and see everyone again . As soon as he got the chance , Nick stole Hope away , into the kitchen . " Listen , I needed to talk to you . I know , I should wait when you aren 't trying to host a party for a hundred people , but I can hardly wait and I needed to tell someone and I thought maybe you wouldn 't mind if you wanted to listen but please tell me now if you need to get back out there cause if I start … " " No , no , " he said , " Grandma Fallon 's . She died a few years ago and I 'm the only grandson on that side . I was told it was her mother 's and I wanted to give it to Chelsea . Do you think she will like it ? " " Oh , sweetie , " Hope said , tears glistening , " She 's gonna love it . I know you two are happy out there . Chelsea has been emailing us pictures of the house , it 's really coming along . " He put the ring up , careful not to drop it . " We 've worked hard on the house . We got such a good deal on it , it 's not a huge place but I think it just … fits us , you know ? It 's a lot of work but it 's coming along , that 's why I brought this here . I wanted to ask her here , in Salem . Where we met , and without a renovation around us . " He laughed with her , but he felt very nervous . In spite of how busyness of the year , his new job , and settling into a new house , he and Chelsea were happier then ever . However , would she agree this is the next step ? " Chelsea , " Melanie said , icily . Chelsea returned the greeting . Melanie had moved on from Nick , but she still had a soft spot for him , and was not thrilled to see Chelsea looking so fantastically happy . " Here , Melanie , I got you this punch , " came Will . Chelsea rolled her eyes , it was obvious that her cousin had a huge crush for Melanie . This had to be stopped . Turning around to greet him , she beamed a smile at him . She hoped she could find a trace of regret from him they were no longer together , but sadly , he showed none . " I 'm fine , Nick , glad to see you . " " No , no , I find that college here suits me and I 'm getting close to picking a major . " Melanie frowned , she did miss her brother . " So it is working out , you were worried about being slightly older then your class . " He said , while leaning up against a table . Nick glanced behind her and saw Chelsea gesturing wildly to Will . Remembering Will 's attentions to Melanie , he teased , " I see you 've got your own group of admirers . Will in your class ? " " Yea , he is , " She sighed . " Honestly , he 's got an annoying crush on me . He 's a sweet kid , but not my type , I 'm not interested in dating a nineteen year old . Right now I 'm dating someone older named Chad . " Stephanie and Chelsea took some drinks , wandering around the yard . Stephanie asked her cousin , " So how 's the house coming ? The pictures you have been sending lately look like a totally different house then those first ones ! " " Oh , I know , " Chelsea agreed . " I was worried when Nick said we could do a lot of the work ourselves , but you know what ? He 's pretty good working on this kind of stuff . " " Don 't you have some ? " Nick said , looking down . Taking her glass , she tossed the drink in the yard and then handed it to Nick , " Now , I don 't . Pretty please ? " So then Stephanie clammed up and wouldn 't say a thing , Nick ! " Chelsea said , irritated . " I mean , it 's obvious , there is something between her and Philip so why won 't she just admit it ? " Chelsea stopped glaring at her boyfriend , had he not listened to her ? " Nick Fallon , what is wrong with you . You drag me out of the house , insisting we take this moonlight walk when it 's hot as Hades , and now when I do talk , you don 't even listen ! " He then kneeled down , and Chelsea 's heart practically leaped out of her chest . She knew inevitably they would get married , there was no one else for either of them ; she couldn 't imagine a life without him . But she didn 't expect it to be today . " Oh , the ring , shoot , I can 't believe I forgot to take it out . " He pulled out the box , and slowly but with trembling hands , he opened it . The sight of it took her breath away . Like this : Like Loading . . . One thought on " Monster 50 - 55 " holo 37 says : September 2 , 2009 at 3 : 18 pm Well after real life rudely interrupted I finally got the chance to read this . It was so good ! How much better would Days have been to play out this way ? From Nick 's gradual addiction to Chelsea FINALLY admitting to herself that her " love " for Dr . Dan was just infatuation … . Perfect . I even cared about Melanie … a little . Really Really well done Tripp ! Thank you . |
He had planned to go to Petey the Possum 's , but not to hurt him . He was just going to scare him and explain why it was wrong to have friends like Chipper and Chopper . When he got there though , he saw Bertie the Bunny and Wally the Weasel going in . Then he heard Petey scream . As he ran across the opening toward Petey 's tree , he saw something he had sort of expected . Billy the Badger came running out from the bushes , gun in hand . Billy stopped when his eyes fixed on the squirrel . He looked confussed for a moment , until his old friend hissed at him . " Wally and Bertie . " " They 'd get off . " The squirrel said standing up and starting to stalk the two of them . " You can 't . " Billy said , grabbing his arm . " Take your hand off me Billy . " He snapped . " If you 're not going to take me in , then just leave me the hell alone . " Outside of Benny 's Dinner , Wally made a phone call . " He went nuts . " Wally said into the phone . " Started cutting bits of the tard off . " Had they been watching carefully , they would have seen a grey squirrel slowly moving towards them . They might also have seen the small mouse who served as owner and short order cook , coming from the other direction . Bertie stared at the ground though , and only looked when the squirrel deliberately kicked a can across the street . " You don ' ts talk . " Wally snapped . " Fuck . " Bertie said as he saw the squirrel pull a knife from his pocket and depress the button that snapped the blade into place . Bertie started to reach into his pocket , but there was suddenly a weight on his back . Wally turned to see the mouse , in white pants and a t - shirt , leap on Bertie 's back and wrap a length of wire around his neck twice before pulling the ends tight . Bertie made a sound like " GACK ! " before all sound was cut off . The bunny reared back and the two of them smashed into the phone booth , toppling it over . Wally watched the phone as he fell over , and the glass shattered around him . His face was cut by the falling shards and his snout was broken when the phone snapped off and crashed into his face . He was just getting to grips with the pain of this when there was a new sharp , painful stab in his side . A paw pressed his head against the glass and pavement and someone started to talk to him . A fresh lance of pain went up from his neck , where the squirrel had slashed across the vein . He could feel himself bleeding out , and still tried to pull himself from the wreckage of the phone booth . He died before he could so much as pull himself up though , and he slumped back into the booth . " How are you Benny ? " He asked , looking at the dead weasel . " Fine . " Benny said , putting his foot into Bertie 's back and using his full weight to make sure that the bunny was dead . He started to make a swinging motion , pulling the ends back and forth . " Just making sure . " The thin metal wire cut in deep and the white fur around Bertie 's neck started to turn pink . Benny let one end go and made a quick knot , yanking hard to make sure the air would remain cut off and left Bertie in place . He then pulled out a pair of small wire cutters and snipped the ends away , so as to take the wooden dowels he used for handles with him . " Been wanting an excuse to kill this bastard for years . " Benny said . " Damn Vichy collaborator gets to come over here and kill our people . " " Yeah . " The squirrel nodded . " They killed Petey . " " I know . " " Can 't let Big Tony get away with that . " He reached into Wally 's coat and extracted the hand gun , checking the shells and replacing the one fired round with a fresh shell he found in Wally 's pocket . " Can 't Benny . " He said . " So long as weasels and Vichy scum can come over here , like the war never happened , and kill decent forest folk like that . " He left Benny , and started his way to Big Tony 's . It was surprisingly close , even though Benny 's place was no dive , it was not in the better part of the forest . One would think that Big Tony could afford to live somewhere else . He slid the revolver into his pocket and went looking for him . It wasn 't hard to get into the night club , wasn 't hard to get to Big Tony . The whole thing seemed just a little too easy , but he didn 't let that bother him . There were small red squirrels dancing on the stage , wearing far less than the Morality Board would allow if their influence could ever penetrate this sort of place . He saw Ruby , waiting the tables , as he walked in . Better not to let on he knew her though , better not to get her involved . " Hello Tony . " He said standing across from the massive fat raccoon as he approached the table . " I only came to find something out . " He said , sitting down and letting his hand drift into his pocket . " Did you send Wally and Bertie to get Petey tonight ? " " I want to have a talk with Petey . " Big Tony said . " Some friends of his have gotten themselves into some trouble with me and I want to know if he was involved . " " Damn right it was . " He said , pulling out the revolver and pointing it at the middle of Big Tony 's mass . " And why do you say talk when Bertie and Wally killed the poor possum ? " The music had died , everyone was watching the squirrel pointing his gun at the raccoon . The entire room held its breath , waiting for the next thing to come . " All I wanted was to talk to him . " Big Tony said . " Wally called me and said Bertie got out of hand . What he did to Petey was mercy . " " Mercy ? " the squirrel asked , and fired four times into the big fat raccoon . He then turned and fired into the skull of the stoat sitting next to him , but another gunner fired and he felt knocked off his feet . He fell to the floor , but managed to turn around and shoot the second stoat off balance . He got to his feet , grabbing a gun from one of the fallen and put to more rounds into the second stoat 's head . He started to stumble out of the club and without realizing she was there , found himself leaning on Ruby . " You shouldn 't be here . " He told her as they stumbled out into the night . " Go home , spend all the acorns , buy a place in the city . " He fell down , under the glow of a solitary street lamp . She cradled his head as he lay , gasping and trying to remember what you were supposed to do if you got shot . He couldn 't remember , bleed out seemed like the obvious answer . There seemed to be sirens , but they were far off in the distance . He could have sworn he heard Billy 's voice , asking what happened , but it didn 't seem to matter anymore . Nothing matters , just let it go . All the pain is over , all the struggle is gone . Ruby will be fine , she 's a rich squirrel now . She won 't even be able to enter her tree for all the nuts stuffed in there , she and just leave for the city tonight and find a nice safe place . He could feel a comforting coldness , and there was some kind of music , and a warm dark coming in . He closed his eyes , and embraced the darkness . " So it 's over . " Owl said . " Big Tony is gone , and the whole thing is wound up in a nice little package . " " It 's not . " Billy said . " There 's all the nuts that Ruby had , there was some situation that the group was in dutch with Tony about . " " She just happened to get them . " Owl said , while stuffing his pipe . " Who cares how ? If we find out those were Chopper 's nuts , what good does it take to give them back ? Let this one close , and let nice people get away to the city . " " The law is an ass . " Owl said , lighting a match . " Listen , take your retirement . I 'll shuffle the books a little , make it that your time is up . I think this forest has gotten to you . You deserve time away . Take it . " Billy left Owl 's office , left the tree , and thought about just leaving the forest entirely . He felt like a fraud , like a shadow puppet of a police officer . There was no law , no order , just a level of corruption that some animals felt comfortable with . The corruption was so endemic , that it was just a question of who was it corrupt for ? Billy took Owl up on the offer , taking his retirement soon after that . He left the forest and soon got a nice place in the city . It even had a pond , where he could go fishing on occasion . Some time later , he happened to look Ruby up and went to have a look at her . She was living in a swanky hi - rise , with her daughter , a young red and gray squirrel . He didn 't talk to her , just had a look and left . They looked happy and he had no reason to interfere . When the sun came up , it was on a forest that was different than the one that it had seen when it went down . For one , it had gone down with Reddy the Rat all snuggled up in bed , and when it came up , he was tired to a sunflower 's thick stem . He 'd been there most of the night , while his captor took most of his personal stash away . It was more than his cut of the squirrel 's stash , more than they 'd originally taken from him in fact . By this point though , the squirrel had decided on a new plan . It was hours before he came back with the shillelagh that Reddy had brought with him from Ireland . After that , he 'd just paced back and forth , as if trying to decide what to do with him . " I can see you 're angry . " Reddy said for the fifteenth time . " I understand that , but look , it was just a job for hire . Chirpy and Chopper took it too far , that can 't be denied , but I was just along for the acorns . " " Uh huh . " The squirrel said , walking back and forth , waving the cudgel . " Smacking my head in with that shillelagh isn 't going to fix anything . " Reddy said , for only the eighth time . " Uh - huh . " The squirrel said for the fifty - third time . " I 'm just making the point boy - o . " Third time . " Yeah . " The squirrel said , for a change of pace . He looked at the cudgel in his hand . He 'd be damned if he 'd use the name Reddy used . It was mostly a walking stick , but it had a large round knob of a handle that could be used as a club to kill an animal if needs be . " Won 't you talk to me ? " Reddy demanded . " You know how cold kerosene is when it soaks into your fur Reddy ? " He asked suddenly loquacious . " And you know it 'll be so damn hot when it lights . And you stood there and handed Chirpy your lighter . " " Not me , me boy - o . " Reddy demanded . " Yes . " He said , and swung the stick . Reddy 's head snapped hard to the left , and as he lifted his head to look , another blow smashed against his head again . And then another , followed by another . That fourth blow was all that Reddy was aware of , but the blows continued until the stick broke . As that point , the squirrel picked up the end of the stick and finding it had a sharp point , rammed it into Reddy 's neck . Blood only gushed a little , which meant that Reddy was probably already dead when the stab was made , but he had to be sure . He went down to the river and washed himself off , as he did every time , making a little ritual out of it . He cleaned his fur carefully , wiping his face and paws off , then he dipped into the river and shook around in it before getting out and shaking himself off vigorously . He wasn 't sure about going back to Ruby 's at first , because she didn 't like this , but it was cold and he needed warmth . He was also afraid of Billy watching her place . Billy might talk about the one day when they 'd take care of Big Tony , but that was just the one day that 'd never come and they both knew it . He decided to risk going to Ruby 's though . She wasn 't home when he got there though . She was still at work and as such , wasn 't able to see the huge pile of nuts he 'd procured . He laid down on part of the pile and after such a hard night went to sleep . Billy the Badger sat in Ollie the Owl 's office , looking at his superior . Chief Owl was probably the wisest and most sensible animal in the entire forest , so Billy always came to see him when he we troubled . Ollie was so revered , almost everyone simply called him Owl . " There 's an old friend of mine . " Billy said , feeling small under Owl 's gaze . Owl was probably the only animal in the forest that could make Billy feel small . " Would this be why Choppatansky and Chippering were all killed by someone while Chintzertella was killed by someone else ? " Owl asked simply , managing to keep accusation out of his voice . " Because of their attempt to kill your friend ? " " You could say that . " Billy nodded , noticing that he was knotting his hands in his lap and trying to force himself to stop . " Well , we know that Bit Tony had Bertie kill young Chintzertella . " Owl said , leaning back and drawing on his pipe . " So it could be that he heard about how the situation got out of control and took corrective action . " " No sir . " Billy said shaking his head . " Really ? " Owl asked , setting his pipe down on the pipe stand at his elbow . " My friend the squirrel killed the two of them . " Billy said . " But we fought in the war together Ollie . " " One hundred and forty - two reported crimes . Everyday William . Most of them are tiny things . Traffic citations and so forth . Less than a third are actually serious , and even them fully a half of those are somewhat petty . Is a mouse stealing some bread to feed his family really committing a crime ? " " Maybe , but then there are those that fall into that sliver . " Owl formed his wings to show a small wedge . " That 's where violent crime exists . And you see , Billy , even there we have poor souls who have just made a mistake . Someone comes home early and finds their wife in bed with their best friend , or are driving too fast , or driving drunk , these things can happen . But in that sliver is a smaller sliver , where the repeat offenders live . Choppatansky and his bunch . They hurt people over and over again , for fun and profit . They are not civilized animals , not like you or me . " " That the forest is better without that sort . " Owl said . " And if your friend is doing what comes naturally to him , then it saves us the trouble of getting that sort . " " I can 't believe I 'm hearing this . " Billy said . " Crime is a plague on this city William . " Owl stated . " It has to be stopped by every mean . We 're not able to live valiantly , we can 't fight the good fight , we can only hope to keep the top of the pot from popping off and exploding . If something like this happens , and it scares a few of the local punks , all the better . It 's a filthy old forest William , and we can 't keep our hands clean even if we try . So why try ? Every tool at our disposal William , every tool . " " He 's got no back up . " Billy said . At that moment the phone rang , and Owl reached over to answer it . " Yes ? Yes , he 's here . " He held the phone out to Billy . " Hello ? " Billy asked . Baby 's First Noir The squirrel was sitting at the counter of Benny 's café with a cup of coffee in front of him . Billy sat down on the stool next to him and waved to Benny behind the counter . The mouse behind the counter , nodded to Billy and poured him a cup of coffee . He set it down , looking at the empty counter , all those empty chairs , and then looked at the two animals sitting next to each other . Benny was a bright fellow , having gotten through the war by being smart , and went to the back to make some eggs . " Haven 't seen you around for a while . " Billy said . " Haven 't been around . " The squirrel said . " I heard what happened to your place . " " Yeah . " Billy nodded . " Right back . " Benny told him and left for the kitchen . " You could just say it was Big Tony , cleaning house . " The squirrel suggested as he sipped his coffee . " You know a cut went to Big Tony . " Billy told him . " If you want it all , you 've got to go after Big Tony . " " Wasn 't really an army backing us up back then either . " He said as he forked more egg into his mouth . " Just a lot of numb nuts sitting around waiting for someone else to do all the work . It could be done , but you 'd have to have make it so that his empire would fall collapse into factions and blame each other for it . Make it look like a hit . " " Hmm . " He said . " Yeah . " Billy said . " I can 't pin anything on you now , and maybe I don 't have to try too hard , but don 't make me have to come after you . You could go to the city or something , take that cute red with you . " " No we can 't . " He shook his head . " Bertie is too useful to Big Tony , and I 'm just some no body that can be rubbed out . " " You can 't go after Petey . " Benny said . " He 's what you call it , not right in the head . His attic ain 't furnished . They probably just brought him along because they wanted someone who would smack you without asking questions . " " Petey was part of it . " He said . " We can take care of Pete . " Billy said . " I can 't talk you into swearing out a complaint for Reddy ? We could take him in . " " Yeah . " Benny said brightly . " Have him fall down some stairs or something . " " It 's occurred to me in the past . " Billy said . " And you a cop . " The squirrel said . " Gonna retire soon . " Billy said . " Might not even loose my pension . " " He knows the parts I 'm serious about . " Billy said taking out a cigarette and lighting it . " This is filthy , the whole thing . There ain 't a part of this that 's right . " " Be nice to make something right once though . " Benny said . " Don 't you start . " Billy said as he left . April 4 , 2012 Posted by greyweirdo | Baby 's First Noir Billy the Badger felt that all of this was unfair . He was too near retirement , too tired of the forest , too ready to go to that little place in the city . He had a nice place picked out , and he was going to get it with his retirement bonus . A nice , quite place where the lights were always on and he 'd been told the garbage was left unlidded all night long . That was the sort of life for him , the easy life . He could just sit back , munch on the occasional stale pizza crust , and live out his remaining years learning all about cars . Looking at the remains of Chintzy the Chipmunk was not on his agenda . Or rather , it was and that was the problem . The other problem was that no matter how methodical Tully the Turtle was as a coroner , he was a damn slow talker and frustrating to have to listen to . Not so slow as to be comical , just slow enough to be frustrating . " It 's Bertie the Bunny 's work alright . " Tully said as he gently turned the remains of Chintzy 's head . " If only all artists signed their work so diligently . " " But he didn 't do the other two ? " Billy asked . Tully looked up , and then blinked his eyes . He was so damn slow , but if you decided to rush him , he could go fast enough . That was when he 'd complain though , and he 'd scuttle off to his office and not come back out . You had to just wait until Tully was ready . He turned the head back and placed a claw under Chintzy 's jaw to close his mouth . He then looked up at the detective . " No sir . " Tully said , " Someone else killed them . The method is entirely different . " " How so ? " " Who ever killed Chirpy and Chopper had decided to hurt them , but didn 't take a lot of time doing it . Chopper was stabbed , and made to bleed out . These were hard deaths , lengthy in Chopper 's case , but they only required a little effort . An animal could have stabbed Chopper twice and left before he even knew what had happened to him . Burning Chirpy was nasty , but it only required a moment of effort . " " And this took effort . " Billy stated , rather than asked . " Yes . " Tully confirmed . " They tortured Chintzy . Beat him into unconsciousness and waited for him to come back to start beating him again . " " Okay . " Billy said and turned to walk out . " You can 't get near them though . " Tully said to his back . " Bertie the Bunny still exists because he 's useful to Big Tony . This had to be an order . " " I know . " Billy said over his shoulder as he walked out . There was dirt and leaves and stones as he walked from Tully 's log and headed back to his office . It was monstrous to contemplate . Beating an animal like that , right out in the open forest . A hundred mice , ants , bats , roaches and whatnot must have seen , but no one bothered to report it . It wasn 't until a patrol bird happened upon the body that they were even notified . That was the worst thing about this forest , no one looked out for each other . Billy wanted a cigarette , but they said that if he didn 't quit , he wouldn 't make it to retirement . He took the pack of toothpicks from his pocket and selected one , chewing it slowly and methodically . He had to get out of this city , or get rid of animals like Big Tony . Big Tony was barely an animal though , he was almost a person . He was that bad , that vicious . Billy 's teeth clamped down on the toothpick , needing it and hating it . He didn 't like Tully 's facts either . He didn 't argue them , but he didn 't like them . There were two killers , possibly with different motives , killing animals who had been associated with each other . It wasn 't a nice thing to think about , and the weight was pulling Billy down , possibly to his death . He felt like running , trying to get away from it all . Take the early retirement , just walk away , get away from this filthy case , this filthy forest , go to the nice clean city . He didn 't want to think about it anymore , he didn 't want to be part of this forest . He wanted that place in the city . " Detective ? " The voice was soft , small , and feminine . He turned and saw an attractive red squirrel looking at him . She looked a little shabby , but sort of beautiful in that was that red squirrels often have . She looked worried and maybe even scared . " Can I help you ? " He asked . " I don 't know . " She said . " A friend of mine is in trouble . " " I don 't know where he goes . " She said . " I think he may have done something . He might be part of it . I don 't know anything though , I can 't help you . " She started away , but her face had been filed in his brain . She wasn 't rich , she looked like someone from the south side , which would make her easy to find . They don 't come beautiful like that on the south side . He would be able to find her easily , and then he could find her friend . " He tracked her down , almost not needing to ask a single question . Her path was easy to find in the dirt , another good reason to move to the paced streets . He found her home , and then saw him as he emerged from the hole a few minutes later . His blood froze when he saw him emerge , and it didn 't thaw as he walked towards him . Baby 's First Noir Chintzy the Chipmunk was scared , because the pattern had clearly emerged to his mind . He sat in front of Big Tony and pled his case to the massively fat raccoon , but he could see he was getting no where . Big Tony had barely expended the energy necessary to listen to this story , much less do anything about it . After he was done talking Chintzy watched as Big Tony began to speak . " What should I do about this Chintzy ? " Big Tony asked . " I will agree , that it is unfortunate that two of your colleagues got what was clearly coming to them in such a spectacular fashion . However it was coming to them and we don 't even know that this is related . " " I don 't think we can arjue that this are is - oh - latted ink - adents . " Chintzy said . It took Big Tony a while to process this , because he always had to translate everything Chintzy said in his head . Chintzy wasn 't a stupid animal , you couldn 't say that he was at all , but he clearly wasn 't smart enough to look up a pronunciation guide . Big Tony looked at Wally the Weasel and nodded his head very slightly . He then signaled toward the door . " You 've gotta do something Tony . " Chintzy said as Wally lead him out . " You don ' ts tell Big Tony what he gots to do . " Wally suggested as he gripped Chintzy 's arm tighter . " Listen . " Chintzy started , but the grip of Wally 's claw stopped him . Wally helped Chintzy out the door and shoved him into the street . Chintzy fell down , his face scrapping against the dirt and stones beneath him . He looked over his shoulder at Wally as he started to get up . " What gives Wally ? " He demanded . " Ain 't we been friends forever ? " " You stays away from Big Tony . " Wally said , cracking his knuckles . " Big Tony don 't wants to see none of you bums no mores . " Chintzy picked himself up off the ground and brushed his clothes off . He looked at the door as it slammed , echoing down the empty street . Chintzy realized to himself that he was totally alone now , not just on the street , but entirely . He 'd been cut loose , and that scared him worse than anything . He was smart enough to think that maybe Big Tony was making it look like he was cut loose , so they could follow him and lure whoever had killed Chopper and Chirpy out . The problem was , news would have to get out first , which meant that they 'd wait a while and Chintzy didn 't have that kind of time . The first thing he heard was something smack a tree . Probably a heavy stick , maybe a rock . Then something smacked another tree , making another noise . The sound became rhythmic as it approached . No one was going to come help him . Chintzy looked over his shoulder and in a sudden rush of panic , began to run . " No good Chintzy . " He heard someone say and turned just soon enough to bang into Wally the Weasel 's chest . " Wally ! " He said gratefully . " It 's no good Chintz . " Wally said pulling his hand out of his pocket . There was the snap of a flick knife opening and then the sound of the banging resumed . Chintzy looked behind him and saw Bernie the Bunny with a length of pipe . He was banging it against everything he came near , to make a noise as he walked . " Wally ! " Chintzy demanded . " Wally , no ! " " Big Tony says he can ' ts have none of you bums talkings . " Wally said as he plunged the knife into Chintzy 's stomach . " Wal … " Chintzy managed before Bernie smacked his left knee with the pipe , which caused him to fall and scream . " You talks too much Chintzy . " Wally told him and then looked at Bernie . " Make it last a while , he don ' ts needs to die right now . Teach him about talking . " Bernie said nothing , simply nodded and swung the pipe , which connected with Chintzy 's other knee , shattering it . Wally watched as Bernie worked , because he loved to watch Bernie Work . Bernie could make a simple pipe job last an hour , and this was a masterpiece . When he finally decided that Chintzy was comatose , two hours into the beating , he finally smashed the head open with the pipe and kicked the scattered remains of Chintzy 's brain into the leaves . Ants were upon the gray matter almost immediately . " We should probably leave him here . " Wally said . Bernie said nothing , simply nodded and slipped the bloody pipe into his coat . Bernie sort of scared Wally a little , because he didn 't act like a bunny should . He was silent , and that was all right , but the rest of it was all wrong . Bernie killed with relish , and he seemed to enjoy the feeling of some animal 's blood matting into his fur . Bernie bent down , grabbed Chintzy 's ear in his teeth and ripped it from the head , then proceeded to chew it like a hunk of tobacco . A shiver ran through Wally as he watched this . Even for a weasel , there were lines . He watched as Bernie happily chewed on the ear and pulled out a cigarette . As he lit it , he had the feeling of being watched , but he ignored it , because who would be in this deserted part of the forest at this time of night ? The answer of course is that anyone who had followed Chintzy to Big Tony 's would be in this part of the forest at this time of night . Anyone who had watched as Bernie and Wally killed Chintzy would be here . Any one who had held his cigarette between his teeth , waiting for them to leave so he could just light up , would be here . He didn 't need to examine the body , he could tell Chintzy was dead , now it as just a matter of getting over to his place and getting what was his before anyone else . He lit his cigarette and made his way quickly . He didn 't bother trying to separate , he merely grabbed as much as he could carry , which was probably two or three times what Chintzy 's cut of what they 'd taken from him had been . It didn 't matter now though , he just had to grab what he could and go . What really worried him , was that in order to get all of it back , he 'd have to go up against Big Tony . As he scrapped more acorns that a reasonable animal would need into the sacks , he wondered if revenge was really all that important . After all , he had almost everything back now , almost more than he started with really . After Louie , he could just walk away . That might be the wisest option after all . Going against these little punks was one thing , but fighting a psychopath like Bernie was more than he thought he needed . And yet , he couldn 't help but think that there was a reason for all of this . That it was time someone put a bullet into Big Tony 's brain . He could get the other two members of the group and go after Big Tony 's whole crew . He could at least get Wally and Bernie for cheating him out of the pleasure of killing Chintzy . Then he could go make Big Tony disgorge his cut of the money and shoot him too . Nice as that fantasy was , it wasn 't realistic . Big Tony was too big , as it were . He couldn 't just be killed with impunity . Everyone would come after him for the rest of his life if he even so much as spat in Big Tony 's direction . He would have to give that one up , unless he could think of a way out . Or atUncategorized | Baby 's First Noir | He looked at the small pile of acorns and nuts that sat in the whole in front of him . There wasn 't much there , but that was okay , he had a few more calls to make . He would have to get it done though , no good waiting around . He had to get this one before the snow started falling , or he could find himself a squirrel with no nuts . Winter . It 's the worst part of forest . The forest is a nasty place to be no matter what , but in the winter , when every door is shut , it 's even worse . The darkness , the cold , all you can do is curl up in a ball in your hole with a bottle and wait it out . The problem is that he didn 't have enough nuts to make it though the winter . He reflected that if he 'd taken the full stashes that Chirpy and Chopper had stacked up he could have just filled his hole and forgotten about the whole thing . That wasn 't the point though , that wasn 't even a percentage of the point . The point was that they had decided to kill him , and he wasn 't going to put up with it . It was one thing to have to deal with the foxes , or even the weasels , but to be robbed like that . Someone was going to have to pay for that . He looked in the broken piece of mirror he 'd found a couple of years ago and examined his eye . It looked a little better , when he patted his left ear though it was still the buzzing sound . He could hear things , but it was like having cotton shoved in there . If he 'd been able to hear properly , he 'd have heard her approaching . He turned and saw Ruby as she walked into the hole . Her red hair glistened on her small body as she moved towards then two sacks . She looked good , tight and lean , but tired . She touched one of the sacks with her toe , just enough to see what was in there , and then folded her front paws across her small but perfect chest . " You did it ? " She asked simply . " We won 't make it on your nuts . " He told her as she touched his arm , wrapping her tiny claws around his bicep . " We try that , it 'll kill us both . " " It 's not that though . " She shook her head . " No . " He admitted , " I don 't like being jumped . I don 't like having to be dependant on you . " " But I do . " He told her , moving his nose closer to hers . " You shouldn 't have to put up with an old grey like me , you should get yourself a young red and have lots of babies . " They kissed , which is quite frankly too complicated to describe here . What they did after she led him to the other , smaller room in the hole is also far too complicated to discuss , but for different reasons . Later , the two of the leaned against Ruby 's pile of nuts and smoked cigarettes . He admired Ruby 's body , stretched out on the bed of acorns as it was . She looked fabulous in the low light , her firm and taught muscles gripping firmly to her bones and the skin and fur draped carefully over that . He turned slightly to watch her as she smoked her cigarette and rolled onto her front , to allow her tail to lash back and forth . " You 're too good to me . " He said , watching the swish of her red tail . " You haven 't been too bad to me either . " She giggled . " I 've got get back out there . " He told her , looking at his watch . " There are three more of them . " " Because we won 't make it through the winter . " He told her . " If I don 't do this , neither of us will make it . You 'll give me all your nuts , while you waste away . Then we 'll both die before January is over . Besides , if we let this go , they 'll do it to somebody else next year . Hell , they might even decide to do it to me again next year . " " I killed a lot during the war . " He told her as he put on his shirt . " Any stain on my soul is permanent and no detergent is going to get it out . These will be just a couple more details . If anything , it might improve my balance on the ledger to get rid of these bastards . " " I 'm trying to make you into a better animal than that . " She said . " You do make me a better animal . " He told her , kissing her quickly . " But I 've got to do this . " " What about after though ? " She asked . " I don 't know . " He said , putting on his tie . " Maybe we can move to the city , live the easy life like Sam . He keeps saying we should move out of this dirty old forest . He said that even winter is easier out there . We could get a nice tree in the park . One with a little white fence around it . " She threw one of the pillows at him and laughed . It was a nice idea though , even if it sounded like some dream a million miles away . Sam worked in a big law firm , was able to afford a place in the city , far away from all the corruption of the forest . It was a nice idea though . Ruby would do well in the city , she would dazzle them . He pulled on his coat . His shoulder felt stiff and hard as he tried to rotate it again . That was like his ear , not healing fast enough . Still though it was time to go see Chintzy , and get back what was his . As he walked out , he looked over his shoulder and saw Ruby standing completely naked in the doorway to her nut room . He felt like rushing back to get her and forget this whole thing , but it had to be done . He walked out of the tree and started down towards the forest again . March 29 , 2012 Posted by greyweirdo | The forest hadn 't been warm all day , with the clouds and the winds picking up every few minutes . It was fully into autumn and all the animals in the forest were rushing around , trying to get their nuts and other supplies together for the coming winter . There was a rush of activity all about as they ran to and fro . Chopper the Chipmunk had been busy all morning , but that was just by coincidence . He was trying and trying , in vain as it turned out , to fix his motorcycle . The problem was that he couldn 't seem to find where the rattle was coming from . That was actually a secondary problem , when compared to the larger issue that he only had a vague sense of what he was doing . He 'd driven a bike during the war , but those were ugly and simple things compared to this . He hadn 't been prepared for the complexity of this bike when he 'd stolen it three days ago and it had given him nothing but trouble since . If the owner was still alive , he 'd have demanded to know how to fix it . He wished he actually knew more about bikes , then he could really justify his name . He looked away from the bike when he heard the approach of a Heron sedan behind him . He prided himself on knowing so much about cars that he could identify one just from the rumble of the engine . He guessed that it was a black number , by how the color reflected in the chrome of the bike next to him . He turned , and found that it was Packard roadster , and it was a dark blue . Dark blue , he told himself , was quite close to black . At least he could recognize the animal who was getting out of the car without trouble . Chintzy the Chipmunk wasn 't hard to identify . As his name would suggest , he was a great lover of chintz cloths . His pants , waistcoat and jacket were all made from different varieties of the stuff and each clashed with the other . His tie , a large floral print with a massive embroidered flower on it would have been the final insult around anyone with any sense of fashion whatsoever . However , as he spent a great deal of his time with Chirpy , Chopper a " You haven 't been up near the farmhouse reek - ently , have you ? " Chintzy asked guardedly , his voice taking on an even more annoyingly nasal quality . " What do you mean ? " Chopper asked , grabbing his crowbar and brandishing it . " Now , now my good fellow . " Chintzy raised his paws and waved them back and forth . " No need for that . I wasn 't act - using you , I was murr - ly asking . " " Chirpy might have had it coming . " Chintzy suggested . " Rather , allow me to state that Chirpy did have it coming . He was no para - goon of honesty . One might suggest he was in fact the epi - tome of a back stabbing little so and so . " " No . " Chintzy said , without a hint of offense . " If I had dek - ided to kill him , I wouldn 't have done it in that way . " They both took a personal moment to try not shuddering over the memory of what Big Tony had done to Bumpers and how long it had taken him to stop screaming . It had seem harsh at the time , but they all agreed later that Big Tony had indeed made his point about holding out on him . Chintzy rubbed his whiskers nervously and adjusted his jacket . Chopper wasn 't so sophisticated , and just shivered slightly , letting his fur stand up slightly . There was a breeze at that moment , cold and brisk . Chopper spun around on his heel , intent on grabbing the crowbar again . However , among the many talents he thought he had , but didn 't , was an ability to tell how far someone was by the sound of their voice . Chopper actually spun himself right into the knife that plunged itself into his belly . He gasped from the surprise as much as the pain . A paw grabbed his shoulder and the weight of his stabber suddenly leaned on the blade and sank it deeper into his normally soft and loveable belly . " Where is your stash ? " his stabber asked . " What ? " Chopper asked . " I see . " The knife with drew from his stomach and then plunged back in , pulling out and stabbing in again before his attacker knocked him to the ground and dropped his weight on top of him . " Do I have your attention Chopper ? " " Okay then , listen . " His attacker said , their muzzles only half an inch apart . " You 're going to die . If I leave you as you are , it 'll take you a couple of very painful hours to slowly bleed out . If you tell me where you keep all the nuts you 've stolen , I 'll cut your throat before I leave . " " You 're crazy . " Chopper said . " Crazy . " " Possibly . " His attacker pulled the knife out and stood up . He could see now , it was a squirrel , and a familiar one at that . " But an animal that thinks he 's not going to have enough nuts for the winter is likely to do some crazy things . You can die now , only slightly hurt , or you can die in a couple of hours and it will hurt the whole time . " " Thank you . " The squirrel walked away and came back with only a small sack of nuts . " Got lots more than that . " Chopper suggested . " Yes . " The squirrel said . " But this is all you took from me . " " Yes , " The squirrel nodded . " I remember . " " We beat you up so bad . " Chopper laughed , despite the pain . " I kicked you in the eye , bet it still hurts . " " Yes . " He said as he started to walk away . " Just like you left me , crawling along the ground looking for help . In fact , let me even the score up . " The squirrel gave him a savage kick in the face , and something snapped in his head . There was a second kick on the other side and something else felt like it tore . Chopper could only see out of one eye after that , and could only see a blur with the other . It was then that the wounds in his guts really started to hurt and he realized that he didn 't have the strength to stand up anymore . He didn 't have a watch he could check , but he guessed that it didn 't take him hours . In fact , he was dead in a little under an hour . The Squirrel had been right about one thing though , it had hurt the whole way down . March 29 , 2012 Posted by greyweirdo | Billy the Badger had been on the force longer than he cared to remember . He had seen some horrible things in his time , even worse than the site that was before him now . That hadn 't made it any better , remembering the things that were worse than this . The smell was the worst part , particularly when it was a furred animal like this . If one of those stupid toads smashed their cars and got burned to death , that was bad , but at least there wasn 't the stench of burning fur . " You I . D . him yet ? " Billy asked one of the officers , a small bird of some variety . " It 's Chirpy the Chipmunk sir . " The bird chirped . " We found his wallet , but the M . E . wants to make a full examination of teeth before making a formal say . " Someone had called it in , to complain about the screaming . That was disgusted Billy the most . The screams had to be pretty terrifying , the sound of an animal being burned to death , but they had only called to get someone to tell him to shut up . It was one of the things Billy hated about this forest . He was counting the days until his retirement , when he could move to the city and live like a sensible animal . He hated this forest , and its rotten heart . " Well , it 's Chirpy sir . " The bird said . " What sort of motive do you want ? He was going to end up dead at some point . " " Right sir . " The bird nodded . Billy realized as the bird told him a story about petty crime and repeated visits to several pens that he had no idea who this officer was . Billy was going to have to check the marking to even know what kind of bird this was and the hat prevented that . He couldn 't even tell if it was a male or female officer . He knew he was too old , and he shouldn 't think like this , but all these little birds looked more or less the same to him . " Burning an animal alive is pretty nasty though . " Billy said . " He 's dealt with some pretty nasty animals , sir . " The bird shrugged . " Evening Billy . " Capt . Stout the Stoat said as he approached . " Hello Farley . What have we got ? " He was an old stoat , no longer able to wriggle down narrow holes because of his current waistline , but a thoroughly sensible animal . Billy liked him because he had served on the force for as long as Billy had , and they had seen some things together during the war . He also liked that Stout had a cup of coffee in each hand and that he handed one over to Billy . The fact that it was one cream and on sugar was simply icing on the cake of friendship . " Black one sugar , right Farley ? " Stout asked as he handed the other cup the bird . " Anything stolen from the victim 's home ? " Stout asked . " Hard to say Captain Stout . " Farley answered quickly . " His place was a hell of a mess to begin with , his parole officer is up there looking around now . " " It seems that there is a lot of nuts in his place that didn 't belong to him . " Billy added . " The chipmunks have been active most the autumn as I understand it . " " I 'm just thinking out loud . " Billy said . " But the last time we almost got a hold of him because we got that ferret just as the job was done . Maybe he 's trying to clear up the workers before the job 's been pulled . " " Might be a clue . " Farley said . " Maybe . " Billy said , more to himself . " You say it looks like nothing was taken from Chirpy 's place ? " " I said it looks like nothing was taken , but it 's hard to tell . " Farley said , sipping at his coffee . " What are you thinking Billy ? " Stout asked . " Not sure sir . " Billy said absently as he slipped the acorn into his pocket . " Just have a feeling , that 's all . Let 's run any active case where Chirpy was suspected , maybe we can turn up someone with a serious grudge . " " That could take all week sir . " Farley said . " And I 've got to be on my way south soon . " " Yeah ? " Billy asked . " Oh , right , winter . Well , you didn 't become a cop for the money or the sex , you became a cop so you could wade through piles of paper work . So let 's do that . " This is the story of a poor little squirrel , that lost all his acorns . And winter is just around the corner . I know , only about 10 billion of those around right ? Well , this one has a minor twist in that I set it in a Hard Boiled context , because Captain B . J . Smethwick ( in a white wine sauce with shallots , mushrooms and garlic ) ( Mrs ) was complaining about having to read them for her job as an editor . I decided to see if I could make one Mrs . Smethwick would enjoy reading . It was late and Chirpy the Chipmunk was walking home from a night of carousing with his fellows . It wouldn 't be a complete lie to say that he was quite drunk , having sampled many of the soured grapes in the old hollowed out tree that the weasels ran . He checked his pockets , looking to see how much money he had left . Totally unaware that he was being watched , he drifted from tree to tree , trying to find his way home . He stumbled past the rats who were swinging their purses and waiting for customers . He looked threateningly at a mouse , who was trying to sell late night sausages beyond all reasonable hope of profit . Behind a large raspberry bush , a figure watched as Chirpy snarled something at the mouse . A small warm speck of light shown as the figure took a drag on its cigarette . A cold breeze passed through the forest , reminding everyone just how late in the seasons it was . Three weeks , there was only three weeks before the first snows of winter could be expected . The figure 's silhouette became obscured and then settled into a sensible shape as the figure adjusted its overcoat . As Chirpy got closer to his personal tree , it was becoming time to have a word . Chirpy looked up at his tree and wondered if it was worth all the effort to climb to the top where his room was located . Besides , with all the nuts he had stolen recently , it would be hard to get in there and get comfortable . He 'd be comfortable when winter finally came , but it was still warm enough to lie in a drunken stupor here at the roots of the old hickory . He was just about to make The figure looked at him and then reached back into the gloom , dropping a sack in front of him . The bag spilled slightly and a few nuts scattered onto the ground in front of him . A grey paw swept out and scooped them back into the bag . He recognized the bag , it was one of the bags he used for robberies . The gang had stolen a load of nuts recently , and that was his cut . " You want the nuts ? " He asked . " I got loads . Here , let me out of these ropes , huh ? " The figure picked up the sack and pulled it back into the gloom . Chirpy was starting to get nervous , the fact that whoever this was kept silent was getting on his nerves . He was starting to panic , animals who don 't talk are animals you can 't talk out of things . " Winter 's coming . " The figure said , flicking a lighter and showing his face . It was a squirrel , Chirpy could see that right away . It wasn 't just a squirrel though , it was that squirrel they 'd beat up and robbed a week ago . He was covering his face with his hat , but it was hum . " Gets cold in the winter . " " Look , we can work this out . " Chirpy said , panic making his voice shake and shudder . " Sometimes I feel like I 'll never be warm again , " The squirrel said , " You know , in winter ? You want to be warm , don 't you Chirpy ? " " Winter is coming and I don 't have enough nuts stored up . " The Squirrel said . " I did my hard work and you guys robbed me . " He came close and waved the lighter at Chirpy , who screamed an incoherent stream of profanity and please . He took a step back and closed the lighter , killing the flame and winking the light out of existence . The only point being the red glow at the tip of his cigarette . Chirpy could smell the tobacco as the squirrel blew smoke into his face . " We can work this out . " Chirpy said . " I 've got lots of nuts . We can split them right down the middle . " " I just want what 's mine . " The voice said , laced with menace . " My nuts . Any other nuts in there belong to someone else and I don 't take what 's not mine . " The red glow of the cigarette came close and touched Chirpy 's blue cotton vest . The squirrel blew on the tip and it glowed brightly for a few seconds before the gas soaked garment burst into flames . Chirpy screamed immediately , even though it was actually a few seconds before the heat and pain actually struck him . He screamed a lot then , but the squirrel had already thrown the sack of nuts over his shoulder and started away . It wouldn 't be true to say that he couldn 't hear Chirpy though . For one thing , Chirpy was very loud and got much louder before he got quiet and squirrels are renowned for having very good hearing . Even if one ear was badly damaged when a pack of chipmunks cracked him across the head and kicked him in the ear so that everything from his left was just a buzz of vague noises . Still , Chirpy 's cries followed him into the night , distinct and clear as he took his sack of nuts home . He had to find the rest of them , get the rest of his nuts before winter came . It wasn 't revenge he had told himself . He just wanted to get what was his . Retrieve the things that belonged to him and maybe a little more to make up for the lost time . He couldn 't gather nuts while he was getting his stores back , and he wouldn 't be able to work as well with his ear and his eye messed up like this . He was worried about that , but maybe a winter 's rest would help them heal . All that was for later though , for now he had to get this sack home and find the next one in the group . March 27 , 2012 Posted by greyweirdo | |
My mother started praying for our baby as soon as she found out we were pregnant . She has been lighting a candel every week at church and praying for the her health . Once we found out about the heart problems , I was really wishing my Grandma was still around . For some reason , I 've always thought she had an " in " with God or something , because it always seemed her prayers were answered . I really wanted her here praying for our baby , but I suppose now she really has an " in " with God , being up there with him and all . After we found out , mom brought over a bottle of holy water that used to be Grandma 's . She told me to annoint my tummy everyday and pray for our baby . At first Adam was heistant to do this with him , but after a couple days it became part of our nightly routine . At the first ultrasound the two chambers of her heart were very clearly seen , and that was all . But at the second one , we could clearly see three chambers . Granted , the doctor said that this three - chamber syndrome has higher risks for loosing the baby , but I can 't help but wonder , if by the next ultrasound the power of our prayer will help our baby girl 's fourth chamber grow and develope . If not , then we 're still praying for her health and survival . At the first ultrasound , the tech ( Patty ) and the doctor could only see two chambers on baby 's heart . But this time there were clearly three ! I 'm not sure if the first time they just couldn 't get a good enough angle to see the other chamber , or if all our prayers are being answered . I can 't help but think that at the next ultrasound with the cardiologist that maybe the fourth chamber will have developed also ! On the not quite as good side though , the cardiologist ( Dr . Gremmels ) said that this 3 - chamber condition , which we believe he called heterotaxy , doesn 't have set surgeries like HLHS . They use many of the same procedures as with HLHS , but there might be a fourth surgery , and the survival risk goes down a little . He said that there is no way that the underdeveloped lower chamber will develop ( even with the surgeries ) . So eventually ( like when she 's 30 - 40ish ) , our baby girl will need a heart transplant when that one lower chamber poops out from doing the work of two lower chambers . The risks of transplants are fewer in an adult than an infant , which is why they would wait until she 's older . But , I would also think that it would be easier to find an adult - sized heart that would match our daughter , than it would be to find a newborn - sized heart to match her blood type . I guess , though , that the word heterotaxy means that when the baby 's cells were dividing and figuring out who 's doing what , that something went wrong and the cells got their lefts and rights mixed up . Which in some organs is okay . For example , our baby 's lungs are probably backwards , but both lungs function the same , so it doesn 't matter . The same works for the kidneys . But with the heart , the two sides do different things , and our baby 's heart is a little shift to the right out of place . Since some organs are only on one side of the body , often with heterotaxy some organs don 't develop . In the case of our baby , she doesn 't have a spleen , and I 'm wondering if she has two gall bladders then ( which the doctor said is sometimes the case ) . She can live wPosted by At our second ultrasound , as we were talking with the ultrasound technician ( Patty ) , she mentioned how before she would know the gender of the baby , she would refer to the baby as a he ( which is proper English ) . But then couples would think that they were having a boy . So she had to stop , and start calling it baby instead . I chuckled and said , " Docherty would be proud . " Then the ultrasound tech said , " I had him ! " Wait , what ? Turns out she went to high school at Saint Bernard 's and her daughter went to Holy Childhood and was in Adam 's 3rd & 4th grade classes . Small world . . . Then , since Adam was at this ultrasound , we asked if we could find out the gender . As you can see from the ultrasound picture , we 're having a baby girl ! She was a wiggle worm while they were trying to get a good look at her , we even saw her trying to suck her thumb . . . though it was hard to tell if she actually got it in there or not . Someone mentioned to me that it 's really easy for them to do 3D ultrasounds , so I asked our new Saint Bernard 's friend if she really could easily do a 3D picture of our baby . She said if we had time she would , and at the very end , she did ! Adam said it looked like a melted wax image of her , but I think she 's adorable ! I 'm absolutely in love with our daughter and I can 't wait to meet her in May or June ( they want to change our due date . . . again . . . this time they tell me I 'm not as far as the last time , but closer to when I figured we 're due ) . Everyone 's first thought it probably morning sickness , but I think I would have rather had that ( hmm . . . well , maybe ) . I got up in the morning and went through my normal morning routine . . . sometimes in the shower , I don 't feel well ( I think it 's a combination of the heat & needing something to eat ) , and this morning was one of them . But it was worse . I decided not to squeege the shower ( shhhh . . . don 't tell Adam , I always yell at him for not doing it ! ) , but to go lay down on the bed . So I grabbed my towel , and started heading for the door . Once I got to the doorway , my vision was going , I was grabbing the wall , looking for the light switch ( which I realized was on the other side of the doorway ) , and my knees were starting to give - way . I knew I was going down , and I remembered in our first class , Carrie told us that if we were going to faint , to lower ourselves to the ground so that we didn 't take a hard fall . So , with the help of the wall ( and gravity ) , my arms braced my ways down to the floor . I never " passed out " where I wasn 't aware , but I laid on that floor with my eyes closed for quite some time . I eventually felt I was well enough to crawl into the bathroom , to try to get ready for work . Realizing that it 's really hard to get at a lot of what I need to get ready in the morning from a baby 's view ( good to know what our baby could and couldn 't potentially get into ! ) , I crawled back into our room and laid on our bed . Eventually I felt well enough to finish getting ready for the day , and got up and did just that . I sent Adam a text , telling him that I wished he would take his phone to work , so I could get a hold of him in cases like this . I was hoping he would see it when he got home from work , and realize that he really did need to start bringing it ( as I 've been telling him for a while ) . To my suprise , he took my advice a while ago , and had been bringing it to work . He called to see if everything was alright . He wanted to make sure that I hadn 't fallen hard , and I was well enough to drive to school and teach withouPosted by Tuesday morning , I woke up and got ready for work with everything weighting on my mind . I had told Adam that we could read that little brown booklet together later . But he was at work , and I was hungry for information that would let me have the same hope my mom had . So I opened the little brown book and started to read . I paged through to try to find the heart defect that mom told me about . It was the last one described . The last line said , " Unfortunately , even with surgery , the long - term outlook is usually poor for babies with this condition , unless a heart transplant can be performed . " At which , I broke out into tears that I couldn 't control . What I just read had told me that my baby was going to die , unless someone else 's baby did so that mine could have a heart transplant . I paced , I cried , I waited at the window to see Adam 's car pulling up , but it never did . 6 : 45am passed , and I didn 't leave for work , 7am passed and I didn 't leave . Finally at 7 : 15am , I gathered up enough will power to get myself into my car and leave for work , without seeing Adam . I somehow managed to make my way through 1st hour , and mass . During 2nd hour , I told Heidi and started to cry , but pulled myself together again and made it through the rest of the day . During 7th hour , my prep , I got a phone call from my midwife , Carrie . She told me that we were in her thoughts & prayers , but that she was transferring my care to MN Perinatal . She said that her last two pregnancies were high - risk , and that 's where her care was transferred . She recommended Dr . Burris , after I told her about scary doctor . I would now be delivering at United , so that baby could be brought right over to Children 's to be taken care of . On Wednesday , during our 1 : 00 dismissal at school , I sat in my classroom and researched HLHS . I think the best site I came across was from a hospital in Philadelphia called Chop . It had a few videos that explained really well what HSHS was , how the surgery works , and , my favorite , life with HLHS . The last video showed several kids who are liPosted by The other part of the first ultrasound that I wasn 't ready to blog about right away was when " scary doctor " ( as mom and I refer to her as ) came in . . . Once the ultrasound tech ( Krista ) took a bunch of pictures of baby , she said she just needs to get a picture of the four chambers of baby 's heart for the doctor . So I watched the monitor with different blobs moving across it ( sometimes being able to recognize parts of the heart ) . But the u / s tech didn 't really say much other than trying to get " peanut , " as she called baby , to turn . Once she was done , and gave us a bunch of pictures of baby , she said , " The doctor will be in , in a minute to talk to you . " Not having ever been pregnant before , I didn 't really think anything of it , and just figured that 's how these appointments go . I got my jacket on , and sat back down to wait . We didn 't wait very long for the doctor to come in . Once she ( Dr . Danilenko ) was there , I really don 't remember a whole lot of what she said . But what I do remember is that she said she was very concerned about our baby 's heart . It only had two chambers and she wanted to rescan to make sure they were reading it correctly . Then she went on to tell us about all these other tests I would have to have ( most of which I really didn 't hear ) . I remember she said I needed to have a Level II Ultrasound with a cardiologist there to look at the heart , and that they wanted to echo my heart , because they are concerned about my heart murmur ( which I 've had since birth ) . She also wanted to do an amniocentesis right then & there , along with a quad screen . She never actually told us any name for this two - chamber syndrome , but she did tell us in such a matter - of - fact tone , that it has a high mortality rate . Which of course , is when my heart just about stopped beating itself . I laid back down on the bed , and she did the ultrasound again . She still could only find two chambers on baby 's heart . I agreed to do the quad screen ( blood draw ) , but I didn 't want to do the amnio at that point ( and I 'm not sure if I 'll want to do oPosted by I had our first ultrasound today ! Adam wasn 't able to come , because they only schedule them before 12 : 30pm , and he has school . However , my mother was thrilled to come along . We were at the appointment 5 minutes early , just as they asked , but they were a half hour late calling us in to be seen . We first met with a genetic counselor , who went through any and all health - related problems in our families . Our main concern was club feet , as my grandpa has one , and my cousin has two . But she went through everything , including ( let 's see if I can get this right , because mom was actually the one who explained it ) two of my mom 's cousins who each had a child with a heart defect . She wasn 't too worried about it though , because it seemed to be pretty far removed from me ( and baby ) . They sent us back out to the waiting room to wait for the ultrasound tech to be ready for us . Then Krista ( I found out her name later ) brought us back into the ultrasound room and put warm jelly on my tummy ( my mom was surprised it was warm . . . I guess back in the day they didn 't have the technology to warm it up or something ! ) Then she moved her little device around and found baby right away , but wanted to check around to make sure he didn 't have any siblings in there . Then we could see baby ! She measured him ( and I 'll call baby him , because I think it 's a boy , but we don 't know for sure yet ) from crown to rump and told us that I was actually 15 weeks 2 days pregnant , not 13 weeks 6 days , moving my due date up to May 22 ( the day of Katie & Derek 's wedding ! ) . She wasn 't able to do the first trimester screening ( that I was actually there for ) , since I was past 13 weeks 6 days . Then she moved around to find 5 little fingers and two little legs with little feet and took lots of pictures . Baby 's head & spine ( on the screen you could see his little ribs ! ) Baby 's butt & little legs Our baby , the alien ( his head on the right & tummy on the left ) Baby 's profile ( the ultrasound tech said he was giving me kisses ) Baby 's little foot Baby 's hand , arm , ribs , and hPosted by We had our first pre - natal appointment today ! I was very excited , but not so much at the same time . I hate needles ! And I knew I would have to get blood drawn and I was hoping ( or not . . . ) to get a flu shot & H1N1 shot . But what we heard before 5 vials of blood and an H1N1 shot , was totally worth it ! I was hoping that we would have an ultrasound done , as I had heard from several people that they had had one done at about 12 weeks . We didn 't . But our nurse midwife , Carrie , did bring in a fetal Doppler to listen to the baby 's heartbeat . Carrie found our baby 's heartbeat right away . It was so fast ! Then she moved it around and found my heartbeat . My heartbeat was about 70 beats per minute ( bpm ) and baby 's was about 150 bpm . More than twice as fast ! It was such an amazing sound to hear ! I was convinced that our baby is boy , but after I read some folklore on the sex of the baby , I 'm not so sure . The site I found said that if the baby 's heartbeat is over 140 bpm , then it 's a girl . That doesn 't totally convince me either though , because the same site also said that if you don 't have morning sickness , then it 's a boy ( and I haven 't really been sick at all ) . So at this point I 'm not convinced either way . I will be happy either way , but Adam still is leaning more towards a boy . Carrie also recommended that we have a level II ultrasound done , because we have some genetic defects that run in the family . From what I could find , a level II ultrasound is a very detailed ultrasound that shows your baby a lot more clearly . Our due date was calculated to be June 1 ( I calculated June 2 , we must be pretty close ) and our next appointment will be at about 16 weeks . We had our first " class " for baby this week . It gave us a little information about nurse midwives and about how I should be taking care of myself & baby . I still like the idea of going with a nurse midwife to deliver our baby , but we both agreed that nurse midwives seem to be a little over the top with somethings . For example , I am all about trying to eat healthy , but the nurse midwife giving the class ( who is also the nurse midwife for our first pre - natal appointment next week ) was all into buying everything organic . I guess it would be nice , if everyone could afford it , but there 's no way . She also said not to drink anything out of plastic . I understand wanting to avoid the BPA , but there 's no way we can purchase everything in metal containers or paper cartons . I will stick with my BPA - free Nalagene and keep buying the products I am buying . She also wanted us to throw out all our cleaning chemicals and use nothing but vinegar & citrus oils ( or something ) . Now , I will stay away from them ( Adam cleans the bathrooms anyway , plus I really do hate the smell ) , but I 'm not about to throw them all out and have my house smell like we were dying Easter eggs all the time . I 'm not trying to rag on nurse midwives . After all , we are still going with nurse midwives for this pregnancy ( and probably any others we have in the future ) . They want mother and baby to be as healthy as they can be , but they also understand that we can 't make all these changes to our life ( and quite frankly , many people can 't afford some of them ) . They 're all good suggestions , I guess , but put them all together , and it 's a little over the top for me . I am a little frustrated & upset . Shortly after we found out we were pregnant , we told our parents , asking them not to say anything to anyone until the second trimester . Adam actually told his oldest brother , Jon , right away when they were hunting , and soon after called his sister , Jacque , in California to tell them . He was waiting to tell his other brothers , Charles & Ben , until he saw them though . He saw Charles when they went to get the cabin ready for deer hunting and told him , and when he saw Ben at the gun show , he was going to tell him , but he already knew . I guess Adam 's mom had told all their friends at the bar , one of which lives below Ben . So of course Ben found out from this fellow , and Adam wasn 't able to tell his brother that we are expecting our first child . I feel bad that Adam lost that chance , and that Ben had to find out from someone who isn 't even family that his own brother is going to have a baby . Adam wasn 't surprised , as I guess it 's hard for his mom to keep a secret . I know it 's exciting news ( trust me , it really is for us ! ) , but we would like to wait until we are out of the first trimester for the rest of the world to know . The rate of miscarriage is pretty high in the first trimester and if that happens to us , it will be a lot harder on us if more people know . Which is why we 've picked & chosen who we 've wanted to know . I was disappointed also to find out that his mom had started to tell someone else , when my sister - in - law nudged her to tell her that some people ( her kids . . . our nieces & nephews ) don 't know yet . And she told the lady to " just keep it between them . " But one of our nieces found out . Of course she is really excited , but it 's hard for a 7 - year - old to keep a secret from all her brothers & sister . At Thanksgiving , we had planned on telling everyone , since it would be close to the end of the first trimester & all the family would be together anyway . But from the sound of it , a lot of the extended family already knows . I 'm disappointed that we 've had our exciting announcement of ouPosted by At the end of week 6 and through most of week 7 I was feeling pretty great . My stomach didn 't hurt , I was eating well , my back would hurt sometimes , and of course I am always tired , but it was pretty easy to deal with . But the last couple days of week 7 I started to get my stomach ache back . I remember reading that during week 7 your baby grows a lot , and the brain cells are developing very quickly . I 'm wondering if the baby is stealing all the food in my stomach for the energy to grow and leaving me with a stomach ache & hunger pains ! Adam agrees with me now , that I do look like I 'm just a very little bit pregnant . You can 't tell through my clothes , but if I lift up my shirt , and you know what my belly looked like before . . . well , it doesn 't look like that so much any more . I think the nerves are calming down a little now , and we 're getting more used to the idea of being parents . It 's starting to get exciting ! We have told my parents and brother , and his parents , and some of his siblings . My mom is so excited to be a grandma ! She found some Winnie the Pooh fabric to make a crib quilt for the baby , and we 're talking about how to decorate the nursery . My brother is super excited to be an uncle ! Adam 's mom was talking about finding stuff at the thrift store when she went last week . We are starting to look at names . I already know that if it is a girl , I would like to name her after my grandmother who died a few months before our wedding . We 're not sure if we 'll use her name , or a variation or nickname , because Adam 's not totally sold on the whole name . For a boy I always like Michael & Jonathon , but those names are already in Adam 's family ( his dad & his brother ) . But , we have a short list of boy 's names picked out , though I think I know which one I like best already ! I think for Adam and I , its becoming more and more real each day that we , with the help of God , have created a child together , and about 8 months from now , are going to welcome him / her into this world . For Adam , I think what made it more real this week was having the doctor confirm the pregnancy . The nurse that confirmed with us , sat down to give us a few details of what we needed to do next . I need to make an appointment for when I 'm 8 - 10 weeks along . I was hoping that I could stay with our doctor 's office , since I have been there for quite a while . But , I found out that if I work with either of the doctors there , that neither of them will actually deliver our baby . So I 'll have to do some research to find someone who will be with us throughout the whole pregnancy . For me , its how this tiny person ( that 's about the size of a sesame seed right now ) growing inside me is totally affecting my stomach ! I can 't eat as much at each meal , because my stomach will hurt . I can 't go long without eating , because my stomach will hurt . I can 't bend over , because my stomach will hurt . I wake up , and my stomach hurts . ( You get the picture . . . ) Luckily , so far I haven 't thrown up ( thank God . . . P . S . If you 're reading this God , please keep it that way ! ) . 4 Weeks + 1 Day5 Weeks + 2 Days I was on the senior retreat with my students , figuring my " friend " would meet me there . ( She was supposed to show up Sunday , and we were gone from Wednesday through Thursday . ) Thursday while I was there , I decided to talk to one of my co - workers who had a baby recently to find out how she found out she was pregnant . She was tracking , as I have been , and so knew her cycle pretty well . She said when she didn 't start her new cycle on the day she was supposed to , she took a pregnancy test , and it was positive . In my tracking , I have found that I do not have a very consistent lutel phase ( which is always supposed to be exactly the same for a woman ) . That has made it difficult to figure out if I have missed my period or if I have a longer lutel phase this month . Four days after I was supposed to start a new cycle , I was on my way home from the retreat , and decided to stop by the store and pick up a pregnancy test ( even though at this point , I was 99 % positive I was pregnant ) and something gender - neutral that said " I love Daddy " on it , as a way to tell Adam . My plan was to get up in the morning after he left for work , take the test , then put the bib and the positive pregnancy test on his sink . But on my way home , I got a phone call asking if he could leave for hunting that night . I told him we 'd talk about it when I got home . Well , I thought , that kinda spoils my plan , but then I thought I could just take it over the weekend and have the surprise waiting for him when he got home . When I got home , he asked me about my " friend " and if she showed up . I wouldn 't give him a direct answer , I just smiled and would ask what he thought . He was pretty sure that my " friend " was still hanging out with me . So we moved on to talking about him going hunting , and I was reluctant to say yes , as I wanted him around . I wanted to be able to talk to him about our new adventure . I just wanted him there . He really wanted to go , since it was the first time his nephew would get to hunt , and as I didn 't have a good reason for him to stay , I said hPosted by After two months of trying to conceive with no success , the thought passed through my mind , " What if we can 't conceive ? " I haven 't paid too much attention to the question , as I 've read that if you 've been trying for a year , and still aren 't successful , then " they " suggest that you see a fertility specialist . After only two months , I 'm not overly worried . Another thing has put my mind at ease as well . The other night , I had a dream . In this dream , I was pregnant , and just barely starting to show . I don 't know why , but I was kind of trying to hide it by the way I stood . I also didn 't touch my tummy , because I thought people would then realize I was pregnant . I don 't know why I was trying to hide it , and I don 't really remember much past that . But , it did put my mind at ease to have a dream where I was pregnant . The magical stick kind of lied to us . It said that I wasn 't pregnant ( which was true ) , but we figured that meant that my " friend " would be coming along on our camping trip . She didn 't . Which made us wonder all weekend . . . was the stick lying ? I know I 've read that often these tests can 't detect the pregnancy hormone until you are 5 weeks pregnant ( one week after your missed period , which of course by then you 're already pretty sure . . . or you 're thinking that something is wrong with you ) . So all weekend we weren 't sure if we were waiting my " friend " to show up , or if we were expecting . Throughout many of our " nothing yet " conversations over the weekend , Adam began to realize that he really wasn 't ready to have a baby , and I was beginning to realize that I wasn 't ready to share Adam 's attention with someone else quite yet ( only three months of marriage isn 't enough for me ! ) . We got back from camping on Sunday , and we decided that if it was still " nothing yet " that I would take another pregnancy test on Wednesday . But my " friend " showed up on Monday . I was slightly relieved , but slightly disappointed too . Since we 're really not sure what we want , we decided to wait at least for the next three months . ( Counting out the nine months , we found that the baby would be born in the summer . Ideally , we would like him / her to be born in April or May so that we can maximize the length of time that we 're home with the baby before he / she needs to be in daycare . ) Of course I figure , now that we 're not trying to conceive , we 'll get pregnant . We shall see what happens . The start of a new month , meant the start of a new chance to conceive . We still weren 't sure what we wanted , so we still went for " what ever happens , happens . " Though the more I thought about it , I decided I was a little more towards waiting until next year to bring a child into the world . I wanted to know what Adam thought though too ( as he 's half of the problem , or solution , depending on how you 're looking at it ) . So when I asked him , he said he was 50 / 50 split right down the middle . ( For those of you that don 't know Adam , this is a very typical response . ) So I implored deeper , hoping he would want to wait too , " Are you even 1 % more one way or the other ? " Of course it took him a while to answer , but he said he was probably more towards having a baby than not . Now that threw me off , as I had been the one asking since before we were married , " When can we have one ? " And he had been the one with some comment on how long I would have to wait . But , now the tables have turned . The more I stewed over his 1 % , the more comfortable I became with the idea myself . On about August 10th , I ovulated . Of course we wouldn 't know until about August 22nd whether or not we should convert our space bedroom , consisting of a futon & Adam 's bookshelf full of sci - fi books , into a nursery . Oh yes , and did I mention that we are leaving to go camping the day before we would know . We really do have impeccable timing when it comes to trips ! Strangely enough , I started getting some cramps on the 16th and 17th . Humm , I wonder if it really is this time , or if it 's more of that hypochondriacy setting it , just like last month . But now today , my head feels all woozy and I just want to go back to bed . Though , part of that could be because I told Adam to wake me up ( and make me get out of bed ! ) when he got home from work at 7am . I went to bed at 10 : 30pm or so last night , so I got eight hours , but who knows . While I was up until 10 : 30pm last night , I was looking at a website that has a calendar week - by - week , of what your baby looks like and how it 's groPosted by Adam and I finally decided that we didn 't have an opinion on whether or not we wait to have a baby , or have one now . So we 're pretty much just winging it . . . if we end up pregnant , great . . . if not , great ! We started decided this last ( lunar ) month . As the end of the month came closer ( and our road trip came closer ) , and I realized that I didn 't know if my " friend " would be coming along on our trip , or if we would be bringing someone new . I read up on a bunch of different sites about different signs of pregnancy ( maybe I could tell before my " friend " showed up . . . or didn 't . ) Then of course you become a pregnancy hypochondriac , and all of the signs & symptoms you 've read about , you suddenly have ! I wasn 't to sure if I was excited about this new possibility , or not . But I liked the idea of not knowing much better than knowing ( because I really didn 't know what I wanted ) . The day before we left on our trip , we decided I would pee on a magical little stick that would tell us who would be joining us on our trip . It 's not like it 's a hard test to take , and since we didn 't know what we wanted the results to be , there was no way to fail the test either . But for some reason , I was still nervous to take it . Adam decided to take a nap ( I don 't know why , he doesn 't get up until 2 : 30am ! Alright , maybe I do . ) , and I decided that would be a good time to use this magical stick . I read all the directions ( for what I believe was the third time . . . I guess you can 't be too prepared for a test that you can 't fail ! ) , and did exactly as instructed . I won 't go into all the details , but after I waited the three minutes ( down to the very last second , I watched the oven timer ) as instructed , I picked up the magical stick and it had one line . Now , as I had read the directions three times , I knew well that the one line meant that my " friend " would be joining us on our trip . Sure enough she showed up the next day , the day we hit the road bound for Oregon . |
Let me say , for the record , and to no one 's surprise , that I don 't like Donald Trump 's policies or politics . I think his manner and his mouth have created an atmosphere that endorses violence and encourages prejudice . There , I 've said it . Let me also say that I don 't care about his hair , his tan , his weight or any other superficial thing about him . I don 't think that any of those things have any place in the debate about his policies . I believe it 's what he does that makes him concerning to people like me - I think calling him names about his supposed ' orangeness ' trivializes the danger he poses and makes arguments against his policies seem secondary to his look and his presence . I 'm only guessing here but I 'd say that less than 10 percent of the posts I read that are anti - Trump speak strictly about his policies and his politics . All the rest have some element that would be classified as ' bully ' commentary about him physically . Everyone seems to be trying to outdo everyone else in regards to put downs about his looks in one way or another . We should be so against bullying and teasing and name calling that we don 't do it , even against those that we don 't like . It 's easy not to bully a friend . It 's a piece of cake not to tease someone you love . The test of our mettle is when it comes to applying the same standard of behaviour to those who we , even violently , oppose . It 's happened many times of course , without me really noticing . But when it happened a few weeks ago , and then again yesterday , I began to think about it , ask questions about it and now want to write about it . The first time it happened Joe and I were having lunch with a couple , and if you knew the history of us all that would have surprised you , who were now ' accepting ' of us as gay people but for years held very negative views of homosexuality in general and us specifically . What brought us together for this meal is too complicated to explain . Over lunch we were told a long , and very detailed , story about them having been out for lunch at another restaurant some time in the recent past . The waiter who was ' obviously gay ' had been rude to them , ' like he thought he was better than them , ' and then it went on to what a snob he was and how poorly he did his job . The ' obviously gay ' remark was thrown in there several times just so we never forgot even for a moment that this guy was a poof . Then the story ended . There was no point except to say that an ' obviously gay ' man had been mean to the poor little straight couple . What did we do ? Due to the politics of the situation , we simply changed the subject and went on . The whole episode bothered me , like something really weird had just happened but I couldn 't figure out quite what it was . Then , yesterday , I had someone I know well tell me a story , in response to the fact that I 'd mentioned I 'm back to using my scooter for short runs while I try to get my power chair fixed , wherein someone in a scooter had nearly run them over . Then once that bit of the story was out , a bit of a diatribe followed , they go too fast these scooter users , they don 't pay attention , they think they own the side walk . Again , I was caught in the politics of the situation , there are times when it simply will cost too much to speak up . I held these two conversations together in my mind and compared and contrasted . Neither of them had a point , they were just recounting negative experiences with marginalized people . In both , the privileged were victims of people who were rude and who demanded space . It seemed to be to be a way to through homophobia and heterosexism or disphobia and ableism into a conversation . It 's a new way to call names and a way to present oneself as a victim of those who should know their place . My power chair has been on the fritz for quite a while now , they are coming to look at it Tuesday , because they won 't take it to fix it until they look at it because our word that it doesn 't need ' looking at ' it needs fixed isn 't good enough , so we 'll have to schedule the pick up after the look at fails . Sorry , I lost control of that sentence . Anyways , I 'm using my old scooter which is definitely showing it 's age . It can 't do more than one or two ramps on a charge and it 's simply failing . It 's somewhere just over 15 years old and never had a batter change . But , it allows me to move around my immediate neighbourhood . We were heading up towards the mall on the north side of the street and I 'd made it across the street but the scooter simply stalled , came to a quick stop , as I was riding up the curb cut . I sat there literally and figuratively powerless . The light changed and a woman walking quickly to catch the light came to a dead stop beside me , the idea of going around me hadn 't occurred to her . Now , I 'm frazzled and upset and feeling powerless , I had no room left for manners . I said , " Yeah , and I did this just to inconvenience you . I 'd planned it for months and it 's worked , I couldn 't be happier . " My face wad deadpan serious . Like I really had planned to pick this woman out of all the people in the world to plot a master plan to be in her way while she walked on the sidewalk . We went into a coffee shop yesterday . I say that but Joe and I had tea and Sadie a hot chocolate so no coffee graced our table . When we went in we saw it was really full of people . I spotted one table free and headed for it . I couldn 't see , because of a post , that it was beside , but not part of , another table . When the other table came into view it was occupied by a young woman and a much older man , with a disability , who , like me , was using a scooter . He , also like me , was pulled up to the side of the table . Once our table was claimed Joe and Sadie went off in search of drinks , tea biscuits and the like . After just a second a harsh glare from the other man with a disability came my way . I suddenly felt that I was intruding , but I was at another table , not connected to his table , and the place was full . He said something to the young woman with him and they simply left . I got the impression that he didn 't want to be at a table with another person with a disability sitting so closely by . It would have been easy to mistake that we were a group . I don 't think , and again , I 'm guessing , that they 'd have left if I had been non - disabled . I run into this sometimes . The prejudice within the disabled community to others with disabilities . The desire to only be surrounded by non - disabled people , as if their value will rub off on you . I felt guilty but only for a second . Why should I care any more about a disabled bigot than a non disabled one ? Now , I don 't know for certain what was going on . But the dirty look he gave me was unmistakable . They were in a coffee shop packed with people , it 's not a place where couples seek private time together . And , it seemed more like a helper / helpee relationship . He was in his late teens , he had been with a group of friends , in the mall . I had turned towards the elevator and in doing so came into their view . They all , to a one , looked over at me . Then , predictably , they started laughing , and glancing over at me . My appearance sometimes doesn 't meet a verbal response , sometimes it 's just glances from me to each other and back . I 've been in this situation before and there are several possible responses , I was tired , I chose the ' go by in dignity ' response , which , by the way , isn 't ' just ignoring it ' . To make it obvious that you have heard and seen the actions of others and to proceed ahead unbowed , unwilling to give them more space , to go bravely by people who have identified themselves as enemy , is action . I waited at the elevator with my back to them . This , for me , is an act of courage . I don 't like having cruel people behind me . I feel really vulnerable . I don 't know when the words will translate into action , for the glances had become words , said loudly , for my benefit . Sometimes elevators run on molasses time and this one when it finally arrived , I felt older . I got on , and turned around , just as the door was closing , a hand shot out to stop it . One of the young men got on the elevator with me . This surprised me and scared me a little . Alone , in a small space with someone who thinks me less than human . I was going to 5 , he to 6 . At 3 , I 'd had enough . Knowing he 'd heard me , I asked an expanded question , " Does it bother you how easy it is for you to be needlessly cruel ? Do you ever worry that as a father you will be abusive , that as a husband you will batter your wife ? Cruelty comes easy to you . Does that bother you ? " " Does it bother you that you define humiliating a stranger as fun ? Does that worry you for who you 'll be in a few years . Will you humiliate you wife ? Will you humiliate your children ? I would think that at your age you 'd be thinking about this ? And so you know , that wasn 't fun for me ? " We came into the lobby and were blown away . It was completely redesigned and really fresh and beautiful . It 's a smaller chain known for room that are reasonably priced and for pretty good service . As we are in our 60s and as we 'd been driving for hours our first request was for directions to the toilets . We were pointed in their general direction . There was a men 's , a women 's , and and all genders toilet , I was initially pleased to see the inclusivity until I noticed that none of them had the disabled symbol on them . I guessed that the all genders toilet would be the one and I guessed right . Now I 'm feeling a little bit bad for feeling a little bit annoyed . Why the loss of the disabled symbol ? Knowing at a glance which washroom I can use is really helpful . Was I being petty ? Was I simply tired and churlish ? I don 't know , but I felt that it was like the hotel saying , ' there 's only so much diversity we can deal with so be grateful for what 's here and hush up . " When I mentioned the bathrooms to the clerk he went on and on about how nice it is to be welcoming to everyone . I pointed out the lack of disabled symbol and the guess I 'd made . It was like talking to someone who cared a lot about what he already thought and didn 't want to think any more thank you . Then , after checking in , I wanted to go into the little shop beside the registration desk to get a snack for the room . It wasn 't wheelchair accessible . They had these poles holding nicely designed curved frosted glass and at the bottom of the pole was a huge round disk . I suppose to others it would look pretty but to me it looked like a significant barrier . I tried and was right , I couldn 't get in . I should have kept count of how many of these I 've written . I didn 't realize upon becoming disabled that I 'd become a prolific writer of letters documenting , to those who think we 'd not notice , prejudice built and bigotry encountered . But they have to know we notice . They have to know . It was a rainy and blustery day in Ocean City and our plans for going out for a walk along the bay or the ocean blew away in the wind . After getting to our room and meeting with organizers , Joe and I went for a tea in the pub . We managed to find a table by the window and sat comfortable and warm and watched the waves crash on the beach and the wind whip throw the palms . It was wild and wonderful and in all ways beautiful . We felt blessed to just be there . Suddenly we were approached by a woman sitting at the table behind us , she assumed great authority and she placed one hand on Joe 's shoulder and one on my wheelchair . She started chatting with us about what we do and why we were at the hotel . Then she turns to me and asked how long I 'd been " differently abled . " My spine stiffened . I 'd never been called that before . I 'd heard it used , of course , but never in direct reference to me . She said that she was trying to be politically correct and asked if she 'd got it right . I told her that she hadn 't got it right that the term was simply " disabled " or , in my case , " wheelchair user " would be fine . She clearly didn 't like either of those words but she accepted that that was my " opinion . " I know that some times I have trouble letting go of things , but the words " differently abled " rang in my ears for hours afterwards . I couldn 't make them fit into any part of my brain , they seemed to mock me with a false sense of acceptance and a large dose of denial . I think that first we euthanize speech , when it comes to disability , and then we move from there . I want to remain spoken . Euphemism and euthanasia both begin with ' eu ' from the Greek for well but the endings mean different things , well said and well dead . Then I began the process of uploading the edited picture to Facebook . As I was doing that I was thinking about my keynote speech tomorrow and about how part of it was how we all need to claim who we are and thereby push shame aside . I looked at the edited picture . I looked at the original picture . I suddenly saw how shame had become an unconscious habit . Shame was just something I did . When I realized that , without even thinking much about it , I had erased a part of who I was , the way I existed in the world , I felt such pain . Why ? Why does shame live when I purposely don 't water it , I don 't set it in the sun , I don 't nourish it . But , then maybe I do . We arrived at a hotel , after two calls to confirm our accessible room , to be given a room that was not accessible . You can picture all that ensues , I just can 't write that story again . We eventually find another hotel , load the car and drive over . We 'd arrived late at the first hotel , after a full days work and a six hour drive , now it was 2 hours later and we were checking in to a different hotel that happened to have an accessible room . That weekend some time I had to write the obligatory letter of complaint , sent to the company as well as the actual hotel where this happened . I tried to explain both the situation and what the situation had meant to me . I received an apology letter that I felt , as I said in my reply , was generic and that , while recognizing the situation , didn 't seem to recognize the effect on me as a disabled traveler . This all ends in a phone call between myself and the manager . We spoke and she said something that really angers me in these situations and I 'd like to hear your opinions on this . She said , " I understand how you feel . " I stated clearly that she could not and did not . In fact I ranted . I 'd had enough of this kind of bullshit approach to empathy . " I 'm tired , " I said " of non - disabled people telling me that they understand how I feel when they simply can 't , they don 't know what it is to be offered a room that you can 't poo in , they don 't know what it 's like to be suddenly , unexpectedly homeless , they don 't know what it is to be on display in a lobby as others check in looking at you with pity and slight superiority because they can sleep in any fucking room in the hotel and you can only use the three or four that were granted you for us , they don 't know what it is to have used up all your energy just getting there and not knowing where to pull more from to try and find another place , drive to another place , hope that the other place got accessibility right , they don 't know that trust from a disabled traveler is different and deeper than it is for a non - disabled traveler , they don 't know that our trust given is absolute and when it 's broken it hurts , they don 't know that disabled travelers move about the world in fear of arrival , in fear that their bodies will make them suddenly , like I was , homeless . You don 't understand . " We hung up from the call each angry at the other . She had to control hers , it was her job to stay cool , and she did . I didn 't have to control mine , except to not personally attack her and to stay focused on what happened and why it was important . But the " I understand . . . " statement pushed a button in me that unleashed a torrent that I couldn 't stop or control . We were wandering through the mall in Salisbury when we came upon an exhibit of artwork done by various companies or artisans all which feature a bra incorporated into the work . You can vote for your favourite if you make a donation to the breast cancer foundation . Of all there I found myself really struck by the one that was made of crayons , with the " Broken crayons still color " tag line . In fact it was that line that stopped me in my tracks , I 'd been pushing hard , not the bras themselves . I didn 't even realize what it was until I 'd stopped and noticed the crayon bra along with all the others on display . There was something really powerful and really healing in those words , something that really touched me . I liked the idea that brokenness , even that which can never be mended , doesn 't end usefulness . I liked the idea that healing isn 't necessary for those who 've been wounded in order for them to move on and still contribute and be of service and of value . I don 't know that I 've ever said out loud how I believe that there are some areas of brokenness that are simply never going to be made right again , but that isn 't where it all ends . It doesn 't end with being broken , or even the sense of being broken , it ends with being broken incorporated into a life anyway . This is my experience . There are parts of me , shattered . There are parts of me forever tender to the touch . There are parts of me that are dealt with only by doing and being anyway - doing damns the darkness . I sat there in my chair reading this message over and over and over again . Simply said . My eyes moved from the words to the bra and I couldn 't help but smile . The audacity of a crayon bra , last years winner in the annual contest , having raised money and consciousness and awareness pleases me . He approached me from the front . I was pushing myself to the rest stop up a slight grade in blistering heat . He drew near , said how hot it was and asked if I wanted a push . I told him that I was good and thanked him for the offer . He smiled and wished me a good day and headed on in ahead of me . I was a few feet behind and Joe joined me from parking the car , the disabled stalls were all full and he 'd had to park a distance away , and we went in . After using the facilities we went to get a bite of lunch , it had been a long time since breakfast and we were both hungry . In the line up , just ahead of us , I ran into the fellow who 'd offered the push who was accompanied by his daughter , a young woman with Down Syndrome . Forgive me but my first thought was that this explained why he was so respectful about offering help and having it refused . Not a lot of people do that with the grace that he did . They stepped aside to let us go ahead because they went back to get something to drink . We were through and seated when they were back in the line up to pay . I noticed that his daughter was ahead of him , holding her lunch tray . When she got to the cashier she pulled out her money and gave it over . Here 's the amazing thing . It 's a small thing . But it 's a huge thing too . During the time she was paying , and accepting the change , and putting it back into her purse , she never looked to him . She didn 't look for approval . She didn 't look in fear of having made a mistake . She didn 't look to him for a cue of any kind . She just did what was needed to be done and then picked up her tray and moved on , going ahead , while he paid , to select a table . In the course of my years of work with people with intellectual disabilities I often see something quite different . I often see people who , being constantly taught and constantly critiqued , often look to parent or support provider for approval or reassurance or in slight fear of having made yet another mistake . She did none of those things . It seemed like she 'd also been taught , because all of us , if we have it , are taught self confidence . I realized then that when he approached me , to offer the push , he was alone . She was not with him . She must have gone ahead , not stapled to his side , and gone in herself to a busy rest stop . He and she were separate and independent people together by relationship and by circumstance rather than by desperate need . I don 't know anything about this man , or this woman , but I do know that both of them respect each other and both of them love each other and both of them are comfortable with their own power . There are lots of amazing parents out there . There are lots of wonderful support staff . The results of their very best work is often in what 's not seen , like the absence of a glance , and small acts of complete confidence . It was already pretty hot when we hit the street yesterday morning . I lamented that I 'd used up a lot of energy just getting to the start point of our trip to the museum where I would lecture . There was a long ramp from the hotel up to the street that requires a sustained and difficult push , I 'd done it twice before , and knew I could , but with my shoulders already burning , I was worried about what was yet to come . Crossed the street once and then again to get on the side of the street without construction and did okay , but just okay because the slant really put pressure on my right arm . Then we hit the bricks . The front wheels rebelled and hung up on nearly every one . It was impossible to push through . Joe offered to push but I didn 't want that . I turned around so that my large back wheels would go over the bricks and used a combination of my arms and one leg to propel me backwards . It worked , I had to change which leg I used a couple of times , but I made progress . I write this so far as if I was alone on that sidewalk . I wasn 't . There were lots of people walking , in both directions , all in a hurry to get to where they were going . The sidewalks aren 't wide and there were the occasional bottlenecks as people going one way and people going another had to figure out how to both get around me . Joe , the explorer , mapped it out . I 'm lecturing this morning in a museum just down the road from our hotel . Then in the afternoon , I cross the street and come back a bit to the offices where I 'll be presenting for the rest of the day . I have decided that I 'm going to push there and back . So , notes in my wheelchair bag , Joe beside me , we are heading out on this adventure . I hope I have enough breath to make it through the day . I hope I have the strength to make it there and back . Yoda said , ' try not , do or do not , there is no try ' . . . um . . . I call intergalactic crap to that nonsense , of course there 's try . I try until I do . Or , of course , do not . And Nike , you never ' just do it ' . Please , sometimes fit people think that achieving something happens by a magical act of willing and doing . Let me make this clear if I do it , there 's no ' just ' about it . Yesterday when we arrived at the hotel , the weather was sunny and the air was warm . We got into our room and I suggested that we go down to the outdoor cafe that 's attached to the hotel . We could sit there , have a tea , and enjoy just being out of doors . When you are on a lecture tour it 's mostly indoors , hotels , conference centres and then sitting in a car driving to the next destination . It had rained a lot over the weekend so even those days were spent in malls and movie theatres . Even with all the variety of all these places , the feel of processed air pressing against skin reminds me of those that lived , without breeze , in large facilities , captured for the crime of difference . But , I shake that away , I can 't bear it . We went downstairs and found that there was a long ramp up to the exit which was closest to the outside cafe . I managed it , my muscles worked hard , but I managed it . And I managed a push over uneven pavement to the cafe . I found a table that I could easily pull into and felt quite comfortable . My comfort came from the fact that my back was to the busy street , I looked into a quiet street , under construction . There was no one there to look back at me . I rested there , feeling safe . No eyes to judge me , no comments to be made by passers by . But then , without thinking about it , I turned my chair and went to another table , this time I faced out at all those coming and going on the busy street . I was fully in their view and they in mine . Joe returned , a tea in each hand , and noticed the change of table . I told him that it was a bit boring looking into the empty road . People came and went , doing what city people do , and we sat feeling the late sun , the warm air and the freshness of being outside . We chatted about the day passed and the day upcoming . We talked about our upcoming move . We marvelled at people jaywalking the street with their phones in their hands and their eyes on the screen . Oh to have so much luck that you can rely on it . We don 't and haven 't we decided . But nothing happened . I was left alone to just be a patron sitting outside on a lovely day . I realized that sometimes maybe I 'm turning my back on a world in anticipation of hurt , maybe I give up too much because of that . But enough . I had a lovely time and part of that was simply because I was left alone to do so . It doesn 't happen often and I should just leave it alone and enjoy it . I received some feedback about a presentation I did a little while back where I was accused of fat - shaming myself . I read that comment over and over again . I am not ashamed of who I am . I am publicly out as a fat person . I decry the behaviour of those who act out of a ' right to cruelty ' sense of thin superiority . All of these things jumped about in my head when I read this . I thought back to the presentation and can remember making only two comments about my weight , neither of them suggesting that there was anything wrong or disgusting with me or my body . I 'm not sure who made the comment or what it was that they heard . But I had to think about what they said . I came to the decision that I 'm not going back into the closet about my weight or about my existence as a fat man in a hostile world . It 's part of my personal narrative and it 's well within my rights to talk about it . Mentioning the fact that I am fat is not ' fat shaming ' . Talking about my experiences as a fat person is not ' fat shaming . ' Joking about my weight is not ' fat shaming ' if those jokes are about people 's response to me being fat or my experience of being fat , I avoid joking about any experience where fat is attached to a moral value . It is not uncommon for people to tell me , in comments after a lecture , that I shouldn 't mention my weight . It 's like just the fact that I say out loud who I am , conjures up all the bad things they think about fat people so therefore I should be silent . I won 't . Joe and I had to go to a particular store in a particular mall nearby today . There was something we wanted to pick up for a gift . We arrived , rode the elevator up to the second floor and I pushed out . We headed the way the map told us to go and soon saw the store ahead of us . It was faint at first but I was sure that I was hearing violin music being played . It didn 't sound like a recording , it sounded live . A few feet further ahead I was able to look through glass barriers that allowed those on the second floor to look down through open space , to the first floor . Standing alone on a small stage was a young woman who was playing her violin with unfeigned passion . The music was stunning . Joe , the classical music buff , was able to identify everything she played , I just thought it was pretty and soothing and sometimes oddly compelling . I looked up from the music and saw people rushing around , families with kids , husbands and wives , teens out with friends . They all made their own kind of noise . It didn 't take away from the music . It was like this pure sound was pushing aside the quiet din and making space for itself . Suddenly I got teary . I thought of the woman who 'd checked me into the Marriott hotel in Bridgewater , New Jersey only a few days before . The lobby had been quiet but the bar was busy and there was a lot of noise , and laughter , and one slightly hot debate . Joe stood next to me as I checked in and then suddenly another sound cut through the din , just like this music had , it was the sound of respect . The clerk spoke to me about my room , she talked to me about the services of the hotel , right there with Joe beside me , standing , at her height , and she was looking down at me , it 's just that she wasn 't looking down on me . Throughout her information giving chat , she glanced at Joe to include him , she was welcoming to both , but it had been a reservation in my name and my credit card was used , I was her customer . There on the second floor of the mall , we listened to this young woman play . It was as if the music conjured up this image in my mind to combat my experience of being ' othered ' during my push to the store . People staring and pointing at me , making me feel like I was there for their amusement and to give them something to talk and laugh about . I pushed , hard , towards my destination to get out of there as quickly as possible . That stuff became just noise . That stuff just didn 't matter because it wasn 't , like the music was , beautiful . It was just there . It was just noise . The sound from the stage pulled me to a stop in a place where I didn 't feel safe . It wrapped around me , and then , there was just the music and me and the pictures the music made in my head . When the clerk finished checking me in I thanked her and told her exactly what she had done that I found so refreshing , she treated me as a valued customer . Me . In my body , in my chair , I 'm used to noise . Lots of noise . But her tone and her manner cut through all that and reminded me of what respect sounds like in my ear . In my tradition , we never talked about her . Mary , the mother of Jesus , was given over to the Catholics and we made do with the rest of the family . It was like the leaders of my denomination simply didn 't know what to do with her , how to fit her comfortably into a narrative , because of course , she doesn 't fit easily into the picture of motherhood created in the minds of many . But , there was something about that particular Mary that I found hopeful as a child . I saw her as a mother who loved her kid , with determination and with passion , knowing he was different . He took off on her , as children do , and she had to search to find him . He argued with teachers and debated those who he was supposed to simply bow down to . He couldn 't have been an easy child , today they would put him on medication , to calm down his innate sense of revolution . But she loved her son anyway . Even to his death , she followed him . She must have seen it coming , and she didn 't turn her back on him , didn 't disavow him , he was hers and she loved him . This is easy to understand from a distance but on the ground , when it was all happening , I 'm not so sure it was easy . She , to me , is a role model . To me she challenges , even today , parents to love the kid they 've got . To never turn away from your child even when the world has . Steadfastness in the belief that family matters , that your child 's difference is simply your child 's difference , no matter whether that difference is celebrated or reviled . I remember the very first time I saw a woman with a sign , in a protest march , that read , " I love my gay son . " I wept . I cried for blocks as we marched through a crowd that threw things at us , rocks , garbage , anything they could find on the street . She loved her son anyway . It was possible for the human heart to love anyway . I remember seeing a woman , standing up in a meeting , and demanding that her son with an intellectual disability be given a shot at a future , at an education , at a chance to be amongst rather than set apart . She spoke of his difference . She spoke of her pride in him , anyway . It was possible for a parent 's heart to feel pride anyway . I remember a woman with a physical and intellectual disability showing me a picture of her daughter , a daughter she raised at home , a single mother . Her daughter did not have her disabilities , and her disabilities made some aspect of motherhood more difficult , but she loved being a mom . It was possible for all hearts to love kids , to want the best for them , and to work around the barriers in the way , because there are always barriers . When I was a little boy , just coming to terms with my difference . I knew I liked boys . It was a time of silence regarding who and what I was , I had a picture of Mary , and I imagined she knew of my difference and she knew of my secret , and I imagined she loved me anyway . It gave me comfort . Years later and only days ago , my Mom said that she wished Joe and I could be with her and my brother and his wife for Mother 's Day . I hung up and asked Joe if he heard my mother 's words . They may have sounded like an invitation to a brunch , but what they said was . . . There was noise at the door . I had been sitting having my breakfast with my back to the door . The view was lovely , spring greens abounded , and behind me work waited . At first I thought that the sound was just people coming into and leaving the breakfast room . But it grew and I turned to see the elderly lady from yesterday 's post , sitting in her transfer chair , with the woman pushing her attempting to get her in through the door . The issue was the sill . I had noticed it coming in . It was raised to wheel stopping high , it had sharp edges which were not designed to be rolled over . I 've encountered these enough now as a self propelled wheelchair user to know exactly how to manage them . I need to lean back , lift the front wheels and push . It 's not an easy move to manage , but I do . Frustration was growing on the face of the woman pushing the chair , she was fair slamming the chair into the sill . I could see that there were people behind her wanting in and people in wanting out and she just wanted to get in and get out of the way . But the woman in the chair was holding on to the arms of the chair , tightly , frightened she 'd be thrown off . Then two of the men waiting to get decided to help so they came forward , looking for and getting permission from the woman pushing the chair to grab hold of the arms at the front of the chair with the idea adding strength to pull her in . They leaned down into her space , each of them touching her leg on either side . On the first slam , all they did was add strength to the process and the woman let go a frightened shriek . I called over to them to be careful and then shouted , " Tilt ! ! " The message was received and the chair rose over the sill and they came into the room . Everyone congratulated each other for and this is a direct quote , " getting the chair in . " Sometimes , and this worries me , I can go days without seeing another wheelchair user . On the road , as I am now , we travel from place to place stopping along the way to eat , to do the opposite of eat , to just take a break . Often we will do this at malls or restaurants , places where I 'm fairly guaranteed access to a toilet . The disabled stalls will be full but inside everyone is walking , I 'm aware that many have invisible disabilities and my kinship to them as a member of the disability community is likewise invisible , but that leaves me , pushing hard down hallways and waiting for the accessible stall , feeling quite alone . And then it come , the weight of being the only one . I am sure I am not the only person who has ever felt this . The same is true of most hotels I stay in , most of the lectures I give , most of the people I meet from day to day . I am sitting , they are not . I am rolling , they are not . I am requesting space , they are not . There are times when I completely disidentify with the people around me . I know that I fall into the ' category ' of being a person but it doesn 't feel like that . It just feels lonely . Yesterday I rolled into a pub and there was an older woman sitting in a transport wheelchair , she was slowly eating her dinner . By the setting next to her and the partially eaten plate of food I assume that the person she was with was up and doing something . My pathway through the crowd had me going just behind her chair . I said to her , " Sometimes it 's just nice to see another person in a chair . " Her hand reached out and touched my shoulder , she said , " I know . " Yesterday , when in the lobby of the hotel that the lecture was in , I asked for directions to the meeting place . It was a reasonable thing to do , a big hotel , lots of corridors , and a history of choosing the wrong one . I asked a woman who I was pretty sure would know and she happily pointed the way to me , and yep , I would have gone the wrong way . Then she asked me if I was attending the meeting and I told her I was the presenter at the meeting . She said , ' Oh , with great surprise , and then ' Really ' with either astonishment or disbelief . The constant experience of ' lessness ' in expectations , in possibility and in human status is wearing . I joked back when I didn 't get it about how I liked to jump over low expectations . Now , living with them for so many years , I know that it 's not about leaping over them , it 's about carrying them . The experience of looking out the window and seeing a lowered horizon cannot be easily described . It happened yesterday but started several weeks ago . Joe is having increasing problems with his shoulder . He has an appointment for this to be looked into , but for now , while waiting we 're careful . We 've agreed that for this trip , I will lift and load the luggage like he typically does . I was a little concerned because he 's really good at it and often scoffs at porters at hotels who ' don 't know their way around a piece of luggage ' and Joe often says scornfully . He sets a high standard . So we arrived at the hotel and after rushing in to pee , that 's part of being our age , and then registering , we came back out to the car . Joe was getting things from inside the car , some shopping that we 'd picked up and our coats . I rolled the chair up to the trunk , opened the footrests and got up . I had the cart set right behind the car so I could lift and pull and load in a kind on single movement . I can do this without walking much , and it only depends on my keeping balance , which was helped by my placing my hip against the car . So , the luggage was neatly loaded . I got back into my chair . I was puffed out a bit because thought I 'm doing exercises to be stronger they sometimes don 't seem to be exercising the muscles needed for day to day stuff . I notice a couple , then while seating , who were in the parking lot and staring at me with real judgement in their faces . I thought they should see a disabled man doing all that he could with what he had . They didn 't see that . I would soon find out what they saw and what they thought about it . We disabled people often get the benefit of people sharing with us . I pushed back into the hotel , which was up a long slope , a gentle rise , and then a steeper ramp that lead to the entrance of the building . I was in . Joe was in and pushing the cart . He took the first elevator , I waited for the second , and that 's when they struck . The both castigated me for perpetrating a fraud to get better parking and misuse a parking permit . I was clearly not disabled and the wheelchair must be for show . I sat and looked at them . I was tired from the trip . When they were done I asked if either were doctors or had medical training about disabilities . They said no . I then told them that they were fraudulently representing themselves as people who could make any kind of sound judgement about disability or disabled people . And , as they 'd already used the word , they could fuck off . He he was , slowly , cutting a piece of his pizza . It was clear that while he would be unable to eat it by picking it up with his hands , he would be able to do so by cutting it up into pieces and spearing those pieces with his fork and then taking the food to his mouth . He was with a staff who had turned her back to him to text a message or otherwise use her cell phone , her thumbs flew as she did what she did . She then turned to see that he had started his meal and a look of , this is hard to believe , annoyance crossed her face . " I told you to just wait a moment . " she said . I couldn 't hear his answer as he spoke very softly . " Well , never mind , " she said and took the knife and fork from him against his small protest , and began to cut up his food . " Don 't fuss , " she said , " This will make it much easier for you to get at the pizza faster . " Then she laughed . He didn 't . He looked deflated . When a piece of pizza went astray , he picked his napkin up to wipe his mouth . She saw this and took it from him , she didn 't say anything this time , and neither did he , but he hung on to the napkin and it ripped . She grabbed another one and went for his mouth . She had a firm , ' I 'm helping you ' look on her face . Again he looked defeated . I have no doubt that the staff was trying her best to do her best . I have no doubt that her intention was to give to him what he needed . The only problem is it was she thought he needed . In a brief email exchange yesterday with someone we were talking about this and I stated that the goal in service was to " respect the disability while not disrespecting the ability . " I worked very hard to learn how to get out the door of my apartment building without assistance . It takes both strength and skill , I 'm proud that I don 't need anyone 's help with this . I also know that I need to keep doing it to be able to keep doing it . When away for a week or two working , I always have to try a couple of times to get it right . It really is a case of practice makes perfect . My big problem is that people always want to help me . Yesterday when I was waiting for Joe to come with the car the lobby had 4 people in it . I saw Joe pull up and headed for the door , 4 people saw this and they all began to stand up . I said , " The best way to help me is to not help me . " Three sat done and one kept coming . " I need to do this to be able to do this , " I said insistently and the helper reluctantly returned to his seat . I 'd been to this church before , for Ruby 's First Communion , and their attempt at accessibility , which looked wonderful , didn 't really work . they have cut out a space between pews so you can roll up and be right within the congregation . That 's awesome . But then , they stand a lot , so I was suddenly sitting , entirely alone , in a sea of bums and crotches . I saw nothing . Joe and I talked on the way up and I said that I 'd sit behind the last pew , he 'd sit in the pew in front of me . I 'd be able to see down the aisle and , this time , I 'd see the ceremony up front . Sadie was so excited and nervous . She 'd been told she 'd be the first called up and that thrilled and frightened her . I was in place I could see everything . And then . A fellow arrives late and comes and sits in a pew four in front of ours . When everyone stands , he steps out into the aisle , directly in front of me , and rocks , sideways . Then when it 's time to sit , he steps back into the row and sits down on the pew . I couldn 't see past him . It was getting closer in the service to where Sadie would be going up , I really wanted to see . I edged my wheelchair a bit further over so I 'd be able to lean and see . At this point it never crossed my mind to think of the fellow blocking my view as anything more or less than someone blocking my view . I never thought of him as someone who needed that space and who had a right to that space and who had a right to have his right respected . I was thinking in ways about him that really upset me when done to me . I know better than that . I should have learned from that . It shouldn 't have taken 15 minutes of being bothered by him before I understood that he and I both had a legitimate need for space and that I had to accommodate him in the same way that people accommodate me . The movie started at 10 : 40 so I arranged for WheelTrans to get us there at 9 : 00 . That would give me time to do some laps of the mall , at that time in the morning there are few people there and I can get a good speed up . This particular mall run also includes two ramps up on the run and one large ramp down . Getting over to the place where I run requires going done one long ramp and up another long ramp . It 's fun because I let myself fly down one and then the speed takes me about half way up the other , the last half I do by grabbing the handrails on either side and pulling myself up . I enjoy that . This particular day involves three ramp stories , all of which I want to remember , so I 'm putting them here for me , and you can read along if you choose . We arrived in the bus to find that there is construction going on at the mall and the bus had to drop us a fair way from the entrance . The driver offered to push me to the building and up the ramp and was relieved , I think , when I told her that I didn 't need assistance . I am very big , she was not . It continually pleases me that my strength is such that I can push , even on sidewalks , enough to be pretty independent , even though I haven 't conquered long sidewalk treks . I got into the building and rolled over to ' the ramp . ' It 's a long , steep , ramp that I 've only managed once . That time I rolled close to the handrail and used both the handrail to pull myself and my arms to push myself . It was really hard , but I made it . I tried to go handrail free a couple of times and made it barely a quarter the way up before letting myself roll back . My arms were already tired because I 'd done my weights earlier in the morning but I thought to myself , the point of weight is strength and I wanted to test it yet again against , ' the ramp ' the only one I couldn 't do in the whole mall . I positioned myself in the middle of the ramp , such that I couldn 't reach the rail , I wanted to do this just using my pushing strength . I imagined myself making it , a strangely successful cognitive procedure for me , and then started . The urge to stop , to roll back , was almost harder to push back than it was to push forward . By midway my muscles were screaming , but then determination set it and I inched my way up . My front wheels went over the top and then , I stopped , I 'd used everything . I took seven breaths , like I do when I have to stop doing my shoulder presses because of fatigue and then gave a final push . I 'd made it . I was jubilant . That stands as the biggest victory I 've had in a while . Then it was off to do the run . I pushed over to the elevators and Joe and I chatted about beating ' the ramp ' and finally we were at the two long ones . It was early so I didn 't have to wait . I positioned myself , I do this with care because I fly down that ramp and I depend on the speed to assist me with the ridiculously long ramp on the other side . Down I went , it 's hard not to yell out in glee because it is exhilarating . I hit the start of the ramp up and made it a good distance , I then grabbed the rails and began pulling myself up . This is actually fairly easy , but I know it look impressive . It was here , doing this , that I 'd figured out the difference between watching and staring . People tend to stop and look at my arm , chair and the pull , the mechanics of getting up the ramp . I don 't mind it here , I don 't like being watched get into or out of a car because that seems much more private to me . I 'm a man of contradictions , and I 've learned , that 's allowed . I 'd only managed two pushes around this particular track before but I was moving on to my fourth when I decided to change the pathway . I usually just go around the track , up a ramp , round to the long stretch , down the big ramp and then round the bottom and up a short but steep ramp that takes a lot of energy and then a short push to the start and do it over . There is a ramp I 'd never tried , in the middle of the mall which I decided to try . Never done it before . It 's located , I 'd not noticed before , right beside a Tim 's coffee shop . I got to the bottom of it , positioned myself off to the side leaving lots of room for walkers to get by . I then noticed that the ramp didn 't have those little ridges that all the other ramps have . The help me mark my way up and they help with stopping the chair sliding backwards . Okay , I knew I 'd need to focus on keeping a constant forward movement . I was on my fourth lap , when I 'd never done more than 2 , I 'd already done a lot of ramps , and my shoulders and arms were tired , my back was wet with sweat , but what the hell . Pushing was hard , but I knew immediately I had it in me . Slowly and with constant motion , which can be hard to manage when you have to let go of the wheels , on a slope and grab them quickly again to push forward . Just before the top I glanced over to see that I had the whole of Tim Hortons watching me push my way up . The saw me see them and I got probably thirty thumbs up . When I made the top , I heard a cheer rise from the store . I decided , and this isn 't typical of me , not to think about it in any other way than enthusiasm and encouragement and then I finished the fourth lap . " You 're an odd one aren 't you ? " he said to me after he offered me help , which I refused , to get up and out of my chair to transfer to the car . Now nevermind that I consider that a really intimate service , which I need from time to time when my disability acts up , I think it 's presumptuous to suggest that I wouldn 't have those bases covered . I mean , I didn 't become disabled seconds before and find myself in needing of a help that wasn 't available . I was curious as to how he considered me odd . So , I asked , " In what way am I odd . " " I think it 's odd that you think its odd for a member of a minority group to be an individual person and react in individual ways to situations . I think it 's odd that you comfortably carry around a pathetic stereotype of disabled people and of yourself as the kind saviour . I think it 's odd that you would ask a stranger , who is with another person , to let you touch them . " That last comment was one that I maybe should have reconsidered more carefully but when my dander is up it 's up . He became extremely angry and abusive , he didn 't hit me though he wanted to . He ended by saying that I wasn 't really one of the nice disabled people I was just a bitter fat man that couldn 't walk because of the tonnage I carry . Without much hope I went on the website looking for an accessible apartment . The older we both get , the more we really need a place that we are safe in . I was surprised to find that there was one available , it wasn 't where we were looking , it wasn 't where we had planned to live , but none of that mattered . It was available . We called and set an appointment and Joe went up yesterday to see the place and talk to them about it . He came down in the afternoon and took me up . We 've been here before , looking at accessible apartments and being told that the wait list was very long and , in fact we 've been near 10 years on the wait list in Toronto . I didn 't really want to go because I really didn 't want to get my hopes up . Once there , we were shown around an apartment that was fully accessible and had everything I need to be safe and secure . There are bars where there should be bars , there are ramps where there should be ramps , there are doorways wide enough to accommodate a wheelchair . The poor woman had no idea what the impact of that would be on me . I sat in my chair and I just started to cry . I was sitting in a place that would meet my needs as a wheelchair user . I would no longer feel terror when showering . I would no longer have to be only a semi - participant in cooking , which I love to do . I would be able to use every square foot of the place . They even have a lovely ramp into a back yard . I can go outside ! Shut . Up . Feelings are a weird thing for me . I try to be aware of the feelings of others and sensitive to how my behaviour might affect someone . I don 't always succeed . I don 't always realize the hurt I 've caused until later , sometimes much later . My guess is that most of us are like that . Today I was expecting some bad news . Today I got some bad news . ( Nothing to do with health , people always go there immediately when you 're disabled or fat . ) Now the bad news I got wasn 't as bad as I expected , for which I was grateful , but it was still bad news . It 's like I expected to be punched and kicked but instead got a sound , strong , slap across the face . And right now , right this minute , I 'm not allowing myself to feel badly , or even grieve a bit as a result of getting bad news . I 've got this voice calling me down for having an emotional reaction at all , " It wasn 't like you were punched and kicked like you expected . " " But I was hit , hard , and it hurt . " " It didn 't hurt like it could have hurt , what 's wrong with you ? " Over the last several weeks , my weights have gathered dust . First , I was deathly ill for several days , mostly from an adverse effect of one of the anti - biotics that I was put on , then , immediately upon recovery we were gone on a 17 day road trip . I did exercise during that period , less than I do at home , using some videos and the resistance bands . Let 's not discount the fact that I push myself in my wheelchair very long distances , and much more frequently , than I do at home . So , it 's been a while without weight lifting . This morning I woke up early and the bus was coming 20 minutes later than it normally does , so I had time . I got to the computer , checked emails and stuff and very nearly decided that it would be nice to have another day ' off ' from lifting but , then , I turned my resolve on , and got set up to do my routine . It 's only 35 minutes of 3 reps of 10 lifts of 8 different lifts , I 'm sure there 's a right way to say that , but I don 't know it . In that short time off I found myself really struggling to do what I used to do rather easily . I had to drop down weight for two of the exercises because I simply had lost strength . It was clear which exercises were related to wheelchair pushing and which were not . But , I made it through and then finished up with 45 minutes focusing on the core and on flexibility . Before you took the story to your heart , before you passed it on , did you investigate to see if it was true ? Well I did . and , of course , it 's not true . There is no evidence that this has ever happened . So in the days of alternate facts and wishful truths the narrative about the lives of people with disabilities is taken from us , our voices , our stories , our lives are constantly exploited for the emotional needs of the non - disabled . They like a hankey cruncher , a tissue soaker , a mascara runner , and disabled bodies and disabled stories meet those needs . They need lessons about striving and succeeding against all odds , of course their definition of success and of striving are different than many of us in the disability community , but it matters not , because , of course , we matter not . We don 't even matter much in the story . We are the background , they are the message . The trouble is the actual , real story of Itzak Perlman as a disabled man , a world famous violinist , holds real interest and has within it real messages . Even more problematic is that the real story puts paid to any notion of Perlman as broken . You 'll notice that the story told in the video makes sure you know about his polio , his wheelchair , his crutches and his limp , it has to establish the broken man in order to tell the story , in order to inspire non - disabled to fix their own brokenness . Yeah , a world famous man who has traveled to more places than many of us could even list , if challenged , on a paper unaided by a map , is broken . Yeah a man who makes pots of money is broken . Yeah a man who 's name is synonymous with his craft is broken . But , it begins the story and it plays into the narrative that has been written about us for an audience that doesn 't include us . But back to his real story , take the incident with him arriving at an airport here in Toronto and being treated with disrespect due to his needs as a disabled man and how he dealt with that , for example , tells an important story . But , that 's a story about a disabled person 's encounter with the bigotry and prejudice of the non - disabled . That won 't bring on tears , that will be reacted to with excuses for the behaviour of the airport staff - I know I read the comments . We got off the plane and I told Joe that there was something weird about my footrest . Nothing to do but press on and press on we did , got to the car rental , loaded the chair in and arrived at the hotel . I stayed in the car while Joe checked in and then we went to get some basics for the room . On getting out at the store , my right footrest disintegrated into little bits surrounding the chair . That meant that I had to push around the store holding one leg up while pushing myself . Thank heavens I 'm stronger , I was able to do what needed to be done . At the conference the next day I was alternately pushing myself around with great difficulty , lecturing and calling to find a place to replace the footrest . One of the conference organizers knew someone who knew someone and at the end of the day we were off . The place we went to had one but with a plastic footrest , I 'm too heavy for that so we found another and they had these nice people there who fit us up and charged us just a few bucks . Done . At the hotel there was a long , carpeted ramp , I insisted that I could do it myself , and I could , but it was really hard work . But , that 's why I 've lifted weights and that 's why I 've worked on my skill at pushing . I made it up two and a half times in one day and when I got to my room , I took off my glove to find that I 'd really blistered my right thumb . I was going to have to be careful and yet I had long airport pushes coming up . The morning came and I rolled my thumb a bit when pushing and managed to do okay . Even did the ramp one more time . Joe thought that an ill advised venture , but I get to make those decisions and I made it okay , that reassured me that I 'd manage the airports . Which I did . Done . We get to the car and drive home , Joe and I come up to clear the way of mail and to get me out of the way so he can do what he needs to do . He gets all the luggage up to the apartment and then goes down to park the car . He 's back too quickly . Now he 's telling me that the car won 't start . The rest of the day involves CAA and getting the car to the garage where they will look at it Monday . We 've got the girls coming the next day and need a car . Joe walks over to the rental place and rents a car for a couple days , we rent enough that we have some free day reward coupons so that 's done . But again , we are picturing money flying out the door and into the garage cash register , but I just got a call from Joe , he 's got the girls and they are on the way down . Done . We talked about this , all of this has been dealt with fairly calmly . Joe decided that disability plays a bit of the way that we ' roll ' with things . It 's a life of adaption and problem solving and dealing with the unexpected . It 's almost like you have to either adapt and survive or give in and whither away . Ya just deal . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities . |
Let me say , for the record , and to no one 's surprise , that I don 't like Donald Trump 's policies or politics . I think his manner and his mouth have created an atmosphere that endorses violence and encourages prejudice . There , I 've said it . Let me also say that I don 't care about his hair , his tan , his weight or any other superficial thing about him . I don 't think that any of those things have any place in the debate about his policies . I believe it 's what he does that makes him concerning to people like me - I think calling him names about his supposed ' orangeness ' trivializes the danger he poses and makes arguments against his policies seem secondary to his look and his presence . I 'm only guessing here but I 'd say that less than 10 percent of the posts I read that are anti - Trump speak strictly about his policies and his politics . All the rest have some element that would be classified as ' bully ' commentary about him physically . Everyone seems to be trying to outdo everyone else in regards to put downs about his looks in one way or another . We should be so against bullying and teasing and name calling that we don 't do it , even against those that we don 't like . It 's easy not to bully a friend . It 's a piece of cake not to tease someone you love . The test of our mettle is when it comes to applying the same standard of behaviour to those who we , even violently , oppose . It 's happened many times of course , without me really noticing . But when it happened a few weeks ago , and then again yesterday , I began to think about it , ask questions about it and now want to write about it . The first time it happened Joe and I were having lunch with a couple , and if you knew the history of us all that would have surprised you , who were now ' accepting ' of us as gay people but for years held very negative views of homosexuality in general and us specifically . What brought us together for this meal is too complicated to explain . Over lunch we were told a long , and very detailed , story about them having been out for lunch at another restaurant some time in the recent past . The waiter who was ' obviously gay ' had been rude to them , ' like he thought he was better than them , ' and then it went on to what a snob he was and how poorly he did his job . The ' obviously gay ' remark was thrown in there several times just so we never forgot even for a moment that this guy was a poof . Then the story ended . There was no point except to say that an ' obviously gay ' man had been mean to the poor little straight couple . What did we do ? Due to the politics of the situation , we simply changed the subject and went on . The whole episode bothered me , like something really weird had just happened but I couldn 't figure out quite what it was . Then , yesterday , I had someone I know well tell me a story , in response to the fact that I 'd mentioned I 'm back to using my scooter for short runs while I try to get my power chair fixed , wherein someone in a scooter had nearly run them over . Then once that bit of the story was out , a bit of a diatribe followed , they go too fast these scooter users , they don 't pay attention , they think they own the side walk . Again , I was caught in the politics of the situation , there are times when it simply will cost too much to speak up . I held these two conversations together in my mind and compared and contrasted . Neither of them had a point , they were just recounting negative experiences with marginalized people . In both , the privileged were victims of people who were rude and who demanded space . It seemed to be to be a way to through homophobia and heterosexism or disphobia and ableism into a conversation . It 's a new way to call names and a way to present oneself as a victim of those who should know their place . My power chair has been on the fritz for quite a while now , they are coming to look at it Tuesday , because they won 't take it to fix it until they look at it because our word that it doesn 't need ' looking at ' it needs fixed isn 't good enough , so we 'll have to schedule the pick up after the look at fails . Sorry , I lost control of that sentence . Anyways , I 'm using my old scooter which is definitely showing it 's age . It can 't do more than one or two ramps on a charge and it 's simply failing . It 's somewhere just over 15 years old and never had a batter change . But , it allows me to move around my immediate neighbourhood . We were heading up towards the mall on the north side of the street and I 'd made it across the street but the scooter simply stalled , came to a quick stop , as I was riding up the curb cut . I sat there literally and figuratively powerless . The light changed and a woman walking quickly to catch the light came to a dead stop beside me , the idea of going around me hadn 't occurred to her . Now , I 'm frazzled and upset and feeling powerless , I had no room left for manners . I said , " Yeah , and I did this just to inconvenience you . I 'd planned it for months and it 's worked , I couldn 't be happier . " My face wad deadpan serious . Like I really had planned to pick this woman out of all the people in the world to plot a master plan to be in her way while she walked on the sidewalk . We went into a coffee shop yesterday . I say that but Joe and I had tea and Sadie a hot chocolate so no coffee graced our table . When we went in we saw it was really full of people . I spotted one table free and headed for it . I couldn 't see , because of a post , that it was beside , but not part of , another table . When the other table came into view it was occupied by a young woman and a much older man , with a disability , who , like me , was using a scooter . He , also like me , was pulled up to the side of the table . Once our table was claimed Joe and Sadie went off in search of drinks , tea biscuits and the like . After just a second a harsh glare from the other man with a disability came my way . I suddenly felt that I was intruding , but I was at another table , not connected to his table , and the place was full . He said something to the young woman with him and they simply left . I got the impression that he didn 't want to be at a table with another person with a disability sitting so closely by . It would have been easy to mistake that we were a group . I don 't think , and again , I 'm guessing , that they 'd have left if I had been non - disabled . I run into this sometimes . The prejudice within the disabled community to others with disabilities . The desire to only be surrounded by non - disabled people , as if their value will rub off on you . I felt guilty but only for a second . Why should I care any more about a disabled bigot than a non disabled one ? Now , I don 't know for certain what was going on . But the dirty look he gave me was unmistakable . They were in a coffee shop packed with people , it 's not a place where couples seek private time together . And , it seemed more like a helper / helpee relationship . He was in his late teens , he had been with a group of friends , in the mall . I had turned towards the elevator and in doing so came into their view . They all , to a one , looked over at me . Then , predictably , they started laughing , and glancing over at me . My appearance sometimes doesn 't meet a verbal response , sometimes it 's just glances from me to each other and back . I 've been in this situation before and there are several possible responses , I was tired , I chose the ' go by in dignity ' response , which , by the way , isn 't ' just ignoring it ' . To make it obvious that you have heard and seen the actions of others and to proceed ahead unbowed , unwilling to give them more space , to go bravely by people who have identified themselves as enemy , is action . I waited at the elevator with my back to them . This , for me , is an act of courage . I don 't like having cruel people behind me . I feel really vulnerable . I don 't know when the words will translate into action , for the glances had become words , said loudly , for my benefit . Sometimes elevators run on molasses time and this one when it finally arrived , I felt older . I got on , and turned around , just as the door was closing , a hand shot out to stop it . One of the young men got on the elevator with me . This surprised me and scared me a little . Alone , in a small space with someone who thinks me less than human . I was going to 5 , he to 6 . At 3 , I 'd had enough . Knowing he 'd heard me , I asked an expanded question , " Does it bother you how easy it is for you to be needlessly cruel ? Do you ever worry that as a father you will be abusive , that as a husband you will batter your wife ? Cruelty comes easy to you . Does that bother you ? " " Does it bother you that you define humiliating a stranger as fun ? Does that worry you for who you 'll be in a few years . Will you humiliate you wife ? Will you humiliate your children ? I would think that at your age you 'd be thinking about this ? And so you know , that wasn 't fun for me ? " We came into the lobby and were blown away . It was completely redesigned and really fresh and beautiful . It 's a smaller chain known for room that are reasonably priced and for pretty good service . As we are in our 60s and as we 'd been driving for hours our first request was for directions to the toilets . We were pointed in their general direction . There was a men 's , a women 's , and and all genders toilet , I was initially pleased to see the inclusivity until I noticed that none of them had the disabled symbol on them . I guessed that the all genders toilet would be the one and I guessed right . Now I 'm feeling a little bit bad for feeling a little bit annoyed . Why the loss of the disabled symbol ? Knowing at a glance which washroom I can use is really helpful . Was I being petty ? Was I simply tired and churlish ? I don 't know , but I felt that it was like the hotel saying , ' there 's only so much diversity we can deal with so be grateful for what 's here and hush up . " When I mentioned the bathrooms to the clerk he went on and on about how nice it is to be welcoming to everyone . I pointed out the lack of disabled symbol and the guess I 'd made . It was like talking to someone who cared a lot about what he already thought and didn 't want to think any more thank you . Then , after checking in , I wanted to go into the little shop beside the registration desk to get a snack for the room . It wasn 't wheelchair accessible . They had these poles holding nicely designed curved frosted glass and at the bottom of the pole was a huge round disk . I suppose to others it would look pretty but to me it looked like a significant barrier . I tried and was right , I couldn 't get in . I should have kept count of how many of these I 've written . I didn 't realize upon becoming disabled that I 'd become a prolific writer of letters documenting , to those who think we 'd not notice , prejudice built and bigotry encountered . But they have to know we notice . They have to know . It was a rainy and blustery day in Ocean City and our plans for going out for a walk along the bay or the ocean blew away in the wind . After getting to our room and meeting with organizers , Joe and I went for a tea in the pub . We managed to find a table by the window and sat comfortable and warm and watched the waves crash on the beach and the wind whip throw the palms . It was wild and wonderful and in all ways beautiful . We felt blessed to just be there . Suddenly we were approached by a woman sitting at the table behind us , she assumed great authority and she placed one hand on Joe 's shoulder and one on my wheelchair . She started chatting with us about what we do and why we were at the hotel . Then she turns to me and asked how long I 'd been " differently abled . " My spine stiffened . I 'd never been called that before . I 'd heard it used , of course , but never in direct reference to me . She said that she was trying to be politically correct and asked if she 'd got it right . I told her that she hadn 't got it right that the term was simply " disabled " or , in my case , " wheelchair user " would be fine . She clearly didn 't like either of those words but she accepted that that was my " opinion . " I know that some times I have trouble letting go of things , but the words " differently abled " rang in my ears for hours afterwards . I couldn 't make them fit into any part of my brain , they seemed to mock me with a false sense of acceptance and a large dose of denial . I think that first we euthanize speech , when it comes to disability , and then we move from there . I want to remain spoken . Euphemism and euthanasia both begin with ' eu ' from the Greek for well but the endings mean different things , well said and well dead . Then I began the process of uploading the edited picture to Facebook . As I was doing that I was thinking about my keynote speech tomorrow and about how part of it was how we all need to claim who we are and thereby push shame aside . I looked at the edited picture . I looked at the original picture . I suddenly saw how shame had become an unconscious habit . Shame was just something I did . When I realized that , without even thinking much about it , I had erased a part of who I was , the way I existed in the world , I felt such pain . Why ? Why does shame live when I purposely don 't water it , I don 't set it in the sun , I don 't nourish it . But , then maybe I do . We arrived at a hotel , after two calls to confirm our accessible room , to be given a room that was not accessible . You can picture all that ensues , I just can 't write that story again . We eventually find another hotel , load the car and drive over . We 'd arrived late at the first hotel , after a full days work and a six hour drive , now it was 2 hours later and we were checking in to a different hotel that happened to have an accessible room . That weekend some time I had to write the obligatory letter of complaint , sent to the company as well as the actual hotel where this happened . I tried to explain both the situation and what the situation had meant to me . I received an apology letter that I felt , as I said in my reply , was generic and that , while recognizing the situation , didn 't seem to recognize the effect on me as a disabled traveler . This all ends in a phone call between myself and the manager . We spoke and she said something that really angers me in these situations and I 'd like to hear your opinions on this . She said , " I understand how you feel . " I stated clearly that she could not and did not . In fact I ranted . I 'd had enough of this kind of bullshit approach to empathy . " I 'm tired , " I said " of non - disabled people telling me that they understand how I feel when they simply can 't , they don 't know what it is to be offered a room that you can 't poo in , they don 't know what it 's like to be suddenly , unexpectedly homeless , they don 't know what it is to be on display in a lobby as others check in looking at you with pity and slight superiority because they can sleep in any fucking room in the hotel and you can only use the three or four that were granted you for us , they don 't know what it is to have used up all your energy just getting there and not knowing where to pull more from to try and find another place , drive to another place , hope that the other place got accessibility right , they don 't know that trust from a disabled traveler is different and deeper than it is for a non - disabled traveler , they don 't know that our trust given is absolute and when it 's broken it hurts , they don 't know that disabled travelers move about the world in fear of arrival , in fear that their bodies will make them suddenly , like I was , homeless . You don 't understand . " We hung up from the call each angry at the other . She had to control hers , it was her job to stay cool , and she did . I didn 't have to control mine , except to not personally attack her and to stay focused on what happened and why it was important . But the " I understand . . . " statement pushed a button in me that unleashed a torrent that I couldn 't stop or control . We were wandering through the mall in Salisbury when we came upon an exhibit of artwork done by various companies or artisans all which feature a bra incorporated into the work . You can vote for your favourite if you make a donation to the breast cancer foundation . Of all there I found myself really struck by the one that was made of crayons , with the " Broken crayons still color " tag line . In fact it was that line that stopped me in my tracks , I 'd been pushing hard , not the bras themselves . I didn 't even realize what it was until I 'd stopped and noticed the crayon bra along with all the others on display . There was something really powerful and really healing in those words , something that really touched me . I liked the idea that brokenness , even that which can never be mended , doesn 't end usefulness . I liked the idea that healing isn 't necessary for those who 've been wounded in order for them to move on and still contribute and be of service and of value . I don 't know that I 've ever said out loud how I believe that there are some areas of brokenness that are simply never going to be made right again , but that isn 't where it all ends . It doesn 't end with being broken , or even the sense of being broken , it ends with being broken incorporated into a life anyway . This is my experience . There are parts of me , shattered . There are parts of me forever tender to the touch . There are parts of me that are dealt with only by doing and being anyway - doing damns the darkness . I sat there in my chair reading this message over and over and over again . Simply said . My eyes moved from the words to the bra and I couldn 't help but smile . The audacity of a crayon bra , last years winner in the annual contest , having raised money and consciousness and awareness pleases me . He approached me from the front . I was pushing myself to the rest stop up a slight grade in blistering heat . He drew near , said how hot it was and asked if I wanted a push . I told him that I was good and thanked him for the offer . He smiled and wished me a good day and headed on in ahead of me . I was a few feet behind and Joe joined me from parking the car , the disabled stalls were all full and he 'd had to park a distance away , and we went in . After using the facilities we went to get a bite of lunch , it had been a long time since breakfast and we were both hungry . In the line up , just ahead of us , I ran into the fellow who 'd offered the push who was accompanied by his daughter , a young woman with Down Syndrome . Forgive me but my first thought was that this explained why he was so respectful about offering help and having it refused . Not a lot of people do that with the grace that he did . They stepped aside to let us go ahead because they went back to get something to drink . We were through and seated when they were back in the line up to pay . I noticed that his daughter was ahead of him , holding her lunch tray . When she got to the cashier she pulled out her money and gave it over . Here 's the amazing thing . It 's a small thing . But it 's a huge thing too . During the time she was paying , and accepting the change , and putting it back into her purse , she never looked to him . She didn 't look for approval . She didn 't look in fear of having made a mistake . She didn 't look to him for a cue of any kind . She just did what was needed to be done and then picked up her tray and moved on , going ahead , while he paid , to select a table . In the course of my years of work with people with intellectual disabilities I often see something quite different . I often see people who , being constantly taught and constantly critiqued , often look to parent or support provider for approval or reassurance or in slight fear of having made yet another mistake . She did none of those things . It seemed like she 'd also been taught , because all of us , if we have it , are taught self confidence . I realized then that when he approached me , to offer the push , he was alone . She was not with him . She must have gone ahead , not stapled to his side , and gone in herself to a busy rest stop . He and she were separate and independent people together by relationship and by circumstance rather than by desperate need . I don 't know anything about this man , or this woman , but I do know that both of them respect each other and both of them love each other and both of them are comfortable with their own power . There are lots of amazing parents out there . There are lots of wonderful support staff . The results of their very best work is often in what 's not seen , like the absence of a glance , and small acts of complete confidence . It was already pretty hot when we hit the street yesterday morning . I lamented that I 'd used up a lot of energy just getting to the start point of our trip to the museum where I would lecture . There was a long ramp from the hotel up to the street that requires a sustained and difficult push , I 'd done it twice before , and knew I could , but with my shoulders already burning , I was worried about what was yet to come . Crossed the street once and then again to get on the side of the street without construction and did okay , but just okay because the slant really put pressure on my right arm . Then we hit the bricks . The front wheels rebelled and hung up on nearly every one . It was impossible to push through . Joe offered to push but I didn 't want that . I turned around so that my large back wheels would go over the bricks and used a combination of my arms and one leg to propel me backwards . It worked , I had to change which leg I used a couple of times , but I made progress . I write this so far as if I was alone on that sidewalk . I wasn 't . There were lots of people walking , in both directions , all in a hurry to get to where they were going . The sidewalks aren 't wide and there were the occasional bottlenecks as people going one way and people going another had to figure out how to both get around me . Joe , the explorer , mapped it out . I 'm lecturing this morning in a museum just down the road from our hotel . Then in the afternoon , I cross the street and come back a bit to the offices where I 'll be presenting for the rest of the day . I have decided that I 'm going to push there and back . So , notes in my wheelchair bag , Joe beside me , we are heading out on this adventure . I hope I have enough breath to make it through the day . I hope I have the strength to make it there and back . Yoda said , ' try not , do or do not , there is no try ' . . . um . . . I call intergalactic crap to that nonsense , of course there 's try . I try until I do . Or , of course , do not . And Nike , you never ' just do it ' . Please , sometimes fit people think that achieving something happens by a magical act of willing and doing . Let me make this clear if I do it , there 's no ' just ' about it . Yesterday when we arrived at the hotel , the weather was sunny and the air was warm . We got into our room and I suggested that we go down to the outdoor cafe that 's attached to the hotel . We could sit there , have a tea , and enjoy just being out of doors . When you are on a lecture tour it 's mostly indoors , hotels , conference centres and then sitting in a car driving to the next destination . It had rained a lot over the weekend so even those days were spent in malls and movie theatres . Even with all the variety of all these places , the feel of processed air pressing against skin reminds me of those that lived , without breeze , in large facilities , captured for the crime of difference . But , I shake that away , I can 't bear it . We went downstairs and found that there was a long ramp up to the exit which was closest to the outside cafe . I managed it , my muscles worked hard , but I managed it . And I managed a push over uneven pavement to the cafe . I found a table that I could easily pull into and felt quite comfortable . My comfort came from the fact that my back was to the busy street , I looked into a quiet street , under construction . There was no one there to look back at me . I rested there , feeling safe . No eyes to judge me , no comments to be made by passers by . But then , without thinking about it , I turned my chair and went to another table , this time I faced out at all those coming and going on the busy street . I was fully in their view and they in mine . Joe returned , a tea in each hand , and noticed the change of table . I told him that it was a bit boring looking into the empty road . People came and went , doing what city people do , and we sat feeling the late sun , the warm air and the freshness of being outside . We chatted about the day passed and the day upcoming . We talked about our upcoming move . We marvelled at people jaywalking the street with their phones in their hands and their eyes on the screen . Oh to have so much luck that you can rely on it . We don 't and haven 't we decided . But nothing happened . I was left alone to just be a patron sitting outside on a lovely day . I realized that sometimes maybe I 'm turning my back on a world in anticipation of hurt , maybe I give up too much because of that . But enough . I had a lovely time and part of that was simply because I was left alone to do so . It doesn 't happen often and I should just leave it alone and enjoy it . I received some feedback about a presentation I did a little while back where I was accused of fat - shaming myself . I read that comment over and over again . I am not ashamed of who I am . I am publicly out as a fat person . I decry the behaviour of those who act out of a ' right to cruelty ' sense of thin superiority . All of these things jumped about in my head when I read this . I thought back to the presentation and can remember making only two comments about my weight , neither of them suggesting that there was anything wrong or disgusting with me or my body . I 'm not sure who made the comment or what it was that they heard . But I had to think about what they said . I came to the decision that I 'm not going back into the closet about my weight or about my existence as a fat man in a hostile world . It 's part of my personal narrative and it 's well within my rights to talk about it . Mentioning the fact that I am fat is not ' fat shaming ' . Talking about my experiences as a fat person is not ' fat shaming . ' Joking about my weight is not ' fat shaming ' if those jokes are about people 's response to me being fat or my experience of being fat , I avoid joking about any experience where fat is attached to a moral value . It is not uncommon for people to tell me , in comments after a lecture , that I shouldn 't mention my weight . It 's like just the fact that I say out loud who I am , conjures up all the bad things they think about fat people so therefore I should be silent . I won 't . Joe and I had to go to a particular store in a particular mall nearby today . There was something we wanted to pick up for a gift . We arrived , rode the elevator up to the second floor and I pushed out . We headed the way the map told us to go and soon saw the store ahead of us . It was faint at first but I was sure that I was hearing violin music being played . It didn 't sound like a recording , it sounded live . A few feet further ahead I was able to look through glass barriers that allowed those on the second floor to look down through open space , to the first floor . Standing alone on a small stage was a young woman who was playing her violin with unfeigned passion . The music was stunning . Joe , the classical music buff , was able to identify everything she played , I just thought it was pretty and soothing and sometimes oddly compelling . I looked up from the music and saw people rushing around , families with kids , husbands and wives , teens out with friends . They all made their own kind of noise . It didn 't take away from the music . It was like this pure sound was pushing aside the quiet din and making space for itself . Suddenly I got teary . I thought of the woman who 'd checked me into the Marriott hotel in Bridgewater , New Jersey only a few days before . The lobby had been quiet but the bar was busy and there was a lot of noise , and laughter , and one slightly hot debate . Joe stood next to me as I checked in and then suddenly another sound cut through the din , just like this music had , it was the sound of respect . The clerk spoke to me about my room , she talked to me about the services of the hotel , right there with Joe beside me , standing , at her height , and she was looking down at me , it 's just that she wasn 't looking down on me . Throughout her information giving chat , she glanced at Joe to include him , she was welcoming to both , but it had been a reservation in my name and my credit card was used , I was her customer . There on the second floor of the mall , we listened to this young woman play . It was as if the music conjured up this image in my mind to combat my experience of being ' othered ' during my push to the store . People staring and pointing at me , making me feel like I was there for their amusement and to give them something to talk and laugh about . I pushed , hard , towards my destination to get out of there as quickly as possible . That stuff became just noise . That stuff just didn 't matter because it wasn 't , like the music was , beautiful . It was just there . It was just noise . The sound from the stage pulled me to a stop in a place where I didn 't feel safe . It wrapped around me , and then , there was just the music and me and the pictures the music made in my head . When the clerk finished checking me in I thanked her and told her exactly what she had done that I found so refreshing , she treated me as a valued customer . Me . In my body , in my chair , I 'm used to noise . Lots of noise . But her tone and her manner cut through all that and reminded me of what respect sounds like in my ear . In my tradition , we never talked about her . Mary , the mother of Jesus , was given over to the Catholics and we made do with the rest of the family . It was like the leaders of my denomination simply didn 't know what to do with her , how to fit her comfortably into a narrative , because of course , she doesn 't fit easily into the picture of motherhood created in the minds of many . But , there was something about that particular Mary that I found hopeful as a child . I saw her as a mother who loved her kid , with determination and with passion , knowing he was different . He took off on her , as children do , and she had to search to find him . He argued with teachers and debated those who he was supposed to simply bow down to . He couldn 't have been an easy child , today they would put him on medication , to calm down his innate sense of revolution . But she loved her son anyway . Even to his death , she followed him . She must have seen it coming , and she didn 't turn her back on him , didn 't disavow him , he was hers and she loved him . This is easy to understand from a distance but on the ground , when it was all happening , I 'm not so sure it was easy . She , to me , is a role model . To me she challenges , even today , parents to love the kid they 've got . To never turn away from your child even when the world has . Steadfastness in the belief that family matters , that your child 's difference is simply your child 's difference , no matter whether that difference is celebrated or reviled . I remember the very first time I saw a woman with a sign , in a protest march , that read , " I love my gay son . " I wept . I cried for blocks as we marched through a crowd that threw things at us , rocks , garbage , anything they could find on the street . She loved her son anyway . It was possible for the human heart to love anyway . I remember seeing a woman , standing up in a meeting , and demanding that her son with an intellectual disability be given a shot at a future , at an education , at a chance to be amongst rather than set apart . She spoke of his difference . She spoke of her pride in him , anyway . It was possible for a parent 's heart to feel pride anyway . I remember a woman with a physical and intellectual disability showing me a picture of her daughter , a daughter she raised at home , a single mother . Her daughter did not have her disabilities , and her disabilities made some aspect of motherhood more difficult , but she loved being a mom . It was possible for all hearts to love kids , to want the best for them , and to work around the barriers in the way , because there are always barriers . When I was a little boy , just coming to terms with my difference . I knew I liked boys . It was a time of silence regarding who and what I was , I had a picture of Mary , and I imagined she knew of my difference and she knew of my secret , and I imagined she loved me anyway . It gave me comfort . Years later and only days ago , my Mom said that she wished Joe and I could be with her and my brother and his wife for Mother 's Day . I hung up and asked Joe if he heard my mother 's words . They may have sounded like an invitation to a brunch , but what they said was . . . There was noise at the door . I had been sitting having my breakfast with my back to the door . The view was lovely , spring greens abounded , and behind me work waited . At first I thought that the sound was just people coming into and leaving the breakfast room . But it grew and I turned to see the elderly lady from yesterday 's post , sitting in her transfer chair , with the woman pushing her attempting to get her in through the door . The issue was the sill . I had noticed it coming in . It was raised to wheel stopping high , it had sharp edges which were not designed to be rolled over . I 've encountered these enough now as a self propelled wheelchair user to know exactly how to manage them . I need to lean back , lift the front wheels and push . It 's not an easy move to manage , but I do . Frustration was growing on the face of the woman pushing the chair , she was fair slamming the chair into the sill . I could see that there were people behind her wanting in and people in wanting out and she just wanted to get in and get out of the way . But the woman in the chair was holding on to the arms of the chair , tightly , frightened she 'd be thrown off . Then two of the men waiting to get decided to help so they came forward , looking for and getting permission from the woman pushing the chair to grab hold of the arms at the front of the chair with the idea adding strength to pull her in . They leaned down into her space , each of them touching her leg on either side . On the first slam , all they did was add strength to the process and the woman let go a frightened shriek . I called over to them to be careful and then shouted , " Tilt ! ! " The message was received and the chair rose over the sill and they came into the room . Everyone congratulated each other for and this is a direct quote , " getting the chair in . " Sometimes , and this worries me , I can go days without seeing another wheelchair user . On the road , as I am now , we travel from place to place stopping along the way to eat , to do the opposite of eat , to just take a break . Often we will do this at malls or restaurants , places where I 'm fairly guaranteed access to a toilet . The disabled stalls will be full but inside everyone is walking , I 'm aware that many have invisible disabilities and my kinship to them as a member of the disability community is likewise invisible , but that leaves me , pushing hard down hallways and waiting for the accessible stall , feeling quite alone . And then it come , the weight of being the only one . I am sure I am not the only person who has ever felt this . The same is true of most hotels I stay in , most of the lectures I give , most of the people I meet from day to day . I am sitting , they are not . I am rolling , they are not . I am requesting space , they are not . There are times when I completely disidentify with the people around me . I know that I fall into the ' category ' of being a person but it doesn 't feel like that . It just feels lonely . Yesterday I rolled into a pub and there was an older woman sitting in a transport wheelchair , she was slowly eating her dinner . By the setting next to her and the partially eaten plate of food I assume that the person she was with was up and doing something . My pathway through the crowd had me going just behind her chair . I said to her , " Sometimes it 's just nice to see another person in a chair . " Her hand reached out and touched my shoulder , she said , " I know . " Yesterday , when in the lobby of the hotel that the lecture was in , I asked for directions to the meeting place . It was a reasonable thing to do , a big hotel , lots of corridors , and a history of choosing the wrong one . I asked a woman who I was pretty sure would know and she happily pointed the way to me , and yep , I would have gone the wrong way . Then she asked me if I was attending the meeting and I told her I was the presenter at the meeting . She said , ' Oh , with great surprise , and then ' Really ' with either astonishment or disbelief . The constant experience of ' lessness ' in expectations , in possibility and in human status is wearing . I joked back when I didn 't get it about how I liked to jump over low expectations . Now , living with them for so many years , I know that it 's not about leaping over them , it 's about carrying them . The experience of looking out the window and seeing a lowered horizon cannot be easily described . It happened yesterday but started several weeks ago . Joe is having increasing problems with his shoulder . He has an appointment for this to be looked into , but for now , while waiting we 're careful . We 've agreed that for this trip , I will lift and load the luggage like he typically does . I was a little concerned because he 's really good at it and often scoffs at porters at hotels who ' don 't know their way around a piece of luggage ' and Joe often says scornfully . He sets a high standard . So we arrived at the hotel and after rushing in to pee , that 's part of being our age , and then registering , we came back out to the car . Joe was getting things from inside the car , some shopping that we 'd picked up and our coats . I rolled the chair up to the trunk , opened the footrests and got up . I had the cart set right behind the car so I could lift and pull and load in a kind on single movement . I can do this without walking much , and it only depends on my keeping balance , which was helped by my placing my hip against the car . So , the luggage was neatly loaded . I got back into my chair . I was puffed out a bit because thought I 'm doing exercises to be stronger they sometimes don 't seem to be exercising the muscles needed for day to day stuff . I notice a couple , then while seating , who were in the parking lot and staring at me with real judgement in their faces . I thought they should see a disabled man doing all that he could with what he had . They didn 't see that . I would soon find out what they saw and what they thought about it . We disabled people often get the benefit of people sharing with us . I pushed back into the hotel , which was up a long slope , a gentle rise , and then a steeper ramp that lead to the entrance of the building . I was in . Joe was in and pushing the cart . He took the first elevator , I waited for the second , and that 's when they struck . The both castigated me for perpetrating a fraud to get better parking and misuse a parking permit . I was clearly not disabled and the wheelchair must be for show . I sat and looked at them . I was tired from the trip . When they were done I asked if either were doctors or had medical training about disabilities . They said no . I then told them that they were fraudulently representing themselves as people who could make any kind of sound judgement about disability or disabled people . And , as they 'd already used the word , they could fuck off . He he was , slowly , cutting a piece of his pizza . It was clear that while he would be unable to eat it by picking it up with his hands , he would be able to do so by cutting it up into pieces and spearing those pieces with his fork and then taking the food to his mouth . He was with a staff who had turned her back to him to text a message or otherwise use her cell phone , her thumbs flew as she did what she did . She then turned to see that he had started his meal and a look of , this is hard to believe , annoyance crossed her face . " I told you to just wait a moment . " she said . I couldn 't hear his answer as he spoke very softly . " Well , never mind , " she said and took the knife and fork from him against his small protest , and began to cut up his food . " Don 't fuss , " she said , " This will make it much easier for you to get at the pizza faster . " Then she laughed . He didn 't . He looked deflated . When a piece of pizza went astray , he picked his napkin up to wipe his mouth . She saw this and took it from him , she didn 't say anything this time , and neither did he , but he hung on to the napkin and it ripped . She grabbed another one and went for his mouth . She had a firm , ' I 'm helping you ' look on her face . Again he looked defeated . I have no doubt that the staff was trying her best to do her best . I have no doubt that her intention was to give to him what he needed . The only problem is it was she thought he needed . In a brief email exchange yesterday with someone we were talking about this and I stated that the goal in service was to " respect the disability while not disrespecting the ability . " I worked very hard to learn how to get out the door of my apartment building without assistance . It takes both strength and skill , I 'm proud that I don 't need anyone 's help with this . I also know that I need to keep doing it to be able to keep doing it . When away for a week or two working , I always have to try a couple of times to get it right . It really is a case of practice makes perfect . My big problem is that people always want to help me . Yesterday when I was waiting for Joe to come with the car the lobby had 4 people in it . I saw Joe pull up and headed for the door , 4 people saw this and they all began to stand up . I said , " The best way to help me is to not help me . " Three sat done and one kept coming . " I need to do this to be able to do this , " I said insistently and the helper reluctantly returned to his seat . I 'd been to this church before , for Ruby 's First Communion , and their attempt at accessibility , which looked wonderful , didn 't really work . they have cut out a space between pews so you can roll up and be right within the congregation . That 's awesome . But then , they stand a lot , so I was suddenly sitting , entirely alone , in a sea of bums and crotches . I saw nothing . Joe and I talked on the way up and I said that I 'd sit behind the last pew , he 'd sit in the pew in front of me . I 'd be able to see down the aisle and , this time , I 'd see the ceremony up front . Sadie was so excited and nervous . She 'd been told she 'd be the first called up and that thrilled and frightened her . I was in place I could see everything . And then . A fellow arrives late and comes and sits in a pew four in front of ours . When everyone stands , he steps out into the aisle , directly in front of me , and rocks , sideways . Then when it 's time to sit , he steps back into the row and sits down on the pew . I couldn 't see past him . It was getting closer in the service to where Sadie would be going up , I really wanted to see . I edged my wheelchair a bit further over so I 'd be able to lean and see . At this point it never crossed my mind to think of the fellow blocking my view as anything more or less than someone blocking my view . I never thought of him as someone who needed that space and who had a right to that space and who had a right to have his right respected . I was thinking in ways about him that really upset me when done to me . I know better than that . I should have learned from that . It shouldn 't have taken 15 minutes of being bothered by him before I understood that he and I both had a legitimate need for space and that I had to accommodate him in the same way that people accommodate me . The movie started at 10 : 40 so I arranged for WheelTrans to get us there at 9 : 00 . That would give me time to do some laps of the mall , at that time in the morning there are few people there and I can get a good speed up . This particular mall run also includes two ramps up on the run and one large ramp down . Getting over to the place where I run requires going done one long ramp and up another long ramp . It 's fun because I let myself fly down one and then the speed takes me about half way up the other , the last half I do by grabbing the handrails on either side and pulling myself up . I enjoy that . This particular day involves three ramp stories , all of which I want to remember , so I 'm putting them here for me , and you can read along if you choose . We arrived in the bus to find that there is construction going on at the mall and the bus had to drop us a fair way from the entrance . The driver offered to push me to the building and up the ramp and was relieved , I think , when I told her that I didn 't need assistance . I am very big , she was not . It continually pleases me that my strength is such that I can push , even on sidewalks , enough to be pretty independent , even though I haven 't conquered long sidewalk treks . I got into the building and rolled over to ' the ramp . ' It 's a long , steep , ramp that I 've only managed once . That time I rolled close to the handrail and used both the handrail to pull myself and my arms to push myself . It was really hard , but I made it . I tried to go handrail free a couple of times and made it barely a quarter the way up before letting myself roll back . My arms were already tired because I 'd done my weights earlier in the morning but I thought to myself , the point of weight is strength and I wanted to test it yet again against , ' the ramp ' the only one I couldn 't do in the whole mall . I positioned myself in the middle of the ramp , such that I couldn 't reach the rail , I wanted to do this just using my pushing strength . I imagined myself making it , a strangely successful cognitive procedure for me , and then started . The urge to stop , to roll back , was almost harder to push back than it was to push forward . By midway my muscles were screaming , but then determination set it and I inched my way up . My front wheels went over the top and then , I stopped , I 'd used everything . I took seven breaths , like I do when I have to stop doing my shoulder presses because of fatigue and then gave a final push . I 'd made it . I was jubilant . That stands as the biggest victory I 've had in a while . Then it was off to do the run . I pushed over to the elevators and Joe and I chatted about beating ' the ramp ' and finally we were at the two long ones . It was early so I didn 't have to wait . I positioned myself , I do this with care because I fly down that ramp and I depend on the speed to assist me with the ridiculously long ramp on the other side . Down I went , it 's hard not to yell out in glee because it is exhilarating . I hit the start of the ramp up and made it a good distance , I then grabbed the rails and began pulling myself up . This is actually fairly easy , but I know it look impressive . It was here , doing this , that I 'd figured out the difference between watching and staring . People tend to stop and look at my arm , chair and the pull , the mechanics of getting up the ramp . I don 't mind it here , I don 't like being watched get into or out of a car because that seems much more private to me . I 'm a man of contradictions , and I 've learned , that 's allowed . I 'd only managed two pushes around this particular track before but I was moving on to my fourth when I decided to change the pathway . I usually just go around the track , up a ramp , round to the long stretch , down the big ramp and then round the bottom and up a short but steep ramp that takes a lot of energy and then a short push to the start and do it over . There is a ramp I 'd never tried , in the middle of the mall which I decided to try . Never done it before . It 's located , I 'd not noticed before , right beside a Tim 's coffee shop . I got to the bottom of it , positioned myself off to the side leaving lots of room for walkers to get by . I then noticed that the ramp didn 't have those little ridges that all the other ramps have . The help me mark my way up and they help with stopping the chair sliding backwards . Okay , I knew I 'd need to focus on keeping a constant forward movement . I was on my fourth lap , when I 'd never done more than 2 , I 'd already done a lot of ramps , and my shoulders and arms were tired , my back was wet with sweat , but what the hell . Pushing was hard , but I knew immediately I had it in me . Slowly and with constant motion , which can be hard to manage when you have to let go of the wheels , on a slope and grab them quickly again to push forward . Just before the top I glanced over to see that I had the whole of Tim Hortons watching me push my way up . The saw me see them and I got probably thirty thumbs up . When I made the top , I heard a cheer rise from the store . I decided , and this isn 't typical of me , not to think about it in any other way than enthusiasm and encouragement and then I finished the fourth lap . " You 're an odd one aren 't you ? " he said to me after he offered me help , which I refused , to get up and out of my chair to transfer to the car . Now nevermind that I consider that a really intimate service , which I need from time to time when my disability acts up , I think it 's presumptuous to suggest that I wouldn 't have those bases covered . I mean , I didn 't become disabled seconds before and find myself in needing of a help that wasn 't available . I was curious as to how he considered me odd . So , I asked , " In what way am I odd . " " I think it 's odd that you think its odd for a member of a minority group to be an individual person and react in individual ways to situations . I think it 's odd that you comfortably carry around a pathetic stereotype of disabled people and of yourself as the kind saviour . I think it 's odd that you would ask a stranger , who is with another person , to let you touch them . " That last comment was one that I maybe should have reconsidered more carefully but when my dander is up it 's up . He became extremely angry and abusive , he didn 't hit me though he wanted to . He ended by saying that I wasn 't really one of the nice disabled people I was just a bitter fat man that couldn 't walk because of the tonnage I carry . Without much hope I went on the website looking for an accessible apartment . The older we both get , the more we really need a place that we are safe in . I was surprised to find that there was one available , it wasn 't where we were looking , it wasn 't where we had planned to live , but none of that mattered . It was available . We called and set an appointment and Joe went up yesterday to see the place and talk to them about it . He came down in the afternoon and took me up . We 've been here before , looking at accessible apartments and being told that the wait list was very long and , in fact we 've been near 10 years on the wait list in Toronto . I didn 't really want to go because I really didn 't want to get my hopes up . Once there , we were shown around an apartment that was fully accessible and had everything I need to be safe and secure . There are bars where there should be bars , there are ramps where there should be ramps , there are doorways wide enough to accommodate a wheelchair . The poor woman had no idea what the impact of that would be on me . I sat in my chair and I just started to cry . I was sitting in a place that would meet my needs as a wheelchair user . I would no longer feel terror when showering . I would no longer have to be only a semi - participant in cooking , which I love to do . I would be able to use every square foot of the place . They even have a lovely ramp into a back yard . I can go outside ! Shut . Up . Feelings are a weird thing for me . I try to be aware of the feelings of others and sensitive to how my behaviour might affect someone . I don 't always succeed . I don 't always realize the hurt I 've caused until later , sometimes much later . My guess is that most of us are like that . Today I was expecting some bad news . Today I got some bad news . ( Nothing to do with health , people always go there immediately when you 're disabled or fat . ) Now the bad news I got wasn 't as bad as I expected , for which I was grateful , but it was still bad news . It 's like I expected to be punched and kicked but instead got a sound , strong , slap across the face . And right now , right this minute , I 'm not allowing myself to feel badly , or even grieve a bit as a result of getting bad news . I 've got this voice calling me down for having an emotional reaction at all , " It wasn 't like you were punched and kicked like you expected . " " But I was hit , hard , and it hurt . " " It didn 't hurt like it could have hurt , what 's wrong with you ? " Over the last several weeks , my weights have gathered dust . First , I was deathly ill for several days , mostly from an adverse effect of one of the anti - biotics that I was put on , then , immediately upon recovery we were gone on a 17 day road trip . I did exercise during that period , less than I do at home , using some videos and the resistance bands . Let 's not discount the fact that I push myself in my wheelchair very long distances , and much more frequently , than I do at home . So , it 's been a while without weight lifting . This morning I woke up early and the bus was coming 20 minutes later than it normally does , so I had time . I got to the computer , checked emails and stuff and very nearly decided that it would be nice to have another day ' off ' from lifting but , then , I turned my resolve on , and got set up to do my routine . It 's only 35 minutes of 3 reps of 10 lifts of 8 different lifts , I 'm sure there 's a right way to say that , but I don 't know it . In that short time off I found myself really struggling to do what I used to do rather easily . I had to drop down weight for two of the exercises because I simply had lost strength . It was clear which exercises were related to wheelchair pushing and which were not . But , I made it through and then finished up with 45 minutes focusing on the core and on flexibility . Before you took the story to your heart , before you passed it on , did you investigate to see if it was true ? Well I did . and , of course , it 's not true . There is no evidence that this has ever happened . So in the days of alternate facts and wishful truths the narrative about the lives of people with disabilities is taken from us , our voices , our stories , our lives are constantly exploited for the emotional needs of the non - disabled . They like a hankey cruncher , a tissue soaker , a mascara runner , and disabled bodies and disabled stories meet those needs . They need lessons about striving and succeeding against all odds , of course their definition of success and of striving are different than many of us in the disability community , but it matters not , because , of course , we matter not . We don 't even matter much in the story . We are the background , they are the message . The trouble is the actual , real story of Itzak Perlman as a disabled man , a world famous violinist , holds real interest and has within it real messages . Even more problematic is that the real story puts paid to any notion of Perlman as broken . You 'll notice that the story told in the video makes sure you know about his polio , his wheelchair , his crutches and his limp , it has to establish the broken man in order to tell the story , in order to inspire non - disabled to fix their own brokenness . Yeah , a world famous man who has traveled to more places than many of us could even list , if challenged , on a paper unaided by a map , is broken . Yeah a man who makes pots of money is broken . Yeah a man who 's name is synonymous with his craft is broken . But , it begins the story and it plays into the narrative that has been written about us for an audience that doesn 't include us . But back to his real story , take the incident with him arriving at an airport here in Toronto and being treated with disrespect due to his needs as a disabled man and how he dealt with that , for example , tells an important story . But , that 's a story about a disabled person 's encounter with the bigotry and prejudice of the non - disabled . That won 't bring on tears , that will be reacted to with excuses for the behaviour of the airport staff - I know I read the comments . We got off the plane and I told Joe that there was something weird about my footrest . Nothing to do but press on and press on we did , got to the car rental , loaded the chair in and arrived at the hotel . I stayed in the car while Joe checked in and then we went to get some basics for the room . On getting out at the store , my right footrest disintegrated into little bits surrounding the chair . That meant that I had to push around the store holding one leg up while pushing myself . Thank heavens I 'm stronger , I was able to do what needed to be done . At the conference the next day I was alternately pushing myself around with great difficulty , lecturing and calling to find a place to replace the footrest . One of the conference organizers knew someone who knew someone and at the end of the day we were off . The place we went to had one but with a plastic footrest , I 'm too heavy for that so we found another and they had these nice people there who fit us up and charged us just a few bucks . Done . At the hotel there was a long , carpeted ramp , I insisted that I could do it myself , and I could , but it was really hard work . But , that 's why I 've lifted weights and that 's why I 've worked on my skill at pushing . I made it up two and a half times in one day and when I got to my room , I took off my glove to find that I 'd really blistered my right thumb . I was going to have to be careful and yet I had long airport pushes coming up . The morning came and I rolled my thumb a bit when pushing and managed to do okay . Even did the ramp one more time . Joe thought that an ill advised venture , but I get to make those decisions and I made it okay , that reassured me that I 'd manage the airports . Which I did . Done . We get to the car and drive home , Joe and I come up to clear the way of mail and to get me out of the way so he can do what he needs to do . He gets all the luggage up to the apartment and then goes down to park the car . He 's back too quickly . Now he 's telling me that the car won 't start . The rest of the day involves CAA and getting the car to the garage where they will look at it Monday . We 've got the girls coming the next day and need a car . Joe walks over to the rental place and rents a car for a couple days , we rent enough that we have some free day reward coupons so that 's done . But again , we are picturing money flying out the door and into the garage cash register , but I just got a call from Joe , he 's got the girls and they are on the way down . Done . We talked about this , all of this has been dealt with fairly calmly . Joe decided that disability plays a bit of the way that we ' roll ' with things . It 's a life of adaption and problem solving and dealing with the unexpected . It 's almost like you have to either adapt and survive or give in and whither away . Ya just deal . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities . |
Let me say , for the record , and to no one 's surprise , that I don 't like Donald Trump 's policies or politics . I think his manner and his mouth have created an atmosphere that endorses violence and encourages prejudice . There , I 've said it . Let me also say that I don 't care about his hair , his tan , his weight or any other superficial thing about him . I don 't think that any of those things have any place in the debate about his policies . I believe it 's what he does that makes him concerning to people like me - I think calling him names about his supposed ' orangeness ' trivializes the danger he poses and makes arguments against his policies seem secondary to his look and his presence . I 'm only guessing here but I 'd say that less than 10 percent of the posts I read that are anti - Trump speak strictly about his policies and his politics . All the rest have some element that would be classified as ' bully ' commentary about him physically . Everyone seems to be trying to outdo everyone else in regards to put downs about his looks in one way or another . We should be so against bullying and teasing and name calling that we don 't do it , even against those that we don 't like . It 's easy not to bully a friend . It 's a piece of cake not to tease someone you love . The test of our mettle is when it comes to applying the same standard of behaviour to those who we , even violently , oppose . It 's happened many times of course , without me really noticing . But when it happened a few weeks ago , and then again yesterday , I began to think about it , ask questions about it and now want to write about it . The first time it happened Joe and I were having lunch with a couple , and if you knew the history of us all that would have surprised you , who were now ' accepting ' of us as gay people but for years held very negative views of homosexuality in general and us specifically . What brought us together for this meal is too complicated to explain . Over lunch we were told a long , and very detailed , story about them having been out for lunch at another restaurant some time in the recent past . The waiter who was ' obviously gay ' had been rude to them , ' like he thought he was better than them , ' and then it went on to what a snob he was and how poorly he did his job . The ' obviously gay ' remark was thrown in there several times just so we never forgot even for a moment that this guy was a poof . Then the story ended . There was no point except to say that an ' obviously gay ' man had been mean to the poor little straight couple . What did we do ? Due to the politics of the situation , we simply changed the subject and went on . The whole episode bothered me , like something really weird had just happened but I couldn 't figure out quite what it was . Then , yesterday , I had someone I know well tell me a story , in response to the fact that I 'd mentioned I 'm back to using my scooter for short runs while I try to get my power chair fixed , wherein someone in a scooter had nearly run them over . Then once that bit of the story was out , a bit of a diatribe followed , they go too fast these scooter users , they don 't pay attention , they think they own the side walk . Again , I was caught in the politics of the situation , there are times when it simply will cost too much to speak up . I held these two conversations together in my mind and compared and contrasted . Neither of them had a point , they were just recounting negative experiences with marginalized people . In both , the privileged were victims of people who were rude and who demanded space . It seemed to be to be a way to through homophobia and heterosexism or disphobia and ableism into a conversation . It 's a new way to call names and a way to present oneself as a victim of those who should know their place . My power chair has been on the fritz for quite a while now , they are coming to look at it Tuesday , because they won 't take it to fix it until they look at it because our word that it doesn 't need ' looking at ' it needs fixed isn 't good enough , so we 'll have to schedule the pick up after the look at fails . Sorry , I lost control of that sentence . Anyways , I 'm using my old scooter which is definitely showing it 's age . It can 't do more than one or two ramps on a charge and it 's simply failing . It 's somewhere just over 15 years old and never had a batter change . But , it allows me to move around my immediate neighbourhood . We were heading up towards the mall on the north side of the street and I 'd made it across the street but the scooter simply stalled , came to a quick stop , as I was riding up the curb cut . I sat there literally and figuratively powerless . The light changed and a woman walking quickly to catch the light came to a dead stop beside me , the idea of going around me hadn 't occurred to her . Now , I 'm frazzled and upset and feeling powerless , I had no room left for manners . I said , " Yeah , and I did this just to inconvenience you . I 'd planned it for months and it 's worked , I couldn 't be happier . " My face wad deadpan serious . Like I really had planned to pick this woman out of all the people in the world to plot a master plan to be in her way while she walked on the sidewalk . We went into a coffee shop yesterday . I say that but Joe and I had tea and Sadie a hot chocolate so no coffee graced our table . When we went in we saw it was really full of people . I spotted one table free and headed for it . I couldn 't see , because of a post , that it was beside , but not part of , another table . When the other table came into view it was occupied by a young woman and a much older man , with a disability , who , like me , was using a scooter . He , also like me , was pulled up to the side of the table . Once our table was claimed Joe and Sadie went off in search of drinks , tea biscuits and the like . After just a second a harsh glare from the other man with a disability came my way . I suddenly felt that I was intruding , but I was at another table , not connected to his table , and the place was full . He said something to the young woman with him and they simply left . I got the impression that he didn 't want to be at a table with another person with a disability sitting so closely by . It would have been easy to mistake that we were a group . I don 't think , and again , I 'm guessing , that they 'd have left if I had been non - disabled . I run into this sometimes . The prejudice within the disabled community to others with disabilities . The desire to only be surrounded by non - disabled people , as if their value will rub off on you . I felt guilty but only for a second . Why should I care any more about a disabled bigot than a non disabled one ? Now , I don 't know for certain what was going on . But the dirty look he gave me was unmistakable . They were in a coffee shop packed with people , it 's not a place where couples seek private time together . And , it seemed more like a helper / helpee relationship . He was in his late teens , he had been with a group of friends , in the mall . I had turned towards the elevator and in doing so came into their view . They all , to a one , looked over at me . Then , predictably , they started laughing , and glancing over at me . My appearance sometimes doesn 't meet a verbal response , sometimes it 's just glances from me to each other and back . I 've been in this situation before and there are several possible responses , I was tired , I chose the ' go by in dignity ' response , which , by the way , isn 't ' just ignoring it ' . To make it obvious that you have heard and seen the actions of others and to proceed ahead unbowed , unwilling to give them more space , to go bravely by people who have identified themselves as enemy , is action . I waited at the elevator with my back to them . This , for me , is an act of courage . I don 't like having cruel people behind me . I feel really vulnerable . I don 't know when the words will translate into action , for the glances had become words , said loudly , for my benefit . Sometimes elevators run on molasses time and this one when it finally arrived , I felt older . I got on , and turned around , just as the door was closing , a hand shot out to stop it . One of the young men got on the elevator with me . This surprised me and scared me a little . Alone , in a small space with someone who thinks me less than human . I was going to 5 , he to 6 . At 3 , I 'd had enough . Knowing he 'd heard me , I asked an expanded question , " Does it bother you how easy it is for you to be needlessly cruel ? Do you ever worry that as a father you will be abusive , that as a husband you will batter your wife ? Cruelty comes easy to you . Does that bother you ? " " Does it bother you that you define humiliating a stranger as fun ? Does that worry you for who you 'll be in a few years . Will you humiliate you wife ? Will you humiliate your children ? I would think that at your age you 'd be thinking about this ? And so you know , that wasn 't fun for me ? " We came into the lobby and were blown away . It was completely redesigned and really fresh and beautiful . It 's a smaller chain known for room that are reasonably priced and for pretty good service . As we are in our 60s and as we 'd been driving for hours our first request was for directions to the toilets . We were pointed in their general direction . There was a men 's , a women 's , and and all genders toilet , I was initially pleased to see the inclusivity until I noticed that none of them had the disabled symbol on them . I guessed that the all genders toilet would be the one and I guessed right . Now I 'm feeling a little bit bad for feeling a little bit annoyed . Why the loss of the disabled symbol ? Knowing at a glance which washroom I can use is really helpful . Was I being petty ? Was I simply tired and churlish ? I don 't know , but I felt that it was like the hotel saying , ' there 's only so much diversity we can deal with so be grateful for what 's here and hush up . " When I mentioned the bathrooms to the clerk he went on and on about how nice it is to be welcoming to everyone . I pointed out the lack of disabled symbol and the guess I 'd made . It was like talking to someone who cared a lot about what he already thought and didn 't want to think any more thank you . Then , after checking in , I wanted to go into the little shop beside the registration desk to get a snack for the room . It wasn 't wheelchair accessible . They had these poles holding nicely designed curved frosted glass and at the bottom of the pole was a huge round disk . I suppose to others it would look pretty but to me it looked like a significant barrier . I tried and was right , I couldn 't get in . I should have kept count of how many of these I 've written . I didn 't realize upon becoming disabled that I 'd become a prolific writer of letters documenting , to those who think we 'd not notice , prejudice built and bigotry encountered . But they have to know we notice . They have to know . It was a rainy and blustery day in Ocean City and our plans for going out for a walk along the bay or the ocean blew away in the wind . After getting to our room and meeting with organizers , Joe and I went for a tea in the pub . We managed to find a table by the window and sat comfortable and warm and watched the waves crash on the beach and the wind whip throw the palms . It was wild and wonderful and in all ways beautiful . We felt blessed to just be there . Suddenly we were approached by a woman sitting at the table behind us , she assumed great authority and she placed one hand on Joe 's shoulder and one on my wheelchair . She started chatting with us about what we do and why we were at the hotel . Then she turns to me and asked how long I 'd been " differently abled . " My spine stiffened . I 'd never been called that before . I 'd heard it used , of course , but never in direct reference to me . She said that she was trying to be politically correct and asked if she 'd got it right . I told her that she hadn 't got it right that the term was simply " disabled " or , in my case , " wheelchair user " would be fine . She clearly didn 't like either of those words but she accepted that that was my " opinion . " I know that some times I have trouble letting go of things , but the words " differently abled " rang in my ears for hours afterwards . I couldn 't make them fit into any part of my brain , they seemed to mock me with a false sense of acceptance and a large dose of denial . I think that first we euthanize speech , when it comes to disability , and then we move from there . I want to remain spoken . Euphemism and euthanasia both begin with ' eu ' from the Greek for well but the endings mean different things , well said and well dead . Then I began the process of uploading the edited picture to Facebook . As I was doing that I was thinking about my keynote speech tomorrow and about how part of it was how we all need to claim who we are and thereby push shame aside . I looked at the edited picture . I looked at the original picture . I suddenly saw how shame had become an unconscious habit . Shame was just something I did . When I realized that , without even thinking much about it , I had erased a part of who I was , the way I existed in the world , I felt such pain . Why ? Why does shame live when I purposely don 't water it , I don 't set it in the sun , I don 't nourish it . But , then maybe I do . We arrived at a hotel , after two calls to confirm our accessible room , to be given a room that was not accessible . You can picture all that ensues , I just can 't write that story again . We eventually find another hotel , load the car and drive over . We 'd arrived late at the first hotel , after a full days work and a six hour drive , now it was 2 hours later and we were checking in to a different hotel that happened to have an accessible room . That weekend some time I had to write the obligatory letter of complaint , sent to the company as well as the actual hotel where this happened . I tried to explain both the situation and what the situation had meant to me . I received an apology letter that I felt , as I said in my reply , was generic and that , while recognizing the situation , didn 't seem to recognize the effect on me as a disabled traveler . This all ends in a phone call between myself and the manager . We spoke and she said something that really angers me in these situations and I 'd like to hear your opinions on this . She said , " I understand how you feel . " I stated clearly that she could not and did not . In fact I ranted . I 'd had enough of this kind of bullshit approach to empathy . " I 'm tired , " I said " of non - disabled people telling me that they understand how I feel when they simply can 't , they don 't know what it is to be offered a room that you can 't poo in , they don 't know what it 's like to be suddenly , unexpectedly homeless , they don 't know what it is to be on display in a lobby as others check in looking at you with pity and slight superiority because they can sleep in any fucking room in the hotel and you can only use the three or four that were granted you for us , they don 't know what it is to have used up all your energy just getting there and not knowing where to pull more from to try and find another place , drive to another place , hope that the other place got accessibility right , they don 't know that trust from a disabled traveler is different and deeper than it is for a non - disabled traveler , they don 't know that our trust given is absolute and when it 's broken it hurts , they don 't know that disabled travelers move about the world in fear of arrival , in fear that their bodies will make them suddenly , like I was , homeless . You don 't understand . " We hung up from the call each angry at the other . She had to control hers , it was her job to stay cool , and she did . I didn 't have to control mine , except to not personally attack her and to stay focused on what happened and why it was important . But the " I understand . . . " statement pushed a button in me that unleashed a torrent that I couldn 't stop or control . We were wandering through the mall in Salisbury when we came upon an exhibit of artwork done by various companies or artisans all which feature a bra incorporated into the work . You can vote for your favourite if you make a donation to the breast cancer foundation . Of all there I found myself really struck by the one that was made of crayons , with the " Broken crayons still color " tag line . In fact it was that line that stopped me in my tracks , I 'd been pushing hard , not the bras themselves . I didn 't even realize what it was until I 'd stopped and noticed the crayon bra along with all the others on display . There was something really powerful and really healing in those words , something that really touched me . I liked the idea that brokenness , even that which can never be mended , doesn 't end usefulness . I liked the idea that healing isn 't necessary for those who 've been wounded in order for them to move on and still contribute and be of service and of value . I don 't know that I 've ever said out loud how I believe that there are some areas of brokenness that are simply never going to be made right again , but that isn 't where it all ends . It doesn 't end with being broken , or even the sense of being broken , it ends with being broken incorporated into a life anyway . This is my experience . There are parts of me , shattered . There are parts of me forever tender to the touch . There are parts of me that are dealt with only by doing and being anyway - doing damns the darkness . I sat there in my chair reading this message over and over and over again . Simply said . My eyes moved from the words to the bra and I couldn 't help but smile . The audacity of a crayon bra , last years winner in the annual contest , having raised money and consciousness and awareness pleases me . He approached me from the front . I was pushing myself to the rest stop up a slight grade in blistering heat . He drew near , said how hot it was and asked if I wanted a push . I told him that I was good and thanked him for the offer . He smiled and wished me a good day and headed on in ahead of me . I was a few feet behind and Joe joined me from parking the car , the disabled stalls were all full and he 'd had to park a distance away , and we went in . After using the facilities we went to get a bite of lunch , it had been a long time since breakfast and we were both hungry . In the line up , just ahead of us , I ran into the fellow who 'd offered the push who was accompanied by his daughter , a young woman with Down Syndrome . Forgive me but my first thought was that this explained why he was so respectful about offering help and having it refused . Not a lot of people do that with the grace that he did . They stepped aside to let us go ahead because they went back to get something to drink . We were through and seated when they were back in the line up to pay . I noticed that his daughter was ahead of him , holding her lunch tray . When she got to the cashier she pulled out her money and gave it over . Here 's the amazing thing . It 's a small thing . But it 's a huge thing too . During the time she was paying , and accepting the change , and putting it back into her purse , she never looked to him . She didn 't look for approval . She didn 't look in fear of having made a mistake . She didn 't look to him for a cue of any kind . She just did what was needed to be done and then picked up her tray and moved on , going ahead , while he paid , to select a table . In the course of my years of work with people with intellectual disabilities I often see something quite different . I often see people who , being constantly taught and constantly critiqued , often look to parent or support provider for approval or reassurance or in slight fear of having made yet another mistake . She did none of those things . It seemed like she 'd also been taught , because all of us , if we have it , are taught self confidence . I realized then that when he approached me , to offer the push , he was alone . She was not with him . She must have gone ahead , not stapled to his side , and gone in herself to a busy rest stop . He and she were separate and independent people together by relationship and by circumstance rather than by desperate need . I don 't know anything about this man , or this woman , but I do know that both of them respect each other and both of them love each other and both of them are comfortable with their own power . There are lots of amazing parents out there . There are lots of wonderful support staff . The results of their very best work is often in what 's not seen , like the absence of a glance , and small acts of complete confidence . It was already pretty hot when we hit the street yesterday morning . I lamented that I 'd used up a lot of energy just getting to the start point of our trip to the museum where I would lecture . There was a long ramp from the hotel up to the street that requires a sustained and difficult push , I 'd done it twice before , and knew I could , but with my shoulders already burning , I was worried about what was yet to come . Crossed the street once and then again to get on the side of the street without construction and did okay , but just okay because the slant really put pressure on my right arm . Then we hit the bricks . The front wheels rebelled and hung up on nearly every one . It was impossible to push through . Joe offered to push but I didn 't want that . I turned around so that my large back wheels would go over the bricks and used a combination of my arms and one leg to propel me backwards . It worked , I had to change which leg I used a couple of times , but I made progress . I write this so far as if I was alone on that sidewalk . I wasn 't . There were lots of people walking , in both directions , all in a hurry to get to where they were going . The sidewalks aren 't wide and there were the occasional bottlenecks as people going one way and people going another had to figure out how to both get around me . Joe , the explorer , mapped it out . I 'm lecturing this morning in a museum just down the road from our hotel . Then in the afternoon , I cross the street and come back a bit to the offices where I 'll be presenting for the rest of the day . I have decided that I 'm going to push there and back . So , notes in my wheelchair bag , Joe beside me , we are heading out on this adventure . I hope I have enough breath to make it through the day . I hope I have the strength to make it there and back . Yoda said , ' try not , do or do not , there is no try ' . . . um . . . I call intergalactic crap to that nonsense , of course there 's try . I try until I do . Or , of course , do not . And Nike , you never ' just do it ' . Please , sometimes fit people think that achieving something happens by a magical act of willing and doing . Let me make this clear if I do it , there 's no ' just ' about it . Yesterday when we arrived at the hotel , the weather was sunny and the air was warm . We got into our room and I suggested that we go down to the outdoor cafe that 's attached to the hotel . We could sit there , have a tea , and enjoy just being out of doors . When you are on a lecture tour it 's mostly indoors , hotels , conference centres and then sitting in a car driving to the next destination . It had rained a lot over the weekend so even those days were spent in malls and movie theatres . Even with all the variety of all these places , the feel of processed air pressing against skin reminds me of those that lived , without breeze , in large facilities , captured for the crime of difference . But , I shake that away , I can 't bear it . We went downstairs and found that there was a long ramp up to the exit which was closest to the outside cafe . I managed it , my muscles worked hard , but I managed it . And I managed a push over uneven pavement to the cafe . I found a table that I could easily pull into and felt quite comfortable . My comfort came from the fact that my back was to the busy street , I looked into a quiet street , under construction . There was no one there to look back at me . I rested there , feeling safe . No eyes to judge me , no comments to be made by passers by . But then , without thinking about it , I turned my chair and went to another table , this time I faced out at all those coming and going on the busy street . I was fully in their view and they in mine . Joe returned , a tea in each hand , and noticed the change of table . I told him that it was a bit boring looking into the empty road . People came and went , doing what city people do , and we sat feeling the late sun , the warm air and the freshness of being outside . We chatted about the day passed and the day upcoming . We talked about our upcoming move . We marvelled at people jaywalking the street with their phones in their hands and their eyes on the screen . Oh to have so much luck that you can rely on it . We don 't and haven 't we decided . But nothing happened . I was left alone to just be a patron sitting outside on a lovely day . I realized that sometimes maybe I 'm turning my back on a world in anticipation of hurt , maybe I give up too much because of that . But enough . I had a lovely time and part of that was simply because I was left alone to do so . It doesn 't happen often and I should just leave it alone and enjoy it . I received some feedback about a presentation I did a little while back where I was accused of fat - shaming myself . I read that comment over and over again . I am not ashamed of who I am . I am publicly out as a fat person . I decry the behaviour of those who act out of a ' right to cruelty ' sense of thin superiority . All of these things jumped about in my head when I read this . I thought back to the presentation and can remember making only two comments about my weight , neither of them suggesting that there was anything wrong or disgusting with me or my body . I 'm not sure who made the comment or what it was that they heard . But I had to think about what they said . I came to the decision that I 'm not going back into the closet about my weight or about my existence as a fat man in a hostile world . It 's part of my personal narrative and it 's well within my rights to talk about it . Mentioning the fact that I am fat is not ' fat shaming ' . Talking about my experiences as a fat person is not ' fat shaming . ' Joking about my weight is not ' fat shaming ' if those jokes are about people 's response to me being fat or my experience of being fat , I avoid joking about any experience where fat is attached to a moral value . It is not uncommon for people to tell me , in comments after a lecture , that I shouldn 't mention my weight . It 's like just the fact that I say out loud who I am , conjures up all the bad things they think about fat people so therefore I should be silent . I won 't . Joe and I had to go to a particular store in a particular mall nearby today . There was something we wanted to pick up for a gift . We arrived , rode the elevator up to the second floor and I pushed out . We headed the way the map told us to go and soon saw the store ahead of us . It was faint at first but I was sure that I was hearing violin music being played . It didn 't sound like a recording , it sounded live . A few feet further ahead I was able to look through glass barriers that allowed those on the second floor to look down through open space , to the first floor . Standing alone on a small stage was a young woman who was playing her violin with unfeigned passion . The music was stunning . Joe , the classical music buff , was able to identify everything she played , I just thought it was pretty and soothing and sometimes oddly compelling . I looked up from the music and saw people rushing around , families with kids , husbands and wives , teens out with friends . They all made their own kind of noise . It didn 't take away from the music . It was like this pure sound was pushing aside the quiet din and making space for itself . Suddenly I got teary . I thought of the woman who 'd checked me into the Marriott hotel in Bridgewater , New Jersey only a few days before . The lobby had been quiet but the bar was busy and there was a lot of noise , and laughter , and one slightly hot debate . Joe stood next to me as I checked in and then suddenly another sound cut through the din , just like this music had , it was the sound of respect . The clerk spoke to me about my room , she talked to me about the services of the hotel , right there with Joe beside me , standing , at her height , and she was looking down at me , it 's just that she wasn 't looking down on me . Throughout her information giving chat , she glanced at Joe to include him , she was welcoming to both , but it had been a reservation in my name and my credit card was used , I was her customer . There on the second floor of the mall , we listened to this young woman play . It was as if the music conjured up this image in my mind to combat my experience of being ' othered ' during my push to the store . People staring and pointing at me , making me feel like I was there for their amusement and to give them something to talk and laugh about . I pushed , hard , towards my destination to get out of there as quickly as possible . That stuff became just noise . That stuff just didn 't matter because it wasn 't , like the music was , beautiful . It was just there . It was just noise . The sound from the stage pulled me to a stop in a place where I didn 't feel safe . It wrapped around me , and then , there was just the music and me and the pictures the music made in my head . When the clerk finished checking me in I thanked her and told her exactly what she had done that I found so refreshing , she treated me as a valued customer . Me . In my body , in my chair , I 'm used to noise . Lots of noise . But her tone and her manner cut through all that and reminded me of what respect sounds like in my ear . In my tradition , we never talked about her . Mary , the mother of Jesus , was given over to the Catholics and we made do with the rest of the family . It was like the leaders of my denomination simply didn 't know what to do with her , how to fit her comfortably into a narrative , because of course , she doesn 't fit easily into the picture of motherhood created in the minds of many . But , there was something about that particular Mary that I found hopeful as a child . I saw her as a mother who loved her kid , with determination and with passion , knowing he was different . He took off on her , as children do , and she had to search to find him . He argued with teachers and debated those who he was supposed to simply bow down to . He couldn 't have been an easy child , today they would put him on medication , to calm down his innate sense of revolution . But she loved her son anyway . Even to his death , she followed him . She must have seen it coming , and she didn 't turn her back on him , didn 't disavow him , he was hers and she loved him . This is easy to understand from a distance but on the ground , when it was all happening , I 'm not so sure it was easy . She , to me , is a role model . To me she challenges , even today , parents to love the kid they 've got . To never turn away from your child even when the world has . Steadfastness in the belief that family matters , that your child 's difference is simply your child 's difference , no matter whether that difference is celebrated or reviled . I remember the very first time I saw a woman with a sign , in a protest march , that read , " I love my gay son . " I wept . I cried for blocks as we marched through a crowd that threw things at us , rocks , garbage , anything they could find on the street . She loved her son anyway . It was possible for the human heart to love anyway . I remember seeing a woman , standing up in a meeting , and demanding that her son with an intellectual disability be given a shot at a future , at an education , at a chance to be amongst rather than set apart . She spoke of his difference . She spoke of her pride in him , anyway . It was possible for a parent 's heart to feel pride anyway . I remember a woman with a physical and intellectual disability showing me a picture of her daughter , a daughter she raised at home , a single mother . Her daughter did not have her disabilities , and her disabilities made some aspect of motherhood more difficult , but she loved being a mom . It was possible for all hearts to love kids , to want the best for them , and to work around the barriers in the way , because there are always barriers . When I was a little boy , just coming to terms with my difference . I knew I liked boys . It was a time of silence regarding who and what I was , I had a picture of Mary , and I imagined she knew of my difference and she knew of my secret , and I imagined she loved me anyway . It gave me comfort . Years later and only days ago , my Mom said that she wished Joe and I could be with her and my brother and his wife for Mother 's Day . I hung up and asked Joe if he heard my mother 's words . They may have sounded like an invitation to a brunch , but what they said was . . . There was noise at the door . I had been sitting having my breakfast with my back to the door . The view was lovely , spring greens abounded , and behind me work waited . At first I thought that the sound was just people coming into and leaving the breakfast room . But it grew and I turned to see the elderly lady from yesterday 's post , sitting in her transfer chair , with the woman pushing her attempting to get her in through the door . The issue was the sill . I had noticed it coming in . It was raised to wheel stopping high , it had sharp edges which were not designed to be rolled over . I 've encountered these enough now as a self propelled wheelchair user to know exactly how to manage them . I need to lean back , lift the front wheels and push . It 's not an easy move to manage , but I do . Frustration was growing on the face of the woman pushing the chair , she was fair slamming the chair into the sill . I could see that there were people behind her wanting in and people in wanting out and she just wanted to get in and get out of the way . But the woman in the chair was holding on to the arms of the chair , tightly , frightened she 'd be thrown off . Then two of the men waiting to get decided to help so they came forward , looking for and getting permission from the woman pushing the chair to grab hold of the arms at the front of the chair with the idea adding strength to pull her in . They leaned down into her space , each of them touching her leg on either side . On the first slam , all they did was add strength to the process and the woman let go a frightened shriek . I called over to them to be careful and then shouted , " Tilt ! ! " The message was received and the chair rose over the sill and they came into the room . Everyone congratulated each other for and this is a direct quote , " getting the chair in . " Sometimes , and this worries me , I can go days without seeing another wheelchair user . On the road , as I am now , we travel from place to place stopping along the way to eat , to do the opposite of eat , to just take a break . Often we will do this at malls or restaurants , places where I 'm fairly guaranteed access to a toilet . The disabled stalls will be full but inside everyone is walking , I 'm aware that many have invisible disabilities and my kinship to them as a member of the disability community is likewise invisible , but that leaves me , pushing hard down hallways and waiting for the accessible stall , feeling quite alone . And then it come , the weight of being the only one . I am sure I am not the only person who has ever felt this . The same is true of most hotels I stay in , most of the lectures I give , most of the people I meet from day to day . I am sitting , they are not . I am rolling , they are not . I am requesting space , they are not . There are times when I completely disidentify with the people around me . I know that I fall into the ' category ' of being a person but it doesn 't feel like that . It just feels lonely . Yesterday I rolled into a pub and there was an older woman sitting in a transport wheelchair , she was slowly eating her dinner . By the setting next to her and the partially eaten plate of food I assume that the person she was with was up and doing something . My pathway through the crowd had me going just behind her chair . I said to her , " Sometimes it 's just nice to see another person in a chair . " Her hand reached out and touched my shoulder , she said , " I know . " Yesterday , when in the lobby of the hotel that the lecture was in , I asked for directions to the meeting place . It was a reasonable thing to do , a big hotel , lots of corridors , and a history of choosing the wrong one . I asked a woman who I was pretty sure would know and she happily pointed the way to me , and yep , I would have gone the wrong way . Then she asked me if I was attending the meeting and I told her I was the presenter at the meeting . She said , ' Oh , with great surprise , and then ' Really ' with either astonishment or disbelief . The constant experience of ' lessness ' in expectations , in possibility and in human status is wearing . I joked back when I didn 't get it about how I liked to jump over low expectations . Now , living with them for so many years , I know that it 's not about leaping over them , it 's about carrying them . The experience of looking out the window and seeing a lowered horizon cannot be easily described . It happened yesterday but started several weeks ago . Joe is having increasing problems with his shoulder . He has an appointment for this to be looked into , but for now , while waiting we 're careful . We 've agreed that for this trip , I will lift and load the luggage like he typically does . I was a little concerned because he 's really good at it and often scoffs at porters at hotels who ' don 't know their way around a piece of luggage ' and Joe often says scornfully . He sets a high standard . So we arrived at the hotel and after rushing in to pee , that 's part of being our age , and then registering , we came back out to the car . Joe was getting things from inside the car , some shopping that we 'd picked up and our coats . I rolled the chair up to the trunk , opened the footrests and got up . I had the cart set right behind the car so I could lift and pull and load in a kind on single movement . I can do this without walking much , and it only depends on my keeping balance , which was helped by my placing my hip against the car . So , the luggage was neatly loaded . I got back into my chair . I was puffed out a bit because thought I 'm doing exercises to be stronger they sometimes don 't seem to be exercising the muscles needed for day to day stuff . I notice a couple , then while seating , who were in the parking lot and staring at me with real judgement in their faces . I thought they should see a disabled man doing all that he could with what he had . They didn 't see that . I would soon find out what they saw and what they thought about it . We disabled people often get the benefit of people sharing with us . I pushed back into the hotel , which was up a long slope , a gentle rise , and then a steeper ramp that lead to the entrance of the building . I was in . Joe was in and pushing the cart . He took the first elevator , I waited for the second , and that 's when they struck . The both castigated me for perpetrating a fraud to get better parking and misuse a parking permit . I was clearly not disabled and the wheelchair must be for show . I sat and looked at them . I was tired from the trip . When they were done I asked if either were doctors or had medical training about disabilities . They said no . I then told them that they were fraudulently representing themselves as people who could make any kind of sound judgement about disability or disabled people . And , as they 'd already used the word , they could fuck off . He he was , slowly , cutting a piece of his pizza . It was clear that while he would be unable to eat it by picking it up with his hands , he would be able to do so by cutting it up into pieces and spearing those pieces with his fork and then taking the food to his mouth . He was with a staff who had turned her back to him to text a message or otherwise use her cell phone , her thumbs flew as she did what she did . She then turned to see that he had started his meal and a look of , this is hard to believe , annoyance crossed her face . " I told you to just wait a moment . " she said . I couldn 't hear his answer as he spoke very softly . " Well , never mind , " she said and took the knife and fork from him against his small protest , and began to cut up his food . " Don 't fuss , " she said , " This will make it much easier for you to get at the pizza faster . " Then she laughed . He didn 't . He looked deflated . When a piece of pizza went astray , he picked his napkin up to wipe his mouth . She saw this and took it from him , she didn 't say anything this time , and neither did he , but he hung on to the napkin and it ripped . She grabbed another one and went for his mouth . She had a firm , ' I 'm helping you ' look on her face . Again he looked defeated . I have no doubt that the staff was trying her best to do her best . I have no doubt that her intention was to give to him what he needed . The only problem is it was she thought he needed . In a brief email exchange yesterday with someone we were talking about this and I stated that the goal in service was to " respect the disability while not disrespecting the ability . " I worked very hard to learn how to get out the door of my apartment building without assistance . It takes both strength and skill , I 'm proud that I don 't need anyone 's help with this . I also know that I need to keep doing it to be able to keep doing it . When away for a week or two working , I always have to try a couple of times to get it right . It really is a case of practice makes perfect . My big problem is that people always want to help me . Yesterday when I was waiting for Joe to come with the car the lobby had 4 people in it . I saw Joe pull up and headed for the door , 4 people saw this and they all began to stand up . I said , " The best way to help me is to not help me . " Three sat done and one kept coming . " I need to do this to be able to do this , " I said insistently and the helper reluctantly returned to his seat . I 'd been to this church before , for Ruby 's First Communion , and their attempt at accessibility , which looked wonderful , didn 't really work . they have cut out a space between pews so you can roll up and be right within the congregation . That 's awesome . But then , they stand a lot , so I was suddenly sitting , entirely alone , in a sea of bums and crotches . I saw nothing . Joe and I talked on the way up and I said that I 'd sit behind the last pew , he 'd sit in the pew in front of me . I 'd be able to see down the aisle and , this time , I 'd see the ceremony up front . Sadie was so excited and nervous . She 'd been told she 'd be the first called up and that thrilled and frightened her . I was in place I could see everything . And then . A fellow arrives late and comes and sits in a pew four in front of ours . When everyone stands , he steps out into the aisle , directly in front of me , and rocks , sideways . Then when it 's time to sit , he steps back into the row and sits down on the pew . I couldn 't see past him . It was getting closer in the service to where Sadie would be going up , I really wanted to see . I edged my wheelchair a bit further over so I 'd be able to lean and see . At this point it never crossed my mind to think of the fellow blocking my view as anything more or less than someone blocking my view . I never thought of him as someone who needed that space and who had a right to that space and who had a right to have his right respected . I was thinking in ways about him that really upset me when done to me . I know better than that . I should have learned from that . It shouldn 't have taken 15 minutes of being bothered by him before I understood that he and I both had a legitimate need for space and that I had to accommodate him in the same way that people accommodate me . The movie started at 10 : 40 so I arranged for WheelTrans to get us there at 9 : 00 . That would give me time to do some laps of the mall , at that time in the morning there are few people there and I can get a good speed up . This particular mall run also includes two ramps up on the run and one large ramp down . Getting over to the place where I run requires going done one long ramp and up another long ramp . It 's fun because I let myself fly down one and then the speed takes me about half way up the other , the last half I do by grabbing the handrails on either side and pulling myself up . I enjoy that . This particular day involves three ramp stories , all of which I want to remember , so I 'm putting them here for me , and you can read along if you choose . We arrived in the bus to find that there is construction going on at the mall and the bus had to drop us a fair way from the entrance . The driver offered to push me to the building and up the ramp and was relieved , I think , when I told her that I didn 't need assistance . I am very big , she was not . It continually pleases me that my strength is such that I can push , even on sidewalks , enough to be pretty independent , even though I haven 't conquered long sidewalk treks . I got into the building and rolled over to ' the ramp . ' It 's a long , steep , ramp that I 've only managed once . That time I rolled close to the handrail and used both the handrail to pull myself and my arms to push myself . It was really hard , but I made it . I tried to go handrail free a couple of times and made it barely a quarter the way up before letting myself roll back . My arms were already tired because I 'd done my weights earlier in the morning but I thought to myself , the point of weight is strength and I wanted to test it yet again against , ' the ramp ' the only one I couldn 't do in the whole mall . I positioned myself in the middle of the ramp , such that I couldn 't reach the rail , I wanted to do this just using my pushing strength . I imagined myself making it , a strangely successful cognitive procedure for me , and then started . The urge to stop , to roll back , was almost harder to push back than it was to push forward . By midway my muscles were screaming , but then determination set it and I inched my way up . My front wheels went over the top and then , I stopped , I 'd used everything . I took seven breaths , like I do when I have to stop doing my shoulder presses because of fatigue and then gave a final push . I 'd made it . I was jubilant . That stands as the biggest victory I 've had in a while . Then it was off to do the run . I pushed over to the elevators and Joe and I chatted about beating ' the ramp ' and finally we were at the two long ones . It was early so I didn 't have to wait . I positioned myself , I do this with care because I fly down that ramp and I depend on the speed to assist me with the ridiculously long ramp on the other side . Down I went , it 's hard not to yell out in glee because it is exhilarating . I hit the start of the ramp up and made it a good distance , I then grabbed the rails and began pulling myself up . This is actually fairly easy , but I know it look impressive . It was here , doing this , that I 'd figured out the difference between watching and staring . People tend to stop and look at my arm , chair and the pull , the mechanics of getting up the ramp . I don 't mind it here , I don 't like being watched get into or out of a car because that seems much more private to me . I 'm a man of contradictions , and I 've learned , that 's allowed . I 'd only managed two pushes around this particular track before but I was moving on to my fourth when I decided to change the pathway . I usually just go around the track , up a ramp , round to the long stretch , down the big ramp and then round the bottom and up a short but steep ramp that takes a lot of energy and then a short push to the start and do it over . There is a ramp I 'd never tried , in the middle of the mall which I decided to try . Never done it before . It 's located , I 'd not noticed before , right beside a Tim 's coffee shop . I got to the bottom of it , positioned myself off to the side leaving lots of room for walkers to get by . I then noticed that the ramp didn 't have those little ridges that all the other ramps have . The help me mark my way up and they help with stopping the chair sliding backwards . Okay , I knew I 'd need to focus on keeping a constant forward movement . I was on my fourth lap , when I 'd never done more than 2 , I 'd already done a lot of ramps , and my shoulders and arms were tired , my back was wet with sweat , but what the hell . Pushing was hard , but I knew immediately I had it in me . Slowly and with constant motion , which can be hard to manage when you have to let go of the wheels , on a slope and grab them quickly again to push forward . Just before the top I glanced over to see that I had the whole of Tim Hortons watching me push my way up . The saw me see them and I got probably thirty thumbs up . When I made the top , I heard a cheer rise from the store . I decided , and this isn 't typical of me , not to think about it in any other way than enthusiasm and encouragement and then I finished the fourth lap . " You 're an odd one aren 't you ? " he said to me after he offered me help , which I refused , to get up and out of my chair to transfer to the car . Now nevermind that I consider that a really intimate service , which I need from time to time when my disability acts up , I think it 's presumptuous to suggest that I wouldn 't have those bases covered . I mean , I didn 't become disabled seconds before and find myself in needing of a help that wasn 't available . I was curious as to how he considered me odd . So , I asked , " In what way am I odd . " " I think it 's odd that you think its odd for a member of a minority group to be an individual person and react in individual ways to situations . I think it 's odd that you comfortably carry around a pathetic stereotype of disabled people and of yourself as the kind saviour . I think it 's odd that you would ask a stranger , who is with another person , to let you touch them . " That last comment was one that I maybe should have reconsidered more carefully but when my dander is up it 's up . He became extremely angry and abusive , he didn 't hit me though he wanted to . He ended by saying that I wasn 't really one of the nice disabled people I was just a bitter fat man that couldn 't walk because of the tonnage I carry . Without much hope I went on the website looking for an accessible apartment . The older we both get , the more we really need a place that we are safe in . I was surprised to find that there was one available , it wasn 't where we were looking , it wasn 't where we had planned to live , but none of that mattered . It was available . We called and set an appointment and Joe went up yesterday to see the place and talk to them about it . He came down in the afternoon and took me up . We 've been here before , looking at accessible apartments and being told that the wait list was very long and , in fact we 've been near 10 years on the wait list in Toronto . I didn 't really want to go because I really didn 't want to get my hopes up . Once there , we were shown around an apartment that was fully accessible and had everything I need to be safe and secure . There are bars where there should be bars , there are ramps where there should be ramps , there are doorways wide enough to accommodate a wheelchair . The poor woman had no idea what the impact of that would be on me . I sat in my chair and I just started to cry . I was sitting in a place that would meet my needs as a wheelchair user . I would no longer feel terror when showering . I would no longer have to be only a semi - participant in cooking , which I love to do . I would be able to use every square foot of the place . They even have a lovely ramp into a back yard . I can go outside ! Shut . Up . Feelings are a weird thing for me . I try to be aware of the feelings of others and sensitive to how my behaviour might affect someone . I don 't always succeed . I don 't always realize the hurt I 've caused until later , sometimes much later . My guess is that most of us are like that . Today I was expecting some bad news . Today I got some bad news . ( Nothing to do with health , people always go there immediately when you 're disabled or fat . ) Now the bad news I got wasn 't as bad as I expected , for which I was grateful , but it was still bad news . It 's like I expected to be punched and kicked but instead got a sound , strong , slap across the face . And right now , right this minute , I 'm not allowing myself to feel badly , or even grieve a bit as a result of getting bad news . I 've got this voice calling me down for having an emotional reaction at all , " It wasn 't like you were punched and kicked like you expected . " " But I was hit , hard , and it hurt . " " It didn 't hurt like it could have hurt , what 's wrong with you ? " Over the last several weeks , my weights have gathered dust . First , I was deathly ill for several days , mostly from an adverse effect of one of the anti - biotics that I was put on , then , immediately upon recovery we were gone on a 17 day road trip . I did exercise during that period , less than I do at home , using some videos and the resistance bands . Let 's not discount the fact that I push myself in my wheelchair very long distances , and much more frequently , than I do at home . So , it 's been a while without weight lifting . This morning I woke up early and the bus was coming 20 minutes later than it normally does , so I had time . I got to the computer , checked emails and stuff and very nearly decided that it would be nice to have another day ' off ' from lifting but , then , I turned my resolve on , and got set up to do my routine . It 's only 35 minutes of 3 reps of 10 lifts of 8 different lifts , I 'm sure there 's a right way to say that , but I don 't know it . In that short time off I found myself really struggling to do what I used to do rather easily . I had to drop down weight for two of the exercises because I simply had lost strength . It was clear which exercises were related to wheelchair pushing and which were not . But , I made it through and then finished up with 45 minutes focusing on the core and on flexibility . Before you took the story to your heart , before you passed it on , did you investigate to see if it was true ? Well I did . and , of course , it 's not true . There is no evidence that this has ever happened . So in the days of alternate facts and wishful truths the narrative about the lives of people with disabilities is taken from us , our voices , our stories , our lives are constantly exploited for the emotional needs of the non - disabled . They like a hankey cruncher , a tissue soaker , a mascara runner , and disabled bodies and disabled stories meet those needs . They need lessons about striving and succeeding against all odds , of course their definition of success and of striving are different than many of us in the disability community , but it matters not , because , of course , we matter not . We don 't even matter much in the story . We are the background , they are the message . The trouble is the actual , real story of Itzak Perlman as a disabled man , a world famous violinist , holds real interest and has within it real messages . Even more problematic is that the real story puts paid to any notion of Perlman as broken . You 'll notice that the story told in the video makes sure you know about his polio , his wheelchair , his crutches and his limp , it has to establish the broken man in order to tell the story , in order to inspire non - disabled to fix their own brokenness . Yeah , a world famous man who has traveled to more places than many of us could even list , if challenged , on a paper unaided by a map , is broken . Yeah a man who makes pots of money is broken . Yeah a man who 's name is synonymous with his craft is broken . But , it begins the story and it plays into the narrative that has been written about us for an audience that doesn 't include us . But back to his real story , take the incident with him arriving at an airport here in Toronto and being treated with disrespect due to his needs as a disabled man and how he dealt with that , for example , tells an important story . But , that 's a story about a disabled person 's encounter with the bigotry and prejudice of the non - disabled . That won 't bring on tears , that will be reacted to with excuses for the behaviour of the airport staff - I know I read the comments . We got off the plane and I told Joe that there was something weird about my footrest . Nothing to do but press on and press on we did , got to the car rental , loaded the chair in and arrived at the hotel . I stayed in the car while Joe checked in and then we went to get some basics for the room . On getting out at the store , my right footrest disintegrated into little bits surrounding the chair . That meant that I had to push around the store holding one leg up while pushing myself . Thank heavens I 'm stronger , I was able to do what needed to be done . At the conference the next day I was alternately pushing myself around with great difficulty , lecturing and calling to find a place to replace the footrest . One of the conference organizers knew someone who knew someone and at the end of the day we were off . The place we went to had one but with a plastic footrest , I 'm too heavy for that so we found another and they had these nice people there who fit us up and charged us just a few bucks . Done . At the hotel there was a long , carpeted ramp , I insisted that I could do it myself , and I could , but it was really hard work . But , that 's why I 've lifted weights and that 's why I 've worked on my skill at pushing . I made it up two and a half times in one day and when I got to my room , I took off my glove to find that I 'd really blistered my right thumb . I was going to have to be careful and yet I had long airport pushes coming up . The morning came and I rolled my thumb a bit when pushing and managed to do okay . Even did the ramp one more time . Joe thought that an ill advised venture , but I get to make those decisions and I made it okay , that reassured me that I 'd manage the airports . Which I did . Done . We get to the car and drive home , Joe and I come up to clear the way of mail and to get me out of the way so he can do what he needs to do . He gets all the luggage up to the apartment and then goes down to park the car . He 's back too quickly . Now he 's telling me that the car won 't start . The rest of the day involves CAA and getting the car to the garage where they will look at it Monday . We 've got the girls coming the next day and need a car . Joe walks over to the rental place and rents a car for a couple days , we rent enough that we have some free day reward coupons so that 's done . But again , we are picturing money flying out the door and into the garage cash register , but I just got a call from Joe , he 's got the girls and they are on the way down . Done . We talked about this , all of this has been dealt with fairly calmly . Joe decided that disability plays a bit of the way that we ' roll ' with things . It 's a life of adaption and problem solving and dealing with the unexpected . It 's almost like you have to either adapt and survive or give in and whither away . Ya just deal . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities . |
Let me say , for the record , and to no one 's surprise , that I don 't like Donald Trump 's policies or politics . I think his manner and his mouth have created an atmosphere that endorses violence and encourages prejudice . There , I 've said it . Let me also say that I don 't care about his hair , his tan , his weight or any other superficial thing about him . I don 't think that any of those things have any place in the debate about his policies . I believe it 's what he does that makes him concerning to people like me - I think calling him names about his supposed ' orangeness ' trivializes the danger he poses and makes arguments against his policies seem secondary to his look and his presence . I 'm only guessing here but I 'd say that less than 10 percent of the posts I read that are anti - Trump speak strictly about his policies and his politics . All the rest have some element that would be classified as ' bully ' commentary about him physically . Everyone seems to be trying to outdo everyone else in regards to put downs about his looks in one way or another . We should be so against bullying and teasing and name calling that we don 't do it , even against those that we don 't like . It 's easy not to bully a friend . It 's a piece of cake not to tease someone you love . The test of our mettle is when it comes to applying the same standard of behaviour to those who we , even violently , oppose . It 's happened many times of course , without me really noticing . But when it happened a few weeks ago , and then again yesterday , I began to think about it , ask questions about it and now want to write about it . The first time it happened Joe and I were having lunch with a couple , and if you knew the history of us all that would have surprised you , who were now ' accepting ' of us as gay people but for years held very negative views of homosexuality in general and us specifically . What brought us together for this meal is too complicated to explain . Over lunch we were told a long , and very detailed , story about them having been out for lunch at another restaurant some time in the recent past . The waiter who was ' obviously gay ' had been rude to them , ' like he thought he was better than them , ' and then it went on to what a snob he was and how poorly he did his job . The ' obviously gay ' remark was thrown in there several times just so we never forgot even for a moment that this guy was a poof . Then the story ended . There was no point except to say that an ' obviously gay ' man had been mean to the poor little straight couple . What did we do ? Due to the politics of the situation , we simply changed the subject and went on . The whole episode bothered me , like something really weird had just happened but I couldn 't figure out quite what it was . Then , yesterday , I had someone I know well tell me a story , in response to the fact that I 'd mentioned I 'm back to using my scooter for short runs while I try to get my power chair fixed , wherein someone in a scooter had nearly run them over . Then once that bit of the story was out , a bit of a diatribe followed , they go too fast these scooter users , they don 't pay attention , they think they own the side walk . Again , I was caught in the politics of the situation , there are times when it simply will cost too much to speak up . I held these two conversations together in my mind and compared and contrasted . Neither of them had a point , they were just recounting negative experiences with marginalized people . In both , the privileged were victims of people who were rude and who demanded space . It seemed to be to be a way to through homophobia and heterosexism or disphobia and ableism into a conversation . It 's a new way to call names and a way to present oneself as a victim of those who should know their place . My power chair has been on the fritz for quite a while now , they are coming to look at it Tuesday , because they won 't take it to fix it until they look at it because our word that it doesn 't need ' looking at ' it needs fixed isn 't good enough , so we 'll have to schedule the pick up after the look at fails . Sorry , I lost control of that sentence . Anyways , I 'm using my old scooter which is definitely showing it 's age . It can 't do more than one or two ramps on a charge and it 's simply failing . It 's somewhere just over 15 years old and never had a batter change . But , it allows me to move around my immediate neighbourhood . We were heading up towards the mall on the north side of the street and I 'd made it across the street but the scooter simply stalled , came to a quick stop , as I was riding up the curb cut . I sat there literally and figuratively powerless . The light changed and a woman walking quickly to catch the light came to a dead stop beside me , the idea of going around me hadn 't occurred to her . Now , I 'm frazzled and upset and feeling powerless , I had no room left for manners . I said , " Yeah , and I did this just to inconvenience you . I 'd planned it for months and it 's worked , I couldn 't be happier . " My face wad deadpan serious . Like I really had planned to pick this woman out of all the people in the world to plot a master plan to be in her way while she walked on the sidewalk . We went into a coffee shop yesterday . I say that but Joe and I had tea and Sadie a hot chocolate so no coffee graced our table . When we went in we saw it was really full of people . I spotted one table free and headed for it . I couldn 't see , because of a post , that it was beside , but not part of , another table . When the other table came into view it was occupied by a young woman and a much older man , with a disability , who , like me , was using a scooter . He , also like me , was pulled up to the side of the table . Once our table was claimed Joe and Sadie went off in search of drinks , tea biscuits and the like . After just a second a harsh glare from the other man with a disability came my way . I suddenly felt that I was intruding , but I was at another table , not connected to his table , and the place was full . He said something to the young woman with him and they simply left . I got the impression that he didn 't want to be at a table with another person with a disability sitting so closely by . It would have been easy to mistake that we were a group . I don 't think , and again , I 'm guessing , that they 'd have left if I had been non - disabled . I run into this sometimes . The prejudice within the disabled community to others with disabilities . The desire to only be surrounded by non - disabled people , as if their value will rub off on you . I felt guilty but only for a second . Why should I care any more about a disabled bigot than a non disabled one ? Now , I don 't know for certain what was going on . But the dirty look he gave me was unmistakable . They were in a coffee shop packed with people , it 's not a place where couples seek private time together . And , it seemed more like a helper / helpee relationship . He was in his late teens , he had been with a group of friends , in the mall . I had turned towards the elevator and in doing so came into their view . They all , to a one , looked over at me . Then , predictably , they started laughing , and glancing over at me . My appearance sometimes doesn 't meet a verbal response , sometimes it 's just glances from me to each other and back . I 've been in this situation before and there are several possible responses , I was tired , I chose the ' go by in dignity ' response , which , by the way , isn 't ' just ignoring it ' . To make it obvious that you have heard and seen the actions of others and to proceed ahead unbowed , unwilling to give them more space , to go bravely by people who have identified themselves as enemy , is action . I waited at the elevator with my back to them . This , for me , is an act of courage . I don 't like having cruel people behind me . I feel really vulnerable . I don 't know when the words will translate into action , for the glances had become words , said loudly , for my benefit . Sometimes elevators run on molasses time and this one when it finally arrived , I felt older . I got on , and turned around , just as the door was closing , a hand shot out to stop it . One of the young men got on the elevator with me . This surprised me and scared me a little . Alone , in a small space with someone who thinks me less than human . I was going to 5 , he to 6 . At 3 , I 'd had enough . Knowing he 'd heard me , I asked an expanded question , " Does it bother you how easy it is for you to be needlessly cruel ? Do you ever worry that as a father you will be abusive , that as a husband you will batter your wife ? Cruelty comes easy to you . Does that bother you ? " " Does it bother you that you define humiliating a stranger as fun ? Does that worry you for who you 'll be in a few years . Will you humiliate you wife ? Will you humiliate your children ? I would think that at your age you 'd be thinking about this ? And so you know , that wasn 't fun for me ? " We came into the lobby and were blown away . It was completely redesigned and really fresh and beautiful . It 's a smaller chain known for room that are reasonably priced and for pretty good service . As we are in our 60s and as we 'd been driving for hours our first request was for directions to the toilets . We were pointed in their general direction . There was a men 's , a women 's , and and all genders toilet , I was initially pleased to see the inclusivity until I noticed that none of them had the disabled symbol on them . I guessed that the all genders toilet would be the one and I guessed right . Now I 'm feeling a little bit bad for feeling a little bit annoyed . Why the loss of the disabled symbol ? Knowing at a glance which washroom I can use is really helpful . Was I being petty ? Was I simply tired and churlish ? I don 't know , but I felt that it was like the hotel saying , ' there 's only so much diversity we can deal with so be grateful for what 's here and hush up . " When I mentioned the bathrooms to the clerk he went on and on about how nice it is to be welcoming to everyone . I pointed out the lack of disabled symbol and the guess I 'd made . It was like talking to someone who cared a lot about what he already thought and didn 't want to think any more thank you . Then , after checking in , I wanted to go into the little shop beside the registration desk to get a snack for the room . It wasn 't wheelchair accessible . They had these poles holding nicely designed curved frosted glass and at the bottom of the pole was a huge round disk . I suppose to others it would look pretty but to me it looked like a significant barrier . I tried and was right , I couldn 't get in . I should have kept count of how many of these I 've written . I didn 't realize upon becoming disabled that I 'd become a prolific writer of letters documenting , to those who think we 'd not notice , prejudice built and bigotry encountered . But they have to know we notice . They have to know . It was a rainy and blustery day in Ocean City and our plans for going out for a walk along the bay or the ocean blew away in the wind . After getting to our room and meeting with organizers , Joe and I went for a tea in the pub . We managed to find a table by the window and sat comfortable and warm and watched the waves crash on the beach and the wind whip throw the palms . It was wild and wonderful and in all ways beautiful . We felt blessed to just be there . Suddenly we were approached by a woman sitting at the table behind us , she assumed great authority and she placed one hand on Joe 's shoulder and one on my wheelchair . She started chatting with us about what we do and why we were at the hotel . Then she turns to me and asked how long I 'd been " differently abled . " My spine stiffened . I 'd never been called that before . I 'd heard it used , of course , but never in direct reference to me . She said that she was trying to be politically correct and asked if she 'd got it right . I told her that she hadn 't got it right that the term was simply " disabled " or , in my case , " wheelchair user " would be fine . She clearly didn 't like either of those words but she accepted that that was my " opinion . " I know that some times I have trouble letting go of things , but the words " differently abled " rang in my ears for hours afterwards . I couldn 't make them fit into any part of my brain , they seemed to mock me with a false sense of acceptance and a large dose of denial . I think that first we euthanize speech , when it comes to disability , and then we move from there . I want to remain spoken . Euphemism and euthanasia both begin with ' eu ' from the Greek for well but the endings mean different things , well said and well dead . Then I began the process of uploading the edited picture to Facebook . As I was doing that I was thinking about my keynote speech tomorrow and about how part of it was how we all need to claim who we are and thereby push shame aside . I looked at the edited picture . I looked at the original picture . I suddenly saw how shame had become an unconscious habit . Shame was just something I did . When I realized that , without even thinking much about it , I had erased a part of who I was , the way I existed in the world , I felt such pain . Why ? Why does shame live when I purposely don 't water it , I don 't set it in the sun , I don 't nourish it . But , then maybe I do . We arrived at a hotel , after two calls to confirm our accessible room , to be given a room that was not accessible . You can picture all that ensues , I just can 't write that story again . We eventually find another hotel , load the car and drive over . We 'd arrived late at the first hotel , after a full days work and a six hour drive , now it was 2 hours later and we were checking in to a different hotel that happened to have an accessible room . That weekend some time I had to write the obligatory letter of complaint , sent to the company as well as the actual hotel where this happened . I tried to explain both the situation and what the situation had meant to me . I received an apology letter that I felt , as I said in my reply , was generic and that , while recognizing the situation , didn 't seem to recognize the effect on me as a disabled traveler . This all ends in a phone call between myself and the manager . We spoke and she said something that really angers me in these situations and I 'd like to hear your opinions on this . She said , " I understand how you feel . " I stated clearly that she could not and did not . In fact I ranted . I 'd had enough of this kind of bullshit approach to empathy . " I 'm tired , " I said " of non - disabled people telling me that they understand how I feel when they simply can 't , they don 't know what it is to be offered a room that you can 't poo in , they don 't know what it 's like to be suddenly , unexpectedly homeless , they don 't know what it is to be on display in a lobby as others check in looking at you with pity and slight superiority because they can sleep in any fucking room in the hotel and you can only use the three or four that were granted you for us , they don 't know what it is to have used up all your energy just getting there and not knowing where to pull more from to try and find another place , drive to another place , hope that the other place got accessibility right , they don 't know that trust from a disabled traveler is different and deeper than it is for a non - disabled traveler , they don 't know that our trust given is absolute and when it 's broken it hurts , they don 't know that disabled travelers move about the world in fear of arrival , in fear that their bodies will make them suddenly , like I was , homeless . You don 't understand . " We hung up from the call each angry at the other . She had to control hers , it was her job to stay cool , and she did . I didn 't have to control mine , except to not personally attack her and to stay focused on what happened and why it was important . But the " I understand . . . " statement pushed a button in me that unleashed a torrent that I couldn 't stop or control . We were wandering through the mall in Salisbury when we came upon an exhibit of artwork done by various companies or artisans all which feature a bra incorporated into the work . You can vote for your favourite if you make a donation to the breast cancer foundation . Of all there I found myself really struck by the one that was made of crayons , with the " Broken crayons still color " tag line . In fact it was that line that stopped me in my tracks , I 'd been pushing hard , not the bras themselves . I didn 't even realize what it was until I 'd stopped and noticed the crayon bra along with all the others on display . There was something really powerful and really healing in those words , something that really touched me . I liked the idea that brokenness , even that which can never be mended , doesn 't end usefulness . I liked the idea that healing isn 't necessary for those who 've been wounded in order for them to move on and still contribute and be of service and of value . I don 't know that I 've ever said out loud how I believe that there are some areas of brokenness that are simply never going to be made right again , but that isn 't where it all ends . It doesn 't end with being broken , or even the sense of being broken , it ends with being broken incorporated into a life anyway . This is my experience . There are parts of me , shattered . There are parts of me forever tender to the touch . There are parts of me that are dealt with only by doing and being anyway - doing damns the darkness . I sat there in my chair reading this message over and over and over again . Simply said . My eyes moved from the words to the bra and I couldn 't help but smile . The audacity of a crayon bra , last years winner in the annual contest , having raised money and consciousness and awareness pleases me . He approached me from the front . I was pushing myself to the rest stop up a slight grade in blistering heat . He drew near , said how hot it was and asked if I wanted a push . I told him that I was good and thanked him for the offer . He smiled and wished me a good day and headed on in ahead of me . I was a few feet behind and Joe joined me from parking the car , the disabled stalls were all full and he 'd had to park a distance away , and we went in . After using the facilities we went to get a bite of lunch , it had been a long time since breakfast and we were both hungry . In the line up , just ahead of us , I ran into the fellow who 'd offered the push who was accompanied by his daughter , a young woman with Down Syndrome . Forgive me but my first thought was that this explained why he was so respectful about offering help and having it refused . Not a lot of people do that with the grace that he did . They stepped aside to let us go ahead because they went back to get something to drink . We were through and seated when they were back in the line up to pay . I noticed that his daughter was ahead of him , holding her lunch tray . When she got to the cashier she pulled out her money and gave it over . Here 's the amazing thing . It 's a small thing . But it 's a huge thing too . During the time she was paying , and accepting the change , and putting it back into her purse , she never looked to him . She didn 't look for approval . She didn 't look in fear of having made a mistake . She didn 't look to him for a cue of any kind . She just did what was needed to be done and then picked up her tray and moved on , going ahead , while he paid , to select a table . In the course of my years of work with people with intellectual disabilities I often see something quite different . I often see people who , being constantly taught and constantly critiqued , often look to parent or support provider for approval or reassurance or in slight fear of having made yet another mistake . She did none of those things . It seemed like she 'd also been taught , because all of us , if we have it , are taught self confidence . I realized then that when he approached me , to offer the push , he was alone . She was not with him . She must have gone ahead , not stapled to his side , and gone in herself to a busy rest stop . He and she were separate and independent people together by relationship and by circumstance rather than by desperate need . I don 't know anything about this man , or this woman , but I do know that both of them respect each other and both of them love each other and both of them are comfortable with their own power . There are lots of amazing parents out there . There are lots of wonderful support staff . The results of their very best work is often in what 's not seen , like the absence of a glance , and small acts of complete confidence . It was already pretty hot when we hit the street yesterday morning . I lamented that I 'd used up a lot of energy just getting to the start point of our trip to the museum where I would lecture . There was a long ramp from the hotel up to the street that requires a sustained and difficult push , I 'd done it twice before , and knew I could , but with my shoulders already burning , I was worried about what was yet to come . Crossed the street once and then again to get on the side of the street without construction and did okay , but just okay because the slant really put pressure on my right arm . Then we hit the bricks . The front wheels rebelled and hung up on nearly every one . It was impossible to push through . Joe offered to push but I didn 't want that . I turned around so that my large back wheels would go over the bricks and used a combination of my arms and one leg to propel me backwards . It worked , I had to change which leg I used a couple of times , but I made progress . I write this so far as if I was alone on that sidewalk . I wasn 't . There were lots of people walking , in both directions , all in a hurry to get to where they were going . The sidewalks aren 't wide and there were the occasional bottlenecks as people going one way and people going another had to figure out how to both get around me . Joe , the explorer , mapped it out . I 'm lecturing this morning in a museum just down the road from our hotel . Then in the afternoon , I cross the street and come back a bit to the offices where I 'll be presenting for the rest of the day . I have decided that I 'm going to push there and back . So , notes in my wheelchair bag , Joe beside me , we are heading out on this adventure . I hope I have enough breath to make it through the day . I hope I have the strength to make it there and back . Yoda said , ' try not , do or do not , there is no try ' . . . um . . . I call intergalactic crap to that nonsense , of course there 's try . I try until I do . Or , of course , do not . And Nike , you never ' just do it ' . Please , sometimes fit people think that achieving something happens by a magical act of willing and doing . Let me make this clear if I do it , there 's no ' just ' about it . Yesterday when we arrived at the hotel , the weather was sunny and the air was warm . We got into our room and I suggested that we go down to the outdoor cafe that 's attached to the hotel . We could sit there , have a tea , and enjoy just being out of doors . When you are on a lecture tour it 's mostly indoors , hotels , conference centres and then sitting in a car driving to the next destination . It had rained a lot over the weekend so even those days were spent in malls and movie theatres . Even with all the variety of all these places , the feel of processed air pressing against skin reminds me of those that lived , without breeze , in large facilities , captured for the crime of difference . But , I shake that away , I can 't bear it . We went downstairs and found that there was a long ramp up to the exit which was closest to the outside cafe . I managed it , my muscles worked hard , but I managed it . And I managed a push over uneven pavement to the cafe . I found a table that I could easily pull into and felt quite comfortable . My comfort came from the fact that my back was to the busy street , I looked into a quiet street , under construction . There was no one there to look back at me . I rested there , feeling safe . No eyes to judge me , no comments to be made by passers by . But then , without thinking about it , I turned my chair and went to another table , this time I faced out at all those coming and going on the busy street . I was fully in their view and they in mine . Joe returned , a tea in each hand , and noticed the change of table . I told him that it was a bit boring looking into the empty road . People came and went , doing what city people do , and we sat feeling the late sun , the warm air and the freshness of being outside . We chatted about the day passed and the day upcoming . We talked about our upcoming move . We marvelled at people jaywalking the street with their phones in their hands and their eyes on the screen . Oh to have so much luck that you can rely on it . We don 't and haven 't we decided . But nothing happened . I was left alone to just be a patron sitting outside on a lovely day . I realized that sometimes maybe I 'm turning my back on a world in anticipation of hurt , maybe I give up too much because of that . But enough . I had a lovely time and part of that was simply because I was left alone to do so . It doesn 't happen often and I should just leave it alone and enjoy it . I received some feedback about a presentation I did a little while back where I was accused of fat - shaming myself . I read that comment over and over again . I am not ashamed of who I am . I am publicly out as a fat person . I decry the behaviour of those who act out of a ' right to cruelty ' sense of thin superiority . All of these things jumped about in my head when I read this . I thought back to the presentation and can remember making only two comments about my weight , neither of them suggesting that there was anything wrong or disgusting with me or my body . I 'm not sure who made the comment or what it was that they heard . But I had to think about what they said . I came to the decision that I 'm not going back into the closet about my weight or about my existence as a fat man in a hostile world . It 's part of my personal narrative and it 's well within my rights to talk about it . Mentioning the fact that I am fat is not ' fat shaming ' . Talking about my experiences as a fat person is not ' fat shaming . ' Joking about my weight is not ' fat shaming ' if those jokes are about people 's response to me being fat or my experience of being fat , I avoid joking about any experience where fat is attached to a moral value . It is not uncommon for people to tell me , in comments after a lecture , that I shouldn 't mention my weight . It 's like just the fact that I say out loud who I am , conjures up all the bad things they think about fat people so therefore I should be silent . I won 't . Joe and I had to go to a particular store in a particular mall nearby today . There was something we wanted to pick up for a gift . We arrived , rode the elevator up to the second floor and I pushed out . We headed the way the map told us to go and soon saw the store ahead of us . It was faint at first but I was sure that I was hearing violin music being played . It didn 't sound like a recording , it sounded live . A few feet further ahead I was able to look through glass barriers that allowed those on the second floor to look down through open space , to the first floor . Standing alone on a small stage was a young woman who was playing her violin with unfeigned passion . The music was stunning . Joe , the classical music buff , was able to identify everything she played , I just thought it was pretty and soothing and sometimes oddly compelling . I looked up from the music and saw people rushing around , families with kids , husbands and wives , teens out with friends . They all made their own kind of noise . It didn 't take away from the music . It was like this pure sound was pushing aside the quiet din and making space for itself . Suddenly I got teary . I thought of the woman who 'd checked me into the Marriott hotel in Bridgewater , New Jersey only a few days before . The lobby had been quiet but the bar was busy and there was a lot of noise , and laughter , and one slightly hot debate . Joe stood next to me as I checked in and then suddenly another sound cut through the din , just like this music had , it was the sound of respect . The clerk spoke to me about my room , she talked to me about the services of the hotel , right there with Joe beside me , standing , at her height , and she was looking down at me , it 's just that she wasn 't looking down on me . Throughout her information giving chat , she glanced at Joe to include him , she was welcoming to both , but it had been a reservation in my name and my credit card was used , I was her customer . There on the second floor of the mall , we listened to this young woman play . It was as if the music conjured up this image in my mind to combat my experience of being ' othered ' during my push to the store . People staring and pointing at me , making me feel like I was there for their amusement and to give them something to talk and laugh about . I pushed , hard , towards my destination to get out of there as quickly as possible . That stuff became just noise . That stuff just didn 't matter because it wasn 't , like the music was , beautiful . It was just there . It was just noise . The sound from the stage pulled me to a stop in a place where I didn 't feel safe . It wrapped around me , and then , there was just the music and me and the pictures the music made in my head . When the clerk finished checking me in I thanked her and told her exactly what she had done that I found so refreshing , she treated me as a valued customer . Me . In my body , in my chair , I 'm used to noise . Lots of noise . But her tone and her manner cut through all that and reminded me of what respect sounds like in my ear . In my tradition , we never talked about her . Mary , the mother of Jesus , was given over to the Catholics and we made do with the rest of the family . It was like the leaders of my denomination simply didn 't know what to do with her , how to fit her comfortably into a narrative , because of course , she doesn 't fit easily into the picture of motherhood created in the minds of many . But , there was something about that particular Mary that I found hopeful as a child . I saw her as a mother who loved her kid , with determination and with passion , knowing he was different . He took off on her , as children do , and she had to search to find him . He argued with teachers and debated those who he was supposed to simply bow down to . He couldn 't have been an easy child , today they would put him on medication , to calm down his innate sense of revolution . But she loved her son anyway . Even to his death , she followed him . She must have seen it coming , and she didn 't turn her back on him , didn 't disavow him , he was hers and she loved him . This is easy to understand from a distance but on the ground , when it was all happening , I 'm not so sure it was easy . She , to me , is a role model . To me she challenges , even today , parents to love the kid they 've got . To never turn away from your child even when the world has . Steadfastness in the belief that family matters , that your child 's difference is simply your child 's difference , no matter whether that difference is celebrated or reviled . I remember the very first time I saw a woman with a sign , in a protest march , that read , " I love my gay son . " I wept . I cried for blocks as we marched through a crowd that threw things at us , rocks , garbage , anything they could find on the street . She loved her son anyway . It was possible for the human heart to love anyway . I remember seeing a woman , standing up in a meeting , and demanding that her son with an intellectual disability be given a shot at a future , at an education , at a chance to be amongst rather than set apart . She spoke of his difference . She spoke of her pride in him , anyway . It was possible for a parent 's heart to feel pride anyway . I remember a woman with a physical and intellectual disability showing me a picture of her daughter , a daughter she raised at home , a single mother . Her daughter did not have her disabilities , and her disabilities made some aspect of motherhood more difficult , but she loved being a mom . It was possible for all hearts to love kids , to want the best for them , and to work around the barriers in the way , because there are always barriers . When I was a little boy , just coming to terms with my difference . I knew I liked boys . It was a time of silence regarding who and what I was , I had a picture of Mary , and I imagined she knew of my difference and she knew of my secret , and I imagined she loved me anyway . It gave me comfort . Years later and only days ago , my Mom said that she wished Joe and I could be with her and my brother and his wife for Mother 's Day . I hung up and asked Joe if he heard my mother 's words . They may have sounded like an invitation to a brunch , but what they said was . . . There was noise at the door . I had been sitting having my breakfast with my back to the door . The view was lovely , spring greens abounded , and behind me work waited . At first I thought that the sound was just people coming into and leaving the breakfast room . But it grew and I turned to see the elderly lady from yesterday 's post , sitting in her transfer chair , with the woman pushing her attempting to get her in through the door . The issue was the sill . I had noticed it coming in . It was raised to wheel stopping high , it had sharp edges which were not designed to be rolled over . I 've encountered these enough now as a self propelled wheelchair user to know exactly how to manage them . I need to lean back , lift the front wheels and push . It 's not an easy move to manage , but I do . Frustration was growing on the face of the woman pushing the chair , she was fair slamming the chair into the sill . I could see that there were people behind her wanting in and people in wanting out and she just wanted to get in and get out of the way . But the woman in the chair was holding on to the arms of the chair , tightly , frightened she 'd be thrown off . Then two of the men waiting to get decided to help so they came forward , looking for and getting permission from the woman pushing the chair to grab hold of the arms at the front of the chair with the idea adding strength to pull her in . They leaned down into her space , each of them touching her leg on either side . On the first slam , all they did was add strength to the process and the woman let go a frightened shriek . I called over to them to be careful and then shouted , " Tilt ! ! " The message was received and the chair rose over the sill and they came into the room . Everyone congratulated each other for and this is a direct quote , " getting the chair in . " Sometimes , and this worries me , I can go days without seeing another wheelchair user . On the road , as I am now , we travel from place to place stopping along the way to eat , to do the opposite of eat , to just take a break . Often we will do this at malls or restaurants , places where I 'm fairly guaranteed access to a toilet . The disabled stalls will be full but inside everyone is walking , I 'm aware that many have invisible disabilities and my kinship to them as a member of the disability community is likewise invisible , but that leaves me , pushing hard down hallways and waiting for the accessible stall , feeling quite alone . And then it come , the weight of being the only one . I am sure I am not the only person who has ever felt this . The same is true of most hotels I stay in , most of the lectures I give , most of the people I meet from day to day . I am sitting , they are not . I am rolling , they are not . I am requesting space , they are not . There are times when I completely disidentify with the people around me . I know that I fall into the ' category ' of being a person but it doesn 't feel like that . It just feels lonely . Yesterday I rolled into a pub and there was an older woman sitting in a transport wheelchair , she was slowly eating her dinner . By the setting next to her and the partially eaten plate of food I assume that the person she was with was up and doing something . My pathway through the crowd had me going just behind her chair . I said to her , " Sometimes it 's just nice to see another person in a chair . " Her hand reached out and touched my shoulder , she said , " I know . " Yesterday , when in the lobby of the hotel that the lecture was in , I asked for directions to the meeting place . It was a reasonable thing to do , a big hotel , lots of corridors , and a history of choosing the wrong one . I asked a woman who I was pretty sure would know and she happily pointed the way to me , and yep , I would have gone the wrong way . Then she asked me if I was attending the meeting and I told her I was the presenter at the meeting . She said , ' Oh , with great surprise , and then ' Really ' with either astonishment or disbelief . The constant experience of ' lessness ' in expectations , in possibility and in human status is wearing . I joked back when I didn 't get it about how I liked to jump over low expectations . Now , living with them for so many years , I know that it 's not about leaping over them , it 's about carrying them . The experience of looking out the window and seeing a lowered horizon cannot be easily described . It happened yesterday but started several weeks ago . Joe is having increasing problems with his shoulder . He has an appointment for this to be looked into , but for now , while waiting we 're careful . We 've agreed that for this trip , I will lift and load the luggage like he typically does . I was a little concerned because he 's really good at it and often scoffs at porters at hotels who ' don 't know their way around a piece of luggage ' and Joe often says scornfully . He sets a high standard . So we arrived at the hotel and after rushing in to pee , that 's part of being our age , and then registering , we came back out to the car . Joe was getting things from inside the car , some shopping that we 'd picked up and our coats . I rolled the chair up to the trunk , opened the footrests and got up . I had the cart set right behind the car so I could lift and pull and load in a kind on single movement . I can do this without walking much , and it only depends on my keeping balance , which was helped by my placing my hip against the car . So , the luggage was neatly loaded . I got back into my chair . I was puffed out a bit because thought I 'm doing exercises to be stronger they sometimes don 't seem to be exercising the muscles needed for day to day stuff . I notice a couple , then while seating , who were in the parking lot and staring at me with real judgement in their faces . I thought they should see a disabled man doing all that he could with what he had . They didn 't see that . I would soon find out what they saw and what they thought about it . We disabled people often get the benefit of people sharing with us . I pushed back into the hotel , which was up a long slope , a gentle rise , and then a steeper ramp that lead to the entrance of the building . I was in . Joe was in and pushing the cart . He took the first elevator , I waited for the second , and that 's when they struck . The both castigated me for perpetrating a fraud to get better parking and misuse a parking permit . I was clearly not disabled and the wheelchair must be for show . I sat and looked at them . I was tired from the trip . When they were done I asked if either were doctors or had medical training about disabilities . They said no . I then told them that they were fraudulently representing themselves as people who could make any kind of sound judgement about disability or disabled people . And , as they 'd already used the word , they could fuck off . He he was , slowly , cutting a piece of his pizza . It was clear that while he would be unable to eat it by picking it up with his hands , he would be able to do so by cutting it up into pieces and spearing those pieces with his fork and then taking the food to his mouth . He was with a staff who had turned her back to him to text a message or otherwise use her cell phone , her thumbs flew as she did what she did . She then turned to see that he had started his meal and a look of , this is hard to believe , annoyance crossed her face . " I told you to just wait a moment . " she said . I couldn 't hear his answer as he spoke very softly . " Well , never mind , " she said and took the knife and fork from him against his small protest , and began to cut up his food . " Don 't fuss , " she said , " This will make it much easier for you to get at the pizza faster . " Then she laughed . He didn 't . He looked deflated . When a piece of pizza went astray , he picked his napkin up to wipe his mouth . She saw this and took it from him , she didn 't say anything this time , and neither did he , but he hung on to the napkin and it ripped . She grabbed another one and went for his mouth . She had a firm , ' I 'm helping you ' look on her face . Again he looked defeated . I have no doubt that the staff was trying her best to do her best . I have no doubt that her intention was to give to him what he needed . The only problem is it was she thought he needed . In a brief email exchange yesterday with someone we were talking about this and I stated that the goal in service was to " respect the disability while not disrespecting the ability . " I worked very hard to learn how to get out the door of my apartment building without assistance . It takes both strength and skill , I 'm proud that I don 't need anyone 's help with this . I also know that I need to keep doing it to be able to keep doing it . When away for a week or two working , I always have to try a couple of times to get it right . It really is a case of practice makes perfect . My big problem is that people always want to help me . Yesterday when I was waiting for Joe to come with the car the lobby had 4 people in it . I saw Joe pull up and headed for the door , 4 people saw this and they all began to stand up . I said , " The best way to help me is to not help me . " Three sat done and one kept coming . " I need to do this to be able to do this , " I said insistently and the helper reluctantly returned to his seat . I 'd been to this church before , for Ruby 's First Communion , and their attempt at accessibility , which looked wonderful , didn 't really work . they have cut out a space between pews so you can roll up and be right within the congregation . That 's awesome . But then , they stand a lot , so I was suddenly sitting , entirely alone , in a sea of bums and crotches . I saw nothing . Joe and I talked on the way up and I said that I 'd sit behind the last pew , he 'd sit in the pew in front of me . I 'd be able to see down the aisle and , this time , I 'd see the ceremony up front . Sadie was so excited and nervous . She 'd been told she 'd be the first called up and that thrilled and frightened her . I was in place I could see everything . And then . A fellow arrives late and comes and sits in a pew four in front of ours . When everyone stands , he steps out into the aisle , directly in front of me , and rocks , sideways . Then when it 's time to sit , he steps back into the row and sits down on the pew . I couldn 't see past him . It was getting closer in the service to where Sadie would be going up , I really wanted to see . I edged my wheelchair a bit further over so I 'd be able to lean and see . At this point it never crossed my mind to think of the fellow blocking my view as anything more or less than someone blocking my view . I never thought of him as someone who needed that space and who had a right to that space and who had a right to have his right respected . I was thinking in ways about him that really upset me when done to me . I know better than that . I should have learned from that . It shouldn 't have taken 15 minutes of being bothered by him before I understood that he and I both had a legitimate need for space and that I had to accommodate him in the same way that people accommodate me . The movie started at 10 : 40 so I arranged for WheelTrans to get us there at 9 : 00 . That would give me time to do some laps of the mall , at that time in the morning there are few people there and I can get a good speed up . This particular mall run also includes two ramps up on the run and one large ramp down . Getting over to the place where I run requires going done one long ramp and up another long ramp . It 's fun because I let myself fly down one and then the speed takes me about half way up the other , the last half I do by grabbing the handrails on either side and pulling myself up . I enjoy that . This particular day involves three ramp stories , all of which I want to remember , so I 'm putting them here for me , and you can read along if you choose . We arrived in the bus to find that there is construction going on at the mall and the bus had to drop us a fair way from the entrance . The driver offered to push me to the building and up the ramp and was relieved , I think , when I told her that I didn 't need assistance . I am very big , she was not . It continually pleases me that my strength is such that I can push , even on sidewalks , enough to be pretty independent , even though I haven 't conquered long sidewalk treks . I got into the building and rolled over to ' the ramp . ' It 's a long , steep , ramp that I 've only managed once . That time I rolled close to the handrail and used both the handrail to pull myself and my arms to push myself . It was really hard , but I made it . I tried to go handrail free a couple of times and made it barely a quarter the way up before letting myself roll back . My arms were already tired because I 'd done my weights earlier in the morning but I thought to myself , the point of weight is strength and I wanted to test it yet again against , ' the ramp ' the only one I couldn 't do in the whole mall . I positioned myself in the middle of the ramp , such that I couldn 't reach the rail , I wanted to do this just using my pushing strength . I imagined myself making it , a strangely successful cognitive procedure for me , and then started . The urge to stop , to roll back , was almost harder to push back than it was to push forward . By midway my muscles were screaming , but then determination set it and I inched my way up . My front wheels went over the top and then , I stopped , I 'd used everything . I took seven breaths , like I do when I have to stop doing my shoulder presses because of fatigue and then gave a final push . I 'd made it . I was jubilant . That stands as the biggest victory I 've had in a while . Then it was off to do the run . I pushed over to the elevators and Joe and I chatted about beating ' the ramp ' and finally we were at the two long ones . It was early so I didn 't have to wait . I positioned myself , I do this with care because I fly down that ramp and I depend on the speed to assist me with the ridiculously long ramp on the other side . Down I went , it 's hard not to yell out in glee because it is exhilarating . I hit the start of the ramp up and made it a good distance , I then grabbed the rails and began pulling myself up . This is actually fairly easy , but I know it look impressive . It was here , doing this , that I 'd figured out the difference between watching and staring . People tend to stop and look at my arm , chair and the pull , the mechanics of getting up the ramp . I don 't mind it here , I don 't like being watched get into or out of a car because that seems much more private to me . I 'm a man of contradictions , and I 've learned , that 's allowed . I 'd only managed two pushes around this particular track before but I was moving on to my fourth when I decided to change the pathway . I usually just go around the track , up a ramp , round to the long stretch , down the big ramp and then round the bottom and up a short but steep ramp that takes a lot of energy and then a short push to the start and do it over . There is a ramp I 'd never tried , in the middle of the mall which I decided to try . Never done it before . It 's located , I 'd not noticed before , right beside a Tim 's coffee shop . I got to the bottom of it , positioned myself off to the side leaving lots of room for walkers to get by . I then noticed that the ramp didn 't have those little ridges that all the other ramps have . The help me mark my way up and they help with stopping the chair sliding backwards . Okay , I knew I 'd need to focus on keeping a constant forward movement . I was on my fourth lap , when I 'd never done more than 2 , I 'd already done a lot of ramps , and my shoulders and arms were tired , my back was wet with sweat , but what the hell . Pushing was hard , but I knew immediately I had it in me . Slowly and with constant motion , which can be hard to manage when you have to let go of the wheels , on a slope and grab them quickly again to push forward . Just before the top I glanced over to see that I had the whole of Tim Hortons watching me push my way up . The saw me see them and I got probably thirty thumbs up . When I made the top , I heard a cheer rise from the store . I decided , and this isn 't typical of me , not to think about it in any other way than enthusiasm and encouragement and then I finished the fourth lap . " You 're an odd one aren 't you ? " he said to me after he offered me help , which I refused , to get up and out of my chair to transfer to the car . Now nevermind that I consider that a really intimate service , which I need from time to time when my disability acts up , I think it 's presumptuous to suggest that I wouldn 't have those bases covered . I mean , I didn 't become disabled seconds before and find myself in needing of a help that wasn 't available . I was curious as to how he considered me odd . So , I asked , " In what way am I odd . " " I think it 's odd that you think its odd for a member of a minority group to be an individual person and react in individual ways to situations . I think it 's odd that you comfortably carry around a pathetic stereotype of disabled people and of yourself as the kind saviour . I think it 's odd that you would ask a stranger , who is with another person , to let you touch them . " That last comment was one that I maybe should have reconsidered more carefully but when my dander is up it 's up . He became extremely angry and abusive , he didn 't hit me though he wanted to . He ended by saying that I wasn 't really one of the nice disabled people I was just a bitter fat man that couldn 't walk because of the tonnage I carry . Without much hope I went on the website looking for an accessible apartment . The older we both get , the more we really need a place that we are safe in . I was surprised to find that there was one available , it wasn 't where we were looking , it wasn 't where we had planned to live , but none of that mattered . It was available . We called and set an appointment and Joe went up yesterday to see the place and talk to them about it . He came down in the afternoon and took me up . We 've been here before , looking at accessible apartments and being told that the wait list was very long and , in fact we 've been near 10 years on the wait list in Toronto . I didn 't really want to go because I really didn 't want to get my hopes up . Once there , we were shown around an apartment that was fully accessible and had everything I need to be safe and secure . There are bars where there should be bars , there are ramps where there should be ramps , there are doorways wide enough to accommodate a wheelchair . The poor woman had no idea what the impact of that would be on me . I sat in my chair and I just started to cry . I was sitting in a place that would meet my needs as a wheelchair user . I would no longer feel terror when showering . I would no longer have to be only a semi - participant in cooking , which I love to do . I would be able to use every square foot of the place . They even have a lovely ramp into a back yard . I can go outside ! Shut . Up . Feelings are a weird thing for me . I try to be aware of the feelings of others and sensitive to how my behaviour might affect someone . I don 't always succeed . I don 't always realize the hurt I 've caused until later , sometimes much later . My guess is that most of us are like that . Today I was expecting some bad news . Today I got some bad news . ( Nothing to do with health , people always go there immediately when you 're disabled or fat . ) Now the bad news I got wasn 't as bad as I expected , for which I was grateful , but it was still bad news . It 's like I expected to be punched and kicked but instead got a sound , strong , slap across the face . And right now , right this minute , I 'm not allowing myself to feel badly , or even grieve a bit as a result of getting bad news . I 've got this voice calling me down for having an emotional reaction at all , " It wasn 't like you were punched and kicked like you expected . " " But I was hit , hard , and it hurt . " " It didn 't hurt like it could have hurt , what 's wrong with you ? " Over the last several weeks , my weights have gathered dust . First , I was deathly ill for several days , mostly from an adverse effect of one of the anti - biotics that I was put on , then , immediately upon recovery we were gone on a 17 day road trip . I did exercise during that period , less than I do at home , using some videos and the resistance bands . Let 's not discount the fact that I push myself in my wheelchair very long distances , and much more frequently , than I do at home . So , it 's been a while without weight lifting . This morning I woke up early and the bus was coming 20 minutes later than it normally does , so I had time . I got to the computer , checked emails and stuff and very nearly decided that it would be nice to have another day ' off ' from lifting but , then , I turned my resolve on , and got set up to do my routine . It 's only 35 minutes of 3 reps of 10 lifts of 8 different lifts , I 'm sure there 's a right way to say that , but I don 't know it . In that short time off I found myself really struggling to do what I used to do rather easily . I had to drop down weight for two of the exercises because I simply had lost strength . It was clear which exercises were related to wheelchair pushing and which were not . But , I made it through and then finished up with 45 minutes focusing on the core and on flexibility . Before you took the story to your heart , before you passed it on , did you investigate to see if it was true ? Well I did . and , of course , it 's not true . There is no evidence that this has ever happened . So in the days of alternate facts and wishful truths the narrative about the lives of people with disabilities is taken from us , our voices , our stories , our lives are constantly exploited for the emotional needs of the non - disabled . They like a hankey cruncher , a tissue soaker , a mascara runner , and disabled bodies and disabled stories meet those needs . They need lessons about striving and succeeding against all odds , of course their definition of success and of striving are different than many of us in the disability community , but it matters not , because , of course , we matter not . We don 't even matter much in the story . We are the background , they are the message . The trouble is the actual , real story of Itzak Perlman as a disabled man , a world famous violinist , holds real interest and has within it real messages . Even more problematic is that the real story puts paid to any notion of Perlman as broken . You 'll notice that the story told in the video makes sure you know about his polio , his wheelchair , his crutches and his limp , it has to establish the broken man in order to tell the story , in order to inspire non - disabled to fix their own brokenness . Yeah , a world famous man who has traveled to more places than many of us could even list , if challenged , on a paper unaided by a map , is broken . Yeah a man who makes pots of money is broken . Yeah a man who 's name is synonymous with his craft is broken . But , it begins the story and it plays into the narrative that has been written about us for an audience that doesn 't include us . But back to his real story , take the incident with him arriving at an airport here in Toronto and being treated with disrespect due to his needs as a disabled man and how he dealt with that , for example , tells an important story . But , that 's a story about a disabled person 's encounter with the bigotry and prejudice of the non - disabled . That won 't bring on tears , that will be reacted to with excuses for the behaviour of the airport staff - I know I read the comments . We got off the plane and I told Joe that there was something weird about my footrest . Nothing to do but press on and press on we did , got to the car rental , loaded the chair in and arrived at the hotel . I stayed in the car while Joe checked in and then we went to get some basics for the room . On getting out at the store , my right footrest disintegrated into little bits surrounding the chair . That meant that I had to push around the store holding one leg up while pushing myself . Thank heavens I 'm stronger , I was able to do what needed to be done . At the conference the next day I was alternately pushing myself around with great difficulty , lecturing and calling to find a place to replace the footrest . One of the conference organizers knew someone who knew someone and at the end of the day we were off . The place we went to had one but with a plastic footrest , I 'm too heavy for that so we found another and they had these nice people there who fit us up and charged us just a few bucks . Done . At the hotel there was a long , carpeted ramp , I insisted that I could do it myself , and I could , but it was really hard work . But , that 's why I 've lifted weights and that 's why I 've worked on my skill at pushing . I made it up two and a half times in one day and when I got to my room , I took off my glove to find that I 'd really blistered my right thumb . I was going to have to be careful and yet I had long airport pushes coming up . The morning came and I rolled my thumb a bit when pushing and managed to do okay . Even did the ramp one more time . Joe thought that an ill advised venture , but I get to make those decisions and I made it okay , that reassured me that I 'd manage the airports . Which I did . Done . We get to the car and drive home , Joe and I come up to clear the way of mail and to get me out of the way so he can do what he needs to do . He gets all the luggage up to the apartment and then goes down to park the car . He 's back too quickly . Now he 's telling me that the car won 't start . The rest of the day involves CAA and getting the car to the garage where they will look at it Monday . We 've got the girls coming the next day and need a car . Joe walks over to the rental place and rents a car for a couple days , we rent enough that we have some free day reward coupons so that 's done . But again , we are picturing money flying out the door and into the garage cash register , but I just got a call from Joe , he 's got the girls and they are on the way down . Done . We talked about this , all of this has been dealt with fairly calmly . Joe decided that disability plays a bit of the way that we ' roll ' with things . It 's a life of adaption and problem solving and dealing with the unexpected . It 's almost like you have to either adapt and survive or give in and whither away . Ya just deal . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities . |
I thought it would be a nice change of things to do an interview with a fellow blogger ! The author of Thoughtful Thoughts approached me with the idea , and I thought it would be a lot of fun . I used the pseudonym Molly , so the interview she did with a woman named Molly is IAND . I really enjoyed being interviewed and I hope you find it interesting ! Things started getting very difficult for me when I started questioning my mind . I wondered if everyone else felt as depressed and unhappy in life as I did . I seriously doubted all of my happy - go - lucky friends could feel like I did , and still smile and goof around all day . Life started to wear me down , and I started dealing with long spells of deep depression , and I had no idea how to handle it . My family situation was still rough , and I felt like my friends were mostly superficial and fake . I had had a very hard time with a boy who I yo - yo dated in middle school and high school . I had never dealt with a guy who tried so hard to make me jealous , and my emotions were easily pulled down . The guy I had seen off and on insisted on dating my close friends when we were not together , and loved making moves on them behind my back when we were together . I took it to heart , and felt like there must have been something wrong with me if he felt the need to act like that . I was always blaming myself for everything , and I felt like people always treated me the way they did because of something I had done . I held everything in because I didn 't feel like I had anyone to share with , or knew anyone who could relate to my problems . I started feeling like I couldn 't handle things anymore , and that 's when I started to cut . I don 't know why I thought that cutting was the answer , but at the time , I felt like it was a necessary release . I could beat myself up emotionally , but if I cut myself , I could really feel the pain . I think I was so fazed and numbed by life at that point , and it felt like the only way I could connect to something . It didn 't really make sense then , and I think back to it now , I wonder what I was thinking . Cutting myself didn 't solve any of my problems . In retrospect , I think it made things harder for me . It was just one more hurdle to get over . Cutting didn 't fix the problems I had , or help my emotional pain go away , it didn 't solve anything . If anything , it made me feel worse about myself . It was a bad idea then , and I recommend it to no one , your body is important , you only get one , so you better take care of it . You can 't let people get to you ; you can 't let life get to you . One of the boys I grew up with was teased like crazy for being different . He once told me he started cutting himself because it made him feel something other than rejection . It wasn 't a good way for him to deal with things , and I didn 't know it then , but his adventures in self - mutilation eventually lead to his suicide . When I learned about his death , I started to really reconsider the way I was harming myself . I didn 't want to die . Sure I had dealt with some very depressing times , but I still had hope that better things were in my future . I immediately stopped cutting myself , and never picked up a blade again . I felt a lot better in high school than I had before , but things were not perfect . It seems like I always had a boyfriend , but my taste in guys was terrible . It seemed like I loved a rebel , and asshole guys were my specialty . I dated a lot of guys who made me feel like I should be doing more with them than kissing , and it made me uncomfortable . It reinforced my feelings that guys only wanted sex . I couldn 't figure out why I couldn 't find a guy who liked me as I was , and didn 't want to pressure me to be differently , or think differently . I had my friend set me up with a guy once , he was a friend of her boyfriend , and played football for another school in town . He seemed very nice , and I thought he really liked me . We talked for ages and started dating . We got to go out on a double date for Valentine 's Day , and it was the first time I got to go out on a date . It was also the first time I had a solid Valentine . To say I was excited would be an understatement . I couldn 't find anything good to wear , so I made my dress . I did my hair and make - up as well , a rarity for me . We got to get dinner and go to a movie , but my parents were pretty strict , I had to go home after the movie . When the movie ended , everyone wanted to go over to my friend 's house , but I couldn 't go . The guy just didn 't understand why I wouldn 't go back to my friend 's house with him , and thought that I didn 't want to be with him . I tried my best to explain that my parents said I had to go home after the movie , and left . The next night we were all supposed to go to a school dance together , and I was really excited about this as well . I talked to my boyfriend that day , and he said he would go to the dance with my friend 's boyfriend , and meet me out front . I got dolled up again , and headed to the dance . When I got there I couldn 't find my friend or our boyfriends . I called my boyfriend , and he told me that his parents wouldn 't let him go . I believed him and called my friend to find out where she was . She told me that they were not coming to the dance ; they were going to go bowling instead . I told her what my boyfriend had said about his parents not allowing him to go to the dance , and she told me he had lied . I guess he thought he was getting even with me , and I didn 't hear from him again after that night . I started rebelling because I felt like one bad thing after another kept happening . I was so tired of dealing with all the negative crap . I was having a hard time handling family issues , and trying to balance social pressure , and my own awkwardness . One day I picked up one of my brothers cigarettes , and thought " people don 't get addicted to these , how stupid " . I wanted to do something rebellious I guess , so I lit it up . I was instantly in love with the buzz it gave me . I had never felt like that before , and it seemed really nice . After that first cigarette , I started sneaking out of class with some of my friends who also smoked . We would sneak down to the pool hall by our school , and smoke cigarettes out back . Some of my friends started noticing that I smelled like cigarettes , and I admitted that I smoked . I loved the buzz they gave me , and how cool they made me feel . It felt like empowerment in a stick . Several of my friends got very upset with me about smoking , and lectured me . I didn 't want to hear it , and pretty much blew them off . I lost a lot of friends over the situation , but I didn 't care as much as I should have . I even had one friend tell me she hated me to the depths of her soul , dramatic , but it still didn 't seem to get to me . It was the first time I chose something stupid over my friends . I didn 't want to quit smoking , and loose that buzz , so I let my friends go . It wasn 't the right decision . I should have cared more about my friends , and that they only cared about my health . This was the beginning of a terrible habit of choosing things that were bad for me , over people who loved me and cared about my well - being . It 's part of the mind of an addict . We don 't care what we do to get there , we just want to make sure we get whatever it is that we are addicted to in the end . The mind of an addict is a dangerous place , and choosing substances over friends isn 't personal , we are just so wrapped up in our addictions we can 't see properly . I didn 't see it then , I thought it was just cigarettes , and I didn 't really care , but over the years I chose a lot of bad things over some truly great people . I wish I could have told myself then that it wasn 't going to do me any favors , but hindsight is 20 / 20 isn 't it ? Authors Note : I appreciate everyone who takes the time to seek advice here . Without you , I couldn 't keep this going , and I am so grateful ! It has been so amazing to see everyone put their two cents in , and I feel like we have really started something interesting here ! Thank you everyone for your supportive and thoughtful comments and advice for all the participants ! If you 'd like to get some advice of your own , don 't forget to head to the Advice Section ! Thanks ! My ex - boyfriend and i were together for four years when we broke up last year in January , when he suddenly decided we weren 't meant for each other . We go to the same church , so basically getting over a break up was hard , I would always see him . In December we met again , and he told me he found out he had a son and he had that son when we were dating ( basically , he was cheating on me ) . He told me he loved and wanted us to get back together . We talked for a while , but now he isn 't calling anymore . Should I move on , should I just assume this is it ? Did he just want to use me and play with my emotions ? How do I move on from him when I see him every Sunday ? There is also another girl in the church , and I feel like they are going out but he denies it even though the girl acts as if they are . Should I just back off ? Getting over a break up is always difficult , especially when the relationship lasted four years . Having to go to church with the guy seems very difficult ! I know it must be so hard seeing him , but maybe it is time for you to let it go . He obviously didn 't respect you enough when you were together , if he was out having a child with someone else . He had to cheat on you to get that baby , and that is not fair to you . If he didn 't treat you right in the first place , I don 't think he will treat you right now . It also sounds like he may be leading on another girl , or even dating her . Either way she obviously thinks something is going on between them , I doubt she made up some connection out of the air . I would be wary of any man who cheated before . In my experience , if he doesn 't treat you right the first time around , it 's never going to get better . I have gone back to the same person time and time again , hoping things would get better , and I only got hurt worse in the end . Give yourself the foot up , and steer clear of this toxic guy . ] If you have to go to the same church , stay away from him . If it means you have to sit in the back because he is up front , do it . If you 're not around him , he can 't reach you with his drama . If your church offers more than one service , consider attending a different one . If it is just too hard on you to see him , try going to church with a friend who goes to a different one , until you feel like you 're up to seeing him . If you still talk to him , you should stop . It sounds like he is pretty good at getting to you emotionally , and he will probably try to pull on your heart - strings when he realizes that he no longer holds some power over you . Be there for yourself and steer clear of him . You don 't need someone in your life that hurts you , and leaves you feeling clueless and confused ! How do I tell my husband that I 'm on the verge of asking for a divorce because of the way he treats the kids ? He 's not violent but his attitude is atrocious . He lectures the eldest while the youngest gets away with everything . Nothing my older son does is good enough , and it 's causing him to be depressed to the point he 's said he 's wished he were dead . Dear Preferential Husband , It must be so difficult to deal with your husband when he makes your kids feel like this . Have you tried talking to him about the negative impact it has on your children ? I grew up with parents that treat my youngest sibling like he can do no wrong , and it really affected how I looked at the world as a child and even now as an adult . Do you have any idea why he is so hard on your oldest child ? Is he trying to get him to strive for more , and just approaching it the wrong way ? Or does he really feel like your kid just doesn 't do anything right or well ? Is he easier on your youngest for being the baby of the family ? Or is he truly just preferential ? I would try talking to him about his reasoning behind how he treats the children . If you feel like you can 't get through to him , or just need help , look into counseling . Maybe you need someone on the outside to help you both asses where you are at , and how you feel about things . No matter what , I would seek help for your oldest . Suicide is not a joke and should be taken seriously . If he doesn 't have any good answers , or you have already tried talking to him or simply feel like you can 't , maybe you should get the divorce . Just be sure that this is really what you want , and that this is really what is best for you and your family . Before you suggest a divorce I would make sure that you have things in order . Divorces can get ugly and I would hate for you and your children to fall on hard times because you 're trying to get away from a bad situation . Do you have family or friends that you can lean on ? Look to your support system for help , and maybe even talk to the people you trust the most before you decide to go through with this , and if you do , talk to them about what you should do next . There is no happy way to go about a divorce . It is the end of something that was promised for life , but if it truly is a bad situation , you need to get out of it . If you feel that you can discuss a divorce safely with your husband , you should . Approach Authors Note : Suicide is never the answer . It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem , and will not solve anything . If you or someone you know has had , or are having suicidal thoughts , I encourage you to find someone to talk to . Seek help . You are loved and unique , and the world needs you here . If you don 't think anyone cares , I do . I think the world is made of beautiful , unique , amazing people , and it would be a tragedy to lose anyone to such an unfortunate end . By the time I started high school , my view on boys was pretty screwed up . I had grown up having had mostly negative interactions with guys , and I was pretty scared because of it . When it came to my dating life , I was probably pretty difficult to deal with . Having been molested , I had little trust in the male race , and I thought that every guy was out to get me . My first crush was over one of my parent 's friend 's son . We hung out together a lot since our parents were friends , and we were often joined by the daughter of another couple . I remember being pretty good friends with the girl , and we both had crushes on this boy ; he was pretty good - looking , and a year older than us . Looking back on the situation now , I can clearly see that he played us both , even though we were kids . He used to sit between us and whisper in my ear about how much he liked me . I knew he was also telling my friend the same things , but I thought he was just trying to make her feel better . I 'm pretty good at convincing myself to see things in a better light , if you hadn 't noticed ! Things never got to crazy , but I did kiss him a few times . He was my first little girl crush , but I let it go pretty well in the end . Eventually our parents just didn 't hang out as much , so we stopped seeing each other . I didn 't expect it to come back to me later in life . During my last year in middle school , my supposed friends down the street had their way with me again . They dressed me up and paraded me around their house and had a few friends over . One of them just so happened to be the boy that I had a crush on as a little kid . I tried my best to seem cool , but I 'm sure I just came off as quiet and awkward . After they left , I told the girls all about my old crush on this guy , and how we used to be really good friends when we were kids . He was a pretty popular guy and still good - looking , so the old crush came right back . My friends told me that he had a girlfriend that they went to school with , but she was a really crappy person . They told me several bad things about her , and I really felt like I should hate her . The girls got it in their head that they were going to help me catch this guy , even though he had a girlfriend . I went to a different school then they did , so I didn 't know her , and I convinced myself that she was a bad person , so it was somehow ok . They dolled me up again , and reminded me just how pretty I would be if I wasn 't so heavy . They invited this guy over , and we hung out in one of the girls rooms listening to music , and hanging out . I was pretty shy and quiet , I didn 't have a clue how I was supposed to handle myself in front of guys , let alone guys I had a crush on . I about had a panic attack when both of the girls found an excuse to leave the room , and leave me alone with him . He started making small talk , and then caught my attention when he said something about how the girl told him I really liked him . I didn 't know what to say and I probably just sat there with my mouth open looking confused for a minute . He must have taken that as a sign , and he quickly came and sat next to me . Before I knew it he was kissing me . The girls came back pretty quickly , and we all hung out a bit longer . We also took some random pictures of the four of us goofing around , and hanging out . I gave the guy my phone number , and told him to give me a call , and we could hang out sometime , and the night ended . This guy never called me . It was pretty hard , I was young and I thought he really liked me . I felt like I had known him for a really long time , and he should have called . I thought I had done something to make him not want to call , and I was pretty hard on myself . I thought that him not calling was just about the worst thing ever , but I was very wrong . My so - called friends were apparently not very fond of this guy 's girlfriend , and had pretty much set the whole thing up . After we all hung out that night , they had gone to his girlfriend , and told her all about how he was secretly dating another girl . They went so far as to show her the picture from us all hanging out , but they had omitted most of the pictures with them in them , incriminating me and her boyfriend . I guess she was pretty pissed , and broke up with him over it . He thought I was in on it , and was pretty pissed at me as well . This was the end of my friendship with these girls . It was one thing to have a guy hurt you , but it was another thing to be hurt by people you consider friends . I couldn 't believe that they had used me like this , and I was upset with myself for following along . I was angry at myself for hurting another girl , and I was very sad over the loss of my friends . Real friend would never use someone like that . I had also had a taste of what it was like to ruin someone 's relationship , and I really felt like a jerk for taking part in that . I learned that it was never ok to cheat or to help someone cheat , someone always gets hurt , and that 's not cool . It also made me re - evaluate what I considered a friend . Friends don 't hurt friends , and they certainly don 't use them in their plots against others . I understand the bullying and the keeping everything inside . My school days weren 't very different , although I do not have boobs ! I am no longer in school , but it has forever scared me . I still have anti - social behavior and I don 't have many friends . None outside of work . What do you do ? How do you look for friends ? It 's very hard to get away from your anti - social behavior ; I think a lot of people act this way to protect themselves from getting hurt . If you want to have more friends , you 're going to have to be willing to put yourself out there . I recommend facing every situation with a smile . It is really hard to be mean to someone who starts off by giving you a smile . Kill everyone with kindness , it might sound silly , but people are much more receptive to kindness . Strike up a conversation with just about anyone , it might be hard to get out of your shell , but you will probably find that you have something in common with just about anyone . I find that anti - social people often come off as stuck up , people think that you 're being anti - social because you think you 're better than them , or something to that effect . Since you 're less likely to open your mouth and let people know about you , they are more likely to make assumptions about you that may not be true . The best thing you can do is love yourself . If you are happy with who you are , you will be more confident , people are really attracted to confidence . Since it sounds like you had a hard time growing up , your self - love may not be so great . Work on accepting yourself for everything you are , and aren 't . The world is full of different unique people for a reason . It would be so boring if everyone was the same , and I think you 're pretty awesome for being different . Embrace your flaws , they make you unique and they make you who you are . If you love yourself , others will follow . Go hang out somewhere that you really enjoy , and spend the day just talking to people , some people will blow you off and be jerks , the world is full of them , but that 's ok . It is only their insecurity showing . Hopefully you will connect with some new people , find some common ground and go from there . You both like art ? Ask your new friend if they want to go to a museum with you next week . Be proactive , it 's like a first date and you 're the guy , you have to be willing to make the first move , and hopefully you won 't get rejected ! Rejection is part of life however , and if someone blows you off , you didn 't want to be friends with them anyway , so consider yourself lucky to have weeded them out so quickly ! Keep your chin up and just keep trying ! I 'm not sure if I 'm asking for advice or what , but just I 'm letting you know I admire what you 're doing , it takes a lot of guts . My brother was molested when he was younger , but he was living with my grandparents because my mom couldn 't handle him anymore . It was a retarded guy who lived in the nearby area , and more is being revealed as i get older . He 's all over the place emotionally and he decided drugs were the thing to help him , if not just get him through the day . There 's been a shift lately though , and he is clean and he feels better . He is seeing a psychiatrist to find some meds that can help him feel normal again . He 's been diagnosed with bipolar / borderline personality disorder , all sorts of other things . It makes sense , but he was just a boy trying to figure out what was wrong with him , and he tried every method available . He just tried negative ones , and they all lead him to one addiction or another . The only trouble he got in were cries for attention , like going to rehab , or getting some woman to pay a train ticket to Montreal , where she would wire him money , and he could party for a while . He got to Montreal and didn 't have a photo id , so he couldn 't get the money , and was stuck there without a dime . He was 16 , but the adventures he 's been on , and the quest he 's been out for was to feel good . He just wanted to feel good , so i could never stay mad at him for long when he didn 't get along with us . He was violent when he was younger , he did live with us off and on , but it was too late , and the damage was done . I don 't think he ever felt accepted . I tried telling him , to do what he had to do , but I 'm always here for him , and I always have been . He 's been there for me too . I hope this time around he sticks to his guns , and stays positive when things get tough . Life is harsh sometimes , but it doesn 't have to be bad , or stay that way . When i was a bit younger , maybe 5 years ago , I went for a mental evaluation , to see if there was anything wrong with me . Sure i smoke pot , and - Confused It sounds like you carried a lot of weight on your shoulders as a child . It can be very stressful always being the " parent " sibling . It takes a lot of effort to make sure that the people around you are taken care of , and I am sure you didn 't have as much time to worry about yourself . Acting as a caregiver can really force you to grow up , and see the world in a different light . Maybe you were robbed of your childhood because of this ? It also seems like you grew up in a world where things seemed fairly out of control , which might cause you to act more controlling in your adult life . It seems like you have a handle on your anger , in a sense that you know when you need to get away , but have you figured out why you are so angry ? Maybe if you can get to the root of your anger , you will be able to get a better hold on it , and not always have to flee ? It sounds like getting help has done a lot for your brother , maybe you need someone to speak to , an impartial person who can just listen while you get it all out . Bringing things to light , and understanding them can do amazing things for the soul . Just because your brother and sister had different traumas then you , doesn 't make yours are less important . You still had to grow up under the same circumstances , with the same people . Maybe your wife having issues was too hard on you , after growing up with your siblings , and always having to help them . Was it too much to have that in your marriage as well ? If you 're not emotionally stable in your own mind , you will never be able to help someone else get or stay emotionally stable . Maybe you both need someone to talk to . At the very least you seem able to clearly see where your upbringing was flawed , and now that you have a daughter of your own you can do you 're very best to make sure that she is brought up differently . Things may or may not get better with your wife , but you have to come to terms with yourself before the two of you will really be able to hash it out . It sounds like you have a very good head on your shoulders , and I think you can do really well and go far . Turn your experiences into something better , and grow from them . I really think you can figure this out , and feel better about yourself and your life . I 'm sure times are hard , but they will get better ! Thanks to the amazing comments and feedback I 've received about my posts , I have decided to create an Advice / Questions page . I don 't promise to have all the answers , but I will do my very best do give solid advice , and answer questions honestly . I 've experienced so much in my life , and it would mean so much if I could help other people ! I 'll take your questions about life and just about anything you have gone through , or are going through , thanks so much for taking the time to fill out the cool form I made : ) Please feel free to head that way and fill out the nifty little questionnaire I made ! Then make sure to check back often for updates , or FOLLOW us ! I can 't do this without your help and participation . I need you to help me get this started , without your stories , and questions I can 't get this off the ground ! Middle school wasn 't as easy for me as elementary school was . I was capable of getting good grades but I stopped applying myself . I was still somewhat active in school activities , and I was involved in a few clubs . I had a few friends , all awkward like myself . Several of the kids I grew up with also went to middle school with me , but it wasn 't necessarily a good thing . When popularity became important to many kids , others were left behind . Several of the kids I grew up with were part of the popular crowd , and very quickly created a distance between me . Being associated with an unpopular kid isn 't very socially acceptable in the power struggle known as middle school . I struggled with kids that made fun of me . I often wore my brother 's hand me down clothes and never acted very girly , so the other girls loved to make fun of my clothing and hair , and lack of any style what - so - ever . It was difficult to feel like I mattered or was worth something . I thought that if so many people said the same mean things , they must be right , and I really was just a loser . I had that mindset for a very long time . My parents started to get frustrated with me when my grades started slipping . My mom just couldn 't understand why I didn 't work harder . She told me that my life was so easy , and that I needed to stop being lazy . I started feeling like no matter what I did , I wouldn 't impress them , I used to get good grades , and they didn 't care so much then ? Some of the girls who lived on the street were popular , and a year older then I was . I had been friends with them for a while , and we hadn 't gone to school together until then . I went to them and talked about the problems I was having at school and with my family . They told me they would help me , but I couldn 't talk to them at school , or everyone would know they were helping . I was obviously a pretty gullible child , and thought they had a great idea , and would really help me out . One night the girls decided to doll me up and take me out . I remember them telling me I would be so pretty if I wasn 't so fat . Some friend 's right ? I thought it was a compliment and tucked away the fat part for later thought . I let them put make - up on me , and do my hair , it all went really well until we tried to find something I could wear . These girls were tiny , and I had some meat on my bones , so everything they tried to put me in looked terrible . Every time I looked in the mirror packed into one outfit or another , my heart broke a little . I felt huge . I had never felt like there was anything wrong with my body before then . Clearly I was wrong if I couldn 't fit into anything cute right ? I ended up wearing some silly wrap dress that would accommodate my size . We had a fun night in the neighborhood , hanging out with other kids we grew up with . I was just the girl they brought along , that sat quietly out - of - the - way while the popular kids were hanging out . I still felt pretty and I thought I had a good time . It 's funny what you can convince yourself of as a kid . After the girls made me over that night , I felt like a different person . Not because I looked different on the outside , but because I felt like I was finally starting to see myself . I thought I was a fat , ugly girl , with no friends . For years after this I struggled with image issues , I still do . I know they probably meant well with their comments , and make over , but it only reminded me how different I was compared to them . I started comparing myself with other people I looked up to , and I felt like I always fell so short . Why couldn 't I be pretty , thin , and have friends too ? I know so many beautiful women who have some serious issues about how they look , or how big they are . It is so sad to think that society helps beautiful people feel validated by putting down people who are different . People come in all shapes and sizes for a reason , and no one should ever make another person feel like they are not just as beautiful as anyone else . |
I know it 's been a while since I 've posted anything . We 've been busy with Christmas coming ( tomorrow ! ) not to mention chasing the little man around . And cleaning everything up . The other day we had Spaghettios for lunch . He insists on eating his food with a utensil in hand . He might not use it , but he has to have it . Most of the time , he has to have 2 or 3 . A week ago he woke up and we were at Miss Amy 's house when I noticed his eye . It was goopy and crusty but not pink . He 'd had a runny nose for a little over a week but I thought it was closely related to the 2 front teeth he has coming in , just in time for Christmas . But the eye thing had me a little concerned . The Dr . wanted to see him so later that morning we went to visit the pediatrician . Turns out Samuel has an ear infection in both ears ! Yuck ! For 13 months we have avoided any ear infection that Kevin and I seemed to get so frequently when we were his age . But we can avoid it no longer . One lesson I have learned from this latest round of antibiotics : The strawberry flavoring is Samuel 's favorite so far . He 's not into the bubble gum flavor . This evening we decided to take Samuel to see Santa and have his picture taken with the man in red . As it turns out , Bass Pro Shop was hosting the big guy and giving away free pictures with him . I was a bit fearful of the potential disaster this was going to be , seeing so many photos recently of children Samuel 's age crying through the whole experience . But , as stated so many times before , we have a trooper on our hands . He was a great little guy , smiling and even waving goodbye ! While we were at the store , we thought we could play a little . . . A little random , but this is video of Samuel eating lemons for the first time . Last week we were blessed with some early Christmas blessings when my dad came for a week . While he was here he offered to help make my house more of a home ( thank you ! ) and he had some help in the process . What a good helper ! And what a fabulous red wall ! Thanks so much grand - dad ! Laughing and playing with Grand - dad . There are some of the sweetest sounds in this video ! And it 's cute how he tries to copy what he sees . As of Tuesday , December 17 , there have been casualties of the Christmas variety in our house : 1 Baby 's 1st Christmas hand - painted glass ornament1 Christmas TreeI have to go buy some super glue to try to repair the ornament . And our Christmas tree will probably be leaning against the wall until after Christmas when trees are marked down . Imagine , Christmas morning with a leaning Christmas tree ! Note : Invest in a gate to protect the Christmas tree and its shiny ornaments . And , even if you do put the " touchable " ornaments on the bottom for little hands to play with , those same little hands like to pull and will pull a tree down . This pulling down of the big Christmas tree makes all breakable ornaments up higher on the tree just further from the floor and quite unsteady . Samuel is expecting a cousin in mid - April and we are delighted it 's going to be a boy ! Samuel can 't wait to perfect his new tricks like spitting and throwing food so he can teach to his cousin . Congrats Morgan and Andy . We are all excited and know you are too . We ( sans Kevin ) had the pleasure to go to Maryland for Thanksgiving . Some things just aren 't right and Thanksgiving isn 't " Thanksgiving " unless it 's at my parent 's home . It was nice to get to visit with my brother , sister - in - law , and my grandparents for a few days . Samuel was spoiled , it doesn 't take long for these things to happen . It was very cold ( to me ) . I knew it was chilly when stepping off the plane , I could see my breath . The trip there was bearable since the flight was barely half - full . The worst thing that happened : Samuel knocked his applesauce onto the floor , including enzymes , which splattered up and onto the bag belonging to the guy sitting next to us . And on his pants too . So embarrassing . The flight back , Samuel fell asleep in the airport and stayed knocked out for MOST of the flight . The last 45 minutes he woke up and realized he needed to make up for lost time . He wanted to crawl down the aisle , which was not acceptable . When that couldn 't happen , he screamed , became a noodle , and tried to get down . By COMPARISON , he was excellent . By my standards , he 's had better days . Samuel is getting brave ! He 's walking with one hand on the couch or the other day he was walking while holding on to my hand . Some people are encouraging Samuel to just get up and walk . These are not people who live in this house or would otherwise have to chase Samuel around the house / church / grocery store / neighborhood . . whatever place would apply . But he has been standing up while leaning against the couch , face out , and it really won 't be too much longer . Last week I accidentally erased the video of him walking with his tractor . I was able to get new video of that yesterday and am posting it before I erase it this time ! This is 2 minutes of him going back and forth with his tractor . He will do this for a lot longer than 2 minutes . He goes and when he can 't go straight anymore , he walks to the other side and goes backward . Back and forth , back and forth . Last time I wrote about when I dropped Samuel at Miss Amy 's , I said he couldn 't have cared less that I was leaving . This past Friday I dropped him off and he actually waved to me as I was walking out the door . Next week I am expecting him to get out of the car and carry his own stuff in and say , " Please mom , you don 't have to come in . " And then the week after that he will be driving himself there . He 's mad because I won 't let him have the camera . I should just give it to him and let him finish destroying it . The buttons have somehow gotten sticky and now I have a rough time turning the silly thing on . Thankfully , Costco has some on sale now . . . Still mad . . . If you read lips , you may be able to tell he is saying something like " nooooooo " or whining something similar . We are getting ready to go to Maryland for Thanksgiving ! Samuel and I are very excited to see all the family that will be there . I 'll be sure to take lots of pictures of Samuel bundled up for the cold . That will be fun ! I just realized that he 's wearing the same thing in all these pictures . It 's not because he doesn 't have clothes to wear , but they were all taken Saturday morning , just before breakfast . We really do change his clothes . Signing out . . . It 's hard to believe it 's been a year . For over a year now , Samuel has had enzymes with every meal . That 's a lot of pills ! He 's had vitamins everyday . He 's had breathing treatments most of those days . He 's such a trooper , but to him , he doesn 't know that other kids don 't do that . He 's been really getting into his breathing treatments . He knows he can 't win the fight anymore so he enjoys the silly songs we sing for him . When he sees the mask , he actually puts it up to his face for a few seconds . How fabulous ! In the past year , Samuel has had it pretty easy , considering what we are up against . He 's only struggled with pneumonia once and the constant battle hasn 't been anything more than keeping his weight up . He hasn 't had one hospital visit or long stay at the emergency room or clinic . All in all , we 've been very blessed . He is a very happy boy who loves just that : being a boy . He likes to get dirty , be in control and not sleep . He really enjoys getting into news things ( i . e . trouble ) and climbing the stairs to go back down them . When I look at him sleeping in his bed , it 's amazing how big he is getting ! I am so blessed and have so much to be thankful for . So , what 's Samuel been up to ? Well , some people would like you to think he was the one who coordinated the jail break yesterday , but he told me he was trying to stop it . Miss Amy had the windows open and turned the corner to see one and a half kids out the window with Samuel holding on to the legs of the one who was on his way out . Like I said , he told me he was trying to pull him back in , but you can believe who you would like . The high chair must be a comfortable place . When he can 't even stay awake for some chicken nuggets then he must be extremely worn out . The other day I had some great video of Samuel scooting around with his tractor . Then I went to a baby shower and was deleting old pictures and deleted the video without uploading it first ! So , I have to record him doing that again soon and get it up . He looks like a little old man walking along . It 's great ! WPosted by Wow ! It seems like since Samuel 's birthday his personality is developing so fast ! In addition to walking , with the help of his John Deere tractor , he is really starting to test the waters . While I 've been working with him to learn the sign for " finished " , he will only sign that he is finished when I ask him . And I can usually tell when he is finished because he starts throwing his food in the floor . Cute at home because Lucy is eager to be on the clean - up crew , but obnoxious at a restaurant or friend 's house . That being said , Sunday morning he was eating pancakes for breakfast . While he was eating , I was making a pot of coffee for myself . ( Yes , a pot ) . I looked over to see him throw a piece of pancake overboard and then watch Lucy gobble it up . Just as he was reaching for another piece , I said to him , " Samuel , don 't throw your food on the floor . " He looked at me , and while making eye contact , dropped another piece over the other side . He is such a stinker ! This is his latest discovery : He is also doing just great at Miss Amy 's house . Kevin has been dropping him off more frequently that I have but I had a turn last Friday . He was so eager to play , he couldn 't have cared less when it was time for me to leave . On my way to work , I called Kevin and said " He 's supposed to cry when I leave ! It 's supposed to be harder than this ! " We both knew he would adjust well , just not THIS well ! : ) He has so much fun at Miss Amy 's , playing and doing a daily project . I have Samuel 's project on the wall in my kitchen . Soon , we won 't need to paint or buy any expensive art to hang on the walls since they will be covered with Samuel 's handprint turkeys , trees , pumpkins , or whatever else he is working on that day . He is so busy there , he only has time for 1 nap . Sometimes , it comes a little early . Poor guy . . . Kevin and I don 't know whose kid this is as neither of us ever remember falling asleep while being served a meal . ; ) Kevin and I are bracing ourselves for a big growth spurt . Samuel has had a cold for the past few days and didn 't sleep wPosted by My little boy is growing up . Yesterday was his birthday and all day I kept remembering what I was doing at that moment a year ago . Samuel 's grandparents ( Erica 's mom and dad ) were able to come visit for his birthday so he got extra spoiled and didn 't have to go to Miss Amy 's house for a few days . For his birthday we had some friends and family over for some cake and ice cream . We watched him play in / eat his cake and attempt to play with the gifts he received . He was so sleepy by that time , there were about 2 that he was fascinated with . All in all , it was a great time . Thanks to all who could make it or otherwise shared in the celebration . On his big day , Samuel figured out a new way to get to things he 's not supposed to have . We have a lamp and some glass coasters on a table in the living room . He 's not allowed to play with these things . Yesterday , Samuel figured out how to get to them in a new and exciting way : go the back way . This is him leaving the scene of the crime . Today I saw the funniest thing . I saw a Hawaiian surfer on a John Deere tractor being attacked by a bear ! Who would have ever thought ? I have finally uploaded some pictures from recent trips or local adventures . Tennessee was great and the photo ops were plenty . Some of my favorites : our golf trip . There is a local farm , Schnepf Farms , where we took our youth group a few weeks ago . If you are looking for some great entertainment for your family or group , I highly recommend it . There are so many things to do there for all ages : rides , corn maze , train rides , hay rides , food , pig races , petting zoo . . . so much to do . We got started a little late but still enjoyed ourselves . Just get your tickets at Fry 's Food first and save $ 2 . . . . always important . Samuel has been doing great at Miss Amy 's . No more tears all morning like the first few days . He 's got some great friends over there in Delaney and Timmy . The other day Timmy even got up from Dora to welcome Samuel there for the day . I can already tell a difference in how he interacts with other kids , even thoPosted by My first day back to work . It was a good day for me . I started working again . I am officially a " working mother " . Not to say I wasn 't before . . . aren 't ALL mothers working ? At any rate , back to the office I go . Not such a great day for Samuel . He stayed with his friend Delaney and her mommy , Miss Amy . Poor Miss Amy . Samuel cried for most of the day , wouldn 't eat , refused to sleep , and from what I understand , made the other kids cry too . Is it possible Samuel will be asked to not return ? Never . Delaney loves " her Samuel " too much . : ) Just an update on Samuel 's health : Last week he had a fever ( see previous post ) . He had a chest x - ray . On Saturday evening I got a phone call that I wasn 't prepared for . The technician and doctor had found something in the upper right lobe of Samuel 's lung and they couldn 't explain what it was . Something was there , whether a mass of tissue , fluid , or pneumonia . After worrying a little and praying a lot , we met with his pediatrician today . Doctor says his chest sounds great ! And he suspects , even though he hasn 't seen the x - ray , that the mass / haziness in his lung is just pneumonia . He was treated for pneumonia last week so we are already half - way through that treatment and Samuel seems to be doing OK . He still has a cough , which I am expecting him to have that for a while . Thank you Jesus ! Silly as it may sound , I 'll take a diagnosis of pneumonia over a " mass of tissue " any day ! I realize I 've not posted new pics lately . It 's not that I don 't have them . . . We got wonderful pictures in Tennessee ! Just , the camera is downstairs and the computer is upstairs and , I think you can see where I 'm going with this . Maybe tomorrow . Thanks for checking in and praying for Samuel ! As I write this , I can hear Kevin saying " You need to go to bed ! " but he isn 't here tonight so I stay up and blog . : ) I 'll pay for this later . . . I 'll pay , mainly because sleep has been elusive this week . Monday and Tuesday mornings , Samuel woke up early and the only consoling he would accept was to lay in the family bed , between us . OK , fine . We just got back from a trip , I thought . He should be over this soon . Right . Tuesday afternoon I was playing with him in the floor and when I picked him up , I immediately noticed his back felt very warm . I took his temperature and he had a low fever . I figured it was because he is getting a new tooth ( # 2 ) . Being like most other moms , I gave him some Tylenol and took him to the grocery store . Later that evening , after the pediatricians office closed ( it always happen like that ! ) his fever was higher , like in the 102 's . He was really not himself and just miserable . Kevin and I struggled with the decision : do we wait until the morning and call his doctor or do we take him to urgent care ? I waited until Kevin was in bed to decide that we needed to go to the clinic . Really , I didn 't but it just worked out that way . Sorry , Kevin . We got there around midnight and after 2 pukey shirts , 1 chest x - ray , 1 throat culture , 1 mid - night call to the PCH pulmonologist and a prescription for antibiotics , we got to go home . It was about 3 am . Wednesday was miserable as I struggled to give him enough fluids , clean up those fluids when they came back , then try to feed him and keep him comfortable . It 's heartbreaking when he looks at me , crying and says , " ma - ma - ma - ma " . BUT , his fever broke last night , thanks to many prayers of our friends and family ! And today , he 's back to his old self : digging through the cabinets and climbing the stairs . In fact , today he made it all the way to the top and half - way to the office when I caught up with him . When he sees me coming , he crawls as fast as he can like he 's running away . As funny as it is to watch , we are really trying to discourage that behavior for wPosted by Someday soon , too soon for me , Samuel will figured out he doesn 't need to hold on to the couch to get around . He 's already mastered crawling and is quite comfortable climbing the stairs . Scary . ( I 'm sorry this is sideways - I can 't figure out how to fix it . It 's not long so you shouldn 't get too bad of a neck cramp . ) We 'll call this one " Not too big for his britches " . I had put him in a new pair of jeans the other day and I went to see what he was doing . . . his britches were falling down ! He ended up getting down and crawling right out of them ! I have a nudest . He crawls away mid - diaper change as well . He 's such a stinker ! Lately , Samuel has been making this funny noise with his mouth , smacking his lips sorta . The other day after lunch I thought I 'd take a minute to record him doing it . He did for a little while but he got distracted and had other tasks to do . It begins at about 1 minute and I 'll let you guess what it is . : ) Usually Samuel enjoys bothering Lucy and she usually leaves him alone . Sometimes they play together and it 's so cute . And USUALLY , Lucy doesn 't like Samuel to get in her food and bones . However , she is learning that he is very generous when handing out bones ( 1 for you , 1 for me ) and sometimes they share food ( YUCK ! ) . But Samuel has recently started reaching for things higher in the pantry . The other day I had the door closed but not all the way . It didn 't take too long . . . And then . . . One last thing . I finished " The Book " ! It 's not the best work I 've ever done , but it 's finished and Samuel likes it . He drags it around on the dirty floor ! But I 'm so glad it 's finished . I 'm so proud . I 'll have to take a picture of it and post it . Thanks for checking in . I 'll update later in the week as we have Samuel 's " CF Annual Visit " tomorrow . A few weeks ago I was telling about collecting a sample from Samuel and mentioned it would be easier to start potty training . The more I thought about it , the more I liked the idea so last week we started . Well , I started . I was working with him every day . Friday was the day . On Friday , Samuel peed in the potty . He did on Saturday too ! The first time it happened , I was so surprised ! He was so slick about it and I hadn 't even noticed until it was time to get him up and I almost spilled it in the floor . But by Saturday , he knew what he was doing . Then Saturday evening we tried again , just before bathtime . Not so much luck then . He peed in the bathtub . Close . . . it 's in the same room , right ? I 'm so happy that we are getting a head start on this . Not only is it Potty time , but it 's Party time too ! I 've been working on Samuel 's first birthday bash . It 's not really a bash , just some friends coming over for cake and ice cream but it will be a bash to him . That 's about all that 's going on around here right now . Will keep updating as things change . This is so cool and I am so excited to be able to share with you . I 'm working on something big . BIG big . Well , it 's big to me . I 've found this site , onetruemedia . com and I think it 's fabulous . If you know about it already , just keep those comments to yourself . I want to think I was the one that discovered this on my own . Samuel 's first birthday is just around the corner and it seems like that should be about the time I should start fund - raising for Team Samuel 's participation in Great Strides 2009 . For a while I 've been thinking about a video for Samuel and this site allows me to do it . . . for free . Yes , free . I love free stuff ! And this allows me to put my photos , home videos and choice of music together just as I want it done . While I 'm not finished this latest project , you can be assured it will be posted here to be the next big viral video . First I need to finish " the book " ( see post titled 9 months ) , a sweater while I 'm still excited about it and this silly diaper kit I purchased a while ago . Oh who am I kidding , I 'll stay up all night editing , tweaking , and rethinking my choice of music and it should be complete by 2 am . But first , for real first , I need to go make dinner . Hungry husbands aren 't very sympathetic to those of us who are too creative to make dinner ! : ) Stay tuned ! EricaP . S . No , they didn 't pay me to say any of this stuff about their fabulous site , but they should ! While we were out of town we got a letter from PCH wanting to schedule a " CF Annual Visit " . This is a time to meet with all members of the CF team to discuss Samuel 's past year and set goals for the coming year . We should plan on being at the CF center for 2 - 3 hours . That appointment is set for October 7 . However , prior to the appointment , Samuel needs several tests . He needs lots of bloodwork , a urinalysis , TB skin test and a chest x - ray . I figured these things weren 't going to take care of themselves so last week I started making appointments . This morning he had all his bloodwork and TB skin test taken care of . I felt bad doing this in one day , in one morning , but it 's all done and we don 't have to get more pokes . Samuel did GREAT with the pokes . I honestly believe he hates being held down more than he hates the sticks . As for the urine and x - rays . Well , the x - rays can be done later this week . We don 't need an appointment for them . And the urine . . . This afternoon we tried for the urine test but boys don 't aim very well and he 's even worse at peeing on que . To help this process , the lab gave me 2 collection bags . The idea is to give him a drink , lay him down for a nap with the bag strategically placed to collect what he releases during his nap . When he wakes , you empty the bag into the cup and all is done . I had the right idea , I guess . Drink ? check . Lots to drink ? check . Nap ? check . Bag placement correct ? I didn 't have a diagram to follow but I 'm confident that 's a check . Bag ' O Pee after a nap ? Not so much . See , the diaper and the bag were competely dry after the nap so I left it in place thinking " He has to go sometime ! " About 1 / 2 hour to 45 minutes later I could smell that he had indeed peed and thought this process could be over . I laid him down to carefully remove the bag and the sample and change the diaper that had caught what was left when the bag was filled to the brim ( yeah right ) . I was a little disappointed to find the diaper was soaked and the little plastic bag had worked it 's way from the designatPosted by I know I have been very lax in my posts recently . I 'll blame it on catching up after " vacation " . But we are still here and there is so much to add . It might get done in several posts . I 'll put all his medical news in another post . So Samuel is now getting into everything and gets mad when I put the gate up to keep him out of our front room . Tonight he climbed an entire staircase ( supervised ) at Bishop Hudson 's house . At our house , he 's done the first 3 steps to the landing , then stopped . And , what 's great is he knows how to back down them to get down . He hasn 't tried ( yet ) to go down head - first . But he is training for the speed - crawling event for the 2010 Olympics . I 'm sure he 'll qualify . Last week , when he started the stair climbing , I left him for a second to get his juice and when I came back he had crawled from about 3 feet away and was sitting on the bottom step of the stairs facing the second step . I was gone for about 5 seconds I 'm sure . He 's also starting to copy what he hears . Such as , I cleared my throat the other day . . . he did too . He was making noises , I made the same noise , he did it again . He 's even trying to say uh - oh when I do . The lesson : I need to stop calling people idiots when I 'm driving . The last post I said he 's got a tooth . Well , he 's getting another one right next to it . He 's been smacking his lips for over a week trying to suck it through . It 's cute when he makes a fish face for sucking so hard ! I also told about his silly face . Well , I have multiple pictures of the silly face , or toothy grin , as I like to call it . He 's such a silly ! We keep Lucy 's dog food and bones on the floor in the pantry . Under normal circumstances Lucy would NOT take kindly to Samuel messing with her stuff . But there is always an exception to the rule and today was it : While we were in Virginia , we had the opportunity to take Samuel to the beach for the first time . It was dusk but it looks like we were there in the middle of the night . Maybe Kevin couldn 't see the waves coming in and that 's how he got his pants soaked . Yeah , I 'm sure that 's what happened . : ) Samuel liked the water once he was used to it . This pic is the first wave touching his feet and the second after this was captured , he started to cry . But only for a second and he was ready for more . He really wanted to sit in the sand . . . Also while on " vacation " we started to have some issues with going to sleep . Thank heaven for swings ! I don 't know what I would have done to get him to sleep that night . I remember I put him in the swing then went in the other room with my mom . Kevin and my dad were in the same room with Samuel . I heard him stop crying and the silence turned into 5 minutes . I said to my mom , " Samuel is asleep . " I turned the corner and he surely was soundly asleep . Speaking of sleeping in funny positions . . . Today I went in to check on him and he had fallen asleep in some yoga - type pose . His legs were crossed and he was bent at the waist on top of them . On the way down he caught the crib bumper pad and squished it for a little pillow . I felt so bad for him being all twisted up but then remembered how much I enjoyed being in that position when I was pregnant with him . He gets it honest I 'd say . Some other fun stuff : So much to say and nobody understands : Samuel has one tooth and another making it 's way in . I noticed the first one at the airport a week ago while we were waiting for our flight . Since it was delayed 3 hours and we didn 't have anything else to do in the Phoenix airport , I was trying to keep him entertained and as tired as possible so he would sleep on the flight . A few days before , I thought I had heard a tooth scrape across a spoon but I could never see anything . He was also just not himself . He wasn 't grouchy , just there . But at the airport , I could feel it and was so excited ! I wanted to go over to the microphone at the gate and announce to my fellow passengers " My son has his first tooth ! Finally ! " but I just turned to another mom making conversation and shared the news with her . Thankfully , she didn 't think I was crazy . Since we have been here he has started showing signs of having another break through . By the time we get back home to Arizona he should have 2 teeth . He is also an avid crawler . He is really getting around quite well . You know your son crawls too much when the tops of his shoes and / or socks are dirty from dragging on the floor ! While we are away , I 've been fortunate to have access to my e - mail while away . I get weekly e - mails regarding the growth and development of Samuel based on his age . Well , this week I got e - mails from 2 different sources regarding communication . Both sources encouraged parents to curb the baby talk . Do you hear the angels singing Hallalujah ! ? I believe teaching baby talk is confusing for a little one learning so much . I think of it like this : Imagine you were told the color red was actually blue and blue was orange and orange was really yellow and yellow was brown and brown was green and green was blue . You would have to relearn your colors . Well , if we always referred to a " bottle " as a " baba " then he would have to relearn this thing that gives him milk is really a bottle , not a baba . When giving him his bottles , I try to call it milk , not bottle , since milk comes from a bottle and juice from a cup . All thisPosted by Samuel has been a real character lately . He has a really cheesy grin that he likes to give and it is so funny and cute . I haven 't been able to snap a photo of it yet because he won 't hold that pose but I 'm sure I 'll get it sometime soon . Lately we 've been having to put at least 2 binkies in his crib with him . Somehow he throws one overboard and needs the other for backup . But sometimes he will have both . And when he does the show begins . He will lay in his bed , binky # 1 in mouth , and hold the other one in front of him . He sees binky # 2 in hand , spit binky # 1 out and insert binky # 2 . Then he 'll pick up binky # 1 , spit out # 2 , and insert # 1 . The process repeats until he gets bored and falls asleep or we laugh too hard and he gets distracted . The other evening he was having a snack in the floor and finally decided to share with Lucy . He is such a good sharer but Lucy needs help with her sharing . When he realized he wasn 't getting his snack back he wasn 't happy at all . He has since shared his stuff with her from the comfort of his high chair ( I think he likes to see her jump up and get it from his hand ) but hasn 't been too upset by it . While Kevin was gone to Show Low one evening , he missed some of Samuel entertaining himself . Luckily , I was able to capture THAT on video and share with him and all of you . The hard part is deciding which video to post as he did this for quite a while . Has anyone else been inspired by the Olympics ? I have . Seeing people set a goal and work every day to achieve that goal is inspiring to me . What have I been inspired to do ? Besides stay up late watching , well , gee , I can 't quite say . I 've done some extra crunches lately and made an extra effort to trim some money on groceries . Now that I think about it , I think that last one is more of a necessity than anything else . I guess the thought that people who raise their kids and go to school and work just like you and me can achieve some level of superhumaness ( that is a word created in our junior high class and I think it is appropriate here ) . They can live right down the street from us and for 2 weeks every 4 years their name is on our lips like they are super stars . And they are , I don 't want to take anything from them . But thinking about it , greatness isn 't difficult to achieve . Whatever you wish to achieve , just set your mind and never never never give up and you will be a superhuman champion in your own right . Good luck and God speed ! Happy Friday ! Today was Samuel 's IPL ( Infant Pulmonary Lab ) and it finally happened ! It wasn 't as bad as I had expected . I had told my mom " the beatings will commence at 1 : 00 " . But there were no beatings . I woke Samuel up at 7 this morning and gave him a bottle before he couldn 't have any more milk . We played until about 10 : 20 , when we went to the grocery store . I figured getting him out of the house and doing something would be less painful . He fell asleep on the way to and from the grocery store , which , luckily , is only about 2 miles away . He TRIED to go to sleep on the way to PCH , which is about 20 miles away , but Kevin and I did everything we could think of to keep him awake : rolled the windows up and down , honked the horn , sang action songs , and even did the cold wet washcloth to the face , neck , arms and legs . If you have ever said to your child something like " One day you will WANT to go to sleep and I won 't let you ! " well , today was that day for me . Samuel has been fighting sleep for the past few days and today the roles were reversed . While it was funny some of the time , it wasn 't a party . In the end , I felt cruel . I felt like a terrible mommy . While at the store , he was really starting to get sleepy . I 've never seen him act the way he did there . He actually laid his head down on the shopping cart and closed his eyes ! Every fellow shopper commented on how sleepy he looked . However , the store employee must have thought I was crazy when I was crying in the baby food aisle . She said to me , " Boy , somebody looks sleepy ! " and I replied , through my tears , " I know and I 'm having a real problem with it . " Surely she was thinking " sheesh , lady ! just let him go to sleep ! " but thankfully kept her crazy mom comments to herself . After the morning , Samuel finally got to get some rest at 1 : 30 . To make sure he was sleeping soundly , the doctor gave him some medicine to make him relaxed and sleepy . He was out cold at 1 : 35 and the test started at 1 : 40 . It lasted for about an hour and we got results soon after it was complete . ForPosted by No , I 'm not running for office . But my mom and I made * some great grab bags for a contest . The more votes we get , the better our chances for some fantastic prizes ! So vote early , vote often . Pictures are below . Vote here . Thanks ! * I may have helped my mom a little . Not that she isn 't capable of doing something so wonderfully fantastic , I was just trying to be a good daughter since she has other things going on in her life . I love you mom ! It 's Thursday at the time of this posting and Samuel is scheduled for his 2nd attempt for a pulmonary function test tomorrow . If you are a faithful follower , you may remember we attempted this back in the spring with no luck . Samuel wouldn 't fall into a deep enough sleep for us to begin the test . We have a few tricks up our sleeve for tomorrow , such as awake at 5 : 30 and no naps . BUT for a fun - loving boy who doesn 't like naps anyway , this could perhaps be the best day of his life . This test is to provide us with a starting point . It will give us some baseline results for comparison in a few months and years . We know Samuel likes paper at the doctors office . Well , he likes just about any paper . This is just a cute video taken at the pediatrician 's office . . . before the 2 pokes . I got an e - mail yesterday . The subject was " culture results " . It might as well have said " We need to talk " . You know the feeling . You know you are supposed to read it and eventually face the music but are a little scared of what it might say . Well , after reading a few other e - mails , I worked up the nerve to open and read this : Hi Erica and Kevin , Just wanted to let you know that Samuel 's culture just grew a " scant " amount of Staph aureus . It is the normal staph that is on our skin , etc . Not the resistant kind . He has grown this in the past . No change in treatment . That wasn 't so bad . I was relieved to say the least . One more culture that we don 't have to worry about ! Thank you Jesus ! Now on to the fun stuff . Look what Samuel can do now ! Just who is teaching him all these moves ? Once he is standing up , and while Lucy is barking you can hear Samuel purr . He rolls his tongue all the time . Even when screaming , he rolls his tongue . I 'm glad I got it on camera . I 've also been asked to give more more more pictures . So here we go : Samuel , nosy Samuel , as his fate walks through the door : the girls who gives the " pokes " . Posing , I promise . Big muscles ! We took Samuel to PCH today for a follow up visit . He is 28 . 25 inches long and weighs in at 19 pounds , 9 ounces , just at the 50th percentile . This is a slight problem as the CF team would like to keep his weight up around the 75th percentile . To help pack the pounds back on , we are going to increase his calorie intake by making his milk more concentrate . It 's usually 20 calories per ounce ; we will make it 24 calories per ounce . Part of the issue is Samuel is sometimes too busy playing to eat so I am going to try to feed him more frequently throughout the day . Samuel has also been having a problem sitting still long enough for a breathing treatment . It wasn 't a problem when he slept most of the time because we could hold a mask to his face for 10 minutes with no problem . Those days are no longer . We are going to use a MDI , or inhaler , along with a spacer to give him the inhaled medicines . This will take much less time than before . He just needs to have the mask to his face for about 1 minute total and should be much more " doable " than before . Like the last visit , he enjoyed playing with the paper on the table , but was really interested in the cords on the wall . He was too little to understand he was sitting on the back of a hippo but we all agreed one day he will think that is so cool . The hypertonic saline study has been put on the back burner again for reasons I am not sure of . We were going to wait until Samuel began participating in the study to try to complete his pulmonary function test ( PFT a . k . a . IPL ) again . However , since we don 't know when that will be , we need to do the PFT soon . We will attempt to do this again in about a month , I would guess . We have to go visit everyone in Maryland and Virginia first ! Samuel will go back to PCH in 2 months , which I am sure will feel like 2 weeks . Just think , in 2 months , we will be preparing for his 1 year birthday ! But before birthdays and PCH , we go visit his pediatrition on Monday for a well - baby check . Well - baby = shots . Throat cultures at one place , shots at the othPosted by Already ! It seems like we were just at PCH yesterday . But we are going again tomorrow , Thursday . Samuel is doing OK and this is just a follow up visit as we have to check in every 2 months . I 'm not anticipating any problems except for his throat culture . I 'm sure he 's going to have some bugs in there . We 'll see what he grows this time . I will post again tomorrow with a summary of the visit . And hopefully something newsworthy will happen between now and then . Have a wonderful day ! Samuel is 9 months old today ! So what are we doing to celebrate ? Well , we went to Stroller Strides for the first time this morning . It was fun and Samuel enjoyed it . I have a week of free classes to decide what I 'd like to do and I 'm going to take advantage of it ! The class starts at 8 : 45 which is just about the time Samuel is starting his morning nap . He wasn 't too upset by that this morning . He just slept longer when we got home . Samuel has been up to lots , lately . I 'm not sure if I have mentioned it before , but he says da - da , ma - ma , he frequently sucks his thumb when there isn 't a binky around . He can pull himself up with minimal help , he can feed himself small pieces of food like fruit , cereal pieces , Baby Mum - mums ( yummy ! ) . When in his bed , he enjoys playing peek - a - boo with the bumper pad . His latest act : Yesterday we went to SanTan Village with the hope that Samuel could play in the water area they have for kids . It was a good idea but too many other people had the same one . It wasn 't a problem that there were lots of kids there but the breakdown started when the kids that were there could walk , talk , scream , shove , push and generally be bratty , selfish kids . . . not very good share - ers . I am taking him back tomorrow when I have a little bit more people power . We are planning a play date for our kids . It may surprise you to know I enjoy a good story about poo just about any time . Now , I have pictures to share , so be warned . Just poo , no booties . : ) Samuel loves the jumparoo . It 's nice to put him in there while I 'm in the shower because I can see him enjoying it while I 'm in the shower . This is usually how it works in our house , if I don 't shower while he 's sleeping . So when I got out of the shower the other day , I had to get the camera , for this is what I saw : Yes , it ran down the back of his leg and dropped on the floor where he stepped in it while jumping , pushing it down into the carpet . When I wanted to share with Kevin he said only me and Kate ( Kate Gosselin , of Jon & Kate plus 8 , who takes pictures of her children with their first poo - poo in the potty ) enjoyed poo so much . In the crafting world , I have finished the bag and need to get the pictures taken and loaded so voting can begin . And now I am working on " the book " . It is an activity book for kids with several pages for them to learn things like zipping a zipper , tying a shoelace , jingling bells , fastening buttons , you get the idea . I figured a book like this at the store would probably cost about $ 15 or so . At last check I have spent way more than $ 15 on supplies for this book . I had better get busy working on it or I 'll be in big trouble ! I had better get back to life . I need to shower while Samuel is sleeping for fear I 'll have another incident as described above . |
Saturday morning . It was another beautiful day . I had brought along my coffee maker in the event that I had access to electricity . There were multiple outlets in the park 's picnic shelter , so I had my first really satisfying cup of the trip . Instead of making breakfast I just prepared a protein shake and a food bar . The tent is always a little wet in the morning from the dew and the ground , so I began to take it down . In the middle of that task I got talking with Pam and another camper . My new lesson : empty the tent before you collapse it . I think the distraction of the conversation made me forget what I had been doing and I went straight for packing up the tent . You can get your things out , it 's just awkward . All packed up , I took one more look around the campsite and realized that I had not taken advantage of the rack full of courtesy bikes that you could ride in the park , or into town if you liked . So , I grabbed a bike and pedaled the two blocks into town . checked it out and went back to camp . It was a nice amenity , in an all - around nice park . Just before I got to Maiden Rock I saw a big banner next to a county road that read Maiden Rock Camping Fest or something like that . I turned on to a winding road that climbed up and up into the bluffs until I hit a plateau and found the party . There were tents and campers and lot of people and a parking lot full of cars . Some women were doing yoga in a nearby patch of grass . About 50 people were sitting at picnic tables waiting for the noon lunch . I found what looked like an official welcoming booth and said that I had seen the sign on the highway , and asked what was happening . The gals working the booth said lunch was being served in about 10 minutes . So I bought a ticket for $ 5 . 00 began talking to the young woman next to me . I asked her if this was a pretty popular campground . She seemed surprised by the question . She told me that she was petty sure that this was private property , but that once a year the owner opened it up for this camp out . Most of the people here seemed to know each other . I didn 't see any other touristy types . Lunch was served : A ham sandwich ( with cheese slices if you liked ) potato chips a giant cookie and a glass of cold milk . Not bad for $ 5 . 00 . I filled my plate , walked back to my car and retreated down the windy road back to the Highway . I 'm pretty sure that was a semi - private party . Back on the Highway I drove into Maiden Rock . They were having their summer festival . I pulled in to the municipal campground which was just behind where the activities was taking place . Of course I had already eaten , but it was a hot day , and this the the party I was actually looking for , so I bought a beer and sat down . I began talking with a woman who said she and her husband were camping at the park and liked coming here . Her name was Penny . Her brothers named her . She said she went to a Catholic school when she was young and the nuns refused to call her Penny . Her mother got a call from her teacher complaining that she didn 't answer when they called on her . Her mother asked what thy were calling her and they said they were using her full name , Penelope . Her mother said , if they would call her by her real name she would answer . They finally relented . Penny invited me to see their camper and meet her husband . This campground was also on Lake Pepin and was very nice . Penny 's camper was really nice too . I told Penny about my earlier party crashing , and one of the guys visiting with Penny 's husband finally figured out that I had been at the old rod and gun club . He said he thought it belonged to the VFW or the American Legion now . He had no clue about the celebration , and he was from Maiden Rock ! The parade was starting in ten minute , so Penny and I grabbed a couple of chairs and went up to main street . I think the parade went three blocks . It was 20 - 25 minutes long at most . Perfect . The kids ended with huge bags of candy , and since they shut down the highway for the parade the line of cars that had to wait for the parade to be over was almost as long as the parade . Time to go . I said goodbye to Penny , stopped at one of the tents long enough to buy two pieces of barbecued chicken to eat later at home , and traveled the rest of the way up the river to Prescott , WI to Hastings , MN to St Paul , MN to home . What an adventure . What will I do next ? Well , I have tickets for a Trump Rally in Cedar Rapids , IA tomorrow . I 've never seen a sitting president . I woke up surprisingly refreshed . I was annoyed by my cowardice , but pleased at the rebound . I actually liked sleeping in the tent . I gathered breakfast paraphernalia , table cloth , coffee , cookware , cook stove , dishes , matches . . . . . uh - oh . I lost track of the matches . I went down the hill to the fire pit and they were there on the ground . I hadn 't seen them in the dark . When I picked up the box it was wet and one side was a little slimy . I turned it over and there , hugging the flint was a leech . Ick . When the camp owner stopped to see how I had slept he seemed a little disappointed that I had had trouble due to the noise . Still , he could see that I was happy with the site . I asked for another box of matches which he cheerfully supplied . I had brought my own water from home , so the first thing I did was heat water for coffee ( instant coffee . After all , I was roughing it ) and then made scrambled eggs in my new frying plan . I discovered that I had forgotten to bring salt . I checked the pocket of the cooler . Paul had always packed the cooler , and he often included napkins , silverware and packets of sugar and salt in a zip lock bag . Sure enough , 3 packets of salt . I miss him . I " broke camp " and headed back to Durand to catch WI Highway 25 south to WI Highway 35 which runs north / south along the Mississippi River . I took some county roads so that I would come out closer to Durand before getting on to Highway 25 , and thereby avoided the flag persons . Ha ! The Wisconsin countryside in that area is breathtakingly beautiful . These are picture postcard visions of the dairy farms that provide the milk that makes the state famous for it 's cheese . The trees and crops and grass were lush and green . I was trying to decide if I would camp another night as I had planned . I still had no phone service and a lot would depend on the weather report . About an hour later I arrived at Pepin , Wisconsin , one of several small towns that sit on Lake Pepin , a renowned recreational lake . In fact , across the water on the other side , a bit north of Pepin was the town of Lake City , MN known as the birthplace of water skiing . I had recently driven Highway 35 and had noticed more than one sign announcing municipal campgrounds in several of the towns . I thought Pepin was one . There was an inviting restaurant right on the highway . It was nearly noon , so I stopped for a California Burger and fries . A bonus , in addition to being able to eat outside , was that they had wi - fi . I sent a quick text to the kids ( they like to keep tabs on me , for some reason ) , and then checked the weather . 40 % chance of rain / thunderstorms . Hmmmm . Now that I had experience as a tenter perhaps I should extend that experience to " difficult conditions " . On the other hand , 40 % chance of rain also meant 60 % chance of no rain if my math was correct . I decided to go for it . I couldn 't find a campground in Pepin so I continued up 35 . I didn 't see anything at Lakeport , but in Stockholm , right in town , was a sign saying " campground " . I made a left turn , toward the lake , and there it was , the kind of campground I had envisioned when I planned the trip . Situated right on Lake Pepin , with a large grassy area in the middle for tents , and a friendly camp host , Pam , it was perfect . Pam told me to fill out my registration envelope , put in the money and drop it into the box , and she would show me around . It was only 2 : 30 in the afternoon but there were already 10 - 12 campers and RV 's with their awnings and electrical hook - ups in place . There were no tents , but I would be in the circle of activity . I chose a spot in the middle of the knoll , away from branches that could break off in a wind and right across the road from Pam 's camper . Pam rolled a metal firepit over to where I was and said , put it anywhere you like . If you brought wood you can burn that or you can buy some . Whatever you want . Pam and her husband were taking care of their 4 grandchildren for a week , so there was a lot of activity across the road . They were good kids and I enjoyed the lively atmosphere . I set up the tent and got out my crossword puzzles and other books and kicked back and enjoyed the day . Before long a young couple from Eau Claire , WI , Sam and Josh , set up a tent across the knoll from me . They were very friendly and said they 'd watch out for me . Sam said she grew up in Plum City , WI and Josh was originally from LaCrosse , WI . They said they really liked this campground and came here often . I was pretty sure their well - behaved , 1 year - old black lab , who slept in their tent with them , would warn us all of anything that went bump in the night . We had a brief rain shower , maybe 5 minutes , which cooled the air . My tent did not leak . I made a light supper , enjoyed a campfire from the gift of wood from both Pam and Sam and Josh . When I pulled into Menomonie a wonderful thing happened . It 's called phone service . Relieved that I could now search on line for a campground , I found two listed . I decided to go for Twin Springs Camping . My phone could actually take me there ! It looked okay . There were a number of RV 's , and I could see at least one tent as I parked by the office . It was privately held . The sign said it had been under the same owners for fifty - two years . It showed it 's age a bit , but I could hear kids having fun at the pool . A sign on the door said " ring the bell and come in " . Inside a tall man , who looked like he could be the owner , was getting up from a chair in front of a TV in the living room and he met me at an office area right there in the house . His wife stayed in front of the TV . I told him of my experiment in camping , filled out a registration form and asked if they took credit cards . He said they did not , they were old fashioned that way . Cash or checks would be welcome . I told him I was rather old fashioned as well , I tend to carry cash . I pulled out a couple of twenties , we settled accounts , he gave me a parking pass for my mirror , and said he had just the spot for me . We went out the back door of the house where the office was , went to the right side of the house where there was a lovely , level site with a table . He pointed out that there was a fire ring at the base of the small hill behind the site . He said that would be mine to use if I wanted it , but they only allowed wood that I bought on - site . He said I could pull my car right up next to the tent , and the bathrooms were only three sites away . There was a camper one site from me , but I did not see anyone there . I thought they might have taken their car into town for supper . I thanked him , pulled the car forward and began to set up the tent . That went well . The weather report included no rain . The sky was clear . It was calm and the temp was a pleasant 75 degrees or so . In other words , a perfect night to camp . I ate a salad for my evening meal . It was about 7 pm by now and I gratefully hit the showers . The bathrooms were aged , but clean . Two flush toilets , two showers and two sinks . I hadn 't really recovered from that hot round of golf , and there was very little breeze , so the shower was welcome and refreshing . I checked out the camp a bit . The owner had pointed out a path , so I walked to the lake , or the " Twin Creeks " perhaps , else why the campground name ? No activity around the camper next door . I saw one person use the restroom . I assumed that activity would pick up as the day wound completely down . I want back to the office and asked to buy the firewood . A campfire seemed like a nice touch . My son - in - law , Jeff , texted on Friday and asked if I had forgotten anything . I had . I thought I had packed matches , but could not find them , so I went back to the office and the owner graciously gave a whole box . I had a fire starter along , and the wood was dry and burned well . It was pretty dark by the time the fire settled down to a few embers , so I gathered my things and went back up the hill to the tent . Earlier , the camp owner 's wife had come out of the house . She drove around the camp on her golf cart , and went back inside . Other than that , the one girl at the bathroom and the owner were the only people I had seen . There was still no sign of anyone in the camper next to me , and I could not see any other campers from where I was . I got ready for bed , climbed into the tent and got to thinking . I was really pretty isolated here . ( I could have done that in Durand ) . No one knew where I was . I had never mentioned going to Menomonie to camp . I thought I should text the kids to let them know where I was . No phone service . I tried to sleep . I was pretty tired . Golfing and setting up camp had worn me out . Since Paul died I have never failed to lock my doors . I would get up and check if I couldn 't remember locking them . There are no locks on a tent . Worse , the campground was only about a mile from the interstate , and there was a constant drone from the cars and trucks . There is no muffling of sound when you are in a tent . To top it off , about the time I became lulled by the highway sound a train would roar along breaking the pattern ( the railroad tracks turned out to be right by the highway . ) The sound would not have been so annoying , but it blocked my ability to assess any sounds that might be immediately nearby . Rattled I took another look at my phone . It had been going in and out with rare , but occasional service . In my increasingly nervous musings I realized that I had paid cash . There was not even a credit card trail to tie me to that camp . I have a big imagination . Why had I told the guy I was carrying cash ? The phone had two bars . I quickly texted the kids about where I was and even got a text back saying they appreciated knowing . The bars promptly disappeared . I had always had a back up plan if I was unable to give myself over to sleep . I climbed out of the tent , went to the bathroom , climbed into the car with my pillow . I closed the door . Instant silence . I locked the doors and dosed off and on checking out the surroundings each time I woke up . Nothing happened . No animals around the tent , no cars coming in from the highway , no people wandering around in the night . Still no neighbors , but about 4 am I thought , " This is stupid . " I climbed out of the car and into the tent , and slept like a baby until 8 : 00 am . I left at 10 : 00 am , destination , Durand , Wisconsin , a small town about 90 miles from here . Durand was home for the first 5 years of my married life . Our oldest three boys were born there . All went well until I came to the other side of Plum City , Wisconsin . With only 13 miles to go to get to Durand I was flagged down along with a whole long line of cars and trucks . They were paving the road between the two towns . The flag girl held us in check for fully 19 minutes . It was hot on Thursday , so the wait was fairly miserable ( I am stubborn and rarely use my AC . Summer should feel like summer ) . Eventually we were ushered through the one - sided road and I rolled into Durand around noontime . Before I left I had asked my search engine , " What is the best place to eat in Durand , WI ? " The first place listed was the Corral Bar and Riverside Grill . Even though I was pretty hungry , I wanted to check out the camping area in the park at the edge of town . Doris was right . All 14 tenting spaces were unoccupied . There was one RV parked in the RV section , but I did not see any people in evidence . Okay , there would be a place to camp if I made a decision to camp in a relatively deserted spot . The Corral Bar and Riverside Grill lived up to their reputation . Their deck overlooks the Chippewa River which was running high , covering a road behind the restaurant and lapping at the basements of the downtown businesses on that side of the street . The golf course was my next destination . I am a medium to poor golfer , but I like the game and , like many golfers , have just enough really good drives and chips and putts to keep me playing . The Durand course was the first place I ever golfed . Several members had invited me to join a ladies league . It would be almost thirty years before I played again more often than about once every ten years . It was a very hot day . I was pretty tired when I got done with nine holes . I headed back to the park , hoping to find a nice collection of campers there so I could get on with setting up my tent . One deserted looking RV . Since Paul died I have never forgotten to lock the doors before I go to sleep . You can 't lock a tent , so I was hoping for safety in numbers . Camping in Durand was more than I could do , so , hot , and already a little tired I decided to check out the County park near Plum city . Remember that road they were paving ? Twenty minutes after being flagged down , I continued on Highway 10 until I saw a sign pointing to a county road that led to the park . It was well marked at the highway , but became a closely guarded secret after that . ( One frustration on this trip was that I almost never had phone service the whole time I was gone . That meant no digital directions to anything . ) I drove that county road back and forth looking for a clue , and finally , retraced my steps to a town I had gone through . I pulled over and asked a couple of guys if they knew where the park was . They were sitting outside of a bar in the little town of Arkansas , WI . They looked at me and then at each other and then back at me with that vacant look that pretty much says that , no , they did not know where the county park was . " No , I don 't think I know where that is , " said the more vocal of the two . I tried the road again and saw a man in his driveway and asked him if he knew where it was . He gave me directions , and before heading out I asked if a lot of people used that park . He said , " Yeah , on holiday weekends it 's always packed . I asked what about on a Thursday ? " On Thursday ? " he mused , " Well , on a Thursday you might be the only one out there . " I could have done that in Durand . He told me to try Menomonie , a bigger town about 20 miles away . I headed back to Highway 10 toward Durand to catch Highway 25 to Menomonie . Only 18 minutes with the flagman this time . Once the cooler is packed I am ready to go . Yesterday I set up the tent in the front yard with the help of various neighbors who were passing by ( mostly taking their dogs for a walk ) . One said , " Let me send my husband over . He 's good at this stuff . " So , I had a live tutor instead of a digital one . His name is Tom , and he brought me a tarp for under the tent and told me the key was to make sure the under tarp was smaller than the tent floor to keep it from attracting rain , and to fold the tarp 's edges under so that moisture would roll off the sides and away from the tent floor . He made me fill and actually fire up my Coleman stove , a nifty little one burner appliance that I trust will keep up me supplied with hot coffee and soup . He instructed me on where , especially , to apply the seam sealer to the tent , showed me a clever door at the base of the tent that lets in an electric cord if I have a site with electricity , approved my hatchet , and reminded me to take an extension cord . He said he used to be a Boy Scout Leader . My gain . Yesterday I bought a small cast iron frying pan . The box said to be sure to season it before use . That 's all it said . Fortunately we live in a digital world , so I asked my search engine , " How do I season a cast iron pan ? " Apparently a lot of people know how to do this . I don 't know if I have ever had my oven on 500 degrees for one full hour . They said the fire alarm may go off so turn on the fan and open the windows . Fortunately it is a pleasant 70 degrees today , so that worked out . It seems that you season a pan by making sure it is very dry and then rubbing it from top to bottom with Crisco or other cooking oil and then placing it in the aforementioned heated oven for one hour , after which you turn off the oven and let it cool down in the oven for another hour or so . Done . Next I located a small , nearby town that has a city park with 14 tent spaces in it 's camping section . The website gave a number to call at the city hall . It warned that if you made a reservation you had to pay upfront , and if you did not give them a week 's warning you forfeited your deposit . I want to go on Thursday , two days from now . I called the number and , after hitting " 1 " for camp reservation I spoke with Doris . Doris : I don 't think I have any tent reservations , so I guess you have your choice of sites . The ones up by the pool have electric , the ones farther away do not . Me : So , if I decided to stay Friday night , too ? Doris : I don 't have any reservations on Friday night either , so that 's fine . In early May I went to Door County , Wisconsin for a few days because I was going to lose my vacation points if I didn 't use them by the end of May . The place I stay has a golf course included in the package , so I golfed every day . It was early for Door County season , so I almost always had the course to myself . I told everyone that I felt like Trump ! I 'm not sure what having a city park to myself would feel like . I mean , who does that ? I guess I could go and set up my tent , and see if there are others that come , too . I read about a group that was going camping into a dangerous area , and the advice they got was to have at least six people along because there always had to be someone who was awake to stand guard . Well , that would be me . I plan to pick one of the sites by the pool , but I probably won 't sleep until the first kids show up for swimming lessons in the morning . I could also just bail and go home , but then I would forfeit my deposit . Having learned the importance of " trying things out " before I actually show up at the campsite , I have been gathering what I perceive would be the supplies needed to " live outdoors " so to speak . I think the main problem is that I want to have all the comforts of home while I " rough it " . That means transferring a lot of things from here to there . My daughter , Sarah , suggested putting as much of the stuff as possible into a plastic bin . I assume that as one gets used to camping , much of the gear stays in the container , or at least there is a prior knowledge of what to bring . Today I began gathering everything into one place . I took a picture . This is without food , clothing or the tent ! I know this is old hat to those of you who have been camping for years . For the rest of us , we salute you ! I 've decided to start a series of blogs chronicling my new endeavor : tent camping . Since my husband , Paul , died this past September I have been lying low , staying home much of the time , reading , praying , just getting used to not having him around . I am finally rested , almost a little bored , and ready for the next thing . When we were raising our family we had a big blue bus in which our family of ten traveled and camped . Missing the camping experience , but wanting to try something new , I decided to try tenting . I have had lots of advice from friends who USED to tent camp and are now happily settled in their RV 's , and who look at me skeptically , wondering why I would want to start that now . I am well past retirement age , and , while fairly fit , I 'm not sure what the ground will do to my aging body . I 'll let you know . Since this is still the preparation stage , I bought a camping app for my phone that lists county and municipal campgrounds . I want to camp in or near towns . The wilderness doesn 't interest me . Next I searched online for articles that coached new campers . One article suggested that it would be wise to practice setting up the tent before you go . I had bought one of those little pop - up tents , but had never opened the package . I had planned to just get to a campsite and figure it out there . After all , I would have plenty of time since I have no idea what I will do all day at a campsite anyway . Still , practicing seemed a good idea . After retrieving my tent from the back of the car I made a space for it in the living room , unzipped the bag it was in , and POP , up jumped my tent . Imagine my surprise when it only had three sides . I just stared at it , trying to make sense of how that was going to work . After reading the directions I discovered that I had bought a beach tent . My first reaction was that I was really glad that I had not opened the tent for the first time at the campsite ! My second thought was , since this happened in the privacy of my own home , no one needed to know how stupid I was to order such a thing . |
Saturday morning . It was another beautiful day . I had brought along my coffee maker in the event that I had access to electricity . There were multiple outlets in the park 's picnic shelter , so I had my first really satisfying cup of the trip . Instead of making breakfast I just prepared a protein shake and a food bar . The tent is always a little wet in the morning from the dew and the ground , so I began to take it down . In the middle of that task I got talking with Pam and another camper . My new lesson : empty the tent before you collapse it . I think the distraction of the conversation made me forget what I had been doing and I went straight for packing up the tent . You can get your things out , it 's just awkward . All packed up , I took one more look around the campsite and realized that I had not taken advantage of the rack full of courtesy bikes that you could ride in the park , or into town if you liked . So , I grabbed a bike and pedaled the two blocks into town . checked it out and went back to camp . It was a nice amenity , in an all - around nice park . Just before I got to Maiden Rock I saw a big banner next to a county road that read Maiden Rock Camping Fest or something like that . I turned on to a winding road that climbed up and up into the bluffs until I hit a plateau and found the party . There were tents and campers and lot of people and a parking lot full of cars . Some women were doing yoga in a nearby patch of grass . About 50 people were sitting at picnic tables waiting for the noon lunch . I found what looked like an official welcoming booth and said that I had seen the sign on the highway , and asked what was happening . The gals working the booth said lunch was being served in about 10 minutes . So I bought a ticket for $ 5 . 00 began talking to the young woman next to me . I asked her if this was a pretty popular campground . She seemed surprised by the question . She told me that she was petty sure that this was private property , but that once a year the owner opened it up for this camp out . Most of the people here seemed to know each other . I didn 't see any other touristy types . Lunch was served : A ham sandwich ( with cheese slices if you liked ) potato chips a giant cookie and a glass of cold milk . Not bad for $ 5 . 00 . I filled my plate , walked back to my car and retreated down the windy road back to the Highway . I 'm pretty sure that was a semi - private party . Back on the Highway I drove into Maiden Rock . They were having their summer festival . I pulled in to the municipal campground which was just behind where the activities was taking place . Of course I had already eaten , but it was a hot day , and this the the party I was actually looking for , so I bought a beer and sat down . I began talking with a woman who said she and her husband were camping at the park and liked coming here . Her name was Penny . Her brothers named her . She said she went to a Catholic school when she was young and the nuns refused to call her Penny . Her mother got a call from her teacher complaining that she didn 't answer when they called on her . Her mother asked what thy were calling her and they said they were using her full name , Penelope . Her mother said , if they would call her by her real name she would answer . They finally relented . Penny invited me to see their camper and meet her husband . This campground was also on Lake Pepin and was very nice . Penny 's camper was really nice too . I told Penny about my earlier party crashing , and one of the guys visiting with Penny 's husband finally figured out that I had been at the old rod and gun club . He said he thought it belonged to the VFW or the American Legion now . He had no clue about the celebration , and he was from Maiden Rock ! The parade was starting in ten minute , so Penny and I grabbed a couple of chairs and went up to main street . I think the parade went three blocks . It was 20 - 25 minutes long at most . Perfect . The kids ended with huge bags of candy , and since they shut down the highway for the parade the line of cars that had to wait for the parade to be over was almost as long as the parade . Time to go . I said goodbye to Penny , stopped at one of the tents long enough to buy two pieces of barbecued chicken to eat later at home , and traveled the rest of the way up the river to Prescott , WI to Hastings , MN to St Paul , MN to home . What an adventure . What will I do next ? Well , I have tickets for a Trump Rally in Cedar Rapids , IA tomorrow . I 've never seen a sitting president . I woke up surprisingly refreshed . I was annoyed by my cowardice , but pleased at the rebound . I actually liked sleeping in the tent . I gathered breakfast paraphernalia , table cloth , coffee , cookware , cook stove , dishes , matches . . . . . uh - oh . I lost track of the matches . I went down the hill to the fire pit and they were there on the ground . I hadn 't seen them in the dark . When I picked up the box it was wet and one side was a little slimy . I turned it over and there , hugging the flint was a leech . Ick . When the camp owner stopped to see how I had slept he seemed a little disappointed that I had had trouble due to the noise . Still , he could see that I was happy with the site . I asked for another box of matches which he cheerfully supplied . I had brought my own water from home , so the first thing I did was heat water for coffee ( instant coffee . After all , I was roughing it ) and then made scrambled eggs in my new frying plan . I discovered that I had forgotten to bring salt . I checked the pocket of the cooler . Paul had always packed the cooler , and he often included napkins , silverware and packets of sugar and salt in a zip lock bag . Sure enough , 3 packets of salt . I miss him . I " broke camp " and headed back to Durand to catch WI Highway 25 south to WI Highway 35 which runs north / south along the Mississippi River . I took some county roads so that I would come out closer to Durand before getting on to Highway 25 , and thereby avoided the flag persons . Ha ! The Wisconsin countryside in that area is breathtakingly beautiful . These are picture postcard visions of the dairy farms that provide the milk that makes the state famous for it 's cheese . The trees and crops and grass were lush and green . I was trying to decide if I would camp another night as I had planned . I still had no phone service and a lot would depend on the weather report . About an hour later I arrived at Pepin , Wisconsin , one of several small towns that sit on Lake Pepin , a renowned recreational lake . In fact , across the water on the other side , a bit north of Pepin was the town of Lake City , MN known as the birthplace of water skiing . I had recently driven Highway 35 and had noticed more than one sign announcing municipal campgrounds in several of the towns . I thought Pepin was one . There was an inviting restaurant right on the highway . It was nearly noon , so I stopped for a California Burger and fries . A bonus , in addition to being able to eat outside , was that they had wi - fi . I sent a quick text to the kids ( they like to keep tabs on me , for some reason ) , and then checked the weather . 40 % chance of rain / thunderstorms . Hmmmm . Now that I had experience as a tenter perhaps I should extend that experience to " difficult conditions " . On the other hand , 40 % chance of rain also meant 60 % chance of no rain if my math was correct . I decided to go for it . I couldn 't find a campground in Pepin so I continued up 35 . I didn 't see anything at Lakeport , but in Stockholm , right in town , was a sign saying " campground " . I made a left turn , toward the lake , and there it was , the kind of campground I had envisioned when I planned the trip . Situated right on Lake Pepin , with a large grassy area in the middle for tents , and a friendly camp host , Pam , it was perfect . Pam told me to fill out my registration envelope , put in the money and drop it into the box , and she would show me around . It was only 2 : 30 in the afternoon but there were already 10 - 12 campers and RV 's with their awnings and electrical hook - ups in place . There were no tents , but I would be in the circle of activity . I chose a spot in the middle of the knoll , away from branches that could break off in a wind and right across the road from Pam 's camper . Pam rolled a metal firepit over to where I was and said , put it anywhere you like . If you brought wood you can burn that or you can buy some . Whatever you want . Pam and her husband were taking care of their 4 grandchildren for a week , so there was a lot of activity across the road . They were good kids and I enjoyed the lively atmosphere . I set up the tent and got out my crossword puzzles and other books and kicked back and enjoyed the day . Before long a young couple from Eau Claire , WI , Sam and Josh , set up a tent across the knoll from me . They were very friendly and said they 'd watch out for me . Sam said she grew up in Plum City , WI and Josh was originally from LaCrosse , WI . They said they really liked this campground and came here often . I was pretty sure their well - behaved , 1 year - old black lab , who slept in their tent with them , would warn us all of anything that went bump in the night . We had a brief rain shower , maybe 5 minutes , which cooled the air . My tent did not leak . I made a light supper , enjoyed a campfire from the gift of wood from both Pam and Sam and Josh . When I pulled into Menomonie a wonderful thing happened . It 's called phone service . Relieved that I could now search on line for a campground , I found two listed . I decided to go for Twin Springs Camping . My phone could actually take me there ! It looked okay . There were a number of RV 's , and I could see at least one tent as I parked by the office . It was privately held . The sign said it had been under the same owners for fifty - two years . It showed it 's age a bit , but I could hear kids having fun at the pool . A sign on the door said " ring the bell and come in " . Inside a tall man , who looked like he could be the owner , was getting up from a chair in front of a TV in the living room and he met me at an office area right there in the house . His wife stayed in front of the TV . I told him of my experiment in camping , filled out a registration form and asked if they took credit cards . He said they did not , they were old fashioned that way . Cash or checks would be welcome . I told him I was rather old fashioned as well , I tend to carry cash . I pulled out a couple of twenties , we settled accounts , he gave me a parking pass for my mirror , and said he had just the spot for me . We went out the back door of the house where the office was , went to the right side of the house where there was a lovely , level site with a table . He pointed out that there was a fire ring at the base of the small hill behind the site . He said that would be mine to use if I wanted it , but they only allowed wood that I bought on - site . He said I could pull my car right up next to the tent , and the bathrooms were only three sites away . There was a camper one site from me , but I did not see anyone there . I thought they might have taken their car into town for supper . I thanked him , pulled the car forward and began to set up the tent . That went well . The weather report included no rain . The sky was clear . It was calm and the temp was a pleasant 75 degrees or so . In other words , a perfect night to camp . I ate a salad for my evening meal . It was about 7 pm by now and I gratefully hit the showers . The bathrooms were aged , but clean . Two flush toilets , two showers and two sinks . I hadn 't really recovered from that hot round of golf , and there was very little breeze , so the shower was welcome and refreshing . I checked out the camp a bit . The owner had pointed out a path , so I walked to the lake , or the " Twin Creeks " perhaps , else why the campground name ? No activity around the camper next door . I saw one person use the restroom . I assumed that activity would pick up as the day wound completely down . I want back to the office and asked to buy the firewood . A campfire seemed like a nice touch . My son - in - law , Jeff , texted on Friday and asked if I had forgotten anything . I had . I thought I had packed matches , but could not find them , so I went back to the office and the owner graciously gave a whole box . I had a fire starter along , and the wood was dry and burned well . It was pretty dark by the time the fire settled down to a few embers , so I gathered my things and went back up the hill to the tent . Earlier , the camp owner 's wife had come out of the house . She drove around the camp on her golf cart , and went back inside . Other than that , the one girl at the bathroom and the owner were the only people I had seen . There was still no sign of anyone in the camper next to me , and I could not see any other campers from where I was . I got ready for bed , climbed into the tent and got to thinking . I was really pretty isolated here . ( I could have done that in Durand ) . No one knew where I was . I had never mentioned going to Menomonie to camp . I thought I should text the kids to let them know where I was . No phone service . I tried to sleep . I was pretty tired . Golfing and setting up camp had worn me out . Since Paul died I have never failed to lock my doors . I would get up and check if I couldn 't remember locking them . There are no locks on a tent . Worse , the campground was only about a mile from the interstate , and there was a constant drone from the cars and trucks . There is no muffling of sound when you are in a tent . To top it off , about the time I became lulled by the highway sound a train would roar along breaking the pattern ( the railroad tracks turned out to be right by the highway . ) The sound would not have been so annoying , but it blocked my ability to assess any sounds that might be immediately nearby . Rattled I took another look at my phone . It had been going in and out with rare , but occasional service . In my increasingly nervous musings I realized that I had paid cash . There was not even a credit card trail to tie me to that camp . I have a big imagination . Why had I told the guy I was carrying cash ? The phone had two bars . I quickly texted the kids about where I was and even got a text back saying they appreciated knowing . The bars promptly disappeared . I had always had a back up plan if I was unable to give myself over to sleep . I climbed out of the tent , went to the bathroom , climbed into the car with my pillow . I closed the door . Instant silence . I locked the doors and dosed off and on checking out the surroundings each time I woke up . Nothing happened . No animals around the tent , no cars coming in from the highway , no people wandering around in the night . Still no neighbors , but about 4 am I thought , " This is stupid . " I climbed out of the car and into the tent , and slept like a baby until 8 : 00 am . I left at 10 : 00 am , destination , Durand , Wisconsin , a small town about 90 miles from here . Durand was home for the first 5 years of my married life . Our oldest three boys were born there . All went well until I came to the other side of Plum City , Wisconsin . With only 13 miles to go to get to Durand I was flagged down along with a whole long line of cars and trucks . They were paving the road between the two towns . The flag girl held us in check for fully 19 minutes . It was hot on Thursday , so the wait was fairly miserable ( I am stubborn and rarely use my AC . Summer should feel like summer ) . Eventually we were ushered through the one - sided road and I rolled into Durand around noontime . Before I left I had asked my search engine , " What is the best place to eat in Durand , WI ? " The first place listed was the Corral Bar and Riverside Grill . Even though I was pretty hungry , I wanted to check out the camping area in the park at the edge of town . Doris was right . All 14 tenting spaces were unoccupied . There was one RV parked in the RV section , but I did not see any people in evidence . Okay , there would be a place to camp if I made a decision to camp in a relatively deserted spot . The Corral Bar and Riverside Grill lived up to their reputation . Their deck overlooks the Chippewa River which was running high , covering a road behind the restaurant and lapping at the basements of the downtown businesses on that side of the street . The golf course was my next destination . I am a medium to poor golfer , but I like the game and , like many golfers , have just enough really good drives and chips and putts to keep me playing . The Durand course was the first place I ever golfed . Several members had invited me to join a ladies league . It would be almost thirty years before I played again more often than about once every ten years . It was a very hot day . I was pretty tired when I got done with nine holes . I headed back to the park , hoping to find a nice collection of campers there so I could get on with setting up my tent . One deserted looking RV . Since Paul died I have never forgotten to lock the doors before I go to sleep . You can 't lock a tent , so I was hoping for safety in numbers . Camping in Durand was more than I could do , so , hot , and already a little tired I decided to check out the County park near Plum city . Remember that road they were paving ? Twenty minutes after being flagged down , I continued on Highway 10 until I saw a sign pointing to a county road that led to the park . It was well marked at the highway , but became a closely guarded secret after that . ( One frustration on this trip was that I almost never had phone service the whole time I was gone . That meant no digital directions to anything . ) I drove that county road back and forth looking for a clue , and finally , retraced my steps to a town I had gone through . I pulled over and asked a couple of guys if they knew where the park was . They were sitting outside of a bar in the little town of Arkansas , WI . They looked at me and then at each other and then back at me with that vacant look that pretty much says that , no , they did not know where the county park was . " No , I don 't think I know where that is , " said the more vocal of the two . I tried the road again and saw a man in his driveway and asked him if he knew where it was . He gave me directions , and before heading out I asked if a lot of people used that park . He said , " Yeah , on holiday weekends it 's always packed . I asked what about on a Thursday ? " On Thursday ? " he mused , " Well , on a Thursday you might be the only one out there . " I could have done that in Durand . He told me to try Menomonie , a bigger town about 20 miles away . I headed back to Highway 10 toward Durand to catch Highway 25 to Menomonie . Only 18 minutes with the flagman this time . Once the cooler is packed I am ready to go . Yesterday I set up the tent in the front yard with the help of various neighbors who were passing by ( mostly taking their dogs for a walk ) . One said , " Let me send my husband over . He 's good at this stuff . " So , I had a live tutor instead of a digital one . His name is Tom , and he brought me a tarp for under the tent and told me the key was to make sure the under tarp was smaller than the tent floor to keep it from attracting rain , and to fold the tarp 's edges under so that moisture would roll off the sides and away from the tent floor . He made me fill and actually fire up my Coleman stove , a nifty little one burner appliance that I trust will keep up me supplied with hot coffee and soup . He instructed me on where , especially , to apply the seam sealer to the tent , showed me a clever door at the base of the tent that lets in an electric cord if I have a site with electricity , approved my hatchet , and reminded me to take an extension cord . He said he used to be a Boy Scout Leader . My gain . Yesterday I bought a small cast iron frying pan . The box said to be sure to season it before use . That 's all it said . Fortunately we live in a digital world , so I asked my search engine , " How do I season a cast iron pan ? " Apparently a lot of people know how to do this . I don 't know if I have ever had my oven on 500 degrees for one full hour . They said the fire alarm may go off so turn on the fan and open the windows . Fortunately it is a pleasant 70 degrees today , so that worked out . It seems that you season a pan by making sure it is very dry and then rubbing it from top to bottom with Crisco or other cooking oil and then placing it in the aforementioned heated oven for one hour , after which you turn off the oven and let it cool down in the oven for another hour or so . Done . Next I located a small , nearby town that has a city park with 14 tent spaces in it 's camping section . The website gave a number to call at the city hall . It warned that if you made a reservation you had to pay upfront , and if you did not give them a week 's warning you forfeited your deposit . I want to go on Thursday , two days from now . I called the number and , after hitting " 1 " for camp reservation I spoke with Doris . Doris : I don 't think I have any tent reservations , so I guess you have your choice of sites . The ones up by the pool have electric , the ones farther away do not . Me : So , if I decided to stay Friday night , too ? Doris : I don 't have any reservations on Friday night either , so that 's fine . In early May I went to Door County , Wisconsin for a few days because I was going to lose my vacation points if I didn 't use them by the end of May . The place I stay has a golf course included in the package , so I golfed every day . It was early for Door County season , so I almost always had the course to myself . I told everyone that I felt like Trump ! I 'm not sure what having a city park to myself would feel like . I mean , who does that ? I guess I could go and set up my tent , and see if there are others that come , too . I read about a group that was going camping into a dangerous area , and the advice they got was to have at least six people along because there always had to be someone who was awake to stand guard . Well , that would be me . I plan to pick one of the sites by the pool , but I probably won 't sleep until the first kids show up for swimming lessons in the morning . I could also just bail and go home , but then I would forfeit my deposit . Having learned the importance of " trying things out " before I actually show up at the campsite , I have been gathering what I perceive would be the supplies needed to " live outdoors " so to speak . I think the main problem is that I want to have all the comforts of home while I " rough it " . That means transferring a lot of things from here to there . My daughter , Sarah , suggested putting as much of the stuff as possible into a plastic bin . I assume that as one gets used to camping , much of the gear stays in the container , or at least there is a prior knowledge of what to bring . Today I began gathering everything into one place . I took a picture . This is without food , clothing or the tent ! I know this is old hat to those of you who have been camping for years . For the rest of us , we salute you ! I 've decided to start a series of blogs chronicling my new endeavor : tent camping . Since my husband , Paul , died this past September I have been lying low , staying home much of the time , reading , praying , just getting used to not having him around . I am finally rested , almost a little bored , and ready for the next thing . When we were raising our family we had a big blue bus in which our family of ten traveled and camped . Missing the camping experience , but wanting to try something new , I decided to try tenting . I have had lots of advice from friends who USED to tent camp and are now happily settled in their RV 's , and who look at me skeptically , wondering why I would want to start that now . I am well past retirement age , and , while fairly fit , I 'm not sure what the ground will do to my aging body . I 'll let you know . Since this is still the preparation stage , I bought a camping app for my phone that lists county and municipal campgrounds . I want to camp in or near towns . The wilderness doesn 't interest me . Next I searched online for articles that coached new campers . One article suggested that it would be wise to practice setting up the tent before you go . I had bought one of those little pop - up tents , but had never opened the package . I had planned to just get to a campsite and figure it out there . After all , I would have plenty of time since I have no idea what I will do all day at a campsite anyway . Still , practicing seemed a good idea . After retrieving my tent from the back of the car I made a space for it in the living room , unzipped the bag it was in , and POP , up jumped my tent . Imagine my surprise when it only had three sides . I just stared at it , trying to make sense of how that was going to work . After reading the directions I discovered that I had bought a beach tent . My first reaction was that I was really glad that I had not opened the tent for the first time at the campsite ! My second thought was , since this happened in the privacy of my own home , no one needed to know how stupid I was to order such a thing . |
Jan22 Privacy . Let 's see here , Google my friend , what do you say about privacy ? Ah yes , " the state or condition of being free from being observed or disturbed by other people . " Dictionary . com says , " The state of being apart from other people or concealed from their view ; solitude , seclusion … the state of being free from unwanted or undue intrusion or disturbance in one 's private life or affairs ; freedom to be let alone . It began with the dog , you know . He was your dog . Only three months old but totally bonded to you . You had picked him out of a group of rescues that were up for adoption . He was one of many tiny puppies from a puppy mill and had barely made it out alive . The rescue group came just in time . You adored him and he you . He stayed by your side for everything and you didn 't mind it at all . In fact , you thought it was wonderful . Recently though you found someone else you adored and invited him over for dinner . You and your friend were looking forward to a quiet evening on the couch watching movies . You made popcorn , sat down , started the movie and just as the opening scene came on , so did Rover . Up , on the couch and in between the two of you . If your new friend looked at you or made a motion towards you , the dog gave that look that says , " Just try it . " Rover just won the key to your private space and he is never going to give it back . You and your friend get through it , everything goes well , friend becomes your Partner and in doing so accepts that you , Rover and he will be a threesome from here on out . Now , " here on out " quickly moves onto , yes , marriage and a baby . Yep , baby . Privacy is starting to sound like a foreign language at this point . You and Partner often have laughed and questioned if the two of you would ever have any . Meanwhile , Rover is hot on your heals as you go to get the crying baby from the crib that you just put him in sound asleep . Partner had popped the popcorn , and the opening scene was just beginning , with you , Rover , and Partner all in your respective spots ( that 's with Rover in the middle you know ) and as soon as your rear end hits the couch the wailing begins again . You bounce , you feed , you cuddle and sing but to no avail . The movie team just became a foursome . Baby on your lap , Rover in the middle , and the popcorn somewhere out of your reach . Time goes on , the foursome together through it all . Rover whines at the bathroom door , sits by the tub as you take a bath , comes in from outside onto your lap to wipe his dirty feet on your apron and then smiles at you just before he runs to wake the now two - year old from the nap you just put him down for . The rest of the afternoon , Rover on one side , baby hanging on to your strings , you vacuum , dust , do laundry , all the days activities , including those few and far between bathroom breaks when Rover whines and Jr wiggles his fingers under the door saying , " Mommie , mommie , " You and partner grew used to the foursome , forgot about privacy , and learned the joys of the togetherness as a family through thick and thin , sickness and health , vacation , school , work , until the word made a comeback during Jr 's " teenage years . " Now the whole world revolved around " privacy . " Can 't I have a little privacy ? I 'm on my phone , I 'm getting dressed , we 're studying , why do you need to know where I 'm going , they are just friends , gee what about a little privacy . " You hear it all and wonder where this word came from . It certainly wasn 't one that stirred any remembrance of such a thing . Why , even Rover , knew nothing of what this strange word was about and Rover knew Jr like he knew every hair on his tail , which by the way , had begun to wag rather slowly these days . Rover , still stayed by your side , night time , day time , bath time and yes still even at toilet time . It had gotten to the point you had to stay by his too , especially at toilet time . Privacy wasn 't an issue between the two of you and Partner who welcomed Rover in the middle every chance he got . Jr had just had his eighteenth birthday and had asked to have a party just for he and his friends . Would you and Dad let us just have some privacy to play music , dance and have a good time in the basement room and you guys not be in and out like you always were . " We aren 't doing anything , we just want privacy , " he said . Saddened but understanding , you let him have it . Even Rover was banned from the festivities , which he had always been a part of , usually getting more than his fair share of attention because of his cute antics that Jr had taught him to do so well over the years . You and partner and Rover retired to the couch upstairs to watch a movie and eat popcorn and occasionally listen for the sounds of the party downstairs . It seemed to be going well . Now , it was two days later , Jr was in his room on his telephone with a friend , Rover laid on his blanket underneath your chair at the table while you busied yourself preparing dinner . Partner would be home in about fifteen minutes . Dinner just had to be set on the table . This was a good time to take Rover out for his walk . You got your jacket and turned saying , " Come Rover , let 's go boy . Rover ? " Rover didn 't budge . You stood frozen for a moment then rushed to his side . Nothing , no breath , no breathing , nothing . You gathered him in your arms as you sat on the floor . You yelled for Jr . who , although coming to answer your call , responded with , " Geeze mom , can 't you leave a guy alone for a minute ? I said I needed some …… his words trailed off into silence . Partner walked in the back door and they both stopped suddenly , seeing you on floor with Rover in your arms . Partner helped you up . Jr took your other arm trying to help you lift Rover as you rose . Partner supported your shaking body to the couch and helped you sit , still with Rover in your arms . Dec1 It was a good holiday in spite of several of the girls not being able to make it this year . For those that could , we had a great time . Mary , Eddie and Jaden came and we picked our grand - daughter , Lauren , up in Purdy to stay the holiday . Danielle , our third born , came a couple of days before Thanksgiving to " help " us with some things that needed doing around the house and property . She worked hard , just as she always does when she shows up to help . She and her dad got a pick - up truck and a car - hauler trailer loaded with scrap metal to take to recycling . There was a lot of stuff from aluminum cans and old pipes from the well , to old fencing , car parts and just plain ole junk . They made that trip and then loaded another huge load to go to the garbage dump . Wow , what a difference it made in the way things look out around the garage . Ryan , Danielle 's husband , who came on Thanksgiving day , had to return home the day following Thanksgiving but Danielle stayed through Sunday to do more chores for us . That girl is a dedicated worker . Finally it was time for her to go . Sunday morning we fixed a good hearty breakfast and discussed what all we needed to do to get her on the road . I had been collecting things for her for a while and had them all stacked and ready to go . Four dozen wine glasses for her new cake business which I had picked up ( brand new , high quality brand and still in the boxes ) all for ten dollars at a divorce sale , a forty cup coffee maker , a Mr Peanut , nut dispenser I had bought at another sale just for her because everyone knows she has been called " Peanut " since the day we brought her home from the hospital forty years ago , and a plastic crate full of wedding cake decorations such as plates and pillars . That all being ready , she first started loading the things out of the guest house that she wanted . A desk and chair , coffee pot , and a few more household things . then on to the garage where dad had rounded up vacuum cleaner parts and canning jars . A huge assortment of stuff that eventually lThis entry was posted on December 1 , 2015 , in Family Life , Humor , Inspiration , Short Story , Writing . Leave a comment Oct22 Back some years ago , so many that I don 't remember exactly when it was , but probably around 1981 - 82 , my dad and mom , my two youngest daughters and myself were headed out on a day trip . My third born , Danielle , needed to find a small tree for her 4 - H Christmas party . With camp shovel in hand Dad climbed into the passenger seat up front , I was driving and Mom sat with the two girls in the back . Excitement was swirling in all our heads as we headed out the highway with our destination in mind . For the girls , it was a day out with Gramma and Grampa and like an adventure as they hadn 't been to this place before . For me , time with mom and dad was always good and I loved getting out in nature . I had my camera , as usual , hoping to get some good shots whether it be of the family or the surroundings , it didn 't matter . Now if you aren 't from the Port Angeles area you probably won 't have any idea of where I am talking about but if you are , you will be saying any minute , " Oh ya , I know where you mean . " Well , I had explained to the girls where we were going but it wasn 't but a few minutes before they started asking how long it would take . I headed out C Street , then past Lincoln Park and the airport . We went through the Dry Creek area and turned right when we got to Highway 112 . We were headed for the lower Elwah River where the old one way bridge crossed over . To cross , if there was oncoming traffic you had to pull over , let it pass and take your turn when it came . But we weren 't crossing that day . About one hundred feet before the bridge , on the left , was a narrow little road that went down to the river . I pulled onto the road and started slowly making my way down . I could see the perfect place to park the car about one hundred and fifty feet straight down over the side of the road . Since I have a thing about heights and didn 't want to drive off the edge into oblivion , I was really driving slow . The road was rough , full of ruts and rocks but we eventually made it and I resumed breathing . Dad got outSuddenly , Danielle started shouting , " Stop , stop , I hear something . " We all stopped and listened . Nothing . We picked the bucket back up but hadn 't gone two steps when Danielle yelled again . " I hear it , I hear it . Stop ! " Mary - Elizabeth joined in . " I hear it too . Mommie you have to do something . It 's a kitty . Mommie do you hear it . " Yes , I do , but where is it ? Where is the sound coming from . The three of us were practically on our knees by this time looking under every tree and log . I listened and sure enough the sound was coming from the earth . I got back up and took the shovel that dad had already reached out to hand me . Digging slowly , taking small amounts we could hear the cries growing more faint . Time was running out . Mary - Elizabeth was almost crying herself . " Mommie , you have to save it , you have to . " I handed the shovel back to dad and began digging with my hands . It was hard . So many rocks . I finally opened up a small hole and there we saw the tiniest , dirtiest , striped Tabby kitten ever . I reached in , cupping her in my hand and drew her out of her , " GRAVE ? " all the while thinking to myself , could someone have actually buried her there . I wiped the thought out of my head . It was a sickening thought . She moved . Good she was still alive . I brushed the dirt off her face . Mom handed me a kleenex that she had dipped in a puddle of water close by . I wiped it 's eyes which were full of dirt as were it 's ears and mouth . As I moved it around it tried to meow but ended up spitting and pawing trying to get the dirt out . I assisted carefully with my little finger as a scoop but it was mostly up to her . She spit and gagged but finally had most of it cleared . Then we heard the sweet sound of a real meow , one that sounded actually like a kitten . I continued to wipe the dirt away as we went back to the car where I wrapped her in an old sweater that I kept in the car for emergencies and handed her to Danielle . " Dad , I thing we 'll have to do dinner another day . " I 'm covered with dirt and now we have this kitten . Dad agreed and we loaded the girls with the kitten into the car . About a mile down the road I asked Danielle how the kitten was doing . Dad and I looked at each other . He shrugged his shoulders and I smiled . We both knew at that point , this little kitten , our rescue named Bridget , now , had a home . Oct20 I don 't think I 've ever mentioned the fact in any of my writing here on my " Blog " that I am a foster Mom . Yes , a foster mom and so blessed . But this foster story is a little different . My fosters are dogs . At this point in my confession of this fact , people usually ask , " How can you do that ? " " How can you take them in and then give them up again ? " Then they add , " I just couldn 't do that . " That 's what I thought at first too . In fact , our first attempt failed . By failed , I mean , we ended up adopting the first two little ones we took in . At three and five pounds they became " Pinch and Pebbles . " We adored them . We already had two dogs . Brussels Griffons , both of them , and so dear . Rosie , we got at seven weeks , only to find out she was extremely ill . Another story there , but at least you know at this point , she survived . The other one at two years old , having been born and raised in a puppy mill then shipped to various rescues , never having had a home during those first two years . I fell in love with her at first sight and immediately set forth to make her ours . Okay , now we had four dogs . But , the need for help is so bad . There are so many homeless and abused dogs everywhere . I couldn 't ignore it . I set out to prepare my home to take more . Before I was ready , two more were brought to me by the rescue group I was working for . Babies , at least that 's what we thought . Two little Pits . However , it was discovered they were nine months old instead of the four we were told . They had been starved , abused , never been outside , bathed or anything else that one would do with their dog . They were fearful of everything . So the bonding began . Every day , each morning , I took them out on a leash and walked with them . Coaxing , encouraging , enticing them with treats . Then it was back inside to their playpen , which I crawled into with them and hand fed them from their bowls , petting and talking the whole time . The goal was to teach them , the food was there for them and wouldn 't be taken away . Also trying to avoid food aggression . By touching them , putting my hands in their bowls , being close , yet never removing the food from them they were learning it was safe to eat with others at hand . The training continued from there . Basic obedience commands , then socializing and lots more . Since that time , I think we have taken in about twenty - five or so dogs . We 've seen cases of filth and severe abuse . Dogs afraid to even look at us . Dogs we were unable to even touch . Each time , each case , it broke our hearts . But with time and patience , each one of these innocent little beings , eventually came around . Each of them learned , in their own time , love was real , love was good , and love has no conditions . Some started responding right away , with in just hours or days . Others , well , we had one for nine months before she was ready for adoption . Then , there was Rita , who had been so severely damaged physically , even after seeking out the help from the best specialists , we were unable to save . Yes , it 's hard . Some cases almost unbearable . However , mostly , you do as much as you can for them , they respond , and they move on to a " Forever " home with in two weeks to two months , usually the shorter of the two . You hug , you cry , you see them off . Then you remind yourself . You did what you could do . You helped them become adoptable . You brought them out of horrendous living conditions and sent them to loving , caring homes , forever . You know , you can 't keep them all yourself , but you can help them find that perfect someone who will love them forever . That is my reward in all this . I have made a difference . I have helped where once there was no hope . I have saved lives and I have held , comforting and caressing , whispering softly until the end . I have taught love and companionship . I have gained much more than I have given . I , have been blessed . Baily Boy , Angel , Kory Ann and Kipper . This litter was thrown out in the cold December weather at 8 weeks old and left to find their own way . They came to us afraid of everyone , hungry , un - trusting . Eventually they got better . Angel took a full nine months to rehabilitate and become adoptable . But they all did find homes with loving , caring families . These , all of these , were some of the lucky ones . Today , was shopping day . We , Steve and I , had a quick cup of coffee and cereal for breakfast then I headed for the bedroom to dress and get ready to go . The last time we went I had a panic attack in Wal - Mart . I sat on the pharmacy bench , counting product on the shelf , the rows , the number of bays , then went to reciting the names of my children in my head and then the names of my dogs . Familiar stuff , recall familiar things . Breath . What was my name , where was I at and why was I there . Did I have a list ? Breath . Concentrate on breathing . Slowly , deeper breaths , relax . There were simply too many people that day and too much noise . Hey , try that breathing thing again . You have to breath ! The sounds all ran together and made a horrid roaring in my head . faces were blurry and getting distorted . I hated this . Even as I sat , the sweat poured off my brow . I continued counting and practicing my breathing . It finally eased up and I was able to move on but I think it took at least twenty minutes to a half hour before I could function again . Today would be different . I was feeling stronger , more focused . Today we weren 't pressed for time or on any kind of schedule . So as I reassured myself of these facts I grabbed a cap from my hat holder , formerly a shoe bag , you know one of those that hold twelve pair of shoes and hangs on the back of a door , of which I had every pocket stuffed with a baseball cap of some sort . I love hats , and have many . Today 's was adorned with fake rhinestones spelling out , " Got Money , Lets Shop . " Yes , along with hats , I love glitz and glitter . You 'll probably find out more about those traits later , in another post somewhere down the road , but for right now , back to today . I exited the bedroom announcing to Steve that I was ready as I stuffed my notebook , phone , sunglasses and camera into my over - sized , purse of sorts . Steve swears I need one with wheels . We headed out the door , double checking with each other that we had taken care of everything that needed our attention before we left . I had feAt that point the man behind me , looking at the pictures he had just picked up , said to me , " Yes , he tried to give yours to me . Your name is Rogers ? I 'm Larry Rogers . Do you think there is any connection ? " " Nice to meet you , Larry , " I replied as I held out my hand to give him a hand shake . " I think maybe my husband could answer that better . He 's coming right there . Steve , this is Larry Rogers . " and the conversation began . It turned out that the three of us were all born and raised in Port Angeles , went to the same schools , attended some of the same functions and frequented the same restaurants and stores around town . Larry has a brother , Nick , and Steve had a brother Nick , who has gone on to be with God . Our Nick was the same age as Larry . We had a wonderful conversation about Port Angeles in the " old days " , the rivers , the parks and campgrounds , walking to the movie theater as kids and getting periwinkles ( my job when my brothers would take me with them ) while fishing in Tumwater Creek and so much more . Larry seemed to be a lover of nature and I could tell he really loved the area we all came from . He had worked at the Sol Duc Hot Springs as a young man and knew all the fishing areas around . Steve had hiked all those areas so they both were very at ease their conversation . We knew all the places he mentioned and he had also been every where we had been . It was a great place to grow up . Our parents had all spent at least their entire adult lives there . His mom , still living at at the age of 99 . He had just been there and took her out to dinner last weekend . And of course you would know , at the same restaurant that Steve and I ate at once a week when we were remodeling my Mom and Dad 's house back in two thousand and five . Shopping , it 's a good thing we don 't do it often . A lot of time , although very enjoyable , and we met two really nice people . A lot of money , not intended but needed , and back home again and gee , it was one o ' clock when we left home and we just walked in the door at nine twenty . Now you do have to take into consideration it takes an hour to get to and from any of these stores from out place so two hours of our time was spent totally in travel time . we torchered them by leaving them out for the day . But hey , it was seventy degrees , they have a covered patio , beds , water and toys plus a well fenced yard so nothing can harm them so they can accept being out there for the day from time to time . The two big ones were just happy we were home . Ziva wanted to come in and sit in Steve 's chair and Lollie grabbed a toy and followed Steve around , pushing it at his leg wanting him to throw it for her . She wagged her tail so big she could hardly walk . We threw some left over homemade mac and cheese in the microwave , put groceries away and called it good . Another day , another adventure . We didn 't get everything done that we intended which I realized as I picked my " list " up off the dining table where it sat the entire day . Oh well , time and money can 't compare to the conversations with the people we met along the way . You all know the old saying , " Take time to smell the roses . " These two new acquaintances were the roses in our travels today , unexpected , unplanned , but two beautiful people . It was a good " feel good " day . Sep17 I had just prepared myself a little lunch one day , back in about the year two thousand and five , when , I heard a little knock at the front door . I 'm fairly sure it was early on in two thousand and five because we hadn 't lived here very long and Steve , my husband , was still working at the Can Plant in Kent , Washington . Also , Mom and Dad hadn 't moved out here yet , which we had been preparing for that year . I had been busy cleaning all morning . I made a half of a tuna sandwich and a cup of tea , which I planned to eat at the front window , sitting in my rocking chair , so I could see the birds and squirrels in the front yard . It 's a good thing I was going to sit at that moment because I wouldn 't have heard this if I hadn 't been right there . It was so quiet but definitely it was a knock . Here it came again . Just a tiny little knock . I didn 't see anyone just by glancing out the window as I went to answer the door . Wondering just who it could be , I opened the door slowly and only an inch or two just so I could peek out . We live in the country , fairly secluded , so I am pretty careful about answering the door if I 'm not expecting anyone . There was no one there . I saw no one . I opened the door a little further and still couldn 't see anyone yet . Knowing the storm door was locked I opened the door a bit more and stepped so I could see around the facing . I was totally taken aback at just who I came face to face with . Well , it would have been face to face if I had stooped a little bit … . . ummm , I mean , quite a bit , rather . Standing there in front of me was a darling , three - foot tall , Kangaroo . Yes , a Kangaroo . At least to my knowledge , at that time , that was what he was . " Where in the world did you come from ? " I asked , as if he could answer me . He just stood there looking at me , with an almost pleading look in his eyes . I was a little in shock , myself . I mean , who has a Kangaroo come knocking at their door in the middle of the day , or any other time for that matter ? For a moment , I pictured him standing there wearing a red cap and a small red plaid vest , saying , " Please help me , I 'm lost . " " Well , we gotta find out where you came from but first we gotta tell Steve . " I continued talking to him as if he was a little person . Stepping out the door I held my hand out to him . He just stared back . I inched my way around him then started walking backwards , with my hand out to him , saying , " Come on Baby . " He started following . I went very slowly , not wanting to frighten him . " It 's okay little guy . I won 't touch you and I won 't hurt you . You come with me . Come on baby , let 's go get Steve up . " Steve worked a twelve - hour night shift at a job that was an hours drive from home , which in essence gave him more than a fourteen hour day , or rather , night . He had a sleeping room in the garage . He set the room up with air conditioning , a blackened out window for complete darkness , and a heater for winter . He could sleep soundly , without interruptions from what ever I was doing in the house during the day . I kept coaxing the Kangaroo , patting my leg , and calling him along . It seemed he understood what I was saying . He followed , slowly , but he followed , all the way around the house to the back patio . " Okay , now , you stay here baby and I 'll be right back , " What was I thinking . If anyone had witnessed my on going , one way conversation they would have thought me a nut for sure . The Kangaroo looked around and took in everything there was to see . I took off , bursting through the garage and slammed the door to Steve 's room open . " Oh for Pete 's sake , " he moaned as he covered his head with the blanket and crashed back down in the bed . " I don 't know what you 're up to here , but quit . I 'm tired . " I grabbed the blanket , pulled it back off his shoulders , and said , " NO , I 'm not playing . You have to get up … . there really is a Kangaroo … . COME ON , HURRY UP ! and with that I took off again headed back to the patio . My new little friend was right where I had left him , watching the garage door , I guess maybe for me to come back . By the time I got over to him , Steve was coming out the door . " I don 't know . He just knocked on the front . I opened it and there he was . Isn 't he about the cutest thing you ever saw ? " I was still so excited I could hardly talk . " Yep … . twice . He knocked twice ! What do we do with him ? " I asked Steve . Ah yes , at last , the real problem just came to light . " I mean , " I said , continuing before Steve could say anything , " it is Memorial Day weekend and it is three o ' clock on Friday , and everything will be closed by four or so and everyone will be gone for the weekend , if they aren 't already . You know us , Steve . You know that if he stays here until Monday or Tuesday waiting for someone to be around to contact , then he won 't be going anywhere . HE WILL BE HERE TO STAY ! You know how we are . He 'll have a name and his own little house by then . You know that . We have to do something , NOW ! " " Okay , but first what do we do with him for now ? What do you suppose he would eat ? Where do we put him while we find out something ? " " Well , " I said , " We could put him in one of the dog kennels but not knowing what he might be used to that might scare him . What about the garage ? Couldn 't we just put him in the garage while we make some phone calls ? " " Sure , that would work . Tell ya what , I 'll get some hay from Harley 's shed to make him a bed and then he 'll be fine for a bit . " Steve answered as he went to the horse shed to get the hay . Harley was our horse . The only one we had left . Before we moved here we had five . But the kids had all grown up and left home , except for our youngest , and she and I couldn 't take care of five horses . Steve was working two jobs at that time . So we kept her horse and found new homes for the others . Harley , was a Welsh / Arab cross , stubborn for sure , but we all loved him . Steve got the hay and we piled up a nice pile to make a temporary bed for our visitor . " I wonder what his name is ? I 've been calling him Baby and he 's been coming right along with me . " I said to Steve as we walked back to the house after bedding the little fellow down . " Don 't even worry about a name . You don 't need to worry about that because he 's leaving soon . As soon as we can get him gone . Don 't get any ideas , no names . Got it ! He laughed as he looked me in the eyes , straight on , holding me by both shoulders . You understand that , right ? " Although he was laughing , I knew he was dead serious . " Yes , " I said , and smiled back at him . " I understand . Besides , I don 't even know what to feed him . Oh , we 're going to have to figure that out . Let 's go find someone to call . " We went in and started a list of possibilities and their phone numbers . Okay , here we go , first on the list is the Humane Society . I dialed their number and got an answering machine . Please call back on Tuesday . Next King 5 news ; no answer . News 7 ; no answer , the radio station ; busy , busy , busy . Now what . Who next ? Alright , I 'm going to call city hall and see if they can steer me in a direction . " Okay …… now first , my name is Sandy Rogers , I live on the Key Peninsula . This is not a joke . Please promise you won 't hang up on me . " " Now don 't hang up . I am not kidding about this . Ummm , he is a Kangaroo , a small one , and we really need to find some one to take him today . Everyone is closing and we didn 't know who else to call , that 's why we are calling you . Maybe you have some ideas ? " NO MA ' AM , please , this is no joke . We 've tried the humane society and the news and radio stations and can 't get any answers and we have to find some place , some one to take him , TODAY ! " I answered frantically thinking she might be on the verge of hanging up . " No , oh wow , we never even thought of them ! " I was excited about this prospect and she even provided me with a phone number . I called and got an officer Jeterson to commit to coming out to take a look at what we had . When he got here we just about died laughing at his remark . " Hey , are you folks sure about what you have here ? " he asked as we led him in the direction of the garage . " I mean , do you think maybe it could be an opossum or something like that ? Maybe a skunk . " " Oh my gosh . " I said , as I just about fell over . " NO sir . It is not . It 's a KANGAROO ! " We got to the garage and opened the door . There sat our little visitor on his pile of hay . He was so cute , not budging a bit , just sitting , holding one hand in the other , seeming so patient with us . I already wanted to say we made a mistake , please go and just leave him here . but I knew we couldn 't . I knew it would take time to learn how to care for him and provide the necessities for a healthy home for him , so I kept my mouth shut . Officer Jeterson just scratched his head , rubbed his chin , and said , " Well , I 'll be . " which seemed to be the phrase of the day . Then , he stood there staring at the Kangaroo and , yes , the Kangaroo stared back . " I still wanted to rescue him from whatever the officer might come up with . My heart was starting to ache . " Well , folks , " he started slowly and we could tell he was trying to think of a good reply . " I guess I could take him with me and I 'll figure out something later . I don 't suppose you know what to feed him ? " " No , I can do that once I get home . I think I have a box we can put him in to put him in my truck . He can ride up on the front seat in the box . I 'll get it . " " Okay , but let us know what becomes of him would ya please ? My concern was still growing by the minute . What if he didn 't find an owner ? What if no one came forth to claim him ? Then what would happen to him ? Now , I was sorry I had called around , rather than just handled it myself . I could have kept him , posted adds about him and looked for his family myself . I should have done that but no , I had to make sure he was gone , right away , because of my inability to stay unattached to any living creatures ( except maybe a snake ) . So we watched as officer Jeterson plopped him in the cardboard box on the front seat of his gray , Ford F150 truck . I understood the box . It was a really nice truck with a completed computer set up centered from the dash to the console between the bucket seats . Besides , the little guy might not like riding . It was best to keep him enclosed and buckled in good . He shook our hands , said thank you for taking the Kangaroo in and got in his truck . We , of course , thanked him too for coming to get him . We stood there as the truck pulled out and down the driveway . The next day it was all over the news about how an unidentified couple had reported that he had knocked on their door and how the Fish and Game Department had turned him over to the Tacoma Humane Society that morning . Steve was headed home from work when he heard it on radio station KMPS . As they were talking about it , the owner called them and said she was on her way to get him . She was in tears as she had feared she would never see him again . " That was us ! " Steve shouted at the radio . " We tried to call you yesterday . " He pulled the car over and tried to call again but couldn 't get through . The lines were all busy . He called me , told me what was going on and to turn on my radio . I did and the TV too . I also got the busy signal when I tried to call . So , we would continue to be the unidentified couple . Officer Jeterson did contact the owner and give them our name . They called and thanked us over and over . " I told her that I was so surprised that he knew enough to knock on the door . She told me that he was actually a Wallaby , that his name was Buddy and he did it all the time at home . He would go outside for a while in the yard , then knock when he wanted to come in . He had his own little recliner for sitting in the house . He was house trained and would go outside to do his jobs . Yesterday , he just happened to find a small gap under the wire part of the fence and managed to squeeze through it . We figured he made a three to four mile cross - country trip through the forested woods from their place to ours . He was lucky . There are bear , coyote , and cougar in the area . Yes , he was very lucky . Being saddened at letting him go , we soon became overjoyed , realizing how much he was loved and missed at home . We had done the right thing . But if a Kangaroo , or Wallaby , comes knocking at my door again , I 'm not sure . I might just have to keep him . So , again , I ask you , " What would you do if a Kangaroo knocked on your door ? That doesn 't sound like such a silly question any more , now does it ? It 's the first chance I 've had for a number of days to actually get on here . Oh . did I say days ? It 's now 12 : 54 AM . Yes , and I 'm just getting around to this . We picked our grand - daughter up yesterday ( a two - hour trip to get her ) , spent a little time in town hoping the wind would die down before we headed out , ate dinner and then made our way back through town , fighting the wind all the way , to the car . It had been predicted forty mile - an - hour winds for yesterday . I never did hear what they were after the fact but I know it was the strongest I 've ever been out in . It would literally pick you up off your feet as you fought to steady yourself . It was exciting , while at the same time , not a good time to be out on the road . As a matter of fact it was quite dangerous . On our way into town we were struck by a flying tree branch on the passenger side of the car . There was no damage though . We were lucky . We only encountered one tree down on the road . On the way out of town we had just crossed the Hood Canal Floating bridge when traffic came to a complete stop . It was about a fifteen minute wait then we started creeping along . Then stop again . Traffic the other way . It soon became apparent that there was someplace ahead where there must be one way only traffic . It took us another half hour to reach that spot . There had been a large tree over the road way and at this point they had half of it cleared off one side of the road . As we passed through we could see the traffic on the other side backed up as far as one could see . After we finally got moving again we discovered that distance to be a good ten miles or more . Everything went well the rest of the way home . We were glad to be there , grand - daughter in tow , and not too awfully late in the evening . Today , grampa fixed breakfast . Well , he did the bacon and hash browns and Lauren ( our grand - daughter ) and I did the eggs . I always get to do the eggs . I can do perfect over easy eggs most every time . I had more sewing to do so I continued with that for a while while my two sidekicks puttered around doing other things . Then it was a trip to the store to get a few things especially for Lauren . The main thing on her list was Fruit Loops . I managed to pick up three outfits for school for her . I found part of the things I needed for my sewing projects . by the time we got done it was dinner time again so we ate at Subway , per Lauren 's request . I think she has eaten there before . She knew her order right down to the salt and pepper on the sandwich without blinking an eye . We were still trying to figure out what to have . Half of mine came home with me and is now in the refrigerator . Tomorrow , I will continue with my sewing project and will be helping Lauren learn to embroidery . We are excited about that . When we tire of that we plan to make Oatmeal Butterscotch Chip cookies . They are so good . Banana Bread is also on our list of things to bake . Steve has an appointment first thing and then I expect he will busy himself working on the old truck , until he realizes we have gotten cookies done , that is . These being his favorite , I expect he 'll know exactly when the first batch is out of the oven . We will have our little girl visiting for almost all of the week so we have numerous activities lined up . One will be going out rock hunting for just the perfect rocks for painting . We picked up a book on rock painting and it looks like fun . We also want to take her down to the beach to walk and see what other interesting things we can find . Grampa and I made us all beach bags out of three of those net bags that fruit comes in from the store . I ran a piece of twine through the top for a draw string and handle . Grampa Steve has a rock tumbler here and Lauren has one at home so they should have fun with that after our beach trip . Aug24 It was Friday , the day before our usual Jam Session with friends . I was in my typical state of affairs for the day before . Too much to do and not enough time to do it . I 'd been up since five - thirty , watered the garden , plucked some spent blossoms , swept the patio , done a load of laundry and sprayed primer on a piece of furniture I planned on painting later in the day . I had heard the coffee beeper go off so coffee was ready and I was ready for it . Steve was up and met me at the front door , cups in hand . We sat on the patio in our rockers , sipping our fresh hot coffee and discussing our plans for the day . " I 'm cleaning carpets as soon as I finish a few more chores out here . " I said . " Well , as soon as I get dressed , that is . I chuckled and grinned at Steve as I said it . He knew unless someone intervened I was just as likely to still be puttering around in my pj 's two hours from now . He also knew there would probably be no breakfast if he didn 't mention it . " Okay , you go get dressed and I 'll start breakfast . " He knew his attempt to help would be the best way to get me headed in the right direction . I took my cup , gave him a kiss and headed for the bedroom . " I 've been sittin ' here all night long , watchin ' the night unfold …… " I was humming a song I 'd been trying to learn for Jam session . Let 's see , jeans , cut off jeans , and a tank top , it 's going to be hot again today , I said out loud but really only to me . I picked up my pink scuffies . No , those won 't work , something sturdier . I love wearing the little slip on 's but they aren 't very stable out in the grass and rocks . Finishing my attire with just enough make up to get me by , should I do something stupid and end up going to the hospital , having to face a whole passel of people I had no intentions if intermingling with today . Earrings , done . I 'm not dressed with out my earrings . I headed back to the kitchen , getting there just in time for breakfast on the bar and Steve ready to pour me another cup of coffee . " You ready for this ? " he asked as he held out the pot . " Yep , perfect timing , we 've still got it , don 't we . " I smiled , he poured and we sat down for oatmeal laced with butter , brown sugar , and cinnamon , accompanied with fresh prunes off our tree out back . " Looks like we have another project ready for us . " I said . " We 'll have to get these picked and processed real soon so we don 't lose them . You ready for a day of canning ? " " Not today . " Those can wait until Monday . We have our plans for today . They don 't include canning . Looks like you are well on your way with yours . I need to finish my project I 've got going and then I 'll help you with the carpets . " " What have you got going ? " I asked , not realizing he had done any of the prep work the day before . I thought he was just puttering around in the garage trying to figure out what to do with more stuff . Heaven knows that one is a big job in itself . " I 'm going to put the gazebo together . " he said . " I got the broken pieces welded yesterday . I 'll paint it this morning and we 'll have it up by late afternoon . It 'll look a lot better than that pop - up . " This news was exciting . I 'd been wanting it done for so long . Some friends gave it to us years ago because they were moving and had no place for it . They also said it might have some broken pieces but thought they could be fixed . It was free . For that kind of money we could take a look at it and possibly do something with it . That day had evidently finally come . I was just about to go back outside when the phone rang . " I 'm good . But I would be better if you would join me for brunch tomorrow morning ? I have these tickets , for two , and would love for you to go . It 's a book signing . The author is Debbie Macomber . How about it , can you go with me ? " " Oh Diane , I 'd love to go . Debbie Macomber ! Wow ! " I was thrilled . Our own Debbie Macomber , that lives right close to here in Port Orchard . The same Debbie Macomber that is a number one New York Times bestselling author . She is one of the most popular writers today . Although I had not started reading her books yet , I had heard plenty about her . She and her husband also own the " Victorian Rose Tea Room " and " A Good Yarn Shop " located in Port Orchard too . Brunch would be at the Tea Room . If you 've never been by there , the buildings are beautiful . Huge , Victorian design buildings in lovely colors matching their styling perfectly that cannot be missed as you head to Port Orchard via Bethel Avenue . I 've admired them every since I first saw them . " Good , that 's wonderful , " answered Diane . " I 'll pick you up about 8 am , okay . I 'm so glad you can go . " Thanks , I 'll be ready . " I hung up and eagerly went to catch up with Steve who had already gone out . " Guess what ! Guess , oh , you 'll never guess ! " I exclaimed as he turned and waited for me . As I explained , he took my hand and we walked to the area of my planned garden shed , him listening intently and smiling the whole time . I got the carpets cleaned , the living room cleaned up and the bathrooms cleaned . Putting the roast in the oven for dinner tonight and for the left over to use for tomorrow evening , I was still thinking about the brunch and meeting Debbie Macomber . What an exciting prospect that seemed . I was going to possibly meet a real Author . Someone , I had admired for some time now but just hadn 't had the chance to read . She was born the same year I was . Her life has not been without heartaches . She is a real inspiration . She gives me hope . My thoughts went back to what I still had to get done . I had curtains in the washer that had to be re - hung , dusting , sweep and mop the kitchen , and figure out what to do with all my sewing that I have strewn all over the kitchen table . Let 's see , as soon as the roast comes out I need to get the cake in the oven . I was making Pork Fried Rice accompanied by Orange Salad for dinner Saturday evening followed by Carrot Cake with Cream Cheese Icing and ice cream for dessert . My special Carrot Cake . Everyone loves it . It 'll be a hit for sure . We were planning on eight of us for dinner before jam session . Saturday morning arrived and so did Diane promptly at 8 as she had said . We would be a little early but that was what we wanted . Parking would be a lot easier if earlier and so would a good seat for brunch . We weren 't the only ones with that idea . I think there had been a limit of sixty - five guests , which sold out quickly , and at least thirty were waiting in line already when we got there . So much for being early . We did , however , still get good seats , just in front of the stairway , where Debbie would be speaking . Just as we had expected , it was a delightful morning . Debbie shared some antidotes with us and spoke about how she tries to stay humble . She also spoke of several of her trips and World Vision of which she is their international spokesperson for their " Knit for Kids " charity initiative . Being most enjoyable and hugely funny she kept us ladies , and a few husbands that joined the group , quite entertained and then took on questions from the group . I have to say I had an exceptionally good time and am so thankful to Diane for asking me to go . Afterwards we were able to speak with Debbie briefly and get a picture with her . What a treat for me . Diane and I were still giddie over our encounter that morning and shared some of Debbie 's stories with the group during our dinner conversations Saturday evening . We ate in the dining room since I decided my sewing was going to stay on the kitchen table until I got done . Oh yes , and dinner was great , the cake was a hit , and jammin ' was fun , as usual . We did a few old songs , a new song I wrote because of , you know , one of those , a joke comment was made , and someone said that sounds like a song title , and Linda said , " Sandy can write one , she can do it , can 't you Sandy ! " which became an automatic challenge for me , so I took it on . Being true to country , I made it a little bit bad with a little beer , a few drunk women a cheatin ' man , a truck , train , prison and momma all included . We 've got the words but the tune isn 't quite right yet . Don 't expecThe highlight of my day though , will remain , meeting Debbie Macomber and hearing her speak of some of her own personal encounters , challenges , and beliefs . It was a good day . A very good day indeed ! Aug13 This morning , I 'm pulling from my files a short story written back in 2012 , which I have included in my , unpublished as of yet book , " A Little Bit of Me . " It is a book , mostly written for my children , about my life . It includes poems , most of which tell a story , short stories , pictures , and some drawing and art work . I 'm hoping , now to have the book published someday . In the meantime , I hope you enjoy this short , but true , story about a cat and dog that were truly a blessing to our lives as they supplied endless hours of entertainment and love to us . The Siamese cat and the Rottweiler dog don 't seem like a very probable pair . Frankie , the cat , likened herself to a princes , extraordinary , noble and certain that mousing was beneath her . She appeared to think she ruled the house and we , including the dogs , were just her attendants . In her case , I believe this assumption , was mostly true . Blossom was a one hundred and thirty pound dog engaging and delightful in disposition . Her immense , resplendent , brown eyes engulfed your senses and turned even the strongest of men into adoring , belly rubbing , playmates . Loving every one and every thing , this robust girl didn 't have an unkind bone in her body . Her only resolution in life was to please . One early spring morning while sitting in my easy chair reading , Blossom at my side , I noticed Frankie saunter into the room . As usual , she held her head high , but for some reason appeared to be extra dignified that day . She paraded , gingerly over to Blossom , rubbing gently from Blossom 's shoulder to her hip and back again , purring quite loudly . She repeated the action once more . Suddenly , I heard a very sassy meooow , then another and another as she looked at the dog with her intense , piercing , blue eyes . Blossom hadn 't been paying any attention , but now , she was sitting upright and taking notice , as was I . The cat sassed urgently and this time rubbed under Blossoms chin . With that , Frankie retreated slightly , meowed insistently , raised a paw with claws extended and slapped Blossom fiercely across the nose . She then meowed once more and rubbed Blossom 's chin . Blossom shook her head portraying a look of what seemed to be sheer amazement and I 'll be darned if she didn 't begin bathing Frankie right then and there . After a few minutes , Blossom hesitated slightly , as if contemplating her progress , and likely anticipating permission to cease . Instantly , here it came again . A meow so sassy you 'd be taken aback to hear it . Without hesitation , Blossom returned to bathing the cat . Frankie was luxuriating immensely in the whole bathing process , only shifting positions occasionally , to allow Blossom the ability to wash every inch of her . This went on for nearly a half an hour until Frankie was visibly wet . Finally , she arose , sporting what appeared to be a satisfied smile , meowed softly and yes , even pleasantly , rubbed Blossoms chin and without further adieu , pranced away . From that day forward this became a daily ritual between the two of them . Frankie would approach Blossom , rub her gently , and Blossom would respond immediately to the cats wishes , without the sassing or the slap , of course . The two of them shared many other encounters and rituals during their time together . This is but one or their stories . Lab , Border Collie . Such a love . Roxie , Brussels Griffon , Rescued at age two from puppy mill . Now eleven years old . A real cutie ! ROSIE … My love ! When we got Rosie at 7 weeks old she had pneumonia . It took a year to get her well . She now 11 and still perfectly healthy . Pebbles , Silkie TerrierX Rescued from puppy mill raid at age 2 . Now 11 years old . Images of Life Our flags are flying today ! Hostas , in the " Secret Garden " I love working with rocks in our designs . Longhorn steer , OK My two favorite super heros . Halloween cake Me & Steve 2015 Dougie , A Douglas Squirrel who seems to enjoy our company . One of my planters made for the July 4 Holiday . So we 're in OKC , what do ya think he 's doing … . I believe I mentioned chickens |
Whenever I See Your Smiling Face , I Have To … Run Away Screaming lizsower13 6 comments March 25 , 2017 And then , I was back to myself . Instead of easing my way into things I decided to jump in with abandon . I threw a house party for thirty people . Right before I sent the Paperless Post I added bring friends ! in the " note to guests " box . I immediately felt overwhelmed and tired before anyone had even replied . But what was done was done . I needed to clean the house , buy booze and order Anna 's . The party was epic . I woke up the morning after with the familiar anxious feeling of doom that a hangover delivers . While waiting for the coffee to brew I felt stabs of embarrassment as hazy memories peeked through the dehydration and amnesia . Clips of conversations , too loud laughter , cringe - worthy over - sharing and images of what must have been absurd dancing filled my mind . I found my phone on the floor in the living room . I opened the camera both hoping photos might jog my foggy mind and praying there was no documentation of the night 's hijinks . There were several selfie shots of me with friends . A cute photo of Chris with his cousin and some dark blurry shots from the back porch , though I had absolutely no recollection of being outside . I checked my text messages , a couple had come through around two ' o clock sending thanks for a fun party . One message was from a number I didn 't recognize . It had been sent at six - twenty a . m . Hey Liz , it read , thx for an awesome party . So gr8 2 meet u and chat . Looking forward 2 talking more about the stuff I 've seen in the swells . Does tmrw morning still work ? I can meet up after 9 . Talk soon - Molly . Molly ? I sipped my coffee and texted Leigh . Morning ! She replied immediately . SO fun last night ! Molly 's that cute girl who lives on Woodland . Wavy red hair … she had on that button back sweater . 18 mo old little girl . U guys were talking 4 a while ! Ha ha ! Shit . Maybe I did remember her . I did . We talked about moving out of the city , she 'd lived in the North End before coming to Wellesley . But what else had we talked about ? Ghosts . We 'd talked about ghosts and Wellesley and something about her childhood . It was fuzzy , but I had the feeling it had been really interesting . Ugh . How humiliating . I couldn 't even really remember what she looked like and I 'd apparently made a date to meet up with this woman . Another round of embarrassment washed over me . I couldn 't bail , that would be rude and weird and apparently she lived just around the corner . Something nagged at me too , something we 'd discussed , I remember wanting to know more , but for some reason we were interrupted or she had to leave or - that was it ! She had to go home to relieve the babysitter ! That 's why we decided to meet for coffee Monday morning . Got it . I texted Molly back , Tomorrow morning works for me ! Cafe Nero ? Done ! Be there at 9 . Came the quick reply . I walked into the cafe and scanned the packed dining area . I had a rough idea of the person I was looking for , Leigh had filled in the blanks in my memory . Shoulder length , wavy red hair , tall and thin , freckled nose and dark eyes . As stand out as that sounded , I was afraid I wouldn 't recognize Molly Vail ( Leigh had reminded me of her last name too ) . Luckily , she spotted me first . I dropped my jacket onto the cushy arm chair across from Molly and ordered a soy latte and a big blueberry muffin . I needed the carbs . I was still shaky from the weekend . When I returned to the table Molly and I shared a laugh over the party and sitting the kids in front of the television in order to nurse our hangovers Sunday morning . Though my embarrassment over being blackout drunk at the party lingered , I felt somewhat relieved that she 'd had a booze - soaked night as well . " You have an eighteen month old , right ? " I asked , breaking off a piece of muffin . " Yes , Eliza , " she replied . " How old are your girls again ? I can 't even fathom managing three kids . " " Me either , " I said with a laugh . We chatted a bit more about the neighborhood and kid - related stuff , then Molly sighed and placed her coffee cup on the table . " I was super nervous about talking with you this morning . But I have to tell someone and I don 't know anyone else who will understand . " " I 've interviewed a bunch people who didn 't want me to publish their story , " I said quickly . " Actually , I feel like I get cornered everywhere I go now . Everyone has a ghost story , even if they say they don 't believe in ghosts . Then there are people that just wanted to talk and unload what happened to them . Some of those stories I 've even recorded , but I won 't publish them . " " Oh , really ? " " I don 't even know why I hold onto them , " I replied . " That makes me feel better . But , " she said , nodding her head emphatically , " I think you should record my story and publish it . People here should know what 's happening and anyone else should know before they make the mistake of moving to this town . " " Ruh roh , " I said with a smile . Molly laughed , " Sorry , I don 't mean to be dramatic , I just , well , I regret moving here . There 's no chance of getting out now though . We overstretched for the house , we were so in love with it , and I thought for sure it would be our forever home . " " Is there something in your house ? " " No , I mean , yes , sometimes . But it 's the town that 's saturated , " she said quietly . " I 'm sorry , this is hard to explain . Look , I told you the other night that I 've seen things in Wellesley , but I didn 't tell you why I see them . " I shoved a huge bite of muffin in my mouth trying not to look too excited . Molly sipped her coffee then said , " I grew up in Weston . When I was seven we had this huge summer storm that left about ten inches of water in our basement and I wanted to go down there to splash around even though my mother told me not to . I stepped of the basement steps into the water and immediately my entire body began to buzz . The last thing I remember was trying to let go of the stairway banister but my hand had such a death grip on it that I couldn 't . Next thing I knew I was in ambulance , a paramedic over me yelling ' Come on , Molly . You got this girl . Come on back to us . ' " " Jesus , " I whispered . " I know . It was a miracle , " Molly said , almost sarcastically . " I 'd managed to fall backwards onto the steps . If I had gone forwards into the water that would have been the end of it . Luckily my older brother heard something that made him look down into the basement . He was smart enough to use a broom handle to lift my leg out of the water before dragging me up the steps . " " How did he even think to do that ? " I asked , imagining that I would have just grabbed someone immediately if I 'd encountered the same scene . " My pant leg was smoking , " Molly replied , raising an eyebrow . " My poor mother called the police while my brother did CPR on me on the kitchen floor . The physical recovery wasn 't that bad . I had a few broken ribs from the chest compressions and dealt with the worst headaches for a while . The doctors said that things could have been a lot worse since I 'd been dead for over five minutes . They insisted that I didn 't have any brain damage , but I did , they just couldn 't see it . " Hell , I mean , I didn 't realize it for a while . There were some , like , weird things that happened in the hospital , though I didn 't realize they were strange until later . A really kind nurse brought me a blanket when I was cold and some crayons and paper during the day . Then a sweet old woman read me a fairy tale book on " There was no kind nurse or sweet old lady , " I said , chilled . " Bingo , " Molly said with a little laugh , " Over my life I 've learned that spirits are totally harmless . They hang around and watch , they 're usually here because they are waiting for a loved one to pass so they can move on together . They keep an eye on people and help when they can , kind of like junior angels ' " " Are any of these well - meaning dead people with us now ? " I asked forcing myself not to walk out of the cafe and away from this dead person magnet . Molly smiled and looked at the long farmhouse table next to us . It could seat about ten people , but only two of the chairs were taken . She gave a small nod towards the elderly woman reading the newspaper at the far end of the table . " Her husband , Joe , is sitting next to her . He died about three and a half years ago of , um , eesh , " she drew in a sharp breath and grabbed her left shoulder then said , " heart failure . " Her attention turned to the bar and she said , " There 's a guy in a black suit over there , I don 't know who he 's here with . Um , " she scrunched her forehead , then said , " Oh . He 's passed within maybe the last year , he just wants to stay . " " Stop , please , " I said , laughing nervously . " I know I 'll have to go in soon and I don 't want to know if a dead person is lurking in there . " Molly smiled and said , " Sorry , I just don 't usually get to tell anyone about the things I see . You know , you have a few spaces around you . " " Thank God , " I said . Molly scrunched her forehead again , " It 's weird though , usually if they know a medium will be around dead friends of friends of friends show up trying to get a message through . It 's odd that they aren 't with us . " Molly shook her head , " No , it 's just new to me . I 'm used to the dead trying to get my attention when I am open like this , that 's all . " This town is so strange , " she said , shaking her head , " I swear I see something new every day . " " Yup , " Molly replied , scrunching up her nose as though she were confessing an embarrassing habit . " Either the electricity or the fact that I was dead for a good amount of time , or the combination of the two , threw the door in my mind way open . It took me forever to learn how to close it when I needed to . " I sort of got lucky and flew under the radar for a time . I don 't know why , but only a few of the spirits sensed that I could see them , you know ? Those two women in the hospital were fine , comforting , even , but then I went home and saw a little girl in the crawl space under our basement stairs . " " Oh , Lord , " I sighed . " Yeah , we had a storage space under there where we kept winter gear , you know , like , hats and gloves and stuff . The space was only about four feet high at it 's highest point and it slanted downwards . " I was rifling through a bin of hats and mismatched mittens when I heard someone quietly humming Santa Claus is Coming to Town . A jolt went through my body . It was much less painful , but it felt a lot like the jolt that electrocuted me . It started at my feet then travelled up and out through my hands . When I 'd recovered I turned my head to the side and there she was , crouched in the corner , looking just as scared as I was . " I screamed and ran upstairs . I scared the hell out of my mom which totally pissed her off . She insisted that I go back down and get my hat and mittens . I couldn 't , so she dragged me down there by the arm and made a big fuss of pushing things around in the little closet to prove there wasn 't anyone in there . " She said something like , ' See , I told you , go ahead , look for yourself . ' I didn 't want to but I did . " The girl was still there , crouched in the corner . Only now she was crying . " " I 'm never opening our coat closet again , " I said . " Yeah , I had the same plan , " Molly replied with a sad smile . " Denial didn 't work , though . Once that little girl saw that I could see her she began shadowing me all over the house . By the third time I woke up to her sitting at the foot of my bed humming a lullaby I begged my mother to bring me back to the doctor . " " What did you tell her ? " I asked . " I told her I was having trouble with my vision , that I was seeing things that weren 't there - I said it was spots , not ghosts . I was convinced that I had major brain damage and that I was losing my mind . " But all the scans and the tests came back normal . While I was having my blood pressure taken I did confess to this one nurse what I was actually seeing and that got me diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress , which landed me with a very kind and very ineffective therapist . I figured out how to deal with him , but I had no idea what to do about the ghost in my house . " It was killing me , I was a nervous wreck , I 'd see her scurry across the hallway from one room to the next or I 'd get that electrical jolt and be too terrified to open the shower curtain . " In a way it was lucky , really . I could have seen something really bad as my first experience , but , at the time , she was enough to drive me to the edge of sanity . Finally , out of desperation I opened up to her . I went into my basement one afternoon when my parents and brother were out and called to her . " Molly laughed , " No , no . I just stood in front of that crawlspace and said , ' Come out and tell me what you want . ' I nearly wet my pants when I heard her answer directly behind me . She said , ' I 'll help you if you help me . ' " Molly laughed again , " It wasn 't like the horror movies , not that time anyway . She used to live in my house and she wanted me to find this Swiss Army knife she 'd hidden in a corner of the basement and mail it to her brother . Apparently , it was her father 's and she 'd snuck it out of his tool box and her brother had taken the blame . The girl , Ainsley , had died suddenly of a fever before she could confess . " " That is so sad , " I said . " Totally , " Molly agreed . " I did what she asked and then she helped me by explaining how ghosts work . She also told me to never go in our attic . I didn 't ask why , I just listened to her advice . A few days after I had mailed the knife to her brother she was gone . " " Oh yeah , I mean , that can totally happen too . It 's one of their favorite disguises . But they can 't do that with me , they can 't trick me . I see them for what they are . If I see a dead person , then it 's a dead person . If it 's something else , then I 'll see it 's true form . " " I 'm afraid to even ask , " I said , groaning . " Yeah , " she said , slowly , " I 've seen weird things over the years , but it was , like , once in a blue moon . Not here , Wellesley 's different . " " How so ? " I asked , tales of lay lines , demon nests , exorcisms and black eyed kids flitting through my mind . " Well , that 's really why I wanted to talk to you . This town is a supernatural mess , something blocked me from seeing it when we were looking at houses , but once we bought the house , I just knew . " I 'm not telling you anything new , you 've interviewed plenty of haunted people . The thing is , " Molly paused , looking uneasy , " There 's something following me . I mean , I 've been followed by things before , ghosts and otherwise , but I can usually help them or at least shut them out completely . This thing is different . It 's tricky . It 's evil . " The reason I had such a hard time recognizing it was because it looks human . At first I figured he was a neighbor and we were just on the same grocery shopping and school drop off schedule , you know ? " The first time I saw him was this past fall on the playground at Sprague . I was pushing Eliza on the swings and I noticed him sitting at one of the picnic tables under that little , like , permanent tent thing , you know ? " I nodded my head , picturing the structure . " He was watching a group of boys climbing the old jungle gym , I figured he was one of their dads . It was early on a Saturday morning , like seven - thirty , and he was wearing a light grey suit with a black dress shirt and tie . He had on this straw boater hat and it was tipped down over his eyes . Not a look you see very often , you know ? " I kept an eye on him and eventually he got up and walked past the boys to the trail around the side of the school . It was odd enough that I decided to stick around until either another adult showed up or the kids left . I even considered following the boys home if they did head out just to be sure they made it safely , you know ? " " Good instincts , " I said . " Yeah , well , they 're hard won . I lived in Baltimore for a while and I learned quickly that if you feel like something is off , then it is . The boys parents showed up about twenty minutes later so Eliza and I headed to Starbucks and I didn 't really give the guy another thought . " That 's not true , " she said quickly , interrupting herself , " I did mention the guy to Patrick after I got home . He brushed it off and said it was probably some guy just out for a walk . I didn 't agree , but I dropped it . A couple weeks later I saw him when I parked the car at the Dunkin Donuts across from Roche Bros . It was a Wednesday around noon and the middle school kids were swarming . " As I parked I saw him standing towards the back of the lot , staring at a group of kids messing around outside of Dunks . He had on that same damn suit and hat . No expression on his face , he was just observing them , you know ? So I sat there and watched him . There was something off but I couldn 't figure out what , honestly I thought he was probably a pedafile . I actually picked up my phone to call the police when he turned and walked back behind the building . " I know it 's stupid , but I got out of the car and followed him . I thought maybe there were kids back there and I wanted to intervene immediately knowing the cops wouldn 't be there fast enough if he was after them . " But when I walked back there he was gone . Completely gone . I even went and looked both ways on the railroad tracks thinking maybe he 'd scooted down the bank quickly , but there was just no sign of him . " The third time I saw him I really saw him , and unfortunately he saw me too . Eliza and I were with some neighbors at the Bates playground one Saturday morning in early December . It was cold , not too cold to run the kids a bit , but we were still the only ones there , or so I thought . " You know the fenced in part of the playground that backs up to Boulder Brook Reservation ? " She asked . " Well , the other mom and I got talking and her kids had been on the jungle gym , but then we sort of realized at the same time that they had wandered back to that little fenced in cove in the woods . Eliza was sitting in the stroller then , thank God , having a snack . " Karen and I - do you know Karen Howell ? She 's over on Elmwood , she has girls , um , three and a half and six I think , " I shook my head , I hadn 't met her yet . " Oh , well , I 'll have to introduce you , she 's really funny . Anyway , Karen and I followed the little path back into the cove watching her daughters climb on the big rocks . I 'd rolled Eliza over with us and was bending down to grab her a juice box when I stood and happened to look back into the woods . " He was there . " " Oh shit , " I said . " Yeah . He was standing , motionless next to a tree , about , maybe , I don 't know , I am terrible at gauging distances , but like fifteen or twenty feet back in the woods and he was staring at Karen 's kids playing on the rocks . Just observing again . Expressionless , that is until he saw me watching him , " Molly gave an involuntary shiver . " When he saw me , when he made eye contact I got that old electrical jolt and then he - " she sighed then said quietly , " He smiled . It was unnatural . This sounds absolutely impossible , but his smile stretched from ear to ear , literally . His lips just kept stretching wider and wider until he had this huge thin smile , but , not a smile really , it was more like a leer . And his teeth , " Molly shivered again , " Even though he was pretty far away I could see how dirty they were . All yellow and grey . " " I froze for a moment and we just stared at each other . I wasn 't getting anything off him , like , information , you know ? Usually when I see something weird I can pick up a little bit about the thing , like a sense of their intentions . " I couldn 't sense anything from this guy psychically , but the look on his face told me everything . He was excited in a really bad way . I realized that Karen was standing right next to me looking into the trees . ' Whatcha looking at ? ' she asked . " I glanced over at her then back at the guy and he gave this tiny little head shake and began walking , or really , like gliding backwards into the woods until he disappeared out of sight . " I told Karen we had to get out of there immediately , that there was a man lurking in the woods . We grabbed her girls and walked right to the front of the school . Karen called 9 - 1 - 1 and I pretended like reporting the guy would matter . I knew they wouldn 't find him and I really didn 't think it was a good idea for anyone to be traipsing around in the reservation . I had no idea what that thing was capable of . " " It 's taken a lifetime of practice , " she replied , picking at some of the blueberry muffin crumbs on my plate . " So this creepy grinning man is just lurking around town spying on kids ? " I said . I shook my head not understanding what she meant . " Sorry , yeah , " she sighed , " I didn 't really get the concept until we moved to this God - forsaken town either . So , like , dead people , ghosts , whatever , the longer they stay here on this plane the more they learn to interact in a way that the living can understand or at least sense . " At first they just sort of hang out near us and lose the time a lot and kind of pop in and out of consciousness . But then they get the hang of things and if they want to get someone 's attention they can usually figure out a way to do it . If they are experiencing a really strong emotion , like grief or anger they might even do something by accident that gets noticed . " Like those things that ghost hunters call ' residual hauntings ? ' They are trapped souls reliving their lives over and over until a medium can get through to them to tell them that they are dead and that they don 't have to experience trauma over and over again . Otherwise , they could continue going through it indefinitely . " " How the hell did they react ? " I asked . Molly laughed , " Oh , just about as you would imagine . Completely freaked out , one dead woman thought that I was the ghost . It can take some time to get through to them , the reality they 've created for themselves has been so traumatic and so , well , real to them that it takes time for them to accept that it was all in their minds . " " Well , yeah , but you sort of do after you die . That 's all that you take with you , your thoughts and your memories and your grudges and grief . That 's why things like Civil War reenactments on battlefields make me sick . There are spirits trapped there , reliving the worst moments in their lives and then these yahoos come in trying to romanticize war and death and it is pure torture for the dead people there . " If nothing else it further entrenches their false reality . If those so called ' reenactors ' could feel for even five minutes the pure hell in those battles , they would be so ashamed . " " Have you seen what war was really like ? " I asked , fascinated . " Senior year my dad loaded us into the car and drove to Gettysburg . We were supposed to stay for a week but I lasted only two nights . I couldn 't take it . I moved on as many as I could , but it was like an endless sea of misery . " " Oh my God , Molly , " I said . " Don 't get me wrong , it was really hard at the time , but it is fine now . I 've learned to close myself off and open up if someone needs my help . It had become second nature , until we moved here . This place is saturated . Dead coming and going and the things , I mean , every monster you 've ever heard of and then some , I 've seen them here . The energy here , it 's calling it all in . " " The ley lines , " I said quietly . " Oh my God , really ? Oh geez , no wonder ! OK , that makes perfect sense then , I thought maybe it was the people , you know how everyone here is such a do - er ? I thought maybe their energy was combining and , like , taking on a life of it 's own . Opening portals by itself . " " Yeah , " she said , scrunching her nose , " I know of three but there have to be more . The weird thing is that they are usually a way for the dead to remain , like stuck in their own reality . Like they deliver them back to the places they fixate on . In New York City I saw one in the subway . There were dead people streaming through and I glimpsed a shadow figure which is super rare , but that was New York . The energy there is extreme . " So sure , in a big city enough energy could be generated to power a being from another dimension through a portal but it would take a lot . I mean , monsters can 't just come through willy nilly without a big push . So I guess the ley lines make sense combined with fact that the people here overflow with energy . The portals here are wide open . Anything can go in or come out . " " Like the grinning man , " I said . " Yeah , that freak . I don 't even know what he is , I mean his vibe reminds me a little bit of the shadow men but he 's more actualized or something . He 's hard to read but he has let some stuff slip through . Flashes of intention and I think some images of the future . I think I 've even picked up a little bit about their plan . " " Sorry , but all that heaven and hell , devil and demon stuff , it 's real . Not exactly the way religions describe it , like , you 're never doomed unless you want to be or , I mean , let yourself become so deceived that you believe you are , but , yeah . It 's real . " " Well , the creatures we fear , all the little monsters and the things that go bump , they are the agents of the devil . Demons are there to put bad thoughts in your mind and to command the lesser beings , the monsters . The demon 's intention is to distract and deceive , they work for the devil and support him in his ultimate goal . The monsters are farther down on the totem pole . They are nuisance creatures , sort of gathering the scraps of negativity , feeding off of it . " Some even believe that they are dead people that have become so warped in their own deception that the devil convinces them that they are monsters capable of only existing on the scraps of evil . Like an alcoholic that is so far into their addiction they can 't imagine a life without drinking , you know ? They are so turned around in their dependence that they give up on the idea that they could have any other life , or death really . " But those things have no real power , only the power we give them . So , it 's hard to explain , but they have no business being on our plane . Unless something powerful pushes them through , which the demons do when they find it beneficial for tipping a living person over the edge . But here , in this town , these monsters are sneaking in by themselves . " " No , really , it 's not like a totally steady wave . I think they are so used to not being able to cross over unless they are pushed through that most of them don 't know they can do it on their own . But word is spreading and that is how this creeper got through . " " Yeah , " she replied , wide - eyed . " I was picking out avocados and I looked up and he was right across from me , on the other side of the bin . We stared at one another for a moment and then he , " she closed her eyes tight and shook her head as if to shake off the memory , " He smiled at me . Up close it was appalling . His teeth aren 't just discolored , they are too long and perfectly straight across the tips . Cartoonish . " " Gross , " I said . " He followed me through the entire store . Actually , that 's not right , he walked in front of me , backwards so that he could watch me the whole time . I tried to communicate with him , tried to tell him to either tell me what he wanted or get the hell away from me . He was blocking me , a blank slate for the most part , but I cracked through a little bit . I got some images . Of creatures congregating around a portal . Things that I 've never seen before , tiny ones and huge insects with wings and , like a million legs , and other creatures that were so tall I couldn 't see their faces . It was like a perverted Dr . Seuss book . " He eventually disappeared , he went around the corner to the dairy aisle and when I turned to follow he was gone . It left me , sort of raw . Before that I 'd noticed a much higher number of dead people in this town but this encounter made it sink in that something bigger was happening . " I caught glimpses of him randomly a few times after that , lurking off in the distance , watching . But the next time I saw him I was in the community garden over by the golf course and that 's when he attached to me . " " What community garden ? " I asked . " Brookside , " she said . " It 's a little plot of land for people who need gardening space . Our yard is tiny and I love growing my own vegetables in the summer so I signed up for a plot . " " Cool , " I said , meaning it . " The plots are set in rows and they 're each surrounded by wire fences . It 's not the most attractive set up , but once I get going tending the garden I sort of lose myself in it . Anyway , in that warm spell we had a couple weeks ago I went over there thinking that I might be able to get a jump on raking or at least straighten up a bit . " My plot is just about dead center in the garden . It 's fussy to get in there , you know ? The rows between the plots are narrow and muddy and lined on each side by the tall wire fences that surround each individual garden . Since it was so nice out I thought I 'd might see some other people there , but it was just me . " So I was pulling up some old weeds when I got the feeling I was being watched . I looked over at the storage shed at the corner of the garden and there he was . " I felt trapped . He began gliding towards me so I scrambled out of my plot and ran down my row away from him . I felt , I mean I knew he was coming for me . " I ended up running onto the golf course there , I had no plan for where the hell I was going , I just wanted to be out in the open . I should have run out onto Oakland Street , but I was terrified . " Once I was in the middle of the green I spun around to confront him but he wasn 't there . At least , he wasn 't where I could see him . I screamed for him to come out , to just do whatever the fuck he was going to do already . " Molly sighed and stared off towards the bar , her eyes sad and unfocused . She continued , " That 's when it happened . " " What ? " I said after waiting a too long moment for Molly to explain . " Honestly , I don 't know , I passed out and woke up two hours later next to the garden shed . He was standing over me , grinning . He hasn 't left me since . " My mind raced . Oh shit , I thought , realizing what she meant . What freaking skeletons did I have ? What the hell did she know about me . " It 's a nightmare , " she said . " I know things that I shouldn 't . I 'll run into a neighbor at the grocery store and as I 'm talking to them I all of a sudden know that they snuck money out of the offering plate on Sunday . The little boy that lives across the street from us watched his parents have sex last Tuesday night . My OBGYN wants to get a divorce and she 's spreading rumors that her husband had an affair so it doesn 't look like it 's her fault . One of the baristas at Starbucks keeps a knife in her apron and is just waiting for someone to give her an excuse to use it . " " Don 't be . It 's like , this information he puts in my head , it 's not to embarrass the person I 'm talking to , it 's meant to embarrass me , you know ? He 's trying to make me feel uncomfortable around people . " He gets me when my guard is down . I don 't always have my shield up when I 'm just running errands . " " Is he 's here now ? " I asked . " Yeah , " she replied . I waited for her to explain and when she didn 't I demanded , " Well where the hell is he ? " " He 's with you all the time ? " " Yeah . I suppose it 's better that he 's attached to me and not lurking around playgrounds and kids , for now anyway . I just have to figure out how to get rid of him . " He 's a pest , but from what I can tell , he doesn 't really have the power to do anything too terrible . But he 's just one of the monsters in this town . " How many people read you blog ? " She asked abruptly . " I don 't know , a few hundred give or take , " I replied . " It 's not enough , " she whispered , then looked at her watch . " Shit . I have to go meet with our contractor in ten minutes , but , there 's something else I wanted to tell you . Molly looked down at her hands , " That thing that 's been bothering you lately , the thing you think might be a problem ? It is . I mean , not yet , but it will be if you don 't stop . You 're at , like , a crossroads . You can still choose , but you don 't have many more chances to take the right path . The bad path appears relatively harmless , but it 's not , it 's a trap , a really bad one . " I opened my mouth to respond , but I couldn 't . " You don 't have to tell me , really , but I just had to warn you . I had a vision of you at a fork in the road . One path was really narrow but it was bright and calm , the other course was like a wide alleyway , overhead was a storm . A dark , windy storm . " I nodded my head and began to explain when I felt a hand on my shoulder . " Liz ! I 've been meaning to text you ! Hi ! " the woman said , reaching out a hand to Molly . Molly stood and took her hand but didn 't say anything . I stood to hug Jenn , " Hey Jenn , this is my neighbor , Molly , " I said by way of introduction . " Good to meet you ! We have to get together soon , " Jenn said to me . " I 've been reading the blog , but I want to hear everything from the horse 's mouth . I 've got to grab a coffee quick , but let 's get together soon , OK ? Nice to meet you Molly ! " " No , " she said quietly . " Not a vision . She , well , she has something with her . Damn it , I shouldn 't have opened up this morning . I just thought it would help me to be more upfront with you . Fuck . " " Is she alright ? " " I don 't know , I 've never seen anything like that before . It 's huge , and it 's dark . It 's right over her shoulder . She has to get rid of it . " 6 thoughts on " Whenever I See Your Smiling Face , I Have To … Run Away Screaming " Kristy SP says : March 25 , 2017 at 3 : 47 pm Liz ! I love it . Well done , you . Well done . I am so scared right now . GorgonGumption says : March 30 , 2017 at 3 : 41 pm I read your blog in its entirety after your cryptids post - they just keep getting better ! The only thing scarier than this blog is the state of the American political system . Thanks for the much needed distraction . lizsower13 says : April 7 , 2017 at 6 : 12 am Thank you so very much ! I agree with you , real life is much more terrifying right now . I 'll take the ghosts and black eyed kids any day ! Cindy says : March 30 , 2017 at 5 : 48 pm I wait all month for new blog posts from you , and you never disappoint ! Absolutely love this latest installment , I 'm so glad I found Ghosts in the Burbs ! Can 't wait til the next one 🙂 Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Posted on September 22 , 2015 at 9 : 28 AM by anythinghorror The following post is a re - posting of an article I found on ScoopWhoop . com . As you know , I don 't generally re - blog articles , but this one is just too damn good to pass over . As it says in the original article : We bought an old house , my boyfriend and I . He 's in charge of the " new " construction - converting the kitchen in to the master bedroom for instance , while I 'm on wallpaper removal duty . The previous owner papered EVERY wall and CEILING ! Removing it is brutal , but oddly satisfying . The best feeling is getting a long peel , similar to your skin when you 're peeling from a sunburn . I don 't know about you but I kinda make a game of peeling , on the hunt for the longest piece before it rips . Under a corner section of paper in every room is a person 's name and a date . Curiosity got the best of me one night when I Googled one of the names and discovered the person was actually a missing person , the missing date matching the date under the wallpaper ! The next day , I made a list of all the names and dates . Sure enough each name was for a missing person with dates to match . We notified the police who naturally sent out the crime scene team . My parents constantly try to explain to me how sick he is . That I am lucky for having a brain where all the chemicals flow properly to their destinations like undammed rivers . When I complain about how bored I am without a little brother to play with , they try to make me feel bad by pointing out that his boredom likely far surpasses mine , considering his confine to a dark room in an institution . I always beg for them to give him one last chance . Of course , they did at first . Charlie has been back home several times , each shorter in duration than the last . Every time without fail , it all starts again . The neighbourhood cats with gouged out eyes showing up in his toy chest , my dad 's razors found dropped on the baby slide in the park across the street , mom 's vitamins replaced by bits of dishwasher tablets . My parents are hesitant now , using " last chances " sparingly . They say his disorder makes him charming , makes it easy for him to fake normalcy , and to trick the doctors who care for him into thinking he is ready for rehabilitation . That I will just have to put up with my boredom if it means staying safe from him . The next morning , there was a tap on the door . Gathering his courage , he opened it to see one of them gently place a plate filled with fried breakfast on the floor , then retreat to a safe distance . Bewildered , he accepted the gift . The creatures chittered excitedly . This happened every day for weeks . At first he was worried they were fattening him up , but after a particularly greasy breakfast left him clutching his chest from heartburn , they were replaced with fresh fruit . As well as cooking , they poured hot steamy baths for him and even tucked him in when he went to bed . It was bizarre . One night , he awoke to gunshots and screaming . He raced downstairs to find a decapitated burglar being devoured by the insects . He was sickened , but disposed of the remains as best he could . He knew they had just been protecting him . One morning the creatures wouldn 't let him leave his room . He lay down , confused but trusting as they ushered him back into bed . Whatever their motives , they weren 't going to hurt him . Hours later a burning pain spread throughout his body . It felt like his stomach was filled with razor wire . The insects chittered as he spasmed and moaned . It was only when he felt a terrible squirming feeling beneath his skin that he realised the insects hadn 't been protecting him . They had been protecting their young . Everyone loves the first day of school , right ? New year , new classes , new friends . It 's a day full of potential and hope , before all the dreary depressions of reality show up to ruin all the fun . I like the first day of school for a different reason , though . You see , I have a sort of power . When I look at people , I can … sense a sort of aura around them . A colored outline based on how long that person has to live . Most everyone I meet around my age is surrounded by a solid green hue , which means they have plenty of time left . The real fun is when the auras venture into the red end of the spectrum , though . Every now and again I 'll see someone who 's basically a walking stoplight . Those are the ones who get murdered or kill themselves . It 's such a rush to see them and know their time is numbered . With that in mind , I always get to class very early so I can scout out my classmates ' fates . The first kid who walked in was basically radiating red . I chuckled to myself . Too damn bad , bro . But as people kept walking in , they all had the same intense glow . I finally caught a glimpse of my rose - tinted reflection in the window , but I was too stunned to move . Our professor stepped in and locked the door , his aura a sickening shade of green . I entered the building on a bet . I was strapped for cash and didn 't buy into the old legends of the hotel to begin with , so fifty bucks was more than enough to get me do it . It was simple . Just reach the top floor , the 45th floor , shine my flashlight from a window . The hotel was old and broken , including the elevator , so that meant hiking up the stairs . So up the stairs I went . As I reached each platform , I noted the old brass plaques displaying the floor numbers . 15 , 16 , 17 , 18 . I felt a little tired as I crept higher , but so far , no ghosts , no cannibals , no demons . Piece of cake . I can 't tell you how happy I was as I entered that last stretch of numbers . I joyfully counted them aloud at each platform . 40 , 41 , 42 , 43 , 44 , 44 . I stopped and looked back down the stairs . I must have miscounted , so I continued up . 44 . One more flight . 44 . And then down ten flights . 44 . Fifteen flights . 44 . And so it 's been for as long as I can remember . So really , insanity isn 't doing something repeatedly and expecting different results . It 's knowing that the results will never ever change ; that each door leads to the same staircase , to the same number . It 's realizing you no longer fall asleep . It 's not knowing whether you 've been running for days or weeks or years . It 's when the sobbing slowly turns into laughter . My daughter woke me around 11 : 50 last night . My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally 's birthday party , brought her home , and put her to bed . My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game . It is 7 : 30 now . My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours . She still refuses to tell us where she got them . He had been given the watch on his tenth birthday . It was an ordinary grey plastic wristwatch in every respect except for the fact that it was counting down . " That is all of the time you have left in the world , son . Use it wisely . " And indeed he did . As the watch ticked away , the boy , now a man , lived life to the fullest . He climbed mountains and swam oceans . He talked and laughed and lived and loved . The man was never afraid , for he knew exactly how much time he had left . Eventually , the watch began its final countdown . The old man stood looking over everything he had done , everything he had built . 5 . He shook hands with his old business partner , the man who had long been his friend and confidant . 4 . His dog came and licked his hand , earning a pat on the head for its companionship . 3 . He hugged his son , knowing that he had been a good father . 2 . He kissed his wife on the forehead one last time . 1 . The old man smiled and closed his eyes . Then , nothing happened . The watch beeped once and turned off . The man stood standing there , very much alive . You would think that in that moment he would have been overjoyed . Instead , for the first time in his life , the man was scared . When my sister Betsy and I were kids , our family lived for awhile in a charming old farmhouse . We loved exploring its dusty corners and climbing the apple tree in the backyard . But our favorite thing was the ghost . We called her Mother , because she seemed so kind and nurturing . Some mornings Betsy and I would wake up , and on each of our nightstands , we 'd find a cup that hadn 't been there the night before . Mother had left them there , worried that we 'd get thirsty during the night . She just wanted to take care of us . Sometimes she 'd manage to move it all the way to the center of the room . We always felt sad putting it back against the wall . Mother just wanted to be near us . Years later , long after we 'd moved out , I found an old newspaper article about the farmhouse 's original occupant , a widow . She 'd murdered her two children by giving them each a cup of poisoned milk before bed . Then she 'd hanged herself . On Thursday , while the entire school was in the gym , we waited just outside the doors . I was to use the gun on whoever walked out first . Then he would take the gun and go into the gym blasting . I walked up to Mr . Quinn the guidance counselor and shot him in the face three times . He fell back into the gym , dead . The shots were deafening . We heard screams in the auditorium . No one could see us yet . I handed him the gun and whispered , " your turn . " He ran into the gym and started firing . I followed a moment after . I ran up behind him and tackled him . We struggled . I wrenched the gun out of his hands , turned it on him , and killed him . I closed his mouth forever . I roam the Earth , disposing of evil wherever I find it . I kill the monsters you don 't ever want to know about . I crush them completely so you can sleep at night . You humans have no idea how many of you live because of the work I do . It was one a . m . and Guy Halverson sat in his dark living room . He hadn 't moved for over an hour . The accident earlier that evening kept playing over and over in his mind . The light turned red , but he was in a hurry and accelerated . An orange blur came from his right , and in a split second there was a violent jolt , then the bicyclist rolled across his hood and fell out of sight on the pavement . Horns blared angrily and he panicked , stepping on the gas and screeching away from the chaos into the darkness , shaken and keeping an eye on his rearview mirror until he got home . Then someone tapped on the front door and his world suddenly crumbled away beneath him . They found me . There was nothing he could do but answer it . Running would only make matters worse . His body trembling , he got up , went to the door and opened it . A police officer stood under the porch light . " I am terribly sorry , but I 'm afraid I have some bad news . Your son 's bike was struck by a hit and run driver this evening . He died at the scene . I 'm very sorry for your loss . " No , not the sexy kind , but a foul creature with bony limbs and ashen skin ? The kind that snarls as you enter , like a beast about to pounce ? The kind that roots you to the spot with its sunken , hypnotic eyes , rendering you unable to flee as you watch the hideous thing uncoil from the shadows ? Has your heart started racing though your legs refuse to ? Have you felt time slow as the creature crosses the room in the darkness of a blink ? Have you shuddered with fear when it places one clawed hand atop your head and another under your chin so it can tilt you , exposing your neck ? Have you squirmed as its rough , dry tongue slides down your cheek , over your jaw , to your throat , in a slithering search that 's seeking your artery ? Have you felt its hot breath release in a hiss against your skin when it probes your pulse - the flow that leads to your brain ? Has its tongue rested there , throbbing slightly as if savoring the moment ? Have you then experienced a sinking , sucking blackness as you discover that not all vampires feed on blood - some feed on memories ? " I don 't need therapy . I need answers . They seem to have a life all their own . I can 't hold a job . I 'm under investigation for assault . I almost killed my neighbor . This can 't go on . I 'll try anything at this point . " He was convinced that despite what the doctors said , it was not a psychological problem . That night , a frustrated and angry Adam sat in a chair and drank bourbon . Drunk and hopeless , he stumbled to the garage and started the table saw , then slowly lowered his wrists toward the screaming blade . I don 't know why I looked up , but when I did I saw him there . He stood against my window . His forehead rested against the glass , and his eyes were still and light and he smiled a lipstick - red , cartoonish grin . And he just stood there in the window . My wife was upstairs sleeping , my son was in his crib and I couldn 't move I froze and watched him looking past me through the glass . Oh , please no . His smile never moved but he put a hand up and slid it down the glass , watching me . With matted hair and yellow skin and face through the window . I couldn 't do anything . I just stayed there , frozen , feet still in the bushes I was pruning , looking into my home . He stood against my window . It was a woman in Costa Rica who made the latest and most disturbing discovery . She recognized one of the fallen bodies as a long dead relative , one who died back when she had been a teenager . Then more and more identifications were made . Even more distressing , after disposing of the bodies , it wouldn 't be long until that same body came plummeting from the sky again . You could not get rid of them , no matter what . People were getting killed by the higher volume of falling bodies , and soon after burial , they too , began to fall . My mother was killed when a body landed on her car , crushing her . The next week , the news reported on a body that had gotten lodged in an airplane windshield . I saw my mother 's grinning face , the happiest I had ever seen her . I glared at him . " Shut up and stop ruining the moment . If you sit back down and enjoy the ceremony , maybe I 'll tell you where I 've hidden the rest of her body . " I start digging again , but realize it 's taking too long . Looking around , I see a garden shed . I sprint to it , ripping the door open . I see a shovel , still caked in dirt . Probably the same one that bastard buried her with . I grab it . I reach into my bag , pulling out my rag and chloroform . I crouch down , placing it over her face . She struggles , faints . I toss her over my shoulder . Look , I 'll be the first to admit I 'm a complete bastard . I 'm also lazy . I 'm only here to find the idiot , because there 's almost always an idiot . This support group is pretty typical . We connected online , decided on a quiet place , and now we 're all sitting cross - legged in a circle . Real Kumbaya crap . Jerome takes the lead , pouring everyone a cup of tea as he starts talking . Jerome tells us he 's never been loved . I can see why - the guy 's ugly as sin . He sips his tea while the mousy chick speaks next . Short and sweet , no blubbering . Gotta admire Miyu . She 's probably not the idiot . Next to talk are a legless veteran , a broke businessman , a needle - tracked junkie , and a diseased old crone . Then it 's my turn . Afterwards , we 're all sitting quietly when Jerome keels over . Then Miyu 's eyes roll back and she slumps forward . Only the fat kid reacts . Oh , how ghost - white he turns , looking into his cup ! I love it ! These suicide meetups are a sadist 's dream , and I never have to lift a finger . Little Emily vanished last year . Now they 're pouring new sidewalks in my neighborhood , and I 've found her name in the wet cement , written in remembrance . But it was written in reverse . And from below . I bought a new house in the small town of Winthrop . The house was cheap , but the most important part was that I needed to get away from the city . A few months ago , I had a run - in with a stalker . While I had managed to get him arrested , I couldn 't shake the feeling of eyes just constantly watching me . I felt like there were eyes everywhere , at home and on the street , so I decided to move out into the country to somewhere with less people , just for peace of mind . The house itself was big and somewhat old , but otherwise very welcoming . The agent who introduced me to the house had been required to mention that a serial killer had lived here in the past , which was why the house was so cheap . However , he , and later , my next door neighbor Sarah , both told me to pay the thought no mind . Four other owners had lived in the house since then , and all of them were very happy with it . I loved the house . Its interior furnishings were beautiful and very comfortable . The people of Winthrop were friendly , often bringing over freshly baked pastries or inviting me over for dinner . " Get - togethers , " they said , " were the key to making sure everyone who lived in Winthrop loved it there . " Yet after a week , I stopped " loving it . " The feeling of someone watching returned , worse than before . I tried to ignore it , but soon I started losing sleep . Giant bags grew under my eyes and I began yawning almost as much as I breathed . Sarah was kind enough to let me stay in her house for a few nights . It was during this time that I heard the legend of Forrest Carter , the serial killer who had lived in my house . While no one knows his exact kill count , Carter , also known as the Winthrop Peacock , was a man with extremely severe case of narcissism . Legends say that he couldn 't fall asleep if he didn 't feel like he was being watched . He was finally arrested for putting up a scarecrow to watch him during the night . Only it wasn 't a scarecrow . Carter had murdered a 17 year old girl , just so her corpse could stare at him . Today , however , was the first day that I acted out . I was cooking breakfast , when I felt the eyes . Instinctively , out of fear , I threw my kitchen knife , which lodged itself into the wall . As I pulled it out , I found myself staring at a pair of eyes , pickling in formaldehyde . I 've been watching the police peel away the drywall of my house for hours now . So far , they 've found 142 pairs of eyes in little glass jars . The scariest thing is , each and every one was staring at me . It started just three days ago . Something happened , out there in the world , and before we even get news of what 's going on , seemingly half of the world is gone . Police and military were unable to stop it , providing such a short frame of resistance it 's hard to know whether it was real or just a fluke . There was no centralised target , no way to use our most powerful weapons , not without incinerating ourselves in the process . They poured forth across the world , from wherever it was that it started . The effect is instantaneous . Her desperate crying calms to a series of sobs and hiccoughs , her small body shuddering against mine in fear . I keep humming to her , soothing her hair , acting for all the world as if nothing is out of place , not a single thing amiss . Agonisingly slowly , in a reverse cadence of the sound of splintering wood , she calms down . I can feel it when she stops tensing , as I keep stroking her down the sides of her head . A final hiccough of a sob , and she falls quiet , her body relaxed . If only he spoke and tried to reason with me then maybe he could 've lived . But that was obviously not going to happen . After all , he was born just a few minutes ago . In the year 2026 the Messiah came back down to Earth . She performed miracles and cured the sick . There was no doubt as to her authenticity . She appeared to all nations at once . All believed . All worshipped her . Some time later , after this period of our history known as the Age of Peace , She dropped a bombshell on us . She warned us that Heaven was almost full . Nobody had gone to Hell during this Age . There were a fixed amount of spots left . Paradise would be closed to all who died after the Gates close . That is when the Mass Suicides began . Taking your own life , She had told us , was not a sin if you died a pious man . The race was on ! I flung myself through the door and vaulted the toppled , long - dead refrigerator that served as an ineffective barricade in front of me . My legs propelled me through the room and into the small hallway on the other side . I couldn 't stop to eat the expired contents of the fridge , appealing to me despite their stench after several days without food . The shrieks of pain and cries for mercy around me spurred my body onward and filled me with unexpected energy in spite of my hunger . My fear heightened and images of the enemy flooded my mind . Merciless beasts wearing human skin , devouring indiscriminately , accepting no pleas and respecting no argument . Zombies . It had begun as we expected , with a virus . The original infected were almost a cliché . There was no humanity left in them . Just mindless rage , twisted bodies , and some primal urge to consume others . Our generation had prepared , with almost obsessive focus , for this monster . The first wave was eradicated with almost laughable ease . Most of the first zombies were killed at close range , you understand , since longer range attacks were less likely to be fatal . We had trained ourselves , even before the outbreak , to equate " infection " with " death " when it came to zombies . A person " died " when their eyes clouded over and they started biting , not when you put a bullet in their head . Maybe you could pull the trigger on a hopelessly crazed caricature of your best friend , your spouse , your child . But what if there was still a soul behind those eyes ? If even as they attacked , they sobbed and screamed in their own voice ? All the virus needed was a moment 's hesitation . Which is why now I could only watch as my arm wrenched back the shower curtain and my hands reached for the cowering child . Why I could only beg for forgiveness before the virus used my mouth to tear ragged , bloody hunks from his body . Why I couldn 't even vomit as my hunger dissipated with the now sickeningly familiar taste of human flesh . Last night a friend rushed me out of the house to catch the opening act at a local bar 's music night . After a few drinks I realized my phone wasn 't in my pocket . I checked the table we were sitting at , the bar , the bathrooms , and after no luck I used my friend 's phone to call mine . After two rings someone answered , gave out a low raspy giggle , and hung up . They didn 't answer again . I eventually gave it up as a lost cause and headed home . Here they come again , the brave ones . Another Halloween night , and the kids are back , here to prove their fearlessness . The old house 's floorboards creak beneath their sneakers . Fifteen minutes until midnight . Time to take things up a notch . I hover up to the ceiling , and will my body into flesh . My every nerve is on fire , but they 've given me no choice . I force drops of blood to trickle out my nose , but the boys below don 't notice . I knock against the ceiling , but they won 't even look up . Five minutes until midnight . I 'm running out of time . With the last of my strength , I scream - so loud that they finally turn to look up at me . I like to think I put on a good show : I sway on an invisible noose , and the blood flows freely from my nostrils now . A couple of drops hit a skinny one with a crew cut . The boys scream and run into the night , just in time . Below me , I hear the Thing turn , its disappointment palpable . For now , it sleeps . But one day , I will fail . The boys will be too brave , and I won 't scare them out in time . One day they will wake it . Mommy always leaves me and daddy home on Saturday nights , and me and daddy always go get ice cream in the car after dinner . I have to sit in the back seat until I 'm a big boy . I go in the kitchen to see what daddy is cooking for dinner after my Barney movie is over , but he 's not in there this time . I saw a note on the counter that said mommy and uncle James were going somewhere together . I 'm not sure , I don 't read that good . I go find daddy in the garage . I shut the door behind me like I 'm supposed to . Daddy is in the car and he already has the car turned on . We must not be eating dinner tonight , only ice cream . I get in the backseat behind daddy since I 'm not a big boy yet . Daddy doesn 't say anything when I said hello to him . Maybe he can 't hear me over the loud car . I think I 'll take a nap on the way to ice cream . I feel kinda sleepy . I don 't want to sound mean , but the dead are pretty clueless . I 've always seen them . When I was younger everyone thought I was just talking to imaginary friends . After a couple years , when I overheard my parents talk about calling a psychologist , I realised what I was talking to . See , ghosts don 't tend to realise they 're dead , and they don 't look like in the movies , they look just like us . I 'm pretty smart for a 13 year old , so I started noticing certain patterns to tell them apart from the living . They could be a bit distant from living people , or you 'd see them try to talk to people who wouldn 't even notice them . Some of them could tell I was different , that I noticed them . Like this guy I saw after school yesterday . I 'm a big boy now , see , I don 't need my parents to pick me up , home is just a short walk away . He was standing away from the other parents , didn 't talk to them , just stared at me , that 's how I knew he was one of the ghosts . I went over , told him I knew what he was and asked how I could help him . I don 't remember much after that , I think because of what happened this morning . Downstairs , my parents were crying . I tried talking to them but they ignored me . They must have died last night somehow , sometimes the new ghosts wouldn 't talk to me . Some police officers and reporters just arrived , they won 't talk to me either , just my parents . It 's weird , I 've never seen so many ghosts together before . Why won 't anyone talk to me ? Hello , my dear . You do not know who I am , but I know you . I am one of the three demons that were assigned to you at birth . You see , some people in this world are destined for greatness , destined to live happy , fulfilling lives . You , I am afraid , are not one of those people , and it is our job to make sure of that . Shame is my younger brother , the demon on your left shoulder . Shame tells you that you 're a freak ; that those thought you have are not normal ; that you will never fit in . Shame whispered into your ear when your mother found you playing with yourself as a child . Shame is the one who makes you hate yourself . Fear sits on your right shoulder . He is my older brother , as old as life itself . Fear fills every dark corner with monsters , turns every stranger on a dark street into a murderer . Fear stops you from telling your crush how you feel . He tells you it is better not to try than let people see you fail . Fear makes you build your own prison . Who am I , then ? I am the worst of your demons , but you see me as a friend . You turn to me when you have nothing else , because I live in your heart . I am the one who forces you to endure . The one who prolongs your torment . |
She shushed him , aiming her binoculars left as the helicopter turned . Evan had been flying her for almost two hours now , a much longer excursion than usual . It was easy to understand his frustration . Still , Pamela hadn 't gotten a good triangulation . The elephants were traveling northeast , and the birds were flying southeast , but where would their paths cross ? " What about the fish ? " Evan asked . It might 've been a joke . The helicopter was so loud , Pamela couldn 't even be sure if she 'd heard him correctly . " Plenty of aquatic life have tracking tags , " she answered . " Marine biologists love those things . We can ask them later . " It was almost a good enough angle for her to take out her camera and snap a photograph . It would 've been marvelous , and their boss would 've loved it , but they had to stay focused . There wasn 't time to get the camera set up and wait for a perfect shot , not with Evan in this mood . Pamela aimed eastward . They were far from any cities , hanging over northeastern Egypt . There was sparse foliage , and there was hardly any color but beige to be seen . They were all going somewhere . It was clear to everyone in the world . It started quietly , only noticed by a handful of researchers , noticing migration patterns changing . Some animals shifted course , going due east , others going due west . Even the sea creatures , like the whales and the fish , all suddenly changed course . The birds stop flying south for the winter . The salmon stopped returning to the rivers . They were all going the wrong way . Other people started to notice too . There weren 't so many mosquitoes out anymore . There weren 't so many ants , or flies , or bees . One by one , families found that their cats and dogs had escaped from their houses , sprinting off without any clear reason . Birds went wild , breaking free form their cages . Hamsters tried to squeeze between the bars , break free . Fish leapt out of their aquariums only to dry out and die on the hardwood floor . The scientists worked together , comparing data , and the military donated some vehicles to watch over the bizarre migrations , and everybody seemed to cooperate thanks to this strange , inexplicable phenomenon . Everything else in the world simply … stopped . No more wars . No more politics . No more economics . It was captivating . " Here 's what gets me , " he said , his words almost completely lost under the helicopter 's propellers . " If all of the animals are going to the same place at the same time by sheer instinct , oftentimes even land - designed animals leaping into an ocean and drowning because the stupid things can 't swim , why aren 't humans captured by that same instinct ? We 're animals too , aren 't we ? " That made Pamela lower her binoculars . She chewed on her lip as she thought . " We 're following the animals . Seems like we 're winding up at the same place anyway , doesn 't it ? Maybe the others are doing the same thing , just following each other . " Evan was gawking through the front windshield searching for what she saw . It was very faint , but she knew . There was a massive circle of animals , all standing around one specific point . As they flew in closer , Pamela could tell that they weren 't the first ones to arrive . There were a couple of other helicopters landed on the uneven terrain , not a long distance off . And there were tire tracks , and sounds of commotion , and cars , and vans , and it was an incredible sight to see . " I don 't know about you , but I get the sense that these animals aren 't going to move for anything . They came all this way to get scared off by a couple of pesky people ? I don 't think so . " Nonetheless , Evan seemed to see the sense of it and started to bring the helicopter downward . " Researchers like ourselves , " he guessed . " Or maybe locals around the area . We 're not the only ones who noticed the stampede . It 's all over the news . " As the ground grew closer , there were more people visible than she 'd imagined . Hundreds had gotten here before them . Pamela couldn 't help but feel a twinge of annoyance that they were far from the first to find the location . By the time they 'd landed and packed up their gear , four more vans had driven up and parked , one of which belonged to a news team . It only made her more anxious . It didn 't seem right , all of these wild animals being gaped at like they were in a zoo . Then again , she 'd shown up to gape at them as well . " Show ? " Pamela said back to him . It wasn 't the right term at all . These people had no respect . Before long , this really was going to turn into a stampede , and nobody would be grinning then . The man took of his sunglasses , squinting . " The show . You haven 't got the news , have you ? With you flying around the past hour or so , must 've missed it . " He grinned again . " This place is sacred . The birthplace of all life . Mankind started here , and I suppose every other animal did too . And now there 's a new one . " Pamela didn 't understand . Everything she knew about evolution and adaptation was flickering through her brain , but she contained herself . " A new animal , " she stated . The man pointed . " It 'll appear right in the center of that ring . Instinct brought the others back home to watch . S ' pose it brought you two as well . " The doctor adjusted his glasses . " It 's a neurological disorder . Degenerative . The longest you might live is up to ten years , but I wouldn 't get optimistic . Most people don 't even make it to three . " Brett looked at his hands in his lap . He was clammy all over . He 'd felt it in his head , in his brain , only slightly . There hadn 't been any real symptoms , just a feeling of uneasiness . He 'd also been feeling dreadfully lonely , which the doctor had assured him was a classic symptom . " Is there no cure ? No operation ? Nothing ? " " But of course I 'll do it ! " Brett said . " Why shouldn 't I ? Tell me what the cure is . Is it a matter of cost ? I 'll pay everything I 've got ! " The doctor was shaking his head the moment Brett had started talking . " The cure isn 't something that I can give you . It 's not medical , precisely . " " Not medical . " The doctor took a breath , and then finally dropped his clipboard on the desk in front of him with defeat . " The only cure is true love . " Brett assumed that he 'd misheard . " True love ? " It was silly to say it aloud . Obviously he 'd misheard . Brett didn 't know much about neuroscience , but it was clearly ridiculous . " That 's right , " the doctor said . " The only way to treat this disorder is to find true love . Of the reported cases , only five percent , maybe less , have been able to treat themselves . Despite appearances in the modern world , true love is extremely rare . " " True love ! " Brett found himself laughing . He must 've been dreaming . " The only thing I have to do is find true love ? I 'll go on some dating websites ! Do some speed dating ! Whatever ! You said I had years to pull it off ! " The doctor coughed into his fist . " Erm , yes , I did say that you had years . Many patients with this disorder make it at least two years after being diagnosed . But you see … true love is a chemical thing . Your brain is changed by it . A very small percentage of the population actually experiences it , even if they think that they can . " But Brett had stopped listening . There was a commercial running through his head , he 'd seen it on TV a hundred times , with that stupid little jingle . " Ladybot , " Brett said . " Ladybot . You 've seen the ads , haven 't you ? Manbots and Ladybots ? They 're a couple thousand bucks , but hey , that 's cheaper than cancer treatment ! " He was laughing again , uncontrollably . " That 's all I have to do ! I 'll buy myself a Ladybot and program her with the exact settings that I need ! " " It 'll work fine ! You 've seen how realistic they look these days ! A good Ladybot is practically indistinguishable from a human ! " Brett paused . " Maybe it 'll cost more than a couple thousand if I want the best on the market . Ah , but don 't you see ? " He was grinning like a crazy person . The doctor spread his arms . " As I 've already told you , the treatment is not medical . I can give you recommendations , but this is out of my hands . " Brett stood and felt compelled to shake the man 's hand . " Thanks a ton , doc . Don 't worry about me . I 'll be fine ! I 'll be great ! I 'll be cured in a month ! " Moments later , she returned with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich , his favorite lunch . " Again ? " he said , his shoulders slouching as he took the plate . " You gave me PB & J yesterday for lunch . " " Of course ! " Ladybot said . " You had told me that it was your favorite lunchtime meal ! I can show you my data logs if you 'd like . " " No , no , no , that 's fine . It 's just … Three PB & Js in a row is a little much . Can you spice things up a bit ? " " Reconfiguring programming , " Ladybot told him . " Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches will be served no more than two lunches in a row . They will also feature spices . " " It 's like , you know , you do everything I ask . It 's like you 're a slave , not a person . If you really want me to love you , you need to show some personality , maybe have some opinions that differ from mine . " " See ! There we go ! " Brett said , trying to make himself sound cheery . " Perfect . Just wonderful . What would you like to watch on the TV this afternoon ? " " Hm , ah , well , alright , " Brett said , his arm still halfway to the remote . " Now I feel like you 're just disagreeing with everything that I say . That isn 't quite what I meant . I think that you need to find a middle ground . " Brett shifted in his seat . Her skin felt a little too clammy . " Er , yes . I suppose it will do . We can work out the specifics later . But if I tell you how to act , it doesn 't make you feel all that … human ? " He shifted again . " Your skin is very cold . " " Anyway , as I was saying , " Brett went on , feeling her slowly warming , " I was thinking that maybe we should have some arguments , or something . It 's normal for couples , isn 't it ? We can 't be perfect . It feels too weird . So the percentage of future disagreements settings … Well , I feel - " " Contraction frequency is set to 10 % . 10 % of possible contractions in the English language will be applied to my vernacular . If you wish to reconfigure the programming - " " Ah ! Hm ! Oh . I think you 're missing my point . And please , can you make me something else to eat ? I don 't think I 'm in the mood for PB & J right this moment . " Brett drummed his fingers on his leg . " Hm ! Oh ! Ah . Well , I don 't quite like tuna sandwiches . I thought we 'd discussed this . " " That 's not , er , quite how it 's supposed to go . " Brett leapt to his feet , suddenly in a panic . " You 're supposed to make the tuna sandwich anyway , without even asking me ! And then I 'd get it from you and tell you I don 't like it , and you 're supposed to get offended ! And then , THEN we fight ! And you 'll tell me to eat it anyway , and complain about how much you do for me without anything in return , and I 'll try to defend myself , and … and … ! " The plane had been catapulted into deep space at an incredible velocity . The force was so powerful that every passenger was immediately knocked out . It took ten minutes for the acceleration to slow , and for the plane to to stop spinning so rapidly . It took a lot of effort to rouse the pilot . His eyes were bloodshot when he opened them . The force of the explosion had caused serious damage to his brain , though he didn 't know it yet . His head had also slammed into the console repeatedly . " Crashed ? " the pilot gurgled . " No , we 're in the air , " the copilot said . He looked out at the blackness again . " At least … I think we are . " For a moment he thought that they were deep underwater , but the plane wouldn 't withstand being submerged . He was reminded of his night flights . The copilot grappled with the controls , lightly maneuvering them , though he found that nothing he did could change the plane 's course . According to the monitors , they were spinning . Spinning ? How could that be ? The copilot unbuckled his seatbelt , and that was when he realized something that he should have when he 'd first woken up . He had been too dazed to notice , but he wasn 't completely situated in his seat . In fact , the moment that he unbuckled , his body started to rise upwards . Space . Hm . The pilot thought it over . There was no feasible way to locate Earth , if it was still out there at all . Which meant that this plane would never reach solid ground again . It was a disturbing thought , but as a pilot , he had trained himself to think objectively in a crisis . While most crashes happened while the plane was still on the ground , the pilot had experienced his fair share of close - calls in the air . Throughout his career , he 'd had to make four emergency landings during cross - continental flights , either due to inclement weather or due to faulty equipment . The copilot was not able to think so objectively . He was leaving the cockpit to investigate what had become of the passengers . However , he had only made it halfway to the door before panic set in . No gravity meant many of the plane 's controls would fail . The engines could move them forward , but it would be difficult to counteract the spin that the plane was currently experiencing . For example , if they were never going to land the plane , then that meant there was a limited amount of food . Furthermore , there was an even more limited amount of air . None of them were clear on the specifics , but they were correct in believing that the oxygen was leaking out of their plane at an alarming rate . Normally they would all have about two and a half hours to live . Fortunately , or perhaps unfortunately , several passengers had died from the massive explosion and sudden increase of velocity , and none of them were taking in oxygen . This saved the rest of the passengers approximately half an hour . In most situations that involved such a level of anxiety , the mayhem would escalate and some sort of brawl would break out . That 's what the intention was , at least . Several passengers were going to storm into the cockpit and attempt to commandeer the plane for themselves , because obvious the pilots had been flying them in the very wrong direction . Luckily for the copilot and the slightly brain - damaged pilot , the passengers didn 't get that far , as the lack of gravity made it much harder to maneuver than they 'd expected . Moving without gravity is one thing , but moving through a group of flailing people , all of whom are panicking , was much different . These were not the only humans left in existence . Four other airplanes had survived the explosion of Earth , with surprisingly few casualties . At the time , seven people had been aboard the International Space Station , and they had the highest chance of survival . Unfortunately , every single one of them happened to be male , so while they would last the longest , they would not be able to reproduce and save the species . The copilot did eventually make his way out to greet the passengers . He was unable to calm anybody , because he wasn 't especially calm himself . Fights kept breaking out as people flew around the cabin , crashing into each other and throwing fists . The fights never lasted very long , as they were surprisingly exhausting , but another fight would break out only moments later on the other end of the plane . " Yes , we 're from out of town , " Richard said . His fiancé was clutching his arm . He sensed that she was getting nervous , but now wasn 't the time to mention it . The burly man stood from behind his desk . " Desk " wasn 't the precise word for it . It was a block of wood , to be more accurate . Everything in the cabin was made out of wood . It did resemble an office , just a little , but Richard wouldn 't have known were it not for the sign . As the man passed the light to Richard , Richard noticed the thick leather gloves on the man 's hands . They were the sort of gloves that would strangle somebody in a movie . Richard shivered , considering how cold it would be in the forest . The moment that they stepped out of the office , his fiancé grabbed his arm again . What was she so worried about ? They 'd looked at all of the pictures online before they 'd driven all the way out here . It wasn 't that creepy . The burly man held his flashlight at his waist , already turning it on . It seemed unnecessary , yet they were only a minute 's walk into the trees when Richard felt he needed to turn his light on as well . The canopy was thick , leaving thin beams of light , beams that were too far apart . It was unnatural . " The trees are strong here , " the burly man said loudly . His voice should have echoed , but the sound was muffled by the thick air . " These trees grow taller and faster than any in recorded history . This place was noted by the pioneers since as early as 1740 . " As they walked , it got somehow darker . Richard 's fiancé tightened her grip , and he could feel her breath getting heavier . He was tempted to ask the man to slow down , but didn 't intend to interrupt . " But it 's the carvings ! " the man went on . " That 's what really draws people here today . They didn 't start appearing until a little over sixty years ago . Very peculiar . Very peculiar indeed . " " The carvings were first sighted by my grandfather . He 's the man who set up shop here , giving tours . Been passed down the family ever since . " Richard searched between the trees with his flashlight , hunting for a carving . They had only been walking for three or four minutes , but their car felt like it was miles away . He threw a glance to his fiancé , who seemed to be calming down as she got adjusted , but Richard frowned when he thought that he could see her breath . Was it really so cold ? How was that possible ? Again , he shivered . " Here we are ! " the burly man announced . The light settled on a wooden pole in front of them . But as Richard grew closer , he saw that it was anything but a pole . The wooden carving was about five feet tall . It was perfect and precise . It was the shape of a woman , with wide eyes and an open mouth . She looked like she 'd been startled by something . " Hm , " the man said . He swung his light around in a full circle , searching . " Usually this is the second one we find . Must 've passed the other . " Richard stepped forward . He felt his fiancé 's arm fall away from his . His pressed the flashlight up against the face of the carving . The detail was incredible . It was as if the woman had been full and alive only a moment ago . The man shrugged emphatically . " That 's the great mystery of it . I 've seen a lot of wood carvings in my day , and nothing as intricate as this . " His leather gloves tightened on his flashlight , and he cleared his throat . " Take as long as you like , but there 's plenty more to see . " " Alright . " The burly man aimed his light deeper into the trees . " This way then . " He paused , then nodded . " Yes , yes , this way . " They had only gone a short distance before they found another one . This carving was a tall man , his arms thrust out as if he 'd been sprinting . " It 's amazing , " Richard admitted . He reached out his free hand and ran his fingers along the hair . Then he felt the face , the cold face . The man took a few steps back , giving him some room . Richard hardly noticed , entranced . There was some magic inside of the wood , and he couldn 't look away . His hand kept moving over the surface , trying to imagine what kind of person was capable of carving this . How long had it taken ? How many were out here in this forest ? " What 's funny is that it isn 't sap at all . Should be , but it 's over ninety percent water . " He laughed a deep laugh . " Like they 're crying almost . " The burly man tucked his flashlight under his arm and rubbed his leather gloves together , huffing out the cold air sharply . " Alright , " the man said . " You go that way . I 'll check over there . " The man disappeared into the dark so fast the Richard was sure he 'd vanished into thin air . Shaking his head , Richard took cautious steps forward , waving the light around wildly . " Ashley ! Ashley ! " It was impossible that she had gotten so far that she couldn 't hear him . Then again , he 'd noticed how the thick air seemed to muffle sound . There was something wrong with this forest . Something very wrong . He was a person who liked routine . He craved routine , to be more precise . Every morning he woke up , went to work , had lunch at the same café , and went home . Kevin worked at a grocery store , working the checkout line on weekday mornings . Mornings were easy . The movements were so repetitive , the swiping of the barcodes , the sorting through the register … For hours at a time , Kevin could live with his eyes closed . He didn 't need to think . It wasn 't that he didn 't like thinking , he just never had much of anything worth thinking about . After work , he went to the café . Everybody there knew him . It was a run by a family , the mom , the dad , the three daughters . They would share some small talk , but they weren 't precisely friends . There was somebody new in the café that day . Kevin knew all of the lunchtime regulars . It was a young boy , probably still a student . He was sitting at the table next to Kevin 's , examining a crinkled white envelope . Kevin was eating a tuna salad sandwich . He almost always got the tuna salad sandwich on weekends . Mondays , Wednesdays , and Fridays were typically days for grilled cheese sandwiches , while the Tuesdays and Thursdays were for bacon cheeseburgers . The only reason that he would ever break from this tradition was if the café had run out of ingredients for his preferred meal . Often when he came in , he wouldn 't have to bother ordering . One of the daughters would simply gesture to a seat and bring out the day 's lunch . The boy tilted his head , as if searching for something on Kevin 's face . " Can I ask you a favor ? It won 't be any trouble . " " Kevin , " Kevin said , reaching out a hand and shaking his . He did it automatically , feeling that he had no choice . " I 've never seen you here . " " I don 't live in town , " the boy told him , shrugging slightly . His eyes were on the envelope too . " I 'm from a couple cities over . " His smile grew . " I don 't quite know , to be completely honest . This morning I stole my dad 's motorcycle , and I started riding down the highway . No direction , no destination . " Kevin studied his face . Bryan 's tone seemed politely cheerful , but there was still an ounce of disappointment hidden behind it all . " Why did you leave ? " Kevin asked . " A few years ago , my mom was in the hospital , sick . The docs gave her a one in ten chance of living . " He flapped the envelope again , the paper crinkling . " My mom always liked handwritten letters . She said there was something nostalgic about them , something … melancholic . " The word sounded strange coming from his mouth . Bryan looked at it again , as if he hadn 't realized he was holding it . " My dad didn 't like to visit her in the hospital . I wanted to go alone , so I could talk to her without him looming in the back of the room , listening and judging … " He sighed deeply . " About a week after we last visited , my mom sent this letter . But she was dead before the letter arrived . " Again , Bryan flapped the envelope against his palm . " My dad never saw the letter . I got it out of the mail , and I hid it in my room . " He sneered . " My dad didn 't deserve to see it , didn 't deserve to know her last words . " His face fell a moment later , like a deflating balloon . " I didn 't deserve to read it either . So I never opened it . " Bryan looked away , his gaze on anything but the envelope . " I don 't know , really . I had a fight with my dad last night . Not a big fight , or at least no bigger than any of the others . But I was done with him . It was the last time . So I left , and the only reason I stopped here was because the bike was running out of gas . " Bryan smiled , puffing air out of his nose . " You 're somebody . As long as it 's not me or my father , I don 't care who reads that letter . " Kevin picked it up . He 'd expected it to feel special , have a certain weight to it , but it was just crinkled paper . He didn 't want it . It was difficult to say precisely why , but it seemed that this letter wasn 't meant to be read . " Do you have any idea what it says ? " " I have no idea . I keep thinking about the kind of ink she used . Black ink ? Red ink ? Blue ink ? Maybe it was written with a pencil . Maybe it 's written in perfect calligraphy . Maybe it 's meaningless scribbles , a desperate message from a dying mind . Maybe the pages are blank , one last crazy joke to infuriate my father . " He shook his head . " I have no idea . And I have no intention of finding out . " Kevin stared at the paper , at the address on the front . The address was typed onto a sticker , likely printed off by the hospital . There really was no way of knowing what sort of ink had been used . You couldn 't see through the paper . " The town on the address , " Kevin said . " You really have come a long way . " The boy returned to his table , eating the rest of his meal quickly . He was finished within a matter of minutes . He stood up , paid at the register , thanked the staff , and left . Kevin could hear the motorcycle revving outside . Kevin wanted to open the envelope right there , right that instant . But something held him back . After he ate his lunch , he brought the envelope home , but still he didn 't open it . He decided to sleep on it , and save it for tomorrow . She always marveled at the mere idea of them . A pathway , arcing through the sky , crossing the water . And it was a miracle that they could be built at all , somehow placing those supports so deep in the river , somehow holding all of that weight for decades . It was when she was little , when she was ten , that she found her love . She had snuck out of home , told her parents she was going to her friend 's place up the street . And she went all the way out to the main street , and she went all the way out to the bridge that crossed the river into downtown . She 'd brought all the money that she 'd saved up , and she went to a music store to buy the new Muse album . And then she had a couple dollars left over , so she got herself an ice cream cone . And on the way home , she crossed back over that bridge , and there was a man there , standing at the edge . He had been looking out at the river , staring out to the bay . Must 've been new in the city . He should 've looked sad , but he looked impressed , but about what , she didn 't know . What was it about bridges that she loved so much ? It wasn 't anything particular . It was the possibilities . It was the aesthetic . It was the power . She never talked about it . It was her secret love . One time when she was a freshman , she was taking the bus home , and she saw them fixing the bridge on the far other end of town . She got out and watched , from her own bridge , the bridge where she 'd seen the man fall . They had these boats , and they had all these big trucks . She 'd waited there for hours , watching , until the sun was going down . Her parents got mad at her for disappearing , and she didn 't want to say what she 'd been doing . She wanted to build . She drew maps . She learned the physics , and the weight distribution . She watched shows . She saw books once , at the library , but she didn 't dare check them out . She wanted nothing more than to get a boat and sail under the bridges , see them from below , see them from an angle that nobody ever thought to look from . She rarely thought about that jumping man . And she knew that she shouldn 't , but she wanted to see somebody else , watch somebody else fall . One night , when the whole house was asleep , she gotten onto her mom 's computer and watched videos of people jumping , but most of them were jumping from buildings , and it just wasn 't the same . There was something about standing over the center of the river , standing where the arc is the highest , and falling straight into the middle . The symmetry was unbearable . Some bridges had a smell to them . She 'd gone to the coast once , on vacation . There was this big bridge they 'd crossed over , on the way into the hills , for a hike . And she could smell the bridge , like the sea , and she could almost see the barnacles clinging to the legs . She wanted to climb down and touch them , to feel them . Sometimes she thought that she felt a little bit too much , that her emotions could never be tamed when she needed it most . Bridges could never be moved . They were impossibly sturdy , fighting gravity , fighting the waves , fighting the water that tried to whittle them away . When she thought about that day , she almost never thought about the man who jumped . She thought about the ice cream . A scoop of raspberry and a scoop of vanilla , with hazelnuts sprinkled on top . Only a dollar eighty . She 'd never found that place again , or maybe they 'd just upped the prices . It was the cold and the wind , or maybe it was the stillness . She didn 't know . She didn 't know why she loved the bridges . She had so many guesses , but none of them tasted right in her mouth . Not that she 'd ever say them aloud . Mom brought a brochure home once , from some city she 'd traveled too , and it had a wide , majestic bridge on the front . The brochure went missing , hidden under a bed . What do normal teenagers hide under their beds ? Money ? Liquor ? Certainly not brochures . But some nights , she took it out from under her bed , and she touched the cover , wanted to touch the concrete , touch the steel . Hear the traffic going by . Taste that ice cream again , a scoop of raspberry and a scoop of vanilla , with hazelnuts sprinkled on top . She 'd forgotten the man 's face . She 'd forgotten it a long time ago . Maybe she 'd never remembered it at all . But she remembered the look he 'd given her . The smile . The look of wonder as he stared down the river , into the bay . The grace with which he 'd climbed up onto the railing . Dr . Eloise Verde stepped closer to the cell , her fingernails sliding down the glass . The Being was almost impossible to see , nothing more than a shadow . " I can barely see it . But I think I can hear it . " " You don 't hear it , " Harvard told her . " It 's not an auditory sensation . Purely a mental one . But this isn 't what I wanted to show you . We 've found something better . " Mrs . Harvard was a tall , broad - shouldered woman . Her hair was cut short , and her posture was so impeccable that she looked almost uncanny when she took her long strides forward . Had she not become a physicist , it would have been easy to picture her as an athlete , perhaps a swimmer . Harvard kept moving at a brisk pace , barely giving Dr . Verde a chance to glance in the other rooms . Most of them were apparently unoccupied cells , glass boxes that showed no traces of having ever been touched , perfect cubes . Other cells were used to store equipment . It was difficult to be certain what precisely Verde was looking at when she only had a chance to spare a glance . They were deep underground . Deep , deep underground . Nothing came in without authorization . Nothing got out without authorization . Nothing so much as made a sound without authorization . Dr . Verde was a well - respected neuroscientist . It hadn 't been her first paper on hallucinations , but it was the first to look at such a granular level , how individual neurons within the human brain would light up for no reason whatsoever . Pure randomness . Brains make mistakes all the time , and they don 't have to have a cause . " Every day , people are deceived , " Harvard had said , only moments after Verde had entered the facility . " Every day , every second , an idea pops into somebody 's head , and there is no traceable origin . Not traceable with modern technology , of course . What caught my attention in your paper , Dr . Verde , was the search for an external event that caused these hallucinations . Ah ! But they are not hallucinations . By definition , a hallucination must not have an external cause . " " The cause can 't be internal , " Verde had told her . " I 've spent over a decade searching . That was why I looked towards radio waves , or x - rays . There must be something imperceptible that influences us . " Still , after exploring this place for over an hour and a half , she felt as though she couldn 't believe what she was seeing , if she was really seeing anything at all . Struggling to keep step with Mrs . Harvard , Verde kept glancing back and forth , back and forth , rubbing her left thumb over her right wrist like she always did when she was anxious . But she wasn 't anxious . Was she ? " They don 't like us very much , I 'm afraid , " Harvard said . " You can see how they move closer . They can 't see us . They have no eyes . But they can sense . And I 'm sure that they are frustrated , unable to touch us with their foul breath . " " We don 't know . But they 've been following us for generations , giving us little sparks of ideas , fractions of a thought , guiding us towards some greater purpose . Sometimes people listen . Sometimes people don 't . For all we know , they 've been pushing us down a path since the dawn of time , convincing the first men to use tools , convincing the monkeys to get down from the trees , convincing the ancient sea creatures to try walking on land … " Mrs . Harvard 's voice faded , as though she 'd been struck by nostalgia . Yet still , her pace down the hall was unwavering and strict . " The first step was to detect them , to bring them into a tangible form . The Beings are tricky , on a plane of existence that we hadn 't even considered before . But we tracked them down . Yes , we found them . " She was smug . " Once you know how something works , you know how it breaks . I 'm sure you can tell that these cells aren 't made of ordinary glass , and if you were to step inside , you would feel the vibrations of our security system , pulsating out a frequency that keeps them at bay . " With a click of the heels , Mrs . Harvard stopped walking and spun to the left , suddenly standing perfectly still . " This is what I wanted to show you . This is the greatest sample we 've ever captured . " The shadow had a shape . It had arms , legs , a head . It was like the shadow of a person , but it had a form , three dimensions . And it was only a few inches away , on the other side of the glass . " This Being is different somehow , " Harvard said boldly . " It was a trick to catch , I can tell you that . And , oh , what I would give to get it to speak again . " She shook her head , tightening her lips . " We had it in captivity for only a few hours before we heard it . All of us . Everybody in the facility , even the folks all the way upstairs . I know that ' speak ' isn 't the precise word . It spoke to us with thoughts , and the same words entered all of our minds . " Dr . Verde 's mouth had gone dry . " What were the words ? " Out of the corner of her eye , it was watching her intently , shimmering like ripples in a pond . " It means that they are here by choice , " Harvard answered . " Don 't you see ? These shapeless creatures … They whisper into our ears , giving us ideas , guiding us along . If they can communicate with us , even from within their cells … " Her eyes moved to the floor . " I 'll wager that these Beings could escape whenever they wanted to . " |
" 10 - 4 KMG365 " Captain Hank Stanley responded in auto pilot as he handed a copy of the call slip to his Sr . Paramedic and took the second copy with him as he jogged over to his spot in the engine . As the engine followed the Squad out of the bay and down the road Hank 's thoughts turned from the rescue they were responding to and to a particular student at that school . Perhaps he could check her out of school early today and let her ride back to the station on the fire engine with him and his crew when they were finished with the run . To do so was against regulations but he was sure his men would be willing to look the other way just once . Even though he wanted to , he knew he wouldn 't . There were reasons for the regulations and he wasn 't about to break them for such personal reasons . Besides his daughter wasn 't a little girl anymore and would probably be embarrassed if she knew he had even thought of it . In fact she was probably going to be embarrassed if she found out that he was even at her school , even though he was there on official business . Damn it was hard being a father of a teenager . " Squad 51 , turn through the parking lot on your left , " Hank advised , " That 's the most direct route to the football field . " He hadn 't told them soon enough to catch the first entrance to the parking lot but they did pull in to the second entrance and then behind the engine that managed to turn in the first entrance . Hank guided his ever capable engineer , Mike Stoker , along a path that was familiar to him and soon they were coming up to a group of students and teachers gathered behind the bleachers . Hank quickly got out of the cab and started clearing a path for his engineer to drive through . " Okay let 's make a path , Everyone move back give us some room to work . " He called and motioned for Mike to pull forward so that the squad could get closer to their patient before turning his attention back to the throng of students . " Alright let 's move back , Make room , let 's clear a path so we can do our job . " Hank continued to call out as the teachers did their part and started ushering the student 's to the other end of the field making it possible for Hank to see the young girl lying on the ground curled up on her side with her hair in her face and a coat draped over her . " I need a c - collar and a backboard , " Johnny called out over his shoulder and Mike did a wonderful job of orchestrating the efforts of the team . " Roy her pupils are both reactive but the right is slightly dilated , she has a sizable lump on the right side of her head behind her ear . No visible fluid in the right ear , I 'll have to wait until we roll her onto a back board to check the other ear . Pulse 100 , respirations 14 , " he started wrapping a blood pressure cuff around the young girls arm when she started to moan and move her arm . " I 'm right here sweetie , " Hank gave her shin a good squeeze , " Don 't move now , just lie still and let the Paramedics do all the work honey . " Kristen stopped moving and there was some movement in her eyes but she didn 't quite get them opened . " Can you tell them where you 're hurt honey ? " Hank continued to talk as he rubbed her leg . Kristen responded with incoherent moans and more attempts to move as the two paramedics worked together to get a c - collar around her neck and slid a back board into place . Hank helped to roll his daughter onto the back board and offered assistance in applying and tightening the straps to hold her into place as the two paramedics placed the foam blocks on either side of Kristen 's head keeping her perfectly still . All the while Hank was watching his men closely to see the look in their eyes , watching for any hidden sign or gesture between the two of them , anything that would give him a clue just what his daughter 's condition was and how bad she was hurt . Hank quickly stepped around his paramedic and managed to take the IV bag freeing up his hands as he knelt on one knee near his daughter 's head . " Krissy , talk to me sweetie , Can you tell me where it hurts ? " He leaned over to block the sun from her eyes with his body . " Which shoulder ? " Roy questioned as he started running his hands across the bones a second time checking for any sign of a break , while John moved to her feet and pulled her shoes off and started dragging some tool across the bottom of her feet . Her toes were doing what they were supposed to do Hank could tell by the relieved look on his paramedic 's face . " She 's still a little disoriented , " Roy responded to his Captain 's look being very aware he was also dealing with a frightened parent . " She 's responding to us though and that 's a good sign . I can 't feel anything broken in her shoulder . " Hank needed to hear that . " Hey there sweetie can you open your eyes and look at me , " he started to coax with new confidence . " Come on , Daddy needs to see those big brown eyes of yours . " More truth than his professionally calm voice was reveling as he brushed her hair away from her face with his other hand . " The ambulance is here , " Mike appeared at Hank 's side with a supportive hand on his captain 's shoulder . " How 's she doing ? " " How are we doing ? " Dr . Bracket asked as they arrived in the treatment room . " She still can 't remember what happened to her , " Roy reported as the back board and patient was slid from the gurney to the exam table and Hank quickly reclaimed his daughter 's hand . " But she has remembered that she has a term paper due in English and a test in science today . " " That 's my little brainiac . " Hank responded to and was relieved by the humor in his Sr . paramedic 's voice . " Of course Doc . What ever you think is best . " Hank readily agreed , " Has she by any chance said why she was doing flips off the bleachers . " " I 'm afraid she is , especially on days she has a test . " Hank admitted , " Are drug screens a routine part of treating all teenagers these days ? " He asked to hide his relief in the test results . " Not routine for teenagers but it is when I get a report of someone doing flips off the top of bleachers . " Brackett eased into his next question . " Do you have any idea why she would do such a thing ? " " Not a clue doc , " Hank admitted openly . " I 've been aware that something has been bothering her for a while but I haven 't been able to get her to open up . " " With the boys all I have to do is pull the basketball or foot ball out and after a good work out I can get them to tell me anything . That works for my other daughter too but Krissy isn 't a tomboy like her sister . I just haven 't found the way to get her to open up , at least not yet . I 'd accept any suggestions . " " She 's probably just discovered boys , " Hank sighed with a chuckle . " I don 't think I 'm ready for that either . When can I see her ? " While he waited for the nurse to tell him he could sit with his daughter Hank decided to see just what was in his Daughter 's back pack that was so heavy . There was her science book , boy they were sure making them thicker than they were in his day . Her Math book was pretty hefty too . Two library books on Ballet and . . . A Firefighter 's training manual ? " A fire fighter 's training manual ! What on earth does a thirteen year old girl want with a fire fighter 's training manual ? Hank took another look in the back pack and found that the next large book in the stack was another firefighters training manual . Comparing at the two manuals and he could see that one was his from his day 's in the academy and the other was last years edition from the public library . Another look in the back pack found several note books and a paperback novel . " I 'm sorry they had to call you at work , " Emily Stanley sobbed , or was it sobbing ? Something was amiss in his wife 's speech . " I 've been at the dentist all morning . " Hank put his arm around his wife 's shoulders and helped her to sit in the chair next to him . " They didn 't call me at work , 51 was the station that responded on the rescue . " " It 's about time , " Hank gave his wife permission to not be home that morning as he pulled her close coaxing her to rest her head on his chest . " They 're taking Krissy off of the back board and getting her into a hospital gown right now . They 'll come get us in just a minute . She was still a little groggy when I saw her last but the Doctor said she 's going to be fine . " Hank somehow managed to get his daughter 's books back in her pack but not with out tearing a hole in the worn bottom of the pack . " I guess Krissy is due for a new back pack , " he thought to himself . " Better make this next one , one with wheels . " As promised a nurse soon collected the worried parents and led them to their injured child . When they entered the treatment room they found Kristen with the head of her bed raised and an ice pack on the side of her head . Dixie McCall was covering their daughter with another warm blanket as they entered and Emily quickly raced to her daughter 's side as Hank just stood back in relief that she wasn 't tied down to the back board any longer . Hank flung his daughter 's back pack over one shoulder as he stepped next to his wife and lay his other hand on his daughter 's arm . " How ya doin there sweetheart ? " Hank gave his daughter 's hand a squeeze . She still looked like she was ready to drift off to sleep and he knew that she wasn 't going to be allowed to do so for quite a while yet . Hank managed to give his oldest son a call , just as he arrived home from School and before Joanne had arrived with their mother , and inform him that he was fixing dinner tonight and ordered him to entertain his siblings and take care of their mother . He knew dinner was going to be frozen pizza , and that his way of entertaining his brother and sister while their mother slept off her pain meds was going to be playing video games but for tonight he was going to allow it . There wasn 't much he could do about it anyway because Kristen needed him . It proved to be a long day as the nurses woke his daughter regularly and did neurological checks and Kristen endured the complication of nausea complete with vomiting . He 'd also had to tell her at least half a dozen times that the doctor would give her a note to give to her teachers so she wouldn 't be marked down for handing her reports in late , and it was a constant battle to keep the ice pack in the right place on her head but finally late in the evening she had been allowed to sleep for a couple of hours at a time . During the first two hour block his daughter was allowed to sleep Hank sat back in the recliner next to the bed and pulled the blanket the nurse had brought for him around the uniform he was still wearing . Now that things were quieting down the scene at the school played over and over in his mind . What really happened ? How did his daughter end up in a heap at the bottom of the bleachers ? To stop his mind from going off on wild possibilities Hank decided to do a little light reading and what better reading material than the fire fighter 's training manuals that his daughter saw fit to have on hand for him . Upon closer examination Hank realized that the older of the two manuals was his from his days in the academy . It still had all his notes that he 'd written in the boarders and margins of the book but they weren 't all that legible these days , they probably hadn 't been the day after he 'd written them . Thumbing through the sections he 'd highlighted he marveled at how things had changed over the years . As he looked closer he noticed several narrow strips of fresh notebook paper marking pages in the book and decided to see just what his daughter had found worthy of marking . He flipped through the first three book marks and noticed they all dealt with different safety practices most but not all of them meant to help a firefighter get in and back out of a structure fire alive and well . On the fourth bookmark he also found a newspaper article . Unfolding the article that had been clipped and placed in the book , he read about a fire where several firefighters had been injured and his memory of the fire came back to him . It had been a five alarm fire that took them forever to get under control eight firemen had been injured early in the fire when a fuel tank of some kind exploded sending some of them down a flight of stairs and others were blown off a balcony of sorts . Other firemen were injured later on when a ceiling fell in . The part Hank remembered now was about the time they finally got the fire under control but not yet out , one of his Paramedics , Roy if he remembered right , had come to him and told him that the news stations had mistakenly reported that the Captain of station 51 had been seriously injured in the first explosion and when they were at the hospital during their last trip with the injured firemen they had found his wife and children upset and waiting for word on the man they t " Right here Krissy , " Hank called from his chair and watched as his daughter painfully rolled over in bed to be able to see him . Hank reached out and took her hand then watched as she made herself comfortable again and drifted back to sleep . As he watched her sleep he remembered several occasions recently where he had been awaken from a nap after a hard night on duty by Krissy just watching him . He had often thought she wanted to talk to him about something but hadn 't been able to get her to actually talk to him . How long had it been since he had suspected something was bothering his daughter ? Could it have been three months ? Was she afraid of him getting hurt on the job ? Was that the whole thing in the nut shell ? It might be easier to deal with if she had discovered boys . " That was different . " Hank remembered back . " For one Mat was older than you are and another thing the doctors said they were going to give him something to make sure he slept all night . I knew they were going to be waking you up all night . Besides that , there were times yesterday when I was the only one you would listen to . " " I think we should talk about some different approaches to your test anxieties but first let 's get back to what you can remember . " Hank directed the conversation . " Just what is it that you do when you 're running the bleachers ? " " I was on the top when I needed to stop and catch my breath . " Kristen started to explain , " And I was resting on the top hand rail thingy , I , I sat on it , with my feet dangling , , " Kristen 's eyes opened wide and she gasped , " I fell ! I fell off the top of the bleachers . " Kristen was breathing fast with the memory of what happened and her dad just gently pulled her close and rubbed her back . " You 're going to be o - kay now . But I hope you learned your lesson you might not be so lucky next time . " " Nope , my men are the ones who took care of you , " Hank reassured his daughter , " They took care of me too . And the department has policies in place for these kinds of emergencies . They know how important our families are to us . " Hank took a moment to count to at least five and take in a deep breath before he spoke again . " How bad is it ? " He asked then pulled a chair over and sat down to face his wife . " She 's having trouble sleeping nights when you 're at the station ; I find her pacing around the house , watching an all night news show on TV , or sitting in the front window watching for you or someone coming to tell us about you . A week ago the phone rang sometime after midnight and it really upset her . " Emily revealed something Hank had no knowledge of . " It was just some drunk who got the wrong number but Kris was sure they were calling to tell us you 'd been hurt . I never did get her back to sleep . " There was silence for a while as Hank let the information sift in . " I 've been telling her about all the things you do to keep yourselves safe and how you look out for each other at the station and she 's been reading about your safety measures . I don 't know how much it 's helping though , for every safety measure she reads about she finds out something else that might happen to you . " With his wife now on site and the information he was most interested in delivered and talk of taking a bath and changing into other pajama 's Hank gave his daughter a kiss on the forehead and left to get some sleep promising to return later in the afternoon . As Hank made his way to the out patient exit his mind was figuring what to do . His truck was still at the station but he could easily take his wife 's car home and deal with his truck later once he reached the out patient department though he saw the paramedics of 51 's C shift and had another idea . " She 's much better thank you . " Hank responded , " I was wondering if I could catch a ride back to the station with you . My truck is still there . " " Thanks guys . " The three of them piled into the squad and before they managed to get out of the parking lot and onto the road Captain Stanley was dozing in the middle seat . When the Squad backed in to the bay Captain Ron Tollins of the C shift was quick to notice an extra man in the cab and left his office to investigate . Seeing who it was he reached over his driving paramedic and gave Hank 's shoulder a little shake . " Yep , every bit of it , " Ron replied then let his paramedic out of the squad and the middle of his conversation . " What do you say you join me in the office while you finish waking up and I finish my paperwork . " The two captains were visiting in the office when the B shift captain , Mitch Rowley , came in to get a report for his shift . " Hey Hank , How 's the daughter ? " Came a greeting from the doorway and Hank looked up to see Chief McConnike standing in the door way . Everyone in the room stood up at least at semi attention , " She 's good Chief , Real good . " " No sir , but three months ago when one ten 's captain went down a news crew mistakenly put it on the air that it was me . My family waited for hours at the hospital for word before my medics took a couple of injured men in later on and saw them there . They were able to set them straight but it was still several hours before I was able to talk to them myself and completely put them at ease . " Hank explained . " If that ever happens again you see me and I 'll authorize a land line . " Chief declared , " And that goes for all of ya . Not that you 'll ever know what the news is putting on the air . " " It just so happens that my son was worried about me working on a car accident when the car blew up . I brought him to work with me on a day we had a training exercise dealing with taking cars apart . It did wonders for him and when he was in an accident a couple of years later he knew to not move anyone , hold pressure on a bleeder and have someone disconnect the car battery . " Hank took a shower at the station and changed into his street clothes and that revitalizing effort along with the three cups of coffee Ron poured for him and it was determined that he was awake enough to drive himself home . Where he slept until his other children arrived home from school . Gathering his offspring as if they were his crew he sat them around the kitchen table with glasses , Milk and a package of store bought cookies . " Your sister is going to be fine , " he said , " She should come home tomorrow but she 'll probably have a head ache for a few days and need to rest . Since I 'll be going back to work the next day I 'll be counting on you four to help out around here . " As he talked , he watched the reactions , their sighs , their blank stares and the obedient head nods . These weren 't his men at the station they were still children . In spite of his close watch he couldn 't tell for sure if Krissy was the only one loosing sleep over his chosen profession . A profession he had chosen before his children were brought in to the world a profession he and his wife had talked about and she had accepted but his children had never had any kind of a say . " It was an accident , " Hank explained . " She was sitting on a rail where her feet were off the ground and she lost her balance . She fell about fifteen feet and she is very lucky , she could have very easily been hurt much worse than she was . " After watching a movie on the TV in Krissy 's hospital room the Stanley group was gathered together and Emily took everyone except Kristen and her husband home . This night in the hospital was different instead of a recliner the hospital staff provided a cot for Hank to sleep on and he was able to sleep . Bracket made his rounds earlier than usual the next morning and when he was done Hank just called his wife and told her not to come to the hospital because he was on his way home with their daughter . " No , sweetheart , I 'm not mad . Why on earth would I be mad at you for caring about the health and well being of your old dad ? " Hank reached out and placed his hand on the shoulder of the little girl who still hadn 't turned back to face him . He then gently reached up and took hold of her chin and turned her face toward him . " As a Captain part of my job , the biggest part of my job is to do everything in my power to get everyone of my men and myself home to the ones they love and the ones that love them at the end of every shift . " The rest of the day Father and Daughter spent in the family room relaxed in the recliners talking about all the precautions and preventative measures a captain performs that have nothing to do with a fire or accident but before long Hank realized that his daughter really had done her research by the questions that she asked . She really did have a pretty good idea of just about everything that could go wrong and lead to an injury or worse . When the rest of the Stanley children returned from school Hank was very aware that his daughter was going to need more from him to be able to sleep while he was on duty . In the wee hours of the morning Hank met his wife in the hall way out side their daughter 's bedroom . " That 's the second time you 've checked on her tonight , " Emily spoke to her husband in a whisper to keep from waking the children . " Is there something you 're not telling me ? Just what did the doctor say before he let you bring her home ? " Hank had to think about that question for a moment but he knew his wife was going to be more comfortable with his answer if he did . Taking the time to remove his robe first Hank climbed back in bed and placed his hands behind his head as he rest against the head board . " Yeah , " he finally answered . " I worked through the nightmares of how bad things could have been with Krissy 's accident , that first night in the hospital . " " I 'm more worried about what it 's going to take so that she 'll be alright when I go back to work . " Emily climbed in bed next to her husband and snuggled into his side . She knew he needed a good night 's sleep to be able to be his best on the job but she also knew sleeping well wasn 't always something you could just will yourself to do . " It didn 't do any good to talk over the response plans for if there 's a fire at the mall ? I thought she seemed very interested . " She stayed close to her husband but looked up to see his face . " Would this really make a difference ? " " I don 't think it would make a major difference , I mean if it did , it would be part of the required training at the academy , I haven 't had a chance to research anymore than just read that article though . " Hank dropped one of his arms onto his wife 's back and began to rub . " She 's really just asking me to do everything I can to make sure I come home at the end of the shift . It 's really no different than me asking you to get a mammogram or making sure the kids buckle their seatbelts while we 're in the car . " " It certainly won 't do any harm so I should just do it with out a second thought just for her . I just don 't know if it will be enough for her . I can 't really see myself in a tutu either . " " If the guys at the station found out I 'd never hear the end of it . " " If Chet Kelly found out I 'd be the laughing stock of the entire department . " " I don 't see any reason that you need to tell them , " Emily reasoned , " After all they don 't tell you everything they do off duty . " " Do you think you can sleep ? " Emily rubbed her husband 's chest , " I know that will make a difference and the rest we can decide on later . " With that she managed to pull him down in bed and he did get comfortable and in his wife 's arms he did find sleep . " Men , " he said lowering the clip board , " last shift I gained a new appreciation for your skill and proficiency . I don 't know if you can possible realize how comforting it was to me knowing how good you are while you were taking care of my daughter . " " Your trust in us at a time like that was the greatest compliment you could give us Cap " Mike took half a step forward and spoke for the group . " I don 't think I could have trusted anyone more right then and I 'm happy to announce that she is home from the hospital and despite being a little stiff and sore she 's doing fine . The counter in the common room is covered with baked goods from my wife and there 's a thank you note from Krissy on the bulletin board . " Now the first order of business is to get the hose traded out on the engine . Last shift reports that they had some nut case driving over the charged hose so we need to make sure we inspect them for damage . John and Roy I understand the squad was run extra heavy last shift and is low on supplies , your backboards and stokes are waiting for you at Rampart so I suggest you quickly make a list of supplies and make a run . We also have the hydrants on Maple Drive to bleed now that the water line has been replaced . The rest of the assignments will be posted when you get back . " It was late in the afternoon before they were even able to begin the tasks of straightening up the station . The sun was just setting outside when the call came in for a four car pile up on the freeway . As they approached Hank was surprised to see eight police cars and one of the victims face down on the ground in hand cuffs but that explained the presence of camera crews from the three leading news stations . All in all the accident was fairly minor . All four cars had managed to stay on their wheels and none of them would require more than a simple crow bar to get the doors open . With the exception of the car the police had been chasing when it collided with the other three cars everyone was wearing a seatbelt and injuries were minor . Chet and Marco were working on getting all the doors open while John and Roy were doing triage and assessing the needs of the patients while Mike was washing down the minor gas leak and misting the smoking engine of one of the cars , leaving Hank the job of disconnecting all of the car batteries and hopefully shutting off the two car horns that were blaring nonstop . He had just raised the hood and was pulling on the cables of the second car when sparks flashed and a pop proceeded something striking his forehead just below his helmet . Suddenly blinded by what he wasn 't sure he instinctively covered his eyes with his hands and backed away from the car . Before he 'd taken more than a few steps he felt hands on his shoulder and one around his waist directing him as the second station crew could be heard approaching . He was expertly aided to lie down on a blanket spread on the ground and his helmet was quickly removed before pressure was applied to his forehead and his eyes were quickly washed out . In moments he was able to see the comforting face of John Gage and hear him telling him that it didn 't look bad but he was going to need a couple of stitches . A bandage was applied to keep the blood out of his eyes and Hank got up and went back to helping with the accident until the last am " Did you loose consciousness at all ? " Dr . Bracket asked as he prepared his supplies to sew the fireman 's head up . Hank pulled into his garage and turned off the ignition . He then slumped over and rested his aching head on his arms draped over the steering wheel . After he had been able to calm his daughter down enough to get her to let go of him the night before they had headed back to the station but didn 't make it before they were called out on a four alarm warehouse fire that had all the signs of being arson . It had been nearly four a . m . before they were released to head back to the station and even longer for everyone to unwind and shower before they could get in to bed and try to sleep . While waiting his turn for the shower Hank had talked with Roy for a while , the only other man at the station who had children at home , and thanked him for his efforts to calm his wife and daughter . " Yeah , I think you 're right . " Hank waved his paramedic off to bed . " Well it 's my problem ; you need some sleep the squad tends to get more calls than the engine . " " As a matter of fact there is . " Hank looked at his daughter as he rested his head on the frame of his truck . " I really need to get some sleep , how would you like to do some research for me while I do ? " " Here 's a list of dance studio 's that teach a program that 's recognized by the Department but it 's an old list , and they might not all still be in business and here is my schedule for the next month . Can you find out which of these are still open for business and which one will work with my schedule and then I 'm going to need someone to practice with between lessons . You wouldn 't by any chance know someone who would be willing to take the lessons with me ? " " She 's told me how I can bring her some peace . How can I not do it ; she just asking me to do everything I can to come home after every shift . I 'll find a way to live with all the other stuff . " " Sounds like that 's the place we should go , " Hank commented and managed to keep all of his trepidations from his voice . " Em , since I have to go back on duty in the morning would you take care of registering the two of us and getting what ever , um , yeah , supplies they are going to require . You know my sizes . " Hank placed his hand under his daughter 's chin and lifted her drooping eyes to meet his . " I promise you that I will not only take the lessons I will do my best to learn everything I can that might make me safer at work . " " We are going to keep this quiet though , right , especially around the guys ? " The dance studio was in a residential area in a large room at the end of a wide stairway that lead above the garage and Hank was thrilled to see that the room wasn 't surrounded by mirrors . He was also thrilled to see that the students in session when he arrived were in their mid forties and older , one of them using a cane . The dance instructor , Jannie Martin , was a woman of gray hair herself and an understanding smile . She instantly saw right through Hank 's professional mask and managed to put him at ease . The dance lessons were pretty well run as private lessons although there were often anywhere from three to four other groups in the studio at the same time as the Stanley 's , some of them were just there to follow a routine that had been video taped others would get a quick set of instructions and then Jannie would move along to the next group while keeping watch on them out of the corner of her eye . Hank and his daughter were new to the discipline and received a lot of undivided attention during their first lessons . By the end of their second lesson Hank and his daughter had learned how to stretch properly and several strengthening exercises . They also learned that the instructor had originated in Chicago and her father who had passed away a few years ago of old age had served on the department there from before he got married until he retired . Something that helped put Kristen at ease . The instructor herself was a retired rehab nurse who was just keeping busy with one of her passions in her retirement . " I 'm just getting to where my ankles don 't hurt all the time , I think at least another couple of months and then we 'll talk about what more can be accomplished and make a decision then . " Hank was finally rested enough to rise up on his elbows . " Dad ? " " Positive . I would definitely know if they knew . " When Hank and Kristen showed up to their next lesson they met their instructor helping an elderly lady down the stairs . " You two go on up and start your warm ups I 'm just going to walk Mrs . Shumway here across the street to her daughter 's house and I 'll be right back . " Hank hesitated for just a minute then took a deep breath and pulled his sweats off from over his tights and started the practiced warm up routine they were now familiar with . Today they were hoping to get Kristen standing on her toes for the first time and Hank had done enough research of his own to know that a good warm up was important . Fortunately the other couple didn 't pay any attention to them and he was able to get into his routine and almost forgot they were there . Until he heard the grunt , followed by a frightening thud and turned to see both of the other dancers on the floor not moving . The girl had a gash on her forehead and was unconscious and the guy was holding his arm which was bent slightly between the wrist and elbow and swelling fast . " Krissy call the fire department tell them we need a squad and an ambulance , " Hank ordered and immediately knelt down to hold the girls head and neck steady as he applied pressure to stop the bleeding from her head wound . " Just lie still and leave your arm against the floor . " Hank instructed the young man before asking . " I didn 't really see , can you tell me what happened ? " " Good work honey , " Hank praised not able to even move with out jeopardizing the spinal immobilization he was holding . It was well under the five minute mark when Hank heard the familiar sound of sirens coming up the road and turned to his daughter . " Go down and show them where to come and tell them that they 're going to need a back board . " After checking the girl 's pupils one of the paramedics placed a c - collar around the girl 's neck and Hank helped them roll her as they placed a back board under her and then rolled her back at which point Hank was then free to sit back on his heals and stay out of the way . But his thoughts were on his daughter and how he had watched his paramedic team do pretty much the same thing to her just a month and a half ago . No longer needed with the victims Hank rocked to his feet and walked over to drape his arm around his daughter as they watched the paramedics taking care of their patients . After the fire crew had left the studio , Jannie had called the parents of the two dancers before basically falling apart . After calming her down she canceled the rest of her lessons for that day but not before rescheduling Hank and Kristen for two lessons on his next break from duty and giving them a months worth of lessons free of charge . Something that Hank didn 't really feel comfortable with but he was already anxious about what his life at work was going to be like now that the word was going to get out . Of all firefighters to show up at that studio why did Chet Kelly have to be one of them ? " It looks like your first order of business today is going to be reining your men in . " Ron pulled his attention back to his work , " But if anyone can do it I know you can , , , , , Twinkle toes . " With a laugh and a slap on Hank 's back Ron then left to change out of his uniform and go home . " Attention ! " Hank bellowed , and his men tightened up but none of them were able to wipe the smirks from their faces . " Yes , I am taking dance lessons , ( he wasn 't about to admit to ballet lessons in front of his men , ) Not that it 's any of your business but it 's something I am doing with my daughter that means a lot to her . Any one who has a problem with that can see me in my office and I 'll process their transfer . " " Hey Hank , " one of the other captains called out across the field of strewn and charged hose . " There 's a phone booth over there incase you need to change in to your tights . " Hank just cringed and took a deep breath as every fireman around him smirked or flat out laughed at his expense . Even Mike let out a stifled snicker . When they made it back to the station Hank again sequestered himself in the office but did leave the door open this time . He could smell lunch and heard the call that it was going on the table and was trying to decide if he dared join his men for lunch when a white hanky was seen waving in front of his office door . After three or four waves , Roy Desoto stepped from behind the door frame into the door way still waving his white hanky . When lunch dishes were washed Hank separated his crew again by sending the squad in one directions and taking the engine in another direction to perform safety inspections . Six inspections and two minor runs later they were back at the station and Chet Kelly was the one assigned to prepare dinner . Hank managed to keep his distance from his crew until he heard the call that dinner was going on the table . Again there was no Joke telling but they had advanced to being able to talk shop and share information about the inspections that they had performed , when Chief McConkie made a surprise visit . " So how is the department 's Barishnackoff ? " Hank Stanley chose to refrain from offering any kind of an answer . " Or are we talking about the Department 's John Travolta ? " Chief McConkie tried again . Hank let out a sigh and leaned back in his chair but again refrained to answer . Hank silently walked over to the cupboard and pulled a cup from the shelf before filling it and taking it back to the table and setting it in front of his Commander . " If you 'll excuse me I have some paperwork to finish . " Hank excused himself and then left the room . Before he was seated at his desk Chief McConkie was standing in the door way to his office . " You need to lighten up there a little Hank . We 're just having a little fun . " " Point made , " McConkie backed down . There was a few moments of talking over department policy before the Chief excused himself and Hank was sure that he had managed to kill a large volume of the razzing the Chief was intending to dish out on his visit . Later that night Hank considered skipping his nightly work out but thought of his daughter and his promise to her and defiantly sequestered himself in his office . Before he had his shoes changed however he was aware of several pairs of eyes trying to peak in through the window of the office door . Thinking for a moment he picked up his jacket and opened the door just enough to catch the collar of his jacket between the door and the frame covering most of the window only to see three pair of eyes fighting to get a look through the small space in the window that wasn 't covered by his jacket . One piece of paper with a little tape took care of that . Turning his music up a notch he went through his routine and when he was done he just knew there were still men with their ears glued to the door . Since Johnny had been one of them he had seen trying to look in , he was sure a stethoscope was also in use . Pulling the office door open suddenly Hank was rewarded with Chet , Marco and John falling through and laying on the floor . And yes Johnny did have a stethoscope in his ears . Chet had been using a glass held to the door . " I sure hope who ever did this made sure this cape is fire resistant ! " Hank bellowed as he stopped his still half asleep men before they entered the apparatus bay . It was easy to tell by the look on the faces before him who was responsible and that the cape was likely very flammable . " I don 't appreciate you guys putting my life at risk . " Hank continued the dressing down , " Now if no one has noticed we have a fire to respond to and I for one would appreciate it if you acted like professionals instead of a bunch of juvenile delinquent screw ups ! Now let 's get going . " With that a copy of the address was forcefully slammed in to the hand of his Sr . Paramedic and everyone was swooshed out of the dorm and into the bay . When they arrived they were the second engine and squad on the scene and firemen and warehouse workers were helping to move the eight injured workers from the fire . Squad 51 was needed to assist with the care and treatment while engine 51 was directed to the far end of the structure that had multiple sections on fire . This was already looking like another arson fire and the last one they had fought in this area was intermingled with booby traps and fuel cans left to explode in places that would weaken support beams . Hank was warning his men to watch out for similar surprises as they pulled the hose from the truck bed . When the third engine arrived they were sent to the middle of the building and all of the hoses had just been fully charged when the first of the explosions occurred . Hank had seen a cluster of fifty gallon drums around a support to a main stair well and cat walk and knew they needed to be kept cool to keep them from exploding and bringing down the whole building on top of everyone in there . He watched as the next crew came along the cat walk three men wrestling with a charged hose working on the flames on the upper level . Hank ordered both Lopez and Kelly to pull a two and a half inch hose each and he stood between them helping each one hold their balance and keep moving forward . Hank was sure they were going to be able to get the flames knocked down before the drums blew when an explosion on the upper level sent the three men there over the railing to the floor along with structural debris raining down on Hank and his men . Hank felt a twinge in his shoulder when he was hit by a support beam but his air tank took the brunt of it so he was able to shake it off and looked to his two linemen . " Are you Okay ? " He screamed through his mask and both men nod affirmatively , " Cover me I 'm going in for them . " Hank reached the first two men who were nearly on top of each other . One was unconscious the other stunned but trying to get to his own feet . That 's when he saw what might have been some kindWhen Johnny drove the squad up next to the engine he saw Mike working on the three firemen and raced to their aid as he knelt down next to the one who looked to be the worse Mike leaned over and whispered just loud enough to be heard over the pumps , " Cap got hurt too . " Johnny looked at his leader and found him at the edge of the blanket spread on the ground one knee on the ground the other up with his arm resting on it . As he watched he caught the winces and grimaces between his heavy breathing and pale sweaty face but the man at his feet was the highest priority . " Mike , help him get his tank off . I 'll get to him as soon as I can . " " Do I need to remind you who the captain is here ? " Hank turned a stern eye to his engineer . Johnny noticed the exchange but had his hands full . " It 's just the back of my shoulder , I 'll get it looked at later , " Hank pulled John 's hand away from his harness and gave him an authoritative look . " You go ahead and ride in with your patients . We 'll see to it that the squad is brought in for ya . " Hank watched as his paramedic reluctantly moved toward the ambulance , he had already sent the most serious of the patients in with the other paramedic and Hank knew he was having trouble following his current command but he did follow and that was a step in the right direction since judging by the guilty looks when he dressed them down before they left for the fire , John had been one of the ones responsible for the cape incident but he hadn 't acted alone . In truth Hank was hurting a lot and although he was sure it was nothing life threatening he also knew he needed to be relieved from duty but before that happened he still had to get his men in line . What he was about to do was harsh but he had to get his command back and the respect that came with it . The ambulance John was in was just reaching the parameter of the fire scene and would soon pull on to the road and be gone . Hank carefully pulled his handy talkie from his coat and was about to thumb the button when he saw the Battalion Chief and someone with him walking in his direction . " What ? Why didn 't you go the hospital with that last ambulance then ? " the Chief questioned . " Because these boys require adult supervision right now , " Hank watched his engineer 's reaction out of the corner of his eye . He looked appropriately ashamed . " With the Captain of eighty one and most of his men down in the explosion I didn 't dare leave . I was just about to radio you and suggest you call in a couple more engines when I saw you coming this way . " " LA this is Battalion 8 , dispatch two more engines and a squad to our location . " Chief McConnike called in to his handy talkie as Hank bit down against the pain in his back . " The boys at 51 are a bit restless tonight if you 'll have the engineer of eighty one drive his engine to station 51 he can sleep in one of the extra bunks and the boys of 51 will have both engines washed and waxed by the beginning of the next shift . " Hank grimaced again in pain as Kelly and Lopez were given a break from the hose and joined Stoker at the engine . " I would recommend someone like yourself stop by and inspect their work however , just to make sure they do it right . " Chief McConnike eyed the three members of the crew that were still at the scene and they looked as if they knew they deserved what was being dished out to them . Content to let Hank call the shots with out further explanation , " All right then I 'll take care of the inspection . Let 's get you worked on . " Two Paramedics arrived and quickly began working on Hank who this time allowed it and in short order his scratched up air tank and turn out had been removed and an IV started with something given for the pain and he was transported to Rampart on his stomach . " I think I missed a rather severe head injury . " Morton 's face still bore a stunned look from his dismissal . " He 's asking about doing Ballet to rehab his injured shoulder . " " You 're joking right . " Morton scoffed . " No I 'm not , " Bracket then let out a sigh , " I 'll talk with him . " " The nurse will give you something that should ease the pain , just try and relax as much as possible . Take some deep breaths . " Dr . Bracket coached as he held his hand on the fireman 's back feeling the extent of the spasms . " Dr . Morton told me about your request to use Ballet as part of your rehab . " Dr . Bracket spoke in a soothing tone , " I 'm going to have to check with a colleague of mine before I can advise you on that and I would like to wait until a slightly more reasonable time of morning to do so . Is that all right ? " " Sure doc , at least you 're taking me seriously . " Hank sighed and relaxed a little more as the pain continued to ease . " What part of , it 's nothing you should concern yourself with , did I fail to explain properly ? " Hank responded and Dr . Bracket got the message that the conversation was over . Chapter 10 " I guess that wouldn 't be very effective would it . " Kell acknowledged still more relieved . " Not at all , " Morton chuckled slightly , " Now what about this Ballet as physical therapy , I 've never heard of such a thing . " " If the patient 's willing it 's one of the fastest ways I 've found to return full range of motion . " The two doctors were startled by the reply from behind them . " Trouble is , about the only ones I can get to even try it are young women and they 're not the ones who need it the most . " " Well hello Dr . Crainer , what brings you in at this hour ? " Kell turned to the man who had responded to Dr . Morton 's question . " I got a call about a sixty year old man with a fractured pelvis . " Dr . Crainer responded . " Oh yes , I believe he 's in eight , right this way . " Dr . Bracket led his colleague to his patient and while they walked he asked the questions he needed answers to , in order to advise Hank Stanley on his recovery . Doctor Bracket pulled the ice packs away from his patients back and took a good long look at the discoloration that was beginning to show . " You 're going to be sore for a few days I 'm afraid but the more you can keep ice on that bruise for the next 24 hours the sooner you should be able to return to work . We can have one of the nurses call your wife to come pick you up and take you home . " " The nurse can help you with that . " " When can I find out about physical therapy ? " Hank had a lesson after his daughter got out of school that day and he felt it was going to be very important to attend it in order to help his daughter deal with his latest injury . " I have been able to talk with a doctor who recommends Ballet for such things and he says that you will need to be careful of who you have work with you . It takes more than just a Ballet instructor the person will need to also be trained in Physical therapy techniques . He gave me a list of instructors he knows of . " Yes , as a matter of fact she 's on the top of the list and very highly recommended . " Dr , Bracket paused a moment to choose his next words carefully . " I have a question I would like to ask if I may , from a professional point of view ? " Later Hank was helped to gingerly lower his aching body into his wife 's car . His arm was in a sling and then several elastic bandages were wrapped around his chest and shoulder holding ice packs in place . With his daughter in the back seat he reached back to squeeze her hand and then told his wife that he had to be taken back to the station to ' finish up some business ' . He had to see if his little ' time out ' had done the trick . He hoped that it had , because he really didn 't want his men brooding about their punishment or worrying about his injuries once they were off shift . He hoped they could all go in to their days off as friends as long as they remembered he was their captain when they came back to work . After a brief conversation with the Chief , Hank was once again loaded into his wife 's car and Kristen was dropped off at school on their way home . Once parked in the garage Emily looked at her husband . " They know about the Ballet classes don 't they ? " " It was nothing I couldn 't handle , " Hank answered in confident relief . For the next few days Hank went to the dance studio everyday . He was truly amazed as how the techniques he was learning really helped his back and shoulder feel better and to his surprise and everyone else also , he was actually cleared to return to work for his next shift . He was still a little sore and the back of his shoulder was brightly colored extending beyond his shirt collar slightly but he felt confident he could do his Job and so did his men . It was learned and he was responsible for teaching his men that the believed bomb they had pulled away from was a fake . It was believed that it was put together to achieve the result of getting the firefighters to pull back and let the fire burn . But Hank also pointed out that there were several other smaller bombs that did go off and that in the future this arsonist could decide to actually arm the big ones too . So for now when ever they saw anything like that they were to do just what they did , back off and let the bomb experts handle it . Records were searched and it was determined that this guy or group of arsonists had torched at least five warehouses in the last year and they were sure to see them again . Two more months passed and Hank and his daughter were gaining enough ballet skills that they were starting to have some fun . Not that Hank had any desire to perform in front of anyone but he did enjoy being able to make graceful turns with out getting dizzy and high jumps that amazed even him but they also got the attention of the guys at the station when ever he played basketball . Most of all he enjoyed steadying his daughter as she turned and lifting her high above his head as she posed gracefully and the hugs they shared when they got it right . There were fancy French names for these moves that echoed in his mind when ever he practiced them because he vividly remembered his instructor calling them out like a drill sergeant every time he practiced . But he would never say them out loud because that was too much like openly admitting that he was taking Ballet lessons and he was still very much in the closet . He had to admit that he had a greater sense of balance and could now move and bend in ways he hadn 't been able to before , something he noticed most when they worked in and around wrecked cars , but was he safer at work because of his lessons . He couldn 't really claim that he was . Because he thought his daughter might actually be getting to the point where she could sleep in her bed on the nights that he was on duty , Hank agreed to two more months of lessons but still his station work outs were done in the privacy of his office and the men at the station allowed them to remain private but his work outs were majorly limited by the size of his office . The razzing from men not of his station had died down by now and all was back to normal . Even the fire at the mall was normal . Dispatch called out four battalions worth of fire engines and squads . Station 51 was the first one on sight to find the fire was nothing more than a fireworks display near the opening of one of the stores that had been started on fire by some delinquent boys playing with lighters . By the time the Engine arrived the store had been evacuated through the emergency exit , the automatic sprinkler system had suppressed the fire and there were two injuries . The store manager had been the victim of one of the fireworks blowing up in his face while he was trying to use a fire extinguisher and a woman had fallen off her heels and possibly broken her ankle . It was totally routine when Hank radioed in to cancel all other engines and squads . It was absolutely routine when he ordered Kelly and Lopez to start raking through the burned items in the store to make sure there were no smoldering embers left to reignite the fire later . It was completely routine for Hank to check in with his paramedics to find they had everything under control and then - With the added comments from his paramedic Hank took another look focusing on the young lady the police officer was talking to . The blanket and the wet hair could have belonged to any one but the voice he could now hear belonged to his daughter . Hank stepped up behind his daughter and placed his hands on his hips . When Hank pulled into the driveway the next morning he could see his daughter sitting in the front window watching for him . As he waited for the garage door to open he watched as she left the window and was not in the least surprised to see her standing in the garage waiting for him to drive in . As soon as the truck was stopped Kristen climbed in to the passenger seat and Hank knew she wanted to talk . " I 'm no hero ! " Kristen proclaimed emphatically , " I really didn 't do anything . " " All I did was find the back door and tell everyone which way to go to get out . I didn 't do anything heroic . " " Not really , " Kristen was flustered and slightly defensive but Hank just kept the biggest grin he could on his face and she continued to tell her side of the story . " I was standing in the doorway showing everyone where to get out when the sprinklers went off and then one of the fireworks that was on fire went poof in the guys face and he was blinded . I just walked in and guided him through the door it 's not like I carried him or anything and the sprinklers were already putting the fire out , I just showed him the way to the door . " " You know I wouldn 't have known what to do if you hadn 't have shown me your attack plans in case there ever was a fire at the Mall . " Kristen spoke not pulling away from her father 's embrace . " Remember when I got out of the hospital after I fell ? " Kristen looked up at her father , her eyes were moist but she had a smile on her face every bit as big as her father 's . " I know you don 't think what you did last night was a big deal but trust me it was a very big deal . " Hank spoke after a few quiet moments of rubbing his daughter 's back . " If more people knew to do what you did my job would be a whole lot easier . " His wife had been reporting that their daughter was sleeping better , even on the nights he was on duty . Now there he was in his bunk at the station . His feet were rotating at the end of his ankles as he drew circles with is big toes under the covers . Hank didn 't feel particularly stressed but he wasn 't able to sleep just yet . Was it time to stop the ballet lessons ? He was surprised that he actually felt hesitant about doing so . " Station 51 , 10 - 4 KMG365 " and they were off . A block away from the fire they could see the flames and Hank saw some other signs also . " Alright guys , " he spoke into the radio mic , " This looks like it could be another one from our booby trap arsonist , make sure you keep on your toes and your eyes open . Let 's have another one with out injuries . " When they arrived on the second floor of the building they found that one of the linemen 's feet had gone through the floor and was now stuck and the fire was burning hot below him . Johnny and Roy quickly went to work in an effort to extricate the fireman with the aid of his partner , while Kelly and Lopez took control of the hose they were manning and stepped forward about six feet to keep the flames at bay as the others worked . Hank was helping to pull the hose along and evaluating the situation when he noticed a major crack in a support beam over head . " I guess the ballet paid off after all , " Hank thought to himself as he watched Johnny step closer to his crewmates on hose to pick up a crow bar that had been set aside . That 's when a large section of floor gave in between Hank and his men leaving John , Chet and Marco stranded from the closest stairwell . Hank quickly and instinctively looked for all options and that 's when he saw the barrel and the detonator with the digital timer counting down the last seconds . Knowing his voice wouldn 't carry through his mask Hank leapt across the opening in the floor spreading his arms out to knock as many of his men to the floor as possible . He did catch John and Marco , Marco managed to pull Chet down with him . They were just crashing to the floor when the bomb blew . It was a hand feeling its way around the collar of his turn out in search of a carotid pulse that pulled Hank back to the here and now . " Cap ! John ! Marco , are you alright ? " told Hank that Chet was alive and well , he could feel Marco trying to move under one arm and the hand checking for a pulse was John under his other arm , they were all alive . Having the wind knocked out of him Hank couldn 't speak but he managed to pat John on the shoulder with one hand while he held a thumb high with his other hand in the direction he had heard Kelly 's voice . When he felt someone take his hand he knew his gesture had been seen . " John ! Cap ! Are you all right ? " Roy was heard from a distance . " HT 51 to Battalion 8 we have four men down . We need ladders and help on the second floor . " Hank heard Roy 's voice coming from the handy talkie poking him in the side and he knew help was coming . " Yeah , but there 's three more men under there , " Hank heard Chet answer and responded by pounding his elbow into the lumber that was holding him down to announce his location . The load quickly shifted and then lifted and when he turned his head he could see Chet and three other firemen pushing the section of roof over onto the floor freeing them . Before he had a chance to feel relief hands were quickly checking him for injury and then pulling him and his two men to their feet . His arm was pulled around a strange shoulder and he was led to a ladder which he climbed on to in automatic pilot and was then guided down to the ground level before other hands took hold of him and pulled him toward fresh air and the blankets spread out near the squad . Roy met up with them once they had their feet on the ground and the secure hand that guided Hank once he was out of the building was good old reliable Mike . It was Mike who pulled his face mask off and asked if he was hurt any where . Hank shook his head and allowed Mike to help him remove his SCBA gear before sitting on the running board of the squad . Roy was at his side as soon as he sat down , shining his little pen light in his eyes . " Did you hit your head Cap ? " " N , no , I don 't think so . " Hank answered , " Blast wave rung my bell a little but other than that I think my air tank took the brunt of the debris . How are the others ? " The biggest battle in the ambulance was who was going to ride on the gurney , Roy thought Gage should because he had the most injuries , John thought Cap should because he held the highest rank , it was decided that Marco would because he was most comfortable lying down . Chet was approved to drive the Squad in behind them and was there to help unload each of his station mates from the back of the ambulance even Roy was given a helping hand . The five firemen huddled at the end of the hall waiting to be told where to go as Dr . Bracket and Dixie McCall started checking them out . " So all five of you were in the blast ? " Bracket asked as he checked Marco 's pupils . " NO , just them , I was clear , " Roy Responded . Alone in his office at the station Hank sat in his desk for the longest time and just looked at the drawer on the bottom right . That was his drawer , the one the other captains left alone just like he left their drawer 's alone . He had come back to the station in the squad with Roy and Chet and Chet was changing and then he would go back to the hospital to get Marco and take him home . Roy would get Johnny and take him home . Hank would hang around until Mike returned the engine to the station before he left . He had been checked over from head to toe and all they found was a bruise on his chest that came from the crow bar that Johnny had been holding when he tackled him to the floor . Hearing the back door open and close Hank was sure he was alone in the station and dared to open the drawer and pull his ballet slippers from with in . wrapping both hands around them and gripping them tight Hank closed his eyes and thanked what ever higher power was listening . It was the love of and for his daughter that got him into the classes but it was what he learned there that made it possible for him to go home to not only his daughter but his wife and his other children . And three other men would be going home tonight also , not to mention the first firefighter they rescued . It would have taken a lot longer to get him out had Hank not thought to have him point his toes . " I hung around for a minute because I wanted to talk to you if I could . " Roy looked hesitant and Hank felt guilty . He had always told his men that his door was open to them and he wanted them to come to him willingly when ever they needed to talk about anything , especially if it were job related . " My wife 's been talking ? " Hank questioned realizing that his secret wasn 't as big of a secret as he thought it was . Both men were slightly red faced as they sat across from each other for a silent moment . " Yea , a , it was shortly after we spent the night washing and waxing the engines and Joanne wanted to know why . When I wouldn 't tell her she started asking some of the wives and when they started telling what they had heard , Well Emily told them all the real story so that they wouldn 't believe all the wild crazy ones that were being told . " Roy explained hoping his boss wouldn 't be mad at his wife . " Chet 's picking up Marco and Johnny now . They 're listed as day by day at this point but they shouldn 't be out too long . " Roy reported . " Maybe a shift , two at the most . " Hank hurried through the doors of the hospital . Traffic had been a nightmare and he had had to get there with out the aid of a light and siren . Walking as fast as he could he slipped into the elevator just as the doors were closing and then exited before the doors completely opened again on his desired floor . " Hi Grandpa , " Kristen called to her father when she saw him . She had the biggest smile ever on her face and as Hank tentatively stepped up to the bed she thrust a small bundle into his arms . Little Emily Rose , just one hour old . " Now you 'll have some one else to dance with Daddy , " Kristen said her own tears forming . " Maybe we could try Peter Pan again and she can be our little tinker bell . You 've got so many people working out with you now that the guys won 't have to play several parts each . " " Do you think I could still handle the part of Captain Hook ? " Hank asked with a watery smile . It had been so fun when they did the ballet before , Jennifer Desoto had played the part of tinker bell then and Kristen had played the part of Wendy . Marco , Roy and Johnny had played the part of the lost boys and the pirates while Mike managed the part of the dog as well as the alligator and Chet Kelly made a hilarious Peter Pan , tights , mustache and all . Hank snickered and had a far away look in his eyes . " Never in a million years . " He answered , " But I 'm sure glad she did because I wouldn 't trade the memories I have and the things I 've been able to do with my daughter for anything in the world . " Send Stories | Fun Page | Guest Writer 's The Characters of Emergency do not belong to me . They are the property of Universal Studios and Mark VII Limited . No copyright infringement is intended or monetary gain made . I merely like to toy with them and return them to their proper owner in good working order . |
Stud has been obsessed lately with getting a Wii - U . He 's been talking about it , non - stop , for weeks . And , yes , he 's been annoying the bejeezus out of me with it ! The thing that was bugging me the most is that his car insurance is due in the next couple of weeks , and we told him that HE needed to pay it this time . His father and I have been paying his insurance since he started driving . He didn 't really have a " real " job then , so it wasn 't really a big deal . Plus , I DID have a " real " job , and we could swing it . Anyhoo , like I told you the other day , I threw a surprise party for him this past weekend . Thanks to my VERY generous family , he received enough money in gifts to pay his insurance AND get his new Wii - U . He went to buy it last night . I swear , he was like a little kid on Christmas morning . I can 't believe he didn 't try and set it up last night when he got home . He went to buy it with a friend , and then they watched a movie . But , today , when he finally came up from his " cave , " he started setting it up in the living room . Unfortunately for him , he couldn 't even play with it until he charged the main controller , which took a couple hours . But , as I sit here typing , he 's in the living room , having a blast . Moments like this make it even harder to believe that he 's actually 21 now . . . . I guess he 'll always be my baby boy . = ) I know I dropped the ball this weekend , and didn 't post Saturday or Sunday . ( Hey , I said I was unofficially doing NaBloPoMo . . . ) But , I got busy and just didn 't make it here . Saturday , the son of one of my besties got married . The ceremony was at 12 : 30 , and the reception was at 6 , so it turned into kind of an all - day thing . Everything about the day was beautiful . We really had a nice time at the reception , too . Have you ever known me to keep a post so short ? ! There are basically zero details here , huh ? Very out of character for me , as you already know , I 'm a total over - sharer ( yes , that IS a word ! ) But , I 'm tired , and not feeling so great , so that 's all you 're getting , sorry . My sweet friend , VodkaMom , wrote an awesome book . Every one of my teacher friends will relate to the hilarious stories and anecdotes in this masterpiece . Even if you 're not a teacher , you will laugh your ass off ! ! If you 've never checked out Vodka 's blog , you have no idea what you 've been missing . She is hysterical ! If you have any teachers in your life , this is the PERFECT little gift for the holidays . Actually , it would be a great gift for any parent . Hell , it would be an awesome gift for anyone with a sense of humor ! I 'm so proud of my girlfriend . This was a true labor of love . And , damn it , she makes me miss being in a classroom with her stories about her babies ! I was blown away when I opened my copy , and got to the third page of her " Acknowledgements . " She included me in a list of Bloggy Buddies that she was thanking ! I 'm still a bit weepy over it . I got to watch the " Winter Finale * " of Grey 's Anatomy and Scandal tonight , live . Yep , I wasn 't needed at the bar again tonight . Poop for the lack of business , and lack of paycheck for me , BUT yay for live vs . DVR . So , around 11 this morning , I got a phone call . All I heard when I answered the phone was , " Lee Lee ? I was wondering if you would like to come ovuh ? " It was my Monkey ! ! ! I jumped in the shower , and got dressed , and an hour and half later , I was at my brother 's . ( Have I mentioned how much I HATE how far he lives from me ? ! ? ! ) While I was driving , it occurred to me that tonight is an overnight for him , and I immediately started plotting in my head how I was going to get to take her home with me . ; - ) Later tonight , we are having a Girls ' Night at my mom 's house . My mom , sister , sister - in - law KC ( Ok , my brother 's long - time girlfriend , but after almost 15 freakin ' years , we consider her our sister - in - law ! ) , a good friend of ours and myself try to plan these Girls ' Nights every couple of months . We usually do them at our friend 's house , but this time , my mom volunteered to host . I started thinking I would ask my brother if Monkey could join us for Girls ' Night for a while , then he could come pick her up later . I was really going to play up the angle that if I took her with me , he could run errands , go to the bar and get some work done , or just nap . I was prepared to pull out all the stops until I wore him down , and he let me take my Monkey home . SCORE ! ! Way to go , KC ! ! Long story short , my Monkey is currently sound asleep in my bed . When she gets up from her nap , we are going to make cookies to take to Nonna 's house for Girls ' Night . Yay ! ! When Stud left for school this morning , the windchill was - 11 ° . Like his mother , he tried to walk out of here in just a T - shirt and hoodie . I finally got him to put a coat on , convincing him that a hoodie is fine if he 's running from the car to the building , but God forbid his car broke down , or he got stuck somewhere , a hoodie wasn 't gonna cut it for more than about 5 minutes . ( In fairness to me , I always keep a coat in my car , even if I don 't wear it . I also have gloves , mittens , ear muffs , and hand warmers . I like to be prepared , ya know . ) I guess we nearly broke a record for our low / high temps today . Apparently , the average high temp for today is 47 ° , but we only hit 19 ° . Ahhhh , refreshing . . . . Yeah , I know , this post is painfully boring . But , hey , I needed an excuse to use my newly discovered degrees sign ! ! ; - ) For the second Monday in a row now , my brother told me not to bother going to work at the bar tonight . You might remember he had me stay home last Thursday , too . Did he fire me and not tell me ? ! Actually , it 's been a little slow lately at the bar , which is why he doesn 't really want me to drive all the way out there . It would be a waste of my time . Plus , it saves him on some payroll . I 'm ok with it , really . Once again , I get to watch my shows live , instead of on the DVR in the middle of the night . It 's so funny to me that my two favorite nights for television are Monday and Thursday , and those are the two nights I work at the bar . Anyhoo , I 'm off to watch Dancing with the Stars . LIVE ! = ) Like I mentioned the other day , I barely sleep anymore . So , I 've been up for hours now ( it 's about 8 : 15am ) and I 've been watching our outdoor temp slowly climb each hour during the weather segment of my favorite morning news show . Right now , it 's all the way up to a balmy 13 °. = ) So , Magnum bought another snow blower today . I guess the flurries and slight ( SLIGHT ! ) accumulation we had yesterday scared him or something . I had absolutely nothing to do with this decision . He didn 't even tell me until after he already bought it online . He only mentioned it because we had to clean out the back of my truck so we could pick it up . I know I posted about the snow blower we bought last year . I don 't know if I mentioned that immediately after we bought it , the one we have at his parents ' house stop working . We had bought a second one so we wouldn 't have to keep transporting the one we already had from house to house , and in the windup , that 's what we ended up doing all winter anyway . : - / I guess at some point this summer , unbeknownst to me , he actually had his brother - in - law help him take the broken blower to a guy to see about getting it fixed . This goofy guy told him he only fixes lawn mowers in the summer , and snow blowers in the winter . HUH ? ! He told Magnum to bring it back in November . That makes absolutely no sense to us , but he wouldn 't budge . So , bottom line , it 's still sitting in his parents ' garage , not working . Magnum 's plan is to keep this new one at his parents ' house , and then get the old one fixed and keep it at MY parents ' house . ( They have the smallest amount of ground that needs to be shoveled . Our house and his parents ' both have very long , double - width driveways ) That will definitely make it a lot easier to take care of their snow . It 's not that easy to drag that huge snow blower around , taking it in and out of my truck . We did that with our lawnmower for years , too , before my parents just decided to get a lawn service . You should see how torn up the back of my truck is from dragging these two huge machines around . Just for the record , I thinks it 's excessive for us to own three snow blowers , but like I said , it 's his money . However , I will admit that I 'm grateful I won 't have to shovel the huge snowfalls anymore , and that I won 't have to wait for Magnum to be around to take the machine in and out of the truck for me . I like to be able to do things by myself , ya know ? Anyhoo , that was our excitement today . We really live a wild and crazy life . We should really try and take it down a notch , don 't you think ? ( How obvious is it that I 'm unofficially participating in NaBloPoMo ? ! For the two people who hadn 't figured it out , that accounts for the super boring , super rambling posts lately . But , it was the kick in the pants I needed to get back into the swing of posting regularly again . ) We visited with my mom for a while , telling her the whole saga of the missing phone . Then we eventually said our good - byes so we could head to the bank . As we were walking out her door , Stud says , " Hey , where are my glasses ? ! " ARE YOU FREAKIN ' KIDDING ME ! ? ? ! I KNOW he had them on his face when we were walking out of Walmart , so we figured they HAD to be either in my car , or my parents ' house . But , lately , he has gotten into this habit of hanging his glasses on the collar of his shirt . You know , instead of actually WEARING them ! ! So , there was no telling where the hell he might have actually lost them . My fear was they fell off his shirt when he was either helping me put our bags in the car or when he was putting our empty cart in the cart corral . If either of those had happened , all I could picture was his glasses smashed in the parking lot , having been run over by who knows how many cars . He and his grandmother looked all over her house , while I searched every nook and cranny of the car . Nothing . We decided we had to drive all the way back to Walmart and search the lot . Grrrr ! We drove back to the area where I thought I had parked , and looked up and down the parking lot , and in the cart corrals . No glasses . Stud went into the store and asked at customer service if anyone had turned in any glasses . Nope . He then went and looked in every single cart at the entrance . Nothing . We did one more drive through the parking lot , but didn 't find anything . By now , my blood pressure was sky - high , and I may or may not have been screaming at him about how damn irresponsible he is , and how HE was going to be paying for a new pair of glasses , while listening to him whine about how now he can 't even drive because he needs his glasses . The whole scene was something out of a bad reality TV show . I 'm not proud of it , but I know how I can get . : - / We finally left Walmart , and headed to the bank , then went home . Magnum was already home when we got there . I walked into my bathroom , and the first thing I saw on my sink was a pair of men 's glasses next to my own glasses . I asked Magnum if they were his , but they weren 't . I called Stud over , and you guessed it . They were his ! What . The . Actual . Fuck . I haven 't got anything close to a rational explanation for how those glasses ended up in my bathroom . Well , other than Divine Intervention , that is . The entire time I was driving back to Walmart , I was praying and praying for us to find those glasses . Right now , we really can 't afford to be replacing glasses that cost over $ 350 . Plus , like Stud said , he can 't drive without them , and it would have taken a minimum of a week to have a new pair made . I would have had to drive him everywhere until the new ones were ready . I should probably mention that he DOES has a second pair , but they broke about a month ago , and we never got around to bringing them to the eye doctor to get repaired , mostly because I was afraid of how much it would cost . So , yeah , I was praying hard to find this pair . Not only do I KNOW he had them on his face when we left Walmart , there would have been no reason for his glasses to be in my bathroom in the first place . Magnum and Stud are basically barred from using " my " bathroom . They share the bathroom in the basement , and I have the upstairs bathroom all to myself . Magnum is lucky I let him occasionally pee in there so he doesn 't have to go down to the basement every time . But , Stud just about NEVER uses my bathroom . MAYBE once a week , if that . That 's mostly because he never ventures up from the basement unless he 's at work or school . My point is , I have no freakin ' clue how or why those glasses were in my bathroom , but you better believe a sent up a giant prayer of gratitude . My mother was completely freaked out by this whole thing . How about you ? Does it freak you out or reaffirm your faith ? I 'd love to hear what you have to say . Stud and I had a very busy day today . He worked early this morning at the grocery store , then when he came home , we took a drive out to his school to take care of a few things . He needed to pick up his paycheck , and find out about , what we thought were , missing checks . We were there for quite a while , and walked from one end of the campus to the other . We walked back across the campus to the car , and as we were getting in , Stud realized his phone was missing . UGH ! He frantically searched the car , but it wasn 't in there . We then realized we were going to have to retrace every step we had taken in the last hour and a half . Double UGH ! Now , let me back up a minute and get some bitching out of the way . When Stud came home from work , he changed out of his uniform . He put on a T - shirt , and his flippin ' pajama pants . I can 't STAND it when he wears his pajama pants out in public , which he does all the damn time , including to class . Granted , they are solid black and fleecy , as opposed to plaid flannel , or something like that , so they sort of just look like sweatpants . But , still , I think he just looks sloppy , because they are so loose and baggy . I asked him to put jeans on , but he refused . So , now let 's go back to school . We established that the phone must have fallen out of his pocket . He got back out of the car , and started retracing his steps . Oh , wait , I forgot to mention that as we walked from building to building , I used to concrete walking paths . Stud , on the other hand , took the " short cut " and walked across the grass . I 'm pretty sure it was just to annoy me . : - / He started to walk across the first patch of grass he walked across when we got there , then went into the building . I originally was going to wait in the car , since it was freezing outside , plus I was pissed at him for being so irresponsible . But , after about a minute , I figured , what the hell , I might as well look , too . I took about 5 steps across the grass , between the same two trees he JUST walked between , and lo and behold , there , buried in the carpet of ivy on the ground , was his damn phone . I think I was more annoyed that he had just walked past it a minute ago and didn 't even see it , than the fact that he dropped it in the first place . Stud seems to have whatever that gene is that most men have . When they are " looking " for something , unless it jumps up and bites them in the nose , they can 't see it . ANNOYING ! After I found the phone , I still ended up having to literally chase Stud all around campus . Gee , if only I could have called him on his PHONE to say I found his PHONE . He was too far ahead of me to even try yelling across the open campus for him . I had to just hope that at some point , he would stop long enough for me to catch up . Luckily , that 's exactly what happened . I finally found him in the department office where he works , on the phone with security , trying to see what they could do for him . Ok , so we walked ALL the way back to the car again , and went on our merry way . From there we went straight to my favorite store ( yes , Walmart ! ) We were there for a while , then had to stop at my parents ' on the way home to pick up one of his paychecks before heading to the bank . That 's when the next part of this craptastic day happened . But , I 'm going to save it for tomorrow , so I 'll have something to post about . Besides , this post has already been WAY too long , and WAY too boring ! ; - ) Ok , so I was watching Grey 's Anatomy ( in REAL TIME , yay ! ) when Stud walked in the back door from school . He brought a friend home , who I haven 't seen in a while . I had gotten up to see who was coming in the back door , but then literally ran back to my room when I saw it was them . I yelled over my shoulder , " Hi ! Sorry , I 'll be back at the commercial ! ! " When the commercial break came , I ran down to the basement to say hello properly , and apologize again to his friend . She just laughed , and said , " Don 't worry about it . What are you watching ? " Without even skipping a beat , I excitedly blurted out , " ER ! " What the hell just came out of my mouth ? ! ? ! I instantly started laughing , as did both of them . Stud then said , while rolling his eyes , " I think she means Grey 's Anatomy . . . " Man , it sucks getting old . . . . My brother just told me not to bother coming in to work again tonight . While I 'm thankful for not having to leave the house , I 'm feeling a little guilty for not going . Even on nights when we aren 't super busy , I like that I 'm there to be his eyes and ears . But , since it 's after 6 , and I STILL haven 't gotten dressed today , I 'm thankful to not have to go out . Did I mention it 's been snowing on and off , and it 's in the 20s right now ? I didn 't do a damn thing today . I never even got out of my pajamas . Now , I DID wash my face and brush my teeth , but that 's as far as I got . Other than putting the dogs out a couple times , I didn 't even get off my bed until about 2 : 00 . I emptied the dishwasher , then moved to the couch . Oh , yes I really did . I stayed parked there , catching up on the shows on my DVR , until Stud came home from school . Then , I warmed up some left over chili for us for dinner , and went right back to the couch . Now , I 'm snuggled up , back in my bed . Some day , huh ? It 's kind of like the world knew I needed a day like this . I didn 't get one single call or text all day . That NEVER happens . I haven 't been getting much sleep lately . I 'm lucky if I get about 3 hours a night these days . So , this was the perfect day to just rest up . Let 's hope I can get to sleep at a decent time tonight . Actually , that 's not really the problem . It 's the STAYING asleep that gets me . It would be great to not be awake until midnight , only to wake up around 3 , and then be up for the rest of the night . Ugh . Well , if that happens again tonight , it 'll probably mean that I 'll get a call to take Monkey tomorrow . That 's what USUALLY happens when I haven 't gotten any sleep . But , that 's absolutely fine with me ! Grab your Kleenex before hitting play . . . I just spent 10 minutes and 3 seconds sobbing . . . There are a million more like this online . I don 't know how many more I can take , but I 'm off to grab a new box of Kleenex , and find out . So , Stud had to take the day off work today to attend traffic court . What a joke ! About a month ago , he got pulled over by some cop who clearly had nothing better to do , and got THREE tickets ! ( And , as the ex - wife of a cop , and someone who comes from a cop family , I 'm allowed to bad mouth cops ! : P ) One ticket was for a headlight that was out . Now , granted , it was NOT shining , however , there is a short or something in the light , and you have to literally smack it to get it to come on . Magnum has been doing it for years . Did I mention Stud was driving Magnum 's car ? Magnum even found a couple things online about this particular problem in Mazda 6s , which is what he has . The third ticket was for not having insurance . Hang on , OF COURSE we have insurance on that car . Unfortunately for Stud , he couldn 't find the insurance card because he was driving his father 's car , and didn 't know where Magnum put it . After the cop walked away to start writing the tickets , Stud found the card . When the cop came back , Stud told him he found it , but the cop basically told him it was too bad , he already wrote the ticket . While the cop was sitting in his car writing away , Stud called me to tell me what was going on . When the cop came back , Stud just set the phone down , so I could hear what the cop was saying . He told Stud that all he had to do was come to court , show receipts for the light bulbs and bring the insurance card , and it would all be thrown out . Sure enough , that 's what happened . Now , trust me , I 'm thrilled that there was not even a court fee or anything , and we walked away without having to pay one cent ( other than the replacement bulbs ) . But , it just irritates me that Stud had to request the day off , and that we had to sit there for over an hour before being called . The courtroom was chock - full of people , the majority of whom were there for basically the same type of tickets ( headlights , plate lights ) . Apparently , that must have been the focus of this town 's police force last month . The thing is , every case was being dismissed , so the city wasn 't even making any revenue off these cases . What exactly was the point then ? Just to inconvenience people ? I don 't get it . I realized while we were sitting there that I could have just gone by myself , in Stud 's place , and he wouldn 't have had to give up a day of work . A few people who were there were there in place of others . I wish I had known that . Since Stud is in school full - time , his availability for work is limited , so he needs all the hours he can get . I never slept last night ( long story ) so I 've been dragging all day . I seriously considered skipping church this morning , since Magnum had to work , and thought about just sleeping for a few hours . But , I decided to go anyway , especially since one of my 5 jobs now is working for our church . Anyway , I wasn 't home 5 minutes when Magnum came rushing through the door . He was still working , but had to stop home for something . I ended up leaving with him , and hung out with him while he worked for a few hours . Afterward , we came home , I made a giant pot of chili , and now I 'm snuggled up , waiting to watch my Sunday shows . I probably won 't make it through the first 5 minutes , though , because I 'm freakin ' exhausted . Just to give you an idea of how tired I actually am , my brother called while I was cooking , to tell me he was on his way to our parents ' house , with my Monkey . I actually told him I was too tired to drive over there . I passed on seeing my Monkey ! ! Yeah , now that I just typed that out , I may have to reconsider . Especially since my parents only live about 20 blocks away , for Pete 's sake . My local Walmart has been undergoing some remodeling for several months now . I have not shopped there in months because of it . It was just too chaotic and confusing . I can only imagine how much money I have saved by not going there . I 'm not even exaggerating even a little bit . Magnum and I always made a Walmart run every Saturday as part of our errands . Then , most weeks , I would stop there at least one other day during the week , sometimes even two or three days . It was almost an illness . : - / I went there today for the first time in months . I should be too embarrassed to even share this , but I was there for almost 3 hours . Yep , seriously . Three . Hours . I just slowly strolled up and down the aisles , taking my time , checking things out . I even went in the Christmas room , just to look around . It was a great way to kill an afternoon . The best part ? I walked out of there for under $ 65 ! Really . The whole reason I went there is because Junior somehow lost his collar about a month ago . We 've looked everywhere for it . I 'm fairly certain it is probably under our deck , since it 's the only place we can 't look . He likes to go under there , and I 'm thinking it probably got caught on something , and slid off when he pulled himself free . Anyway , I kept meaning to just pick up another collar at Walmart , along with a new tag . So , a quarter of what I spent was on the goofy dog , which makes me feel even better . Oh , and about half of what I spent was for Stud . So , bottom line , I spent almost nothing on myself . I consider that a win ! We had an AWESOME day , full of " adventures . " As soon as I picked her up , we jumped right on the expressway , and drove up to the school where I last worked . I won 't bore you with too many details , but she basically was in her glory ! This baby desperately needs to go to school ! I 'll leave it at that , because I don 't want to start complaining about her parents . . . From there , we drove to meet Magnum for lunch . We had a blast . She is just so damn cute . She instantly won the heart of the woman who owns the restaurant where we ate . Her uncle was thrilled to have her all to himself for an hour . It was quite a long drive to get back home , and I was hoping she 'd fall asleep and get a good nap in , but that little trooper fought it almost all the way . She finally conked out about 10 minutes before we got home . That actually worked out better , since I was able to get her out of the car without waking her up . After a nice nap , we got up , and she got to sing Happy Birthday to Stud , and have some birthday cake . Score ! 21 years ago today , at 4 : 43 am , the greatest love of my life entered this world , weighing 8 lbs 2oz , and measuring 20 1 / 2 inches long . Ok , I know none of these are new . Truthfully , all of them were pulled from this blog . I just have not had a chance to look for any new ones . However , that doesn 't make them any less adorable , right ? This started out as a place to document the craziness that was my job as a Chicago Public School teacher . However , over the past 5 or so years , it 's become more about the craziness that is my life . View my complete profile |
Stud has been obsessed lately with getting a Wii - U . He 's been talking about it , non - stop , for weeks . And , yes , he 's been annoying the bejeezus out of me with it ! The thing that was bugging me the most is that his car insurance is due in the next couple of weeks , and we told him that HE needed to pay it this time . His father and I have been paying his insurance since he started driving . He didn 't really have a " real " job then , so it wasn 't really a big deal . Plus , I DID have a " real " job , and we could swing it . Anyhoo , like I told you the other day , I threw a surprise party for him this past weekend . Thanks to my VERY generous family , he received enough money in gifts to pay his insurance AND get his new Wii - U . He went to buy it last night . I swear , he was like a little kid on Christmas morning . I can 't believe he didn 't try and set it up last night when he got home . He went to buy it with a friend , and then they watched a movie . But , today , when he finally came up from his " cave , " he started setting it up in the living room . Unfortunately for him , he couldn 't even play with it until he charged the main controller , which took a couple hours . But , as I sit here typing , he 's in the living room , having a blast . Moments like this make it even harder to believe that he 's actually 21 now . . . . I guess he 'll always be my baby boy . = ) I know I dropped the ball this weekend , and didn 't post Saturday or Sunday . ( Hey , I said I was unofficially doing NaBloPoMo . . . ) But , I got busy and just didn 't make it here . Saturday , the son of one of my besties got married . The ceremony was at 12 : 30 , and the reception was at 6 , so it turned into kind of an all - day thing . Everything about the day was beautiful . We really had a nice time at the reception , too . Have you ever known me to keep a post so short ? ! There are basically zero details here , huh ? Very out of character for me , as you already know , I 'm a total over - sharer ( yes , that IS a word ! ) But , I 'm tired , and not feeling so great , so that 's all you 're getting , sorry . My sweet friend , VodkaMom , wrote an awesome book . Every one of my teacher friends will relate to the hilarious stories and anecdotes in this masterpiece . Even if you 're not a teacher , you will laugh your ass off ! ! If you 've never checked out Vodka 's blog , you have no idea what you 've been missing . She is hysterical ! If you have any teachers in your life , this is the PERFECT little gift for the holidays . Actually , it would be a great gift for any parent . Hell , it would be an awesome gift for anyone with a sense of humor ! I 'm so proud of my girlfriend . This was a true labor of love . And , damn it , she makes me miss being in a classroom with her stories about her babies ! I was blown away when I opened my copy , and got to the third page of her " Acknowledgements . " She included me in a list of Bloggy Buddies that she was thanking ! I 'm still a bit weepy over it . I got to watch the " Winter Finale * " of Grey 's Anatomy and Scandal tonight , live . Yep , I wasn 't needed at the bar again tonight . Poop for the lack of business , and lack of paycheck for me , BUT yay for live vs . DVR . So , around 11 this morning , I got a phone call . All I heard when I answered the phone was , " Lee Lee ? I was wondering if you would like to come ovuh ? " It was my Monkey ! ! ! I jumped in the shower , and got dressed , and an hour and half later , I was at my brother 's . ( Have I mentioned how much I HATE how far he lives from me ? ! ? ! ) While I was driving , it occurred to me that tonight is an overnight for him , and I immediately started plotting in my head how I was going to get to take her home with me . ; - ) Later tonight , we are having a Girls ' Night at my mom 's house . My mom , sister , sister - in - law KC ( Ok , my brother 's long - time girlfriend , but after almost 15 freakin ' years , we consider her our sister - in - law ! ) , a good friend of ours and myself try to plan these Girls ' Nights every couple of months . We usually do them at our friend 's house , but this time , my mom volunteered to host . I started thinking I would ask my brother if Monkey could join us for Girls ' Night for a while , then he could come pick her up later . I was really going to play up the angle that if I took her with me , he could run errands , go to the bar and get some work done , or just nap . I was prepared to pull out all the stops until I wore him down , and he let me take my Monkey home . SCORE ! ! Way to go , KC ! ! Long story short , my Monkey is currently sound asleep in my bed . When she gets up from her nap , we are going to make cookies to take to Nonna 's house for Girls ' Night . Yay ! ! When Stud left for school this morning , the windchill was - 11 ° . Like his mother , he tried to walk out of here in just a T - shirt and hoodie . I finally got him to put a coat on , convincing him that a hoodie is fine if he 's running from the car to the building , but God forbid his car broke down , or he got stuck somewhere , a hoodie wasn 't gonna cut it for more than about 5 minutes . ( In fairness to me , I always keep a coat in my car , even if I don 't wear it . I also have gloves , mittens , ear muffs , and hand warmers . I like to be prepared , ya know . ) I guess we nearly broke a record for our low / high temps today . Apparently , the average high temp for today is 47 ° , but we only hit 19 ° . Ahhhh , refreshing . . . . Yeah , I know , this post is painfully boring . But , hey , I needed an excuse to use my newly discovered degrees sign ! ! ; - ) For the second Monday in a row now , my brother told me not to bother going to work at the bar tonight . You might remember he had me stay home last Thursday , too . Did he fire me and not tell me ? ! Actually , it 's been a little slow lately at the bar , which is why he doesn 't really want me to drive all the way out there . It would be a waste of my time . Plus , it saves him on some payroll . I 'm ok with it , really . Once again , I get to watch my shows live , instead of on the DVR in the middle of the night . It 's so funny to me that my two favorite nights for television are Monday and Thursday , and those are the two nights I work at the bar . Anyhoo , I 'm off to watch Dancing with the Stars . LIVE ! = ) Like I mentioned the other day , I barely sleep anymore . So , I 've been up for hours now ( it 's about 8 : 15am ) and I 've been watching our outdoor temp slowly climb each hour during the weather segment of my favorite morning news show . Right now , it 's all the way up to a balmy 13 °. = ) So , Magnum bought another snow blower today . I guess the flurries and slight ( SLIGHT ! ) accumulation we had yesterday scared him or something . I had absolutely nothing to do with this decision . He didn 't even tell me until after he already bought it online . He only mentioned it because we had to clean out the back of my truck so we could pick it up . I know I posted about the snow blower we bought last year . I don 't know if I mentioned that immediately after we bought it , the one we have at his parents ' house stop working . We had bought a second one so we wouldn 't have to keep transporting the one we already had from house to house , and in the windup , that 's what we ended up doing all winter anyway . : - / I guess at some point this summer , unbeknownst to me , he actually had his brother - in - law help him take the broken blower to a guy to see about getting it fixed . This goofy guy told him he only fixes lawn mowers in the summer , and snow blowers in the winter . HUH ? ! He told Magnum to bring it back in November . That makes absolutely no sense to us , but he wouldn 't budge . So , bottom line , it 's still sitting in his parents ' garage , not working . Magnum 's plan is to keep this new one at his parents ' house , and then get the old one fixed and keep it at MY parents ' house . ( They have the smallest amount of ground that needs to be shoveled . Our house and his parents ' both have very long , double - width driveways ) That will definitely make it a lot easier to take care of their snow . It 's not that easy to drag that huge snow blower around , taking it in and out of my truck . We did that with our lawnmower for years , too , before my parents just decided to get a lawn service . You should see how torn up the back of my truck is from dragging these two huge machines around . Just for the record , I thinks it 's excessive for us to own three snow blowers , but like I said , it 's his money . However , I will admit that I 'm grateful I won 't have to shovel the huge snowfalls anymore , and that I won 't have to wait for Magnum to be around to take the machine in and out of the truck for me . I like to be able to do things by myself , ya know ? Anyhoo , that was our excitement today . We really live a wild and crazy life . We should really try and take it down a notch , don 't you think ? ( How obvious is it that I 'm unofficially participating in NaBloPoMo ? ! For the two people who hadn 't figured it out , that accounts for the super boring , super rambling posts lately . But , it was the kick in the pants I needed to get back into the swing of posting regularly again . ) We visited with my mom for a while , telling her the whole saga of the missing phone . Then we eventually said our good - byes so we could head to the bank . As we were walking out her door , Stud says , " Hey , where are my glasses ? ! " ARE YOU FREAKIN ' KIDDING ME ! ? ? ! I KNOW he had them on his face when we were walking out of Walmart , so we figured they HAD to be either in my car , or my parents ' house . But , lately , he has gotten into this habit of hanging his glasses on the collar of his shirt . You know , instead of actually WEARING them ! ! So , there was no telling where the hell he might have actually lost them . My fear was they fell off his shirt when he was either helping me put our bags in the car or when he was putting our empty cart in the cart corral . If either of those had happened , all I could picture was his glasses smashed in the parking lot , having been run over by who knows how many cars . He and his grandmother looked all over her house , while I searched every nook and cranny of the car . Nothing . We decided we had to drive all the way back to Walmart and search the lot . Grrrr ! We drove back to the area where I thought I had parked , and looked up and down the parking lot , and in the cart corrals . No glasses . Stud went into the store and asked at customer service if anyone had turned in any glasses . Nope . He then went and looked in every single cart at the entrance . Nothing . We did one more drive through the parking lot , but didn 't find anything . By now , my blood pressure was sky - high , and I may or may not have been screaming at him about how damn irresponsible he is , and how HE was going to be paying for a new pair of glasses , while listening to him whine about how now he can 't even drive because he needs his glasses . The whole scene was something out of a bad reality TV show . I 'm not proud of it , but I know how I can get . : - / We finally left Walmart , and headed to the bank , then went home . Magnum was already home when we got there . I walked into my bathroom , and the first thing I saw on my sink was a pair of men 's glasses next to my own glasses . I asked Magnum if they were his , but they weren 't . I called Stud over , and you guessed it . They were his ! What . The . Actual . Fuck . I haven 't got anything close to a rational explanation for how those glasses ended up in my bathroom . Well , other than Divine Intervention , that is . The entire time I was driving back to Walmart , I was praying and praying for us to find those glasses . Right now , we really can 't afford to be replacing glasses that cost over $ 350 . Plus , like Stud said , he can 't drive without them , and it would have taken a minimum of a week to have a new pair made . I would have had to drive him everywhere until the new ones were ready . I should probably mention that he DOES has a second pair , but they broke about a month ago , and we never got around to bringing them to the eye doctor to get repaired , mostly because I was afraid of how much it would cost . So , yeah , I was praying hard to find this pair . Not only do I KNOW he had them on his face when we left Walmart , there would have been no reason for his glasses to be in my bathroom in the first place . Magnum and Stud are basically barred from using " my " bathroom . They share the bathroom in the basement , and I have the upstairs bathroom all to myself . Magnum is lucky I let him occasionally pee in there so he doesn 't have to go down to the basement every time . But , Stud just about NEVER uses my bathroom . MAYBE once a week , if that . That 's mostly because he never ventures up from the basement unless he 's at work or school . My point is , I have no freakin ' clue how or why those glasses were in my bathroom , but you better believe a sent up a giant prayer of gratitude . My mother was completely freaked out by this whole thing . How about you ? Does it freak you out or reaffirm your faith ? I 'd love to hear what you have to say . Stud and I had a very busy day today . He worked early this morning at the grocery store , then when he came home , we took a drive out to his school to take care of a few things . He needed to pick up his paycheck , and find out about , what we thought were , missing checks . We were there for quite a while , and walked from one end of the campus to the other . We walked back across the campus to the car , and as we were getting in , Stud realized his phone was missing . UGH ! He frantically searched the car , but it wasn 't in there . We then realized we were going to have to retrace every step we had taken in the last hour and a half . Double UGH ! Now , let me back up a minute and get some bitching out of the way . When Stud came home from work , he changed out of his uniform . He put on a T - shirt , and his flippin ' pajama pants . I can 't STAND it when he wears his pajama pants out in public , which he does all the damn time , including to class . Granted , they are solid black and fleecy , as opposed to plaid flannel , or something like that , so they sort of just look like sweatpants . But , still , I think he just looks sloppy , because they are so loose and baggy . I asked him to put jeans on , but he refused . So , now let 's go back to school . We established that the phone must have fallen out of his pocket . He got back out of the car , and started retracing his steps . Oh , wait , I forgot to mention that as we walked from building to building , I used to concrete walking paths . Stud , on the other hand , took the " short cut " and walked across the grass . I 'm pretty sure it was just to annoy me . : - / He started to walk across the first patch of grass he walked across when we got there , then went into the building . I originally was going to wait in the car , since it was freezing outside , plus I was pissed at him for being so irresponsible . But , after about a minute , I figured , what the hell , I might as well look , too . I took about 5 steps across the grass , between the same two trees he JUST walked between , and lo and behold , there , buried in the carpet of ivy on the ground , was his damn phone . I think I was more annoyed that he had just walked past it a minute ago and didn 't even see it , than the fact that he dropped it in the first place . Stud seems to have whatever that gene is that most men have . When they are " looking " for something , unless it jumps up and bites them in the nose , they can 't see it . ANNOYING ! After I found the phone , I still ended up having to literally chase Stud all around campus . Gee , if only I could have called him on his PHONE to say I found his PHONE . He was too far ahead of me to even try yelling across the open campus for him . I had to just hope that at some point , he would stop long enough for me to catch up . Luckily , that 's exactly what happened . I finally found him in the department office where he works , on the phone with security , trying to see what they could do for him . Ok , so we walked ALL the way back to the car again , and went on our merry way . From there we went straight to my favorite store ( yes , Walmart ! ) We were there for a while , then had to stop at my parents ' on the way home to pick up one of his paychecks before heading to the bank . That 's when the next part of this craptastic day happened . But , I 'm going to save it for tomorrow , so I 'll have something to post about . Besides , this post has already been WAY too long , and WAY too boring ! ; - ) Ok , so I was watching Grey 's Anatomy ( in REAL TIME , yay ! ) when Stud walked in the back door from school . He brought a friend home , who I haven 't seen in a while . I had gotten up to see who was coming in the back door , but then literally ran back to my room when I saw it was them . I yelled over my shoulder , " Hi ! Sorry , I 'll be back at the commercial ! ! " When the commercial break came , I ran down to the basement to say hello properly , and apologize again to his friend . She just laughed , and said , " Don 't worry about it . What are you watching ? " Without even skipping a beat , I excitedly blurted out , " ER ! " What the hell just came out of my mouth ? ! ? ! I instantly started laughing , as did both of them . Stud then said , while rolling his eyes , " I think she means Grey 's Anatomy . . . " Man , it sucks getting old . . . . My brother just told me not to bother coming in to work again tonight . While I 'm thankful for not having to leave the house , I 'm feeling a little guilty for not going . Even on nights when we aren 't super busy , I like that I 'm there to be his eyes and ears . But , since it 's after 6 , and I STILL haven 't gotten dressed today , I 'm thankful to not have to go out . Did I mention it 's been snowing on and off , and it 's in the 20s right now ? I didn 't do a damn thing today . I never even got out of my pajamas . Now , I DID wash my face and brush my teeth , but that 's as far as I got . Other than putting the dogs out a couple times , I didn 't even get off my bed until about 2 : 00 . I emptied the dishwasher , then moved to the couch . Oh , yes I really did . I stayed parked there , catching up on the shows on my DVR , until Stud came home from school . Then , I warmed up some left over chili for us for dinner , and went right back to the couch . Now , I 'm snuggled up , back in my bed . Some day , huh ? It 's kind of like the world knew I needed a day like this . I didn 't get one single call or text all day . That NEVER happens . I haven 't been getting much sleep lately . I 'm lucky if I get about 3 hours a night these days . So , this was the perfect day to just rest up . Let 's hope I can get to sleep at a decent time tonight . Actually , that 's not really the problem . It 's the STAYING asleep that gets me . It would be great to not be awake until midnight , only to wake up around 3 , and then be up for the rest of the night . Ugh . Well , if that happens again tonight , it 'll probably mean that I 'll get a call to take Monkey tomorrow . That 's what USUALLY happens when I haven 't gotten any sleep . But , that 's absolutely fine with me ! Grab your Kleenex before hitting play . . . I just spent 10 minutes and 3 seconds sobbing . . . There are a million more like this online . I don 't know how many more I can take , but I 'm off to grab a new box of Kleenex , and find out . So , Stud had to take the day off work today to attend traffic court . What a joke ! About a month ago , he got pulled over by some cop who clearly had nothing better to do , and got THREE tickets ! ( And , as the ex - wife of a cop , and someone who comes from a cop family , I 'm allowed to bad mouth cops ! : P ) One ticket was for a headlight that was out . Now , granted , it was NOT shining , however , there is a short or something in the light , and you have to literally smack it to get it to come on . Magnum has been doing it for years . Did I mention Stud was driving Magnum 's car ? Magnum even found a couple things online about this particular problem in Mazda 6s , which is what he has . The third ticket was for not having insurance . Hang on , OF COURSE we have insurance on that car . Unfortunately for Stud , he couldn 't find the insurance card because he was driving his father 's car , and didn 't know where Magnum put it . After the cop walked away to start writing the tickets , Stud found the card . When the cop came back , Stud told him he found it , but the cop basically told him it was too bad , he already wrote the ticket . While the cop was sitting in his car writing away , Stud called me to tell me what was going on . When the cop came back , Stud just set the phone down , so I could hear what the cop was saying . He told Stud that all he had to do was come to court , show receipts for the light bulbs and bring the insurance card , and it would all be thrown out . Sure enough , that 's what happened . Now , trust me , I 'm thrilled that there was not even a court fee or anything , and we walked away without having to pay one cent ( other than the replacement bulbs ) . But , it just irritates me that Stud had to request the day off , and that we had to sit there for over an hour before being called . The courtroom was chock - full of people , the majority of whom were there for basically the same type of tickets ( headlights , plate lights ) . Apparently , that must have been the focus of this town 's police force last month . The thing is , every case was being dismissed , so the city wasn 't even making any revenue off these cases . What exactly was the point then ? Just to inconvenience people ? I don 't get it . I realized while we were sitting there that I could have just gone by myself , in Stud 's place , and he wouldn 't have had to give up a day of work . A few people who were there were there in place of others . I wish I had known that . Since Stud is in school full - time , his availability for work is limited , so he needs all the hours he can get . I never slept last night ( long story ) so I 've been dragging all day . I seriously considered skipping church this morning , since Magnum had to work , and thought about just sleeping for a few hours . But , I decided to go anyway , especially since one of my 5 jobs now is working for our church . Anyway , I wasn 't home 5 minutes when Magnum came rushing through the door . He was still working , but had to stop home for something . I ended up leaving with him , and hung out with him while he worked for a few hours . Afterward , we came home , I made a giant pot of chili , and now I 'm snuggled up , waiting to watch my Sunday shows . I probably won 't make it through the first 5 minutes , though , because I 'm freakin ' exhausted . Just to give you an idea of how tired I actually am , my brother called while I was cooking , to tell me he was on his way to our parents ' house , with my Monkey . I actually told him I was too tired to drive over there . I passed on seeing my Monkey ! ! Yeah , now that I just typed that out , I may have to reconsider . Especially since my parents only live about 20 blocks away , for Pete 's sake . My local Walmart has been undergoing some remodeling for several months now . I have not shopped there in months because of it . It was just too chaotic and confusing . I can only imagine how much money I have saved by not going there . I 'm not even exaggerating even a little bit . Magnum and I always made a Walmart run every Saturday as part of our errands . Then , most weeks , I would stop there at least one other day during the week , sometimes even two or three days . It was almost an illness . : - / I went there today for the first time in months . I should be too embarrassed to even share this , but I was there for almost 3 hours . Yep , seriously . Three . Hours . I just slowly strolled up and down the aisles , taking my time , checking things out . I even went in the Christmas room , just to look around . It was a great way to kill an afternoon . The best part ? I walked out of there for under $ 65 ! Really . The whole reason I went there is because Junior somehow lost his collar about a month ago . We 've looked everywhere for it . I 'm fairly certain it is probably under our deck , since it 's the only place we can 't look . He likes to go under there , and I 'm thinking it probably got caught on something , and slid off when he pulled himself free . Anyway , I kept meaning to just pick up another collar at Walmart , along with a new tag . So , a quarter of what I spent was on the goofy dog , which makes me feel even better . Oh , and about half of what I spent was for Stud . So , bottom line , I spent almost nothing on myself . I consider that a win ! We had an AWESOME day , full of " adventures . " As soon as I picked her up , we jumped right on the expressway , and drove up to the school where I last worked . I won 't bore you with too many details , but she basically was in her glory ! This baby desperately needs to go to school ! I 'll leave it at that , because I don 't want to start complaining about her parents . . . From there , we drove to meet Magnum for lunch . We had a blast . She is just so damn cute . She instantly won the heart of the woman who owns the restaurant where we ate . Her uncle was thrilled to have her all to himself for an hour . It was quite a long drive to get back home , and I was hoping she 'd fall asleep and get a good nap in , but that little trooper fought it almost all the way . She finally conked out about 10 minutes before we got home . That actually worked out better , since I was able to get her out of the car without waking her up . After a nice nap , we got up , and she got to sing Happy Birthday to Stud , and have some birthday cake . Score ! 21 years ago today , at 4 : 43 am , the greatest love of my life entered this world , weighing 8 lbs 2oz , and measuring 20 1 / 2 inches long . Ok , I know none of these are new . Truthfully , all of them were pulled from this blog . I just have not had a chance to look for any new ones . However , that doesn 't make them any less adorable , right ? This started out as a place to document the craziness that was my job as a Chicago Public School teacher . However , over the past 5 or so years , it 's become more about the craziness that is my life . View my complete profile |
" Not with you sitting here . That would defeat the purpose . " He opened his eyes and stared into hers . " What is the purpose ? Why did you agree to meet me tonight ? " " I wanted to see you , " she said softly . " Our kiss Friday . I didn 't feel wrong about it then , and I don 't now . The only ' wrong ' thing about it was that it made me dishonest to Corin and what I have with him . " " Until you told him about it . " He took her hand and turned it palm up , then slipped his own hand over it . " That made it honest . " " So there wasn 't anything wrong about it . " With his other hand , he brushed her face . " You told me he said he didn 't have a problem with it . " " I am ? " He raised an eyebrow . " Funny , I know human touch is powerful . I didn 't realize it had the power to take away speech . " " I wanted to see you . " With one finger , he traced her lips . " You told me your man would have no problem if you and I got something going . Or maybe I should say resumed what we used to have . You wouldn 't have told me if the idea didn 't appeal to you . I 'd like to see just how much appeal it has . " " See how far you 're willing to go . " He leaned closer to her , his face now mere inches from hers . In less than a second , he would be able to kiss her if he wanted . If she allowed it . He had to give her the choice , but having her so near , knowing she would no longer hide behind her fear of cheating on her man , made holding back even more difficult than before . " You have permission to explore what you want . Will you take the chance , or are you going to keep trying to play it safe ? " " It isn 't possible to play it safe with you . " She ran her hand up his arm . " This should be peaceful , like at your apartment . It isn 't . Far from it . " " Possibilities . " Niko kissed her forehead . " Whatever happens here tonight won 't change my opinion of you , if that 's what you 're worried about . " " You 're here . I 'm here . " He rested his hand on her thigh , and she shivered again . " Relax , " he whispered . " If you can 't make up your mind , let me make it up for you . For once , stop trying so hard to be in control , and see what happens if you let go . " He watched her , seeing in her expression her struggle to decide what to do . What happened next might change everything between them . From their previous relationship , they 'd formed a friendship , but Niko couldn 't leave it at that any longer . His feelings for her were too strong to accept mere friendship . Teaser Thursday - Love Like Vampires Author : admin By the time they went back inside , Shane was breathing easily and the tightness in his chest had let up . None of the arguments among the band had become too serious , at least not with their current lineup , but he was always afraid they might , and then everything would fall apart . He and Thaniel had been through it with five different guys already , guys who wanted to write songs that didn 't match the band 's style , or who were pissy because Thaniel let Shane have too much say in how the band ran . Good times . Shane hadn 't exactly enjoyed being treated crappy merely because he 'd finally had the guts to admit something most people had figured out years earlier . Having Thaniel not only accept it but defend him had helped . Right now , the band had it pretty good . Their current lineup gelled , and everyone agreed on musical style and where they wanted the band to go . Bryan and Jace were too laid back , and Todd was too busy , to care who ran things , as long as they didn 't have to . They all had about the same level of skills , and none of them gave a damn about each other 's sexuality . But something was broken . Shane couldn 't put his finger on it and didn 't really want to . He only knew the band wasn 't as connected as they had been , and that might mean Love Like Vampires would fall apart . He took another breath as he and Todd followed Thaniel to the area they 'd been assigned to hang out in during Jareth 's part of the show . The argument had ended . Everything was cool . Bryan and Jace were already in the designated spot , sipping bottles of water and talking to one of Jareth 's musicians . Both of them stood mostly still , mellow expressions on their faces . At least Jace wouldn 't get on anyone 's nerves for a while . " Ready for this ? " Bryan asked as they took their seats . " This is where we 're heading in a year or two if we keep it up . " " I sure as fuck hope so . " Thaniel slid down in his seat and grabbed a bottle from the cooler between his chair and Bryan 's . " Two albums and a ton of frigging shows , and we still aren 't hitting what we should be . " " We 'll get there . " Shane took the seat on the other side of Thaniel and mentally prepared the usual pep talk . Every single time they played a show , Thaniel ended up griping about what they should have been doing . From the second the guy had said , " Hey , we should start a band , " he 'd had plans . The plans hadn 't worked out yet , and it irked the hell out of Thaniel . Teaser Thursday - With Every Touch Author : admin Sheila nibbled at the bits of lobster in her sandwich and willed back her tears as lightning flashed outside the window beside her . She had left her hometown as soon as she had graduated university , twelve years earlier , and she hadn 't looked back since . She didn 't need to think about it now , and she definitely didn 't need to think about Jack , no matter how difficult it was to put him out of her mind . It was in the past now , and she wanted to focus on her present . She wasn 't even sure why she had brought it up to Erich . Part of her was surprised he hadn 't walked away . Most guys didn 't want to deal with a woman who 'd been damaged the way she had . She dismissed the thought immediately . Neither of them wanted a relationship , and she hoped to move to Boston soon . If she repeated that to herself enough times , it might get through . She couldn 't have Erich around her more than a friend would be . There was no point in even thinking about it . " Something hit a nerve . " He held out his hand . Although Sheila wanted the physical contact , she didn 't take it . It would only have given her comfort , which would have been a bad thing when she was so close to losing her cool and bursting into tears . Erich hesitated a moment before resting his hand on the table . " I don 't know if it was something I said or something you said . Either way , it happened while we were talking , and I want to help . " " I don 't want to spill my sordid past . " She twisted her mouth in something that felt close enough to a smile and took a sip of her soda . " No issue . Memories are crap sometimes , but the good thing is they 're in the past . I want to think about now . " " Well , right now there 's a hell of a thunderstorm going on outside . " A crash of thunder punctuated his words . " You 're not looking at the lightning . It 's pretty spectacular . " Sheila turned to the window just as a bolt of forked lightning shot from the clouds to the surface of the water . It was beautiful and exciting , and she couldn 't help smiling . " God , I love that ! I wish I was out there . " " Stop being reasonable . " She stuck out her tongue at him , and he laughed . So did she . Something about thunderstorms - the power , the electricity in the air , and the beauty of the lightning had always lifted her mood . Now she was able to dismiss the tears and memories . They couldn 't stand up to the crashing thunder and waves . She wanted to be outside . It was pouring hard enough that the water looked like sheets running down the window , and judging from how closely thunder followed on the heels of each lightning bolt , the storm was close to overhead . It didn 't matter . She needed to be outside . " I don 't know . I think I 'm a person - sexual . " Oliver had no other name for it . " I 've been really into guys , and I was really into Sophia before things crumbled . " " Okay . " Colin didn 't look any less confused . " So you aren 't going to tell your would - have - been in - laws that you sometimes like men ? " Colin grinned . " Okay . Well , now that you 're single , maybe we can see where that goes . Except you 're not staying in Sacramento , are you ? " " Not past the weekend . " Oliver sighed . Colin at least seemed interested in the possibility of getting something going , but it wasn 't enough to keep Oliver from going back to Boston . They weren 't together yet , and even if they had been , two days of knowing each other wasn 't enough to warrant him going through with his move . Especially when it would be so much easier to return to Massachusetts . " How do you feel about long distance ? " " I 'm a flight attendant . Every relationship I 've had has been long distance . " Colin hesitated . " We aren 't really talking relationship right now , are we ? You just broke off your engagement . I can tell you 're relieved about it , and to me it sounds like you and she weren 't really much more than friends in the first place . That doesn 't mean you should just jump right into something with someone you barely know . I like you too , and I 'm attracted to you . I won 't deny it . But I think you 're kind of on the rushing - things side right now . " " Yeah . " The barista called his order , and he went to the counter to get it , both disappointed and relieved . Colin was right . Oliver was so thrilled to be out of the tangle with Sophia he was ready to plunge into a relationship - or at least a bed - with someone he 'd just met . He had a feeling he and Colin would turn out to be pretty compatible , but he didn 't want to push his luck . He returned to the table and decided to just say what was on his mind . " Okay . I 'm attracted to you too . If you said right now that you wanted me to go back to your hotel room , I would , and damn sure wouldn 't say no to anything you suggested . " " That 's because you need to get laid . " Colin lowered his voice and gave Oliver a wicked grin . " We 'll see . Friends hook up sometimes . " He folded his arms over his chest . " Seriously , I won 't be your rebound , okay ? Let 's get to know each other . If it ends in bed , so be it . If it ends in more , it 's all good . I have no problem with long - distance friendships . " " Sounds good to me . " Oliver drank some of his coffee and tried not to seem too happy . He and Colin would be friends . At the moment , that would have to be enough . They chatted over coffee about their jobs and interests and parted after a while so Oliver could go back to the condo and make the calls necessary for his return to Boston . He didn 't actually want to leave Colin . He could have made the calls just as easily from Colin 's hotel room . But it was better to leave . He was free to lust after whomever he wanted , and right then he wanted Colin , but he didn 't want Colin to think he was only rebounding . Teaser Thursday - Stepping Stone Not Doormat Author : admin " It is what it is . " Navon didn 't know whether to sit or stay on his feet . The one thing he could be certain of was that Solara wouldn 't allow him to stay much longer . The guy hadn 't wanted him there in the first place . " Charlie ? " " I go by Solara Flare . My stage name and the name I prefer . And female pronouns . " Solara sighed . " Not that it matters , because once you walk out this door , you won 't be seeing me again . " " Why female pronouns ? " Navon asked the question before he could stop himself . It wasn 't any of his business how Solara chose to refer to him - herself . He didn 't need to know the reasons because Solara was probably right . They wouldn 't see each other again . That hurt like hell . Navon didn 't know what he 'd expected from this visit , but he 'd hoped his former lover would at least be happy to see him . He 'd believed that maybe after so long apart , Charlie would want to spend a little time with Navon before Navon returned to Los Angeles . Obviously he 'd underestimated the impact of the past on Solara . To Navon 's surprise , Solara answered . " I 've always asked for female pronouns when I 'm in drag . I use my drag name as a daily thing , so I carried the pronoun thing over as well . And it 's another layer of protection . A female named Solara didn 't seem as likely to be on certain people 's radar . " Mason 's radar . Navon had no doubt that was what Solara meant . Mason had always been pissed off if anyone referred to Charlie by his drag name or used female pronouns or even terms like " girl " or " bitch . " The jackass had been adamant that the " woman shit " remain only onstage or during other appearances and not cross into Charlie 's regular life at all . " If you 're going to give me what you brought , better do it now , " Solara said . " Nice to see you , nice to fuck you . Now get out . Please . " " It is what it is , " Solara said with a slight note of sarcasm . " Just like I always say . You asked why I never told anyone ? I tried . That last time in the hospital . They laughed at me . Said he was so much smaller that I should have been able to ' take him ' in a fight . A gay man hammers the shit out of another gay man , and no one cares . Especially if the one doing the hammering is smaller . I knew that . I wouldn 't have said a damn thing if they hadn 't recognized the injuries as an assault and told me to report who did it . " Navon pressed his lips together and focused on opening the backpack . It was bad enough he 'd wanted to kill Mason when he 'd found out about the beating . Now he had a whole list of others to hate . Everyone who had let Solara down . Teaser Thursday - Last Chance Tattoo Author : admin Dorsey still hadn 't gotten Rad 's number , and he wanted to kick himself for it . The last time he 'd heard anything from Rad was Friday when they 'd gone their separate ways after lunch . Now , on Sunday afternoon , Dorsey was faced with a day off and no one to spend it with . It was no different from all the other days off he 'd had , but at the same time , everything was different . He had a friend now . Or something more . Whatever he and Rad were to each other , the one thing Dorsey knew for certain was he hoped for more time with Rad . Then again , Dorsey was only assuming Rad wanted to see him again . They had parted on Friday with an agreement to continue seeing each other , whatever that meant . Unfortunately , with no way to contact each other aside from Rad going to the shop , chances didn 't look good . By midmorning , Dorsey 's thoughts had spiraled into a dark mass of things he didn 't want to deal with . Part of him still felt as if he 'd been disloyal to Chester by messing around with Rad . Part of him wanted to go further with Rad . He 'd even gone to one of the department stores outside the city limits the day before to stock up on condoms and lube so next time Rad visited , they would be prepared . As he walked , it occurred to him that Kelly knew exactly how to get in touch with Rad . After all , he 'd put his contact information on the application . If Dorsey could figure out how to ask for it without sounding like a creep , he might be able to talk to Rad . That alone made the walk through a light , cold drizzle worth it . He wondered what Rad was doing . Going to church with his grandmother , possibly , though Rad didn 't strike Dorsey as the church - going type . More likely either job hunting or spending the day out of the rain . " No . You 're going to hire him ? " That would be great news for Rad . And for Dorsey , since he would be able to see Rad simply by going around the corner . " I am , but don 't tell him . " Kelly grinned . " I 'd pretty much already decided to , even before I interviewed him . But half the town knows I used to date his brother , so I can 't let it seem like I 'm playing favorites . " " Yeah . I understand . " Dorsey wondered whether Kelly knew what her brother had done to Rad and decided it would be better not to ask . It wasn 't his place to talk about it . Without thinking , Dorsey hurried out of the shop . Rad had already passed . Behind him , Kelly called a question , but he didn 't pay attention . He crossed the fortunately empty street . " Rad ! " Dorsey closed the few yards between them . The drizzle was turning into full - on rain , but he didn 't care . If Rad could stand it , so could he . " Hey . How 's it going ? " Rad shrugged . " Been better , been worse . I was going down to the lighthouse , except I 'm not sure walking out there is a good idea in the rain . " " Maybe , maybe not . " The lighthouse stood at the end of a half - mile or so causeway accessible only by foot . In three years , Dorsey had never taken the walk . The lighthouse was nice to look at from the shore . He saw no reason to go all the way out to it . " Probably not . " Rad sighed . " When I was a kid , I used to go out there all the time . Even in the summer , it was a quiet place . I could think . Not to mention get away from my brothers and everyone . Even though I wasn 't far away , I could pretend I was alone in the middle of the lake . I liked it . " Dorsey 's heart went out to the guy . From everything Rad had told him , his childhood had been pretty damn lonely . No one should have to be alone , especially with family around , but it sounded as if Rad truly had been . Teaser Thursday - I Should Tell You Author : admin Upstairs , he discovered to his relief that he 'd been right about his roommate . The place was completely dark and silent , exactly as Hunter liked it . He turned on the dim light over the kitchen stove , then proceeded to the living room at the other end of the apartment where he only had to open the curtains to let in enough light to see - thanks to Logan Airport , across a narrow strip of harbor on the other side of the train tracks . As he watched , a plane took off . The noise had seemed ridiculous when Hunter first moved in , but within a few weeks he 'd become accustomed to the planes and trains . The building had double - paned windows paid for by the agency that ran the airport , and though they did little to block the noise , they at least dulled it . And Hunter enjoyed watching the planes , especially at night . The lights that rose into the sky reminded him of possibilities . Right now , he was stuck living in this dump with the son of the building 's owners , who expected life to be handed to him and who spent most of his money partying . Right now , Hunter worked at an office with a tyrant boss , doing menial paperwork that almost put him to sleep . But his life would change someday . Someday he would take his money and buy a ticket on one of those planes . It wouldn 't even matter where he ended up . He could go anywhere . He heard a sound behind him and tensed . It was the smallest noise . He barely noticed it over the roar of the plane 's engine , but it was there . His heart pounded . He was in his home , and the only other person who could be there was Jack , unless the guy had brought someone in to spend the night . He was safe . " Don 't sneak up on me . " His voice came out as a croak , and he cleared his throat . " I mean it , Jack . Remember what happened last time . " Hunter let out a long breath and sagged against the frame of the glass door that led onto their tiny balcony . Of course it was only Jack . No one else could have entered the apartment . Even if someone had , it was unlikely they would try anything on Hunter . They might rob the place blind , but they wouldn 't be able to touch him . If they tried , he would fight them off . He 'd taken three years of Krav Maga before he 'd stopped because one of his classmates had become a little too interested in physical contact . " You okay ? " Jack 's slightly slurred voice sounded closer . He must have come through the kitchen instead of just getting a drink and going back to his room . " Didn 't mean to startle you . " " No problem . I 'm a bit on edge tonight . I 'll be going to bed in a few . " Hunter wasn 't sure he 'd be able to sleep , but he had to at least make the attempt . " Sorry , " Jack said . " Just got up for a drink . See you . " He shuffled back to the kitchen , and water ran a moment later . Teaser Thursday - With Every Touch Author : admin Erich couldn 't shake the feeling that Sheila shouldn 't have left . He should have kept her with him . She belonged with him . It was a completely stupid idea that he tried to ignore completely . They were friends . She had opened up to him in the restaurant , and doing so had hurt her . He wished he 'd tried to persuade her to tell him more , while at the same time knowing it would have been the worst thing he could do . He didn 't watch out the window as she went to her car and backed out of his driveway . He wouldn 't do something like that . It would have been creepy and stalkerish . After the sound of her car 's engine faded , he locked the door . With her towel , he mopped up the puddle where she 'd stood . He should have invited her into the house instead of making her stand by the door . I did invite her in . I said she could go into the bathroom to change out of her dress , I think . And I told her she could shower here . A flash of lightning brightened the room for a second , and Erich turned off the light . He didn 't need to leave it on . He knew his house , and he would probably just go to bed . Sleep would be the easiest way to shut off his brain . Someone had hurt Sheila in the past . Badly , judging from how she had acted when she 'd hinted about it . She 'd been close to tears . Her ex had controlled and stalked her , and had probably done worse . If it hadn 't been so far in the past , Erich would have wanted to kill the guy . She had trusted Erich enough to share her past . He doubted she did so with just anyone . He wasn 't sure how he had earned her trust , but he was honored by it . He wished he had asked her to stay longer . Their fucking on the beach in the rain had been hotter than anything he 'd ever done , but that wasn 't the only thing Erich wanted from Sheila . He had promised her they would only be friends . He wasn 't ready for a relationship . Neither was she . But after their quiet conversation in the restaurant and the rough , fast fuck outside , and taking care of her at home , he knew there was no way in hell he would be able to keep his feelings for her purely at a level of friendship . He was starting to fall for her . He might never let her know , but he couldn 't prevent himself from feeling it . With a gasp , Courtney put her hands out to break her fall . Her purse slipped from her shoulder . The man grabbed it and yanked . As adrenaline rushed through her , she screamed wordlessly , praying that someone would help her . A tall man , with dark brown hair pulled back in a ponytail and no expression on his face , stood beside her . The mugger looked up , fury in his eyes . " Stay out of it , man , " he snarled . The mugger turned to look , and the tall guy caught him in the jaw with his fist . Two other men , in the uniforms of MBTA police , hurried over . One grabbed the criminal . The other , the tall man . " He helped me , " Courtney protested . " Yeah , because he was trying to steal her purse . " The tall man should have been angry , Courtney thought , but his tone of voice didn 't change at all . " If you guys had been doing your job , I wouldn 't have had to step in . " Other than those things , she would just sit and wait for Micah 's call . She hadn 't been this nervous about a date since high school , and her nerves then had come from the knowledge that her stepsister would do something to mess it up for her . Now she had no reason to be nervous other than knowing that she was about to have her first date with a man who made her entire body tingle . Over the course of the morning and early afternoon , she made several trips down and up the stairs between her apartment and the building 's laundry room . Just for something to do , she 'd decided to wash all her bedding and everything she 'd worn even once since her last laundry foray . It didn 't amount to much , but the landlord had only sprung for an apartment - sized washer and dryer in the basement , shared among the tenants of the six units in the building , so it took a while for Reesa to finish all her laundry . During her final trip up the stairs , her cell phone , which she 'd shoved into the pocket of her cut - off shorts , rang . With her arms full of sheets , she couldn 't answer it , so she ran the last flight to her apartment and tossed the bedding onto the couch . By the time she managed to yank the phone from her pocket , she 'd missed the call . " I did , " he replied warmly . " I wanted to see what time you 'd be able to meet . And … " He cleared his throat . " My stupid car still won 't start . I 'm having it towed to the mechanic down the street . He said it won 't be ready ' til Monday at the earliest , though . So even though it 's highly irregular , I wondered if you 'd pick me up instead of the other way around . " Her cheeks ached from the grin which spread across her face , and she chuckled at " highly irregular . " " Sure , I 'd like that , " she replied casually . " Your place ? " " I don 't have a place , " he reminded her . " But yeah , please pick me up at my parents ' . I feel horrible about not being able to give you the full date experience , with me picking you up and handing you flowers and everything . I 'll crawl on my hands and knees if you want . " She laughed . " I don 't mind a bit . You don 't even need to crawl . So I assume we 're going somewhere other than your parents ' house ? " " Bringing a date to my parents ' would make me feel about fifteen years old , " he muttered . " Like I said , I want you to have the full date experience . Maybe I won 't be able to do the picking you up part , but I can still take you somewhere nice . Would you rather spend an afternoon walking in the park , or go somewhere for dinner ? " " You decide . " Reesa hated making decisions like that . When she 'd gone on dates before , she 'd always let the men decide where to take her . Micah 's parents ' deck looked like a nice , quiet place to sit and talk . With the trees surrounding it , it gave the sense of being in the country somewhere , even though it sat only a couple miles from the city . She wouldn 't have minded just hanging out with him there . She understood his point , though . So they 'd go somewhere . He 'd called it a date , which gave her a warm , fuzzy feeling . No wonder he didn 't want to just sit on the deck . Dates didn 't do that . Blog Right Column Demo This is default content to showcase the blog 's right sidebar column . Once you publish your first widget to this position , this sample content will be replaced by your widget . Copyright © 2017 Your Name . All rights reserved . |
I can 't remember how old I was at the time I seen it , perhaps five years old at most . I knew right away that there was something unusual about the film , something especially disturbing . I remember that the first time I seen it , I cried . I remember watching the film , glued in place in front of the television , not out of involvement but out of terror . Truth be told , it is a bloody scary film . Now before you groan and go to read something else , don 't worry , this isn 't a story of a haunted video tape . The film itself played out perfectly normally , as much as possible . Dorothy didn 't turn to the camera and start screaming while blood poured from her eyes , or anything stupid like that . I 'm not interested in telling you stupid stories like you 've read a hundred times before . I just want to tell you how I felt when I watched this video , and some of the strange things that it reminded me about . It 's a strange story and I really wonder quite what the producer , Paul Maslansky , was thinking at the time . I know that the power behind the film didn 't really rest with him ; instead it rested with the film 's director , Walter Murch . A specialist in sound and editing , Murch worked on editing for films like The Godfather and Apocalypse Now , but Return to Oz was his only venture into directing . I keep thinking that something may have happened to him during production of this film , maybe something that put him off directing any films from then onwards . But that 's just a guess . My mother got a copy of the film on VHS . I remember distinctly , because she also had a copy of the old Judy Garland musical version . She loved that film . I was somewhat less impressed with it . The sepia opening , for a child who was used to colour television , seemed boring to me . I didn 't care for the dancing and the witch didn 't impress me . All the sets looked just too false , and I found myself not appreciating the film . My mother , though , loved it . When I was an adult , she told me about Judy Garland 's drug addiction and her gradual fall from Hollywood grace , a story that felt equally tragic to anything on the silver screen . Return to Oz , however , wasn 't a sequel . In fact , the only thing that connected it to the musical version was the presence of Ruby Slippers , which were silver in the original book . But my mother was still excited to see it , so she had asked a friend to find her a copy of the film , and we had watched it . The film tells the story of Dorothy 's return to the wonderful Land of Oz . Or at least , it should be wonderful , but it really isn 't . But she 's desperate to go back , and when we first meet her in the film she is very depressed , miserable and lonely . The very first image we have in the film is her staring sadly into a dirty mirror , and before long her family take her to a hospital . At the hospital , which it transpires is more of an asylum ; Dorothy is introduced to a doctor . Keen to try out the newly - invented electric healing machine , the doctor introduces Dorothy to it , pointing out the machine 's features . " Here , " he explains , pointing to the voltage meter " Is its mouth . And here , " he explains , pointing to the switch that will send crackling shocks of electricity searing through the young girl 's skull , " is his nose . " She is escorted down into the bowels of the hospital , through tall and towering hallways , and locked within a barren , empty cell . That night , she is strapped to a hospital bed and , whilst the screams of other inmates echo through the hospital , is secured to the electric machine . A storm rages outside , and soon it knocks out the hospital 's power , during which Dorothy is rescued by another young girl . Together they flee into the river at the banks of the hospital , where they … I mean , Dorothy returns to the Land of Oz . She journeys there in the ruins of an old crate , floating down the river . That 's the way the story goes . But that 's not all that happens . In the old Wizard of Oz film , the one with Judy Garland , Dorothy 's house is plucked out of the farm by a hurricane . We all know that hurricanes don 't move people from one location and drop them , gently and carefully , down in another . If she had been a real person , caught in a small wooden farmhouse in the winds of a hurricane , Dorothy would have died . And maybe she did , and all the rest of the film was simply a hallucination within her fevered and frantic brain . No , that 's just a theory . In this film , in Return to Oz , Dorothy falls into the churning waters of the river , struggling to stay above its surface , her arms splashing , her mouth gasping for air . And then … And for a few moments , everything seems fine . Everything seems quite happy . She finds a talking chicken called Billina , who offers to travel with her on the way to the Emerald City . Along the way , she finds a tree which distributes lunchboxes , filled with ready - made sandwiches . It 's almost like everything may turn out alright once they get to the Emerald City , because then she 'll be able to get back to her farm . Her farm . Where she sat staring into the dirty mirror , her eyes heavy with despair . David Kehr of the Chicago Reader described this film as ' Bleak , creepy , and occasionally terrifying ' . You don 't want Dorothy to go home , not to the world full of doctors who want to rip the happiness from her , from the nurses who tie her down , from the towering hallways and electric machines with wide grinning mouths . Soon , Dorothy finds her old farm house , the one which she crashed in her previous visit to Oz . It sits in an overgrown forest . No cheery , dancing munchkins to be found here , only wild vines and twisted trees . Dorothy wipes the dust that has etched its way over the windows , trying to see inside . Then she finds the yellow brick road , only to realise that it has been uprooted , its bricks broken and shattered . The land she wanted to get back to is twisted , nightmarish and hostile . The old farm house . I grew up in a small village in the rural areas of Cornwall . We had farms around the landscape , and I could climb up one of the small gently sloping hills and look out into the horizon and see only fields of wheat for as far as it went . That was my Kansas . I think it was late summer when I found the old farm house . I 'd gone out to explore , despite my father 's instruction to stay in our house 's garden . I 'd hiked my way over the old crumbling stone wall that bordered our garden , and made my way into the fields , venturing as far as I could before the sun would set . I avoided the fields with the cows , great towering things , and the clouds above gradually began to grow dark and pendulous . I 'd gone further than I had before , keen to examine a small copse of trees in the distance that I 'd never been to before . It was there , down near the foot of the hill , that I 'd seen the old farm house for the first time . I 'd hurried down to the house and ran up to the windows . They were etched with dirt ; I could barely see anything through them . I stood up on my tip - toes , trying to look into them , and could only make out a brownish haze . I scrubbed the windows , and soon I was able to make out the inside of the house . It was in disarray , chairs tipped over and a table lying broken in the corner . I could make out a doorway leading into another room , but whatever lay through there was out of sight . It wasn 't the same house , the layout was different and the ruins inside it were different , but in and of itself the house was almost a perfect fit . It was like my own version of Dorothy 's ruined farmhouse , transported here not far from my home . I wanted to get inside . I don 't know why , perhaps simply because it was there or perhaps because I wanted to get further than Dorothy ever did in the film . I pried the window open , and crawled inside . It felt warm , as if the air itself was hot . There was a soft hum in the air , which I soon realised were coming from a few buzzing insects . It felt stuffy , as if the summer heat was magnified and made heavy . There were no lights , or if there were , the lights would not come on . The room was dyed a soft reddish - brown from the dust on the windows . I crept across the wooden floorboards , and sure enough they creaked beneath me . I looked into the doorway to the other room , and found it lead into a kitchen . Several items lay in the sink , cutlery and sharp edges . I started to feel sick . I didn 't want to be here . The air tasted wrong . There was a smell , something I 'd never smelt before but I knew it was bad . I turned to leave and wanted to run , but I heard a heavy sound at the doorway and knew it was a footstep . The figure stood in the doorway , a man stood blocking out the sunlight . He wore a thick heavy brown coat , the kind most farmers in the area would wear , but his beard was thick and mottled like wire wool . His hair hung in dense clumps and he stared at me with his eyes , sharp and brutal eyes with utterly intense hatred . He towered above me , a small child of about six years , this giant of a figure . He was holding something in his right hand , I couldn 't see what , only that it was sharp and pointed and stained with mud , had to be mud . The man opened his mouth and roared at me , his teeth crooked behind his mane - like beard , releasing every echo of the old broken house with his words , GET OUT ! ! I turned and ran out of the house , charging through the kitchen and pulling myself through the window and out into the field , I didn 't slow down for a second , I tripped and fell into the mud at the base of the window but I didn 't stop , I kept running . I didn 't look back , I ran over the field and through the trees , I was gasping for air and my legs hurt but I didn 't stop running , not until I got home . I didn 't notice it was dark and that the sun had set and that the dark of night had covered the village . I slammed the door shut , blocking out the man and the broken farmhouse forever . My father came downstairs when he heard me slam the door , and demanded to know where I had been and what I had been doing . I didn 't want to explain , I didn 't want to tell him , and so I lied . He demanded to know more ardently , telling me that it was late and that he knew I was lying . When I eventually did tell him , he marched me up to my bedroom and ordered me to lower my pants and lay over my bed , where he removed his belt and thrashed my butt until I was screaming and crying rampantly . He made me promise , on threat of the same punishment being delivered again , that I would not sneak into people 's houses again . I was still sore for most of the next day , and I had no idea until years later as to why he had grown so angry with me . When I did find out , it was in my teenage years . Our family had moved away from the village , into a small house in a large city . The change had been considerable , not just in terms of the building , but of the new lifestyle . It became impossible to avoid hearing about the world around us , and I no longer had my parent 's continual presence to shelter me from the information that you could find on the newspapers or the internet . It was on the evening news that I had seen the photograph of the man in the old farmhouse . The reporter explained that he had died in prison , serving his life sentence for the murder of four young children , all aged between four and nine years old . He had been arrested a month after my dad had taken his belt to me and made me promise not to venture into stranger 's houses again . In prison , he had committed suicide . The news didn 't say how . I later learned that he had broken off a sharp edge of his toothbrush and swallowed it , slicing open his throat . He choked to death on his own blood . When Dorothy arrived at the Emerald City , she finds all her friends . But they have been turned to stone . They stand around the ruins of the Emerald City , their bodies lifeless . The city is abandoned , with only their bodies left grey and stoic . The Emerald City is a mausoleum . But it 's not unoccupied . In one of the most terrifying moments of the film , we meet the living occupants of the city . It tumbles into view , moving on four legs , each leg ending in a screeching rusty wheel . At first we see its face as a black twisted mass of tissue and muscle , corrupted into a maniacal grimace , eyes peering out with a cold biting glare . Then it lifts its head up , revealing that the previous face was simply a false one , its true face hiding beneath . It laughs , " Come here ! " it rasps in a guttural scream . It laughs , and laughs . More of them appear . Three , four , a whole gang . Dorothy flees , and I would clutch my hands to my eyes , hoping to block them out and just make the nightmarish creatures go away . Dorothy finds , locked in an old chamber in the Emerald City , a mechanical guardian called Tic - Tok , who offers to protect her from the wheeled monsters . This creature has its own mechanical face , much like the one on the electric shock machine back in the hospital in Kansas . But it is Dorothy 's friend , and it fights off the wheelers and discovers that the City has been taken over by an evil witch called Mombi . Tic - Tok isn 't terrifying . He 's a friendly , amicable character . The same cannot be said for all of Dorothy 's friends , but we 'll get to that . First we need to talk about Mombi . I didn 't recognise her as a child , when I first watched the film , but Mombi was played by Jean Marsh , who also played the nurse that strapped Dorothy into her hospital bed at the start of the film , and who chased Dorothy into the river to meet her fate . She was , for five years , married to Jon Pertwee , the actor who famously portrayed the third incarnation of Doctor Who . And , perhaps more relevant to this story , played the character of Worzel Gummidge , a scarecrow who was brought to life . I mention the scarecrow , because Dorothy 's other companion is a prisoner of Mombi 's . When Mombi traps Dorothy in her tower , the young girl from Kansas meets one of Mombi 's failed experiments , Jack Pumpkinhead . Jack is a terrifying creature , taller than any adult actor in this film , with stick - thin limbs which seem to go on forever . It stands unsteadily on elongated legs , wearing a tattered old discoloured coat , its fingers ending in long reaching branches . Atop its neck sits a pumpkin in the place of a head . When the creature moves , it does so in sharp and sudden jerks , pulling its hands along as if they were alien parts of its body . Its voice is sickly sweet , provided by Brian Henson . Brian Henson is the son of the famous Jim Henson , and is now chairman of the Jim Henson Company . His voice is certainly the softest part of an otherwise terrifying creature . If you 've ever seen The Nightmare before Christmas , you may find some very interesting similarities with the film 's lead character . And at several points throughout the film , Jack 's limbs will break and fall apart , having to be bound back in place with rope . Dorothy 's only way to escape from Mombi 's tower is to steal the powder of life , which the witch used to bring the pumpkin - headed creature to life . She stores the powder in a glass cabinet , along with her spare heads . Yes , Mombi has a collection of heads . She changes them to fit her mood . They sit in the cabinets , looking for all purpose to be asleep , but each head is very much alive . That night , when Dorothy attempts to steal the powder of life from the cabinet , she accidently awakens one of the disembodied heads . Its eyes snap awake , and in a raspy voice it screams the girl 's name , DOROTHY GALE The other heads awake and start to scream . They scream , and screamed , and screamed . Their echoing cries woke the witch herself , who rose from her bed , nightgown flowing like a spectre , the space on her shoulders where her head should be utterly vacant , a headless figure stumbling towards the young girl , arms outstretched , all the while her heads screamed in terrible unison . We 'd been in the city for a year . I 'd been enrolled in a new school . It was far larger than I was accustomed to , and some of the boys at the start of the year had been brutally mocking . I was labelled as a farm boy , and treated as an outsider . Over the course of the months , though , they had forgotten about my difference , and soon I was simply one of the other school kids . I 'd seen him in the school yard . I didn 't know his name , but he was a bright kid with a splash of sunlight blonde hair . I think he must have been about eleven years old , but to my young eyes he could have been older by an infinite number of years . He was a Big Kid . As a Big Kid , I tried to avoid him , because he and his friends were loud and boisterous . He was in the upper years of school , and as a result he didn 't have to wear his uniform . None of the upper years did , and so the Big Kid would wear whatever he wanted , usually a white t - shirt and jeans . I don 't think he 'd ever spoken to me . I barely even noticed him . But because of what happened , I remembered him . It was summer . I was off school , during the start of the summer holidays . It couldn 't have been more than a week since school had stopped , and it was still a few more weeks before we were due to head away to the seaside to spend our holiday in the sun . It was already a nice enough day , the sun was warm and there was a cool wind ( DOROTHY GALE ) in the air . My mother had taken me into the city centre earlier that day , as she had wanted to pick up a few items from the large post office , where packages were sorted . I was feeling rather sour , as my mother 's venture out to do the daily shopping had interrupted my time for watching morning cartoons . Nevertheless I had trudged along , on the promise that if I behaved we could rent out a film from the video rental store that evening . It had been a long time since we had rented out Return To Oz , and the film had faded from my memory . I was excited . I was keen to see what we could find in the dark little video rental store . My mother was already certain that she wanted to rent out the Judy Garland musical version of Wizard of Oz , and relive her love of the classic . This was years before Blockbusters came here to England , and video rental stores were still small little stores owned by enterprising individuals looking to break into a new market . My mother parked the car just a few yards from the store , and we got out . The wind ( DOROTHY GALE ) was starting to pick up , and it was starting to feel a little cold . I grabbed my coat from the back seat of the car , and pulled it on . My mother looked over to me , and said " I 'm going to pop into the bakery for a moment " . The bakery , I should mention , was on the street corner , two stores from the video rental shop , with a small barber shop between the two . " Wait here " . She indicated to the front of the video store . I waited . I wasn 't going to argue , and I certainly wasn 't going to disobey . The promise of watching a new film that evening was enough to ensure that . I waited for what felt like an age , but I 'm sure was no more than a minute , when I heard the shouts from the other side of the street . I looked over . It was the Big Kid , in his white t - shirt and jeans , his bright blonde hair shining especially bright in the summer sun . He was on a bicycle , along with three other friends . I recognised all of them from school , but just like the Big Kid , I didn 't know their names . They were shouting to each other , circling around on their bikes , doing small tricks . One of the Big Kid 's friends would make his bike hop , back and forth . Another would swerve his front wheel , standing up tall on the peddles . The road was quiet . After about a minute , the group moved into the road , riding around the parked cars . It was a peaceful morning , about eleven o ' clock , and the boys were cheering . One of them made his bike hop up onto the pavement , spinning the handlebars around as he did so . Not a single other sound broke the summer day . I watched the Big Kid and his friend doing their tricks for a moment , and then turned to look at the window of the video rental store . The window was full of posters , and I was curious to see what films they were advertising . I looked from one to another , barely noticing when the sunlight dimmed somewhat as a cloud passed in front of the sun . The next light brush of wind ( DOROTHY GALE ) felt a bit colder , so I wrapped my arms around myself and waited for my mother , when I heard one of the Big Kids friends cry out . The truck must have taken the turn on the road too fast . I didn 't see it turn , but when I heard the cry I turned to look and seen it tearing down the road . It was a huge truck , massive , towering and ferocious . Its carriage smashed into one of the cars on the far side of the road . The boys in the street started to turn and run , panic in their steps . One dropped his bike and ran on his feet instead , the scream of the truck 's brakes suffocating his own scream . The Big Kid didn 't move . I don 't know why he didn 't move at the time , I realise now that he was rooted to his spot by fear . His shirt whistled around him as he stared at the truck , eyes wide , mouth open , a scream echoing from his mouth . He tried to raise his hands to cover his face , as if his thin arms would defend him from the monolithic ten - wheeled truck that was charging out of control towards him . He was screaming , and screaming , and screaming . The truck bore down the street , and even though it was almost thirty foot from where I was standing , I felt the air hit me in a hard gust ( DOROTHY GALE ) as it charged down on the Big Kid . The truck didn 't even collide with him , it simply poured over where he stood , his body buckling underneath it , folding like it was made of paper . His head , at the height of the top of the wheels , was tore free . There wasn 't much blood , but the force of the truck colliding with the Big Kid ripped the boy 's head from his shoulders and sent it hurtling across the road . The Big Kid 's head struck the road , and suddenly it was nothing more than a hunk of meat , like a prop in a movie . I wasn 't screaming . I couldn 't . My throat simply wouldn 't make any sound , except for a series of wheezing gasps as I tried to pull enough air into my lungs . I couldn 't scream because I couldn 't breathe . But there was screaming in the air ( DOROTHY GALE ) and I couldn 't figure out who was screaming . Then I realised . It was the head . The Big Kit 's head , swaying lightly as it lay on the side of the road , in the gutter , emptying his last sounds from the ruin of his throat , an awful scream that rattled from the severed neck , just for a few short seconds . The truck had stopped where it was , its brakes bringing it to a stop all - too - late , but beneath its wheels the Big Kid 's body twitched for a few moments more , his arms playing out the last moments of his muscle memory as he tries to feel around in the empty air above his shoulders . The witch kept a collection of heads . She changed them and would wear a different one depending on her mood . And after a few short , terrible seconds the movements ceased , the screaming stopped . The Big Kid , who had less than a minute before been a living person , was rendered into pieces of unmoving matter . Human meat , broken apart and empty . My mother ran from the bakery over to me and pulled me out of the way ; hoping that moving me out of the scene would push what I 'd seen from my mind . But it wouldn 't work . I closed my eyes , but the image didn 't go away . I could still see the Big Kid 's head , the side of his face ripped and caved inwards like a dessert bowl , his eyes in the wrong place and his mouth open as he let fall the last echoes of his scream . Dorothy , of course , had fled from the witch 's twitching , lurching body and her collection of screeching heads . She had run away and escaped the horrors . I wasn 't quite so lucky . Some things , I couldn 't escape from . They would hold me in place and exist in the space between the blinking of my eyes . With the powder of life , Dorothy was able to throw together a mass of assorted items in the witch 's tower , a sofa and a moose 's head and other random junk , and brought it to life . Creating an assorted mish - mash of a creature . It was called the Gump and , like Jack Pumpkinhead , was a jumbled homunculus of items . Dorothy flew away on the winged Gump , flying across the deadly desert . The deadly desert . A mass of sand at the border of Oz which , if you so much as touched the sand , would cause you to turn into sand yourself . Several of the wheelers pursued Dorothy , and when their wheels touched the sand , they collapsed . Their bodies yellowed , cracked and fell apart , their bodies sifting in the wind , the lines and curves of their faces shattering and breaking apart . The Gump rips apart in the air , its wings breaking and Dorothy and her friends crash - land onto the mountain of the Nome King . A sinister creature formed of living rock , the Nome King was played with austere and stern decorum by Nicol Williamson , a Scottish actor who forged his way through many respected Shakespeare roles on stage and screen , before his death in 2011 . Williamson also played the doctor , from the hospital back in Kansas . That both the sinister doctor and his beastly assistant had been incarnated in Oz , actors and all , makes me all the more sure that the dark and sinister Oz of this film is but a flash in Dorothy 's memory as she drowns in the river during that storm . No . She doesn 't drown . No matter how many times I try to remind myself of the story , I keep thinking that she drowned . I 've seen the film many times as an adult , and yet each time I watch it I find myself thinking as she falls into the churning waters of the river , " It is here at this point that she drowns " . I know in my conscious mind that she doesn 't . But each time I think back on this film , I remember Dorothy slipping beneath the thrashing waves , her skin wet and cold , gasping for air , drowning beneath the weight of the water . No . Dorothy does not drown . That 's not the story in the film . I keep remembering the film differently , I keep thinking that she drowns , but she doesn 't . She doesn 't drown . Dorothy does not drown . She goes to Oz and rescues her friends , who have been captured by the Nome King . She goes into the Nome King 's treasure chamber , where he has turned all of her friends into ornaments , and she brings them back to life . She , little Fairuza Balk in her first film role ( she didn 't drown she went on to be Stacey in American History X she didn 't drown ) She brings them all back to the Emerald City . And the Nome King … The evil witch , Mombi , she is captured by the heroes . But the Nome King dies . Dorothy 's companion , the talking chicken called Billina , drops an egg into the Nome King 's mouth . The Nome King , at this point in the film having become a gigantic creation of living rock , gags and chokes . He rasps the words " Eggs … poison … " and crumbles . His entire body breaks apart , slowly . Chunks of rock falling away , taking his face with it . Eggs , poison . Eggs , of course , are not poison . In the film , they are only poisonous to the Nome King . I never did understand why , and when I was a child I didn 't even realise that it was a condition purely to the Nome King and not something that would affect any of the other characters , human or otherwise . The statement was simply a proclamation , a warning . Eggs , poison . Whilst his face turned to rock , churned , boiled , and fell apart like pebbles . Poison . My mother served me a plate of scrambled eggs for lunch . This was two weeks before we moved to the city , away from our village home . I had lived in a small village for my entire life ; we had no more than thirty buildings and a single main street with its local shop , pub , school house and church . Surrounded as we were by farmland , a large number of our local produce was agricultural . Local beef , pork , and eggs . I pushed the plate away . " Not hungry ? " asked my mother . I shook my head . Poison . I found the nest during summer . It was hidden in the roots of an old oak tree , near the back of the church hall . It had been built by some of the stray chickens , who had nestled down amongst the gnarled and twisted old roots of the rotting tree . I 'd found it one morning , whilst on my way to school . It had been raining the night before , and my rubber wellington boots were flecked with mud . It was the sound I heard first , a bleating cry . I stepped through the soggy grass and leaned closer , peering through the shadows of the old tree roots . The nest was wet and full of dirt . Two chicken eggs sat in the dirt , their surfaces glistening from the rain . The third egg lay in pieces . Bits of its shell hung like a deflated balloon . The infant chicken had been born too early , it was premature and half formed . Its body looked like a wet mess of string . It 's skin was oily and black , and seemed to be made of muscle fibre . Its head was too big for its neck , and hung limply to one side , its eyes open far too wide . It was twitching as if on a string , trying to breathe , struggling to live . The rest of it was only partly there . It was a premature birth , a foetus of a creature more muscle and tissue than life . Its egg had cracked and spilled the chick into the world , rejecting it . Poison . We didn 't have a cafeteria at school . It was too small a building . Instead , the local store would send a van to the back of the schoolhouse , where the teachers would collect our meals and bring them into the gym hall , which also doubled as the auditorium , despite it being significantly too small to qualify as one . We sat and ate our lunches , those who got our lunches from the school van and those who brought a packed lunch together . My mother had made me some ham sandwiches , with the crusts cut neatly off . I sat with three other kids from my class . Chris was a keen football fan , and would usually rush through his lunch in order to finish early so that he could hurry into the yard and kick a ball around for a while . Josh was a quiet , bookish sort who had long black hair and a set of strong braces which shone each time he smiled . And then there was Gary , who didn 't speak much , but followed the rest of us around quite eagerly . I chewed on my sandwich for a while , not really speaking . Chris was talking eagerly , about the football match that he 'd watched on the television last night . I didn 't care about football , and his descriptions of kicks and goals seemed almost like an alien language to me . He took a bite out of his sandwich , and continued to talk , spraying bits of food as he did so . I turned to Josh , wanting to tell him about the nest that I 'd found . I told him about the chick , laying squirming in the muddy ground gasping for life . Josh shook his head , " All chickens are little when they 're born " he said . I tried to explain that it wasn 't simply a baby chick , that it was half - formed and dying , but I was only a child and wouldn 't form the description properly . At best I could explain that it had been ' born wrong ' . Chris took another bite out of his sandwich , and made a soft coughing sound . Josh said that maybe a fox had found the nest and was eating some of the eggs , and that maybe it had left the dead chick behind . I tried to explain that this might be possible , when Chris coughed again . I turned to look at him . His face looked wrong , brighter , and puffier . He coughed again and again , louder , and began to motion towards his throat . A few other kids from nearby turned and noticed , as Chris ' coughing became more insistent . He dropped his sandwich , one he had got from the lunch van . It fell open , the slices of bread separating to show the creamy white shade of its contents , egg mayonnaise . Chris tried to stand up , but couldn 't , tripping as he did so . Josh rushed forward , trying to slap him on the back . " Help ! " he shouted . Chris was clasping at his throat now , his face flushing from a pale red to a deeper , more blood - like shade . He was growing frantic , and began to panic . He was wheezing for air , the breath trying desperately to fill his lungs . But he couldn 't , and without any air he would ( drown ) choke to death . But that wasn 't right , that wasn 't what was killing him . I knew what was killing him , it was the poison . The eggs in the sandwich . The teacher was running over , but Chris had fallen to the floor at this point , his rasping gasps for air filling the small hall . He twitched , thrashing for air , his skin turning a darker shade of red , and I thought about the chick which was doing the very same . I grabbed the teacher 's arm , " It 's the eggs " I said , insistently , my eyes stinging as I felt tears in them , " The eggs . They 're poisoned . " I still don 't think the film is cursed . The whole cursed movie thing doesn 't work , not in reality . It may have been the director 's only movie , but that doesn 't mean anything about it was unusual . I don 't think the video I watched was haunted . No , this definitely wasn 't the movie that was haunted . It was me . By the time she goes back to Kansas , Dorothy 's journey is over . She has found the rightful heir to the throne of Oz , and helped her reclaim the world . We learn that the hospital burned to the ground during the storm . The doctor died in the fire . Burned to death . The Nome King died , so did the doctor . Both characters , both played by the same actor , met the same fate . But Dorothy was home , and she was wiser and more confident now , her sadness was gone . She could carry the memory of Oz with her forever . I stood on the road where the truck had struck and killed the blonde - haired kid . This was about a month ago . I was in the city for business . I had just finished a new project , the shooting of a new film . When I was twelve , I watched a movie called Cinema Paradiso , a classic of modern Italian movies . It follows the story of a man who grows up in a small village , and to who the local cinema has a major impact on his life . He goes on to grow up to become a respected film director . There are similarities between our lives . When I had finished my fifth feature film , I 'd begun to wonder just what kind of influence the films I had watched as a child had on me . How they had shaped me into who I was . The character in Cinema Paradiso is bolstered by these ; they give him strength and a means of escape . For me , there was one film that terrified me . And that 's what brought me back to the street where the Big Kid had died in the truck accident . It was only coincidence that had brought me here . I had two weeks to go until editing would begin on the film , and I needed a break . A way to clear my head . The editing was due to take place in our main studio , but by sheer coincidence my hotel wasn 't too far from where the truck accident had occurred . That evening , I walked to the street . I thought it would maybe look the same . I didn 't really know what I hoped to find . I didn 't want to drown out my memories , maybe I just wanted to see them one last time , in order to say goodbye . The video rental store was long since gone . The bakery was still there , though . The young man behind the counter told me that he couldn 't remember a video rental store being there on the street ever since he had moved to the city , some seven years ago . Time had changed . I had expected to still see the marks of the tires from the truck in the road . I didn 't . No black scorch of burned rubber , and no dash of blood in the gutter where the head had landed . The city had changed . It had moved on . Only my memory remained . My home village in Cornwall had changed perhaps more drastically . I drove there in my white Sedan , and when I pulled up into the village 's main street , I realised that time had ravaged the place far worse than any hurricane could . I was determined not to let the weight of time dissuade me from what I intended to do , though . I parked my car and looked around . I tasted the air , and looked around . I had drove through the smooth hills , which were once full of wheat , but were now empty . My Kansas was gone . The air tasted different . This , I thought , was my own return to Oz . The post office was shut ; it had closed many years before . The small corner shop was now a Safeway , and even so it was a small one with only a single check - out . I went into the local pub , which I had never done when I was a child here . The man behind the bar barely took notice of me . All around me , the people seemed old , as if history had chewed on them and left their wrinkled faces gnawed . I didn 't see any children here . The bartender told me that there weren 't really any young families around here anymore . No work around here , it seemed . Only the old people who had once worked the farms , waiting for the dust of the earth to reclaim them . Being in the village was painful . I felt like a relic , something that the past had forgotten . Time had moved on . I had moved on . The village had not . It had struggled , it had lost . I didn 't want to stay for too long . I knew I wanted to make this quick , before being here became too painful , before the ghosts of my memories began to hurt me . I left the pub , and started on my walk . The school was the closest , so I went there first . It was a poor decision . The building itself was barren . The sign at the front , with the school 's name that had once been boldly etched on it , had been taken down . The building was abandoned . Without children to teach , there was no use of the school any more . I learned from the man who owned the local pub that the hall , where Chris had choked on the broken piece of egg shell so many years before , was still occasionally used for village meetings . But the classrooms had long since been abandoned . I walked around the building , peering into the rooms . They were all barren , emptied of furniture . No desks , no chairs . One held an old blackboard , its surface covered with dust . When I got to the church , I realised before I even before I stepped into the yard that the old oak tree was long gone . I found an old priest with a shock of dirty white hair tending the front of the church . When I asked him about the tree , he told me that it had caught a disease several years before and was cut down . I walked into the yard , and sure enough , found the dry old patch of ground where the tree once stood . The ground felt harder than the soil surrounding it , and rose in a steady lump , like a despoiled grave . The old farm house had been demolished . It had been concreted over , as if to prevent anyone else from building there . At the foot of the hill , a large square patch of grey concrete was almost lost amongst the tall grass . I almost stumbled across it , because the years had pushed the details of the location from my mind . When I found the patch of concrete , I half expected to find a small plaque as well . Perhaps a dedication to the four children who had been murdered and buried there . There wasn 't one . The concrete itself was cracked and old by then , with bits of weeds and long grass peeking its way through like nature 's own fingertips . It was almost , I thought , like the world wants to forget . I felt tired . The journey had been painful , bittersweet . I felt that I had made my homecoming , and felt the sadness that it would bring . I wanted to leave , soon . The memories were too strong , ones that were so powerful for me but that the rest of the world had done its best to forget . I had made my journey . Or so I thought . But I wasn 't yet done . I don 't know what brought me there ; I had no idea what guided my steps . I 'd forgotten that the village had a river . In the daylight , I thought , the river might look beautiful . But with the sun starting to dye the sky red and slip down towards the horizon , made the undercurrents of the water look dark . My feet had brought me here , almost unbidden , as if I was following a trail that was laid out for me a long time ago . This is where my broken , ruined yellow brick road leads me . I didn 't remember it all at once . The images came first . Her face , with her eyes wide in terror , the water splashing over her skin and making it glisten , her mouth full and unable to take in enough air , her short black hair slick against her scalp and in utter disarray . The water kept washing over her face , the dark cloak of the current covering her for a few fleeting moments before she broke the surface again , only to dip back into its icy embrace again . I was on the bank of the river . I was clasping onto her arm . But it was cold on a winter 's night , and her coat was too wet , and I was wearing gloves , and she kept slipping . I couldn 't hold on . I couldn 't get a good grip . I wasn 't strong enough . I was only six years old , and she was four , and the river had her . The river held her in its grip and the water was like fingers and it had a better grip on her than I ever could . She was crying , shouting for me to help , the water was weighing her down and stopping her words from escaping . She was drowning , and I was panicking . I was meant to look after her . She was my sister , and I was her big brother , and I was meant to protect her . I was meant to look after her . And she was drowning . She had fallen in and hit the water with a splash , and that splash was so loud that it had broken the world . Maybe not forgotten , I think my mind had forced the memory out . It knew I couldn 't cope with it , not when I was just a little boy . I remember my parents and their tears and the ambulance that was called and my parents telling me over and over that it wasn 't my fault . But it was . I was still that little boy who had made himself forget that he was standing on the riverbank , clutching onto the girl 's arm as she was drowning . This , I realised , was why I had come here . I needed to make myself remember . I had to find the source of my fear . Remember what it was that had kept this moment from my mind . She drowned . In the river , she drowned . I hadn 't remembered it , I 'd made myself forget . And that memory had seeped out into the movie . That , I realised , was my secret . I 'd kept it all locked up inside me , but the memory had found a way . My little sister 's ghost wouldn 't be forgotten . Each time I thought of that damnable movie , each time I tried to remember Return to Oz , I remembered Dorothy Gale drowning in the river . But it wasn 't Dorothy , it had never been Dorothy . It had been my little sister . And she was my ghost . Not some sinister , skulking figure that thirsted for revenge . But she had been there , always , in my shadows . Haunting me , until I made my own journey into the past , made my own return to Oz . That film was important to me , I knew it now . I 'd never be free from it . Even when I tried to say goodbye , when I spoke my lost little sister 's name on that riverbank , I knew that she would follow me forever . I couldn 't leave her behind ; I couldn 't lock her away again . Return to Oz bound us together forever . The ending , more tragic than creepy , tied the whole thing together . Not very many passages that I read have an air of finality , as this one had . I enjoyed the reading , and , if the ending was real , I am sorry for your loss 🙁 🙁 🙁 . If not , then I also apologize for me being gullible . Wow . What an outstanding build up . It is hard to keep attention for this long in these things but the structure really did it . Somewhere in the middle the settings get very confusing but by the end of it , it 's clear . The only thing I noticed was either a typo error or inconsistency with the narrator 's age throughout the changing storyline . All of it was worth it . Every second . I rate this story 5 stars . It all makes sense and I LOVE the concept . Everything flows smoothly , and you managed to connect every piece of the story . Great job , I hope you keep writing more . Wow I almost cried at this ending , you did an amazing job tying this all together . Not going to lie , I was kind of skeptical about this story half way through but holy shit I did not expect the ending and it blew me away . Totally worth the read , you deserve five stars * * * * * Sometimes returning to Kansas is the hardest part of a Return To Oz . Certainly one of the best pastas I have read if not the best . Not sure if all or even any of it is true and I kinda like that as well because I know if it 's not it very well could be . Please continue your literary creations . awesome . Tornado … I quit reading at the point you called the tornado a hurricane . I love the wizard of oz and was looking forward to your pasta … . but just couldn 't go farther . Please fix thanks . I can 't remember how old I was at the time I seen it , perhaps five years old at most . I knew right away that there was something unusual about the film , something especially disturbing . I remember that the first time I seen it , I cried . I remember watching the film , glued in place in front of the television , not out of involvement but out of terror . Truth be told , it is a bloody scary film . Now before you groan and go to read something else , don 't worry , this isn 't a story of a haunted video tape . The film itself played out perfectly normally , as much as possible . Dorothy didn 't turn to the camera and start screaming while blood poured from her eyes , or anything stupid like that . I 'm not interested in telling you stupid stories like you 've read a hundred times before . I just want to tell you how I felt when I watched this video , and some of the strange things that it reminded me about . It 's a strange story and I really wonder quite what the producer , Paul Maslansky , was thinking at the time . I know that the power behind the film didn 't really rest with him ; instead it rested with the film 's director , Walter Murch . A specialist in sound and editing , Murch worked on editing for films like The Godfather and Apocalypse Now , but Return to Oz was his only venture into directing . I keep thinking that something may have happened to him during production of this film , maybe something that put him off directing any films from then onwards . But that 's just a guess . My mother got a copy of the film on VHS . I remember distinctly , because she also had a copy of the old Judy Garland musical version . She loved that film . I was somewhat less impressed with it . The sepia opening , for a child who was used to colour television , seemed boring to me . I didn 't care for the dancing and the witch didn 't impress me . All the sets looked just too false , and I found myself not appreciating the film . My mother , though , loved it . When I was an adult , she told me about Judy Garland 's drug addiction and her gradual fall from Hollywood grace , a story that felt equally tragic to anything on the silver screen . Return to Oz , however , wasn 't a sequel . In fact , the only thing that connected it to the musical version was the presence of Ruby Slippers , which were silver in the original book . But my mother was still excited to see it , so she had asked a friend to find her a copy of the film , and we had watched it . The film tells the story of Dorothy 's return to the wonderful Land of Oz . Or at least , it should be wonderful , but it really isn 't . But she 's desperate to go back , and when we first meet her in the film she is very depressed , miserable and lonely . The very first image we have in the film is her staring sadly into a dirty mirror , and before long her family take her to a hospital . At the hospital , which it transpires is more of an asylum ; Dorothy is introduced to a doctor . Keen to try out the newly - invented electric healing machine , the doctor introduces Dorothy to it , pointing out the machine 's features . " Here , " he explains , pointing to the voltage meter " Is its mouth . And here , " he explains , pointing to the switch that will send crackling shocks of electricity searing through the young girl 's skull , " is his nose . " She is escorted down into the bowels of the hospital , through tall and towering hallways , and locked within a barren , empty cell . That night , she is strapped to a hospital bed and , whilst the screams of other inmates echo through the hospital , is secured to the electric machine . A storm rages outside , and soon it knocks out the hospital 's power , during which Dorothy is rescued by another young girl . Together they flee into the river at the banks of the hospital , where they … I mean , Dorothy returns to the Land of Oz . She journeys there in the ruins of an old crate , floating down the river . That 's the way the story goes . But that 's not all that happens . In the old Wizard of Oz film , the one with Judy Garland , Dorothy 's house is plucked out of the farm by a hurricane . We all know that hurricanes don 't move people from one location and drop them , gently and carefully , down in another . If she had been a real person , caught in a small wooden farmhouse in the winds of a hurricane , Dorothy would have died . And maybe she did , and all the rest of the film was simply a hallucination within her fevered and frantic brain . No , that 's just a theory . In this film , in Return to Oz , Dorothy falls into the churning waters of the river , struggling to stay above its surface , her arms splashing , her mouth gasping for air . And then … And for a few moments , everything seems fine . Everything seems quite happy . She finds a talking chicken called Billina , who offers to travel with her on the way to the Emerald City . Along the way , she finds a tree which distributes lunchboxes , filled with ready - made sandwiches . It 's almost like everything may turn out alright once they get to the Emerald City , because then she 'll be able to get back to her farm . Her farm . Where she sat staring into the dirty mirror , her eyes heavy with despair . David Kehr of the Chicago Reader described this film as ' Bleak , creepy , and occasionally terrifying ' . You don 't want Dorothy to go home , not to the world full of doctors who want to rip the happiness from her , from the nurses who tie her down , from the towering hallways and electric machines with wide grinning mouths . Soon , Dorothy finds her old farm house , the one which she crashed in her previous visit to Oz . It sits in an overgrown forest . No cheery , dancing munchkins to be found here , only wild vines and twisted trees . Dorothy wipes the dust that has etched its way over the windows , trying to see inside . Then she finds the yellow brick road , only to realise that it has been uprooted , its bricks broken and shattered . The land she wanted to get back to is twisted , nightmarish and hostile . The old farm house . I grew up in a small village in the rural areas of Cornwall . We had farms around the landscape , and I could climb up one of the small gently sloping hills and look out into the horizon and see only fields of wheat for as far as it went . That was my Kansas . I think it was late summer when I found the old farm house . I 'd gone out to explore , despite my father 's instruction to stay in our house 's garden . I 'd hiked my way over the old crumbling stone wall that bordered our garden , and made my way into the fields , venturing as far as I could before the sun would set . I avoided the fields with the cows , great towering things , and the clouds above gradually began to grow dark and pendulous . I 'd gone further than I had before , keen to examine a small copse of trees in the distance that I 'd never been to before . It was there , down near the foot of the hill , that I 'd seen the old farm house for the first time . I 'd hurried down to the house and ran up to the windows . They were etched with dirt ; I could barely see anything through them . I stood up on my tip - toes , trying to look into them , and could only make out a brownish haze . I scrubbed the windows , and soon I was able to make out the inside of the house . It was in disarray , chairs tipped over and a table lying broken in the corner . I could make out a doorway leading into another room , but whatever lay through there was out of sight . It wasn 't the same house , the layout was different and the ruins inside it were different , but in and of itself the house was almost a perfect fit . It was like my own version of Dorothy 's ruined farmhouse , transported here not far from my home . I wanted to get inside . I don 't know why , perhaps simply because it was there or perhaps because I wanted to get further than Dorothy ever did in the film . I pried the window open , and crawled inside . It felt warm , as if the air itself was hot . There was a soft hum in the air , which I soon realised were coming from a few buzzing insects . It felt stuffy , as if the summer heat was magnified and made heavy . There were no lights , or if there were , the lights would not come on . The room was dyed a soft reddish - brown from the dust on the windows . I crept across the wooden floorboards , and sure enough they creaked beneath me . I looked into the doorway to the other room , and found it lead into a kitchen . Several items lay in the sink , cutlery and sharp edges . I started to feel sick . I didn 't want to be here . The air tasted wrong . There was a smell , something I 'd never smelt before but I knew it was bad . I turned to leave and wanted to run , but I heard a heavy sound at the doorway and knew it was a footstep . The figure stood in the doorway , a man stood blocking out the sunlight . He wore a thick heavy brown coat , the kind most farmers in the area would wear , but his beard was thick and mottled like wire wool . His hair hung in dense clumps and he stared at me with his eyes , sharp and brutal eyes with utterly intense hatred . He towered above me , a small child of about six years , this giant of a figure . He was holding something in his right hand , I couldn 't see what , only that it was sharp and pointed and stained with mud , had to be mud . The man opened his mouth and roared at me , his teeth crooked behind his mane - like beard , releasing every echo of the old broken house with his words , GET OUT ! ! I turned and ran out of the house , charging through the kitchen and pulling myself through the window and out into the field , I didn 't slow down for a second , I tripped and fell into the mud at the base of the window but I didn 't stop , I kept running . I didn 't look back , I ran over the field and through the trees , I was gasping for air and my legs hurt but I didn 't stop running , not until I got home . I didn 't notice it was dark and that the sun had set and that the dark of night had covered the village . I slammed the door shut , blocking out the man and the broken farmhouse forever . My father came downstairs when he heard me slam the door , and demanded to know where I had been and what I had been doing . I didn 't want to explain , I didn 't want to tell him , and so I lied . He demanded to know more ardently , telling me that it was late and that he knew I was lying . When I eventually did tell him , he marched me up to my bedroom and ordered me to lower my pants and lay over my bed , where he removed his belt and thrashed my butt until I was screaming and crying rampantly . He made me promise , on threat of the same punishment being delivered again , that I would not sneak into people 's houses again . I was still sore for most of the next day , and I had no idea until years later as to why he had grown so angry with me . When I did find out , it was in my teenage years . Our family had moved away from the village , into a small house in a large city . The change had been considerable , not just in terms of the building , but of the new lifestyle . It became impossible to avoid hearing about the world around us , and I no longer had my parent 's continual presence to shelter me from the information that you could find on the newspapers or the internet . It was on the evening news that I had seen the photograph of the man in the old farmhouse . The reporter explained that he had died in prison , serving his life sentence for the murder of four young children , all aged between four and nine years old . He had been arrested a month after my dad had taken his belt to me and made me promise not to venture into stranger 's houses again . In prison , he had committed suicide . The news didn 't say how . I later learned that he had broken off a sharp edge of his toothbrush and swallowed it , slicing open his throat . He choked to death on his own blood . When Dorothy arrived at the Emerald City , she finds all her friends . But they have been turned to stone . They stand around the ruins of the Emerald City , their bodies lifeless . The city is abandoned , with only their bodies left grey and stoic . The Emerald City is a mausoleum . But it 's not unoccupied . In one of the most terrifying moments of the film , we meet the living occupants of the city . It tumbles into view , moving on four legs , each leg ending in a screeching rusty wheel . At first we see its face as a black twisted mass of tissue and muscle , corrupted into a maniacal grimace , eyes peering out with a cold biting glare . Then it lifts its head up , revealing that the previous face was simply a false one , its true face hiding beneath . It laughs , " Come here ! " it rasps in a guttural scream . It laughs , and laughs . More of them appear . Three , four , a whole gang . Dorothy flees , and I would clutch my hands to my eyes , hoping to block them out and just make the nightmarish creatures go away . Dorothy finds , locked in an old chamber in the Emerald City , a mechanical guardian called Tic - Tok , who offers to protect her from the wheeled monsters . This creature has its own mechanical face , much like the one on the electric shock machine back in the hospital in Kansas . But it is Dorothy 's friend , and it fights off the wheelers and discovers that the City has been taken over by an evil witch called Mombi . Tic - Tok isn 't terrifying . He 's a friendly , amicable character . The same cannot be said for all of Dorothy 's friends , but we 'll get to that . First we need to talk about Mombi . I didn 't recognise her as a child , when I first watched the film , but Mombi was played by Jean Marsh , who also played the nurse that strapped Dorothy into her hospital bed at the start of the film , and who chased Dorothy into the river to meet her fate . She was , for five years , married to Jon Pertwee , the actor who famously portrayed the third incarnation of Doctor Who . And , perhaps more relevant to this story , played the character of Worzel Gummidge , a scarecrow who was brought to life . I mention the scarecrow , because Dorothy 's other companion is a prisoner of Mombi 's . When Mombi traps Dorothy in her tower , the young girl from Kansas meets one of Mombi 's failed experiments , Jack Pumpkinhead . Jack is a terrifying creature , taller than any adult actor in this film , with stick - thin limbs which seem to go on forever . It stands unsteadily on elongated legs , wearing a tattered old discoloured coat , its fingers ending in long reaching branches . Atop its neck sits a pumpkin in the place of a head . When the creature moves , it does so in sharp and sudden jerks , pulling its hands along as if they were alien parts of its body . Its voice is sickly sweet , provided by Brian Henson . Brian Henson is the son of the famous Jim Henson , and is now chairman of the Jim Henson Company . His voice is certainly the softest part of an otherwise terrifying creature . If you 've ever seen The Nightmare before Christmas , you may find some very interesting similarities with the film 's lead character . And at several points throughout the film , Jack 's limbs will break and fall apart , having to be bound back in place with rope . Dorothy 's only way to escape from Mombi 's tower is to steal the powder of life , which the witch used to bring the pumpkin - headed creature to life . She stores the powder in a glass cabinet , along with her spare heads . Yes , Mombi has a collection of heads . She changes them to fit her mood . They sit in the cabinets , looking for all purpose to be asleep , but each head is very much alive . That night , when Dorothy attempts to steal the powder of life from the cabinet , she accidently awakens one of the disembodied heads . Its eyes snap awake , and in a raspy voice it screams the girl 's name , DOROTHY GALE The other heads awake and start to scream . They scream , and screamed , and screamed . Their echoing cries woke the witch herself , who rose from her bed , nightgown flowing like a spectre , the space on her shoulders where her head should be utterly vacant , a headless figure stumbling towards the young girl , arms outstretched , all the while her heads screamed in terrible unison . We 'd been in the city for a year . I 'd been enrolled in a new school . It was far larger than I was accustomed to , and some of the boys at the start of the year had been brutally mocking . I was labelled as a farm boy , and treated as an outsider . Over the course of the months , though , they had forgotten about my difference , and soon I was simply one of the other school kids . I 'd seen him in the school yard . I didn 't know his name , but he was a bright kid with a splash of sunlight blonde hair . I think he must have been about eleven years old , but to my young eyes he could have been older by an infinite number of years . He was a Big Kid . As a Big Kid , I tried to avoid him , because he and his friends were loud and boisterous . He was in the upper years of school , and as a result he didn 't have to wear his uniform . None of the upper years did , and so the Big Kid would wear whatever he wanted , usually a white t - shirt and jeans . I don 't think he 'd ever spoken to me . I barely even noticed him . But because of what happened , I remembered him . It was summer . I was off school , during the start of the summer holidays . It couldn 't have been more than a week since school had stopped , and it was still a few more weeks before we were due to head away to the seaside to spend our holiday in the sun . It was already a nice enough day , the sun was warm and there was a cool wind ( DOROTHY GALE ) in the air . My mother had taken me into the city centre earlier that day , as she had wanted to pick up a few items from the large post office , where packages were sorted . I was feeling rather sour , as my mother 's venture out to do the daily shopping had interrupted my time for watching morning cartoons . Nevertheless I had trudged along , on the promise that if I behaved we could rent out a film from the video rental store that evening . It had been a long time since we had rented out Return To Oz , and the film had faded from my memory . I was excited . I was keen to see what we could find in the dark little video rental store . My mother was already certain that she wanted to rent out the Judy Garland musical version of Wizard of Oz , and relive her love of the classic . This was years before Blockbusters came here to England , and video rental stores were still small little stores owned by enterprising individuals looking to break into a new market . My mother parked the car just a few yards from the store , and we got out . The wind ( DOROTHY GALE ) was starting to pick up , and it was starting to feel a little cold . I grabbed my coat from the back seat of the car , and pulled it on . My mother looked over to me , and said " I 'm going to pop into the bakery for a moment " . The bakery , I should mention , was on the street corner , two stores from the video rental shop , with a small barber shop between the two . " Wait here " . She indicated to the front of the video store . I waited . I wasn 't going to argue , and I certainly wasn 't going to disobey . The promise of watching a new film that evening was enough to ensure that . I waited for what felt like an age , but I 'm sure was no more than a minute , when I heard the shouts from the other side of the street . I looked over . It was the Big Kid , in his white t - shirt and jeans , his bright blonde hair shining especially bright in the summer sun . He was on a bicycle , along with three other friends . I recognised all of them from school , but just like the Big Kid , I didn 't know their names . They were shouting to each other , circling around on their bikes , doing small tricks . One of the Big Kid 's friends would make his bike hop , back and forth . Another would swerve his front wheel , standing up tall on the peddles . The road was quiet . After about a minute , the group moved into the road , riding around the parked cars . It was a peaceful morning , about eleven o ' clock , and the boys were cheering . One of them made his bike hop up onto the pavement , spinning the handlebars around as he did so . Not a single other sound broke the summer day . I watched the Big Kid and his friend doing their tricks for a moment , and then turned to look at the window of the video rental store . The window was full of posters , and I was curious to see what films they were advertising . I looked from one to another , barely noticing when the sunlight dimmed somewhat as a cloud passed in front of the sun . The next light brush of wind ( DOROTHY GALE ) felt a bit colder , so I wrapped my arms around myself and waited for my mother , when I heard one of the Big Kids friends cry out . The truck must have taken the turn on the road too fast . I didn 't see it turn , but when I heard the cry I turned to look and seen it tearing down the road . It was a huge truck , massive , towering and ferocious . Its carriage smashed into one of the cars on the far side of the road . The boys in the street started to turn and run , panic in their steps . One dropped his bike and ran on his feet instead , the scream of the truck 's brakes suffocating his own scream . The Big Kid didn 't move . I don 't know why he didn 't move at the time , I realise now that he was rooted to his spot by fear . His shirt whistled around him as he stared at the truck , eyes wide , mouth open , a scream echoing from his mouth . He tried to raise his hands to cover his face , as if his thin arms would defend him from the monolithic ten - wheeled truck that was charging out of control towards him . He was screaming , and screaming , and screaming . The truck bore down the street , and even though it was almost thirty foot from where I was standing , I felt the air hit me in a hard gust ( DOROTHY GALE ) as it charged down on the Big Kid . The truck didn 't even collide with him , it simply poured over where he stood , his body buckling underneath it , folding like it was made of paper . His head , at the height of the top of the wheels , was tore free . There wasn 't much blood , but the force of the truck colliding with the Big Kid ripped the boy 's head from his shoulders and sent it hurtling across the road . The Big Kid 's head struck the road , and suddenly it was nothing more than a hunk of meat , like a prop in a movie . I wasn 't screaming . I couldn 't . My throat simply wouldn 't make any sound , except for a series of wheezing gasps as I tried to pull enough air into my lungs . I couldn 't scream because I couldn 't breathe . But there was screaming in the air ( DOROTHY GALE ) and I couldn 't figure out who was screaming . Then I realised . It was the head . The Big Kit 's head , swaying lightly as it lay on the side of the road , in the gutter , emptying his last sounds from the ruin of his throat , an awful scream that rattled from the severed neck , just for a few short seconds . The truck had stopped where it was , its brakes bringing it to a stop all - too - late , but beneath its wheels the Big Kid 's body twitched for a few moments more , his arms playing out the last moments of his muscle memory as he tries to feel around in the empty air above his shoulders . The witch kept a collection of heads . She changed them and would wear a different one depending on her mood . And after a few short , terrible seconds the movements ceased , the screaming stopped . The Big Kid , who had less than a minute before been a living person , was rendered into pieces of unmoving matter . Human meat , broken apart and empty . My mother ran from the bakery over to me and pulled me out of the way ; hoping that moving me out of the scene would push what I 'd seen from my mind . But it wouldn 't work . I closed my eyes , but the image didn 't go away . I could still see the Big Kid 's head , the side of his face ripped and caved inwards like a dessert bowl , his eyes in the wrong place and his mouth open as he let fall the last echoes of his scream . Dorothy , of course , had fled from the witch 's twitching , lurching body and her collection of screeching heads . She had run away and escaped the horrors . I wasn 't quite so lucky . Some things , I couldn 't escape from . They would hold me in place and exist in the space between the blinking of my eyes . With the powder of life , Dorothy was able to throw together a mass of assorted items in the witch 's tower , a sofa and a moose 's head and other random junk , and brought it to life . Creating an assorted mish - mash of a creature . It was called the Gump and , like Jack Pumpkinhead , was a jumbled homunculus of items . Dorothy flew away on the winged Gump , flying across the deadly desert . The deadly desert . A mass of sand at the border of Oz which , if you so much as touched the sand , would cause you to turn into sand yourself . Several of the wheelers pursued Dorothy , and when their wheels touched the sand , they collapsed . Their bodies yellowed , cracked and fell apart , their bodies sifting in the wind , the lines and curves of their faces shattering and breaking apart . The Gump rips apart in the air , its wings breaking and Dorothy and her friends crash - land onto the mountain of the Nome King . A sinister creature formed of living rock , the Nome King was played with austere and stern decorum by Nicol Williamson , a Scottish actor who forged his way through many respected Shakespeare roles on stage and screen , before his death in 2011 . Williamson also played the doctor , from the hospital back in Kansas . That both the sinister doctor and his beastly assistant had been incarnated in Oz , actors and all , makes me all the more sure that the dark and sinister Oz of this film is but a flash in Dorothy 's memory as she drowns in the river during that storm . No . She doesn 't drown . No matter how many times I try to remind myself of the story , I keep thinking that she drowned . I 've seen the film many times as an adult , and yet each time I watch it I find myself thinking as she falls into the churning waters of the river , " It is here at this point that she drowns " . I know in my conscious mind that she doesn 't . But each time I think back on this film , I remember Dorothy slipping beneath the thrashing waves , her skin wet and cold , gasping for air , drowning beneath the weight of the water . No . Dorothy does not drown . That 's not the story in the film . I keep remembering the film differently , I keep thinking that she drowns , but she doesn 't . She doesn 't drown . Dorothy does not drown . She goes to Oz and rescues her friends , who have been captured by the Nome King . She goes into the Nome King 's treasure chamber , where he has turned all of her friends into ornaments , and she brings them back to life . She , little Fairuza Balk in her first film role ( she didn 't drown she went on to be Stacey in American History X she didn 't drown ) She brings them all back to the Emerald City . And the Nome King … The evil witch , Mombi , she is captured by the heroes . But the Nome King dies . Dorothy 's companion , the talking chicken called Billina , drops an egg into the Nome King 's mouth . The Nome King , at this point in the film having become a gigantic creation of living rock , gags and chokes . He rasps the words " Eggs … poison … " and crumbles . His entire body breaks apart , slowly . Chunks of rock falling away , taking his face with it . Eggs , poison . Eggs , of course , are not poison . In the film , they are only poisonous to the Nome King . I never did understand why , and when I was a child I didn 't even realise that it was a condition purely to the Nome King and not something that would affect any of the other characters , human or otherwise . The statement was simply a proclamation , a warning . Eggs , poison . Whilst his face turned to rock , churned , boiled , and fell apart like pebbles . Poison . My mother served me a plate of scrambled eggs for lunch . This was two weeks before we moved to the city , away from our village home . I had lived in a small village for my entire life ; we had no more than thirty buildings and a single main street with its local shop , pub , school house and church . Surrounded as we were by farmland , a large number of our local produce was agricultural . Local beef , pork , and eggs . I pushed the plate away . " Not hungry ? " asked my mother . I shook my head . Poison . I found the nest during summer . It was hidden in the roots of an old oak tree , near the back of the church hall . It had been built by some of the stray chickens , who had nestled down amongst the gnarled and twisted old roots of the rotting tree . I 'd found it one morning , whilst on my way to school . It had been raining the night before , and my rubber wellington boots were flecked with mud . It was the sound I heard first , a bleating cry . I stepped through the soggy grass and leaned closer , peering through the shadows of the old tree roots . The nest was wet and full of dirt . Two chicken eggs sat in the dirt , their surfaces glistening from the rain . The third egg lay in pieces . Bits of its shell hung like a deflated balloon . The infant chicken had been born too early , it was premature and half formed . Its body looked like a wet mess of string . It 's skin was oily and black , and seemed to be made of muscle fibre . Its head was too big for its neck , and hung limply to one side , its eyes open far too wide . It was twitching as if on a string , trying to breathe , struggling to live . The rest of it was only partly there . It was a premature birth , a foetus of a creature more muscle and tissue than life . Its egg had cracked and spilled the chick into the world , rejecting it . Poison . We didn 't have a cafeteria at school . It was too small a building . Instead , the local store would send a van to the back of the schoolhouse , where the teachers would collect our meals and bring them into the gym hall , which also doubled as the auditorium , despite it being significantly too small to qualify as one . We sat and ate our lunches , those who got our lunches from the school van and those who brought a packed lunch together . My mother had made me some ham sandwiches , with the crusts cut neatly off . I sat with three other kids from my class . Chris was a keen football fan , and would usually rush through his lunch in order to finish early so that he could hurry into the yard and kick a ball around for a while . Josh was a quiet , bookish sort who had long black hair and a set of strong braces which shone each time he smiled . And then there was Gary , who didn 't speak much , but followed the rest of us around quite eagerly . I chewed on my sandwich for a while , not really speaking . Chris was talking eagerly , about the football match that he 'd watched on the television last night . I didn 't care about football , and his descriptions of kicks and goals seemed almost like an alien language to me . He took a bite out of his sandwich , and continued to talk , spraying bits of food as he did so . I turned to Josh , wanting to tell him about the nest that I 'd found . I told him about the chick , laying squirming in the muddy ground gasping for life . Josh shook his head , " All chickens are little when they 're born " he said . I tried to explain that it wasn 't simply a baby chick , that it was half - formed and dying , but I was only a child and wouldn 't form the description properly . At best I could explain that it had been ' born wrong ' . Chris took another bite out of his sandwich , and made a soft coughing sound . Josh said that maybe a fox had found the nest and was eating some of the eggs , and that maybe it had left the dead chick behind . I tried to explain that this might be possible , when Chris coughed again . I turned to look at him . His face looked wrong , brighter , and puffier . He coughed again and again , louder , and began to motion towards his throat . A few other kids from nearby turned and noticed , as Chris ' coughing became more insistent . He dropped his sandwich , one he had got from the lunch van . It fell open , the slices of bread separating to show the creamy white shade of its contents , egg mayonnaise . Chris tried to stand up , but couldn 't , tripping as he did so . Josh rushed forward , trying to slap him on the back . " Help ! " he shouted . Chris was clasping at his throat now , his face flushing from a pale red to a deeper , more blood - like shade . He was growing frantic , and began to panic . He was wheezing for air , the breath trying desperately to fill his lungs . But he couldn 't , and without any air he would ( drown ) choke to death . But that wasn 't right , that wasn 't what was killing him . I knew what was killing him , it was the poison . The eggs in the sandwich . The teacher was running over , but Chris had fallen to the floor at this point , his rasping gasps for air filling the small hall . He twitched , thrashing for air , his skin turning a darker shade of red , and I thought about the chick which was doing the very same . I grabbed the teacher 's arm , " It 's the eggs " I said , insistently , my eyes stinging as I felt tears in them , " The eggs . They 're poisoned . " I still don 't think the film is cursed . The whole cursed movie thing doesn 't work , not in reality . It may have been the director 's only movie , but that doesn 't mean anything about it was unusual . I don 't think the video I watched was haunted . No , this definitely wasn 't the movie that was haunted . It was me . By the time she goes back to Kansas , Dorothy 's journey is over . She has found the rightful heir to the throne of Oz , and helped her reclaim the world . We learn that the hospital burned to the ground during the storm . The doctor died in the fire . Burned to death . The Nome King died , so did the doctor . Both characters , both played by the same actor , met the same fate . But Dorothy was home , and she was wiser and more confident now , her sadness was gone . She could carry the memory of Oz with her forever . I stood on the road where the truck had struck and killed the blonde - haired kid . This was about a month ago . I was in the city for business . I had just finished a new project , the shooting of a new film . When I was twelve , I watched a movie called Cinema Paradiso , a classic of modern Italian movies . It follows the story of a man who grows up in a small village , and to who the local cinema has a major impact on his life . He goes on to grow up to become a respected film director . There are similarities between our lives . When I had finished my fifth feature film , I 'd begun to wonder just what kind of influence the films I had watched as a child had on me . How they had shaped me into who I was . The character in Cinema Paradiso is bolstered by these ; they give him strength and a means of escape . For me , there was one film that terrified me . And that 's what brought me back to the street where the Big Kid had died in the truck accident . It was only coincidence that had brought me here . I had two weeks to go until editing would begin on the film , and I needed a break . A way to clear my head . The editing was due to take place in our main studio , but by sheer coincidence my hotel wasn 't too far from where the truck accident had occurred . That evening , I walked to the street . I thought it would maybe look the same . I didn 't really know what I hoped to find . I didn 't want to drown out my memories , maybe I just wanted to see them one last time , in order to say goodbye . The video rental store was long since gone . The bakery was still there , though . The young man behind the counter told me that he couldn 't remember a video rental store being there on the street ever since he had moved to the city , some seven years ago . Time had changed . I had expected to still see the marks of the tires from the truck in the road . I didn 't . No black scorch of burned rubber , and no dash of blood in the gutter where the head had landed . The city had changed . It had moved on . Only my memory remained . My home village in Cornwall had changed perhaps more drastically . I drove there in my white Sedan , and when I pulled up into the village 's main street , I realised that time had ravaged the place far worse than any hurricane could . I was determined not to let the weight of time dissuade me from what I intended to do , though . I parked my car and looked around . I tasted the air , and looked around . I had drove through the smooth hills , which were once full of wheat , but were now empty . My Kansas was gone . The air tasted different . This , I thought , was my own return to Oz . The post office was shut ; it had closed many years before . The small corner shop was now a Safeway , and even so it was a small one with only a single check - out . I went into the local pub , which I had never done when I was a child here . The man behind the bar barely took notice of me . All around me , the people seemed old , as if history had chewed on them and left their wrinkled faces gnawed . I didn 't see any children here . The bartender told me that there weren 't really any young families around here anymore . No work around here , it seemed . Only the old people who had once worked the farms , waiting for the dust of the earth to reclaim them . Being in the village was painful . I felt like a relic , something that the past had forgotten . Time had moved on . I had moved on . The village had not . It had struggled , it had lost . I didn 't want to stay for too long . I knew I wanted to make this quick , before being here became too painful , before the ghosts of my memories began to hurt me . I left the pub , and started on my walk . The school was the closest , so I went there first . It was a poor decision . The building itself was barren . The sign at the front , with the school 's name that had once been boldly etched on it , had been taken down . The building was abandoned . Without children to teach , there was no use of the school any more . I learned from the man who owned the local pub that the hall , where Chris had choked on the broken piece of egg shell so many years before , was still occasionally used for village meetings . But the classrooms had long since been abandoned . I walked around the building , peering into the rooms . They were all barren , emptied of furniture . No desks , no chairs . One held an old blackboard , its surface covered with dust . When I got to the church , I realised before I even before I stepped into the yard that the old oak tree was long gone . I found an old priest with a shock of dirty white hair tending the front of the church . When I asked him about the tree , he told me that it had caught a disease several years before and was cut down . I walked into the yard , and sure enough , found the dry old patch of ground where the tree once stood . The ground felt harder than the soil surrounding it , and rose in a steady lump , like a despoiled grave . The old farm house had been demolished . It had been concreted over , as if to prevent anyone else from building there . At the foot of the hill , a large square patch of grey concrete was almost lost amongst the tall grass . I almost stumbled across it , because the years had pushed the details of the location from my mind . When I found the patch of concrete , I half expected to find a small plaque as well . Perhaps a dedication to the four children who had been murdered and buried there . There wasn 't one . The concrete itself was cracked and old by then , with bits of weeds and long grass peeking its way through like nature 's own fingertips . It was almost , I thought , like the world wants to forget . I felt tired . The journey had been painful , bittersweet . I felt that I had made my homecoming , and felt the sadness that it would bring . I wanted to leave , soon . The memories were too strong , ones that were so powerful for me but that the rest of the world had done its best to forget . I had made my journey . Or so I thought . But I wasn 't yet done . I don 't know what brought me there ; I had no idea what guided my steps . I 'd forgotten that the village had a river . In the daylight , I thought , the river might look beautiful . But with the sun starting to dye the sky red and slip down towards the horizon , made the undercurrents of the water look dark . My feet had brought me here , almost unbidden , as if I was following a trail that was laid out for me a long time ago . This is where my broken , ruined yellow brick road leads me . I didn 't remember it all at once . The images came first . Her face , with her eyes wide in terror , the water splashing over her skin and making it glisten , her mouth full and unable to take in enough air , her short black hair slick against her scalp and in utter disarray . The water kept washing over her face , the dark cloak of the current covering her for a few fleeting moments before she broke the surface again , only to dip back into its icy embrace again . I was on the bank of the river . I was clasping onto her arm . But it was cold on a winter 's night , and her coat was too wet , and I was wearing gloves , and she kept slipping . I couldn 't hold on . I couldn 't get a good grip . I wasn 't strong enough . I was only six years old , and she was four , and the river had her . The river held her in its grip and the water was like fingers and it had a better grip on her than I ever could . She was crying , shouting for me to help , the water was weighing her down and stopping her words from escaping . She was drowning , and I was panicking . I was meant to look after her . She was my sister , and I was her big brother , and I was meant to protect her . I was meant to look after her . And she was drowning . She had fallen in and hit the water with a splash , and that splash was so loud that it had broken the world . Maybe not forgotten , I think my mind had forced the memory out . It knew I couldn 't cope with it , not when I was just a little boy . I remember my parents and their tears and the ambulance that was called and my parents telling me over and over that it wasn 't my fault . But it was . I was still that little boy who had made himself forget that he was standing on the riverbank , clutching onto the girl 's arm as she was drowning . This , I realised , was why I had come here . I needed to make myself remember . I had to find the source of my fear . Remember what it was that had kept this moment from my mind . She drowned . In the river , she drowned . I hadn 't remembered it , I 'd made myself forget . And that memory had seeped out into the movie . That , I realised , was my secret . I 'd kept it all locked up inside me , but the memory had found a way . My little sister 's ghost wouldn 't be forgotten . Each time I thought of that damnable movie , each time I tried to remember Return to Oz , I remembered Dorothy Gale drowning in the river . But it wasn 't Dorothy , it had never been Dorothy . It had been my little sister . And she was my ghost . Not some sinister , skulking figure that thirsted for revenge . But she had been there , always , in my shadows . Haunting me , until I made my own journey into the past , made my own return to Oz . That film was important to me , I knew it now . I 'd never be free from it . Even when I tried to say goodbye , when I spoke my lost little sister 's name on that riverbank , I knew that she would follow me forever . I couldn 't leave her behind ; I couldn 't lock her away again . Return to Oz bound us together forever . |
These are my dream projects . I still need to finish the illustrations in my spare time . My girls love them , but they 're partial … comment and let me know what your kiddo thinks ! And if you happen to be a publisher , movie producer , or excellent editor , I 'm expecting your call … any minute now . The snow melted slowly , sinking deep into the earth , finding its way down the mountainside in rivulets and streams , leaving a trail of green everywhere it touched . Tiny flowers unfurled their leaves , stretching after their long winters sleep . A deer led her fawn to the meadow to frolic in the sun . The brown bear showed her young cubs how to catch the best salmon . Even the tiny wood mouse emerged from her nest full of little ones to sniff and blink at the smell of spring . The air was fresh and clean , full of new life and new beginnings . At the top of the highest mountain was a magnificent castle , glimmering in the evening sun . The King watched from his balcony as the sun sank over his beloved kingdom . His lands stretched many miles beyond them in every direction . He was the most powerful man in a mighty empire … . yet he could not stop the sun from setting . He could not command the rain to fall . And he could not keep his beloved wife from dying . For the first time in his life , the King felt helpless , and weak . As the sorrow of his loss washed over him , he felt the tiny bundle stir in his arms . His dear Queen had given her life to bring this little one into the world . He tucked the blanket more securely around his new daughter . In the stillness of the evening , the wind whispered through the willow trees , reminding him that he was not alone . Never alone . There was One who was greater than he , One who commanded the wind and the waves . One who gave new life , new joy , even in the midst of sorrow . With her last breath , the Queen had one final request . " Let us name her ' Willow ' , so everyone who hears the sound of her name will be reminded of the sound of the wind . " The Queen had loved the sound of the wind through the willow trees . On their wedding day , the King had commanded an entire forest be planted , just to make his new bride smile . How they had loved to walk through the willow trees together , listening to the sound of the wind in the trees . She would sing a wordless melody with the wind , like the song of the lark , beautiful and free . Now the King looked down into the face of his new daughter . The little Princess gazed into her Father 's eyes with quiet wonder . How could he teach her all that she needed to know , without her mother there to show her the way . Without realizing what he was doing , he began to hum , from deep in his chest , the melody rumbled , the sound of the wind . From the tree above him , a lark joined the song , and in that moment , the King felt the love of his dear wife , there with him for one last sunset , one last song , with her beloved King and their baby girl . Willow was what some might call , " a difficult baby " . Perhaps she missed the warmth of her mother . Perhaps she had a bad case of indigestion . Whatever the case , she wailed to let the world know . Her cries echoed throughout the castle walls , piercing the ears of all within range . Her father , the King , had thrown himself into his work , trying unsuccessfully to forget his grief . Now his chief advisor stood before him , saying something about the gold mines on the coast . The wailing drowned out his words . The King interrupted him , " I hired a nurse for that child ! Obviously she knows nothing about babies ! " He huffed . Dismissing the advisor , he stormed into the nursery . The poor frazzled nurse walked the floor , singing out of tune . " Give her to me ! " he thundered . Relieved , she handed him his child . It was the first time he had held her since that night on the balcony . The night his wife had left him . He hadn 't been able to bring himself to hold their child again since then . She reminded him too much of her mother . Now that he held her again , he wondered why he had waited so long . He began to sing the melody , holding her to his chest . Slowly , she quieted , then , peacefully slept . From that moment on , Little Willow held her Father 's heart in her wee little hands . Everyone knew that once she started , there was no stopping her wailing until the King came to her calls . She seemed to know it too . As soon as he held her , she would gurgle happily , look up in his eyes , and smile . Behind his back , the nanny whispered " He 'll spoil that child , just wait and see ! " The advisers said , " The King 's time is better spent working for his Kingdom , not wasted rocking a baby . A job for nannies and nurses and peasant women ! " , but the wise old ones knew it was as good for the King as it was for the little Princess . It wasn 't long before Little Willow could sing along , her childish voice singing with her Father 's strong one . When her Father had to attend to the business of the Kingdom , she would hum the melody as she played and remember that she was never really alone . When she played in the courtyard and the breeze ruffled her hair , she would stop for a moment and listen for the song in the willows . It was always there . Hardly a day went by when Willow didn 't visit her Father 's stables with apples for the horses . She loved each of them and called them all by name . Every night she begged the King for a horse of her own , but he always said she was too young . " A horse is a thing of beauty and strength , too wild for a little girl . Horses are better suited for knights on the battlefield , my child . " Still , she begged and pleaded . It wasn 't until her tenth birthday that he relented . There was a farm outside the city walls with just the thing for his Little Princess . The morning of Willows birthday she awoke with one thing on her mind … . " A pony ! " She raced down to the stables . " Please oh please oh please oh please … . let there be a pony ! ! ! " She rounded the corner and pushed open the giant doors . Open mouthed , she stared . A large red ribbon was tied around the foal 's neck . The King stepped out from behind the door . " Well , do you like your birthday present ? " he asked . For once , Willow was speechless . Then she squealed with delight and threw her arms about the fuzzy foals neck . " Oh thank you , Father ! Thank you ! I will name her Little Marella . She 's the most perfect pony in the whole world ! ! " The King laughed . " Willow , my dear , that is a lovely name , but she isn 't a pony . " " What ? " Willow asked , " Don 't be silly Father , of course she 's a pony . She 's got big brown eyes , a big horsey mouth , and lovely long legs . What else could she be ? " " My dear child , did you notice her ears are as long as a rabbits ? Your ' pony ' is a donkey , but you are right , she will be the perfect companion for you to ride . A donkey isn 't like a horse , and it 's not just the ears . She is smart and loyal . Treat her well , and she will love you for life . If she is frightened , she won 't buck and run , leaving her rider in the dust , instead she stops and thinks what to do . You could learn a lot from this little donkey . Stop and think before you run into things . Love well … " The King was still talking , but Willow didn 't hear him , she was too busy petting her new donkey and dreaming of all the fun they would have together . Willow didn 't see the clouds gathering on the horizon . She was too busy going for rides through the countryside to hear the people talking in hushed , worried voices , and looking over the mountains with fear in their eyes . Then the day came when even Willow couldn 't be shielded from the storm . The people of the countryside fled to the safety of the walled city . The enemy had crossed the mountains , and if something wasn 't done to stop them , would soon be at the gates of the kingdom . After years of living at peace , the kingdom was now at war . The King had no choice but to lead his troops into battle . There was no time to lose . They would set out at dawn the next day . Before he sang the song that night , he held his daughter 's small hands in his strong ones . " Willow , you must be brave while I am away . When your mother died , I promised her I would take care of you . Now the enemy is threatening to take away everything that we hold dear . Please understand , I must go , but whenever you feel the breeze , and hear the song of the wind in the trees , remember that wherever I am , I will feel the same wind , and though we may be miles apart , the same wind that kisses your check , also kisses mine . " Now a year had passed since Father had gone away to war . Every night Willow would hum the song of the wind to herself and pretend that her Father was there , singing with her . She would close her eyes and picture him there with his smiling face and deep voice . In the daylight , she tried to be brave , and act like a good little Princess should , but the longer the King was away , the harder it seemed . Whenever she found one of the King 's advisors she would ask them , " Have you any news from my Father ? Is the war almost over ? " But they never had any answers for her , and seemed to avoid her whenever they could . One day when they seemed in a bigger hurry than usual to be rid of her , she had an awful thought . " What if there is no war ? What if it 's all a lie ? What if my father found a new Queen and a new kingdom and a new family and doesn 't need me anymore ? " It was too much to bare . It couldn 't be true ! Her father loved her ! ! But that night as she sang , the notes came out all wrong , and when she closed her eyes , she couldn 't see her Father 's face . The next morning , she forgot to brush her teeth , and no one even noticed . She wondered if anyone even cared if she brushed them or not . Without her Father there to guide her and correct her , it wasn 't long before she was behaving more like a street urchin than a young lady of noble birth . The more time passed , the lonelier she became . She couldn 't stand to see the servants smiling and laughing when she felt so awful inside . " How dare anyone be happy when the King is away ! ! " She fumed . Willow decided it was her job to make certain everyone around her was as miserable as she was . This was easy enough for a Princess to do . She yelled at the servants for the smallest offense , ate with her fingers , and left her things scattered wherever they fell . If they were broken , all the better , then she could demand newer , better ones to take their place . This went on for quite some time , and each day the Princess found some new way to terrorize and humiliate the servants and staff . No one dared to discipline the daughter of the King , instead , they ignored her bad behavior completely . This just made Willow angrier . " How dare they ignore me ! I am the Princess ! " She invented uglier and nastier tricks , thinking surely they would get her the attention she longed for , but nothing worked . One day she caught two frogs in the moat and dumped them in the breakfast pudding behind the cooks back . The cook had seen her do it , but blamed the servant boy and boxed his ears instead . He glared at Willow through his tears , and stuck out his tongue when she passed in the halls . The next day she left her marbles in the great hall , and the chief advisor fell head over heals , luckily he only suffered of bruised pride and a broken nose . No matter the Princess did , no one said a word to her face , but she knew by the whispers behind her back that no one really liked her . She didn 't even like herself . The worse she acted , the worse she felt inside . It might have gone on like this forever , if not for the day the message came to the Castle . The King 's own knight , covered in dust , battle worn and weary , had ridden hard from the battlefield to deliver the dreadful news . His steely gray eyes filled with tears as he told the tale . A tale of a battle against an enemy so fierce , so evil , that all seemed lost . The troops were terrified . The King commanded them to stay and fight , for their families , for their kingdom , but it was no use , the troops fell back in retreat , each man running for his life . The King had turned his mighty steed and faced the enemy alone , while even his mightiest men ran for their lives . He fought valiantly , with bravery and skill . As his men turned to watch , he fell from his steed and the enemy swarmed past him . Suddenly they felt no more fear , how could they run and hide while their own King gave his life to save them ? Their hearts filled with courage and they raced back to the battle . Their King had not died in vain , his courage lived on in the warriors battle cry , in the flash of each sword and he whiz of the arrows . The enemy fell back in retreat and the battle was won . But their beloved King was gone . The Princess , upon hearing the news of her dear Father 's death , fled weeping to her room and collapsed in a heap on her bed . She heard the people of the kingdom rejoicing over the victory over their enemies , but Willow 's whole world had turned upside down . Her dear Father was not coming home to her , and she alone was heir to the throne . At first , Willow refused to be comforted . As she wept , she thought the tears would never stop , the pain would never lessen , and she would never smile again . But slowly , her wailing turned to weeping , then her weeping turned to sniffles . Then one day when the tears had all dried , Willow felt a soft cool breeze flit across her face , and heard a still , small voice deep inside . " Get up , my child . Look outside . " Slowly she rose from her bed and went to the window . Outside was the willow tree her Father had planted on the day of her birth . The breeze blew the leaves aside , and for the first time she looked beyond the willow tree , outside the courtyard walls she saw the people of her kingdom . A wounded soldier , begging for bread . A lonely old woman , selling candles no one would buy . A lost little boy , crying for his mother , pushed aside by the crowds . For the first time in months , she felt something inside that wasn 't mean and selfish . She felt pity , and sadness , but most of all , love . When Princess Willow emerged from her room , the servants gasped at the change . Gone were the jewels and lace , replaced by simple peasant attire . Even more astonishing than the change of clothes was the change of heart . In place of a spoiled and spiteful child in gowns of silk , there stood a girl with the true and noble heart of a Princess , dressed in the garb of a peasant . That was the first day of the Princesses new life . Each day Willow would rise with the sun , dress in her simple peasant costume and go out among her people . She listened to their stories , laughed with them , cried with them , and sang the Song of the Wind as she rode through the streets . If their was a need , she secretly filled it . A gold coin left on a windowsill . A basket of fish . A loaf of bread . They never guessed the peasant girl with the kind eyes was their very own Princess Willow . Inside the stables she was greeted with a chorus of whinnies . She paused by each of the grand war horses , the fine racing steeds , and the prancing ponies , giving each of them an apple and a pat on the nose , but Willow didn 't stop until she came to the last , smallest stable . Little Marella greeted her with a joyous bray in exchange for her favorite treat , oatmeal cookies ! The small , furry donkey had been her faithful companion everyday , carrying the Princess and her precious gifts to the poorest parts of the kingdom . Sure footed and kind hearted , the little donkey never stumbled under the weight of her burdens , but carried on without complaint . Willow always felt closer to her Father when she was with the little donkey . She laughed to herself as she remembered the day he had surprised her with the faithful little friend . If only her Father could see her now ! How he would laugh to see his pampered little Princess dressed as a peasant ! As for the donkey , Little Marella was proud to be chosen by the Princess for such an honorable task . The Princess quickly loaded Little Marella 's saddle bags to the brim with her parcels and gifts , and then they set off . The wind was stronger outside the city walls , but the Princess and her little donkey didn 't mind . Their first stop was the home of a lonely widow , blinded by age . Here the Princess left enough food to last through the week , and coins to buy firewood to keep her warm through the storm . By the time they left the old widows house , the wind had grown fiercer and snow was in the air . Still , the pair pressed on . With this storm , many of her people would be desperate for her care . They stopped at each of the poorest of homes , until the only weight on Little Marella 's back was that of her beloved Princess . By this time , all of the gold had been given away , and the last of the food given to a poor orphan boy huddled in a doorway . With nothing left to give , the Princess was about to turn back for the castle when Little Marella stopped short . A figure , nearly covered by the snow , lay fallen in the path . The poor child was nearly frozen , wearing nothing but rags and tattered shoes on his feet . Willow gently shook him awake and warmed his icy hands in her own . The poor child was miles from his home , and had been surprised by the storm . Willow quickly realized there was only one thing to do . The child would die if left out here alone . She gently lifted the boy onto the back of her furry little donkey , kissed Little Marella 's soft velvet nose and whispered in her great ears that she was to take the child home . Not wanting to leave her Princess behind , the little donkey hesitated and looked back through the snow , but the Princess had already disappeared . " Home . " The little donkey stood quiet and still . It was her nature to stop and think , and this would take some thinking . " Home " meant the castle stables , and warm mash , and oatmeal cookies , and fresh clean straw , and the Princess . But the Princess had meant something else , some other home . " Home … " That was it ! The donkey , satisfied that she had solved this riddle , turned her nose to the wind , sniffed this way , then that , then headed for the only other place she had ever called " home . " At first , Willow walked briskly to keep her spirits up , but soon her steps slowed . The storm had turned into a blizzard and Willow had lost her way . Without Little Marella to guide her to the castle in the blinding white , she was helpless , lost , and terribly cold . Still , she wasn 't afraid . She remembered that she was never alone , and hummed the song of the wind to herself . After all , she was bound to find shelter somewhere ahead , so on she trudged . Finally , able to go no further , she sank into a snow drift beneath a scraggly old olive tree . The branches seemed to bend low to shelter her and the snowflakes fell , covering her in their blanket of soft white . Slowly , Willow closed her eyes . The young peasant woman stared out into the blizzard , holding her lantern high . She knew the feeble light could not pierce the swirling white of the storm , but still she hoped for a miracle . She closed the door and busied herself before the fire . " He will be hungry when he gets home , and cold . He 'll want some stew . " She stirred the pot , seasoning it with her tears . She thought she heard something , through wind , but then shook her head . She went on stirring , praying , stirring . There it was again ! Just her old donkey , braying in the stable . The hired man had fed her enough to last through the storm , why would she be making such a noise in the middle of the night ? Unless , oh , surely the wolves couldn 't break down the door ! She listened again , but there was no sound of wolves . Only , strangely , another bray . This one fainter , as if from a distance . Yes , it was another donkey , braying in return ! She dropped her spoon and ran to the door , throwing it open wide to the wind . Through the gale she heard it again , her old Donkey braying into the wind , and the answering call , again and again . Then she saw it , a blur of white , a little donkey , covered in snow , with a load of something on her back . But then the snow covered load moved , and fell into her arms . " Oh , my child , my son ! ! My son is home ! ! ! " The woman cried through tears of joy , and carried the boy inside . Relieved of her burden , Little Marella went on to the stable and let out a loud bray . The hired man let her in , dried her coat , and gave her oats for her efforts . But Little Marella only nuzzled her mother and felt her familiar warmth . A soft bray welcomed her back to the home of her birth . Not even the King 's stables could compare to sharing a stall and a bag of oats with her mother again . Willow was so tired . It would be so easy to stay here forever . The icy cold seemed to sink into her very soul . She couldn 't go on . Why should she try ? There was no one left to go home to . If she died , at least she could see her father again . She settled herself deeper into the blanket of snow , waiting for the end . But it didn 't come . The wind , a moment before so bitterly cold , kissed her cheek , a warm , spring kiss . She opened her eyes , " Father ? " she cried , " Father , are you there ? " The hired man finished caring for the little donkey and carefully barred the stable door . No wolves would get in tonight . The blizzard had stopped as quickly as it had come . The stars twinkled with frosty light on the snowy path . He came to the old olive tree and stopped to take in the beauty . This was his favorite spot . The way the wind blew threw the trees seemed so familiar somehow … he stopped , something was there , buried in the snow . A young girl . He brushed aside the snow and pressed his lips to her cheek . She was still alive , but barely . He lifted her quickly and carried her inside . All night Willow lay , feverish by the fire . The woman tried to get her to eat , but she was too weak to even open her eyes . In her sleep , she cried out again and again for her Father . It was dawn when Willow finally awoke . The fire crackled before her , deliciously warm . As her eyes adjusted to the darkness of the house , she realized it was not much more than a hovel . But it was clean . And it smelled like … bacon ! She realized she was dreadfully hungry , having given away all of her food the day before , she hadn 't eaten since yesterday 's breakfast ! She turned at a sound , a young woman sat by her cot . " Ahh , our sleeping beauty awakes . And how do you feel this morning ? " Willow liked her immediately . Her eyes were tired , but kind . Then Willow noticed a bundle of furs on the floor beside her , and a small face appeared between the folds . That face was so familiar … the lost little boy , in the snow ! " But how did he … . . how did I … ? " Before she could ask all the questions in her mind , the door burst open . A giant of a man , covered in furs , ducked his head to get through the door . He stomped the snow from his boots then dropped his load of wood beside the fireplace . Silently unwrapping his scarf , he turned to face the maiden he 'd stumbled on the night before . She gasped at the sight of his face , and fainted . It took yet another hour , and the smell of pancakes , to rouse Willow again . This time when she awoke , he was standing over her , his dark eyes looking down into her wondering ones . " Father ? " She said , " Is it really you ? " He looked at her blankly , stroked her hand and looked away . He didn 't want to upset the poor girl . She must be confused after her ordeal . She 'd probably lost her father in the war , so many had . It was better not to say anything until she got her strength back . Anyway , when she felt better , she would realize he wasn 't her father . " I must be dreaming , " Willow said to herself . " If this were real , my Father would never look at me like he doesn 't know who I am . " Confused , Willow sat up , grasping his face in her hands . She felt his course whiskers under her palms . " If this was a dream , I wouldn 't be able to feel your prickly whiskers ! This is real , I know you 're real ! FATHER ! ! " But her Father just looked at her with a sad smile . Why didn 't he say her name ? Why didn 't he hold her in return ? Willow burst into tears . This was all too much to bare ! The kind woman of the house intervened . " Sweet girl , " she said , " our dear soldier has lost his memory , he came to us , wounded and confused , after the war . He has been a blessing , to be sure . My own husband was killed when the war began , we were nearly starved by the time he came along . We call him " Jean " , since he 's never yet remembered his name . I must admit , without his help on the farm , I don 't know what we would have done . He plowed the fields with our old donkey , planted our wheat , tended to everything that had a need . But through it all , his memories never returned . Now , now , don 't cry , little one . " But Willow couldn 't stop the tears . Tears of joy . Her father , the king , whom everyone had believed dead , was not dead , but lost all this time ! And now he was found ! But with her joy was intertwined sorrow . Her dear Father , dear , dear Father , did not even know his own daughter , did not know the castle on the hill was his rightful home , did not even know his own name . " How can I make him remember me ? Not just me , but everything … everything that makes him who he is . His memories , the happy ones , and the sad ones … . they are all a part of who he is . Without them , who will he be ? How can I help him to remember all he needs to know ? " From deep inside her soul , Willow began to sing . The melody that had once had no words , became a song with a lifetime of memories , of lost love , of renewed joy , the song of the lark , and the whispers of the wind through the willow tAs she sang , she took his big , calloused hands in her own small ones and looked into his eyes . Slowly , he joined his rich strong voice with her sweet one . As Willow sang , first one memory , then another , somehow , the moment came back to him , and he sang the next . The memories flowed over his heart , one by one . His wedding day . The walks through the willow trees with his beloved wife . His Kingdom . Their baby . His daughter . The war . The last battle . And now , his daughter , Little Willow ! ! ! Everything he had lost came back to him in a whirl , and the ache in the bottom of his soul was gone . Finally , after all this time , he was a peace . " Dear Little Willow . My dear , dear daughter . " he murmured as the tears fell down his cheeks . " Oh , what you must have gone through ! Can you forgive me for all the time we 've lost ? Do you know how much I love you ? " the King asked as he gently pulled her to him . Willow could only smile through her tears , for now she was exactly where she belonged , in her Father 's arms , and no one would ever come between them again . One day , not so long ago , there were three princesses born to a queen and king . They were named Esmerelda , Annika , and Priscilla . On the day of their birth , a great lord gave each of the newborn babes a priceless gift … . a beautiful necklace with a golden heart that sparkled and glowed when placed around her neck . The lord told the King and Queen that this gift was special , and was to be guarded above all else . It was their duty to teach the Princesses how to protect their hearts from harm . The girls grew up , as all girls do , and always wore their golden hearts on silver strands upon their necks . One day , Esmerelda was out walking in the woods when she came upon a handsome prince . He was charming and witty and made Esmerelda laugh with his jokes . When he asked for just one small corner of the golden heart , she found she could not refuse him , and gladly gave it . The second he held the piece in his hand , he turned and ran into the forest , laughing a wicked laugh as he went . Too late , she realized he was not her prince at all . Now her golden heart wasn 't whole , and it didn 't shine quite the same as it used to when it was whole , and the Princess began to think it probably wasn 't worth much now that it had lost a corner . She found that she easily gave pieces away now , a piece to a knight who said she was pretty , and another to a merchant who gave her beautiful gowns made of silk . It wasn 't long before all she had left was a tiny piece of her once perfect golden heart . She became bitter and cold , and refused to leave the palace at all , afraid that someone would steal the tiny piece that was left of her golden heart . The youngest princess , Priscilla , saw the way her sisters wept upon their pillows every night , and she silently promised the lord that she would guard her heart . She was a beautiful princess , and there were princes from far and wide that came to win a piece of her heart . The strongest of them jousted , and risked life and limb for her love . Still , she resisted their advances , thanked them kindly , and sent them on their way . The poets sent her love letters of the sweetest verse , which she read , gave them thanks , then sent each poet back to his homeland with her best wishes . Then one day a handsome prince came and asked for her hand in marriage . He was tall , with a face more beautiful than any she had seen . She wondered , is he the one that I am to give my golden heart to ? But in her heart of hearts , she heard a still small voice , and she knew that this was not the one . So she waited still , and wondered if her prince would ever come . One day , a brave young Prince came riding into the kingdom . He sent messengers far and wide across the land , he had come to find his beloved at last . The two Princesses put on their best royal gowns with high lace necks to hide their broken hearts . Each of them raced to meet the prince . He smiled when he saw them , and asked if either of them had a necklace with a golden heart . He explained that years before , his Father had given a golden heart to the one he was to marry , and he had the key . The two sisters were so ashamed at this , that they ran weeping back into the palace with their broken hearts and locked the door behind them , not daring to look at the Prince 's beautiful shining face . The prince knew at once what had happened , and pleaded with the Princesses to open the gates . It was no use . The two sisters refused to listen to his words . At last , he left the castle and went into the wild to search for the last Princess . Princess Priscilla was lonely . She had waited for her prince such a long time , her beautiful gowns had worn to rags . She was beginning to wonder if he would ever come for her , and would he know she was a princess , dressed in rags ? But still , she knew that when he came , she would know him , and she believed that he was searching for her , even today . She decided to take a walk in the meadow and pray . When she found a field of buttercups , she lay down and soon fell fast asleep . When she awoke , the sun was in her eyes , and she couldn 't see the man on the steed before her . " Hello , my Princess . " he said , and in that moment , she knew . She knew him just by the sound of his voice , a voice she had heard in her dreams , but never knew until this moment . She unfastened the chain with on heart , and handed it to her prince . It was whole and beautiful , and he smiled when he saw it and took her hand in his . On their wedding night , he told his bride the story of her sisters . He only wished that they hadn 't locked him out and refused to hear his message . He had come to tell them that even if their hearts were broken in pieces , they had only to ask , and he would gladly fix them . His Father had taught him the sacred art , and given him the tools to mend broken hearts . All the poor , broken hearted sisters had to do was to ask his forgiveness , but in their bitterness , they had locked him out . " You see , my love , I have two brothers , and each of them still waits for his bride . My Father sent me to bring back their bride 's for them . There is room in our kingdom for all … but they had to forgive themselves , and this was something your sisters would not do . " Still , the Prince will not give up . His Father gave each of the Princesses a golden heart , and each has a place prepared for her in His Kingdom . So it is that each year , when the first blossoms break through the mountain snow , the Prince makes the long journey back to the castle . He always takes his tools to mend their broken hearts , and he always hopes this will be the year they unlock the gates . Midwest City , OK 731101 - 405 - 706 - 8622 Disclaimer This blog exists for informational purposes only . Posts should NOT be regarded as medical advice . No author or commentator shall be liable for advice given . It is every parent 's responsibility to determine whether camel milk , donkey milk , specific supplements , the ACC protocol or other biomedical interventions are appropriate for their child . Furthermore , dosing for vitamins and supplements needs to be tailored to an individual 's needs with the help of a professional . Thank you for reading and , please share with those in need of hope ! |
Introduction : These short stories were written over the course of a few years . Figured I 'd do a quick editing job and post them . Most have exhibitionism , some have younger girls . Any comments or constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated ! And keep in mind that you 're not going to like all of them . . . 1 Alex 's heart was racing as she sat the quarters down on one of the washing machines . The laundromat was empty , and she prayed it stayed that way . She took a deep breath and opened the lid . The laundromat was in the basement of her apartment building . It was pretty busy during the day , but at night there was rarely anyone there . Alex hesitated a moment longer , looking toward the door , then pulled her shirt up over her head . She hesitated once more , knowing that the sooner she got it over with , the better , then slid her shorts down her long slender legs . She had found out in college that acts of voyeurism turned her on ; some people would call her an exhibitionist ( some others would call her a slut ) . She had felt moisture between her legs right after she stepped out of her apartment ( stepping out actually confirmed that she was going to go through with this ) . Now she found that her legs were wobbly . Her shirt and shorts went into the washer , then her bra followed . Finally she worked up the courage to slip out of her panties , and she dropped them in with the rest . Now she was completely naked , with nothing to cover herself . Being so naked and exposed in the frequently used laundromat sent a spark of lust between her thighs . Alex put quarters in the machine and set it to wash . It would take twenty minutes to wash them and ten to rinse . They 'd probably dry pretty quickly . She had killed time when she first got here , so she thought it was only fair to set the timer up five minutes . She had accidentally leaned against the machine , and found that the metal was extremely cold to skin that wasn 't used to being bare . She braced herself before she sat down , but found that plastic , though cold , wasn 't nearly as cold . Leaning back a little , she sat with her arms at her sides and her legs tightly together . Part of what she agreed to if she had lost the bet was that she had to shave between her legs . That left her feeling even more exposed , but she had to admit that she liked it that way . Thinking she had heard something , Alex saHolly lay on top of the comforter on her bed . Her gown had been tossed aside , and her panties were around her ankles . One hand was playfully pinching her nipple , the other stroking her slit . Holly had a bit of a voyeurist streak in her . Sometimes she would leave the door cracked while she changed clothes . The only ones that might catch a glimpse of her would be her parents or Jimmy , her older stepbrother . Still , she found the idea exciting . Sometimes , she would sneak out of the house , strip all her clothes off , and finger - fuck herself in the back yard . She lived in a small neighborhood , but they had a privacy fence around their back yard and it was always dark anyway . The thrill of being naked outside and the thrill of being caught excited her tremendously , but lately it had become too . . . routine . A lot of the thrill had gone . She thought and thought about how she could make it more exciting , and actually seriously considered turning the back porch light on while she masturbated . She knew she wouldn 't , though . It was too risky and she wasn 't that brave . . . yet . She did , however , find a solution to her problem ; tonight , after her parents went to bed , she would sneak out the back door as she always did . . . except she would leave all her clothes in her bedroom . From the time she left her bedroom to the time she got back , she would be completely naked . She 'd walk naked down the hall , straight past her brother 's door , naked through the living room , naked through the kitchen . . . and finally , naked while she masturbated on the back porch . And of course , she would have no other choice but to make the trip back naked . Everything was quiet , and had been for a little while . She sat up , slipped her panties off her feet and dropped them on the floor next to her nightgown . She got off the bed and moved toward the door , pulling it open just a crack . She listened intensely . There was nothing for a while , then she thought she heard something from the direction of her parents ' bedroom . Deciding to wait a little longer ( she hated to thinkAnita was shy by nature ; she wasn 't the type of girl that wore tight shirts and short skirts . Today was a different story , though . She had lost a bet to Jenny , her best friend , and that left her in nothing but the skimpiest bikini she had ever seen during her trip to the beach . The bottom was really nothing more than a few strings with a small , narrow triangle to cover her female parts , and the top was a big band about two inches wide that went all the way around her . She 'd had to shave all of her pubic hair off to keep any from being visible . The deal was that she had to wear it to the beach and stay there at least thirty minutes . Anita thought it would be one of the most humiliating days of her life . What she never would have guessed in a million years was that she would be turned on by all the looks the guys were giving her . Some whistled , some winked at her . . . and some openly stared . The girls hadn 't exactly had the same reaction . . . except for the blonde in the blue two - piece . She got in the water for a while , then lay down on the wet sand . She hadn 't brought a towel ( Jenny said that she would be tempted to cover up with it ) . The tide was receding . The waves collapsed on the beach and came up high enough to wet her feet . Guys stared . A familiar sensation tingled between her legs . She had only been with two guys in her entire life , and picking up some stranger would normally be an absurd idea , but now she actually considered it . It was either that or get herself off when she got back . Besides , she didn 't think it would be too hard to find a guy willing to go home with her . A guy coming out of the water walked past her , looking at her and smiling as he did . She smiled back . She turned over on her stomach , giving her back a chance to tan . When it was time to go , she got up and started for her car . She changed her mind , however , when she saw the public showers . They were small and square , much like a public toilet , but outside , and with a shower instead of a shitter . If she washed off at the beach , she would just get sand all over her legs again , almost up to her thighs . Rinsing off there , however , only the bottom of her feet would be dirty . She stepped in one of the booths and turned the knob . The cold water made her step back against the door and gasp at the same time . She splashed some on her to get used to it , then stepped back in front of the stream . It warmed up considerably by the time she had rinsed herself . She noticed her top had fallen down enough to expose most of one nipple . She started to adjust it to cover herself up , but instead she rubbe " Mandy , " Mr . Brown repeated . " Um , yes ? " " Would you like to try and answer the question ? " " I . . . I don 't - - " " Yes , I know you didn 't hear me . " Mr . Brown stepped up to the board and scribbled out an algebra equation . " Mandy , we 've probably got . . . five minutes left in this class . If you can solve this equation before the bell rings , you won 't have to stay for detention . " " But I - - " " If you had been paying attention , you 'd know how to work it . But please , do try . " Mandy reluctantly stood up and walked to the board . Ordinarily she wouldn 't have given a damn about detention or the extra attention she was receiving , but fate had played a cruel joke on her : she was the only one in the class that was completely naked , from the top of her head to her neatly trimmed toenails . It was this very thing that she had been pondering , which led to her being called to the front of the class . No matter how much it was explained to her , Mandy couldn 't understand why they had to pose as nudists in a small hick town like Alberta , Georgia . The way she saw it , someone in the WPP had played a cruel joke on them , and there was nothing they could do about it . The only good thing about this was that she wasn 't using her real name . Mandy took the piece of chalk from Mr . Brown ( that name also sounded phony to her ) and , for a moment , only stared up at the overly - complicated math problem . She tried not to think about what the rest of the class was looking at . She tried not to think about how exposed her whole body was , and had been all day . But that was hard to do when you were standing naked in front of an audience . Mandy thought she might 've seen such a problem as this before . After simplifying it , she would have to cross - multiply . She started writing in her shaky chalkboard handwriting . She messed up , and when she reached for the eraser , she accidentally knocked it off the shelf of the chalkboard . It occurred to her that she had never been this clumsy before . It also occurred to her that she would have to bend over to pick it up . This she did quickly and without thinking , flashing the class a brief but fantastic view of pussy lips . She couldn 't cover up or hide herself , or they would know she wasn 't really a nudist . She wouldn 't have cared about that , either , if her mom hadn 't threatened to make her join the cheerleading squad . Yeah , her mom really had it hard . She also had to stay nude , and every once in a while It was Jennifer 's idea , so Emily ended up picking the game . To everyone 's surprise , Britney played too . " You know , Britney , " Jen said , " if you lose , you 'll be dancing in the nude for your own brother . You don 't think that 's gross ? " Britney just shrugged her shoulders . " It 's not like he 's gonna touch me or anything . " " Whatever , " Emily said . " Just as long as you don 't chicken out . " " So how are we gonna do this ? " Jen said . Emily spoke up : " Okay , you all know how to play Texas Hold ' em , right ? " The other two nodded . Bill , who sat in the corner , watched with intensity . " Good . Whoever ends up with all the chips is the winner . Since there are three of us , the two losers will have to play another hand to decide who strips . " " Why don 't we just say whoever runs out of chips first loses ? " Britney asked . Emily shrugged her shoulders . " Fine by me , " Jen said . Emily shuffled the cards and dealt two out to everyone . . . . Even though she was only fourteen , Emily was almost an expert at Texas Hold ' em . She couldn 't believe she had just lost to two amateurs like Britney and Jennifer . " Woohoo ! " Britney said , standing up , and made a gesture as if she were a stripper taking off her bra . " Somebody 's gonna get nekkid . " Emily 's face burned a bright red . " Take it off , girl ! " Jen said . Bill , who had been quiet nearly the whole time , continued to sit patiently , his eyes fixed on Emily 's slender figure . " But . . . " Emily said . " You 're not chickening out , are you ? " Britney said . " Because I 've still got the pictures . Want me to email them ? " Emily said nothing , only sat in silence . When they had first thought of the idea , they all decided it would be best if they took some nude pictures of each other , just in case the loser backed out . Emily almost shuddered when she thought how she spread her legs apart , then her pussy lips , in front of the camera . They had taken quite a few , with her face in at least three of them . No , her life would be over if Britney emailed them . Slowly , she stood up and started dancing , as if erotic music were playing . She couldn 't bear to look at him , looking at her , so she closed her eyes . Her shirt was the first thing to go , of course , then she wiggled out of her pants . She had to open her eyes as she did so , and that only made her more aware of everyone 's eyes on her petite body . She danced slowly , dreading the next part . Finally , when she could put it off no longer , she reached behind her and unfastened her bra , turning around so they couldn 't see her bare breasts at first . She danced on , hugging her body ( and for a long time concealing her breasts from prying eyes ) . Never in a million years had she thought she would lose against Britney and Jennifer . That 's the only reason she agreed to this ridiculous idea in the first place . She wondered if they hadn 't cheated . Emily turned sideways - it was the most concealing position - as she slid her panties off her hips and down her long , slender legs . " See ? " Britney chimed in . " He said he wants to see your cunny up close , " and she giggled at her own words . " Come on , be a good little doggy . Come over here and stand in front of him . " Emily hesitated , then gave in . She had to do what Britney wanted , or her pictures would get sent out . She stood directly in front of him and spread her legs , as directed . When Britney was satisfied , she had Emily turn around and touch her toes . It was humiliating enough just being naked in the same room as the boy for whom she carried a secret crush . Why did Britney have to torture her like this ? " Hey , I 've got an idea , " Britney said " We can all play again , and if Emily loses , she has to fuck him . " Emily wasn 't appalled by the idea ; not at fucking Bill , her secret love . But if that meant Britney and Jen would be watching the whole time , possibly even teasing her , then yes , she was appalled by it . " Hey , wait a minute ! " she protested . " You can 't do that ! " Britney laughed . " I can and I did . " " But how 's that fair to me ? Shouldn 't you have to fuck him if you lose ? " " I 'm not naked . And I 'm not fucking my own brother . But , to make it fair . . . " Britney put her finger to her mouth and paced around the room . " If Jen or I lose , the loser just has to get naked and masturbate . Fair ? " Both the other girls looked at her like she was crazy . " I 'm not playing , " Emily said . It took her a minute to work up the courage to speak . She thought standing naked in front of friends might sometimes do that to people . " You lost , " Britney said . " You don 't have a choice . " " I 'm not playing , " Emily repeated . " Then leave if you want , but your clothes stay here . " Britney waited to see what Emily 's response was . Emily could have argued her point further , but she knew there was no use . " This is the last one , " she said . " No more after this . " " Of course not , " Britney said , smiling . 6 The Colt was only two blocks from Harry and Maddie 's apartment , and tonight there would be a live show performed by Medini the Hypnotist . Harry wanted to go , but Maddie 's mood almost made him want to just say fuck it and stay home . Maddie didn 't believe in hypnotism , and that 's why he thought she was being such a bitch ( and since when did she need a reason , anyway ? ) . They got to the restaurant and ordered . Harry hardly touched his . He was like a kid at his first trip to the circus : he couldn 't wait for Medini to come out and perform . Of course , hypnotism wasn 't the only trick he would perform ; he was also an illusionist . " Can you honestly tell me that you wouldn 't rather be at home in front of the tv with a cold beer ? " she asked . That whiny quality of her voice had returned . " No , I can 't , honestly . " " Well try lying , then . " After this last bit , Harry tuned her out completely . Medini came out unexpected ; one minute there was nothing , and the next . . . poof ! A ball of smoke appeared out of nowhere and faded , and there he was . After introducing himself , he said he would hypnotize someone for his first trick . Maddie had the nerve to stand up in front of all those people and say that he was a fake ; that the whole thing was a setup , with someone in the audience acting out whatever he told them to . " Well , why don 't you come on up and find out for yourself , " he said . Harry honestly didn 't think she would do it , but she proved him wrong . She climbed up on the stage , flustered . " I take it you 've never been hypnotized before ? Don 't worry , it doesn 't hurt a bit . " She glared up at him and , following his direction , sat down and stared at the old - fashioned pocket watch as it swung back and forth . In a few moments , Medini asked her to stand up and she did so . Harry noticed she didn 't look flustered anymore , and for a moment , he could hardly believe it himself ; was she really hypnotized ? " What is your full name ? " " Madeline Ann Pritchett . " " Well , Miss Pritchett , tell me : have you ever shaved between your " No . " " Well , stand right over here , " Medini said , indicating a well - lit area to his immediate left , " and take your clothes off . Fold ' em up nice and neat , if you will . " Now Harry was in full disbelief . She was already down to her underwear when Medini said , " Hold up , stop for just a second . He turned toward the crowd and looked directly at Harry . " You don 't have a problem with . . . " he twirled his finger , indicating the stage , " this right here , do ya ? Because it 's not too late for Miss Pritchett to keep at least a little bit of her dignity . " " Oh , no , go ahead , " Harry said . He was sincere , even more so than when he said ' I do ' . " Okay , Miss Pritchett , take it all off , and don 't forget to fold ' em up . " To his utter amazement , he watched as his young , better - than - thou wife stepped out of her panties on the stage . The crowd cheered softly , and there were a few whistles . Harry , along with the rest of the males in the audience , watched intently as she bent over to fold her clothes , which lay on a chair nearer the back of the stage . Her shirt fell to the floor , and when she bent over to retrieve it , Harry realized he could see everything . Medini himself watched her between occasional glances toward the crowd . " Quite a girl , " he said , smiling . That got a little laugh from the crowd . Turning back to her , he said , " Okay , now put your clothes down on the stage and sit down on the chair . " All of the men and some of the women watched her intently . Medini disappeared behind the stage for a moment , then returned with a razor , a can of shaving cream , and a pan of water . After he instructed her to spread her legs and shave herself , he turned back to the audience . " Now , who wants to be hypnotized ? Do I have a volunteer from the audience ? " No one volunteered . " Don 't worry , I 'm not gonna humiliate you . Well , not like her , at least . " Still , no one offered . " Okay , I guess you guys just wanna sit there and ogle the naked brunette , eh ? I don 't blame you . She 's quite a looker . Tell you what , l " Don 't worry , you don 't got nothin ' to worry about . Just one quick trick . Most of the audience will probably be looking at her anyway , " indicating Maddie . " Besides , I promise , you won 't be naked here on this stage . Okay ? " " Well . . . okay . " Medini set his watch in motion once more , as he said , most of the crowd was watching Maddie as she rinsed her freshly shaved pussy . When she was finally all clean , she stood up and waited for Medini to give her more orders , just as she had been told to do . When Medini had the new girl under his control , he ordered her to bark like a dog . She did so obediently . The few that were watching clapped . " Now , my good fellows , if you would be so kind as to direct your attention over here for a moment , I promise you won 't be disappointed . " With that , he told the new girl to step out of her dress , and she did so . The dress she had been wearing didn 't allow for a bra , so she stood there in nothing but her sheer panties . She was soon told to discard them as well , and did so obediently . " Now , didn 't I tell you ? " he said to his attentive listeners . She 's almost as hot as Miss Smooth Shaved , isn 't she ? No , even hotter ! " Turning back to her , he said , " Walk down the stage and back a few times so everybody can get a good look at you , dear . " The girl did , and Harry was pretty sure that , for the moment , not many people were looking at his wife , himself included . Medini looked at the audience . " What ? I didn 't lie . She 's still wearing her earrings . " He stopped her after she had made three trips . After instructing her to put on her clothes , he woke her up . " See , there ? I told you you had nothing to worry about , didn 't I , dear ? " He helped her off the stage , lowering her back down with one hand . Abruptly , he turned to Maddie . " Oh , that 's right , I forgot to make them kiss , " he said , looking at his other victim . Most of the audience didn 't know whether or not he was joking . For the rest of the show , Maddie was his personal assistant and volunteer . Nobody bothered guessing how he pulled off his illusions ; they all had other things on their mind . The pretty girls that usually assisted illusionists couldn 't even compare to this . At the end of the show , he had Maddie stand at the front of the stage , and he once again disappeared behind the curtain . He came back with a saucepan and a jar of milk . Setting it down behind her , he filled the pan full , and told her to lap it up like a cat . She did so happily , her butt sticking up in the air . With the spotlight on her , it left nothing to the imagination . When she finished , he apologized to the audience before telling her to get dressed again and waking her up . Maddie stood with a triumphant look on her face when Medini explained to her that he couldn 't hypnotize her , but she was a bit puzzled when he said goodnight to everyone , and even more confused when she saw the time . Harry was thankful that Medini told her not to mind how her pubes had gotten shaved . In two weeks Medini was doing a show in some restaurant downtown . He thought he 'd go , maybe even take Maddie . 7 Ashley and Kate had been playing the game for a full week now . Now it was Ashley 's turn to guess who . Science class was where the game usually took place , and she walked carefully into the room and took her seat , looking all around . Last time she thought Erin had it , because he went so far as to look over and wink at her . Later she found out that Kate had put him up to it . The stakes were pretty high : if she didn 't guess who held the remote , she would have to sleep with him ( or her , as Kate told her this morning ; all bets were off ) . She was hardly concerned with what Mr . Harad was saying ; she was too busy looking around the room . Suddenly she straightened up in her chair ; whoever had the remote had just pushed the button for the first time , for the vibrator in Ashley 's pussy buzzed to life and almost made her moan outright . She looked around once again , the vibrator still giving her waves of pleasure . That ruled out at least five guys , unless they had the remote hidden away in their shoe . But what about girls ? Ashley had never been with another girl , and had no desire to . She resolved to keep a closer eye on everyone . The vibrator stopped . Thank God . Ashley had almost came right in the middle of class . She just hoped she could fight it off again . The thought had crossed her mind that Kate herself was holding it this time , but Kate didn 't seem like the lesbian type . Although . . . they were pretty close . Two guys had already winked at her ( one of which she had already ruled out ) , and now a girl did the same and smiled . The vibrator buzzed to life inside her , and she once again sat straight up and suppressed a moan . Whoever it was had good timing ; they had caught her off guard both times . " Is there a problem , Ashley ? " Mr . Harad said , breaking away from his lecture . " No , sir , " she said , then , " Well , yes sir . May I go to the bathroom ? " Harad sighed . " Alright , but hurry back . You don 't need to miss the material I 'm covering . " Ashley hurried out the door and down the hallway . The vibrator stopped again . SheShe grabbed onto the desk in one last attempt to stop from climaxing , but it was useless . Waves of pure pleasure pulsed through her young body , and she held on for dear life . She knew Harad would figure it out when he saw the wet spot on her jeans , but for a brief moment , she didn 't care . Finally she collapsed onto the desk . Harad didn 't say anything ; he fished in his pocket , and put the little vibrator remote on the desk . " When Kate first told me about this , I was sure she was full of it , " he said . Ashley 's mouth was still hung open from shock . She didn 't even notice what he was doing until he had her pants ( and panties ) off her hips . She had to put a hand behind her to stop the vibrator from slipping out . He pulled her pants off over her shoes and walked around her desk . " You wanna fuck me here ? " she said . She was almost glad . She was glad it was him and she wanted him now more than ever . " No , I just thought you might wanna wear some clean pants to last period . " With that , he pulled a clean pair of pants her size out of one of her desk drawers . " No panties , sorry . You , uh . . . you gonna wear that thing to last period ? " he asked , indicating what she held behind her . She finally managed to wipe the shocked expression off her face and she smiled at him . " Maybe , " she said , and thrust her ass into the air so he could see her moving the vibrator in and out of her slick little hole . He turned red in the face . " Well . . . here , better get going , " he said , handing her the pants . " How 'd you know what size to get , " she asked . " Kate told me . " " So . . . your place after school ? " she asked . " That 'd be great . " Kim knew she was pretty , and sometimes she worked to show it off . On this particular evening , she wore a very short skirt , showing a lot of leg . It had turned cold , and that made her nipples stick straight out through her thin cotton shirt . She was a very adventurous girl , always trying new things . Nobody topped her at truth or dare . This evening , however , she found that she had taken things too far . It wasn 't just cold , but windy too . Her skirt was of the pleated variety , and it often blew back and forth - - twice , it had blown straight up . She wore a red thong , but had even taken that off and stuffed it in her purse . The wind gave a violent push and her skirt came up - - not just a little , either . The waistband came up to the bottoms of her breasts . She gasped and looked around her - - not a fake ' oopsie ' gasp but a genuine one - - and saw no one . She started to readjust her skirt , then hesitated . Then she readjusted it , but slowly . Kim lived near the river and often frequented the little swimming hole known as Break Point . In the summer it was usually crowded , but you didn 't see too many people this time of year . There was only the occasional family picnic in the park area . There was no one here today , however , and she playfully slid her skirt down to her knees before sitting on the cold swing . She looked around mischievously . The skirt was now around one ankle , and the wind threatened to take it from her . She half buried it with some sand using her feet , and enjoyed swinging in the cold breeze . She stopped in a hurry when the wind finally did carry her skirt off . The wind carried it a little , threw it down , then picked it up again . Kim almost had a grip on it when it took off for the third time , and blew into the middle of the road , where it came to a stop . There was not one car coming , but two . Kim was already standing beside the road , in plain sight when the cars had come into view . She could run . . . or she could get her skirt back . In an instant she decided , and leaped toward the road . She instinctively turned away fromKim was an exhibitionist . She had pretty much known that . At night , when her parents and big brother were asleep , she would walk around the house naked . Make a sandwich , go to the bathroom . . . she had even grown accustomed to sitting in her dad 's chair , or sprawling out on the couch , while watching tv in the living room at night . Once , someone actually had woken up . She almost freaked when she heard a door open . Luckily she was small , just small enough to squeeze under the couch . The rough wood hurt her hard nipples as she had done so , but it almost felt good . Footsteps came into the living room , and the tv clicked off . Then they moved to the bathroom , then back to bed . Kim lay under the couch , one hand between her legs . That had been fun - - boy , hadn 't it ! - - but it was nothing compared to her new experience . For the first time ever , she had been caught . She had been seen , and by a complete stranger . Actually , there had been at least two , and she would wager that there was more than one person in each car . In the shower that evening , Kim had the best orgasm she had ever had . And after everyone was asleep , she sat on the back porch and brought herself off twice . She would have to have more . Her need for it was awesome and horrible . After rinsing off , Kim returned to her room . She didn 't put anything on until the next morning , but she wondered all night what she should wear to school the next day . 9 Every year , during summer vacation , Henry would take Stacy to the cabin by the lake , and every year they would end up hiking through the woods to the foot of the mountains and camp there for the night . Stacy was getting older now . Fourteen . Her interests had been slowly but surely changing , as was her body . Henry was only Stacy 's stepdad , but he looked at her like his own . But of course he saw her body changing , and he knew what it meant : boys . He knew all too well the kind of boys Stacy 's young , slender body would attract . Hadn 't he been one himself , once upon a time ? Henry knew the little girl that wanted him to read her bedtime stories was gone . He just wanted one more hiking trip before he lost her completely . This year she hadn 't shown any interest at all at their annual trip . He talked about it , and when she would protest , he would wave it off with something like ' Aww , come on , it 'll be fun ! ' He knew that if he were lucky enough to get her to go , it would be their last trip . . . . It was light enough to see without a flashlight at their little campsite . Henry usually planned the trip to where they would be camping under a full moon , and this year was no exception . Henry was snoring away , seemingly loud enough to wake the dead . Stacy silently slipped out of her sleeping bag . Taking care not to step on any twigs , she snuck away from the little campsite . She wouldn 't get lost , she knew . The moon was bright and she could tell what direction she was going because from here she could see the foot of the mountain . She walked a ways northward , coming up on a little stream that ran down from the mountain . Good , she thought . A place to wash off . Slipping out of her tight jeans ( no panties today ) , she threw her shirt aside also . On her knees , she spread her legs apart and started masturbating furiously . She fantasized about Kyle . Kyle and his silk tongue that felt every bit as good in her pussy as it did in her mouth . She fantasized that Kyle was thinking of her right now and stroking his big , thick shaft . She hadn 't actually seen his penis yet , but she and her girlfriends had watched many pornos together , giggling at first , of course , then . . . Stacy suddenly leaned forward , placing her free hand on the ground . Her other hand worked faster , and she felt the warm liquid stream down , wetting her hand , then her arm . The stream was colder than she had imagined . She only washed off briefly before getting back out and discovering that her clothes were gone . Hadn 't they been right there , next to the big pine tree ? No , she must be mistaken , because they weren 't there . It 's not like they just got up and walked off . She had searched for her clothes some thirty minutes when she heard something , maybe a twig snapping . It had come from the far side of the creek . She didn 't dare call out to see if anyone would answer . It was usually very noisy out here in the summer , especially at night , but things seemed to have grown quiet . Suddenly Stacy was scared . Scared enough to abandon all hope of finding her clothes and return to camp naked , even though she knew she didn 't have so much as a scrap of cloth to wear . It was better than finding out what had made the noise on the other side of the creek . Henry remained sound asleep , as he had been . She searched the supply bag in vain for something to cover herself with . She knew now that she would have to tell Henry ; shit , she wouldn 't have to tell him . Unless he had packed a sewing kit and was willing to cut up one of their sleeping bags , she would be hiking back to the cabin in nothing but her shoes . Sleep came hard knowing what would come in the morning , although she found the idea strangely exciting . She awoke to the smell of sausage . " Get up , sleepyhead , " Henry said . " Come on , let 's eat so we can get back to the cabin . You 've already overslept . " " Dad . . . there 's something I 've got to tell you , " she said , all thoughts of sleep vanishing . " Well tell me while you eat , " he said , flipping them with a fork . " No . . . dad . . . " she trailed off . How did you begin to tell such a thing as she had to tell ? " Dad , what 's the most embarrassing thing that 's ever happened to you ? " " One time , I went to school , and when I saHe stopped and looked up at her . " Well , I . . . I guess it was when I was in the fourth grade . I fell asleep at the desk because the teacher told us we could talk quietly among ourselves while she stepped out . A few boys thought it would be funny to put my hand in warm water to see if I would actually pee my pants . " They were both silent for a moment . " I kinda . . . umm . . . last night I lost my clothes in the woods . " He had went back to his sausage , poking them with the fork . Now he looked at her , and saw that she wasn 't joking . " What the hell ? " he said , half giggling , half serious . " I lost my clothes in the woods . . . " she said , trailing off . There was another silence , this one longer . " You 're serious ? " he said at last . She looked up at him . It was hard meeting him eye to eye , but she managed . " Well . . . I don 't know what to tell you . I see you still got your shoes , at least , " he said , indicating her sneakers , which lay beside her . " You want some sausage ? " They ate , Stacy half sitting up in her sleeping bag . When everything had been packed except for her sleeping bag , she reluctantly crawled out and slipped into her shoes . " You know , it 's a bit heavy , but . . . you could always carry your sleeping bag over your shoulder . It would be better than nothing . " She hadn 't thought of that . She tried it , though , and after a very short distance , she simply asked Henry to roll it up and strap it onto his pack . It had been a little heavy , yes , but with the humid heat they were in , she would rather do without . Despite the heat , Stacy 's arms remained folded in front of her for a long while , even though she walked behind Henry . After a while , she gave that up too . Why had she been out in the woods masturbating , anyway ? Stupid . She could have at least waited one night , until they got back to the cabin . " Read any good books lately ? " Henry asked . It had become sort of a joke between them . Henry would say it whenever he couldn 't think of anything else to say , and soon she had started saying it . After another long silence , Stacy said , " I was just washing off in the stream . " " I don 't wanna know , " he said . " None of my business . " " So you 're not mad at me ? " " Mad at you ! " he exclaimed , and , perhaps forgetting her condition , he turned around and looked at her . Instinctively she covered her breasts and , almost immediately after , he turned his head away and at the same time put a hand up as if to shield his eyes . " Why would I be mad at you ? Whatever you were doing was your own business . " He resumed walking . " So . . . what are you saying ? " " I 'm just saying it was your business and not mine . It 's not like you did anything bad , right ? " They walked on for a while . Pretty soon they stopped for lunch . Henry brought out two ziplock bags that contained their ham and cheese sandwiches . Henry , having concern for Stacy , sat facing away from her while they ate . " So what did you mean it was my business ? You don 't care that I 'm out here naked ? " " Well , there 's not really anybody here to see you except me . I mean , it 's not like you 're standing in the middle of a busy street , or anything . And it wasn 't even on purpose . You just lost your clothes . It 's not like you were doing anything wrong . What could you possibly have done ? " Henry didn 't see her face go red . She knew that 's not what he meant , but his statement simply reminded her of what she had been doing out there . And how could he not know , unless he really believed she had been bathing ? After eating , they reluctantly started back . Stacy turned Henry 's words over in her mind . Henry didn 't care that she was naked ? Did that mean he didn 't care if she walked around the house naked ? The idea itself turned her on . She came up with a plan . Well , it wasn 't really a plan ; more like an experiment . She moved faster , passing by Henry easily . He said nothing . She continued her quick pace until she was well ahead of him , then stopped and waited . Finally he caught up to her . She stood there waiting , intentionally not covering herself . " Slowpoke , " she said , and stuck out her tongue . " Well , I see you 've gotten over your shyness , " he said . After a pause , he added : " If you think I 'm so slow , why don 't you carry a few things ? " " You want me to ? " she offered . " No , no , I got it . " He had regretted saying it the moment it was out of his mouth . Her carry something ? What , and risk her covering up that beautiful ass , just when she had taken to walking in front of him ? Nuh - uh . They walked on , Stacy occasionally glancing behind her as if to make sure Henry was still there . Something on the ground had caught her eye , and she bent over to pick it up . Henry was more than happy with what he saw in front of him . All too soon , she straightened up . Turning around , Stacy showed him a large acorn . " What do you call the kind of tree that these grow on ? " " Umm , " he said , moving closer . Earlier he had gotten a brief glimpse of the neatly trimmed pubic hair in the shape of a V , but now he had a full view . " It 's some kind of oak , I 'm sure , but I couldn 't tell you the exact name . " " Oh , cool . " She threw it aside and continued on . It was near dark before they reached the cabin . They were both tired and sweaty , but Henry wished it could have lasted at least a little bit longer . He asked Stacy if she would help him put the gear away . When that was done , she started up the stairs . " Wanna help me with dinner ? " he asked . She stopped mid - step . " We 're not gonna shower first ? " He knew she hadn 't meant it in that way ( or had she ? ) , but his cock stirred at the mere thought of it . " Well , if you want to . " She smiled . " No , let 's go ahead and eat . " She bounced down the stairs and into the kitchen . Looked like it would be a little longer , at least , before she covered up that beautiful body . He hadn 't dared say anything while they put the equipment away , but now Henry just had to ask . " I thought you were eager to get back to a clean set of clothes . " " I . . . thought you didn 't mind . " " Well , before , you couldn 't get to any clothes , and I . . . I mean , no , I don 't mind . I was just , you know , wondering . " " Oh , well I can put some clothes on if you want , but since it 's just you and me here , I didn 't think you 'd mind . Besides , no point in messing up a clean suit of clothes before I get a shower . " Henry flipped the hamburgers over while Stacy cut up the cheese . When they were done with dinner ( Henry was very thankful that the kitchen table was made of glass ) , he helped her with the dishes . Stacy ran up the stairs and showered . When she came out , Henry was disappointed to see that she had slipped into her pjs . After showering himself , he went to bed , his mind on the more intricate details of his stepdaughter 's body . 10 It had been three weeks since Dan first noticed that he had a direct view of Vicky 's room from his window . With binoculars , he could see most of what went on in there , provided she didn 't shut the curtains , which she never did . Vicky was his next door neighbor and classmate . She was also one of the hottest girls in school , and one of the shiest . But Dan had a view that nobody else did . He wondered what his friends would think if they knew she liked to dance around in her ' barely there ' underwear . Dan was already up in his room and waiting when Vicky walked into hers and dropped her bookbag on the floor . Today had been a long day but now she was home , finally home , and immediately took her shirt off , followed by her jeans . She didn 't dare look toward the window , at the risk of scaring Dan off , if he was watching . She desperately hoped he was watching . Since she had caught him watching her , she had taken to stripping down to her underwear and , occasionally , dancing around the room . Afterwards , she would masturbate furiously in the shower . Jokingly , she dared herself to masturbate on her bed so Dan could see . She wondered if he was watching right now , but didn 't dare look . She wondered if he knew she knew she was being watched . Dan was watching , very intensely , as she slid those tight jeans off her butt . He prayed and prayed for the day when she would slide those jeans off her hips and they would drag her panties down with them . What a view that would be ! She strutted around the room and stopped in front of her mirror . To his amazement and utter delight , she unsnapped her bra and tossed it aside , giving him his first view of her naked breasts . The panties followed , and he watched with something close to hunger . Vicky stood in front of the mirror for a moment , posing for herself ( or so he thought ) . Then she lay down on the bed . Her hands moved across her body , toying with her nipples , moving downward , downward . Her legs spread wide . He didn 't have a direct view , but he definitely knew what she was doing . He wished foShe stood up and , to his amazement , walked over to the window and waved at him . Then the curtains closed . 11 The night was warm and dry . The coach had probably moved the game to seven thirty because it was so damn hot during the day . Even now it was hot enough to make her break a sweat . " Hi , " a guy said . " Your first game ? " " No , actually , I 've been to so many I lost count . " " And you 're with the home team ? " " Yeah . Jane . Kyle 's mom " " Carl . Nick 's dad . I 'm surprised I haven 't seen you before . You come to a lot of games ? " " Most of them , yeah . " " Oh . I just , I thought I would remember someone as pretty as you . " She smiled , then held up her hand , showing off her wedding band . " Oh . Sorry . Not sorry that you 're married , of course - well , I am , but - I 'm sorry , can we start over ? Hi , I 'm Carl , sorry about the cheesy pickup line , " he said , holding out his hand . She smiled and took his hand in hers . " Jane . It 's a pleasure to meet you , Carl . " " Likewise . " They sat , talking for a while . Carl was a really funny guy , and cute to boot . If she wasn 't married . . . oh , if she wasn 't married . . . " I 'm gonna go get a pepsi or something . You want anything ? " " Yeah , I could use a drink . " " Okay . What 'll it be ? " " You know what ? I don 't know . I think I 'll walk with you if you don 't mind . " " Okay . " They walked behind the metal bleechers . Carl put his arm around her and felt her tense against his touch . She stopped mid - step . " Oh . Oh , I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to - - " Without warning , she leaned forward and grabbed his head , their mouths coming together , their tongues locking . They moved up under the bleechers , still locked together . Carl broke the kiss . " You sure we should be doing this ? " he said . " No , " she said , looking at the ground and back up at him . she kissed him again , her tongue on his . His hand undid the button of her jeans and reached inside , caressing her pussy through thin panties . She dared let out a soft moan . " No , not here , " she said . " No one will see . " " But what if - - " " No one will see , " he repeated , his eyes on hers . Her eyes showed fear , then mischief with a touch of worry . It looked sexy on her . " Okay . " He kissed her neck , then moved down and lifted her shirt up enough to get his head under it . He kissed her belly , running his hands up under the cups of her bra , caressing her nipples with his fingertips . Then he moved down , kissing her flesh as he went . He pulled her jeans and panties down together , revealing a bush of light brown hair and , underneath , soft pink pussy lips . He kissed her there , then again . Then he ran his tongue along her slit , barely touching her sensitive flesh . Soon he was tongue - fucking her . It was all she could do to keep from moaning with obvious pleasure . " Stop . Carl , stop , " she said in a quiet but urgent tone . She pushed his head away . " What ? " he said . " I want to feel you inside me . Please ? " " Anything for a lady , " he said , smiling . She stepped out of her pants and lay them aside , then turned and put her hands against the wall of the bleechers for support . She felt him grab her hips , and for the moment was too excited to worry about who might see . In fact , the thought of getting caught only turned her on more . She waited impatiently to feel his cock inside her . He guided her legs , spreading them apart . Unzipping his pants , he took his cock in his hand and guided it to her waiting cunt . He teased her , running his head up and down her slit while she begged him to fuck her . Slowly , he slid into her , pulling her hips toward him as he did so . This woman was quite a find . Her perfect legs led up to an incredible ass . Carl couldn 't believe he had gotten her pants off behind the bleechers . He just hoped she didn 't regret it later . He hoped she didn 't regret him later . Now he was thrusting into her gently . She moaned in agreement and thrust her ass toward him . He noticed her breath had hastened even while his tongue was buried in her , and now her orgasm wasn 't far off at all . He wondered if she would be able to keep quiet when it finally hit her . He would soon find out . Jane was breathing hard now . He thrust a little harder and she reacted immediately , clapping one hand over her moBut she didn 't finish , because Carl was gone . She stood there for a moment , half bewildered . Before she got dressed , she would have to clean up a bit . . . but how ? She wiped the come off her leg with her bare hand , rubbing it between her fingers to feel it 's stickiness . It always fascinated her . She looked at it a moment , then wiped it off on the wall of the bleechers . She wiped her ass off as best she could , then squatted down and reached far between her legs . She started at the top of the crack of her ass and wiped downward . Despite her anger at Carl for leaving her in this predicament , she already wanted to feel him inside her again . But tonight had been a huge mistake , and she knew it . It was best that she never saw him again . But if she did . . . After some searching , she realized her panties were gone . So he was a thief , too ? It didn 't matter . He had probably wanted a souvenir . The next time they met , she would fuck him until he couldn 't stand up straight . Just then a horrible thought occurred to her : Carl had effortlessly snatched up her panties . He could have just as easily taken her pants as well . And what if he had done just that ? What would she have done then ? She didn 't know , but she was glad that her pants were now safely back on her hips . She had to get to the ladies ' room and clean up ; it was a hot night , and she was sweating like crazy . 12 Billy had just transferred from LSU to Florida State . After dislocating his elbow and shattering both bones in his right arm , he was pretty much useless on the field . He hadn 't lost his scholarship , but had been given the option to transfer . He opted for the campus that wasn 't seven hundred miles from home . He met Karen on his second day , and she invited him to a frat party , saying they would let him in if he was with her , even though neither one of them were members . He couldn 't believe his own luck , getting a date with a girl as hot as Karen . Her scent was intoxicating , and her tight jeans displayed her curves very well as she sauntered away . The party was at eight , and she was waiting outside when he walked up . " Hey stud . I missed you today . " " I missed you , too . " " Wanna go in and have some fun ? " " Sure , " he said . They walked hand in hand , and the guys at the door stopped them . " Hold on there , sweetheart . You can go in , but he can 't . " " Why not ? " she said in her innocent voice . " Because he 's not a member . " " And you can 't make an exception for me ? Just this once ? " " Well , maybe if you . . . " He made an obscene gesture , holding his hand in front of him and jacking back and forth . " I don 't think so . . . but what if we sign up for an event ? Like armwrestling ? " " What , you 're - - " " Sure . Billy 's gonna win , anyway . " " Don 't count on it . " " Karen , I don 't think - - " Billy said . " Well it 's a good thing armwrestling doesn 't require thinking . Come on . " " But I - - " " Come on , " she repeated , pulling him inside . " Karen , tell me you didn 't just bet that I 'd beat somebody at armwrestling . " " What if I did ? " " Then you 're probably gonna be - - " Disappointed was what he meant to say . Just then a large guy walked up to them . " Hey . You in the armwrestling competition ? " Karen nodded . He smiled . " Good . Finally found somebody dumb enough to go up against me . You the girl ? " " Yep , " Karen said , looking him over and for the first time not feeling so confident . The guy 's smile broadened . " Good . What 's his name ? " " Billy , " Billy said . " Then come on , Billy . In the main room . " Billy and Karen followed . Following the big guy 's lead , Billy sat down at a small table in one corner . The room grew quiet . Billy put his left hand forward . " Hey , this is a right - hand game . " " Come on , man , I hurt my right arm playing football . Let 's see if you can beat me with your left arm . " He laughed . " Hey , okay , left it is , as long as you promise not to say that again . " Billy thought for a moment about what he had said , then laughed himself . " Ready ? " the big guy said , putting his left arm on the table . " Yeah , " Billy said . He hoped Karen wasn 't too disappointed when he lost . . . and from what was said , he really wondered what was going on . " Go ! " a third guy said . The big guy got him halfway down right from the start . Billy held him there and managed to push him back up briefly , then his arm went down and he felt his knuckles touch the table . " Blake wins ! " the third guy said . The guys watching cheered . Billy walked back over to Karen . " Sorry , I tried to tell you - - " She walked away from him , completely ignoring him , he thought . She stood in the middle of the room . Someone put on some fast music and she started dancing . No way , he thought . Her shirt came off and she threw it aside . Her nipples were clearly visible through her lacy top , and she rubbed them while she danced . Billy wondered if she would be mad at him for losing . Almost as if she had picked up on this , she looked directly at him , pointed and smiled , then moved her hand down her flat belly , down inside the front of her pants . She danced for a wKaren lay down on the carpet , spreading her legs wide . The crowd offered a cheer of approval . She lay there , her eyes closed , a wide smile on her face . Her own juices flowed down her inner thighs . She forced her fingers as far as they would go , gasping and moaning . When her orgasm subsided , she sat up , her legs still spread . Her audience cheered . She stood up and walked over to Billy . " Whoa , " she said . " That was fun . " " It certainly was , " he said , still staring at her in half disbelief . " I 'm gonna go to the bathroom and wash up a bit . Wait right here , kay ? " " Sure . " She looked around for a moment , half confused . " Where 's my clothes ? " she said to no one in particular . No one answered . She looked at Billy and sighed . " Be right back . " Many watched her but , surprisingly , no one tried to grab her . Billy watched her walk down the hall and disappear into a doorway on the right . He waited patiently . She reappeared moments later . " You didn 't drive out here , did you ? " " No . Why ? " " Oh , no reason . I seemed to have misplaced my clothes , is all . " " Where do you stay ? " " A small frat house , about a mile down the road . Wanna walk me home ? " " Sure , " he said , and smiled . It was cool outside , the wind blowing gently . Karen didn 't ask for his shirt , but he took it off and handed it to her anyway . Lucky for him , it came down just to the beginning of her hips . She kissed him when they got to her door . " You 're not gonna invite me in ? " he said . " No . . . I think you 've had enough of me today . Maybe you can have some more tomorrow . " She pulled his shirt off and handed it to him . " Will you be wearing that outfit ? " he said . She smiled . " Maybe . " 13 Ayami was tall and slender , baby smooth skin with a light tan . Her shiny black hair was ponytailed in the back , bouncing along with her breasts in a tight tank top . Her cutoff shorts left only a thin strap of material between her legs , small enough to tell that her panties were white . She was a sixteen - year - old sex machine . Harold had been watching her every spare minute of the day . His wife either hadn 't noticed or didn 't care . Ayami was an exchange student from Kyoto . Harold had offered free boarding and meals , not knowing what he would get in return . Now he was glad he had signed up for this . If Hannah hadn 't noticed him eyeing the young girl , she had certainly noticed a change in their sex life : Harold wanted her every night , sometimes twice . Yesterday had been particularly exciting . It had happened completely by accident . Harold had been pulling up weeds and transplanting a few hyacinths and petunias . He came in and , not giving it a second thought , threw the bathroom door open in an attempt to wash his face and freshen up a bit . There in front of him stood a very beautiful , very naked Ayami . She looked up at him innocently , making no attempt to cover herself . Harold searched for words , any words , but found none . Instead he stepped backward out of the bathroom and shut the door . The image of the naked seventeen - year - old sex machine stood in his mind . Her breasts had been full , round , perfect , made for his hands . Her lips had been perfectly visible ; she had shaved her pubic hair off clean . She had turned slightly when he had opened the door , and the curves of her legs , of her ass cheeks , were smooth and intoxicating . One other thing about her that wouldn 't leave him alone . Ayami had been pale when she had first gotten here . Now she was tan , and Harold couldn 't recall seeing a single tan line on her young , vibrant body . The implications put a smile on his face . Now Harold took the tea off the hot stove eye and grabbed the empty pitcher . He nearly dropped it when Ayami walked into the room . She was naked from he " She didn 't . She just said she 'd be late , so you shouldn 't wait up . " " Oh . " That was good . Plenty of time to ogle the naked asian . Her curves were every bit as sweet as he 'd imagined . " I noticed you have a basketball goal behind the shed . " Harold almost had to shake himself to bring himself back to reality . " Oh , yeah , that 's been up a while . " " If you 're not too busy , maybe you could teach me how to play ? " " Sure , " Harold said . He was kinda disappointed , but basketball was a contact sport , so this had its plusses too . He regretted leaving her , but he had to find a basketball if they were to play . And no doubt he would have to find the air pump to air it up . Still , he should have sat there a moment or two longer . Just to watch her walk out of the room . It would have been worth it . There were two old basketballs in the shed , but they were both flat . He had no trouble finding the air pump , and the first one stayed firm . Harold wondered if she would say anything about his hard - on . It might scare the poor girl , he thought , but to feel her pressing up against him , it would be worth it . He dribbled the ball a few times , shot , missed , shot again and got nothing but net . " Pretty good , " Ayami said from behind him . " Out of practice , " he returned , looking back . She had brushed her hair and put on her tennis shoes that he had bought her , but that was all . From her head down to her ankles , she was still nude . " Out of uniform , " he mumbled . " Hmmm ? " " Only that getting the ball in the net is a good thing . " He explained the basic rules , two - and three - pointers , and the like , but found it hard to keep eye contact . He hoped she either didn 't notice or didn 't mind . " Okay , " she said . " You think you could show me how to shoot ? " " Sure , " he said . He passed her the ball . " Go ahead and bounce it off the backboard a couple of times . " She did , and both shots went in . " Good ! Now move back a little and try again . " She missed the first shot . " Can you help me ? " " You 're doing great , " he said . " No , I mean can you come here ? " Harold walked over to her . " Stand behind me , and show me how to hold the ball . " He got behind her , but was afraid that she would feel his hard - on and get scared . She moved back against him , surprising him , but she didn 't act like anything was wrong . Her ass was poking against him . He could smell her now , and she smelled like a perfectly fuckable young woman , smelled like sex any way she wanted it . His left hand rested on her breast . It was soft , baby smooth . His heart nearly leapt out of his chest when he realized what he had just done . " Sorry , " he said , stepping back . " For what ? " she said . He looked up at her and her face showed more actual concern than coyness . For the first time , he thought this girl might really be clueless . " Oh , well , it 's just . . . most people think it 's inappropriate to touch like that unless you 're married , or unless you 're a couple , you know . " " Oh . Well , I could put some clothes on if you like , but I thought you were enjoying it . " " No , no , I 'm fine , " he said . " It 's just , well , my wife wouldn 't appreciate it one bit . " Her face showed understanding , then she smiled . " Oh , I get it . But your wife 's not here . What 's the harm if she doesn 't find out ? " She moved closer , put her arms around him , placed one of his own hands on her butt . " See ? Nothing to be afraid of . " He resisted for a moment , leaning away from her . Then he let out a nervous laugh . " You 're right , I guesBasketball with Ayami was a lot of fun . She pretended to ignore his boner and he got to put his hands all over her body . Her skin was so tan and vibrant . Her butt was soft and round , and yet so firm . Her breasts bounced as she jumped around , which she did often , like a cheerleader . Ayami was a very slender and athletic girl , and she felt confident enough that she challenged Harold to a game . The game was one point a shot , to ten points . The stakes were that if Ayami won , Harold would also have to get nude , and if Harold won . . . Ayami promised he would get something nice . Ayami was agile and quick , but still an amateur at basketball . Despite the distractions and the frequent skin contact , Harold still won , six to ten . It had warmed up outside and they were both sweating . Harold had never been more turned on in his life . He was panting from the heat , both outer and inner . He watched as she bounded across the yard , her perfect ass making his hard - on ache . She disappeared inside the door , then reappeared just as quickly , holding something in her hand . That something turned out to be a dildo , and before she reached the relative safety of the back of the shed , she stopped and got on her knees , spreading them . Harold heard a car speed by and hoped whoever it was hadn 't been looking in their direction . ' What if Hannah comes home ? ' he thought . But at that moment he didn 't care . Ayami had slid the big rubber shaft inside her , and was thrusting it now , moaning and moving her hips with the motion . He thought he might cream his pants , but he didn 't care about that , either . All his attention went to the girl masturbating in his yard . Two more cars went by , but they didn 't honk , they didn 't slow down . They would have to be looking for something out in this direction to see her , anyway , he realized . But still , she was so open that she would masturbate in front of him ? That she would do it outside , where others might see ? This young , sweet little girl ? Sweat was coursing down her body . She worked the plastic dick inside her , putting real effort into it , getting real pleasure out of it . He could tell she was enjoying it . It was better than any porno that he had ever seen . Her gentle moans turned into sharp squeaks . Soon she dropped the dildo , and spread her lips with one hand while rubbing her clit frantically with the other . Liquid poured out from between her legs . It almost looked like she was peeing , but Harold knew better . She was coming . He nearly came , himself , at the sight of it . She collapsed backward onto her ass . She sat there , breathless , her hands propped on the ground between her legs . Her whole body was covered in sweat . Harold helped her up ( and gently brushed off her bare ass , what would any other gentleman do ? ) . They walked toward the house together . She didn 't say a word , only went into the bathroom and cut on the shower . The curtain was clear , and she had left the door wide open . Though she hadn 't invited him , he stood in the doorway and watched her . The water highlighted her beautiful skin . She pulled the curtain back and dried off , unashamed . Harold watched as she ditched her towel and brushed through her hair briefly . " Wanna give me a few more basketball tips before I cook us some dinner ? " " S - sure . " " But Alex , I can 't - - " Liz protested , but Alex cut her off . " Then you 're messing everything up for all of us . Look , you don 't have to do anything but be there , okay ? No flips , no kicks , just walk out onto the field at halftime . Me and the girls 'll go through the routine , but instead of you standing on top of the pyramid , it 'll be Jane . I 'll be second from the top , and we 'll get a junior to take my place on bottom . " " But I can 't - - " " Unless you hold your skirt up , no one will ever know . " Liz offered a final , pleading glance . Alex didn 't give in . " If anything goes wrong . . . anything at all . . . I 'm blaming you . You 're responsible , got that ? " " Don 't worry , " Alex said . " But don 't you dare chicken out on me . If you do , me and the rest of the cheerleaders 'll strip you naked on the bus to Atlanta . " Alex darted for the door . There was a surprisingly big crowd out at the Thomasville game . She would have felt a little better if this was an away game , but no luck there . This was all in front of the bleachers , on the football field at the school that she knew so well . This was in front of all her friends and enemies . The wind gave an encouraging gust that almost lifted the back of her skirt . Nobody was around to see , but it still made her go back into the locker room . But Alex hadn 't been kidding about the bus ride to Atlanta . Alex 's very own dad drove the bus for away games , and some pretty crazy stuff went on . Yes , her fear of being stripped naked in front of the football team and having to stay naked until they got back to Newton was a very real and very justified fear . That fear urged her on , and she found herself walking out onto the football field , walking , not running . The wind blew lightly between her legs , teasing her . She knew why Alex wanted her out on the field . Not only was Liz the head cheerleader , but she was the girl that Alex looked up to . Alex couldn 't perform her best without Liz . It wasn 't a bi - curious thing ; Liz was straight and Alex knew it . It was more like a best friend thing . Tasha , a fellow cheerleader , was running toward her . " Kneel ! " she said . Liz quickly dropped to her knees , her fingers laced together . Her hands also held her skirt down ; she just hoped she hadn 't knelt fast enough to show the people behind her what she wasn 't wearing under her skirt . Tasha stepped into her hands and she thrust the girl upward with all her strength . Tasha went high and cut a double flip in the air before coming to rest on solid ground . The crowd cheered . For Tasha , she hoped . The cheerleaders went through their normal routine , minus Liz . Instead , Liz waved to the crowd and allowed a few small stationary bounces . She had to look like a cheerleader , after all . The two middle girls jumped down , leaving Jane to fall into the others ' arms . They caught her , all right , but for a moment Liz thought that , because of the junior cheHer skirt hadn 't bounced too high , but it was puddled around her ankles . The first wave of panic hit her . First she tried to bend over and retrieve her skirt , missed , then simultaneously tried again and took off running . She fell over , her skirt flying from her ankles . She got up . She couldn 't worry about her skirt ; She couldn 't find it . So she took off , racing toward the end of the football field in nothing but her cheerleader top , which didn 't quite cover her belly button , and the ribbon in her hair . Nobody had followed her , but there were two guys and a girl a few yards away , eyeing her as she tried the locker room door . It was locked . That 's when she felt her second wave of panic . " Whoooo ! Go get ' em , Lizzy ! " the girl called . Liz recognized the voice at once : Marcy . Marcy had a reputation among the guys as being easy , and a reputation among the girls as being a bitch . Now a third wave of panic struck as Marcy pulled out her phone and held it in front of her . It flashed . Liz was too stunned to react . The second flash made her back against the wall and cover herself as best she could with one hand . " Stop it , Marcy ! " she yelled , but there was little threat and more fear in her voice . Marcy had gotten close now , and had no intention of stopping . The camera flashed and flashed . Liz gathered her courage , then lunged forward and pushed Marcy with all her might . Marcy stumbled to the ground . Liz , very aware of the two boys watching her , grabbed the camera . " Bitch ! " she yelled , no longer caring whose attention she might draw . Liz thumbed the buttons , not even paying much attention to what she was doing . She was frantic now , and didn 't see Marcy jump up . " Bitch ! " Marcy yelled back , and snatched Liz 's shirt upward . It went over her head and as far as her elbows , pinning her arms . Marcy snatched her phone away from Liz , then liberated her of her shirt . Now Liz stood in front of Marcy and the two boys , naked except for the blue ribbon in her hair . Her first instinct was to cover her breasts , but before she15 The entire class of 8a of Jackson High School held its breath and fixed its many eager eyes on Beth Maringer . The girl now regretted all of her gloating about her old school , Winston Hills High , and their football team , which had won the high school state finals last year and made sure everyone knew they intended to continue the tradition . Had they beaten Jackson High , Beth would still be smiling and enjoying the humiliation of the six big - talking boys as they jacked off in front of the entire class . As it were , Jackson had won , and now she was heading toward the front of the class . The entire class had witnessed the deal , and if she didn 't hold up to her end , she would be stripped and handcuffed to the flagpole outside while one of the boys pulled the fire alarm . Mr . Karn was a cool guy . He let the kids get away with anything short of rape and murder . He had been present when Beth had made the bet with the boys , and asked her if she was sure she wanted to agree to such a thing . She had replied with arrogance , saying that it wouldn 't matter anyway because Winston Hills High was unstoppable this year . Mr . Karn said okay and went on with their lesson . The next morning everyone 's eyes were on her . She had a red face when she walked in the door . Mr . Karn had an assignment written on the board . He stood up and said , " This is a big assignment , class , covering sections two and three in chapter five . I 'll give you this period to work on it , and what you don 't finish here , you can take home with you . " He looked at Beth . " I 've got some papers that need copying , so you 'll be alone most of this period . I expect you kids won 't get too loud ? " The class acquiesced . Beth just looked at the floor , her face burning . It was small consolation that Mr . Karn wouldn 't be in attendance . Now she stood looking at the class , her butt resting lightly on the edge of the desk . Someone made a comment about how tight her jeans were , and that she might be more comfortable if she took them off . It somehow made it worse that the person whoLindsay stepped out in a tiny two - piece and headed for the pool . She cannonballed off the diving board , climbed out and stretched out on a beach chair . Jay was watching her from his office room on the second floor . He had space for an office room because he and his wife had no children . Not that they hadn 't tried , but one or both of them was simply incapable . Lindsay was fourteen with a sixteen year old 's knockout body , might 've even passed for eighteen . She had straight brown hair that was made darker by the water . The office door was locked , because if Jay 's wife caught him looking at another woman ( at an underage girl , no less ) , she would shit chickens . It was half past twelve , and it occurred to Jay that Lindsay Vane should probably be in school . Then it occurred to him that Mr . and Mrs . Vane should both be at work . So Lindsay had the house all to herself . Jay watched as the little teenage vixen applied sunscreen all over her body , and paid special attention when her hand dipped just under the waistband of her bikini bottom . He attempted to store that away for later use but noticed her hand returned , then again and again . Finally her whole hand disappeared under the stretchy material of her suit . This little vixen was fingering herself in her backyard . She stopped . Looked around . When she was satisfied that no one could see her , she pulled the strings on either side of her bottom , then lifted her butt up and threw her bikini bottom aside . Jay 's eyes went immediately to the small strip of brown hair above her small slit . He might have killed for a pair of binoculars at that moment , but there were none . He watched eagerly as the girl threw her top aside . Now she was reclining in the chair , wearing nothing but a pair of sunglasses . She massaged herself with the tips of her fingers , then teased by slipping one partways inside . Jay had only recently noticed this hottie ( the first had been seeing her strut around her room in only a pair of panties ) , and now he was getting a full view . He knew how lucky he was . She It was really Mrs . Henderson 's fault that Kelly had ended up naked while she was waiting for the bus . She had been the one that brought the recent law changes to everyone 's attention . In short , Bibb county was now " nudist friendly " . Nudists were to receive the same treatment as anyone else , and that applied to schools also . A lot of parents were outraged by the idea , but there was nothing they could do about it . Apparently the mayor had a soft spot for nudists . Kelly had brought the news home with her , and she ended up getting into some small argument with her dad about freedom , a person 's rights , and nudism . Eric didn 't think it was right for people to walk around " in the buff " , as he called it . His daughter disagreed . She had also made some remark about protesting the protesters with a nude march . Her dad had laughed . He had said that she was from a decent family , and that she wouldn 't even be able to go out in the nude . She disagreed . In fact , she could go a whole week without any clothes at all . " Is that so ? " he said . " Well either put up or shut up . " " What 's that mean ? " " I mean it , Kelly . I don 't want to hear any more . " She glared at him . They had glared each other down before , usually about stupid , trivial things . He gasped when she pulled her shirt over her head . In a matter of moments she was working her feet out of the legs of her jeans , then she stood before him , naked . On the outside she stood tall and proud , but it was all she could do to keep herself from shaking , much less running out of the room with her hands over her girl parts . Her dad found his voice . " What do you think you 're doing ? " " I 'm ' putting up ' , " she said . " Put your clothes back on right now , Kelly . " " Bibb County supports my right to go naked , wherever I want . " Kelly was as stubborn as he himself was . But he was amused that she was willing to take her clothes off , right in the middle of the living room , so he decided to have some fun . " Well , fine ! " he said . " You wanna be a nudist ? You just bought yourself a whole week without clothes of any kind . " Now she gasped . " Wh - what ? " " You heard me . That 's what you wanted , now you got it . " " B - but - - " The next morning , she got ready for school . She had stepped over to her dresser , then remembered all she 'd said . She 'd said she didn 't need clothes , that she might even become a nudist . He 'd yelled at her . He 'd demanded that she either put up or shut up . . . and she had . God help her , she had stripped naked and thrown her clothes down in theatric disgust . He 'd told her she would have to go naked for a whole week . She hadn 't backed down . But of course now it all seemed foolish . Her and her stupid arguments with her stupid father . She couldn 't go to school naked ! What was she thinking ? She pulled one of the drawers open and brought out a cotton t - shirt . She held it against her , considering . Now she wasn 't allowed to wear clothes for a week . Of course she could just get dressed anyway . He couldn 't keep her naked , after all . Could he ? But that would be too much like admitting defeat . After all the things she 'd said , she couldn 't give in . She threw the shirt back in her drawer and slammed it shut . After several moments of thought , she decided on ankle - high socks and white sneakers . She trudged down to the kitchen like this . Her dad said good morning . Her mom just shook her head . Now she stood , waiting for the bus with her backpack slung over one bare shoulder . She felt so exposed , and somewhat naughty . What would her friends say ? And her teachers ? What about her best friend , Vicky , and Vicky 's boyfriend Ben ? Vicky and Ben had been together damn near forever , but Kelly still carried a secret crush for him . What would he think if he saw her like this ? Kelly turned back toward her house , and there were Amy and Rachel . Rachel lived right next door to Kelly , and Amy must have stayed over . Everybody knew they were more than good friends . Both girls stood gawking , wordless . Amy was the first to speak . " And I thought I was forgetful . " The bus pulled up next to the curb , a few kids already staring out wide - eyed . She had told Rachel about her argument with her dad , and stated that she was only proving a point . Rachel commended her bravery while Amy told her she was crazy , but Amy didn 't mind one bit . Now she was climbing the steps . She felt a hand pat one cheek and spun around . It was Amy . Kelly felt a mixture of indignance and total humiliation . It didn 't get better as she stepped into view of everyone on the bus . Everyone was talking at once as she made her way to her seat . A few girls near the front called her a little slut , while others giggled and poked fun . A few of the guys made profane requests , sometimes accompanied with lewd gestures . The seat felt cold as she slid next to the window . She was shivering , and she hugged her bookbag . It would be a long week . 18 Penny knew about the little peephole in the bathroom wall . In fact , she often used it herself to spy on Henry , her stepdad , when he showered . She knew that he also used it to watch her . It was a little creepy at first , but the more she thought about it , the more turned on she got . The first time she had masturbated for him wasn 't planned , but more of a wild impulse . It was almost one of the best orgasms she 'd ever had . She had known he had been watching her because he had left the light on in the small closet space where the hole was located . Never in a million years would she have guessed that he knew she was watching him . . . at least , not until yesterday . Her eyes had been wide and her mouth open as he stroked his shaft to a full erection and shot his load on the shower curtain . Was it merely coincidence that it had been only two days before when she had masturbated for him ? She thought not . He had been watching her pleasure herself and wanted to return the favor . Somehow he knew she had been watching . Now she lay in bed , slowly rubbing her clit . It was only a little after one in the afternoon . Her mom would be home in a few more hours , and now she dared herself to walk in there and give Henry a big wet kiss , right on the mouth . She wondered how he would react , or if he would tell Mom . A small , nagging voice in the back of her mind tried to convince her that he hadn 't known she was watching , that he never would have jacked off if he had . But her pussy ached to have him inside , if only for a quick visit . It had grown tired of Penny 's fingers . It needed a man 's flesh . Penny slipped out from under the covers and slid into her shirt and pants . She started for the door , then stopped . She had an idea . She had borrowed an incredibly short skirt from one of her friends and now she threw her pants aside and slipped into it . Henry was sitting in front of the tv . She walked up to him . " Dad , Me and Holly were going to go out on a double date next weekend . You think this skirt 's too short ? " The mention of her skirt seemed " You like it ? " she said , spreading her arms out as if to say ' tada ' . " I know you 've seen me wear this before when I was in the shower , but I thought you might like it better up close . But now that I 've shown you mine , you have to return the favor . " Henry could hardly believe what luck he had . His young stepdaughter was standing in front of him , naked and asking to be fucked . Life simply didn 't get much better than this . " You know you want to , " she said , smiling and rubbing her pussy . " I 'll be in my bed whenever you get ready . " He watched her saunter away . She was barely out of the living room before he jumped up and ran after her . They kissed each other passionately in the hallway . Penny went for his belt but he moved out of her reach as he kissed her body , moving lower and lower . He did each nipple in turn , sucking lightly and rolling his tongue over them , before moving down to her belly . He stopped briefly , and she gasped as she felt his tongue move up the length of her slit . He licked her again , then buried his tongue between her lips . Her legs were spread wide and her hips thrust forward as he fucked her with his tongue . She squirmed with pleasure , grabbing his head and drawing it between her legs . Her chest rose and fell faster , and he knew she was about to come . Abruptly he stopped . She picked her head up and looked at him . " Please , don 't stop ! " He moved down and stuck out his tongue , barely parting her labia , then stopped . " Wh - what 's wrong ? " " Nothing . " " Then why 'd you stop ? " She was out of breath . He moved down and kissed her lips , then ran his tongue up her slit again . He kissed her again gently , then stopped . " Why 'd you stop again ? " " I didn 't stop . But if you want me to , I - - " " No , no , please ! If you want me to beg I 'll beg ! Please , please don 't stop ! " He smiled and kissed her pussy lips again . He slipped his tongue inside her again , but only briefly . " Please , keep going ! Just a little more ! Don 't stop now , please , fuck me with your tongue , I want it inside me ! " With this hot little cunt begging for it , it was a wonder he didn 't shoot his load right in his pants . " Shhh , easy now . I 'm not going to stop , but I dont want you to come just yet . " He kissed her again . She grabbed his head and tried to force it closer to her pussy . He managed to escape her grasp . He repositioned her , putting her on her hands and knees , legs spread . Her pussy looked so delicious and inviting , he wondered if he could hold out a full ten seconds . He dropped his pants and got on his knees . Slowly , he guided the head of his penis between her waiting lips . He moved forward slowly , until he was all the way inside her . Her pussy was tight , more so than he had imagined . He slowly withdrew , then moved forward again . The only noises she made were soft little girl moans , and that only added to his pleasure . He moved out and in again , slowly but rapidly . She was about to come , and he wanted to come with her . Now he moved faster . She wiggled her hips on him and he felt his balls tighten . He couldn 't stop now if he wanted . He rapidly fucked her , his hips slapping against her ass . He placed his hands on her hips as he shot his load into her . He felt her own warm girl juices run down his balls as he did . Cleaning up was a mess , so they used the shower next time . Her bed got its fair share of use , too . 19 It was uncanny , the timing of this freak accident that gave Ben the chance for just about any kind of revenge he could dream up . Their parents had left them all alone for the weekend , since Yoko was seventeen now and plenty old enough to take care of the house and her little brother for the weekend ( actually , both Yoko and Ben were adopted ) . Last night , Ben had seen an opportunity to peep through the crack between the door and the wall and spy on his sister taking a shower . Of course he couldn 't see anything until she cut the water off and threw back the curtain . Still , the thirty seconds before she spotted him . . . it was heaven . He had only seen one other girl naked before in his life ; his best friend 's sister . And that had been an honest mistake . Who knew she would be changing clothes in her room , without locking the door . Ben had been careless ; he must have made a noise , because Yoko spun around and her eyes locked on his . He didn 't wait to see her reaction ; rather than face her , he slipped down the hall and into his room . He would wait and jack off later . Right now he would wait and see what Yoko 's reaction would be . But damn , she was hot . Her breasts were supple , round , perfect . Her waist was slim above her hips , her skin slightly tanned without tan lines ( he wondered if she sunbathed nude ) , her legs shapely and smooth . She had a perfect bubble butt , tanned with the rest of her body , and nothing but smooth skin where her pubic hair should be . Carl 's sister Joan had had a big patch of brown hair there , but Yoko must have shaved hers off because nothing was blocking the view of her small snatch . Ben held his breath as he heard the bathroom door open . He was under the covers on his bed , waiting patiently and listening . His heart jumped when his own doorknob turned . Yoko stepped into the room . She was still naked . Ben tried to speak but couldn 't find the words . " What are you doing , jacking off under there ? " she said , glaring at him . " Is that it ? You were spying on me so you could jack off ? " " N - no , I 'm - - Then it hit him . How 'd you get stuck , anyway ? " he asked . I was talking to someone outside . hy does it matter ? ull me in ! " How long have you been there ? " I don 't know ! ive , ten minutes . ow are you gonna help me or not ? " Sure , Yoko . 'll help you . " denim skirt covered her slim bubble butt . e put one hand on her buttcheek , then moved it closer to the middle , down over where her butthole would be , down over her pussy . Ben ? " Yeah ? " What the hell do you think you 're doing ? " " I dunno , I . . . I guess I 'm just having a little fun . " He smiled . " Ben you stop that right now ! " Ben stopped , then put one hand on her bare thigh and inched it upward until it disappeared under her skirt . Yoko squeezed her legs together , but his hand inched upward until he felt her smooth silky underwear . " Ben ! " Ben didn 't reply . " You little pervert ! Mom 'll kill you for this if Dad doesn 't get to you first ! " The more he thought about it , the more good ideas he came up with . And more bad ideas began to seem like good ones . He rushed upstairs . When he came back down , he went straight out the back door and around to the side of the house where his sister was hanging halfway out the window . " Ben , you little shit ! I 'll kill you ! " " Calm down , Yoko . " He moved forward with a pair of scissors and grabbed her shirt . " No ! No , you can 't ! This is my favorite shirt ! " He hesitated , then stepped back , dodging her pathetic attempts to claw at him . " Okay . I won 't have to cut it up if you just take it off . " " What ? You 've got to be kidding ! " " And stop yelling . That 's only gonna draw attention to you , and that 's something you don 't want . Now take it off or I 'll cut it up . " Ben waited patiently , but he had to move forward with the scissors again to provoke a reaction . He almost felt sorry for her when she started crying . . . almost . In the end , she took it off and handed it to him as instructed . " Now your bra . " She stared at him with wet , hateful eyes . She looked like a Japanese half - oni . She made no attempt to remove her bra . Ben moved forward and she tried to knock him back . " Careful , " he said . " These scissors are sharp . Wouldn 't want you to get cut . " Resignation on her face , she stopped fighting and let him cut her bra strap . Her hands immediately went to cover up her naked breasts . Now Ben stepped back and produced a camera from his pocket . He clicked once , twice , three times . " Ben . . . Ben , please stop . I 'm sorry about last night . I 'm sorry for all those times I was mean to you . " BeYoko 's room smelled different from his own , and was decorated with posters of rock and heavy metal bands . He couldn 't remember a time when he was allowed to be in here . He checked various drawers before finding one with condoms in it . He might need one later , so he took one and slipped it in his pocket . Yoko 's underwear drawer contained just that , plus a number of other little toys with which he was unfamiliar . He deduced that what he now held in his hand was a dildo . There was a small box with a wire extending some length , the end of which was attached to a small plastic ball . When he pushed a button on the box , the little plastic egg hummed to life . He smiled . " Ben ! Ben , is that you ? " she asked in a loud whisper . " Yeah , it 's me , " he said , standing behind her . He put a hand on the soft , warm denim directly above her butt and immediately felt her tense up . " Ben , I don 't know what kind of sick things you have in mind but if you don 't stop feeling me up right now I 'll make your life a living hell . " " You mean like you do every day ? " " No . Much , much worse . When I tell mom , you 'll be grounded for a year . When I tell dad , he 'll belt your ass so hard y - oh ! " Ben had switched on the vibrator and now held it against her skirt . " What do you think everyone 'll say when I tell them what kinds of toys you have in your panty drawer ? " " Oh , you little twirp ! I 'll kill you ! " " Calm down , " Ben said , moving the vibrator up , over her asshole and straight up her crack and back down again . It stopped once more at her cunt . " You don 't want to draw attention to yourself . Now , I figure , since you like to show off your body like you did last night , I might as well have a little fun . Before it 's all over , I 'll have a lot of naked pictures of you . . . just in case you do decide to try and get even with me . " " Fuck you , " she growled . " Well . . . we might . I haven 't decided yet . But you 'll at least come for me before I let you go . " He ran his hands down her legs , then moved upward , grabbing her skirt when he got to it . He slowly lifted and worked her skRated 89 . 3 % | |
After I graduated from high school , I decided I didn 't want to go to college . It wasn 't that I couldn 't get in - I had gotten decent grades - or that my parents couldn 't afford it . I was just never very fond of school and had no interest in seeking a higher education . I preferred to learn on the job . After several minimum wage jobs , I landed a job with a big company . My high school buddy , Nathan , had gotten hired on there about six months prior and had told me they were hiring again . I dropped off my resume and ended up getting one of the available jobs . It was an entry level position ( as was Nathan 's job . We actually worked in the same department ) but it paid way more than minimum wage and there was opportunity to learn and move up in the company over time . Tonight the company was having a party for the staff . The company had recently taken over another company and the party was a way of thanking the staff for all of their hard work during the acquisition . It was a dry event , and , at twenty , both Nathan and I were under - age by a year anyway , so the two of us would sneak down to the locker room every hour or so to drink some beer we had hidden in our lockers . Our workplace provided workout facilities for the staff and we had a great locker room to go with it - showers , sauna - which afforded lots of opportunities to see my co - workers naked . Nothing ever happened , though . This was a professional workplace and most of the other male employees were much older than Nathan and me . There were some who were in their late twenties and thirties , but most were in their forties and fifties . In fact , Nathan and I were the youngest guys working there . Still , I got to see a lot of nice cocks and asses - older , younger , it didn 't matter . Nathan and I had never done anything sexual together . In fact , he had a reputation for his experiences with the ladies . And , having seen him naked many times , I can see why . He was solid , muscular and had a long , fat cock . We both laughed as he told of her screaming when he fucked her , and then I tried to mimic her getting fucked by Nathan : " Fuck me Nathan . Yeah , c ' mon , give me that big diiiiiiick … " I squealed the word dick and then I covered my mouth with my hand and let out a scream into it . I stopped screaming into my hand when he said that and snuck at look at his crotch . Nathan looked like he had started to get boned up . Not even noticing where my eyes were , his hand fell to his crotch and he rubbed it through his pants and said , " Man , I need to get laid tonight ! I am so horny ! " A few moments later , Nathan broke the silence . " You want to jerk off together before we go back up ? " he asked rather casually . " I gotta drop a load so bad . " There was nothing I wanted more than for that to happen , to see Nathan 's cock , to see it rock hard , to see him cumming , but I didn 't want to sound too excited by the idea so I decided to just respond as casually as he had asked the question , making sure to put it on him , his idea . " Sure , I mean , I 'm pretty horny , too . So , if you really want to , then I guess I 'd be cool with it . " Nathan nodded . " Unless you 're too chicken shit . But if you are , I 'm gonna think you have a small dick and you just don 't want me to see it , " he laughed , taunting me . As he jerked , he leaned his head back against the locker and closed his eyes , affording me the opportunity to take a good look at his cock as he was pulling on it . It went from semi - hard to fully hard pretty quickly . " Holy shit ! " I said . " No wonder Lisa screamed when you put that in her ! " Nathan 's grin got wider . It was a proud grin . And then he looked at my hard cock . " Yours is a decent size , too . " As warehouse supervisor , Martin had a small office hidden in the back of the warehouse . He liked the opportunities it gave him to think without distraction . Sometimes it was work that occupied his mind , but today his thoughts were focused on last night 's hot hook up . Martin was thirty - two years old , stood six foot tall , had a medium build and a seven inch cut cock and was versatile . These are all things he listed in his profile on a gay cruising site , along with a face pic and a picture of his hard cock . The guy had found Martin 's profile and suggested a meet . Martin massaged the front of his pants as he recalled the enthusiasm of the inexperienced student and his impressive eight - and - a - half inch uncut cock . Martin looked the auditor over . He stood about 5 ' 8 " , with mousy brown hair and wore glasses with a brushed silver frame - probably only a couple of years out of college . He hoped that this young guy would be too embarrassed to mention anything about what he had just seen . " We like to make surprise visits , " the auditor replied with a smile and then finished with , " Although it looks like I was the one that got a surprise this time , " as he shut the door behind him . " I don 't want to interrupt what you were working on , though , " he said as he closed the blinds . " So is there anything I can give you a hand with before we get started with the audit ? " My sister had arranged a golf weekend for her husband , Jim , and his brother , Jeff , and she wanted me to go , too . My sister was the jealous type , and although her husband gave her no reason , she always assumed he would flirt with or even sleep with other women if he was away somewhere without her . I didn 't really want to go . Although I knew how to play , I wasn 't really into golf , but she insisted , and I reluctantly agreed to go along . My life changed that night . It started out horribly . The first thing I learned was that my sister didn 't make any reservations , and there was a golf tournament going on at the very course we had planned on playing . All the major hotels were filled , and so we spent most of the first day calling different hotels to find a place to sleep that night . We eventually found a motel with a vacant room . When we arrived it was late and we were just happy to have a place to sleep . The room had two double beds and we set about determining who would get the one bed to themselves and who would have to share the other one . We then all got ready for bed . I usually slept in the nude , but kept my boxers on since I was sharing a bed with another guy . I got in bed first , and when Jeff slid into bed he too wore only his boxers . Ever since I was in my teens I always jerked off right before I went to sleep every night . It had become somewhat of a ritual to help me fall asleep . If I didn 't do it I would lie awake for hours sometimes . When that happened , a quick jerk off and I would soon fall asleep . As I continued to lie there on my back , inches from another guy , I still felt I had to masturbate before I could get any sleep . Soon I heard the snores of Jim . I listened carefully to determine if Jeff was asleep , too . He hadn 't moved much and was quiet , and I was almost certain that he had drifted off . I slowly moved my hand down under the sheets . I found the crotch of my boxers and gently rubbed . My cock began to grow . I stopped to check again that everyone was still asleep . Satisfied that they were , I parted the opening to my boxers and pulled out my now hard dick . I 'd like to share with you the first time I ever did anything with another guy . It was during college , and it was with a fellow frat brother . Before that experience I had always considered myself a bit curious , but not bisexual or anything . I was totally straight as far as I knew . Now , in large part to that first experience , which opened my eyes to where my desires lay and to whom I really was , I live my life as an out and proud bisexual . Anyway , all of us lucky pledges had been assigned to clean the frat house after a party that had taken place the night before . We , of course , were made to wear frilly aprons and nothing else while we cleaned . My fellow pledge , Mark , and I were assigned to clean the bedrooms , while other pledges were also dispersed in teams of two to clean other areas of the house . My eyes stared down to where his were looking . On the floor lay a used condom . I chuckled . " Go ahead , Mark . Pick it up . " " Well , I hope so . Fuck do I hope so ! " Mark said as he began to pull the sheets off the bed and I tossed the condom in the trash bag . " Me too ! I 'm gonna tell you something , " I said as I moved over to him . " You got to promise you won 't tell anyone . " " Oh fuck , man . We gotta get in ! If we do , we are practically guaranteed to lose our virginity . Fuck , I need to lose it ! I need to get some pussy ! " I exclaimed excitedly , but quietly . " What ? " I said and looked at him , and then once again followed his eyes . They were pointed at my crotch , and when my eyes landed there I realized that my dick , although not hard , had started to swell . Jon arrived home from his friend Kenny 's house and realized that he was getting quite a collection of other guys ' boxers . He had Rod 's shorts , which Rod had just royally creamed during their no - hands jack - off contest . And he also had two pair of Kenny 's - one that Kenny gave him after he wet his pants with cum while they were walking home , plus the ones he was wearing , which he was given after the one - on - one contest with Rod . Jon had long had a " thing " for boxers . During the summer , he was always walking around shirtless with several inches of boxers showing above the waistband of his pants or shorts . He loved seeing other guys dressed the same . He liked looking at what kind of shorts the other guys wore : the prints , the brand names , the fabric , and everything about them . And what he told Kenny was true , he did jack off thinking of girls , but he also jacked off thinking of his buddies in their boxers , especially the ones in the J . O . C . K . club . Now in the privacy of his room , Jon pulled his shirt off and stood in front of the mirror . He carefully arranged the underwear so it showed over his jeans , and felt himself getting hard as he imagined Kenny in this outfit . The jeans were a little tighter than the ones he usually wore , so his cock couldn 't poke straight out . Instead , it crawled down his thigh . As it became fully hard it looked like a thick pipe under the worn denim . Jon reached down and gave it a squeeze . The tightness of the jeans felt good , and even though he 'd had a massive orgasm less than an hour ago , he was horny again , and his cock wanted to squirt , and Jon contemplated jacking off inside Kenny 's boxers . Then he had an idea . Quickly he stripped down and put on Kenny 's faded and well - worn shorts first - the ones he picked up on Tuesday . They were the softest , and they were so old that Jon was certain Kenny had shot off in them before . Then he pulled Rod 's shorts , still damp from his previous ejaculation , over them . Finally , he put on the boxers Kenny gave him today . He arranged the waistbands so all three shorts were showing . His cock was throbbing like crazy at the thought of what he was about to do . Now he squeezed back into his jeans , which were much tighter with the three layers of shorts underneath them , so tight , in fact , that he couldn 't button the top button . Jon looked at his reflection in the mirror . He was wearing all these other guys ' boxers ! And they were all showing ! And he had a big boner in them , right where the other guys got their boners ! And he was wearing two pairs of Kenny 's , the same guy he 'd just jerked off ! Jon 's head was swimming with all these thoughts . His hand covered the straining lump of his hard - on and began rubbing . As he expected , Kenny 's worn shorts felt very soft and smooth against his tender prick . He could also feel a little of the cold wetness in Rod 's boxers . The room reeked of cum . Jon 's eyes were riveted on the reflection of his waist where three pairs of boxers showed above his pants . The first ones were his favorites - Kenny had worn them the most , they had the coolest pattern , and they were the ones his dick was now rubbing against and getting wet with pre - cum . With his free hand he fingered the three elastic waistbands , re - arranging them to show even more . The crotch seam of the inside pair pressed into his balls . Far from being uncomfortable , it just heightened the erotic feelings . Incredibly , he was just moments away from another orgasm . His hand was rubbing frantically over the bulge that pointed down his thigh . If he rubbed any harder he 'd have to worry more about the fabric giving way than any stains he might leave . But he didn 't have to worry about that . His balls were ready to eject another load . Hot wetness shot down his leg . His cock pushed angrily at the confining layers of cloth as it splattered hot cum all over Kenny 's old boxers . Despite his earlier orgasm , there was so much cum that it began soaking through all three boxers , making a small wet spot on the denim . He couldn 't help rubbing his spurting cock even more , milking the last of his load through the cloth . A couple of last squirts and it was over . Jon stood up straight and examined the damage in the mirror . His boner had softened only slightly , so it still made an obvious bulge . There was about a two inch wet spot showing through at the end , and a little of the creamy white stuff had even come through the denim . Jon couldn 't help giggling . He 'd just jacked off in these other guys ' underpants , and it felt great . He knew he 'd be doing more of it , but for now it was time to throw Kenny 's shorts in the wash so Kenny wouldn 't know . Rod 's , however , he 'd leave cum - stained for future enjoyment ! On Monday Jon saw Kenny walking to class . He glanced at Kenny 's pants and saw an unmistakable bulge there . Kenny was walking around with a boner for all to see ! Jon 's own cock tingled as he caught up with his friend . " Ha - ha , " Kenny replied sarcastically . " Shit ! I don 't know what I 'm going to do until tomorrow , man . It 's been like this all day . " " Uh , yeah , I can get them washed . No one will be home until five or six anyway . Gives me plenty of time , " Jon replied . " Great , " Kenny smirked as he took them . Then , as he noticed Jon was just standing there , he said , " What about the two pair of mine that I lent you . Can I get those back ? " " Dude , you better not have creamed in my boxers , " Kenny said after Jon handed them over and he immediately started to examine them . He saw the look on Jon 's face and knew that he had . " D - u - u - u - u - d - e , both pairs ? " On Tuesday morning Kenny pulled on Rod 's boxers and his softest pair of khakis . They were a little dressier than he liked , so he usually didn 't wear them to school , but they were the softest pants he had , and he also figured they 'd show a good wet spot . He then put on an oversized t - shirt . He knew he was going to make quite a stain with his dick outside of the boxers , and he didn 't want to have to rely on his books to hide it . The t - shirt went down well below his crotch , solving that problem . Kenny 's boner didn 't go down all through first period . As he walked to his second class he moved his books and quickly glanced down to see how obvious things were down there . Even with his loose oversized t - shirt he could tell there was a pole poking straight out from his crotch . When he got to class he sat down quickly . Jon walked into class , looked at Kenny and gave him a thumbs - up sign to encourage him . With about fifteen minutes to go in the class , Kenny stealthily reached into his pants pocket to begin masturbating , looking forward to a release he had denied himself for days . To his horror , he suddenly realized that this was not going to work ! The outside seam of the pants pocket was sewn to the leg seam . He couldn 't reach his cock ! Jon noticed the seemingly frantic activity in Kenny 's lap as Kenny tried to find a way to reach his boner under the cover of his khakis . Jon couldn 't quite figure out what was going on , but assumed that Kenny was really going for it so he could win the contest . He began his own concealed stroking , shifting his attention back and forth between the teacher and his jack - off buddy in the next row . Kenny had managed to get his cock through the fly of Rod 's boxers , and he even got it to bend over enough to allow him to wrap his pocket - covered fist over the head . But he really doubted he could get off like that . Finally , with only about five minutes to go , he thought about Rod 's technique for a hands - free orgasm . He pulled his hand out of his pocket , sat up a little and crossed his legs like he 'd seen Rod do . His cock was immediately enveloped in a fold of the soft khaki material . He began moving his hips as subtly as he could . Jon was amazed to see this . He had figured out that Kenny was trying Rod 's technique but couldn 't understand why , especially since Kenny had told him that he was never able to cum without stroking it . But Jon had his own ejaculation to worry about . He quietly jiggled his boner , ready at any time to squirt some juice into his shorts - just enough to make a spot that would keep him from having to do it in front of all the guys . Kenny was getting worried . His hip - thrusting against the khakis felt good , but the fabric was kind of thin and didn 't provide any pressure on his cock . He didn 't think it would be enough to make him shoot his load . Once again he shoved his hand in his pocket in an effort to give his cock some additional stimulation . He found that he could pull the fabric of his pants and make it slide against his throbbing hard - on . He put his other hand in his other pocket and began a tug of war , making the cloth slide back and forth . This he thought might work . But it was too late . The bell rang signaling the end of class . The students all stood up and quickly made their way out of the room . Kenny was desperately pulling his pants around and staring at the small cum stain on Jon 's jeans . It wasn 't going to work . He sighed and the tension left his body . " Let 's go , " was all he said . Read Part 3 Bob 's heart was beating fast . He was sitting in his dorm room and it was now a quarter past nine . Nick , the lacrosse player that had caused him so much confusion and apprehension in the past twenty - four hours , was late . He was supposed to be there at nine to explain his actions at the party the night before . Bob kept running the events through his mind and the waiting was making things worse . Had he done something to signal that he 'd welcome Nick 's sexual advances ? If so , it must be so repressed that he couldn 't imagine it . Regardless , why did he let Nick continue ? He was certainly no match for Nick physically , but he could have left . He could have said " No thanks . " He didn 't believe Nick would have forced him . Finally , there came a knock at the door . Bob stood up and immediately felt like he might pass out . He made it to the door , opened it , and there stood Nick . Bob held on to the door and looked up into the face of the four - inch taller man . Nick broke the silence by quietly asking if he could come in and get out of the hallway . Bob opened the door further and took a step back allowing Nick to enter and then shut the door behind him . Nick looked around . It was a typical two - person dorm room with two beds , two chest of drawers , two desks , and two chairs . The beds , which could be bunked , were unstacked with one on each side wall . Bob motioned for Nick to sit down on his bed and then grabbed his desk chair and sat facing him . Nick was beginning to worry again . Bob did not seem to be handling it well . Nick decided that honesty would be the best course of action . He might be able to bullshit a girl but he knew that Bob would see through it . He needed Bob to keep his mouth shut . Nick was feeling queasy in his stomach but continued anyway . " I 've never done anything like that here at college and it would destroy me if you told anyone . " Nick thought he saw Bob 's face twitch . Nick stopped talking and looked down at his feet . Still looking down , Nick responded , " No , I don 't think I 'm gay . When I saw you in the hallway I just suddenly wanted to watch you have sex with Julie . Then when you took off your clothes and I saw your dick . . . you started to get hard . . . it had been so long since I touched one . . . had . . . had one in my mouth . . . " Nick 's voice faded . Nick nodded and finally looked up . " I had a buddy in High School . When we weren 't getting any from any girls we 'd help each other out . I guess I got to like it . There 's something about a man 's body . . . But don 't get me wrong . I still like the ladies . " Nick paused and then said , " Opportunity . I had just fucked Julie and she was pretty wasted . I ran into you in the hall . No one was around . I figured she wouldn 't remember anything in the morning . Asking you to nail her would just be me sharing . . . completely straight . . . but then I lost control . " Bob took his time and chose his words carefully . " I like watching you jocks undress and pull on your straps and uniforms , and I like watching you come back in the locker room and stripping out of them and showering and horsing around . I think I 've always liked a man 's body too , though I 've never touched one or anything . " " I should thank you for sharing Julie last night . I was really horny and the girl I hoped to nail disappeared . I was looking for her when I ran into you , " Bob said . " I guess I should also thank you for the blowjob . It 's been a while since I got one . " " Sorry ' bout that , " replied Nick quickly . " When the idea struck me I wasn 't even sure I could get my head between you and the bed . I thought I was doing it pretty badly at first . You didn 't even notice . It wasn 't until you stopped and looked down that I realized I had made a mistake . " Bob looked at Nick as he had never looked at a guy before . Nick the lacrosse player . Nick the ladies ' man . Nick the good looking guy with a great athletic body . " I wouldn 't say you made a mistake . I just wasn 't prepared for it . I didn 't understand what was happening . I didn 't understand . . . myself . " Bob smiled . " Thanks . But I 'd guess you 're at least an inch bigger … though I didn 't get a very good look in your room last night . " I was standing by Tom when the store 's phone rang just after closing . He gave a sigh , looked at me , and said , " Guess I 'd better take that . " One of the problems of being the store manager was in having to go above and beyond the call of duty . . . and of the time clock . He took the steps into the little cubby which was the store customer service area . As he did , I watched the butt in those tight pants he had on . God , what a gorgeous ass this guy had on him ! I wanted to peel him out of those pants like peeling a grape , drop down and dive into those buns with my face , probing into his deep little crevice with my tongue ! The best way to describe Tom would be " delicious . " An odd adjective when applied to a person , maybe , but he has this thin - stranded shock of black hair on his head , a square face , more cute than handsome , and a body that wasn 't over - muscled but nicely defined . Sort of a marvelous compact package of masculinity you wanted to just eat up . Like I said , delicious ! " Sorry ! " I said , stepping to one side . Gregg was a big black dude . He 'd never tried to intimidate me per se , but he was pretty intimidating just the same without threats . When you 're big , strong , muscled and tough - looking like Gregg , you intimidate with a single look ! " Given it 's now ten o ' clock at night , I 'm ready for bed . Some of us have to work for a living . " Marvin punched his own time card . Gregg ran the checkout while Marvin was the bagger . Me , I was the stock boy , and Marvin and Tom helped me out from time to time . That was how our little small - town store held together . We stayed open until ten , but customers were thin after about eight o ' clock . Tom looked at us and the look in those eyes was haunted . " What do you want us to do now ? " he asked . " No , I haven 't called the police … Okay , I won 't let anyone leave . Can I tell them why ? " Tom apparently got the go - ahead from the phone , for he looked at us and said , " Caller on the phone says he 's got a bomb in the store … And he 's watching us all right now . . . We make one move he doesn 't want and he 'll trigger the bomb , " with pauses in his sentences , as the caller was telling him what to say . " Tom ? " I said again . " Are you sure he 's watching us ? " I looked around . A desk calendar was on Tom 's desk , and I picked it up . " Ask him what I 'm holding in my hand , " I said . " If he can 't tell us , he 's bluffing . And if he 's bluffing about seeing us , he 's probably bluffing about the bomb , too . " Tom thought about it , then nodded . " Prove you 're watching us . What does Felix have in his hand right now ? " he said to the caller . I looked at Tom with new eyes . He was ready to play hostage to save us ! It didn 't work , but I loved him more for it anyway . " Okay , what do you want from us , then ? " Tom went on , desperately . " We don 't have a lot of money . This is a small town and we make deposits every afternoon . A thousand is all we have , plus what 's in the register . " He listened to the man on the phone in silence for some time . " I can 't do that ! " he said , scandalized . Pause . " Come on , we 're not like that . These are my employees and my friends . You can 't ask me to . . . " " Oh man , oh man , oh man ! " Marvin went on . I would have been annoyed with Marvin if I hadn 't been so damned scared myself . If he needed to say " Oh , man ! " over and over in lieu of screaming , I could deal with it . By the books he and his girlfriend had toted in I could tell that they were college sophomores . I could also tell that the boy was horny as a cockle - bur , as he kept trying to put his arm around the girl , but she kept ducking , and every time he tried to kiss her she 'd turn her head , giving him a mouthful of frizzy blonde hair . He kept jiggling his legs nervously , and every once in a while he 'd reach down and give his cock a furtive , loving squeeze . I could also see that he had a raging hard - on . A chair 's leg scraping on linoleum recalled my attention to the reference - room duo . The boy had stood up , in an odd posture so the girl wouldn 't see his excitement , and he was saying something to her . Then , pocketing his hands to hide his boner , he marched right past me , headed for the men 's room . I knew what he 'd do once he got there . Any normal , red - blooded American male would do the same . He might really need to piss , but once he 'd wrapped his fingers around that bone - stiff slab of fuck - flesh he wouldn 't let go until he 'd jerked off that big load churning in his balls . I was willing to bet on it . And , horny as I was , I was ready to risk my job to get next to that hot boy while he milked off his horny meat . Who knows , maybe he 'll need a hand … or a hot , sucking mouth . It 's not like I had never done that type of thing in the library washroom before , so it was a possibility . I heard the slap - slap - slap of flesh against flesh the minute I creaked open the door . There were two stalls in the place , one of them occupied . When the door had swung closed behind me I bent over and looked under . I could see the college boy 's faded jeans atop his high - topped basketball shoes and could hear his belt jiggle as he beat his meat , now with swifter , quieter strokes . My own cock throbbed in my gray flannels as l realized how right I 'd been . Now , if I could only be right about his needing some help with his rigid young dick . The point is that there was this hole , a good three inches in diameter , in the wall between the two stalls . If I was careful I 'd at least get a look at the boy 's cock . If I played my cards right , before too long he 'd be standing with his belly plastered against the other side of that partition while I chowed down on the stiff inches he 'd slipped through the hole . I dropped my pants and sat down on the black , hard - rubber toilet seat . Leaning in towards the partition , I bent slowly forward until I could peep cautiously through the hole and got my first glimpse of what the college boy had between his legs : a fairly large , thick , cut cock . Pre - cum oozed from the slit in its purplish head , which he was using to lubricate the smooth , pink shaft as he quietly stroked . He had leaned well back on the toilet , affording me a perfect view of his groin . His hairy , muscular thighs fanned in and out with the motion of his right hand . His left hand toyed with his balls , rolling them between long fingers like a pair of enormous worry beads . I risked leaning far enough forward to get a look at his face . Handsome at worst , he looked even hotter now with his sensuous mouth hanging open , face flushed , eyes closed , thinking of what … his girlfriend ? I started to masturbate myself , slowly and quietly at first , gradually picking up speed and volume . Pretty soon I was going ninety - to - nothing . The tiled restroom echoed with the sound of fist scraping flesh . He followed suit , made more daring by the sounds of my masturbation and the few low moans I ventured . I knew he was turned on by it , too , by the novelty and forbiddingness of two guys jerking off next to each other . In time he uttered a little groan of his own . " Suit yourself , " I said . The difficulty of trying to sound nonchalant almost made my voice quiver , too , but I managed to keep it under control . " You ever had a blowjob ? " I asked . Yet another pause , then he said , " Sure , why not . " You could hear the shrug in his voice . He stood up , turned to face the partition , and moved towards me . For my money there 's no more beautiful sight than a hot cock coming at you through a glory hole . This one was particularly beautiful , and straight in all senses of the word . This was one cock I was going to relish closing my greedy lips around . When I first moved to the West Coast , I moved into the upper floor of an old house . On one side of my house , the others that had been there had been torn down some years ago and the land was made into a parking lot . On the other side , the next two houses had been turned into offices , one a lawyers ' office , the other a doctors ' office . Next to those was an empty lot , and next to that was an old , abandoned garage , which was right on the corner . Across the street , all of the old houses had been torn down , and in their place a two - storey YMCA had been built . It wasn 't the best street in the world , but it was all I could afford , and it had its advantages . It was pretty quiet at night , and , I soon discovered , had a great view , a view that is , from my living room window , right into the second level of the YMCA , where the sleeping quarters were . I had some great views of some pretty hot guys , mainly just seeing them getting undressed or walking back in their room from the showers and taking off their towel before putting on their underwear or getting in the bed . Besides being a place full of men , this YMCA was used a lot by the military . Some of these guys stayed for weeks at a time , while others only passed a night or two . Regardless , I got totally adept at juggling a pair of binoculars in one hand and my horny cock in the other as I took in their naked bodies and dangling cocks . One guy , who stayed for a long time , had that look of the perfect boy next door , only in uniform . He was a horny little bastard too ! Every night he 'd come in , strip off his clothes , pull out a girly magazine from under his bed and beat off for hours at a time . Naturally , I was watching and beating right along with him . Once , I even invited some friends over to look . We had a circle jerk and fought over the binoculars while that horny kid unknowingly put on a show for us across the street . There was a pretty good coffee shop on the ground floor of the Y , and I often ate supper there when I was too tired after work , or just too plain lazy to cook for myself . One evening as I was mowing down on a tuna melt , I glanced up and saw that the young sailor I 'd been watching had come in and was sitting in a booth facing me . This was the first time I had ever come across him , outside of my window , and I couldn 't help but stare and got mental images of him lying on his bed naked , beating his meat . I had barely finished taking my dick out of my pants when the sailor boy walked over and took position in front of the urinal next to mine . I kind of thought that was odd . Not only had he already been in there for a few minutes before me , plenty of time to take a piss , but most guys use the washroom first , and then wash their hands , not the other way around . " Hmm , I saw you looking at me and at first I was annoyed that you were starin ' , but then I thought you looked familiar and figured you were lookin ' because you thought you knew me too . You sure we don 't know each other ? I could swear I 've seen you somewhere before . " |
After I graduated from high school , I decided I didn 't want to go to college . It wasn 't that I couldn 't get in - I had gotten decent grades - or that my parents couldn 't afford it . I was just never very fond of school and had no interest in seeking a higher education . I preferred to learn on the job . After several minimum wage jobs , I landed a job with a big company . My high school buddy , Nathan , had gotten hired on there about six months prior and had told me they were hiring again . I dropped off my resume and ended up getting one of the available jobs . It was an entry level position ( as was Nathan 's job . We actually worked in the same department ) but it paid way more than minimum wage and there was opportunity to learn and move up in the company over time . Tonight the company was having a party for the staff . The company had recently taken over another company and the party was a way of thanking the staff for all of their hard work during the acquisition . It was a dry event , and , at twenty , both Nathan and I were under - age by a year anyway , so the two of us would sneak down to the locker room every hour or so to drink some beer we had hidden in our lockers . Our workplace provided workout facilities for the staff and we had a great locker room to go with it - showers , sauna - which afforded lots of opportunities to see my co - workers naked . Nothing ever happened , though . This was a professional workplace and most of the other male employees were much older than Nathan and me . There were some who were in their late twenties and thirties , but most were in their forties and fifties . In fact , Nathan and I were the youngest guys working there . Still , I got to see a lot of nice cocks and asses - older , younger , it didn 't matter . Nathan and I had never done anything sexual together . In fact , he had a reputation for his experiences with the ladies . And , having seen him naked many times , I can see why . He was solid , muscular and had a long , fat cock . We both laughed as he told of her screaming when he fucked her , and then I tried to mimic her getting fucked by Nathan : " Fuck me Nathan . Yeah , c ' mon , give me that big diiiiiiick … " I squealed the word dick and then I covered my mouth with my hand and let out a scream into it . I stopped screaming into my hand when he said that and snuck at look at his crotch . Nathan looked like he had started to get boned up . Not even noticing where my eyes were , his hand fell to his crotch and he rubbed it through his pants and said , " Man , I need to get laid tonight ! I am so horny ! " A few moments later , Nathan broke the silence . " You want to jerk off together before we go back up ? " he asked rather casually . " I gotta drop a load so bad . " There was nothing I wanted more than for that to happen , to see Nathan 's cock , to see it rock hard , to see him cumming , but I didn 't want to sound too excited by the idea so I decided to just respond as casually as he had asked the question , making sure to put it on him , his idea . " Sure , I mean , I 'm pretty horny , too . So , if you really want to , then I guess I 'd be cool with it . " Nathan nodded . " Unless you 're too chicken shit . But if you are , I 'm gonna think you have a small dick and you just don 't want me to see it , " he laughed , taunting me . As he jerked , he leaned his head back against the locker and closed his eyes , affording me the opportunity to take a good look at his cock as he was pulling on it . It went from semi - hard to fully hard pretty quickly . " Holy shit ! " I said . " No wonder Lisa screamed when you put that in her ! " Nathan 's grin got wider . It was a proud grin . And then he looked at my hard cock . " Yours is a decent size , too . " As warehouse supervisor , Martin had a small office hidden in the back of the warehouse . He liked the opportunities it gave him to think without distraction . Sometimes it was work that occupied his mind , but today his thoughts were focused on last night 's hot hook up . Martin was thirty - two years old , stood six foot tall , had a medium build and a seven inch cut cock and was versatile . These are all things he listed in his profile on a gay cruising site , along with a face pic and a picture of his hard cock . The guy had found Martin 's profile and suggested a meet . Martin massaged the front of his pants as he recalled the enthusiasm of the inexperienced student and his impressive eight - and - a - half inch uncut cock . Martin looked the auditor over . He stood about 5 ' 8 " , with mousy brown hair and wore glasses with a brushed silver frame - probably only a couple of years out of college . He hoped that this young guy would be too embarrassed to mention anything about what he had just seen . " We like to make surprise visits , " the auditor replied with a smile and then finished with , " Although it looks like I was the one that got a surprise this time , " as he shut the door behind him . " I don 't want to interrupt what you were working on , though , " he said as he closed the blinds . " So is there anything I can give you a hand with before we get started with the audit ? " My sister had arranged a golf weekend for her husband , Jim , and his brother , Jeff , and she wanted me to go , too . My sister was the jealous type , and although her husband gave her no reason , she always assumed he would flirt with or even sleep with other women if he was away somewhere without her . I didn 't really want to go . Although I knew how to play , I wasn 't really into golf , but she insisted , and I reluctantly agreed to go along . My life changed that night . It started out horribly . The first thing I learned was that my sister didn 't make any reservations , and there was a golf tournament going on at the very course we had planned on playing . All the major hotels were filled , and so we spent most of the first day calling different hotels to find a place to sleep that night . We eventually found a motel with a vacant room . When we arrived it was late and we were just happy to have a place to sleep . The room had two double beds and we set about determining who would get the one bed to themselves and who would have to share the other one . We then all got ready for bed . I usually slept in the nude , but kept my boxers on since I was sharing a bed with another guy . I got in bed first , and when Jeff slid into bed he too wore only his boxers . Ever since I was in my teens I always jerked off right before I went to sleep every night . It had become somewhat of a ritual to help me fall asleep . If I didn 't do it I would lie awake for hours sometimes . When that happened , a quick jerk off and I would soon fall asleep . As I continued to lie there on my back , inches from another guy , I still felt I had to masturbate before I could get any sleep . Soon I heard the snores of Jim . I listened carefully to determine if Jeff was asleep , too . He hadn 't moved much and was quiet , and I was almost certain that he had drifted off . I slowly moved my hand down under the sheets . I found the crotch of my boxers and gently rubbed . My cock began to grow . I stopped to check again that everyone was still asleep . Satisfied that they were , I parted the opening to my boxers and pulled out my now hard dick . I 'd like to share with you the first time I ever did anything with another guy . It was during college , and it was with a fellow frat brother . Before that experience I had always considered myself a bit curious , but not bisexual or anything . I was totally straight as far as I knew . Now , in large part to that first experience , which opened my eyes to where my desires lay and to whom I really was , I live my life as an out and proud bisexual . Anyway , all of us lucky pledges had been assigned to clean the frat house after a party that had taken place the night before . We , of course , were made to wear frilly aprons and nothing else while we cleaned . My fellow pledge , Mark , and I were assigned to clean the bedrooms , while other pledges were also dispersed in teams of two to clean other areas of the house . My eyes stared down to where his were looking . On the floor lay a used condom . I chuckled . " Go ahead , Mark . Pick it up . " " Well , I hope so . Fuck do I hope so ! " Mark said as he began to pull the sheets off the bed and I tossed the condom in the trash bag . " Me too ! I 'm gonna tell you something , " I said as I moved over to him . " You got to promise you won 't tell anyone . " " Oh fuck , man . We gotta get in ! If we do , we are practically guaranteed to lose our virginity . Fuck , I need to lose it ! I need to get some pussy ! " I exclaimed excitedly , but quietly . " What ? " I said and looked at him , and then once again followed his eyes . They were pointed at my crotch , and when my eyes landed there I realized that my dick , although not hard , had started to swell . Jon arrived home from his friend Kenny 's house and realized that he was getting quite a collection of other guys ' boxers . He had Rod 's shorts , which Rod had just royally creamed during their no - hands jack - off contest . And he also had two pair of Kenny 's - one that Kenny gave him after he wet his pants with cum while they were walking home , plus the ones he was wearing , which he was given after the one - on - one contest with Rod . Jon had long had a " thing " for boxers . During the summer , he was always walking around shirtless with several inches of boxers showing above the waistband of his pants or shorts . He loved seeing other guys dressed the same . He liked looking at what kind of shorts the other guys wore : the prints , the brand names , the fabric , and everything about them . And what he told Kenny was true , he did jack off thinking of girls , but he also jacked off thinking of his buddies in their boxers , especially the ones in the J . O . C . K . club . Now in the privacy of his room , Jon pulled his shirt off and stood in front of the mirror . He carefully arranged the underwear so it showed over his jeans , and felt himself getting hard as he imagined Kenny in this outfit . The jeans were a little tighter than the ones he usually wore , so his cock couldn 't poke straight out . Instead , it crawled down his thigh . As it became fully hard it looked like a thick pipe under the worn denim . Jon reached down and gave it a squeeze . The tightness of the jeans felt good , and even though he 'd had a massive orgasm less than an hour ago , he was horny again , and his cock wanted to squirt , and Jon contemplated jacking off inside Kenny 's boxers . Then he had an idea . Quickly he stripped down and put on Kenny 's faded and well - worn shorts first - the ones he picked up on Tuesday . They were the softest , and they were so old that Jon was certain Kenny had shot off in them before . Then he pulled Rod 's shorts , still damp from his previous ejaculation , over them . Finally , he put on the boxers Kenny gave him today . He arranged the waistbands so all three shorts were showing . His cock was throbbing like crazy at the thought of what he was about to do . Now he squeezed back into his jeans , which were much tighter with the three layers of shorts underneath them , so tight , in fact , that he couldn 't button the top button . Jon looked at his reflection in the mirror . He was wearing all these other guys ' boxers ! And they were all showing ! And he had a big boner in them , right where the other guys got their boners ! And he was wearing two pairs of Kenny 's , the same guy he 'd just jerked off ! Jon 's head was swimming with all these thoughts . His hand covered the straining lump of his hard - on and began rubbing . As he expected , Kenny 's worn shorts felt very soft and smooth against his tender prick . He could also feel a little of the cold wetness in Rod 's boxers . The room reeked of cum . Jon 's eyes were riveted on the reflection of his waist where three pairs of boxers showed above his pants . The first ones were his favorites - Kenny had worn them the most , they had the coolest pattern , and they were the ones his dick was now rubbing against and getting wet with pre - cum . With his free hand he fingered the three elastic waistbands , re - arranging them to show even more . The crotch seam of the inside pair pressed into his balls . Far from being uncomfortable , it just heightened the erotic feelings . Incredibly , he was just moments away from another orgasm . His hand was rubbing frantically over the bulge that pointed down his thigh . If he rubbed any harder he 'd have to worry more about the fabric giving way than any stains he might leave . But he didn 't have to worry about that . His balls were ready to eject another load . Hot wetness shot down his leg . His cock pushed angrily at the confining layers of cloth as it splattered hot cum all over Kenny 's old boxers . Despite his earlier orgasm , there was so much cum that it began soaking through all three boxers , making a small wet spot on the denim . He couldn 't help rubbing his spurting cock even more , milking the last of his load through the cloth . A couple of last squirts and it was over . Jon stood up straight and examined the damage in the mirror . His boner had softened only slightly , so it still made an obvious bulge . There was about a two inch wet spot showing through at the end , and a little of the creamy white stuff had even come through the denim . Jon couldn 't help giggling . He 'd just jacked off in these other guys ' underpants , and it felt great . He knew he 'd be doing more of it , but for now it was time to throw Kenny 's shorts in the wash so Kenny wouldn 't know . Rod 's , however , he 'd leave cum - stained for future enjoyment ! On Monday Jon saw Kenny walking to class . He glanced at Kenny 's pants and saw an unmistakable bulge there . Kenny was walking around with a boner for all to see ! Jon 's own cock tingled as he caught up with his friend . " Ha - ha , " Kenny replied sarcastically . " Shit ! I don 't know what I 'm going to do until tomorrow , man . It 's been like this all day . " " Uh , yeah , I can get them washed . No one will be home until five or six anyway . Gives me plenty of time , " Jon replied . " Great , " Kenny smirked as he took them . Then , as he noticed Jon was just standing there , he said , " What about the two pair of mine that I lent you . Can I get those back ? " " Dude , you better not have creamed in my boxers , " Kenny said after Jon handed them over and he immediately started to examine them . He saw the look on Jon 's face and knew that he had . " D - u - u - u - u - d - e , both pairs ? " On Tuesday morning Kenny pulled on Rod 's boxers and his softest pair of khakis . They were a little dressier than he liked , so he usually didn 't wear them to school , but they were the softest pants he had , and he also figured they 'd show a good wet spot . He then put on an oversized t - shirt . He knew he was going to make quite a stain with his dick outside of the boxers , and he didn 't want to have to rely on his books to hide it . The t - shirt went down well below his crotch , solving that problem . Kenny 's boner didn 't go down all through first period . As he walked to his second class he moved his books and quickly glanced down to see how obvious things were down there . Even with his loose oversized t - shirt he could tell there was a pole poking straight out from his crotch . When he got to class he sat down quickly . Jon walked into class , looked at Kenny and gave him a thumbs - up sign to encourage him . With about fifteen minutes to go in the class , Kenny stealthily reached into his pants pocket to begin masturbating , looking forward to a release he had denied himself for days . To his horror , he suddenly realized that this was not going to work ! The outside seam of the pants pocket was sewn to the leg seam . He couldn 't reach his cock ! Jon noticed the seemingly frantic activity in Kenny 's lap as Kenny tried to find a way to reach his boner under the cover of his khakis . Jon couldn 't quite figure out what was going on , but assumed that Kenny was really going for it so he could win the contest . He began his own concealed stroking , shifting his attention back and forth between the teacher and his jack - off buddy in the next row . Kenny had managed to get his cock through the fly of Rod 's boxers , and he even got it to bend over enough to allow him to wrap his pocket - covered fist over the head . But he really doubted he could get off like that . Finally , with only about five minutes to go , he thought about Rod 's technique for a hands - free orgasm . He pulled his hand out of his pocket , sat up a little and crossed his legs like he 'd seen Rod do . His cock was immediately enveloped in a fold of the soft khaki material . He began moving his hips as subtly as he could . Jon was amazed to see this . He had figured out that Kenny was trying Rod 's technique but couldn 't understand why , especially since Kenny had told him that he was never able to cum without stroking it . But Jon had his own ejaculation to worry about . He quietly jiggled his boner , ready at any time to squirt some juice into his shorts - just enough to make a spot that would keep him from having to do it in front of all the guys . Kenny was getting worried . His hip - thrusting against the khakis felt good , but the fabric was kind of thin and didn 't provide any pressure on his cock . He didn 't think it would be enough to make him shoot his load . Once again he shoved his hand in his pocket in an effort to give his cock some additional stimulation . He found that he could pull the fabric of his pants and make it slide against his throbbing hard - on . He put his other hand in his other pocket and began a tug of war , making the cloth slide back and forth . This he thought might work . But it was too late . The bell rang signaling the end of class . The students all stood up and quickly made their way out of the room . Kenny was desperately pulling his pants around and staring at the small cum stain on Jon 's jeans . It wasn 't going to work . He sighed and the tension left his body . " Let 's go , " was all he said . Read Part 3 Bob 's heart was beating fast . He was sitting in his dorm room and it was now a quarter past nine . Nick , the lacrosse player that had caused him so much confusion and apprehension in the past twenty - four hours , was late . He was supposed to be there at nine to explain his actions at the party the night before . Bob kept running the events through his mind and the waiting was making things worse . Had he done something to signal that he 'd welcome Nick 's sexual advances ? If so , it must be so repressed that he couldn 't imagine it . Regardless , why did he let Nick continue ? He was certainly no match for Nick physically , but he could have left . He could have said " No thanks . " He didn 't believe Nick would have forced him . Finally , there came a knock at the door . Bob stood up and immediately felt like he might pass out . He made it to the door , opened it , and there stood Nick . Bob held on to the door and looked up into the face of the four - inch taller man . Nick broke the silence by quietly asking if he could come in and get out of the hallway . Bob opened the door further and took a step back allowing Nick to enter and then shut the door behind him . Nick looked around . It was a typical two - person dorm room with two beds , two chest of drawers , two desks , and two chairs . The beds , which could be bunked , were unstacked with one on each side wall . Bob motioned for Nick to sit down on his bed and then grabbed his desk chair and sat facing him . Nick was beginning to worry again . Bob did not seem to be handling it well . Nick decided that honesty would be the best course of action . He might be able to bullshit a girl but he knew that Bob would see through it . He needed Bob to keep his mouth shut . Nick was feeling queasy in his stomach but continued anyway . " I 've never done anything like that here at college and it would destroy me if you told anyone . " Nick thought he saw Bob 's face twitch . Nick stopped talking and looked down at his feet . Still looking down , Nick responded , " No , I don 't think I 'm gay . When I saw you in the hallway I just suddenly wanted to watch you have sex with Julie . Then when you took off your clothes and I saw your dick . . . you started to get hard . . . it had been so long since I touched one . . . had . . . had one in my mouth . . . " Nick 's voice faded . Nick nodded and finally looked up . " I had a buddy in High School . When we weren 't getting any from any girls we 'd help each other out . I guess I got to like it . There 's something about a man 's body . . . But don 't get me wrong . I still like the ladies . " Nick paused and then said , " Opportunity . I had just fucked Julie and she was pretty wasted . I ran into you in the hall . No one was around . I figured she wouldn 't remember anything in the morning . Asking you to nail her would just be me sharing . . . completely straight . . . but then I lost control . " Bob took his time and chose his words carefully . " I like watching you jocks undress and pull on your straps and uniforms , and I like watching you come back in the locker room and stripping out of them and showering and horsing around . I think I 've always liked a man 's body too , though I 've never touched one or anything . " " I should thank you for sharing Julie last night . I was really horny and the girl I hoped to nail disappeared . I was looking for her when I ran into you , " Bob said . " I guess I should also thank you for the blowjob . It 's been a while since I got one . " " Sorry ' bout that , " replied Nick quickly . " When the idea struck me I wasn 't even sure I could get my head between you and the bed . I thought I was doing it pretty badly at first . You didn 't even notice . It wasn 't until you stopped and looked down that I realized I had made a mistake . " Bob looked at Nick as he had never looked at a guy before . Nick the lacrosse player . Nick the ladies ' man . Nick the good looking guy with a great athletic body . " I wouldn 't say you made a mistake . I just wasn 't prepared for it . I didn 't understand what was happening . I didn 't understand . . . myself . " Bob smiled . " Thanks . But I 'd guess you 're at least an inch bigger … though I didn 't get a very good look in your room last night . " I was standing by Tom when the store 's phone rang just after closing . He gave a sigh , looked at me , and said , " Guess I 'd better take that . " One of the problems of being the store manager was in having to go above and beyond the call of duty . . . and of the time clock . He took the steps into the little cubby which was the store customer service area . As he did , I watched the butt in those tight pants he had on . God , what a gorgeous ass this guy had on him ! I wanted to peel him out of those pants like peeling a grape , drop down and dive into those buns with my face , probing into his deep little crevice with my tongue ! The best way to describe Tom would be " delicious . " An odd adjective when applied to a person , maybe , but he has this thin - stranded shock of black hair on his head , a square face , more cute than handsome , and a body that wasn 't over - muscled but nicely defined . Sort of a marvelous compact package of masculinity you wanted to just eat up . Like I said , delicious ! " Sorry ! " I said , stepping to one side . Gregg was a big black dude . He 'd never tried to intimidate me per se , but he was pretty intimidating just the same without threats . When you 're big , strong , muscled and tough - looking like Gregg , you intimidate with a single look ! " Given it 's now ten o ' clock at night , I 'm ready for bed . Some of us have to work for a living . " Marvin punched his own time card . Gregg ran the checkout while Marvin was the bagger . Me , I was the stock boy , and Marvin and Tom helped me out from time to time . That was how our little small - town store held together . We stayed open until ten , but customers were thin after about eight o ' clock . Tom looked at us and the look in those eyes was haunted . " What do you want us to do now ? " he asked . " No , I haven 't called the police … Okay , I won 't let anyone leave . Can I tell them why ? " Tom apparently got the go - ahead from the phone , for he looked at us and said , " Caller on the phone says he 's got a bomb in the store … And he 's watching us all right now . . . We make one move he doesn 't want and he 'll trigger the bomb , " with pauses in his sentences , as the caller was telling him what to say . " Tom ? " I said again . " Are you sure he 's watching us ? " I looked around . A desk calendar was on Tom 's desk , and I picked it up . " Ask him what I 'm holding in my hand , " I said . " If he can 't tell us , he 's bluffing . And if he 's bluffing about seeing us , he 's probably bluffing about the bomb , too . " Tom thought about it , then nodded . " Prove you 're watching us . What does Felix have in his hand right now ? " he said to the caller . I looked at Tom with new eyes . He was ready to play hostage to save us ! It didn 't work , but I loved him more for it anyway . " Okay , what do you want from us , then ? " Tom went on , desperately . " We don 't have a lot of money . This is a small town and we make deposits every afternoon . A thousand is all we have , plus what 's in the register . " He listened to the man on the phone in silence for some time . " I can 't do that ! " he said , scandalized . Pause . " Come on , we 're not like that . These are my employees and my friends . You can 't ask me to . . . " " Oh man , oh man , oh man ! " Marvin went on . I would have been annoyed with Marvin if I hadn 't been so damned scared myself . If he needed to say " Oh , man ! " over and over in lieu of screaming , I could deal with it . By the books he and his girlfriend had toted in I could tell that they were college sophomores . I could also tell that the boy was horny as a cockle - bur , as he kept trying to put his arm around the girl , but she kept ducking , and every time he tried to kiss her she 'd turn her head , giving him a mouthful of frizzy blonde hair . He kept jiggling his legs nervously , and every once in a while he 'd reach down and give his cock a furtive , loving squeeze . I could also see that he had a raging hard - on . A chair 's leg scraping on linoleum recalled my attention to the reference - room duo . The boy had stood up , in an odd posture so the girl wouldn 't see his excitement , and he was saying something to her . Then , pocketing his hands to hide his boner , he marched right past me , headed for the men 's room . I knew what he 'd do once he got there . Any normal , red - blooded American male would do the same . He might really need to piss , but once he 'd wrapped his fingers around that bone - stiff slab of fuck - flesh he wouldn 't let go until he 'd jerked off that big load churning in his balls . I was willing to bet on it . And , horny as I was , I was ready to risk my job to get next to that hot boy while he milked off his horny meat . Who knows , maybe he 'll need a hand … or a hot , sucking mouth . It 's not like I had never done that type of thing in the library washroom before , so it was a possibility . I heard the slap - slap - slap of flesh against flesh the minute I creaked open the door . There were two stalls in the place , one of them occupied . When the door had swung closed behind me I bent over and looked under . I could see the college boy 's faded jeans atop his high - topped basketball shoes and could hear his belt jiggle as he beat his meat , now with swifter , quieter strokes . My own cock throbbed in my gray flannels as l realized how right I 'd been . Now , if I could only be right about his needing some help with his rigid young dick . The point is that there was this hole , a good three inches in diameter , in the wall between the two stalls . If I was careful I 'd at least get a look at the boy 's cock . If I played my cards right , before too long he 'd be standing with his belly plastered against the other side of that partition while I chowed down on the stiff inches he 'd slipped through the hole . I dropped my pants and sat down on the black , hard - rubber toilet seat . Leaning in towards the partition , I bent slowly forward until I could peep cautiously through the hole and got my first glimpse of what the college boy had between his legs : a fairly large , thick , cut cock . Pre - cum oozed from the slit in its purplish head , which he was using to lubricate the smooth , pink shaft as he quietly stroked . He had leaned well back on the toilet , affording me a perfect view of his groin . His hairy , muscular thighs fanned in and out with the motion of his right hand . His left hand toyed with his balls , rolling them between long fingers like a pair of enormous worry beads . I risked leaning far enough forward to get a look at his face . Handsome at worst , he looked even hotter now with his sensuous mouth hanging open , face flushed , eyes closed , thinking of what … his girlfriend ? I started to masturbate myself , slowly and quietly at first , gradually picking up speed and volume . Pretty soon I was going ninety - to - nothing . The tiled restroom echoed with the sound of fist scraping flesh . He followed suit , made more daring by the sounds of my masturbation and the few low moans I ventured . I knew he was turned on by it , too , by the novelty and forbiddingness of two guys jerking off next to each other . In time he uttered a little groan of his own . " Suit yourself , " I said . The difficulty of trying to sound nonchalant almost made my voice quiver , too , but I managed to keep it under control . " You ever had a blowjob ? " I asked . Yet another pause , then he said , " Sure , why not . " You could hear the shrug in his voice . He stood up , turned to face the partition , and moved towards me . For my money there 's no more beautiful sight than a hot cock coming at you through a glory hole . This one was particularly beautiful , and straight in all senses of the word . This was one cock I was going to relish closing my greedy lips around . When I first moved to the West Coast , I moved into the upper floor of an old house . On one side of my house , the others that had been there had been torn down some years ago and the land was made into a parking lot . On the other side , the next two houses had been turned into offices , one a lawyers ' office , the other a doctors ' office . Next to those was an empty lot , and next to that was an old , abandoned garage , which was right on the corner . Across the street , all of the old houses had been torn down , and in their place a two - storey YMCA had been built . It wasn 't the best street in the world , but it was all I could afford , and it had its advantages . It was pretty quiet at night , and , I soon discovered , had a great view , a view that is , from my living room window , right into the second level of the YMCA , where the sleeping quarters were . I had some great views of some pretty hot guys , mainly just seeing them getting undressed or walking back in their room from the showers and taking off their towel before putting on their underwear or getting in the bed . Besides being a place full of men , this YMCA was used a lot by the military . Some of these guys stayed for weeks at a time , while others only passed a night or two . Regardless , I got totally adept at juggling a pair of binoculars in one hand and my horny cock in the other as I took in their naked bodies and dangling cocks . One guy , who stayed for a long time , had that look of the perfect boy next door , only in uniform . He was a horny little bastard too ! Every night he 'd come in , strip off his clothes , pull out a girly magazine from under his bed and beat off for hours at a time . Naturally , I was watching and beating right along with him . Once , I even invited some friends over to look . We had a circle jerk and fought over the binoculars while that horny kid unknowingly put on a show for us across the street . There was a pretty good coffee shop on the ground floor of the Y , and I often ate supper there when I was too tired after work , or just too plain lazy to cook for myself . One evening as I was mowing down on a tuna melt , I glanced up and saw that the young sailor I 'd been watching had come in and was sitting in a booth facing me . This was the first time I had ever come across him , outside of my window , and I couldn 't help but stare and got mental images of him lying on his bed naked , beating his meat . I had barely finished taking my dick out of my pants when the sailor boy walked over and took position in front of the urinal next to mine . I kind of thought that was odd . Not only had he already been in there for a few minutes before me , plenty of time to take a piss , but most guys use the washroom first , and then wash their hands , not the other way around . " Hmm , I saw you looking at me and at first I was annoyed that you were starin ' , but then I thought you looked familiar and figured you were lookin ' because you thought you knew me too . You sure we don 't know each other ? I could swear I 've seen you somewhere before . " |
We have been fully enjoying winter break here in Fitzville , especially with the daily entertainment provided by our cast of characters . I wasn 't sure who to deem the most insane with this one . . . Fitz for snowblowing a 15 foot mountain of snow in our backyard . . . Or Charlie for deciding to snowboard off it . . . Even with the melting the past couple of days , it was awfully high and steep . And speaking of Charlie , we are all very aware of Charlie 's obsession interest in Australia . . . he is planning to move there when he is 18 . So his list for Santa this year didn 't surprise us . . . same country , different theme . Last year was the outback , this year it 's Rugby , Australia World Cup style . And last but not least , this is that you get when you ask the youngest member of Fitzville to set the table . . . ( and yes , that is Charlie in the background gearing up for yet another cartwheel , maybe off the dining room table this time . ) Posted by I have always liked the song " Do They Know it 's Christmas " , but for some reason it always put me a little on edge as well . I guess I had always thought that was the intention of the song . . . to make us think , to make us feel a little guilty for all our excesses here in the States . But yesterday , as I drove to the mall to finish up my shopping , I sat and listened to the song again . I realized exactly what it is that has bothered me all along . It 's that one line . . . the title of the song . " Do they know it 's Christmas ? " I get the idea of the song . It was a wonderful project and an incredibly successful fundraiser for a worthy cause . But how presumptuous of anyone to question whether someone knows it 's Christmas just because they live in a third world country . How sad it is that we have all come to believe that we " know " Christmas because of our trees and parties and eggnog and our expensive gifts . Pipo arrived just a week before Christmas 3 years ago , and I know it was overwhelming for him . With the language barrier back then , it was impossible for him to tell us exactly what he was feeling , but I would love to have gotten inside his head . I am pretty sure he thought we were all nuts with the tree inside our house , and lights hanging on the outside , and the fat guy in the red suit everywhere . But the one thing he definitely knew , and knew with a faith that humbled me , was that Christmas was the birthday of Jesus . In the 3 years since , that faith has come through many times . This is a boy who has lived the life of all those people ' Bandaid ' was trying to save back in the 80 's . He has seen the devastation of Aids firsthand , he has gone without meals , he has gone without water . But he never was without faith , without God . He had never seen a Christmas tree , or tasted eggnog , but you can bet he knew what Christmas was about , and without any English at all , he let us know that he knew . As I sat in traffic yesterday , I wondered what someone from a third world country would be thinking if they had a glimpse of America these laPosted by A foot of snow out there , and it 's still coming down hard this morning . It 's beginning to look a lot like Christmas . . . finally . The kids were outside pretty much all afternoon , and then at a snowfort building party at a friend 's last night . We need to build an addition to put wet snowthings to dry . Tonight we celebrated Pipo 's 3 year anniversary . It 's amazing to me how quickly it 's gone by , and how much he has grown and changed in 3 years . That first night , Fitz had to carry him upstairs to bed , because he was to weak to climb the stairs . This Friday , he will compete in his first wrestling match . ( Well . . . first ' real ' one , on a team . . . as opposed to the frequent matches in our basement between brothers ! ) It 's hard to believe this strong , confident boy was that same weak , sick little thing that came into our lives 3 years ago . Pipo requested Korean food tonight , so Fitz very happily took him out while we made a cake for him . Good thing he was full of korean food . . . he decided to share the cake with us ! This last shot is just because . I can 't believe how old he is looking . I was out with just Tommy today for an audiology exam . It was a long test , and he was very patient , so on the way out I bought him a pack of gum . Driving home in dark van , I reached my hand back and asked if I could have some . " Sure , " he replied sweetly , as I felt a wet glob being smeared across my fingers , " you can have half of mine ! " So the cards have been sent , and the feedback is starting to roll in . . . this year 's card is a hit . I had posted earlier that I was feeling under pressure this year to come up with a good one . The new header picture is the front of our card . It was one of my easiest pictures . . . no worrying about red eye , or people blinking , or even everyone looking at the camera and smiling . They were a bit sillier doing this shoot , but it just made it that much more fun . . . which led to the inside picture . . . Peace Out ! It 's hard for me to believe that this . . . Is now this . . . You honestly couldn 't ask for a sweeter kid . This morning , Charlie came downstairs and said " Happy Birthday Tommy ! " Tommy very sweetly replied " happy birthday to you too . " I have mentioned before that Charlie puts the capital H in adHd . He has always taken every physical outlet to a whole new extreme . His ' thing ' for the past few months has been cartwheels . He does cartwheels everywhere . Cartwheels in the hallway , in the grocery store , on the sidewalk , in the middle of a soccer game . . . I will even throw in some pictures of Charlie doing cartwheels in the kitchen . Recently , Fitz and I met with a psychologist who is doing some testing on Charlie . She asked about his activity level , and his impulsivity . We mentioned the cartwheels to her . Later that afternoon , I stopped by her office to drop off some paperwork . I had 4 of the kids with me , Charlie included . Yep . . . right in the waiting area , as I am speaking with the psychologist . . . a cartwheel . At least it was a good example for her . But lately , the cartwheels seem to have taken a new toll . I bought Charlie some new sneakers recently . By recently , I mean a week and a half ago . The other day I noticed some stitching coming undone . These were good New Balance sneakers , so I wasn 't happy to see them falling apart after just a week and a half . So the next day I brought Charlie and his new shoes down to the shoestore . The very nice shoe man , who has been working at our small town store for decades , looked at the shoes and told me that Charlie has set a new record . If it was just the stitching coming undone , we could call it a defect . But this boy had worn much of the tread off of the shoes in several different places . In the words of the shoe guy " It 's like he 's some kind of machine ! " Laugh if you want . . . you are not the one buying shoes for this kid . It 's time again for the annual Christmas picture . With Fitz and I both coming from big families , there are many , many aunts and uncles that expect this picture each year . Every year I plan a day of torture picture taking , and get the kids dressed in their matching outfits . They all whine and complain smile and hug , and just make it such a ridiculously difficult wonderful , easy job for me ! But seriously , we 've got some good shots over the years . . . The last two Christmas cards having all 7 kids together . So at my Mom 's recent party , all my aunts and uncles were asking about this years card . I feel like I have upped the anti , and am under pressure this year to come up with something good . So Monday night , with some last minute scurrying to get things together , we did it . And I wish I had a video camera going at the same time . I don 't think there is anything more comical than trying to get 7 kids organized for a picture . It 's like trying to lasso a herd of cats . And with one of those cats being Charlie , it makes it that much more interesting . Honestly , out of about 30 - 40 pictures last year , I think I got 2 or 3 shots where Charlie was standing relatively still and looking in the general direction of the camera . I am glad we can all laugh during and after the process , because if not , we would all ( me ) go insane . So now you will just have to wait till the card shows up in your mailbox . And when it does . . . please think of me . . . of me and my sanity . If there is anything that we have gotten out of the last few weeks , it is a reminder of how precious life is . How we need sit back every so often and appreciate every little thing we are given . This past Sunday we celebrated my mother 's 70th birthday here . It was an amazing day , with a houseful of friends and relatives , many of whom I hadn 't seen in years . My mom is one of 10 , and many of my aunts and uncles live a good distance away , and don 't travel as much these days . So many of them hadn 't seen my kids since they were babies . . . had never even met Pipo . There is nothing to remind you of your own blessings like seeing your children through other people 's eyes . . . especially someone older . Some very dear old friends of my parents sent us a beautiful note today thanking us for inviting them to the party . They gave us one of the highest compliments I think I could ever receive . . . that we have created a " real home " here . It reminded me how silly it is that I stressed about the matching hand towel in the bathroom , and what color the tablecloth was . The things people noticed was the warm open environment they felt coming into the house . They didn 't notice the cobwebs in the corner , or the dust on some of the picture frames . . . they noticed Kaleigh playing music with an older cousin she had never met . They noticed Charlie telling stories to his namesake , my Uncle Charlie . They noticed my kids and my brothers kids racing around the backyard after a soccer ball . We are so incredibly lucky to have such an amazing family . . . and not just the people in our house . . . the uncles and aunts that drive great distances , my brothers that came and laughed and talked about old memories with cousins , my parents , celebrating another big milestone . Yesterday I had dentist appointments for all 7 kids . For some , that might sound like some type of torture , but lately with our ever growing schedules as the kids get older , it 's so rare to have all 7 of them together . I sat in the waiting room looking around at all of them talking and laughing , anPosted by How do you say goodbye to someone you thought would be around forever ? How do you explain to your children that that person is gone ? How do you get beyond all the ' whys ' and ' what fors ' ? How do you manage to start life again when your family is one person less than it was yesterday ? Last night Fitz and I stood by and watched his brother say goodbye to his best friend , soulmate , wife of over two decades . We watched as our three nieces said goodbye to their mother . We stood and watched a heartwrenching beauty unfold . . . a scene so powerful and moving and horrifically sad and beautifully spiritual all at the same time . Talking to all the kids was as expected , they each took it in very different ways . But little Emma , curled up on Fitz 's lap said it best of all . . . " How cool . . . Aunt Karen is my Godmother , and now she 's going to get to see God ! " Yes , Emma , Yes . And this is how we go on , this is how we say goodbye . . . by having Faith in things beyond us . By knowing deep in our hearts that there is something more , something even better , something beyond the pain and suffering . Yesterday , after I had gotten the call from Fitz that it would be very soon , and we should come at once , I turned on the radio in the car to try and calm myself down . The song playing as I turned it on was " Carolina in my Mind " by James Taylor . Karen was a huge James Taylor fan , and I couldn 't stop the tears as I listed to the words . . . Karen she 's a silver sunYou best walk her way and watch it shinin ' Watch her watch the mornin ' comeA silver tear appearing nowI 'm cryin ' ain 't IGone to Carolina in my mindThere ain 't no doubt it no ones mindThat loves the finest thing aroundWhisper something soft and kindAnd hey babe the sky 's on fire , I 'm dyin ' ain 't IGone to Carolina in my mindIn my mind I 'm goin ' to CarolinaCan 't you see the sunshineCan 't you just feel the moonshineAin 't it just like a friend of mineIt hit me from behindYes I 'm goin ' to Carolina in my mindShe was amazing in every way possible . . . as a mother , a friend , a sister in law , a daughter . . . She is a shPosted by I had said I was going to be better with my camera . . . and I have . I just haven 't been better with posting pictures . Conversation between brothers Many nights , I find myself browsing the various adoption blogs around the internet . I have connected with some great people this way , and have found some great resources as well . Every once in a while I will stumble upon a story that really touches my heart . Misha 's story is one of them . Maybe because he such a beautiful kid , maybe because the rare condition he is afflicted with is the same as our neighbor and very good friend , or maybe because this family 's story is so similar to our own . In whatever way it touched me . . . it touched me deeply , and I want to help . I desperately want to help in any way I can . Fitz and I will be spreading the word in our area , and finding sources of fundraising . I know more people read this blog than actually comment , so if you are reading now , I ask you a simple favor . . . visit Misha 's blog . . . take a look , see if you can help , and spread the word . I know when we were bringing Pipo home , we had no idea what we were getting into . 6 kids already , living on a teacher 's salary , we were not in a position financially to bring home an older child with serious medical issues . But with every wall we hit , we were blessed . Over and over , family , friends , and even complete strangers reached out their hands and hearts to help a little boy in a desperate situation . I look at Pipo now . . . he is absolutely thriving . I can 't even think about where he would be if it weren 't for the kindness of all of those people . The reality is , he wouldn 't be here . His doctor in Haiti told us he wouldn 't make it much longer . I am so incredibly thankful that we were told about him when we were , and that so many people were there to support us . I can 't imagine life without this boy . He is heart and soul part of our family , and it 's hard to remember what life was like without him . Please consider helping make Misha a part of his new family . Help save him from a fate he doesn 't deserve . Take a look at their story , and pass the word . I rarely talk about politics . Never here on this blog , but it 's rare for me to get into a political discussion anywhere . My brain shuts off and I look for a quick escape if I see that is where a discussion is heading . But I am going to break from my usual habits to just discuss one thing . Recently , we received an invitation to a fundraiser for someone running for State Representative . Now , I have nothing against this candidate , and a dinner at a local restaurant sounds fun , and a good way to raise some funds . But it had me thinking about the bigger picture . During this presidential election I have been listening more to the news about the money involved in financing campaigns . It 's always made me sick to hear the size of the figures mentioned , but this time around it is hitting me harder . Maybe it 's our own personal financial strain , maybe it 's reading about Pipo 's home village being hit so hard with the recent hurricanes , or maybe it 's just the huge downward spiral our economy is in . Whatever the reason , hearing the amount of money being shoveled into all these campaign funds is making me want to vomit lately . I think maybe it started back in February when the Clinton / Obama race was heating up , and Hillary loaned her own campaign 5 million dollars . I listened to that on the radio , and my head started spinning . With rising oil costs , how many families here in America were struggling to heat there homes ? How many families didn 't even have homes ? How many were struggling to feed their families ? That 5 million sure could have gone far . Clinton wasn 't the only one though . . . all the presidential candidates were racking up huge numbers . It 's estimated that this years election will cost about 5 . 3 billion dollars . Think about that . . . 5 . 3 billion dollars . How many 3rd world countries could be helped with that ? How many hungry people fed ? How many economies helped towards stabilization ? For just once , I would like to see a candidate that wasn 't rolling in money . An average Joe kinda guy . . . someone who works and struggles and lPosted by Okay , so I did go out with my camera , we did play , but life caught up to us again , and I have hardly had time to upload pictures . Here we go . . . Emma going off the bike rampTommy , doing some homework . This boy loves kindergarten ! Charlie reading . . . something he can 't get enough of lately ! So cool to see him sitting still for once in his life ! I have more , but for some reason Blogger keeps flipping them sideways when I post them . I keep trying to fix them , but I am out of energy ! Tonight is the annual dinner for the Saint Boniface Foundation . This is the organization responsible for our becoming parents for the 7th time . Not only did we find out about Pipo through a good friend who is now their programming director , but the Saint Boniface hospital , and there wonderful doctors , are what kept Pipo going until we could get him here . Pipo 's specialist here in Boston is continually commenting on how well he is doing , and how amazing it is that they were able to keep him going all that time in Haiti considering their limited resources . We are forever thankful for the good care that he recieved from Saint Boniface . Pipo was very excited to get dressed up for this dinner tonight . He looks forward to it every year . So many people that work in Haiti attend each year , and it is so nice to hear stories about our son when he was small . It 's so great for the people there to see a success story too . All of these people knew Pipo when he was very sick , so it is incredible for them to se him happy , healthy and thriving . And I must say . . . he is an incredibly good looking kid ! ( Not that I am a biased mom or anything ! In one of those funny coincidences that life likes to throw at us all , the same weekend that my little niece had a burst appendix , I got a call from the school system . A kindergarten teacher had been rushed to the hospital with a burst appendix as well . Both patients are home now , and recovering well . I , on the other hand , was thrown straight into the fire of full time teaching again . And I can tell you . . . I wouldn 't recommend teaching kindergarten full time while raising 7 kids and trying to run a house . I 'm not sure my family would recommend it either . Not unless substitutes were paid enough to hire a housekeeper . . . and a cook . . . and maybe a nanny . But alas , even regular teachers don 't get paid enough for that , so it 's just me , trying to keep all those balls in the air . With some help from a phenomenal best friend who has picked up the slack ( and he cooks too ! ) . Honestly , I love being back in the classroom , and it 's nice to be in one place , where I have gotten to know the kids well , and am able to really come up with my own lesson plans . But the laundry is still there to greet me each night , along with 7 hungry kids , and a house that needs cleaning . Soccer practice , band , chorus , CCD and 4 - h are still going , and people need rides to and from . And grocery shopping . . . it 's a never ending cycle . I swear , while we are all out of the house each day , gremlins must come in and eat , because we can 't seem to keep food in the house . So sadly , something 's got to give . And it seems to be blogging . I am looking at my camera sitting here by the computer gathering dust , and realizing at the very least that I should try to take pictures . It 's a beautiful fall day , and the laundry pile can wait , dinner can be a bit later tonight . . . the kids need someone to play with , and someone has to be there to remember these moments . So I am holding myself accountable here in print . I am off to play , off to take pictures , and I will make myself post them at some time in the near future . This is Tommy with my niece and godchild , Tori . This weekend , Tori was rushed to the hospital with a ruptured appendix . Not a common thing for a 5 year old . She is doing well , recovering from surgery yesterday , and waiting and watching for infection . She is a spitfire of a kid who holds her own with her 2 older siblings , so I have no doubt that she will be up and about in no time . But it 's no fun to be cooped up in a hospital when you are just in kindergarten ! I 've been called fairly regularly to sub the last 2 weeks , and it 's something brand new everyday . Part of the fun of it for me is having a whole new set of kids each day , sometimes whole new age groups . Yesterday I spent the afternoon in one of the kindergarten classes . One small girl sitting in the front row during story time was frantically waving her hand . When I finally called on her , she held her hand out to me and said " Mrs . Fitz , I picked some boogers out of my nose . . . can I go throw them away ? " There are childhood memories , and then there are childhood memories . What stands out most prominently from my own childhood , are not just the cool moments , but the people involved in them . Yes there were good friends , cool teachers . . . but every once in a while , there would me some one that stood out in a different way . In my childhood , that was the mailman and the milkman . Two people in everyday jobs , that could have just gone about there work and never made an impact . But they didn 't . They stepped out of their box , and made memories for myself and the other kids in our neighborhood that define what childhood should be . Our mailman always came by late afternoon , after school was out . Inevitably there would be a neighborhood game in progress , usually being played in the road . When a car came , ( which was rare before 6pm when all the Dads came home ) we would all yell " CAR " and move the street hockey nets , stickball bases or whatever was out in the road with us . Almost every afternoon , our mailman would take a short break , drop his bag on the nearest lawn , and jump into our game for a moment . We all loved it . No matter whose team he jumped into , we would all scream and cheer as he grabbed the whiffle ball bat , or slapped a tennis ball by our goalie . Our milkman came by late morning , and before I was school aged , I can remember hearing his truck pull into the driveway . I would race outside as he rolled up the back door to his truck . He would let me climb in , and wait as long as I needed to pick out my favorite icecream flavor . Then he would make a big deal as I helped him carry in all the ' very important ' things my mom needed . . . milk , juice , eggs . He made me feel like his most important helper every time . I am sure part of this was fun for these guys . . . maybe a much needed break in a somewhat mundane day . But to us kids , this was the world . It was an adult letting us into their world , taking notice of us , letting us know we mattered . My kids have lucked out in getting just such a guy in their own lives . Our ice cream manPosted by I 've been up since 6 : 30am . . . no matter that it 's a weekend . After taking the last of the soccer gear , ( countless pairs of black socks and black shorts ) out of the dryer , I begin to fill water bottles . I just dropped Kaleigh off at the highschool to catch the bus to her varsity game , over an hour away . Fitz and I will spend the day tag teaming , getting the rest of the crew to their various games in various towns . I have boy duty today . . . Charlie 's game is about 40 minutes away , and we lucked out . . . Pipo and E . J . 's game is on the way home , just off the highway . Fitz will be doing TigerCub duty with Tommy and trekking Margaret to the next town over . And so go our Saturdays . Why do we do it ? We both work hard all week , why spend what could be a rare day off shuffling from one field to another , rushing them all from one game to the next ? It would be easy to say we love it , but I 'll admit there are those mornings we definitely don 't . It would be easy to say the kids love it , and I am pretty sure they do . But the reality is , this is one piece of the puzzle of living in a large family . I want my kids to be able to do anything they want . But the reality is , 7 kids on a teachers salary doesn 't put us in that position . And it 's not just money . . . it 's time . If 7 kids were doing 7 different activities , there just wouldn 't be time enough in the day , or the week to get them all where they need to be . Soccer is such a great sport . . . it allows them to be with friends , develop skills , stay fit , learn teamwork and determination . . . but most of all , it 's inexpensive and convenient . Many of them practice on the same field . The schedule is organized with families of multiple children in mind . . . the games are all staggered throughout the day . And with that thought . . . I will load up the van . Game on ! Emma is loving second grade and learning all kinds of new things . Apparently , the new word she has learned is " Vertical " . And in only the way that 7 year old minds can work , this morning she said " I 'm going to find everything that 's vertical . What 's vertical ? Telephone poles are vertical ! " Do you know how many telephone poles we pass on our ride to school ? 8 , 472 of them . I know , because that is exactly how many times Emma shouted " VERTICAL ! " on our way to school this morning . For 11 years now , I have been a stay at home mom . None of our kids have gone to preschool , so they were home full time until kindergarten . Tommy had his first day of kindergarten last week , and there were no tears , not even a misty eye here . It was exhilarating driving away that morning . . . knowing I had done a good job , shown all my little chicks their wings and taught them to fly . Pipo and E . J . 's school had not started yet though , so I was still home with them . Today , the boys went off to school with Fitz and I drove the other 5 off to their respective schools , and after a quick doctor 's appointment for Kaleigh , I came home to an empty house . After 11 years , I wondered what emotions would be going through my head at this moment . The strongest one was the most unexpected . Not joy , not exhilaration , not sadness , or wistfulness . . . it was depression . I sit here now wondering who I am all of a sudden . For all these years I have fully embraced the role of " mom " . It was who I was . Now I am fully aware that I am still a mom , but for 6 hours a day now I need to redefine myself . I will be substitute teaching this year , and I know once I get started , I will feel once more like the teacher I was many years ago . But today I have no role . . . no purpose . It 's a hard feeling to sit here with . I am beyond excited to see who my kids are turning out to be . No sadness here about days gone by , no more babies . But who am I turning out to be ? What have these 11 years given me ? Who is going to show me my wings ? People always told me I would probably cry when my youngest went off to school . I always laughed at that , and said " no , not me ! " But they were right . I just had no idea why I would be crying . It 's not the loss of the babies and toddlers . . . it 's the loss of myself . * * * * * * * * And on that note , I am going to pirate a cartoon of my brother 's . . . I only wish it was this easy . . . Thanks Jim . We had stopped home for just the night last week , before catching our flight for the West Coast . Fitz had cleaned out the refrigerator while we were away , and it was completely empty so we ordered some pizza for dinner . When it arrived ( our usual 2 large cheese , one large meatball ) I called the kids up to eat . Pipo was absorbed in the television , and did not come up right away . When he did , the meatball pizza , his favorite , was gone . He came to me very unhappy . I was in the middle of sorting clothes and packing for 9 , and had no patience for crying over lack of meatballs . There was plenty of cheese pizza left . I sent him outside to Fitz , who was doing schoolwork on his laptop out on the porch . I continued with my packing , and eventually sent all the other kids up to bed . When Fitz came in later , he told me that Pipo had cried outside for over an hour about that meatball pizza . My initial reaction was impatience and anger . We were doing all this work to take a great trip , and treated the kids to pizza to make things easier , and this is his reaction ? Then Fitz told me another part of the story . When we had arrived home that night , Pipo did the first thing he always does . . . he went and opened the refrigerator . I didn 't think much of it at the time . I knew it was empty , and I told the kids that we would be getting pizza . We didn 't need to shop because we would be gone for the week . Now though , I thought about exactly what this meant to our son . Every time he comes home form anywhere , he looks in the refrigerator . Fitz does this too , and I thought it was just a ' guy thing ' . But for Pipo , the need to look in that refrigerator is so much greater . He spent so much of his young life hungry , and he needs to know that there is food available . Even 2 and a half years down the road , he still doesn 't always trust that the food will be there . Before bringing Pipo home , I read everything I could find on adopting older children . There has been much written about food issues , and I myself had taught Russian orphans who had food stealPosted by Another month has past without a new post , but not for lack of things to write about . Simply for lack of time to write . All told we ended up spending close to 6 weeks at camp this summer , which the kids couldn 't have been happier about . At the end , it was incredibly difficult to leave . How do you say goodbye to a place you have come to call home ? How do you say goodbye to people you have lived with , laughed with , cried with for such a stretch of time ? How do you say goodbye to those same people who have loved and cared for your children as their own ? We are just thankful to know what a huge place Windsor Mountain has become in our hearts and that it will stay a major part of our summers in years to come . We left camp to spend another wonderful week on Cape Cod with family and friends , and then ended our summer with an enormous bang , flying out to the West Coast for the wedding of Shannon , our oldest niece . All 9 of us on a plane , it was quite an experience . The wedding was amazing , held at a gorgeous vineyard outside of Portland , OR . But after the wedding , we spent a few days in one of the most beautiful places I 've seen . . . Manzanita . What a perfect way to end a perfect summer . All 9 of us together , with bonfires on the beach , long lazy breakfasts , and fulfilling Charlie 's life long dream , learning to surf ! I have so much in my head , I will try to be posting more in the near future . But as soon as the plane landed in Logan , we were back to reality . . . school , soccer and all the scheduling that goes with it . So for now , we will look back at the pictures , and remember the magic . It 's been almost a month since I 've posted , almost a month since I have been home . Our 10 days at camp stretched into 2 weeks , which quickly became 3 . We drove straight from camp to the Cape for a few days of R & R before we head back to camp this weekend . I have been splitting my time at camp between the HMO ( infirmary ) and the kitchen . My time in the kitchen is worthy of an entire post of it 's own , and when I have the time and energy in the next few days , I 'll do just that . But the busyness of my days has kept me way from my camera , and I haven 't been able to capture the pure magic this summer has been for our kids . I haven 't been able to capture the way they have been consumed by independence , even little Tommy running off in the morning at the sound of the bell , eager to start a new day . Or the way E . J . has broken out of his shell , volunteering for a 3 day trip to rural Maine to perform original plays at local libraries . Or how Margaret was so determined to improve her swimming that she took swim class every rotation and was able to pass through two levels . Or how Pipo impressed all the boys from Spain with his header goal in the last minutes of the soccer game . Or how Charlie took a short break from playing sports each and every period to sign up for Japanese lessons ( or could it have been because of the cute little 8yo Japanese camper ? ) Or how Emma immersed herself so much into the girls side of camp she was surrounded by teary friends on the day we left . I am sad I wasn 't behind my camera to capture all these moments , but I know in my heart that my trusty old Canon wouldn 't have done them justice . Even the most advanced of cameras can 't capture the magic we have seen in the last month . We will head back to camp this weekend , and I will try to break free of my duties a bit and snap a few pictures , but the magic that can 't be captured will live on in the hearts of all my kids . They are truly having a summer out of childhood fantasies . Although we haven 't seen Kaleigh in almost a month as well , I am sure that shePosted by The young boy pulls his hat down lower , self conscious of his newly bandaged face , of the deep scars visible under the brim of his cap . He is spending the day with a family he doesn 't know , and he is nervous and shy . The customs , the people , the language in this country are all strange to him . He runs through the park , following the other kids , but not entirely sure why he is there . Eventually , he is encouraged by their laughter , a universal language , and he joins in their antics , climbing the trees and running through the winding paths created by the shrubbery . Later , at the strange family 's house , he sits quietly off to the side , watching the kids play games that are foreign to him . The lady speaks a few words of Kreyol to him , trying her best to remember the native language of one of her own sons . He nods his head quietly , acknowledging her with a soft " Wi . " She points to a rack of bikes in the driveway , and the boy shows some interest , but hesitates , shy again . She holds the bike , and he climbs on . He stumbles , catching himself , rights the bike and tries again . She holds the back of the bike and guides him a ways down the street . Slowly , surely , the boy gains his balance , and wobbles along on his own for a few feet . A few more tries , and he is riding on his own . . . a freedom he has never known before . Finally , she sees what she has been waiting for . As he rides down the street , even the hat pulled down low on his face can 't hide it . His smile begins slowly with just a hint at his lips . By the time he is riding past her , it has blossomed into a wide grin . For only a moment , the fears , the strangeness , even the new scars from his recent surgery are forgotten . He is a little boy , who has just learned to ride his first bike . There have been many blogs lately talking about older child adoption . These moms are speaking from the heart , openly sharing there experiences and putting it out there for other parents to read . This post really struck close to home for me , made me think . The same blogger wrote more posts that are beautiful and heartfelt , and explain how each child is so different . . . there is no way to prepare completely for any child at any age . The more I read , the more I found . . . parents adopting at all different ages , all having very different experiences , but in so many ways , similar experiences . Blogs like this one , and this one . Reading all of this made me think about our own experiences . I have always tried to find a good analogy for adopting the older child , and used to explain it as a game of chess . . . where you are always thinking three moves ahead . But that doesn 't explain it fully . Our ' low ' times with Pipo are few and far between these days , and much less severe , but they are still there . We had one such moment over the weekend , and Fitz and I spent half a day trying to understand this little boy , trying to figure out where he was coming from , why he acted the way he did . And suddenly it dawned on me . It is like reading a book . Have you ever read a long , complicated novel ? Harry Potter stands out to me . Often in the Harry Potter series , I found myself flipping back chapters , to remember certain scenes , certain conversations between characters to help me understand what was happening in the current part of the book . Much in the same way , I often find myself doing this with my bio kids . When they react to a situation in a different way than their siblings , I can look back through our share of stored memories and understand where they are coming from . Tommy had so many health issues as a baby and toddler ; it makes sense that he is terrified at doctor 's appointments . Kaleigh had a horrible experience accidently hitting a beehive in the woods with Fitz . She is terrified of bees . She is so much more dramatic at the sight of Posted by I interrupt this blog for a very important announcement . Pipo and EJ came brought home the 2nd place trophies for Minor League baseball tonight . Pipo has waited 2 . 5 long years to earn a " big trophy " like the many big sister Kaleigh has . He was not going to let go of that thing . He even managed to ride his bike home from the park while carrying it ! Our first trip to the Cape is officially past , having left the day after school got out last week . We arrived home early yesterday , and i set about getting all the unpacking , laundry , and small errands done so we can head out again on Friday . Summers over the past few years have developed a fairly consistent routine here . We head out on an adventure , be it the Cape , camp up in New Hampshire or our annual pilgrimage to Vermont . We come home for a day or two in between , to do laundry and repack . So here we are home for our first ' in between ' visit . I have posted before about how much I love this town . Everything about it , from the fantastic schools , to the great neighborhood we live in , to the coolest little downtown with every great type of restaurant you can imagine . Often , when I am running around , toting various Fitzlings to school or soccer practice , or a baseball game , I see something that reminds me how much I love this town . It could be a group of high school boys playing a game of pick up basketball at the old elementary school building , it could be an elderly couple strolling hand in hand towards downtown , it could be neighbors out doing yard work or chatting over their fences or even watching my own crew racing up and down the street with the neighborhood kids on their bikes . I often look around me and think that this is Norman Rockwell in living color . Yesterday , as I drove through town running all my little errands , I saw all of those scenes pass by . But this time , it didn 't make me feel all warm and fuzzy and nostalgic . The sun was shining , and it was a gorgeous 75 degree summer day , but I was not in a great mood . I wasn 't looking around me thinking proudly how this is ' my town . . . this is where I belong ' . In fact , I was feeling very much like I didn 't belong . Suddenly I realized that all my good thoughts revolve around 9 months of the year . 9 months of the year , this is our home , this is where I want to be more than any place in the world , where I want to raise my kids . But these days , those other threePosted by Recently , I recieved a phone call from a neighborhood mother that two unnamed Fitzlings were teasing a younger boy in the neighborhood . When I asked the two culprits , they both confessed quickly to the crime . They were asked to go immediately to their room to each write two notes of apology , one to the little boy , and one to his mother . They did so without questioning . After they were written and inspected , they rode their bikes down to deliver them . The mother called immediately afterwards , surprised , and thankful that I had handled the situation so quickly , and asked about the use of apology notes . Apology notes are standard here in Fitzville . They have been written for everything to disrespectfulness to a soccer coach at practice , to forgetting a major assignment for a teacher , to breaking the toy of a sibling . A personal favorite note of mine is saved . . . stashed away in a folder somewhere . This particular child was left in the care of a grandmother while Fitz and I were away . When we returned , said child was up in their room , and Grandma told us she was writing a note , and would be down soon . When the note was handed over it read " Dere Gramma , I sawwy I thwoed da Kat . " It was hard to keep a stern face in that instant , and remind the child that tossing the new kitten in the air was not a good idea . But despite the age and lack of spelling skills . . . the note was written , the point was made . All of our kids have had to write notes over the years ( some more than others ) The length and content of the note depend on the age of the child . As they have gotten older , they know that it is not a simple " I 'm sorry " . They need to reflect on why they are sorry . . . and how they can make it better . This has worked well for us in so many ways . It is an immediate consequence , it makes them really think about why what they did was wrong , and helps them understand exactly how their behavior affects other people . And as an added bonus , it boosts writing skills ! So many times I question my parenting tactics , especially when dealing wPosted by |
Ah , it 's been too long since I 've posted ! I 've just had too many other things to do and sleep is becoming more and more valued . But I wanted to catch you up on my week because some crazy , interesting things have happened . And this post probably will have typos and not flow well , because I 'm tired . And me typing when I 'm tired always turns out interesting , but like I said , I needed to post something . On Wednesday Jillian hung out at the office for a while . We played with the caterpillars and then put them on our feet so I could take a picture for the blog . Random , I know , but that pretty much sums us up . Wednesday night was our last Well gathering of the semester . We were also under a tornado warning . So , it was the very last song and the band is playing and singing like crazy , the students are singing super loud , and the lights are awesome . I was taking a few pictures when I noticed a few flashes out of the corner of my eye . I thought that since it was the last service and everything was awesome that maybe a few people were taking pictures . So I put my camera down and look up and realized that the flashing was coming from the fire alarm / emergency lights ! I walked toward the back hallway and as soon as I opened the doors I heard the loud , slow wamp . . . wamp . . . wamp of the alarm . Drew saw me poking my head out of the door and motioned for me to get back inside , so I 'm thinking " The church just got hit by a tornado ! " I go back inside the auditorium and the band and the students are still playing and singing like crazy , the emergency lights are still flashing and now I can hear the echo of the alarm in my head . For a moment I thought " Oh my goodness , Jesus is coming back ! " But obviously He didn 't . I was disappointed . After we wrapped everything up James basically had to tell the students to grab a donut and go home . And when I walked back into the hallway I noticed the red flashing lights of the fire engine that had come and the firemen walking around . They had showed up to figure out why the alarm had gone off . It was nuts . When it was finally time for us to go , it was like deja vu . As I 'm walking to my car the rain picks up and by the time I get inside , it 's pouring again . I sat there for a little while and came really close to going back in and telling Drew or Samantha that I was going home with them , because I did not want to drive in that rain . But I did and made it home ok , even though it took a while because I was going like 20 miles per hour . And I ended up sleeping on the floor that night . They were calling for more storms in the night and my bed is right under my window , which shakes enough in light wind , I dOk , so crazy thing about Thursday , there was a possum at The Well House ! In the middle of the day . That 's odd . I saw it in the flower beds at first and thought it was a cat and then when I saw it 's long , nasty tail I knew it was a possum . It climbed the tree really quickly and then sat there for a while so I could get some pictures . Then it climbed even further up the tree so I went inside to James ' office because you can see straight into the tree from there . I saw it sitting there with its back towards me so I took a few more , but I wanted another of its face . I rattled the windows and did other things to try to get its attention , but nothing was working . Finally I yelled out the window " Turn around you ugly possum ! " and guess what ? It did ! All of the following pictures were taken yesterday and were intended to be on yesterday 's post , but it got to be too late and I needed to go to bed . So I did . And so you 're getting them today . . . Every other week or so I make some sort of dessert for The Well band when they practice on Tuesday nights . Earlier in the semester I made my Chocolate Mint Cookies and they were a huge hit . Huge ! When I made them a second time , Henry even took some for himself and hid them from everyone else . Two weeks ago I figured I 'd let them request the last dessert of the semester and my " conversation " with Henry went something like this . . . Henry : MINT COOKIES ! We want the Mint Cookies ! So that settled it , I 'd be making Chocolate Mint Cookies Monday night . I figured I 'd get right to work on them and started making the dough as soon as I got home from work . I looked down at one point and realized that the combination of Chaco 's and a pink , plaid apron was slightly odd , but at the same time , completely me . Step 1 ) In a saucepan over medium heat melt butter , brown sugar , and water . Remove from heat and add chocolate chips until melted . Set aside to cool for 10 minutes . Step 2 ) Pour chocolate mixture into a large bowl and beat in eggs one at a time . Step 3 ) Combine flour , baking soda , and salt . Add to the chocolate mixture and mix well . Cover and refrigerate for 1 hour . Step 4 ) Preheat oven to 350 degrees . Spray cookie sheets with non - stick spray or use parchment paper , which I recommend . Roll dough into walnut sized balls and place 2 inches apart on cookie sheets . The dough can be really thick when it comes out of the fridge , almost like fudge . I usually use an ice - cream scoop to get it out , and then roll it into balls . Bake for 8 - 10 mintues . Step 5 ) When cookies come out of the oven , place half of an Andes mint on top of each cookie . Let them sit for about 1 minute and then use the back of a spoon or a knife to spread the melted mint on top of the cookie . Let the chocolate cool and set before serving . In 2008 I was a bridesmaid for the first time , in my friends ' Ryan and Mackenzie 's wedding . Mackenzie and I were roommates during my freshman and sophomore years at Milligan , and during that time I got to become pretty good friends with her boyfriend / fiance Ryan . The day before the wedding all of us girls went to one of those paint your pottery places and this is what I made ! I made a quick trip home for Easter this weekend . And when I say quick , I mean quick . About 30 hours . I hadn 't been home for Easter in three years , so I definitely wanted to since I could , and it would be the only chance I had to see my parents before I leave for East Asia in two weeks ( agh ! ) . Amanda wasn 't able to make it home , so today I stopped by Tech on my way back to Johnson City to drop off her Easter basket and some other stuff from home . As I took Exit 118B off of 81 and onto 460 a thought hit me . This would be the last time I visited the OMG . Two years ago Amanda , Brittany , Melanie , Emily , and Amanda Mae moved into a townhouse in a development named Oak Manor . They had known the girls who had lived in the townhouse before them , and they had named themselves the Oak Manor Girls and the townhouse got the name OMG for short . When Amanda and her crew moved in they became OMG Phase 2 , but we mostly still call it the OMG . Anyways , over the past two years I 've spent quite a bit of time at the OMG . For football games , quick visits on my way to or from Lynchburg , and more recently , things revolving around Amanda and Jonathan . What I have loved is that during all this time at the OMG I 've gotten to know all of Amanda 's roommates really well . And I know I 've talked about this before , so I 'll try not to get too repetitive . But I love that I don 't go to Blacksburg just to see and spend time with Amanda , but with her whole house . You know how it is when you hang out with a friend who brings one of their friends that you don 't know and it usually ends up being kind of awkward ? It isn 't like that when I visit Amanda . It doesn 't matter if she 's around or not , I can still be with her friends and we have a fabulous time . But since they are all graduating in three weeks and moving away , today was my last visit to the OMG . Thankfully , I knew this wasn 't going to be my last trip to Blacksburg . Sherri lives there and I 'm sure I 'll be visiting her . So this wouldn 't be my last time driving down 460 craning my neck to see Lane SWe can give thumbs - up with our toes . A weird sister thing I guess . So this morning I was just about to leave my room and head out the door when out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw something moving in front of my dresser . I told myself it had just been the way I had glanced over at the cords of my straightener and blow dryer , but then I saw something moving again , and there was no denying it , there was a long , gross , unwelcomed bug in my bedroom ! It was quickly crawling across my rug , so I had to act fast . I didn 't want to step on it and kill it , because that would have been a lot of bug guts in my carpet , so I was going to have to capture it . Luckily there was an empty cup on my dresser so I grabbed that and put it down on top of the bug , and then stepped on the cup , to push it down into the carpet and ensure it wouldn 't slide underneath . The bug quickly shimmied up the sides of the cup and was crawling around in the top of it . I figured I could lay some plastic wrap down on the ground and then quickly put the cup on the plastic wrap , and then seal it up with a rubber band . I didn 't want the bug to escape while I was downstairs , so I piled some heavy books on top of the cup . When I came back , the bug was back down at the rim of the cup , and I couldn 't get it to move . It took lots of shifting and sliding , but I finally got the cup with the bug onto the middle of the plastic . Then I wrapped it with the plastic and rubberbanded it . I was grossed out and also kind of proud of myself so I took him to the office to show Drew . And he didn 't help much because he was telling me there were a bunch more in my room hiding and it laid eggs in my hair and a bunch of other nasty , gross stuff , and I will say , I 'm still a little paranoid . I am a clean person , I should not have bugs like that in my bedroom ! When I got home from The Well tonight it was still alive , so I gave it a proper funeral . . . down the toilet ! Good riddance ! Today the weather was perfect . Perfect ! It was warm but not humid , breezy but not enough to make you cold , and sunny but not too bright . I knew I wanted to be outside as much as possible , but since my meetings were in The Cave , that would mean sitting in the hard , metal chairs on the patio , which doesn 't even get any sun . So I grabbed the blanket I keep in my desk drawer and headed toward The Cave . I felt a little silly walking through campus holding a blanket , but not enough to make me stop . When I met up with the girls I asked them if they 'd be up for sitting outside , and they all were , because they 're awesome . We gathered our stuff and the blanket and went to the amphitheater and found a nice patch of grass to settle down on . Besides the ants and bees , it was quite nice . Definitely something I want to do more of , especially since I can use all the sun I can get ! This mug was a gift from my dear , curly - headed friend Jessie . Jessie and I became friends four years ago while working the Bristol races believe it or not . I think my most memorable moments with Jessie were on Thursday nights during my senior year in college . Thursday nights were my on - duty nights for being an RA , so I couldn 't leave the building . Thursday nights were also when Grey 's Anatomy came on . So almost every Thursday without fail , Jessie showed up at my dorm room to watch Grey 's . Something I loved was that she often showed up wearing her pajama pants . It always cracked me up that she had no problem coming to a school she didn 't attend and just moseying through the parking lot and lobby and up the stairs to my room , sometimes saying hello to random strangers , while wearing striped pajama pants . Somewhere along our Thursday night journey we started eating those Betty Crocker Warm Delights Microwavable Cakes . Not every week mind you , but if one of us had had a bad week or if we know that 's nights episode was going to be really good . One night , about 8 minutes til Grey 's started I realized I was out of milk , and you just have to have milk when you eat that cake , so we went on a milk run . We went flying down the stairs , through the lobby and out into the parking lot , and I think one of us might have been yelling , " We need milk ! ! ! ! " So flew down the road to the closest gas station , ran inside like a couple crazy people , grabbed the milk , ran to the cashier , paid as quickly as we could , jumped in the car , raced back to Milligan , ran through the parking lot , took the steps two at a time , and piled through the door . I think we only missed the first two minutes of the show and we were quite pleased with ourselves , even though it probably took us the next 15 minutes to catch our breath after our crazy milk run . Even still we talk about " the night of the milk run . " But back to the mug , this was one of the gifts she gave me when I graduated and I love it ! Not only do I love it because it 's a photographer mug , but becI love the little camera inside , it 's like a surprise after you drink enough ! One of the many perks of working on a college campus is that it 's pretty easy for me to get free tickets to the concerts , and this year 's spring concert was Little Big Town and Eric Church . I do like country music , and even though these two aren 't my favorites , a free concert is a free concert , so I went . And it 's only appropriate to wear cowboy boots to a country concert . Little Big Town played first , but I didn 't really hear that much of it . Why ? Because they were being drowned out by the group of people sitting behind us . I know you have to talk loudly at concerts , but these people were ridiculous , it was almost hurting my ears they were talking so loudly . And besides that , they were cussing and talking about how much they couldn 't wait to go drink . Two from the group were actually sitting next to me , and when this guy stood up later to sing along wich Eric Church , he kept swaying back and forth , and each time his hip or his elbow would get a little bit closer to my face ( cause I was sitting down ) . I really thought I might get a black eye . And random moment of the night : I yawned at one point and my gum just kind of fell out of my mouth and landed on my lap . I just stared at it for a second trying to figure out what had happened , and then I casually picked it up and tried to play it off , hoping no one had seen . I was wrong though , Trevor who was sitting next to me speaks up and says " Umm , did your gum just fall out of your mouth ? " It was embarrassing and hilarious too . Today we had Service Saturday again , where we have different service projects around the community that the students can volunteer for . Today one of the projects was at The Well house , doing landscaping and cleaning . I spent the day inside with two other girls and we cleaned the entire office ( minus the basement ) from top to bottom and wall to wall , and it needed it badly . With so many people in and out all week , it gets dirty quickly and we don 't have time to clean it every week , so today was a huge blessing . After we finished cleaning inside I went outside where the guys had been working all day and did a little bit of work out there . By the time I left I was tired and dirty and thought that a bubble bath would be wonderful , and when I checked my mail I was super excited that my next copy of Real Simple had come . Perfect ! I could read it in the tub . I 've come to learn that reading in the tub is one of those things that sounds fabulous in theory , but is quite difficult in real life . You have to hold it up high enough that none of it will get in the water and turning the pages is an ordeal too . And even though every time I do it I 'm reminded that it 's difficult , I continue to do it . Today 's reading in the tub session was quite disastrous , but humorous too . I got a text , so I reached up to grab my phone that was sitting on the back of the toilet and managed to knock off this glass apothecary jar that has q - tips in it . As it crashed and clanked and sent q - tips flying , I forgot that I was holding a magazine and dropped the corner of it into the tub . Even after that episode , I kept reading and was able to finish the whole magazine ! Well , I didn 't read the whole magazine , but I looked at every page . After I cleaned my room up some I was ready to blog and wanted to have a movie on in the background , and You 've Got Mail seemed like the perfect one . I 'd already packed it up , but it was on the top of the box , so thankfully I didn 't have to unpack much . You 've Got Mail is my all time favorite movie . I could watch it every Kathleen : What will NY152 say today , I wonder . I turn on my computer . I wait impatiently as it connects . I go online , and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words : You 've got mail . I hear nothing . Not even a sound on the streets of New York , just the beating of my own heart . I have mail . From you . Frank : What about you ? Is there someone else ? Kathleen : No . No , but . . . but there 's the dream of someone else Joe : Kevin , this is possibly the most adorable creature I 've ever been in contact with , and if she turns out to be as good looking as a mailbox . . . I would be crazy enough to turn my life upside down and marry her . Kathleen : When you read a book as a child , it becomes a part of your identity in a way that no other reading in your whole life does . Kathleen : Why did you stop by again ? I forget . Joe : I wanted to be your friend . Kathleen : Oh . Joe : I knew it wasn 't . . . possible . What can I say , sometimes a guy just wants the impossible . Joe : [ about " NY152 " ] Maybe he 's fat . He 's fat . He 's a fatty . Kathleen : I don 't care about that . Joe : You don 't care that he 's so fat , he 's one of these guys that has to be removed from his house by a crane ? You don 't care ? Kathleen : [ snickering ] That is very unlikely . That is completely ridiculous . Kathleen : I hope your mango 's ripe . Joe : I think it is . Hey , you want to bump into me on , say , Saturday around lunchtime ? Over there ? Joe : You know , sometimes I wonder . . . Kathleen : What ? Joe : Well . . . if I hadn 't been Fox Books and you hadn 't been The Shop Around the Corner , and you and I had just , well . . . met . . . Kathleen : I know . Joe : Yeah . I would have asked for your number , and I wouldn 't have been able to wait twenty - four hours before calling you and saying , " Hey , how about . . . oh , how about some coffee or , you know , drinks or dinner or a movie . . . for as long as we both shall live ? " Kathleen : Joe . . . Joe : And you and I would have never been at war . And the only thing we 'd fight about would be which video to rent on a Saturday night . Kathleen : Well , who fights about that ? Joe : Well , some people . Not us . Kathleen : We would never . Joe : If only . Posted by Friday , April 15th - Last night we had a Concert of Worship on campus at ETSU . It was supposed to be outside in the amphitheater , but we had to move it inside because of bad weather . Regardless , it was so neat to be in the middle of a secular campus , boldly , fearlessly and carelessly praising the Lord . There were a lot of people there that I didn 't recognize , which is always encouraging . Not that I know everyone who attends The Well , but honestly , I do recognize a lot of them . I 'll see people around campus and even though I 've never talked with them or know their name , I know they go to The Well . Standing at the same door until 9 : 30 every week has it 's advantages . After the concert we had pizza and milled around . Since I was wearing my ministry team shirt , I also wore my red shoes , and then I noticed that Jordan and Chelsea had on red shoes too , so it would be the perfect foot picture ! I was getting ready to take it when Josh stepped in , even though his shoes didn 't match . Josh likes pictures of himself , so we couldn 't convince him to leave . . . After the concert Jillian and Ashley were going to tag along while I went back to the church to help Drew unload stuff , and then we were going to make a last night trip to Walmart . We left before Drew and on the way came up with a fun little plan . Jillian and Ashley got inside the trailer that we store our stuff in , and I closed it up just like Drew had left it . When ho got to the church he asked where the girls were and I told them someone had asked them to go get ice - cream , and I had told them just to go . I stood back as he unlatched the trailer door and pulled it down , and sitting right there , in two chairs they had pulled up , were Jillian and Ashley . It was quite funny . From there we went to Walmart where we bought a bunch of cleaning supplies and a box of cookies . Random , but all necessary . It 's hard to keep a good thing to yourself , and this good thing I 've shared with lots of students here , and now I 'm sharing it with all of you , whoever you may be . Last year when I was at Passion the Leaders community group was led by Ben Stuart . Ben is the director and speaker for Breakaway Ministries , a campus ministry at Texas A & M . It 's kind of like The Well , but quite a bit larger . I really liked Ben 's teaching and at some point last spring , I started subscribing to his podcasts . I started out just listening to the one new podcast each week , but over the summer I went through and listened to basically every message from the past two years . And I just couldn 't get enough of them . First of all , Ben is hilarious . It doesn 't really matter what he says , he 's just funny . Second , he uses great illustrations and analogies . I hate it when I hear a speaker tell a funny story , and I 'm waiting for how it ties everything together , and then it never really does . It 's like they wanted an excuse to talk about their kids or make themselves sound funny ; ugh , it bugs me so much ! But his stories make such good points . It just clicks and I 've often replayed a part several times in a row just to let it sink in . And third , and most important , everything is straight from Scripture . He doesn 't pick a topic and then add a few verses . He speaks straight from an entire passage and I have learned a lot about the Bible just from listening to him preach . I would highly recommend that you check out the podcast ! And I said all of that to say that this morning I went back and listened to this one message I love , for probably the fourth time ! It was such a challenging and encouraging way to start the day ! At work today I got to meet with three different girls , and it made for an amazing day . After meetings like the ones I had today , I can get really overwhelmed - with good things . I never ceased to be humbled by the fact that I get to do this kind of work at all , much less full time . I am just so lucky and so blessed ! Today I was also very aware and moved by what I see the Lord doing in the lives of students . I don 't think I really started taking my faith seriously and pursuing the Lord until my junior year of college . And it is amazing to walk alongside these freshmen and sophomores who are feasting on the Scriptures and fighting for their faith . I get so excited thinking about where they 're going to be and what they 're going to be doing in five or six years . The things that I 'm witnessing in the lives of these students are completely the Lord and his power in people 's lives . I feel like I used to hear the phrase " The Lord is drawing students to Himself , " but I never really knew what that meant or looked like . And now I do . I 'm seeing the Lord draw students to Himself and I 'm seeing them respond . I see this lived out in front of me everyday ! Switching gears a little bit . . . I realized recently that I like shadows , or I like looking at them , especially on walls . And I really like taking pictures of them . It 's almost like you get two pictures in one . I had this awesome view of the porch this evening where the sun was streaming in behind the Adirondack chairs on the porch and making these sharp shadows on the porch with really drastic dark and light shades . I loved looking at it and realized that a picture like that would be a royal pain to print in the darkroom ; burning and dodging such contrasting shades can be a time consuming nightmare ! I think what we can do now with digital photography and photoshop is amazing , but if you 've never rolled your own film in the pitch black , developed your own film , and printed in a darkroom , then you just can 't appreciate it . You can 't . And last year Jessica and I went shopping together to buy supplies to ship to Haiti , these shoes were on super discount for like $ 2 so we each bought a pair . We call them our Moses sandals . Well when I got home tonight her engagement pictures were up and guess what she was wearing in some of them ? Yep , her Moses sandals ! After my wonderfully overwhelming , full - of - shadows day at work I headed out to run a bunch of errands . I needed to go to the mall to pick up my shoes for Jessica 's wedding and the closest entrance to Payless is through Dick 's . I walked in and right in front of me were the women 's raincoats , so I headed over to take a look and there was a green one I liked . And it was on sale . Score ! Remember how I wanted a green raincoat so it would match my umbrella ? And this one matches perfectly . Yay ! After I got the raincoat I went on to Payless to get the shoes . This was actually the third time I 'd gone to get them . They never had the shoe I needed in a 6 1 / 2 , and always told me to come back the next week and they would . But of course tonight they still didn 't have it . That 's when the girl actually got on the computer and realized that none of the stores in this area even carry it in a 6 1 / 2 , I 'd have to order it . All that going back and forth for nothing . Well , not completely nothing , I did get the raincoat while going to get the shoes , but still , it 's frustrating . After I left the mall I was all over the place running errands and then ended up at Panera Bread . While I was out I noticed several people doing gross things . The girl in line behind me at Walmart knew the cashier and was talking with her the whole time I was there . Talking with her mouth open with large amounts of food inside . Ugh . Then after I left Walmart I was looking in my rear view mirror while at a stop light and saw the girl in the car behind me popping her pimples . Eww . Then at Panera Bread there was a girl in line who was probably 8 or 9 years old and she was picking her nose and eating it and then later I saw another guy in line picking a wedgie ! Come on people , that 's ridiculous ! I feel odd leaving off on that note , but that 's the end of my ramblings ! Congrats on finishing possibly my longest and definitely the most random of all my posts thus far ! Ok , to leave it on a slightly more upbeat note , new tires on the car ! The car is still scratched and dented and the hubcap is still busted , but the tire is new ! Now I don 't have to drive around like an old person anymore , scared it would blow out if I hit a speed bump or pothole to fast . I 'm getting to a point in the blog where I 'm afraid my shoes and locations of pictures are starting to get a little repetitive , so I 'm always thinking of ways to change things up ( feel free to give me suggestions ! ) . Even though I was at The Well again last night , I had the chance to take a slightly different picture because we were having a cookout before The Well and I could take the picture outside . But soon I was busy running back and forth from the tent to the kitchen making gallons of lemonade and Gatorade , and then before I knew it , it was 9 : 00 and we were back inside for The Well . After the service was over I was standing with Jillian and Chelsea when I remembered out loud " Aw man , I haven 't taken my picture for today , " and one of them said " Well take a picture of our feet . " So I did . These two goobers are enough trouble on their own , but when I join the picture , well , we have a lot of fun ; pranks , jokes , weird accents , funny faces etc . And Jillian and I have a way of saying the most random , out of the blue comments , at the exact same time . It 's scary . They 're a mess , and I love them : ) Yesterday was an absolutely beautiful day , and today was cold and wet and just gross ! One good thing about it though was that I finally got to wear my new yellow rain boots ! And while I was walking to the Culp Center I realized that now my rain boots match my cute umbrella too . It makes me very happy that my rain gear is cute and matches . I 'm looking into buying a legit rain coat . It seems crazy that I 've lived here this long and haven 't gotten one yet , but anyways , I 'm really hoping I can find a yellow , green , teal , or pink one , that way it will match both my umbrella and rain boots . And this afternoon I learned something interesting , and also disappointing . Regis and Kelly did some research and discovered that if you work somewhere that has a candy jar , and you eat two pieces of candy every day , by the end of the year you could have gained approximately 7 pounds ! That 's bad news , because I have definitely been known to eat more than two pieces a day ! I actually have two candy " jars " on my desk . An actual jar that usually has Laffy Taffy in it , and the gumball machine that usually has M & M 's in it , but there are jelly beans in it right now . They are both pretty noisy if you 're trying to get something out of them . The lid on the glass jar clanks when you take it on and off , and the gumball machine is just plain noisy . You can hear the money clanking as you twist the knob , and the candy as it falls to the bottom . Because of this , everyone upstairs can always tell how much candy I 'm munching on : / Maybe this new candy knowledge will help prevent some of that . We 'll see . . . Posted by This mug was a gift from my friend Sherri for my 21st birthday . It came in a package with other fun things like a mixed CD she put together and a VT shot glass , both of which I still have . She did a great job picking it out because it is very " me " with all the purple and polka dots . This mug has come to be my hot chocolate mug . Even though I do love coffee , and drink it almost every morning , I usually only drink one standard sized mug of coffee . When I drink hot chocolate however , I want a lot of it ! Since this mug is bigger than most , I 've always used this mug and this mug alone to drink hot chocolate . Which means this mug has spent a fair amount of wintery , weekend nights cuddled up with me in a blanket watching movies , or late , late nights giving me my sweet fix as I struggled to stay awake while writing a paper or something . It has slowly been warming up and feeling like spring , but now it 's finally starting to look like spring . Everything is greener and many of the trees and bushes have colorful little buds on them . The flowers are blooming and the sky is bright blue . It is spring and everything is new . The newness of spring has never struck me or impacted me before , but it sure has this year . March was a hard month for me , and it was my own fault . I got so wrapped up in the busyness of it that I let my personal time with the Lord slip away . I was continuing to " pour out " even though I had nothing to pour . I was soon running on empty and found myself burnt out and in a constant bad mood , at least internally . As soon as April 1st hit , it was as if I could just sign in relief . I knew the rest of the semester would be full , but the constant " go , go , go " of March was behind us . I could return to my schedules and routines , and my mornings with the Lord were so much easier to carry out . This new season was just the boost I needed to get back on track and finish out well . As I was thinking about " new " things today , different verses kept popping into my heard , and this one really stuck with me : Because of the LORD 's great love we are not consumed , for his compassions never fail . They are new every morning ; great is your faithfulness . Lamentations 3 : 22 - 23 Regardless of how the day or night before went , God 's mercy and love and compassion are new every morning . Not just left over from the day before , but new ! I am so thankful for this truth ! Last night I left Johnson City and headed to Blacksburg because we were having Amanda 's lingerie shower today . The drive was going great , the wasn 't much traffic on 81 and it was bright and sunny . A little after 7 : 00 I was getting a little sleepy , so I got off at the next exit to get a snack at a gas station . I pulled into this lone , little BP station , ran in and grabbed a water and pack of gummy bears . As I was walking to my car it started raining , and by the time I reached the car , it was pouring ! I decided to wait for a bit , and it just kept raining harder and harder . Then I started noticing things blowing across the parking lot , the porter potty , trashcans etc . and I started getting a little concerned . Then the wind got so strong that I felt my car shaking back and forth and I was worried . Then I looked up and saw a huge sheet of metal rip off the roof of the gas station and come crashing down behind my car , and I was scared ! Next the canopy of the gas station started crashing down and I was terrified and started praying and at some point I started saying out loud " Help me , help me , help me ! " or " Save me , save me , save me ! " Then I looked over and I saw a huge sheet of metal flying toward my car and I started screaming " God , GOD , GOD , GOD ! ! ! ! ! ! It hit my car and fell to the ground , and then the next thing I know the wind and the rain just stopped . Like that . Me and the two other people that were in our cars got out and I asked " Was that a tornado ? " and this old man said ( in a very slow , southern accent ) " I think it was . . . " And then to summarize the next four hours . . . I hung out with a lot of rednecks that were very friendly . The cops kept coming and telling us not to leave until the state troopers came and wrote up stuff for our insurance . The gas station had lost its power so the owner let us eat as much ice cream as we wanted . The news came and interviewed me and I was on TV . Did I mention the rednecks ? Lots of camo , Skoal rings , mullets etc . Finally , I got to leave and finally made it to Amanda 's around 11 : 4It knocked out the BP sign . |
Ah , it 's been too long since I 've posted ! I 've just had too many other things to do and sleep is becoming more and more valued . But I wanted to catch you up on my week because some crazy , interesting things have happened . And this post probably will have typos and not flow well , because I 'm tired . And me typing when I 'm tired always turns out interesting , but like I said , I needed to post something . On Wednesday Jillian hung out at the office for a while . We played with the caterpillars and then put them on our feet so I could take a picture for the blog . Random , I know , but that pretty much sums us up . Wednesday night was our last Well gathering of the semester . We were also under a tornado warning . So , it was the very last song and the band is playing and singing like crazy , the students are singing super loud , and the lights are awesome . I was taking a few pictures when I noticed a few flashes out of the corner of my eye . I thought that since it was the last service and everything was awesome that maybe a few people were taking pictures . So I put my camera down and look up and realized that the flashing was coming from the fire alarm / emergency lights ! I walked toward the back hallway and as soon as I opened the doors I heard the loud , slow wamp . . . wamp . . . wamp of the alarm . Drew saw me poking my head out of the door and motioned for me to get back inside , so I 'm thinking " The church just got hit by a tornado ! " I go back inside the auditorium and the band and the students are still playing and singing like crazy , the emergency lights are still flashing and now I can hear the echo of the alarm in my head . For a moment I thought " Oh my goodness , Jesus is coming back ! " But obviously He didn 't . I was disappointed . After we wrapped everything up James basically had to tell the students to grab a donut and go home . And when I walked back into the hallway I noticed the red flashing lights of the fire engine that had come and the firemen walking around . They had showed up to figure out why the alarm had gone off . It was nuts . When it was finally time for us to go , it was like deja vu . As I 'm walking to my car the rain picks up and by the time I get inside , it 's pouring again . I sat there for a little while and came really close to going back in and telling Drew or Samantha that I was going home with them , because I did not want to drive in that rain . But I did and made it home ok , even though it took a while because I was going like 20 miles per hour . And I ended up sleeping on the floor that night . They were calling for more storms in the night and my bed is right under my window , which shakes enough in light wind , I dOk , so crazy thing about Thursday , there was a possum at The Well House ! In the middle of the day . That 's odd . I saw it in the flower beds at first and thought it was a cat and then when I saw it 's long , nasty tail I knew it was a possum . It climbed the tree really quickly and then sat there for a while so I could get some pictures . Then it climbed even further up the tree so I went inside to James ' office because you can see straight into the tree from there . I saw it sitting there with its back towards me so I took a few more , but I wanted another of its face . I rattled the windows and did other things to try to get its attention , but nothing was working . Finally I yelled out the window " Turn around you ugly possum ! " and guess what ? It did ! All of the following pictures were taken yesterday and were intended to be on yesterday 's post , but it got to be too late and I needed to go to bed . So I did . And so you 're getting them today . . . Every other week or so I make some sort of dessert for The Well band when they practice on Tuesday nights . Earlier in the semester I made my Chocolate Mint Cookies and they were a huge hit . Huge ! When I made them a second time , Henry even took some for himself and hid them from everyone else . Two weeks ago I figured I 'd let them request the last dessert of the semester and my " conversation " with Henry went something like this . . . Henry : MINT COOKIES ! We want the Mint Cookies ! So that settled it , I 'd be making Chocolate Mint Cookies Monday night . I figured I 'd get right to work on them and started making the dough as soon as I got home from work . I looked down at one point and realized that the combination of Chaco 's and a pink , plaid apron was slightly odd , but at the same time , completely me . Step 1 ) In a saucepan over medium heat melt butter , brown sugar , and water . Remove from heat and add chocolate chips until melted . Set aside to cool for 10 minutes . Step 2 ) Pour chocolate mixture into a large bowl and beat in eggs one at a time . Step 3 ) Combine flour , baking soda , and salt . Add to the chocolate mixture and mix well . Cover and refrigerate for 1 hour . Step 4 ) Preheat oven to 350 degrees . Spray cookie sheets with non - stick spray or use parchment paper , which I recommend . Roll dough into walnut sized balls and place 2 inches apart on cookie sheets . The dough can be really thick when it comes out of the fridge , almost like fudge . I usually use an ice - cream scoop to get it out , and then roll it into balls . Bake for 8 - 10 mintues . Step 5 ) When cookies come out of the oven , place half of an Andes mint on top of each cookie . Let them sit for about 1 minute and then use the back of a spoon or a knife to spread the melted mint on top of the cookie . Let the chocolate cool and set before serving . In 2008 I was a bridesmaid for the first time , in my friends ' Ryan and Mackenzie 's wedding . Mackenzie and I were roommates during my freshman and sophomore years at Milligan , and during that time I got to become pretty good friends with her boyfriend / fiance Ryan . The day before the wedding all of us girls went to one of those paint your pottery places and this is what I made ! I made a quick trip home for Easter this weekend . And when I say quick , I mean quick . About 30 hours . I hadn 't been home for Easter in three years , so I definitely wanted to since I could , and it would be the only chance I had to see my parents before I leave for East Asia in two weeks ( agh ! ) . Amanda wasn 't able to make it home , so today I stopped by Tech on my way back to Johnson City to drop off her Easter basket and some other stuff from home . As I took Exit 118B off of 81 and onto 460 a thought hit me . This would be the last time I visited the OMG . Two years ago Amanda , Brittany , Melanie , Emily , and Amanda Mae moved into a townhouse in a development named Oak Manor . They had known the girls who had lived in the townhouse before them , and they had named themselves the Oak Manor Girls and the townhouse got the name OMG for short . When Amanda and her crew moved in they became OMG Phase 2 , but we mostly still call it the OMG . Anyways , over the past two years I 've spent quite a bit of time at the OMG . For football games , quick visits on my way to or from Lynchburg , and more recently , things revolving around Amanda and Jonathan . What I have loved is that during all this time at the OMG I 've gotten to know all of Amanda 's roommates really well . And I know I 've talked about this before , so I 'll try not to get too repetitive . But I love that I don 't go to Blacksburg just to see and spend time with Amanda , but with her whole house . You know how it is when you hang out with a friend who brings one of their friends that you don 't know and it usually ends up being kind of awkward ? It isn 't like that when I visit Amanda . It doesn 't matter if she 's around or not , I can still be with her friends and we have a fabulous time . But since they are all graduating in three weeks and moving away , today was my last visit to the OMG . Thankfully , I knew this wasn 't going to be my last trip to Blacksburg . Sherri lives there and I 'm sure I 'll be visiting her . So this wouldn 't be my last time driving down 460 craning my neck to see Lane SWe can give thumbs - up with our toes . A weird sister thing I guess . So this morning I was just about to leave my room and head out the door when out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw something moving in front of my dresser . I told myself it had just been the way I had glanced over at the cords of my straightener and blow dryer , but then I saw something moving again , and there was no denying it , there was a long , gross , unwelcomed bug in my bedroom ! It was quickly crawling across my rug , so I had to act fast . I didn 't want to step on it and kill it , because that would have been a lot of bug guts in my carpet , so I was going to have to capture it . Luckily there was an empty cup on my dresser so I grabbed that and put it down on top of the bug , and then stepped on the cup , to push it down into the carpet and ensure it wouldn 't slide underneath . The bug quickly shimmied up the sides of the cup and was crawling around in the top of it . I figured I could lay some plastic wrap down on the ground and then quickly put the cup on the plastic wrap , and then seal it up with a rubber band . I didn 't want the bug to escape while I was downstairs , so I piled some heavy books on top of the cup . When I came back , the bug was back down at the rim of the cup , and I couldn 't get it to move . It took lots of shifting and sliding , but I finally got the cup with the bug onto the middle of the plastic . Then I wrapped it with the plastic and rubberbanded it . I was grossed out and also kind of proud of myself so I took him to the office to show Drew . And he didn 't help much because he was telling me there were a bunch more in my room hiding and it laid eggs in my hair and a bunch of other nasty , gross stuff , and I will say , I 'm still a little paranoid . I am a clean person , I should not have bugs like that in my bedroom ! When I got home from The Well tonight it was still alive , so I gave it a proper funeral . . . down the toilet ! Good riddance ! Today the weather was perfect . Perfect ! It was warm but not humid , breezy but not enough to make you cold , and sunny but not too bright . I knew I wanted to be outside as much as possible , but since my meetings were in The Cave , that would mean sitting in the hard , metal chairs on the patio , which doesn 't even get any sun . So I grabbed the blanket I keep in my desk drawer and headed toward The Cave . I felt a little silly walking through campus holding a blanket , but not enough to make me stop . When I met up with the girls I asked them if they 'd be up for sitting outside , and they all were , because they 're awesome . We gathered our stuff and the blanket and went to the amphitheater and found a nice patch of grass to settle down on . Besides the ants and bees , it was quite nice . Definitely something I want to do more of , especially since I can use all the sun I can get ! This mug was a gift from my dear , curly - headed friend Jessie . Jessie and I became friends four years ago while working the Bristol races believe it or not . I think my most memorable moments with Jessie were on Thursday nights during my senior year in college . Thursday nights were my on - duty nights for being an RA , so I couldn 't leave the building . Thursday nights were also when Grey 's Anatomy came on . So almost every Thursday without fail , Jessie showed up at my dorm room to watch Grey 's . Something I loved was that she often showed up wearing her pajama pants . It always cracked me up that she had no problem coming to a school she didn 't attend and just moseying through the parking lot and lobby and up the stairs to my room , sometimes saying hello to random strangers , while wearing striped pajama pants . Somewhere along our Thursday night journey we started eating those Betty Crocker Warm Delights Microwavable Cakes . Not every week mind you , but if one of us had had a bad week or if we know that 's nights episode was going to be really good . One night , about 8 minutes til Grey 's started I realized I was out of milk , and you just have to have milk when you eat that cake , so we went on a milk run . We went flying down the stairs , through the lobby and out into the parking lot , and I think one of us might have been yelling , " We need milk ! ! ! ! " So flew down the road to the closest gas station , ran inside like a couple crazy people , grabbed the milk , ran to the cashier , paid as quickly as we could , jumped in the car , raced back to Milligan , ran through the parking lot , took the steps two at a time , and piled through the door . I think we only missed the first two minutes of the show and we were quite pleased with ourselves , even though it probably took us the next 15 minutes to catch our breath after our crazy milk run . Even still we talk about " the night of the milk run . " But back to the mug , this was one of the gifts she gave me when I graduated and I love it ! Not only do I love it because it 's a photographer mug , but becI love the little camera inside , it 's like a surprise after you drink enough ! One of the many perks of working on a college campus is that it 's pretty easy for me to get free tickets to the concerts , and this year 's spring concert was Little Big Town and Eric Church . I do like country music , and even though these two aren 't my favorites , a free concert is a free concert , so I went . And it 's only appropriate to wear cowboy boots to a country concert . Little Big Town played first , but I didn 't really hear that much of it . Why ? Because they were being drowned out by the group of people sitting behind us . I know you have to talk loudly at concerts , but these people were ridiculous , it was almost hurting my ears they were talking so loudly . And besides that , they were cussing and talking about how much they couldn 't wait to go drink . Two from the group were actually sitting next to me , and when this guy stood up later to sing along wich Eric Church , he kept swaying back and forth , and each time his hip or his elbow would get a little bit closer to my face ( cause I was sitting down ) . I really thought I might get a black eye . And random moment of the night : I yawned at one point and my gum just kind of fell out of my mouth and landed on my lap . I just stared at it for a second trying to figure out what had happened , and then I casually picked it up and tried to play it off , hoping no one had seen . I was wrong though , Trevor who was sitting next to me speaks up and says " Umm , did your gum just fall out of your mouth ? " It was embarrassing and hilarious too . Today we had Service Saturday again , where we have different service projects around the community that the students can volunteer for . Today one of the projects was at The Well house , doing landscaping and cleaning . I spent the day inside with two other girls and we cleaned the entire office ( minus the basement ) from top to bottom and wall to wall , and it needed it badly . With so many people in and out all week , it gets dirty quickly and we don 't have time to clean it every week , so today was a huge blessing . After we finished cleaning inside I went outside where the guys had been working all day and did a little bit of work out there . By the time I left I was tired and dirty and thought that a bubble bath would be wonderful , and when I checked my mail I was super excited that my next copy of Real Simple had come . Perfect ! I could read it in the tub . I 've come to learn that reading in the tub is one of those things that sounds fabulous in theory , but is quite difficult in real life . You have to hold it up high enough that none of it will get in the water and turning the pages is an ordeal too . And even though every time I do it I 'm reminded that it 's difficult , I continue to do it . Today 's reading in the tub session was quite disastrous , but humorous too . I got a text , so I reached up to grab my phone that was sitting on the back of the toilet and managed to knock off this glass apothecary jar that has q - tips in it . As it crashed and clanked and sent q - tips flying , I forgot that I was holding a magazine and dropped the corner of it into the tub . Even after that episode , I kept reading and was able to finish the whole magazine ! Well , I didn 't read the whole magazine , but I looked at every page . After I cleaned my room up some I was ready to blog and wanted to have a movie on in the background , and You 've Got Mail seemed like the perfect one . I 'd already packed it up , but it was on the top of the box , so thankfully I didn 't have to unpack much . You 've Got Mail is my all time favorite movie . I could watch it every Kathleen : What will NY152 say today , I wonder . I turn on my computer . I wait impatiently as it connects . I go online , and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words : You 've got mail . I hear nothing . Not even a sound on the streets of New York , just the beating of my own heart . I have mail . From you . Frank : What about you ? Is there someone else ? Kathleen : No . No , but . . . but there 's the dream of someone else Joe : Kevin , this is possibly the most adorable creature I 've ever been in contact with , and if she turns out to be as good looking as a mailbox . . . I would be crazy enough to turn my life upside down and marry her . Kathleen : When you read a book as a child , it becomes a part of your identity in a way that no other reading in your whole life does . Kathleen : Why did you stop by again ? I forget . Joe : I wanted to be your friend . Kathleen : Oh . Joe : I knew it wasn 't . . . possible . What can I say , sometimes a guy just wants the impossible . Joe : [ about " NY152 " ] Maybe he 's fat . He 's fat . He 's a fatty . Kathleen : I don 't care about that . Joe : You don 't care that he 's so fat , he 's one of these guys that has to be removed from his house by a crane ? You don 't care ? Kathleen : [ snickering ] That is very unlikely . That is completely ridiculous . Kathleen : I hope your mango 's ripe . Joe : I think it is . Hey , you want to bump into me on , say , Saturday around lunchtime ? Over there ? Joe : You know , sometimes I wonder . . . Kathleen : What ? Joe : Well . . . if I hadn 't been Fox Books and you hadn 't been The Shop Around the Corner , and you and I had just , well . . . met . . . Kathleen : I know . Joe : Yeah . I would have asked for your number , and I wouldn 't have been able to wait twenty - four hours before calling you and saying , " Hey , how about . . . oh , how about some coffee or , you know , drinks or dinner or a movie . . . for as long as we both shall live ? " Kathleen : Joe . . . Joe : And you and I would have never been at war . And the only thing we 'd fight about would be which video to rent on a Saturday night . Kathleen : Well , who fights about that ? Joe : Well , some people . Not us . Kathleen : We would never . Joe : If only . Posted by Friday , April 15th - Last night we had a Concert of Worship on campus at ETSU . It was supposed to be outside in the amphitheater , but we had to move it inside because of bad weather . Regardless , it was so neat to be in the middle of a secular campus , boldly , fearlessly and carelessly praising the Lord . There were a lot of people there that I didn 't recognize , which is always encouraging . Not that I know everyone who attends The Well , but honestly , I do recognize a lot of them . I 'll see people around campus and even though I 've never talked with them or know their name , I know they go to The Well . Standing at the same door until 9 : 30 every week has it 's advantages . After the concert we had pizza and milled around . Since I was wearing my ministry team shirt , I also wore my red shoes , and then I noticed that Jordan and Chelsea had on red shoes too , so it would be the perfect foot picture ! I was getting ready to take it when Josh stepped in , even though his shoes didn 't match . Josh likes pictures of himself , so we couldn 't convince him to leave . . . After the concert Jillian and Ashley were going to tag along while I went back to the church to help Drew unload stuff , and then we were going to make a last night trip to Walmart . We left before Drew and on the way came up with a fun little plan . Jillian and Ashley got inside the trailer that we store our stuff in , and I closed it up just like Drew had left it . When ho got to the church he asked where the girls were and I told them someone had asked them to go get ice - cream , and I had told them just to go . I stood back as he unlatched the trailer door and pulled it down , and sitting right there , in two chairs they had pulled up , were Jillian and Ashley . It was quite funny . From there we went to Walmart where we bought a bunch of cleaning supplies and a box of cookies . Random , but all necessary . It 's hard to keep a good thing to yourself , and this good thing I 've shared with lots of students here , and now I 'm sharing it with all of you , whoever you may be . Last year when I was at Passion the Leaders community group was led by Ben Stuart . Ben is the director and speaker for Breakaway Ministries , a campus ministry at Texas A & M . It 's kind of like The Well , but quite a bit larger . I really liked Ben 's teaching and at some point last spring , I started subscribing to his podcasts . I started out just listening to the one new podcast each week , but over the summer I went through and listened to basically every message from the past two years . And I just couldn 't get enough of them . First of all , Ben is hilarious . It doesn 't really matter what he says , he 's just funny . Second , he uses great illustrations and analogies . I hate it when I hear a speaker tell a funny story , and I 'm waiting for how it ties everything together , and then it never really does . It 's like they wanted an excuse to talk about their kids or make themselves sound funny ; ugh , it bugs me so much ! But his stories make such good points . It just clicks and I 've often replayed a part several times in a row just to let it sink in . And third , and most important , everything is straight from Scripture . He doesn 't pick a topic and then add a few verses . He speaks straight from an entire passage and I have learned a lot about the Bible just from listening to him preach . I would highly recommend that you check out the podcast ! And I said all of that to say that this morning I went back and listened to this one message I love , for probably the fourth time ! It was such a challenging and encouraging way to start the day ! At work today I got to meet with three different girls , and it made for an amazing day . After meetings like the ones I had today , I can get really overwhelmed - with good things . I never ceased to be humbled by the fact that I get to do this kind of work at all , much less full time . I am just so lucky and so blessed ! Today I was also very aware and moved by what I see the Lord doing in the lives of students . I don 't think I really started taking my faith seriously and pursuing the Lord until my junior year of college . And it is amazing to walk alongside these freshmen and sophomores who are feasting on the Scriptures and fighting for their faith . I get so excited thinking about where they 're going to be and what they 're going to be doing in five or six years . The things that I 'm witnessing in the lives of these students are completely the Lord and his power in people 's lives . I feel like I used to hear the phrase " The Lord is drawing students to Himself , " but I never really knew what that meant or looked like . And now I do . I 'm seeing the Lord draw students to Himself and I 'm seeing them respond . I see this lived out in front of me everyday ! Switching gears a little bit . . . I realized recently that I like shadows , or I like looking at them , especially on walls . And I really like taking pictures of them . It 's almost like you get two pictures in one . I had this awesome view of the porch this evening where the sun was streaming in behind the Adirondack chairs on the porch and making these sharp shadows on the porch with really drastic dark and light shades . I loved looking at it and realized that a picture like that would be a royal pain to print in the darkroom ; burning and dodging such contrasting shades can be a time consuming nightmare ! I think what we can do now with digital photography and photoshop is amazing , but if you 've never rolled your own film in the pitch black , developed your own film , and printed in a darkroom , then you just can 't appreciate it . You can 't . And last year Jessica and I went shopping together to buy supplies to ship to Haiti , these shoes were on super discount for like $ 2 so we each bought a pair . We call them our Moses sandals . Well when I got home tonight her engagement pictures were up and guess what she was wearing in some of them ? Yep , her Moses sandals ! After my wonderfully overwhelming , full - of - shadows day at work I headed out to run a bunch of errands . I needed to go to the mall to pick up my shoes for Jessica 's wedding and the closest entrance to Payless is through Dick 's . I walked in and right in front of me were the women 's raincoats , so I headed over to take a look and there was a green one I liked . And it was on sale . Score ! Remember how I wanted a green raincoat so it would match my umbrella ? And this one matches perfectly . Yay ! After I got the raincoat I went on to Payless to get the shoes . This was actually the third time I 'd gone to get them . They never had the shoe I needed in a 6 1 / 2 , and always told me to come back the next week and they would . But of course tonight they still didn 't have it . That 's when the girl actually got on the computer and realized that none of the stores in this area even carry it in a 6 1 / 2 , I 'd have to order it . All that going back and forth for nothing . Well , not completely nothing , I did get the raincoat while going to get the shoes , but still , it 's frustrating . After I left the mall I was all over the place running errands and then ended up at Panera Bread . While I was out I noticed several people doing gross things . The girl in line behind me at Walmart knew the cashier and was talking with her the whole time I was there . Talking with her mouth open with large amounts of food inside . Ugh . Then after I left Walmart I was looking in my rear view mirror while at a stop light and saw the girl in the car behind me popping her pimples . Eww . Then at Panera Bread there was a girl in line who was probably 8 or 9 years old and she was picking her nose and eating it and then later I saw another guy in line picking a wedgie ! Come on people , that 's ridiculous ! I feel odd leaving off on that note , but that 's the end of my ramblings ! Congrats on finishing possibly my longest and definitely the most random of all my posts thus far ! Ok , to leave it on a slightly more upbeat note , new tires on the car ! The car is still scratched and dented and the hubcap is still busted , but the tire is new ! Now I don 't have to drive around like an old person anymore , scared it would blow out if I hit a speed bump or pothole to fast . I 'm getting to a point in the blog where I 'm afraid my shoes and locations of pictures are starting to get a little repetitive , so I 'm always thinking of ways to change things up ( feel free to give me suggestions ! ) . Even though I was at The Well again last night , I had the chance to take a slightly different picture because we were having a cookout before The Well and I could take the picture outside . But soon I was busy running back and forth from the tent to the kitchen making gallons of lemonade and Gatorade , and then before I knew it , it was 9 : 00 and we were back inside for The Well . After the service was over I was standing with Jillian and Chelsea when I remembered out loud " Aw man , I haven 't taken my picture for today , " and one of them said " Well take a picture of our feet . " So I did . These two goobers are enough trouble on their own , but when I join the picture , well , we have a lot of fun ; pranks , jokes , weird accents , funny faces etc . And Jillian and I have a way of saying the most random , out of the blue comments , at the exact same time . It 's scary . They 're a mess , and I love them : ) Yesterday was an absolutely beautiful day , and today was cold and wet and just gross ! One good thing about it though was that I finally got to wear my new yellow rain boots ! And while I was walking to the Culp Center I realized that now my rain boots match my cute umbrella too . It makes me very happy that my rain gear is cute and matches . I 'm looking into buying a legit rain coat . It seems crazy that I 've lived here this long and haven 't gotten one yet , but anyways , I 'm really hoping I can find a yellow , green , teal , or pink one , that way it will match both my umbrella and rain boots . And this afternoon I learned something interesting , and also disappointing . Regis and Kelly did some research and discovered that if you work somewhere that has a candy jar , and you eat two pieces of candy every day , by the end of the year you could have gained approximately 7 pounds ! That 's bad news , because I have definitely been known to eat more than two pieces a day ! I actually have two candy " jars " on my desk . An actual jar that usually has Laffy Taffy in it , and the gumball machine that usually has M & M 's in it , but there are jelly beans in it right now . They are both pretty noisy if you 're trying to get something out of them . The lid on the glass jar clanks when you take it on and off , and the gumball machine is just plain noisy . You can hear the money clanking as you twist the knob , and the candy as it falls to the bottom . Because of this , everyone upstairs can always tell how much candy I 'm munching on : / Maybe this new candy knowledge will help prevent some of that . We 'll see . . . Posted by This mug was a gift from my friend Sherri for my 21st birthday . It came in a package with other fun things like a mixed CD she put together and a VT shot glass , both of which I still have . She did a great job picking it out because it is very " me " with all the purple and polka dots . This mug has come to be my hot chocolate mug . Even though I do love coffee , and drink it almost every morning , I usually only drink one standard sized mug of coffee . When I drink hot chocolate however , I want a lot of it ! Since this mug is bigger than most , I 've always used this mug and this mug alone to drink hot chocolate . Which means this mug has spent a fair amount of wintery , weekend nights cuddled up with me in a blanket watching movies , or late , late nights giving me my sweet fix as I struggled to stay awake while writing a paper or something . It has slowly been warming up and feeling like spring , but now it 's finally starting to look like spring . Everything is greener and many of the trees and bushes have colorful little buds on them . The flowers are blooming and the sky is bright blue . It is spring and everything is new . The newness of spring has never struck me or impacted me before , but it sure has this year . March was a hard month for me , and it was my own fault . I got so wrapped up in the busyness of it that I let my personal time with the Lord slip away . I was continuing to " pour out " even though I had nothing to pour . I was soon running on empty and found myself burnt out and in a constant bad mood , at least internally . As soon as April 1st hit , it was as if I could just sign in relief . I knew the rest of the semester would be full , but the constant " go , go , go " of March was behind us . I could return to my schedules and routines , and my mornings with the Lord were so much easier to carry out . This new season was just the boost I needed to get back on track and finish out well . As I was thinking about " new " things today , different verses kept popping into my heard , and this one really stuck with me : Because of the LORD 's great love we are not consumed , for his compassions never fail . They are new every morning ; great is your faithfulness . Lamentations 3 : 22 - 23 Regardless of how the day or night before went , God 's mercy and love and compassion are new every morning . Not just left over from the day before , but new ! I am so thankful for this truth ! Last night I left Johnson City and headed to Blacksburg because we were having Amanda 's lingerie shower today . The drive was going great , the wasn 't much traffic on 81 and it was bright and sunny . A little after 7 : 00 I was getting a little sleepy , so I got off at the next exit to get a snack at a gas station . I pulled into this lone , little BP station , ran in and grabbed a water and pack of gummy bears . As I was walking to my car it started raining , and by the time I reached the car , it was pouring ! I decided to wait for a bit , and it just kept raining harder and harder . Then I started noticing things blowing across the parking lot , the porter potty , trashcans etc . and I started getting a little concerned . Then the wind got so strong that I felt my car shaking back and forth and I was worried . Then I looked up and saw a huge sheet of metal rip off the roof of the gas station and come crashing down behind my car , and I was scared ! Next the canopy of the gas station started crashing down and I was terrified and started praying and at some point I started saying out loud " Help me , help me , help me ! " or " Save me , save me , save me ! " Then I looked over and I saw a huge sheet of metal flying toward my car and I started screaming " God , GOD , GOD , GOD ! ! ! ! ! ! It hit my car and fell to the ground , and then the next thing I know the wind and the rain just stopped . Like that . Me and the two other people that were in our cars got out and I asked " Was that a tornado ? " and this old man said ( in a very slow , southern accent ) " I think it was . . . " And then to summarize the next four hours . . . I hung out with a lot of rednecks that were very friendly . The cops kept coming and telling us not to leave until the state troopers came and wrote up stuff for our insurance . The gas station had lost its power so the owner let us eat as much ice cream as we wanted . The news came and interviewed me and I was on TV . Did I mention the rednecks ? Lots of camo , Skoal rings , mullets etc . Finally , I got to leave and finally made it to Amanda 's around 11 : 4It knocked out the BP sign . |
This isn 't a normal blog entry , but I had to put this out there : my novel , PUP , is the NOOK Daily Find at www . barnesandnoble . com today ! You can get an e - book version of the novel for just $ 1 . 99 today . If you need something to make you laugh , cry , or shake your head in amazement , it is a great purchase . Pass it on ! Tagged : amateur author , amateur writer , book , book deal , deal , novel , writer , writing Just wanted to say that the first round of testing is going on at my school , so I don 't have a lot of time for writing or blogging this week . That 's always a bit frustrating . However , I will leave you with this reminder for the week : persistence ! In all things that you do , keep at it . You may never quite reach the goal that you set out for yourself , but if you give up quickly , then you will miss the journey . The end is not what is important . The journey is what makes us who we are . For any of you parents out there , I know that you can relate to this . Should you take time away from being ( child 's name ) 's Parent and be You for a while ? When ? What can you do ? Is it fair to your family ? Well , I 'd say this blogger describes the situation better than I , and I know that we can all relate to it ! I have had some people tell me before that they like spring cleaning . I never allow myself to turn my back on those individuals . They scare me . However , there is some spring cleaning that you , as a writer , might want to consider that could actually benefit you in ways that you never considered . Check it out ! [ youtube https : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = KQeMuv2aM _ Q ] I 'm very conscientious about not criticizing things in my profession . However , my wife asked me about something today that suddenly made me realize that I needed to say something . I realized that I needed to speak as a citizen , parent , and educator about something that everyone knows , but that so many with the ability to change things have ignored . Testing is killing teaching . Testing is killing creativity . Testing is killing a love of learning . Yet , sadly , testing isn 't going anywhere . My wife asked me if I knew about some sort of international recognition day that had to do with creativity . To be honest , it wasn 't something that would have been likely to come up in my middle school class . It sounded like something that would have been used in younger grades . However , after she asked me , I realized how little creativity I have been making use of in my class over the past several years . It isn 't that my class is intentionally unimaginative . What has become the problem is that the results of the high - stakes testing towards the end of the year has come to be so important that creating lessons that don 't conform to what is likely to be on the tests hurts my students , my school , and myself . When your student 's ability to take part in certain classes , or your school 's reputation , or your own income or job security are based largely on the results of a single test , you don 't dare to try and do anything outside of the realm of specifications for that test . This results in almost robotic adherence to exactly what you see on practice test questions or the precise words of the standards . The wiggle room is gone . There are lots of political footballs and buzzwords that have dealt with this topic . Sometimes the number of tests are attacked . Other times , people try to blame new sets of standards like Common Core . Still others say that teachers are spoiled or lazy and just don 't want to be held accountable in their job . The truth is that none of these are the true problem . Cutting down on how many tests or practice tests is certainly useful , but it doesn 't get rid of the end - all be - all importance placed on the test results . Common Core isn 't to blame . Teachers have always had to teach from a set of standards , and those standards have never been able to please everyone . After fifteen years in the profession , I can say that any true teacher that I have worked with has never complained about true , reliable accountability for their work . That brings us back to the weight placed on testing and the changes that it has brought to the classroom . At this point , some of you may be asking what you can do about it . Well , there have been a few things that I have seen that are counterproductive . If you are a parent , trying to " opt out " of testing won 't change things . In many places it isn 't an option and it doesn 't send the right message to the people that can actually change things . If you are a teacher , trying to publicly point out the problems with testing won 't work either . It just looks like employees complaining about their job . The difference can be made by showing that we care long before the tests are put on the desks of the student . We must get involved early . It starts with elections . Teachers and administrators do not make the tests or give them the weight that they do . Elected and appointed officials are the ones that make the difference . Some of this is done at the national level , but most of the decisions come from the local and state level . Study , get involved , and vote intelligently . After election day , stay involved . Standards , bills involving education , and even the textbooks used in the schools are all open to public discussion . Get involved in those discussions . Something that has happened with educators , parents , and even officials is that they don 't point out the problems with a situation until after it has already been discussed , voted on , and approved . The old horse is already out of the barn when we try to close the gate . I want to start being creative in my assignments again . I want my students to start being able to use their inherent creativity to enjoy learning more . I want the students to stop feeling the crushing stress that becomes a normal part of their day in the spring . I know that I 'm not alone in this . We must act intelligently to bring a love of learning back into the schools and into our students ' lives . A while back , I found some soaking wet socks in my son 's bathroom . A few days later , I found six soaking wet socks hidden in his bedroom . I asked him what was going on . " I had a dream once about a monster attacking people . I 've been showering in my socks so that I can throw them at him to chase him off . " Of course , my response to this was , " Son , you are ruining your socks because of an imaginary situation that is never going to happen . " At least , that was what I said out loud . In my mind , I was thinking How can I possibly incorporate this into my next book ? On any given day , my cat goes also - freaking - lutely insane . For no apparent reason , she will run sprints all throughout the house . She seems to be attacking bugs that no one else can see . She howls late at night at nothing . She figures out precisely where you intend to sit and decides that is the very place that she intends to nap . I suppose that it shouldn 't surprise me that my son loves the cat almost to the point of obsession . The thing about both of these individuals , my son and the cat , is that they live a lot of their lives in their own imaginations . It 's something that can make each day very difficult for those around them as people that don 't live in their worlds try to figure out what is going on . However , for my son and the cat , it is a perfectly equitable arrangement , and why shouldn 't it be ? They might live in their own worlds , but everyone there knows them . The imagination is where they find peace , joy , excitement , and whatever else they are seeking at the moment . Who should deny that ? The truth is that I tend to benefit from it as well . Of course I work to make certain that my son can interact and function in the world . That is my job as his father . However , he as well as the cat , remind me how to make use of my own imagination . They help remind me how to find some of the more simple joys in life that cannot be discovered on a television screen or computer monitor . As a teacher , he reminds me of the youth that I interact with daily , even if that youth left me ( chronologically ) a while ago . As a writer , he brings me to a place in my imagination that helps me to create the universes needed for a good story to be told . If you are a writer , or someone that just needs a smile , consider things from the point of view of a child , or even look at the world as a cat . If neither are an option , then think of the last time that you wanted to say , " What the crap was that ? " You would be amazed at the direction that this can lead you in . I remember trying to start my first novel when I was younger . It was unbelievably overwhelming . Coming up with a story idea was easy . Trying to come up with all of the characters , setting up the universe in which the story takes place , giving background , and all of the other details just seemed like more than I could handle at the time . If this seems to be your situation , I have an idea for something that can get you started on your road to developing your skills as a writer . That 's this week 's vlog topic . Today is Valentines Day . A day when many are enjoying expressions of the love of their significant other , or they are expressing their feeling for someone that they have long desired . Of course , there are also those that dread this day and see it as nothing more than a reminder that they are single . Most amusing among these people are the husbands that have failed to buy a Valentines Day gift for their wife . I remember watching a sitcom back in the 90 's where men were fighting tooth and nail to get their hands on the last card and box of chocolates in the store . It was pretty funny . Well , I have a confession to make . I haven 't bought a Valentines Gift for my wife in several year . I 'm still alive and still married . Imagine that ! Now don 't misunderstand me . I have always been big on Valentines Day . I used to get roses or other flowers for all of my female friends in high school because I didn 't think that any lady should be without a flower on Valentines Day . Yes , I gave my girlfriend more than I gave my friends . I tried to be creative every Valentines . This continued into my marriage . I was always trying to come up with something unforgettable each year . It started to become a rather expensive and stressful endeavor , especially since my wife felt the need to try and match my creativity . Then one year , and I don 't quite remember when that was , we both started asking ourselves , " Why ? " It would be easy to start thinking that the romance has gone out of my marriage . After all , I have been married now for over fifteen years , we are parents , both of us work full time , and Netflix and chill for us actually means that we watch Netflix and relax . Add in the fact that we don 't get each other Valentine 's Day gifts and it 's easy to think that we are just going through the motions . However , you have to take a look at the other 364 days in the year to see that this isn 't true . I never miss the chance to tell her that I love her . We snuggle together on the couch every night . We are constantly holding hands . One of the reasons that we have stopped getting each other gifts ( we often do not give Christmas gifts to each other either ) is so that we can save money to go on trips as a family and have fun together in new ways . I can honestly say that I haven 't missed the Valentine 's gifts . I recognize the love that is there for me every day . Now , if you happen to be someone that enjoys Valentine 's Day , be my guest . I 'm not trying to rain on your parade . Have a great time . However , if you chose not to give a gift this year , make certain that you have expressed your love every other day this year . What better Valentine 's gift could anyone ever hope to get ? A character from one of my favorite shows once said , " We 've done the impossible , and that makes us mighty ! " Some of the most enjoyable stories and movies that we ever experience deal with a character that is overcoming major challenges . There is something uplifting about cheering on the underdog . Maybe it gives us a feeling of accomplishment to see that someone else can achieve what seems impossible . Of course , cheering on the underdog and being the underdog are two very different things . Do you get that feeling of accomplishment when you are the one having to face the challenges , or do you get a feeling of dread at what might happen if you can 't overcome the odds ? Most of my writing centers around fish - out - of - water , underutilized and disrespected characters . The usually don 't recognize their own potential until they reach some new height , be it on purpose or on accident . Either way , the achieve what would have seemed impossible just a chapter before . I actually smile as I write , revise , or re - read some of those characters accomplishments . It can provide a sense of divine justice . The person most deserving receives the rewards . How can you not love that ? Of course , reality is a lot different from fiction . Many of us face challenges every day . Maybe it is a child whose behavior is slow to change . Maybe it is a job that is trying your patience . Maybe it is the difficulty of getting your finances in order . Maybe it is something as simple as the weather not cooperating with what you have planned . These are usually the challenges that don 't make it into books , movies , or television shows . For all of the obsession that people have with reality television , it rarely deals with true reality . When was the last time that there was a show that followed one of its characters for two hours while they tried to figure out why their checkbook won 't balance ? How about an episode that centers on trying to figure out how you are going to get supper cooked , your child tucked in , your take - home work finished , and still have time to watch the show that you have been waiting all week for ? Even Seinfeld , the show that famously claimed to be about nothing , never focused on the every day challenges that most people face . Why not ? My theory as to why we don 't see shows , movies , or books that deal with these everyday challenges is because we all already have to . These challenges can stretch us to our limits . We don 't want to see them again because we will either be reminded of how difficult it had been to take care of , or we will see a different approach that we had not considered and be angry because it is too late to change it . This is one of the reasons that I don 't watch reality television . I watch television to get away from reality . I 'm sure that most people would agree that they read or watch television and movies to try and forget about the challenges that they feel may have cursed their days . Of course , in the end , are these daily challenges really curses or blessings in disguise ? Well , I would venture to say that they are both . The challenges stretch us to our limits physically , mentally , and emotionally . It 's easy to see that as a curse . However , they also keep us moving forward in our lives , accomplishing the tasks necessary to be the people that we need to be for those that depend on us . That makes them a blessing in disguise . Of course , that disguise is so well done , that we hardly ever see it . That is why we seek out the underdog stories . They motivate us to keep pushing forward in the hopes that we , too , will do the impossible . So , you keep pushing your way through that daily grind ( as will I ) , and I 'll try to help provide that underdog motivation to keep us going . I figure that combining those two things will go a long way towards making us mighty ! I had the pleasure of getting to be there when my best friends became parents recently . I have watched over the last few days as the things that they think are important have changed . It is a great lesson in life as well as a great lesson for writing . Watch my vlog to see why . [ youtube https : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = D8xoJv5wVBY ] I hope that everyone is doing well despite the weather . Also , if anyone is interested in follow - up stories to the one I posted last week , I can post them a little bit later . The other day I was reading a story about how often pictures get photoshopped . It occurred to me that we often do the same thing with our writing . I promise , it will make sense when you watch the vlog . [ youtube https : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = FNQWnF6MJzg ] I 'm back with a vlog today . Today I was thinking about the most basic concept that is present in every day of our lives - the passage of time . The question is , do we remember that constant companion of time in our writing ? I thought that I might do a little something different today . I found an old story that I wrote , and I figured that I would put it up here for your entertainment and opinion . Of course , this story was written over a decade ago , so my style has ( I feel ) improved greatly since , but if you have a few minutes and want to feel better about yourself ( because you aren 't the main character ) , then here is an old story of mine that was the beginning of a series I wrote for my friends centered around the character Norman Blackberry : Norman Blackberry was always excited about new opportunities . He was especially excited about new opportunities in places where people didn 't know him . Norman was always trying to escape his reputation . He wasn 't mean . In fact , he was one of the most polite people you could meet . He wasn 't stupid . He was salutatorian at his graduation . If there was one word for Norman 's reputation , it would be unlucky . Norman never tried to find problems . They always seemed to find him . He stopped going to watch his high school 's football team after lightning struck the bleachers he was sitting on . He was not hurt , but the city banned him from the stadium as a health hazard . He was the first patient in recorded history to get food poisoning from a cracker . He also set the record for most number of broken bones suffered in one year of gym class . Events like this had been occurring all of his life . Because of this , no one wanted to be around Norman . Looking around at the small community college campus , Norman was hoping that would soon change . There were lots of people here that didn 't know about his perpetual bad luck , so there was a chance that he might be able to turn his reputation around . As he walked towards one of the buildings , he dreamed of what life might be like if it were just a little different . He pictured a large group of friends hanging on his every word as he told stories about his many adventures . He imagined a lovely girlfriend who thought the world of him . He imagined his confident walk as he went into classes where everyone hoped he would be there . He imagined that the door was open when it really wasn 't . Norman smacked into the closed door , bounced off of it , and rolled back down the steps . As luck would have it , most of the students were standing outside of the building , socializing before their first class . The roar of laughter was deafening . Norman tried to laugh it off , but he knew no one was fooled . He gathered up his books , gave a shy wave to the applauding crowd , and walk back up the stairs . He stood at the door for a moment , trying to figure out how to open it when his hands were full of books . The people coming out of the building were not so patient . One flung the door open , hitting Norman , causing him to roll down the steps again , this time with a bloody nose . Norman missed his first college class because of his trip to the clinic . Much to his surprise , his nose wasn 't broken . The nurse 's hand was broken , though . It happened when Norman set his books down . He hadn 't even known she was sitting there . He was already banned from the clinic . His next class wasn 't until after lunch , so he decided to take a trip to the cafeteria and try to get through it without injury . Norman was almost successful in his attempt to eat lunch without incident . He went to the Subway in the food court and bought a meatball sub . It had always been one of his favorites . He very carefully carried his meal to the table , managing not to trip or spill any of his drink . He sat down , rather proud of himself . He ate his meal with a ravenous hunger . It had been a long morning and he was very hungry . When he had finished the foot long sub he was surprised to realize that he was still hungry . He had never eaten two subs at one meal , but he decided that he might as well eat rather than have a rumbling stomach in class . He stood up to go purchase another sandwich and heard an odd thumping noise . He chose to ignore it and headed towards the counter . The first sign that something was wrong came when people started giving him strange looks . Norman knew from long experience what would come next . Sure enough , there started to be a few giggles , then outright laughter . Norman looked down to see that his shirt and pants were covered in red marinara sauce . He looked back over at the table and saw several meatballs on the floor . The reason that the sandwich had not filled him up was because half of the meatballs had fallen out of the sandwich and into his lap . Embarrassed , but refusing to show it , Norman continued to walk towards the counter . People were looking at him and laughing as he walked by . Norman just kept walking until something unusual caught his eye . There was one young lady sitting at a table nearby . She was tall and slender , with long , dark hair . She had striking brown eyes that seemed to sparkle when she looked at him . She was one of the prettiest ladies Norman had ever seen . On top of it all , she wasn 't laughing at him . She was looking right at him and smiling . Something in her face didn 't make him think she was amused . It seemed more like she was smiling to encourage him . Norman could do nothing but stare . Something about the young lady had truly captured him . It would have been better if he had stopped walking while he stared at her . Instead , he ended up walking into the counter at the Subway . This brought a new round of laughter and a groan of pain from Norman . He looked back at the lady that had entranced him , but she and her friends were on their way out the door . Norman went back to his car before his next class . He grabbed a jacket and buttoned it up to hide some of the stain . It worked for the most part , but the temperature was in the upper nineties and the jacket was a warm one . Norman had probably sweat off five pounds by the time he entered a classroom . His face was read and his shirt was soaked . Now he couldn 't take off the jacket because of his sweat - stained shirt . It was like a never ending cycle for him . Norman found a desk , sat down , and looked around . He continued to look around several more times . Something there didn 't seem quite right . Suddenly , it hit him . " I 'm surrounded by nerds ! " he exclaimed , not quite realizing he had said it out loud . Everyone with taped glasses and a pocket protector turned towards him with a scowl . He shrank down in his seat until he hoped he was invisible . Eventually the other students turned back around and continued their debate on who the best captain was on Star Trek . The professor finally arrived . He looked like he fit right in with his students . Tall , thin , and with glasses so thick that NASA had offered to buy them from him , he stepped up to the front of the room and growled " Q ' aplah ! " Everyone in the room answered in kind , except Norman . He just sat there , wondering what in the world was going on . For once , he didn 't feel like the biggest geek in the room . It had taken twenty minutes for Norman to realize that he was not in his psychology class . In fact , he was sitting in on one of the stranger courses offered at the school : Speaking Klingon for Beginners . He had to have one of the other students explain to him that it was a made up language for the Star Trek shows and movies . He had gotten up to leave and was ridiculed with names like qu ' ahom and patakh . He couldn 't decide whether to be insulted or not . After checking his schedule , Norman realized that he had gone into the correct room number , but in the incorrect building . He finally found the correct building and classroom . He was already half an hour late , so when he opened the door , all eyes turned towards him , including a pair of sparkling brown eyes . Norman stopped in his tracks . The young lady from the food court was sitting in class with the same smile , looking at him . He could swear that her smile was speaking to him . You 'll be fine , it said . Just give it time . As he stood in the doorway , staring , he heard a new round of laughter . It took him a moment to tear his attention away from those eyes . Then he became a little more aware of the world around him . He had the distinct feeling that someone was behind him . He could hear them breathing . He could feel them staring at the back of his head . Worst of all , he could smell them . It wasn 't a horrible smell . In fact , it was very familiar . The scent of ivory soap mixed with corn oil from cooking . Never in his life had he wanted that smell to be anywhere other than here . He slowly turned around . It was like waking up to a nightmare come true . Behind him stood none other than his mother . Normally when he had this nightmare , Norman was standing in front of the class in his underwear . He couldn 't help but check to make sure he still had all of his clothes on . Thankfully , he did . But then the nightmare returned when his mother reached up and hugged him , loudly proclaiming " Oh , my little boy is in college ! I can 't believe it ! You are just growing up so fast ! " Norman managed to squirm out of his mother 's grasp . No one in the class was making a sound . It was as if they were all too shocked to believe that this level of embarrassment could really happen to an eighteen year old . " Honey , I just stopped by to remind you that you promised to run by the grocery store and pick up some milk . All right , I will admit it . It was just an excuse so that I could come by and see my sweet boy on his first day of college . " Then , in the final act of social death , she reached up and pinched his cheeks . " Now you just go on in there with all your little friends and have a good time . " Norman 's mother walked away , still emitting that high pitched squeal of delight that mother 's are known for . Norman made his way to an unoccupied seat , not daring to look towards the girl with the brown eyes . He was certain that even she would not be able to encourage him after something like that . The class was still in shocked silence as he got out a paper and pen to take notes . Even the professor seemed surprised . Finally , after a full minute of the loudest silence Norman had ever heard , the professor continued his lecture . " So , as I was saying , class … the classic case of an overprotective parent is usually characterized by behavior like … well … like that ! " Even Norman had to admit that he was glad when the first day of college was over . It had been rough even by his standards . He didn 't look forward to going home and seeing his mom . He could never quite bring himself to tell her how much she had embarrassed him . He knew that it would devastate her . Still , if she showed up again , he thought he might exit through the nearest window , no matter what floor he was on . If there was a silver lining to the very dark cloud that was his college reputation , it was the lady with the brown eyes . Norman could not stop thinking about her . It wasn 't just because she was beautiful . Norman wasn 't that shallow . It was because of the look that she had given him several times that day . She wasn 't looking down at him . She wasn 't laughing at him . She wasn 't trying to pretend he didn 't exist . She wasn 't even trying pretend that she didn 't see him fall over in his chair ( that happened shortly before the psychology class was dismissed . ) She knew that he had messed up , but she smiled anyways . Whenever he saw that , Norman was almost able to forget how clumsy and unlucky he was . Almost . Before he made it home , Norman made a decision . He was going to try and meet that young lady . In fact , he almost felt confident enough to ask her out . That was a major leap for Norman . He had not been out on any dates . Most people were scared to be in the same zip code as him , much less have any sort of social contact with him . It was amazing how long rumors of him spreading chicken pox to his entire fourth grade class had stuck with him . Most girls were afraid to get into the same vehicle as Norman for fear that something might explode or some illness will be spread , and they will be part of it because they were near Norman Blackberry . Despite these problems , Norman thought that it might be worth trying to ask this young lady out . She looked like she might understand . She might be forgiving . She might give him the time of day . Norman said all of these thoughts out loud . He was in the habit of talking to himself , especially when driving around . He came to a stop sign and hit the breaks . They squealed a little , but Norman didn 't notice . He was still carrying on his one man conversation . People crossing the street in front of his car kept looking at him , wondering if he had a small headset or if he really was just talking to himself . Norman paid them no mind . If he had , he would have seen the brown - eyed lady walk in front of his car and smile warmly at him . He also would have known that she wasn 't all the way across when he hit the gas and started driving again . He ran over her foot , breaking three toes . He never knew it and didn 't even stop . College can pass by pretty quickly . Before he even knew it , a month had passed by and Norman had still not spoken to the brown - eyed lady . He had discovered her name . Vanessa . Vanessa Humphries . He only had one class with her , so he only saw her on Mondays , Wednesdays , and Fridays . In fact , the next time that he saw her , she was on crutches . He didn 't know why but he hoped she was all right . When he saw her talking with a group of friends outside of the Humanities Building , he tried to walk up and talk to her . When he approached , one of Vanessa 's friends saw him coming and shrieked . The others picked up Vanessa 's books and hustled her away . He wasn 't certain , but he thought he heard Vanessa yelling something about it not being his fault . This scenario continued until almost October . Still , things were looking up for Norman . He had convinced his mother to never visit the school again . He had learned to pack extra napkins to prevent ruining his clothes . He had even learned a little Klingon to be able to converse with the nerds . His psychology class was going especially well . No matter what disorder they were learning about , Norman seemed to be aware of a good example . It was often things that he saw in people around him . Many of the students whispered that it proved how he could drive people nuts . The professor had taken a liking to him until he asked Norman to come to the front of the class one day to demonstrate multiple personality disorder . Norman was only too happy to oblige . Norman leaned casually on the chalkboard , not realizing it was reversible . The chalkboard spun around suddenly , knocking Norman off balance and smashing into the professor 's head . The professor still showed a wonderful demonstration of multiple personality disorder : first was Confused Man , followed by Speechless Man , followed by Angry Man . He was about to introduce Norman to Violent Man when the bell rang . Norman beat a hasty retreat out of the classroom . He was down six flights of stairs before he knew it , and , realizing he was out of breath , he sat down in the lobby to rest . When he heard the elevator ding , he looked up without thinking . Still hobbling , but at least without crutches , Vanessa stepped out and headed for the door . She didn 't see Norman in the lobby . Norman watched as she left , still unable to understand why he couldn 't get her out of his mind . Did she really understand him ? How could she ? They 'd never met . Surely she couldn 't understand what it was like to be the first person sent to the hospital after being attacked by a large - mouth bass . Who could , except Norman ? Norman slowly got up and walked towards the outside door . He stepped out and looked around . The leaves were turning . The colors were beautiful . Someone was sitting on the campus lawn playing a guitar softly . There were workers going around the campus gathering leaves to put into large , wheeled trash cans . They all seemed to be so happy . And then there was Vanessa . She had hobbled a pretty good distance , but Norman could still see her . Then , to his surprise , Vanessa turned around . She looked right at him and smiled . It was that same encouraging smile that he had seen before that seemed to make her eyes shine . At first , Norman couldn 't believe that she was looking at him . He turned around to see if anyone was behind him that she was trying to smile at , but there wasn 't . When he turned back around , Vanessa was still looking at him . She gave him a little wave , and then continued to walk across campus . Norman was in a state of complete and utter bliss . She had waved at him . He was happy to the point of being manic . He was suddenly on top of the world . All of the accidents , broken bones , lightening strikes , animal attacks , and poor clothing choices that had ever affected him didn 't matter any more . In a fit of recklessness , Norman hopped up on the rail of the steps and started to slide down . He was grinning from ear to ear . That feeling of complete joy is probably what kept him from really thinking his actions through . The stairs leading out of the Humanities Building were steep . So was the railing . Norman was giddy when he first started sliding down the rails , but that giddiness quickly changed to terror as he picked up speed uncontrollably . Norman let out a little squeal before he reached the bottom of the rail , because he saw where he was heading . At the bottom of the rail was one of the large wheeled trash cans the workers were using to collect leaves . With no way to stop , Norman closed his eyes as he flew off the rail and landed in the trash can , neatly folded in half with both his arms and legs sticking out of the top of the can . The trash can began rolling with the momentum that Norman had picked up . Norman had absolutely no control over where it was going . It proceeded along the sidewalk and down a hill . Picking up speed , Norman began to realize not only the danger he was in , but the danger to others . He started to hear people yelling at each other to get out of the way . He felt a bump and then heard what sounded like a squirrel moaning . A few students even threw trash into the can as it sped by . Norman was pretty sure that whatever good fortune he had built up was being flushed right down the drain . This became even more clear when he head someone yell " Vanessa ! Get out of the way ! " Vanessa turned around just in time for the trashcan to crash into her . Vanessa , the trash can , and Norman fell over in a tangle of arms , legs , books , leaves , paper wads , and two empty Coke cans . It took Norman a few seconds to gather himself . He was dizzy and in pain . When he looked beside him and saw Vanessa lying on the sidewalk , that pain tripled . He immediately stood up and started muttering apologies . " I 'm so sorry ! I couldn 't stop ! Are you all right ? Are you hurt ? Are you single ? I mean … are you all right ? " It took a moment , but Vanessa slowly sat up . She looked up and saw a very nervous Norman stretching out his hand to help her up . Despite the throbbing in her foot and the scratch on her head , this made her smile . She accepted Normans outstretched hand and pulled herself up . It was the first time that Norman had really gotten to look at he up close . She was taller than he was , with dark black hair that cascaded halfway down her back . She was wearing a pair of wrangler jeans and boots . Norman stared at her for a moment , then realized he was staring . He mumbled something about helping her and bent over to pick up her things . He started reaching for her books and noticed where she had dropped a hat . A cowgirl hat . He picked it up , more out of curiosity than anything . Vanessa reached over to take it from him , lightly brushing his fingers when she did . Norman had to fight against passing out he became so light - headed . Vanessa put the hat on and Norman almost passed out again . He had never been bug on the whole country look , but it worked perfectly with Vanessa . Realizing that he was staring again , Norman started to stammer . " I 'm … . uh … my name is … uh … what 's my name again ? " Vanessa laughed lightly . " Hello , Norman . My name is Vanessa . " She held out her hand for him to shake . Before he even knew what he was doing , Norman took Vanessa 's hand and kissed it . As soon as he realized what he had done , Norman dropped Vanessa 's hand and lifted his head up , prepared to be slapped . When no slap was forthcoming , he opened his eyes and looked at Vanessa . She was blushing . Vanessa smiled that smile once again . " I have been wanting to talk to you for so long , but I never seemed to find the opportunity . I was wondering if you might be available on Friday night for a date ? " Norman heard the words , but it took him a minute to realize that he wasn 't the one saying them . In fact , Vanessa was asking him out . Vanessa seemed to know that there was no way that Norman would be able to answer . The chances that he could put together a syllable , much less an entire sentence , were pretty much nil . She wrote her address and phone number on a small piece of paper . She placed it in his hand and whispered as she walked past . " Pick me up at seven , please . " Norman never knew that she had left . The shock had been too much for him . A few second after she had walked by Norman finally passed out , falling back into the trash can and continuing to roll , much like Norman , to destinations unknown . I 've gone through editorial notes before . I 've gone through my writing and corrected grammar or bits and pieces of things so that they sounded better . What I have not had to do before is go back and really rewrite something that I 've already completed . I have to tell you that it 's kicking my butt ! [ youtube https : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = hZyakYUT7xs ] This week I was thinking about . . . well , a lot more serious subjects than maybe I should during the holiday season . Regardless , I realized that there is a growing segment of the population that is often not included in writing as well as television and movies . We are doing that segment and ourselves a disservice by not including characters that truly represent them . . Of course I haven 't really included these characters either ( at least not on purpose ) , so I am going back in my work - in - progress and changing that . You may want to consider that as well . [ youtube https : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = lMkSqT0eL9o ] I was working with some students in the creative writing class I sometimes teach , and I asked them to write a family story . Some of the most enjoyable stories that I tell are about family members and family events , and I wanted to have the students try the same thing . I have only gotten to hear a couple of the stories , but I noticed something in the ones that I did hear that got me to thinking about many of the things that I have read and why some of those things haven 't grabbed me the way that other stories have : some writers have forgotten one of the basic lessons about a story . I 'm sure that many of you have drudged your way through English class because you had to . Even writers have to push themselves through it sometimes . Don 't take offense , English teachers . It is true of every class . I teach history and I had to drag myself through several history classes . However , there is a lesson from the class that we shouldn 't forget , and that was the basic outline of a story . There should be an introduction , there should be conflict , there should be a climax , and then the resolution and conclusion of the story . This sounds pretty obvious , but you would be surprised at how often this doesn 't happen . There are all sorts of reasons why writers might not use this formula . Perhaps they are trying a new approach and see the novelty as a form of artistic expression . Maybe they are writing non - fiction and don 't think that there should be a climax to it . Perhaps they didn 't really look at the story after they wrote it , but instead recorded as almost a free flow of thought . Whatever the reason , I see this happen , and most of the time it doesn 't work . Artistic expression only works if others can understand what you are doing and why . Don 't get me wrong . I still like to see people experiment , but if I can 't figure out their goal at the end , I may not give their next work a try . Unless you are writing a reference book , a non - fiction story still needs to captivate its audience , and having a climax helps to do that . Free flow of thought can work , but most of the time an audience wants to have that buildup of anticipation that leads to the climax . Otherwise , it 's like listening to that relative that loves to pull you aside to tell you things at the holiday gathering but never seems to get to the point . Long story short , go back to the basics . Look at your writing and see if , in some way , it follows the traditional model . You have to have that anticipation , and you have to have that climax . It 's like the shiny object that grabs everyone 's attention and says " Look at me ! Shiny object ! I 'm a shiny object ! " We know how well those work in real life . Why shouldn 't they work in our writing ? There seems to be something important missing from a lot of books these days . It is the same thing that writers claim is destroying the book industry , and yet they make extensive use of it themselves . Its technology . This week I ask why aren 't you putting tech in your story ? [ youtube https : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = jW2w9gNFk8U ] |
Ebun was so naturally gifted in his handwork that his fame spread to all the neighboring villages . People from all over the region came to buy wooden dolls from him or bring their broken dolls for repairs . He carefully studied the broken dolls and looked for the best way to mend it such that it looked exactly the way it was when he first made it . Ebun had a little daughter for whom he made a very beautiful doll on her tenth birthday . The little girl was so much in love with her little doll that she always played with it along with her friends . One day while playing with the doll , the wooden doll got broken and the little girl cried and ran to her father with the broken doll . When she got to him she complained that her doll 's arm got broken while she was playing with it . The father took time to listen to her complaints and then told her to leave the doll with him and come back later for it . The little girl said " no daddy you don 't understand , all I want you to do is carve out another arm and polish it , and then use some glue or nail and join it back that 's all ! ! . The father still tried to explain to her to leave the doll with him and come back after sometime for it because he made the doll and he knows how best to mend it when it is broken . The little grew impatient and said to her father , " Daddy , you are not doing it the way I want , you are too slow . " With that statement the little girl grabbed the doll and left her father 's workshop . The father called after her but she wouldn 't come back , and he felt so sad . Sometimes I feel frustrated , cause I think I know what 's best . It 's then I hear you say to me , " My Busy Child . . . just rest ! " Sometimes I feel so lonely and I think I 'd like a mate . Your still small voice gets oh so clear and says , " My Child . . . please wait ! " " I know the plans I have for you , the wondrous things you 'll see ; If you can just be patient , Child , and put your trust in me . I 've plans to draw you closer . I 've plans to help you grow . There 's much I do you cannot see and much you do not know . But know this , Child . . . I LOVE YOU . You are Precious unto Me . Before I formed you in the womb , I planned your destiny . I 've something very special I hope for you to learn . The gifts I wish to give to you are gifts you cannot earn . They come without a price tag , but not without a cost ; at Calvary , I gave My Son , so You would not be lost . Rest Child , and do not grow weary of doing what is good . I promise I 'll come back for you just like I said I would . Your name is written on my palm , I never could forget ; Therefore , do not be discouraged when my answer is . . . " Not Yet ! " Such heinous crimes upon the earth ! The cross is part of Christian 's life , And persecutions will happen , As Christ predicted all these things , For those who walked in His foot - steps ! His Holy Spirit guides Christians , Who live a righteous life for Christ , The only Son of Almighty - A heart of immense love for man ! But Christ resurrected from death ! He won clear victory o ' er satan ; All Christians good will do the same ; This faith is something strangely true . Let humiliations come in life ! Let trials , tribulations come ! Let strife threaten our faith and hope ! Christ stays with us till end of time ! A Christian takes his cross and walks ( God ) - - - Yes ? ( person ) - Don 't interrupt me . I 'm praying . ( God ) - - - But you called me . ( person ) - Called you ? I didn 't call you . I 'm praying . " Our Father which art in heaven . . . " ( God ) - - - There you did it again . ( person ) - Did what ? ( God ) - - - Called me . You said , " Our Father which art in heaven . " Here I am . . . What 's on your mind ? ( person ) - But I didn 't mean anything by it . I was , you know , just saying my prayers for the day . I always say the Lord 's Prayer . It makes me feel good , kind of like getting a duty done . ( God ) - - - All right . Go on . ( person ) - " Hallowed be thy name . . . " ( God ) - - - Hold it . What do you mean by that ? ( person ) By what ? ( God ) - - - By " hallowed be thy name " ? ( person ) - It means . . . it means . . . Good grief , I don 't know what it means . How should I know ? It 's just a part of the prayer . By the way , what does it mean ? ( God ) - - - It means honored , holy , wonderful . ( person ) - Hey , that makes sense . I never thought about what " hallowed " meant before . " Thy kingdom come , thy will be done , on earth as it is in heaven . " ( God ) - - - Do you really mean that ? ( person ) - Sure , why not ? ( God ) - - - What are you doing about it ? ( person ) - Doing ? Nothing , I guess . I just think it would be kind of neat if you got control of everything down here like you have up there . ( God ) - - - Have I got control of you ? ( person ) - Well , I go to church . ( God ) - - - That isn 't what I asked you . What about your bad temper ? You 've really got a problem there , you know . And then there 's the way you spend your money - - - all on yourself . And what about the kind of books you read ? ( person ) - Stop picking on me ! I 'm just as good as some of the rest of those people at the church . ( God ) - - - Excuse me . I thought you were praying for my will to be done . If that is to happen , it will have to start with the ones who are praying for it . Like you , for example . ( person ) - Oh , all right . I guess I do have some hang - ups . Now that you mention it , I could probably name some others . ( God ) - - - So could I . ( person ) - I haven 't thought about it very much until now , but I really would like to cut out some of those things . I would like to , you knowFriday , 21 September 2012 Please remember . . . I WILL NOT NEED YOUR HELP ! ! ! If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle , do not attempt to resolve it . Kindly put it in the SFGTD Box ( something for God to do ) . It will be addressed in My time , not yours . Once the matter is placed into the box , do not hold onto it . Holding on or removal will delay the resolution of your problem . If it is a situation that you think you are capable of handling , please consult me in prayer to be sure that it is the proper resolution . If you find yourself stuck in traffic , don 't despair . There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege . Should you have a bad day at work , think of the man who has been out of work for years . Should you despair over a relationship gone bad , think of the person who has never known what it 's like to love and be loved in return . Should you grieve the passing of another weekend , think of the woman in dire straits , working twelve hours a day , seven days a week to feed her children . Should your car break down , leaving you miles away from assistance , think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk . Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror , think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine . Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about , asking what is my purpose ? Be thankful ! There are those who didn 't live long enough to get the opportunity . Should you find yourself the victim of other people 's bitterness , ignorance , smallness or insecurities , remember . . . things could be worse . You could be them ! ! ! Because I do not sleep nor do I slumber , there is no need for you to lose any sleep . Rest , my child . If you need to contact me , I am only a prayer away . Love Eternally , The Lord your God in ashes , perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree . Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight , he knocked over the bird with a stick . When he gently struck it , three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother 's wings . The loving mother , keenly aware of impending disaster , had carried her offsprings to the base of the tree and had gathered them under her wings , instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise . She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies . The mother had remained steadfast . She had been willing to die , so those under the cover of her wings would live . " He will cover you with his feathers , and under his wings you will find refuge . " ( Psalm 91 : 4 ) They walked in tandem , each of the ninety - two students filing into the already crowded auditorium . With their rich maroon gowns flowing . . . and the traditional caps , they looked almost as grown up as they felt . Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles , and Moms freely brushed away tears . This class would NOT pray during the commencements - not by choice , but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it . The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling . They gave inspirational and challenging speeches , but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families . The speeches were nice , but they were routine . . . until the final speech received a standing ovation . A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone . He stood still and silent for just a moment , and then , it happened . All 92 students , every single one of them , suddenly SNEEZED ! ! ! ! The student on stage simply looked at the audience and said , " GOD BLESS YOU , each and every one of you ! " And he walked off stage . . . The audience exploded into applause . This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God 's blessing on their future with or without the court 's approval . This is a true story ; it happened at the University of Maryland . These one liners not only are true . . . but they are a funny way to think about our faith . It 's good to laugh every now and then , so we hope you like these one liners ! : - - - Many folks want to serve God , but only as advisers . It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one . The good Lord didn 't create anything without a purpose , but mosquitoes come close . When you get to your wit 's end , you 'll find God lives there . People are funny , they want the front of the bus , the middle of the road , and the back of the church . Opportunity may knock once , but temptation bangs on your front door forever . Quit griping about your church ; if it was perfect , you couldn 't belong . The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience : " And in conclusion . " If the church wants a better preacher , it only needs to pray for the one it has . God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead . So why should you ? To make a long story short , don 't tell it . If your left hand doesn 't know what your right hand is doing , you should consider running for a job in Washington , DC . Some minds are like concrete , thoroughly mixed up and permanently set . Peace starts with a smile . I don 't know why some people change churches ; what difference does it make which one you stay home from ? A lot of church members who are singing " Standing on the Promises " are just sitting on the premises . We were called to be witnesses , not lawyers or judges . Be ye fishers of men . You catch ' em - He 'll clean ' em . Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous . Don 't put a question mark where God put a period . Don 't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church . Forbidden fruits create many jams . God doesn 't call the qualified , He qualifies the called . God grades on the cross , not the curve . God loves everyone , but probably prefers " fruits of the spirit " over " religious nuts ! " God promises a safe landing , not a calm passage . He who angers you , controls you ! If God is your Copilot - swap seats ! Prayer : Don 't give God instructions - - just report for duty ! The task ahead of us is never as grThursday , 19 July 2012 Here are some beautiful thoughts on life . " Maybe " they will help you in certain areas of your life : ) Maybe God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person , we will know how to be grateful for that gift . Maybe when the door of happiness closes , another opens , but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don 't see the one which has been opened for us . Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with , never say a word , and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you 've ever had . Maybe it is true that we don 't know what we have got until we lose it , but it is also true that we don 't know what we have been missing until it arrives . Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back . Don 't expect love in return ; just wait for it to grow in their heart ; but if it does not , be content it grew in yours . It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone , an hour to like someone , and a day to love someone , but it takes a lifetime to forget someone . Don 't go for looks ; they can deceive . Don 't go for wealth ; even that fades away . Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright . Find the one that makes your heart smile . There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real . Dream what you want to dream ; go where you want to go ; be what you want to be , because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do . May you have enough happiness to make you sweet , enough trials to make you strong , enough sorrow to keep you human , enough hope to make you happy . Always put yourself in others ' shoes . If you feel that it hurts you , it probably hurts the other person , too . The happiest of people don 't necessarily have the best of everything ; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way . Happiness lies for those who cry , those who hurt , Friday , 13 July 2012 This is just a very short story , but it is one example of how we can be the difference in someone else 's life . It 's easy to think we are insignificant and even the smallest gesture doesn 't matter . . . but it does . D . L . Moody told the story of a man crossing the Atlantic by ship . One night , as he was confined to his cabin due to seasickness , he heard the cry , " Man overboard ! " He felt that there was nothing he could do to help , but he said to himself , " I can at least put my lantern in the porthole . " He struggled to his feet and hung the light so it would shine out into the darkness . The next day he learned that the person had been rescued and had told others , " I was going down in the dark night for the last time when someone put a light in a porthole . As it shone on my hand , a sailor in a lifeboat grabbed it and pulled me in . " God has chosen us to reach out and light up lives , no matter how small or insignificant we may feel ! This is the most powerful story we have ever shared . It will give you goosebumps . A nurse took the tired , anxious serviceman to the bedside . " Your son is here , " she said to the old man . She had to repeat the words several times before the patient 's eyes opened . Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack , he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent . He reached out his hand . The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man 's limp ones , squeezing a message of love and encouragement . The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed . All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward , holding the old man 's hand and offering him words of love and strength . Occasionally , the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile . He refused . Whenever the nurse came into the ward , the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank , the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings , the cries and moans of the other patients . Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words . The dying man said nothing , only held tightly to his son all through the night . Along towards dawn , the old man died . The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse . While she did what she had to do , he waited . Finally , she returned . She started to offer words of sympathy , but the Marine interrupted her , " Who was that man ? " he asked . The nurse was startled , " He was your father , " she answered . " No , he wasn 't , " the Marine replied . " I never saw him before in my life . " " Then why didn 't you say something when I took you to him ? " " I knew right away there had been a mistake , but I also knew he needed his son , and his son just wasn 't here . When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son , knowing how much he needed me , I stayed . I came here tonight to find a Mr . William Grey . His Son was killed in Iraq today , and I was sent to inform himSaturday , 30 June 2012 " Poor little butterfly , " the young girl said . " Poor little butterfly . " Then reaching down slowly so as to not scare it away , she slid her tiny fingers underneath , urging it to step upon her hand . It would appear to anyone that this delicate creature was lifeless leaving behind remains of what once was . But not her . She sensed something . She knew right away that there was indeed some life left in this most fragile example of God 's work . The butterfly nearly tumbled onto her hand , wings folded straight up , apparently unable to fly . Then , perhaps it was the warmth of her hands or the welcoming response to the attention it was given , but the butterfly began to walk slowly up to her palm . " Poor little butterfly , " she repeated again as she brought it closer to her face . " If I could kiss you I would , " she said . The butterfly , appearing to respond , slowly opened its wings , to reveal its beautiful designand colors . Now open fully , the child brought it closer and gave an angel 's kiss of love . Just off in the distance watching this precious moment , her grandmother walked toward them . " Oh , you have found it , " she said . " I was waiting for it and wondered where it was . " The child looked a bit surprised and said . " You were waiting for this butterfly ? Why ? " " It is sent to remind us , " grandmother said . " But it is dying . I feel sorry for it . Don 't they fly away when it gets cold ? " " Yes , they do . But one is always chosen to remain behind , " she said . Maybe this was just grandmother 's way of softening the the truth so that the child would not be saddened by the thought of the butterfly dying . But what unfolded here was an incredible moment , an opportunity seen and taken to teach a lesson of love . " Why would they choose to be left behind ? " the child asked as she gently stroked the butterfly . " They don 't choose to be , they are chosen , " she told her . The child looked down again and held it closer . " It is a great honor to be chosen . The story goes that God realized that when winter comes color disappears . The color of the flowers fade into the earth and aThursday , 28 June 2012 Louise Redden , a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face , walked into a grocery store . She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries . She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work . They had seven children and they needed food . John Longhouse , the grocer , scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store . Visualizing the family needs , she said : " Please , sir ! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can . " John told her he could not give her credit , as she did not have a charge account at his store . Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation between the two . The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family . The grocer said in a very reluctant voice , " Do you have a grocery list ? " Louise replied , " Yes sir . " " Okay " he said , " put your grocery list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs , I will give you that amount in groceries . " Louise hesitated a moment with a bowed head . Then she reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it . She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed . The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scale went down and stayed down . The grocer , staring at the scales , turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly , " I can 't believe it . " The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales . The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more . The grocer stood there in utter disgust . Finally , he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with greater amazement . It was not a grocery list . It was instead a prayer which said : " Dear Lord , you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands . " The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned silence . Louise thanked him and left the store . The customer handed a fifty - dollar bill to the grocer and said , " It was worth every penny of it . " It was sometime later that the grocer discovered the scales were broken ; therefore , only God knows how much a prayer weighs . The purpose of this study is to help Christians improve in prayer . People who are new in the faith may have never studied about how to pray . Some members do not pray properly so their prayers are not even answered . All of us can improve in this aspect of worship . We need to learn what to pray about . Should we make requests , be thankful , offer praise , intercede on behalf of others , offer petition ? And what power does prayer have ? Does God really answer prayer ? If so , how should we pray and what conditions must prayer meet in order for God to hear and answer ? These and other questions will be considered in this study . What is prayer ? Note Acts 4 : 24 , 31 . Prayer is simply man talking to God , expressing his thoughts to God ( Rom . 10 : 1 ; Matt . 6 : 9ff ) . Hence , it is a form of communication similar in may ways to simply talking to our earthly father , except that we must remember whom we are addressing and must meet conditions of acceptable prayer . When nobody spoke for the third time , he simply stated , " Then there is no God . " One student thought for a second , and then asked for permission to reply . Curious to hear this bold student 's response , the professor granted it , and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates : " Has anyone in this class heard our professor 's brain ? " Two men , both seriously ill , occupied the same hospital room . One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs . His bed was next to the room 's only window . The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back . The men talked for hours on end . They spoke of their wives and families , their homes , their jobs , their involvement in the military service , where they had been on vacation . And every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up , he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window . The man in the other bed began to live for those one - hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside . The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake . Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats . Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color of the rainbow . Grand old trees graced the landscape , and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance . As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail , the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene . One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by . Although the other man couldn 't hear the band - he could see it in his mind 's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words . Days and weeks passed . One morning , the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window , who had died peacefully in his sleep . She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away . As soon as it seemed appropriate , the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window . The nurse was happy to make the switch , and after making sure he was comfortable , she left him alone . Slowly , painfully , he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the world outside . Finally , he would have the joy of seeing it for himself . He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed . It faced a blank wall . The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window . The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall . She said , " Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you . " There is tremendous happiness in making others happy , despite ouFriday , 8 June 2012 There was a still a steady rain when Amee trudged into the shelter at the bus stop that evening . Sitting heavily on the bench , she stared at muddy gutter , and wondered when things would ever change . So much had been wrong , she felt she was slowly being crushed inside . The physical therapy after the auto accident was only supposed to be for a couple weeks . The weeks had stretched to months , and although she could walk now , she still fought for balance on her steps , and the numbing ache still robbed her of sleep most nights . Her broken collarbone still ached , too , when it rained . Like today . Her stomach growled , and she grimaced at the thought of food . All the medications were ruining her appetite , too . She was so tired of being sick . So tired of being tired . Amee sat lost in thought , as the rain dripped steadily off the awning . Suddenly , Amee was aware of white service shoes in front of her line of vision . Startled , she followed the sturdy uniform - clad legs up to see pudgy tan hands clasped around an ample waist within a bright blue scrub shirt . She looked up into a pair of crinkled - rimmed kind brown eyes , and realized a woman was speaking to her . " Ya all right , honey ? " she was saying . Without warning , Amee burst into tears . In seconds , the woman had stepped close , and pulled Amee 's head to her ample bosom , and held her quietly close . The moment passed , and Amee straightened up , apologizing profusely through her tears . " Stop Amee , " said the soft voice . " God knows when we 're drowning , and need His touch . The sun will come out again for you . " Gently she kissed Amee 's forehead , and turned to walk away . " Wait ! " cried Amee , " How did you know my name ? ! " " God knows all His children by name , child . " As Amee blinked in astonishment , the bus arrived , blocking her view . As she stood up , shaking her head , the voice came again . At the same moment as the breaking sunbeams . In the mist steaming off the pavement Amee distinctly heard , " He knows you needed to be held in His arms , for just a moment . To hear His heartbeat . He sent me to wrap you in it today . " Howard County Sheriff Jerry Marr got a disturbing call one Saturday afternoon a few months ago . His 6 - year - old grandson Mikey had been hit by a car while fishing in Greentown with his dad . The father and son were near a bridge by the Kokomo Reservoir when a woman lost control of her car , slid off the bridge and hit Mikey at a rate of about 50 mph . Sheriff Marr had seen the results of accidents like this and feared the worst . When he got to Saint Joseph Hospital , he rushed through the emergency room to find Mikey conscious and in fairly good spirits . " Mikey , what happened ? " Sheriff Marr asked . Mikey replied , " Well , Papaw , I was fishin ' with Dad , and some lady runned me over , I flew into a mud puddle , and broke my fishin ' pole and I didn 't get to catch no fish ! " As it turned out , the impact propelled Mikey about 500 feet , over a few trees and an embankment and in to the middle of a mud puddle . His only injuries were to his right femur bone , which had broken in two places . Mikey had surgery to place pins in his leg . Otherwise the boy is fine . Since all the boy could talk about was that his fishing pole was broken , the Sheriff went out to Wal - Mart and bought him a new one while he was in surgery so he could have it when he came out . The next day the Sheriff sat with Mikey to keep him company in the hospital . Mikey was enjoying his new fishing pole and talked about when he could go fishing again as he cast into the trash can . When they were alone Mikey , just as matter - of - fact , said , " Papaw , did you know Jesus is real ? " " Well , " the Sheriff replied , a little startled . " Yes , Jesus is real to all who believe in him and love him in their hearts . " " No , " said Mikey . " I mean Jesus is REALLY real . " " What do you mean ? " asked the Sheriff . " I know he 's real ' cause I saw him , " said Mikey , still casting into the trash can . " You did ? " said the Sheriff . " Yep , " said Mikey . " When that lady runned me over and broke my fishing pole , Jesus caught me in his arms and laid me down in the mud puddle . " |
Ebun was so naturally gifted in his handwork that his fame spread to all the neighboring villages . People from all over the region came to buy wooden dolls from him or bring their broken dolls for repairs . He carefully studied the broken dolls and looked for the best way to mend it such that it looked exactly the way it was when he first made it . Ebun had a little daughter for whom he made a very beautiful doll on her tenth birthday . The little girl was so much in love with her little doll that she always played with it along with her friends . One day while playing with the doll , the wooden doll got broken and the little girl cried and ran to her father with the broken doll . When she got to him she complained that her doll 's arm got broken while she was playing with it . The father took time to listen to her complaints and then told her to leave the doll with him and come back later for it . The little girl said " no daddy you don 't understand , all I want you to do is carve out another arm and polish it , and then use some glue or nail and join it back that 's all ! ! . The father still tried to explain to her to leave the doll with him and come back after sometime for it because he made the doll and he knows how best to mend it when it is broken . The little grew impatient and said to her father , " Daddy , you are not doing it the way I want , you are too slow . " With that statement the little girl grabbed the doll and left her father 's workshop . The father called after her but she wouldn 't come back , and he felt so sad . Sometimes I feel frustrated , cause I think I know what 's best . It 's then I hear you say to me , " My Busy Child . . . just rest ! " Sometimes I feel so lonely and I think I 'd like a mate . Your still small voice gets oh so clear and says , " My Child . . . please wait ! " " I know the plans I have for you , the wondrous things you 'll see ; If you can just be patient , Child , and put your trust in me . I 've plans to draw you closer . I 've plans to help you grow . There 's much I do you cannot see and much you do not know . But know this , Child . . . I LOVE YOU . You are Precious unto Me . Before I formed you in the womb , I planned your destiny . I 've something very special I hope for you to learn . The gifts I wish to give to you are gifts you cannot earn . They come without a price tag , but not without a cost ; at Calvary , I gave My Son , so You would not be lost . Rest Child , and do not grow weary of doing what is good . I promise I 'll come back for you just like I said I would . Your name is written on my palm , I never could forget ; Therefore , do not be discouraged when my answer is . . . " Not Yet ! " Such heinous crimes upon the earth ! The cross is part of Christian 's life , And persecutions will happen , As Christ predicted all these things , For those who walked in His foot - steps ! His Holy Spirit guides Christians , Who live a righteous life for Christ , The only Son of Almighty - A heart of immense love for man ! But Christ resurrected from death ! He won clear victory o ' er satan ; All Christians good will do the same ; This faith is something strangely true . Let humiliations come in life ! Let trials , tribulations come ! Let strife threaten our faith and hope ! Christ stays with us till end of time ! A Christian takes his cross and walks ( God ) - - - Yes ? ( person ) - Don 't interrupt me . I 'm praying . ( God ) - - - But you called me . ( person ) - Called you ? I didn 't call you . I 'm praying . " Our Father which art in heaven . . . " ( God ) - - - There you did it again . ( person ) - Did what ? ( God ) - - - Called me . You said , " Our Father which art in heaven . " Here I am . . . What 's on your mind ? ( person ) - But I didn 't mean anything by it . I was , you know , just saying my prayers for the day . I always say the Lord 's Prayer . It makes me feel good , kind of like getting a duty done . ( God ) - - - All right . Go on . ( person ) - " Hallowed be thy name . . . " ( God ) - - - Hold it . What do you mean by that ? ( person ) By what ? ( God ) - - - By " hallowed be thy name " ? ( person ) - It means . . . it means . . . Good grief , I don 't know what it means . How should I know ? It 's just a part of the prayer . By the way , what does it mean ? ( God ) - - - It means honored , holy , wonderful . ( person ) - Hey , that makes sense . I never thought about what " hallowed " meant before . " Thy kingdom come , thy will be done , on earth as it is in heaven . " ( God ) - - - Do you really mean that ? ( person ) - Sure , why not ? ( God ) - - - What are you doing about it ? ( person ) - Doing ? Nothing , I guess . I just think it would be kind of neat if you got control of everything down here like you have up there . ( God ) - - - Have I got control of you ? ( person ) - Well , I go to church . ( God ) - - - That isn 't what I asked you . What about your bad temper ? You 've really got a problem there , you know . And then there 's the way you spend your money - - - all on yourself . And what about the kind of books you read ? ( person ) - Stop picking on me ! I 'm just as good as some of the rest of those people at the church . ( God ) - - - Excuse me . I thought you were praying for my will to be done . If that is to happen , it will have to start with the ones who are praying for it . Like you , for example . ( person ) - Oh , all right . I guess I do have some hang - ups . Now that you mention it , I could probably name some others . ( God ) - - - So could I . ( person ) - I haven 't thought about it very much until now , but I really would like to cut out some of those things . I would like to , you knowFriday , 21 September 2012 Please remember . . . I WILL NOT NEED YOUR HELP ! ! ! If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle , do not attempt to resolve it . Kindly put it in the SFGTD Box ( something for God to do ) . It will be addressed in My time , not yours . Once the matter is placed into the box , do not hold onto it . Holding on or removal will delay the resolution of your problem . If it is a situation that you think you are capable of handling , please consult me in prayer to be sure that it is the proper resolution . If you find yourself stuck in traffic , don 't despair . There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege . Should you have a bad day at work , think of the man who has been out of work for years . Should you despair over a relationship gone bad , think of the person who has never known what it 's like to love and be loved in return . Should you grieve the passing of another weekend , think of the woman in dire straits , working twelve hours a day , seven days a week to feed her children . Should your car break down , leaving you miles away from assistance , think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk . Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror , think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine . Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about , asking what is my purpose ? Be thankful ! There are those who didn 't live long enough to get the opportunity . Should you find yourself the victim of other people 's bitterness , ignorance , smallness or insecurities , remember . . . things could be worse . You could be them ! ! ! Because I do not sleep nor do I slumber , there is no need for you to lose any sleep . Rest , my child . If you need to contact me , I am only a prayer away . Love Eternally , The Lord your God in ashes , perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree . Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight , he knocked over the bird with a stick . When he gently struck it , three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother 's wings . The loving mother , keenly aware of impending disaster , had carried her offsprings to the base of the tree and had gathered them under her wings , instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise . She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies . The mother had remained steadfast . She had been willing to die , so those under the cover of her wings would live . " He will cover you with his feathers , and under his wings you will find refuge . " ( Psalm 91 : 4 ) They walked in tandem , each of the ninety - two students filing into the already crowded auditorium . With their rich maroon gowns flowing . . . and the traditional caps , they looked almost as grown up as they felt . Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles , and Moms freely brushed away tears . This class would NOT pray during the commencements - not by choice , but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it . The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling . They gave inspirational and challenging speeches , but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families . The speeches were nice , but they were routine . . . until the final speech received a standing ovation . A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone . He stood still and silent for just a moment , and then , it happened . All 92 students , every single one of them , suddenly SNEEZED ! ! ! ! The student on stage simply looked at the audience and said , " GOD BLESS YOU , each and every one of you ! " And he walked off stage . . . The audience exploded into applause . This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God 's blessing on their future with or without the court 's approval . This is a true story ; it happened at the University of Maryland . These one liners not only are true . . . but they are a funny way to think about our faith . It 's good to laugh every now and then , so we hope you like these one liners ! : - - - Many folks want to serve God , but only as advisers . It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one . The good Lord didn 't create anything without a purpose , but mosquitoes come close . When you get to your wit 's end , you 'll find God lives there . People are funny , they want the front of the bus , the middle of the road , and the back of the church . Opportunity may knock once , but temptation bangs on your front door forever . Quit griping about your church ; if it was perfect , you couldn 't belong . The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience : " And in conclusion . " If the church wants a better preacher , it only needs to pray for the one it has . God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead . So why should you ? To make a long story short , don 't tell it . If your left hand doesn 't know what your right hand is doing , you should consider running for a job in Washington , DC . Some minds are like concrete , thoroughly mixed up and permanently set . Peace starts with a smile . I don 't know why some people change churches ; what difference does it make which one you stay home from ? A lot of church members who are singing " Standing on the Promises " are just sitting on the premises . We were called to be witnesses , not lawyers or judges . Be ye fishers of men . You catch ' em - He 'll clean ' em . Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous . Don 't put a question mark where God put a period . Don 't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church . Forbidden fruits create many jams . God doesn 't call the qualified , He qualifies the called . God grades on the cross , not the curve . God loves everyone , but probably prefers " fruits of the spirit " over " religious nuts ! " God promises a safe landing , not a calm passage . He who angers you , controls you ! If God is your Copilot - swap seats ! Prayer : Don 't give God instructions - - just report for duty ! The task ahead of us is never as grThursday , 19 July 2012 Here are some beautiful thoughts on life . " Maybe " they will help you in certain areas of your life : ) Maybe God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person , we will know how to be grateful for that gift . Maybe when the door of happiness closes , another opens , but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don 't see the one which has been opened for us . Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with , never say a word , and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you 've ever had . Maybe it is true that we don 't know what we have got until we lose it , but it is also true that we don 't know what we have been missing until it arrives . Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back . Don 't expect love in return ; just wait for it to grow in their heart ; but if it does not , be content it grew in yours . It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone , an hour to like someone , and a day to love someone , but it takes a lifetime to forget someone . Don 't go for looks ; they can deceive . Don 't go for wealth ; even that fades away . Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright . Find the one that makes your heart smile . There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real . Dream what you want to dream ; go where you want to go ; be what you want to be , because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do . May you have enough happiness to make you sweet , enough trials to make you strong , enough sorrow to keep you human , enough hope to make you happy . Always put yourself in others ' shoes . If you feel that it hurts you , it probably hurts the other person , too . The happiest of people don 't necessarily have the best of everything ; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way . Happiness lies for those who cry , those who hurt , Friday , 13 July 2012 This is just a very short story , but it is one example of how we can be the difference in someone else 's life . It 's easy to think we are insignificant and even the smallest gesture doesn 't matter . . . but it does . D . L . Moody told the story of a man crossing the Atlantic by ship . One night , as he was confined to his cabin due to seasickness , he heard the cry , " Man overboard ! " He felt that there was nothing he could do to help , but he said to himself , " I can at least put my lantern in the porthole . " He struggled to his feet and hung the light so it would shine out into the darkness . The next day he learned that the person had been rescued and had told others , " I was going down in the dark night for the last time when someone put a light in a porthole . As it shone on my hand , a sailor in a lifeboat grabbed it and pulled me in . " God has chosen us to reach out and light up lives , no matter how small or insignificant we may feel ! This is the most powerful story we have ever shared . It will give you goosebumps . A nurse took the tired , anxious serviceman to the bedside . " Your son is here , " she said to the old man . She had to repeat the words several times before the patient 's eyes opened . Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack , he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent . He reached out his hand . The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man 's limp ones , squeezing a message of love and encouragement . The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed . All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward , holding the old man 's hand and offering him words of love and strength . Occasionally , the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile . He refused . Whenever the nurse came into the ward , the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank , the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings , the cries and moans of the other patients . Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words . The dying man said nothing , only held tightly to his son all through the night . Along towards dawn , the old man died . The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse . While she did what she had to do , he waited . Finally , she returned . She started to offer words of sympathy , but the Marine interrupted her , " Who was that man ? " he asked . The nurse was startled , " He was your father , " she answered . " No , he wasn 't , " the Marine replied . " I never saw him before in my life . " " Then why didn 't you say something when I took you to him ? " " I knew right away there had been a mistake , but I also knew he needed his son , and his son just wasn 't here . When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son , knowing how much he needed me , I stayed . I came here tonight to find a Mr . William Grey . His Son was killed in Iraq today , and I was sent to inform himSaturday , 30 June 2012 " Poor little butterfly , " the young girl said . " Poor little butterfly . " Then reaching down slowly so as to not scare it away , she slid her tiny fingers underneath , urging it to step upon her hand . It would appear to anyone that this delicate creature was lifeless leaving behind remains of what once was . But not her . She sensed something . She knew right away that there was indeed some life left in this most fragile example of God 's work . The butterfly nearly tumbled onto her hand , wings folded straight up , apparently unable to fly . Then , perhaps it was the warmth of her hands or the welcoming response to the attention it was given , but the butterfly began to walk slowly up to her palm . " Poor little butterfly , " she repeated again as she brought it closer to her face . " If I could kiss you I would , " she said . The butterfly , appearing to respond , slowly opened its wings , to reveal its beautiful designand colors . Now open fully , the child brought it closer and gave an angel 's kiss of love . Just off in the distance watching this precious moment , her grandmother walked toward them . " Oh , you have found it , " she said . " I was waiting for it and wondered where it was . " The child looked a bit surprised and said . " You were waiting for this butterfly ? Why ? " " It is sent to remind us , " grandmother said . " But it is dying . I feel sorry for it . Don 't they fly away when it gets cold ? " " Yes , they do . But one is always chosen to remain behind , " she said . Maybe this was just grandmother 's way of softening the the truth so that the child would not be saddened by the thought of the butterfly dying . But what unfolded here was an incredible moment , an opportunity seen and taken to teach a lesson of love . " Why would they choose to be left behind ? " the child asked as she gently stroked the butterfly . " They don 't choose to be , they are chosen , " she told her . The child looked down again and held it closer . " It is a great honor to be chosen . The story goes that God realized that when winter comes color disappears . The color of the flowers fade into the earth and aThursday , 28 June 2012 Louise Redden , a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face , walked into a grocery store . She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries . She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work . They had seven children and they needed food . John Longhouse , the grocer , scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store . Visualizing the family needs , she said : " Please , sir ! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can . " John told her he could not give her credit , as she did not have a charge account at his store . Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation between the two . The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family . The grocer said in a very reluctant voice , " Do you have a grocery list ? " Louise replied , " Yes sir . " " Okay " he said , " put your grocery list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs , I will give you that amount in groceries . " Louise hesitated a moment with a bowed head . Then she reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it . She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed . The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scale went down and stayed down . The grocer , staring at the scales , turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly , " I can 't believe it . " The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales . The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more . The grocer stood there in utter disgust . Finally , he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with greater amazement . It was not a grocery list . It was instead a prayer which said : " Dear Lord , you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands . " The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned silence . Louise thanked him and left the store . The customer handed a fifty - dollar bill to the grocer and said , " It was worth every penny of it . " It was sometime later that the grocer discovered the scales were broken ; therefore , only God knows how much a prayer weighs . The purpose of this study is to help Christians improve in prayer . People who are new in the faith may have never studied about how to pray . Some members do not pray properly so their prayers are not even answered . All of us can improve in this aspect of worship . We need to learn what to pray about . Should we make requests , be thankful , offer praise , intercede on behalf of others , offer petition ? And what power does prayer have ? Does God really answer prayer ? If so , how should we pray and what conditions must prayer meet in order for God to hear and answer ? These and other questions will be considered in this study . What is prayer ? Note Acts 4 : 24 , 31 . Prayer is simply man talking to God , expressing his thoughts to God ( Rom . 10 : 1 ; Matt . 6 : 9ff ) . Hence , it is a form of communication similar in may ways to simply talking to our earthly father , except that we must remember whom we are addressing and must meet conditions of acceptable prayer . When nobody spoke for the third time , he simply stated , " Then there is no God . " One student thought for a second , and then asked for permission to reply . Curious to hear this bold student 's response , the professor granted it , and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates : " Has anyone in this class heard our professor 's brain ? " Two men , both seriously ill , occupied the same hospital room . One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs . His bed was next to the room 's only window . The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back . The men talked for hours on end . They spoke of their wives and families , their homes , their jobs , their involvement in the military service , where they had been on vacation . And every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up , he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window . The man in the other bed began to live for those one - hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside . The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake . Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats . Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color of the rainbow . Grand old trees graced the landscape , and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance . As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail , the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene . One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by . Although the other man couldn 't hear the band - he could see it in his mind 's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words . Days and weeks passed . One morning , the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window , who had died peacefully in his sleep . She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away . As soon as it seemed appropriate , the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window . The nurse was happy to make the switch , and after making sure he was comfortable , she left him alone . Slowly , painfully , he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the world outside . Finally , he would have the joy of seeing it for himself . He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed . It faced a blank wall . The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window . The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall . She said , " Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you . " There is tremendous happiness in making others happy , despite ouFriday , 8 June 2012 There was a still a steady rain when Amee trudged into the shelter at the bus stop that evening . Sitting heavily on the bench , she stared at muddy gutter , and wondered when things would ever change . So much had been wrong , she felt she was slowly being crushed inside . The physical therapy after the auto accident was only supposed to be for a couple weeks . The weeks had stretched to months , and although she could walk now , she still fought for balance on her steps , and the numbing ache still robbed her of sleep most nights . Her broken collarbone still ached , too , when it rained . Like today . Her stomach growled , and she grimaced at the thought of food . All the medications were ruining her appetite , too . She was so tired of being sick . So tired of being tired . Amee sat lost in thought , as the rain dripped steadily off the awning . Suddenly , Amee was aware of white service shoes in front of her line of vision . Startled , she followed the sturdy uniform - clad legs up to see pudgy tan hands clasped around an ample waist within a bright blue scrub shirt . She looked up into a pair of crinkled - rimmed kind brown eyes , and realized a woman was speaking to her . " Ya all right , honey ? " she was saying . Without warning , Amee burst into tears . In seconds , the woman had stepped close , and pulled Amee 's head to her ample bosom , and held her quietly close . The moment passed , and Amee straightened up , apologizing profusely through her tears . " Stop Amee , " said the soft voice . " God knows when we 're drowning , and need His touch . The sun will come out again for you . " Gently she kissed Amee 's forehead , and turned to walk away . " Wait ! " cried Amee , " How did you know my name ? ! " " God knows all His children by name , child . " As Amee blinked in astonishment , the bus arrived , blocking her view . As she stood up , shaking her head , the voice came again . At the same moment as the breaking sunbeams . In the mist steaming off the pavement Amee distinctly heard , " He knows you needed to be held in His arms , for just a moment . To hear His heartbeat . He sent me to wrap you in it today . " Howard County Sheriff Jerry Marr got a disturbing call one Saturday afternoon a few months ago . His 6 - year - old grandson Mikey had been hit by a car while fishing in Greentown with his dad . The father and son were near a bridge by the Kokomo Reservoir when a woman lost control of her car , slid off the bridge and hit Mikey at a rate of about 50 mph . Sheriff Marr had seen the results of accidents like this and feared the worst . When he got to Saint Joseph Hospital , he rushed through the emergency room to find Mikey conscious and in fairly good spirits . " Mikey , what happened ? " Sheriff Marr asked . Mikey replied , " Well , Papaw , I was fishin ' with Dad , and some lady runned me over , I flew into a mud puddle , and broke my fishin ' pole and I didn 't get to catch no fish ! " As it turned out , the impact propelled Mikey about 500 feet , over a few trees and an embankment and in to the middle of a mud puddle . His only injuries were to his right femur bone , which had broken in two places . Mikey had surgery to place pins in his leg . Otherwise the boy is fine . Since all the boy could talk about was that his fishing pole was broken , the Sheriff went out to Wal - Mart and bought him a new one while he was in surgery so he could have it when he came out . The next day the Sheriff sat with Mikey to keep him company in the hospital . Mikey was enjoying his new fishing pole and talked about when he could go fishing again as he cast into the trash can . When they were alone Mikey , just as matter - of - fact , said , " Papaw , did you know Jesus is real ? " " Well , " the Sheriff replied , a little startled . " Yes , Jesus is real to all who believe in him and love him in their hearts . " " No , " said Mikey . " I mean Jesus is REALLY real . " " What do you mean ? " asked the Sheriff . " I know he 's real ' cause I saw him , " said Mikey , still casting into the trash can . " You did ? " said the Sheriff . " Yep , " said Mikey . " When that lady runned me over and broke my fishing pole , Jesus caught me in his arms and laid me down in the mud puddle . " |
Do you know how to build a Christian life ? II Peter 1 : 5 - 7 tells us how . Peter is not trying to be overwhelming , but pictures our growth in a series of qualities added one at a time , as pearls on a string , rather than growing them all at once . There is a reason behind the sequence and we would like to briefly look at each of these . Today we 're going to start with FAITH . It is dependence . It is total . It is a belief in God , not just in what God said or did , but in God Himself . Abraham believed God , and it was reckoned to him as righteousness . ( Genesis 15 : 6 ) You can have the same relationship that Abraham had and have it on the same basis . There are two kinds of faith , both of which are mentioned in Romans 1 : 17 . From Faith is objective faith , the body of faith in which we believe . To Faith is the subjective status of living out the faith in our own lives and not just looking at it in a book . The Christian life is really simple : believe in Jesus Christ and live what you believe . Make sure you do believe in Him . Then you 're ready to move on . That 's why it says that we supply ourselves from this starting point . Some scriptures to look at : Jude 3 and Habakkuk 2 : 4 PART 25 , December 25 " Merry Christmas , " said Hickory Hog to all his friends . They were all seated around his table . Spread before them were hot cups of cocoa , platters piled high with popcorn , pancakes made from potato batter , corn syrup for the top of them , turnip sauce , hash browned potatoes and fried Brussels sprouts . There was Whizzer Worm on one side of the table . Next to him was the frightened little bird . Then there was the little old man . Next to him was the Christmas Rascal . " Well , we got a white Christmas after all , thanks to you . Hickory Hog , " began Whizzer Worm . " Oh , no , it wasn 't all me . It was partly the Christmas Rascal , too . " " But how could it be him , " asked the bird , " when he was the one who was the cause of the whole trouble . " " Well , he was a cause of trouble until I talked to him and straightened him . After I talked to him , everything was different . " " What did you tell him ? " asked the little old man . " I told him that he didn 't understand the whole reason for Christmas in the first place . He thought it just had to do with things , but that 's all wrong . Christmas is the birthday of baby Jesus . He was no ordinary baby . He was God 's baby , the Son of God . What the Christmas Rascal never realized was that he came just for the Christmas Rascal , He didn 't come for good people , but for rascals , so that they could be saved . " Not only that , but he came so that the rest of the world could be right again . All of creation was looking and waiting for him . Nothing has ever been right since a certain , definitely evil and wicked , rascal messed things up in a garden long ago . Since that time all animals , trees , plants and creatures have looked forward to his coming . " " You mean his coming even affects a worm such as I ? " asked Whizzer . " That 's right . The coming of Jesus and his later dying on the cross completed God 's plan for man . Now the Christmas rascal doesn 't have to be a rascal anymore . " " That 's right , " confessed the Former Christmas Rascal . " From now on I 'm going to be a changed rascal , I mean man . " Posted by PART 24 , December 24 It was Christmas eve . Not a speck of snow was anywhere to be seen . The friends waited outside the lair while the Christmas Rascal was being reasoned with by Hickory Hog . Finally the door opened and out came the Christmas Rascal , unshackled , followed by Hickory . The rascal was saying , " It 's really quite simple . All you have to do is take out the body of the rocket and fire it backwards up there . That should reverse the process . " " Are you sure ? " asked Hickory . " Well , I think so . I hope so . " All the friends followed this unlikely pair back out to the rocket launching site . There everything was as they had left it a short time before . No one hindered the Christmas Rascal and he went right to work . He looked up at the sky and the moon . He saw the clouds . It was getting close to midnight . Soon it would not be Christmas eve any more . It would be Christmas day . Still the snow had not come . At last everything was done . I sent up four rockets , " explained the Christmas Rascal , " There are six left . The first four should be able to counteract the four already up there . The two left over should start the snow . " " But it 's only ten minutes to midnight , " said the little old man consulting his watch . " They 're all ready to go , " said the rascal . " Stand back , now . " He fired off the first four rockets . WHOOOSH ! WHOOOSH ! WHOOOSH ! WHOOOSH ! Then he paused a few moments . Nothing seemed to change . There was no snow yet , but somehow you could feel that it might be in the air . Then he sent up the next one WHOOOSH ! Nothing happened . Then same the final WHOOOSH ! There were five minutes left . The minutes began to come along . Four , three , two , one . There was fifteen seconds left to go when the first snowflake came down out of the sky . Then came another and then a whole horde of them . In town the church bells began to ring . Christmas had come . The five friends walked back to Hickory Hog 's shack in a curtain of snow . © 1989 Kevin Don Levellie PART 23 , December 23 " You Did What ? ! " every voice in the lair exclaimed . " I unseeded the clouds . Now it won 't snow at all . " " What do you mean ? " " Well , you know how sometimes when it doesn 't rain people will go up in the air and seed the clouds to get them to release the water in them . I put exactly the opposite in the air to unseed them . I only got to send . up four of my ten rockets , but that should be enough . There will be no snow in Potatotown this Christmas . " That statement left everyone in a quandary . What could they do ? They had the Christmas Rascal at last , but what could they do to him . Anything mean would just make them mean and thus take away more of their joy . " You mean there 's no way it will snow at all ? " " That 's right . I fixed that but good . Once the clouds are unseeded that 's that . " " Well , there 's got to be something we can do . " " Oh , I expect there is , but you couldn 't do it in time . " " What 's that ? " " You could reseed the clouds . " " But how ? " " Wouldn 't you like to know . Ha , ha , ha ! " Hickory Hog called his friends aside . " This calls for action , " he said . " I want you all to go outside and wait for me , I 'm going to persuade the Christmas Rascal to fix things . " " How are you going to do that ? " asked Whizzer Worm . " Sit on him ? " " No , I 'm going to tell him something that will make him fix everything up . Now go on outside . I 'll call you when I 'm ready . " © 1989 Kevin Don Levellie PART 22 , December 22 Everyone ran outside as fast as they could . There they saw going up into the sky a rocket . There was another explosion and then another rocket soared aloft . They were like fourth of July fireworks rockets , only no fireworks came out of them once they were up . They just disappeared into the clouds . " Over there , " shouted Hickory Hog , pointing off in the woods . At that moment another rocket fired up into the atmosphere . " We 've got to stop him ! " All the friends went as fast as they could . They were just in time to see the Christmas Rascal fire up another rocket . There on the ground beside him were six more ready to go . Faster and faster they ran , jumped and flew . Then they were on top of him . He fought long and hard until Hickory sat on him and then that was the end of the matter . The Christmas Rascal was caught . " Tie him up , " directed Hickory at last . The little old man reached into his pocket and pulled out some cord he had there . Ever since they 'd heard about the Christmas Rascal he 'd taken to carrying something on him to tie him up should such an opportunity arise . The little old man had been in the navy , and so he knew all sorts of knots that could not be untied except by an expert hand . Soon they had the Christmas Rascal all trussed up and packaged to go . " Now , let 's take him to the lair , " said Hickory . " We 'll come back for these other things later . " It took a while to drag the rascal back to his lair , but at last they had him there . Then the interrogation began . " Just where did you put all the other things you stole ? " " Oh , that 's easy . I was getting ready to make a map to mail to you of my other lair , I thought it would give you something to do on Christmas day when there was no snow to make snowballs or snowmen with . After all , you 're not going to be able to go sledding or skiing . " " And how do you know that ? " " Because I unseeded the clouds . " © 1989 Kevin Don Levellie PART 21 , December 21 " Now , here 's my plan , " began Hickory Hog . " I 'm going to come at the lair from the front . I want you to fly around back to make sure he doesn 't get out that way , little bird . Little old man , you take one side and Whizzer you take the other . We should be able to surprise him and get him that way . If you see him , shout out and we 'll all converge on him . That way we should be able to capture him . I just hope we won 't be too late to stop him from doing whatever it is he 's going to do to keep it from snowing . " Hickory had kept the map that the rascal had supplied for him , so he had excellent directions to the lair . When they got close they separated and went off in different directions ! so they would be ready to surprise him . They were all to wait for a prearranged signal and then attack the lair all at once . Hickory figured that the Christmas Rascal always went out to do his rascal business in the evening . So , if they went in just before dark they should be able to capture him . No one had ever seen him in the day , so it would probably be safe to get him then . Everyone was in place when he gave the signal . They all rushed at the lair as fast as they could . Hickory grabbed the door and flung it open . The lair was empty . There were no more things in it . It was almost as if the rascal had stopped collecting things after Hickory had returned them . Of course the newspaper said that wasn 't true . Things had still gone on , even while Hickory had been returning the first batch . They must be somewhere else . There were a few boxes in a corner , and some plans of some sort lay on a table . There were a lot of mathematical equations all over the papers which nobody could figure out . Also there were some abbreviations like ft , alt , along with strings of numbers . Back in another corner Whizzer Worm found a book on meteorology . " What 's that ? " asked the little old man . " Meteorology is not the study of meteors , as you might think . On the contrary , it is the study of weather , " answered Whizzer . " You mean like rain and Posted by PART 20 , December 20 Without even pausing to pack up a tooth brush Hickory Hog went into action . He put on a coat , for he knew it would get cold , and then dashed off in the direction of the woods . Immediately his friends went into action , also . Knowing Hickory to be a rather indolent hog they knew something was up and then wanted to get in on it . The long days of enforced inactivity had made even the frightened little bird eager to face whatever was ahead . So , they ran , slithered and flew on after Hickory Hog . It didn 't take them long to catch up with him . He spun around as they accosted him . " What are you doing ? " he snorted . " We were going to ask you that , " panted the little old man . " I 'm off to catch the Christmas Rascal . " " We want to come , " chirped the little bird . " Well . . . I don 't know . " " You might need us , " added Whizzer Worm . " Yes , Yes ! " all the rest agreed . " Well , I don 't know , " said Hickory again . " This is awfully important . We can 't just barge in . It all has to be done the right way . But you know , with the four of us we just might be able to do it . Will you follow my plan ? " They all said they would . " All right . Here it is . The Christmas Rascal has decided to keep it from snowing . That 's obviously a bigger project than just stealing potatoes or chrome . It 's going to take him some time and some quiet . He 's gotten the quiet in the past few days by not bothering anybody . The question is , where did he get it ? " That had me puzzled for a long time . Then it dawned on me . What 's the only place we wouldn 't look for him anymore ? " " Where ? " they all asked . " Where he 's already been . His lair . " © 1989 Kevin Don Levellie PART 19 , December 19 That night they had a huge dinner in honor of Hickory Hog 's at least partial success . Somehow the whole thing fell flat . It was a hollow victory , almost more in the nature of a defeat . Hadn 't the Christmas Rascal really guided him to his lair after all ? What could he do about him on his own ? Absolutely nothing . The friends sat around and discussed the matter some more . They looked at the latest edition of the Potatotown Press , but there were no clued in there as to the wherabouts of the Christmas Rascal . All they knew was that he was up to his usual activities . Two more days passed , drawing ever closer to Christmas . It was on the third day that something unusual happened , or maybe we should say it DIDN ' T happen . Hickory had just about made up his mind to forget the whole business and do the best that he could to make a nice Christmas for himself and his friends and go on from there . Morning brought the Potatotown Press to his doorstep . There on the front page was the headline : " JOY RETURNS ? " Below was the article : " Watchers of the infamous Christmas Rascal have noted a pattern of inactivity in the past48 hours . Absolutely nothing has been stolenor disturbed ? in the entire metropolitan areaof Potatotown , None of the other surroundingburgs have reported any activity either . " All of this leads this reporter to wonderif it could not be that the Christmas Rascalhas left the area . Since he began his reignof joy thievery not a day has gone by withoutat least five people 's joy being taken away . Now in the last forty - eight hours there hasbeen absolutely no activity from him at all , " Plans for special Christmas activitiesare again under way . It seems that nothingwill hold the people back . The onlyquestion lingering in the air is this : Will it snow by Christmas eve ? " Immediately Hickory was galvanized into action . This was what he had been waiting for . The Christmas Rascal was retreating to his final stand . He was going to keep his word and stop it from snowing , and Hickory knew that he would have to catch Posted by PART 18 , December 18 It took several days to deliver all the stolen things to their rightful owners . All the time Christmas was drawing closer on . All the time there was no snow in the air or on the ' ground . Could it be that the Christmas Rascal would really prevent it from snowing ? Would the children be deprived of a white Christmas ? It was with a great sense of defeat that Hickory Hog finally drug himself through the door of his shack . He was carrying the Baby Jesus for the manger scene and Whizzer Worm 's potatoes . He couldn 't bring back his own corn , for that had already been eaten , and he couldn 't do much for the frightened little bird or the little old man , for the things that had been taken from them had not been physical anyway . All his friends were glad to see him . Somehow , though , just bringing back all the things gave no one any more joy than any other people had had : at receiving back their possessions . Hickory was so tired that he crept over to his bed and went to sleep . He slept for two whole days and nights he was so exhausted . While he slept his friends took his manger scene and set it up in the yard . Nothing was disturbed from its place . This , at least , brought some measure of joy back into their lives , but it could never be complete as long as there was the threat of the Christmas Rascal coming in and spoiling everything . Maybe now that threat alone was enough to spoil their joy so that no further thefts were necessary . After the second night the friends began to worry about Hickory , so they sent Whizzer Worm in to wake him up , Whizzer at first tried yelling at him , but having just a small wormly voice he didn 't get very far that way . He tried to tickle him , but almost got smashed by one of Hickory 's hooves , so he stopped that . Finally , he whispered in Hickory 's ear , " Your corn is all gone . " Like a flash of lightening in reverse Hickory came up off his bed and shouted , " Where ! Where ? " " Nowhere at all . I just said that to get you up . We were worried about you . " " Oh , I was just tired , but I feel a Posted by PART 17 , December 17 Hickory Hog could hardly believe it . He was there in the Christmas Rascal 's lair . Here were all the things he had stolen over the last few weeks . It was then that he noticed the little cassette player . It was lying on the floor right next to the figure of the baby . Nobody had reported a missing cassette player , at least not to his knowledge . It must have been left there on purpose . He reached over and turned it on . " Well , well , " came a voice from the machine , " So you found all these things . But you haven 't found me , and you won 't , either . You wouldn 't have found these things if I hadn 't led you to them . If you look under the cassette player you 'll find a map leading back to your shack . It also shows where you can return all these things . By the time you get done with that you won 't have time to look for me . Besides , you 'll find it doesn 't make any difference anyway . " That was all . He listened for a few more moments , but there was nothing there . So , he looked for the map . There it was . He could get home now , but first he had to deliver all these things . It looked like it would take him up until New Year 's just to do that . Then what would happen to his Christmas ? The closest delivery was to Stevie Thinklebine 's with the chrome . Hickory loaded it on a wagon belonging to the little girl next door to Stevie and set off with it . He knocked on Stevie 's door . Stevie opened the door and stared in amazement , " Hey , man , " he said , " what 's all this , anyway ? Are you that Christmas Rascal ? " " No , " Hickory Hog replied humbly . " I just happened to stumble onto his hoard and have apparently been appointed to return all these things . " " Oh , well , that doesn 't matter . I don 't need that old chrome anymore , anyway . I traded that old junk heap in on a new car . " " But what am I supposed to do with the chrome ? " " Do what you want , man , I don 't need it . " " I 'll have to ask you to quit calling me man . You can clearly see I 'm a hog . " " Oh , " said Stevie , as he slammed the door shut in Hickory 's face . The story was thPosted by PART 16 , December 16 The sun started to go down . The wind whipped up and began to blow through the trees . The temperature dropped down to an alarmingly cold level . Hickory Hog was lost . He had come out on the trail of the Christmas Rascal , but hadn 't been able to catch him . He thought he 'd been on to him , but as the trail led further and further into the woods a conviction began to grow in him that he was deliberately being led on a wild goose chase . It all seemed perfectly hopeless . The wind really was getting colder . He 'd have to find some shelter pretty soon . It was just too cold to spend the whole night out of doors . What if it began to snow , or would it ? There was nothing to do but to keep on following the track he was on . Since the Christmas Rascal had laid it out for him , he was bound to be at the end of it somehow . He couldn 't just disappear . That , though , is what he seemed to have done . The track just disappeared . Beaten or unbeaten , there was absolutely no more track to follow . Now what ? It was then that off in the distance off to his right he saw a light burning . He decided he 'd better make for that . Wherever there was a light there would be someone . They could , help him out with a place to stay for the night or else some directions to safety . Closer and closer he came . It was a porch light that he saw . He came up to it and saw a note attached to the door of the small cottage . It said , " Come in . You 'll find everything you want . " Hickory opened the door . There before him was a whole array of different objects . In one corner there was a heap of old raggedy clothes . There was a pile of chrome off an old car . There was a silver setting all neatly wrapped up in a cloth so as not to scratch it . There was a pile of potatoes . In the center of the room was an object covered over with a burlap bag . He removed the bag . There before him was his missing baby Jesus from the manger scene . He had found the Christmas Rascal 's lair . © 1989 Kevin Don Levellie PART 15 , December 15The days were drawing close to Christmas . Hickory Hog had to act fast , and for a hog of his size that was going to be a little difficult . He asked all his friends to kindly stay in his shack while he was gone and keep an eye on it . There was plenty of food for them . They could eat their fill every day for a month and not begin to consume what he did in one day . If he had had to pay for his food ( he didn 't as he grew everything himself ) , the amount would have kept at least three banana republics solvent for a year , just on a week 's grocery budget . Before leaving the area he stopped off at the office of the Potatotown Press and interviewed David Potter on the likely wherabouts of the Christmas Rascal . " Oh , he 's still in the area , " said the reporter , " We just got a report last night that he had taken the clothes off old widow Fillburry 's scarecrow . Why , it was a scandal to the whole neighborhood to wake up and find a naked scarecrow in their midst . " " Well , then , where 's that ? " " It 's out east of town , actually almost to Redserville , You might go investigate and see if he left any tracks . In fact , we may be able to sort of deputize you or something and make you an assistant reporter if you come up with any valuable leads in the story . " " That doesn 't matter . I just want to find him . " It took most of the day for Hickory Hog to get out to Widow Fillburry 's cornpatch . And a fine cornpatch it was , all except for the scarecrow . Somebody had thrown an old blanket over it to cover its nakedness , and now it looked more like a Halloween ghost than a scarecrow . Hickory didn 't want to bother the widow , so he just looked around for more tracks . Sure enough there were some , but they were just a little confusing . They seemed to wander around here and there as though the person who had made them was deliberately trying to put a possible pursuer off the scent . That , of course , had been the Christmas Rascal 's intention , but it didn 't work out . Hickory had a keen eye , if he had nothing else , and he finally untangled thePosted by PART 14 , December 14 Where , indeed , was the baby Jesus ? " Why , I put him right there in the manger , " said Hickory Hog , " and he 's gone now . But how could it have happened ? My trap was foolproof . " " That 's right , " agreed the little old man , " Only a fool would have been caught in it . " " What do you mean ? " spluttered Hickory . " Now , now , " said Whizzer Worm , entering in to part the fray . " This won 't solve anything . Somehow he got in and stole the baby Jesus . " " But how can you have Christmas without the Baby Jesus ? " asked the frightened little bird . " You can 't , " said Hickory sadly . " You can 't have Christmas at all . Oh , I know a lot of people are only concerned about Santa Claus or snowmen or reindeer , but if you don 't have the baby Jesus , you don 't have Christmas at all . " " Can I quote you on that ! " asked the reporter . " You certainly can , " answered Hickory . " You see , that 's what people like the Christmas Rascal do the most damage on . They get our eyes off the one whose birthday it is , and then we become really confused . It 's no wonder it 's so easy for us to have our joy stolen if it 's only in things , I know I 'm no better than anybody else , but after all I 'm only a hog . " " But even a hog can change , " said Whizzer Worm . " That 's right , " said Hickory . I CAN change myself , but I also need to do something about that Christmas Rascal . I guess I need to do more than catch him . I need to change him . After all , a Christmas Rascal , no matter how bad he is , can change , too . We just have to get a hold of him and persuade him . " " And how are yow going to do that ? " questioned the reporter . " I 'm going to have to find him and talk to him . " " And if that doesn 't work ? " " I may just have to sit on him . " © 1989 Kevin Don Levellie PART 13 , December 13 That night not a soul in the shack slept soundly . Every ear was turned to the barn , just hoping to catch some sound of the trap being tripped . No such sound ever came . All they heard was the December wind whistling up under the eaves . It was a long night . The next morning Hickory Hog went out to the barn . The locks on the doors were still in place . Everything seemed as it ought to be . The trap was still concealed and in place . There was nothing to do but wait for the next night to see if this would smoke out that old Christmas Rascal . It was getting closer to Christmas now . There was still no snow on the ground and no sign in the sky of it to come yet . They may not get their snow very early , but some always fell no later than Christmas eve . Of course , no snow yet had nothing to do with the Christmas Rascal at all , or did it ? A knock came on the door . Hickory Hog went to open it . There before him stood an earnest young man with a camera in his hand . " David Potter , " he said , introducing himself . " Potatotown Press ! I understand you folks have been having a little bit of trouble with the infamous Christmas Rascal . " " You said it ! " agreed Whizzer Worm . " We 've been having a simply terrible time of it . He frightened the little bird over there , stole Hickory Hog 's corn , stole my potatoes and caused us to jump all over that man there . " " Oh , is that all ? " replied Mr . Potter . " Well , all up to now , " said Hickory Hog , " We have set a trap for him , but . . . " " A trap ? " Yes , but it didn 't do any good . He didn 't fall for it . " " What was it ? " " I put together a manger scene out in the barn , I knew he couldn 't resist it . Then I put wires all around so that the minute he tried to do anything at all he 'd be snared and thrown up in a sack in the hayloft . But , like I said , it didn 't do any good . " " Could we see this ? " " I guess so . " " Good ! I 'd like to take a picture of it , for when you do capture him , that is . " Hickory led the way to the barn . He opened the door . Everything was as it had been before . All of a sudden thPosted by PART 12 , December 12 " How are you going to do that ! " everyone cried . " I don 't know yet , but I 'll think of a way to unrascal that Rascal , " replied Hickory Hog . With that he roared off into his barn and set to work . All day long strange sounds came from the barn , but there was such a frenzy and singlemindedness about them that no one dared to look in and see what was going on . It just didn 't seem like the thing to do . Finally evening began to come on and the light went out in the barn and the door was locked . Hickory Hog came back to his friends for the evening . " What did you do out there ? " asked Whizzer Worm . " We sat here all day wondering about it . " Very quietly Hickory looked all over the room . He looked out the window . Nothing was there . He stoked up the fire in the fireplace . Nothing could possibly be there . He checked the walls and the floors and the ceiling . Nothing seemed to be there . You never could tell , though . The Christmas Rascal had been known to plant rascalbugs in people 's homes just to hear their plots against him . He proudly boasted that nothing could be done about him . He claimed that whatever people were thinking he knew before they even thought of it . However , being only a rascal he couldn 't be everywhere or know everything at any one time , but he liked people to think that he could . In that respect he was like certain other rascals of a definitely more malignant nature . This time there were no listening devices , but still Hickory spoke in a very quiet voice . It actually seemed strange to hear such a small sound coming out of such a large Hog , " I have done something to catch that rascal , " he said in a whisper . " What ? " whispered back the little old man . " There 's nothing the Christmas Rascal finds more irresistible than destroying people 's Christmas joy , so I built something in the barn that he 'll be bound to want to destroy . " There was a pause as Hickory checked windows again . " I built a manger scene for my front yard . I » m going to set it out tomorrow night , but some of the paint and glue has tPosted by PART 11 , December 11 Hickory Hog was so startled that he hardly knew what to do . He sat up in his bed and gasped . All the walls of the shack shuddered with his gasp . As he peered through the darkness the shadow began to take form . He still couldn 't really see the expression of the face , but he could definitely tell that it was a face . Something about the way it was cocked to one side let him know that the owner of it was none too pleased with him . Then a voice came through the glass . It was not loud or strident . It fact it almost had a hint of laughter in it . Some might even call it mischievous , " Hickory Hog , I 've been watching you and your friends . If I 'm not mistaken you 're going to have the worst Christmas ever and there 's nothing you can do about it . " That was all there was . With that the voice ceased . Hickory was paralyzed for just a moment , then he was galvanized into action . He didn 't even stop to put on a coat or open the door . He was outside of that shack before you could say , " Hickory Hog Is The Biggest Hog There Is . " Well , almost that fast . In his wake he left a whirlwind behind him . The little bird tumbled out of his teacup . He then fell into the little old man 's coat pocket . Whizzer Worm began whizzing around the room in the middle of the air and ended up wrapped all around the little old man . They were all a mess as they were rudely awakened by the cold to see the door lying some twenty yards away outside the shack . Hickory , in the meantime , had run his fastest , but it wasn 't fast enough . There was no sign of the Christmas Rascal at all . He returned to his friends . When he saw the damage he had done he picked up the door and angrily wedged it in place , at least good enough to keep out most of the wind until morning when he could fix it . " What happened ? " they all chorused . " The Christmas Rascal was HERE ! " " HERE ? " " That 's right . What 's more , he told me that would have the worst Christmas ever . But I 'm not going to let that stop me . " " What are you going to do ? " asked the little bird , crawling out oPosted by PART 10 , December 10 " Now , how could the Christmas Rascal keep it from snowing ? " The question was on everybody 's lips . " Does it say ? " asked the little bird . " Apparently he hasn 't disclosed his plan , " said Hickory Hog . " I can 't seem to find any more information about it in here . " " That would be just terrible , " said the little old man , " Just think of all the little children wanting a white Christmas . We 've never been known to be without one here in Potatotown . Why , I think even the potatoes look forward to it . " " Oh , I don 't know that it 's such a great loss , " interjected Whizzer Worm . " Lots of people have never had a white Christmas , In fact , a lot of worms I know would actually prefer it if there wasn 't one . You think it 's bad being cooped up in the house in a blizzard . Well , imagine what it 's like for all us worms . Once that blanket of snow sets in most of us are trapped for the duration . " " Well , " intoned the little old man , " I still wonder how he thinks he can get away with no snow " " I don 't know , " added Hickory . " Maybe we should all go back to my shack and plan our strategy as to what to do next . " Everyone thought that was a good idea , Whizzer Worm already had a berth picked out from the night before , and it wouldn 't bee too hard to find a place for the little bird . Hickory Hog would just take some straw and line one of his Hog - sized teacups for the bird to sleep in , and that would be all right . The little old man took some more planning . Finally they thought to get out a sleeping bag and just let him sleep on the hearthrug before the fire . It was another cold night outside . They popped some popcorn which Hickory had fetched in from the barn and had some cocoa to go with it . Despite the problem which had brought them together they all seemed to have a pretty good time . The fire slowly died down , as no one added any more logs to it . Eventually sleep overtook everyone except Hickory Hog . He was just about to drowse off when he looked out the window . The stars shone brightly in the crisp December sky . Then , all of Posted by PART 9 , December 9 " THE WHO ? " exclaimed the hog , worm and bird . " You know , " said the - little old man . " The Christmas Rascal , See it says all about him in the paper here . " He held up a copy of the POTATOTOWN PRESS which he had just pulled out of his inside coat pocket , There in the headlines were these words : CHRISTMAS RASCAL LOOSE IN THE AREA . There was a blank area under the headline filled up by a big question mark . Apparently nobody knew what he looked like , even though it was plainly evident that he had been around . Hickory Hog took the paper in his hooves and began to read , " It says here , ' Once again the Christmas Rascal has been heard from . Residents all over the area have been sending in complaints of the things he has done . It is a common mode of operation of his to take things which people prize and thus rob them of their Christmas joy » He feels that since people are so attached to their things and since he wants to upset them , the perfect way to do it is through their possessions . " ' Mrs . Prister Pontsworthy places a great deal of pride in her silver service for 73 . Every year she entertains her friends of the Potatotown Potato Peelers Club for a special Christmas Party , There are only always 73 members in the club , no more , no less . Last night the Christmas Rascal came in and took away service for one . There is not enough time to get another setting of silver for tomorrow night 's gala affair and Mrs . Pontsworthy is seriously considering , for the first time , canceling her Christmas party . She told this reporter , " I just don 't know what to do , I can 't take anyone off the list , because every one of our members always comes to all our meetings , and I can 't serve with anything else , and I can 't give someone a set that doesn 't match , I guess I 'll just have to close down for the first time in the 54 years we 've been meeting at our house . " ' " " That 's terrible , " said Whizzer Worm . " But there 's more here , " said Hickory . " ' He took all the chrome off 17 year old Stevie Thinklebine 's 1957 Chevie . It took his preaPosted by PART 8 , December 8 " MMph , MMph , MMph , " came a noise from under the pile . " It 's Him ! It 's Him ! " cried the frightened little bird from a perch high up in a tree , " Tie him up . Hold on to him , Just don 't let him get away . " There was more grunting and groaning and wriggling around in the pile beneath the little bird . Finally a panting voice wheezed out , " How can I get away with you big pile of galoots on top of me ? " " It 's the little old man , " exclaimed Hickory Hog . " You mean the mean little man ? " questioned the bird . " Positively not . That was a long time ago when both the man and myself were much too selfish for our own good , " assured Hickory , " He 's certainly not mean anymore . Though , what he 's doing here in the path of our track I don 't know . " " I 'll tell you , " gasped the little old man , " if only you 'll get up off me , especially that snake ! " " HUMPH ! ! Snake , indeed , " muttered Whizzer Worm indignantly , " I 'll have you know that I am no such thing as a snake . They are disgusting creatures , chasing after rats and mice and arrogantly sunning themselves on warm rocks , while I am on of nature 's nobles , an earthworm . Do you know that if it wasn 't for me and my kind the plants would not be able to breath and they would all die , I aereate the soil and keep it healthy . That 's a lot more than any SNAKE ever did , I can tell you that . " Listening to this speech from his friend sent Hickory into a gale of laughter . Somehow the spectacle of a worm , even one as mighty as Whizzer , sternly lecturing an old man was too much to take . If you don 't think so , just imagine the scene for yourself . Remember that a worm has absolutely no bones in his body at all . Then picture his delivering a harsh speech . Somehow his presence just doesn 't give a big wallop . " I don 't know what you 're laughing at . Hickory Hog , " sputtered the irate worm . " Doubtless you 've thought the same in your lifetime , but take it from me , we worms have absolutely nothing in common with snakes . " " All right , all right , " laughed the hog , " Now what are we going to do ? We 've lost hiPosted by PART 7 , December 7The tracks headed off towards town . The problem was , they weren 't very deep and they petered out real soon in the grass off the side of the field . If only they had had a snow they could have seen very clearly where the quarry had gotten to . Finally they decided to go back to get the little bird to help them out . It took them a little while to find him and get him out of the shack . " Let 's just go into town and see if maybe we can find out something about this , " said Hickory Hog . " I don 't know , " said the frightened little bird , " What if we meet with whatever it is . . . I mean , he was big , huge , giant . . . " " We know , we know , " said Whizzer Worm hastily , " That , however , is exactly what we want to do , meet up with him . And , then we want to take care of him . " " What 's that ? " asked Hickory . " I heard a rustling over there . " " Maybe we 'd better go over there and find out , " said the worm , as he wormed his way over for a better look at the whole situation . There were some trees off beyond the grass at the edge of the field . They screened off Potatotown from Hickory Hog 's shack . Hickory took off at a trot . He directed Whizzer Worm to one side . He went to the other while the frightened bird flew up high over the trees . For once , the higher he flew , the better he liked it . Maybe the person or thing was big enough to reach out from the trees and grab him , so he wanted to make sure he was far away from any of that . They heard a scruffling again . This time both the hog and worm heard it . " That way , " they shouted as they set off in hot pursuit . Whatever was there heard them coming and started off at a brisk pace . It had been coming towards them , but then turned to run away from whatever it was that was coming at him . Whizzer Worm was a little closer at first , but he couldn 't worm as fast as Hickory ran . For once the hog really trotted his quickest . The little bird peered down through the stratosphere , spying their prey , but quickly flew back the other way . Faster and faster the two earthbound partners sped on . Then they could Posted by PART 6 , December 6 " Wake up ! Wake up ! Wake up , Little Bird , " cried Hickory Hog . " Please wake up . " Nothing happened . Finally Hickory Hog picked up the faint little frightened bird and began to shake him , " You 'd better watch out , " warned Whizzer Worm . " You 're beginning to shake off all his feathers . " " Oh , so I am , " Hickory gently set the bird down on his bed . He was immediately lost among the covers . " Where did he go , now , " asked the distraught hog . " Let 's see , " said Whizzer , He began to worm his way around the covers . All of a sudden a little head popped up and a quavering little voice came out , " When did the earthquake finally get over ? " Whizzer hopped over to pull the covers away from where the bird was . Immediately the little bird fell over on his side . " It 's all right now , " said Hickory Hog . " You 're here with us . We 'll make sure you 're safe , Let me get you some turnip seeds . Those will perk you up in no time . " So saying , he went off to the cupboard to find the seeds . He brought them back with a little bowl of water to wash them down . Everyone waited while the little bird gained back his strength and self - confidence . " Now , what exactly was it that you saw ? " began Hickory , " There have been some awfully strange things going on around here lately . " " He was huge , I mean gigantic , I mean colossal , " sputtered the bird , " He was big , " The bird paused for a second and then went on . " Well , I don 't mean as big as you . Hickory , a … a … , well , I mean , He , a . . . , He was bigger than me , " he finished . " Who was ? " questioned Whizzer Worm . " I don 't know . But , there he was where all the potatoes had been , sort of just checking around to see if there might be any more . He saw me and started over toward me . He looked at me with the awfullest face you ever saw . He just stared at me , and he frightened me so much that I flew right to your door . " " I wonder if that isn 't the same one who was in my corn crib , " said Hickory Hog . " And he stole my potatoes , " added Whizzer Worm . " I say we ought to go out right now and see if we can nab him , Posted by PART 5 , December 5 " Who 's there ! " called out Hickory Hog and Whizzer Worn in rather frightened voices . Tap , Tap , Tap … It came again . This time Hickory Hog started to get a little angry . It was much too early for hogs to be up and about , especially with harvesting all over for the winter and planting and cultivating months away . " WHO IS THERE ! " he bellowed . " Let me in . Please let me in , " came a small voice from outside . It was a high reedy sort of voice , almost inaudible . Then there was a little sob . It wasn 't a frightening sound at all , but rather a frightened one , as if whoever was outside the door almost didn 't want anyone to really answer his call . " WHO ARE YOU ! ! " " It 's me , " came the little reply , " You know … . " " I certainly do not , " said the hog , getting up out of bed , " And when I do finally get ahold of you you 'll certainly wish I didn 't know you . " After having flung off the covers he spent rather a lengthy time trying to find his hoghoof slippers before he crossed the cold floor and flung open the door . There before him in the pale dawn stood the most pitiful , sorrowful little creature there ever was . It was the frightened little bird . Everything he knew of frightened him . Hickory had once helped him to stop being afraid to fly , but there were still many other things that made him afraid . " Why , it 's the frightened little bird , " said Hickory Hog , " Come in , come in . " He held the door open so that the bird could come in and then quickly shut it to keep out the cold . The little bird came into the house and just stood on the rug in front of the fireplace shivering and shivering . " What brings you here so early in the morning ? " asked Whizzer Worm , who was still arousing himself from his wormy sleep . " Wwwwwelllll , " shivered the little bird . " It 's a long story . It began last night , I decided to stay in Potatotown this winter , you see , instead of migrating South with all the other birds . Up until now it had been all right to stay outdoors , but it was beginning to get too cold , I thought I might come over and stay iPosted by PART 4 , December 4 " Someone has been living under there ? " cried Hickory Hog . " What do you mean ? " " I mean just what I said , " Whizzer Worm replied . " Someone has been living under here . They 've left behind them a tidy pile of corn cobs . " " Corn cobs ? Oh , No ! How many did they leave ? If they ate too much of my corn I won 't have any more . What will I do ? " " Oh , they only had about a dozen or two ears , " answered the worm . " I don 't imagine whoever it was had more than one or two at a sitting , that is one or two SINGLE ears , " he went on , rather pointedly . " You won 't be out much . " " That 's good . At least I 'll have enough for my Christmas dinner , I 'd hatenot to have enough for that , I 'm planning on having you over along with the little old man and the frightened little bird , " ( Notice how Hickory Hog called everyone he knew " little " . Next to him even some elephants might seem " little " . ) " Oh , you 'll have plenty . Don 't worry about that . I just wonder where he ' sgone to ? " " That is a good question , " said Hickory , " Maybe we ought to clean up those cobs and get back into the house where it 's nice and warm . You could spend the night if you want to . " " Well , normally I like my nice snug burrow in the earth , but maybe tonightit would be better to stay indoors . You never know . Someone who eats corn like that could have a use for worms , too , " So saying , the friends locked up the barn . That was the first time Hickory Hog had ever locked up his barn . Never before had there been any need , so the doors were always left open or shut , depending totally on whether they happened to get closed or not . This time they were closed for sure . The windows were barred , too . There was no way to get back into the barn unless someone burrowed in from the earth below , and Whizzer Worm said that the evidence didn 't seem to indicate such an entry on the prior occasion of occupancy . It was a bitterly cold night and the two friends were glad to be in Hickory ' ssnug warm house . He had added a whole pile of hog logs to his fireplace , and those kept them warm all the nigPosted by PART 3 , December 3 Hickory Hog turned his attention to the barn . It was a big barn , the color of a red russet potato , with corn yellow and green doors . In the yard before it was a turnip colored tractor . Nothing seemed to be unusual . Hickory lived some ways out of town , and once the harvest season was over he didn 't get a lot of visitors . In fact , he hadn 't had a visitor of any sort in over a week before Whizzer Worm had popped up his wormy head . " What could be in my barn ? " he asked . " I don 't know , " replied Whizzer Worm , " but if I was you I 'd check it out tosee what could be the matter . " " I guess you 're right , but I was just in there getting out my corn . " " Maybe whoever it was was quiet when you were around , " offered Whizzer . " Everybody can hear you coming for at least three miles away , and if I didn 't know who you were I 'd sure lie low myself . " " Let 's go , then , " said Hickory . Whizzer Worm got the rest of himself up out of the ground and wormed his way over to the barn door . Hickory Hog stamped over and flung open the door . Everything was silent and still inside . The December sun slanted in through the open door and you could see all sorts of flecks of dust stirred up in the light by the huge hog 's entrance , but that was all . No living thing scurried around inside the barn . Hickory went to the back of the barn , while his friend began to explore the pile of corn . There were somewhere between 40 and 50 thousand ears left . It would make a lot of places for someone to hide under , especially if he piled the corn around himself just right . While the corn pile was being investigated Hickory turned his attention to all his tools in the back . All the hoes , rakes , shovels and other implements were there where they belonged , undisturbed . Also there were all the catalogues he ordered from . True , he did save seeds from his own produce , but he liked to try out new kinds and varieties , so he needed these . There were 79 catalogues dealing with corn seeds alone , along with for potatoes , 36 for turnips and 13 devoted solely Posted by PART 2 , December 2There was a rustling and a bustling deep under the pile of corn in Hickory Hog 's barn . Something or someone was down there up to mischief , but what it was no one knew . For the time being they kept their work and existence a secret . A cold north wind began to beat against the little shack . Hickory Hog went outside and got a few more hog logs to go on his fire . He used only hog logs which were big and fat and burned for a long time . As he was outside he happened to see a little movement of earth . It formed a little mound that grew taller and taller , until finally out at the head of it popped the head of Whizzer Worm . " Well , hi there , Whizzer Worm " came the call from the huge hog , " What are you doing here ? I thought you 'd be snug and safe down in the earth in your little worm home . What brings you out on a cold day like today ? " " I don 't really know . There 's just something happening . " " I know . All the crops are in and there 's nothing more for you to eat in the ground . Pretty soon it will be too hard to go through , even for you , and then you 'll have to wait until spring . " " No , it 's not that , either . It 's just something that 's making me uneasy . I keep hearing noises . " " You mean me ? " " No , not you , " insisted the worm , " I 'd know your heavy tread anywhere . These footsteps or whatever they are are lighter than yours . And I keep hearing them in the same place . " " Oh ! Where 's that ? " " Over in your barn . " © 1989 Kevin Don Levellie PART 1 , December 1Hickory Hog , as everyone knows , lives in a shack by the side of a brook . He has a garden , and in his garden he has corn and turnips and potatoes and Brussels sprouts . Close by is the city known as Potatotown in which reside his many friends and admirers . It is not with them , however , that we are concerned at the moment , but with another party who happened into the area . It was a cold , nippy sort of morning . Of course all the harvesting was long over . All the people thereabouts had filled their barns and cupboards with all the good things God had given them that year , In fact , there were some squirrels who had made a barn out of one of the potatoes that Hickory Hog had grown , in order to store their nuts . His potatoes were large indeed . One had been made into an apartment building for homeless birds . Another had made a long river journey as a boat . Yet another had become the first airplane ( or perhaps we should say potatoplane ) to land at the Potatotown airport . One time he had ridden one to victory in a race . Of course the potato hadn 't run itself , but had been powered by Hickory Hog 's friend , Whizzer Worm , Whenever folks thought of potatoes they thought of Hickory Hog , and vice verse , too , Anyway , back to the morning . It hadn 't snowed yet , but people were expecting it to do so any day . That was one way that they knew Christmas was just around the comer , Potatotown was one of those places that always had a white Christmas . If it didn 't snow they would just open a couple of packages of Hickory Hog 's dried potato flakes and create a blizzard of their own . Once the flakes were pressed down they made real nice sledding , and of all the sledders in town none enjoyed it as much as Hickory Hog . This year , though , it seemed pretty certain there 'd be no need of that . Any day now the white flakes would come tumbling down and cover the land with a pure white blanket of snow . Hickory Hog went out to check his barn . He wanted to make sure that his supply of corn was snuggly settled in for the winter ahead . He Posted by |
Do you know how to build a Christian life ? II Peter 1 : 5 - 7 tells us how . Peter is not trying to be overwhelming , but pictures our growth in a series of qualities added one at a time , as pearls on a string , rather than growing them all at once . There is a reason behind the sequence and we would like to briefly look at each of these . Today we 're going to start with FAITH . It is dependence . It is total . It is a belief in God , not just in what God said or did , but in God Himself . Abraham believed God , and it was reckoned to him as righteousness . ( Genesis 15 : 6 ) You can have the same relationship that Abraham had and have it on the same basis . There are two kinds of faith , both of which are mentioned in Romans 1 : 17 . From Faith is objective faith , the body of faith in which we believe . To Faith is the subjective status of living out the faith in our own lives and not just looking at it in a book . The Christian life is really simple : believe in Jesus Christ and live what you believe . Make sure you do believe in Him . Then you 're ready to move on . That 's why it says that we supply ourselves from this starting point . Some scriptures to look at : Jude 3 and Habakkuk 2 : 4 PART 25 , December 25 " Merry Christmas , " said Hickory Hog to all his friends . They were all seated around his table . Spread before them were hot cups of cocoa , platters piled high with popcorn , pancakes made from potato batter , corn syrup for the top of them , turnip sauce , hash browned potatoes and fried Brussels sprouts . There was Whizzer Worm on one side of the table . Next to him was the frightened little bird . Then there was the little old man . Next to him was the Christmas Rascal . " Well , we got a white Christmas after all , thanks to you . Hickory Hog , " began Whizzer Worm . " Oh , no , it wasn 't all me . It was partly the Christmas Rascal , too . " " But how could it be him , " asked the bird , " when he was the one who was the cause of the whole trouble . " " Well , he was a cause of trouble until I talked to him and straightened him . After I talked to him , everything was different . " " What did you tell him ? " asked the little old man . " I told him that he didn 't understand the whole reason for Christmas in the first place . He thought it just had to do with things , but that 's all wrong . Christmas is the birthday of baby Jesus . He was no ordinary baby . He was God 's baby , the Son of God . What the Christmas Rascal never realized was that he came just for the Christmas Rascal , He didn 't come for good people , but for rascals , so that they could be saved . " Not only that , but he came so that the rest of the world could be right again . All of creation was looking and waiting for him . Nothing has ever been right since a certain , definitely evil and wicked , rascal messed things up in a garden long ago . Since that time all animals , trees , plants and creatures have looked forward to his coming . " " You mean his coming even affects a worm such as I ? " asked Whizzer . " That 's right . The coming of Jesus and his later dying on the cross completed God 's plan for man . Now the Christmas rascal doesn 't have to be a rascal anymore . " " That 's right , " confessed the Former Christmas Rascal . " From now on I 'm going to be a changed rascal , I mean man . " Posted by PART 24 , December 24 It was Christmas eve . Not a speck of snow was anywhere to be seen . The friends waited outside the lair while the Christmas Rascal was being reasoned with by Hickory Hog . Finally the door opened and out came the Christmas Rascal , unshackled , followed by Hickory . The rascal was saying , " It 's really quite simple . All you have to do is take out the body of the rocket and fire it backwards up there . That should reverse the process . " " Are you sure ? " asked Hickory . " Well , I think so . I hope so . " All the friends followed this unlikely pair back out to the rocket launching site . There everything was as they had left it a short time before . No one hindered the Christmas Rascal and he went right to work . He looked up at the sky and the moon . He saw the clouds . It was getting close to midnight . Soon it would not be Christmas eve any more . It would be Christmas day . Still the snow had not come . At last everything was done . I sent up four rockets , " explained the Christmas Rascal , " There are six left . The first four should be able to counteract the four already up there . The two left over should start the snow . " " But it 's only ten minutes to midnight , " said the little old man consulting his watch . " They 're all ready to go , " said the rascal . " Stand back , now . " He fired off the first four rockets . WHOOOSH ! WHOOOSH ! WHOOOSH ! WHOOOSH ! Then he paused a few moments . Nothing seemed to change . There was no snow yet , but somehow you could feel that it might be in the air . Then he sent up the next one WHOOOSH ! Nothing happened . Then same the final WHOOOSH ! There were five minutes left . The minutes began to come along . Four , three , two , one . There was fifteen seconds left to go when the first snowflake came down out of the sky . Then came another and then a whole horde of them . In town the church bells began to ring . Christmas had come . The five friends walked back to Hickory Hog 's shack in a curtain of snow . © 1989 Kevin Don Levellie PART 23 , December 23 " You Did What ? ! " every voice in the lair exclaimed . " I unseeded the clouds . Now it won 't snow at all . " " What do you mean ? " " Well , you know how sometimes when it doesn 't rain people will go up in the air and seed the clouds to get them to release the water in them . I put exactly the opposite in the air to unseed them . I only got to send . up four of my ten rockets , but that should be enough . There will be no snow in Potatotown this Christmas . " That statement left everyone in a quandary . What could they do ? They had the Christmas Rascal at last , but what could they do to him . Anything mean would just make them mean and thus take away more of their joy . " You mean there 's no way it will snow at all ? " " That 's right . I fixed that but good . Once the clouds are unseeded that 's that . " " Well , there 's got to be something we can do . " " Oh , I expect there is , but you couldn 't do it in time . " " What 's that ? " " You could reseed the clouds . " " But how ? " " Wouldn 't you like to know . Ha , ha , ha ! " Hickory Hog called his friends aside . " This calls for action , " he said . " I want you all to go outside and wait for me , I 'm going to persuade the Christmas Rascal to fix things . " " How are you going to do that ? " asked Whizzer Worm . " Sit on him ? " " No , I 'm going to tell him something that will make him fix everything up . Now go on outside . I 'll call you when I 'm ready . " © 1989 Kevin Don Levellie PART 22 , December 22 Everyone ran outside as fast as they could . There they saw going up into the sky a rocket . There was another explosion and then another rocket soared aloft . They were like fourth of July fireworks rockets , only no fireworks came out of them once they were up . They just disappeared into the clouds . " Over there , " shouted Hickory Hog , pointing off in the woods . At that moment another rocket fired up into the atmosphere . " We 've got to stop him ! " All the friends went as fast as they could . They were just in time to see the Christmas Rascal fire up another rocket . There on the ground beside him were six more ready to go . Faster and faster they ran , jumped and flew . Then they were on top of him . He fought long and hard until Hickory sat on him and then that was the end of the matter . The Christmas Rascal was caught . " Tie him up , " directed Hickory at last . The little old man reached into his pocket and pulled out some cord he had there . Ever since they 'd heard about the Christmas Rascal he 'd taken to carrying something on him to tie him up should such an opportunity arise . The little old man had been in the navy , and so he knew all sorts of knots that could not be untied except by an expert hand . Soon they had the Christmas Rascal all trussed up and packaged to go . " Now , let 's take him to the lair , " said Hickory . " We 'll come back for these other things later . " It took a while to drag the rascal back to his lair , but at last they had him there . Then the interrogation began . " Just where did you put all the other things you stole ? " " Oh , that 's easy . I was getting ready to make a map to mail to you of my other lair , I thought it would give you something to do on Christmas day when there was no snow to make snowballs or snowmen with . After all , you 're not going to be able to go sledding or skiing . " " And how do you know that ? " " Because I unseeded the clouds . " © 1989 Kevin Don Levellie PART 21 , December 21 " Now , here 's my plan , " began Hickory Hog . " I 'm going to come at the lair from the front . I want you to fly around back to make sure he doesn 't get out that way , little bird . Little old man , you take one side and Whizzer you take the other . We should be able to surprise him and get him that way . If you see him , shout out and we 'll all converge on him . That way we should be able to capture him . I just hope we won 't be too late to stop him from doing whatever it is he 's going to do to keep it from snowing . " Hickory had kept the map that the rascal had supplied for him , so he had excellent directions to the lair . When they got close they separated and went off in different directions ! so they would be ready to surprise him . They were all to wait for a prearranged signal and then attack the lair all at once . Hickory figured that the Christmas Rascal always went out to do his rascal business in the evening . So , if they went in just before dark they should be able to capture him . No one had ever seen him in the day , so it would probably be safe to get him then . Everyone was in place when he gave the signal . They all rushed at the lair as fast as they could . Hickory grabbed the door and flung it open . The lair was empty . There were no more things in it . It was almost as if the rascal had stopped collecting things after Hickory had returned them . Of course the newspaper said that wasn 't true . Things had still gone on , even while Hickory had been returning the first batch . They must be somewhere else . There were a few boxes in a corner , and some plans of some sort lay on a table . There were a lot of mathematical equations all over the papers which nobody could figure out . Also there were some abbreviations like ft , alt , along with strings of numbers . Back in another corner Whizzer Worm found a book on meteorology . " What 's that ? " asked the little old man . " Meteorology is not the study of meteors , as you might think . On the contrary , it is the study of weather , " answered Whizzer . " You mean like rain and Posted by PART 20 , December 20 Without even pausing to pack up a tooth brush Hickory Hog went into action . He put on a coat , for he knew it would get cold , and then dashed off in the direction of the woods . Immediately his friends went into action , also . Knowing Hickory to be a rather indolent hog they knew something was up and then wanted to get in on it . The long days of enforced inactivity had made even the frightened little bird eager to face whatever was ahead . So , they ran , slithered and flew on after Hickory Hog . It didn 't take them long to catch up with him . He spun around as they accosted him . " What are you doing ? " he snorted . " We were going to ask you that , " panted the little old man . " I 'm off to catch the Christmas Rascal . " " We want to come , " chirped the little bird . " Well . . . I don 't know . " " You might need us , " added Whizzer Worm . " Yes , Yes ! " all the rest agreed . " Well , I don 't know , " said Hickory again . " This is awfully important . We can 't just barge in . It all has to be done the right way . But you know , with the four of us we just might be able to do it . Will you follow my plan ? " They all said they would . " All right . Here it is . The Christmas Rascal has decided to keep it from snowing . That 's obviously a bigger project than just stealing potatoes or chrome . It 's going to take him some time and some quiet . He 's gotten the quiet in the past few days by not bothering anybody . The question is , where did he get it ? " That had me puzzled for a long time . Then it dawned on me . What 's the only place we wouldn 't look for him anymore ? " " Where ? " they all asked . " Where he 's already been . His lair . " © 1989 Kevin Don Levellie PART 19 , December 19 That night they had a huge dinner in honor of Hickory Hog 's at least partial success . Somehow the whole thing fell flat . It was a hollow victory , almost more in the nature of a defeat . Hadn 't the Christmas Rascal really guided him to his lair after all ? What could he do about him on his own ? Absolutely nothing . The friends sat around and discussed the matter some more . They looked at the latest edition of the Potatotown Press , but there were no clued in there as to the wherabouts of the Christmas Rascal . All they knew was that he was up to his usual activities . Two more days passed , drawing ever closer to Christmas . It was on the third day that something unusual happened , or maybe we should say it DIDN ' T happen . Hickory had just about made up his mind to forget the whole business and do the best that he could to make a nice Christmas for himself and his friends and go on from there . Morning brought the Potatotown Press to his doorstep . There on the front page was the headline : " JOY RETURNS ? " Below was the article : " Watchers of the infamous Christmas Rascal have noted a pattern of inactivity in the past48 hours . Absolutely nothing has been stolenor disturbed ? in the entire metropolitan areaof Potatotown , None of the other surroundingburgs have reported any activity either . " All of this leads this reporter to wonderif it could not be that the Christmas Rascalhas left the area . Since he began his reignof joy thievery not a day has gone by withoutat least five people 's joy being taken away . Now in the last forty - eight hours there hasbeen absolutely no activity from him at all , " Plans for special Christmas activitiesare again under way . It seems that nothingwill hold the people back . The onlyquestion lingering in the air is this : Will it snow by Christmas eve ? " Immediately Hickory was galvanized into action . This was what he had been waiting for . The Christmas Rascal was retreating to his final stand . He was going to keep his word and stop it from snowing , and Hickory knew that he would have to catch Posted by PART 18 , December 18 It took several days to deliver all the stolen things to their rightful owners . All the time Christmas was drawing closer on . All the time there was no snow in the air or on the ' ground . Could it be that the Christmas Rascal would really prevent it from snowing ? Would the children be deprived of a white Christmas ? It was with a great sense of defeat that Hickory Hog finally drug himself through the door of his shack . He was carrying the Baby Jesus for the manger scene and Whizzer Worm 's potatoes . He couldn 't bring back his own corn , for that had already been eaten , and he couldn 't do much for the frightened little bird or the little old man , for the things that had been taken from them had not been physical anyway . All his friends were glad to see him . Somehow , though , just bringing back all the things gave no one any more joy than any other people had had : at receiving back their possessions . Hickory was so tired that he crept over to his bed and went to sleep . He slept for two whole days and nights he was so exhausted . While he slept his friends took his manger scene and set it up in the yard . Nothing was disturbed from its place . This , at least , brought some measure of joy back into their lives , but it could never be complete as long as there was the threat of the Christmas Rascal coming in and spoiling everything . Maybe now that threat alone was enough to spoil their joy so that no further thefts were necessary . After the second night the friends began to worry about Hickory , so they sent Whizzer Worm in to wake him up , Whizzer at first tried yelling at him , but having just a small wormly voice he didn 't get very far that way . He tried to tickle him , but almost got smashed by one of Hickory 's hooves , so he stopped that . Finally , he whispered in Hickory 's ear , " Your corn is all gone . " Like a flash of lightening in reverse Hickory came up off his bed and shouted , " Where ! Where ? " " Nowhere at all . I just said that to get you up . We were worried about you . " " Oh , I was just tired , but I feel a Posted by PART 17 , December 17 Hickory Hog could hardly believe it . He was there in the Christmas Rascal 's lair . Here were all the things he had stolen over the last few weeks . It was then that he noticed the little cassette player . It was lying on the floor right next to the figure of the baby . Nobody had reported a missing cassette player , at least not to his knowledge . It must have been left there on purpose . He reached over and turned it on . " Well , well , " came a voice from the machine , " So you found all these things . But you haven 't found me , and you won 't , either . You wouldn 't have found these things if I hadn 't led you to them . If you look under the cassette player you 'll find a map leading back to your shack . It also shows where you can return all these things . By the time you get done with that you won 't have time to look for me . Besides , you 'll find it doesn 't make any difference anyway . " That was all . He listened for a few more moments , but there was nothing there . So , he looked for the map . There it was . He could get home now , but first he had to deliver all these things . It looked like it would take him up until New Year 's just to do that . Then what would happen to his Christmas ? The closest delivery was to Stevie Thinklebine 's with the chrome . Hickory loaded it on a wagon belonging to the little girl next door to Stevie and set off with it . He knocked on Stevie 's door . Stevie opened the door and stared in amazement , " Hey , man , " he said , " what 's all this , anyway ? Are you that Christmas Rascal ? " " No , " Hickory Hog replied humbly . " I just happened to stumble onto his hoard and have apparently been appointed to return all these things . " " Oh , well , that doesn 't matter . I don 't need that old chrome anymore , anyway . I traded that old junk heap in on a new car . " " But what am I supposed to do with the chrome ? " " Do what you want , man , I don 't need it . " " I 'll have to ask you to quit calling me man . You can clearly see I 'm a hog . " " Oh , " said Stevie , as he slammed the door shut in Hickory 's face . The story was thPosted by PART 16 , December 16 The sun started to go down . The wind whipped up and began to blow through the trees . The temperature dropped down to an alarmingly cold level . Hickory Hog was lost . He had come out on the trail of the Christmas Rascal , but hadn 't been able to catch him . He thought he 'd been on to him , but as the trail led further and further into the woods a conviction began to grow in him that he was deliberately being led on a wild goose chase . It all seemed perfectly hopeless . The wind really was getting colder . He 'd have to find some shelter pretty soon . It was just too cold to spend the whole night out of doors . What if it began to snow , or would it ? There was nothing to do but to keep on following the track he was on . Since the Christmas Rascal had laid it out for him , he was bound to be at the end of it somehow . He couldn 't just disappear . That , though , is what he seemed to have done . The track just disappeared . Beaten or unbeaten , there was absolutely no more track to follow . Now what ? It was then that off in the distance off to his right he saw a light burning . He decided he 'd better make for that . Wherever there was a light there would be someone . They could , help him out with a place to stay for the night or else some directions to safety . Closer and closer he came . It was a porch light that he saw . He came up to it and saw a note attached to the door of the small cottage . It said , " Come in . You 'll find everything you want . " Hickory opened the door . There before him was a whole array of different objects . In one corner there was a heap of old raggedy clothes . There was a pile of chrome off an old car . There was a silver setting all neatly wrapped up in a cloth so as not to scratch it . There was a pile of potatoes . In the center of the room was an object covered over with a burlap bag . He removed the bag . There before him was his missing baby Jesus from the manger scene . He had found the Christmas Rascal 's lair . © 1989 Kevin Don Levellie PART 15 , December 15The days were drawing close to Christmas . Hickory Hog had to act fast , and for a hog of his size that was going to be a little difficult . He asked all his friends to kindly stay in his shack while he was gone and keep an eye on it . There was plenty of food for them . They could eat their fill every day for a month and not begin to consume what he did in one day . If he had had to pay for his food ( he didn 't as he grew everything himself ) , the amount would have kept at least three banana republics solvent for a year , just on a week 's grocery budget . Before leaving the area he stopped off at the office of the Potatotown Press and interviewed David Potter on the likely wherabouts of the Christmas Rascal . " Oh , he 's still in the area , " said the reporter , " We just got a report last night that he had taken the clothes off old widow Fillburry 's scarecrow . Why , it was a scandal to the whole neighborhood to wake up and find a naked scarecrow in their midst . " " Well , then , where 's that ? " " It 's out east of town , actually almost to Redserville , You might go investigate and see if he left any tracks . In fact , we may be able to sort of deputize you or something and make you an assistant reporter if you come up with any valuable leads in the story . " " That doesn 't matter . I just want to find him . " It took most of the day for Hickory Hog to get out to Widow Fillburry 's cornpatch . And a fine cornpatch it was , all except for the scarecrow . Somebody had thrown an old blanket over it to cover its nakedness , and now it looked more like a Halloween ghost than a scarecrow . Hickory didn 't want to bother the widow , so he just looked around for more tracks . Sure enough there were some , but they were just a little confusing . They seemed to wander around here and there as though the person who had made them was deliberately trying to put a possible pursuer off the scent . That , of course , had been the Christmas Rascal 's intention , but it didn 't work out . Hickory had a keen eye , if he had nothing else , and he finally untangled thePosted by PART 14 , December 14 Where , indeed , was the baby Jesus ? " Why , I put him right there in the manger , " said Hickory Hog , " and he 's gone now . But how could it have happened ? My trap was foolproof . " " That 's right , " agreed the little old man , " Only a fool would have been caught in it . " " What do you mean ? " spluttered Hickory . " Now , now , " said Whizzer Worm , entering in to part the fray . " This won 't solve anything . Somehow he got in and stole the baby Jesus . " " But how can you have Christmas without the Baby Jesus ? " asked the frightened little bird . " You can 't , " said Hickory sadly . " You can 't have Christmas at all . Oh , I know a lot of people are only concerned about Santa Claus or snowmen or reindeer , but if you don 't have the baby Jesus , you don 't have Christmas at all . " " Can I quote you on that ! " asked the reporter . " You certainly can , " answered Hickory . " You see , that 's what people like the Christmas Rascal do the most damage on . They get our eyes off the one whose birthday it is , and then we become really confused . It 's no wonder it 's so easy for us to have our joy stolen if it 's only in things , I know I 'm no better than anybody else , but after all I 'm only a hog . " " But even a hog can change , " said Whizzer Worm . " That 's right , " said Hickory . I CAN change myself , but I also need to do something about that Christmas Rascal . I guess I need to do more than catch him . I need to change him . After all , a Christmas Rascal , no matter how bad he is , can change , too . We just have to get a hold of him and persuade him . " " And how are yow going to do that ? " questioned the reporter . " I 'm going to have to find him and talk to him . " " And if that doesn 't work ? " " I may just have to sit on him . " © 1989 Kevin Don Levellie PART 13 , December 13 That night not a soul in the shack slept soundly . Every ear was turned to the barn , just hoping to catch some sound of the trap being tripped . No such sound ever came . All they heard was the December wind whistling up under the eaves . It was a long night . The next morning Hickory Hog went out to the barn . The locks on the doors were still in place . Everything seemed as it ought to be . The trap was still concealed and in place . There was nothing to do but wait for the next night to see if this would smoke out that old Christmas Rascal . It was getting closer to Christmas now . There was still no snow on the ground and no sign in the sky of it to come yet . They may not get their snow very early , but some always fell no later than Christmas eve . Of course , no snow yet had nothing to do with the Christmas Rascal at all , or did it ? A knock came on the door . Hickory Hog went to open it . There before him stood an earnest young man with a camera in his hand . " David Potter , " he said , introducing himself . " Potatotown Press ! I understand you folks have been having a little bit of trouble with the infamous Christmas Rascal . " " You said it ! " agreed Whizzer Worm . " We 've been having a simply terrible time of it . He frightened the little bird over there , stole Hickory Hog 's corn , stole my potatoes and caused us to jump all over that man there . " " Oh , is that all ? " replied Mr . Potter . " Well , all up to now , " said Hickory Hog , " We have set a trap for him , but . . . " " A trap ? " Yes , but it didn 't do any good . He didn 't fall for it . " " What was it ? " " I put together a manger scene out in the barn , I knew he couldn 't resist it . Then I put wires all around so that the minute he tried to do anything at all he 'd be snared and thrown up in a sack in the hayloft . But , like I said , it didn 't do any good . " " Could we see this ? " " I guess so . " " Good ! I 'd like to take a picture of it , for when you do capture him , that is . " Hickory led the way to the barn . He opened the door . Everything was as it had been before . All of a sudden thPosted by PART 12 , December 12 " How are you going to do that ! " everyone cried . " I don 't know yet , but I 'll think of a way to unrascal that Rascal , " replied Hickory Hog . With that he roared off into his barn and set to work . All day long strange sounds came from the barn , but there was such a frenzy and singlemindedness about them that no one dared to look in and see what was going on . It just didn 't seem like the thing to do . Finally evening began to come on and the light went out in the barn and the door was locked . Hickory Hog came back to his friends for the evening . " What did you do out there ? " asked Whizzer Worm . " We sat here all day wondering about it . " Very quietly Hickory looked all over the room . He looked out the window . Nothing was there . He stoked up the fire in the fireplace . Nothing could possibly be there . He checked the walls and the floors and the ceiling . Nothing seemed to be there . You never could tell , though . The Christmas Rascal had been known to plant rascalbugs in people 's homes just to hear their plots against him . He proudly boasted that nothing could be done about him . He claimed that whatever people were thinking he knew before they even thought of it . However , being only a rascal he couldn 't be everywhere or know everything at any one time , but he liked people to think that he could . In that respect he was like certain other rascals of a definitely more malignant nature . This time there were no listening devices , but still Hickory spoke in a very quiet voice . It actually seemed strange to hear such a small sound coming out of such a large Hog , " I have done something to catch that rascal , " he said in a whisper . " What ? " whispered back the little old man . " There 's nothing the Christmas Rascal finds more irresistible than destroying people 's Christmas joy , so I built something in the barn that he 'll be bound to want to destroy . " There was a pause as Hickory checked windows again . " I built a manger scene for my front yard . I » m going to set it out tomorrow night , but some of the paint and glue has tPosted by PART 11 , December 11 Hickory Hog was so startled that he hardly knew what to do . He sat up in his bed and gasped . All the walls of the shack shuddered with his gasp . As he peered through the darkness the shadow began to take form . He still couldn 't really see the expression of the face , but he could definitely tell that it was a face . Something about the way it was cocked to one side let him know that the owner of it was none too pleased with him . Then a voice came through the glass . It was not loud or strident . It fact it almost had a hint of laughter in it . Some might even call it mischievous , " Hickory Hog , I 've been watching you and your friends . If I 'm not mistaken you 're going to have the worst Christmas ever and there 's nothing you can do about it . " That was all there was . With that the voice ceased . Hickory was paralyzed for just a moment , then he was galvanized into action . He didn 't even stop to put on a coat or open the door . He was outside of that shack before you could say , " Hickory Hog Is The Biggest Hog There Is . " Well , almost that fast . In his wake he left a whirlwind behind him . The little bird tumbled out of his teacup . He then fell into the little old man 's coat pocket . Whizzer Worm began whizzing around the room in the middle of the air and ended up wrapped all around the little old man . They were all a mess as they were rudely awakened by the cold to see the door lying some twenty yards away outside the shack . Hickory , in the meantime , had run his fastest , but it wasn 't fast enough . There was no sign of the Christmas Rascal at all . He returned to his friends . When he saw the damage he had done he picked up the door and angrily wedged it in place , at least good enough to keep out most of the wind until morning when he could fix it . " What happened ? " they all chorused . " The Christmas Rascal was HERE ! " " HERE ? " " That 's right . What 's more , he told me that would have the worst Christmas ever . But I 'm not going to let that stop me . " " What are you going to do ? " asked the little bird , crawling out oPosted by PART 10 , December 10 " Now , how could the Christmas Rascal keep it from snowing ? " The question was on everybody 's lips . " Does it say ? " asked the little bird . " Apparently he hasn 't disclosed his plan , " said Hickory Hog . " I can 't seem to find any more information about it in here . " " That would be just terrible , " said the little old man , " Just think of all the little children wanting a white Christmas . We 've never been known to be without one here in Potatotown . Why , I think even the potatoes look forward to it . " " Oh , I don 't know that it 's such a great loss , " interjected Whizzer Worm . " Lots of people have never had a white Christmas , In fact , a lot of worms I know would actually prefer it if there wasn 't one . You think it 's bad being cooped up in the house in a blizzard . Well , imagine what it 's like for all us worms . Once that blanket of snow sets in most of us are trapped for the duration . " " Well , " intoned the little old man , " I still wonder how he thinks he can get away with no snow " " I don 't know , " added Hickory . " Maybe we should all go back to my shack and plan our strategy as to what to do next . " Everyone thought that was a good idea , Whizzer Worm already had a berth picked out from the night before , and it wouldn 't bee too hard to find a place for the little bird . Hickory Hog would just take some straw and line one of his Hog - sized teacups for the bird to sleep in , and that would be all right . The little old man took some more planning . Finally they thought to get out a sleeping bag and just let him sleep on the hearthrug before the fire . It was another cold night outside . They popped some popcorn which Hickory had fetched in from the barn and had some cocoa to go with it . Despite the problem which had brought them together they all seemed to have a pretty good time . The fire slowly died down , as no one added any more logs to it . Eventually sleep overtook everyone except Hickory Hog . He was just about to drowse off when he looked out the window . The stars shone brightly in the crisp December sky . Then , all of Posted by PART 9 , December 9 " THE WHO ? " exclaimed the hog , worm and bird . " You know , " said the - little old man . " The Christmas Rascal , See it says all about him in the paper here . " He held up a copy of the POTATOTOWN PRESS which he had just pulled out of his inside coat pocket , There in the headlines were these words : CHRISTMAS RASCAL LOOSE IN THE AREA . There was a blank area under the headline filled up by a big question mark . Apparently nobody knew what he looked like , even though it was plainly evident that he had been around . Hickory Hog took the paper in his hooves and began to read , " It says here , ' Once again the Christmas Rascal has been heard from . Residents all over the area have been sending in complaints of the things he has done . It is a common mode of operation of his to take things which people prize and thus rob them of their Christmas joy » He feels that since people are so attached to their things and since he wants to upset them , the perfect way to do it is through their possessions . " ' Mrs . Prister Pontsworthy places a great deal of pride in her silver service for 73 . Every year she entertains her friends of the Potatotown Potato Peelers Club for a special Christmas Party , There are only always 73 members in the club , no more , no less . Last night the Christmas Rascal came in and took away service for one . There is not enough time to get another setting of silver for tomorrow night 's gala affair and Mrs . Pontsworthy is seriously considering , for the first time , canceling her Christmas party . She told this reporter , " I just don 't know what to do , I can 't take anyone off the list , because every one of our members always comes to all our meetings , and I can 't serve with anything else , and I can 't give someone a set that doesn 't match , I guess I 'll just have to close down for the first time in the 54 years we 've been meeting at our house . " ' " " That 's terrible , " said Whizzer Worm . " But there 's more here , " said Hickory . " ' He took all the chrome off 17 year old Stevie Thinklebine 's 1957 Chevie . It took his preaPosted by PART 8 , December 8 " MMph , MMph , MMph , " came a noise from under the pile . " It 's Him ! It 's Him ! " cried the frightened little bird from a perch high up in a tree , " Tie him up . Hold on to him , Just don 't let him get away . " There was more grunting and groaning and wriggling around in the pile beneath the little bird . Finally a panting voice wheezed out , " How can I get away with you big pile of galoots on top of me ? " " It 's the little old man , " exclaimed Hickory Hog . " You mean the mean little man ? " questioned the bird . " Positively not . That was a long time ago when both the man and myself were much too selfish for our own good , " assured Hickory , " He 's certainly not mean anymore . Though , what he 's doing here in the path of our track I don 't know . " " I 'll tell you , " gasped the little old man , " if only you 'll get up off me , especially that snake ! " " HUMPH ! ! Snake , indeed , " muttered Whizzer Worm indignantly , " I 'll have you know that I am no such thing as a snake . They are disgusting creatures , chasing after rats and mice and arrogantly sunning themselves on warm rocks , while I am on of nature 's nobles , an earthworm . Do you know that if it wasn 't for me and my kind the plants would not be able to breath and they would all die , I aereate the soil and keep it healthy . That 's a lot more than any SNAKE ever did , I can tell you that . " Listening to this speech from his friend sent Hickory into a gale of laughter . Somehow the spectacle of a worm , even one as mighty as Whizzer , sternly lecturing an old man was too much to take . If you don 't think so , just imagine the scene for yourself . Remember that a worm has absolutely no bones in his body at all . Then picture his delivering a harsh speech . Somehow his presence just doesn 't give a big wallop . " I don 't know what you 're laughing at . Hickory Hog , " sputtered the irate worm . " Doubtless you 've thought the same in your lifetime , but take it from me , we worms have absolutely nothing in common with snakes . " " All right , all right , " laughed the hog , " Now what are we going to do ? We 've lost hiPosted by PART 7 , December 7The tracks headed off towards town . The problem was , they weren 't very deep and they petered out real soon in the grass off the side of the field . If only they had had a snow they could have seen very clearly where the quarry had gotten to . Finally they decided to go back to get the little bird to help them out . It took them a little while to find him and get him out of the shack . " Let 's just go into town and see if maybe we can find out something about this , " said Hickory Hog . " I don 't know , " said the frightened little bird , " What if we meet with whatever it is . . . I mean , he was big , huge , giant . . . " " We know , we know , " said Whizzer Worm hastily , " That , however , is exactly what we want to do , meet up with him . And , then we want to take care of him . " " What 's that ? " asked Hickory . " I heard a rustling over there . " " Maybe we 'd better go over there and find out , " said the worm , as he wormed his way over for a better look at the whole situation . There were some trees off beyond the grass at the edge of the field . They screened off Potatotown from Hickory Hog 's shack . Hickory took off at a trot . He directed Whizzer Worm to one side . He went to the other while the frightened bird flew up high over the trees . For once , the higher he flew , the better he liked it . Maybe the person or thing was big enough to reach out from the trees and grab him , so he wanted to make sure he was far away from any of that . They heard a scruffling again . This time both the hog and worm heard it . " That way , " they shouted as they set off in hot pursuit . Whatever was there heard them coming and started off at a brisk pace . It had been coming towards them , but then turned to run away from whatever it was that was coming at him . Whizzer Worm was a little closer at first , but he couldn 't worm as fast as Hickory ran . For once the hog really trotted his quickest . The little bird peered down through the stratosphere , spying their prey , but quickly flew back the other way . Faster and faster the two earthbound partners sped on . Then they could Posted by PART 6 , December 6 " Wake up ! Wake up ! Wake up , Little Bird , " cried Hickory Hog . " Please wake up . " Nothing happened . Finally Hickory Hog picked up the faint little frightened bird and began to shake him , " You 'd better watch out , " warned Whizzer Worm . " You 're beginning to shake off all his feathers . " " Oh , so I am , " Hickory gently set the bird down on his bed . He was immediately lost among the covers . " Where did he go , now , " asked the distraught hog . " Let 's see , " said Whizzer , He began to worm his way around the covers . All of a sudden a little head popped up and a quavering little voice came out , " When did the earthquake finally get over ? " Whizzer hopped over to pull the covers away from where the bird was . Immediately the little bird fell over on his side . " It 's all right now , " said Hickory Hog . " You 're here with us . We 'll make sure you 're safe , Let me get you some turnip seeds . Those will perk you up in no time . " So saying , he went off to the cupboard to find the seeds . He brought them back with a little bowl of water to wash them down . Everyone waited while the little bird gained back his strength and self - confidence . " Now , what exactly was it that you saw ? " began Hickory , " There have been some awfully strange things going on around here lately . " " He was huge , I mean gigantic , I mean colossal , " sputtered the bird , " He was big , " The bird paused for a second and then went on . " Well , I don 't mean as big as you . Hickory , a … a … , well , I mean , He , a . . . , He was bigger than me , " he finished . " Who was ? " questioned Whizzer Worm . " I don 't know . But , there he was where all the potatoes had been , sort of just checking around to see if there might be any more . He saw me and started over toward me . He looked at me with the awfullest face you ever saw . He just stared at me , and he frightened me so much that I flew right to your door . " " I wonder if that isn 't the same one who was in my corn crib , " said Hickory Hog . " And he stole my potatoes , " added Whizzer Worm . " I say we ought to go out right now and see if we can nab him , Posted by PART 5 , December 5 " Who 's there ! " called out Hickory Hog and Whizzer Worn in rather frightened voices . Tap , Tap , Tap … It came again . This time Hickory Hog started to get a little angry . It was much too early for hogs to be up and about , especially with harvesting all over for the winter and planting and cultivating months away . " WHO IS THERE ! " he bellowed . " Let me in . Please let me in , " came a small voice from outside . It was a high reedy sort of voice , almost inaudible . Then there was a little sob . It wasn 't a frightening sound at all , but rather a frightened one , as if whoever was outside the door almost didn 't want anyone to really answer his call . " WHO ARE YOU ! ! " " It 's me , " came the little reply , " You know … . " " I certainly do not , " said the hog , getting up out of bed , " And when I do finally get ahold of you you 'll certainly wish I didn 't know you . " After having flung off the covers he spent rather a lengthy time trying to find his hoghoof slippers before he crossed the cold floor and flung open the door . There before him in the pale dawn stood the most pitiful , sorrowful little creature there ever was . It was the frightened little bird . Everything he knew of frightened him . Hickory had once helped him to stop being afraid to fly , but there were still many other things that made him afraid . " Why , it 's the frightened little bird , " said Hickory Hog , " Come in , come in . " He held the door open so that the bird could come in and then quickly shut it to keep out the cold . The little bird came into the house and just stood on the rug in front of the fireplace shivering and shivering . " What brings you here so early in the morning ? " asked Whizzer Worm , who was still arousing himself from his wormy sleep . " Wwwwwelllll , " shivered the little bird . " It 's a long story . It began last night , I decided to stay in Potatotown this winter , you see , instead of migrating South with all the other birds . Up until now it had been all right to stay outdoors , but it was beginning to get too cold , I thought I might come over and stay iPosted by PART 4 , December 4 " Someone has been living under there ? " cried Hickory Hog . " What do you mean ? " " I mean just what I said , " Whizzer Worm replied . " Someone has been living under here . They 've left behind them a tidy pile of corn cobs . " " Corn cobs ? Oh , No ! How many did they leave ? If they ate too much of my corn I won 't have any more . What will I do ? " " Oh , they only had about a dozen or two ears , " answered the worm . " I don 't imagine whoever it was had more than one or two at a sitting , that is one or two SINGLE ears , " he went on , rather pointedly . " You won 't be out much . " " That 's good . At least I 'll have enough for my Christmas dinner , I 'd hatenot to have enough for that , I 'm planning on having you over along with the little old man and the frightened little bird , " ( Notice how Hickory Hog called everyone he knew " little " . Next to him even some elephants might seem " little " . ) " Oh , you 'll have plenty . Don 't worry about that . I just wonder where he ' sgone to ? " " That is a good question , " said Hickory , " Maybe we ought to clean up those cobs and get back into the house where it 's nice and warm . You could spend the night if you want to . " " Well , normally I like my nice snug burrow in the earth , but maybe tonightit would be better to stay indoors . You never know . Someone who eats corn like that could have a use for worms , too , " So saying , the friends locked up the barn . That was the first time Hickory Hog had ever locked up his barn . Never before had there been any need , so the doors were always left open or shut , depending totally on whether they happened to get closed or not . This time they were closed for sure . The windows were barred , too . There was no way to get back into the barn unless someone burrowed in from the earth below , and Whizzer Worm said that the evidence didn 't seem to indicate such an entry on the prior occasion of occupancy . It was a bitterly cold night and the two friends were glad to be in Hickory ' ssnug warm house . He had added a whole pile of hog logs to his fireplace , and those kept them warm all the nigPosted by PART 3 , December 3 Hickory Hog turned his attention to the barn . It was a big barn , the color of a red russet potato , with corn yellow and green doors . In the yard before it was a turnip colored tractor . Nothing seemed to be unusual . Hickory lived some ways out of town , and once the harvest season was over he didn 't get a lot of visitors . In fact , he hadn 't had a visitor of any sort in over a week before Whizzer Worm had popped up his wormy head . " What could be in my barn ? " he asked . " I don 't know , " replied Whizzer Worm , " but if I was you I 'd check it out tosee what could be the matter . " " I guess you 're right , but I was just in there getting out my corn . " " Maybe whoever it was was quiet when you were around , " offered Whizzer . " Everybody can hear you coming for at least three miles away , and if I didn 't know who you were I 'd sure lie low myself . " " Let 's go , then , " said Hickory . Whizzer Worm got the rest of himself up out of the ground and wormed his way over to the barn door . Hickory Hog stamped over and flung open the door . Everything was silent and still inside . The December sun slanted in through the open door and you could see all sorts of flecks of dust stirred up in the light by the huge hog 's entrance , but that was all . No living thing scurried around inside the barn . Hickory went to the back of the barn , while his friend began to explore the pile of corn . There were somewhere between 40 and 50 thousand ears left . It would make a lot of places for someone to hide under , especially if he piled the corn around himself just right . While the corn pile was being investigated Hickory turned his attention to all his tools in the back . All the hoes , rakes , shovels and other implements were there where they belonged , undisturbed . Also there were all the catalogues he ordered from . True , he did save seeds from his own produce , but he liked to try out new kinds and varieties , so he needed these . There were 79 catalogues dealing with corn seeds alone , along with for potatoes , 36 for turnips and 13 devoted solely Posted by PART 2 , December 2There was a rustling and a bustling deep under the pile of corn in Hickory Hog 's barn . Something or someone was down there up to mischief , but what it was no one knew . For the time being they kept their work and existence a secret . A cold north wind began to beat against the little shack . Hickory Hog went outside and got a few more hog logs to go on his fire . He used only hog logs which were big and fat and burned for a long time . As he was outside he happened to see a little movement of earth . It formed a little mound that grew taller and taller , until finally out at the head of it popped the head of Whizzer Worm . " Well , hi there , Whizzer Worm " came the call from the huge hog , " What are you doing here ? I thought you 'd be snug and safe down in the earth in your little worm home . What brings you out on a cold day like today ? " " I don 't really know . There 's just something happening . " " I know . All the crops are in and there 's nothing more for you to eat in the ground . Pretty soon it will be too hard to go through , even for you , and then you 'll have to wait until spring . " " No , it 's not that , either . It 's just something that 's making me uneasy . I keep hearing noises . " " You mean me ? " " No , not you , " insisted the worm , " I 'd know your heavy tread anywhere . These footsteps or whatever they are are lighter than yours . And I keep hearing them in the same place . " " Oh ! Where 's that ? " " Over in your barn . " © 1989 Kevin Don Levellie PART 1 , December 1Hickory Hog , as everyone knows , lives in a shack by the side of a brook . He has a garden , and in his garden he has corn and turnips and potatoes and Brussels sprouts . Close by is the city known as Potatotown in which reside his many friends and admirers . It is not with them , however , that we are concerned at the moment , but with another party who happened into the area . It was a cold , nippy sort of morning . Of course all the harvesting was long over . All the people thereabouts had filled their barns and cupboards with all the good things God had given them that year , In fact , there were some squirrels who had made a barn out of one of the potatoes that Hickory Hog had grown , in order to store their nuts . His potatoes were large indeed . One had been made into an apartment building for homeless birds . Another had made a long river journey as a boat . Yet another had become the first airplane ( or perhaps we should say potatoplane ) to land at the Potatotown airport . One time he had ridden one to victory in a race . Of course the potato hadn 't run itself , but had been powered by Hickory Hog 's friend , Whizzer Worm , Whenever folks thought of potatoes they thought of Hickory Hog , and vice verse , too , Anyway , back to the morning . It hadn 't snowed yet , but people were expecting it to do so any day . That was one way that they knew Christmas was just around the comer , Potatotown was one of those places that always had a white Christmas . If it didn 't snow they would just open a couple of packages of Hickory Hog 's dried potato flakes and create a blizzard of their own . Once the flakes were pressed down they made real nice sledding , and of all the sledders in town none enjoyed it as much as Hickory Hog . This year , though , it seemed pretty certain there 'd be no need of that . Any day now the white flakes would come tumbling down and cover the land with a pure white blanket of snow . Hickory Hog went out to check his barn . He wanted to make sure that his supply of corn was snuggly settled in for the winter ahead . He Posted by |
Its been a month or so since mother 's death . I don 't remember anymore the date , I probably wrote it down here somewhere when it happened . Not a single tear have I shed over it . Not a party either , the day went by like any other day . If I had to pick up milk , I picked up milk , if it was quilting day , I would have went to the group . If it was time to do the laundry , I did the laundry . I don 't remember . It was just another day . I 'm wondering if my behaviour has appeared like I 'm cold to the people on the outside here . They brought it up briefly , then , it was gone , back to life . It was not like I was having trouble coping , it was very normal . I had no remorse . I worry about my coldness at times , and I am needing to write about it . The truth is , I don 't even care . I have not contacted my sister for the family pictures , my aunt has not called me about mother 's life insurance , she assured me she will , so I 'm not worried . I do kinda worry that they have taken all the money , but too afraid to talk about it with them . I told my husband this morning that I was scared of seeing my sister for the pictures , for I basically told her to " get lost " the last time I saw her . He said that I did , and that I told my brother the same thing basically . His mother 's birthday was this week . I made her a quilted tote bag , and we needed to bring it to her . We stopped at the store for a gift bag and a card . I asked him to pick out a card and he picked out one that said , " From both of us . " I told him , " No , that is for two friends who get together and decide to gift someone . " Then he smiled and picked up this beautiful card with roses on it , and more just a regular birthday card from one person or more . I have to say that filling out the card was a very difficult thing . When we got back to the truck , I opened the packaging of the card and got a pen and asked him to fill it out . He told me to fill it out . I asked him , " What do I say ? " He said to just put our names on it . So I did . When we got to her place , she was pleased by the quilting and the outside of the card and gave me a big hug . I could feel my shoulders slump backwards . She opened the card and spent a long time reading it , and I just needed her to put it down . Then her brother called , and they spent a couple of minutes talking then proceeded with our visit . At this point I remembered me telling my brother to get lost when he called me at the time of mother 's death . Then I just went on with what I was doing . So yeah , I yelled at my brother then put the phone down and went on with normal things . I think I was doing the laundry . This is not outside of the notice of my husband who just sat there . I could see his body shake a bit when I told my brother to get lost . Then I witness what he is actually used to , his own elderly mother having a peaceful conversation with her brother . Why does this look so weird to me . An actual conversation with a family member but to him , this is normal and vice versa . And why can 't people just talk to eachother and give eachother gifts , why this hateful card thing ? I cried over my utter coldness , not over mother or my family . But over my ability to even feel a thing about it . I cried and prayed out loud to God to please help me . I don 't know what was going on with me . Then with all things , I decided to wait . We had our food bank meeting last night . You know that malignant narcissist I told you about before that volunteers there ? Well , she decided to be very generous , and since we have a few money vouchers left , we should give them out first come first serve . For Easter . I told you of how I 'm just letting my emotions take over and just learn to feel ? Well , I did it . I don 't know what happened . This sound came out of my mouth and it said , " That sounds just horrible . " Without even thinking . I don 't know if I said the right thing . Then others piped up and said it was wrong , " Either we give everyone one or no one . " I 'm not even sure if it was from anything I said though , it was a purely emotional response froI 'll tell you what I mean . I remember my brother hitting me and seeing the stars , but I remember more , the look on his face . My last therapist taught me to explain a look instead of reacting to the fear of it . He would half close his eyes . then he would press them almost shut . With his teeth clenched and his cheeks relaxed , no smile , no frown , nothing . He said I was just a fucking bitch . Then he hit . I bounced back , and I felt the room disappear , then I remember the screaming . It was me screaming , trying to stay awake and ALIVE . I was too scared to pass out , I fought myself conscience . It seemed like everyone was in the room including my mother . I remembered the argument at first , then she just turned her back and said she didn 't want anything to do with it . She said she tries too hard and if we can 't get along it is not her fault . Then I saw her smile ? I did see her smile and smirk . Even after the hitting , while she was busy giving him a little shit over it , she was smirking . She told him , " That 's enough " with the freakiest look on her face . But her eyes wide and staring down at me , sucking up the supply , it was like pure milk chocolate . Do you want to know how the argument started ? I 'll tell you . His girlfriend went into my drawer and took and wore my sweater home . I wanted it back . This was the only sweater I had ever chosen for myself . I don 't know how I got to choose it for myself . But I think it was because mother took me to a store to buy it and try it on . It was not from the catalogue . With salespeople watching , I got to choose the sweater . It was funny mother never made me return it , guess she was just too lazy , and I hid the fact I loved the sweater . I loved that sweater and never saw it again . I tried to fight for it , but I couldn 't . So brother 's girlfriend took and wore the sweater home . I was angry . I expressed that to him . That 's when the squinty eyes started and well , the rest of the story . There was no equality between us . Any time I got hit after that by a man , it was like I was set up for it by my brother . Stupid brother . His wife rules the roost , and he has yet to put on his big boy panties , and I can 't figure that one out and I won 't . I was 15 . He was either 19 or 20 , and well over the age of consent . Well above the age of " knowing better " . I don 't care about the triangulation . I don 't care about anything else . In my emotions , it is placed where this " man " sits . There is nothing that can be done about it , this is how I feel . So when my brother called me and says he " misses me " , he can go fuck off . He has never visited me , and dodged any attempts of me visiting him . It is final and it is done . If I try to do anything , I would be doing it without authenticity , so that means its just bullshit . Why can 't I forget something that happened many decades ago ? Well , it wasn 't just that particular incident , there were others , and that would make for a very long blog posting . I am trying to remember other things from the others , what they did past the age of accountability . I remember very serious things that would probably land the whole family in jail . I really don 't care about any of them . I have to live a life now . My children and husband . I had a relationship issue the other day with him , long story . Basically , when you are being authentic , sometimes its not always going to make them feel all peachy . They get angry . It was understandable . It was all I could do to let it go till the next day , I just wanted to pick at the problem . I wanted to tell him that he was the problem here not me , but I had to force myself to allow my feelings and respect his boundaries , and not blame him . Still , after my expressing my emotions , and being vulnerable , I had to let it go till the next day . Oh , no . Then after he went to bed , just forget about it , and not stew . This was hard . I have told my relationship guide about this before in the past , and all she says to me is " I know . " Or " uh huh , yes . " That 's it , that is all she says about it . Or today it was my turn to bring the snack for our quilting guild . No one ate anything while I was there . Oh , no . I wanted to pick at it , and try to get someone to eat . Or feel horrible about it . I just let it go . I guess they just weren 't hungry . I didn 't worry about it , I brought the snacks then no one ate , then I went home a few hours later , and we just leave the snacks . It doesn 't matter . Or my oldest daughter and her ex tend to buy too much for the children . You know , I can 't buy any of her children a coloring book even . It will simply fall into the pile of endless coloring books they already have . And the kids don 't even appreciate gifts anymore . They have ten of everything . I 'm not saying she is teaching them to be narcissists , but well , seems like its going down that road . We had a long talk about it and she is considering what I am saying . I can 't watch this video without crying , even over and over again . This is a true story , Henry Howard wrote this poem , and he was executed under the command of King Henry VIII back in the early 1500 's . Here are the words to that poem : Such profound words from a guy who was considered a very difficult man . History does not give Henry Howard a good report . And actually , if history were to write about me , oh no , lets not go there . I had my doctor 's appointment yesterday . It turns out my cholesterol is 3 . 7 and it is supposed to be at 2 . The doctor is concerned about this for I have a brother who died of a heart attack at 45 , and a mother who had high cholesterol . The doctor discussed with me that the genetic link factor is the worst . I never told her that I had a grandmother who died at the age of thirty of a heart attack for having too many children . And that was on my father 's side . Too many connections , and I 'm starting to feel like I 'm going to be very careful with my eating habits and start exercising . I have to have a bunch of heart tests too , and they 'll call me to set a date . Last night for dinner we had some white meat chicken and a big salad , with healthy dressing , a piece of whole wheat bread . I talked about the results with my husband who just sat there a little nervous too . I have the genetic link factor , and I 'm feeling like a ticking time bomb . He 's concerned about this too , and that is probably coupled with him staring down at the chicken and salad and he 's probably wondering when he 'll ever have a steak again . I know its important for us both to eat healthy and he likes to eat red meat . I think I 'm just going to put some healthy food in his diet and allow him to eat what he wants . We like fish , but we only get it in the summer from the lake . I usually deep fry it , so I 'm going to have to learn how to bake more often . And more in moderation . We usually eat what we catch right away , even when we catch the limit . And this is a lot . I suppose I could freeze some , but the law don 't let you freeze too much . If you have a freezer of fish , you could get into trouble . Around here the law is strict on wildlife and that we don 't abuse it , and sometimes I think they are more vigilant about that than they are about other things . Our bodies make cholesterol too . So that has to be taken in consideration because of my bad nerves . But I think I 've done a lot of work to get better . Just this past week I 've done considerable work on it . I was well over my bad cold so I went to church on Sunday . There is still a little residue from the cold , so I had to blow my nose . I didn 't think much of it . I blew my nose a little , and it sounded like an elephant clearing its trunk . Of course these things happen to me , I feel like I have been living under some kind of curse , so I kind of wondered why I didn 't go to the bathroom to blow my nose , why did I have to do it right there . But I lived to tell the tale . After church I checked the food for the food bank and I noticed that a lot of food was collected by the church . There was probably about $ 800 worth . I usually take the food home with me and bring it to the food bank meeting , but this time I had to find someone who had keys , I wasn 't going to bring this home . As I left the church , the truck spun its wheels and there was snow thrown about the place and people were watching . It looked like I did this on purpose , I hate that . It looked like I was doing a Dukes of Hazzard Boys . They were probably expecting me to fly over the embankment . I don 't spin wheelies but it looked like I was doing this on purpose . I survived . Next I had to think of who to go to that had keys . I only knew where one lived . Almost , not exactly . I kinda knew of where she lived , I thought I could find her . I did find her . It was cool because I used to do that in another time , when mother was not in my life . I used to live making mistakes , and it was ok . All this constant " being careful " was a problem for me . So I decided to incorporate a little of the " old me " . So it was ok , I found her . We went to the food bank and dropped off the food . She is a nervous person . I noticed how her speech tells this , and the way we talked to eachother , well we are the same in that regards . As I was leaving the food bank I saw her walking back so I stopped and asked if anything was wrong . She said that she just wanted to check if she locked the doors . I thought to myself , " of course . " Exactly what I would do . I don 't know why this kind of behaviour bugs people . I find her a very good person , and I don 't know why some would target someone like that . I don 't know about her life , and perhaps life took her here , and she does the best she can . Watching her , I noticed a lot of me . People think we are untrustworthy . People might think its stupid to give her keys and she has too much responsibility that she can 't be trusted for . But I know she is the most trustworthy . She might have walked back to the food bank again to check the lock again , she would never have left those doors unlocked . She is always there to do things , and me knocking on her door on a Sunday was not expected . She went out of her way to help . She did not make me go home with the food . That is what we are like . So , with gas running out of the truck , I got the gas , with no anxiety over that . I used to have to go around with a full tank , and with poverty being my main issue at the time , this made everything very difficult . So I did a " So What ? " Then I proceeded to go on . Just pushed through every single instance of pain , and I didn 't die from it . And even yesterday , going to the doctor 's presented challenges . I had my 3 year old grandbaby with me , and I couldn 't find parking till the last minute , it was pouring rain , and I had a sickening feeling I would miss my appointment because of it . I eventually found parking by waiting and driving around town . This is not easy when you have a three year old who has to go pee . I should be in a movie , its terrible . And , if that wasn 't enough , I had a hard time to get out of town for they had closed the exits because of several accidents . There was only one exit , and I had to try to find out which one it was . The radio did not give the details . It took me a long time to find it . I survived . But if I knew what the day was going to be like , I don 't think I would have wished myself out of bed that morning . I don 't think things would be so rough if it weren 't for mother . I think I would have been more accepting of myself . Mother had high cholesterol too , and she used to eat everything that was considered good and healthy , and still her cholesterol went up . It was weird . I think it may have been her awful demeanor . She was always on the look out for narc supply , and this probably caused a lot of stress . They can 't live without it . I suppose her doctor should have told her about that . Narcs get away with too much and then they eat to keep healthy . Doctor 's don 't help narcs much , do they ? She could have eaten only vegetables , but the constant need for supply kept her cholesterol high . I 'm sure of it . Well , my doctor is a vegetarian , and I was wondering how someone lives like that . She never has anything greasy either . Then of course , I embarrassed myself asking her about pork , with her being east Indian , and this is probably a conversation she didn 't want to have . They don 't eat pigs , and I felt just awful for asking her of it afterwards . Just awful . Awful is how I feel a lot . But , she just smiled and she actually didn 't smack me , so its ok . So I basically have to take better care of myself , and I 'm hoping my clumsy attempts at life don 't cause my downfall . I think if I 'm just more accepting of them and of me , I will be fine . And eating better and exercising will help me too . I have the words of Henry Howard , the recipe of the quiet mind . I have a feeling this will be my most vulnerable post ever . At least that is what I 'm feeling right now . I had to think of that before typing anything else , to get that off my shoulders . Well , I 've been on this journey of discovery , and when I first started , I made it a point to read some of Anna V at least a couple of times a week . That tapered off to nothing and just last night I started to read it again . I have to tell you it was like it was all brand new to me . I love how she can use bible scripture to make her points and does it so well , and never comes across as preachy to anyone . Just the bare bones scripture , and for me this is the catalyst in growing in leaps and bounds . I feel sad , I go there . I feel angry , I go there . Even when I feel confused . And confused is a lot that I feel so much . And I got to tell you these sneaky little buggers of the Cluster B will get you all confused if you let them . I found out a woman I once knew is part of our quilting guild . Not in my town , but in another , but we sometimes will all get together , at least once a year . Now , this woman I once knew I used to work with in another time . I can 't call her the direct bully , I can 't even call her an MN , but she was part and parcel of a plot set out by head narc of the group , and she played along . Long story . but I think you get the gist of it . She was not someone who sticks up for anyone , just plays along . Now I don 't mind that , I don 't expect anyone to stand up for me actually , but to stir the pot ? This I do mind . She basically sat me down one day and told me that I need to learn to get along with people that I have a hard time with people skills and that basically I was stupid . Even though I was the one that was bullied and I was perfectly content to mind my own business , but I get pulled into things and get bullied . But somehow this is all my fault . I 've seen people , real people , not get up and not play with the narc agenda , I 've seen it . I know it is possible . I saw this woman is with the guild and this part bugs me . I know she likes to be perceived as this great and wonderful , sweet , caring , giving , understanding etc , etc , adnauseum . I don 't think she was a predator . I 'm sure she can be utmostly sweet at a tea party too . Hey , whatever fits the situation , and this is the most inauthentic person I know . Despite all of that , I went to read some of Anna V . I happened to read that even these types people are dangerous for in the bible it says that those who don 't love truth are dangerous . They are the antithesis of truth , they are lies . Lies pure and simple , and that is dangerous . How come I know so much ? In my heart I know that this woman will throw you to the wolves , given a chance or sit and dine with you and discuss flower arranging patterns in a little sun bonnet too . She hasn 't even seen me at the guild yet , but I know she is with the other group , and sooner or later we will cross paths . I know I am more angry with her than anyone of PD that I meet now . Nowadays , new narcs no problem . One from my past is a different story . And Anna says that narc supporters are no different than their narc counterparts , no less dangerous that is . What will I say when I meet her ? Not sure , but I know what she will say . She will be nice to me and act like we were friends in another life , and try to proceed with the nice protocol . lol . I 'm sure of it . Even those people who come online and say they are ACON 's child abuse survivors . Then they claim to be diagnosed with the dreaded Cluster B disorder . Hey , I know they can write good and talk a good game and everything . But when push comes to shove they are on the defense of the narcissist . I won 't mention names , but I seen an ACON get ganged up on by them to defend his royal highness the head narc Sam Vakness . I 've seen it . I read it and I was in shock . I was too much in a fog at the time to see clearly what what going but now I know . Reading some of Anna really helped me . And she also helped me realize too that almost every narc has tales of woe . That is child abuse . Be careful . Love you Anna Valerious , hope you don 't mind me sharing some of what I learned from you , it was all like fresh stuff last night . One of the new narcs I know , and I mean new as in my post awakening , that I pegged as being a narc right away . For months . Then just the other day , I got into a bit of a misunderstanding with one of the ladies . I felt lost when I went to get the presses to hold down my quilt . She moved them , and I 'm afraid my voice got a little testy as to where they were . Madam narc picked up on this . Time for an attack . Well , after awhile , it all seemed rather silly and some time later the narc asked , " I wonder if Joan is still mad at you . " This was about a half an hour after the scuffle , and we had already retreated into being friendly again . Mmmm . So yeah , ha ha . Another one . Well , that freaky SIL left a message in hubby 's email . This is what , barely into March and she wanted to know what HE was going to do , for THEY were taking their holidays in August . For this , I have my wonderful lady who leads my relationship site , but , I 'm sick . Everything will have to be counter intuitive . I will have to embrace my pain and authentically admit I 'm jealous even to him if necessary , but at least admit it myself . I am not to let him go there alone anymore , I have to use jealousy in a way that is productive . That is , take things in hand and go there and own the situation . That she is not in charge here . I have to grow a spine . So I will have to breathe through that one . Wah , I 'm not meant for this . Its hard for me , not that I 'm a wimp , but I have a lot of shit to deal with , with my own issues . I 'm afraid . What if I take it too far ? That can happens sometimes , but its only because of jangled nerves . I 'm misundertood all the time , so what difference does it make now ? Rule number one of social skills , YOU WILL MAKE MISTAKES . It doesn 't help much when I am born with a hypermobile body that can 't even point straight at something and can sit like a twist tie . This all feels so vulnerable . I can 't explain it . Just does . But I was always faced with someone wanting to beat me up , and that is something . So what I wanted to talk about was this stuff all this stuff . Am I making sense . I just had to pour out so quickly what it was I was feeling . When I go back and try to edit it will remove the intensity of my feelings . Thank you for your patience . I have been diagnosed with having high cholesterol . All my other medical tests turned out fine , other than having to have a mammogram once a year instead of two years . For having dense tissue . I have a doctor 's appointment next week to discuss it , but I did a little reading online about it . I 'm a little nervous it will affect my eating habits , which are not very good . I am addicted to sweets , and have no problem at all eating a family size bag of caramels . And that is a day that I 'm being careful of what I eat . I know mother was diagnosed with this at my age , probably a bit older actually . She didn 't go for regular testing though , but she had symptoms of having a hard time moving her legs . So she went to see a doctor and they found out she had high cholesterol . I 'm still just trying to absorb this information . Mother had it , I got it , but I had no symptoms , and apparently there are no symptoms from what I was reading online . Only a blood test can determine it . It can run in families . I already look like her , and have the same diagnosis . I remember she lived on cabbage soup lots . Very careful with what she ate . I CAN ' T LIVE LIKE THAT . I know , I 'm not trying to find pity here , just venting . I have special addictions brought on by a life of trauma . Junk food makes me feel normal . It comforts me . When things go badly for me , I always have had a temporary way out . I was fortunate not to be a drug addict or worse . Mother did intend to make me feel so horrible about myself then she would placate me with hot chocolate and candy . I still remember that wolf in Lisette 's blog from House of Mirrors . I must have stared at that wolf for a long time . The wolf was holding out a treat and he had a fork in his other had to eat you with . When the doctor told me that I felt scared . I am already aware of the eating life a high cholesterol person . It is not good . I am probably not as bad as mother , for she only went in when she was already sick . I also heard that high cholesterol can be caused by stress . I stress about a lot of things . Just tonight I was feeling horrible . Just horrible and I couldn 't figure out why . So I just let myself feel horrible . That 's it . No positive thinking . And guess what ? In about 10 minutes I was feeling better . For no reason either , I just went with the flow . I know it can be said that an uneducated woman like my mother can be an emotional feeder . She doesn 't know any better right ? But she did tell me that she enjoyed seeing me miserable . I realize now why she told me that . She was grooming me to always feel miserable to please her . Who does that ? Who feels pleasure at their daughter feeling miserable ? I can 't stand it when the kids tell me that they feel badly , I go frantic and I absorb their pain . I like it when they are happy . A couple of months ago , my son told me he was going to go back to school . At age 26 , he already became a foreman in the construction industry , he was a roofer . But he is a workaholic and with long winters off , he sort of went nuts . He 's going back to school , and I feel scared for him , but I 'm trusting him to make the right decisions . But he didn 't tell me that he was going to work in the summer months , and go to school in the winter . He didn 't tell me that . I only heard he was going back to school . I thought he got into a fight with his boss or got fired , and all my brain did was go crazy . Then he explained it to me later . I couldn 't bring myself to ask him if he got fired , I didn 't know what to do , and he didn 't explain right away . So we talked about this and he promised to explain things to me better . How much junk food did I consume over that one ? I 'm ashamed to tell you . So I have to figure out how my emotions work with the emotional eating , and I have to try to solve the problem that way . If I have to eat healthy , there will be more emotional work . And it seems to be endless . People think I 'm a type A personality , but I think I 'm authentically the type B laid back type . But mother never allowed it . Once she came back into my life in 2005 I was doing fine . But it was a fly by the seat of my pants sort of life . But I had everything covered . Nothing was undone , like mother claiming it was . I was living a good life . Look for that when you feel stressed for no reason . You might be living to please a malignant narcissist . Posted by I am an ACON of the " doll " variety . I am the youngest of four children , and was treated like I was everyone 's emotional dump up until I went NC with all of them . Mother wanted someone to torture and I was it , and I 've been tortured and abused my entire live by psychopaths . View my complete profile Hi all ! I needed to post today because I 'm needing a distraction after the election . If anyone else is like me , reading something positive will help you ge . . . |
Aside from a creative writing piece I did in high school , I have never written down the events of this day before . The creative writing piece was something that did not have all of the details and was written as something to be graded in class . So , today I wanted to write down the events of this day , April 26 , 1985 . Each time I have ever told this story in person , I have always started to shake and my voice would get shaky and it would be hard to talk and even hard to breathe . . . even if I didn 't cry , I have always started to shake with my voice shaking . So many of the events of the day have always remained so clear in my mind . . . I really feel something when I tell it . Also , for years and years and years after it happened , I could not drive past an accident scene with ambulances there and not cry and feel the emotions of the day start to return . It has been a long time since I have cried as I tell this story , but for some reason , I am extra emotional this year . . . and I felt like it was time to finally write down the events of the day . It may seem choppy at times , but I wanted the details in it the best I could . We lived in a little town called Lawson , Missouri . It was a small town and we all loved living there . The people were wonderful and we all had great friends . My parents were out of town . They were on a temple trip in Dallas , Texas . That is a long way from Lawson , Missouri , but that was the temple district that we lived in . So my parents had taken a trip with other people from our church down to Dallas to attend the temple . I don 't remember how long they were meant to be gone , but I think it was going to be a few days . My oldest brother , Richard ( 19 years old ) , was on a two year mission for our church in Sweden , so he was also away . My oldest sister , Karey ( 20 years old ) , was left in charge of the rest of us kids , Nairn , Bruce , Robert , Lorianne , John , Lisa , Leslie ( me ) , Spencer , and Mark , ( all ranging in age from 17 down to 3 years old ) . I cannot even imagine having to deal with this type of day as a 20 year old and having to keep it together for all of my younger siblings . Karey was amazing . April 26 , 1985 was prom night at the high school . My brother Nairn had already left on his date and my brother Bruce had only just turned 16 , so he didn 't have a date and was to be an usher at the dance . Karey had let some of us kids invite friends over that night for a sleepover and to watch movies . She had rented Superman 4 and The Elephant Man . I still have never seen The Elephant Man and I am okay with that . That afternoon , Bruce was going to drive into town to pick up his tuxedo . So , since we lived out in the country , the trip to town was going to include three errands : pick up Bruce 's tuxedo , pick up Robert from track practice , and pick up John 's , Lisa 's , and my friends for the sleepover . It was fun to ride into town and Mark decided to ride along , Spencer was going to , but at the last minute changed his mind saying he was tired . So , we headed into town on our little gravel road in our little yellow Plymouth Horizon . Seat belts were not a part of every day life back then . In fact , us kids were known to regularly be standing up in the back so that we could see out the front window . Part way to town , there was a little one lane wooden bridge that only one car could fit on at a time . I don 't remember the name of the little creek that ran below the bridge . There had been fresh gravel laid down recently , which seems to make it a little more dangerous to drive on until it is packed down . As we approached the little bridge , something started to go wrong . When all was said and done , Mark mentioned seeing a big rock in the middle of the bridge and he thought that was why Bruce started to try to brake . Anyway , that car had brake issues in the past and when he started to brake , it seemed to begin losing control and it began to fishtail in the deep gravel and Bruce yelled , " Hold On ! " At that point , the car went off to the left side and missed the bridge entirely and was airborne . Who knows what was really seen in the middle of the bridge , maybe nothing . . . or maybe a big rock . We don 't know . After the car flew off the edge and down into the ravine , the next thing I remember after that was waking up inside the car . The car was tipped up on the passenger side . I seemed to be the first one to wake up and I looked for a way out of the car . I don 't remember if a window had been rolled down or if it had broken out , but I crawled out of a window onto the embankment . I went to stand up , but something was wrong . As I tried to put weight on my left leg , it hyper extended all the way at the knee and I collapsed . I was so scared . . . in my eight year old mind , all I could imagine was that they were going to have to cut my leg off . I kept lifting the bottom half of my leg up because it seemed so strange that it was bending the wrong way . . . I was so scared . So , I sat there looking around . I hadn 't realized that Mark was not in the car , but he came walking down the hill towards me . He was 3 years old and seemed to be completely fine . I sure wish I could remember all of the conversations we all had with each other throughout this ordeal . We were all so scared . As I looked over the situation , I realized that the car had landed on the opposite embankment from where it had traveled off of the drop off and the car was facing down the hill towards the creek . So , once it was airborne , it must have flipped over and landed on its side . As I looked down at the car , I realized that I could see Bruce , but only the back of his head . I couldn 't make it down to him , but in my heart I wondered if he was still alive or not . . . and I figured he was not . Lisa was the next one out of the car and she could barely walk . She said she was going to go for help . I wish I could remember our whole conversation , but it seemed like she was out and then gone pretty quickly . I do remember that she carefully went down to where we could see Bruce and gave him a kiss or a hug or something . . . I wish I could remember that better as well . Then she left to go and get help . She had such a hard time walking and climbing up the hill , she was hurting . She was only 9 . A little while after Lisa left , I started hearing sounds come from the car . I could hear John in there trying to get out of the car . He had been in the passenger seat and had been pinned under where Bruce was laying . I could hear him working hard to make it up to the top of the car and he finally made it out of the driver side window and rested there for a bit . He looked exhausted as though he had just run a marathon . He had to do it all using only one arm and you could tell he was in a lot of pain . He couldn 't move his arm and had blood running down his face from his right cheek . Once he made it down to the ground , he asked where Lisa was and I told him she had gone for help , so he decided to go and try to find her and help her . He was only 11 . They were both so young to be having the responsibility of searching for help . After he had left , Mark and I were left there on the hill next to the car , staring down at the creek and at Bruce . It was a hot and humid day . At one point , I remember Mark , my three year old brother , asking me if I wanted to lay on his lap , and I think I did . As I got older , when I would think back , I have always been amazed that my brother , who was only three , would think to offer his lap for me to lay on . As we were sitting there , there were cars driving over the bridge above us . If they would have only looked down , they would have seen the nightmare we were in . But if I remember correctly , we were at least 30 feet down from the bridge . Anyway , Mark and I began yelling up to the bridge every time a car would drive over . Because it was so hot , people had their windows up with the air conditioning on . No one could hear us . We were screaming our little hearts out and we could not be heard . I don 't remember how many cars and trucks drove across that bridge , but it seems like we were sitting there for so long . Finally , a pick up truck drove across and their windows were down . We yelled and they looked down and slammed on their brakes . It was a man and his wife and they both came down to see how we were . His wife ran back up to the truck to use their CB to call for help . Over the years , I have always wished I could have told the man and his wife Thank You . They were there with us at a very difficult time . While the wife was gone to her truck , the man was crouched down in front of us , in our line of sight to Bruce , and he was talking to us . I asked him if they were going to cut my leg off . He told me no . At one point , Mark said " Bruce is dead " , and the man told us that he wasn 't and that he would be fine . Again , I was amazed at my three year old brother , he was just so aware of things . His wife finally came back down and took Mark up to the truck with her . The man stayed there with me until help arrived . Paramedics came down with a stretcher and cut my pants . They carried me up the hill to the road and put me on the gravel road . I don 't know it this is a true memory or if it is something that has concerned me since then , but I feel like I remember being worried about Bruce being down there all by himself once they brought me up to the road . I hate the thought of him being left down there without any of his family with him . I sure wish I could have said good bye to him . My sister reminded me in a comment on here that she actually came down to where I was down below before they took me up to the road . I had forgotten that . She held my hand and sat with me there and then she mentioned that she went to go and find John and Lisa . I remember they kept trying to put a mask over my mouth , but I wouldn 't let them . I was so scared . I didn 't know what to think or what was happening . I remember seeing Mark in the back of an ambulance . And the next thing I remember was that Karey came back . She came and told me it was okay and after she was there , I finally let them put the mask over my mouth . I needed her . I don 't remember how long I was there on the ground , but I was eventually carried over to the life flight helicopter that had landed a little way from the bridge . John was in the life flight with me . I remember trying to go to sleep , I felt so tired , but they wouldn 't let me . They kept saying my name and telling me I had to stay awake . I didn 't understand why . I was so tired , I jut wanted to sleep . I know now that I was in shock and they had to keep me awake . When we landed in Kansas City , it was at the Primary Children 's Hospital there . I remember we landed on a rooftop and they rushed us on gurneys through what seemed like a big tube into the hospital . I remember the room was really white and really bright and it seemed like they were finally allowing me to go to sleep . As I layed there , I remember hearing John screaming from another room . I didn 't know what was wrong . It was scary . His screams from the other room were what I went to sleep hearing . Lisa and John had finally made it to a house and were able to call for help . The first house Lisa went to , no one was home , so she had to keep walking . Houses are not close together there . They also called Karey , who did not have a car and had to run to the neighbors house and ask them for a ride to the bridge . Lori and Spencer were with her . Spencer had a disease in his hip at the time called leg perthes and was in a leg brace , it ended up being a blessing that he was too tired to ride along with us . Robert , who was waiting for us at track practice , finally got a ride home with his coach . When they got to the fork in the road and it was closed off , they knew something must have happened to us , so they drove the long way around and finally arrived . . . Lori ran to Robert to let him know what had happened . Lisa and Mark had been taken by ambulance to a closer hospital , treated , and then released . Lisa had torn ligaments and bruises all over her body . Mark , who had a cast on his arm from a broken arm previous to the accident , came away from the accident with only a little bruise on his ear . What a blessing . We like to think that an angel carried Mark out of the car by his ear before it hit the ground , and that is what gave him the bruise . Poor Richard on his mission in Sweden had to find out through his mission president on the phone . He was completely alone and my heart breaks when I think about what he went through alone in a foreign country . He was missed . The next day , I woke up in the hospital . I woke up and I was in traction . My left femur was broken completely in half and the bones had moved past each other , so they had drilled a hole through whatever my shin bone is called and had attached weights to it at the end of my bed so that the weights could slowly pull my bone back into alignment . John was my room mate . He had a crushed shoulder blade , a broken finger , and a huge gash on his cheek . That day when I woke up , I remember Karey coming into my hospital room to talk to me . We were alone and she broke the news to me that Bruce had died . I remember crying and realizing that what we figured in the beginning was true . But my reaction to her news proved that I had chosen to believe that he would be okay and to have hope . What a blow . It was devastating news and our hearts were all broken . After she told me , I remember my hospital door opening and a flood of people coming into my room . Relatives , including my parents . They had come back . I remember watching at the end of my bed and seeing my dad ask Karey , " Did you tell her ? " , and she said yes . Bruce had died from suffocation . What had happened was that somehow the passenger door came open and he was thrown across the car , the door closed on his neck and must have made it so he could not breathe . We like to imagine that he was taken before the car hit . . . that he did not suffer . That is our hope . The way my parents had found out about it all is so very sad . They were in the temple and after one of the temple sessions had ended , they were asked to meet with the temple president in his office . They assumed they were going to be asked to help with something , but instead , he sat them down and had to break the news to them . Here is their story in their own words : From that moment , all our attention and all our prayers were directed toward the other four of our children . We were driven to the Dallas - Ft . Worth Airport , and sat for what seemed like hours waiting for a flight to Kansas City . We wept and prayed and wept and prayed . It was terrible , Finally , we got on the airplane , and wept and prayed , and worried about the four other children . We were picked up at the Kansas City Airport by a friend , and he was able to tell us that NONE of the other four were in danger . We had suffered the hardest blow of our entire lives , but we were instantly filled with the most intense gratitude you can imagine . I had felt when our tenth child ( Spencer ) was born that Heavenly Father might take a " tithe " of our children home to him , and to learn that there was nothing further required of us was a GREAT relief . We spent the rest of that night and the next day focusing on our injured children , but thrilled to find all of them in relative GOOD condition considering . I think that gratitude is focusing on what Heavenly Father has given us ; not on what He hasn 't given us . Ever after that night we THANKED Heavenly Father for the sixteen years He gave us with Bruce ; and Now that I am a mother , I cannot even imagine what my parents were going through as they were so far away from all of us when tragedy struck . I have been amazed at my parents after all of this . You could imagine them becoming bitter and not wanting to go to the temple much after losing a child while they were AT the temple , but they went the opposite direction . They attend the temple every chance they get , they have been such great examples of temple attendance of anyone I have ever known . . . they are drawn to the temple because of the importance of it . They chose to cling to the gospel and turn to the Lord for strength and have faith and hope in Him . I sure love my parents . I remember a few days after being in the hospital , watching John getting dressed . I asked him where he was going and he said he was going to Bruce 's funeral . I couldn 't believe that I was not going to get to go to the funeral . Ever since that time , I have always felt like I was robbed of an experience that seems so necessary to be able to say good bye to a loved one . Going to a funeral of a loved one has always been sad , but uplifting at the same time . It helps to give closure and you get to feel uplifted as you hear about the wonderful things they accomplished in life and also you get to hear about the plan of our Father in Heaven , knowing that there is life after this and that we will see each other again . I always felt like I did not get to experience the closure that a funeral can bring . But it was just not possible for me to go . One day , I remember they gave me a shot to try to get me to go to sleep . I didn 't know what they were planning to do , but I forced myself to stay awake because the last time that happened , I woke up with a pin in my leg . . . I didn 't want to do that again . Because I was still awake , they had to do whatever they were going to do with me awake and I remember them unscrewing the screw from my bone . It was a strange feeling , but I was glad I was awake . My mom left for the day after that happened and I remember that the tutor who would come and do school with me each day came into my room after I had come back from that . She was not a very nice lady and I didn 't like her to come . I was glad that my mom had seen her enter my room because she came back and told the tutor that she didn 't want me to have a tutor that day and that I needed some rest . Thanks Mom . I remember getting a lot of cards and letters and flowers and other stuff while I was in the hospital . It made me feel special . I was in the hospital for at least 10 days , I can 't remember how many for sure though . Not long after that day , they put a cast on me . It was a full body cast . It went all the way up to my chest , down my whole left leg and halfway down my right leg , with a bar put in between my legs to keep it stable . There is a photo below . I 'm not gonna lie , I got really fast in that cast . I ran around all summer in that thing . If I remember correctly , I broke the cast at least twice near the feet from running on it so much and they had to recast it each time . The deep sorrow that is felt in your heart when you lose a close loved one cannot be described . Every aspect of life is changed by it and it can never be the same again . You have to find a way to live life in a new way and by doing that , you feel like you are ' moving on ' from the memory of the one who was lost . . . but in reality you have to find a way to move forward while carrying them and their influence in your life with you as you go . something that all of us are so grateful for . I am grateful for the life that Bruce was able to live . In those short 16 years , he accomplished a lot and he was one of the most amazing people I have ever known . I am grateful for the Plan of Happiness and for our knowledge of Eternal Families . I have tried to teach Aaron how to ride his bike so many times . When we still lived in Lehi , a neighbor gave Aaron a little blue bike . So we went and bought training wheels and put them on and he did ride around on that some . After we moved , I took the training wheels off because they were bending and not on there properly anymore and I thought it would be a good time to try to teach him how to ride it without training wheels . So I tried to teach him how to ride it about a year and a half ago , and he was not having it . He said he didn 't ever want to ride a bike until he was he was a lot older . He was nervous and I could tell it was not going to happen yet . So , the bike got put away and I didn 't push him to try again . Then one day last month , Aaron saw some kids out riding bikes and when we got home he said he wanted to ride his bike . So we got it out and it was WAY too small . I think it was a little too small the last time , but it would have worked . . . but this time , NO WAY ! But since he was finally asking to ride a bike , I figured that it was a good time to invest in a bike . We checked at the local thrift shop first , but nothing good . So we went over to Wal Mart . I decided to use the rest of my birthday money to buy him a bike and a helmet . I figured it was worth it since once he learns to ride , we will be able to ride together and that is fun for me and it will be like a birthday gift for me as well . : ) When we got home , he was so excited . He got all ready , we put on his helmet and he started coaching me about how to coach him . I had these grand visions of him being ready so that meant he was going to be able to ride really well that very day . : ) Not what happened . I held onto the bike for the first little while , then I told him that I was going to let go and let him try . He fought me on that , but finally agreed to try . So I let go of him and off he went . . . he rode for a bit and then it scared him and he stopped pedaling and started to curve down towards the curb . . . he hit the curb and fell over . It was at that point when he was ready to be done . I would not let him be done though . . . we stayed out for another while just so he didn 't have that crash be his last memory of the day . After that day , he said he wanted to take his bike back to the store and never wanted to ride a bike again . I told him that we could not take it back and that since I used my birthday money , I wanted him to keep it and keep trying . ( horrible of me to use that one on him ) . So he got some money out and wanted to pay me back for the bike . . . didn 't come close to enough , but I thought it was cute though . So funny . Our 91 year old widow next door tried to use reverse psychology on him and even told Aaron that she would have his bike if he didn 't want it and he looked at her and said " Thank you " in a really relieved tone . That didn 't work either . Thanks anyway for trying Hazel . : ) After that day , my sister Lori told me about how her husband Scott taught their 6 year old daughter . He taught her how to stop first so that she knew how to stop once she started . So they practiced using the brakes first . . . then it helped her to know that she was in control . So I decided to try that with Aaron . He was still really nervous and I wasn 't allowed to let go , but I did try to every once in a while . Lori even helped me one day and we took turns running while holding on to his bike . Thanks Lori . . . and Scott for the method of learning to stop first . He got the stopping thing down and I knew it would be soon . So we got back to their house and he said that all he had to do was hold on to Aaron 's shirt so Aaron thought he was helping him and then he let go and Aaron was riding . He had promised to take Aaron to 7 - 11 and get a Slurpee for him if he would ride the bike and I guess that was the incentive he needed . Thanks Steve ! The photo above is of Steve and Aaron after we got back and Aaron showed me in the dark how he could ride a bike . I was SO PROUD ! ! ! Isaac came up behind so he could get in on the action in the photo . : ) when I was little , I would be out playing with my brothers and sisters and if a ' biker ' , a man on a motorcycle , went speeding by , we would chant " Hot Rod . . . in the city " . We make fun of ourselves now for doing that . We were kids . * * * * * * * * * * * My sister and I were chatting last night and we were both talking about some of our own personal struggles to do with trials we are experiencing . . . then she told me she had been directed by someone to THIS TALK that is below and said she was going to read it and encouraged me to do the same . So , tonight I read it and cried all the way through it because I know that it is true . Of course , things are always easier said than done , but I do want so badly to follow the teachings in these words and trust in the Lord . It rang so true to me tonight , I knew I needed to post it on here for myself as a reminder and for anyone else who might need to read it . Trust In The Lordby Elder Richard G Scottof the Quorum of the Twelve Apostlesgiven in General Conference in October 1995 It is so hard when sincere prayer about something we desire very much is not answered the way we want . It is especially difficult when the Lord answers no to that which is worthy and would give us great joy and happiness . Whether it be overcoming illness or loneliness , recovery of a wayward child , coping with a handicap , or seeking continuing life for a dear one who is slipping away , it seems so reasonable and so consistent with our happiness to have a favorable answer . It is hard to understand why our exercise of deep and sincere faith from an obedient life does not bring the desired result . No one wants adversity . Trials , disappointments , sadness , and heartache come to us from two basically different sources . Those who transgress the laws of God will always have those challenges . The other reason for adversity is to accomplish the Lord 's own purposes in our life that we may receive the refinement that comes from testing . It is vitally important for each of us to identify from which of these two sources come our trials and challenges , for the corrective action is very different . If you are suffering the disheartening effects of transgression , please recognize that the only path to permanent relief from sadness is sincere repentance with a broken heart and a contrite spirit . Realize your full dependence upon the Lord and your need to align your life with His teachings . There is really no other way to get lasting healing and peace . Postponing humble repentance will delay or prevent your receiving relief . Admit to yourself your mistakes and seek help now . Your bishop is a friend with keys of authority to help you find peace of mind and contentment . The way will be opened for you to have strength to repent and be forgiven . Just when all seems to be going right , challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously . When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience , they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more ( see Prov . 3 : 11 - 12 ) . He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth , understanding , and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit . To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching , and that generally entails discomfort and pain . When you face adversity , you can be led to ask many questions . Some serve a useful purpose ; others do not . To ask , Why does this have to happen to me ? Why do I have to suffer this , now ? What have I done to cause this ? will lead you into blind alleys . It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God . Rather ask , What am I to do ? What am I to learn from this experience ? What am I to change ? Whom am I to help ? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial ? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do . Yet , when you pray with real conviction , " Please let me know Thy will " and " May Thy will be done , " you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father . This life is an experience in profound trust - trust in Jesus Christ , trust in His teachings , trust in our capacity as led by the Holy Spirit to obey those teachings for happiness now and for a purposeful , supremely happy eternal existence . To trust means to obey willingly without knowing the end from the beginning ( see Prov . 3 : 5 - 7 ) . To produce fruit , your trust in the Lord must be more powerful and enduring than your confidence in your own personal feelings and experience . To exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing with you and that He can accomplish it for your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it . We are like infants in our understanding of eternal matters and their impact on us here in mortality . Yet at times we act as if we knew it all . When you pass through trials for His purposes , as you trust Him , exercise faith in Him , He will help you . That support will generally come step by step , a portion at a time . While you are passing through each phase , the pain and difficulty that comes from being enlarged will continue . If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition , you could not grow . Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly . They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love . As in all things , the Master is our perfect example . Who could have asked with more perfect faith , greater obedience , or more complete understanding than did He when He asked His Father in Gethsemane : " O my Father , if it be possible , let this cup pass from me : nevertheless not as I will , but as thou wilt " ( Matt . 26 : 39 ) . Later He pled twice again : " O my Father , if this cup may not pass away from me , except I drink it , thy will be done " ( Matt . 26 : 42 ; see also Matt . 26 : 44 ) . How grateful I am personally that our Savior taught we should conclude our most urgent , deeply felt prayers , when we ask for that which is of utmost importance to us , with " Thy will be done " ( Matt . 26 : 42 ) . Your willingness to accept the will of the Father will not change what in His wisdom He has chosen to do . However , it will certainly change the effect of those decisions on you personally . That evidence of the proper exercise of agency allows His decisions to produce far greater blessings in your life . I have found that because of our Father 's desire for us to grow , He may give us gentle , almost imperceptible promptings that , if we are willing to accept without complaint , He will enlarge to become a very clear indication of His will . This enlightenment comes because of our faith and our willingness to do what He asks even though we would desire something else . Our Father in Heaven has invited you to express your needs , hopes , and desires unto Him . That should not be done in a spirit of negotiation , but rather as a willingness to obey His will no matter what direction that takes . His invitation , " Ask , and ye shall receive " ( 3 Ne . 27 : 29 ) does not assure that you will get what you want . It does guarantee that , if worthy , you will get what you need , as judged by a Father that loves you perfectly , who wants your eternal happiness even more than do you . I testify that when the Lord closes one important door in your life , He shows His continuing love and compassion by opening many other compensating doors through your exercise of faith . He will place in your path packets of spiritual sunlight to brighten your way . They often come after the trial has been the greatest , as evidence of the compassion and love of an all - knowing Father . They point the way to greater happiness , more understanding , and strengthen your determination to accept and be obedient to His will . It is a singularly marvelous blessing to have faith in the Savior and a testimony of His teachings . So few in the world have that brilliant light to guide them . The fulness of the restored gospel gives perspective , purpose , and understanding . It allows us to face what otherwise appear to be unjust , unfair , unreasonable challenges in life . Learn those helpful truths by pondering the Book of Mormon and other scriptures . Try to understand those teachings not only with your mind but also with your heart . True enduring happiness with the accompanying strength , courage , and capacity to overcome the most challenging difficulties comes from a life centered in Jesus Christ . Obedience to His teachings provides a sure foundation upon which to build . That takes effort . There is no guarantee of overnight results , but there is absolute assurance that , in the Lord 's time , solutions will come , peace will prevail , and emptiness will be filled . Don 't let the workings of adversity totally absorb your life . Try to understand what you can . Act where you are able ; then let the matter rest with the Lord for a period while you give to others in worthy ways before you take on appropriate concern again . Please learn that as you wrestle with a challenge and feel sadness because of it , you can simultaneously have peace and rejoicing . Yes , pain , disappointment , frustration , and anguish can be temporary scenes played out on the stage of life . Behind them there can be a background of peace and the positive assurance that a loving Father will keep His promises . You can qualify for those promises by a determination to accept His will , by understanding the plan of happiness , by receiving all of the ordinances , and by keeping the covenants made to assure their fulfillment . The Lord 's plan is to exalt you to live with Him and be greatly blessed . The rate at which you qualify is generally set by your capacity to mature , to grow , to love , and to give of yourself . He is preparing you to be a god . You cannot understand fully what that means , yet , He knows . As you trust Him , seek and follow His will , you will receive blessings that your finite mind cannot understand here on earth . Your Father in Heaven and His Holy Son know better than you what brings happiness . They have given you the plan of happiness . As you understand and follow it , happiness will be your blessing . As you willingly obey , receive , and honor the ordinances and covenants of that holy plan , you can have the greatest measure of satisfaction in this life . Yes , even times of overpowering happiness . You will prepare yourself for an eternity of glorious life with your loved ones who qualify for that kingdom . I know the principles that we have discussed are true . They have been tested in the crucible of personal experience . To recognize the hand of the Lord in your life and to accept His will without complaint is a beginning . That decision does not immediately eliminate the struggles that will come for your growth . But I witness that it is the best way there is for you to find strength and understanding . It will free you from the dead ends of your own reasoning . It will allow your life to become a productive , meaningful experience , when otherwise you may not know how to go on ( see D & C 24 : 8 ) . I testify that you have a Heavenly Father who loves you . I witness that the Savior gave His life for your happiness . I know Him . He understands your every need . I positively know that as you accept Their will without complaint , They will bless and sustain you . In the name of Jesus Christ , amen . I have been sick for the better part of a month . This has been my worst season EVER when it comes to coming down with sickness throughout a winter . I have had a wicked and brutal case of bronchitis that has had me down for the count and I have just developed what I believe might be strep throat and a double ear infection . Aaron Jr has loose teeth . This may not seem like a bad thing , but to me . . . it is so very sad . He has grown up teeth coming in and everything that happens in his life that is a sign that he is growing up makes me want time to slow down even more . I have been watching old videos a little bit lately . . . videos from a few years ago , in those first couple of years after Aaron passed away . These videos make me happy , but they also have been causing me a lot of pain because of regret . When I watch Aaron Jr in those videos , I grieve for the little boy that is no longer here . Not that I don 't want Aaron Jr to be the boy he is today , but in those couple of years of his life , I was there physically , but not present emotionally . When I watch the videos of this little tiny boy who still needed me in order to survive , I feel so guilty . SO guilty . I was there in his life taking care of his physical needs , but I feel like I was not present so much of the time . I feel like what I was forced to go through and forced to deal with robbed me of the precious moments of motherhood in these precious years of his life . I feel like those first couple of years after we lost Aaron I was walking around in a fog . . . trying to breathe again and trying to figure out how to survive on my own . I was completely in survival mode . I have talked about this recently with other widows and they have the same memories about those first couple of years . . . living in shock and not being present emotionally . . . just in survival mode . I 'm struggling with it though . . . So , my son , my perfect and precious little boy , missed out on having a mother who was emotionally there and PRESENT in his life . . . and I missed out on so much that I could have been experiencing as a mom . That time is lost and I cannot get it back . And because I am a guilt monger , I am struggling right now to forgive myself . I wish I could have those years back . I would do things so much differently . I know I would still be grieving the loss of my husband and the lost dreams of a growing family , and I know I would still be feeling lonely and heartbroken , but if I knew then what I know now , I would focus more on him . I would grieve WITH him instead of grieving while closing myself off from the world . I was so selfish back then , I was so focused on my own loneliness , and didn 't think all too often about how lonely my child must have been . I am brought to tears and am overwhelmed with the thought of how lonely he was because of my selfishness . It literally has been breaking my heart lately when I think about it . My heart hurts so much right now for him . He was just so little and so did not understand at all what was going on . . . and I could have been so much better for him . All I have ever wanted to be for him was a wonderful mother . I wish so badly I could have heard all of this from a widow back then . If I had known a widow back then and they expressed thoughts like these . . . I would like to think that I would have tried harder not to have these types of regrets . So I guess that is a reason that I want to put these out here . . . I wish I had read something like this back then . I wish I could explain this better . I know in my heart what I am feeling , but it is difficult to explain . I just really wish I could start over . . . from the day Aaron died . I would truly go through it all again just for another chance to do things differently and be better for my son . I would go through pain a million times more painful if I could do it over again . . . for him . It is no secret that Aaron Jr wants brothers and sisters . He talks constantly about it . After I did the last posting about how he asks if we can do chores , I realized that he might not do that if he wasn 't so bored and so lonely that doing chores with me is something he gets to do WITH someone . If he had another child to play with , I am positive he would want to play instead . I am more present in his life now , but he doesn 't have as much fun with me as he would if he were able to hang out with a brother or a sister and play and pretend and wrestle . Yesterday in the car , Aaron was talking about his cousin who just turned 8 and got baptized . He asked me who was going to baptize him when he is 8 . This has been a subject on my mind ever since Aaron passed away . I hoped so badly that I would be married again by then so that he would have a dad who could do it . I then asked him who he would want to baptize him . He thought about it for a second and then told me who he would want to baptize him . I just feel like it is so unfair that these are issues he has to deal with . When I turned 8 , my dad was alive , so there was no question in my mind who would baptize me . I hate that my son has to even ask the question , ' Who is going to baptize me ? ' Why should he have to wonder that ? It is such a no brainer for a child whose dad is alive . I have been talking to Aaron lately about the things we want in our lives and that we should ask Heavenly Father for the things that we want . He knows that I want to get married again and I know that he wants brothers and sisters . So , lately , he has been praying that I will get married again and have brothers and sisters for him . In fact , I often do both . . . in the same conversation about dating . : ) I 'm lost . How do people meet each other these days ? I have no idea . I don 't know what I am supposed to be doing or where I am supposed to be to meet someone . But I know it is not going to be in my house that I meet someone . It has been suggested that I do a posting on this blog and ask all of you out in the blogging world to help me out in this . . . to think of the single LDS guys that you know who I could be set up with . But for some reason , it feels strange to actually go through with doing a posting like that . At the beginning of the year , I had this wonderful hope that this year was going to be MY year . Of course in my mind , that meant I would meet someone great and hopefully on my way to having a complete family again . I still have hope that it will happen . . . but have no idea where this person is and how we are supposed to meet each other . It is as much a foreign concept to me as it would be to try to speak fluent Chinese today . In this process , I feel like heaven has been silent . BUT , since I know that heaven is not silent if we have ears to hear . . . I know it must be that my life is too loud . In these past four plus years , I tend to have constant noise so that the loneliness does not consume me . I know it is my problem that I am not hearing the voice of the spirit answering my never ending pleas in this matter . I don 't think there is anything that I have ever prayed so fervently about . I guess I need to quiet my life . I need to be taught how to listen better and understand what the Lord is trying to tell me . * * * * * * * * * * * * * Aaron got to choose a prize at school for some reason and ended up with this Zhu Zhu Pet hamster . It had a four leaf clover on its back , so assuming it was for St Patrick 's Day , Aaron named it Patrick at first and Patch for short . Aaron came up with a clever way to buckle Patch into the car . I thought it was so funny . When Aaron and I first got married , he was asked to build these dressing rooms in a little clothing shop next door to Secret Haven and The Bun Basket . I went with him and we were there all evening and all night . I fell asleep on the floor and he finished these dressing rooms that night . It has been nearly 10 years now and that clothing business moved out . The new business going in wanted these out , so this is one last photo of them before they were removed that day . Conference weekend , Aaron kept asking me to go out and dig with him . . . so we went out between sessions on Saturday . He brought a piece of a p . u . s . s . y . willow that his teacher had given to him . He wanted to plant it . I didn 't have the heart to tell him that it will not grow again . He planted it and then watered it with his water gun . So , I keep forgetting to sign Aaron up for soccer , then I find out that it is too late . I guess I need to set an alarm for a few months away to remind myself . As I see other people 's photos of their kids playing soccer , I am sad that Aaron is still not on a team . What a lousy mom I am . He is fine with it since he doesn 't think he wants to play yet , but I really think he would enjoy it . Plus , I am prolonging being able to call myself a ' soccer mom ' . . . which means I am only hurting myself , right ? : ) Just kidding . Here is Aaron with their 6 kids . We sure did love having them around . The second day when most of the kids were at school and the two boys were at my sister 's house playing , Aaron asked if they were coming back . When I told him that they would be back , he said , " Yay ! I got to have brothers and sisters last night and I get to have brothers and sisters again today and I get to have brothers and sisters again tonight ! " What a sweet boy . He wants brothers and sisters so badly ! Road work being done on our street . Aaron was in heaven watching the big tractors doing their thing . Aaron and AlexisShe is about to turn 8 years old . I think Aaron got a little crush on her . . . he was so excited to see them again and said he wants them to live by us . He even did his hair that last day he was going to see her before they went home . SO cute . Alexis and Aaron . I mean Spiderwoman and Spiderman . Happy Birthday message to Grandma . In the bottom , right corner is the picture Aaron drew of her . My project during the month of March . They are now for sale at Secret Haven in Fruit Heights . Secret Haven Spring Open House opening night . My nieces in their school play . This awesome thing was at a park down in Utah County . I drew a black arrow pointing at Aaron Jr . He got really high . He is getting so big . . . While praying Aaron Jr asked for the Mouse and the Princess movie . ( The Tale of Despereaux ) ( April 2009 ) * * * Aaron : I like Jesus . He 's cute . ( April 2009 ) * * * While watching a toy commercial . Aaron : Mama , I want one of those . Me : You do ? Aaron : Yeah . We must get one for me . * * * Aaron stood behind me and put his arms around my neck . Aaron : How about a piggy back ? Me : Oh man , my back hurts so much . So he had a great idea . Aaron : How about a small piggy back ? I had to laugh and how could I resist ? * * * Me : Guess where you get to go tomorrow ? Aaron : Where ? Me : The dentist . He looked disappointed , so . . . Me : They are going to make sure all of the sugar bugs are off your teeth . Aaron : ( in a whiny voice ) No ! I don 't want the sugar bugs to be off . ( feb 2010 ) * * * Regarding his playdough : Aaron : What happened to this ? Me : I don 't know . . . what happened ? Aaron : I think it has mouse juice in it . Me : Mouse juice ? Aaron : It has rat juice in it . ( I have no idea , but I had to giggle ) * * * Aaron : Mom , did you know I don 't have a baby sister ? Me : Yeah , I did . ( with a sad tone to my voice ) Aaron : Yeah , we must get one for me . * * * Me : Aaron , were you a good boy in class today ? ( referring to church ) Aaron : Well , I didn 't hit my teacher . ( may 2010 ) * * * Me : Aaron , what happened to your lip ? ( which looked red and swollen on one side ) Aaron : Well , I was hungry . ( then pointing to his lip ) And this tastes good . * * * Aaron : My tummy hurts . I think I ate too many Starburst . I think pink bubble gum will make it feel better . * * * Aaron : Hey mommy wait ! Jesus Christ makes everyone 's big owies feel better . Me : You 're right ! Is He making yours feel better ? Aaron : ( head nod ) * * * Out of the blue . . . Aaron : Jesus Christ built us with instructions . * * * Aaron : Mom , I know where the food goes . ( pointing to his chest as though showing where the food goes down ) Me : Wow , good job ! Aaron : Now tell me I 'm a genius . Me : ( while giggling ) You 're a genius ! * * * The smoke alarm kept going off and we were scrambling to open doors and fan the smoke aw " It is wonderful to know that our Heavenly Father loves us - - even with all our flaws ! His love is such that even should we give up on ourselves , He never will . " We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today . Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever . Although we might settle for less , Heavenly Father won 't , for He sees us as the glorious beings we are capable of becoming . " - Joseph B Wirthlin . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ . . I have been addicted to taking photos and then transforming them in Photoshop . I can 't seem to stay away from it lately . I took these three photos at the top , then photoshopped them together and the finished product is the one long photo at the bottom . This is CRATER LAKE in Oregon . Isn 't it gorgeous ? |
Aside from a creative writing piece I did in high school , I have never written down the events of this day before . The creative writing piece was something that did not have all of the details and was written as something to be graded in class . So , today I wanted to write down the events of this day , April 26 , 1985 . Each time I have ever told this story in person , I have always started to shake and my voice would get shaky and it would be hard to talk and even hard to breathe . . . even if I didn 't cry , I have always started to shake with my voice shaking . So many of the events of the day have always remained so clear in my mind . . . I really feel something when I tell it . Also , for years and years and years after it happened , I could not drive past an accident scene with ambulances there and not cry and feel the emotions of the day start to return . It has been a long time since I have cried as I tell this story , but for some reason , I am extra emotional this year . . . and I felt like it was time to finally write down the events of the day . It may seem choppy at times , but I wanted the details in it the best I could . We lived in a little town called Lawson , Missouri . It was a small town and we all loved living there . The people were wonderful and we all had great friends . My parents were out of town . They were on a temple trip in Dallas , Texas . That is a long way from Lawson , Missouri , but that was the temple district that we lived in . So my parents had taken a trip with other people from our church down to Dallas to attend the temple . I don 't remember how long they were meant to be gone , but I think it was going to be a few days . My oldest brother , Richard ( 19 years old ) , was on a two year mission for our church in Sweden , so he was also away . My oldest sister , Karey ( 20 years old ) , was left in charge of the rest of us kids , Nairn , Bruce , Robert , Lorianne , John , Lisa , Leslie ( me ) , Spencer , and Mark , ( all ranging in age from 17 down to 3 years old ) . I cannot even imagine having to deal with this type of day as a 20 year old and having to keep it together for all of my younger siblings . Karey was amazing . April 26 , 1985 was prom night at the high school . My brother Nairn had already left on his date and my brother Bruce had only just turned 16 , so he didn 't have a date and was to be an usher at the dance . Karey had let some of us kids invite friends over that night for a sleepover and to watch movies . She had rented Superman 4 and The Elephant Man . I still have never seen The Elephant Man and I am okay with that . That afternoon , Bruce was going to drive into town to pick up his tuxedo . So , since we lived out in the country , the trip to town was going to include three errands : pick up Bruce 's tuxedo , pick up Robert from track practice , and pick up John 's , Lisa 's , and my friends for the sleepover . It was fun to ride into town and Mark decided to ride along , Spencer was going to , but at the last minute changed his mind saying he was tired . So , we headed into town on our little gravel road in our little yellow Plymouth Horizon . Seat belts were not a part of every day life back then . In fact , us kids were known to regularly be standing up in the back so that we could see out the front window . Part way to town , there was a little one lane wooden bridge that only one car could fit on at a time . I don 't remember the name of the little creek that ran below the bridge . There had been fresh gravel laid down recently , which seems to make it a little more dangerous to drive on until it is packed down . As we approached the little bridge , something started to go wrong . When all was said and done , Mark mentioned seeing a big rock in the middle of the bridge and he thought that was why Bruce started to try to brake . Anyway , that car had brake issues in the past and when he started to brake , it seemed to begin losing control and it began to fishtail in the deep gravel and Bruce yelled , " Hold On ! " At that point , the car went off to the left side and missed the bridge entirely and was airborne . Who knows what was really seen in the middle of the bridge , maybe nothing . . . or maybe a big rock . We don 't know . After the car flew off the edge and down into the ravine , the next thing I remember after that was waking up inside the car . The car was tipped up on the passenger side . I seemed to be the first one to wake up and I looked for a way out of the car . I don 't remember if a window had been rolled down or if it had broken out , but I crawled out of a window onto the embankment . I went to stand up , but something was wrong . As I tried to put weight on my left leg , it hyper extended all the way at the knee and I collapsed . I was so scared . . . in my eight year old mind , all I could imagine was that they were going to have to cut my leg off . I kept lifting the bottom half of my leg up because it seemed so strange that it was bending the wrong way . . . I was so scared . So , I sat there looking around . I hadn 't realized that Mark was not in the car , but he came walking down the hill towards me . He was 3 years old and seemed to be completely fine . I sure wish I could remember all of the conversations we all had with each other throughout this ordeal . We were all so scared . As I looked over the situation , I realized that the car had landed on the opposite embankment from where it had traveled off of the drop off and the car was facing down the hill towards the creek . So , once it was airborne , it must have flipped over and landed on its side . As I looked down at the car , I realized that I could see Bruce , but only the back of his head . I couldn 't make it down to him , but in my heart I wondered if he was still alive or not . . . and I figured he was not . Lisa was the next one out of the car and she could barely walk . She said she was going to go for help . I wish I could remember our whole conversation , but it seemed like she was out and then gone pretty quickly . I do remember that she carefully went down to where we could see Bruce and gave him a kiss or a hug or something . . . I wish I could remember that better as well . Then she left to go and get help . She had such a hard time walking and climbing up the hill , she was hurting . She was only 9 . A little while after Lisa left , I started hearing sounds come from the car . I could hear John in there trying to get out of the car . He had been in the passenger seat and had been pinned under where Bruce was laying . I could hear him working hard to make it up to the top of the car and he finally made it out of the driver side window and rested there for a bit . He looked exhausted as though he had just run a marathon . He had to do it all using only one arm and you could tell he was in a lot of pain . He couldn 't move his arm and had blood running down his face from his right cheek . Once he made it down to the ground , he asked where Lisa was and I told him she had gone for help , so he decided to go and try to find her and help her . He was only 11 . They were both so young to be having the responsibility of searching for help . After he had left , Mark and I were left there on the hill next to the car , staring down at the creek and at Bruce . It was a hot and humid day . At one point , I remember Mark , my three year old brother , asking me if I wanted to lay on his lap , and I think I did . As I got older , when I would think back , I have always been amazed that my brother , who was only three , would think to offer his lap for me to lay on . As we were sitting there , there were cars driving over the bridge above us . If they would have only looked down , they would have seen the nightmare we were in . But if I remember correctly , we were at least 30 feet down from the bridge . Anyway , Mark and I began yelling up to the bridge every time a car would drive over . Because it was so hot , people had their windows up with the air conditioning on . No one could hear us . We were screaming our little hearts out and we could not be heard . I don 't remember how many cars and trucks drove across that bridge , but it seems like we were sitting there for so long . Finally , a pick up truck drove across and their windows were down . We yelled and they looked down and slammed on their brakes . It was a man and his wife and they both came down to see how we were . His wife ran back up to the truck to use their CB to call for help . Over the years , I have always wished I could have told the man and his wife Thank You . They were there with us at a very difficult time . While the wife was gone to her truck , the man was crouched down in front of us , in our line of sight to Bruce , and he was talking to us . I asked him if they were going to cut my leg off . He told me no . At one point , Mark said " Bruce is dead " , and the man told us that he wasn 't and that he would be fine . Again , I was amazed at my three year old brother , he was just so aware of things . His wife finally came back down and took Mark up to the truck with her . The man stayed there with me until help arrived . Paramedics came down with a stretcher and cut my pants . They carried me up the hill to the road and put me on the gravel road . I don 't know it this is a true memory or if it is something that has concerned me since then , but I feel like I remember being worried about Bruce being down there all by himself once they brought me up to the road . I hate the thought of him being left down there without any of his family with him . I sure wish I could have said good bye to him . My sister reminded me in a comment on here that she actually came down to where I was down below before they took me up to the road . I had forgotten that . She held my hand and sat with me there and then she mentioned that she went to go and find John and Lisa . I remember they kept trying to put a mask over my mouth , but I wouldn 't let them . I was so scared . I didn 't know what to think or what was happening . I remember seeing Mark in the back of an ambulance . And the next thing I remember was that Karey came back . She came and told me it was okay and after she was there , I finally let them put the mask over my mouth . I needed her . I don 't remember how long I was there on the ground , but I was eventually carried over to the life flight helicopter that had landed a little way from the bridge . John was in the life flight with me . I remember trying to go to sleep , I felt so tired , but they wouldn 't let me . They kept saying my name and telling me I had to stay awake . I didn 't understand why . I was so tired , I jut wanted to sleep . I know now that I was in shock and they had to keep me awake . When we landed in Kansas City , it was at the Primary Children 's Hospital there . I remember we landed on a rooftop and they rushed us on gurneys through what seemed like a big tube into the hospital . I remember the room was really white and really bright and it seemed like they were finally allowing me to go to sleep . As I layed there , I remember hearing John screaming from another room . I didn 't know what was wrong . It was scary . His screams from the other room were what I went to sleep hearing . Lisa and John had finally made it to a house and were able to call for help . The first house Lisa went to , no one was home , so she had to keep walking . Houses are not close together there . They also called Karey , who did not have a car and had to run to the neighbors house and ask them for a ride to the bridge . Lori and Spencer were with her . Spencer had a disease in his hip at the time called leg perthes and was in a leg brace , it ended up being a blessing that he was too tired to ride along with us . Robert , who was waiting for us at track practice , finally got a ride home with his coach . When they got to the fork in the road and it was closed off , they knew something must have happened to us , so they drove the long way around and finally arrived . . . Lori ran to Robert to let him know what had happened . Lisa and Mark had been taken by ambulance to a closer hospital , treated , and then released . Lisa had torn ligaments and bruises all over her body . Mark , who had a cast on his arm from a broken arm previous to the accident , came away from the accident with only a little bruise on his ear . What a blessing . We like to think that an angel carried Mark out of the car by his ear before it hit the ground , and that is what gave him the bruise . Poor Richard on his mission in Sweden had to find out through his mission president on the phone . He was completely alone and my heart breaks when I think about what he went through alone in a foreign country . He was missed . The next day , I woke up in the hospital . I woke up and I was in traction . My left femur was broken completely in half and the bones had moved past each other , so they had drilled a hole through whatever my shin bone is called and had attached weights to it at the end of my bed so that the weights could slowly pull my bone back into alignment . John was my room mate . He had a crushed shoulder blade , a broken finger , and a huge gash on his cheek . That day when I woke up , I remember Karey coming into my hospital room to talk to me . We were alone and she broke the news to me that Bruce had died . I remember crying and realizing that what we figured in the beginning was true . But my reaction to her news proved that I had chosen to believe that he would be okay and to have hope . What a blow . It was devastating news and our hearts were all broken . After she told me , I remember my hospital door opening and a flood of people coming into my room . Relatives , including my parents . They had come back . I remember watching at the end of my bed and seeing my dad ask Karey , " Did you tell her ? " , and she said yes . Bruce had died from suffocation . What had happened was that somehow the passenger door came open and he was thrown across the car , the door closed on his neck and must have made it so he could not breathe . We like to imagine that he was taken before the car hit . . . that he did not suffer . That is our hope . The way my parents had found out about it all is so very sad . They were in the temple and after one of the temple sessions had ended , they were asked to meet with the temple president in his office . They assumed they were going to be asked to help with something , but instead , he sat them down and had to break the news to them . Here is their story in their own words : From that moment , all our attention and all our prayers were directed toward the other four of our children . We were driven to the Dallas - Ft . Worth Airport , and sat for what seemed like hours waiting for a flight to Kansas City . We wept and prayed and wept and prayed . It was terrible , Finally , we got on the airplane , and wept and prayed , and worried about the four other children . We were picked up at the Kansas City Airport by a friend , and he was able to tell us that NONE of the other four were in danger . We had suffered the hardest blow of our entire lives , but we were instantly filled with the most intense gratitude you can imagine . I had felt when our tenth child ( Spencer ) was born that Heavenly Father might take a " tithe " of our children home to him , and to learn that there was nothing further required of us was a GREAT relief . We spent the rest of that night and the next day focusing on our injured children , but thrilled to find all of them in relative GOOD condition considering . I think that gratitude is focusing on what Heavenly Father has given us ; not on what He hasn 't given us . Ever after that night we THANKED Heavenly Father for the sixteen years He gave us with Bruce ; and Now that I am a mother , I cannot even imagine what my parents were going through as they were so far away from all of us when tragedy struck . I have been amazed at my parents after all of this . You could imagine them becoming bitter and not wanting to go to the temple much after losing a child while they were AT the temple , but they went the opposite direction . They attend the temple every chance they get , they have been such great examples of temple attendance of anyone I have ever known . . . they are drawn to the temple because of the importance of it . They chose to cling to the gospel and turn to the Lord for strength and have faith and hope in Him . I sure love my parents . I remember a few days after being in the hospital , watching John getting dressed . I asked him where he was going and he said he was going to Bruce 's funeral . I couldn 't believe that I was not going to get to go to the funeral . Ever since that time , I have always felt like I was robbed of an experience that seems so necessary to be able to say good bye to a loved one . Going to a funeral of a loved one has always been sad , but uplifting at the same time . It helps to give closure and you get to feel uplifted as you hear about the wonderful things they accomplished in life and also you get to hear about the plan of our Father in Heaven , knowing that there is life after this and that we will see each other again . I always felt like I did not get to experience the closure that a funeral can bring . But it was just not possible for me to go . One day , I remember they gave me a shot to try to get me to go to sleep . I didn 't know what they were planning to do , but I forced myself to stay awake because the last time that happened , I woke up with a pin in my leg . . . I didn 't want to do that again . Because I was still awake , they had to do whatever they were going to do with me awake and I remember them unscrewing the screw from my bone . It was a strange feeling , but I was glad I was awake . My mom left for the day after that happened and I remember that the tutor who would come and do school with me each day came into my room after I had come back from that . She was not a very nice lady and I didn 't like her to come . I was glad that my mom had seen her enter my room because she came back and told the tutor that she didn 't want me to have a tutor that day and that I needed some rest . Thanks Mom . I remember getting a lot of cards and letters and flowers and other stuff while I was in the hospital . It made me feel special . I was in the hospital for at least 10 days , I can 't remember how many for sure though . Not long after that day , they put a cast on me . It was a full body cast . It went all the way up to my chest , down my whole left leg and halfway down my right leg , with a bar put in between my legs to keep it stable . There is a photo below . I 'm not gonna lie , I got really fast in that cast . I ran around all summer in that thing . If I remember correctly , I broke the cast at least twice near the feet from running on it so much and they had to recast it each time . The deep sorrow that is felt in your heart when you lose a close loved one cannot be described . Every aspect of life is changed by it and it can never be the same again . You have to find a way to live life in a new way and by doing that , you feel like you are ' moving on ' from the memory of the one who was lost . . . but in reality you have to find a way to move forward while carrying them and their influence in your life with you as you go . something that all of us are so grateful for . I am grateful for the life that Bruce was able to live . In those short 16 years , he accomplished a lot and he was one of the most amazing people I have ever known . I am grateful for the Plan of Happiness and for our knowledge of Eternal Families . I have tried to teach Aaron how to ride his bike so many times . When we still lived in Lehi , a neighbor gave Aaron a little blue bike . So we went and bought training wheels and put them on and he did ride around on that some . After we moved , I took the training wheels off because they were bending and not on there properly anymore and I thought it would be a good time to try to teach him how to ride it without training wheels . So I tried to teach him how to ride it about a year and a half ago , and he was not having it . He said he didn 't ever want to ride a bike until he was he was a lot older . He was nervous and I could tell it was not going to happen yet . So , the bike got put away and I didn 't push him to try again . Then one day last month , Aaron saw some kids out riding bikes and when we got home he said he wanted to ride his bike . So we got it out and it was WAY too small . I think it was a little too small the last time , but it would have worked . . . but this time , NO WAY ! But since he was finally asking to ride a bike , I figured that it was a good time to invest in a bike . We checked at the local thrift shop first , but nothing good . So we went over to Wal Mart . I decided to use the rest of my birthday money to buy him a bike and a helmet . I figured it was worth it since once he learns to ride , we will be able to ride together and that is fun for me and it will be like a birthday gift for me as well . : ) When we got home , he was so excited . He got all ready , we put on his helmet and he started coaching me about how to coach him . I had these grand visions of him being ready so that meant he was going to be able to ride really well that very day . : ) Not what happened . I held onto the bike for the first little while , then I told him that I was going to let go and let him try . He fought me on that , but finally agreed to try . So I let go of him and off he went . . . he rode for a bit and then it scared him and he stopped pedaling and started to curve down towards the curb . . . he hit the curb and fell over . It was at that point when he was ready to be done . I would not let him be done though . . . we stayed out for another while just so he didn 't have that crash be his last memory of the day . After that day , he said he wanted to take his bike back to the store and never wanted to ride a bike again . I told him that we could not take it back and that since I used my birthday money , I wanted him to keep it and keep trying . ( horrible of me to use that one on him ) . So he got some money out and wanted to pay me back for the bike . . . didn 't come close to enough , but I thought it was cute though . So funny . Our 91 year old widow next door tried to use reverse psychology on him and even told Aaron that she would have his bike if he didn 't want it and he looked at her and said " Thank you " in a really relieved tone . That didn 't work either . Thanks anyway for trying Hazel . : ) After that day , my sister Lori told me about how her husband Scott taught their 6 year old daughter . He taught her how to stop first so that she knew how to stop once she started . So they practiced using the brakes first . . . then it helped her to know that she was in control . So I decided to try that with Aaron . He was still really nervous and I wasn 't allowed to let go , but I did try to every once in a while . Lori even helped me one day and we took turns running while holding on to his bike . Thanks Lori . . . and Scott for the method of learning to stop first . He got the stopping thing down and I knew it would be soon . So we got back to their house and he said that all he had to do was hold on to Aaron 's shirt so Aaron thought he was helping him and then he let go and Aaron was riding . He had promised to take Aaron to 7 - 11 and get a Slurpee for him if he would ride the bike and I guess that was the incentive he needed . Thanks Steve ! The photo above is of Steve and Aaron after we got back and Aaron showed me in the dark how he could ride a bike . I was SO PROUD ! ! ! Isaac came up behind so he could get in on the action in the photo . : ) when I was little , I would be out playing with my brothers and sisters and if a ' biker ' , a man on a motorcycle , went speeding by , we would chant " Hot Rod . . . in the city " . We make fun of ourselves now for doing that . We were kids . * * * * * * * * * * * My sister and I were chatting last night and we were both talking about some of our own personal struggles to do with trials we are experiencing . . . then she told me she had been directed by someone to THIS TALK that is below and said she was going to read it and encouraged me to do the same . So , tonight I read it and cried all the way through it because I know that it is true . Of course , things are always easier said than done , but I do want so badly to follow the teachings in these words and trust in the Lord . It rang so true to me tonight , I knew I needed to post it on here for myself as a reminder and for anyone else who might need to read it . Trust In The Lordby Elder Richard G Scottof the Quorum of the Twelve Apostlesgiven in General Conference in October 1995 It is so hard when sincere prayer about something we desire very much is not answered the way we want . It is especially difficult when the Lord answers no to that which is worthy and would give us great joy and happiness . Whether it be overcoming illness or loneliness , recovery of a wayward child , coping with a handicap , or seeking continuing life for a dear one who is slipping away , it seems so reasonable and so consistent with our happiness to have a favorable answer . It is hard to understand why our exercise of deep and sincere faith from an obedient life does not bring the desired result . No one wants adversity . Trials , disappointments , sadness , and heartache come to us from two basically different sources . Those who transgress the laws of God will always have those challenges . The other reason for adversity is to accomplish the Lord 's own purposes in our life that we may receive the refinement that comes from testing . It is vitally important for each of us to identify from which of these two sources come our trials and challenges , for the corrective action is very different . If you are suffering the disheartening effects of transgression , please recognize that the only path to permanent relief from sadness is sincere repentance with a broken heart and a contrite spirit . Realize your full dependence upon the Lord and your need to align your life with His teachings . There is really no other way to get lasting healing and peace . Postponing humble repentance will delay or prevent your receiving relief . Admit to yourself your mistakes and seek help now . Your bishop is a friend with keys of authority to help you find peace of mind and contentment . The way will be opened for you to have strength to repent and be forgiven . Just when all seems to be going right , challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously . When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience , they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more ( see Prov . 3 : 11 - 12 ) . He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth , understanding , and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit . To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching , and that generally entails discomfort and pain . When you face adversity , you can be led to ask many questions . Some serve a useful purpose ; others do not . To ask , Why does this have to happen to me ? Why do I have to suffer this , now ? What have I done to cause this ? will lead you into blind alleys . It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God . Rather ask , What am I to do ? What am I to learn from this experience ? What am I to change ? Whom am I to help ? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial ? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do . Yet , when you pray with real conviction , " Please let me know Thy will " and " May Thy will be done , " you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father . This life is an experience in profound trust - trust in Jesus Christ , trust in His teachings , trust in our capacity as led by the Holy Spirit to obey those teachings for happiness now and for a purposeful , supremely happy eternal existence . To trust means to obey willingly without knowing the end from the beginning ( see Prov . 3 : 5 - 7 ) . To produce fruit , your trust in the Lord must be more powerful and enduring than your confidence in your own personal feelings and experience . To exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing with you and that He can accomplish it for your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it . We are like infants in our understanding of eternal matters and their impact on us here in mortality . Yet at times we act as if we knew it all . When you pass through trials for His purposes , as you trust Him , exercise faith in Him , He will help you . That support will generally come step by step , a portion at a time . While you are passing through each phase , the pain and difficulty that comes from being enlarged will continue . If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition , you could not grow . Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly . They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love . As in all things , the Master is our perfect example . Who could have asked with more perfect faith , greater obedience , or more complete understanding than did He when He asked His Father in Gethsemane : " O my Father , if it be possible , let this cup pass from me : nevertheless not as I will , but as thou wilt " ( Matt . 26 : 39 ) . Later He pled twice again : " O my Father , if this cup may not pass away from me , except I drink it , thy will be done " ( Matt . 26 : 42 ; see also Matt . 26 : 44 ) . How grateful I am personally that our Savior taught we should conclude our most urgent , deeply felt prayers , when we ask for that which is of utmost importance to us , with " Thy will be done " ( Matt . 26 : 42 ) . Your willingness to accept the will of the Father will not change what in His wisdom He has chosen to do . However , it will certainly change the effect of those decisions on you personally . That evidence of the proper exercise of agency allows His decisions to produce far greater blessings in your life . I have found that because of our Father 's desire for us to grow , He may give us gentle , almost imperceptible promptings that , if we are willing to accept without complaint , He will enlarge to become a very clear indication of His will . This enlightenment comes because of our faith and our willingness to do what He asks even though we would desire something else . Our Father in Heaven has invited you to express your needs , hopes , and desires unto Him . That should not be done in a spirit of negotiation , but rather as a willingness to obey His will no matter what direction that takes . His invitation , " Ask , and ye shall receive " ( 3 Ne . 27 : 29 ) does not assure that you will get what you want . It does guarantee that , if worthy , you will get what you need , as judged by a Father that loves you perfectly , who wants your eternal happiness even more than do you . I testify that when the Lord closes one important door in your life , He shows His continuing love and compassion by opening many other compensating doors through your exercise of faith . He will place in your path packets of spiritual sunlight to brighten your way . They often come after the trial has been the greatest , as evidence of the compassion and love of an all - knowing Father . They point the way to greater happiness , more understanding , and strengthen your determination to accept and be obedient to His will . It is a singularly marvelous blessing to have faith in the Savior and a testimony of His teachings . So few in the world have that brilliant light to guide them . The fulness of the restored gospel gives perspective , purpose , and understanding . It allows us to face what otherwise appear to be unjust , unfair , unreasonable challenges in life . Learn those helpful truths by pondering the Book of Mormon and other scriptures . Try to understand those teachings not only with your mind but also with your heart . True enduring happiness with the accompanying strength , courage , and capacity to overcome the most challenging difficulties comes from a life centered in Jesus Christ . Obedience to His teachings provides a sure foundation upon which to build . That takes effort . There is no guarantee of overnight results , but there is absolute assurance that , in the Lord 's time , solutions will come , peace will prevail , and emptiness will be filled . Don 't let the workings of adversity totally absorb your life . Try to understand what you can . Act where you are able ; then let the matter rest with the Lord for a period while you give to others in worthy ways before you take on appropriate concern again . Please learn that as you wrestle with a challenge and feel sadness because of it , you can simultaneously have peace and rejoicing . Yes , pain , disappointment , frustration , and anguish can be temporary scenes played out on the stage of life . Behind them there can be a background of peace and the positive assurance that a loving Father will keep His promises . You can qualify for those promises by a determination to accept His will , by understanding the plan of happiness , by receiving all of the ordinances , and by keeping the covenants made to assure their fulfillment . The Lord 's plan is to exalt you to live with Him and be greatly blessed . The rate at which you qualify is generally set by your capacity to mature , to grow , to love , and to give of yourself . He is preparing you to be a god . You cannot understand fully what that means , yet , He knows . As you trust Him , seek and follow His will , you will receive blessings that your finite mind cannot understand here on earth . Your Father in Heaven and His Holy Son know better than you what brings happiness . They have given you the plan of happiness . As you understand and follow it , happiness will be your blessing . As you willingly obey , receive , and honor the ordinances and covenants of that holy plan , you can have the greatest measure of satisfaction in this life . Yes , even times of overpowering happiness . You will prepare yourself for an eternity of glorious life with your loved ones who qualify for that kingdom . I know the principles that we have discussed are true . They have been tested in the crucible of personal experience . To recognize the hand of the Lord in your life and to accept His will without complaint is a beginning . That decision does not immediately eliminate the struggles that will come for your growth . But I witness that it is the best way there is for you to find strength and understanding . It will free you from the dead ends of your own reasoning . It will allow your life to become a productive , meaningful experience , when otherwise you may not know how to go on ( see D & C 24 : 8 ) . I testify that you have a Heavenly Father who loves you . I witness that the Savior gave His life for your happiness . I know Him . He understands your every need . I positively know that as you accept Their will without complaint , They will bless and sustain you . In the name of Jesus Christ , amen . I have been sick for the better part of a month . This has been my worst season EVER when it comes to coming down with sickness throughout a winter . I have had a wicked and brutal case of bronchitis that has had me down for the count and I have just developed what I believe might be strep throat and a double ear infection . Aaron Jr has loose teeth . This may not seem like a bad thing , but to me . . . it is so very sad . He has grown up teeth coming in and everything that happens in his life that is a sign that he is growing up makes me want time to slow down even more . I have been watching old videos a little bit lately . . . videos from a few years ago , in those first couple of years after Aaron passed away . These videos make me happy , but they also have been causing me a lot of pain because of regret . When I watch Aaron Jr in those videos , I grieve for the little boy that is no longer here . Not that I don 't want Aaron Jr to be the boy he is today , but in those couple of years of his life , I was there physically , but not present emotionally . When I watch the videos of this little tiny boy who still needed me in order to survive , I feel so guilty . SO guilty . I was there in his life taking care of his physical needs , but I feel like I was not present so much of the time . I feel like what I was forced to go through and forced to deal with robbed me of the precious moments of motherhood in these precious years of his life . I feel like those first couple of years after we lost Aaron I was walking around in a fog . . . trying to breathe again and trying to figure out how to survive on my own . I was completely in survival mode . I have talked about this recently with other widows and they have the same memories about those first couple of years . . . living in shock and not being present emotionally . . . just in survival mode . I 'm struggling with it though . . . So , my son , my perfect and precious little boy , missed out on having a mother who was emotionally there and PRESENT in his life . . . and I missed out on so much that I could have been experiencing as a mom . That time is lost and I cannot get it back . And because I am a guilt monger , I am struggling right now to forgive myself . I wish I could have those years back . I would do things so much differently . I know I would still be grieving the loss of my husband and the lost dreams of a growing family , and I know I would still be feeling lonely and heartbroken , but if I knew then what I know now , I would focus more on him . I would grieve WITH him instead of grieving while closing myself off from the world . I was so selfish back then , I was so focused on my own loneliness , and didn 't think all too often about how lonely my child must have been . I am brought to tears and am overwhelmed with the thought of how lonely he was because of my selfishness . It literally has been breaking my heart lately when I think about it . My heart hurts so much right now for him . He was just so little and so did not understand at all what was going on . . . and I could have been so much better for him . All I have ever wanted to be for him was a wonderful mother . I wish so badly I could have heard all of this from a widow back then . If I had known a widow back then and they expressed thoughts like these . . . I would like to think that I would have tried harder not to have these types of regrets . So I guess that is a reason that I want to put these out here . . . I wish I had read something like this back then . I wish I could explain this better . I know in my heart what I am feeling , but it is difficult to explain . I just really wish I could start over . . . from the day Aaron died . I would truly go through it all again just for another chance to do things differently and be better for my son . I would go through pain a million times more painful if I could do it over again . . . for him . It is no secret that Aaron Jr wants brothers and sisters . He talks constantly about it . After I did the last posting about how he asks if we can do chores , I realized that he might not do that if he wasn 't so bored and so lonely that doing chores with me is something he gets to do WITH someone . If he had another child to play with , I am positive he would want to play instead . I am more present in his life now , but he doesn 't have as much fun with me as he would if he were able to hang out with a brother or a sister and play and pretend and wrestle . Yesterday in the car , Aaron was talking about his cousin who just turned 8 and got baptized . He asked me who was going to baptize him when he is 8 . This has been a subject on my mind ever since Aaron passed away . I hoped so badly that I would be married again by then so that he would have a dad who could do it . I then asked him who he would want to baptize him . He thought about it for a second and then told me who he would want to baptize him . I just feel like it is so unfair that these are issues he has to deal with . When I turned 8 , my dad was alive , so there was no question in my mind who would baptize me . I hate that my son has to even ask the question , ' Who is going to baptize me ? ' Why should he have to wonder that ? It is such a no brainer for a child whose dad is alive . I have been talking to Aaron lately about the things we want in our lives and that we should ask Heavenly Father for the things that we want . He knows that I want to get married again and I know that he wants brothers and sisters . So , lately , he has been praying that I will get married again and have brothers and sisters for him . In fact , I often do both . . . in the same conversation about dating . : ) I 'm lost . How do people meet each other these days ? I have no idea . I don 't know what I am supposed to be doing or where I am supposed to be to meet someone . But I know it is not going to be in my house that I meet someone . It has been suggested that I do a posting on this blog and ask all of you out in the blogging world to help me out in this . . . to think of the single LDS guys that you know who I could be set up with . But for some reason , it feels strange to actually go through with doing a posting like that . At the beginning of the year , I had this wonderful hope that this year was going to be MY year . Of course in my mind , that meant I would meet someone great and hopefully on my way to having a complete family again . I still have hope that it will happen . . . but have no idea where this person is and how we are supposed to meet each other . It is as much a foreign concept to me as it would be to try to speak fluent Chinese today . In this process , I feel like heaven has been silent . BUT , since I know that heaven is not silent if we have ears to hear . . . I know it must be that my life is too loud . In these past four plus years , I tend to have constant noise so that the loneliness does not consume me . I know it is my problem that I am not hearing the voice of the spirit answering my never ending pleas in this matter . I don 't think there is anything that I have ever prayed so fervently about . I guess I need to quiet my life . I need to be taught how to listen better and understand what the Lord is trying to tell me . * * * * * * * * * * * * * Aaron got to choose a prize at school for some reason and ended up with this Zhu Zhu Pet hamster . It had a four leaf clover on its back , so assuming it was for St Patrick 's Day , Aaron named it Patrick at first and Patch for short . Aaron came up with a clever way to buckle Patch into the car . I thought it was so funny . When Aaron and I first got married , he was asked to build these dressing rooms in a little clothing shop next door to Secret Haven and The Bun Basket . I went with him and we were there all evening and all night . I fell asleep on the floor and he finished these dressing rooms that night . It has been nearly 10 years now and that clothing business moved out . The new business going in wanted these out , so this is one last photo of them before they were removed that day . Conference weekend , Aaron kept asking me to go out and dig with him . . . so we went out between sessions on Saturday . He brought a piece of a p . u . s . s . y . willow that his teacher had given to him . He wanted to plant it . I didn 't have the heart to tell him that it will not grow again . He planted it and then watered it with his water gun . So , I keep forgetting to sign Aaron up for soccer , then I find out that it is too late . I guess I need to set an alarm for a few months away to remind myself . As I see other people 's photos of their kids playing soccer , I am sad that Aaron is still not on a team . What a lousy mom I am . He is fine with it since he doesn 't think he wants to play yet , but I really think he would enjoy it . Plus , I am prolonging being able to call myself a ' soccer mom ' . . . which means I am only hurting myself , right ? : ) Just kidding . Here is Aaron with their 6 kids . We sure did love having them around . The second day when most of the kids were at school and the two boys were at my sister 's house playing , Aaron asked if they were coming back . When I told him that they would be back , he said , " Yay ! I got to have brothers and sisters last night and I get to have brothers and sisters again today and I get to have brothers and sisters again tonight ! " What a sweet boy . He wants brothers and sisters so badly ! Road work being done on our street . Aaron was in heaven watching the big tractors doing their thing . Aaron and AlexisShe is about to turn 8 years old . I think Aaron got a little crush on her . . . he was so excited to see them again and said he wants them to live by us . He even did his hair that last day he was going to see her before they went home . SO cute . Alexis and Aaron . I mean Spiderwoman and Spiderman . Happy Birthday message to Grandma . In the bottom , right corner is the picture Aaron drew of her . My project during the month of March . They are now for sale at Secret Haven in Fruit Heights . Secret Haven Spring Open House opening night . My nieces in their school play . This awesome thing was at a park down in Utah County . I drew a black arrow pointing at Aaron Jr . He got really high . He is getting so big . . . While praying Aaron Jr asked for the Mouse and the Princess movie . ( The Tale of Despereaux ) ( April 2009 ) * * * Aaron : I like Jesus . He 's cute . ( April 2009 ) * * * While watching a toy commercial . Aaron : Mama , I want one of those . Me : You do ? Aaron : Yeah . We must get one for me . * * * Aaron stood behind me and put his arms around my neck . Aaron : How about a piggy back ? Me : Oh man , my back hurts so much . So he had a great idea . Aaron : How about a small piggy back ? I had to laugh and how could I resist ? * * * Me : Guess where you get to go tomorrow ? Aaron : Where ? Me : The dentist . He looked disappointed , so . . . Me : They are going to make sure all of the sugar bugs are off your teeth . Aaron : ( in a whiny voice ) No ! I don 't want the sugar bugs to be off . ( feb 2010 ) * * * Regarding his playdough : Aaron : What happened to this ? Me : I don 't know . . . what happened ? Aaron : I think it has mouse juice in it . Me : Mouse juice ? Aaron : It has rat juice in it . ( I have no idea , but I had to giggle ) * * * Aaron : Mom , did you know I don 't have a baby sister ? Me : Yeah , I did . ( with a sad tone to my voice ) Aaron : Yeah , we must get one for me . * * * Me : Aaron , were you a good boy in class today ? ( referring to church ) Aaron : Well , I didn 't hit my teacher . ( may 2010 ) * * * Me : Aaron , what happened to your lip ? ( which looked red and swollen on one side ) Aaron : Well , I was hungry . ( then pointing to his lip ) And this tastes good . * * * Aaron : My tummy hurts . I think I ate too many Starburst . I think pink bubble gum will make it feel better . * * * Aaron : Hey mommy wait ! Jesus Christ makes everyone 's big owies feel better . Me : You 're right ! Is He making yours feel better ? Aaron : ( head nod ) * * * Out of the blue . . . Aaron : Jesus Christ built us with instructions . * * * Aaron : Mom , I know where the food goes . ( pointing to his chest as though showing where the food goes down ) Me : Wow , good job ! Aaron : Now tell me I 'm a genius . Me : ( while giggling ) You 're a genius ! * * * The smoke alarm kept going off and we were scrambling to open doors and fan the smoke aw " It is wonderful to know that our Heavenly Father loves us - - even with all our flaws ! His love is such that even should we give up on ourselves , He never will . " We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today . Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever . Although we might settle for less , Heavenly Father won 't , for He sees us as the glorious beings we are capable of becoming . " - Joseph B Wirthlin . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ . . I have been addicted to taking photos and then transforming them in Photoshop . I can 't seem to stay away from it lately . I took these three photos at the top , then photoshopped them together and the finished product is the one long photo at the bottom . This is CRATER LAKE in Oregon . Isn 't it gorgeous ? |
Hey Queendalers ! So if you guessed " Hawks " you guessed right ! I couldn 't resist using our loveable mascot as a code word ! Next week 's code will be a pretty easy one as well , in honor of it being my final post . But we will get to that later . Onto the post ! So since Sarah and Ricky rescued Evanglina from Jake and Henria , Ricky has been spending a lot of time with her . It 's almost as if they are trying to make up for eighteen lost years in just a month ! I spotted them Thursday afternoon hanging out at McDoogles . They had a nice lunch of burgers and fries and then played some of the arcade games . I even caught them playing a game of foosball at one of the tables in the back . Man , it has been so long since I have played that game . I used to love playing it as a kid . Evanglina then let go of the table . " No I don 't , " she said , a bit too loudly , causing people to stare . She then turned and walked out the door with Ricky following behind her . Ricky smiled . " It 's okay . I understand . I shouldn 't have pushed you . I guess I just wanted to know how you were feeling . This whole situation is - " " Crazy , " Evanglina finished . She then exhaled sharply . " I just wish she had been honest with all of us a long time ago . Then things wouldn 't be like this . I 'm just so confused and I don 't know how to feel . " " See , that 's what I don 't get , " Evanglina then said , shaking her head . " My mother lied to you . She lied to you ! She didn 't tell you that you were my father and hid it for eighteen years , and she was going to keep hiding it if Aunt Sarah didn 't find out the truth . Why aren 't you angry with her ? How can you just forgive her and want me to talk to her ? " Ricky looked at Evanglina quietly for a minute and then sighed . " I am angry , Evanglina , very , but it won 't change anything . What happened , happened and as much as I hate it , I may have been part to blame for why she lied in the first place . " " Yes , that . I didn 't deal with the situation very well ; neither of us did , and we really hurt your mother in the process . I 'm not saying all this was okay , but I do see where she might have been coming from . I think she has been carrying what happened between us for all these years . " Evanglina lifted her shoulders . " Fine . Maybe you 're right . But what about Jake ? Ever since she started dating him , she has been all about him and never about me . " " She has taken his word over mine so many times that I have lost count ! Every time I tried to tell her about something that he did to me , she would never believe me ! Every time he slapped me , cursed at me or even threatened me , she never listened . He even beat me up in front of her twice and she just watched ! " Evanglina shook her head . " All that I have gone through because of her , I can 't forgive . " " It always amazes me when you talk about it . It makes me so angry that you had to go through all that . I wish I could have been there for you . " " I 'm not trying to defend her . I 'm not even asking you to forgive her . I just think you should talk to her . Maybe she wouldn 't be hounding you so much if you told her what you just told me . " Evanglina stared at him for a moment in silence and then nodded . " Maybe you 're right , " she said . " I just don 't know if I am ready to . " After leaving McDoogles , they both head to the beach and skip some stones into the ocean . Ricky has a long arm and is able to get his stone to skip several times before it drops underwater . I have tried to do that so many times , but I can only get mine to skip twice . They then take a dip in the ocean , splashing around in the water . The sky starts to darken , but they both didn 't seem to care . I can 't help but feel happy for her . Evanglina finally has the family she has always wanted . In other news , Claude and Emilie have been spending a lot of time together . I have been seeing an awful lot of them around town . I guess with him leaving , Emilie wanted to get as much time with him as possible . The day before he left , I saw them hanging together at Marcelle Park . They stay like that for almost thirty minutes and even shared a few passionate kisses before leaving . I think it helped that the park happened to be empty that day . Not that I think either of them would have cared all that much . Claude grinned . " Especially then . I want to hear all about how things are at Columbia . I 'm so happy you got accepted . I know how much you wanted to go there . " Emilie 's cheeks reddened . " Thanks , and I am happy for you for getting into the University of Cambridge . I want to hear all about that too . " They then pull in for a kiss and spend the next few minutes doing so in the warm summer breeze . They seem almost lost in each other and I am starting to feel like a hidden third wheel . Not that I haven 't felt this way many times before . Then with a final hug and kiss , Claude took off , leaving Emilie standing in front of the gate watching after him . My heart breaks for her . I can 't imagine gaining my first boyfriend and then having him leave me to return home . Another reason why I don 't do long distance . So that makes the end of this week 's posts . I can 't believe it , but next week will be my last post as Lexie . It 's crazy how time flies . That said , keep up with your guesses , because in just a week you may just know who Lexie really is . Hey my Queendalers ! If you guessed the code word " fight , " you guessed right ! I hope you Queendale High students knew that one because if you didn 't , you need to get some school spirit ! Anyways , I am so sorry that I haven 't posted in a month . Things have been so crazy with school ending and graduation that Lexie has not had time to write ; but fear not ! Lexie is back and has some juice to share about graduation and grad night ! So as I said earlier , the night of graduation has finally arrived ! In the early evening of the wondrous day , I spotted Evanglina and Kara leaving the house to go to the City Hall auditorium . It is crazy how much people can change in a month . It feels like everyone has already matured into adults ! I thought this as I reached the city hall and saw Maria Henderson arriving in her cap and gown . She looked absolutely beautiful as she walked up the steps , just like a young woman . Time really goes by , doesn 't it ? After Maria had arrived with Josephina and her parents and went inside , more students started arriving . I happened to notice Angel as she passed by and entered the building . Her hair was tucked neatly into her cap which is the first time I have really seen her face , clearly . Is it rude for me to say she looks older than I thought she did ? I saw Claire and Adam arrive together with Claire in a snow - white dress . I was a bit confused , but then I heard that Claire had accidently misplaced her graduation gown ! Awkward ! She was going to have to walk onstage dressed out of uniform . I guess her mother had tried to make her feel better by letting her borrow one of her formal dresses , but honestly , I think it just makes it more obvious that she forgot her cap and gown . The ceremony itself , went very well . There were choir and orchestra performances and then the valedictorian , Emilie Nelson , said a few words . I was not surprised it was her , for she was the most studious student in the whole school . She even founded the Pre - Med club , something that has not been done before around here . Senior Class president was originally Abigail Best , but since she was still gone , the task was given to Claire . I do have to say it was awkward with her dressed in that white dress . I was surprised , but Claire gave a surprisingly good speech . Not as good as Emilie 's , but not bad . By the time the ceremony was over , all the seniors were pretty pumped . I also spotted Derek and Adam coming out through the doors together with him twirling his diploma in his hand . I swear he grew an inch or two from May till now ! Adam too ! A few minutes later , I saw Derek standing with Evanglina ( surprise , surprise ) . They shared a warm embrace and kiss , as they stood there together . I 'm sure Angel and Claire were not too happy about it . They have been giving her the cold shoulder all night ! I then saw Kara standing not too far off tossing her diploma as well . Ricky was standing nearby smiling along with Sarah . It sure is nice to see them all looking so happy after the whole thing with Jake and Henria . And was it just me , or does Sarah 's stomach look a little bigger than usual ? Could she possibly be eating for two ? Time will tell ! I also saw Emilie coming out of city hall as well . She was grinning from ear to ear and carrying her diploma . She looked extremely proud of herself , which I think was totally well deserved . Those last words of her speech , " No matter where we go or live or what we become , we will always be Queendale Hawks at heart , " really resonated with me , and by the way everyone was cheering , it resonated with them too . It was starting to get a bit crowded in front , until people started dispersing . Then through the crowd , I saw Maria chatting with David Maxwell ! I thought it was a bit awkward , but from what I heard , he was congratulating her and wishing her well . Something tells me that he has been talking to Adam lately . I also saw Angel watching them from the corner of her eye . I 'm telling you , if that girl could rid the world of Maria and Evanglina … A while later I spotted Claire finally emerge from the city hall doors , yes , still in her white ball gown . I am surprised that she didn 't get grief about it . The principle is pretty stringent about those kinds of things . Then again , the Maxwells have donated a lot of money to the school , so maybe the principle decided to look the other way . Thirty minutes later , the crowd started to thin out some more . I was then able to see Paul and Brian Nelson coming out of the building . He had traded his cap for a baseball one and was wearing a little smirk . " Hey seniors ! " he called out then , " Don 't forget ! Bonfire starts at the beach in thirty minutes ! " This was followed by loud cheers , which I saw many parents cover their ears to . Evanglina grinned . " Thank you . It means a lot coming from you , " she said , and then with a little wave , she heads off to Derek 's motorcycle where he was waiting for her . Wow . It is amazing how close the two of them have gotten in such a small amount of time . I caught Derek and Adam even stopping to take in the scenery . And may I say , they both looked fantastic in their bathing suits . All rock hard and chiseled . Even I 'm getting all hot and bothered ! It looked like someone brought over a portable boom box and started blaring some tunes from the speakers . I even saw an ice shaving machine ! Maria took advantage of this as I saw her walking off with a lemon ice shaving . I even happened to snag a cherry and blue raspberry flavored one without anyone noticing . Delicious ! I spotted Josephina arriving a bit later in a pair of boots . She totally had that pirate thing going on ! There was a buffet table up on the beach lookout , and it seemed both she and Adam were heading right up to it . " Kara got accepted too , " she was saying . " She also got accepted into the University of Aderson and Cleveland University , but she chose the same as me . " She laughed . " I 'd be lying if I said I wasn 't happy about it . " Emilie smiled . " That 's great ! I hear Maria and Derek are going there as well . It 's nice that you will all be together . " " Yah , but it won 't be the same without you . " Evanglina sighed . " Still , I 'm so happy you got into Columbia University . " Emilie shrugged . " I 'm not totally sure . He seems split between Alfred State and Bridgeport , but if I could place a bet , I 'd say Alfred State . I think its Kara that is making him confused , what with them now dating and everything . " Out on the deck , Adam and Josephina were still munching on the buffet food . But that wasn 't all . It would seem that Adam had a bit of an ulterior motive for eating with her . As they ate , he seemed to be asking a lot of questions about Maria and how she was doing , including , asking where she was thinking about going to school . " Trust me Adam . Talk to her , " she said , and then she left the deck . Goodness . If Adam is still after Maria after all this time , I really think that boy is head over heels . Seriously . I even feel a bit bad for him . Maria took a deep breath . " I really like NYU , but the music program at Bridgeport University is amazing . Also , I have always wanted to go to school in Bridgeport . " " I think you just need to talk to him about it . Really talk to him . Make him understand how you feel . At least then you both aren 't walking on egg shells . " They are both quiet and then laugh . " No ! " They say in unison and then walk off toward the bonfire . Here 's to wishing them both a stress - free summer . Derek and Evanglina seemed to be getting a little mushy by the fire pit while dancing to the music from the boombox . Seeing them together so happy , I can 't help but wonder if they will still be together this time next year . Then again , if they can get through everything they have been through over the past year and a half , I think they can get through anything . They just might be the couple that will someday make it down the alter . As for Adam and Maria , who knows . Things aren 't looking that great for them . Although I did happen to catch them finally speaking to each other before the party ended . Adam seemed to want to go on , but Maria didn 't seem ready . I heard her say something about meeting up later this week and then she turned and left . Adam looked crushed , but a little hopeful . Don 't worry my Queendalers , I will keep my eye on that development . Emilie and Claude were also still left chatting away with each other . It 's so strange to see Emilie with a boyfriend . She has really come out of her shell over the year . " Paul , I don 't want you to have any regrets about the school you go to . I want you to go to the one that makes you the happiest . Even if that means I won 't be there . " Kara laughed . " I 'm not like other girls . And I want you to be happy . Besides , we won 't be too far from each other . Just an hour away . " And just like the end of a chick flick rom - com movie , they shared a lip lock under the stars . Not trying to be cheesy , but it was definitely a " The Notebook " like kiss . I guess we now know where Paul will be going . Alfred State , here he comes ! Well , that ends grad night for the seniors ! Congratulations to all of you ! Go Hawks ! And to those of you still guessing my identity , you are getting very close ! Hey Queendalers ! Code word for this week , is " calendar . " I thought it was fitting considering how fast time has been flying by . In just a month , school will be out for the summer ! Life is crazy , huh ? Well I won 't waste any time with my personal rambling . Let 's get right to it ! So Henrietta was spotted at " The Maxwell " earlier this week . She was having lunch with a friend , one I can only assume was from work . Henrietta has now turned from her life as a lady of leisure and to become a receptionist at one of the local salons . And from the conversation she was having , she wasn 't too happy about it . " And that woman wouldn 't know a brush if it hit her in the face , " Henrietta was saying about a customer . " I 'm telling you Lisa , the most outrageous people show up at the salon . I don 't know how you have put up with it all these years . " Lisa rolled her eyes . " Tell me about it . I swear , some people shouldn 't even be allowed in there . I have to fix her split ends and her horribly frizzy up do , and she has the nerve to give me attitude ? They are the worst . " Henrietta nodded . " She 's even said that . Nonetheless , Luke is her real father and he wants a relationship with her . He won 't stop until he forms one . He feels like he has been robbed of a life with her . " " That and you helped get me a job after the divorce . " Henrietta sighed again . " The way Damien is going , I 'm going to end up with nothing in the divorce settlement . He 's basically making it seem like I just married him for his money . " " Didn 't you also claim you married Luke for that reason ? What made you two divorce ? Wasn 't it because he went bankrupt ? " When Henrietta gave her a dirty look , Lisa chuckled . " Okay , all right . I 'll stop . I am on your side . It 's just you are in a pretty sticky situation . " " Well , Derek seems to be leaning toward Bridgeport University , but Damien really wants him to go to his Alma Mater , University of Columbia Heights . Angel on the other hand , I don 't know . She hasn 't heard back from any of her schools yet , and she doesn 't really seem to care too much . " Henrietta looked away . " I am a bit worried about her . " Lisa grinned . " I think Angel is just trying to find herself . With everything going on with her , it 's not a surprise to me that she would be confused . I 'm sure she will figure things out in time . " " I know . And I 'll bet she knows it too . She just needs some time . " Lisa then clasped her hands together . " Now let 's order . I 'm famished . " They then turn back to their menus and begin to order . I still can 't believe Henrietta has a job . Granted , it is a job that totally suits her , but still . I never thought I would see the day that Henrietta would have to work . Karma 's a witch , isn 't it ? Speaking of Angel , I spotted her later that evening at the club owned by Damien . She was there with Claire and they seemed pretty down . I am not too surprised since they have been that way since Prom . I 'll bet it is the first time that both of them have lost the guys they were dating . They won 't stop talking about it ! Upon arriving they headed straight to the Karaoke booth and started singing ( well , screeching ) song after song . And I mean from Paula Deana 's hits to oldies , like the spice girls . It was crazy and extremely obnoxious . Not that anyone said a word . I think they all knew who Angel and Claire 's parents were . After thirty minutes had passed , the room started to empty . I think people had heard enough of their squawking and needed some peace . I even felt like I was losing my mind . " Tell me about it . " Angel flipped a strand of her hair over her shoulder . " My mom won 't stop bugging me about school , and , well … Luke . " " He 's not my dad . Well , he is , but - " Angel broke off and sighed . " I don 't know , the whole thing is kind of confusing to me right now . I 'm just not ready to talk to him yet . " " I can 't blame you . I don 't know how I would feel if I found out my dad wasn 't my real dad . I don 't know how you 've been able to deal with it . " Claire shrugged . " Hey , you were in a bad place that night . I just wish Claude had been gentleman enough to take you home . I can 't believe he just left you there like that . What a jerk . " " Ugh , that freak . " Claire rolled her eyes . " I don 't even know what he sees in her . Have you been seeing the two of them lately ? They 've been all lovey dovey and gross . " " I know ! " Angel shivered . " It 's almost as bad as Paul and Kara . I totally caught them making out in the park this week . " She makes a gagging motion with her finger and tongue . " Tell me about it . I 'd say it has been that way since the Marsens moved in last year . Not to mention when Adam started dating Maria . " " Don 't even bring that up , " Claire said shaking her head . " I have been trying to get Adam to just let her go , but he refuses to . I just hope he goes to Duke University so he can be away from her . " " Yah , but I 've decided not to go . I accepted the offer to Cleveland University instead . That said , I kind of have other plans for after graduation . What about you ? Have you gotten accepted anywhere ? " Angel looked down at her plate in silence . " No . I 've actually been rejected from all the schools I applied to . I haven 't told my mom about it , I just said that I hadn 't received all my letters yet . I don 't know how to tell her . " Angel nodded . " I know , I just don 't know how . Honestly , I don 't really think I am ready to go to college . I feel like I just want to go out and explore the world for a bit first . If I went , I wouldn 't even know what to study or anything . I just don 't think it is right for me . " " So , I talked to my mom about me taking some time off before going to Cleveland University . I managed to delay my acceptance to them for a quarter and I talked my mom into letting me go stay with my aunt in France . Maybe if you talked to your mom , you could come with me ! Can you imagine the adventures we would have in Paris ? " " Of course ! Besides , it would be fun to have you along . It was going to be a bit lonely going by myself since both of my cousins are going to a university in Barcelona . If you come with me , it could be us against Paris . " Angel grinned . " I 'll talk to my mom . And you know , she just might agree to it . It beats me siting around and looking pitiful until next year rolls around . " " I hear you . " Claire then glanced over her shoulder and seemed to finally spot Charlotte singing her rendition of " Blame It On The Weatherman , " by B * witched . " We should go . Charlotte is getting a bit carried away . " Charlotte had taken off with the song and was even hitting high notes . The audience that had left from Claire and Angel 's screeching , had returned and were cheering her on . I am sure going to miss having Charlotte around when school ends . She really has given Angel and Claire a run for their money . Well , minus them using her to break up Adam and Maria , and attempting to do the same with Evanglina and Derek . " I can 't believe Jake did all those things to you . " Derek shook his head , and cursed under his breath . " He 's disgusting . " " No argument here , " Evanglina said in agreement . " I was so relieved when Aunt Sarah showed up with Ricky . I 'm just so happy to be out of there . Things have been so much better . It was so stupid of me not to say anything . I should have listened to you . " Evanglina exhaled deeply . " I know she was probably high on those drugs Jake uses , but still . She just stood and watched ! And that 's not all . She has always chosen Jake over me . I 'm just so angry with her . " Evanglina smiled . " You have . You 've been helping me since all this started . I never had the courage to stand up to Jake before I met you . " " Mine too , " said Evanglina . She then leaned over to touch something in the car and after , music began to emit from the speakers . Ironically , it was Paula Deana 's romantic hit song , " Without You . " " Can you believe that in just a month we won 't be high schoolers anymore ? " " I know , it 's crazy . " Derek shook his head . " I used to feel like high school would never end . Now , I don 't know if I want it to . " Evanglina looked surprised when he said that . " You 're going to Bridgeport University ? I thought your dad wanted you to go to University of Columbia Heights ? " " I 'm not . I 've always wanted to go to Bridgeport University . I 've spent so much time in Queendale that it would be nice to go somewhere different for a change . " " That 's true . I 've been mostly everywhere , but the big city . It will be a nice change . " Evanglina looked upward once again . " To be honest , I 've always seen it in my future . Me graduating from a college in the city and then starting a life there . " Evanglina looked surprised . " You mean , like married ? " When Derek nodded , Evanglina grinned . " I don 't know … maybe . Life is crazy though . " " So , you don 't see it ? " Derek looked a little disappointed , and I couldn 't blame him . She kind of rejected the idea a bit . Evanglina shook her head . " I didn 't say that . I just think we 're still so young ! " She then laughed . " That said , I think that if you and I make it through our four years of college together , then yes . I can definitely see it . " It 's then that I decided to take my leave and give them a bit of privacy , but not before snapping another pic of them . They are so adorable ! I still can 't believe they were cheated from Prom King and Queen ! Although , at this point the whole school pretty much knows that Angel bribed Greg Jensen . I 'm surprised that the principle hasn 't asked her to give her crown up . He is totally the type to do that ! Not that Angel would give it up willingly . After everything she has been going through , that crown is probably her one piece of salvation ! Well , that 's it for this week . Only a few posts left , and that means only a few posts left to guess who I am . Yes , you guessed it , I am a Queendale graduate this year ! So time is running out for you , my dearies ! Keep guessing , and I will be revealing my identity in my last post ! Guess correctly and you may just get a shout out ! More soon ! ( Hey my readers ! Thank you so much for reading my story ! There are only a few posts left of Kisses , Lexie , so stay tuned ! Has anyone figured out Lexie 's identity yet ? Leave your guesses in the comments ! More soon ! 😉 ) Hey Queendalers ! If you guessed " sleeping bag " , you got it ! So this week was a slow one . With all the seniors worrying about graduation and getting all their credits , there is no trouble for drama . Well , for the most part . So , Track season has come to a close . That said , Paul has still been practicing his skills , including soccer and basketball . I spotted him practicing with Emily at the park Thursday afternoon . Let me tell you , she was not so bad herself ! She put up a good game , kicking the ball with all her might into the net . Even with all Paul 's training , she gave him quite a workout . Still , she was no match for Paul and his superb goalie skills . He blocked every single one of Emilie 's balls despite her powerful force of kicks . Somehow , I think he will do just fine at either Bridgeport University or Alfred State with soccer . Unfortunately , it started to rain forty minutes later , ruining their fun . And it was coming down pretty hard . The two of them both then packed up their things and headed out . I however , would have stuck around if I was them . There is nothing like playing soccer in the rain . I love it ! Sure , you might slip and slide along the mud , but that 's more of the fun ! Emilie and Paul weren 't the only ones having fun this week . I spotted Evanglina and Ricky driving along this weekend together . It would seem that Evanglina has finally managed to get her permit and is working with Ricky to get her license ! Better now than never ! I 'm sure you are wondering how she has been doing since the whole fiasco last weekend . Well , Evanglina is now back at school and seems to be doing better . She still has some scars on her neck and face left from Jake 's abuse , but other than that , she seems to be okay . She does seem a little quieter and more guarded than usual , but who can blame her ? I can 't imagine dealing with what she has had to deal with for the past two years or more ! At least there is now a bit of happiness for her . I also saw her at the park again , strumming on her guitar along with Maria . The two of them are really on about this starting a band thing . They have even given themselves a name , " Evarie , " by putting their names together . And trust me , they are not bad . Their performance at the Prom has sparked a lot of attention and from what I 've heard , someone has posted a video of it online on " Youbook " , the social media Queendale teens are addicted to . The video has almost 250 , 000 views which is pretty good for Queendale and the state . These girls might be going places ! Although , I was a bit surprised to see they were watching the FearNet station . Funny , they didn 't even seem that scared . I would have been terrified out of my mind ! They show the creepiest movies on there , but there were the four of them laughing while watching ! Crazy ! The night then ended with a nice soak in the hot tub out back in the Emerson 's backyard . All four of them were laughing and seeming to be having a good time . Even Evanglina seemed to be enjoying herself . Maria shook her head . " I just can 't talk to him right now . I feel like my emotions are all over the place . On one side , I am still so angry that I can 't even think straight and then on the other side , I just miss him so much . " " Don 't Eva , " Kara said shaking her head . " You had to leave . You couldn 't stay in an environment like that . It was bad for you . I mean , look what Jake did to you ! " " Your mom is hurt now , but she caused this . She shouldn 't have let Jake do all that to you . I think right now you need to focus on you . " After soaking , they started to head inside , but then Evanglina said she had a spooky story to tell . They all then gathered on the ground and she began telling them a ghost story . As she told the story , they all got so into it , that they started jerking and pulling away as if Evanglina was the one doing all the killing in the story ! The four of them then headed inside . It is amazing how so much has changed , but the four of them have still managed to be good friends . Go figure . Hey Queendalers ! So I am sure you are all wondering exactly what is going on with the Marsens since last week 's post . Well , I actually do have some news , for those of you who don 't yet know . Here we go ! So as you know , Evanglina hasn 't really been in school the past week . While everyone figured that she was just sick ( and there may have been some truth to that ) , it would seem that she was at home because Jake and Henria were keeping her there . And of course , it only got worse after Kara told Evanglina about the possibility of Ricky being her father . Since that night that Jake dragged her upstairs to her room , Evanglina has not been seen out of the house . I 'm serious ! It 's like she disappeared . Kara and Derek have tried to see her a few times , but Henria always yells at them to leave and Jake slams the door in their faces . It is pretty obvious that they are basically keeping her trapped there , something that it would seem Sarah came to notice . After almost a week had passed , she made her way over to talk to Henria . It was Thursday afternoon to be exact . Henria didn 't want to let her in , but Sarah would not take no for an answer . She pushed her way through the door and into the house . " What do you want Sarah ? " Henria said rolling her eyes . Her face looked like she hadn 't slept in days . What on Earth was she taking ? " I came to see Evanglina , " said Sarah . " Kara said she hasn 't been in school for almost two weeks . She said she came over last week and snuck in to see her , but since then you haven 't been letting anyone in . So , I decided to come over to see for myself . " Henria scoffed . " I don 't know , and I really don 't care . Whatever the case , you wasted a trip . Evanglina isn 't having any visitors , so you can just go . " " Listen Henria , " Sarah snapped . " I am not going anywhere until I see Evanglina . I don 't care if she is contagious or whatever you say . I want to see her . Now . " Henria glared at her . " Excuse me , but this is my house and Evanglina is my daughter . You can 't just barge in here and order me around ! " " No ! " Sarah yelled . " You aren 't getting rid of me this time . I want to see her . Besides , the test results come back today . " Henria 's eyes widened . " W - what ? H - how are you running a test ? I have not given you permission nor have I given you any sample of Evanglina 's DNA ! " Sarah sighed . " I just want the truth Henria , and so does Ricky . " Just as she said this , a car pulled up and then Ricky emerged from the front door . " Looks like Ricky is here , " she said . " So it wasn 't some magical DNA . She got it off Evanglina 's used latte cup , from when she took her and Kara shopping . And I received the results right before I came here . " He pauses to take a deep breath . " Henria … I 'm her father . " I honestly wonder what reaction Ricky was hoping for . Maybe shock ? Surprise ? Horror ? I don 't know , but it was not what he got . After those words left his lips , she just stood there staring at him . " And how could I ? What with you screwing my sister back at home ! You chose her over us ! So Evanglina and I had to move on with our lives ! " " What do you mean us ? I didn 't even know you were pregnant ! You left town and never told me ! I would have never abandoned Evanglina ! " It 's amazing how this has turned into a shouting match . If anyone had been jogging by or even biking , they would have been able to hear their whole conversation . It was that loud , and also , the window happened to be open . " Well , I 'm sorry , but you can 't decide that anymore , Henria , " he said finally . " Evanglina is eighteen years old now , and she 's my daughter too . So that means I have just as much right as you do . " Henria scoffed . " Oh please , you haven 't even been a part of her life . In a custody hearing you wouldn 't have any say . " " Are you kidding ? " Ricky raised his eyebrows , " If we were negotiating for custody , you would be at a serious loss ! For goodness sakes , you are engaged to a man that allegedly imports drugs ! He is on the police station 's watch list ! " Henria sighed . " Ricky just came over to tell me how he and Sarah had my daughter tested to see if he is her father . Apparently , the test came back positive for a match . " Meanwhile , Jake just laughed . " That little b * * * * ( censoring ) doesn 't deserve to be called anything other than what she is . A dirty , little rotten slut . " Only Jake didn 't take that too well . He gritted his teeth and then tackled Ricky ! The two of them then went rolling onto the floor . Henria just stood above them watching in surprise and awe . The fight went on for a while with each of them struggling against each other . There is then a loud crashing sound and I can 't tell whether it was caused by them or from something upstairs . Ricky 's face looked totally furious while Jake had that killer look in his eyes . Scary ! Finally , they both pulled apart panting . At that same time , Evanglina and Sarah emerged from upstairs . Evanglina looked horrible and terribly weak as she followed behind her . Her face was sunken like she hasn 't slept in days , and there was still a bruise on her cheek from where Jake had backhanded her ; not to mention a few on her neck . " I got her out of her room , " Sarah interrupted . " The door was locked , so I had to break in to get her out . " She gave Henria a dirty look . " She was handcuffed to her bed . " Jake smirked . " Hey , some kids need harsher punishments for the message to sink in . Evanglina happens to be one of them . Only problem , she doesn 't seem to learn her lesson , as you can see . " " How dare you ! " Ricky made a move toward Jake , but he was too quick . Jake lunged at him and then the two them go at it again ! " We aren 't ! Evanglina wants to come with us , which I think is an excellent decision considering what is happening to her here ! Also , she is eighteen years old ! She can move out ! And you forcing her to stay here against her will , is basically kidnapping ! " " You don 't have a choice ! " Sarah said , and then sighed . " Ricky and I are walking out of here with Evanglina and if you try to stop us , I will call the police . " Evanglina just took one look at Henria and the house before turning away . Henria then stood by the doorsteps and watched Sarah 's car drive away before bursting into tears . I want to feel sorry for her , but I can 't . I am just too happy that finally Evanglina is out of that chaos . As Ricky and Sarah drove off into the distance , I couldn 't help but feel extremely relieved . I had been on the verge of blowing my cover to help Evanglina out . Luckily , I didn 't have to . Maybe just maybe , things might get better for that girl . One can hope . Well , that is it for this week . The weeks are dwindling down and summer is almost on us . Also , graduation is right around the corner ! Soon high school will be behind us . Let 's have a toast to bigger and better things in life . More soon my dearies ! Hey my Queendalers ! So last week 's code was a little weird , but some of you were still able to guess it , " butterfly . " Still , some of you did struggle with it , so I will leave the code for one more week for those of you that could not guess it . Well , this week 's post is a bit jam packed , so let me get started ! First of all , I spotted Angel and Claire at Feng Shui Fusion on Friday night . They were perched on stools while enjoying plates of sushi . Claire was going on about her irritation with the events of prom night . " I cannot believe that he ditched me for Kara , " she said , shaking her head . " I mean , its Kara ! I can 't believe he left me for that piece of trash . " " You 're complaining , " Angel gave her a look , " What about Claude ? He basically made me look like some pathetic loser ! Telling me that he had no interest in me romantically ? He basically " friend - zoned " me ! " ( Oh yes he did ! It was absolutely beautiful . ) " And on top of that , he also ditched me for Emilie ! That science geek ! " Angel rolled her eyes . " So , I think I had it a bit worse than you . " " I didn 't say she didn 't . " Angel sighed . " I 'm just saying maybe you shouldn 't have fought with her at the dance . You know how strict the principle was being about fights . " " Hey , no worries , " Angel then said . " This fall we will be in college and get to be around hot college guys . We won 't have to bother ourselves with these stupid high school guys anymore . " " Well , I heard back from Bridgeport University and Duke . They apparently both accepted me . I was a bit surprised about Duke . I got an interview and I didn 't think it went well . I guess there was something about me they liked . " Claire glared at him . " I dropped her off at home on my way home from school . Besides , I uninvited her . This dinner is just for Angel and I . " Claude stared at her for a moment in silence before responding . " To what are you implying ? I don 't believe I have ever messed with you . " Claude raised his eyebrows in realization . " Oh that . I was not messing with Angel . I simply told her that she had the wrong idea about us . We were just friends , but she had mistakenly thought we were more . " " That wasn 't her fault ! You asked her to the prom ! That is asking her out ! You are the one that suddenly changed your mind and wanted to be with , Emilie . " Still Claude pays her no mind . " Look , I didn 't come to argue with you . If Charlotte is at home like you say , I will just go and see her there . " He then turns and leaves , ignoring her loud comment about him being an " asswhole , " as he walks out . I swear , sometimes I wonder if Angel or Claire have any class left in their bodies . Not that they had much to begin with . In other news , I am sure you are wondering what has been going on with Evanglina since everything on the morning after prom night . Literally everyone is wondering that . No one has really seen much of Evanglina for the past week . I don 't think she has even been at school . Maybe she was sick ? Well , I found out the true reason that Friday afternoon . Kara , who had been trying to get into the Marsen house , was finally able to do so when Jake temporarily stepped outside for a few minutes to smoke ( yes , you know what ) . Kara crept in through the back door quietly and found Evanglina cleaning the kitchen . " Hey , what 's up ? " she said , walking over to her . " I haven 't really seen much of you in the past week . Is everything okay ? " It looked like Kara wasn 't buying it either . " Are you sure ? It 's not like you to miss four whole days of school . Not even for being sick . Then again , Monday you didn 't look too good . " Evanglina sighed . " I 'm sorry , my mom 's just really angry about prom night . I slept over at Derek 's house and she is really mad about it . They both are . " " I - I don 't . I - I just don 't want any more problems right now , " Evanglina said . Her voice sounded a little strained . Kara still looked worried , but she moved on . " Well , I came to tell you something . I 've actually been trying to get a hold of you so I could talk to you about it . " " So I heard my mother talking the other day about you and Ricky . It was so weird . She was on the phone with someone and she said something about them needing to hurry with some type of test results . " Kara nodded . " Yes . She was really annoyed about it too . She said that she had asked them to put a rush on it , because Ricky needed to know sooner rather than later . It seemed really important to her . " " I thought so too , but then I started thinking about back when I was talking to Ricky and I said that you and him looked alike . Well , he told me that my mom seemed to really think so and was obsessing over it . Now , he 's been talking about it a lot too . " Kara shrugged . " I know , it sounds crazy , but I really think she believes it ! And I 'll bet that those test results are to prove it . " " Your father . And honestly ? I think Ricky does so too . " Kara then smiled . " It 's weird to think about , right ? That said , it would explain why your mom hates the fact that he is married to my mom . Especially , if she has known all this time . " " My mom probably doesn 't know . She couldn 't . That would mean that she would have kept me from him for all these years . She may have problems , but she wouldn 't do that to me . Right ? " Kara jumped . " I should go ! I don 't want to get you in anymore trouble . Call me , me okay ? And call Derek . He 's really worried about you . " She then slipped out through the back door . Okay , now here is where things got crazy . Henria , as it turns out , was at home the whole time ! She was upstairs and after Kara left , she came slowly down the stairs . Jake coughing a bit from his joint , came walking in through the front door . " I thought we told you that you weren 't allowed any friends over ! Jakes bellowed . " Wow ! You think you can just do whatever you damn well please , don 't you ? " " No I don 't ! " Evanglina cried in frustration . " I didn 't invite her over ! She just came over because she wanted to tell me that Sarah was having some test being run . Something with me and Ricky . " " It 's a lie ! " Henria snapped . " Sarah doesn 't know what she 's talking about ! She 's crazy and making things up ! " " Look at what you 're doing ! " Jake said , glaring at Evanglina . " You 're upsetting your mother ! All for the stupid lie your slut aunt is telling . What an ungrateful waste of space ! " After he says this , Evanglina stared at him for a moment in shock . " I can 't believe you said that . " She then looked at Henria . " Mom ? Aren 't you going to say something ? " Evanglina shook her head . " You know what ? I can 't take this anymore ! I have put up with all this long enough ! I thought I could handle it until graduation , but I can 't ! I have had it ! I 'm moving out ! " " RICKY IS NOT YOUR FATHER ! " Henria screamed . She was on the verge of being hysterical . " HE is not a part of our family ! HE is with Sarah ! Not us ! So just let it go ! " And like usual , just as Evanglina finished saying this , Jake stepped forward and backhanded her hard across the face . Only this time , even I could see that he left a mark . I then noticed that he was wearing some type of ring on his finger and it totally scraped her face during the hit . There was a long gash on Evanglina 's cheek and blood was starting to seep through . But Jake didn 't stop there . He slapped Evanglina several more times and when she fell , he began to kick her body roughly . I literally watched in horror as Jake beat Evanglina up and her mother just stood watching without lifting a finger to help her . Seriously ! She just stood there watching like her mind was somewhere else . I was on the verge of calling the police , when Jake finally stopped . " I told you that you hadn 't seen anything yet , " Jake sneered . " And if you ever talk like that to your mother again , I can do much , much worse . Keep going and you might just not be able to use those legs for a while . " He then grabbed Evanglina by the arm and pulled her up the stairs . You could hear Evanglina 's screams and shouts as he dragged her up the staircase while yelling , " Shut up or I 'll give you something to shout about ! " Then silence when her bedroom door closed loudly . Now I have to say , I am left in a position of confusion . On one hand , I am just a blogger who reports what I see and remains out of the conflicts , but what if I see something that is serious ? What then ? Do I get involved and do something about it ? Or do I watch for the situation to play out ? Well , for now , I will be keeping a close eye on the Marsens as I figure out how to approach this . Meanwhile , please feel free to forward this to anyone you think can help . Violence should never be tolerated , especially not from parents to children . And from the way things are going , Evanglina is going to need all the help she can get to get out of this situation . |
Hey Queendalers ! So if you guessed " Hawks " you guessed right ! I couldn 't resist using our loveable mascot as a code word ! Next week 's code will be a pretty easy one as well , in honor of it being my final post . But we will get to that later . Onto the post ! So since Sarah and Ricky rescued Evanglina from Jake and Henria , Ricky has been spending a lot of time with her . It 's almost as if they are trying to make up for eighteen lost years in just a month ! I spotted them Thursday afternoon hanging out at McDoogles . They had a nice lunch of burgers and fries and then played some of the arcade games . I even caught them playing a game of foosball at one of the tables in the back . Man , it has been so long since I have played that game . I used to love playing it as a kid . Evanglina then let go of the table . " No I don 't , " she said , a bit too loudly , causing people to stare . She then turned and walked out the door with Ricky following behind her . Ricky smiled . " It 's okay . I understand . I shouldn 't have pushed you . I guess I just wanted to know how you were feeling . This whole situation is - " " Crazy , " Evanglina finished . She then exhaled sharply . " I just wish she had been honest with all of us a long time ago . Then things wouldn 't be like this . I 'm just so confused and I don 't know how to feel . " " See , that 's what I don 't get , " Evanglina then said , shaking her head . " My mother lied to you . She lied to you ! She didn 't tell you that you were my father and hid it for eighteen years , and she was going to keep hiding it if Aunt Sarah didn 't find out the truth . Why aren 't you angry with her ? How can you just forgive her and want me to talk to her ? " Ricky looked at Evanglina quietly for a minute and then sighed . " I am angry , Evanglina , very , but it won 't change anything . What happened , happened and as much as I hate it , I may have been part to blame for why she lied in the first place . " " Yes , that . I didn 't deal with the situation very well ; neither of us did , and we really hurt your mother in the process . I 'm not saying all this was okay , but I do see where she might have been coming from . I think she has been carrying what happened between us for all these years . " Evanglina lifted her shoulders . " Fine . Maybe you 're right . But what about Jake ? Ever since she started dating him , she has been all about him and never about me . " " She has taken his word over mine so many times that I have lost count ! Every time I tried to tell her about something that he did to me , she would never believe me ! Every time he slapped me , cursed at me or even threatened me , she never listened . He even beat me up in front of her twice and she just watched ! " Evanglina shook her head . " All that I have gone through because of her , I can 't forgive . " " It always amazes me when you talk about it . It makes me so angry that you had to go through all that . I wish I could have been there for you . " " I 'm not trying to defend her . I 'm not even asking you to forgive her . I just think you should talk to her . Maybe she wouldn 't be hounding you so much if you told her what you just told me . " Evanglina stared at him for a moment in silence and then nodded . " Maybe you 're right , " she said . " I just don 't know if I am ready to . " After leaving McDoogles , they both head to the beach and skip some stones into the ocean . Ricky has a long arm and is able to get his stone to skip several times before it drops underwater . I have tried to do that so many times , but I can only get mine to skip twice . They then take a dip in the ocean , splashing around in the water . The sky starts to darken , but they both didn 't seem to care . I can 't help but feel happy for her . Evanglina finally has the family she has always wanted . In other news , Claude and Emilie have been spending a lot of time together . I have been seeing an awful lot of them around town . I guess with him leaving , Emilie wanted to get as much time with him as possible . The day before he left , I saw them hanging together at Marcelle Park . They stay like that for almost thirty minutes and even shared a few passionate kisses before leaving . I think it helped that the park happened to be empty that day . Not that I think either of them would have cared all that much . Claude grinned . " Especially then . I want to hear all about how things are at Columbia . I 'm so happy you got accepted . I know how much you wanted to go there . " Emilie 's cheeks reddened . " Thanks , and I am happy for you for getting into the University of Cambridge . I want to hear all about that too . " They then pull in for a kiss and spend the next few minutes doing so in the warm summer breeze . They seem almost lost in each other and I am starting to feel like a hidden third wheel . Not that I haven 't felt this way many times before . Then with a final hug and kiss , Claude took off , leaving Emilie standing in front of the gate watching after him . My heart breaks for her . I can 't imagine gaining my first boyfriend and then having him leave me to return home . Another reason why I don 't do long distance . So that makes the end of this week 's posts . I can 't believe it , but next week will be my last post as Lexie . It 's crazy how time flies . That said , keep up with your guesses , because in just a week you may just know who Lexie really is . Hey my Queendalers ! If you guessed the code word " fight , " you guessed right ! I hope you Queendale High students knew that one because if you didn 't , you need to get some school spirit ! Anyways , I am so sorry that I haven 't posted in a month . Things have been so crazy with school ending and graduation that Lexie has not had time to write ; but fear not ! Lexie is back and has some juice to share about graduation and grad night ! So as I said earlier , the night of graduation has finally arrived ! In the early evening of the wondrous day , I spotted Evanglina and Kara leaving the house to go to the City Hall auditorium . It is crazy how much people can change in a month . It feels like everyone has already matured into adults ! I thought this as I reached the city hall and saw Maria Henderson arriving in her cap and gown . She looked absolutely beautiful as she walked up the steps , just like a young woman . Time really goes by , doesn 't it ? After Maria had arrived with Josephina and her parents and went inside , more students started arriving . I happened to notice Angel as she passed by and entered the building . Her hair was tucked neatly into her cap which is the first time I have really seen her face , clearly . Is it rude for me to say she looks older than I thought she did ? I saw Claire and Adam arrive together with Claire in a snow - white dress . I was a bit confused , but then I heard that Claire had accidently misplaced her graduation gown ! Awkward ! She was going to have to walk onstage dressed out of uniform . I guess her mother had tried to make her feel better by letting her borrow one of her formal dresses , but honestly , I think it just makes it more obvious that she forgot her cap and gown . The ceremony itself , went very well . There were choir and orchestra performances and then the valedictorian , Emilie Nelson , said a few words . I was not surprised it was her , for she was the most studious student in the whole school . She even founded the Pre - Med club , something that has not been done before around here . Senior Class president was originally Abigail Best , but since she was still gone , the task was given to Claire . I do have to say it was awkward with her dressed in that white dress . I was surprised , but Claire gave a surprisingly good speech . Not as good as Emilie 's , but not bad . By the time the ceremony was over , all the seniors were pretty pumped . I also spotted Derek and Adam coming out through the doors together with him twirling his diploma in his hand . I swear he grew an inch or two from May till now ! Adam too ! A few minutes later , I saw Derek standing with Evanglina ( surprise , surprise ) . They shared a warm embrace and kiss , as they stood there together . I 'm sure Angel and Claire were not too happy about it . They have been giving her the cold shoulder all night ! I then saw Kara standing not too far off tossing her diploma as well . Ricky was standing nearby smiling along with Sarah . It sure is nice to see them all looking so happy after the whole thing with Jake and Henria . And was it just me , or does Sarah 's stomach look a little bigger than usual ? Could she possibly be eating for two ? Time will tell ! I also saw Emilie coming out of city hall as well . She was grinning from ear to ear and carrying her diploma . She looked extremely proud of herself , which I think was totally well deserved . Those last words of her speech , " No matter where we go or live or what we become , we will always be Queendale Hawks at heart , " really resonated with me , and by the way everyone was cheering , it resonated with them too . It was starting to get a bit crowded in front , until people started dispersing . Then through the crowd , I saw Maria chatting with David Maxwell ! I thought it was a bit awkward , but from what I heard , he was congratulating her and wishing her well . Something tells me that he has been talking to Adam lately . I also saw Angel watching them from the corner of her eye . I 'm telling you , if that girl could rid the world of Maria and Evanglina … A while later I spotted Claire finally emerge from the city hall doors , yes , still in her white ball gown . I am surprised that she didn 't get grief about it . The principle is pretty stringent about those kinds of things . Then again , the Maxwells have donated a lot of money to the school , so maybe the principle decided to look the other way . Thirty minutes later , the crowd started to thin out some more . I was then able to see Paul and Brian Nelson coming out of the building . He had traded his cap for a baseball one and was wearing a little smirk . " Hey seniors ! " he called out then , " Don 't forget ! Bonfire starts at the beach in thirty minutes ! " This was followed by loud cheers , which I saw many parents cover their ears to . Evanglina grinned . " Thank you . It means a lot coming from you , " she said , and then with a little wave , she heads off to Derek 's motorcycle where he was waiting for her . Wow . It is amazing how close the two of them have gotten in such a small amount of time . I caught Derek and Adam even stopping to take in the scenery . And may I say , they both looked fantastic in their bathing suits . All rock hard and chiseled . Even I 'm getting all hot and bothered ! It looked like someone brought over a portable boom box and started blaring some tunes from the speakers . I even saw an ice shaving machine ! Maria took advantage of this as I saw her walking off with a lemon ice shaving . I even happened to snag a cherry and blue raspberry flavored one without anyone noticing . Delicious ! I spotted Josephina arriving a bit later in a pair of boots . She totally had that pirate thing going on ! There was a buffet table up on the beach lookout , and it seemed both she and Adam were heading right up to it . " Kara got accepted too , " she was saying . " She also got accepted into the University of Aderson and Cleveland University , but she chose the same as me . " She laughed . " I 'd be lying if I said I wasn 't happy about it . " Emilie smiled . " That 's great ! I hear Maria and Derek are going there as well . It 's nice that you will all be together . " " Yah , but it won 't be the same without you . " Evanglina sighed . " Still , I 'm so happy you got into Columbia University . " Emilie shrugged . " I 'm not totally sure . He seems split between Alfred State and Bridgeport , but if I could place a bet , I 'd say Alfred State . I think its Kara that is making him confused , what with them now dating and everything . " Out on the deck , Adam and Josephina were still munching on the buffet food . But that wasn 't all . It would seem that Adam had a bit of an ulterior motive for eating with her . As they ate , he seemed to be asking a lot of questions about Maria and how she was doing , including , asking where she was thinking about going to school . " Trust me Adam . Talk to her , " she said , and then she left the deck . Goodness . If Adam is still after Maria after all this time , I really think that boy is head over heels . Seriously . I even feel a bit bad for him . Maria took a deep breath . " I really like NYU , but the music program at Bridgeport University is amazing . Also , I have always wanted to go to school in Bridgeport . " " I think you just need to talk to him about it . Really talk to him . Make him understand how you feel . At least then you both aren 't walking on egg shells . " They are both quiet and then laugh . " No ! " They say in unison and then walk off toward the bonfire . Here 's to wishing them both a stress - free summer . Derek and Evanglina seemed to be getting a little mushy by the fire pit while dancing to the music from the boombox . Seeing them together so happy , I can 't help but wonder if they will still be together this time next year . Then again , if they can get through everything they have been through over the past year and a half , I think they can get through anything . They just might be the couple that will someday make it down the alter . As for Adam and Maria , who knows . Things aren 't looking that great for them . Although I did happen to catch them finally speaking to each other before the party ended . Adam seemed to want to go on , but Maria didn 't seem ready . I heard her say something about meeting up later this week and then she turned and left . Adam looked crushed , but a little hopeful . Don 't worry my Queendalers , I will keep my eye on that development . Emilie and Claude were also still left chatting away with each other . It 's so strange to see Emilie with a boyfriend . She has really come out of her shell over the year . " Paul , I don 't want you to have any regrets about the school you go to . I want you to go to the one that makes you the happiest . Even if that means I won 't be there . " Kara laughed . " I 'm not like other girls . And I want you to be happy . Besides , we won 't be too far from each other . Just an hour away . " And just like the end of a chick flick rom - com movie , they shared a lip lock under the stars . Not trying to be cheesy , but it was definitely a " The Notebook " like kiss . I guess we now know where Paul will be going . Alfred State , here he comes ! Well , that ends grad night for the seniors ! Congratulations to all of you ! Go Hawks ! And to those of you still guessing my identity , you are getting very close ! Hey Queendalers ! Code word for this week , is " calendar . " I thought it was fitting considering how fast time has been flying by . In just a month , school will be out for the summer ! Life is crazy , huh ? Well I won 't waste any time with my personal rambling . Let 's get right to it ! So Henrietta was spotted at " The Maxwell " earlier this week . She was having lunch with a friend , one I can only assume was from work . Henrietta has now turned from her life as a lady of leisure and to become a receptionist at one of the local salons . And from the conversation she was having , she wasn 't too happy about it . " And that woman wouldn 't know a brush if it hit her in the face , " Henrietta was saying about a customer . " I 'm telling you Lisa , the most outrageous people show up at the salon . I don 't know how you have put up with it all these years . " Lisa rolled her eyes . " Tell me about it . I swear , some people shouldn 't even be allowed in there . I have to fix her split ends and her horribly frizzy up do , and she has the nerve to give me attitude ? They are the worst . " Henrietta nodded . " She 's even said that . Nonetheless , Luke is her real father and he wants a relationship with her . He won 't stop until he forms one . He feels like he has been robbed of a life with her . " " That and you helped get me a job after the divorce . " Henrietta sighed again . " The way Damien is going , I 'm going to end up with nothing in the divorce settlement . He 's basically making it seem like I just married him for his money . " " Didn 't you also claim you married Luke for that reason ? What made you two divorce ? Wasn 't it because he went bankrupt ? " When Henrietta gave her a dirty look , Lisa chuckled . " Okay , all right . I 'll stop . I am on your side . It 's just you are in a pretty sticky situation . " " Well , Derek seems to be leaning toward Bridgeport University , but Damien really wants him to go to his Alma Mater , University of Columbia Heights . Angel on the other hand , I don 't know . She hasn 't heard back from any of her schools yet , and she doesn 't really seem to care too much . " Henrietta looked away . " I am a bit worried about her . " Lisa grinned . " I think Angel is just trying to find herself . With everything going on with her , it 's not a surprise to me that she would be confused . I 'm sure she will figure things out in time . " " I know . And I 'll bet she knows it too . She just needs some time . " Lisa then clasped her hands together . " Now let 's order . I 'm famished . " They then turn back to their menus and begin to order . I still can 't believe Henrietta has a job . Granted , it is a job that totally suits her , but still . I never thought I would see the day that Henrietta would have to work . Karma 's a witch , isn 't it ? Speaking of Angel , I spotted her later that evening at the club owned by Damien . She was there with Claire and they seemed pretty down . I am not too surprised since they have been that way since Prom . I 'll bet it is the first time that both of them have lost the guys they were dating . They won 't stop talking about it ! Upon arriving they headed straight to the Karaoke booth and started singing ( well , screeching ) song after song . And I mean from Paula Deana 's hits to oldies , like the spice girls . It was crazy and extremely obnoxious . Not that anyone said a word . I think they all knew who Angel and Claire 's parents were . After thirty minutes had passed , the room started to empty . I think people had heard enough of their squawking and needed some peace . I even felt like I was losing my mind . " Tell me about it . " Angel flipped a strand of her hair over her shoulder . " My mom won 't stop bugging me about school , and , well … Luke . " " He 's not my dad . Well , he is , but - " Angel broke off and sighed . " I don 't know , the whole thing is kind of confusing to me right now . I 'm just not ready to talk to him yet . " " I can 't blame you . I don 't know how I would feel if I found out my dad wasn 't my real dad . I don 't know how you 've been able to deal with it . " Claire shrugged . " Hey , you were in a bad place that night . I just wish Claude had been gentleman enough to take you home . I can 't believe he just left you there like that . What a jerk . " " Ugh , that freak . " Claire rolled her eyes . " I don 't even know what he sees in her . Have you been seeing the two of them lately ? They 've been all lovey dovey and gross . " " I know ! " Angel shivered . " It 's almost as bad as Paul and Kara . I totally caught them making out in the park this week . " She makes a gagging motion with her finger and tongue . " Tell me about it . I 'd say it has been that way since the Marsens moved in last year . Not to mention when Adam started dating Maria . " " Don 't even bring that up , " Claire said shaking her head . " I have been trying to get Adam to just let her go , but he refuses to . I just hope he goes to Duke University so he can be away from her . " " Yah , but I 've decided not to go . I accepted the offer to Cleveland University instead . That said , I kind of have other plans for after graduation . What about you ? Have you gotten accepted anywhere ? " Angel looked down at her plate in silence . " No . I 've actually been rejected from all the schools I applied to . I haven 't told my mom about it , I just said that I hadn 't received all my letters yet . I don 't know how to tell her . " Angel nodded . " I know , I just don 't know how . Honestly , I don 't really think I am ready to go to college . I feel like I just want to go out and explore the world for a bit first . If I went , I wouldn 't even know what to study or anything . I just don 't think it is right for me . " " So , I talked to my mom about me taking some time off before going to Cleveland University . I managed to delay my acceptance to them for a quarter and I talked my mom into letting me go stay with my aunt in France . Maybe if you talked to your mom , you could come with me ! Can you imagine the adventures we would have in Paris ? " " Of course ! Besides , it would be fun to have you along . It was going to be a bit lonely going by myself since both of my cousins are going to a university in Barcelona . If you come with me , it could be us against Paris . " Angel grinned . " I 'll talk to my mom . And you know , she just might agree to it . It beats me siting around and looking pitiful until next year rolls around . " " I hear you . " Claire then glanced over her shoulder and seemed to finally spot Charlotte singing her rendition of " Blame It On The Weatherman , " by B * witched . " We should go . Charlotte is getting a bit carried away . " Charlotte had taken off with the song and was even hitting high notes . The audience that had left from Claire and Angel 's screeching , had returned and were cheering her on . I am sure going to miss having Charlotte around when school ends . She really has given Angel and Claire a run for their money . Well , minus them using her to break up Adam and Maria , and attempting to do the same with Evanglina and Derek . " I can 't believe Jake did all those things to you . " Derek shook his head , and cursed under his breath . " He 's disgusting . " " No argument here , " Evanglina said in agreement . " I was so relieved when Aunt Sarah showed up with Ricky . I 'm just so happy to be out of there . Things have been so much better . It was so stupid of me not to say anything . I should have listened to you . " Evanglina exhaled deeply . " I know she was probably high on those drugs Jake uses , but still . She just stood and watched ! And that 's not all . She has always chosen Jake over me . I 'm just so angry with her . " Evanglina smiled . " You have . You 've been helping me since all this started . I never had the courage to stand up to Jake before I met you . " " Mine too , " said Evanglina . She then leaned over to touch something in the car and after , music began to emit from the speakers . Ironically , it was Paula Deana 's romantic hit song , " Without You . " " Can you believe that in just a month we won 't be high schoolers anymore ? " " I know , it 's crazy . " Derek shook his head . " I used to feel like high school would never end . Now , I don 't know if I want it to . " Evanglina looked surprised when he said that . " You 're going to Bridgeport University ? I thought your dad wanted you to go to University of Columbia Heights ? " " I 'm not . I 've always wanted to go to Bridgeport University . I 've spent so much time in Queendale that it would be nice to go somewhere different for a change . " " That 's true . I 've been mostly everywhere , but the big city . It will be a nice change . " Evanglina looked upward once again . " To be honest , I 've always seen it in my future . Me graduating from a college in the city and then starting a life there . " Evanglina looked surprised . " You mean , like married ? " When Derek nodded , Evanglina grinned . " I don 't know … maybe . Life is crazy though . " " So , you don 't see it ? " Derek looked a little disappointed , and I couldn 't blame him . She kind of rejected the idea a bit . Evanglina shook her head . " I didn 't say that . I just think we 're still so young ! " She then laughed . " That said , I think that if you and I make it through our four years of college together , then yes . I can definitely see it . " It 's then that I decided to take my leave and give them a bit of privacy , but not before snapping another pic of them . They are so adorable ! I still can 't believe they were cheated from Prom King and Queen ! Although , at this point the whole school pretty much knows that Angel bribed Greg Jensen . I 'm surprised that the principle hasn 't asked her to give her crown up . He is totally the type to do that ! Not that Angel would give it up willingly . After everything she has been going through , that crown is probably her one piece of salvation ! Well , that 's it for this week . Only a few posts left , and that means only a few posts left to guess who I am . Yes , you guessed it , I am a Queendale graduate this year ! So time is running out for you , my dearies ! Keep guessing , and I will be revealing my identity in my last post ! Guess correctly and you may just get a shout out ! More soon ! ( Hey my readers ! Thank you so much for reading my story ! There are only a few posts left of Kisses , Lexie , so stay tuned ! Has anyone figured out Lexie 's identity yet ? Leave your guesses in the comments ! More soon ! 😉 ) Hey Queendalers ! If you guessed " sleeping bag " , you got it ! So this week was a slow one . With all the seniors worrying about graduation and getting all their credits , there is no trouble for drama . Well , for the most part . So , Track season has come to a close . That said , Paul has still been practicing his skills , including soccer and basketball . I spotted him practicing with Emily at the park Thursday afternoon . Let me tell you , she was not so bad herself ! She put up a good game , kicking the ball with all her might into the net . Even with all Paul 's training , she gave him quite a workout . Still , she was no match for Paul and his superb goalie skills . He blocked every single one of Emilie 's balls despite her powerful force of kicks . Somehow , I think he will do just fine at either Bridgeport University or Alfred State with soccer . Unfortunately , it started to rain forty minutes later , ruining their fun . And it was coming down pretty hard . The two of them both then packed up their things and headed out . I however , would have stuck around if I was them . There is nothing like playing soccer in the rain . I love it ! Sure , you might slip and slide along the mud , but that 's more of the fun ! Emilie and Paul weren 't the only ones having fun this week . I spotted Evanglina and Ricky driving along this weekend together . It would seem that Evanglina has finally managed to get her permit and is working with Ricky to get her license ! Better now than never ! I 'm sure you are wondering how she has been doing since the whole fiasco last weekend . Well , Evanglina is now back at school and seems to be doing better . She still has some scars on her neck and face left from Jake 's abuse , but other than that , she seems to be okay . She does seem a little quieter and more guarded than usual , but who can blame her ? I can 't imagine dealing with what she has had to deal with for the past two years or more ! At least there is now a bit of happiness for her . I also saw her at the park again , strumming on her guitar along with Maria . The two of them are really on about this starting a band thing . They have even given themselves a name , " Evarie , " by putting their names together . And trust me , they are not bad . Their performance at the Prom has sparked a lot of attention and from what I 've heard , someone has posted a video of it online on " Youbook " , the social media Queendale teens are addicted to . The video has almost 250 , 000 views which is pretty good for Queendale and the state . These girls might be going places ! Although , I was a bit surprised to see they were watching the FearNet station . Funny , they didn 't even seem that scared . I would have been terrified out of my mind ! They show the creepiest movies on there , but there were the four of them laughing while watching ! Crazy ! The night then ended with a nice soak in the hot tub out back in the Emerson 's backyard . All four of them were laughing and seeming to be having a good time . Even Evanglina seemed to be enjoying herself . Maria shook her head . " I just can 't talk to him right now . I feel like my emotions are all over the place . On one side , I am still so angry that I can 't even think straight and then on the other side , I just miss him so much . " " Don 't Eva , " Kara said shaking her head . " You had to leave . You couldn 't stay in an environment like that . It was bad for you . I mean , look what Jake did to you ! " " Your mom is hurt now , but she caused this . She shouldn 't have let Jake do all that to you . I think right now you need to focus on you . " After soaking , they started to head inside , but then Evanglina said she had a spooky story to tell . They all then gathered on the ground and she began telling them a ghost story . As she told the story , they all got so into it , that they started jerking and pulling away as if Evanglina was the one doing all the killing in the story ! The four of them then headed inside . It is amazing how so much has changed , but the four of them have still managed to be good friends . Go figure . Hey Queendalers ! So I am sure you are all wondering exactly what is going on with the Marsens since last week 's post . Well , I actually do have some news , for those of you who don 't yet know . Here we go ! So as you know , Evanglina hasn 't really been in school the past week . While everyone figured that she was just sick ( and there may have been some truth to that ) , it would seem that she was at home because Jake and Henria were keeping her there . And of course , it only got worse after Kara told Evanglina about the possibility of Ricky being her father . Since that night that Jake dragged her upstairs to her room , Evanglina has not been seen out of the house . I 'm serious ! It 's like she disappeared . Kara and Derek have tried to see her a few times , but Henria always yells at them to leave and Jake slams the door in their faces . It is pretty obvious that they are basically keeping her trapped there , something that it would seem Sarah came to notice . After almost a week had passed , she made her way over to talk to Henria . It was Thursday afternoon to be exact . Henria didn 't want to let her in , but Sarah would not take no for an answer . She pushed her way through the door and into the house . " What do you want Sarah ? " Henria said rolling her eyes . Her face looked like she hadn 't slept in days . What on Earth was she taking ? " I came to see Evanglina , " said Sarah . " Kara said she hasn 't been in school for almost two weeks . She said she came over last week and snuck in to see her , but since then you haven 't been letting anyone in . So , I decided to come over to see for myself . " Henria scoffed . " I don 't know , and I really don 't care . Whatever the case , you wasted a trip . Evanglina isn 't having any visitors , so you can just go . " " Listen Henria , " Sarah snapped . " I am not going anywhere until I see Evanglina . I don 't care if she is contagious or whatever you say . I want to see her . Now . " Henria glared at her . " Excuse me , but this is my house and Evanglina is my daughter . You can 't just barge in here and order me around ! " " No ! " Sarah yelled . " You aren 't getting rid of me this time . I want to see her . Besides , the test results come back today . " Henria 's eyes widened . " W - what ? H - how are you running a test ? I have not given you permission nor have I given you any sample of Evanglina 's DNA ! " Sarah sighed . " I just want the truth Henria , and so does Ricky . " Just as she said this , a car pulled up and then Ricky emerged from the front door . " Looks like Ricky is here , " she said . " So it wasn 't some magical DNA . She got it off Evanglina 's used latte cup , from when she took her and Kara shopping . And I received the results right before I came here . " He pauses to take a deep breath . " Henria … I 'm her father . " I honestly wonder what reaction Ricky was hoping for . Maybe shock ? Surprise ? Horror ? I don 't know , but it was not what he got . After those words left his lips , she just stood there staring at him . " And how could I ? What with you screwing my sister back at home ! You chose her over us ! So Evanglina and I had to move on with our lives ! " " What do you mean us ? I didn 't even know you were pregnant ! You left town and never told me ! I would have never abandoned Evanglina ! " It 's amazing how this has turned into a shouting match . If anyone had been jogging by or even biking , they would have been able to hear their whole conversation . It was that loud , and also , the window happened to be open . " Well , I 'm sorry , but you can 't decide that anymore , Henria , " he said finally . " Evanglina is eighteen years old now , and she 's my daughter too . So that means I have just as much right as you do . " Henria scoffed . " Oh please , you haven 't even been a part of her life . In a custody hearing you wouldn 't have any say . " " Are you kidding ? " Ricky raised his eyebrows , " If we were negotiating for custody , you would be at a serious loss ! For goodness sakes , you are engaged to a man that allegedly imports drugs ! He is on the police station 's watch list ! " Henria sighed . " Ricky just came over to tell me how he and Sarah had my daughter tested to see if he is her father . Apparently , the test came back positive for a match . " Meanwhile , Jake just laughed . " That little b * * * * ( censoring ) doesn 't deserve to be called anything other than what she is . A dirty , little rotten slut . " Only Jake didn 't take that too well . He gritted his teeth and then tackled Ricky ! The two of them then went rolling onto the floor . Henria just stood above them watching in surprise and awe . The fight went on for a while with each of them struggling against each other . There is then a loud crashing sound and I can 't tell whether it was caused by them or from something upstairs . Ricky 's face looked totally furious while Jake had that killer look in his eyes . Scary ! Finally , they both pulled apart panting . At that same time , Evanglina and Sarah emerged from upstairs . Evanglina looked horrible and terribly weak as she followed behind her . Her face was sunken like she hasn 't slept in days , and there was still a bruise on her cheek from where Jake had backhanded her ; not to mention a few on her neck . " I got her out of her room , " Sarah interrupted . " The door was locked , so I had to break in to get her out . " She gave Henria a dirty look . " She was handcuffed to her bed . " Jake smirked . " Hey , some kids need harsher punishments for the message to sink in . Evanglina happens to be one of them . Only problem , she doesn 't seem to learn her lesson , as you can see . " " How dare you ! " Ricky made a move toward Jake , but he was too quick . Jake lunged at him and then the two them go at it again ! " We aren 't ! Evanglina wants to come with us , which I think is an excellent decision considering what is happening to her here ! Also , she is eighteen years old ! She can move out ! And you forcing her to stay here against her will , is basically kidnapping ! " " You don 't have a choice ! " Sarah said , and then sighed . " Ricky and I are walking out of here with Evanglina and if you try to stop us , I will call the police . " Evanglina just took one look at Henria and the house before turning away . Henria then stood by the doorsteps and watched Sarah 's car drive away before bursting into tears . I want to feel sorry for her , but I can 't . I am just too happy that finally Evanglina is out of that chaos . As Ricky and Sarah drove off into the distance , I couldn 't help but feel extremely relieved . I had been on the verge of blowing my cover to help Evanglina out . Luckily , I didn 't have to . Maybe just maybe , things might get better for that girl . One can hope . Well , that is it for this week . The weeks are dwindling down and summer is almost on us . Also , graduation is right around the corner ! Soon high school will be behind us . Let 's have a toast to bigger and better things in life . More soon my dearies ! Hey my Queendalers ! So last week 's code was a little weird , but some of you were still able to guess it , " butterfly . " Still , some of you did struggle with it , so I will leave the code for one more week for those of you that could not guess it . Well , this week 's post is a bit jam packed , so let me get started ! First of all , I spotted Angel and Claire at Feng Shui Fusion on Friday night . They were perched on stools while enjoying plates of sushi . Claire was going on about her irritation with the events of prom night . " I cannot believe that he ditched me for Kara , " she said , shaking her head . " I mean , its Kara ! I can 't believe he left me for that piece of trash . " " You 're complaining , " Angel gave her a look , " What about Claude ? He basically made me look like some pathetic loser ! Telling me that he had no interest in me romantically ? He basically " friend - zoned " me ! " ( Oh yes he did ! It was absolutely beautiful . ) " And on top of that , he also ditched me for Emilie ! That science geek ! " Angel rolled her eyes . " So , I think I had it a bit worse than you . " " I didn 't say she didn 't . " Angel sighed . " I 'm just saying maybe you shouldn 't have fought with her at the dance . You know how strict the principle was being about fights . " " Hey , no worries , " Angel then said . " This fall we will be in college and get to be around hot college guys . We won 't have to bother ourselves with these stupid high school guys anymore . " " Well , I heard back from Bridgeport University and Duke . They apparently both accepted me . I was a bit surprised about Duke . I got an interview and I didn 't think it went well . I guess there was something about me they liked . " Claire glared at him . " I dropped her off at home on my way home from school . Besides , I uninvited her . This dinner is just for Angel and I . " Claude stared at her for a moment in silence before responding . " To what are you implying ? I don 't believe I have ever messed with you . " Claude raised his eyebrows in realization . " Oh that . I was not messing with Angel . I simply told her that she had the wrong idea about us . We were just friends , but she had mistakenly thought we were more . " " That wasn 't her fault ! You asked her to the prom ! That is asking her out ! You are the one that suddenly changed your mind and wanted to be with , Emilie . " Still Claude pays her no mind . " Look , I didn 't come to argue with you . If Charlotte is at home like you say , I will just go and see her there . " He then turns and leaves , ignoring her loud comment about him being an " asswhole , " as he walks out . I swear , sometimes I wonder if Angel or Claire have any class left in their bodies . Not that they had much to begin with . In other news , I am sure you are wondering what has been going on with Evanglina since everything on the morning after prom night . Literally everyone is wondering that . No one has really seen much of Evanglina for the past week . I don 't think she has even been at school . Maybe she was sick ? Well , I found out the true reason that Friday afternoon . Kara , who had been trying to get into the Marsen house , was finally able to do so when Jake temporarily stepped outside for a few minutes to smoke ( yes , you know what ) . Kara crept in through the back door quietly and found Evanglina cleaning the kitchen . " Hey , what 's up ? " she said , walking over to her . " I haven 't really seen much of you in the past week . Is everything okay ? " It looked like Kara wasn 't buying it either . " Are you sure ? It 's not like you to miss four whole days of school . Not even for being sick . Then again , Monday you didn 't look too good . " Evanglina sighed . " I 'm sorry , my mom 's just really angry about prom night . I slept over at Derek 's house and she is really mad about it . They both are . " " I - I don 't . I - I just don 't want any more problems right now , " Evanglina said . Her voice sounded a little strained . Kara still looked worried , but she moved on . " Well , I came to tell you something . I 've actually been trying to get a hold of you so I could talk to you about it . " " So I heard my mother talking the other day about you and Ricky . It was so weird . She was on the phone with someone and she said something about them needing to hurry with some type of test results . " Kara nodded . " Yes . She was really annoyed about it too . She said that she had asked them to put a rush on it , because Ricky needed to know sooner rather than later . It seemed really important to her . " " I thought so too , but then I started thinking about back when I was talking to Ricky and I said that you and him looked alike . Well , he told me that my mom seemed to really think so and was obsessing over it . Now , he 's been talking about it a lot too . " Kara shrugged . " I know , it sounds crazy , but I really think she believes it ! And I 'll bet that those test results are to prove it . " " Your father . And honestly ? I think Ricky does so too . " Kara then smiled . " It 's weird to think about , right ? That said , it would explain why your mom hates the fact that he is married to my mom . Especially , if she has known all this time . " " My mom probably doesn 't know . She couldn 't . That would mean that she would have kept me from him for all these years . She may have problems , but she wouldn 't do that to me . Right ? " Kara jumped . " I should go ! I don 't want to get you in anymore trouble . Call me , me okay ? And call Derek . He 's really worried about you . " She then slipped out through the back door . Okay , now here is where things got crazy . Henria , as it turns out , was at home the whole time ! She was upstairs and after Kara left , she came slowly down the stairs . Jake coughing a bit from his joint , came walking in through the front door . " I thought we told you that you weren 't allowed any friends over ! Jakes bellowed . " Wow ! You think you can just do whatever you damn well please , don 't you ? " " No I don 't ! " Evanglina cried in frustration . " I didn 't invite her over ! She just came over because she wanted to tell me that Sarah was having some test being run . Something with me and Ricky . " " It 's a lie ! " Henria snapped . " Sarah doesn 't know what she 's talking about ! She 's crazy and making things up ! " " Look at what you 're doing ! " Jake said , glaring at Evanglina . " You 're upsetting your mother ! All for the stupid lie your slut aunt is telling . What an ungrateful waste of space ! " After he says this , Evanglina stared at him for a moment in shock . " I can 't believe you said that . " She then looked at Henria . " Mom ? Aren 't you going to say something ? " Evanglina shook her head . " You know what ? I can 't take this anymore ! I have put up with all this long enough ! I thought I could handle it until graduation , but I can 't ! I have had it ! I 'm moving out ! " " RICKY IS NOT YOUR FATHER ! " Henria screamed . She was on the verge of being hysterical . " HE is not a part of our family ! HE is with Sarah ! Not us ! So just let it go ! " And like usual , just as Evanglina finished saying this , Jake stepped forward and backhanded her hard across the face . Only this time , even I could see that he left a mark . I then noticed that he was wearing some type of ring on his finger and it totally scraped her face during the hit . There was a long gash on Evanglina 's cheek and blood was starting to seep through . But Jake didn 't stop there . He slapped Evanglina several more times and when she fell , he began to kick her body roughly . I literally watched in horror as Jake beat Evanglina up and her mother just stood watching without lifting a finger to help her . Seriously ! She just stood there watching like her mind was somewhere else . I was on the verge of calling the police , when Jake finally stopped . " I told you that you hadn 't seen anything yet , " Jake sneered . " And if you ever talk like that to your mother again , I can do much , much worse . Keep going and you might just not be able to use those legs for a while . " He then grabbed Evanglina by the arm and pulled her up the stairs . You could hear Evanglina 's screams and shouts as he dragged her up the staircase while yelling , " Shut up or I 'll give you something to shout about ! " Then silence when her bedroom door closed loudly . Now I have to say , I am left in a position of confusion . On one hand , I am just a blogger who reports what I see and remains out of the conflicts , but what if I see something that is serious ? What then ? Do I get involved and do something about it ? Or do I watch for the situation to play out ? Well , for now , I will be keeping a close eye on the Marsens as I figure out how to approach this . Meanwhile , please feel free to forward this to anyone you think can help . Violence should never be tolerated , especially not from parents to children . And from the way things are going , Evanglina is going to need all the help she can get to get out of this situation . |
Hey Queendalers ! So if you guessed " Hawks " you guessed right ! I couldn 't resist using our loveable mascot as a code word ! Next week 's code will be a pretty easy one as well , in honor of it being my final post . But we will get to that later . Onto the post ! So since Sarah and Ricky rescued Evanglina from Jake and Henria , Ricky has been spending a lot of time with her . It 's almost as if they are trying to make up for eighteen lost years in just a month ! I spotted them Thursday afternoon hanging out at McDoogles . They had a nice lunch of burgers and fries and then played some of the arcade games . I even caught them playing a game of foosball at one of the tables in the back . Man , it has been so long since I have played that game . I used to love playing it as a kid . Evanglina then let go of the table . " No I don 't , " she said , a bit too loudly , causing people to stare . She then turned and walked out the door with Ricky following behind her . Ricky smiled . " It 's okay . I understand . I shouldn 't have pushed you . I guess I just wanted to know how you were feeling . This whole situation is - " " Crazy , " Evanglina finished . She then exhaled sharply . " I just wish she had been honest with all of us a long time ago . Then things wouldn 't be like this . I 'm just so confused and I don 't know how to feel . " " See , that 's what I don 't get , " Evanglina then said , shaking her head . " My mother lied to you . She lied to you ! She didn 't tell you that you were my father and hid it for eighteen years , and she was going to keep hiding it if Aunt Sarah didn 't find out the truth . Why aren 't you angry with her ? How can you just forgive her and want me to talk to her ? " Ricky looked at Evanglina quietly for a minute and then sighed . " I am angry , Evanglina , very , but it won 't change anything . What happened , happened and as much as I hate it , I may have been part to blame for why she lied in the first place . " " Yes , that . I didn 't deal with the situation very well ; neither of us did , and we really hurt your mother in the process . I 'm not saying all this was okay , but I do see where she might have been coming from . I think she has been carrying what happened between us for all these years . " Evanglina lifted her shoulders . " Fine . Maybe you 're right . But what about Jake ? Ever since she started dating him , she has been all about him and never about me . " " She has taken his word over mine so many times that I have lost count ! Every time I tried to tell her about something that he did to me , she would never believe me ! Every time he slapped me , cursed at me or even threatened me , she never listened . He even beat me up in front of her twice and she just watched ! " Evanglina shook her head . " All that I have gone through because of her , I can 't forgive . " " It always amazes me when you talk about it . It makes me so angry that you had to go through all that . I wish I could have been there for you . " " I 'm not trying to defend her . I 'm not even asking you to forgive her . I just think you should talk to her . Maybe she wouldn 't be hounding you so much if you told her what you just told me . " Evanglina stared at him for a moment in silence and then nodded . " Maybe you 're right , " she said . " I just don 't know if I am ready to . " After leaving McDoogles , they both head to the beach and skip some stones into the ocean . Ricky has a long arm and is able to get his stone to skip several times before it drops underwater . I have tried to do that so many times , but I can only get mine to skip twice . They then take a dip in the ocean , splashing around in the water . The sky starts to darken , but they both didn 't seem to care . I can 't help but feel happy for her . Evanglina finally has the family she has always wanted . In other news , Claude and Emilie have been spending a lot of time together . I have been seeing an awful lot of them around town . I guess with him leaving , Emilie wanted to get as much time with him as possible . The day before he left , I saw them hanging together at Marcelle Park . They stay like that for almost thirty minutes and even shared a few passionate kisses before leaving . I think it helped that the park happened to be empty that day . Not that I think either of them would have cared all that much . Claude grinned . " Especially then . I want to hear all about how things are at Columbia . I 'm so happy you got accepted . I know how much you wanted to go there . " Emilie 's cheeks reddened . " Thanks , and I am happy for you for getting into the University of Cambridge . I want to hear all about that too . " They then pull in for a kiss and spend the next few minutes doing so in the warm summer breeze . They seem almost lost in each other and I am starting to feel like a hidden third wheel . Not that I haven 't felt this way many times before . Then with a final hug and kiss , Claude took off , leaving Emilie standing in front of the gate watching after him . My heart breaks for her . I can 't imagine gaining my first boyfriend and then having him leave me to return home . Another reason why I don 't do long distance . So that makes the end of this week 's posts . I can 't believe it , but next week will be my last post as Lexie . It 's crazy how time flies . That said , keep up with your guesses , because in just a week you may just know who Lexie really is . Hey my Queendalers ! If you guessed the code word " fight , " you guessed right ! I hope you Queendale High students knew that one because if you didn 't , you need to get some school spirit ! Anyways , I am so sorry that I haven 't posted in a month . Things have been so crazy with school ending and graduation that Lexie has not had time to write ; but fear not ! Lexie is back and has some juice to share about graduation and grad night ! So as I said earlier , the night of graduation has finally arrived ! In the early evening of the wondrous day , I spotted Evanglina and Kara leaving the house to go to the City Hall auditorium . It is crazy how much people can change in a month . It feels like everyone has already matured into adults ! I thought this as I reached the city hall and saw Maria Henderson arriving in her cap and gown . She looked absolutely beautiful as she walked up the steps , just like a young woman . Time really goes by , doesn 't it ? After Maria had arrived with Josephina and her parents and went inside , more students started arriving . I happened to notice Angel as she passed by and entered the building . Her hair was tucked neatly into her cap which is the first time I have really seen her face , clearly . Is it rude for me to say she looks older than I thought she did ? I saw Claire and Adam arrive together with Claire in a snow - white dress . I was a bit confused , but then I heard that Claire had accidently misplaced her graduation gown ! Awkward ! She was going to have to walk onstage dressed out of uniform . I guess her mother had tried to make her feel better by letting her borrow one of her formal dresses , but honestly , I think it just makes it more obvious that she forgot her cap and gown . The ceremony itself , went very well . There were choir and orchestra performances and then the valedictorian , Emilie Nelson , said a few words . I was not surprised it was her , for she was the most studious student in the whole school . She even founded the Pre - Med club , something that has not been done before around here . Senior Class president was originally Abigail Best , but since she was still gone , the task was given to Claire . I do have to say it was awkward with her dressed in that white dress . I was surprised , but Claire gave a surprisingly good speech . Not as good as Emilie 's , but not bad . By the time the ceremony was over , all the seniors were pretty pumped . I also spotted Derek and Adam coming out through the doors together with him twirling his diploma in his hand . I swear he grew an inch or two from May till now ! Adam too ! A few minutes later , I saw Derek standing with Evanglina ( surprise , surprise ) . They shared a warm embrace and kiss , as they stood there together . I 'm sure Angel and Claire were not too happy about it . They have been giving her the cold shoulder all night ! I then saw Kara standing not too far off tossing her diploma as well . Ricky was standing nearby smiling along with Sarah . It sure is nice to see them all looking so happy after the whole thing with Jake and Henria . And was it just me , or does Sarah 's stomach look a little bigger than usual ? Could she possibly be eating for two ? Time will tell ! I also saw Emilie coming out of city hall as well . She was grinning from ear to ear and carrying her diploma . She looked extremely proud of herself , which I think was totally well deserved . Those last words of her speech , " No matter where we go or live or what we become , we will always be Queendale Hawks at heart , " really resonated with me , and by the way everyone was cheering , it resonated with them too . It was starting to get a bit crowded in front , until people started dispersing . Then through the crowd , I saw Maria chatting with David Maxwell ! I thought it was a bit awkward , but from what I heard , he was congratulating her and wishing her well . Something tells me that he has been talking to Adam lately . I also saw Angel watching them from the corner of her eye . I 'm telling you , if that girl could rid the world of Maria and Evanglina … A while later I spotted Claire finally emerge from the city hall doors , yes , still in her white ball gown . I am surprised that she didn 't get grief about it . The principle is pretty stringent about those kinds of things . Then again , the Maxwells have donated a lot of money to the school , so maybe the principle decided to look the other way . Thirty minutes later , the crowd started to thin out some more . I was then able to see Paul and Brian Nelson coming out of the building . He had traded his cap for a baseball one and was wearing a little smirk . " Hey seniors ! " he called out then , " Don 't forget ! Bonfire starts at the beach in thirty minutes ! " This was followed by loud cheers , which I saw many parents cover their ears to . Evanglina grinned . " Thank you . It means a lot coming from you , " she said , and then with a little wave , she heads off to Derek 's motorcycle where he was waiting for her . Wow . It is amazing how close the two of them have gotten in such a small amount of time . I caught Derek and Adam even stopping to take in the scenery . And may I say , they both looked fantastic in their bathing suits . All rock hard and chiseled . Even I 'm getting all hot and bothered ! It looked like someone brought over a portable boom box and started blaring some tunes from the speakers . I even saw an ice shaving machine ! Maria took advantage of this as I saw her walking off with a lemon ice shaving . I even happened to snag a cherry and blue raspberry flavored one without anyone noticing . Delicious ! I spotted Josephina arriving a bit later in a pair of boots . She totally had that pirate thing going on ! There was a buffet table up on the beach lookout , and it seemed both she and Adam were heading right up to it . " Kara got accepted too , " she was saying . " She also got accepted into the University of Aderson and Cleveland University , but she chose the same as me . " She laughed . " I 'd be lying if I said I wasn 't happy about it . " Emilie smiled . " That 's great ! I hear Maria and Derek are going there as well . It 's nice that you will all be together . " " Yah , but it won 't be the same without you . " Evanglina sighed . " Still , I 'm so happy you got into Columbia University . " Emilie shrugged . " I 'm not totally sure . He seems split between Alfred State and Bridgeport , but if I could place a bet , I 'd say Alfred State . I think its Kara that is making him confused , what with them now dating and everything . " Out on the deck , Adam and Josephina were still munching on the buffet food . But that wasn 't all . It would seem that Adam had a bit of an ulterior motive for eating with her . As they ate , he seemed to be asking a lot of questions about Maria and how she was doing , including , asking where she was thinking about going to school . " Trust me Adam . Talk to her , " she said , and then she left the deck . Goodness . If Adam is still after Maria after all this time , I really think that boy is head over heels . Seriously . I even feel a bit bad for him . Maria took a deep breath . " I really like NYU , but the music program at Bridgeport University is amazing . Also , I have always wanted to go to school in Bridgeport . " " I think you just need to talk to him about it . Really talk to him . Make him understand how you feel . At least then you both aren 't walking on egg shells . " They are both quiet and then laugh . " No ! " They say in unison and then walk off toward the bonfire . Here 's to wishing them both a stress - free summer . Derek and Evanglina seemed to be getting a little mushy by the fire pit while dancing to the music from the boombox . Seeing them together so happy , I can 't help but wonder if they will still be together this time next year . Then again , if they can get through everything they have been through over the past year and a half , I think they can get through anything . They just might be the couple that will someday make it down the alter . As for Adam and Maria , who knows . Things aren 't looking that great for them . Although I did happen to catch them finally speaking to each other before the party ended . Adam seemed to want to go on , but Maria didn 't seem ready . I heard her say something about meeting up later this week and then she turned and left . Adam looked crushed , but a little hopeful . Don 't worry my Queendalers , I will keep my eye on that development . Emilie and Claude were also still left chatting away with each other . It 's so strange to see Emilie with a boyfriend . She has really come out of her shell over the year . " Paul , I don 't want you to have any regrets about the school you go to . I want you to go to the one that makes you the happiest . Even if that means I won 't be there . " Kara laughed . " I 'm not like other girls . And I want you to be happy . Besides , we won 't be too far from each other . Just an hour away . " And just like the end of a chick flick rom - com movie , they shared a lip lock under the stars . Not trying to be cheesy , but it was definitely a " The Notebook " like kiss . I guess we now know where Paul will be going . Alfred State , here he comes ! Well , that ends grad night for the seniors ! Congratulations to all of you ! Go Hawks ! And to those of you still guessing my identity , you are getting very close ! Hey Queendalers ! Code word for this week , is " calendar . " I thought it was fitting considering how fast time has been flying by . In just a month , school will be out for the summer ! Life is crazy , huh ? Well I won 't waste any time with my personal rambling . Let 's get right to it ! So Henrietta was spotted at " The Maxwell " earlier this week . She was having lunch with a friend , one I can only assume was from work . Henrietta has now turned from her life as a lady of leisure and to become a receptionist at one of the local salons . And from the conversation she was having , she wasn 't too happy about it . " And that woman wouldn 't know a brush if it hit her in the face , " Henrietta was saying about a customer . " I 'm telling you Lisa , the most outrageous people show up at the salon . I don 't know how you have put up with it all these years . " Lisa rolled her eyes . " Tell me about it . I swear , some people shouldn 't even be allowed in there . I have to fix her split ends and her horribly frizzy up do , and she has the nerve to give me attitude ? They are the worst . " Henrietta nodded . " She 's even said that . Nonetheless , Luke is her real father and he wants a relationship with her . He won 't stop until he forms one . He feels like he has been robbed of a life with her . " " That and you helped get me a job after the divorce . " Henrietta sighed again . " The way Damien is going , I 'm going to end up with nothing in the divorce settlement . He 's basically making it seem like I just married him for his money . " " Didn 't you also claim you married Luke for that reason ? What made you two divorce ? Wasn 't it because he went bankrupt ? " When Henrietta gave her a dirty look , Lisa chuckled . " Okay , all right . I 'll stop . I am on your side . It 's just you are in a pretty sticky situation . " " Well , Derek seems to be leaning toward Bridgeport University , but Damien really wants him to go to his Alma Mater , University of Columbia Heights . Angel on the other hand , I don 't know . She hasn 't heard back from any of her schools yet , and she doesn 't really seem to care too much . " Henrietta looked away . " I am a bit worried about her . " Lisa grinned . " I think Angel is just trying to find herself . With everything going on with her , it 's not a surprise to me that she would be confused . I 'm sure she will figure things out in time . " " I know . And I 'll bet she knows it too . She just needs some time . " Lisa then clasped her hands together . " Now let 's order . I 'm famished . " They then turn back to their menus and begin to order . I still can 't believe Henrietta has a job . Granted , it is a job that totally suits her , but still . I never thought I would see the day that Henrietta would have to work . Karma 's a witch , isn 't it ? Speaking of Angel , I spotted her later that evening at the club owned by Damien . She was there with Claire and they seemed pretty down . I am not too surprised since they have been that way since Prom . I 'll bet it is the first time that both of them have lost the guys they were dating . They won 't stop talking about it ! Upon arriving they headed straight to the Karaoke booth and started singing ( well , screeching ) song after song . And I mean from Paula Deana 's hits to oldies , like the spice girls . It was crazy and extremely obnoxious . Not that anyone said a word . I think they all knew who Angel and Claire 's parents were . After thirty minutes had passed , the room started to empty . I think people had heard enough of their squawking and needed some peace . I even felt like I was losing my mind . " Tell me about it . " Angel flipped a strand of her hair over her shoulder . " My mom won 't stop bugging me about school , and , well … Luke . " " He 's not my dad . Well , he is , but - " Angel broke off and sighed . " I don 't know , the whole thing is kind of confusing to me right now . I 'm just not ready to talk to him yet . " " I can 't blame you . I don 't know how I would feel if I found out my dad wasn 't my real dad . I don 't know how you 've been able to deal with it . " Claire shrugged . " Hey , you were in a bad place that night . I just wish Claude had been gentleman enough to take you home . I can 't believe he just left you there like that . What a jerk . " " Ugh , that freak . " Claire rolled her eyes . " I don 't even know what he sees in her . Have you been seeing the two of them lately ? They 've been all lovey dovey and gross . " " I know ! " Angel shivered . " It 's almost as bad as Paul and Kara . I totally caught them making out in the park this week . " She makes a gagging motion with her finger and tongue . " Tell me about it . I 'd say it has been that way since the Marsens moved in last year . Not to mention when Adam started dating Maria . " " Don 't even bring that up , " Claire said shaking her head . " I have been trying to get Adam to just let her go , but he refuses to . I just hope he goes to Duke University so he can be away from her . " " Yah , but I 've decided not to go . I accepted the offer to Cleveland University instead . That said , I kind of have other plans for after graduation . What about you ? Have you gotten accepted anywhere ? " Angel looked down at her plate in silence . " No . I 've actually been rejected from all the schools I applied to . I haven 't told my mom about it , I just said that I hadn 't received all my letters yet . I don 't know how to tell her . " Angel nodded . " I know , I just don 't know how . Honestly , I don 't really think I am ready to go to college . I feel like I just want to go out and explore the world for a bit first . If I went , I wouldn 't even know what to study or anything . I just don 't think it is right for me . " " So , I talked to my mom about me taking some time off before going to Cleveland University . I managed to delay my acceptance to them for a quarter and I talked my mom into letting me go stay with my aunt in France . Maybe if you talked to your mom , you could come with me ! Can you imagine the adventures we would have in Paris ? " " Of course ! Besides , it would be fun to have you along . It was going to be a bit lonely going by myself since both of my cousins are going to a university in Barcelona . If you come with me , it could be us against Paris . " Angel grinned . " I 'll talk to my mom . And you know , she just might agree to it . It beats me siting around and looking pitiful until next year rolls around . " " I hear you . " Claire then glanced over her shoulder and seemed to finally spot Charlotte singing her rendition of " Blame It On The Weatherman , " by B * witched . " We should go . Charlotte is getting a bit carried away . " Charlotte had taken off with the song and was even hitting high notes . The audience that had left from Claire and Angel 's screeching , had returned and were cheering her on . I am sure going to miss having Charlotte around when school ends . She really has given Angel and Claire a run for their money . Well , minus them using her to break up Adam and Maria , and attempting to do the same with Evanglina and Derek . " I can 't believe Jake did all those things to you . " Derek shook his head , and cursed under his breath . " He 's disgusting . " " No argument here , " Evanglina said in agreement . " I was so relieved when Aunt Sarah showed up with Ricky . I 'm just so happy to be out of there . Things have been so much better . It was so stupid of me not to say anything . I should have listened to you . " Evanglina exhaled deeply . " I know she was probably high on those drugs Jake uses , but still . She just stood and watched ! And that 's not all . She has always chosen Jake over me . I 'm just so angry with her . " Evanglina smiled . " You have . You 've been helping me since all this started . I never had the courage to stand up to Jake before I met you . " " Mine too , " said Evanglina . She then leaned over to touch something in the car and after , music began to emit from the speakers . Ironically , it was Paula Deana 's romantic hit song , " Without You . " " Can you believe that in just a month we won 't be high schoolers anymore ? " " I know , it 's crazy . " Derek shook his head . " I used to feel like high school would never end . Now , I don 't know if I want it to . " Evanglina looked surprised when he said that . " You 're going to Bridgeport University ? I thought your dad wanted you to go to University of Columbia Heights ? " " I 'm not . I 've always wanted to go to Bridgeport University . I 've spent so much time in Queendale that it would be nice to go somewhere different for a change . " " That 's true . I 've been mostly everywhere , but the big city . It will be a nice change . " Evanglina looked upward once again . " To be honest , I 've always seen it in my future . Me graduating from a college in the city and then starting a life there . " Evanglina looked surprised . " You mean , like married ? " When Derek nodded , Evanglina grinned . " I don 't know … maybe . Life is crazy though . " " So , you don 't see it ? " Derek looked a little disappointed , and I couldn 't blame him . She kind of rejected the idea a bit . Evanglina shook her head . " I didn 't say that . I just think we 're still so young ! " She then laughed . " That said , I think that if you and I make it through our four years of college together , then yes . I can definitely see it . " It 's then that I decided to take my leave and give them a bit of privacy , but not before snapping another pic of them . They are so adorable ! I still can 't believe they were cheated from Prom King and Queen ! Although , at this point the whole school pretty much knows that Angel bribed Greg Jensen . I 'm surprised that the principle hasn 't asked her to give her crown up . He is totally the type to do that ! Not that Angel would give it up willingly . After everything she has been going through , that crown is probably her one piece of salvation ! Well , that 's it for this week . Only a few posts left , and that means only a few posts left to guess who I am . Yes , you guessed it , I am a Queendale graduate this year ! So time is running out for you , my dearies ! Keep guessing , and I will be revealing my identity in my last post ! Guess correctly and you may just get a shout out ! More soon ! ( Hey my readers ! Thank you so much for reading my story ! There are only a few posts left of Kisses , Lexie , so stay tuned ! Has anyone figured out Lexie 's identity yet ? Leave your guesses in the comments ! More soon ! 😉 ) Hey Queendalers ! If you guessed " sleeping bag " , you got it ! So this week was a slow one . With all the seniors worrying about graduation and getting all their credits , there is no trouble for drama . Well , for the most part . So , Track season has come to a close . That said , Paul has still been practicing his skills , including soccer and basketball . I spotted him practicing with Emily at the park Thursday afternoon . Let me tell you , she was not so bad herself ! She put up a good game , kicking the ball with all her might into the net . Even with all Paul 's training , she gave him quite a workout . Still , she was no match for Paul and his superb goalie skills . He blocked every single one of Emilie 's balls despite her powerful force of kicks . Somehow , I think he will do just fine at either Bridgeport University or Alfred State with soccer . Unfortunately , it started to rain forty minutes later , ruining their fun . And it was coming down pretty hard . The two of them both then packed up their things and headed out . I however , would have stuck around if I was them . There is nothing like playing soccer in the rain . I love it ! Sure , you might slip and slide along the mud , but that 's more of the fun ! Emilie and Paul weren 't the only ones having fun this week . I spotted Evanglina and Ricky driving along this weekend together . It would seem that Evanglina has finally managed to get her permit and is working with Ricky to get her license ! Better now than never ! I 'm sure you are wondering how she has been doing since the whole fiasco last weekend . Well , Evanglina is now back at school and seems to be doing better . She still has some scars on her neck and face left from Jake 's abuse , but other than that , she seems to be okay . She does seem a little quieter and more guarded than usual , but who can blame her ? I can 't imagine dealing with what she has had to deal with for the past two years or more ! At least there is now a bit of happiness for her . I also saw her at the park again , strumming on her guitar along with Maria . The two of them are really on about this starting a band thing . They have even given themselves a name , " Evarie , " by putting their names together . And trust me , they are not bad . Their performance at the Prom has sparked a lot of attention and from what I 've heard , someone has posted a video of it online on " Youbook " , the social media Queendale teens are addicted to . The video has almost 250 , 000 views which is pretty good for Queendale and the state . These girls might be going places ! Although , I was a bit surprised to see they were watching the FearNet station . Funny , they didn 't even seem that scared . I would have been terrified out of my mind ! They show the creepiest movies on there , but there were the four of them laughing while watching ! Crazy ! The night then ended with a nice soak in the hot tub out back in the Emerson 's backyard . All four of them were laughing and seeming to be having a good time . Even Evanglina seemed to be enjoying herself . Maria shook her head . " I just can 't talk to him right now . I feel like my emotions are all over the place . On one side , I am still so angry that I can 't even think straight and then on the other side , I just miss him so much . " " Don 't Eva , " Kara said shaking her head . " You had to leave . You couldn 't stay in an environment like that . It was bad for you . I mean , look what Jake did to you ! " " Your mom is hurt now , but she caused this . She shouldn 't have let Jake do all that to you . I think right now you need to focus on you . " After soaking , they started to head inside , but then Evanglina said she had a spooky story to tell . They all then gathered on the ground and she began telling them a ghost story . As she told the story , they all got so into it , that they started jerking and pulling away as if Evanglina was the one doing all the killing in the story ! The four of them then headed inside . It is amazing how so much has changed , but the four of them have still managed to be good friends . Go figure . Hey Queendalers ! So I am sure you are all wondering exactly what is going on with the Marsens since last week 's post . Well , I actually do have some news , for those of you who don 't yet know . Here we go ! So as you know , Evanglina hasn 't really been in school the past week . While everyone figured that she was just sick ( and there may have been some truth to that ) , it would seem that she was at home because Jake and Henria were keeping her there . And of course , it only got worse after Kara told Evanglina about the possibility of Ricky being her father . Since that night that Jake dragged her upstairs to her room , Evanglina has not been seen out of the house . I 'm serious ! It 's like she disappeared . Kara and Derek have tried to see her a few times , but Henria always yells at them to leave and Jake slams the door in their faces . It is pretty obvious that they are basically keeping her trapped there , something that it would seem Sarah came to notice . After almost a week had passed , she made her way over to talk to Henria . It was Thursday afternoon to be exact . Henria didn 't want to let her in , but Sarah would not take no for an answer . She pushed her way through the door and into the house . " What do you want Sarah ? " Henria said rolling her eyes . Her face looked like she hadn 't slept in days . What on Earth was she taking ? " I came to see Evanglina , " said Sarah . " Kara said she hasn 't been in school for almost two weeks . She said she came over last week and snuck in to see her , but since then you haven 't been letting anyone in . So , I decided to come over to see for myself . " Henria scoffed . " I don 't know , and I really don 't care . Whatever the case , you wasted a trip . Evanglina isn 't having any visitors , so you can just go . " " Listen Henria , " Sarah snapped . " I am not going anywhere until I see Evanglina . I don 't care if she is contagious or whatever you say . I want to see her . Now . " Henria glared at her . " Excuse me , but this is my house and Evanglina is my daughter . You can 't just barge in here and order me around ! " " No ! " Sarah yelled . " You aren 't getting rid of me this time . I want to see her . Besides , the test results come back today . " Henria 's eyes widened . " W - what ? H - how are you running a test ? I have not given you permission nor have I given you any sample of Evanglina 's DNA ! " Sarah sighed . " I just want the truth Henria , and so does Ricky . " Just as she said this , a car pulled up and then Ricky emerged from the front door . " Looks like Ricky is here , " she said . " So it wasn 't some magical DNA . She got it off Evanglina 's used latte cup , from when she took her and Kara shopping . And I received the results right before I came here . " He pauses to take a deep breath . " Henria … I 'm her father . " I honestly wonder what reaction Ricky was hoping for . Maybe shock ? Surprise ? Horror ? I don 't know , but it was not what he got . After those words left his lips , she just stood there staring at him . " And how could I ? What with you screwing my sister back at home ! You chose her over us ! So Evanglina and I had to move on with our lives ! " " What do you mean us ? I didn 't even know you were pregnant ! You left town and never told me ! I would have never abandoned Evanglina ! " It 's amazing how this has turned into a shouting match . If anyone had been jogging by or even biking , they would have been able to hear their whole conversation . It was that loud , and also , the window happened to be open . " Well , I 'm sorry , but you can 't decide that anymore , Henria , " he said finally . " Evanglina is eighteen years old now , and she 's my daughter too . So that means I have just as much right as you do . " Henria scoffed . " Oh please , you haven 't even been a part of her life . In a custody hearing you wouldn 't have any say . " " Are you kidding ? " Ricky raised his eyebrows , " If we were negotiating for custody , you would be at a serious loss ! For goodness sakes , you are engaged to a man that allegedly imports drugs ! He is on the police station 's watch list ! " Henria sighed . " Ricky just came over to tell me how he and Sarah had my daughter tested to see if he is her father . Apparently , the test came back positive for a match . " Meanwhile , Jake just laughed . " That little b * * * * ( censoring ) doesn 't deserve to be called anything other than what she is . A dirty , little rotten slut . " Only Jake didn 't take that too well . He gritted his teeth and then tackled Ricky ! The two of them then went rolling onto the floor . Henria just stood above them watching in surprise and awe . The fight went on for a while with each of them struggling against each other . There is then a loud crashing sound and I can 't tell whether it was caused by them or from something upstairs . Ricky 's face looked totally furious while Jake had that killer look in his eyes . Scary ! Finally , they both pulled apart panting . At that same time , Evanglina and Sarah emerged from upstairs . Evanglina looked horrible and terribly weak as she followed behind her . Her face was sunken like she hasn 't slept in days , and there was still a bruise on her cheek from where Jake had backhanded her ; not to mention a few on her neck . " I got her out of her room , " Sarah interrupted . " The door was locked , so I had to break in to get her out . " She gave Henria a dirty look . " She was handcuffed to her bed . " Jake smirked . " Hey , some kids need harsher punishments for the message to sink in . Evanglina happens to be one of them . Only problem , she doesn 't seem to learn her lesson , as you can see . " " How dare you ! " Ricky made a move toward Jake , but he was too quick . Jake lunged at him and then the two them go at it again ! " We aren 't ! Evanglina wants to come with us , which I think is an excellent decision considering what is happening to her here ! Also , she is eighteen years old ! She can move out ! And you forcing her to stay here against her will , is basically kidnapping ! " " You don 't have a choice ! " Sarah said , and then sighed . " Ricky and I are walking out of here with Evanglina and if you try to stop us , I will call the police . " Evanglina just took one look at Henria and the house before turning away . Henria then stood by the doorsteps and watched Sarah 's car drive away before bursting into tears . I want to feel sorry for her , but I can 't . I am just too happy that finally Evanglina is out of that chaos . As Ricky and Sarah drove off into the distance , I couldn 't help but feel extremely relieved . I had been on the verge of blowing my cover to help Evanglina out . Luckily , I didn 't have to . Maybe just maybe , things might get better for that girl . One can hope . Well , that is it for this week . The weeks are dwindling down and summer is almost on us . Also , graduation is right around the corner ! Soon high school will be behind us . Let 's have a toast to bigger and better things in life . More soon my dearies ! Hey my Queendalers ! So last week 's code was a little weird , but some of you were still able to guess it , " butterfly . " Still , some of you did struggle with it , so I will leave the code for one more week for those of you that could not guess it . Well , this week 's post is a bit jam packed , so let me get started ! First of all , I spotted Angel and Claire at Feng Shui Fusion on Friday night . They were perched on stools while enjoying plates of sushi . Claire was going on about her irritation with the events of prom night . " I cannot believe that he ditched me for Kara , " she said , shaking her head . " I mean , its Kara ! I can 't believe he left me for that piece of trash . " " You 're complaining , " Angel gave her a look , " What about Claude ? He basically made me look like some pathetic loser ! Telling me that he had no interest in me romantically ? He basically " friend - zoned " me ! " ( Oh yes he did ! It was absolutely beautiful . ) " And on top of that , he also ditched me for Emilie ! That science geek ! " Angel rolled her eyes . " So , I think I had it a bit worse than you . " " I didn 't say she didn 't . " Angel sighed . " I 'm just saying maybe you shouldn 't have fought with her at the dance . You know how strict the principle was being about fights . " " Hey , no worries , " Angel then said . " This fall we will be in college and get to be around hot college guys . We won 't have to bother ourselves with these stupid high school guys anymore . " " Well , I heard back from Bridgeport University and Duke . They apparently both accepted me . I was a bit surprised about Duke . I got an interview and I didn 't think it went well . I guess there was something about me they liked . " Claire glared at him . " I dropped her off at home on my way home from school . Besides , I uninvited her . This dinner is just for Angel and I . " Claude stared at her for a moment in silence before responding . " To what are you implying ? I don 't believe I have ever messed with you . " Claude raised his eyebrows in realization . " Oh that . I was not messing with Angel . I simply told her that she had the wrong idea about us . We were just friends , but she had mistakenly thought we were more . " " That wasn 't her fault ! You asked her to the prom ! That is asking her out ! You are the one that suddenly changed your mind and wanted to be with , Emilie . " Still Claude pays her no mind . " Look , I didn 't come to argue with you . If Charlotte is at home like you say , I will just go and see her there . " He then turns and leaves , ignoring her loud comment about him being an " asswhole , " as he walks out . I swear , sometimes I wonder if Angel or Claire have any class left in their bodies . Not that they had much to begin with . In other news , I am sure you are wondering what has been going on with Evanglina since everything on the morning after prom night . Literally everyone is wondering that . No one has really seen much of Evanglina for the past week . I don 't think she has even been at school . Maybe she was sick ? Well , I found out the true reason that Friday afternoon . Kara , who had been trying to get into the Marsen house , was finally able to do so when Jake temporarily stepped outside for a few minutes to smoke ( yes , you know what ) . Kara crept in through the back door quietly and found Evanglina cleaning the kitchen . " Hey , what 's up ? " she said , walking over to her . " I haven 't really seen much of you in the past week . Is everything okay ? " It looked like Kara wasn 't buying it either . " Are you sure ? It 's not like you to miss four whole days of school . Not even for being sick . Then again , Monday you didn 't look too good . " Evanglina sighed . " I 'm sorry , my mom 's just really angry about prom night . I slept over at Derek 's house and she is really mad about it . They both are . " " I - I don 't . I - I just don 't want any more problems right now , " Evanglina said . Her voice sounded a little strained . Kara still looked worried , but she moved on . " Well , I came to tell you something . I 've actually been trying to get a hold of you so I could talk to you about it . " " So I heard my mother talking the other day about you and Ricky . It was so weird . She was on the phone with someone and she said something about them needing to hurry with some type of test results . " Kara nodded . " Yes . She was really annoyed about it too . She said that she had asked them to put a rush on it , because Ricky needed to know sooner rather than later . It seemed really important to her . " " I thought so too , but then I started thinking about back when I was talking to Ricky and I said that you and him looked alike . Well , he told me that my mom seemed to really think so and was obsessing over it . Now , he 's been talking about it a lot too . " Kara shrugged . " I know , it sounds crazy , but I really think she believes it ! And I 'll bet that those test results are to prove it . " " Your father . And honestly ? I think Ricky does so too . " Kara then smiled . " It 's weird to think about , right ? That said , it would explain why your mom hates the fact that he is married to my mom . Especially , if she has known all this time . " " My mom probably doesn 't know . She couldn 't . That would mean that she would have kept me from him for all these years . She may have problems , but she wouldn 't do that to me . Right ? " Kara jumped . " I should go ! I don 't want to get you in anymore trouble . Call me , me okay ? And call Derek . He 's really worried about you . " She then slipped out through the back door . Okay , now here is where things got crazy . Henria , as it turns out , was at home the whole time ! She was upstairs and after Kara left , she came slowly down the stairs . Jake coughing a bit from his joint , came walking in through the front door . " I thought we told you that you weren 't allowed any friends over ! Jakes bellowed . " Wow ! You think you can just do whatever you damn well please , don 't you ? " " No I don 't ! " Evanglina cried in frustration . " I didn 't invite her over ! She just came over because she wanted to tell me that Sarah was having some test being run . Something with me and Ricky . " " It 's a lie ! " Henria snapped . " Sarah doesn 't know what she 's talking about ! She 's crazy and making things up ! " " Look at what you 're doing ! " Jake said , glaring at Evanglina . " You 're upsetting your mother ! All for the stupid lie your slut aunt is telling . What an ungrateful waste of space ! " After he says this , Evanglina stared at him for a moment in shock . " I can 't believe you said that . " She then looked at Henria . " Mom ? Aren 't you going to say something ? " Evanglina shook her head . " You know what ? I can 't take this anymore ! I have put up with all this long enough ! I thought I could handle it until graduation , but I can 't ! I have had it ! I 'm moving out ! " " RICKY IS NOT YOUR FATHER ! " Henria screamed . She was on the verge of being hysterical . " HE is not a part of our family ! HE is with Sarah ! Not us ! So just let it go ! " And like usual , just as Evanglina finished saying this , Jake stepped forward and backhanded her hard across the face . Only this time , even I could see that he left a mark . I then noticed that he was wearing some type of ring on his finger and it totally scraped her face during the hit . There was a long gash on Evanglina 's cheek and blood was starting to seep through . But Jake didn 't stop there . He slapped Evanglina several more times and when she fell , he began to kick her body roughly . I literally watched in horror as Jake beat Evanglina up and her mother just stood watching without lifting a finger to help her . Seriously ! She just stood there watching like her mind was somewhere else . I was on the verge of calling the police , when Jake finally stopped . " I told you that you hadn 't seen anything yet , " Jake sneered . " And if you ever talk like that to your mother again , I can do much , much worse . Keep going and you might just not be able to use those legs for a while . " He then grabbed Evanglina by the arm and pulled her up the stairs . You could hear Evanglina 's screams and shouts as he dragged her up the staircase while yelling , " Shut up or I 'll give you something to shout about ! " Then silence when her bedroom door closed loudly . Now I have to say , I am left in a position of confusion . On one hand , I am just a blogger who reports what I see and remains out of the conflicts , but what if I see something that is serious ? What then ? Do I get involved and do something about it ? Or do I watch for the situation to play out ? Well , for now , I will be keeping a close eye on the Marsens as I figure out how to approach this . Meanwhile , please feel free to forward this to anyone you think can help . Violence should never be tolerated , especially not from parents to children . And from the way things are going , Evanglina is going to need all the help she can get to get out of this situation . |
Hey Queendalers ! So if you guessed " Hawks " you guessed right ! I couldn 't resist using our loveable mascot as a code word ! Next week 's code will be a pretty easy one as well , in honor of it being my final post . But we will get to that later . Onto the post ! So since Sarah and Ricky rescued Evanglina from Jake and Henria , Ricky has been spending a lot of time with her . It 's almost as if they are trying to make up for eighteen lost years in just a month ! I spotted them Thursday afternoon hanging out at McDoogles . They had a nice lunch of burgers and fries and then played some of the arcade games . I even caught them playing a game of foosball at one of the tables in the back . Man , it has been so long since I have played that game . I used to love playing it as a kid . Evanglina then let go of the table . " No I don 't , " she said , a bit too loudly , causing people to stare . She then turned and walked out the door with Ricky following behind her . Ricky smiled . " It 's okay . I understand . I shouldn 't have pushed you . I guess I just wanted to know how you were feeling . This whole situation is - " " Crazy , " Evanglina finished . She then exhaled sharply . " I just wish she had been honest with all of us a long time ago . Then things wouldn 't be like this . I 'm just so confused and I don 't know how to feel . " " See , that 's what I don 't get , " Evanglina then said , shaking her head . " My mother lied to you . She lied to you ! She didn 't tell you that you were my father and hid it for eighteen years , and she was going to keep hiding it if Aunt Sarah didn 't find out the truth . Why aren 't you angry with her ? How can you just forgive her and want me to talk to her ? " Ricky looked at Evanglina quietly for a minute and then sighed . " I am angry , Evanglina , very , but it won 't change anything . What happened , happened and as much as I hate it , I may have been part to blame for why she lied in the first place . " " Yes , that . I didn 't deal with the situation very well ; neither of us did , and we really hurt your mother in the process . I 'm not saying all this was okay , but I do see where she might have been coming from . I think she has been carrying what happened between us for all these years . " Evanglina lifted her shoulders . " Fine . Maybe you 're right . But what about Jake ? Ever since she started dating him , she has been all about him and never about me . " " She has taken his word over mine so many times that I have lost count ! Every time I tried to tell her about something that he did to me , she would never believe me ! Every time he slapped me , cursed at me or even threatened me , she never listened . He even beat me up in front of her twice and she just watched ! " Evanglina shook her head . " All that I have gone through because of her , I can 't forgive . " " It always amazes me when you talk about it . It makes me so angry that you had to go through all that . I wish I could have been there for you . " " I 'm not trying to defend her . I 'm not even asking you to forgive her . I just think you should talk to her . Maybe she wouldn 't be hounding you so much if you told her what you just told me . " Evanglina stared at him for a moment in silence and then nodded . " Maybe you 're right , " she said . " I just don 't know if I am ready to . " After leaving McDoogles , they both head to the beach and skip some stones into the ocean . Ricky has a long arm and is able to get his stone to skip several times before it drops underwater . I have tried to do that so many times , but I can only get mine to skip twice . They then take a dip in the ocean , splashing around in the water . The sky starts to darken , but they both didn 't seem to care . I can 't help but feel happy for her . Evanglina finally has the family she has always wanted . In other news , Claude and Emilie have been spending a lot of time together . I have been seeing an awful lot of them around town . I guess with him leaving , Emilie wanted to get as much time with him as possible . The day before he left , I saw them hanging together at Marcelle Park . They stay like that for almost thirty minutes and even shared a few passionate kisses before leaving . I think it helped that the park happened to be empty that day . Not that I think either of them would have cared all that much . Claude grinned . " Especially then . I want to hear all about how things are at Columbia . I 'm so happy you got accepted . I know how much you wanted to go there . " Emilie 's cheeks reddened . " Thanks , and I am happy for you for getting into the University of Cambridge . I want to hear all about that too . " They then pull in for a kiss and spend the next few minutes doing so in the warm summer breeze . They seem almost lost in each other and I am starting to feel like a hidden third wheel . Not that I haven 't felt this way many times before . Then with a final hug and kiss , Claude took off , leaving Emilie standing in front of the gate watching after him . My heart breaks for her . I can 't imagine gaining my first boyfriend and then having him leave me to return home . Another reason why I don 't do long distance . So that makes the end of this week 's posts . I can 't believe it , but next week will be my last post as Lexie . It 's crazy how time flies . That said , keep up with your guesses , because in just a week you may just know who Lexie really is . Hey my Queendalers ! If you guessed the code word " fight , " you guessed right ! I hope you Queendale High students knew that one because if you didn 't , you need to get some school spirit ! Anyways , I am so sorry that I haven 't posted in a month . Things have been so crazy with school ending and graduation that Lexie has not had time to write ; but fear not ! Lexie is back and has some juice to share about graduation and grad night ! So as I said earlier , the night of graduation has finally arrived ! In the early evening of the wondrous day , I spotted Evanglina and Kara leaving the house to go to the City Hall auditorium . It is crazy how much people can change in a month . It feels like everyone has already matured into adults ! I thought this as I reached the city hall and saw Maria Henderson arriving in her cap and gown . She looked absolutely beautiful as she walked up the steps , just like a young woman . Time really goes by , doesn 't it ? After Maria had arrived with Josephina and her parents and went inside , more students started arriving . I happened to notice Angel as she passed by and entered the building . Her hair was tucked neatly into her cap which is the first time I have really seen her face , clearly . Is it rude for me to say she looks older than I thought she did ? I saw Claire and Adam arrive together with Claire in a snow - white dress . I was a bit confused , but then I heard that Claire had accidently misplaced her graduation gown ! Awkward ! She was going to have to walk onstage dressed out of uniform . I guess her mother had tried to make her feel better by letting her borrow one of her formal dresses , but honestly , I think it just makes it more obvious that she forgot her cap and gown . The ceremony itself , went very well . There were choir and orchestra performances and then the valedictorian , Emilie Nelson , said a few words . I was not surprised it was her , for she was the most studious student in the whole school . She even founded the Pre - Med club , something that has not been done before around here . Senior Class president was originally Abigail Best , but since she was still gone , the task was given to Claire . I do have to say it was awkward with her dressed in that white dress . I was surprised , but Claire gave a surprisingly good speech . Not as good as Emilie 's , but not bad . By the time the ceremony was over , all the seniors were pretty pumped . I also spotted Derek and Adam coming out through the doors together with him twirling his diploma in his hand . I swear he grew an inch or two from May till now ! Adam too ! A few minutes later , I saw Derek standing with Evanglina ( surprise , surprise ) . They shared a warm embrace and kiss , as they stood there together . I 'm sure Angel and Claire were not too happy about it . They have been giving her the cold shoulder all night ! I then saw Kara standing not too far off tossing her diploma as well . Ricky was standing nearby smiling along with Sarah . It sure is nice to see them all looking so happy after the whole thing with Jake and Henria . And was it just me , or does Sarah 's stomach look a little bigger than usual ? Could she possibly be eating for two ? Time will tell ! I also saw Emilie coming out of city hall as well . She was grinning from ear to ear and carrying her diploma . She looked extremely proud of herself , which I think was totally well deserved . Those last words of her speech , " No matter where we go or live or what we become , we will always be Queendale Hawks at heart , " really resonated with me , and by the way everyone was cheering , it resonated with them too . It was starting to get a bit crowded in front , until people started dispersing . Then through the crowd , I saw Maria chatting with David Maxwell ! I thought it was a bit awkward , but from what I heard , he was congratulating her and wishing her well . Something tells me that he has been talking to Adam lately . I also saw Angel watching them from the corner of her eye . I 'm telling you , if that girl could rid the world of Maria and Evanglina … A while later I spotted Claire finally emerge from the city hall doors , yes , still in her white ball gown . I am surprised that she didn 't get grief about it . The principle is pretty stringent about those kinds of things . Then again , the Maxwells have donated a lot of money to the school , so maybe the principle decided to look the other way . Thirty minutes later , the crowd started to thin out some more . I was then able to see Paul and Brian Nelson coming out of the building . He had traded his cap for a baseball one and was wearing a little smirk . " Hey seniors ! " he called out then , " Don 't forget ! Bonfire starts at the beach in thirty minutes ! " This was followed by loud cheers , which I saw many parents cover their ears to . Evanglina grinned . " Thank you . It means a lot coming from you , " she said , and then with a little wave , she heads off to Derek 's motorcycle where he was waiting for her . Wow . It is amazing how close the two of them have gotten in such a small amount of time . I caught Derek and Adam even stopping to take in the scenery . And may I say , they both looked fantastic in their bathing suits . All rock hard and chiseled . Even I 'm getting all hot and bothered ! It looked like someone brought over a portable boom box and started blaring some tunes from the speakers . I even saw an ice shaving machine ! Maria took advantage of this as I saw her walking off with a lemon ice shaving . I even happened to snag a cherry and blue raspberry flavored one without anyone noticing . Delicious ! I spotted Josephina arriving a bit later in a pair of boots . She totally had that pirate thing going on ! There was a buffet table up on the beach lookout , and it seemed both she and Adam were heading right up to it . " Kara got accepted too , " she was saying . " She also got accepted into the University of Aderson and Cleveland University , but she chose the same as me . " She laughed . " I 'd be lying if I said I wasn 't happy about it . " Emilie smiled . " That 's great ! I hear Maria and Derek are going there as well . It 's nice that you will all be together . " " Yah , but it won 't be the same without you . " Evanglina sighed . " Still , I 'm so happy you got into Columbia University . " Emilie shrugged . " I 'm not totally sure . He seems split between Alfred State and Bridgeport , but if I could place a bet , I 'd say Alfred State . I think its Kara that is making him confused , what with them now dating and everything . " Out on the deck , Adam and Josephina were still munching on the buffet food . But that wasn 't all . It would seem that Adam had a bit of an ulterior motive for eating with her . As they ate , he seemed to be asking a lot of questions about Maria and how she was doing , including , asking where she was thinking about going to school . " Trust me Adam . Talk to her , " she said , and then she left the deck . Goodness . If Adam is still after Maria after all this time , I really think that boy is head over heels . Seriously . I even feel a bit bad for him . Maria took a deep breath . " I really like NYU , but the music program at Bridgeport University is amazing . Also , I have always wanted to go to school in Bridgeport . " " I think you just need to talk to him about it . Really talk to him . Make him understand how you feel . At least then you both aren 't walking on egg shells . " They are both quiet and then laugh . " No ! " They say in unison and then walk off toward the bonfire . Here 's to wishing them both a stress - free summer . Derek and Evanglina seemed to be getting a little mushy by the fire pit while dancing to the music from the boombox . Seeing them together so happy , I can 't help but wonder if they will still be together this time next year . Then again , if they can get through everything they have been through over the past year and a half , I think they can get through anything . They just might be the couple that will someday make it down the alter . As for Adam and Maria , who knows . Things aren 't looking that great for them . Although I did happen to catch them finally speaking to each other before the party ended . Adam seemed to want to go on , but Maria didn 't seem ready . I heard her say something about meeting up later this week and then she turned and left . Adam looked crushed , but a little hopeful . Don 't worry my Queendalers , I will keep my eye on that development . Emilie and Claude were also still left chatting away with each other . It 's so strange to see Emilie with a boyfriend . She has really come out of her shell over the year . " Paul , I don 't want you to have any regrets about the school you go to . I want you to go to the one that makes you the happiest . Even if that means I won 't be there . " Kara laughed . " I 'm not like other girls . And I want you to be happy . Besides , we won 't be too far from each other . Just an hour away . " And just like the end of a chick flick rom - com movie , they shared a lip lock under the stars . Not trying to be cheesy , but it was definitely a " The Notebook " like kiss . I guess we now know where Paul will be going . Alfred State , here he comes ! Well , that ends grad night for the seniors ! Congratulations to all of you ! Go Hawks ! And to those of you still guessing my identity , you are getting very close ! Hey Queendalers ! Code word for this week , is " calendar . " I thought it was fitting considering how fast time has been flying by . In just a month , school will be out for the summer ! Life is crazy , huh ? Well I won 't waste any time with my personal rambling . Let 's get right to it ! So Henrietta was spotted at " The Maxwell " earlier this week . She was having lunch with a friend , one I can only assume was from work . Henrietta has now turned from her life as a lady of leisure and to become a receptionist at one of the local salons . And from the conversation she was having , she wasn 't too happy about it . " And that woman wouldn 't know a brush if it hit her in the face , " Henrietta was saying about a customer . " I 'm telling you Lisa , the most outrageous people show up at the salon . I don 't know how you have put up with it all these years . " Lisa rolled her eyes . " Tell me about it . I swear , some people shouldn 't even be allowed in there . I have to fix her split ends and her horribly frizzy up do , and she has the nerve to give me attitude ? They are the worst . " Henrietta nodded . " She 's even said that . Nonetheless , Luke is her real father and he wants a relationship with her . He won 't stop until he forms one . He feels like he has been robbed of a life with her . " " That and you helped get me a job after the divorce . " Henrietta sighed again . " The way Damien is going , I 'm going to end up with nothing in the divorce settlement . He 's basically making it seem like I just married him for his money . " " Didn 't you also claim you married Luke for that reason ? What made you two divorce ? Wasn 't it because he went bankrupt ? " When Henrietta gave her a dirty look , Lisa chuckled . " Okay , all right . I 'll stop . I am on your side . It 's just you are in a pretty sticky situation . " " Well , Derek seems to be leaning toward Bridgeport University , but Damien really wants him to go to his Alma Mater , University of Columbia Heights . Angel on the other hand , I don 't know . She hasn 't heard back from any of her schools yet , and she doesn 't really seem to care too much . " Henrietta looked away . " I am a bit worried about her . " Lisa grinned . " I think Angel is just trying to find herself . With everything going on with her , it 's not a surprise to me that she would be confused . I 'm sure she will figure things out in time . " " I know . And I 'll bet she knows it too . She just needs some time . " Lisa then clasped her hands together . " Now let 's order . I 'm famished . " They then turn back to their menus and begin to order . I still can 't believe Henrietta has a job . Granted , it is a job that totally suits her , but still . I never thought I would see the day that Henrietta would have to work . Karma 's a witch , isn 't it ? Speaking of Angel , I spotted her later that evening at the club owned by Damien . She was there with Claire and they seemed pretty down . I am not too surprised since they have been that way since Prom . I 'll bet it is the first time that both of them have lost the guys they were dating . They won 't stop talking about it ! Upon arriving they headed straight to the Karaoke booth and started singing ( well , screeching ) song after song . And I mean from Paula Deana 's hits to oldies , like the spice girls . It was crazy and extremely obnoxious . Not that anyone said a word . I think they all knew who Angel and Claire 's parents were . After thirty minutes had passed , the room started to empty . I think people had heard enough of their squawking and needed some peace . I even felt like I was losing my mind . " Tell me about it . " Angel flipped a strand of her hair over her shoulder . " My mom won 't stop bugging me about school , and , well … Luke . " " He 's not my dad . Well , he is , but - " Angel broke off and sighed . " I don 't know , the whole thing is kind of confusing to me right now . I 'm just not ready to talk to him yet . " " I can 't blame you . I don 't know how I would feel if I found out my dad wasn 't my real dad . I don 't know how you 've been able to deal with it . " Claire shrugged . " Hey , you were in a bad place that night . I just wish Claude had been gentleman enough to take you home . I can 't believe he just left you there like that . What a jerk . " " Ugh , that freak . " Claire rolled her eyes . " I don 't even know what he sees in her . Have you been seeing the two of them lately ? They 've been all lovey dovey and gross . " " I know ! " Angel shivered . " It 's almost as bad as Paul and Kara . I totally caught them making out in the park this week . " She makes a gagging motion with her finger and tongue . " Tell me about it . I 'd say it has been that way since the Marsens moved in last year . Not to mention when Adam started dating Maria . " " Don 't even bring that up , " Claire said shaking her head . " I have been trying to get Adam to just let her go , but he refuses to . I just hope he goes to Duke University so he can be away from her . " " Yah , but I 've decided not to go . I accepted the offer to Cleveland University instead . That said , I kind of have other plans for after graduation . What about you ? Have you gotten accepted anywhere ? " Angel looked down at her plate in silence . " No . I 've actually been rejected from all the schools I applied to . I haven 't told my mom about it , I just said that I hadn 't received all my letters yet . I don 't know how to tell her . " Angel nodded . " I know , I just don 't know how . Honestly , I don 't really think I am ready to go to college . I feel like I just want to go out and explore the world for a bit first . If I went , I wouldn 't even know what to study or anything . I just don 't think it is right for me . " " So , I talked to my mom about me taking some time off before going to Cleveland University . I managed to delay my acceptance to them for a quarter and I talked my mom into letting me go stay with my aunt in France . Maybe if you talked to your mom , you could come with me ! Can you imagine the adventures we would have in Paris ? " " Of course ! Besides , it would be fun to have you along . It was going to be a bit lonely going by myself since both of my cousins are going to a university in Barcelona . If you come with me , it could be us against Paris . " Angel grinned . " I 'll talk to my mom . And you know , she just might agree to it . It beats me siting around and looking pitiful until next year rolls around . " " I hear you . " Claire then glanced over her shoulder and seemed to finally spot Charlotte singing her rendition of " Blame It On The Weatherman , " by B * witched . " We should go . Charlotte is getting a bit carried away . " Charlotte had taken off with the song and was even hitting high notes . The audience that had left from Claire and Angel 's screeching , had returned and were cheering her on . I am sure going to miss having Charlotte around when school ends . She really has given Angel and Claire a run for their money . Well , minus them using her to break up Adam and Maria , and attempting to do the same with Evanglina and Derek . " I can 't believe Jake did all those things to you . " Derek shook his head , and cursed under his breath . " He 's disgusting . " " No argument here , " Evanglina said in agreement . " I was so relieved when Aunt Sarah showed up with Ricky . I 'm just so happy to be out of there . Things have been so much better . It was so stupid of me not to say anything . I should have listened to you . " Evanglina exhaled deeply . " I know she was probably high on those drugs Jake uses , but still . She just stood and watched ! And that 's not all . She has always chosen Jake over me . I 'm just so angry with her . " Evanglina smiled . " You have . You 've been helping me since all this started . I never had the courage to stand up to Jake before I met you . " " Mine too , " said Evanglina . She then leaned over to touch something in the car and after , music began to emit from the speakers . Ironically , it was Paula Deana 's romantic hit song , " Without You . " " Can you believe that in just a month we won 't be high schoolers anymore ? " " I know , it 's crazy . " Derek shook his head . " I used to feel like high school would never end . Now , I don 't know if I want it to . " Evanglina looked surprised when he said that . " You 're going to Bridgeport University ? I thought your dad wanted you to go to University of Columbia Heights ? " " I 'm not . I 've always wanted to go to Bridgeport University . I 've spent so much time in Queendale that it would be nice to go somewhere different for a change . " " That 's true . I 've been mostly everywhere , but the big city . It will be a nice change . " Evanglina looked upward once again . " To be honest , I 've always seen it in my future . Me graduating from a college in the city and then starting a life there . " Evanglina looked surprised . " You mean , like married ? " When Derek nodded , Evanglina grinned . " I don 't know … maybe . Life is crazy though . " " So , you don 't see it ? " Derek looked a little disappointed , and I couldn 't blame him . She kind of rejected the idea a bit . Evanglina shook her head . " I didn 't say that . I just think we 're still so young ! " She then laughed . " That said , I think that if you and I make it through our four years of college together , then yes . I can definitely see it . " It 's then that I decided to take my leave and give them a bit of privacy , but not before snapping another pic of them . They are so adorable ! I still can 't believe they were cheated from Prom King and Queen ! Although , at this point the whole school pretty much knows that Angel bribed Greg Jensen . I 'm surprised that the principle hasn 't asked her to give her crown up . He is totally the type to do that ! Not that Angel would give it up willingly . After everything she has been going through , that crown is probably her one piece of salvation ! Well , that 's it for this week . Only a few posts left , and that means only a few posts left to guess who I am . Yes , you guessed it , I am a Queendale graduate this year ! So time is running out for you , my dearies ! Keep guessing , and I will be revealing my identity in my last post ! Guess correctly and you may just get a shout out ! More soon ! ( Hey my readers ! Thank you so much for reading my story ! There are only a few posts left of Kisses , Lexie , so stay tuned ! Has anyone figured out Lexie 's identity yet ? Leave your guesses in the comments ! More soon ! 😉 ) Hey Queendalers ! If you guessed " sleeping bag " , you got it ! So this week was a slow one . With all the seniors worrying about graduation and getting all their credits , there is no trouble for drama . Well , for the most part . So , Track season has come to a close . That said , Paul has still been practicing his skills , including soccer and basketball . I spotted him practicing with Emily at the park Thursday afternoon . Let me tell you , she was not so bad herself ! She put up a good game , kicking the ball with all her might into the net . Even with all Paul 's training , she gave him quite a workout . Still , she was no match for Paul and his superb goalie skills . He blocked every single one of Emilie 's balls despite her powerful force of kicks . Somehow , I think he will do just fine at either Bridgeport University or Alfred State with soccer . Unfortunately , it started to rain forty minutes later , ruining their fun . And it was coming down pretty hard . The two of them both then packed up their things and headed out . I however , would have stuck around if I was them . There is nothing like playing soccer in the rain . I love it ! Sure , you might slip and slide along the mud , but that 's more of the fun ! Emilie and Paul weren 't the only ones having fun this week . I spotted Evanglina and Ricky driving along this weekend together . It would seem that Evanglina has finally managed to get her permit and is working with Ricky to get her license ! Better now than never ! I 'm sure you are wondering how she has been doing since the whole fiasco last weekend . Well , Evanglina is now back at school and seems to be doing better . She still has some scars on her neck and face left from Jake 's abuse , but other than that , she seems to be okay . She does seem a little quieter and more guarded than usual , but who can blame her ? I can 't imagine dealing with what she has had to deal with for the past two years or more ! At least there is now a bit of happiness for her . I also saw her at the park again , strumming on her guitar along with Maria . The two of them are really on about this starting a band thing . They have even given themselves a name , " Evarie , " by putting their names together . And trust me , they are not bad . Their performance at the Prom has sparked a lot of attention and from what I 've heard , someone has posted a video of it online on " Youbook " , the social media Queendale teens are addicted to . The video has almost 250 , 000 views which is pretty good for Queendale and the state . These girls might be going places ! Although , I was a bit surprised to see they were watching the FearNet station . Funny , they didn 't even seem that scared . I would have been terrified out of my mind ! They show the creepiest movies on there , but there were the four of them laughing while watching ! Crazy ! The night then ended with a nice soak in the hot tub out back in the Emerson 's backyard . All four of them were laughing and seeming to be having a good time . Even Evanglina seemed to be enjoying herself . Maria shook her head . " I just can 't talk to him right now . I feel like my emotions are all over the place . On one side , I am still so angry that I can 't even think straight and then on the other side , I just miss him so much . " " Don 't Eva , " Kara said shaking her head . " You had to leave . You couldn 't stay in an environment like that . It was bad for you . I mean , look what Jake did to you ! " " Your mom is hurt now , but she caused this . She shouldn 't have let Jake do all that to you . I think right now you need to focus on you . " After soaking , they started to head inside , but then Evanglina said she had a spooky story to tell . They all then gathered on the ground and she began telling them a ghost story . As she told the story , they all got so into it , that they started jerking and pulling away as if Evanglina was the one doing all the killing in the story ! The four of them then headed inside . It is amazing how so much has changed , but the four of them have still managed to be good friends . Go figure . Hey Queendalers ! So I am sure you are all wondering exactly what is going on with the Marsens since last week 's post . Well , I actually do have some news , for those of you who don 't yet know . Here we go ! So as you know , Evanglina hasn 't really been in school the past week . While everyone figured that she was just sick ( and there may have been some truth to that ) , it would seem that she was at home because Jake and Henria were keeping her there . And of course , it only got worse after Kara told Evanglina about the possibility of Ricky being her father . Since that night that Jake dragged her upstairs to her room , Evanglina has not been seen out of the house . I 'm serious ! It 's like she disappeared . Kara and Derek have tried to see her a few times , but Henria always yells at them to leave and Jake slams the door in their faces . It is pretty obvious that they are basically keeping her trapped there , something that it would seem Sarah came to notice . After almost a week had passed , she made her way over to talk to Henria . It was Thursday afternoon to be exact . Henria didn 't want to let her in , but Sarah would not take no for an answer . She pushed her way through the door and into the house . " What do you want Sarah ? " Henria said rolling her eyes . Her face looked like she hadn 't slept in days . What on Earth was she taking ? " I came to see Evanglina , " said Sarah . " Kara said she hasn 't been in school for almost two weeks . She said she came over last week and snuck in to see her , but since then you haven 't been letting anyone in . So , I decided to come over to see for myself . " Henria scoffed . " I don 't know , and I really don 't care . Whatever the case , you wasted a trip . Evanglina isn 't having any visitors , so you can just go . " " Listen Henria , " Sarah snapped . " I am not going anywhere until I see Evanglina . I don 't care if she is contagious or whatever you say . I want to see her . Now . " Henria glared at her . " Excuse me , but this is my house and Evanglina is my daughter . You can 't just barge in here and order me around ! " " No ! " Sarah yelled . " You aren 't getting rid of me this time . I want to see her . Besides , the test results come back today . " Henria 's eyes widened . " W - what ? H - how are you running a test ? I have not given you permission nor have I given you any sample of Evanglina 's DNA ! " Sarah sighed . " I just want the truth Henria , and so does Ricky . " Just as she said this , a car pulled up and then Ricky emerged from the front door . " Looks like Ricky is here , " she said . " So it wasn 't some magical DNA . She got it off Evanglina 's used latte cup , from when she took her and Kara shopping . And I received the results right before I came here . " He pauses to take a deep breath . " Henria … I 'm her father . " I honestly wonder what reaction Ricky was hoping for . Maybe shock ? Surprise ? Horror ? I don 't know , but it was not what he got . After those words left his lips , she just stood there staring at him . " And how could I ? What with you screwing my sister back at home ! You chose her over us ! So Evanglina and I had to move on with our lives ! " " What do you mean us ? I didn 't even know you were pregnant ! You left town and never told me ! I would have never abandoned Evanglina ! " It 's amazing how this has turned into a shouting match . If anyone had been jogging by or even biking , they would have been able to hear their whole conversation . It was that loud , and also , the window happened to be open . " Well , I 'm sorry , but you can 't decide that anymore , Henria , " he said finally . " Evanglina is eighteen years old now , and she 's my daughter too . So that means I have just as much right as you do . " Henria scoffed . " Oh please , you haven 't even been a part of her life . In a custody hearing you wouldn 't have any say . " " Are you kidding ? " Ricky raised his eyebrows , " If we were negotiating for custody , you would be at a serious loss ! For goodness sakes , you are engaged to a man that allegedly imports drugs ! He is on the police station 's watch list ! " Henria sighed . " Ricky just came over to tell me how he and Sarah had my daughter tested to see if he is her father . Apparently , the test came back positive for a match . " Meanwhile , Jake just laughed . " That little b * * * * ( censoring ) doesn 't deserve to be called anything other than what she is . A dirty , little rotten slut . " Only Jake didn 't take that too well . He gritted his teeth and then tackled Ricky ! The two of them then went rolling onto the floor . Henria just stood above them watching in surprise and awe . The fight went on for a while with each of them struggling against each other . There is then a loud crashing sound and I can 't tell whether it was caused by them or from something upstairs . Ricky 's face looked totally furious while Jake had that killer look in his eyes . Scary ! Finally , they both pulled apart panting . At that same time , Evanglina and Sarah emerged from upstairs . Evanglina looked horrible and terribly weak as she followed behind her . Her face was sunken like she hasn 't slept in days , and there was still a bruise on her cheek from where Jake had backhanded her ; not to mention a few on her neck . " I got her out of her room , " Sarah interrupted . " The door was locked , so I had to break in to get her out . " She gave Henria a dirty look . " She was handcuffed to her bed . " Jake smirked . " Hey , some kids need harsher punishments for the message to sink in . Evanglina happens to be one of them . Only problem , she doesn 't seem to learn her lesson , as you can see . " " How dare you ! " Ricky made a move toward Jake , but he was too quick . Jake lunged at him and then the two them go at it again ! " We aren 't ! Evanglina wants to come with us , which I think is an excellent decision considering what is happening to her here ! Also , she is eighteen years old ! She can move out ! And you forcing her to stay here against her will , is basically kidnapping ! " " You don 't have a choice ! " Sarah said , and then sighed . " Ricky and I are walking out of here with Evanglina and if you try to stop us , I will call the police . " Evanglina just took one look at Henria and the house before turning away . Henria then stood by the doorsteps and watched Sarah 's car drive away before bursting into tears . I want to feel sorry for her , but I can 't . I am just too happy that finally Evanglina is out of that chaos . As Ricky and Sarah drove off into the distance , I couldn 't help but feel extremely relieved . I had been on the verge of blowing my cover to help Evanglina out . Luckily , I didn 't have to . Maybe just maybe , things might get better for that girl . One can hope . Well , that is it for this week . The weeks are dwindling down and summer is almost on us . Also , graduation is right around the corner ! Soon high school will be behind us . Let 's have a toast to bigger and better things in life . More soon my dearies ! Hey my Queendalers ! So last week 's code was a little weird , but some of you were still able to guess it , " butterfly . " Still , some of you did struggle with it , so I will leave the code for one more week for those of you that could not guess it . Well , this week 's post is a bit jam packed , so let me get started ! First of all , I spotted Angel and Claire at Feng Shui Fusion on Friday night . They were perched on stools while enjoying plates of sushi . Claire was going on about her irritation with the events of prom night . " I cannot believe that he ditched me for Kara , " she said , shaking her head . " I mean , its Kara ! I can 't believe he left me for that piece of trash . " " You 're complaining , " Angel gave her a look , " What about Claude ? He basically made me look like some pathetic loser ! Telling me that he had no interest in me romantically ? He basically " friend - zoned " me ! " ( Oh yes he did ! It was absolutely beautiful . ) " And on top of that , he also ditched me for Emilie ! That science geek ! " Angel rolled her eyes . " So , I think I had it a bit worse than you . " " I didn 't say she didn 't . " Angel sighed . " I 'm just saying maybe you shouldn 't have fought with her at the dance . You know how strict the principle was being about fights . " " Hey , no worries , " Angel then said . " This fall we will be in college and get to be around hot college guys . We won 't have to bother ourselves with these stupid high school guys anymore . " " Well , I heard back from Bridgeport University and Duke . They apparently both accepted me . I was a bit surprised about Duke . I got an interview and I didn 't think it went well . I guess there was something about me they liked . " Claire glared at him . " I dropped her off at home on my way home from school . Besides , I uninvited her . This dinner is just for Angel and I . " Claude stared at her for a moment in silence before responding . " To what are you implying ? I don 't believe I have ever messed with you . " Claude raised his eyebrows in realization . " Oh that . I was not messing with Angel . I simply told her that she had the wrong idea about us . We were just friends , but she had mistakenly thought we were more . " " That wasn 't her fault ! You asked her to the prom ! That is asking her out ! You are the one that suddenly changed your mind and wanted to be with , Emilie . " Still Claude pays her no mind . " Look , I didn 't come to argue with you . If Charlotte is at home like you say , I will just go and see her there . " He then turns and leaves , ignoring her loud comment about him being an " asswhole , " as he walks out . I swear , sometimes I wonder if Angel or Claire have any class left in their bodies . Not that they had much to begin with . In other news , I am sure you are wondering what has been going on with Evanglina since everything on the morning after prom night . Literally everyone is wondering that . No one has really seen much of Evanglina for the past week . I don 't think she has even been at school . Maybe she was sick ? Well , I found out the true reason that Friday afternoon . Kara , who had been trying to get into the Marsen house , was finally able to do so when Jake temporarily stepped outside for a few minutes to smoke ( yes , you know what ) . Kara crept in through the back door quietly and found Evanglina cleaning the kitchen . " Hey , what 's up ? " she said , walking over to her . " I haven 't really seen much of you in the past week . Is everything okay ? " It looked like Kara wasn 't buying it either . " Are you sure ? It 's not like you to miss four whole days of school . Not even for being sick . Then again , Monday you didn 't look too good . " Evanglina sighed . " I 'm sorry , my mom 's just really angry about prom night . I slept over at Derek 's house and she is really mad about it . They both are . " " I - I don 't . I - I just don 't want any more problems right now , " Evanglina said . Her voice sounded a little strained . Kara still looked worried , but she moved on . " Well , I came to tell you something . I 've actually been trying to get a hold of you so I could talk to you about it . " " So I heard my mother talking the other day about you and Ricky . It was so weird . She was on the phone with someone and she said something about them needing to hurry with some type of test results . " Kara nodded . " Yes . She was really annoyed about it too . She said that she had asked them to put a rush on it , because Ricky needed to know sooner rather than later . It seemed really important to her . " " I thought so too , but then I started thinking about back when I was talking to Ricky and I said that you and him looked alike . Well , he told me that my mom seemed to really think so and was obsessing over it . Now , he 's been talking about it a lot too . " Kara shrugged . " I know , it sounds crazy , but I really think she believes it ! And I 'll bet that those test results are to prove it . " " Your father . And honestly ? I think Ricky does so too . " Kara then smiled . " It 's weird to think about , right ? That said , it would explain why your mom hates the fact that he is married to my mom . Especially , if she has known all this time . " " My mom probably doesn 't know . She couldn 't . That would mean that she would have kept me from him for all these years . She may have problems , but she wouldn 't do that to me . Right ? " Kara jumped . " I should go ! I don 't want to get you in anymore trouble . Call me , me okay ? And call Derek . He 's really worried about you . " She then slipped out through the back door . Okay , now here is where things got crazy . Henria , as it turns out , was at home the whole time ! She was upstairs and after Kara left , she came slowly down the stairs . Jake coughing a bit from his joint , came walking in through the front door . " I thought we told you that you weren 't allowed any friends over ! Jakes bellowed . " Wow ! You think you can just do whatever you damn well please , don 't you ? " " No I don 't ! " Evanglina cried in frustration . " I didn 't invite her over ! She just came over because she wanted to tell me that Sarah was having some test being run . Something with me and Ricky . " " It 's a lie ! " Henria snapped . " Sarah doesn 't know what she 's talking about ! She 's crazy and making things up ! " " Look at what you 're doing ! " Jake said , glaring at Evanglina . " You 're upsetting your mother ! All for the stupid lie your slut aunt is telling . What an ungrateful waste of space ! " After he says this , Evanglina stared at him for a moment in shock . " I can 't believe you said that . " She then looked at Henria . " Mom ? Aren 't you going to say something ? " Evanglina shook her head . " You know what ? I can 't take this anymore ! I have put up with all this long enough ! I thought I could handle it until graduation , but I can 't ! I have had it ! I 'm moving out ! " " RICKY IS NOT YOUR FATHER ! " Henria screamed . She was on the verge of being hysterical . " HE is not a part of our family ! HE is with Sarah ! Not us ! So just let it go ! " And like usual , just as Evanglina finished saying this , Jake stepped forward and backhanded her hard across the face . Only this time , even I could see that he left a mark . I then noticed that he was wearing some type of ring on his finger and it totally scraped her face during the hit . There was a long gash on Evanglina 's cheek and blood was starting to seep through . But Jake didn 't stop there . He slapped Evanglina several more times and when she fell , he began to kick her body roughly . I literally watched in horror as Jake beat Evanglina up and her mother just stood watching without lifting a finger to help her . Seriously ! She just stood there watching like her mind was somewhere else . I was on the verge of calling the police , when Jake finally stopped . " I told you that you hadn 't seen anything yet , " Jake sneered . " And if you ever talk like that to your mother again , I can do much , much worse . Keep going and you might just not be able to use those legs for a while . " He then grabbed Evanglina by the arm and pulled her up the stairs . You could hear Evanglina 's screams and shouts as he dragged her up the staircase while yelling , " Shut up or I 'll give you something to shout about ! " Then silence when her bedroom door closed loudly . Now I have to say , I am left in a position of confusion . On one hand , I am just a blogger who reports what I see and remains out of the conflicts , but what if I see something that is serious ? What then ? Do I get involved and do something about it ? Or do I watch for the situation to play out ? Well , for now , I will be keeping a close eye on the Marsens as I figure out how to approach this . Meanwhile , please feel free to forward this to anyone you think can help . Violence should never be tolerated , especially not from parents to children . And from the way things are going , Evanglina is going to need all the help she can get to get out of this situation . |
Hey Queendalers ! So if you guessed " Hawks " you guessed right ! I couldn 't resist using our loveable mascot as a code word ! Next week 's code will be a pretty easy one as well , in honor of it being my final post . But we will get to that later . Onto the post ! So since Sarah and Ricky rescued Evanglina from Jake and Henria , Ricky has been spending a lot of time with her . It 's almost as if they are trying to make up for eighteen lost years in just a month ! I spotted them Thursday afternoon hanging out at McDoogles . They had a nice lunch of burgers and fries and then played some of the arcade games . I even caught them playing a game of foosball at one of the tables in the back . Man , it has been so long since I have played that game . I used to love playing it as a kid . Evanglina then let go of the table . " No I don 't , " she said , a bit too loudly , causing people to stare . She then turned and walked out the door with Ricky following behind her . Ricky smiled . " It 's okay . I understand . I shouldn 't have pushed you . I guess I just wanted to know how you were feeling . This whole situation is - " " Crazy , " Evanglina finished . She then exhaled sharply . " I just wish she had been honest with all of us a long time ago . Then things wouldn 't be like this . I 'm just so confused and I don 't know how to feel . " " See , that 's what I don 't get , " Evanglina then said , shaking her head . " My mother lied to you . She lied to you ! She didn 't tell you that you were my father and hid it for eighteen years , and she was going to keep hiding it if Aunt Sarah didn 't find out the truth . Why aren 't you angry with her ? How can you just forgive her and want me to talk to her ? " Ricky looked at Evanglina quietly for a minute and then sighed . " I am angry , Evanglina , very , but it won 't change anything . What happened , happened and as much as I hate it , I may have been part to blame for why she lied in the first place . " " Yes , that . I didn 't deal with the situation very well ; neither of us did , and we really hurt your mother in the process . I 'm not saying all this was okay , but I do see where she might have been coming from . I think she has been carrying what happened between us for all these years . " Evanglina lifted her shoulders . " Fine . Maybe you 're right . But what about Jake ? Ever since she started dating him , she has been all about him and never about me . " " She has taken his word over mine so many times that I have lost count ! Every time I tried to tell her about something that he did to me , she would never believe me ! Every time he slapped me , cursed at me or even threatened me , she never listened . He even beat me up in front of her twice and she just watched ! " Evanglina shook her head . " All that I have gone through because of her , I can 't forgive . " " It always amazes me when you talk about it . It makes me so angry that you had to go through all that . I wish I could have been there for you . " " I 'm not trying to defend her . I 'm not even asking you to forgive her . I just think you should talk to her . Maybe she wouldn 't be hounding you so much if you told her what you just told me . " Evanglina stared at him for a moment in silence and then nodded . " Maybe you 're right , " she said . " I just don 't know if I am ready to . " After leaving McDoogles , they both head to the beach and skip some stones into the ocean . Ricky has a long arm and is able to get his stone to skip several times before it drops underwater . I have tried to do that so many times , but I can only get mine to skip twice . They then take a dip in the ocean , splashing around in the water . The sky starts to darken , but they both didn 't seem to care . I can 't help but feel happy for her . Evanglina finally has the family she has always wanted . In other news , Claude and Emilie have been spending a lot of time together . I have been seeing an awful lot of them around town . I guess with him leaving , Emilie wanted to get as much time with him as possible . The day before he left , I saw them hanging together at Marcelle Park . They stay like that for almost thirty minutes and even shared a few passionate kisses before leaving . I think it helped that the park happened to be empty that day . Not that I think either of them would have cared all that much . Claude grinned . " Especially then . I want to hear all about how things are at Columbia . I 'm so happy you got accepted . I know how much you wanted to go there . " Emilie 's cheeks reddened . " Thanks , and I am happy for you for getting into the University of Cambridge . I want to hear all about that too . " They then pull in for a kiss and spend the next few minutes doing so in the warm summer breeze . They seem almost lost in each other and I am starting to feel like a hidden third wheel . Not that I haven 't felt this way many times before . Then with a final hug and kiss , Claude took off , leaving Emilie standing in front of the gate watching after him . My heart breaks for her . I can 't imagine gaining my first boyfriend and then having him leave me to return home . Another reason why I don 't do long distance . So that makes the end of this week 's posts . I can 't believe it , but next week will be my last post as Lexie . It 's crazy how time flies . That said , keep up with your guesses , because in just a week you may just know who Lexie really is . Hey my Queendalers ! If you guessed the code word " fight , " you guessed right ! I hope you Queendale High students knew that one because if you didn 't , you need to get some school spirit ! Anyways , I am so sorry that I haven 't posted in a month . Things have been so crazy with school ending and graduation that Lexie has not had time to write ; but fear not ! Lexie is back and has some juice to share about graduation and grad night ! So as I said earlier , the night of graduation has finally arrived ! In the early evening of the wondrous day , I spotted Evanglina and Kara leaving the house to go to the City Hall auditorium . It is crazy how much people can change in a month . It feels like everyone has already matured into adults ! I thought this as I reached the city hall and saw Maria Henderson arriving in her cap and gown . She looked absolutely beautiful as she walked up the steps , just like a young woman . Time really goes by , doesn 't it ? After Maria had arrived with Josephina and her parents and went inside , more students started arriving . I happened to notice Angel as she passed by and entered the building . Her hair was tucked neatly into her cap which is the first time I have really seen her face , clearly . Is it rude for me to say she looks older than I thought she did ? I saw Claire and Adam arrive together with Claire in a snow - white dress . I was a bit confused , but then I heard that Claire had accidently misplaced her graduation gown ! Awkward ! She was going to have to walk onstage dressed out of uniform . I guess her mother had tried to make her feel better by letting her borrow one of her formal dresses , but honestly , I think it just makes it more obvious that she forgot her cap and gown . The ceremony itself , went very well . There were choir and orchestra performances and then the valedictorian , Emilie Nelson , said a few words . I was not surprised it was her , for she was the most studious student in the whole school . She even founded the Pre - Med club , something that has not been done before around here . Senior Class president was originally Abigail Best , but since she was still gone , the task was given to Claire . I do have to say it was awkward with her dressed in that white dress . I was surprised , but Claire gave a surprisingly good speech . Not as good as Emilie 's , but not bad . By the time the ceremony was over , all the seniors were pretty pumped . I also spotted Derek and Adam coming out through the doors together with him twirling his diploma in his hand . I swear he grew an inch or two from May till now ! Adam too ! A few minutes later , I saw Derek standing with Evanglina ( surprise , surprise ) . They shared a warm embrace and kiss , as they stood there together . I 'm sure Angel and Claire were not too happy about it . They have been giving her the cold shoulder all night ! I then saw Kara standing not too far off tossing her diploma as well . Ricky was standing nearby smiling along with Sarah . It sure is nice to see them all looking so happy after the whole thing with Jake and Henria . And was it just me , or does Sarah 's stomach look a little bigger than usual ? Could she possibly be eating for two ? Time will tell ! I also saw Emilie coming out of city hall as well . She was grinning from ear to ear and carrying her diploma . She looked extremely proud of herself , which I think was totally well deserved . Those last words of her speech , " No matter where we go or live or what we become , we will always be Queendale Hawks at heart , " really resonated with me , and by the way everyone was cheering , it resonated with them too . It was starting to get a bit crowded in front , until people started dispersing . Then through the crowd , I saw Maria chatting with David Maxwell ! I thought it was a bit awkward , but from what I heard , he was congratulating her and wishing her well . Something tells me that he has been talking to Adam lately . I also saw Angel watching them from the corner of her eye . I 'm telling you , if that girl could rid the world of Maria and Evanglina … A while later I spotted Claire finally emerge from the city hall doors , yes , still in her white ball gown . I am surprised that she didn 't get grief about it . The principle is pretty stringent about those kinds of things . Then again , the Maxwells have donated a lot of money to the school , so maybe the principle decided to look the other way . Thirty minutes later , the crowd started to thin out some more . I was then able to see Paul and Brian Nelson coming out of the building . He had traded his cap for a baseball one and was wearing a little smirk . " Hey seniors ! " he called out then , " Don 't forget ! Bonfire starts at the beach in thirty minutes ! " This was followed by loud cheers , which I saw many parents cover their ears to . Evanglina grinned . " Thank you . It means a lot coming from you , " she said , and then with a little wave , she heads off to Derek 's motorcycle where he was waiting for her . Wow . It is amazing how close the two of them have gotten in such a small amount of time . I caught Derek and Adam even stopping to take in the scenery . And may I say , they both looked fantastic in their bathing suits . All rock hard and chiseled . Even I 'm getting all hot and bothered ! It looked like someone brought over a portable boom box and started blaring some tunes from the speakers . I even saw an ice shaving machine ! Maria took advantage of this as I saw her walking off with a lemon ice shaving . I even happened to snag a cherry and blue raspberry flavored one without anyone noticing . Delicious ! I spotted Josephina arriving a bit later in a pair of boots . She totally had that pirate thing going on ! There was a buffet table up on the beach lookout , and it seemed both she and Adam were heading right up to it . " Kara got accepted too , " she was saying . " She also got accepted into the University of Aderson and Cleveland University , but she chose the same as me . " She laughed . " I 'd be lying if I said I wasn 't happy about it . " Emilie smiled . " That 's great ! I hear Maria and Derek are going there as well . It 's nice that you will all be together . " " Yah , but it won 't be the same without you . " Evanglina sighed . " Still , I 'm so happy you got into Columbia University . " Emilie shrugged . " I 'm not totally sure . He seems split between Alfred State and Bridgeport , but if I could place a bet , I 'd say Alfred State . I think its Kara that is making him confused , what with them now dating and everything . " Out on the deck , Adam and Josephina were still munching on the buffet food . But that wasn 't all . It would seem that Adam had a bit of an ulterior motive for eating with her . As they ate , he seemed to be asking a lot of questions about Maria and how she was doing , including , asking where she was thinking about going to school . " Trust me Adam . Talk to her , " she said , and then she left the deck . Goodness . If Adam is still after Maria after all this time , I really think that boy is head over heels . Seriously . I even feel a bit bad for him . Maria took a deep breath . " I really like NYU , but the music program at Bridgeport University is amazing . Also , I have always wanted to go to school in Bridgeport . " " I think you just need to talk to him about it . Really talk to him . Make him understand how you feel . At least then you both aren 't walking on egg shells . " They are both quiet and then laugh . " No ! " They say in unison and then walk off toward the bonfire . Here 's to wishing them both a stress - free summer . Derek and Evanglina seemed to be getting a little mushy by the fire pit while dancing to the music from the boombox . Seeing them together so happy , I can 't help but wonder if they will still be together this time next year . Then again , if they can get through everything they have been through over the past year and a half , I think they can get through anything . They just might be the couple that will someday make it down the alter . As for Adam and Maria , who knows . Things aren 't looking that great for them . Although I did happen to catch them finally speaking to each other before the party ended . Adam seemed to want to go on , but Maria didn 't seem ready . I heard her say something about meeting up later this week and then she turned and left . Adam looked crushed , but a little hopeful . Don 't worry my Queendalers , I will keep my eye on that development . Emilie and Claude were also still left chatting away with each other . It 's so strange to see Emilie with a boyfriend . She has really come out of her shell over the year . " Paul , I don 't want you to have any regrets about the school you go to . I want you to go to the one that makes you the happiest . Even if that means I won 't be there . " Kara laughed . " I 'm not like other girls . And I want you to be happy . Besides , we won 't be too far from each other . Just an hour away . " And just like the end of a chick flick rom - com movie , they shared a lip lock under the stars . Not trying to be cheesy , but it was definitely a " The Notebook " like kiss . I guess we now know where Paul will be going . Alfred State , here he comes ! Well , that ends grad night for the seniors ! Congratulations to all of you ! Go Hawks ! And to those of you still guessing my identity , you are getting very close ! Hey Queendalers ! Code word for this week , is " calendar . " I thought it was fitting considering how fast time has been flying by . In just a month , school will be out for the summer ! Life is crazy , huh ? Well I won 't waste any time with my personal rambling . Let 's get right to it ! So Henrietta was spotted at " The Maxwell " earlier this week . She was having lunch with a friend , one I can only assume was from work . Henrietta has now turned from her life as a lady of leisure and to become a receptionist at one of the local salons . And from the conversation she was having , she wasn 't too happy about it . " And that woman wouldn 't know a brush if it hit her in the face , " Henrietta was saying about a customer . " I 'm telling you Lisa , the most outrageous people show up at the salon . I don 't know how you have put up with it all these years . " Lisa rolled her eyes . " Tell me about it . I swear , some people shouldn 't even be allowed in there . I have to fix her split ends and her horribly frizzy up do , and she has the nerve to give me attitude ? They are the worst . " Henrietta nodded . " She 's even said that . Nonetheless , Luke is her real father and he wants a relationship with her . He won 't stop until he forms one . He feels like he has been robbed of a life with her . " " That and you helped get me a job after the divorce . " Henrietta sighed again . " The way Damien is going , I 'm going to end up with nothing in the divorce settlement . He 's basically making it seem like I just married him for his money . " " Didn 't you also claim you married Luke for that reason ? What made you two divorce ? Wasn 't it because he went bankrupt ? " When Henrietta gave her a dirty look , Lisa chuckled . " Okay , all right . I 'll stop . I am on your side . It 's just you are in a pretty sticky situation . " " Well , Derek seems to be leaning toward Bridgeport University , but Damien really wants him to go to his Alma Mater , University of Columbia Heights . Angel on the other hand , I don 't know . She hasn 't heard back from any of her schools yet , and she doesn 't really seem to care too much . " Henrietta looked away . " I am a bit worried about her . " Lisa grinned . " I think Angel is just trying to find herself . With everything going on with her , it 's not a surprise to me that she would be confused . I 'm sure she will figure things out in time . " " I know . And I 'll bet she knows it too . She just needs some time . " Lisa then clasped her hands together . " Now let 's order . I 'm famished . " They then turn back to their menus and begin to order . I still can 't believe Henrietta has a job . Granted , it is a job that totally suits her , but still . I never thought I would see the day that Henrietta would have to work . Karma 's a witch , isn 't it ? Speaking of Angel , I spotted her later that evening at the club owned by Damien . She was there with Claire and they seemed pretty down . I am not too surprised since they have been that way since Prom . I 'll bet it is the first time that both of them have lost the guys they were dating . They won 't stop talking about it ! Upon arriving they headed straight to the Karaoke booth and started singing ( well , screeching ) song after song . And I mean from Paula Deana 's hits to oldies , like the spice girls . It was crazy and extremely obnoxious . Not that anyone said a word . I think they all knew who Angel and Claire 's parents were . After thirty minutes had passed , the room started to empty . I think people had heard enough of their squawking and needed some peace . I even felt like I was losing my mind . " Tell me about it . " Angel flipped a strand of her hair over her shoulder . " My mom won 't stop bugging me about school , and , well … Luke . " " He 's not my dad . Well , he is , but - " Angel broke off and sighed . " I don 't know , the whole thing is kind of confusing to me right now . I 'm just not ready to talk to him yet . " " I can 't blame you . I don 't know how I would feel if I found out my dad wasn 't my real dad . I don 't know how you 've been able to deal with it . " Claire shrugged . " Hey , you were in a bad place that night . I just wish Claude had been gentleman enough to take you home . I can 't believe he just left you there like that . What a jerk . " " Ugh , that freak . " Claire rolled her eyes . " I don 't even know what he sees in her . Have you been seeing the two of them lately ? They 've been all lovey dovey and gross . " " I know ! " Angel shivered . " It 's almost as bad as Paul and Kara . I totally caught them making out in the park this week . " She makes a gagging motion with her finger and tongue . " Tell me about it . I 'd say it has been that way since the Marsens moved in last year . Not to mention when Adam started dating Maria . " " Don 't even bring that up , " Claire said shaking her head . " I have been trying to get Adam to just let her go , but he refuses to . I just hope he goes to Duke University so he can be away from her . " " Yah , but I 've decided not to go . I accepted the offer to Cleveland University instead . That said , I kind of have other plans for after graduation . What about you ? Have you gotten accepted anywhere ? " Angel looked down at her plate in silence . " No . I 've actually been rejected from all the schools I applied to . I haven 't told my mom about it , I just said that I hadn 't received all my letters yet . I don 't know how to tell her . " Angel nodded . " I know , I just don 't know how . Honestly , I don 't really think I am ready to go to college . I feel like I just want to go out and explore the world for a bit first . If I went , I wouldn 't even know what to study or anything . I just don 't think it is right for me . " " So , I talked to my mom about me taking some time off before going to Cleveland University . I managed to delay my acceptance to them for a quarter and I talked my mom into letting me go stay with my aunt in France . Maybe if you talked to your mom , you could come with me ! Can you imagine the adventures we would have in Paris ? " " Of course ! Besides , it would be fun to have you along . It was going to be a bit lonely going by myself since both of my cousins are going to a university in Barcelona . If you come with me , it could be us against Paris . " Angel grinned . " I 'll talk to my mom . And you know , she just might agree to it . It beats me siting around and looking pitiful until next year rolls around . " " I hear you . " Claire then glanced over her shoulder and seemed to finally spot Charlotte singing her rendition of " Blame It On The Weatherman , " by B * witched . " We should go . Charlotte is getting a bit carried away . " Charlotte had taken off with the song and was even hitting high notes . The audience that had left from Claire and Angel 's screeching , had returned and were cheering her on . I am sure going to miss having Charlotte around when school ends . She really has given Angel and Claire a run for their money . Well , minus them using her to break up Adam and Maria , and attempting to do the same with Evanglina and Derek . " I can 't believe Jake did all those things to you . " Derek shook his head , and cursed under his breath . " He 's disgusting . " " No argument here , " Evanglina said in agreement . " I was so relieved when Aunt Sarah showed up with Ricky . I 'm just so happy to be out of there . Things have been so much better . It was so stupid of me not to say anything . I should have listened to you . " Evanglina exhaled deeply . " I know she was probably high on those drugs Jake uses , but still . She just stood and watched ! And that 's not all . She has always chosen Jake over me . I 'm just so angry with her . " Evanglina smiled . " You have . You 've been helping me since all this started . I never had the courage to stand up to Jake before I met you . " " Mine too , " said Evanglina . She then leaned over to touch something in the car and after , music began to emit from the speakers . Ironically , it was Paula Deana 's romantic hit song , " Without You . " " Can you believe that in just a month we won 't be high schoolers anymore ? " " I know , it 's crazy . " Derek shook his head . " I used to feel like high school would never end . Now , I don 't know if I want it to . " Evanglina looked surprised when he said that . " You 're going to Bridgeport University ? I thought your dad wanted you to go to University of Columbia Heights ? " " I 'm not . I 've always wanted to go to Bridgeport University . I 've spent so much time in Queendale that it would be nice to go somewhere different for a change . " " That 's true . I 've been mostly everywhere , but the big city . It will be a nice change . " Evanglina looked upward once again . " To be honest , I 've always seen it in my future . Me graduating from a college in the city and then starting a life there . " Evanglina looked surprised . " You mean , like married ? " When Derek nodded , Evanglina grinned . " I don 't know … maybe . Life is crazy though . " " So , you don 't see it ? " Derek looked a little disappointed , and I couldn 't blame him . She kind of rejected the idea a bit . Evanglina shook her head . " I didn 't say that . I just think we 're still so young ! " She then laughed . " That said , I think that if you and I make it through our four years of college together , then yes . I can definitely see it . " It 's then that I decided to take my leave and give them a bit of privacy , but not before snapping another pic of them . They are so adorable ! I still can 't believe they were cheated from Prom King and Queen ! Although , at this point the whole school pretty much knows that Angel bribed Greg Jensen . I 'm surprised that the principle hasn 't asked her to give her crown up . He is totally the type to do that ! Not that Angel would give it up willingly . After everything she has been going through , that crown is probably her one piece of salvation ! Well , that 's it for this week . Only a few posts left , and that means only a few posts left to guess who I am . Yes , you guessed it , I am a Queendale graduate this year ! So time is running out for you , my dearies ! Keep guessing , and I will be revealing my identity in my last post ! Guess correctly and you may just get a shout out ! More soon ! ( Hey my readers ! Thank you so much for reading my story ! There are only a few posts left of Kisses , Lexie , so stay tuned ! Has anyone figured out Lexie 's identity yet ? Leave your guesses in the comments ! More soon ! 😉 ) Hey Queendalers ! If you guessed " sleeping bag " , you got it ! So this week was a slow one . With all the seniors worrying about graduation and getting all their credits , there is no trouble for drama . Well , for the most part . So , Track season has come to a close . That said , Paul has still been practicing his skills , including soccer and basketball . I spotted him practicing with Emily at the park Thursday afternoon . Let me tell you , she was not so bad herself ! She put up a good game , kicking the ball with all her might into the net . Even with all Paul 's training , she gave him quite a workout . Still , she was no match for Paul and his superb goalie skills . He blocked every single one of Emilie 's balls despite her powerful force of kicks . Somehow , I think he will do just fine at either Bridgeport University or Alfred State with soccer . Unfortunately , it started to rain forty minutes later , ruining their fun . And it was coming down pretty hard . The two of them both then packed up their things and headed out . I however , would have stuck around if I was them . There is nothing like playing soccer in the rain . I love it ! Sure , you might slip and slide along the mud , but that 's more of the fun ! Emilie and Paul weren 't the only ones having fun this week . I spotted Evanglina and Ricky driving along this weekend together . It would seem that Evanglina has finally managed to get her permit and is working with Ricky to get her license ! Better now than never ! I 'm sure you are wondering how she has been doing since the whole fiasco last weekend . Well , Evanglina is now back at school and seems to be doing better . She still has some scars on her neck and face left from Jake 's abuse , but other than that , she seems to be okay . She does seem a little quieter and more guarded than usual , but who can blame her ? I can 't imagine dealing with what she has had to deal with for the past two years or more ! At least there is now a bit of happiness for her . I also saw her at the park again , strumming on her guitar along with Maria . The two of them are really on about this starting a band thing . They have even given themselves a name , " Evarie , " by putting their names together . And trust me , they are not bad . Their performance at the Prom has sparked a lot of attention and from what I 've heard , someone has posted a video of it online on " Youbook " , the social media Queendale teens are addicted to . The video has almost 250 , 000 views which is pretty good for Queendale and the state . These girls might be going places ! Although , I was a bit surprised to see they were watching the FearNet station . Funny , they didn 't even seem that scared . I would have been terrified out of my mind ! They show the creepiest movies on there , but there were the four of them laughing while watching ! Crazy ! The night then ended with a nice soak in the hot tub out back in the Emerson 's backyard . All four of them were laughing and seeming to be having a good time . Even Evanglina seemed to be enjoying herself . Maria shook her head . " I just can 't talk to him right now . I feel like my emotions are all over the place . On one side , I am still so angry that I can 't even think straight and then on the other side , I just miss him so much . " " Don 't Eva , " Kara said shaking her head . " You had to leave . You couldn 't stay in an environment like that . It was bad for you . I mean , look what Jake did to you ! " " Your mom is hurt now , but she caused this . She shouldn 't have let Jake do all that to you . I think right now you need to focus on you . " After soaking , they started to head inside , but then Evanglina said she had a spooky story to tell . They all then gathered on the ground and she began telling them a ghost story . As she told the story , they all got so into it , that they started jerking and pulling away as if Evanglina was the one doing all the killing in the story ! The four of them then headed inside . It is amazing how so much has changed , but the four of them have still managed to be good friends . Go figure . Hey Queendalers ! So I am sure you are all wondering exactly what is going on with the Marsens since last week 's post . Well , I actually do have some news , for those of you who don 't yet know . Here we go ! So as you know , Evanglina hasn 't really been in school the past week . While everyone figured that she was just sick ( and there may have been some truth to that ) , it would seem that she was at home because Jake and Henria were keeping her there . And of course , it only got worse after Kara told Evanglina about the possibility of Ricky being her father . Since that night that Jake dragged her upstairs to her room , Evanglina has not been seen out of the house . I 'm serious ! It 's like she disappeared . Kara and Derek have tried to see her a few times , but Henria always yells at them to leave and Jake slams the door in their faces . It is pretty obvious that they are basically keeping her trapped there , something that it would seem Sarah came to notice . After almost a week had passed , she made her way over to talk to Henria . It was Thursday afternoon to be exact . Henria didn 't want to let her in , but Sarah would not take no for an answer . She pushed her way through the door and into the house . " What do you want Sarah ? " Henria said rolling her eyes . Her face looked like she hadn 't slept in days . What on Earth was she taking ? " I came to see Evanglina , " said Sarah . " Kara said she hasn 't been in school for almost two weeks . She said she came over last week and snuck in to see her , but since then you haven 't been letting anyone in . So , I decided to come over to see for myself . " Henria scoffed . " I don 't know , and I really don 't care . Whatever the case , you wasted a trip . Evanglina isn 't having any visitors , so you can just go . " " Listen Henria , " Sarah snapped . " I am not going anywhere until I see Evanglina . I don 't care if she is contagious or whatever you say . I want to see her . Now . " Henria glared at her . " Excuse me , but this is my house and Evanglina is my daughter . You can 't just barge in here and order me around ! " " No ! " Sarah yelled . " You aren 't getting rid of me this time . I want to see her . Besides , the test results come back today . " Henria 's eyes widened . " W - what ? H - how are you running a test ? I have not given you permission nor have I given you any sample of Evanglina 's DNA ! " Sarah sighed . " I just want the truth Henria , and so does Ricky . " Just as she said this , a car pulled up and then Ricky emerged from the front door . " Looks like Ricky is here , " she said . " So it wasn 't some magical DNA . She got it off Evanglina 's used latte cup , from when she took her and Kara shopping . And I received the results right before I came here . " He pauses to take a deep breath . " Henria … I 'm her father . " I honestly wonder what reaction Ricky was hoping for . Maybe shock ? Surprise ? Horror ? I don 't know , but it was not what he got . After those words left his lips , she just stood there staring at him . " And how could I ? What with you screwing my sister back at home ! You chose her over us ! So Evanglina and I had to move on with our lives ! " " What do you mean us ? I didn 't even know you were pregnant ! You left town and never told me ! I would have never abandoned Evanglina ! " It 's amazing how this has turned into a shouting match . If anyone had been jogging by or even biking , they would have been able to hear their whole conversation . It was that loud , and also , the window happened to be open . " Well , I 'm sorry , but you can 't decide that anymore , Henria , " he said finally . " Evanglina is eighteen years old now , and she 's my daughter too . So that means I have just as much right as you do . " Henria scoffed . " Oh please , you haven 't even been a part of her life . In a custody hearing you wouldn 't have any say . " " Are you kidding ? " Ricky raised his eyebrows , " If we were negotiating for custody , you would be at a serious loss ! For goodness sakes , you are engaged to a man that allegedly imports drugs ! He is on the police station 's watch list ! " Henria sighed . " Ricky just came over to tell me how he and Sarah had my daughter tested to see if he is her father . Apparently , the test came back positive for a match . " Meanwhile , Jake just laughed . " That little b * * * * ( censoring ) doesn 't deserve to be called anything other than what she is . A dirty , little rotten slut . " Only Jake didn 't take that too well . He gritted his teeth and then tackled Ricky ! The two of them then went rolling onto the floor . Henria just stood above them watching in surprise and awe . The fight went on for a while with each of them struggling against each other . There is then a loud crashing sound and I can 't tell whether it was caused by them or from something upstairs . Ricky 's face looked totally furious while Jake had that killer look in his eyes . Scary ! Finally , they both pulled apart panting . At that same time , Evanglina and Sarah emerged from upstairs . Evanglina looked horrible and terribly weak as she followed behind her . Her face was sunken like she hasn 't slept in days , and there was still a bruise on her cheek from where Jake had backhanded her ; not to mention a few on her neck . " I got her out of her room , " Sarah interrupted . " The door was locked , so I had to break in to get her out . " She gave Henria a dirty look . " She was handcuffed to her bed . " Jake smirked . " Hey , some kids need harsher punishments for the message to sink in . Evanglina happens to be one of them . Only problem , she doesn 't seem to learn her lesson , as you can see . " " How dare you ! " Ricky made a move toward Jake , but he was too quick . Jake lunged at him and then the two them go at it again ! " We aren 't ! Evanglina wants to come with us , which I think is an excellent decision considering what is happening to her here ! Also , she is eighteen years old ! She can move out ! And you forcing her to stay here against her will , is basically kidnapping ! " " You don 't have a choice ! " Sarah said , and then sighed . " Ricky and I are walking out of here with Evanglina and if you try to stop us , I will call the police . " Evanglina just took one look at Henria and the house before turning away . Henria then stood by the doorsteps and watched Sarah 's car drive away before bursting into tears . I want to feel sorry for her , but I can 't . I am just too happy that finally Evanglina is out of that chaos . As Ricky and Sarah drove off into the distance , I couldn 't help but feel extremely relieved . I had been on the verge of blowing my cover to help Evanglina out . Luckily , I didn 't have to . Maybe just maybe , things might get better for that girl . One can hope . Well , that is it for this week . The weeks are dwindling down and summer is almost on us . Also , graduation is right around the corner ! Soon high school will be behind us . Let 's have a toast to bigger and better things in life . More soon my dearies ! Hey my Queendalers ! So last week 's code was a little weird , but some of you were still able to guess it , " butterfly . " Still , some of you did struggle with it , so I will leave the code for one more week for those of you that could not guess it . Well , this week 's post is a bit jam packed , so let me get started ! First of all , I spotted Angel and Claire at Feng Shui Fusion on Friday night . They were perched on stools while enjoying plates of sushi . Claire was going on about her irritation with the events of prom night . " I cannot believe that he ditched me for Kara , " she said , shaking her head . " I mean , its Kara ! I can 't believe he left me for that piece of trash . " " You 're complaining , " Angel gave her a look , " What about Claude ? He basically made me look like some pathetic loser ! Telling me that he had no interest in me romantically ? He basically " friend - zoned " me ! " ( Oh yes he did ! It was absolutely beautiful . ) " And on top of that , he also ditched me for Emilie ! That science geek ! " Angel rolled her eyes . " So , I think I had it a bit worse than you . " " I didn 't say she didn 't . " Angel sighed . " I 'm just saying maybe you shouldn 't have fought with her at the dance . You know how strict the principle was being about fights . " " Hey , no worries , " Angel then said . " This fall we will be in college and get to be around hot college guys . We won 't have to bother ourselves with these stupid high school guys anymore . " " Well , I heard back from Bridgeport University and Duke . They apparently both accepted me . I was a bit surprised about Duke . I got an interview and I didn 't think it went well . I guess there was something about me they liked . " Claire glared at him . " I dropped her off at home on my way home from school . Besides , I uninvited her . This dinner is just for Angel and I . " Claude stared at her for a moment in silence before responding . " To what are you implying ? I don 't believe I have ever messed with you . " Claude raised his eyebrows in realization . " Oh that . I was not messing with Angel . I simply told her that she had the wrong idea about us . We were just friends , but she had mistakenly thought we were more . " " That wasn 't her fault ! You asked her to the prom ! That is asking her out ! You are the one that suddenly changed your mind and wanted to be with , Emilie . " Still Claude pays her no mind . " Look , I didn 't come to argue with you . If Charlotte is at home like you say , I will just go and see her there . " He then turns and leaves , ignoring her loud comment about him being an " asswhole , " as he walks out . I swear , sometimes I wonder if Angel or Claire have any class left in their bodies . Not that they had much to begin with . In other news , I am sure you are wondering what has been going on with Evanglina since everything on the morning after prom night . Literally everyone is wondering that . No one has really seen much of Evanglina for the past week . I don 't think she has even been at school . Maybe she was sick ? Well , I found out the true reason that Friday afternoon . Kara , who had been trying to get into the Marsen house , was finally able to do so when Jake temporarily stepped outside for a few minutes to smoke ( yes , you know what ) . Kara crept in through the back door quietly and found Evanglina cleaning the kitchen . " Hey , what 's up ? " she said , walking over to her . " I haven 't really seen much of you in the past week . Is everything okay ? " It looked like Kara wasn 't buying it either . " Are you sure ? It 's not like you to miss four whole days of school . Not even for being sick . Then again , Monday you didn 't look too good . " Evanglina sighed . " I 'm sorry , my mom 's just really angry about prom night . I slept over at Derek 's house and she is really mad about it . They both are . " " I - I don 't . I - I just don 't want any more problems right now , " Evanglina said . Her voice sounded a little strained . Kara still looked worried , but she moved on . " Well , I came to tell you something . I 've actually been trying to get a hold of you so I could talk to you about it . " " So I heard my mother talking the other day about you and Ricky . It was so weird . She was on the phone with someone and she said something about them needing to hurry with some type of test results . " Kara nodded . " Yes . She was really annoyed about it too . She said that she had asked them to put a rush on it , because Ricky needed to know sooner rather than later . It seemed really important to her . " " I thought so too , but then I started thinking about back when I was talking to Ricky and I said that you and him looked alike . Well , he told me that my mom seemed to really think so and was obsessing over it . Now , he 's been talking about it a lot too . " Kara shrugged . " I know , it sounds crazy , but I really think she believes it ! And I 'll bet that those test results are to prove it . " " Your father . And honestly ? I think Ricky does so too . " Kara then smiled . " It 's weird to think about , right ? That said , it would explain why your mom hates the fact that he is married to my mom . Especially , if she has known all this time . " " My mom probably doesn 't know . She couldn 't . That would mean that she would have kept me from him for all these years . She may have problems , but she wouldn 't do that to me . Right ? " Kara jumped . " I should go ! I don 't want to get you in anymore trouble . Call me , me okay ? And call Derek . He 's really worried about you . " She then slipped out through the back door . Okay , now here is where things got crazy . Henria , as it turns out , was at home the whole time ! She was upstairs and after Kara left , she came slowly down the stairs . Jake coughing a bit from his joint , came walking in through the front door . " I thought we told you that you weren 't allowed any friends over ! Jakes bellowed . " Wow ! You think you can just do whatever you damn well please , don 't you ? " " No I don 't ! " Evanglina cried in frustration . " I didn 't invite her over ! She just came over because she wanted to tell me that Sarah was having some test being run . Something with me and Ricky . " " It 's a lie ! " Henria snapped . " Sarah doesn 't know what she 's talking about ! She 's crazy and making things up ! " " Look at what you 're doing ! " Jake said , glaring at Evanglina . " You 're upsetting your mother ! All for the stupid lie your slut aunt is telling . What an ungrateful waste of space ! " After he says this , Evanglina stared at him for a moment in shock . " I can 't believe you said that . " She then looked at Henria . " Mom ? Aren 't you going to say something ? " Evanglina shook her head . " You know what ? I can 't take this anymore ! I have put up with all this long enough ! I thought I could handle it until graduation , but I can 't ! I have had it ! I 'm moving out ! " " RICKY IS NOT YOUR FATHER ! " Henria screamed . She was on the verge of being hysterical . " HE is not a part of our family ! HE is with Sarah ! Not us ! So just let it go ! " And like usual , just as Evanglina finished saying this , Jake stepped forward and backhanded her hard across the face . Only this time , even I could see that he left a mark . I then noticed that he was wearing some type of ring on his finger and it totally scraped her face during the hit . There was a long gash on Evanglina 's cheek and blood was starting to seep through . But Jake didn 't stop there . He slapped Evanglina several more times and when she fell , he began to kick her body roughly . I literally watched in horror as Jake beat Evanglina up and her mother just stood watching without lifting a finger to help her . Seriously ! She just stood there watching like her mind was somewhere else . I was on the verge of calling the police , when Jake finally stopped . " I told you that you hadn 't seen anything yet , " Jake sneered . " And if you ever talk like that to your mother again , I can do much , much worse . Keep going and you might just not be able to use those legs for a while . " He then grabbed Evanglina by the arm and pulled her up the stairs . You could hear Evanglina 's screams and shouts as he dragged her up the staircase while yelling , " Shut up or I 'll give you something to shout about ! " Then silence when her bedroom door closed loudly . Now I have to say , I am left in a position of confusion . On one hand , I am just a blogger who reports what I see and remains out of the conflicts , but what if I see something that is serious ? What then ? Do I get involved and do something about it ? Or do I watch for the situation to play out ? Well , for now , I will be keeping a close eye on the Marsens as I figure out how to approach this . Meanwhile , please feel free to forward this to anyone you think can help . Violence should never be tolerated , especially not from parents to children . And from the way things are going , Evanglina is going to need all the help she can get to get out of this situation . |
Hey Queendalers ! So if you guessed " Hawks " you guessed right ! I couldn 't resist using our loveable mascot as a code word ! Next week 's code will be a pretty easy one as well , in honor of it being my final post . But we will get to that later . Onto the post ! So since Sarah and Ricky rescued Evanglina from Jake and Henria , Ricky has been spending a lot of time with her . It 's almost as if they are trying to make up for eighteen lost years in just a month ! I spotted them Thursday afternoon hanging out at McDoogles . They had a nice lunch of burgers and fries and then played some of the arcade games . I even caught them playing a game of foosball at one of the tables in the back . Man , it has been so long since I have played that game . I used to love playing it as a kid . Evanglina then let go of the table . " No I don 't , " she said , a bit too loudly , causing people to stare . She then turned and walked out the door with Ricky following behind her . Ricky smiled . " It 's okay . I understand . I shouldn 't have pushed you . I guess I just wanted to know how you were feeling . This whole situation is - " " Crazy , " Evanglina finished . She then exhaled sharply . " I just wish she had been honest with all of us a long time ago . Then things wouldn 't be like this . I 'm just so confused and I don 't know how to feel . " " See , that 's what I don 't get , " Evanglina then said , shaking her head . " My mother lied to you . She lied to you ! She didn 't tell you that you were my father and hid it for eighteen years , and she was going to keep hiding it if Aunt Sarah didn 't find out the truth . Why aren 't you angry with her ? How can you just forgive her and want me to talk to her ? " Ricky looked at Evanglina quietly for a minute and then sighed . " I am angry , Evanglina , very , but it won 't change anything . What happened , happened and as much as I hate it , I may have been part to blame for why she lied in the first place . " " Yes , that . I didn 't deal with the situation very well ; neither of us did , and we really hurt your mother in the process . I 'm not saying all this was okay , but I do see where she might have been coming from . I think she has been carrying what happened between us for all these years . " Evanglina lifted her shoulders . " Fine . Maybe you 're right . But what about Jake ? Ever since she started dating him , she has been all about him and never about me . " " She has taken his word over mine so many times that I have lost count ! Every time I tried to tell her about something that he did to me , she would never believe me ! Every time he slapped me , cursed at me or even threatened me , she never listened . He even beat me up in front of her twice and she just watched ! " Evanglina shook her head . " All that I have gone through because of her , I can 't forgive . " " It always amazes me when you talk about it . It makes me so angry that you had to go through all that . I wish I could have been there for you . " " I 'm not trying to defend her . I 'm not even asking you to forgive her . I just think you should talk to her . Maybe she wouldn 't be hounding you so much if you told her what you just told me . " Evanglina stared at him for a moment in silence and then nodded . " Maybe you 're right , " she said . " I just don 't know if I am ready to . " After leaving McDoogles , they both head to the beach and skip some stones into the ocean . Ricky has a long arm and is able to get his stone to skip several times before it drops underwater . I have tried to do that so many times , but I can only get mine to skip twice . They then take a dip in the ocean , splashing around in the water . The sky starts to darken , but they both didn 't seem to care . I can 't help but feel happy for her . Evanglina finally has the family she has always wanted . In other news , Claude and Emilie have been spending a lot of time together . I have been seeing an awful lot of them around town . I guess with him leaving , Emilie wanted to get as much time with him as possible . The day before he left , I saw them hanging together at Marcelle Park . They stay like that for almost thirty minutes and even shared a few passionate kisses before leaving . I think it helped that the park happened to be empty that day . Not that I think either of them would have cared all that much . Claude grinned . " Especially then . I want to hear all about how things are at Columbia . I 'm so happy you got accepted . I know how much you wanted to go there . " Emilie 's cheeks reddened . " Thanks , and I am happy for you for getting into the University of Cambridge . I want to hear all about that too . " They then pull in for a kiss and spend the next few minutes doing so in the warm summer breeze . They seem almost lost in each other and I am starting to feel like a hidden third wheel . Not that I haven 't felt this way many times before . Then with a final hug and kiss , Claude took off , leaving Emilie standing in front of the gate watching after him . My heart breaks for her . I can 't imagine gaining my first boyfriend and then having him leave me to return home . Another reason why I don 't do long distance . So that makes the end of this week 's posts . I can 't believe it , but next week will be my last post as Lexie . It 's crazy how time flies . That said , keep up with your guesses , because in just a week you may just know who Lexie really is . Hey my Queendalers ! If you guessed the code word " fight , " you guessed right ! I hope you Queendale High students knew that one because if you didn 't , you need to get some school spirit ! Anyways , I am so sorry that I haven 't posted in a month . Things have been so crazy with school ending and graduation that Lexie has not had time to write ; but fear not ! Lexie is back and has some juice to share about graduation and grad night ! So as I said earlier , the night of graduation has finally arrived ! In the early evening of the wondrous day , I spotted Evanglina and Kara leaving the house to go to the City Hall auditorium . It is crazy how much people can change in a month . It feels like everyone has already matured into adults ! I thought this as I reached the city hall and saw Maria Henderson arriving in her cap and gown . She looked absolutely beautiful as she walked up the steps , just like a young woman . Time really goes by , doesn 't it ? After Maria had arrived with Josephina and her parents and went inside , more students started arriving . I happened to notice Angel as she passed by and entered the building . Her hair was tucked neatly into her cap which is the first time I have really seen her face , clearly . Is it rude for me to say she looks older than I thought she did ? I saw Claire and Adam arrive together with Claire in a snow - white dress . I was a bit confused , but then I heard that Claire had accidently misplaced her graduation gown ! Awkward ! She was going to have to walk onstage dressed out of uniform . I guess her mother had tried to make her feel better by letting her borrow one of her formal dresses , but honestly , I think it just makes it more obvious that she forgot her cap and gown . The ceremony itself , went very well . There were choir and orchestra performances and then the valedictorian , Emilie Nelson , said a few words . I was not surprised it was her , for she was the most studious student in the whole school . She even founded the Pre - Med club , something that has not been done before around here . Senior Class president was originally Abigail Best , but since she was still gone , the task was given to Claire . I do have to say it was awkward with her dressed in that white dress . I was surprised , but Claire gave a surprisingly good speech . Not as good as Emilie 's , but not bad . By the time the ceremony was over , all the seniors were pretty pumped . I also spotted Derek and Adam coming out through the doors together with him twirling his diploma in his hand . I swear he grew an inch or two from May till now ! Adam too ! A few minutes later , I saw Derek standing with Evanglina ( surprise , surprise ) . They shared a warm embrace and kiss , as they stood there together . I 'm sure Angel and Claire were not too happy about it . They have been giving her the cold shoulder all night ! I then saw Kara standing not too far off tossing her diploma as well . Ricky was standing nearby smiling along with Sarah . It sure is nice to see them all looking so happy after the whole thing with Jake and Henria . And was it just me , or does Sarah 's stomach look a little bigger than usual ? Could she possibly be eating for two ? Time will tell ! I also saw Emilie coming out of city hall as well . She was grinning from ear to ear and carrying her diploma . She looked extremely proud of herself , which I think was totally well deserved . Those last words of her speech , " No matter where we go or live or what we become , we will always be Queendale Hawks at heart , " really resonated with me , and by the way everyone was cheering , it resonated with them too . It was starting to get a bit crowded in front , until people started dispersing . Then through the crowd , I saw Maria chatting with David Maxwell ! I thought it was a bit awkward , but from what I heard , he was congratulating her and wishing her well . Something tells me that he has been talking to Adam lately . I also saw Angel watching them from the corner of her eye . I 'm telling you , if that girl could rid the world of Maria and Evanglina … A while later I spotted Claire finally emerge from the city hall doors , yes , still in her white ball gown . I am surprised that she didn 't get grief about it . The principle is pretty stringent about those kinds of things . Then again , the Maxwells have donated a lot of money to the school , so maybe the principle decided to look the other way . Thirty minutes later , the crowd started to thin out some more . I was then able to see Paul and Brian Nelson coming out of the building . He had traded his cap for a baseball one and was wearing a little smirk . " Hey seniors ! " he called out then , " Don 't forget ! Bonfire starts at the beach in thirty minutes ! " This was followed by loud cheers , which I saw many parents cover their ears to . Evanglina grinned . " Thank you . It means a lot coming from you , " she said , and then with a little wave , she heads off to Derek 's motorcycle where he was waiting for her . Wow . It is amazing how close the two of them have gotten in such a small amount of time . I caught Derek and Adam even stopping to take in the scenery . And may I say , they both looked fantastic in their bathing suits . All rock hard and chiseled . Even I 'm getting all hot and bothered ! It looked like someone brought over a portable boom box and started blaring some tunes from the speakers . I even saw an ice shaving machine ! Maria took advantage of this as I saw her walking off with a lemon ice shaving . I even happened to snag a cherry and blue raspberry flavored one without anyone noticing . Delicious ! I spotted Josephina arriving a bit later in a pair of boots . She totally had that pirate thing going on ! There was a buffet table up on the beach lookout , and it seemed both she and Adam were heading right up to it . " Kara got accepted too , " she was saying . " She also got accepted into the University of Aderson and Cleveland University , but she chose the same as me . " She laughed . " I 'd be lying if I said I wasn 't happy about it . " Emilie smiled . " That 's great ! I hear Maria and Derek are going there as well . It 's nice that you will all be together . " " Yah , but it won 't be the same without you . " Evanglina sighed . " Still , I 'm so happy you got into Columbia University . " Emilie shrugged . " I 'm not totally sure . He seems split between Alfred State and Bridgeport , but if I could place a bet , I 'd say Alfred State . I think its Kara that is making him confused , what with them now dating and everything . " Out on the deck , Adam and Josephina were still munching on the buffet food . But that wasn 't all . It would seem that Adam had a bit of an ulterior motive for eating with her . As they ate , he seemed to be asking a lot of questions about Maria and how she was doing , including , asking where she was thinking about going to school . " Trust me Adam . Talk to her , " she said , and then she left the deck . Goodness . If Adam is still after Maria after all this time , I really think that boy is head over heels . Seriously . I even feel a bit bad for him . Maria took a deep breath . " I really like NYU , but the music program at Bridgeport University is amazing . Also , I have always wanted to go to school in Bridgeport . " " I think you just need to talk to him about it . Really talk to him . Make him understand how you feel . At least then you both aren 't walking on egg shells . " They are both quiet and then laugh . " No ! " They say in unison and then walk off toward the bonfire . Here 's to wishing them both a stress - free summer . Derek and Evanglina seemed to be getting a little mushy by the fire pit while dancing to the music from the boombox . Seeing them together so happy , I can 't help but wonder if they will still be together this time next year . Then again , if they can get through everything they have been through over the past year and a half , I think they can get through anything . They just might be the couple that will someday make it down the alter . As for Adam and Maria , who knows . Things aren 't looking that great for them . Although I did happen to catch them finally speaking to each other before the party ended . Adam seemed to want to go on , but Maria didn 't seem ready . I heard her say something about meeting up later this week and then she turned and left . Adam looked crushed , but a little hopeful . Don 't worry my Queendalers , I will keep my eye on that development . Emilie and Claude were also still left chatting away with each other . It 's so strange to see Emilie with a boyfriend . She has really come out of her shell over the year . " Paul , I don 't want you to have any regrets about the school you go to . I want you to go to the one that makes you the happiest . Even if that means I won 't be there . " Kara laughed . " I 'm not like other girls . And I want you to be happy . Besides , we won 't be too far from each other . Just an hour away . " And just like the end of a chick flick rom - com movie , they shared a lip lock under the stars . Not trying to be cheesy , but it was definitely a " The Notebook " like kiss . I guess we now know where Paul will be going . Alfred State , here he comes ! Well , that ends grad night for the seniors ! Congratulations to all of you ! Go Hawks ! And to those of you still guessing my identity , you are getting very close ! Hey Queendalers ! Code word for this week , is " calendar . " I thought it was fitting considering how fast time has been flying by . In just a month , school will be out for the summer ! Life is crazy , huh ? Well I won 't waste any time with my personal rambling . Let 's get right to it ! So Henrietta was spotted at " The Maxwell " earlier this week . She was having lunch with a friend , one I can only assume was from work . Henrietta has now turned from her life as a lady of leisure and to become a receptionist at one of the local salons . And from the conversation she was having , she wasn 't too happy about it . " And that woman wouldn 't know a brush if it hit her in the face , " Henrietta was saying about a customer . " I 'm telling you Lisa , the most outrageous people show up at the salon . I don 't know how you have put up with it all these years . " Lisa rolled her eyes . " Tell me about it . I swear , some people shouldn 't even be allowed in there . I have to fix her split ends and her horribly frizzy up do , and she has the nerve to give me attitude ? They are the worst . " Henrietta nodded . " She 's even said that . Nonetheless , Luke is her real father and he wants a relationship with her . He won 't stop until he forms one . He feels like he has been robbed of a life with her . " " That and you helped get me a job after the divorce . " Henrietta sighed again . " The way Damien is going , I 'm going to end up with nothing in the divorce settlement . He 's basically making it seem like I just married him for his money . " " Didn 't you also claim you married Luke for that reason ? What made you two divorce ? Wasn 't it because he went bankrupt ? " When Henrietta gave her a dirty look , Lisa chuckled . " Okay , all right . I 'll stop . I am on your side . It 's just you are in a pretty sticky situation . " " Well , Derek seems to be leaning toward Bridgeport University , but Damien really wants him to go to his Alma Mater , University of Columbia Heights . Angel on the other hand , I don 't know . She hasn 't heard back from any of her schools yet , and she doesn 't really seem to care too much . " Henrietta looked away . " I am a bit worried about her . " Lisa grinned . " I think Angel is just trying to find herself . With everything going on with her , it 's not a surprise to me that she would be confused . I 'm sure she will figure things out in time . " " I know . And I 'll bet she knows it too . She just needs some time . " Lisa then clasped her hands together . " Now let 's order . I 'm famished . " They then turn back to their menus and begin to order . I still can 't believe Henrietta has a job . Granted , it is a job that totally suits her , but still . I never thought I would see the day that Henrietta would have to work . Karma 's a witch , isn 't it ? Speaking of Angel , I spotted her later that evening at the club owned by Damien . She was there with Claire and they seemed pretty down . I am not too surprised since they have been that way since Prom . I 'll bet it is the first time that both of them have lost the guys they were dating . They won 't stop talking about it ! Upon arriving they headed straight to the Karaoke booth and started singing ( well , screeching ) song after song . And I mean from Paula Deana 's hits to oldies , like the spice girls . It was crazy and extremely obnoxious . Not that anyone said a word . I think they all knew who Angel and Claire 's parents were . After thirty minutes had passed , the room started to empty . I think people had heard enough of their squawking and needed some peace . I even felt like I was losing my mind . " Tell me about it . " Angel flipped a strand of her hair over her shoulder . " My mom won 't stop bugging me about school , and , well … Luke . " " He 's not my dad . Well , he is , but - " Angel broke off and sighed . " I don 't know , the whole thing is kind of confusing to me right now . I 'm just not ready to talk to him yet . " " I can 't blame you . I don 't know how I would feel if I found out my dad wasn 't my real dad . I don 't know how you 've been able to deal with it . " Claire shrugged . " Hey , you were in a bad place that night . I just wish Claude had been gentleman enough to take you home . I can 't believe he just left you there like that . What a jerk . " " Ugh , that freak . " Claire rolled her eyes . " I don 't even know what he sees in her . Have you been seeing the two of them lately ? They 've been all lovey dovey and gross . " " I know ! " Angel shivered . " It 's almost as bad as Paul and Kara . I totally caught them making out in the park this week . " She makes a gagging motion with her finger and tongue . " Tell me about it . I 'd say it has been that way since the Marsens moved in last year . Not to mention when Adam started dating Maria . " " Don 't even bring that up , " Claire said shaking her head . " I have been trying to get Adam to just let her go , but he refuses to . I just hope he goes to Duke University so he can be away from her . " " Yah , but I 've decided not to go . I accepted the offer to Cleveland University instead . That said , I kind of have other plans for after graduation . What about you ? Have you gotten accepted anywhere ? " Angel looked down at her plate in silence . " No . I 've actually been rejected from all the schools I applied to . I haven 't told my mom about it , I just said that I hadn 't received all my letters yet . I don 't know how to tell her . " Angel nodded . " I know , I just don 't know how . Honestly , I don 't really think I am ready to go to college . I feel like I just want to go out and explore the world for a bit first . If I went , I wouldn 't even know what to study or anything . I just don 't think it is right for me . " " So , I talked to my mom about me taking some time off before going to Cleveland University . I managed to delay my acceptance to them for a quarter and I talked my mom into letting me go stay with my aunt in France . Maybe if you talked to your mom , you could come with me ! Can you imagine the adventures we would have in Paris ? " " Of course ! Besides , it would be fun to have you along . It was going to be a bit lonely going by myself since both of my cousins are going to a university in Barcelona . If you come with me , it could be us against Paris . " Angel grinned . " I 'll talk to my mom . And you know , she just might agree to it . It beats me siting around and looking pitiful until next year rolls around . " " I hear you . " Claire then glanced over her shoulder and seemed to finally spot Charlotte singing her rendition of " Blame It On The Weatherman , " by B * witched . " We should go . Charlotte is getting a bit carried away . " Charlotte had taken off with the song and was even hitting high notes . The audience that had left from Claire and Angel 's screeching , had returned and were cheering her on . I am sure going to miss having Charlotte around when school ends . She really has given Angel and Claire a run for their money . Well , minus them using her to break up Adam and Maria , and attempting to do the same with Evanglina and Derek . " I can 't believe Jake did all those things to you . " Derek shook his head , and cursed under his breath . " He 's disgusting . " " No argument here , " Evanglina said in agreement . " I was so relieved when Aunt Sarah showed up with Ricky . I 'm just so happy to be out of there . Things have been so much better . It was so stupid of me not to say anything . I should have listened to you . " Evanglina exhaled deeply . " I know she was probably high on those drugs Jake uses , but still . She just stood and watched ! And that 's not all . She has always chosen Jake over me . I 'm just so angry with her . " Evanglina smiled . " You have . You 've been helping me since all this started . I never had the courage to stand up to Jake before I met you . " " Mine too , " said Evanglina . She then leaned over to touch something in the car and after , music began to emit from the speakers . Ironically , it was Paula Deana 's romantic hit song , " Without You . " " Can you believe that in just a month we won 't be high schoolers anymore ? " " I know , it 's crazy . " Derek shook his head . " I used to feel like high school would never end . Now , I don 't know if I want it to . " Evanglina looked surprised when he said that . " You 're going to Bridgeport University ? I thought your dad wanted you to go to University of Columbia Heights ? " " I 'm not . I 've always wanted to go to Bridgeport University . I 've spent so much time in Queendale that it would be nice to go somewhere different for a change . " " That 's true . I 've been mostly everywhere , but the big city . It will be a nice change . " Evanglina looked upward once again . " To be honest , I 've always seen it in my future . Me graduating from a college in the city and then starting a life there . " Evanglina looked surprised . " You mean , like married ? " When Derek nodded , Evanglina grinned . " I don 't know … maybe . Life is crazy though . " " So , you don 't see it ? " Derek looked a little disappointed , and I couldn 't blame him . She kind of rejected the idea a bit . Evanglina shook her head . " I didn 't say that . I just think we 're still so young ! " She then laughed . " That said , I think that if you and I make it through our four years of college together , then yes . I can definitely see it . " It 's then that I decided to take my leave and give them a bit of privacy , but not before snapping another pic of them . They are so adorable ! I still can 't believe they were cheated from Prom King and Queen ! Although , at this point the whole school pretty much knows that Angel bribed Greg Jensen . I 'm surprised that the principle hasn 't asked her to give her crown up . He is totally the type to do that ! Not that Angel would give it up willingly . After everything she has been going through , that crown is probably her one piece of salvation ! Well , that 's it for this week . Only a few posts left , and that means only a few posts left to guess who I am . Yes , you guessed it , I am a Queendale graduate this year ! So time is running out for you , my dearies ! Keep guessing , and I will be revealing my identity in my last post ! Guess correctly and you may just get a shout out ! More soon ! ( Hey my readers ! Thank you so much for reading my story ! There are only a few posts left of Kisses , Lexie , so stay tuned ! Has anyone figured out Lexie 's identity yet ? Leave your guesses in the comments ! More soon ! 😉 ) Hey Queendalers ! If you guessed " sleeping bag " , you got it ! So this week was a slow one . With all the seniors worrying about graduation and getting all their credits , there is no trouble for drama . Well , for the most part . So , Track season has come to a close . That said , Paul has still been practicing his skills , including soccer and basketball . I spotted him practicing with Emily at the park Thursday afternoon . Let me tell you , she was not so bad herself ! She put up a good game , kicking the ball with all her might into the net . Even with all Paul 's training , she gave him quite a workout . Still , she was no match for Paul and his superb goalie skills . He blocked every single one of Emilie 's balls despite her powerful force of kicks . Somehow , I think he will do just fine at either Bridgeport University or Alfred State with soccer . Unfortunately , it started to rain forty minutes later , ruining their fun . And it was coming down pretty hard . The two of them both then packed up their things and headed out . I however , would have stuck around if I was them . There is nothing like playing soccer in the rain . I love it ! Sure , you might slip and slide along the mud , but that 's more of the fun ! Emilie and Paul weren 't the only ones having fun this week . I spotted Evanglina and Ricky driving along this weekend together . It would seem that Evanglina has finally managed to get her permit and is working with Ricky to get her license ! Better now than never ! I 'm sure you are wondering how she has been doing since the whole fiasco last weekend . Well , Evanglina is now back at school and seems to be doing better . She still has some scars on her neck and face left from Jake 's abuse , but other than that , she seems to be okay . She does seem a little quieter and more guarded than usual , but who can blame her ? I can 't imagine dealing with what she has had to deal with for the past two years or more ! At least there is now a bit of happiness for her . I also saw her at the park again , strumming on her guitar along with Maria . The two of them are really on about this starting a band thing . They have even given themselves a name , " Evarie , " by putting their names together . And trust me , they are not bad . Their performance at the Prom has sparked a lot of attention and from what I 've heard , someone has posted a video of it online on " Youbook " , the social media Queendale teens are addicted to . The video has almost 250 , 000 views which is pretty good for Queendale and the state . These girls might be going places ! Although , I was a bit surprised to see they were watching the FearNet station . Funny , they didn 't even seem that scared . I would have been terrified out of my mind ! They show the creepiest movies on there , but there were the four of them laughing while watching ! Crazy ! The night then ended with a nice soak in the hot tub out back in the Emerson 's backyard . All four of them were laughing and seeming to be having a good time . Even Evanglina seemed to be enjoying herself . Maria shook her head . " I just can 't talk to him right now . I feel like my emotions are all over the place . On one side , I am still so angry that I can 't even think straight and then on the other side , I just miss him so much . " " Don 't Eva , " Kara said shaking her head . " You had to leave . You couldn 't stay in an environment like that . It was bad for you . I mean , look what Jake did to you ! " " Your mom is hurt now , but she caused this . She shouldn 't have let Jake do all that to you . I think right now you need to focus on you . " After soaking , they started to head inside , but then Evanglina said she had a spooky story to tell . They all then gathered on the ground and she began telling them a ghost story . As she told the story , they all got so into it , that they started jerking and pulling away as if Evanglina was the one doing all the killing in the story ! The four of them then headed inside . It is amazing how so much has changed , but the four of them have still managed to be good friends . Go figure . Hey Queendalers ! So I am sure you are all wondering exactly what is going on with the Marsens since last week 's post . Well , I actually do have some news , for those of you who don 't yet know . Here we go ! So as you know , Evanglina hasn 't really been in school the past week . While everyone figured that she was just sick ( and there may have been some truth to that ) , it would seem that she was at home because Jake and Henria were keeping her there . And of course , it only got worse after Kara told Evanglina about the possibility of Ricky being her father . Since that night that Jake dragged her upstairs to her room , Evanglina has not been seen out of the house . I 'm serious ! It 's like she disappeared . Kara and Derek have tried to see her a few times , but Henria always yells at them to leave and Jake slams the door in their faces . It is pretty obvious that they are basically keeping her trapped there , something that it would seem Sarah came to notice . After almost a week had passed , she made her way over to talk to Henria . It was Thursday afternoon to be exact . Henria didn 't want to let her in , but Sarah would not take no for an answer . She pushed her way through the door and into the house . " What do you want Sarah ? " Henria said rolling her eyes . Her face looked like she hadn 't slept in days . What on Earth was she taking ? " I came to see Evanglina , " said Sarah . " Kara said she hasn 't been in school for almost two weeks . She said she came over last week and snuck in to see her , but since then you haven 't been letting anyone in . So , I decided to come over to see for myself . " Henria scoffed . " I don 't know , and I really don 't care . Whatever the case , you wasted a trip . Evanglina isn 't having any visitors , so you can just go . " " Listen Henria , " Sarah snapped . " I am not going anywhere until I see Evanglina . I don 't care if she is contagious or whatever you say . I want to see her . Now . " Henria glared at her . " Excuse me , but this is my house and Evanglina is my daughter . You can 't just barge in here and order me around ! " " No ! " Sarah yelled . " You aren 't getting rid of me this time . I want to see her . Besides , the test results come back today . " Henria 's eyes widened . " W - what ? H - how are you running a test ? I have not given you permission nor have I given you any sample of Evanglina 's DNA ! " Sarah sighed . " I just want the truth Henria , and so does Ricky . " Just as she said this , a car pulled up and then Ricky emerged from the front door . " Looks like Ricky is here , " she said . " So it wasn 't some magical DNA . She got it off Evanglina 's used latte cup , from when she took her and Kara shopping . And I received the results right before I came here . " He pauses to take a deep breath . " Henria … I 'm her father . " I honestly wonder what reaction Ricky was hoping for . Maybe shock ? Surprise ? Horror ? I don 't know , but it was not what he got . After those words left his lips , she just stood there staring at him . " And how could I ? What with you screwing my sister back at home ! You chose her over us ! So Evanglina and I had to move on with our lives ! " " What do you mean us ? I didn 't even know you were pregnant ! You left town and never told me ! I would have never abandoned Evanglina ! " It 's amazing how this has turned into a shouting match . If anyone had been jogging by or even biking , they would have been able to hear their whole conversation . It was that loud , and also , the window happened to be open . " Well , I 'm sorry , but you can 't decide that anymore , Henria , " he said finally . " Evanglina is eighteen years old now , and she 's my daughter too . So that means I have just as much right as you do . " Henria scoffed . " Oh please , you haven 't even been a part of her life . In a custody hearing you wouldn 't have any say . " " Are you kidding ? " Ricky raised his eyebrows , " If we were negotiating for custody , you would be at a serious loss ! For goodness sakes , you are engaged to a man that allegedly imports drugs ! He is on the police station 's watch list ! " Henria sighed . " Ricky just came over to tell me how he and Sarah had my daughter tested to see if he is her father . Apparently , the test came back positive for a match . " Meanwhile , Jake just laughed . " That little b * * * * ( censoring ) doesn 't deserve to be called anything other than what she is . A dirty , little rotten slut . " Only Jake didn 't take that too well . He gritted his teeth and then tackled Ricky ! The two of them then went rolling onto the floor . Henria just stood above them watching in surprise and awe . The fight went on for a while with each of them struggling against each other . There is then a loud crashing sound and I can 't tell whether it was caused by them or from something upstairs . Ricky 's face looked totally furious while Jake had that killer look in his eyes . Scary ! Finally , they both pulled apart panting . At that same time , Evanglina and Sarah emerged from upstairs . Evanglina looked horrible and terribly weak as she followed behind her . Her face was sunken like she hasn 't slept in days , and there was still a bruise on her cheek from where Jake had backhanded her ; not to mention a few on her neck . " I got her out of her room , " Sarah interrupted . " The door was locked , so I had to break in to get her out . " She gave Henria a dirty look . " She was handcuffed to her bed . " Jake smirked . " Hey , some kids need harsher punishments for the message to sink in . Evanglina happens to be one of them . Only problem , she doesn 't seem to learn her lesson , as you can see . " " How dare you ! " Ricky made a move toward Jake , but he was too quick . Jake lunged at him and then the two them go at it again ! " We aren 't ! Evanglina wants to come with us , which I think is an excellent decision considering what is happening to her here ! Also , she is eighteen years old ! She can move out ! And you forcing her to stay here against her will , is basically kidnapping ! " " You don 't have a choice ! " Sarah said , and then sighed . " Ricky and I are walking out of here with Evanglina and if you try to stop us , I will call the police . " Evanglina just took one look at Henria and the house before turning away . Henria then stood by the doorsteps and watched Sarah 's car drive away before bursting into tears . I want to feel sorry for her , but I can 't . I am just too happy that finally Evanglina is out of that chaos . As Ricky and Sarah drove off into the distance , I couldn 't help but feel extremely relieved . I had been on the verge of blowing my cover to help Evanglina out . Luckily , I didn 't have to . Maybe just maybe , things might get better for that girl . One can hope . Well , that is it for this week . The weeks are dwindling down and summer is almost on us . Also , graduation is right around the corner ! Soon high school will be behind us . Let 's have a toast to bigger and better things in life . More soon my dearies ! Hey my Queendalers ! So last week 's code was a little weird , but some of you were still able to guess it , " butterfly . " Still , some of you did struggle with it , so I will leave the code for one more week for those of you that could not guess it . Well , this week 's post is a bit jam packed , so let me get started ! First of all , I spotted Angel and Claire at Feng Shui Fusion on Friday night . They were perched on stools while enjoying plates of sushi . Claire was going on about her irritation with the events of prom night . " I cannot believe that he ditched me for Kara , " she said , shaking her head . " I mean , its Kara ! I can 't believe he left me for that piece of trash . " " You 're complaining , " Angel gave her a look , " What about Claude ? He basically made me look like some pathetic loser ! Telling me that he had no interest in me romantically ? He basically " friend - zoned " me ! " ( Oh yes he did ! It was absolutely beautiful . ) " And on top of that , he also ditched me for Emilie ! That science geek ! " Angel rolled her eyes . " So , I think I had it a bit worse than you . " " I didn 't say she didn 't . " Angel sighed . " I 'm just saying maybe you shouldn 't have fought with her at the dance . You know how strict the principle was being about fights . " " Hey , no worries , " Angel then said . " This fall we will be in college and get to be around hot college guys . We won 't have to bother ourselves with these stupid high school guys anymore . " " Well , I heard back from Bridgeport University and Duke . They apparently both accepted me . I was a bit surprised about Duke . I got an interview and I didn 't think it went well . I guess there was something about me they liked . " Claire glared at him . " I dropped her off at home on my way home from school . Besides , I uninvited her . This dinner is just for Angel and I . " Claude stared at her for a moment in silence before responding . " To what are you implying ? I don 't believe I have ever messed with you . " Claude raised his eyebrows in realization . " Oh that . I was not messing with Angel . I simply told her that she had the wrong idea about us . We were just friends , but she had mistakenly thought we were more . " " That wasn 't her fault ! You asked her to the prom ! That is asking her out ! You are the one that suddenly changed your mind and wanted to be with , Emilie . " Still Claude pays her no mind . " Look , I didn 't come to argue with you . If Charlotte is at home like you say , I will just go and see her there . " He then turns and leaves , ignoring her loud comment about him being an " asswhole , " as he walks out . I swear , sometimes I wonder if Angel or Claire have any class left in their bodies . Not that they had much to begin with . In other news , I am sure you are wondering what has been going on with Evanglina since everything on the morning after prom night . Literally everyone is wondering that . No one has really seen much of Evanglina for the past week . I don 't think she has even been at school . Maybe she was sick ? Well , I found out the true reason that Friday afternoon . Kara , who had been trying to get into the Marsen house , was finally able to do so when Jake temporarily stepped outside for a few minutes to smoke ( yes , you know what ) . Kara crept in through the back door quietly and found Evanglina cleaning the kitchen . " Hey , what 's up ? " she said , walking over to her . " I haven 't really seen much of you in the past week . Is everything okay ? " It looked like Kara wasn 't buying it either . " Are you sure ? It 's not like you to miss four whole days of school . Not even for being sick . Then again , Monday you didn 't look too good . " Evanglina sighed . " I 'm sorry , my mom 's just really angry about prom night . I slept over at Derek 's house and she is really mad about it . They both are . " " I - I don 't . I - I just don 't want any more problems right now , " Evanglina said . Her voice sounded a little strained . Kara still looked worried , but she moved on . " Well , I came to tell you something . I 've actually been trying to get a hold of you so I could talk to you about it . " " So I heard my mother talking the other day about you and Ricky . It was so weird . She was on the phone with someone and she said something about them needing to hurry with some type of test results . " Kara nodded . " Yes . She was really annoyed about it too . She said that she had asked them to put a rush on it , because Ricky needed to know sooner rather than later . It seemed really important to her . " " I thought so too , but then I started thinking about back when I was talking to Ricky and I said that you and him looked alike . Well , he told me that my mom seemed to really think so and was obsessing over it . Now , he 's been talking about it a lot too . " Kara shrugged . " I know , it sounds crazy , but I really think she believes it ! And I 'll bet that those test results are to prove it . " " Your father . And honestly ? I think Ricky does so too . " Kara then smiled . " It 's weird to think about , right ? That said , it would explain why your mom hates the fact that he is married to my mom . Especially , if she has known all this time . " " My mom probably doesn 't know . She couldn 't . That would mean that she would have kept me from him for all these years . She may have problems , but she wouldn 't do that to me . Right ? " Kara jumped . " I should go ! I don 't want to get you in anymore trouble . Call me , me okay ? And call Derek . He 's really worried about you . " She then slipped out through the back door . Okay , now here is where things got crazy . Henria , as it turns out , was at home the whole time ! She was upstairs and after Kara left , she came slowly down the stairs . Jake coughing a bit from his joint , came walking in through the front door . " I thought we told you that you weren 't allowed any friends over ! Jakes bellowed . " Wow ! You think you can just do whatever you damn well please , don 't you ? " " No I don 't ! " Evanglina cried in frustration . " I didn 't invite her over ! She just came over because she wanted to tell me that Sarah was having some test being run . Something with me and Ricky . " " It 's a lie ! " Henria snapped . " Sarah doesn 't know what she 's talking about ! She 's crazy and making things up ! " " Look at what you 're doing ! " Jake said , glaring at Evanglina . " You 're upsetting your mother ! All for the stupid lie your slut aunt is telling . What an ungrateful waste of space ! " After he says this , Evanglina stared at him for a moment in shock . " I can 't believe you said that . " She then looked at Henria . " Mom ? Aren 't you going to say something ? " Evanglina shook her head . " You know what ? I can 't take this anymore ! I have put up with all this long enough ! I thought I could handle it until graduation , but I can 't ! I have had it ! I 'm moving out ! " " RICKY IS NOT YOUR FATHER ! " Henria screamed . She was on the verge of being hysterical . " HE is not a part of our family ! HE is with Sarah ! Not us ! So just let it go ! " And like usual , just as Evanglina finished saying this , Jake stepped forward and backhanded her hard across the face . Only this time , even I could see that he left a mark . I then noticed that he was wearing some type of ring on his finger and it totally scraped her face during the hit . There was a long gash on Evanglina 's cheek and blood was starting to seep through . But Jake didn 't stop there . He slapped Evanglina several more times and when she fell , he began to kick her body roughly . I literally watched in horror as Jake beat Evanglina up and her mother just stood watching without lifting a finger to help her . Seriously ! She just stood there watching like her mind was somewhere else . I was on the verge of calling the police , when Jake finally stopped . " I told you that you hadn 't seen anything yet , " Jake sneered . " And if you ever talk like that to your mother again , I can do much , much worse . Keep going and you might just not be able to use those legs for a while . " He then grabbed Evanglina by the arm and pulled her up the stairs . You could hear Evanglina 's screams and shouts as he dragged her up the staircase while yelling , " Shut up or I 'll give you something to shout about ! " Then silence when her bedroom door closed loudly . Now I have to say , I am left in a position of confusion . On one hand , I am just a blogger who reports what I see and remains out of the conflicts , but what if I see something that is serious ? What then ? Do I get involved and do something about it ? Or do I watch for the situation to play out ? Well , for now , I will be keeping a close eye on the Marsens as I figure out how to approach this . Meanwhile , please feel free to forward this to anyone you think can help . Violence should never be tolerated , especially not from parents to children . And from the way things are going , Evanglina is going to need all the help she can get to get out of this situation . |
Hey Queendalers ! So if you guessed " Hawks " you guessed right ! I couldn 't resist using our loveable mascot as a code word ! Next week 's code will be a pretty easy one as well , in honor of it being my final post . But we will get to that later . Onto the post ! So since Sarah and Ricky rescued Evanglina from Jake and Henria , Ricky has been spending a lot of time with her . It 's almost as if they are trying to make up for eighteen lost years in just a month ! I spotted them Thursday afternoon hanging out at McDoogles . They had a nice lunch of burgers and fries and then played some of the arcade games . I even caught them playing a game of foosball at one of the tables in the back . Man , it has been so long since I have played that game . I used to love playing it as a kid . Evanglina then let go of the table . " No I don 't , " she said , a bit too loudly , causing people to stare . She then turned and walked out the door with Ricky following behind her . Ricky smiled . " It 's okay . I understand . I shouldn 't have pushed you . I guess I just wanted to know how you were feeling . This whole situation is - " " Crazy , " Evanglina finished . She then exhaled sharply . " I just wish she had been honest with all of us a long time ago . Then things wouldn 't be like this . I 'm just so confused and I don 't know how to feel . " " See , that 's what I don 't get , " Evanglina then said , shaking her head . " My mother lied to you . She lied to you ! She didn 't tell you that you were my father and hid it for eighteen years , and she was going to keep hiding it if Aunt Sarah didn 't find out the truth . Why aren 't you angry with her ? How can you just forgive her and want me to talk to her ? " Ricky looked at Evanglina quietly for a minute and then sighed . " I am angry , Evanglina , very , but it won 't change anything . What happened , happened and as much as I hate it , I may have been part to blame for why she lied in the first place . " " Yes , that . I didn 't deal with the situation very well ; neither of us did , and we really hurt your mother in the process . I 'm not saying all this was okay , but I do see where she might have been coming from . I think she has been carrying what happened between us for all these years . " Evanglina lifted her shoulders . " Fine . Maybe you 're right . But what about Jake ? Ever since she started dating him , she has been all about him and never about me . " " She has taken his word over mine so many times that I have lost count ! Every time I tried to tell her about something that he did to me , she would never believe me ! Every time he slapped me , cursed at me or even threatened me , she never listened . He even beat me up in front of her twice and she just watched ! " Evanglina shook her head . " All that I have gone through because of her , I can 't forgive . " " It always amazes me when you talk about it . It makes me so angry that you had to go through all that . I wish I could have been there for you . " " I 'm not trying to defend her . I 'm not even asking you to forgive her . I just think you should talk to her . Maybe she wouldn 't be hounding you so much if you told her what you just told me . " Evanglina stared at him for a moment in silence and then nodded . " Maybe you 're right , " she said . " I just don 't know if I am ready to . " After leaving McDoogles , they both head to the beach and skip some stones into the ocean . Ricky has a long arm and is able to get his stone to skip several times before it drops underwater . I have tried to do that so many times , but I can only get mine to skip twice . They then take a dip in the ocean , splashing around in the water . The sky starts to darken , but they both didn 't seem to care . I can 't help but feel happy for her . Evanglina finally has the family she has always wanted . In other news , Claude and Emilie have been spending a lot of time together . I have been seeing an awful lot of them around town . I guess with him leaving , Emilie wanted to get as much time with him as possible . The day before he left , I saw them hanging together at Marcelle Park . They stay like that for almost thirty minutes and even shared a few passionate kisses before leaving . I think it helped that the park happened to be empty that day . Not that I think either of them would have cared all that much . Claude grinned . " Especially then . I want to hear all about how things are at Columbia . I 'm so happy you got accepted . I know how much you wanted to go there . " Emilie 's cheeks reddened . " Thanks , and I am happy for you for getting into the University of Cambridge . I want to hear all about that too . " They then pull in for a kiss and spend the next few minutes doing so in the warm summer breeze . They seem almost lost in each other and I am starting to feel like a hidden third wheel . Not that I haven 't felt this way many times before . Then with a final hug and kiss , Claude took off , leaving Emilie standing in front of the gate watching after him . My heart breaks for her . I can 't imagine gaining my first boyfriend and then having him leave me to return home . Another reason why I don 't do long distance . So that makes the end of this week 's posts . I can 't believe it , but next week will be my last post as Lexie . It 's crazy how time flies . That said , keep up with your guesses , because in just a week you may just know who Lexie really is . Hey my Queendalers ! If you guessed the code word " fight , " you guessed right ! I hope you Queendale High students knew that one because if you didn 't , you need to get some school spirit ! Anyways , I am so sorry that I haven 't posted in a month . Things have been so crazy with school ending and graduation that Lexie has not had time to write ; but fear not ! Lexie is back and has some juice to share about graduation and grad night ! So as I said earlier , the night of graduation has finally arrived ! In the early evening of the wondrous day , I spotted Evanglina and Kara leaving the house to go to the City Hall auditorium . It is crazy how much people can change in a month . It feels like everyone has already matured into adults ! I thought this as I reached the city hall and saw Maria Henderson arriving in her cap and gown . She looked absolutely beautiful as she walked up the steps , just like a young woman . Time really goes by , doesn 't it ? After Maria had arrived with Josephina and her parents and went inside , more students started arriving . I happened to notice Angel as she passed by and entered the building . Her hair was tucked neatly into her cap which is the first time I have really seen her face , clearly . Is it rude for me to say she looks older than I thought she did ? I saw Claire and Adam arrive together with Claire in a snow - white dress . I was a bit confused , but then I heard that Claire had accidently misplaced her graduation gown ! Awkward ! She was going to have to walk onstage dressed out of uniform . I guess her mother had tried to make her feel better by letting her borrow one of her formal dresses , but honestly , I think it just makes it more obvious that she forgot her cap and gown . The ceremony itself , went very well . There were choir and orchestra performances and then the valedictorian , Emilie Nelson , said a few words . I was not surprised it was her , for she was the most studious student in the whole school . She even founded the Pre - Med club , something that has not been done before around here . Senior Class president was originally Abigail Best , but since she was still gone , the task was given to Claire . I do have to say it was awkward with her dressed in that white dress . I was surprised , but Claire gave a surprisingly good speech . Not as good as Emilie 's , but not bad . By the time the ceremony was over , all the seniors were pretty pumped . I also spotted Derek and Adam coming out through the doors together with him twirling his diploma in his hand . I swear he grew an inch or two from May till now ! Adam too ! A few minutes later , I saw Derek standing with Evanglina ( surprise , surprise ) . They shared a warm embrace and kiss , as they stood there together . I 'm sure Angel and Claire were not too happy about it . They have been giving her the cold shoulder all night ! I then saw Kara standing not too far off tossing her diploma as well . Ricky was standing nearby smiling along with Sarah . It sure is nice to see them all looking so happy after the whole thing with Jake and Henria . And was it just me , or does Sarah 's stomach look a little bigger than usual ? Could she possibly be eating for two ? Time will tell ! I also saw Emilie coming out of city hall as well . She was grinning from ear to ear and carrying her diploma . She looked extremely proud of herself , which I think was totally well deserved . Those last words of her speech , " No matter where we go or live or what we become , we will always be Queendale Hawks at heart , " really resonated with me , and by the way everyone was cheering , it resonated with them too . It was starting to get a bit crowded in front , until people started dispersing . Then through the crowd , I saw Maria chatting with David Maxwell ! I thought it was a bit awkward , but from what I heard , he was congratulating her and wishing her well . Something tells me that he has been talking to Adam lately . I also saw Angel watching them from the corner of her eye . I 'm telling you , if that girl could rid the world of Maria and Evanglina … A while later I spotted Claire finally emerge from the city hall doors , yes , still in her white ball gown . I am surprised that she didn 't get grief about it . The principle is pretty stringent about those kinds of things . Then again , the Maxwells have donated a lot of money to the school , so maybe the principle decided to look the other way . Thirty minutes later , the crowd started to thin out some more . I was then able to see Paul and Brian Nelson coming out of the building . He had traded his cap for a baseball one and was wearing a little smirk . " Hey seniors ! " he called out then , " Don 't forget ! Bonfire starts at the beach in thirty minutes ! " This was followed by loud cheers , which I saw many parents cover their ears to . Evanglina grinned . " Thank you . It means a lot coming from you , " she said , and then with a little wave , she heads off to Derek 's motorcycle where he was waiting for her . Wow . It is amazing how close the two of them have gotten in such a small amount of time . I caught Derek and Adam even stopping to take in the scenery . And may I say , they both looked fantastic in their bathing suits . All rock hard and chiseled . Even I 'm getting all hot and bothered ! It looked like someone brought over a portable boom box and started blaring some tunes from the speakers . I even saw an ice shaving machine ! Maria took advantage of this as I saw her walking off with a lemon ice shaving . I even happened to snag a cherry and blue raspberry flavored one without anyone noticing . Delicious ! I spotted Josephina arriving a bit later in a pair of boots . She totally had that pirate thing going on ! There was a buffet table up on the beach lookout , and it seemed both she and Adam were heading right up to it . " Kara got accepted too , " she was saying . " She also got accepted into the University of Aderson and Cleveland University , but she chose the same as me . " She laughed . " I 'd be lying if I said I wasn 't happy about it . " Emilie smiled . " That 's great ! I hear Maria and Derek are going there as well . It 's nice that you will all be together . " " Yah , but it won 't be the same without you . " Evanglina sighed . " Still , I 'm so happy you got into Columbia University . " Emilie shrugged . " I 'm not totally sure . He seems split between Alfred State and Bridgeport , but if I could place a bet , I 'd say Alfred State . I think its Kara that is making him confused , what with them now dating and everything . " Out on the deck , Adam and Josephina were still munching on the buffet food . But that wasn 't all . It would seem that Adam had a bit of an ulterior motive for eating with her . As they ate , he seemed to be asking a lot of questions about Maria and how she was doing , including , asking where she was thinking about going to school . " Trust me Adam . Talk to her , " she said , and then she left the deck . Goodness . If Adam is still after Maria after all this time , I really think that boy is head over heels . Seriously . I even feel a bit bad for him . Maria took a deep breath . " I really like NYU , but the music program at Bridgeport University is amazing . Also , I have always wanted to go to school in Bridgeport . " " I think you just need to talk to him about it . Really talk to him . Make him understand how you feel . At least then you both aren 't walking on egg shells . " They are both quiet and then laugh . " No ! " They say in unison and then walk off toward the bonfire . Here 's to wishing them both a stress - free summer . Derek and Evanglina seemed to be getting a little mushy by the fire pit while dancing to the music from the boombox . Seeing them together so happy , I can 't help but wonder if they will still be together this time next year . Then again , if they can get through everything they have been through over the past year and a half , I think they can get through anything . They just might be the couple that will someday make it down the alter . As for Adam and Maria , who knows . Things aren 't looking that great for them . Although I did happen to catch them finally speaking to each other before the party ended . Adam seemed to want to go on , but Maria didn 't seem ready . I heard her say something about meeting up later this week and then she turned and left . Adam looked crushed , but a little hopeful . Don 't worry my Queendalers , I will keep my eye on that development . Emilie and Claude were also still left chatting away with each other . It 's so strange to see Emilie with a boyfriend . She has really come out of her shell over the year . " Paul , I don 't want you to have any regrets about the school you go to . I want you to go to the one that makes you the happiest . Even if that means I won 't be there . " Kara laughed . " I 'm not like other girls . And I want you to be happy . Besides , we won 't be too far from each other . Just an hour away . " And just like the end of a chick flick rom - com movie , they shared a lip lock under the stars . Not trying to be cheesy , but it was definitely a " The Notebook " like kiss . I guess we now know where Paul will be going . Alfred State , here he comes ! Well , that ends grad night for the seniors ! Congratulations to all of you ! Go Hawks ! And to those of you still guessing my identity , you are getting very close ! Hey Queendalers ! Code word for this week , is " calendar . " I thought it was fitting considering how fast time has been flying by . In just a month , school will be out for the summer ! Life is crazy , huh ? Well I won 't waste any time with my personal rambling . Let 's get right to it ! So Henrietta was spotted at " The Maxwell " earlier this week . She was having lunch with a friend , one I can only assume was from work . Henrietta has now turned from her life as a lady of leisure and to become a receptionist at one of the local salons . And from the conversation she was having , she wasn 't too happy about it . " And that woman wouldn 't know a brush if it hit her in the face , " Henrietta was saying about a customer . " I 'm telling you Lisa , the most outrageous people show up at the salon . I don 't know how you have put up with it all these years . " Lisa rolled her eyes . " Tell me about it . I swear , some people shouldn 't even be allowed in there . I have to fix her split ends and her horribly frizzy up do , and she has the nerve to give me attitude ? They are the worst . " Henrietta nodded . " She 's even said that . Nonetheless , Luke is her real father and he wants a relationship with her . He won 't stop until he forms one . He feels like he has been robbed of a life with her . " " That and you helped get me a job after the divorce . " Henrietta sighed again . " The way Damien is going , I 'm going to end up with nothing in the divorce settlement . He 's basically making it seem like I just married him for his money . " " Didn 't you also claim you married Luke for that reason ? What made you two divorce ? Wasn 't it because he went bankrupt ? " When Henrietta gave her a dirty look , Lisa chuckled . " Okay , all right . I 'll stop . I am on your side . It 's just you are in a pretty sticky situation . " " Well , Derek seems to be leaning toward Bridgeport University , but Damien really wants him to go to his Alma Mater , University of Columbia Heights . Angel on the other hand , I don 't know . She hasn 't heard back from any of her schools yet , and she doesn 't really seem to care too much . " Henrietta looked away . " I am a bit worried about her . " Lisa grinned . " I think Angel is just trying to find herself . With everything going on with her , it 's not a surprise to me that she would be confused . I 'm sure she will figure things out in time . " " I know . And I 'll bet she knows it too . She just needs some time . " Lisa then clasped her hands together . " Now let 's order . I 'm famished . " They then turn back to their menus and begin to order . I still can 't believe Henrietta has a job . Granted , it is a job that totally suits her , but still . I never thought I would see the day that Henrietta would have to work . Karma 's a witch , isn 't it ? Speaking of Angel , I spotted her later that evening at the club owned by Damien . She was there with Claire and they seemed pretty down . I am not too surprised since they have been that way since Prom . I 'll bet it is the first time that both of them have lost the guys they were dating . They won 't stop talking about it ! Upon arriving they headed straight to the Karaoke booth and started singing ( well , screeching ) song after song . And I mean from Paula Deana 's hits to oldies , like the spice girls . It was crazy and extremely obnoxious . Not that anyone said a word . I think they all knew who Angel and Claire 's parents were . After thirty minutes had passed , the room started to empty . I think people had heard enough of their squawking and needed some peace . I even felt like I was losing my mind . " Tell me about it . " Angel flipped a strand of her hair over her shoulder . " My mom won 't stop bugging me about school , and , well … Luke . " " He 's not my dad . Well , he is , but - " Angel broke off and sighed . " I don 't know , the whole thing is kind of confusing to me right now . I 'm just not ready to talk to him yet . " " I can 't blame you . I don 't know how I would feel if I found out my dad wasn 't my real dad . I don 't know how you 've been able to deal with it . " Claire shrugged . " Hey , you were in a bad place that night . I just wish Claude had been gentleman enough to take you home . I can 't believe he just left you there like that . What a jerk . " " Ugh , that freak . " Claire rolled her eyes . " I don 't even know what he sees in her . Have you been seeing the two of them lately ? They 've been all lovey dovey and gross . " " I know ! " Angel shivered . " It 's almost as bad as Paul and Kara . I totally caught them making out in the park this week . " She makes a gagging motion with her finger and tongue . " Tell me about it . I 'd say it has been that way since the Marsens moved in last year . Not to mention when Adam started dating Maria . " " Don 't even bring that up , " Claire said shaking her head . " I have been trying to get Adam to just let her go , but he refuses to . I just hope he goes to Duke University so he can be away from her . " " Yah , but I 've decided not to go . I accepted the offer to Cleveland University instead . That said , I kind of have other plans for after graduation . What about you ? Have you gotten accepted anywhere ? " Angel looked down at her plate in silence . " No . I 've actually been rejected from all the schools I applied to . I haven 't told my mom about it , I just said that I hadn 't received all my letters yet . I don 't know how to tell her . " Angel nodded . " I know , I just don 't know how . Honestly , I don 't really think I am ready to go to college . I feel like I just want to go out and explore the world for a bit first . If I went , I wouldn 't even know what to study or anything . I just don 't think it is right for me . " " So , I talked to my mom about me taking some time off before going to Cleveland University . I managed to delay my acceptance to them for a quarter and I talked my mom into letting me go stay with my aunt in France . Maybe if you talked to your mom , you could come with me ! Can you imagine the adventures we would have in Paris ? " " Of course ! Besides , it would be fun to have you along . It was going to be a bit lonely going by myself since both of my cousins are going to a university in Barcelona . If you come with me , it could be us against Paris . " Angel grinned . " I 'll talk to my mom . And you know , she just might agree to it . It beats me siting around and looking pitiful until next year rolls around . " " I hear you . " Claire then glanced over her shoulder and seemed to finally spot Charlotte singing her rendition of " Blame It On The Weatherman , " by B * witched . " We should go . Charlotte is getting a bit carried away . " Charlotte had taken off with the song and was even hitting high notes . The audience that had left from Claire and Angel 's screeching , had returned and were cheering her on . I am sure going to miss having Charlotte around when school ends . She really has given Angel and Claire a run for their money . Well , minus them using her to break up Adam and Maria , and attempting to do the same with Evanglina and Derek . " I can 't believe Jake did all those things to you . " Derek shook his head , and cursed under his breath . " He 's disgusting . " " No argument here , " Evanglina said in agreement . " I was so relieved when Aunt Sarah showed up with Ricky . I 'm just so happy to be out of there . Things have been so much better . It was so stupid of me not to say anything . I should have listened to you . " Evanglina exhaled deeply . " I know she was probably high on those drugs Jake uses , but still . She just stood and watched ! And that 's not all . She has always chosen Jake over me . I 'm just so angry with her . " Evanglina smiled . " You have . You 've been helping me since all this started . I never had the courage to stand up to Jake before I met you . " " Mine too , " said Evanglina . She then leaned over to touch something in the car and after , music began to emit from the speakers . Ironically , it was Paula Deana 's romantic hit song , " Without You . " " Can you believe that in just a month we won 't be high schoolers anymore ? " " I know , it 's crazy . " Derek shook his head . " I used to feel like high school would never end . Now , I don 't know if I want it to . " Evanglina looked surprised when he said that . " You 're going to Bridgeport University ? I thought your dad wanted you to go to University of Columbia Heights ? " " I 'm not . I 've always wanted to go to Bridgeport University . I 've spent so much time in Queendale that it would be nice to go somewhere different for a change . " " That 's true . I 've been mostly everywhere , but the big city . It will be a nice change . " Evanglina looked upward once again . " To be honest , I 've always seen it in my future . Me graduating from a college in the city and then starting a life there . " Evanglina looked surprised . " You mean , like married ? " When Derek nodded , Evanglina grinned . " I don 't know … maybe . Life is crazy though . " " So , you don 't see it ? " Derek looked a little disappointed , and I couldn 't blame him . She kind of rejected the idea a bit . Evanglina shook her head . " I didn 't say that . I just think we 're still so young ! " She then laughed . " That said , I think that if you and I make it through our four years of college together , then yes . I can definitely see it . " It 's then that I decided to take my leave and give them a bit of privacy , but not before snapping another pic of them . They are so adorable ! I still can 't believe they were cheated from Prom King and Queen ! Although , at this point the whole school pretty much knows that Angel bribed Greg Jensen . I 'm surprised that the principle hasn 't asked her to give her crown up . He is totally the type to do that ! Not that Angel would give it up willingly . After everything she has been going through , that crown is probably her one piece of salvation ! Well , that 's it for this week . Only a few posts left , and that means only a few posts left to guess who I am . Yes , you guessed it , I am a Queendale graduate this year ! So time is running out for you , my dearies ! Keep guessing , and I will be revealing my identity in my last post ! Guess correctly and you may just get a shout out ! More soon ! ( Hey my readers ! Thank you so much for reading my story ! There are only a few posts left of Kisses , Lexie , so stay tuned ! Has anyone figured out Lexie 's identity yet ? Leave your guesses in the comments ! More soon ! 😉 ) Hey Queendalers ! If you guessed " sleeping bag " , you got it ! So this week was a slow one . With all the seniors worrying about graduation and getting all their credits , there is no trouble for drama . Well , for the most part . So , Track season has come to a close . That said , Paul has still been practicing his skills , including soccer and basketball . I spotted him practicing with Emily at the park Thursday afternoon . Let me tell you , she was not so bad herself ! She put up a good game , kicking the ball with all her might into the net . Even with all Paul 's training , she gave him quite a workout . Still , she was no match for Paul and his superb goalie skills . He blocked every single one of Emilie 's balls despite her powerful force of kicks . Somehow , I think he will do just fine at either Bridgeport University or Alfred State with soccer . Unfortunately , it started to rain forty minutes later , ruining their fun . And it was coming down pretty hard . The two of them both then packed up their things and headed out . I however , would have stuck around if I was them . There is nothing like playing soccer in the rain . I love it ! Sure , you might slip and slide along the mud , but that 's more of the fun ! Emilie and Paul weren 't the only ones having fun this week . I spotted Evanglina and Ricky driving along this weekend together . It would seem that Evanglina has finally managed to get her permit and is working with Ricky to get her license ! Better now than never ! I 'm sure you are wondering how she has been doing since the whole fiasco last weekend . Well , Evanglina is now back at school and seems to be doing better . She still has some scars on her neck and face left from Jake 's abuse , but other than that , she seems to be okay . She does seem a little quieter and more guarded than usual , but who can blame her ? I can 't imagine dealing with what she has had to deal with for the past two years or more ! At least there is now a bit of happiness for her . I also saw her at the park again , strumming on her guitar along with Maria . The two of them are really on about this starting a band thing . They have even given themselves a name , " Evarie , " by putting their names together . And trust me , they are not bad . Their performance at the Prom has sparked a lot of attention and from what I 've heard , someone has posted a video of it online on " Youbook " , the social media Queendale teens are addicted to . The video has almost 250 , 000 views which is pretty good for Queendale and the state . These girls might be going places ! Although , I was a bit surprised to see they were watching the FearNet station . Funny , they didn 't even seem that scared . I would have been terrified out of my mind ! They show the creepiest movies on there , but there were the four of them laughing while watching ! Crazy ! The night then ended with a nice soak in the hot tub out back in the Emerson 's backyard . All four of them were laughing and seeming to be having a good time . Even Evanglina seemed to be enjoying herself . Maria shook her head . " I just can 't talk to him right now . I feel like my emotions are all over the place . On one side , I am still so angry that I can 't even think straight and then on the other side , I just miss him so much . " " Don 't Eva , " Kara said shaking her head . " You had to leave . You couldn 't stay in an environment like that . It was bad for you . I mean , look what Jake did to you ! " " Your mom is hurt now , but she caused this . She shouldn 't have let Jake do all that to you . I think right now you need to focus on you . " After soaking , they started to head inside , but then Evanglina said she had a spooky story to tell . They all then gathered on the ground and she began telling them a ghost story . As she told the story , they all got so into it , that they started jerking and pulling away as if Evanglina was the one doing all the killing in the story ! The four of them then headed inside . It is amazing how so much has changed , but the four of them have still managed to be good friends . Go figure . Hey Queendalers ! So I am sure you are all wondering exactly what is going on with the Marsens since last week 's post . Well , I actually do have some news , for those of you who don 't yet know . Here we go ! So as you know , Evanglina hasn 't really been in school the past week . While everyone figured that she was just sick ( and there may have been some truth to that ) , it would seem that she was at home because Jake and Henria were keeping her there . And of course , it only got worse after Kara told Evanglina about the possibility of Ricky being her father . Since that night that Jake dragged her upstairs to her room , Evanglina has not been seen out of the house . I 'm serious ! It 's like she disappeared . Kara and Derek have tried to see her a few times , but Henria always yells at them to leave and Jake slams the door in their faces . It is pretty obvious that they are basically keeping her trapped there , something that it would seem Sarah came to notice . After almost a week had passed , she made her way over to talk to Henria . It was Thursday afternoon to be exact . Henria didn 't want to let her in , but Sarah would not take no for an answer . She pushed her way through the door and into the house . " What do you want Sarah ? " Henria said rolling her eyes . Her face looked like she hadn 't slept in days . What on Earth was she taking ? " I came to see Evanglina , " said Sarah . " Kara said she hasn 't been in school for almost two weeks . She said she came over last week and snuck in to see her , but since then you haven 't been letting anyone in . So , I decided to come over to see for myself . " Henria scoffed . " I don 't know , and I really don 't care . Whatever the case , you wasted a trip . Evanglina isn 't having any visitors , so you can just go . " " Listen Henria , " Sarah snapped . " I am not going anywhere until I see Evanglina . I don 't care if she is contagious or whatever you say . I want to see her . Now . " Henria glared at her . " Excuse me , but this is my house and Evanglina is my daughter . You can 't just barge in here and order me around ! " " No ! " Sarah yelled . " You aren 't getting rid of me this time . I want to see her . Besides , the test results come back today . " Henria 's eyes widened . " W - what ? H - how are you running a test ? I have not given you permission nor have I given you any sample of Evanglina 's DNA ! " Sarah sighed . " I just want the truth Henria , and so does Ricky . " Just as she said this , a car pulled up and then Ricky emerged from the front door . " Looks like Ricky is here , " she said . " So it wasn 't some magical DNA . She got it off Evanglina 's used latte cup , from when she took her and Kara shopping . And I received the results right before I came here . " He pauses to take a deep breath . " Henria … I 'm her father . " I honestly wonder what reaction Ricky was hoping for . Maybe shock ? Surprise ? Horror ? I don 't know , but it was not what he got . After those words left his lips , she just stood there staring at him . " And how could I ? What with you screwing my sister back at home ! You chose her over us ! So Evanglina and I had to move on with our lives ! " " What do you mean us ? I didn 't even know you were pregnant ! You left town and never told me ! I would have never abandoned Evanglina ! " It 's amazing how this has turned into a shouting match . If anyone had been jogging by or even biking , they would have been able to hear their whole conversation . It was that loud , and also , the window happened to be open . " Well , I 'm sorry , but you can 't decide that anymore , Henria , " he said finally . " Evanglina is eighteen years old now , and she 's my daughter too . So that means I have just as much right as you do . " Henria scoffed . " Oh please , you haven 't even been a part of her life . In a custody hearing you wouldn 't have any say . " " Are you kidding ? " Ricky raised his eyebrows , " If we were negotiating for custody , you would be at a serious loss ! For goodness sakes , you are engaged to a man that allegedly imports drugs ! He is on the police station 's watch list ! " Henria sighed . " Ricky just came over to tell me how he and Sarah had my daughter tested to see if he is her father . Apparently , the test came back positive for a match . " Meanwhile , Jake just laughed . " That little b * * * * ( censoring ) doesn 't deserve to be called anything other than what she is . A dirty , little rotten slut . " Only Jake didn 't take that too well . He gritted his teeth and then tackled Ricky ! The two of them then went rolling onto the floor . Henria just stood above them watching in surprise and awe . The fight went on for a while with each of them struggling against each other . There is then a loud crashing sound and I can 't tell whether it was caused by them or from something upstairs . Ricky 's face looked totally furious while Jake had that killer look in his eyes . Scary ! Finally , they both pulled apart panting . At that same time , Evanglina and Sarah emerged from upstairs . Evanglina looked horrible and terribly weak as she followed behind her . Her face was sunken like she hasn 't slept in days , and there was still a bruise on her cheek from where Jake had backhanded her ; not to mention a few on her neck . " I got her out of her room , " Sarah interrupted . " The door was locked , so I had to break in to get her out . " She gave Henria a dirty look . " She was handcuffed to her bed . " Jake smirked . " Hey , some kids need harsher punishments for the message to sink in . Evanglina happens to be one of them . Only problem , she doesn 't seem to learn her lesson , as you can see . " " How dare you ! " Ricky made a move toward Jake , but he was too quick . Jake lunged at him and then the two them go at it again ! " We aren 't ! Evanglina wants to come with us , which I think is an excellent decision considering what is happening to her here ! Also , she is eighteen years old ! She can move out ! And you forcing her to stay here against her will , is basically kidnapping ! " " You don 't have a choice ! " Sarah said , and then sighed . " Ricky and I are walking out of here with Evanglina and if you try to stop us , I will call the police . " Evanglina just took one look at Henria and the house before turning away . Henria then stood by the doorsteps and watched Sarah 's car drive away before bursting into tears . I want to feel sorry for her , but I can 't . I am just too happy that finally Evanglina is out of that chaos . As Ricky and Sarah drove off into the distance , I couldn 't help but feel extremely relieved . I had been on the verge of blowing my cover to help Evanglina out . Luckily , I didn 't have to . Maybe just maybe , things might get better for that girl . One can hope . Well , that is it for this week . The weeks are dwindling down and summer is almost on us . Also , graduation is right around the corner ! Soon high school will be behind us . Let 's have a toast to bigger and better things in life . More soon my dearies ! Hey my Queendalers ! So last week 's code was a little weird , but some of you were still able to guess it , " butterfly . " Still , some of you did struggle with it , so I will leave the code for one more week for those of you that could not guess it . Well , this week 's post is a bit jam packed , so let me get started ! First of all , I spotted Angel and Claire at Feng Shui Fusion on Friday night . They were perched on stools while enjoying plates of sushi . Claire was going on about her irritation with the events of prom night . " I cannot believe that he ditched me for Kara , " she said , shaking her head . " I mean , its Kara ! I can 't believe he left me for that piece of trash . " " You 're complaining , " Angel gave her a look , " What about Claude ? He basically made me look like some pathetic loser ! Telling me that he had no interest in me romantically ? He basically " friend - zoned " me ! " ( Oh yes he did ! It was absolutely beautiful . ) " And on top of that , he also ditched me for Emilie ! That science geek ! " Angel rolled her eyes . " So , I think I had it a bit worse than you . " " I didn 't say she didn 't . " Angel sighed . " I 'm just saying maybe you shouldn 't have fought with her at the dance . You know how strict the principle was being about fights . " " Hey , no worries , " Angel then said . " This fall we will be in college and get to be around hot college guys . We won 't have to bother ourselves with these stupid high school guys anymore . " " Well , I heard back from Bridgeport University and Duke . They apparently both accepted me . I was a bit surprised about Duke . I got an interview and I didn 't think it went well . I guess there was something about me they liked . " Claire glared at him . " I dropped her off at home on my way home from school . Besides , I uninvited her . This dinner is just for Angel and I . " Claude stared at her for a moment in silence before responding . " To what are you implying ? I don 't believe I have ever messed with you . " Claude raised his eyebrows in realization . " Oh that . I was not messing with Angel . I simply told her that she had the wrong idea about us . We were just friends , but she had mistakenly thought we were more . " " That wasn 't her fault ! You asked her to the prom ! That is asking her out ! You are the one that suddenly changed your mind and wanted to be with , Emilie . " Still Claude pays her no mind . " Look , I didn 't come to argue with you . If Charlotte is at home like you say , I will just go and see her there . " He then turns and leaves , ignoring her loud comment about him being an " asswhole , " as he walks out . I swear , sometimes I wonder if Angel or Claire have any class left in their bodies . Not that they had much to begin with . In other news , I am sure you are wondering what has been going on with Evanglina since everything on the morning after prom night . Literally everyone is wondering that . No one has really seen much of Evanglina for the past week . I don 't think she has even been at school . Maybe she was sick ? Well , I found out the true reason that Friday afternoon . Kara , who had been trying to get into the Marsen house , was finally able to do so when Jake temporarily stepped outside for a few minutes to smoke ( yes , you know what ) . Kara crept in through the back door quietly and found Evanglina cleaning the kitchen . " Hey , what 's up ? " she said , walking over to her . " I haven 't really seen much of you in the past week . Is everything okay ? " It looked like Kara wasn 't buying it either . " Are you sure ? It 's not like you to miss four whole days of school . Not even for being sick . Then again , Monday you didn 't look too good . " Evanglina sighed . " I 'm sorry , my mom 's just really angry about prom night . I slept over at Derek 's house and she is really mad about it . They both are . " " I - I don 't . I - I just don 't want any more problems right now , " Evanglina said . Her voice sounded a little strained . Kara still looked worried , but she moved on . " Well , I came to tell you something . I 've actually been trying to get a hold of you so I could talk to you about it . " " So I heard my mother talking the other day about you and Ricky . It was so weird . She was on the phone with someone and she said something about them needing to hurry with some type of test results . " Kara nodded . " Yes . She was really annoyed about it too . She said that she had asked them to put a rush on it , because Ricky needed to know sooner rather than later . It seemed really important to her . " " I thought so too , but then I started thinking about back when I was talking to Ricky and I said that you and him looked alike . Well , he told me that my mom seemed to really think so and was obsessing over it . Now , he 's been talking about it a lot too . " Kara shrugged . " I know , it sounds crazy , but I really think she believes it ! And I 'll bet that those test results are to prove it . " " Your father . And honestly ? I think Ricky does so too . " Kara then smiled . " It 's weird to think about , right ? That said , it would explain why your mom hates the fact that he is married to my mom . Especially , if she has known all this time . " " My mom probably doesn 't know . She couldn 't . That would mean that she would have kept me from him for all these years . She may have problems , but she wouldn 't do that to me . Right ? " Kara jumped . " I should go ! I don 't want to get you in anymore trouble . Call me , me okay ? And call Derek . He 's really worried about you . " She then slipped out through the back door . Okay , now here is where things got crazy . Henria , as it turns out , was at home the whole time ! She was upstairs and after Kara left , she came slowly down the stairs . Jake coughing a bit from his joint , came walking in through the front door . " I thought we told you that you weren 't allowed any friends over ! Jakes bellowed . " Wow ! You think you can just do whatever you damn well please , don 't you ? " " No I don 't ! " Evanglina cried in frustration . " I didn 't invite her over ! She just came over because she wanted to tell me that Sarah was having some test being run . Something with me and Ricky . " " It 's a lie ! " Henria snapped . " Sarah doesn 't know what she 's talking about ! She 's crazy and making things up ! " " Look at what you 're doing ! " Jake said , glaring at Evanglina . " You 're upsetting your mother ! All for the stupid lie your slut aunt is telling . What an ungrateful waste of space ! " After he says this , Evanglina stared at him for a moment in shock . " I can 't believe you said that . " She then looked at Henria . " Mom ? Aren 't you going to say something ? " Evanglina shook her head . " You know what ? I can 't take this anymore ! I have put up with all this long enough ! I thought I could handle it until graduation , but I can 't ! I have had it ! I 'm moving out ! " " RICKY IS NOT YOUR FATHER ! " Henria screamed . She was on the verge of being hysterical . " HE is not a part of our family ! HE is with Sarah ! Not us ! So just let it go ! " And like usual , just as Evanglina finished saying this , Jake stepped forward and backhanded her hard across the face . Only this time , even I could see that he left a mark . I then noticed that he was wearing some type of ring on his finger and it totally scraped her face during the hit . There was a long gash on Evanglina 's cheek and blood was starting to seep through . But Jake didn 't stop there . He slapped Evanglina several more times and when she fell , he began to kick her body roughly . I literally watched in horror as Jake beat Evanglina up and her mother just stood watching without lifting a finger to help her . Seriously ! She just stood there watching like her mind was somewhere else . I was on the verge of calling the police , when Jake finally stopped . " I told you that you hadn 't seen anything yet , " Jake sneered . " And if you ever talk like that to your mother again , I can do much , much worse . Keep going and you might just not be able to use those legs for a while . " He then grabbed Evanglina by the arm and pulled her up the stairs . You could hear Evanglina 's screams and shouts as he dragged her up the staircase while yelling , " Shut up or I 'll give you something to shout about ! " Then silence when her bedroom door closed loudly . Now I have to say , I am left in a position of confusion . On one hand , I am just a blogger who reports what I see and remains out of the conflicts , but what if I see something that is serious ? What then ? Do I get involved and do something about it ? Or do I watch for the situation to play out ? Well , for now , I will be keeping a close eye on the Marsens as I figure out how to approach this . Meanwhile , please feel free to forward this to anyone you think can help . Violence should never be tolerated , especially not from parents to children . And from the way things are going , Evanglina is going to need all the help she can get to get out of this situation . |
Hey Queendalers ! So if you guessed " Hawks " you guessed right ! I couldn 't resist using our loveable mascot as a code word ! Next week 's code will be a pretty easy one as well , in honor of it being my final post . But we will get to that later . Onto the post ! So since Sarah and Ricky rescued Evanglina from Jake and Henria , Ricky has been spending a lot of time with her . It 's almost as if they are trying to make up for eighteen lost years in just a month ! I spotted them Thursday afternoon hanging out at McDoogles . They had a nice lunch of burgers and fries and then played some of the arcade games . I even caught them playing a game of foosball at one of the tables in the back . Man , it has been so long since I have played that game . I used to love playing it as a kid . Evanglina then let go of the table . " No I don 't , " she said , a bit too loudly , causing people to stare . She then turned and walked out the door with Ricky following behind her . Ricky smiled . " It 's okay . I understand . I shouldn 't have pushed you . I guess I just wanted to know how you were feeling . This whole situation is - " " Crazy , " Evanglina finished . She then exhaled sharply . " I just wish she had been honest with all of us a long time ago . Then things wouldn 't be like this . I 'm just so confused and I don 't know how to feel . " " See , that 's what I don 't get , " Evanglina then said , shaking her head . " My mother lied to you . She lied to you ! She didn 't tell you that you were my father and hid it for eighteen years , and she was going to keep hiding it if Aunt Sarah didn 't find out the truth . Why aren 't you angry with her ? How can you just forgive her and want me to talk to her ? " Ricky looked at Evanglina quietly for a minute and then sighed . " I am angry , Evanglina , very , but it won 't change anything . What happened , happened and as much as I hate it , I may have been part to blame for why she lied in the first place . " " Yes , that . I didn 't deal with the situation very well ; neither of us did , and we really hurt your mother in the process . I 'm not saying all this was okay , but I do see where she might have been coming from . I think she has been carrying what happened between us for all these years . " Evanglina lifted her shoulders . " Fine . Maybe you 're right . But what about Jake ? Ever since she started dating him , she has been all about him and never about me . " " She has taken his word over mine so many times that I have lost count ! Every time I tried to tell her about something that he did to me , she would never believe me ! Every time he slapped me , cursed at me or even threatened me , she never listened . He even beat me up in front of her twice and she just watched ! " Evanglina shook her head . " All that I have gone through because of her , I can 't forgive . " " It always amazes me when you talk about it . It makes me so angry that you had to go through all that . I wish I could have been there for you . " " I 'm not trying to defend her . I 'm not even asking you to forgive her . I just think you should talk to her . Maybe she wouldn 't be hounding you so much if you told her what you just told me . " Evanglina stared at him for a moment in silence and then nodded . " Maybe you 're right , " she said . " I just don 't know if I am ready to . " After leaving McDoogles , they both head to the beach and skip some stones into the ocean . Ricky has a long arm and is able to get his stone to skip several times before it drops underwater . I have tried to do that so many times , but I can only get mine to skip twice . They then take a dip in the ocean , splashing around in the water . The sky starts to darken , but they both didn 't seem to care . I can 't help but feel happy for her . Evanglina finally has the family she has always wanted . In other news , Claude and Emilie have been spending a lot of time together . I have been seeing an awful lot of them around town . I guess with him leaving , Emilie wanted to get as much time with him as possible . The day before he left , I saw them hanging together at Marcelle Park . They stay like that for almost thirty minutes and even shared a few passionate kisses before leaving . I think it helped that the park happened to be empty that day . Not that I think either of them would have cared all that much . Claude grinned . " Especially then . I want to hear all about how things are at Columbia . I 'm so happy you got accepted . I know how much you wanted to go there . " Emilie 's cheeks reddened . " Thanks , and I am happy for you for getting into the University of Cambridge . I want to hear all about that too . " They then pull in for a kiss and spend the next few minutes doing so in the warm summer breeze . They seem almost lost in each other and I am starting to feel like a hidden third wheel . Not that I haven 't felt this way many times before . Then with a final hug and kiss , Claude took off , leaving Emilie standing in front of the gate watching after him . My heart breaks for her . I can 't imagine gaining my first boyfriend and then having him leave me to return home . Another reason why I don 't do long distance . So that makes the end of this week 's posts . I can 't believe it , but next week will be my last post as Lexie . It 's crazy how time flies . That said , keep up with your guesses , because in just a week you may just know who Lexie really is . Hey my Queendalers ! If you guessed the code word " fight , " you guessed right ! I hope you Queendale High students knew that one because if you didn 't , you need to get some school spirit ! Anyways , I am so sorry that I haven 't posted in a month . Things have been so crazy with school ending and graduation that Lexie has not had time to write ; but fear not ! Lexie is back and has some juice to share about graduation and grad night ! So as I said earlier , the night of graduation has finally arrived ! In the early evening of the wondrous day , I spotted Evanglina and Kara leaving the house to go to the City Hall auditorium . It is crazy how much people can change in a month . It feels like everyone has already matured into adults ! I thought this as I reached the city hall and saw Maria Henderson arriving in her cap and gown . She looked absolutely beautiful as she walked up the steps , just like a young woman . Time really goes by , doesn 't it ? After Maria had arrived with Josephina and her parents and went inside , more students started arriving . I happened to notice Angel as she passed by and entered the building . Her hair was tucked neatly into her cap which is the first time I have really seen her face , clearly . Is it rude for me to say she looks older than I thought she did ? I saw Claire and Adam arrive together with Claire in a snow - white dress . I was a bit confused , but then I heard that Claire had accidently misplaced her graduation gown ! Awkward ! She was going to have to walk onstage dressed out of uniform . I guess her mother had tried to make her feel better by letting her borrow one of her formal dresses , but honestly , I think it just makes it more obvious that she forgot her cap and gown . The ceremony itself , went very well . There were choir and orchestra performances and then the valedictorian , Emilie Nelson , said a few words . I was not surprised it was her , for she was the most studious student in the whole school . She even founded the Pre - Med club , something that has not been done before around here . Senior Class president was originally Abigail Best , but since she was still gone , the task was given to Claire . I do have to say it was awkward with her dressed in that white dress . I was surprised , but Claire gave a surprisingly good speech . Not as good as Emilie 's , but not bad . By the time the ceremony was over , all the seniors were pretty pumped . I also spotted Derek and Adam coming out through the doors together with him twirling his diploma in his hand . I swear he grew an inch or two from May till now ! Adam too ! A few minutes later , I saw Derek standing with Evanglina ( surprise , surprise ) . They shared a warm embrace and kiss , as they stood there together . I 'm sure Angel and Claire were not too happy about it . They have been giving her the cold shoulder all night ! I then saw Kara standing not too far off tossing her diploma as well . Ricky was standing nearby smiling along with Sarah . It sure is nice to see them all looking so happy after the whole thing with Jake and Henria . And was it just me , or does Sarah 's stomach look a little bigger than usual ? Could she possibly be eating for two ? Time will tell ! I also saw Emilie coming out of city hall as well . She was grinning from ear to ear and carrying her diploma . She looked extremely proud of herself , which I think was totally well deserved . Those last words of her speech , " No matter where we go or live or what we become , we will always be Queendale Hawks at heart , " really resonated with me , and by the way everyone was cheering , it resonated with them too . It was starting to get a bit crowded in front , until people started dispersing . Then through the crowd , I saw Maria chatting with David Maxwell ! I thought it was a bit awkward , but from what I heard , he was congratulating her and wishing her well . Something tells me that he has been talking to Adam lately . I also saw Angel watching them from the corner of her eye . I 'm telling you , if that girl could rid the world of Maria and Evanglina … A while later I spotted Claire finally emerge from the city hall doors , yes , still in her white ball gown . I am surprised that she didn 't get grief about it . The principle is pretty stringent about those kinds of things . Then again , the Maxwells have donated a lot of money to the school , so maybe the principle decided to look the other way . Thirty minutes later , the crowd started to thin out some more . I was then able to see Paul and Brian Nelson coming out of the building . He had traded his cap for a baseball one and was wearing a little smirk . " Hey seniors ! " he called out then , " Don 't forget ! Bonfire starts at the beach in thirty minutes ! " This was followed by loud cheers , which I saw many parents cover their ears to . Evanglina grinned . " Thank you . It means a lot coming from you , " she said , and then with a little wave , she heads off to Derek 's motorcycle where he was waiting for her . Wow . It is amazing how close the two of them have gotten in such a small amount of time . I caught Derek and Adam even stopping to take in the scenery . And may I say , they both looked fantastic in their bathing suits . All rock hard and chiseled . Even I 'm getting all hot and bothered ! It looked like someone brought over a portable boom box and started blaring some tunes from the speakers . I even saw an ice shaving machine ! Maria took advantage of this as I saw her walking off with a lemon ice shaving . I even happened to snag a cherry and blue raspberry flavored one without anyone noticing . Delicious ! I spotted Josephina arriving a bit later in a pair of boots . She totally had that pirate thing going on ! There was a buffet table up on the beach lookout , and it seemed both she and Adam were heading right up to it . " Kara got accepted too , " she was saying . " She also got accepted into the University of Aderson and Cleveland University , but she chose the same as me . " She laughed . " I 'd be lying if I said I wasn 't happy about it . " Emilie smiled . " That 's great ! I hear Maria and Derek are going there as well . It 's nice that you will all be together . " " Yah , but it won 't be the same without you . " Evanglina sighed . " Still , I 'm so happy you got into Columbia University . " Emilie shrugged . " I 'm not totally sure . He seems split between Alfred State and Bridgeport , but if I could place a bet , I 'd say Alfred State . I think its Kara that is making him confused , what with them now dating and everything . " Out on the deck , Adam and Josephina were still munching on the buffet food . But that wasn 't all . It would seem that Adam had a bit of an ulterior motive for eating with her . As they ate , he seemed to be asking a lot of questions about Maria and how she was doing , including , asking where she was thinking about going to school . " Trust me Adam . Talk to her , " she said , and then she left the deck . Goodness . If Adam is still after Maria after all this time , I really think that boy is head over heels . Seriously . I even feel a bit bad for him . Maria took a deep breath . " I really like NYU , but the music program at Bridgeport University is amazing . Also , I have always wanted to go to school in Bridgeport . " " I think you just need to talk to him about it . Really talk to him . Make him understand how you feel . At least then you both aren 't walking on egg shells . " They are both quiet and then laugh . " No ! " They say in unison and then walk off toward the bonfire . Here 's to wishing them both a stress - free summer . Derek and Evanglina seemed to be getting a little mushy by the fire pit while dancing to the music from the boombox . Seeing them together so happy , I can 't help but wonder if they will still be together this time next year . Then again , if they can get through everything they have been through over the past year and a half , I think they can get through anything . They just might be the couple that will someday make it down the alter . As for Adam and Maria , who knows . Things aren 't looking that great for them . Although I did happen to catch them finally speaking to each other before the party ended . Adam seemed to want to go on , but Maria didn 't seem ready . I heard her say something about meeting up later this week and then she turned and left . Adam looked crushed , but a little hopeful . Don 't worry my Queendalers , I will keep my eye on that development . Emilie and Claude were also still left chatting away with each other . It 's so strange to see Emilie with a boyfriend . She has really come out of her shell over the year . " Paul , I don 't want you to have any regrets about the school you go to . I want you to go to the one that makes you the happiest . Even if that means I won 't be there . " Kara laughed . " I 'm not like other girls . And I want you to be happy . Besides , we won 't be too far from each other . Just an hour away . " And just like the end of a chick flick rom - com movie , they shared a lip lock under the stars . Not trying to be cheesy , but it was definitely a " The Notebook " like kiss . I guess we now know where Paul will be going . Alfred State , here he comes ! Well , that ends grad night for the seniors ! Congratulations to all of you ! Go Hawks ! And to those of you still guessing my identity , you are getting very close ! Hey Queendalers ! Code word for this week , is " calendar . " I thought it was fitting considering how fast time has been flying by . In just a month , school will be out for the summer ! Life is crazy , huh ? Well I won 't waste any time with my personal rambling . Let 's get right to it ! So Henrietta was spotted at " The Maxwell " earlier this week . She was having lunch with a friend , one I can only assume was from work . Henrietta has now turned from her life as a lady of leisure and to become a receptionist at one of the local salons . And from the conversation she was having , she wasn 't too happy about it . " And that woman wouldn 't know a brush if it hit her in the face , " Henrietta was saying about a customer . " I 'm telling you Lisa , the most outrageous people show up at the salon . I don 't know how you have put up with it all these years . " Lisa rolled her eyes . " Tell me about it . I swear , some people shouldn 't even be allowed in there . I have to fix her split ends and her horribly frizzy up do , and she has the nerve to give me attitude ? They are the worst . " Henrietta nodded . " She 's even said that . Nonetheless , Luke is her real father and he wants a relationship with her . He won 't stop until he forms one . He feels like he has been robbed of a life with her . " " That and you helped get me a job after the divorce . " Henrietta sighed again . " The way Damien is going , I 'm going to end up with nothing in the divorce settlement . He 's basically making it seem like I just married him for his money . " " Didn 't you also claim you married Luke for that reason ? What made you two divorce ? Wasn 't it because he went bankrupt ? " When Henrietta gave her a dirty look , Lisa chuckled . " Okay , all right . I 'll stop . I am on your side . It 's just you are in a pretty sticky situation . " " Well , Derek seems to be leaning toward Bridgeport University , but Damien really wants him to go to his Alma Mater , University of Columbia Heights . Angel on the other hand , I don 't know . She hasn 't heard back from any of her schools yet , and she doesn 't really seem to care too much . " Henrietta looked away . " I am a bit worried about her . " Lisa grinned . " I think Angel is just trying to find herself . With everything going on with her , it 's not a surprise to me that she would be confused . I 'm sure she will figure things out in time . " " I know . And I 'll bet she knows it too . She just needs some time . " Lisa then clasped her hands together . " Now let 's order . I 'm famished . " They then turn back to their menus and begin to order . I still can 't believe Henrietta has a job . Granted , it is a job that totally suits her , but still . I never thought I would see the day that Henrietta would have to work . Karma 's a witch , isn 't it ? Speaking of Angel , I spotted her later that evening at the club owned by Damien . She was there with Claire and they seemed pretty down . I am not too surprised since they have been that way since Prom . I 'll bet it is the first time that both of them have lost the guys they were dating . They won 't stop talking about it ! Upon arriving they headed straight to the Karaoke booth and started singing ( well , screeching ) song after song . And I mean from Paula Deana 's hits to oldies , like the spice girls . It was crazy and extremely obnoxious . Not that anyone said a word . I think they all knew who Angel and Claire 's parents were . After thirty minutes had passed , the room started to empty . I think people had heard enough of their squawking and needed some peace . I even felt like I was losing my mind . " Tell me about it . " Angel flipped a strand of her hair over her shoulder . " My mom won 't stop bugging me about school , and , well … Luke . " " He 's not my dad . Well , he is , but - " Angel broke off and sighed . " I don 't know , the whole thing is kind of confusing to me right now . I 'm just not ready to talk to him yet . " " I can 't blame you . I don 't know how I would feel if I found out my dad wasn 't my real dad . I don 't know how you 've been able to deal with it . " Claire shrugged . " Hey , you were in a bad place that night . I just wish Claude had been gentleman enough to take you home . I can 't believe he just left you there like that . What a jerk . " " Ugh , that freak . " Claire rolled her eyes . " I don 't even know what he sees in her . Have you been seeing the two of them lately ? They 've been all lovey dovey and gross . " " I know ! " Angel shivered . " It 's almost as bad as Paul and Kara . I totally caught them making out in the park this week . " She makes a gagging motion with her finger and tongue . " Tell me about it . I 'd say it has been that way since the Marsens moved in last year . Not to mention when Adam started dating Maria . " " Don 't even bring that up , " Claire said shaking her head . " I have been trying to get Adam to just let her go , but he refuses to . I just hope he goes to Duke University so he can be away from her . " " Yah , but I 've decided not to go . I accepted the offer to Cleveland University instead . That said , I kind of have other plans for after graduation . What about you ? Have you gotten accepted anywhere ? " Angel looked down at her plate in silence . " No . I 've actually been rejected from all the schools I applied to . I haven 't told my mom about it , I just said that I hadn 't received all my letters yet . I don 't know how to tell her . " Angel nodded . " I know , I just don 't know how . Honestly , I don 't really think I am ready to go to college . I feel like I just want to go out and explore the world for a bit first . If I went , I wouldn 't even know what to study or anything . I just don 't think it is right for me . " " So , I talked to my mom about me taking some time off before going to Cleveland University . I managed to delay my acceptance to them for a quarter and I talked my mom into letting me go stay with my aunt in France . Maybe if you talked to your mom , you could come with me ! Can you imagine the adventures we would have in Paris ? " " Of course ! Besides , it would be fun to have you along . It was going to be a bit lonely going by myself since both of my cousins are going to a university in Barcelona . If you come with me , it could be us against Paris . " Angel grinned . " I 'll talk to my mom . And you know , she just might agree to it . It beats me siting around and looking pitiful until next year rolls around . " " I hear you . " Claire then glanced over her shoulder and seemed to finally spot Charlotte singing her rendition of " Blame It On The Weatherman , " by B * witched . " We should go . Charlotte is getting a bit carried away . " Charlotte had taken off with the song and was even hitting high notes . The audience that had left from Claire and Angel 's screeching , had returned and were cheering her on . I am sure going to miss having Charlotte around when school ends . She really has given Angel and Claire a run for their money . Well , minus them using her to break up Adam and Maria , and attempting to do the same with Evanglina and Derek . " I can 't believe Jake did all those things to you . " Derek shook his head , and cursed under his breath . " He 's disgusting . " " No argument here , " Evanglina said in agreement . " I was so relieved when Aunt Sarah showed up with Ricky . I 'm just so happy to be out of there . Things have been so much better . It was so stupid of me not to say anything . I should have listened to you . " Evanglina exhaled deeply . " I know she was probably high on those drugs Jake uses , but still . She just stood and watched ! And that 's not all . She has always chosen Jake over me . I 'm just so angry with her . " Evanglina smiled . " You have . You 've been helping me since all this started . I never had the courage to stand up to Jake before I met you . " " Mine too , " said Evanglina . She then leaned over to touch something in the car and after , music began to emit from the speakers . Ironically , it was Paula Deana 's romantic hit song , " Without You . " " Can you believe that in just a month we won 't be high schoolers anymore ? " " I know , it 's crazy . " Derek shook his head . " I used to feel like high school would never end . Now , I don 't know if I want it to . " Evanglina looked surprised when he said that . " You 're going to Bridgeport University ? I thought your dad wanted you to go to University of Columbia Heights ? " " I 'm not . I 've always wanted to go to Bridgeport University . I 've spent so much time in Queendale that it would be nice to go somewhere different for a change . " " That 's true . I 've been mostly everywhere , but the big city . It will be a nice change . " Evanglina looked upward once again . " To be honest , I 've always seen it in my future . Me graduating from a college in the city and then starting a life there . " Evanglina looked surprised . " You mean , like married ? " When Derek nodded , Evanglina grinned . " I don 't know … maybe . Life is crazy though . " " So , you don 't see it ? " Derek looked a little disappointed , and I couldn 't blame him . She kind of rejected the idea a bit . Evanglina shook her head . " I didn 't say that . I just think we 're still so young ! " She then laughed . " That said , I think that if you and I make it through our four years of college together , then yes . I can definitely see it . " It 's then that I decided to take my leave and give them a bit of privacy , but not before snapping another pic of them . They are so adorable ! I still can 't believe they were cheated from Prom King and Queen ! Although , at this point the whole school pretty much knows that Angel bribed Greg Jensen . I 'm surprised that the principle hasn 't asked her to give her crown up . He is totally the type to do that ! Not that Angel would give it up willingly . After everything she has been going through , that crown is probably her one piece of salvation ! Well , that 's it for this week . Only a few posts left , and that means only a few posts left to guess who I am . Yes , you guessed it , I am a Queendale graduate this year ! So time is running out for you , my dearies ! Keep guessing , and I will be revealing my identity in my last post ! Guess correctly and you may just get a shout out ! More soon ! ( Hey my readers ! Thank you so much for reading my story ! There are only a few posts left of Kisses , Lexie , so stay tuned ! Has anyone figured out Lexie 's identity yet ? Leave your guesses in the comments ! More soon ! 😉 ) Hey Queendalers ! If you guessed " sleeping bag " , you got it ! So this week was a slow one . With all the seniors worrying about graduation and getting all their credits , there is no trouble for drama . Well , for the most part . So , Track season has come to a close . That said , Paul has still been practicing his skills , including soccer and basketball . I spotted him practicing with Emily at the park Thursday afternoon . Let me tell you , she was not so bad herself ! She put up a good game , kicking the ball with all her might into the net . Even with all Paul 's training , she gave him quite a workout . Still , she was no match for Paul and his superb goalie skills . He blocked every single one of Emilie 's balls despite her powerful force of kicks . Somehow , I think he will do just fine at either Bridgeport University or Alfred State with soccer . Unfortunately , it started to rain forty minutes later , ruining their fun . And it was coming down pretty hard . The two of them both then packed up their things and headed out . I however , would have stuck around if I was them . There is nothing like playing soccer in the rain . I love it ! Sure , you might slip and slide along the mud , but that 's more of the fun ! Emilie and Paul weren 't the only ones having fun this week . I spotted Evanglina and Ricky driving along this weekend together . It would seem that Evanglina has finally managed to get her permit and is working with Ricky to get her license ! Better now than never ! I 'm sure you are wondering how she has been doing since the whole fiasco last weekend . Well , Evanglina is now back at school and seems to be doing better . She still has some scars on her neck and face left from Jake 's abuse , but other than that , she seems to be okay . She does seem a little quieter and more guarded than usual , but who can blame her ? I can 't imagine dealing with what she has had to deal with for the past two years or more ! At least there is now a bit of happiness for her . I also saw her at the park again , strumming on her guitar along with Maria . The two of them are really on about this starting a band thing . They have even given themselves a name , " Evarie , " by putting their names together . And trust me , they are not bad . Their performance at the Prom has sparked a lot of attention and from what I 've heard , someone has posted a video of it online on " Youbook " , the social media Queendale teens are addicted to . The video has almost 250 , 000 views which is pretty good for Queendale and the state . These girls might be going places ! Although , I was a bit surprised to see they were watching the FearNet station . Funny , they didn 't even seem that scared . I would have been terrified out of my mind ! They show the creepiest movies on there , but there were the four of them laughing while watching ! Crazy ! The night then ended with a nice soak in the hot tub out back in the Emerson 's backyard . All four of them were laughing and seeming to be having a good time . Even Evanglina seemed to be enjoying herself . Maria shook her head . " I just can 't talk to him right now . I feel like my emotions are all over the place . On one side , I am still so angry that I can 't even think straight and then on the other side , I just miss him so much . " " Don 't Eva , " Kara said shaking her head . " You had to leave . You couldn 't stay in an environment like that . It was bad for you . I mean , look what Jake did to you ! " " Your mom is hurt now , but she caused this . She shouldn 't have let Jake do all that to you . I think right now you need to focus on you . " After soaking , they started to head inside , but then Evanglina said she had a spooky story to tell . They all then gathered on the ground and she began telling them a ghost story . As she told the story , they all got so into it , that they started jerking and pulling away as if Evanglina was the one doing all the killing in the story ! The four of them then headed inside . It is amazing how so much has changed , but the four of them have still managed to be good friends . Go figure . Hey Queendalers ! So I am sure you are all wondering exactly what is going on with the Marsens since last week 's post . Well , I actually do have some news , for those of you who don 't yet know . Here we go ! So as you know , Evanglina hasn 't really been in school the past week . While everyone figured that she was just sick ( and there may have been some truth to that ) , it would seem that she was at home because Jake and Henria were keeping her there . And of course , it only got worse after Kara told Evanglina about the possibility of Ricky being her father . Since that night that Jake dragged her upstairs to her room , Evanglina has not been seen out of the house . I 'm serious ! It 's like she disappeared . Kara and Derek have tried to see her a few times , but Henria always yells at them to leave and Jake slams the door in their faces . It is pretty obvious that they are basically keeping her trapped there , something that it would seem Sarah came to notice . After almost a week had passed , she made her way over to talk to Henria . It was Thursday afternoon to be exact . Henria didn 't want to let her in , but Sarah would not take no for an answer . She pushed her way through the door and into the house . " What do you want Sarah ? " Henria said rolling her eyes . Her face looked like she hadn 't slept in days . What on Earth was she taking ? " I came to see Evanglina , " said Sarah . " Kara said she hasn 't been in school for almost two weeks . She said she came over last week and snuck in to see her , but since then you haven 't been letting anyone in . So , I decided to come over to see for myself . " Henria scoffed . " I don 't know , and I really don 't care . Whatever the case , you wasted a trip . Evanglina isn 't having any visitors , so you can just go . " " Listen Henria , " Sarah snapped . " I am not going anywhere until I see Evanglina . I don 't care if she is contagious or whatever you say . I want to see her . Now . " Henria glared at her . " Excuse me , but this is my house and Evanglina is my daughter . You can 't just barge in here and order me around ! " " No ! " Sarah yelled . " You aren 't getting rid of me this time . I want to see her . Besides , the test results come back today . " Henria 's eyes widened . " W - what ? H - how are you running a test ? I have not given you permission nor have I given you any sample of Evanglina 's DNA ! " Sarah sighed . " I just want the truth Henria , and so does Ricky . " Just as she said this , a car pulled up and then Ricky emerged from the front door . " Looks like Ricky is here , " she said . " So it wasn 't some magical DNA . She got it off Evanglina 's used latte cup , from when she took her and Kara shopping . And I received the results right before I came here . " He pauses to take a deep breath . " Henria … I 'm her father . " I honestly wonder what reaction Ricky was hoping for . Maybe shock ? Surprise ? Horror ? I don 't know , but it was not what he got . After those words left his lips , she just stood there staring at him . " And how could I ? What with you screwing my sister back at home ! You chose her over us ! So Evanglina and I had to move on with our lives ! " " What do you mean us ? I didn 't even know you were pregnant ! You left town and never told me ! I would have never abandoned Evanglina ! " It 's amazing how this has turned into a shouting match . If anyone had been jogging by or even biking , they would have been able to hear their whole conversation . It was that loud , and also , the window happened to be open . " Well , I 'm sorry , but you can 't decide that anymore , Henria , " he said finally . " Evanglina is eighteen years old now , and she 's my daughter too . So that means I have just as much right as you do . " Henria scoffed . " Oh please , you haven 't even been a part of her life . In a custody hearing you wouldn 't have any say . " " Are you kidding ? " Ricky raised his eyebrows , " If we were negotiating for custody , you would be at a serious loss ! For goodness sakes , you are engaged to a man that allegedly imports drugs ! He is on the police station 's watch list ! " Henria sighed . " Ricky just came over to tell me how he and Sarah had my daughter tested to see if he is her father . Apparently , the test came back positive for a match . " Meanwhile , Jake just laughed . " That little b * * * * ( censoring ) doesn 't deserve to be called anything other than what she is . A dirty , little rotten slut . " Only Jake didn 't take that too well . He gritted his teeth and then tackled Ricky ! The two of them then went rolling onto the floor . Henria just stood above them watching in surprise and awe . The fight went on for a while with each of them struggling against each other . There is then a loud crashing sound and I can 't tell whether it was caused by them or from something upstairs . Ricky 's face looked totally furious while Jake had that killer look in his eyes . Scary ! Finally , they both pulled apart panting . At that same time , Evanglina and Sarah emerged from upstairs . Evanglina looked horrible and terribly weak as she followed behind her . Her face was sunken like she hasn 't slept in days , and there was still a bruise on her cheek from where Jake had backhanded her ; not to mention a few on her neck . " I got her out of her room , " Sarah interrupted . " The door was locked , so I had to break in to get her out . " She gave Henria a dirty look . " She was handcuffed to her bed . " Jake smirked . " Hey , some kids need harsher punishments for the message to sink in . Evanglina happens to be one of them . Only problem , she doesn 't seem to learn her lesson , as you can see . " " How dare you ! " Ricky made a move toward Jake , but he was too quick . Jake lunged at him and then the two them go at it again ! " We aren 't ! Evanglina wants to come with us , which I think is an excellent decision considering what is happening to her here ! Also , she is eighteen years old ! She can move out ! And you forcing her to stay here against her will , is basically kidnapping ! " " You don 't have a choice ! " Sarah said , and then sighed . " Ricky and I are walking out of here with Evanglina and if you try to stop us , I will call the police . " Evanglina just took one look at Henria and the house before turning away . Henria then stood by the doorsteps and watched Sarah 's car drive away before bursting into tears . I want to feel sorry for her , but I can 't . I am just too happy that finally Evanglina is out of that chaos . As Ricky and Sarah drove off into the distance , I couldn 't help but feel extremely relieved . I had been on the verge of blowing my cover to help Evanglina out . Luckily , I didn 't have to . Maybe just maybe , things might get better for that girl . One can hope . Well , that is it for this week . The weeks are dwindling down and summer is almost on us . Also , graduation is right around the corner ! Soon high school will be behind us . Let 's have a toast to bigger and better things in life . More soon my dearies ! Hey my Queendalers ! So last week 's code was a little weird , but some of you were still able to guess it , " butterfly . " Still , some of you did struggle with it , so I will leave the code for one more week for those of you that could not guess it . Well , this week 's post is a bit jam packed , so let me get started ! First of all , I spotted Angel and Claire at Feng Shui Fusion on Friday night . They were perched on stools while enjoying plates of sushi . Claire was going on about her irritation with the events of prom night . " I cannot believe that he ditched me for Kara , " she said , shaking her head . " I mean , its Kara ! I can 't believe he left me for that piece of trash . " " You 're complaining , " Angel gave her a look , " What about Claude ? He basically made me look like some pathetic loser ! Telling me that he had no interest in me romantically ? He basically " friend - zoned " me ! " ( Oh yes he did ! It was absolutely beautiful . ) " And on top of that , he also ditched me for Emilie ! That science geek ! " Angel rolled her eyes . " So , I think I had it a bit worse than you . " " I didn 't say she didn 't . " Angel sighed . " I 'm just saying maybe you shouldn 't have fought with her at the dance . You know how strict the principle was being about fights . " " Hey , no worries , " Angel then said . " This fall we will be in college and get to be around hot college guys . We won 't have to bother ourselves with these stupid high school guys anymore . " " Well , I heard back from Bridgeport University and Duke . They apparently both accepted me . I was a bit surprised about Duke . I got an interview and I didn 't think it went well . I guess there was something about me they liked . " Claire glared at him . " I dropped her off at home on my way home from school . Besides , I uninvited her . This dinner is just for Angel and I . " Claude stared at her for a moment in silence before responding . " To what are you implying ? I don 't believe I have ever messed with you . " Claude raised his eyebrows in realization . " Oh that . I was not messing with Angel . I simply told her that she had the wrong idea about us . We were just friends , but she had mistakenly thought we were more . " " That wasn 't her fault ! You asked her to the prom ! That is asking her out ! You are the one that suddenly changed your mind and wanted to be with , Emilie . " Still Claude pays her no mind . " Look , I didn 't come to argue with you . If Charlotte is at home like you say , I will just go and see her there . " He then turns and leaves , ignoring her loud comment about him being an " asswhole , " as he walks out . I swear , sometimes I wonder if Angel or Claire have any class left in their bodies . Not that they had much to begin with . In other news , I am sure you are wondering what has been going on with Evanglina since everything on the morning after prom night . Literally everyone is wondering that . No one has really seen much of Evanglina for the past week . I don 't think she has even been at school . Maybe she was sick ? Well , I found out the true reason that Friday afternoon . Kara , who had been trying to get into the Marsen house , was finally able to do so when Jake temporarily stepped outside for a few minutes to smoke ( yes , you know what ) . Kara crept in through the back door quietly and found Evanglina cleaning the kitchen . " Hey , what 's up ? " she said , walking over to her . " I haven 't really seen much of you in the past week . Is everything okay ? " It looked like Kara wasn 't buying it either . " Are you sure ? It 's not like you to miss four whole days of school . Not even for being sick . Then again , Monday you didn 't look too good . " Evanglina sighed . " I 'm sorry , my mom 's just really angry about prom night . I slept over at Derek 's house and she is really mad about it . They both are . " " I - I don 't . I - I just don 't want any more problems right now , " Evanglina said . Her voice sounded a little strained . Kara still looked worried , but she moved on . " Well , I came to tell you something . I 've actually been trying to get a hold of you so I could talk to you about it . " " So I heard my mother talking the other day about you and Ricky . It was so weird . She was on the phone with someone and she said something about them needing to hurry with some type of test results . " Kara nodded . " Yes . She was really annoyed about it too . She said that she had asked them to put a rush on it , because Ricky needed to know sooner rather than later . It seemed really important to her . " " I thought so too , but then I started thinking about back when I was talking to Ricky and I said that you and him looked alike . Well , he told me that my mom seemed to really think so and was obsessing over it . Now , he 's been talking about it a lot too . " Kara shrugged . " I know , it sounds crazy , but I really think she believes it ! And I 'll bet that those test results are to prove it . " " Your father . And honestly ? I think Ricky does so too . " Kara then smiled . " It 's weird to think about , right ? That said , it would explain why your mom hates the fact that he is married to my mom . Especially , if she has known all this time . " " My mom probably doesn 't know . She couldn 't . That would mean that she would have kept me from him for all these years . She may have problems , but she wouldn 't do that to me . Right ? " Kara jumped . " I should go ! I don 't want to get you in anymore trouble . Call me , me okay ? And call Derek . He 's really worried about you . " She then slipped out through the back door . Okay , now here is where things got crazy . Henria , as it turns out , was at home the whole time ! She was upstairs and after Kara left , she came slowly down the stairs . Jake coughing a bit from his joint , came walking in through the front door . " I thought we told you that you weren 't allowed any friends over ! Jakes bellowed . " Wow ! You think you can just do whatever you damn well please , don 't you ? " " No I don 't ! " Evanglina cried in frustration . " I didn 't invite her over ! She just came over because she wanted to tell me that Sarah was having some test being run . Something with me and Ricky . " " It 's a lie ! " Henria snapped . " Sarah doesn 't know what she 's talking about ! She 's crazy and making things up ! " " Look at what you 're doing ! " Jake said , glaring at Evanglina . " You 're upsetting your mother ! All for the stupid lie your slut aunt is telling . What an ungrateful waste of space ! " After he says this , Evanglina stared at him for a moment in shock . " I can 't believe you said that . " She then looked at Henria . " Mom ? Aren 't you going to say something ? " Evanglina shook her head . " You know what ? I can 't take this anymore ! I have put up with all this long enough ! I thought I could handle it until graduation , but I can 't ! I have had it ! I 'm moving out ! " " RICKY IS NOT YOUR FATHER ! " Henria screamed . She was on the verge of being hysterical . " HE is not a part of our family ! HE is with Sarah ! Not us ! So just let it go ! " And like usual , just as Evanglina finished saying this , Jake stepped forward and backhanded her hard across the face . Only this time , even I could see that he left a mark . I then noticed that he was wearing some type of ring on his finger and it totally scraped her face during the hit . There was a long gash on Evanglina 's cheek and blood was starting to seep through . But Jake didn 't stop there . He slapped Evanglina several more times and when she fell , he began to kick her body roughly . I literally watched in horror as Jake beat Evanglina up and her mother just stood watching without lifting a finger to help her . Seriously ! She just stood there watching like her mind was somewhere else . I was on the verge of calling the police , when Jake finally stopped . " I told you that you hadn 't seen anything yet , " Jake sneered . " And if you ever talk like that to your mother again , I can do much , much worse . Keep going and you might just not be able to use those legs for a while . " He then grabbed Evanglina by the arm and pulled her up the stairs . You could hear Evanglina 's screams and shouts as he dragged her up the staircase while yelling , " Shut up or I 'll give you something to shout about ! " Then silence when her bedroom door closed loudly . Now I have to say , I am left in a position of confusion . On one hand , I am just a blogger who reports what I see and remains out of the conflicts , but what if I see something that is serious ? What then ? Do I get involved and do something about it ? Or do I watch for the situation to play out ? Well , for now , I will be keeping a close eye on the Marsens as I figure out how to approach this . Meanwhile , please feel free to forward this to anyone you think can help . Violence should never be tolerated , especially not from parents to children . And from the way things are going , Evanglina is going to need all the help she can get to get out of this situation . |
* * THIS IS A CONTEMPORARY NEW ADULT NOVEL NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THOSE UNDER 17 FOR SEXUAL CONTENT AND LANGUAGE . Teagan Harper doesn 't have much experience with guys . Her twin brothers have made sure of that . Until one night at a college party she gives them the slip , finding herself in the arms of the most amazing guy she has ever met . Now she 's on a mission to find him since she ran from his bed . And forgot to ask his name . . . Declan Sage has had control over his entire life . But that is all about to change when the girl who ran out of his bed turns his life upside down . She is about to throw that control out the window . But he 's pretty sure that 's a good thing seeing as she stole his heart . . . I thought this book was amazing . It had a realistic feel to it . I have been getting more and more into contemporary new adult books . I like a little naughtiness in my books , although I still love YA with all my heart . Amanda Heath took a situation that could have happened to anyone and wrote a story about it . I love the whole playboy falls for the good girl . I LOVE ME SOME BAD BOYS ! Had to get that out of the way : ) Amanda Heath is an Indie author everyone needs to look out for . Her story telling skills hold tons of emotion , there were times I felt like the butterflies were going to burst from my stomach when there were scenes with Declan . ( sigh ) I gave this book five stars . Even though I have no idea what an over - protective brother feels like I have friends that have them . Teagan was going through a lot and she found forbidden love along the way , it was an incredibly beautiful love story . I did have one problem , and I don 't want to give away spoilers , so here is me trying to explain it . Teagan experienced something at the end of the book , that yes , is going to make you weep . And she ended up pushing Declan away . In my mind I kept thinking why ? I had went through the same thing and I wanted my boyfriend there with me . It was confusing , but everyone reacts differently to different things . Still loved the book , and I thought it had a lot of great and creative elements in it . TEAGAN - - She is the youngest sibling of six , and also the only one with a different mother . Two of her oldest brothers are twins and completely overprotective . She ends up getting drunk at a party and making out with a boy who she didn 't know . She didn 't even know his name , and a lot are you guys are probably thinking she was a hoe are something . She was far from it , she was very sheltered , and shit happens . Like Bob Marley said : Make sure your hands are clean before you point a finger at me . She ends up falling for Mysterious man Declan . ( yummy ) DECLAN : A football playing jock , who has an award winning smile , who can stop traffic with his good looks . Makes his entrance in the book with getting a drink thrown in his face . Loved it ! He had confidence and the scenes he was in made my heart quicken . I love when characters make you feel for them , and having a very sexy guy doesn 't hurt either . " I love you . " She whispered in my ear . I get chills all over my skin and quickly look for a place we can hide away for a while . " No , you don 't , Teagan . You need to show him how much you love him . Holly wasn 't anything to fight for , but Declan is . Relationships like yours don 't come around all that often . You need to show him that you really love him and that you 're not going to make the same mistake twice . " Amanda lives in Arkansas with her husband and young daughter . When not writing she loves to read and has her Kindle permanently attached to her hand . Her debut novel , This Beautiful Thing , was released November 11 , 2012 Natalie Carmichael thought that Bryson Daniels would be her world . She planned a bright future with him , cherished four years with him , and couldn 't have been any happier , but during graduation night , all of that changes . Natalie walks in on Bryson cheating on her . One month after catching him in the act , she finally decides to make an escape by leaving for Florida . She wants to start over , have fun , and be free while also finding a way to mend her broken heart but when she meets Nolan Young , her single - life escapade doesn 't last for very long . She tries to stay clear of Nolan and his desires but it 's impossible for her . Nolan will do everything that he can to have her as his own , but will Natalie accept Nolan along with the problems of his past ? Will she let someone else into her heart that may be even worse than Bryson ? For Natalie , Nolan will be something completely new to her . And for them both , their desires will be completely hard to resist I have been falling in love with the New Adult genre . It still has the feel of YA , yet it had more excitement . Shanora Williams is very talented , even since I read her debut YA novel Helena Zane Sacred angel , I have fallen in love with her writing . Hard to Resist wasn 't any different , with love in all the chaotic places . I fell hard , and it was hard for me to resist the appeal Nolan gave off . It seems like the more this author writes the greater the story gets . Hard to Resist is a story all who have been in love will be able to relate to . To love and lose is one of the hardest things to get through , and to try and move on with someone else is even harder . What Natalie endured would have been hard on any girl her age , and I cried with her and for her . Nolan and all his playboy ways , I wanted to be the one who transformed him into a good boy ( Evil grin ) lol , no ! I really like me some bad boys . He was trying to reform himself and I respected him for his honesty . There is nothing sexier then a man who knows what he wants out of life , and telling the truth . ( Is that not a pantie dropper ) . Confidence is key with men or women , and second chances are beautiful . I gave this book five stars * * * * * as a couple I was rooting for Natalie and Nolan . I wanted them to get through any obstacle in their way . And the end of this book ! ! ! ! WOW , I screamed , thinking damn it I have to wait for book two . Is there any other way to start love ? Natalie had a crazy BFF Harper , who made the story more interesting with her wit and humor . I simply loved her character . And to have them both going through things together , it added a touch of reality . Having these characters pop out . It made me feel like I knew them . Natalie : She moved to Florida to get away from the pain , to get away from all the memories she shared with her now ex Bryson ( jackass ) . Moving in with Harper was suppose to be her fresh start . She was going to Wild out and party , it was what girls her age did . Whatever Natalie thought she was going to be doing down there was the opposite . She ended up meeting sexy ass Nolan and her plans changed . : ) ^ Good God ! Nolan : Natalie was beautiful , and everything he needed to stay away from . Love was something Nolan didn 't do . Getting screwed over before , his heart was no longer up for grabs . Natalie with all her feistiness and smart mouth intrigued Nolan making him give into the urge that was Natalie . Harper : I fudging loved her ! She was so funny and there were parts I wanted to tell her , DO IT HARPER ! I wanted to be there with them supporting her . She added the most pleasant twist in the story and I was rooting for her and Dawson also . Hidden wings was the first story in a long time that was just YA . I have been reading a lot of adult contemporary or new adult . This book was renewing , it made me realize why I fell in love with YA in the first place . I simply adored this story , there nothing like young love . Sweet and innocent . The plot line was action packed not to mention the cliffhanger at the end that has me pulling out my hair in need of book two . Sighs , that 's the life of a book junkie = ] Cameo Renae created a world that invoked the imagination , it had my mind reeling . ( having so many fine male characters is a plus in all my books ! ) It was written fabulously , and it flowed beautifully . This is a book that will have you yerning for the next and the next . After reading it you will be stalking the author ( like me 0 _ o ) for the next installment , it was that good ! I gave this book five glorious stars ★★★★★ for reasons posted above . If a book can make you addicted by the words the authors using than it deserves a high rating . CHARACTERS : ( The fun part ) Is the main character ( female ) who starts off as a nerd . With two friend only she was content in her life . Until one tragic night . Emma 's life changes forever , getting swept away to Alaska . Emma was confused , a lot . I don 't blame her they kept her in the dark . All the secrets in here are baffling . Emma 's strong and confident , which is rare in young women . I liked her character a lot . Kade : I love a man who had just the right amount of cockiness . And Kade has it , with his connection with Emma there 's something in the works . He was sexy , along with the whole male population in this book . Its every girls dream to be guarded by hunks . " Damn , you stink and you 're freakin ' ugly . Poor God must have hurt his back trying to bend and scrape the bottom of the crap barrel to create you . " It still has me cracking up ! ! ! ! I didn 't know what to think when starting this . I was wondering how it was going to get any better . the story lines are heart felt and sad , Jessica Sorensen has easily become one of my go to authors , I haven 't been disappointed yet . this book was no different , it spoke to my heart , I cried with the characters and I loved with them . Jessica knows how to take raw emotions and make her readers feel them through her words . I didn 't put this down at all , I devoured it without chewing . everyone a new book is out I seriously ask my self how does she do it , the answer is : she 's got it . All of it to be exact , with every word spoke , it mesmerized me . I give this book give stars like all her other novels I was involved in her world , I wanted to comfort the characters like they were my friends , and I fell in love as the story developed . ( No spoilers , but Lord did I ever want to die when I read the ending to this book , you say I have to wait for book two ? what ? I will be waiting for it and biting my nails . ) Callie - I loved Callie , I wanted to befriend her , I wanted to help her . She was strong and courageous , everyone should have a caring friend like her . Troubled party , and working on it . Knowing she has a problem and still trying . Not letting your past eat you alive is hard , sometimes it feels like you 're defining against the tide and you want to give up and drowned . That 's how I feel Callie is . Kayden - jock is the word that comes to mind , and why are all books fudging gorgeous ? ? Still I loved him and wanted to make mini Kayden 's . I didn 't like that he was so shallow he dated that stuck up cheerleader . His character had loaded of problems and he worked through them because his love for Callie . The power of women : ) Loved when he defended Callie , can you say Heller ? ! ? HOTNESS ! ! This is chapter two , just want to let everyone know I am still editing so things might change . Not huge changes , still there will be slight changes . With that said I hope you enjoy . No longer surrounded in darkness the light was seeping through my closed eye lids . There was someone crying quietly in the spot next to my bed . Where was I ? I cracked open my eyes and looked at the person next to me . It was Peyton . She looked up at me ; her face was tear stained and puffy . She got up and wrapped her arms around my neck . " Don 't ever scare me like that again ! Do you understand ? I didn 't know what I was going to do if I lost you ! " she choked out and the sobs became erratic . " I thought I lost you Mya , they told me they weren 't sure if you were going to wake up , they told us the car mangled you up pretty bad . I was so worried I haven 't left your side , and … . . and your mother , if you can even call her that refused to come here . " she seethed through her clinched teeth . " Thank God you put my mom as an emergency contact ' " her sobs grow louder as she hugged me as tight as she allowed herself . " Let me go get the doctor , he told me to come and get him when you woke up . " she rushed out of the room . When she walked in she was followed by a nurse and a gorgeous man in a white coat . Great Dr . Hottie to the rescue . I felt my cheeks start to blaze crimson . " Hello Amaya , welcome back . You gave everyone quit a scare there . Your head took most the blow , thankfully there was no internal bleeding , just a really nasty concussion . Nothing was broken , you were very lucky . The bruising looks bad , and there were some scraps and scratches . You will be in pain for a couple weeks , but other than that your body seems like it held up just fine . Since you were in a coma we need to observe you for the next couple of days . " he rubbed my arm absently . Then looked over at Peyton and told her to call her mother and tell her I was awake . Everything was running through my mind at hyper speed . I remember running across the street and then the car lights right before darkness took over . I had gotten ran over by a car and was in the hospital . Everything slammed back into reality before I knew it I was crying . I almost died , and I was welcoming it . What would it have been like for Peyton if I just gave up like I wanted to do ? I thought no one loved me , my mother never acted like a mother , and deep down I craved her attention , I wanted her to love me . This is why I think something is wrong with me , that no one can love me . Then right now looking at my best friend drying her eyes from the countless tears falling down her face , messing up her normally perfect makeup . I knew she loved me as does her mother . The mother I craved so much was right in front of me the whole time . They were the family I had , even if I couldn 't count on my mother , I knew I had them . I hugged Payton back , " What would I do without you Pey ? You 're my sister and I love you so much ! I 'm sorry that I worried you . " " Don 't worry babe your still here , that 's all that matters ! " She sat up and walked out the room as her phone rang . I heard her telling someone I was fine and I finally woke up but not before she lost her mind . I couldn 't wait to get out of here . I hated being in the hospital , they always make me feel like I came here to die . Worrying how I was going to take care of myself once I did get out . I wonder if Peyton would let me stay with her . When she came in she looked at me sadly , like I was a child about to cry out for their mother at any moment . What I really was going to cry about was these four dull white walls . They were so plain I felt bad for all the people who stayed here so long with nothing to look at . The bright side to this hospital was - - there was one fine doctor , I 'm sure all the ladies are in love with . " Hey - - I was wondering if I could crash at your house until I get better . There won 't be anyone at the house to take care of me . I wouldn 't ask … . but I have no one else to ask . " I sighed . " Honey what makes you think we would let you go back there , I know this is going to hurt - - but when they called your mom , she told them to call us . So - - my mom went over there to try and talk to her , but she just signed all rights over to my mom . As we speak my mom is making the guest room into your room . I know we should have talked to you about it first , I just thought you wouldn 't mind . I 'm sorry , if you do . Please tell me you 're ok with it ? " the question was out . Did I hate her for doing all this before talking to me ? The answer was so easy . " Why would I be mad at you ? You and your mom have been more to me then my mother has my entire life . You have always been my family . Thank you for being such a good friend Pey . " I started to cry I was going to have a family finally . One that cared for me , one who looked at me with love in their heart . " What about my clothes ? And all my stuff " I asked . " My mom got it all when she talked to the egg donor . She is no longer your mother ? " how could I just say ok ? I mean she 's a terrible mother , and doesn 't deserve any other kids , but she is my mother . I 'd have to forgive her , I seen no other way to . The only way you can lead a happy life is forgiveness . " She is my mother Pey , and I forgive her , even if she doesn 't love me . Maybe one day she will open her eyes , " see no repressed anger . My shrink would be ecstatic . He 'd be saying progress Amaya , progress . " I know honey , nothing 's going to change . I 'm sorry I said it like that . " All I had to do right now was concentrate on getting out of the hospital first then I could worry about what I was going to do after . I made up an excuse , telling Peyton I was tired , even though I had been sleeping for three days . Yeah , I don 't remember any of it . It felt like an hour at most . Sleeping was uneventful , no voices , just darkness , with no dreams . I kept hoping I would here the sweet clear voice I had heard when I was in a coma . But there was nothing , nothing at all . My dreams even eluded me . When I woke up I was in the room all alone , the lights had been turned down . Peyton was probably getting something to eat right now . I switched on the TV , which was in the top left hand corner of the room . There was nothing on but music videos and news , I chose music video . There was nothing ever new on the news , always something about shooting , nothing ever happy . The door opened , I didn 't look because I knew it was going to be Peyton . When she didn 't say anything I turned to her , but she wasn 't there . Where she was suppose to be was a guy , the same exact one from the diner the other night . " Ummmm …… are you lost ? Wrong room . " I narrowed my eyes in suspicion . " No I 'm in the right room , I came to see you . " said the guy with the silky smooth voice from my head . OH EM GEE ! He was the voice in my head . " Do I know you ? School maybe ? " no he was older than me . " No Amaya , I was the one who brought you to the hospital the other night when … . " he pointed at me " this all happened . " he smiled at me showing his very white and straight teeth . My pulse just shot through the roof , he was gorgeous . Hair black as night , eyes in which I could see now , were royal blue . Oh my goodness , I was going to start stuttering , he was really sexy . " Oh - - well thank you . You were at the diner right ? Sitting in the corner , I saw you there . " I stumbled like a babbling fool . " I 'm sure I wouldn 't have missed you . Matter of fact there 's no way in hell I would miss you . I go to the diner every night almost , and I have never once seen you there , but - - hey if you need to hide stupid shit I don 't care . Thanks for taking me to the hospital . " wow what the hell was wrong with me , he just saved me , who knows what could have happened if he hadn 't been there . " No problem , I 'm glad you 're getting better , it could have been a lot worse . Although , I wouldn 't have let it get worse . " " You don 't even know me . " I looked at him . " Why would you care what happened to me ? It 's not like we 're going to be friends after this , I 'm very thankful for everything , but I don 't know you . How can I just be your friend ? " " Come again ? I 'm your what ? " there was something in his eye - - something I knew , something I have seen before … . love . He was looking at me with longing in his eyes . Like I was a glass of cool lemonade on a hot summer 's day . It told me he wasn 't lying he believed what he was saying . " Ahahaha … . you expect me to fall for your cheesy pick up lines ? For all I know you 're a stalker . Have you ever heard of stranger danger ? " I started laughing so hard my head began to throb . I put my palm to my forehead and rubbed . Like it was going to make it magically disappear . He rushed over to me and pulled me into his arms . " Here give me your hand I know of a pressure point for headaches . " he grabbed my hand and started to press the skin located in between my thumb and my index finger . Slowly increasing the pressure , soon my headache began to fade a little . " Huh , it actually worked a little . " I realized I was still in his arms and his head was resting on the top of my head . " Thanks … . but … . . you can move now . I 'm going to start calling you stranger danger . Even if you 're cool bro , this is kind of weird . You got to tone it down some . At least let me get to know you . All I know is you 're gorgeous . " " Well duh - - don 't act like you don 't get it all the time . I 'm sure women line up to look at you . " I turned toward the TV . " Well can you at least tell me your name ? " I looked at him through my eye lashes . I wanted to know his name more than anything . He was beautiful . Everything about him was mouth watering . " My name is Eli , it 's nice to meet you . " he smiled at me and my heart jumped into my throat . His smile was so radiant ; I want to look at it all the time . When he smiled it was like looking into the sun , it hurt my head and I felt as if I was going to go blind . " At least it 's a start . Ok Eli , thank you for being the hero . " I was about to tell him he could leave , when the door opened . Peyton walked in and right away her cheeks flamed . Seems like someone has a crush on mystery man Eli . " No don 't leave . Amaya needs her family with her right now . I was just dropping by to see how she was doing , " He said as he walked to the door . " You don 't know who he is ? He 's the one who brought me to the hospital , " I shrugged like it was nothing . " He was at the diner with me when it happened . " I said . " Man , he 's really cute , it 's just ……… . he acted as if he knew me . " " Well maybe he 's an admirer , maybe he seen you at the diner and thought , ' Hey she 's a cute girl maybe I should talk to her , ' don 't look so shocked someone was bound to notice you . I 've always thought you were gorgeous darling ! " She said in a bad Cruella voice . This is why I love her so much , she gets me and she loves me with flaws and all . " We shall see what happens ! " We laughed loudly . " He is really cute . If it was meant to be I will see him again , " smiling I turned toward the TV . This was going to be a new start , I had a family finally , there was a hot guy crushing on me . Hopefully . Things are starting to take a turn for the better . I am going to start making life worth living . All sun shine and butterflies from here on out . After I filled out all my release papers from the hospital , we set out on our way home . It sounded weird to finally think of some place as home . The idea warmed my insides . We pulled up to the in the front of the house . Peyton helped me take my bags out of the car . We went into the house , and for some reason everything felt different , not like when I would stay the night or just swing by . This was my home now . I went up to the guest room the one they told me I could call my own . I thought to myself , I finally had a house . No more piece of shit double wide . The whole time I was in the hospital all I could think about was Eli . I never took time to think about guys , my mom was always mooning over them , so I didn 't want to get close to any . All the men in my life have been disappointing . There was no reason for me to get close to any of the men my mom brought home . They were there one day and gone the next . I didn 't know where to start , it was like staying at a nice hotel on a vacation . I hung my clothes and put my undies in the dresser . I didn 't have much so I was done with everything in ten minutes . When Peyton came on to check on me I was sitting on the bed looking out the window . I had so many questions , but there weren 't any answers to them . " No , I 'm ok . I think I got everything done , you know I didn 't have a lot to begin with . " I wasn 't aiming for bitter , even though it came out sounding like I was . " Don 't worry we can get you anything you need . My mom said we could take you shopping . It 's going to be so fun , " smiling she walked out of the room and across the hall to go into her room . I sat there on the bed the way she left me . I didn 't want them to buy me anything , and I wasn 't sure how I was going to get my point across without sounding rude . It 's enough just them taking me in . It was a lot of responsibility already to have to feed another mouth . If I was going to live here , I will be the one to get all the things I need , like clothes and shoes . All the products I wanted to use . And I am going to folk over money for rent . I need to get ready for when I had to be on my own . There was no way in hell I would stay here longer than a year . When I turned eighteen I was on my own . I always knew it was going to happen . Why change the plan now ? " Pey I need to get a job , the plan is still in action . I need to be on my own when I turn eighteen . If you want to come too its fine , but we both need to find a job . Ice cream and job hunting today , " I smile at her sour face expression . " We can just stay here , " she waved her hand around the room . " My mom wouldn 't care , she doesn 't ever want her kids to leave . " she smirked . " It might be true for you , but me ? It 's a different story . I have to go , there 's so much I want to do in life … . and plus your mom has done enough already . All my life I wanted to get out of this town , to recreate myself . No one would know me ; they wouldn 't know how my life has always been crap . I didn 't think I was ever going to have a friend like you . Now you have given me a family . I can 't thank you enough , but we are going to get jobs . " The following weeks passed on a blur . We made my room into something that reflected my personality . Not as if I cared much , material things didn 't have much value to someone who was use to the bare minimum . We both got jobs at the mall in a department store , she was on the cash register and I was a stocker . I didn 't want to be a cashier all they did was stand there , all day and push buttons . I liked being active , it made the day pass by faster . It went like this for the next two weeks . Work , school , and then home . Nothing eventful happened . After work one night Peyton asked me if I wanted to go out . We have even working a lot , I guess I owed it to her . Time to get out and have some fun , it didn 't matter to me what we did , I was just going along to make Pey happy . She informed me that we would be going to a bar in the next city over . She had a friend working the doors tonight . We were getting in their V . I . P , well - - not really V . I . P but at least we were getting in there . I didn 't know what I was going to wear I hadn 't gone shopping yet . When I went into my room there was a red and black dress on my bed . The fabric looked clingy , and it was really , really short . There was also a pair of six inch heels next to them . They were also black with red bottoms . This outfit screamed come and get me ! " Peyton I can 't wear this , it 's going to show my ass ! " I yelled at her . " Don 't be a cry baby ! This dress was made for you . All the right parts are going to be sticking out of it . " the front of the dress was so low it touched my sternum , it was also one shouldered . Leaving nothing to the imagination . " Fine but if I pop out of it I 'm going to kill you . " I had to admit when I was done getting dressed , I looked good Peyton did my hair in lose waterfall curls that fell to my waist . My makeup was simple , all neutrals colors . With red lipstick , this made my lips look full and pouty . When we got there the crowd was thin . It was ten till ten ; we walked through the door without any trouble . I noticed all eyes turned toward us . In the small crowd I seen a set of eyes I knew very well now , they were in most of my thoughts . Eli was staring at me with wide eyes . My cheeks turned red lightning fast . He looked good in his button up shirt ; it matched the color of his eyes . I made a note to myself ; it was going to be my favorite color . I turned my head away from him before my eyes gave me away . He just looked so hot . " Do you see who I see over there ? He is looking at you with hot eyes . He still isn 't looking away from you . " she booty bumped me . " Please don 't come over . " I sent a silent prayer up to the heavens . " I can 't deal with him while I 'm dressed like this . Let 's just act like we didn 't see him , ok . " I chanced a peek over my shoulder at him , there he was staring at me like we were in the diner again . " Should I just go talk to him … . . maybe ? " I walked away from Peyton even if this was weird , I told myself I was going to be more open minded and go with the flow . Well here it goes ! " What the hell do you care ? Are you my father ? No , you 're not ! I don 't even know him so leave me alone . " I started to walk away from him , but he grabbed my arm . " Wait … . . I need to talk to you . It 's important . Please ? " he let go of my arm and I felt cold . This better be good . I was really pissed off even if I wanted to wrap myself in his arms and stay like that forever . Like he read my mind he said , " Looks like you have time after all , " a hint of a smile played over his lips . He thought this was funny . Asshole . We went out the back door , which creepy enough opened up into an alley . " I didn 't ask you to leave . There is no way I can talk to you here , " his eyes pleading . How could I say no to him when he 's looking at me like he is ? " Fine where do we go then ? I just don 't want to go far , " I walked to the mouth of the alley . He followed close behind , it felt like he was breathing down my neck . We made a few turns on some streets , and we ended up at little hole in the wall café . There was only like three table , everything in here was either tan or chocolate brown . Behind the counter a stout women with bright red hair and blue rimmed glasses . " Hello , can I help you ? " a very droid voice came from her brightly painted lips . He ordered a plain black coffee … . ewe . We waited in silence for our coffee to be made . The chick with the bright ass hair was taking hella long to make two coffees with no one else in the café . My grandma drank black coffee . When our drinks were ready we went to a table in the far corner of the room . From where we sat the lady wouldn 't be able to look at us . " What do you want to talk about ? " I asked the minute we sat down . I had forgot how difficult it was sitting in a dress like this . He was making me nervous . " Shoot , " I said waiting for him to tell me the things I didn 't want to hear . My life was a disaster as it was , I really didn 't want to add to my already full plate . " Let 's start with the easiest of the topics , I have known about you all my life . " he let out his breath loudly . The easiest ? No - - it was the creepiest . " What do you mean , you have known me all your life ? " I said . " It 's exactly what I meant . I haven 't known you personally , I 've known of you . From a young age I was told you were my life , I had to protect you , to love you . My whole life has been spent training for the day I met you . " " This is too weird , stay away from me ! " I got up and headed for the door , but he was there before I could get out . Damn Peyton making me wear these death trap shoes . He pulled me into the bathroom , covering my mouth before I could scream . " Listen to me , I am to be your husband - - and I will not have you running from me and acting like a spoiled Princess . I 'm going to let you go now , but believe me I will not let you leave this restroom until I have said everything I need to , " he lifted his hand off my face and I gasped for air . " Fine hurry the hell up and explain … . . what the hell do you mean husband ? There is no way I 'm marrying a stalker like you . Are you so desperate you have to steal women for them to like you ? " I kicked him in his shin and tried running around him . " Just stop , " he said massaging his leg . " I was sent here by your father , the Chief of my people . I am meant to be your future husband . I have been trained to think about nothing but you . Our people believe there is a battle to come , it is foretold . This battle will kill all of our people , there will nothing left of our land . Your father has been taken , he knows how to time jump . Only a hand full of our people were ever able to do this . They are the gifted and we protect them . I have been sent to retrieve you , there isn 't a lot of time - - they are already on their way to make sure your fathers blood line never extends . Which means they are going to come here to kill you . We have to go . " looking at me in the eye , he was searching for an answer . " Have you took your medicine today ? There 's no way in hell my dad is any of what you said . He 's a loser who left me with a mother that never loved me . And I will never marry you , I don 't even know you , and if you haven 't noticed - - you can 't just kidnap me and tell me what I have to do . Women aren 't objects you can own , we 're not toys . I don 't trust you . And you better get your arms off me before I call the police and have you arrested . If I don 't go back to the bar Peyton will call the police , this will not go unnoticed . " " You will go back and tell your friend you are going to leave , or I will wipe her mind clean of all the memories she has of you . We can play this hard if you want , but just so you know - - there is no way out of this . You will be my wife it has be written in the stars , so even if you will not have me in heart or bed , I will have you in front of the Great Mother . " this dude fell off of his rocking chair , and hit his head hard . " You can 't just take me out of my life and … . and kidnap me . People will miss me and wonder where I am ! " I shouted hoping to get the attention of the cashier . " Look , I didn 't mean to upset you , this has been my mission for my entire life . I have dreamt of you , I could feel you in my dreams . Though my dreams did nothing for your beauty . When I seen you , walk in that shit hole dressed like you were ready to give anyone your precious body . I almost lost it and torn everyone 's eyes out for looking at you . Even if there is no love between us … . we have to do this for our people . If we do nothing they will all parish . I don 't want to force you to do this , but if you fight me any longer I will make you sleep and take you . " I should have ran . I didn 't know why I didn 't , his eyes were speaking volumes to me . There was truth in them . " Find I 'll go . If this is my only option , but I will not marry you . If it is true what you say , I will help you find my father , and he will tell me himself . And you - - will not ever , under any circumstance , ever , erase the minds of the only family I have ever had . " I sighed . " Tonight we go back into the bar and have some fun . Maybe get to know each other better . I didn 't squeeze into this dress to end the night early , and with a party pooper none the less . " I walked out of the bathroom with Eli on my heels . The lady behind the counter was staring at us like we just did something in the bathroom . Fat chance lady . Their bathroom could be use in experiments for germ infested areas . I wouldn 't pee in there much less get naked . When we got back to the bar Peyton looked at me like I just lost my virginity . Ye , with little faith . This dress was making people think the worst of me . We spent most of the night talking and drinking while Peyton danced . Every time a guy would ask me to dance , Eli was there . Telling them I was dancing with him . Even though I had refused every time , he was irritating Finally the bartender called last call , and the D . J . called the last song of the night . I gave in , Eli asked me one more time if I wanted to dance with him . I hadn 't danced all night , and I wanted to really bad . " Fine - - let 's dance honey , " I smiled up at him . I was being sarcastic but he smiled at me so angelically . I felt my heart start to race as he put his hands on my hips . " There is no way in hell we are getting married , but I can dance with you . Just this once , " I laughed . We were dancing to a slow song , it seemed to last forever . His hands skimmed my sides all the way up to my face . His hands cradled my jaw - - holding it and tilting it up . He searched my eyes , looking for an answer . His brilliant blue eyes were like water flowing , spilling over his eye lids . He was devastatingly beautiful . And he was leaning in like he was going to kiss me , never breaking eye contact . I didn 't know what to do at first , but my mind kept telling me to move my head , so I did . When his lips made contact , it was with my cheek . " I 'm sorry … . I … I … . didn 't mean to … . I 'm sorry . " he said letting his hands fall to his sides and stepping aside . I couldn 't help the stab of disappointment I felt when he moved away . What was I thinking ? It must be the alcohol making my head fuzzy . " No - - its fine I 'm just not ready for all this . I like you just fine , but I was taught men are all just going to hurt you . My mom use to date all kinds of jerks , " I told him honestly . " Hey Pey - - can you cover for me tonight ? I 'm going to be staying with Eli tonight . I mean he 's weird and all , but he is so cute right ? " I wiggled my eyebrows at her suggestively . " Are you sure , because he is kind of hot , but he is weird . " she looks at him . " Maybe his hotness over rides this though . Well - - have fun , you know I 'm going to need details tomorrow . Remember to be safe , " she winked with a half smile , grabbed her bag and heading out the door . SYNPOSIS : What if you lived in fear of yourse f ? For Mage McPherson being afraid of herself is just the no m . Thanks to that fear , be |
* * THIS IS A CONTEMPORARY NEW ADULT NOVEL NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THOSE UNDER 17 FOR SEXUAL CONTENT AND LANGUAGE . Teagan Harper doesn 't have much experience with guys . Her twin brothers have made sure of that . Until one night at a college party she gives them the slip , finding herself in the arms of the most amazing guy she has ever met . Now she 's on a mission to find him since she ran from his bed . And forgot to ask his name . . . Declan Sage has had control over his entire life . But that is all about to change when the girl who ran out of his bed turns his life upside down . She is about to throw that control out the window . But he 's pretty sure that 's a good thing seeing as she stole his heart . . . I thought this book was amazing . It had a realistic feel to it . I have been getting more and more into contemporary new adult books . I like a little naughtiness in my books , although I still love YA with all my heart . Amanda Heath took a situation that could have happened to anyone and wrote a story about it . I love the whole playboy falls for the good girl . I LOVE ME SOME BAD BOYS ! Had to get that out of the way : ) Amanda Heath is an Indie author everyone needs to look out for . Her story telling skills hold tons of emotion , there were times I felt like the butterflies were going to burst from my stomach when there were scenes with Declan . ( sigh ) I gave this book five stars . Even though I have no idea what an over - protective brother feels like I have friends that have them . Teagan was going through a lot and she found forbidden love along the way , it was an incredibly beautiful love story . I did have one problem , and I don 't want to give away spoilers , so here is me trying to explain it . Teagan experienced something at the end of the book , that yes , is going to make you weep . And she ended up pushing Declan away . In my mind I kept thinking why ? I had went through the same thing and I wanted my boyfriend there with me . It was confusing , but everyone reacts differently to different things . Still loved the book , and I thought it had a lot of great and creative elements in it . TEAGAN - - She is the youngest sibling of six , and also the only one with a different mother . Two of her oldest brothers are twins and completely overprotective . She ends up getting drunk at a party and making out with a boy who she didn 't know . She didn 't even know his name , and a lot are you guys are probably thinking she was a hoe are something . She was far from it , she was very sheltered , and shit happens . Like Bob Marley said : Make sure your hands are clean before you point a finger at me . She ends up falling for Mysterious man Declan . ( yummy ) DECLAN : A football playing jock , who has an award winning smile , who can stop traffic with his good looks . Makes his entrance in the book with getting a drink thrown in his face . Loved it ! He had confidence and the scenes he was in made my heart quicken . I love when characters make you feel for them , and having a very sexy guy doesn 't hurt either . " I love you . " She whispered in my ear . I get chills all over my skin and quickly look for a place we can hide away for a while . " No , you don 't , Teagan . You need to show him how much you love him . Holly wasn 't anything to fight for , but Declan is . Relationships like yours don 't come around all that often . You need to show him that you really love him and that you 're not going to make the same mistake twice . " Amanda lives in Arkansas with her husband and young daughter . When not writing she loves to read and has her Kindle permanently attached to her hand . Her debut novel , This Beautiful Thing , was released November 11 , 2012 Natalie Carmichael thought that Bryson Daniels would be her world . She planned a bright future with him , cherished four years with him , and couldn 't have been any happier , but during graduation night , all of that changes . Natalie walks in on Bryson cheating on her . One month after catching him in the act , she finally decides to make an escape by leaving for Florida . She wants to start over , have fun , and be free while also finding a way to mend her broken heart but when she meets Nolan Young , her single - life escapade doesn 't last for very long . She tries to stay clear of Nolan and his desires but it 's impossible for her . Nolan will do everything that he can to have her as his own , but will Natalie accept Nolan along with the problems of his past ? Will she let someone else into her heart that may be even worse than Bryson ? For Natalie , Nolan will be something completely new to her . And for them both , their desires will be completely hard to resist I have been falling in love with the New Adult genre . It still has the feel of YA , yet it had more excitement . Shanora Williams is very talented , even since I read her debut YA novel Helena Zane Sacred angel , I have fallen in love with her writing . Hard to Resist wasn 't any different , with love in all the chaotic places . I fell hard , and it was hard for me to resist the appeal Nolan gave off . It seems like the more this author writes the greater the story gets . Hard to Resist is a story all who have been in love will be able to relate to . To love and lose is one of the hardest things to get through , and to try and move on with someone else is even harder . What Natalie endured would have been hard on any girl her age , and I cried with her and for her . Nolan and all his playboy ways , I wanted to be the one who transformed him into a good boy ( Evil grin ) lol , no ! I really like me some bad boys . He was trying to reform himself and I respected him for his honesty . There is nothing sexier then a man who knows what he wants out of life , and telling the truth . ( Is that not a pantie dropper ) . Confidence is key with men or women , and second chances are beautiful . I gave this book five stars * * * * * as a couple I was rooting for Natalie and Nolan . I wanted them to get through any obstacle in their way . And the end of this book ! ! ! ! WOW , I screamed , thinking damn it I have to wait for book two . Is there any other way to start love ? Natalie had a crazy BFF Harper , who made the story more interesting with her wit and humor . I simply loved her character . And to have them both going through things together , it added a touch of reality . Having these characters pop out . It made me feel like I knew them . Natalie : She moved to Florida to get away from the pain , to get away from all the memories she shared with her now ex Bryson ( jackass ) . Moving in with Harper was suppose to be her fresh start . She was going to Wild out and party , it was what girls her age did . Whatever Natalie thought she was going to be doing down there was the opposite . She ended up meeting sexy ass Nolan and her plans changed . : ) ^ Good God ! Nolan : Natalie was beautiful , and everything he needed to stay away from . Love was something Nolan didn 't do . Getting screwed over before , his heart was no longer up for grabs . Natalie with all her feistiness and smart mouth intrigued Nolan making him give into the urge that was Natalie . Harper : I fudging loved her ! She was so funny and there were parts I wanted to tell her , DO IT HARPER ! I wanted to be there with them supporting her . She added the most pleasant twist in the story and I was rooting for her and Dawson also . Hidden wings was the first story in a long time that was just YA . I have been reading a lot of adult contemporary or new adult . This book was renewing , it made me realize why I fell in love with YA in the first place . I simply adored this story , there nothing like young love . Sweet and innocent . The plot line was action packed not to mention the cliffhanger at the end that has me pulling out my hair in need of book two . Sighs , that 's the life of a book junkie = ] Cameo Renae created a world that invoked the imagination , it had my mind reeling . ( having so many fine male characters is a plus in all my books ! ) It was written fabulously , and it flowed beautifully . This is a book that will have you yerning for the next and the next . After reading it you will be stalking the author ( like me 0 _ o ) for the next installment , it was that good ! I gave this book five glorious stars ★★★★★ for reasons posted above . If a book can make you addicted by the words the authors using than it deserves a high rating . CHARACTERS : ( The fun part ) Is the main character ( female ) who starts off as a nerd . With two friend only she was content in her life . Until one tragic night . Emma 's life changes forever , getting swept away to Alaska . Emma was confused , a lot . I don 't blame her they kept her in the dark . All the secrets in here are baffling . Emma 's strong and confident , which is rare in young women . I liked her character a lot . Kade : I love a man who had just the right amount of cockiness . And Kade has it , with his connection with Emma there 's something in the works . He was sexy , along with the whole male population in this book . Its every girls dream to be guarded by hunks . " Damn , you stink and you 're freakin ' ugly . Poor God must have hurt his back trying to bend and scrape the bottom of the crap barrel to create you . " It still has me cracking up ! ! ! ! I didn 't know what to think when starting this . I was wondering how it was going to get any better . the story lines are heart felt and sad , Jessica Sorensen has easily become one of my go to authors , I haven 't been disappointed yet . this book was no different , it spoke to my heart , I cried with the characters and I loved with them . Jessica knows how to take raw emotions and make her readers feel them through her words . I didn 't put this down at all , I devoured it without chewing . everyone a new book is out I seriously ask my self how does she do it , the answer is : she 's got it . All of it to be exact , with every word spoke , it mesmerized me . I give this book give stars like all her other novels I was involved in her world , I wanted to comfort the characters like they were my friends , and I fell in love as the story developed . ( No spoilers , but Lord did I ever want to die when I read the ending to this book , you say I have to wait for book two ? what ? I will be waiting for it and biting my nails . ) Callie - I loved Callie , I wanted to befriend her , I wanted to help her . She was strong and courageous , everyone should have a caring friend like her . Troubled party , and working on it . Knowing she has a problem and still trying . Not letting your past eat you alive is hard , sometimes it feels like you 're defining against the tide and you want to give up and drowned . That 's how I feel Callie is . Kayden - jock is the word that comes to mind , and why are all books fudging gorgeous ? ? Still I loved him and wanted to make mini Kayden 's . I didn 't like that he was so shallow he dated that stuck up cheerleader . His character had loaded of problems and he worked through them because his love for Callie . The power of women : ) Loved when he defended Callie , can you say Heller ? ! ? HOTNESS ! ! This is chapter two , just want to let everyone know I am still editing so things might change . Not huge changes , still there will be slight changes . With that said I hope you enjoy . No longer surrounded in darkness the light was seeping through my closed eye lids . There was someone crying quietly in the spot next to my bed . Where was I ? I cracked open my eyes and looked at the person next to me . It was Peyton . She looked up at me ; her face was tear stained and puffy . She got up and wrapped her arms around my neck . " Don 't ever scare me like that again ! Do you understand ? I didn 't know what I was going to do if I lost you ! " she choked out and the sobs became erratic . " I thought I lost you Mya , they told me they weren 't sure if you were going to wake up , they told us the car mangled you up pretty bad . I was so worried I haven 't left your side , and … . . and your mother , if you can even call her that refused to come here . " she seethed through her clinched teeth . " Thank God you put my mom as an emergency contact ' " her sobs grow louder as she hugged me as tight as she allowed herself . " Let me go get the doctor , he told me to come and get him when you woke up . " she rushed out of the room . When she walked in she was followed by a nurse and a gorgeous man in a white coat . Great Dr . Hottie to the rescue . I felt my cheeks start to blaze crimson . " Hello Amaya , welcome back . You gave everyone quit a scare there . Your head took most the blow , thankfully there was no internal bleeding , just a really nasty concussion . Nothing was broken , you were very lucky . The bruising looks bad , and there were some scraps and scratches . You will be in pain for a couple weeks , but other than that your body seems like it held up just fine . Since you were in a coma we need to observe you for the next couple of days . " he rubbed my arm absently . Then looked over at Peyton and told her to call her mother and tell her I was awake . Everything was running through my mind at hyper speed . I remember running across the street and then the car lights right before darkness took over . I had gotten ran over by a car and was in the hospital . Everything slammed back into reality before I knew it I was crying . I almost died , and I was welcoming it . What would it have been like for Peyton if I just gave up like I wanted to do ? I thought no one loved me , my mother never acted like a mother , and deep down I craved her attention , I wanted her to love me . This is why I think something is wrong with me , that no one can love me . Then right now looking at my best friend drying her eyes from the countless tears falling down her face , messing up her normally perfect makeup . I knew she loved me as does her mother . The mother I craved so much was right in front of me the whole time . They were the family I had , even if I couldn 't count on my mother , I knew I had them . I hugged Payton back , " What would I do without you Pey ? You 're my sister and I love you so much ! I 'm sorry that I worried you . " " Don 't worry babe your still here , that 's all that matters ! " She sat up and walked out the room as her phone rang . I heard her telling someone I was fine and I finally woke up but not before she lost her mind . I couldn 't wait to get out of here . I hated being in the hospital , they always make me feel like I came here to die . Worrying how I was going to take care of myself once I did get out . I wonder if Peyton would let me stay with her . When she came in she looked at me sadly , like I was a child about to cry out for their mother at any moment . What I really was going to cry about was these four dull white walls . They were so plain I felt bad for all the people who stayed here so long with nothing to look at . The bright side to this hospital was - - there was one fine doctor , I 'm sure all the ladies are in love with . " Hey - - I was wondering if I could crash at your house until I get better . There won 't be anyone at the house to take care of me . I wouldn 't ask … . but I have no one else to ask . " I sighed . " Honey what makes you think we would let you go back there , I know this is going to hurt - - but when they called your mom , she told them to call us . So - - my mom went over there to try and talk to her , but she just signed all rights over to my mom . As we speak my mom is making the guest room into your room . I know we should have talked to you about it first , I just thought you wouldn 't mind . I 'm sorry , if you do . Please tell me you 're ok with it ? " the question was out . Did I hate her for doing all this before talking to me ? The answer was so easy . " Why would I be mad at you ? You and your mom have been more to me then my mother has my entire life . You have always been my family . Thank you for being such a good friend Pey . " I started to cry I was going to have a family finally . One that cared for me , one who looked at me with love in their heart . " What about my clothes ? And all my stuff " I asked . " My mom got it all when she talked to the egg donor . She is no longer your mother ? " how could I just say ok ? I mean she 's a terrible mother , and doesn 't deserve any other kids , but she is my mother . I 'd have to forgive her , I seen no other way to . The only way you can lead a happy life is forgiveness . " She is my mother Pey , and I forgive her , even if she doesn 't love me . Maybe one day she will open her eyes , " see no repressed anger . My shrink would be ecstatic . He 'd be saying progress Amaya , progress . " I know honey , nothing 's going to change . I 'm sorry I said it like that . " All I had to do right now was concentrate on getting out of the hospital first then I could worry about what I was going to do after . I made up an excuse , telling Peyton I was tired , even though I had been sleeping for three days . Yeah , I don 't remember any of it . It felt like an hour at most . Sleeping was uneventful , no voices , just darkness , with no dreams . I kept hoping I would here the sweet clear voice I had heard when I was in a coma . But there was nothing , nothing at all . My dreams even eluded me . When I woke up I was in the room all alone , the lights had been turned down . Peyton was probably getting something to eat right now . I switched on the TV , which was in the top left hand corner of the room . There was nothing on but music videos and news , I chose music video . There was nothing ever new on the news , always something about shooting , nothing ever happy . The door opened , I didn 't look because I knew it was going to be Peyton . When she didn 't say anything I turned to her , but she wasn 't there . Where she was suppose to be was a guy , the same exact one from the diner the other night . " Ummmm …… are you lost ? Wrong room . " I narrowed my eyes in suspicion . " No I 'm in the right room , I came to see you . " said the guy with the silky smooth voice from my head . OH EM GEE ! He was the voice in my head . " Do I know you ? School maybe ? " no he was older than me . " No Amaya , I was the one who brought you to the hospital the other night when … . " he pointed at me " this all happened . " he smiled at me showing his very white and straight teeth . My pulse just shot through the roof , he was gorgeous . Hair black as night , eyes in which I could see now , were royal blue . Oh my goodness , I was going to start stuttering , he was really sexy . " Oh - - well thank you . You were at the diner right ? Sitting in the corner , I saw you there . " I stumbled like a babbling fool . " I 'm sure I wouldn 't have missed you . Matter of fact there 's no way in hell I would miss you . I go to the diner every night almost , and I have never once seen you there , but - - hey if you need to hide stupid shit I don 't care . Thanks for taking me to the hospital . " wow what the hell was wrong with me , he just saved me , who knows what could have happened if he hadn 't been there . " No problem , I 'm glad you 're getting better , it could have been a lot worse . Although , I wouldn 't have let it get worse . " " You don 't even know me . " I looked at him . " Why would you care what happened to me ? It 's not like we 're going to be friends after this , I 'm very thankful for everything , but I don 't know you . How can I just be your friend ? " " Come again ? I 'm your what ? " there was something in his eye - - something I knew , something I have seen before … . love . He was looking at me with longing in his eyes . Like I was a glass of cool lemonade on a hot summer 's day . It told me he wasn 't lying he believed what he was saying . " Ahahaha … . you expect me to fall for your cheesy pick up lines ? For all I know you 're a stalker . Have you ever heard of stranger danger ? " I started laughing so hard my head began to throb . I put my palm to my forehead and rubbed . Like it was going to make it magically disappear . He rushed over to me and pulled me into his arms . " Here give me your hand I know of a pressure point for headaches . " he grabbed my hand and started to press the skin located in between my thumb and my index finger . Slowly increasing the pressure , soon my headache began to fade a little . " Huh , it actually worked a little . " I realized I was still in his arms and his head was resting on the top of my head . " Thanks … . but … . . you can move now . I 'm going to start calling you stranger danger . Even if you 're cool bro , this is kind of weird . You got to tone it down some . At least let me get to know you . All I know is you 're gorgeous . " " Well duh - - don 't act like you don 't get it all the time . I 'm sure women line up to look at you . " I turned toward the TV . " Well can you at least tell me your name ? " I looked at him through my eye lashes . I wanted to know his name more than anything . He was beautiful . Everything about him was mouth watering . " My name is Eli , it 's nice to meet you . " he smiled at me and my heart jumped into my throat . His smile was so radiant ; I want to look at it all the time . When he smiled it was like looking into the sun , it hurt my head and I felt as if I was going to go blind . " At least it 's a start . Ok Eli , thank you for being the hero . " I was about to tell him he could leave , when the door opened . Peyton walked in and right away her cheeks flamed . Seems like someone has a crush on mystery man Eli . " No don 't leave . Amaya needs her family with her right now . I was just dropping by to see how she was doing , " He said as he walked to the door . " You don 't know who he is ? He 's the one who brought me to the hospital , " I shrugged like it was nothing . " He was at the diner with me when it happened . " I said . " Man , he 's really cute , it 's just ……… . he acted as if he knew me . " " Well maybe he 's an admirer , maybe he seen you at the diner and thought , ' Hey she 's a cute girl maybe I should talk to her , ' don 't look so shocked someone was bound to notice you . I 've always thought you were gorgeous darling ! " She said in a bad Cruella voice . This is why I love her so much , she gets me and she loves me with flaws and all . " We shall see what happens ! " We laughed loudly . " He is really cute . If it was meant to be I will see him again , " smiling I turned toward the TV . This was going to be a new start , I had a family finally , there was a hot guy crushing on me . Hopefully . Things are starting to take a turn for the better . I am going to start making life worth living . All sun shine and butterflies from here on out . After I filled out all my release papers from the hospital , we set out on our way home . It sounded weird to finally think of some place as home . The idea warmed my insides . We pulled up to the in the front of the house . Peyton helped me take my bags out of the car . We went into the house , and for some reason everything felt different , not like when I would stay the night or just swing by . This was my home now . I went up to the guest room the one they told me I could call my own . I thought to myself , I finally had a house . No more piece of shit double wide . The whole time I was in the hospital all I could think about was Eli . I never took time to think about guys , my mom was always mooning over them , so I didn 't want to get close to any . All the men in my life have been disappointing . There was no reason for me to get close to any of the men my mom brought home . They were there one day and gone the next . I didn 't know where to start , it was like staying at a nice hotel on a vacation . I hung my clothes and put my undies in the dresser . I didn 't have much so I was done with everything in ten minutes . When Peyton came on to check on me I was sitting on the bed looking out the window . I had so many questions , but there weren 't any answers to them . " No , I 'm ok . I think I got everything done , you know I didn 't have a lot to begin with . " I wasn 't aiming for bitter , even though it came out sounding like I was . " Don 't worry we can get you anything you need . My mom said we could take you shopping . It 's going to be so fun , " smiling she walked out of the room and across the hall to go into her room . I sat there on the bed the way she left me . I didn 't want them to buy me anything , and I wasn 't sure how I was going to get my point across without sounding rude . It 's enough just them taking me in . It was a lot of responsibility already to have to feed another mouth . If I was going to live here , I will be the one to get all the things I need , like clothes and shoes . All the products I wanted to use . And I am going to folk over money for rent . I need to get ready for when I had to be on my own . There was no way in hell I would stay here longer than a year . When I turned eighteen I was on my own . I always knew it was going to happen . Why change the plan now ? " Pey I need to get a job , the plan is still in action . I need to be on my own when I turn eighteen . If you want to come too its fine , but we both need to find a job . Ice cream and job hunting today , " I smile at her sour face expression . " We can just stay here , " she waved her hand around the room . " My mom wouldn 't care , she doesn 't ever want her kids to leave . " she smirked . " It might be true for you , but me ? It 's a different story . I have to go , there 's so much I want to do in life … . and plus your mom has done enough already . All my life I wanted to get out of this town , to recreate myself . No one would know me ; they wouldn 't know how my life has always been crap . I didn 't think I was ever going to have a friend like you . Now you have given me a family . I can 't thank you enough , but we are going to get jobs . " The following weeks passed on a blur . We made my room into something that reflected my personality . Not as if I cared much , material things didn 't have much value to someone who was use to the bare minimum . We both got jobs at the mall in a department store , she was on the cash register and I was a stocker . I didn 't want to be a cashier all they did was stand there , all day and push buttons . I liked being active , it made the day pass by faster . It went like this for the next two weeks . Work , school , and then home . Nothing eventful happened . After work one night Peyton asked me if I wanted to go out . We have even working a lot , I guess I owed it to her . Time to get out and have some fun , it didn 't matter to me what we did , I was just going along to make Pey happy . She informed me that we would be going to a bar in the next city over . She had a friend working the doors tonight . We were getting in their V . I . P , well - - not really V . I . P but at least we were getting in there . I didn 't know what I was going to wear I hadn 't gone shopping yet . When I went into my room there was a red and black dress on my bed . The fabric looked clingy , and it was really , really short . There was also a pair of six inch heels next to them . They were also black with red bottoms . This outfit screamed come and get me ! " Peyton I can 't wear this , it 's going to show my ass ! " I yelled at her . " Don 't be a cry baby ! This dress was made for you . All the right parts are going to be sticking out of it . " the front of the dress was so low it touched my sternum , it was also one shouldered . Leaving nothing to the imagination . " Fine but if I pop out of it I 'm going to kill you . " I had to admit when I was done getting dressed , I looked good Peyton did my hair in lose waterfall curls that fell to my waist . My makeup was simple , all neutrals colors . With red lipstick , this made my lips look full and pouty . When we got there the crowd was thin . It was ten till ten ; we walked through the door without any trouble . I noticed all eyes turned toward us . In the small crowd I seen a set of eyes I knew very well now , they were in most of my thoughts . Eli was staring at me with wide eyes . My cheeks turned red lightning fast . He looked good in his button up shirt ; it matched the color of his eyes . I made a note to myself ; it was going to be my favorite color . I turned my head away from him before my eyes gave me away . He just looked so hot . " Do you see who I see over there ? He is looking at you with hot eyes . He still isn 't looking away from you . " she booty bumped me . " Please don 't come over . " I sent a silent prayer up to the heavens . " I can 't deal with him while I 'm dressed like this . Let 's just act like we didn 't see him , ok . " I chanced a peek over my shoulder at him , there he was staring at me like we were in the diner again . " Should I just go talk to him … . . maybe ? " I walked away from Peyton even if this was weird , I told myself I was going to be more open minded and go with the flow . Well here it goes ! " What the hell do you care ? Are you my father ? No , you 're not ! I don 't even know him so leave me alone . " I started to walk away from him , but he grabbed my arm . " Wait … . . I need to talk to you . It 's important . Please ? " he let go of my arm and I felt cold . This better be good . I was really pissed off even if I wanted to wrap myself in his arms and stay like that forever . Like he read my mind he said , " Looks like you have time after all , " a hint of a smile played over his lips . He thought this was funny . Asshole . We went out the back door , which creepy enough opened up into an alley . " I didn 't ask you to leave . There is no way I can talk to you here , " his eyes pleading . How could I say no to him when he 's looking at me like he is ? " Fine where do we go then ? I just don 't want to go far , " I walked to the mouth of the alley . He followed close behind , it felt like he was breathing down my neck . We made a few turns on some streets , and we ended up at little hole in the wall café . There was only like three table , everything in here was either tan or chocolate brown . Behind the counter a stout women with bright red hair and blue rimmed glasses . " Hello , can I help you ? " a very droid voice came from her brightly painted lips . He ordered a plain black coffee … . ewe . We waited in silence for our coffee to be made . The chick with the bright ass hair was taking hella long to make two coffees with no one else in the café . My grandma drank black coffee . When our drinks were ready we went to a table in the far corner of the room . From where we sat the lady wouldn 't be able to look at us . " What do you want to talk about ? " I asked the minute we sat down . I had forgot how difficult it was sitting in a dress like this . He was making me nervous . " Shoot , " I said waiting for him to tell me the things I didn 't want to hear . My life was a disaster as it was , I really didn 't want to add to my already full plate . " Let 's start with the easiest of the topics , I have known about you all my life . " he let out his breath loudly . The easiest ? No - - it was the creepiest . " What do you mean , you have known me all your life ? " I said . " It 's exactly what I meant . I haven 't known you personally , I 've known of you . From a young age I was told you were my life , I had to protect you , to love you . My whole life has been spent training for the day I met you . " " This is too weird , stay away from me ! " I got up and headed for the door , but he was there before I could get out . Damn Peyton making me wear these death trap shoes . He pulled me into the bathroom , covering my mouth before I could scream . " Listen to me , I am to be your husband - - and I will not have you running from me and acting like a spoiled Princess . I 'm going to let you go now , but believe me I will not let you leave this restroom until I have said everything I need to , " he lifted his hand off my face and I gasped for air . " Fine hurry the hell up and explain … . . what the hell do you mean husband ? There is no way I 'm marrying a stalker like you . Are you so desperate you have to steal women for them to like you ? " I kicked him in his shin and tried running around him . " Just stop , " he said massaging his leg . " I was sent here by your father , the Chief of my people . I am meant to be your future husband . I have been trained to think about nothing but you . Our people believe there is a battle to come , it is foretold . This battle will kill all of our people , there will nothing left of our land . Your father has been taken , he knows how to time jump . Only a hand full of our people were ever able to do this . They are the gifted and we protect them . I have been sent to retrieve you , there isn 't a lot of time - - they are already on their way to make sure your fathers blood line never extends . Which means they are going to come here to kill you . We have to go . " looking at me in the eye , he was searching for an answer . " Have you took your medicine today ? There 's no way in hell my dad is any of what you said . He 's a loser who left me with a mother that never loved me . And I will never marry you , I don 't even know you , and if you haven 't noticed - - you can 't just kidnap me and tell me what I have to do . Women aren 't objects you can own , we 're not toys . I don 't trust you . And you better get your arms off me before I call the police and have you arrested . If I don 't go back to the bar Peyton will call the police , this will not go unnoticed . " " You will go back and tell your friend you are going to leave , or I will wipe her mind clean of all the memories she has of you . We can play this hard if you want , but just so you know - - there is no way out of this . You will be my wife it has be written in the stars , so even if you will not have me in heart or bed , I will have you in front of the Great Mother . " this dude fell off of his rocking chair , and hit his head hard . " You can 't just take me out of my life and … . and kidnap me . People will miss me and wonder where I am ! " I shouted hoping to get the attention of the cashier . " Look , I didn 't mean to upset you , this has been my mission for my entire life . I have dreamt of you , I could feel you in my dreams . Though my dreams did nothing for your beauty . When I seen you , walk in that shit hole dressed like you were ready to give anyone your precious body . I almost lost it and torn everyone 's eyes out for looking at you . Even if there is no love between us … . we have to do this for our people . If we do nothing they will all parish . I don 't want to force you to do this , but if you fight me any longer I will make you sleep and take you . " I should have ran . I didn 't know why I didn 't , his eyes were speaking volumes to me . There was truth in them . " Find I 'll go . If this is my only option , but I will not marry you . If it is true what you say , I will help you find my father , and he will tell me himself . And you - - will not ever , under any circumstance , ever , erase the minds of the only family I have ever had . " I sighed . " Tonight we go back into the bar and have some fun . Maybe get to know each other better . I didn 't squeeze into this dress to end the night early , and with a party pooper none the less . " I walked out of the bathroom with Eli on my heels . The lady behind the counter was staring at us like we just did something in the bathroom . Fat chance lady . Their bathroom could be use in experiments for germ infested areas . I wouldn 't pee in there much less get naked . When we got back to the bar Peyton looked at me like I just lost my virginity . Ye , with little faith . This dress was making people think the worst of me . We spent most of the night talking and drinking while Peyton danced . Every time a guy would ask me to dance , Eli was there . Telling them I was dancing with him . Even though I had refused every time , he was irritating Finally the bartender called last call , and the D . J . called the last song of the night . I gave in , Eli asked me one more time if I wanted to dance with him . I hadn 't danced all night , and I wanted to really bad . " Fine - - let 's dance honey , " I smiled up at him . I was being sarcastic but he smiled at me so angelically . I felt my heart start to race as he put his hands on my hips . " There is no way in hell we are getting married , but I can dance with you . Just this once , " I laughed . We were dancing to a slow song , it seemed to last forever . His hands skimmed my sides all the way up to my face . His hands cradled my jaw - - holding it and tilting it up . He searched my eyes , looking for an answer . His brilliant blue eyes were like water flowing , spilling over his eye lids . He was devastatingly beautiful . And he was leaning in like he was going to kiss me , never breaking eye contact . I didn 't know what to do at first , but my mind kept telling me to move my head , so I did . When his lips made contact , it was with my cheek . " I 'm sorry … . I … I … . didn 't mean to … . I 'm sorry . " he said letting his hands fall to his sides and stepping aside . I couldn 't help the stab of disappointment I felt when he moved away . What was I thinking ? It must be the alcohol making my head fuzzy . " No - - its fine I 'm just not ready for all this . I like you just fine , but I was taught men are all just going to hurt you . My mom use to date all kinds of jerks , " I told him honestly . " Hey Pey - - can you cover for me tonight ? I 'm going to be staying with Eli tonight . I mean he 's weird and all , but he is so cute right ? " I wiggled my eyebrows at her suggestively . " Are you sure , because he is kind of hot , but he is weird . " she looks at him . " Maybe his hotness over rides this though . Well - - have fun , you know I 'm going to need details tomorrow . Remember to be safe , " she winked with a half smile , grabbed her bag and heading out the door . SYNPOSIS : What if you lived in fear of yourse f ? For Mage McPherson being afraid of herself is just the no m . Thanks to that fear , be |
During this , my first year in the Bay Area , not only did I buy my Harley and do some road trips on it , but I had also started a tai chi class . I found a wonderful class for Quang Ping tai chi , which is Yang style ( more of a fighting style ) , taught by David Pounds in Willow Glen park . It was really nice going to the park every Saturday for instruction outside in the fresh air . My first week , he taught me the warm up stretches , and the first move of the " set " . The tai chi set consists of 64 moves and each week I would get one new move to practice during the week . The set would take about a year to learn and another year or longer to fully refine it . Once a student learns the set to the teacher 's satisfaction , they are ready for Kung Fu training . I loved watching other students there that were practicing Kung Fu , Tai Chi sword , Tai Chi staff , etc . , because it gave me previews into what I would hopefully be learning some time in the future . Every day I practiced so that the next Saturday David would see the improvement and show me the next move . Sometimes he would show me things that looked impossible and I just KNEW I wouldn 't be able to do it . He would break it down for me and within a few minutes , I was doing it , and it was very exciting and fulfilling for me . My tai chi practice always happened daily amongst everything else I did . I had also found a dive shop to dive with , and they had a club . . . called Santa Clara Dive Club or something like that . I joined the club and we would go diving in Monterey on the weekends . It was a fun group of people , and since we had to get down to Monterey early , I would do my tai chi practice there on the beach once I got there . It was such a wonderful place and way to do tai chi . Some time during the Summer of 2000 , I noticed my right foot looked and felt like it had a splinter . A number of times , I took a pin and tweezers , and did my best to get the splinter out , but after a few times with no success , I finally went to the doctor . He took a look and told me it was a Plantar 's wart . He suggested I just get the Plantar 's Wart pads from Compound W and see if they work . He did warn me that often the don 't work , since the skin on the foot is so tough , so I had an appointment to go back in a month to check progress . It was not good . . . in that one month , I had sprouted 5 new Plantar 's Warts , so the doctor suggested I have surgery to remove them . We scheduled the surgery and a week or so later I was back in his office . He had me lay on the examination table face down and nurse put her arms over my legs and put all her weight on me so that , as the doctor injected the nerves near the Plantar 's Warts with anesthesia , I wouldn 't kick him or make any sudden moves . As the needle went in and hit the nerve each time I felt the pain , but I would not react . I just kept breathing very deeply , relaxed , let my body go limp , and let my mind go blank . After the 2nd or 3rd shot , the nurse removed her hands and the doctor panicked a little bit asking what she was doing . She explained that she could tell I was meditating or something , because I wasn 't moving . . . there was no reason for her to hold my legs down . The doctor finished the last shots of anesthesia without the nurse holding me down and I didn 't flinch . He then went on to cut the warts out , making sure he got the roots , then he cauterized the skin so that I wouldn 't bleed . When he finished all 6 , he wrapped it up in bandages , gave me a prescription for Vicadin , which I filled on the way home , and I went home to put my foot up and wait for the anesthesia to wear off and the pain to come . After an hour or so , I didn 't feel any pain , but I took a Vicadin anyway , just in case . That just put me to sleep , so if there was any pain to be felt , I didn 't know it . The main instructions for the next couple weeks were to keep my foot dry and soak it a couple times each day . . . I think in Epsom Salts . So , when I was at the dive shop helping with classes , I used my dry suit instead of a wet suit . And , when I had to ride the Sportster up to Corte Madera for scheduled service , I packed a " tub " and salts in my tail bag so I could soak my foot while waiting for my bike to be done . While I was at the dealership , I soaked my foot at the tables they had out front . Part way through my soak , a couple guys on Harleys pulled in and went in the dealership . As they walked by me , the first one stopped and introduced himself as Mike . We talked for a minute , then when the second one came up , Mike introduced him as his brother John . John and I talked for a while , then he went in for minute , then came back out to talk to me . He told me Sean Penn was inside and they were both looking at patches and stickers . He had said to Sean , " Hey Sean , what do you think of this one ? " And Sean gave him his opinion and they continued comparing notes on patches and stickers . After a few minutes a short guy with dirty blonde hair walked out and as he walked by us , he told John to take it easy . Sure enough , it was Sean Penn ! ! He got on his Sportster and took off . . . I never realized how short he was ! ! LOL ! John was a good looking Italian guy , with that very direct and sincere way of communicating that most Italians seem to have . He mentioned to me that he , his brother Mike , their cousins and friends , were all going to Street Vibrations in a couple weeks and I should go with them . I told him thanks for the invite , I would think about it . We exchanged numbers and met up a couple times in the next couple weeks , and he and the friends I met seemed to be okay , so I decided to go with them . The only thing was that they had all planned this and they were taking Friday off from work and going as a group . I didn 't have enough time to plan it and give notice at work , so I couldn 't take Friday off . I just packed up the bike , rode to work and left immediately after work . I don 't even remember how I got there . I think I just memorized what freeways to take so that I didn 't have to stop and look at a map all the time . On the way , it got dark pretty quick , and it also got very cold going over the mountain passes . I ran into alot of rain , and ended up stopping at a gas station where there were alot of other bikers on their way to Street Vibrations . I hung out there for about a half hour and when it didn 't seem like it was going to stop any time soon , I decided to leave and just get to Reno sooner than later , wet or not . I don 't remember what hotel they were staying at , but I do remember pulling into the parking garage , looking for a parking spot and being amazed at how every spot had at least two motorcycles in it . There were no cars in the whole garage . I was really in awe at how many bikes were there . Once I got parked and was off the bike , I called John 's cell phone using my cell , and he told me where he and his group were and I went to find them . I don 't really remember too much about any events that weekend , but I DO remember one of the days we did a poker run , which was a run to some of the brothels around town . We stopped , talked to some of the girls , then headed out to the next one , until we were done . It was really interesting talking to the girls . They were so matter of fact about everything . There was also some sort of parade in a small town that we visited . . . maybe this was old Carson City or something like that ? The other thing I remember about the weekend was on the way home . We all left on Sunday bundled up under our leathers because it was early and chilly . As we went over the pass , we were all VERY cold , and once we got over the pass and it started warming up , we stopped to warm up some out of the wind from riding . . . and we left our engines running so we could use the heat of the engines to warm up to . John warming his hands on my bike 's engine . I spent 4th of July with Rick and Nadine , and as is typical for Seattle , it was cloudy , but thankfully not too rainy . It was nice to have a day off the bike , and have them drive me around in the warm car , after spending so much time being cold on the bike . I had always wanted to go to the Jimi Hendrix museum there , so we went . The building itself was pretty cool . . . it was purple and had no definition to it , it was just a blob of purple . Whoever the architect was , did a great job , presenting museum goers with a psychedelic experience just walking up to the museum . Once inside , I realized I could spend a week there . There was so much memorabilia , so many videos , exhibits , pictures . . . I did my best to soak in as much in as I could . I hope someday to get back to it and experience it again . The next day , Thursday , July 5th , I rode back down I - 5 to Portland , Oregon , where I met up with my old friend Mark . . . remember Mark , who helped me with my bike and pranked me with the sparks flying out of his hand , and I pranked him back with the magnetic nose piercing ? Mark and I met up when I rolled into town , and he showed me the new house he recently bought . We went for a bite to eat , we spent some time relaxing at his house , then as planned , he allowed me to crash in his guest room . The next morning , Friday , July 6th , we went out for breakfast and I was on my way again . As I left town , I made a quick stop at Langlitz Leathers , where I had my first set of leathers custom made . I still have the pants , but sold the jacket many years ago . The owner , Tom , remembered me , and it was nice talking to him . Whenever I 'm in Portland , I love to visit Langlitz Leathers . It 's like taking a trip back in time . . . it 's like a shop from the 40s or 50s , and the women working on the leather are right there in the shop , sewing away . It 's really a cool place . When I left there , I went to the scuba shop I used to go to , and Travis was there . He worked there when I lived in Vancouver before , and he and I got to be friends and did a couple dives together . We caught up for a minute then I was on my way again . I rode out to Bend , OR , where I had stayed in 1999 , when I left to go back to NJ . I think because I had said goodbye to Keith there , it will always be a special place for me . I grabbed a bite to eat and stayed the night in Bend . Saturday , July 7 , I rode down the 97 and turned off to visit Crater Lake . If you don 't know about Crater Lake , it 's beautiful . It is a lake that was formed when a volcano imploded . It just collects rain water , there are no tributaries that flow into it , feeding it . . . therefore the water doesn 't move much and there is very little silt , so the reflection of the sky in the lake is very pure . It was a little chilly there , compared to everywhere else , about 60 degrees , but I was still warm enough . I walked around the lake admiring the beauty , stopped in the gift shop to walk around and stretch , then got back on the bike to start heading towards home . I made it to Susanville , CA that night , then Sunday morning , I left for the last leg of my trip , back to San Jose . I was feeling good about making the trip . . . the difficulties I experienced , and overcame , the friends I got to see along the way , and the strangers I met and befriended , even if only for a few minutes . I wasn 't sure if I was happy to be going home or not . I was really enjoying the freedom of being on the road and going where I wanted to go . I also somehow felt more confident . . . I figured if I could make that road trip and deal with the issues I had without freaking out , I could handle just about anything that comes my way . I was somehow changed after that road trip . Stronger , calmer , things just didn 't bother me much after that trip . When I got back to work on Monday and told everyone about my week , they all thought I was crazy , but to me it was just what I do , it wasn 't crazy at all . It wasn 't until many years later , thinking back , on it , that I realized that yeah . . . it really was pretty crazy . But I wanted to do it , and I didn 't really know any better , so I just dealt with the hand I got along the way . Also , many years later , I would look back at a little notebook I kept on this trip . I kept starting and ending mileage each day , and made some sparse notes about things that happened . When I looked at this notebook many years later , I realized I had traveled close to 2000 miles in that one week . My starting mileage at the beginning of the trip was just a little over 3000 miles . I hadn 't ridden many miles on the Nighthawk when I had it , and I realized that in that one week , I had probably traveled more than half as many miles as I had under my belt on a motorcycle up to that point . Yeah . . . crazy . But , I 'm pretty stubborn and when I want to do something , I do it and I make it work , one way or another ! ! Posted by Theo and I would ride together on occasional local rides , and he happily dated other women . It seemed that he really didn 't date , but went from relationship to relationship . He often showed interest in me , but depending on the situation I told him I either wasn 't interested in going out with a guy who already has a girlfriend , or I told him that he just broke up with a girl , he needs to spend a few months single before I 'll go out with him . None of the gals he dated rode motorcycles , and he really wanted to do a road trip to Yosemite , so he invited me . I told him I would love to go , as I 'd obviously never been there , having grown up in NJ and only been in CA for less than a year . However , I reminded him that I wasn 't interested in a relationship , so if we did the trip , we could share a room , but with separate beds . He agreed , so we planned it . He had been there many times , but I had not , so I packed some maps so I could keep track of how we got there and have an idea of where we were . On the way there , we stopped along the side of the road to take a picture of a row of waterfalls in the distance . Theo arranged for us to stay in a quaint little cabin at a place where he stayed before , and we had separate beds as discussed . We got there Friday night , hiked Saturday and rode back on Sunday . Our hike Saturday was really beautiful . It was the first time I 'd been able to get out and hike through a " real " forest with redwoods . While we were on our hike , we heard water , but there was a chain link fence separating us from wherever the sound was coming from . . . . so we climbed the fence . We hiked towards the sound of water and found a raging river . We sat beside it , and had some snacks and water that we had packed in backpacks . On the way back home Sunday , we stopped at a gas station for gas and to hydrate , and I was curious as to how we were going home . Theo would not tell me . He got very adamant about knowing the way , and there was no reason for me to know . I laughed and told him I just wanted to compare it with my maps , which I had unfolded over the seat of the bike . He got pretty angry , stormed off to his motorcycle , and took off . I calmly walked out to the middle of the street and watched him go , so that if he expected me to run after him , he would know that I wasn 't . I then calmly walked back to my own bike , checked out the maps to figure out how to get back home , got on my bike , and make my way home . I didn 't hear from Theo for about 2 years , when I bumped into him in Hollister . He was very apologetic and wanted to buy me lunch . I asked him why he was sorry because quite honestly , I forgot about the incident and him . When he reminded me , I just laughed . It was no big deal to me , I got myself home and found out who he really was . You see . . . in my mind , if bikers leave together , they go home together , no matter what happens . He obviously didn 't subscribe to that way of thinking . A few months later I went on a similar road trip with a guy who was originally from Pennsylvania . Only this time , we went to the historic train and film town of Jamestown . He also got pissed off at me and left me at a gas station . He at least turned around and came back to ride home with me . I honestly think in both cases , even though I was very clear about it just being a friendship , that both men were pissed off that they didn 't win me over that weekend . That summer . . . Summer of 2000 , when I only owned my Sportster for a couple of months , I decided to take a road trip to Seattle from my home in San Jose , to visit my friend Rick and his wife Nadine in Snohomish , WA . I asked a couple of my friends to go with me , but it was too far for them . . . so I decided to go solo . That year 4th of July fell on a Wednesday and the company I worked for gave us Monday and Tuesday off , along with Wednesday . I took Thursday and Friday off to make a full week . I took my time getting ready and packing Saturday morning , so I didn 't leave until about 1 : 00pm . I stopped every hour or two to get gas and rest , and I made it to Redding , CA by about 6 : 00pm . I had a bite to eat then went into a hotel to get a room for the night . They were sold out , so I tried a couple others . I found out that all hotels in Redding were sold out so I asked if one of them could make a reservation for me somewhere further north . They tried , but soon found out that all hotels were sold out all the way north past Meford , OR . It seems that I wasn 't the only one who decided to go on vacation over the long 4th of July week . I thought about what to do . . . I could head back home and probably be home by about 11 : 00pm , or could keep going and hope to find a place to sleep for the night . I figured hotels would be sold out no matter when I left , so decided to keep heading north . As I rode , I went higher in altitude and the sun went down , so it got pretty cold . I left San Jose with shorts and a tank top on under my leathers , and as the evening went on , I stopped and put on long johns that I had packed , as well as thermal shirts and as many layers as I could fit under my leathers . . . and I was still cold . . . and tired . I stopped every half hour so that I could drink hot coffee , eat donuts , and be inside a warm building . It was getting harder and harder to stay awake and be at a reasonable temperature . Through it all , I remember being grateful I was on my own . . . I was really happy to not have to deal with someone else wining about wanting to go back home , or stop more frequently , or any other number of things they could wine about . At one of my stops in Yreka , I ended up talking to a lady working at a mini - mart . She told me in her younger days she had a great career at Hewlett - Packard . She met her now husband and they married . He was in the restaurant business , so she became a waitress to help with the business . Even though they lived in Yreka , his restaurant was in Sacramento and he commuted back and forth . He was killed in Sacramento and she stayed in Yreka working as a waitress , cashier and whatever she needed to do to make money to raise their children . She said she and her children live in a trailer , and they leave the door open all day for the dog to go in and out . . . she has nothing worth stealing . Throughout the night , I talked to various people and listened to their stories and told them some of mine . Finally about 3 : 00am , I stopped at a little general store and gas station in Wolf Creek , OR . While I was trying to get warm inside , I talked to the cashier who was a man , and his name was Royal . His son was there as well , and he told me his son was 15 today , July 2 . He was there helping to clean up the store . I figured Royal must be an okay guy if he has a son . . . he probably wouldn 't do anything that would get him in trouble and lose his son , so I relaxed more and talked with him . He told me they own a Honda Rebel 250 and he and his son take turns riding it . It has a charging problem so they sometimes have to jump start it from a car battery , which they did , at 3 : 00am when his son took off on it to go home . I told Royal my situation , and that hotel desk clerks wouldn 't even let me sleep on the floor of their lobby for just a half hour and I was dead tired . He scratched his chin and slowly said , " Well , if you really don 't mind sleeping on the floor , I can offer you the floor of a brand new storage building we just had built . I 'm the only one with a key , it 's heated , and there 's a big window on the front , so people can see in if anything were to happen . You should be safe in there . " It 's not something I normally would do , but he really seemed like a stand up guy . . . and I was really not in good condition to get on the bike and keep riding , after already riding for 13 hours , so I took him up on it . I offered him some money or to buy him a cup of coffee but he refused . He said , he isn 't really going out of his way or doing anything that requires payment . . . just unlocking a door for me . So , I took the tail bag off my Sportster and brought it into the building to use as a pillow for my head . I kept my leathers on , because even though the building was heated , the floor was concrete so very cold . I laid down on the concrete floor , put my head on the tail bag , and slept for a couple hours , in between the ring of the bThe storage building I slept in , with my Sportster next to it . About 6 : 00am , the gas station was getting busier and the sun was coming up , so I got up , started the bike and took off , heading north again . I really didn 't sleep all that well , so after riding for a few hours , I pulled off the road about 10 : 00am . The sky had been cloudy all morning and it was still cold , but I hit a sunny area , so I pulled into a parking lot , parked the bike and laid down on it to rest and warm up . I had my head on the tank and my feet up on the tail bag . I actually got a nice little nap and warmed up nicely . I took off again , and quickly got cold again as the sun disappeared behind clouds . I pushed on , hoping to make it to Seattle , but as I got closer to Portland , it started raining . I had rain gear with me , but decided to just stop in Portland . I checked in at a Holiday Inn , making sure they had a hot tub . I then , went to my room , unpacked , put my bathing suit on , and soaked in the hot tub for literally an hour . Once I was nice an warm , I went back up to the room , ordered room service , ate , went to sleep and didn 't wake up until the next morning . I was grateful that it rained and I had to stop to sleep for the day . The next day , July 3 , 2000 , I went to Andy and Bax in downtown Portland to get some Polar Max and put it on for my ride to Seattle , in the rain pretty much the whole way . I made it Rick and Nadine 's late in the day and they had Gumbo for dinner . . . it was so good and warmed me up perfectly . I started work at my new job as Assistant Controller in Santa Clara , CA in the beginning of January , 2000 . It was the first desk job I had in a long time and I was quite bored doing work in the office , and having to work 8 : 00am to 5 : 00pm every day . I had gotten used to the life of a software consultant , having a varied schedule , sometimes having no clients to go to , and other times working til midnight or later to get projects done . But , I decided it was time for me to have a more settled work life so that I could enjoy doing fun activities on my weekends . I decided I would fulfill my dream of owning a Harley Davidson motorcycle , and visited the Harley Davidson dealerships in the area . I went to dealerships in San Jose , Redwood City and San Francisco . I also rented motorcycles from a local motorcycle rental shop that was less expensive than the dealerships . First , I rented a Sportster 883 , and after about an hour on it , I realized I would need something with more power . The next weekend , I rented a Sportster 1200 , and I liked the power of it , as well as the way it felt . I then took time to research the details of the Sportster models . . . . there was a Standard Sportster , then there was the Custom and the Sport . I found out that Dudley Perkins Harley Davidson in San Francisco had a Sportser 1200 Sport available to test ride , so I went up and took it out . The hills in San Francisco are a bit challenging for any rider , but were especially so for me , since I didn 't have much riding experience at all , and certainly not recently . I ended up losing my balance in a turn on a hill and dropped the bike . A car behind me noticed , stopped and helped me pick up the bike , thankfully . I then spent some time using my spit to rub off the marks where it had skid on the pavement . It didn 't get hurt too badly , so I thought if I got ride of the marks , the dealership wouldn 't know . I rode the bike around a little bit longer then made my way back to Dudley Perkins . I told them I enjoyed the ride and thanked them . When I returned home , my phone rang and it was the sales guy from Dudley Perkins asking me if I was okay . I said yes , and asked him why he was asking . He said they noticed there were some scratches on it after I brought it back and they wanted to make sure I was okay . I told them I was , and I apologized for crashing the bike and not telling them . I told them I didn 't think there was noticeable damage , so I didn 't say anything . They were very cool and said it was all okay , as long as I was okay , it was all fine . The next weekend I went into the San Jose Harley dealer to check out what was available on the floor . My brother had always like purple on his motorcycles . When he restored his 1979 Sportster , he had it painted purple , and he later bought a 1973 Electraglide that was also purple . So , I decided I wanted a purple 2000 Sportster Sport , but the San Jose dealership didn 't have one . I called around to other dealerships but no one had one in purple . Since San Jose was the closest dealership , I went ahead and ordered one from them . The only problem was , it wasn 't supposed to get there until April . I wasn 't sure I wanted to wait that long , but I was excited so went ahead and ordered it . I also kept visiting the shops to see if anyone got any new Sportser Sports in stock . I would talk about my " Harley on the way " to anyone who would listen , as if I was an expectant mother , and at one point at a party I was telling a guy named Theo about it . He said he used to ride when he lived in Switzerland , then brought his motorcycle to Cupertino where he now lived . He had a bad crash , and still had the crashed motorcycle , but he didn 't ride anymore . He said talking to me , and hearing my enthusiasm for riding was making him think he needed to start riding again . I told him about renting motorcycles and he said he would check into it . He did look into it , rented a couple Harleys and took me for rides on the back . He was a really nice guy and very fit . . . I think he was in the gym every day of the week . I wasn 't really interested in him as anymore than friends though , as he really went a bit overboard with energy , he was 15 years older than me , and really after the heartache I experienced with Keith less than a year ago , I was not ready to even think about a relationship . I told him I thought of him as just a friend , and wasn 't interested in more , and he said he understood and it was okay , but he still tried so hard and I think he hoped he could change my mind . A few weeks after meeting Theo , I found out about a " special " that Golden Gate Harley Davidson in Corte Madera was having on their Sportsters . I don 't remember specifics , but it was quite a bit less than what San Jose Harley was charging , plus they were throwing in a credit to cover new pipes and the necessary carb re - jetting . It sounded like a good deal so I called to make sure I had the details right , let them run my credit to make sure I 'd be approved for financing , and called San Jose Harley to cancel my order . Golden Gate did not have any Sportster Sports in purple but that was okay , because I was re - thinking it anyway , and I thought I 'd really prefer black . Golden Gate had a black Sportster Sport in black on the floor , so I asked Theo if he would be able to drive me up to pick up my new bike . He said he could , so on a Saturday , Theo On the way up , I explained to Theo that due to the recommended break - in , I wouldn 't be riding any faster than 55 / 60MPH , and would probably even be varying the speed so might even be riding slower than that sometimes . Because of this , I asked him to keep an eye on me and make sure he could see me at all times . He would be leading in his truck , since I was new to the area and didn 't know how to get home . . . and because I would be on a motorcycle , I would have no way to keep looking at a map . We made it to the dealership , checked out the black one , I completed and signed paperwork , got the keys and walked out with my new Harley Davidson Sportster Sport 1200XLS . It was about 6 : 30pm and we had a long drive ahead of us , so we decided to get something to eat before heading home . After we ate , I gave all of my things to Theo to carry in his truck . . . the paperwork for the bike , my wallet and my cell phone . I knew he would always be right there if I needed anything so I didn 't worry about it . I donned my leathers that I had custom made at Langlitz Leathers of Portland , OR , while I lived in Vancouver , WA and we were on our way . I remember going down the 880 , watching Theo 's truck ahead of me , passing people and getting quite a few cars ahead of me . I was getting a bit annoyed because I couldn 't tell where he was in all of the taillights and I was pretty sure he didn 't know where I was . I did my best to just let it go , because at least from this point , I knew my way home , and I figured we would just end up meeting by my apartment . Unfortunately , around Hayward , the " Check Engine " light came on . I rode for a little bit , hoping to see Theo , catch him and let him know I needed to pull over , but after a few minutes I was afraid to keep riding in case it was something serious . I knew it would be covered under warranty , but I also figured if I kept riding and caused more serious damage , it most likely wouldn 't be covered . I decided to pull off to the side of the road , and I hoped that Theo would realize I wasn 't behind him and would turn around to find me . This was about 8 : 00pm and it was already very dark outside , so pulling off to the side , with the bike off and no lights , in black leathers , I was pretty much invisible . There was nothing around for me to walk to , and even if there was , I had no money on me to make a phone call or do anything to reach anyone . So , I just stayed by the bike . . . and waited . After about an hour , I noticed a cop down the road that had a car pulled over . I walked over and let him know my situation . He called it in and told me a flat bed would be coming for me . I walked back to the bike and waited about another hour . A couple in a pickup truck stopped , thankfully , and they said they have Harleys , and have a ramp in their truck , so could get me and my bike back to their house where I could call Theo . I thanked them profusely , and was very grateful for their help . Just as we got the bike loaded up , the flatbed pulled up , but I told him I was okay and he could go . When we got back to their house , I called Theo 's cell . Thankfully he had an easy and memorable phone number . Otherwise , I wouldn 't have even been able to call him . When I got him on the phone , he said that at one point he realized I wasn 't behind him , didn 't know when he lost me , so just went to my apartment , thinking I would show up eventually . I wasn 't angry , I didn 't yell , I just figured this was another person in the world who was on some other plane of existence , wasn 't reliable , and I just decided it wasn 't worth my energy getting mad at him . I live and learn about people as I go . . . While we waited for Theo , the guy did some diagnostics on the bike , found out the battery was pretty dead , so said he would charge it up for me overnight , so I could pick it up in the morning . I thanked them , and the next day , Theo came to take me up on the back of a Harley he rented . He had it planned and we were supposed to go riding together , he on the rental and me on my bike . Instead , he rode me up to the house on the back of his bike , then we rode back home . Monday morning I called Golden Gate Harley to let them know what happened , and I was very impressed at the way they handled it . They sent a trailer all the way down to San Jose , to pickup my bike and take it back to Corte Madera . When it was fixed , they put it on a trailer and delivered it back to my apartment . It doesn 't get much better than that . It turns out that , because the frame was powdercoated black , the ground wire wasn 't making a good connection , so the battery wasn 't charging . They scraped off the powdercoating so the wire had a good connection , and I didn 't have another problem for quite some time . I was back in NJ , doing software consulting for my old boss , and visiting many of my old clients , who welcomed me back and were very happy to see me . I found a place to rent in Lodi , NJ which is only about 20 minutes outside of New York City , but regardless of whether I drove , took the bus or train , it still took me at least an hour and a half to get to my clients , due to rush hour traffic . I was back in the daily grind of the " commute - work - commute - sleep " routine that I hated so much . It left very little time for relaxation or any true enjoyment or balance in life . I at least had it better than most . I usually waited for the tail end of rush hour and would get to my clients around 9 or 10am , and then I would leave whenever I was done . Sometimes I was lucky and would get to leave by 3pm and get home at a decent hour . Often , if I finished my work with a client at 5pm , I would go eat at a restaurant and do some shopping in the city before heading home . That at least would give me some time to relax and enjoy the time , then my commute back would be shorter with less traffic . Ultimately , what was happening is that I was remembering why I left New Jersey in the first place . If I could have found a good job in Ocean County that would pay enough so I could afford a house there and have the " rural " lifestyle I grew up with , I think I would enjoy New Jersey . However , any jobs that paid real money were all up in Northern NJ or NYC and that required either horrendously long commutes from my hometown area , or living in Northern NJ , which is not something I really enjoyed . I was also getting overwhelmed with clients again . There are not enough people in this country that do the software consulting I do , and we are always in demand . I reached a point , where I would only schedule people on Mon , Wed , Fri , so that I would have a couple days during the week open for emergencies . I was booked out 6 weeks in advance and my Tues and Thurs ALWAYS got taken . It was a hectic schedule in a busy city , and after living in the west , it wasn 't something I enjoyed anymore . I had this fantasy of riding to the Grand Canyon on a Harley Davidson motorcycle and that certainly wasn 't going to come true if I continued this life in NJ . However , I knew that Keith 's time in Tucson with his dad was limited and I would visit him on long weekends . I at least got my " hits " of the west and Keith now and then , and I hoped that Keith 's next assignment would be as he was told . . . the Pentagon in DC . Traveling to see Keith , and having hope that he would one day be about 3 hours away , gave me the energy to push on in NJ . When I visited Keith , we would go hiking in the desert , along with visiting his dad in the hospital ( I really liked his dad ) , or visiting other family members in other parts of Arizona . On one of our expeditions , we hiked up Picacho Peak , which is a very big rock sticking out of the flat desert . There is a point where the climb is so steep there is no way to climb up , so someone , the Parks Service ? , installed steel beams with cable joining them . In some cases , the cable is horizontal , and you must jam your foot between the beam and the rock while holding on the cable , then jam your foot between then next beam and rock and take steps that way . The last stretch of the hike has the beams horizontal with the cable , vertical , on each side of you parallel to the rock . You must hold onto the cable on either side of you while walking up the rock , almost straight up . It was a bit of work , but we both managed . The reward was making it to the flat top and getting to admire the view all around us . Below are some pictures from our hikes in the Tucson Desert . Keith 's dad went through the transplant and was doing well for a few months , but at one point , even though he had anti - rejection medications , his body started rejecting his new heart . The doctors did all they could and he fought a good fight , but he eventually lost the fight . . . I think around August / September . I traveled to Tucson one last time for the funeral and to try to keep Keith occupied for a few days afterwards . He told me some time later how much that meant to him . When I went home after that last visit , I knew Keith wouldn 't be in Tucson much longer , as the Air Force really created a place for him there . They would soon transfer him out of Tucson since his dad no longer needed him , and we both were hopeful yet worried about where they would send him next . It wasn 't too long before Keith found out and called me to tell me . . . they were sending him to Japan . My heart sank , but I did my best to stay calm and strong . I told him it would be no problem , I could move to Japan . He then explained the reality to me , that there really was nothing I could do for a living there since I didn 't speak Japanese , and since we weren 't married I couldn 't live on base with him . We really weren 't at a point where either of us would feel comfortable making a spur of the moment marriage commitment , so when the reality hit me , my knees collapsed under me and I fell to the floor crying , with the phone still in my hand , Keith still on the other end . He was very patient and understanding and talked with me while I got myself together and calmed down . I really don 't remember what we discussed after that or how long we were on the phone , but I don 't think it was long . We hung up , and I had some decisions to make . Since I really wasn 't loving being back in NJ , and I couldn 't figure out a way to work and live closer to where I grew up so that I " could " love my life there , I decided to put feelers out and see if I could move back west somewhere . I contacted some national headhunters , and waited to see what they would come up with . After a couple weeks , I received word that they had two companies interested in me in the San Francisco Bay area . One was an old client in Santa Clara that was looking for an Assistant Controller , and the other was a newly formed company in San Francisco that was made up of a couple people that had been at an old client , but decided to start their own company . I made arrangements to fly out for interviews and look for a place to live in case one of these opportunities worked out . I was very fortunate that a friend of mine from one of my former clients allowed me to stay in his guest room in his apartment in San Francisco . I interviewed with both companies and received offers from both . I opted for the older , more established company , a well - known homebuilder , and accepted their offer . I also signed a lease on an apartment that was within walking distance to the office so I could walk to work each day . Keith and I kept in touch as long as we were both still in the US , and I told him I had accepted a job in Santa Clara , CA and would be moving there after Christmas starting work in the beginning of January . He was happy for me , but of course we were both still sad about him leaving for Japan . I spent the next few weeks doing my best to wrap up things with clients and passing on assignments to other consultants . I also got estimates from various moving companies and got them scheduled to come in to move me when I was ready to go . I knew the first thing I had to do when I got to CA was buy a Harley Davidson motorcycle and make plans to ride out to the Grand Canyon , and I told my new boss that this was my plan ! ! Hahahaha ! ! A few weeks before my leave date to go to CA , Keith called me to let me know that some of the high up Generals felt that sending him to Japan was a waste of talent , so they pulled strings and got him moved to the Pentagon in DC . He didn 't really sound happy , and didn 't ask me to stay in NJ or give me any indication that he wanted to try to salvage anything of our relationship , and I didn 't offer . I felt that I had already bared my heart and my feelings enough over our time together , and especially with my reactions when he told me he was moving to Japan . Deep down , I knew that something changed the day I told him I didn 't want to have children , no matter how flippant my comment was . Too many things had happened and I felt if he wanted to continue a relationship with me after everything he would let me know and that would open the door to conversations about our views on children , etc . Since he didn 't , I wasn 't going to stop my plans and stay if his heart wasn 't in it . Maybe I should have and maybe he was just in shock after everything and therefore incapable of truly dealing with anything . . . but I had expressed so much and he had expressed little . I didn 't want to be the one always initiating conversations and expressing myself if it wasn 't reciprocated . So , I went on with my plans to move to CA and decided to take the southern route this time . As luck would have it , I was traveling west at the same time Keith was traveling east , so we met for one last time in Memphis , TN . It was a very bittersweet reunion and parting , but it at least allowed for some small amount of closure for both of us . Once I left TN , the trip out west pretty flat and boring . The only point of interest on this trip was once I got close to the Bay Area on I - 5 , I was trying to figure out a fun way to get from I - 5 to 101 . I noticed on the map that there was a road called J1 that looked like it cut through the middle of nowhere , so I decided to take that . I got off I - 5 at 180 , headed towards Panoche and picked up J1 . It really was a road through the middle of nowhere . There was nothing for miles and I was really enjoying the drive . I passed a sign that said some kind of hot springs . . . I think Mercy Hot Springs . I vowed that once I got my next motorcycle I would come back to this road and enjoy it on two wheels . . . Driving through the rest of South Dakota was pretty uneventful . Just lots of fields and cows . I have noticed however , that the bug guts on my windshield are more of a red or orange . As I drive along , there are lots of bulletin boards . Some for car and motorcycle museums , some for the " Corn Palace " ( not sure I want to know what that is ) and some for " Whoa ' n Go 's " . . . their brand of gas station . I hit Minnesota in the early afternoon and found that the bug guts on my windshield are now a bright green . You might find it strange that I notice the color of the bug guts , but there 's not much else to look at and it 's amazing how quickly my windshield gets covered and how thick it is . I mean after 10 minutes , I 've got a carpet on my windshield . Also , at this point , I 'm tired of country stations and commercials for pesticides , herbicides , seeds and seeding machinery . What I wouldn 't give for a Tom Shane commercial right now ! ! Hahahaha ! ! I stopped in the town of Albert Lee , MN and the first song I heard while I was eating dinner was " Darlin ' Pretty " by Mark Knopfler . I didn 't think it was played on the radio , especially in the middle of Minnesota . I felt a little sad as it reminded me of Keith and I wasn 't sure what our future held . Today , I drove through the rest of Minnesota , made it through Wisconsin , Illinois and Indiana and stopped just over the border in Ohio . The news in western Wisconsin consisted of a couple incidents of deer being hit . In each case , they gave the driver 's name , location of the accident and the damage to the car . Pretty amazing . . . I did stop in Milwaukee for a Harley t - shirt and to get info about the factory . I found out they give tours on Mon , Wed and Thurs . Today is Tuesday , so I guess no tour for me . The lady at the dealership was really nice - - she gave me some key chains and stickers for free . I made it home today . The rest of the drive through Ohio , Pennsylvania and New Jersey was pretty boring . However , when I got to I - 195 in NJ , it felt good to see all of the vegetation . I drove across the state to the beach and boardwalk in Pt . Pleasant before going home . It was good to get back to the boardwalk . I went to Martell 's and had my first slice of Jersey pizza and a fresh squeezed lemonade with the sugar that crunches in your teeth . . . boy have I missed that ! ! Also , there are houses right on the boardwalk , looking out over the ocean , most of them are very nice . I always loved walking the boardwalk and admiring the houses , wondering what it was like to live there . There is this one house that has an outdoor speaker system . It 's owned by an elderly couple and they ALWAYS play Frank Sinatra out those speakers . It 's one of those things you can count on . I had forgotten about that house , but when I got close to it , I couldn 't help but smile a huge smile when I heard Frank Sinatra playing . Since it is still before Memorial Day , most of the people on the boardwalk were locals and they all say " hi " as they walk by . I noticed them all smiling a bigger smile after seeing my big smile . I couldn 't keep from smiling so big - - this boardwalk was always " my place " and it was good to be back . I walked to the end of the boardwalk , like I always did . . . where the inlet and jetty are . On my way , I hopped up on the unoccupied benches , walked across them , the jumped off , like I always used to . When I reached the jetty , and older man on a bicycle passed me and said " hi " so I said " hi " back . The only way to get on the jetty from the boardwalk is to climb through the railing , which I did . The old man said , " Boy you did that with such ease . " I said , " I 've done it a few times . " I went and ran on the rocks on the jetty like I used to and stopped midway to gaze across the inlet , then out to the ocean on my right , then down the inlet to the river on my left . I wanted to stay longer , but knew my parents were waiting to see me . So , I ran back on the boulders and climbed back through the railing . The old man was still there and he said , " Oh you 're climbing through again . " I said , " Yup , but in reverse . " and I smiled . He said , " You seem like such a beautiful , happy person . " I said , " I try to be happy . I 'm happy to be back . " I explained that I just got in from driving back from WA state and I came here first . I told him how important the boardwalk is to me . I then asked him if he lived nearby and he said he lived just a few blocks away . So , I said , " Then you know what a special place this is . " He said , " Oh yes . " He then invited me to sit and chat with him for a bit , but I said I had to go because my parents were waiting for me . I explained I would be there often and perhaps we would catch up at a later time . Then I drove home and it was good to see my parents and brother . We talked for a while and the first thing I did was unpack my stereo and put on my Jonatha Brooke CD . Finally , some decent music . They play mostly rock and top 40 out here . Then , the next thing I did was finish writing this . . . It 's good to be home , have the windows open , and hear nothing but crickets and an occasional dog barking . . . Today was my first full day in Bend / Sun River , OR . I will be here through Friday the 21st , when I will be heading back to NJ . Yesterday , I had the movers load my things in Vancouver , and I drove here . Keith was on his way back from AZ and stopped and spent the night plus a couple hours with me at my client . I 've been reflecting on my life in awe over the last couple days . Now that I 'm going back to NJ I 'm happy . It 's a been a difficult couple of months , but I 'm content with my decision and actually happy to be going home . I can 't believe the opportunities and experiences I 've had . I feel very fortunate to have lived the life I have so far . It almost feels like I 'm accelerating towards something . I feel like going to NJ is something I 'm " supposed " to do . I know it will help me bring closure to some isuses so I can move on . I also feel like NJ is not my last stop . I can 't help feeling like I will be back in the West after a few years , but for now I " have to " be in NJ . This past weekend I was in the Quinault Rain Forest with my friend Rick and saw a wild black bear . Today , I 'm in the Oregon high desert and saw a wild coyote and two does , and for me these are awesome experiences . I can 't wait for the adventure of driving cross country and the sights I 'll see on my stops . 5 / 22 / 99 I left Bend , OR yesterday about 4 : 30pm and arrived in Mt . Home , ID about 10 : 00pm ( 11 : 00pm Mountain time ) . I drove through Eastern Oregon 's high desert . The further east I got , the more brown and barren everything got . It was just like the movies where there is nothing for miles , then , in the middle of all , there is a post office , a general store and a gas station . In 2 seconds , you 're through the " town " . As I got closer to Idaho there were more hills and a river , and there were some ducks and other birds . There were these really cool looking black birds with white tipped wings and long tails . I think they are some kind of scavenger birds because I saw at least one of them eating road kill . This morning I left Mt . Home and am now at a diner in St . Anthony , having a cheeseburger and fries . I stopped at the Harley Davidson dealership in Blackfoot , ID earlier today to pick up a t - shirt . The terrain here is unbelievably flat . The high desert in OR was pretty flat , but there were some trees and lots of little bushes . Here , there is not much of anything to create texture . I guess that 's how they grow potatoes . : - ) There was a sign for the Potato Expo . The rest of the ride through Idaho was pretty uneventful . I rode north to Yellowstone . It costs $ 20 . 00 for a 7 day pass and I only used about 4 hours worth . I was going to try to drive the whole park in a figure eight , but the road between Tower and Canyon was closed . Instead , I drove north to the Petrified Tree , then headed back south to see Old Faithful . Almost immediately upon entering the park , I saw Elk and Buffalo . They were all over the park . I did not see any bears the whole time . I was surprised at how thin the forest was . The ground was ashy and the trees were like scrub pines . I guess that the result of alot of volcanic activity . There were lots of fields and water too . The last part of the trip through Yellowstone was Old Faithful . I had no idea when it was supposed to go , but figured if I was supposed to see it , I would . I pulled into the parking lot about 6 : 35pm and got the the viewing area about 6 : 40pm . I asked some people there when it was supposed to go and they said around 6 : 45 . Sure enough , about 6 : 47 it went off , I took a couple pictures and was on my way again . Talk about not wasting time ! ! I couldn 't have planned it better if I tried ! I left the park and drove to Cody , Wyoming where I stayed for the night . I got there about 10 : 00pm . The ride through WY was similar to eastern OR . . . desert and hills , but WY hills had no vegetation . They were more like stark reddish brown rock with really sharp shapes . There was a long stretch of road where they were doing construction and it was gravelly . Boy , was I glad I was in the car and not on a bike . Cody , WY seems to be a typical western town . One street about 15 blocks long is called " downtown " . It seems to be pretty lively though , especially for 10 : 00pm . Oh , also not far outside Yellowstone , I drove next to a large lake . It was still frozen and had snow on it , and along most of the road there was still about 5 feet of snow . There were quite a few spots along the road in WY where there were herds of wild deer in the fields right near the road . A strange thing happened as I left Cody this morning . Late yesterday , I kept thinking of the song by Phil Collins and a female singer that has the lyrics " You have no right , to ask me how I feel . . . " but that 's about all I could remember of the song . This morning , that was the first full song I heard on the radio . " Separate Lives " I had tears in my eyes as the realization hit me that Keith and I would , at least for now , be living " Separate Lives " . . . and how appropriate that song was at that time . Another not - so - strange thing ( for me ) happened too . About 10 miles outside Cody I realized that I didn 't get gas . I decided to just wait til I hit the next town , Grey Bull . Well , I got there , filled up , and realized I locked my keys in the car . It was a typical western town , complete with the officer inside the mini - mart , drinking coffee and eating donuts , and there were three Mexican men who were so close to each other they looked like they were glued together . Of course everyone stared at the " out - of - towner " ( me ) as she walked up to the cop and explained she locked herself out of her car . He radioed in , but the one guy in town who could unlock my car was on vacation . He requested that a guy who works for him bring the tools over and he would unlock it for me . He was very nice and I was on my way again in a short amount of time . I stopped in Sheridan , WY to try to get a t - shirt at the Harley dealership there . No such luck - - it was closed . There was a dealership in Gilette , WY but since it 's Sunday it was closed for the day . So , I drove on to see Devil 's Tower . I had to drive on a dirt road for about 5 miles and thought that was what the whole route was , but thank goodness it turned to pavement again . While I was there , I picked up a vase supposedly made by the Sioux Indians . I left Devil 's Tower and headed for Sturgis , SD . I got there about 4 : 30pm and of course the Harley dealer was closed too since it was Sunday . So , I kept driving and went to Mt . Rushmore and the Crazy Horse monument . By this point , the bugs on my windshield are so thick , I have to find the clear spots to peak through . I still am doing 85 in a 75 zone though . Any gas stations I 've stopped at so far have not had the washer fluid and my wipers and washer fluid aren 't doing the trick . I headed back to Sturgis , where I filled up in preparation for the next day , and was finally able to clean my windshield . I settled in for the night and let myself sleep a little late the next day . I still wanted a t - shirt from Sturgis and the Harley dealership didn 't open til 9am . I had talked to my brother John , tonight and told him that in some of my conversations with our dad , I learned that our mom was having some sort of stomach issues . It didn 't seem like he knew about it , so he was going to check in . He called me back later to let me know that dad told him she just went into the hospital and it turned out to be gall bladder issues . They wanted to keep her in the hospital for a few days to do tests . I would keep tabs on the situation , but I may not have any more time for sightseeing and might have to just drive straight through . I 'm not really sure there is anything else worth stopping for at this point anyway . . . we 'll see . |
Obi - Wan awoke to the smell of ' swamp ' tea , and Issuni calling him . " Obi - Wan wake up . " The sleeping Padawan opened his eyes to see the Healer standing next to a table in Tolinn 's room with a mug of what had to be the herbal tea Kimu had given him to take . The smell woke up Tolinn to . " What 's that , it smells worse than the fresher ? " " It is Obi - Wan 's medicine that he is supposed to be taking . " Both boys made faces . " Tolinn I need to get you cleaned up while your buddy drinks this . So you need to get off of your mattress there . " Tolinn giggled at the thought of Obi - Wan as a mattress . He untangled himself from the blanket , and Obi - Wan stood . " I would have gone to my chambers and made my own you know , " the Padawan told the Healer . " Did you make it last night , while you were waiting out in the corridor ? " " Well - - No , " Obi - Wan admitted . " Let me tell you something young man . " Issuni joked , but was serious . " We Healers have a saying , you can not take care of others , if you do not take care of yourself . " " And do you always follow that saying ? " Issuni cringed a little . " Maybe not , but you will drink that , now . " Obi - Wan did not argue and drank the foul tasting tea while the Healer washed and put Tolinn in clean cloths . Obi - Wan noticed he was not the freshest thing going either . " I do need to go take care of myself . I have to go before the council today . " The Healer could see that the young Jedi was still upset at all that had happened the day before . " I know you are worried , but I have a feeling everything will work out . " " I hope so , " Obi - Wan quietly replied . " I have to be here for the next treatment , that 's the one - - " He did not have to tell Issuni , she knew that was the important one , the one that would tell if they were working . A gentle hand on the older boy 's shoulder said more than any words could . Obi - Wan crouched down to Tolinn 's size and spoke to the toddler . " Now you behave and when you feel better , you eat lots of good stuff . " " I will . " Tolinn smiled . " Obi ? " " What Toli ? " " Thank you for being my buddy . " Obi - Wan jodiwent , Obi - Wan was up bright and early the next morning . Qui - Gon knew how important this day was for his Padawan and so told him he did not have to train that day . That was part of the reason for the extra hard work out the night before . For the third day he drank the herbal medicine that Kimu had given him , and knew he had to wait till the afternoon to eat . He would be glad when the next four days were over . Then he thought about what he might have to go through again if the Healers felt he was not better . The first place Obi - Wan went to was to Bant 's temporary home . Both Bant and Lowan were happy to see him . " Obi - Wan , why didn 't you tell me what was going on yesterday ? " Bant asked . " I didn 't want to worry you , and everything worked out , " Obi - Wan explained . " I heard , Mother Nisa told me some of what happened . " " Next year , I 'm gonna ' live with Mama Nisa , " Lowan pronounced . " Just like my Mama Bant did . " " I 'm sure you 'll like it a lot , " Obi - Wan told Lowan . " The other boys and girls in her group are nice kids . " " Do you think Toli will live with Mama Nisa ? " " He already lives with Mother Aleena , but I 'm sure you will see him - - " Obi - Wan stopped short . He had said it as if he were so sure that the treatments that Issuni was giving Tolinn were going to work . Indeed Obi - Wan could see in his minds eye the two boys playing together in the future . That may have been wishful thinking rather than foreseeing . " Massa Soli 's going to show me to the other Massas tonight . " " I know , then you 'll be a real Jedi . " Lowan smiled the biggest smile he ever had . Bant had explained that Obi - Wan could not be at the presentation , but the Mon Cal infant did not understand . " Will you be there to see me Uncie Obi ? " Obi - Wan felt badly that he could not , but it was for the only thing that would have kept him away . " No but Qui - Gon will be . " " Remember , " Bant reminded . " Obi - Wan has to stay with Tolinn tonight , because he 's very sick . " Lowan really had no understanding of how sick his little friend was . " Can 't Uncie Obi bring Toli with him to see me ? " " Lowjodiwent , The Healer was not far away , she came running when she heard the Padawan 's call . Her tiny patient did looked horrid . He was an odd color and the medicine was making him want to empty his stomach . Tolinn 's stomach was empty so there was really not much for him to get rid of . The sick little boy was also shaking , something he had not done with the other treatments . " Let 's get him back into the bed , " Issuni told Obi - Wan , so he carried Tolinn back to it . The young Jedi could feel that Tolinn was very hot as well . Issuni still wanted to cover him up tightly with the blankets . She closed her eyes and held her hands just above the little boy . She was using her skills to sense just what was going on in Tolinn 's body . Obi - Wan could also sense that the Healer was using the Force to regulate the boy 's system as much as she could . When the Healer opened her eyes , she increased the drip on the I . V . that gave Tolinn the fluids his body needed . Obi - Wan did not have to ask , the look on his face told the Healer what he wanted to know . ' What was wrong ? What was happening to his little friend ? ' Tolinn 's eyes were closed and he was still shaking . His color was not any better . Issuni indicated with a tilt of her head that they should go outside of Tolinn 's room to talk . " Why is he like that ? " Obi - Wan asked when they were out of Tolinn 's earshot . " The medicine has a strong effect on the body . It is trying to kill the bad cells in Tolinn 's blood . Tolinn 's body is fighting both the medicine and the cells it is killing . " " You mean the treatment itself is doing that to him ? " " Unfortunately yes , that is the price if we want him to have a chance . I 'm going to have to stay here with him and use the Force to regulate his vitals . Maybe you should go and get some sleep . I don 't think he will be awake until tomorrow . " " I don 't want to leave . " " I know you don 't . Right now you won 't be doing any good here . Come back in the morning . That is when he will need you . " Obi - Wan did not know what to do . He knew what Issuni was telling him was true still hJan 31 , 2005 at 11 : 58 AM # 80 LOL ! That was really cute . And all the Padawans playing the same game with Tolinn . I liked the conversation with Mace , too . Nice to see another side of him , and that Obi - Wan was able to see things a little more clearly . Wonderful post . When Obi - Wan went to the room where the books and toys were , he found that Kelee was reading to a group of other kids that had been in the healing center . The apprentice Crà ¨ che Mother told the Padawan that she was just about to start another if he wanted to bring Tolinn in . He went back and asked Toli if he wanted to go with the other kids . " Yhea , Kelee reads stories real good . " So Obi - Wan carried the tired boy to hear Kelee read . He himself still did not know what to do with himself . He did not want to leave knowing that Healer Issuni would be back at any time to tell Toli if the treatment had worked . Had they found the chemical combination that would destroy the bad cells in Tolinn 's system ? At the same time Obi - Wan was sleepy himself . While Kelee read to the children , Obi - Wan planted himself on one of the double chairs that lined the wall of the play room . It was not long before the young Jedi was fast asleep . Even Kelee 's voice reading the story , and the children 's laughter could not keep him awake . A few stories later , an apprentice Healer showed up to take the children back to their rooms . Kelee told her that she would bring Tolinn back to his room . " Aren 't you going to wake up Obi ? " Toli whispered . " No , he needs to sleep , " Kelee answered . " I 'm sure he 'll be in to see you when he wakes up . " So Tolinn was brought back to his room and fell asleep himself while Obi - Wan snoozed away in the play room . A few hours later the idea that he should not be asleep crept into Kenobi 's mind . He sat up all of a sudden to find he was all alone . How long had he been there sleeping ? What time was it ? He looked at a clock on the wall and saw he had been there quite a while . Issuni must have been back by now . He went to check in Tolinn 's room first . The little boy was fast asleep , and no Healers were in site . Obi - Wan remembered where Issuni 's office was and he made his way there . Part of him wanted to get there fast , another part did not want to know . He wanted to know even less when he could hear the Healer crying on the otFeb 1 , 2005 at 3 : 14 AM # 82 I really enjoyed this . Not only that Toli is getting better , but that Obi is having such a hard time lying . It does seem like a strange thing to do , but I understand Qui - Gon 's reasoning . It was really nice of him to buy the fruit for the old woman . Maybe Qui - Gon will relent after a dozen or so ? I 'd hate for Obi to get a reputation for lying . Once again Obi - Wan 's Master sent him ahead to find someone to tell a small lie to . Not far down the walkway a little boy , who had tourist written all over him , saw Obi - Wan and tugged on his mother 's pant leg . " Look Mom a Jedi ; a real Jedi . " The boy then lead the mother by hand towards the Padawan . Obi - Wan was really not in the mood for what usually happened next . Many of the tourist to Coruscant always wanted to meet ' a real Jedi ' . Many had wild ideas about what Jedi could do , which sometimes were good for a laugh , but today he was glad he had a way out of dealing with them . " Young man , pardon me , " the boy 's mother spoke . " We are visiting Coruscant . . . " ' As if I couldn 't tell , ' Obi - Wan thought sarcastically to himself . " - - and my son has wanted to talk to a Jedi . You are a Jedi , aren 't you ? " Obi - Wan did what he never would have done on any other occasion . He lied . " No ma ' am , I am not a Jedi . " " But you look like one , " The boy pouted . " I am an actor for the holo - net , this is my costume . " Obi - Wan was trying very hard not to laugh . " You see that man , down there ? " He pointed to Qui - Gon . " He is indeed a real Jedi . " " Well thank you for telling us , " the mother said and she dragged her son towards the Jedi Master . Obi - Wan chuckled to himself as he stood off to the side watching his Master deal with the tourists . Qui - Gon was nothing but polite . " That guy says you 're a real Jedi , " the boy stated . " That 's right . " Qui - Gon knelt down to be closer to the boy 's line of sight . " And where do you come from young man ? " " Alderaan . " " That 's not too far , but I 'm sure you don 't see to many Jedi on such a peaceful planet . " " No sir . I 'm glad I got to meet one here . " " I 'm glad I met you too . " " Can I be a Jedi . " The boy was entirely sincere . " I 'm sorry , that 's not possible . " Qui - Gon 's words saddened the boy . " Why not ? " " Well , to be a Jedi you have to be in tune with the Force . If you were , you would know long before now . Then if you were a Jedi you would not live with your lovely mother here . " " Really ? " " Really , you 'd have to live in the Tjodiwent , Jedi teacher and student just happened to be walking along ; looking for the next person Obi - Wan was to tell something less than truthful . They just happened to be walking in the direction the irate father and the others were walking . They just happened to see what they were selling at the market . They were street performers . The people who had been chasing the boy who had stolen a kiss , all joined the others who were already in the middle of their high flying acrobatics . The father and the daughter held out a hat and a scarf to take any money onlookers might give them . Qui - Gon stopped to watch Obi - Wan had walked a few yards before he realized . He went back to stand at his Master 's side , not quite sure why Qui - Gon had stopped . Obi - Wan looked at the acrobats , he didn 't seem as impressed as the rest of the crowd who clapped and oohed and awed . No matter how high , it was not as if he had never seen the jumping and flipping in all of the training rooms of the Temple . " They are good , are they not ? " Qui - Gon asked . Obi - Wan never knowing if Master Jinn was asking because he wanted to know , or if he was trying to teach something , knew better than to just say ' I guess so ' . He still did not answer . Qui - Gon did not push him for an answer , he just kept watching . Obi - Wan watched only because they were there . " This does not interest you Padawan ? " Qui - Gon sensed Obi - Wan 's rising boredom . " Maybe when I was six Master . " " You know that these people are not using to Force to do any of their stunts . " Obi - Wan was still did not tell his Master , he could care less about it . He was sure that he and his friends could do anything these people were doing , Force or not . It would have been a lot more fun to do than to watch . Something did catch the young Jedi 's attention . Along with three others , the girl with the sparse bantha wool top was about to take the center of crowd . The father seemed to be the ringmaster of this group . He introduced his daughters . " And now good citizens and visitors of Coruscant , I present to you my lovely daughters wFeb 3 , 2005 at 2 : 48 AM # 86 While Obi - Wan was out learning how to ' lie ' convincingly , Bant was starting to work out with her Master again . At the moment she was blocking attacks that Soliqua aimed at her . The little Mon Calamarian was fast , Bant could always jump , or duck out of the way . When necessary she blocked her Master 's saber away . Somewhere in the middle of their saber practice , when Master and Padawan were locked in a block and their sabers hissed , Bant lost her concentration . Soliqua 's light saber slid off of Bant 's and moved towards her head . If not for the Jedi Master 's quick reflexes , the Padawan would have been severely injured . Soliqua had shut down her saber just in time . " Bant ! " Soliqua half worried , half disappointed , jumped . " Where are your thoughts ? " " Not here Master , I 'm sorry . " Bant bowed . " You scared me . Such a laps in concentration , at such a moment , is not like you . " " I 'm sorry , I suddenly felt like - - " Bant did not want to tell her Master what had distracted her . Because she had already started , Master Soliqua pressed for an answer . " Felt like what Padawan ? " " Like Lowan needed me . " " I see . " Soliqua did not want to make an issue out of Bant still feeling a connection to her son . " It may take a while for you to not feel so connected . I am sure that he misses you a lot . " " It is more difficult than I imagined . I don 't know how you will do it , " Bant let slip out . " I 'm sorry Master that was not meant the way it sounded . " " It is true ; it will be hard if my child is to be a Jedi . It will be hard if they are not to be a Jedi as well . You are young , it is harder to understand . Are you having second thoughts about continuing your training ? " " No Master . I am just wondering , interested in how it will be for you . I can sense the child growing inside of you . I only felt bad for a few weeks and laid some eggs . It 's been very hard to leave the ones on Mon Calamari , and hard to leave Lowan , even if he is with the Mothers and all the other children . You will carry your child for over half of a year . How will you be able to give it Feb 5 , 2005 at 11 : 11 AM # 88 ? Let me take a listen . ? The med tech saw something she did not like on the scanner . She listened to Obi - Wan ? s chest , but did not hear anything out of the ordinary . Of course the young Jedi could have been controlling his breathing . ? I still think a trip to the hospital may be in order . ? ? Hospital ? ? Obi - Wan groaned . If there was one thing worse than the healers it was doctors . ? You are responsible for this young man ? ? another med tech asked Qui - Gon . ? Yes . There are Healers where we live . If you could bring us to the Jedi temple everything will be taken care of . ? ? We have to bring this other child to the hospital . If you ? re smart you ? ll let us bring yours there too . You don ? t know where the other two ? s parents are . ? ? No I ? m afraid not . ? ? We can ? t wait any longer . Are you in for the ride ? ? Obi - Wan looked at his Master hoping to dissuade him from listening to the med techs , but Qui - Gon quickly decided . ? Yes , take us as well . ? Qui - Gon climbed into the emergency speeder and the med techs added Obi - Wan , still on the stretcher droid , in with the others ; the little girl , who they were frantically working over ; the little brother , sitting at her side ; and the lunatic that had knocked the children over the wall . He was still in the sleep trance Qui - Gon had put him in . The med techs took no chance , and strapped him down . ? Do I really need to lay on this thing ? ? Obi - Wan grumbled . ? I suppose you can sit up , ? the woman med tech said . ? If you can that is . ? The woman ? s teasing was all Obi - Wan needed to get him sitting up , no matter how sore he was . He saw the little girl was not doing to well . ? How is she ? ? ? She will need a lot of reconstruction to her fingers , and a lot of synth skin , but if she had hit that platform - - I am sure she would be dead . The little one as well . ? She smiled at him . Obi - Wan had done a good thing , but he felt that if he had not climbed up on the rail to begin with , maybe none of this would have happened . They were only copying him . ? Don ? t think like that Padawan , ? Qui - Gon said to him in a low tone for ojodiwent , The next time Obi - Wan awoke , it was morning . Qui - Gon had slipped off to get some cafe ' . He was once again staying up an entire night at his Padawan 's side , watching and wondering why it seemed to be Obi - Wan who was always getting injured . Master Jinn remembered back to when he was the same age . In thinking about it , he had his own string of ' early Padawan years injuries ' as well . Somehow they didn 't seem as traumatic or frequent as Obi - Wan 's . The night 's sleep had done as much for Obi - Wan as the repairs of the operating room . The grogginess of the sedation was now gone . What had replaced it was a ravenous hunger , and an urgent need to use the fresher unit . Strength now returned he got out of bed and headed that way . He realized that he was not in his own clothes . He was in what amounted to a short , thin , piece of material with arm holes and several strings tying it in the back . He felt a distinct breeze in the neither regions . A morning stretch and yawn reviled just how short the hospital gown was . ' I could get arrested for wearing this thing anywhere else . ' ' Just where are my clothes ? ' Padawan Kenobi wondered . ' First things first . ' When he was out of the fresher , Obi - Wan started to search for his clothes . They were not in any of the room 's drawers . Now he was getting irritated . There was one last place to look , a closet . His clothes were there , on the top shelf . He had to stand tip toed to reach them . Just as he did , he heard the door open , Followed by , " now that 's one of the perks of volunteering here . " It was not Master Jinn , it was a female voice . Of course it was . Isn 't that the way it always happens ? Someone walks in at the most em - bare - assing time possible . Obi - Wan quickly covered his bare assets with the clothes he had just grabbed . " Do you mind ! ? ! " " No actually . " When Obi - Wan turned around he saw a girl around his own age , wearing overalls the color that indicated she was a volunteer at the hospital . She was holding a tray of food . " That 's the best thing I 've ever seen here . " " Are you always this rude ? " " Rude ? Can 't you take a complement ? " " You just get out of here until I 'm dressed . " The girl sighed and opened the door to go . " Leave the food . " " Yes your majesty . " She dropped the tray with a plop onto a small table by the bed . " Ha ha . " The girl left the room but Obi - Wan was now paranoid . He quickly attempted to put his under shorts on . They were somewhere around his ankles when he heard the door again . The young Jedi jumped . " Hey what do you think you 're - - " Obi - Wan landed on the floor , tripping on his own shorts , only to see a confused Qui - Gon with his cup of cafe ' . " I think I came back at an inconvenient moment . " Qui - Gon smiled at his poor Padawan in the tiny hospital outfit . " What are you doing ? " He restrained himself from adding ' Tanglefoot ' to the end of that question . jodiwent , " You know what they say about the food in places like this ? " " A Jedi knows no fear . " LOL ! This was one of my favorite bits . Also the last few lines , and the whole annoyance that is Topaz and the way Obi - Wan irritatedly deals with her . Obi - Wan is injured again and the story still manages to be light - hearted ! Very good . " Well , it is obvious that if you are well enough to be chased about by girls , " Qui - Gon said . " Then you are well enough to spend some time meditating , aren 't you ? " " Yes Master . " Obi - Wan sensed that Qui - Gon was not kidding . He found a spot on the floor and knelt very properly to meditate . " And I expect to see you here when I return . " " Return ? " Obi - Wan opened one eye . " I want to contact the Temple again . " Qui - Gon could see his apprentice 's questioning mind at work . Qui - Gon winked . " To make sure we aren 't missing all the action while we are away . " There was never any ' action ' at the Temple . Because it was part of his training , Obi - Wan was prepared to stay meditating while Qui - Gon went off to get some time to himself . Obi - Wan sensed that it must have been fairly boring for his Master to play nurse maid over him , especially when there wasn 't really anything to worry about . These latest wounds healed quickly because there was no baggage attached to them . Obi - Wan knew this too . As he meditated he realized , despite Kimu 's swamp tea concoction , that something was still going on inside of him . He never wanted to concentrate on healing it because to do so meant he had to remember things he wanted to forget . He laughed to himself when he thought about the new nick name ' that girl ' had given him . He realized he could laugh about it . Then an odd thing happened , he found that he could actually think about the healing that needed to take place . Maybe he should thank ' that girl ' , if only she wasn 't so irritating . And as he was thinking of just how irritating she was , he sensed her back in the room . He did not move . He wanted to see just what she would do when she thought he wasn 't paying attention . " Hey cheeks ? " Topaz said with her usual zeal . " What ya ' doing on the floor ? " Obi - Wan did not move . Topaz nosily looked around the room . " I saw your dad leave , so I figured it was safe to come back . " Obi - Wan turned bringing one of his knees upright . " I think we need to get a few things strait . Qui - Gon is not may father he is my teacher . jodiwent , Qui - Gon Jinn did not know which was the most boring , watching his Padawan rest in his room , or watching his Padawan tell the pirates in the game he was playing that they were ' going down ' . Obi - Wan had played that game at least eight times . As far as the Master was concerned that was about seven times too many . The older Jedi understood that it was just a game , but he found something disturbing in the glee that the younger one took in blasting away the virtual criminals . When Obi - Wan started telling the machine to ' die scum bag ' , Qui - Gon thought maybe he should take a walk . He sensed that maybe his apprentice was using this game to take out some of his pent up anger . That might be a good thing , as long as it stayed with the game . As a Jedi , Qui - Gon knew how to block out the noise of the recreation center , he still wanted real silence in his ears . " Obi - Wan I 'm going to take a walk , if they want you I will return to get you . " Obi - Wan just nodded , he was too busy blasting digital pirates to actually say something . Unlike most of the hospital , the pediatric floor was not so silent , compared to the room with all the games it was . Qui - Gon marveled at how open most of it was as well . Open , as if children had nothing to hide . Qui - Gon knew better . The Jedi Master felt drawn to a familiar presence in the Force . When he found where it was , he was looking into the glass window of one of the open rooms . Inside there were several of the hospital staff holding small furry animals , and a group of little children waiting to take their turn at petting them . The hospital had seemed such a sterile place it surprised Master Jinn that the squalls were allowed inside of it . One of the children gently feeling the soft fur of the small rodent was the Wylu boy . Qui - Gon thought it odd , this group of children did not seem to be a child care group . They seemed more like patients . As far as he knew Akiu had not suffered any injuries . One of the staff looked up to see the large Jedi looking in on them . He poked his head out of the open door . " Cjodiwent , Loved the " die , scum bag " part . LOL ! In many ways , Obi - Wan is still just a normal teenage boy . I like that Topaz has become much more of a rounded character . And Ruby ! So annoying . Aw , how cute with the squall . Maybe Akiu will open up now ? Poor little one . Mr . Floppy had no intention of moving away from Obi - Wan , but he did not mind when the two little ones came over to pat him . " See . " Akiu told Mazzi , " Mr . Floppy doesn 't care about your hands . " Mazzi knew that the doctors would fix her fingers today , but she sniffed back a tear . " Not like some people . " Akiu made a face at Ruby . She was now in the corner with Topaz whispering . " Why didn 't you tell me that was him ? " It had hurt the little girl when her favorite ' grown up ' , Ruby , had winced on seeing her bandages . She had always admired her cousin , but now she began to understand her mother 's statement that ' pretty is as pretty does . ' That was something she would never hear Ruby and Topaz 's mother say . Like the two young sisters , the two older ones were opposites . At that point in time they were too busy arguing to notice that maybe with a little nudge Akiu may have been ready to tell his furry little friend about his bad dreams . " Why do you think I pulled you away from him . " " You still didn 't tell me . " " You didn 't need to know . Just drop it . " " Drop it ? " Ruby had an angry one sided smile on her face . " Not likely . He should have a warning sign on his forehead : Don 't bother with this one . " " Why do you always have to be so mean ? " The children 's mother was starting to change her opinion of the reckless young Jedi . She was shocked when her eldest niece threw her lip stick in the boy 's lap . " I guess you need this more than me . " " Ruby stop it . " Topaz tried to get Ruby out of the room . " - - The kids . " Obi - Wan was still oblivious . " What would I need that for ? " He looked at Ruby like she was nuts . " Most boys like it when you kiss them . " " You 're mad because I didn 't kiss you ? " It still had not dawned on him . " No , I 'm mad that you may be my competition . " " What ? " He knew what she was saying , but it was not sinking in . " Ruby Drea , just what are you saying ? " Mrs . Wylu didn 't like what she was hearing . " What trick are you up to now . " " No trick Auntie , just that pretty boy has probably been kissed by as many boys as me . " She said itFeb 10 , 2005 at 2 : 04 AM # 97 Poor Qui - Gon . The angst is just building now , isn 't it ? The doctor 's comments are not helping . I 'm glad Topaz is trying to make amends . It is a known fact that little boys can , no matter how carefully watched , always escape from underneath the most watchful eyes . Akiu was no slouch . He had heard that Obi - Wan 's room was only a few doors down from his sister 's , he wanted to bring his hero something that he thought would cheer him up . The little boy did so well on his mission that the sleeping Obi - Wan did not even know he had been there until he discovered what had been left next to him . " Squeak ! " The lump in his bed yelped as Obi - Wan rolled over . He quickly jumped back . He looked to see Mr . Floppy the squall . " What are you doing here ? " He picked up the soft furry animal . " I 'm sorry I almost squashed you . " Unlike his relationship with Scrapper , he did not hear the inner voice of Mr . Floppy . So he decided to provide one for him . He held up the squall and made like he was talking . * " That 's okay Obi - Wan , you didn 't know I was in here . " * " I think I need to get you back where you belong . " Then he thought of where Mr . Floppy belonged . Was Ruby still there ? * " No Obi - Wan don 't send me back to that ( bleep ) . " * " Now Mr . Floppy is that anyway to talk ? " " Talking to yourself Padawan ? " Qui - Gon caught the teenager acting like a little kid . " If I didn 't see that creature in your hands , I 'd worry about you Obi - Wan . " " I don 't know how but the Wylu boy 's pet has found it 's way in here . " Obi - Wan let Qui - Gon 's teasing roll off . He stood up . " I better bring it back . " " That would be a good idea . That however is not a pet . " " It 's not ? " " Nor is it actually the boy 's . It belongs to the hospital . Apparently the boy has been having nightmares ever since the fall . The doctors think he will tell the animal about it rather than a person . " " Good idea . " " Yes , I am reminded of another animal who helped a young man when he needed a friend . " " Only Scrapper would have had Mr . Floppy for breakfast . " Obi - Wan grinned slyly . ' I won 't let Ruby have me for breakfast . ' " I 'll bring him back now . " " Aren 't you missing something ? " " What Master ? " " Your boots ? " " I think it 's safe to go next doorjodiwent , |
This is where I blog about life , love and grief . I have three children , one who watches over me from the skies , and two who have brought much joy to my life after a very dark time . I write about everything from birth to cooking to babies to grief to Jesus . Welcome to my little corner of the world . I 'm a stay at home mama to three babies : Bennett and Ainsleigh live with us , and Charlotte lives with Jesus . This is where I write about my life and loves . For more information click on my picture or the ' about me ' tab . Or contact me at littlebird0514 @ gmail . com . I think one of the hardest things about being a baby loss mama is the loneliness . The only people who understand how hard it is are fellow baby loss mamas . Men experience loss and grief so differently it is possible to spend many hours in the company of someone who was there every moment of your pregnancy and still feel alone when it ends . You carried the baby . You birthed the child and then she died . He stood by you , helpless , and desperate to save the baby , but his experiences are different . You both feel failure , but it 's so different for each of you it could almost be labeled something else . And this is where I admit that a baby dying is hell on a marriage . I don 't say much about my marriage here , because it is sacred and I feel protective of it . But I will confess that we have had more " I feel " discussions in the last eleven weeks than I thought we would in our entire life together . Sometimes it 's like a constant therapy session around here , but we are communicating and that is so important right now . Still , though , I 'm lonely . Yesterday I stopped at Burgerville on the way home from Dr . B 's office . I cannot drive by a Burgerville without purchasing food . It 's fast food , but it 's made with local ingredients . And it is so darn good . I was sitting at a table eating my lunch and I felt so lost I thought I was going to cry . I always have a book with me , but I forgot to put one in the car this morning so I felt a little naked . When I was pregnant with Charlotte I wouldn 't have minded sitting by myself , eating lunch , dreaming about my girl . Sitting there yesterday I felt my loss . I literally felt as if there was a giant hole in the middle of my chest where she should be . I carried her for 38 weeks and I fully expected to become a baby wearin ' mama and carry her for many weeks after she was born . So there I was , in the middle of a crowded restaurant , lip quivering , eating a cheeseburger , and trying to make it through lunch . This is what sucks about being a baby loss mama . Feeling so alone and sPosted by I 'm at 40 + followers . Wow . Way back in 2008 when I started this blog I would write every so often and I don 't think anyone read it . Now I write nearly every day and quite a few people are reading . Thank you . I 'm here , grieving and living my life , and I am so glad you all are listening . Today was appointment # 2 with Dr . B . I like her a lot . She greeted me with a hug and " I am so excited to see you ! " Dr . B and my midwives have spoiled me . This is the kind of medical care I expect now ; personal and kind with lots of hugs and encouragement . Dr . B was very proud of me for doing Aquafit . If you give me praise , or a cookie , I will do something I hate doing . I never thought I would be the type of person who exercises . Now I 'm walking four days a week , doing Aquafit once a week , and lifting my 5 lb . weights twice a week . All Dr . B has to say is " I 'm so proud of you . That 's a great step ! " and I continue on despite the little monster in my head who will not stop whining about how hard this all is . I was very excited to show Dr . B that I am tremor free ( first time in six years ! ) and she was so pleased she removed the PTU from the list completely . No more weaning , no dropping to 1 / 2 pill a day . As of today I am medication free . It 's making me a little giddy . I went from two little pills a day to this : It is so worth it . I 'm learning new skills too . See that little bag of herbs ? I can make my own tea now ! Dr . B and I talked about my breathing issues a bit too . She said they are fixable . I nearly fell off my chair . I haven 't been able to run for years . Can she possibly make everything better ? I am beginning to suspect she may be some sort of genie . When I explained my breathing problems to Dr . B she told me that according to Chinese medicine we carry our grief in our lungs . That makes sense to me . There have been so many moments since Charlotte died when I have felt unable to breathe , or take a deep breath . So first we are going to get the thyroid into shape and then the lungs . It feels good to be proactive about my health . I haPosted by Isn 't it strange when you scream at the universe and it responds ? After my post on guilt and wanting to know why Charlotte died I came across the line that is the title of this post in The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot . ( Amazing book , one of my top reads for this year ) . And I thought I may be able to live with the unanswered questions surrounding Charlotte 's death . Perhaps knowing would satisfy my curiousity , but also lead to more hurt . If I can have a second baby and he or she lives , maybe not knowing is okay . Then , yesterday , late afternoon , the autopsy report arrived with the mail . I ditched my Zen attitude regarding knowledge and hardship and tore into the envelope . No answers . I didn 't think there would be . I think we would 've been notified by phone had they found something significant , but I am human and we humans tend towards hope . The main finding is that " it looked as though she had lungs of those of a stillborn . " We were told this over the phone a few weeks ago so that was not a surprise to me . However , when I think about those words I wonder if she would 've died in my womb if I carried her past 38 weeks . I went into labor naturally , my water broke , but in that alternate universe that exists somewhere in my mind I wonder if I am a mama of a baby born still at 40 weeks gestation . But then I also have another alternate universe in some other corner of my mind where I am a mama to a living baby who will be 11 weeks tomorrow . ( If someone could tell me how to get to that universe I would gladly follow them ) . Here is the amazing bit about the autopsy report : receiving it didn 't flatten me . I was happy all day , and I was still happy after reading it . I didn 't cry . I didn 't feel angry . Mostly I felt shock that I will never know C 's first word , her favorite book , her favorite color , the person she would be at 2 , 26 , or 40 , but I do know how much her brain weighed and that her heart was perfectly formed . In a way , and this is going to sound rather strange , reading the autopsy report makes me Posted by I am having a good day . Can you believe it ? I have been so down the past few days . So full up of anxiety , sadness , and grief I felt as if I might float away . I woke up this morning and the last thing I wanted to do was go to Aquafit . But my friend was coming to pick me up at 8 : 30 and I couldn 't very well hide while she sat in the driveway wondering where I was . I trudged out to her car , we drove to the Y , got changed and then jumped in the water for class . And I had a really good time . I worked hard today . When we were in the deep end , doing sets of crunches , then relaxing , I felt better then I have in days . I was on my back , one noodle under my arms , one under my feet , floating , focusing on my breathing and completely calm . Do you ever have moments where you let yourself go and just exist ? It was like that . I was completely in the moment and I felt so weightless ( okay , you can probably attribute that to the pool ) and serene . Afterwards I felt like I had washed out my brain and left a lot of my anxiety at the bottom of the pool . Then we went to Costco for milk and some other things . Soon after Charlotte died I bought a pair of black capri pants at Costco and I have been living in them . I really wanted a pair in gray , but when I checked all they had were size 2 and size 4 . When we went today they had one pair in my size in gray . Very exciting . Now I can alternate between the black and the gray . ( This is my life now . I get excited about pants ) . Lately I 've felt as if the whole universe is against me ( I have a healthy ego ) and when I saw one pair of gray pants laying on top of the pile and they were my size it felt like a much needed victory . When I got home I eased my sore self onto the couch to catch up on my blog reading . And guess what ? I won a giveaway ! I never win anything . I did an impromptu happy dance on the couch when I saw my name on Kristin 's blog . I already have a beautiful necklace for Charlotte , but I can 't wait to get one with her name on the front . I will wear it and be proud of my sweet girl . Then , Posted by In the past few days I 've found myself circling back to guilt . I thought I was done with guilt , but I guess it still wants to hang with me for a while . Like the tide , the feelings of guilt ebb and flow ; sometimes I walk and do not notice them , but other days they inch closer and closer until eventually they lap at my knees and try to pull my feet out from under me . What brought this on ? Lots of small incidents , but mainly the neighbor who put her foot in her mouth but good . I know it 's hard to come up with something to say when someone tells you their baby died . However , asking where the baby is in July , when you know she was due in May , is not the best place to start . Last night Isabel shot out the door , tore across the driveway and headed straight for this neighbor . I trailed after her and Jonathan went to fetch the leash from the car so we could go for a walk . Isabel came back to me and the neighbor called , " How 's the baby ? " My initial response , the one I had to bite back , was " Hopefully fine . We left her sleeping in the house so we could take the dog for a walk . " I passed the dog over to Jonathan and walked over to her driveway . I couldn 't very well stand in my driveway and shout over that the baby was dead . So I walked over and told her and it was unpleasant . I am thankful she asked since no one else on the block has . Plus she is a bit of a gossip hound so word will spread and we won 't have to tell anyone else . She said she was sorry , which is where she should 've stopped , followed by two comments that left me reeling . Comment One : " Well , at least you are over the worst of it now . " If you have not birthed a child and then felt her go limp in your arms , please don 't tell me what the worst is and that I am over it . I have learned that things can always get worse , so please recant that platitude . Comment Two : At least Isabel won 't have any competition . This one left me speechless , which is pretty hard to do . If you have not lost a child , here is a bit of advice : Say I 'm sorry , then shut your mouth . We who have lPosted by When life becomes too much , I read . Cracking open a book has always been a respite . Turning the pages and becoming lost in a story provides the room to breathe and regroup . The last few days have not been good ones . I 've regressed to retreat and hide mode . Historically , churches have provided sanctuary to those who request it , and lately I have spent a lot of time knocking on the covers of books and seeking sanctuary . I 'm inching through the days and I 'm pretty sure I 'm teetering on the brink of depression , rocking back and forth on the edge , and doing my best not to tumble over . I 'm reading books as if consuming words as fast as I can , until I become stuffed and sick with stories , will rescue me . My head is so full of sorrow I cannot abide there anymore so I am packing up and moving into books . Right after Charlotte died I had a really hard time reading and I couldn 't focus on anything . I really wanted to read , to escape , but the text overwhelmed me . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . On May 26th I wrote this in my personal journal : Where is the comfort , books ? Why can 't I get lost in a good story , or even a stupid one ? I start to read , my eyes lose focus and I go somewhere else for a while . Thirty seconds , two minutes , or five minutes later I snap back to reality and realize I 've been reading the book , flipping pages , moving through chapters , but I haven 't processed anything . I find this spacing out completely disturbing . I don 't know where I go or what happens during the time I am there . Is my brain processing my horrific loss when I lose focus and stare into space ? It happens when I am alone and when I am with people . No one has commented on it yet . I don 't know if they haven 't noticed or if they are too polite to say anything . I am never aware it is happening . Throughout the day I have moments where I will suddenly come to , as if I am awakening from a quick nap , and I 'll realize I have no recollection of the past few seconds or minutes . FolAngela Today was a blah day . I mean really pathetically blah . I didn 't do anything all day . I sat on the couch , streamed Boston Med , and felt sorry for myself . All . Day . Long . I ate a bit of cereal and some chips and felt sorry for myself . I watched episode after episode of Boston Med and thought about how there are no guarantees in life ; we may die at any moment and death does not care about our age , our sex , our religious background , our race - it just takes . Around 3 : 30 I rolled off the couch and made myself take a shower . I watered the flowers , cut and plated the brownies I made the night before , and prepared myself for an evening with friends . Good friends , lovely friends , but friends whose second baby was born one month before ours died . We both cried on the drive over , but the night out ended up being a good thing . Nights with these friends always end up being a good thing . I played with their 22 month old . I held their 3 month old . We ate hamburgers and brownies and we laughed a lot . We laughed and laughed and laughed . There has been so much crying lately , the laughter feels good . We stayed at their house until midnight and then we drove home exhausted . Friends like these don 't come along very often . When they do I think it 's important to keep them close , hug them often , and be grateful for them . Two days after Charlotte died they were at our house with food , tears , hugs , and prayer . I have a tribe comprised of family and friends . When I met these people nearly a year ago I thought , I want to add them to my tribe , but I don 't know if we will mesh well . Nearly a year later and I feel as if we have been through a lifetime together and they are certainly part of my tribe . ( I have no idea if you guys read this blog , but should you happen to , I love you ) . Today was hard . I had one of those days where I sat on the couch and felt desperately sad . The kind of sad where I have to tell myself over and over , I can get through this , I will get through this . I talked to Charlotte a lot today . I always know I 'm having a bad daPosted by This morning was my first attempt at Aquafit . I was a bit of a failure , but I enjoyed bouncing around in the pool for an hour . The instructor told us what to do , but didn 't tell anyone they were doing the exercises wrong . Well , except for the one time she corrected me . It 's a random grouping of people and there is no real order to the class . A lot of people do their own thing . There was a sweet older man , the only man in the class , who had his own exercise program going . I liked him a lot . We were kindred souls ; both a little lost and confused as to what we were supposed to be doing . After the class my friend and I could not get the combination lock on our locker open . My friend had to go find someone to cut the lock off with bolt cutters . I was waiting for her by the locker when a group of 4 and 5 year old girls came through . They surrounded me and started taking off their bathing suits . One little girl came up to me and asked for help with something . I leaned down to ask her what she needed , but the adult that was watching them called her over and apologized for bothering me . And of course my heart seized as I thought about how Charlotte will never be 4 or 5 . After the lock was cut off we still could not get the locker open so a maintenance guy came down and smashed it open . It was very dramatic . The entire time my friend and I were hanging out in our bathing suits , shivering , and desperate to get back in our clothes . We picked her boys up from the on site child care and headed for the parking lot . I carried her 17 month old to the car and strapped him in his car seat . I wonder if I will always be the friend who carries others babies . The friend who helps wrangle everyone else 's kids instead of having my own to wrangle . After my friend dropped me off I made a good lunch for myself ( whole wheat wrap with cream cheese , turkey , greens , and spinach & a banana ) and started thinking about this new routine I 've started . I was careful about my diet and I exercised when I was pregnant with Charlotte , but I don 't know if Posted by I wrote out a post , went to publish it , and deleted the entire thing . Somehow it didn 't save as I was typing it . Frustrated . And taking it as a sign to go in a different direction . Are you tired of me yet ? I certainly am . Every night I feel the urge to sit down and write out how I 'm feeling . It won 't remove the pain , but it lessens the sting a bit . I may be repeating myself , in fact I 'm sure I am , but I need these words on this page . I need to say over and over , I 'm sad , I 'm lost , it hurts , I miss her . So . I 'm sad . I 'm lost . It hurts . I miss her . I 'm exhausted , worn out , wrung out . I am angry . Upset by the unfairness . And I 'm tired of listening to my words and living in my head . This is what I really want to say tonight : Charlotte , " Your absence has gone through me Like thread through a needle . Everything I do is stitched with its color . " W . S . Merwin - Separation I have some things to do tomorrow and then I am staying in bed for the rest of the week . It 's all too much right now . Charlotte , I can 't believe I tucked this scrap of paper in a drawer . I think I will add it to the pictures I am putting in your photo album . Your daddy really wanted to name you Quinn . I liked Harper . And initially I thought you would be Madeline . When the ultrasound tech said you were definitely a girl I sat up on the table , hugged my belly , and thought , hello Madeline . I love the name Lorelai , but it means seductive temptress and that did not sit well with me . Your daddy and I would pick a name from the list and try it out for a few days . One day I started calling you Charlotte and we never moved to the next name on the list . I loved the name Ava Grace , but daddy didn 't like it . However , he let me use Ava as your middle name since I was so attached to it . And that is how you , my dear , went from Blueberry to Charlotte Ava to Little Bird . I 've been missing you a lot lately . I will be doing fine , going about my day , and then suddenly I will start crying . I was fine all day today . Then 5 : 00 rolled around and I ended up lying on the couch , on my stomach , feet in the air , and sobbing . I just miss you constantly , Charlotte , and I haven 't figured out how to make the ache go away . I 'm actually not sure I want to make the ache go away . It 's just so hard to always feel like something is missing . My arms long to hold you . I carried you your entire life , baby girl , but I wish I had one moment , just one , when you were alive and in my arms and looking into my eyes . I 'm sad tonight . Very , very sad . Missing you so much it hurts . You were loved . ( You are loved ) . You were wanted . That 's all I really want you to know tonight . Love forever - Mama What do you think of my new look ? The husband did it for me . Much love to him . He is still working on it , but I like it so far . We finally got our stove today ! It took us a long time to find one for a good price . It needs a bit of cleaning , but it will be worth it . And of course it will be in the fireplace instead of sitting on the hearth . This stove was supposed to keep me and Charlotte warm through the long , rainy Oregon winter . I am excited to have it , but so sad because I imagined toasty days at home with my baby girl . This Christmas we were going to have a roaring fire , hot chocolate , a baby , and much love . Now that Charlotte is gone Christmas has been cancelled . I don 't know where I will be for Christmas , but there is no way I am sticking around . On Wednesday I am starting an Aquafit class with a friend . She is kind and doesn 't mind the odd brand of crazy I bring with me these days . I contacted her to ask if we could work out together one day a week . Maybe we could go swimming at the Y since we both have family memberships . She e - mailed me with the details for the Aquafit class and said she could pick me up . I love this friend . I toss out an idea and she comes back with a plan . The only thing I had to decide is whether we would go Wednesday or Friday morning . We agreed to go Wednesday , we set everything up , and then I panicked a bit . I didn 't like trying new things before Charlotte died . Now it 's pretty much a foregone conclusion that if you want me to try something new it 's not going to happen . I sent her an e - mail asking if I had to get my head wet , because I really don 't like getting my head wet , and maybe this wasn 't such a good idea after all , hmmm ? She calmly replied that since it was a fitness class in a pool my head would probably get wet . Then she promised if I didn 't like it we could try something else . I apologized for being whiny and we agreed she would pick me up at 8 : 30 . I 'm scared and nervous so I am fretting about my bathing suit now . I can get it over my hips , but it 's a tight squeeze . It dPosted by Let me start with a request : Please go give Jennifer some love . Her sweet Kai was born still on June 16th . And sorry for two posts in one day . My visit with Dr . B , the naturopath , went really well . I am going off the thyroid medication ! It is going to take time , it means pushing our trying to conceive plan back a month or two , but for the first time in five years I am going to be medication free . I am switching from medication to natural supplements and that makes me feel much better about a second pregnancy ( fingers crossed , toes too ) . I love Dr . B . A lot . My appointment was a full hour , I talked about many things , and I didn 't cry even though it was strangely akin to therapy . My favorite moment was when she looked at me and said , " I want to rescue you and put you back together . " Oh , well , please do . I would appreciate that ever so much . One simple sentence and yet with those words I shed a great deal of anxiety . I offloaded a bit of this journey into her capable hands and I realized that this is what we do with our grief . We parcel it out , bit by bit , until we have a small enough amount we can carry it around without buckling under the weight . Many friends and family members have a piece of my grief . The wonderful BLM I have " met " have a piece , but they have theirs to carry too , so it is more of a juggling act . Every time I read about a new mama who has joined this sad group ( we really are trying to figure out how to close down membership ) I take their little one 's name and place it ever so gently in the corner of my heart reserved for those special souls . How many names can one little heart corner hold ? More than I thought possible . Way too many . ( Insert random wandering thought : Whenever I think of you baby loss mamas this quote from one of Anne Lamott 's essays comes to mind : " . . . This is life 's nature : that lives and hearts get broken - those of people we love , those of people we 'll never meet . . . . the world sometimes feels like the waiting room of the emergency ward and we who are more or less OK for now neePosted by As you all know I 've been trying my hardest to outrun the grief . Feet to the ground , running my heart out , focusing on getting away . Guess what ? It didn 't work out for me . Surprise , surprise . Grief caught up to me last night and made its presence known with a full on tackle from behind that slammed my body into the ground . Face meet dirt , meet tears , meet screaming . Last night was not as bad as the first few nights after Charlotte died , but it was reminiscent , there were faint echoes of that time . Once again I was a collapsed heap on the bed , sobbing , wondering where my daughter was , what I did wrong . Nine weeks ago I screamed at the top of my lungs for Charlotte . I screamed " Where 's my baby ? I want my baby ! " over and over while the equally upset , but less able to express it , husband sat near me and rubbed my back . Last night was same story , different day , but with whispering instead of shouting . I went to the dark place , friends . I hate the dark place . For days I 've been circling the dark place like an anxious dog protecting its pack from a potential attack . There is a path worn around my dark place , but I have managed to avoid going through the gate . I have walked to the gate , warm hand on cool iron , pulled it towards me , inhaled a great big yoga breath , prepared to step in , and then walked away . The gate slams with a great clang , metal ringing against metal , and I scamper away , unscathed . Last night there was no flirting with the gate . Last night was a sudden tackle to the ground and then grief picked me up , flung open the gate , tossed me inside the dark place , locked the gate , and walked away whistling with his hands in his pockets . I hate you , grief . I do believe I am putting too much pressure on myself . I feel a great need to not be here anymore , in the early stages of grief , so I am trying to force my way forward . Obviously that 's not working . I have been so focused on doing well and making progress I forgot to make room for falling apart . I have now learned that if you don 't make room for Posted by First day back at the bookstore . I got up , dropped Jonathan off at work , because his car is in the shop AGAIN , came home , got ready and went on in . Scary . I stayed in the back , hidden in the office I used to share with a co - worker . I worked on data entry . It was nice , simple . I didn 't have to think , which is a nice break right now . I don 't really feel like I 'm working , because I am not getting paid . I work , I get books . The perfect combination for me . Low key , no pressure . It 's hard to be back at the store , to remember the years I was there before Charlotte , and the months I worked there with Charlotte growing in my belly . There are a lot of questions I cannot answer right now , but I can sit in the back of the bookstore , take one catalog into my hands at a time , and input information . I can flip through the glossy pages and know I ordered a title in hardcover and it sold well so I should order it in paperback . There is comfort in the familiar , in the knowledge that I can still do the book buying thing even if I failed at the mothering thing . Next week I go back . One day a week , one catalog at a time until I figure out where to go from here . Love to the owner who lets me float in and out , on my own time , in my own grief space ; a space that requires no real commitment just in case I wake up to a bad day and am unable to get past the ' put on yoga pants , sit on the couch ' stage of my day . I 'm a bit of a mess . Okay , I 'm a lot of a mess . I feel like I 'm doing okay , but when I sit quietly by myself I realize I am skimming over Charlotte constantly . My mind races , I am always thinking , and whenever my thoughts land on Charlotte , which is about every other second , I shoot off in a different direction as soon as I can . If I think about her I cry . If I think about her I get angry . If I think about her I fear I will start screaming and never stop . If I think about her I start asking questions and wondering why I am driving down the road on a beautiful summer day with no baby car seat in the back . If I think Posted by Can you believe it , Charlotte ? Two months without you . I feel like I 've lived ten years of sorrow , but it 's only been eight weeks . You are forever loved and forever missed . Every moment of every day I think of your beautiful face and your short , lovely life . I finally received my memorial necklace ! I picked out what I wanted , but it 's from all of your grandparents . We are still waiting on your daddy 's ring . I love having a reminder of you I can carry with me . The front is your hand and foot print along with an emerald for your birth stone . Both of the charms have your name and date of birth on the back . Someday I would like to find a chest I can put everything in . For now you have these three memorial boxes . One from the hospital , one from the church we attended in McMinnville , and one from your Aunt Christina . Your sweet hand and foot prints . You had so much hair baby girl . It was long enough that it curled up just a bit at the sides . And you had eyebrows ! I 've seen a lot of babies that look eyebrow - less , but I could definitely see yours . Here is your birth announcement / memorial card . We sent this to everyone . Close family , the chiropractor , work friends , and anyone who sent us a card in the mail . We are so proud of you and wanted to share your sweet face with the world . Your grandmother , Sasa , and I picked out these flowers today . They are going to go next to our Charlotte rose . Once we receive your memorial stone I will get your corner of the garden all set up . The Charlotte rose Sasa and Granddad picked out . They have one in their garden and your other grandparents have one in theirs too . I love this outfit . People warned me you may not fit in newborn clothes because you could be too small or too big . I packed this in your bag just in case you were big . It was a 3 month outfit . I think it would 've been a while before you grew into it . This bracelet was made for us by Jessi 's mom . Jessi is a good friend and you share a birthday with her . From Aunt Emily and Uncle Ryan . We have lots of toys and stuffed animals I Posted by Tomorrow is the official two month mark and I feel absolutely , completely stuck . I can 't go back , but I 'm not sure if I can go forward either . I think I need to break out of my routine . The dead baby routine of no work , no Charlotte , lots of sitting at home immobile . But I 'm not sure if I am ready to go back to work . I am going in on Thursday to do a few things , but it 's all going to be behind the scenes . I 'm not sure I can commit to work again . I have plenty of days where I sit on the couch unable to move for the sadness . I think I am confused that this is my life now . All that is required of me is to get through each day . My husband works , he works hard , and his job pays him well enough that I can sit on this couch day after day . He doesn 't require anything from me . A clean house is nice , coming home to dinner is nice , but he doesn 't expect me to do anything . He understands that I need some time to absorb what has happened to us . But I feel terrible because he had two weeks and then he was thrown back into the fray . Each day patients ask him if he has a family , if he has kids , and he has to slog through that question again and again and I 'm not sure how he does it . I 've been doing my best not to cry lately . There comes a point when a person just cannot cry anymore . It 's wearying , tiresome , annoying even . I 've put away most of Charlotte 's things . Looking at them is hard and usually makes me cry so I am spending some time without them in my face . Of course there are things that will never be put away . The spot above the fireplace will always be hers , I think . It 's not like I want to erase Charlotte , but it 's been two months and I have to step back from the intense grieving for a while . I am feeling the need to go forward , to wrench my feet out of this heavy grief that is reminiscent of drying cement . I fear if I stay here too long I will be forever immobile . I will sit on this couch the rest of my life , stare at that little spot above the fireplace , and become so scared of living I simply stop doing so . I think it 's time to make decisions about life and work . I go back and forth on going back to the bookstore . I 'm not even sure if there is a place for me there anymore . I was supposed to waltz off into the next stage of my life , but the music has been turned off and I can 't expect everything to be in place , waiting for me to crawl back , wounded , upset , barely functioning some days . I haven 't felt uncertainty about my future in years . I mentioned feeling like I was back in junior high in a previous post and today I feel like I 'm in high school and trying to decide what step to take next . I feel as if I am standing on a cliff above a canyon screaming , " What do I do with my life ? ! " and in return receiving only a faint echo ; my voice returned to me devoid of answers or ideas . I was supposed to be a mama who stayed at home with her daughter . I wrapped my identity in that notion and now that it has been ripped away from me I feel quite lost . I wanted to give myself some time before we tried again . Mainly so I could heal physically , but also because I am scared of being due in May again . Now I 'm wondering if we shouldn 't wait . Perhaps the joy of having a new life to hope for will eclipse the worry and pain . Somehow I doubt it . Apparently for me losing my daughter is tantamount to losing myself . I am not enjoying it . Received medical records from Life Flight and the hospital today . Ugh . It 's important to have these things as we go forward , meet with the perinatologist , try to decide what to do next . But why do I sit down and read them ? My favorite part from the hospital report is when the phrase " impending doom for the patient " is tossed out . Impending doom . Really ? What a way to put it . Still waiting for the autopsy report . I 'm afraid I may have to request it again . My poor baby . Less than two hours of life outside of me and those two hours were chaotic . I think I will tuck these papers in the folder labeled ' C - Medical Information ' and not look at them for a while . My sleep patterns are wonky . I need to buckle down , take the Valerian root , drink the sleepy tea , get back in a routine . I 'm running on three to five hours of sleep a night and doing okay with it . For now . I read constantly . Book after book after book . Out of these books come words and impressions and images I want to save . So many things remind me of Charlotte now . I am rereading a lot of books . Going back to the ones that have brought me comfort before . I write down quote after quote and I have finally decided to put them all in one place . It 's creeping up on 1 am so I am going to put down the books , shut down the laptop , creep into the bedroom where my husband and the dog sleep peacefully , and try to sleep . You stand up . Stretch . Look around . Something is missing . Or maybe you are forgetting something . You pat your pockets . Look around once more . You check the ground , the chair next to you , the kitchen table . You wander the house looking in each room . You see nothing , shrug , and turn to leave . As you start to walk away you pause . Perhaps this is past you , not present you . You place a hand on your belly . Flat . Well , almost flat . Not as flat as it used to be , but certainly not as round as it used to be either . That answers that . Definitely present you . As one final test you touch a hand to your arm , to your bare skin . Ouch . The simplest touch stings . Yes . It is the present . You are open wound you . A new you that still requires adjusting to . You wake up each morning , look in the mirror , and startle . Day in , day out . Present you looks old , worn out , gray , awful and it is disquieting and unsettling each time you see it . You continue to walk away , still confused , still looking around for what is missing . Then you remember . When you came to this place next you were supposed to have a person with you . You are not missing something , but someone . The next family gathering , the next trip to the bookstore , the grocery store , every trip from this moment on there was supposed to be another person with you . Every time you left the house you carried that person with you and now suddenly she is disappeared . How can you lose a person so quickly ? From there to gone in an hour and a half . It is incredible . Life altering . It makes you respect life and what comes after . You pause , one hand on the door , certain that someone is coming . You fool yourself into believing time has sped up . They are in the other room . They are walking , talking , things you thought you would never see , and they are in the other room and soon they will walk out , reach for your hand , and you will proceed together . You snap out of that dream , turn , and walk out the door . You know . It is hard to admit , but you do know . You are the one who has been left behind . You arPosted by I had a good day yesterday . I went to McMinnville with my mom and bought a fabulous dress that was on sale . I snagged some books at my favorite bookstore ( the to read pile is out of control . I also have two ' need to read someday ' shelves . . . . ) . I talked with a midwife I haven 't seen since Charlotte died , received some good serious hugs , ate lunch at The Sage , ate dinner at Adam 's Rib Smokehouse , ate more food than I have in a long time , and had my first good Friday since Charlotte died . Today we went to the river with the dog . She loves to swim and we have not taken her out as often as we should . It was nice to have a few good moments . I 've been struggling with who I am now that Charlotte is dead . I 've spent a lot of time reflecting on who I am , who I was and who I want to be now that my life is going in a completely different direction . Isn 't grief fun ? This crisis of self makes me feel like I 'm back in junior high . Although if I had this hair and these clothes in junior high life may have been a little easier . After a lot of soul searching this is what I have discovered : I will never be this girl again : ( age 18 ) I think yesterday when I put on Brand New Day by Joshua Radin I actually believed the lyrics . And I can honestly say " for the first time in such a long , long time I know I 'll be okay . . . " To the baby loss mamas who are having a hard time right now know this : 8 weeks was my magic spot . I was dreading Friday , but I ended up having a good day . It gets easier , I promise . If you feel like there may not be any good days in your future , know that you will smile again and one day you will laugh and you won 't feel guilty for laughing . I wanted to hug the world because I felt so good yesterday . 8 weeks ago I would 've punched anyone who told me that was a possibility . Good days are coming , better times are coming . I miss my baby every moment of every day , but this grief is getting easier to carry around . One last thing : Please don 't laugh at me , or bring this post to my attention a week from now when I am once again knocked off my feet by grief . I 'm on an up wave and I 'm going to enjoy it while it lasts because I know just how hard the down waves are . I 've been feeling discontented lately . The anger has been all - consuming and I don 't like that . In trying to shake it off I sat , went deep into my head , and thought about Charlotte 's birth . I 've talked about it , I 've written it out , but I haven 't sat with it . In doing so I realized I needed to process the incredible emotions that come with birth before I could move forward . Birth is a contentious topic . People have strong , fierce , insane emotions and thoughts about birth . My personal belief is that most babies don 't need to be born in hospitals . I believe most hospital maternal care is cold , distant and unkind to women . Of course there are exceptions to every rule , but the majority of hospitals wrest control from the birthing mother 's hands and apply medical processes to a normal , natural procedure . Have I ever given birth in a hospital ? No . But I have talked to lots of women , read many birth stories , and watched a few documentaries . Even though my baby died I believe low risk babies should be born out of the hospital . I am incredibly grateful to whomever nudged me in the direction of an out of hospital birth . When the birthing center first showed up on the winding country road I drove to and from work I thought , my babies will be born there . After a few conversations with people in the medical field I dropped that idea like a hot potato . Birth was DANGEROUS and should not be attempted out of a hospital setting . Then I got pregnant and the midwife group associated with the local hospital failed me . The receptionist I talked to was horrendous to me . I nervously called my husband 's co - worker 's wife who had just announced her pregnancy . She had tried the midwives linked to the local hospital , found them lacking , and was having her second at the birthing center . After talking to her , praying a lot , and an introductory visit to the birth center , I decided to proceed with the birth I wanted . I was a little smug about my choice to have Charlotte out of hospital . We live in a twisted culture where womePosted by That is the best phrase for how I am feeling . Trying to work through some things . Calm down some . I need to eat better and more often . I need to get more sleep . I need to work through the incredible rage that has cropped up recently . I don 't feel very sad - a little lost , but not sad . I think I 'm going to be quiet for a day or two . Sit with myself , work through some things . I 'm putting myself in time out , if you will . My sister and I were talking the other day and she said I 'm on an island , the island of Angela . Yes , I am . And this island is small . Few can fit on my island and even fewer are allowed . Every now and then I will send a boat to someone on shore , but usually I am here alone . And for a couple of days there will be no boats . There will be no invitations to keep me company . There will be no communication with the outside world . I am no longer comfortable with myself , with sitting in silence and doing nothing . This inability to sit with my own thoughts feels like a betrayal , or even a secondary loss . There are so many questions bouncing around in my mind . I 've always been comfortable rambling about in my head and if I have lost that ability have I lost the person I knew as Angela ? Do I need to start over from scratch here or can I proceed with a few changes - some minor and possibly , if the need arises , major shifts ? I suppose I am suffering from a strange mixture of confusion and the inability to follow my own story line . In such a short amount of time I went from anticipating being a parent to being a mama to mourning my baby . It feels like my life was a puzzle and I was doing a darn good job of putting it together , everything was fitting and the picture was shaping up nicely . Now the pieces are jagged , nothing makes sense , and the end result is so hazy I can no longer imagine what it may look like . I need to work through some things and see if I can find any fragments of the person I was before my beautiful daughter crashed into and out of this world so fast I was left stranded on an island grasping atPosted by Charlotte , When I think of you , of where you are , a meadow comes to mind . That meadow is in heaven for I believe that is where you are and where I will be someday too . You are a toddler , two , maybe three . You have red blonde curly hair , just like I knew you would . You are wearing pink rain boots , even though the sun is shining . Maybe because we live in Oregon and I was looking forward to buying you pink rain boots ? You are wearing a skirt and a little sweater and you , my dear , are beautiful . You are surrounded by friends . Your laugh rings across the meadow and you run and run and run with your friends . I imagine you surrounded by the babies that belong to the mamas I have met . It helps me to think of you playing with babies I know . I know their stories , I know why they left this earth and I imagine all of you running through that meadow and having a wonderful time . Each baby has a name that floats above their head and every time I encounter another parent who has lost a child one more baby in the meadow is named . The meadow is filled with butterflies , dragonflies , birds , flowers and other small tokens that remind the left behind parents of their children . Every now and again a child will stop and pick up a butterfly , or lean into a bird sitting on a low tree branch and whisper , " Go . Go see my mama and my daddy . They are sad today . They need to remember me and know I am okay . " There is a path that runs along one side of the meadow . Each day a select few will stop what they are doing . They will drop everything , stand , and say , " Oh , is it that time already ? " The other children will keep playing , keep running , but those few precious children will break from the circle and run for the path . And there , in the shadow of giant trees , they will be swept up into their mama or daddy 's arms and be held and rocked and kissed and loved . Someday Charlotte we will meet on that path . It is not my time yet , baby girl . Enjoy spending time with your friends . Run , play , be forever young , but know I am here thinking of you , loving you , Posted by |
This is where I blog about life , love and grief . I have three children , one who watches over me from the skies , and two who have brought much joy to my life after a very dark time . I write about everything from birth to cooking to babies to grief to Jesus . Welcome to my little corner of the world . I 'm a stay at home mama to three babies : Bennett and Ainsleigh live with us , and Charlotte lives with Jesus . This is where I write about my life and loves . For more information click on my picture or the ' about me ' tab . Or contact me at littlebird0514 @ gmail . com . I think one of the hardest things about being a baby loss mama is the loneliness . The only people who understand how hard it is are fellow baby loss mamas . Men experience loss and grief so differently it is possible to spend many hours in the company of someone who was there every moment of your pregnancy and still feel alone when it ends . You carried the baby . You birthed the child and then she died . He stood by you , helpless , and desperate to save the baby , but his experiences are different . You both feel failure , but it 's so different for each of you it could almost be labeled something else . And this is where I admit that a baby dying is hell on a marriage . I don 't say much about my marriage here , because it is sacred and I feel protective of it . But I will confess that we have had more " I feel " discussions in the last eleven weeks than I thought we would in our entire life together . Sometimes it 's like a constant therapy session around here , but we are communicating and that is so important right now . Still , though , I 'm lonely . Yesterday I stopped at Burgerville on the way home from Dr . B 's office . I cannot drive by a Burgerville without purchasing food . It 's fast food , but it 's made with local ingredients . And it is so darn good . I was sitting at a table eating my lunch and I felt so lost I thought I was going to cry . I always have a book with me , but I forgot to put one in the car this morning so I felt a little naked . When I was pregnant with Charlotte I wouldn 't have minded sitting by myself , eating lunch , dreaming about my girl . Sitting there yesterday I felt my loss . I literally felt as if there was a giant hole in the middle of my chest where she should be . I carried her for 38 weeks and I fully expected to become a baby wearin ' mama and carry her for many weeks after she was born . So there I was , in the middle of a crowded restaurant , lip quivering , eating a cheeseburger , and trying to make it through lunch . This is what sucks about being a baby loss mama . Feeling so alone and sPosted by I 'm at 40 + followers . Wow . Way back in 2008 when I started this blog I would write every so often and I don 't think anyone read it . Now I write nearly every day and quite a few people are reading . Thank you . I 'm here , grieving and living my life , and I am so glad you all are listening . Today was appointment # 2 with Dr . B . I like her a lot . She greeted me with a hug and " I am so excited to see you ! " Dr . B and my midwives have spoiled me . This is the kind of medical care I expect now ; personal and kind with lots of hugs and encouragement . Dr . B was very proud of me for doing Aquafit . If you give me praise , or a cookie , I will do something I hate doing . I never thought I would be the type of person who exercises . Now I 'm walking four days a week , doing Aquafit once a week , and lifting my 5 lb . weights twice a week . All Dr . B has to say is " I 'm so proud of you . That 's a great step ! " and I continue on despite the little monster in my head who will not stop whining about how hard this all is . I was very excited to show Dr . B that I am tremor free ( first time in six years ! ) and she was so pleased she removed the PTU from the list completely . No more weaning , no dropping to 1 / 2 pill a day . As of today I am medication free . It 's making me a little giddy . I went from two little pills a day to this : It is so worth it . I 'm learning new skills too . See that little bag of herbs ? I can make my own tea now ! Dr . B and I talked about my breathing issues a bit too . She said they are fixable . I nearly fell off my chair . I haven 't been able to run for years . Can she possibly make everything better ? I am beginning to suspect she may be some sort of genie . When I explained my breathing problems to Dr . B she told me that according to Chinese medicine we carry our grief in our lungs . That makes sense to me . There have been so many moments since Charlotte died when I have felt unable to breathe , or take a deep breath . So first we are going to get the thyroid into shape and then the lungs . It feels good to be proactive about my health . I haPosted by Isn 't it strange when you scream at the universe and it responds ? After my post on guilt and wanting to know why Charlotte died I came across the line that is the title of this post in The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot . ( Amazing book , one of my top reads for this year ) . And I thought I may be able to live with the unanswered questions surrounding Charlotte 's death . Perhaps knowing would satisfy my curiousity , but also lead to more hurt . If I can have a second baby and he or she lives , maybe not knowing is okay . Then , yesterday , late afternoon , the autopsy report arrived with the mail . I ditched my Zen attitude regarding knowledge and hardship and tore into the envelope . No answers . I didn 't think there would be . I think we would 've been notified by phone had they found something significant , but I am human and we humans tend towards hope . The main finding is that " it looked as though she had lungs of those of a stillborn . " We were told this over the phone a few weeks ago so that was not a surprise to me . However , when I think about those words I wonder if she would 've died in my womb if I carried her past 38 weeks . I went into labor naturally , my water broke , but in that alternate universe that exists somewhere in my mind I wonder if I am a mama of a baby born still at 40 weeks gestation . But then I also have another alternate universe in some other corner of my mind where I am a mama to a living baby who will be 11 weeks tomorrow . ( If someone could tell me how to get to that universe I would gladly follow them ) . Here is the amazing bit about the autopsy report : receiving it didn 't flatten me . I was happy all day , and I was still happy after reading it . I didn 't cry . I didn 't feel angry . Mostly I felt shock that I will never know C 's first word , her favorite book , her favorite color , the person she would be at 2 , 26 , or 40 , but I do know how much her brain weighed and that her heart was perfectly formed . In a way , and this is going to sound rather strange , reading the autopsy report makes me Posted by I am having a good day . Can you believe it ? I have been so down the past few days . So full up of anxiety , sadness , and grief I felt as if I might float away . I woke up this morning and the last thing I wanted to do was go to Aquafit . But my friend was coming to pick me up at 8 : 30 and I couldn 't very well hide while she sat in the driveway wondering where I was . I trudged out to her car , we drove to the Y , got changed and then jumped in the water for class . And I had a really good time . I worked hard today . When we were in the deep end , doing sets of crunches , then relaxing , I felt better then I have in days . I was on my back , one noodle under my arms , one under my feet , floating , focusing on my breathing and completely calm . Do you ever have moments where you let yourself go and just exist ? It was like that . I was completely in the moment and I felt so weightless ( okay , you can probably attribute that to the pool ) and serene . Afterwards I felt like I had washed out my brain and left a lot of my anxiety at the bottom of the pool . Then we went to Costco for milk and some other things . Soon after Charlotte died I bought a pair of black capri pants at Costco and I have been living in them . I really wanted a pair in gray , but when I checked all they had were size 2 and size 4 . When we went today they had one pair in my size in gray . Very exciting . Now I can alternate between the black and the gray . ( This is my life now . I get excited about pants ) . Lately I 've felt as if the whole universe is against me ( I have a healthy ego ) and when I saw one pair of gray pants laying on top of the pile and they were my size it felt like a much needed victory . When I got home I eased my sore self onto the couch to catch up on my blog reading . And guess what ? I won a giveaway ! I never win anything . I did an impromptu happy dance on the couch when I saw my name on Kristin 's blog . I already have a beautiful necklace for Charlotte , but I can 't wait to get one with her name on the front . I will wear it and be proud of my sweet girl . Then , Posted by In the past few days I 've found myself circling back to guilt . I thought I was done with guilt , but I guess it still wants to hang with me for a while . Like the tide , the feelings of guilt ebb and flow ; sometimes I walk and do not notice them , but other days they inch closer and closer until eventually they lap at my knees and try to pull my feet out from under me . What brought this on ? Lots of small incidents , but mainly the neighbor who put her foot in her mouth but good . I know it 's hard to come up with something to say when someone tells you their baby died . However , asking where the baby is in July , when you know she was due in May , is not the best place to start . Last night Isabel shot out the door , tore across the driveway and headed straight for this neighbor . I trailed after her and Jonathan went to fetch the leash from the car so we could go for a walk . Isabel came back to me and the neighbor called , " How 's the baby ? " My initial response , the one I had to bite back , was " Hopefully fine . We left her sleeping in the house so we could take the dog for a walk . " I passed the dog over to Jonathan and walked over to her driveway . I couldn 't very well stand in my driveway and shout over that the baby was dead . So I walked over and told her and it was unpleasant . I am thankful she asked since no one else on the block has . Plus she is a bit of a gossip hound so word will spread and we won 't have to tell anyone else . She said she was sorry , which is where she should 've stopped , followed by two comments that left me reeling . Comment One : " Well , at least you are over the worst of it now . " If you have not birthed a child and then felt her go limp in your arms , please don 't tell me what the worst is and that I am over it . I have learned that things can always get worse , so please recant that platitude . Comment Two : At least Isabel won 't have any competition . This one left me speechless , which is pretty hard to do . If you have not lost a child , here is a bit of advice : Say I 'm sorry , then shut your mouth . We who have lPosted by When life becomes too much , I read . Cracking open a book has always been a respite . Turning the pages and becoming lost in a story provides the room to breathe and regroup . The last few days have not been good ones . I 've regressed to retreat and hide mode . Historically , churches have provided sanctuary to those who request it , and lately I have spent a lot of time knocking on the covers of books and seeking sanctuary . I 'm inching through the days and I 'm pretty sure I 'm teetering on the brink of depression , rocking back and forth on the edge , and doing my best not to tumble over . I 'm reading books as if consuming words as fast as I can , until I become stuffed and sick with stories , will rescue me . My head is so full of sorrow I cannot abide there anymore so I am packing up and moving into books . Right after Charlotte died I had a really hard time reading and I couldn 't focus on anything . I really wanted to read , to escape , but the text overwhelmed me . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . On May 26th I wrote this in my personal journal : Where is the comfort , books ? Why can 't I get lost in a good story , or even a stupid one ? I start to read , my eyes lose focus and I go somewhere else for a while . Thirty seconds , two minutes , or five minutes later I snap back to reality and realize I 've been reading the book , flipping pages , moving through chapters , but I haven 't processed anything . I find this spacing out completely disturbing . I don 't know where I go or what happens during the time I am there . Is my brain processing my horrific loss when I lose focus and stare into space ? It happens when I am alone and when I am with people . No one has commented on it yet . I don 't know if they haven 't noticed or if they are too polite to say anything . I am never aware it is happening . Throughout the day I have moments where I will suddenly come to , as if I am awakening from a quick nap , and I 'll realize I have no recollection of the past few seconds or minutes . FolAngela Today was a blah day . I mean really pathetically blah . I didn 't do anything all day . I sat on the couch , streamed Boston Med , and felt sorry for myself . All . Day . Long . I ate a bit of cereal and some chips and felt sorry for myself . I watched episode after episode of Boston Med and thought about how there are no guarantees in life ; we may die at any moment and death does not care about our age , our sex , our religious background , our race - it just takes . Around 3 : 30 I rolled off the couch and made myself take a shower . I watered the flowers , cut and plated the brownies I made the night before , and prepared myself for an evening with friends . Good friends , lovely friends , but friends whose second baby was born one month before ours died . We both cried on the drive over , but the night out ended up being a good thing . Nights with these friends always end up being a good thing . I played with their 22 month old . I held their 3 month old . We ate hamburgers and brownies and we laughed a lot . We laughed and laughed and laughed . There has been so much crying lately , the laughter feels good . We stayed at their house until midnight and then we drove home exhausted . Friends like these don 't come along very often . When they do I think it 's important to keep them close , hug them often , and be grateful for them . Two days after Charlotte died they were at our house with food , tears , hugs , and prayer . I have a tribe comprised of family and friends . When I met these people nearly a year ago I thought , I want to add them to my tribe , but I don 't know if we will mesh well . Nearly a year later and I feel as if we have been through a lifetime together and they are certainly part of my tribe . ( I have no idea if you guys read this blog , but should you happen to , I love you ) . Today was hard . I had one of those days where I sat on the couch and felt desperately sad . The kind of sad where I have to tell myself over and over , I can get through this , I will get through this . I talked to Charlotte a lot today . I always know I 'm having a bad daPosted by This morning was my first attempt at Aquafit . I was a bit of a failure , but I enjoyed bouncing around in the pool for an hour . The instructor told us what to do , but didn 't tell anyone they were doing the exercises wrong . Well , except for the one time she corrected me . It 's a random grouping of people and there is no real order to the class . A lot of people do their own thing . There was a sweet older man , the only man in the class , who had his own exercise program going . I liked him a lot . We were kindred souls ; both a little lost and confused as to what we were supposed to be doing . After the class my friend and I could not get the combination lock on our locker open . My friend had to go find someone to cut the lock off with bolt cutters . I was waiting for her by the locker when a group of 4 and 5 year old girls came through . They surrounded me and started taking off their bathing suits . One little girl came up to me and asked for help with something . I leaned down to ask her what she needed , but the adult that was watching them called her over and apologized for bothering me . And of course my heart seized as I thought about how Charlotte will never be 4 or 5 . After the lock was cut off we still could not get the locker open so a maintenance guy came down and smashed it open . It was very dramatic . The entire time my friend and I were hanging out in our bathing suits , shivering , and desperate to get back in our clothes . We picked her boys up from the on site child care and headed for the parking lot . I carried her 17 month old to the car and strapped him in his car seat . I wonder if I will always be the friend who carries others babies . The friend who helps wrangle everyone else 's kids instead of having my own to wrangle . After my friend dropped me off I made a good lunch for myself ( whole wheat wrap with cream cheese , turkey , greens , and spinach & a banana ) and started thinking about this new routine I 've started . I was careful about my diet and I exercised when I was pregnant with Charlotte , but I don 't know if Posted by I wrote out a post , went to publish it , and deleted the entire thing . Somehow it didn 't save as I was typing it . Frustrated . And taking it as a sign to go in a different direction . Are you tired of me yet ? I certainly am . Every night I feel the urge to sit down and write out how I 'm feeling . It won 't remove the pain , but it lessens the sting a bit . I may be repeating myself , in fact I 'm sure I am , but I need these words on this page . I need to say over and over , I 'm sad , I 'm lost , it hurts , I miss her . So . I 'm sad . I 'm lost . It hurts . I miss her . I 'm exhausted , worn out , wrung out . I am angry . Upset by the unfairness . And I 'm tired of listening to my words and living in my head . This is what I really want to say tonight : Charlotte , " Your absence has gone through me Like thread through a needle . Everything I do is stitched with its color . " W . S . Merwin - Separation I have some things to do tomorrow and then I am staying in bed for the rest of the week . It 's all too much right now . Charlotte , I can 't believe I tucked this scrap of paper in a drawer . I think I will add it to the pictures I am putting in your photo album . Your daddy really wanted to name you Quinn . I liked Harper . And initially I thought you would be Madeline . When the ultrasound tech said you were definitely a girl I sat up on the table , hugged my belly , and thought , hello Madeline . I love the name Lorelai , but it means seductive temptress and that did not sit well with me . Your daddy and I would pick a name from the list and try it out for a few days . One day I started calling you Charlotte and we never moved to the next name on the list . I loved the name Ava Grace , but daddy didn 't like it . However , he let me use Ava as your middle name since I was so attached to it . And that is how you , my dear , went from Blueberry to Charlotte Ava to Little Bird . I 've been missing you a lot lately . I will be doing fine , going about my day , and then suddenly I will start crying . I was fine all day today . Then 5 : 00 rolled around and I ended up lying on the couch , on my stomach , feet in the air , and sobbing . I just miss you constantly , Charlotte , and I haven 't figured out how to make the ache go away . I 'm actually not sure I want to make the ache go away . It 's just so hard to always feel like something is missing . My arms long to hold you . I carried you your entire life , baby girl , but I wish I had one moment , just one , when you were alive and in my arms and looking into my eyes . I 'm sad tonight . Very , very sad . Missing you so much it hurts . You were loved . ( You are loved ) . You were wanted . That 's all I really want you to know tonight . Love forever - Mama What do you think of my new look ? The husband did it for me . Much love to him . He is still working on it , but I like it so far . We finally got our stove today ! It took us a long time to find one for a good price . It needs a bit of cleaning , but it will be worth it . And of course it will be in the fireplace instead of sitting on the hearth . This stove was supposed to keep me and Charlotte warm through the long , rainy Oregon winter . I am excited to have it , but so sad because I imagined toasty days at home with my baby girl . This Christmas we were going to have a roaring fire , hot chocolate , a baby , and much love . Now that Charlotte is gone Christmas has been cancelled . I don 't know where I will be for Christmas , but there is no way I am sticking around . On Wednesday I am starting an Aquafit class with a friend . She is kind and doesn 't mind the odd brand of crazy I bring with me these days . I contacted her to ask if we could work out together one day a week . Maybe we could go swimming at the Y since we both have family memberships . She e - mailed me with the details for the Aquafit class and said she could pick me up . I love this friend . I toss out an idea and she comes back with a plan . The only thing I had to decide is whether we would go Wednesday or Friday morning . We agreed to go Wednesday , we set everything up , and then I panicked a bit . I didn 't like trying new things before Charlotte died . Now it 's pretty much a foregone conclusion that if you want me to try something new it 's not going to happen . I sent her an e - mail asking if I had to get my head wet , because I really don 't like getting my head wet , and maybe this wasn 't such a good idea after all , hmmm ? She calmly replied that since it was a fitness class in a pool my head would probably get wet . Then she promised if I didn 't like it we could try something else . I apologized for being whiny and we agreed she would pick me up at 8 : 30 . I 'm scared and nervous so I am fretting about my bathing suit now . I can get it over my hips , but it 's a tight squeeze . It dPosted by Let me start with a request : Please go give Jennifer some love . Her sweet Kai was born still on June 16th . And sorry for two posts in one day . My visit with Dr . B , the naturopath , went really well . I am going off the thyroid medication ! It is going to take time , it means pushing our trying to conceive plan back a month or two , but for the first time in five years I am going to be medication free . I am switching from medication to natural supplements and that makes me feel much better about a second pregnancy ( fingers crossed , toes too ) . I love Dr . B . A lot . My appointment was a full hour , I talked about many things , and I didn 't cry even though it was strangely akin to therapy . My favorite moment was when she looked at me and said , " I want to rescue you and put you back together . " Oh , well , please do . I would appreciate that ever so much . One simple sentence and yet with those words I shed a great deal of anxiety . I offloaded a bit of this journey into her capable hands and I realized that this is what we do with our grief . We parcel it out , bit by bit , until we have a small enough amount we can carry it around without buckling under the weight . Many friends and family members have a piece of my grief . The wonderful BLM I have " met " have a piece , but they have theirs to carry too , so it is more of a juggling act . Every time I read about a new mama who has joined this sad group ( we really are trying to figure out how to close down membership ) I take their little one 's name and place it ever so gently in the corner of my heart reserved for those special souls . How many names can one little heart corner hold ? More than I thought possible . Way too many . ( Insert random wandering thought : Whenever I think of you baby loss mamas this quote from one of Anne Lamott 's essays comes to mind : " . . . This is life 's nature : that lives and hearts get broken - those of people we love , those of people we 'll never meet . . . . the world sometimes feels like the waiting room of the emergency ward and we who are more or less OK for now neePosted by As you all know I 've been trying my hardest to outrun the grief . Feet to the ground , running my heart out , focusing on getting away . Guess what ? It didn 't work out for me . Surprise , surprise . Grief caught up to me last night and made its presence known with a full on tackle from behind that slammed my body into the ground . Face meet dirt , meet tears , meet screaming . Last night was not as bad as the first few nights after Charlotte died , but it was reminiscent , there were faint echoes of that time . Once again I was a collapsed heap on the bed , sobbing , wondering where my daughter was , what I did wrong . Nine weeks ago I screamed at the top of my lungs for Charlotte . I screamed " Where 's my baby ? I want my baby ! " over and over while the equally upset , but less able to express it , husband sat near me and rubbed my back . Last night was same story , different day , but with whispering instead of shouting . I went to the dark place , friends . I hate the dark place . For days I 've been circling the dark place like an anxious dog protecting its pack from a potential attack . There is a path worn around my dark place , but I have managed to avoid going through the gate . I have walked to the gate , warm hand on cool iron , pulled it towards me , inhaled a great big yoga breath , prepared to step in , and then walked away . The gate slams with a great clang , metal ringing against metal , and I scamper away , unscathed . Last night there was no flirting with the gate . Last night was a sudden tackle to the ground and then grief picked me up , flung open the gate , tossed me inside the dark place , locked the gate , and walked away whistling with his hands in his pockets . I hate you , grief . I do believe I am putting too much pressure on myself . I feel a great need to not be here anymore , in the early stages of grief , so I am trying to force my way forward . Obviously that 's not working . I have been so focused on doing well and making progress I forgot to make room for falling apart . I have now learned that if you don 't make room for Posted by First day back at the bookstore . I got up , dropped Jonathan off at work , because his car is in the shop AGAIN , came home , got ready and went on in . Scary . I stayed in the back , hidden in the office I used to share with a co - worker . I worked on data entry . It was nice , simple . I didn 't have to think , which is a nice break right now . I don 't really feel like I 'm working , because I am not getting paid . I work , I get books . The perfect combination for me . Low key , no pressure . It 's hard to be back at the store , to remember the years I was there before Charlotte , and the months I worked there with Charlotte growing in my belly . There are a lot of questions I cannot answer right now , but I can sit in the back of the bookstore , take one catalog into my hands at a time , and input information . I can flip through the glossy pages and know I ordered a title in hardcover and it sold well so I should order it in paperback . There is comfort in the familiar , in the knowledge that I can still do the book buying thing even if I failed at the mothering thing . Next week I go back . One day a week , one catalog at a time until I figure out where to go from here . Love to the owner who lets me float in and out , on my own time , in my own grief space ; a space that requires no real commitment just in case I wake up to a bad day and am unable to get past the ' put on yoga pants , sit on the couch ' stage of my day . I 'm a bit of a mess . Okay , I 'm a lot of a mess . I feel like I 'm doing okay , but when I sit quietly by myself I realize I am skimming over Charlotte constantly . My mind races , I am always thinking , and whenever my thoughts land on Charlotte , which is about every other second , I shoot off in a different direction as soon as I can . If I think about her I cry . If I think about her I get angry . If I think about her I fear I will start screaming and never stop . If I think about her I start asking questions and wondering why I am driving down the road on a beautiful summer day with no baby car seat in the back . If I think Posted by Can you believe it , Charlotte ? Two months without you . I feel like I 've lived ten years of sorrow , but it 's only been eight weeks . You are forever loved and forever missed . Every moment of every day I think of your beautiful face and your short , lovely life . I finally received my memorial necklace ! I picked out what I wanted , but it 's from all of your grandparents . We are still waiting on your daddy 's ring . I love having a reminder of you I can carry with me . The front is your hand and foot print along with an emerald for your birth stone . Both of the charms have your name and date of birth on the back . Someday I would like to find a chest I can put everything in . For now you have these three memorial boxes . One from the hospital , one from the church we attended in McMinnville , and one from your Aunt Christina . Your sweet hand and foot prints . You had so much hair baby girl . It was long enough that it curled up just a bit at the sides . And you had eyebrows ! I 've seen a lot of babies that look eyebrow - less , but I could definitely see yours . Here is your birth announcement / memorial card . We sent this to everyone . Close family , the chiropractor , work friends , and anyone who sent us a card in the mail . We are so proud of you and wanted to share your sweet face with the world . Your grandmother , Sasa , and I picked out these flowers today . They are going to go next to our Charlotte rose . Once we receive your memorial stone I will get your corner of the garden all set up . The Charlotte rose Sasa and Granddad picked out . They have one in their garden and your other grandparents have one in theirs too . I love this outfit . People warned me you may not fit in newborn clothes because you could be too small or too big . I packed this in your bag just in case you were big . It was a 3 month outfit . I think it would 've been a while before you grew into it . This bracelet was made for us by Jessi 's mom . Jessi is a good friend and you share a birthday with her . From Aunt Emily and Uncle Ryan . We have lots of toys and stuffed animals I Posted by Tomorrow is the official two month mark and I feel absolutely , completely stuck . I can 't go back , but I 'm not sure if I can go forward either . I think I need to break out of my routine . The dead baby routine of no work , no Charlotte , lots of sitting at home immobile . But I 'm not sure if I am ready to go back to work . I am going in on Thursday to do a few things , but it 's all going to be behind the scenes . I 'm not sure I can commit to work again . I have plenty of days where I sit on the couch unable to move for the sadness . I think I am confused that this is my life now . All that is required of me is to get through each day . My husband works , he works hard , and his job pays him well enough that I can sit on this couch day after day . He doesn 't require anything from me . A clean house is nice , coming home to dinner is nice , but he doesn 't expect me to do anything . He understands that I need some time to absorb what has happened to us . But I feel terrible because he had two weeks and then he was thrown back into the fray . Each day patients ask him if he has a family , if he has kids , and he has to slog through that question again and again and I 'm not sure how he does it . I 've been doing my best not to cry lately . There comes a point when a person just cannot cry anymore . It 's wearying , tiresome , annoying even . I 've put away most of Charlotte 's things . Looking at them is hard and usually makes me cry so I am spending some time without them in my face . Of course there are things that will never be put away . The spot above the fireplace will always be hers , I think . It 's not like I want to erase Charlotte , but it 's been two months and I have to step back from the intense grieving for a while . I am feeling the need to go forward , to wrench my feet out of this heavy grief that is reminiscent of drying cement . I fear if I stay here too long I will be forever immobile . I will sit on this couch the rest of my life , stare at that little spot above the fireplace , and become so scared of living I simply stop doing so . I think it 's time to make decisions about life and work . I go back and forth on going back to the bookstore . I 'm not even sure if there is a place for me there anymore . I was supposed to waltz off into the next stage of my life , but the music has been turned off and I can 't expect everything to be in place , waiting for me to crawl back , wounded , upset , barely functioning some days . I haven 't felt uncertainty about my future in years . I mentioned feeling like I was back in junior high in a previous post and today I feel like I 'm in high school and trying to decide what step to take next . I feel as if I am standing on a cliff above a canyon screaming , " What do I do with my life ? ! " and in return receiving only a faint echo ; my voice returned to me devoid of answers or ideas . I was supposed to be a mama who stayed at home with her daughter . I wrapped my identity in that notion and now that it has been ripped away from me I feel quite lost . I wanted to give myself some time before we tried again . Mainly so I could heal physically , but also because I am scared of being due in May again . Now I 'm wondering if we shouldn 't wait . Perhaps the joy of having a new life to hope for will eclipse the worry and pain . Somehow I doubt it . Apparently for me losing my daughter is tantamount to losing myself . I am not enjoying it . Received medical records from Life Flight and the hospital today . Ugh . It 's important to have these things as we go forward , meet with the perinatologist , try to decide what to do next . But why do I sit down and read them ? My favorite part from the hospital report is when the phrase " impending doom for the patient " is tossed out . Impending doom . Really ? What a way to put it . Still waiting for the autopsy report . I 'm afraid I may have to request it again . My poor baby . Less than two hours of life outside of me and those two hours were chaotic . I think I will tuck these papers in the folder labeled ' C - Medical Information ' and not look at them for a while . My sleep patterns are wonky . I need to buckle down , take the Valerian root , drink the sleepy tea , get back in a routine . I 'm running on three to five hours of sleep a night and doing okay with it . For now . I read constantly . Book after book after book . Out of these books come words and impressions and images I want to save . So many things remind me of Charlotte now . I am rereading a lot of books . Going back to the ones that have brought me comfort before . I write down quote after quote and I have finally decided to put them all in one place . It 's creeping up on 1 am so I am going to put down the books , shut down the laptop , creep into the bedroom where my husband and the dog sleep peacefully , and try to sleep . You stand up . Stretch . Look around . Something is missing . Or maybe you are forgetting something . You pat your pockets . Look around once more . You check the ground , the chair next to you , the kitchen table . You wander the house looking in each room . You see nothing , shrug , and turn to leave . As you start to walk away you pause . Perhaps this is past you , not present you . You place a hand on your belly . Flat . Well , almost flat . Not as flat as it used to be , but certainly not as round as it used to be either . That answers that . Definitely present you . As one final test you touch a hand to your arm , to your bare skin . Ouch . The simplest touch stings . Yes . It is the present . You are open wound you . A new you that still requires adjusting to . You wake up each morning , look in the mirror , and startle . Day in , day out . Present you looks old , worn out , gray , awful and it is disquieting and unsettling each time you see it . You continue to walk away , still confused , still looking around for what is missing . Then you remember . When you came to this place next you were supposed to have a person with you . You are not missing something , but someone . The next family gathering , the next trip to the bookstore , the grocery store , every trip from this moment on there was supposed to be another person with you . Every time you left the house you carried that person with you and now suddenly she is disappeared . How can you lose a person so quickly ? From there to gone in an hour and a half . It is incredible . Life altering . It makes you respect life and what comes after . You pause , one hand on the door , certain that someone is coming . You fool yourself into believing time has sped up . They are in the other room . They are walking , talking , things you thought you would never see , and they are in the other room and soon they will walk out , reach for your hand , and you will proceed together . You snap out of that dream , turn , and walk out the door . You know . It is hard to admit , but you do know . You are the one who has been left behind . You arPosted by I had a good day yesterday . I went to McMinnville with my mom and bought a fabulous dress that was on sale . I snagged some books at my favorite bookstore ( the to read pile is out of control . I also have two ' need to read someday ' shelves . . . . ) . I talked with a midwife I haven 't seen since Charlotte died , received some good serious hugs , ate lunch at The Sage , ate dinner at Adam 's Rib Smokehouse , ate more food than I have in a long time , and had my first good Friday since Charlotte died . Today we went to the river with the dog . She loves to swim and we have not taken her out as often as we should . It was nice to have a few good moments . I 've been struggling with who I am now that Charlotte is dead . I 've spent a lot of time reflecting on who I am , who I was and who I want to be now that my life is going in a completely different direction . Isn 't grief fun ? This crisis of self makes me feel like I 'm back in junior high . Although if I had this hair and these clothes in junior high life may have been a little easier . After a lot of soul searching this is what I have discovered : I will never be this girl again : ( age 18 ) I think yesterday when I put on Brand New Day by Joshua Radin I actually believed the lyrics . And I can honestly say " for the first time in such a long , long time I know I 'll be okay . . . " To the baby loss mamas who are having a hard time right now know this : 8 weeks was my magic spot . I was dreading Friday , but I ended up having a good day . It gets easier , I promise . If you feel like there may not be any good days in your future , know that you will smile again and one day you will laugh and you won 't feel guilty for laughing . I wanted to hug the world because I felt so good yesterday . 8 weeks ago I would 've punched anyone who told me that was a possibility . Good days are coming , better times are coming . I miss my baby every moment of every day , but this grief is getting easier to carry around . One last thing : Please don 't laugh at me , or bring this post to my attention a week from now when I am once again knocked off my feet by grief . I 'm on an up wave and I 'm going to enjoy it while it lasts because I know just how hard the down waves are . I 've been feeling discontented lately . The anger has been all - consuming and I don 't like that . In trying to shake it off I sat , went deep into my head , and thought about Charlotte 's birth . I 've talked about it , I 've written it out , but I haven 't sat with it . In doing so I realized I needed to process the incredible emotions that come with birth before I could move forward . Birth is a contentious topic . People have strong , fierce , insane emotions and thoughts about birth . My personal belief is that most babies don 't need to be born in hospitals . I believe most hospital maternal care is cold , distant and unkind to women . Of course there are exceptions to every rule , but the majority of hospitals wrest control from the birthing mother 's hands and apply medical processes to a normal , natural procedure . Have I ever given birth in a hospital ? No . But I have talked to lots of women , read many birth stories , and watched a few documentaries . Even though my baby died I believe low risk babies should be born out of the hospital . I am incredibly grateful to whomever nudged me in the direction of an out of hospital birth . When the birthing center first showed up on the winding country road I drove to and from work I thought , my babies will be born there . After a few conversations with people in the medical field I dropped that idea like a hot potato . Birth was DANGEROUS and should not be attempted out of a hospital setting . Then I got pregnant and the midwife group associated with the local hospital failed me . The receptionist I talked to was horrendous to me . I nervously called my husband 's co - worker 's wife who had just announced her pregnancy . She had tried the midwives linked to the local hospital , found them lacking , and was having her second at the birthing center . After talking to her , praying a lot , and an introductory visit to the birth center , I decided to proceed with the birth I wanted . I was a little smug about my choice to have Charlotte out of hospital . We live in a twisted culture where womePosted by That is the best phrase for how I am feeling . Trying to work through some things . Calm down some . I need to eat better and more often . I need to get more sleep . I need to work through the incredible rage that has cropped up recently . I don 't feel very sad - a little lost , but not sad . I think I 'm going to be quiet for a day or two . Sit with myself , work through some things . I 'm putting myself in time out , if you will . My sister and I were talking the other day and she said I 'm on an island , the island of Angela . Yes , I am . And this island is small . Few can fit on my island and even fewer are allowed . Every now and then I will send a boat to someone on shore , but usually I am here alone . And for a couple of days there will be no boats . There will be no invitations to keep me company . There will be no communication with the outside world . I am no longer comfortable with myself , with sitting in silence and doing nothing . This inability to sit with my own thoughts feels like a betrayal , or even a secondary loss . There are so many questions bouncing around in my mind . I 've always been comfortable rambling about in my head and if I have lost that ability have I lost the person I knew as Angela ? Do I need to start over from scratch here or can I proceed with a few changes - some minor and possibly , if the need arises , major shifts ? I suppose I am suffering from a strange mixture of confusion and the inability to follow my own story line . In such a short amount of time I went from anticipating being a parent to being a mama to mourning my baby . It feels like my life was a puzzle and I was doing a darn good job of putting it together , everything was fitting and the picture was shaping up nicely . Now the pieces are jagged , nothing makes sense , and the end result is so hazy I can no longer imagine what it may look like . I need to work through some things and see if I can find any fragments of the person I was before my beautiful daughter crashed into and out of this world so fast I was left stranded on an island grasping atPosted by Charlotte , When I think of you , of where you are , a meadow comes to mind . That meadow is in heaven for I believe that is where you are and where I will be someday too . You are a toddler , two , maybe three . You have red blonde curly hair , just like I knew you would . You are wearing pink rain boots , even though the sun is shining . Maybe because we live in Oregon and I was looking forward to buying you pink rain boots ? You are wearing a skirt and a little sweater and you , my dear , are beautiful . You are surrounded by friends . Your laugh rings across the meadow and you run and run and run with your friends . I imagine you surrounded by the babies that belong to the mamas I have met . It helps me to think of you playing with babies I know . I know their stories , I know why they left this earth and I imagine all of you running through that meadow and having a wonderful time . Each baby has a name that floats above their head and every time I encounter another parent who has lost a child one more baby in the meadow is named . The meadow is filled with butterflies , dragonflies , birds , flowers and other small tokens that remind the left behind parents of their children . Every now and again a child will stop and pick up a butterfly , or lean into a bird sitting on a low tree branch and whisper , " Go . Go see my mama and my daddy . They are sad today . They need to remember me and know I am okay . " There is a path that runs along one side of the meadow . Each day a select few will stop what they are doing . They will drop everything , stand , and say , " Oh , is it that time already ? " The other children will keep playing , keep running , but those few precious children will break from the circle and run for the path . And there , in the shadow of giant trees , they will be swept up into their mama or daddy 's arms and be held and rocked and kissed and loved . Someday Charlotte we will meet on that path . It is not my time yet , baby girl . Enjoy spending time with your friends . Run , play , be forever young , but know I am here thinking of you , loving you , Posted by |
This is where I blog about life , love and grief . I have three children , one who watches over me from the skies , and two who have brought much joy to my life after a very dark time . I write about everything from birth to cooking to babies to grief to Jesus . Welcome to my little corner of the world . I 'm a stay at home mama to three babies : Bennett and Ainsleigh live with us , and Charlotte lives with Jesus . This is where I write about my life and loves . For more information click on my picture or the ' about me ' tab . Or contact me at littlebird0514 @ gmail . com . I think one of the hardest things about being a baby loss mama is the loneliness . The only people who understand how hard it is are fellow baby loss mamas . Men experience loss and grief so differently it is possible to spend many hours in the company of someone who was there every moment of your pregnancy and still feel alone when it ends . You carried the baby . You birthed the child and then she died . He stood by you , helpless , and desperate to save the baby , but his experiences are different . You both feel failure , but it 's so different for each of you it could almost be labeled something else . And this is where I admit that a baby dying is hell on a marriage . I don 't say much about my marriage here , because it is sacred and I feel protective of it . But I will confess that we have had more " I feel " discussions in the last eleven weeks than I thought we would in our entire life together . Sometimes it 's like a constant therapy session around here , but we are communicating and that is so important right now . Still , though , I 'm lonely . Yesterday I stopped at Burgerville on the way home from Dr . B 's office . I cannot drive by a Burgerville without purchasing food . It 's fast food , but it 's made with local ingredients . And it is so darn good . I was sitting at a table eating my lunch and I felt so lost I thought I was going to cry . I always have a book with me , but I forgot to put one in the car this morning so I felt a little naked . When I was pregnant with Charlotte I wouldn 't have minded sitting by myself , eating lunch , dreaming about my girl . Sitting there yesterday I felt my loss . I literally felt as if there was a giant hole in the middle of my chest where she should be . I carried her for 38 weeks and I fully expected to become a baby wearin ' mama and carry her for many weeks after she was born . So there I was , in the middle of a crowded restaurant , lip quivering , eating a cheeseburger , and trying to make it through lunch . This is what sucks about being a baby loss mama . Feeling so alone and sPosted by I 'm at 40 + followers . Wow . Way back in 2008 when I started this blog I would write every so often and I don 't think anyone read it . Now I write nearly every day and quite a few people are reading . Thank you . I 'm here , grieving and living my life , and I am so glad you all are listening . Today was appointment # 2 with Dr . B . I like her a lot . She greeted me with a hug and " I am so excited to see you ! " Dr . B and my midwives have spoiled me . This is the kind of medical care I expect now ; personal and kind with lots of hugs and encouragement . Dr . B was very proud of me for doing Aquafit . If you give me praise , or a cookie , I will do something I hate doing . I never thought I would be the type of person who exercises . Now I 'm walking four days a week , doing Aquafit once a week , and lifting my 5 lb . weights twice a week . All Dr . B has to say is " I 'm so proud of you . That 's a great step ! " and I continue on despite the little monster in my head who will not stop whining about how hard this all is . I was very excited to show Dr . B that I am tremor free ( first time in six years ! ) and she was so pleased she removed the PTU from the list completely . No more weaning , no dropping to 1 / 2 pill a day . As of today I am medication free . It 's making me a little giddy . I went from two little pills a day to this : It is so worth it . I 'm learning new skills too . See that little bag of herbs ? I can make my own tea now ! Dr . B and I talked about my breathing issues a bit too . She said they are fixable . I nearly fell off my chair . I haven 't been able to run for years . Can she possibly make everything better ? I am beginning to suspect she may be some sort of genie . When I explained my breathing problems to Dr . B she told me that according to Chinese medicine we carry our grief in our lungs . That makes sense to me . There have been so many moments since Charlotte died when I have felt unable to breathe , or take a deep breath . So first we are going to get the thyroid into shape and then the lungs . It feels good to be proactive about my health . I haPosted by Isn 't it strange when you scream at the universe and it responds ? After my post on guilt and wanting to know why Charlotte died I came across the line that is the title of this post in The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot . ( Amazing book , one of my top reads for this year ) . And I thought I may be able to live with the unanswered questions surrounding Charlotte 's death . Perhaps knowing would satisfy my curiousity , but also lead to more hurt . If I can have a second baby and he or she lives , maybe not knowing is okay . Then , yesterday , late afternoon , the autopsy report arrived with the mail . I ditched my Zen attitude regarding knowledge and hardship and tore into the envelope . No answers . I didn 't think there would be . I think we would 've been notified by phone had they found something significant , but I am human and we humans tend towards hope . The main finding is that " it looked as though she had lungs of those of a stillborn . " We were told this over the phone a few weeks ago so that was not a surprise to me . However , when I think about those words I wonder if she would 've died in my womb if I carried her past 38 weeks . I went into labor naturally , my water broke , but in that alternate universe that exists somewhere in my mind I wonder if I am a mama of a baby born still at 40 weeks gestation . But then I also have another alternate universe in some other corner of my mind where I am a mama to a living baby who will be 11 weeks tomorrow . ( If someone could tell me how to get to that universe I would gladly follow them ) . Here is the amazing bit about the autopsy report : receiving it didn 't flatten me . I was happy all day , and I was still happy after reading it . I didn 't cry . I didn 't feel angry . Mostly I felt shock that I will never know C 's first word , her favorite book , her favorite color , the person she would be at 2 , 26 , or 40 , but I do know how much her brain weighed and that her heart was perfectly formed . In a way , and this is going to sound rather strange , reading the autopsy report makes me Posted by I am having a good day . Can you believe it ? I have been so down the past few days . So full up of anxiety , sadness , and grief I felt as if I might float away . I woke up this morning and the last thing I wanted to do was go to Aquafit . But my friend was coming to pick me up at 8 : 30 and I couldn 't very well hide while she sat in the driveway wondering where I was . I trudged out to her car , we drove to the Y , got changed and then jumped in the water for class . And I had a really good time . I worked hard today . When we were in the deep end , doing sets of crunches , then relaxing , I felt better then I have in days . I was on my back , one noodle under my arms , one under my feet , floating , focusing on my breathing and completely calm . Do you ever have moments where you let yourself go and just exist ? It was like that . I was completely in the moment and I felt so weightless ( okay , you can probably attribute that to the pool ) and serene . Afterwards I felt like I had washed out my brain and left a lot of my anxiety at the bottom of the pool . Then we went to Costco for milk and some other things . Soon after Charlotte died I bought a pair of black capri pants at Costco and I have been living in them . I really wanted a pair in gray , but when I checked all they had were size 2 and size 4 . When we went today they had one pair in my size in gray . Very exciting . Now I can alternate between the black and the gray . ( This is my life now . I get excited about pants ) . Lately I 've felt as if the whole universe is against me ( I have a healthy ego ) and when I saw one pair of gray pants laying on top of the pile and they were my size it felt like a much needed victory . When I got home I eased my sore self onto the couch to catch up on my blog reading . And guess what ? I won a giveaway ! I never win anything . I did an impromptu happy dance on the couch when I saw my name on Kristin 's blog . I already have a beautiful necklace for Charlotte , but I can 't wait to get one with her name on the front . I will wear it and be proud of my sweet girl . Then , Posted by In the past few days I 've found myself circling back to guilt . I thought I was done with guilt , but I guess it still wants to hang with me for a while . Like the tide , the feelings of guilt ebb and flow ; sometimes I walk and do not notice them , but other days they inch closer and closer until eventually they lap at my knees and try to pull my feet out from under me . What brought this on ? Lots of small incidents , but mainly the neighbor who put her foot in her mouth but good . I know it 's hard to come up with something to say when someone tells you their baby died . However , asking where the baby is in July , when you know she was due in May , is not the best place to start . Last night Isabel shot out the door , tore across the driveway and headed straight for this neighbor . I trailed after her and Jonathan went to fetch the leash from the car so we could go for a walk . Isabel came back to me and the neighbor called , " How 's the baby ? " My initial response , the one I had to bite back , was " Hopefully fine . We left her sleeping in the house so we could take the dog for a walk . " I passed the dog over to Jonathan and walked over to her driveway . I couldn 't very well stand in my driveway and shout over that the baby was dead . So I walked over and told her and it was unpleasant . I am thankful she asked since no one else on the block has . Plus she is a bit of a gossip hound so word will spread and we won 't have to tell anyone else . She said she was sorry , which is where she should 've stopped , followed by two comments that left me reeling . Comment One : " Well , at least you are over the worst of it now . " If you have not birthed a child and then felt her go limp in your arms , please don 't tell me what the worst is and that I am over it . I have learned that things can always get worse , so please recant that platitude . Comment Two : At least Isabel won 't have any competition . This one left me speechless , which is pretty hard to do . If you have not lost a child , here is a bit of advice : Say I 'm sorry , then shut your mouth . We who have lPosted by When life becomes too much , I read . Cracking open a book has always been a respite . Turning the pages and becoming lost in a story provides the room to breathe and regroup . The last few days have not been good ones . I 've regressed to retreat and hide mode . Historically , churches have provided sanctuary to those who request it , and lately I have spent a lot of time knocking on the covers of books and seeking sanctuary . I 'm inching through the days and I 'm pretty sure I 'm teetering on the brink of depression , rocking back and forth on the edge , and doing my best not to tumble over . I 'm reading books as if consuming words as fast as I can , until I become stuffed and sick with stories , will rescue me . My head is so full of sorrow I cannot abide there anymore so I am packing up and moving into books . Right after Charlotte died I had a really hard time reading and I couldn 't focus on anything . I really wanted to read , to escape , but the text overwhelmed me . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . On May 26th I wrote this in my personal journal : Where is the comfort , books ? Why can 't I get lost in a good story , or even a stupid one ? I start to read , my eyes lose focus and I go somewhere else for a while . Thirty seconds , two minutes , or five minutes later I snap back to reality and realize I 've been reading the book , flipping pages , moving through chapters , but I haven 't processed anything . I find this spacing out completely disturbing . I don 't know where I go or what happens during the time I am there . Is my brain processing my horrific loss when I lose focus and stare into space ? It happens when I am alone and when I am with people . No one has commented on it yet . I don 't know if they haven 't noticed or if they are too polite to say anything . I am never aware it is happening . Throughout the day I have moments where I will suddenly come to , as if I am awakening from a quick nap , and I 'll realize I have no recollection of the past few seconds or minutes . FolAngela Today was a blah day . I mean really pathetically blah . I didn 't do anything all day . I sat on the couch , streamed Boston Med , and felt sorry for myself . All . Day . Long . I ate a bit of cereal and some chips and felt sorry for myself . I watched episode after episode of Boston Med and thought about how there are no guarantees in life ; we may die at any moment and death does not care about our age , our sex , our religious background , our race - it just takes . Around 3 : 30 I rolled off the couch and made myself take a shower . I watered the flowers , cut and plated the brownies I made the night before , and prepared myself for an evening with friends . Good friends , lovely friends , but friends whose second baby was born one month before ours died . We both cried on the drive over , but the night out ended up being a good thing . Nights with these friends always end up being a good thing . I played with their 22 month old . I held their 3 month old . We ate hamburgers and brownies and we laughed a lot . We laughed and laughed and laughed . There has been so much crying lately , the laughter feels good . We stayed at their house until midnight and then we drove home exhausted . Friends like these don 't come along very often . When they do I think it 's important to keep them close , hug them often , and be grateful for them . Two days after Charlotte died they were at our house with food , tears , hugs , and prayer . I have a tribe comprised of family and friends . When I met these people nearly a year ago I thought , I want to add them to my tribe , but I don 't know if we will mesh well . Nearly a year later and I feel as if we have been through a lifetime together and they are certainly part of my tribe . ( I have no idea if you guys read this blog , but should you happen to , I love you ) . Today was hard . I had one of those days where I sat on the couch and felt desperately sad . The kind of sad where I have to tell myself over and over , I can get through this , I will get through this . I talked to Charlotte a lot today . I always know I 'm having a bad daPosted by This morning was my first attempt at Aquafit . I was a bit of a failure , but I enjoyed bouncing around in the pool for an hour . The instructor told us what to do , but didn 't tell anyone they were doing the exercises wrong . Well , except for the one time she corrected me . It 's a random grouping of people and there is no real order to the class . A lot of people do their own thing . There was a sweet older man , the only man in the class , who had his own exercise program going . I liked him a lot . We were kindred souls ; both a little lost and confused as to what we were supposed to be doing . After the class my friend and I could not get the combination lock on our locker open . My friend had to go find someone to cut the lock off with bolt cutters . I was waiting for her by the locker when a group of 4 and 5 year old girls came through . They surrounded me and started taking off their bathing suits . One little girl came up to me and asked for help with something . I leaned down to ask her what she needed , but the adult that was watching them called her over and apologized for bothering me . And of course my heart seized as I thought about how Charlotte will never be 4 or 5 . After the lock was cut off we still could not get the locker open so a maintenance guy came down and smashed it open . It was very dramatic . The entire time my friend and I were hanging out in our bathing suits , shivering , and desperate to get back in our clothes . We picked her boys up from the on site child care and headed for the parking lot . I carried her 17 month old to the car and strapped him in his car seat . I wonder if I will always be the friend who carries others babies . The friend who helps wrangle everyone else 's kids instead of having my own to wrangle . After my friend dropped me off I made a good lunch for myself ( whole wheat wrap with cream cheese , turkey , greens , and spinach & a banana ) and started thinking about this new routine I 've started . I was careful about my diet and I exercised when I was pregnant with Charlotte , but I don 't know if Posted by I wrote out a post , went to publish it , and deleted the entire thing . Somehow it didn 't save as I was typing it . Frustrated . And taking it as a sign to go in a different direction . Are you tired of me yet ? I certainly am . Every night I feel the urge to sit down and write out how I 'm feeling . It won 't remove the pain , but it lessens the sting a bit . I may be repeating myself , in fact I 'm sure I am , but I need these words on this page . I need to say over and over , I 'm sad , I 'm lost , it hurts , I miss her . So . I 'm sad . I 'm lost . It hurts . I miss her . I 'm exhausted , worn out , wrung out . I am angry . Upset by the unfairness . And I 'm tired of listening to my words and living in my head . This is what I really want to say tonight : Charlotte , " Your absence has gone through me Like thread through a needle . Everything I do is stitched with its color . " W . S . Merwin - Separation I have some things to do tomorrow and then I am staying in bed for the rest of the week . It 's all too much right now . Charlotte , I can 't believe I tucked this scrap of paper in a drawer . I think I will add it to the pictures I am putting in your photo album . Your daddy really wanted to name you Quinn . I liked Harper . And initially I thought you would be Madeline . When the ultrasound tech said you were definitely a girl I sat up on the table , hugged my belly , and thought , hello Madeline . I love the name Lorelai , but it means seductive temptress and that did not sit well with me . Your daddy and I would pick a name from the list and try it out for a few days . One day I started calling you Charlotte and we never moved to the next name on the list . I loved the name Ava Grace , but daddy didn 't like it . However , he let me use Ava as your middle name since I was so attached to it . And that is how you , my dear , went from Blueberry to Charlotte Ava to Little Bird . I 've been missing you a lot lately . I will be doing fine , going about my day , and then suddenly I will start crying . I was fine all day today . Then 5 : 00 rolled around and I ended up lying on the couch , on my stomach , feet in the air , and sobbing . I just miss you constantly , Charlotte , and I haven 't figured out how to make the ache go away . I 'm actually not sure I want to make the ache go away . It 's just so hard to always feel like something is missing . My arms long to hold you . I carried you your entire life , baby girl , but I wish I had one moment , just one , when you were alive and in my arms and looking into my eyes . I 'm sad tonight . Very , very sad . Missing you so much it hurts . You were loved . ( You are loved ) . You were wanted . That 's all I really want you to know tonight . Love forever - Mama What do you think of my new look ? The husband did it for me . Much love to him . He is still working on it , but I like it so far . We finally got our stove today ! It took us a long time to find one for a good price . It needs a bit of cleaning , but it will be worth it . And of course it will be in the fireplace instead of sitting on the hearth . This stove was supposed to keep me and Charlotte warm through the long , rainy Oregon winter . I am excited to have it , but so sad because I imagined toasty days at home with my baby girl . This Christmas we were going to have a roaring fire , hot chocolate , a baby , and much love . Now that Charlotte is gone Christmas has been cancelled . I don 't know where I will be for Christmas , but there is no way I am sticking around . On Wednesday I am starting an Aquafit class with a friend . She is kind and doesn 't mind the odd brand of crazy I bring with me these days . I contacted her to ask if we could work out together one day a week . Maybe we could go swimming at the Y since we both have family memberships . She e - mailed me with the details for the Aquafit class and said she could pick me up . I love this friend . I toss out an idea and she comes back with a plan . The only thing I had to decide is whether we would go Wednesday or Friday morning . We agreed to go Wednesday , we set everything up , and then I panicked a bit . I didn 't like trying new things before Charlotte died . Now it 's pretty much a foregone conclusion that if you want me to try something new it 's not going to happen . I sent her an e - mail asking if I had to get my head wet , because I really don 't like getting my head wet , and maybe this wasn 't such a good idea after all , hmmm ? She calmly replied that since it was a fitness class in a pool my head would probably get wet . Then she promised if I didn 't like it we could try something else . I apologized for being whiny and we agreed she would pick me up at 8 : 30 . I 'm scared and nervous so I am fretting about my bathing suit now . I can get it over my hips , but it 's a tight squeeze . It dPosted by Let me start with a request : Please go give Jennifer some love . Her sweet Kai was born still on June 16th . And sorry for two posts in one day . My visit with Dr . B , the naturopath , went really well . I am going off the thyroid medication ! It is going to take time , it means pushing our trying to conceive plan back a month or two , but for the first time in five years I am going to be medication free . I am switching from medication to natural supplements and that makes me feel much better about a second pregnancy ( fingers crossed , toes too ) . I love Dr . B . A lot . My appointment was a full hour , I talked about many things , and I didn 't cry even though it was strangely akin to therapy . My favorite moment was when she looked at me and said , " I want to rescue you and put you back together . " Oh , well , please do . I would appreciate that ever so much . One simple sentence and yet with those words I shed a great deal of anxiety . I offloaded a bit of this journey into her capable hands and I realized that this is what we do with our grief . We parcel it out , bit by bit , until we have a small enough amount we can carry it around without buckling under the weight . Many friends and family members have a piece of my grief . The wonderful BLM I have " met " have a piece , but they have theirs to carry too , so it is more of a juggling act . Every time I read about a new mama who has joined this sad group ( we really are trying to figure out how to close down membership ) I take their little one 's name and place it ever so gently in the corner of my heart reserved for those special souls . How many names can one little heart corner hold ? More than I thought possible . Way too many . ( Insert random wandering thought : Whenever I think of you baby loss mamas this quote from one of Anne Lamott 's essays comes to mind : " . . . This is life 's nature : that lives and hearts get broken - those of people we love , those of people we 'll never meet . . . . the world sometimes feels like the waiting room of the emergency ward and we who are more or less OK for now neePosted by As you all know I 've been trying my hardest to outrun the grief . Feet to the ground , running my heart out , focusing on getting away . Guess what ? It didn 't work out for me . Surprise , surprise . Grief caught up to me last night and made its presence known with a full on tackle from behind that slammed my body into the ground . Face meet dirt , meet tears , meet screaming . Last night was not as bad as the first few nights after Charlotte died , but it was reminiscent , there were faint echoes of that time . Once again I was a collapsed heap on the bed , sobbing , wondering where my daughter was , what I did wrong . Nine weeks ago I screamed at the top of my lungs for Charlotte . I screamed " Where 's my baby ? I want my baby ! " over and over while the equally upset , but less able to express it , husband sat near me and rubbed my back . Last night was same story , different day , but with whispering instead of shouting . I went to the dark place , friends . I hate the dark place . For days I 've been circling the dark place like an anxious dog protecting its pack from a potential attack . There is a path worn around my dark place , but I have managed to avoid going through the gate . I have walked to the gate , warm hand on cool iron , pulled it towards me , inhaled a great big yoga breath , prepared to step in , and then walked away . The gate slams with a great clang , metal ringing against metal , and I scamper away , unscathed . Last night there was no flirting with the gate . Last night was a sudden tackle to the ground and then grief picked me up , flung open the gate , tossed me inside the dark place , locked the gate , and walked away whistling with his hands in his pockets . I hate you , grief . I do believe I am putting too much pressure on myself . I feel a great need to not be here anymore , in the early stages of grief , so I am trying to force my way forward . Obviously that 's not working . I have been so focused on doing well and making progress I forgot to make room for falling apart . I have now learned that if you don 't make room for Posted by First day back at the bookstore . I got up , dropped Jonathan off at work , because his car is in the shop AGAIN , came home , got ready and went on in . Scary . I stayed in the back , hidden in the office I used to share with a co - worker . I worked on data entry . It was nice , simple . I didn 't have to think , which is a nice break right now . I don 't really feel like I 'm working , because I am not getting paid . I work , I get books . The perfect combination for me . Low key , no pressure . It 's hard to be back at the store , to remember the years I was there before Charlotte , and the months I worked there with Charlotte growing in my belly . There are a lot of questions I cannot answer right now , but I can sit in the back of the bookstore , take one catalog into my hands at a time , and input information . I can flip through the glossy pages and know I ordered a title in hardcover and it sold well so I should order it in paperback . There is comfort in the familiar , in the knowledge that I can still do the book buying thing even if I failed at the mothering thing . Next week I go back . One day a week , one catalog at a time until I figure out where to go from here . Love to the owner who lets me float in and out , on my own time , in my own grief space ; a space that requires no real commitment just in case I wake up to a bad day and am unable to get past the ' put on yoga pants , sit on the couch ' stage of my day . I 'm a bit of a mess . Okay , I 'm a lot of a mess . I feel like I 'm doing okay , but when I sit quietly by myself I realize I am skimming over Charlotte constantly . My mind races , I am always thinking , and whenever my thoughts land on Charlotte , which is about every other second , I shoot off in a different direction as soon as I can . If I think about her I cry . If I think about her I get angry . If I think about her I fear I will start screaming and never stop . If I think about her I start asking questions and wondering why I am driving down the road on a beautiful summer day with no baby car seat in the back . If I think Posted by Can you believe it , Charlotte ? Two months without you . I feel like I 've lived ten years of sorrow , but it 's only been eight weeks . You are forever loved and forever missed . Every moment of every day I think of your beautiful face and your short , lovely life . I finally received my memorial necklace ! I picked out what I wanted , but it 's from all of your grandparents . We are still waiting on your daddy 's ring . I love having a reminder of you I can carry with me . The front is your hand and foot print along with an emerald for your birth stone . Both of the charms have your name and date of birth on the back . Someday I would like to find a chest I can put everything in . For now you have these three memorial boxes . One from the hospital , one from the church we attended in McMinnville , and one from your Aunt Christina . Your sweet hand and foot prints . You had so much hair baby girl . It was long enough that it curled up just a bit at the sides . And you had eyebrows ! I 've seen a lot of babies that look eyebrow - less , but I could definitely see yours . Here is your birth announcement / memorial card . We sent this to everyone . Close family , the chiropractor , work friends , and anyone who sent us a card in the mail . We are so proud of you and wanted to share your sweet face with the world . Your grandmother , Sasa , and I picked out these flowers today . They are going to go next to our Charlotte rose . Once we receive your memorial stone I will get your corner of the garden all set up . The Charlotte rose Sasa and Granddad picked out . They have one in their garden and your other grandparents have one in theirs too . I love this outfit . People warned me you may not fit in newborn clothes because you could be too small or too big . I packed this in your bag just in case you were big . It was a 3 month outfit . I think it would 've been a while before you grew into it . This bracelet was made for us by Jessi 's mom . Jessi is a good friend and you share a birthday with her . From Aunt Emily and Uncle Ryan . We have lots of toys and stuffed animals I Posted by Tomorrow is the official two month mark and I feel absolutely , completely stuck . I can 't go back , but I 'm not sure if I can go forward either . I think I need to break out of my routine . The dead baby routine of no work , no Charlotte , lots of sitting at home immobile . But I 'm not sure if I am ready to go back to work . I am going in on Thursday to do a few things , but it 's all going to be behind the scenes . I 'm not sure I can commit to work again . I have plenty of days where I sit on the couch unable to move for the sadness . I think I am confused that this is my life now . All that is required of me is to get through each day . My husband works , he works hard , and his job pays him well enough that I can sit on this couch day after day . He doesn 't require anything from me . A clean house is nice , coming home to dinner is nice , but he doesn 't expect me to do anything . He understands that I need some time to absorb what has happened to us . But I feel terrible because he had two weeks and then he was thrown back into the fray . Each day patients ask him if he has a family , if he has kids , and he has to slog through that question again and again and I 'm not sure how he does it . I 've been doing my best not to cry lately . There comes a point when a person just cannot cry anymore . It 's wearying , tiresome , annoying even . I 've put away most of Charlotte 's things . Looking at them is hard and usually makes me cry so I am spending some time without them in my face . Of course there are things that will never be put away . The spot above the fireplace will always be hers , I think . It 's not like I want to erase Charlotte , but it 's been two months and I have to step back from the intense grieving for a while . I am feeling the need to go forward , to wrench my feet out of this heavy grief that is reminiscent of drying cement . I fear if I stay here too long I will be forever immobile . I will sit on this couch the rest of my life , stare at that little spot above the fireplace , and become so scared of living I simply stop doing so . I think it 's time to make decisions about life and work . I go back and forth on going back to the bookstore . I 'm not even sure if there is a place for me there anymore . I was supposed to waltz off into the next stage of my life , but the music has been turned off and I can 't expect everything to be in place , waiting for me to crawl back , wounded , upset , barely functioning some days . I haven 't felt uncertainty about my future in years . I mentioned feeling like I was back in junior high in a previous post and today I feel like I 'm in high school and trying to decide what step to take next . I feel as if I am standing on a cliff above a canyon screaming , " What do I do with my life ? ! " and in return receiving only a faint echo ; my voice returned to me devoid of answers or ideas . I was supposed to be a mama who stayed at home with her daughter . I wrapped my identity in that notion and now that it has been ripped away from me I feel quite lost . I wanted to give myself some time before we tried again . Mainly so I could heal physically , but also because I am scared of being due in May again . Now I 'm wondering if we shouldn 't wait . Perhaps the joy of having a new life to hope for will eclipse the worry and pain . Somehow I doubt it . Apparently for me losing my daughter is tantamount to losing myself . I am not enjoying it . Received medical records from Life Flight and the hospital today . Ugh . It 's important to have these things as we go forward , meet with the perinatologist , try to decide what to do next . But why do I sit down and read them ? My favorite part from the hospital report is when the phrase " impending doom for the patient " is tossed out . Impending doom . Really ? What a way to put it . Still waiting for the autopsy report . I 'm afraid I may have to request it again . My poor baby . Less than two hours of life outside of me and those two hours were chaotic . I think I will tuck these papers in the folder labeled ' C - Medical Information ' and not look at them for a while . My sleep patterns are wonky . I need to buckle down , take the Valerian root , drink the sleepy tea , get back in a routine . I 'm running on three to five hours of sleep a night and doing okay with it . For now . I read constantly . Book after book after book . Out of these books come words and impressions and images I want to save . So many things remind me of Charlotte now . I am rereading a lot of books . Going back to the ones that have brought me comfort before . I write down quote after quote and I have finally decided to put them all in one place . It 's creeping up on 1 am so I am going to put down the books , shut down the laptop , creep into the bedroom where my husband and the dog sleep peacefully , and try to sleep . You stand up . Stretch . Look around . Something is missing . Or maybe you are forgetting something . You pat your pockets . Look around once more . You check the ground , the chair next to you , the kitchen table . You wander the house looking in each room . You see nothing , shrug , and turn to leave . As you start to walk away you pause . Perhaps this is past you , not present you . You place a hand on your belly . Flat . Well , almost flat . Not as flat as it used to be , but certainly not as round as it used to be either . That answers that . Definitely present you . As one final test you touch a hand to your arm , to your bare skin . Ouch . The simplest touch stings . Yes . It is the present . You are open wound you . A new you that still requires adjusting to . You wake up each morning , look in the mirror , and startle . Day in , day out . Present you looks old , worn out , gray , awful and it is disquieting and unsettling each time you see it . You continue to walk away , still confused , still looking around for what is missing . Then you remember . When you came to this place next you were supposed to have a person with you . You are not missing something , but someone . The next family gathering , the next trip to the bookstore , the grocery store , every trip from this moment on there was supposed to be another person with you . Every time you left the house you carried that person with you and now suddenly she is disappeared . How can you lose a person so quickly ? From there to gone in an hour and a half . It is incredible . Life altering . It makes you respect life and what comes after . You pause , one hand on the door , certain that someone is coming . You fool yourself into believing time has sped up . They are in the other room . They are walking , talking , things you thought you would never see , and they are in the other room and soon they will walk out , reach for your hand , and you will proceed together . You snap out of that dream , turn , and walk out the door . You know . It is hard to admit , but you do know . You are the one who has been left behind . You arPosted by I had a good day yesterday . I went to McMinnville with my mom and bought a fabulous dress that was on sale . I snagged some books at my favorite bookstore ( the to read pile is out of control . I also have two ' need to read someday ' shelves . . . . ) . I talked with a midwife I haven 't seen since Charlotte died , received some good serious hugs , ate lunch at The Sage , ate dinner at Adam 's Rib Smokehouse , ate more food than I have in a long time , and had my first good Friday since Charlotte died . Today we went to the river with the dog . She loves to swim and we have not taken her out as often as we should . It was nice to have a few good moments . I 've been struggling with who I am now that Charlotte is dead . I 've spent a lot of time reflecting on who I am , who I was and who I want to be now that my life is going in a completely different direction . Isn 't grief fun ? This crisis of self makes me feel like I 'm back in junior high . Although if I had this hair and these clothes in junior high life may have been a little easier . After a lot of soul searching this is what I have discovered : I will never be this girl again : ( age 18 ) I think yesterday when I put on Brand New Day by Joshua Radin I actually believed the lyrics . And I can honestly say " for the first time in such a long , long time I know I 'll be okay . . . " To the baby loss mamas who are having a hard time right now know this : 8 weeks was my magic spot . I was dreading Friday , but I ended up having a good day . It gets easier , I promise . If you feel like there may not be any good days in your future , know that you will smile again and one day you will laugh and you won 't feel guilty for laughing . I wanted to hug the world because I felt so good yesterday . 8 weeks ago I would 've punched anyone who told me that was a possibility . Good days are coming , better times are coming . I miss my baby every moment of every day , but this grief is getting easier to carry around . One last thing : Please don 't laugh at me , or bring this post to my attention a week from now when I am once again knocked off my feet by grief . I 'm on an up wave and I 'm going to enjoy it while it lasts because I know just how hard the down waves are . I 've been feeling discontented lately . The anger has been all - consuming and I don 't like that . In trying to shake it off I sat , went deep into my head , and thought about Charlotte 's birth . I 've talked about it , I 've written it out , but I haven 't sat with it . In doing so I realized I needed to process the incredible emotions that come with birth before I could move forward . Birth is a contentious topic . People have strong , fierce , insane emotions and thoughts about birth . My personal belief is that most babies don 't need to be born in hospitals . I believe most hospital maternal care is cold , distant and unkind to women . Of course there are exceptions to every rule , but the majority of hospitals wrest control from the birthing mother 's hands and apply medical processes to a normal , natural procedure . Have I ever given birth in a hospital ? No . But I have talked to lots of women , read many birth stories , and watched a few documentaries . Even though my baby died I believe low risk babies should be born out of the hospital . I am incredibly grateful to whomever nudged me in the direction of an out of hospital birth . When the birthing center first showed up on the winding country road I drove to and from work I thought , my babies will be born there . After a few conversations with people in the medical field I dropped that idea like a hot potato . Birth was DANGEROUS and should not be attempted out of a hospital setting . Then I got pregnant and the midwife group associated with the local hospital failed me . The receptionist I talked to was horrendous to me . I nervously called my husband 's co - worker 's wife who had just announced her pregnancy . She had tried the midwives linked to the local hospital , found them lacking , and was having her second at the birthing center . After talking to her , praying a lot , and an introductory visit to the birth center , I decided to proceed with the birth I wanted . I was a little smug about my choice to have Charlotte out of hospital . We live in a twisted culture where womePosted by That is the best phrase for how I am feeling . Trying to work through some things . Calm down some . I need to eat better and more often . I need to get more sleep . I need to work through the incredible rage that has cropped up recently . I don 't feel very sad - a little lost , but not sad . I think I 'm going to be quiet for a day or two . Sit with myself , work through some things . I 'm putting myself in time out , if you will . My sister and I were talking the other day and she said I 'm on an island , the island of Angela . Yes , I am . And this island is small . Few can fit on my island and even fewer are allowed . Every now and then I will send a boat to someone on shore , but usually I am here alone . And for a couple of days there will be no boats . There will be no invitations to keep me company . There will be no communication with the outside world . I am no longer comfortable with myself , with sitting in silence and doing nothing . This inability to sit with my own thoughts feels like a betrayal , or even a secondary loss . There are so many questions bouncing around in my mind . I 've always been comfortable rambling about in my head and if I have lost that ability have I lost the person I knew as Angela ? Do I need to start over from scratch here or can I proceed with a few changes - some minor and possibly , if the need arises , major shifts ? I suppose I am suffering from a strange mixture of confusion and the inability to follow my own story line . In such a short amount of time I went from anticipating being a parent to being a mama to mourning my baby . It feels like my life was a puzzle and I was doing a darn good job of putting it together , everything was fitting and the picture was shaping up nicely . Now the pieces are jagged , nothing makes sense , and the end result is so hazy I can no longer imagine what it may look like . I need to work through some things and see if I can find any fragments of the person I was before my beautiful daughter crashed into and out of this world so fast I was left stranded on an island grasping atPosted by Charlotte , When I think of you , of where you are , a meadow comes to mind . That meadow is in heaven for I believe that is where you are and where I will be someday too . You are a toddler , two , maybe three . You have red blonde curly hair , just like I knew you would . You are wearing pink rain boots , even though the sun is shining . Maybe because we live in Oregon and I was looking forward to buying you pink rain boots ? You are wearing a skirt and a little sweater and you , my dear , are beautiful . You are surrounded by friends . Your laugh rings across the meadow and you run and run and run with your friends . I imagine you surrounded by the babies that belong to the mamas I have met . It helps me to think of you playing with babies I know . I know their stories , I know why they left this earth and I imagine all of you running through that meadow and having a wonderful time . Each baby has a name that floats above their head and every time I encounter another parent who has lost a child one more baby in the meadow is named . The meadow is filled with butterflies , dragonflies , birds , flowers and other small tokens that remind the left behind parents of their children . Every now and again a child will stop and pick up a butterfly , or lean into a bird sitting on a low tree branch and whisper , " Go . Go see my mama and my daddy . They are sad today . They need to remember me and know I am okay . " There is a path that runs along one side of the meadow . Each day a select few will stop what they are doing . They will drop everything , stand , and say , " Oh , is it that time already ? " The other children will keep playing , keep running , but those few precious children will break from the circle and run for the path . And there , in the shadow of giant trees , they will be swept up into their mama or daddy 's arms and be held and rocked and kissed and loved . Someday Charlotte we will meet on that path . It is not my time yet , baby girl . Enjoy spending time with your friends . Run , play , be forever young , but know I am here thinking of you , loving you , Posted by |
Naya waited in a local cafe situated above one of the many subway stations that cut their way beneath downtown New York . It seemed like she had been waiting forever for her beloved niece Avery to arrive . It had been so long since she 'd seen her niece that … no , she didn 't want to think about how lonely she had been without her . She didn 't want to remember the day that Avery had left her those many years ago . Avery had come to live with Naya at the age of three when her own mother could no longer take care of her . Naya 's sister Helen had struggled with her alcohol addiction for years . Naya always had the feeling she 'd end up raising her niece one day if Helen didn 't clean up her act and she was right . She claimed the custody of her niece when she was three years old , under the instruction of a city attorney . Somehow her niece had gone missing from her life after only two years of raising her as her own child . Little Avery was only five years old when she disappeared into the vast oceans of people and buildings that gave New York its reputation of swallowing faint hearted people alive . Naya 's sister never forgave her for losing sight of her . New York is a big city . Many items have been lost to its streets , parks , and alleys never to be recovered . It was a city where things and people disappeared in a flash of a second and neither was easily found . Despite this fact , Naya always thought she would find Avery . She always hoped she would see her playing outside one of the downtown shops when she was running errands for the law firm she worked at . Avery would run up to her giggling and Naya would take her home to her apartment where she would make sure that she would never lose sight of her again . She always imagined that she could see her when she took long strolls in Central Park , engrossed in thoughts about the times they once shared together . Now , Naya was so mixed up inside . She didn 't know whether she was happy or frightened to see the person she loved like a daughter again after four years of being apart . Little Avery would be nine years old now . One of the regulars of the café told her that she saw her niece hanging around the lobby a few days ago . Naya had posted her picture on the walls with her name and address in the hope that someone would find her . Avery looked older , but the man who found her niece said he would have recognized her facial features anywhere from the pictures she had posted . Naya came to the cafe every night since the regular had told her the details of her niece 's whereabouts in the hope of finding her again . She would do anything to have her niece in her arms after spending so many years apart . She was tired of living her life alone . She was tired of the guilt that she had been lugging around for five years from losing her . Her sister 's inebriated curse words stuck out the most in her mind . The drunken words Helen screamed at her the night her daughter went missing often played over and over like a broken record in Naya 's mind . They made her hate herself more and more the longer she was apart from her niece . They made her want to curl up somewhere and let herself waste away to nothing . She had felt worthless ever since she heard had them . She could not face her sister ever since the loss in both of their lives had taken place . Tonight , the service was slow and when the waitress did speak to her , the young woman with red hair pulled into a ponytail told her that she would meet her niece soon . Naya had talked to the regular at the café who had originally seen her niece and said that she had also seen Avery playing by the subway a few times as well . The regular at the cafe insisted that she had seen Avery hanging around these parts since last August , but Naya had yet to see her walk through the glass doors of the small establishment . She had been waiting for her niece to show up for a while now and had somehow found the courage to pull herself out of her depressive haze , if only for a while , at the prospect of seeing Avery walk through the front entrance . Perhaps this evening would be the moment when she could finally own up to the fact that there were some things in this world that were out of her hands and could not be faced alone . She couldn 't explain why she was waiting here ; she felt completely disoriented . One minute she was driving home and the next moment … she wasn 't sure what happened . Naya assumed that she had stopped at this place because she knew Avery would be here . Maybe she possessed some kind of ESP . Naya remembered that her sister told her once that all aunts have psychic abilities that tell them when their family needs them most . That was one of the many things that make aunts special . Helen had told her that gem of wisdom before Avery had gone missing from their lives . Naya knew that her sister would say that all family is worthless if they had the same conversation these days . Helen lost her last reason to retain some sort of sanity in her life when her daughter went missing . She started knocking back eight beers a night . The last time Naya heard anything about her , she was serving time in the State penitentiary for being caught drunk behind the wheel for the third time . Naya kept drawing a complete blank . She knew that she couldn 't be dreaming . She felt the warm air of a heater on a nearby table blowing in her face . This had to be real . She couldn 't remember when she had showed up to the cafe . There were other people sitting next to her table . Some were sitting by themselves , looking out the window facing out onto Twelfth Avenue deep in thought . Others are laughing with old acquaintances . It made Naya wish that her niece was sitting at the table with her . After she pictured Avery 's brown curly hair and blue eyes in her mind she saw her walk through the door of the café like a vision come to life . All Naya could feel was a combination of relief and excitement . Avery began to talk to her but she did not hear the words . An overwhelming feeling of happiness overtook her body . Naya finally worked up the courage to give her niece one of her famous " Aunty Naya " hugs , ignoring what she had just told her . She smiled and took Naya 's hand . After receiving a pair of tickets , the two hoped onto one of the subway trains together , holding each other 's hands . The subway seemed to travel down the set of old steel tracks for ages as it speed out of the city and cut through the rolling hills of a green valley . Small towns popped up every once in a while between each stretch of landscape Naya and Avery passed on the way to their final destination . On their way home to start a new life , Naya asked Avery where she had been all of those years . " Dad took me back and made me live with him . I was so afraid to leave . But daddy said I would be all right . He took me to the place we are going . He told me you would probably be at the café if I met you at the right time . I wanted to be the first person to find you no matter what . " Naya all at once felt very weak in the knees . Avery 's father had died a few months before she was born . Her niece had to be mistaken . Perhaps some man like her father had been taking care of her but … no that didn 't seem right . Naya stared down at her niece who was smiling up at her . A headache stared to form at the back of her head but everything was staring to become clearer now . It was the fact she had assumed that she 'd stopped at the café on her way home from work that got her to thinking . Naya never remembered reaching the café in her car . It was as if she had just shown up there and started waiting for her niece to arrive . It made little sense that they were taking the subway since Naya had supposedly showed up at the café in her car . And the two had no reason to be heading out of the city . Naya lived in an apartment not far from where the Café was situated . She just had to jump in her car and take the freeway to the downtown area and … the freeway . Another wave a pain shot through her head as she started to recall all of the moments leading up to sitting in the café . She remembered that she was driving on the freeway , headed to meet with a café regular about a possible sighting of her niece . That is when a truck had started to tailgate her from behind . Frustrated , she had tried to go faster but the truck caught up with her again . This speeding game continued for a while until the truck became impatient and attempted to pass her on the side . But he didn 't have enough room and he ended up sliding into the side of her car . The last thing she remembered was a tall , lanky man banging on her car window . He was yelling through the window , asking over and over if she was okay . She looked around her and saw that the car was turned upside - down . For some reason she couldn 't move any of her limbs . She could only hear the man saying that he had called for an ambulance and to hold on as everything had faded into darkness . And then she had ended up in that café , waiting for her niece like nothing had happened . Naya felt her emotions wash over her like a wave . She put her arms around Avery and held her for what seemed like an eternity . Naya held her niece for so long that Avery had fallen sleep in her arms . Naya laid her niece gently on her lap to allow her to continue resting . She took her cellphone out of her purse after a while and scrolled through the list of names in her contact list to her sister 's cell phone number . She knew she couldn 't reach Helen by the number in her cellphone . Helen was locked up behind bars on account of her latest drinking incident and there was no way she could personally visit the State Prison to get any message about her daughter 's whereabouts to her now that she had passed on . Holding the cellphone in her hand , Naya left a single text message on her sister 's cellphone knowing she would probably never receive it . It read , " I found Avery . You don 't have to worry anymore . I 'm going to make sure that she is happy from now on . " After traveling for a few hours , the two of them finally reached their old home in the suburbs where the two of them had once lived before Naya moved to the city . She had rented a small apartment to have easier access to the café people had reported to see her niece hanging around . It was also within walking distance of her job . She thought about who would take care of her apartment now that she was gone . She wondered what would happen to all of her possessions . It was a strange feeling pondering everything that would happen after she was dead . The subway reached the suburban area where Naya 's house had once been located . She assumed that it was her place to get off . She gently woke Avery and the two stepped off the subway onto the platform . The walked up to the street above and made their way to the house the two of them had once lived in . As Naya stood at the iron large gates of the Victorian style house her niece and she lived in eight long years ago , she felt a tear slide down her cheek . It had taken many years , but Naya was finally reunited with the young girl she had always viewed as her own daughter . Her niece continued to hold her hand as the two of them walked through the large iron gates of the property to the house 's front yard . Naya smiled when she realized that from this day forward the two of them could live the rest of their lives out together in the place made of the landscape of their dreams . It was a year before Helen was released from the state prison but she had heard about her sister 's death while she was still serving her time . The news had devastated her . She had once been angry at her sister for losing sight of Avery but now she couldn 't bring herself to be angry at her anymore . For the first time in her life she was able to accept some of the blame . If she had just been a better mother to Avery she would never been taken away to live with Naya . She could have prevented the disappearance of her daughter and the death of her sister . They had told her that Naya had been driving to follow up on a sighting someone had had of her niece at a downtown café . That was when the truck hit her car and she wasn 't able to hold onto to life before the medical team of paramedics arrived . Helen had gone through an AA program when she was at the state prison and was now sober . Today was the first real time she had had to visit her sister 's grave . She was still locked up when the family had held the funeral . Although she could not make it , her mother had visited and brought photos and news of the event . Her mother had told her to think about how her actions led to everything that happened and begged her to start turning herself around before she was met with more tragedies in her life . Helen took her mother 's words to heart and had been working hard to stay sober and employed . Shortly after being released , she started working at a small flower shop near the café her sister used to frequent . She liked working there because flowers reminded her of her sister . Naya had had her own garden when she was still alive . It was an early Saturday afternoon when she took a taxi out to one of the inner - city gravesites to visit her sister 's final place of rest . She was carrying a bouquet of flowers from the shop she worked in . She had made it special for this occasion , with all of her sister 's favorite candies and even a stuffed bear she knew her sister would like if she was still alive . When she reached the cemetery , she walked along the path until she saw the row her sister 's memorial was located in . She walked along the path of headstones until she saw her sister 's name carved on a stone that read , " In memory of Naya Stevens . A loving daughter , sister , aunt , and friend . " The ringtone finished its final pass . Then a sharp buzz sounded , letting her know that a text message had just been sent and was waiting for her to view it . Helen couldn 't explain why she felt so compelled to look at her cellphone . Even though she ignored most text messages when she was doing something important she felt as though she should read whatever text message was sent her way . She pulled the cell phone out of her pocket and read the text message that had set off her cell phone 's ringtone . The message read , " I found Avery . You don 't have to worry anymore . I 'm going to make sure that she is happy from now on . " Helen put a hand to her mouth in shock . It was a message from her sister . It was dated the exact day and hour that she had died in the accident with the truck . At that moment something clicked inside of her , a deep rooted instinct of knowing that all of her deepest fears had come to pass . She somehow understood the meaning of her sister 's last words . She wasn 't going to see Avery again ; not in this plain of living . Not until she crossed over into wherever death had taken two of the most cherished people in her life . Prince Ackeyun of the kingdom of Dagwan had forty wives . He had so many wives that he didn 't know what to do with all of them . Every time another wife was offered to him as a symbol of peace from one of the neighboring countries , he could not refuse their father 's marriage invitations . All of the kingdoms of the world of Iregeya wanted peace with his kingdom because he had resources they each craved . Marrying into the resources was the best way for the other kingdoms to have access to them without being forced to sign a proper treaty . Thus , poor Prince Ackeyun was stuck with forty wives from the most known kingdoms of the world . The only thing he could think to do with his wives was give them a good place to stay . He placed each of the women in the Grand Halls that rested at the back of his palace . The Grand Halls had been built by one of his ancestors long ago to accommodate the imperial harem . The multiple chambers had great columns made of black stone that rose for what seemed like miles into the sky . At the top and base of the columns were the carved images of griffins . Each of the griffins had painted red eyes which stood in contrast to their otherwise black , carved , stone forms . The roof was made of black wood and laid in a crisscross pattern over the columns . On the roof of the grand halls were the painted images of the God Ravin Mon , with his eagle wings outstretched and his feet grasping at the threads of the universe with his hooked talons . The walls were decorated with complicated hieroglyphics that the ancient kings had once written in . Sitting next to the upraised hieroglyphics was a writing script that the kingdom still used . The hieroglyphics were a window into the past . The only way they could be deciphered was by the modern script that was written on the gold walls in red ink . The ancient language had long been forgotten and the Grand Halls was one of the only places in the kingdom that they could still be found . There were multiple natural hot springs that were built into the layout of the Grand Hall . Each of the hot springs was circled by a dark ring of stones and had black , steep steps built down into them . The stairs stopped at the bottom of each spring , where they met a natural rock floor . The hall lead out into many gardens that were watered with an ancient pipe system that ran underneath the city . Multiple pipes drew water out of a river that snaked into the mountains far to the east of the kingdom . The water in the pipes was partitioned throughout the palace and other areas of the kingdom . It was used for everything from fountains and sprinkler systems to bathtub water and even running water for toilets . The Grand Hall had many rooms that were each decorated according to the taste of the princess that lived in them . Some of the rooms had lavish sofas with many pillows of silk and cotton atop them that the princesses used as cushions for their beds . Some of the rooms had four posted beds with canopies that held rose petals above them as they slept . Some rooms had grand carpets made of thread that only traveling merchants from faraway lands had access to before being brought to the palace . Never in one place had anyone in those days and days since seen so many rooms with so many different adornments . The princesses had many servants that attended to their needs and lived with them in their imperial chambers . The rooms were large enough to accommodate as many assistants as the princesses needed . The prince took very good care of his wives . Whatever they asked , he would do everything in his power to provide for them , no matter what the distance away the item was that they desired , or how much it would cost . Some would say that Prince Ackeyun was very lucky to have as many wives as he did that he could call upon any time he felt lonely . However , the truth of the matter was that it was very hard work trying to please all of his wives . He often found himself with a quite a big headache at the end of the day . As if dealing with the matters of the kingdom was not hard enough , he also had to worry about his forty wives . His father and mother were still alive , so some of the country 's burden was lifted from his shoulders . Even so , Prince Ackeyun was aware that this ideal situation would not last forever . He could only imagine how things would be when he had the full rights to the throne . If the countries of Iregeya kept marrying him off to their daughters , he wouldn 't have any time to himself at all . This troubled him greatly and often made him feel overwhelmed . Prince Ackeyun was trying to think of a solution to his problem on one such occasion when he noticed one of the princesses walking unescorted in his palace 's main garden . He immediately sat up from the grassy knoll where he was sitting and walked over to greet her . He bowed slightly forward and said in a courtly manner , " My lady , you should not be walking outside the boundaries of the imperial harem without an attendant to guide you . There are many countries jealous of my wealth . You could very well be captured by one of my enemies if you wander around the palace gardens unescorted . " The lady sat down in the grass , pulling her many skirts around her frame . She smiled up at the prince . " Your highness , you do not have to worry about me . I come from a warrior nation to the northeast of Dagwan . I have been well trained in the art of war . I was going to be a general in my army until my father sent me here . " When she saw the prince 's look of shShare this : FacebookTwitterLinkedInTumblrGooglePinterestRedditEmailPrintLike this : Like Loading . . . Leave a comment Summary : Applena has been managing an orchard left to her with the passing of her parents for many years . One day she gets a visit from a stranger who helps her with various things although she is not sure why . It is a bit rough around the edges . Helpful critiques are welcomed and appreciated . Thank you in advance . In the land of Fenn there lived a maiden with long , curly red hair and deep green eyes that owned and apple orchard that stretched for miles outside the boundaries of the capital city . The apple orchard had been passed down to her by her late father along with his business . For generations , her family had tended the apple trees , picked the apples when they became ripe , and sold them in the nearby capital city of Argeon . The maiden 's family was well known and respected for their apples which people came from all over to purchase for they were said to be the best in all the land . The maiden had lost her mother , Sheria , to a plague that struck the country when she was a small girl . The same plague had come through the valley a few years ago and taken the life of her father Gareth . She was the only member of her house left . " My dear people , I implore you to buy my famous apples ! One taste is enough to prove their worth ! I offer free samples for everyone ! If you are satisfied with the taste , I humbly ask for you to part with your gold and buy a few . " Applena took out a tray with the three different types of apples cut into wedges placed delicately upon it and set it atop her merchant 's booth . About that time a mysterious traveler in a long black cloak walked toward the maiden 's booth . The traveler 's face was hidden behind a dark hood as was the traveler 's garb . The only thing visible was the traveler 's brown boots which stuck out from underneath the cloak . The traveler spotted the maiden selling her apples and stopped by the booth . The mysterious wanderer picked up one of the samples with one of its gloved hands ( it was brown ) and placed the morsel in its mouth ( which was hidden by the cloak ) . The taste was so extraordinary that it made the traveler clap its gloved hands together , exposing part of the shirt behind the cloak , which was a deep blue . The traveler said this in a merry voice . The voice was that of a man , but the tone was too obscure to be able to guess at any age . Applena smiled . " Thank you my dear traveler . Though , you have only tried the valley green variety . Please , do try the yellow and the red . If they are the best apples you have ever tasted , I ask you humbly to purchases a few for your family or friends ! " " My dear woman , your apples are indeed the finest I have ever tasted . I will buy your whole stock of them ! You see , I am the royal cook and I was sent to the market to buy ingredients for one hundred pies I am to make for a banquet being thrown for the king . These apples will be splendid in the pies I intend to bake . Just name me a price and it is yours ! " " I will give you two thousand for offering his majesty such a good deal , my lady . However , with this gold you must heed my advice . If you promise to take the humble instruction of a lowly palace cook you may keep every pound of this handsome payment . " " Yem , I want you to fetch a wagon from the palace kitchen and bring it to this booth as fast as you can manage . I have many pies to bake and little time to do it in . Hurry now , before the apples turn ! " The assistant bowed graciously and mounted a horse . He rode to the palace as fast as the horse could carry him to complete his task . While the assistant was away , the traveler leaned in close to Applena and gave her some words of advice . " My dear maiden , I implore you to listen to this business plan I have been cooking up ( do excuse the pun ) in my head for some time now to sell my own baked goods . With the two thousand I have given you , I feel you should buy a larger booth in the city . The permits for such booths are five hundred Rungles , which would leave you with one thousand five hundred left . With the next five hundred you should hire yourself a helper maiden to pick the apples from your trees for one year , and the next five hundred to hire a helper maiden to tend your trees for one year . The last five hundred shall be used to buy a storage shelter for the apples you do not sell so you may sell them year round . Since I gather that you have many other apples yet to sell in your orchard , you will still make a profit from those in the months to come . With the money from those sells , you should store it up for your own personal needs . Next year , around this time , when the contract of your assistants is almost terminated , I shall return and buy more apples for the festival that always takes place this time of year . I will give you more advice when we meet again . " Before Applena could question the man , his assistant arrived with two horses hitched to a grand wagon . The cook and his assistant loaded the barrels of apples that Applena had lugged to the market in their wagon and covered it with a brown tarp . With the apples neatly tucked away , the assistant mounted one of the horses , and the palace cook mounted the other . He and his assistant drove off leaving Applena with an empty booth except the single pouch of gold coins atop it . Applena took the pouch in her hands . She had never been paid that much money in her entire life . The amount of gold was enough to buy one thousand dresses or any number of useless furniture items to place around her modest dwelling . She was so caught up in the excitement of owning so much gold that she almost forgot the traveler 's advice . Fortunately for Applena , the excitement soon passed and she decided to do what the palace cook had advised her to do . That very day she bought a permit for the largest booth in the marketplace and hired herself two assistants to help her with her work . She journeyed to the builder 's guild and commissioned a team of seven laborers to build her a storage house ( with an enchanted cooling system ) to keep her unsold apples fresh throughout the year . The next few months were spent training her two helpers , waiting patiently for her storage house to be constructed , and selling her apples at the local market . When her storage house was completed , it was about the time of year when her apple trees slept for the fall and winter . Her first assistant , Millie , picked all the apples she could from the trees and then helped the second assistant , Gale , put the over - stock in the newly built store house . Applena had made a great deal of money from the previous months so she did not try to sell her overstock during the winter . Instead , perhaps inspired by the royal cook who had helped her find so much fortune , she decided to use the apples to make baked goods . With the help of her two assistants , Applena made everything from apple jam and apple butter to apple bread and apple pie . She sold her baked goods during the winter month , which drew even more customers than before . The winter month passed and spring was upon the land of Fenn once more . Applena 's trees were bearing fruit which she picked to sell at the local market , this time accompanied by Millie and Gale . Applena had found so much favor that she had nearly forgotten about the palace chef that gave her the advice . Her memory returned to her when the mysterious man in his trademark black cloak came marching toward her booth with his assistant Yem at his side . He outstretched his arms and gave a merry laugh . " My dear maiden , I see you have taken my advice . Bravo ! You seem to be doing very well for yourself . I , of course , by order of the king ( long may he reign ) have come to buy your stock of apples to bake pies for the spring festival . The pies last year were so good that the king feels that two thousand Rungles was not enough payment for them . Thus , this time I shall pay you ( and your lovely assistants ) four thousand Rungles . However , you must heed my advice or I will not give you the gold dear lady . Have we a deal ? " Applena 's eyes widened at the amount of gold the king was willing to offer her for her goods . Eventually she snapped out of her state of wonder . She nodded , quite shaken at the proposal . Applena could see a faint outline of a smile from the other side of the hood . The man 's merry voice rung out from underneath it , " Ah , all is well then . First , I shall fulfill my end of the bargain . Here is the four thousand . " " Now my dear maiden , I will give you my advice . With the first five hundred , you shall renew the contract of your first helper , who tends the apple trees in your orchard . With the next five hundred you will of course renew the contract of your second helper who picks the apples and helps you sell them at the market . This will leave you with three thousand Rungles . Now ! With the first one thousand , you are to set up a bakery in the city . I heard from one of my assistants in the palace kitchen that over the winter you sold baked goods that were a delight to all who tasted them . This talent should not go to waste ! One thousand will be enough to buy you a small building to set up a bakery in . The next one thousand should be used to buy materials for your bakery . The final thousand should be used to decorate and remodel the building you will move your enterprises into . You will sell the booth you own presently to a man named Garm . Garm is an eccentric man who will pay you double what you paid for it . With the one thousand Rungles you earn from Garm , you must buy two assistant cooks from the royal kitchen to help bake your goods in your store . Each will work for five hundred Rungles a year like your two assistants . You yourself will be the patron of the store and your two assistants ( beauties they are ) will continue to tend the trees and deliver the apples to your bakery to be cooked by your hired baking assistants . If you take my advice , surely your business will triple in its sells ! " Before the two men pulled away from Applena 's merchant booth , the chef called back , " I will return the same time next year . I of course , expect you to have a bakery by then . I will ask my assistants in the kitchen where you have set up shop and will journey there when the spring festival is upon us once more . " Gale gave Applena a big smile and graciously accepted the gold coins . She waved goodbye to her friends before setting off to the bank to store her year 's profit away in her savings account . Applena then drew the next five hundred out of the bag and placed it in the hands of her black - haired assistant Millie . Millie gave Applena a curtsy and scooped the gold coins up in her hands . She placed them in a brown pouch hanging at her side that she usually used to store extra apples in . She then ran through the city to her home , where she stored all of her savings in a large safe she kept in the basement of her modest dwelling . Applena was left alone at the booth with her thoughts . She considered herself very fortunate to have met the palace cook and his assistant in the first place and took a moment to thank the heavens for their blessings upon her . Afterwards , she set out to find the man named Garm that the palace cook had mentioned . Surprisingly , it was not too hard to find him . She asked a few of the neighboring merchants that set up shop next to her booth where she might him and they pointed her in the direction of a large building north of her apple stand . She took the large pouch in her hands and said goodbye to her stand . It was the last time she would see the apple booth that she had made so many memories with her customers and friends over the past year in which made her feel a bit sentimental toward it . She took a deep breath and walked toward the old building at the north end of town . She stepped in the door and was immediately greeted by a man with grey hair and a long grey beard to match . She was surprised when the old man said , " That is such a low price ! No , no , no , I 'm afraid that this will not do . I refuse to buy your booth for less than one thousand Rungles . My heavens dear , please do not make me pay any less than that or I shall feel that I have cheated you from your hard - earned money . " Applena promised Garm that she would and rushed out of the old building . As she headed to the south area of the town to purchase a space for her bakery , she realized that she had 4 , 000 Rungles once more , the same amount that the palace chef had given her earlier that day . Even after paying her two assistants , she was still ahead . This made her smile as she reached the town 's legal department and walked inside . She walked up to the counter where a woman in a long , green dress was storing scrolls in their proper locations in a large library behind her . When the woman saw Applena come through the door , she stopped what she was doing and walked to the front counter . She smiled down at Applena as she walked up to the counter . " I would like to purchase a commercial building for a Bakery . Please give me the finest building you have . I also want to make sure the building is in a key tourist location . The money I gave you should be enough for the deed and one year 's rent in advance , in compliance with the city codes . " The woman in the green dress picked the pouch of the counter and counted each of the Rungles within . When she was sure the right amount was presented to her , she pulled a scroll out of one of the cubby holes in a large section located under a sign that read , " Commercial Licenses . " She placed the scroll on the counter and unraveled it . On the scroll were the floor plans for a building with detailed lists of its contents written below it in the country 's language . At the very bottom of the scroll was a line that had a previous owners name crossed out to show that he no longer owned the property . The woman in the green dress pointed toward the line . The woman gathered an ink well and feathered pen from the other side of the counter . She placed them in front of Applena who took the feathered pen out of its well and signed her name on the contract above the previous one . Below her name there was another line that asked for her merchant 's seal . She took a brass seal out of her satchel and a stick of red wax . The woman behind the counter provided her with the light of a lantern to burn the wax . Applena melted the red wax onto the line , over the seal of the previous owner . She placed her seal on top ; one that had an apple tree , the signature seal of her family . With the contract filled out , the woman rolled up the piece of parchment and had a scribe make Applena a copy of the document . The scribe set to work laying the scroll over a lighted area and tracing every detail onto a new scroll with his own ink well and feathered pen . When the document was drawn up , it was given to the woman in the green dress who signed her name at the bottom . The scribe handed her the original scroll and she signed her name in the same place . She handed the scroll to the scribe , who returned it to its place in the library . Applena was given the deed by the woman in the green dress . The woman smiled at her and said , " You are now the owner of your very own bakery . The title you hold in your hands has a map to your bakery 's location . Good luck with your business , ma ' am ! " Applena thanked the woman and set out to find her new bakery 's location . She finally found it at the east side of the town . It was located near one of the major entrances of the city . She knew that it was sure to draw in a lot of business and this made her very happy . It was starting to get late . Applena decided to complete the rest of her tasks the next day . She walked to her empty booth , now owned by the merchant Garm , which still had the cart and two horses she had used to haul the apples to the city in sitting beside it . She mounted the first horse and drove it forward , pulling at the reins of the second horse as she went . In this way she traveled to her orchard outside the city , where her two assistants had already returned for the evening . They lived with her at the orchard for most of the year and had two rooms set aside for them , bedside the main resting chamber of Applena . When Applena came home , the two women greeted her merrily . The women exchanged stories of their day and then went to sleep . In the morning , Applena set out to the city early to buy equipment for her bakery . She traveled to many of the supply stores and purchased inventory for her new bakery located on the east side of the town . She gave each of the supply stores detailed directions to her bakery , where she had her supplies delivered . After getting all of the necessary equipment , Applena realized that it had cost her exactly 1 , 000 gold Rungles , just like the palace cook had said . It took many weeks for all of the supplies for the bakery to be built and delivered . When they arrived , Applena set to work contracting workers to help remodel the inside of the store and to help her set up all of the supplies . This took two months to complete in total . When the bakery was completely set up , Applena realized with wonder that the remolding process had cost her exactly 1 , 000 gold Rungles . The mysterious palace cook had been right again . The only thing left to do was to hire the bakers . Applena had heard of two brothers with great baking skills that lived in the palace . She traveled there with her two assistants on her cart . This time , the three women sat at the head of the cart , and Applena drove it from the driver 's seat above . When they arrived at the front gate of the palace , the guards halted them . The taller guard walked up to the cart and eyed the women suspiciously . " My good , sir , I am here to contract two royals bakers to work in my shop . I have heard from certain sources that there are two brothers who are some of the best bakers in the land . I have the money to pay for their services , should I be allowed to talk to them , and should they be able to work for me . I wish to speak to them for this purpose . " " My lady , the two cooks you refer to are prized by the King . Surely they will not work at a merchant 's bakery , when they are being paid handsomely by the king . However , as is custom in this land , you may seek audience with the king and make your request to him . Proceed through these gates and continue to the main throne room . The king is listening to grievances there as we speak . " Applena thanked the guard and he shouted up at the tower for the other royal guards to open the gates . The massive gates were pulled from each side and revealed a grand stone path that led to the main gates of the palace . Applena drove her cart forward and headed toward the main entrance as Millie and Gale looked at the magnificent statues of past royalty that loomed over the stone path on each side . When Applena reached the main gates of the palace , she was stopped by two other royal guards . This time the shorter guard approached her cart . He was a young man with dark orange eyes . He didn 't look more than sixteen years old . The guard took the reins from Applena 's hands and pointed to an area behind the castle . " You must leave your horse and cart here . They will be placed in the royal stables until you have finished your meeting with the king of our land ( long may he reign ) . From here , the three of you must continue on foot . " Applena nodded and the three women climbed down from the cart . The taller guard climbed onto the main sitting area of the cart and drove it to the royal stables . The younger royal guard signaled to two guards standing above the front door of the palace to open the main gates . They pulled the massive doors open revealing a grand hall . The three women were led to the main audience hall by the young royal guard . He left them in the care of an old palace advisor and returned to his duty guarding the front entrance . The old advisor took the three women to the throne room of the king . The king was listening to the grievances of a group of farmers , who apparently had some dispute over land ownership in another area of his kingdom . Applena and her assistant patiently waited for their meeting with the king to end . There were two other cases presented before the king before it was Applena 's turn . A few hours had passed but the three women hadn 't noticed . They had been keeping themselves entertained with stories about their work in the countryside . The old advisor interrupted their conversation and led Applena and the two women toward the king . He told the women to stand a good ways away from the throne and to kneel before him as they spoke . The three women kneeled at the appropriate distance from the throne . Applena faced the king with determination and said , " Most magnanimous King Superliminous , I have heard that you have two royal chefs that in the entire kingdom are the most skilled at their work and highly valued . I am willing to offer everything I have for their services in my bakery . They could still work at the royal palace , but I seek their services when they are not attending to your needs at the palace . This may seem very bold of me to ask such a thing , but I thought that maybe his majesty would give me some favor , as I am the woman that has supplied you with the apples for the festivals these past two years . With this bakery , I can continue to offer my services to your kingdom and will have more revenue to invest in giving you more apples for your festival . I see it as a good partnership for us both . If your majesty would be so kind , I would like these royal bakers to be part of my shop so I can continue to serve the kingdom . " The stern eyes met Applena 's when he said , " So I am to understand that you want me to lend my best bakers to you , a merchant , so that you may increase your own wealth ? How very bold of a request you make , my lady . Never in all of my years have I seen someone with such determination to succeed at business that she would even contract the service of the king 's royal bakers ! I have to admit that this is unprecedented , this request you make of me . " The king studied the young woman before him . She didn 't look any different than any of the other woman in his kingdom . She wore the same modest clothing , the same hairstyle . She even wore the same jewelry . She was the very model of a Fennian woman . However , there was something special about her , even though he couldn 't quite place his finger on it . She exuded the aura of someone that was wise beyond her years . He also was quite pleased with the apples that had been used in the years past festivals . He didn 't want Applena to know this , however . He continued to look at her with a stern glare that would make any ordinary man shake in his boots . He wanted to see just what this young woman was made of . Applena stood her ground with the bravery of the toughest of the king 's generals . She calmly replied , " My good King Superliminous , I have heard that you are a magnanimous man , willing to help all of those in your kingdom that are in need of your royal aid . Surly , such a grand leader as yourself , can offer but a humble merchant the service of your greatest bakers at least when they are not in the service of you . It is for this kingdom 's benefit that I ask this . With their skills , I can provide the pies for your banquet myself , which will save your royal kitchen staff a lot of trouble during the festival season . This is my reason for asking their services . As a merchant , I of course seek to prosper from the sales of other baked goods I sell in my shop , but this will not detour me from performing this most glorious service for the king every year , should he allow me the honor of performing this task . " The king could not hold in his joy any longer . His stern frown was replaced with a look of great happiness . He smiled down at the ambitious woman below . " My lady , your determination pleases me . I was putting your character to the test , and you have passed . This is what I hereby proclaim ; you will have permanent ownership of the two finest bakers of our kingdom . I will accept whatever Rungles you have for their contracted service to you . Even though they are now legally your employees , I shall compensate them with payment from the palace every year , so they do not feel they have been offered the shorter end of the stick . Everything else , I fear , you must pay for with your own merit . But you see , I am responsible for the wellbeing of these bakers wherever they end up , so they shall continue to be supported by me , even though they are under the ownership now of you . A legal contract will be drawn up to validate your ownership of their services and to ensure that they are paid annually by the government funds of the royal treasury . " She rose up and said , " My good king Superliminous , I thank you from the bottom of my heart . I will make sure to treat your bakers with care . They shall be given residence at my orchard and treated with the every respect a royal baker should receive . " At this he turned to his royal advisor and said , " Advisor Karden , bring forth the royal bakers , Yergis and Shorsin at once . Tell them of their future services to this lady on their route here . This is my command . " " My lord , before you learn of me , you must know of my hardworking assistants . The first one with the brown hair and gold eyes is named Gale . My dear Gale tends the apple trees in my orchard outside the city . The second assistant with the black hair and blue eyes is named Millie . She picks the apples in my orchard and helps me sell them at the market . My dear Gale helps me sell the apples at the market as well . They are both very hard working young woman . They even helped me bake goods to sell at my stand before contracting the services of your fine bakers . They deserve much of the praise . As for me , I am known as Applena . I am the daughter of the late Sheria and Gareth , famous for their apple orchards throughout all of Fenn . It is my hope that my business enterprises will honor them from beyond the grave . " " How marvelous a tale you spin ! Am I to understand that only three women have been tending to the orchards , and selling these goods in the market place ? These young women are hard workers indeed . I have heard of Sheria and Gareth . People would always tell legends of the taste of their apples . I never believed them until I tasted their flavor in the pies at the festival the last two years . I must admit that when I tasted those apples , I thought them to have been grown by a goddess , and here I learn that they were grown by three . Three women is such a small number to tend to such a large orchard . By my word , an important staple of the kingdom should not be tended by so little a staff . From this day forth , my Lady Applena will be given a staff of royal workers , paid to tend the orchards by me . Royal contractors shall build them living arrangements on your land . Money will be provided for them by the royal treasury annually . I appoint the Lady Gale as the supervisor of the workers that will tend the orchard . She shall be compensated by me annually for her services . I appoint the Lady Millie as supervisor of the workers that will pick the apples from the orchard . She will also be compensated annually for her services . You Lady Applena , will be given these two bakers as my gratitude for the services you have provided me these last two years , and of course shall retain your title as the head lady of your staff . These are my gifts to you for your service to the kingdom . Please use them well . " The king raised his scepter above their heads and said , " From this moment forward , you are under contract of the lady Applena . I will compensate you for your services annually . You shall live with her and the rest of her staff at her orchards , which are henceforth under royal care . This is the proclamation of King Superliminous ! " The men bowed humbly before the king and then bowed to their new mistress . Applena gestured for them to raise their heads . She wasn 't used to such formality . She faced the king and smiled at him . " My lord , words cannot express my gratitude for your actions . It is true that you are the most magnanimous of all kings . My you reign for many years to come ! " " I hope that I reign for many years as well , should the gods have that in their plan for me . Now off with the lot of you . There is much to be done before the festival at the end of the year . I will send my contractors to your orchard within the week . They will build homes for your staff . I shall also send guards that will be compensated for their services . May you continue to serve our kingdom into your old age ! " With that , the group left the palace , guided to the front gate by the old royal advisor that had led them in . The royal guards at the front entrance fetched Applena 's cart . This time , the two woman and two men sat in the back of the cart and Applena drove it from the front . She headed back to her orchards with the group of young men and woman chatting amongst themselves behind her . When everyone reached the orchard , Applena showed the two bakers rooms where they could stay . The men thanked her and set to work decorating their rooms with a few possessions they had gathered from their rooms before being led into the main audience chamber of the king . Over the next few months , the king sent contractors to build homes where her staff would live . When the project was complete , a domestic staff was sent to the orchard along with guards , since it was now under royal protection . Applena started running her bakery in the city with the royal bakers , Yergis and Shorsin . With the money from the pies she was able to buy more supplies to make all sorts of wonderful desserts with . People came from all over the kingdom to try her legendary apple concoctions . By the time the festival came around , Applena , Yergis , and Shorsin made enough pies to feed the entire royal court ( with help of Gale , Millie , and some other members of her domestic staff ) . The king was very pleased and did not once regret his decision to put Applena 's apple orchard under the care of the royal house . This same pattern followed for three years . Applena would harvest apples which were made into fine dishes in her bakery and sold to many people , throughout the land . Every year she would bake pies for the festival and be compensated for her services . During the three years , Millie grew to love the baker Shorsin . She loved his carefree attitude , his dark brown hair , and his indigo eyes . Shorsin loved Millie 's cheerful personality , her black hair , and her blue eyes . They teased each other all of the time and were the best of friends . The two married one year after they met . In time , Gale grew to love the spunky , hot headed personality of Yergis . She loved his silky blonde hair and mint green eyes . Yergis loved the practical nature of Gale . He loved her long honey brown hair and golden eyes . It took them a little longer to confess their feelings for one another . With the help of Applena , Yergis worked up the courage to ask Gale to marry him , two years after they met . Gale happily agreed and the two married a few months after . Applena was very happy for them , but there was a part of her that felt very sad . All of the celebrating made her think of the mysterious traveler that had brought her all of her fortune . She wanted to repay him for his kindness , wherever he was . She had asked the king multiple times about him , but the king had insisted that Yem was the head chef and he didn 't know what she was talking about . This made Applena wonder about the mysterious traveler even more . Had he been a fairy that had taken a liking to her ? Was he wandering wizard that had placed an enchantment on Yem to make him follow his commands ? Applena didn 't know the answer . She just counted herself as being very lucky for meeting the man , whoever he was . And so , to pick up where we left off , three years later , at the beginning of the fall season , the same mysterious traveler came to Applena 's bakery where she was hard at work making some items to place in her shop . Applena was very happy to see him . She immediately stopped what she was doing and greeted him at the front counter . " My good sir , my heart is overjoyed to see you here again . You have offered me much advice . I can never begin to repay you for your services . Offer anything you want from me and I will do my best to provide it . " Applena could see a faint smile from the other side of the hood . The man pulled back his cloak and Applena gasped at the face she saw . It was king Superliminous eldest son , Prince Murseilles II . She would recognize his long black hair and red eyes anywhere . Prince Murseilles II was the first in line to the throne . He had two brothers , Prince Alarktrious the middle prince who was the general of the kingdom 's army , and the youngest Prince Paleyentus , who was the governor of the town of Gardaere . All princes had the trademark long black hair and red eyes of the Fennian royalty . Even king Superliminous bore this trait . Applena immediately fell to the floor in reverence , as did her two baker assistants . Prince Murseilles II let out a hearty laugh and gestured for the three to stand up . As they cautiously rose from their positions on the floor Prince Murseilles said , " Now , now , there is no need to show me such formalities . I am not the king yet . As it stands , I am a head Advisor at the palace , which while I admit is an important role , is not as important as my father , the head of the country 's affairs , or my dear mother Elstrica , the head of the royal council . I am but a noble official , and nothing more . There is no need to show this kind of respect to my station . " Applena was surprised at the kindness the prince showed her . It was clear that he had the same generosity as his father . Applena looked at her two baker assistants for a moment and then returned her gaze to the prince . " My lord , I am most honored that you have helped me as much as you have , but I must wonder why you have shown so much favor to me . I am just a common woman , with land rights to be sure , but still as common as any of the other merchants in this marketplace . I must tell you that I am distressed that there is nothing that I could possibly offer you to repay the services you have offered to me . It was my hope that I could give the person who bestowed so much wealth on me something of greater or equal value , but what can one give a prince that he does not already own ? This brings me much sadness , as the only thing I can offer you is my continued allegiance to your father 's court and my eternal gratitude for everything you have done . " " I think there is something else you can do for me , my Lady . If you are so in debt to me for what I have done , than perhaps you can repay me this way . You must come to the castle and be my wife . I will not force you to make this decision , but it is my hope that you will accept my proposal . " Through a strained voice she said , " But my lord , I am just a common girl . I know nothing about governing a country . I know nothing about the royal house . I want to repay you but … I don 't know if I can repay you in this way . Besides , I have the orchard and my bakery to worry about . I can 't just leave them to go off and become part of the royal house . There are many people that depend on me . " " My lady , do not cry . It brings me no joy to see you in such a state . You must know that I have thought of these things myself and I have found a solution . The orchard will be legally handed over to Millie , Yergis , Shorsin , and Gale . They shall co - run the orchard and will be promoted to royal caretakers of the bakery and apple orchards . Their children will inherit that role , as will their children . You will be free to visit the orchards and bakery any time you wish . You will come to the palace and be trained as an advisor . When it comes time to take the throne , you will be trained in the traditional role of the queen , the head of the council . You have the spirit and motivation to be these things . I have faith that you will make a just ruler . For you see , no matter what wealth I gave you , you thought of others . You thought of the girls you contracted . You thought of the wellbeing of the royal bakers . Even now you worry about their future . Compassion is the greatest attribute of a ruler , and you have trait tenfold . I can only surmise that based on this , there is no other person suited for the role of queen , than yourself . " Applena felt a thousand emotions whirling around inside of her at once . She was excited that the prince wanted her to be his wife , but at the same time she was scared she wouldn 't live up to his expectations . She was happy that she finally knew who the masked man was but a bit angry that he hadn 't told her of his true identity before . Many thoughts rand through her head at once . She did not know what to say . " Because when I was a young boy , I went to the market place . I went with a palace assistant , against my father 's instructions , because I wanted to see the city . You were outside the cart with your parents , calling people over to taste your family 's goods . As I watched your family , I wandered away from the advisor I had come to the market with and I became lost . I was terribly upset . The only thing I could think to do was to wait at your parent 's stand . Your parents recognized me immediately . They gave me shelter and offered me their apples to eat . Your father set off to find the advisor that I had wandered away from . As I sat in the shade of the open bed of your cart you came over . You gave me three gold coins and told me to buy a snack from the nearest vendor with it . Don 't be sad , you said , go get something to make yourself feel better . Despite your modest position , you offered me , the prince who has more gold than anyone in this land , everything you had to make me feel better . Back at the palace , people were always kind to me because I was the prince . They never treated me with kindness because they wanted to . It was their duty . But in the entire time I was left at your parent 's cart , you took care of me and even tried to be my friend . You taught me that game , remember ? The one where you put the sticks in a row and have to guess which one has the blessing . You were the only true friend I ever had . When the advisor came back I was sad to leave . I wanted to be your friend . Through the ages when I visited the market , I was kept under better supervision . I would watch you sell the apples to the people of the kingdom with your parents . I couldn 't approach your stand , because I was followed by such a large train of advisors and guards . I watched you grow and grow . When I learned that your parents had died I felt a great sadness for you . I wished that I could have done something to help . So , in repayment I offered my services to you four years ago . I had to come in disguise and in secret so I would not Applena all of the sudden remembered the meeting she had had with the prince all of those years ago . She was surprised that he remembered such a small action of hers so well . Looking into his eyes , Applena knew that the prince 's feelings for her were genuine , so after thinking it over for a moment longer she accepted his proposal . Two months later , the two were married . The shop and orchard were handed over to Mille , Yergis , Shorsin , and Gale to run as the new royal owners . Applena became the second head advisor and was well known for her kindness throughout the land . When the king passed away many years later , Murseilles II took the throne and Applena became his queen . She bore him two sons with the trademark Black hair and red eyes , but also Two daughters with red hair and eyes such a dark color of green that they were almost black . From that day forward , all of the women in the royal house of Fenn had characteristic red hair and black eyes , while the sons kept their black hair and red eyes . The royal house was known for this odd characteristic many generations after Applena and Murseilles II 's rein . It is said that Yergis , Shorsin , Gale , and Millie ran the royal orchards and bakery well . They too had many sons and daughters that carried on their parent 's work long after they died . And this is how the kingdom of Fenn became legendary throughout the world of Iregeya for the generosity of their royal house , and the apples that were grown in its royal orchards . If ever a traveler visited the kingdom , they would stop by the bakery and taste one of the legendary baked goods . And every one of them without fail would say , " Whomever owns the apple orchards that bear the fruit that these goods are made from , surely is blessed by the gods . " Applena would often help out in the bakery or the orchards when time permitted her to , which made her very loved and popular among her people . She would often hear travelers praising her family 's orchard . On the third year of her rein , she decreed the orchards be called " The Orchards of the Gods " after the many rumors that were carried from one end of Iregeya to the other . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
I 've got a bunch of disjointed sections of A World Without God . In the end , if I ever get to that , it will probably be the case that some of this is canon , some of it is a apocrypha , and some of it is heresy . I 'm not entirely sure which bits fall into which category . I 'm trying to sort it into some kind of order , but in a lot of cases I 'm not sure about the order . I 've been thinking about the crazy people who thought I was a witch . Clearly they 're crazy since I 'm not a witch , but that doesn 't mean they 're wrong about everything . If they 're right that this was predicted in the Bible then maybe a Bible has something helpful to say . The light was dying , the fire was kindled , and I had time to kill . When the first star showed through I said the the only prayer I knew . " Star light , star bright , " something moved in the bushes . I stood slowly , it moved again , and kept moving , circling counterclockwise at the edge of the firelight . " By the first star I see tonight , " I got a glimpse of hairless flesh . I knew what it was , another of the countless nameless beasts that had emerged since the disappearances , these ones were about the size of German Shepherds and hunted in packs . The one I heard was trying to distract and disorient me . It wanted to have me stay in place , hoping the fire would protect me , spinning in place to stay facing it . Then , when I was dizzy and looking where it wanted me to look , its friends would attack from behind . I had a different plan . The ambushers always stayed on the opposite side of the fire from the distraction , if I chased it I 'd always have the fire between me and the others , and they 'd be to my side , not my back . Which was probably pointless given I was still talking , " I wish I may . " I suppose I just wanted to stay in practice . The thing in front of me realized I wasn 't playing along and broke into a sprint . " I wish I might , " so did I . Soon my heart was pounding in my ears and my lungs burned . I reminded myself , yet again , that I had to find a way to get into better shape . I knew running around through the trees in circles in the place where light meets shadow wasn 't a sustainable plan , I had to make it change course . I switched the gun to my left hand and pulled out a rock I keep in my pocket , should ever the need arise , with my right . Then I threw it as hard as I could to my left . It probably would have been better to do that with my left hand , but the rock was in my right pocket . When it heard the rock hit whatever the rock hit , the thing made a bee line to elsewhere , and soon found itself right up a tree . I slowed down and caught my breath as I approached . A few more steps and I could see it . No two of these things were exactly alike , but certain features were fairly common . They looked like mammals , sort of , but with the exception of a few seemingly random tufts they had no hair . Most of their skin was unbelievably smooth , almost rubbery , but there were always patches and streaks of course cracked almost scaly bits scattered about marring their naked bodies . This one 's skin was almost Caucasian , but they seemed to come in all colors . Their long sharp teeth never fit in their mouths , and never followed any recognizable pattern . Their heads were shaped like a disturbed child 's attempt at creating an alligator , their bodies were fairly doglike , their legs never seemed to have the same number of joints . The fifth leg of the one on the tree was certainly distinctive , but it didn 't seem to serve any purpose . Other than making the creature 's left side longer than its right the extra leg didn 't seem to do anything other than give it a redundant point of balance . I switched the gun to my right hand and took a step closer . It 's outermost teeth were about level with my eyes , drool dripped to the ground . I pointed my gun between it 's eyes " I wish , " it snarled and three of its legs tensed . I fired . I spun around . There were two more , one had already pounced , I didn 't have time to shoot . I hit it with the gun as hard as I could , shot the other one , and then shot the one I hit . I took a moment to make sure they were really dead . " Tonight . " I found a church on my fourth try . The first three had been burned to the ground . The one that survived was a simple wood building with an intact steeple . As I walked into it , torch in hand , I heard things flee the light . One of the things had too many legs to be as large as it sounded , and when I heard it skitter up the wall I was sure that I didn 't want to meet it . Most of the sounds seemed to come from rodents . A quick look around revealed that I was sharing the building with several things that didn 't want to be seen . A flash of color and they 'd recede into the darkness . The larger problem was the darkness itself . Not all of it retreated from the torch . Some of the shadows couldn 't be explained by simple optics , and that , as much as anything could ever be , was a sign I shouldn 't stay longer than I absolutely had to . The problem was the Bible itself . It had been devoured by by bugs . Horrid twisty crawling things with more legs than I cared to think about . I screamed when I saw what I 'd picked up . I also dropped the torch , thankfully the building didn 't light on fire . The next Bible was the same , and then next one , and the next pew . And every single place a Bible might be stored . The church was useless to me . So was the church after that , and the one after that . Bookstores were no better . Finally I had a minor revelation . From when I realized what I should be doing it took me two days to get to a motel . I broke down one door , opened one drawer , and there it was . Thank you , Gideons . Unfortunately it did not contain a chapter on what to do should the world be overrun by hell stuff . In fact the entire Book of Revelations seemed dense and unhelpful . Such is life , I suppose . [ I have no idea when or where this takes place . I do know that it isn 't in the character 's home because that doesn 't really have much in the way of tables . Or cabinets . This is clearly in an abandoned town , I 'm just not sure when or why or where . ] " There 's not a demon in him , " about half a second after Jacob said that a spike shot out of Andrew 's right side . It impaled some helpless cabinet . We all scrambled to be on the other side of Andrew as something happened where the spike had come from . At first it was impossible to tell what was going on , the activity was obscured by his shirt , but soon his shirt was ripped apart . " I 've got a hatchet , " Jacob said , " We could . . . you know . . . " Something that looked for all the world like an octopus tentacle emerged from the growth and swatted at us , forcing us to retreat further from the table . " Ok , that 's cheating . " I couldn 't agree more . No human being should have an octopus part attached to them , demons or no . I couldn 't sleep so I listened to them talk . That 's not quite accurate . I couldn 't sleep because I listened to them talk . I tried to tune them out , but I was unable to do that . Apparently Ethan had no such problems , I can say this because he snores . I think that they must have thought I was asleep too . " If we do this then it 'll be the five of us . She wouldn 't be the only one in our debt , he 'd owe us too . " She was right , if they helped me save Jessica I 'd be in their debt pretty much forever . " We 'd practically double our numbers . " " Right , and we know about someone who is in need of being taught . The problem is that we 're here and she 's there . It 'll be a lot easier to teach her when we 're in the same place so we should get her out of there and bring her here . Otherwise , how will her soul be saved ? " I am still convinced that if I had been taken and Jessica left behind she would have found a way to rescue me by now . I just haven 't figured out what that way would be . Maybe that 's why they took her . If the competent people are kidnapped , there will be no one left capable of saving them . I 've also come to a disturbing realization . Jessica was taken by demons , and while I 'm sure she doesn 't like being a captive , I 'm also pretty sure that she can afford to wait . I can tell that she 's still alive in spite of the time that 's passed , and I 'm pretty sure she 's unharmed . That 's with her being a captive of demons . If she had been taken by a human being that simply could not be the case . Each time something has forced me to put Jessica on hold it has been human action . This time the parallel couldn 't be more close , someone has abducted people . Unlike the demons who took Jessica , he kills those he 's taken . He does it fast . He started after I left and has gone through eleven so far . He alternates between male and female . Ethan was injured and we were bringing home so he could recover . On our way the kidnapper , I don 't even know his name , took Mary . Unlike Jessica , she can 't afford to be put on hold . Her captor is human , and it appears that that 's much much worse than a demon . Or at least worse than certain demons . What I feel now is not compassion for my friend , though I know it should be . No , I 'm enraged because of how I feel . He hurt someone I 'm responsible for , so I feel like it 's a crime against me , not her . I know it 's insane , but I cannot change how I feel . On the one hand , I want it to last . On the other , I want something that has flash and style . But if I set him on fire , then it won 't last . How long can someone survive like that ? Minutes maybe ? Not long enough . We came across a settlement , a little under 300 people . We killed everyone . Some because they begged us to . The rest because they were the reason the others begged us to . I had a chance to look around and see some of the things that have changed . We have a cow . Sort of . It has an overall cowish shape , it apparently came out of a cow , it has udders . It also has what looks like an elk antler coming out of its right cheekbone . I 'm told that she produces a milk like substance . When I was shown it it didn 't seem very milk like . It seemed like milk colored sap , but I 'm told that if mixed with water and boiled it really is like milk . They tested it on the cat , which has not yet mutated into something deadly or deformed , thus they assume it is safe . It was entirely unsatisfying , but at least he 's dead . He had even more time his current victim than with Mary . I cannot repeat what David said to me , I don 't want to remember the exact words . I don 't want to remember how I felt . He 's recovering now . That 's not the right word . It makes it sound like his arm will grow back . I don 't know what the right word is . The trees in the surrounding area had lost their leaves and changed into twisted spiked forms . The ground cover was a kind of black goop , and when we made it through we saw why the had been abducting people . The people , the slaves , were being forced to build . Other than being slaves there was no evidence that they were mistreated , in fact they seemed to be fairly well fed . What they were building was a giant temple , the finished portions looked like they were cut from solid obsidian , but it was really made of hardened goop on a wood frame . It was the biggest thing I 've ever seen , a kind of stepped pyramid . It felt like it went on forever . [ and in here there 's the drawn out process of freeing groups of people and pointing each of them in different directions in hopes the faceless flying things won 't be able to track all of them . At first it seemed like things went really well , as the the demons dropped everything to chase after the first group , making it easier to free the next group , and pretty soon there were more people free than demons to chase them , and it seemed like everyone got away . The narrator realized that that was pretty much impossible , and discovered that the demony things were herding the escapees into larger and larger groups that would be easier to track . And then , stuff happens . Um , yeah . ] He was safe surrounded by like minded people but when it turned out that they were only like minded for the most part , and not one the relatively small matter of whether I should be killed , he took a stand and walked away . He did this after I had gotten away and the point was moot . He did it on principle alone . That 's great , we need more like him in that respect . Even though I think that he brings less to the table than Justine or Mary , who did the same thing , I 'm happy to have him with us . For the most part . But just as Ethan reached a point where he had to draw a line and say one thing was going to far , I 've been getting to that point with him . He hasn 't been playing well with others . Or rather other . One specific other . It doesn 't even make any sense , he and she have no need to interact at all anyway , I don 't see why he doesn 't just ignore her and hold his tongue when she 's around . It would literally be the least he could do . He 'd still be being an asshole , but at least not be as active about it . Her name is Jenny and she 's a really good cook . I don 't know much about her beyond that . Dark hair , light skin . Tall I guess . She speaks softly , often to the point she 's hard to hear . The only thing I care about is that she can make the dead abominations we bring her into edible food . Good food even . That isn 't enough for him . I tried to explain that she 's not an abomination , she simply cooks them , but no . He wouldn 't listen . He said that somewhere in the Bible it says something about men acting like women , or wearing women 's clothes , or something . I don 't know exactly what . I don 't want to know . I don 't care . It doesn 't apply to her anyway , she 's not a man . He didn 't listen . He talked about how horrible it was for her to have made the change that she did . He seemed shocked when I said that I didn 't have any problem with it , he couldn 't believe it . I suppose he 's right , I do have one problem with it . She picked a name starting with J . I 've always had trouble with names , and when they have the same first letter it 's infinitely worse . Justine and Jessica and Jordan and Jane and the others to which Jenny has been added all run together . Even though I 've known Jessica for years . I just suck at names , I get it from my mother . This simply cannot stand . We kill abominations . We exterminate evil . To say that Jenny is one of these things is to say that she should be put down . It is nothing less , it can be nothing less . Middle ground doesn 't exist any more . Well , it does , but not within the field of evil abominations . If we are to survive we need to oppose evil at every turn . We need to fight it tooth and nail . We are at war against the abominations . To say that Jenny is evil is to say that she is the enemy . That is not something that you say to a group of people who are on edge , armed , and watching their humanity slowly slip away . It is not safe . So I explained that if he does not stop acting this way I will shoot him . I will not kill him , I like him most of the time and I definitely wouldn 't want to deal with the fallout from his friends , but I will shoot him . I also added that if he keeps on using the Bible to justify his bigotry I will go down to the coast , set a trap , and hit him with a lobster as soon as humanly possible . I don 't know Jenny that well , she 's not my friend , but she is a part of the community and that 's enough . She 's a human being and that 's enough . Plus , I 'm the reason Ethan is here , that makes me responsible for any damage he does . It called me a demon . It said it was going to kill me . I didn 't say anything nearly that coherent . I said , " What ? ! I 'm not … I … I was born on the twenty seventh of may at Mercy Hospital . It snowed that day . Growing up I always imagined that it looked like a Christmas card , and when I got older I realized that snow in May doesn 't work that way . My father died when I was three , I have no memories of him . But I know that demons don 't have fathers who die of cancer . " My mother was a mathematician . She had green eyes and long red hair . Her skin was pale and her freckles were many . She used to read 19th century poetry to me when she tucked me in at night . Do demons even have mothers ? " I flunked sixth grade science because I spent my time thinking about a girl I thought I was in love with . I didn 't even know her name . I 'm not a demon . " Walking backwards is an art . Anyone who ever looked down on tour guides needs to seriously rethink their position . Even knowing where every obstruction is it 's hard to plant you feet well , keep moving , and keep the person in front of you engaged enough in what you 're saying to prevent them from killing you all at the same time . I 've never been one to delve too deeply into symbols and meanings beyond what 's on the surface . I think that Frost 's Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening was about stopping by the woods on a snowy evening . In fact , I have a suspicion that he may be recounting an actual event . I don 't think that we need to resort to symbolic analysis . You read the poem , or better still speak it , and you feel something . I think that what you feel is the point . But then everyone has to bring their view to the table . " Of course it 's about death . " " Of course the dark woods symbolize dying . " " Of course it 's about suicide and obligations preventing it . " " Of course " they say . " Of course " means that it in no way follows . Their analysis is a way to tear something beautiful apart . To rip it limb from limb from limb in hopes that somehow the deconstruction will allow them to understand better . Maybe we were never meant to understand . Maybe we were meant to feel . To feel it without a ridged framework , without dissecting it . To take it as it is and have that change us . Yet today I feel like I have a better understanding of what they mean . I was trying to get something out of my head . Something I refuse to write down . Something that I don 't want to do , but it wouldn 't go away . As it felt more and more inevitable I suddenly found myself at a cliff face . There hadn 't been one there Before , it looked to me like the land had been eaten away . It was so tempting to simply step out into space . My friends would all be safe from me . I wouldn 't have to worry about losing control and finding that I 'd let one of those thoughts get the better of me . Ever since I 'd tapped into my other senses I 've been the best killer around , I 'm not convinced that I could be stopped . There are plenty of people who could beat me in a fair fight , but it wouldn 't be a fair fight . Andrew came to me one day , said he 'd traded for guard duty with someone else but hadn 't gotten a weapon , asked to borrow my pistol . I gave it to him , he walked away , and as soon as I was out of sight I heard the shot . It was a clean kill and he was dead when I got there . By the end of the day I 'd figured out why . He 'd been out making snares by the river in hopes of catching some food , and come across a woman bathing . She didn 't say why she was where she was , but I 'd guess she was so far from camp for safety . I think there 's safety in numbers , but there are other theories . She probably figured that if she went far enough away no one would be likely to run across her and thus she 'd be safe for that reason . Anyway , he did run across her . She said that he just apologized and went away . That there was nothing that stood out as strange . The word she used to describe the encounter was awkward , not threatening or disturbing or anything that set off red flags . But I understood . When he came across her that meant they were alone , where no one would know what had happened , and he was armed . Plus she was probably naked . I can only imagine what might have gone through his head , and if he felt that he couldn 't maintain control then I think he probably did the right thing . I hope that if I should find myself on the edge of losing control I can do the same thing . I have the same gun . I found God today . I was considering doing what Andrew did , I was considering going away and never returning . I ran from our settlement . I ran as fast as I could and as far as I could until I collapsed to the ground gasping . I didn 't realize at the time , but looking back the effect was almost immediate . I haven 't wanted to do unspeakable things since I said it . God helped me . When I returned and saw Jessica I felt simple joy for the first time since the disappearances . Not even when I finally got to her after she 'd been abducted have I really felt that way . It 's like whatever part of me feels for others has been turned back on . Jessica asked me what I believed today , I tried to get her to ask Justine or Mary instead , even Ethan . We have three Rapturist Christians on hand any one of who knew more about the theology I was coming to believe than I did . She wanted to hear it from me . I realize that I haven 't written down what I believe yet , so here goes . God created the universe , but didn 't exactly do a perfect job of it . When I speculated that it was a result of the raw materials God had available Jessica said that she understood , she 's read the Timaeus . I haven 't , but I assume it involves creating something from less than perfect raw materials and being limited as a result of it . Anyway , God created the world , and created it flawed , but used a series of modifications to make it work . The problem was that even with the various patches the world still wasn 't right and got worse with time . The world as we knew it was pretty well doomed and needed to be rebuilt from the ground up , which meant removing the various patches first , a process that would take about seven years . Jessica had two questions . The first was whether I meant patches as in software or patches as in the hull of a boat . First off , the term patch does not appear in the theology , that 's my own description . Second , I think that both fit . It is like reality was a flawed program with an extensive bug list that needed a lot of alterations . But also I think that a patch on a boat is a good analogy . When the first patch was removed evil flooded into the world like water rushing through a hole in a hull . The second question was why this wasn 't done before . If I 'm right God knew this was coming at least two thousand years ago , yet it only happened now . My answer to her was in the form of a simple question . I told her to look around , to think about everything that had happened since the disappearances . I asked her if she could have delayed it , even for a single day , would she have . I think that any God worth caring about wouldn 't want to do this , no matter how necessary it was . I think that any God worth following would put this off to the last possible day . The last possible hour . The last possible minute . The last possible second . If I were God , and I knew that one day this absolutely had to happen I would put it off for a thousand years , and then when a thousand years had passed I 'd put it off again . And again . And again . As many times as I could . Because the fact that something has to happen doesn 't mean it has to happen today . God left and took with her everyone that she could . Of course Jessica wanted to know what made it so she could take those people with her . One of the Rapturists could probably have quoted some verses or something , I can 't . I 've only got supposition . Or perhaps more accurately : wild guessing with no foundation in anything . My guesses are as follows : First children haven 't been in the world as long as the rest of us so they haven 't been tainted by it . We have . Everyone who remains has been wallowing in it . Even with God placing a piece of herself in each and every one of us to hold back the darkness , we still lose our innocence with time . I actually want to pause here for a moment to point something out . If I 'm right , if the Rapturists are right , then that means that God was ripping off a piece of herself to protect every single human being . A new person is born , God rips off another part of her soul , the holy spirit , to protect our souls . By the time of the disappearances that means that God had ripped well over six billion pieces of her own soul off . And she did it for us . That is devotion . Ok , so anyway , God had a piece of herself in each of us to hold back the greatest part of our darker natures . Obviously that worked better in some cases than others . That piece was not , for the most part , enough to evacuate us when the time came to leave . For that she needed to have us invite her in and consent to be taken when the time came . That required someone to consciously invite God in , be aware that the disappearances were coming , and be willing to go when the time came . Or something like that . This tells us something important about God , that being that God can only do so much without getting permission . The most important thing in the present situation is that what God can do without permission now is far less than it once was since God is now mostly withdrawn . To even get the previously unnoticed benefit of having God keep our inner darkness at bay , I believe that it is now required to invite God in , as I have done . As I want Jessica to do . As I want everyone to do . I 've forgotten most of the details , but the timeline is one of deconstruction . Seals are broken . Jessica asked what seals were and I said that seals are first century shorthand for , " John , I don 't want to explain what it means to have cobbled together after market modifications to reality itself , so I 'm going to use a metaphor , just understand that I need to break them . " Or something like that . Seals are what holds a scroll closed . When we get to bowls we again see a theme of containment . Bowls hold things in so that they cannot spill out onto the world below . The problem is that you have to move the bowls to fix the table and sometimes the bowl is too heavy to move unless you dump it out first , which does rain chaos and destruction down onto the table , but it 's a necessary first step in clearing off the table so that it might be fixed . The important thing is to look after one another . We were given a list of commands , feed the hungry and such . If we want to do our part to make sure things work out , and based on the way things look right now God probably needs all the help she can get , we need to help everyone we can . We need to look after those she can 't . We need to fight to make the world a better place because everything around us will be fighting to do the opposite . Hi God . How are you ? I hope you 're doing well because that would mean that one of us is . Tell my friends and family that I love them . Keep everyone safe . The others finally attacked , land ones , things that somewhat resembled wolves and bears , were herded to towards us and then , once a stampede of those were attacking the others came from the air . We tried to fight them off with recently improvised bows and arrows and anything that could be used as a weapon . We were losing badly and then he came in . He was riding a strong white horse . He had a sort of metal headband , Justine says it 's a crown , but it looks like a metal headband to me . At first I thought he was fighting with a bow and arrow too , but when I looked closer I realized that there were no arrows , there wasn 't even a bowstring . He pulled back on empty air , the bow bent , he released , the bow snapped back , and what he was pointing at died . Demons dropped at an astounding rate . The bow was just a piece of wood . I 'm sure of it . Lovingly crafted into a bow perhaps , but just a piece of wood with no power of its own . I have no idea how he was killing the things that he killed . I 'm just thankful that he did . There was a sort of meeting ceremony thing . The man with the bow , the one Justine thinks is the antichrist , explained how things would be from now on . On the one hand , he wanted to be in charge . Just him , completely autocracy . Below him he said we could have whatever form of government we wanted , but he had final say . Also , law and order of some form or other . Not having to worry about being kidnapped and have parts of you cut off , or worse . He said that they had driven the darkness back elsewhere and would do the same here . Tomorrow he 'd move on , but he 'd leave representatives here . I got the impression that the only real reason he was here was that we were between him and somewhere else . He felt to important to be one of the planned stops on his itinerary . The question remained of course , what if he is the Antichrist ? Jessica asked if we should kill him . I thought that was premature , what if he was just a guy ? But there was also another reason not to . I could tell that that would be a profoundly bad idea . Everything in me screamed out that it was something we should under no circumstances attempt . I said that it was a bad idea , but I couldn 't elaborate on why . I tried to push out and figure out where this feeling was coming from , but it was impossible , as if whenever I thought I 'd grabbed hold of it it slipped away . Then I felt something I 'd never felt before . I told the others he noticed us , because he had . Somehow I knew that he was looking at us the same way I was looking at him . Without his eyes . After his thing was over he came over to me and asked me to join him . No one else , just me . I declined . I explained that my place was here with my friends . He said he understood , and left me alone . It seemed perfectly fine . There was nothing threatening at all , but I got the distinct impression he could have killed me if he 'd wanted to , and done it before I knew I was in danger . We met with one of his aides , someone trying to form a Resistance . He , like Justine , believes that Xaiver , the guy with the bow , is the antichrist . Again Jessica asked the obvious question . If he 's evil , why don 't we simply end him ? His response was , " Yeah . . . don 't do that . " " Well I have . It doesn 't smell good and it 's not how I want to die . I don 't think he notices when people act against him indirectly , otherwise I 'd be dead . But the moment you try to physically harm him he knows , and he 'll respond . " " Wherever he goes , I go , and whenever he tells people about his grand plan for the future I tell people that there is another option . I tell people not to give up , I tell them to start forming a resistance . I tell them that some things are worth fighting for and that they should know that whatever they do to oppose him , they won 't be alone . I asked him about the way I 'd been singled out and offered a job and was relieved to hear that I wasn 't the only one . Just about everywhere he goes he does that to people apparently , sometimes multiple people , some accept , some decline . I was assured that if he ever does decide to act against those who turned him down I will be significantly down the list . I have an apartment now . Free of charge . To get inside I have to use voice identification , as does any guest I bring with me . If more people enter than identify themselves the police will come . If there is any evidence of duress in a person 's voice , the police will come . If a non - roommate is in the apartment for more than a certain unspecified time , the apartment will automatically demand the person read a randomly generated phrase , if this is not done , there is evidence that the words of the phrase was prerecorded , or evidence of unusual stress in the person 's voice , the police will come . If my apartment is randomly selected by a computer , the police will come . Also , reaching out with senses other than the usual ones I have noticed that there is some kind of device hidden from view in each room . I 'm guessing that it is some kind of surveillance thing , though I really have no idea because anything electronic is just wires and circuit board to me . I assume that if I do anything naughty , the police will come . Jessica and I were first to the site of the impact , Ryan and Chelsea not far behind . There were broken branches , on the ground , knocked out by what had fallen through the trees , that was expected . What wasn 't was the what had fallen . It was a woman . Actually that assessment is the matter of some debate . Our first guess was that something had picked her up and dropped her , like shellfish on the rocks , just without the rocks . And the shellfish . The assumption was that she was a human woman . Then Ryan had to introduce a competing hypothesis just because we noticed that she happened to be alive in spite of the fact that , based on the apparent sturdiness of some of the broken branches , she hit with way too much force to survive . Some she was half covered tree bits , clearly very scraped and banged up , unconscious , and breathing with difficulty . I went to help her and Ryan said wait . Generally speaking if someone tells you to stop moving , you stop moving . Doing otherwise could be fatal . But when the explanation is , " What if she 's an angel ? " It 's somewhat - I cannot put into words what an odd thing it is to hear . Ryan has a somewhat unique theology . We agree on just about everything , except for the parts that matter . Specifically he believes that we are here because we are damned , that God is doing the things she is doing not because she needs to , but because she wants to . Because she thinks that we deserve it . Though , actually , Ryan would say that God is a he . There are so many things wrong with that way of thinking that I didn 't even know where to start , I just made my way towards her . Then Chelsea said that maybe Ryan was right , not about the angel thing but she said , " Nothing human could have survived that . When was the last time something inhuman wasn 't evil ? " I looked at the woman again , she was half covered by pine branches , sap and blood mingled on her face , her hair was the same fiery orange , inexplicably known as red , as my mother 's . She was having trouble breathing . She needed helping . Ryan said that shed kill us all . I reached out and saw that he might be right , even weakened she probably had the ability to kill us all . I also saw that she really was injured . I told Ryan I was willing to take that chance . Jessica was ahead of me , she started clearing the debris off of the woman . When her wings came into view Ryan went apoplectic . Thankfully he was just shouting , he didn 't actually do anything . I probably should have pointed out that if his shouting didn 't wake her up , it was unlikely anything we did would cause her to suddenly spring up and go into terminator mode . The angel woke up . I probably should have asked about theology , truth , the creation of the universe , and that sort of thing . I gave her water and asked her about herself . Her name is Sofiel , she 's on her own . From now till judgment day she 's not getting any more help from Heaven than any of the rest of us . And she doesn 't know any more about how things are going than the rest of us . She doesn 't really have any kind of a plan . She 's just here to do what she can . The same as the rest of us . Also , she has my accent . And Jessica 's accent . And the accent of whomever she happens to be speaking to at the time . If I could have any accent , I 'm pretty sure I wouldn 't pick mine . We tied Alex to a tree good sturdy rope . I 'm not sure where we got it . We had him wait for six hours first , to try to put the thing in him off balance . Then we brought out Sofiel . Being here is taking a toll on her and it really shows . Her wings are molting , her skin is pale and flaking , I think the hair loss has stopped , but it is impossible to not notice how thin it 's become . She looks frail , but she still walks with grace and strength . No idea if she can still fly . Alex , or rather the nameless thing inside of Alex , spoke . He laughed and asked what she 'd done to be thrown out of Heaven . She walked over to him , he was seated on the ground , his arms tied back around the tree . She had to squat to look him in the eye : " I volunteered . " She let that hang a moment , then continued , " You think this is a punishment ? You think I wanted to be standing idly by while the world burns ? You think I wanted to be safe in Heaven dividing my time between training for the final battle and playing with children while people suffered ? " I asked to be here , and I was lucky to be allowed to come . Many more wanted to but couldn 't be spared . This is my reward . [ In the book The Mark , Buck and a sidekick go to a mark application facility ( taking the mark damns your soul in Left Behind ) , one girl asks for some time to think it over . She 's told , basically , to go head over to get her head chopped off , if she hasn 't made up her mind by the time she gets to the guillotine they 'll chop off her head . Buck does nothing . Nothing at all . Given that she doesn 't really have time to think it over she defaults to " I 'd rather not get my head chopped off . " This will damn her for all eternity . Buck does nothing . ] There has to come a point where you say , " Fuck the mission , " and do the stupid thing . It simply cannot be otherwise . If you 're not willing to draw a line somewhere , then nothing separates you from the other side . People can say what they wish about the ends justifying the means , but it seems to me that life is an endless series of means . Which is the only justification I can offer for what I did . First I tried to do it without breaking cover . I tried to argue that the regime didn 't want people who would reject the mark given the chance . That didn 't work , I got louder , they didn 't respond . So I grabbed the nearest one 's gun , and shot him along with one of his coworkers . While I did that I reached out to the surrounding building , there was a pipe filled with steam , I neither knew nor cared why it should be there or what purpose it might serve . I convinced it to warm , then get hotter still , until it exploded . That distracted the guards near it for a moment , as blasts of hot steam are wont to do . I grabbed the keys to the door from the guard I shot as he fell . I opened the door , told those inside to run , and turned to face the surviving guards . I shot one . The other one shot me . It 's been years since everything collapsed . Years since demons walked the earth . Years since the Antichrist came . It 's the first time I 've been shot . I was on the ground before I knew what had happened . I killed the remaining guard as I lay there . The cell emptied , though not entirely . Some didn 't run . It took a bit for the pain to set in , at first I didn 't even realize where I 'd been shot . I didn 't care either . I reached out and saw the whole facility . Many more guards , police , peacekeepers , soldiers , and assorted people with guns . There were dogs and cameras , and everything anyone would want if they intended to hunt down fugitives . An escape attempt was extremely ill advised , but I had to come up with some way to make it work , because I was the one who advised it . There were alarms all over , you just push a button , an alarm sounds , and the troops come pouring in . Really all that separated an off alarm from and on one was a charge in the tiniest of circuits . I figured that if I could burst a pipe I could probably work with that . I set off an alarm as far from where they were running as I could . Then the pain set in . I cannot describe what it feels like . All I can say is that for a moment my entire world was my right shoulder . Everything else shut down and all I could experience was pain . I wondered , and still wonder , if that 's what it feels like to have a hole punched in your shoulder , what must it be like to have someone who enjoys pain cut something off of you . Say an ear or a finger . That was the first thing I could think of other than the pain itself , but I pushed through it and tried to get the lay of the land . The people running had separated into two groups . The girl who had wanted more time was in the smaller one . Five other people , one of them female , the rest male . As near as I could tell at one intersection they went left , while the others went right . I wasn 't sure what I could do to help beyond what I 'd already done . The alarm seemed to have worked , so I set off some more , again , far away from them . Guards went to them , but when they found nothing I expected them to return . I needed a more substantial distraction than alarms no one had sounded . I looked for something else . I found it when my attention turned to the guillotines and the injectors . Much as I may have wished otherwise they were not surrounded by large quantities of stuff that goes boom . They were , however , in the direction the escapees were not running , and they were crying out to be destroyed . I hated them , merely thinking about them roused in me a burning anger that no other inanimate object had ever created . I took my rage and gave it form . I connected my self to that facility and poured what I felt into every speck of dust or breath of air . The temperature rose . I don 't know whether it was the exertion or the blood loss , but I started to black out . I fought to stay connected , to keep on working . Plastic melted . The larger group made a wrong turn , they found themselves surrounded and surrendered . But the small group was still free and still moving in the right direction . I figured that I just had to keep people occupied and they 'd get away . I kept on working on the mark application and beheading room . The windows and doors felt the pressure as the air inside became much , much hotter than that outside . That gave me an idea and I devoted some of my attention to helping the windows and doors hold . The room was far from air tight , but I was changing the temperature fast enough that it couldn 't hope to keep the pressure equal . I lost all sense of time . I quoted an evil computer 's discussion of hate , and I made the temperature rise . Finally , I just let go . The windows exploded , the air rushed out , and then the room collapsed . Everyone heard it , everyone responded . Guards who had concluded the alarm was a glitch and had been heading back to their posts ran to investigate the explosion . I was woken up soon afterward as I was dragged into the cell by those who hadn 't gotten away . My extra senses were gone . Burnt out , I assumed . I was laid on the ground and I heard the cell door close and lock . Someone , presumably whoever was in charge started talking to me from the other side of that door . I couldn 't see him , I was lying flat on by back , my feet towards the door . He seemed haughty , and angry . I really only remember the last things he said . " You think you can come into my base , pretend to be an officer , blow up my equipment , and break people out of my prison cells ? " I don 't even know where to begin . First off , I didn 't think I could do that , I did do that . Second , what other type of cell would I be breaking people out of ? His eukaryotic cells ? Third , the fact he was saying that and not telling me that additional prisoners , or their corpses , would soon be joining me , led me to a simple conclusion , " So I guess the others got away . " Ok , maybe my logic wasn 't flawless , but it made sense that the recaptured people would be returned immediately , and I would be dragged in when they were . So the other people couldn 't be back yet , and he made no mention of their imminent return . I suppose there are any number of wonderful ways to answer that , but for me , in that moment , there was only one . In retrospect I probably should have put more thought into it . I was bleeding on the floor and unlikely to get medical attention , I should have realized that those might have been my last words . I should have considered them carefully . Then again , I might have come to the same thing in the end . I didn 't ask myself what would Jesus say , or what would Nathan Ford say . I didn 't ask anything , I just said what my mother would have said : When I paused between stanzas one of the other prisoners started doing something with my shoulder . I 'm guessing that they were trying to stop the bleeding , put on an improvised bandage of some kind , something like that . All I really know is that it hurt like hell . I focused on the words and kept going through the pain . Some people would stop there , but if my mother taught me nothing else she taught me that you can 't stop at just three stanzas . You 've got to do the whole thing . As a tear reached my right ear , I became lost in a memory : the time I couldn 't make it through . My mother 's funeral . I 'd wanted to recite her favorite poem for her , one last time . But after I struggled through the third stanza , stumbling over the last two lines , I couldn 't form any more words . All I could do was sob . My entire extended family was watching me , on any other day the embarrassment might have killed me , but on that day I was too broken to even notice . There had been nothing right about the day . It was bright and the sun was shining , there was a pleasant breeze and the grass was green . It was like the world didn 't know what it had lost . Like it didn 't care . Like my mother hadn 't mattered . It was supposed to be dark , dreary , windy , and if not raining at least with an annoying drizzle . The memory ended with the stanza , but I couldn 't bring the room back into focus . For some reason my right hand suddenly seemed very important . It was sticky , obviously blood , but I had no idea how it would have gotten there . I 'd grabbed my shoulder with my left . It would have been incredibly awkward to get my right hand anywhere near the blood . I definitely would have noticed . Then for whatever reason my thoughts turned to setting up camp in the woods , after we had to flee the cities the second time . I remembered how different it was from the first time . That time we weren 't worried about our baser instincts , that time we weren 't worried we 'd end up killing each other . Even though , theoretically , a global regime was out to kill us , there had been a lot of joy , and a lot of fun . Of course once the set up was finished there was work to do , the hard work of actually resisting a global force of evil wasn 't nearly as much fun . Nor was having to pick up and leave once they found our home in the woods . Those thoughts waited until the break between stanzas , and I wondered what would happen if I were tortured . I 'd break , of course I 'd break . But then what ? Would the others have been smart enough to run away before then , or would they all die because of me ? I pushed the thoughts from my head . I had a poem to finish . This part seemed like it fit . The prison cell , the hole in my shoulder , my blood on my hands , everything the other side represented , and everything we hoped for . It all seemed to fit . If I 'd had more than one left to go , I think I might have given up . I simply didn 't have much more left in me . As it was I again found myself having difficulty staying in the moment . I was back in another memory . I was with my mother . I was a child in bed , she was over me . When I looked into her deep green eyes I felt completely safe , and when she smiled I felt like everything was right with the world . As an adult that sounds like a silly cliche , but as a child it was Truth . Her hair hung down around her face , as she told the poem to me . The memory could have been from any one of a thousand nights . I spoke the words with her : And then my mother would get up , say good night , lean over me , and give me a kiss on the forehead . Sometimes she 'd stop on the way down or the way up , so that her hair just reached down to my face . It would tickle . When I woke up I learned that the damage I had done would prevent anyone from taking the mark or being beheaded in the near future . They would have to ship in additional supplies . Our keepers decided that it would be fun to refuse to feed us in the meantime . Then decided that it would be even more fun to give the thirty or so of us in the one room exactly one meal . So that we could fight over it . Enough of my senses had returned that I could see what it was without looking . It was chowder and bread . I figured the chowder wouldn 't survive the fight and whoever got the bread wouldn 't be me . I was wrong . There was no fight . I was given the chowder , I was given the bread . They helped me up , lifted the bowl to my lips , and gave it to me . I refused to finish . Told them to share what I didn 't drink . Then they gave me some of the bread , I told them to share that too . I lay back down , I was still exhausted . And then there was a miracle . I didn 't notice it happen , I didn 't sense anything odd . But they told me that there was enough soup and bread to go around , with some left over . With more left over than we started with . I tried to get up to look , but I moved to fast , my vision went black , and I collapsed back onto the floor . Even so , I could tell they were right . There was more bread . I didn 't see the soup , but I had no reason to doubt it . |
St . Patrick 's Day was sunny and unusually mild , men were in shirtsleeves and from the appearance of things work was ending at noon . The bars were full . Coming into one of them from out of the sunlight , Philip Bowman , his eyes blinded , could barely make out the faces along the bar but found a place to stand near the back where they were all shouting and calling to one another . The bartender brought his drink and he took it and looked around . There were men and women drinking , young women mostly , two of them - he never forgot this moment - standing near him to his right , one dark haired with dark brows and , when he could see her better , a faint down along her jawbone . The other was blonde with a bare , shining forehead and wide - set eyes , instantly compelling , even in some way coarse . He was so struck by her face that it was difficult to look at her , she stood out so - on the other hand he could not keep himself from doing it . He was almost fearful of looking . He stepped closer . Louise was the dark - haired one . She already had a secondary role , but Bowman , trying not to be too direct , included her . He could not keep his eyes from her . Her face was as if , somehow , it was not completely finished , with smouldering features , a mouth not eager to smile , a riveting face that God had stamped with the simple answer to life . In profile she was even more beautiful . " I was thinking of going to Clarke 's , " he said , " but there was all this noise in here , and I just came in to see what was going on . I 'll have to go back to work . What . . . what are you doing later ? " All afternoon he was almost giddy and found it hard to keep his mind on things . Time moved with a terrible slowness , but at a quarter to six , walking quickly , almost running , he went back . He was a few minutes early , they were not there . He waited impatiently until six - fifteen , then six - thirty . They never appeared . With a sickening feeling he realized what he had done - he had let them go without asking for a telephone number or address , Fifty - third Street was all he knew and he would never see them , her , again . Hating his ineptness , he stayed for nearly an hour , toward the end striking up a conversation with the man next to him so that if by chance they did finally come , he would not seem foolish and doglike standing there . What was it , he wondered , that had betrayed him and made them decide not to come back ? Had they been approached by someone else after he left ? He was miserable . He felt the terrible emptiness of men who are ruined , who see everything collapse in a single day . He went to work in the morning still feeling anguish . It was in him like a deep splinter together with a sense of failure . " How are you this morning ? " Baum said easily , the usual overture when he had nothing particular in mind . It was her . He felt a moment of insane happiness . She was apologizing . They had come back at six the night before but hadn 't been able to find the bar , they couldn 't remember the street . " Yes , of course , " Bowman said . " I 'm so sorry , but that 's all right . " " We even went to Clarke 's , " she said . " I remembered you said that . " " I 'm so glad you called . " " I just wanted you to know . That we tried to come back and meet you . " " No , no , that 's all right , that 's fine . Look , give me your address , will you ? " Vivian had had books as a child , she and her sister , children 's books , they had even fought over them . She had read Nancy Drew and some others , but to be honest , she said , she didn 't read that much . Forever Amber . Her skin was luminous . She read the title . It was very sweet of him . It was not something she would ever expect or that boys she knew would do or even grown - ups . She was twenty years old but not yet ready to think of herself as a woman , probably because she was still largely supported by her father and because of her devotion to him . She had gone to junior college and gotten a job . The women she knew were known for their style , their riding ability , and their husbands . Also their nerve . She had an aunt who had been robbed in her home at gunpoint by two black men and had said to them cooly , " We 've been too good to you people . " The Virginia of Vivian Amussen was Anglo , privileged , and inbred . It was made up of rolling , wooded country , beautiful country , rich at heart , with low stone walls and narrow roads that had preserved it . By the straight , two - lane blacktop it was less than an hour 's drive to Washington and the downtown section where Vivian worked . Her job was more or less a formality , she was a receptionist in a title office , and on weekends she went home , to the races or thoroughbred sales or hunts through the countryside . The hunts were like clubs , to belong to the best one , the one she and her father were members of , you had to own at least fifty acres . The master of that hunt was a judge , John Stump , a figure out of Dickens , stout and choleric , with an incurable fondness for women that had once led him to attempt suicide upon being rejected by a woman he loved . He threw himself from a window in passion but landed in some bushes . He had been married three times , each time , it was observed , to a woman with bigger breasts . The divorces were because of his drinking , which befitted his image as a squire , but as master of the hunt he was resolute and demanded perfect etiquette , one time halting the field when they 'd done something wrong and giving them a ferocious dressing - down until someone spoke out , Judge Stump pursued women , but George Amussen did not - they pursued him . He was elegant and reserved and also much admired for having done well buying and selling property in Washington and in the country . Even tempered and patient , he had seen , earlier than others , how Washington was changing , and over the years had bought , sometimes in partnerships , apartment buildings in the northwest part of the city and an office building on Wisconsin Avenue . He was discreet about what he owned and refrained from talking about it . He drove an ordinary car and dressed casually , without ostentation , usually in a sport jacket and well - made pants , and a suit when it was called for . He had fair hair into which the gray blended and an easy walk that seemed to embody strength and even a kind of principle , to stand for things as they should be . A gentleman and a figure of country clubs , he knew all the black waiters by name and they knew him . At Christmas every year he gave them a double tip . Washington was a Southern city , lethargic and not really that big . It had atrocious weather , damp and cold in the winter and in the summers fiercely hot , the heat of the Delta . It had its institutions apart from the government , the old , favored hotels including the Wardman , familiarly called the riding academy because of the many mistresses who were kept there ; the Riggs Bank , which was the bank of choice ; the established downtown department stores . The war changed it all . The hordes of military and naval personnel , government employees , young women who were drawn to the city by the demand for secretaries - in two or three years the sleepy , provincial town was gone . In some respects it clung to its ways , but the old days were vanishing . Vivian had come of age during that time . Though she appeared at the club in shorts that were in her father 's opinion a little too brief and wore high heels too soon , her notions were really all from the world she had been a girl in . Bowman wrote to her , and almost to his disbelief she wrote back . Her letters were friendly and open . She came to New York several times that spring and early summer , staying with Louise and even sharing the bed with her , laughing , in pajamas . She had not yet told her father about her boyfriend . The ones she had in Washington worked at State or in the trust department at Riggs and were in many ways replicas of their parents . She did not think of herself as a replica . She was daring , in fact , taking the train up to see a man she had met in a bar , whose background she did not know but who seemed to have depth and originality . They went to Luchow 's , where the waiter said guten Abend and Bowman talked to him for a moment in German . " At the time I thought I wanted to be a scientist . I went back and forth between a number of things . I thought for a while I might teach . I still have a certain yearning for teaching . Then I decided to be a journalist , but I wasn 't able to get a job as one . I heard about a job as a reader then . It was pure luck or maybe destiny . What do you think of the idea of destiny ? " He liked talking to her and the occasional smile that made her forehead shine . She was wearing a sleeveless dress and the roundness of her small shoulders gleamed . Her little finger was curled and held apart as she ate a bite of bread . Gestures , facial expressions , way of dressing - these were the revealing things . He was imagining places where they might go together , where no one knew them and he would have her to himself for days on end , though he was uncertain of how it might happen . " We were in boarding school , in the same class . The first thing she ever said to me was a dirty joke . Well , not exactly dirty but . . . you know . " He told her about the time the letters ES on the big sign above the Essex House had gone out and there it was , forty stories up , shining in the night . He went no further . He didn 't want to seem coarse . At the end of the evening , at the front door , he was prepared to say good night but she acted as if he were not there , unlocking the door and saying nothing . Louise was gone for the weekend to visit her parents . Vivian was nervous , though she did not want to show it . He went upstairs with her . She did not take everything off - shoes , stockings , and skirt , that was all . She was not prepared for more . They kissed and whispered . As she slid from her white panties , a white that seemed sacred , he barely breathed . The fineness of her , the blondish fleece . He could not believe they were doing this . He was inexperienced , but it was natural and overwhelming . Also too quick , he couldn 't help it . He felt embarrassed . Her face was close to his . Vivian was thinking along less heady lines . There was the chance of her becoming pg though she had , in truth , only an inexact idea of how likely that was . At school there had been a lot of talk , but it was only talk and vague . Still , there were stories of girls who got that way the first time . It would be just her luck , she thought . Of course , it hadn 't been entirely the first time . They spent the night together when he came to Washing ton that month and drove to the country the next day to have lunch with her father . He had a four - hundred - acre farm called Gallops , mostly given over to grazing . The main house was fieldstone and sat on top of a rise . Vivian showed him around , the grounds and first floor , as if introducing him to it and , in a way , to her . The house was lightly furnished in a manner that was indifferent to style . Behind a couch in the living room Bowman noticed , as in seventeenth - century palaces , were some dried dog turds . " Well , books of quality , essentially . Books that might have a long life . Of course , that 's the top end . We publish other books , to make money or try to . " " Thank you . " " Viv , you ? " " Yes , Daddy . " As they drank coffee , Bowman made a last attempt to cast himself favorably as an editor , but Amussen turned the subject to the navy , Bowman had been in the navy , was that right ? There was a neighbor down the road , Royce Cromwell , who had gone to Annapolis and been in the same class as Charlie McVay , the captain of the Indianapolis . Bowman hadn 't run into him in the navy , by any chance ? " Oh , you should see him with Bryan , my sister 's husband . Daddy calls him Whyan , why in hell did she pick him ? Can 't even ride , he says . " " You aren 't making me feel much better . I can sail , " he added . " Can your father sail ? " She seemed ready to defend him , and Bowman felt he should not go further . She sat looking out of the window on her side , somewhat removed , but in her leather skirt , hair pulled back , face wide , with a thin gold chain looped around her neck , she was the image of desirability . She turned back toward him . " Daddy really raised us . We 're his two girls . He had to protect us . " They drove for a while in silence and near Centerville somewhere he glanced over and saw that she was asleep . Freely , as they sat or ate OR WALKED he shared with her his thoughts and ideas about life , history , and art . He told her everything . He knew she didn 't think about these things , but she understood and could learn . He loved her for not only what she was but what she might be , the idea that she might be otherwise did not occur to him or did not matter . Why would it occur ? When you love you see a future according to your dreams . In Summit , where he wanted his mother to meet Vivian , to see and approve of her , he took her first to a diner across from City Hall that had been there for years . It had actually been a railroad car with windows all along the side facing the avenue . Inside , the floor was tile and the ceiling pale wood that curved down into the wall . A counter where customers sat - there were always one or two - ran the length of the place . It was more crowded in the morning ; the railroad station , the Morris and Essex line that went to the city , was just down the street . The tracks were low and out of sight . At night the lights of the diner were the only lights along the street . You entered by a door opposite the counter and there was another door at one end . " Right here , in this diner . The counter , everything . Do you know the story ? It 's marvelous . Fabulously written . If you never read another word of his , you 'd know right away what a great writer he is . It 's in the evening . Nobody 's in the place , there are no customers , it 's empty , and two men in tight black overcoats come in and sit down at the counter . They look at the menu and order , and one of them says to the counterman , This is some town , what 's the name of this place ? And the counterman , who 's frightened of course , says , Summit . It 's right there in the story , Summit , and when the food comes they eat with their gloves on . They 're there to kill a Swede , they tell the counterman . They know the Swede always comes there . He 's an ex - fighter named Ole Andreson who double - crossed the mob somehow . One of them takes a sawed - off shotgun from beneath his coat and goes into the kitchen to hide and wait . " " It 's better than that . They don 't kill him because he doesn 't show up , but he knows they 're after him , they 'll come again . He 's big , he was a boxer , but whatever he did , they 're going to kill him . He just lies in bed in the rooming house , looking at the wall . " " What are you going to have ? " Vivian asked . " I think I 'll have eggs with Taylor ham . " " What 's Taylor ham ? " she said . " It 's a kind of ham they have around here . I 've never really asked . " " All right , I 'll have it , too . " He liked being with her . He liked having her with him . There were only a few other people in the diner , but how colorless they seemed compared to her . They were all aware of her presence . It was impossible not to be . Beatrice Bowman had been eager to meet Vivian and was also struck by her looks , though in a different way , the freshness and naked , animal statement . How much one knows from the first ! She had bought flowers and set the table in the dining room where they seldom ate , usually using a table in the kitchen , one end of which was against the wall . The kitchen with shelves but no cabinets was the real heart of the house together with a sitting room where they often sat in front of the fireplace talking and having a drink . Now there was this girl with somewhat stiff manners . She was from Virginia , and Beatrice asked what part , Middleburg ? Upperville . It sounded rural and small . It was , in fact , small , there was one place to eat but no town water or sewage . Nothing had changed there for a hundred years and people there liked it that way whether they lived in an old house without heat or on a thousand acres . Upperville in the country and beyond , was an exalted name , the emblem of a proud , parochial class of which Vivian was a member . You could not stay there , you had to live there . Beatrice said , " I 'd love to see it . What does your family do there ? " " Farm , " Vivian said . " Well , my father farms some but also he puts his fields up for grazing . " " It must be big . " " That 's so interesting . Apart from farming , what is there to do ? " " Daddy always says there 's lots to do . He means looking after the horses . " " Horses . " " Yes . " It was not that she was difficult to talk to , but you immediately felt the limits . Vivian had gone to junior college , probably at the suggestion of her father to keep her out of mischief . She had a certain confidence , based on the things she absolutely knew and which had proved to be enough . Like all mothers though , Beatrice hoped for a girl like herself , with whom she could speak easily and whose view of life could almost perfectly be combined with her own . Among her pupils , she could think of girls who were like that , good students with natural charm that you admired and were drawn to , but there were also others not so easily understood and whose fate you were not meant to know . There were a lot of stories about her , Vivian said . When they first bought their place , Longtree - that was the name then - she used to ride in from the hunt and let the dogs come right into the house . They 'd jump up on the table and eat everything . After she got divorced , she calmed down a bit . When he told his mother he hoped to marry her , Beatrice , though afraid it would prove nothing , protested how unalike the two of them were , how little they had in common . They had a great deal in common , Bowman a little defiantly said . What they had in common was more vital than similar interests - it was wordless understanding and accord . The place was full , there was a crowd at the bar . Beyond the single window , across the street were second and third floors with large , lighted rooms where a couple might live . Vivian was drinking a second glass of wine . The waiter was squeezing past tables with their order on a tray . " Yes , " she said and his heart began wildly . " What would you think , " he said , " about living here ? I mean , we 'd be married , of course . " " It was pitiful , wasn 't it ? Yes , it 's a proposal . I love you , " he said . " I need you . I 'd do anything for you . " He 'd said it , just as he meant to . " Will you marry me ? " he said . The lunch was at George Amussen 's CLUB in Washington . Amussen was already seated when the steward showed Bowman in . Across a number of tables he could see his prospective father - in - law reading something . Sitting alone , hair combed straight back , at his ease , he looked at that moment like a figure from the war , even someone who had been on the other side , some commander or Luftwaffe pilot . It was noon and the tables were just filling up . " Good morning . Nice to see you , " Amussen replied . " I 'm just looking at the menu here . Sit down . I see they have shad roe . " " Vivian 's a nice girl , " Amussen finally said . " She was raised in the country . I don 't know how she 'd take to city life . She 's not one of those people . " " Well , as you know , I have a good job . I like my work , I have a career . I earn enough to support us at this point , and whatever I have is hers . I 'll make sure she 's comfortable . " Bowman left feeling disappointed but defiant . It would be a kind of morganatic marriage then , politely tolerated . He was not sure what attitude to take about it , but when he told Vivian what her father had said , she was not disturbed . The minister was a tall man in his seventies with silvery hair who couldn 't hear very well , having fallen from a horse . Age had taken the edge from his voice , which was silken but thin . At the prenuptial meeting he said he would ask them three questions , the ones he always asked couples . He wanted to know if they were in love . Next , did they want to be married in the church ? And lastly , would the marriage last ? " We can definitely answer yes to the first two , " Bowman replied . " Ah , " the minister said , " yes . " He was absentminded and had forgotten the order of the questions . " I don 't suppose it 's so important to be in love , " he admitted . He hadn 't shaved , Bowman noticed , there was a white stubble on his face , but he was more presentable at the wedding . Vivian 's family was there , her mother , sister , brother - in - law , and some others Bowman had never met and also friends . There were fewer on the groom 's side . It was a bright , cool morning , then afternoon , passing in an excitement that made it hard to remember . He was with his mother beforehand and could see her during the ceremony . He watched with a sense of victory as Amussen brought Vivian down the aisle . He put any misgivings aside , it was like a scene from a play . During the vows he saw only his bride , her face clear and shining , and in back of her Louise smiling , too , as he heard himself say , With this ring , I thee wed . I thee wed . Beatrice had wept at the church . She had embraced Vivian and in return felt a dutiful response . It had all been like that , dutiful , restrained , with only smiles and polite talk . Vivian was happy . She was wearing a white wedding gown , she had yet to change , and though she was not yet used to the idea , she was a married woman . She 'd married at home , with her father 's blessing , more or less . It had happened , she had done it . Bowman was happy or felt he was , she was his , a beautiful woman or girl . He saw life ahead in regular terms , with someone who would be beside him . In the presence of her family and friends he realized that he knew only one side of her , a side that attracted him but that was not her entire or essential self . Behind her as he looked was her unyielding father . Across the room , smiling and alcoholic , was her mother . Vivian caught his eye and perhaps his thoughts and smiled at him , it seemed understandingly . The unsettled feeling disappeared . Her smile was loving , sincere . We 'll leave soon , it said . That night though , having driven to the Hay - Adams Hotel in Washington , wearied by the events of the day and unaccustomed to being a wedded couple , they simply went to sleep . It snowed before Christmas but then turned cold . The sky was pale . The country lay silent , the fields dusted white with the hard furrows showing where they had been plowed . All was still . The foxes were in their dens , the deer bedded down . Route 50 from Washington , the road that had been originally laid out in almost a straight line by George Washington when he was a surveyor , was empty of traffic . On the back roads an early car with its headlights came along . First the trees , half - frosted , were lit , then the road itself , and finally the sound as the car passed . They had Christmas at George Amussen 's , and the next day was to be dinner at Longtree , Longtree Farm , more than a thousand acres running almost to the Blue Ridge . Liz Bohannon had gotten Longtree in the divorce . The house , that had burned down and been rebuilt , was named Ha Ha . Late in the afternoon they drove through the iron gates that were posted with a warning that only one car at a time could pass through . The long driveway led upward with evenly spaced trees on either side . At last the house appeared , a vast facade with many windows , every one of them lit as if the house were a huge toy . When Amussen knocked at the door there was a sudden barking of dogs . In a mauve , flowered gown that bared one plump shoulder and impa - tiently kicking at the dogs , Liz Bohannon opened the door . She had been a deity once and was still beautiful . As Amussen kissed her , she said , " Darling , I thought it was you . " To Vivian and her new husband , she said , " I 'm so glad you could come . " " Ours was quiet , " she went on . " You haven 't been here before , have you ? " she said to Bowman . " The house was built originally in 1838 , but it 's burned down twice , the last time in the middle of the night while I was sleeping . " She had beautiful features , now a little small for the face that for years had allowed her to say and do whatever she liked , that and the money . She was loved , derided , and known as the most dishonest horsewoman in the business , banned at Saratoga where she had once bought back two of her own horses at auction , which was strictly prohibited . Keeping Bowman 's hand in hers , she led the way in as she talked , speaking to Amussen . " I was paying bills . My God , this place costs a fortune to run . It costs more to run when I 'm away than when I 'm here , can you believe that ? No one to watch . I 've just about made up my mind to sell it . " " This is my favorite room , " she said . " Don 't you like these pictures ? That one there , " she said pointing , " is Khartoum - I loved that horse - I wouldn 't part with it for anything . When the house burned in 1944 , I ran out in the middle of the night with nothing but my mink coat and that painting . That was all I had . " A man with his hair combed in a careful wave came to the doorway . He was wearing a V - neck sweater and lizard shoes . He had a look of feigned concern on his face . " Travis , you don 't know these people . This is my husband , Travis , " Liz said . " I married someone from the backyard . Everybody knows you shouldn 't , but you do it anyway , don 't you , sweetheart ? " she said lovingly . Travis Gates was a lieutenant colonel in the air force but with something vaguely fraudulent about him . He 'd been in China during the war and liked to use Chinese expressions , Ding hao , he would say . He was her third husband . The first , Ted Bohannon , had been rich , his family owned newspapers and copper mines . Liz had been twenty , careless and sure of herself , the marriage was the event of the year . They had already slept together at a friend 's house in Georgetown and were wildly in love . They were invited and traveled everywhere , to California , Europe , the Far East . It was during the Depression and photographs of them in the papers , on shipboard or at the track , were an anodyne , a reminder of life as it had been and might be . They also went a number of times to Silver Hill to visit Laura , Liz 's younger sister , who worked as a club singer , usually on a small stage in a white or beaded dress , and was also an alcoholic . She took the cure at Silver Hill every few years . One night during the war , the three of them were stranded in New York when there was trouble with the car . The hotels were all full but because Ted knew the manager they were able to get a room at the Westbury . They had to sleep three in the bed . In the middle of the night Liz woke up to find her husband doing something with her sister who had the nightgown up under her armpits . It was the tenth year of the marriage that had begun to be stale anyway , and that night marked the end . " Is Monroe back there in the kitchen ? Tell him to bring out some ice . Come on , " she said to Bowman and Vivian , " I 'll show you some of the house . " In the kitchen she paused to try to coax words out of a mynah bird that was missing some tail feathers . It was in a big bamboo cage where it had made a kind of hammock for itself . Monroe was working at an unhurried pace . Liz took an all - weather coat from a hook . Carson was born on June 21 , 1950 , in Toronto , the second and final child of Margaret and Robert Carson . Her mother was a housewife ; her father worked for the Toronto Dominion Bank . During her childhood , the family moved about from bank to bank in small Ontario towns like Stoney Creek , Port Hope , Timmins . In the 1970s Carson studied classics at the University of Toronto and then ancient Greek with the renowned classical scholar Kenneth Dover at the University of St . Andrews in Scotland . In 1981 , she returned to the University of Toronto to write a Ph . D . dissertation on Sappho , which later became Eros the Bittersweet - a brief , dense treatise on lack 's centrality to desire . Today , Carson lives in Ann Arbor , where she teaches classics and comparative literature at the University of Michigan . Although she has always been reluctant to call herself a poet , Carson has been writing some heretic form of poetry almost all her life . Her work is insistent and groundbreaking , a blend of genres and styles that for years failed to attract notice . In the late eighties , a few literary magazines in the United States began to publish her work . Canadian venues were considerably less welcoming , and it was not until Carson was forty - two that a small Canadian pub - lisher , Brick Books , published her first book of poems , Short Talks . By the mid - nineties , Carson was no longer trying to find publishers ; rather , publishers were clamoring to find her . In short order , three collections of poems and essays appeared - Plainwater : Essays and Poetry ( 1995 ) ; Glass , Irony and God ( 1995 ) ; Men in the Off Hours ( 2000 ) - as well as a verse novel , Autobiography of Red ( 1998 ) , which seamlessly blends Greek myth , homosexuality , and small - town Ontario life . Two ostensibly academic books followed : Economy of the Unlost and her translation of Sappho 's poetry , If Not , Winter , both in 2002 . Awards and accolades came tumbling in : a Guggenheim Fellowship ( 1995 ) ; a Lannan Award ( 1996 ) ; the Pushcart Prize ( 1997 ) ; a MacArthur Fellowship ( 2000 ) ; and the Griffin Prize for Poetry ( 2001 ) . In 2002 Carson became the first woman to receive England 's T . S . Eliot Prize for Poetry for The Beauty of the Husband : A Fictional Essay in 29 Tangos . For the past several years , Carson has been working on a spoken - word opera about three women mystics - Aphrodite , the fourteenth - century French heretic Marguerite Porete , and Simone Weil . Next year , Random House will publish Decreation - the eponymously titled opera - alongside new poems and essays . I want to start with your poem " Stanzas , Sexes , Seductions . " There 's a line in there that stopped me right in the middle : " My personal poetry is a failure . " It made me wonder two things : What do you call your personal poetry ? And do you really feel it 's a failure or is that just the poem 's persona talking ? Well , I think there are different gradations of personhood in different poems . Some of them seem far away from me and some up close , and the up - close ones generally don 't say what I want them to say . And that 's true of the persona in the poem , but it 's also true of me as me . I see it as a messing around on an upper level with things that I wanted to make sense of at a deeper level . I do think I have an ability to record sensual and emotional facts - to construct a convincing surface of what life feels like , both physical life and emotional life . But when I wrote " The Glass Essay , " I also wanted to do something that I would call understanding what life feels like , and I don 't believe I did . I remember that sentence driving at me in the dark like a glacier . I felt like a ship going toward the South Pole and then all of a sudden a glacier comes zooming out of the dark , and I just took it down . I appreciate that it 's accurate of what I both have and choose to have as my effect on people . I don 't know exactly why that 's the case . With sharp objects . It 's true , that 's why I go to boxing class , to learn those skills . But that 's just , of course , shadowboxing , as they say . |
Hi , my name is Courtney . I 'm trying to live my life , but , no one said that it was easy . I make mistakes like any other person . I 've always had an interest in writing , so here goes ! : ) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Hey guys ! The new poll is up on the right sidebar . New polls are up on Tuesdays at midnight , pacific time . Oh ! I have a special Happy Birthday to Mum ! Happy Birthday ! May everything today be everything you hoped for and more ! : ) - J ' et * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I took a deep breath . My hands were trembling uncontrollably - so uncontrollably that I had almost dropped the test in the toilet . I couldn 't bring myself to look at the test . I was scared that it may say that I am pregnant . Henry can read it . Henry can tell me . I told myself . Henry was the only thing that was keeping me sane right now . I walked into my room . " What did it say ? " Henry asked me , concerned . " Are you ok ? " " I can 't look , " I told him , my voice quavering . I desperately wanted to cry , but I wanted Henry to see me as this strong person who can handle situations like this . I didn 't want him to think of me as a weakling who can 't even keep her emotions in check . " Can you tell me what it says ? " " Sure thing , " he said to me . As if he could sense that I needed it , he gave me a hug . " How do you read it ? " " One line means not pregnant , " I told him , with my eyes closed . " Two lines means that I am pregnant . " I felt him take my hand into his after gently removing the test from my fingers . " Congratulations , Courtney , " he said , in a whisper . Oh , no . I 'm pregnant . F * * * ! What am I going to do ? " You 're not pregnant . " Wait , what ? " What ? " I asked him . I wasn 't sure I heard him correctly . " I 'm . . not pregnant ? " " Nope ! " he said , with a smile on his face . I let out a huge sigh of relief . " What 's with the congratulations then ? " I asked , hitting him on the arm . " You scared the heck out of me ! " " Ow , sorry ? " he said , uncertainly while rubbing his arm . " We should go celebrate ! " I exclaimed , happily after we got rid of the pregnancy test and washed our hands . I grabbed his arm . " Come on ! Let 's go back to the beach and enjoy the lunch I made us ! " I tried pulling him to the door , but he wouldn 't budge . " HoPosted by At first , I was shocked . Then , the shock turned into anger . I was so livid that I couldn 't see straight . It felt like all of my thoughts came rushing in at the same time . How did Henry find the pregnancy test ? Did he go through my purse ? Did he know I was hiding something ? I was so stupid for not bringing my purse with me ! " You went through my purse ? " I accused , angrily . I crossed my arms and glared at him . " What ? No ! " he exclaimed , looking a little hurt at the accusation . " I would never do that , Courtney . I was trying to save a trip back to the car and was trying to carry to many things at once . I had the beach towel , the umbrella , the cooler , and your tote bag with your beach stuff in my arms . I was trying to get your purse while I was at it , because you asked me to , and I accidentally knocked it over . You forgot to close your purse and everything came tumbling out , including this . " He waved the pregnancy test around . " Oh , " I said , softly . I felt bad for accusing him of snooping through my purse . He was being so calm about this whole situation and was willing to talk it out with me . I commend him for keeping his cool , because I sure didn 't . " I set everything in the back seat and tried to organize everything in your purse , " he continued . " You have a lot of things in there , so you might want to check if everything 's there . I checked under the cars to see if anything was there , and I think I got everything . Back to the original question . What 's this ? You think you 're pregnant ? " I got into the driver 's seat and looked at the back seat . It looked like Henry was telling the truth about my purse spilling over . Everything was just piled up behind the passenger 's seat and when I looked in my purse , it looked like Henry had re - organized everything - like he said he had . I sighed . I had calmed down a little bit after listening to Henry explain what happened . I guess it was my turn to explain . " I 've been feeling a little bit nauseous lately and I 've been throwing up , " I admitted . " I 'm a couple of days late and I 'm a little worriePosted by Hey guys ! How has your week been ? Just out of curiosity , what did you guys vote on the poll ? : ) My week has been busy . I started summer school and it 's been extremely busy . Hopefully , it 'll be ok . The Hopeless Romantic story is getting really really good . So , if you don 't read that blog , then definitely check it out . It 's a really cute story . : ) I 'm definitely sad to see Alicia 's blog go on hiatus . But , I can 't wait until it comes back . I 'm still Team Jayce , even though he 's a little bit confused . I 'm hoping that they get back together over the summer and then have this awesome relationship . Crap . I just read the most recent post . NO JACKSON ! JAYCE JAYCE JAYCE ! ! ! I just realized that I miss the Chapter 's blog . I 'm slightly confused with the posting schedule with that blog and with The Karen Chronicles . Is it random or is there a specific posting schedule ? I 'm sorry that this is so short , but I 'm really exhausted and really need to sleep . Good night , guys . : ) Happy Friday , everyone ! : ) AANNNNNNNNNNNND ! Have a great weekend ! Henry and I were going to the beach today . It was a gorgeous day outside . The sun was shining , there were no clouds in the sky , and it wasn 't too hot or too cold with just a tiny breeze - it was a perfect day for the beach . I wanted to make up for cutting our date short yesterday , even though it was unexpected . I was busily making lemonade and roast beef sandwiches to bring to the beach while waiting for Henry to arrive . My mind wandered back to the events of yesterday as I was squeezing the lemons for the lemonade . I don 't know if I should tell Henry or not . I 'm scared . I 'm scared of telling him and seeing his reaction . Part of me thinks that he 'll be really supportive and the other part of me thinks that he might run away because he wouldn 't be able to handle it . It just adds onto the fear that I might actually be pregnant . I don 't want to be pregnant at 17 . How could this happen ? We were safe . Logan had used a condom . I 'm pretty sure ( 99 . 9999 % sure ) that it didn 't break and I 'm on birth control . Oh , geez . HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN ? I had to know . Now . This is torture . I had to know so I can make a proper decision about what to do ( if I was pregnant ) after talking to Logan . The doorbell rang and I tried to push my thoughts to the back of my mind . I opened the door . Logan . Why was Logan here ? He was the last person I wanted to see right now . " You look great , " he said , eying me up and down . I looked down at my white T - shirt and shorts . " Uh , thanks ? " I said , a little bit confused as to why he was here . " What are you doing here ? I wasn 't expecting you . " " I wanted to see if you wanted to get a cup of coffee with me , " he said , smiling . " Oh , wait . A smoothie , since it 's a nice day outside . " I bit my lower lip and shook my head . " I 'm sorry , Logan , I can 't , " I told him . " I have plans already . " " Well , how about tomorrow ? " he asked me . I sighed . " I can 't do this right now , Logan ! " I told him , a little harsher than I intented . He looked hurt . " I 'll talk to you later . " I went back into the kitchen to finish off the lemonade . The doorbell raPosted by I sat down on the couch next to Adam , waiting for him to respond to my question . He looked like he really needed someone to talk to . But , right now , he was just sitting there , staring into space as if trying to think of what to say . We sat in silence . I didn 't want to push him . I wanted him to talk to me when he was ready . " Do you want something to drink ? " I asked him , sweetly . I was a little bit nervous and sort of freaking out . " I have some root beer if you like some root beer . I think I have some orange juice or something . Or water ! I have some water ! I could make you some tea to help calm you down . I think I 'll make you some tea . " I ran into the kitchen , without waiting for his answer , and started to make Adam a cup of tea . I didn 't know what to do when these kind of situations come up . The few times that it happened , I would get him a drink ( and chocolate ) and then we 'll sit and we 'll talk about what 's going on . I finished making the tea and I plated some chocolate chip cookies before bringing in the feast . Well , I fixed two glasses of milk to go along with the cookies . " Thanks , Court , " he said , when he grabbed a cookie . " No problem , Adam , " I told him , smiling . " You know I 'm here for you . Whenever you 're ready , we can talk . " He took a bite out of his cookie . " I really liked her , " he whispered . " I can 't believe she broke up with me . " I patted his arm . " It 'll be ok , Adam , " I told him , taking a sip of milk . " What happened ? " " We were at my house , " he said . He paused for a second . " Your birthday 's coming up , so I was looking online for some gifts . Zoey saw one of the things that I was looking at and demanded to know who it was for . " " Why would she assume that it 's for someone else and not for her ? " I wondered aloud . " My birthday 's not until next month . Oh , sorry , go on . " " Well , it wasn 't her style , " he explained . " I had mumbled your name and she went crazy . She was screaming at me , completely screaming in my face . She had accused me of cheating on her with you and that I was in love with you - " I looked at him . " You 're not , Posted by Henry and I are taking things slowly , very slowly . We weren 't even official yet and no one knew about our secret relationship ( except for Brittany ) . It was kind of fun being all secretive and hiding what we were doing from Adam , Justin , Haylie , and Sarah . It wasn 't that hard , we weren 't really doing anything - unless you count watching a movie at his house on our day off this weekend as something . Like , today , we were at my house , giving my cat a bath before watching a movie . Giving a cat a bath is harder than trying to get out of a speeding ticket . Not to state the obvious , but , cats hate water . They 'll drink it like there 's no tomorrow , but once they hear that faucet going , they think the water 's going to kill them or something . I love my cat to death , but seriously , giving her a bath is my least favorite thing . Henry is such a sweetheart for volunteering to hold her , so she wouldn 't squirm away , while I gave her the bath . I didn 't even care that it was supposed to be Brittany 's turn to give her a bath . " Thank you so much for helping me give her a bath , " I said , while trying to try off my little girl . She was squirming in my arms and I kissed her on the head and let her do her thing . " I know that you didn 't have to help me . It 's not part of your job description . " I wasn 't funny . I should try to stop trying to be . I laughed nervously . It was weird being nervous around Henry . " You 're welcome , anything for you , " Henry said , pulling me in his arms and kissed me on the forehead . All of a sudden , I wasn 't nervous anymore . I smiled as I watched my cat try to dry herself off unsuccessfully . Brittany and I never really named her and we can 't really call her " kitty " anymore . I had resorted to calling her " my little girl " or " baby " . " What do you want to do now ? " Henry asked me , interrupting my thoughts about getting another cat for my baby . " I don 't know , " I said , shrugging . " Do you want to watch that movie you brought over ? " Henry had brought over this movie called Avatar . I don 't know if it 's any good , but supposedly , everyonePosted by Hey , guys ! How 's your week been ? I forgot to say that I added the question for this week and it 's on the right hand bar . I have to figure out how to make it more noticeable . There really are too many ice cream flavors to list . LOL . I 've had a crazy week . I 'm back from Connecticut and I can 't begin to explain how much I missed California . I started smiling before we even landed . I missed the sun , the air , and my bed . I got to see my sweetheart the next day and that was amazing . You never know how much you love someone until you go on vacation for a couple of weeks , in my opinion , at least . And yes , I 'm talking about my cat . My boyfriend 's kind of special too . ; ) I 've been going non - stop since I got back and haven 't been getting much sleep , due to the weird sleeping hours I endured in CT . Like , yesterday , I was helping a friend pack for Alaska and for her move to Washington . She has so much stuff that it 's overly overwhelming . She wanted to cry . Heck , I wanted to cry . But , my crying might be due to the lack of sleep more than anything else . I 'm heading back ( she lives in another town ) today to help her pack some more . School starts on Monday , yay ! I 'm excited to start school ( that 's how much of a bookworm I am ) . Haha . No , I 'm really excited to start so I can have the rest of the summer to do whatever I want . Enough about me ! Moving onto blogs . Hmm . . There is this new ( is it new ? well . . maybe not new ) called The Hopeless Romantic . It 's really good ! Here is the link : http : / / gcghopelessromatic . blogspot . com / It 's about a girl who can 't get notice by the guy she likes . It 's very entertaining ! As always , I don 't know what Alicia is talking about . Writer 's block ? What writer 's block ? Bedroom Blog . I really hope that we find out more about Brad , because I think that Brad is the only guy that I like on the blog . . Well . . other than Ben . My brain is fried , I can 't remember what else I wanted to say . Oh ! The Diary of J is back ! I can 't wait to see what 's in store for us ! Happy Friday , guys ! : ) I didn 't know what to do after the fight . I tried to find him , but I couldn 't . He was no where to be seen . Where was he ? Did he leave because of Taylor and Logan ? Was he mad at me ? What 's wrong ? Was it my fault ? I couldn 't find him in the crowd of graduates and ended up giving up trying . Oh well . I " ll talk to him whenever we 're both free later . I had found Brittany , who was with all of my family members . I wasn 't looking forward to the dinner tonight . But , it turns out that , for once , my family was acting normal for once and we had avoided another war . We had the usual bickering , there was a comment or two about how my mom sucks for leaving my dad for Joe , and the little cousins spilled drinks on the carpet . It was interesting . I wasn 't sure if the good behavior stemmed from there being other families there , who were trying to enjoy dinner as well . Actually , I 'm not sure anymore . My family never let something , like other families , distract them from our family drama and usually throws our problems out there for other people to see . I know , right ? You can 't choose your family . The most surprising thing about dinner was that Taylor tried to join us . Luckily , Justin knew what was going on and prevented him from stepping foot into my house . Honestly , I think that if Taylor had found a way into my house , he would have been successful in worming his way back into my life . I sighed . I really wish that he 'd leave me alone . Back to present day ! I tried called Henry this morning , but there was no answer . I assumed that he saw , from the caller ID , that it was me and completely ignore the call and let it go to voicemail . I sighed . At least , I 'll see him at work today and if it 's slow , then we can talk about what 's wrong . I thought . When I got into work , I didn 't see Henry . The only person who was in the store was Cody . I gave him a slight wave to let him know that I was here and punched in . I started to work on one of our display wall . I think I had worked for about half an hour before Henry had walked in , relieving Cody from work . Posted by After the ceremony , I calmly walked outside , trying to pretend that I didn 't notice anything . It was hard to keep the excitement of having just graduated when your ex - boyfriend , who hasn 't said one word to you since the two of you had broken up , shows up at your graduation and declares his love for you . I sighed and put on my best " happy " face and searched for the table that held my real , official diploma . " Courtney , over here ! " I looked up and saw Brittany waving at me to come over . She had found a table that was labeled A to F . I gave her a celebratory hug before standing in the chaotic mess of a line of newly - grads . I finally made my way up to the front of the line after about 20 minutes of pushing , shoving , and elbowing . Once I received my envelope that contained my diploma , I made my way to the open grassy area where the rest of the graduating class of 2010 stood , looking for their families . I had somehow found Henry in the crowd and waved at him . " Courtney ! " he yelled as he ran up to hug me . " We 're high school graduates ! " " I know ! " I exclaimed , excitedly . " College , here we come ! " I laughed . Henry had that look in his eye , like he was going to kiss me . I felt someone grab my arm and I quickly turned around to see who it was . Taylor . I looked at Henry and saw the color drain from his face . He must have seen the sign Taylor was holding during the ceremony . It was pretty hard to miss . I shot Henry an apologetic look . " Courtney , can I talk to you ? " Taylor asked me . He looked at Henry . " Alone ? " " Whatever you want to say to me , you can say in front of Henry , " I told him . Henry put an arm around me , protectively . I smiled at him gratefully for the gesture . I looked at Taylor with a look that could kill . " Why are you here ? " " What are you talking about ? he asked , acting surprised . " I go to school here . " He smiled at me , trying to get me to stop glaring at him . I wasn 't having any of it . " Cut the crap , Taylor , " I snapped at him . " I 'm going to ask you again , why are you here ? " " I want you back , Court , " he admitted . I felt Henry sPosted by I was trying not to grin from Henry 's compliment the whole ride to the University , which was really difficult . I kept myself busy by talking about the wedding with Justin and Sarah . Both sounded really excited about the wedding and heading off to college t0gether . It 's really cute how happy and in love they are . We ended up on the subject of what to do after the graduation ceremony . " My dad 's having a having a graduation party , " I said . " You 're all welcome to come , but my family will be there , so there much be some family drama . So , I don 't know if you guys , and your families , are up for it . " " That sounds like fun , " Sarah said , smiling . " Not the family drama , but the graduation party part . I think my parents would love to come . They love your dad ! Justin , baby , do you want to go ? " " Sure , honey , whatever you want , " Justin said , not taking his eyes off the road . I really think that if Sarah said that the moon was made of chocolate , Justin would have agreed with her . It 's his way of letting Sarah gets what she wants so there are no arguments . I wonder if that 's how they lasted so long . " Anyone else ? " I asked , trying not to smile at my thought . " I 'm there , " Haylie and Adam said at the same time . I laughed . I took a deep breath . " Henry , do you want to come ? " I asked , shyly . " I can 't , my family flew in from New York last night and we 're already planning on having dinner together , " he said , with a twinge of sadness . " I promise I 'll make it up to you . " I nodded . " Someone 's got a date ! " Haylie teased , playfully . I was too far away to elbow her in the ribs , so Sarah gladly did it for me . I thought I saw jealousy flash across Adam 's face for a second when he heard Haylie say that , but I shook my head in disbelief . I was going crazy . Adam was happy with Zoey . It was just my imagination , I decided . " Oh , please , it 'll be the end of the world before Courtney and Henry start dating , " Sarah said , jokingly . Why would Sarah say that ? Is it really THAT far - fetched for me and Henry to date ? I wanted to ask her , but I closed my mouth as soon as Posted by Hey guys ! I really appreciate each and every one of you for taking the time out of your busy schedules just to read my blog . I never thought that I would actually have readers because I 'm doing this for fun . I never really advertised my blog , so I 'm really surprised that I do have any readers . So , thank you so much for finding my blog and for reading ! It puts a smile on my face . : ) I want to ask for a favor and I 'll try to not ask for any more favors in the future . I promise that it won 't cost you a dime , because I know that the economy is still bad right now and money is tight . I would never ask for any money from any of you ever . NEVER EVER ! But , I will ask for a little bit of your time . I just wanted to let you guys know that I put up two widgets , both supporting the Whaleman Foundation . The Whaleman Foundation is one of the many great organizations that I support . It saddens me that there are groups of people out there who still kill whales - which is illegal because of their declining numbers . Although the organization is called the Whaleman Foundation , they also support the protection of dolphins . Here is the information of what 's going on with the dolphins : http : / / whaleman . org / save _ dolphins . htmThere 's the mission information on the bottom of this post . : ) One is located on the sidebar and the other one is located on the bottom of the page . I would really appreciate it if you could click on both of them . It only takes a couple of minutes and it 's FREE ! Seriously . It 's free . I realized I sounded like a salesperson , which is not my intention . : ) The one on the sidebar opens up another window where you do 6 activities . The 6 activities take less than 5 minutes . I 'm not sure if it 's a daily thing or if it 's a one - time thing . The one on the bottom of the page , you just put your first and last name and your email address and press submit . Don 't worry , I won 't be able to see any of your information . If you don 't feel comfortable with entering your name or email address on the blog page , you can enter it on the Save the WhaPosted by Hey , guys ! How 's your week been ? So , I 'm talking about CT in this post . You can ignore it if you don 't want to hear me ramble or you can post a comment if you have a traveling story involving your spouse / boyfriend / family / or just yourself . = ] My internet connection is still off and on , but we 'll see . First , I 'd like to apologize again about Wednesday 's post being late . That was completely an accident and a mistake on my part . I wasn 't careful looking at what time the post was scheduled for . So , I would like to apologize for that again . So , Connecticut ! I 'm in a small town , which is about an hour away from the Hartford airport and the Providence airport . There 's lots of trees here , which is super odd for me because I 'm a city girl . I see empty land , but not land covered in trees in every single direction you go . We 've gone to Boston 's Chinatown ( by " we " , I mean , my uncle , aunt , baby cousin [ so adorable at a little bit over 5 months ] , and my grandma ) , which was a little disappointing to me . One , because San Francisco 's Chinatown is way better . Two , it was basically a couple streets that was boring compared to other Chinatowns . Three , we ate at a really bad Vietnamese restaurant there that most likely gave me food poisoning ( I was sick to my stomach for about two days ) . It wasn 't a fun experience , but a great experience at that . We went to the mall on another day , which is always fun . But the best day was the outlets . I got to buy things like a pair of really badly needed jeans ( I didn 't pack enough clothes ) , which I got to pay for . . with my own money . . . My family is super weird . They will not let me spend any money . I wanted to treat them out to ONE . . I repeat . . ONE meal . . and they WILL NOT let me do it . I 'm over here for two weeks living in their house and they 're taking time off work to be with me . * sigh * " You 're a student " blah blah blah . The thing is . . I 'm almost independent at home . I don 't pay for rent or utilities , but I do pay for my food , gas , personal spending , and my tuition / books for school . I 'm not used to peoplPosted by Graduation day came up faster than I expected . I mean , even with all the graduation practices , I didn 't feel ready for the actual ceremony . I had a bad feeling that I was going to trip on my dress or fall on my face . I just have that ominous feeling that something bad is going to happen . I couldn 't help but feel extremely nervous about tonight . I felt completely nauseous about the whole ordeal . It had been a couple of days since Henry and I shared that kiss , well . . kisses . I don 't really know what 's happening between us , we haven 't talked about what happened . We 've kind of avoided the subject every time we saw each other . That night , after we kissed on the beach , he brought me home and walked me up to the front door . He gave me a hug and practically ran away . He peeled out of my driveway like there was no tomorrow . . . . That wasn 't really reassuring that he returned my feelings . We haven 't even talked to each other outside of school and usually we chat over the phone , but he hasn 't called me since we kissed . Maybe he thought it was a mistake ? Logan , on the other hand , kept calling me non - stop . He wanted me to come over . I came over yesterday , but nothing happened . I 'm actually really glad that nothing happened with everything that 's up in the air with Henry . But , that didn 't mean that Logan didn 't try anything while we were watching a movie . I really needed to have a talk with Henry . I don 't know how much longer I can resist Logan 's advances . Brittany came into my room , wearing a black sequined mini - dress . She had her hair in beautiful curls . I was instantly jealous of her gorgeous blonde hair . Sometimes , I wondered what it would be like to be a blonde instead of a brunette . " Nervous ? " she asked me . I nodded . " Really nervous , " I told her . I pointed to my 3 - inch heels next to my bed . " I 'm going to trip and fall , I know it . " " I 'm sure Dad will catch it on tape , " she said , laughing . I laughed along with her until we realized what was going to happen . Our family 's coming to graduation . Anyone who is near California is coming toJayjay0jt * Note : I 'm so sorry guys ! I scheduled this and apparently I set it for 10pm instead of the usual 12am . I 'm so sorry that this is late . Again , I am really really sorry ! I honestly thought I set it at 12am ! I hope you guys understand and I promise that this won 't happen again . * I sighed and put my phone away . Logan was being a downer . Is it just me or is he getting a little possessive over me ? I could reading too much into it and all Logan wants is just for me to come over so we could have sex . I thought this whole " Friends with Benefits " thing was supposed to be fun , not a stressful type thing . " Is everything ok ? " Henry asked me , with concern in his voice . " Yeah , everything 's fine , " I told him . " Logan 's just being stupid . He wants me to come over . But I 'm busy having dinner with you . " " Oh , I see , " he said . " Do you need me to punch him in the face or anything ? I 'll be glad to . " " No , thank you , " I said , trying not to laugh . Before we could have an awkward silence , the waitress came back with our food . We couldn 't possibly have an awkward silence while we were eating . I smiled to myself . After we were done eating , I paid the check . I had to physically wrestle the darn thing away from Henry . He was very insistent on paying for me ( again ) . Is it because I 'm a girl and he 's a guy and there 's some sort of obligation ? I hope not , because that 's stupid . " So , what do you want to do now ? " Henry asked me . I shrugged . " I don 't know , " I told him . " How about we hit the beach ? " he asked me . " It 's dark , " I said , pointing out the obvious . " So ? " he said , laughing . " We can sit there and talk . " I thought about it for a little bit before I agreed to go . Henry looked extremely happy when I agreed . I laughed . He was cute . We pulled up to the parking lot facing the beach about five minutes later . " So , what do you want to talk about ? " I asked him . " I don 't know , " he said , laughing . " I just wanted to get you on the beach . " " Well , we should actually go on the beach then ? " I said , getting out of the car . Henry chased me onto the beach and picked me up . I reaPosted by Henry was picking me up for the dinner at six . I didn 't know where we were going and I had such a hard time deciding on what to wear . I didn 't want to get all dressed up and find out that it wasn 't a date and look like a completely idiot . But then . . I also didn 't want to be too under - dressed in case we WERE on a date and he WAS taking me somewhere nice . I really hate the situation I 'm in . I 'm so confused , I 'm getting a headache . Brittany was in my room , going through my closet , trying to find something that was perfectly in the middle of those two extremes . I was near ready to give up and just not go to dinner . It was too much stress . " How about this ? " she asked me , pulling out a black miniskirt . " That 's definitely for a date , " I told her . I pulled out a T - shirt . " Can I wear this ? " " No , that 's too casual , " she said , throwing the T - shirt onto my bed . " Can I just go naked ? " I groaned . " It 'd be so much easier . " Brittany laughed . " Then he 'll definitely think it was a date , " she said , giggling . I laughed . My phone vibrated . I took it out of my purse and saw that I had a call from Logan . " Hey , what 's up ? " I asked him . " Nothing , " he said . " I 'm a little lonely over here , do you want to come over ? " " I can 't , Logan , " I told him . I 'd have to admit , I was a little bit sad that I couldn 't go over to Logan 's . He was really good company . " I 'm going out to dinner . " " Who are you going out with ? " he asked , with a suspicious tone . I decided to ignore it . " Henry , " I said , nonchalantly . " Is it a date ? " he asked , curiously . " No , it 's not , " I told him . I rolled my eyes . Brittany tried not to giggle . " I 've got to go , I 'll talk to you later . " " Ok , bye , " Logan said with a little sadness in his voice . I hung up and went back to choosing what to wear . I ended up choosing a nice halter top and a skirt . It looked like something I would wear to school . Brittany convinced me that I shouldn 't look like I was on a date , just because it was Henry and we 're friends . This is just two friends going out to dinner together . Henry picked me up right on time . We ended uPosted by Hey guys ! I 'm going to be in NY until Tuesday night and I won 't have any internet there . So , I put up the new poll early . The post for Monday is already scheduled . I just wanted to let you guys know what 's going on . Everything is on schedule and Wednesday 's post is scheduled too . : ) Have a great day everyone ! Hey guys ! How is everyone ? I hope you guys are enjoying the new posting schedule ! I know I am . : ) Like I mentioned before , my internet is a little shaky right now . I 'm surprised that it hasn 't kicked me off yet . I 've been trying to write all my posts at once so when the internet does kick me off , it won 't freak me out as much . I 'm really trying to stick to the posting schedule because , well , I promised everyone that I would . If I haven 't said so already , well . . I promise to stick to the posting schedule . : ) I 'll talk about Connecticut in my next Fast - Talking Friday post , when the internet is hopefully better ? Onto other blogs . I 'm really sad that so many of the blogs decided to take a break or end . I feel like I lost half my blog roll ( well , technically , I did ) . I 'm so glad that I still have great blogs to read . Alicia 's blog . WOW ! It 's blowing my mind on how she 's taking the whole trial thing . I 'm loving every second of it . It 's just so nicely written . Great job ! The Sometimes blog . . . I 'm really rooting for Will and Emily . It 's just so adorable how they 're both oblivious to what each other 's feelings are . Karen Chronicles - It 's killing me ! I really want to see Karen in a relationship ! Macyn is back and it 's come to an end . I loved the ending . So cute . : ) Diary of J . . what can I say ? That girl has such a crazy life . Sorry that my post is so short , I 'm trying to beat the internet so I don 't get kicked off again . Happy Friday , guys ! Have a great weekend ! I woke up today feeling a little bit nauseous . It was the first day of finals and I didn 't feel ready . I wanted to go back to sleep and just stay asleep until graduation was over . Of course , I couldn 't do that because Brittany came into my room to make sure I was going to school . " Wake up , sleepyhead , " she said , shoving me off the bed . " It 's finals day ! " I don 't know how she could sound so cheery at 6 : 30 in the morning . I grumbled and got back in bed , where it was warm . " Only one more week until graduation ! " she exclaimed . " Come on ! Get up ! " She pulled the blankets off and I gave her a " I 'm going to kill you " stare . " I 'm up , I 'm up , " I told her , getting up . I stumbled into the bathroom and hopped into the shower . My nerves got the best of me and I threw up before I stop myself . I groaned . This was going to be a really long day . After I got dressed , I noticed that a car had pulled up into my driveway . I peered outside my window and saw that it was Henry and his truck . Before he could ring the doorbell , I opened the door . " Hey , you , " I said , giving him a hug . " Good morning . " " Hi , " he said , a little taken back by the hug . I don 't know if it was because it was early in the morning or what , but I thought it was odd . " Did you eat yet ? " " No , not yet , " I told hi . " I heard a car pull up and I had to see who it was . " " Do you want to go out and get something really fast before school ? " he asked . " Sure , " I said , smiling . " Great , " he said , grinning . I think we would have stood there , smiling like idiots , if I hadn 't walked off to get my backpack and my study notes . Henry was acting kind of weird lately . Is he threatened by Logan or something ? I mean , Henry is a really close friend and Logan 's just Logan . I don 't know how to bring up the topic without looking like an idiot if I was wrong . I sighed and decided to let it go . " Ok , I 'm ready , " I told him . When we got to the drive - thru window , Henry had insisted to pay for my breakfast , to much of my protest . " Thanks , " I said , after getting my grilled cheese . " No problem , " he said . We were eating Posted by After I left Logan , I met up with Haylie at this cute little Italian restaurant in downtown Beachside . It had the best spaghetti I 've ever tasted . Of course , when this cute Italian waiter came up to the two of us ( and he was totally flirting with us ) , I ordered the spaghetti . My mouth is watering just thinking about it . " Listen , Court , " Haylie said . " I know I 've done some horrible things . " She looked at me with her sad eyes . " Yeah ? " I said , nodding . " Go on . " " I would really like to apologize for ruining our friendship , " she said . I could already tell that she was going to start crying . The tears in her eyes were already threatening to overflow . I felt really bad for her . I didn 't know what to say to that . I didn 't know how to explain why I forgave her already or what my thought process is . All I know is that , I do forgive her . I don 't really care anymore . I just want our relationship to go back to normal , if that was even possible . I don 't know , but I would really like to try and have my best friend back . " Oh , sweetie , " I said , patting her hand . " It 's ok , really . I forgave you already . I really miss having my best friend . " " I miss you too , Court , " she told me , sniffling . She came over and gave me a hug . I smiled at her . " So , tell me about Luke , " I said , laughing . " Omg , Luke is amazing ! " she gushed . " He is everything that I want in a guy and more . I mean , we 're not official or anything like that yet , but I think we 're heading in the right direction . " " I 'm so happy for you , Hales , " I told her , grinning . " The only downside is , he doesn 't believe in sex before marriage , " she told me . " I don 't know how I feel about that one . On one hand , I think that it 's amazing that he has such strong will to commit to something like that . On the other hand . . well . . " She grinned . " I don 't know , Hales , " I told her . " If you really like the guy , it shouldn 't matter . And you COULD end up marrying him and you 'll be his first , which would be really special to him . " " Oh , gosh , " she said , laughing . She was on the border of hysterical laughter and I was Posted by Hi , everyone ! This blog is a fictional blog . The posting schedule is on Mondays , Wednesdays , and Thursdays . Fridays are Fast - Talking Fridays , a day where you guys can get to know me better . And ! ! On Tuesdays , there will be a weekly poll that 's just for fun ! I am 100 % committed to sticking to this schedule . I will let you guys know ASAP if something will conflict with the posting schedule . I apologize in advance if something comes up . Three rules to the blog : 1 ) Everyone is entitled to their own opinion . 2 ) NO personal attacks on other commenters . 3 ) Please express your complaints if you are not satisfied with the blog in any way shape or form . I would love to hear what I 'm doing right and what I 'm doing wrong . : ) If you don 't feel comfortable commenting in the comments area , you can email me at jayjay0jt @ yahoo . com . Thank you for taking the time out of your day just to read my blog . You have no idea how much I really appreciate it ! As always , have a muy bueno day ! : ) - J ' et I would really appreciate it if you could take a minute out of your busy schedules to sign this petition . Basically , it is a petition to stop countries from killing whales . The Whaleman Foundation is a really good cause that I strongly support and we 're short on signatures on the petition . Please and thank you ! |
No boys met me in Halifax . I called Carol . There was no answer . I frantically combed the small airport from one end to the other , then called her again . No answer . I hung up and swept the airport , then called again . Her phone rang on and on like an insane asylum . I swept the airport a third time , then called again . There was never any answer . After an hour , I gave up and took a taxi to the house . I rang the doorbell . No one answered . The door was locked . I checked the back . The door was open . I walked in and looked around . There was a book on child custody on the table . I sat down on the couch and read it , with increasing horror . Half an hour later , I heard a key scraping in the front door . I ran to open it , catching Carol with Ariel asleep in one arm . " Daddy 's home ! Daddy 's home ! " Caleb and Wren yelled from behind her on the sidewalk . I kissed her on the cheek , catching a whiff of the scent that had enthralled me for 11 years . " Thank you , " she said strangely . I scooped up Caleb and Wren and ran to the couch . Wren was all giggles and wigglies . Caleb buried his head in my armpit and didn 't move . Carol walked in tying on an apron . " You 're welcome to stay for supper if you wish , " she said . " Please don 't wake Ariel up . And , I should tell you now , if I go someplace I want to take him with me . " She went back to the kitchen , leaving little eddies of tension in her wake . I gave the big boys their presents , then settled the immediate squabble over who got what and whose was better . When they were busy playing with their new toys , I picked up sleeping Ariel and carried him into the kitchen . Carol was chopping carrots at the counter . I pulled up a chair near her and sang a quiet lullaby as I undid his jacket , slowly waking him up . He looked up at me in surprise , then buried his face in my chest . " Ariel 's had terrible screaming fits at night ! " Carol said in a harsh voice . " He wakes up screaming ! When you stay all night with the children , I 'm sure you 'll have to call me if he does that . " " Oh , I 'd never call you if he had a fit . I know I could handle it . " I heard a loud drip - drip - drip . I looked up . Blood was splashing onto the floor from her cut finger . Her lips clenched white as she sucked it . I went back to the living room , Ariel toddling along behind me . Wren climbed on my shoulders , then started a fight with Caleb , who only wanted to hide in my armpit . Ariel sat on the floor and watched us , his mouth round like an " O . " I imitated his round mouth in between balancing the other boys , and each time , he burbled into giggles . " Supper 's ready ! " she called in a voice like an axe . I sat down across from her . She never looked at me once . " The food 's good , Carol , " I said as I finished , trying to cheer her up . " I 'm glad you like it , " she murmured to her plate . I took a second helping to prove I meant what I said . Bedtime was daddy - tickle , back - rub and story time . Their little - boy bodies soaked up Daddy like dry sponges drink water . After I got Caleb and Wren to bed , I sat in the living room while Carol rocked Ariel to sleep . " Daddy ! " he kept saying , sitting up and pointing to me , until she took him upstairs . Alone in the living room , I filled up with sadness . I wrote her a poem about winding down our family like a bankrupt business . I read it to her when she came downstairs , weeping a little as I did . With obvious irritation she forced herself to listen , then scraped her chair noisily up to the kitchen table . " Now then , this is a business meeting , " she said . Embarrassed , I wiped my eyes and sat down across from her . " These next four days are crucial in determining our next twenty years , " she continued . " Later , friendship may come . A motel tonight feels appropriate to me . " " Tonight ! " I was horrified . " I thought tonight was one of the two nights I 'd stay with the boys by myself , as we 'd agreed . " Her face was like a chisel . " Well , okay ! I 'll take the car . " Her expression didn 't change . " Is that all right ? " I asked , incredulous . It was my car , too . Her nostrils flared as she gave a stiff little nod . She bent her head to read from her notes . " Don 't talk to the children about the divorce without telling me first . They know as much as they can handle right now . Don 't make it worse . The credit union needs both of us to sign - " " - some papers , and you need to go through the mail for . . . " I stopped listening . I looked at the top of her head as she droned on . She was so fragile . If I got angry at her strange behavior , she would shatter , and then I 'd always be her enemy . After she was done reading , I did the dishes to show her she didn 't need to be afraid of me . She stood awkwardly several feet away from me , holding her list in a tight , white fist . I chattered on about Bonnie 's school . " Amin 's been just wonderful with the boys , " she interrupted . " All of them , " she added , pointedly . " They 've all come to love him . You 've got to be sensitive to my situation . I 've been their sole caretaker for months , and you can 't just return and claim them as if you 'd never left . I worked on getting my breathing under control while I unplugged the sink and watched it drain all the way . I wiped the sink , dried my hands carefully on a dish towel , then turned to face her . " I do understand your position , Carol . My problem is that you may fail to see mine . I 've been away from my boys for over three months . Think how badly you would want to see them if you 'd been away that long . " " Oh , of course ! I agree , I know we can avoid the - " She turned decisively away from me and left the room . I gathered she was telling me to leave . I put on my coat , then waited at the door for a goodbye , but she 'd vanished . I left . As I walked down the front walk I heard a tap - tap - tap . I turned around to see a white , cold face and a lifted hand , hard to make out through the heavy glass . " Hi ! " Ariel said joyfully over his porridge when I walked in the next morning . I fixed myself a bowl . It tasted so good , I had a second helping , then another . Like Goldilocks , I 'd eaten the porridge all up by the time she came downstairs , looking as grumpy as all three bears . Her face went completely white . " Not now , later , " she hissed . She stayed in the kitchen , booming like silent thunder , while I got the boys into shoes and jackets for a trip to the playground . We 'd only been there a few minutes when Caleb 's swing smashed into Wren 's face . Blood poured from Wren 's nose and mouth . He bawled in my arms all the way back home , the other two dragging behind . Carol and I got him fixed up without speaking to one another . After a snack , I drove them out to Point Pleasant Park to play hide and seek between the trees . My boys looked tiny and vulnerable , and I had hardly enough energy to play with them , I was so worn down from no smiles and not even a direct glance from Carol . We went back to the house for lunch . When she served the soup she spilled some on her pants and the floor . She stood looking at the mess with such a sad look on her face , my heart pulled me up to hug her . She was stiff as a board and so thin , so thin . She pulled away , almost crying . I quickly ate my soup while there was still enough love around to bless it , then gratefully left for the afternoon . The boys were watching TV when I came back . I walked into the kitchen to say hello to her . " I shouldn 't have to leave my own house ! " she spat . " I know I agreed to let you stay two nights with the children , but this is my house ! " She glowered at me , her whole body quivering with indignation . I turned around , went to the living room and sat on the couch . " Supper 's ready , " she called a while later . " I 'm not hungry . " I smoked a starving cigarette while my children ate . I 'd been looking forward to being alone with the boys since the day I left Halifax , tonight more than ever because I 'd get to be with them without her crackling in the background . At least I got to put them to bed . I lay down with Ariel and sang quiet lullabies while he touched all the parts of my face , making sweet baby - love to me . I relaxed for the first time since I 'd returned , and we both drifted off to sleep . I woke up a few minutes later and went downstairs . She was sitting on the far side of the kitchen table . Her face was so distorted by rage , it looked like it was made of metal . " I 'm upset you 'd even consider me responsible for your trip ! I was afraid you 'd consider this your home and that it owed you something , but it 's my home ! And I don 't owe you anything ! " I quietly sat down across from her . " Carol , I was only responding to your shift . You said before I came it was okay if I spent two nights alone with the boys . Same thing with the taxi and the motel . You never told me you wouldn 't pick me up at the airport , and we 'd agreed I 'd spend the first night with the boys . " " That was before I realized this is my house ! I shouldn 't have to leave it . I even found you 'd taken my book on child custody ! And read it ! Without my permission ! As if you still lived here and had a right to do things like that ! " I spoke slowly and evenly , to help her see how irrational she was being . " I 'm sorry I moved your book , Carol . But you didn 't tell me about all this ahead of time . " " But it 's my house ! I shouldn 't have to tell you ! " I let the fingernails - on - a - blackboard tone of her voice fade before I replied . " I understand what you 're saying , Carol . I hear you . This is your house and you shouldn 't have to leave it . All right ? Now then . You didn 't tell me this when we made arrangements , so I - " I glared at her . She glared back . A dangerous minute passed . Then I realized I 'd broken my rule about never saying , " please don 't . " Only idiocy lay ahead . So I gave up , wrenched by the futility of dealing with her . I gave up on nights alone with the boys , on making her keep her agreements , and , last of all , on her noticing I 'd given anything up . All I could think of was the boys , lonely for me . I wasn 't going to cry in front of her again . I stood up to leave so quickly I nearly knocked over the chair . " Yeah , I have , " I said , collapsing heavily onto the chair . We talked about my Christmas visit , then covered the following day 's tight agenda . As we ended , she smiled at me . She touched her hand to her cheeks in surprise , then quickly tightened her lips . " Friendly will come later . We have to be careful now . " " Okay , " I said , not minding anything now that I 'd get to be alone with the boys . " Sybil 's going to call me here tonight - " She tore down the hall , grabbed her coat , and ran out the door . I hurried after her to say goodbye but she was already running down the sidewalk to Amin 's . I wondered if she was jealous of Sybil . She used to get jealous when I talked to my houseplants . In the morning I took Caleb and Wren to school , then picked up Carol near Amin 's . The daycare workers looked at me strangely when we both walked in with Ariel . " Everyone else is a single mother , " Carol whispered . As a father , I was breaking the rules just by being there . No , I corrected myself , I 'm obeying the rules , because we 're splitting up . I felt sick : One more nuclear family down the drain . We drove to the Bean Sprout in silence . As we walked up the hill from the parking lot , I took her arm . " Hi . " I avoided his eyes and quickly walked past him to the office . It took me all morning to wade through a three - foot stack of mail for the dead bookstore . Carol and I went out for lunch . I tried to be friends by telling her about Sybil and my poetry . She interrupted every single sentence until I finally shut up . We were silent for the rest of the meal . With nothing to interrupt , she had nothing to say . As we got up to go , she said , " Oh , by the way , I lied when I told you I read your poems and it took me two days to recover from each one . After that first one I was so upset I put all your letters away unopened . We have to go to the credit union now , so we 'd better get moving . " She stood up to put on her coat . I followed her out , too shocked to say anything . It was a long , difficult day after that . I slept through the motel alarm the next morning and raced over to the house to make amends . I made breakfast and all the bag lunches , taking special care with Carol 's , then got everybody and all their things together and into the car . It was another busy , strenuous day of doing errands we could only do together . " I don 't like joint custody , " I told her over tea that afternoon . " It gives you more power than me because you get to make all the little decisions . Those are more important from the boys ' point of view than the big ones , such as which school they go to . " " If we lived near each other it 'd be okay . In any case , I won 't know what to do until I get out of school , and that 's almost two years away . So let 's put off the decision . I know we 'll never disagree about what 's best for the kids . " Caleb tried not to hear me when I told him I 'd be leaving in the morning . He slouched on his bed reading a comic book , looking skinny . I made sure to check his list , entitled " Things To Do With Daddy When Daddy Comes Home , " that he 'd been preparing for over a month . The boys and I had a big paper airplane fight all over the house with lots of screaming and yelling . " Airplane Fight " was the last thing on Caleb 's list . I put them all soundly to bed . As I walked downstairs Carol came home from karate with Amin . She banged open the door and glared at me . With her coat still on and the door wide open , she said , " Amin has no idea why you want to meet with him . Why do you , anyway ? " " He said he didn 't need to talk to you . Why do you need to talk to him ? " I didn 't reply until I was sure I could keep my voice calm , then said , " I ' don 't know , Carol . Ask me after I 've talked to him . " " Ariel will come to look a lot more like Amin in California because of the sun , " she said , finally taking off her coat . " It 's going to become increasingly difficult for Amin to deny his son . " " I don 't know , Carol . Ask me after I talk to him . " I grabbed my coat and ran out of the house barely in time before I got angry . " We have to have coffee if we stay up and talk so late . Now then , Danny , what do you want to talk about ? " His heavy five - o ' clock shadow made him seem especially dark and foreign . " Oh , just to talk . " I sat down at the cheap kitchen table , awkwardly holding coffee I didn 't want . He sat down heavily in the other chair and put his elbow on the table . We looked at each other . " So , " I ventured , " how are you going to manage without Carol while she 's in California ? " " Well , thank you for helping Carol out . " He shrugged . I took a sip . The coffee was way too strong . After an awkward minute , I said , " I can feel a lot of pain with you and Marilyn . If there 's anything I can do to help , let me know . " " Well , I don 't know , " I replied , feeling belittled . " But if there is , just let me know . " He shifted in his chair . I looked around the tiny apartment . It was terribly messy . " So , how 's the Bean Sprout ? " I asked . " I said , ' How 's the Bean Sprout ? ' " From then on we grew more and more deaf until we had to repeat everything we said , sometimes three times . The conversation degenerated until it consisted of him complaining about the business and me commiserating . It was way past midnight when I got to bed . It still took me hours to get to sleep . . . . " Want to play ? " Caleb asks me , knowing I don 't like him . His fingers are bleeding . Somebody stepped on them . My heart squeezes painfully . I woke up . My heart felt bruised . I hurried to get to the house in time to wake and feed the boys before my flight . " I 'm really worried about Caleb , " I told Carol as I walked in . " He 's taking this the hardest . I want to make sure - " " You don 't send enough letters ! " she said , ticking off each item on her fingers as she listed it . " Caleb checks the mail box every day . You sent the wrong presents . Those wooden airplanes only frustrated them . Don 't send them things that frustrate them ! And one more thing - " " No ! " I hurtled up the stairs to wake the boys . Carol stayed away while I made them breakfast , then called me when the taxi came . The three of them lined up at the door for goodbye hugs . Ariel 's face lit up with a sudden smile . " I go Boston , too ! On airplane wif you ! " He wiggled to get out of Carol 's arms . " Just enough room for Daddy , " I said , then turned and headed down the stairs . " Oh ! I forgot you ! " I ran back up the steps to kiss Carol goodbye . I didn 't want the boys to think we hated each other . She turned a white , cold cheek to my lips . It was evening by the time I finally made it to Sybil 's , only to find her gone . I left her a note so she could find me , and went to a restaurant for a cup of tea . I got out my journal and looked at the dream from the night before about Caleb . The truth hit me like a cow pie in the face : Caleb was a symbol for my feelings and in Halifax I 'd stepped on them until they bled . Anger exploded . With my hands trapped in soapy water , Carol had told me how much my children loved her lover . And I 'd gone to him with my head in my hands like a pumpkin to thank him for making my children his friends . I wrote poem after poem of bitter rage followed by dirges for the boys I 'd abandoned by leaving . By the time Sybil showed up with her kind green eyes , I was frantic . Sex was impossible in my condition , but as soon as we got back to her apartment , desire ran rampant . She moved her hips like hunger searches for food and I gave her all I had . Her long , wavy , brown hair poured over my face like the perfume of lilacs . I 'm trying to leave the house to get to Sybil , but I can 't leave with the stovepipe smoking . Smoke pours into the room until I can hardly breathe or see . Frustrated and choking , I pound on the stovepipe , then run to the door to get fresh air . I woke up gasping . The smoky house was the marriage . Only by leaving could I get fresh air , and I hadn 't left yet . My head swelled up with omnivorous ache . It was late afternoon and lots of sherry and aspirin before I could even pick up a pen . I don 't want to see Carol again for about a decade , I wrote . But the boys need me , especially at Christmas , and it 's time I told them about the divorce . Besides , I have some boxes of my stuff in her basement . In a dream they would symbolize feelings in my pelvis that she had control over . I have to go back to old Halifax . I felt so hopeless after that I couldn 't even stay mad at Carol . She was probably in more pain than I was , with three fatherless boys to deal with day after day after day . In skeletal class the next day , I took off my shirt and lay down on the cold linoleum . " Your bones are so big and obvious ! " my partner said as she palpated my ribs . I felt sexually criticized : I was too big and too obvious . Elly lay down on the floor next to me . " It must be a breeze to work on you , " she said , staring at my chest , " because you don 't have any breasts to get in the way . " Elly was shorter and younger than most of the women in Bonnie 's school , who were nearly all 28 or 29 years old . She had uncombed dirty - blonde hair and wore tough - looking clothes that were too big for her . During class , she would gaze at me for long periods of time . I had the funny feeling she didn 't know which gender she was , and staring at me was research . The whole time her partner , Ellen , was working on her ribs , Elly stared at my hairy chest . Then we switched places with our partners . I gratefully put my shirt back on . I worked with extreme care to feel my partner 's ribs through her shirt without coming close to her breasts . Elly watched my hands like a bird of prey while she worked on Ellen lying on the floor nearby . Suddenly Ellen sat up and took her shirt off . She caught me looking before I could tear away my eyes , then lay down on her back again . Elly palpated Ellen 's ribs , probing around her large , soft white breasts . My heart skipped a beat , then accelerated , pounding loudly in my ears . I had to use more pressure on my partner 's ribs to hide the trembling in my hands , knowing she was aware of how close my fingers came to her breasts . Elly was mesmerized . Her wide - open eyes clung to my hands moving so closely to my partner 's bra - less breasts . Every now and then she would check to see what she was doing with Ellen 's ribs , then like wild mice her eyes would dart to my eyes , to see if the man in the class was looking at Ellen 's big bare breasts . My forehead heated up like an oven . I focused on the anatomy of the ribs , ignoring the swelling Snow Whites in the periphery of my vision , the dark brown nipples crinkling a little from the cold , jiggling with every breath Ellen took . My eyes burned and watered from something in my throat that clutched my vocal cords with a grip like death . I couldn 't even swallow , let alone talk . Class ended . Ellen put on her shirt . Elly left . Breathing heavily , I crawled across the cold , hard , mental hospital - gray floor in the direction of my boots , surrounded by the unavoidable , unavailable Female , as I had been for eternity . As I laced up my boots , a screeching orange alternating with bolts of black and violent green commandeered my vision . I collapsed against a wall . The last woman to leave turned out the lights . I sat alone in the dark . The pain of the migraine came quickly this time , like a slow dentist 's drill through the center of my left eyeball and deep into my brain . My neck and shoulders went into spasm , and I hung on the edge of vomiting and diarrhea at the same time . I closed my eyes , fell onto my side and huddled against the wall . Hours later , I was able to walk , and went home to bed . . . . A tall , sexy woman walks into a crowded room , the nipples of her large breasts showing clearly through her thin shirt . " Look ! " Elly says . " Nipples , dark brown nipples ! And her dark brown eyes ! The eyes of Christ ! " I awoke to the light of a new day streaming in through the windows , assaulting my eyes with pain . The regular headache that always followed a migraine was unusually severe this time . I closed my eyes against the sun and saw Jesus on the cross . The sun was hot on my closed eyelids , as it had been on Jesus while He hung around waiting to die . I slowly realized that I 'd always felt crucified , just by being alive . Being imprisoned in a body with feelings was the same as being hung up on a cross and not allowed to die . Sybil and I went for a long walk through Emily Dickinson 's graveyard the next afternoon . It was dark by the time we got back to her apartment . I picked up a book on modern dance . She stood around in her nightie for a while , then gave up on me and picked up a magazine . An hour passed . I finished the book . " Cunningham 's pretty old to still be dancing , " I said . " Arthritis is a dietary problem . " " What do you know of the how and the why of other people 's diseases ? " I thundered , jerking to my feet . " This is an unforgivable obscenity of a conceit ! Look not at the ills of others ! Look at thine own , woman ! " An electric current of condemnation ran down my arm and out my accusing finger . I was pointing at Sybil like the Holy Inquisitor . Her eyes went wide . My words echoed in the silence . " Just leave , " she said , jumping up . " Go . Leave this room ! " I was so surprised at the way I 'd spoken , I couldn 't move . She ran into the bedroom and slammed the door . Not knowing what else to do , I ran a bath . As I lowered myself into the water I saw the distortion in my left field of vision . Another migraine . The light shot black arrows into my eyes . I turned off the light , then sat in the tub in the dark and tried to figure things out . I agreed in general with what I 'd said , but I didn 't know why I 'd used archaic words or pointed at her like that . The pain came like a jackhammer against the back of my eyeball . The water got cold . I got out and tiptoed into the bedroom . Sybil was asleep , her face to the wall . I lifted the covers . " Sleep in the living room , " she said quietly to the wall . " Why ? " I froze , half in and half out . " You were wrong to say all those things about me ! " " What things ? " I asked , slipping under the covers . " That I was evil . " " You know what happened to me once ? " she said , rolling over to face me . " I went to Catholic Mass and the priest held out the little wafer and put it on everybody else 's tongue , then walked right by me . I had my mouth open and everything . I knew I had to be really evil if a priest rejected me . I went up to him afterward and he said it was because I hadn 't been baptized , but his tone of voice and way of speaking - that 's exactly the way you sounded tonight . " She jerked away from my hand . " I 'm sick sick sick of taking care of your sexual needs ! " She turned her back and buried her head in the pillow . I curled up as far away from her as I could get , consumed by sexual shame . I almost slept , then broke into a coughing fit that made the migraine pummel the back of my eye with hatred . I went to the mattress in the living room to cough , so I wouldn 't wake Sybil up . She was already mad enough . I closed my eyes and fell into a long tunnel of blackness , down , spinning down , spinning down . . . . I am awake twice : I 'm sleeping on the mattress at Sybil 's , and I am also lying in a coffin , dead , in a room with a high , white ceiling and arched windows with stained glass at the top . Seven men in red robes with white fur trim are looking at me . l am 79 years old . I have just died and I am dry , very , very dry . I exploded into a fit of coughing so relentless I gagged . I ran to the bathroom and hung over the toilet , retching dry heaves . The dead man was an Archbishop of the Church of England in the 19th century . His fluids were gone and his chalk - white face wrinkled in death long before he died . He had no friends , alive or dead , and he was so dessicated I could not inhale without coughing . I stumbled back to bed , both hands holding my aching head up . The migraine was getting worse , not better as it should have with sleep . My neck felt broken . I drifted like a shipwreck on top of the sea of sleep , never going all the way under . In my half - awareness , I felt my mother all around me , in the air , in the blankets , suffocating me . I jerked awake into a raucous , painful fit of coughing . I was drenched in sweat , my shoulders were freezing , and my anus horribly itched . I huddled under the blankets , covering my mouth with the sheet and breathing in careful little gasps until dawn , when I snatched a nap from the arms of my dead , dry Archbishop . " I hate you ! I hate you ! Get out ! " Sybil screeched as she ran into the room . I collected my clothes , strode into the bathroom , locked the door , and sat on the cold toilet lid , dazed . " I don 't hate you , " she yelled through the door , " but you have to go . " I got dressed , then walked out of the bathroom . She arched away from me like a cat and hissed , " No , it 's true ! I do hate you , abandoning my bed in the night ! You 've crossed my limit - that 's my limit ! I 'm angry angry angry ! " I looked at her , uncomprehending . My throat was parched like a dead man 's , and my socks felt a century old . I laced up my boots , then picked up my pounding head and left . The dry religious tickle of my dead Archbishop was a curse upon my throat for weeks . " In case anybody hasn 't heard yet , " a woman said in class . " John Lennon was shot and killed last night . " My dry throat went thick . He 'd been full of hope , just like me . We 'd both been murdered . He got off easy ; he got to keep his hope . I was walking around dead . The wolf puppies have finally been born , that I plan to breed for use in the Intelligence Service . Suddenly they 're full - grown and dangerous , running loose all over the house . Amin gets out of a coffin and uses New Age spiritual phrases to justify having sex with Carol . Angrily , I see how I 've subjugated myself to him , then follow him out the door , wondering what he 's going to have me do . The white wolf , the mother of the pack roaming the house , leaps for my throat . I throw up my arms to protect myself , but she isn 't attacking ; she 's trying to prevent me from leaving with Amin . She needs something from me . Urgently , I ask , " What does the white wolf need from me ? " " Her human son , " I answered , leaping out of bed . I threw on a pair of pants and a t - shirt and ran outside into the freezing air . I dropped onto all fours and loped through the tall dead grass . A wolfish growl tore out of my throat , low and lethal . In one great bound I soared high above the grass and landed with my front paws pinning an imaginary rabbit . I snapped its neck in two with one bloody bite . I stood up , shaking . I 'd scared myself . My jaws buzzed and tingled , and my hands and bare feet were stained green from grass . I went inside the house and gobbled some food . Bonnie had been teaching us the movements of the animals that underlie human movement . I 'd loved doing " wolf " so much I 'd written an anger poem then recited it for the class while loping around the room like Lobo . That was the wolf in my dreams that I 'd bred for use in my " Intelligence Service . " My anger was smarter than I was . I grabbed a pen . My hand jerked with rage as I scribbled , I 've tried to see Amin 's adultery as best for me in the higher order of things . That 's abandoning my animal feelings . That 's suicide . The Mother Wolf was only trying to stop me from destroying myself around Amin the way I did when I visited at Thanksgiving . Why did he chase me away from my children ? I wasn 't a bad father . Tears flooded out of my eyes . I wiped my face dry . He 'd fucked my wife , period . No shining light around the act , no Jesus in disguise for my greatest good , nothing . I stood up , resolute . I had to tell my parents about the divorce , but not about Ariel . My mother couldn 't handle that . I picked up the phone . " Hi . This is me . I 'm calling to tell you that things are much more serious than you thought . We 're probably going to get divorced . " There was a heavy silence . " We don 't understand , " Gordon finally said . He began to weep . Tears dripped down my cheeks like blood to hear my father cry . " Well ! " Mary said , from the other extension . " It seems to us you 've just run away to have a fine time all by yourself , leaving Carol with the kids . She tells us you 're hardly sending them any letters . " " What will you do ? What are your plans for the boys ? How often are you going to see them ? " Gordon asked in a gruff voice , the angriest I 'd ever heard him . " That 's why both your behavior and the divorce don 't make any sense to us , " Gordon said . " To tell the truth , we already knew . Carol told us a few weeks ago . We were just too angry to call you . Why can 't there be a reconciliation ? " " No . If we had he would 've recommended we split up . It was that obvious . " I was getting tired of this conversation . So were they . We said goodbye and hung up . I didn 't understand anything anymore , especially why the one who committed the crime got to keep my babies . I opened my door to go fix a lonely little supper , and slowly realized I wanted my housemates , Beth and Sully , to feed me . Irritated with my neediness , I marched into the kitchen . " Happy Birthday ! " Sully said . " We 've been waiting for you to come out ! " Beth stood next to him , grinning . They gave me a present : two coffee mugs . They were the first dishes I 'd ever owned by myself . When I was 19 , I moved out of my parents ' house to live with Carol , without any time in between to own my own dishes . Contradictory feelings pillaged my body , so I demonstrated " wolf " and " baboon " for them . The cat fled in terror . Beth and Sully applauded . It took days of delicate negotiations with two designated go - betweens , but Sybil and I finally made up . When I made love to her soft lips and softer skin , I felt folded back into the batter of humanity . But the next morning she took my unwanted and unnecessary morning erection for an invitation , and straddled it . I tried to accommodate her , but as I moved beneath her , the sound of my toenails scraping against the sheet sounded like the roar of the plane taking off for Halifax . I went numb as a piece of wood and shrank to nothing . She leaped out of bed . " Guilt , " she said . " Your monk got the better of you . " She was right . I had to do something about those guys , especially that old dry Archbishop . I closed my eyes and imagined throwing him out of my house and slamming the door . Success ! I thought , until I realized I was standing on the front doorstep while the Archbishop walked back and forth inside my imaginary house . I tried again and again , but every time I threw him out I ended up being the one on the outside . Stumped , I contemplated him . I opened my eyes in surprise : He was contemplating me ! This wasn 't in the past ; this was now . Nervously , I picked up a pen and he spoke : People , I disliked . " Poor wretched sinners , " I would mutter as I closeted myself with books and papers and pens . " If only I could get this Church in order ! Then I could die in peace . " At the instant of my death , I knew this : a life without love is nothing . I lifted pen from paper in awe . The Archbishop was gone . I had a flash of the grand scheme of things , and of a grander me who would choose to spend over 79 years in pain and loneliness in order to have one single deathbed realization . I still refused to believe in reincarnation . Even if it was true , it wasn 't important that it was true . How I dealt with a " past life " was what mattered , not whether it was historically real . And real or not , I still had to integrate that life , like a sub - self that needed to come home . The next Saturday , it was completely dark by the time Sybil and I finally trudged back to her apartment . Only when we got inside did I understand why I 'd wanted to go for such a long walk in the first place : to stay away from her bed . " I think I 've kind of gone somewhere , Sybil . I 'm sorry . " I gazed at her , sick with longing , and she grew Satanic horns ! I inhaled in fright and they vanished . I sighed , miserable and rattled . I 'd hallucinated the Devil onto her just because I was refusing to feel my desire . I felt like a black - and - white drawing on a piece of cardboard , two - dimensional next to her rich roundnesses . The vibrant waves of Sybil 's long chestnut hair , her glowing moss - green eyes and her curving body were an oasis shimmering just beyond my reach . My prostate felt swollen with gritty sand . " Take your time , " she said kindly , seeing how upset I was . " I 'll be here when you come back . " A few days before I left for Christmas in Halifax , Sully drove me and my belongings to Northampton , the town next door to Amherst . Elly wouldn 't be back until January , and I 'd rented her apartment until then . I walked in and out of the rooms for hours that night , chain - smoking in the dark . I kept thinking about the boys and what I liked about each of them : Caleb sighing with relief to be cuddled and read to , Wren punching me to get a good brawl and a tickle , and Ariel falling asleep on my tummy . I bandaged my grief with reams of poetry . It took most of the night and lots of cigarettes . Sybil took pity on me and came over the night before my flight . I was so eager to see her , I grabbed her breasts as soon as she walked in the door . She retreated to the bathroom to change into her nightie . When she emerged , I was naked and wagging my erection . I dropped to all fours and ran around her on my knuckles like a baboon , butting my head into her legs and making animal noises . " Your eyes are so bright ! " she said . She climbed under the covers and hid . I was overjoyed to be the one who was not scared of sex , for once . I crept under the covers and popped up in different places , peek - a - boo teasing her eyes to meet mine . She started to get turned on , and leaned close to me to kiss . I turned my face away . She reached out to hug me and I found myself in a fetal position , terrified of her touch . Alarmed at my behavior , I jumped out of bed , got dressed and lit a cigarette . I relaxed with the smoke , and my legs switched off . I was numb from the waist down . I pounded my thigh with my fist . It was like hitting stone . " God ! " I shouted . " Celibacy is so deep in me ! " " You just need to have sex with a lot of other people , that 's all , " Sybil said . My mouth went slack with shock . I was in terror of her jealousy , and for good reason . " Then you 'll appreciate what we 've got , " she added , weakly . I paced , smoked and looked at the empty space next to the beautiful long - haired long - legged green - eyed woman in my bed . " My body does not like being numb ! " I announced . I stubbed out my cigarette , stepped out of my clothes , and lay down next to her like a wooden plank . Sybil went to sleep . I was brilliantly wide awake , like a light bulb with no off switch . Hours later , I realized the problem was that if I went to sleep , my desire might wake up . I got up and wrote until dawn , when I was too tired to notice I wasn 't alone in bed . " You 're so self - deprecating ! " she yelled . " You 're already acting the Halifax way and I just hate it when you 're like that ! " She looked at me , then lowered her voice and added , " As far as I 'm concerned you went to Halifax several days ago , and even though I miss you I will wait until you come all the way back before I see you again . Goodbye . " I gazed longingly at her . Even her voice was curvaceous . She turned and left . Her wavy brown hair looked more alive than I felt . I hid out in my room all day , smoking to the point of nausea . As soon as I lay down that night , emotions stampeded over the exhausted prairie of my body like buffaloes in the dark . Each one needed me to get out of bed , turn on the lights , separate it from the herd , and calm it down with a poem . I 'd lie down and the stampede would start all over again and drive me frantic until I got up and put another buffalo into words . I didn 't fall asleep till dawn , two hours before I had to get on the bus . . . . Carol is extremely unstable . Once she jumped up in a movie theater and kicked and bit my wife . I woke up violently shuddering . I lurched into my clothes and ran out the door , with one suitcase full of Christmas presents for the boys , another with my clothes , a full knapsack , and a brown bag with a carton of buttermilk and a bag of granola . The buttermilk leaked through the bag , exploded on the sidewalk , and splashed a sticky white mess all over my pants and shoes . I kicked it under a mailbox and leaped onto the bus just as the doors began to close . Breathing heavily , I sat down and thought about the dream : I was so unstable , I used Carol as a symbol of my anger at her as my wife . I stared out the window at the gloomy day . The movie theater in the dream was Halifax , where the rerun of the marriage was still playing . I wondered if I would be trapped in a rerun for the rest of my life . In the airport lobby a priest walked up as if to tell me something . At the last minute he veered away and sat down in the chair next to me . I was just getting over my surprise when another priest sat down on my other side . I looked around the room . There were lots of empty seats . Like handcuffs , the black - clad arms of priests pressed against mine . I was too frightened to move . A few minutes later , my flight was called , and I left their black embrace for the blacker one of the plane to Halifax . |
You may remember about two years ago we made a little movie with the girls called , " The Little Turtle " . It was a crazy weekend where we had to promise treats and ponies to get the girls to do what we wanted . However , it resulted in a pretty fun little film for all to watch . Not to long after we did that one , Andy , along with help from the girls , came up with an idea for another little movie . It took him a while to really get the story down though . Plus life got in the way , and I wasn 't in the mood to be promising treats and ponies again anytime soon . The last pony took up too much space in our backyard . Not to mention the smell . Here we are two years later , and the girls are older and easier to direct , for the most part , so we were all game for trying this again . A couple weekends ago , we spent a Sunday filming this next gem you are about to see . The girls were in fact easier to manipulate without bribing as much . However , they are still kids acting and damn what a pain ! I have such respect for people who direct kids movies . You know why some of those movies are so crappy ? Because at some point the direct is like - " good enough ! She halfway smiled , lets move on ! ! " You would think that Sonya would have been the easiest since she is the oldest , but it turns out she takes someone , or maybe just Daddy , directing her a little to personally . We had to stop and give her a couple of breaks . Georgia would usually do what we wanted , but then she would decided she was over it . Her body would start doing the boneless jelly thing and slide off the couch . So off we would send her to watch Word Girl for a bit . Lana , well it turns out Lana might be our little star . The one who has the most difficult time doing what I ask of her - clean your room , unload the dishwasher - was the one who did exactly what Andy asked her to in this movie . Sure she would whine , " AGAIN ? " , when Andy said we had to do the scene one more time . However as soon as he yelled action she was in it . There were no tears , no boneless jelly body , nothing but what we asPosted by The morning of my birthday the girls gave me some presents they had made . They had worked hard on them for a couple of day before and were excited to present me with them . I swear they get just as excited for my birthday or Andy 's as they do for their own . I took a pictures of a few of my favorite things they gave me to share with you . This first one is from Georgia . It 's a garden and the family . Only she forgot to draw herself , so it 's only four people . Awww Georgia ! The picture underneath are the stickers she made for me . They have tape on the back so I can wear them . The one on the right is a Target sticker , in case you weren 't sure . This next gift was great . Lana gave me something I 've needed for a long time . It a TV show about talking cats ! Complete with remote . You know in case I get tired of the talking cats show . These next two are from Sonya . This first one is a pretty flower she drew for me . She has been drawing these type of flowers quite a bit lately . I love them . So creative . The only flowers I could / can draw are daisies . Then there is this one . Yes , my oldest daughter got me a bottle of wine for my birthday . Not only that , but a purple bottle of wine she called " Purple Pansy Wine " . Purple is my favorite color . Does she know me or what ? If you can 't read the bottom of the glass it says , " and I could never thank her more for her help and love . " I don 't know if she made that up or read it somewhere . I couldn 't ask because I was trying to hard to blink back tears . So sweet . I guess I got some pretty great gifts for my birthday . Although , nothing will ever beat the gift of those three girls . Posted by Today is my 39th birthday . 39 . T - H - I - R - T - Y N - I - N - E . Next year I will be that other number . The one up from 39 . So I will try and enjoy this last year of my 30s . The funny thing is I don 't even feel like I 'm 39 . Half the time I still think of myself as 29 . Maybe 31 , but certainly not almost - you know . I don 't know why 40 ( Aaahh ! I said it ! ) is freaking me out , but it is . I will try to get over that in the next year I suppose , because really it 's only a number right ? And , and as my Pop - pop used to say " beats the hell out of the alternative ! " He was so right about that . Or maybe not , because who knows what 's after this ? For now I want to be here though , and 40 is still youngish these days . At least if I compare myself to my parents . Anyway - in honor of my birthday I thought I 'd share a story about myself from a birthday 30 years ago . It is a story I completely forgot about until just recently . It came back to me when I took a look at Lana 's little feet a couple months ago . I realized just how tiny and NARROW they were , especially in the heel . Her foot looks like the small letter v . She has a few pair of " slip - on " type shoes , but they always seemed to be too big on her . They were constantly coming off her foot . I thought we just had the wrong size , but no , her toe was were it should be . Then it occurred to me . When I was a kid all I wanted was a pair of " slip - on " shoes . I could never have them though , because my heel was so narrow and I would constantly step out of any I tried on . I had Lana hold up her foot for me and sure enough - the letter v . Poor thing . Like she 's not tiny enough and still wearing a 5T , now she can 't wear certain shoes . That was when I remembered my 9th birthday . As I said , all I wanted for years - or maybe months because who knows how long time is at that age - was a pair of shoes with no buckles or straps . A grown up pair of shoes that I could just slip on and off my feet . Then on my 9th birthday I finally got a pair . Now I can 't recall why I was able to get this pair . I don 't know if my feet grew or if my mom just found some that actually fit me . Either way , I was ecstatic when I opened my present that morning and of course I was going to wear them to school . At the time , I went to a private Catholic school , so we had to wear uniforms . The only thing you were allowed to wear that was your own were your shoes , and I couldn 't wait to show off my new ones . I walked onto the bus and showed all my friends . I got to school and paraded around the classroom for all to see . They were my new shoes and they were awesome ! AND - bonus - they didn 't come off my feet ! I couldn 't be happier and I was definitely obsessed with them . I was the kind of kid who always listened and did what she was told . Especially at school . My girls are the same way . As much of a pain in the ass as they can be at home , at school they are angels . I never caused problems and NEVER got in trouble with the teacher . I always paid attention and got good grades . I guess I was a nerd or maybe a goodie two shoes . Every day the teacher would read to us from a chapter book and we would all sit on the rug to listen . I loved to listen to her read us stories and never had a problem paying attention . Usually . That day , however , I had a distraction - my new shoes . As I sat on the rug , my legs tucked to my side , I admired my new grown up shoes . They looked so great ! And look how the slipped on my heel , off my heel , on my heel , off my heel . I guess I hadn 't realized I was playing with my shoe and completely ignoring the teacher until she called me on it . A couple of the kids around me giggled , I slowly nodded my head and turned about ten different shades of red . I had gotten IN TROUBLE ! ME ! IN TROUBLE ! And on my birthday no less ! Because of my most beloved present ! I was horrified . It was the first time I had ever gotten in trouble at school and looking back it really wasn 't even that big a deal . Although at the time , I remember how mortified I was . I honestly can 't remember if I wore those shoes to school again . I 'm sure I did , though because they were so cool . They slipped on ! And off ! It 's funny how memories like that will just come back to you like a slap in the face . I had totally forgotten about that until I started looking at Lana 's foot and realizing how narrow it is , just like mine was . Thirty years ago . I think more than anything , I can 't believe it 's been THIRTY YEARS since I was 9 . I swear it was only about 10 years ago I was that age . But here I am . The good news is , I can totally wear a pair of slip on shoes now and there is nobody who will yell at me for playing with them . So I guess getting older isn 't all bad . Can you all remind me of that when I start to have a panic attack next year at this time ? Posted by There are many times while raising kids when you hear your own words come back out through them . Sometimes it is good and sometimes not so much . Like when Sonya was almost two years old and yelled the word " Crap " at me once . I realized in that moment that what I thought was my innocent word I used to replace my bad words , did not sound so innocent coming from a two year old . The other day Georgia and I were in the car on the way to pick Lana up from Kindergarten . There was a woman in the middle of the street trying to cross to the other side . This was nowhere near the crosswalk , but in the middle of very busy N . Hollywood in Burbank . I noticed her , and thought to myself that it wasn 't the best thing for her to be doing , but didn 't say anything . I didn 't need to because from the back seat I heard Georgia say , I kinda giggled to myself . This is something I 'm sure I have said in a similar situation at some point . In fact I could hear myself along with her saying the same thing in that moment . Then she felt the need to point it out to me . " Mommy , dat wady is in da middle of da stweet ! Dat is NOT smawt ! " " You 're right Georgia , " I told her . " That isn 't smart , but you are a smart girl for knowing that . " Then she said , " Damn , right ! " What ? I guess that word isn 't as innocent as I once thought either . But hey ! At least she 's repeating some good things ! Last Tuesday evening as I was leaving with the little girls from ballet class , I saw this guy standing in the middle of the parking lot . I immediately stopped my car got out and looked around to see if someone was going to come running after him . I assumed he had just gotten away . There was nobody around , except a man playing with his son in the park about 50 yards away . I got his attention and asked if it was his dog , but he shook his head no . Now I didn 't know what to do . Lana and Georgia were in the van flipping out . " Mommy ! Who does he belong to ? What are you doing with him ? ? Don 't just leave him there ! ! " This was mostly Lana . Anytime a neighborhood dog gets loose for some reason , Lana always spots it and yells for me . Then I have to got outside and wrangle it back to whose backyard it escaped from . If I try to ignore that a dog is running around in our front yard , Lana just about loses her mind . " Mommy ! The doggie will get squished by a car ! ! You have to put it back ! " This happens more often than I can tell you with multiple dogs on my block . My neighbors really need to look into getting better locks on their back gates . So there I was looking at this little doggie trying to figure out what to do . I briefly thought about leaving him there , but I just couldn 't . He would get squished by a car he was so little . I approached him with my hand in a fist for him to smell me . He was scared , but didn 't growl or back away , so I just picked him up . He was completely fine with me doing that and he was so light . I could tell he was a sweet dog even though he was mostly a Chihuahua , a type of dog I am not usually a fan of . He looked like he might be mixed with something else though . Miniature Pinscher perhaps ? Either way , he was a good dog , and he appeared to be well taken care of . So he had to belong to someone . I put him in the van , much to the delight of the girls , and left . Then I tried to figure out what the hell to do with him . I had to pick Sonya up from Girl Scouts , run home feed everyone dinner , and get out the door to have Sonya at her baseball game in just over an hour . There was no way I had time to deal with a stray dog , yet there I was . I texted my friend , Cecelia , who volunteers at the Burbank Animal Shelter on the weekends . I was thinking , maybe he was chipped and the owner was out looking for him . If I could find out , then I could have this little guy home before bedtime . No such luck . The shelter was already closed for the day . We were going to have to keep him for the night . That was going to be fun with the cat , and Andy , who is not really a dog person , and my girls who were already pleading , I was thinking the same thing though , because he was so sweet . We got home and Mercury took one look at him and decided to hate him . He stalked him for a while and when he realized he was actually bigger than the dog , decided to start chasing him around the kitchen and the living room . The dog would turn to bark at him from time to time . It was quite a scene . So I sent the girls outside with the little doggie , who they had decided to name Beethoven . I 'm sure most of you are thinking right now that they named him that after the movie about Beethoven the dog , but no . They 've never even seen it . They named him that because my father - in - law mistakenly ( and I 'm pretty sure jokingly ) calls Mercury that . So they decided Beethoven would be a perfect name for our dog . ( Their second choice was Jupiter which I personally liked . ) Yes , they thought he was staying despite me telling them many times that he probably had a family that was looking for him , and we needed to find out so he could go home . They didn 't care what name someone else had given him , he was now Beethoven . As they were outside playing with him and carrying him around the yard - because he let anyone pick him up and carry him - I called Andy to tell him the situation . He sounded a bit annoyed but I reiterated " What could I do ? ? ! I couldn 't just leave him there ! " . He understood , as long as he went to the shelter in the morning . FINE , WHATEVER ! I did want to find his home though , so it was the best option . Since he and Mercury had not become fast friends , I took him with us to Sonya 's baseball game where every person there ooohed and aaahed over him and how cute he was . I told the parents the story and let them know if they heard of a missing dog to contact me . I put it on Facebook - the King of all happenings on the internet . By the time we got home from the baseball game I still had Beethoven in tow . Mercury continued to stalk him so I decided to put him in Sonya 's room for the first part of the night . Then he slept in our room at the foot of the bed , on AndI waited for a call , and waited . After a couple hours I called back the company that does the chipping and talked to them about little Beethoven again . The woman put me hold to call the owner . I was hopeful in that two minutes of phone silence , but those hopes were dashed when she came back on the line to tell me the owner said she gave that dog away to someone else a while ago . I called bullshit . Well in my head I did . Then she asked if I wanted the ( ex ) owner 's number to call and talk to her about it . To say what ? Why the hell would you give such a sweet dog away and did you really give him away or did you leave him in the park you heartless bastard ? No , the only thing to do was head to the shelter and drop him off . Unfortunately , I had no time to do that before I picked up the two little girls from school . When they saw Beethoven was still with us , they were understandably excited . The " is he staying ? " questions started . They weren 't thrilled when I told them that he was going to the shelter after we had our lunch . I had to make sure to do it before Sonya got home . I didn 't need three crying girls on my hands . After lunch , we drove the five minutes to the Burbank Animal Shelter while Lana and Georgia cried in the backseat about wanting to keep Beethoven . I felt bad . I wanted to keep him too , but I knew Andy wasn 't interested and I know how much work and expense taking care of a dog can be . I wasn 't prepared to try and take that on at the moment . Not to mention Mercury still wanted to eat him when we left . We walked into the shelter and I started telling the women behind the counter my story about finding Beethoven and how sweet he was . Then one of the women turned and looked at him and said , " Oh , I know that dog ! There was a woman in here yesterday trying to give him up , but she was from Toluca Lake and we told her we couldn 't take him . " Then she shook her head in disgust as she realized what the woman had done . " I swear I found him in the park , " I began . Then I realized also what had happened . See - the Burbank Animal Shelter is technically a no - kill shelter in that they won 't kill an animal just because it 's been there a month and they have no room . Eventually , if an animal has been there for over a year or two , they tend to get stir crazy and go a little nutty being cooped up in a cage for most of the day . So if they get to that point and are deemed unadoptable , then they will have to put them down . However , they get a LONG chance before that happens . Most of the other shelters just don 't have the room and will put a dog down after a month or so . Because of this Burbank Animal Shelter will only accept animals from Burbank residents only . Or if someone just leaves a box of kittens in front of their door as someone did with Mercury and his sisters and brothers . Since the woman who tried to give up Beethoven , did not have a Burbank address , they wouldn 't take him . So her solution was to drop him off in a Burbank park , where some sucker would pick him up and either keep him , or take him to the shelter . Hi . I 'm the sucker . Now there were two thoughts here , the first one being " well at least she tried to get him into the good shelter . " The other one , however was " HE COULD HAVE BEEN SQUISHED BEFORE ANYONE GOT TO HIM ! ! I CAN ' T BELIEVE SHE LEFT HIM IN A PARK ! ! " What is wrong with people ? I shouldn 't judge . I don 't know anything about this woman and her life and why she had to give up this dog . It certainly wasn 't because he was aggressive , because he was one of the sweetest dogs I 'd ever met . Especially for being part Chihuahua . I 've met some pretty nasty , snarly , ones in that breed . But if you are going to take on having a pet , you should know you are taking it on for at least 15 or so years . It 's not something fun to just have until you get bored with it . It upsets me the amount of animals that are in the shelters across the country . Did no one listen to Bob Barker ? ? Well , after handing over my license for them to write my information down and signing a form , we left Beethoven behind in the very capable hands of the people at the shelter . The woman I was talking to was great . She assured me that they would have no problem adopting him out , because he was little and sweet . " I know you guys name the dogs while they 're here if you don 't already know their names , I said . " Is there anyway you can name him Beethoven ? My girls have been calling him that since yesterday . " She told me if they couldn 't get in touch with the owner to find out his real name she would make a note of it . Then as she picked him up to take him in the back she said , " Yes " , I told her , " but at least now he went through the proper channels . " Not to mention it gave me something to write about . The girls were upset again when we got back in the car , so I took them to get the one thing that makes everything better , ice cream . They did feel better after that but even now , a week later , they are still talking about Beethoven . We didn 't even have him for 24 hours ! I have to admit I kinda got attached too . I do want a dog . And I know the girls do . All I have to do is convince the husband . Or just sneak Beethoven back in and pretend he 's been here the whole time . Andy doesn 't have the best memory , so it 's a possibility . As long as Mercury doesn 't try to eat him we should be all good ! Before school they wanted a picture before he left . Quick footnote : Anyone living in the L . A area looking for a great little dog , the Burbank Animal Shelter will have him up for adoption on April 15th . I would love if someone I know took him . Just promise me you will name him Beethoven . ( Or Jupiter ) I have another video for you ! I have a story about something that happened over the past 24 hours , but damn I am having a hard time these days finding time to write . Perhaps tomorrow . In the meantime . . . Sonya made this video a couple months ago . We were discussing dinner and what she was going to have with the soup I was making . You will see she insisted on both options , until she realized if the arguing with mommy didn 't stop she wouldn 't get the one thing in this world she obsesses most about . DESSERT ! ( And again - you get to hear my lovely voice become increasingly annoyed . I hope if nothing else it makes the rest of you nagging moms not feel so alone . ) I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that . |
You may remember about two years ago we made a little movie with the girls called , " The Little Turtle " . It was a crazy weekend where we had to promise treats and ponies to get the girls to do what we wanted . However , it resulted in a pretty fun little film for all to watch . Not to long after we did that one , Andy , along with help from the girls , came up with an idea for another little movie . It took him a while to really get the story down though . Plus life got in the way , and I wasn 't in the mood to be promising treats and ponies again anytime soon . The last pony took up too much space in our backyard . Not to mention the smell . Here we are two years later , and the girls are older and easier to direct , for the most part , so we were all game for trying this again . A couple weekends ago , we spent a Sunday filming this next gem you are about to see . The girls were in fact easier to manipulate without bribing as much . However , they are still kids acting and damn what a pain ! I have such respect for people who direct kids movies . You know why some of those movies are so crappy ? Because at some point the direct is like - " good enough ! She halfway smiled , lets move on ! ! " You would think that Sonya would have been the easiest since she is the oldest , but it turns out she takes someone , or maybe just Daddy , directing her a little to personally . We had to stop and give her a couple of breaks . Georgia would usually do what we wanted , but then she would decided she was over it . Her body would start doing the boneless jelly thing and slide off the couch . So off we would send her to watch Word Girl for a bit . Lana , well it turns out Lana might be our little star . The one who has the most difficult time doing what I ask of her - clean your room , unload the dishwasher - was the one who did exactly what Andy asked her to in this movie . Sure she would whine , " AGAIN ? " , when Andy said we had to do the scene one more time . However as soon as he yelled action she was in it . There were no tears , no boneless jelly body , nothing but what we asPosted by The morning of my birthday the girls gave me some presents they had made . They had worked hard on them for a couple of day before and were excited to present me with them . I swear they get just as excited for my birthday or Andy 's as they do for their own . I took a pictures of a few of my favorite things they gave me to share with you . This first one is from Georgia . It 's a garden and the family . Only she forgot to draw herself , so it 's only four people . Awww Georgia ! The picture underneath are the stickers she made for me . They have tape on the back so I can wear them . The one on the right is a Target sticker , in case you weren 't sure . This next gift was great . Lana gave me something I 've needed for a long time . It a TV show about talking cats ! Complete with remote . You know in case I get tired of the talking cats show . These next two are from Sonya . This first one is a pretty flower she drew for me . She has been drawing these type of flowers quite a bit lately . I love them . So creative . The only flowers I could / can draw are daisies . Then there is this one . Yes , my oldest daughter got me a bottle of wine for my birthday . Not only that , but a purple bottle of wine she called " Purple Pansy Wine " . Purple is my favorite color . Does she know me or what ? If you can 't read the bottom of the glass it says , " and I could never thank her more for her help and love . " I don 't know if she made that up or read it somewhere . I couldn 't ask because I was trying to hard to blink back tears . So sweet . I guess I got some pretty great gifts for my birthday . Although , nothing will ever beat the gift of those three girls . Posted by Today is my 39th birthday . 39 . T - H - I - R - T - Y N - I - N - E . Next year I will be that other number . The one up from 39 . So I will try and enjoy this last year of my 30s . The funny thing is I don 't even feel like I 'm 39 . Half the time I still think of myself as 29 . Maybe 31 , but certainly not almost - you know . I don 't know why 40 ( Aaahh ! I said it ! ) is freaking me out , but it is . I will try to get over that in the next year I suppose , because really it 's only a number right ? And , and as my Pop - pop used to say " beats the hell out of the alternative ! " He was so right about that . Or maybe not , because who knows what 's after this ? For now I want to be here though , and 40 is still youngish these days . At least if I compare myself to my parents . Anyway - in honor of my birthday I thought I 'd share a story about myself from a birthday 30 years ago . It is a story I completely forgot about until just recently . It came back to me when I took a look at Lana 's little feet a couple months ago . I realized just how tiny and NARROW they were , especially in the heel . Her foot looks like the small letter v . She has a few pair of " slip - on " type shoes , but they always seemed to be too big on her . They were constantly coming off her foot . I thought we just had the wrong size , but no , her toe was were it should be . Then it occurred to me . When I was a kid all I wanted was a pair of " slip - on " shoes . I could never have them though , because my heel was so narrow and I would constantly step out of any I tried on . I had Lana hold up her foot for me and sure enough - the letter v . Poor thing . Like she 's not tiny enough and still wearing a 5T , now she can 't wear certain shoes . That was when I remembered my 9th birthday . As I said , all I wanted for years - or maybe months because who knows how long time is at that age - was a pair of shoes with no buckles or straps . A grown up pair of shoes that I could just slip on and off my feet . Then on my 9th birthday I finally got a pair . Now I can 't recall why I was able to get this pair . I don 't know if my feet grew or if my mom just found some that actually fit me . Either way , I was ecstatic when I opened my present that morning and of course I was going to wear them to school . At the time , I went to a private Catholic school , so we had to wear uniforms . The only thing you were allowed to wear that was your own were your shoes , and I couldn 't wait to show off my new ones . I walked onto the bus and showed all my friends . I got to school and paraded around the classroom for all to see . They were my new shoes and they were awesome ! AND - bonus - they didn 't come off my feet ! I couldn 't be happier and I was definitely obsessed with them . I was the kind of kid who always listened and did what she was told . Especially at school . My girls are the same way . As much of a pain in the ass as they can be at home , at school they are angels . I never caused problems and NEVER got in trouble with the teacher . I always paid attention and got good grades . I guess I was a nerd or maybe a goodie two shoes . Every day the teacher would read to us from a chapter book and we would all sit on the rug to listen . I loved to listen to her read us stories and never had a problem paying attention . Usually . That day , however , I had a distraction - my new shoes . As I sat on the rug , my legs tucked to my side , I admired my new grown up shoes . They looked so great ! And look how the slipped on my heel , off my heel , on my heel , off my heel . I guess I hadn 't realized I was playing with my shoe and completely ignoring the teacher until she called me on it . A couple of the kids around me giggled , I slowly nodded my head and turned about ten different shades of red . I had gotten IN TROUBLE ! ME ! IN TROUBLE ! And on my birthday no less ! Because of my most beloved present ! I was horrified . It was the first time I had ever gotten in trouble at school and looking back it really wasn 't even that big a deal . Although at the time , I remember how mortified I was . I honestly can 't remember if I wore those shoes to school again . I 'm sure I did , though because they were so cool . They slipped on ! And off ! It 's funny how memories like that will just come back to you like a slap in the face . I had totally forgotten about that until I started looking at Lana 's foot and realizing how narrow it is , just like mine was . Thirty years ago . I think more than anything , I can 't believe it 's been THIRTY YEARS since I was 9 . I swear it was only about 10 years ago I was that age . But here I am . The good news is , I can totally wear a pair of slip on shoes now and there is nobody who will yell at me for playing with them . So I guess getting older isn 't all bad . Can you all remind me of that when I start to have a panic attack next year at this time ? Posted by There are many times while raising kids when you hear your own words come back out through them . Sometimes it is good and sometimes not so much . Like when Sonya was almost two years old and yelled the word " Crap " at me once . I realized in that moment that what I thought was my innocent word I used to replace my bad words , did not sound so innocent coming from a two year old . The other day Georgia and I were in the car on the way to pick Lana up from Kindergarten . There was a woman in the middle of the street trying to cross to the other side . This was nowhere near the crosswalk , but in the middle of very busy N . Hollywood in Burbank . I noticed her , and thought to myself that it wasn 't the best thing for her to be doing , but didn 't say anything . I didn 't need to because from the back seat I heard Georgia say , I kinda giggled to myself . This is something I 'm sure I have said in a similar situation at some point . In fact I could hear myself along with her saying the same thing in that moment . Then she felt the need to point it out to me . " Mommy , dat wady is in da middle of da stweet ! Dat is NOT smawt ! " " You 're right Georgia , " I told her . " That isn 't smart , but you are a smart girl for knowing that . " Then she said , " Damn , right ! " What ? I guess that word isn 't as innocent as I once thought either . But hey ! At least she 's repeating some good things ! Last Tuesday evening as I was leaving with the little girls from ballet class , I saw this guy standing in the middle of the parking lot . I immediately stopped my car got out and looked around to see if someone was going to come running after him . I assumed he had just gotten away . There was nobody around , except a man playing with his son in the park about 50 yards away . I got his attention and asked if it was his dog , but he shook his head no . Now I didn 't know what to do . Lana and Georgia were in the van flipping out . " Mommy ! Who does he belong to ? What are you doing with him ? ? Don 't just leave him there ! ! " This was mostly Lana . Anytime a neighborhood dog gets loose for some reason , Lana always spots it and yells for me . Then I have to got outside and wrangle it back to whose backyard it escaped from . If I try to ignore that a dog is running around in our front yard , Lana just about loses her mind . " Mommy ! The doggie will get squished by a car ! ! You have to put it back ! " This happens more often than I can tell you with multiple dogs on my block . My neighbors really need to look into getting better locks on their back gates . So there I was looking at this little doggie trying to figure out what to do . I briefly thought about leaving him there , but I just couldn 't . He would get squished by a car he was so little . I approached him with my hand in a fist for him to smell me . He was scared , but didn 't growl or back away , so I just picked him up . He was completely fine with me doing that and he was so light . I could tell he was a sweet dog even though he was mostly a Chihuahua , a type of dog I am not usually a fan of . He looked like he might be mixed with something else though . Miniature Pinscher perhaps ? Either way , he was a good dog , and he appeared to be well taken care of . So he had to belong to someone . I put him in the van , much to the delight of the girls , and left . Then I tried to figure out what the hell to do with him . I had to pick Sonya up from Girl Scouts , run home feed everyone dinner , and get out the door to have Sonya at her baseball game in just over an hour . There was no way I had time to deal with a stray dog , yet there I was . I texted my friend , Cecelia , who volunteers at the Burbank Animal Shelter on the weekends . I was thinking , maybe he was chipped and the owner was out looking for him . If I could find out , then I could have this little guy home before bedtime . No such luck . The shelter was already closed for the day . We were going to have to keep him for the night . That was going to be fun with the cat , and Andy , who is not really a dog person , and my girls who were already pleading , I was thinking the same thing though , because he was so sweet . We got home and Mercury took one look at him and decided to hate him . He stalked him for a while and when he realized he was actually bigger than the dog , decided to start chasing him around the kitchen and the living room . The dog would turn to bark at him from time to time . It was quite a scene . So I sent the girls outside with the little doggie , who they had decided to name Beethoven . I 'm sure most of you are thinking right now that they named him that after the movie about Beethoven the dog , but no . They 've never even seen it . They named him that because my father - in - law mistakenly ( and I 'm pretty sure jokingly ) calls Mercury that . So they decided Beethoven would be a perfect name for our dog . ( Their second choice was Jupiter which I personally liked . ) Yes , they thought he was staying despite me telling them many times that he probably had a family that was looking for him , and we needed to find out so he could go home . They didn 't care what name someone else had given him , he was now Beethoven . As they were outside playing with him and carrying him around the yard - because he let anyone pick him up and carry him - I called Andy to tell him the situation . He sounded a bit annoyed but I reiterated " What could I do ? ? ! I couldn 't just leave him there ! " . He understood , as long as he went to the shelter in the morning . FINE , WHATEVER ! I did want to find his home though , so it was the best option . Since he and Mercury had not become fast friends , I took him with us to Sonya 's baseball game where every person there ooohed and aaahed over him and how cute he was . I told the parents the story and let them know if they heard of a missing dog to contact me . I put it on Facebook - the King of all happenings on the internet . By the time we got home from the baseball game I still had Beethoven in tow . Mercury continued to stalk him so I decided to put him in Sonya 's room for the first part of the night . Then he slept in our room at the foot of the bed , on AndI waited for a call , and waited . After a couple hours I called back the company that does the chipping and talked to them about little Beethoven again . The woman put me hold to call the owner . I was hopeful in that two minutes of phone silence , but those hopes were dashed when she came back on the line to tell me the owner said she gave that dog away to someone else a while ago . I called bullshit . Well in my head I did . Then she asked if I wanted the ( ex ) owner 's number to call and talk to her about it . To say what ? Why the hell would you give such a sweet dog away and did you really give him away or did you leave him in the park you heartless bastard ? No , the only thing to do was head to the shelter and drop him off . Unfortunately , I had no time to do that before I picked up the two little girls from school . When they saw Beethoven was still with us , they were understandably excited . The " is he staying ? " questions started . They weren 't thrilled when I told them that he was going to the shelter after we had our lunch . I had to make sure to do it before Sonya got home . I didn 't need three crying girls on my hands . After lunch , we drove the five minutes to the Burbank Animal Shelter while Lana and Georgia cried in the backseat about wanting to keep Beethoven . I felt bad . I wanted to keep him too , but I knew Andy wasn 't interested and I know how much work and expense taking care of a dog can be . I wasn 't prepared to try and take that on at the moment . Not to mention Mercury still wanted to eat him when we left . We walked into the shelter and I started telling the women behind the counter my story about finding Beethoven and how sweet he was . Then one of the women turned and looked at him and said , " Oh , I know that dog ! There was a woman in here yesterday trying to give him up , but she was from Toluca Lake and we told her we couldn 't take him . " Then she shook her head in disgust as she realized what the woman had done . " I swear I found him in the park , " I began . Then I realized also what had happened . See - the Burbank Animal Shelter is technically a no - kill shelter in that they won 't kill an animal just because it 's been there a month and they have no room . Eventually , if an animal has been there for over a year or two , they tend to get stir crazy and go a little nutty being cooped up in a cage for most of the day . So if they get to that point and are deemed unadoptable , then they will have to put them down . However , they get a LONG chance before that happens . Most of the other shelters just don 't have the room and will put a dog down after a month or so . Because of this Burbank Animal Shelter will only accept animals from Burbank residents only . Or if someone just leaves a box of kittens in front of their door as someone did with Mercury and his sisters and brothers . Since the woman who tried to give up Beethoven , did not have a Burbank address , they wouldn 't take him . So her solution was to drop him off in a Burbank park , where some sucker would pick him up and either keep him , or take him to the shelter . Hi . I 'm the sucker . Now there were two thoughts here , the first one being " well at least she tried to get him into the good shelter . " The other one , however was " HE COULD HAVE BEEN SQUISHED BEFORE ANYONE GOT TO HIM ! ! I CAN ' T BELIEVE SHE LEFT HIM IN A PARK ! ! " What is wrong with people ? I shouldn 't judge . I don 't know anything about this woman and her life and why she had to give up this dog . It certainly wasn 't because he was aggressive , because he was one of the sweetest dogs I 'd ever met . Especially for being part Chihuahua . I 've met some pretty nasty , snarly , ones in that breed . But if you are going to take on having a pet , you should know you are taking it on for at least 15 or so years . It 's not something fun to just have until you get bored with it . It upsets me the amount of animals that are in the shelters across the country . Did no one listen to Bob Barker ? ? Well , after handing over my license for them to write my information down and signing a form , we left Beethoven behind in the very capable hands of the people at the shelter . The woman I was talking to was great . She assured me that they would have no problem adopting him out , because he was little and sweet . " I know you guys name the dogs while they 're here if you don 't already know their names , I said . " Is there anyway you can name him Beethoven ? My girls have been calling him that since yesterday . " She told me if they couldn 't get in touch with the owner to find out his real name she would make a note of it . Then as she picked him up to take him in the back she said , " Yes " , I told her , " but at least now he went through the proper channels . " Not to mention it gave me something to write about . The girls were upset again when we got back in the car , so I took them to get the one thing that makes everything better , ice cream . They did feel better after that but even now , a week later , they are still talking about Beethoven . We didn 't even have him for 24 hours ! I have to admit I kinda got attached too . I do want a dog . And I know the girls do . All I have to do is convince the husband . Or just sneak Beethoven back in and pretend he 's been here the whole time . Andy doesn 't have the best memory , so it 's a possibility . As long as Mercury doesn 't try to eat him we should be all good ! Before school they wanted a picture before he left . Quick footnote : Anyone living in the L . A area looking for a great little dog , the Burbank Animal Shelter will have him up for adoption on April 15th . I would love if someone I know took him . Just promise me you will name him Beethoven . ( Or Jupiter ) I have another video for you ! I have a story about something that happened over the past 24 hours , but damn I am having a hard time these days finding time to write . Perhaps tomorrow . In the meantime . . . Sonya made this video a couple months ago . We were discussing dinner and what she was going to have with the soup I was making . You will see she insisted on both options , until she realized if the arguing with mommy didn 't stop she wouldn 't get the one thing in this world she obsesses most about . DESSERT ! ( And again - you get to hear my lovely voice become increasingly annoyed . I hope if nothing else it makes the rest of you nagging moms not feel so alone . ) I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that . |
You may remember about two years ago we made a little movie with the girls called , " The Little Turtle " . It was a crazy weekend where we had to promise treats and ponies to get the girls to do what we wanted . However , it resulted in a pretty fun little film for all to watch . Not to long after we did that one , Andy , along with help from the girls , came up with an idea for another little movie . It took him a while to really get the story down though . Plus life got in the way , and I wasn 't in the mood to be promising treats and ponies again anytime soon . The last pony took up too much space in our backyard . Not to mention the smell . Here we are two years later , and the girls are older and easier to direct , for the most part , so we were all game for trying this again . A couple weekends ago , we spent a Sunday filming this next gem you are about to see . The girls were in fact easier to manipulate without bribing as much . However , they are still kids acting and damn what a pain ! I have such respect for people who direct kids movies . You know why some of those movies are so crappy ? Because at some point the direct is like - " good enough ! She halfway smiled , lets move on ! ! " You would think that Sonya would have been the easiest since she is the oldest , but it turns out she takes someone , or maybe just Daddy , directing her a little to personally . We had to stop and give her a couple of breaks . Georgia would usually do what we wanted , but then she would decided she was over it . Her body would start doing the boneless jelly thing and slide off the couch . So off we would send her to watch Word Girl for a bit . Lana , well it turns out Lana might be our little star . The one who has the most difficult time doing what I ask of her - clean your room , unload the dishwasher - was the one who did exactly what Andy asked her to in this movie . Sure she would whine , " AGAIN ? " , when Andy said we had to do the scene one more time . However as soon as he yelled action she was in it . There were no tears , no boneless jelly body , nothing but what we asPosted by The morning of my birthday the girls gave me some presents they had made . They had worked hard on them for a couple of day before and were excited to present me with them . I swear they get just as excited for my birthday or Andy 's as they do for their own . I took a pictures of a few of my favorite things they gave me to share with you . This first one is from Georgia . It 's a garden and the family . Only she forgot to draw herself , so it 's only four people . Awww Georgia ! The picture underneath are the stickers she made for me . They have tape on the back so I can wear them . The one on the right is a Target sticker , in case you weren 't sure . This next gift was great . Lana gave me something I 've needed for a long time . It a TV show about talking cats ! Complete with remote . You know in case I get tired of the talking cats show . These next two are from Sonya . This first one is a pretty flower she drew for me . She has been drawing these type of flowers quite a bit lately . I love them . So creative . The only flowers I could / can draw are daisies . Then there is this one . Yes , my oldest daughter got me a bottle of wine for my birthday . Not only that , but a purple bottle of wine she called " Purple Pansy Wine " . Purple is my favorite color . Does she know me or what ? If you can 't read the bottom of the glass it says , " and I could never thank her more for her help and love . " I don 't know if she made that up or read it somewhere . I couldn 't ask because I was trying to hard to blink back tears . So sweet . I guess I got some pretty great gifts for my birthday . Although , nothing will ever beat the gift of those three girls . Posted by Today is my 39th birthday . 39 . T - H - I - R - T - Y N - I - N - E . Next year I will be that other number . The one up from 39 . So I will try and enjoy this last year of my 30s . The funny thing is I don 't even feel like I 'm 39 . Half the time I still think of myself as 29 . Maybe 31 , but certainly not almost - you know . I don 't know why 40 ( Aaahh ! I said it ! ) is freaking me out , but it is . I will try to get over that in the next year I suppose , because really it 's only a number right ? And , and as my Pop - pop used to say " beats the hell out of the alternative ! " He was so right about that . Or maybe not , because who knows what 's after this ? For now I want to be here though , and 40 is still youngish these days . At least if I compare myself to my parents . Anyway - in honor of my birthday I thought I 'd share a story about myself from a birthday 30 years ago . It is a story I completely forgot about until just recently . It came back to me when I took a look at Lana 's little feet a couple months ago . I realized just how tiny and NARROW they were , especially in the heel . Her foot looks like the small letter v . She has a few pair of " slip - on " type shoes , but they always seemed to be too big on her . They were constantly coming off her foot . I thought we just had the wrong size , but no , her toe was were it should be . Then it occurred to me . When I was a kid all I wanted was a pair of " slip - on " shoes . I could never have them though , because my heel was so narrow and I would constantly step out of any I tried on . I had Lana hold up her foot for me and sure enough - the letter v . Poor thing . Like she 's not tiny enough and still wearing a 5T , now she can 't wear certain shoes . That was when I remembered my 9th birthday . As I said , all I wanted for years - or maybe months because who knows how long time is at that age - was a pair of shoes with no buckles or straps . A grown up pair of shoes that I could just slip on and off my feet . Then on my 9th birthday I finally got a pair . Now I can 't recall why I was able to get this pair . I don 't know if my feet grew or if my mom just found some that actually fit me . Either way , I was ecstatic when I opened my present that morning and of course I was going to wear them to school . At the time , I went to a private Catholic school , so we had to wear uniforms . The only thing you were allowed to wear that was your own were your shoes , and I couldn 't wait to show off my new ones . I walked onto the bus and showed all my friends . I got to school and paraded around the classroom for all to see . They were my new shoes and they were awesome ! AND - bonus - they didn 't come off my feet ! I couldn 't be happier and I was definitely obsessed with them . I was the kind of kid who always listened and did what she was told . Especially at school . My girls are the same way . As much of a pain in the ass as they can be at home , at school they are angels . I never caused problems and NEVER got in trouble with the teacher . I always paid attention and got good grades . I guess I was a nerd or maybe a goodie two shoes . Every day the teacher would read to us from a chapter book and we would all sit on the rug to listen . I loved to listen to her read us stories and never had a problem paying attention . Usually . That day , however , I had a distraction - my new shoes . As I sat on the rug , my legs tucked to my side , I admired my new grown up shoes . They looked so great ! And look how the slipped on my heel , off my heel , on my heel , off my heel . I guess I hadn 't realized I was playing with my shoe and completely ignoring the teacher until she called me on it . A couple of the kids around me giggled , I slowly nodded my head and turned about ten different shades of red . I had gotten IN TROUBLE ! ME ! IN TROUBLE ! And on my birthday no less ! Because of my most beloved present ! I was horrified . It was the first time I had ever gotten in trouble at school and looking back it really wasn 't even that big a deal . Although at the time , I remember how mortified I was . I honestly can 't remember if I wore those shoes to school again . I 'm sure I did , though because they were so cool . They slipped on ! And off ! It 's funny how memories like that will just come back to you like a slap in the face . I had totally forgotten about that until I started looking at Lana 's foot and realizing how narrow it is , just like mine was . Thirty years ago . I think more than anything , I can 't believe it 's been THIRTY YEARS since I was 9 . I swear it was only about 10 years ago I was that age . But here I am . The good news is , I can totally wear a pair of slip on shoes now and there is nobody who will yell at me for playing with them . So I guess getting older isn 't all bad . Can you all remind me of that when I start to have a panic attack next year at this time ? Posted by There are many times while raising kids when you hear your own words come back out through them . Sometimes it is good and sometimes not so much . Like when Sonya was almost two years old and yelled the word " Crap " at me once . I realized in that moment that what I thought was my innocent word I used to replace my bad words , did not sound so innocent coming from a two year old . The other day Georgia and I were in the car on the way to pick Lana up from Kindergarten . There was a woman in the middle of the street trying to cross to the other side . This was nowhere near the crosswalk , but in the middle of very busy N . Hollywood in Burbank . I noticed her , and thought to myself that it wasn 't the best thing for her to be doing , but didn 't say anything . I didn 't need to because from the back seat I heard Georgia say , I kinda giggled to myself . This is something I 'm sure I have said in a similar situation at some point . In fact I could hear myself along with her saying the same thing in that moment . Then she felt the need to point it out to me . " Mommy , dat wady is in da middle of da stweet ! Dat is NOT smawt ! " " You 're right Georgia , " I told her . " That isn 't smart , but you are a smart girl for knowing that . " Then she said , " Damn , right ! " What ? I guess that word isn 't as innocent as I once thought either . But hey ! At least she 's repeating some good things ! Last Tuesday evening as I was leaving with the little girls from ballet class , I saw this guy standing in the middle of the parking lot . I immediately stopped my car got out and looked around to see if someone was going to come running after him . I assumed he had just gotten away . There was nobody around , except a man playing with his son in the park about 50 yards away . I got his attention and asked if it was his dog , but he shook his head no . Now I didn 't know what to do . Lana and Georgia were in the van flipping out . " Mommy ! Who does he belong to ? What are you doing with him ? ? Don 't just leave him there ! ! " This was mostly Lana . Anytime a neighborhood dog gets loose for some reason , Lana always spots it and yells for me . Then I have to got outside and wrangle it back to whose backyard it escaped from . If I try to ignore that a dog is running around in our front yard , Lana just about loses her mind . " Mommy ! The doggie will get squished by a car ! ! You have to put it back ! " This happens more often than I can tell you with multiple dogs on my block . My neighbors really need to look into getting better locks on their back gates . So there I was looking at this little doggie trying to figure out what to do . I briefly thought about leaving him there , but I just couldn 't . He would get squished by a car he was so little . I approached him with my hand in a fist for him to smell me . He was scared , but didn 't growl or back away , so I just picked him up . He was completely fine with me doing that and he was so light . I could tell he was a sweet dog even though he was mostly a Chihuahua , a type of dog I am not usually a fan of . He looked like he might be mixed with something else though . Miniature Pinscher perhaps ? Either way , he was a good dog , and he appeared to be well taken care of . So he had to belong to someone . I put him in the van , much to the delight of the girls , and left . Then I tried to figure out what the hell to do with him . I had to pick Sonya up from Girl Scouts , run home feed everyone dinner , and get out the door to have Sonya at her baseball game in just over an hour . There was no way I had time to deal with a stray dog , yet there I was . I texted my friend , Cecelia , who volunteers at the Burbank Animal Shelter on the weekends . I was thinking , maybe he was chipped and the owner was out looking for him . If I could find out , then I could have this little guy home before bedtime . No such luck . The shelter was already closed for the day . We were going to have to keep him for the night . That was going to be fun with the cat , and Andy , who is not really a dog person , and my girls who were already pleading , I was thinking the same thing though , because he was so sweet . We got home and Mercury took one look at him and decided to hate him . He stalked him for a while and when he realized he was actually bigger than the dog , decided to start chasing him around the kitchen and the living room . The dog would turn to bark at him from time to time . It was quite a scene . So I sent the girls outside with the little doggie , who they had decided to name Beethoven . I 'm sure most of you are thinking right now that they named him that after the movie about Beethoven the dog , but no . They 've never even seen it . They named him that because my father - in - law mistakenly ( and I 'm pretty sure jokingly ) calls Mercury that . So they decided Beethoven would be a perfect name for our dog . ( Their second choice was Jupiter which I personally liked . ) Yes , they thought he was staying despite me telling them many times that he probably had a family that was looking for him , and we needed to find out so he could go home . They didn 't care what name someone else had given him , he was now Beethoven . As they were outside playing with him and carrying him around the yard - because he let anyone pick him up and carry him - I called Andy to tell him the situation . He sounded a bit annoyed but I reiterated " What could I do ? ? ! I couldn 't just leave him there ! " . He understood , as long as he went to the shelter in the morning . FINE , WHATEVER ! I did want to find his home though , so it was the best option . Since he and Mercury had not become fast friends , I took him with us to Sonya 's baseball game where every person there ooohed and aaahed over him and how cute he was . I told the parents the story and let them know if they heard of a missing dog to contact me . I put it on Facebook - the King of all happenings on the internet . By the time we got home from the baseball game I still had Beethoven in tow . Mercury continued to stalk him so I decided to put him in Sonya 's room for the first part of the night . Then he slept in our room at the foot of the bed , on AndI waited for a call , and waited . After a couple hours I called back the company that does the chipping and talked to them about little Beethoven again . The woman put me hold to call the owner . I was hopeful in that two minutes of phone silence , but those hopes were dashed when she came back on the line to tell me the owner said she gave that dog away to someone else a while ago . I called bullshit . Well in my head I did . Then she asked if I wanted the ( ex ) owner 's number to call and talk to her about it . To say what ? Why the hell would you give such a sweet dog away and did you really give him away or did you leave him in the park you heartless bastard ? No , the only thing to do was head to the shelter and drop him off . Unfortunately , I had no time to do that before I picked up the two little girls from school . When they saw Beethoven was still with us , they were understandably excited . The " is he staying ? " questions started . They weren 't thrilled when I told them that he was going to the shelter after we had our lunch . I had to make sure to do it before Sonya got home . I didn 't need three crying girls on my hands . After lunch , we drove the five minutes to the Burbank Animal Shelter while Lana and Georgia cried in the backseat about wanting to keep Beethoven . I felt bad . I wanted to keep him too , but I knew Andy wasn 't interested and I know how much work and expense taking care of a dog can be . I wasn 't prepared to try and take that on at the moment . Not to mention Mercury still wanted to eat him when we left . We walked into the shelter and I started telling the women behind the counter my story about finding Beethoven and how sweet he was . Then one of the women turned and looked at him and said , " Oh , I know that dog ! There was a woman in here yesterday trying to give him up , but she was from Toluca Lake and we told her we couldn 't take him . " Then she shook her head in disgust as she realized what the woman had done . " I swear I found him in the park , " I began . Then I realized also what had happened . See - the Burbank Animal Shelter is technically a no - kill shelter in that they won 't kill an animal just because it 's been there a month and they have no room . Eventually , if an animal has been there for over a year or two , they tend to get stir crazy and go a little nutty being cooped up in a cage for most of the day . So if they get to that point and are deemed unadoptable , then they will have to put them down . However , they get a LONG chance before that happens . Most of the other shelters just don 't have the room and will put a dog down after a month or so . Because of this Burbank Animal Shelter will only accept animals from Burbank residents only . Or if someone just leaves a box of kittens in front of their door as someone did with Mercury and his sisters and brothers . Since the woman who tried to give up Beethoven , did not have a Burbank address , they wouldn 't take him . So her solution was to drop him off in a Burbank park , where some sucker would pick him up and either keep him , or take him to the shelter . Hi . I 'm the sucker . Now there were two thoughts here , the first one being " well at least she tried to get him into the good shelter . " The other one , however was " HE COULD HAVE BEEN SQUISHED BEFORE ANYONE GOT TO HIM ! ! I CAN ' T BELIEVE SHE LEFT HIM IN A PARK ! ! " What is wrong with people ? I shouldn 't judge . I don 't know anything about this woman and her life and why she had to give up this dog . It certainly wasn 't because he was aggressive , because he was one of the sweetest dogs I 'd ever met . Especially for being part Chihuahua . I 've met some pretty nasty , snarly , ones in that breed . But if you are going to take on having a pet , you should know you are taking it on for at least 15 or so years . It 's not something fun to just have until you get bored with it . It upsets me the amount of animals that are in the shelters across the country . Did no one listen to Bob Barker ? ? Well , after handing over my license for them to write my information down and signing a form , we left Beethoven behind in the very capable hands of the people at the shelter . The woman I was talking to was great . She assured me that they would have no problem adopting him out , because he was little and sweet . " I know you guys name the dogs while they 're here if you don 't already know their names , I said . " Is there anyway you can name him Beethoven ? My girls have been calling him that since yesterday . " She told me if they couldn 't get in touch with the owner to find out his real name she would make a note of it . Then as she picked him up to take him in the back she said , " Yes " , I told her , " but at least now he went through the proper channels . " Not to mention it gave me something to write about . The girls were upset again when we got back in the car , so I took them to get the one thing that makes everything better , ice cream . They did feel better after that but even now , a week later , they are still talking about Beethoven . We didn 't even have him for 24 hours ! I have to admit I kinda got attached too . I do want a dog . And I know the girls do . All I have to do is convince the husband . Or just sneak Beethoven back in and pretend he 's been here the whole time . Andy doesn 't have the best memory , so it 's a possibility . As long as Mercury doesn 't try to eat him we should be all good ! Before school they wanted a picture before he left . Quick footnote : Anyone living in the L . A area looking for a great little dog , the Burbank Animal Shelter will have him up for adoption on April 15th . I would love if someone I know took him . Just promise me you will name him Beethoven . ( Or Jupiter ) I have another video for you ! I have a story about something that happened over the past 24 hours , but damn I am having a hard time these days finding time to write . Perhaps tomorrow . In the meantime . . . Sonya made this video a couple months ago . We were discussing dinner and what she was going to have with the soup I was making . You will see she insisted on both options , until she realized if the arguing with mommy didn 't stop she wouldn 't get the one thing in this world she obsesses most about . DESSERT ! ( And again - you get to hear my lovely voice become increasingly annoyed . I hope if nothing else it makes the rest of you nagging moms not feel so alone . ) I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that . |
She sat by the corner table , watching the waiters serve the other patrons . It was a busy Cafe , very new but well hidden . This being happy hour many people walked in from work to have a few drinks and unwind before heading home . She looked at her wrist watch . 5 : 30 . She had two hours to go before her family would call to find out where she was . She had already decided on rice and beef for supper , and she knew Mary , her maid , had already prepped for her . Across her seat was a fairly young couple who were giggling and holding hands as if there was no one else in that room apart from them . That used to be her , seven years ago . Before the responsibilities , before the expectations , before the kids . She thought of her husband now . He was still handsome , still a kind soul and a wonderful dad , but things had changed between them . They were no longer the couple seated across her . Time to be that couple was no longer available . The little free time they had was spent talking about their investments , what their mothers wanted , what their children needed , planning family functions and prayers . The rest of the time was spent with the kids , entertaining and each of their respective hobbies . They both saw it happening though , the drift . They tried for a month or two , but date nights were expensive . She didn 't know his dreams or his wants any more . And what he saw in her was a home maker . He forgot she loved going out too , that she loved picnics and road trips . She was sealed in a box that she could not get out of so she stopped fighting him . In his presence she was a home maker , with her friends she could be who she wanted to be . With that kind of dynamic going on it was a welcome surprise when Anthony called . He had liked a photo of her on Facebook and he said she was radiating with happiness and looked beautiful . After being married for so long , being seen as beautiful was a huge deal . They started talking . He was happily married too but had just started undergoing the change that leads to her current stage in marriage . He was sad that he was only seen as a provider , that only his little girl was the only one who asked how his day was . His wife saw him and saw a chore helper who was too lazy or tired to help out . They both had a change identity issue . They felt close . They kept reminiscing about their college days , how young and in love they were . They felt alive then , the only responsibility they had was grades and happiness . For old time 's sake they agreed to meet today for drinks . To catch up , laugh and create an imaginary little world for an hour or two before going back to their real lives . It would make both of them happy . And if they were happy , their families would also be happy . The it hit her . She was looking for her husband in him . She was looking for the man who she used to laugh with , the man who once pulled her chair and whistled as she walked by . She was looking to be in love again and not merely love . In her heart she realized this was wrong . She should get up , go home , talk to her husband and sort things out . After all , this date or meeting or whatever you want to call it , would lead to more pain than happiness . Three years . Three years he had waited for this moment , this exact time and opportunity to exact his revenge . And now , all he could think as he watched him fall to the ground , crying out in pain , was how weak he looked . Five years ago , he was seventeen years old . At seventeen , the United States had declared war on his country , meaning life for him had changed . Classes were two times a week , when the military had no patrols ; it was after all , a nation under siege , and anyone who did not have a foreign accent was a suspect . He remembered the day when the troops came to their town on a mission . Someone had tipped them that terrorist lived among them , hidden by the people . Their homes were vandalized , men beaten up , women raped , other killed … and this was all a matter of ' national security ' . No media houses reported this , it was not relevant to the american people . He was lucky to have lived . His mother hid him under the bed , and made him promise he would not come out . His father was shot , trying to stop the guards from beating up his brother . His mother was raped , as he watched , and shot on the head , on her bedroom floor . They took the money from the safe , and beer from the fridge . They were laughing , taking tolls on how many ' insurgents ' they had killed . Insurgents . The word did not sound human . It detached his people from their people , so that when their news reported how many insurgents they had killed , their people would not cry foul . But it was a painful time for him , something he would never forget . And that was why he did it . That was why he had fled from home to the capital . He had good grades and connection . He got a scholarship to study in the US , and during that time , he did not forget that man 's face . He looked for him , and for the past three years , had been studying him , patiently , waiting for the day he would avenge his family 's death . He could see the look in his eye , he was wondering why he got shot . He could not recognize him , they had , after all , never met . And he , he felt no reason to explain to him . He did not deserve it . He heard a woman from the crowd shout at him in anger . " You terrorist ! You 'll never win you know , you are just a few , but we are many ! We 'll beat you in the end ! " Religious groups would rise up to defend him , others would condemn him . People would call him bad , a murderer . But no one would ever know , nor understand the pain he had gone through . No one would understand who he was , and neither did he care . The sitting room was exactly as he had left it . A huge cupboard to his left , hiding the utensils mother had bought from her chama , with the TV , of course , covered with a clothing covering it . He sighed . He had spent most of his childhood seated in front of that screen , watching Sonic and Rainbow stars ; those were his favorite cartoons . In front of him was a table , with breakfast . A huge thermos , full of tea , Blue Band margarine and bread . It looked dim in the room , the windows had heavy curtains and blinds that made the room somewhat stuffy . He sipped on to his tea greedily , ignoring how hot it was , it had been two days since his last meal . The maid sat on the dinning table , feeding the child . She was ten years now , he last saw her when she was four . He could tell she was nervous to see him , she was curious who he was and what he was doing in their home so early . He tried to smile and ease her , but it made it worse . She heard the girl asking the maid , asking who he was . And she , ordered the girl to quit being so nosy , to finish her breakfast quick if she wanted to go out and play . Soon the neighbors started flowing in . Borrowing sugar , a religious book they had borrowed or they were just in the neighborhood . But he knew , they all knew that they wanted to see him . His mother , who was from taking a bath , accommodated the first five , but after that , chased them all away . This was no market , she said . There was nothing to see , and if they expected a show , she would give them one , she barked . She went on about privacy and God knows what , when all the while he sat there , listening . He had missed her . Three years had passed since her last visit . Maybe she thought he had died , or maybe he had forgotten her . Maybe , maybe she did not love him any more … She looked at her son . He had grown thin , weak . He was no longer the vibrant boy she knew . But yet , when he smiled at her , the gleam his eyes was the same , reminding her that a piece of him still existed , somewhere , in there … She poured him another mug of tea and poured herself one . She then passed the bread towards his direction and beckoned him to eat . She assured him that he was safe , and that he could eat all he wanted . She watched him as he ate . Her boy . She remembered how stubborn he was as a child , choosing his own path and preferring his own company to his siblings . He always had a vivid imagination , that grew wilder each passing day . Whenever they would go to the country side and sit by the fire at night , he would be the one entertaining everyone with his stories . They would become so vivid , so real and ghastly , his father had to make him stop . When Richard passed on , her little boy became deluded . He would awake in the middle of the night , sweating , screaming . Screaming that his father wanted to take him to the other side and he did not want to go . Then grandma came to visit , and an owl perched itself outside his window . Grandma said the boy was a bad omen , that the spirits wanted him . She had a ritual performed to cleanse him , but the owl came each night . After a fortnight she left , and vowed never to visit so long as the boy lived there . She remembered how she tried to save her little boy . She took him to the preacher , to cast out demons , but he stood there , confused . She tried therapy but nothing worked . His siblings no longer wanted to play with him , he got kicked out of school and was leading a lonely life . Then the Missionary came . She suggested that the boy go to Mathare . It was a hospital , for the mentally ill . There was a doctor there who could help her boy . And so , in each bid to help her son , she packed a few belongings and told him they were going on a short trip into the city . He was happy to leave , to see a new world . When they got to the hospital , sister Ann ( as they called the nurses ) was very warm and welcoming . All the patients looked happy , clean and healthy . And the doctor , he said her boy was undergoing trauma , he had after all , lost his father . He needed to stay with them for a few months . And since the fee was reasonable , and her boy would be healed , she saw no reason to refuse . So she felt her son in the city , in the hands of strangers and hoped for a miracle . She visited him each month and he cried . Cried to go home with her , begged to leave . And each time she would say , " Not yet baby , the doctors are here to fix you . " Two years passed and she quit visiting . He was not getting better , they said . He stuck to his own company , talking to himself , talking to his father . He said he saw things , they called it paranoia . She did not know who to believe , so she ignored them both . She forgot about her baby . The news said that forty of them had escaped , that seventy of them attacked the guards and only forty escaped . And her boy was one of them . There was a search for them , and they knew , they knew he would come home . They had called her in advance to warn her . " Oh , " she said somewhat confused by the calmness in his voice . " And … do you still see them , son ? Do you still see your father ? " She picked the remote and turned on the television . He sat there , dazed for an hour . He did not even notice her leave the room . For once , he felt young again . Normal . Like he was when a child . He did not want to leave home , ever again . There was a knock on the door , a knock his mother rushed to , too fast . He knew something was wrong . Then he saw them . He saw Sister Ann and the ward attendants . They had come for him , and nobody would help him . As they pushed him to the car , he called out for his mother , he wanted her to save him . But she stood there , looking at him , holding herself . Then he heard her say it , say the words that drove him mad ; " Not yet baby , not until the doctors fix you . " Fear . A feeling aroused by impending danger , pain or distress . Fear reeks straight into the core , causing the heart beat faster , the mind , inevitably going numb , and distress … oh what a feeling , what a rush ! She felt terrible . Here she was , worrying about things that may never happen , drifting far in thought , instead of being here , where she was needed . Being here where her best friend needed her . Amy sighed . Now that he was dead , people felt no need to protect him any more , and the truth was finally out . The truth that hurt , and caused so much fear … He had been a family man . Always there for his family , putting them first . He loved his wife , and their four daughters . And now , it came to be that he had another family . Another woman , who had a twenty six year old son . Now this woman , who nobody knew , had surfaced , with a list of demands . Demanding to be involved in the funeral arrangements , demanding a seat with the family at the funeral , demanding to be recognized , heard and accepted . For she too was his woman , and had been for thirty years or so . She said that Julie 's anger and rebuke in public was a sham , that she knew about her all along . A woman , after all , always knows when her man has another woman . And for those years , she had decided to live in denial , but she knew . And now , everyone would know . They would all know that she too had lost her love . But Julie , amidst the tears , had denied knowing this woman . She admitted that , like most marriages , they had faced hard times , times where they hated each other , but they always solved things and came back to each other . Till death , they had said , and she had kept each vow , and all this while , she thought he had too . So when the letter came in , accompanied by a photo of the boy , she was crushed . He looked so much like her husband , they could not dispute that . Julie was confused . She called her best friend , her husband 's best friend , his wife and her lawyer . She did not know what to do , nor what to say . Tom , his best friend , swore that he had never said anything about this woman . He was a cornered man and nobody believed him . He was still protecting his friend , his dead friend . The lawyer however admitted to knowing her . Not directly though . He had made made various payments to her , had commissioned her house , her house that Julie 's husband had built . He assured Julie that the woman did not want any money from her . She had written to the lawyer as well , saying that he had created a trust for her earlier and needed nothing from them . All she requested was the right to mourn him like everyone else . And if she were denied that right , she would stop the funeral . Julie was drained , and was yet to tell her daughters . She did not want them to know . The last thing she wanted to do is taint her husband 's image to their children . Especially now that they had no chance to confront him . Had it been her in this situation , she would have shut off completely . But Julie , went ahead with the meetings , never spoke ill of her husband who had betrayed her . She still loved him . She always would . So when he walked into the house and towards her , she embraced him , tightly . Never wanting to let go . For as long as she held on to him , she would never know . She sat next to one of the large windows in the cafe looking out , watching people as they went about their routine life . She always played a character game , where she guessed one 's personality in accordance to their appearance . During the weekends it got a bit more tricky as people got more comfortable in their attire , making it difficult to assess who they were . But she liked the challenge more , it gave her something to think about . Her waiter walked briskly towards her with a tray in one hand and a napkin on the other . He was swift , precise and good at what he did . It was a passion , and he enjoyed it . She smiled at him and thanked him as he placed her iced tea before her . Her meal would be brought in after a short while . She felt good . It was headed to three o ' clock and her day was almost over . It was a relaxed day , she had gone to the spa , had her nails done , her hair done then she went shopping . She looked at the numerous bags on the chair beside hers and she smiled . She was living the life , she thought , an iron lady in her own accord . She thought of him and smiled . Today marked five years together . There was something there , she knew it . He had been so kind and loving with her throughout the years , and she , well , she had been patient . And for her patience she got to go the spa and shop from time to time . She was interrupted from thought by a tall charismatic man who stood before her . He mumbled something about it being wrong for a beautiful woman such as herself having a meal alone … she sighed . He was handsome no doubt , but she was committed and did not want to start anything with anyone . She was in love . She looked at her phone again and sighed . Nothing , not a word . She had made sure he knew that today was their anniversary , not that she expected dinner or to spend the day with him , things like those never happened to girls like her . You see , her man belonged to someone else . He had been married for seven years and had two children with his wife . She knew they lived together , she had even met the children from time to time . But she knew their marriage was fading . He said so , their mutual friends said so . So she had no reason to feel guilt . If it weren 't for the kids he would have left her already … Looking out the window she saw a couple holding hands and smiling at each other . They looked happy , complete even . Looking closer , she realized she knew them . It was her man with his wife . He looked up and their eyes met . She felt betrayed , he looked afraid . Suddenly he whispered something to his wife and they walked in the other direction , totally avoiding her . She smiled , filled with anger and hurt . He would never love her wholly , she thought . She would always be second best , second best to a woman who did not care for him as she did . She passed her hand through her purse to see if she had her wipes and hand wash , she had msyophobia and hospitals did little to comfort her . The smell of disinfectant filled the air , mixed with faint smells of urine , vomit and blood . The scent made her skin curl , but she had to be here , she needed to be here . On her left was a couple walking home . It was evident that the lady had been discharged , they had a basin and a bag obviously full of her belongings . She looked sad , dazed , in her own world . Lizzy wondered what the woman had been through , she seemed crushed . As if on cue , the lady broke down to tears as the thoughts escaped Lizzy . She stopped walking and sat down all together . She was unable to hide the tears and her pain could be heard in her sobs , as if beckoning everyone to join her mood . The man quickly but gently moved to her side , squatting to hold her close . He was comforting her , and Lizzy could see , from the way the man moved his mouth , he was consoling a miscarriage , telling his wife , as she assumed , that all would be well , that they would get another baby soon and the pain would go away … Her dear uncle had been ailing from something for a long while . She called it something as a joke , as most doctors were unable to diagnose what it was . The District hospital had been their last resort , and for the past four days , he had shown improvement . He was able to sit down now , feed himself , and even laugh again . She was grateful for each step he made towards recovery . You see , Lizzy 's father passed away when she was six years old . He was a wealthy man and her mother , a spoilt woman who had never worked her entire life . She had been born in the era where women attained an education to attain the right man , not the right job or life by herself . So when the relatives tried to take the family wealth from her , she was hopeless and defenseless . Uncle Phil was the only one who defended them . He hired the lawyer and fed them when all accounts were frozen during the cases . He beat up his older brother who wanted to marry his dead brother 's wife in the name of culture . He educated her , put her in line when she wanted to quit school . He had become their father and protector out of love and kindness . And now , now Uncle Phil needed her . She had grown up independent and liberal , thanks to him . Because of him , she was a successful lawyer and business woman who now took care of her family . If it was not for him , she would have never worked so hard . So she owed him , she would be there for him , with him and beside him till he got better . The Private wing always smelt better , their food was good and less crowded . Opening the door , she found her aunt sleeping on the chair beside her husband . She sighed , aunty needed to rest on a proper bed . This was her second night her . Today she had to go home , shower , eat home cooked food , sleep for a few hours then get back . The next two hours flew by fast . They debated about politics , talked about the farm and what various relatives were up to . He seemed happy and rested , she was relieved . " There is nothing to worry about child . The Lord gives and the Lord takes , all we should do is appreciate the time he gives us . Now , " he said clearing his throat , " fetch me a glass of water , something nasty irritates my throat . " She stood up and moved to the small table right in front of the bed . Her Uncle was special , she thought , he expected us all to have a brave face all this while . But he was right , though , she was grateful for this trying process , it reminded her how important he was despite all these years . |
I own none of the fandoms for which I am making fics of . They belong to those who created and published them . I am just playing with them . Title : The Defiant Ones Author : rivermoon1970 Fandom : Criminal Minds Artist : blythechild , the art above is an original work and is owned and copyrighted to blythechild . Do not download or share said work . For the rest of the art for this story please click on the name and it will re - direct you to the page . Aaron hated waking up . In his dreams , Spencer was there with him and everything was happy . He could believe for a short time that nothing bad had happened . He 'd never kicked Spencer out of his life , and Gideon had never gotten his hands on his Guide . He 'd never hurt the one person in his life that he was supposed to protect above anyone else , other than Jack . Waking up meant facing a reality where Spencer was gone . Sure there was a body in the house , and that body looked like Spencer , but no one was home . The body didn 't do anything that remotely resembled Spencer . It hurt more to see the shell of Spencer walking around than it did to be separated from him over the six months he 'd been living with the Director . It was his penance . Aaron clutched the thin frame in front of him and pulled him closer . Spencer shifted and burrowed closer . It was the same every morning after he got home from a case , Spencer would end up in bed with him . Nothing sexual happened , Aaron hadn 't been able to get hard for many months before this had happened . The doctors called it muscle memory . Spencer 's body craved touch , what little Guide gifts were left needed the touch of his Sentinel and this was the best time . While Aaron was asleep , he was affectionate . He would hold Spencer close and share body heat . The cold feeling in the bond never went away . It was still there and it had him cold all the time . Jack wasn 't feeling as bad anymore , but Aaron was pretty sure that Spencer was feeling it . The sweats and long sleeve t - shirt that he dressed in to sleep with a heavy blanket was a clue . It had been four months since that horrific day at Gideon 's cabin , and still they were no closer to snapping Spencer out of the state he was in . Four months of hell in Aaron 's eyes . The first month , he 'd been in therapy . The whole team had been . Aaron had talked till he was blue in the face . Finding out that someone they counted as a friend had been the one to harm Spencer . A separate team was looking into Gideon 's life from birth to death to try and figure out where he snapped and how he had hidden it for so long . After Spencer was released from the hospital a huge debate had been had between four Sentinels where Spencer was going to go . Aaron had wanted to take him home , hoping that being around him and Jack would help snap him out . Morgan and Prentiss wanted Spencer as far away from him as possible and the Director wanted him safe . In the end , Spencer had gone to Prentiss 's on a trial basis . That had stuck for a week . Then one morning , Aaron woke up with Spencer in his bed . For a few minutes , until he was able to get the Guide awake , he thought that Spencer had come back , but one look at finally open eyes and he knew the truth . The horror set in minutes later . He dialed Prentiss and asked her when she dropped off Spencer . The rushed run through Prentiss 's apartment had sounded over the phone . Spencer travelled the distance between the two places on his own , in the middle of the night . He 'd left the other Sentinel 's place and reset the alarm , crossed the city , and slipped into Aaron 's not setting off his security or waking him or Jack . After Spencer had done it three more times , once more ending up in Aaron 's bed and the rest on the couch , it was decided that Spencer would stay with Aaron . All of Spencer 's things were moved into the guest room right next to Aaron 's , the one he had stayed in before they bonded . Life settled after that . Jessica stayed over on the nights that Aaron was out of town , as Spencer wouldn 't settle with anyone else sleeping in the house unless it was Will or Garcia , who filled in when needed . During the day a nurse stayed with him . The Director had insisted on it . The nurse was a kind matronly woman named Denise , she was an online Guide that had never found her Sentinel . The first time that she had touched Spencer 's skin , everyone around them had waited with baited breath , but there had been no reaction . Spencer shifting in front of him pulled Aaron from his thoughts . The Guide was rolling to his back , which meant that he was awake . Aaron kept his arm across his chest . He 'd learned that Spencer would let him know when he didn 't want to be touched anymore . The doorbell ringing scared the both of them . Spencer actually jumped . The sound of Jack moving to the door made him realize that he 'd probably slept too late as it was rare for Jack to be up before him . Jack wouldn 't open the door but he would see who it was . " DAD ! " Jack yelled but he wasn 't scared , and that was the only thing that stopped Aaron from jumping from the bed . Spencer though sat up and his eyes went right to where the door was down a floor . That intrigued Aaron . " It 's grandma . " " Grandma ? " Aaron asked himself . His own mother was dead , and there was no way that Haley 's mother was on his front porch . Spencer got up from the bed and started to move towards the exit of the room when it hit him . It was Spencer 's mother . It was Spencer 's MOTHER ! " Spencer , get dressed before you go downstairs . " The answer was a nod and the Guide moved to his room . Aaron quickly changed out of his sweats and a t - shirt into jeans and a polo . " Let her in , Jack but don 't touch her . Treat her like you treated Spencer that first day , please ! " Aaron called out , knowing that Jack would hear him . The door opened . " Hello , Professor Reid , " Jack said and then two sets of footprints sounded on the floor in the entryway . Neither set were Jack . There was a nurse or a doctor with Diana . Aaron moved to wait outside Spencer 's room for him . " Daddy told you about me ? " Jack asked , shocked . Aaron was shocked as well , as far as he knew Spencer hadn 't told her a thing about either of them . " Why yes , it was a lot later than what I would have wanted but then I don 't do well around Sentinels . Spencer told me all about you the last time he visited me . We had even set up a visit for your dad and daddy to come visit . If that visit had gone well , you would have come to the next one . " That statement was like a knife to the heart all over again . There was nothing to be done , so Aaron shoved all the feelings down . He braced himself and moved past the bedroom . Spencer joined him as he crossed the Guide 's bedroom . " Agent Hotchner , my name is Diana Reed , " Diana said from where she was sitting in one of the chairs in the living room . Her eyes looked at Spencer who was standing just behind him but she looked right back at Aaron . " I 've been medicated pretty heavily , don 't worry . My Guide gifts are suppressed at the moment . This is Doctor Norman . " " Professor Reid , Doctor Norman . " Aaron wasn 't sure what to do . He just stood there . Jack feeling the tenseness of the room asked to be let go to play and Aaron let him . This wasn 't a social visit . " Myra Cooper visited me at Bennington about a month ago . I know that Miss Garcia called and explained a few things that had happened but she didn 't tell me the whole truth and I can understand why but Myra , she told me the entire truth as she and her husband know it . The only good thing that has come out of this whole thing is that the Consortium was able to track that man and find a few others like him . " Diana shifted in her seat and stared Aaron down . When he couldn 't take it anymore , he looked away , sitting on the couch as he did . Her gifts might have been suppressed at the moment but there was no way to deny that she had been powerful before she 'd been shattered . " As it should be but that 's not why I am here , Agent Hotchner . I am not here to make you feel bad . I have two reasons . The first is to let you know that while my former husband has not seen his son in two decades , he 's going to try and go through the courts to get custody of Spencer . " Diana finally looked at her son . There was such heartache in her eyes when she did . Spencer looked at her and smiled . He moved over to sit at her feet , head curled against her leg . Aaron had seen pictures of her and him like that in albums that he 'd found in Spencer 's things when moving him back into the house . " It 's part of why Doctor Norman is here . Given that William still lives in Nevada and Doctor Norman is the leading expert on Guides , he came to evaluate Spencer before William even gets far enough . Now I don 't know how much Spencer ever told you about him . " " Good . He won 't win but I know that Spencer is fragile right now . The stress of having to go into a courtroom and be paraded in front of all those people . I love my son fiercely and I won 't let them harm him . " " No . Right now I just want to watch . How he interacts throughout the day . I was also made aware that … " Norman pulled a small notebook from his jacket pocket . " Spencer has a room here but on the nights you come home from cases , he ends up in your bed . " " I don 't do anything ! " Aaron tried his hardest not jump up and get as far away from Spencer as possible . The young man was still just sitting down at his mother 's feet . Aaron 's loud words made him jerk in surprise , but there was no reaction other than that . " No , I know . I was told he walked several miles to get to you when he missed you . Whatever happened between him and you before the other Sentinel got a hold of him , that can be dealt with when he gets out of this state . Right now this is what he wants . " " The second reason I came with Doctor Norman is that I wanted to meet you and your son . What you don 't understand of what happened to my son , Agent Hotchner , is that he retreated into his mind to save it yes but also to save the bond with you and your son . He 'll come out when he 's ready and we need to make sure that you are here for him . " Aaron was woken up to the sound of his ringtone going off . It took him a few seconds to figure out what it was . It was the ringtone for Spencer 's phone number . He grabbed the phone , his heart in his throat . " Jack , what 's wrong ? " The heart that had been in his throat was now in his gut . What was wrong and why was his son using Spencer 's phone ? " The cops came and took Spencer away . Something about a court order , I don 't know but Denise is on the phone with the Director right now . I grabbed Spencer 's phone from his room and I called you . Dad , come home . He was crying when they took him away . " " I 'll be there as soon as I can . " Aaron hung up and turned to pound on the wall beside the bed . It was the room that Morgan and Rossi were sharing . The thud of feet told him that someone was up . Aaron dressed and had the door open by the time that Morgan and Dave opened their door . Prentiss stepped out on the other side as well . " Cops came with a court order and took Spencer from home . Jack says he was crying . Other than jumping at loud noises , he 's not shown emotion . This could make him go farther into his shell . I need to get there now . " It was an hour before the jet was ready and a three hour flight , but Strauss had another team enroute and ordered Aaron 's team back home . Garcia had already brought Jack and Jessica into Quantico and they were waiting on the tarmac when Aaron descended the plane . Strauss and the Director were waiting there as well . " Yes but in the resulting argument between sides , Spencer slipped away from them . The cameras caught him leaving the station but that 's where he was lost . I have Sentinels and Guides from the bureau looking for him and I 've pulled rank in the area . Right now I am the top dog and I made sure every single cop from Summerlin knows it . I want your team on the streets . Miss Garcia is waiting at the SUVs to help direct you guys into what 's been done to find him . " " I 'm going to be very upset with everyone if he 's hurt . " Aaron looked at the face of the Director and Strauss . Spencer was wandering the city , alone . " Garcia , I know that we just got Jack and Jessica to Quantico but I don 't want strangers at the house . I would like the three of you to wait there . My office is set up and you should be able to use it for what you need . " The overnight search turned up nothing . Spencer was nowhere . Aaron didn 't like it . Spencer wasn 't at a place mentally where he could hide like this . A chilly morning breeze whipped up and Aaron shivered . He was standing in his backyard . Then it hit him . The breeze had felt cold . He hadn 't felt cold breezes in a while . Closing his eyes , Aaron reached into himself . The coldness was gone . He could feel Spencer as much as he 'd been able to before he 'd gone into the state he was in but there was something else there . Fear . The fear was so overwhelming . Jack looked at him with a funny face for a few seconds but then closed his eyes . After nearly a minute , Jack 's eyes opened and Aaron could tell that he felt the same thing . Spencer was awake . " He 's awake . That cold feeling is gone . He 's still hiding and I don 't know why but he 's awake . He 's actively hiding from us . " Aaron turned to Garcia . " Find out everything about the cops that came from Summerlin . There has to be something there . Morgan , alert the Director and then I want you out there . Prentiss , stay with Jack and Garcia . I 'm heading out , Jack . " Aaron knelt to look his son in the eye . " I 'll bring him home . I promise . I need you to stay here in case he comes home . " Aaron kissed the top of his head and looked at his team . JJ and Dave were at Quantico running the search from there with the humans . The Director was leading the search for him with the Sentinels and Guides in the area . Aaron was too emotional and he knew it . Seven hours later , Aaron was sitting at the park where Spencer came to play chess but there was no scent of his lover . The Sentinel / Guide teams had come across his scent four times but lost it just as quickly . Aaron was at his wits end . They had figured out why Spencer had run like he had . Garcia had gotten the footage from the police station from when the Council had arrived to take him into their custody until Aaron could get back . There was a moment when a man had entered from a back room at the station and Spencer 's head had snapped up . The man had never been visible in that instance but looking back they had found his face . When the chief of police , the lead officer from Summerlin , and Frances Cooper had moved to the chief 's office , Spencer had used that confusion to leave . Spencer had looked at the camera as he 'd left and Aaron could see from the look in his eyes that he was back . Something had happened . A small yip from an animal drew Aaron 's gaze up from where he had been looking at his hands in defeat . The park was pretty empty , at least in the area he was , he hadn 't seen a single dog with it 's owner . There was no one in sight . He tried to find the animal but couldn 't . The yip came again , this time closer and Aaron turned to try and find it . The glow of eyes from a bush thirty feet away had to be where the sound was coming from . The animal shook the bush and then inched forward , it 's head barely visible . Aaron 's heart stopped . He took a step forward but the red fox disappeared backwards again . Aaron pulled his own Spirit Animal from him and it appeared on the bench ten feet away . The fox 's head turned to look and then started out of the bush again . Moving steadily forward towards the falcon . When it was fully free from the bush , Aaron started to cry . It was Spencer 's Spirit Animal . When the fox was just a few feet away , the falcon jumped down and stood still while the fox sniffed at him . When the fox rubbed it 's entire side against the falcon , Aaron took a step towards them . This time the fox stayed . It waited for him and when he got within touching range , it ran the few steps and started to wind between his legs . After a minute of rubbing on his legs , the fox took off into the trees . Aaron tried to follow but he couldn 't . Instead he moved to his SUV , following his falcon that had taken flight and seemed to be following the fox . He hoped it was following the fox . " I was in the park where he plays chess trying to think and his Spirit Animal came to me . I 'm now following it . " Aaron paused when it led him out of town . Where was he ? Then it clicked . " Oh my God . We 've been thinking wrong all along . Instead of places he would go , where wouldn 't he go ? The fox is leading me to the woods on the outskirts of town . I want just the team . My falcon has landed . I need to go . Track my SUV . " Aaron hung up and grabbed his phone as he jerked himself out of the vehicle . He didn 't lock it or anything . Barely remembered to grab the keys . He could see his falcon through breaks in the trees above but his eyes stayed with the fox as much as possible . Two miles in , the fox stopped on a set of rocks that were by the river . The falcon landed on the upper edge of one of the rocks . Aaron manouvered around the rocks and found Spencer sitting there . His legs were tucked against his chest with his head on his knees . It was a perfect little hideaway . The rock outcropping had a cover over top and the rocks blocked all lines of sight unless one went into the mouth . There was fifteen feet between Spencer and Aaron . Aaron stayed at the mouth , not wanting to scare Spencer . The fox moved to sit at Spencer 's feet , rubbing on his legs , but the Guide didn 't react . Aaron felt his own falcon land on his shoulder before jumping . He settled on Spencer 's shoulder but there was no reaction . He gasped . That got a reaction out of Spencer . The Guide 's head shot up and he locked eyes with Aaron . The Sentinel didn 't move . This was all on Spencer . His decision of what he wanted to do . " How did you find me ? " Spencer whispered . His eyes were full of fear and Aaron didn 't like it . He wasn 't sure if the fear was just there or if he was scared of Aaron . Aaron felt tears on his face . He crouched down to sit . " I 'll get them but I have no reception here . I 'll have to leave . Can 't I help you ? " Spencer didn 't answer for a long minute . He stayed stock still but then finally looked up . " Why do you care ? " The words were whispered but with Aaron 's hearing , he heard not only the words but the emotion behind them . Aaron was ten feet away from Spencer but there was no way out other than the entrance that Aaron was blocking . If the Guide couldn 't see his own Spirit Animal , he was no way in control of his gifts . If Aaron scared him , Spencer could hurt or even kill him . " No matter what happened between us , you are a Guide in distress , Spencer . I can 't ignore that . Let me get you out of here and I can help you . " Spencer nodded and moved a step closer to Aaron but he stopped like he wasn 't sure . Aaron slowly stood up and opened his arms while he stepped to the side . Spencer could go to the side and out into the woods or he could step into Aaron 's arms . His Guide 's eyes darted between the opening and Aaron . Back and forth . Back and forth . Then he took off at a run to Aaron . The Sentinel took a few steps towards his Guide as Spencer jumped up into his arms . The younger man wrapped his legs around his waist as soon as he touched him , arms around his neck and buried his head there . Aaron wrapped an arm around Spencer 's back to help hold him steady and the other hand went to the back of his head to hold him there . " I 'm so sorry , Spence . I know the truth now . I am so sorry . " Aaron felt tears on his neck and pulled Spencer even tighter against him . He 'd wanted this for so long . To hold Spencer again . To have it be Spencer again . The sound of running feet had Aaron tempted to drop Spencer and shoved him behind . To protect him but the sound of the breathing and the heartbeat of the person running to him stopped his reaction . The Guide nodded against his neck but didn 't let go . Aaron wasn 't going to be the first to let go . He heard Jack moving ever closer but Spencer still wasn 't letting go . Jack slowed down as he neared the rock outcropping . He stayed on the outer edge . After Jack had been standing at the edge for a few minutes , Spencer unwrapped his legs and pulled out of Aaron 's arms . He moved out of the rocks and Aaron followed . Jack was alone or he would have never let Spencer out first . Aaron watched Spencer crouch down and pull Jack into his arms . He turned down his hearing so that he wouldn 't hear the words being said between father and son . He kept watch , he wasn 't an idiot . Any one of the Summerlin police could have slipped away from surveillance and followed him . He saw Morgan and Prentiss at the edge of his sight , both were watching Spencer with Jack . Morgan 's eyes though kept moving to him . He knew he wasn 't going to get any alone time with Spencer to talk for a while . The other Sentinels on the team would make sure of it . He was watching Morgan so closely that he jumped when he felt a hand on his cheek . Turning , he found Spencer standing in front of him . He turned his hearing back up . " Oh . " A strange looked passed over his face but it was gone in seconds . Aaron wasn 't sure what it meant but he 'd have to wait to figure it out . While the bond was open on both ends , there was still things being hidden from him by Spencer . Aaron was going to let it go . For Spencer no time had passed since he 'd been in the hands of Gideon even though it had . The team had learned to cope but he hadn 't . Aaron needed time to get him to open up and talk . Time he wasn 't going to get for a while . " Director wants us back at Quantico . The Council is there as is William Reid . The Summerlin police were not allowed on base . The Council is not happy that he brought humans into this and is still pursuing this . We 've kept it a secret that Reid has woken up . " Spencer followed Aaron and Morgan into the bullpen where the Director and the rest of the team was . Jessica had Jack in another part of Quantico . Aaron had only ever seen pictures of William Reid but he hated the man in the instant that he got a look at his son . " Actually it 's Agent Hotchner , or Unit Chief Hotchner . Since we are both Sentinels , I won 't make you call me that . " Aaron stopped five feet away from him and stood ramrod straight . He felt Spencer stop at his back . " That 's rich coming from you , " Spencer said from behind him . He moved around Aaron , keeping a hand on his hip . " I want you gone , William . I want you out of my area of control and I want you to never come back . You have two hours to get the cops from Summerlin out as well . If need be I will have the local Sentinels escort you out . " " Yes . I am . Are you going to follow what I have dictated . I don 't trust you around Guides . Also , " Spencer stepped closer to William and Aaron tried to grab him and pull him back . Spencer dodged the hand and turned to glare at him . Aaron raised his hands and moved back . " You will tell me where Sentinel Smythe is and you will tell me now . " " I should , father . I should scare the shit out of you . Watch the Sentinels around me . They are not watching you , they are watching me . Behind me are the two most powerful Sentinels in a five state area plus two others and they are not afraid of what you will do to me but what I will do to you . I don 't know what Sentinel Smythe and Gideon have told you over the years but I promise you , father Doctor Norman wasn 't going to keep me there . The second you would have dropped me off , he 'd have locked down the hospital and waited for Aaron and Morgan to come and get me . " " You were going to put me in that place and take control of my trusts from mom 's family . You would have not been able to get a single dollar from them . The second that Jack bonded with me as my child , he 's been my heir . The second you committed me , that money would have gone to him after paying for my care . " William looked at him in shock . " That 's what you are going to do with your legacy ? Give it to the child of the man who hurt you ? " Spence smiled . It wasn 't a nice smile . Aaron had never seen it before . Spencer took another two steps and it brought him face to face with his father . " My mother 's legacy ? " The laugh that left Spencer 's mouth was creepy and it sent shivers down Aaron 's spine . This wasn 't a Spencer that he had ever seen before . " Don 't know much about Bennington do you ? Never been inside . No Sentinels are allowed past the first floor . Sitting probably right now in a third floor sunroom , writing in her journal is Diana Reid . " William 's eyes widened at his words and then Spencer went on . " She 's alive and well . You tried to kill her but you never succeeded . I protected mother from you for years and you never knew it . All that money that you wanted ? It 's gone . I have enough saved up to put Jack through college and to live how I want with my books but you 'll never been able to touch it . " " And talking about the man who hurt me ? He may have thrown me out but he didn 't rip the bond from my mind . He took me into his house and cared for me . He 's nothing like you . " He turned and stepped right into Aaron 's arms , letting his Sentinel hold him . " Two hours . Now where is Smythe ? " Spencer exited the SUV in front of the house that he knew he 'd been living in for months but couldn 't remember a single second of it , he 'd lived in his head and had worked through many issues . He 'd had nothing but time to work through so many things . He didn 't like the not knowing though . He had one of Aaron 's personal guns at his back , a reassuring weight . Jack was with Jessica in an SUV around the block . He 'd been awake for a little longer than what Aaron and the rest of the team thought . He 'd been awake from the moment that one of the cops from Summerlin had touched him to help him into their car . It had been easy to fake with those who were not used to what he did and didn 't do in the state . If it had been Aaron or any of the others , he would have been figured out . " She won 't hurt me . Not right away , " Spencer said as he tucked himself into Aaron 's side . The team was scattered around , waiting to move in on their mark . Aaron didn 't say anything , instead he just pushed at Spencer 's back to get him into the house quicker . Their entire plan hinged on a single solitary fact . Something that Spencer hadn 't told Aaron yet . He was going to tell him as soon as they were alone . Aaron unlocked the house and ushered Spencer in , shutting and locking the door as quickly as he could . As soon as the door was shut , Spencer stepped away from Aaron . The game they were playing was hard on him . He could still feel all the anger that Aaron was keeping locked up inside over what he had done , what he had kept from him . " It wasn 't until I got a good look at William that I figured it out . I never understood her reaction to me . Why she hated me . Then I figured it out . She 's a year and a half younger than me . I don 't know who her mother was but her father is William Reid . She 's jealous . I am sure that once he left mom and I , he went to whoever her mother is and lived with them . Some time after that William figured out how powerful I was . He regretted leaving . Do you know how much power and respect he would have gotten if he 'd never left . I would have been one of the most sought out Guides for bonding on the west coast . " Spencer 's instincts were screaming at him to just kiss him . To grab Aaron 's face and take what he could . His brain was telling him it was a horrible idea and his heart ? His heart just wanted him to curl up in a corner and cry . Instead he did nothing . " Yes , I am . " Smythe said as the click of a gun cocking sounded in the room . Spencer spun to look at where the sound came from and found his sister with a gun leveled at Aaron 's head . " I was his precious little daughter and then you had to come out as the leader of this area . I knew who you were long before that . I 'd known since the first time I saw you . You smell like him . Gideon was supposed to shatter your mind and then kill himself when he saw what he had done . I was six when Gideon saw you for the first time in Vegas . He was there on a case and he saw something in you . It wasn 't hard to play with him . He always came back and checked up on you . Then when he came to Cal - Tech , I had a friend who kept an eye on you . " " You are insane , " Aaron said . His eyes were calm . There was no way to signal the team that she was already in the house . They were outside waiting to find her . " No , the bits were there already . I just tweaked them . He watched you from afar at Quantico and so did I . He needed little pushing at that point . Then he had a breakdown and left . I stepped back and then he moved back to DC and it didn 't take long after you bonded with Hotchner to twist him more . He had friends who were skilled enough hackers to get what we needed to destroy your relationship with Hotchner and then you were alone . The only thing that he didn 't do that I wanted was he was supposed to kill the kid . Losing him would have pushed you both so far apart that it would have destroyed you . It wouldn 't have been long before you took your own life . " Spencer looked into her eyes and he saw the truth . William had been so hung up on leaving them even though he had done it on his own that he 'd destroyed her life as well . There was such clarity on what he had to do . She would never leave him alone . Never . Her mind was easy to invade . He 'd not done it for a long time . Not since he 'd joined the BAU . Smythe gasped in shock and her hand started to squeeze but a quick jab into her brain and her entire body froze . The empathic weight in the room was so big that if Garcia or Henry would have been in the room , they would have dropped to the floor . Neither of them were ready for what Spencer felt like when he truly let all of his powers out . Smythe screamed . This is what he could have done to Gideon if he hadn 't been drugged . Aaron dropped to his knees , gasping because it hurt to breathe . Spencer had felt this once before in his life . He knew what it had felt like because his mother had showed him what it would feel like so that he kept a secure lid on his powers . It would have been so easy for him to hurt anyone if he wanted . " Adriana Smythe , I find you lacking in what it means to be a Sentinel . So I unmake you . " Spencer reached out with his hand and touched her forehead . All of her extended senses were wiped from her brain . The pathways that led to them were fried . No one would ever be able to fix her and the pathways would never heal . It wasn 't painful , not physically . Mentally it was like being set on fire . Smythe dropped to the floor as her eyes rolled up into her head . There was no way that Morgan and Prentiss hadn 't felt that and weren 't on their way . Garcia and Jack , he knew , would have felt it . Jack was too attuned to him not to have . It was too much on his weak body . He dropped to his knees and the world swam . The last thing that he saw was Aaron 's worried face over top of his and his lips moving . " Spencer ? " As he spoke the words the field doubled again and again . Aaron couldn 't stop himself as he felt to his knees . He 'd never felt anything like this before . It hurt to breath , it hurt to think . He heard Spencer say something and he tried to focus on the words . " … lacking in what it means to be a Sentinel . So I unmake you . " Spencer reached out and touched her forehead . It happened again , the empathic weight tripled this time though . His breath caught in his throat and Aaron felt like he was going to die . Then Smythe fell to the floor and the empathic weight was gone . Aaron recovered quickly , taking gulping breaths of air as Spencer fell to his knees . He watched his Guide 's eyes lose focus and he tried to reach out and catch him but his limbs still weren 't responding . He was only able to lean over and look into Spencer 's face . " Spencer ? " Aaron said as Spencer 's eyes rolled back in his head . He reached out and touched his face , he could feel the beat of his heart in his cheek . The bond was there pulsing feeling back into his body slowly but he couldn 't move much . The front door opened and Aaron was able to move . In a flash , he was crouched over Spencer with his body protecting his Guide and a snarl ripped from his throat . He recognized Morgan but no one was getting close to Spencer . A quick shove and Morgan had the door shut . Aaron heard the squawk from Prentiss on the other side but he didn 't care . " Hotch , man . Calm down . Just calm down . I 'm not gonna touch Reid . I promise . Let me get Smythe out of here . " Morgan stayed by the door but pointed at the former Sentinel on the floor . His words had to have been heard by Prentiss because she stopped banging on the door . Aaron thought about his words and what they meant . When he was sure that Morgan wasn 't going to move any closer , he quickly lifted Spencer 's upper body up and dragged him backwards . When his back hit the wall he stopped . Morgan moved forward only far enough to grab a hold of Smythe 's foot and pull her towards him . He knocked on the door and it was opened . Prentiss helped him get her out of the house . " We will be outside , Hotch . Just let us know what 's going on when he wakes up , okay ? " Morgan was out the door before Aaron could reply . He was worried about Spencer . He didn 't know what his Guide had done and why he was asleep . His heart rate seemed fine but there was nothing out of him . He knew what he wanted but for the first time in a long while , he was unsure if he had the right . His only thought was getting Spencer somewhere safe and that meant the bedroom . It 's where his backup weapons were and only had one entrance . He could feel the gun that he had given Spencer pressed against his stomach . His own was on his hip and a secondary at his ankle . Holding Spencer in his arms bridal style , Aaron stood up and moved to the upper areas of the house . The bed was still unmade from where he had rushed out for a case at five in the morning . That meant his smell was still on the sheets . He laid Spencer down and covered him up . When Spencer shifted around in the bed , pulling Aaron 's pillow from under his head and wrapping his arms around it , he made his decision . He quickly changed out of his suit and into jeans and a t - shirt before snuggling in around his Guide . Aaron had spent months learning the beat of Spencer 's heart . When he had been in his coma - like state , it had never varied . The beat was constant . Every time Spencer shuffled around on the bed it would spike up and then drop again once he had stopped moving . He spent what felt like hours relearning what his heart beat sounded like . He was so focused that he almost missed the intake of breath when Spencer woke up . " Don 't , " Aaron begged . He didn 't want Spencer to call him that . His Guide tried to pull away but Aaron held on tight . Spencer 's breathing became ragged and he struggled for a few seconds and then settled . " I am so sorry for everything . I am so sorry for letting anger blind me to where I just kicked you out without talking . Garcia found out everything when you went missing . The unaltered transcripts that were filed with your therapist . That you didn 't remember a thing . I should have talked to you . " Spencer shifted so suddenly that Aaron didn 't have a chance to stop him . His Guide spun in his arms and looked at him , his face so confused that Aaron wanted to lean down and kiss him . He didn 't fight the urge , he cupped the side of Spencer 's face and kissed him . A few seconds of no reaction and then Spencer was kissing him back . Aaron let Spencer dictate the kiss . When the younger man 's tongue traced his lips , he opened them wide , letting their tongues tangle . He knew that this was a bad idea but he couldn 't help himself . This was better than his dreams , better than his memories . Spencer 's hands on his face , cupping his cheeks and pushing pulled him out of his thoughts . He looked into Spencer 's eyes and saw the happiness there but pain too . He would try for the rest of his life to get rid of that pain . His Guide ducked his head and buried it in his neck . " Your mom showed up at the house with Doctor Norman and told me about your father trying to get custody . She spoke to Jack . She spoke to me . She met the entire team . She apologized for having you keep her a secret , that she begged you to let everyone think she was dead . Given her level of paranoia after William left , it was understandable that you would seek her permission before telling even me about her . I also understand why you wanted to do it in person and not in a letter . She had a small freak out here . Nothing Doctor Norman couldn 't handle but I could feel her gifts pressing at her mind . " " I 've done many irrational things over the years while working for the FBI . Your mom is a Guide and while she doesn 't live in your area , she 's yours to protect because she can 't protect herself anymore . You 've proven time and again what you will do to protect Jack and Henry , I should have expected no less for your mom . " Aaron tilted his head to the side so that he could listen to the area around the house . " We aren 't going to be able to push off Morgan for much longer . I figure by now Smythe is in Consortium hands . I can 't hear Jack but that doesn 't mean anything at this point . " " Don 't want to get up . " Spencer snuggled further under the blankets and wrapped himself around Aaron . He was quite happy with that , but Morgan and Prentiss would want to see Spencer to make sure he was fine and talk to him to figure out what he had done to Smythe . Hell , Aaron wanted to know as well . When Spencer 's hand snaked under his shirt and wrapped around his back , Aaron figured it out . The bond was making him skin hungry . It wasn 't a sexual touch , just a reassuring one . It wasn 't that hard to understand . Spencer had bound the bond and it wanted reassurance . His Guide wasn 't ready for what they had been before the end of their relationship . That would take time to build back up but just like when Spencer had sought him out while he 'd been in his coma like state , he needed touch . " You need to eat . I know that I do . " Aaron shifted and Spencer 's head moved away from his neck , he tilted it to where he could see his Guide 's eyes . " Why don 't we get settled in the kitchen with some food and coffee and we can talk to Prentiss and Morgan and have someone go and get Jack and Henry . Henry has been missing you something fierce . " " I do hate drinking it but I was trying everything I could think of to get you back , Spencer . I was outside the room when it happened , Spencer . I felt you leave me and I felt so cold for so long . I couldn 't get warm . I slept in this bed in long sleeves and sweats and shivered all night . Even the nights when you would … " Aaron stopped . That was a discussion that would be better had when they weren 't curled around each other in bed . " Slip into bed with you ? I can smell myself on the sheets , Aaron . On my pillow , on my side of the bed . I 'm not going to freak out . I know that I was away for at least four months . I also know what I could and couldn 't do during that time . What you wouldn 't do . " " It 's something instinctive with Guides but it can only be done by powerful ones and bonded ones at that . I knew exactly what I was doing and I knew that I could stay that way for the rest of my life . It was better than the alternative , I thought . I would have ended up in worse condition than my mother . My mother was just as powerful as I was when I came online . I 've only gotten more powerful since then . I could have killed any number of people who were there . Knowing now that you were right outside , I can 't say that I should have made a different decision . " Spencer started to move the hand that was on his back . It lightly traced up and down , up and down . Aaron let the feel of it sink him into a state of bliss . He could feel how calm and happy Spencer was . It felt wonderful to be wrapped around him again . " I guess they got impatient , " Spencer whispered as he placed a kiss on Aaron 's neck before untangling himself from his Sentinel . He was dressed in jeans but the button down was wrinkled . He stripped the shirt off and pulled out one of Aaron 's older shirts , slipping it on . Aaron knew what Spencer was going for and it wasn 't going to make the team happy . If Morgan had his way , the Guide would be going home with him or even Prentiss , possibly the Director but not staying with him at all . Spencer left the bedroom as soon as he pulled on Aaron 's shirt . As far as he was concerned , they were back together . There were still things that needed to be talked about but the main two items had been discussed . He could feel Aaron 's worry and knew that it had to do with the team . Jack and Henry were waiting for him at the stop of the stairs . Spencer dropped to his knees as Henry took off at him . He gripped the little Guide tight in his arms . It felt so good to hold him . He could hear Jack stop just inches from him but his son didn 't push it . He waited until Spencer held out an arm before he stepped to get his hug as well . " Worried . Give him a few minutes , Jackers . He 'll be down in a few minutes . Why don 't we go and get me some coffee ? " Spencer stood up , keeping Henry in his arms . Jack took a hold of his free hand , pulling him down the stairs and into the kitchen without even looking at the team gathered in the living room . Once Spencer had sat Henry down on the counter , Jack moved to the doorway , glaring at someone . Spencer wanted to tell him to stop it but he could use the few minutes to gather himself . Henry was chattering away about what he 'd been doing while he was sick . " … And Miss Penny has been helping me . How do I tell her that I liked her help but now that you are back , I don 't need her help anymore , Uncle Spencer ? " Henry asked . The name stopped Spencer cold as he was pouring water into the coffee pot . He looked at the boy sitting by the sink in shock . Uncle Spencer ? When had he earned that name ? Henry just stared at him , waiting for an answer . " We can talk to her together , Henry . I 'm sure she will understand and won 't be upset but I am sure that she will miss you . Maybe we can both help you from time to time with working on your abilities . " " Because you are Jack 's daddy and it 's weird to call you just Spencer when he calls you daddy . So I asked mom and dad and they said that uncle would work . " Henry looked up at him , worrying his hands together . " It 's okay isn 't it ? " " Of course it . " Spencer kissed the top of his head and then helped him jump down when he held out his hands . Henry ran right past Jack and up the stairs before Spencer could yell at him . The running footsteps came to a halt just outside the master bedroom . The thud told him that the Guide had run into Aaron , literally . He couldn 't hold back the chuckle . " Hi , Henry . Where were you off to at such a quick run ? " Aaron 's voice was soft and full of amusement . It carried right down the hall so there was no way that the whole house wasn 't hearing it . Jack was peeking around the corner , looking at his Guide with a smile on his face . Spencer shook his head laughing . The coffee was almost done brewing . It was at least done enough to where he swapped out the pot for a mug and then filled his mug before swapping the two items again . He poured in the sugar and then took a hesitant sip . It was perfect . He turned around once more to see Jack glaring at someone again . " Jack , it 's fine . Just let Morgan in . " Spencer leaned against the counter , his back settled against the edge of the fridge . Jack looked at him with a frown on his face . He could understand Jack not wanting another Sentinel , even a bonded one around him right now . The only thing keeping Aaron away was that he knew that Spencer needed to handle this on his own . Jack didn 't have the wisdom for that yet . " Jack . " " Reid . How are you feeling ? " Morgan looked unsure but he stayed at the edge of the room . He acted like he wanted to move across the room and crowd his space . " I destroyed Smythe 's abilities to touch her Sentinel gifts , for all intents and purposes she 's human and given enough time she will feel human to all Sentinels and Guides . It was a little much after not using my abilities for so long . It drained me a great deal . " Spencer wasn 't going to pull his punches with any of this . He liked that the team was trying to protect him but he could protect himself now . " Yes . It 's not even the first time I have done it . It 's what I would have done to the Sentinel in the forest if Aaron hadn 't gone feral . " " When Aaron becomes the Director of the FBI , he 'll be read in on all the facts . There are three other Guides within the United States that can do this . Two are military and the other works for the CIA . " Spencer pushed at the bond to get Aaron to move down into at least the living room . He didn 't like the silence in that room nor the fact that neither Jack nor Henry had come back down yet . When he heard his Sentinel on the stairs , he dropped his final two bombs of the day . " I will be staying here , Morgan . The Director knows my mind on all of this and will support me all the way . Aaron and I have talked and things are worked out . That is not to say that it 's not going to be hard for a few weeks but it is what it is . Also please try and remember this little fact , there are only two Guides in the whole of the world that can break a bond once established between a Guide and a Sentinel , no matter what . And only a handful of people in the world know that they can do it . " " Aaron couldn 't keep me in this bond if I didn 't want it . When I picked what I wanted to do with my life , I had a lot of choices . Think tanks , pure science jobs , teaching , starting my own company . I chose the FBI because of the bureau 's policies on Sentinels and Guides . It 's one of the most forward in this country . I also knew that no matter what , whoever was in power at the time would respect me and my powers . The Director has never done anything that makes me regret working for him . " " No . I could at this single moment reach into your mind and sever it from Garcia 's forever and it wouldn 't harm either one of you . I 've done it where a seriously messed up Sentinel or Guide has bonded with someone innocent . I am able to break the bond in a way that would allow the innocent party to find someone else if they so choose but the crazy one can 't . I 've only ever had to do it by force once and if I hadn 't , a Sentinel would have gone insane because her Guide had been tortured so much that she had gone insane . To this day that Sentinel visits her near daily at the hospital . The Guide will never recover . So remember that when you think that you know what 's best for me . I know my mind . I know Aaron 's mind . You don 't . So enjoy the fact that I am well and whole and back . " " So that 's that ? You spend a few hours talking to him and everything is fine ? Reid , man he kicked you out of the house . " Morgan looked ready to explode . " He didn 't set out to have the bond severed . He wasn 't able to make that step , Morgan . That gave me hope . He allowed me to see Jack and never once spoke a bad word about me in front of him . He didn 't handle it in the best way but I know well what a shock like that can do to someone . My relationship with MY Sentinel is that , mine . You butt out or I will throw you out of my house . " Spencer kept his eyes locked with the Sentinel and didn 't back down . Morgan raised his hands in supplication and backed out of the kitchen . Garcia and JJ were next into the room . Garcia moved up like she wanted to hug him but stopped a few feet away . Spencer smiled at her and opened his arms and she squealed as she hugged him so hard he could barely breathe . " Oh , Boy Wonder . I missed you . You didn 't feel right and I didn 't like it and you were gone and I just couldn 't ! " Garcia started to cry and Spencer just held her and let her get all her emotions out . JJ stepped up and tried to help calm her down by rubbing at her back but all she did was sob harder . Aaron entered the kitchen with the two kids , Prentiss and Morgan on their heels . Rossi was last into the room . The older man would want to talk to him alone , just to make sure but he would take Spencer at his words . " I 'm here now , Garcia . " Spencer 's eyes sought out Morgan and the Sentinel came and took his Guide , tucking her into his arms and holding her tight . As soon as Morgan crossed the room with her , Aaron moved over to him , taking the empty mug that his Guide had set out for him . He filled it with coffee . Spencer was shocked when he didn 't settle there . Instead he moved to stand behind him , settling a hand on his Guide 's lower back . " My Sentinel and now the Council . There has never been a case where it had been done and it deemed wrong after . If I was corrupt enough to do it to an innocent , I would go insane and not be able to touch that part of me anymore . It 's happened once in history . I was given the okay by the Council once they figured out the depth of how crazy she was . That was a week before I was taken by Gideon . She 's been in hiding since then . " " She 's a year and a half younger than me . Her birth father is not on her record . The Council spent months trying to find out but I figured it out in seconds after seeing her father . Within the hour , my father will be leaving Virginia and hopefully never returning . I don 't know if he will still love her now that she is no longer a Sentinel . " " She has quite a few traits of my father and it didn 't take long to see it . Other than having knowledge of where my father was , I 've not cared for much more information than that . I never looked at pictures . I 've made him think for over ten years that my mom is dead . He focused on me because of that . Especially when he found out how much money mom 's side of the family had . It was easy . Bennington will do anything to protect those inside their halls . You were able to access it because I made sure the FBI could find her if need be . The Director was very helpful with that . " Spencer took a deep breath . " Look I know that everyone is happy to have me back but I need time . I would like time to get used to this . I just want a few days . Can I get that ? " " Of course , " Rossi said . Morgan opened his mouth but the look from Rossi and Garcia stopped him cold . Morgan closed his mouth with a snap . Garcia pulled him from the kitchen and Rossi followed behind . Prentiss gave him a nod . That left JJ and Henry . " Bring Henry by tomorrow morning . We 'll keep him overnight , " Spencer said as he moved over to give her a hug . Henry raised his arms up for a hug as well . Spencer lifted the young Guide into his arms and gave him a hard hug . JJ and her son left and then it was just the three of them . Jack tucked himself in at Spencer 's side and Aaron settled in at his back . It was going to be hard getting back to where they had been but it was worth it . Aaron was standing outside his office waiting . He 'd been back to work at the BAU for two weeks after spending two weeks with Spencer and Jack and sometimes Henry . Spencer had spent the past two weeks getting everything done to come back to the BAU , without the team knowing . He wanted to surprise them . He 'd found a case for them and he was getting ready to pull them all into the conference room to start discussing it . " BAU Team , conference room ! " Aaron said with a grim look on his face and more force than necessary . The team was back to a better keel but Morgan still tried to test him on occasion . That wouldn 't go away until Morgan 's senses trusted that Aaron was back to his old self . That wouldn 't be until Spencer was back where he belonged . " The UnSub drains them of their blood ? " Spencer asked as he entered the room . Aaron had heard him making his way up the stairs and had kept still . The entire team 's heads turned to look at him . Aaron knew exactly what he was dressed in . Black slacks with a light purple shirt and a dark purple vest . His hair was shorter than Aaron had ever seen on him but he liked it . He was also wearing a pair of black and white converse . His gun at his hip . " Full reinstatement as of , " Spencer paused to look at his watch , " twelve minutes and thirteen seconds ago . Passed my gun qualification as well . So Ohio right ? " Spencer took the seat next to Aaron . Garcia looked down at the table again and then back up at him in shock . The jet landed in no time and the team split up . Aaron sent JJ and Spencer to look at the newest crime scene while he and Dave went to the station to get set up . Morgan and Prentiss took the SUV after dropping them off and made their way over to the morgue to look at victims one and two . Spencer put the SUV in park before shutting off the engine . JJ was looking solely at the crime scenes in front of them . What had once been a beautiful park was now cordoned off with police tape in three sections . The first two were barely visible from where Spencer had parked . " But none of their Sentinels were on duty at that time . The body dump was two hours earlier than the other two had been . Did the UnSub 's timeline change or did the dump happen when no Sentinel was on duty on purpose ? " Spencer let JJ take the lead . This was his first crime scene since waking up and he wanted to make sure that he didn 't overload himself . Aaron had wanted to come with him but he said that his hovering would make him more likely to overload himself . His Sentinel hadn 't been happy but had given in . Spencer laughed . " Clingy is an understatement . After I came back from visiting mom last week , he didn 't leave my side for two hours . Doctor Norman said that mom is doing well all things considered . She took the news of William 's marital betrayal a great deal better than I even thought . I think that she might be finally healing from all of that . " " No . She might be able to actually come visit me and things like that but live on her own outside Bennington ? Never . " Spencer stopped and let his eyes take in the crime scene . There was something really off about it and he couldn 't put his finger on it . All three men killed had been drained of blood . The first and second at the location of their death but the third was done at another . " That 's sad but I can see why . Watching Henry with Jack . I can 't see Jack ever hurting Henry like that , not after everything that you and Hotch have gone through . " JJ moved around the edge of the scene before she snapped on her gloves to touch at the spots where the footprints were taken from . " Two sets of prints , one big and one a little smaller . " " Children learn from their parents . Aaron 's weren 't good parents . Sean is human and didn 't understand a lot of what happened . " Spencer looked at what JJ was pointing out . The second print was only a shoe size or two smaller than the bigger of the prints . " Two UnSubs , given the trail of blood where they walked . " " No . He calls on occasion and talks to Aaron and sometimes Jack , but he 's never asked to talk to me and I won 't force him to . " Spencer looked out to the other scenes . " I want to go look at the first scene . Want to stay or come with me ? " " I 'll come . " JJ stood up from her crouch and followed him as he moved around the park . As he got closer to the scene , he knew what he was feeling . He stopped , grabbing JJ as he did . He wasn 't nice and jerked her back , nearly wrenching her arm from her socket . " Spence ? " " Don 't . Oh , God . Don 't get any closer . We need Aaron and Morgan here now . I need my phone . " Spencer jerked his phone from his pocket and dialed Aaron 's number without ever looking at the screen . " Aaron . I need you and Morgan here now . Leave Prentiss at the station . I also want the LEO 's Sentinel / Guide pair here . No unbonded Sentinels or Guides are allowed in this park . " Spencer hung up his phone and looked at JJ . She looked horrified . She knew the terms . She knew the ramification of this . Spencer did too . The pair wasn 't going to go down without a fight . " Some would like to believe that our natures keep Guides and Sentinels from becoming monsters like this but we know it to be different . It 's just as easy for us to snap as it is for humans . It 's just usually caught by the other half of the bond but in this case , both went crazy . We don 't know the trigger yet but we will find it . We will stop them . " " How do you stop a bonded pair like this ? I 've seen bonded pairs in action before . I 've seen you when you went after Hotch . How can we stop them and not harm others in the process ? " " Because I can feel both of their excitements . With the third killing , they changed everything up . WIth the police presence they weren 't going to get the time they wanted to do it all at the dump site . They have a kill site now . To find them , we are going to have to find the kill site . " " No . I don 't know how CPD 's Guide didn 't feel this . I could feel the empathic imprints on the scenes from the second we pulled up . If the Guide walked the scenes , he should have felt it . " " In locations that are not under my control ? Yes . While we always alert the highest Sentinel and Guide in any area we go into , we have passes to be able to move about without doing it . All government agents who move about the country do . It was set in long ago . We try and be nice though and alert everyone but usually , the Sentinel at least knows we are coming by the locals alerting them that they are getting the BAUs help . Aaron and I are very popular right now . I doubt there is a Sentinel or a Guide in this country that doesn 't know our names , especially those in law enforcement . " " Some can be very much so yes but others know when help is needed . If we are denied entrance to a city based on a Sentinel not wanting our help when the local government has asked for us and more killings happen , it looks very bad . That Sentinel can lose their job . I 've come across a few unbonded Sentinels that have tried to use their will to make me look at things how they want it looked at . Manipulation of evidence as it were . They knew who the UnSub was and I wasn 't seeing it that way . I usually was correct . " " Yes . Aaron has to deal with more than what you think when we are on cases . I 'm usually at the station working on the geographic profile as well as whatever else is needed . I deal more with the locals on a one on one basis . Today , he went to the station first . As time goes by and he gets used to me being on the team again , he 'll calm down . For now , I live with two overprotective Sentinels who are going to act the epitome of what they are when I am around strangers . " " That 's because I forced it . I 'm not weak and I don 't need taken care of . They 'll calm down with time . Aaron 's here . " Spencer turned his head as the other SUV parked right beside the one he 'd drove and two unmarked cars stopped as well . As soon as the Sentinel / Guide pair stepped out of one of the cars , Spencer went on alert . He pulled in his gifts sharply . Hiding himself like he had done for such a long time . Aaron looked at him with a strange look . He 'd felt it , Spencer knew that . The single small hitch in his step was the only show that he 'd caught on . His eyes had darted over to the pair . " Follow me . " JJ followed Spencer as he moved to the second crime scene . He got within ten feet of it and he turned to look at Aaron . It was a different pair . Morgan was at a disadvantage as he didn 't have Garcia with him but Spencer could help him and keep him stable if this came down to a fight . Morgan and Rossi were slowly moving towards Spencer and JJ . Spencer had JJ out of the pair 's line of sight . Only the Sentinel would be able to fire her gun and hit JJ where she was behind a bush . " He feels a little on the weak side , " the Guide said as he looked Spencer up and down . He was over twenty feet away and the feel of his mind was already making the more powerful Guide sick to his stomach . This needed to be handled carefully . This was the only bonded pair on the force but it was odd that none of the unbonded Sentinels or Guides knew that they were doing it . Either the pair was really good at hiding or there was a lot more corruption in the police force than there should be . Spencer didn 't know which he wanted to be the truth . " Reid , drop when I say , " Morgan whispered behind him . Spencer only minutely nodded his head . He heard the drawing of Morgan 's gun followed by Rossi 's . He didn 't know the plan but he could do what was asked . " So who cleared the scenes after CSU took what they needed ? " Aaron asked . He was calm and collected looking but Spencer knew he wasn 't . He could feel the emotional turmoil inside him . Aaron was figuring out just as much as he was . It wasn 't good . Nothing good was going to come out of this . Spencer 's eyes were locked on Amelia though and she was watching him as well . He could tell by the way she was looking at him that something was up . Spencer couldn 't do much though at the moment , as long as she didn 't see him as a threat , she wouldn 't treat him as one . The bushes to the right started to rustle . Morgan 's attention was drawn to them and a quick flick of Spencer 's eyes told him that Aaron 's was as well . Back to Amelia and he saw the gun being pulled from Chase 's holster followed quickly by the pair of detectives standing by Aaron . A man and a woman stepped from the bushes with shot guns drawn on Rossi and Morgan . The only two without guns on them were JJ and Spencer , the two weak ones in the eyes of those around them . " Let 's all step out into the open , " Amelia called out . Spencer stepped out first and JJ followed him . Morgan and Rossi went around the other side of the bush . Aaron was standing with his hands above his head . " Drop your weapons . " Aaron dropped his main piece on the ground a few feet in front of himself and leaned down to take out the secondary . When he straightened back up , he looked at Spencer . The look on his face told him everything . He was to do whatever he could to get them out of there . With two insane pairs and two humans it was going to be hard to take them all out . What would take out one set wouldn 't the other . " This is going to get messy . There is no way out of this now , " Spencer said . He stayed in front of JJ . She was sweating and Spencer could smell something new on her scent profile . There was no way that Morgan and Aaron were missing it either . He nodded his head slightly at the human detectives . Aaron nodded back . " You 'll have to kill us and then his Guide will come after you . No one would stop him . He 'd get a pat on the head . " Spencer chose that moment to unleash . He released enough of an empathic wave that the humans were knocked out while the Sentinels were just dropped to their knees . The Guides were barely affected . Spencer turned quick as he could and punched the Guide with the shotgun as hard as he could . Aaron went after Chase . Morgan ran full tilt at Amelia before she could stand up . Spencer turned to the unknown Sentinel . His mind was weak . He was concerned for his Guide and rightly so , Spencer was pretty sure that he 'd broke at least her nose if not some of the bones around it . He didn 't even react when Spencer reached into his mind and knocked him out . Aaron had Chase in cuffs as did Morgan with Amelia . Neither would be able to break out , not without serious injury . Rossi rolled the unconscious Sentinel over and cuffed him . Spencer pulled his own cuffs out and jerked the Guide to her feet . She protested but the more powerful Guide just spun her and cuffed her . " An hour . I was afraid that if it was stronger it would kill them . " Spencer pulled his cell phone out . He dialed a number he 'd only called once . " Our thoughts exactly . Obviously , we can 't take the bonded to the station . Is there someone in this town you trust to meet us at the park and take control of them ? " " There is . I can 't fly out until the morning . I 'm in LA . Charlotte can be there in two hours . I 'll send her if you can stay . This is going to fucking bite us in the ass . How could we have missed this ? Columbus is the fucking capital . God damn it , Reid . If it had been any other BAU team . " " It would have been a slaughter . The Martin 's didn 't recognize me . They thought I was some fill in Guide . Get here as soon as you can . I need a nap so I am going to my hotel room and letting Aaron wait . I have a pregnant woman who is freaking out . " " You didn 't know ? " Spencer asked as he hung up on Evan . JJ shook her head . Her hand dropped down to her stomach . She looked at Aaron next who nodded . " Scent profile . I am nowhere as good as Aaron or even Morgan but something changed and you feel different to me . I wasn 't around you when you were pregnant with Henry . " " Spencer , you and Rossi take her back to the hotel . I want you both to stay with her . I don 't trust this town and I heard what Evan asked . We can stay . " Spencer was stretched out asleep and covered up on the bed when Aaron let himself into the room . It was late and all Aaron wanted to do was sleep . He needed a shower before that . He grabbed his shower kit and moved into the bathroom , pulling the door shut before he turned the light on . The shower was quick . He only needed to get the grime off from the day . He 'd left his sleep clothes out in the room so he toweled off and stepped out of the bathroom naked . He , on purpose , kept his eyes from the bed . While their relationship as Sentinel and Guide was strong again , the personal side of that relationship was still pretty rocky . They slept in the same bed again , every single night . Chaste kisses in front of Jack but when they were alone , nothing . It frustrated Aaron but other than showing his love for Spencer everyday , there wasn 't a thing he could do . Spencer needed time and Aaron was more than willing to give it to him . The Sentinel didn 't notice until he 'd bent over that the room was a lot darker than it should be . He flicked his eyes over to the window to see the curtain pulled . It hadn 't been when he 'd gone into the bedroom . He could hear Spencer 's breathing but before he could pinpoint where , Spencer had him spinning into the wall and crushed his mouth in a kiss . His Guide wasn 't wasting any time . His hands were on Aaron 's hips , thrusting their groins together and the Sentinel could tell he was naked . That did it for Aaron . He grabbed Spencer 's thighs and pulled him up . This was familiar . This was normal . It had been a year but it felt like it hadn 't been that long . His Guide 's legs wrapped around him and then his arms went around his neck , never letting their mouths disconnect . He didn 't know who opened their lips first but the taste of Spencer exploded across his mouth . He wanted to stop and ask if Spencer was sure but the pure need that was screaming across his brain from the bond told him all that he needed . When he was certain that Spencer was settled , he turned them to where Spencer was against the wall and he ripped his mouth away from his Guide 's . " Please , Aaron I need you . I need you in me . On me . Please , " Spencer panted into his ear . It was easy to let the words drive him to what he wanted as well . He backed up letting them fall onto the bed . Before Spencer could say a thing , he rolled them trapping his Guide below him . As soon as he had his legs under him , he started to thrust into Spencer 's groin . One of the younger man 's arms let go of his neck and snaked up under the pillow . Aaron could just make out the movement in the darkness . His eyes had adjusted to the pitch black but he knew that Spencer couldn 't see a damned thing . It was erotic as hell . Spencer begging was driving Aaron wild . Leaning up , he snapped open the bottle . It had been too long and he wanted this so bad that he could taste it . Spencer keened when his first finger slipped in . He swallowed his Guide 's moans as he prepped him . He was thankful they had been placed in a sound proofed room but he still worried about sound carrying . The pleasure radiating off of Spencer was so massive that he was sure that the whole hotel was feeling it . Sliding home inside of his Guide , Aaron thought that he wasn 't going to last once he was fully seated . Spencer was tighter and hotter than he remembered . He buried his face in Spencer 's neck and waited for him to be ready . When he shifted his hips , Aaron knew that he was ready . He only pulled out a few inches because he didn 't want to lose that connection with his Guide . There was no way that this wasn 't in response to the scene at the park earlier in the day . He couldn 't deny Spencer anything that he wanted or needed and at the moment , Spencer needed this bad . He set up a slow in and out pace and when the younger man tried to speed it up , he grabbed the Guide 's hands in one of his and held them tight on the pillow above their heads . He used his other hand to hold down Spencer 's hips . " No . " Aaron leaned down to kiss him again , letting his tongue slide in and out of the other man 's mouth at the same pace that he fucked in and out of his Guide . " I know exactly what you need and I am giving it to you . " Aaron kept the slow pace up until they were both covered in sweat and his leg muscles burned but still he didn 't stop . That edge of need that had been radiating off Spencer was long gone and all that was left was love . The hand on Spencer 's hip moved up to wipe away the tears that were flowing out of his love 's eyes . He released his hands and and cradled the Guide 's face with hands forcing Spencer to look at him . " I love you , Spencer . " He kissed his Guide with all of his love pouring out . Spencer had wanted a frantic fucking to prove that he was still alive , Aaron had turned the tables on him . That part of Spencer that had been shut off to him broke open as Spencer came . At the first clench of muscles , Aaron followed right behind him . The fear that Aaron would leave him again washed over the Sentinel and he kissed those feelings away . Spencer grabbed his face , not letting him pull away as the kissed Aaron like he was drowning and his Sentinel was a source of air . " My Guide . " Aaron pulled Spencer close , wrapping his arms around him as he rolled to side side , pulling the other man with him . He didn 't want to let go . Spencer looked out from his window in his office into the bullpen . Morgan , Garcia , JJ , and Prentiss were standing there with the two new members of the team . The missing member of the team entered the bullpen and stepped up behind his Sentinel . Scott had been a welcome addition to the team in place of Rossi when he had retired two years prior . Spencer had known who he was as soon as he had seen the tattoo on his neck . The sigma level Guide had fit right in with the team . Spencer had almost not gotten there in time to stop Prentiss and Scott from shaking hands . Aaron had figured it out first and ushered the three of them up to his office . A stand down of a week had been used to get the team used to not only the new member but that their new member had bonded with Prentiss . It had been the biggest change up until a week prior . In the space of a day , the Director had stepped down due to health reasons and that spiked a few changes in the BAU . The plan had been in place but not for anytime that soon . Aaron had taken his place at the head of the FBI and it was a given that Spencer couldn 't go in the field like he did . His abilities were in complete control but if he was injured in the field then Aaron would be unable to work and it just wasn 't a good thing . And being away from Aaron for long periods was not something he wanted . It was easy for Spencer to step out of field agent status but what to do with him ? In the end , Cruz had taken a position elsewhere and Spencer had been put up to Section Chief of the BAU . Morgan was Unit Chief with Prentiss as his second in command . The Sentinel hadn 't been upset with the change at all . In fact , Morgan had been really happy . Spencer 's office was Aaron 's old one and Morgan took Rossi 's . Prentiss was happy staying in the bullpen as that 's where Scott was . The two members that replaced him and Aaron were Kate Callahan and Ashley Seaver . For the first time ever , females actually outnumbered men on the team . The five women were happy to push that in Morgan and Scott 's faces . " They having a good time ? " Aaron asked as he stepped up behind Spencer , wrapping him into a hug . The Guide settled his head on his Sentinel 's shoulder . " Depends . We 'll see how Callahan works out . If she 's doing well , I 'll get space made for him or her on the team . Seaver waited her time for a space on the team . She deserves to stay if her Sentinel wants to join her . " Aaron hummed and he pulled Spencer in closer . A rush of emotion told Spencer that Jack and Henry were arriving . The pair usually stopped by after school was out , at least once a week to visit with the team while working on homework . Jack had his arm wrapped around his Guide holding him close . The two were close . A lot closer than other pairs who found each other while young and online . The four adults had already talked about the fact that none of them thought that the two of them were going to last much past when Henry hit the age of consent for the state of Virginia . The pesky problem was that Jack was going to be over eighteen when that happened . " The wedding . Jack found the notebook JJ and I have been using to plan it . He 's excited . He thinks it 's an awesome birthday present for Henry and by extension him . " " Pfft . I 'm happy with what we have . Not like getting married gives us anything more than what we have . It doesn 't prove that I love you more or that you love me more . Not like you want it either . " Spencer let the love he felt from Aaron wash over him . They 'd gone through so much to get to where they were . Their life was pretty perfect now . A wedding wouldn 't give them anything but stress and they 'd had enough stress in their life . A piece of paper and a set of rings weren 't worth it . Outside of work , Spencer wanted stress free . He was happy , Aaron was happy , and Jack was happy . That 's all he needed . 00Q Reverse Big Bang ! Art and Stories for all things 00Q , since 2014Criminal Minds BangThe home of the Criminal Minds Bang and Reverse Bang ! Site TitleRough Trade # GFYWrote Hard and Put Up Wet . charliesdragonRamblings of a mad woman . . . 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THE NEXT MORNING , I WOKE feeling a little giddy . It was Saturday , and I was supposed to go to the Women 's Room , but I just couldn 't stand it . I needed to think , and I knew that wouldn 't happen in the endless chatter floating downstairs . When my maids came , I told them I had a headache and would be staying in bed . They were so helpful , bringing me food and cleaning the room as quietly as possible , that I almost felt bad for lying to them . I had to , though . I couldn 't face the queen and the girls and possibly Maxon while my mind was so solidly fixated on laksh and his betrayal . I closed my eyes but did not sleep . I tried to clear up just how I felt . Before I got very far , though , there was a knock at the door . I rolled over , catching Anne 's face as she silently asked if she should answer it . I sat up quickly , straightened my hair , and gave her a nod . " Pardon me , miss , " he said to Anne . " I 'm Officer Leger . I 'm here to speak to Lady America about some security measures . " Once they had disappeared behind the door , Laksh spoke . " You 're wrong , I 'm afraid . I 'm going to be needing you for a very long time . " He winked at me . Laksh looked deep into my eyes . " Please forgive me , Mer . I was so , so stupid , and I 've regretted that night in the tree house since the second I climbed down the ladder . I was too stubborn to say anything and then your name got called … I didn 't know what to do . " He stopped for a second . It looked like he had tears in his eyes . Was it possible that Laksh had been crying for me the way I 'd been crying for him ? " I 'm still so in love with you . " I bit my lip , holding back my tears . I needed to be sure of one thing before I could even think about this . I wanted to know how he could leave girls like that …… first me … . . then … now … . Brenna , the girl i saw him with in my sending - off ceremony …… how could he ? ? ? ? … how could he break hearts that easiy ? ? ? does he even know what is the meaning of love ? ? ? ? ? ? Laksh squinted his face in concentration then burst into laughter . He covered his mouth with his hands and fell backward on the bed before popping up and asking , " Is that what you think ? Oh , Mer , she fell . She tripped and I caught her . " " Yeah , the square was so full , people were standing on top of one another . She fell into me and made a joke about being a klutz , which you know is true for Brenna even on a good day . " I thought about the time she seemed to just fall off the sidewalk for no apparent reason . Why hadn 't this occurred to me before ? " As soon as I could get free , I was rushing to the stage . " I remembered those moments , Laksh 's desperate attempt to get close to me . He hadn 't been faking at all . I smiled , smiled a sad smile . " And just what were you planning on doing once you got there ? " He shrugged . " I didn 't actually think it out that far . I was considering begging you to stay . I was prepared to make an idiot out of myself if it meant you wouldn 't get in that car . But then you looked so mad … and I get why you were . " He let out a sigh . " I just couldn 't do it . Besides , maybe you 'd be happy here . " He looked around the room at all the beautiful things that were temporarily considered mine . I could see how he would think that . " Then , " he continued , " I thought that I could win you over once you came home . " His voice seemed suddenly tinged with worry . " I was sure you 'd want out and come home as soon as you could . But … you didn 't . " " Then there was the draft , and I figured it would be unfair to even think about writing . I could die out here . I didn 't want to try to make you love me again and then … " I bet I did . No doubt every drop of blood had dashed away from my face the moment they saw us together . But Laksh , so cool under pressure , had fixed it in a split second . " Forgive me , miss , " Laksh said as my maids went to work . " I don 't wish to disturb you any more . I 'll come back when you 're feeling better . " " What do we do ? " I asked . A sudden adrenaline spike woke me up , and I jumped out of bed . As soon as I was standing , Mary was pushing my feet into shoes and Anne was putting a robe on me . All I could think was North or South ? North or South ? " There 's a passage here in the corner . It 'll take you straight to the safe room in the basement . The guards are there waiting . The royal family should already be there and most of the girls , too . Hurry , miss . " Anne pulled me out into the hallway and pushed on a section of wall . It turned , like a hidden passage from some mystery novel . Sure enough , behind the wall , a stairwell awaited me . As I stood there , Tiny bolted from her room and scurried down the passage . " Okay , let 's go , " I said . Anne and Mary gaped at me . Lucy was shaking to the point she could barely stand . " Let 's go , " I repeated . I knew at best they 'd be injured if they were found ; at worst they 'd die . I couldn 't bear them being hurt . Maybe I was a little cocky , but if Maxon had gone out of his way to do everything he 'd done thus far , maybe they would matter to him if they mattered to me . Even if we were fighting . Perhaps it was too much generosity to bank on , but I wasn 't leaving them here . The fear made me move faster . I grabbed Anne 's arm and pushed her in . She stumbled and couldn 't stop me as I grabbed Mary and Lucy . They started walking , but Anne was protesting the whole way . " They won 't let us in , miss ! This place is just for the family … . They 'll just make us leave ! " But I didn 't care what she said . Whatever their hiding place was , there was no way it would be as safe as wherever the royal family was staying . The stairwell was lit every few yards , but even so I nearly fell a few times in my haste to move . My mind was blinded with worry . How far had the rebels penetrated before ? Did they know these pathways to safety existed ? Lucy was half - paralyzed , and I tugged her down to keep us together . I couldn 't tell how long it took for us to reach the bottom , but finally the tiny pathway opened up to a man - made cavern . I could see other stairways and other girls , everyone running behind what looked to be a two - foot - thick door . We ran up to our safe place . " Fine . They don 't go in , I don 't go in . I 'm sure Prince Maxon will appreciate knowing that my absence is your doing . Let 's go , ladies . " I pulled on Mary and Lucy 's hands . Anne was shocked into stillness . There was a clamor of activity inside . Some girls were huddled together crying , others were in prayer . I saw the king and queen sitting alone , surrounded by more guards . Beside them , Maxon was holding Elayna 's hand . She looked a little shaken but obviously felt calmer with him touching her . I looked at the royal family 's position … so close to the door . I wondered if it was like a captain going down with his ship . They 'd do everything to keep this place afloat , but if it went down , they 'd be the first ones to drown . Their little group saw my entrance and noted the company I was keeping . I took in the confused expressions on their faces , nodded once , and continued to walk with my head high . I figured so long as I looked sure of myself , no one would question me . " Good . Some help . Girls , you will immediately get to the water stores in the back and begin serving refreshments to the royal family and the ladies . Get going , now , " she commanded . " No . " I turned to Anne and gave her my first real order . " Anne , please take some refreshments to the king , queen , and prince and then come join me . " I faced Silvia . " The rest can fend for themselves . They chose to leave their maids alone , they can get their own damn water . Mine will be sitting with me . Come , ladies . " I knew we were close enough to the royals that they would have heard me . In my quest to have a level of authority , I 'd spoken a little too loudly . But I didn 't care if they thought I was rude . Lucy was more frightened than most of the people in this room . She was trembling head to foot , and there was no way I 'd have her serving people half her equal in goodness in her state . We found a little space in the back of the room . Whoever usually kept this place ready must not have been prepared for the influx the Selection would cause , because there weren 't nearly enough chairs in here . But I saw the stores of food and water and could tell they would get us through months down here , if the need arose . It was a funny little array of people . Obviously , several officials had been up working through the night , and they were in suits . Maxon himself was still dressed . But nearly all the girls were in their thin nightgowns that helped you sleep in the warmth of the rooms upstairs . Not all of them had been able to get a robe on in their haste to leave . I was even a little chilly under mine . Many of the girls had piled themselves toward the front of the room . Obviously , they 'd be the first to die if someone got through the door . But if they didn 't , think of all the time spent right in front of Maxon ! A few were closer to where we were , and most of them were in a similar state as Lucy - shaking , tearful , and petrified with worry . I pulled Lucy under an arm and Mary cuddled her from the other side . There wasn 't anything to say about the situation that was pleasant , so we stayed quiet , listening to the clamor of the room . The jangle of voices reminded me of the first day here , when they were giving us makeovers . I closed my eyes and pictured that action with the sound in an attempt to make myself as calm as I appeared . I looked up and there was Laksh , glorious in his uniform . His tone was very official , and he didn 't seem shaken by the situation at all . I sighed . We were quiet for a moment , watching people get settled in the room . Mary had obviously been exhausted - she was already asleep and leaning heavily on Lucy 's side . Lucy was fairly calm , all things considered . She 'd stopped crying and just sat there looking at Aspen with a kind of wonder in her eyes . The silence was worse than any sound . Without a single sense to guide me , my imagination took over , producing horrific scenes in my head : rooms demolished , a string of bodies , a merciless army only feet from the door . I found myself clutching the girls nearer to me , as if we could protect one another from whatever would come . The only stirring was Maxon walking around to check on each of the girls . When he got to our corner , only Lucy was awake with me , and every once in a while , we 'd have a quick conversation in breathed words , reading each other 's lips . As Maxon approached , he smiled at the pile of people leaning on me . In that moment , I could see no anger left from our argument , though I really wanted to resolve it . Instead , I saw his grateful smile , simply happy that I was okay . A wave of guilt went through me … . What had I gotten myself into ? I nodded . He looked at Lucy and leaned across me to speak to her . I inhaled . Maxon didn 't smell like anything that could be bottled . Not like cinnamon or vanilla . He had his own smell , a mix of chemicals that burned out from him . Maxon turned to look at me , and his face was incredibly close . I felt uncomfortable . Too many people could see us ; Laksh included . But the moment passed quickly , and he turned back to Lucy . Shocked , I nodded . These rebels were making their way northwest , burning crops and slaughtering people along the way . Intercept them , he 'd said . These rebels , these murderers , had been slowly coming for us all this time , and we couldn 't stop them . They were killers . They were Southerners . I practiced breathing slowly , trying to imagine ways I could escape if they got to us , but I was fooling myself . If the rebels managed to get down here , it was all over . There was nothing to do but wait . " Ladies and gentlemen , " one of the guards called , " the rebels have been subdued . We are asking that everyone please return to their rooms via the back stairs . There 's quite a mess and scores of injured guards . It 's better if you all bypass the main rooms and halls until they can be cleared . If you are a member of the Selection , please proceed to your room and stay there until further notice . I 've spoken with the cooks , and food will be brought to you within the hour . I 'm going to need all medical personnel to report with me to the hospital wing . " With that , people stood and started moving like nothing had happened . Some people even looked bored . Except for the faces of people like Lucy , it seemed everyone took the attack in stride , as if it were to be expected . My room had been ransacked . Mattress on the floor , dresses pulled out of the closet , the pictures of my family torn up on the ground . I looked around for my jar , and it was there broked with its penny inside . I tried not to cry , but my eyes kept welling up . It wasn 't that I was afraid , though I was . I just didn 't like that an enemy had put their hands all over my things , had ruined them . It took quite a while to set things right , since we were all so tired . We managed , though . Anne even found some tape so I could put my pictures back together . I sent my maids to bed the moment I got my tape . Anne protested , but I wouldn 't have any of it . Now that I 'd found my ability to command , I wasn 't afraid to use it . I pulled out the jeans that Maxon had given me and my one shirt from home and put them on . I felt a little more normal this way . My hair was messy from the events of the night and most of the morning , so I pulled it up into a casual little bun on the top of my head , pieces falling down around my face . I set the fragments of pictures on the bed , trying to figure out which ones went together . It was like having four puzzles ' worth of pieces all in the same box . I had managed to put only one together when there was a knock at the door . " Hello , dearie . " It was Silvia . She had a little pout on her face that I supposed was meant to be a consolation . She scuttled right past me into my room , then turned and took in what I was wearing . " Oh , don 't tell me you 're leaving , too , " she whined . " Honestly , it was nothing . " She wiped the whole incident away with her hand . She sighed . " Yes , three so far . And Maxon , dear boy , told me to let anyone who wants to leave go home . Arrangements are being made as we speak . It 's so funny . It was as if he knew girls would be leaving . If I were in your position , I 'd think twice before leaving over all this nonsense . " " Very good . " She walked over to me and handed me a tiny portable phone . " This is the safest line in the palace . You need to call your family and tell them you 're fine . Don 't take too long , now . I still have a few girls to see . " I marveled at the tiny object . I 'd never actually held a portable phone . I 'd seen them before in the hands of Twos and Threes , but I never thought I 'd get to use one . My hands trembled with excitement . I was going to hear their voices ! " Swara ! Is that you ? Are you okay ? Some guard called to tell us we might not be able to get ahold of you for a few days , and we knew those damn rebels had gotten through . We 've been so scared . " She started crying . I felt so many things . I missed my family , and I was tired of hiding from rebels . I was getting more and more confused over my feelings for Maxon , and I didn 't know how to handle them . The easiest thing to do would be to leave . But still … . Ladoo was quiet for a moment , thinking . " Are you in love with Maxon ? " For a minute I heard the boy - crazy ladoo that I was used to . She 'd be fine . " Swara ! You 're in love with Maxon ! Oh my gosh ! " I heard Papa yelling , " What ? " in the background and then Mumma 's " Yes , yes , yes ! " " Ladoo , I have to go . The others need the phone . But I just wanted you all to know that I 'm okay . I 'll write you soon , I promise . " AMY , FIONA , AND TALLULAH were gone within hours . I wasn 't sure if the speed was due to the efficiency of Silvia or the nerves of the girls . We dropped to nineteen , and it suddenly felt like this was all moving quickly . Still , I couldn 't have predicted how much faster it would become . " Kriss , isn 't this divine ? " I asked as I bit into a piece of star - shaped fruit . I 'd never seen it before I came to the palace . Kriss 's mouth was full , but she nodded in agreement . I felt a warm sense of sisterhood this morning . Now that we had survived a major rebel attack together , it felt like these small bonds had sealed into something unbreakable . Beside Kriss , Emily was passing me honey . Next to me , Tiny was asking where my songbird necklace came from with admiration in her eyes . The atmosphere was that of my family dinners . I suddenly knew , just as Maxon had said his mother had done , that I would contact these girls down the road . I would want to know who everyone married and send them Christmas cards . And in twenty - some - odd years , if Maxon had a son , I 'd call to ask them about their favorite girls in the new Selection . And we 'd remember everything we 'd gone through and laugh about it as if it had been an adventure , not a competition . Oddly enough , the only person in the room who appeared to be distressed was Maxon . He didn 't touch his food but instead gazed up and down the rows of girls with a clear look of concentration on his face . Every once in a while , he paused midthought and seemed to debate with himself over something , and then moved on . When he came to my row , he caught me looking at him and gave me a weak smile . Except for the quick interlude last night , we hadn 't spoken since our argument , and there were things that needed to be said . This time , I needed to be the initiator . With an expression that said it was a request , not a demand , I tugged my ear . His expression remained strained , but he tugged his ear , too . I sighed with relief and found my eyes moving toward the doors of the massive room . As I 'd suspected , another pair of eyes was looking my way . I 'd noticed Laksh when I entered , but I tried not to acknowledge him . Maxon stood up . The sudden movement made his chair screech in a way that drew our collective attention . As we all turned toward him , he looked like he wished he could sit back down unnoticed . Realizing that wasn 't an option , he spoke instead . " Ladies , " he said with a bow of his head . He looked genuinely pained . " I 'm afraid that after yesterday 's attack , I 've been forced to seriously reconsider the operation of the Selection . As you know , three ladies asked to leave yesterday , and I obliged . I wouldn 't want anyone here against their will . Furthermore , I don 't feel comfortable keeping anyone in the palace , facing this constant threat of danger , when I feel confident that we don 't have any sort of future together . " I looked around the room as the hum of complaints rose and fell . Celeste braced herself , as if she could fight for a spot . Bariel had closed her eyes and crossed her fingers , perhaps hoping that image would garner her some sympathy . Ragini , who had admitted that she didn 't care for Maxon , looked incredibly tense . Why did she want to stay so badly ? Ragini breathed out a sigh of relief and put a hand to her chest . Kriss did a happy , fidgety dance in her chair and looked at the girls around her , expecting us to be happy . And I was until I realized that two of the six spots were already gone . With a disagreement hanging between Maxon and me , would he send me home ? Did he not see any future with me ? Did I want him to ? What would I do if I had to go ? " Lady Natalie and Lady Celeste , " he continued , looking at them both in turn . I cringed at Celeste 's name . He couldn 't keep her and not me . I could hardly believe he was keeping her at all . But was that a sign I was going ? We 'd fought about her very presence here . And Lady America . " Maxon looked over at me , and I felt every muscle in my body relax . Tiny started bawling immediately , and she wasn 't alone . Maxon let out a long sigh . " To everyone else , I 'm incredibly sorry , but I hope you all trust me when I say that I meant this to be a good thing for you . I don 't want to raise anyone 's hopes for no reason and risk your life in the process . If anyone who is leaving wants to speak to me , I 'll be in the library down the hall , and you may visit me as soon as you 've finished eating . " Maxon walked out of the room as quickly as he could without running . I watched him until he crossed in front of Laksh , and then my attention was diverted . Laksh 's face was confused , and I knew why . I 'd told him I didn 't love Maxon , so he would have assumed I meant next to nothing to Maxon as well . So why would I be so tense about staying or going ? And why would Maxon want to keep me around ? It was unbearably awkward . Tiny ended up swatting away my hands and running out of the room . I hoped she wouldn 't hold any bitter feelings against me . The rest of the morning was odd . I 'd never really had friends that I would miss . All the occupied rooms on the second floor were open , and girls scurried in and out , passing notes and gathering addresses . We cried together and laughed together , and by the afternoon , the palace had turned into a far more serious place than it was when we came . No one was left in my little wing of the hall , so there was no sound of maids rushing to and fro , or of doors closing . I sat at my table , reading a book as my maids dusted . I wondered if the palace always felt this lonely . The emptiness made me miss my family . Suddenly a knock came at the door . Anne rushed to get it , looking at me to make sure I was prepared for a visitor . I gave her a small nod . They curtsied and giggled . He acknowledged them and turned his eyes to me . I hadn 't realized how eager I was to see him . I stood by the table in a daze . There was more curtsying and giggling , and Anne asked - with a tone that implied near worship of the prince - if she could bring him anything . Maxon declined , and they left us . He had his hands in his pockets . We were silent for a while . " First , let me say I 'm sorry . I shouldn 't have yelled at you . " His voice was completely sincere . " It 's just that some of the committees and my father are already pressuring me in this , and I truly want to be able to make the decision for myself . It was frustrating to run into another situation where my opinion wasn 't being taken seriously . " " Well , you 've seen my choices . Ragini is a favorite with the people , and that cannot be overlooked . Celeste is a very powerful young woman , and she comes from an excellent family to align ourselves with . Natalie and Kriss are charming girls , both very agreeable and favorites of some in my family . Elise happens to have relations in New Asia . Since we 're trying to end this damn war , that is something to take into consideration . I 've been debated down and cornered from every side on this decision . " There was no explanation for me , and I almost didn 't ask for it . I knew that we were friends first and that I had no political uses at all . But I needed to hear the words so I could make the decision for myself . I couldn 't look him in the eye . " And why am I still here ? " My voice was barely above a whisper . I was sure this was going to hurt . In the pit of my stomach I was sure I was only still here because he was too good to break his promise . " Swara , I thought I 'd made myself clear , " Maxon said calmly . He let out a patient sigh and used his hand to nudge up my chin . When I was finally looking into his eyes , he confessed . " If this were a simpler matter , I 'd have eliminated everyone else by now . I know how I feel about you . Maybe it 's impulsive of me to think I could be so sure , but I 'm certain I would be happy with you . " I blushed . I could feel tears rising , but I blinked them away . The expression on his face was so adoring , I didn 't want to miss it . " Then I have to hedge my bets . You may decide to leave , and I will let you go if you do . In the meantime , I have to find a wife . I 'm trying to make the best decision I can within the boundaries I 've been given , but please , don 't doubt for a moment that I care for you . Deeply . " " Maxon ? " I sniffed . " Can you … can you ever forgive - ? " I didn 't get to finish my confession . He came even closer and started sweeping the tears off my face with his strong fingers . " Forgive what ? Our stupid little fight ? It 's already forgotten . Your feelings being a little slower than mine ? I 'm prepared to wait , " he said with a shrug . " I don 't think there 's anything you could do that I couldn 't forgive . Need I remind you of the knee to my groin ? " He shook his head . " They were so fast this time . " Maxon 's voice was full of an aggravated wonder at the talents of the rebels . I suddenly wondered how close to disaster I had come by trying to save my maids . " I 'm getting more and more worried , Swara . North or South , they 're getting exceptionally determined . It seems they won 't stop until they get what they want , and we haven 't the faintest clue what it is . " Maxon looked confused and sad . " I feel like it 's only a matter of time until they destroy someone important to me . " " You know , you still have a choice in this . If you 're afraid to stay , you should say so . " He paused , thinking . " Or if you don 't think you can love me at all , it would be kinder to tell me now . I 'll let you go on your way , and we can part as friends . " I wrapped my arms around him , resting my head against his chest . Maxon seemed both comforted and surprised by the gesture . It took only a second for him to wrap his arms securely around me . He let out a sigh . With my head there against his chest , I could faintly make out the sound of his heart beating through his suit coat . It seemed to be rushing . His hand , gentle as ever , reached to cup my cheek . As I looked into his eyes , I felt that unnameable feeling that was growing between us . With his eyes , Maxon asked for something we 'd both agreed to wait on . I was glad he didn 't want to wait anymore . I gave him a tiny nod , and he bridged the small gap between us , kissing me with unimaginable tenderness . I loved dis epi ! Max n Ames are the best . . When will raglak start ? I have a doubt ? Does rags have any role in those attacks ? No need to answer … Dn 't be sad dear . Every girl has to go to their sasural one day … Even you 'll go one day . . & your sissy will be hppy with your jiju . So dn 't be sad . It was awesome as usual dear . Especially I loved the part when Maxon said if this was a simpler matter aww how sweet . And how he was not able to finish his sentence . And the last one finally another kiss . Now I got what your title meant I thought it in different perspective . Let 's see what happens when Maxon comes to know about laksh . And yeah I could understand ur situation after all I have one sis too they r and always will be a part of us no matter where they r . Don 't worry dear . Nitu Dear , U Hav Done A Fab job . I Loved It . Don 't Worry About Ur Sis . We Can Chat If U Want . I Wonder What Will Happend Next . Post Soon . < 3 Di it was amazing ….?… . I was eagerly waiting for this update … . . Di if you want you can do video chatting with your sister … . Aree wo Celeste ko aapne bahar kyu nahi nikala ? … This was the golden chance … . . If you can update plz update on this Sunday du … . Love you loads ? ? ? ? Hey dont be sad yaar … . Its 21st century yaar u can call her anytime and ther is something called skype … So dont cry dearie . . The chappy was a emotional one … Last part was ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? waiting for the next part nats … . Love ya I know how it feels but don 't be sad , just wish that she stays happy . Abt the chapter I just loved it . can 't express in words . U r just superb |
Finally the first warm Saturday of the year ! Time to get up out of my small hard empty bed , throw on some gym clothes and hit the jogging path . Before I left I choked down a cold pork and leek dumpling with some orange juice and grabbed my iPod and keys . I hit play . Com Truise , the band Zucker and I saw last week in Greenwich Village , made for some great running music . I took off down 18th Avenue towards Gravesend Bay and lost my self in the pure electronic soundscape . Fifteen minutes into the run I was at the water . Thirsty , I longed for a Red Fish Ale , water from the bubbler I spied at the park across the street would suffice though . I paused the music to listen to the waves hit the barrier rocks below me . I saw seagulls pick at the garbage floating amid the otherwise clear water . There were huge ships further out into the bay . I couldn 't let the moment linger much longer though , I had to keep going . Running faster and faster on the asphalt , passing families of Hassidic Jews pushing strollers , dressed head to toe in black traditional wear and Chinese families with their packs of rambunctious little kids running circles around them made for some difficult maneuvering and interesting company . The jogging path goes for miles , I ran two of them at the most . Along it are rather unremarkable sights ; running west I had the bay to my left and the Shore Parkway to my right . The occasional grassy hill gave way to unobstructed views of the highway and the surrounding neighborhood of Bay Ridge . Along the wall separating the path from the water are numerous highly detailed signs explaining how , during a severe storm , the massive pipes below said signs connect the New York City sewer system to the bay where it can dump any overflow from the system in to the water . Lovely . Just think , Coney Island beaches are all but a few miles down stream from the drains . Looks like I won 't be swimming in those I thought . At a corner of the path there were a few benches where people were sitting . One notable character was sitting directly in the sun , wearing a black suit , reading and sweating profusely . I took a seat not too from him and looked out onto the bay . The view was calming . I could see New Jersey in the distance and the Verrazzano bridge towering above me . Taking a moment to reflect , thoughts of spending summer afternoons on the Newport cliffs gazing out onto the Atlantic filled my mind . I wished I could relive those moments now . It was getting late and I was hungry . I jogged my way back to the foot bridge that went over the highway and made my way back up 18th Avenue . People were getting out of church , there were cars everywhere , even parked fully on the sidewalks . Further up the avenue the crowds of people got more dense . I saw an ambulance up ahead one block from me . There was a group of people standing around an old lady who had apparently fallen . I felt bad for her and wondered what happened . Closer to my apartment I saw the police pull a lady over for no apparent reason . There was no way she could have been speeding as I was easily keeping up with the traffic on foot . I figured he was probably just trying to get his quota for the day . " Well it was like this ; " she stammered , " I had just got the mail around 2 , right after Jessica got in . I was glancing through what we got and noticed a letter from our bank . It was addressed to Steve and me , so I opened it up and read it carefully . It read , ' Dear Mr . & Mrs . Steve Crawly , this letter is to inform you that your checking account , number 1230 - 4560 - 789 , has been overdrawn by $ 2 , 349 . 69 . This debt must be settled as soon as possible . Please contact John Wainright , Sovereign Bank branch Manager at 508 595 - 2000 x12 as soon as possible to prevent action by the collection agency . Thank you for your promptness . ' " At that I called Steve on his cell phone but it was not on so I left a message telling him to call me as soon as he gets this message . Well he never called back and I became angry so once he came in the door I yelled at him . He yelled back and we started to fight . I had made myself a drink before he came in to calm my self but it didn 't work . I asked him about the overdraft on the checking account but he would not tell me what it was , saying only that ' he would take care of it . ' I told him he has to tell me what all that money was for but he refused and began to scream at me , yelling it was none of my business and accusing me of spending the money . I screamed at him and he took his beer bottle and threw it at my face where it hit me right here , " as she pointed to the bloody cut and bruise on her left cheek , " and he stormed out . " " Well it 's not the first time we 've been and it hasn 't worked out . Plus he thinks that Dr . Shekenhousen is an idiot any way . He never really listened to her anyway . " Kevin gave his mother another hug and walked with Tony down to his room in the basement . Tony took a seat on the bed after clearing a bunch of car magazines off it and looked down at the messy floor . " Damn kid , you gotta clean this room up . It 's a friggin mess . " Kevin didn 't respond as he sat at his computer typing away to one of his friends online . " Dude so what are we doing tonight ? " Kevin and Tony went out with Mike later on that night and played some pool for a few hours . After they got back Kevin went to bed and Tony stayed up talking to Kevin 's mother because she was begging for attention again ( i . e . balling her eyes out - Kevin was sick of hearing about his mother 's problems but Tony felt bad and volunteered to be her shoulder to cry on ) . After talking to her for a couple hours Steve pulled up in his pickup truck . He stumbled in the door and glared into the kitchen where Tony was leaning against the counter facing Kevin 's mother . Both of them stared at each other with a look that of dread and shock . Neither Tony nor Kevin 's mother had expected Steve to come home , especially because it was close to three in the morning . She thought he would have spent the night at the Boston motel room his company provided for him . Steve swaggered up to Tony 's face ; the smell of alcohol on his breath was overpowering and made Tony shudder . Infuriated at his arrogance , Steve punched Tony in the face , just missing his left eye . Tony swung at him and knocked Steve back , causing him loose his balance . Tony kicked him in the stomach and Steve fell back onto the floor . Before he could get up Tony ran out the door and got into his car . Steve chased him down the driveway but could not catch up as Tony 's Porsche sped away from the house . He was having trouble seeing out of his eye as it started to swell up so he pulled over in the parking lot down the street from Kevin 's house , parking in a dark corner near a bunch of trees at the back of the lot . Just then Tony heard the squealing of tires as a vehicle turned its bright lights upon his car . It was Steve 's truck . Tony got a rush of adrenaline and put his car into gear . He sped off , sliding the rear end of the car onto the main road and gunned it to the highway . He had a close call with a semi as he cut it off while getting on the ramp for the interstate . Steve 's truck followed in pursuit and kept up surprisingly well . Tony was low on gas and didn 't want to go too fast but had no choice as Steve 's truck gained on him and tapped his rear bumper . Tony had to steady the car as it lost control momentarily and started to skid . Steve pulled along side him and slammed his truck into Tony 's door causing him to jerk the wheel to the right . The car fishtailed for a few hundred feet until Tony got it back under control right before coming close to hitting the guard rail . Steve had pulled in front of Tony and blocked him from passing . Tony swerved left and right trying to sneak past the large gray truck but could not get around . Finally Tony saw a tractor trailer in the center lane and decided to use it to his advantage ; he waited until they both came up behind it and then jerked his car to the left , Steve mimicked the move and blocked Tony on the left of the trailer . Then Tony quickly turned the wheel to the right and slammed on the gas . Steve didn 't have enough time to react and got caught on the other side of the big rig . Tony matched speed with the trailer and lost sight of Steve . With an exit ramp quickly approaching Tony prepared to pull of , unfortunately Steve ended up in front of him again . Steve slammed on his breaks and Tony , caught off guard , could not slow down fast enough and swerved to avoid rear ending the truck . Tony 's brakes locked up and he could not steer . He had no control as his car skidded into the guard rail and bounced off across the highway onto the grassy ditch in the center median . The car spun several times before flipping over as it slid down the embankment and ended up on its roof . A state trooper who had been advised of the car chase was speeding down the highway searching for the two reported vehicles . He noticed some long skid marks that led to a smashed guard rail and zigzagged for several hundred feet more . The trooper put on his spot light as he slowed down in the left lane and followed the skid marks to the ditch where Tony 's smoking Porsche lied turned over . The trooper immediately got out of his cruiser and called for a rescue and a fire truck . Sprinting down the embankment he looked for anyone inside the wreck . He spotted Tony pinned inside the car and shone his flashlight on the unconscious driver . Several minutes later the fire and rescue pulled up alongside the median . One of the firefighters tried to extract Tony from the car but could not do it alone . He had to cut off the crumpled door of the Porsche to pull Tony 's body out . He was then rushed to the nearby hospital and put into the trauma unit . Tony received twenty five stitches on his head and had a broken arm and three fractured lower ribs . Luckily there was no internal bleeding or rupturing of organs . Meanwhile Steve sped up the highway en route to Boston in a rage . He was weaving his goliath truck through the thick traffic just outside the city ; recklessly passing people , and furiously gesturing at innocent slow pokes that were too busy chatting on their cell phones to notice his high beams flashing ; instructing them move out of his way . Once into the city Steve meandered his way through out the cold dark streets . After about a half hour of city driving he parked his truck in front of a green and yellow three story house . There were spot lights that flashed on as he walked with in the range of their motions detectors . The lights illuminated the barred windows and chipping paint on the façade of the ghetto crib . The front yard consisted of two 5 ′ x 5 ′ patches of dirt with little tufts of dead grass poking up and a cracked concrete path leading up to the creaky wooden stairs . Steve rang the door bell and waited until a short dark skinned young lady in a bath robe answered the door . She opened the door just a crack to see who it was , the chain that locked the door preventing any further opening . " Eva , it 's me , " Steve said , his breath still smelling of alcohol . " I need a place to stay for the night , I , I , " he stuttered , " I just got into a fight with ' The Bitch ' again , she kicked me out , " he replied in an exasperated voice . " So can I come in ? It 's pretty cold out here ya know . " Steve walked into the dark narrow hall and followed Eva up to the second floor of the house to her apartment . Her living room was small ; just a brown love seat and an old recliner which her roommate was asleep in filled the room . The furniture faced an old big screen TV that was tucked into the corner . The old lime green carpet was covered in cat hair and the room stunk of urine and cigarettes . Steve laughed briefly and took a seat , fixing his gaze on the fat cat sitting a top the TV . He took the remote off the end table between the love seat and the recliner and changed the channel to ESPN . A few minutes later Eva poked her head into the living room and told Steve to come into her room . Eva 's room was equally as small as the living room but was a cleaner and didn 't smell like cat piss . There were some scented candles burning by the window and some soft music playing in the background . She told Steve to lie face down on the bed so she could give him a massage . She took some scented oil from her dresser and rubbed some on her hands , and then began to gently work Steve 's tense back muscles . The following morning Steve got up and left Eva 's . Sunday morning traffic in Boston was light compared to the previous nights . He drove back to his house and pulled into the driveway just as his wife was backing her Volvo out of the garage , presumably going to church . Once they stop giving out free wine at mass she won 't be going for sure , Steve thought as he waved to his unresponsive wife . He walked into the house once he parked and picked up the paper off the front porch . Steve went up to his bed room and changed out of his clothes . He took a quick shower and went back down stairs to the kitchen to fix him self some breakfast . He called for the kids to come to breakfast but they were still asleep . Steve took his plate of sausage and eggs and plopped himself in front of the tube , turning on ESPN . The police had arrived at the hospital in the afternoon , and waited to question Tony once he regained consciousness . He woke up to the doctor 's relief around two in the afternoon on Sunday . " Anthony , Anthony , " the nurse said to him , noticing his previously static eyes begin to flutter open . The nurse looked toward the doctor in the room , " I think he 's coming around , " she said . The doctor went to Tony 's side and tried to speak to him , " Anthony , you are in Memorial hospital in Attleboro Massachusetts . You were in a car accident but are okay now . " The doctor backed away and gave Tony time to respond . His eyes opened suddenly and he began to move his lips to speak . He cleared his throat and asked the doctor what day it was . The doctor replied , " Sunday , today is Sunday , December 20 , 2002 . " Several hours passed and a police officer came into Tony 's hospital room . Tony was eating his fine hospital style dinner of roast beef and whipped potatoes with a chincy side of delectable gravy and cranberry sauce . The cop sat down and introduced himself and began asking Tony all about the previous night and about Steve . He recanted the events he could remember to the cop and asked if they found Steve . Once Tony provided the police officer with all the information they needed to apprehend Steve the cop left . Tony sat upright in the hospital bed and watched an old movie on the TV hung from the ceiling in front of him . Around eight in the evening there was a soft knock on the door . " Come in , " he said . " Anthony , my god , are you all right ? " his mother said in a surprised and concerned voice as she burst in the room . His father and younger brother followed her and took a seat by the window while his mother went to give him a big hug . Tony cringed in pain as his mother squeezed him in her powerful embrace . " Well your father was speaking to the police . They came over the house once they left here . So they held us up asking all their stupid questions . " Tony sighed and began to tell the story yet again . After he was done his parents left and went to speak to the nurse , asking her when he would be released and what kind of injuries he sustained . The nurse told them that he would be released by tomorrow morning and that he should take it easy for the next week . The injuries were not bad but still needed to be given time to heal properly . Early the next morning Tony 's father came to the hospital to pick him up . During the short ride home his father told him that the family had decided to press charges on Steve and his family . Tony really wasn 't surprised at this decision and asked his father if he had called their family lawyer . His father said he was going to take care of everything on Monday . Upon arriving at his son 's house he instructed Tony to stop by the house on Monday where they would decide what to do about the situation . Later on that night Tony was watching a movie in his room . His cell phone rang suddenly , it was Kevin . " Hey buddy , what 's up ? " " Oh I see , " Tony said . " Well tell her it 's all right to come over . I don 't mind , just make sure she doesn 't come too late , I have to get up early to take care of some business . " " Well I 'll just give you a general synopsis ; Saturday night your father came by after you went to bed . I was talking to your mother and he stormed in the house . He started a fight with me because he was drunk and probably thought I was having an affair with her or something . So anyways he hit me and I hit back . I ran to my car and sped off after I thought I knocked him out . Turns out he followed me and we got into a crazy car chase on I - 295 . " He started to hit me with his truck and ended up causing me to flip over . I went to the hospital , yada , yada , yada , and now I 'm fine . " Tony continued on telling Kevin about what was going to happen and conversed for almost an hour before hanging up . New York City is a ready - made home for music lovers looking to experience something new . Their scene is so eclectic , and yet it gives every band and artist a place to peacock . Greenwich Village is one of those places , a hotspot for music , and it 's there my notes began . My bus from Boston dropped me off in the heart of Chinatown , and I waited , leaning on a newspaper kiosk at the corner of Canal and Bowery , scanning the countless passing faces for my friend , Lapre , to meet me after work . He , like me , wouldn 't pass up a show like this . Le Poisson Rouge ( The Red Fish ) is a great venue . It looks like a nightclub , and its basement feels like a trendy jazz club . The tables were cleared out for standing room only , and yet , having arrived there when the doors opened , we dropped our gear at a standing bar table near the VIP lounge , and began to marinade on Red Fish IPA and colorful lights blanketing a slowly - growing audience . The show started for Com Truise , and the club was quarter full . I could tell right off ( but was surprised ) that he was the opening act . I 'm familiar with his work , and recognize it as the night begins . He breaks into something new that flows with his style of heavy percussion and synth waves . This is future electronic music . He improvises on the machines , even though it is an orchestrated piece . Lapre compares it to a modem and a drum , and I laugh . He grooves to his own music as he plays on stage , and on occasion he looks back at the wall , covered with visualizations . A song plays with reverberating alarms , and dissipates to a rolling thunder of applause . A set of hieroglyphs flash on the massive screen , and I try to grasp what they mean . A sun rises over a polygon mountain . A pair of Italian women talk under the music at a table in front of us , smiling and laughing with big Italian smiles . I 've heard this one before . He is in his groove now , and more people have filled the club . A couple people dance by themselves as the heavy song and vibrant visuals coat us listeners in an odd , electronic fog . I seldom consider how prepared these guys are , especially when they run into something at 150BPM and they tap - tap - tap away on music machines , turning knobs and blending track after track . He made it look easy . A quick intermission allowed me to meet Com Truise after the show and simply thank him for the great show . He was chatting with a couple that met him before I did , so there was an awkward standby moment in front of them as I waited for my chance to interrupt . " Hey man , great show , I 'm glad I came out for it . " He was happy to hear it , thanked me , and we shook hands before I made my way back into the club . The next act , Millionyoung , was setting up , and it was only 10pm . I ordered another Red Fish IPA . Millionyoung was a discovery that resonated with me ever after . They explode from the start in bursts of electro indie flavors comparable to Animal Collective . They open with a track that reverbs harmonic vocals and melodic , beat - infused guitar rock . There is an atmospheric quality in the results , something apt for beach - side parties . They certainly know how to get a crowd moving and cheering . There is energy brewing in their music , and it bubbles over in vocals sweetened by reverberating delays . They use it well , and my head bangs . If Cut Copy heard this last song , they 'd probably go along with the groove . Their sequences of synth , pop , and rock highlight an ambient quality in their vocals . A lady sits alone between us and the Italians , drinking a glass of Vodka neat , and she bobs her head to the beat . The band comes together in a cavalcade of sounds , and despite the odd delay , the vocals really make it great . We applauded as they collected their things and left the stage . I found them after the show and talked with them briefly , mentioning I traveled from Boston to see the show . They were flattered , and I gave them my card in case there was a chance to see them play in Boston . I had no idea they were playing the following night at Brighton Music Hall , but it wouldn 't have been the same kind of show . I shook their hands and thanked them for the great show , and made my way back into the club . Another Red Fish IPA , and I sit in wait for the final act of the night . The club was full as Rubblebucket took to the stage . They completely blew the top off any preconception I had . They explore the space around us with harmonic energy . The horns and natural melody in their music bring everything together in a funky groove . They 're beats are uplifting , juxtaposed against afro - like themes and eye - closing harmonies . The crowd was clapping and jamming along , and so was I . The Italians left their table to join the dancing masses , and the lady alone grooves even harder than before in the barstool in front of us . Someone threw a bra on - stage , and everyone was chanting " Happy Holidays ! " between songs . The trumpet player did a stage - dive , and everyone was loving it . I want to know what this song is ; it has a happy groove to it , slow but in step with a confident satisfaction . I smile as the vocals take on a jazzy instrumentation , ushering in a breakdown revival of ska and funk . The singer has a great voice that reminds me of Bjork and Sister Nancy . Her melody inspires a state of jam that feels like it could go on for much longer . Thankfully , I think I found the right track , and posted a video for it below . The show was over late , and Lapre and I were well - off with our drinks before the night came to a close . He had to get up in a few hours to go to work in Manhattan , and yet that didn 't seem to bother him . In the closing notes of the night , I remember the long train ride home , and the pit stop for munchies , handing over my few remaining dollars to impatient ethic men wearing uniforms and hats . Sitting at Lapre 's kitchen counter , we ate snails from their shells and chased them with sweets , while sipping Glenmorangie scotch and rehashing the night 's encounters . I told Lapre about my conversations with the artists I talked to , and he helped me conceptualize the sounds we heard in words that made sense - it 's a hard thing to do when you 've never heard music like this before . I only hope for your sake , you get what I mean . " Yea don 't worry about it , you know me … I 'm always on time , " he said reassuringly and hung up . Tony looked at Luis , who was measuring out one - gram amounts of white powder and placing them in little baggies , " hey listen buddy , I gotta go pick Kevin up for work , " he said to him . " We 'll get back at the usual time so be ready when we get back so we are not late . " Tony walked out the door toward his bright red Porsche 911 Carrera 4 , a gift from his father for high school graduation . He got in the car and threw his gym bag with a change of clothes in the back seat and started up the engine . Deciding to show off to some girls across the street , he revved the engine and spun the rear tires of the car so as to make a lot of tire smoke and left two fat skid marks on the pavement . The three girls didn 't appear to be that impressed at all with Tony 's showing off and glared at him with disapproval . He disregarded the girls ' admonishment and sped off to pick up Kevin . Tony arrived at Kevin 's around 5 : 30 and stopped in the house for a bit . Kevin 's mother was sitting in the living room watching a re - run of Martha Stewart and munching on a sandwich , " Hi Tony , " she said , not even looking away from the TV . " Kevin is down in his room and will be up shortly , go and make your self something to eat in the kitchen while you wait , okay . " " Anthony , I 'm going to have you go upstairs to the fifth floor tonight and keep Mrs . O ' Connor company . She is a very nice woman ; I think you will enjoy each other 's company . You can find her in room number … 505 I think , her name will be on the door in case I am mistaken , " the little nun said softly . " All right kid , have fun down here , peace . " And the elevator doors closed . Tony thought about the last person he had to keep company on the fifth floor . It was this blind Russian lady who could not stop talking about how she thought she could see angles and talk to her dead cat named Fluffy . Four hours of that was just too much for one person to handle so he just left periodically to talk to Kristy , a young and attractive nurse down the hall . Mrs . O ' Connor was in her late 80 's and had come over to the United States from Northern Ireland only a few years ago . She came to live with her son who lived in Boston in order to escape the fighting going on but she got sick soon after moving over here and had to be put in a home . Despite being lonely most of the time she still seemed to be in good spirits . She was happy with her Lifetime channel and her tea . Tony looked around her small room and studied some old pictures of Ireland and her family crest that hung by the only lit table lamp in the room . Her TV was muted and she was listening to some old music that sounded like it was from the 1930 's . Time went faster as they started a conversation about how life was in Ireland and about how things were in the past and soon it was time to leave . On his was back to the elevator Tony talked to Kristy a little more , still trying to convince her to dump her boyfriend and go out with him . After getting shot down again he brushed it off and smiled while walking away toward the elevator 's open doors . He then went to the locker room to go and change into some different clothes and met up with Kevin . After work they drove to their house in Providence to meet up with Luis . They had VIP passes for Club Xtacy that night and there was a special performance being put on by " dj PHAT Joe " out of London so they didn 't want to be late . Luis was waiting in his shiny black Escalade . The light from the Porsche 's headlights twinkled on the Caddy 's polished rims as Tony pulled up next to Luis . Tony parked and got in Luis ' truck with Kevin . It was 10 : 45 and the show began at 11 so they sped down the highway into downtown Providence . Luckily the majority of the traffic had dissipated by the time they arrived in the heart of the city . Indeed most of the people who normally would have clogged the streets in their cars were coagulating in front of Xtacy . At least 1 , 000 people were crowded in the street . The police had the whole block closed off and were riding on horseback to keep the crowd in order . Luis showed his VIP pass to one of the police officers and was allowed to drive through the crowd to the front of the massive club . The trademark red neon " X " stretched vertically 4 stories to the top of the building , casting a red glow on Tony and his crew as they exited their vehicle parked in front of the club . Velvet ropes parted as VIP passes were flashed and the trio became immersed in the ocean of pounding bass and beautiful people . Multi colored lasers lit up the inside of the expansive club as they penetrated the smoke that filled the main room , and rhythmically pulsated to the beat of the overpowering music of the sound system . They walked up to the main bar and paused to watch two girls , almost nude , dancing suggestively with each other on the elevated mini stage in the center of the circular bar . Tony ordered three shots of Bacardi Limón and gave one to Luis and one to Kevin . After having a drink they went to their reserved section toward the back of the club . It took several minutes to plow through the sweaty mass of people already inside the club and on the dance floor . Two bouncers stood at the entrance to the roped off section and checked their VIP passes in order let them through . Once inside the private lounge they closed the purple curtains to the room and looked for any cameras or false mirrors . When the coast was clear they sat down on leather easy chairs around a table with a chilled bottle of champagne sitting in an ice bucket . " Yea , hold on . " Luis took out a slim silver case and placed it on the table . He opened it up to reveal a small amount of white powder wrapped in plastic wrap . He took out the little package to reveal a small spoon and a razor blade resting on top of a mirror . Luis cut up a nice line and snorted it up with vigor . " Here ya go , " Luis said , wiping his nose clean . Tony did two lines and passed it back to Luis . He wiped off his nose and took down a half glass of champagne as Luis snorted the last bit off the mirror and put everything back into the case . " Some good shit right there kid , " Tony said , leaning back in his chair with his hands clasped together behind his head . Almost instantly the drug kicked in and a cocaine induced rush of self - confidence whisked Tony and Luis to the dance floor to find some girls . For a at least and hour they were grinding with any female with in sight , periodically returning to their VIP booth to do another line or to get a blow job from the girls they had brought back with them . Kevin was enjoying his champagne quietly during all of this but still managed to get a lap dance ( a complimentary service of the club for VIP members ) from some German girl named Nadine ; he managed to see more of Nadine later that night after she got off her shift at the club . Club Xtacy was not a strip club , but it sure seemed like it tonight . The guest DJ had girls getting up on the stage in front of his booth ; making out and taking one another 's clothes off for free drinks and CD 's . Tony managed to push through the crowd of horny men gathered around the stage and got one of the girls to come back to the VIP with him by flashing his pass to one of them and motioned his hand in a come here fashion . Surprisingly Tony didn 't see Kevin when he returned to the booth and figured he must be off on the dance floor somewhere . He closed the curtains to the entrance once again and took out some more coke that Luis had given to him , placing the baggy on the table . Then he moved toward the girl , whose name was Stacy , and slowly pulled off her shirt and told her to lie down on the couch in the back of the room . Almost obediently she did as he told and sprawled out as instructed . Tony walked over to her and placed a small amount of snow - white powder on her naked torso . Meticulously he formed a single line of coke that stopped just inches from her navel and snorted the line and then proceeded to kiss her the rest of the way down . Luis and Kevin conveniently burst into the room just a few moments before things between Tony and Stacy got too intimate . " Hey dude you should have seen this kid , " Luis said with his arm around the totally drunk Kevin . " He was dancing with these two girls on by the bar and then all of a sudden this big black dude comes up and taps him on the shoulder and says , ' those girls are with me cracka , get the fuck off ! ' and then Kevin just ran like a little girl , all scared and shit . Dude it was the funniest thing ! " Yea , well … I know , god damn it , you guys have the best timing you know that , " Tony shot back . " All right lets get out of here . " He gave Stacy a kiss on the cheek , " Thanks babe , call me sometime all right . " And he left with his friends . Upon leaving Kevin caught up with Nadine , who was waiting for him at the coat check . She walked him to the back of the club where her car was parked outside . " Get in , " she said , " we 'll go to my place … oh and this one won 't cost you anything either . " The drunken Kevin obediently sat in the passenger seat and they drove a few blocks to the Renatta apartment high - rise . They went up to her room on the twelfth floor and wasted no time getting to their nightly activities . After an hour of getting down they decided that they needed some food . Kevin called Tony on the cell and arranged to meet them at Denny 's where he was already waiting with Luis . The cold night air was a refreshing feeling as Tony and Luis left the intense heat of the club . Sweat from their forehead dried up once the frigid air hit their faces as they walked down the streets . There were taxis parked all down the street waiting for the other clubbers who needed a ride after parting too much . Car horns were blaring because a car stalled in the middle of the busy street . Hundreds of people were pouring out of the clubs and bars , all inebriated from a night of fun . Police on horse back were riding in pairs down the main street in front of the brightly lit theater , and the hypnotizing sound of the horse 's hooves clip clopping down the cobble stone streets of Providence . All the sounds around of the city were stifled and seemed muted to Tony and Luis . Their ears had been punished for hours by the thumping and unrelenting bass of the sound system in the club . Luis retrieved his SUV from the valet and made his way out of the city . An hour had passed and Tony and Luis had finally pulled in to Denny 's parking lot . Kevin called just as they left the vehicle and arranged to meet them with Nadine at the diner . Tony burst through the double doors , " Cassie ! " he yelled . Cassie was a waitress there who had known him for some time . They went to high school together and even dated for some time before they broke up . She cheated on Tony with another guy from school and ended up getting pregnant as a result . After that they lost touch shortly after Cassie dropped out of school . Several years later they met again through a friend of his who had re - introduced them while eating late at Denny 's . Tony felt bad for her after he had heard what her life had become after she dropped out and decided to be friends with her once again . Twenty minutes later Kevin walked in with a tall brunette , presumably Nadine and found Tony 's booth . Kevin was still pretty drunk but at least could walk straight at this point . Nadine had a strong German accent and told them all about how she was only 18 years old and had just come to America as an exchange student . She was studying culinary arts at JWU in Providence and was also a dancer . She did not work at the club because she needed extra money but just because she loved to dance ( all of which the guys didn 't buy for one second ) . After they finished their late night munchies Tony sat and chatted with Cassie while Kevin sat in the SUV with Luis , telling him about his time with Nadine . Nadine went home and left her number with Kevin ; but he threw it in the trash on the way out the door . Tony finished up with Cassie and they also exchanged numbers so they could keep in touch . Luis drove them back to their house in Providence once Tony joined them in the SUV and they all slept until late in the afternoon on Saturday . When they pulled them selves out of bed they had to do some major cleaning before they left for the weekend . Luis was going up to visit his girlfriend in Boston and Kevin had work on Sunday night so he was going home . Tony was Kevin 's ride home because his car was in the shop and wouldn 't be ready until Monday so they left for North Attleboro once the cleaning was finished . It was dark by the time they reached Kevin 's house and both of them walked up the dark driveway toward the quaint house . Suddenly , a man yelling , and glass breaking shattered the silence and Kevin 's father stormed out of the house , slamming the door and got into his truck and sped off . Kevin and Tony were both tired and didn 't really want to deal with what ever was happening but never the less they ran toward the house , stunned and intrigued to find out what had just happened . The two opened the door and looked around the dimly lit kitchen . Kevin 's mother was face down on the kitchen table crying , a half empty bottle of vodka at her side . By her feet was a broken highball glass with vodka and ice spilt on the floor . Kevin noticed a broken beer bottle and several empty beer cans on the counter amidst a mess of dirty dishes and more broken glass . His mother , still crying put her head up to reveal a large cut on her cheek . There were dried tears and smudged mascara all mingled together underneath her eyes . A bruise was starting to form where she had been cut with a broken bottle . |
My life has always been one of shadows . I was born in Sweden and at the age of nine my dad moved us to South Florida when my moder passed away . I loved my father but he was difficult to live with after my mor died . I withdrew into myself but excelled at everything I did . I was an A + student and I was very good at sports . I excelled at soccer and ice hockey but I still didn 't have the approval I sought after from my father Peder . So instead of making friends like most kids do I made sure I had his approval in the sports I loved and my academics . When I reached high school I had only one true friend Jake Purifoy . His family was included in that friendship but Jake was always there for me . It was his adoptive father Russell who showed us how to shoot a gun when we were thirteen and he would take us to the range every weekend . I found one more thing I excelled at , shooting a rifle with a scope . The range master told me I should try on sharp shooting , so I did which lead me into the JROTC at school . There I made the marksmanship team along with Jake and found my love of the military . It was in my sophomore year that my father was killed in a car accident on his way home from work and I was in fear that I would be sent into foster care but Russell stepped up and told them he would be my guardian and make sure I was taken care of . The fact was that I spent more time at Russell 's house than I did my own . Like I said my father was difficult to live with . It was a bit different living with Russell , Jake and Pam but I loved them like they were my own family and when my father 's Will was finally read six months later they were all there for me . It appeared I had come into a bit of an inheritance upon my father 's death but most of it was in Sweden so Russell told me we would make a trip out there in the summer and find out how I could bring the money back to Florida with me . He said he would make sure a trust was set up for me and that way I could get to the money upon my eighteenth birthday . He told me he did not mind taking care of me , I was already his son in his heart and that was all that mattered , I was not a bother or an added expense . It was upon hearing that statement that I knew in my heart Russell was more of a father to me than Peder had been . It was the first time I has actually thought I belong to anything , especially a loving family . It did not matter if I was blood or not , what mattered was I was cared for . I knew Russell had adopted both Jake and Pam and let them keep their legal names so I knew if I had asked he would have adopted me too . I didn 't ask that of him , but I knew if I did he would not turn me down . That man had more heart and love to give than the three of us would ever use up . When he sat us all down and told us he was gay , Pam looked at him and told him we already know that daddy why have you been hiding it . We are not ashamed of you and you should not be ashamed of how you feel . It was about a month later he introduced us to his long time lover Talbot and we asked him when he was moving in . It wasn 't always easy for any of us the next two years of school , Jake would be teased by others about his dad but we stood up to them together . It was during our senior year that our mentor Colonel Flood asked us what we planned on doing after we graduated . We told him we thought of the military and / or the police force . He sat us down and told us that he approved of both of our choices but the smart move would be the military first and he would recommend us as sharp shooters or snipers . He knew that both of us could be in the same unit if we approached the recruiter correctly and with his help . Once we got out it would be a simple move into the police department of our choice with our background already set up . Boot camp was easier than I thought it would be since we went during the fall to Parris Island . The summer would have been hell , the chiggers and sand fleas were the size of wasps and I think in the summer they must have been bigger . Once we got out of boot camp with our ranks already pre - ordained as Corporals due to our ranks following us from the JROTC , we then went onto sniper school in Oklahoma . We learned a lot more than we already knew , distance training , woods training , mountain training , wind training , the list goes on but by the time the Marines were done training us we were ready for the Gulf War . We got stationed over seas rather quickly since we were both snipers and we went in with our ranks , we were not privates as everyone else but as officers . She was a Marine but for operations only ; she was a secretary to one of the Generals in the Forward Operating Base so she never saw any actions and for that I was thankful ; she was not a woman made for combat . It was during my last year at the base that I bumped into her after a meeting , we got along great and she knew I was a military man in my heart . We had talked about my career in the military and I told her I would be moving on to Oklahoma with Jake for us to be sniper instructors at the school there , it was a dream we wanting to live out , train the newbie 's to be the best they could be . We would leave the action as LT Colonels and we were on the top of our game . It was right before we left for the states that she told me she was pregnant , I knew I could not abandon her and I asked her to go with me so I could take care of her and the baby . Her exact words were , " Are you Fucking NUTS ! " That was when I realized she was a psychopath ; she didn 't give a shit about me or my child . But it was too late for that realization and I be damned if I was going to ignore my child once he / she was born . It was then that she gave me an ultimatum , not a good one either . Either I leave the Marines at once or once she had the baby she would ship it off to her parents to care for . I still had another 5 years of my enlistment since I re - upped when I was given the opportunity . It is not that I didn 't want to be in my child 's life but she was not being cooperative in my desires and dreams either . Maybe I was being an ass but once your enlisted and you have time left you have to serve that time , not say " Sorry Dude but my woman wants me out " , no it doesn 't work that way . When she had the baby in Germany I was there for his birth . I asked again for her to come with me but she said NO Fucking Way , Hunter was her ticket out of the damn Marines . I never understood why she enlisted in the first place until I met her parents . Who so happened to be there for Hunter 's birth as well . Her parents were overbearing but said they would take care of her child for her . They knew she could not handle being a parent and they told me they would take care of Hunter and I could have visitation whenever I was in Nevada . Nevada , when the fuck would I be in Nevada . Felipe and Arlene de Castro were as bad as their daughter but I agreed to it because I thought Hunter would be better off . He was more or less in the beginning , he wanted for nothing and every chance I got I would visit him or take him on vacation . We had a few long talks and I told him that once I got settled in Florida with a job after I was out of the Marines he would be my top priority . I still visited him as much as possible . The one thing I hated was Freyda never spoke to her son or asked her parents how he was doing ; it broke my heart that she was so cold to him . But it made me grateful that I never gave into her ultimatum . Where would we be now ? Once I was out of the Marine 's I got a job with the BSO ( Broward Sheriff 's Office ) with a position on the SWAT Team . I knew I could not have Hunter with me yet since my hours were shitty and I wanted him with me however I could have him there , so I had him come down to my condo in Coconut Creek as often as he could . Five more years passed and he became a young adult who wanted to live with me not his maternal grandparents . I contacted a lawyer who said I needed a more stable life and the only option I had was undercover police officer at the time so I asked for a transfer . I know it wasn 't the most stable but I had the rank of Lieutenant and I knew because of that rank I would not have to go out into the field as much ; I was to be used as a detective for all the undercover work being done and it was daytime work . I was good with that and once it was approved Jake asked to be transferred too , he met a woman whom he thought was the one but it didn 't work out . The woman he did get was his sister who lost her husband over in the war . I knew it had to do with the court battle of two years and me taking so long to get custody of him but it also had to do with his grandparents . They were trying to turn him against me , he didn 't want to be there any longer and I didn 't blame him . I pushed the lawyer to get him out of the bad situation he was in . It was going to take more time which I had but I didn 't think Hunter would last ; he needed the safety net of me and my love , not the overbearing assholes he lived with . As it was he was a teenager and puberty was kicking in . The fucking kicker to all of this was that I was no longer allowed visitation because they told the court I was a flight risk . Flight risks my ass they were afraid I wouldn 't return him as mandated by the court . I was NOT going to loose this battle and I was NOT going to give them ammunition against me . So I went another year without seeing my son in person . The only time I saw him was if we had a court date . It was killing me not to see him , we had made such strides in our relationship and I was afraid he was going to resent me for not trying harder . But we called each other at least once a week so it kept us in contact . Russell was my rock during this time , he told me to keep fighting , my son knew that I loved him and that was what mattered the most . While all this was going on I decided that the condo was not a place for us to live a good life and the lawyer agreed so I bought us a nice home in a great neighborhood and had it remolded to my liking and I asked Hunter what he wanted his room to look like . All he would tell me is that he wanted an aquarium and I went with it . Not only would his bed have an aquarium but I found a sink for his bathroom as well . Expense was not an option . After I moved in I saw her walking these huge dogs every morning and night . The dogs were beautiful and I would wave at her to be cordial . I was unsure if she knew it was me since my windows had such a dark tint on them . However , she waved back when she did notice . It was the evening before Thanksgiving when I thought I caught sight of her while I was shopping , in actuality it was her mom . If that is what my angel will look like in her 50 's I was all for it . Her mom was just a beautiful as she was . I told her mom to tell her I said hi but I didn 't mention my name . But the one thing I did notice as I walked away was that same bewildered look Sookie had as my ass walked away from her . Like daughter Like mother , I had to chuckle . The day after Thanksgiving I was finishing up moving my stuff around the house when Jake and Joseph arrived . Apparently Pam had gone out shopping with her new BFF , Sookie . I chuckled , how many Sookie 's can there possibly be . I was hoping to meet her and her family but we got called in early ; you see on the holidays Jake and I opted to get OT on the SWAT team so the guys who had families could spend time with them . We knew sooner or later we would have families to tend to so for the time being we helped out when we could . However when we arrived at the location they told us all to go home , the situation was taken care of . Can you say that our timing sucked , I can ? As I was getting home I noticed her family packing up into two cars and leaving , I was upset since I was hoping to go over and introduce myself . Well I guess another day . It seemed like FATE was working against us . The following week I met her friend Alcide apparently her gran and parents went back to Louisiana after the holiday and he stayed behind to visit . Alcide was a nice enough guy and we talked for a while , he was outside watching her kids play across the street at the neighbor 's house since she was working . He told me more information then I needed to know or that he already thought I knew about her since we were neighbors since Sookie was so social ; but it was a way for me to get to know her without her being there and apparently I was not too shy to ask him questions about her . He didn 't seem to mind me asking him questions about her and the kids but he asked if we could go in the house a minute and bring the dogs out to stretch their legs . I was cool with that and I got to finally meet her dogs , they were gorgeous and well behaved and the big one leaned against me to pet him . Alcide told me he liked me and that 's how he showed it . Okay I was good with that , they would know me and not fear me . He told me about her past and what had happened with her husband and how he died and how she felt she needed a fresh start and that fresh start was away from her family but she was doing well despite the distance . She had his support and she had her neighbors support when she needed it . He even told me that he had asked her several times to marry him but she always turned him down . This last time he asked which was two days ago , all she would say is FRIEND ZONE and he would miss the ogling he got from other women . Like I said he was a nice guy and it was lunch time so he called for the kids to come over and I was introduced . I told them if they ever needed me and if I was home do not hesitate to knock . They all told me okay and went into the house . As I walked over to the house I could hear one of the dogs in the back yard growling but when I got to the front door Cleo was sitting there just inside the broken frame . She was in guard mode but walked over to me and licked my hand ; I petted her head and told her good girl even though she could not hear me . I told her to stay , so she sat . I could hear a commotion out front so I turned around to see that Ty and Jessica were standing close to the front door . I told them to get next door quickly and quietly and not to come back until the police arrived . Ty asked about the boys and I told her they were in my home , TO GET GOING … NOW . She obeyed and Cleo stayed in the door way after glancing my way . I knew the police cars were closer and the howl was getting louder and I needed to get to the dog . I followed the howl but checked the rooms as I went , I didn 't need anything jumping out at me before I got to the back yard . I had to chuckle at him . I approached him carefully and talked to him . Caesar , come boy , heel and to be honest he did just that . They said they had barely gotten past the front door after jimmying it open when the one dog , the smaller one came running towards them . The hightailed it back to the kitchen but when they got there the big one got off the couch and growled at them . They pushed through the slider and ran but the dog was hot on their trail . The yard had a tall fence and they couldn 't get over it . The only way over the fence was the doghouse but the dog followed them up the ladder so they got down and they went inside the doghouse itself . The next thing they know he is growling and snarling at them and baring his teeth . They didn 't know the dogs lived there or they would have never tried breaking in , apparently they had come by on a previous day and rattled the door and windows but got no response . They figured they would come back another time . They were also confessing to robbing other houses in the neighborhood and when Caesar got up to approach them again they dove back into the doghouse . What a sight that was , it had all the officers chuckling . By that time I heard a commotion coming from the front of the house . I asked the officers if they needed me or the dogs any more and they told me they needed my statement but would catch up to me . I called the dogs to me and they walked with me towards the back door and as we got into the kitchen I saw Sookie being held back at the front door , I told the officer to let her in there was no evidence to contaminate . She bolted to me and the dogs , she slid on her knees to hug both of the dogs . I noticed their dog leashes hanging by the door so I hooked them up . She held my hand as I held the leashes in the other and as we made it outside the neighborhood was standing in the road watching everything unfold . I guided her to my home and through the front door . I let the dogs loose and they found the children in my living room watching TV . They said okay at the same time so I asked them what happened . Jackson said that they got home and Cleo was sitting in the open doorway and the door frame looked all mangled . They heard noises coming from the back and high tailed it over to my door . They said they didn 't see anyone but when they heard Caesar barking they knew things were not good . And they waited like I told them to do , then Ty and Jess let themselves in and we turned on the TV till you got here . Okay this was good they wouldn 't be pulled through as witnesses for a trial or anything . All they would have to do is give their statements . Me on the other hand , unless they pleaded out I was going to a trial , but I was okay with that , better me then them . As I got over to the house the officer in charge asked me if we could talk . I told him yes and that the boys were over at my home if they needed their statements . At the time they didn 't know they were witnesses , I told them they came over to me when they found the door open . Officer Beck followed me over to the house and on our way there I called Jake and told him to pick up some pizza 's and get his butt over here now . He asked me why I wasn 't on a plane yet and I told him once he got here I would tell him everything . In the meantime I would need to find a new flight out tonight . I held her as I directed Officer Beck over to the boys . They gave him their names and ages and what they saw . It was exactly as they told me so I knew there would be no issues . I knew I was up next and told Beck to follow me to the kitchen to speak in private . I figured the children didn 't need to be any more scared then they already were . I gave my statement to Officer Beck and Sookie just held my hand . She just looked up at me with her blue eyes and smiled ; gods I was falling for this woman and quickly . As we were finishing up Jake arrived with dinner and brought it into the kitchen . He saw the kids , the dogs and Sookie attached to my arm . He looked at me funny so I introduced them to him . I told him this is Pam 's friend Sookie and someone broke into their home tonight . I need for him to get her doors fixed and I wanted them to stay here while I was gone and until I got back I needed him to stay here too , bring Pam and Joseph over too , and make a party of it . I would be back by the weekend and we would sort things out then . Until then I needed him to do this for me . " Sookie , I know you barely know me . This house is a fortress with alarms and such and it would make me feel better if you stayed here until I return . Jake will make sure your house is fixed and when we get back I want to help you look for an alarm system , a good one . The dogs were good this time but next time the perps may have guns and they could stop their advances . Please do this for me ; please I would feel better knowing your safe . " As Sookie and I walked over to her home the neighbors were still out front , she told them all she and the kids were fine and she would be staying in my home until her doors were fixed . Remy looked fine with what she said but John looked pissed as hell , what the hell was that all about . He was married , Ty was a nice woman . I ignored them and told the officers I was taking her in to get clothes for the next few days . They offered to board the two doors up until they could be repaired . I told them we would take care of it , no need for them to stick around to do that for her . The officer , - Compton - , looked pissed off like John , what the fuck , whose toes were being stomped on ? We quickly did our thing and went back to my house . I asked Jake to get some plywood out of the garage and seal up the slider and front door since both were broken . He worked quickly and I went to find a flight . The only flight I could find that would work was a Spirit flight tonight at 9 : 40pm going to Chicago , layover there until morning and then catch a US Airways flight at 5am to arrive in Las Vegas at 9 : 03am . It would give me time to get to the courthouse with time to spare since I was only taking a carry on garment bag and my lap top , there would be no bags checked . I purchased the flight and was able to get first class sitting for leg room . I would have taken coach if I was able to be on those flights . I was so engrossed in what I was doing I did not notice Sookie slide into the room and put her arms around the back of the chair and my shoulders . She laid her head on my shoulder and trembled . I think it was finally getting to her . I moved her arms from my shoulders and turned the chair around slowly . I didn 't even have to ask ; she climbed up into my lap and put her head to my shoulder and cried . I tried to sooth her the best way I knew how , I was rubbing her back and kissing the top of her head , she looked up at me and I went for it . I inched in slowly and kissed her lips . I pulled back a bit and I looked down at her to make sure I didn 't over step my boundaries . She looked at me with her eyes and moved her mouth to mine once again and grabbed my bottom lip with her teeth and nibbled . I don 't have to tell you what that did to me . I knew I was fully erect and my jeans were getting tighter . I could not take much more and spoke with a HISS . " What are you doing to me WOMAN ? " I knew we were moving along too fast but I didn 't care . We really didn 't know each other at all . I knew I knew more about her but she knew nothing about me . She was in my dreams and apparently I had been a star in hers . I breathed out , " Sookie we need to stop , I will need to leave soon so that I can make my flight . Please little one , I don 't want to stop either but we need to . We can finish this conversation up when I get back . " She looked up at me with a beautiful blush covering her face . " Eric … I … uh … I wish we had more time . I wish you could make love to me right now . You are all I have thought about since the day we first met . I need you my warrior , I need you . " Her words would be forever etched in my brain . Did I waste time not introducing myself sooner ? The time wasted was not missed in my recollections but damn I needed her too . " Sookie , you are killing me . I want you too , but now is not the time . Let us put some distance between us or the children will see what you have done to me . " I told the boys I needed to talk to them privately . I let them know they were in charge and if they needed anything to ask Big Jake for it , but to please take care of their mom because she was shaken more than she is letting on . To help her do things around the house and to help her walk the dogs , to listen to her and when I got back we would make sure their house was secure together . I asked Big Jake to come in . I told him while I was gone to get spare keys made for the boys and Sookie . I would be giving her the code to the alarm and to make sure the dogs were walked in the morning by him not her . I think for the next couple of days she was going to be spooked and if she walked the dogs alone she might become terrified . He told me sure , but she looked like a stubborn one and I told him that 's the point she is too stubborn to ask for help when she is scared . I asked Pam to walk the dogs in the evening with Sookie . She didn 't understand why and I told her to talk to her brother he would fill her in . In the meantime I needed Big Jake to get me to the airport . We all laughed at my BIG Jake statement but we all knew that someone would be getting a nickname soon . I gave the boys a hug and kissed Jessica 's forehead . She blushed just like her mom . But Sookie , I didn 't know how to say goodbye to , but she helped me out on that one , she put her arms around me and gave me a huge hug and looked up at me from where her head was tucked into my chest . I leaned down and kissed her , I kissed her for all it was worth . As I finished the kiss , I heard eeewww gross behind me . I chuckled at the boys but I looked at all the kid 's faces and they all seemed happy for their mom . S - … ' Eric I know you are teasing me . I just wanted to let you know I have your number and I would like to text you if that is okay while you are gone . I also want to send you something to help to remember me by ' … I texted her when I arrived in Chicago at my hotel , it was midnight and I needed to get to bed since my flight was at 5am . I slept so - so , I was afraid of the outcome of the trail , I knew if I had a better home life I would have an ace in the hole . I would mention Sookie , Jake , Pam and Russell to the lawyer if I needed more stability shown at my home . It was a long flight but I made it to court in plenty of time . The de Castro 's showed up to court without Hunter and the judge was pissed off to say the least . They first said he didn 't want to attend , then they said he was sick and then they said they just didn 't bother bringing him with them , they figured it wasn 't necessary since the birth mother was involved in the custody battle now . Just let me say the Honorable Judge Thalia Prescott was not happy . She wouldn 't listen to anything they had to say . She sent a patrol car over to get Hunter from their home and we waited for his arrival . Once he arrived she asked for him to come forward . He talked with her while seated in the witness chair and then she asked for a recess to talk to him in her chambers in private . My lawyer and the de Castro 's lawyer were allowed to go with them but no one else . Judge Thalia , as she told Hunter to call her , said that she should have spoken with him prior to the court date but apparently there was always scheduling issues and being that he was almost fifteen his word meant a lot in her court and in this proceeding . They were gone for half an hour and when they cam back Hunter was allowed to sit with me . He gave me a hug and told me he missed me and I told him the same . Judge Thalia then spoke up and said , " the boys custody should have never gotten this far , when Mr . Northman had ask full custody three years back it should have been granted . The grandparents were asked to keep the boy until the father could take care of him full time . This is stated numerous times in the original documents . The grandparents went against this request ; it might have been overheard from the boy numerous times that they needed to keep the boy from his father . WHY I do not know nor do I understand but it is horrendous to think that ADULTS would knowingly keep them apart when they knew that it was wanted by both the father and the child to be together . I am granting full custody of Hunter Northman to his father Eric Northman who will be allowed to take him to reside in Florida with him at his home . The de Castro 's will need to get with Mr . Northman 's lawyers about visitation . I for one would not allow it . But that is up to him at this point . Hunter is allowed to leave Nevada today ; if he would like to get any of his belongings a police officer will escort him home so that he can do this without being harassed by his grandparents and mother . Mr . Northman I believe it is in your best interest to get out of dodge today after Hunter gets what he needs , is that acceptable ? Court adjourned . " I was happy , overjoyed but leery . I could see the plotting going on at the next table and I did not like it at all . I asked my lawyer if he could get a copy of the ruling so there would be no issues arriving in Ft Lauderdale . He said he had already asked after the ruling . Freyda approached me after the police officer left with Hunter . She said she wanted back into my life , she missed me and Hunter . I told her too late , I had someone in my life and if Hunter didn 't want to see her ever again that was his choice , now leave us alone . Of course she huffed off and told me I would be hearing from her . I didn 't need her shit and I knew I would end up getting a restraining order if she kept her shit up and followed us back to Florida . It was right then and there that I decided I was not going to make her following us home easy . Plus I knew I needed to let Sookie know all about Freyda and her parents and if she still wanted US , we could go forward but not until she was told first . I had a strong feeling she wouldn 't care but she needed to be made aware . I found a flight , Virgin Airlines leaving at 3 : 30pm and arriving in Los Angeles at 4 : 40pm . Then another flight on Virgin leaving at 5 : 25pm and arriving at 10 : 20 in Dallas . We would stay over night but I would get us a hotel room when we got there so in case she figured things out we would lose her either at LAX or Dallas . Then we had a flight the next day on Southwest at 8 : 30am arriving in Ft Lauderdale at 12 : 25pm . It was a well thought out plan and I emailed Jake to let him know what was up and to pick me up the next day at the airport , he had all my flight information so we were good . Hunter arrived back with the officer in tow about an hour later , the officer said they had a few issues with the de Castro 's but he did not leave Hunter 's side . He also said that he would be going to the judge to make sure he could escort us to the airport since the de Castro 's followed them back . I was a little more leery than before but if the officer was willing I had no issues . Hopefully Judge Thalia agreed . Hunter and I got to talk a lot ; we bonded even more than we had on previous trips . I told him about Sookie and that we had a fresh relationship started and he told me he was happy for me , he knew I never really dated . He asked if he would meet her any time soon and I told him she was at my house , hers was broken into but she lived next door . Her boys were using his room until I got back and then I would make sure their home was more secure for them to go back to . He said he was okay with that . I told him the house might be a little chaotic since Sookie and her three kids were there , her two large dogs , Jake , Pam and Joseph . All went well and we got to the Ft Lauderdale airport without a hitch but I was a little shocked at our welcome party . Down at luggage pickup stood our new family , all of them . Including the dogs . I don 't know how Jake pulled it off but there was a uniform BSO officer standing with them in case someone said something about the dogs and I am sure it also had to do with the issues we had in court . I knew they were not service animals but damn it melted my heart that they we all there . Caesar was the first to spot me and he whined . I whistled and he tugged Big Jake 's arm , he saw me and let go of his leash . He ran straight for me and jumped up with his big old paws on my shoulders and licked my face . I could hear the people saying awwwww around us . I guess my new buddy missed me too . I looked down and Cleo was near my feet trying to get my attention but Hunter kneeled down and was attacked with her love and attention . Reply kleannhouse says : January 5 , 2015 at 12 : 15 am your welcome , i wanted Eric to have a turn to speak and i think the chapter turned out well . as for the grandparents , they are going to be a thorn that is for sure . KY Reply kleannhouse says : January 5 , 2015 at 12 : 18 am thank you for reading and just and FYI they were not abusive physically but they were not nice either , emotional abuse is just as nasty . they used his mother and father against him , we might find out a little bit more later but we will see . thanks for your kind words . KY Reply Mindy781 says : January 5 , 2015 at 12 : 44 am I really liked this chapter . It was so fun having Eric 's POV . I can 't imagine being separated from my son . I feel so bad for Eric . I hope they continue to build a relationship . Sookie and Eric meet in person in a very funny way . I liked the kisses and the instant attachment . The greeting at the airport was a perfect ending to the chapter . Reply kleannhouse says : January 5 , 2015 at 2 : 17 am thanks for the kind words . yes they both had an instant attachment and i wanted to show how Eric had work through problems and resolves them in a positive way . i had fun writing the chapter . KY Reply mom2goalies says : January 5 , 2015 at 1 : 13 am Great update , I love reading Eric 's pov ! Glad he finally met Sookie and get Hunter too . Although I know there will be issues with his grandparents and mother … Reply askarsgirl says : January 6 , 2015 at 5 : 21 am I was so happy to see an update for this . I love this story 😃 They finally meet and it was perfect . I hope you update this lovely lovely story soon ! Reply kleannhouse says : January 9 , 2015 at 10 : 59 pm thanks for reading and i will update as soon as i can . just keep in mind we will backtrack a little in the next chapter and then go forward . KY Reply jules3677 says : January 10 , 2015 at 9 : 02 am It was good to have Eric 's POV . Gave some balance to this wonderful story . Enjoying reading your story . Can 't wait to read how the relationship between Eric & Sookie progresses . Also how Hunter 's grandparents behave , they sound like trouble . Reply kleannhouse says : January 12 , 2015 at 2 : 05 am thanks for reading this story as well . Yeah i though the farther we got into the story people were wondering what was going through his mind and his life plus it finalized who the next door neighbor was . And the grandparents , shivers down the spine . KY Reply kinnik7104 says : January 15 , 2015 at 3 : 18 am Wow , thanks for the great update . I 'm so happy that Eric got full custody of Hunter . I know they will undoubtedly have to put up with the shenanigans of the DeCastro family , but with Sookie now in his life , they will get through it all together . I can 't wait to see their relationship grow . Can 't wait to see what happens next . Reply kleannhouse says : January 23 , 2015 at 3 : 42 pm thanks for reading and i am glad you enjoyed it and much as i liked writing it . Yeah the de Castro 's are going to be an issue but i guess they never went up against Sookie and some extra 's … no Thalia was brought in to replace the other judge . You will find out about in the next chapter . KY Reply baronessjai says : January 26 , 2015 at 10 : 17 pm Gosh I just loved this story . … . they 'll be blended . . . can 't wait for more . … please say there will be more …… pretty please with sugar on top 😉 Reply VictoryInTrouble says : February 11 , 2015 at 5 : 12 pm Missed this before ! It 's nice to hear from Eric . I 'm glad he got his son . I hope their relationship grows even stronger now . It 's good he was there for Sookie and her kids ! Reply sandcat63 says : September 18 , 2015 at 10 : 20 am Just read this for the first time . Wonderful story ! Can 't wait for the next chapter , hope you get it written soon . Love the way this is going . |
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