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Blessed are those who find wisdom , those who gain understanding , for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold . She is more precious than rubies ; nothing you desire can compare with her . Long life is in her right hand ; in her left hand are riches and honor . Her ways are pleasant ways , and all her paths are peace . She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her ; those who hold her fast will be blessed . Prov 3 : 13 - 18 My newest novel , Healing Ruby , will be coming out in the next few months , and many of my family , friends , and readers have been curious about what 's coming next . I 'm still in the editing stages , so I can 't give you a taste and guarantee it 's what you 'll end up reading when the book is finally in your hands . But I hope to give you enough to whet your appetite ! Ruby Graves is a young teenage girl growing up in rural north Alabama during the devastating years of the Great Depression . As her father suffers through the crippling effects of diabetes , she secretly obtains a job caring for the son of a wealthy family in town who is dying of tuberculosis . She repeatedly seeks God 's healing for both her father and Matthew , but her father 's death leaves her faith shattered , and her family homeless . When her long - lost uncle arrives for the funeral , he introduces Ruby to the world of faith - healing , and the ability that has been passed down through her family from one generation to the next to stop the flow of blood . When Matthew 's condition suddenly worsens , Ruby comes face to face with the power of God to heal , and an intimacy with his presence she longs to hold onto . As Ruby struggles to understand God 's call to serve and heal others , she must learn to surrender to a destiny that will challenge the social norms of her time , endanger her life , and demand that she count everything she holds dear as loss for the sake of Christ . I never meant to hurt anyone . It was the last thing I ever wanted to do , but in moments that pass by quicker than lightning , things just happen . That seems to be the story of my life . Things happen before I can stop them , before I even understand what 's happening . Sometimes it 's my eagerness that gets me into trouble - like when Mother 'd make me help her with canning all them vegetables , but all I could think about was getting out of that hot kitchen , sneaking down to the creek , and burying myself in the cold water . But most times , what gets me in trouble is just plain anger . Like the time when I was ten , and Henry was harassing me again , and I was just sick of him that day . I never understood what was so much fun about picking on girls , but that seemed to be the favorite pastime of both my brothers . Seemed to me that teenage boys could find plenty else to occupy their time with , and it would make me madder than a hornet . Maybe that was why they did it . We weren 't poor back then , back before stock crashes and poverty stole the life out of folks . But we weren 't like the Doyle 's either - we didn 't have a housekeeper to clean up after us - and since I was the only girl , I got stuck with washing the dishes after dinner every Sunday while the boys got to run off to do heaven knows what with heaven knows who . Henry should 've just left me alone . But he never could pass up a chance to needle me , and he slapped my behind as he dropped his plate into the wash tub . I must 've gotten madder than I ever had before , because I don 't exactly remember deciding to do it , but the next thing I knew , the knife in my hand went sailing through the air and landed in Henry 's neck . What happened after that is still a blur . I think I was as horrified as Henry was , and we both just stood there staring at each other in shock . I couldn 't even remember throwing that knife across the room . But there he stood just a few feet away from me , a trickle of blood running down his neck and seeping into the collar of his Sunday shirt . I remember thinking that Mother 'd have a time getting that stain out on the washboard . She 'd complain about her knuckles getting raw . Henry pulled the knife out , and blood just shot out of him . It hit Mother 's table cloth , the white one with the lace around the bottom that Grandma Kellum had made for a wedding present . It hit the wall and the door frame where Henry stood . He stared at it kind of wide - eyed for a moment . Then just as Daddy came back in the room , Henry sank to the floor . Something lit a fire under my feet , and I was beside him in a second . Like I said , it all seemed to happen in a haze of confusion and regret , but I remember the dark red stain spreading through the dishtowel in my hands as I pressed down on Henry 's neck . I remember Daddy rushing over , calling for Mother and hollering at Henry that he 'd be all right . I remember the look on Daddy 's face when he yelled at James to go for Dr . Fisher - his face pale , his eyes wide and accusing . I 'd only seen him look scared once before - the night little Charlie died from the Spanish flu - and it just about did me in to think I 'd be responsible for him losing another son . Mother came beside me , shoving me out of the way . Her hands were strong and quick , she moved my dishrag away and looked at Henry 's wound , never once grimacing . She put a clean cloth over it and grabbed my hands , pressing them down over Henry 's neck and looking at me with blazing eyes that shot right through me . " Press hard . Don 't move . " Then she stood and pulled Daddy up with her . " Abner , it 's bad . Real bad . " Henry 's eyes drifted slowly over to look up at me , and I wondered what he was thinking . I hated for him to be mad at me . As much as I hated his picking on me , I loved him fierce - almost as much as Daddy . Henry could make you smile in a second , no matter what had you in a mess . I loved both my brothers , but he was the one that really knew me , the one who liked playing with me . I couldn 't stand the thought that I 'd hurt him . " Henry ? " I whispered . " You all right ? " " But you were there ! " she yelled . " You saw everything ! " I couldn 't remember Mother ever raising her voice , so I had no idea what to think . Daddy looked taken aback too . He glared at her , then down at Henry , and then he looked at her again . This time the fear seemed more like anger . " Listen here , even if I knew how , I wouldn 't bring that blasphemy into my house ! " Daddy bent over Henry and lifted him into his arms . He carried him into their bedroom and laid Henry across the bed . Mother followed with her shoulders bent forward like she was ready to tackle Daddy . He turned to her and caught her before she could lay into him . " Now , Lizzy , there just ain 't nothing I can do . Not like you 's wanting right now . James 'll fetch Doctor Fisher , and you and I 're gone do everything we can . The Lord 'll take care a Henry . Now stop fretting over something I can 't control , and do what you can for him . " Mother looked like she might just fall over , but then her whole body stiffened . She went to Henry 's head and checked the rags . Then she knelt beside the bed and started praying . Daddy turned to me , and right then I saw that he knew I 'd done this . My stomach turned , and I thought I might lose my lunch right there . " Ruby , " he said . " How 'd this happen ? " I couldn 't take him looking at me like that , like he didn 't even know who I was . All I could do was turn and run . So I did . I ran out the door and into the woods as far as my legs would carry me . I tripped and fell a couple of times , but it was the third fall that finally did me in . I had nothing left inside me . All I could do was lay on the ground , my tears mixing with the dirt and leaves , praying God would forgive me and let Henry live . I promised I 'd never lose my temper again , and I 'd do everything in my power to keep the people I loved from pain . I promised Him that I 'd do anything He ever wanted from me … ever . He just couldn 't take Henry . Sometimes I still remember that day in a dream , and I wonder how much of it really happened , and how much of my memory my dreams have changed . It 's hard to know . Now , when I remember that day , it 's not the memory of Henry lying on the floor , or Mother scrubbing up blood for hours , or even the relief I felt when Henry was all right that my mind sits on . Instead , I think about all the ruckus going on around us that day , about all the promises I made to God to save Henry , and not even realizing that Daddy was already sick . When Henry and I got home from school that afternoon , Doctor Fisher was talking with Mother in the living room . Just the sight of him sent a shiver down my spine and the memory of Charlie 's last night on this earth through my mind . I felt my breath catch , but then Doctor Fisher smiled at me . I knew he wouldn 't be smiling if something serious was wrong with Daddy , so it set me at ease , and I smiled back . " Hi there , Miss Ruby , " he said . I shook his hand . " Hi , Doctor Fisher . " He reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of butterscotch . I grinned and grabbed it out of his hand . He turned to Henry and shook his hand like a man while he pat him on the back . " Yes , sir . Those boys from Cullman won 't know what hit ' em . " Henry smiled and walked over to Mother , kissing her on the cheek . She held onto him for a bit longer than usual , and it looked like she might cry for a second . That sent the uneasiness working its way back through my stomach . I looked at Doctor Fisher again . Maybe I 'd been wrong . But before I could figure anything out , Mother started throwing out her usual orders . I put my things in my room then went to the kitchen where the mop waited for me . As I worked my way across the floor toward the table , I could see Mother and Doctor Fisher talking on the porch through the window . Mother put her palms to her eyes and shook her head . I worked my way a little closer to the window , and I could just make out some of Doctor Fisher 's words - something about Daddy 's feet getting worse and how she 'd have to convince him to eat better . Mother threw her hands out to the side and groaned . " We 've tried everything you suggested . I don 't know what else to do . " Doctor Fisher put a hand on her shoulder . " I know it 's tough , but it 's time to face the reality that he 's going to lose that foot . Maybe both of them . " He continued giving me the look a bit longer , but then he sighed and pulled out the chair . He fell into it like his own body weighed more than he could handle ; then he slapped his thigh . " C ' mere . " I thought for a second I was about to get a whipping , and he must have seen my eyes widen cause he let out a deep rumbling chuckle and scratched his beard . " C ' mon , " he said . " You ain 't in trouble , baby girl . " He continued to smile , but he looked at me different , like he was remembering me instead of seeing me . " Just like your mother . Can 't just let a man talk like he wants to . But I guess you 're right . You aren 't a little girl anymore . So how about taking a seat and talking with me like a grown up ? " I slid onto the bench nearest me and waited for him to say something . We must have sat like that for a full minute . I laced my hands together on top of the table and looked out the window . He leaned forward and put his hand over mine - they were still laced together on the table and were beginning to sweat . " Ruby , don 't nobody know what God 's plans may hold . I can 't tell you when my time 's been appointed . But no matter what happens , you can trust God to take care of you . " I guessed that was supposed to make me feel better , but all I could think about was that he didn 't really answer my question . Then Mother came through the door and went straight to the stove without a word . She checked the fire in it 's belly then stirred the great big pot on top . She wiped her hands on her apron and let out a long sigh that seemed to deflate her and slump her shoulders . Daddy stood and walked over behind her , and I noticed the limp on his right side . He put his hands on Mother 's shoulders and gave them a gentle squeeze . She turned around and pointed a finger up at his face . " Abner Graves , I don 't know what I 'm going to do with you . I 've told you time and time again about watching what you eat . " " Don 't worry , Lizzy . It 'll all be fine . It was a fine cotton season , and next year 's gone be even better . Don 't worry about the money . " He pulled her into his chest and wrapped his arms around her back . She relaxed in his embrace , but then she noticed me watching them and turned back to the stove . I jumped up and grabbed the mop from the bucket , trying to rid my mind of the fear swirling around the edges . I focused all my thoughts on finishing my chores as quickly as possible so I could go to the game . Basketball was just catching on in the more rural areas of Alabama , but our school in Hanceville had a pretty good team . We figured it was a good season if we beat Cullman more times than they beat us . That fall , we 'd gotten beaten pretty bad in football , so everybody in the town was counting on the basketball team to lift our spirits . I liked it better than football . For one thing , I could play basketball . James and Henry had taught me how to shoot on a basket they 'd nailed to the side of our barn . Even Daddy had helped me some , and I was pretty good too . But he drew the line there . When the boys had friends over , and they started playing real games , Daddy 'd insist I go help Mother in the house . But I sneaked out a few times , and I showed those boys that a girl can give as good as she gets if you just give her half a chance . We got to the gym early on account of Henry being on the team . James was already there waiting on us in the parking lot with a couple of his friends , including Emma Rae Calhoun . She still had another year in school , and she was sweet on James . He went to all sorts of trouble to make sure no one knew , but I could tell he was sweet on her too . He 'd walk her home from church a couple of Sundays every month , and he made sure he was extra clean on those days . That was the only clue he really gave , other than walking her home , but it was enough for me to know . He came over to us just as we got to the front door . He put a hand on Daddy 's shoulder , and his eyebrows mashed together till his face turned almost identical to Daddy 's . " I 'm fine son . " Daddy stood up a little straighter and made more of an effort to hide the limp I 'd seen earlier . James didn 't look convinced . " If you ain 't feeling right , you need to stay home and rest . I can get Henry home . Besides , we 'll want to go out with some friends afterward anyway . " " Said I 'm fine . Now you go on with your friends . Henry 'll just come home with us . " Henry 's face fell , and James nodded before turning back toward his friends . Daddy took a few more steps and called over his shoulder as we reached the door . " Make sure you 're home at a decent hour . I 'll need you to start mending that fence early tomorrow . " We walked into the gym , and Henry headed straight for the court where some of the other boys on the team were already shooting around . Daddy and Mother headed for the same spot where we always sat , close to the floor near the middle of the court . The Doyles came in right after us , and they nodded at Mother and Daddy as they sat a few feet away . Their daughter Mary sat down behind them and glanced around . I gave her a quick smile , and she managed a polite wave of her hand . Nothing that seemed particularly inviting . Mary was in my class , but she didn 't look like any eighth grader I 'd ever seen , maybe because she 'd started school later than most . She was always so well put together , with hair that just shone like everything when the sun hit it . She 'd already caught the attention of a few high school boys , but not any that had the guts to talk to her in front of her parents . But then again , I didn 't know too many regular people that spoke to the Doyles . Mother leaned toward me and nudged my side . " Why don 't you go say hello to some of your friends ? " " I will a bit later . " I 'd long ago lost hope of getting Mother to understand my preference for solitude . I was a bean pole of a girl , with little interest in clothes or talking about boys . I spent most of my free time at school reading or daydreaming about the adventures I 'd go on as soon as I was old enough to get out of this town . It wasn 't the best way to go about making friends , and the few times Mother had forced me into socializing , I 'd just embarrassed myself . But Mother was not one to give up easily . " At least make an effort to be friendly , Ruby . Your Daddy and I expect you to be polite . " I looked over at Daddy knowing he wouldn 't care one way or the other if I said hello to girls I was barely acquainted with . He was already engrossed in watching Henry and the other boys go through some practice plays . I sighed and pushed myself off the bleacher , ignoring Mother 's satisfied smile . Mary already had a few more girls around her , so I knew this would be awkward . But if I got it over with quickly , maybe Mother 'd leave me alone the rest of the game . I forced a polite smile and climbed the three bleachers to the group of girls . Evelyn Brachman and Judy Carr went to Cullman , so I only knew them by reputation , but Era Calhoun was a ninth grader at Hanceville . All were from wealthier families in the county , and even though most of their parents seemed friendly enough with mine , they 'd never seemed interested in being friends with me . I guess I couldn 't say I had shown much interest in them either , if I was being fair about it anyway . " Mind if I join y ' all for a few minutes ? " Mary was the only one that really looked at me , and I was keenly aware of how plain I must seem to her . " Why sure , Ruby . Come sit by me . " I had to admit , she seemed downright genuine about it . I decided to give it a shot , and maybe the other girls would warm up to me . As I took a seat and got comfortable , the game started , so I did my best to follow along with the girls ' conversation while keeping up with the game . It didn 't surprise me in the least when they started going on and on about how handsome the players were . Henry made a nice shot near the goal , and we all stood to cheer . I couldn 't hide my shock when Judy leaned toward me and spoke . " Henry 's your brother , right Ruby ? " she said . I nodded and she exchanged giggles with Era . I thought I remembered Henry walking with Era a couple of times when James would walk her older sister Emma Rae home . I hated the way the girls acted around both my brothers . It was all giggles and batting eyelashes , and complete nonsense if you asked me . Just then , Mr . Doyle stood up and started pacing along the edge of the court . I knew he 'd start hollering soon . His youngest son , Matthew , was a senior on the team , and Mr . Doyle was constantly yelling during the games . He did it during football and baseball too , so we 'd all gotten pretty used to it . Mary 's face flushed a slight shade of pink , so I wondered if she was as used to it as the rest of us . " What 's Matthew planning on doing after graduation ? " I asked . Mary sighed and shook her head . " That 's all anybody in our house can talk about these days . Daddy insists that he goes to college and learn about business , but Matthew just wants to play ball . " I watched him run down the court , watched the intensity in his eyes and the balance in his body as he changed direction on a dime . He was tall and lean , with large muscled shoulders . I remembered watching him play football and baseball , too . He was gifted . How could his daddy not see that ? Down below us , Mr . Doyle paced behind the wall of the cage , barking and clapping . He was every bit as intense as Matthew , and it seemed to me he 'd be supporting his dreams . But Mr . Doyle owned several businesses in both Hanceville and Cullman , and his older sons were already working for him . Maybe expectations were a lot heavier than dreams . I know mine seemed to float all around and never land on anything solid . I started to turn back to Mary to try to keep up the conversation , but just then it seemed like the entire gym gasped . My gaze shot to Daddy , expecting to see him laid out on the floor , but he was standing next to Mother looking all worried at the court . My next thought was for Henry , and I found him in the crowd of players gathering underneath the basket furthest away from us . One of the players waved Coach Rayburn over , his face stricken with worry . I tried to get a glimpse , but then I saw Mr . Doyle run across the gym . Mary and I both stood at the same time , and I saw him then . Matthew was lying on the floor unconscious . Coach Rayburn and Mr . Doyle slapped his face a few times and finally got him to come around . They lifted him off the floor and put his arms around their shoulders , then talked for a minute before they started moving toward the exit . About ten feet from the door , Matthew started coughing so bad they had to stop , and I heard another gasp from some people nearby . I tried to look closer to see what was happening , but I couldn 't see anything from up in the stands . Mary and her mother moved toward the exit too , so I followed them through the crowd opening up to let them by . Just as we got to the door , the men moved Matthew the rest of the way out of the exit , and from what I could see , I thought he might have passed out again . Mary and Mrs . Doyle followed along behind them , clinging to each other like they might fall over if they let go . My heart thudded in my ears , and I wished I could comfort Mary . But they were gone in a matter of seconds , and I had no idea what to do . I turned to search for Mother and Daddy in the crowd . Maybe they 'd know something . As I looked around , I saw what had made those people gasp the second time . All across the floor where Mr . Doyle and Coach Rayburn had stopped with Matthew , was a large splattering of blood nearly as black as tar . Through August 1 , I am running a fund raising campaign on Indiegogo to help cover all the costs of producing this novel . If you 'll follow the link provided , you can check out the details of what the money will cover , as well as the perks you get for different amounts of donating . Please consider contributing ; no amount is too small or insignificant . I would appreciate your support , through donations and through sharing this effort with your friends and family you believe might enjoy it . Again , simply follow this link : Posted by |
Blessed are those who find wisdom , those who gain understanding , for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold . She is more precious than rubies ; nothing you desire can compare with her . Long life is in her right hand ; in her left hand are riches and honor . Her ways are pleasant ways , and all her paths are peace . She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her ; those who hold her fast will be blessed . Prov 3 : 13 - 18 My newest novel , Healing Ruby , will be coming out in the next few months , and many of my family , friends , and readers have been curious about what 's coming next . I 'm still in the editing stages , so I can 't give you a taste and guarantee it 's what you 'll end up reading when the book is finally in your hands . But I hope to give you enough to whet your appetite ! Ruby Graves is a young teenage girl growing up in rural north Alabama during the devastating years of the Great Depression . As her father suffers through the crippling effects of diabetes , she secretly obtains a job caring for the son of a wealthy family in town who is dying of tuberculosis . She repeatedly seeks God 's healing for both her father and Matthew , but her father 's death leaves her faith shattered , and her family homeless . When her long - lost uncle arrives for the funeral , he introduces Ruby to the world of faith - healing , and the ability that has been passed down through her family from one generation to the next to stop the flow of blood . When Matthew 's condition suddenly worsens , Ruby comes face to face with the power of God to heal , and an intimacy with his presence she longs to hold onto . As Ruby struggles to understand God 's call to serve and heal others , she must learn to surrender to a destiny that will challenge the social norms of her time , endanger her life , and demand that she count everything she holds dear as loss for the sake of Christ . I never meant to hurt anyone . It was the last thing I ever wanted to do , but in moments that pass by quicker than lightning , things just happen . That seems to be the story of my life . Things happen before I can stop them , before I even understand what 's happening . Sometimes it 's my eagerness that gets me into trouble - like when Mother 'd make me help her with canning all them vegetables , but all I could think about was getting out of that hot kitchen , sneaking down to the creek , and burying myself in the cold water . But most times , what gets me in trouble is just plain anger . Like the time when I was ten , and Henry was harassing me again , and I was just sick of him that day . I never understood what was so much fun about picking on girls , but that seemed to be the favorite pastime of both my brothers . Seemed to me that teenage boys could find plenty else to occupy their time with , and it would make me madder than a hornet . Maybe that was why they did it . We weren 't poor back then , back before stock crashes and poverty stole the life out of folks . But we weren 't like the Doyle 's either - we didn 't have a housekeeper to clean up after us - and since I was the only girl , I got stuck with washing the dishes after dinner every Sunday while the boys got to run off to do heaven knows what with heaven knows who . Henry should 've just left me alone . But he never could pass up a chance to needle me , and he slapped my behind as he dropped his plate into the wash tub . I must 've gotten madder than I ever had before , because I don 't exactly remember deciding to do it , but the next thing I knew , the knife in my hand went sailing through the air and landed in Henry 's neck . What happened after that is still a blur . I think I was as horrified as Henry was , and we both just stood there staring at each other in shock . I couldn 't even remember throwing that knife across the room . But there he stood just a few feet away from me , a trickle of blood running down his neck and seeping into the collar of his Sunday shirt . I remember thinking that Mother 'd have a time getting that stain out on the washboard . She 'd complain about her knuckles getting raw . Henry pulled the knife out , and blood just shot out of him . It hit Mother 's table cloth , the white one with the lace around the bottom that Grandma Kellum had made for a wedding present . It hit the wall and the door frame where Henry stood . He stared at it kind of wide - eyed for a moment . Then just as Daddy came back in the room , Henry sank to the floor . Something lit a fire under my feet , and I was beside him in a second . Like I said , it all seemed to happen in a haze of confusion and regret , but I remember the dark red stain spreading through the dishtowel in my hands as I pressed down on Henry 's neck . I remember Daddy rushing over , calling for Mother and hollering at Henry that he 'd be all right . I remember the look on Daddy 's face when he yelled at James to go for Dr . Fisher - his face pale , his eyes wide and accusing . I 'd only seen him look scared once before - the night little Charlie died from the Spanish flu - and it just about did me in to think I 'd be responsible for him losing another son . Mother came beside me , shoving me out of the way . Her hands were strong and quick , she moved my dishrag away and looked at Henry 's wound , never once grimacing . She put a clean cloth over it and grabbed my hands , pressing them down over Henry 's neck and looking at me with blazing eyes that shot right through me . " Press hard . Don 't move . " Then she stood and pulled Daddy up with her . " Abner , it 's bad . Real bad . " Henry 's eyes drifted slowly over to look up at me , and I wondered what he was thinking . I hated for him to be mad at me . As much as I hated his picking on me , I loved him fierce - almost as much as Daddy . Henry could make you smile in a second , no matter what had you in a mess . I loved both my brothers , but he was the one that really knew me , the one who liked playing with me . I couldn 't stand the thought that I 'd hurt him . " Henry ? " I whispered . " You all right ? " " But you were there ! " she yelled . " You saw everything ! " I couldn 't remember Mother ever raising her voice , so I had no idea what to think . Daddy looked taken aback too . He glared at her , then down at Henry , and then he looked at her again . This time the fear seemed more like anger . " Listen here , even if I knew how , I wouldn 't bring that blasphemy into my house ! " Daddy bent over Henry and lifted him into his arms . He carried him into their bedroom and laid Henry across the bed . Mother followed with her shoulders bent forward like she was ready to tackle Daddy . He turned to her and caught her before she could lay into him . " Now , Lizzy , there just ain 't nothing I can do . Not like you 's wanting right now . James 'll fetch Doctor Fisher , and you and I 're gone do everything we can . The Lord 'll take care a Henry . Now stop fretting over something I can 't control , and do what you can for him . " Mother looked like she might just fall over , but then her whole body stiffened . She went to Henry 's head and checked the rags . Then she knelt beside the bed and started praying . Daddy turned to me , and right then I saw that he knew I 'd done this . My stomach turned , and I thought I might lose my lunch right there . " Ruby , " he said . " How 'd this happen ? " I couldn 't take him looking at me like that , like he didn 't even know who I was . All I could do was turn and run . So I did . I ran out the door and into the woods as far as my legs would carry me . I tripped and fell a couple of times , but it was the third fall that finally did me in . I had nothing left inside me . All I could do was lay on the ground , my tears mixing with the dirt and leaves , praying God would forgive me and let Henry live . I promised I 'd never lose my temper again , and I 'd do everything in my power to keep the people I loved from pain . I promised Him that I 'd do anything He ever wanted from me … ever . He just couldn 't take Henry . Sometimes I still remember that day in a dream , and I wonder how much of it really happened , and how much of my memory my dreams have changed . It 's hard to know . Now , when I remember that day , it 's not the memory of Henry lying on the floor , or Mother scrubbing up blood for hours , or even the relief I felt when Henry was all right that my mind sits on . Instead , I think about all the ruckus going on around us that day , about all the promises I made to God to save Henry , and not even realizing that Daddy was already sick . When Henry and I got home from school that afternoon , Doctor Fisher was talking with Mother in the living room . Just the sight of him sent a shiver down my spine and the memory of Charlie 's last night on this earth through my mind . I felt my breath catch , but then Doctor Fisher smiled at me . I knew he wouldn 't be smiling if something serious was wrong with Daddy , so it set me at ease , and I smiled back . " Hi there , Miss Ruby , " he said . I shook his hand . " Hi , Doctor Fisher . " He reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of butterscotch . I grinned and grabbed it out of his hand . He turned to Henry and shook his hand like a man while he pat him on the back . " Yes , sir . Those boys from Cullman won 't know what hit ' em . " Henry smiled and walked over to Mother , kissing her on the cheek . She held onto him for a bit longer than usual , and it looked like she might cry for a second . That sent the uneasiness working its way back through my stomach . I looked at Doctor Fisher again . Maybe I 'd been wrong . But before I could figure anything out , Mother started throwing out her usual orders . I put my things in my room then went to the kitchen where the mop waited for me . As I worked my way across the floor toward the table , I could see Mother and Doctor Fisher talking on the porch through the window . Mother put her palms to her eyes and shook her head . I worked my way a little closer to the window , and I could just make out some of Doctor Fisher 's words - something about Daddy 's feet getting worse and how she 'd have to convince him to eat better . Mother threw her hands out to the side and groaned . " We 've tried everything you suggested . I don 't know what else to do . " Doctor Fisher put a hand on her shoulder . " I know it 's tough , but it 's time to face the reality that he 's going to lose that foot . Maybe both of them . " He continued giving me the look a bit longer , but then he sighed and pulled out the chair . He fell into it like his own body weighed more than he could handle ; then he slapped his thigh . " C ' mere . " I thought for a second I was about to get a whipping , and he must have seen my eyes widen cause he let out a deep rumbling chuckle and scratched his beard . " C ' mon , " he said . " You ain 't in trouble , baby girl . " He continued to smile , but he looked at me different , like he was remembering me instead of seeing me . " Just like your mother . Can 't just let a man talk like he wants to . But I guess you 're right . You aren 't a little girl anymore . So how about taking a seat and talking with me like a grown up ? " I slid onto the bench nearest me and waited for him to say something . We must have sat like that for a full minute . I laced my hands together on top of the table and looked out the window . He leaned forward and put his hand over mine - they were still laced together on the table and were beginning to sweat . " Ruby , don 't nobody know what God 's plans may hold . I can 't tell you when my time 's been appointed . But no matter what happens , you can trust God to take care of you . " I guessed that was supposed to make me feel better , but all I could think about was that he didn 't really answer my question . Then Mother came through the door and went straight to the stove without a word . She checked the fire in it 's belly then stirred the great big pot on top . She wiped her hands on her apron and let out a long sigh that seemed to deflate her and slump her shoulders . Daddy stood and walked over behind her , and I noticed the limp on his right side . He put his hands on Mother 's shoulders and gave them a gentle squeeze . She turned around and pointed a finger up at his face . " Abner Graves , I don 't know what I 'm going to do with you . I 've told you time and time again about watching what you eat . " " Don 't worry , Lizzy . It 'll all be fine . It was a fine cotton season , and next year 's gone be even better . Don 't worry about the money . " He pulled her into his chest and wrapped his arms around her back . She relaxed in his embrace , but then she noticed me watching them and turned back to the stove . I jumped up and grabbed the mop from the bucket , trying to rid my mind of the fear swirling around the edges . I focused all my thoughts on finishing my chores as quickly as possible so I could go to the game . Basketball was just catching on in the more rural areas of Alabama , but our school in Hanceville had a pretty good team . We figured it was a good season if we beat Cullman more times than they beat us . That fall , we 'd gotten beaten pretty bad in football , so everybody in the town was counting on the basketball team to lift our spirits . I liked it better than football . For one thing , I could play basketball . James and Henry had taught me how to shoot on a basket they 'd nailed to the side of our barn . Even Daddy had helped me some , and I was pretty good too . But he drew the line there . When the boys had friends over , and they started playing real games , Daddy 'd insist I go help Mother in the house . But I sneaked out a few times , and I showed those boys that a girl can give as good as she gets if you just give her half a chance . We got to the gym early on account of Henry being on the team . James was already there waiting on us in the parking lot with a couple of his friends , including Emma Rae Calhoun . She still had another year in school , and she was sweet on James . He went to all sorts of trouble to make sure no one knew , but I could tell he was sweet on her too . He 'd walk her home from church a couple of Sundays every month , and he made sure he was extra clean on those days . That was the only clue he really gave , other than walking her home , but it was enough for me to know . He came over to us just as we got to the front door . He put a hand on Daddy 's shoulder , and his eyebrows mashed together till his face turned almost identical to Daddy 's . " I 'm fine son . " Daddy stood up a little straighter and made more of an effort to hide the limp I 'd seen earlier . James didn 't look convinced . " If you ain 't feeling right , you need to stay home and rest . I can get Henry home . Besides , we 'll want to go out with some friends afterward anyway . " " Said I 'm fine . Now you go on with your friends . Henry 'll just come home with us . " Henry 's face fell , and James nodded before turning back toward his friends . Daddy took a few more steps and called over his shoulder as we reached the door . " Make sure you 're home at a decent hour . I 'll need you to start mending that fence early tomorrow . " We walked into the gym , and Henry headed straight for the court where some of the other boys on the team were already shooting around . Daddy and Mother headed for the same spot where we always sat , close to the floor near the middle of the court . The Doyles came in right after us , and they nodded at Mother and Daddy as they sat a few feet away . Their daughter Mary sat down behind them and glanced around . I gave her a quick smile , and she managed a polite wave of her hand . Nothing that seemed particularly inviting . Mary was in my class , but she didn 't look like any eighth grader I 'd ever seen , maybe because she 'd started school later than most . She was always so well put together , with hair that just shone like everything when the sun hit it . She 'd already caught the attention of a few high school boys , but not any that had the guts to talk to her in front of her parents . But then again , I didn 't know too many regular people that spoke to the Doyles . Mother leaned toward me and nudged my side . " Why don 't you go say hello to some of your friends ? " " I will a bit later . " I 'd long ago lost hope of getting Mother to understand my preference for solitude . I was a bean pole of a girl , with little interest in clothes or talking about boys . I spent most of my free time at school reading or daydreaming about the adventures I 'd go on as soon as I was old enough to get out of this town . It wasn 't the best way to go about making friends , and the few times Mother had forced me into socializing , I 'd just embarrassed myself . But Mother was not one to give up easily . " At least make an effort to be friendly , Ruby . Your Daddy and I expect you to be polite . " I looked over at Daddy knowing he wouldn 't care one way or the other if I said hello to girls I was barely acquainted with . He was already engrossed in watching Henry and the other boys go through some practice plays . I sighed and pushed myself off the bleacher , ignoring Mother 's satisfied smile . Mary already had a few more girls around her , so I knew this would be awkward . But if I got it over with quickly , maybe Mother 'd leave me alone the rest of the game . I forced a polite smile and climbed the three bleachers to the group of girls . Evelyn Brachman and Judy Carr went to Cullman , so I only knew them by reputation , but Era Calhoun was a ninth grader at Hanceville . All were from wealthier families in the county , and even though most of their parents seemed friendly enough with mine , they 'd never seemed interested in being friends with me . I guess I couldn 't say I had shown much interest in them either , if I was being fair about it anyway . " Mind if I join y ' all for a few minutes ? " Mary was the only one that really looked at me , and I was keenly aware of how plain I must seem to her . " Why sure , Ruby . Come sit by me . " I had to admit , she seemed downright genuine about it . I decided to give it a shot , and maybe the other girls would warm up to me . As I took a seat and got comfortable , the game started , so I did my best to follow along with the girls ' conversation while keeping up with the game . It didn 't surprise me in the least when they started going on and on about how handsome the players were . Henry made a nice shot near the goal , and we all stood to cheer . I couldn 't hide my shock when Judy leaned toward me and spoke . " Henry 's your brother , right Ruby ? " she said . I nodded and she exchanged giggles with Era . I thought I remembered Henry walking with Era a couple of times when James would walk her older sister Emma Rae home . I hated the way the girls acted around both my brothers . It was all giggles and batting eyelashes , and complete nonsense if you asked me . Just then , Mr . Doyle stood up and started pacing along the edge of the court . I knew he 'd start hollering soon . His youngest son , Matthew , was a senior on the team , and Mr . Doyle was constantly yelling during the games . He did it during football and baseball too , so we 'd all gotten pretty used to it . Mary 's face flushed a slight shade of pink , so I wondered if she was as used to it as the rest of us . " What 's Matthew planning on doing after graduation ? " I asked . Mary sighed and shook her head . " That 's all anybody in our house can talk about these days . Daddy insists that he goes to college and learn about business , but Matthew just wants to play ball . " I watched him run down the court , watched the intensity in his eyes and the balance in his body as he changed direction on a dime . He was tall and lean , with large muscled shoulders . I remembered watching him play football and baseball , too . He was gifted . How could his daddy not see that ? Down below us , Mr . Doyle paced behind the wall of the cage , barking and clapping . He was every bit as intense as Matthew , and it seemed to me he 'd be supporting his dreams . But Mr . Doyle owned several businesses in both Hanceville and Cullman , and his older sons were already working for him . Maybe expectations were a lot heavier than dreams . I know mine seemed to float all around and never land on anything solid . I started to turn back to Mary to try to keep up the conversation , but just then it seemed like the entire gym gasped . My gaze shot to Daddy , expecting to see him laid out on the floor , but he was standing next to Mother looking all worried at the court . My next thought was for Henry , and I found him in the crowd of players gathering underneath the basket furthest away from us . One of the players waved Coach Rayburn over , his face stricken with worry . I tried to get a glimpse , but then I saw Mr . Doyle run across the gym . Mary and I both stood at the same time , and I saw him then . Matthew was lying on the floor unconscious . Coach Rayburn and Mr . Doyle slapped his face a few times and finally got him to come around . They lifted him off the floor and put his arms around their shoulders , then talked for a minute before they started moving toward the exit . About ten feet from the door , Matthew started coughing so bad they had to stop , and I heard another gasp from some people nearby . I tried to look closer to see what was happening , but I couldn 't see anything from up in the stands . Mary and her mother moved toward the exit too , so I followed them through the crowd opening up to let them by . Just as we got to the door , the men moved Matthew the rest of the way out of the exit , and from what I could see , I thought he might have passed out again . Mary and Mrs . Doyle followed along behind them , clinging to each other like they might fall over if they let go . My heart thudded in my ears , and I wished I could comfort Mary . But they were gone in a matter of seconds , and I had no idea what to do . I turned to search for Mother and Daddy in the crowd . Maybe they 'd know something . As I looked around , I saw what had made those people gasp the second time . All across the floor where Mr . Doyle and Coach Rayburn had stopped with Matthew , was a large splattering of blood nearly as black as tar . Through August 1 , I am running a fund raising campaign on Indiegogo to help cover all the costs of producing this novel . If you 'll follow the link provided , you can check out the details of what the money will cover , as well as the perks you get for different amounts of donating . Please consider contributing ; no amount is too small or insignificant . I would appreciate your support , through donations and through sharing this effort with your friends and family you believe might enjoy it . Again , simply follow this link : Posted by |
So , Friday night , we drove up to our favorite free place to go camping and went to our regular place . It was covered in RV 's . We had forgotten it was Memorial Day weekend . ( That happens when you don 't have any kids in school . ) So , we drove around the lake until we found a pretty secluded place ( still nearby the restrooms ) and camped there . Kevin fell asleep while we were looking for a place , which was okay since it was raining , so he stayed in the car while we unloaded . The dogs were pretty excited about the water . As we set up our tent and stirred up the dying embers that someone else had left , we spotted a bird out on the water . Grig wondered if it was a loon . I wasn 't sure . Later we found out it was a grebe . I think it 's a western grebe , though it could be a Clark 's grebe . Anyway , we were pretty excited to see them . The sunset on the lake was beautiful , and though it was a little chilly , once the rain stopped , it wasn 't too bad . He was pretty excited . He clambered over the rocks to get to his father , and the dogs were right behind him . Half way through this trip , we discovered that Siff is well - camouflaged . Can you find her in the picture below ? It took me a second when I was flipping through pictures . Arkhon was pretty happy to be back at this lake . I took a similar picture of him and Dakota last year . It made me a little sad to return to this lake , just because it was the last time I saw Dakota REALLY happy . She loved it here . Being back to the lake made me remember how I was swimming , and my old , fifteen - year - old dog swam out to me , even though I was pretty far out . She was so happy while we were camping . Seeing Arkhon sitting alone by the lake made me really aware of her loss again . He 's really grown up since she left us . Suddenly , Siff started woofing ; very quietly and softly . We heard a twig snap , and I whipped my camera in the direction of the sound . An eye gleamed green in the light of the camera , and I got the impression of a large animal ( at least as big as a large dog ) . It wasn 't too far away , but we lost sight of it pretty quickly in the darkness . Kevin got a little scared , but the dogs were calm so it was probably a deer or a dog . It 's hard to know . I would really like to know what it was , but it left us alone , so we didn 't chase it either . We went to bed soon after . Siff slept against the outside of our tent all night . She loved being outside and with us . I don 't think we ever saw her too hot the whole trip . Arkhon curled up nearby as well , and we slept , protected by our hounds . After a couple of hours , Grig got tired and took a nap while Kevin and I explored the surrounding area . We were excited to see a different kind of bird , which was correctly identified as a cormorant ( though the actual species is a double - crested cormorant . ) We actually caught one on video eating a fish . That was pretty cool . We realized again how different Siff and Arkhon are . When Arkhon was a puppy , and we came camping , it took him two days to finally be exhausted . Siff was tired after the first night . She was really happy though , and even off the leash stuck around . Arkhon disappeared one time ( which really surprised and worried us ) . He didn 't come when he was called , which is nearly unheard of for him , and so we started worrying that he had been hit by a car or stolen . In all actuality , he had found the dumpster , and his nose had turned off his ears . After that , he listened a lot better , and didn 't wander anymore , but we were a bit upset with him . Kevin and I found a neat place by a couple of trees where we found some nice round rocks . Those rocks became dinosaur eggs , and the t - rex Kevin protected them from the dogs and me . They eventually hatched , though when I tried to pick one up that I thought had wandered from the nest , he told me that they were all still with the eggs . It turns out , I don 't always imagine the same things as my son . These are the boys running down the boat ramp . Siff and I enjoyed watching them . Right after this picture was taken , Arkhon cut in front of Kevin and made him trip . It was an accident , but Kevin skinned his knee a bit . A few minutes later , they were right back to it . I found a cozy tree to climb into , and Kevin joined me . It was so nice to be out in nature . About this time , I found a really good stick and threw it into the water . Up to this point , Arkhon and Siff had been wading , but not really swimming . Arkhon finally remembered that he knew how to swim . After that , he fetched the stick nearly a dozen times . He was a great swimmer . Eventually , he was tired out , and then he didn 't want to swim anymore . Siff would get chest - deep , but she wasn 't motivated enough to really try . Then , around noon , we put on our swimming suits and got into the water . The water was cold , but after a few minutes of moving , it felt warm to me . Grig said it never felt warm to him , but we all had a great time . Kevin plunged right in , and would walk through the water while moving his arms and call it " swimming . " I made Siff swim one time too , but that was enough for her . I think as summer gains heat , they 'll be more excited about it . After a while , Kevin started to shiver , but after eating a doughnut , he wanted to get back into the water . I really enjoyed swimming too , though at one point , I was pretty far out , and a truck pulled up and began to back its boat down the dock . I had to rush back to shore to get out of the way , and after that I was tired . After a while , Grig made us lunch of ham sandwiches , and we warmed up and ate . Here , Kevin is hiding under his towel . I think he 's pretty hilarious . Everyone felt really rejuvenated . It was hard to leave , but we had to get back home . We had some things we needed to get done before the Sabbath . It really made us grateful for this world that our Heavenly Father has given us . Things worked out really well , and we were so grateful that we found a place away from most of the Memorial Day campers . It got a little loud after a while with all the boats blaring music on the lake , but we still were pretty far away from most of the craziness . We didn 't fish this time , because I need to renew my license , but we still had a really good time and enjoyed spending time together as a family . The other day , I left Kevin alone for a minute while I finished a project . It was nearly lunchtime , so I asked him if he wanted to come with me , but he said , " No . " I turned on a show for a minute and then I went to work . When I came back ten minutes later , Kevin had pulled out some ( previously cooked ) pancakes , slathered butter on them , and then was eating them with leftover syrup from breakfast . I was pretty amazed that he had made himself lunch . I couldn 't believe he was old enough to do that . Someone has told me that if you painted red rocks to look like strawberries before your actual strawberries ripen , the birds will peck at the rocks and leave the strawberries alone later . So , I decided to try it . Kevin and I gathered some rocks from outside and he helped me . He did really well . We 'd paint most of the rock red , and then put green on the part that we didn 't paint . Kevin did really well at being careful and trying to keep the paint in the right place . Then he helped me dot the strawberry with little yellow dots . I think they turned out great ! Those birds are going to be fooled for sure ! It was also amazing to realize that Arkhon isn 't even two yet . He turns two this year . It 's crazy to believe that he used to look like this : He 's such a handsome , lean animal . He used to be this chubby little puppy , but now he 's super - fast and strong . People always comment on how obedient he is as well . He and Kevin are such good friends . Arkhon is a very expressive fellow . His face speaks volumes , and I nearly always know exactly what he 's saying . It was also crazy to realize that Siff is nearly six months old . I haven 't been as good at blogging lately , but it 's been really neat to see how fast she 's progressed . She 's changed quite a bit to , from this : To this : She weighs more than Kevin now . He hasn 't been able to pick her up in a couple of months . I 'm convinced we have the best dogs in the world . They listen really well , and though their training isn 't complete , they are doing really well . Arkhon 's about 90 % where I 'd like him , and Siff is about 75 % . It 's fun to seen how much mental development has been occurring with her . Before the last couple weeks , when I 'd be trying to express my disapproval with her actions , she would continue to have the goofy puppy look on her face . Then , within the last couple of weeks , she suddenly has come to recognize my body language . Now she responds to it , and it 's been great to see that progression . Kevin was playing with the dogs in the backyard the other day , and I asked him what he was doing . He told me he was fighting zombies . I asked him who the zombies were . He told me that Siff was the zombie . I asked if Arkhon was a zombie to . " No , " he said , " Arkhon 's my dog . " Evidently Arkhon and Kevin were ganging up on Siff . That was kind of funny , but I told them to be nice to her . Sometimes they act so much like siblings . Stop picking on your baby sister ! ; ) Things have been pretty awesome . Part of the reason that I haven 't been blogging as well lately is because I 've been working on my book more . I 'm really close to finishing the second draft . I 'm really liking how it is turning out and should be ready for some beta readers soon . ( I think that 's the right term for it , I 'm still new to the whole writer 's slang thing . ) The toys weren 't ours , they were Kevin 's . So , we decided to talk to him about it . We brought him in his bedroom and told him that there were some people who had lost everything and we were trying to collect things to give them . We told him that there were children that didn 't have any toys , and we asked him to consider giving them some of his toys . A very serious expression came over Kevin 's face , and he solemnly nodded his head . Then , he went over to his toy box , and began to select toys to give the other children . He completely understood what we were asking him to do . He knew that he would never see his toys again , and he accepted that . What really impressed me , was which toys he selected . He didn 't pick toys he never played with . Instead he offered some of his favorites . He gave up one of his treasured dinosaur toys ( though he couldn 't quite bring him to give up one of his raptors , though he did think about it ) , and some of his cars . He offered one of his " kingdoms , " which are little featureless , wooden people from his train track . We told him that was very sweet , but that the children might not appreciate that particular toy . He also tried to give a singing t - rex , which he loves , but both of its arms were missing , so we didn 't want to send a broken toy . I don 't know that I 've ever been more proud of my son . He was so selfless , and he was very serious about wanting to help those children . He gave up somethings that he loved , and I was really proud of him . We compiled our box just as the girls returned . They took our box and drove away . Suddenly I remembered we had some phonics books . It took me a few minutes to find them , but when I asked Kevin if he wanted to give them up , he said no . Instead , he picked another favorite book , a pop - up book that made animal sounds , and said he wanted to give that instead . Again , I swelled with love for my son . Grig decided he wanted to give the kite that he had gotten for Christmas . Now I know where Kevin gets it from . We ended up keeping those last two items , but I still was really grateful that I have such a giving and loving family . I am also grateful for the opportunity we had to help our some people in need . We 've been really wanting to help the refugees , and it was nice to know that we could contribute . So , in February , we started looking . We went to a dealer . We were trying to find something that would last us for a long time , and it had been recommended to us that Hondas and Toyotas were usually high quality , even if they had a few more miles . So , for a while we didn 't worry about it . Our car began to have pretty serious issues . Sometimes it wouldn 't start . One day , it went completely dead . We took it to our mechanic and they told us our battery was dead , so we bought a new one and put it in . However , that didn 't fix our problem . During April things began to get worse . Our blinkers stopped working consistently . Often , they were fine ( especially during long trips when we 'd been saying prayers ) , but often we 'd just hear a mechanical buzzing or they wouldn 't work at all . Not sure if we had the money for a new car , we tried to take our car in to get it fixed . The mechanic couldn 't find anything wrong with it , and it worked perfectly for them . However , only the next day , the troubles came back . We tried this two more times . Each time , the car would be having issues , but as soon as we brought it to the mechanic it worked fine . We finally decided we needed to put our efforts toward purchasing a vehicle . Obviously the Lord didn 't want us to spend any more money on the impala . A short time after that , the air conditioning and heating stopped working . May began , and during the first Sunday , Grig and I fasted and prayed that he would finally get his raise and that we would be able to find the right car . We were still waiting for our first paycheck in May , which would show us how much we were making after taxes and insurance . As of the first week of May , Grig had now been working at his current job for over 6 months , which is usually how long banks want you to be working somewhere before they give you a loan . Then , last Wednesday , the long awaited day finally arrived . Grig received his check , and we looked to see what our actual workable income was . At lunch he called me and asked , " Wasn 't I making this much when I started ? " I told him , I didn 't know , but then I went and looked . It turned out that Grig had received a raise a month ago , but we hadn 't noticed because of all the back - paying we were doing for insurance . We were amazed ! Our fast had been answered , and even before we had asked for it . Grig thanked his supervisor , who was surprised that he had just noticed . Wednesday , we plugged the paycheck into our budgeting system and found that we could spend at least $ 200 on car payments a month . Thursday , we went and talked to a bank that had been recommended to us by the first dealership we had gone to . They seemed okay , but while we were applying for a loan and setting up an account , I couldn 't help but feel heavy . I wondered if it was just worry about borrowing money , but the feeling persisted , even after we had left the bank . Grig and I prayed about it , and Friday morning , while he was at work , I got on the computer and began to compare bank rates for auto insurance . It turned out that a different bank , that we had been wanting to get an account at for a long time anyway , had much better rates . Grig and I talked about it when he got home , and we decided to apply at this bank instead and cancel our other account . So , Friday night we did just that . We went in , got everything set up , and then decided to go to the dealership to " just look around . " We didn 't expect to find the car yet , but we wanted to get an idea of what was available . We had been told that this dealership was incredibly honest , and so they were our first choice . We found a couple of cars that we were interested in . One was a Toyota Sienna , and the other was a Honda Pilot . We test drove the Sienna first . It was less money and had fewer miles on it . However , it also didn 't feel right . It didn 't help that as the dealer got in to drive it over to us , it began to make a loud squeaky noise . However , when we got in the Pilot , everything felt right . It handled beautifully and had all sorts of features that we didn 't even know that we wanted . It had eight seats , which is something that I really wanted . It also had four wheel drive and a place for a trailer hitch , which are two things that Grig wanted . We both felt really good about it , and after praying about it , decided that this was the vehicle that we were supposed to get . So , when we drove back in , we went in with the agent and began to fill out paperwork . Our loan hadn 't been approved yet , but we were supposed to hear about it the next morning . We asked the agent if they would hold it for us , and he hesitated . He said , " If tomorrow wasn 't Saturday , I 'd say yes . However , since tomorrow is Saturday , we ask that you put down at least $ 300 , just so we know for sure you 're serious . " He left the room for a minutes so we could talk about it , and we prayed again . Feeling very light and good , we put the $ 300 down , with the expectation that we would return the next day and buy the car . We agreed to a down - payment amount , and had them appraise our Impala for a trade - in value . It was only priced at $ 200 , which was better than nothing . We printed off all the things we would need for the bank and drove away . The next morning , Grig was working a few extra hours . About mid - morning , the bank called me and told me that our loan was accepted . We had been praying that our Impala would keep going until we could get the new car , and it had been working pretty well for the past couple of weeks . However , I was having second thoughts . Not so much about the car , but about the amount we had agreed on for the down - payment . It would use up a lot of our buffer , and I was a bit worried about making such a large purchase . The thought of waiting until Monday crossed my mind several times . However , as I read scriptures and talked to Grig ( after he got home ) , we decided to just go for it . We felt that this is what the Lord was telling us to do , so He would provide for us . We were trying to stay carefully in our budget . After a few minutes , Grig ran over to the neighbors and he came to jump us . It took a while , but eventually the car started . Then , as we were about to drive off , Grig received a call from the dealer . They asked us if we still wanted the car . We told them that we were on the way to the bank right then . They told us that it was a good thing we had put down the $ 300 . A man was there saying he would buy the Pilot right then if we weren 't going to take it . If we had waited even a day , we wouldn 't have gotten this car . We left the car running while we went into the bank . The amount of our monthly car payment came to the perfect amount , and everything else went smoothly . We withdrew our down - payment and got the check from the bank . As we drove to the dealer , the low fuel light came on . We are so grateful for the many miracles , both large and small , that led to us being able to purchase this new car . We 're also grateful for the Impala . We bought it from some wonderful friends and it was a great car to the very end . It was such a great weekend . As we drove away from the dealer , I had the distinct impression that we were exactly where we were supposed to be and we had done exactly what we were supposed to do . I felt the Lord 's love for us , and the He was pleased with us . Last week , we had a death in the family . My cousin 's four month old baby , who was diagnosed with a congenital diaphragmatic hernia when she was born , passed away on April 22 . It 's been an emotional week for them , and for me . I felt prompted to ask them if I could make them a gift , and my offer was accepted . So for the past week , I 've been working on that . As I 've browsed through pictures and videos of this beautiful and amazing soul , I have really come to know her and to love her . Even though I was never able to meet her in person , she has really affected me . She had such strength and joy , and her expressions spoke volumes . On Saturday , we had the funeral , and her mother and father spoke . Her father gave an incredible life sketch which filled in the gaps that the pictures hadn 't told me . Her mother talked about lessons that she had learned from her daughter , and I wanted to share a couple of things that she taught me that day . One of the things I loved the most , was when my cousin talked about being happy . She said that for the first while , she was very sad . Not just that , but she felt like she was expected to be sad because things were very difficult . Her daughter had never left the hospital and her entire life had been uprooted as they lived hours away from their home , not knowing if her baby would survive each day . However , at one point my cousin decided that , if her daughter didn 't have very long to live , she didn 't want her to live her life " surrounded by sorry saps . " She wanted her daughter to know happy people . So , she chose to be happy , despite her circumstances , and she said that this decision changed everything . The other thing I really liked that they kept bringing up was miracles . We had quite a few fasts for their baby in our home , and we had a few family fasts with everyone else . Every time , something miraculous happened that helped this baby stay until her time on earth was completed . Miracles are real , and they do happen today . I have seen so many in our lives , and I 'm so grateful for the reminderEmma Tank |
Emma was in the bed by the door , oxygen tubing in her nose , an IV attached to her bruised arm . Her eyes were closed . " Oh my God , what happened ? " Jack asked . " Was she in some sort of an accident ? Emma , Sweetheart , can you hear me ? " He took her hand in his . " It 's cold as ice , " he said , rubbing it between his two . Then , he bowed his head and said to no one in particular , " Oh God , what happened to my baby ? " " Oh my poor baby , " he said . " I know how that feels . I fell on a rail in the coal mines one time and dislocated my hip . It was so painful . Do you think she 's in pain ? Emma , are you in pain , Sweetheart ? " he asked . " I 'm going to the desk to find the nurse , Jack , " the driver said . " You sit here with Emma . I 'll be right back . " " Oh my poor Emma , " Jack said . " Why didn 't someone tell me she fell ? When did this happen ? I could have been here with her . " Jack turned back to Emma and took her hand . He rubbed and patted it , watching her face . She opened her eyes and tried to smile at him . The nurse looked at Jack and then at the driver . " I 'm so sorry , " she said , shaking her head . The nurse injected the syringe of medicine into the IV and left the room . " The nurse gave her some pain medication , Jack , " the driver said . " She 'll probably sleep now . I think we should let her rest . " Jack pushed up from the wheelchair with effort . His legs shook , barely holding his weight as he leaned over Emma 's frail body . He stroked her cheek with bent fingers . Putting his face very close to hers , he asked again , " Do you know who this is ? " Emma looked so small and fragile there in the bed with tubes running from her arm and to her nose with oxygen . Her usually neat , coiffed hair was in a tangle on her head and her face was so pale it blended with the white of the pillow case . She looked up at Jack and said again , " Of course I know who you are Jack . " He had turned his good ear to her mouth after he asked the question . " Of course you know who I am , " he said . " I 'm the man who beats you within an inch of your life every day . " Emma smiled . They both chuckled at the long running joke between them . Jack moved his hand to Emma 's shoulder . It was bare where the faded blue and white hospital gown had slipped off . Her shoulder was thin and fit in Jack 's palm . He rubbed her skin before pulling the gown back up . He moved in close again , right over Emma 's face and said , " I need you to get better and come back to me . I miss you . " Emma closed her eyes tightly , then opened them again . She lifted her hand with effort to Jack 's head and smoothed his white hair . She put on a weak smile again and whispered , " I miss you too . " As he had done every night since they were married , Jack kissed her forehead , then , each of her eyelids , and finally , moved to her mouth . Emma lifted her lips to his and they kissed each other three times in succession , gently , with only a breath of sound . " I 'm going now so you can rest , " Jack said . " You behave , no running after good looking doctors . " Emma closed her eyes and shook her head , smiling again at her Jack . " You can always make me laugh Jack , even when I don 't think it 's in me , " she said . Emma came back to the nursing home a few days later , back to room 242 , back to Jack , but with a new diagnosis of bone cancer . Surgery to repair the hip was unsuccessful . Morphine kept her comfortable . She slept most of the time with Jack by her side , holding her hand . His worry was etched in the lines on his forehead . Emma awakened sometimes when he kissed her forehead . She reassured him with her smile . Emma had no appetite and her disinterest in food carried over to Jack . Staff members encouraged him , telling him he needed to keep his strength up for Emma . That afternoon , Jack finally accepted a bowl of his favorite soup . He bowed his head over the bowl and sent up a prayer for his Emma . As he brought the spoon to his mouth , soup spilled onto the front of his starched white shirt . He looked down at the stain , and frowned . As he unbuttoned his shirt , his hands began to shake and tears welled in his eyes . He finished stripping the shirt off and wiped his eyes with it , then threw it to the floor . He wheeled to the closet , pulled out a fresh one , struggled into it , and fastened the buttons . He pushed the wheeled table with the bowl of soup on it out to the hallway and closed the door . Jack hadn 't taken his colored pencils out since Emma fell . His worry had filled him , and his inspiration had slipped away . That evening , Emma opened her eyes when Jack leaned in to kiss her . Jack reached up and put his hand over hers , pulled her palm to his mouth and kissed it . They held each other 's gaze until Emma 's eyes closed . A little while later , he wheeled over to the night stand and gathered his sketchpad . Going back over to Emma 's bedside , he took out his pencil and began drawing her still , perfect form . Tags : Couple , death and dying , Elders , Her Still Perfect Form , Hospice , love story , m . dawn thacker , nursing home Posted in Series | 9 Comments » On Saturday afternoon Jack came out of the room looking for Emma . He wandered the long hallways , knocking on doors , peering inside to see if she was there . That night , his usual sound sleep was interrupted . He got himself up in the wheelchair to check her bed . She was gone . He wondered where she was , what had happened to her . It wasn 't like her to be out after dark , gone in the middle of the night . He wheeled to the door of the room and asked a nursing assistant passing by if she had seen his wife . " She 's still in the hospital Jack . " " You just woke up Jack . It 's easy to forget things when you 've been asleep . I 'll call the hospital and check on her for you . Let me tuck you in and I 'll come back with the news , " she said . On Sunday , Jack fell . He had gotten the wheelchair stuck between the double doors leading to the parking lot . He was trying to pull the chair free . A nurse found him on his knees , struggling . When she asked what happened , he said , " I lost my balance . I need to find Emma . " " I 'm worried sick , " Jack said . " I can 't take a bite of anything until she gets here . Emma is always here for lunch . " " She 's in the hospital Jack . Remember ? She fell and broke her hip Friday . " " Yes , on Friday . She was standing at the sink , lost her balance and fell . She broke her hip . They operated on Saturday . She 'll be home soon . " " In the hospital ? " he asked , his voice rising , his eyes wide . " What do you mean she 's in the hospital ? What happened ? Why didn 't someone let me know ? " And so it went . Jack searched and asked . Staff members reassured and explained . Mid - morning , a housekeeper found Jack sitting with his head in his hands , sobbing . " I 've lost the only woman I 've ever loved , " he said . " Why would Emma leave me ? " A nurse called the hospital to ask someone to take a phone to Emma so she could reassure Jack . The staff there tried , but Emma 's voice was weak , and Jack 's hearing was poor . That afternoon , the nursing home arranged for the facility bus to carry Jack to the hospital . He might not remember he had been to see Emma , but in the moment he was there , seeing her , being with her , he might find some comfort . It had been awhile since Jack was outside . " It sure is beautiful out here . Look at all these colors . I don 't remember the trees being this big . Look at all these cars . Emma would love riding on this bus . I wish she was here . I want to tell her about this , " he said on the twenty minute trip to the hospital . " Room 502 , " the volunteer at the front desk said . " Take this hallway to the elevators . She 's on the fifth floor . " " Fancy place , " Jack said . " Look at all these paintings . They 're beautiful . Emma would love them . She likes my drawings , but they aren 't nearly as fancy or pretty as these . She should come here and visit . Remind me to tell her about it and maybe you could bring us back here sometime . " " Sure Jack , I 'll be glad to , " the driver said as she pushed his wheelchair toward Emma 's room . Emma was in the bed by the door , oxygen tubing in her nose , an IV attached to her bruised arm . Her eyes were closed . " Oh my God , what happened ? " Jack asked . " Was she in some sort of an accident ? Emma , Sweetheart , can you hear me ? " They liked to sleep in . Emma 's breathing was not the best , and it took her a while to gather energy . Jack just liked to laze in bed . Emma was usually the first one up , walking barefoot in her long flannel nightgown to the sink to wash her face and brush her teeth . She looked in the mirror , patted her hair into place and pinched her cheeks for color . Then , padding over to Jack 's bed , she leaned down and kissed him awake . Opening his eyes , he reached up , touched her face and said , " there 's my morning sun . " " Oh stop that foolishness Jack and get yourself up . Breakfast is coming , " she said . They ate all three meals together in their room at the nursing home . The dining room was just too crowded and they would have to share a table with other people . Somehow , in their sixty - two years of marriage , they stayed selfish enough to be an exclusive pair . They didn 't plan to be childless , but when no babies came , it was alright . Emma knew how to arrange a dining experience ; she had lots of practice . Forty - three years before , she and Jack met at the cafeteria in town . She set tables . " I knew she was the one for me the minute I looked at that sweet face , " Jack told everyone who met them . " Just look at her . Could you have resisted ? " " Don 't you believe his stories , " Emma said , smiling . " He didn 't really know until the second date . " Then , they both laughed . Emma pushed their over - the - bed hospital tables together in the center of the room , covered them with a white linen cloth , and placed the vase with a silk rose in the middle . Jack had given her the flower for her birthday . When the stainless steel cart brought their meal trays down the hall , Emma assumed the role of waitress , placing the plates , glasses and utensils in perfect order on the couple 's make - shift dining table . She unfolded the napkin and tucked it under Jack 's chin . His button - up shirts never had a stain . Jack didn 't have nice shirts until retirement . He was a hard worker , did manual labor , got his hands and clothes dirty . He and Emma lived in West Virginia . He dug coal from the age of ten . Emma had the education . She could read , Jack couldn 't . The couple enjoyed a small mountain cabin with a garden spot out back . Electricity and running water came later on . Family was close by , and their church was just down the road . They lived in the same small town , in the same house , until Jack retired . That year , their minister died . His widow gave Jack all of the pastor 's clothes because the two men were the same size . Emma liked seeing Jack dressed up , so did Jack . Wearing those clothes made him feel a little closer to God . When he and Emma moved into the nursing home , Emma only packed Jack 's " preacher clothes . " In the afternoon , when Emma napped , Jack drew . He used colored pencils , and though his artwork was not learned by formal training , he showed natural talent . " My Mama used to ' oo ' and ' ah ' over my pictures when I was a boy , " Jack said . " She would take me outside with my paper and pencils and point to trees , flowers , mountain ranges , creeks and animals for me to draw , then she 'd tack the pictures up on the wall at home . She 'd show them off to anyone who visited . Weren 't for her , it never would have amounted to much . Heck , didn 't really amount to much anyway , but people from as far away as town came up to the house for me to draw them . I even made a little money sometimes . " Several of Jack 's pictures were framed and hung on the wall in his and Emma 's room . The one of Popeye was his favorite . " I always loved ' ol Popeye . He 'd pick up that can of spinach and get so strong , nothing could beat him or take his girl away , " Jack said . Some of Jack 's projects took days , some only hours . He drew cars , trains , mountains , birds and houses . Sometimes he sketched staff members ' faces to give away as a thank you for being kind . A nursing assistant asked him once , " Where are your drawings of Emma , Jack ? " " I never drew Emma , " Jack said . " Oh I tried . Just couldn 't do her justice . Look at her . Only God could draw something so beautiful , so I drew love birds instead . That one 's her and this one 's me , " he said pointing to the pair of framed birds on the wall . When people came to visit , Jack looked over to Emma for all the answers . His hearing was not so good anymore , and of the two , he considered her the smartest . He always had . She smiled graciously , and carried the conversation , while he smiled and nodded . Emma 's steadfastness reassured Jack . One Saturday afternoon Jack came out of the room looking for Emma . He wandered the long hallways , knocking on doors , peering inside to see if she was there . That night , his usual sound sleep was interrupted . He got himself up in the wheelchair to check her bed . She was gone . He wondered where she was , what had happened to her . It wasn 't like her to be out after dark , gone in the middle of the night . He wheeled to the door of the room and asked a nursing assistant passing by if she had seen his wife . Part 2 here : " We 'll be going right past your house on the way to Teresa 's , " I said . " We can drop by to pick up the rolls and cake . That 's awfully sweet of you to do Georgia . " " You know when Mama was in the nursing home , Ben visited her every week and she loved your boy better than she did cookies , and she loved cookies . He 's a good boy . I want to do this , and I want to see him . " I called Ben to relay the news . He loves Georgia and Earl . They are a married couple who argue and fuss with each other most of their waking hours . They never had children , but take care of everyone around them . Georgia wrote the cookbook for the Volunteer Rescue Squad Auxillary fundraiser , and Earl ran with the fire department until his legs gave out . He 's a long time member of the community Band . He plays the tuba . We 've never been to Earl and Georgia 's House . We either see them at the nursing home , or bump into them at the grocery or hardware store in town . Sometimes , they stop by our house on their way to or from Charlottesville . We spend forty - five minutes listening to their bickering banter , not being able to get a word in edgewise , just listening and laughing , before they reach in a bag and hand us a homemade goodie . They hug and kiss us before they leave . It may be a cliché , but Georgia 's baked goods melt in your mouth . We have fought over the last brownie or piece of spice cake . On Friday evening , when Ben and I pulled into Earl and Georgia 's driveway , cats scattered . There must have been five or six , all colors , all sizes . Three small dogs jostled for position in the bay window facing us and one jumped up and down at the storm door on the side porch , his head , reappearing in the glass every few seconds . All the dogs barked , non - stop . Ben and I got out of the car and headed to the front door . " Back here , " Georgia called from the side porch . She opened the door for us and when we stepped into the house , both of us stopped . The stench was overwhelming , a combination of cat pee amonia , dog poop , stale urine , canned cat food , moth balls and wet dog . Ben and I exchanged a glance . We turned to the couple and we smiled . They reached out , arms open and hugged us tight . " Well , look at you , young man . How much taller have you gotten ? " Earl asked , clasping Ben 's hand in his and slapping him on the back . Ben smiled and coughed , his eyes watering . I knew it was the smell , not his emotions . Georgia opened the window over the sink to let a cat in . It walked over to the plate of moist gray meat on the counter and began to lick the food . Georgia petted the tabby absentmindedly . " What time do you leave to go back to college tomorrow ? " she asked Ben . " Have to pull out pretty early in the morning , " he said . " I 've got a staff meeting in the afternoon I have to be back for . " I knew the staff meeting was at 5 : 00 in the afternoon . It takes two and a half hours to drive back to Ferrum . Ben was warding off a second invite . While Georgia wrapped and bagged the bread and cake , Earl took us on a tour of the house . There were dogs and cats , litter boxes , balls of fur and chew toys in every room . Cats perched on shelves , under cabinets , acted as centerpieces on tables , padded across counter tops and lazed in window sills . All the dogs followed after us , barking . Earl introduced us , " This is Yellow Cat , Bingo , Jeff , Mutt , Punkin , Spot , Dribbles … " On and on he went , picking them up petting and kissing them . Ben and I petted , patted and cooed to them . Earl showed us his framed goodbye poster from his 30 year anniversary party at GE where he spent his working years . We marveled at Georgia 's salt and pepper shaker collection , her cookbook collection and got to see Earl 's computer where he emails forty lonely old ladies around the world , just to keep them company . " Shut up that barking , " Earl yelled at the dogs . They didn 't listen . We walked back into the kitchen . Georgia stood beaming , holding out three packages , each with a dozen homemade yeast rolls . Cats had collected at her feet . Ben offered him one of the wrapped ones , but Earl laughed and said , " I was only funnin ' you Ben . Those are yours . She made me some of my own . " Georgia handed Ben the rolls and he leaned down as she stood on tip toe to kiss his cheek . " We love you boy . You know that don 't you ? You were so good to my Mama . She loved you too . You take these rolls and this cake back to college with you and share if you want to , but if you don 't want to , that 's ok , you can eat them all by yourself . " " Thank you Georgia . I appreciate these . That was awfully nice of you to do . Not sure whether I 'll share or not . Your cooking is the best , " Ben said . Earl walked us out to the car . He showed us where he 'd moved six azalea plants that week and where he 'd decorated the hay bale with black and orange ceramic cats for the children in the neighborhood . He picked up another cat , Dumpy , and introduced us . " There 's about six others you didn 't get to see , " he said . " They 'll show up tonight when it starts to get cool . They like to come in and sleep with us where it 's warm . " I imagined all those cats and dogs in Earl and Georgia 's bed . Earl hugged us . We got in the car , waved to him and Georgia as they stood on the porch , smiling , their arms around each other 's waists . Ben and I were silent until we reached the end of Apple Lane . " Sure felt like that many to me , " I said . " Do you think Earl and Georgia know how bad it smells ? " I doubt it . They 're probably used to it by now . " He dug around in my purse , pulled out the bottle and threw two of the pills back with some bottled water . He was quiet during the rest of the ride . We rounded the corner onto Three Notched Road and drove toward Teresa 's Café . We were almost there when Ben said , " Mom ? " " I know , " I said . " Georgia did say you could share . I think that might be a good idea . " Ben smiled , " Staff meeting tomorrow , " he said . Gillian saw darkness , felt it pressing on her chest . She heard voices calling for IV 's and stretchers , backboards and help . Above the blare of sirens someone said , " Ma ' am , Ma ' am , can you hear me ? " Gillian felt arms reach under her , lifting her onto something hard and flat . A man 's voice , very close to her ear , said , " It 's gonna be alright Ma ' am . You 're gonna be fine . This is an oxygen mask - to help you breathe . " A radio crackled with medical terms and Gillian drifted back . She was lying in a moving vehicle and couldn 't understand why . Gillian continued to fade in and out of consciousness until the ride ended . Then she heard the doors open and felt the stretcher being lifted and unfolded . Her chest hurt . The automatic doors of the ER slid open and bright lights blurred overhead . Gillian was in a hallway . Her glasses were gone . She felt her shoes slide off , then her socks . The cold metal of scissors slid along her leg as someone cut through her pants . Then she felt John 's sweater lift . Someone was cutting John 's sweater from her body . She wanted to scream " No ! " but couldn 't . She wanted to tell them they couldn 't take it . She needed his sweater . Then it was gone . John 's warmth was gone and Gillian felt colder than she ever had . Gillian fumbled on the bedside table for her glasses . Their thick lenses magnified her faded blue eyes . She pushed the covers off and lowered her stiff legs over the edge of the mattress . Her knees creaked . John was standing there , with a steaming mug of coffee in his hands . Gillian reached out and her fingers covered his before she took it . " Mmm , " she said , " smells just like heaven . " The warmth of the ceramic eased the arthritic ache in her hands . She tasted the coffee on his mouth and smiled . He was tousled . His sparse , silver hair stuck up in all directions and his eyebrows needed a trim . He hadn 't put his teeth in yet and his thin face looked all the more gaunt . The treatments had taken their toll , though his blue eyes still twinkled - the same eyes that drew her to him fifty years ago . Their wedding picture on the nightstand was black and white , but Gillian remembered the colors . " At 11 : 00 , but they want us there a little early to fill out more forms . You go ahead and turn on the water . Let it get warm and I 'll get us a refill . Be there in a few minutes . " " Never mind , here 's your robe , " he said , holding it up for her to put her arms in . She tied the sash and reached for her cane before shuffling out of the bedroom , heading for the kitchen . She heard his slippers scuffing on the floor behind her as he made his way to the bathroom . Gillian followed John 's path of discarded clothes . For someone so organized , he never picked up an article of his clothing . It was harder and harder for Gillian to bend down and scoop up his underwear and socks . She had a good mind to leave them until he ran out of clean ones . " Raisins , " she reminded herself . John was already in the shower , washing , when she returned . Steam fogged her glasses and she set the mug down on the vanity and slid open the shower door . John handed her a washcloth . He had already soaped it . She felt the hills and valleys of vertebrae along his spine as she rubbed him with it . She remembered when the muscles of his back were strong and supple under her hand . She remembered when her fingers were long and straight . Time had changed their bodies , but not their touch . She scrubbed the right side of his back , just under his shoulder blade . He turned , rinsed , and stepped out of the shower and into the towel Gillian wrapped around his middle . She hugged him tight , then slipped off her robe . When she turned to face him , he waggled his bushy eyebrows and smiled a lecherous grin , growling low in his throat . Gillian made a sneer , but John took her hands and held her close . For a full minute they embraced , standing in the bathroom , the shower running and the fan spinning . " We 'll always be together , Jilly , I promise . " " Here , " she said , handing him the mug of coffee . " This will have to quench your thirst . We don 't have time for anything else this morning - and you have to eat your fancy breakfast . " She flashed a smile then stepped into the shower , soaped the washcloth and handed it to him before turning . He chuckled as he washed her back . It seemed he knew just the right spots on her , too . Gillian dressed in a comfortable pair of pants and button - up shirt . Her gray hair was straight , cut short , in a bob that would have been a cute style , except this morning she pulled her bangs severely to the side and anchored them with a pin . Her thick ankle length socks were visible through the buckled sandals she wore . The socks were loose from years of wear . Before she and John left the house , Gillian asked for the third time , " Did you turn off all the lights ? " " If it isn 't the coffee maker , it 's the stove , or the fan in the bathroom . Yes Jilly , I turned off the lights . " John sighed deeply , holding the front door open for her . The appointment with Dr . Stevens was a referral from Dr . Davis . One day , not too long after John 's treatments started for the lung cancer , Gillian experienced a shortness of breath that was unusual for her . Small exertions winded her to the point that she 'd have to sit down and rest before finishing a simple task like washing dishes or making the bed . John was concerned about her heart . " You are going to the doctor , Gillian . I 'm worried . " Tests revealed no conclusive reason for Gillian 's difficulty breathing . Her heart was strong and her lungs were clear . She had no wheezing that would suggest asthma , and no signs of bronchitis . " Oh , that . I 've had it awhile . Just an age spot . I have them all over me . I tell John they 're my beauty marks . I should be gorgeous by now . " " This spot concerns me , Gillian . I think it might be an issue . I want to send you to a dermatologist who can tell us some more . I 'd like her to look at it . I believe it needs to be removed . " Gillian couldn 't speak . She handed the phone to John , and sank down into her rocker . She had cancer . She had been strong for John . Now , she felt her own strength start to slip away . She heard John say , " Okay Dr . Stevens , we 'll be there . Thank you . " At the parking lot , John circled , looking for a vacant space close to the front of the office building . All the handicapped spots were taken . " I know all those people can walk , " John complained . " Just park , John . I don 't want to be late and you going around and around is wasting time . " This happened every time they went somewhere . He had to search for the closest space . Male pride and territory , she thought . " Look , there 's someone pulling out of a space , right there , in front , " he announced , whipping the car to the right . Gillian braced herself , holding onto the door handle as the car careened , sliding her over toward John . Words came up , but she bit her tongue to keep them from spilling out . They walked up to a metal and glass door marked " Dermatology / Surgery . " The entrance was tall , reaching almost to the second floor and wide enough for two couples to pass . They stood side by side , looking at the sign . " Not the place for us , they must treat giants here , " John said . He grasped the handle and pulled , using his cane for leverage . His breathing was labored due to the tumor and his weakened condition . The exertion taxed him , but he held the door for Gillian . The waiting room was almost full , and the only young people in the office were staff . They worked behind a glass partition , like the barrier protected them from age , or the skin cancer that dotted the assembly of ex - sun worshippers on the other side . Staff busied themselves , not looking at each other . They seemed like drones in a beehive , scurrying . The waiting area was a contrast , people sat silently , staring straight ahead , or thumbing through old magazines , not really reading . They flipped time away until they were called for a prognosis . John and Gillian stood just inside the entrance and surveyed the room . It felt like they were on a precipice , waiting to fall into a world of worry . John spotted the only two chairs available side by side and pointed them out to his wife . Eyes turned to the couple as they walked into the waiting room . Gillian was taller than most women of her generation . She was thin and had taken on the square look that comes to a woman as she moves into later decades . She had pilfered John 's dark cable knit sweater from his closet earlier in the fall . She wore it all the time now - since his diagnosis - and it hung on her frame . The sweater was too big , but cozy , and it made her feel like she was wrapped in John 's warmth . John was also slim and not much taller than his wife . He wore a denim button down shirt , tucked into faded Chinos . His black belt was thin . His hair was silver , combed back from his forehead and neatly trimmed , but sparse from the chemo treatments . John wore socks like his wife 's and the same kind of leather buckle sandals , only his were heavier , dark and wide . Along with his cane , he carried an attaché case with handles and the round imprint of an insurance company 's logo . The couple was a matching pair , like a set in Gillian 's salt and pepper shaker collection . People had commented for years that John and Gillian looked more like brother and sister than husband and wife . When Gillian looked back at their early photos as a couple , they didn 't resemble each other . Funny , how almost fifty years together could mold two people into one shape . Yet that seemed to be the extent of their likeness . John was the logical one . He balanced the checkbook to the penny , kept his tools organized on peg boards , and put up with her intuition but didn 't understand anything about it . Gillian was the emotional one , an artist , disorganized and flighty . John often said , " I got caught up in the whirlwind of Jilly and ran behind her picking up pieces to save in my pockets until she needed them again . " He carried his cane in his right hand , she carried hers in her left . The pair walked to the seats and John helped his wife settle into one . A minute later , he came back with a clip board . She took his cane and leaned it against hers . Midway through the first page , he reached for his case , opened it , and pulled out a flat wallet . He slid out several small cards , and copied information onto the forms . Every once in a while he would turn and study her , as if looking would help him remember the answers , then he went back to writing . " Here they are , " she said , taking them from her purse . He looked at the four brown bottles one at a time and copied their names onto the form , calling them out so she could tell him what they were for , " Heart , blood pressure , cholesterol , depression . " He limped the clipboard back to the receptionist and returned . " Jan called this morning while you were finishing in the shower , " he said . " She wanted to know if we needed a ride . She rattled off about twenty things she had to get done before the kids got home from school . I told her we 'd be fine . " " Those kids and that husband of hers are going to kill her , " Gillian said . " It 's no wonder she 's so thin and doesn 't sleep at night . She worries too much . Why did you tell her we were even coming for this today ? " " Of course I would , but you know how she worries and frets . I just hate to add one more thing to her plate . She 's worried about Jim 's job . They 're downsizing , and Sam is failing something he has to pass to graduate . Ellie 's running around with that boy who 's too old for her with tattoos on his body and earrings all over his face , and that damned dog of theirs just had puppies . You just shouldn 't have told her , that 's all . " The nurse approached and motioned for them to come to the examination room . John stood , took his cane and slipped his hand under Gillian 's arm . She pushed up from the chair and rocked forward a couple of times before gaining enough momentum to get up . He steadied her and then slid his case under his arm and placed his free hand on the small of her back . " It 's melanoma , " the doctor said . " It 's the most dangerous of the skin cancers . The cells that produce skin pigment start growing aggressively . We see melanoma more in fair skinned people with blue eyes , like you Gillian . This lesion is fairly large . I would say it 's been here awhile . Is that right ? " " The most important thing is that you are here . We can remove the lesion and treat the area , " said Dr . Stevens . The surgery shouldn 't take too long . Sit here Gillian , and let 's take a look . " Dr . Stevens adjusted her glasses and snapped on rubber gloves . She pressed on Gillian 's forehead and bent close to examine . Gillian could smell mint on Dr . Steven 's breath . It was fresh , but reminded her of a medical office . " We 'll remove the lesion , freeze it and slice it into small sections , looking at the cells under a microscope for any malignancy . Hopefully , when we reach the bottom slice we see no more of the bad cells . If we do , though , we 'll remove more tissue and repeat the process . We only need to use local anesthetic , Gillian , you 'll be awake the whole time . " " Oh , " said Gillian , her eyes downcast . She had seen the effects of the chemo on John and couldn 't fathom how they would manage treatments at the same time . She felt like the chemicals were killing John slowly , right before her eyes . He was brave and put up a good front , but his thin , bent body told the truth . Gillian wasn 't afraid of dying . She worried about not being able to care for John . She looked at him , tears welling in her eyes . He reached out , squeezed her hand and gave a smile . Gillian took a deep breath . Dr . Stevens patted her shoulder and said , " Let 's get started , alright ? " Can I stay with her ? " John asked , not letting go of Gillian 's hand . She opened her purse and rummaged around until she found the small white bottle . She opened it and spilled two tablets into his open hand . He threw them back and drank from the fountain by the elevator . They walked out of the medical office and turned left onto the sidewalk . Gillian reached out with her free hand and grasped John 's . Their fingers tightened . Together , they walked slowly to their car , an older Chevy , its blue paint , faded like her eyes and his pants . John opened the passenger door . Gillian put her cane and his case inside . Then shestraightened up and turned around to face him , backing herself up until she felt the edge of the seat behind her . She stopped and looked up at John . He rested his cane against the open door and lifted his thin hands to frame his wife 's face . He leaned close and kissed the bandage on her forehead . " We 'll get through this together , Jilly , I promise . We always do , " he reassured her , gazing into her eyes . He helped her into the seat and closed the door , then walked around the vehicle and got in . " How about a cup of coffee ? " John pulled up to the intersection . He put on the left blinker and accelerated , proceeding through the turn that would take them to their favorite coffee shop . He glanced to Gillian , she was still smiling , even with the silly bandage . He didn 't see the tractor - trailer coming . John 's light was green . One second Gillian was smiling at John and the next she saw the square glass headlights and silver grill of the truck . Her mouth opened as she lifted her hand to point . John turned to look just before it hit them . Gillian screamed . Darkness . Darkness and then chaos . Sirens wailed and men yelled . The smell of gas so strong it burned her nose and throat . Heavy footsteps ran on the pavement . No focus . Blurry figures bending close . The sound of metal wrenching . She thought she heard John say , " Gillian . " But his voice sounded weak and then it was gone . Big yellow boots . Flashing lights . Gillian closed her eyes , trying to make sense of it . Where was she ? What happened ? Where was John ? He always steadied her when things were confusing or chaotic . His voice soothed her and his touch calmed her . Where did he go ? " He 's not breathing , his heart 's stopped . Give me those paddles , " Gillian heard a man say . " We 're losing him . Clear - " Then a jolt . Pain in her chest stole her breath and Gillian knew . John was dead . She felt it . She didn 't need to open her eyes and see . Gillian could feel John 's spirit rising from his body and pulling hers with it . " Don 't you dare leave me , John Hill , " she whispered . " We 're supposed to be together - you promised . " He heard Gillian and she was mad . " Don 't you dare leave me , John Hill , " she whispered . " We 're supposed to be together - you promised . " He could hear her , but he couldn 't see her . If he got to her quickly enough , told her a joke , kissed her , he wouldn 't get the cold shoulder tonight . She 'd forgive him . This dream was like one of those new 3D movies where things and people floated out of the screen and over the audience . John was up , not in the sky , but above everything going on . The colors below him were bright , but the sound was brighter . John couldn 't remember the last time he could hear this well . Sirens wailed and rescue people called out . The smell of the gas spilling on the asphalt assailed John 's nostrils , but didn 't burn his nose and eyes . A firefighter in heavy bright yellow pants was spraying foam under and around the car and truck . Others were working feverishly to get the passenger side door open . A firefighter came running with a large metal tool . He and another squad member wrestled with it at the passenger side of a car . John could see clearly , every color , every shape , even the tiny pieces of gray gravel scattered on the pavement . The painted white and yellow lines on the road were bright and clear . The truck was pitched to the side yawning over a mashed car . The car was a faded blue , 70 's model Chevy , just like his . The car even had a dent on the right front fender . Then it dawned on him . Forty years ago , John had saved every extra dollar he could find in a Dutch Masters cigar box to buy that car . He 'd walked onto the lot and handed the salesman a wad of cash , leaving the man open - mouthed . John smiled thinking back to that moment . Those keys in his hand , that motor under his command was almost as good as - " There , got it , " the man 's voice interrupted John 's thoughts . The sound of metal wrenching made him want to cover his ears . He looked at his car , his baby , ruined . He washed and polished the Nova every week , vacuumed the interior religiously and changed the oil more often than the owner 's manual instructed . His car was under the wheels of that huge truck . No one ever drove that car but John . Who had stolen his car ? He noticed that the rescue worker covered the bloody body he had been working on with a blanket . John 's first thought was , " Served him right , for stealing my car , " Then he admonished himself . No car is worth a man 's life . " Grab that backboard . Be easy , watch her neck , " another cautioned , John wanted to move to see who the worker was referring to . He was interested in seeing this " she " who was with the man who stole his car . He kept trying to move , but this dream had him suspended in one spot . The rescue squad workers pulled the stretcher and a backboard from the van and hurried over . Gently , they lifted the woman from the wreckage and onto the backboard . As they moved the body , John 's body moved in tandem . The woman 's feet came into view . Her sandals looked like Gillian 's . A squad member bent over the woman with an oxygen mask . " It 's gonna be alright Ma ' am . You 're gonna be fine . This is an oxygen mask , to help you breathe , " John heard the young man say . " Oh my God , it 's Gillian on that backboard , under that oxygen mask . She was in the car . " John wanted to wake up . " Wake up , Dammit ! " he yelled to himself . He pinched himself , slapped his own face . Nothing worked . " Gillian ! " he called loudly . She didn 't open her eyes , no one looked up . He continued to hover over his wife , helpless . It was as if he were an invisible helium balloon attached to Gillian by an invisible thread . They loaded her into the ambulance and John floated in the ceiling of the van right over her . They rode to the hospital together as the squad members inserted an IV and applied a neck collar to his wife . The workers talked back and forth , never noticing John suspended there right above them . " Hey , you with the red hair , that 's my wife . Be careful . Hey , you with the needle , she hates needles . I need to hold her hand when you do that . Wait a second , I can 't reach . " He hovered over her as she was taken from the ambulance , wheeled through the hallway , as they sliced off her clothes . They cut away his sweater from her body . She was cold ; he could feel it and he couldn 't warm her . His heat had risen . |
Everyone keeps telling me I need to tell my story . I don 't know why . It is a story of sadness and loss . BUT then I realize it is also a story of redemption , both for the one who left and those left behind . Maybe my story can spur someone else on when their storm of life comes . Or perhaps , it can help someone whose storm has already come to get up and try living again . I never imagined the power of words until the day just one sentence changed my life forevermore . The words came from the mouth of my pastor , whom I thought so much of and surely trusted , but the words didn 't make sense and I had trouble hearing them . " There 's been a wreck . " Nothing in life had ever prepared me for that moment in time . I 'd had trials before and had even lost my own father one beautiful Saturday morning unexpectedly , many years before . But nothing could have prepared me for hearing those words and having to draw my next breath alone in this world . Alone . How could that be ? How was it possible that the very person who was so intertwined with my own body could have slipped away from this world without me knowing it ? Patrick and I were just one person living in two separate bodies . We 'd been like that for years and planned to be like that forever . So , how then was it possible ? I put up a wall of defense against my pastor and the others in the room , insisting that if they 'd just take me to him , I could make it alright . I knew he would never die if I was there . I don 't think I even cried . Going home was so confusing . We passed cars and trucks and the sky was so blue , still I was struggling with those words that had started it all , " There 's been a wreck . " And how is everyone still going about their daily business if Patrick is dead ? The world shouldn 't still be turning . When we drove into the long driveway , there were cars everywhere and people standing all over the yard . Why were all those people here ? I just wanted to find my Patrick and get back to our life . A thick fog had surrounded me , and I was very calm . I went into our home and straight to our bathroom . There on his sink was the proof of his life at home that morning : bits of his morning shave still on the edges . I started picking them up like a scavenger . I grabbed his toothbrush and stuck it into my mouth . I ran to the little hamper of dirty clothes . I found one work shirt that smelled like sweet sweat , and the dress shirt he 'd worn to church just two days before that still carried the faint smell of his cologne . I grabbed them and stuffed them into my closet like a thief . The craziness had begun , and I was only one hour into the nightmare . And I still had a job to do . I had to tell our children . All eight of them . They were foreign words I had never intended to use and had never rehearsed . How do you tell your kids their protector , friend , comedian , playmate , cook , spiritual leader and father is never coming home again ? I thought if I repeated the words out loud myself it would be accepting or agreeing with what I 'd been told , and I was not ready to do that . I wanted to protect them from all that I had been told . With a couple of them , I started telling there 'd been a mistake and how some men thought something was wrong with Daddy , but that we just weren 't sure . My pastor intervened and said those ugly words again . I didn 't like him saying those words . We went to one school and gathered a couple more of them up and drove home in silence . Before the late afternoon , all of them would be told . Our plans for life had been changed , and from the 2 year - olds to the 22 year - old , they were each trying to figure out what we do now . Now that Daddy is gone . I thought that was the worst day of my life , but it wasn 't . The next day I woke up to a world completely without Patrick . Just the day before , we 'd been laughing in the kitchen and talking about taking a trip together , just he and I . Plus , we were walking on air from the recent addition to our family when Tucker was adopted exactly one week before . We had been living on the mountaintop for sure . We had no idea how close to the edge of the mountaintop we had been placed . And plans - we had plans . There was still so much to do . We still had three babies in diapers . We had plans to one day have them all in underwear . We cooked chicken that morning at 6 : 30 before leaving for work that would have been supper that night . We had planned to have our evening meal together with our kids like usual . We had plans to never miss a summer at the beach . We had plans to live hand - in - hand for a long time and die the very same day . Patrick had just gotten so excited about the gray showing in the sides of his hair because he thought people would stop thinking he dyed his hair black . We had plans to grow old and gray together . But those were our plans , not God 's . God 's will for our life was different , very different . That day would be the first day of the new empty world for me . There was a lot of commotion at the house with people in and out bringing food and things . I still wasn 't convinced that Patrick was really dead , but I knew that he had not come home the night before and so was having to accept it in pieces . I finally got the approval to go to the funeral home to talk to them and see him in the late afternoon . I went there thinking that all the things people had said would be proven to be wrong ; and they 'd tell me they were sorry , they were mistaken , and he 'd come home with me . Instead , I was told that I would not be able to see him at all . Today , I understand those words , but on that day , I didn 't . I told them I absolutely had to see him . Period . So , they went into the room with him and came back out and allowed me to go in . A week passed , and we 'd had beautiful weather . Now completely immersed in the merciful shock that is given at a time like this , I set about to do things that I thought needed to be done . I had seen people mark wreck spots with wreaths before , so I picked one out someone had sent and decided to go and place it at the wreck site . I had not been to the wreck site yet , but I knew approximately where it was . My daughter , Jade , and now son - in - law , Matt , and my youngest daughter , Rumor , and I all got into the car to make the drive , thinking this would bring peace somehow . We drove down the highway until we thought we might have gone too far , and suddenly I saw the brand new telephone pole and realized we were there . I pulled the car over on the side of the road and got out . I thought about how Patrick loved the sky when it was that blue . Fall was his favorite kind of weather . I went around back to retrieve the wreath while the others unloaded . The people living there noticed us and came out to us . I asked the elderly lady if I could put the wreath out and used the words I had already learned to hate , " My husband was killed " here . She said I could , and I started for the pole to put it there . The woman looked at me , and with the same expression you would use telling someone what you are planning for dinner today said , " Honey , why are you putting it there ? Here 's where he bled out , " while pointing to a big , black , shiny patch of grass . All the blood drained from my face , and I thought I would pass out . There , where she was pointing , it looked like there had been a grass fire but the grass had survived and was just very black and shiny . I asked her if she was sure that was him , and she assured me it was . I made the quick decision to stick the wreath on the pole anyway and knew I needed to get Jade back to the car . Going around the front of the car , I saw an 18 wheeler coming around the slight turn in the road at full speed , and I had an instant impulse to jump out in front of him . It was a happy feeling that just engulfed mAll day , the thoughts of that blood laying on that grass haunted me . I felt like I had abandoned him there by leaving it . When it was time to round all the kids up , I knew I had to do something . I put my five youngest kids in the car , four in car seats and Cameron in the front seat with me , and at about dusk , I started the drive back . When we got there , I told Cameron she had to stay in the car and make sure the babies did the same . I did not explain where we were or what I was doing . I parked back a little ways so that they couldn 't see . Armed with the plastic shopping bag I 'd brought , I ran to the spot and fell down . I realized at that moment that it smelled , and got sick . I pulled every blade of grass from the spot and put it into my bag . I wasn 't going to leave him there another night alone . I loaded those remains in the back of my car beside my baby stroller and started the drive back home . I stopped at a big gas station to try to get the smell off my hands . That smell is stubborn and didn 't want to leave me . That night , after all the babies were safe and sound in bed , I went outside and burned the bag . That was the worst day of my life . Firm in the clutches of grief , I started driving . I 'd drive all day until time for the kids to come home , and then after they went to bed , I 'd drive all night . No where in particular , just anywhere that wasn 't home . That was my method of doing things until my pastor and others urged me to seek counseling . I thought I was making some headway in my thinking since I had realized that what I was , was completely and utterly disappointed with life . No dream I had ever had would now come true . I made an appointment to see the professionals . The day before the appointment , I was worried I wouldn 't be able to find it and thought , " I need to see if Patrick can take off work and take me . " Thoughts like that ambushed me daily and knocked me back down again . When I did finally make it to the appointment and while I was waiting to be called back , I had [ what I thought was ] a light bulb moment . " Patrick is here ! That 's why everyone is insisting that I come here . He 's here , and they are going to give him to me when I get back there ! " You can only imagine the excitement I felt when my name was called , kind of like the joy that rose up at the cemetery . I almost ran down the hallway to the doctor 's office . When he opened the door for me to come in , I drew in my breath with anticipation of seeing my beloved . He was not there . I got angry again . The doctor started shouting scriptures at me . I got even more mad . If there is one thing I know , it is scriptures . What I did not know was how I was supposed to live without my husband . After I shouted a few things at him , he sat back and opened my folder as if for the first time . His jaw dropped and he said , " This is a train wreck . You have every age group [ of children ] to have to grieve with and you will have to grieve for yourself , too . " He got out his prescription pad and started writing . I had meds to take in the morning , meds to take at 4 in the afternoon , and some more to take at bedtime . The kids were all still reeling . Elijah said he was angry that his daddy was in heaven , and Rumor had night terrors - screaming through the night . Cameron and Callahan were each very quiet and seemed to just be taking it all in , not knowing what to do . Halle cried for her daddy , especially when it was time to do her hair . That was " their " time together , as he had mastered her African American hair like a pro , and he was so precious with her . Each one of the eight grieved in their own ways . I felt completely unable to be of any assistance to them in their grieving , because I was drowning in my own . I refused to survive him . That was never in my thoughts - surviving Patrick . I didn 't want to . I wanted to join him and be happy again . Whenever our family was out , Elijah would see a truck - any type that was tan in color - and he 'd scream , " There 's my daddy ! There he is ! " That made me so sad that he thought his daddy was just driving around and choosing to not come home . I made a return appointment at the Psychiatrist 's office to speak with a lady . She sat there and cried while I told her my story . No words have been invented that can accurately describe the ugliness of the feelings of grief and loss , so I just chose to talk about Patrick and his life . She was so precious and kind - hearted . But everything she would say , I would sit there and snarl inside thinking , " That 's all good and fine until you have to put that into your life and make it work . You are going home to your husband , and I never will again . " One of her last comments really stuck with me . She said , " If you could just hit a fast forward button two years , you would see that you will survive . Everything will be okay . " There I was just wanting to make it to bedtime today without killing myself ; two years I couldn 't even comprehend . Maybe this kind of therapy wasn 't good for me . One widow I knew called me to offer advice . She said I should look at his picture every day and say , " You are dead . " I tried , but it didn 't help . Besides , I thought the woman couldn 't have loved her husband like I did mine . After all , she had since remarried . So , there I was , a member of a society of people I never wanted to be a member of . The cost of admission was too high . Widowed . I hated the word and even more the meaning of the word . In those days , I had one thought that was constantly on my mind . Death . I knew it was a sure , instant cure for what was hurting me , and it would do two things : end my hurt on earth , and allow me to be rejoined with Patrick in heaven . Oh , what a wonderful thought ! I had turned away from God , so I didn 't even have Him to reach out to . Those meds probably saved my life . Everything that has happened in our lives since the day of the wreck , every single increment of time , is measured by that morning . Did it happen before " that " day or since " that " day ? Time went on , and our family settled into a " new normal . " But the funny house was not funny anymore . All the laughter had died with Patrick . So did all his good cooking . Nothing was fun anymore and nothing tasted good . We all just co - existed together , trying to fake being a family that was whole . We were not . One man wrote a beautiful story about Patrick and in it he described us as " remnants and leftovers . " So true . I realized one day on a driving trip that I would never do his laundry again , and was overcome with grief . Hysterical at the very thought that his cargo shorts would never need to be cleaned again . When someone dies , everything about them dies and you miss it all . I had lots of people who told me good things and true things , but most of them had never been where I was . I had one person , called my " safe friend , " that I could tell anything to , and she would do the same . She was wonderful and had been with her best friend through the death of a husband and used a lot of that experience to encourage me forward . I had been watching a widow at church going through her own ordeal that had started just 10 months before mine , and had marveled at how well she seemed to be doing . I was secretly taking notes , I guess . I had one friend who lost his wife the same week I lost Patrick , but together we were just the blind leading the blind . Neither one an expert on the subject , so we just got together and cried a lot . I had watched my mother and mother - in - law lose their husbands , but they were both suffering so from losing Patrick still , that I couldn 't lean on them either . I found myself deeper and deeper in the pit . We had holidays to face . The first was Thanksgiving . It was painful , and I stayed in bed all day . Jordan tried to make something in the kitchen , and when she pulled down the can of shortening , she became inconsolable . TherThanksgiving felt like it gobbled us all up , and the thought of facing Christmas was scary . People were calling every day wanting to buy us things and do Christmas for the kids , and I refused them all . Celebrate ? Who wants " things ? " We all wanted the same thing - our old life back the way it used to be . Our Santa was not coming home for the occasion and we all knew it . If I didn 't think we could face the day , I guess I thought we could try to out run it . We planned to make a getaway to Branson for a few days . The black cloud that hung over us followed us all the way and positioned itself directly over the condo and our lives . It was the most miserable feeling . Being in a strange place on our favorite holiday without him . I felt stupid for thinking the geography would make any difference . On the way back home , the day after Christmas , I fantasized in my head that Patrick would be standing at the stove , stirring something , and the house would be full of wonderful smells . When we opened the front door , he would take two steps backward and look to the front door with that beautiful smile welcoming us back in . By the time the three and a half hour drive was over , I had myself so excited and convinced , that walking back into the dark house that had no particular smell of any kind and no joy , just like I had left it , knocked me right back down in the pit again . Jordan had given me a book that I started reading , called A Grief Observed , by C . S . Lewis . It was an account of him watching his wife die from cancer though , so I didn 't relate directly to his process . My process had been instant , without warning , and my wrestling with God had all come after the fact . I was able to be thankful that Patrick had never suffered and had to re - think my argument with God for not letting me know His plan beforehand . Maybe it was better not to have known with the end results being the same . Reading the book , I did think about a man we had known who probably could relate to it . He had been an umpire at the softball fields when our big girls were younger , and his sweet wife had battled cancer . She 'd lost . Reading the book , I thought about him and wondered what his formula was for surviving . We never stopped attending church faithfully , but my personal prayer life had suffered irreparable damage . I was mad at God and confused that I had served Him over the years and felt so close to Him . Then He turned his face from me . Not only had I lost my husband , I thought I had lost my Savior , too . I had lost both of my best friends . Before " that " day , a friend of mine had once called me a spoiled - rotten - prayer - brat because everything I prayed for came to pass . Spoiled no more . I eventually went back to work and tried to fit in , but the me I used to be was gone . The death had robbed me of my joy . I hated meeting new people at work because I always felt like I should come with a disclaimer , " I wish I could have met you when I was really myself . " Now I felt like someone else living someone else 's dumb life . Not me , and surely not on the mountaintop I was used to . A foreigner in my own skin . Still confused and fumbling with what to do with life , months passed . All the bottles of shampoo and soap Patrick had been a part of had been used up and thrown away . In my state of mind , that was a huge deal . To throw away something he 'd touched . I knew that meant moving forward . I hated things coming in that he hadn 't touched . I despised the new shampoo bottles because they didn 't know him . I craved Patrick even more and got up in a different daze every morning , remembering that it was just another day without him . The first Monday of May , I made an appointment at the doctor . I knew I was clinically going crazy , with all my thoughts swirling around my head . She assured me that I wasn 't crazy , but that what was happening was that I was only beginning to relate to this reality , without any more shock value . She explained that for several months the reality is kept at bay by a layer of that merciful shock , and once it is gone , you feel like you are going backwards . At seven months , the bumper guards had left me . I was still on the medicine , so apparently its effects were not as good anymore either . No matter how much I wanted time to rewind , time was marching on . One daughter got married . One landed her first " real " teaching job and moved away . Our son got his license to drive . All the babies got potty - trained . That all sounds like progress , but we were really just treading water and going nowhere . Later that summer , we went back to the ball field for Cameron to play ball . There , I saw the man I had seen the year before . The funny umpire , the one who lost his wife . Just one year before , I had seen him and had literally turned my back when he smiled at me and the babies . I couldn 't look at him without thinking about him losing his wife to cancer . It was mine and Patrick 's first time to see him since she 'd died three years before , and it was difficult to see him out there without her beside him like normal . Patrick and I had both talked about seeing him that night and the sadness we felt for him . Fast forward one year , there I was standing in his shoes in the same ball field seeing people turn away instead of looking at me . One ball season later , and everything had changed . I had an urge to approach him just to apologize for my behavior a year before and say something to the effect of , " Now I know how that feels , " but I could never muster the courage to do it . I think I was watching him like I was watching the other widow at church with the same intrigue of , " How do you look so happy , when I know how bad your insides feel ? " I never did approach the funny umpire . Journaling was a kind of therapy I did . It was more successful for me than actual therapy , and I was faithful in doing it . Each night , instead of the old driving routine , I would sit down with my laptop and just journal my feelings . The ranting and raving transferring from my mind to paper gave some relief . I would write letters to people that would never be sent , and just thoughts . Sometimes I wrote Patrick letters , too . One night , after being at the ball field , I wrote to the umpire . I don 't know why . I said then that it was like it is with someone who has a disease . You search out people suffering the same to see what works for them . I was still searching for a cure for what was killing me . At the end of the night , with all my thoughts transferred , I hit the save button with no intentions of ever printing it . A month passed and my oldest daughter took wedding photographs for a couple . When she came home she said , " Oh , Mom . Do you remember the funny umpire dude , the one who lost his wife ? He was the preacher . " My first thought was , " He loves God ? I wonder how he can do that when I am struggling so hard to . " That night when I wrote in my journal , I decided to pose that question to the funny umpire . The only difference was this time , I did hit print . I even went back and printed the previous entry that had been done a month before . I looked up the address for Mike Churchwell . The funny umpire dude gained a name . The next morning , I broke out in hives when I went to the post office and handed it to the postmaster . I even had visions of me wrestling it back out of his grip before leaving . I felt like I was going insane . Now I was writing letters to strangers . I thought that surely I could see a padded room in my near future . Instead , that letter made its way to his house . He 'd been widowed for a few years . Unsuspecting , he went to his mailbox and was startled to find a letter challenging him on his love for God . He decided to call me , but I was so insane , I wouldn 't take the call . Isn 't that crazy ? I asked for help and then wouldn 't take it . Thankfully , he decided to call back again the next night , and I did take the call . That first phone call lasted five hours , mostly me arguing with every level - headed and spirit - filled answer he gave to my problems . I wanted to hear someone say it was okay for me to hate God . He didn 't . Instead , he explained in the sweetest tone of voice how much God loved me and my family and how He never ever makes a mistake . He reminded me that it was no penalty for Patrick , being a child of God , to leave this earth for heaven . He told me that Patrick wasn 't crying in heaven over me , either . I really argued with that one ! Oh , I didn 't agree with all that he said , but I didn 't forget it either . After the call ended , I didn 't think I 'd ever talk to him again , but I started taking inventory of everything the kind man had said . It was a voice with experience to back it up , and I could hear what he said . He used his own experiences in explaining things to me , and that helped me to know that he had lost like I had . The next morning , I began processing his words again and chose not to take the first pill . Cold Turkey . At four that afternoon , time for dose two , I chose not to take that one either . Still I was processing his words . Part of the relief his words gave me were the idea that Patrick isn 't missing anything . I could at least let go of the anger I had on his behalf for all that he is missing . He 's in heaven , and he is not missing anything this world has to offer . What a wonderful thought ! I called a truce with God . Not willing to completely forgive Him , but at least willing to try . That day and the days to follow were done with no magic pills . They were hard days , but they were doable . At least they were mine and not under the spell of the medicine . That made me feel like I was making progress , too . A week passed , and the funny umpire dude called again , this time to check and see if anything he 'd said had helped . I told him it had and thanked him . Unknowingly , a friendship had begun . We went along for several weeks that way . Speaking once a week by phone about any progress with my mourning . We shared stories of our lost loved ones and somehow that comforted us both . We cried together . Friendship turned to love , and we were married this past March . Even Patrick 's mother was there to share our day . She had received the letter a few months before when I had written to explain that , " Hell had frozen over . " Oh , I am not the person who was married to Patrick . So much has changed in me . The way I think , the way I act , all of it was forever changed by those words . " There 's been a wreck . " Now , I feel an urgency for people to take their lives and their relationships seriously . I know how quickly it can all change , forever . Another huge lesson in all this is that I take nothing for granted . Every " goodbye " is memorized in my mind , with a snapshot of the person 's face . What if I never see them again ? Sudden loss changes you and makes you realize the words in the Bible are true when Paul wrote , " Life is a vapor . " I want to live my life fully while I can . Our new life together is happy . But I still feel like I am constantly glancing back over my shoulder on what used to be . Not a day goes by that I don 't wish I could talk to Patrick about something . I just want to see his face again . I know that on this side of heaven I will never understand God 's path for my life . My small mind is not capable , but when I start thinking about the why 's of it all , I just have to trust God . I am thankful for more than 25 years of life with Patrick . We lived our convictions , and I would change nothing about our life . We built a family together . We had plans to raise them together , but that wasn 't God 's plan . Instead , it was His divine will for the mountaintops to have their place and the valleys to have theirs . The surprises I got the morning of the wreck were no surprise to God . He knows the end from the beginning and this is what He thought was best for us . And one thing I know for sure , all the times I thought He had left me , He never did . God was with me all along . I was never out of his loving and capable hands . I am also so thankful for the man God sent who reminded me of that and showed me how to love God again . If you have read this story from beginning to end , I hope that you have gained one thing . Life is precious . The old adage , " Today is all you have , " is terribly wrong . The very breath in your lungs right now , is all you have . You may hope to have more , but your plans may be changed . I hope that you are inspired to love those you love a little deeper , on purpose , and intentionally . And know that when you get to the end of life , all the things that we get caught up in , all the busy things of this life , don 't even matter . All that matters at the end is what you 've done for God and how you 've loved those He has blessed you with . |
Just like stones in a farmers field things in my house work their way to the ground every now and then . An old CD that I hadn 't played for while surfaced recently . At the time that I bought it I played it over and over again , but it has been seven years , so when I popped it into the CD player in my car , it came back as fresh and beautiful as when I first heard it . It was Rob who asked me if I had heard the song Nine Million Bicycles by Katie Melua . I hadn 't , but I bought the CD , Piece by Piece , after he described her voice , just to hear it . Playing the CD , I was struck again by how tied in certain memories are to music . I listen to that CD and I am in Schiphol Airport in Amsterdam . The music takes me back to 2006 . I have taken time out from a visit to Mum and Rob in Alvechurch , to spend a week in Holland with Dutch cousins whom I have not seen for forty years . After flying to Amsterdam from Birmingham , I am waiting for my cousin Deborah who is flying in from Geneva to meet me there . Then together we would be taking a train to Rotterdam , to stay with her brother Hans and his partner , Walter . While I waited for her , I listened to the CD on my Sony Walkman CD player - - I was not cool enough to own an ipod . I have one now , but still have and use that old portable CD player . What I notice is that not only does the music transport me to the place I listened to it , but everything else that surrounds that memory comes to life again as though I have opened a time capsule . I am in the airport , but back in Alvechurch Mum is alive and safe with Rob . I know that she will be there waiting for me when I get back to spend my last week of vacation with them . She is there again . I can feel it . It all comes to life against the backdrop of Katie Melua 's voice . The songs from the Beatles ' 1965 album , Help , will forever be associated with a party in Rotterdam . I was 15 , and had been invited by some neighbours of my Tante Lijda to a birthday party for their daughter , Eskaline , who was my age . By the end of the evening I had lost my 15 year old heart for the first time , really seriously . He and I never saw each other beyond that evening and the next day day in 1965 , but wrote for a whole year after that . It was a practice run at love ! Real love came in 1967 when I fell hard for a boy who had asked me out after a Sunday School Christmas party . I had turned him down because I was dating someone already . The person I was dating turned out to be going in a different direction in his life than I was and I realized , that I was in love with Paul , the guy whom I had said no to . Eventually we got together , but it took a whole heartsick year before he asked again . During this time I borrowed a Cliff Richard album with Spanish songs , from him and I remember in the summer of 1967 , when he was in Spain on vacation with his family and friends , playing the album - - mooning around the house , and dreaming . This is one of the songs I loved , Amor , Amor . Amor Fast forward to 1977 . We had been in Canada for 8 years but I still missed England and my family deeply . Mum had bought a tape recorder and made a few tapes that were of conversation at home - - she would just turn it on and record what was happening . That Christmas my Dutch Oma was living with Mum and Dad in Alvechurch and Mum recorded their voices while they were watching TV . Oma chatted away in Dutch , laughing often as she always did , and Dad 's deep voice was there too . In the background I could hear the British commentator on TV introducing Paul McCartney 's song , Mull of Kintyre and then the song began to play while the conversation went on around it . I still have that tape and to me it captures " home " in a very special way . In the car I gave him a birthday gift , a CD , which he studied and thanked me for quickly before opening the card . A bill fluttered from it , and he caught it quickly , " Ten dollars ! " he said , " Thank you , " while pulling out his wallet and putting away the money . " That 's going towards my boat trip in the summer . " In the restaurant we were both hungry for our late lunch and we enjoy our meals to the full . When it was time to order dessert , I asked if he could guess what I would order . He thought hard and we both said at once , " Carrot cake ! " and we laughed , and I told him that I only eat it when I go out with him , which was almost true . I am surprised when he tells me that he is 70 . To be certain he is right , I ask what year he was born . " I don 't know , but it was before the war , " he says . I 've known him for almost 30 of his 70 years . I ask him if he remembers Maplewood Lodge and he says , " Yes , I remember Maplewood Lodge . I broke a window and had to pay for it . " " Maplewood Lodge was a good place , " he says , without hesitation . It was the place he came having struggled elsewhere . He found a measure of peace in the two acres of land and in the house that also had places in which to find solitude . Since then he has lived in four other places , but he has kept the thread of connection through every move , because to him , a friend is a precious thing . If you define friendship as a relationship that has common history and which both parties choose to maintain beyond the common ties , we are friends . " Remember how you used to sleep out on the sun porch ? " I ask . He did . It was the nearest thing to camping out , and a cool place to sleep in summer . Now it is almost 30 years since the chapter called " Maplewood Lodge , " with all its fond memories ; closed in our lives . Since then the small agency I joined when we left , has grown to the largest provider of services to people with disabilities in Ontario . I might think that I have just shared my life in a nutshell , but the adventure continues . Only God knows what is next - - and experience tells me that with him it will only be good . God had been all over our coming to Maplewood Lodge in the beginning . Certain circumstances of our life at the time made me open to doing something radically different . We had made a rash decision to buy a house that we had only seen in the dark and when we saw it in the daylight on the day we moved from the house we were leaving behind , I hated ( no that 's not too strong a word ) it on sight . My excuse is our extreme youth at the time . : ) So we rented out the house we had bought and moved into a farmhouse on two acres of land that was home to ten , and later twelve , men with disabilities . Sometimes God gives gifts in strange packages . I have found that to be the case . Often when I have been disappointed by a turn of events I wonder if God is secretly trying to give me a gift ( if only I would stop wallowing in self pity and a bad attitude , and receive it . ) Our children grew up on the farm with rosy cheeks and the wind in their hair as they climbed the old trees and looked out across fields of waving corn - - corn that whispered and creaked if they walked in it and listened . They awoke to mornings when the mist rolled across the fields until the sun burned it off , and the breeze sighed tales of summers past over the creek that ran through the field . The children played in the long cupboards that ran the length of the house , beneath the roof . In winter they tobogganed for hours down the hill out back . I only found out after the fact that they had also played in the old barn on the property , leaping from upper floors in the old and dangerous building . But as the 1970 's turned into the 1980 's , we heard of plans to close Pine Ridge , the institution where Paul worked . It is hard now to believe this , but we had mixed feelings about the planned closure . In fact I even wrote a letter to the local paper , expressing my belief that for some people , the institution had the support system needed for their complex needs - - a point of view that I would hear years later from parents when other institutions closed . By that time I was able to reassure them that even for those with complex needs , life is better on the outside of an institution . We , too , wondered what would become of our home . We were praying about it and knew that God had a plan ; but he never sees fit to reveal his plans too far ahead of time . Up until then we had been supported by an interdisciplinary team at Pine Ridge . We had access to behaviour management services ; health services ; the recreation department and vocational services . We needed to decide what to do when Pine Ridge closed . We considered , explored and prayed about several options : coming under the auspices of the local association for community living , where many of the people who we lived with went to day programs ; we considered being connected with Huronia Regional Centre , an institution to the north , in Orillia ; and we considered the possibility of being an independent care home . Paul was attending many planning meetings throughout the stressful and unsettling early months of 1983 . One evening he came home from a meeting at the Nottawasaga Inn near Alliston , where he and other government staff had been meeting with the leaders of community agencies . He said , " Lynn ( his nickname for me ) , today I met a man named Noel Churchman ; the Executive Director of a small agency called Christian Horizons . " He went on to tell me how impressed he had been , both by Noel Churchman , and by the agency . Most of all he was struck by the fact that Christian Horizons was willing to support even the people with the greatest challenges . " Meanwhile , work continued on finding homes for the people living at Pine Ridge . There was a strong parents group opposing the closure , and one day Mr . McKenzie , the administrator , brought the vice president of the concerned parents group to visit our home . I knew that this was a great honour . Our home was filled with second hand furniture . It could happily be described as rustic although it was neat , tidy and clean . But Mr . McKenzie was shrewdly banking on a mother 's instinct to know love when she saw it - - and she did . She said that this was where she wanted her son to come and said that she had seen other homes that were brand new but felt to her , cold and sterile . Here , in this home , she said , she could feel the love . And so it was that her son , began a transition to our home , replacing one of the other men who was moving back to his home community of Brampton . One day that summer , Noel Churchman came to visit us and look at our home . We were getting to know each other ; talking about the possibility of working together and what that might mean . Noel was tall , and skinny as a rail with a slight stoop . His features were sharp and his gray blue eyes twinkled with a quick intelligence and wit that could be biting . He had been a school principal before God called him to work for Christian Horizons in the 1960 's . When Noel had come to Christian Horizons there was a legendary shoe box in which all of the bills to be paid were kept - - that was the extent of the systems in place ! It was in November when another staff of Christian Horizons came to talk to us . He was dark haired and as wiry as Noel . His dark and gentle eyes danced with humour that lay just behind them and his questions were probing . His name was Ed Sider , and he was then the director of operations for Christian Horizons . Before he left he said to me , " Lynn , ( he had picked up Paul 's nickname as did many others back then ) we would like to offer you a position as director of this house , for Christian Horizons . " But then he told me that Christian Horizons did not have a " live in " model . We would have to move out . Ed did not seem worried by that at all . He said to take as much time as we needed and not to feel rushed . " Let 's work towards January , " he said . That was very comforting - - we had nearly two months to figure it out . I opened it up , wiping my hands on a towel and there stood our tenant . He had never come to our house before . He seemed awkward and uneasy . He apologized for bothering us and said that he was really sorry , but they had been offered a house at a rent they couldn 't turn down . He said that they would be moving out on December 31st . Paul continued his work at Pine Ridge ; always in a battle for some improvement or another . He petitioned for a " village area " on the institution property , where several portables gave some people an opportunity to live in a more homelike environment and get ready for the next step - - living in the outside world - - " the community . " He fought for breakfast to be cooked " on the ward " on the weekends , so that the residents could have the pleasure of smelling bacon and eggs cooking . It also meant that they could sleep in later on those days and not miss breakfast - - simple things most people take for granted . Before this , some people did stay up later on Fridays and Saturdays and were tired , but the night shift would get everyone up early in order to change the bed linens as the day shift didn 't like having to do it . It was a short change for staff and those that had worked until 11 the night before were back at 7 . 00 a . m . and not always in good humour . The weekends , as a result of short fuses all around , were times when there were many angry outbursts . When Paul asked for breakfast to be cooked on the ward , he was asked how 52 people could fit into the small dining area there . He said that if his guess was correct , people would get up as they woke up , not all at once - - and that is exactly what happened . The table never had more people around it than would fit , and the atmosphere had changed from tense to relaxed . Maplewood Lodge became a mandatory placement for the students going through the DSW course each year as the coordinator of the program , Mrs . Eileen Moran , a feisty Irish nurse , had taught Paul when he was taking the MRC course . Every February and March , pairs of students would come for a couple of weeks at a time and do part of their course work at our home . It might be coordinating a special event , such as a Valentines party ; or putting together a program to teach someone a skill . God had taken this rather shy introvert , who would not have described herself as a people person , and plunked her into an environment full of all kinds of people . It was during this period that I went from being a detached , and often critical , observer of people , to someone who had grown to love people with a love that was birthed in a heart bigger than my own . Our children , too , were being shaped by our unusual family setting . Certainly there must have been a down side , but it never was evident to me . Their horizons were much broader than they would have been otherwise , because every student that spent time with us also engaged with them . I was tired , but I was young . I survived the long days and unremitting pace and I enjoyed the solitude when everyone else had left for work and school , and I was alone with my thoughts as I shopped and cleaned and cooked and did the many other things needed . I began to attend occasional meetings at Pine Ridge . I remember my first time because I held a piece of paper in my hand that shook as hard as my hand , so intimidated was I by the professionals around the table . I grew in confidence and knowledge though and began to develop a set of deep values about working with people who need support . Our years of living with people taught me that people really are more the same than different and that disability wasn 't the difference as much as just another part of someone . It was fall when Rob arrived . The children had made welcome banners out of construction paper , which I found while cleaning up in the loft room recently . " Welcome to Canada , Uncle Bob . We love you , " the words danced over the paper in childishly scrawled letters . Peter remembers Rob 's green Adidas track suit , in which he thought he looked like the Green Giant ! He credits his uncle with teaching him how to throw a frisbee and catch a football . He taught Peter to keep his eye on the ball , a principle he thinks helped him finally win the heart of Sue after we had all given up hope ! His dad also helped , with the adage , " Faint heart never won fair lady . " How could he go wrong ? Rob mowed a running track into the front lawn . Not used the heat and humidity , he sweltered as he ran , sweat dripping , while Peter trotted behind him . Peter made the mistake once , of saying to his uncle , " This is easy . " Rob was not impressed ! Buffy the cat seemed to target Rob for special blessings . She used his suitcase as a rather large litter box on occasion , and when she was sprayed in the face by a skunk she retreated to her favourite suitcase . Rob is the most fastidious person you would ever wish to meet , so of all the places she could choose , this one caused the most laughter . : ) At our family Christmas this year , Brenda and Peter spoke of them fondly while looking at some photographs from those happy days . Thirty years later they remember them through the eyes of the children they were then . They didn 't understand , or see , disability , but they understood qualities of the heart , and in that department they lived among some giants . Stanley was 57 when we moved into the home where he had already lived for two years . We had no idea then that he would be part of our lives for the next 29 years , until he died in 2003 at 86 . Everyone who knew him loved him , and no wonder . He was the kindest , most selfless person in the world . Having grown up during the Depression , he was always concerned with having enough money in the bank for that proverbial rainy day . He never splurged on himself , but he was generous to a fault with others . When Peter and Brenda played outside , it was Stanley who warned them to stay away from the road . They remember their childhood surrounded by his loving concern . Years later , when Stanley was an old man , he was cared for by the agency I work for now , Christian Horizons . Before Christmas I spent some time chatting with one of the two staff who sat with him the night he died , almost 7 years ago . She was young and scared . She 'd never been with a dying person before . She and her coworker sang to him , all his favourite songs . They stroked him and held him close as his breathing became more shallow . His face began to perspire , and the young staff immediately said that she would change his pajamas for him . Her coworker stopped her ; she knew from experience that the time they had dreaded had come . They each held one of his hands and prayed . Then the young staff said , " It 's all right Stanley . Go to Jesus . " Stanley 's eyes were closed , but he raised both his arms up in the air , outstretched to someone only he could see , then he breathed his last breath . It was a holy moment , when heaven intersected with earth , and they were privileged to be there . Mervin reminded me of a daddy long legs . He was tall and thin and walked with the jerky gait of cerebral palsy . He had a shock of dark blond , soft , frizzy hair that stood out from his head , like an Afro . His elderly Jewish parents came to see him regularly and took him home for the holidays . Mervin himself went to church , and like Abe , another man of Jewish background who lived with us , seemed to have found his own faith , in Christ . I have never known anyone who anticipated Christmas better than Mervin . Some time in September each year he would begin stowing away small gifts beneath his bed , with a twinkle in his eyes akin to the star of Bethlehem . For Mervin there was so much joy in the plotting , hiding and giving . When we left for a family trip to England one summer , Mervin was not well . He had a stubborn cough that turned out to be caused by a blood clot on his lung . He died in hospital while we were away . Although she doesn 't remember him now , Brenda was inconsolable and sobbed for days when we heard the news . The years that we spent living at Maplewood Lodge , from August 1974 to January 1984 were so happy ; we all feel that way . And if you were to ask any of the men that lived with us through those years , they would mostly say the same . I know that because some of them are still in my life . When we took over the running of the home from the people who were there before us , I followed the routine that was in place already . On weekdays the men would be picked up at 8 . 00 a . m by a van that would take them to work at locations in Newmarket , Brampton and Aurora . They would come home again in the afternoon at about 4 . 00 . In between I would be busy shopping , cooking and cleaning . On Monday mornings the men would bring their sheets and towels downstairs and I would launder them . In summer , I hung them to blow in the wind on the line that hung from near the window in the breezeway . I would fold them up and put them by their places at the three tables in their large kitchen . When they got home they would put them back on their beds . On Thursdays they would bring down their soiled clothing and I would wash them . When she was with us , Oma would sew on missing buttons and mend any ripped seams . She could never rest while there was work to be done . She saw the men as needing extra love and care and she had a lot of compassion for them . Here is another re - post from 2009 , in honour of our days at Maplewood Lodge . Having walked on the land where the house once stood this past Saturday , I enjoyed reading this again and remembering . . . I 'm thankful the readers of this blog who encouraged me to keep writing these memoir posts a few years ago . Because of your encouragement , we have the treasure of these memories in writing : Yes , we did celebrate . We celebrated St . Patrick 's day by giving prizes to the person who wore the greatest number of green items of clothing or we had Irish stew and mashed potatoes tinted green ; we made the same special heart shaped cookies each year at Valentines ; we had parties with old fashioned games like Pass the Parcel , and Blind Man 's Bluff and Musical Chairs - - all played by our children and the men we cared for . Every occasion was duly feted , including 16 birthdays a year , for which I baked and decorated all of the cakes . Our surroundings were humble in terms of furnishings , but those things are so unimportant really when it comes to the enjoyment of life . The fun , as a parcel is tossed from hand to hand , with layers of paper torn off in the interval when the music stops was intense ! Many times the " paper ripper " would have to be urged to stop ripping when the music started again and pass on the parcel that grew ever more tantalizingly small and close to the inner surprise with every layer . Hands held onto that parcel tightly before letting go , willing the music to stop before it passed on . It makes me laugh even now to think of it . Christmas was the crowning Celebration of Celebrations and preparations began in late October with the baking of the Christmas cakes - - a rich concoction from an English recipe , into which after baking for hours in brown paper lined tins , I would poke holes with skewers and pour in brandy , wrapping afterwards in brandy soaked tea towels and putting them somewhere cool to ripen . Sometime in early December the cake would be unwrapped and brushed with sieved apricot jam with which to adhere a layer of almond icing . This would be left to harden for a day or so and then came the layer of royal icing . One year I made three oblong cakes with the message Peace , Love and Joy , respectively . I left them on the dining room table so that the icing could harden . Imagine my dismay to find that our little mutt , Honey , had found the scent of brandy laced fruit irresistable . I came into the room and found her on her hind legs , a good third of her way into one of the cakes ! I momentarily forgot peace , love and joy ! The cake was too precious to waste and I salvaged what I could . I once bumped into Mr . McKenzie , the administrator of Pine Ridge when I was there for a meeting one November and he asked me how things were . I said that I was very busy baking for Christmas . He asked why I was baking and not just buying . I tried to explain that Christmas was home made . It made it more special somehow and each year the same special treats issued from the kitchen and were carefully stored out in the cold breezeway : rocky road fudge ; shortbread ; sugar cookies decorated by the children ; mince pies , and many other delicacies . We began a tradition of having a big Christmas open house in December , to which a stream of 80 or so people would come : family members , staff from Pine Ridge and friends of the men who lived at Maplewood . We would have large bowls of cold salads , plates of turkey , English trifle and all of the baking would be out for the occasion . We would always spend time after eating , singing some carols . Christmas shopping and wrapping was a huge undertaking for our large household . It was unthinkable that there would be inequity in the quantity of presents . We recognized that we owed our living to the people we had moved in to support and on Christmas Eve , after they went to bed , I crept into their side of the house and laid piles of presents to add to those from their families , beneath the lights that twinkled magically on the tree . Everyone cooperated by going to bed early that night of the year as if by some unspoken agreement , and there was a hushed anticipation over the whole house . There was at least one true believer in Santa Claus amongst the men , which added to the magic . After a quick breakfast we would all go and join the men around their tree . Some would have gone home for Christmas , but there were usually about 7 who hadn 't . The names on the presents would be read out by Paul with a Santa hat on ; on his hands and knees by the tree . One person in particular , would never open any of his presents , but would sit while his pile accumulated beside him , until there were no more presents under the tree . Then , and only then , would he begin to open them . Around our tree the presents beckoned , but we had church yet ! Paul would take the children to church while I prepared the Christmas dinner . On his way home he would stop and pick up our very dear , elderly friend , Miss MacDonald , my beloved " Aunt Agnes . " Aunt Agnes never married because her first beau died in the First World War and she left the second love of her life behind on the mission field in Africa , when malaria forced her to return to Canada . One year after Christmas I asked her what she had done for Christmas and was crushed to hear that she had spent it alone . I had imagined that she would be in demand at many Christmas tables . I vowed that as long as she lived she would never spend another alone , and she didn 't . Eventually the children , Paul and Aunt Agnes would arrive back from church and sometimes Paul 's family would join us too . By this time the children would be getting phone calls from their friends , asking what they got for Christmas . " We don 't know yet ! " they would say , to the disbelief of their friends . We didn 't intentionally spread the day out like this but there was just so much to be done ! Eventually all the presents were opened and dinner was served . The best of all times came then , when the afternoon twilight would deepen and the Christmas lights would twinkle in each room . Boxes of chocolates were opened and snacks laid out ; turkey sandwiches made for the evening meal , and a happy quietness settled over all of us in the house . Sated and tired we snoozed intermittently and had another chocolate or two , grateful for the blessings of Christmas . This is the house on Second Street ; now Bayview Avenue , between Newmarket and Aurora , to which we moved on July 31 , 1974 , when I was just 24 . The drawing was done by Al Calverly , a social worker at Pine Ridge , for an article I wrote about the home in 1981 for the Pine Ridge News . By then it was known as Maplewood Lodge , a name chosen by the men with developmental disabilities who lived there . I spent the month before we moved , preparing to cook for 15 on a daily basis . I visited the ministry of agriculture office and picked up wads of booklets full of recipes . I still have some of them . I loved cooking , but this would be COOKING ! A family at our church ran a Home for Special Care ( a boarding home associated with the ministry of health ) in Newmarket , and they offered to help with the meals for the first day . They gave me useful tips like where to shop in bulk . We also met the couple we would be replacing as " house parents " for the group of ten men with developmental disabilities . They were an older couple , although I am sure they were no older than we are now . They were moving to another town to run a Home for Special Care . They told us the routines and said about the men , " You 'll find that they will be quite compliant for the most part . They were used to doing what they were told in the institution . " I shuddered at those words , which I never forgot , but said nothing , I was learning , and would retain what was useful and right , discarding what was not . The couple had a two dogs . One , named Brandy , was a big old white bulldog ; slow , blind and used to the place , so they said they would like to leave him behind . We said , " Okay . " The house was really two houses . The old farm house , which was probably over a hundred years old , is seen from the front in Al 's drawing , and faced the road . Another house built on the back , faced the fields . It was the Stephens family who lay in the pioneer burial ground in the orchard , although then there was just one complete headstone , for Shadrach and Elizabeth Stephens . Far out in the field , at the back of the house , by the curving bank of the creek that ran through it , was another memorial stone , with the names : Daniel Prior and Lydia Stephens . Why the stone was there is a mystery . I always wondered whether they were buried out there in a place that was special to them . In any case , in later years , when the land was filled with huge houses and the fields and creek were no more , the headstone joined the rest of the family in the orchard . The cemetery is still there , but now surrounded by a black wrought iron fence . One day , after we had been there for several years , on a gray , misty day , there was a knock at the door and a sombre looking man stood at the door in a raincoat , carrying a briefcase . He handed me a card which identified him as a Government Cemetery Inspector . I was surprised that such a person existed , but he told me that his job was to inspect pioneer burial grounds and make sure that they were being properly maintained . He also told me that there were 32 people buried in ours ! Neither house was well insulated and they were heated by an oil furnace in the cellar of the farmhouse . A big truck would come and fill up the oil tank that stood outside the house . Because the houses were surrounded by tall , shady trees , and because there were windows facing in all directions that could be opened , we all felt reasonably comfortable in summer , but in the winter it was chilly and we would hear loud bangs and cracks as the house responded to the deep cold . The pipes would frequently freeze and the plumbing to the septic system was primitive and ineffective . Paul spent many hours down below the floor boards , heating pipes , or outside digging and dealing with the septic system blockages . Now , the house would never pass a safety inspection as it was most definitely a fire hazard , but in those days it passed the regulations that were required . We just had to have fire extinguishers strategically placed . The house stood on two acres of land dotted with trees and flowering shrubs . . There were lilac bushes that surrounded a big vegetable garden close to the apple orchard . Each May I would pick the rhubarb and inhale the fragrance of the lilac . Pink , creamy white and deep burgundy peonies were planted along the south east side of the house and bloomed every June . When we eventually moved , we dug up a couple of the peonies to take with us to our new home ; a reminder of such happy years there . The men we had moved in with were quite independent , and several of them later moved on to live in their own apartments as the home was meant to be a stepping stone . As John , Sam , Jim , Gerald , Ivan and Jack eventually moved , they were replaced by Wesley , Fred , Percy , Rodney , another John , and Tom . Then George and Mervin came to stay on an emergency basis and didn 't leave , so the number of men grew to 12 . Our first night there , at about 8 . 30 , we heard a rustling sound in the kitchen . We investigated and found several mice busily running over the countertops as though they owned the kitchen ! Over the next few days we waged war on the mice and caught 25 of the critters in traps . We hated to do it , but had no choice . Thereafter we managed to keep them at bay with the help of Buffy the cat . On my first morning as " Mother of Many , " I found that I had ten tutors to help me with what I didn 't know , which was a lot . I had only to ask and they showed me the ropes . We were off and running . . . I had my packed lunch and thermos of coffee - - and there was no rush to get home . I parked my car , refilled my coffee cup and headed for a park bench . While I ate , people passed on bikes , on foot , in a wheelchair and on skateboards . I just enjoyed being still , enjoying the view , breathing in the fresh air and feeling the warmth of the sun . It wasn 't long before I was back on the road home , with lots of day still ahead . Brenda had made reservations for the two of us at 5 . 30 an Italian restaurant in Newmarket , called Spero ; which means , " I hope . " Brenda 's husband Kevin was at his family 's cottage , helping them to get the dock ready for the summer , and Paul was busy in the garden . Brenda wanted to celebrate my birthday , which is coming up soon , and this was the perfect opportunity to have a girls ' night out ! After the soup we each chose a different " salata . " Mine was decadent ! Arugula topped with pan seared pears and caramelized pecans . Every morsel was exquisitely tasty . As we headed east though , both of us had the same thought at the same moment . We were passing too close to our old home of 30 years ago , Maple Wood Lodge , where we spent some of the happiest years of our lives with a group of men with developmental disabilities . The house has been pulled down , but the land is still not built on . Brenda loved that place . The sun had not gone down yet as we pulled into the old driveway . The lilac bushes bowed beneath the weight of abundant blooms , and their intoxicating fragrance encircled us , bringing back memories of the nine Mays we spent there . Happy , happy days . And then , across rolling farmland , we drove to Mount Albert and Brenda 's new home as of the end of July . A home that she has said more than once , is the kind that , " Omie would have loved . " It is cozy , just big enough ! Even on Thursday , driving south with co - workers from a meeting in Huntsville ; as we approached Barrie , the highway going north was packed with cars that were moving as slowly as the last dregs of ketchup on their way out of the bottle . So I set my alarm extra early for Saturday morning and left the house an hour before my appointment . Maybe it was because it was a holiday weekend that I packed as though I was going on a road trip . I had a packed lunch ; extra coffee in a thermos ; my camera ( who knew what photo opportunities might present themselves , ) and a great book to read . And just in case I finished the first one ; a back up book . I drove into the parking lot of the Gravity Salon , twenty minutes early and went in and greeted Ivo , the owner . I said that I knew I was very early . He laughed and said , " And you know she ( Jamie ) isn 't going to be here , don 't you ? " I did , and I adore her just the way she is , because when I am the one in her chair , I am the only person in the world on her mind . Ivo showed me upstairs to the still empty second floor , but I decided to go grab my camera from the car and take some photos to record this part of my day . My heart refused deflation . " You are not ruining it , " I said , " I 'm here enjoying the music , writing , coffee and quiet . If Jamie can squeeze me in , great ! If not , I am still having a great day . " During the wait I got to read without distraction . It was wonderful . Jamie squeezed in my root retouch between stages of doing the hair of her two " legitimate " customers of the morning . I thanked them both for not minding my pushing in to a little of their time , but I didn 't want to be really rude , so I got Jamie to just comb out my hair and leave it to dry on the way home , rather than blow dry it . At the cash register I had a great surprise - - a deal on colour that week , and a savings on no blow dry . So sweet ! And Jamie was happy too , as she has a waiting list of customers for cancellations , so she will fill my appointment for next Saturday with another happy client . I wanted to talk to Rob on Saturday . . . I needed to debrief the emotion that unexpectedly inflamed my heart through reading Mum 's letters and my journals of late 2002 . Throughout the day I looked at the clock many times , thinking of where he would be in his Saturday , over 3 , 000 miles away and in a different time zone . I know his routine by heart . At 5 . 00 p . m . here , I know that he will be putting on Bruce 's lead and heading down the stairs of his flat , and out into the village for Bruce 's nightly last walk . When he comes back , about 15 minutes later , he will take off the lead inside the front door and Bruce will gallop up the stairs ahead of him , and shake his big head at the top , his small ears flapping hard . Rob will take off his collar , talking to Bruce about getting into his ( Bruce 's ) pajamas . Rob always says that they look very similar to his day clothes , in fact you can hardly tell them apart . : ) Rob then moves Bruce 's bed into the kitchen so that he can settle there and himself he takes the newspaper to bed for a read before going to sleep . Then I told him about the pain I had uncovered as I relived those long ago months , in writing . I had wanted to ask him about his experience of that time , meaning to take notes and continue writing the story . He filled in more details that I hadn 't even known , or remembered . It was good to talk about " then , " and be thankful together for the later years . Later on that night , I wrote about knowing that it would not be right or respectful to write the details here . And then we went on to other things - - his boys , and his justified pride in who they are and how they are doing . I told him about the excitement of Brenda and Kevin 's first house purchase together about to be completed and their pending move this summer . His voice conveyed his happiness for them . Back in August last year , in a blog post : Nobody Tells You , that we were floundering in our relationship . We are so different and Mum had been the centre of our conversation and our lives in many ways , and she bound us together . Without her , I felt unsure , uncertain of the next step in the dance of relationship . I wrote back then : " We will find our way and find one another in a new way . We love each other . We just don 't quite know how to be yet ; now that she 's gone . " This Mother 's Day we woke up in Ontario , to a joke being played by Mother Nature ! It was snowing . In May . After being over 70 degrees in Toronto last week ! As I drove to church , I thought of the 10 K run that Brenda had signed up for . Surely she wouldn 't be doing it in this weather , I thought , especially since she hadn 't been running for the past three months after her training schedule was interrupted by some health issues . I couldn 't imagine anyone running in the freezing cold of this morning . There were 27 , 000 runners , cheered on by crowds of onlookers holding up encouraging signs . She is the one in the second row centre with the headband . I am sure that her two girls are as proud of her as I am . Happy Mother 's Day Sweetie ! Tonight I dug out my journal for those months in 2002 . My trip to England in October was both painful and healing . I was reading Philip Yancey 's book , What is So Amazing About Grace ? during my weeks there , and it helped set me free from anger and unforgiveness . I will be forever grateful for that . I don 't think I can write about the back story to all of that as it is so very personal and hard to expose ; it doesn 't feel right . Maybe I will find a way sometime in the future to put it into words in a way that will add value to whomever reads it , but at this point I think it would just be depressing and I don 't want to do that to people ! I would rather that you came here and got cheered up . But I do want to share what Mum wrote on her 76th birthday , on December 15th , 2002 , because in it she wrote about my friend Susan , who you all know . Mum had met her during her own visits to Canada and she loved her . Here is what she wrote : Hi ! I 've missed a few days here and there , but that 's not important . I enjoyed my birthday very much ! I have enjoyed all my phone calls so much . Susan 's call was such a lovely surprise . She 's just priceless . : ) I felt so close to her and all of you and all of our lovely friends . Susan is special though and I don 't mind to lend my stick to her anytime : ) ( Susan had hurt her ankle while Mum was in Canada once , and Mum had loaned her , her walking stick ! ) I hope she won 't need it though ! Deborah phoned as well as Auntie Corry , Adrie , Lijda , Mies and Uncle Jan and Dicky . And of course your lovely call , and Susan 's . I felt so spoilt . : ) I suppose you have to feel that way on your birthday . . . . I had plans . There are so many things when you work full time , that just don 't fit into the time left at the end of the day , or squeeze into a Saturday , what with the laundry , shopping and cleaning ( like I even really do cleaning as it should be done ! : ) ) I 'm not complaining though . I wrote a while back about the routine my mum had , without the help of a dishwasher , washing machine or dryer . And I love my job . No complaints . In a week that has been glorious ; unseasonably warm and sunny - - like a sudden outbreak of summer ; today , Friday , dawned gray and cool and drizzly . It didn 't matter ! I woke up without a deadline for getting up , but got up because I didn 't want to waste a precious minute . Paul was away , on his way home from a conference in Ottawa , so I relished solitude and listened to the rat - at - tat - tat of the needles of rain on the skylights as I made coffee and whipped up an omelette for breakfast . The body fed , it was time for the soul and a meeting with God . He was waiting of course ; he always is . Precious minutes , aha moments as I read his Word ! I loved every minute spent with him , face to face and heart to heart . I got sidetracked then , from my plan for the day , but that too , was pleasurable . I could get sidetracked and it didn 't matter . I tidied some shelves and purged some more of the things I really don 't need , washed them and wrapped them in tissue , to go to Alliston 's Attic the thrift store that supports the school where three of our grandchildren go . I had already turned the heat back on after feeling frozen by the air conditioning that had been needed earlier in the week . Outside today it was only 11 degrees . Air conditioning definitely not needed ! I put on my raincoat and still feeling chilled , cranked up the heat in my car as I drove off , and headed to the post office to pick up our mail . " It feels so lovely and warm in here , " I said to Diana , who was working away behind the counter , dressed in her blue Canada Post uniform . She smiled and said , " And I haven 't even had the heat on ! " I felt that I had entered a magical place ! The walls were covered with clocks of every type and every size , all unique , some quirky , all of them beautiful ! The counters had display cases that held antique watches , rings and other treasures . Behind the counter a man stood talking to a man in front of the counter , but stopped to invite me in a European accent that I couldn 't pin down , to , " Show me your baby ; " the clock in my arms . As I drove away through the quaint and pretty village , and headed for Aurora and my doctor 's office , I turned my car radio to Classical 96 . 3 fm . I usually listen to CBC , but wasn 't interested in the topic under discussion . The piece of music playing on 96 . 3 was a notturno Opus 12 by Joseph Joachim ( 1831 - 1907 . ) The voice of the violin plucked the strings of my heart , pulling it almost out of my chest , it was so achingly beautiful . I think it was played by Daniel Hope . I have looked for the piece on You Tube but can 't find it . Find it , listen , and be prepared to have your heart almost explode with ecstasy . By Lorianne Dueck The morning sunlight blazed through Confederation Park . The tulip petals glowed . We were on our way to pray . Over 400 men and women me . . . Wow , it was not my intention to disappear from the blog for so long ! I tell you , this parenting gig isn 't easy . It just swallows me up at times . March and . . . The internet gives us a great opportunity to broadcast messages far and wide . But without back - and - forth and face - to - face , we lose a lot of nuance . We ne . . . |
Just like stones in a farmers field things in my house work their way to the ground every now and then . An old CD that I hadn 't played for while surfaced recently . At the time that I bought it I played it over and over again , but it has been seven years , so when I popped it into the CD player in my car , it came back as fresh and beautiful as when I first heard it . It was Rob who asked me if I had heard the song Nine Million Bicycles by Katie Melua . I hadn 't , but I bought the CD , Piece by Piece , after he described her voice , just to hear it . Playing the CD , I was struck again by how tied in certain memories are to music . I listen to that CD and I am in Schiphol Airport in Amsterdam . The music takes me back to 2006 . I have taken time out from a visit to Mum and Rob in Alvechurch , to spend a week in Holland with Dutch cousins whom I have not seen for forty years . After flying to Amsterdam from Birmingham , I am waiting for my cousin Deborah who is flying in from Geneva to meet me there . Then together we would be taking a train to Rotterdam , to stay with her brother Hans and his partner , Walter . While I waited for her , I listened to the CD on my Sony Walkman CD player - - I was not cool enough to own an ipod . I have one now , but still have and use that old portable CD player . What I notice is that not only does the music transport me to the place I listened to it , but everything else that surrounds that memory comes to life again as though I have opened a time capsule . I am in the airport , but back in Alvechurch Mum is alive and safe with Rob . I know that she will be there waiting for me when I get back to spend my last week of vacation with them . She is there again . I can feel it . It all comes to life against the backdrop of Katie Melua 's voice . The songs from the Beatles ' 1965 album , Help , will forever be associated with a party in Rotterdam . I was 15 , and had been invited by some neighbours of my Tante Lijda to a birthday party for their daughter , Eskaline , who was my age . By the end of the evening I had lost my 15 year old heart for the first time , really seriously . He and I never saw each other beyond that evening and the next day day in 1965 , but wrote for a whole year after that . It was a practice run at love ! Real love came in 1967 when I fell hard for a boy who had asked me out after a Sunday School Christmas party . I had turned him down because I was dating someone already . The person I was dating turned out to be going in a different direction in his life than I was and I realized , that I was in love with Paul , the guy whom I had said no to . Eventually we got together , but it took a whole heartsick year before he asked again . During this time I borrowed a Cliff Richard album with Spanish songs , from him and I remember in the summer of 1967 , when he was in Spain on vacation with his family and friends , playing the album - - mooning around the house , and dreaming . This is one of the songs I loved , Amor , Amor . Amor Fast forward to 1977 . We had been in Canada for 8 years but I still missed England and my family deeply . Mum had bought a tape recorder and made a few tapes that were of conversation at home - - she would just turn it on and record what was happening . That Christmas my Dutch Oma was living with Mum and Dad in Alvechurch and Mum recorded their voices while they were watching TV . Oma chatted away in Dutch , laughing often as she always did , and Dad 's deep voice was there too . In the background I could hear the British commentator on TV introducing Paul McCartney 's song , Mull of Kintyre and then the song began to play while the conversation went on around it . I still have that tape and to me it captures " home " in a very special way . In the car I gave him a birthday gift , a CD , which he studied and thanked me for quickly before opening the card . A bill fluttered from it , and he caught it quickly , " Ten dollars ! " he said , " Thank you , " while pulling out his wallet and putting away the money . " That 's going towards my boat trip in the summer . " In the restaurant we were both hungry for our late lunch and we enjoy our meals to the full . When it was time to order dessert , I asked if he could guess what I would order . He thought hard and we both said at once , " Carrot cake ! " and we laughed , and I told him that I only eat it when I go out with him , which was almost true . I am surprised when he tells me that he is 70 . To be certain he is right , I ask what year he was born . " I don 't know , but it was before the war , " he says . I 've known him for almost 30 of his 70 years . I ask him if he remembers Maplewood Lodge and he says , " Yes , I remember Maplewood Lodge . I broke a window and had to pay for it . " " Maplewood Lodge was a good place , " he says , without hesitation . It was the place he came having struggled elsewhere . He found a measure of peace in the two acres of land and in the house that also had places in which to find solitude . Since then he has lived in four other places , but he has kept the thread of connection through every move , because to him , a friend is a precious thing . If you define friendship as a relationship that has common history and which both parties choose to maintain beyond the common ties , we are friends . " Remember how you used to sleep out on the sun porch ? " I ask . He did . It was the nearest thing to camping out , and a cool place to sleep in summer . Now it is almost 30 years since the chapter called " Maplewood Lodge , " with all its fond memories ; closed in our lives . Since then the small agency I joined when we left , has grown to the largest provider of services to people with disabilities in Ontario . I might think that I have just shared my life in a nutshell , but the adventure continues . Only God knows what is next - - and experience tells me that with him it will only be good . God had been all over our coming to Maplewood Lodge in the beginning . Certain circumstances of our life at the time made me open to doing something radically different . We had made a rash decision to buy a house that we had only seen in the dark and when we saw it in the daylight on the day we moved from the house we were leaving behind , I hated ( no that 's not too strong a word ) it on sight . My excuse is our extreme youth at the time . : ) So we rented out the house we had bought and moved into a farmhouse on two acres of land that was home to ten , and later twelve , men with disabilities . Sometimes God gives gifts in strange packages . I have found that to be the case . Often when I have been disappointed by a turn of events I wonder if God is secretly trying to give me a gift ( if only I would stop wallowing in self pity and a bad attitude , and receive it . ) Our children grew up on the farm with rosy cheeks and the wind in their hair as they climbed the old trees and looked out across fields of waving corn - - corn that whispered and creaked if they walked in it and listened . They awoke to mornings when the mist rolled across the fields until the sun burned it off , and the breeze sighed tales of summers past over the creek that ran through the field . The children played in the long cupboards that ran the length of the house , beneath the roof . In winter they tobogganed for hours down the hill out back . I only found out after the fact that they had also played in the old barn on the property , leaping from upper floors in the old and dangerous building . But as the 1970 's turned into the 1980 's , we heard of plans to close Pine Ridge , the institution where Paul worked . It is hard now to believe this , but we had mixed feelings about the planned closure . In fact I even wrote a letter to the local paper , expressing my belief that for some people , the institution had the support system needed for their complex needs - - a point of view that I would hear years later from parents when other institutions closed . By that time I was able to reassure them that even for those with complex needs , life is better on the outside of an institution . We , too , wondered what would become of our home . We were praying about it and knew that God had a plan ; but he never sees fit to reveal his plans too far ahead of time . Up until then we had been supported by an interdisciplinary team at Pine Ridge . We had access to behaviour management services ; health services ; the recreation department and vocational services . We needed to decide what to do when Pine Ridge closed . We considered , explored and prayed about several options : coming under the auspices of the local association for community living , where many of the people who we lived with went to day programs ; we considered being connected with Huronia Regional Centre , an institution to the north , in Orillia ; and we considered the possibility of being an independent care home . Paul was attending many planning meetings throughout the stressful and unsettling early months of 1983 . One evening he came home from a meeting at the Nottawasaga Inn near Alliston , where he and other government staff had been meeting with the leaders of community agencies . He said , " Lynn ( his nickname for me ) , today I met a man named Noel Churchman ; the Executive Director of a small agency called Christian Horizons . " He went on to tell me how impressed he had been , both by Noel Churchman , and by the agency . Most of all he was struck by the fact that Christian Horizons was willing to support even the people with the greatest challenges . " Meanwhile , work continued on finding homes for the people living at Pine Ridge . There was a strong parents group opposing the closure , and one day Mr . McKenzie , the administrator , brought the vice president of the concerned parents group to visit our home . I knew that this was a great honour . Our home was filled with second hand furniture . It could happily be described as rustic although it was neat , tidy and clean . But Mr . McKenzie was shrewdly banking on a mother 's instinct to know love when she saw it - - and she did . She said that this was where she wanted her son to come and said that she had seen other homes that were brand new but felt to her , cold and sterile . Here , in this home , she said , she could feel the love . And so it was that her son , began a transition to our home , replacing one of the other men who was moving back to his home community of Brampton . One day that summer , Noel Churchman came to visit us and look at our home . We were getting to know each other ; talking about the possibility of working together and what that might mean . Noel was tall , and skinny as a rail with a slight stoop . His features were sharp and his gray blue eyes twinkled with a quick intelligence and wit that could be biting . He had been a school principal before God called him to work for Christian Horizons in the 1960 's . When Noel had come to Christian Horizons there was a legendary shoe box in which all of the bills to be paid were kept - - that was the extent of the systems in place ! It was in November when another staff of Christian Horizons came to talk to us . He was dark haired and as wiry as Noel . His dark and gentle eyes danced with humour that lay just behind them and his questions were probing . His name was Ed Sider , and he was then the director of operations for Christian Horizons . Before he left he said to me , " Lynn , ( he had picked up Paul 's nickname as did many others back then ) we would like to offer you a position as director of this house , for Christian Horizons . " But then he told me that Christian Horizons did not have a " live in " model . We would have to move out . Ed did not seem worried by that at all . He said to take as much time as we needed and not to feel rushed . " Let 's work towards January , " he said . That was very comforting - - we had nearly two months to figure it out . I opened it up , wiping my hands on a towel and there stood our tenant . He had never come to our house before . He seemed awkward and uneasy . He apologized for bothering us and said that he was really sorry , but they had been offered a house at a rent they couldn 't turn down . He said that they would be moving out on December 31st . Paul continued his work at Pine Ridge ; always in a battle for some improvement or another . He petitioned for a " village area " on the institution property , where several portables gave some people an opportunity to live in a more homelike environment and get ready for the next step - - living in the outside world - - " the community . " He fought for breakfast to be cooked " on the ward " on the weekends , so that the residents could have the pleasure of smelling bacon and eggs cooking . It also meant that they could sleep in later on those days and not miss breakfast - - simple things most people take for granted . Before this , some people did stay up later on Fridays and Saturdays and were tired , but the night shift would get everyone up early in order to change the bed linens as the day shift didn 't like having to do it . It was a short change for staff and those that had worked until 11 the night before were back at 7 . 00 a . m . and not always in good humour . The weekends , as a result of short fuses all around , were times when there were many angry outbursts . When Paul asked for breakfast to be cooked on the ward , he was asked how 52 people could fit into the small dining area there . He said that if his guess was correct , people would get up as they woke up , not all at once - - and that is exactly what happened . The table never had more people around it than would fit , and the atmosphere had changed from tense to relaxed . Maplewood Lodge became a mandatory placement for the students going through the DSW course each year as the coordinator of the program , Mrs . Eileen Moran , a feisty Irish nurse , had taught Paul when he was taking the MRC course . Every February and March , pairs of students would come for a couple of weeks at a time and do part of their course work at our home . It might be coordinating a special event , such as a Valentines party ; or putting together a program to teach someone a skill . God had taken this rather shy introvert , who would not have described herself as a people person , and plunked her into an environment full of all kinds of people . It was during this period that I went from being a detached , and often critical , observer of people , to someone who had grown to love people with a love that was birthed in a heart bigger than my own . Our children , too , were being shaped by our unusual family setting . Certainly there must have been a down side , but it never was evident to me . Their horizons were much broader than they would have been otherwise , because every student that spent time with us also engaged with them . I was tired , but I was young . I survived the long days and unremitting pace and I enjoyed the solitude when everyone else had left for work and school , and I was alone with my thoughts as I shopped and cleaned and cooked and did the many other things needed . I began to attend occasional meetings at Pine Ridge . I remember my first time because I held a piece of paper in my hand that shook as hard as my hand , so intimidated was I by the professionals around the table . I grew in confidence and knowledge though and began to develop a set of deep values about working with people who need support . Our years of living with people taught me that people really are more the same than different and that disability wasn 't the difference as much as just another part of someone . It was fall when Rob arrived . The children had made welcome banners out of construction paper , which I found while cleaning up in the loft room recently . " Welcome to Canada , Uncle Bob . We love you , " the words danced over the paper in childishly scrawled letters . Peter remembers Rob 's green Adidas track suit , in which he thought he looked like the Green Giant ! He credits his uncle with teaching him how to throw a frisbee and catch a football . He taught Peter to keep his eye on the ball , a principle he thinks helped him finally win the heart of Sue after we had all given up hope ! His dad also helped , with the adage , " Faint heart never won fair lady . " How could he go wrong ? Rob mowed a running track into the front lawn . Not used the heat and humidity , he sweltered as he ran , sweat dripping , while Peter trotted behind him . Peter made the mistake once , of saying to his uncle , " This is easy . " Rob was not impressed ! Buffy the cat seemed to target Rob for special blessings . She used his suitcase as a rather large litter box on occasion , and when she was sprayed in the face by a skunk she retreated to her favourite suitcase . Rob is the most fastidious person you would ever wish to meet , so of all the places she could choose , this one caused the most laughter . : ) At our family Christmas this year , Brenda and Peter spoke of them fondly while looking at some photographs from those happy days . Thirty years later they remember them through the eyes of the children they were then . They didn 't understand , or see , disability , but they understood qualities of the heart , and in that department they lived among some giants . Stanley was 57 when we moved into the home where he had already lived for two years . We had no idea then that he would be part of our lives for the next 29 years , until he died in 2003 at 86 . Everyone who knew him loved him , and no wonder . He was the kindest , most selfless person in the world . Having grown up during the Depression , he was always concerned with having enough money in the bank for that proverbial rainy day . He never splurged on himself , but he was generous to a fault with others . When Peter and Brenda played outside , it was Stanley who warned them to stay away from the road . They remember their childhood surrounded by his loving concern . Years later , when Stanley was an old man , he was cared for by the agency I work for now , Christian Horizons . Before Christmas I spent some time chatting with one of the two staff who sat with him the night he died , almost 7 years ago . She was young and scared . She 'd never been with a dying person before . She and her coworker sang to him , all his favourite songs . They stroked him and held him close as his breathing became more shallow . His face began to perspire , and the young staff immediately said that she would change his pajamas for him . Her coworker stopped her ; she knew from experience that the time they had dreaded had come . They each held one of his hands and prayed . Then the young staff said , " It 's all right Stanley . Go to Jesus . " Stanley 's eyes were closed , but he raised both his arms up in the air , outstretched to someone only he could see , then he breathed his last breath . It was a holy moment , when heaven intersected with earth , and they were privileged to be there . Mervin reminded me of a daddy long legs . He was tall and thin and walked with the jerky gait of cerebral palsy . He had a shock of dark blond , soft , frizzy hair that stood out from his head , like an Afro . His elderly Jewish parents came to see him regularly and took him home for the holidays . Mervin himself went to church , and like Abe , another man of Jewish background who lived with us , seemed to have found his own faith , in Christ . I have never known anyone who anticipated Christmas better than Mervin . Some time in September each year he would begin stowing away small gifts beneath his bed , with a twinkle in his eyes akin to the star of Bethlehem . For Mervin there was so much joy in the plotting , hiding and giving . When we left for a family trip to England one summer , Mervin was not well . He had a stubborn cough that turned out to be caused by a blood clot on his lung . He died in hospital while we were away . Although she doesn 't remember him now , Brenda was inconsolable and sobbed for days when we heard the news . The years that we spent living at Maplewood Lodge , from August 1974 to January 1984 were so happy ; we all feel that way . And if you were to ask any of the men that lived with us through those years , they would mostly say the same . I know that because some of them are still in my life . When we took over the running of the home from the people who were there before us , I followed the routine that was in place already . On weekdays the men would be picked up at 8 . 00 a . m by a van that would take them to work at locations in Newmarket , Brampton and Aurora . They would come home again in the afternoon at about 4 . 00 . In between I would be busy shopping , cooking and cleaning . On Monday mornings the men would bring their sheets and towels downstairs and I would launder them . In summer , I hung them to blow in the wind on the line that hung from near the window in the breezeway . I would fold them up and put them by their places at the three tables in their large kitchen . When they got home they would put them back on their beds . On Thursdays they would bring down their soiled clothing and I would wash them . When she was with us , Oma would sew on missing buttons and mend any ripped seams . She could never rest while there was work to be done . She saw the men as needing extra love and care and she had a lot of compassion for them . Here is another re - post from 2009 , in honour of our days at Maplewood Lodge . Having walked on the land where the house once stood this past Saturday , I enjoyed reading this again and remembering . . . I 'm thankful the readers of this blog who encouraged me to keep writing these memoir posts a few years ago . Because of your encouragement , we have the treasure of these memories in writing : Yes , we did celebrate . We celebrated St . Patrick 's day by giving prizes to the person who wore the greatest number of green items of clothing or we had Irish stew and mashed potatoes tinted green ; we made the same special heart shaped cookies each year at Valentines ; we had parties with old fashioned games like Pass the Parcel , and Blind Man 's Bluff and Musical Chairs - - all played by our children and the men we cared for . Every occasion was duly feted , including 16 birthdays a year , for which I baked and decorated all of the cakes . Our surroundings were humble in terms of furnishings , but those things are so unimportant really when it comes to the enjoyment of life . The fun , as a parcel is tossed from hand to hand , with layers of paper torn off in the interval when the music stops was intense ! Many times the " paper ripper " would have to be urged to stop ripping when the music started again and pass on the parcel that grew ever more tantalizingly small and close to the inner surprise with every layer . Hands held onto that parcel tightly before letting go , willing the music to stop before it passed on . It makes me laugh even now to think of it . Christmas was the crowning Celebration of Celebrations and preparations began in late October with the baking of the Christmas cakes - - a rich concoction from an English recipe , into which after baking for hours in brown paper lined tins , I would poke holes with skewers and pour in brandy , wrapping afterwards in brandy soaked tea towels and putting them somewhere cool to ripen . Sometime in early December the cake would be unwrapped and brushed with sieved apricot jam with which to adhere a layer of almond icing . This would be left to harden for a day or so and then came the layer of royal icing . One year I made three oblong cakes with the message Peace , Love and Joy , respectively . I left them on the dining room table so that the icing could harden . Imagine my dismay to find that our little mutt , Honey , had found the scent of brandy laced fruit irresistable . I came into the room and found her on her hind legs , a good third of her way into one of the cakes ! I momentarily forgot peace , love and joy ! The cake was too precious to waste and I salvaged what I could . I once bumped into Mr . McKenzie , the administrator of Pine Ridge when I was there for a meeting one November and he asked me how things were . I said that I was very busy baking for Christmas . He asked why I was baking and not just buying . I tried to explain that Christmas was home made . It made it more special somehow and each year the same special treats issued from the kitchen and were carefully stored out in the cold breezeway : rocky road fudge ; shortbread ; sugar cookies decorated by the children ; mince pies , and many other delicacies . We began a tradition of having a big Christmas open house in December , to which a stream of 80 or so people would come : family members , staff from Pine Ridge and friends of the men who lived at Maplewood . We would have large bowls of cold salads , plates of turkey , English trifle and all of the baking would be out for the occasion . We would always spend time after eating , singing some carols . Christmas shopping and wrapping was a huge undertaking for our large household . It was unthinkable that there would be inequity in the quantity of presents . We recognized that we owed our living to the people we had moved in to support and on Christmas Eve , after they went to bed , I crept into their side of the house and laid piles of presents to add to those from their families , beneath the lights that twinkled magically on the tree . Everyone cooperated by going to bed early that night of the year as if by some unspoken agreement , and there was a hushed anticipation over the whole house . There was at least one true believer in Santa Claus amongst the men , which added to the magic . After a quick breakfast we would all go and join the men around their tree . Some would have gone home for Christmas , but there were usually about 7 who hadn 't . The names on the presents would be read out by Paul with a Santa hat on ; on his hands and knees by the tree . One person in particular , would never open any of his presents , but would sit while his pile accumulated beside him , until there were no more presents under the tree . Then , and only then , would he begin to open them . Around our tree the presents beckoned , but we had church yet ! Paul would take the children to church while I prepared the Christmas dinner . On his way home he would stop and pick up our very dear , elderly friend , Miss MacDonald , my beloved " Aunt Agnes . " Aunt Agnes never married because her first beau died in the First World War and she left the second love of her life behind on the mission field in Africa , when malaria forced her to return to Canada . One year after Christmas I asked her what she had done for Christmas and was crushed to hear that she had spent it alone . I had imagined that she would be in demand at many Christmas tables . I vowed that as long as she lived she would never spend another alone , and she didn 't . Eventually the children , Paul and Aunt Agnes would arrive back from church and sometimes Paul 's family would join us too . By this time the children would be getting phone calls from their friends , asking what they got for Christmas . " We don 't know yet ! " they would say , to the disbelief of their friends . We didn 't intentionally spread the day out like this but there was just so much to be done ! Eventually all the presents were opened and dinner was served . The best of all times came then , when the afternoon twilight would deepen and the Christmas lights would twinkle in each room . Boxes of chocolates were opened and snacks laid out ; turkey sandwiches made for the evening meal , and a happy quietness settled over all of us in the house . Sated and tired we snoozed intermittently and had another chocolate or two , grateful for the blessings of Christmas . This is the house on Second Street ; now Bayview Avenue , between Newmarket and Aurora , to which we moved on July 31 , 1974 , when I was just 24 . The drawing was done by Al Calverly , a social worker at Pine Ridge , for an article I wrote about the home in 1981 for the Pine Ridge News . By then it was known as Maplewood Lodge , a name chosen by the men with developmental disabilities who lived there . I spent the month before we moved , preparing to cook for 15 on a daily basis . I visited the ministry of agriculture office and picked up wads of booklets full of recipes . I still have some of them . I loved cooking , but this would be COOKING ! A family at our church ran a Home for Special Care ( a boarding home associated with the ministry of health ) in Newmarket , and they offered to help with the meals for the first day . They gave me useful tips like where to shop in bulk . We also met the couple we would be replacing as " house parents " for the group of ten men with developmental disabilities . They were an older couple , although I am sure they were no older than we are now . They were moving to another town to run a Home for Special Care . They told us the routines and said about the men , " You 'll find that they will be quite compliant for the most part . They were used to doing what they were told in the institution . " I shuddered at those words , which I never forgot , but said nothing , I was learning , and would retain what was useful and right , discarding what was not . The couple had a two dogs . One , named Brandy , was a big old white bulldog ; slow , blind and used to the place , so they said they would like to leave him behind . We said , " Okay . " The house was really two houses . The old farm house , which was probably over a hundred years old , is seen from the front in Al 's drawing , and faced the road . Another house built on the back , faced the fields . It was the Stephens family who lay in the pioneer burial ground in the orchard , although then there was just one complete headstone , for Shadrach and Elizabeth Stephens . Far out in the field , at the back of the house , by the curving bank of the creek that ran through it , was another memorial stone , with the names : Daniel Prior and Lydia Stephens . Why the stone was there is a mystery . I always wondered whether they were buried out there in a place that was special to them . In any case , in later years , when the land was filled with huge houses and the fields and creek were no more , the headstone joined the rest of the family in the orchard . The cemetery is still there , but now surrounded by a black wrought iron fence . One day , after we had been there for several years , on a gray , misty day , there was a knock at the door and a sombre looking man stood at the door in a raincoat , carrying a briefcase . He handed me a card which identified him as a Government Cemetery Inspector . I was surprised that such a person existed , but he told me that his job was to inspect pioneer burial grounds and make sure that they were being properly maintained . He also told me that there were 32 people buried in ours ! Neither house was well insulated and they were heated by an oil furnace in the cellar of the farmhouse . A big truck would come and fill up the oil tank that stood outside the house . Because the houses were surrounded by tall , shady trees , and because there were windows facing in all directions that could be opened , we all felt reasonably comfortable in summer , but in the winter it was chilly and we would hear loud bangs and cracks as the house responded to the deep cold . The pipes would frequently freeze and the plumbing to the septic system was primitive and ineffective . Paul spent many hours down below the floor boards , heating pipes , or outside digging and dealing with the septic system blockages . Now , the house would never pass a safety inspection as it was most definitely a fire hazard , but in those days it passed the regulations that were required . We just had to have fire extinguishers strategically placed . The house stood on two acres of land dotted with trees and flowering shrubs . . There were lilac bushes that surrounded a big vegetable garden close to the apple orchard . Each May I would pick the rhubarb and inhale the fragrance of the lilac . Pink , creamy white and deep burgundy peonies were planted along the south east side of the house and bloomed every June . When we eventually moved , we dug up a couple of the peonies to take with us to our new home ; a reminder of such happy years there . The men we had moved in with were quite independent , and several of them later moved on to live in their own apartments as the home was meant to be a stepping stone . As John , Sam , Jim , Gerald , Ivan and Jack eventually moved , they were replaced by Wesley , Fred , Percy , Rodney , another John , and Tom . Then George and Mervin came to stay on an emergency basis and didn 't leave , so the number of men grew to 12 . Our first night there , at about 8 . 30 , we heard a rustling sound in the kitchen . We investigated and found several mice busily running over the countertops as though they owned the kitchen ! Over the next few days we waged war on the mice and caught 25 of the critters in traps . We hated to do it , but had no choice . Thereafter we managed to keep them at bay with the help of Buffy the cat . On my first morning as " Mother of Many , " I found that I had ten tutors to help me with what I didn 't know , which was a lot . I had only to ask and they showed me the ropes . We were off and running . . . I had my packed lunch and thermos of coffee - - and there was no rush to get home . I parked my car , refilled my coffee cup and headed for a park bench . While I ate , people passed on bikes , on foot , in a wheelchair and on skateboards . I just enjoyed being still , enjoying the view , breathing in the fresh air and feeling the warmth of the sun . It wasn 't long before I was back on the road home , with lots of day still ahead . Brenda had made reservations for the two of us at 5 . 30 an Italian restaurant in Newmarket , called Spero ; which means , " I hope . " Brenda 's husband Kevin was at his family 's cottage , helping them to get the dock ready for the summer , and Paul was busy in the garden . Brenda wanted to celebrate my birthday , which is coming up soon , and this was the perfect opportunity to have a girls ' night out ! After the soup we each chose a different " salata . " Mine was decadent ! Arugula topped with pan seared pears and caramelized pecans . Every morsel was exquisitely tasty . As we headed east though , both of us had the same thought at the same moment . We were passing too close to our old home of 30 years ago , Maple Wood Lodge , where we spent some of the happiest years of our lives with a group of men with developmental disabilities . The house has been pulled down , but the land is still not built on . Brenda loved that place . The sun had not gone down yet as we pulled into the old driveway . The lilac bushes bowed beneath the weight of abundant blooms , and their intoxicating fragrance encircled us , bringing back memories of the nine Mays we spent there . Happy , happy days . And then , across rolling farmland , we drove to Mount Albert and Brenda 's new home as of the end of July . A home that she has said more than once , is the kind that , " Omie would have loved . " It is cozy , just big enough ! Even on Thursday , driving south with co - workers from a meeting in Huntsville ; as we approached Barrie , the highway going north was packed with cars that were moving as slowly as the last dregs of ketchup on their way out of the bottle . So I set my alarm extra early for Saturday morning and left the house an hour before my appointment . Maybe it was because it was a holiday weekend that I packed as though I was going on a road trip . I had a packed lunch ; extra coffee in a thermos ; my camera ( who knew what photo opportunities might present themselves , ) and a great book to read . And just in case I finished the first one ; a back up book . I drove into the parking lot of the Gravity Salon , twenty minutes early and went in and greeted Ivo , the owner . I said that I knew I was very early . He laughed and said , " And you know she ( Jamie ) isn 't going to be here , don 't you ? " I did , and I adore her just the way she is , because when I am the one in her chair , I am the only person in the world on her mind . Ivo showed me upstairs to the still empty second floor , but I decided to go grab my camera from the car and take some photos to record this part of my day . My heart refused deflation . " You are not ruining it , " I said , " I 'm here enjoying the music , writing , coffee and quiet . If Jamie can squeeze me in , great ! If not , I am still having a great day . " During the wait I got to read without distraction . It was wonderful . Jamie squeezed in my root retouch between stages of doing the hair of her two " legitimate " customers of the morning . I thanked them both for not minding my pushing in to a little of their time , but I didn 't want to be really rude , so I got Jamie to just comb out my hair and leave it to dry on the way home , rather than blow dry it . At the cash register I had a great surprise - - a deal on colour that week , and a savings on no blow dry . So sweet ! And Jamie was happy too , as she has a waiting list of customers for cancellations , so she will fill my appointment for next Saturday with another happy client . I wanted to talk to Rob on Saturday . . . I needed to debrief the emotion that unexpectedly inflamed my heart through reading Mum 's letters and my journals of late 2002 . Throughout the day I looked at the clock many times , thinking of where he would be in his Saturday , over 3 , 000 miles away and in a different time zone . I know his routine by heart . At 5 . 00 p . m . here , I know that he will be putting on Bruce 's lead and heading down the stairs of his flat , and out into the village for Bruce 's nightly last walk . When he comes back , about 15 minutes later , he will take off the lead inside the front door and Bruce will gallop up the stairs ahead of him , and shake his big head at the top , his small ears flapping hard . Rob will take off his collar , talking to Bruce about getting into his ( Bruce 's ) pajamas . Rob always says that they look very similar to his day clothes , in fact you can hardly tell them apart . : ) Rob then moves Bruce 's bed into the kitchen so that he can settle there and himself he takes the newspaper to bed for a read before going to sleep . Then I told him about the pain I had uncovered as I relived those long ago months , in writing . I had wanted to ask him about his experience of that time , meaning to take notes and continue writing the story . He filled in more details that I hadn 't even known , or remembered . It was good to talk about " then , " and be thankful together for the later years . Later on that night , I wrote about knowing that it would not be right or respectful to write the details here . And then we went on to other things - - his boys , and his justified pride in who they are and how they are doing . I told him about the excitement of Brenda and Kevin 's first house purchase together about to be completed and their pending move this summer . His voice conveyed his happiness for them . Back in August last year , in a blog post : Nobody Tells You , that we were floundering in our relationship . We are so different and Mum had been the centre of our conversation and our lives in many ways , and she bound us together . Without her , I felt unsure , uncertain of the next step in the dance of relationship . I wrote back then : " We will find our way and find one another in a new way . We love each other . We just don 't quite know how to be yet ; now that she 's gone . " This Mother 's Day we woke up in Ontario , to a joke being played by Mother Nature ! It was snowing . In May . After being over 70 degrees in Toronto last week ! As I drove to church , I thought of the 10 K run that Brenda had signed up for . Surely she wouldn 't be doing it in this weather , I thought , especially since she hadn 't been running for the past three months after her training schedule was interrupted by some health issues . I couldn 't imagine anyone running in the freezing cold of this morning . There were 27 , 000 runners , cheered on by crowds of onlookers holding up encouraging signs . She is the one in the second row centre with the headband . I am sure that her two girls are as proud of her as I am . Happy Mother 's Day Sweetie ! Tonight I dug out my journal for those months in 2002 . My trip to England in October was both painful and healing . I was reading Philip Yancey 's book , What is So Amazing About Grace ? during my weeks there , and it helped set me free from anger and unforgiveness . I will be forever grateful for that . I don 't think I can write about the back story to all of that as it is so very personal and hard to expose ; it doesn 't feel right . Maybe I will find a way sometime in the future to put it into words in a way that will add value to whomever reads it , but at this point I think it would just be depressing and I don 't want to do that to people ! I would rather that you came here and got cheered up . But I do want to share what Mum wrote on her 76th birthday , on December 15th , 2002 , because in it she wrote about my friend Susan , who you all know . Mum had met her during her own visits to Canada and she loved her . Here is what she wrote : Hi ! I 've missed a few days here and there , but that 's not important . I enjoyed my birthday very much ! I have enjoyed all my phone calls so much . Susan 's call was such a lovely surprise . She 's just priceless . : ) I felt so close to her and all of you and all of our lovely friends . Susan is special though and I don 't mind to lend my stick to her anytime : ) ( Susan had hurt her ankle while Mum was in Canada once , and Mum had loaned her , her walking stick ! ) I hope she won 't need it though ! Deborah phoned as well as Auntie Corry , Adrie , Lijda , Mies and Uncle Jan and Dicky . And of course your lovely call , and Susan 's . I felt so spoilt . : ) I suppose you have to feel that way on your birthday . . . . I had plans . There are so many things when you work full time , that just don 't fit into the time left at the end of the day , or squeeze into a Saturday , what with the laundry , shopping and cleaning ( like I even really do cleaning as it should be done ! : ) ) I 'm not complaining though . I wrote a while back about the routine my mum had , without the help of a dishwasher , washing machine or dryer . And I love my job . No complaints . In a week that has been glorious ; unseasonably warm and sunny - - like a sudden outbreak of summer ; today , Friday , dawned gray and cool and drizzly . It didn 't matter ! I woke up without a deadline for getting up , but got up because I didn 't want to waste a precious minute . Paul was away , on his way home from a conference in Ottawa , so I relished solitude and listened to the rat - at - tat - tat of the needles of rain on the skylights as I made coffee and whipped up an omelette for breakfast . The body fed , it was time for the soul and a meeting with God . He was waiting of course ; he always is . Precious minutes , aha moments as I read his Word ! I loved every minute spent with him , face to face and heart to heart . I got sidetracked then , from my plan for the day , but that too , was pleasurable . I could get sidetracked and it didn 't matter . I tidied some shelves and purged some more of the things I really don 't need , washed them and wrapped them in tissue , to go to Alliston 's Attic the thrift store that supports the school where three of our grandchildren go . I had already turned the heat back on after feeling frozen by the air conditioning that had been needed earlier in the week . Outside today it was only 11 degrees . Air conditioning definitely not needed ! I put on my raincoat and still feeling chilled , cranked up the heat in my car as I drove off , and headed to the post office to pick up our mail . " It feels so lovely and warm in here , " I said to Diana , who was working away behind the counter , dressed in her blue Canada Post uniform . She smiled and said , " And I haven 't even had the heat on ! " I felt that I had entered a magical place ! The walls were covered with clocks of every type and every size , all unique , some quirky , all of them beautiful ! The counters had display cases that held antique watches , rings and other treasures . Behind the counter a man stood talking to a man in front of the counter , but stopped to invite me in a European accent that I couldn 't pin down , to , " Show me your baby ; " the clock in my arms . As I drove away through the quaint and pretty village , and headed for Aurora and my doctor 's office , I turned my car radio to Classical 96 . 3 fm . I usually listen to CBC , but wasn 't interested in the topic under discussion . The piece of music playing on 96 . 3 was a notturno Opus 12 by Joseph Joachim ( 1831 - 1907 . ) The voice of the violin plucked the strings of my heart , pulling it almost out of my chest , it was so achingly beautiful . I think it was played by Daniel Hope . I have looked for the piece on You Tube but can 't find it . Find it , listen , and be prepared to have your heart almost explode with ecstasy . By Lorianne Dueck The morning sunlight blazed through Confederation Park . The tulip petals glowed . We were on our way to pray . Over 400 men and women me . . . Wow , it was not my intention to disappear from the blog for so long ! I tell you , this parenting gig isn 't easy . It just swallows me up at times . March and . . . The internet gives us a great opportunity to broadcast messages far and wide . But without back - and - forth and face - to - face , we lose a lot of nuance . We ne . . . |
Just like stones in a farmers field things in my house work their way to the ground every now and then . An old CD that I hadn 't played for while surfaced recently . At the time that I bought it I played it over and over again , but it has been seven years , so when I popped it into the CD player in my car , it came back as fresh and beautiful as when I first heard it . It was Rob who asked me if I had heard the song Nine Million Bicycles by Katie Melua . I hadn 't , but I bought the CD , Piece by Piece , after he described her voice , just to hear it . Playing the CD , I was struck again by how tied in certain memories are to music . I listen to that CD and I am in Schiphol Airport in Amsterdam . The music takes me back to 2006 . I have taken time out from a visit to Mum and Rob in Alvechurch , to spend a week in Holland with Dutch cousins whom I have not seen for forty years . After flying to Amsterdam from Birmingham , I am waiting for my cousin Deborah who is flying in from Geneva to meet me there . Then together we would be taking a train to Rotterdam , to stay with her brother Hans and his partner , Walter . While I waited for her , I listened to the CD on my Sony Walkman CD player - - I was not cool enough to own an ipod . I have one now , but still have and use that old portable CD player . What I notice is that not only does the music transport me to the place I listened to it , but everything else that surrounds that memory comes to life again as though I have opened a time capsule . I am in the airport , but back in Alvechurch Mum is alive and safe with Rob . I know that she will be there waiting for me when I get back to spend my last week of vacation with them . She is there again . I can feel it . It all comes to life against the backdrop of Katie Melua 's voice . The songs from the Beatles ' 1965 album , Help , will forever be associated with a party in Rotterdam . I was 15 , and had been invited by some neighbours of my Tante Lijda to a birthday party for their daughter , Eskaline , who was my age . By the end of the evening I had lost my 15 year old heart for the first time , really seriously . He and I never saw each other beyond that evening and the next day day in 1965 , but wrote for a whole year after that . It was a practice run at love ! Real love came in 1967 when I fell hard for a boy who had asked me out after a Sunday School Christmas party . I had turned him down because I was dating someone already . The person I was dating turned out to be going in a different direction in his life than I was and I realized , that I was in love with Paul , the guy whom I had said no to . Eventually we got together , but it took a whole heartsick year before he asked again . During this time I borrowed a Cliff Richard album with Spanish songs , from him and I remember in the summer of 1967 , when he was in Spain on vacation with his family and friends , playing the album - - mooning around the house , and dreaming . This is one of the songs I loved , Amor , Amor . Amor Fast forward to 1977 . We had been in Canada for 8 years but I still missed England and my family deeply . Mum had bought a tape recorder and made a few tapes that were of conversation at home - - she would just turn it on and record what was happening . That Christmas my Dutch Oma was living with Mum and Dad in Alvechurch and Mum recorded their voices while they were watching TV . Oma chatted away in Dutch , laughing often as she always did , and Dad 's deep voice was there too . In the background I could hear the British commentator on TV introducing Paul McCartney 's song , Mull of Kintyre and then the song began to play while the conversation went on around it . I still have that tape and to me it captures " home " in a very special way . In the car I gave him a birthday gift , a CD , which he studied and thanked me for quickly before opening the card . A bill fluttered from it , and he caught it quickly , " Ten dollars ! " he said , " Thank you , " while pulling out his wallet and putting away the money . " That 's going towards my boat trip in the summer . " In the restaurant we were both hungry for our late lunch and we enjoy our meals to the full . When it was time to order dessert , I asked if he could guess what I would order . He thought hard and we both said at once , " Carrot cake ! " and we laughed , and I told him that I only eat it when I go out with him , which was almost true . I am surprised when he tells me that he is 70 . To be certain he is right , I ask what year he was born . " I don 't know , but it was before the war , " he says . I 've known him for almost 30 of his 70 years . I ask him if he remembers Maplewood Lodge and he says , " Yes , I remember Maplewood Lodge . I broke a window and had to pay for it . " " Maplewood Lodge was a good place , " he says , without hesitation . It was the place he came having struggled elsewhere . He found a measure of peace in the two acres of land and in the house that also had places in which to find solitude . Since then he has lived in four other places , but he has kept the thread of connection through every move , because to him , a friend is a precious thing . If you define friendship as a relationship that has common history and which both parties choose to maintain beyond the common ties , we are friends . " Remember how you used to sleep out on the sun porch ? " I ask . He did . It was the nearest thing to camping out , and a cool place to sleep in summer . Now it is almost 30 years since the chapter called " Maplewood Lodge , " with all its fond memories ; closed in our lives . Since then the small agency I joined when we left , has grown to the largest provider of services to people with disabilities in Ontario . I might think that I have just shared my life in a nutshell , but the adventure continues . Only God knows what is next - - and experience tells me that with him it will only be good . God had been all over our coming to Maplewood Lodge in the beginning . Certain circumstances of our life at the time made me open to doing something radically different . We had made a rash decision to buy a house that we had only seen in the dark and when we saw it in the daylight on the day we moved from the house we were leaving behind , I hated ( no that 's not too strong a word ) it on sight . My excuse is our extreme youth at the time . : ) So we rented out the house we had bought and moved into a farmhouse on two acres of land that was home to ten , and later twelve , men with disabilities . Sometimes God gives gifts in strange packages . I have found that to be the case . Often when I have been disappointed by a turn of events I wonder if God is secretly trying to give me a gift ( if only I would stop wallowing in self pity and a bad attitude , and receive it . ) Our children grew up on the farm with rosy cheeks and the wind in their hair as they climbed the old trees and looked out across fields of waving corn - - corn that whispered and creaked if they walked in it and listened . They awoke to mornings when the mist rolled across the fields until the sun burned it off , and the breeze sighed tales of summers past over the creek that ran through the field . The children played in the long cupboards that ran the length of the house , beneath the roof . In winter they tobogganed for hours down the hill out back . I only found out after the fact that they had also played in the old barn on the property , leaping from upper floors in the old and dangerous building . But as the 1970 's turned into the 1980 's , we heard of plans to close Pine Ridge , the institution where Paul worked . It is hard now to believe this , but we had mixed feelings about the planned closure . In fact I even wrote a letter to the local paper , expressing my belief that for some people , the institution had the support system needed for their complex needs - - a point of view that I would hear years later from parents when other institutions closed . By that time I was able to reassure them that even for those with complex needs , life is better on the outside of an institution . We , too , wondered what would become of our home . We were praying about it and knew that God had a plan ; but he never sees fit to reveal his plans too far ahead of time . Up until then we had been supported by an interdisciplinary team at Pine Ridge . We had access to behaviour management services ; health services ; the recreation department and vocational services . We needed to decide what to do when Pine Ridge closed . We considered , explored and prayed about several options : coming under the auspices of the local association for community living , where many of the people who we lived with went to day programs ; we considered being connected with Huronia Regional Centre , an institution to the north , in Orillia ; and we considered the possibility of being an independent care home . Paul was attending many planning meetings throughout the stressful and unsettling early months of 1983 . One evening he came home from a meeting at the Nottawasaga Inn near Alliston , where he and other government staff had been meeting with the leaders of community agencies . He said , " Lynn ( his nickname for me ) , today I met a man named Noel Churchman ; the Executive Director of a small agency called Christian Horizons . " He went on to tell me how impressed he had been , both by Noel Churchman , and by the agency . Most of all he was struck by the fact that Christian Horizons was willing to support even the people with the greatest challenges . " Meanwhile , work continued on finding homes for the people living at Pine Ridge . There was a strong parents group opposing the closure , and one day Mr . McKenzie , the administrator , brought the vice president of the concerned parents group to visit our home . I knew that this was a great honour . Our home was filled with second hand furniture . It could happily be described as rustic although it was neat , tidy and clean . But Mr . McKenzie was shrewdly banking on a mother 's instinct to know love when she saw it - - and she did . She said that this was where she wanted her son to come and said that she had seen other homes that were brand new but felt to her , cold and sterile . Here , in this home , she said , she could feel the love . And so it was that her son , began a transition to our home , replacing one of the other men who was moving back to his home community of Brampton . One day that summer , Noel Churchman came to visit us and look at our home . We were getting to know each other ; talking about the possibility of working together and what that might mean . Noel was tall , and skinny as a rail with a slight stoop . His features were sharp and his gray blue eyes twinkled with a quick intelligence and wit that could be biting . He had been a school principal before God called him to work for Christian Horizons in the 1960 's . When Noel had come to Christian Horizons there was a legendary shoe box in which all of the bills to be paid were kept - - that was the extent of the systems in place ! It was in November when another staff of Christian Horizons came to talk to us . He was dark haired and as wiry as Noel . His dark and gentle eyes danced with humour that lay just behind them and his questions were probing . His name was Ed Sider , and he was then the director of operations for Christian Horizons . Before he left he said to me , " Lynn , ( he had picked up Paul 's nickname as did many others back then ) we would like to offer you a position as director of this house , for Christian Horizons . " But then he told me that Christian Horizons did not have a " live in " model . We would have to move out . Ed did not seem worried by that at all . He said to take as much time as we needed and not to feel rushed . " Let 's work towards January , " he said . That was very comforting - - we had nearly two months to figure it out . I opened it up , wiping my hands on a towel and there stood our tenant . He had never come to our house before . He seemed awkward and uneasy . He apologized for bothering us and said that he was really sorry , but they had been offered a house at a rent they couldn 't turn down . He said that they would be moving out on December 31st . Paul continued his work at Pine Ridge ; always in a battle for some improvement or another . He petitioned for a " village area " on the institution property , where several portables gave some people an opportunity to live in a more homelike environment and get ready for the next step - - living in the outside world - - " the community . " He fought for breakfast to be cooked " on the ward " on the weekends , so that the residents could have the pleasure of smelling bacon and eggs cooking . It also meant that they could sleep in later on those days and not miss breakfast - - simple things most people take for granted . Before this , some people did stay up later on Fridays and Saturdays and were tired , but the night shift would get everyone up early in order to change the bed linens as the day shift didn 't like having to do it . It was a short change for staff and those that had worked until 11 the night before were back at 7 . 00 a . m . and not always in good humour . The weekends , as a result of short fuses all around , were times when there were many angry outbursts . When Paul asked for breakfast to be cooked on the ward , he was asked how 52 people could fit into the small dining area there . He said that if his guess was correct , people would get up as they woke up , not all at once - - and that is exactly what happened . The table never had more people around it than would fit , and the atmosphere had changed from tense to relaxed . Maplewood Lodge became a mandatory placement for the students going through the DSW course each year as the coordinator of the program , Mrs . Eileen Moran , a feisty Irish nurse , had taught Paul when he was taking the MRC course . Every February and March , pairs of students would come for a couple of weeks at a time and do part of their course work at our home . It might be coordinating a special event , such as a Valentines party ; or putting together a program to teach someone a skill . God had taken this rather shy introvert , who would not have described herself as a people person , and plunked her into an environment full of all kinds of people . It was during this period that I went from being a detached , and often critical , observer of people , to someone who had grown to love people with a love that was birthed in a heart bigger than my own . Our children , too , were being shaped by our unusual family setting . Certainly there must have been a down side , but it never was evident to me . Their horizons were much broader than they would have been otherwise , because every student that spent time with us also engaged with them . I was tired , but I was young . I survived the long days and unremitting pace and I enjoyed the solitude when everyone else had left for work and school , and I was alone with my thoughts as I shopped and cleaned and cooked and did the many other things needed . I began to attend occasional meetings at Pine Ridge . I remember my first time because I held a piece of paper in my hand that shook as hard as my hand , so intimidated was I by the professionals around the table . I grew in confidence and knowledge though and began to develop a set of deep values about working with people who need support . Our years of living with people taught me that people really are more the same than different and that disability wasn 't the difference as much as just another part of someone . It was fall when Rob arrived . The children had made welcome banners out of construction paper , which I found while cleaning up in the loft room recently . " Welcome to Canada , Uncle Bob . We love you , " the words danced over the paper in childishly scrawled letters . Peter remembers Rob 's green Adidas track suit , in which he thought he looked like the Green Giant ! He credits his uncle with teaching him how to throw a frisbee and catch a football . He taught Peter to keep his eye on the ball , a principle he thinks helped him finally win the heart of Sue after we had all given up hope ! His dad also helped , with the adage , " Faint heart never won fair lady . " How could he go wrong ? Rob mowed a running track into the front lawn . Not used the heat and humidity , he sweltered as he ran , sweat dripping , while Peter trotted behind him . Peter made the mistake once , of saying to his uncle , " This is easy . " Rob was not impressed ! Buffy the cat seemed to target Rob for special blessings . She used his suitcase as a rather large litter box on occasion , and when she was sprayed in the face by a skunk she retreated to her favourite suitcase . Rob is the most fastidious person you would ever wish to meet , so of all the places she could choose , this one caused the most laughter . : ) At our family Christmas this year , Brenda and Peter spoke of them fondly while looking at some photographs from those happy days . Thirty years later they remember them through the eyes of the children they were then . They didn 't understand , or see , disability , but they understood qualities of the heart , and in that department they lived among some giants . Stanley was 57 when we moved into the home where he had already lived for two years . We had no idea then that he would be part of our lives for the next 29 years , until he died in 2003 at 86 . Everyone who knew him loved him , and no wonder . He was the kindest , most selfless person in the world . Having grown up during the Depression , he was always concerned with having enough money in the bank for that proverbial rainy day . He never splurged on himself , but he was generous to a fault with others . When Peter and Brenda played outside , it was Stanley who warned them to stay away from the road . They remember their childhood surrounded by his loving concern . Years later , when Stanley was an old man , he was cared for by the agency I work for now , Christian Horizons . Before Christmas I spent some time chatting with one of the two staff who sat with him the night he died , almost 7 years ago . She was young and scared . She 'd never been with a dying person before . She and her coworker sang to him , all his favourite songs . They stroked him and held him close as his breathing became more shallow . His face began to perspire , and the young staff immediately said that she would change his pajamas for him . Her coworker stopped her ; she knew from experience that the time they had dreaded had come . They each held one of his hands and prayed . Then the young staff said , " It 's all right Stanley . Go to Jesus . " Stanley 's eyes were closed , but he raised both his arms up in the air , outstretched to someone only he could see , then he breathed his last breath . It was a holy moment , when heaven intersected with earth , and they were privileged to be there . Mervin reminded me of a daddy long legs . He was tall and thin and walked with the jerky gait of cerebral palsy . He had a shock of dark blond , soft , frizzy hair that stood out from his head , like an Afro . His elderly Jewish parents came to see him regularly and took him home for the holidays . Mervin himself went to church , and like Abe , another man of Jewish background who lived with us , seemed to have found his own faith , in Christ . I have never known anyone who anticipated Christmas better than Mervin . Some time in September each year he would begin stowing away small gifts beneath his bed , with a twinkle in his eyes akin to the star of Bethlehem . For Mervin there was so much joy in the plotting , hiding and giving . When we left for a family trip to England one summer , Mervin was not well . He had a stubborn cough that turned out to be caused by a blood clot on his lung . He died in hospital while we were away . Although she doesn 't remember him now , Brenda was inconsolable and sobbed for days when we heard the news . The years that we spent living at Maplewood Lodge , from August 1974 to January 1984 were so happy ; we all feel that way . And if you were to ask any of the men that lived with us through those years , they would mostly say the same . I know that because some of them are still in my life . When we took over the running of the home from the people who were there before us , I followed the routine that was in place already . On weekdays the men would be picked up at 8 . 00 a . m by a van that would take them to work at locations in Newmarket , Brampton and Aurora . They would come home again in the afternoon at about 4 . 00 . In between I would be busy shopping , cooking and cleaning . On Monday mornings the men would bring their sheets and towels downstairs and I would launder them . In summer , I hung them to blow in the wind on the line that hung from near the window in the breezeway . I would fold them up and put them by their places at the three tables in their large kitchen . When they got home they would put them back on their beds . On Thursdays they would bring down their soiled clothing and I would wash them . When she was with us , Oma would sew on missing buttons and mend any ripped seams . She could never rest while there was work to be done . She saw the men as needing extra love and care and she had a lot of compassion for them . Here is another re - post from 2009 , in honour of our days at Maplewood Lodge . Having walked on the land where the house once stood this past Saturday , I enjoyed reading this again and remembering . . . I 'm thankful the readers of this blog who encouraged me to keep writing these memoir posts a few years ago . Because of your encouragement , we have the treasure of these memories in writing : Yes , we did celebrate . We celebrated St . Patrick 's day by giving prizes to the person who wore the greatest number of green items of clothing or we had Irish stew and mashed potatoes tinted green ; we made the same special heart shaped cookies each year at Valentines ; we had parties with old fashioned games like Pass the Parcel , and Blind Man 's Bluff and Musical Chairs - - all played by our children and the men we cared for . Every occasion was duly feted , including 16 birthdays a year , for which I baked and decorated all of the cakes . Our surroundings were humble in terms of furnishings , but those things are so unimportant really when it comes to the enjoyment of life . The fun , as a parcel is tossed from hand to hand , with layers of paper torn off in the interval when the music stops was intense ! Many times the " paper ripper " would have to be urged to stop ripping when the music started again and pass on the parcel that grew ever more tantalizingly small and close to the inner surprise with every layer . Hands held onto that parcel tightly before letting go , willing the music to stop before it passed on . It makes me laugh even now to think of it . Christmas was the crowning Celebration of Celebrations and preparations began in late October with the baking of the Christmas cakes - - a rich concoction from an English recipe , into which after baking for hours in brown paper lined tins , I would poke holes with skewers and pour in brandy , wrapping afterwards in brandy soaked tea towels and putting them somewhere cool to ripen . Sometime in early December the cake would be unwrapped and brushed with sieved apricot jam with which to adhere a layer of almond icing . This would be left to harden for a day or so and then came the layer of royal icing . One year I made three oblong cakes with the message Peace , Love and Joy , respectively . I left them on the dining room table so that the icing could harden . Imagine my dismay to find that our little mutt , Honey , had found the scent of brandy laced fruit irresistable . I came into the room and found her on her hind legs , a good third of her way into one of the cakes ! I momentarily forgot peace , love and joy ! The cake was too precious to waste and I salvaged what I could . I once bumped into Mr . McKenzie , the administrator of Pine Ridge when I was there for a meeting one November and he asked me how things were . I said that I was very busy baking for Christmas . He asked why I was baking and not just buying . I tried to explain that Christmas was home made . It made it more special somehow and each year the same special treats issued from the kitchen and were carefully stored out in the cold breezeway : rocky road fudge ; shortbread ; sugar cookies decorated by the children ; mince pies , and many other delicacies . We began a tradition of having a big Christmas open house in December , to which a stream of 80 or so people would come : family members , staff from Pine Ridge and friends of the men who lived at Maplewood . We would have large bowls of cold salads , plates of turkey , English trifle and all of the baking would be out for the occasion . We would always spend time after eating , singing some carols . Christmas shopping and wrapping was a huge undertaking for our large household . It was unthinkable that there would be inequity in the quantity of presents . We recognized that we owed our living to the people we had moved in to support and on Christmas Eve , after they went to bed , I crept into their side of the house and laid piles of presents to add to those from their families , beneath the lights that twinkled magically on the tree . Everyone cooperated by going to bed early that night of the year as if by some unspoken agreement , and there was a hushed anticipation over the whole house . There was at least one true believer in Santa Claus amongst the men , which added to the magic . After a quick breakfast we would all go and join the men around their tree . Some would have gone home for Christmas , but there were usually about 7 who hadn 't . The names on the presents would be read out by Paul with a Santa hat on ; on his hands and knees by the tree . One person in particular , would never open any of his presents , but would sit while his pile accumulated beside him , until there were no more presents under the tree . Then , and only then , would he begin to open them . Around our tree the presents beckoned , but we had church yet ! Paul would take the children to church while I prepared the Christmas dinner . On his way home he would stop and pick up our very dear , elderly friend , Miss MacDonald , my beloved " Aunt Agnes . " Aunt Agnes never married because her first beau died in the First World War and she left the second love of her life behind on the mission field in Africa , when malaria forced her to return to Canada . One year after Christmas I asked her what she had done for Christmas and was crushed to hear that she had spent it alone . I had imagined that she would be in demand at many Christmas tables . I vowed that as long as she lived she would never spend another alone , and she didn 't . Eventually the children , Paul and Aunt Agnes would arrive back from church and sometimes Paul 's family would join us too . By this time the children would be getting phone calls from their friends , asking what they got for Christmas . " We don 't know yet ! " they would say , to the disbelief of their friends . We didn 't intentionally spread the day out like this but there was just so much to be done ! Eventually all the presents were opened and dinner was served . The best of all times came then , when the afternoon twilight would deepen and the Christmas lights would twinkle in each room . Boxes of chocolates were opened and snacks laid out ; turkey sandwiches made for the evening meal , and a happy quietness settled over all of us in the house . Sated and tired we snoozed intermittently and had another chocolate or two , grateful for the blessings of Christmas . This is the house on Second Street ; now Bayview Avenue , between Newmarket and Aurora , to which we moved on July 31 , 1974 , when I was just 24 . The drawing was done by Al Calverly , a social worker at Pine Ridge , for an article I wrote about the home in 1981 for the Pine Ridge News . By then it was known as Maplewood Lodge , a name chosen by the men with developmental disabilities who lived there . I spent the month before we moved , preparing to cook for 15 on a daily basis . I visited the ministry of agriculture office and picked up wads of booklets full of recipes . I still have some of them . I loved cooking , but this would be COOKING ! A family at our church ran a Home for Special Care ( a boarding home associated with the ministry of health ) in Newmarket , and they offered to help with the meals for the first day . They gave me useful tips like where to shop in bulk . We also met the couple we would be replacing as " house parents " for the group of ten men with developmental disabilities . They were an older couple , although I am sure they were no older than we are now . They were moving to another town to run a Home for Special Care . They told us the routines and said about the men , " You 'll find that they will be quite compliant for the most part . They were used to doing what they were told in the institution . " I shuddered at those words , which I never forgot , but said nothing , I was learning , and would retain what was useful and right , discarding what was not . The couple had a two dogs . One , named Brandy , was a big old white bulldog ; slow , blind and used to the place , so they said they would like to leave him behind . We said , " Okay . " The house was really two houses . The old farm house , which was probably over a hundred years old , is seen from the front in Al 's drawing , and faced the road . Another house built on the back , faced the fields . It was the Stephens family who lay in the pioneer burial ground in the orchard , although then there was just one complete headstone , for Shadrach and Elizabeth Stephens . Far out in the field , at the back of the house , by the curving bank of the creek that ran through it , was another memorial stone , with the names : Daniel Prior and Lydia Stephens . Why the stone was there is a mystery . I always wondered whether they were buried out there in a place that was special to them . In any case , in later years , when the land was filled with huge houses and the fields and creek were no more , the headstone joined the rest of the family in the orchard . The cemetery is still there , but now surrounded by a black wrought iron fence . One day , after we had been there for several years , on a gray , misty day , there was a knock at the door and a sombre looking man stood at the door in a raincoat , carrying a briefcase . He handed me a card which identified him as a Government Cemetery Inspector . I was surprised that such a person existed , but he told me that his job was to inspect pioneer burial grounds and make sure that they were being properly maintained . He also told me that there were 32 people buried in ours ! Neither house was well insulated and they were heated by an oil furnace in the cellar of the farmhouse . A big truck would come and fill up the oil tank that stood outside the house . Because the houses were surrounded by tall , shady trees , and because there were windows facing in all directions that could be opened , we all felt reasonably comfortable in summer , but in the winter it was chilly and we would hear loud bangs and cracks as the house responded to the deep cold . The pipes would frequently freeze and the plumbing to the septic system was primitive and ineffective . Paul spent many hours down below the floor boards , heating pipes , or outside digging and dealing with the septic system blockages . Now , the house would never pass a safety inspection as it was most definitely a fire hazard , but in those days it passed the regulations that were required . We just had to have fire extinguishers strategically placed . The house stood on two acres of land dotted with trees and flowering shrubs . . There were lilac bushes that surrounded a big vegetable garden close to the apple orchard . Each May I would pick the rhubarb and inhale the fragrance of the lilac . Pink , creamy white and deep burgundy peonies were planted along the south east side of the house and bloomed every June . When we eventually moved , we dug up a couple of the peonies to take with us to our new home ; a reminder of such happy years there . The men we had moved in with were quite independent , and several of them later moved on to live in their own apartments as the home was meant to be a stepping stone . As John , Sam , Jim , Gerald , Ivan and Jack eventually moved , they were replaced by Wesley , Fred , Percy , Rodney , another John , and Tom . Then George and Mervin came to stay on an emergency basis and didn 't leave , so the number of men grew to 12 . Our first night there , at about 8 . 30 , we heard a rustling sound in the kitchen . We investigated and found several mice busily running over the countertops as though they owned the kitchen ! Over the next few days we waged war on the mice and caught 25 of the critters in traps . We hated to do it , but had no choice . Thereafter we managed to keep them at bay with the help of Buffy the cat . On my first morning as " Mother of Many , " I found that I had ten tutors to help me with what I didn 't know , which was a lot . I had only to ask and they showed me the ropes . We were off and running . . . I had my packed lunch and thermos of coffee - - and there was no rush to get home . I parked my car , refilled my coffee cup and headed for a park bench . While I ate , people passed on bikes , on foot , in a wheelchair and on skateboards . I just enjoyed being still , enjoying the view , breathing in the fresh air and feeling the warmth of the sun . It wasn 't long before I was back on the road home , with lots of day still ahead . Brenda had made reservations for the two of us at 5 . 30 an Italian restaurant in Newmarket , called Spero ; which means , " I hope . " Brenda 's husband Kevin was at his family 's cottage , helping them to get the dock ready for the summer , and Paul was busy in the garden . Brenda wanted to celebrate my birthday , which is coming up soon , and this was the perfect opportunity to have a girls ' night out ! After the soup we each chose a different " salata . " Mine was decadent ! Arugula topped with pan seared pears and caramelized pecans . Every morsel was exquisitely tasty . As we headed east though , both of us had the same thought at the same moment . We were passing too close to our old home of 30 years ago , Maple Wood Lodge , where we spent some of the happiest years of our lives with a group of men with developmental disabilities . The house has been pulled down , but the land is still not built on . Brenda loved that place . The sun had not gone down yet as we pulled into the old driveway . The lilac bushes bowed beneath the weight of abundant blooms , and their intoxicating fragrance encircled us , bringing back memories of the nine Mays we spent there . Happy , happy days . And then , across rolling farmland , we drove to Mount Albert and Brenda 's new home as of the end of July . A home that she has said more than once , is the kind that , " Omie would have loved . " It is cozy , just big enough ! Even on Thursday , driving south with co - workers from a meeting in Huntsville ; as we approached Barrie , the highway going north was packed with cars that were moving as slowly as the last dregs of ketchup on their way out of the bottle . So I set my alarm extra early for Saturday morning and left the house an hour before my appointment . Maybe it was because it was a holiday weekend that I packed as though I was going on a road trip . I had a packed lunch ; extra coffee in a thermos ; my camera ( who knew what photo opportunities might present themselves , ) and a great book to read . And just in case I finished the first one ; a back up book . I drove into the parking lot of the Gravity Salon , twenty minutes early and went in and greeted Ivo , the owner . I said that I knew I was very early . He laughed and said , " And you know she ( Jamie ) isn 't going to be here , don 't you ? " I did , and I adore her just the way she is , because when I am the one in her chair , I am the only person in the world on her mind . Ivo showed me upstairs to the still empty second floor , but I decided to go grab my camera from the car and take some photos to record this part of my day . My heart refused deflation . " You are not ruining it , " I said , " I 'm here enjoying the music , writing , coffee and quiet . If Jamie can squeeze me in , great ! If not , I am still having a great day . " During the wait I got to read without distraction . It was wonderful . Jamie squeezed in my root retouch between stages of doing the hair of her two " legitimate " customers of the morning . I thanked them both for not minding my pushing in to a little of their time , but I didn 't want to be really rude , so I got Jamie to just comb out my hair and leave it to dry on the way home , rather than blow dry it . At the cash register I had a great surprise - - a deal on colour that week , and a savings on no blow dry . So sweet ! And Jamie was happy too , as she has a waiting list of customers for cancellations , so she will fill my appointment for next Saturday with another happy client . I wanted to talk to Rob on Saturday . . . I needed to debrief the emotion that unexpectedly inflamed my heart through reading Mum 's letters and my journals of late 2002 . Throughout the day I looked at the clock many times , thinking of where he would be in his Saturday , over 3 , 000 miles away and in a different time zone . I know his routine by heart . At 5 . 00 p . m . here , I know that he will be putting on Bruce 's lead and heading down the stairs of his flat , and out into the village for Bruce 's nightly last walk . When he comes back , about 15 minutes later , he will take off the lead inside the front door and Bruce will gallop up the stairs ahead of him , and shake his big head at the top , his small ears flapping hard . Rob will take off his collar , talking to Bruce about getting into his ( Bruce 's ) pajamas . Rob always says that they look very similar to his day clothes , in fact you can hardly tell them apart . : ) Rob then moves Bruce 's bed into the kitchen so that he can settle there and himself he takes the newspaper to bed for a read before going to sleep . Then I told him about the pain I had uncovered as I relived those long ago months , in writing . I had wanted to ask him about his experience of that time , meaning to take notes and continue writing the story . He filled in more details that I hadn 't even known , or remembered . It was good to talk about " then , " and be thankful together for the later years . Later on that night , I wrote about knowing that it would not be right or respectful to write the details here . And then we went on to other things - - his boys , and his justified pride in who they are and how they are doing . I told him about the excitement of Brenda and Kevin 's first house purchase together about to be completed and their pending move this summer . His voice conveyed his happiness for them . Back in August last year , in a blog post : Nobody Tells You , that we were floundering in our relationship . We are so different and Mum had been the centre of our conversation and our lives in many ways , and she bound us together . Without her , I felt unsure , uncertain of the next step in the dance of relationship . I wrote back then : " We will find our way and find one another in a new way . We love each other . We just don 't quite know how to be yet ; now that she 's gone . " This Mother 's Day we woke up in Ontario , to a joke being played by Mother Nature ! It was snowing . In May . After being over 70 degrees in Toronto last week ! As I drove to church , I thought of the 10 K run that Brenda had signed up for . Surely she wouldn 't be doing it in this weather , I thought , especially since she hadn 't been running for the past three months after her training schedule was interrupted by some health issues . I couldn 't imagine anyone running in the freezing cold of this morning . There were 27 , 000 runners , cheered on by crowds of onlookers holding up encouraging signs . She is the one in the second row centre with the headband . I am sure that her two girls are as proud of her as I am . Happy Mother 's Day Sweetie ! Tonight I dug out my journal for those months in 2002 . My trip to England in October was both painful and healing . I was reading Philip Yancey 's book , What is So Amazing About Grace ? during my weeks there , and it helped set me free from anger and unforgiveness . I will be forever grateful for that . I don 't think I can write about the back story to all of that as it is so very personal and hard to expose ; it doesn 't feel right . Maybe I will find a way sometime in the future to put it into words in a way that will add value to whomever reads it , but at this point I think it would just be depressing and I don 't want to do that to people ! I would rather that you came here and got cheered up . But I do want to share what Mum wrote on her 76th birthday , on December 15th , 2002 , because in it she wrote about my friend Susan , who you all know . Mum had met her during her own visits to Canada and she loved her . Here is what she wrote : Hi ! I 've missed a few days here and there , but that 's not important . I enjoyed my birthday very much ! I have enjoyed all my phone calls so much . Susan 's call was such a lovely surprise . She 's just priceless . : ) I felt so close to her and all of you and all of our lovely friends . Susan is special though and I don 't mind to lend my stick to her anytime : ) ( Susan had hurt her ankle while Mum was in Canada once , and Mum had loaned her , her walking stick ! ) I hope she won 't need it though ! Deborah phoned as well as Auntie Corry , Adrie , Lijda , Mies and Uncle Jan and Dicky . And of course your lovely call , and Susan 's . I felt so spoilt . : ) I suppose you have to feel that way on your birthday . . . . I had plans . There are so many things when you work full time , that just don 't fit into the time left at the end of the day , or squeeze into a Saturday , what with the laundry , shopping and cleaning ( like I even really do cleaning as it should be done ! : ) ) I 'm not complaining though . I wrote a while back about the routine my mum had , without the help of a dishwasher , washing machine or dryer . And I love my job . No complaints . In a week that has been glorious ; unseasonably warm and sunny - - like a sudden outbreak of summer ; today , Friday , dawned gray and cool and drizzly . It didn 't matter ! I woke up without a deadline for getting up , but got up because I didn 't want to waste a precious minute . Paul was away , on his way home from a conference in Ottawa , so I relished solitude and listened to the rat - at - tat - tat of the needles of rain on the skylights as I made coffee and whipped up an omelette for breakfast . The body fed , it was time for the soul and a meeting with God . He was waiting of course ; he always is . Precious minutes , aha moments as I read his Word ! I loved every minute spent with him , face to face and heart to heart . I got sidetracked then , from my plan for the day , but that too , was pleasurable . I could get sidetracked and it didn 't matter . I tidied some shelves and purged some more of the things I really don 't need , washed them and wrapped them in tissue , to go to Alliston 's Attic the thrift store that supports the school where three of our grandchildren go . I had already turned the heat back on after feeling frozen by the air conditioning that had been needed earlier in the week . Outside today it was only 11 degrees . Air conditioning definitely not needed ! I put on my raincoat and still feeling chilled , cranked up the heat in my car as I drove off , and headed to the post office to pick up our mail . " It feels so lovely and warm in here , " I said to Diana , who was working away behind the counter , dressed in her blue Canada Post uniform . She smiled and said , " And I haven 't even had the heat on ! " I felt that I had entered a magical place ! The walls were covered with clocks of every type and every size , all unique , some quirky , all of them beautiful ! The counters had display cases that held antique watches , rings and other treasures . Behind the counter a man stood talking to a man in front of the counter , but stopped to invite me in a European accent that I couldn 't pin down , to , " Show me your baby ; " the clock in my arms . As I drove away through the quaint and pretty village , and headed for Aurora and my doctor 's office , I turned my car radio to Classical 96 . 3 fm . I usually listen to CBC , but wasn 't interested in the topic under discussion . The piece of music playing on 96 . 3 was a notturno Opus 12 by Joseph Joachim ( 1831 - 1907 . ) The voice of the violin plucked the strings of my heart , pulling it almost out of my chest , it was so achingly beautiful . I think it was played by Daniel Hope . I have looked for the piece on You Tube but can 't find it . Find it , listen , and be prepared to have your heart almost explode with ecstasy . By Lorianne Dueck The morning sunlight blazed through Confederation Park . The tulip petals glowed . We were on our way to pray . Over 400 men and women me . . . Wow , it was not my intention to disappear from the blog for so long ! I tell you , this parenting gig isn 't easy . It just swallows me up at times . March and . . . The internet gives us a great opportunity to broadcast messages far and wide . But without back - and - forth and face - to - face , we lose a lot of nuance . We ne . . . |
I have just a couple of things to say before I reveal my story 's illustration : 1 ) The models featured do not look a bit like what I had in mind . Seriously ! 2 ) Oh my God , look at those mom jeans ! Seriously ! For the third week in a row , I sat in one of the ritziest restaurants in town , waiting for Will . I was on my third cup of coffee , and the caffeine was starting to give me the jitters . To top it all off , I noticed a good - looking guy just a few tables away had been watching me for the past half hour . I glanced at my watch for the millionth time . It was getting pretty obvious that I 'd been stood up . I didn 't know whether to leave or to give him fifteen more minutes . After all , I understood that Will was a busy man . I wasn 't surprised when the waiter arrived with a phone . Not again , I moaned . The tears sprung quickly to my eyes , and I quickly hid my face with the palm of my hand . If only that guy wasn 't watching my every move . As soon as Will explained why he wasn 't going to make it - yet another big project - I hung up without giving him the satisfaction of so much as a good - bye . I was furious , very apparently so . I have a very tough time disguising my emotions . I smiled over at this mystery man . He smiled encouragingly . I blushed . Ah , what the hell , I thought . My day is already wasted . I 'd taken the afternoon off from work to meet Will . Why not try to salvage what 's left of the day ? I raised my hands in surrender . The waiter retreated with the phone . " I 'm not intruding , am I ? " the stranger asked as he pulled out a seat . His gray - green eyes lent some life to his otherwise plain face . " Hardly , " I laughed , in answer to his question . " The jerk I 'm dating just canceled our third date in a row . You think he 's trying to tell me something ? " I saw no reason to lie to this stranger . " For about eight months . He keeps telling me he 's going to divorce his wife . They 've been separated for a year . I guess I should have known better . " My bitterness was quite evident . " I 've never been here before myself . It 's a bit too ritzy for me . Actually , I saw you through the window . I just had to find out what a beautiful woman like you was doing all alone on such a sunny day . " It was nice to be with someone my age . At a small café overlooking the river , we stopped to have a beer and enjoy the warmth of the sun on their patio . Bright red geraniums bloomed in clay pots on every table , and I inhaled their bittersweet scent . I told him almost everything . I told him how I 'd always wanted to be a writer but had given up that dream when I graduated from high school . My father , an abusive man to both my mother and myself , had died when I was twelve . Three years later , my mother discovered she had ovarian cancer . I spent every spare moment I had when I was fifteen and sixteen nursing her at home . The year I turned seventeen , the cancer , which we thought we had beaten with chemotherapy , was found in her stomach and intestines . It was spreading rapidly . Before the school year was out , she had died . The insurance money - both hers and my father 's - barely covered her funeral and our debts . I finished out the year , but my grades dropped . There was no chance for a scholarship and no money for college . As soon as I graduated , I began job hunting . I was living with my aunt at the time , and I soon found a job as a secretary for a publishing company . I might never write books , but at least I could be near them . They had been a refuge from my father when I was young , and from my mother 's illness as I grew older . I found another job , at night , working at a bookstore . For the next three years , I lost myself in work . I desperately wanted a place of my own . I didn 't want to have to depend on anyone ever again . As for a social life , I wasn 't interested . I 'd occasionally do things with my friend , Christie , but she was married and wasn 't generally available . On the evening of my twenty - second birthday , I lamented the fact I was still a virgin , and except for a few chaste kisses in high school , very much innocent to the games of love . That night , I reassessed my life and what I wanted from it . I decided it was time I started dating . I wanted a love life , but more importantly , I wanted to find a good man , someone to love me , and someone to be a good father to my children . Listening to Christie talk of her childhood and marriage , I realized it was possible to have something better than I had . Christie must have put the word out , because I started receiving invitations again . I quit my job at the bookstore and started dating . Then , just over eight months ago , I met Will . I stared at him with shock . Was he right ? Was that why I felt more relief than anger the past three times Will had stood me up ? " You may be right , " I said to Terence . " It 's something for me to consider . At any rate , I intend to end it all tomorrow . It 's gone on long enough . I need to get a real life . " " She 's the one who encouraged me to pursue my art , " he explained . " So far , I 'm having limited success . " Terence said he designed stained glass and had sold several pieces already . " I really work as a welder , " he said , " but I work on my stained glass in my spare time . " " You 're right . Just like you , I 've put so much time and effort into my art , that I 've neglected my love life , but not to the extent that you had . " He laughed and hugged me . " It was eleven o ' clock before I got back to my apartment . Over candlelight and wine , we had continued our conversation , moving from the subject of our lives to the subject of favorite books and movies . It seemed like we 'd never run out of things to say . There was so much to talk about ! I was in a daze that night . Once ready for bed , I lay staring at the ceiling while my mind whirled . Was I cheating on Will ? Did I care ? I was beginning to wonder what I saw in him anyway . Was that too terrible ? After all , he hadn 't appeared too concerned about me lately . I was tempted to call him right there and then and tell him it was over . But I 'd have to call him at home , and I hated to do that . What if his wife answered ? Then again , there 'd be a certain satisfaction if she did . But I couldn 't do that . After all , I was one of the villains , especially if they weren 't separated at all , as I was beginning to suspect , thanks to Terence . I decided I 'd call him from work the next day . Of course , I wasn 't supposed to call him there , either . As a matter of fact , I was never supposed to contact Will at all . What had I been thinking all this time ? How had I continued to fool myself that he had really cared for me ? Even though I was alone , I blushed . How could I have been such a fool ? I looked at the phone . I was tempted to call Terence just because I could . Will and I had never talked , now that I really thought about it . I finally admitted to myself that it was mostly his financial power that had led me into a dangerous and stupid affair with Will , along with the father - figure image . Will was more than thirty years older than I was . Maybe I had been searching for the love and respect that I had never received from my father . I felt sure a psychiatrist would have a field day with all this . I had met Will at a publishing party just over eight months ago . I 'd been on a blind date with Christie 's cousin . I hated blind dates , but since Christie was my best friend , I just felt I couldn 't say no . To avoid being alone with Fred all evening , I suggested strongly that we go to the party being put on by my firm . Secretaries weren 't usually invited to these lavish affairs , but we had just made an especially profitable deal and the whole company was celebrating . I told him it would be good for my career . It was also already evident that Fred and I weren 't compatible . He was nice enough . There was just no spark there . I nodded and looked away , assuming he would move on after realizing his mistake , but he slipped his arm through mine and began steering me toward the patio . The party was being held at the house of the president of our company . I don 't even remember what line he used to get me outdoors . " Amanda - " I started , and my eyes widened . He 'd said Will Matthews . It was a fairly common name , but his face looked familiar now that I thought about it . Was he the same Will Matthews in the society pages ? The same man who was the brains behind the word processing program I used at work ? He must have seen recognition in my eyes , including recognition of the fact he was married , because he led me to a bench and began relating his marriage woes to me . Boy , was I gullible . I swallowed every word - hook , line , and sinker . He had held my hand during the entire story , and I felt my heart aching for him while simultaneously other parts burned for him . I already longed to feel his mouth on mine , his hands caressing my body . Our bench was hidden from the open doors of the patio , and the next thing I knew I was in his arms , drowning in the depths of a very passionate kiss . Will didn 't waste any time getting what he wanted . I guess that 's why he was so rich . At that moment in time what he wanted was Amanda Gillford , and if it hadn 't been for Christie 's cousin , Fred , he might have had me a lot sooner . I nearly leapt to the moon I was so startled . " My date , " I explained , blushing furiously . I thought I saw anger flare in Will 's eyes when I had jumped out of his arms , but it turned out to be amusement . " Wait . " He grabbed my skirt . " Give me your number . " He pulled out a business card and a gold pen and wrote it down as I recited it . For the next few days , every time the phone rang , my heart would jump and my stomach would drop . The next weekend was fast approaching , and I still hadn 't heard from him . He 's a busy man , I rationalized . He probably even travels a lot . For all you know , he 's out of town . When he finally called on Friday evening , I was furious and had no right to be . I was also embarrassed . What was I doing at home on a Friday ? I should be out , enjoying myself . If I hadn 't wanted to see him so badly , I would have told him I was on my way out the door . Instead , I gave him directions to my apartment . In my mind , I had everything planned for when he got there . I would show him in , offer him some wine , and act coolly toward him . But , in reality , when I opened the door , he swept me into his arms and once his lips touched mine , I was a goner . Blushing , I admitted that I had never made love before . He promised he 'd be gentle . He told me it was an honor to him that he was the first , and proceeded to introduce me to the pleasures of lovemaking . We only talked about his work once , and that was because I brought up the subject . I told him that I used his word processing program at the publishing house and that I loved it . We were snuggled up in a king - sized bed in the hotel where I always met him . I 'd wait in the restaurant downstairs , and I 'd get a phone call telling me what room to come to . He was very careful . He had explained to me that a man of his influence couldn 't risk his reputation by seeing another woman until after the divorce was final . Funny how that divorce never seemed to progress . It actually took me almost six months before I realized I was nothing more than a lover to him , just a mistress and plaything . He treated me royally with champagne , room service , caviar , lobster and steak , gifts of jewelry and lingerie . I was on cloud nine . I did finally start noticing that he would never speak of his family or work . I was never allowed to call him , so I saw him only when he wanted to see me . It was , I realized , a very one - sided relationship . But I loved him , desperately , and when we were alone together , he professed his love to me . The situation was difficult , he said , but the divorce was underway . Only Christie knew of our affair , and she was vehemently against it . I couldn 't stop , since I 'd become dependent on him . So , Christie , while she spoke badly about Will , still supported me when two weeks would go by without a word from him . Crying on her shoulder in the ladies ' room , she pat my back and cursed Will for all he was worth . Now for the third week in a row , Will had canceled our weekly rendezvous . I turned my head to look at the clock and realized that my pillow was soaked . I felt my face , and it was wet with tears . Was Will getting tired of me ? Or was he really involved in a major project like he said he was ? I just didn 't know . It was no longer enough , meeting him once a week in an expensive hotel room . I wanted all of him , not part . I had tried to keep that need in me from showing , but I was beginning to wonder if Will hadn 't somehow felt that I was getting too serious . Perhaps he was drawing away . If that were trued , I decided I had better be the one to break it off and save myself a little heartache . I wondered how Will would take the phone call . I had a feeling he would be very upset - not because I was dropping him , but because I was the one doing the dropping . Now there was Terence . I felt like I ought to feel guilty about my feelings for him , but actually all I felt was defiance . I was just drifting off to sleep when the phone rang . I awoke to a pounding on my door before dawn . My ever faithful clock radio told me it was just after five in the morning . Dragging myself out of bed , yawning , I pulled on a robe and slowly headed for the door . Grabbing a blanket , we went out onto the terrace of my apartment and snuggled up , backs against the brick wall of the building , and waited for the sun to come up . The sky had already begun to turn pink and orange but the sun had yet to appear . When it finally peeked over the horizon , we looked at each other , as if we had caused it to rise , and then we both burst out laughing . It was almost dark when we pulled back into town . Terence dropped me off at my apartment so that I could get ready for our dinner date . After a late movie , I was exhausted , but Terence begged me to hold on just a bit longer , and I allowed him to take me to his favorite club for a few dances and a nightcap . " Yes , " he admitted , " but it 's worth it for you . " He took me into his arms . " I 've never met anyone like you . I feel like I 've known you forever . " He looked so earnest that I had to laugh . " Of course you can go to church with me , Terence . Pick me up at nine - thirty . " He looked as if he might protest again and I put a finger over his lips . " Don 't push your luck . " A couple of minutes and a passionate kiss later , he was gone with a wave . I watched , heart thumping madly , until he was out of sight . This was all happening so fast . Was I rebounding from Will to Terence ? Did I care ? After church , we came back to my apartment for brunch . Together , we fixed scrambled eggs , bacon , croissants and fruit , and a big pot of hot coffee . We lingered over our meal for hours , sipping coffee , nibbling on the food , and reading to each other from the comics page . I tried not to let the disappointment show in my face . " It 's getting late , " I said . " Do you have time to get ready ? " I started breathing again . " I have some work that I really need to get done , not to mention the fact that I am exhausted for some reason . " I smiled . " I think I 'll call it an early night . " " What 's that ? " he asked , pulling me into a bear hug . I pulled away and stared at my feet . I couldn 't look him in the eye . " Call him at home , " Terence said , pushing his way into my apartment and heading toward the phone . Picking up the receiver , he asked me for the number . " I 'll call him , " he said . " I 'll be glad to . " " I can 't call him at home , " I said , angrily , taking the receiver from his clenched fist . " What if his wife answers the phone ? I can 't do that to her . " " No , of course not . But I 've thought about her often enough , and I have come to the conclusion over the past few nights that she isn 't the witch Will made her out to be . I think he knew he had to make her sound bad to keep me where he wanted me . " I felt as if I had been slapped . Tears sprang to my eyes , but I reacted with anger . " You knew my situation the day we met ! As a matter of fact , if it hadn 't been for Will and his standing me up , we 'd never have met . Perhaps that would have been better . " I couldn 't hold back the tears any longer . " I 'm sorry , " Terence said , taking me into his arms and kissing the tears away . " I was suddenly just overwhelmed with jealousy . I feel like I 've known you all my life , and suddenly I felt cheated on . " I said goodbye to him in the lobby of my office building . He looked at me sternly , but did not repeat his warning . He left and my stomach took a dive . I really didn 't want to call Will . I hated confrontations . Once at my desk , I picked up the receiver and then quickly put it back down . Iwould wait until ten , I decided . That would give me time for another cup of coffee , a confession to Christie , and Will would surely be in his office by then . " Whatever for ? " she interrupted . " That jerk never shows you any consideration . You ought to be ecstatic to be the one to tell him to get lost . Better you than him . " I couldn 't tell if he was hurt or relieved . " It 's what I want , " I said , but I could feel the tears stinging my eyes . He was supposed to be the one who was upset , not me ! I hung up on him . Let him think that I was angry . I was angry . I felt degraded and used . Had I really only been his plaything ? I took a deep breath and looked over at Christie . I nodded . It was done . She gave me a thumb 's up . I smiled . After all , I had wound up with something better - Terence . Now I could pursue this new relationship with no feelings of guilt or deception . I had a new and happier life to look forward to . " What are you doing Saturday night ? " Terence asked . A month had passed , and we had seen each other as often as possible . So often , in fact , that I had come to take for granted our weekends together . I wondered if I would ever find out what had caused the break between the two , but I was delighted about finally meeting his mother . I looked forward to this weekend with just a bit of trepidation . Terence , and his mother , Irma , were very close , and was also an only child . What if she didn 't like me ? When Saturday finally rolled around , I agonized over what to wear . I finally settled on a matching skirt and blouse in a rich , jewel - toned paisley . I had bought it to attend a friend 's wedding the previous winter . It seemed perfect for an evening dinner without being overdressed . I gasped when we pulled up to the gates of a huge mansion on the outskirts of town . I looked at Terence , feeling shock . " You never told me your family had money , " I accused him . He had led me to believe his mother had lots of class , that she was very tasteful , and a once - struggling artist just like himself , but from the one - room efficiency that he occupied in an iffy section of town , I 'd never have guessed that Terence 's folks were rich . " It 's my father 's money , " he explained . " Mom has to live with it , or I guess I should say that she has chosen to live with it . I , on the other hand , decided to make it on my own . I don 't need help from him . " He said the word " him " like it was a bug he wished he could step on . Terence rolled down his window and punched in a number at the gate . There was a buzzing noise and the gate slowly rolled back to allow us to enter . My palms were sweating freely now , and I wiped them against my shirt to keep them dry . I didn 't want my first impression to be a clammy handshake . Fortunately , I didn 't have to worry about that . Irma met us at the door and hugged me when Terence introduced us . Her gray - green eyes were warm and her blond hair was tied loosely with a black velvet bow . " My son has told me so much about you , " she said , wrapping an arm about my waist and leading me into a comfortable room lit with candles and art deco lamps . " This is my sitting room , " she explained , offering me a seat on a small sofa . " The room my husband entertains in is too stuffy for me , too masculine . " " They 're wonderful , " I whispered . And they really were . " That one reminds me of the day we met . " I pointed to a spring scene of the river in which flowers bloomed and clouds danced over a fair sky . I returned to the sofa , stopping to admire some photographs on the side table . My heart skipped a beat . It was Will , a much younger Will , but Will nonetheless , in a photo with Terence and Irma . Terence looked to be about seven or eight . They were all laughing . When Terence had told me his last name was Matthews , I had noticed the coincidence , but hadn 't thought twice about it . After all , there are lots of Matthews . Even when Irma had mentioned Will a few minutes earlier it hadn 't clicked . But here it was , a photograph . I was suddenly very thankful that Terence 's father wasn 't going to be here tonight . What was I going to do ? Did I confess to Terence that the man I had left for him was his father ? He interrupted the thoughts that were whirling about my mind . I took a sip and the brandy burned its way to my stomach , igniting a small fire there . It brought me back to my senses . So this was the woman Will had railed against . How dare he ! I knew one thing for sure . Even if I confessed to Terence about Will , his mother could never know . " Thank you , " I smiled , taking another sip . The color was returning to my cheeks . " I guess I just let myself get too worked up about meeting you . " Irma squeezed my hand . " You 're every bit as sweet as Terence said you were . " I looked over at Terence and saw how wonderfully happy he looked . A shiver coursed its way down my spine . Would he still look at me that way after I told him about Will ? Dinner was fabulous , and afterwards we returned to Irma 's study for a nightcap . Terence and I curled up on the love seat , and Irma relaxed in a comfy armchair . We talked about Irma 's and Terence 's art and my past ambitions for writing . Terence even reminisced with his mother about his early childhood . Irma was just pulling out a photo album when there was a loud rap on the door . I think we all jumped . " I happen to live - " The look of shock on Will 's face was obvious as he registered just who was sitting next to his son . Although I was able to keep my face neutral , my heart was pounding like a sledgehammer , and I felt sure that Terence could feel it . I felt him stiffen behind me . I waved goodbye as Terence hustled me into his car . I was dreading the ride home . I felt sure that we were leaving for more reasons than just the fact that his father had shown up unexpectedly . I stepped out of the car and watched as he roared away with a squeal of tires . I felt sick . I 'd given up Will , and now I 'd lost his son . I trudged wearily up to my apartment and cried myself to sleep . She was sympathetic and even offered to call Terence to vouch for me . I thanked her but told her it was something that I was going to have to work out for myself . I wasn 't even surprised when a few minutes later , I received a call from Will . " Wrong , " I told him . " If you want to talk to me , you can meet me in the riverfront park at noon . You 're no longer calling the shots , Will . " I hung up . I was furious . How dare he treat me like I was his mistress ! " Want ? " I pretended to act confused . If he thought I was trying to blackmail him or play out some form of fatal attraction , then he could stew in his own juices for a while . I closed my eyes and took a deep breath . Then I calmly walked over to a bench and sat down . What I really wanted to do was cry . What had I done that these men could think so horribly of me ? I had never asked Will or Terence for anything . I had even made sure that Terence didn 't spend too much money on me by cooking dinner and providing numerous breakfasts and lunches . I had even insisted on paying several times . Terence was a welder , after all , and as far as I knew was low on cash because of the expenses involved in buying the materials for stained glass wasn 't cheap . " It 's obvious to me now , " I concluded , " that you saw me as a low - class , I 'll do - whatever - you - say lay . I 'll admit that I was naïve , that I lack education , and that lack of education has forced me to take what you consider and unimportant job . But it doesn 't make me less than human , Will , and it doesn 't make my motives less than honorable . Remember your roots , Will ? I remember you once told me your daddy was a truck farmer and that you built your way up from that . Does that make you despicable ? I love Terence . I don 't care if he comes from money . He 's a wonderful person , although I doubt you know that . I don 't know what led you to the distance between you two , but I 'm sorry it exists . I just hope I haven 't lost Terence because of all this . " Will stared quietly at the river for ten long minutes before he spoke . " You 're right , " he admitted . " I underestimated you . " Silence , then , " What about Irma ? " " You 're right , " he said . " She does . " But you don 't know the whole story . We have an understanding . Irma and I are best friends , but she lost interest in sex after she lost our second child . She agreed to put up with my philandering as long as I didn 't bring embarrassment to the family name or cause a scandal . I take it that this means you don 't intend to tell her about us ? " " Maybe you should tell him . Maybe he deserves to know all the family secrets . I can understand that you 'd be disappointed in his disinterest in your business . At least , I learned that is one of the reasons for your split . But , really , Will , Terence is a very talented artist . You should be proud . " Will smiled , too . " You have a point , Amanda . Give me a chance to patch things up with Terence . " He stood up . " And maybe it will work out between the two of you . " " I stood up , too , and took Will 's hand . The electricity that had once been there was gone . It was as if my eyes had suddenly opened , and I saw Will clearly for the first time - an older man who worried about his work , his wife , his son - just like any other married man . I wished , for Irma 's sake , that he would stop his philandering , but that part of Will 's life was no longer any of my business . Two days passed , and I still had not heard from Terence . I was beginning to worry that Will had reneged on his promise to make up with his son . I was curled up on my sofa on Thursday evening reading a book when there was a knock at the door . It was Terence . He looked defensive but ready to make up . I let him in . I returned to the sofa and he joined me . I waited for him to speak . " My father came to see me , " he started . I nodded warily . " And he told me about Mom losing her daughter a year after I was born , about their agreement , even about you . " I blushed . After all , I had enjoyed a relationship with his father . It would be hard to reconcile that even if they had a great relationship all this time , but I knew it had to be especially painful when he had hated his father for so long . We held each other forever , it seemed . And then we talked . There was a lot to work out . I had to assure him that I no longer felt anything for his father . He had to assure me that he no longer held any animosity toward me because of that relationship . We both agreed that it was something that his mother need never know about . We were married the next spring down by the river . I carried daffodils , and an assortment of other spring flowers . And , while Christie wept into my bouquet , Will proudly stood up as his son 's best man . It was a small wedding with only our closest friends and family in attendance . Terence is working full - time on stained glass now . With a little help from his father 's connections , he has more than enough stained glass orders to keep him busy . As for me , I 'm taking care of our daughter , Lilly . Her grandparents dote on her , and why not , she 's perfect . Lilly 's grandmother takes her twice a week so that I have time to write - at least , I 'm giving it a try . Who knows , maybe that dream will come true , as well . TagsFiction , Short Story I have a confession to make : After Menasha Ridge Press published our first book - The Appalachian Trail Backpacker 's Planning Guide ( yes , that 's quite a mouthful ) - and before we finally had a dozen or so books to our names through a few different publishers , we did just about anything we could to bring in the freelance money . This included photography , map - making , book design and editing , writing articles for magazines , and even - yes , I 'll admit it - writing stories for magazines the likes of True Confessions and True Love . . . . Just a little bit conflicted about these being my first nationally published fiction . I sold my first story in 1992 to True Confessions . Although I had changed the names to protect the innocent ( okay , the story was completely fabricated to begin with ) , the magazine changed them yet again when they published it . You just can 't be too safe . It was with only a touch of self - consciousness that I stood naked in front of the mirror and carefully examined my body . It needed to be perfect tonight - legs smoothly shaved and silky , stomach muscles taut . . . . Perfect , I thought - at least , as perfect as my body will ever be . I pulled on the translucent panties , making sure the ribbons on each hip would loosen with a gentle tug . I didn 't want my dance to turn into a fiasco as I wrestled with knots . I slipped the negligee over my head and double - checked the ribbons that would allow me to remove the garment in an enticing manner . Then I began the dance I had been practicing for two weeks . Soon he would be watching . The first time I laid eyes on Dan Cafferty , my legs nearly gave way . I was dancing with my steady at the time , Mitchell Gardner , when I happened to turn my head . A pair of watching eyes seared me to the core . " Who is that guy ? " I wanted to know . I pointed out a well - muscled back . His hair tickled the collar of his shirt ; a friendly arm was slung around the shoulders of Veronica 's boyfriend , Daryl . Mitchell and I drifted apart over the summer . I found a job working as a bank teller and found I enjoyed it so much , I was disinclined to return to school . Mitchell was busy preparing to go off to college on the West Coast , and , quite honestly , ever since I 'd met Dan Cafferty , I had a hard time thinking about anything else . My job was my only relief , keeping me so busy , I had little time to think . Three days before school started , Dan entered the bank . My stomach nearly dropped all the way to China when our eyes met . Smiling , he walked over to my window . He took me to the local diner , and we talked about ourselves over hamburgers and sodas . It turned out we had a lot in common . We both loved the movies , especially comedies , and dancing . We also discovered that we both loved animals , and he quickly made a date for the following weekend to take me to the zoo . I thought that first week of school would never end . Fortunately , there wasn 't much homework yet and I was able to slide by , but I knew that if I wanted to graduate in the spring , I was going to have to buckle down and get my classwork done . If I didn 't graduate from high school , there was little chance of moving up in the bank . Saturday dawned sunny and beautiful . The sky was a brilliant blue , and it felt like my heart was trying to fly up to the clouds . When Dan arrived to pick me up , he thrust a bouquet of wildflowers into my hands as soon as I opened the door . I couldn 't stop blushing because I kept remembering the touch of his lips on mine when he 'd chastely kissed me goodnight the previous weekend . I wanted more , and I found that my daydreaming was beginning to disrupt my bank work as well as my schoolwork . I enjoyed every minute of the hour - plus drive to the zoo . I had packed a picnic lunch - fried chicken , potato salad , and cookies - and we ate it beneath a large oak in a park beside the zoo . Once in the zoo , we spent hours with the big cats . Since it was a beautiful day , they were outside their cages , pacing back and forth . I had a hard time no comparing their muscular bodies to Dan 's . He 'd been working with a paint crew all summer and was as tawny and muscled as a lion . I longed to run my hands over his strong back . I 'd never felt this way about a guy before . For the first time in my life I knew what raw sexual attraction felt like . But not only did I want him physically , I also enjoyed our conversations and the way he made me feel like an adult . My parents still treated me like a child instead of the seventeen - year - old that I was . When we finally left the zoo and climbed back into his car , I was already dreading his leaving me at my doorstep . But instead of making the turn toward my subdivision , Dan continued straight toward the river . There , as the sun began to set , Dan roughly pulled me to him and said , " I 've been waiting to do this all day . " His kiss was gentle but I could feel the passion beneath it . It took every ounce of strength I had not to lose control and let my feelings take me where they so desperately wanted to go . This was only our second date , and I didn 't want him to think that I was that type of girl . I was still a virgin , and I decided it would be better for me if I waited . Dan didn 't push me . As soon as he felt me stiffen against and untoward caress , he began to back off . As the year progressed , we began seeing more and more of each other . I was only able to hang on two months before I succumbed to what my body had been wanting since I 'd first spotted Dan on the dance floor . It was wonderful , and Dan was gentle , making me feel things I didn 't know were possible . In December , Dan got down on bended knee and asked me to marry him . We began planning our June wedding . It would be small , with one attendant each . We decided to hold our reception in my parents ' backyard . A weekend alone in the city would suffice for a honeymoon , for we had more important things to spend our money on . The one thing both of us were sure of was that we didn 't want children until Dan could afford to keep me at home . It had always been my dream to have my own home and several children and to raise them myself until they went off to school . I had already been putting money aside from my job at the bank , and I continued to do so with more fervor . Dan began working overtime with the paint crew a couple of days a week so that we 'd have money for a down payment on a house . A month before we were married , we found the perfect starter home in a quiet residential area . It was old , but I fell in love with the huge oaks that shaded the front and backyards . There were three small bedrooms - perfect for us to have two children ! I couldn 't help but start planning how I 'd decorate for my future children . By July we had already settled into the routine of married life . Just being able to spend the entire night with Dan made me deliriously happy . I 'd wake up in the morning when he got out of bed for his shower and dash into the kitchen to get the coffee going and pack his lunch . As soon as he left for work , I got ready for my teller job . Except for the two nights a week he was still working overtime , I always had dinner ready for Dan when he got home . Weekends and the other three nights a week , we threw ourselves into fixing up our house . We painted it ourselves , a very pale yellow with white trim . I cringed when Dan balanced precariously on the ladder to reach the high spots . We 'd only been married about six months when the recession started to affect the building market . An entire crew was laid off , and the crew Dan was on was forced to cover for them . Although it wasn 't double the work , Dan began working more and more overtime . At first it wasn 't too hard to handle , but as the months wore on , he began feeling the stress . He went to work in the dark and came home in the dark , and the wonderful life we 'd been building for ourselves began to fall apart . Renovations to our home stopped entirely . I ate dinners by myself , and since I hated to eat alone , I began to lose weight . But arriving home from work to the prospect of another lonely evening in front of the television left me feeling cold and empty , and I quickly lost my appetite . I even stopped cooking myself meals , preferring instead to throw a frozen dinner into the microwave . As Dan 's days got longer and longer , I began crying myself to sleep . So I was forced to sit back and watch Dan work himself to death . We rarely spoke anymore . He 'd leave in the morning before the coffee had sufficiently opened my eyes much less loosened my vocal cords , and he would get home well after I 'd gone to sleep . I 'd often find him in the morning , stiff , upright , and sound asleep in his favorite armchair , the television 's volume turned down low so it wouldn 't wake me . It was getting to where I couldn 't remember the last time we 'd make love . And , after almost a year of marriage , I still felt the same passion for him that I had the day we met . Hard days and late nights had left Dan too tired to feel inclined toward sex or even conversation . He spoke to me mostly in grunts and yawns , and I was beginning to feel like he was blaming all this on my desire to stay at home and have children even though he knew I was willing to wait . The strain was getting to be too much for both of us . I missed our conversations and cozy dinners . Even though it was still too cold , I missed the evenings we 'd spent on our porch swing . I would have gladly bundled up and even faced a blizzard just to spend one quiet evening rocking in his arms . But mostly I was getting desperate for affection - a warm kiss on the cheek and a hug would have sufficed , although what I really longed for was the intimacy and passion we 'd shared in bed . I wracked my brain for a solution , and that 's when the idea of a striptease occurred to me . Maybe I could entice Dan back into our bed with a provocative dance . I set to work that very night . For the next two weeks I experimented with music and slowly put together a routine I felt sure would make Dan 's blood boil . For several nights , I studied music videos just to get some ideas for some tantalizing moves . Then I began putting things together . I 'm not sure if I just wasn 't thinking or of maybe subconsciously I wanted it that way , but I left the blinds open in our bedroom when I practiced . Our bedroom window faced the house next door , not the street , and I had never seen a light on in the room opposite . I was pretty sure no one could see me . And if they could - well , I had to admit the idea was kind of exciting . Finally , I felt as if my dance could not get any better , and I took off early from work on Friday so I would have time to prepare . I wanted everything to be perfect . I didn 't want anything - an unwashed dish , unvacuumed carpet , unmade bed - to spoil the mood . After a relaxing bubble bath , I rubbed a scented lotion all over my body and accented my already thick lashes with a bit of mascara . A touch of lipstick was all I needed to complete the effect - Dan didn 't like lots of makeup . I brushed my hair until it shone and tossed my head to make sure my hair would swing right while I was dancing . It fell like a curtain around my face . I smiled at the impression - perfect ! Tonight was the night . Dan wasn 't due home until well past ten , but for the first time in weeks he wouldn 't have to work the weekend . If I couldn 't seduce him tonight , I felt there was no hope for our marriage . It wasn 't like I hadn 't already tried . Wandering around naked hadn 't even produced a lifted eyebrow or a longing sigh . He wasn 't interested in me or my body . But how long could I go without the affection of the man I loved ? We hadn 't even been married a year . I was beginning to wonder if we 'd ever live a normal existence again . Surely marriages weren 't supposed to lose their flame this quickly . I stood in front of the mirror to inspect my body . Perfect . The recently lost weight had left my stomach flatter than it had been in years - even my breasts , which tended toward fat , had lost a cup size , making them perkier than usual . I had reached the part of my dance where I was wearing nothing but my translucent panties when I saw movement out of the corner of my eye . I froze , arms crossed protectively across my chest . The movement had come from the window . My eyes locked on another pair staring forthrightly through the open blinds . I screamed . I ran straight to the phone and called the police before returning to my bedroom and quickly pulling on a thick terry cloth robe . By the time the police arrived , I was shaking and in tears . I 'd been stripping for two weeks . How long have I been watched ? I kept asking myself . How long ? Seeing the open blinds , they suggested that I close them at night . With a light on in the room , they explained , it was easy for people to see in from the outside and difficult for me to see out . They also told me it was doubtful that the peeping Tom would be caught , although it was very likely he was someone from my own neighborhood . How my cheeks burned ! How could I have been so foolish ? And then Dan burst into the house , terror causing his eyes to blaze . He had arrived home to find the squad car in our driveway . I had lots of explaining to do . Dan was very understanding . Over champagne I told him everything : How I thought he was no longer interested in me sexually . How I missed our talks , our lovemaking , our just being together . Finally I explained about the idea of a striptease , how I had been preparing for this night for the past two weeks . Tears slid slowly down my cheeks as I confessed that I hadn 't even bothered to shut the blinds , almost daring our neighbors to spy on me . Dan was firm in admonishing me for my carelessness but was intrigued by the idea of my dance . With the champagne working , it didn 't take long for him to convince me to perform for him . Making sure the blinds were tightly closed , I turned off the lights and lit the two candles . I rewound the tape and once again pressed the Play button . . . . I often wonder if the dance would have worked if Dan hadn 't known the whole story . Unprepared and tired , he might have found it silly . But having shared my fears and desires with him , it had an especially magic effect . The next morning as we snuggled in bed , Dan informed me he would only have to work another couple of weeks overtime before a second crew would be hired . Renovations at the hospital would require extra workers , And , best of all , Dan said , he was being promoted . He was going to be in charge of the hospital crew . More than a year has passed since that awful time in our lives , and not all of it has been easy . Every time Dan calls and says he has to work overtime , I cringe . But I try to be understanding . As foreman he has a lot more responsibility , and I truly believe that it will never again get as bad as it was . Besides , when Dan isn 't here , I no longer have to eat alone , nor must I avoid the porch swing . I enjoy sharing it with our infant daughter , Patty . The creaking and movement gently rock her to sleep , and to me there is nothing more precious than the weight of her tiny head upon my shoulder . Veronica Patricia Cafferty is the light of our lives , born this past spring just as the daffodils began to bloom . I immediately began talking about all the children we were going to have - I was so in love with Patty , I wanted a half dozen more - when Dan 's eyes took on a serious look . There was going to have to be a compromise , he said . Last fall , when we discovered that I was truly pregnant , we celebrated by going to the zoo . A sonogram in December informed us that we were going to have a little girl , and we set to work decorating her room . It 's a sunny little place just perfect for Patty 's sunny disposition . Just to bring in a little extra money , and to keep my insurance , I continued to work at the bank up until Patty was born . But now , staying at home all day and caring for my daughter and husband , I find that I 've never been happier . And , although we occasionally have our ups and downs , I think Dan and I have learned that it 's never too late to talk . Anastasie stared forlornly out of the window of the café , watching as the wind caught the leaves and scattered them along the bricks of the street . She pressed her hand to her heart , biting her lip in an effort to quell the tears that threatened to fill her eyes . Ana felt as nearly dry and scattered as the leaves . She was only eight . She thrust out her lower lip in a pout and turned angrily to stare out the window again . While she waited for her father to pay the bill , she mouthed the word , café , which was written backwards ( at least from inside the small restaurant it was backwards ) on the window . She smiled , slightly , proud that she could read the word backwards . Of course , it was a French word , which made it a little easier . The first word backwards was a little more difficult . " Abercorn , " she whispered . She shook her head , and thought it instead . Abercorn . Abercorn Café . She was terribly bored . And she had nothing to look forward to once they walked back to the apartment they were renting in the big old house . It was the middle of February in 1919 and quite cold . She wouldn 't be able to play outside . Not that she had any friends with which to play . Her brother , Rémy ( though her parents called him by his first name , Claude ) , had died in July of 1918 on the Marne . It was his death that had prompted the move to Savannah . Too many bad memories in France . She missed him so much that at times she felt sure her heart would burst . Other times she felt so hollow that she was sure she must be nothing but an empty shell just like one of those bugs she had found attached to a tree in Forsyth Park . A cicada her mother had called it . Claude Rémy Flaneur had been ten years older ( she , apparently , had been quite unexpected ) and had doted on her ferociously . She longed to hear his voice one more time . He had called her " Tasie , " and she hadn 't allowed anyone else to do so . And so she had called him Rémy in order to have her own special name for him . They always said it was impossible , but their reasons never sounded plausible to her . It was early April and the air had warmed considerably . She now enjoyed daily walks in the park and particularly enjoyed the fountain , which reminded her of the one in the Place de la Concorde in Paris . At the moment , though , her mother was plaiting her hair in preparation for bedtime . She was already in her nightgown , but was dreading the next step in her nightly routine . She would have to sit on the couch with her mother and read to her from a book written in English . And it was exceedingly difficult . She was sure she would be much more adept at the language if she had friends with which to practice . " If I had a dog , " she told her mother , " I would promise to speak only English to him . " Her mother frowned and held out the book - Old Mother West Wind . She enjoyed the animal stories but it felt as if her mother did most of the reading . The end of May . It was now so warm that they had to keep the doors that opened onto their second floor porch open all the time . Fortunately , they had screen doors to keep the bugs out . These enchanted Anastasie . They had not had the like in France . The only problem was that living room door kept wanting to shut , so they had to use a brick to keep it open . Ana was staring out the door when her mother entered the room . She was bored once again . If she had a pet , she thought for perhaps the millionth time , she could take it for walks in the park . " It is a door stop . Is it not adorable ? " She said " adorable " the French way , and Ana had to stop herself from chiding her . After all , her mother constantly picked on her about her use of French words . Ana knelt down beside it and appraised it , " He has not been well cared for , has he Mother ? " The poor creature was pitted here and there with rust and she thought he looked a little sad . Yes , a little sad just like her . He looked as if he had spent quite a bit of time outdoors . " That is probably why I was able to get him for such a reasonable price . " She nodded her head . " Yes , much better than a brick , " she said with satisfaction before returning to the kitchen to prepare their lunch . They had definitely come down in the world , Ana mused . In Paris , her mother would have gone to the kitchen only to see how the cook was progressing in her preparations for meals . She had heard her parents talking , though , and knew they hoped her father would soon be promoted , and that eventually they would be able to buy their own home again . Ana would have loved to live in one of the beautiful homes around Forsyth Park , but knew they had been talking about the possibilities in someplace called Ardsley Park . Which , perhaps , meant there was a park there as well . And , if they had their own home then maybe she could finally get a dog . She sighed , caressing the ears of the little iron dog . She knew that was probably a very long time away . And the little doorstop was the closest thing she would have for a pet until then . She looked at it again . The way its head was cocked reminded her of the way Rémy used to look at her when he was teasing her , which was most of the time . Ana smiled and her big brown eyes began to glow as an idea occurred to her . " Rémy , " she whispered , the tip of her finger tapping its tiny nose , which was cool like a real dog 's would be . She would call it Rémy . But Rémy always had time for her . He was incredibly patient . He would sit and listen as she poured out her frustrations , read to him from the English books , told him of her dreams for the future . She still wanted a real dog , but decided not to tell him for fear he would get jealous . Her mother studied the doorstop for a moment . It was true that the tilt of the dog 's head was reminiscent of one of Claude 's expressions . Finally , she sighed , and said , " Yes , I can see that . But please do not call him that around your father . It would upset him greatly . " " Yes , mother , " she said , relieved . If her mother had told her she could never speak to Rémy again , she might have despaired . She had grown quite attached to him . Ana stared in consternation at the mess on the floor before looking up at her mother and shaking her head . Her first thought was Rémy , but of course that was impossible . He was sitting , as always , iron body planted firmly against the door to the porch preventing it from shutting out what little breeze they could get in the sultry Georgia heat . But , she hadn 't done it . Why would she rip up the newspaper ? " I promise , Mother , I did not do this , " she said , but she knew it was in vain . There was no one else to blame . Tears welled in her eyes again . She shook her head . She knew she hadn 't done it , but how could she possibly make them believe her . Instead , they would think she was just lying . She honestly didn 't know what to say , so she just continued to shake her head as the tears burned their way down her cheeks . Ana regarded her father 's slippers in dismay . She realized that it was entirely possible that she could have ripped the newspaper to shreds , but she wasn 't even close to being capable of chewing up her father 's slippers . Her teeth just weren 't sharp enough . She marched over to Rémy , shaking with anger . " Bad ! " she reprimanded him . " Bad , bad dog . Why have you done this ? I am the one who will be blamed for this . " " Who are you yelling at ? " her mother asked , rushing into the room . " Ana ! " she gasped , horrified . Had her child really chewed her father 's slippers ? It didn 't seem possible . " Maman , " Ana said , baring her teeth , which revealed several incisors in varying stages of eruption . And , she still had her baby canines . " It is not even possible . " Her mother swallowed , hard . Ana was right . It was not even possible . Only a dog could have ripped apart the slippers . " Je ne comprende pas , " she whispered . " What is happening , Maman ? " What she found terrifying was the coincidence that this was just the type of prank her brother used to play on her . He would do something that he knew she would get blamed for , but always at the last moment , he would laugh and tell his parents that he was the responsible party . And , he would always get away with it because he was his father 's beloved Claude , and it was just a joke , and so on and so forth . She felt the goose bumps prickle her arms . But it cannot be my brother , she thought , because Rémy had died a year ago . She had insisted that she attend the funeral , had watched as they lowered his casket into the ground . And as the earth thumped against the coffin , she realized that he was irrevocably gone and the tears had poured down her face in a salty cascade , and her heart felt as if had been ripped from her chest . Yes , he was gone forever . She had reminded herself of that repeatedly during the past year . Nevertheless , and once again , she was wracked with sobs as she remembered her loss . |
In our house everyone always referred to my Dad as Father . Even the Mothers called him Father , at least when us children were around . So it was natural that as a small child of about three years old I thought Father was actually his name . One night as I lay in bed my brother Marcus was in the same room with me . " Want to know a secret ? " he asked me . " Ivan , I said the word over to myself and suddenly had recollections of hearing people call him that . I knew Marcus must be telling me the truth . I felt betrayed . My parents had lied to me and told me that his name was Father . That is one of my earliest recollections about my dad . I vaguely remember him taking me and my sister Liz to the park next door to our house . I remember having his 50th birthday party and how excited I was for that . I remember him always whistling as he came through the back door after work . I remember him finishing his breakfast in the morning and taking off the bib that he always wore when he ate folding it up and crossing the ties on top . Then he would settle his hat on his head and do a big wave and say see you later alligator ! Then he would do a little jig as he walked down through the long kitchen to the back door in the playroom . My dad rarely if ever spoke of his feelings for us . I don 't think I ever heard him say I love you until just recently . But we all knew . I think every one of us knew without question that he loved us . He was my hero and was and still is in my eyes pretty near perfect . One of my friends , after meeting him , described him as a mix between an apostle and Santa Claus . One day I was getting ready to go to Japan . In the weeks leading up to my departure it had seemed to me that every time I saw my dad he had something mean to say to me . " Isn 't it almost time that we get to get rid of you ? " He would say to me at dinner time . It hurt my feelings . One day I realized that it was only his way of covering up his tender feelings of love for me and his having a hard time letting me go so far away . I went to the family room where he was sitting in his chair . I sat on the arm of the chair and put my arm around his shoulders . " I 'm sure glad that I understand when you say things like that to me that it 's just your way of saying you love me . Otherwise I might get my feelings hurt . " He was quiet for a minute but I saw tears brimming in his eyes . " Yep " , he finally said " its a good thing you know that . " I remember one day I was throwing a fit of some kind and mother had about had it with me . She took me to Father . " I know exactly what she needs " he said , " she needs a little sugar to sweeten her up . " And he pulled a box of ding dongs from the closet and gave me one . then he let me climb up on the bed next to him and cuddle while we watched tv . I think my dad always knew that if he showed me he trusted me my guilty conscience wouldn 't allow me to disappoint him . I loved him so much that the thought of disappointing him was worse than any punishment I could be given . I was never a touchy feely kind of person . I didnt like hugs except from my dad and because he was the only person that I would accept hugs from I wanted them all the time . He would always ask me how I was doing on getting my quota of hugs for the day . One day I was about 20 years old I was working in the kitchen when my dad came to me . He put one arm on each shoulder and looked me right in the eyes so that he had my full attention . " One day I 'm going to die , " he told me . I started to protest but he cut me off . " You will come to my funeral and see me all laid out in the casket in my white clothes . " He walked me through the whole funeral finally he said , " when you are standing at my grave side I want you to wait and when everyone has gone I will be there and I will give you a hug . " Thats my dad . I love him with everything in me . He is my rock . As I grew up and I made choices different than what he would have wanted me to make I have worried that I would disappoint him . One day we were riding in the car . He had had a stroke and the doctor had told us that he could go at any time . we were driving and he told me " Im glad that we get to spend some time together , I know ive never said it much but I wanted to make sure that you knew that I love you . " He knew exactly what I was talking about . Vilate , he said , You decided to be a Mormon , so just be the best Mormon you can be and I will never be disappointed in you . AS my dad 's health continued to decline I worried that he would never see me get married , never get to meet my children . But he has continued to hang on , continued to pull out of each stroke that he has had . When he came in the room just an hour or two after my baby was born and held him I thought my heart would burst . When he knocked on my bedroom door later that night because he wanted to tell us goodnight I was touched at his sweet affection for us . I smiled when he held Preston in his arms and called him puddin head . It had been awhile since I had heard him call anyone that . I know that one day my dad will leave this life , and leave me behind . But until that day I will enjoy every minute I have with him . I will tell him how much I love him , I will enjoy watching my baby play with him and I will know that when he goes he isn 't very far away . I love you Father ! You know when people post those sappy I have the best husband in the world comments on Facebook ? yeah this is going to be one of those . So if that 's not really your thing feel free to pass this one by . Last night my husband said some pretty sweet things to me and I wanted to save it somewhere . Since I haven 't really kept a journal anywhere since I started this blog I decided that I want to save that here , share it with any who care to read and also , I know that there are a number of people who have questioned why after only knowing him such a short time I was willing to change my life so dramatically and marry Joseph . This should answer that question . Last night as Joseph and I were skyping he saw a picture of one of my friends on Facebook . " You are prettier than she is " he admitted to me . I laughed , " well since I am your wife I 'm sure glad you think so I told him " " I would ask myself , would she be as patient as you have been ? Would she be as willing to be a mother ? Would she be as supportive of me in my work , my callings , and my dreams ? Would she be as good at planning and at conversation as you are ? Would she love me and sacrifice for me the way you have . Would she love the Lord as purely as you do ? and the answer would always be No . " Communication is sometimes difficult . Cultural and language differences do play a part . Like the time I showed him an adorable little shirt that my sister bought for baby Preston . It said " Chicks dig Chubby Dudes " He didn 't even crack a smile . Don 't you think its cute ? I asked , Joseph and I don 't have a perfect marriage . Before I got married I knew that married couples argued but I couldn 't imagine what there would ever be that I would argue with my husband over . I looked forward to finding out . And boy did I find out ! I was surprised at how easy it is to get your feelings hurt when you love someone like you love a husband . I was surprised at how angry I would get over somewhat little things , how sometimes , I would be angry at him just because he wouldn 't get angry back ! It was hard for him to adjust to married life , to not being able to just do what he wanted when he wanted . There were times when I cooked dinner and waited in our empty house alone for hours while the dinner got cold and he didn 't show up . It was hard for me to adjust to someone else having an opinion that mattered , especially when that opinion differed from mine . Marriage is NOT easy . But I always remembered the answer to that question . It was because I KNEW that Joseph was a good man , who loved the Lord , who was always willing to change , who knew how to say I 'm sorry , who was honest with me even when I wasn 't going to like it . I knew I could count on him to lead our family , I knew his devotion to me , to the gospel , and to our marriage was unshakable , I knew that he had similar ideals and standards that I did . I also knew that his dreams , his plans , and his path in life paralleled mine and that we would be better walking that path together than apart . When I knew that Joseph loved me , I felt that if we married I would be marrying up . I would be marrying someone where I would be getting the better part of the deal . And the best part was that I knew he knew the worst things about me and that in spite of them he felt the same of me . I knew he felt that he was the one actually getting the better part of the bargain . I 've been feeling sorry for myself lately . Feeling sorry about all the things that I DON " T have . For years now I have been watching my friends and seeing all the things , and opportunities that they have and feeling bad that I haven 't had the same . I had one room - mate who got to participate in all kinds of sports and extra activities throughout college and high school . I did high school alone in my bedroom without even a teacher . Even in college I was supporting myself , working , and couldn 't afford to do anything except just what I needed to do to graduate . I had another room - mate whose parents paid to put her through all of her schooling including graduate school so that she could just focus on classes and grades . She had time to cook meals , sit at home and read books just for fun , and had a nice relaxing schedule with out the stress of worrying about how she was going to make the rent or her car payment . She had money for nice clothes and all the extras . I wished I had , had that . But I had to accept that my past was different from theirs . My family was different from theirs . And it was ok because I had things they didn 't have . I knew my way around a kitchen because I had done so much cooking when I lived at home . I knew what if felt like to have dozens of brothers and sisters that I would do just about anything for . I had experiences and memories that were different from theirs but no less meaningful . In fact I wouldn 't have traded them for the world . One by one I watched my friends get married . They each had the beautiful wedding dresses , were married in the temple , were greeted by cheering family and friends when they came out . They had beautiful receptions and romantic honeymoons . And I thought that one day I would have all of that too . I imagined myself marrying a handsome , return missionary , with a degree , and a good job . I imagined settling into our own home and starting a family . I imagined Sunday dinner with the in - laws who would probably get on my nerves by being a little too involved in our lives . I imagined coming out of our bathroom one morning and announcing to my husband that we were expecting a baby and seeing the surprise and joy on his face . And it didn 't seem too far out there . Then I fell in love and got married . I got married in Uganda . No one in my family was present and none of my friends were there . We were married in a chapel instead of the temple because that is the way it is done in Uganda . The wedding , the reception , everything was beautiful and I was so happy but it was nothing like I had imagined . After the wedding we went back to Joseph 's apartment and he went back to work . There was no honeymoon , in fact in that first week it seemed I rarely saw him before 9 pm . Next thing I knew I was squatting in a dark dingy outhouse trying to pee into a tiny dirty cup while keeping a terrified eye on the many cockroaches by the light that the small crack in the door afforded . I prayed the test would be negative . Not because I didn 't want to be pregnant but because I didn 't want to find out in this way . " Hey ! " the doc shouted from the other room . " Do you guys want to know the results of the test ? " Joseph and I stood by expectantly . " It 's negative , there is nothing there . " the doctor said callously . " Now where is my money ? " I watched my friends with their husbands and it didn 't seem fair . As the pregnancy progressed and I heard the heart beat , saw the ultra sound all with out Joseph , I felt sorry for myself . When I continued to get bigger and the weeks went by one at a time and I realized that Joseph was going to miss all of it . I wanted to cry . When we passed our six month anniversary I felt cheated . I wanted to spend my first year of marriage with my husband . I wanted him to get to experience all these things with me and I wanted time with him before our baby was born . I see my pregnant friends resting and focusing on taking care of themselves and their babies , and I am doing 13 credits of school and working trying to support myself , prepare for our baby , pay visa fees , and plan for our future on my own . But today I don 't feel any of those things . I realized today that all those things are hard because I am comparing my circumstances to others . I am looking at what other people have and assuming that somehow I deserve the same things . I realized that it 's all part of a package . I can 't demand all the same things my friends had growing up without giving up my own upbringing . And I wouldn 't trade them for the world . All the financial support and extra curricular activities in the world would never match up to what my family gave me . The path I am walking now with Joseph comes as a package as well . Our experiences in Uganda , the sweet love letters that my husband and I write to each other on a regular basis , the strength and experience we have gained from this separation , everything about our marriage and our lives together is ours . It all comes together , the good with the bad . And when you stop looking at others and thinking about what SHOULD be . You can start to see the beauty of what IS . So when I do see my husband again , and have the opportunity to place our first - born child in his arms , I will know that this is OUR experience and that THIS is how it SHOULD be . I love America , I always have . I love everything that it stands for . I love the stories of bravery and incredible integrity of those men and women who made America something to be proud of . I love the stories of courage and sacrifice from men and women who understood what it meant to be free both in terms of rights as well as responsibilities . I loved the stories of people who believed that they could stand up against tyranny and succeed . Even when that tyranny came from their own king and country . Then I volunteered to spend three months in Uganda , working to help bring jobs , education and better living conditions to single women there and I started to see . I started to gain a deeper understanding of what my country stands for and what those rights means . Mostly I gained an understanding for how important the system is that keeps these rights in check , the systems of law and order that made my world a safe , mostly predictable place to live . When during that time in Uganda I met and married a Ugandan man , my world changed and my understanding changed with it . Gaining a better understanding of the protections and the rights that I had as US Citizen , seeing by contrast what his were in his own country scared me . When I returned back to the United States I sobbed when my feet finally touched the ground and I felt a certain peace and security that I had always taken for granted . There is security in knowing that there are laws and rights and resources to go to when laws are broken or questioned . I 've always felt protected by the system . We knew when we married that it wouldn 't be easy to get a visa for Joseph . We knew it would probably mean being separated for a time . We did everything we knew to prepare for that and to make it as simple as possible . We crossed every T and dotted every I . I learned more about the immigration laws and system than I ever thought was possible . We were prepared to follow the path , and work through the red tape . We were prepared to utilize every resource at our disposal but we knew that in the end it would be hard . We looked forward with a sigh of sadness and with great excitement to the day that Joseph would leave his own beloved country and become a citizen of the United States . In his words he would be stars and stripes all the way . When we applied to the United States Embassy in Kampala for a visitors visa so that Joseph could be with me when our baby is born , we were hopeful . The law says that since we had a pending spouse visa it wold be assumed that Joseph intended to stay in the US . That was understandable . Who wouldn 't want to stay with their wife and new - born baby . We were informed that it would be up to us to prove during an interview that he intended to return . This could be proved by providing documentation showing strong ties to Uganda . Things like family , work , owning property etc . could be used as proof that he would return . We went to work gathering documents , showing that Joseph owns a business in Uganda , in fact he had just renewed his business license for another year , we gathered documents showing that he was the president of a non - profit organization that provides help for the disabled , we had documents showing that he was contracted to do work for a company for two months following his return to Uganda , he had a speaking engagement scheduled for after his return , he had exams and a letter from a dean at the University stating as much , vouching for his character and recommending that Joseph be given a visa . His entire family is still in Uganda . We were hopeful because we had all the evidence that one could ask for . I sent a letter of invitation and bank statements showing that we could support him while he was here , and just to be sure my parents sent the same as well . Joseph paid the $ 160 fee ( this amount could easily have paid three months rent for us in Uganda ) and excitedly boarded a taxi for the three - hour journey to Kampala to the embassy for his appointment . This visitors visa would give us a chance to spend 90 days together at the time when I would need him most , it would give him a chance to be there when his first - born child , enters this world . It would allow him to hold his new - born son before he is already walking . The letter denying him the chance to visit had been drafted before he even arrived . You were unable to provide sufficient evidence that you intend to return to Uganda at the end of your visit … was the reason he was given . He protested that he wasn 't given a chance to prove it and was sternly told to leave the embassy NOW ! He was told that there could be no appeal , but that he was welcome to reapply if he wanted , he could pay the fee again and see if they would treat him fairly the next time . As he left the woman 's office he encountered another man in the waiting room ready to fight because he too had been denied a chance to visit his wife who was delivering their child in a months time . He talked to him , calming him down and explaining that fighting would get him nothing . And they left the embassy . Joseph 's first interaction with the United States government shook his faith in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave . He had always seen America as an example to be followed . Democracy , liberty and Freedom as something to aspire to . Now he saw them as predators , stealing from innocent Ugandan civilians their hard - earned money and their hope . He saw them as a land without concern for right or laws . So , now we wait . we contemplate leaving America to find another country that will allow our little family to be together while we wait for the slow wheels of bureaucracy to turn in our favor . I console myself by knowing that I am not alone in this . How many soldiers wives , give birth alone , in the early days of our church how many missionaries left their wives pregnant and sick to go on missions only to return to a two - year old child and a wife stronger for having had to do so much on her own . I tell myself these things and yet those women can also tell themselves that their husbands are doing it for a cause . For freedom , for liberty of our country and others , for the eternal welfare of a soul . I get to do it because someone had a bad day , or decided that they didn 't want to do an actual interview , and no one thought it was worth doing anything about . So when I am tired and sick , lying in bed alone aching for someone to rub my feet or help me up to go to the bathroom yet again , when I am lying in that bed holding my first child , my newborn son in my arms and marveling at the beauty of it all and the miracle of life I can console myself in the fact that my husband is 9000 miles away because someone didn 't want to take time to look at some papers and it will make me feel so much better . In fact if anything I love her more . Because I see how fragile America is and how quickly all that was fought for can be lost . And I will pray that God WILL Bless America because she is my home that I love and she needs all the prayers she can get . When I decided to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - day Saints . It was a long hard year making that decision . On the day of my baptism as the meeting ended , I stood at the bottom of the stairs in the chapel , my hair still wet from the font and I shook hands with one of the most influential people in my life . " Well , I did it . It 's over I said . " Brother B looked at me with something in his eyes , I saw happiness , I saw that he was proud of me , I saw support and tenderness , and I could swear I saw a glint of humor . Was he laughing at my stupidity ? Smiling at my naivete , or just smirking with the knowledge that he knew something that I didn 't ? I planned my whole wedding down to the tiniest detail when I was about 10 years old . Sure my opinions and desires changed over the years , but I kept it updated I was prepared at any given moment to put on the wedding of my dreams in about two weeks flat . I had everything primed and ready , like dominoes all set so that when the time came all I would have to do is push that first one and things would fly into motion . That wasn 't because I wanted to plan my wedding in two weeks . It was just because I was so excited for it that I couldn 't help but do everything to prepare that could possibly be done before you 've actually met the man of your dreams . That and that I 'm a planner . I just enjoy the whole process . So when Joseph and I decided to change our plans and get married before I left Uganda , I felt I was up for the challenge . It actually meant that I would be planning the wedding in two weeks , but I was ready . Since the wedding would be taking place in Uganda it meant some minor ( cough , cough sputter ) changes to my plans but nothing I wasn 't prepared to handle . What I wasn 't prepared for was Joseph 's family . they had ideas , they had traditions , and they had culture that COULDN ' T be messed with . Normally I am the kind of person that when I am told that I " shouldn 't or can 't " do something … well thats the first thing I am going to attempt to do . And I usually succeed … or fail depending on how you look at it . We had tents set up in Uncle 's yard , there were tables and chairs with embroidered cloths , there were ribbons and decorations . There was food prepared , and the word was spread . Literally before I hardly knew what had happened the whole thing was planned . As the plans progressed Joseph begged me to be sure . He sensed my hesitation and fear at the step we were about to take . " Vilate , he told me one day , my family is starting to travel in from all over Uganda to be here for our wedding in just a few days , if you are going to change your mind , please do it now . " I didn 't know what to say , I felt good about progressing I felt good about the steps we were taking , I knew I loved Joseph , but I still didn 't " know " that it was the right thing for me . We met with the new Mission President and begged for counsel . " The only person who can answer your questions is the Lord , " President Chatfield told us . You need to take it to him and that 's all I can tell you . He left and Joseph and I knelt , he took both of my hands in his and we prayed . As we did , I felt like a little girl again , listening to the deepening tones of my dad 's reverent voice as he prayed . I felt so loved and protected and like I could face anything that could come my way . I felt trust and love for Joseph like I had always felt for my dad . I thought about having children with him and how I felt confident that my children would look up to him with love and respect the way I had with my own father , and I knew that I would trust and respect him and support him in that role as well . I felt peace completely surround me . And then I thought . I am getting married in two days to a man I have known for a matter of weeks ! A man who no one in my family and none of my friends had ever met , I was marrying him in Uganda , in a strange country , completely alone and with out support . I was marrying a black man ! In spite of how I had always felt and what I had believed about them . I was marrying a man much younger than I was , from an entirely different background and culture . Even his first language was different from mine . I had every reason to be panicked . I had every reason to feel overwhelmed and lost . But I didn 't . I felt loved , protected , secure , and filled with peace . I knew those feelings could only come at a time like this , so powerfully as to over come all other feelings , from one source . It was the final answer that I needed . The Lord approved , he was here in this very room helping me at this moment . And I knew everything would be ok . The day before the wedding I only saw Joseph for a few minutes in the afternoon . He took a break from setting up tents and chairs and making arrangements to come be with me for an hour or so . When we first started dating Joseph and I had set a couple of firm rules for ourselves to help us to make sure that we kept the standards that we believed in regards to physical intimacy being saved for marriage . Some of these rules were that we would never kiss lying down , we would save passionate kissing and necking for after marriage and we would never spend the night together in the same home by ourselves . It was so nice to be approaching our marriage the following day knowing that we had stayed true to our convictions and had kept the rules that we made for ourselves . We had told no one of these rules and there was no one to judge if we broke them , but we knew and it felt good . That afternoon as we spent our last few moments together still " limited " by these rules and yet aware that our marriage the following day would change everything , we spoke to each other with loving words and I felt that my heart would burst with Love for him . I had no desire to do anything that would damage the special feeling that " waiting " had created between us . We held each other , talked of our plans for the future , and savored these final moments together as single people . The following day after a much - needed and incredibly enjoyable hot shower , Melissa , my only friend from the states who was there came and did my hair for me . I went to a salon and got my nails done and then waited patiently for the car to arrive to pick me up . I had warned everyone that my wedding would start on time ! When the time came for the car to arrive to pick me and my brides maids up to take us to the church I was ready and waiting . No car showed up and the minutes ticked away . Finally I gathered my full skirts in my hand and told Tinah , " Im leaving . If I have to take a boda boda ( motorcycle taxi ) to the church I will but I am going to the church right now ! " Tinah was frantic , you can 't do that she told me ! When I reached the curb the car was just pulling up . We piled into the car , and headed to the church . The page - boy and flower girl , Joseph 's niece and nephew sat on either side of me . They were enthralled with the idea of having a new white " mother . " In Uganda the children refer the their aunts and uncles as mother and father . So I was now Mommy Vilate ( although when the children said it , it sounded a lot more like Mommy Violent , and I hoped it wasn 't a prediction of the kind of mother I would be ! ) They wanted to touch my hair and my skin , they sat quietly and shyly next to me . We arrived at the church about the time the wedding was supposed to start and I was like a crazy woman trying to get in to the chapel to make sure things happened just the way I wanted . Life rarely happens the way we want , you would think I would have figured that out by now and quit trying to control every little detail , but for some reason I wasn 't willing to just sit back and let this day happen . I wanted it to happen the way I wanted it to be . Joseph and I met in the hallway , My veil was over my face and through it he looked fuzzy and white . And oh so handsome in his dark suit and yellow tie . His eyes glowed in appreciation as he looked at me and he didn 't need to say anything , his eyes said it all . We posed for a few pictures together and then went to the chapel for the wedding . Every seat in the chapel was full , and some were even standing , but I didn 't notice . I was frantically trying to get my family on skype and get things ready so that we could start . I was way too excited that my wedding day had finally arrived to be shy or nervous . I finally got my family on skype and after a quick wave to their sleepy faces ( it was 3 AM their time ) the ceremony started . They started by singing a song that had always been a sore spot with me . And was especially so on this day . I sat there trying not to think about my mom and my sisters watching silently over skype as I took this step . I tried not to think of the spiritual , temporal and physical separation as what I was doing further widened the gap between my family and I . I tried not to think of my own father who I loved so dearly , not even able to be there on this most important day for me . It didn 't work and before I knew it I was sobbing and gasping for breath in my fitted dress . My whole body was shaking uncontrollably . Finally the song ended and the branch president spoke for a few minutes . When he finished he asked Joseph and I to stand , we stood facing each other and holding hands . Joseph 's head was down and I longed to see his eyes . I wanted to see if he was still sure , I wanted to see the love that I knew would be reflected there . He didn 't look at me . As the Branch President spoke I leaned down a little trying to catch his eye . It worked for a second , just long enough for me to see that he was really nervous . When it came time for him to say Yes , he did and when it was my turn I said it , wishing it was a longer word , or that there was some way to capture the significance of the moment . Then , it was done we were married , Joseph kissed me for the first time as his wife and we headed for the door with his family and friends yelling and shrieking behind us in the unique way that women in Uganda celebrate the marriages of their loved ones . As we stood outside the church taking photos with friends and family , I couldn 't stop smiling , the peace and contentment that I had felt in the last few days leading up to this day remained and was intensified by the contentment of knowing that I was finally married . I didn 't feel a rush to get through the reception , I didn 't feel anxiety about anything . All I felt was utter and complete contentment in that moment . Joseph squeezed my hand and I wondered if I would ever again need to see any face besides his . When the pictures finished we moved on to the reception . As the day progressed there were moments of surprise when something didn 't happen the way we wanted it to , there were moments of frustration where too many people were telling us what to do , where to stand , where to look , too many hands were pulling , hugging , fixing this or that . Music was playing to loudly and too long And for a few seconds I thought I would scream . Then the moment would pass and the contentment would flood in again and I would remember that it was my wedding day , a day that would never come again , a day I had waited 32 long years for . This cycle of feeling frustrated and overwhelmed and being so in love and reveling in the joy and the beauty of the day continued . As Joseph and I sat front and center at a table beautifully decorated for us , surrounded by hundreds of people who had come to celebrate with us , I felt that life couldn 't get any better , and as my head pounded with the noise and the craziness of the day as the hours wore on I turned to Joseph , " I can 't do this , anymore " I told him . " You have to deal with it , its as simple as that " he answered , smiling yet again as someone else hugged us and someone else pulled on our arms trying to tell us that we need to speak , or take a picture , or accept a gift . Finally I had truly had enough , The music was pounding in my head and all around me and my large personal space bubble had been invaded one too many times . I wanted to scream and run away from it all . Someone was yelling in our ears , trying to be heard over the music , telling us what to do and someone else was contradicting them in the other ear . I gathered my skirts in my hands and walked as fast as I could toward the road , leaving Joseph and everyone else behind . I didn 't know what I planned to do when I got out of the yard and to the road , I just knew that I couldn 't take one more minute . Joseph ran up behind me , shouting for someone to bring the car . He seemed angry with me . We are going right now he told me . We got in the car with three of Joseph 's friends and drove out of the yard . Just as we were pulling out on to the road I remembered that my clothes , everything except my wedding dress was in a suitcase with Tinah . Joseph , we have to go back , I said , I need my suitcase . Again he seemed upset but drove back . I tried to get out of the car to go get it . Joseph told me to stay put and he would get it for me . I couldn 't very well tell him in front of his friends that I needed Tinah 's help to help me out of my dress and into something more romantic underneath for our wedding night . And Joseph wasn 't listening besides . " Would you just stay here ! " His voice was harsh and angry sounding , something I had never heard from him before . I sat on my side of the car with my dress piled around me . Ignoring Joseph and his friends as they talked . They unloaded our gifts at our apartment and then took us back to the hotel where we would spend the night . We unloaded our things and they left . I sat on the bed furious and near tears . Joseph came into the room after seeing the boys off . His smile back on his face and his eyes happy as though nothing had happened . He walked to me and put his arms around me . I pushed him away . He was not going to pretend that nothing had happened ! Before I knew what was even happening I was seated on one side of the bed and Joseph on the other , our backs were to each other and the gulf between us seemed unbreachable . I looked around to see if there was a tree near the window , thinking ironically of the scene from 7 brides for 7 brothers where Millie dooms her new husband to sleep in the tree on the night of their wedding . Is that how this night was going to end ? I felt stuck and I didn 't know who to even blame ! Technically the only thing Joseph had really done to make me angry was to get a little short with me . The only thing that anyone else had done to make me angry was to try to make my wedding day perfect . I didn 't know why I was so mad and I didn 't know how to fix it . I wanted things to be good between Joseph and I but I felt like just ignoring how I was feeling would just put a band - aid over the issue . I closed my eyes and said a little prayer . Father , I prayed , I feel like this is my fault . Can you show me how to fix it ? " You can start by getting on the same side of the bed . " The thought came clearly to my mind and should have been a no brainer . Joseph , I said , meekly . Will you come sit by me ? I couldn 't lie and tell him that it had been perfect . I was too honest a person for that and he would see right through me and it would mean nothing . I sat silently for a few minutes . I thought again of another story , this time from a book instead of a movie . In the work and the glory , shortly after a young couple marries , the husband is feeling dejected because he sees the conditions his wife is living in and feels that he is putting her through too much . She sees what her complaining has done and fixes it by finding things to be grateful for and the two end up laughing over their own difficulties . It gave me an idea . " I loved seeing your face when I first walked into the church " I told him . " And I loved that I got to make my own wedding cake , I loved that there was some African culture and tradition in our wedding as we walked through the little arbor decorated with ribbon and flowers and cut the ribbon that symbolized the official beginning of our wedding reception . " What did you like best ? I asked He looked at me a little confused . " I liked when the Casperson 's gave us a picture of the Joburg temple and the letter confirming the dates of our sealing " " Oh and I loved when your mother told me that I was her daughter now ! " I said , the feeling of making a game out of this catching on . We layed back on the bed looking up at the ceiling and recounting our favorite parts of the day . Soon we were laughing and it didn 't feel fake anymore to pretend that everything was alright . It was in fact truly alright . Whatever petty things had left me feeling disgruntled about the day were gone . I turned to Joseph , as far as I see it there are only three things that needed to happen today to make it perfect , I said . You and I need to have made covenants with each other , you need to be happy and I need to be happy . As long as those three things happen , this day is a success in my opinion . So the first one happened . And I 'm happy , so how about you ? I asked , " Are you happy " And so my whirlwind romance turned into a marriage . A marriage that would see , difficult times , a few arguments here and there , a baby sooner than anyone could have expected , and a separation that would only increase our love for each other . Who knows what still lies in store for us . Because just as Brother B had told me years before , this is not the end , it is only the beginning ! Share this : TwitterFacebookMorePinterestTumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Family , Inspiration , LDS temples , Mormons , My Whirlwind Romance , Relationships , Uncategorized Leaving Rwanda wasn 't nearly as easy as it had been to get in . You see Rwanda , in an effort to encourage tourism , doesn 't charge a fee for a visa . So when I entered , I simply had to get my passport stamped . Uganda 's policy is different . They require a $ 50 fee and since every penny I had was stolen I had no way to pay the fee . We stood pleading with the immigration official , explaining our situation to no avail . You simply can not enter Uganda without paying the fee , he told me . I am sorry for what happened to you but we can make no exceptions . " What should we do then ? " We asked , desperate for an answer out of this impossible situation . He turned to Joseph , " since you are African you don 't have to pay , you can go . Leave her here and you go get the money to pay her fee . " The idea was unthinkable , it would take him two days at best to get back to Uganda , get the money and get back to me . In the meantime I was in a no man 's land between borders . I had no way to get back to the city and no place to stay if I did make it back , I had no money and nothing to eat . It was simply out of the question . " I will not leave her " Joseph said adamantly . We decided to try the bus driver , we found him loading passengers back on the bus , they were getting ready to leave and we literally had minutes to figure this out . We explained the situation to him and asked him to loan us the money until we got back to Uganda . We can pay you as soon as we get there we assured him . We approached the conductor on the bus ( this is as assistant of sorts to the driver ) We asked him and he also refused . You will not pay he said , people always say they will pay and then when we get them back they leave and never bring me the money . " I will leave something with you , I promised , something that I will have to come back for . When we give you the money you can give it back to us . " He thought about this for a minute . What will you give he asked . I searched through my belongings looking for something that would do and my eyes rested on the shiny new engagement ring on my finger … " My camera , then " I said suddenly remembering that I had a camera that might be worth something to him . He agreed , took my camera and gave us the money . We were the last people back on the bus . My heart was beating and I felt like crying . As we drove a sales man stood up and began putting on something of a show advertising his healing products with magical capabilities . He spoke fluently in five or six languages , none of which I could understand . Finally he turned to me and asked in English , " do you understand what I am saying , " I shook my head . He had a playful smile on his face , and I knew I was about to be the butt of one of his jokes . See that man sitting next to you ? He asked , " say to him Nkwagala " he told me . ( that word means I love you in Luganda ) I laughed to myself . I may not know Luganda , but I knew that word . People around us were watching and snickering to see if I was going to fall for his joke . All day we went without food and prayed for our request . By evening as I went to bed , I felt so uneasy that I couldn 't sleep . I got up and started researching the visa process . Everything I read terrified me . People who had been separated for years as they waited for a visa , reports of complications and difficulties in obtaining a visa . The feelings that I had as I stood at the border being told that Joseph would have to leave me , and feeling so loved and reassured as he refused . We had found a way and we would do it again . But I knew one thing … I couldn 't leave him either . I finally fell into a restless sleep and woke with one thought on my mind . Call the man who left you his number in the taxi several weeks ago . I had met a man who was a government official . He had given me his number and told me to contact him if I needed anything during my stay . I didn 't know what he could do to help but I called him . Turns out he was just a few minutes away from where I lived passing through on his way to Jinja and he agreed to stop and talk to me . He did and I explained my situation . Just marry him here and then wait together for the visa he told me . You can wait here until he gets it and then you don 't have to leave him . It would mean marrying outside of the temple , it would mean marrying without any member of my family present and no friends of mine would be there . It would mean giving up on all the dreams and plans I had for my wedding . But it would mean that I wouldn 't have to leave him . It was the only option . I thought it over all day and that night when Joseph came to Lugazi to see me I sat him down . " I 've been thinking about this a lot and I think we need to change our plans " I told him . His face looked weary , hesitant and slightly scared at what I was going to say next . His normally smiling face was serious . He looked at me as though he wasn 't sure he had heard me right . I explained my thought process to him , but before I could even finish he had crushed me in a bear hug . Joseph normally has a radiant smile , but his smile that day was like something I had never seen before ! We talked about our changed plans , it felt good , it felt peaceful , I knew it was fast but it didn 't feel fast . It felt right . I met Joseph at the Space Café , a little tourist place that had great food . I was excited to tell him that I had " slept on it " and had an answer for him . The out door setting was secluded and romantic . We found a corner table with comfortable whicker chairs and sat down and ordered a milk shake and samosa . " I 've been thinking about what we talked about the other night , " I told him . " And I think I 'm ready to take a step forward . I think we should get engaged . " I don 't know what I expected from him but the huge smile and the bear hug that I was soon engulfed in took me by surprise . I laughed and moved over to sit on his lap . We sat that way unaware of anyone else and just talked through our plans . " This isn 't official though until you propose properly with a ring and everything , " I told him . " And you have to make it a good story . I 've waited a long time to be proposed to and I 've always wanted a good story . If you need help , coming up with something I can give you my friends phone number and she can help , " I told him , feeling quite sure that he wouldn 't have the first idea where to start to plan the kind of outrageous proposal that would live up to all my day dreams of how that moment should go . He insisted that he could do this on his own and that he didn 't need help , he could make it special and romantic . " One more thing , " I added , " about the ring , I kind of know exactly what I like and what I don 't like . But I want you to pick it and I want it to be a surprise … so I could maybe show you some pictures and then you would know what to look for … " I told him . He assured me he would work something out . A few days later he called to ask me if I could go look at rings with him . I thought we would just look to give him an idea of what I liked , but when we got there , there wasn 't much of a variety to choose from and we quickly found one that suited our purposes . And since it really was the only option as far as I was concerned , we bought it there on the spot . We were planning a trip to visit Rwanda that weekend . I laughed a little . It was a bit un conventional and not at all what I had in mind but , what did it matter now . I begged Joseph to let me wear the ring for just a little while . He agreed and we had lunch and then headed back to Jinja . Finally the weekend arrived . I wondered what Joseph had planned , as I packed the ring in my bag . I hoped it would be good . In the taxi on the way to the bus station , I talked to Joseph about something that had concerned me . I was very open about my concerns , never realizing that it might look to him as though I was questioning our decision to marry . Somehow it ended up in an argument . Both of us were very emotional and I felt he wasn 't listening to me and being understanding . I have no idea what he felt but when I looked over at him , he had tears in his eyes as they looked straight ahead , he didn 't seem to want to look at me . I was frustrated and didn 't know what to do . I had told him of my concerns because I wanted him to comfort me , not the other way around ! The taxi was stuck in the bumper to bumper traffic like nothing you will see anywhere except Kampala streets and as the minutes turned to hours we knew we were about to miss our bus if we didn 't do something quick . Finishing this conversation would have to wait . We exited the taxi and found a couple of boda boda drivers . We need to get to the bus station Joseph told them and we need to make it in 20 minutes no matter what . Can you take us there . They spoke among themselves for a few seconds questioning if what we asked was possible . Ok they told us we can take you but hang on tight and don 't let go for anything , we will not be stopping if we are going to take you . In order to make what we had planned possible we would take two separate bodas . Normally the drivers wanted you to hang on to the bike and not them but this time the driver told me to put my arms tight around his waist and get ready . We zoomed in and out of traffic sometimes coming so close to the cars on either side that I worried that my feet would hit them as we passed . When the cars closed up around us the driver whipped up over the curb and took the sidewalk , sometimes using his feet to help balance and sometimes using his hands on passing cars as we squeezed through small spaces . I clung to him for dear life and tried to keep an eye on Joseph 's back just ahead . In almost exactly twenty minutes we whizzed into the parking lot where our bus stood waiting . It was dark outside and the lights where on inside the bus , we could see that most of the passengers where already seated . I grabbed our things paid the boda men and raced up into the bus . It wasn 't until we were safely in our seats and the bus was on its way that Joseph chose to resume our discussion from before . This time however , everything was different . We were seated in our two chairs side by side in the dark bus as it rumbled along down dirt roads , our chairs reclined just a little to allow us to sleep as the trip to Rwanda was going to take all night . Joseph raised the arm rest between our two seats to allow us to be closer and then he put both arms around me and cradled my head on his chest . " Im sorry , he whispered to me , There is just nothing that frightens me like the thought of losing you . Hearing you talk like that made me think that you might go home and I would never see you again . . Tears streamed down my cheeks . " I love you Joseph , I said , I would never leave you . I just wanted to be able to share with you some things that were hard for me . I wanted to hear you reassure me that it was all going to be ok . That 's all I really wanted . " His hand stroked my hair and down my back as we whispered lovingly to each other until we both fell asleep . As we continued our journey the sun slowely came up to reveal the beautiful country side , that one pictures when they imagine going to Africa . The red sand , open saces , and funny little trees off in the distance kept me captivated . I marveled abit at how I had come to be here . I had always wanted to live a life of adventure but I never imagined I would be sitting on a bus watching the sunrise as I entered Rwanda with my future husband by my side . I felt like I was living in some kind of dream . I struggled to wake from this dream and realize that it was in fact reality so that I could soak it all in , enjoy every second of this magical journey that had surpassed all my imaginings . . Finally we reached Kigali , the capital city of Rwanda . It was so interesting to know the recent history of this place and yet to find myself here . Where stories that I had only read about took place , seeing and being greeted by adults who no doubt had been present , a witness to , if not a participant in the genocide that took place there . We took a taxi to a hotel , paid for our rooms and settled in to look around . Our room … two rooms really , separated by a half wall . Each room with a small cot against one wall and one room with a sink attached to the other wall . A small table sat in the room that would be Joseph 's . We unloaded our belongings and headed out to get some breakfast . We stopped on our way at an ATM only to discover that it wouldn 't take a visa so we went in search of another that would . We tried another and when it wouldn 't either we decided to just head to the mall to get something to eat and we would find a place to change more money later . I stuffed my small coin purse with all of our cash and my credit cards back in the backpack that Joseph carried on his back and we headed to the mall . When we arrived I reached in expecting to feel the coarseness of the bark cloth coin purse only to feel nothing . We put the back pack down and searched every possible pocket taking everything out of it in our desperate search . I was near tears realizing that more than likely it was really gone . We retraced our steps back to the last ATM homing against hope that we would find it along the way , but the purse was gone . We better report it to the police , Joseph told me , see if they can help us . I was near tears , not sure what we were going to do without that money and completely at a loss for how I was going to survive the rest of my time in Uganda without access to any of the money in my bank account . Assuming of course that whoever took our purse didn 't get everything out of it before I could call and cancel the card . I looked at him , he looked at me and then he started to grin . Joseph this isn 't funny I said , this is really serious . We have nothing ! And no way to get home until the bus leaves in another three days ! I looked at him not sure if I should be angry with him for not taking this situation more seriously or to hug him for being such a good sport about it all and for reminding me of something that I should have remembered . This was just another adventure , and if nothing else it would make a good story later . I knew from past experience that often when things go horribly wrong , the make the best of memories years down the road when you can laugh at the craziness . " You 're right I said , we will be fine . It might even be fun . I said with a twinkle in my eye . It won 't be the trip we planned but Im quite certain it will be an adventure . He hugged me then and we sat down to assess our situation . Just then a couple walked by , obviously tourists as they were white and spoke with an Australian accent . They had twin daughters , one of which was in her mothers arms and the other was trailing behind the couple . She looked at us and without a word walked straight to Joseph and lifted her arms to be picked up . He picked her up and walked toward her mother who stood watching , looking slightly unseasy . When Joseph reached the mother he held the girl out to her only to have her little arms wrap tenderly around his neck and she turned her face to hide in his shoulder . He spoke to her for a minute and encouraged her to go to her mother . She finally did while her twin looked on quietly sucking her thumb . I stood watching the whole scene in amazement . To me Joseph shone with kindness , his smile radiated goodness and I saw it from the moment that I met him . To see this child react to that confirmed to me that President Jackson 's words to me that day at the wedding were more true than even I imagined . Joseph really was everything that I thought he was . Even a child could see that and loved him . After the little family left we gathered up all the loose change and any bills of any kind that we had on us . We changed them into francs and discovered that we had just enough left to take a taxi back to the bus station with a little extra . We went to the grocery store to see what we could find . We bought a loaf of bread , a jar of peanut butter , a knife and a carton of milk . It wasn 't much but at least we wouldn 't starve . We went back to our rooms and sat on the bed . We read to each other and talked for sometime . Later that evening , we sat talking and Jospeh asked me if I knew what day it was . I did . It was the fourth of July . I knew everyone back home would be celebrating with fireworks and good food . But I was happy right where I was with my peanut butter sandwhich . Did you bring that thing I asked you to pack ? Joseph asked , referring to my engagement ring . I laughed knowing what was coming . I did , I told him . Well we are going to need it now , he told me . I scooted off the bed and went to my side of the room to get the little black velvet box , this was so inconventional and so not what I had imagined . I brought it back and gave it to him . Ever since I got home from my mission , I have been praying and looking for a girl that would commit herself to me and to the gospel , he told me . I wanted to find a girl that I could trust to raise our children in the church , to have family home evening with me , and who would support me in my callings , he told me . When I met you I was amazed by your goodness and I knew without a doubt that you would make a great mother , the more I got to know you I saw that you were committed to the gospel . I have told you some of the reason 's why I love you . He said , but the biggest reason I love you is because it is so clear to me that you love the Lord . He promised to send me a handmaiden of the Lord and when I look at you , that is what I see . Joseph , I interrupted , knowing what was coming and knowing that it couldn 't happen with both of us seated on his bed . Joseph , you know you can 't do this sitting down right ? I asked not sure if he knew that he should be down on one knee . Joseph , I enterupted again , you know you can 't do this standing up right ? He looked at me confused . You have to get down on one knee . I told him laughing a little at how this was all turning out . No Joseph , Ilaughed again , its done on one . In America when you propose you get down on ONE knee . He seemed confused at why two wouldn 't be better but he did as I asked . Finally he finished , look around you Vilate , this room , this place is nothing fancy , this trip is probably going to be a little bit hard . We don 't even have anything to celebrate with except more peanut butter sandwhiches . Our life will probably be something like this , full of unexpected adventures , difficult times and trials , but I love you and I promise you that if you will marry me I will do everything within my power to make you happy and to be a good husband and father . I gulped , still trying to grasp at the reality of this moment that I had waited almost 32 long years to experience . Nothing was the way I had imagined it . I looked around me at the cold bare walls , at the hard floor and the dirty sink in the corner and I realized that his proposal couldn 't have been more perfect , that he and I couldn 't have been more perfect . It would never have done to have him show up with roses and a cute little proposal , that just wasn 't me , or him . What could have been more appropriate than the way this had all happened . I said " yes " and Joseph slipped the ring on my finger . I also had imagined that I would be a bucket of tears , that my hand would shake as he put the ring on my finger and that I would be so overcome with emotion that I wouldn 't hardly be able to stammer a yes . I felt none of those things . I felt peaceful , it felt normal , and I was happy . Over the last 16 years or so I had imagined every possible scenario in which this moment would happen . I never once imagined this one and once again life managed to throw me a surprise , an adventure and a curve that I never could have seen coming . Once again life had proved unpredicatable , … just the way I liked it . |
We got part of the house rearranged yesterday . The front room makes a cozy living room , though we 're going to have to tweek it a little when spring / summer gets here and the a / c has to be turned on . The couch comes up partway on the vent , but we have enough room to be able to pull the couch away from the wall and make a lip . Cat wasn 't sure she was going to like the new set up , but did indeed find it cozy . Today will bring moving the office into the old living room . . . this is always the most arduous part of the journey . If we play our cards right we 'll be sleeping in the office tonight . I suspect it 's not a good sign that it 's 10 : 15 and we haven 't gotten started yet , but hey , we 're on vacation . I feel bad for having written about my mom . . . I have tweaked it several times and it still looks ugly on paper . I know that part of me hopes she 'll read it and see how I feel . . . but then I also know that she 'll read it and just be mad that I wrote it . I 'm not sure what she wants from me . I really don 't know . I have never felt like I made the right decisions by her but I never know what the right decision is . I 'm not the only one who sees it . My friends from childhood roll their eyes when my mom comes up . They always felt like she gave me a really hard time . One friend said it was amazing I didn 't turn into a wildchild . I think the worst part is that no one ever stuck up for me . In my family my dad always used to say " do whatever you need to do to make her happy " . Basically : Don 't rock the boat . Only I honestly never knew what I was doing right or wrong . ( OK , my dad isn 't a saint either , but our issues are different , and seem to be less emotionally stressful ) I know that I blog about it b / c I keep hoping she 'll read this and see how I feel and maybe , just maybe we can still find a way to get along after all this time . But I 'm not holding my breath . She thinks it 's all me that needs to make an effort . I know that effort needs to be made on both sides . Cat took Frankie to the pound for me today . They seemed to think they 'd be able to place him without too much work . I 'm going to mail his papers to them so that they can pass them along . I never knew it , but he 's microchipped . . . just that the chip was never registered to anyone . I hated sending him away and I " m praying that he 'll find the right home . I just can 't continue to change my life to suit the dog . Everyone said that they couldn 't believe I 'd kept him this long . I thought I was being a good dog owner , but evidently I was a dork b / c he can 't be trained by me . The house is really quiet tonight with him gone . It was nice to not have to worry about locking up every morsel of food . I set something down on the table and didn 't have to carry it from room to room . I will miss his fun . He was a great trail dog . . . I wonder if I could still train Scooby to go on the trail and not chase the horses ? We had a very pleasant Christmas at our house ! We stayed home and played with our new toys ( I got a 4 gig Ipod , which was way , way cool ) As usual I didn 't get Peter anything near as cool as he got me . He 's really hard to buy for , usually buys what he wants himself and doesn 't tell me half of what he wants . I got him a new pan for the kitche , which he 'd been wanting , but it wasn 't exciting like an IPOD . I now know he really wanted one , but he wanted me to be so off focused of IPOD so that I wouldn 't suspect , that he missed his opportunity for me to go shopping . Peter always takes so much better care of us than we can of him . I want to pay him back . We had friends over in the evening to eat pasta and watch TV . One of the friends brought some limoncello , which is a lemon flavored liqueur . It was yummy and I found myself drifting to a mellow sort of place and time sort of stood still . I could tell I was tipsy , but all my friends said I looked and sounded perfectly normal . Good thing I don 't enjoy that feeling and don 't ever drink that much often . It just sort of snuck up on me . And to boot , I had a lovely headache when I woke up this am . The definite advantage to " partying " at home is that you don 't have to drive . Peter drank a little but not much , so he was in better shape than I was . Maggie went home with Shawn and Alexa and we 've been spending the day rearranging and getting dish service installed into a new room . We are kind of moving a round robbin set of room stuff and cleaning as wel go . The front room has never been used that much and we are going to make it our living room / den for TV . Hence , the dish being added . It 's a pretty big task and Peter isn 't his usual energetic self . . . we 've both been playing on the computer a lot . We 're doing it partly to clean in anticipation of my father 's visit on Sat . Though , honestly , I 'm not sure they 'll come over here . I don 't think my dad 's wife likes my house or my pets . I did talk to my mom yesterday it was not a satisfying conversation . Maggie called her to wish her Merry CPosted by Frankie and Willie had another go round this week . My friends say that the only reason frankie is still alive is b / c i love him . They are problaby right . . . I 've never known a dog that is this big of a pain . I talked to the vet about putting him to sleep b / c of his aggression toward other dogs , but they urge me not to . I have tried , once again to find him a home , but I 'm having no luck at all . No one wants him . If I tell people about him , they really don 't want him . . . I can 't imagine him being here for the next 10 years of my life , but then I can 't imagine putting him to sleep either . I feel like if I just could get him enough exercise we 'd be ok . . . so I guess more exercise it is . I spent the day grocery shopping . My Christmas cooking is very expensive and detailed , but I won 't be buying anymore groceries after this is over ! I have food to be able to cook in the next week or two and that 's good . I 've been eating out way too much ! After hitting a low of 198 . 8 , I 'm up to 204 . I haven 't done anything different that I can tell either , so I don 't know what 's different . I hate that ! I lost it easily and gained it just as easily . sigh . I 'm back to weighing each day b / c I find it helps me stay on track . We have a nice couple of days planned . . . My food is mostly cooked in the crock , which will be nice . We 're having a crock pot version of Cioppino for Christmas Eve and Shawn is coming over . I 'm making Rachel Ray 's Christmas pasta on Sunday . Both will go well in the crock so I won 't be tied to the kitchen . Usually we go to the barn to play with our new horsey toys on Christmas day , which we will do again this year . Alexa is coming over for the Christmas dinner portion of the day . . . I have to get to the barn for a little while anyway . . . I 'm not sure we have times set for eating yet . The day after Christmas , we are going to rearrange our house as we often do this time of year . We 're going to put the living room in the front room , like it was in the original days of this house . Our couch just fits in the room so that will be cozy . We wePosted by Maggie is on break now and I 'm still working . My work ethic is in the toilet ! I 'm taking off next week , but I still have to get through this week . I 'm seriously tired today from getting up early to take Cat 's son to the airport . Her purse was stolen and she couldn 't check him in and his flight left at 6 : 45 . . . only we missed it b / c we waited in the wrong line 2 times ( and then they told us we couldn 't check in a minor in either of those lines ) He got on the 7 : 25 flight by just a hair . . . we went to breakfast and now I 'm home . My computer is ill . I 'm on Peter 's . Some of the drivers started malfunctioning and now the wireless part doesn 't work . Peter took it to work to fix it but I don 't know if he 'll have time or not . The weather is beautiful and I want to be outside riding . . . My dad is coming for the Cotton Bowl , which is fun , but makes more busyness too . I was looking forward to a real vacation break with lots of sitting around , but now I 'll be cleaning and entertaining . I 'm thinking of taking off two weeks instead of just one , or only seeing a few clients the week after Christmas . I really need a break . I feel like I 'm so busy . Well , my kitchen is now clean . I scrubbed it , baked in it and then scrubbed it again . I want an Alice . . . you know , Alice from the Brady Bunch . She cooked , she cleaned , she was always there to watch the kids . . . I want an Alice . Then Peter and I would never have to fight again about housework b / c Alice would be doing it . One room down and a few more to go before Christmas arrives . Today I was able to stay home for the entire day . I have spent most of it on the computer , doing paperwork and paying bills and reading email . My new addiction to Sims 2 has affected my correspondence with my online friends ! I made scones for Maggie 's medieval party at school tomorrow . Shawn and Maggie will come by and pick them up any minute . They turned out pretty good and I managed to protect them from the dogs ! Christmas was supposed to be slow and relaxing this year for us . It was going to be just family here at home . Partly we planned it this way b / c it 's an " odd " year ( 2007 ) so it 's one of Shawn 's years to have Maggie for the holiday . He planned to take her to the HIll Country to see his folks starting th 26th . Then we found out that Mizzou is in the Cotton Bowl and Dad and Shirley are coming down for that . Then I found out that Sara , Peter 's sister is coming down the weekend before Christmas , possibly with his mother , which again changes things . If his mother comes down , I suspect she 'll be at Nick 's house , but we 've already planned dinner here at home and invited Alexa to join us . So , I guess we 'll invite her here for dinner , which means I have to clean my house a week sooner . Nice thing about Dad and Shirley coming is that they won 't be over here much since they don 't like the pets . . . of course , I 'd like to host them in my home . I found out that Shirley 's kids are coming down to the game too , so I 'm wondering if they 're all staying at the same hotel and how much of our activities will center around them as well . I 'm pretty jealous of time with my dad b / c I never get any with him alone . I wonder if the weather is nice I can convince thPosted by I slept very little last night . Yesterday evening my idiot of a JRT ate a box of rock candy project mix ( I 'm guessing it was just sugar - - at least I hope so ) and then he spent the night puking . I did let him outside to puke for awhile , but that requires I stand there and watch him b / c he runs off if not supervised . I now have sticky paw prints all through my house . UGH ! Today was a weird day . I woke up late , missed some appointments and then went to the eye doctor where I found out that I have a weird eye problem that is interfering with my contacts . Something about the oil glands in my eyes over producing and causing irritation . I 'm switching types of lenses , ordered new glasses and will be good for the year it takes me to save up for Lasik ! I saw one out of 5 clients today . . . not a good ratio for my day . I think I can get at least one of them rescheduled . The other two , I 'm not sure about . My bad . . . some days are like that . I wish I were more upset about it , but I had so much to do and the eye doctor took so long . It 's the Christmas holiday - itis getting to me I think . I want to do some sewing and it 's just not happening . All sewn items will get to people directly after the holidays and it will just have to be OK . I want to do better , but yet , I know my limitations . Tomorrow I go to Springtown and makeup for the week I missed when I lost my car keys . I 've been so swamped , I thought I had posted about the Simms myself . . . I didn 't realize Peter had done it for me . . . . where Alice is . Well , all I can say is that Maggie and I have finally succeeded into sucking her into the world of computer gaming . Yes , that is right , computer gaming . Most nights you will now find Alice camped on our nice new couch playing with her Sims ( * ) . It is rather funny in that I am the one to go to sleep most evenings before her . What is really fun is watching her ' yell ' at her computer because her digital teenager will not do their homework . It is almost like a soap opera listening to her talk about what her Sim did this day . * grin * I am sure Alice will probably return to her normal blogging frequency once she gets tired of the game , but for now she is having fun playing with her digital family . - Peter ( * ) For those of you who do not know Sims 2 is a game where you can create people , any age child through elder , and guide them through life from getting a job to getting married to getting old and everything in between I found my keys . . . They were in my car sandwiched between two books . I have no idea how they got out the door without me noticing where they were in the first place . I feel really dumb ! I have been looking for my keys for almost 3 hours now and they are still missing . . . I can 't figure out where they would have gone . Cat even came and helped me look . I 'm totally stranded here for the day . It 's not too bad though since my house will be really clean by the time I 'm done searching . I was headed out the door just over an hour ago to do my music therapy rounds when I realized my keys weren 't in my purse . I figured they were in one of the few places I set my keys ( I tend to be methodical about the keys b / c I really don 't want to lose them ! I have searched for over an hour and I finally had to cancel my rounds today in Springtown . Do you know how stupid I felt calling up the school and telling them I couldn 't get there b / c my keys were missing ? OK , well , I didn 't quite say that . I said I couldn 't get my car to start , which is actually , the truth , sort of . Cat is coming over in a few minutes to help me look for them some more , but I 'm going to take the point of view peter often does in these situations : what a wonderful opportunity this will be for me to clean house while looking for my darn keys . I 'm pretty discouraged that they are missing . This is very unusual for me . I " always " put them on the table , or in my purse , so the fact that they aren 't either of those places is distressing . I have even looked in my garage , my bathroom and my kitchen , as well as the back of my truck . Speaking of the truck : I have 2 other vehicles here that I could drive with the spare keys . I found the spare keys where I keep them , but I didn 't realize the escort didn 't have a spare . I unlocked Peter 's car to see if they had fallen out of my purse after supper , and I called Cracker Barrel to see if they fell out during supper , but no such luck . I 'm in the process of accepting that I am just supposed to be home today . I 'm just really , really frustrated that I 'm not home by my own free will . My dad came to town last night on his way to a football game in San Antonio . WE had a nice visit and ate supper together . THere was a lot of sodium in my meal though b / c my weight was way , way up today . Yuck . . . My head is killing me . I have taken Aleve , I have eaten , drunk coffee and taken sudafed even though I hate the buzz , but my head is killing me . Tomorrow I will go to the chiro and get a 30 minute massage ( not long enough , but since it 's covered by my copay , it will have to do ) I 'm including pictures that Maggie drew . One of them is an invention she created which would be really cool if it could happen . . . She 's invented a new way to hold on Easy boots . My head just is killing me today . I 'm sitting here watching TV with maggie and then I plan to run to the barn . Maggie is still crouping , so she can 't go today . I 'm going to take the opportunity to get organized for the ride next week , ride Liberty , ground work with Freeley to see if he 's going to be sound for me . Maggie has to stay home and heal before Sunday b / c she is doing the barn with Jena . She is actually looking forward to working b / c she wants the money . I 'm happy to hear this since she is learning a good work ethic for how hard it is to work with horses . Today I would love just to stay home all day , but since it 's going to rain tomorrow I figure I 'd better be responsible and go put a blanket on my horses so they won 't be cold . I just wish my head would quit hurting . I 'll stay home and watch TV and play games tomorrow . I 'm considering getting Lasik done on my eyes . One of my friends did it this week and woke up the next morning being able to see beautifully . She told me how much it was , and it was " only " $ 3000 for both eyes . I didn 't think that was all that expensive . Of course , I can 't do it now , I have to save up to be able to do it . I told someone yesterday about it and they made a big deal about how much it cost . I can 't do it till I save up for it anyway , so it 's not like I can do it tomorrow , but I 've been so blind for so long , I 'm dying to get it done . I can 't hardly wear contacts anymore . I always said that if I couldn 't wear contacts then I would get my eyes done . Since I have been wearing my glasses so much , my friend says that I could probably get the initial appointment and the surgery done the same week , when usually you have to wait for awhile to get it done . My girlfriend says her surgery took 10 minutes and she woke up able to see the next day . I think I have a new thing to save my pennies for . . . they have financing , but I can 't very well finance my eye surgery if I 'm not willing to let Peter finance a new ( er ) car . . . so I wait . I weighed this am before going to my Thanksgiving dinner and I have hit a new low since just post pregnancy . . . I 'm now 198 . 8 . The lightest I was after childbirth was 6 weeks after Maggie was born and I weighed in at 194 . I was 186 or so before I got pregnant , so felt pretty good about that . Then , just a few weeks later , I broke my shoulder when I got bucked off a horse and sat around in a chair for three months , not exercising and being fed by Shawn , my large ex - husband who is also a really good cook . When the dust settled I was around 208 and it just went up from there . IN 2003 I topped out at around 224 before I found distance riding and starting working more . I have bounced between 202 and 218 for several years until my body seemed to finally get the hang of this weight loss thing this fall . I contribute it to working and being too busy to eat , moving move and giving up diet sodas . Now , we 'll just have to see what I weigh after Thanksgiving . . . there 's the goal , to drop a bit more weight after this week . Maggie is sick with a bad cold and cough , but we are heading to Thanksgiving at Nick and Stacy 's house . She will have to stay away from the baby , but she will be OK . I have inhalers and we 'll take the nebulizer if we need to . Poor thing has been sick so much this fall . Sometimes I think it 's in direct relationship to my need to work . When I was home it seems like she was never sick and now that I need to work , she is always home . IT 's probably not any different . I probably am just reacting to the small amount of time I get to be home these days . ON a positive note about work though : I found out that I can become certified as a Therapeutic riding instructor and teach lessons through my agency . I 'm so excited . I can make $ 60 / hour as a TR instructor through the agency that already employees me . I 'm sitting in my chair . I love this chair . It 's a big , striped double chair with an ottoman and it came from the salvation army a couple years ago . It 's in bad shape , and some of the fabric is rotten . Plus , when I sit in my chair , I 'm an island so we don 't all sit together . Peter would like for us to sit together . Tonight is the last night I will really spend in my chair since on Saturday our new sectional sofa will be delivered . It 's got a chaise lounger at one end and 2 ottomans so we will have lots of room to stretch out together on the sofa as a family . I 'm really looking forward to it , but I am going to miss my cozy chair . I don 't think there is room for it and the new sofa both in the living room . I 'm going camping with my girlfriends over the weekend . Originally a bunch of us were going to take our kids and slowing the kids dropped off till it was just Jena and Maggie left Cat and I decided that we would ditch the kids on Peter ( actually , he volunteered happily ) and we could just have an adult weekend . We don 't get those often so it will be a blast . We are going tomorrow afternoon and will be back on Sunday . It 's all been made possible by my friend Alexa , who is going to let Maggie hang out with her on Friday . I 'm very grateful and will have to do something nice for her . . . we 're going to breakfast first thing . maybe I 'll buy her breakfast ? I 'm very tired tonight . It 's been a long week . I will get up in the morning and pack up the truck and hit the road early so we can get on the road and get set up and get busy with the process of hanging out . I lost . 2 pounds this week . I forgot to report last week . I was up . 4 pounds last week and I lost . 2 this week , so I have hovered between 199 , my lowest and 200 . 4 the last couple weeks . I have stepped up exercise and I 'm eating better . I can really tell now when I 've had too much sodium b / c I feel bloated . On the flip side I 'm wearing clothes I have owned and not ever been able to wear and I had to return a pair of pants I ordered that would have been the right size notPosted by It hurts more to get bucked off a big horse than it does a small horse . I had gone 3 . 5 years without being bucked off and it was lovely . Yesterday , that all changed when I over cued a green horse and fell off after 2 bucks . It was not pretty . The people watching said that besides the one expletive I uttered that I said " I 'm going down " and then I hit the dirt . I was fine and I got back up and rode Merlin some more . . . but I didn 't ask him to canter again . The worst part was that it happened while I was teaching and everyone at the barn was watching the lesson or just sort of hanging out . It was really embarrassing . Maggie has been sick with the stomach bug , and I 'm thinking it 's happening to me now . I have a slight fever and my tummy is growling , but so far so good . I almost never throw up and hope to keep it that way . The weather here is been amazing ! Next weekend a bunch of us from my barn are going camping . I 'm still trying to work out the details . Originally it started out being adults and kids b / c some of the folks had to take the kids or not go . Now some of it has changed and I find myself wishing that I could go without maggie and have an adult weekend . But , it will be fun . I 'm starting to plan next summer out already . Maggie is going to camp in Bar 50 ranch to camp in mid - july . I did that math and figured out that it was cheaper to stay the week there than it was to drive there and back on either end of the week . Plus , Maggie will be more likely to have fun knowing I 'm close by . I know it 's too early for most people , but I 'm hoping that I can get friends to come spend the week with me . I can camp and ride and relax and swim and be there so Maggie isn 't worried or alone since she 's never done overnight camp before . I 'm afraid I 'm getting her bug . . . Signing off now b / c I 'm not feeling so hot . I 'm sitting here at home , after a busy day of music therapy and a little bit of trail riding . Peter won 't be home for another 20 minutes or so , and I hate to lay down and try to go to bed before he comes home from orchestra b / c I get woken up , so I 'm trying to entertain myself while waiting for him . Here are some pictures Maggie drew and I scanned . I love that people read my blog . It is cool to think that other people out there think like me or enjoy reading what we 're doing here . I find it so much easier to journal in the blog than just for myself . Sure , it 's for myself , but since I have friends who I know read it to keep up it 's nice to have this venue . I later take my blog posts and mail them as letters to friends who don 't have computers . . . saves me writing more than one letter . I love reading other blogs and I will occasionally comment , but not often . I know that there are people who read , but don 't write in and that 's fine . I don 't care one way or the other . However , I really hate it when people write in the comments , but won 't / don 't leave their name . Sometimes I know who they are b / c they tell me . Sometimes I just can kind of figure it out . But , when someone doesn 't leave a name and they make comments that are kind of mean or off color , then I think that feels creepy . To keep this from happening anymore , I have set it up that people have to be registered users of blogger to leave a comment . This means that they just have to set up an account . It doesn 't mean that they have to have a blog , but then they can 't leave anymore anonymous comments . . . at least I think that 's what it means . That 's what it 's supposed to mean . Don 't let it scare you off ; sign up for a blogger account and we 'll have no trouble at all . Or if I 'm one of your facebook friends , the notes are imported there and you can comment there . Today was a bit windy and just a tad cold , but I managed to squeeze in a trail ride on our new trails . They officially open on Saturday , but since they aren 't really well beaten down yet , the Corp is letting us ridePosted by Peter 's brother recently had a baby and now he likes the idea of one too . He has not asked me to do this , he just gets a little nostaligic and thinks he would have enjoyed having a baby of his own . Of course , I think on it a little and it would be OK . . . but I can 't get past the graduating the kid from college in my 60 's when I 'd like to be out having fun ! Lots of people do it at our age , either by accident or on purpose , but I just don 't think it 's for me . I do think that having a baby with Peter would be nice . I just can 't imagine starting over now . I work with so many kids who have problems and Down 's Syndrome especially , that it 's hard to really consider it . I hate that I feel this way b / c I know he 'd really like to have a baby to be a dad to . At the same time , I 'm not sure that he would really enjoy the whole baby thing as much as he thinks he would . And , I 'm working and liking working . I have several friends who really want to have more kids and I think it would be great . Then I can play with their babies and then give them back ! Anyway , that 's my random thought for the day . First I have to start with a brag . I weighed this evening when I got home and I was 199 , so I am now under the 200 pound mark . Only 7 pounds to go to be where I was when I had my 6 week check up after giving birth to Maggie . Of course , this isn 't my official weighing day . . . that 's on Wednesday , but it was still good to see . I find that I am puzzled , yet thankful , for my continued weight loss . I never felt like I did anything abnormal that made me fat , and I don 't ' feel like I am doing anything extraordinary to get thin either . I 'm just praising God that the weight is coming off ! I got to ride Liberty again today and he was just a bit of a turkey . Nothing major , but he was ornery not wanting me to pick up his head from the grass . I swear that little horse lives to eat ! I taught a lesson while I was on him and made him do a couple of leg yields . It was really , really exciting to have him move sideways off my leg that way . It 's so cool to work with a horse who is a blank slate . He tries so hard and he 's such a dear . I know he 's eventually going to be Maggie 's , but in the mean time I " m having her ride Freeley . She needs to learn from him , and I want to ride this sweet little horse before I have to give him up . What I wasn 't happy about today was the way I taught part of my lesson . I wasn 't very successful at explaining the leg yield to my adult student or the daughter . The daughter did it better mainly b / c she is looser , but I feel like I failed the dad . He is very concrete and is looking for black and white answers . Riding isn 't black and white . IN the beginning you pull a rein and use a leg and it 's sloppy , but the horse goes . As you go along things are more complex . The leg and the hands are static , they are on a continuum . They are elastic . After having given one instruction in the beginning to ride a certain way , I 'm trying to get him out of that mold to move a different way . I 'm going to consult a couple books and some other instructors to help me find the words to teach this maneuver better . They did walk / trot / caPosted by Several times during our ride I thought I would have a heart attack when Liberty did some baby , green thing and my heart caught in our throat . At one point there was a horse eating log on the side of the trail and it was a spot where the trees were tight and the trail had a little bit of a trench . He spun around a few times and I almost baled out I was so nervous . Joe Bear walked by the log , but Liberty was still scared of it . I retreated , telling Maggie I was done and I thought he was tired and we should just quit . Then I remembered some of the big hills we 'd just climbed and remembered we 'd have to go down them . So , we stood there for a minute and regrouped and then Liberty went calmly down the trail as though it was nothing . I told Maggie that I thought he 'd had enough for the day and that he was wigging out . She kind of sniggered at me that he wasn 't the one freaking out . I thought , thanks kid . . . if she only knew what I was going through for her . I also realized that the best thing about the whole blowing up episode was that he was tired and he did want to quit , but we had to keep going and he worked through it and was calm at the end . This has been such a busy week . It was less busy than the previous couple of weeks . It culminated in a day off on Friday , but I 'll have to pay the piper and work extra next week . . . the curse of taking days off . I have a couple of new clients to start seeing next week , which means it will be busier than this week , and I won 't have the luxury of Fridays completely off anymore . I will do the Fridays for awhile , but I honestly don 't want to work on Fridays . I scheduled the appointments at the end of the day and it 's just a couple of hours , so not the end of the world . And I pointed out to Maggie that those 3 appointments will pay board for the horses with only one week of work . I 've let the parents know that I am only good for 3 out of 4 Fridays per month due to Maggie 's and my riding schedule . Of course , with the holidays I will have some time off . I have an interview at another school district on Monday . It 's a short day and I can fit it with my other work . if I get it , I will be working on Wednesdays but it will be similar to my day in Springtown . I will be going between schools , and then I will have to go back to Flint and see a client there plus do my massages there . God is giving me the energy to keep up with the work . I am starting to get too busy , but I find that the more money I earn the more I want to earn b / c I 'm seeing real progress on the money / bills . We are wanting some things we couldn 't afford before . We are able to have a little spending money here and there . We can finally get a new sofa . I 'm trying so hard to send the money to the steps in the debt snowball that Dave Ramsey outlines , but other people in my family often want other things than just to be out of debt . No matter how hard we try , our life style does expand a little . I honestly could be happy without a new sofa or a new car , but then I find myself thinking that it 's not fair to put my lifestyle choices on everyone else . I did get a new horse , so I guess that getting a new sofa for the house isn 't too much to ask . OTOH , I can actually pay foPosted by We 've been watching the Search for the Next Equestrian Star at our house . I am watching the third episode and we 've been enjoying it a lot at our house . It really makes me long for my dressage days when I was riding dressage . I was so sensitive at that point of my riding " career " that I couldn 't hack the toughness of dressage instruction . I 'm thinking that I would really like to have some real dressage lessons now . I know that I don 't have the right horse , I weigh too much and that I don 't have the right experience , but I watch those riders ride those horses and I think how much I would love to be that good and teach that well . Today is Peter 's birthday . We are sitting here relaxing just for the heck of it . We 're catching up our TV watching , cleaning up the house a little in anticipation of a fun day tomorrow . Alexa is coming over and we 're going to play games tomorrow night . I woke up this am and realized I had begun to blog yesterday and forgotten to finish it . I got distracted by TV and work and paperwork and visits with family . Oops . Today I would love to just stay home . I haven 't had a day of just staying home and not going anywhere in ages . Last Monday started out promising , but I had to go to the barn . Plus , I had pink eye , so I wasn 't home for shear relaxation , it was b / c I was sick . Same with having been ill a few weeks ago . I had a week of staying home , but it 's somehow now the same . Sometimes I 'd rather be home alone . Sometimes I 'd like to relax with my family . Maggie is cleaning the barn with her friends today , so I have to leave in a few minutes to take her there . Sigh . I need coffee . Flip side is I 'll get to ride today . I have been meaning to mention my weight loss miracle . I have weighed over 200 pounds since I broke my arm when Maggie was a baby . I have been up and down between 202 and 224 during that time , but I never got below 202 . The other day I weighed and I was 200 . 4 . The only thing I have changed to make this weight was to give up drinking all sodas . I never drank regular soda anyway and I always drank diet . I didn 't even drink many of them . However , in September after talking to a friend about how bad they were for me ( I already knew , I just liked them ) I drew a line in the sand and gave them up . In the last 5 weeks I have had 2 regular sodas , but otherwise I " ve been drinking perrier and iced tea . I have lost 13 pounds since Sept 15 . I have changed very little else . . . well , now I have b / c I 'm seeing success and want it to continue . Today I am leaning toward taking Liberty back . I don 't want to take him back , I just wonder if it isn 't the smartest thing to do . Maggie needs lessons and that would be a better way to spend the money . Of course , if she doesn 't have a horse to ride , that 's not so smart either . I still have a week to make up my mind . I just have to keep thinking on it and praying . So far I 'm not sure I have my answer . . . or if I have my answer , I don 't really like my answer so I keep questioning whether I have my answer . Funny how that works sometimes . I 'm really struggling today with some things that I need to help Maggie with . Her attitude toward people telling her what to do is terrible if she doesn 't like them . She outright dismisses people she doesn 't respect . I need to teach her how to respect people she doesn 't like and listen to them even when she doesn 't want to . I took a long time to learn that and I hate to see her go through it . . . but it may be something that has to happen in it 's own time . Life may have to bite her for her to get the message . Some people have told me things that she did or said over the weekend that I 'm not happy to hear . I have talked her about them and she says that her actions were misinterpreted . I do actually believe her , but I 'm disturbed that people think she was behaving inappropriately . I 'm trying to teach her that what other people think does matter , at least in some things . My heart is heavy today . I didn 't mean to go so long without posting , I 've just been so busy . After being sick for a week I then had to make up all the work that was left undone while I was ill , so last week was extra busy . Then at the end of the week , Maggie and I had plans for one last CTR at Horsemasters , in East TX . The best part of the ride this weekend was that Peter managed to pull off a big surprise ! He drove down to the ride and met us at the first P & R . I was really shocked b / c when he didn 't come on Saturday , I figured he was going to skip it . I didn 't blame him really . It was 150 miles one way . There was no need to spend the gas money just to come hang out . But when I got to the first P & R I did a double take and there he was . I threw my arms around him and starting kissing him and hugging him madly . It was way , way cool . The guy next to me in line , Mark Carter , missed the introductions . When Peter went down the line to talk to Maggie , I said something about my husband . He said " that 's your husband " I laughed and asked him who else I would be kissing in the woods on my birthday . Mark said he didn 't know for sure since he didn 't know me that well and perhaps I was meeting my boyfriend ( not exactly , but I can 't remember the exact wording ) He was kidding . So , when Peter came back through I introduced them and Peter joked about not telling my husband that he had come to see me . It was funny . Too bad Freeley had to ruin the fun and good intentions by mashing Peter 's hands . There goes Orchestra for a few weeks . Having him come was just the best birthday surprise ! It was great to have him in camp to help pack up and just hang out . I made the mistake of getting in the check out line way too early and blew precious time from my afternoon that I could have spent hanging out with Peter . This ride was not one of our more shining moments . The weather was beautiful and Freeley was hyper all weekend . Maggie wasn 't as overly sensitive as she was at Bigfoot Boogie , but she was not as relaxed as she had been at the benefit ride . I did not like the wayPosted by This past weekend was Alice 's birthday . On Saturday though I went to a friends annual Halloween party . I did not stay long at the party , leaving at 8pm because I had a plan . . . an evil birthday plan . . . After I got back to the house on Saturday night , Alice called and told me how dissapointed I was that I did not surprise her for her birthday by driving over that afternoon . I told her that I had really wanted to go to Alexa 's party since she only has it once a year . You can imagine the response I got from that , but I knew what I was saying . I also told her that I wanted to stay home so I could do my normal Sunday cleaning chores . She was dissapointed but she said she understood . I woke up the next morning at 5am and took care of the dogs before loading up Frankie and heading out to the camp site ( about a 2 . 5 hour drive ) . I got to the camp site just in time to get out to the first P & R location ( a point on the trail where the horse 's Pulse and Respiration are taken to make sure that the horse is fit enough to continue ) . Alice had not been through so all I had to do was sit and wait for her to get there . While waiting , I saw a few of Alice 's camp - neighbours and they told me how dissappointed Alice was that I had not driven over on Saturday . They all agreed that Alice would be very surprised . And she was . When she saw me her jaw dropped and she gave me a big hug and was quite happy that I had appeared . Oh , and Maggie also was surprised . So what did I get for giving her the surprise ? A mangled hand . It was dusk before the awards meeting even began so in order to facilitate a speedy departure , Jenna ( a friend of Maggies who had come with us ) and I went to load up the three horses . In order to load Freeley , you have to keep a hold of his lead rope after he loads into the trailer to keep him from backing out . So Jenna loaded Freeley into the trailer and I held the lead rope . Unfortunately , Freeley decided he wated out of the trailer and jerked back . Since I was holding on to the lead line , it resulted in my left hand slammiPeter Yovich I just got word that the daughter of one of my horsey friends fell off her pony tonight and broke her arm . She 's really upset feeling like it shouldn 't have happened . I tried to tell her that all kids fall off and bones get broken . Maggie fell off at 5 or 6 and broke her collar one . We all survived and she was back on her pony before we knew it ! God Speed to my friend ! These are photos taken by Jim Edmonson at the Region 4 benefit ride in Decatur , TX on Oct 6 - 7 . He says that he is only an amateur , but the photos are just fantastic . He captured Maggie and Brody just perfectly and caught them in moments when they were both smiling and getting along . Thanks so much for sharing these photos . My husband just shared this link with me and I thought it was wonderful . READ THIS FIRST THEN CLICK THE LINK AT THE BOTTOM AND WATCH ! This is a story about a guy , a guy like most of us , common , questioning his existence , measuring himself to others , never believing in his abilities or his worth . Then one day , his passion outgrew his fears as he stepped onto a stage , a stage that tookhim to a place beyond his self imposed prison . Watch the faces of the judges as this guy walks out on the stage . You can almost see whatthey 're thinking as they pre - judge this guy based on his looks and the fact that he 's a cellphone salesman . Maybe this guy stopped believing in what people told him for so many years and ultimately started listening to his passion . http : / / www . maniacworld . com / Phone - Salesman - Amazes - Crowd . html After fighting it all week believing from moment to moment I was feeling better , I decided to go to the doctor . By the time I went in I was sure that I was just making it up and I didn 't actually need to go . But , the doctor said I had a fever , my asthma was off the charts and I should be there , so I guess it 's good I went . He gave me four prescriptions , a shot of steroids , a breathing treatment and the admonishment to come back in 10 - 12 days to make sure my ear infection ( I haven 't had an ear infection since I was a kid ) was under control . I also am to take tomorrow off . I have been avoiding taking off tomorrow b / c it 's my Springtown music therapy day . I needed to buy grain and I needed to work tomorrow . This mean that I have to make up the day in a few weeks , which I hate doing ! I keep thinking I can have a real schedule and see everyone on time and it 's just not happening . GRRRR . I sent Springtown my doctors note . I 'm blogging about it . Hopefully , they 'll KNOW I 'm not a faker . I even downloaded music and made some cd 's today , anticipating not being able to sing tomorrow , but I guess I 'll have that for next time . And there are still rumors circulating that Deli is still lame . I 'm home sick , so I can 't prove it one way or another , and Cat says she looks fine . It 's so stressing me out . I don 't know if I am in denial , if there 's nothing wrong with her , but Nicole is seeing things , or if she 's always looked this way . I just don 't know . She 's fat with the baby , so her rear end looks weaker than usual . I suppose it could be changing her overall balance . I just know that a month ago Deli was Nicole 's favorite school horse and now she 's not and there is not reason for her not to be ridden . I used her 10 days ago and she looked great . She 's still a little gimpy on her front right , but tons better after the shoes . I even called my vet in a state of paranoia , who reassured me of what we found that day . She said that since she 's been laid off for the last month she 's likely to not be as strong as she was when she was ridden Posted by Peter came home and told me that he feels bad too . I told him he wasn 't allowed to be sick b / c it was my turn to be taken care of and if he gets sick then I end up taking care of both of us . I said this tongue in cheek , but there is some truth in it . . . It seems like every time I get sick , he follows suit . I 'm sure it 's that he gets my bugs , but it 's so inconvenient when we are both sick . Just once I 'd like to be the only sick one in the house and have someone take care of me ! I 'm really not trying to sound hateful , but I know , reading my own words it sounds really hateful . I just want the chance to be pampered and cared for occasionally . . . I 'm so tired of being sick . I feel terrible and I want it to go away ! I 'm not sure I 'm going to be ready to go tomorrow . I need to go back to work , but I feel so crummy . It may be time for a doctor . I have to get out tomorrow . I have to pay for the farrier and I need to see a few clients . I just don 't hardly have the energy to move . So , I guess I 'll make tomorrow a light day and just do what is necessary and no more . I have to go to Springtown on Thursday . I so need some new material . I 'm bored with myself and my music strategies . It 's time for something new . I have that cold I 've been avoiding . I have really been lucky and stayed healthy , but now I 'm sick . I started getting sick on Thursday last week , but I didn 't start to feel really bad until I was on my way home last night from the CTR . I canceled all my activities for today and for tomorrow . I 'm going to stay in and just try to feel better . I even was lucky enough to have someone bring Maggie home and they are picking her up before school tomorrow . Tuesday will be a similar day and I hope to sleep and watch TV for most of it . Maggie did great at the CTR . She came in 5th again ( well I guess that 's really last , but she doesn 't care ) She and Brody had a great time . She 's going to ride him again in two weeks at the next CTR . She and Jena had so much fun riding , swimming and just playing with the other kids . It was a good w / e , even though I was sick . I discovered that Freeley is really not suited to riding safety . It made him nuts to have follow and never catch the last rider in line . He wanted to catch up and while he was never uncontrollable , he wasn 't really good either . He kept trying to get up the next riders hindend and was only happy once they were truly gone for good . On the other hand , I rode him alone for one of the first times ever and he was fantastic . It was so nice to have my buddy out there on the trail . I found that I enjoyed not talking , just riding and enjoying the day . We brought home a little puppy for the day for my friend Karen . Her son picked her up this evening and Maggie is still missing her . She was cute , a little miniature pincher . She will be for my friend 's son 's birthday . She was a lot of fun and my big guys were actually quite nice to her . I was very surprised they were so good . Frankie wanted to play , but I kept a close eye on him . Hopefully I 'll get to feeling better and be back to riding by Wednesday . I need to play with Liberty some more . Nicole said she had Deli out today and that she looked lame and wouldn 't track to the left in the round pen . I wasn 't there , so I don 't know what was gPosted by I am in between activities for the moment and just want to sit . I have read my email , should start on supper , need to start packing the truck for the next great adventure . I keep hoping for a completely free weekend to just sit and enjoy the cooler weather . . . only it hasn 't gotten cooler and I 'm just too darn busy . No word back yet from Crowley . I 'm not going to contact them again . I have enough work to do and I will do it well and hopefully not be overly stressed . I 'd love to have the paycheck and if they call me I will go , but I also like the idea of being able to clean my house and just be alone sometimes . Right now I 'm not home except when everyone else is . . . which is why I 'm just sitting here with my random thoughts for a few minutes . I have papers to write , assessments to do shortly too , so this will be short . . . unless I keep procrastinating . I worked with Liberty last night when I ran out to the barn . I went b / c Nicole had called to tell me that she couldn 't get Deli 's feet cleaned . Turns out it was just the pads that the farrier put in the shoes , not the hard clay she thought it was . I caught Liberty and longed him in the round pen . I worked on him giving his head to the sides and tried to teach him to disengage his haunches . Either I don 't teach that so well ( likely ) or he doesn 't like to do it . He almost reared up when I put pressure on him , but I popped him and asked for the disengagement again and after that he seemed to understand . He actually longes better than he disengages , which is interesting . Most younger horses learning to longe just move their butts over in my limited experience . Maggie went out to play with him today . She sent me a photo and he was in the barn which likely means that he pooped everywhere . I like him , but I 'm still not sure . Too tired tonight to be too excited ! OK , back to the trenches . I have slept almost all day today . I got up , took Maggie to school and then went to the grocery store . When I got back from the store , I did paperwork and lamented that I had to see clients all afternoon . I ended up rescheduling one of the clients . The other one never called me back . . . at least not till I had fallen asleep and couldn 't be reached . I slept 3 hours today and feel like I could go back to sleep any second . Tomorrow is a springtown day . I have a lot of paperwork to do this week too . I 'm just so pooped . I don 't know why except I think it could be all the ragweed . My asthma is wearing me out . I had about a half hour to work with Liberty today . He still isn 't getting into the herd , but they were coming by him closer and talking to him a bit today . They let him eat and drink without incident so that 's not a problem . It was hot and I was having trouble focusing , so I kept it short and sweet . I worked him in hand on the longe and over ground poles and cavelletti . I also worked on teaching him to move away from pressure on the ground sideways . He was great from the left , but was clearly clueless about handling him from the right . He tries very hard to please , but he didn 't know what I wanted him to do at all . I need to work with the dressage whip as well so I can give him better cues on the ground . He was jumpy today , looking for a herd of horses to be friends with and calling . Another boarder had her horses out and rode off and he called after them for a little while , but when the other horses didn 't call back he went back to work . I tied him to the trailer and brushed him and tried some saddles on him . Maggie 's english wasn 't the right size on him , so off to ebay it goes . My western was a little big , but not bad . Her western seems ok too . He didn 't seem small to me at Karen 's , but he does at home since I 've been riding Freeley . I won 't get to see him tomorrow , but I hope that I can get on him on Wednesday afternoon . I 'm still not sure about long term . He is a beautiful horse and I like him a lot . I can 't say I love him yet , but I have always been a fan of waiting to see . I know that I am being logical . Deli looks better than I expected when I began this journey with this horse . I 'm torn b / c I think he will be fantastic and I 'd like to work with him , but I worry about what I 'd do if this time next year I have 5 horses . I didn 't have 5 horses when I had 15 acres that was just mine . What if something happens at Jackie 's or she started making me pay what she charges now every month in board . . . I have it sweet , and I know it , but I can 't imagine paying for all of them full price . Anyway , it 's a lot to think about . Posted by This is a rant . . . if you don 't wish to read my rant , skip this post now . I experienced rejection today . I hate rejection . I have a client I 've been seeing for both music and massage therapy since May . I didn 't feel like I was a good music therapist for him and discussed it with his mom last week . We both agreed that he needed a different music therapist . He hits me when he doesn 't like what we 're doing . His mom says that I don 't hold his attention . It 's Ok , I don 't mind as I 'm tired of getting beat up on . However , we did agree that he likes my massages and I 'd keep doing that . I got an email today from the agency with a note from his mom saying that she wanted a different massage therapist , one who was punctual and could keep the same schedule each week . I was so angry since I do go the same time each week and I have been on time or early most weeks . . . She is the one who is inflexible . A few times I 've been to their house early before they get home from where they are . It seems to bother her that I don 't like her son hitting me . All in all , I 'm really relieved that I don 't have to go anymore , but what upsets me is that she had to blame me for her preference . If she had told the agency that she doesn 't like me and wants a new therapist , that wouldn 't bother me near as much as her making her preference my fault . She 's not able to just say " I don 't like Alice and I want a new therapist " she has to tell the people I work for that I am inadequate . Why do people do that ? why can 't people just be honest . She and I sat and talked for a good 20 minutes the other night . She had plenty of chance to say : I want a new therapist . I could have gone to the agency and said : she wants a new therapist . It seems like it 's really all about power with these folks . They not only want to dump you , they want to look like they 've been wronged in the process . I 've been over the conversation trying to figure out when the conversation from happy to sad happened . I thought we were bonding over a conversation in the dining room , and she was evidenPosted by Today Maggie worked the barn with Jena and Jennifer . . . it went OK , though there was some disagreement between the girls over who was working harder . Jena and Maggie had no fights and I was so proud of them . However , it felt like I kept losing Jennifer . Finally at the end of the day I told her I wasn 't very happy with her . I hate correcting someone else 's kid , but I know if my kid had been slinking off , I 'd have been pissed . I don 't think I was hard on her , but maybe I was . It 's hard to say with kids . I 'm proud of myself though , I didn 't lose my temper or anything . I 'm also really proud of Maggie and Jena . They worked really hard all day and they were nice to each other all day . On the subject of LIberty : I 'm iffy on the horse , only b / c Deli has been lame , but I 'm doing some corrective stuff with her . Maggie doesn 't want to give her up , but wants a horse to ride . He 's green , but I really like him . I just know that since I board ( especially since I board ) I don 't need 3 horses , a pony and a foal this time next year . Of course , I 'd love to have them all , but I don 't know what I 'll do . Maggie says that she doesn 't care about competing if she can 't compete on Deli … I can honestly say I don 't feel that way . I think it would be way better to donate Deli to a therapeutic riding center if I can 't get her ringbone under control ( our latest dx ) where she can do what she is good at ( taking care of kids ) and we can do what we enjoy . Ultimately , I don 't know how much of a choice Maggie will get . I mean , I hate to be mean to the kid , but she doesn 't really get the economics of keeping horses in the city and being able to accommodate them . I wish I could find someone who wanted to lease a nice broodmare . I hate that she 's had this trouble . I hate the thought of ditching her . I also hate the thought of keeping a lame pet for another 10 - 15 years . Sigh … Crowley schools called me back and they want to keep talking to me about the work there . That would be outstanding if I can get that all worked out . It wPosted by My poor yoga ball was the victim of a terrible feline crime . While escaping from the dog , she jumped on the ball , and tore a small hole in the ball . I heard the air rushing out from the other side of the room . maggie picked up the ball to examine it and the whole thing exploded in her hands . Bye , bye yoga ball . Today was a fun day . Maggie and I picked up Liberty from our friend Karen 's and brought him to New Ground Farms . We walked him around and gave him a bath and just played with him . . . or rather , Maggie played with him . She wouldn 't let me have him to play with him . Something about how he 's supposed to be her horse . Grumble , grumble . He was so funny . He wanted to be friends with the other horses , but they ran away from him . I expected him to be the one being chased , but they were running from him . He didn 't know what to make out of Zoe , the mini , or Arnold , the pot bellied pig . He 's such a good , sensible boy though . I think we 'll have a lot of fun training him . I had a nice , but short ride on Freeley . He was full of himself today . He bucked a few times and ran like a mad man . I made him angry trying to work on his sidepassing . He definitely is feeling his oats right now . I 'm glad he 's feeling better , but he was more manageable when his front feet hurt . Deli looked better today too as Liberty chased her through the field trying to be friends . Tonight we went out to dinner as a family and went to see Little shop of Horrors at Theater Arlington . I found out about it b / c I while I was at lunch the other day , I found out a friend of a friend 's boyfriend played the voice of the plant , so I was intrigued . His name Major Attaway and he was fantastic . I was talking to him on the phone b / c Darby , his girlfriend , said he had recently become a massage therapist and wasn 't sure where to work . I told him about DSSW and Darby told me about the musical at the theater . It was really fun to have something to do as a family , all of us . Tomorrow , I 'm taking Maggie to the barn early so that she , Jena and Jennifer can clean the barn . ThPosted by I was about to make a blog when my daughter 's dachshund , Cecilia , peed on me and my chair . . . so instead of posting about running , I was running away from the dog . Ugh ! I really dislike this dog and I would like to find her a new home . However , she 's lived with us for four years and she is the one my daughter loves best and I can 't bear to make maggie give her up . So , instead , I put up with having her pee on me . Yuck and double yuck . Tonight Maggie and I started her running program . Our friend Alexa showed her stretches to do and told her to start by walking from one end of the block to the other and then running the length of the block and then walking back home . We did this . I jogged it slow , got very tired , but made it , but recovered quickly . Maggie ran it faster than me , but had a harder time catching her breath . We are both terribly out of shape . Maggie commented that she was the one who needed conditioning , not the horse . This Sunday Maggie begins her new job . She 's going to be doing the barn with Jennifer a couple times per month . Well , that 's the long term plan . For now I know she 's working this weekend and I probably have her talked into the weekend of the 14th , but beyond that , who knows . She wants some Sundays off just to sit around ( don 't we all ) but I think it 's going to be good for her . I hadn 't realized how lazy she 's become . She 's not a huge TV watcher or a computer player , but she just doesn 't move a lot . In the last six months she 's gotten a lot bigger and her energy levels have just plummetted . I know that the only way to get past where she is is to get busy and be active , so I 'm kind of forcing the issue . It 's one of the reasons that I wanted her to go ahead and ride the next CTR . That is good exercise for her . I know that she won 't much like the barn cleaning , but since we 're getting Liberty , I figure she needs to be willing to work for it . I work very hard to afford the horses . I want her to understand that she needs to do the same too . I had another vet come out to see Deli this week to get a sePosted by Alot of stuff is going on . I just haven 't had time to sit down and write anything . Mainly I wanted to tell the story of Maggie 's CTR and how she finished it all by herself after I got pulled . She had a safety rider following her , but she did it all on her own . Boy , was I proud ! I also wanted to write a quick note to say Deli doesn 't have EPM . She is lame in both front feet and has ring bone on the right front . Not sure yet how that will affect us , but I do have the farrier coming to help me put it right tomorrow . There is more to tell . This is just the quick version . I am home sick today . I was supposed to see music therapy clients and instead I have been visiting the porcelain God on a regular basis . I think maybe I 'm done , but I feel weak and tired . I do NOT want to go out of town , and I 'm really happy that I " m only going as far as Cat 's friend , Susan 's tonight . She will be here in a bit and we 're going to load her truck and then go pick up my horses . . . well , Jackie 's horses , for the Bigfoot Boogie . It will be Jena 's and Maggie 's first ride . They are very excited . I 'm going to ride Skipper , Jackie 's foxtrotter . Maggie is going to ride Brody , one of her Quarter Horses . I had toyed with taking Freeley , but he 's still on antibiotic and therefore not legal to compete . . . besides , he still has the cut on his leg . I 'm really angry with myself today . I got talked into shoeing Freeley 's front feet . He has some rotation and per the vet , he recommended shoeing him to get it healed . HE thinks it won 't be long term , but that I should give it a chance to get better . I wasn 't going to shoe b / c I don 't like shoes . Today the farrier came and I guess he and Jackie got to talking and they called me and said they thought he needed shoes . Here I am home sick and I just didn 't have the energy to argue . I let them shoe him . Now I 'm just sick that I let them talk me into doing something I don 't really agree with . But it 's done . I 'll see if he 's anymore comfortable this way , but I just can 't see that I 've made the right choice and I 'm irritated with myself . I get tripped up b / c I know people who shoe and don 't shoe and they all have valid points . I think that it might help him to wear shoes , but I don 't want to be thought of us unenlightened . I get that shoeing long term is bad for the horses . I get that barefoot is best . But sometimes I 'm not sure that barefoot is best . But I can 't KNOW for sure . I only have the vet telling me what to do on one end and the barefoot advocates telling me what to do on the other end . I end up confused and stressed out in the middle . I 'm hoping these photos show up . . . if Not I 'll figure something out tomorrow . So , pardon the red x 's . I discovered that Maggie has an extraordinary sense of photography . She 's got a great idea . I had planned to write more about my riding and my day , but I " m pooped . I have to work tomorrow . It seems I will be on four days a week plus after school every day starting in another week . Money is a good thing . This is a photo of me and my friend Karen Haile working with Liberty , a half paso / half arab cross . I am looking at him to be a replacement for Maggie 's beloved Deli , who has a bad case of EPM and will never be able to compete again ( most likely ) He is young and it will be at least a year before she can compete him ( in the mean time she can ride Freeley or one of Jackie 's horses ) but I think he 'll be nice . I have a " deal " on him so that he is affordable . This is the first time he 'd been ridden in over a year and he was calm as could be . He 's got a great personality and is really sweet . I have discussed a time table for picking him up , but I am still reconciling if it 's a good idea or not . I suspect it is not , but I also can 't imagine her going without a horse to ride for who knows how long . Deli looked bad today . She was very wobbly on her hind end . I was not encouraged . She was sweet and kind as always and I hugged her tight . Joe is being mean to her . I suspect she 's been so mean to him for so long he 's getting back at her . I fed Freeley his antibiotics and had to fight Joe Bear off . I think that Zoe is taking his food . I wish that Jackie could find a home for her . That silly little mini keeps taking my pony 's feed ! |
This is a blog is first and foremost a blog about my journey with my sons autism . It 's also about my family and our day to day lives . Wednesday , April 30 , 2008 Just kidding , lol . I have to tell you about a funny in the store with Molly today . We were walking down the pet food isle and I noticed a cat toy . It was called " kitty nip flickers " . I told Molly because I thought it was a funny name . She said , " why would anyone want to flick cat nips ? " Lol . She was joking but it cracked me up . That 's when we started saying that each other flicked kitty nips . It was a weird round cat nip filled ring or something that cats are supposed to flick in the air . Too funny ! Poor guy , he 's been so miserable lately . It 's really been tearing my heart out . He felt a little better this afternoon . He got up , looked for movies and even thumped me a couple times and said , " Ah ah ahhhhhhhhhh " . That 's usually what he says when he 's happy and karate chopping me . He fell asleep on the couch this afternoon and tonight . Looks like another fun night on the couch for us . Oh well , he 's definitely worth it . I have this awful tickly cough . Parker hates it and keeps saying , " You 're done " . I have to repeat , " I 'm done " . He hates the ear drops and Tylenol suppositories he 's had to have . He keeps saying , " medicine all gone " . Please , any of you who read my blog and pray , pray that he 'll eat ok when the time comes . He 's so picky , I really worry about his eating . Sorry to sound like such a bummer , but it 's been one bummer of a week already . The one good thing is that his ears look somewhat better and he didn 't need a shot today . They want to check him again on Friday to see how it 's doing . Bobby stayed home today so he could help me take Parker to the dr . . I really thought he would put up a fight but he just looked pitiful . While we were in there he kept saying , " you 're not going to hurt me ? " . That just about broke my heart . Thank goodness they didn 't give him a shot . He hasn 't had one since he was 2 . I bet that explains the extra noise sensitivities lately . Poor guy . They had to give him an antibiotic shot since he wouldn 't take anything by mouth . He got so upset afterwards that he threw up in the room we were in . He wouldn 't drink anything today earlier . He tried a drink of coke in the van but that made him puke also . Fun fun . They are worried about him not drinking so I 've been pushing water . I think he 's doing OK . The only bad thing is that he 's lost 4 pounds in the last couple months . Anyways , he has to come back tomorrow to see if the antibiotics have started working . Pray he doesn 't have to have another painful shot . I bet I 'm going to have such a hard time getting him to the dr . 's tomorrow . I hope he doesn 't puke there again . Wow , we had some night last night . The kids and I slept in the livingroom so I could keep an eye on Parker 's fever . The cat found a moth and was up chasing it around and knocking things over . I had to get up at 1 and catch the stupid moth so the cat wouldn 't wake everyone up . Then , since I have a bad cold , I woke Parker up with my snoring and it really scared him . He plugged his ears for about a half hour . We finally got him in his own bed , gave him a tylenol suppository and we all got about 5 hours sleep . He won 't eat or drink anything . We have an appt . with the dr . today at one . I hope it 's a quick passing thing . He won 't take the chewables either . He won 't eat anything new . Thanks though . Parker has just been home a week or longer with a bad cold . Just as I think he 's getting better and I can send him to school , he gets a fever . To make matters worse he won 't take medicine . I tried but he threw it up . Then he threw up again . Now I can 't tell if he threw up from the medicine or if he 's got the flu . He wouldn 't eat much today and looked kind of down . I 'm sure it 's the flu but I 'm taking him in to the dr . tomorrow to make sure . Please keep him in your prayers . I was really upset about Parker so I went to hang out with my sister . Her son has diabetes so she knows what it 's like to have a child with a disability . It has to be so hard when it 's a life threatening one . She worries about her son constantly and I don 't blame her . She made me feel so much better . She reminded me that I needed to give my problems to God and not worry so much . That he would take care of everything in his time . I really needed to hear that . Today Parker is happy and playing with his monster trucks . I can 't worry about what the day will bring today . I 'm just going to have to enjoy it . God is in control . The whole 5 minutes we stayed there . It was at a really nice school with a baseball field and some nice playgrounds . The minute we got out of the van he plugged his ears with one finger and bent his shoulder to his ear to plug the other one . He got in 2 trucks but kept his ears like that . Molly was upset and I was disappointed for him . We drove 45 minutes just to go there . He kept whining that he wanted to go back to the van the whole time . We decided to leave and go to a neighboring town . That was nice and relaxing except for the wasp that flew into the ice cream parlor we were at . They are pretty hippy there and just said , " Oh , he 's just flying around . " Molly was freaking this time so we had to leave . Then we went to a cool shop they have there with toys and novelty things . We only stayed in there about 5 minutes because they were blowing up balloons and Parker didn 't like it . After that we went into a toy store next door . Parker liked that and got a monster truck for all his suffering , lol . After that we did some touristy things like going to the drive through tree , avenue of the giants and to see a giant tree . It was warm and beautiful out . Even though I was sad about Parker not enjoying himself , we had a nice time . I hope this ear plugging thing doesn 't continue forever . He just gets paralyzed with fear even before he hears any noise . Now we are home and getting ready to have pizza . What a nice day ! is hugging and loving on my kids . It just makes my whole day when Parker lets me snuggle him . Molly puts up a fight now , but it 's only for show . She loves to be cuddled . I always told her it made my heart grow bigger when I hugged her . MollyM : MarvelousO : OutgoingL : LovableL : LoonyY : Yell - er ( Loves to yell , lol , couldn 't think of anything for Y , but it fits ) She is 9 , will be 10 in August . She loves to sing and perform . You can hear her the loudest in her class during plays or singalongs . She wants to either be a teacher or a singer some day . She is very dramatic . She loves animals . She loves her brother . I had to stop her giving him " piggy " rides because it was hurting her back . She is a very social girl and loves being with friends . She loves swimming . She loves drawing , painting , and crafts . She loves High School Musical and Hannah Montana . She is very smart . She has a great memory . She is very caring and thinks of others feelings . She can 't stay away during a movie at home if she has a blanket . She loved " Bob the builder " when she was little . She loves to make you laugh . She has always wished she had brown hair instead of her beautiful blond hair . It 's because we all have brown hair . She has big blue eyes . We all have brown or hazel . Bobby 's are kind of hazel / blue . I love her so much . She is my sweetie pie and the best daughter ever ! I was really upset yesterday . I guess it 's frustrating to be a Mom and not be able to comfort your child when they are scared . Not be able to fix it in any way except to take them away from what 's scaring them . What do you do when it 's next to your own backyard ? I 'm afraid he 'll never want to play back there again . I hope this is just a phase and eventually he won 't think they neighbors are going to mow everytime he is back there . I was so excited for him to have a sandbox . Bobby 's been going to build one for a while . He hasn 't had time so I thought I came up with a good idea . Now it may just sit in the yard unused . I guess I shouldn 't be so negitive , I never know what tomorrow may bring . Maybe he 'll get over it . Here 's hoping ! The boy will just not listen to me when it comes to his fears ! Yesterday , a man was mowing our neighbors yard . It really freaked Parker out to the point that Bobby had to take him for a drive until the man left . Today the man was back . We had just bought Parker a big plastic pool and some sand to make a sandbox . He was excited about playing in it until he saw the man again . We asked him if he was going to mow and he said he was going to weedeat the lawn . He wanted to know why we were asking and I told him about Parker and his new sandbox . ( Parker is afraid of mechanical noises ) He decided to wait to weedeat until tomorrow so Parker could play in his sandbox . That was so nice of him . I told Parker the man was going to leave and not mow but he won 't believe me . He keeps plugging his ears with his fingers and he wont take them out . He won 't even play in the sandbox now . It 's so frustrating because his fear is so deep that he won 't take my word for it . I don 't know what to do with him . What can I do about this ? He won 't wear earphones . I 'm just stumped . Parker and I are both sick with colds but that won 't stop us . We are off to the mall in a minute . ( Did I mention that the mall is Parker 's favorite place in the world ) Nothing makes you feel better than a little fun . I also promised him we would go to old town and look at boats . He just loves that ! What I hate though , is dodging the homeless people . Why do they hang out by the cold bay ? I don 't think that 's where I would want to hang out . Anyways , we are off . Everyone have a nice day and a nice weekend . I was looking on a site I get on frequently , and I came across this post . http : / / www . autism - pdd . net / forum / forum _ posts . asp ? TID = 26233 & PN = 1 This is a problem that Parker is having as well . There was a quote on that post from someone very knowledgeable . It really sent a jolt to my heart . It said that it is a sign of a neurological problem . How is it that I always see Parker as just a typical child . I think I see him as a child that will just catch up . How come I don 't see him as a child with neurological delays . It was really strange to think about that . I think sometimes I just see autism as a social kind of disorder . It really made me stop and think . Sometimes I think he just being stubborn with things but maybe it 's really hard for him . We are going to have to work on games that include crossing the mid - line as much as we can . He hasn 't picked which hand he will write with yet . His OT thinks it would be easier to just make him right handed . Other people think it will be better for him if we let him choose . I 'm still up in the air about it . I was thinking about how unique everyone is and it got me thinking about Parker 's uniqueness . He has a very large vehicle video collection . He remembers trucks he 's had from a long time ago . Watch it if you put one up . He can withstand loud noises if it 's something to do with trucks . He doesn 't like toothpaste on his toothbrush . He likes his oreo 's opened . He only likes one type of pringles . He has a love / hate relationship with Santa . He has more than 2 whole bookshelves full of books , mostly about trucks . He doesn 't like people yelling at cats , lol . He thinks couches were made for jumping off of . He never met a bed he didn 't like . He doesn 't mind getting into beds of other people . He is more afraid of little dogs than big dogs . He loves going to yard - sales but thinks they all contain truck movies or books and is very disappointed when they don 't . He mostly only likes to wear sweatpants . He will do anything almost for a new truck . He likes to let you hug him backwards . His sister stresses him out with her dramatic - ness . He likes to smell his food before he eats it . He will only eat french fries at the zoo . He has a large truck shirt collection . He has a toy cafe in his room with a MacDonald 's play set inside . He has a large collection of blankets . He hates drawing , coloring or cutting . He has not decided which hand he prefers yet . He may be ambidextrous or maybe he just doesn 't know yet . He has come a long way since his autism diagnosis . He is his Mommy 's little angel ! What makes your child unique ? ( I 'll write about Molly next time . ) Me that is ! My sweet little angel is cranky and bored . I let him watch monster truck videos on you - tube , but he thinks they should be endless and new all the time . Then I let him help me make fudge . He cried when I told him not to touch the pan because it was hot . He didn 't want it to be hot . Then he got mad when he discovered it was fudge and not chocolate chip cookies . Then he wanted to help me wash dishes . He got mad because I wouldn 't let him put his monster truck in to wash until the dishes were done . Then he accidentally dumped a glass of soapy water on the floor . He got upset and ran into the living room . He is cranky and it 's been wearing on me . He 's watching a fire truck video now and eating sausage . He is a happy boy for the moment . I 'm trying to get this house cleaned why he is content . No wait , I 'm on the computer , lol . Well , I 'll get off here in a minute and clean it . He really needs to go to school tomorrow . I have my counseling appt . , my Dr . appt . , need to pay bills and then in the evening go to our disabilities group . Please pray he feels better tomorrow . Plus , he is driving me batty , lol ! He has been out of school all week with a bad cold . It 's killing me , lol ! He was off most of last week because of spring break , now he is home with a cold . He is going back tomorrow because he seems fine other than a runny nose . He has a little cough , but barely any . Tomorrow I have two appointments and I can 't take him . One is to the Dr . to see what is going on with me . I hate going to the Dr . . This week I bought Parker a new pair of shoes . He swore they felt fine and they were the ones he wanted . I tried to put them on him at home and he says they hurt . I looked at them and the white part is all scuffed from him wearing them at the mall . I guess I can 't take them back now . Yesterday I bought him a different pair of shoes , with a lower back and a smaller size . He likes them but won 't try them on just yet . Everything with Parker takes time . He 's very happy today . His " Cat in the hat " movie came in the mail today . He just loves that movie . I got the " Simpson 's movie " . That movies just cracks me up ! I hope everyone has a nice day ! I don 't even know if I should be sharing this one here , but oh well . I 'm blogging about my life so I might as well include it . I woke up this morning with some bad t . o . m . issues . I went to ER this morning with my sister . They can 't figure out what 's wrong so I 'll have to follow up with my dr . I feel really cruddy and have just been laying around today . Bobby is doing such a great job of handling everything . He is the best husband . Parker is still sick and whiny , so that makes things hard . I hope things clear up on their own in a few days . I 've never had anything like this happen before . It was pretty scary . I can list some of the things : - letting the kids play on the bed - letting the cats lay on our beds - eating on the bed ( see a pattern here ) - not putting the garbage bag on right - spending too much money - all the extras I have on the computerThere are more but that 's all I can think of right now . He is a very sweet guy . The things that bug him are not many . Here 's what bugs me about him : - doesn 't wipe counters after doing dishes - doesn 't put the dishes away like I do ( I don 't complain to him , only in my head ) - takes up the coat rack with all his sweatshirts - really rubs it in if he wins me at a game - always beats me at checkers and I mean always - puts Christmas dishtowels on the bar when it 's not even ChristmasThere are more , but not as many as most people have about their husbands . He is a great guy and usually always helps me and picks up after himself . I was just thinking about all this today when I put garbage in the garbage can and the bag was sliding down . I know he 'll complain so I better take the garbage out myself . Anyone else want to add what bugs their husband or vice versa ? I can 't tell if it 's a cold or an allergy , but somethings brewing . He 's not eating well , his nose is running and he is coughing from time to time . Poor guy . I thought cold season was over . I 'm bummed because that may mean no respite tonight . I 'll see how he feels this afternoon , but I don 't think much will change . Tomorrow we were supposed to go to an autism meet - up . ( I can 't remember what it 's called , I think it 's families supporting families ) . It 's going to be at our local skating rink . I don 't really think that 's a great place for kids with autism , but with the weather I think they had to pick something enclosed . Parker really doesn 't like going there at all . People have birthday parties there a lot and he never wants to go in . I was going to at least try so I could connect with some of the parents . This summer when they had a meet up at the park , I couldn 't really talk to many other parents . Parker would not leave the sandbox and most of the parents were sitting at the picnic tables . Bummer . Anyways , unless it rains Saturday and Bobby doesn 't have to work , I 'll be missing it . Oh well , I know they will have other get togethers . I really wanted respite tonight though , with Parker being out of school this week . Maybe she won 't mind a little cold ? I think she will . She has other kids to watch and can 't afford to be sick . Here 's hoping it 's just an allergy . I decided to tone down my blog a little . It was getting to bright and colorful for me . I liked it for a while , but I think this will be easier to stick with . If anyone wants to say hi and show that they stopped by , that would be great . I love seeing who checks out my blog . I hope everyone is having a great day . I think I may be coming down with something . It could just be allergies . I don 't know , but my eyes , head and body aches . Here 's hoping it 's no big deal . Parker 's been bored and full of energy today . I feel like I have no energy . This spring break is killing me , lol . Gotta go , Parker wants to watch monster trucks on you tube again . Tonight was a boring , nothing to do night . We sat around , watched t . v . , watched you tube videos , and ate . Boring ! Later , Molly and I were eating Cheerios 's out of the box . ( It was the end of the box , mind you . ) We left the box on the coffee table and watched a couple you tube videos . Parker must have got bored of the videos because he sat down to play with some toys . All of a sudden I noticed that he had the Cheerios box . I thought , " Uh oh , he 's going to spill them on the floor . " Then I saw him reaching in the box and pulling some out . I got excited for a minute and thought maybe he was eating them . The boy who doesn 't like new things was eating Cheerios 's again ! Wait ! That 's not what he was doing . . . . . Take a look at what I found . . . . Rats ! I would have even let him eat them off the cat , lol ! Molly and I just thought this was hilarious , as did Parker ! Funny boy ! All that cleaning and the guy didn 't leave the living room . I even cleaned my fridge , microwave and bathtub . Unfortunately or fortunately , Parker is doing too well to qualify for services . I 'm happy and not . The money would have been nice but I am so happy for how far he 's come . I wouldn 't trade that for all the money in the world ! Right now he is working with his aba people to poop on the potty . He sat on there for a long time today . I 'm so proud of him . Usually it 's like two seconds and he wants down . He also cut some strips of paper today . I 'm so happy for him and proud ! Should my house be spotless or should it be sloppy to show that I need help , lol . I 'm not really sure what this appointment entails and what I should do . Oh well , I 'm cleaning the house like a madwoman . I 've been thinking about going back to college next year . I 'm not sure what I 'm doing , but I want to do something . Thinking about college reminds me of someone I met in a psychology class when I was in college before . Bobby and I has just met and I was planning on being a alcohol / drug counselor . ( Too depressing and too much college ) . To get to the point , there was a lady in class who had a child with autism . Back then I would think , how can she even smile or be happy when she has a child with autism at home . I imagined how hard it would be and that I didn 't think I could ever manage that , let alone be happy about it . I remember how much she said she loved her son and I thought she must be making it up because it would be hard to love someone with autism . Now I was only 20 at the time , with no kids . How could I ever had of imagined what life would bring . And how could I have thought that a child of mine with autism would be hard to love . Parker is the easiest guy in the world to love . I loved him from the minute I saw him . He is my angel and the sweetest guy you would ever meet . I thought about that lady all the time when I was in college and listened to everything she said . For some reason I was so interested in what went on in her life . It 's strange to think back on that . You know what else is weird , when I was pregnant with Parker I kept checking out books from the library about kids born with special needs . I guess with all the miscarriage 's I had , I thought something might happen . Strange . I said I was going to try not to , but today feels right , lol . It 's dreary out , everything is wet and I 'm without chocolate . I 'm also whining because Parker hates brushing his teeth and getting his hair combed . Every morning it 's the same fight . He doesn 't like the toothpaste , toothbursh or his hair being wet . You 'd think he 'd be used to it all by now . On the funny side , I saw this today and it cracked me up ! Myspace Graphics http : / / www . abcdistributing . com / home / catalog / cat _ item _ pg . asp ? G = 558 & P = 8 & Rec = 8 & N = 35 + 4294965767 & Nao = 0 & R = 440020 - 6KDS - - - 2I love Kool - Aid pitchers ! I bought a clear one on ebay a couple years ago . I think I still have a picture of Parker trying it out . I found one , yay ! Here is one from 2005 . First off I will post a picture of my cat Daisy . I didn 't include her in the last batch of pictures and she was very angry , lol . I had to touch her up a little as she wasn 't looking her best today . The kids are in school , the laundry is almost done and I 'm wasting time on the computer . I made a list of things I 've been putting off so now I want to do at least one of those . I hope everyone has a great day . Not much new to talk about today . Today the weather is glorious ! I 'd say it 's 70 degrees out today . This morning we went yard - saling with my mom . I didn 't get anything , but the kids got a bunch of stuff they didn 't need . I just couldn 't find anything I wanted . Here are the pics from mine and Parker 's time outside . ( Molly is at the river with her friends family today ) I call this one , " A boy in the grass . " Lol ! Here is Jack in the grass . Here is Pepper outside . Here is Parker , preparing to hear noise when I opened the door . He was afriad there would be lawnmower noises . ( hence why our lawn looks like a jungle right now ) . I feel like a bad cat Mom since I didn 't include a picture of Daisy . I 'll have to find one for the next post . I hope everyone is having a beautiful sunny day ! Sweet dreamsLast night Molly tucked Parker in with a bunch of stuffed animals . He liked it and kept them on him all night . He looked so cute and peaceful when I checked on him . Molly is such a sweet sister , she is always doing nice things like that for him . She did it again tonight . Today I cleaned like a mad woman . I 've been lazy lately and needed to catch up . Yesterday I got a bunch of new cleaning supplies . It 's silly but they make me happy . It 's nice to clean when you have some new things to use . I also got some nice candles . I like the " Glade scented oil " candles . I wanted my house to smell and look nice . One other splurge was to buy some daffodils . They were on sale and looked really pretty . It 's so nice to see them in my kitchen . I hope everyone had a nice day . My sister Ronda is very special to me . She has always been there for me . She has even been like a mother to me when I was young . She is 12 years older than me but we have always been close . One of my favorite memories as a child was when I had the chicken pocks . Ronda wanted to make me feel better , she 's just that way , and she gave my Cabbage patch doll a makeover . She was stained and her hair was messy . She cleaned her up to almost new , sewed up her foot , did her hair and made her and I matching dresses . It is such a sweet memory for me . I know that it made me so happy . She also made me the best Strawberry Shortcake Halloween costume . It had a hat and everything . I thought I had the best costume in the whole school . She has always done things like that for me . She was the first one to give me a baby present , the day I announced I was pregnant with Molly . She was the second person I called , my Mom being the first . She now is that way with my kids . She is always doing something sweet and special for them . She 's made them blankets , Halloween costume 's , taken them places , and even made Molly and her doll matching dresses like she did me . She means the world to me and I hope she knows it . It 's funny , we have different Dad 's but we look a lot alike . We also have a lot of the same interests . Our most important things in life besides God and our husbands are our children . Family is most important to us . As an adult , we are not only sisters , but friends . Her kids , husband and step kids also mean the world to me . They are all smart , sweet and caring . Tonight as I think about her and her family , I feel very blessed . One funny thing happened yesterday . I went through the car wash . As soon as I got through I remembered my " autism awareness " magnet that I ordered off the Internet . I had a feeling it might have fell off . I stopped just past the blow drier and parked the van . I saw that no one was coming so I walked in the dripping car wash to find my magnet . As soon as I stepped in the dryers started going . It freaked me out and I ran back . What a dork . I asked the manager if he could look for it for me later . I checked back today and he found it for me . I was so happy . The second thing happened when I picked Parker up from head start . When I walked in Parker kept pointing to something and saying , " What 's that ? " . I didn 't know what he was talking about until his aid informed me . He was asking that about a really tall guy picking up his child . I guess for the last 5 minutes he had been pointing and asking loudly what that guy was . It was funny and embarrassing . I quietly said , " it 's a guy " and he repeated , " It 's a guy " . What a nut . I 've had a long day today . Shopping , taking Parker to the mall and then visiting my niece that just had her baby . Parker had a great time at the mall . We did Parker things . We went to the arcade , the toy store , the book store and to the playground . I 'm beat ! We had a meeting with Parker 's head start teacher today , to decide about next year . Parker also goes to an autistic preschool . I learned today that Parker is doing so good that his academics are way above the other kids at head start . Granted , he are older , but he does have autism . I was so proud of him ! They said he was making all his goals , making friends and listening well . He answers questions at circle time and is just doing great . They said they wish they could keep him for another year . Unfortunately he is older than the kids in his head start class so he 'll have to go to a different head start next year . Everyone just had such great things to say about him . They said he picks things up fast and is adapting so well . For some reason , as happy and proud as I was , I felt sad . I can 't really explain it . I guess I feel weird when things are going too well . Or maybe I know that grade school might not go as well for him . I really don 't know what it was . He is 5 , and he waits until I am kneeling down on the floor . Once I 'm on the floor picking something up , resting or bending over , he will pounce . He will pounce and land on my back , stand on the backs of my legs or jump on me . He even gets a running start and bounces a few times . If he wasn 't 68 pounds it wouldn 't be bad , but he is getting heavy . When I 'm laying on my bed , couch or floor and I see him coming , I have to get up fast . He will be knocking the wind out of me before I know it . I laugh about this now , but soon it will be really painful . It 's just so funny how he stalks me or Molly . His absolute favorite victim is Molly . She just loves it though . Today I was sitting at the table wondering why my back hurt . Then I remembered , Parker plopped down on my back and bounced when I was on the floor putting his movies away . Time to find a new game . Oh , and we taught Parker something new , we are just so proud . When we point at one of the cats , and ask him what we are pointing at , he now says , " It 's a stupid cat " . He learned it mostly from Bobby . We are so proud , lol . ( Flylady , a website dedicated to cleaning your house and organizing it . Www . flylady . org I think . The first step is to take everything out of your sink and shine it . I will do that first thing in the morning . The next step is to make sure you get dressed and put on tennis shoes every morning when your ready to clean . I do that already because I wear tennis shoes almost every day , aside from my red Mary Jane type shoes . The next step is to make your bed every morning . I do that almost every morning , but not always . That is something I will start again . So , for now those are my steps . It helps me to stay focused if I post it . Then it 's like I 've said it out loud and I have to stick to it . Flylady works in baby - steps . These 3 are not hard , Monday I 'll start another step . ( even though you are supposed to work on each step a while before starting on the next one ) Boy , was that yardsale tiring . I don 't think it was worth the 35 dollars we made . My back , feet and legs are hurting now . I don 't feel like I can move an inch . Our yardsale didn 't look very good today . I was mowing the lawn on Friday when our lawnmower ran out of grass . I only got one half of our yard mowed . It looked very white trash , lol . Then , later , it started to rain and I had to hustle and cover everything up . Whine whine whine . Parker was a pill today too . He kept getting into everything and coming outside without shoes on . In fact , we can 't find his shoes . I don 't know if he lost them in the grass or put them in one of his toys . We 've looked everytwhere for them . Last night Bobby and I fell asleep on the couches . We didn 't wake up until 2am and then had to go to bed . That really sucked . We were tired this morning . I 'm so glad Bobby is home now . He is such a big help . He is a great husband . He is going to put the yardsale stuff way for me . I don 't think I could move that much . Now dinner is cooking , the kids are busy and I 'm happy . I 'm wondering if the bus is too loud for him . The driver asked him if he wanted the radio off , and that didn 't help . I 'm not sure what is going on with him . I talked to his teacher and we might send a comfort item with him for the bus . I feel bad that the poor guy has to plug his ears for 15 minutes . I 'm supposed to have a yard sale tomorrow . That means I have to mow the lawn , lug out a ton of stuff and go through stuff in the house . I don 't know if I 'm up for that . The weather tomorrow is iffy also . I might have to re - think that one . I drew a picture for it . http : / / artpad . art . com / artpad / painter / I hope it works . It 's really fun . Check it out ! Bummer , after I posted this it didn 't work . Oh well , it 's a link to the site . I 'm going to quit complaining today ! Today is going to be a great day . I am going to try and not complain about anything or be negative today . Life is good . The kids are at school . The house is fairly clean . I have on my favorite shirt . The kids were very happy this morning . I got them a bag of action figures / vehicles / happy meal toys at a thrift store yesterday . Yes , this is stuff I normally throw out , but Parker saw the bag and had to have it . I knew that it would keep both kids entertained , playing together , and happy for a while . They both dug into and found things they liked . This morning we were almost late because I couldn 't get them to stop playing with the stuff . It makes me so happy because they are interacting and really enjoying each others company . I 'm glad I got it for them . Everyone have a great day ! ( Ronda , keep a hold of your wolf today , lol ) I am so frustrated with Parker 's eating habits . It makes it really hard on all of us . He only has about 15 foods he likes and it 's hit and miss with them . Right now he eats about a bag of goldfish crackers a day . ( Only the rainbow ones will do ) I have a hard time getting him to eat anything else but sausage , chicken bites or taco meat and shredded cheese . He would live on that diet if I let him . He won 't eat any vegetable . The only fruits he will eat , off and on , are strawberries , banana 's and apples . He won 't take a vitamin . He won 't take any medicine , I have to put it in his drink . It 's hard . We plan our meal and then try and figure out what to feed him . We are working with his OT to try and help him but it 's a slow process . The good thing is that he will put foods up to his mouth or smell them . Some people with autism won 't even do that . He smells everything he eats . He is very stuck on certain brands of things . We are working to change that . We are slowly adding something of a different brand , etc . I hope that as he ages his eating improves . Some things he ate when he was 2 , he won 't eat anymore . He just looks at things and says he doesn 't want to eat them . He also goes through phases with what he will eat . For a while he wanted Chicken Top Ramon soup every day , sometimes twice a day . Now he won 't touch the stuff . Packing a lunch for school is really hard . There isn 't much I can pack him that he likes . The only day he really eats is when we send him taco meet and shredded cheese . The other days I send him salami and cheese or chili . Half of the time he won 't eat anything in his lunch . I 'd love for him to eat a hot lunch but I think it will be a while before that happens . Well , I just had to vent a little . People think it 's so easy to just make him eat something but that is not true at all . He will puke , cry , throw a fit and just plain refuse to eat anything . I do not want to get into that battle . Anyways , that 's enough of my bellyaching for the day . Everyone have a great day ! For some reason I feel cranky today . I 'm tired , irritated with driving , and just plain blah . I drove all over today and I am sick of driving ! I drove to the college town near by and wanted to run over a ton of people , lol . There are lots of one way streets and people walking everywhere . Grrrr ! My Mom was cranky today too and being a backseat driver . She makes me nervous when I drive and watches my every move like a hawk . Grrrr ! Now I 'm home and I have a ton of laundry to do . I just want to take a bath and go to bed . It 's not bedtime yet so I 'll just have to tough it out . Glitterfy . com - Glitter Graphics I cannot believe it ! I was taking a test this morning because I felt sick and the positive sign popped up ! I am just freaking out ! Bobby is not too happy . Ok , now I 'm scared ! Look down at the bottom of this post to see my due date . . . . . . APRIL FOOLS ! Do you guys think I 'm crazy ! I am a 3o something year old married mother of 3 . I have a great life and I thank God everyday for the life I have . This blog is about our life and Parker 's autism . |
I am a Christian , writing , and running mama . I write and I run to keep my sanity and to be a better wife and mama to my family . Join me in my discombobulated journey as I try make sense of the chaos and find the balance of being a stay at home mom ( SAHM ) with 4 kids ! Last year was the one year that I kept my New Year 's Resolution . It was to lose the baby weight leftover from Boogs and Bug and to hopefully become pregnant with number three . Since I 'm due in February , I think it 's a pretty good indicator that I met my goals . As I look to the next year here are my new goals ( not necessarily in this order ) : In the past , I would set up a goal and it would probably fall to the wayside before the end of the month . Last year was the first time I kept my goal in sight . Probably because I was utterly frustrated with my weight ( I 'm a self - proclaimed big girl ) and as much as I wanted another baby , I wanted to be at a healthy weight first so that I would have an easier pregnancy . Last year I had one goal . This year it looks like I have at least four . I will work on each one . Hopefully I will remember to look back at this post in a year and see how I 've done . I 'm 34 weeks along . I saw the doctor on Monday and everything looks and sounds good . I 'm still having contractions now and again and she wants me to continue taking the medication that stops them . However , at 35 weeks ( that 's next week ! ) she said that they won 't try to stop the contractions and I can have the baby . I keep saying that I am under no delusion that this baby will arrive early after he 's tried so hard to get out into the world . I 'm sure that my due date will come and pass and he 'll stay right where he is . However . . . . I am a teensy bit worried that he 'll decide to make his appearance at 35 weeks . The only reason why I 'm worried is that Hubby is leaving for a business trip for a few days next week . Hubby is really anxious that I 'll go into labor without him . He keeps telling me I 'll have to rest next week while he 's gone . He seems to have forgotten that he 'll be gone next week and I 'll be pulling double duty . I 'll do my best since I certainly don 't want to go into labor without him . I 've got the childcare part covered . I 've got a few friends and family that will be available at different times in the day or night that can take care of the kids . However , I don 't have a backup labor coach . Anybody up for the gig if Hubby is gone ? I 'm kidding . . . sort of . . . . . . Last Sunday , my family went to my parents ' church . My brother was in town and my dad was playing the drums with the worship team . Hubby and I thought it would be nice to attend a church service with them and it has been years since all of us have attended a church service together . On the way home from church Boogie proclaimed that Christmas is his favorite holiday . Hubby and I looked at each other and smirked thinking it was because of all the presents . Of course we asked why Christmas was his favorite holiday . Here was his response : Well you 're supposed to make God # 1 . If God is # 1 then the day He was born is very important . Jesus was born on Christmas day so it 's the most important holiday . That 's why Christmas is my favorite holiday . So much has happened in the last week and most of them in the form of Christmas blessings . It 's hard to say where to begin , but I 'll give it my best shot . First off , this year has been great . I got all of the shopping done at least two weeks before Christmas and all of the presents wrapped before Christmas Eve . This is amazing , since every year I 'm up until midnight the on the 23rd wrapping gifts and preparing them for our huge family get together on Christmas Eve at my SIL 's house for Hubby 's side of the family and then I 'm up until midnight on Christmas Eve finishing the wrapping for our kids and my side of the family . This year the bourbon balls were made well ahead of time and I made enough to give away this year . All of these are great accomplishments and made for a more stress free preparation time for Christmas . On Wednesday I texted my brother ( who lives in another state ) to confirm his address . He called me back and told me he was coming home for Christmas this year . The first time in over 3 years . It was a surprise for my mom and was a complete surprise for me , too . That was awesome ! I was really excited to see him and I knew my kids would love to see him , too . Since we moved into the neighborhood a few years ago I 've been making cookies for all of the neighbors . It 's my way of getting to know them better and a way for the kids to share the Christmas spirit . This year ( again on Wednesday ) the neighbor across the way brought over cookies and our next door neighbors gave us cookies . That 's really nice ! Again on Wednesday , Hubby started his Christmas vacation early and came home after a half day of work . He was able to see Boogie perform in his monthly preschool sing and then later in his Christmas play . Boogs was bouncing off the walls that Daddy was there to see all of his performances . Another Wednesday blessing , on the way home from Boogie 's performances , I realized I had not taken any meat to defrost for dinner and I was racking my brain for what I was going to serve my family on our usual whirlwind Wednesday . Fortunately , Hubby was taking them to their dance class to give me a break , but I still needed to make dinner . I came home to find a phone message waiting for us and it was another family from our Church who called to ask if they could bring dinner over that night . Dinner solved ! She very graciously prepared a yummy , family friendly dinner . She happens to live just down the street from where the kids were taking their dance lessons . So in between lessons , Hubby picked up the food . When he brought it home it was still warm , smelled delicious , and we scarfed it down happily . We are so grateful for their generosity . It couldn 't have come on a better day . Thursday we went out to dinner with my side of the family and saw my brother . We haven 't seen him since May and to see him two times in one year is pretty fantabulous . It 's usually several years between visits . We had a fabulous Christmas Eve with family . I love that my sister - in - law has taken over hosting Christmas Eve at her house . In the past Hubby 's great - aunt used to host a similar open house . When she passed away several years ago , my SIL took up the tradition . It 's a great time and the kids love getting dressed up and seeing their cousins . We attended Christmas Eve Mass with family . My other SIL is the children 's choir director for her parish . We go to her parish every Christmas Eve to listen to our nieces and nephews sing . Of course we always arrive a little late and it 's hard to find seats . This year we sat with the children 's choir as there was a little bit of room for us . Boogie desperately wanted to sing with them and was disappointed that he couldn 't . However , when they sang , " Go Tell it On the Mountain " on stage , he stood up in his seat and very clearly , loudly and full of confidence sang it with them complete with hand motions . It was so sweet and the parishioners that could hear him nudged each other and smiled . His innocence and his passion was so wonderful to see . It was the favorite part of my night . Christmas Morning , when Boogie was asked who brought him presents he said , " Mommy , Daddy , and Buggy . " We asked who else ( Meaning Santa ) and he said , " No one else . " So it looks like we 've done our job and he knows that Jesus is the reason for the season . While he still believes in the concept of Santa Clause , it 's as if he knows that Santa is an accessory and a part of Christmas , but not Christmas itself . I 'm okay with that . Christmas Day , again time with my side of the family , made that much better with my brother 's presence . A bonus was getting to Skype with our Filipino relatives who are still in the Philippines . We were able to meet them and talk to them . We 've all seen pictures , but I was two the last time I saw anyone . My mom was able to talk to her side of the family . We also came home to find a tin of Christmas treats on our porch left by a friend . Thanks L . ! The was a pretty wonderful for Christmas . I was reminded of the goodwill of others . Gifts of food and treats . The love of family . This year I was able to fully celebrate with both sides of our family . I was worried about my brother spending Christmas alone , although I know he has many friends who would have taken him in . But this was wonderful and perfect . I enjoyed watching Christmas unfold through the eyes of my children . I am grateful that God sent his only Son to come down from heaven to be His gift for us . I pray that we all carry the Christmas spirit of love and goodwill to others throughout the year and not just at Christmas . Merry Christmas ! Conversations take place around the house . Sometimes I am part of them , sometimes they are between the kids . This is what has been said in the last week : Boogie : Buggy , you 'll be a mommy soon ( said as she is playing with her baby doll ) . Well not soon . A long time from now . Definitely before you 're 21 . I 'm 33 weeks pregnant ( the doctor finally moved up my due date and it looks like I should go around Feb . 7th . ) I 'm hormonal and emotional . I 'm given to bouts of weepiness , but fortunately , not for long periods of time . And I 'm exhausted . Despite all of this , I feel pretty good . I 'm excited , jubilant , and filled with anticipation . But as far as pregnancy goes , something can be said and the tears will come . It 's really nothing more than exhaustion and the emotional stress that comes with it because I am so tired . But sometimes I just need a few minutes by myself to cry . Get it out and then I 'm fine . But having a husband and two children , I have very little time to myself . This past weekend , I just needed to let it out . I went upstairs to let the tears flow and my sweet Baby Bug followed me . I try not to cry in front of the kids . . . I don 't want them to worry and really it 's nothing more than sheer exhaustion . But Bugs followed me , hugged my belly , patted my arm , and made soothing shushing noises . Then she said , " It 's okay Mommy . I 've got you . I 've got you , Mommy . All better now ? " How could I not be all better after her sweet comfort ? The phrase " I 've got you , I 've got you " is one she has heard from me a number of times . When she is tired and needs comfort , when she 's hurt herself , or feels an injustice has been made unto her by her brother , she turns to me . I hold her tight , I shush in her ears , and I say , " It 's okay , Baby . I 've got you . I 've got you . Mommy 's got you . I won 't let go . " She calms down and revels in my love for her . It 's nice to know that it 's comforting to her and that she thinks it will be comforting to me when she turns to do it for me . It looks like we 've got each other . My kids make me one lucky and blessed Mama . I love you , Sweet Bug ! The weekend started on Friday with Family Fun Night at our Church . We had a pizza dinner , watched my favorite children 's Christmas movie , The Charlie Brown Christmas Special , and did a community service project making ornaments and gifts . These days I 'm lucky to still be awake by 8pm ( thank you 3rd trimester slump ) but I thought this would be a fun thing to do . So as soon as Hubby made it home from work we were out the door . It was a fun evening and the kids enjoyed climbing all over Daddy . I think for a good portion of the movie Bug sat on her father 's belly while he lied on the floor . Saturday was our monthly church cleaning . I haven 't made it since September when I was put on modified bed rest . While I 'm no longer on restriction , Hubby doesn 't want me going until after I give birth . He 's been taking the kids once a month to clean the Church with our cleaning group . The kids are learning to serve the community and God . They 're getting quite good at cleaning , too . I think Boogie has been given his own Boogie sized swiffer to use around the Church : ) After Hubby and the kids came home , we ran out to a toy store ( completely forgetting it was Super Saturday and everybody and their mom was out ) so the kids could get a gift for each other . I think this does it for our gift buying for the season . Fortunately the trip was a quick one with another trip to the library . We came home to prepare for Boogie 's Godmother and my good friend A . to join us for dinner . I 'm so glad that A . and her family have moved back into the area . It 's nice to call her and say , " Hey do you want to come over for dinner ? " and if one weekend doesn 't work , another surely will . We exchanged gifts early this year as she will be heading to visit her in - laws over Christmas . It was so nice to see her since it 's been almost two months ( has it really been that long ? ) since we saw her last . Boogie loved spending a little extra time with his Godmother . Sunday ended with the kids ' holiday dance recital . I was unsure as to how it would go and if Buggy would actually get on stage to perform . The kids looked darling and yes , they both performed . Buggy danced in two numbers and Boogie in three . There was a lot of hard work put into setting up for the dance recital and we are grateful to childrens ' dance teacher for pulling off a fun performance for the kids . Hubby 's favorite part might have been when Buggy was performing for the " Dreidel " song . The little girls were given small dreidel 's and every time Buggy was able to make her dreidel spin she would jump up , clap her hands , and say " I did it ! " in the middle of her performance . Of course I missed all of that because I was trying to video the performance and I figured it was a part of the dance . It wasn 't , but no less cute ! I 'm grateful both sets of grandparents were able to make it to the performance . Hubby 's parents stayed for dinner and we were able to sit down and spend some extra time with them . Not always easy , because we are usually at a larger family gathering and we don 't get a lot of one - on - one time with Hubby 's parents . It was a nice end to a fun and busy weekend . I 've been having fun making my little tutus for friends and family . I sent one to the kids ' cousin and when I called to wish her a happy birthday her father told me that she loved it and wanted to wear it right away . That made me grin . I love when my friends and family like the gifts that I made for them . I enjoy making them and it 's so nice when it 's well received . I decided to try to make another version of the tutu I had made for our little cousin . This one is a present for a friend 's little girl . As you can see , Bug is my model once again . This is her in mid - jump . Unfortunately , her little puppy is in the way and you can 't see the embellishments I 've put around the waist . The kids are getting a kick out of seeing all the ribbon , jewels , and flowers I am using for these projects . They love being my models throughout the various stages . Though at this point I think it 's getting harder for Bug to be the model . When she found out that this one wasn 't for her either she kept asking , " Where mine ? Where mine ? " I might have to make the rest when she is sleeping . I realize that I have less than a week to complete all the ones I want to do , but I think I 'll be able to do it . In reality , I think I 'm ( amazingly ! ) done with all my Christmas shopping . I just need to wrap the gifts and stick them under the tree . The ones I have to make will take some time , but I 'm enjoying every moment of it . At this point I can 't sit still in front of the tv without having some craft project in my hand whether it 's crocheting , making tutus , creating calendars , or whatever else I have in mind to do . I pray that this last week of Advent is a peaceful one for all of you . Merry Christmas . Yesterday Boogie overheard me having a conversation with a friend about babies and my expectations . He heard me say to my friend something to the effect of , " I 'm not saying it 's going to be easy . I remember how hard it was when Boogie was born . How I had a tough time . But Bug was easier and I think I 'll be fine with the third . " After I hung up he looked at me and asked , " Why was it so hard ? Was I a hard baby ? Why did you think it was tough after I was born ? " Yesterday it snowed . When I was working I used to make sure I brought home all the papers that needed to be graded and materials I needed to lesson plan . I would spend snowy days grading , planning , and playing catch up , even though I had a ton to do around the house . When there was a 2 - hour delay I would still go to work on time to enjoy the quiet of the building and get more done . After having Boogie , my priorities changed and I felt that it was time to enjoy a snow day with my little man and I appreciated having him . But I worried about the things that were undone at work . Now I think snow days are meant to relax , enjoy the ones you 're with , have a mug of hot chocolate , and maybe play in the snow . I wish I did a lot more of that when I was working . Maybe I 'm not so different as I was in my early days of my career . I use snow days as a reason to stay in , but I 'm usually baking , Christmas shopping online , writing out Christmas cards , or doing some sort of Christmas catch - up . But I enjoy doing those things so it 's not that bad . Yesterday I attempted to take Boogie to his afternoon preschool and chickened out after I saw an accident on the road . I ended up turning around and heading back home . The roads were bad , everyone was going 20mph , and it was still snowing . It would still be snowing when I picked him up 2 1 / 2 hours later so I decided to bag it and head home . Boogs was a little disappointed , but he got over it pretty quickly . He played in the snow for a little bit and enjoyed that . I decided to finish sending out my Christmas cards . The kids listened to a book on CD and played with each other . It was a really nice afternoon . One of the benefits of having more than one kid is that the kids will play with each other . As I addressed envelopes I kept an eye on the kids and watched them play ( gently ) with our ceramic nativity set and talk about Jesus ' birth and the wise men , build tunnels using couch cushions and pillows , build with blocks , look at books , and entertain each other . Even though I wasn 't an active participant in their games , I was happy to be an observer into their little world . I was inspired by Buggy 's ballet lessons and made a little tutu for one of her cousins for her birthday . I used Bugs as my model and had her try it on at different stages of my tutu making . She kept saying , " oooooh , pretty . For me ? " She understood when I said it was for one of her cousins , but she asked if I would make one for her . I 'm pretty she 'll find one under the Christmas tree this year . This isn 't a great picture , but I think it gets the idea across . I hope her cousin likes it and I 'll be making a few more for Christmas this year for various friends and family . Bug kept shaking her hips whens she modeled it for me . If you 've been keeping up , you know that I 've been crocheting baby blankets like it 's going out of style . However , I took a break and attempted my first full - length afghan for an " adopt - a - nun " for Christmas gift giving . One of Hubby 's co - workers decided to do this for a local convent . She also included an article that gave some information about the order . The average age in the order is mid - 70s , the nuns give away most of what they have to those who need it in the community , live on the donations of others , and somehow make it year after year . I thought this was a neat idea and wish I can be there to hand out the gifts , but the kids are in a dance recital on Sunday and we won 't be able to make it . . . maybe . So of course because I always think that I can do more than is probably reasonable in any given amount of time I made an afghan . I finished last night after giving myself a goal of how much I needed to complete each night before going to bed . ( I started to panic on Sunday that it wasn 't going to get done in time ! ) Here is the finished product . The color is autumn red and much prettier in person . I 'm pretty happy with the end product and sad to see it leave my hands so quickly after finishing . But Hubby has already washed and dried it and it is currently wrapped and at this point probably given to his coworker . I hope Sister Charlotte likes it and I hope it keeps her warm in our currently frigid temps . I 've got a few more projects to do and I 'm already itching to complete some more . If you stop by any time in the near future you 'll probably find me crocheting , making tutus , making bourbon balls , or baking more Christmas cookies . Which means I 'll be knee deep in yarn , ribbon embellishments , and baking products . In January it will be more about getting ready for baby . . . making freezer meals and making him his own blanket . Merry Christmas ! I am 31 weeks along and the countdown is definitely on now that I am on to single digits until my due date . I can 't believe how quickly the time has flown . I 'm also busy with the kids , Advent , Christmas , and in the back of my mind are thoughts of moving the current two children into the same room , adding a splash of blue onto the walls of the nursery , washing Boogie 's baby clothes that I held onto in case we had another boy , and making freezer meals so that I don 't have to cook after the baby is born . Despite all that , I am ready . Not ready , like I 'm done being pregnant . But ready in , yeah , let 's do this ! Hubby and I have talked about it and neither of us are stressed , anxious , or worried about when the baby arrives . Maybe it 's that we 've done this twice before . Maybe I 've realized that life just goes on and this time you cart around a baby . Or maybe we 're just too busy with Advent and Christmas and we don 't have time to devote to being anxious or stressed . One of my friends told me she thinks I have pregnancy and post - partum amnesia . That may be it , but I really don 't think so . I remember having Boogs and the stress of trying to figure it all out and not doing a very good job . I struggled , cried , and doubted my abilities . I was also working full - time and trying to still be Superwoman at work and then don the same cape for home . With Buggy the whole experience was different . I realized my shortcomings and realized they weren 't that bad and I also realized that only so much can get done in a 24 - hour day and that the world didn 't come crashing to an end when things didn 't get done . I reveled in new ( again ) mommyhood and most importantly I wasn 't working outside the home . I 'm still not working outside of the house . And while I know there will be late nights , exhaustion , sleep - deprivation . . . I 'm not worried . I 'm not saying that it will be perfect , but I think it some ways it will be easier . Boogie is pretty independent and can be a big help . I think Buggy will love being Mama 's helper ( though I 'm not discounting any of the jealousy she may feel after having me all to herself when Boogie 's at school and then having to share me with a constantly nursing baby ) . Plus she can do things on her own and that will make it easier . But overall I feel pretty good . I got this . I haven 't gotten a chance to poll my friends with more than 2 kids . I realize that it will no longer be man - to - man and it will be all about zone . . . but did you find it was easier when you had a third . . . or did it still throw you for a loop because it was no longer man - to - man ? I 'm curious to your thoughts on this . Don 't worry about freaking me out if it was harder . . . I 'd still like to hear . Regardless , I feel good and I 'm looking forward to meeting our new little man . . . but not quite yet . He still needs to cook for another 9 weeks . I 'm looking forward to holding another sweet baby . The other day , we got a new refrigerator . It was desperately needed as we still had the original from when our house was built over 20 years ago . Since moving in three years ago the original refrigerator has slowly stopped working . . . the lightbulb burnt out and we never replaced it , the handle kept falling off , I had to kick the bottom of the fridge to make sure that it closed all the way , it froze the food in the back , the ice maker stopped working , and the layout was horrible and I could never find anything . And within the last few months it started to make this horrible moaning , whining noise like it was giving it all it could to stay on . After a few weeks of research we were able to find a more energy efficient refrigerator , with a better layout that was also on sale . We are very happy campers . I was at a doctor 's appointment when the refrigerator came . I came home to a brand new appliance and to the box it came in sprawled in our living room . I was totally okay with this , because do you know how many hours my kids will be occupied by a single box ? They spent all day playing with it . Fortunately he stopped them and made them a mini slide using the step down from the foyer into the living room which suited them just fine and meant there were no accidents . But leave it up to my son to try the next great adventure and for my daughter ( his faithful and adoring sidekick ) to follow his lead . Never a dull moment : ) I got a pretty good start on Christmas . I ordered the cards shortly after Thanksgiving and began sending them out , but something happened to distract me and I still have a pile to send out . I got a pretty good start on buying Christmas gifts , but as you know , it can 't all be done in a day and I still have a few more things to buy . I started an afghan for our " adopt - a - nun " for Christmas . I began it shortly before Thanksgiving , but it 's a big blanket and I 've been working on it almost everyday . My goal is get it done by Wednesday night so that Hubby can take it to the person organizing the gift giving by Thursday so she will definitely have it for the weekend . . . but things happened and I haven 't been able to keep up and I calculated it will take me at least two hours / day until Wednesday night to finish if I 'm lucky . All the cookies are baked - - check ! But I keep looking at my list and realize that I still have quite a bit to accomplish . In the meantime I 've taken a break from making baby blankets and I don 't think I 'll be able to make as many as I had originally planned to give away . Baby is coming soon and I 'm running out of time . Even though I started by keeping ahead of the game , I 'm still feeling that I 'm slowly falling behind . Fortunately not as behind in years past . But still not where I want to be . I have to remember that Christmas is about spending time with family and friends . It 's not about the gifts I give , but letting those close to me know that I love them and that they are appreciated . But I also have to remember to let them know all year long and not just as Christmas . Part of the stress is trying to get Boogie 's room ready to have Buggy in it . Hubby has been working hard and he has taken down a shelf , done one round of spackle on the wall , and has taken off the border . The next step will be painting , and then eventually moving Buggy 's stuff to Boogie 's room . It will get done , it always does , but it 's kind of a crazy time of year to try to make big changes and big moves , but really , when is it a good time ? But it will get done . The kids have been helping keep things in perspective . They talk about advent . They delight in the decorations , the lights , and tree . They talk about presents to give and people to see . Boogs has asked to see catalogs and last night when we talked about the possibility of not getting everything he has asked for , he said , " I know . I just like to look . I know that I won 't get everything . " He said it so sweetly that I think he was sincere in knowing that he wouldn 't get everything he 's asked for from Santa . Buggy is happy to be playing with her big brother . Everyday they play a little bit longer together and I 'm starting to see a friendship develop and that has been really nice . She loves to snuggle with me and tell me constantly , " Mama , I love you so much ! " Life is good . I 've been learning to look at my list , re - priortize everyday , and take a deep breath . It 's been helpful to keep things in perspective and to still enjoy advent and Christmas . I 've also looked at my list and realize that Hubby has his own list and no fair trying to give him some of my things to do so I 'm moving along as best as I can . I 'm taking it easy . The doctor has put me on meds to stop my contractions . It 's still to early , I 'm only 31 weeks . But the meds make me feel terrible and I 'm allowed to stop taking them when the contractions stop . After taking them all weekend , I 'm ready to be off of them for good ( and I hope that 's the case ) and just sit . Makes it harder to get things done , but this is more important . All else is well . I 'm taking things one day at a time . The hugs and kisses and the " I love you so much " I 'm getting everyday give me the fuel I need to keep going , to keep up , and to keep the stress at bay . My son is officially Christmas Giddy . He would tell you that he is " Advent Giddy " because it 's not Christmas yet . A week ago we got our Christmas tree . On Friday night , after the kids were asleep , Hubby put up the lights on the tree and pulled out the ornaments and decorations . When Boogie woke up on Saturday he saw that things were ready to roll . He was soooooo excited . I think he danced and pranced for a long time around that tree . But Saturday was a busy day starting with going to a make - up dance class and Hubby spending the day with his Godson ( our nephew ) to celebrate his Godson 's birthday . It was me solo with the kids so we went to dance class and ran a bunch of errands . When we got home , I was wiped out . I put Bugs down for a nap and I sat on the couch and put my feet up . But this would not do for my Boogs . He so desperately wanted to put up ornaments . So I gave him a bag of ornaments and he set about putting them on the tree while I watched and rested from the couch . He was thrilled to be doing it and kept asking me if I thought the tree looked beautiful . When he was done with the ornaments , he moved on to the stockings . He could barely contain his excitement . When Hubby came home from his afternoon outing , Boogie couldn 't wait to show him what was done . After dinner all of us finished putting up the ornaments together . The next day was frigid , but Hubby decided to put up the outside lights . Boogie couldn 't wait to do that either . I don 't think there was a whole lot he could do , but just being outside with Daddy was enough for him . When they were finished , Boogie asked for lights up in his room and Hubby complied . Boogs is sooooooo happy . Since putting up the tree , decorations , and lights , I thought we would hear more about Christmas gifts , but Boogie hasn 't really talked about them . Instead he is talking about advent , he asks questions about the advent wreath , he likes putting up our charms on our advent calendar , and he walks around the house in a Santa hat telling me about St . Nicholas ( We told him the story about St . Nicholas last week ) . When people wish us a Merry Christmas , he stubbornly tells them it 's advent and says , " Happy Advent " instead . He 's right , it isn 't Christmas , yet . But it will be soon . I love that Boogie is excited about the preparation for Christmas . I like that he 's asking questions about advent and focusing on getting ready for Jesus ' birthday . It 's been fun and I love the look of pure joy on his face when he turns on the Christmas lights around the house . It 's his favorite time of the year ! Boogie was invited for a play date on Tuesday . The mom who invited Boogie was very sweet and offered to give me a morning off . She invited Boogs to come over in the morning , she would feed him lunch , and then take him and her boys to school . I offered to pick up her boys from school at the end of the day and drop them off . The boys are identical twins that are in Boogie 's class . They are very nice kids and they seem to like Boogie a lot . They get a long really well and I 'm glad that Boogs has his own friends . This was very weird for me to drop off Boogie for a play date . This was his first invited solo play date . I knew the mom , from picking up and dropping off our kids at school and chatting while we wait for the kids , and we did one play date together at the park . But other than that , she 's still fairly new to me . I definitely like her and she seems really nice . Usually when I do a play date its with a really good friend of mine , usually someone I 've known for years , and the mom usually sticks around because it 's a play date for me , too . I get to catch up with a good friend while our kids run around and have fun . I should also add that most of my friends live anywhere from 30 min to 1 1 / 2 hours away so it 's kind of silly to drop off the kids and then not stick around , whether I 'm going to the play date or if I 'm hosting . So on Tuesday , I got the kids ready and I dropped off Boogie for a play date . I was a little nervous . . . you know . . . is he going to be polite ? Will he play nicely ? Will use the bathroom ? Will he eat the food provided and be nice about it ? How will he do without me to remind him of all these things ? While I was mulling over these things on the drive , Boogie was excited to be seeing his best friends from school . When I parked the car in the driveway , he undid his seatbelt , opened the door , blew me a kiss , and said , " Bye , Mama ! " He jumped out before I could even get out of my seat . He had no qualms about going solo for the play date . I still walked him to the house , made final arrangements with the other mom for pickup , and left him . It took all of 30 seconds . It was so weird ! ! ! ! I ended up running errands and getting a ton of things done with Buggy . I was so grateful for the extra time and I figured since I was already up and out early in the morning , I would just get my errands done before putting Buggy down for a nap . I checked my phone periodically for a phone call , but none came . I finally relaxed when I knew that the boys were in school and the other mommy would have a break . When I dropped off the twins , the other mother said they would love to have Boogie over again . He was polite , well - mannered , and played well with her boys . Wow ! That was really nice to hear . I offered to have her boys over in the next few weeks . I always think it 's easier to have other kids over because they occupy my kids . My kids are happy , having fun , and exhausted by the end of the day . This little solo play date has shown me that Boogie and I are both growing up . . . . I think we 'll be just fine . Buggy is now sleeping in a big girl bed . For the most part , it 's worked out really well . She can 't get out of her room to escape because she can 't quite reach the doorknob , but she doesn 't really want to because she loves her new bed . She also has enough toys and books to keep her occupied . However , with the new configuration of her bedroom I have found that she can reach the light switch in her room . She can turn the lights on and off all on her own . Miss independent is now turning on the lights and playing in her room by herself when she should be sleeping . On Saturday , after a busy day running errands , I was resting on the couch while Boogie was decorating the Christmas tree . Hubby , who had been out with his Godson , came home to find Boogie happily decorating , me resting ( but awake ) , and Buggy happily " reading " in bed with the lights on . He heard noises from her room , checked on her and found one of our cats sitting on the changing table patiently waiting for someone to let her out , and Buggy reading . He came down with our daughter and said , " I assume you didn 't leave the lights on in her room when you put her down for a nap ? " No , I didn 't . She never slept and was busy playing by herself . Last night Hubby put the kids to bed . When I went up at about 8 : 30pm the lights were out in both kids ' rooms . Boogie got up a few times to use the bathroom . After watching the Amazing Race , I headed downstairs to do a few more things while Hubby watched football . As I walked by Buggy 's room , I noticed the light on . She again had turned on the light and I found her in bed reading a book . When I walked in , I got a , " Hi Mommy . " Miss Independent strikes again . She doesn 't see anything amiss and is happy to greet us when we walk in to retrieve her . Oh , I don 't know what I 'm going to do with her . She is way more independent that Boogie was at this age . . . Last night was dance class . I have to say that I am happy that I 've put both kids in dance classes . Buggy isn 't old enough for preschool yet and giving her this opportunity to be with other little girls and to do her own thing has been wonderful . Now that she has her own dance bag she is excited to carry her shoes into class . Her teacher laughs and says that Bug and her classmates are like little old women with their bags . They really are and it 's really cute ! Boogie really likes it , too . He found out last night he will not be in the end of year recital . I told him that he will stop dance classes at the end of March because then he 'll be in t - ball and possibly soccer . He looked at me and said , " When does t - ball end , and when is the recital ? " I tell ya , that kid is too smart . He was trying to figure out if he could re - enroll for dance so he could be in the recital . Both kids will participate in the December holiday recital . I caught a glimpse of my daughter 's dance number for her recital . It is too cute and I can 't wait to see the whole thing in a few weeks . I haven 't seen Boogie 's yet , but I know that he will be just as wonderful . You can tell that the kids are into dancing . Anytime there is music both kids have started dancing in the middle of the floor . Bug has even started throwing in some of her moves from dance class . I think this is a good outlet for them and I 'm happy they are doing it . As far as Boogie being in the only boy in the class , I don 't think he 's noticed . I 've heard a few comments from parents and sibling in the lobby while I wait for him , but I think if it doesn 't bother him , then it doesn 't bother me . He has fun and loves what he 's doing . But he cracks me up because he 's already determined an activity schedule for himself : Winter - - dance , Spring - - t - ball , Summer - - swim , Fall - - soccer . I just go with it and if we can afford it , then he can do it . I love that he wants to be well - rounded and wants to try different things . I 'll try to post videos of the kids dancing . I just love it ! Before kids , Advent and Christmas were so hurried for Hubby and me . We both worked full - time and sometimes we would get the tree up and decorated just days before Christmas . I felt like it was just pure chaos and it wasn 't that enjoyable for me . Over the years we 've learned to slow down . Again I attribute this to being able to stay home with the kiddos . Last year during the first big snow fall I was able to bake cookies all day . While Hubby shoveled snow , Boogie played in it , and our sweet Bug was still taking two naps and she slept most of the day . I made a ton of cookies last year . This year for the first time ever I actually have my Christmas cards ordered and in hand . The Christmas letter is also written . I 've sent out the first batch on Monday and I 'm looking for time in our busy schedule to finish addressing and stamping the rest . Next year , I 'll create a database and all I 'll have to do is print out address labels ( I hope ! ) . I 've already set out one of our Nativity scenes and once Hubby can get the others out of storage I 'll put up the rest . On Friday we 'll go out to cut down our Christmas tree . Again , the earliest we 'll have ever done it ! I 'm really learning to love and appreciate Advent . It is a time of preparation . It 's a time for us to get ready for Christmas . I love the anticipation and how the kids talk about celebrating Jesus ' birthday . While the kids are aware of Santa , and Boogie is more aware of him because of commercials and the information bestowed upon him by his preschool classmates , the big guy in the red suit isn 't why we celebrate Christmas . While Christmas is usually chaotic for us with parties to attend , gifts to buy , family to see , cards to send out , cookies to be baked , and decorations to be hung , for some reason this year I 'm at peace . I 'm making a lot of my gifts this year and I don 't feel the need to run out to the stores except to get supplies ( baking or crafting ) . I also have the internet at my fingertips to buy things that I think of and now I 'm getting better at looking for deals so I 'm not running around town trying to find the best one . I feel like I 'm getting a better handle on the time that I do have and getting more done around the house and the errands and chores to be done . I also have good friends to chat with and celebrate with for various reasons and even in our busy schedules we are able to find time to catch up . My favorite part of celebrating the Christmas season is celebrating with family . Every year we go to my SIL 's house for her annual Christmas Eve Open House . Hubby 's great - aunt used to do this every year when she was alive . She would host with good food and people would stop in and catch up . L . has kept up the tradition and all of the family arrives , including our extended relatives . Hubby 's parents have 18 grandchildren and all of the kids do a cousin gift exchange . I love that my kids draw names and are excited to shop for the cousin they picked . The adults have started a fun white elephant gift exchange . The whole afternoon is filled with fun , laughter , yummy food , and great company . Afterwards Hubby and I go to the early Christmas Eve Mass where we get to see most of the nieces and nephews sing in the children 's choir . We go home , put the kids to bed and finish wrapping presents . And for me , no gift wrapping is complete without watching " A Christmas Story . " I could probably quote the movie line by line by now . Then Hubby and I snuggle up and watch Bing Crosby in " White Christmas " and head to bed . I think Advent might be my favorite part as we prepare for Christmas . I 'm learning to appreciate the anticipation and the preparation . I love sharing this time with my kids and I love the insight they bring when talk about the Christmas story ( Mary and Joseph , not Ralphie and his family ) . Tonight I 'll bring our advent calendar and the kids will begin to hang each of the pieces up every night . I can 't wait ! Welcome ! This is an at times a tongue - in - cheek perspective on a Christian mom 's life . I 'm a SAHM of three young children : elementary school , preschool and a two year old . I 'm trying to find the balance between wife and mother , and at the same time figure out where I stand in the midst of all the chaos while keeping it real ! My life is not always easy , and I share my celebrations and challenges so that you know that you are not alone on this journey called motherhood . I love my husband and I love my kids . I stay at home because I want to and I wouldn 't have it any other way . But it 's not always easy . How do I do it ? I write and I run to keep my sanity , not necessarily in that order ! We have a king sized bed . It 's been great . . . especially as I tend to be ginormous when I 'm pregnant . It gives me enough room to turn . . . From Instagram : Team meeting with our sidekicks . { So thankful to be part of a company that values family and makes this possible ! } This week we started p . . . A lot has happened since I last blogged . The boys started school , called " la rentree " here . Caleb is going to an international school just outside the ci . . . " I 'm inventing a time machine so I 'll never have to die . " This is Holden 's latest quest . He 's been working on creating a sculpture of a time machine with . . . 11 : 00 pm 3 - 26 - 13 . It 'll be 3 - 27 - 13 in about an hour . ( Probably well past that by the time I get this posted ) My birthday . My 30th birthday . The kids just up and climbed the trees in the yard today . We were wondering when that would start . J . has made a few cautious attempts in the past but sh . . . Bill and I leave this Wednesday morning to drive to Mobile . I cannot wait to hug my grandchildren and see my precious daughter , Jennifer Lynn . Roberto is i . . . |
Well here we are again at Christmas time . Feels like it comes around often . I have to admit , I am not a fan . Now please don 't get all upset . I know why we celebrate Christmas . I get it . I don 't need to be reminded . However , how many people really celebrate the " reason " anymore . Sure , there are lots that still do , but mostly I find that they don 't . It is an afterthought . I am not very religious . I barely have a religious bone in my body . So this isn 't a preachy post . I just find that a lot of people wonder how you can 't love Christmas . I can think of many reasons . Let me see here . I book the appointment for the photo shoot for the cards . I pick out the three matching outfits for the cards . I get the kids to the appointment and threaten them to behave and smile naturally so we can get a good photo . I then spend days looking at various sites that have a million and a half different cards . I have to test so many cards with my picture . Once I finally settle on the picture , then the card , then I have to play with the wording . Then the fonts . Get my point ? It is endless . I wish I could just take any old picture and slap it onto a digital card , say " Merry Christmas " order 80 cards and be done with it . I can 't . I take pride in my cards . I agonize over them . I know people think it is silly , but I am what I am and I doubt I will be changing any time soon . So in addition to the cards , I do a few other things . I do all of the shopping whether it be in the store or online . I do mostly online now . I shop for my husband 's mother who is 84 and needs nothing . I shop for all of my friends that I exchange with and I shop for the kids . I am Santa . I am not Mrs . Claus . I am Santa . I do all of the wrapping . I do all of the Christmas card addressing . I make all of the holiday plans with friends . I search out all of the events that we attend . I book the reservations and find out where Santa is going to be anywhere between New Hampshire , Massachusetts and Connecticut . Why see the big guy once , when you can go twenty times ? I am an overachiever . I can admit it . I am the elf mover . We don 't have the " Elf on the Shelf . " Frankly , he is ugly . He is scary looking . Devious looking . So I got us a cute elf . I move " Christopher " every night . Me . Not my hubby . Me . So there you have it . I do it all . Here is what I like about Christmas . The goofy and sappy Hallmark movies . Love them . I love the music . I love the decorations . I like the decorations at other people 's homes both inside and out . Personally I hate decorating my house because I can 't decorate it the way I want to decorate it . I have three small children and four cats . Enough said there ? I want a beautiful home with gorgeous decorations . I don 't have that . Not sure when I will get that back . Mind you I prefer what I have to having a beautifully decorated house . I don 't do all of the decorating . I do most of it . Sure the kids hang the decorations that I nicely unwrap . My husband puts up the fake tree , strings the lights and supervises the kids while they put on our delicate ornaments . We have too many decorations . However , they are nice and so we can 't just get rid of them . So we have too many , but we can 't thin them out . Quite the issue for me . I will say that if we have a party to go to , ninety percent of the time , it is my husband that makes the cookies or whatever we are bringing . That is his thing . It may be my cookie party , but he is making the cookies . By the way , I always give him the credit . I never lie and say that I made them . It is the 18th of December and we have a week left . I will survive . I don 't have sugar plums dancing in my head . I have dreams of putting away the decorations dancing in my head . I know that may seem odd , but it is the truth and I am a truthful kind of gal . So what have we been up to since I stopped in here last ? Well let me see . Got to retrieve the calendar ! On Friday the 29th of November , I took the kids to school , went for a walk and then picked up Manny at 11 : 00 am . He had a therapy appointment . I dropped him off after that and headed to lunch with my girlfriend Christine . It was so nice to see her . The rest of the day was spent at home . I only went back out to take Yamira to Daisies . She has Daisies every other Friday night . She loves it . I love that she loves it . I don 't love the night or the hour that she attends , but that was what was available , so what can you do ? I was supposed to have an appointment with a gentleman that wants custody of his son , but he couldn 't be bothered to show up . That was very disappointing . I am a CASA worker and I made an appointment with him two weeks ago . I called him several times the night before and this day , but he never returned my calls . Not good for him as I note that on my paperwork , mention it to my supervisor and to the social worker . Bill was on call this evening . Saturday was a crazy busy day . The Brownies were doing a craft at the library . I took Ping to the library at 10 : 30 am and stayed with her till 12 : 00 pm when Bill joined us with Yamira and Manny . We then put our name on the list to sit on Santa 's lap . I think we finally did that around 1 : 00 pm or so . It took forever . We then headed over to Shrewsbury to see another Santa , but he was outside and the line was very long . It was really cold and snowy this day . The kids did not have any desire to wait , so we left . So we went home , had lunch and put Yamira and Manny in for a nap . After their nap , we headed to Hebert Candy Mansion and took a picture with their Santa . I was afraid we would have to wait in line forever , but we were in and out . We then headed to Vive Bene with our Groupon to have dinner . The woman said we would have to wait about 30 minutes before we could be seated . So we sat down on a few chairs and prepped ourselves for the torture of three kids milling around us . However , the woman said she would sit us immediately in a booth by the bar . There were 5 - 8 open booths . I don 't get why she didn 't sit us there immediately . Very odd . Anyway , we sat down . Service was very poor . The food was okay . We won 't return as it wasn 't our favorite . It wasn 't bad , just not really kid friendly . However , I am not dying to go back as a couple either . Glad we had a Groupon . On Sunday we headed to WPI to make dumplings with the " Dumpling " group . There were only a few of us with our kids , but it was a perfect amount . The kids had a ball and it was so great to see the adults and to chat for some time . The students are fantastic . They love the kids . They get right in there and help the kids out . I love to witness it all . We then went home and gave the kids showers and put them to bed . On Monday , Bill had to work from 7 : 00 am to 7 : 00 pm . Long day for him and a long day for me with the three . I dropped the kids off and did errands . Spent the rest of the day at the house . I got Manny at 11 : 00 am and the girls at 3 : 00 pm . We did homework , had an early dinner and then I took Ping to Brownies for 7 : 00 pm . On Tuesday , Bill had to work the same hours . I took the kids to school , did errands and then got Manny at 11 : 00 am . Spent the rest of the day at home with the exception of grabbing the girls at 3 : 00 pm . Did homework , had dinner and then the kids watched a movie . I let them stay up till Daddy got home since they didn 't see him much the day before or this day . They miss him when he isn 't home . Bill was off on Wednesday . I had an appointment with the psychologist that is connected to the Bariatric Dept . at Brigham . Bill took the kids to school . I slept in a little . I left at 11 : 30 am for my 1 : 00 pm appointment . The psychologist was fantastic . He was funny . He said I was dangerous because we got along so well . We discussed my ever expanding waist line . He said my relatives must have been resistant to " famine . " I would say so ! He gave me a few tips and suggested I attend a meeting where I might meet others that struggle like I do . After the meeting , I headed to Waltham to pick up something special for dinner and then I headed home . The next day Bill took the kids to school if I remember correctly . He had a 2 : 00 pm appointment at school , so I got the girls at 3 : 00 pm and took all three kids to Yamira 's therapy appointment at 4 : 00 pm . Fun , fun . Not really . We then headed home . Bill fed them dinner , The next day the kids went to Sunday School while I slept in . We then went to our friend Cari 's house for her Hanukkah party . We walked down the street to see the Menorah lit . There were a few rabbis and a couple of people from the state of MA there to help light the lanterns . We then walked back to Cari 's house to have some food and to do an adult gift exchange which had to be something homemade or a regift . It was fun . The kids had a blast playing together . We then went home so the kids could shower and get to bed . On Monday , I got up and took the kids to school . I then took a walk with my friend and then I went to get Manny and headed home . Bill was home for the day . We got the girls at 3 : 00 pm . I took Ping to Brownies for 6 : 00 pm and then I picked her up at 7 : 00 pm . When I got home , Bill headed out for a meeting with the Masons . On Tuesday , Bill took the kids to school and I went to St . Vincents to see my neurologist . He thinks my focal distonia is not as bad as it used to be , but it is still there . When I left there , I remembered that I never got an invitation to the " Lights of Love " which is something I go to every year . It is put on my hospice . They send an invite and you can either donate or not . I always do as it is a great cause . I attend the evening every year . It is at a church in Worcester . They have a few people speak , a tree lighting for loved ones who have passed and people doing hand bells . It is a nice time for me to remember my parents . I do it for them . So when I got home , I called the hospice number I could find to see what had happened . Hospice had been bought out by VNA . I asked if they were still doing this special evening . They were . The problem was when hospice was bought out , they had a hard time finding everyone 's addresses . Guess when the evening was . THAT NIGHT . Thank god I called or I would not have been able to attend ! ! ! ! They told me to bring a photo . So that night I went alone . Last year I went with the kids because Bill was in school , but this year I could go alone . It is sweet , but somewhat somber . It is hard to bring small children too . They did it differently this year . I got there and immediately put down my address because they were looking for people do do that . I then had a seat . They read some poems , talked about losing loved ones and had a man speak about hospice and how wonderful they were when his wife was so sick . They had a singer who sung beautifully and then they had us go up and put our pictures on a board that had stars on it . You could say your loved ones name if you wanted to . I didn 't because the woman with the microphone was busy at that exact time . After everyone attached their pictures , they lit up the board . It was beautiful . They did a nice job . Then it was over and people had refreshments . I grabbed a cookie and ran out the door so I could get home . I was tired . So glad I got to go The next day was a 1 / 2 a day for the kids . So at 11 : 00 am , Bill and I went to get the three of them and then we went into Boston to the aquarium . We first watched a movie in the IMAX theatre about whales and dolphins . I kept falling asleep . Talk about tired . We then walked around the aquarium a little . It is under construction , so we didn 't stay long . However , we did watch the sea lion show . That was awesome because Ping was picked to be a volunteer . So she got to feed " Isaak " the big sea lion . She got to hold up her leg and have him copy her and she got to pet him . She had a great time . Lucky girl ! ! ! ! We then headed home as we were all really tired . On Thursday , Bill took the Toyota for an oil change . I took the kids to school and went for a walk . Felt great to be out . I then spent the rest of the day at home doing things around the house . I didn 't get everything done , but made a dent in things . Friday was a busy day . I dropped the kids off at school , went home for a few minutes and then Bill and I headed back to the school to watch the holiday concert that Ping and Yamira sang in . It was very cute . We then went and did two local errands and then back to the school to pick up Manny . I dropped off Bill and took Manny to therapy . After therapy , we went home and I gave Manny lunch and had him take a nap . We got the girls at 3 : 00 pm . Yamira had a bad day , so she didn 't get toys or TV . Shayla and Manny played and watched TV till dinner . After dinner , I rounded up the girls and headed out . I dropped Yamira off at Brownies at 6 : 30 pm and then went to the library to drop off Ping who was having her very first sleepover . She was so excited . I wasn 't . I was happy for her , but wanted her home . Today , a lone gunman walked into an elementary school and shot 20 young children and 6 adults . It was a devastating day for our country . Given the news , I was less happy about dropping off my oldest baby . However , earlier she kept stroking my hair while telling me she would miss me terribly and she would see me the next day at 8 : 00 am . I asked her if she would stay home if I gave her a buck . She said no . I upped it to $ 5 , then promised a stuffed animal and then I told her I would buy her an iPhone . I was joking about the iPhone . She was hell bent on going . Who could blame her . Sounded like it was going to be a blast . So I took her to her sleep over and hung out for over an hour helping out the other ladies with prepping for the evening . I then left and picked up Yamira for 8 : 00 pm and headed home . Bill was on call . I was grateful that he didn 't have a call while I was out . I watched some TV and then finally headed to bed after several texts with friends at the sleepover . SaturdayOn Sunday , the kids went to Sunday School . We then attended church . We were asked to light the Advent Candles . Unfortunately I over slept . However , I got to church on time . The kids were in the Christmas pageant . It was adorable . I read the Advent reading and Bill lit the candles . Then the pageant took place . Once it was over , we went downstairs and sang Happy Birthday to Jesus and rushed home so we could turn around and get in the car and head to Norwood . We had a party at 1 : 00 pm at Ayi Anita 's parent 's home . We got there at 1 : 30 pm . Bill left to get blood work at Dedham Medical since we were in the area and he was told that blood work was needed . He was not gone long . We then sat down and had some Chinese food and then we opened gifts upstairs around the fireplace . We had a great time . Ayi loved her gifts . The kids all got candy from the Andreassi 's and Ayi Anita gave us a year long membership to the Museum of Science . Yay . Something we don 't have to dust or stick away in a closet . Love those gifts ! We then headed home as it was late and the driving wasn 't great . It took us forever to get home due to an accident on 495 . Once home we got the kids into bed . Today we had a 90 minute delay . So Manny didn 't have preschool . Bill took the Enclave to get the mirror fixed and I took the kids to school . Manny and I then came home . I did a little cleaning and then I literally felt exhausted and so I laid down . I never do that . I took a short nap so I could be energized for the rest of the day . I fed Manny , put him in for a nap and showered . I have been going since . I did a bunch of things this afternoon while Bill got tires for the car and then I got the girls . I did not do errands because of the ice . The girls did homework and played . After dinner we headed to the Investiture for Ping 's Brownie troop . After that we had refreshment and came home . We put the kids to bed . I then did some work at my desk and watched a little TV and now I am here on the computer . I have to get to bed or I will never get up and get the kids tMama Out ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! It has been three weeks since I have been here last . I think I am not that far behind and then I look and I am horrified . I know so many people who have abandoned their blogs . I try to keep mine going just to ward away early onset dementia . Who am I kidding ? As always , I am trying hard to remember what I have done over these last three weeks . I can promise you that I have been busy doing something . I am seven People magazines behind . I have never gotten that far behind . The celebrities that just had babies will be whisking their children off to college before I even know how the birth went ! Well I best get going here on chronicling our lives . Let 's see . On November 7th , 2012 , I dropped the kids off at school and then went for a nice long walk . Bill had clinical till 3 : 00 pm that day . He then had an appointment at 4 : 30 , but I can 't for the life of me remember what it was for ! At 10 : 00 am , I met with Elhamy about Shayla 's video . He says he is done , but I doubt he is . When I get there at 10 and he shows me the DVD , he still has to make some changes . Will this DVD ever be done ? He is a nice guy , but not doing what I have asked . He said he would be creative . I don 't want creative , I want completed . Ping will have her wedding video accomplished before I get this video done ! On Thursday I sleep in . I didn 't walk this day . Not sure why . Can 't remember . However , I am happy to have some additional sleep since I have to see Dr . Shikora in the afternoon . Hiking to Boston and back is pretty tiring . The traffic at that hour is pretty bad . I am pretty sure I did not walk that day as it was raining . Anyway , I saw Dr . Shikora 's physician assistant and then I met with him . Not a fan of his PA at all . She is not very friendly at all and a bit condescending . She walks in like she knows me and everything I have been up too . I tell her that I still want to consider surgery as an option . She proceeds to tell me that Dr . Shikora told her that I have too many adhesions and can 't have surgery . Really ? He never told me that . When I nicely say to her that I am unaware of this being an issue , she gets huffy and tells me that I can double check with Dr . Shikora , but this is what he just told her . I was pretty devastated as I thought that was still an option for me . So out she goes and after a few more minutes of her talking in the hallway , Dr . Shikora walks in and asks what he can do for me ? Really ? He is the one that wanted to see me ! I told him that I was afraid he couldn 't do anything for me to which he said that he was sorry that was the case . So I kindly tell him about what his PA just said . He told me he had no way of knowing if I had adhesions or not and that surgery was a last option , but not off the table . So where did her info come from ? Talk about a mess . I tell Dr . Shikora that I am disappointed that I didn 't convert to an RNY . He says he doesn 't want to say " He told me so . " I asked if the RNY is reversible as I have heard now that it is . He said it 's not desirable , but it is reversible . Really ? Why didn 't he tell me this when I said I didn 't want to do the RNY because it wasn 't reversible ? That is his fault . What can I say though ? I need him on my team . So am I going to accuse him of not informing me correctly ? Was he making a " to do " list when I asked him this question before ? I am confused anFriday was a cold and blustery day . I dropped the kids off at school and then went for a walk . At 11 : 45 am I met my friend Lisa and her friend Marcia at Barnes and Noble for a quick tea date . It was far too short . I had to run home because Bill had a 2 : 30 pm appointment with his adviser at school . So I headed home and then went out to get the girls . That night Yamira had her first Daisy meeting . She had a great time . On Saturday , we stayed home . We had no plans and it was great because I had a ton of things I wanted to do at home . My goal is to go room by room cleaning out every cabinet , drawer and closet . So staying home and cleaning and organizing is what was on the list . I don 't remember how much I got done , but we didn 't go out at all . It is tough on the kids when we don 't go out . They get under each others skin , but it 's nice for the two younger to nap and it 's great for Ping who gets quiet time . Sunday brought the same thing . No plans . The kids did have Sunday School , but we were home for the rest of the day . We stayed home and worked on things around the house . On Monday , the kids didn 't have school due to Veterans Day . Bill had clinical , so he was gone all day . So it was just me and the kids . Oh joy ! We didn 't go out at all because I wanted to do some things at home . Ping did have Brownies , so I took her out to that at 6 : 00 pm and Bill went to his Masons meeting at 7 : 30 pm . It was a boring few days , but it was nice not to have to go out . On Tuesday I dropped off the kids and went for a walk . I don 't have anything else on my calendar that day . I find that hard to believe . I don 't remember what I did . I did get Manny at 11 : 00 am and the girls at 3 : 10 pm , but other than that , I do not remember what I did . I am sure I worked on things here at the house and / or did errands . My dear friend Roger lost his battle with cancer today . Just devastating . I am so sad for my girlfriend Kirsten and her little ones who are 7 and 10 . They didn 't deserve to lose their dad so young . Roger was only 48 and had battle cancer bravely since May . Rest in peace my friend . Wednesday was really busy . I took Manny and Yamira to school . I took Ping into school to have her pictures retaken from two months ago as they came out awful . Then Ping and I went to Umass for her craniofacial appointment . Then we left there and headed to school for 11 : 30 am so she could attend the rest of the day . My friend Ashly picked up Manny when she picked up Teresa , so I had to go and get Manny . I then rushed home so he could eat and nap as I had a cranialsacral appointment with my physical therapist Pam . After she left I had to get the girls from school . Talk about a busy day . The kids did homework and watched TV till dinner time . On Thursday , I took the kids to school , took a walk and then picked Manny back up . He had a therapy appointment at 11 : 45 am . After his appointment , I dropped him off at home and headed to a new foot doctor . I have been having an issue with what I thought was an ingrown toe . I wasn 't sure though . Sure enough that is what it is . I met my new and very good looking doctor . He had laryngitis . So it was a difficult first meeting . He told me I had an ingrown toenail and he actually would have to do surgery . Sounded awful . Four shots to numb the area and then he would have to dig out the toenail and put some root deadening chemical so it would stop growing the way it was . Ouch ! Today he said he would just cut a wedge for me so I could get some relief . OMG , that killed . I was so dizzy , that he had to lay me back . After a few minutes , I was good to go . I picked up the girls and headed home . Bill headed out for a dinner with the fire department for 6 : 00 pm , so I was on my own for bedtime with the kids . So it was dinner , books and bed . Friday I dropped the kids off at school and went for a nice walk with my friend . I then met with Elhamy to get my final DVD . I grabbed it from him and headed home after an errand or two . I went back out in the afternoon for a manicure and a pedicure . I had a Groupon , so I didn 't have to pay anything but a tip at the time . The pedi / mani came out great . I then headed home for the night . Saturday morning I did not want to get out of bed . I was so tired . We had brunch at 11 : 00 am at the Spencer Country Inn though so I had to get up and get ready and get the kids ready . We have never had brunch with this group before . It was a group of people who have adopted internationally , domestically and from the state . We met a nice woman with one Chinese daughter and one daughter from the state . Very nice girls . The kids colored and then filled their plates from the brunch table . We then had a picture taken . in front of the fireplace and packed up to leave . It was a nice time . Unfortunately , a woman overheard me say to Bill " Where is our crazy Asian ? " She was appalled . Lighten up lady . We love our daughter and could not be any prouder that she was Chinese . She loves being our crazy Asian . It 's a term of endearment for us . Needless to say , the woman was upset with us asking if our daughter had a name . She kept saying " Oh that is better , use her name . " I finally said to the woman , " our daughter is very used to being called our crazy Asian and she likes it . " Her response was that it was still wrong ! Whatever . After brunch , we headed home so Manny and Yamira could take a nap . I did some stuff around the house as did Bill . Bill was on call from 6 : 00 pm till 10 : 00 pm . On Sunday , Bill took Yamira and Ping to Sunday School . Manny didn 't get to go because he was so badly behaved the week before , I told him he couldn 't go . Unfortunately , Bill let him watch TV . As far as I am concerned , that isn 't punishment for not going . Making him sit in his room was to be his punishment . I slept in , so I didn 't have any control over the situation and Bill clearly wasn 't thinking straight ! ! ! ! The girls came home and I got them all dressed and did their hair and then we went to JC Penney for pictures to be done of the kids . We then headed home . While Manny and Yamira napped , I ran Ping to the field for Brownies . She was playing softball or kickball or something for a badge . She had a great time . I hit up Walmart and did another quick stop before picking her back up . We then headed home for the rest of the day . On Monday , Bill had clinical , so I dropped the kids off and went for a walk . It was a half day of school because of teacher conferences . So after my walk , I went and picked up my three and headed home . We stayed home for the rest of the afternoon . Manny and Yamira napped and Ping did some crafts while I worked at my desk . Bill came home at 3 : 30 and he and I met with Mark , the contractor that put our addition on . We have had a few issues we needed him to look at . Then Bill ran to Roger 's wake while I stayed with the kids . The minute he got home , I left the house with Ping . I dropped her off at Brownies and then headed to the wake . It was packed . There were so many people there . Never have I had to stand in a line like this one . It took me one and a half hours to reach my girlfriend Kirsten who outdid herself . There were candles , pictures and framed sayings everywhere . There was Patriots memorabilia and a real grill inside the funeral home because Roger loved to grill ! There was sand with pictures and seashells because he loved to go to the beach with his girls . A beautiful tribute to a wonderful man . The minute I walked through the line , Karen and Renee , the other Brownie leaders showed up . So I stood with them in line and got to give Kirsten another hug . Their wait was much shorter . Everyone but a few were left . We listened to a small prayer and a beautiful piece of music and then left for home . It was a long night . The next day I got up and dropped the kids off at school and then drove to Worcester to attend Roger 's funeral . What a beautiful church and tribute to Roger . After the funeral , I went to Maxwell Silvermans and had a quick lunch before heading to Meri 's house . Meri was gracious enough to pick up my kids from school at 11 : 10 am because they had another half day for school conferences . I had to cancel mine with all three teachers as I had the funeral to go to . I picked up the kids and took them home . Thanks to Meri for watching my chickens . We stayed home for the rest of the day . I had a lot to do because we were hosting Thanksgiving on Thursday . On Wednesday , Bill got up with the kids and started cooking up a storm . I slept in a little . I then got up and did a few errands . I went to Elhamy 's house for 12 : 30 pm to pick up the final DVD that had to be fixed and then took Yamira to therapy for 1 : 00 pm . After therapy we headed home . None of the kids napped that day as it got to be too late in the day for them to go down . So they played , watched TV and basically got in each others hair for hours . Such fun . Not so much . Bill continued to cook . I did a bunch of things at the computer that needed to be done . It was a busy day . On Thanksgiving morning , I set my alarm , but didn 't want to get up at all . I finally sprang out of bed and came downstairs to clean the bathrooms , the kitchen and dining room and then I did some dinner set up . While showering , Sarah and Brad showed up . Shortly after we had Meri , Joe and the boys arrive . We assembled the chairs and sat down to a nice Thanksgiving feast . My husband is quite the cook . He does a great job . The day went by way too fast . Before I knew it , people were thanking us and heading out the door . I put the kids to bed and watched a little TV . Friday morning I slept in . I expected to be out late that night , so wanted some extra rest and I seem so over tired lately . I got up and did a bunch of things around the house . I finished cleaning from the day before . I spent over two hours cleaning after our guests left , but I had a little more to do . When 4 : 30 pm came around , I jumped in the shower and got ready . Our babysitter Debbie came at 5 : 30 pm and then Bill and I jumped in the car and headed towards Norwood for my 25th High School Reunion . How did I get to be this old . Wasn 't I just trying to figure out what to write in my yearbook ? I was very anxious about going to my reunion . When I signed up two months ago , I thought it was a great idea . However , I wasn 't feeling like it was a good idea anymore . Having my surgery reversed has done a number on me both physically and emotionally . I just was not feeling comfortable going to this reunion at the weight I was . However , once I got there I relaxed . It was good to see so many faces . The people who thought they were all that in high school still think they are all that which is sad to see . Regardless , I am glad we went . We didn 't get home till nearly 1 : 30 am though . Needless to say , we had a good babysitting bill ! Saturday was Bill 's birthday . I guess he should have been the one to sleep in , but I was the one that did . It sounds so luxurious , doesn 't it ? Let me make this clear though . He may get up , but he gives the kids cereal , makes himself coffee and vegetates in front of the TV with the kids watching cartoons . That and he passes back out on the couch or in the chair . So please don 't think he is being a domestic god while I lounge in bed . When I do get up , I have to take a shower and then get downstairs and make the kids pick up their stuff . I often have to clean everywhere too . So I pay for sleeping in . We didn 't have plans today for Bill 's birthday . He lounged and I did some stuff on the computer . at 6 : 45 pm , I headed out the door to pick up Meri . I was invited to a chocolate martini and Lia Sophia party . I had a great time and broke my drinking streak . I have not had a drink in years . I always got a terrible stomach ache from drinking and then after having my surgery , I couldn 't drink as it 's not good for you . So it has been years . I had three small martinis . They were yummo ! It was a good night out . Bill texted me and said there was a huge fire in Leominster , so I dropped Meri off really quick and flew home so he could attend the fire as they were looking for a team to go . I stayed up till 4 : 00 am waiting on him as I was nervous . However , at 4 I crawled into bed . He came home shortly after . Sunday morning Bill got up and took the kids to Sunday School . I thought for sure he would never get up in the morning and that I would have to get up . However , he did get up and he got them there . I took a shower and when the girls got home , I had them change into pretty outfits and I did their hair nicely because we were having tea in Grafton at the Willard Clock Museum . I had never been before and was anxious to go . I had a heck of a time finding the place , but I found it in time . It was very , very small . Four tables that accomodated 6 people . My friend Cari , Katie , Rebecca and Alyssa went with their daughter . Rebecca and Katie sat at my table even though we didn 't make our reservations together . Even if we didn 't know each other , they would have been at my table anyway . Thought that was cool . The kids had hot chocolate and I had tea from a tea bag . They had sweets . A few cookies and cupcakes . The kids then made a craft and we went on a tour of the place . I didn 't get any of the history as I was too busy making sure Yamira didn 't touch anything ! It was a nice time . Unfortunately it was very quick , so there wasn 't a lot of talking . The girls had fun though . We then headed home . Yamira never got a nap that day . Manny did though . Bill was on call from 6 : 00 pm till 10 : 00 pm which I forgot to tell him about until a call came in at 6 : 00 pm . Hey , at least I remembered . So I gave the kids their bath and read them a book and put them to bed . Monday was a busy day . I dropped the kids off at school and went to CVS , the bank , the post office and the cleaners . I then headed back to the school to volunteer in Yamira 's classroom . That went well . I had to paint the kids hand with green paint and they had to make a wreath with their hands . Of all projects . Anyone that knows me knows I am not a fan of paint , glue and glitter ! I had a nice time getting to know the kids . I then met with Mrs . Yasick for Manny 's conference because she had to cancel ours on Wednesday . She asked if I had time then and I did . So we sat and chatted about Manny . She says he is smart and needs to be challenged to think all the time . If we could just get his impulsive behavior under control . After the meeting , I grabbed Manny and we headed to the Girl Scout store in Worcester because I wanted to get Yamira her vest . They didn 't have her size though . We left there and went to my ENT appointment . Sure enough I have another sinus infection . I was put on an antibiotic and a steroid to cut the inflammation . We then headed home for lunch and a nap for Manny . I then got the girls . I tried to do some online shopping once the girls were home . It was hard , but I got some stuff done . It was a busy day and it was a tough day since Bill had to work till 7 : 00 pm . So I had to feed the kids at 5 : 00 pm and then I had to bring Ping to Brownies at 6 : 00 pm and then we had to all go out again at 7 : 00 pm to bring her home . I then read a book and tucked them into bed . Today was an equally busy day . I dropped off Manny , went to CVS and then to Bed , Bath and Beyond to pick up a few things . I then went to the Solomon Pond Mall to pick up our pictures from JC Penney and then I went downstairs and got some earrings for Ping for Christmas . Then I rushed back to the school to pick up Manny who didn 't have a great day . I fed Manny and put him in for a nap . While he napped , I did a little more online shopping and a little cleaning . I then went and got the girls for 3 : 00 pm . Unfortunately , Yamira didn 't have a good day which was upsetting . After Ping did her homework , I picked up another Brownie and all of us headed to the Red Cross Office because Ping had a Brownie outing . I then headed home . Ping was dropped off by another mom at 6 : 00 pm . I fed the kids dinner and then we sat down and watched a couple Hallmark shows . I let them stay up late . Daddy came home and he put them to bed with me . It was nearly 8 : 00 pm . I then did a few more things on the computer before I decided to sit down and have some dinner and watch TV . I passed out watching TV . Then I woke up and finished watching the show and then came here to update . It is now after 2 : 00 am . How am I ever going to get up in the am ? I will post some pictures in the morning I guess . I voted . Did you ? Even if I am not a fan of the candidates , I go . I have the right to go and the fact that this war was won for the right to vote propels me to go . I went this morning . I took Manny with me . He was good , but then again we were not there more than 10 minutes if that . I have been meaning to check on in here , but haven 't had a strong desire to do so . I haven 't had a strong desire to do anything lately . Is it the colder weather ? Is it the darkness ? What is it ? Where has my motivation gone ? I hate the struggling that I have been doing lately . I want to curl up with a blanket and just sleep . I have way too much to do though . I really want to go room to room in this house and clean out every cabinet and drawer and get rid of stuff . We have so much . I don 't know how hoarders do it . I do , but it amazes me . On Thursday , I had a 9 : 15 am appointment with my ENT office because I still had a sinus infection and needed more meds . In the afternoon , I had lunch with Marghrit . That was fantastic . Too short , but it was great to see her . She is doing well , but what is going on in Syria is tearing her apart as her family and friends are taking their lives into their hands regularly with all the bombing . Later that afternoon , the kids and I got hair cuts and then I took Ping to EAR . EAR is when they read a book at the school and they take a test on that book . They earn points . Ping enjoys going . I was looking forward to Friday because I was going to have lunch with my friend Christine . However , her little guy Mason had to go to the doctors for headaches . He is fine I am happy to say . I took Manny to therapy for 11 : 30 am and then home for the day . Manny took a nap and I spent the day doing things on the computer and making calls . That sort of fun stuff . Bill was on that night , so we didn 't go anywhere . On Saturday , other than soccer , we had no plans with the kids to go anywhere . So the girls had soccer in the morning and then we stayed home for the day . I left the house at 4 : 30 pm to go to Hopkinton to meet with a few ladies who have adopted from China to see the movie " Somewhere Between . " It was a movie about adopted teens from China . It was a wonderful movie . We first had dinner and then went to see the movie at 7 : 00 pm and then we met the director of the movie and three of the girls that starred in it . They were wonderful ladies . Very smart . I can only hope that my children grow up to be as beautiful on the outside and inside as these girls . They are all in college now . We then headed back to Hopkinton and I drove home . Sunday we drove to Dighton for a horse lesson for Ping . She won it at the Mid - Autumn Moon Festival we attend every year . What a drive ! We then rushed back to a soccer game for 1 : 00 pm for Ping . We spent the rest of the day at home . We were spent . The kids all had some downtime before dinner and then it was showers , books and bed . On Monday , I had an 11 : 00 am appointment with our financial adviser Gerry . He was not here long . After he left I fed Manny and put him in for a nap and I did some stuff around the house until it was time to get the girls . After an early dinner , I took Ping to Brownies so that I could pick up any last minute fall order forms since I was the fall product manager for the troop . Tuesday was a half day for the kids . We didn 't have plans which is unusual for us . I decided to take the kids over to the Sterling playground to play for an hour and then it was home for lunch and a nap for Manny and Yamira . We spent the rest of the day at home . Ping did crafts and I did some cleaning . Then I headed out for dinner with my friend Renee and Heather . We had a great time . On Wednesday , I got up and took the kids to school as I have been most mornings as Bill has been busy working from 7 : 00 am - 3 : 00 pm . I then went for a walk before picking up Manny at 11 : 00 am . I try to walk almost every morning for six miles . Sometimes I can only do three , but that is better than nothing . After a nap for Manny , I had to get the girls from school and then we all went to the soccer field because Ping had practice . The two younger ones ran around on the playground while I watched Ping practice . Once home , I got the kids ready for dinner and then headed out for dinner myself with my friend Cheryl . We had a great time . It was pretty funny because when we walked into the restaurant , there was her mother . We were seated right next to her ! I don 't usually have dinner two nights in a row , but I will take it . On Thursday , I dropped the kids off and went for a walk . When I picked up the kids at 3 : 00 pm , I came home to drop off Ping and then I took Yamira to therapy . While she was in therapy , I did a quick errand and then we came home for dinner . Bill was on call that night . Friday came and I woke up thoroughly exhausted . I had an appointment at my primary care 's office in Norwood for my flu shot , but I was too tired to drive there and so I cancelled . That is very unlike me . I just could not make the drive . That and the amount of gas I was going to use was sickening to me for a quick flu shot . So after I picked Manny up from school , I went and got a flu shot . We spent the rest of the afternoon at home . I got the girls at 3 : 00 pm and then came home to a quick dinner and then our friend Molly got dropped off . The girls and I jumped in the car and headed off to a Girl Scout Halloween dance in Boylston . The girls had a blast . I felt bad leaving Manny at home . I have to find a way to make it up to him . I told him that he was lucky he got to stay home with his buddy . He seemed happy about that . On Saturday , we had a full day . The girls had their playdowns for soccer . First was Ping 's and then we went to Yamira 's . A playdown is when you play all four teams in an hour and then have snacks after . Ping 's team won some and lost some . Yamira 's team doesn 't keep score . Snacks after Ping 's was great . All kids got to participate . I wasn 't happy with Yamira 's snack time . The coaches decided to charge each kid $ 6 for pizza . This was discussed earlier in the week as a possibility . I didn 't know it was a definite . I wasn 't trying to be cheap , but I wasn 't going to pay $ 6 for Yamira , Manny and Ping . How could I not include two of the kids since they were with me . So we just left . I gave all the kids their snacks from us , but my kids got nothing . That is fine , but found it to be unfair that they did this without saying for sure that this was what they were doing . I even replied to everyone that we couldn 't take part in that as we had other plans for the day . I left feeling a little annoyed and uneasy . We took the kids home for a short nap and then the kids got in their costumes and we went to the Halloween Hop . In the center of town , the Parks and Recreation department had games for the kids , a little paOn Tuesday , Bill was home because his school was cancelled , but the kids had school . So he dropped them off . It was a really crazy day and not in a good way . I had to attend a little Halloween party at Manny 's school at 10 : 15 am . Then I got a call from Ping 's Brownie leader who wanted to stop by and pick up some money . So she came by and grabbed that as I was getting a call from the school nurse . Ping had a fever and a headache . I have never been called for a sick child . So I raced up and got Ping . When I got home , I called her doctors office . I don 't usually rush them to the doctors , but Ping had been saying she was a little dizzy . I just wanted to make sure she was okay . I got another call from Ping 's Brownie leader saying that there was money missing and could she come by and walk it through with me before I had to take Ping to the doctors . So she came by and we went over everything . $ 66 . 00 was missing . I was horrified . I was beside myself . I was devastated . The leader Karen kept saying that I would find it . However , I am anal and a neatnik , where could it be ? I had all the money counted out perfectly with a sticky note for each girl and paperclipped and in an envelope . I was so upset . So Karen left and Ping and I jumped in the car for her appointment . I cried all the way to the doctors because I was so upset . I just didn 't know what could have happened . Shayla had her visit and it was decided on that it was just a virus . I figured , but better be safe than sorry with dizziness and blurring words on a page in a book . I cried all the way home . Bill was going through the trash piece by piece . I walked into the house as he is digging through the trash and all of a sudden Ping innocently says to me and Bill " I thought the money was our account . " " WHAT ? ? ? ? ? " Mind you the minute I walked in I got a call from our financial adviser . So I am on the phone as she is saying this . Bill and I just look at each other . Finally I said that I had to concentrate on this call since it was only going to be a minute . In the meantimeThe next day was Halloween . We were going to Trick or Treat with friends , but they decided to go as a family alone . So while walking , I decided we would just go alone . I got Manny at 11 : 00 am and headed to therapy with him . A little later that afternoon , I talked to my friend Renee and decided to Trick or Treat with her . It is so much more fun when it is with friends . So around 5 : 00 pm , the kids got in their costumes and off we went . First we went to the neighbors and then we went to Renee 's house . We then headed to a big neighborhood . It was Renee and her kids , Heather and hers , Bill , me and our chickens . We had a great time . Then it was home and bed . Long day . On Thursday , Bill dropped the kids off at school and then took the Buick to get the mirror fixed . Unfortunately , they didn 't have the parts , so he waited there for a long time for nothing . I got up and showered and headed into Brigham and Women to meet with a nutritionist . She was very nice . We discussed my history , food plans , the fact that I gain easily and where I wanted to go from there . We discussed upping protein and lowering carb intake . Perfect plan if I could just stick to it . I rushed home because Bill had to work for 5 : 00 pm because he had two days cancelled due to the storm . Talk about stress . Very frustrating trying to get out of Boston at that hour . He went off to work / school and I fed the kids and put them to bed . On Friday , I dropped the girls off and then went for a walk . I got Manny from school and we went home for lunch and a nap . I then did a few things around the house before getting the girls . Bill worked the football game that night for the fire department , so I took the three kids with me to a meeting about Yamira becoming a Daisy . They did okay . I then took them home and put them to bed and then Bill came home . On Saturday Bill had to work from 7 : 00 am - 2 : 00 pm . So I took the three kids and drove into Chinatown in Boston . We were trying a new Dumpling group run by Boston University students and MIT students . We were only there for 1 and 1 / 2 hours , but had a nice time . The students both male and female were fantastic . The kids played " Simon Says " with Chinese terms like " Rice Bowl . " It was adorable . Then they learned how to make spring rolls . All kids made like ten of them and had help from the students . Each kid had their own student to themselves . Talk about service . Then the kids had to pick candy up out of bowls with chop sticks . That was a lot of fun . They then ate their spring rolls . Not Ping though because it had vegetables in it . So we wrapped them up and brought them home to daddy . The kids them played " Red light , green light . " Then it was time to go home . We had a nice time . We stopped in Waltham to get some chicken wings from this great place and then we headed home . Bill was on from 6 : 00 pm - 10 : 00 pm but there were no calls . The next day Bill took the kids to breakfast at church and then they went to Sunday School . When they got home , the girls got dressed at 12 : 30 pm and then I took them to the Hanover Theatre for " Tea and Cookies with Clara . " It was only an hour long . The girls have cookies , meet the ballerina Clara from the Nutcracker , listen to the story of the Nutcracker , color a cookie and then we are done . They went last year and had a ball . I felt really bad I didn 't take Manny . I have never seen a little boy there . I should have brought him anyway , he is young enough that he wouldn 't have cared if he was the only boy . After tea , me and the girls did a few errands before heading home . After dinner it was showers and bed . On Monday , I dropped off the kids since Bill was working . I then went for a six mile walk . After I went to get Manny and then headed home . I fed Manny and he watched some TV and then had a nap . I spent a good six hours cleaning out kitchen cabinets and drawers . I didn 't finish though . I was so achy by the end of the night , I could barely walk . That could be due to the enormous blister I have on my left toe . Ouch . Bill took Ping to Brownies . I picked up . It was a productive day , but an exhausting one at that . Manny had a decent day at school , but Yamira had an awful one . Very upsetting . It is what it is . Today was an awful day . I was very teary today . Not sure where that is coming from . Took the kids to school and then went for a walk . Went to Target , picked up Manny who had a terrible day at school and then went to vote . We then went home for lunch . I discovered that what I went to Target for was damaged , so Manny and I jumped in the car and went back to Target which is a good 20 minutes away . We then went to another Target because they didn 't have another one in stock . We then went to get the car cleaned . We didn 't get home till a few minutes before I had to get the girls . So off to get the girls and then home for homework . The girls played while Manny hung out in " time out " and I tried to get some things done . I wasn 't terribly successful . What a waste of a day . So upset over a few bills from the water and sewer departments too . They bills are incredibly high and we do not know why and they don 't know why . They say a possible leak . WHERE ? Very upsetting as the bills are out of control . It 's very hard not earning a paycheck for two years and having Bill in school . It 's so expensive to live too . Wish I knew where people got their money . Seems like some people have quite a lot . Others not so much . Anyway , I have got to get off this computer and see what is going on with the election . |
Anyway , the three of us did a lap around the 4 . 5 - mile loop together . The first mile was about 9 : 25 , the second and third sped up to 8 : 18 and 7 : 50 as Clark wanted to run a couple faster miles and Pepper kept trying to pull ahead of him , and then the last 1 . 5 slowed back down . I think we ran the whole loop at an 8 : 36 / mile average according to my Garmin . I never did any strength training last night like I 'd been planning though . Then I stayed up late watching " Teen Mom , " because … well , I don 't know what exactly I find so mesmerizing about that show , but whatever . This morning , Clark got up early and asked if I wanted to do some strength training with him , but I pretty much just growled at him haha . I never realized how freaking slow the first mile is with that dog , as he pees on EVERY LITTLE BUSH . 13 : 20 ! The second one was 10 : 25 , which is still slow but that wasn 't his fault . There was a downed tree across the trail and we had to pick our way through the briars to get around it . I believe the third was 9 : 50 as he got distracted a few more times . Then we ran an additional 0 . 3 miles to bring today 's total to 3 . 3 miles . My best mileage month since LAST JUNE ! ( 148 miles . ) Also , at the end of March last year , my entire year 's total to date was 208 miles ; this year , I 'm already at 357 . I hope this upward trend continues ! Things went really well as far as racing went this month too . I ran a good 5K with Pepper , finished the Whale Challenge at Shamrock , including my first marathon in two years , and then ran the April Fools ' Day Challenge with Pepper . Those were my first four races since Rehoboth in early December . On to April ! I 'd like to hit around 150 miles this month , and throw in some speed work to start getting ready for the upcoming summer series . The only race on my schedule is the Cherry Blossom 10 - Mile Run on April 12 . I 'd thought about doing a cheap half marathon in Lewes a week after that , but my niece is getting baptized that morning , so that 's out . So , when I ran last Thursday , I was sweating in shorts and a tank top . By the time I ran again Saturday morning , the temperature had dropped , oh , about 50 degrees , and it was still really windy on top of it . January weather ! I had to go back to full length tights , multiple layers on top , gloves and an earband . I got in an easy lap around the 5 . 5 - mile loop . When we got to the beach house , we found Clark huddled in front of a space heater , trying to get the feeling back in his feet ! He said it was the coldest he 's ever been in the water , which is insane , considering he went surfing through the entire winter this year . The water is technically warming up , but he said the wind was the worst part . The beach house doesn 't have heat beyond the space heaters . Clark had turned them on before he left to go surfing , but it was still pretty chilly in the house that evening . Pepper was not happy , but we tried to keep him warm : I got myself registered , and then Pepper and I did a little warmup mile . I was still cold enough after warming up I decided to stick with my warmest winter running jacket for the race . I have never had to wear that jacket in a race before . Stupid " spring . " Anyway , at 10 a . m . , Pepper and I joined the rest of the runners at the start line near the fishing pier . I was the only one who brought a dog . Pepper was putting out the vibe to all the competition . Anyway , there were a whopping 38 runners . The race director told us to get into four groups of six and two groups of seven , and then line up at the start line . The race this year was going to start with a little relay event ! The oldest runner in the group had to take a hula hoop . We had a 61 - year - old woman in our group , so that went to her . The youngest had to take a jump rope . There was a 30 - year - old woman in our group , so she got that . The rest of us had to run the relay , with a golf ball in a plastic spoon . While those group members ran the relay race , the other two had to hula hoop and jump rope the whole time . Only when the relay race was complete could all group members start the course . And the clock started when the relay race began . Everyone else was heading for the parking lot exit , which had a locked gate across it . Apparently we were supposed to jump over that gate . I knew Pepper wouldn 't have that , so I ducked under it . Pepper followed me . The sand was really loose and hard to run through . Hard if you only had two legs , that is . Pepper was flying through this stuff . It was all I could do to keep up with him . The course turned off the beach , which I thought would be the end of the sand , but it continued a little farther . By the time we finally got out of the sand and back onto pavement , I was sapped , half a mile in ! Thanks , Pep ! I managed to get my breathing back under control as we ran along a paved bike path toward a youth camp . When we got to the camp , we had to make a basket on the basketball court . The race volunteer there offered to hold Pepper 's leash for me , and I got a basket on the first attempt . Right after the basketball court , we ran through a playground . On this playground was a piece of equipment , that kind of looked like two sloped rock walls for little kids , propped against each other to make a little " tent . " We had to crawl under it . For reference , here 's another runner coming out of it : I have never seen him manage to get out of that harness ! As soon as he was free , he started to trot away , the way we came from , to get back to the Jeep , I 'm sure haha . He was over it . We were back on pavement now , but we were going uphill , toward the World War II - era Fort Miles lookout . When we were almost to the top , we turned off the pavement onto another sandy trail , still going uphill . It was tough ! Pepper , of course , didn 't seem to notice , and just plowed on ahead , me dragging behind him . As we came to a clearing , I saw what looked like cones marking the next part of the course to the right , but two runners coming from my left . I thought there was a little out - and - back here that they were finishing , but it turned out they 'd just made a wrong turn . I pointed out the cones they hadn 't seen and let them go ahead of Pepper and me . Pepper loved the woods , but he didn 't do a great job of following the trail haha . He would leap right over logs laid along the side of the trail to mark it , or blow right by directional signs . I had to pull him back on course so many times ! There were some muddy pits and a lot of roots in other spots , but overall it was a nice trail , and it was great to be out of the wind . I didn 't realize it was there until we were pretty much on it . Pepper gave me a " what now ? " look . I told him to jump , and we both did . He easily cleared it . I would have if I 'd had any kind of running start , but jumping from a standstill like that , my right foot landed a little too close to the edge on the other side , and it got a little wet . We ran up the field and crossed the line . I stopped my Garmin - 3 . 5 miles in 29 : 54 , an 8 : 37 / mile average . Our miles ranged from 8 : 06 to 9 : 24 ( the first one , when he got out of his harness . ) It was a short run back to the fishing pier where we 'd parked . There was a guy making pancakes for everyone in the race director 's trailer . Since I 'd forgotten to bring any post - run treats for Pepper , I shared my pancake with him . He seemed to like it just as much as anything . Then they did the awards . Pepper and I finished eighth overall . I was second overall female of 18 , and first of five in the F 30 - 39 age group . I got a little wooden award . Pepper and I drove back to Fenwick . Clark and I got takeout from Papa Grande 's for lunch . After lunch , Clark wanted to go surfing again , so he went to the Indian River inlet while Pepper and I headed home . I was back in time for the second half of the Martinsville race , which Denny Hamlin won . Last night , we went to Clark 's parents ' house to celebrate my birthday . His mom made me salmon , brown rice and asparagus , and a big chocolate cake with chocolate frosting . It was all delicious ! It was warm and humid , shorts and a tank top weather , which was awesome ! It was also really windy . Not so awesome . When I left the house , I found it was also lightly raining , even though the sun was out . I did the 4 . 5 - mile loop . I managed to leave the house right as another storm was moving through , apparently . By the end of the first mile , the sun had disappeared and I was in the middle of a full - on downpour in 20 mph wind . It actually felt pretty nice since it was so warm out , except for the stupid wind , of course . Today , I did something I haven 't done in a while - I went to a hot yoga class . It was a tough class ! I was pouring sweat , and several times I could feel muscles starting to shake while trying to hold poses . I thought I was just out of practice until I heard the instructor , talking to one of the other students after class , say she liked strengthening poses so she might have gone a little overboard on them today . The other student said something about how he thought he was dying a couple of times , which made me feel better . It wasn 't just me ! I had to go to Walmart after the class to do our grocery shopping . I hate Walmart . It actually didn 't take too long today , for once , and I thought I was home - free as I pushed my cart through the pouring rain to my car . Ha , nope ! While I was unloading the groceries , some guy came up and said he needed to ask me a question . I thought he had a real question , but it turned out it was just another sob story , probably completely made up , that was obviously going to end with him asking for money . Then there was a twist - the guy , who was black himself , said he 'd stopped asking other black people in that parking lot because they 're all " too mean . " Maybe he thought I 'd be like " Yeah , racism ! Here 's a 20 ! " Instead I just continued to stare at him . I 'm pretty sure they were all " mean " because they don 't like being shaken down for money in a downpour outside freaking Walmart when they 're just trying to get the hell out of there and go about their day , moron ! That got him to finally quit talking . I didn 't even have to tell him I didn 't have any cash . He said " If you don 't have anything to give me , that 's OK " and he high - tailed it out of there before I could answer . Weirdo . Anyhow … I have a pretty quiet weekend to look forward to . Tomorrow , I 'll run something in the morning , and then in the afternoon , I have agreed to attend a Mary Kay party for a friend 's sister who 's trying to get into selling it . I made it pretty clear I won 't be buying anything , but I guess my friend 's sister has to do a certain number of " makeovers " or something so sure , I 'll let her spackle on some foundation . Sunday , I might go to Cape Henlopen State Park and do an April Fool 's Challenge race . They don 't tell you the distance beforehand , and then they lead you through the woods , on the beach and on the paved trails and roads . It looks like fun , but every time I thought about doing it before , I wound up getting injured or something came up that kept me from being able to . Then there 's the Martinsville race to watch , and then Clark 's parents are having us over for dinner that night to celebrate my birthday . I asked for salmon . I can 't wait ! Filed under : Uncategorized - aschmid3 @ 10 : 45 am Yesterday , I took Pepper out for an easy 3 - miler . I didn 't feel like driving to the trail after all , so we just ran it on the road . Felt good to be out there again , and everything on me felt fine . Pepper looked like he had a normal run and acted normal the rest of the evening as well , but this morning , he was limping around . It looked like he was favoring one of his front paws . I couldn 't see anything stuck in between the pads , so who knows . About an hour ago , a neighbor 's dog wandered into the yard . Pepper went out and sprinted around with it for a while , looking totally fine . But then as soon as he came back inside , he was back to limping , and now he 's happily snoozing on the couch . I 'm starting to wonder if this little con artist just doesn 't want to go for a run with me haha . I think it 'll probably come down between Steamtown and Outer Banks at this point . On the one hand , I 've always wanted to do Steamtown again , but on the other , the timing works out better for the Outer Banks , and I haven 't been there in a long time so it would be nice to go back again . Not like I have to make a decision anytime soon , of course . After half - assing my way through my training plan all winter , I finished the Shamrock Marathon yesterday in 4 : 02 . Much to my surprise , I didn 't really start to feel the lack of training until the final 10K or so , but when it did finally hit , it hit hard . I 'm definitely training better for the next one ! The whole story starts back on Friday . It was the first day of spring , but we woke up to fresh snow on the ground and more coming down . It switched over to rain soon enough though , so it didn 't hamper travel plans , just made for a crappy start to spring . I got all my stuff packed that morning , and then went to lunch at the Tidewater Inn with my mom , sisters and aunts . I had to pick up Clark on my way home because the stupid Crown Vic wouldn 't start for him when he went to leave work . So he was a little later than intended getting home and packed , which meant we left a little later than intended for Virginia Beach , but it was no big deal . Saturday morning , all the rain and crap weather from the day before had cleared out . I got up 45 minutes before the 8K start . Not having to drive and find parking turned out to be awesome . I didn 't think I 'd care that much , but it was really nice staying so close to the start and finish of both races . Though it was nice and sunny , it was probably the coldest it 's ever been in all the years I 've been running Shamrock , and there was a bit of a breeze . I wore capri tights , a long - sleeved shirt and a short - sleeved shirt over top . Clark took this picture of me on our room 's balcony before I left . I didn 't have long to wait . The first corral was released , and then it was our turn . And the first leg of the Whale Challenge was under way ! I wore Clark 's Garmin , but I didn 't look at the pace while I was running . We had the wind at our backs the entire first two miles , which ran south down a street through downtown Virginia Beach . Then we got onto the boardwalk and ran back north , right into the wind . It was cold even after running two miles ! I changed into dry clothes and then Clark and I went to the beer tent . The past few years that I 've run the 8K , we only got two beers each , but this year , they upped it to four . I was going to split them with Clark , but he didn 't want any yet because he wanted to work out when we got back to the room , so I downed four Yuenglings before 11 a . m . Jen got in town that afternoon . It was about lunchtime , so we walked down the boardwalk looking for an open restaurant with an ocean view . We wound up having to walk a lot farther than expected , but we finally found one . After lunch , Clark took this picture of the entire Loop representation at Shamrock this weekend : Clark had asked me earlier that morning why I signed up for Shamrock even though I only knew one other person running it . Because it 's Shamrock ! I hadn 't joined the Loop and didn 't know anyone else running it in 2010 , the first year I went . It was a lot of fun the last few years when a ton of runners from the Loop came out for it , but that 's not why I kept going back . It 's my favorite race . As long as I 'm running , I 'll keep doing this one , whether I know anyone else there or not . The rest of the afternoon , Jen and I chilled out and guzzled water while Clark started on all the beer we 'd bought in Salisbury . That evening , we met one of Jen 's friends , who was also in town for the marathon , for dinner at Mojito Cafe , this little Latin restaurant not far from the motel . The place was tiny and we had to wait more than an hour for a table , but once we finally got to eat , it was worth the wait ! We had appetizers of fried plantains , chorizo con pan and house salads . Clark also had a couple of spicy mojitos , which seemed to push him over the edge from happily buzzed to flat drunk . When the waitress cleared away the appetizer plates , he looked her right in the eye and said , " I don 't want any dessert . " She gave him a weird look and went on her way . When we told him we had entrees coming , he seemed really surprised haha . " There 's MORE ? " When the entrees came , I had shrimp in a garlic sauce with beans , rice and asparagus . It wasn 't the pasta dinner I 'd normally eat before a marathon , but it was SO GOOD . I might have been a little worried about causing myself poop problems the next day during the marathon by trying something new , but I really didn 't care at that moment . I 'm pretty sure we were all awake before our alarms started going off at 7 : 15 a . m . Once again , since we were staying so close to the start line , we didn 't have to give ourselves any time to drive in and find parking . And since we didn 't know anyone running the half , which started at 7 a . m . , we didn 't have to get up in time for that either . It didn 't seem as chilly as Saturday morning , but it wasn 't supposed to warm up much more throughout the race , so I went with my capri tights again . Instead of a long - sleeved shirt though , I wore arm warmers with a short - sleeved shirt , and I wore throw away gloves , expecting to actually throw them away this time . ( I 'm pretty sure they 're the ones I bought for the 2013 Shamrock Marathon , which I wound up wearing all the way to the finish line . ) At 8 : 15 a . m . , I kissed Clark goodbye and Jen and I walked down to the marathon start line . Since Clark would probably have to check out of the room before we finished , we checked bags for the marathon . That took two seconds to drop off and then we made our way to the corrals . The marathon is the smallest race of the weekend , only 4 , 000 runners . ( Compared to 10 , 000 each in the 8K and half marathon . ) There were only four corrals . I was seeded in the first based on the 3 : 30 I 'd put on my registration ( back when I thought I was going to actually train - ha ! ) but I got in the back of the second corral instead . The 4 : 00 pace group was starting right at the front of the third corral . I 'd told Clark my pie - in - the - sky goal was to keep it under four hours , but I really didn 't know what to expect . It could take me four hours or it could take me six , for all I knew . The only thing I was sure of was that I wouldn 't be coming anywhere close to my PR of 3 : 40 . I think it finally hit me what I was about to do when I got in the corral and saw the big inflatable start line arch in front of me , with MARATHON printed on it . I got really nervous , really quick . Suddenly attempting a marathon after only running a few 10 - milers sounded unbelievably dumb . It 's one thing when you 're sitting on your couch , weeks out from the race , thinking " Oh yeah , no problem , I 've got this . Training shmaining . It 's too cold outside to run anyway . " It 's another thing when you 're standing in the corral , about to do it ! Well it was too late to back out now . The first corral was released , and then the second corral moved up to the start line . A minute later , the announcer counted us down and boom ! I was running my first marathon in two years . The first few miles were rough . Not physically - I felt totally fine - but mentally . I had no one to talk to and I never wear my iPod in races , so I had nothing to distract myself from the negative voices already filling my head . How far am I actually going to be able to run today ? Ten miles ? Fifteen ? Twenty if I 'm lucky ? How long is it going to take to walk the rest of the way to the finish line ? Why the hell am I here ? Who am I kidding ? It was a miserable mental state to be in that early in a marathon ! I talked myself out of dropping out so many times in those first few miles . In spite of that , those first miles slipped away easily enough . I was just below 9 : 00 / mile pace . We made a U - turn at about mile 5 . 4 . Suddenly the wind was in our faces . A guy near me said " Geez , where did THAT come from ? " The wind wasn 't as bad as it 's been the past couple of years , but it still sucks to go from running with it at your back to running into it like that . Right after that though , we passed the 10K mark , and a woman running near me said " Just a 20 - miler now ! " We were into training run territory ! Not that I did anything close to a 20 - miler in training for this one , but for some reason it really helped hearing that . I started to come up out of my mental fog . I thanked volunteers controlling traffic and working the water stops . I gave little kids high fives . I smiled at spectators and they cheered me on by name , since it was printed on my bib . It was all helping , and I was finally happy to be running the marathon . Only took an hour or so ! After mile 7 , we ran into Camp Pendleton , a small military installation . There were some DJs blaring music , and a lot of service members had come out , in uniform , to line the road and give the runners high fives . It was a pretty fun section of the course . We left Camp Pendleton around mile 9 , then headed back up and over the Rudee Inlet bridge . I ate my second GU on the way back down the bridge . There was a water stop right around the corner . I took some more water and took another salt cap . Now we were past mile 10 and I was coming up on the longest distance I 'd ran since the Rehoboth half marathon in early December . Those negative voices started to come up again . I tried to push them back down as we ran out onto the boardwalk . It was the same stretch of boardwalk we 'd run during the 8K the day before , just a lot less crowded ! About halfway to the turn off from the boardwalk , I spotted my first half marathon runner on the side of the course , done with his race , draped in the beach towel they were giving finishers , with his shoes off . Oh my god I wished so hard I 'd signed up for the half at that moment ! I 'd be done ! But nooooo , I had another 15 - plus miles to run . Oh well . The crowds got thicker the closer to the turn off we got . Around 25th Street , we left the boardwalk and ran back through the downtown area . This was the best part of the course . There were plenty of spectators , including a ton of half marathon runners cheering on the marathoners . Well now I had a new distraction - all the half marathon walkers heading back toward the boardwalk finish , as I ran out toward Fort Story . I also knew the marathon leader should be coming through soon , so I watched for him . I saw him pass mile 23 when I was at about mile 15 . Around mile 16 , I ate my third GU , took another salt cap and drank some more water . I spotted a small bank of port - o - potties just ahead and thought maybe I should try to use the bathroom . I didn 't have emergency - level gut pangs , but I thought I might soon , so might as well take advantage of those nice empty port - o - potties . It turned out I only had to pee , but I felt a lot better after . I managed to run the rest of the way out of Fort Story , past mile 22 . I think it was just before mile 23 I had to take my first walk break that wasn 't at a water stop . I knew I only had a 5K to go , but things were really starting to hurt , especially my feet . It wasn 't the shoes themselves , and I didn 't have any blisters , but my feet hadn 't taken a beating like that for more than an hour and a half in a long time , and they were pissed . The 4 : 00 pace group passed me during one of my walk breaks . The pace group leader reached out to me as he passed and told me to run it in with them . My head was all " Yes ! I 'm coming with you ! " but then my feet were all " LOL no you 're not . " I watched them disappear . In spite of how much things were hurting , I didn 't feel too bad . I was only a couple of miles from the end ! I really didn 't expect to make it that far before I felt like that . So I was still smiling as I was passing spectators . Two women yelled my name as they saw me coming . One said " Look at you ! You 're so perky and you 're running on your toes , this close to the end ! There should be a law against that ! " I wanted to tell her she should 've seen my heel strike during the multiple walk breaks I 'd taken just before I saw her watching me haha . Now I was past the mile 25 marker and so close ! I knew sub - 4 wasn 't going to happen but who cares ! I 'm running this in the rest of the way ! I heard some kind of weird crying - gasping noise near me , and noticed a woman , running , full - on sobbing . I couldn 't tell if she was in pain or just really happy or what . I said something encouraging to her , as did another guy running near us and pretty much every spectator who saw her coming . I got my drop bag and changed into dry clothes , and then found Clark . We walked back to my car so I could throw my wet running clothes in it , and then stopped at a bar on the way back to the finisher 's area so he could use the bathroom and I could get my first post - marathon beer , a Starr Hill Reviver red IPA . It was appropriately named , and delicious . By that time , Jen had finished . She has always run a PR in this marathon , dating back to 2011 , but yesterday was not her day and the streak was broken . So we took this picture with the PR bell on the beach : We picked up Pepper from Clark 's parents ' house and were home by 9 : 30 . I was so jazzed up I unpacked everything , and still had trouble falling asleep . It was a pretty great day . Today , I 'm sore , but not too bad . I didn 't get any blisters on my feet , but I did get a little chafing on my back from the closure on my sports bra strap . Other than that , I 'm no worse for the wear . The Army guy was still running laps . As I came around the corner to finish the third repeat , the other guy , the one in camo running the stopwatch , started yelling something . I had my earbuds in and couldn 't tell if he was yelling at me or the other guy running , but I guess it took me back to basic training and lit a fire under my butt , because I finished that one in 1 : 41 . Another recovery lap , and then it was time for the last 400 . As I was coming onto the backstretch , I could see the Army guy nearing the other end of it , heading into the final turn . I made it my goal to lap him one more time before I finished this last repeat . Well , apparently that was also his final lap , because he started sprinting for the spot where the other guy was waiting with the stopwatch . I almost got him before he finished , but not quite . Still , that last repeat came in at 1 : 40 , my best of the day . Well , they weren 't . First , there was a white work van parked ON the trail , just inside the woods , which was odd , to say the least . I have no clue what it was doing there . One guy , who was outside the van , jumped in the passenger 's seat and shut the door when he saw Pepper and me coming . There were no markings on the van , but there were a couple ladders on a rack on top of it . Well that made me laugh . I promised them Pepper wouldn 't hurt them , which of course , he didn 't . He just stared at them curiously as we made our way around them . So that was weird . I was so worried about having to repeat that scene I took a different route back to the parking lot . Normally I 'd run that section of trail twice . My calves can still feel that 5K three freaking days ago ! But every short run seems to loosen them up more . They 're almost back to normal now . They had cleared out most of the downstairs tables in anticipation of a crowd , which meant we had to wait quite a while for a table to open up for dinner upstairs , nearly two hours . Oh darn , that just meant more time to sit at the bar . Whatever should we do while we wait ? Mike and I both had stuff to do early Saturday - he teaches a welding class and I was signed up for that 5K - so we didn 't get too loaded . Clark , on the other hand , had absolutely nothing to do the next morning , so he took full advantage . Mike had to pull Clark out of his truck when we got home haha . Saturday morning , I got up around 7 to feed Pepper and get ready for the race . It was raining its ass off , as expected , but it wasn 't as cold as they 'd said it would be , which was a nice surprise . Rain doesn 't bother me , but a cold rain sucks . Around 8 , I was ready to go . Pepper was curled up in bed with Clark when I asked him if he wanted to go for a run with me . The look on his face clearly said " Are you stupid ? It 's raining out there , idiot . " So I asked if he wanted to go for a ride with me . That got him moving haha . Pep got to ride in the Jeep , his favorite ! The race began and ended at the community center in Denton . Pepper didn 't recognize where we were , but the sight of all the other people milling around really got him worked up . I had to wait in line for a couple minutes to pick up my race bib , and he was leaping on me and darting all over the place , as much as his leash would allow . I was beginning to worry he was going to be a disaster when we had to run with the crowd . After I 'd pinned on my bib , we still had about 15 minutes before the 9 a . m . start . I hit a port - o - potty and figured a warm up would be a good idea . So Pepper and I sped around the side streets near the community center for about a mile . It was faster than I 'd normally run a warm up , but Pepper seemed to think I 'd just forgotten how to get back to the Jeep so we could go home , and was bent on leading me to it as soon as possible haha . It looked like people were gathering near the start line , so Pepper and I joined them . Most people were trying to huddle under a couple of tents , but I was wet already and only going to continue to get rained on once the race started , so why bother ? The look on Pepper 's face was priceless as we stood in the pouring rain for no apparent reason . He looked absolutely pitiful , like he couldn 't figure out what he 'd done to deserve this . If cartoon thought bubbles were a real thing , he 'd have had one above his head with a picture of Clark asleep in our nice warm ( dry ) bed at home haha . About five minutes past 9 , they were ready to get us going . We all moved onto the street behind the starting mats . Pepper and I started pretty close to the front , all the way to one side . I had absolutely no time goal for the race , and didn 't wear a Garmin because I really didn 't care about pace . My only two goals were for Pepper to not piss off anyone else by getting in their way , and for neither of us to have a Code Abby . But just in case Pepper did , I carried a plastic bag to clean it up . The race director was trying to give some last - minute instructions - this was the first year they had a 10K option , so 5K runners would have to be on the lookout for their turnaround - which was just getting Pepper more anxious . I was trying to keep him pointed forward but he kept turning around to look at everyone else . I was getting increasingly nervous he was going to just flip the hell out when everyone took off . Then we got the start commands , and it was like Pepper had known exactly what to do the whole time . He took off in a straight line with the crowd , pretty as you please . No one came anywhere close to getting tangled up with him . That was a relief ! We started picking off people from the beginning . Every time we 'd pull up alongside someone else , Pepper would look over at them like he was trying to say " Hey , you 're running ? ME TOO ! Isn 't this great ? I just love running ! Alright then , see ya later ! " And then he 'd pull away and start running down the next person haha . The 5K course was a simple out - and - back through Denton 's side streets from the community center to the elementary school . There were a few turns that Pepper didn 't seem interested in making , so I had to pull him in the right direction . And for a dog who normally hates water , he seemed to be going out of his way to splash through the biggest puddles , which meant I did too . It was fun ! By the time we passed the first mile marker , there weren 't many runners ahead of us . I didn 't look at the timer on my watch . I felt pretty good and I didn 't want to ruin it by finding out we were running really slow ! Only one 5K runner got to the turnaround before Pepper and me . The two guys who were running just ahead of us when we got to it continued straight , as they were doing the 10K , which really confused Pepper . I had a little trouble convincing him to turn around . I still felt great for this last stretch , much to my surprise ! It 's been since last summer that I raced a 5K , and I haven 't done much speedwork since then . I really thought I was going to feel a lot worse by that point in the race . Of course , for all I knew , I might have just been running a lot slower than last summer . As we approached the line , I tried to make out the numbers on the race clock . At first I thought it started with a 24 . Holy crap , I WAS slow ! I was really happy with that ! There were a couple places on the course , near the beginning , where we got a little hung up trying to pass other runners , and of course there were the times I 'd had to pull Pepper back in the right direction , the confusion at the turnaround and all those puddles we 'd had to go out of our way to splash through . We probably could have finished closer to 21 : 45 , not that it mattered , but it 's nice to know where I am . I got a towel out of the Jeep and took him into the community center to try to dry him off a little . We hung around a little bit , but we had to leave before they did the awards . There were several other dogs on the course , but only one other dog signed up for the separate dog division , and Pepper absolutely creamed it - it finished 10 minutes behind us . The parks and rec director said she 'd bring Pepper 's big award to the commissioners ' meeting tomorrow . It kept right on raining , but it didn 't really put a damper on the festivities . We each got a 4 - oz . tasting glass and a beer log with all 16 samples printed on it . Each sample was served by a different employee , who signed our log . Most of the samples were being served in a huge tent on the lawn . A lot of the samples were paired with food . For instance , the scrapple beer was paired with a teeny scrapple taco . I don 't even like scrapple and I liked that taco . We stayed at the pub until about 10 : 30 . Much to our surprise , Pepper hadn 't pooped in the back room when we got home ! What a good dog ! We spent most of the day lounging on the couch . It had stopped raining outside , but had gotten really windy . Around 3 p . m . , I decided to go for a short run , even though my calves were tight after that 5K the day before . The run sucked ! Mostly because of the wind . If it was blowing from the side , it was almost knocking me over . And forget running head - on into it . The gusts would almost stop me in my tracks . Oh well . They can 't all be awesome . We were all in Clark 's grandmother 's Lincoln Town Car . As we approached the intersection near McDonald 's in Federalsburg , coming from the direction of the circle , an old Chevy Blazer , coming from the direction of Preston , came screaming around that right turn at the intersection . It was going so fast the driver lost control and skidded into our lane , barreling right for us . I didn 't notice it until I saw the look on Clark 's face . Then I looked up , saw this old Blazer fishtailing all over the place on the wrong side of the road right in front of us , and my only thought was " Dammit , the one time I don 't put on my seatbelt ! " The rest of the drive to Annapolis was fine . We saw the progress that 's been made on Chad and Samira 's house , and then we all went to dinner at this really nice Italian restaurant downtown . After dinner , we went back to their house for dessert , a red velvet cake Clark 's mom made . On the way home , we got stuck in traffic on Kent Island , right before the Kent Narrows bridge . All eastbound lanes were closed , and all the traffic had to get into a single - file line on the shoulder to pass an accident scene . There was a burned - out minivan and the crumpled shell of what used to be a small white car . Car parts were everywhere . It looked like cops were trying to recreate what exactly had happened by the time we got there . We later found out that accident had happened more than three hours earlier , when the minivan , going the wrong way , ran head - on into the white car . The van burst into flames . The van 's driver was flown out to shock trauma , but both people in the car died at the scene . Nothing has been confirmed , but I wouldn 't be at all shocked to find out the minivan 's driver was drunk . There 's not much else that can explain going the wrong way on Rt 50 and not noticing it until you 've plowed into someone head - on . Plus , the drunks always seem to survive those crashes , since they 're so wasted they don 't realize what 's happening and don 't tense up . |
So , I had to leave to drive to a hearing this afternoon , and gave myself plenty of time ( strange for me ) . As I 'm getting to an intersection on the way to the freeway , I notice these two girls , probably mid to late teens , walking across the street from where I am . I initially noticed them because of the dyed black hair and short shorts , but then noticed a guy walk up to them and start talking . He had come from the opposite direction so I just kinda looked ( I was stopped at a red light at the time ) , all of a sudden the guy puts his arm around one girl 's shoulders and then lifts her in the air and threw her down onto the ground ( HARD ) . He then picked her up by her hair and started dragging her . The other girls starts screaming and he lets go and walks off and gets into a car as they start running the other direction . I was so shocked - - I hollered out my window to see if they were ok and they ran across two lanes of traffic begging me to give them a ride . I didn 't really think and just unlocked the doors and let them in . I ended up taking them to one of their sister 's neighborhoods ( there was traffic construction and so they walked the rest of the way ) , but while they were in the car they borrowed my phone to call the sister and then they were talking about the fact that the guy had a gun , mentioned they had had a knife , and I really started questioning my thought process . They mentioned that they had called 911 , and then they took the battery out of their cell phone and one of them mentioned that they had warrants so the police would have arrested them and not the guy . Yikes ! I know now that I should not have let them in the car - - but I kept thinking to myself what if that were my daughter and her best friend , I would have wanted someone to help them . I probably should have dropped them off at the fire station that we passed , but again , I just wasn 't thinking . After I did let them out ( with them thanking me profusely and commenting that there are still nice people in the world ) , I started shaking . First , I did a minor overhaul on the blog . I was getting tired of the polka dots and wanted things moved around a bit , so I did a minor tweak . I 'm not sure if it will stay this way , but for now , I like it . Zoe made a change . While she thought trombone was the end all be all of instruments , the initial fascination quickly disappeared . Luckily , her teacher was willing to let her switch instruments . She really wanted to play clarinet , but there are already too many clarinets in class , so she switched to flute . Today was her first official day playing - - and with only one lesson ( a group one at that ) she seems to be doing just fine . Better than fine , in my opinion . To be able to play two songs after about 1 / 2 hour of instruction ? I couldn 't do it ! Zienna has a bit change tomorrow , too . She is moving preschools . While we had done a lot of research on preschools before deciding where to send her , we realized last week that we really weren 't getting the warm fuzzies that we have had with other preschools . She seemed to like it enough , but didn 't know all the kids names , and it just wasn 't really jiving for us . When that combined with an incident that happened at the school ( didn 't involve Zienna , but one that definitely put us on guard and one that we had semi - discussed the night prior ) , we decided it was time to do some more research . So , effective tomorrow , Zienna will be going to school with Zoe . They have a preschool and she will be in the pre - kindergarten class . She can got to school with Zoe and gets picked up at the same time as Zoe - - a win - win for Scott as it reduces trips and gas . In addition , she will no longer have to take naps ( which she hasn 't really done in over a year anyway ) and she gets to bring her own lunch - ok , not a win for us , but definitely one for her as she envies her brother and sister being able to bring a lunch box . Scott has her out right now getting a hair cut and tomorrow will be the big day ! I posted over a month ago about school starting for the kids and now they are in full swing . Zach is continuing to do well , maintaining straight As except in one class , but that is moving in the right direction . He learned the hard way that he needs to be prepared for class - he lost full credit for a day of reading . It is taking time to pull it up , but he is doing it . Zoe is experiencing her first year of actual grades . She is maintaining As and Bs , but she just doesn 't seem to have the same drive that Zach does . She isn 't putting herself into school as much as she could . Even her teacher thinks that she could be an A student , but it just isn 't a priority like it is for Zach . I am hoping that when grades actually come out , she will have a change of heart and move toward working harder . Zoe does have her first chance to play an instrument this year . She was initially looking at clarinet or flute , then wanted to play saxophone , but ultimately , based upon the music teacher 's impression , she is playing trombone . She has been playing for two weeks and can actually play notes and some easy songs . I 'm very impressed . She is also participating in choir and seems to be loving that as well . Zienna LOVES school . She is almost upset when the weekend comes . Almost every morning she asks if she gets to go to school . She did miss out on school the week of Labor Day because she contracted pink eye . She HATED that week . Although she was still home with daddy , she was very upset at not being able to go to school . And her friend Brooklyn was apparently missing her too . Brooklyn now makes sure that she is coming back the next day . It is very cute . She is learning a little bit of Spanish and some sign language . She is so cute trying to teach all of this to us . We 've had Zach 's & Zoe 's school photos , but Zienna 's aren 't until next week . I will make a point of posting them all once we have them . Posted by I cannot believe the summer is over - - summer vacation at least . Yesterday , Butter and Baby Bean started school . Bean starts tomorrow . I can only hope that tomorrow runs more smoothly than yesterday and today did ! Baby Bean has been sooo excited about starting school . She is in the pre - kindergarten class and although she told daddy that she needed one of us to go with her , that idea quickly fled from her head once she got there and began making friends . But first , we had to get there ! We woke up on time , I actually got out of bed and started getting ready . When I went to dry my hair I heard Baby Bean crying - - walked out and found out that she had tripped and fell . She left daddy 's arms and came to mine , where I noticed she was bleeding - - she didn 't have a shirt on yet . Daddy thought it was from her own nails - - but it became obvious that wasn 't the case when I saw several scratches on her chest and arm and hand . Turns out when she tripped , she fell onto Shack who was sleeping on the ground . Shack , being a cat , retaliated . We got Baby Bean all cleaned up , dressed and we were out the door . In the meantime , turns out Shack got hurt too - - he pulled a claw out completely which earned him a trip to the vet , a shot of antibiotics and a purple & blue polka - dotted bandage on his hind leg . We are still trying to figure out exactly what happened . Once we got to school yesterday , Baby Bean was a bit nervous , but had a little girl come up to her right away and introduce herself . She designated herself Baby Bean 's " first friend . " Although Baby Bean had asked me to stay for awhile , within minutes she was off with her friend and reading . I was told it was ok to go to work and got a big " I love you , mom " as I walked away . When daddy picked her up , she was very upset that she had to leave and couldn 't stay to take a nap . This coming from a child who has not voluntarily taken a nap in about a year . Go figure . She definitely enjoyed her first day and said she was excited to be able to go back ! This morning , we figured things would go better - - it couldn 't go worse , right ? Wrong ! Turns out one of the dogs ( we think it was Zane ) got into the Organic Compost Starter and it did not react kindly to his digestive system - - or for that matter our carpeting ! One big mess in the bedroom and one even bigger next to his crate ( hence why we think it was Zane ) . Luckily , the stuff is non - toxic and we were told that as long as he is eating and keeping his food down , we are ok - - one less vet bill thank goodness . Baby Bean was another trooper this morning getting to school . When we got there , no one was in the classroom . I was wondering exactly what was going on , when a little boy ( age 4 ) who had also just gotten there ( or had just come out of the bathroom ) , told me that everyone was outside . Ok , makes sense , play outside before it hits 100 degrees . When I started looking for the sign in book , this little boy looked at me and said , " you have a lot to learn . " How do little kids get so smart like that . In any event , we went outside , signed in and Baby Bean was off . I am so thankful that she is doing so well . As for Butter - - he is big man on campus , being in the 8th grade ( and being 5 ' 10 " ) . He is very happy with his schedule . He shares band and tutorial with his girlfriend - - so he gets to start and end his day with her . I 'm glad she isn 't in any other classes so that she isn 't a distraction . He loves his core teacher - - who is apparently the best 8th grade core teacher . And the fact that she likes the Giants only makes it better . He went and got all his school supplies yesterday and was off to class today with everything he needs . I 'm just hoping that he really stays on top of things this year . In 8th grade late assignments are not accepted and I know he really wants to keep his straight A record ! This afternoon is the Back - to - School BBQ at Bean 's school . I hope I get back in town in time to go . She will get to find out her teacher - - which if everything is going as it is supposed to , will be the same teacher as last year . I 'm a little concerned as the website still shows him teaching 3rd grade , but he was supposed to move up to 4th and we asked to have her loop . We will find out for sure this evening . My last post was on June 22nd and at that time we were contemplating going to Disneyland . Well , we did more than contemplate - - we did it ! In fact , we left on July 4th - - a mere 12 days after we started talking about it . I 'm really glad that we just jumped forward and did it because it turned out sooo great ! We rented a mini - van and got a portable DVD player for the trip - - again , another great idea ! The trip to Southern California took about ten hours , but the trip home took twelve . So thankful for the DVD player and for my nook ! We were able to get a kidsuite room at the Portofino Inn & Suites . It worked out beautifully . We were able to watch the fireworks from our room , the kids had their own room and actually slept ! Baby Bean loved it because she got to sleep on the top bunk . Originally , Bean and Baby Bean were going to take turns , but Bean decided that it was fine for Baby Bean to sleep up there the whole week . We had a tv in both rooms and a fridge and microwave , which definitely helped . We opted for the five - day park hopper pass . We were able to get them for the price of a three - day , which saved a ton . My initial thoughts were that we would spend three days at Disneyland and two days at California Adventure . Turns out we never left Disneyland - - looked at California Adventure , but never went over there . It also worked out well that we spent Monday through Friday at the park . We didn 't have to deal with weekend crowds and for the most part didn 't have too much of a crowd issue while we were there . We also ended up buying the Verizon Mobile Magic app for my phone . We used the 24 hour trial and it was so worth it that I spent the money for the 6 - month pass ( we just need to go again before January 4th ! ) The longest line we waited in ( other than to meet the Princesses & Pixie Hollow ) was 45 minutes . That was for the Finding Nemo Submarines - - the first ride we did . After that , we used Mobile Magic to find the shortest wait times and to locate the times for fast passes . It was great . Most of the time our wait was 20 minutes or less ! Even on rides such as Splash Mountain , the Matterhorn and Indiana Jones . We soon found out that Baby Bean is a thrill seeker ! She loved all the big rides - - she couldn 't get enough of Splash Mountain and the Matterhorn . She thought Space Mountain was " awesome , " but it made hubby sick , so we only did that one once . After riding the bigger rides , the Go Coaster in Toon Town just didn 't have that much appeal . We did spend our time meeting Mickey & Minnie in Toon Town , and riding Roger Rabbit , but we spent much more time out with the big rides . It was so much fun to watch Baby Bean throughout the week . I think the highlight was on Thursday when we waited to meet the Princesses . She had dressed up that morning as Cinderella for our morning Character Breakfast . She put the costume back on , just to meet everyone . Her favorite Princess of all time is Ariel . I 'm not sure what it is , but hands down Ariel is the one she most wanted to meet . Well , we were in luck . They had three Princesses As for the character breakfast , it almost didn 't happen . We made reservations , but then started thinking that it was a lot of money for breakfast . The older two said they didn 't really care , so we decided not to go . The reservations were for 8 : 10am , and the kids hadn 't been getting up before 7 : 30 anyway . So the morning that we were " supposed " to go , Baby Bean started asking and we mentioned that we weren 't going . She about lost it - - so I called and said we overslept and they ended up squeezing us in at 10 : 30 . We are so glad they did . The kids got to meet lots of characters , the breakfast was great , and it was really brunch . The cost was actually about the same as we had been spending on breakfast and lunch anyway , so it was a wash . And worth it to get autographs and photos for the kids to remember . Wednesday was interesting . We were watching the band play around 4 : 30 and I thought I felt an earthquake . Turns out I was right and the park ended up closing all the rides to make sure there was no damage . We walked around thinking that we would stick it out until everything reopened , but ultimately we decided to leave and go to the beach . We had wanted to take time for the beach since Baby Bean had never been and Bean doesn 't remember ever going . This ended up being the perfect excuse . We drove down to Laguna Beach , showed Butter the hospital where he was born and then went to the same beach that we spent almost every Sunday morning at for several years when we lived down there . Baby Bean couldn 't get enough . It was late and we only paid for 30 minutes of parking , but it ended up being perfect . It was fun during the week with Butter . We would find different areas where we took his photo when he was 3 1 / 2 , and then try to recreate the photo now . One in particular was next to a statue of Dumbo . When we were there ten years ago , his head barely reached the top of the podium . Now , at 5 ' 9 " , he towered over the statue . We also took a picture of Baby Bean asleep in the stroller , just like Butter had been ten years ago . I don 't think Butter expected the trip to be as much fun as it was . I think he was expecting it to be very baby - ish , but he proved himself wrong ! And , of course , no vacation can be complete without a little bit of drama . Friday was going to be our catch up day - - you know , the day where you do the things you didn 't get to do and re - do the things you really wanted to do . Butter and Bean both had lists of what they wanted to do . We started the morning with our souvenir shopping ( we had a 20 % discount if used before noon ) . Then , I took the girls to Pixie Hollow and hubby took Butter to get a caricature done . When we were done , we ( the girls ) headed to the restroom - - while I was in there , Bean ended up getting a bloody nose . We got it stopped and then went outside where it promptly started up again . I didn 't know what to do , so I stopped an employee who offered to call a nurse ( since we were a ways from the first aid station and I couldn 't have Bean walk all that way with her head back ) . A very nice security guard came over - - we got a chair for Bean and I called hubby and Butter to let them know where we were and what was happening . Then the nurse showed up and gave Bean some ice and talked to me about what to do . At that point I noticed that we essentially had a wall of security all around us . I have no idea when they all showed up , but no one could get by or see us . Not even hubby and Butter ! I finally noticed and told security that they were with us . The whole thing took a good 45 minutes to an hour out of the day and made Bean paranoid about going on any big rides . As a result , the rest of the day was pretty mellow . We even ran into the security guard later who remembered Bean and asked how she was doing . I think one of the best memories that I will keep from the week was on Friday night . We never stayed for the fireworks - - opting to go to the hotel and watch from there . On Friday we had initially decided that we were going to stay til the park closed . Then Butter got some stomach bug and wanted to go back to the hotel , and Baby Bean fell asleep . While I wanted to stay , I told hubby to stay with Bean and just enjoy the rest of the night . They ended up staying until after the park closed and didn 't get back to the room until 1 : 30am ! Butter , Baby Bean and I headed back to the front gate to pick up our purchases from earlier in the day . Butter really needed a bathroom break , but offered to carry Baby Bean over to watch the fireworks while I waited ( they couldn 't find our three HUGE bags ) . When I finally got to them , he said that he would stick it out until the fireworks were over - - he was holding Baby Bean the entire time . When they were over , and we were walking to the bus to take us to the hotel , Butter said , " Mom , I really need to go to the bathroom , but I didn 't want to leave because the look in Baby Bean 's eyes over the fireworks was too sweet . I loved watching her watch them , mom . " It was probably the sweetest thing he has ever said and I knew then that he gets the magic as much as I do ! We have been dying to take the kids to Disneyland . Butter hasn 't been in almost 10 years - - I know because we conceived Bean at Disneyland and she just turned nine ! We keep telling the kids we are going to go and then finances just don 't let us do it . We always think we are going to go and we say we are going to do it and it just doesn 't happen . It has been a tough few years for us and every time we think we are turning a corner , it just doesn 't happen . So , we just filed our taxes and we should be getting some money back soon , so we think we are just going to do it . The hotel that we want to use has a really good discount rate right now ( like $ 119 a night versus $ 179 ) , and we could do it mega cheap . The room has bunk beds for the kids and a fridge and microwave so we can do our own meals . The kids will understand that it is on the mega - cheap plan - - at least they get to go . I 'm starting to get excited . I love Disneyland . When we lived in the OC I would buy annual passes . I studied at the park while waiting for Fantasmic to start . I went to the park just to go shopping for my nephew 's first birthday . When I was lucky enough to go last year , by myself , it was still so magical . It was nice doing it alone because I got to do things I wouldn 't have done with the kids . But I also saw things that I purposely didn 't do because I wanted to experience it first through Zienna 's eyes ( stuff in California Adventure ) . We NEED to make this happen this time ! I really wasn 't expecting much from this birthday . It 's just another day and another year . But I was turning 45 - - not a big deal , but halfway between 40 and 50 . To me it kind of meant something , even if I was perfectly happy with the age . So why am I so bummed that the birthday never " really " happened ? Having a birthday in the middle of the week is never good and this on was on Thursday ( June 17th ) . It also doesn 't help that I had to travel 200 miles away , but was going to be home the evening of my birthday . I left the day before and did get to go to a baseball game with a friend ( go Giants ! ) . Her birthday is six days before me - - so this was a joint celebration . Then we went out for dinner and drinks after . Ok , so there was some celebrating . Then , on my birthday , I got my work done and met up with some co - workers for lunch . I did let it slip that it was my birthday and the waitress must have heard , because they did bring me ice cream and sing . That was embarrassing but fun . I headed home and made it back in town by 4 : 00 . Finished up some work and headed home . Was home by 5 : 30 - - thought we would have a nice dinner at home with the kids . NOPE ! Instead , hubby spends the next three hours or so with Bean at an urgent care clinic and then at the pharmacy - - diagnosis - swimmer 's ear with a slight infection . Ok , that 's fine , the kids did say happy birthday and I did get a card from my mom & dad . No biggie , we 'll do something over the weekend . In fact , hubby and I were scheduled to go on a date on Friday night . Yay ! Friday comes and Bean spends the day at the neighbor 's house , where she is also going to spend the night . Hubby comes to pick me up from work with Baby Bean ( mistake # 1 - - he should have come alone and we could have gone to dinner ) . We run by the grocery store to pick up a few things then head home . Hubby 's ears are plugged and he isn 't feeling too well , but we figure we will get Bean her ear drops in and then head out for a drink . Nope - - not gonna happen . Bean comes home and is in so much pain that we decide the slumbePosted by Wow - - I cannot believe that my Bean turned nine on Saturday - - where in the world does the time go ? I remember being in the hospital and having an almost ten pound baby being placed on my chest . No one could believe she was that big , especially since she was five days early ! This year her birthday was a bit understated . She had her party the week before her birthday - - in the hopes that more friends from school would be able to attend . They did and the party was awesome - - we had it at a small little bakery in town . The girls got to make cookies , then had gelato and decorated their own cupcakes while the cookies were baking . Everyone seemed to have a good time . The problem , by the time her actual party came around , the celebrating had all been done - - especially since she conned us into giving her her gift early ( or should I say conned her dad ) . Her actual birthday was Saturday - - as is my fashion , I did hang streamers and a Happy Birthday sign from her door over night . Then we went and got her something special for breakfast , but then Butter and I left at 9 : 30am to head to the Bay Area to see a friends band rehearsal before a concert . We didn 't make it home until 8 : 30 , but I did take Bean to Barns & Noble when I got home to use some birthday money . Yesterday , I took the kids to the local water park . Bean went on several rides with Butter ( even if I did have to force him since some of his friends showed up after we got there ) . Then I took Bean , Baby Bean and Bean 's friend to Chevy 's for dinner . It was her first " girls night . " She loved having them sing to her and give her the sombrero . She was able to turn her birthday into a birthweek - - with all the celebrations going on . While Bean and I definitely have our issues - - could it be that we are only five days apart and as such both Gemini 's ? - - we are starting to click . More when we are alone , but all in all she is starting to get it and is trying to act better and more grown up . While I hate the bickering and fighting , I know that most of it is normal and she is starting to outgroPosted by So , just got back from Baby Bean 's 4 - year old check up . She has grown 3 1 / 2 inches and gained 4 pounds since her check up last year ( she weighs 42 pounds and is 41 inches tall ) - - she is in the 75th percentile , which officially makes her my smallest child ! Butter and Bean have always been in the 90 + percentile . She is able to do everything the doctor asked - - and more ! But beyond that ? She rocks with the vaccine ! The doctor said that she could get them now ( four of them , including the TB vaccine / test ) , or wait until next year , but she needs them before kindergarten . I figured , we are here , we have insurance , let 's do it . So , he finishes his exam and sends the nurse in with the vaccines . While we are waiting Baby Bean asks why - - I explain that she is going to get vaccines . She asked what that was and I explained that it is medicine to help keep her from getting sick . She asked if it was special medicine and I said yes . Throughout this I 'm very careful to never use the word " shot " and she never asked . R comes in and positions Baby Bean 's arms just so and has me hold each wrist . She does the TB first and Baby Bean never makes a peep or even freaks out at all when she sees the needle . She just watches and talks to us . Then two vaccines in the other arm , one more in the TB arm and we are done . And Baby Bean is still talking away , chatting and laughing and saying that now she won 't get sick ! R was AMAZED at Baby Bean and said that 4 year olds are normally VERY difficult to give vaccines to , and that she made it very easy . I think the fact that I never mentioned that there were shots and the fact that I didn 't make a big deal out of it made a difference . But I know if it had been Bean ? Even if I hadn 't said anything , the minute she saw the shot she would have FREAKED the heck out . We were so proud that I promptly took her over to get an ice cream cone . I went to visit my bil yesterday - - he was in very good spirits . Had been moved to the PM & R wing the night before and is starting rehab . He should find out later today when he might be able to go home . They are testing out various wheelchairs to see which will be best for him . On the bright side , they won 't need much renovating done of their house and they have lots of friends that are willing to do it and help out . Other good news for them - - their total share of the medical bills will be less than $ 5k due to my sister 's great insurance coverage . Yay ! Today is Butter 's last day of school . True his last three days have been field trips , but he is still required to go . Ok , twist my arm and I 'll go miniature golfing , to a movie and the waterpark . No problem ! So far , it is looking like he will keep his streak of straight As . We are waiting for grades to be finalized , but they are just about and those that aren 't , well , there is no way he could fall below an A in those classes . Wow - - eight straight quarters of straight A 's ! I don 't think I could be prouder of him . Today is Baby Bean 's 4 - year check up . I know she has gotten taller , but not sure if she weighs much more than she did last year . She is still able to wear some of the clothes that she wore for her 3rd birthday ! Bean turns 9 on Saturday - - she already had her party , and has most of her gifts . But she is enjoying the whole experience . Since she already had the party and presents , she keeps say that she is 9 and we have to correct her . Does anyone else watch Hell * s Kitchen ? I am always amazed every season when someone gets upset with how mean Chef is - - HELLO ? ? ? ? Have you never watched the show ? Haven 't you seen how he treats people ? And the first episode last week - - when he starts kissing & playing tonsil hockey with one " contestant " ? That was classic - - turns out to be his wife , but I love the one girl who said , " I want to go first ! " Ok , so at the end of last week I was really starting to feel down about our situation . We are severely in debt , literally living paycheck to paycheck , waiting to see if we might get some tax money back ( yes , they have not been done yet as we are waiting for corporate taxes to be finalized ) , and dh 's car finally took the last nose dive ( to the extent that the mechanic told us to pull the battery and bury the keys to make sure no one drives it and wasn 't happy that we took it home ) . We have Bean 's birthday party this weekend and lots of expenses hanging over our heads right now . Overall , things were ( and in some ways still are ) looking very bleak . Then on Sunday , I was in the office ( yes , working ) and taking a quick break and looking at some really old pictures , including one of my nephew when he was three or four ( he is now almost 17 ) getting on to his first dirt bike ( motorcycle kind ) . Then my cell phone rang and it was my mom . The voice mail said to call her back and she was audibly upset . After I called her back , I found out that my bil and nephew had been out dirt biking with some friends and there had been a freak accident , my bil was taken by ambulance to the hospital and was currently undergoing surgery which could take 4 - 5 hours . Turns out he broke his back and had a four - level emergency fusion from T9 - T12 - - NOT GOOD ! He currently has no feeling from his groin down . They initially said it could take the back 2 - 3 days for the shock to wear off and he could have the feeling back . Well , it is now five days and it isn 't back . So , the lack of sensation isn 't from shock . But , according to my sister , he can gradually get feeling back , and it could take up to a year ( or more ) . When I spoke with her a couple of days ago , she was mentioning that it could have been worse - - like he could not be here right now . I kept thinking until then , there is no way I could even begin to imagine going home at night and not have dh there . It 's one thing when we are traveling and I 'm gone or he is gone , but to have him gone and probabPosted by So , since this is a new blog , and I haven 't gotten around to a real introductory post yet , I figured I would do a tag post . You can learn a bit more about me , and hopefully , you will let me know a little bit about you ! 1 . WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE ? Nope , at least I don 't think so ! 2 . WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED ? I know I cried on Wednesday - - that was Baby Bean 's birthday and I can 't believe she is four . I 'm pretty sure I cried on Friday , but not in a good way . 3 . DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING ? Sometimes . It depends upon the pen I 'm using and whether I can take my time . 4 . WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT ? Tofurkey ! 5 . DO YOU HAVE KIDS ? Three - - Butter age 13 , Bean age 8 , and Baby Bean age 46 . IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU ? I think so . I 'm very caring and tend to put others before myself . I like friends who look out for me . 7 . DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT ? I wouldn 't say a lot , but at times , yes . 8 . DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS ? Nope9 . WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP ? Not a chance in the world . 11 . DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF ? Most of the time - - unless they are really old and I 'm too tired . 12 . DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG ? Sometimes . It is difficult , but I 've gone through some things that I never thought I could and I made it through so far . 13 . WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM ? Good old fashioned chocolate . 14 . WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE ? Eyes15 . RED OR PINK ? Pink ( and anyone who really knows me knows that this is true ! ) 16 . WHAT IS THE WEATHER LIKE OUTSIDE ? Sunny and warm - - finally ! 17 . WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK ? Alcoholic - - a good dark beer . Non - alcoholic , probably diet Pepsi or diet Dr . Pepper . 18 . WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING ? Black and pink flip flops19 . WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE ? A Del Taco egg & cheese burrito . 20 . WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW ? The sound of the keyboard . 21 . IF YOU WERE A CRAYON , WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE ? Pink22 . FAVORITE SMELLS ? Babies , the smell outside when it rains . 23 . WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE ? My DH last night as he called toPosted by Wow , I cannot believe it . My baby girl just turned four less than an hour ago . Where does the time go ? All I know is that it is going too fast for this mama 's liking and I wish she would just slow down . I really need to start taking more time to spend with her and really just watch her and see life as she does . It was heartbreaking last night to realize that everything she did she was doing for the last time as a three - year old . She went outside to say goodnight to the moon and stars ( but it was raining ) . This was a ritual that we used to have every night and it has kind of died out . It surprised me that she did it again . But it was the last time as a three - year old . Normally , the night before the kids birthdays , I hang streamers and a Happy Birthday banner from their door . Last night , I couldn 't find the streamers . DH said that Baby Bean wouldn 't know the difference , but the more I thought about it , the more I realized that I would know the difference . So , I went about searching for those darn streamers - - with everyone else in the house asleep . I finally found them , out in the garage in the wrapping paper container ( don 't ask how long it took to find the container ) . I also got smart this year - - instead of individual tape for each streamer , I took out a long piece of packing tape and used that . Wow - - how come I didn 't learn that trick about ten years ago ? ? ? Anyway , I am so glad that I took the time to look and do the streamers . The joy on her face when she came in my room this morning , all excited about her birthday and the streamers was so worth it ! She was NOT , however , happy that I had to go to work today . I 'm hoping that I can finish my appearance this afternoon and then head home . While we were going to do dinner at home ( mac & cheese , her choice ) , I think we may go to CEC . She loves that place and since we aren 't having a " real " party for her , I 'm sure this will help her out ! It was weird that she woke up and came into our room at almost the exact time that I had begun feeling contractions four years ago . 6 : 30 onPosted by I 'm a very proud mama to three great kids ! They are my life and I need to remember to spend more time enjoying them and being there for them . This is my blog and my chance to deal with my thoughts and feelings about being a working mom . We are , believe it or not , high school sweethearts . Hubby was a year ahead of me in school and we started dating right after he graduated . No one thought it would last , but 5 1 / 2 years later we were married - - that was over 23 years ago . He quit his job eight years ago to stay home with the kids . It has been challenging at times , and I know there are lots of days when he wishes that he was working , but it really has been a good thing for our family . We have our differences , but we try to let each other grow and be ourselves , rather than forcing each other into what we want the other to be . Life is fairly difficult right now , and there tends to be a fair amount of bickering , but it is over quickly . We know that we have each other to depend on and we are there for each other . Butter is my oldest , and my only son . He was born almost exactly ten years after we were married . While I would have liked to have kids earlier in my life , I know that my first would not have been him . He was our " buddy " and that somehow turned to " butter . " He is a very thoughtful and loving boy . He is mega smart and impresses me almost daily . Although , he is now a teenager and is starting to show the teenage side of himself - - he spends a lot of time in his room with his tv and video games , and now with his phone . While he still tells me he loves me daily , he is starting to withhold the kisses if we are in public . He truly is a wonderful kid and I would not change a thing about him . Bean is our second child and first girl . We weren 't quite sure whether we wanted a girl , but Butter knew that he wanted a sister . He asked if we could leave her at the hospital if she had been a boy . Luckily for him , and her , she was all girl . Bean is almost nine and at times I think we are already dealing with the teen years . She can be extremely challenging , however , she can also be very loving and caring . She is like Butter in that she is very smart , but she isn 't as dedicated to her studies as he is . She does enough to get by - - we are going to work on this next year . I worry about her sometimes , she is so eager to please that I 'm afraid that she will get involved in things that she shouldn 't . We are working on her self - esteem and recognition of her self - worth . I love my Bean and wouldn 't change a thing about her . Baby Bean was very much wanted and yet a surprise all the same . We tried for three years to have her and yet my body didn 't seem to think we should have another child . Three months after deciding that I was too old ( I had just turned 40 ) and that my body was , in fact , telling me something , we found out that Baby Bean was on the way ! She was definitely a surprise to our family and friends as we never told anyone we were trying . Baby Bean is my girly - girl . She , like me , loves pink ad she LOVES to wear dresses . A new four - year old , she is adventurous and yet also loves to snuggle . She loves to sing and dance and entertain anyone around . She definitely loves her big brother and sister . She is a joy to be around and we have a great time just hanging out as the two of us . Blog Archive |
For those of you who have been waiting patiently , here is chapter 1 . Just a warning , it is a bit of a read so if you don 't have much time at the moment then I would bookmark it and read it later , or just read it in bits as you can . And if anyone sees anything misspelled or any grammatical errors , let me know . I 'll be happy to fix them . Thanks ! This story is written with only adults in mind . While not all chapters will contain content that is not suitable for children I strongly advise to be careful when reading this . This should go without saying but any and all writings on this blog are under copyright by law and belong to only to me . No one has any permission to copy or distribute the text on this belong without my sole permission . You do however have my permission to reblog this if you want . All characters in this story are fictional and do not portray anyone . The table of contents will be listed before each post in case you want to go back to a previous chapter . The end of the chapter will be updated with a link to the next chapter when it is posted The breeze floated through the branches on the trees and the clouds slowly made their way across the sky . The sun was nearly all the way down . The countryside was beautiful this time of year . Winter was past and spring was beginning to show . Birds were singing their songs and rabbits sniffing the air . Over the past few years it seemed as though the wildlife had been declining . The sound of a hammer hitting an anvil off in the distance told the story of a man that was shaping a shoe for a farmer 's horse . The sound of a sign creaking in the wind told the story of a woman that owned an inn . The sound of the wheels of a wagon slowly creeping their way down a road told the story of a merchant just traveling through . But the sound of a boy running along a path taken many times from the woods to his house , told a far better story than those other sounds . " Father ! Father ! I finally caught something ! " Rakkel yelled as he came running into the house . He slung the rope from over his shoulder onto the table . It carried three rabbits this time . Not much , but at least I didn 't come home empty handed like usual , he thought as he put the rabbits on the table for his father to see . Months had gone by where all he had in his traps were nothing . It had been three months since his last catch . Damn bastards are getting smart to avoid my traps . " Let me see them " , said his father , Jaiss . He examined them and smiled at his son . " Well boy , you have learned well . These will make a fine meal tonight . Go and get your sister and tell her that dinner will be ready in an hour . " Rakkel just reached his fifteenth name day a few months past . He was very tall at six feet and strong for his age . Although he didn 't understand it , he was ok with the way he was . He had black hair that went to his shoulders and blue eyes that were nothing like anyone had ever seen before that seemed to glow in the dark at times . He loved his small village . The smell of fresh country air , the sound of the river running ever so gently through the land and the sounds of animals throughout the village were far better than what he had heard of the cities . There was always a great feeling of being alone that seemed better than being around a lot of strangers . As he approached the river he stopped short , far enough where he couldn 't be seen . He was staring at Belrisa Calaeish . She was so beautiful and he hoped to marry her someday . She was soon to reach her fifteenth name day . She had light brown hair that fell just below her shoulders , light blue eyes that looked just right when the sun was shining off them . She stood four inches and five feet tall , the tallest among her friends . She never acted like she liked him the same way that he liked her , although he knew that it would be possible . She always hinted at it by doing small things . She smiled at him during small village parties and such . He dreamed of the day that she would acknowledge him further and let him know her true feelings for him . Rakkel continued to walk down to the river slowly trying to be quiet so he could try to hear what they were talking about . As he stepped on a twig , one of the girls looked over towards him and they all went silent . " And what do you want ? " demanded Assosia . She was a few years older than Rakkel . She had a temper like no other , and a face that went along with it . Her nose was broken from falling out of a tree , so it was said . Everyone said that it must have come from a fight with a horse , though she never admitted to that . He did not know why the others even wanted to be her friend . Perhaps she was different around them than she was around everyone else . " Chandara , father said that dinner will be done within the hour if you care to eat . " Rakkel said , trying not to think about Assosia 's anger at him for interrupting their conversation . " We are going to have rabbit and some stew . " " I 'll be home shortly then , " replied Chandara . Chandara was Rakkel 's sister . She was a very nice girl and she had many friends . She was seventeen and stood at a height of only two inches and five feet . Her reddish blonde hair ran to the middle of her back just like her mother and had green eyes that everyone loved . She always liked to eat as well , which showed from her plump belly that never seemed to go down . Rakkel was always looking out for her . He would be devastated if anything happened to her ; maybe not as much if anything happened to Belrisa , but Chandara was family and he wasn 't about to let anything happen to his family if he could help it . Belrisa looked up at him and smiled that sweet smile of hers . " Yes I will be . Maybe I might have someone to dance with this year that doesn 't trip over his feet . " The other girls giggled and she just sat there looking at him with that smile . He knew Assosia had something to say , she always said some rude comment to everything he said . Just let her keep her thoughts to herself today , Rakkel thought for an instant . Before she had anything out of her mouth Rakkel spoke . " I 'll be looking forward to it . I 'll just let you know I 've been practicing , " Rakkel lied . He smiled at her and seen out of the corner of his eye that Assosia was starting to open her mouth and took off before she had anything out . I hope she chokes on it . Before going back home , Rakkel decided to make a stop at Nesam 's house . Nesam Jh ' televen was a friend of Rakkel . They have been friends for as long as he could remember . He was of an age of sixteen and a height of six inches and five feet . He had short dark brown hair and brown eyes . He was very thin and always looked as though he never ate . By comparison to Rakkel , you would think he was weak , but his strength was almost the same . Working on the farm always did that to someone . Nesam was different than Rakkel though . He was always getting into trouble for one thing or another . Rakkel always seemed to be dragged into these schemes and ideas that went through Nesam 's head . For all the trouble they had gotten into , Nesam has always been beside him taking as much of the blame as possible . Everyone knew Nesam as the troublemaker . If it wasn 't for Nesam , Rakkel wouldn 't get into as much trouble as he seemed to get in , always going on adventures that seemed dangerous and strange . Rakkel was always helping him when the times came . Rakkel slowed to a walk to enjoy the surroundings . He sometimes liked to take a look around the village to take in all of its beauties . He thought that it was the perfect village to live in . There weren 't too many people here like in the cities , although he would like to visit the cities one day , with all the shops , the big houses and manors , the huge inns , and not to forget , the noble houses and the castles . He 's only just seen pictures and read about them . Every once and awhile he 'll get word from travelers or merchants that pass through . That wasn 't enough for him . His parents always said that it was too dangerous out there for him . That he might get hurt or worse . Knowing Nesam though , he figured that it 'd be him that would drag both of them out of this village on some wild adventure . One day he would be the one to tell these stories that he always heard ; him and Nesam . He looked down at the forest that surrounded the mountains . Sometimes he felt more at home when he was out there setting his traps than he did in his village . There was something about being surrounded by the wilderness and trees that made him feel free . The sound of the river and birds and the sight of the animals made him feel more at ease than the sound of the blacksmith shop and people moving through the streets doing their daily work . Something felt strange in the pit of Rakkel 's stomach about seeing this dead wolf , as though suddenly he felt like he wanted to vomit . This is not the time to be sick , Rakkel thought as he approached Nesam . " What is that ? " Rakkel questioned . He looked at it with a worried look on his face wondering what Nesam was doing with such a thing . " It 's a beast , " Nesam said calmly . How could he say it so calm ? The thing could have killed him ! " It was trying to kill my father 's sheep so I had to get it before it got them . " Nesam smiled at Rakkel . " What do you want to do with it ? " Nesam smiled at Rakkel and talked in a low voice . " I snuck up on him silently so he couldn 't hear me . " Then Nesam 's voice started getting louder . " Then I jumped on him before he realized I was there and suffocated him . It was quite a fight but in the end , well , you see who won , " Nesam finished with a laugh as he kept dragging the beast . He was always taking chances . He didn 't seem to be afraid of anything . As they were pulling this beast up towards Nesam 's house , they threw it behind the shed in the back yard and it landed with a loud thump . " There , that should be good enough for now . " Nesam was looking towards the house . Who knows what was in his mind for what he was going to do with the beast later . I would take the thing and throw it in the river . Trying to get Nesam to change his mind was as hard as convincing a cow that it wasn 't a cow . It was something that not very many people had a great skill at doing . Nesam turned around and looked at Rakkel with a grin . Rakkel immediately knew this was trouble . Whenever Nesam looked at him like this , he knew that Nesam was up to something . Rakkel had no idea what crazy adventure Nesam was thinking of at the moment . Whatever it was , Rakkel was sure that it would lead to no good . " No ! " Rakkel yelled without hesitation . I like to be in the woods , but sometimes those mountains just scare me . He wasn 't about to let Nesam know that though . " This time I mean it Nesam . We are not going to go into those mountains . We have no idea what is even in there ! What if we get caught ? We 'd be in serious , just no Nesam , and I mean it this time . " " Come on Rakkel . What about those times we 've talked about what we might find in those mountains ? " Rakkel and Nesam would sit down in the fields sometimes and just dream about going on an adventure into the mountains . They would always dream about finding great things and coming back heroes . Rakkel would just dream about it and leave it at that . He didn 't want to make it a reality . After seeing Nesam with that beast he was wondering if there were more of them in there , deeper in the woods . He couldn 't imagine what was hiding in those woods either . He didn 't even want to think about it . " Maybe there is gold or something . We wouldn 't have to stay here anymore ! We could go anywhere we wanted to . Just think about it Rakkel , there 'd be enough gold to split between us and buy our way out of this stupid village . " " This village is not stupid ! " Rakkel cut in . He didn 't want to leave this village for years yet . He wanted to but he knew that this wasn 't the right time yet . Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew , he just knew that somehow Nesam would bully his way through and get Rakkel to go with him . This time he was going to try to hold it off as long as possible , and hopefully it wouldn 't happen . " We have plenty of things here . We have it made here Nesam ! Just think about it . There 's the river and the fields . You hear what those merchants have to say about the cities . About all those beggars and how dirty the cities are . " It was true . The merchants would always talk about how beggars would come up to their wagons and beg for goods . They would also say that the streets were horrible . The shops looked like they haven 't been cleaned in ages . Rakkel wasn 't ready to leave this place quite yet . He knew that he just wanted to live a peaceful life until he was ready to do a little traveling . And right now he just didn 't feel like doing any traveling . " That 's only certain parts of the cities Rakkel . Remember all the marvelous stories they tell about the noble 's houses and the castles and the big inns ! We could visit those places . Never mind the cities . You just have to think about it . It 'll only be a couple of days and that 's it . " A couple of days always turned out to be twice as long and Rakkel knew that he would not be on good terms with his father if he was to be gone for too long on some adventure that was probably not worth it . Burn you and your bloody gold . Go alone and be done with it . I just want to stay here and dance with Belrisa at the festival . That 's what he was thinking and that 's what he wanted to say . Nesam would not listen to him no matter though . " With that beast you were dragging when I arrived , there might be more out there . I 'm not ready to die and I 'm sure that you 're not ready either . Let 's wait until we know that it 's safe , " Rakkel said with a worried look on his face . He seen Nesam 's face turn worried for a second then back to serious again . At least he thought he did . Rakkel was sure that this time he had won . He was sure that he did . " What would you do if a hundred surrounded you ? You surely can 't sneak up on them then , can you ? " I wouldn 't be surprised if you tried . Rakkel already knew that he had wasted enough time on this conversation and should be headed home , but right now he felt as though he were winning a battle . " Maybe you 're right and maybe you 're not . You are right about me not ready to die yet though . The festival is coming soon . We 'll have time to think about it between now and then . If we go , it 'll be after . Just think about it . You 're good in the woods and you seem to see everything . With me and you , we 'll be safe . Trust me . " " Well , will you just think about it at least ? I have to go eat now or they won 't even let me have the scraps . You know how it is . I 'll see you tomorrow if you care to drop by . " With this said Nesam and Rakkel said their goodbyes and both turned their own ways . As Rakkel was headed home , he noticed that it wasn 't near as late as he thought it was . He had a bit of time to spare before supper would be ready . He decided he would head down to the river to see if Belrisa was there . He would sometimes see her sitting on the bank by herself watching the water run by . I wonder what she thinks about when she 's sitting there . Perhaps today he could muster up enough courage to ask her . As he approached the river there was no one in sight . There was one tree that stood at this part of the river alone . He often times thought about that tree and how it seemed to resemble him . He always felt as though he did not belong here and he belonged elsewhere . Perhaps the tree felt like it did not belong with other trees as well . Dirt turned into sand beneath his feet as he made his way to the river bank . He looked at the other side wondering if he would ever walk there . It was a large river and spanned at least a quarter of a mile at this section . As he was looking at the other side of the bank , his eyes made their way up towards the trees then farther up towards the mountains . He has always felt something strange about those mountains , but wasn 't quite sure what it was . Just as he was deep in thought Belrisa startled him . " What are you thinking about ? " He already knew it was her when she started speaking . He didn 't even need to look to see it was her . " I was looking at the mountains . Don 't you ever wonder why the snow never melts at the top ? " He couldn 't think of what he wanted to say to her . " What did you come back here for ? " " I forgot my hat by the tree . I thought that if I didn 't come back for it , then someone else would take it . " He knew she had lied because there was no hat lying on the ground when he had arrived . I wish she wouldn 't do that . Rakkel thought to himself . She always knew when something was up . I think it 's about time to find another spot to do my thinking . " Nothing that he will win at . He 's been trying to get me to travel to those mountains for years . Now he 's more adamant about it than anything . On top of that he killed some sort of strange wolf today . The thing was hideous . Its fur was black as night and its eyes seemed to be glowing light green , even after it was dead . " That was one thing Rakkel never brought up to Nesam . " Your eyes seem to glow blue when I look at them . I don 't find anything hideous about that . The world is changing . " Something about that made him feel strange . He never had any problems seeing at night and Nesam used to always say something about his eyes before he was used to them . " I hope your right about your dancing . I 'm looking forward to it . " Belrisa was already walking away when Rakkel turned around . I guess it is past time to return home for supper . Rakkel got up and began walking home . On his way home he took his time to enjoy being alone . He thought a little about the mountains although he knew he didn 't want to go . One day he would go on a long adventure alone . He was looking forward to that day . Sometimes he would think about it . His skill to hunt was always getting better and as long as there was wildlife , he would always have something to eat . He never imagined going on an adventure to the cities though . He always thought of going somewhere far away , away from all the people to live by himself with nothing but the animals and the trees . As Rakkel walked through the door he smelled the food right away . He was glad that it was almost time to eat . His stomach was feeling empty and he needed something in it . The rabbit would taste wonderful after months of eating salted beef , bread , cheese , and stew with almost no taste . " Rakkel , is that you ? " His mother , Lydra , was setting the table like usual for dinner . " You need to go wash up and get ready for dinner . It 'll be ready in a few minutes " " Yeah , he killed a wolf that tried to kill his father 's sheep , " Rakkel said . More like a beast . He thought but wouldn 't dare say anything . His father wouldn 't let him go over there anymore with some strange creatures lurking about . " It 's a good thing he got the wolf and didn 't get hurt himself . I find it strange for a wolf to be so close to the town . You be careful when you 're over there . The last thing I need is to have you come home without a limb or a heartbeat . " After that was said , everyone ate in silence and finished up the food . " Remember that it 's almost spring now . The fields need to be plowed and there 's a lot of work that needs to be done tomorrow to get ready . " His father said as he was helping clear off the table . " If you promise that it 'll get done I guess it can wait . Just don 't forget about it though . You know if everything doesn 't get done on time then the crops aren 't ready by the time it starts to get cold . " He always made sure everything was planted at the right time so they would have food for the winter . That night as he went to bed , it was hard to get to sleep . Once he was asleep though , he wished he would have stayed awake . He dreamed of those beasts attacking his town . He tried to wake up , but couldn 't do it . He was standing in front of his house as the beasts came charging in by what seemed like the thousands . They were killing everyone . Once they reached his house they ran right past him like he wasn 't even there . He wanted to run into his house to warn his family , but he couldn 't move . After all the beasts were gone he was walking towards the forest below the mountains . He didn 't want to go . It seemed as though something was making him go . He had no control over his body . His way through the forest seemed to go fast and the mountains were on him before he knew it . When he arrived to the base of the mountains , he took a left turn where the path had a fork in it and went along a winding path . At the end of the path there was a cave . Inside the cave there stood a beast . All he could see of the beast was its eyes . They were glowing bright blue in the darkness of the cave . Out from behind the beast farther inside the cave a bright light shown through the darkness . Save us . Save us . Save us . Rakkel heard in his mind . He looked around wondering what was going on . Nothing made sense to him . The light was getting closer . Save us or you shall DIE ! The voice boomed in his head . You shall die with the rest of us . DIE ! DIE ! DIE ! Was the voice coming from the beast ? Rakkel wasn 't sure . The light was getting closer . He looked behind him but the path was gone . Nothing but a wall was there now , a solid rock wall . Then if that is your answer , you shall DIE ! Before that last word left his mind , the beast was already in the air lunging towards his throat . The light was consuming the darkness … … and Rakkel woke up in a sweat as he looked around his room terrified . Straight ahead on the wall where a mirror hung , two blue eyes glowed brightly staring at him . DIE ! DIE ! DIE ! boomed the voice in his head . Reply Justin Avery February 2 , 2015 at 12 : 56 pm Thanks Sari ! I think I may create an email just for my photography / writing related things . I don 't give out my main email in order to try and limit the amount of spam that goes there . Once I get that done then I 'll update the post with the email . It would be nice if WordPress had that type of functionality . Flickr does and it 's just a site to post photos and videos . Reply Justin Avery February 2 , 2015 at 1 : 13 pm Thanks Emilio ! I hope you don 't mind the month of waiting between posts for this though . I 've only got chapters 1 - 4 complete and started a bit on chapters 5 and 6 . I 'll be happy to complete 1 chapter a month but when I get started on it again I hope it 'll just flow along . Also , not sure if this would be considered a spoiler as it doesn 't give away any events , but this will be a multi - character story so chapter 2 will not have Rakkel but have a different character as the main one . So I hope you don 't get too attached to one character because you might not see them again for a couple months . Reply Emilio Pasquale February 2 , 2015 at 4 : 45 pm I 'm in for the long haul . Just , if you can - and this is probably impossible - but if you don 't see a comment from me after a week or so of you publishing , don 't be shy in letting me know . My reader is always losing some of the bloggers I follow . |
Last night I sat next to the man I am married to , the man I have been with since he was a boy - for 32 1 / 2 years … years ! - and I was nervous . I felt that familiar tensing on the sides of my neck , the throat tightening , the adrenaline pump . I let it rush over me . I rode it out instead of squirming it away , pushing it out , going to get a peanut butter cup to eat it away . I sat with it . I breathed through it . I looked over at him , sitting watching football , and wished for a time - out so that there would be a commercial . Because I felt so strongly , since the clear voice inside of me whispered in the middle of the night two nights before , What is his Truth ? Why was he so upset with you looking through his stuff the other day when he went out for a motorcycle ride because you were arguing over something that you 've argued over again and again in your relationship ? And for that matter , why does the same thing keep rising up to the top ? And I laid there in the dark , waiting for an answer . It didn 't come . But , tonight , it hit me again . Stronger . Clearer . TALK , it whispered . So I gathered up my Brave , and I dove in . No time - out had happened on the tv , but I just had to say something . I asked him if he had any secrets from me . And he said " No ! Where is this coming from ? " already aggravated , but I stayed calm . Clear . Letting that inner voice steady me . " I need to know , I need us to be healthy . To NOT have secrets anymore . " And he was squirmy and his physical self was moving to a defense , even though something held him steady , and looking straight into my eyes . He was almost smiling . As if some part of him was in there encouraging my inner self to keep going , to be real , to do this thing called True Connection . He broke eye contact and tried to look at the football game , and bring up that we all have secrets , everybody does ( something we 've stopped at and agreed upon in the past , just to get beyond the uncomfortable Truth and dealing with all that that entailed , so we could slide back into comfortably numbness ) , but tonightHe sat on the edge of our bed , and looked at me . Into my blue green eyes with his big brown cow - eyes . Open . And we talked about our truth , and the last little bit of what was between us . Which Thank the Universe was not anything big , and totally normal , and when I asked if he felt weird about anything , he said no . He is happy with himself and I am happy with myself and we have nothing to hide . I think the thing that got him was when I asked him if he died tomorrow , and I was cleaning out his things , would I find anything that would surprise me or hurt me in some way . Truly , I said that . And he stopped and thought about it and didn 't want that to be . I am proud of myself . I feel light . I am proud of him . He feels good too . We hugged deeply and felt the energy flow between us . Clear . When he kissed me goodnight a while later , it was sweet and full . We both slept so well . He texted me this morning saying " Good morning , love . Thank you for wanting to and making our relationship better . I love you and want the same . It 's uncomfortable for me sometimes , and that 's where my angst comes from . I love you and want the best for our relationship . " Truth has legs ; it always stands . When everything else in the room has blown up or dissolved away , the only thing left standing will always be the truth . Since that 's where you 're gonna end up anyway , you might as well start there . - Rayya Elias synchronicity . magic . mandorla . kairos . I am doing my best lately to keep up with the magic and the cray , lol . It sounds funny ( it IS funny ) , but it is just ALL overlapping so much these days . Which I love . So my dear heart friend Flo called me yesterday and I was busy looking into the seriously mind bending , huge , grayblue eyes of a two - month - old baby . Literally getting lost in them , and seeing the Universe swish and sway . So I didn 't answer . I had a feeling - - like I always do - - that she would call that day too . I love that she did . The crazy connection we have is not really 3dimensional , so it 's cool that the confirmation of that just keeps coming . Anyway - I knew I would call her back today , and that it would be perfect , so I did . The first thing she says when she picks up the phone is " There you are . " and giggles . It 's adorable , truly . So I reply , " Here I am ! There you are ! " and we laugh . It breaks the ice , brings us down into the 3D where we really don 't live , at least most of our relationship we don 't . We met online , on a very crazy magical website , where so many outrageous things happened and so many relationships bloomed , that it just could not ( was not ) a fluke . Or coincidence . Not that I believe in coincidence anyway , but that 's a whole other topic . She starts off slowly and a little timidly , saying gently to take what it is that I want to , to feel into what resonates with me , but that she has something to share . I am immediately excited , so I say " Yay ! Go for it " , and she starts with " Oprah has this book club , and she just made a new book choice … " and I immediately cut in with " Oh my god , I LOVE Glennon ! I have followed her for a while , I 'm already half - way done with the book ! " and she is laughing saying " Oh , my GOD . " and we fly into the book and how amazing it is , how opening and full of truth , and she says " YES ! I was reading it and all day kept thinking ' Call Beth ! ' because it reminded me of YOU . How YOU write , and your message of authenticity and how much real life good juicy stuff you have to So here we are right now , an hour post that call , and I am grateful . To be seen for my gifts , my writing , my heart , my knowing . . That I have something to SHARE with the world that is real and heartfelt and true . And it gives me encouragement and so I begin . The hundred somethings ( # 100Somethings ) begins NOW . I write daily for one hundred days . Whether they get published or not , I 'm not sure … but today … The Adventure Begins : ) Autumn . . . it 's definitely turned here . we are in fullon Fall mode . cool wetter weather . sweatshirts and sweaters . i even made pumpkin muffins this weekend 😄 We had a nice long Labor Day weekend , albeit fairly uneventful . Duncan did manage to manifest himself $ $ on Sunday so he can pay for his classes that are college - level & AP exams , which was cool ( a gift from his grampa ) . Then , talking to Elsa about it , we mentioned that we should maybe fly to DE and do Thanksgiving there . . . a random fun talk with the kids and i mentioned it later to C while we were out having cocktails & appies together and really nice minidate , and i get home to a note from my sweet stepmom saying " How do you feel about coming here for turkey day ? " lmao . She wrote almost exactly at the same time the kids & i were talking about it ! * lepoof * Magic is out in full force . { As usual , in more ways than one . . . } So , on my way home from said date with Husband , above , I passed up going to Trader Joes and instead followed my heart , which brought me in front of the salty sea at the bottom of our hill , which had The Most Impressive glorious sunrays shining out of the clouds . I snapped some photos and just sat in the radiance for a while . I noticed that above me ( & consequently in some photos ) was a Seagull . just hanging out and shining in the sun . So beautiful . Later , at home with the fam again , I posted a pic on fb and even later still , when C & I were up in bed chillin , a friend wrote to me from fb and shared a deep secret of Love . Because she saw the heavenly sunburst photo . Honored to be her ( & his ) witness , and to share in the New Love . Partly because I had connected with her in the past sharing stuff I felt from her Beloved who passed into NP . I truly love it when I connect with NP , and am able to bring that to people . I love the pure freeflowing Magic that streams from that ! Love family genealogy - C & I were talking about it yesterday . I have been really FEELING the importance of family history , the genetic history that gets passed down in our chromosomes . How its all a spiral , and how some stories are begging to be healed and closed . Stop the circular motion and create fresh , new , healing lives . That 's BIG . It may not make much sense , but i feel it ! ! My gramma 's have been encouraging me from NP . Grampa 's too . Love them . Listening . Thank you . oh , here 's something else - feeling pulled to being open & taking a few more risks . Sept always brings up a space in me : : What Now ? Like a time of new beginnings . a new year . Maybe coinciding with school starting , or my birthday . . . whatever . It 's there , lol . I acknowledge it . So I decided that I will be leaning IN more . saying yes . taking a few risks . opening more to opportunities . So . . . A friend who I don 't see often asked if C & I wanted to join her and a handful of her friends { a table of 8 } on Sept 18th for a special dinner in Poulsbo , given by a local coffee shop , helping homeless kids who will be the chefs for this dinner ( sponsored by the Silverdale Chamber of commerce ) . I normally would shy away - not knowing the people attending , in a new place , unsure about the food , etc etc etc that my crazy mind can think about , lol . the fear side , right ? so I instead just said " YES . Thank you so much for thinking of us " ( who knows why she even did ! I guess I shall Trust the Universe ! ) she bought the tickets which were $ 50 / ea OR reserve a whole table of 8 for $ 400 . She said she wanted to do something to honor her father who recently passed in May , who always supported the Youth in our town , and this sounded like the thing to do , that he would like , in lieu of a funeral , which she says he would hate , lol . so , there ya go . a long stories today . . . but NP and Magic and the Universe at work , and I am thinking that this dinner the night before my birthday just might be the perfect heartopening , mystical beginning to my next trip around the Sun . As I dropped my two youngest off at their High School this morning , I felt little off . Not just because my daughter refused to take a first day photo , or my son was not thrilled with the convo about getting a job so he can drive himself . You know , the real stuff that happens in the car with teenagers at 6 : 50am , among the happy back to school banter and constantly changing radio station . And I know I usually get a little sad when they go back , and realize how fast the summer flew by , and how time in general is going so fast . These two like to be busy , and this year is already starting to get packed so full . And then , as I drove off , I remembered that this year Isabel Joy would be starting her Senior year . . . I had a friend I worked with who delivered her daughter two weeks before Isabel was born . That friend and I no longer speak , we went different ways after I quit the job where we worked together , but I saw a picture of that little girl a few nights ago on fb , now a Senior herself , and so beautiful . I just stared . Trying to picture a different life , one that we never got to live , and tried to imagine what my daughter would look like now too . A Senior . What would she be doing ? And planning for ? What would she look like ? How would our relationship be ? I let the tears come . All I can do is cry . Because I know this about grief . There are time folds , and memories come out of the blue . Even crazy remembrances that never happened in this life , but your heart has held onto because when you lost them , your mind still went through a lifetime together . The other day , because my 2 older girls are each going through things that are challenging right now , I invited them over . I had my other daughter there too . So Rosie , Mimi & Muffy were all here and before I even got them from the ferry , I spread love from my heart all around my house . On the way to pick them up , I set my intentions to flow love , and be clear , and that everything would go beautifully , for the highest good of all . When they got here , I gave them all moleskine journals and told them to write - to write how they want to be ; how they see themselves in 6 months . As they did , I baked cookies and told them stories of my visions . Of how I see us all by the sea , in a magical place - All of Us - doing something that helps to elevate the planet , all of us giving from our unique selves . Then I did tarot readings for them all . My readings are a mixture of the cards , my intuition , my flow of love , and I try to connect them to their inner power . I share my visions of how I see them , which is perfect and beautiful , and omg , shining so incredibly brightly that its almost insane . I told them that part of the reason we are all stagnant & some of us feeling icky is because we have been putting off Our Stories . And that I want to step into My Life again , and have It be a story worth telling . I want it to be epic . I want to FEEL life and I see them doing the same thing . I shared some beautiful stories I had recently read and had them share some of their visions for their own stories . I feel a big change coming for us all . ❤️💜💗 When I gave birth to Isabel , it was Carly that was affected the most ( at least outwardly ) . She was seven at the time . a baby herself , still in a totally magical innocent place , she had been the one to lay her head on my belly and talk to her each morning and night . Her little sister . Alive and kicking as she sang and played beside her . So when she died , Carly couldn 't really grasp it . She cried with her sisters when we came home from my dreaded last doctor appointment and told the girls , but it wasn 't until she came to the hospital room after I gave birth to Isabel that she really understood . She saw her long - awaited baby sister in the bassinet , swaddled , and squealed with delight . When her daddy stopped her and said , " No , sweetheart . She 's gone . " Carly fell to her knees , crumpled and broken , and sobbed . Chuck had to carry her out of the room to console her . It broke my heart ; her sorrow and her lost innocence . Fast forward 15 years . Carly is pregnant , and on the exact schedule I was with Isabel . Same conception date , same due date , with a girl . She even gives her baby - to - be the middle name Joy , just like Isabel 's . I was there for the birth . so was her daddy . Acacia Joy came on the exact day of Isabel 's due date . There was a rainbow in the sky , clear and bright , as we drove to the hospital that morning ; the most perfect sign . I felt every emotion under the sun that day . my daughter giving birth to my first granddaughter . Full circle . Chuck had to sit back by the window streaming with rain and he cried . For our own lost baby girl , and now for the bliss of new life . Overwhelming , but somehow unbelievably perfect . Now , Acacia Joy is 18 months old . She and I have a special bond . We speak without words . her heart and mine are entangled . She has the auburn hair I always pictured Isabel having . And lately , she started doing this thing , where she gets the ceramic angel we have in the front yard that has always been next to Isabel 's magnolia tree that we got in her memory so many years ago , and she carries it to the front porch step . Everyone freaks out because they think she will drop it , but with my eyes I tell her it 's okay . she sets it down and sits next to it . Then , she says " Gigi " to me and pats the space next to her . I go . Acacia puts her left arm around angel Isabel , and her tiny right hand on my thigh . connecting us . She smiles , and I kiss her red curls on the top of her head . I try not to cry , because really , I am just very happy . Then she calls " Mama " and wants Carly to sit next to me . She waits for her to sit down beside us , and reaches to touch her mommy 's thigh too . The four of us sit , in a row , holding hands on my concrete front porch step in the summer sunlight , all touching each other . As if this , right here , was how it was always supposed to be . I 'm always trying to be more disciplined in my writing . I never seem to do it . But I think about it a lot . I would love to put out there a story that depicts life and love from my view . My life entangled . It feels very magical . It feels like the stories of those around me fit so beautifully in with mine , and theirs are so rich and full too , they need to be a part of it . I just can 't figure out how to get it to all come together . I wish I could trust in my writing . In the gift of the flow of words to move through me and put themselves perfectly onto the paper . My heart beats with this understanding of things that even I am not sure of . Can I translate the purity of that and the beauty of that into a story that others would even understand ? Would I ? Maybe it 's all about just writing to myself , from myself . March 27th , 1984 . Spring quarter begins at a college in a small town , trees are becoming green , the wind blowing through them , fresh grass fills the air . I am dressed in my new white pants with colorful stripes , a shirt and vest and boots . Walking to class from my off - campus apartment with my roommate Kurt , I think to myself how nice it is to be here again after Spring Break . I feel refreshed . I just want feel clear and happy as I walk into my first class , Biology that I am retaking for a better grade . I took it as a freshman , but it being an 8am class and me not being a morning person didn 't mesh well . Somehow that extra sleep and my D + lead me here , like Fate . I am holding my books , smiling and Kurt feels the need to tell me that I might want to rethink the blush I 'm wearing because it 's sparkly in the sunshine . So , I am glad when we part and I walk toward the Science building and into the auditorium . I randomly scan the partially full class quickly and since it is exactly 9 : 00 and time for class to begin , I just plop quickly into an open seat on the side of the front row . We all sit there for a bit and begin to get antsy when the teacher doesn 't show up . Someone comes in a few minutes in and tells us that Tuesdays are Lab days , and there is no lecture on those days . We only have to show up in the evenings in the lab room . So we all walk out and I head to the Drama building where my next class is , stopping to wait at a bench in the courtyard and let the early Spring sun bathe my face . Little came in on lab day too . And the seat I randomly chose to sit in was right by him . And although I didn 't notice him at all , or anyone else in class for that matter , he noticed me . He watched me as I walked in . He can tell you to this day what I was wearing and how I looked . And he was looked to himself because nothing was going to ruin my day . He just smiled and rolled his eyes . It made me laugh . And with that , he bolted off to his class because we were running late again . I made it to Biology just before the door shut , but this time class was totally packed and I slipped into the first open seat I saw . Thursday , same thing . Something seemed familiar about the person I was sitting next to , Repeat of the previous days , getting to class at the nick of time ( my forte I must admit ) , but this time I was absolutely sure I was sitting next to the same guy I had been sitting next to the day before . And maybe even the day before that , if that 's even possible , I thought . Was I really choosing the seat next to the same person four days in a row ? Little did I know , although Fate took care of the first day when I plopped into the first seat I saw , Chuck - who is my total opposite in the procrastination department and gets everywhere exhaustively early - took the next days into his own hands and saved the open seat next to him hoping that I would be late and pick that seat . Which I did . I smiled up at him , checking him out . He smiled back . As if he already knew me , as if he could see through into every thought I had . Like he had been watching me . Him sitting in the cool dark auditorium , and me out in the sunlight coming in looking around for a seat and walking straight toward him as if he willed it . As if he willed me to look up at After class , I walked to the Drama building for my next class like always , but as if a magnet was pulling me , I looked back to see if I could see him , and there he was , looking back at me . He was wearing Levis with a plain white t - shirt a jean jacket and white Nike 's with a red stripe , tall and muscular . Gorgeous wavy auburn hair . His big brown eyes were mesmerizing . He wasn 't smiling , but seriously looking at me as I was walking away , and I felt like a lightening bolt had hit me . Not through the heart , but in my solar plexus and then through my whole body . It was totally insane . My belly did a flip . And somehow I turned again , and walked away . hours away , and it 's funner than sticking around campus , especially during the nicer weather . There were toga parties and friends to hang with . So I didn 't see Chuck again until Monday when I deliberately sat next to him in that deliberately saved open seat . He said Hi because he saw me making the choice this time , looking for him , at him . How was your weekend ? that promise I made to myself ? The one where I was happy being alone and definitely not having a boyfriend to just simply enjoy Spring quarter and Ace all my classes ? At that moment , it flew right out the window where the birds were singing in the trees . class , we gathered our stuff together and he walked me out . He asked how my weekend was , picking up my line effortlessly . I told him it was fine , that I went home . He asked where that was , and when I told him he said he 'd been there with a friend from his swim team who also lived there . He told me he was from Alaska , and that he had a new motorcycle that he 'd just gotten before Spring Break . I smiled because I loved riding in the warm weather and he was so happy at this reaction , he asked if I wanted to go for a ride sometime and without thinking , I said I felt I had known forever , my heart pounding all of a sudden . Softly he asked my name and I answered Toye , and without skipping a beat or asking me " what ? " like virtually every other person in the world says when I say my name , he just holds my gaze and tells me his name is Chuck . That electric feeling in my solar plexus hits me again . Lightening . And then he breaks away , turning to go down the stairs , and as I come out of my stupor he turns again and says , This might sound a little presumptuous , but do you have tickets to the Huey Louis concert ? The next day , he asked me to go for a motorcycle ride with him that afternoon around the canyon . It was cool and crisp and sunny . My arms were around his waist as we flew around the corners . He held his muscular arm in his leather coat over mine in the most strongly protective and yet amazingly loving way I have ever felt . His touch was like fire . And also so cool and familiar , like home . We stopped at the Taco Time for a soda afterward . My carefully applied mascara dripped all over my face and he just smiled and told me I looked slightest because for whatever reason , he thought I was the most beautiful and perfect thing on the planet and that alone made me feel beautiful too . He took me back to my apartment and then home after Lab that evening too . I was happy . Went to bed happy , woke up completely happy and energized . Wednesday after class , I went to his dorm room and met Andre , and his other friends there . He put on music and showed me our concert tickets . He watched me intently as I moved around the room . I could feel it and I was unsure and self conscious , but I also felt he was amused and intrigued by what I did and said . I was still shy around him and didn 't want to look directly into his eyes again , he was different . He could hold my gaze easily without breaking it . He wanted me to look at him , so he could see me and know that I could see him too . It was the most unusual feeling ever . Like all wondered . I 'd been in love before , I knew the drill . But this ? Nothing in my past could I relate it to . And come on , it had only been a few days . Hours , really , that we had been together . It was insane . We hadn 't even kissed yet for chrissakes . At that moment , he looked at me and said Do I get a kiss ? My belly did a flip . Do you want one ? I asked flustered to high heaven . He was already leaning in . He didn 't touch me , he let me attempt to get my bearings and be the one to kiss him first . This might have amused him actually . To know that I did it first . I gave him a quick peck . You know , like a friend would . He just smiled at me . He took my hand and brought me home . and as I turned to go and our hands parted , still touching , he pulled me back around as if he wanted to look at me one last time then . He smiled . Not if I come back tonight , he whispered . My blue eyes looking into his brown ones . Lightening . I walked straight up to him then and kissed him . Really kissed him this time . He was shocked and amused at the same time , and then relaxed and really kissed me back . Done , I thought then . I am so done . He was the best kisser , ever . Friday , he was in class . I was surprised , I honestly thought he wouldn 't be there . He asked me if I was really leaving him for the whole weekend . I 'd already packed and was leaving early right after Drama , and said yes . He stopped by our apartment to say goodbye , but I was still in class and Kurt picked me up at campus and didn 't even tell me this until Monday morning couldn 't come fast enough . In class we sat closer and he came over in the afternoon and we played cribbage and kissed . A lot . He didn 't call that night like he usually did , and Tuesday , with no actual class , only lab , he met me as I I just stared at him because the way he said it wasn 't like he had usually been . It was much more closed and guarded . I didn 't know what to do with this . He continued , But I don 't want to get serious . I want to do things together , but nothing heavy . I was totally in shock and unsure of everything and all I could do was nod my head and say , Sure , that 's fine . He gave me back that first friendly peck kiss and walked away . a girl , I spent the rest of the day until Lab analyzing what the hell could possibly be going on . Maybe he had some other girlfriend . Lord knows I had an ex - boyfriend back home that was ready to pounce . And another guy from high school who was going to the same college that I had dated briefly during the end of Winter quarter was still trying to hang around too . But I didn 't give a crap . I was so entranced with whatever this new thing was that was taking over my thoughts and dreams and every waking minute , opening up feelings that I never knew existed that none of that mattered . Maybe I had been wrong . Maybe he didn 't feel what I had thought I 'd felt him feeling . That was the big thing right there . We were totally in tandem for a while ; feeling what each other was feeling . Reading each other 's minds and hearts and the biggest , most no help whatsoever . Kurt had seemed totally annoyed that I was going through this and ignoring him most of the time too . He did drive me to class that evening after dinner though . He drove his Monte Carlo right up next to the motorcycle Chuck had just pulled in on where he was pulling off his helmet . I hit Kurt in the arm so hard and he just laughed . God , I was so embarrassed having to get out right there as if I 'd asked Kurt to do that when all I really wanted was to go into Lab alone and find a new freaking lab partner . So not cool . But Chuck said hi and we walked into the building together and as fate would have it , just as Chuck stopped at the Coke machine to get a soda , an old friend from high school came up and put his arm around me , was happy to see me , perfect . We didn 't talk much through lab , but he did give me a ride home and kissed me goodbye . He seemed to be melting a little . I couldn 't he didn 't show up for class . No phone call . Zip . He had gone up to Yakima again and spent the night , I guess . I was trying not to think about him after that . So , after class on Thursday , when he grabbed me because I bolted the heck out of there like lightening so I didn 't have to see or talk to him , I was surprised . Everything about him changed again . He was wide open . I was closed as all hell , but he was standing there in the weather holding my arm , his hair curling from the misty rain , eyelashes so long they looked like stars around his big brown sparkling eyes , questioning , pulling me in . Willing me to stop being mad , to see through him again . He loosened his grip and softly pulled me release . Every part of me for the last two days had wanted this to happen and I pictured me telling him to take a flying leap , but in this very moment all I could do was say , I hope you 're okay . And I wanted to hold him and make sure that he was . I put my hand on his heart then . My pulse feeling his heartbeat . One . It steadied me . It filled him . He breathed out , grateful . I am now , he whispered . I tried to tell him that we didn 't have to go to the concert that night if it wasn 't right for him , and he looked at me as if I 'd lost my mind . No way , he said . I have been waiting to take you out long enough , I am not going to wait any longer . We both laughed then . He picked me up and we went back to his room where he had drinks and candles set up before the concert and for afterward too . My stomach was flipping out . He kissed me and said Remember what I said the other day about us just being friends ? I said yes and he said , Well , forget it ! held hands and talked . Kissed a lot again . His roommate was there , so we went for a walk in the moonlight . Then he gave me a ride home on his motorcycle . It was very sweet . I was still holding back though . I had one more weekend to go home , there was a party for my sister 's birthday and I had to go . He wanted me to stay because he knew he was going to be leaving in a few short months back up to Alaska . Which was part of the reason he said he didn 't want to get serious . But both of us really had no choice in the matter . We knew it was all over . April 16th , 1984 . We didn 't spend one day apart after that until the day in mid - June after finals , after we 'd both packed everything up , after we 'd spent months learning about every part of each other , remembering . Feeling more at home than we 'd ever been in this life , living in some kind of universally magical cocoon . We spent every minute over to put on his raingear , and he was surprised to see me . He was so happy . The night before , we were sitting on the couch just inside of his dorm , people coming and going , packing and moving . All the hustle around us , but neither of us could see anything but the other . He told me again all the reasons he wanted me to remember him over the summer . He reminded me that we 'd married ourselves under the stars a few weeks before . He held me next to his heart and put his hands in my hair and told me I was his everything , that he would never love anyone else , and that he 'd dreamed of me and wished for me and couldn 't believe that I was here and real . I told him I had never felt anything like this before his lips . How I am ever going to let you go tomorrow ? he asked me then , echoing exactly what I was feeling , like he always did . Like he still does now . So on the top of the mountain then , in the pouring rain , we kissed goodbye again . And even though our bodies would be separated many times after that , and even sometimes our minds and hearts My son 's backpack was stolen the other day . Why I 'm thinking about this now , I have no clue . Other than perhaps it 's something to write about . Something to break the ice . I 've been getting these subtle hints from the universe to write again . Okay , maybe they started out subtle , like a little itch , but now , it 's full - on blatant . So here I am . Thinking about my son . And his backpack . And the people or person who stole it . My son 's best friend 's backpack was also stolen . They have been leaving them at their bus stop after school and they walk down to the Elementary kitty - corner and down the street , so that my son Duncan can pick up his sister Elsa and his best friend Kalel can pick up his little brother Anakin . So for six months , they have been leaving these backpacks laying in the bushes not to be touched , and then last week * poof * they are gone . Thankfully , there wasn 't really that much in Duncan 's that we needed to replace . The biggest thing was his warm coat . It was a great coat too . Black wool peacoat that we bought at a secondhand store in October for him to use at Halloween to dress up as the mad hatter . He really loved that coat . Elsa even wore it sometimes . It was pretty awesome . And we 'd just gotten him a new backpack that he really liked because his other one exploded from all the crap they make you carry around in a backpack these days . This new backpack was more like a computer carrier , I think it even said IBM on it . Maybe that 's what caught someone 's eye after all these months . But you 'd think that upon seeing a library book about Percy Jackson and a Junior High Planner and some other school supplies and his big coat stuffed in there , that they 'd just leave it . In any case , they didn 't . And Duncan come home and told me and he felt bad . But I helped him dig out an old backpack we had lying around from his big sisters and some paper and notebooks and pencils and a new planner and voila . All is well . But he felt bad still . And even got a little weepy . But we hugged and didn 't make a big deal about it , bewith love , Writing . Practicing some kind of modicum of discipline . Ugh . I hate that word . I 'm the antithesis of discipline . But , like most humans , it feels good to do it . To accomplish something . And so . I begin . Maybe not always here . I actually want to start writing in a word doc , you know , like a real writer . But still , here feels comforting , and familiar . Deep breath . Isabel came to me last night , I was shocked that she has been gone from me for 13 years almost now . That it has been 13 years since she danced in my belly . I laid my hand there , where she lived , and the tears came easily . Freely , purely . God , I loved her . I love her still . I heard the song today - The Impossible Dream and there 's a lyric that says : " to bear with unbearable sorrow " and " to love pure and chaste from afar " and there she was again . The feelings came rushing back . But softer . More knowing . More clear . She 's here , always . She is love . And so when I think about writing , I wonder - what is the story inside of me that I need to tell ? And it 's never really clear . I wait for that clarity , but maybe the clarity only comes by doing it . By beginning and continuing something . . . I 'm not sure . Maybe . I know the theme is always love . I know that the stories that capture my attention are about love . How it rolls and turns and is filled with everything ; grief , joy , death , birth . All of it boils down to one thing . The pain we go through to really * feel * it , and know it , become one with it . Life is love . Love is life . And so . I really just want to live it . I don 't know if I 'm ready to write about it . The words seem so inadequate . The being and living of it means more . Sharing it from within . It 's really all I can do . Be me , my truth , naked in front of you . And so I do . |
When I was 7 or 8 , maybe even younger - this was the early 70s right around the time that people stopped making their own costumes and started buy store - bought plastic thingies that looked like cartoon characters we didn 't have the money to do that so - we put on someone else in my family 's clothes , remember there were 10 of us , that were too big , or too small in some cases , tied the pants around the waist with a piece of rope , opened the coal stove , rubbed some soot on our face and called it Halloween . Going to school or trick - or - treating with my family of hobos , wasn 't so far from everyday life . So maybe that 's where it all started ? Then there 's the time when I was 11 and I lived alone with my two brothers ( you remember that story ) , I really wanted to do something fantastic for Halloween . I had the best idea that I could make a mask out of oatmeal and plaster oatmeal all over my face , hair and head . OR they could buy me a mask . They opted to buy me a mask , but we waited until the last day to go look at masks , so all that was there was a hairy - faced ape mask , so I settled for that . The next year , I was back living with my parents and my Dad told me that at 12 , I was too old to trick - or - treat . So , after that I didn 't . Maybe that 's it ? Throughout my 20s , I never did Halloween parties . I was spending so much time trying to figure out how to be normal in the world and desperately trying to figure out who I was . I went from mini - skirts to dresses with white flats , to button downs , to argyle sweaters and socks , to short shorts with combat boots - a complete train wreck of an identity . I couldn 't imagine trying to create another persona that I could dress up as for one day out of the year . In my 30s , I finally settled in and really started to figure out who I was and what I wanted in the world and figured out that I 'm really okay . Me . I 'm good enough and I 'm ok with that . So , if you want to dress up that 's awesome . DO IT ! FUN FOR YOU ! But I don 't and I won 't and that 's okay too . I 'll dress up as Me today . I spent half my life trying to dress up as someone else or someone I thought I should be , so I 'm done putting on the mask . So , if you invite me to your Halloween party , I 'll come as Me . If you say COSTUME ONLY , I 'll come as ME . It 's the best costume and character I have . When I was 11 my parents left me with my two brothers - I 've written about this before in TODD . As we approached Christmas , I began to work on this piece about Christmas , but couldn 't finish it until now . It 's not that I hold onto these memories and dwell on them , it 's more like they hold onto me . The Holidays are hard for me , but not as hard as they used to be . Instead of avoiding the memories , I now embrace them in this way or that and they are only a part of the story I have lived . They don 't rule my life , they don 't define me now , but they are a reflection of my experiences and I can 't help but think about them from time to time . Mom calls once a week and talks to Bobby and Johnny , I sometimes talk to her and sometimes I don 't get a turn . When I do talk to her , I don 't know what to say . I just listen to her breathe on the phone . I wish she were home and I want to tell her that , but I don 't know how to make the words come out of my mouth . She sounds happier being away , she laughs , she 's fishing , going to the flea market and visiting with people and Dad is working . I like her to be happy . So , I don 't tell her anything about me or how I 'm feeling , because I don 't know . Mom is on the other end of the phone and she says , " We got you something you 've always wanted for Christmas . You 'll love it . We 're sending it in a box with some other things and it will get there right before Christmas . " As I look back today , I wonder what I thought she was sending . Love ? Safety ? Security ? What had I always wanted ? That 's what I needed , but I couldn 't say it . I didn 't know how and back then - I didn 't know that 's what I wanted . A week or more pass and Johnny and Bobby have decided they will get a Christmas tree , but not put it in the living room where we usually have it when Mom is here , but they will put it in Mom and Dad 's bedroom , which they have turned into the living room and the old living room is now the sitting room . Looking back , none of us belonged in that life , I wanted to be spectacular and they wanted a sitting room . We were made for better times and things . We tromp through the snow and the woods to find the tallest tree that will fit in the house and they chop it down - because they love to chop things , kick things , build things , fix things . They drag it back to the house and get it into the stand and decorate . I don 't like decorating , because whatever I put on the tree is not right and not in the right place - according to them . So , eventually I give up and sit on the couch . I eat some chewy Christmas candy left over from last year . They string the lights , put ornaments on , throw tinsel all over and then decide it is time to decorate the GIANT pine tree outside . The tree outside is so tall that I cannot see the top when I look up , I have to go out into the yard to see the top . I warn them about climbing that tree . " Remember Johnny - how you broke your arms climbing the tree across the street . Mom says don 't climb trees . " They laugh as if I 'm crazy and get a ladder and a big mess of lights and go out into the yard . The way Mom tells the story about Johnny 's fall is : " You were in the bathtub and I had to get you out fast because someone ran up to the door and said Johnny was hurt . So I pulled you out and told you get dry and dressed and ran to the front door . When I got there - I saw his arms and they were all crooked . And I took a deep breath and said someone run and get Ardis and see if she can drive us to the hospital . And then Johnny said " I 'm sorry Mom . " That 's all he said . That 's it . Broken arms and all and he said he was sorry . He didn 't cry one tear when they set them back in place . He was so brave . " All I remember was I had wet hair and was running a comb through it and I peeked out at Johnny and his arms were all twisted around , his wrists going in the wrong direction . I felt light - headed and sat down and combed my hair some more . He came home with casts up to the elbow on each arm and laid on the couch for a week or more and someone had to help him pee . I 'm glad it wasn 't me . That 's how I tell the story . They work for hours on that tree making sure every bulb is in the right place and when they are finished it 's the best Christmas tree I 've ever seen in person . Big red , green and blue bulbs light up and shine bright . We laugh and it 's fun being out with these guys in the snow putting up Christmas lights , even though I 'm only watching . I would like to be a dare - devil and climb that tree , but there is no way I want to break my arms so I 'm not doing it . A few days later , when I get home from school Bobby and Johnny are busy doing something , wrapping something and laughing . It 's the last day of school before Christmas and I am home now for the week , it 's Wednesday and I only have to wait two days until Christmas , but really only one day to open presents - on Christmas Eve . That tradition started because my Dad used to be with his other family on Christmas day . The one he was married to and not us and that is an entirely different story for another time . I 'm happy to be off school , but bored because I know I 'll be listening to a whole lot of Billy Joel and Foreigner on my Dad 's 8 - track player that is now in the sitting room . These guys listen to it non - stop , so loud that I can 't watch TV . They come out of the living room and say , " You can take a look now . " I don 't care anymore , but that small part of me that hopes for something special goes to take a look . The tree is full underneath with what looks like 30 or more presents all wrapped with bows and some even have a ribbon around them . There is one giant box in the back corner of the tree , almost behind it . " Guess . " I 'm really not into this whole thing of guessing . I 'm never right , so I don 't guess and sit on the couch again . On Christmas Eve , Johnny says " Let 's open presents on Christmas morning like normal people . " Bobby says " Yeah , that 's what normal people do . " I do not want to do this so I grumble around and get mad and punch the couch , but I know they are not going to change their minds . So , we watch some TV and drink soda , eat candy and eventually I fall asleep on the couch . We open socks and underwear and I open a new nightgown and some other things that don 't matter . There is wrapping paper everywhere , all over the living room . Bobby brings me the big box . My stomach flutters as I peel back the paper and pull back the tape on the top of the box . I close my eyes and open the box , it 's full of packing peanuts . I scoop handfuls out and onto the floor and then I see something . Gray and dark , so I dig on and I see more of something gray and dark and I stop and tears flow and flow and flow . I scoot back from the box and cry . " ROCKS ! " I scream " They sent me rocks ? " I can see on their faces - they realize - they were playing a joke - but I do not think this is a joke and it is not funny . " Amy , Amy , it 's okay , really there is a present in there , we just thought it would be funny to put rocks in there . There really is a present in there Amy , seriously . " I scoot back further . " I don 't want it . I don 't care . You are the meanest people I have ever known " I sob , sniffing snot back . I look and they have a brown plastic box in their hands . I rip it out of their hands and open it . It 's a silver watch with digital time - something I have always wanted . I pull it out of the box , it has a stretchy metal band on it . I pull back the band and slide it over my wrist . It feels cheap on my arm , like a play toy . I pull it off and throw it down . " I don 't want it . It 's like everything else , cheap . They probably got it at a flea market . " I put some jeans on , pull on a sweatshirt , two pairs of socks and my boots . Put my coat on , slam the door and walk to the woods where everything is quiet . In the middle of the trees and snow - I stand and cry again , the cold feels good on my hot wet face . Posted on March 26 , 2013 by amywitkop 5 I 've thought about this time in my life a lot lately . It 's hard to imagine me at 11 processing these feelings on my own . I think it all adds up , all the grief , you remember , even if you don 't remember consciously your body remembers and while I do believe if you work with it and acknowledge it , it helps in the letting go - there are still times that it comes back . One Sunday evening I am staring at nothing out the front windows in the kitchen and see a small black cat , sauntering - yes , he is sauntering - up the left set of stairs . He 's a tiny little thing with bright green eyes . " Oh look , a black cat , " I yell to my partner , Julie . " What ? " she says , running into the kitchen , leaning toward the window . He walks right up the steps onto the back patio . Julie is absolutely and utterly excited about the prospect of another cat . She grabs the cat food and rushes outside , sprinkling it on the ground . Not too rushed , though . " I don 't want to scare him off , " she says . I stand inside for a moment and eventually move to the doorway with the door nearly shut behind me so Isabel , the cat that lives with us , doesn 't run out . " Oh , he 's so skinny - he must not have a home . His head looks so big because he 's too skinny . " She is knelt down next to him , but not too close , barely touching him . I can see his tiny ribs , black fur flecked with gray . He is older than I would have thought , his skin sagging a little . The shining smile in Julie 's eyes when she looks up at me has me feeling momentarily outrageous , so much so that I want to shout out , " Let 's keep him ! " " We 'll call him Todd , since his head is so big - after Big Head Todd and the Monsters , " she says . I feel it in my heart , yes , let 's keep him . What happens next is how it always is with me - my brain and my body take over . My old memories flood back to me , and I hate using the word flood to describe emotions , but it is what it feels like . I can 't turn it off . I can talk myself through it , but I can 't turn it off . The images that come to me are the way they are . I can 't really say it out loud either . So I brood on it and sit there , feeling something stuck in my throat , as if to speak it would cause me great harm , but it 's in there and it wants to come out . So much so that this little cat has become a metaphor in my life for the words that I need to speak , that I need to say aloud to help myself and possibly to help someone else . Some part of me believes this . We don 't end up adopting him , but in a way , he adopts me - appearing at just the right times over the next few months to help me remember and pull up these old memories . Coincidence ? I think not - Carl Jung says what doesn 't come to you in consciousness comes to you as fate . For me , Todd is both . So while the world is going on , Julie talking about the cat outside and how he must not have a home and we 'll have to feed him and this and that , I try to distract myself , doing something on the computer or my phone , playing a game , drinking a glass of wine - but that 's not where I am . I 'm not even in my body . I 'm in a field in Hartland , Michigan , and I am 11 . I 'm in a field of tall grass in the heat of summer . Sweat drips and drops off of me . My blonde hair is pasted against my neck and face . I 'm not a very sweaty kid , I 'm more of misty kid . Sweat covers me most days from head to toe when it 's hot . I 've never liked the heat even though I was born in the summer . It gives me a headache . I wish I did like summer . Everyone else can 't wait until it comes around , but I 'm too fair - skinned to ever fall in love with it . Most summer days I 'm inside , in the water or somewhere cool . If not , I 'm likely complaining and miserable , because I can 't stand the heat . But not today . Today , I 'm out in the field next to our home in Hartland , Michigan , just three lines in from my thumb , that 's where I live on the map . I 'm playing with a bunch of kittens . They are the sweetest things ever , their tiny green eyes and soft baby fur . I love them so much I 'll even stand right in the heat of the sun for them . I whisper to them - things I 've never heard anyone say to me . " I love you , little kitten . " Always in a hush . I know if someone hears they 'll tease me . We don 't say such things at my house and I don 't know why we don 't , but we don 't and if you even think of such things , someone will call you a baby , an asshole , a witch or something worse . " You 're my best friends . " Grinning as I tell them . A tear wells in the corner of my eye when I say it . I don 't know why that tear does that . I blink it back . " No sense crying over some silly cats . " That 's what I tell myself whenever I start to worry about something I shouldn 't or can 't do anything about . I 'm 11 , crying is for babies . " No sense crying over that . " The cats are tiny , maybe six or eight weeks old , two gray , one black , and two black and white - " a mixed breed , " Momma would say . I 've named each of them after someone famous , someone I might be like when I grow up . I wouldn 't ever tell anyone their names . It 's a secret between me and my kittens and if I did tell someone theyMomma and Daddy have been gone for nearly a year - I 'm not sure they are ever coming back . Daddy , who is this old guy with wispy gray hairs on the top of his head , always covered by a trucker hat or a Greek fisherman 's hat , even though he is not Greek or a trucker , pulled me aside one day and dragged me into the park , which made me want to scream and run away because he gives me the creeps . I get that feeling inside that says something bad is about to happen whenever I am alone with him , and for all the things I don 't feel or don 't admit - that 's one thing I do listen to . He promised he just had something to tell me and wouldn 't do anything bad , so I went with him into the park - and tell me something he did . He told me , with his old coffee breath streaming right out of his mouth into my nose and out the top of my head , that he and Momma were leaving to find work and they 'd come back to get me . I didn 't really believe him because I hardly know him and in my family we don 't trust people we don 't know . I also didn 't know what to say . So I stood there in silence and pretended it wasn 't going to happen . I never knew Daddy before last year when he moved in with us . No one ever even told me he was moving in . I only overheard Momma saying to one of the older kids , " We need him . We 'll have a better life if he 's around . " I haven 't seen anything better since he 's been around . Anyone who was old enough to move out of the house did , right away . Johnny and Bobby are the only ones left with me . With Daddy moved in , the rules changed fast . No TV , unless you wanted to watch PBS , which is the most terrible channel I 've ever watched . We ate microwave food instead of real food and it didn 't taste good . Momma didn 't watch TV with us anymore , she played cards with him and I had to go to bed at 9 : 00 . Before that I always stayed up past 11 : 00 . Momma and Daddy left me with Johnny and Bobby . Johnny is 18 and Bobby is 16 . Johnny is in charge because he is older , taller than Bobby , and Daddy for that matter , and has a job . He doesn 't go to school anymore , because he quit . I don 't know why he quit , he never told me , and I never asked . He just stopped going one day and that was that . People do this kind of thing all the time in my family , they stop doing something or start doing something and never explain anything and no one asks and it seems no one even cares . Why would you ask anyway ? I 'm so sad that Momma left me here and is off doing something with Daddy . I yell at Bobby and antagonize him , until he can 't stand it any longer and he hits me or chases me or holds me down and tickles me until I pee my pants , then he laughs at me and I 'm humiliated , which actually makes me feel better than crying about missing Momma . That 's how we work through things around here . We don 't ever talk about a thing and wouldn 't know what you meant if you asked how we were feeling . I 'd respond with " I 'm alive aren 't I ? That 's good enough for me . " But on the inside , I tell you , there 's something dark in me that would love to just jump in the pond and go under the water and never ever come back out . Just stay at the bottom all cried out and dead . I much prefer living with Johnny and Bobby than having Daddy leering and lurking around every corner being weird and making me watch PBS . I sure do miss Momma though , but I never tell anyone that I do . It 's fun sometimes being with Bobby and Johnny . They let me stay up late , they give me money to leave them alone , and I go to the store and buy candy . They take me with them to places with this loud music playing - I feel like a wild animal , doing whatever comes into my head ! Sometimes , though , I wish I were not here but somewhere else , where it 's just me and Momma . These little kittens I have out in the field with me are like me . Well , not really . Their Momma kitty comes back and brings them food and they get milk from her sometimes , but they are kind of growing up on their own , just like me . Nobody tells me nothing about nothing about growing up , except wash your face , don 't chew with your mouth open and don 't wear that goddamn baseball hat every day . I try to act normal whenever I get in front of anyone I haven 't met before or when I 'm at school and everyone else seems to know what they are supposed to be doing , but I 'm just lost , walking around looking for someone to tell me what to do . But there isn 't anyone to tell me . These kittens are my only real friends . I know a few kids from school and from around town , but I don 't trust anyone outside my family . I can 't be honest with them . I might end up in a foster house or an orphanage or something worse , and I think the evil and good you know are better than the ones you don 't . It 's a sunny morning in the summer , the middle of June , before Bobby 's birthday , which is on the 25th . He is about to turn 17 . In my mind , he 's a slob and an ugly - faced pig , but in reality , he 's a sweet - looking boy with a swath of blond hair that 's unruly but handsome all the same . His eyes are twinkling blue , just like mine and just like Momma says Daddy 's are , but I 've seen Daddy and his eyes look old and gray , not twinkling at all . Bobby 's tall and trim and wears a pair of tight swim shorts when he works in the yard . Secretly I love him so much I 'd like to hug him , but I 'll never , ever mention that to anyone , not ever . I 'm out in the sun twirling around in the dirt and I see Bobby and my sister Jenny 's husband , Fred . Fred used to smoke a lot of pot and sell it right out of the kitchen in their trailer . Since they have two kids now , he stopped doing that . Fred seems old to me , 25 , with his long black ponytail and scraggly beard . They 're kind of whispering , but whispering in the way that boys do , not whispering at all . Fred says , " Man , there 's about 20 cats around here , I 've got no idea how in the hell so many cats popped up so fast , but we 've got to take care of them . The best way to do it is either put them in a bag and throw them in the pond , or put them in a bag and bury them in a hole . " I stop still from my twirling around and around and stare at the dirt . I 'm stiff like a board and I want to scream at them " Don 't kill my friends ! " but I don 't . It wouldn 't change a thing and they might decide to put me in the hole or in the pond as well , and while I would like to die lots of days , I can 't really make myself go through with that whole idea . Bobby slams the screen door to the back shed of our house . When Momma was here she would have yelled , " Don 't slam the goddamn door . " But she 's not here so no one cares . I don 't like the slam of the door , but it doesn 't bother me enough to start something with Bobby . He comes back out of the house with a shovel . He strips off his shirt and throws it over one of the three laundry lines we have hanging from the house to the old falling - down barn that has an outhouse connected to it . It 's not a working outhouse - someone filled the holes with dirt . Bobby 's back is brown from sun and I notice muscle on him that I 've never seen before . This summer he 's working on the hay farm for the first time ever . I don 't think he likes it too much but it 's the only work he can get . His mouth is closed tight and straight across - he 's on a mission . I stand out of the way with my back against the scraped - up house . We scraped the house last year and painted it , but didn 't have enough paint for the back of the house or the back shed , so they are rough to the touch and smell deep of rain and wood . It 's a smell that I would take with me in a bottle if I knew how . He marches off to the back right corner of the yard . He 's wearing his swimming shorts , his white tube socks and his blue Trax shoes from Kmart . I hate Kmart . I 'd rather go to the mall , but we can 't afford anything at the mall so we shop at Kmart once a year for clothes . He jabs the shovel at the ground and jumps up and lands on the top of the shovel with both feet pushing it deep into the ground . He does this over and over and over . I know what he 's doing , but I don 't want to admit it . So I watch and watch and then I get hungry as if nothing is going on at all and go over to where he is . " You want a bologna sandwich ? " I ask . " Get out of here , Amy , " he says , short and quick . Normally I 'd protest and yell something or say something back , but this time I slink off and go and make myself a fried bologna sandwich . I like to cook , and I can 't breathe , can 't breathe , can 't breathe . I lie down on the ground and hold onto it with my hands . The world is spinning out of control . Who puts cats in a bag and buries them ? Why couldn 't I ask what was going on ? Do I have time to dig them up ? There 's got to be some other solution , I know there has to be . I can 't do anything though , I 'm 11 and I 'm just a baby on the inside still . I can 't do anything , the tears drip right out of my head , I can 't blink them back . I hold the grass as if it 's holding me back , keeping me from spinning right off the earth and into another universe , maybe one where cats don 't get put in bags and get thrown into a hole . I know I 'm feeling something but I don 't know what . When I 'm sure Bobby is not around , I go and lie next to that pile of smoothed - over dirt and pretend I hear those famous kittens and in my mind they are singing my name and saying , " Go , Amy - go far away and be alive . " And I know that one day I will . I 'm not going to die here . I 'm not going to die . I will never give up . I will say it over and over and over , I 'm not going to do this . I 'm not going to stay here and be like this . I 'm going to get out . I 'm going to get out . |
The Dragon that was the monster of the early world now appears only in the traditional folktales , where the hero , a new Perseus , fights for the life of the Princess who looks on ciyjng at the brink of the sea , bound to a silver chair , while the Dragon is " put in a way he will eat no more kings ' daughters . " in the stories of today he has shrunk to eel or worm , for the persons and properties of the folklore of all countries keep being trans - formed or remade in the imagination , so that once in New England on the eve of George Washington 's birthday , the decorated shop windows set me wondering whether the cherry tree itself might not be a remaking of the red - berried dragon guarded rowan of the Celtic tales , or it may be of a yet more ancient apple . I ventured to hint at this in a lecture at Philadelphia , and next day one of the audience wrote me that he had looked through all the early biographies of Washington , and either the first three or the first three editions of the earliest - I have mislaid the letter - never mention the cherry tree at all . The monstrous beasts told of today recall the visions of Maeldune on his strange dream - voyage , where he saw the beast that was like a horse and that had " legs of a hound with rough sharp nails , " and the fiery pigs that fed on golden fruit , and the cat that with one flaming leap turned a thief to a heap of ashes ; for the folk - tales of the world have long roots , and there is nothing new save their reblossoming . There was a room over the stable I was put to sleep in , and no one near me . One night I felt a great weight on my feet , and there was something very weighty coming up upon my body and I heard heavy breathing . Every night after that I used to light the fire and bring up coal and make up the fire with it that it would be near as good in the morning as it was at night . And I brought a good terrier up every night to sleep with me on the bed . Well , one night the fire was lighting and the moon was shining in at the window , and the terrier leaped off the bed and he was barking and rushing and fighting and leaping , near to the ceiling and in tinder the bed . And I could see the shadow of him on the walls and on the ceiling , and I could see the shadow of another thing that was about two foot long and that had a head like a pike , and that was fighting and leaping . They stopped after a while and all was quiet . But from that night the terrier never would come to sleep in the room again . No , I saw nothing myself , I 'm not one of those that can see such things ; but I heard of a man that went with the others on rent day , and because he could pay no rent but only made excuses , the landlord didn 't ask him in to get a drink with the others . So as he was coming home by himself in the dark , there was something on the road before him , and he gave it a hit with the toe of his boot , and it let a squeal . So then he said to it , " Come in here to my house , for I 'm not asked to drink with them ; I 'll give drink and food to you . " So it came in , and the next morning he found by the door a barrel full of wine and another full of gold , and he never knew a day 's want after that . There is a monster of some sort down by Duras , it 's called the ghost of Fiddeen . Some say it 's only heard every seven years . Some say it was a flannel seller used to live there that had a short fardel . We heard it here one night , like a calf roaring . One night my grandfather was beyond at Inchy where the lads from Gort used to be stealing rods , and he was sitting by the wall , and the dog beside him . And he heard something come running from Inchy Weir and he could see nothing , but the sound of its feet on the ground was like the sound of the feet of a deer . And when it passed by him the dog got in between him and the wall and scratched at him , but still he could see nothing but only could hear the sound of hoofs . So when it was passed he turned away home . Another time , my grandfather told me , he was in a boat out on the lake here at Coole with two or three men from Gort . And one of them had an eel - spear and he thrust it into the water and it hit something , and the man fainted , and they had to carry him in out of the boat to land . And when he came to himself he said that what he struck was like a horse or like a calf , but whatever it was , it was no fish . There is a boy I knew , one Curtin near Ballinderreen , told me that he was going along the road one night and he saw a dog . It had claws like a cur , and a body like a person , and he couldn 't see what its head was like . But it was moaning like a soul in pain , and presently it vanished , and there came most beautiful music , and a woman came out and he thought at first it was the Banshee , and she wearing a red petticoat . And a striped jacket she had on , and a white band about her waist . And to hear more beautiful singing and music he never did , but to know or to understand what she was expressing , he couldn 't do it . And at last they came to a place by the roadside where there was some bushes . And she went in there and disappeared under them , and the most beautiful lights came shining where she went in . And when he got home , he himself fainted , and his mother put her beads over him , and blessed him and said prayers . So he got quiet at last . We don 't give in to such things here as they do in the middle island ; but I wouldn 't doubt that about the dog . For they can see what we can 't see . And there was a man here was out one night and the dog ran on and attacked something that was in front of him - a faery it was - but he could see nothing . And every now and again it would do the same thing , and seemed to be fighting something before him , and when they got home the man got safe into the house , but at the threshold the dog was killed . And a horse can see many things , and if ever you 're out late , and the horse to stop as if there was something he wouldn 't pass , make the sign of the cross between his ears , and he 'll go on then . And it 's well to have a cock always in the house , if you can have it from a March clutch , and the next year if you can have another cock from a March clutch from that one , it 's the best . And if you go late out of the house , and that there is something outside it would be bad to meet , that cock will crow before you 'll go out . I 'm sorry I wasn 't in to meet you surely , knowing as much as I do about the faeries . One night I went with four or five others down by the mill to hunt rabbits . And when we got to the field by the river there was the sound of hundreds , some crying and the other part laughing , that we all heard them . And something came down to the river , first I thought he was a dog and then I saw he was too big and strange looking . And you 'd think there wouldn 't be a drop of water left in the river with all he drank . An dl bid the others say nothing about it , for Patrick Green was lying sick at the mill , and it might be taken for a bad sign . And it wasn 't many days after that he died . My father told me that one night he was crossing this road , he turned to the wall to close his shoe . And when he turned again there was something running through the field that was the size of a yearling calf , and black , and it ran across the road , and there was like the sound of chains in it . And when it came to that rock with the bush on it , it stopped and he could see a red light in its mouth . And then it disappeared . He used often to see a black dog in this road , and it used to be following him , and others saw it too . But one night the brother of the priest , Father Mitchell saw it and he told the priest and he banished it . The lake down there ( Lough Graney ) is an enchanted place , and old people told me that one time they were swimming there , and a man had gone out into the middle and they saw something like a great big eel making for him , and they called out , " If ever you were a great swimmer show us now how you can swim to the shore , " for they wouldn 't frighten him by saying what was behind him . So he swam to the shore , and he only got there when the thing behind him was in the place where he was . For there are queer things in lakes . I never saw anything myself , but one time I was coming home late from Scariff , and I felt my hair standing up on my head , and I began to feel a sort of shy and fearful , and I could feel that there was something walking beside me . But after a while there was a little stream across the road , and after I passed that I was all right again and could feel nothing near . I never saw anything myself but once , early in the morning and I going to the May fair of Loughrea . It was a little way outside of the town I saw something that had the appearance of a black pig , and it was running in under the cart and under the ass 's feet . And the ass would keep backing away from it , that it was hardly I could bring her along , till we got to the bridge of Cloon , and once we were over that we saw it no more , for it couldn 't pass the running water . And all the time it was with us I was hitting at it with my stick , and it would run from me then , for it was a hazel stick , and the hazel is blessed , and no wicked thing can stay when it is touched with it . It is likely the nuts are blessed too . Aren 't they growing on the same tree ? I was over at Phayre 's mill one time to get some boards sawed and they said l must wait an hour or so , where the mill wasn 't free . And I had a load of turf to get , and I went along the road . And I heard something coming after me in the gutter , and it stood up over me like an elephant , and I put my hands behind me and I said , " Madad Fior , " and he went away . It was just at the bridge he was , near Kilchriest , and when I was coming back after a while , just when I got to the bridge there , he was after me again . But I never saw him since then . One time I was at the fair at Ballinasloe , and I but a young lad at the time , and a comrade with me that was but a young lad too . We brought in the sheep the Monday evening , and they were sold the Tuesday morning , and the master bid us to go home on the train . " Bad cess , " said my comrade , " are we to get no good at all out of the fair ? Let us stop , " says he , " and get the good of it and go back by the mail train . " So we went through the fair together and went to a dance , and the master never knew , and we went home on the mail train together . We got out at Woodlawn and we were going home , and we heard a sort of a groaning and we could see nothing , and the boy that was ' with me was frightened , for though he was a strong boy , he was a timorous man . We found then the groaning coming from beyond the wall , and I went and put my two fists on the wall and looked over it . There were two trees on the other side of the wall , and I saw walking off and down from one tree to the other , something that was like a soldier or a sentry . The body was a man 's body , and there was a black suit on it , but it had the head of a bear , the very head and puss of a bear . I asked what was on him . " Don 't speak to me , don 't speak to me , " he said , and he stopped by the tree and was groaning and went away . My father told me that in the bad times , about the year ' 48 , he used to be watching about in the fields , where the people did be stealing the crops . And there was no field in Coole he was afraid to go into by night except one , that is number three in the Lake Farm . For the dog that was about in those times stopped the night in the clump there . And Johnny Callan told me one night passing that field he heard the noise of a cart of stones thrown against the wall . But when he went back there in the morning there was no sign of anything at all . My father never saw the dog himself but he was known to be there and he felt him . As to the dog that used to be in the road , a friend of his own was driving Father Boyle from Kinvara late one night and there it was - first on the right side and then on the left of the car . And at last he told Father Boyle , and he said . " Look out now for it , and you 'll see it no more , " and no more he did , and that was the last of it . Father Boyle was a good man indeed - a child might speak to him . They said he had the dog or whatever it may be banished from the road , but of late I heard the driver of the mail - car saying he sees it on one spot on the road every night . And there 's a very lonely hollow beyond Doran 's house , and I know a man that never passed by that hollow but what he 'd fall asleep . But one night he saw a sort of a muffled figure and he cried out three times some good wish - such as " God have mercy on you " - and then it gave a great laugh and vanished and he saw it no more . As to the forths or other old places , how do we know what poor soul may be shut up there , confined in pain ? I didn 't believe in them myself till one night I was coming home from a wedding , and standing on the road beside me I saw John Kelly 's donkey that he always used to call Neddy . So he was standing in my way and I gave a blow at him and said , " Get out of that , Neddy . " And he moved off only to come across me again , and to stop me from going in . And so he did all the way , till as I was going by a bit of wood I heard come out of it two of the clearest laughs that ever you heard , and then two sorts of shouts . So I knew that it was having fun with me they were , and that it was not Neddy was there , but his likeness . And one night I was between Kiltartan Chapel and Nolan 's gate where I had some sheep to look after for the priest . And the dog I had with me ran out into the middle of the road , and there he began to yelp and to fight . I stood and watched him for a while , and surely he was fighting with another dog , but there was nothing to be seen . And in the same part of the road one night I heard horses galloping , galloping past me . I could hear their hoofs , and they shod , on the stones of the road . But though I stood aside and looked - and it was bright moonlight - there were no horses to be seen . But they were there , and believe me they were not without riders . Well , myself I once slept in a house with some strange thing . I had my aunt then , Mrs . Leary , living near , and I but a small little girl at the time . And one day she came to our house and asked would I go sleep with her , and I said I would if she 'd give me a ride on her back , and so she did . And for many a night after that she brought me to sleep with her , and my mother used to be asking why , and she 'd give no reason . Well , the cause of her wanting me was this . Every night so sure as she put the candle out , itwould come and lie upon her fret and across her body and near smother her , and she could feel it breathing but could see nothing . I never felt anything at all myself , I being sound asleep before she quenched the light . At last she went to Father Smith - God rest his soul ! - and he gave her a prayer to say at the moment of the Elevation of the Mass . So the next time she attended Mass she used it , and that night it was wickeder than ever it had been . Another time he was coming home from Kinvara , and a black and white dog came out against him from the wall , but he took no notice of it . But when he got near his own house it came out against him again and bit him in the leg , and he got hold of it and lifted it up and took it by the throat and choked it ; and when he was sure it was dead he threw it by the roadside . But in the morning he went out first thing early to look at the body , and there was no sign at all of it there . So I believe indeed that old Michael Barrett hears them and sees them . But they do him no mischief nor harm at all . They wouldn 't , and he such an old resident . But there 's many wouldn 't believe he sees anything because they never seen them themselves . I never did but once , when I was a slip of a girl beyond at Lissatiraheely , and one time I went across to the big forth to get a can of water . And when I got near to it I heard voices , and when I came to where the water runs out they were getting louder and louder . And I stopped and looked down , and there in the passage where the water comes I seen a dog within , and there was a great noise - working I suppose they were . And I threw down the can and turned and ran , and never went back for it again . But here since I lived in Coole I never seen any - thing and never was afeared of anything except one time only in the evening , when I was walking down the little by - lane that leads to Ballinamantane . And there standing in the path before me I seen the very same dog that was in the old forth before . And I believe I leaped the wall to get away into the high - road . And what day was that but the very same day that Sir William - the Lord be with his soul ! - was returned a Member of Parliament , and a great night it was in Kiltartan . But I 'm noways afeared of anything and I give you my word I 'd walk in the dead of night in the nut - wood or any other place - except only the cross beyond Inchy , I 'd sooner not go by there . There 's two or three has their life lost there - Heffernan of Kildesert , one of your ladyship 's own tenants , he was one . He was at a fair , and there was a horse another man wanted , but he got inside him and got the horse . And when he was riding home , when he came to that spot it reared back and threw him , and he was taken up dead . And another man - one Gallagher - fell off the top of a creel of turf in the same place and lost his life . And there was a woman hurted some way another time . What 's that you 're saying , John - that Gallagher had a drop too much taken ? That might be so indeed ; and what call has a man that laas drink taken to go travel upon top of a creel of turf ? That dog I met in the boreen at Ballinamantane , he was the size of a calf , and black , and his paws the size of I don 't know what . I was sitting in the house one day , and he came in and sat down by the dresser and looked at me . And I didn 't like the look of him when I saw the big eyes of him , and the size of his legs . And just then a man came in that used to make his living by making mats , and he used to lodge with me for a night now and again . And he went out to bring his cart away where he was afraid it 'd be knocked about by the people going to the big bonfire at Kiltartan cross - roads . And when he went out I looked out the door , and there was the dog sitting under the cart . So be made a hit at it with a stick , and it was in the stones the stick stuck , and there was the dog sitting at the other side of him . So he came in and gave me abuse and said I must be a strange woman to have such things about me . And he never would come to lodge with me again . But didn 't the dog behave well not to do him an injury after he hitting it ? It was surely some man that was in that dog , some soul in trouble . Beasts will sometimes see more than a man will . There were three young chaps I know went up near Ballyturn to hunt coneens ( young rabbits ) and they threw the dog over the wall . And when he was in the field he gave a yelp and drew back as if something had struck him on the head . And with all they could do , and the rabbits and the coneens running about the field , they couldn 't get him to stir from that and they had to come home with no rabbits . One time I was helping Sully , the butcher in Loughrea , and I had to go to a country house to bring in a measly pig the people had ) and that he was to allow them something for . So I got there late and had to stop the night . And in the morning at daylight I looked from the window and saw a cow eating the potatoes , so I went down to drive him off . And in the kitchen there was lying by the hearth a dog , a speckled one , with spots of black and white and yellow . And when he saw me he got up and went over to the door and went out through it . And then I saw that the door was shut and locked . So I went back again and told the people of the house what I saw and they were frightened and made me stop the next night . And in the night the clothes were taken off me and a heavy blow struck me in the chest , and the feel of it was like the feel of ice . So I covered myself up again and put my hand under the bedclothes , and I never came to that house again . I never seen anything myself , but I remember well that when I was a young chap there was a black dog between Coole gate - house and Gort for many a year , and many met him there . Tom Miller came running into our house one time when he was after seeing him , and at first sight he thought he was a man , where he was standing with his paws up upon the wall , and then he vanished out of sight . But there never was any common dog the size of him , and it 's many a one saw him , and it was Father Boyle that banished him out of it at last . Except that thing at Inchy Weir , I never saw anything my - self . But one evening I parted from Larry Cuniffe in the yard , and he went away through the path in Shanwalla and bid me goodnight . But two hours after , there he was back again in the yard , and bid me light a candle was in the stable . And he told me that when he got into Shanwalla a little chap about as high as his knee , but having a head as big as a man 's body , came beside him and led him out of the path and round about , and at last it brought him to the limekiln , and there left him . There was a woman at Glenlough when I was young could change herself into an eel . It was in Galway Workhouse Hospital she got the knowledge . A woman that had the knowledge of doing it by witchcraft asked her would she like to learn , and she said that she would , for she didn 't know what it would bring on her . For every time she did it , she 'd be in bed a fortnight after with all she 'd go through . Sir Martin O ' Neill when he was a young lad heard of it , and he got her into a room , and made her do it for him , and when he saw her change to an eel he got frightened and tried to get away , but she got between him and the door , and showed her teeth at him and growled . She wasn 't the better of that for a fortnight after . Indeed the porter did me great good , a good that I 'd hardly like to tell you , not to make a scandal . Did I drink too much of it ? Not at all , I have no fancy for it , but the nights seemed to be long But this long time I am feeling a worm in my side that is as big as an eel , and there 's more of them in it than that , and I was told to put sea - grass to it , and I put it to the side the other day , and whether it was that or the porter I don 't know , but there 's some of them gone out of it , and I think it 's the porter . I knew a woman near Clough was out milking her cow , and when she got up to go away she saw one of those worms coming after her , and it eight feet long , and it made a jump about eight yards after her . And I heard of a man went asleep by a wall one time , and one of them went down his throat and he never could get rid of it till a woman from the North came . And what she bade him do was to get a bit of old crock butter and to make a big fire on the hearth , and to put the butter in a half round on the hearth , and to get two men to hold him over it . And when the worms got the smell of the butter they jumped out of his mouth , seven or eight one after another , and it was in the fire they fell and they were burned , and that was an end of them . As to hares , there 's something queer about them , and there 's some that it 's dangerous to meddle with , and that can go into any form where they like . Sure , Mrs . Madden is after having a young son , and it has a harelip . But she says that she doesn 't remember that ever she met a hare or looked at one . But if she did , she had a right to rip a small bit of the seam of her dress or her petticoat , and then it would have no power to hurt her at all . Doran the herd says , he wouldn 't himself eat the flesh of a hare . There 's something unnatural about it . But as to them being unlucky , that may be all talk . But there 's no doubt at all that a cow is found sometimes to be run dry , and the hare to be seen coming away from her . One time when we lived just behind Gort my father was going to a fair . And it was the custom in those days to set out a great deal earlier than what it is now . So it was not much past mid - night when he got up and went out the door , and the moon shining bright . And then he saw a hare walk in from the street and turn down by the garden , and another after it , and another and another till he counted twelve . And they all went straight one after another and vanished . And my father came in and shut the door , and never went out again till it was broad day - light . And the hound was gaining on the hare and it made for I house , where the half - door was open . And the hound made a snap at it and touched it as it leaped the half - door . And when my uncle and the others came up , they could find no hare , but only an old woman in the house - and she bleeding . So there 's no doubt at all but it was she took the form of a hare . My uncle spent too much money after , and gave up his land and went to America . As to hares , there was a man out with his greyhound and it gave chase to a hare . And it made for a house , and went in at the window , and the hound just touched the leg . And when the man came up , he found an old woman in the house , and he asked leave to search the house and so he did in every place , but there was no bare to be seen . But when he came in she was putting a pot on the fire , so he said that he must look in the pot , and he took the cover off , and it was full of blood . And before the hound gave chase , he had seen the hare sucking the milk from a cow . As to hares , there 's no doubt at all there 's some that 's not natural . One night I was making pot - whiskey up in that hill beyond . Yes indeed , for three year , I did little but run to and fro to the still , and one December , I was making it for the Christmas and I was taken and got nine weeks in gaol for it - and £ 16 worth of whiskey spilled that night . But there 's mean people in the world ; and he did it for half a sovereign , and had to leave the country after and go to England . Well , one night , I was watching by the fire where it was too fierce , and it would have burned the oats . And over the hill and down the path came two hares and walked on and into the wood . And two more after that , and then by fours they came , and by sixes , and I 'd want a slate and a pencil to count all I saw , and it just at sunrise . And some of them were as thin as thin . And there 's no doubt at all that those were not haresI saw that night . As to hares , they 're the biggest fairies of all . Last year the boys had one caught , and I put it in the pot to wash it and it after being skinned , and I heard a noise come from the pot - grr - grr - and nothing but cold water in it . And I ran to save my life , and I told the boys to have nothing to do with it , but they wouldn 't mind me . And when they tried to eat it , and it boiled , they couldn 't get their teeth into the flesh of it , and as for the soup , it was no different from potato - water . The village of Lissavohalane has a great name for such things . And it 's certain that once one night every year , in the month of November , all the cats of the whole country round gather together there and fight . My own two cats were nearly dead for days after it last year , and the neighbours told me the same of theirs . There was a woman had a cat and she would feed it at the table before any other one ; and if it did not get the first meat that was cooked , the hair would rise up as high as that . Well , there were priests came to dinner one day , and when they were helped the first , the hair rose up on the cat 's back . And one of them said to the woman it was a queer thing to give in to a cat the way she did , and that it was a foolish thing to be giving it the first of the food . So when it heard that , it walked out of the house , and never came into it again . There 's something not right about cats . Steve Smith says he knew a keeper that shot one , and it went into a sort of a heap , and when he came near , it spoke , and he found it was some person , and it said it had to walk its seven acres . And there 's some have heard them together at night talking Irish . There was a hole over the door of the house that I used to live in , where Murphy 's house is now , to let the smoke out , for there was no chimney . And one day a black cat jumped in at the hole , and stopped in the house and never left us for a year . But on the day year he came he jumped out again at the same hole and didn 't go out of the door that was standing open . There was no mistake about it , it was the day year . As to cats , they 're a class in themselves . They 're good to catch mice and rats , but just let them come in and out of the house for that ; they 're about their own business all the time . And in the old times they could talk . And it 's said that the cats gave a shilling for what they have ; fourpence that the housekeeper might be careless and leave the milk about that they 'd get at it ; and fourpence that they 'd tread so light that no one would hear them , and fourpence that they 'd be able to see in the dark . And I might as well throw out that drop of tea I left on the dresser to cool , for the cat is after that . There might be a hair in it , and the hair of a cat is poison . There was a man had a house full of children , and one day he was taking their measure for boots . And the cat that was sitting on the hearth said , " Take my measure for a pair of boots along with the rest . " So the man did , and when he went to the shoemaker he told him of what the cat had said . And there was a man in the shop at the time , and he having two greyhounds with him , and one of them all black without a single white hair . And he said , " Bring the cat here tomorrow . You can tell it that the boots can 't be made without it coming for its measure . " So the next day he brought the cat in a bag , and when he got to his shop the man was there with his greyhounds , and he let the cat out , and it praying him not to loosen the bag . And it made away through the fields and the hounds after it , and whether it killed one of them I don 't know , but anyhow the black hound killed it , the one that had not a white hair on its body . Cats were serpents , and they were made into cats at the time , I suppose , of some change in the world . That 's why they 're hard to kill and why it 's dangerous to meddle with them . If you annoy a cat it might claw you or bite you in a way that would put poison in you , and that would be the serpent 's tooth . And when he was on his way home again from the village he met them again , and one of the cats turned and spoke to him like a person would , and said , " Bid Lady Betty to come to the funeral or she 'll be late . " So he ran on home in a great fright , and he couldn 't speak for some time after getting back to the house , but sat there by the fire in a chair . And at last lie began to tell his wife what had happened . And when he said that he had met a cat 's funeral , his own cat that was sleeping by the hearth began to stir her tail , and looked up at him , affectionate like . But when he got to where he was bid send Lady Betty to the funeral , she made one dash at his face and scraped it , she was so mad that she wasn 't told at once . And then she began to tear at the door , that they had to let her out . I saw three young weasels out in the sea , squealing , squealing , for they couldn 't get to land , and I put out a bunch of seaweed and brought them to the land , and they went away after . I did that for them . Weasels are not right , no more than cats ; and I 'm not sure about foxes . But it came in again , and took a hold of another of the geese and Mrs . Coneely said , " Oh , I 'm not begrudging you what you have taken , but leave these to me for it is hard I earned them , and it is great trouble I had rearing them . But go , " she said , ' to the shoemaker 's home beyond , where they have a clutch , and let you spare mine . And that I may never sin , " she said , " but it walked out , for they can understand everything , and it did not leave one of the clutch that was at the shoemaker 's . " It is why I called to you now when I saw you sitting there so near to the sea ; I thought the tide might steal up on you , or a weasel might chance to come up with a fish in its mouth , and to give you a start . It 's best if you see one to speak nice to it , and to say , " I wouldn 't be begrudging you a pair of boots or of shoes if I had them . " If you treat them well they will treat you well . I was out in the field one time tilling potatoes , and two or three more along with me , and a weasel put its head out of the wall - a double stone wall it was - and one of the lads fired a stone at it . Well , within a minute there wasn 't a hole of the wall but a weasel had put its head out of it , about a thousand of them , I saw that myself . Very spiteful they are . I wouldn 't like them . There is not much luck in killing a seal . There was a man in these parts was very fond of shooting and killing them . And seals have claws the same as cats , and he had two daughters , and when they were born , they had claws the same as seals . I believe there is one of them living yet . But the thing it is not right to touch is the ron ( seal ) for they are in the Sheogue . It is often I see them on the strand , sitting there and wiping themselves on the rocks . And they have a hand with five fingers , like any Christian . I seen six of them , coming in a boat one time with a man from Connemara , that is the time I saw they had the five fingers . There was a man killed one of them over there near the point . And he came to the shore and it was night , and he was near dead with the want of a blast of a pipe , and he saw a light from a house on the side of a mountain , and he went in to ask a coal of fire to kindle the pipe . And when he went in , there was a woman , and she called out to a man that was lying stretched on the bed in the room , and she said , " Look till you see who this man is . And the man that was on the bed says , " I know you , for I have the sign of your hand on me . And let you get out of this now , " he said , " as fast as you can , and it will be best for you . " And the daughter said to him , " I wonder you to let him go as easy as that . " And you may be sure that man made off and made no delay . It was a Sheogue house that was ; and the man on the bed was the ron he had killed , but he was not dead , being of the Sheogues . It has been written extensively by leading intuitive healers , that crystals have physical , spiritual and emotional frequencies that can affect the chakra 's and more importantly re - tune our energetic body . According to intuitive and crystal healers , crystals and minerals provide healing and is an art and practice , done on a metaphysical , energetic and physical level . Crystals and minerals are being used extensively in Holistic and Complementary Medicine treatment . 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I should have been paying attention . Growing up on the run from religious fanatics gave me more than a few good reasons to be careful , but I was just too tired to be as vigilant as I should have been . My mind was occupied with my latest case - a missing nine year old girl . I was usually good at my job , but sometimes I needed a little extra help from magick . I always managed to track down a cheating spouse or the occasional runaway , but now it seemed more children were missing from the streets of Seattle and nothing I did worked . A cat jumped on my shoulder and jerked me from my exhaustion induced stupor . I spun into a defensive crouch only to see the cat had landed on the sidewalk behind me . Time seemed to stop for a moment when the cat spoke . " RUN ! " My name is Jocelyn Matthews and if I live through tonight , I 'll tell you all about my life as a witch . For the past ten years , Jocelyn has been living as a closet witch in Seattle . When the Inquisitors that have been after her from the time she was nine finally manage to find her , Jocelyn is thrust into a world she never guessed existed . From talking cats to dark elves , she 'll have to do something she 's never done before : trust someone other than herself . If she wants to find the children that have been going missing all over the city , she 'll have to open her eyes to the bigger picture and find her place , not only for her safety but for the city as well . Often accused of being lost in her own world , James spends most of her time at home with her husband and a menagerie of animals . She blames her love of the written word entirely on her Grandfather who owned a bookstore , feeding her addiction regularly . Cutting her teeth on illustrated fairy tales she quickly moved on to Farley Mowatt and Lucy Maude Montgomery . Proudly standing in line till after midnight for five of the seven Harry Potter books she was the only one there without a child . Kim Harrison , Charlaine Harris , Anne Rice , Keri Arthur , Jean M . Auel , Dan Brown , Stephanie Laurens , Christopher Paolini , Stephenie Meyer , and Jane Austen represent just a fraction of the titles found in her personal library . She is rarely found without a bag full of notebooks , iPods , and her Kindle . This was a really fun witchy read , lol . I loved our main character and her familiar ( Maeto ) , It was cool how he was introduces to Joss . She knew she had some powers , and figured she was a witch , but didn 't know much about the supernatural world at all , until a cat came along and talked to her , lol . The relationship Joss has with Maeto was awesome . So funny at times too . This book was written really well , and sure did a great job pulling you into the story . God I was tired . Physically , emotionally ― every way a person could be tired . It was close to three in the morning , and I was finally on my way home . I was tired and hungry and wanted nothing more than to collapse into my bed , maybe have a good cry , and sleep for a week . A cup of strong coffee sounded heavenly , but I wanted to be able to sleep when my head finally hit my pillow . The humidity of the hot August night weighed heavily on me , almost as much as my heart , and seemed to add to my overall exhaustion . Mentally kicking myself for thinking the bus was less conspicuous than my Jeep , I hitched my heavy bag higher on my shoulder . As my sneakered feet plodded against the pavement , I thought about the crappy day I had and the reasons I was dragging my carcass home so late . My day had actually started two days ago . From the minute I saw her gap toothed grinning face and offset braids in the picture her parents had brought , I knew I had my work cut out for me , but I was determined to find that little girl . Tonesha Johnson 's parents had gone to the police , but because she had a history of running away , and came from a less than affluent neighborhood , Mr . and Mrs . Johnson felt that the police weren 't taking it as seriously as they should , so they called us . How someone nine years old who chased an ice cream truck once and got lost had a " history of running away , " I couldn 't figure out . After thirty - eight hours of tough leg work and my best magick , I still couldn 't find her . None of my tried and true methods worked . Nothing I tried worked . I had exhausted all my sources . It was like she vanished into thin air . Normally , I was able to at least locate a grave , but my best guess this time was that she was dead and there wasn 't enough left of her to find . And now there were more kids missing . But how was someone missing if no one knew they were gone ? My boss was going to be pissed . I had never come up short before . Of course no one knew about the magick and spells ― that was a secret that I guarded with my life . My miserable defeat and depression over evenmore missing kids had quickly turned to disgust when I had gotten a phone call from a friend of mine on the Seattle Police force . I wanted to go home , get some sleep , and then get back on the trail with fresh eyes and more energy , but my dumb - ass figurehead of a boss had screwed up the one assignment he had begged me for and blown his cover with the wife of a client we were supposed to be following . Again . Instead of just identifying himself as a Private Investigator , he tried to make up some lame excuse and landed himself behind bars for stalking . So instead of going home to bed , I had to spend a couple extra hours to go down to the local precinct and convince my friends that as incompetent as Jimmy was , he was in fact my boss and the woman was his case . And I needed to do it all without seeing him . Maybe getting Jimmy out of jail would soften the blow when I told him , for the first time , I wasn 't able to complete my own assignment . Five years ago , I had been sitting at a café , people watching as I drank my coffee , when my attention was caught by a man with a camera . He was only slightly taller than my own five foot three frame and was wearing a very cliché tan trench coat over a dirty pair of jeans and a stained white dress shirt . He had greasy strawberry blond hair that hung in long unkempt tangles framing his weasel - like face and covering his ears . He was a stocky man who had gained far more weight than was healthy and had a very slimy , shifty look to him . In short , he stuck out like a sore thumb . The man was very obviously doing surveillance on a woman , and he had been pissed when I laughed at him when he blew his cover in a spectacular way . He had been taking pictures of the woman when he got tangled up in a passing dog 's leash and ended up sprawled at her feet . The woman turned around at the commotion and saw all the surveillance pictures of her that had fallen out of Jimmy 's coat on the sidewalk . I watched as he tried to stammer out a plausible excuse over the barking dog , the frantic owner , and a snot - nosed kid crying over and over , " The bad man hurt Fluffy ! " The woman took one look at the mess and told Jimmy to go back to his client , her husband , and tell him that she had no intention of cheating so he could get her money in a divorce . She broke Jimmy 's expensive camera and stormed off as I sat wiping the tears of laughter away . Jimmy had sarcastically asked me if I thought I could do any better . When I told him a blind , deaf dog could have done better , he told me to prove it . The next day , after I had solved two of his cases , we had come to an agreement . He would remain the owner and manager , but I would work the cases and get forty percent of the profits ― in cash . I would get a small paycheck from the company commiserate with what an assistant would normally make , but the rest of the forty percent I would get in cash . All he had to do was meet with the clients and I would pose as his assistant taking notes . Now sixty percent didn 't sound like a lot , but with the way he was working before I came along , he was living pretty damn good now that I ran things . The arrangement worked really well for both of us . He got paid for doing basically nothing , and I stayed off the grid because most of my money came in off the books . Thinking of our first meeting , I should have known better than to let him tail the wife . I just thought that after five years he would have learnedsomething . Apparently not . My messenger bag felt heavier than usual as I trudged along the sidewalk . I kept my head down and decided I was just too tired to take the round - about route I normally took home . It was really late and the streets were deserted . I would have heard something if someone was following me . After almost forty one hours without sleep , my senses weren 't as sharp as they usually were . The events of the night had brought back some very painful memories . Peter had said the streets weren 't safe , and I couldn 't afford to be careless . Even if I was no longer a child , they were still out there . My thoughts wandered to that night eighteen years ago . I had only been with that foster family for less than six months . They were decent and I really hoped nothing happened that would make them send me back to the group home . It wasn 't like I wantedthings to happen , but they always seemed to . All the therapists had said I was acting out , and they had diagnosed me with all kinds of mental and behavioral disorders to try to justify all the accidents at my previous foster homes . Fires ; things going missing only to turn up later ; foster siblings having accidents ; food going bad or getting spilled ; disappearances ; family pets uncharacteristically turning nasty . If something weird happened , they blamed it on me . The thing was most of the time it had been me , just not in the way they thought . Eighteen years ago , I found out there were people out there that wanted to kill me for the things I was able to do , and they would kill the people around me to do it . " Where is she ? " The man 's voice was rough , and I heard a thump and then a groan . He had punched my foster dad in the stomach . Another man came in dragging a kid my age . It was Eddie , my only friend at school . He had defended me against the bullies earlier that day when they were calling me a witch . It wasn 't my fault their yogurt was spoiled . They were so mean , they made it go bad . Eddie was crying and the man holding him shoved him so hard that he fell . My foster mom hugged him to her as the man screamed stuff about God and the Devil . Eddie was ripped out of my foster mom 's grip and hurled against the wall , knocking him out . I remember rocking myself , praying that they would forget he was there , that he wouldn 't get hurt anymore . I heard many things that night I can never forget , but the worst thing was that these people believed I was a black witch , a child of the Devil , and that it was their mission from God to send me back to Hell . Now I may have been only ten , but even I knew that meant they wanted to kill me . Eddie had been the only survivor that night , and I was labeled a runaway for the first time . The police ruled it a home invasion , and I made sure I never stayed in another foster home for longer than eight months again , and I even switched states twice . I wouldn 't risk another family 's safety for me . I came back to my surroundings with a jolt when a cat jumped on my shoulder , scaring the crap out of me . I spun into a defensive crouch with my hand over my hammering heart to see the cat land on the sidewalk behind me . My heart was beating a mile a minute somewhere in the vicinity of my throat . Both hot and cold at the same time , I felt almost nauseous from the adrenaline rush . It had brilliant green eyes that , even in the dark , seemed to burn with an emerald fire . I could read a multitude of emotions in those eyes : relief , fear , anger , and affection . I felt safe , connected for the first time in my life . I was released from the moment and time sped back up to normal when the cat spoke . I looked up past the cat and out of the darkness to see two men coming at me fast . I didn 't think twice . Taking the cat 's whispered shout , I sprang to my feet and ran . I was only five blocks from home , but I knew I couldn 't go straight there ; they might follow me , so I headed in the opposite direction . I heard heavy booted feet hitting the ground too close behind me , and suddenly , I was tackled hard . My shoulder and arm landed with a painful crunch on the cement of the sidewalk , barely protected by the denim of my jacket . I felt and heard the bones of my shoulder grinding together with the weight of my attacker , forcing them to try to bend in unnatural ways . I narrowly managed to avoid hitting my head by getting my only free hand up to brace for the impact , but the wind was still knocked forcefully from me . " Tell us ! Where are your sisters , witch ? Where are the others in your coven ? " The voice from behind me was deadly , and I felt the heat of his rank breath on my neck . " I don 't h - have any sisters . I don 't know w - what you 're t - talking about , " I stammered out . Peter 's warnings about religious kidnappers rang in my ears , echoing events from my childhood . They had found me . I was going to die . There was a sting at my neck as the blade of the knife was pressed against my skin . " Whore ! You will tell us what we want to know ! " I felt warmth where my blood welled from the cut and ran down my throat . " Let me go . I don 't know what you 're talking about . I didn 't do anything ! " I hated the weak tone in my voice . I wanted to sound stronger , but the ghost of the ten year old girl I used to be was terrified . No matter how hard I struggled , I couldn 't loosen the hold of halitosis guy behind me , and struggling would only make the knife bite deeper into my neck . The street was quiet at this time of the morning , and I knew that if I tried to scream they would kill me that much faster and be gone before anyone even woke up . The wiry guy in front of me put his hand over my forehead and began to speak . " I conjure you by the bitter tears shed on the Cross by our Savior the Lord JESUS Christ for the salvation of the world , and by the burning tears poured in the evening hour over His wounds by the most glorious Virgin MARY , His Mother , and by all the tears which have been shed here in this world by the Saints and Elect of God , from whose eyes He has now wiped away all tears , that if you be innocent you do now shed tears , but if you be guilty that you shall by no means do so . In the name of the Father , and of the Son , and of the Holy Ghost , Amen . " He removed his hand only to grab my jaw and lean in close , examining my face in the dim light from a nearby streetlight . " She pleads for her life and yet she shows no sign of remorse for her sins . She doesn 't weep . Our first sign of her association with the Devil , " said the one spouting some kind of weird scripture . Seriously , had he never brushed his teeth ? Great , Joss ! Real appropriate line of thought while you have a knife at your throat ! Maybe I was going into shock ? Why couldn 't I think ? My eyes darted around as I looked for something I could use to help , some way I could get away . Shave my head ? ! OH HELL NO ! I started to kick and twist as hard as I could . I didn 't want that knife any closer to me than it already was , and I definitely didn 't want to be scalped . It was no use ; my captor 's hold was too tight . Suddenly , the man let out a surprised yelp , and I felt a heavy body slam into mine . I opened my eyes to see a large dog with his mouth wrapped around the arm holding the knife . The dog had knocked the little scripture guy to the ground and was shaking him so savagely the body was being wrenched forcefully from side to side , making him look a bit like a rag doll . I could see the guy 's own blood looking black as it splattered across his face in the orange light from the streetlamp , his terrified screams drowned out by the snarling of the dog . The man holding me was surprised by the attack as well as the hit we had taken and had dropped his own knife . I grabbed the opportunity to reach up and claw at his face . My aim was better than I could have hoped , and I hit him in the eyes . He howled in pain , releasing me . Using the one maneuver I had learned in my years drifting in and out of group homes , I spun around quickly bringing my knee up between his legs and dropped him . I wasted no time and took off in a limping run as fast as my poor legs would carry me , praying the dog would buy me enough time to escape . Behind me , I heard the sounds of the barking snarling dog and curses with bodies hitting the ground . Suddenly , there was an agonized scream that cut off with a sickeningly final gurgle . Goddess , forgive me . I hoped they were hurt badly enough to give up the chase . I had no idea who owned the dog , but I swore if I got out of this , I would find out and buy it a HUGE steak ! Now I had seen some weird , magickal things in my twenty - eight years , but none of them beat a talking cat . However , seeing as that same cat had just tried to save my ass , I was going to listen first and ask questions later . I changed direction , cutting through several backyards , and ended up running through the field at the elementary school . I could see the cat was still with me . " One of them is dead but the other is still out there . " The cat stopped to listen for a minute as I struggled to regain my breath . " He 's looking in the wrong direction . Come on , we have to get to that cemetery . " I looked down to see the cat slinking out of our hiding place and after carefully checking to see for myself that it was right , I followed it . Hey , it was a talking cat ! I wasn 't entirely sure I wasn 't hallucinating from lack of sleep . We moved slowly , darting from shadow to shadow the best we could , trying to be silent . About ten minutes later , we were crouched down behind a large tombstone in a darker part of the well - maintained cemetery as I quietly tried to catch my breath from our panicked run . We listened for what had to be half an hour to see if we were followed . Finally , when the night settled back into its quiet , sleepy , normal feel , and I felt that I could breathe a bit easier , I looked down at my companion . I pressed a shaking right hand to the cut at my throat and pulled it away with fresh blood . I wondered how bad it was . " I guess I owe you a thank you for helping me out back there ? " I felt kind of stupid talking to a cat , but to be fair , it did talk to me first . I think . " You need to pay better attention to your surroundings . They would 've killed you , you know . " Its tone was belligerent , and I would have been offended if it hadn 't been right . I rubbed a hand over my face , belatedly realizing I had probably just smeared blood all over myself . " I know , you 're right , " I sighed . " I should 've been paying closer attention . I should 've gotten a hotel after work , but I just wanted to go home . It 's been close to . . . " I squinted at my watch , trying to make out the numbers in the moonlight " . . . forty - two hours since I slept last , and my instincts aren 't as sharp as they usually are . " I had a first aid kit in my bag but didn 't want to make the noise necessary to retrieve it . My cut would have to wait . I was so tired . The days without sleep , emotional turmoil , physical exertion , and now the fading adrenaline left me shaky and exhausted . If I hadn 't been sure that we were still being hunted , I would have laughed . I settled for a soft chuckle . " Yeah , that would definitely be up there on the list , but I think we had better save the explanations for when we get back to my place . You 're coming right ? " " Oh , definitely . I 've been looking for you for a very long time ; I 'm not going to lose you now . " I could hear the slight humor in his tone . I looked sideways at him . " You 'll have to explain that one later too . " I tried to ignore the pain in my arm as I settled myself more comfortably on the ground with my back to the tombstone , my pounding head resting against it . " So why am sitting in a graveyard in the middle of the night when I 'm being hunted by a crazed lunatic ? " I had to know why he told me to come here of all places . " Because thankfully the Inquisitors are still under the archaic misconception that witches can 't stand on hallowed ground . This is the last place he 'll look for us . " His tone was filled with disgust , and he was looking around carefully . " We 'll stay here until dawn . " He looked over at me as his ears continued to scan for danger . " Why don 't you lie down and get some rest . I 'll wake you up when it 's safe to leave . " Somehow I wasn 't surprised that he knew I was a witch . I mean really , he was a talking cat ! A witch was nothing compared to that . I hadn 't missed the fact that he 'd said " us " when he referred to the situation I was in either . For some reason , this cat had decided to throw his luck in with mine . The irony of the situation wasn 't lost on me , and I laughed at the cliché picture I presented . A witch in a graveyard in the middle of the night with a talking cat . I let out an amused half - laugh , half - snort at the mental image . I was enjoying the feeling of having my eyes closed when I realized I had no idea who or what this cat was . " I 'm Jocelyn by the way . Jocelyn Matthews . " His voice came out of the darkness , calm and soothing . " My name is Mateo . Sleep , Jocelyn , I 'm here and I won 't let them get you . " The strange events of the night came back in a rush , and I jerked painfully upright , confused but awake . Parts of my skin felt tight and dirty with remnants of smeared dried blood no doubt . I blinked a couple of times , letting my eyes adjust to the rising light of dawn . Crap . I rubbed my eyes with the knuckles of my right hand , my left too painful to use . I couldn 't have been asleep for more than two hours . I looked down to see the cat from last night sitting by my knee . " So all that really happened last night ? " I climbed tiredly to my feet , my body protesting every movement . Mateo looked amused as I looped the strap of my large messenger bag over my shoulder . " What ? " His head tilted to one side as he eyed my bag . " I was just wondering why you didn 't pull a sleeping bag and tent out of your . . . " his lips twitched as if he was holding back from laughing " . . . purse last night . Maybe a couple of pillows ? It would have been more comfortable . " " I wouldn 't recommend going to work for a couple of days . You need to disappear for a bit . Do you have somewhere we can hide ? " Mateo 's voice was low enough that I had to strain to hear him as he trotted at my side , tail in the air . It looked casual but by the motion of his ears , he was keeping a careful eye out for anything suspicious . Very quickly , we were at my house . It was an unassuming little white two - story house that was built in the 1940s on a large well sheltered lot set back from the main road . I had picked it up as a foreclosure and it was perfect . It had three small bedrooms - two upstairs and one downstairs - one bathroom , a small kitchen , a decent sized living room with a fireplace , and a dining room . The large lot backed right onto a huge park , and it even had a small detached garage . It needed a lot of work , but that was what I liked about it . No one would think twice about a single young woman living here ; they would assume it was a rental . I opened the gate into the backyard and led Mateo up the stairs to the back door , which opened into an enclosed porch area that held my washer and dryer . Once I took off my sneakers , I opened the inner door and let us into the kitchen . Relocking the door behind us , I went through the kitchen and turned right , walking down a narrow hall , and led us into the tiny downstairs bedroom I had turned into a reading room . I stopped and looked down at the cat carefully , wondering if I was making a huge mistake in trusting him . I decided I really didn 't have a choice . I needed to be safe while I slept , and he wasn 't showing any signs of leaving my side long enough for me to slip away unnoticed . Besides , he was only a cat , and something told me I could trust him with anything . We stopped at the bottom , and I watched as Mateo took in our hiding place . The space was large , square , and took up the entire square footage of the house above . The floor plan was open save for a few strategically placed support posts . The staircase stopped in the very center of the house and opened into a kitchen that fully took up one quarter of the available space . Copper pots hung from a rack above a large hardwood topped island . To the right , against the outer wall , was a waist height , natural gas , open fireplace complete with a large black cauldron and a brick hearth , the chimney connecting it seamlessly with the wood fireplace in the living room above . Large , heavy , wood countertops framed the kitchen which had a double sink , a large side by side fridge and freezer , and a five burner natural gas stove . To the left was a large living room with bookshelves lining the windowless walls , broken only by a flat screen TV in the corner and a low alter that faced the north wall . The living room had a deeply pillowed chocolate brown couch with comfy red throw pillows and a blanket hanging over the back , perfect for cuddling up in . A wooden chest - type coffee table sat on a large , plush area rug swirled in shades of beige , brown , and red , complementing the dark hardwood floors that went from wall to wall , adding warmth where the few visible concrete walls were cold . Separating the living room from the bedroom was a floor to ceiling , heavy rust - red and brown colored curtain that hung even with the staircase forming a wall and hiding two more support columns for the floor above . I watched as Mateo stepped into the gap in the curtain that made up the doorway to the bedroom . My queen - sized distressed wood bed was centered against the right wall and had nightstands on either side . The down duvet continued the earth - toned theme in the living room and had brilliant red flowers embroidered across it that matched more small red accent pillows . I had hung rods on chains from the ceiling against the walls to hold all my clothes with custom - built drawers and shoe cubbies underneath . The only real walls providing the necessary support for the floor above enclosed a large luxurious bathroom that took up the remaining quarter of the space and was accessed through a door to the left of my bedroom . It had a corner soaker tub , a large steam shower , toilet , linen closet , and vanity complete with sink . The walls were a soft white , and the floor was done in large , natural beige stone . Instead of the continuing the color theme of red and brown , I had really given in to my love of bright happy colors and the towels and bathmats were vibrant shades of turquoise and lime green . I smirked . " Wait . There 's more . " I walked over to the last bit of counter space separating the living room from the kitchen . I opened the cupboard and gestured inside , where it was deeper and darker than it should have been for a simple cupboard . " This tunnel leads to the porch at the front door of the house . It 's a tight squeeze , but if I have to escape from down here , I can . " If he was going to stay here with someone out there still hunting me , he needed to know the escape routes . And if I was being honest with myself , I was excited to have someone to show my house off to . I got up and led him back into my bedroom . I went to the far right corner to the space between my nightstand and the wall that was covered by hanging clothes . I pushed them back and pulled a drawer all the way out , exposing another tunnel . " This one goes out under the back porch and branches out into three separate possible exits . The right tunnel comes out of the work bench in the garage . The center tunnel leads to a hidden tree - cave in the park behind the house , and the left tunnel leads to a shed in my neighbor 's yard . " I looked down at him as I replaced the drawer . Mateo looked as impressed as a cat can look . I limped my way back to the kitchen ; I was famished . First - aid could wait a little longer . " Can I get you something to eat or drink ? " I looked in the fridge and started to pull out the makings for a sandwich . " I am rather hungry and some water if you don 't mind . " He jumped up to sit on one of the bar stools around the island . " So did you build all this with magick ? I 'm assuming it wasn 't part of the original plans for the house , " he remarked dryly . I made myself a ham sandwich and poured a big glass of milk from the fridge . " Actually , the basement was already here . When I redid the floors upstairs , I lowered everything down through a large hole . It took me months , but I did all the work myself . The hardest part was connecting the two fireplaces and the gas lines for the stove . Of course , plumbing in the bathroom was no piece of cake either . " I put a plate of sliced up ham and turkey deli meat in front of him and a bowl of water after questioning him with a lift of my eyebrows . " I used a bit of magick for the tunnels . It took me a long time to work out how to do it , and I was exhausted afterward , but I didn 't want to be trapped down here no matter how well hidden it is . That 's why I took out most of the walls for support beams and columns , " I said , gesturing to the open floor plan . " If I have to run , there isn 't too much in my way . As for the plans at City Hall , well let 's just say that now they only show the upper floors and leave it at that . " I smirked . He chuckled and we sat and ate in companionable silence . The events of the last couple of days started to catch up with me . I finished up and put our plates in the sink , resolving to wash them later . I put the bowl of water on the floor under the stairs so Mateo could get some later if he needed it . I turned to look at him seriously . " So I know we have a lot to talk about , but I really need some sleep . I 've trusted you with more of my life than I have evertrusted anyone , so I really hope that I haven 't made a mistake . " I felt my brows furrow . " Well , " I hesitated . I really did trust him , although I had no idea why . " I guess we can talk about everything later . Make yourself at home . " I turned and went to grab some pajamas before making my way to the bathroom . I carefully closed the door and then turned to face the damage in the mirror . I took in the tired and blood smeared face in front of me ; I looked like hell . As Mateo had said , the cut on my neck wasn 't serious and wouldn 't need stitches . I stripped off my dirty shirts and assessed my other injuries . The left side of my body was the worst . My left shoulder and bicep were turning a nasty shade of purple and black , and the back of my hand was scratched up . I painfully pulled off my now torn capris , having to peal the blood soaked fabric from my left knee which was scraped and covered in crusted blood and dirt . My left wrist hurt the worst , but I didn 't think it was broken . The palm of my right hand that had stopped me from hitting my head was missing several layers of skin and had gravel embedded in it . I took the shortest , hottest shower I could stand , needing sleep so badly the blue and green glass tiles on the walls blurred together to look like a hallucination induced caricature of the sea . I worried that I would fall asleep under the streaming water . I washed the blood , sweat , dirt , and the fingerprints of my attackers off me and then turned off the shower , swaying on my feet from fatigue . I toweled off quickly , put some comfy clean pajamas on , and padded to my bed for some much needed rest when a thought occurred to me . " Mateo ? " I called out . This blog will be for book reviews of books I have read . As well as lots of Book Tours . I do accept Author Request for review , but am 3 months out on the list . I only read Paranormal / Dark Fantasy / Fantasy / Sci - fi / Paranormal Romance , really anything that has some supernatural in it . Also I do like many Dystopian books too . I read YA . New Adult , and Clean Adult books ( NO Erotica ) . 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Hey Queendalers ! So if you guessed " Hawks " you guessed right ! I couldn 't resist using our loveable mascot as a code word ! Next week 's code will be a pretty easy one as well , in honor of it being my final post . But we will get to that later . Onto the post ! So since Sarah and Ricky rescued Evanglina from Jake and Henria , Ricky has been spending a lot of time with her . It 's almost as if they are trying to make up for eighteen lost years in just a month ! I spotted them Thursday afternoon hanging out at McDoogles . They had a nice lunch of burgers and fries and then played some of the arcade games . I even caught them playing a game of foosball at one of the tables in the back . Man , it has been so long since I have played that game . I used to love playing it as a kid . Evanglina then let go of the table . " No I don 't , " she said , a bit too loudly , causing people to stare . She then turned and walked out the door with Ricky following behind her . Ricky smiled . " It 's okay . I understand . I shouldn 't have pushed you . I guess I just wanted to know how you were feeling . This whole situation is - " " Crazy , " Evanglina finished . She then exhaled sharply . " I just wish she had been honest with all of us a long time ago . Then things wouldn 't be like this . I 'm just so confused and I don 't know how to feel . " " See , that 's what I don 't get , " Evanglina then said , shaking her head . " My mother lied to you . She lied to you ! She didn 't tell you that you were my father and hid it for eighteen years , and she was going to keep hiding it if Aunt Sarah didn 't find out the truth . Why aren 't you angry with her ? How can you just forgive her and want me to talk to her ? " Ricky looked at Evanglina quietly for a minute and then sighed . " I am angry , Evanglina , very , but it won 't change anything . What happened , happened and as much as I hate it , I may have been part to blame for why she lied in the first place . " " Yes , that . I didn 't deal with the situation very well ; neither of us did , and we really hurt your mother in the process . I 'm not saying all this was okay , but I do see where she might have been coming from . I think she has been carrying what happened between us for all these years . " Evanglina lifted her shoulders . " Fine . Maybe you 're right . But what about Jake ? Ever since she started dating him , she has been all about him and never about me . " " She has taken his word over mine so many times that I have lost count ! Every time I tried to tell her about something that he did to me , she would never believe me ! Every time he slapped me , cursed at me or even threatened me , she never listened . He even beat me up in front of her twice and she just watched ! " Evanglina shook her head . " All that I have gone through because of her , I can 't forgive . " " It always amazes me when you talk about it . It makes me so angry that you had to go through all that . I wish I could have been there for you . " " I 'm not trying to defend her . I 'm not even asking you to forgive her . I just think you should talk to her . Maybe she wouldn 't be hounding you so much if you told her what you just told me . " Evanglina stared at him for a moment in silence and then nodded . " Maybe you 're right , " she said . " I just don 't know if I am ready to . " After leaving McDoogles , they both head to the beach and skip some stones into the ocean . Ricky has a long arm and is able to get his stone to skip several times before it drops underwater . I have tried to do that so many times , but I can only get mine to skip twice . They then take a dip in the ocean , splashing around in the water . The sky starts to darken , but they both didn 't seem to care . I can 't help but feel happy for her . Evanglina finally has the family she has always wanted . In other news , Claude and Emilie have been spending a lot of time together . I have been seeing an awful lot of them around town . I guess with him leaving , Emilie wanted to get as much time with him as possible . The day before he left , I saw them hanging together at Marcelle Park . They stay like that for almost thirty minutes and even shared a few passionate kisses before leaving . I think it helped that the park happened to be empty that day . Not that I think either of them would have cared all that much . Claude grinned . " Especially then . I want to hear all about how things are at Columbia . I 'm so happy you got accepted . I know how much you wanted to go there . " Emilie 's cheeks reddened . " Thanks , and I am happy for you for getting into the University of Cambridge . I want to hear all about that too . " They then pull in for a kiss and spend the next few minutes doing so in the warm summer breeze . They seem almost lost in each other and I am starting to feel like a hidden third wheel . Not that I haven 't felt this way many times before . Then with a final hug and kiss , Claude took off , leaving Emilie standing in front of the gate watching after him . My heart breaks for her . I can 't imagine gaining my first boyfriend and then having him leave me to return home . Another reason why I don 't do long distance . So that makes the end of this week 's posts . I can 't believe it , but next week will be my last post as Lexie . It 's crazy how time flies . That said , keep up with your guesses , because in just a week you may just know who Lexie really is . Hey Queendalers ! Code word for this week , is " calendar . " I thought it was fitting considering how fast time has been flying by . In just a month , school will be out for the summer ! Life is crazy , huh ? Well I won 't waste any time with my personal rambling . Let 's get right to it ! So Henrietta was spotted at " The Maxwell " earlier this week . She was having lunch with a friend , one I can only assume was from work . Henrietta has now turned from her life as a lady of leisure and to become a receptionist at one of the local salons . And from the conversation she was having , she wasn 't too happy about it . " And that woman wouldn 't know a brush if it hit her in the face , " Henrietta was saying about a customer . " I 'm telling you Lisa , the most outrageous people show up at the salon . I don 't know how you have put up with it all these years . " Lisa rolled her eyes . " Tell me about it . I swear , some people shouldn 't even be allowed in there . I have to fix her split ends and her horribly frizzy up do , and she has the nerve to give me attitude ? They are the worst . " Henrietta nodded . " She 's even said that . Nonetheless , Luke is her real father and he wants a relationship with her . He won 't stop until he forms one . He feels like he has been robbed of a life with her . " " That and you helped get me a job after the divorce . " Henrietta sighed again . " The way Damien is going , I 'm going to end up with nothing in the divorce settlement . He 's basically making it seem like I just married him for his money . " " Didn 't you also claim you married Luke for that reason ? What made you two divorce ? Wasn 't it because he went bankrupt ? " When Henrietta gave her a dirty look , Lisa chuckled . " Okay , all right . I 'll stop . I am on your side . It 's just you are in a pretty sticky situation . " " Well , Derek seems to be leaning toward Bridgeport University , but Damien really wants him to go to his Alma Mater , University of Columbia Heights . Angel on the other hand , I don 't know . She hasn 't heard back from any of her schools yet , and she doesn 't really seem to care too much . " Henrietta looked away . " I am a bit worried about her . " Lisa grinned . " I think Angel is just trying to find herself . With everything going on with her , it 's not a surprise to me that she would be confused . I 'm sure she will figure things out in time . " " I know . And I 'll bet she knows it too . She just needs some time . " Lisa then clasped her hands together . " Now let 's order . I 'm famished . " They then turn back to their menus and begin to order . I still can 't believe Henrietta has a job . Granted , it is a job that totally suits her , but still . I never thought I would see the day that Henrietta would have to work . Karma 's a witch , isn 't it ? Speaking of Angel , I spotted her later that evening at the club owned by Damien . She was there with Claire and they seemed pretty down . I am not too surprised since they have been that way since Prom . I 'll bet it is the first time that both of them have lost the guys they were dating . They won 't stop talking about it ! Upon arriving they headed straight to the Karaoke booth and started singing ( well , screeching ) song after song . And I mean from Paula Deana 's hits to oldies , like the spice girls . It was crazy and extremely obnoxious . Not that anyone said a word . I think they all knew who Angel and Claire 's parents were . After thirty minutes had passed , the room started to empty . I think people had heard enough of their squawking and needed some peace . I even felt like I was losing my mind . " Tell me about it . " Angel flipped a strand of her hair over her shoulder . " My mom won 't stop bugging me about school , and , well … Luke . " " He 's not my dad . Well , he is , but - " Angel broke off and sighed . " I don 't know , the whole thing is kind of confusing to me right now . I 'm just not ready to talk to him yet . " " I can 't blame you . I don 't know how I would feel if I found out my dad wasn 't my real dad . I don 't know how you 've been able to deal with it . " Claire shrugged . " Hey , you were in a bad place that night . I just wish Claude had been gentleman enough to take you home . I can 't believe he just left you there like that . What a jerk . " " Ugh , that freak . " Claire rolled her eyes . " I don 't even know what he sees in her . Have you been seeing the two of them lately ? They 've been all lovey dovey and gross . " " I know ! " Angel shivered . " It 's almost as bad as Paul and Kara . I totally caught them making out in the park this week . " She makes a gagging motion with her finger and tongue . " Tell me about it . I 'd say it has been that way since the Marsens moved in last year . Not to mention when Adam started dating Maria . " " Don 't even bring that up , " Claire said shaking her head . " I have been trying to get Adam to just let her go , but he refuses to . I just hope he goes to Duke University so he can be away from her . " " Yah , but I 've decided not to go . I accepted the offer to Cleveland University instead . That said , I kind of have other plans for after graduation . What about you ? Have you gotten accepted anywhere ? " Angel looked down at her plate in silence . " No . I 've actually been rejected from all the schools I applied to . I haven 't told my mom about it , I just said that I hadn 't received all my letters yet . I don 't know how to tell her . " Angel nodded . " I know , I just don 't know how . Honestly , I don 't really think I am ready to go to college . I feel like I just want to go out and explore the world for a bit first . If I went , I wouldn 't even know what to study or anything . I just don 't think it is right for me . " " So , I talked to my mom about me taking some time off before going to Cleveland University . I managed to delay my acceptance to them for a quarter and I talked my mom into letting me go stay with my aunt in France . Maybe if you talked to your mom , you could come with me ! Can you imagine the adventures we would have in Paris ? " " Of course ! Besides , it would be fun to have you along . It was going to be a bit lonely going by myself since both of my cousins are going to a university in Barcelona . If you come with me , it could be us against Paris . " Angel grinned . " I 'll talk to my mom . And you know , she just might agree to it . It beats me siting around and looking pitiful until next year rolls around . " " I hear you . " Claire then glanced over her shoulder and seemed to finally spot Charlotte singing her rendition of " Blame It On The Weatherman , " by B * witched . " We should go . Charlotte is getting a bit carried away . " Charlotte had taken off with the song and was even hitting high notes . The audience that had left from Claire and Angel 's screeching , had returned and were cheering her on . I am sure going to miss having Charlotte around when school ends . She really has given Angel and Claire a run for their money . Well , minus them using her to break up Adam and Maria , and attempting to do the same with Evanglina and Derek . " I can 't believe Jake did all those things to you . " Derek shook his head , and cursed under his breath . " He 's disgusting . " " No argument here , " Evanglina said in agreement . " I was so relieved when Aunt Sarah showed up with Ricky . I 'm just so happy to be out of there . Things have been so much better . It was so stupid of me not to say anything . I should have listened to you . " Evanglina exhaled deeply . " I know she was probably high on those drugs Jake uses , but still . She just stood and watched ! And that 's not all . She has always chosen Jake over me . I 'm just so angry with her . " Evanglina smiled . " You have . You 've been helping me since all this started . I never had the courage to stand up to Jake before I met you . " " Mine too , " said Evanglina . She then leaned over to touch something in the car and after , music began to emit from the speakers . Ironically , it was Paula Deana 's romantic hit song , " Without You . " " Can you believe that in just a month we won 't be high schoolers anymore ? " " I know , it 's crazy . " Derek shook his head . " I used to feel like high school would never end . Now , I don 't know if I want it to . " Evanglina looked surprised when he said that . " You 're going to Bridgeport University ? I thought your dad wanted you to go to University of Columbia Heights ? " " I 'm not . I 've always wanted to go to Bridgeport University . I 've spent so much time in Queendale that it would be nice to go somewhere different for a change . " " That 's true . I 've been mostly everywhere , but the big city . It will be a nice change . " Evanglina looked upward once again . " To be honest , I 've always seen it in my future . Me graduating from a college in the city and then starting a life there . " Evanglina looked surprised . " You mean , like married ? " When Derek nodded , Evanglina grinned . " I don 't know … maybe . Life is crazy though . " " So , you don 't see it ? " Derek looked a little disappointed , and I couldn 't blame him . She kind of rejected the idea a bit . Evanglina shook her head . " I didn 't say that . I just think we 're still so young ! " She then laughed . " That said , I think that if you and I make it through our four years of college together , then yes . I can definitely see it . " It 's then that I decided to take my leave and give them a bit of privacy , but not before snapping another pic of them . They are so adorable ! I still can 't believe they were cheated from Prom King and Queen ! Although , at this point the whole school pretty much knows that Angel bribed Greg Jensen . I 'm surprised that the principle hasn 't asked her to give her crown up . He is totally the type to do that ! Not that Angel would give it up willingly . After everything she has been going through , that crown is probably her one piece of salvation ! Well , that 's it for this week . Only a few posts left , and that means only a few posts left to guess who I am . Yes , you guessed it , I am a Queendale graduate this year ! So time is running out for you , my dearies ! Keep guessing , and I will be revealing my identity in my last post ! Guess correctly and you may just get a shout out ! More soon ! ( Hey my readers ! Thank you so much for reading my story ! There are only a few posts left of Kisses , Lexie , so stay tuned ! Has anyone figured out Lexie 's identity yet ? Leave your guesses in the comments ! More soon ! 😉 ) Hey Queendalers ! If you guessed " sleeping bag " , you got it ! So this week was a slow one . With all the seniors worrying about graduation and getting all their credits , there is no trouble for drama . Well , for the most part . So , Track season has come to a close . That said , Paul has still been practicing his skills , including soccer and basketball . I spotted him practicing with Emily at the park Thursday afternoon . Let me tell you , she was not so bad herself ! She put up a good game , kicking the ball with all her might into the net . Even with all Paul 's training , she gave him quite a workout . Still , she was no match for Paul and his superb goalie skills . He blocked every single one of Emilie 's balls despite her powerful force of kicks . Somehow , I think he will do just fine at either Bridgeport University or Alfred State with soccer . Unfortunately , it started to rain forty minutes later , ruining their fun . And it was coming down pretty hard . The two of them both then packed up their things and headed out . I however , would have stuck around if I was them . There is nothing like playing soccer in the rain . I love it ! Sure , you might slip and slide along the mud , but that 's more of the fun ! Emilie and Paul weren 't the only ones having fun this week . I spotted Evanglina and Ricky driving along this weekend together . It would seem that Evanglina has finally managed to get her permit and is working with Ricky to get her license ! Better now than never ! I 'm sure you are wondering how she has been doing since the whole fiasco last weekend . Well , Evanglina is now back at school and seems to be doing better . She still has some scars on her neck and face left from Jake 's abuse , but other than that , she seems to be okay . She does seem a little quieter and more guarded than usual , but who can blame her ? I can 't imagine dealing with what she has had to deal with for the past two years or more ! At least there is now a bit of happiness for her . I also saw her at the park again , strumming on her guitar along with Maria . The two of them are really on about this starting a band thing . They have even given themselves a name , " Evarie , " by putting their names together . And trust me , they are not bad . Their performance at the Prom has sparked a lot of attention and from what I 've heard , someone has posted a video of it online on " Youbook " , the social media Queendale teens are addicted to . The video has almost 250 , 000 views which is pretty good for Queendale and the state . These girls might be going places ! Although , I was a bit surprised to see they were watching the FearNet station . Funny , they didn 't even seem that scared . I would have been terrified out of my mind ! They show the creepiest movies on there , but there were the four of them laughing while watching ! Crazy ! The night then ended with a nice soak in the hot tub out back in the Emerson 's backyard . All four of them were laughing and seeming to be having a good time . Even Evanglina seemed to be enjoying herself . Maria shook her head . " I just can 't talk to him right now . I feel like my emotions are all over the place . On one side , I am still so angry that I can 't even think straight and then on the other side , I just miss him so much . " " Don 't Eva , " Kara said shaking her head . " You had to leave . You couldn 't stay in an environment like that . It was bad for you . I mean , look what Jake did to you ! " " Your mom is hurt now , but she caused this . She shouldn 't have let Jake do all that to you . I think right now you need to focus on you . " After soaking , they started to head inside , but then Evanglina said she had a spooky story to tell . They all then gathered on the ground and she began telling them a ghost story . As she told the story , they all got so into it , that they started jerking and pulling away as if Evanglina was the one doing all the killing in the story ! The four of them then headed inside . It is amazing how so much has changed , but the four of them have still managed to be good friends . Go figure . Hey Queendalers ! So I am sure you are all wondering exactly what is going on with the Marsens since last week 's post . Well , I actually do have some news , for those of you who don 't yet know . Here we go ! So as you know , Evanglina hasn 't really been in school the past week . While everyone figured that she was just sick ( and there may have been some truth to that ) , it would seem that she was at home because Jake and Henria were keeping her there . And of course , it only got worse after Kara told Evanglina about the possibility of Ricky being her father . Since that night that Jake dragged her upstairs to her room , Evanglina has not been seen out of the house . I 'm serious ! It 's like she disappeared . Kara and Derek have tried to see her a few times , but Henria always yells at them to leave and Jake slams the door in their faces . It is pretty obvious that they are basically keeping her trapped there , something that it would seem Sarah came to notice . After almost a week had passed , she made her way over to talk to Henria . It was Thursday afternoon to be exact . Henria didn 't want to let her in , but Sarah would not take no for an answer . She pushed her way through the door and into the house . " What do you want Sarah ? " Henria said rolling her eyes . Her face looked like she hadn 't slept in days . What on Earth was she taking ? " I came to see Evanglina , " said Sarah . " Kara said she hasn 't been in school for almost two weeks . She said she came over last week and snuck in to see her , but since then you haven 't been letting anyone in . So , I decided to come over to see for myself . " Henria scoffed . " I don 't know , and I really don 't care . Whatever the case , you wasted a trip . Evanglina isn 't having any visitors , so you can just go . " " Listen Henria , " Sarah snapped . " I am not going anywhere until I see Evanglina . I don 't care if she is contagious or whatever you say . I want to see her . Now . " Henria glared at her . " Excuse me , but this is my house and Evanglina is my daughter . You can 't just barge in here and order me around ! " " No ! " Sarah yelled . " You aren 't getting rid of me this time . I want to see her . Besides , the test results come back today . " Henria 's eyes widened . " W - what ? H - how are you running a test ? I have not given you permission nor have I given you any sample of Evanglina 's DNA ! " Sarah sighed . " I just want the truth Henria , and so does Ricky . " Just as she said this , a car pulled up and then Ricky emerged from the front door . " Looks like Ricky is here , " she said . " So it wasn 't some magical DNA . She got it off Evanglina 's used latte cup , from when she took her and Kara shopping . And I received the results right before I came here . " He pauses to take a deep breath . " Henria … I 'm her father . " I honestly wonder what reaction Ricky was hoping for . Maybe shock ? Surprise ? Horror ? I don 't know , but it was not what he got . After those words left his lips , she just stood there staring at him . " And how could I ? What with you screwing my sister back at home ! You chose her over us ! So Evanglina and I had to move on with our lives ! " " What do you mean us ? I didn 't even know you were pregnant ! You left town and never told me ! I would have never abandoned Evanglina ! " It 's amazing how this has turned into a shouting match . If anyone had been jogging by or even biking , they would have been able to hear their whole conversation . It was that loud , and also , the window happened to be open . " Well , I 'm sorry , but you can 't decide that anymore , Henria , " he said finally . " Evanglina is eighteen years old now , and she 's my daughter too . So that means I have just as much right as you do . " Henria scoffed . " Oh please , you haven 't even been a part of her life . In a custody hearing you wouldn 't have any say . " " Are you kidding ? " Ricky raised his eyebrows , " If we were negotiating for custody , you would be at a serious loss ! For goodness sakes , you are engaged to a man that allegedly imports drugs ! He is on the police station 's watch list ! " Henria sighed . " Ricky just came over to tell me how he and Sarah had my daughter tested to see if he is her father . Apparently , the test came back positive for a match . " Meanwhile , Jake just laughed . " That little b * * * * ( censoring ) doesn 't deserve to be called anything other than what she is . A dirty , little rotten slut . " Only Jake didn 't take that too well . He gritted his teeth and then tackled Ricky ! The two of them then went rolling onto the floor . Henria just stood above them watching in surprise and awe . The fight went on for a while with each of them struggling against each other . There is then a loud crashing sound and I can 't tell whether it was caused by them or from something upstairs . Ricky 's face looked totally furious while Jake had that killer look in his eyes . Scary ! Finally , they both pulled apart panting . At that same time , Evanglina and Sarah emerged from upstairs . Evanglina looked horrible and terribly weak as she followed behind her . Her face was sunken like she hasn 't slept in days , and there was still a bruise on her cheek from where Jake had backhanded her ; not to mention a few on her neck . " I got her out of her room , " Sarah interrupted . " The door was locked , so I had to break in to get her out . " She gave Henria a dirty look . " She was handcuffed to her bed . " Jake smirked . " Hey , some kids need harsher punishments for the message to sink in . Evanglina happens to be one of them . Only problem , she doesn 't seem to learn her lesson , as you can see . " " How dare you ! " Ricky made a move toward Jake , but he was too quick . Jake lunged at him and then the two them go at it again ! " We aren 't ! Evanglina wants to come with us , which I think is an excellent decision considering what is happening to her here ! Also , she is eighteen years old ! She can move out ! And you forcing her to stay here against her will , is basically kidnapping ! " " You don 't have a choice ! " Sarah said , and then sighed . " Ricky and I are walking out of here with Evanglina and if you try to stop us , I will call the police . " Evanglina just took one look at Henria and the house before turning away . Henria then stood by the doorsteps and watched Sarah 's car drive away before bursting into tears . I want to feel sorry for her , but I can 't . I am just too happy that finally Evanglina is out of that chaos . As Ricky and Sarah drove off into the distance , I couldn 't help but feel extremely relieved . I had been on the verge of blowing my cover to help Evanglina out . Luckily , I didn 't have to . Maybe just maybe , things might get better for that girl . One can hope . Well , that is it for this week . The weeks are dwindling down and summer is almost on us . Also , graduation is right around the corner ! Soon high school will be behind us . Let 's have a toast to bigger and better things in life . More soon my dearies ! Hey my Queendalers ! So last week 's code was a little weird , but some of you were still able to guess it , " butterfly . " Still , some of you did struggle with it , so I will leave the code for one more week for those of you that could not guess it . Well , this week 's post is a bit jam packed , so let me get started ! First of all , I spotted Angel and Claire at Feng Shui Fusion on Friday night . They were perched on stools while enjoying plates of sushi . Claire was going on about her irritation with the events of prom night . " I cannot believe that he ditched me for Kara , " she said , shaking her head . " I mean , its Kara ! I can 't believe he left me for that piece of trash . " " You 're complaining , " Angel gave her a look , " What about Claude ? He basically made me look like some pathetic loser ! Telling me that he had no interest in me romantically ? He basically " friend - zoned " me ! " ( Oh yes he did ! It was absolutely beautiful . ) " And on top of that , he also ditched me for Emilie ! That science geek ! " Angel rolled her eyes . " So , I think I had it a bit worse than you . " " I didn 't say she didn 't . " Angel sighed . " I 'm just saying maybe you shouldn 't have fought with her at the dance . You know how strict the principle was being about fights . " " Hey , no worries , " Angel then said . " This fall we will be in college and get to be around hot college guys . We won 't have to bother ourselves with these stupid high school guys anymore . " " Well , I heard back from Bridgeport University and Duke . They apparently both accepted me . I was a bit surprised about Duke . I got an interview and I didn 't think it went well . I guess there was something about me they liked . " Claire glared at him . " I dropped her off at home on my way home from school . Besides , I uninvited her . This dinner is just for Angel and I . " Claude stared at her for a moment in silence before responding . " To what are you implying ? I don 't believe I have ever messed with you . " Claude raised his eyebrows in realization . " Oh that . I was not messing with Angel . I simply told her that she had the wrong idea about us . We were just friends , but she had mistakenly thought we were more . " " That wasn 't her fault ! You asked her to the prom ! That is asking her out ! You are the one that suddenly changed your mind and wanted to be with , Emilie . " Still Claude pays her no mind . " Look , I didn 't come to argue with you . If Charlotte is at home like you say , I will just go and see her there . " He then turns and leaves , ignoring her loud comment about him being an " asswhole , " as he walks out . I swear , sometimes I wonder if Angel or Claire have any class left in their bodies . Not that they had much to begin with . In other news , I am sure you are wondering what has been going on with Evanglina since everything on the morning after prom night . Literally everyone is wondering that . No one has really seen much of Evanglina for the past week . I don 't think she has even been at school . Maybe she was sick ? Well , I found out the true reason that Friday afternoon . Kara , who had been trying to get into the Marsen house , was finally able to do so when Jake temporarily stepped outside for a few minutes to smoke ( yes , you know what ) . Kara crept in through the back door quietly and found Evanglina cleaning the kitchen . " Hey , what 's up ? " she said , walking over to her . " I haven 't really seen much of you in the past week . Is everything okay ? " It looked like Kara wasn 't buying it either . " Are you sure ? It 's not like you to miss four whole days of school . Not even for being sick . Then again , Monday you didn 't look too good . " Evanglina sighed . " I 'm sorry , my mom 's just really angry about prom night . I slept over at Derek 's house and she is really mad about it . They both are . " " I - I don 't . I - I just don 't want any more problems right now , " Evanglina said . Her voice sounded a little strained . Kara still looked worried , but she moved on . " Well , I came to tell you something . I 've actually been trying to get a hold of you so I could talk to you about it . " " So I heard my mother talking the other day about you and Ricky . It was so weird . She was on the phone with someone and she said something about them needing to hurry with some type of test results . " Kara nodded . " Yes . She was really annoyed about it too . She said that she had asked them to put a rush on it , because Ricky needed to know sooner rather than later . It seemed really important to her . " " I thought so too , but then I started thinking about back when I was talking to Ricky and I said that you and him looked alike . Well , he told me that my mom seemed to really think so and was obsessing over it . Now , he 's been talking about it a lot too . " Kara shrugged . " I know , it sounds crazy , but I really think she believes it ! And I 'll bet that those test results are to prove it . " " Your father . And honestly ? I think Ricky does so too . " Kara then smiled . " It 's weird to think about , right ? That said , it would explain why your mom hates the fact that he is married to my mom . Especially , if she has known all this time . " " My mom probably doesn 't know . She couldn 't . That would mean that she would have kept me from him for all these years . She may have problems , but she wouldn 't do that to me . Right ? " Kara jumped . " I should go ! I don 't want to get you in anymore trouble . Call me , me okay ? And call Derek . He 's really worried about you . " She then slipped out through the back door . Okay , now here is where things got crazy . Henria , as it turns out , was at home the whole time ! She was upstairs and after Kara left , she came slowly down the stairs . Jake coughing a bit from his joint , came walking in through the front door . " I thought we told you that you weren 't allowed any friends over ! Jakes bellowed . " Wow ! You think you can just do whatever you damn well please , don 't you ? " " No I don 't ! " Evanglina cried in frustration . " I didn 't invite her over ! She just came over because she wanted to tell me that Sarah was having some test being run . Something with me and Ricky . " " It 's a lie ! " Henria snapped . " Sarah doesn 't know what she 's talking about ! She 's crazy and making things up ! " " Look at what you 're doing ! " Jake said , glaring at Evanglina . " You 're upsetting your mother ! All for the stupid lie your slut aunt is telling . What an ungrateful waste of space ! " After he says this , Evanglina stared at him for a moment in shock . " I can 't believe you said that . " She then looked at Henria . " Mom ? Aren 't you going to say something ? " Evanglina shook her head . " You know what ? I can 't take this anymore ! I have put up with all this long enough ! I thought I could handle it until graduation , but I can 't ! I have had it ! I 'm moving out ! " " RICKY IS NOT YOUR FATHER ! " Henria screamed . She was on the verge of being hysterical . " HE is not a part of our family ! HE is with Sarah ! Not us ! So just let it go ! " And like usual , just as Evanglina finished saying this , Jake stepped forward and backhanded her hard across the face . Only this time , even I could see that he left a mark . I then noticed that he was wearing some type of ring on his finger and it totally scraped her face during the hit . There was a long gash on Evanglina 's cheek and blood was starting to seep through . But Jake didn 't stop there . He slapped Evanglina several more times and when she fell , he began to kick her body roughly . I literally watched in horror as Jake beat Evanglina up and her mother just stood watching without lifting a finger to help her . Seriously ! She just stood there watching like her mind was somewhere else . I was on the verge of calling the police , when Jake finally stopped . " I told you that you hadn 't seen anything yet , " Jake sneered . " And if you ever talk like that to your mother again , I can do much , much worse . Keep going and you might just not be able to use those legs for a while . " He then grabbed Evanglina by the arm and pulled her up the stairs . You could hear Evanglina 's screams and shouts as he dragged her up the staircase while yelling , " Shut up or I 'll give you something to shout about ! " Then silence when her bedroom door closed loudly . Now I have to say , I am left in a position of confusion . On one hand , I am just a blogger who reports what I see and remains out of the conflicts , but what if I see something that is serious ? What then ? Do I get involved and do something about it ? Or do I watch for the situation to play out ? Well , for now , I will be keeping a close eye on the Marsens as I figure out how to approach this . Meanwhile , please feel free to forward this to anyone you think can help . Violence should never be tolerated , especially not from parents to children . And from the way things are going , Evanglina is going to need all the help she can get to get out of this situation . Hey Queendalers ! If you guessed " gummy bear , " you got it right ! I thought I would do a fun code for this week . I cannot believe how fast the months have gone . In just a month , the seniors will be graduating ! Time sure flies ! Well onto the post ! I am sure you are all wondering what happened with Evanglina and Derek after she went home with him prom night . Well , let me tell you , she didn 't leave until the next morning ! Seriously ! I spotted her hurrying out of Derek 's house the very next morning looking very rattled . " Hey , it was an accident , " said Derek . " We just kind of fell asleep . " I feel a bit disappointed that just like last year nothing exciting happened . Again , too many Fabio covered novels . I have never seen someone petal so fast to get home . It was like she flew and trust me , that dress did not hold her back one bit ! She then jumped off the bike and hurried into her house . Unfortunately , Evanglina was not lucky enough to be able to sneak back in . Henria was waiting for her when she came in through the door . You could hear her voice even from outside . " Mom ! Listen to me ! " Evanglina practically had to yell . " We had just come back from prom and Derek asked me back inside , so I - " " So you went in with him ? ! " Henria looked incredulous . " How could you be so irresponsible ! A child like you going over to sleep at boys ' houses in the night ! " Jake gritted his teeth and then slapped Evanglina right across the face . " You ungrateful little twit ! " He yelled . " After all I have done for you ! Giving you a roof over your head ? You think you can talk to me like that ? You go around whoring yourself to men in the night and then come home and insult your mother ? " " Just shut up ! " Jake yelled . " Just shut the fu * * up ! I am sick of your attitude and your stupid excuses ! You are never seeing that boy again ! Do you hear me ? ! Now get the fu * * upstairs ! NOW ! " Evanglina looked at her mother like she was waiting for her to say something , but she didn 't say a word . She just stood watching in silence . Evanglina then burst into tears and ran up to room , with Henria and Jake yelling up the stairs after her . Goodness , the things that poor girl has to deal with . It makes you wonder what is going on with Ricky and the results . He hadn 't been back in past week . Could it be that Sarah had been wrong ? That Ricky wasn 't Evanglina 's father ? I guess time will tell . In other news , I saw Paul and Brian Nelson downtown together later in the afternoon . They were taking a stroll along the sidewalk , something that I hadn 't ever really seen Paul and Brian do . But nearing them , I realized why . They were having quite a serious conversation . Paul shrugged . " Yah , it has , but that 's life . I figured things were kind of headed in that direction by the way you and mom were acting . Still , I did hope you two could work through it . " Brian sighed . " So did I . But sometimes there are just some things you can 't get past . Learn from my mistakes , son . You find someone you love and know is the one , do not squander it or take it for granted . You never know if you will get another chance . " Afterwards , their conversation became a bit more cheerful . Brian asked how school was going and Paul said it was going well . He also told him how thrilled he was of being accepted at Bridgeport University and Alfred State . He just couldn 't decide between the two . " Don 't go to a school just because of a girl , son . Make sure you are there because you really want to be there . If not and you two don 't stay together , the situation gets messy . Besides , Bridgeport University and Alfred State are only an hour from each other or less . Either way , you two will still be able to see each other . " That Paul couldn 't argue with . Which gets me thinking . With all these couples still in high school , it is so easy , but when they all move to college settings , will they all be able to last ? Well , that 's it for this week . We are winding down to the final weeks of the year and you all are still up with your guessing of who I am . Good guesses and I think one of you might have figured it out … Also , I have noticed that more people are starting to follow my blog , funny , as it is coming to an end . It 's only a matter of time before it spreads to certain people … More soon ! |
Hey Queendalers ! So if you guessed " Hawks " you guessed right ! I couldn 't resist using our loveable mascot as a code word ! Next week 's code will be a pretty easy one as well , in honor of it being my final post . But we will get to that later . Onto the post ! So since Sarah and Ricky rescued Evanglina from Jake and Henria , Ricky has been spending a lot of time with her . It 's almost as if they are trying to make up for eighteen lost years in just a month ! I spotted them Thursday afternoon hanging out at McDoogles . They had a nice lunch of burgers and fries and then played some of the arcade games . I even caught them playing a game of foosball at one of the tables in the back . Man , it has been so long since I have played that game . I used to love playing it as a kid . Evanglina then let go of the table . " No I don 't , " she said , a bit too loudly , causing people to stare . She then turned and walked out the door with Ricky following behind her . Ricky smiled . " It 's okay . I understand . I shouldn 't have pushed you . I guess I just wanted to know how you were feeling . This whole situation is - " " Crazy , " Evanglina finished . She then exhaled sharply . " I just wish she had been honest with all of us a long time ago . Then things wouldn 't be like this . I 'm just so confused and I don 't know how to feel . " " See , that 's what I don 't get , " Evanglina then said , shaking her head . " My mother lied to you . She lied to you ! She didn 't tell you that you were my father and hid it for eighteen years , and she was going to keep hiding it if Aunt Sarah didn 't find out the truth . Why aren 't you angry with her ? How can you just forgive her and want me to talk to her ? " Ricky looked at Evanglina quietly for a minute and then sighed . " I am angry , Evanglina , very , but it won 't change anything . What happened , happened and as much as I hate it , I may have been part to blame for why she lied in the first place . " " Yes , that . I didn 't deal with the situation very well ; neither of us did , and we really hurt your mother in the process . I 'm not saying all this was okay , but I do see where she might have been coming from . I think she has been carrying what happened between us for all these years . " Evanglina lifted her shoulders . " Fine . Maybe you 're right . But what about Jake ? Ever since she started dating him , she has been all about him and never about me . " " She has taken his word over mine so many times that I have lost count ! Every time I tried to tell her about something that he did to me , she would never believe me ! Every time he slapped me , cursed at me or even threatened me , she never listened . He even beat me up in front of her twice and she just watched ! " Evanglina shook her head . " All that I have gone through because of her , I can 't forgive . " " It always amazes me when you talk about it . It makes me so angry that you had to go through all that . I wish I could have been there for you . " " I 'm not trying to defend her . I 'm not even asking you to forgive her . I just think you should talk to her . Maybe she wouldn 't be hounding you so much if you told her what you just told me . " Evanglina stared at him for a moment in silence and then nodded . " Maybe you 're right , " she said . " I just don 't know if I am ready to . " After leaving McDoogles , they both head to the beach and skip some stones into the ocean . Ricky has a long arm and is able to get his stone to skip several times before it drops underwater . I have tried to do that so many times , but I can only get mine to skip twice . They then take a dip in the ocean , splashing around in the water . The sky starts to darken , but they both didn 't seem to care . I can 't help but feel happy for her . Evanglina finally has the family she has always wanted . In other news , Claude and Emilie have been spending a lot of time together . I have been seeing an awful lot of them around town . I guess with him leaving , Emilie wanted to get as much time with him as possible . The day before he left , I saw them hanging together at Marcelle Park . They stay like that for almost thirty minutes and even shared a few passionate kisses before leaving . I think it helped that the park happened to be empty that day . Not that I think either of them would have cared all that much . Claude grinned . " Especially then . I want to hear all about how things are at Columbia . I 'm so happy you got accepted . I know how much you wanted to go there . " Emilie 's cheeks reddened . " Thanks , and I am happy for you for getting into the University of Cambridge . I want to hear all about that too . " They then pull in for a kiss and spend the next few minutes doing so in the warm summer breeze . They seem almost lost in each other and I am starting to feel like a hidden third wheel . Not that I haven 't felt this way many times before . Then with a final hug and kiss , Claude took off , leaving Emilie standing in front of the gate watching after him . My heart breaks for her . I can 't imagine gaining my first boyfriend and then having him leave me to return home . Another reason why I don 't do long distance . So that makes the end of this week 's posts . I can 't believe it , but next week will be my last post as Lexie . It 's crazy how time flies . That said , keep up with your guesses , because in just a week you may just know who Lexie really is . Hey Queendalers ! Code word for this week , is " calendar . " I thought it was fitting considering how fast time has been flying by . In just a month , school will be out for the summer ! Life is crazy , huh ? Well I won 't waste any time with my personal rambling . Let 's get right to it ! So Henrietta was spotted at " The Maxwell " earlier this week . She was having lunch with a friend , one I can only assume was from work . Henrietta has now turned from her life as a lady of leisure and to become a receptionist at one of the local salons . And from the conversation she was having , she wasn 't too happy about it . " And that woman wouldn 't know a brush if it hit her in the face , " Henrietta was saying about a customer . " I 'm telling you Lisa , the most outrageous people show up at the salon . I don 't know how you have put up with it all these years . " Lisa rolled her eyes . " Tell me about it . I swear , some people shouldn 't even be allowed in there . I have to fix her split ends and her horribly frizzy up do , and she has the nerve to give me attitude ? They are the worst . " Henrietta nodded . " She 's even said that . Nonetheless , Luke is her real father and he wants a relationship with her . He won 't stop until he forms one . He feels like he has been robbed of a life with her . " " That and you helped get me a job after the divorce . " Henrietta sighed again . " The way Damien is going , I 'm going to end up with nothing in the divorce settlement . He 's basically making it seem like I just married him for his money . " " Didn 't you also claim you married Luke for that reason ? What made you two divorce ? Wasn 't it because he went bankrupt ? " When Henrietta gave her a dirty look , Lisa chuckled . " Okay , all right . I 'll stop . I am on your side . It 's just you are in a pretty sticky situation . " " Well , Derek seems to be leaning toward Bridgeport University , but Damien really wants him to go to his Alma Mater , University of Columbia Heights . Angel on the other hand , I don 't know . She hasn 't heard back from any of her schools yet , and she doesn 't really seem to care too much . " Henrietta looked away . " I am a bit worried about her . " Lisa grinned . " I think Angel is just trying to find herself . With everything going on with her , it 's not a surprise to me that she would be confused . I 'm sure she will figure things out in time . " " I know . And I 'll bet she knows it too . She just needs some time . " Lisa then clasped her hands together . " Now let 's order . I 'm famished . " They then turn back to their menus and begin to order . I still can 't believe Henrietta has a job . Granted , it is a job that totally suits her , but still . I never thought I would see the day that Henrietta would have to work . Karma 's a witch , isn 't it ? Speaking of Angel , I spotted her later that evening at the club owned by Damien . She was there with Claire and they seemed pretty down . I am not too surprised since they have been that way since Prom . I 'll bet it is the first time that both of them have lost the guys they were dating . They won 't stop talking about it ! Upon arriving they headed straight to the Karaoke booth and started singing ( well , screeching ) song after song . And I mean from Paula Deana 's hits to oldies , like the spice girls . It was crazy and extremely obnoxious . Not that anyone said a word . I think they all knew who Angel and Claire 's parents were . After thirty minutes had passed , the room started to empty . I think people had heard enough of their squawking and needed some peace . I even felt like I was losing my mind . " Tell me about it . " Angel flipped a strand of her hair over her shoulder . " My mom won 't stop bugging me about school , and , well … Luke . " " He 's not my dad . Well , he is , but - " Angel broke off and sighed . " I don 't know , the whole thing is kind of confusing to me right now . I 'm just not ready to talk to him yet . " " I can 't blame you . I don 't know how I would feel if I found out my dad wasn 't my real dad . I don 't know how you 've been able to deal with it . " Claire shrugged . " Hey , you were in a bad place that night . I just wish Claude had been gentleman enough to take you home . I can 't believe he just left you there like that . What a jerk . " " Ugh , that freak . " Claire rolled her eyes . " I don 't even know what he sees in her . Have you been seeing the two of them lately ? They 've been all lovey dovey and gross . " " I know ! " Angel shivered . " It 's almost as bad as Paul and Kara . I totally caught them making out in the park this week . " She makes a gagging motion with her finger and tongue . " Tell me about it . I 'd say it has been that way since the Marsens moved in last year . Not to mention when Adam started dating Maria . " " Don 't even bring that up , " Claire said shaking her head . " I have been trying to get Adam to just let her go , but he refuses to . I just hope he goes to Duke University so he can be away from her . " " Yah , but I 've decided not to go . I accepted the offer to Cleveland University instead . That said , I kind of have other plans for after graduation . What about you ? Have you gotten accepted anywhere ? " Angel looked down at her plate in silence . " No . I 've actually been rejected from all the schools I applied to . I haven 't told my mom about it , I just said that I hadn 't received all my letters yet . I don 't know how to tell her . " Angel nodded . " I know , I just don 't know how . Honestly , I don 't really think I am ready to go to college . I feel like I just want to go out and explore the world for a bit first . If I went , I wouldn 't even know what to study or anything . I just don 't think it is right for me . " " So , I talked to my mom about me taking some time off before going to Cleveland University . I managed to delay my acceptance to them for a quarter and I talked my mom into letting me go stay with my aunt in France . Maybe if you talked to your mom , you could come with me ! Can you imagine the adventures we would have in Paris ? " " Of course ! Besides , it would be fun to have you along . It was going to be a bit lonely going by myself since both of my cousins are going to a university in Barcelona . If you come with me , it could be us against Paris . " Angel grinned . " I 'll talk to my mom . And you know , she just might agree to it . It beats me siting around and looking pitiful until next year rolls around . " " I hear you . " Claire then glanced over her shoulder and seemed to finally spot Charlotte singing her rendition of " Blame It On The Weatherman , " by B * witched . " We should go . Charlotte is getting a bit carried away . " Charlotte had taken off with the song and was even hitting high notes . The audience that had left from Claire and Angel 's screeching , had returned and were cheering her on . I am sure going to miss having Charlotte around when school ends . She really has given Angel and Claire a run for their money . Well , minus them using her to break up Adam and Maria , and attempting to do the same with Evanglina and Derek . " I can 't believe Jake did all those things to you . " Derek shook his head , and cursed under his breath . " He 's disgusting . " " No argument here , " Evanglina said in agreement . " I was so relieved when Aunt Sarah showed up with Ricky . I 'm just so happy to be out of there . Things have been so much better . It was so stupid of me not to say anything . I should have listened to you . " Evanglina exhaled deeply . " I know she was probably high on those drugs Jake uses , but still . She just stood and watched ! And that 's not all . She has always chosen Jake over me . I 'm just so angry with her . " Evanglina smiled . " You have . You 've been helping me since all this started . I never had the courage to stand up to Jake before I met you . " " Mine too , " said Evanglina . She then leaned over to touch something in the car and after , music began to emit from the speakers . Ironically , it was Paula Deana 's romantic hit song , " Without You . " " Can you believe that in just a month we won 't be high schoolers anymore ? " " I know , it 's crazy . " Derek shook his head . " I used to feel like high school would never end . Now , I don 't know if I want it to . " Evanglina looked surprised when he said that . " You 're going to Bridgeport University ? I thought your dad wanted you to go to University of Columbia Heights ? " " I 'm not . I 've always wanted to go to Bridgeport University . I 've spent so much time in Queendale that it would be nice to go somewhere different for a change . " " That 's true . I 've been mostly everywhere , but the big city . It will be a nice change . " Evanglina looked upward once again . " To be honest , I 've always seen it in my future . Me graduating from a college in the city and then starting a life there . " Evanglina looked surprised . " You mean , like married ? " When Derek nodded , Evanglina grinned . " I don 't know … maybe . Life is crazy though . " " So , you don 't see it ? " Derek looked a little disappointed , and I couldn 't blame him . She kind of rejected the idea a bit . Evanglina shook her head . " I didn 't say that . I just think we 're still so young ! " She then laughed . " That said , I think that if you and I make it through our four years of college together , then yes . I can definitely see it . " It 's then that I decided to take my leave and give them a bit of privacy , but not before snapping another pic of them . They are so adorable ! I still can 't believe they were cheated from Prom King and Queen ! Although , at this point the whole school pretty much knows that Angel bribed Greg Jensen . I 'm surprised that the principle hasn 't asked her to give her crown up . He is totally the type to do that ! Not that Angel would give it up willingly . After everything she has been going through , that crown is probably her one piece of salvation ! Well , that 's it for this week . Only a few posts left , and that means only a few posts left to guess who I am . Yes , you guessed it , I am a Queendale graduate this year ! So time is running out for you , my dearies ! Keep guessing , and I will be revealing my identity in my last post ! Guess correctly and you may just get a shout out ! More soon ! ( Hey my readers ! Thank you so much for reading my story ! There are only a few posts left of Kisses , Lexie , so stay tuned ! Has anyone figured out Lexie 's identity yet ? Leave your guesses in the comments ! More soon ! 😉 ) Hey Queendalers ! If you guessed " sleeping bag " , you got it ! So this week was a slow one . With all the seniors worrying about graduation and getting all their credits , there is no trouble for drama . Well , for the most part . So , Track season has come to a close . That said , Paul has still been practicing his skills , including soccer and basketball . I spotted him practicing with Emily at the park Thursday afternoon . Let me tell you , she was not so bad herself ! She put up a good game , kicking the ball with all her might into the net . Even with all Paul 's training , she gave him quite a workout . Still , she was no match for Paul and his superb goalie skills . He blocked every single one of Emilie 's balls despite her powerful force of kicks . Somehow , I think he will do just fine at either Bridgeport University or Alfred State with soccer . Unfortunately , it started to rain forty minutes later , ruining their fun . And it was coming down pretty hard . The two of them both then packed up their things and headed out . I however , would have stuck around if I was them . There is nothing like playing soccer in the rain . I love it ! Sure , you might slip and slide along the mud , but that 's more of the fun ! Emilie and Paul weren 't the only ones having fun this week . I spotted Evanglina and Ricky driving along this weekend together . It would seem that Evanglina has finally managed to get her permit and is working with Ricky to get her license ! Better now than never ! I 'm sure you are wondering how she has been doing since the whole fiasco last weekend . Well , Evanglina is now back at school and seems to be doing better . She still has some scars on her neck and face left from Jake 's abuse , but other than that , she seems to be okay . She does seem a little quieter and more guarded than usual , but who can blame her ? I can 't imagine dealing with what she has had to deal with for the past two years or more ! At least there is now a bit of happiness for her . I also saw her at the park again , strumming on her guitar along with Maria . The two of them are really on about this starting a band thing . They have even given themselves a name , " Evarie , " by putting their names together . And trust me , they are not bad . Their performance at the Prom has sparked a lot of attention and from what I 've heard , someone has posted a video of it online on " Youbook " , the social media Queendale teens are addicted to . The video has almost 250 , 000 views which is pretty good for Queendale and the state . These girls might be going places ! Although , I was a bit surprised to see they were watching the FearNet station . Funny , they didn 't even seem that scared . I would have been terrified out of my mind ! They show the creepiest movies on there , but there were the four of them laughing while watching ! Crazy ! The night then ended with a nice soak in the hot tub out back in the Emerson 's backyard . All four of them were laughing and seeming to be having a good time . Even Evanglina seemed to be enjoying herself . Maria shook her head . " I just can 't talk to him right now . I feel like my emotions are all over the place . On one side , I am still so angry that I can 't even think straight and then on the other side , I just miss him so much . " " Don 't Eva , " Kara said shaking her head . " You had to leave . You couldn 't stay in an environment like that . It was bad for you . I mean , look what Jake did to you ! " " Your mom is hurt now , but she caused this . She shouldn 't have let Jake do all that to you . I think right now you need to focus on you . " After soaking , they started to head inside , but then Evanglina said she had a spooky story to tell . They all then gathered on the ground and she began telling them a ghost story . As she told the story , they all got so into it , that they started jerking and pulling away as if Evanglina was the one doing all the killing in the story ! The four of them then headed inside . It is amazing how so much has changed , but the four of them have still managed to be good friends . Go figure . Hey Queendalers ! So I am sure you are all wondering exactly what is going on with the Marsens since last week 's post . Well , I actually do have some news , for those of you who don 't yet know . Here we go ! So as you know , Evanglina hasn 't really been in school the past week . While everyone figured that she was just sick ( and there may have been some truth to that ) , it would seem that she was at home because Jake and Henria were keeping her there . And of course , it only got worse after Kara told Evanglina about the possibility of Ricky being her father . Since that night that Jake dragged her upstairs to her room , Evanglina has not been seen out of the house . I 'm serious ! It 's like she disappeared . Kara and Derek have tried to see her a few times , but Henria always yells at them to leave and Jake slams the door in their faces . It is pretty obvious that they are basically keeping her trapped there , something that it would seem Sarah came to notice . After almost a week had passed , she made her way over to talk to Henria . It was Thursday afternoon to be exact . Henria didn 't want to let her in , but Sarah would not take no for an answer . She pushed her way through the door and into the house . " What do you want Sarah ? " Henria said rolling her eyes . Her face looked like she hadn 't slept in days . What on Earth was she taking ? " I came to see Evanglina , " said Sarah . " Kara said she hasn 't been in school for almost two weeks . She said she came over last week and snuck in to see her , but since then you haven 't been letting anyone in . So , I decided to come over to see for myself . " Henria scoffed . " I don 't know , and I really don 't care . Whatever the case , you wasted a trip . Evanglina isn 't having any visitors , so you can just go . " " Listen Henria , " Sarah snapped . " I am not going anywhere until I see Evanglina . I don 't care if she is contagious or whatever you say . I want to see her . Now . " Henria glared at her . " Excuse me , but this is my house and Evanglina is my daughter . You can 't just barge in here and order me around ! " " No ! " Sarah yelled . " You aren 't getting rid of me this time . I want to see her . Besides , the test results come back today . " Henria 's eyes widened . " W - what ? H - how are you running a test ? I have not given you permission nor have I given you any sample of Evanglina 's DNA ! " Sarah sighed . " I just want the truth Henria , and so does Ricky . " Just as she said this , a car pulled up and then Ricky emerged from the front door . " Looks like Ricky is here , " she said . " So it wasn 't some magical DNA . She got it off Evanglina 's used latte cup , from when she took her and Kara shopping . And I received the results right before I came here . " He pauses to take a deep breath . " Henria … I 'm her father . " I honestly wonder what reaction Ricky was hoping for . Maybe shock ? Surprise ? Horror ? I don 't know , but it was not what he got . After those words left his lips , she just stood there staring at him . " And how could I ? What with you screwing my sister back at home ! You chose her over us ! So Evanglina and I had to move on with our lives ! " " What do you mean us ? I didn 't even know you were pregnant ! You left town and never told me ! I would have never abandoned Evanglina ! " It 's amazing how this has turned into a shouting match . If anyone had been jogging by or even biking , they would have been able to hear their whole conversation . It was that loud , and also , the window happened to be open . " Well , I 'm sorry , but you can 't decide that anymore , Henria , " he said finally . " Evanglina is eighteen years old now , and she 's my daughter too . So that means I have just as much right as you do . " Henria scoffed . " Oh please , you haven 't even been a part of her life . In a custody hearing you wouldn 't have any say . " " Are you kidding ? " Ricky raised his eyebrows , " If we were negotiating for custody , you would be at a serious loss ! For goodness sakes , you are engaged to a man that allegedly imports drugs ! He is on the police station 's watch list ! " Henria sighed . " Ricky just came over to tell me how he and Sarah had my daughter tested to see if he is her father . Apparently , the test came back positive for a match . " Meanwhile , Jake just laughed . " That little b * * * * ( censoring ) doesn 't deserve to be called anything other than what she is . A dirty , little rotten slut . " Only Jake didn 't take that too well . He gritted his teeth and then tackled Ricky ! The two of them then went rolling onto the floor . Henria just stood above them watching in surprise and awe . The fight went on for a while with each of them struggling against each other . There is then a loud crashing sound and I can 't tell whether it was caused by them or from something upstairs . Ricky 's face looked totally furious while Jake had that killer look in his eyes . Scary ! Finally , they both pulled apart panting . At that same time , Evanglina and Sarah emerged from upstairs . Evanglina looked horrible and terribly weak as she followed behind her . Her face was sunken like she hasn 't slept in days , and there was still a bruise on her cheek from where Jake had backhanded her ; not to mention a few on her neck . " I got her out of her room , " Sarah interrupted . " The door was locked , so I had to break in to get her out . " She gave Henria a dirty look . " She was handcuffed to her bed . " Jake smirked . " Hey , some kids need harsher punishments for the message to sink in . Evanglina happens to be one of them . Only problem , she doesn 't seem to learn her lesson , as you can see . " " How dare you ! " Ricky made a move toward Jake , but he was too quick . Jake lunged at him and then the two them go at it again ! " We aren 't ! Evanglina wants to come with us , which I think is an excellent decision considering what is happening to her here ! Also , she is eighteen years old ! She can move out ! And you forcing her to stay here against her will , is basically kidnapping ! " " You don 't have a choice ! " Sarah said , and then sighed . " Ricky and I are walking out of here with Evanglina and if you try to stop us , I will call the police . " Evanglina just took one look at Henria and the house before turning away . Henria then stood by the doorsteps and watched Sarah 's car drive away before bursting into tears . I want to feel sorry for her , but I can 't . I am just too happy that finally Evanglina is out of that chaos . As Ricky and Sarah drove off into the distance , I couldn 't help but feel extremely relieved . I had been on the verge of blowing my cover to help Evanglina out . Luckily , I didn 't have to . Maybe just maybe , things might get better for that girl . One can hope . Well , that is it for this week . The weeks are dwindling down and summer is almost on us . Also , graduation is right around the corner ! Soon high school will be behind us . Let 's have a toast to bigger and better things in life . More soon my dearies ! Hey my Queendalers ! So last week 's code was a little weird , but some of you were still able to guess it , " butterfly . " Still , some of you did struggle with it , so I will leave the code for one more week for those of you that could not guess it . Well , this week 's post is a bit jam packed , so let me get started ! First of all , I spotted Angel and Claire at Feng Shui Fusion on Friday night . They were perched on stools while enjoying plates of sushi . Claire was going on about her irritation with the events of prom night . " I cannot believe that he ditched me for Kara , " she said , shaking her head . " I mean , its Kara ! I can 't believe he left me for that piece of trash . " " You 're complaining , " Angel gave her a look , " What about Claude ? He basically made me look like some pathetic loser ! Telling me that he had no interest in me romantically ? He basically " friend - zoned " me ! " ( Oh yes he did ! It was absolutely beautiful . ) " And on top of that , he also ditched me for Emilie ! That science geek ! " Angel rolled her eyes . " So , I think I had it a bit worse than you . " " I didn 't say she didn 't . " Angel sighed . " I 'm just saying maybe you shouldn 't have fought with her at the dance . You know how strict the principle was being about fights . " " Hey , no worries , " Angel then said . " This fall we will be in college and get to be around hot college guys . We won 't have to bother ourselves with these stupid high school guys anymore . " " Well , I heard back from Bridgeport University and Duke . They apparently both accepted me . I was a bit surprised about Duke . I got an interview and I didn 't think it went well . I guess there was something about me they liked . " Claire glared at him . " I dropped her off at home on my way home from school . Besides , I uninvited her . This dinner is just for Angel and I . " Claude stared at her for a moment in silence before responding . " To what are you implying ? I don 't believe I have ever messed with you . " Claude raised his eyebrows in realization . " Oh that . I was not messing with Angel . I simply told her that she had the wrong idea about us . We were just friends , but she had mistakenly thought we were more . " " That wasn 't her fault ! You asked her to the prom ! That is asking her out ! You are the one that suddenly changed your mind and wanted to be with , Emilie . " Still Claude pays her no mind . " Look , I didn 't come to argue with you . If Charlotte is at home like you say , I will just go and see her there . " He then turns and leaves , ignoring her loud comment about him being an " asswhole , " as he walks out . I swear , sometimes I wonder if Angel or Claire have any class left in their bodies . Not that they had much to begin with . In other news , I am sure you are wondering what has been going on with Evanglina since everything on the morning after prom night . Literally everyone is wondering that . No one has really seen much of Evanglina for the past week . I don 't think she has even been at school . Maybe she was sick ? Well , I found out the true reason that Friday afternoon . Kara , who had been trying to get into the Marsen house , was finally able to do so when Jake temporarily stepped outside for a few minutes to smoke ( yes , you know what ) . Kara crept in through the back door quietly and found Evanglina cleaning the kitchen . " Hey , what 's up ? " she said , walking over to her . " I haven 't really seen much of you in the past week . Is everything okay ? " It looked like Kara wasn 't buying it either . " Are you sure ? It 's not like you to miss four whole days of school . Not even for being sick . Then again , Monday you didn 't look too good . " Evanglina sighed . " I 'm sorry , my mom 's just really angry about prom night . I slept over at Derek 's house and she is really mad about it . They both are . " " I - I don 't . I - I just don 't want any more problems right now , " Evanglina said . Her voice sounded a little strained . Kara still looked worried , but she moved on . " Well , I came to tell you something . I 've actually been trying to get a hold of you so I could talk to you about it . " " So I heard my mother talking the other day about you and Ricky . It was so weird . She was on the phone with someone and she said something about them needing to hurry with some type of test results . " Kara nodded . " Yes . She was really annoyed about it too . She said that she had asked them to put a rush on it , because Ricky needed to know sooner rather than later . It seemed really important to her . " " I thought so too , but then I started thinking about back when I was talking to Ricky and I said that you and him looked alike . Well , he told me that my mom seemed to really think so and was obsessing over it . Now , he 's been talking about it a lot too . " Kara shrugged . " I know , it sounds crazy , but I really think she believes it ! And I 'll bet that those test results are to prove it . " " Your father . And honestly ? I think Ricky does so too . " Kara then smiled . " It 's weird to think about , right ? That said , it would explain why your mom hates the fact that he is married to my mom . Especially , if she has known all this time . " " My mom probably doesn 't know . She couldn 't . That would mean that she would have kept me from him for all these years . She may have problems , but she wouldn 't do that to me . Right ? " Kara jumped . " I should go ! I don 't want to get you in anymore trouble . Call me , me okay ? And call Derek . He 's really worried about you . " She then slipped out through the back door . Okay , now here is where things got crazy . Henria , as it turns out , was at home the whole time ! She was upstairs and after Kara left , she came slowly down the stairs . Jake coughing a bit from his joint , came walking in through the front door . " I thought we told you that you weren 't allowed any friends over ! Jakes bellowed . " Wow ! You think you can just do whatever you damn well please , don 't you ? " " No I don 't ! " Evanglina cried in frustration . " I didn 't invite her over ! She just came over because she wanted to tell me that Sarah was having some test being run . Something with me and Ricky . " " It 's a lie ! " Henria snapped . " Sarah doesn 't know what she 's talking about ! She 's crazy and making things up ! " " Look at what you 're doing ! " Jake said , glaring at Evanglina . " You 're upsetting your mother ! All for the stupid lie your slut aunt is telling . What an ungrateful waste of space ! " After he says this , Evanglina stared at him for a moment in shock . " I can 't believe you said that . " She then looked at Henria . " Mom ? Aren 't you going to say something ? " Evanglina shook her head . " You know what ? I can 't take this anymore ! I have put up with all this long enough ! I thought I could handle it until graduation , but I can 't ! I have had it ! I 'm moving out ! " " RICKY IS NOT YOUR FATHER ! " Henria screamed . She was on the verge of being hysterical . " HE is not a part of our family ! HE is with Sarah ! Not us ! So just let it go ! " And like usual , just as Evanglina finished saying this , Jake stepped forward and backhanded her hard across the face . Only this time , even I could see that he left a mark . I then noticed that he was wearing some type of ring on his finger and it totally scraped her face during the hit . There was a long gash on Evanglina 's cheek and blood was starting to seep through . But Jake didn 't stop there . He slapped Evanglina several more times and when she fell , he began to kick her body roughly . I literally watched in horror as Jake beat Evanglina up and her mother just stood watching without lifting a finger to help her . Seriously ! She just stood there watching like her mind was somewhere else . I was on the verge of calling the police , when Jake finally stopped . " I told you that you hadn 't seen anything yet , " Jake sneered . " And if you ever talk like that to your mother again , I can do much , much worse . Keep going and you might just not be able to use those legs for a while . " He then grabbed Evanglina by the arm and pulled her up the stairs . You could hear Evanglina 's screams and shouts as he dragged her up the staircase while yelling , " Shut up or I 'll give you something to shout about ! " Then silence when her bedroom door closed loudly . Now I have to say , I am left in a position of confusion . On one hand , I am just a blogger who reports what I see and remains out of the conflicts , but what if I see something that is serious ? What then ? Do I get involved and do something about it ? Or do I watch for the situation to play out ? Well , for now , I will be keeping a close eye on the Marsens as I figure out how to approach this . Meanwhile , please feel free to forward this to anyone you think can help . Violence should never be tolerated , especially not from parents to children . And from the way things are going , Evanglina is going to need all the help she can get to get out of this situation . Hey Queendalers ! If you guessed " gummy bear , " you got it right ! I thought I would do a fun code for this week . I cannot believe how fast the months have gone . In just a month , the seniors will be graduating ! Time sure flies ! Well onto the post ! I am sure you are all wondering what happened with Evanglina and Derek after she went home with him prom night . Well , let me tell you , she didn 't leave until the next morning ! Seriously ! I spotted her hurrying out of Derek 's house the very next morning looking very rattled . " Hey , it was an accident , " said Derek . " We just kind of fell asleep . " I feel a bit disappointed that just like last year nothing exciting happened . Again , too many Fabio covered novels . I have never seen someone petal so fast to get home . It was like she flew and trust me , that dress did not hold her back one bit ! She then jumped off the bike and hurried into her house . Unfortunately , Evanglina was not lucky enough to be able to sneak back in . Henria was waiting for her when she came in through the door . You could hear her voice even from outside . " Mom ! Listen to me ! " Evanglina practically had to yell . " We had just come back from prom and Derek asked me back inside , so I - " " So you went in with him ? ! " Henria looked incredulous . " How could you be so irresponsible ! A child like you going over to sleep at boys ' houses in the night ! " Jake gritted his teeth and then slapped Evanglina right across the face . " You ungrateful little twit ! " He yelled . " After all I have done for you ! Giving you a roof over your head ? You think you can talk to me like that ? You go around whoring yourself to men in the night and then come home and insult your mother ? " " Just shut up ! " Jake yelled . " Just shut the fu * * up ! I am sick of your attitude and your stupid excuses ! You are never seeing that boy again ! Do you hear me ? ! Now get the fu * * upstairs ! NOW ! " Evanglina looked at her mother like she was waiting for her to say something , but she didn 't say a word . She just stood watching in silence . Evanglina then burst into tears and ran up to room , with Henria and Jake yelling up the stairs after her . Goodness , the things that poor girl has to deal with . It makes you wonder what is going on with Ricky and the results . He hadn 't been back in past week . Could it be that Sarah had been wrong ? That Ricky wasn 't Evanglina 's father ? I guess time will tell . In other news , I saw Paul and Brian Nelson downtown together later in the afternoon . They were taking a stroll along the sidewalk , something that I hadn 't ever really seen Paul and Brian do . But nearing them , I realized why . They were having quite a serious conversation . Paul shrugged . " Yah , it has , but that 's life . I figured things were kind of headed in that direction by the way you and mom were acting . Still , I did hope you two could work through it . " Brian sighed . " So did I . But sometimes there are just some things you can 't get past . Learn from my mistakes , son . You find someone you love and know is the one , do not squander it or take it for granted . You never know if you will get another chance . " Afterwards , their conversation became a bit more cheerful . Brian asked how school was going and Paul said it was going well . He also told him how thrilled he was of being accepted at Bridgeport University and Alfred State . He just couldn 't decide between the two . " Don 't go to a school just because of a girl , son . Make sure you are there because you really want to be there . If not and you two don 't stay together , the situation gets messy . Besides , Bridgeport University and Alfred State are only an hour from each other or less . Either way , you two will still be able to see each other . " That Paul couldn 't argue with . Which gets me thinking . With all these couples still in high school , it is so easy , but when they all move to college settings , will they all be able to last ? Well , that 's it for this week . We are winding down to the final weeks of the year and you all are still up with your guessing of who I am . Good guesses and I think one of you might have figured it out … Also , I have noticed that more people are starting to follow my blog , funny , as it is coming to an end . It 's only a matter of time before it spreads to certain people … More soon ! |
" That bitch , Kannamma , ma ' am , " she put down the dish and continued , gesturing exuberantly , " She stood on the railway tracks a little while ago , it seems , ready to throw herself under the train . The railway workers pulled her out , talking some sense into her . If I were there I would have pushed her right under the train . " Appalamma picked up the dirty dish in a huff . Apparently Kannamma moved here from somewhere . She has been going from door to door , begging for food . And then , it seems , she sets fire to the very house she is begging from - meaning she goes after the men in that house . Appalamma has been ranting this story for the past one week . Radha heard it and kept quiet . She didn 't pay much attention to the story . Kannamma never came to her door . Radha did not understand why Appalamma was so upset with Kannamma . " Let it be . Bring the dishes quick , " she said and went in . " In a minute ma ' am . I work in four homes , ma ' am . My palms are sore with pain . I 've been telling you I can 't work for you anymore but you won 't listen . You insist on me working for you , " said Appalamma continuing her soliloquy . It was about one in the afternoon . It was sizzling hot . She vaguely heard a knock on the door . She also heard a child crying in a screechy voice . She got up hastily and opened the door . A woman was standing at the door looking like a wood figurine and with the crying child in her arms . She was jet dark , short and has small pox marks all over the body . Her hair was in a lemon size bun . A piece of cloth , about an arms length , was hardly covering her body . She has small black bag at her feet . She stood there with tearful eyes . The woman quickly wiped her tears . She said in a husky voice , holding down her grief , " Ma ' am , I am afraid the child might die . We haven 't had a meal since morning . I begged so many people . They all shouted at me , ' go , go away ' . Please let me have a small change . " She said it as if she has been practicing it and has said it to several people . Tears rolled down from her eyes . The child in her arms wouldn 't stay still . He was wiggling like a worm . Possibly about 3 months old . She guessed it from his face but his legs and arms were looking like thin sticks . Radha felt sorry for them . " I 'll give you money . But it 'll take time for you to buy milk and feed him . I have some milk inside . I can warm it up for you . Come in . " " Ma ' am ! I need to wash my saree . He wet it . Can you give me a little water in a small pot ? " she asked Radha . That woman was wrapped in a piece of cloth that was hardly two arm lengths . That was all drenched and stuck to the body . She spread the wet part in the sun and sat there along with the cloth . " No , ma ' am . I used to have two sarees . After he was born , they turned into rags . It 's okay , ma ' am . It will dry soon enough . " Radha went in and opened the box where she kept her old sarees . She found two sarees , a little worn out . She picked up the black saree with white border and came back . She threw it at the woman who was sitting in the sun and said , " Here . Put this one on . Leave that cloth in the sun and you come here . There is some left over food . Would you like to eat ? " " No , no . Lie down . I just asked , for no reason , " Radha said and went in . She tried to sleep but couldn 't . Kannamma woke up at about 3 in the afternoon . Radha brought all the dirty dishes into the backyard and said , " No show of Appalamma again . Whatever could have happened this time . She is killing me . I don 't know when this pest goes away . " Radha sat down , annoyed , to pick stones from the rice . Appalamma did not show up at all for the day . Kannamma finished the entire work . She washed the dishes glossy clean . Ground the idli dough silky soft . Swept the rooms clean . In the afternoon after Radha changed her clothes , Kannamma washed them and put them out to dry . " Where to ? " Radha asked involuntarily . Then checking herself , asked again , stretching the words , " I mean , where is your house ? Where are you staying ? " " You are kind , ma ' am , to say that . Ever since I came here everybody is chasing me like a mad dog . Every woman has only a bad word for me . I came here with the hope of finding work and make a living . Each day has become a struggle . I am worn out . " " Alright . Where can you go now ? We 'll see tomorrow . Put down the child to rest . Look ! Take that pan and bring some water . I will start rice . " Radha went into the kitchen . That night Radha told her husband about Kannamma . " Poor thing . She says she has no one in the world for her . Looks like a nice person . She is doing a good job of all the chores . I am tired with all these servants . Appalamma skips work at least four times a month . On top of it , she gets upset each time I ask her to do something . Think of the morning hours for instance - tiffins , coffees , and your office , children 's school … all come up rushing in on me … " Radha was talking non - stop . Her husband Satyannarayana cut short her tirade and said , " Sh . Sh . Stop . What is this long lecture about ? Radha ! Just tell me what are you getting at ? " " That 's also like giving her a new lease on life . She has been going around from house to house with that tiny baby . That 's why . . " " That 's okay . What do we have got to lose ? Plus you will have some help at home as well . But first explain everything to her in advance and tell her to be careful . " Satyannarayana finished his dinner and went into his room . Radha felt ecstatic . Kannamma was overwhelmed by a fit of pleasure and pain . " Ma ' am , God Himself brought me here to your door . I am swearing on this food . I will behave with gratitude . I will never forget your kindness . I swear on my child . " " Cha ! Stop swearing . Hard working people will always find a way out . Don 't worry about it . I will keep milk in this pot . Would you like to have a little more rice ? " Next day Appalamma came in while it was still dark and started knocking on the door . Kannamma was washing dishes and heard it . She went to open the door . Radha came to the door and said , " Appalamma ! you 've been saying that you don 't have time and that I should look for another maid . Well , I gave the job to Kannamma . Send your son a little later . I will settle your account . " " Stop yelling so early in the morning . She is working because I asked her to . Why blame her ? You skip one shift per day . How can I manage with you ? That is enough . Just go . " " Okay , I 'll go . Let the bitch take my food from my mouth and eat , who knows for how long . She 'll go to hell . Her end is near . Her child will go to hell . . " Once Radha forgot her earrings in the bathroom . Kannamma brought them to Radha and said with some concern , " Ma ' am , as ill - luck would have it , if these are lost , your suspicion would turn to me . Please be careful with your things . " During that one week Radha heard Kannamma 's story also . Kannamma was married once at first . She has two sons by the first marriage . For about 5 , 6 years the husband and wife were happy . " It 's okay , ma ' am . After all , he has married me . He can do whatever he wants . If he were around , I wouldn 't be in this plight , ma ' am ! " Kannamma 's husband died of some disease . For a couple of years Kannamma was living in her brother 's house along with her two children . She has no parents . Has only that brother and sister - in - law . The sister - in - law put her through all kinds of hardships , short of burning with a branding iron . She was not even giving her a full meal . Well , there wasn 't really enough to give either . She could at least have a kind word for Kannamma . But she wouldn 't . not interested in remarriage . But she is better off marrying somebody . Or else this sister - in - law will make her life a living hell . But then Appanna is a distant relative of Kannamma . His first wife died . No children . He has been following her and teasing her for sometime and Kannamma has been pushing him away . Still he continued to follow her . " The man may be old , may be worn out . But if I had listened to my brother , I would have had a royal life . My brother would have come to my help any time I needed . I didn 't have the sense to see it when I agreed to this secret marriage . " Her eyes filled with tears . " Well . It feels like that now . Probably anybody else would have done the same under the circumstances . Who knows what would have happened if you had married that old man ? " Radha said sounding sympathetic . " Yes , ma ' am . At the time I thought that , after my marriage with Appanna , my brother calm down and would come around eventually . I was planning to get my children back . After a month or so I suggested " let 's go and get our children " . Do you know what Appanna said ? " I don 't want any children ! Who will feed them ? Waste of food , " he yelled at me . I cried and begged him on my knees . I said I can 't live without seeing the children and went to bed without eating . " Okay , you can go ahead and visit them for once , " he said . One evening I went to my brother 's place . I thought I would go there and bring them back with me . As soon as I set foot in the door both the children left their food plates and came running to me , wound up around my legs and started crying loud . I couldn 't contain myself and I broke into sobs too . Then my brother came out of his room , like the Lord Yama , the god of death . He grabbed the children by their arms and dragged them into the house . He hollered profanities and threw me out into the street . He said he would chop me up into pieces with a butcher knife if he sees me again at his door . My husband here wouldn 't agree to bring the children . There my brother wouldn 't let me take them . What can I do ma ' am ? " " That 's the reason I also decided to turn into a stone and keep quiet . Somehow a year went by . Appanna used to pull a rickshaw . He started drinking heavily . I cried . I poured my heart out . But he wouldn 't listen . Eventually he even stopped coming home at nights . I decided it it is his fate and let . " My father - in - law came and sat on my bed . I was shocked and ran out into the streets . I lied down at the door all night . " I did ma ' am . I told him ' your father did like this ' and cried my heart out . " " That 's silly . My dad is a good man , " he said , walking away clumsily into the his room . He slept like a log until noon . After he woke up , I saw his dad giving him a five rupee bill . My father - in - law has a liquor store . He used to make good money . So he would give money to his son frequently . My father - in - law didn 't bother me for about a week . And then again I don 't know what pricked his brains , he came and sat next to me . This time even my husband and my mother - in - law were still in the house . He started whispering . I got frightened and screamed . He shut my mouth up . I started crying . My husband won 't get up and come to my help . He was drunk and lying there . And as for my mother - in - law . She knew and still kept quiet . " No . It 's okay . Tell me . Not that everybody is alike . Each according to their own belief . Your mother - in - law and father - in - law are doing fine . Here ! your life is ruined . How come your husband didn 't have the sense to see it ? " " He has no guts to stand up to his dad . He used to beat me up for some reason or other . He would come near me only when he was drunk . If he were in his senses , he would push me away . So I became an easy target for my father - in - law . " " Kannamma ! How could you put up with such a hell ? Why didn 't you and your husband move out and live happily , free from all those miseries ? " " I suggested exactly that , ma ' am . He wouldn 't listen . His mom would cook the food and serve readily for him the moment he walks in . Her dad would give him a half rupee or so . He has no cares , not about salt , nor about dal . And then there is the bitchy wife waiting for him in the bed . Why would he listen when he can live such a carefree life ? It is my arrogance , ma ' am , that I married him without checking his ways . I lost my two children , charming like Rama and Lakshmana . Don 't I have to pay for my sins , ma ' am ? " " May be once in a month or two I would see them in the market . Usually I would dodge them for fear that they miss me and start crying for me if they see me too often . They are doing fine at my brother 's house . My life ended up on the streets only after I got pregnant with this third child . I tried to tell my husband the good news but he was obnoxious . " Pregnant . Ha ! I am no part of it . Go wherever you please , " he said . My father - in - law saw what he was hinting at and was irritated . " What are babbling about ? Who married her , you or me ? " he said feeling guilty I believe . " You should know that ! " the son replied testily . Words flew high and they were about to start a fight . The people around intervened and stopped them . My husband left the same night and never returned , not after a month , not ever again . My mother - in - law did not like me staying there anymore . " Why are you still here ? Do you see your husband anywhere in this house ? " she would harass me every day . I didn 't like staying there either . But where else could I go ? I have no place to go . One day my mother - in - law saw that my father - in - law and I were in the same room . She bolted the doors from outside , started pulling her hair and shouting , " Did you all see this ? This bitch … with my husband … is there a sin worse than this . . at least you people should teach her a lesson " . All the people looked at me as if I were a worm . " What is wrong with you ? You will lose your sight ! " they said . Each one of them chewed me up . " You can 't live in my house . Go wherever you please , " said my mother - in - law . She pulled me out by my hair and threw me on to the streets along with my clothes . " Sounds like a lie to you . That 's the truth for me . You won 't see anyone more malicious than my brother . I would rather he let me in and then strangle me . " A kind woman named Gangamma took me in . Gangamma has no children , ma ' am . It seems she had a couple of miscarriages sometime back . And then she gained weight . Doctors told her that she could not have children anymore . So she took me in . At first she took me in out of kindness . Later she wanted to adopt my child , irrespective of whether it is a boy or girl . She asked me also . " Why not ? Take the child . After all what do I have to raise a child with , " I said . From then on both the husband and wife were taking good care of me . She would give the food first to me and then to others . Always bring something or other from the store for me . Never allow me to do anything , not so much as move a broom . She took care of me as if I were her child . I used to call her husband , ' brother ' . He also used to call me ' sister ' . I thought God was gracious to me . " Kannamma kept narrating the story . Radha fell into her own thoughts - trying to guess what happened next before Kannamma told the story . She is saying somebody took care of her . Then why is she wandering on the streets like this ? Where did this child come from ? Kannamma fell silent and looked sad . " Ma ' am ! What can I say ? Sounds like a lie to you . That 's the truth for me . A woman who steps outside her home is like someone standing stark naked on the street . Nobody asks if that is a good bitch or bad bitch . They all prey on her like an eagle . " " I may be pregnant , but how can I live if I sit doing nothing . So I would go out looking for work . But , ma ' am , where is a safe place for a bitch like me in this world ? Am I such a gorgeous woman ? Am I showing off ? To speak the truth , men don 't look for beauty or any such thing , ma ' am . All they want is some female . Go for day labor , the bosses are after you ; go for odd jobs on the farm , the landlords are after you . Not just this place or that place . Not just this man or that man . A woman without a male support must give in to somebody or other . Otherwise she can 't survive . They hunt her like a mad dog . Just listen to this . I used to call him ' brother ' , right ? He would also respond to me , ' yes , sister ' . And that very man . Do you know what that husband of Gangamma did ? He kept quiet until I had the delivery . The boy was born healthy . Gangamma also was very fond of him . After a month or so , Gangamma went somewhere . She said she wouldn 't be back until after late evening . I was alone in the house . I gave a bath to the baby and I laid him down next to me . I slipped into a little nap . Suddenly I woke up and realized that . . he … was sitting next to me , stroking my hair and laughing . I felt goose bumps all over . " What 's this , brother ? " I said , frightened and moving away . He moved closer . " Don 't worry . She won 't be back ! " he said . It became clear to me . " Ssh ! Why would you lose your sight ? Are we born to the same mother or same father ? How can we become brother and sister just for using the terms ? " he said . I sat there crying . His passion died and anger set in . " Hey , Kannamma ! You are talking like goddess Sita ? How am I worse than your father - in - law ? " he said taunting me . I didn 't give in . He sat next to me and tried to convince me . " If you stay with me , you will be wanting in nothing . I will take care of your food and clothing . Listen to me . There is nothing wrong . Aren 't you in the prime of your life ? Aren 't you eating salt and pepper . Remarriages are acceptable in our community . Who could question us ? " " Brother , I am begging you . Don 't come near me . I am taking shelter here in your home , and thinking of you two as my mother and father . Please think of me as your daughter . Think of me as your sister . I 'll fall on your feet . Look at my child … " Gangamma returned later in the evening . At first I thought I 'd throw myself at her and cry . What if she asks what happened ? What should I say ? They both would get into a fight . That idiot raved some nonsense , whether knowingly or not . I might as well let it go . He will pay for his sins . Why should I cause problems in their life ? He will realize it himself " . Thus I talked myself into keeping quiet . " Hey Kannamma ! What is the matter ? You are looking sad ! " Gangamma asked . " Nothing . I fell asleep , " I said . " You stupid ! What is wrong with you ? You are a new mother . How could you fall asleep in the middle of the day ? What if you get arthritis or something ? " she admonished me . This is all a new world for Radha . She used to think that the low class people sleep around without any qualms and they have no such thing as principles . But … this Kannamma ? " Why her ? Anybody would be upset . In fact it is my fault . I should have told her even at the outset . She asked me the same question . " If you are such a good woman , why didn 't you tell me at the beginning " . I became an easy target because I kept quiet . He assumed that I wanted him and was just playing hard to get . Do you see the turns my story took , ma ' am . " " Not just once , ma ' am ? He couldn 't leave me alone , not for a second . Won 't let me sit or stand . The moment Gangamma is out of sight he is there . Would pull my saree ends , or pinch my arm , … And I didn 't know what to do . I was so afraid that Gangamma might see . Sounds like a lie to you . That is the honest truth for me . Believe me , I was sitting there with my life breath in my closed fist … How long a sin stays a secret ? Wouldn 't it burst like a bubble ? One evening . . it was a little dark … . Earlier I dried the baby 's clothes on the fence behind the vegetable garden . I went to get them . I turned around and he was there behind me . Suddenly he took me into his arms . " Here . Buy yourself a blouse piece , " he said and stuffed a rupee coin in my fist . " Oh , God ! What has this come to ! " My knees were shaking . Not one word would come out of my mouth . I stood there as if I 'd gone crazy . That 's when it happened ma ' am ! … Right then Gangamma has seen us . At first she was shocked . Then she spit fire through her looks . She shook her head . Then she went rushing in . That idiot , her husband disappeared like a crow after spotting a pellet . I got stuck alone there . I stood there crushed . Gangamma returned with the child and threw him in the dirt at my feet . " I don 't want your child or anything else . Let us live like this . You go and find your way out , " she said firing away her words . " Sister , " I screamed and threw myself at her feet . " Please , believe me . I didn 't do anything wrong . I swear on God . I never agreed . " " Chi . You bitch ! If you know cheating you 'd know lying too . Are you saying he embraced you without you making any move ? What a spunk ! Do you know anything about trust at all ? I took you in when your entire family on either side turned you out . I gave you my share of food , you bitch ! I put a dog on the throne , you bitch . How could you go after a man who 's calling you ' sister , sister ' ? Your eyes will burst , you bitch ! Leprosy will eat you up ! " She went on and on swearing at me and shouting words that could melt anybody 's heart . My baby was rolling in the dust , Gangamma was ranting , and the people started gathering around as if they were invited for a special occasion . They started inquiring , " What happened , Gangamma ! " . The rupee he stuffed in my fist is still in my hand . I was afraid that if I threw it down , they might actually believe that I did something wrong . Gangamma pulled open my fist and showed the rupee to the crowd . " See . Take a good look . Ask her how long she has been carrying this on ? Teach the bitch a lesson ! " she continued her tirade , hitting on my cheek with her fist . " Why are you still standing there like a pole . Go . Hit the road , " said Gangamma throwing her arms into the air . I lost her trust . How can I stay there any longer anyway ? The husband that one way and the wife this way … " Sister Gangamma ! Take the child . I will go away alone , " I suggested picking up my courage . She was obstinate . I cried . I screamed . Then I picked up the child , and carrying a world of darkness on my head , walked out . The rupee wiggled like a worm in my palm . I was about to throw away . Then again I tucked it into my saree folds at my waist . " Tears rolled down from Kannamma 's eyes . Even earlier while telling the story she was sobbing in between . At times she would stop , and then she couldn 't , and so would continue her narration while crying . " Let it be , Kannamma ! How long can you cry for the past ? Of course hard times hit humans , not the tree trunks . Stop worrying , " she comforted her after a while . Kannamma also felt relieved after a while . " Ma ' am , it is over two months now . I have been wandering like a bird with this child in my arms . I haven 't had a full meal and not a piece of cloth long enough to cover myself fully . There is no way I could find work to feed myself and the child . A male face would scare me out of my wits . Even women are not kind to me . Every one of them were laughing in my face . There is not one person that would say a kind word . Ma ' am , I don 't know when and what puja I have done , I arrived at your door . I have food and clothing . My heart is content now . " Radha listened to Kannamma 's story but there is one thing she did not understand . Why should she suffer so much ? She has had two marriages . What kind of ethical questions she has to worry about ? " Kannamma ! I am confused … Why couldn 't you find some good man and move in with him ? How long can you go around like this ? After all , it is not wrong in your community ? " Kannamma turned pale . She was surprised that a good person like Radha would ask such a question . She was silent for a while . " You don 't know ma ' am . Where is a good man in this world ? All men would want all women , but for their own mother and sister , to jump into their beds . Even if I settle down with one man , do you think he would do me favors ? He will keep me for a few days and then kicks me out . Then there again I am with the same old stomach and my problems . The world spits on my face . Why should I take on all that botheration ? Why should I stake my body trusting these men . I have my muscles . And then there are kind women like you . If not today , may be tomorrow my honesty will be noticed . I will spend the rest of my life at your feet . " Wow ! This person was caught up in a bunch of sticky situations that could have turned anyone into an animal . Still she remained a human being , how ? Kannamma , caressing the baby in her lap , laughed . " One woman offered 600 rupees for this little one . Oh , no . I would cut up my heart but not give away my child . Who knows how this baby and I got connected . May be that is why Gangamma 's mind thought that way . I have already lost my first two sons . If I am patient for a few years and raise this kid , wouldn 't he take care of me ? That day I came to your door with this baby and you invited me into your home . Wouldn 't you have turned me out if I had come alone ? So , this baby is the only way out for me . Look ! He is smiling ! … " That is a mother 's heart rejoicing ! " You sat on railway tracks with this tiny child , saying you wanted to die . You are a piece of work ! " The words came to the tip of her tongue but Radha stopped herself for fear of spilling cold water on her happiness . " Anyway , Kannamma ! You said you are scared even to look at a man . Do you think all men are like that ? Would you say that even men from the high class and the educated are the same ? " Radha asked curiously . " Sorry ma ' am , I was just blabbering . If everybody is like that wouldn 't the world turn upside down ? I am sure somewhere out there , there are very nice people like the God Rama . Right ? " she posed a rebuttal . In truth , Radha does not like Rama 's character . But Rama is referred to as a monogamist . That 's why Radha was comparing him to Rama . Her husband Satyannarayana has earned the name " good man " . This " good " refers not only to his behavior but also to his character . He never crosses the line in dealing with other women . He does not cast stealthy looks at them . Nobody has seen him fooling around with other women . There is even a comment that " Satyannarayana ? … He does not belong to modern times . " That is why Radha liked Kannamma 's words . The world would turn upside down if there were no good men , she said . Radha chuckled . Did the world remain upright because of the weight of Satyannarayana 's moral strength ? Leela quit school in the middle and got married . Radha went one more step further and did the same thing . They never forgot their friendship . The circumstances were favorable . It is over a year since they 've seen each other . They talked about a lot of things . Especially about their families , husbands , and how long one kerosene tin lasts . They argued about how many sarees last per year and which variety of sarees lasts longer . They exchanged views on how their children were doing in school and how smart they were . Until then they were frank with each other and talked without any exaggerations . " Do you think the first time he did it because of his stupidity ? … Radha ! I am not sure whether you are being naive or a moron , but you don 't know anything about men . They are not like us . They don 't think like us . If there is a man nurturing such moral values , it is only for want of favorable conditions , not because of his values . They do whatever they please . They don 't tell us because we can 't take it . Some one like you would suffer a heart attack . " Radha was not impressed . She was even annoyed a little . " Human beings form theories based on their experiences , you know ? You keep insisting that I should trust your word but you don 't value my opinion . There are lot of men who love only their wives and spend their entire life with only their wives honestly . " " Of course , I would . The world does not mean my home alone . Why would I assume that if good happens to me it is all good and if bad happens to me it is all bad ? " Leela was excited about the thought . " Radha ! Are you upset ? If you honestly say that you are that happy , wouldn 't I be happy for you ? Am I that stupid ? Why would I suspect everybody ? I was only making a broad generalization about men . I know your husband is a noble man . " " You don 't know . I don 't suspect him but I don 't trust him either . How can you call it a virtue when a man represses his wavering heart for fear of offending the wife ? To be frank , his heart should not think of another woman because of his love for his own wife . Why not ? Aren 't we living like that ? Are we short of opportunities ? Why can 't men follow the same rules ? " It is about a month since Kannamma came into their lives . She became a part of the family . Kannamma was taking care of all the chores . Radha was doing only cooking , just twice a day . Rest of the chores - starting from washing dishes in the eaarly hours , sweeping the rooms , giving bath to children , washing clothes , preparing the dough for the next day tiffin , . . there is no end to the list … Kannamma would do everything without a fuss and without taking a break . She would not listen to even Radha 's mild protests . It is getting uncomfortable for Radha to sit idly . She has nothing else to do except reading books . Radha has been passing on Kannamma 's stories to Satyannarayana , although not in one continuous narration , but off and on . " Poor woman … She suffered a lot . At least now she has landed in a nice place . . and she is so happy about it . . " A couple of times the milk she kept separately for Enkadu went bad . Then Radha gave away the milk meant for Satyannarayana 's coffee . Satyannarayana was not only not upset . He was very understanding . " It 's okay . Never the little child go hungry . There is nothing more sinful than that , " he said . Only Radha knows how happy she felt about her husband 's kindness . One day she kept coughing all night without sleep . By morning she was running temperature too . She was shivering . Still she got up somehow and started her chores . " Yes , ma ' am . I was hoping it would go away . I wish I had kept an arek nut in the mouth . All night I was suffering from fever and chills . I am still running a little temperature . This morning I noticed a streak of blood in my spit while brushing my teeth ! " " Shut up . You should never neglect until it is too late . I know a doctor personally . I will write a note for him , explaining all the details . Take it . If he suggests any medication , go to the drug store and get it . " Radha picked up the pad and wrote a short note for the doctor introducing Kannamma . " She is a very nice person . She has no one to turn to . She lives in our house . Please make time to examine her carefully . My husband will take care of the costs , " she wrote . Kannamma using her finger tips as a brush fixed her hair and put it into a bun . Adjusted her saree pleats . Took the note and said , " I will take Enkadu ma ' am ! If he cries … he disturbs … " " Why him ? A botheration ! He is sleeping like a doll . If cries I can feed him milk . Go . quick . " She said , giving her the directions to the hospital , other instructions and money and hurrying her to leave . Radha finished all her chores and was about to take a bath . The child started crying . She gave him milk and was walking around with the baby until Kannamma returned . " He gave me an injection . And gave me some pills also . He also gave me this note for you , " she opened the little knot at her saree end and gave it to her . She took her child . Radha went into her room and read the note . " I have to do a blood test . And take an x - ray . Until then I can 't say for sure . There are signs of tuberculosis . I am writing this so you would be careful . I will give her shots for a week or 10 days . I gave her some pills . Make sure that she takes them regularly . If it is not T . B . this treatment should cure her . Don 't worry . " Radha 's heart started beating faster . She couldn 't think straight . Suddenly she remembered the hot water she kept in the bathroom for her bath . She quickly came out of her room . " You had better be careful . Let her do all the chores outside but don 't let her come into the kitchen . It is better to be careful , " he said . It is easy to ask her to leave . But then where can the poor thing go ? We should wait at least until we know more about the cough for sure ! Radha made sure that Kannamma went to the hospital for the next two days . On the third day Radha received a telegram from her natal home . The telegram said that her grandma was seriously ill and that she was asking for Radha . The grandma has suffered a paralytic stroke about a year ago . Since then there were occasions when she would nearly die , would ask everybody to come and see her for the last time and then she would recover ! So Satyannarayana looked at the telegram and laughed , " it is not your grandma that is dying . She is killing us . Don 't worry about it . She will live alright . Let 's wait until we hear that she has really stopped breathing and then you can go . " Radha got upset . She was on the verge of a break down . Radha loves grandma dearly . Radha spent a lot of time with her grandma in her childhood days . She still wears the earrings grandma specially got made for her . Ticked off by his humor , she replied with a sad face , " Do you know how much she loves me ? If she doesn 't see me she will die for sure . If there is a train now , I will take it . " She looked like she was getting on the train at that very moment . Radha had to wait until the children returned from school in the evening . In the meantime she packed her luggage . She explained all the household duties to Kannamma . Satyannarayana will eat in some hotel . Kannamma has to cook only for herself . She made all the necessary arrangements . Satyannarayana put his wife and children on the train and told her , " Don 't you worry too much . There is nothing in our hands . What can we do ? … Keep an eye on the children … When will you be back ? " he stood on the platform and kept on talking . " Once you go there , you will forget everything else . If you return next Sunday that would be convenient for me to come to the station . Don 't extend your leave of absence , " he laughed . The train started to move . Radha 's heart felt heavy . She kept looking at her husband as long as she could see . Leaving him for a week or 10 days is not easy either . " We can not get leave of absence again . Next time we won 't be coming even if you die for real . Be nice . You might as well finish it now , " said the grandchildren threatening her . " That 's not it . Grandma has performed Chitragupta ritual for about 4 or 5 times . And so he is not going to issue orders anytime in near future . Let 's go . " " Stop . Don 't talk like that about grandma . She is such a wonderful person . Wasn 't she giving all the cream to us behind mom 's back ? And She used to give us rock candy too , " Radha said . " Grandma ! It seems you have a lot of money . Are you going to distribute it to all of us or not ? Say ' you won 't ' and I will show you my muscle , " one spunky grandchild said . " Okay . Let 's do this . In your name we all will perform rituals with a resounding noise . We will send petitions saying you are anxious to go . Okay ? Should we do that ? " After 3 days , Radha returned at noon with the children . Kannamma rushed to the door and opened it . " Ma ' am , can I get some water ? " The entire house was squeaky clean . In the past anytime she went away for a few days , the house used to be a mess . Now all the things are in place . " He left early in the morning , ma ' am ! I don 't think he will be back before late night . Sir is very upset that you did not return on Sunday . " She delegated several chores to Kannamma and she herself was engaged in cooking . She took a bath , wore a white saree , braided her hair and put on bindi . The children came in . She fed them in a hurry . It was 8 by the time she was done . " Kannamma ! Make beds for the children . They will go to bed early . It has been such a hassle in the train . Stupid journey . It will take a week for the life to be normal again . " " What 's the matter , Kannamma ? Why aren 't you saying anything ? … Look here . . Ho ! What ? Why are you down ? Did the doctor say something ? " Still Kannamma would not speak for a while . Then she wiped her tears quickly . " Sir is very angry with me , ma ' am , " she said . " Sir ? Why is he angry with you ? What for ? He asked you to do something and you refused or what ? . . No … Why would you refuse ? " " Ma ' am , this is my karma . That is all I can think of ! " Her voice choked with grief . Kannamma 's face was not bright as usual . Radha 's heart started beating faster . She was suspecting that something was wrong . She raised her shaky voice as she spoke , " Stop crying . If you don 't tell me , how would I know ? What really happened ? What did he say ? " Kannamma broke down . " Ma ' am , I swear on your feet . Please believe me . I am not a bad bitch . Would I betray you ? I did not give in . " Radha was aghast . Her entire body was shivering . Her fingers lost control . The maruvam wreath fell into her lap . She looked unstable . With difficulty she opened her mouth and asked , " What ? Giving in to what ? Why don 't you say what exactly happened ? . . Tell me everything . I have to know . " " I will fall on your feet , ma ' am . Please don 't make me lose the only support I have here . Sir is already very angry with me . He threatened me and told me not to tell you under any circumstances . " On Sunday night Satyannarayana went to the station to meet Radha . Usually that is the train Radha travels by . He waited until the train left . He returned , disappointed . For a while he wandered on the streets . He ate in a hotel . By about ten o ' clock he went home . Kannamma went into the kitchen , added yogurt starter to the milk and put it away . Made sure all the doors are closed , turned off the lights and went into the verandah and sat down in her bed . Venkadu was sleeping . She pulled him closer . As soon as she lay down , she fell asleep . She may have slept for an hour or hour and a half . Suddenly the light flashed on her face . She woke up as if somebody shook her . She quickly fixed her saree folds . She couldn 't exactly place the person standing in the doorway . " . . eh . . eh … " she started shouting . " It 's me … Just me … I want water … " Satyannarayana was standing there . He was in his T - shirt and lungi . Kannamma sprang to her feet briskly and said , " I forgot sir . The water jug is in the kitchen . " Kannamma covered the child well , and went into the kitchen to bring water jug and a glass and took it to Satyannarayana 's room . In the room light was on . The window panes that are usually open are closed now . The mosquito curtain over the bed is lifted up on one side . Kannamma , still sleepy , did not notice all this at first . Satyannarayana was sitting on the edge of his bed . She went closer and put the water jug and glass on the table . " Should I pour some water for you , sir ? " " I will get it . " He poured some water and took one gulp . He put the glass next to the jug . " See there . There is an amruthanjan bottle in the drawer . " " In this drawer , sir ? " Kannamma opened the drawer and took out the amrutanjan bottle . She approached his bed and was about to hand it to him . Satyannarayana pretended like he didn 't notice it and suddenly stretched out on the bed . " Come here . Rub it here . My head is splitting with pain . " " Bring him in too . You can put him there , on the other bed . Why outside ? It is so cold . Should I bring him in ? " Kannamma 's drousy drowsiness has gone now . Her arms and feet started shaking . She put the amrutanjan bottle on the edge of the table and turned around in a hurry . " No sir . You rub it yourself . I am going to sleep with my baby . " Kannamma was besieged with anguish . " Of course , sir . Why wouldn 't I honor your word ? If you ask me to do some chore , won 't I do ? Ma ' am said you are a good man and so I was feeling reassured sir . " " So ? What happened now ? You won 't be lacking for anything as long as you live here . Do you think that ma ' am alone made the decision to let you stay here with us , without my permission ? Do you want to go around begging from house to house again ? Listen . There is nothing wrong either for you or for me . What is it you are afraid of ? Nobody will know . I won 't tell ma ' am . " Kannamma was shivering . " It is not about knowing , sir ! Even if it is without her knowledge , no , sir . Ma ' am loves you like her own life . She thinks of you as a God , like the Lord Rama . Think of her face sir . You two together are like that divine couple , Sita and Rama . Why do you want a bitch like me ? I am not good enough to touch even your foot . " No need to be picky but Kannamma is not a head turner . She is short like a little bird . Jet black color . Small pox marks all over her face . Her hair is turning gray in a few places and is put into a bun , the size of a lemon . She has four rubber bangles on each of her arms . Her saree is dirty and even the white border became part of the entire black saree . Her body is smelling with sweat and the child 's vomit . Since Radha is not around to admonish , she is quite messy . Satyannarayana 's anxiety to embrace her is rising by the minute . He stood up . Although hesitant , he took one more step forward and quickly grabbed her arm . " I know all that . She is not lacking in anything now . Come here Kannamma . First sit down here on this bed . " He said as he pulled her toward the bed . " Sir , sir . Please let go of me . I am like a sister to you . Don 't ruin me . I can 't show my face to ma ' am . I will roast in hell . I am begging you . I 'll fall on your feet , " she said , pouring her heart out and falling on his feet . " Chi . What 's this whining ? Listen to me . Ma ' am won 't know about this . Trust me . Look here . Don 't you want to raise your son and give him a good living ? Don 't you want him to go to school ? If you stay here , you will be wanting in nothing . Whenever you want money , ask me . Should I give you now ? You can ask for money . Don 't be stubborn . " Satyannarayana reached to his pants , pulled out his wallet , took a ten rupee bill and said , " Here . Keep this . Will come in handy . I will give you more later . " Kannamma was standing there bewildered . She pushed away the money as if it were an insect and said , " If you have money , so be it . You have no right to pressure me . I don 't want your money . Nor the kind of education you are offering for my son . If I can 't live , I will throw him in the well and I will jump myself too . I am not a bad woman , sir . I am leaving right now . " She boldly pushed him away and walked out . She took the child in to her lap . " Darling Enka ! There is no end to our hardships . " She broke in to heartrending sobs . Satyannarayana was stunned and then came to the door . " Look here . Whatever happened happened . It is my fault . I didn 't expect you to be this kind of a person . Don 't tell ma ' am though . She will throw tantrums . Remember this . Not even one word to ma ' am . " He repeated and left . " Ma ' am , I don 't want to create problems between you and sir . But Gangamma has taught me a good lesson for keeping this kind of a thing a secret . Suppose I keep quiet about this . What if sir makes a move on me again and you see that ? What is the point in trying to explain then ? No matter however I try , will you believe me ? Now my job is done . You had better take care of your husband yourself . Keep an eye on him . Sir is very upset with me . You are the last resort for me . You are the only hope for me " . Kannamma 's voice showed signs of relief . Her face lit up . She sat there staring . Radha was out of her wits from the start . She heard her as if in a dream . It was like a terrible bad dream . She stood up without much effort on her part . The maruvam leaves spilled and fell a little away . She stomped on the leaves and kept walking . Her head was spinning . Her eyes could see only darkness . She felt the children 's bed at her feet and threw herself down into their midst . It was past eleven . Satyannarayana knocked on the door . Kannamma went and opened the door . He was walking looking down . Kannamma said from behind , " Ma ' am has come back sir . " He turned around with a sudden jerk , looked at her and again walked forward . He stood in the doorway . The room was dark . Radha was not on the bed . She was sleeping amidst children . Satyannarayana was hesitant . He changed and wearing a towel walked into the bathroom , took a bath and came back . He wore a lungi and hung up the towel out to dry . There were no signs of Radha waking up . Did this bitch Kannamma tell on him ? Oh , hell ! She can 't be that bold ? Wouldn 't she know what happens if she tells , after he warned her ? He slowly went and sat next to Radha . He touched her hair caressing . Radha woke up with a twitch . She was scared as if she had seen a ghost in the dark . Then sat up . Satyannarayana couldn 't make out the expression on her face . " Why did you fall asleep without eating . I dozed off . You should have helped yourself . Come on . Get up . Bring your plate . It is almost midnight . " Satyannarayana kept quiet . The baby was not the reason for Radha for not going near him . Did Kannamma tell her ? If she had told her , would Radha be this calm ? Wouldn 't she ask him straight ? Is she still worried about her grandma ? If the grandma dies , what should I do to comfort her ? All of next day she was the same . She sent Kannamma to the hospital . She talked to Satyannarayana as usual . The only thing missing was the smile that used to lit up her face . " Even if it looks better . . We can 't trust that . Who knows ? T . B . is not to be taken lightly . A very dangerous disease . And we have children at home . " " Why should we take such a big risk ? All you need is a maid , right ? For ten rupees we can get anybody . We have to consider our health first . " " So what ? If we have to make sure that it is not T . B . we need to spend another 50 or 60 rupees . Why bother with all that mess ? " Radha struggled hard to suppress a surge of disgust . She sat , holding herself steady and replied , " I gave her the job only after asking you first . At that time you have agreed to all the expenses . You even said that she deserves it because she was putting in her two pennies worth . You said there is no greater charity than feeding a baby . Why all this accounting now ? " " What do you mean why ? Where is the rule that we must support her . For somebody who works for money , what does it matter whether this house or that house ? She can earn her living anywhere . Why should we keep her in our house ? " " My children 's health is more important to me . I don 't have such a big heart as to welcome a T . B . patient into my home . " Satyannarayana stood up . They both were sitting there avoiding eye contact for a while . Then Satyannarayana got up and went to his bed . Radha turned off the lights and slept with the children . Radha woke up with Enkadu 's crying . She went outside and asked with concern , " Why is he crying ? I heard him cry at night also several times . " " Since last evening he is suffering from diarrhea ma ' am . Your son gave him a cookie . I let him eat . I think that upset his stomach . He has been crying all night . Didn 't sleep at all . May be he has stomach ache ? " Kannamma , replied with concern . " You can wash the dishes later . Pick him up and hold him for a while . Put him to sleep slowly . Take him to the doctor later . Don 't worry , He will be all right . You know children do get sick . " Radha said and went into the bathroom to freshen up . " Radha ! What is that pile of clothes in the bathroom ? How can I take a bath ? Don 't have the sense to keep the room clean ? " " I am telling you one more time . I don 't like having Kannamma around . Tell her to look for another place . Later today I will ask Appalamma to come back to work . " Kannamma looked at Radha dreading something . Radha turned her face away and quickly disappeared into the kitchen . After ten o ' clock , she sent the child to the hospital . Kannamma 's eyes started filling up . " Ma ' am , what is there that you don 't know ? I don 't have anybody . And the people I have won 't let me in . " Satyannarayana hit the roof . " Why do you love her so much ? What kind of a deal you have with her ? After all she is only a servant . Why are you so stubborn in her case ? I told you I don 't like her . Why can 't you let her go ? " Radha went out as if walking on air . Kannamma was holding the baby in her arms . She has the bag in her right arm . " Ma ' am ! Please remember me . I am leaving . " " Where to ? " The words came to the tip of her tongue . Radha suppressed the words with difficulty . " Kannamma ! Where can you go now ? It is getting dark . Why don 't you wait until tomorrow ? " " No , ma ' am ! What difference does it make ? Wouldn 't it get dark tomorrow again ? I might as well go . Take care of the children . " " This is my money . Earlier my grandma gave it to me . Come on . Put it in your bag . Be careful . Take care of Enkadu . Don 't forget to give medicine to him . " Radha 's voice choked . " Stupid bitch ! How can you live in this world ? " The words did not come out of her mouth . She wanted to tell , " No matter however much you face hardships , don 't you ever lose hope . " But she didn 't . She couldn 't close the only one way out for her . Kannamma walked past the backdoor . She looked piercing through the darkness as if she was trying to scare away . With the baby in one arm and the bag in the other , she kept dragging herself and went away . Radha clung to the door tight and broke into sobs . After a while she calmed down and wiped her eyes . She bolted the backdoor and went into the bathroom to freshen up . Come to think of it , what kind of a safeguard her own life has compared to that of Kannamma ? Is it having a husband who provides food and clothing ? Is it the support of a husband whose actions are unpredictable ? " Leela ! What a great person you are ! You can read people so clearly ! You said my heart would break if I were betrayed . You were mistaken in that one instance . Nothing happened to me . I am eating and walking around fine . But I must admit one thing though . This calamity did not take my life away but certainly created a commotion in my heart . Messed up my past . It opened my eyes and changed me into a human being . Leela ! if I don 't write to you about this disaster , I will be betraying myself ! " She was writing pages and pages in her mind . Radha got up feverishly . She turned on the light and sat down at the table . Picked up the pen and papers . " Leela ! I have come to understand the real values in my family life . My pride is shattered . I am embarrassed beyond limits . Leela ! I 'll tell you the truth … " A streak of anger showed on Satyannarayana 's face . " I know what caused this not feeling well . Why are you so worried about about a beggar woman ? " Radha looked up sharply . Her eyes were filled with infinite courage . " Beggar woman ? Do you know how she became a beggar woman ? She became a beggar by holding on to her integrity ! She became a beggar by refusing to betray my confidence ! If she were worldly - wise , she would have earned plenty of sarees , blouses , jewelry and much more . There are so many people who would put her on a pedestal and arrange education for her son . She cast out all that and walked away like a beggar woman . " " Who else ? of course , about that beggar woman . I 've told you her entire story . She came like a little bird afraid of the net the hunters are spreading around . I assured her that she would not be hurt here . She was ecstatic thinking that this is an ashram of gods . " " In fact she is million times better than you are to me . I married you in accordance with the traditional principles , I gave myself to you totally and without any reservation , stood by you in good and bad times , trusted you and have been sharing my life with you for the past 10 years . And you tried to commit a crime - an unforgettable violation of trust . On the other hand , that woman couldn 't violate my trust just out of gratitude . She remembered that I was there for her when she was down and she would rather go back to the streets than betray me . Who should I trust ? If I am a human who should I love ? Who is more important to me ? So far I have been seeing her only as a servant . I gave her a full meal . Gave her clothes . I stood by her when she needed me . All this I did out of kindness . But what did you do ? You offered her the place of a lover . You invited her into your bed . You promised her to pay for her son 's education and help her raise him . You took such a great trouble to convince her . If asking for food is " begging " , what do you call it when you were craving a favor from her ? That is royalty ? Manliness ? " Satyannarayana started walking back and forth in the room . He stopped suddenly and said , sounding sarcastic , " You said that she is a good woman . I wanted to see how good ? " " Why should she be a good person at all ? Is that it ? So what did she prove ? Very bad , right ? She did not surrender her body to your manhood ? So you chased her away . That is why you turned her homeless ? I shut my mouth and listened patiently as you lectured on health , knowing fully well that you were craving to sleep with a woman suffering from tuberculosis ; I put up with it when you said that we can not support her which meant going back on our promise to support her . Why ? For the sake of that desperate woman , for that homeless woman . But what could I do ? What could I do ? " Radha resented it as if she heard some horrible words . " Love ! Aha ! This love should be recorded in history with letters of gold . All the poets should sing in one voice . Aha ! Ha ! What a great love ! Probably your love would have doubled if Kannamma had agreed to your wish . You would have continued to play the game behind my back . All those looks , laughs , and chatting behind my back would have continued . Your desire for her crossed out your love for me . All the beautiful life we had together for so long could not win over one low desire . After such a big game behind my back , after I 've come to know about it , you still are asking me , " Radha ! Don 't I love you " ? I must really admire your guts ! " Radha 's face was drenched with sweat . The dot on her forehead started running down . Satyannarayana stood there fixed to the floor . In reality there was never such a horrible incident like this between those two , the husband and wife until now . Radha is not an angry person by nature . Satyannarayana also is a " gracious " person . Satyannarayana couldn 't speak for a while . " Radha ! I have to take it anything you are pleased to say . I did make such a huge mistake . But please be patient and listen to me also . Kannamma is never more important to me than you are . There is no comparison at all between the two of you . On that particular day nobody was home . She was alone . My mind took the wrong turn . I told her all kinds of things just to let me have her . All those words are just empty words . After I am done with her I wouldn 't have remembered a thing . " " Oh , God ! " Radha closed her ears for she couldn 't hear anymore . " Your perversion has gone so low ? That naïve woman took refuge here , thinking you and me are Lord Rama and Sita . I left town trusting you . Didn 't it occur to you that you should be protecting her with thousand eyes , the woman put so much faith in you ? Why can 't you see the other woman as a mother ? Can 't you expect anything else except the disgusting relationship from another woman ? You are known for your integrity and good manners . Aren 't you ashamed that you couldn 't protect a destitute woman ? You invited her , told her lies , was ready to destroy her … Oh , God . My heart is breaking into pieces ! " She broke into a fit of sobs , hitting her head against the wall . Radha never cried like this before . Radha was taken aback . " Sorry ? Who ? You ? Why do you keep adding to your lies and fall farther and farther down . Can remorse ask for revenge ? Will remorse make a devil of a man ? If you really feel remorse you would have fallen on Kannamma 's feet and ask for her forgiveness . You would have been grateful to her for saving you from your depravation . But what did you do ? " " Radha , I am not really angry with Kannamma . I was afraid that she might tell you what has happened . I wanted to get rid of her as soon as possible . " " You got rid of her all right . Has your crime washed away from your heart ? To cover the first mistake , making another is the right way ? If Kannamma gets tired of life and commits suicide , whose fault that will be ? Wouldn 't that be yours ? You will come to understand this tomorrow if not today . " Radha wiped the sweat on her face madly . The dot on her forehead melted and spread all over her face making it frightening . " I know . I know . I knew even at the beginning that you would ask for forgiveness at the end . " Radha looked up straight into his face . " But what if I were guilty of such betrayal ? Suppose I invited some peon in to our bed room when you were not around , and if you had come to know about it , what would you have done ? Should I tell ? There is no question of asking me . You would have plunged a knife into my heart and avenged yourself on me . By now my body would have been incinerated in some funeral yard and been turned into ashes and have been blown away by the winds . But if you do it . . I have to forgive you . What else a woman can do ? Why won 't a woman forgive ? My trust is not similar to yours . My pain is not like your pain . My heart is not like your heart . I must forgive you . How easy it is for you to ask for forgiveness . I would have believed you if you had come to your senses as soon as Kannamma said ' no ' , accepted her as an honest woman , and told me yourself all about it right away and then asked for my forgiveness . Then , then I would have forgiven you wholeheartedly . " I made a mistake in haste . That 's true . This is a mistake any man would commit I am sure . Am I not asking for your forgiveness ? " He took a couple of steps toward Radha and held her hands . Radha pulled her hands away angrily . " Let 's not prolong this debate unnecessarily . Your heart has changed the minute you invited another woman into my place . I cannot forget that for the rest of my life . With that thought in my mind , I can not prostitute myself to you . Familial relationship is a delicate one . It is a noble one . It should be cherished in that manner only . It is not a bullock cart to bring it back on to the tracks every time it slips off . Why bother about marriage when we don 't deserve it . Just like animals , the humans also don 't have the right to marry . " Radha spoke without faltering . " This is not anger . This is the solution for our problem . I can not think of anything else . " " For how long ? " " I can . What do I have in this life ? Who should I stifle my heart for ? But I am not saying that you should also adopt the same method . I will not ask you about your lifestyle . There is no need any more . " Satyannarayana tried desperately to speak like a human . He said in a shaky voice . " Radha ! I will go right now . I will search the entire town and find Kannamma wherever she is and bring her back . I will beg for her forgiveness in front of you . " She sat there like a figurine . Everybody is a gentleman as long as the days pass by smoothly . A person 's real nature surfaces only when he faces the adverse circumstances . Then it proves whether somebody is a human being or not . " Oh , God ! Where are you ? Can you hear my prayers ? Have you not created at least one truly loving person who would not stray from the right path at heart , in word and deed . Show me a husband who lives all his life only with his wife virtuously . I will touch his feet in admiration and consider myself blessed . " |
Almost a whole week since my last post . I would have written before , but I 've been completely caught up in the energies of the past week . So much love has come in , and thus so much of the old has been pushed out , that the last week has been a lot of silent breathing . When I woke up on the 11th to my alarm clock , no dreams at all came to mind . I had an appointment with the local communal office that currently pay my " wage " and it went very well . I let them know how I felt and we concluded that I see them again in february sometime . I came home around 4 or something , and had a chat with Ingerid on skype . We spoke about the day before and the energies coming in that was very obvious . I looked back to how I used to deal with feelings and realized that being vulnerable and in acceptance of whatever came was the only natural way to truly enjoy life . I had seen the deep feeling of hurt that was the cause of all my distrust , the sorrow that I didn 't trust love , and suddenly I realized that that 's what I had built my life around . A single experience had shaped most of this life because I didn 't want to feel it . Once I had felt it completely , I wasn 't bound by it anymore . . Because what I AM is constant , unchanging , joyous , then all feelings are just experiences . I AM is there as the space for all feelings to play . In the middle of the day I decided to go to bed again . I felt very drowsy and it felt like I could use some sleep . I lay down , closed my eyes and breathed while asking to be shown what was happening right now . Sleep came almost immediately . In my dream was Ingerid and John , sitting in front of me . Ingerid to the left , John to the right . I was at the back of the room sitting in a bed with the duvet pulled up . I felt the same vibration that I had had on numerous occasions before , but this time it was different . It started at the base of my spine and spread upwards , generating more and more pressure where my third eye is in my forehead . I felt immense pressure spots at each side on the base of my back , aswell as various points at my back . I relaxed slightly , and the pressure got so intense I was afraid because the pressure was so intense it was painful . Ingerid looked at me and said " Remember , it 's all you , " reassuringly , and I realized that I wasn 't going to die . I let go completely . The pressure built up and built up and when it seemed I was completely " full " in my forehead , I heard Ingerid say " now … " I closed my eyes . Suddenly there was an inaudible click , as if when a bubble bursts . I saw this circle of golden white light slightly up in my vision , originating where I felt the pressure . As the light spread outwards , spirals of white - golden garlands spread outwards . I just stayed still with eyes closed and watched . It was so beautiful I started crying . As I woke up feeling completely rested I knew this dream was one of those " in your face " significant ones , so I reached for my phone and called Ingerid right away . We were cut off immediately because Ingerid ran out of batteries , so I called John and told him about the dream . He said " That 's pretty simple . Your third eye is opening . C spot run . " I laughed and thanked him . It seemed to correlate with all the pressure I had felt in my third eye the day before , but since the dream it has only been growing . The pressure is there in each waking moment from when I wake up to when I fall asleep again . The first time I woke up on the 12th I was feeling really bad in my stomach so I got out of bed and stumbled like a zombie towards the bathroom . I saw a glass on the kitchen table and reached for it to put it in the sink , and instead of grabbing it I just slightly pushed it and it fell to the floor and shattered completely . I went to get my shoes and picked up the biggest pieces and threw them in the trash , then when I came to the bathroom I noticed an itch on my right ringfinger . I looked closer and saw a really tiny splinter that I managed to get out with my tweezer . I realized these moments were screaming metaphors for me and noted them to figure out later when I wasn 't zombified . I got the kitchen cleaned and went to bed . The second time I woke up I was feeling anxious and restless . Like something important was about to happen . I looked at the time , it was 14 : 44 . I couldn 't help but smile . I had some breakfast and spent most of the day releasing anger . I realized that every feeling of anger was slightly different , and I was peeling off the layers of defense that I had been so protective of before . I also realized that there was nothing I had to do . I was exactly where I was supposed to be , at precisely the right time . I spoke to John about the incidents that morning and he asked me what I felt about them . This time I decided to get really down and dirty with what my feelings told me so I decided to really feel the situation . The glass breaking gave me a feeling of the word " shatter . " Like something old was breaking . The splinter gave me some kind of annoyance being removed . I told John what I felt and he said that it wasn 't necessary to know it all unless the feelings told me , which made a lot of sense . It felt like my true inner voice was being uncovered more and more as all the stored emotions that was clouding it was being removed . The day went by with a lot of physical stings and pains , and I finally went to sleep late that night . I was with Ingerid on some farm during celebrations , and most of the houses had people in them who had not moved on completely . I walked with Ingerid and this girl into a building and suddenly I could see a grey woman walking around and a black shape walking above us , and I realized my seeing so clearly was somehow connected to Ingerid being there . I said outloud what I was seeing and Ingerid said it was all right . Suddenly we all hit the floor , I looked around and saw the entire room covered in blue paint . I looked at the girl and Ingerid and they were both on the ground also covered in blue paint . Then I looked at myself and noticed I was too . Ingerod told me there was always a trick , a key of sorts , to every instance like this . So we moved on right away , walked down through the open field where there was festivities . It was downhill and we were hurrying and my left foot caught in this blanket as I was pushing a trolley of sorts with a parasol in it . People behind me made sounds as if I were to mind my step as the blanked was swept under them but I didn 't mind and kept walking . We reached the end of the tables and the blanket slipped off my feet , and I was to put the trolley at a rest there but noticed it couldn 't stand on its own , so I put it against the hill so that it leaned in on itself . We went to the next house . We came in and Ingerid closed the door behind us . There was a creaking sound almost immediately , and I remember having heard that before . It hit me that I had BEEN here before . Ingerid took my hands and started swinging me around the room , and suddenly there was a woman there , She looked completely mad , her grey face was twisted in an expression of horror and anger . She had 2 knives in her hands , walking from one end to another in the room , then disappearing only to appear and do the same thing from another angle . She was aiming at me . After a few times of the woman walking across the room Ingerid stopped helping me , and I faced the woman and her knives on my own . She came directly at me no maI got up and put on some tea and called Ingerid to see what she was doing , and it turned out she was in town to do some shopping , so I went to meet up with her . As I got to town it turned out that we were all going to Ingerid to get the christmas tree and decorations ready . All of the soul family was gathered , and it was a day filled with joy and laughter . Truly beautiful . I asked Ingerid about the dream and she said it was fairly obvious . The blue was Mary Magdalene , so it was healing . All the people in the end was all the aspects of me , all the roles I have played , that came home . Sooo much is happening these days that all one can do really is just to be still , and allow everything to flow . Another week has gone by , filled with connected moments . Some days ago my mother called me to see how I was doing , and I told her I had become a spontaneous vegetarian and that my body can barely handle anything since the 29th . She immediately said " But your body needs protein ! " and I immediately felt this wave of resistance come up . After we hung up I immediately closed my laptop and decided to really feel what had come . I sat still and felt anger come , then a fear also reported itself to my awareness . I just sat still with my eyes closed and watched it . I felt my " I AM " presence tickle my arms and legs as it embraced my entire body , the feelings closely held inside the awareness that I AM . I let the feeling play out , and suddenly I realized that I was afraid to lose my mothers ' love . I looked at this fear , and at the same time I felt my " I AM " presence around it , and after some time the fear melted into this " I AM " and became that . I sat still and felt a bliss beyond words , profound peace in my entire being . I realized that this is what it means to go through emotions . This is a so - called release . Allowing yourself to fully experience the feelings that come up , listen to what they say , and then they will go and leave you in peace . Then on wednesday it was time for satsang with Ingerid , but instead we spent the day just hanging out . Ingerid 's other daughter , her man and their newborn came over so we were just enjoying eachothers ' company through the day . That didn 't stop the feelings from coming , though , and while I was talking to Ingerid this anger reported itself . I observed it and felt it like I had been the past days and suddenly in the middle of the aches and pains that came with it passing through me a core of comfort came up . I told Ingerid what I felt and she nodded and explained that I had used anger as protection . I had thought that it had kept me safe for all these years . It was so true . I embraced and met the feeling with love and then the fountain of anger seemed to intensify somewhat . Even though I still felt very present it just kept going and going , like an upside down waterfall running through me . We stayed till late that night and watched the movie " Pretty Woman " and then John drove me home . As we went out I saw the waning crescent moon shining its golden light through light clouds right next to a mountain top . I told John that I had always felt fascinated with the moon . He started explaining the symbolics behind the moon , and it was suddenly very clear why . The moon pushes and pulls the magnetic fields of the earth , thereby affecting our life here on the planet . This is symbolic to the fascination I have had with drama throughout this journey . It is possible to appreciate its beauty without being controlled by it . As we were talking our trip took us to a gas station to get some stuff for Ingerid , and as we were waiting for the clerk to get the items for us I looked down and saw a norwegian 1 , - krone lying on the ground . I picked it up and saw 3 crowns with 3 5s under them . As I showed it to John , he told me that it signifies a moment of freedom . I was being reminded of my true nature through everything around me . As we were driving out to Marens place to get some stuff the conversation went to the issue of my anger and the relationship between me and Maren . Maren had been a mirror for my anger for almost as long as I had known her , and various examples of my cat having pissed in in both my bed and hers were screaming symbolism to attest that . As I had been very much an effect of the circumstances around me and thus in a reactive state earlier it was very easy to put the blame outwards , and as John was asking me questions to narrow down my motives I recognized a panic well up . John picked this up immediately and said that the more uncomfortable it is to talk about something the closer to the truth you are . I knew that discomfort was my best friend at this point because it means my ego is squirming , and so we kept digging deeper . Eventually I realized that I had been going against myself to try to lull down the reaction from Maren . To lessen the anger . Suddenly we saw a deer through the mist of the night , and not just one , an entire family was out running on the road in the same direction as we were going . I noticed 7 of them . They jumped across the road one by one , but the last kept running back out on the street until we eventually passed them . This immediately struck me as significant , and John agreed . So he asked me what they were , but I was making things too complicated to see the simplicity of it . They were innocent . They showed me that despite what I may think , I am innocent and pure . The same as the symbolism with Mary Magdalene the week before . What had happened on the way home with John , both the conversation and the symbolism , had had a very profound impact on me , so when I got home I went to bed right away . I allowed all my anger to arise while still feeling my " I AM " presence . Ingerids words echoed " You still haven 't forgiven , or the anger wouldn 't keep coming back . " I had felt something shift today , so I took my time and thanked the anger for the experiences it had given me through my life , and now I didn 't need it anymore . I was ready to stand on my own two feet completely . That night I dreamed that I was driving my friend to school in my car , and it was a school where everyone carried guns . We met a short , skinny blonde kid with a machine gun who was really angry . He was also very triggerhappy , so he started to shoot after me . He hit me a couple of times in my upper body , just missing vital organs like lungs and heart , and he hit me once in the left part of my head . I walked up to the guy , and suddenly I had diced red peppers in my hands . I held my hands around his head and squeezed them together , and this white golden light golden light started to pour from between my hands all over him . He looked perplexed and his gun - arm twitched and I twitched along with him to avoid coming bullets , but he relaxed as fast as he had twitched , and I never let my hands waver . I saw the profound effect this had on him and said " This is who you really are , " and I closed my eyes . He lifted his other hand and gently opened my eyes . Then I started crying a whole lot , and I suddenly felt like I was dying from my injuries and so I tried to make it to the hospital . I felt I was about to die and I closed my eyes and gave up . I saw this gold - red - yellow - blue - green and white - all at the same time - light coming down in front of me , but nothing happened . . Then I woke up . I woke up as the sun was setting the following day , and I immediately felt some turbulence there . I decided to deal with all that was there so I firmly planted myself in bed and closed my eyes and just felt everything . The first feeling that came to me was this immense feeling of complete helplessness . Like absolutely nothing whatsoever mattered . I allowed it and embraced it and it changed into a feeling of such intense fear I felt completely paralyzed . Then I felt like I couldn 't hold on anymore , like there was no going back to the old ways . It was then I realized that this was all the feelings that I had covered up with anger before . Without the protection of the anger the feelings were free to come up , and I welcomed them with open arms . Then the feeling changed again into this shaky breath feeling that comes from having cried very intensely . I remembered having felt like that as a child , but not since . I faced that too with love and acceptance and decided it was time to have a little break . When I got up I realized I had been lying there for 2 hours . I had a shower and sat down to check my email , and the first email I read was " I believe God wants you to know " from Neale Donald Walsch . It said : This hit home so profoundly , and I realized that 's what was happening . I was stepping on uncharted grounds because I didn 't have my anger to protect me anymore , and it was okay . It is okay to let everything fall apart . As this dawned on me the tears came and streamed down my face . All the sorrow that I had never dared to feel before came , and it was okay . This is such a contrast from where I have come from it 's almost indescribable . I used to come from a place of not wanting to feel anything at all . I prayed so hard to be rid of all my feelings , and now I welcome them with gratitude and love because I know that I am so blessed to be able to experience everything that I have experienced . This very experience that I have is completely unique to everything in existence , and I am previleged to be here right now to witness it . The past week has certainly been interesting . I woke up on the 29th november , another 11 : 11 : 11 portal , feeling like complete crap . I had slept very uneasily , and my stomach was in severe pain . So I spent the first half of the day sitting on the toilet … Then when I finally had a break I had something to drink and then spent the rest of the evening , and night , kneeling over the toilet . Such a lovely night , emptying my bowels with 30 minute intervals . At some point I just lie down on the bathroom floor with a towel under my head and breathe while staring at the ceiling . Eventually around 4am I hadn 't had to " go " for an hour or so and I decided to take a leap of faith and go to bed . I brought a bucket to be sure , and water . Ah , precious water . I remember falling asleep and still feel my entire body vibrating with pain , like it was growing out of itself . Really weird feeling . My mouth would go dry every 5 - 10 minutes and I woke up to have a mouthful of water , turn over and go to sleep again only to wake up again after 5 - 10 minutes and repeat the process . After some hours I finally managed to sleep a continual 3 hour period and I woke up at 9am or so . . I had no intention of doing anything that day so I got my laptop , refilled my waterbottle and spent the day in bed . The day went by pretty quickly . I felt more grateful than anything to be done with what I had experienced the night before . I can honestly say that is the worst I have ever felt , and I 've put myself through quite a lot of painful situations before . The night came and I fell asleep around 5 am . At last I slept through the entire night , and I didn 't wake up until half past 1 the day after . I felt so rested , I woke up with a smile , my cats laying sprawled on the bed beside me . After some minutes I called Ingerid to see where they were , and we agreed that they pick me up in 30 minutes . It was satsang day , and I felt ready for whatever that would come . I had spoken to Maren the day before and I realized that I hadn 't let her go still . I decided to bAfter a while John came in with toast , and being that it was the first time I had eaten in 2 days I was very hungry but because my stomach was a bit rusty still I took my time eating . After a while both me and Ingerid noticed a dizziness , a sort of lightheadedness and heaviness in our bodies . She felt it very strong so we thought that she had taken in my energies . Some time went by and we all sort of disappeared , sat still and breathed for what seemed like hours . I asked Ingerid how she felt and if she was taking anything in , and she said that Mary Magdalene was there . It wasn 't the first time , in fact it was the third time that she had come to visit us when I was there for satsang . First she was speaking only to Ingerid for the first 30 minutes or so , then when Ingerid was given messages to share one of the first thing she addressed was our thinking that Ingerid was taking me in , which wasn 't the case . . At least not in the same sense as before . Mary then said that I didn 't need that help anymore , because I was so good at releasing by myself , which felt very humbling . She then adressed both John and me and talked about the intellect . She said that each intellect at each stage of its consciousness has a purpose . Nothing is " wasted . " So my understanding of this was that we need to embrace what we had done and learned with our intellect in the past and trust that because our hearts are now leading the way than whatever comes from the mind is inspired by the heart . During the channeling I felt this incredibly warm feeling . This warm , loving embrace that didn 't care what the circumstances were . Everything was okay , everything was okay . . This maternal , unconditional love . It felt indescribable beyond what I have said here . So much information was passed through by Mary that I can 't put it all here , but we all had a very exciting evening , and at the end of it we watched " The Game " with Michael Douglas . Extremely good movie , and so full of symbols . It really is beautiful . As John was driving me home after the movie he asked me what I thought the significance of Mary coming through so frequently while I was there for satsang . I tried long and hard to find an answer in me but eventually gave up . He said that it is of course she that brought the Christ , or one Christ to this earth , and so she is the symbol of purity . The fact that she is showing up around me means that I am " worthy . " Not that I 've ever not been worthy other than the thoughts I have believed , but now the reflection was bang in my face stating that I AM , in fact , worthy . This is very profound , was John 's words . I felt the same . After John had dropped me off I went to bed right away . I decided to bring my laptop to bed and I watched a movie and fell asleep . I woke up the day after as it was getting dark . I looked at the time and it was 4pm , so I decided to head to town to get some food . I was really hungry but the only thing that really appealed was salad , so I mixed some salad from the salad - bufet at the grocery store and headed home . The snow had finally reached the ground a few days earlier so I decided to walk instead , and it really was great to come out into the cold winter air . I came home , watched some tv and a friend paged me on skype and we started talking . She 's conscious in her ascension process so we talked about acceptance and control , and as I was typing it was suddenly so clear to me . Everything that we see in the outside world is merely the effect of the light that is already within us , so what is playing out is merely the " darkness " being pushed up by the light . It is already healed . The answer provokes the question , as Ingerid had said during our satsang the day before , it was all so clear to me now . That 's why acceptance is so important . A wave of calm came over me , and I felt completely content with the present moment . Everything that would want to find its way into my perception can do so , and I can accept it all in peace now . A couple of minutes later I hear a gentle clank of metal hitting the floor . I looked down and found a norwegian 50 øring , or half a crown . It has a crown on one side , and immediately it struck me as incredibly important . I asked to be shown the meaning and as I was explaining what had happened to John it suddenly hit me that the Emperor of my life had relinquished his crown . The rule of control is over . John also pointed out that the number 50 is the number of the perfected man , 5 being man and 10 being Source . I told Ingerid what had happened and she laughed and said that I had just crowned myself , but in a totally different way . It symbolises that I am now confirming that I AM all that is , also abundance on all levels . I am not the one that controls abundance on all levels , because I AM abundance , and now it will show in all my manifestations . I feel so in touch with my emotions . . With my presence . I feel like I am worth something for the first time in my life ! I just love being right here , and right now . I realize my life is one of service , and I totally surrender to let Source flow through me to shower the world with abundance of love and joy . The past days have been filled with messages , and I 'll get to that , I just had to get this down right away . I just read through some blogs that I 've been following , including Patrice Julien 's blog . I scrolled around my RSS feeds and hit a post by him that said : I AM WHAT I AM . This caught my attention as it came to me a few days ago when I was at Ingerids ' place . Also the past days have been filled with similar signs , as I 'll describe in detail . Anyway , I read the post and it talks about his experiences and that " I AM " speaks to us every moment of the day if we are able to listen , and he ends with quoting the song " I AM WHAT I AM " by Gloria Gaynor . While I 'm reading this I am watching the tv series " Two and a half men " which I find very funny , as I can relate to both Charlie and Alan . . And in the end , guess what ? Berta 's sister is walking around in the party they hold for Charlie and Alans ' mother , singing I AM WHAT I AM by Gloria Gaynor ! I was struck speechless . Okay so let me back up a few days . To the 25th to be more exact . I had another movie marathon of dreams . I had talked to John the day before over skype and answered via video . It was much earlier in the day so I was much brighter than the time when I spoke to Mooji , and John said it was an interesting metaphor for me having taken in much more light since then . So that night one of the " scenes " were me getting ready for a webcam talk and the room being completely lit . I felt that was significant and wanted to talk to John about it , but the chance never arose . The meaning is pretty clear though . Later that day I went to the grocery store to get some food , and since I couldn 't be arsed carrying all the stuff I was going to get I went to get a trolley . I had the key - ring - coin - lookalike - key ready , but it seemed the trolley I got to was already loose . It was free from its chains , unattached . Free . I asked to be shown the meaning of this , but I already knew the answer . It was very obvious . The next morning I woke up the first time feeling dreadful . I remembered having a dream , and the feeling of that dream lingered . It was beyond words to describe exactly how the feeling felt , so I asked to be shown the dream I had had . I usually do this if there 's any details of dreams that I 'm uncertain of , and they usually " pop up " almost immediately . This time , nothing . Absolutely nothing . Just that sense of despair , fear , horror and sorrow . A little bundle of love . I managed to fall asleep again and another marathon of movies had me sleeping another 4 - 5 hours , waking up at around 3pm . I was going to go to the store and get some more stuff that I had forgotten the day before , and when I got to the garage to get my bike I noticed that the door was already unlocked , so I went in and got my bike . As I was about to leave the garage I heard the sound of metal hitting concrete , and I looked down and found a key to the garage lying there in the light of the day . I put it back and went to the store , and encountered the same free roaming trolley again . I broke a big smile and took it to do my shopping , and at the cash register I had shopped for 144 NOK . 144 being the number of completion , I couldn 't help but laugh . I got a really weird look from the lady behind the counter , and I laughed even harder as I paid her and left with my groceries . When I got home and checked my computer John was online , so I asked him about the symbols , and told him that I felt that I was telling me that I am already free and that even the idea of a key to the infinite is redundant . John verified this . Friday came , and in the evening John and Ingerid was about to come and visit , when the " I AM what I AM " was very obvious . No coincidence that the divine feminine and masculine arrive in my home right after " I AM what I AM " either . Anyway , they were talking about their day , and explained that they had had some pretty heavy satsangs with some people who had passed on came through . We also talked about just how profound the new enThe next day , saturday , I asked Ingerid how they were doing , and she said that they had gotten many new insights and new understandings during the day . I was still feeling panicky frightened . I felt this uncertainty , like I didn 't know what was going to happen . It felt like I was completely letting go of control . . And there it was ! It was so clear ! What I was feeling was the panic of the masculine having to let go of control . I embraced the uncertainty , and suddenly a wave of relief came over me . It was so liberating to not having to try to control the future . This was what I experienced yesterday aswell . Ingerid explained to me that we are being made empty so that the master within us can come forth . Freedom is complete surrender , the sacred emptiness . . That is why fear and insecurity comes up when we let go of control . But not so much so that we don 't want to surrender . This was exactly how I felt . I rested in the moment , fell deeper and deeper into it . It was so liberating , with all its aches and fears bubbling while being completely calm and peaceful . Changes feel very much exponential . The more we free ourselves , the more darkness can be " shook up " by the light that comes through the next time . . Why worry about what might be , when it is exactly how it is supposed to be right now ? And so monday the 23rd November 2009 came . Me and Ingerid and John had agreed on this day for our satsang so that we could combine it with listening in to Mooji over the internet . Let me back up a bit first though . That night I had a dream where I was in the crossfire of guns , moving up to a really tall tower where people sat at computers and modified your existence . They provided me with all the money I could ever want , took a look at me and said " You need more mana . " They pressed a button and the blue mana bar went to the top . I told Ingerid and John about this and they interpreted it as me still trying to " fix " things , making an effort to acquire wisdom . Keeping things simple was the theme of the day . John had also received an email from the father of a mongoloid friend he spent a lot of time with when he was in his stage of releasing all that he had built up . He had an older friend that had just died , and his father wanted to know how he was going to tell his son that his best friend had died . The reply that John sent moved me to tears . He said that he was simply there to show this old man the unconditional love that he is , and that his purpose done , this task was over . I had tears in my eyes when I came to the end . We talked about so - called retarded people and how they are really sitting behind their own shoulders watching the world through eyes of unconditional love that few people see . They are living examples of how profoundly beautiful simplicity is . I finally received my paycheck around 4 o ' clock that day so we went down to the store to buy some food for the evening , and a 777 stared at me . I asked John what it meant , and he said it definitely was a validation of the dream . 777 is a 3 , the holy trinity . At the store we saw not one , but a total of 3 retarded men . . I was definitely being told to keep it simple . We bought some food , candy and then went home . We had a delicious salad and some ravioli while we waited for Mooji to come online at 6pm , and eventually he did . I had the same feeling in That night I am sure I cried 1 hour of " real " time during the night . I had several dreams , but one seemed more significant than the others . I was being chased down by 2 of my childhood friends , they kept jumping on me and hurting me and I couldn 't do anything about it . Suddenly we had magic cards in our hands , and they still kept hurting me . I tried to hurt them back and finally I managed to hurt them enough that they would leave me alone . When they did I started crying . I cried and cried and cried . It was like a bottomless well of tears . After what seemed like several hours I stopped crying . I looked at the magic card I had and it turned out to be incredibly powerful . Suddenly we all became our cards . I became this spider - monkey thing . I tried to tell them about the card , and when I did my voice sounded very weird . Frail somehow . I said " It has 8 . . no 6 legs , and 6 arms . " The spider - monkey thing started fighting this vampire demon that was one of my friends , and it was a lot more powerful . After this I woke up , that same sense of crying and panic still in me . I got up , fed the cats , had some water and went back to sleep . The next time I woke up I felt completely rested . The bed was warm and fuzzy , inviting me to stay there for the entire day . I lie in bed for about an hour , just breathing , before I realized that I had some stuff to do in town . I got my mail , and it was a letter from my old bank . They let me know that I was finished paying down the loan I had taken 2 years earlier . I broke into a huge smile as the symbolism dawned on me . Leaving old energies behind . It certainly felt that way . I felt this immense calm , and within that calm rested the feeling of panic still . Calm and panicky at the same time , who knew ? After that I went to get a wireless networking card for Ingerid 's computer , and the guy gave me a 30 % discount . Then I went to buy catfood , and they gave me a 10 % discount . After that I decided to buy breakfast , and even there I got 10 % discount . Some old beliefs about money have definitely been released in the past few days . I felt incredibly light , like I was just flowing through my surroundings as they appeared in my reality . Something has definitely shifted , and I am ready . Ready to let go of everything . Ready to be completely empty . Soooo ! Here it is again . So much has happened , yet as usual the outwardly action is limited , although it feels like it is picking up somehow . It " started " on the 11th november , which is a 11 : 11 : 11 portal , when the book " Before I AM " by Mooji arrived . It is such a beautiful read , I pageflip every night before going to bed . It 's definitely not coincidental that that book arrived on that very day . Then last sunday , Mooji was holding an online satsang that I " happened " to be online at the right time to attend . Right before it started Ingerid was visiting to pick up some DVDs that I had burnt for her , and as per usual when I am in the same space as her I was in a very good mood . Then it began . As soon as I saw Mooji with his red shirt on it struck me that I had seen this meeting some days ago , only I interpreted it as a visit to London . When it dawned on me all kinds of emotions started to flood through me . Anxiety , a nervousness , fear , it all came up . It felt like this was it . This was the time for my mind - made " I " to die , and I knew I had to face it . An hour went and I had made a few calls although none had gone through , and I decided that this was it . I called repeatedly until finally I saw the video initializing screen come up . Mooji was still in another call , and how lucky that was because I could not have said anything if I had tried . After a few minutes I heard the host of nevernothere announcing me and I just had to jump into it . I made this into a video and uploaded it to youtube , so without further adue , I give you my first conversation with Mooji . Monday came and I was feeling a bit restless , like something was off but I had no idea why . I had slept my usual 12 hours and I felt a bit out of sync that day . I knew I wanted to clean the appartment , but I just had no energy whatsoever to do anything . The evening came and eventually sleep settled in . I woke up on tuesday feeling very rested . I was supposed to have been at Ingerids for satsang , but she had sent me a message saying she wasn 't feeling good so it was cancelled . My cell phone is currently not receiving text messages except for immediately when I turn it on , and I had a feeling that it wasn 't a day for satsang , so I checked right away when I woke up to the clock at around noon . It 's wonderful being in a position where I have to set the clock if I want to get up before noon . : p I had one sensation when I got up : I had to get this appartment cleaned right away ! I put my laptop in the kitchen and started playing my youtube playlist of music . It holds just about all kinds of music that I have found resonance in depending on mood . This time it started off with a beautiful tibetan monk chant to set the mood , then it gave me Jason Mraz - All dialed in , a song that always makes me cry , and to top it all off , Portishead - Roads . . So while I was crying my eyes out and cleaning the appartment , I gradually felt more and more energized . Once I was done with cleaning and the long , warm shower , I felt great . I was feeling happy the entire day . That night I dreamt about Ingerid . We were talking about the connection we had , that 's all I remember . That morning Ingerid woke me up at 1pm and asked me if I wanted to come help her carry some stuff at her house that neither she or John could carry while she cleaned the appartment . I felt a tremendous joy and accepted right away . Ingerid came and picked me up a bit later . On the way over we were talking about Mooji and how it would be such an experience to go to London on one of his Satsangs , and it just burst out of me : I 'll buy all of us a tour to London to The day continued . Carpets needed cleaning so I spent hours outside hammering carpets , carrying various things , rearranging a room , only to arrange it back , and then rearrange it back to its original state again . I was clearly " chopping wood and carrying water . " We took some breaks to talk and have a bite of food during the day . During one break we were talking about spirit , which we always do I guess . . And I heard exactly what I was supposed to hear , as I always do . . Ingerid said , " Every answer is a death . " which hit home for me very profoundly . The past days I had been feeling like all the answers my mind give me , are so limiting that I don 't believe them . Even its questions , because they always lead to conclusions beyond the now . Beyond what is at the moment . The day came to an end and they drove me home late that night . I had a bite to eat , a shower and saw " The Kings of Comedy " on Tv before going to bed . That night I slept like a baby . This night I dreamt about both Ingerid and John . We were talking about the connection between us , and it turned out that me and Ingerid had been having the same dreams lately . The next dream I had was so vivid . I saw aliens coming to the planet , and a planet coming very close to ours . Aliens landing and a huge fight between the aliens and us . I was strolling peacefully through it all though . I woke up the day after feeling totally rested , and in complete joy . 10 minutes after waking up , Ingerid called and asked when they could pick me up , to which I replied right away , though John had to take Maren and her son home first . I went out to the road and waited for them and John stopped to pick me up . I was so happy to see them all , and me and Nathaniel were dancing to the music in the car all the way to Marens ' place . On the way home I explained my dream to John and he said that it was a realigning with my Self . He then proceeded to talk about the symbolism of dreams , that I knew of and that being the reason why I sought his expertise , but this time he also mentioned that the waking state is also a dream , and that everything is symbolic . He had shown me some symbolism in my presence earlier , but when we talked about it this time it felt more significant . He told me it 's all about what catches your attention , and listening to what your intuition tells you . I said that I could definitely use some help interpreting all this in the future , and he said that I should first open myself up to the fact that they are there and seek within myself first . The day passed and we got the rest of the cleaning done , which was such a relief . Ingerid explained that we clean our appartment when we have taken a step " forward " in vibration . . When the current state around us is of the vibration that we used to hold , it is easy to feel dragged down by your surroundings , which is exactly how I felt . The love we hold for ourselves is reflected around us . Puts cleaning in a whole new light . In the evening Ingerid 's other daughter , her man and their child came by and we watched a movie , then they drove me home . I was conscious just in the moment that the veil of sleep was pulled down , and with the last breath I felt the embrace of the formless . It really is indescribable . I used to have these sensations all the time , but before they would send vibrations of fear throughout my body , and I would shiver in horror . Now it is like the shell of my body is gently melted away to reveal the loving nothingness of my soul flowing out into infinity . I woke up on friday having slept like a baby yet again . It was around 2pm or so . I decided to go and make breakfast right away because I was very hungry . When I was done I reached for a small plate to put them on , and it slipped in my fingers and went for the floor . It hit the floor looking like it would break into 1000 pieces , but what was left was 2 just about identical pieces of porcelain . One had 2 red flowers on it and 2 yellow , the other had one red flower on it and one yellow . It iimmediately struck me that this was significant for me , so as I grabbed another plate and went into my room I asked for the meaning of this to be shown to me . As I got into the room John immediately logged on , and I asked him what this could mean . He said that I was breaking my fast . Not the normal kind around easter when people don 't eat for 14 days . This was a spiritual fast . I was not " eating of " the manna bread , spiritual truth . The flowers are a confirmation 22 : 11 , a power number . I googled the manna bread and got " 11th Heaven Homemaking . " John filled in that that was just a symbol of life , and that I was beginning to nurture myself , loving myself . Metaphors are simple , but we often analyze their meaning away . It is the inner guidance that shows you the truth . This felt very right for me , and I thanked John for his help and decided to go to town to pick up some money that a friend of mine owed me . She 's quite angry , and she 's owed me this money for quite some time now and I sent her a quite harsh sms the other day to which her anger flared up . So I came to town and met her where she worked and she handed me an envelope with the money and turned her back to me doing some work while we were talking . I thanked her for the money and left to get some food . I grabbed a trolley and got inside the store , and while I was enjoying the sweet taste of a chilled coke , I turned around and suddenly there was Ingerid 's other daughter and her newborn daughter . The daughter is adorable beyond words and her mother is a very loving mother , it was a very pleasant meeting . We talked and walked around the store for some time while we shopped and then we headed for the exit . I was so happy to see them and we both smiled as we parted . I took my shopping bags and headed home , but I felt the need to take a detour down to the walkway by the river . As I was riding my bike along the side of the river , feeling the fresh air and listening to the sound of gushing water around me , I suddenly saw a light shine in the middlIt all felt like it was me turning my back towards my anger and my past , and being greeted by my newborn love for myself , shining my light in the middle of the darkness . John confirmed all of it , and added : the light shines in the darkness and the darkness comprehends it not , which is a biblical quote . I should feel excited , happy , elated that I was getting things right , but it felt so natural . . like part of the flow . There was just acceptance in me , and a sense of being guided completely . Later that day John was coming to pick up some DVDs that I had burnt for them , but as he was driving here Ingerid called and asked me to come help her with one last thing , which I accepted gladly . I was sitting and writing this post as I heard a very unique cat sound that John makes when he tries to communicate with cats , so I thought he was outside saying hello to my cats and decided to go meet him . As I got outside it was raining , and I found shelter between the house where I live and the garage of my landlord . I stood there and suddenly I hear Ramses , one of my cats , squeak and I see him rush towards me . He is so cozy , brushing up against my leg and practically jumping up on me to cuddle . He 's a very loving cat but usually not this extreme . Suddenly he went out in the rain , caught something in his mouth and ran and dropped it at my feet . I bent down to look , and it was the tip of a flower . Such a beautiful love declaration from my Self , to my Self . John came and I told him what had just happened and how I felt about it , and he confirmed that aswell . Then he told me that symbols are everywhere , because life always throws an abundancy of seeds to make sure of its own survival , so if you 're completely open to this you will be bombarded . We kept talking and I suddenly realized that symbols are a kind of first - row in the flow of life . If you don 't see the symbols then they start to become silent whispers , taps on the shoulders , frying pan in the faces and eventually something terminal . John said that there was another even closer way , which is direct communication with your Self . This is where you receive insights directly through your being . I remember having these experiences too when I first tasted the formless . For 3 days I was " channeling " Source , and all I had to do was wonder about something and the answer came through my being . It is very profound because it sort of opens you up to the knowing of it , instead of seeing it through the head . We got to their place and realized that we had no dinner , so me and John drove back to town to get some stuff from me and the store . When we came to my place the first thing that hit us was the thick smell of smoke from my neighbour . John asked me who was smoking , and I said that it was my neighbour . I noticed her sitting in the kitchen and her door fully open , the entire appartment reeking of smoke . I said hello to her , and she replied that it was a very awful thing for us to say , commenting on her smoking . I had asked her to keep her door closed before because I have smoked for 12 years and I don 't want to surround myself with it anymore , since smoking really is an inner desire to leave this world . When I confronted her before she snapped completely accusing me of having an agenda and saying that it doesn 't smell like smoke at all . When she snapped I felt anger arise in me , and at the same time I turned away and walked into my room almost instinctively . Me and John talked about this on the way home and feelings of fear and anger came up . I completely allowed them to be there as we drove home . When we got back to their place I explained everything to Ingerid , including the previous encounter with my neighbour . Ingerid said that this is what I had been doing for so many lives . I deny myself in order to please others . I let others treat me badly , and instead of standing up for myself I turn the anger inwards towards , beating myself up about it . This was the anger that I had been taking with me from my previous lives . She also said that this was something that Shaumbra does because on some level we know it doesn 't matter , but it was time to reclaim our self worth . Suddenly I expanded beyond my body , losing all references of up - down - left - right , and a dizzyness hit me . I felt a huge wave of anger pass through me and vanish , and then came the sorrow . Sorrow that I had not treated myself with the love that is who I truly am . I suddenly realized that the highest purpose for me , the highest love for my Self , is always the highest purpose in any situation . I did not have to allow my neighbour to let the entire appartment reek of old cigarettes . It is ok to be true to myself regardless of how it made others feel . It is actually the greatest gift you can give . 4 Comments » Sooo . . Things are really stirring up these days . The things really started to affect me on halloween . It is also the day when the veil is said to be the thinnest between worlds , and of course it is , because we believe it to be . Very uneasy sleep , twisting and turning and no dreams pretty much sums up my last couple of days . Then yesterday it all started happening . The winds here are so extreme I felt as though I was going to blow away when I rode my bike to town yesterday . As I closed in on the store where I was about to shop I let go of the handlebar as I usually do , and suddenly the wind grabbed a hold of my bike . I felt the bike slip under me and a feeling like I had hit the ground face first and tasting my own blood arose . Without a single thought my hands went to the handlebar again and through what seemed a miracle the bike straightened up its angle and steering and I was safe . The bad feeling quickly subsided and was replaced by a profound sense of peace that I am beginning to be familiar with . Later that night I had a visit from one of my enlightened friends , and we got talking about being completely free , letting go of all attachments . It seems even though I feel very free and detached there are still things being played out that keep me imprisoned in my own perception . John asked me " How far away would you like your cage - bars to be ? " My answer came intuitively , " No cage at all . " John said that it is the same as being a little bit pregnant , not possible . You 're either free or not . There was a strong sensation that I wanted a partner for this life journey , and as we were talking about this a sensation of nervousnes , anxiety and tension arose , and at the same time a pleasant buzz . . I recognized it , because I had felt it so many times before . Every time I had the sensation of being in love , this had been there . There was a comforting sensation in it , and at the same time a sensation that all my efforts were leading nowhere . I realized that the comfort was my interpretation , and the feeling changed . It now felt like I was clawing at walls , frantically trying to get out . I realized that I wanted my freedom above anything else , and whatever pain could come . I rested in complete acceptance of whatever came , and the feelings came and went through the night , along with stinging physical pains and burning in my stomach and throat . I went to bed around 1am , and woke up again while it was still dark . I tried checking my cell phone what time it was but it had loaded out completely even though I had charged it that morning . After a while I fell asleep again , and I had some very vivid dreams that night . When I woke up at 11 I had to get my charger so that I could write them down , then I slept until half past 1pm . All my cats were sprawled around the bed , sleeping aswell . Even though there was so much emotions going on there 's a deep sense of calm and completeness around everything . So the full moon has come on the 2nd , and that is triggering its own cleanup of emotional blockage , then there 's the sixthUpdate : I just lost all my keys today . I 'll have to check the symbolism on that , along with the dream . They are definitely related . |
Almost a whole week since my last post . I would have written before , but I 've been completely caught up in the energies of the past week . So much love has come in , and thus so much of the old has been pushed out , that the last week has been a lot of silent breathing . When I woke up on the 11th to my alarm clock , no dreams at all came to mind . I had an appointment with the local communal office that currently pay my " wage " and it went very well . I let them know how I felt and we concluded that I see them again in february sometime . I came home around 4 or something , and had a chat with Ingerid on skype . We spoke about the day before and the energies coming in that was very obvious . I looked back to how I used to deal with feelings and realized that being vulnerable and in acceptance of whatever came was the only natural way to truly enjoy life . I had seen the deep feeling of hurt that was the cause of all my distrust , the sorrow that I didn 't trust love , and suddenly I realized that that 's what I had built my life around . A single experience had shaped most of this life because I didn 't want to feel it . Once I had felt it completely , I wasn 't bound by it anymore . . Because what I AM is constant , unchanging , joyous , then all feelings are just experiences . I AM is there as the space for all feelings to play . In the middle of the day I decided to go to bed again . I felt very drowsy and it felt like I could use some sleep . I lay down , closed my eyes and breathed while asking to be shown what was happening right now . Sleep came almost immediately . In my dream was Ingerid and John , sitting in front of me . Ingerid to the left , John to the right . I was at the back of the room sitting in a bed with the duvet pulled up . I felt the same vibration that I had had on numerous occasions before , but this time it was different . It started at the base of my spine and spread upwards , generating more and more pressure where my third eye is in my forehead . I felt immense pressure spots at each side on the base of my back , aswell as various points at my back . I relaxed slightly , and the pressure got so intense I was afraid because the pressure was so intense it was painful . Ingerid looked at me and said " Remember , it 's all you , " reassuringly , and I realized that I wasn 't going to die . I let go completely . The pressure built up and built up and when it seemed I was completely " full " in my forehead , I heard Ingerid say " now … " I closed my eyes . Suddenly there was an inaudible click , as if when a bubble bursts . I saw this circle of golden white light slightly up in my vision , originating where I felt the pressure . As the light spread outwards , spirals of white - golden garlands spread outwards . I just stayed still with eyes closed and watched . It was so beautiful I started crying . As I woke up feeling completely rested I knew this dream was one of those " in your face " significant ones , so I reached for my phone and called Ingerid right away . We were cut off immediately because Ingerid ran out of batteries , so I called John and told him about the dream . He said " That 's pretty simple . Your third eye is opening . C spot run . " I laughed and thanked him . It seemed to correlate with all the pressure I had felt in my third eye the day before , but since the dream it has only been growing . The pressure is there in each waking moment from when I wake up to when I fall asleep again . The first time I woke up on the 12th I was feeling really bad in my stomach so I got out of bed and stumbled like a zombie towards the bathroom . I saw a glass on the kitchen table and reached for it to put it in the sink , and instead of grabbing it I just slightly pushed it and it fell to the floor and shattered completely . I went to get my shoes and picked up the biggest pieces and threw them in the trash , then when I came to the bathroom I noticed an itch on my right ringfinger . I looked closer and saw a really tiny splinter that I managed to get out with my tweezer . I realized these moments were screaming metaphors for me and noted them to figure out later when I wasn 't zombified . I got the kitchen cleaned and went to bed . The second time I woke up I was feeling anxious and restless . Like something important was about to happen . I looked at the time , it was 14 : 44 . I couldn 't help but smile . I had some breakfast and spent most of the day releasing anger . I realized that every feeling of anger was slightly different , and I was peeling off the layers of defense that I had been so protective of before . I also realized that there was nothing I had to do . I was exactly where I was supposed to be , at precisely the right time . I spoke to John about the incidents that morning and he asked me what I felt about them . This time I decided to get really down and dirty with what my feelings told me so I decided to really feel the situation . The glass breaking gave me a feeling of the word " shatter . " Like something old was breaking . The splinter gave me some kind of annoyance being removed . I told John what I felt and he said that it wasn 't necessary to know it all unless the feelings told me , which made a lot of sense . It felt like my true inner voice was being uncovered more and more as all the stored emotions that was clouding it was being removed . The day went by with a lot of physical stings and pains , and I finally went to sleep late that night . I was with Ingerid on some farm during celebrations , and most of the houses had people in them who had not moved on completely . I walked with Ingerid and this girl into a building and suddenly I could see a grey woman walking around and a black shape walking above us , and I realized my seeing so clearly was somehow connected to Ingerid being there . I said outloud what I was seeing and Ingerid said it was all right . Suddenly we all hit the floor , I looked around and saw the entire room covered in blue paint . I looked at the girl and Ingerid and they were both on the ground also covered in blue paint . Then I looked at myself and noticed I was too . Ingerod told me there was always a trick , a key of sorts , to every instance like this . So we moved on right away , walked down through the open field where there was festivities . It was downhill and we were hurrying and my left foot caught in this blanket as I was pushing a trolley of sorts with a parasol in it . People behind me made sounds as if I were to mind my step as the blanked was swept under them but I didn 't mind and kept walking . We reached the end of the tables and the blanket slipped off my feet , and I was to put the trolley at a rest there but noticed it couldn 't stand on its own , so I put it against the hill so that it leaned in on itself . We went to the next house . We came in and Ingerid closed the door behind us . There was a creaking sound almost immediately , and I remember having heard that before . It hit me that I had BEEN here before . Ingerid took my hands and started swinging me around the room , and suddenly there was a woman there , She looked completely mad , her grey face was twisted in an expression of horror and anger . She had 2 knives in her hands , walking from one end to another in the room , then disappearing only to appear and do the same thing from another angle . She was aiming at me . After a few times of the woman walking across the room Ingerid stopped helping me , and I faced the woman and her knives on my own . She came directly at me no maI got up and put on some tea and called Ingerid to see what she was doing , and it turned out she was in town to do some shopping , so I went to meet up with her . As I got to town it turned out that we were all going to Ingerid to get the christmas tree and decorations ready . All of the soul family was gathered , and it was a day filled with joy and laughter . Truly beautiful . I asked Ingerid about the dream and she said it was fairly obvious . The blue was Mary Magdalene , so it was healing . All the people in the end was all the aspects of me , all the roles I have played , that came home . Sooo much is happening these days that all one can do really is just to be still , and allow everything to flow . Another week has gone by , filled with connected moments . Some days ago my mother called me to see how I was doing , and I told her I had become a spontaneous vegetarian and that my body can barely handle anything since the 29th . She immediately said " But your body needs protein ! " and I immediately felt this wave of resistance come up . After we hung up I immediately closed my laptop and decided to really feel what had come . I sat still and felt anger come , then a fear also reported itself to my awareness . I just sat still with my eyes closed and watched it . I felt my " I AM " presence tickle my arms and legs as it embraced my entire body , the feelings closely held inside the awareness that I AM . I let the feeling play out , and suddenly I realized that I was afraid to lose my mothers ' love . I looked at this fear , and at the same time I felt my " I AM " presence around it , and after some time the fear melted into this " I AM " and became that . I sat still and felt a bliss beyond words , profound peace in my entire being . I realized that this is what it means to go through emotions . This is a so - called release . Allowing yourself to fully experience the feelings that come up , listen to what they say , and then they will go and leave you in peace . Then on wednesday it was time for satsang with Ingerid , but instead we spent the day just hanging out . Ingerid 's other daughter , her man and their newborn came over so we were just enjoying eachothers ' company through the day . That didn 't stop the feelings from coming , though , and while I was talking to Ingerid this anger reported itself . I observed it and felt it like I had been the past days and suddenly in the middle of the aches and pains that came with it passing through me a core of comfort came up . I told Ingerid what I felt and she nodded and explained that I had used anger as protection . I had thought that it had kept me safe for all these years . It was so true . I embraced and met the feeling with love and then the fountain of anger seemed to intensify somewhat . Even though I still felt very present it just kept going and going , like an upside down waterfall running through me . We stayed till late that night and watched the movie " Pretty Woman " and then John drove me home . As we went out I saw the waning crescent moon shining its golden light through light clouds right next to a mountain top . I told John that I had always felt fascinated with the moon . He started explaining the symbolics behind the moon , and it was suddenly very clear why . The moon pushes and pulls the magnetic fields of the earth , thereby affecting our life here on the planet . This is symbolic to the fascination I have had with drama throughout this journey . It is possible to appreciate its beauty without being controlled by it . As we were talking our trip took us to a gas station to get some stuff for Ingerid , and as we were waiting for the clerk to get the items for us I looked down and saw a norwegian 1 , - krone lying on the ground . I picked it up and saw 3 crowns with 3 5s under them . As I showed it to John , he told me that it signifies a moment of freedom . I was being reminded of my true nature through everything around me . As we were driving out to Marens place to get some stuff the conversation went to the issue of my anger and the relationship between me and Maren . Maren had been a mirror for my anger for almost as long as I had known her , and various examples of my cat having pissed in in both my bed and hers were screaming symbolism to attest that . As I had been very much an effect of the circumstances around me and thus in a reactive state earlier it was very easy to put the blame outwards , and as John was asking me questions to narrow down my motives I recognized a panic well up . John picked this up immediately and said that the more uncomfortable it is to talk about something the closer to the truth you are . I knew that discomfort was my best friend at this point because it means my ego is squirming , and so we kept digging deeper . Eventually I realized that I had been going against myself to try to lull down the reaction from Maren . To lessen the anger . Suddenly we saw a deer through the mist of the night , and not just one , an entire family was out running on the road in the same direction as we were going . I noticed 7 of them . They jumped across the road one by one , but the last kept running back out on the street until we eventually passed them . This immediately struck me as significant , and John agreed . So he asked me what they were , but I was making things too complicated to see the simplicity of it . They were innocent . They showed me that despite what I may think , I am innocent and pure . The same as the symbolism with Mary Magdalene the week before . What had happened on the way home with John , both the conversation and the symbolism , had had a very profound impact on me , so when I got home I went to bed right away . I allowed all my anger to arise while still feeling my " I AM " presence . Ingerids words echoed " You still haven 't forgiven , or the anger wouldn 't keep coming back . " I had felt something shift today , so I took my time and thanked the anger for the experiences it had given me through my life , and now I didn 't need it anymore . I was ready to stand on my own two feet completely . That night I dreamed that I was driving my friend to school in my car , and it was a school where everyone carried guns . We met a short , skinny blonde kid with a machine gun who was really angry . He was also very triggerhappy , so he started to shoot after me . He hit me a couple of times in my upper body , just missing vital organs like lungs and heart , and he hit me once in the left part of my head . I walked up to the guy , and suddenly I had diced red peppers in my hands . I held my hands around his head and squeezed them together , and this white golden light golden light started to pour from between my hands all over him . He looked perplexed and his gun - arm twitched and I twitched along with him to avoid coming bullets , but he relaxed as fast as he had twitched , and I never let my hands waver . I saw the profound effect this had on him and said " This is who you really are , " and I closed my eyes . He lifted his other hand and gently opened my eyes . Then I started crying a whole lot , and I suddenly felt like I was dying from my injuries and so I tried to make it to the hospital . I felt I was about to die and I closed my eyes and gave up . I saw this gold - red - yellow - blue - green and white - all at the same time - light coming down in front of me , but nothing happened . . Then I woke up . I woke up as the sun was setting the following day , and I immediately felt some turbulence there . I decided to deal with all that was there so I firmly planted myself in bed and closed my eyes and just felt everything . The first feeling that came to me was this immense feeling of complete helplessness . Like absolutely nothing whatsoever mattered . I allowed it and embraced it and it changed into a feeling of such intense fear I felt completely paralyzed . Then I felt like I couldn 't hold on anymore , like there was no going back to the old ways . It was then I realized that this was all the feelings that I had covered up with anger before . Without the protection of the anger the feelings were free to come up , and I welcomed them with open arms . Then the feeling changed again into this shaky breath feeling that comes from having cried very intensely . I remembered having felt like that as a child , but not since . I faced that too with love and acceptance and decided it was time to have a little break . When I got up I realized I had been lying there for 2 hours . I had a shower and sat down to check my email , and the first email I read was " I believe God wants you to know " from Neale Donald Walsch . It said : This hit home so profoundly , and I realized that 's what was happening . I was stepping on uncharted grounds because I didn 't have my anger to protect me anymore , and it was okay . It is okay to let everything fall apart . As this dawned on me the tears came and streamed down my face . All the sorrow that I had never dared to feel before came , and it was okay . This is such a contrast from where I have come from it 's almost indescribable . I used to come from a place of not wanting to feel anything at all . I prayed so hard to be rid of all my feelings , and now I welcome them with gratitude and love because I know that I am so blessed to be able to experience everything that I have experienced . This very experience that I have is completely unique to everything in existence , and I am previleged to be here right now to witness it . The past week has certainly been interesting . I woke up on the 29th november , another 11 : 11 : 11 portal , feeling like complete crap . I had slept very uneasily , and my stomach was in severe pain . So I spent the first half of the day sitting on the toilet … Then when I finally had a break I had something to drink and then spent the rest of the evening , and night , kneeling over the toilet . Such a lovely night , emptying my bowels with 30 minute intervals . At some point I just lie down on the bathroom floor with a towel under my head and breathe while staring at the ceiling . Eventually around 4am I hadn 't had to " go " for an hour or so and I decided to take a leap of faith and go to bed . I brought a bucket to be sure , and water . Ah , precious water . I remember falling asleep and still feel my entire body vibrating with pain , like it was growing out of itself . Really weird feeling . My mouth would go dry every 5 - 10 minutes and I woke up to have a mouthful of water , turn over and go to sleep again only to wake up again after 5 - 10 minutes and repeat the process . After some hours I finally managed to sleep a continual 3 hour period and I woke up at 9am or so . . I had no intention of doing anything that day so I got my laptop , refilled my waterbottle and spent the day in bed . The day went by pretty quickly . I felt more grateful than anything to be done with what I had experienced the night before . I can honestly say that is the worst I have ever felt , and I 've put myself through quite a lot of painful situations before . The night came and I fell asleep around 5 am . At last I slept through the entire night , and I didn 't wake up until half past 1 the day after . I felt so rested , I woke up with a smile , my cats laying sprawled on the bed beside me . After some minutes I called Ingerid to see where they were , and we agreed that they pick me up in 30 minutes . It was satsang day , and I felt ready for whatever that would come . I had spoken to Maren the day before and I realized that I hadn 't let her go still . I decided to bAfter a while John came in with toast , and being that it was the first time I had eaten in 2 days I was very hungry but because my stomach was a bit rusty still I took my time eating . After a while both me and Ingerid noticed a dizziness , a sort of lightheadedness and heaviness in our bodies . She felt it very strong so we thought that she had taken in my energies . Some time went by and we all sort of disappeared , sat still and breathed for what seemed like hours . I asked Ingerid how she felt and if she was taking anything in , and she said that Mary Magdalene was there . It wasn 't the first time , in fact it was the third time that she had come to visit us when I was there for satsang . First she was speaking only to Ingerid for the first 30 minutes or so , then when Ingerid was given messages to share one of the first thing she addressed was our thinking that Ingerid was taking me in , which wasn 't the case . . At least not in the same sense as before . Mary then said that I didn 't need that help anymore , because I was so good at releasing by myself , which felt very humbling . She then adressed both John and me and talked about the intellect . She said that each intellect at each stage of its consciousness has a purpose . Nothing is " wasted . " So my understanding of this was that we need to embrace what we had done and learned with our intellect in the past and trust that because our hearts are now leading the way than whatever comes from the mind is inspired by the heart . During the channeling I felt this incredibly warm feeling . This warm , loving embrace that didn 't care what the circumstances were . Everything was okay , everything was okay . . This maternal , unconditional love . It felt indescribable beyond what I have said here . So much information was passed through by Mary that I can 't put it all here , but we all had a very exciting evening , and at the end of it we watched " The Game " with Michael Douglas . Extremely good movie , and so full of symbols . It really is beautiful . As John was driving me home after the movie he asked me what I thought the significance of Mary coming through so frequently while I was there for satsang . I tried long and hard to find an answer in me but eventually gave up . He said that it is of course she that brought the Christ , or one Christ to this earth , and so she is the symbol of purity . The fact that she is showing up around me means that I am " worthy . " Not that I 've ever not been worthy other than the thoughts I have believed , but now the reflection was bang in my face stating that I AM , in fact , worthy . This is very profound , was John 's words . I felt the same . After John had dropped me off I went to bed right away . I decided to bring my laptop to bed and I watched a movie and fell asleep . I woke up the day after as it was getting dark . I looked at the time and it was 4pm , so I decided to head to town to get some food . I was really hungry but the only thing that really appealed was salad , so I mixed some salad from the salad - bufet at the grocery store and headed home . The snow had finally reached the ground a few days earlier so I decided to walk instead , and it really was great to come out into the cold winter air . I came home , watched some tv and a friend paged me on skype and we started talking . She 's conscious in her ascension process so we talked about acceptance and control , and as I was typing it was suddenly so clear to me . Everything that we see in the outside world is merely the effect of the light that is already within us , so what is playing out is merely the " darkness " being pushed up by the light . It is already healed . The answer provokes the question , as Ingerid had said during our satsang the day before , it was all so clear to me now . That 's why acceptance is so important . A wave of calm came over me , and I felt completely content with the present moment . Everything that would want to find its way into my perception can do so , and I can accept it all in peace now . A couple of minutes later I hear a gentle clank of metal hitting the floor . I looked down and found a norwegian 50 øring , or half a crown . It has a crown on one side , and immediately it struck me as incredibly important . I asked to be shown the meaning and as I was explaining what had happened to John it suddenly hit me that the Emperor of my life had relinquished his crown . The rule of control is over . John also pointed out that the number 50 is the number of the perfected man , 5 being man and 10 being Source . I told Ingerid what had happened and she laughed and said that I had just crowned myself , but in a totally different way . It symbolises that I am now confirming that I AM all that is , also abundance on all levels . I am not the one that controls abundance on all levels , because I AM abundance , and now it will show in all my manifestations . I feel so in touch with my emotions . . With my presence . I feel like I am worth something for the first time in my life ! I just love being right here , and right now . I realize my life is one of service , and I totally surrender to let Source flow through me to shower the world with abundance of love and joy . The past days have been filled with messages , and I 'll get to that , I just had to get this down right away . I just read through some blogs that I 've been following , including Patrice Julien 's blog . I scrolled around my RSS feeds and hit a post by him that said : I AM WHAT I AM . This caught my attention as it came to me a few days ago when I was at Ingerids ' place . Also the past days have been filled with similar signs , as I 'll describe in detail . Anyway , I read the post and it talks about his experiences and that " I AM " speaks to us every moment of the day if we are able to listen , and he ends with quoting the song " I AM WHAT I AM " by Gloria Gaynor . While I 'm reading this I am watching the tv series " Two and a half men " which I find very funny , as I can relate to both Charlie and Alan . . And in the end , guess what ? Berta 's sister is walking around in the party they hold for Charlie and Alans ' mother , singing I AM WHAT I AM by Gloria Gaynor ! I was struck speechless . Okay so let me back up a few days . To the 25th to be more exact . I had another movie marathon of dreams . I had talked to John the day before over skype and answered via video . It was much earlier in the day so I was much brighter than the time when I spoke to Mooji , and John said it was an interesting metaphor for me having taken in much more light since then . So that night one of the " scenes " were me getting ready for a webcam talk and the room being completely lit . I felt that was significant and wanted to talk to John about it , but the chance never arose . The meaning is pretty clear though . Later that day I went to the grocery store to get some food , and since I couldn 't be arsed carrying all the stuff I was going to get I went to get a trolley . I had the key - ring - coin - lookalike - key ready , but it seemed the trolley I got to was already loose . It was free from its chains , unattached . Free . I asked to be shown the meaning of this , but I already knew the answer . It was very obvious . The next morning I woke up the first time feeling dreadful . I remembered having a dream , and the feeling of that dream lingered . It was beyond words to describe exactly how the feeling felt , so I asked to be shown the dream I had had . I usually do this if there 's any details of dreams that I 'm uncertain of , and they usually " pop up " almost immediately . This time , nothing . Absolutely nothing . Just that sense of despair , fear , horror and sorrow . A little bundle of love . I managed to fall asleep again and another marathon of movies had me sleeping another 4 - 5 hours , waking up at around 3pm . I was going to go to the store and get some more stuff that I had forgotten the day before , and when I got to the garage to get my bike I noticed that the door was already unlocked , so I went in and got my bike . As I was about to leave the garage I heard the sound of metal hitting concrete , and I looked down and found a key to the garage lying there in the light of the day . I put it back and went to the store , and encountered the same free roaming trolley again . I broke a big smile and took it to do my shopping , and at the cash register I had shopped for 144 NOK . 144 being the number of completion , I couldn 't help but laugh . I got a really weird look from the lady behind the counter , and I laughed even harder as I paid her and left with my groceries . When I got home and checked my computer John was online , so I asked him about the symbols , and told him that I felt that I was telling me that I am already free and that even the idea of a key to the infinite is redundant . John verified this . Friday came , and in the evening John and Ingerid was about to come and visit , when the " I AM what I AM " was very obvious . No coincidence that the divine feminine and masculine arrive in my home right after " I AM what I AM " either . Anyway , they were talking about their day , and explained that they had had some pretty heavy satsangs with some people who had passed on came through . We also talked about just how profound the new enThe next day , saturday , I asked Ingerid how they were doing , and she said that they had gotten many new insights and new understandings during the day . I was still feeling panicky frightened . I felt this uncertainty , like I didn 't know what was going to happen . It felt like I was completely letting go of control . . And there it was ! It was so clear ! What I was feeling was the panic of the masculine having to let go of control . I embraced the uncertainty , and suddenly a wave of relief came over me . It was so liberating to not having to try to control the future . This was what I experienced yesterday aswell . Ingerid explained to me that we are being made empty so that the master within us can come forth . Freedom is complete surrender , the sacred emptiness . . That is why fear and insecurity comes up when we let go of control . But not so much so that we don 't want to surrender . This was exactly how I felt . I rested in the moment , fell deeper and deeper into it . It was so liberating , with all its aches and fears bubbling while being completely calm and peaceful . Changes feel very much exponential . The more we free ourselves , the more darkness can be " shook up " by the light that comes through the next time . . Why worry about what might be , when it is exactly how it is supposed to be right now ? And so monday the 23rd November 2009 came . Me and Ingerid and John had agreed on this day for our satsang so that we could combine it with listening in to Mooji over the internet . Let me back up a bit first though . That night I had a dream where I was in the crossfire of guns , moving up to a really tall tower where people sat at computers and modified your existence . They provided me with all the money I could ever want , took a look at me and said " You need more mana . " They pressed a button and the blue mana bar went to the top . I told Ingerid and John about this and they interpreted it as me still trying to " fix " things , making an effort to acquire wisdom . Keeping things simple was the theme of the day . John had also received an email from the father of a mongoloid friend he spent a lot of time with when he was in his stage of releasing all that he had built up . He had an older friend that had just died , and his father wanted to know how he was going to tell his son that his best friend had died . The reply that John sent moved me to tears . He said that he was simply there to show this old man the unconditional love that he is , and that his purpose done , this task was over . I had tears in my eyes when I came to the end . We talked about so - called retarded people and how they are really sitting behind their own shoulders watching the world through eyes of unconditional love that few people see . They are living examples of how profoundly beautiful simplicity is . I finally received my paycheck around 4 o ' clock that day so we went down to the store to buy some food for the evening , and a 777 stared at me . I asked John what it meant , and he said it definitely was a validation of the dream . 777 is a 3 , the holy trinity . At the store we saw not one , but a total of 3 retarded men . . I was definitely being told to keep it simple . We bought some food , candy and then went home . We had a delicious salad and some ravioli while we waited for Mooji to come online at 6pm , and eventually he did . I had the same feeling in That night I am sure I cried 1 hour of " real " time during the night . I had several dreams , but one seemed more significant than the others . I was being chased down by 2 of my childhood friends , they kept jumping on me and hurting me and I couldn 't do anything about it . Suddenly we had magic cards in our hands , and they still kept hurting me . I tried to hurt them back and finally I managed to hurt them enough that they would leave me alone . When they did I started crying . I cried and cried and cried . It was like a bottomless well of tears . After what seemed like several hours I stopped crying . I looked at the magic card I had and it turned out to be incredibly powerful . Suddenly we all became our cards . I became this spider - monkey thing . I tried to tell them about the card , and when I did my voice sounded very weird . Frail somehow . I said " It has 8 . . no 6 legs , and 6 arms . " The spider - monkey thing started fighting this vampire demon that was one of my friends , and it was a lot more powerful . After this I woke up , that same sense of crying and panic still in me . I got up , fed the cats , had some water and went back to sleep . The next time I woke up I felt completely rested . The bed was warm and fuzzy , inviting me to stay there for the entire day . I lie in bed for about an hour , just breathing , before I realized that I had some stuff to do in town . I got my mail , and it was a letter from my old bank . They let me know that I was finished paying down the loan I had taken 2 years earlier . I broke into a huge smile as the symbolism dawned on me . Leaving old energies behind . It certainly felt that way . I felt this immense calm , and within that calm rested the feeling of panic still . Calm and panicky at the same time , who knew ? After that I went to get a wireless networking card for Ingerid 's computer , and the guy gave me a 30 % discount . Then I went to buy catfood , and they gave me a 10 % discount . After that I decided to buy breakfast , and even there I got 10 % discount . Some old beliefs about money have definitely been released in the past few days . I felt incredibly light , like I was just flowing through my surroundings as they appeared in my reality . Something has definitely shifted , and I am ready . Ready to let go of everything . Ready to be completely empty . Soooo ! Here it is again . So much has happened , yet as usual the outwardly action is limited , although it feels like it is picking up somehow . It " started " on the 11th november , which is a 11 : 11 : 11 portal , when the book " Before I AM " by Mooji arrived . It is such a beautiful read , I pageflip every night before going to bed . It 's definitely not coincidental that that book arrived on that very day . Then last sunday , Mooji was holding an online satsang that I " happened " to be online at the right time to attend . Right before it started Ingerid was visiting to pick up some DVDs that I had burnt for her , and as per usual when I am in the same space as her I was in a very good mood . Then it began . As soon as I saw Mooji with his red shirt on it struck me that I had seen this meeting some days ago , only I interpreted it as a visit to London . When it dawned on me all kinds of emotions started to flood through me . Anxiety , a nervousness , fear , it all came up . It felt like this was it . This was the time for my mind - made " I " to die , and I knew I had to face it . An hour went and I had made a few calls although none had gone through , and I decided that this was it . I called repeatedly until finally I saw the video initializing screen come up . Mooji was still in another call , and how lucky that was because I could not have said anything if I had tried . After a few minutes I heard the host of nevernothere announcing me and I just had to jump into it . I made this into a video and uploaded it to youtube , so without further adue , I give you my first conversation with Mooji . Monday came and I was feeling a bit restless , like something was off but I had no idea why . I had slept my usual 12 hours and I felt a bit out of sync that day . I knew I wanted to clean the appartment , but I just had no energy whatsoever to do anything . The evening came and eventually sleep settled in . I woke up on tuesday feeling very rested . I was supposed to have been at Ingerids for satsang , but she had sent me a message saying she wasn 't feeling good so it was cancelled . My cell phone is currently not receiving text messages except for immediately when I turn it on , and I had a feeling that it wasn 't a day for satsang , so I checked right away when I woke up to the clock at around noon . It 's wonderful being in a position where I have to set the clock if I want to get up before noon . : p I had one sensation when I got up : I had to get this appartment cleaned right away ! I put my laptop in the kitchen and started playing my youtube playlist of music . It holds just about all kinds of music that I have found resonance in depending on mood . This time it started off with a beautiful tibetan monk chant to set the mood , then it gave me Jason Mraz - All dialed in , a song that always makes me cry , and to top it all off , Portishead - Roads . . So while I was crying my eyes out and cleaning the appartment , I gradually felt more and more energized . Once I was done with cleaning and the long , warm shower , I felt great . I was feeling happy the entire day . That night I dreamt about Ingerid . We were talking about the connection we had , that 's all I remember . That morning Ingerid woke me up at 1pm and asked me if I wanted to come help her carry some stuff at her house that neither she or John could carry while she cleaned the appartment . I felt a tremendous joy and accepted right away . Ingerid came and picked me up a bit later . On the way over we were talking about Mooji and how it would be such an experience to go to London on one of his Satsangs , and it just burst out of me : I 'll buy all of us a tour to London to The day continued . Carpets needed cleaning so I spent hours outside hammering carpets , carrying various things , rearranging a room , only to arrange it back , and then rearrange it back to its original state again . I was clearly " chopping wood and carrying water . " We took some breaks to talk and have a bite of food during the day . During one break we were talking about spirit , which we always do I guess . . And I heard exactly what I was supposed to hear , as I always do . . Ingerid said , " Every answer is a death . " which hit home for me very profoundly . The past days I had been feeling like all the answers my mind give me , are so limiting that I don 't believe them . Even its questions , because they always lead to conclusions beyond the now . Beyond what is at the moment . The day came to an end and they drove me home late that night . I had a bite to eat , a shower and saw " The Kings of Comedy " on Tv before going to bed . That night I slept like a baby . This night I dreamt about both Ingerid and John . We were talking about the connection between us , and it turned out that me and Ingerid had been having the same dreams lately . The next dream I had was so vivid . I saw aliens coming to the planet , and a planet coming very close to ours . Aliens landing and a huge fight between the aliens and us . I was strolling peacefully through it all though . I woke up the day after feeling totally rested , and in complete joy . 10 minutes after waking up , Ingerid called and asked when they could pick me up , to which I replied right away , though John had to take Maren and her son home first . I went out to the road and waited for them and John stopped to pick me up . I was so happy to see them all , and me and Nathaniel were dancing to the music in the car all the way to Marens ' place . On the way home I explained my dream to John and he said that it was a realigning with my Self . He then proceeded to talk about the symbolism of dreams , that I knew of and that being the reason why I sought his expertise , but this time he also mentioned that the waking state is also a dream , and that everything is symbolic . He had shown me some symbolism in my presence earlier , but when we talked about it this time it felt more significant . He told me it 's all about what catches your attention , and listening to what your intuition tells you . I said that I could definitely use some help interpreting all this in the future , and he said that I should first open myself up to the fact that they are there and seek within myself first . The day passed and we got the rest of the cleaning done , which was such a relief . Ingerid explained that we clean our appartment when we have taken a step " forward " in vibration . . When the current state around us is of the vibration that we used to hold , it is easy to feel dragged down by your surroundings , which is exactly how I felt . The love we hold for ourselves is reflected around us . Puts cleaning in a whole new light . In the evening Ingerid 's other daughter , her man and their child came by and we watched a movie , then they drove me home . I was conscious just in the moment that the veil of sleep was pulled down , and with the last breath I felt the embrace of the formless . It really is indescribable . I used to have these sensations all the time , but before they would send vibrations of fear throughout my body , and I would shiver in horror . Now it is like the shell of my body is gently melted away to reveal the loving nothingness of my soul flowing out into infinity . I woke up on friday having slept like a baby yet again . It was around 2pm or so . I decided to go and make breakfast right away because I was very hungry . When I was done I reached for a small plate to put them on , and it slipped in my fingers and went for the floor . It hit the floor looking like it would break into 1000 pieces , but what was left was 2 just about identical pieces of porcelain . One had 2 red flowers on it and 2 yellow , the other had one red flower on it and one yellow . It iimmediately struck me that this was significant for me , so as I grabbed another plate and went into my room I asked for the meaning of this to be shown to me . As I got into the room John immediately logged on , and I asked him what this could mean . He said that I was breaking my fast . Not the normal kind around easter when people don 't eat for 14 days . This was a spiritual fast . I was not " eating of " the manna bread , spiritual truth . The flowers are a confirmation 22 : 11 , a power number . I googled the manna bread and got " 11th Heaven Homemaking . " John filled in that that was just a symbol of life , and that I was beginning to nurture myself , loving myself . Metaphors are simple , but we often analyze their meaning away . It is the inner guidance that shows you the truth . This felt very right for me , and I thanked John for his help and decided to go to town to pick up some money that a friend of mine owed me . She 's quite angry , and she 's owed me this money for quite some time now and I sent her a quite harsh sms the other day to which her anger flared up . So I came to town and met her where she worked and she handed me an envelope with the money and turned her back to me doing some work while we were talking . I thanked her for the money and left to get some food . I grabbed a trolley and got inside the store , and while I was enjoying the sweet taste of a chilled coke , I turned around and suddenly there was Ingerid 's other daughter and her newborn daughter . The daughter is adorable beyond words and her mother is a very loving mother , it was a very pleasant meeting . We talked and walked around the store for some time while we shopped and then we headed for the exit . I was so happy to see them and we both smiled as we parted . I took my shopping bags and headed home , but I felt the need to take a detour down to the walkway by the river . As I was riding my bike along the side of the river , feeling the fresh air and listening to the sound of gushing water around me , I suddenly saw a light shine in the middlIt all felt like it was me turning my back towards my anger and my past , and being greeted by my newborn love for myself , shining my light in the middle of the darkness . John confirmed all of it , and added : the light shines in the darkness and the darkness comprehends it not , which is a biblical quote . I should feel excited , happy , elated that I was getting things right , but it felt so natural . . like part of the flow . There was just acceptance in me , and a sense of being guided completely . Later that day John was coming to pick up some DVDs that I had burnt for them , but as he was driving here Ingerid called and asked me to come help her with one last thing , which I accepted gladly . I was sitting and writing this post as I heard a very unique cat sound that John makes when he tries to communicate with cats , so I thought he was outside saying hello to my cats and decided to go meet him . As I got outside it was raining , and I found shelter between the house where I live and the garage of my landlord . I stood there and suddenly I hear Ramses , one of my cats , squeak and I see him rush towards me . He is so cozy , brushing up against my leg and practically jumping up on me to cuddle . He 's a very loving cat but usually not this extreme . Suddenly he went out in the rain , caught something in his mouth and ran and dropped it at my feet . I bent down to look , and it was the tip of a flower . Such a beautiful love declaration from my Self , to my Self . John came and I told him what had just happened and how I felt about it , and he confirmed that aswell . Then he told me that symbols are everywhere , because life always throws an abundancy of seeds to make sure of its own survival , so if you 're completely open to this you will be bombarded . We kept talking and I suddenly realized that symbols are a kind of first - row in the flow of life . If you don 't see the symbols then they start to become silent whispers , taps on the shoulders , frying pan in the faces and eventually something terminal . John said that there was another even closer way , which is direct communication with your Self . This is where you receive insights directly through your being . I remember having these experiences too when I first tasted the formless . For 3 days I was " channeling " Source , and all I had to do was wonder about something and the answer came through my being . It is very profound because it sort of opens you up to the knowing of it , instead of seeing it through the head . We got to their place and realized that we had no dinner , so me and John drove back to town to get some stuff from me and the store . When we came to my place the first thing that hit us was the thick smell of smoke from my neighbour . John asked me who was smoking , and I said that it was my neighbour . I noticed her sitting in the kitchen and her door fully open , the entire appartment reeking of smoke . I said hello to her , and she replied that it was a very awful thing for us to say , commenting on her smoking . I had asked her to keep her door closed before because I have smoked for 12 years and I don 't want to surround myself with it anymore , since smoking really is an inner desire to leave this world . When I confronted her before she snapped completely accusing me of having an agenda and saying that it doesn 't smell like smoke at all . When she snapped I felt anger arise in me , and at the same time I turned away and walked into my room almost instinctively . Me and John talked about this on the way home and feelings of fear and anger came up . I completely allowed them to be there as we drove home . When we got back to their place I explained everything to Ingerid , including the previous encounter with my neighbour . Ingerid said that this is what I had been doing for so many lives . I deny myself in order to please others . I let others treat me badly , and instead of standing up for myself I turn the anger inwards towards , beating myself up about it . This was the anger that I had been taking with me from my previous lives . She also said that this was something that Shaumbra does because on some level we know it doesn 't matter , but it was time to reclaim our self worth . Suddenly I expanded beyond my body , losing all references of up - down - left - right , and a dizzyness hit me . I felt a huge wave of anger pass through me and vanish , and then came the sorrow . Sorrow that I had not treated myself with the love that is who I truly am . I suddenly realized that the highest purpose for me , the highest love for my Self , is always the highest purpose in any situation . I did not have to allow my neighbour to let the entire appartment reek of old cigarettes . It is ok to be true to myself regardless of how it made others feel . It is actually the greatest gift you can give . 4 Comments » Sooo . . Things are really stirring up these days . The things really started to affect me on halloween . It is also the day when the veil is said to be the thinnest between worlds , and of course it is , because we believe it to be . Very uneasy sleep , twisting and turning and no dreams pretty much sums up my last couple of days . Then yesterday it all started happening . The winds here are so extreme I felt as though I was going to blow away when I rode my bike to town yesterday . As I closed in on the store where I was about to shop I let go of the handlebar as I usually do , and suddenly the wind grabbed a hold of my bike . I felt the bike slip under me and a feeling like I had hit the ground face first and tasting my own blood arose . Without a single thought my hands went to the handlebar again and through what seemed a miracle the bike straightened up its angle and steering and I was safe . The bad feeling quickly subsided and was replaced by a profound sense of peace that I am beginning to be familiar with . Later that night I had a visit from one of my enlightened friends , and we got talking about being completely free , letting go of all attachments . It seems even though I feel very free and detached there are still things being played out that keep me imprisoned in my own perception . John asked me " How far away would you like your cage - bars to be ? " My answer came intuitively , " No cage at all . " John said that it is the same as being a little bit pregnant , not possible . You 're either free or not . There was a strong sensation that I wanted a partner for this life journey , and as we were talking about this a sensation of nervousnes , anxiety and tension arose , and at the same time a pleasant buzz . . I recognized it , because I had felt it so many times before . Every time I had the sensation of being in love , this had been there . There was a comforting sensation in it , and at the same time a sensation that all my efforts were leading nowhere . I realized that the comfort was my interpretation , and the feeling changed . It now felt like I was clawing at walls , frantically trying to get out . I realized that I wanted my freedom above anything else , and whatever pain could come . I rested in complete acceptance of whatever came , and the feelings came and went through the night , along with stinging physical pains and burning in my stomach and throat . I went to bed around 1am , and woke up again while it was still dark . I tried checking my cell phone what time it was but it had loaded out completely even though I had charged it that morning . After a while I fell asleep again , and I had some very vivid dreams that night . When I woke up at 11 I had to get my charger so that I could write them down , then I slept until half past 1pm . All my cats were sprawled around the bed , sleeping aswell . Even though there was so much emotions going on there 's a deep sense of calm and completeness around everything . So the full moon has come on the 2nd , and that is triggering its own cleanup of emotional blockage , then there 's the sixthUpdate : I just lost all my keys today . I 'll have to check the symbolism on that , along with the dream . They are definitely related . |
Almost a whole week since my last post . I would have written before , but I 've been completely caught up in the energies of the past week . So much love has come in , and thus so much of the old has been pushed out , that the last week has been a lot of silent breathing . When I woke up on the 11th to my alarm clock , no dreams at all came to mind . I had an appointment with the local communal office that currently pay my " wage " and it went very well . I let them know how I felt and we concluded that I see them again in february sometime . I came home around 4 or something , and had a chat with Ingerid on skype . We spoke about the day before and the energies coming in that was very obvious . I looked back to how I used to deal with feelings and realized that being vulnerable and in acceptance of whatever came was the only natural way to truly enjoy life . I had seen the deep feeling of hurt that was the cause of all my distrust , the sorrow that I didn 't trust love , and suddenly I realized that that 's what I had built my life around . A single experience had shaped most of this life because I didn 't want to feel it . Once I had felt it completely , I wasn 't bound by it anymore . . Because what I AM is constant , unchanging , joyous , then all feelings are just experiences . I AM is there as the space for all feelings to play . In the middle of the day I decided to go to bed again . I felt very drowsy and it felt like I could use some sleep . I lay down , closed my eyes and breathed while asking to be shown what was happening right now . Sleep came almost immediately . In my dream was Ingerid and John , sitting in front of me . Ingerid to the left , John to the right . I was at the back of the room sitting in a bed with the duvet pulled up . I felt the same vibration that I had had on numerous occasions before , but this time it was different . It started at the base of my spine and spread upwards , generating more and more pressure where my third eye is in my forehead . I felt immense pressure spots at each side on the base of my back , aswell as various points at my back . I relaxed slightly , and the pressure got so intense I was afraid because the pressure was so intense it was painful . Ingerid looked at me and said " Remember , it 's all you , " reassuringly , and I realized that I wasn 't going to die . I let go completely . The pressure built up and built up and when it seemed I was completely " full " in my forehead , I heard Ingerid say " now … " I closed my eyes . Suddenly there was an inaudible click , as if when a bubble bursts . I saw this circle of golden white light slightly up in my vision , originating where I felt the pressure . As the light spread outwards , spirals of white - golden garlands spread outwards . I just stayed still with eyes closed and watched . It was so beautiful I started crying . As I woke up feeling completely rested I knew this dream was one of those " in your face " significant ones , so I reached for my phone and called Ingerid right away . We were cut off immediately because Ingerid ran out of batteries , so I called John and told him about the dream . He said " That 's pretty simple . Your third eye is opening . C spot run . " I laughed and thanked him . It seemed to correlate with all the pressure I had felt in my third eye the day before , but since the dream it has only been growing . The pressure is there in each waking moment from when I wake up to when I fall asleep again . The first time I woke up on the 12th I was feeling really bad in my stomach so I got out of bed and stumbled like a zombie towards the bathroom . I saw a glass on the kitchen table and reached for it to put it in the sink , and instead of grabbing it I just slightly pushed it and it fell to the floor and shattered completely . I went to get my shoes and picked up the biggest pieces and threw them in the trash , then when I came to the bathroom I noticed an itch on my right ringfinger . I looked closer and saw a really tiny splinter that I managed to get out with my tweezer . I realized these moments were screaming metaphors for me and noted them to figure out later when I wasn 't zombified . I got the kitchen cleaned and went to bed . The second time I woke up I was feeling anxious and restless . Like something important was about to happen . I looked at the time , it was 14 : 44 . I couldn 't help but smile . I had some breakfast and spent most of the day releasing anger . I realized that every feeling of anger was slightly different , and I was peeling off the layers of defense that I had been so protective of before . I also realized that there was nothing I had to do . I was exactly where I was supposed to be , at precisely the right time . I spoke to John about the incidents that morning and he asked me what I felt about them . This time I decided to get really down and dirty with what my feelings told me so I decided to really feel the situation . The glass breaking gave me a feeling of the word " shatter . " Like something old was breaking . The splinter gave me some kind of annoyance being removed . I told John what I felt and he said that it wasn 't necessary to know it all unless the feelings told me , which made a lot of sense . It felt like my true inner voice was being uncovered more and more as all the stored emotions that was clouding it was being removed . The day went by with a lot of physical stings and pains , and I finally went to sleep late that night . I was with Ingerid on some farm during celebrations , and most of the houses had people in them who had not moved on completely . I walked with Ingerid and this girl into a building and suddenly I could see a grey woman walking around and a black shape walking above us , and I realized my seeing so clearly was somehow connected to Ingerid being there . I said outloud what I was seeing and Ingerid said it was all right . Suddenly we all hit the floor , I looked around and saw the entire room covered in blue paint . I looked at the girl and Ingerid and they were both on the ground also covered in blue paint . Then I looked at myself and noticed I was too . Ingerod told me there was always a trick , a key of sorts , to every instance like this . So we moved on right away , walked down through the open field where there was festivities . It was downhill and we were hurrying and my left foot caught in this blanket as I was pushing a trolley of sorts with a parasol in it . People behind me made sounds as if I were to mind my step as the blanked was swept under them but I didn 't mind and kept walking . We reached the end of the tables and the blanket slipped off my feet , and I was to put the trolley at a rest there but noticed it couldn 't stand on its own , so I put it against the hill so that it leaned in on itself . We went to the next house . We came in and Ingerid closed the door behind us . There was a creaking sound almost immediately , and I remember having heard that before . It hit me that I had BEEN here before . Ingerid took my hands and started swinging me around the room , and suddenly there was a woman there , She looked completely mad , her grey face was twisted in an expression of horror and anger . She had 2 knives in her hands , walking from one end to another in the room , then disappearing only to appear and do the same thing from another angle . She was aiming at me . After a few times of the woman walking across the room Ingerid stopped helping me , and I faced the woman and her knives on my own . She came directly at me no maI got up and put on some tea and called Ingerid to see what she was doing , and it turned out she was in town to do some shopping , so I went to meet up with her . As I got to town it turned out that we were all going to Ingerid to get the christmas tree and decorations ready . All of the soul family was gathered , and it was a day filled with joy and laughter . Truly beautiful . I asked Ingerid about the dream and she said it was fairly obvious . The blue was Mary Magdalene , so it was healing . All the people in the end was all the aspects of me , all the roles I have played , that came home . Sooo much is happening these days that all one can do really is just to be still , and allow everything to flow . Another week has gone by , filled with connected moments . Some days ago my mother called me to see how I was doing , and I told her I had become a spontaneous vegetarian and that my body can barely handle anything since the 29th . She immediately said " But your body needs protein ! " and I immediately felt this wave of resistance come up . After we hung up I immediately closed my laptop and decided to really feel what had come . I sat still and felt anger come , then a fear also reported itself to my awareness . I just sat still with my eyes closed and watched it . I felt my " I AM " presence tickle my arms and legs as it embraced my entire body , the feelings closely held inside the awareness that I AM . I let the feeling play out , and suddenly I realized that I was afraid to lose my mothers ' love . I looked at this fear , and at the same time I felt my " I AM " presence around it , and after some time the fear melted into this " I AM " and became that . I sat still and felt a bliss beyond words , profound peace in my entire being . I realized that this is what it means to go through emotions . This is a so - called release . Allowing yourself to fully experience the feelings that come up , listen to what they say , and then they will go and leave you in peace . Then on wednesday it was time for satsang with Ingerid , but instead we spent the day just hanging out . Ingerid 's other daughter , her man and their newborn came over so we were just enjoying eachothers ' company through the day . That didn 't stop the feelings from coming , though , and while I was talking to Ingerid this anger reported itself . I observed it and felt it like I had been the past days and suddenly in the middle of the aches and pains that came with it passing through me a core of comfort came up . I told Ingerid what I felt and she nodded and explained that I had used anger as protection . I had thought that it had kept me safe for all these years . It was so true . I embraced and met the feeling with love and then the fountain of anger seemed to intensify somewhat . Even though I still felt very present it just kept going and going , like an upside down waterfall running through me . We stayed till late that night and watched the movie " Pretty Woman " and then John drove me home . As we went out I saw the waning crescent moon shining its golden light through light clouds right next to a mountain top . I told John that I had always felt fascinated with the moon . He started explaining the symbolics behind the moon , and it was suddenly very clear why . The moon pushes and pulls the magnetic fields of the earth , thereby affecting our life here on the planet . This is symbolic to the fascination I have had with drama throughout this journey . It is possible to appreciate its beauty without being controlled by it . As we were talking our trip took us to a gas station to get some stuff for Ingerid , and as we were waiting for the clerk to get the items for us I looked down and saw a norwegian 1 , - krone lying on the ground . I picked it up and saw 3 crowns with 3 5s under them . As I showed it to John , he told me that it signifies a moment of freedom . I was being reminded of my true nature through everything around me . As we were driving out to Marens place to get some stuff the conversation went to the issue of my anger and the relationship between me and Maren . Maren had been a mirror for my anger for almost as long as I had known her , and various examples of my cat having pissed in in both my bed and hers were screaming symbolism to attest that . As I had been very much an effect of the circumstances around me and thus in a reactive state earlier it was very easy to put the blame outwards , and as John was asking me questions to narrow down my motives I recognized a panic well up . John picked this up immediately and said that the more uncomfortable it is to talk about something the closer to the truth you are . I knew that discomfort was my best friend at this point because it means my ego is squirming , and so we kept digging deeper . Eventually I realized that I had been going against myself to try to lull down the reaction from Maren . To lessen the anger . Suddenly we saw a deer through the mist of the night , and not just one , an entire family was out running on the road in the same direction as we were going . I noticed 7 of them . They jumped across the road one by one , but the last kept running back out on the street until we eventually passed them . This immediately struck me as significant , and John agreed . So he asked me what they were , but I was making things too complicated to see the simplicity of it . They were innocent . They showed me that despite what I may think , I am innocent and pure . The same as the symbolism with Mary Magdalene the week before . What had happened on the way home with John , both the conversation and the symbolism , had had a very profound impact on me , so when I got home I went to bed right away . I allowed all my anger to arise while still feeling my " I AM " presence . Ingerids words echoed " You still haven 't forgiven , or the anger wouldn 't keep coming back . " I had felt something shift today , so I took my time and thanked the anger for the experiences it had given me through my life , and now I didn 't need it anymore . I was ready to stand on my own two feet completely . That night I dreamed that I was driving my friend to school in my car , and it was a school where everyone carried guns . We met a short , skinny blonde kid with a machine gun who was really angry . He was also very triggerhappy , so he started to shoot after me . He hit me a couple of times in my upper body , just missing vital organs like lungs and heart , and he hit me once in the left part of my head . I walked up to the guy , and suddenly I had diced red peppers in my hands . I held my hands around his head and squeezed them together , and this white golden light golden light started to pour from between my hands all over him . He looked perplexed and his gun - arm twitched and I twitched along with him to avoid coming bullets , but he relaxed as fast as he had twitched , and I never let my hands waver . I saw the profound effect this had on him and said " This is who you really are , " and I closed my eyes . He lifted his other hand and gently opened my eyes . Then I started crying a whole lot , and I suddenly felt like I was dying from my injuries and so I tried to make it to the hospital . I felt I was about to die and I closed my eyes and gave up . I saw this gold - red - yellow - blue - green and white - all at the same time - light coming down in front of me , but nothing happened . . Then I woke up . I woke up as the sun was setting the following day , and I immediately felt some turbulence there . I decided to deal with all that was there so I firmly planted myself in bed and closed my eyes and just felt everything . The first feeling that came to me was this immense feeling of complete helplessness . Like absolutely nothing whatsoever mattered . I allowed it and embraced it and it changed into a feeling of such intense fear I felt completely paralyzed . Then I felt like I couldn 't hold on anymore , like there was no going back to the old ways . It was then I realized that this was all the feelings that I had covered up with anger before . Without the protection of the anger the feelings were free to come up , and I welcomed them with open arms . Then the feeling changed again into this shaky breath feeling that comes from having cried very intensely . I remembered having felt like that as a child , but not since . I faced that too with love and acceptance and decided it was time to have a little break . When I got up I realized I had been lying there for 2 hours . I had a shower and sat down to check my email , and the first email I read was " I believe God wants you to know " from Neale Donald Walsch . It said : This hit home so profoundly , and I realized that 's what was happening . I was stepping on uncharted grounds because I didn 't have my anger to protect me anymore , and it was okay . It is okay to let everything fall apart . As this dawned on me the tears came and streamed down my face . All the sorrow that I had never dared to feel before came , and it was okay . This is such a contrast from where I have come from it 's almost indescribable . I used to come from a place of not wanting to feel anything at all . I prayed so hard to be rid of all my feelings , and now I welcome them with gratitude and love because I know that I am so blessed to be able to experience everything that I have experienced . This very experience that I have is completely unique to everything in existence , and I am previleged to be here right now to witness it . The past week has certainly been interesting . I woke up on the 29th november , another 11 : 11 : 11 portal , feeling like complete crap . I had slept very uneasily , and my stomach was in severe pain . So I spent the first half of the day sitting on the toilet … Then when I finally had a break I had something to drink and then spent the rest of the evening , and night , kneeling over the toilet . Such a lovely night , emptying my bowels with 30 minute intervals . At some point I just lie down on the bathroom floor with a towel under my head and breathe while staring at the ceiling . Eventually around 4am I hadn 't had to " go " for an hour or so and I decided to take a leap of faith and go to bed . I brought a bucket to be sure , and water . Ah , precious water . I remember falling asleep and still feel my entire body vibrating with pain , like it was growing out of itself . Really weird feeling . My mouth would go dry every 5 - 10 minutes and I woke up to have a mouthful of water , turn over and go to sleep again only to wake up again after 5 - 10 minutes and repeat the process . After some hours I finally managed to sleep a continual 3 hour period and I woke up at 9am or so . . I had no intention of doing anything that day so I got my laptop , refilled my waterbottle and spent the day in bed . The day went by pretty quickly . I felt more grateful than anything to be done with what I had experienced the night before . I can honestly say that is the worst I have ever felt , and I 've put myself through quite a lot of painful situations before . The night came and I fell asleep around 5 am . At last I slept through the entire night , and I didn 't wake up until half past 1 the day after . I felt so rested , I woke up with a smile , my cats laying sprawled on the bed beside me . After some minutes I called Ingerid to see where they were , and we agreed that they pick me up in 30 minutes . It was satsang day , and I felt ready for whatever that would come . I had spoken to Maren the day before and I realized that I hadn 't let her go still . I decided to bAfter a while John came in with toast , and being that it was the first time I had eaten in 2 days I was very hungry but because my stomach was a bit rusty still I took my time eating . After a while both me and Ingerid noticed a dizziness , a sort of lightheadedness and heaviness in our bodies . She felt it very strong so we thought that she had taken in my energies . Some time went by and we all sort of disappeared , sat still and breathed for what seemed like hours . I asked Ingerid how she felt and if she was taking anything in , and she said that Mary Magdalene was there . It wasn 't the first time , in fact it was the third time that she had come to visit us when I was there for satsang . First she was speaking only to Ingerid for the first 30 minutes or so , then when Ingerid was given messages to share one of the first thing she addressed was our thinking that Ingerid was taking me in , which wasn 't the case . . At least not in the same sense as before . Mary then said that I didn 't need that help anymore , because I was so good at releasing by myself , which felt very humbling . She then adressed both John and me and talked about the intellect . She said that each intellect at each stage of its consciousness has a purpose . Nothing is " wasted . " So my understanding of this was that we need to embrace what we had done and learned with our intellect in the past and trust that because our hearts are now leading the way than whatever comes from the mind is inspired by the heart . During the channeling I felt this incredibly warm feeling . This warm , loving embrace that didn 't care what the circumstances were . Everything was okay , everything was okay . . This maternal , unconditional love . It felt indescribable beyond what I have said here . So much information was passed through by Mary that I can 't put it all here , but we all had a very exciting evening , and at the end of it we watched " The Game " with Michael Douglas . Extremely good movie , and so full of symbols . It really is beautiful . As John was driving me home after the movie he asked me what I thought the significance of Mary coming through so frequently while I was there for satsang . I tried long and hard to find an answer in me but eventually gave up . He said that it is of course she that brought the Christ , or one Christ to this earth , and so she is the symbol of purity . The fact that she is showing up around me means that I am " worthy . " Not that I 've ever not been worthy other than the thoughts I have believed , but now the reflection was bang in my face stating that I AM , in fact , worthy . This is very profound , was John 's words . I felt the same . After John had dropped me off I went to bed right away . I decided to bring my laptop to bed and I watched a movie and fell asleep . I woke up the day after as it was getting dark . I looked at the time and it was 4pm , so I decided to head to town to get some food . I was really hungry but the only thing that really appealed was salad , so I mixed some salad from the salad - bufet at the grocery store and headed home . The snow had finally reached the ground a few days earlier so I decided to walk instead , and it really was great to come out into the cold winter air . I came home , watched some tv and a friend paged me on skype and we started talking . She 's conscious in her ascension process so we talked about acceptance and control , and as I was typing it was suddenly so clear to me . Everything that we see in the outside world is merely the effect of the light that is already within us , so what is playing out is merely the " darkness " being pushed up by the light . It is already healed . The answer provokes the question , as Ingerid had said during our satsang the day before , it was all so clear to me now . That 's why acceptance is so important . A wave of calm came over me , and I felt completely content with the present moment . Everything that would want to find its way into my perception can do so , and I can accept it all in peace now . A couple of minutes later I hear a gentle clank of metal hitting the floor . I looked down and found a norwegian 50 øring , or half a crown . It has a crown on one side , and immediately it struck me as incredibly important . I asked to be shown the meaning and as I was explaining what had happened to John it suddenly hit me that the Emperor of my life had relinquished his crown . The rule of control is over . John also pointed out that the number 50 is the number of the perfected man , 5 being man and 10 being Source . I told Ingerid what had happened and she laughed and said that I had just crowned myself , but in a totally different way . It symbolises that I am now confirming that I AM all that is , also abundance on all levels . I am not the one that controls abundance on all levels , because I AM abundance , and now it will show in all my manifestations . I feel so in touch with my emotions . . With my presence . I feel like I am worth something for the first time in my life ! I just love being right here , and right now . I realize my life is one of service , and I totally surrender to let Source flow through me to shower the world with abundance of love and joy . The past days have been filled with messages , and I 'll get to that , I just had to get this down right away . I just read through some blogs that I 've been following , including Patrice Julien 's blog . I scrolled around my RSS feeds and hit a post by him that said : I AM WHAT I AM . This caught my attention as it came to me a few days ago when I was at Ingerids ' place . Also the past days have been filled with similar signs , as I 'll describe in detail . Anyway , I read the post and it talks about his experiences and that " I AM " speaks to us every moment of the day if we are able to listen , and he ends with quoting the song " I AM WHAT I AM " by Gloria Gaynor . While I 'm reading this I am watching the tv series " Two and a half men " which I find very funny , as I can relate to both Charlie and Alan . . And in the end , guess what ? Berta 's sister is walking around in the party they hold for Charlie and Alans ' mother , singing I AM WHAT I AM by Gloria Gaynor ! I was struck speechless . Okay so let me back up a few days . To the 25th to be more exact . I had another movie marathon of dreams . I had talked to John the day before over skype and answered via video . It was much earlier in the day so I was much brighter than the time when I spoke to Mooji , and John said it was an interesting metaphor for me having taken in much more light since then . So that night one of the " scenes " were me getting ready for a webcam talk and the room being completely lit . I felt that was significant and wanted to talk to John about it , but the chance never arose . The meaning is pretty clear though . Later that day I went to the grocery store to get some food , and since I couldn 't be arsed carrying all the stuff I was going to get I went to get a trolley . I had the key - ring - coin - lookalike - key ready , but it seemed the trolley I got to was already loose . It was free from its chains , unattached . Free . I asked to be shown the meaning of this , but I already knew the answer . It was very obvious . The next morning I woke up the first time feeling dreadful . I remembered having a dream , and the feeling of that dream lingered . It was beyond words to describe exactly how the feeling felt , so I asked to be shown the dream I had had . I usually do this if there 's any details of dreams that I 'm uncertain of , and they usually " pop up " almost immediately . This time , nothing . Absolutely nothing . Just that sense of despair , fear , horror and sorrow . A little bundle of love . I managed to fall asleep again and another marathon of movies had me sleeping another 4 - 5 hours , waking up at around 3pm . I was going to go to the store and get some more stuff that I had forgotten the day before , and when I got to the garage to get my bike I noticed that the door was already unlocked , so I went in and got my bike . As I was about to leave the garage I heard the sound of metal hitting concrete , and I looked down and found a key to the garage lying there in the light of the day . I put it back and went to the store , and encountered the same free roaming trolley again . I broke a big smile and took it to do my shopping , and at the cash register I had shopped for 144 NOK . 144 being the number of completion , I couldn 't help but laugh . I got a really weird look from the lady behind the counter , and I laughed even harder as I paid her and left with my groceries . When I got home and checked my computer John was online , so I asked him about the symbols , and told him that I felt that I was telling me that I am already free and that even the idea of a key to the infinite is redundant . John verified this . Friday came , and in the evening John and Ingerid was about to come and visit , when the " I AM what I AM " was very obvious . No coincidence that the divine feminine and masculine arrive in my home right after " I AM what I AM " either . Anyway , they were talking about their day , and explained that they had had some pretty heavy satsangs with some people who had passed on came through . We also talked about just how profound the new enThe next day , saturday , I asked Ingerid how they were doing , and she said that they had gotten many new insights and new understandings during the day . I was still feeling panicky frightened . I felt this uncertainty , like I didn 't know what was going to happen . It felt like I was completely letting go of control . . And there it was ! It was so clear ! What I was feeling was the panic of the masculine having to let go of control . I embraced the uncertainty , and suddenly a wave of relief came over me . It was so liberating to not having to try to control the future . This was what I experienced yesterday aswell . Ingerid explained to me that we are being made empty so that the master within us can come forth . Freedom is complete surrender , the sacred emptiness . . That is why fear and insecurity comes up when we let go of control . But not so much so that we don 't want to surrender . This was exactly how I felt . I rested in the moment , fell deeper and deeper into it . It was so liberating , with all its aches and fears bubbling while being completely calm and peaceful . Changes feel very much exponential . The more we free ourselves , the more darkness can be " shook up " by the light that comes through the next time . . Why worry about what might be , when it is exactly how it is supposed to be right now ? And so monday the 23rd November 2009 came . Me and Ingerid and John had agreed on this day for our satsang so that we could combine it with listening in to Mooji over the internet . Let me back up a bit first though . That night I had a dream where I was in the crossfire of guns , moving up to a really tall tower where people sat at computers and modified your existence . They provided me with all the money I could ever want , took a look at me and said " You need more mana . " They pressed a button and the blue mana bar went to the top . I told Ingerid and John about this and they interpreted it as me still trying to " fix " things , making an effort to acquire wisdom . Keeping things simple was the theme of the day . John had also received an email from the father of a mongoloid friend he spent a lot of time with when he was in his stage of releasing all that he had built up . He had an older friend that had just died , and his father wanted to know how he was going to tell his son that his best friend had died . The reply that John sent moved me to tears . He said that he was simply there to show this old man the unconditional love that he is , and that his purpose done , this task was over . I had tears in my eyes when I came to the end . We talked about so - called retarded people and how they are really sitting behind their own shoulders watching the world through eyes of unconditional love that few people see . They are living examples of how profoundly beautiful simplicity is . I finally received my paycheck around 4 o ' clock that day so we went down to the store to buy some food for the evening , and a 777 stared at me . I asked John what it meant , and he said it definitely was a validation of the dream . 777 is a 3 , the holy trinity . At the store we saw not one , but a total of 3 retarded men . . I was definitely being told to keep it simple . We bought some food , candy and then went home . We had a delicious salad and some ravioli while we waited for Mooji to come online at 6pm , and eventually he did . I had the same feeling in That night I am sure I cried 1 hour of " real " time during the night . I had several dreams , but one seemed more significant than the others . I was being chased down by 2 of my childhood friends , they kept jumping on me and hurting me and I couldn 't do anything about it . Suddenly we had magic cards in our hands , and they still kept hurting me . I tried to hurt them back and finally I managed to hurt them enough that they would leave me alone . When they did I started crying . I cried and cried and cried . It was like a bottomless well of tears . After what seemed like several hours I stopped crying . I looked at the magic card I had and it turned out to be incredibly powerful . Suddenly we all became our cards . I became this spider - monkey thing . I tried to tell them about the card , and when I did my voice sounded very weird . Frail somehow . I said " It has 8 . . no 6 legs , and 6 arms . " The spider - monkey thing started fighting this vampire demon that was one of my friends , and it was a lot more powerful . After this I woke up , that same sense of crying and panic still in me . I got up , fed the cats , had some water and went back to sleep . The next time I woke up I felt completely rested . The bed was warm and fuzzy , inviting me to stay there for the entire day . I lie in bed for about an hour , just breathing , before I realized that I had some stuff to do in town . I got my mail , and it was a letter from my old bank . They let me know that I was finished paying down the loan I had taken 2 years earlier . I broke into a huge smile as the symbolism dawned on me . Leaving old energies behind . It certainly felt that way . I felt this immense calm , and within that calm rested the feeling of panic still . Calm and panicky at the same time , who knew ? After that I went to get a wireless networking card for Ingerid 's computer , and the guy gave me a 30 % discount . Then I went to buy catfood , and they gave me a 10 % discount . After that I decided to buy breakfast , and even there I got 10 % discount . Some old beliefs about money have definitely been released in the past few days . I felt incredibly light , like I was just flowing through my surroundings as they appeared in my reality . Something has definitely shifted , and I am ready . Ready to let go of everything . Ready to be completely empty . Soooo ! Here it is again . So much has happened , yet as usual the outwardly action is limited , although it feels like it is picking up somehow . It " started " on the 11th november , which is a 11 : 11 : 11 portal , when the book " Before I AM " by Mooji arrived . It is such a beautiful read , I pageflip every night before going to bed . It 's definitely not coincidental that that book arrived on that very day . Then last sunday , Mooji was holding an online satsang that I " happened " to be online at the right time to attend . Right before it started Ingerid was visiting to pick up some DVDs that I had burnt for her , and as per usual when I am in the same space as her I was in a very good mood . Then it began . As soon as I saw Mooji with his red shirt on it struck me that I had seen this meeting some days ago , only I interpreted it as a visit to London . When it dawned on me all kinds of emotions started to flood through me . Anxiety , a nervousness , fear , it all came up . It felt like this was it . This was the time for my mind - made " I " to die , and I knew I had to face it . An hour went and I had made a few calls although none had gone through , and I decided that this was it . I called repeatedly until finally I saw the video initializing screen come up . Mooji was still in another call , and how lucky that was because I could not have said anything if I had tried . After a few minutes I heard the host of nevernothere announcing me and I just had to jump into it . I made this into a video and uploaded it to youtube , so without further adue , I give you my first conversation with Mooji . Monday came and I was feeling a bit restless , like something was off but I had no idea why . I had slept my usual 12 hours and I felt a bit out of sync that day . I knew I wanted to clean the appartment , but I just had no energy whatsoever to do anything . The evening came and eventually sleep settled in . I woke up on tuesday feeling very rested . I was supposed to have been at Ingerids for satsang , but she had sent me a message saying she wasn 't feeling good so it was cancelled . My cell phone is currently not receiving text messages except for immediately when I turn it on , and I had a feeling that it wasn 't a day for satsang , so I checked right away when I woke up to the clock at around noon . It 's wonderful being in a position where I have to set the clock if I want to get up before noon . : p I had one sensation when I got up : I had to get this appartment cleaned right away ! I put my laptop in the kitchen and started playing my youtube playlist of music . It holds just about all kinds of music that I have found resonance in depending on mood . This time it started off with a beautiful tibetan monk chant to set the mood , then it gave me Jason Mraz - All dialed in , a song that always makes me cry , and to top it all off , Portishead - Roads . . So while I was crying my eyes out and cleaning the appartment , I gradually felt more and more energized . Once I was done with cleaning and the long , warm shower , I felt great . I was feeling happy the entire day . That night I dreamt about Ingerid . We were talking about the connection we had , that 's all I remember . That morning Ingerid woke me up at 1pm and asked me if I wanted to come help her carry some stuff at her house that neither she or John could carry while she cleaned the appartment . I felt a tremendous joy and accepted right away . Ingerid came and picked me up a bit later . On the way over we were talking about Mooji and how it would be such an experience to go to London on one of his Satsangs , and it just burst out of me : I 'll buy all of us a tour to London to The day continued . Carpets needed cleaning so I spent hours outside hammering carpets , carrying various things , rearranging a room , only to arrange it back , and then rearrange it back to its original state again . I was clearly " chopping wood and carrying water . " We took some breaks to talk and have a bite of food during the day . During one break we were talking about spirit , which we always do I guess . . And I heard exactly what I was supposed to hear , as I always do . . Ingerid said , " Every answer is a death . " which hit home for me very profoundly . The past days I had been feeling like all the answers my mind give me , are so limiting that I don 't believe them . Even its questions , because they always lead to conclusions beyond the now . Beyond what is at the moment . The day came to an end and they drove me home late that night . I had a bite to eat , a shower and saw " The Kings of Comedy " on Tv before going to bed . That night I slept like a baby . This night I dreamt about both Ingerid and John . We were talking about the connection between us , and it turned out that me and Ingerid had been having the same dreams lately . The next dream I had was so vivid . I saw aliens coming to the planet , and a planet coming very close to ours . Aliens landing and a huge fight between the aliens and us . I was strolling peacefully through it all though . I woke up the day after feeling totally rested , and in complete joy . 10 minutes after waking up , Ingerid called and asked when they could pick me up , to which I replied right away , though John had to take Maren and her son home first . I went out to the road and waited for them and John stopped to pick me up . I was so happy to see them all , and me and Nathaniel were dancing to the music in the car all the way to Marens ' place . On the way home I explained my dream to John and he said that it was a realigning with my Self . He then proceeded to talk about the symbolism of dreams , that I knew of and that being the reason why I sought his expertise , but this time he also mentioned that the waking state is also a dream , and that everything is symbolic . He had shown me some symbolism in my presence earlier , but when we talked about it this time it felt more significant . He told me it 's all about what catches your attention , and listening to what your intuition tells you . I said that I could definitely use some help interpreting all this in the future , and he said that I should first open myself up to the fact that they are there and seek within myself first . The day passed and we got the rest of the cleaning done , which was such a relief . Ingerid explained that we clean our appartment when we have taken a step " forward " in vibration . . When the current state around us is of the vibration that we used to hold , it is easy to feel dragged down by your surroundings , which is exactly how I felt . The love we hold for ourselves is reflected around us . Puts cleaning in a whole new light . In the evening Ingerid 's other daughter , her man and their child came by and we watched a movie , then they drove me home . I was conscious just in the moment that the veil of sleep was pulled down , and with the last breath I felt the embrace of the formless . It really is indescribable . I used to have these sensations all the time , but before they would send vibrations of fear throughout my body , and I would shiver in horror . Now it is like the shell of my body is gently melted away to reveal the loving nothingness of my soul flowing out into infinity . I woke up on friday having slept like a baby yet again . It was around 2pm or so . I decided to go and make breakfast right away because I was very hungry . When I was done I reached for a small plate to put them on , and it slipped in my fingers and went for the floor . It hit the floor looking like it would break into 1000 pieces , but what was left was 2 just about identical pieces of porcelain . One had 2 red flowers on it and 2 yellow , the other had one red flower on it and one yellow . It iimmediately struck me that this was significant for me , so as I grabbed another plate and went into my room I asked for the meaning of this to be shown to me . As I got into the room John immediately logged on , and I asked him what this could mean . He said that I was breaking my fast . Not the normal kind around easter when people don 't eat for 14 days . This was a spiritual fast . I was not " eating of " the manna bread , spiritual truth . The flowers are a confirmation 22 : 11 , a power number . I googled the manna bread and got " 11th Heaven Homemaking . " John filled in that that was just a symbol of life , and that I was beginning to nurture myself , loving myself . Metaphors are simple , but we often analyze their meaning away . It is the inner guidance that shows you the truth . This felt very right for me , and I thanked John for his help and decided to go to town to pick up some money that a friend of mine owed me . She 's quite angry , and she 's owed me this money for quite some time now and I sent her a quite harsh sms the other day to which her anger flared up . So I came to town and met her where she worked and she handed me an envelope with the money and turned her back to me doing some work while we were talking . I thanked her for the money and left to get some food . I grabbed a trolley and got inside the store , and while I was enjoying the sweet taste of a chilled coke , I turned around and suddenly there was Ingerid 's other daughter and her newborn daughter . The daughter is adorable beyond words and her mother is a very loving mother , it was a very pleasant meeting . We talked and walked around the store for some time while we shopped and then we headed for the exit . I was so happy to see them and we both smiled as we parted . I took my shopping bags and headed home , but I felt the need to take a detour down to the walkway by the river . As I was riding my bike along the side of the river , feeling the fresh air and listening to the sound of gushing water around me , I suddenly saw a light shine in the middlIt all felt like it was me turning my back towards my anger and my past , and being greeted by my newborn love for myself , shining my light in the middle of the darkness . John confirmed all of it , and added : the light shines in the darkness and the darkness comprehends it not , which is a biblical quote . I should feel excited , happy , elated that I was getting things right , but it felt so natural . . like part of the flow . There was just acceptance in me , and a sense of being guided completely . Later that day John was coming to pick up some DVDs that I had burnt for them , but as he was driving here Ingerid called and asked me to come help her with one last thing , which I accepted gladly . I was sitting and writing this post as I heard a very unique cat sound that John makes when he tries to communicate with cats , so I thought he was outside saying hello to my cats and decided to go meet him . As I got outside it was raining , and I found shelter between the house where I live and the garage of my landlord . I stood there and suddenly I hear Ramses , one of my cats , squeak and I see him rush towards me . He is so cozy , brushing up against my leg and practically jumping up on me to cuddle . He 's a very loving cat but usually not this extreme . Suddenly he went out in the rain , caught something in his mouth and ran and dropped it at my feet . I bent down to look , and it was the tip of a flower . Such a beautiful love declaration from my Self , to my Self . John came and I told him what had just happened and how I felt about it , and he confirmed that aswell . Then he told me that symbols are everywhere , because life always throws an abundancy of seeds to make sure of its own survival , so if you 're completely open to this you will be bombarded . We kept talking and I suddenly realized that symbols are a kind of first - row in the flow of life . If you don 't see the symbols then they start to become silent whispers , taps on the shoulders , frying pan in the faces and eventually something terminal . John said that there was another even closer way , which is direct communication with your Self . This is where you receive insights directly through your being . I remember having these experiences too when I first tasted the formless . For 3 days I was " channeling " Source , and all I had to do was wonder about something and the answer came through my being . It is very profound because it sort of opens you up to the knowing of it , instead of seeing it through the head . We got to their place and realized that we had no dinner , so me and John drove back to town to get some stuff from me and the store . When we came to my place the first thing that hit us was the thick smell of smoke from my neighbour . John asked me who was smoking , and I said that it was my neighbour . I noticed her sitting in the kitchen and her door fully open , the entire appartment reeking of smoke . I said hello to her , and she replied that it was a very awful thing for us to say , commenting on her smoking . I had asked her to keep her door closed before because I have smoked for 12 years and I don 't want to surround myself with it anymore , since smoking really is an inner desire to leave this world . When I confronted her before she snapped completely accusing me of having an agenda and saying that it doesn 't smell like smoke at all . When she snapped I felt anger arise in me , and at the same time I turned away and walked into my room almost instinctively . Me and John talked about this on the way home and feelings of fear and anger came up . I completely allowed them to be there as we drove home . When we got back to their place I explained everything to Ingerid , including the previous encounter with my neighbour . Ingerid said that this is what I had been doing for so many lives . I deny myself in order to please others . I let others treat me badly , and instead of standing up for myself I turn the anger inwards towards , beating myself up about it . This was the anger that I had been taking with me from my previous lives . She also said that this was something that Shaumbra does because on some level we know it doesn 't matter , but it was time to reclaim our self worth . Suddenly I expanded beyond my body , losing all references of up - down - left - right , and a dizzyness hit me . I felt a huge wave of anger pass through me and vanish , and then came the sorrow . Sorrow that I had not treated myself with the love that is who I truly am . I suddenly realized that the highest purpose for me , the highest love for my Self , is always the highest purpose in any situation . I did not have to allow my neighbour to let the entire appartment reek of old cigarettes . It is ok to be true to myself regardless of how it made others feel . It is actually the greatest gift you can give . 4 Comments » Sooo . . Things are really stirring up these days . The things really started to affect me on halloween . It is also the day when the veil is said to be the thinnest between worlds , and of course it is , because we believe it to be . Very uneasy sleep , twisting and turning and no dreams pretty much sums up my last couple of days . Then yesterday it all started happening . The winds here are so extreme I felt as though I was going to blow away when I rode my bike to town yesterday . As I closed in on the store where I was about to shop I let go of the handlebar as I usually do , and suddenly the wind grabbed a hold of my bike . I felt the bike slip under me and a feeling like I had hit the ground face first and tasting my own blood arose . Without a single thought my hands went to the handlebar again and through what seemed a miracle the bike straightened up its angle and steering and I was safe . The bad feeling quickly subsided and was replaced by a profound sense of peace that I am beginning to be familiar with . Later that night I had a visit from one of my enlightened friends , and we got talking about being completely free , letting go of all attachments . It seems even though I feel very free and detached there are still things being played out that keep me imprisoned in my own perception . John asked me " How far away would you like your cage - bars to be ? " My answer came intuitively , " No cage at all . " John said that it is the same as being a little bit pregnant , not possible . You 're either free or not . There was a strong sensation that I wanted a partner for this life journey , and as we were talking about this a sensation of nervousnes , anxiety and tension arose , and at the same time a pleasant buzz . . I recognized it , because I had felt it so many times before . Every time I had the sensation of being in love , this had been there . There was a comforting sensation in it , and at the same time a sensation that all my efforts were leading nowhere . I realized that the comfort was my interpretation , and the feeling changed . It now felt like I was clawing at walls , frantically trying to get out . I realized that I wanted my freedom above anything else , and whatever pain could come . I rested in complete acceptance of whatever came , and the feelings came and went through the night , along with stinging physical pains and burning in my stomach and throat . I went to bed around 1am , and woke up again while it was still dark . I tried checking my cell phone what time it was but it had loaded out completely even though I had charged it that morning . After a while I fell asleep again , and I had some very vivid dreams that night . When I woke up at 11 I had to get my charger so that I could write them down , then I slept until half past 1pm . All my cats were sprawled around the bed , sleeping aswell . Even though there was so much emotions going on there 's a deep sense of calm and completeness around everything . So the full moon has come on the 2nd , and that is triggering its own cleanup of emotional blockage , then there 's the sixthUpdate : I just lost all my keys today . I 'll have to check the symbolism on that , along with the dream . They are definitely related . |
I 've been taking the same bus to school every day for almost four years now . That makes it almost four years that I 've been watching her , without ever saying a word or even making eye contact . I didn 't even know her name . She 's tall and athletic , with a warm smile and soft grey eyes . Her hair is only just long enough to cover her eyes until she brushes it away , a deep chocolate brown , perfectly straight . I always wonder if she straightens it or if it 's that way naturally . I see her around the school campus occasionally , always surrounded by friends . She 's always smiling and laughing , and everyone seems to worship her . I know that she 's the captain of the girl 's tennis and hockey teams , because they 're embroidered on her blazer . Every time I see her , I want to talk to her , but I never do . I have no idea what I 'd say to her , or why she 'd be remotely interested in anything I had to say to begin with . She 's beautiful and popular , while I 'm just ordinary and insignificant . I didn 't really mind , though . Knowing I 'd get to see her on the bus in the morning was half of what got me up to go to school . I was happy with the way things were , and that was enough for me . On my first day of my second last year of high school , I was prepared . She was a year above me , which meant it was her last year . That meant it was the last year I 'd get to see her on the bus . It was kind of a bittersweet feeling . I got on the bus , just like usual . I took my regular seat towards the back , and waited for the stop where she would get on . Everything was just like normal until we reached her stop , and she stepped onto the bus . More than one head turned to stare at her as she made her way down the aisle in the centre of the bus . The muttering and murmuring started shortly after . The look on her face made it obvious how aware she was of it , but she was clearly trying her best not to let it get to her . No , even under the boy 's uniform , her physique made it obvious . There was no way that she was a boy . Not unless she was that kind of boy , but somehow that just didn 't seem right . Not that it was my place to decide that , but I couldn 't help but feel like - I could feel my face turning red . What was happening ? She never sat this far back , and definitely never sat near me . She didn 't even know who I was . Glancing down at the rest of the bus , I suddenly realised why . Bags filled what would normally be empty seats , and glaring faces guarded the rest . She didn 't have anywhere else to sit . We were the last two to get off , since she waited for everyone else to go past before she got up out of her seat . Her bags were pretty bulky , so it seemed normal enough . Before we got off , though , she grabbed my shoulder gently . " Hey . Um , thanks for letting me sit with you . I 'm , uh , sorry if it caused you any problems . Oh , and thanks for not saying anything about the , you know . Uniform . " I didn 't see Phoebe again that week , not even on the bus . I certainly heard about her a lot , though . Rumours spread like wildfire in high schools , and there were more than a few unpleasant ones going around about her . She looked so lonely , I couldn 't help but to feel the urge to go over to her . Would she appreciate that , though ? Maybe she wanted to be alone . You didn 't come to somewhere this far out for the people , after all . I decided to try talking to her . After all , if she didn 't want to talk to me , she could easily just say so . I didn 't think that would bother me too much . " Isla , " she said , a serene smile resting on her lips . Sh - she remembered my name ? Dammit , I could feel myself turning red already . " Oh , I 'm so sorry ! I didn 't think anyone would be here . I 'll , um , I 'll find somewhere else to eat my lunch . " She sounded flustered . Was she worried about the same thing that I was ? " No , you should stay ! " I insisted . " It 's nice to have someone else to share it with . I - if you don 't mind eating with me , that is . " I nodded to show my understanding , but it just seemed bring her down even more . I didn 't really know what else I could do . There was one thing I wanted to know , though . " Eh ? No , it 's nothing like that . Trust me , I 'm a girl , inside and out . I just … I dunno , I don 't really like feminine clothing . I really can 't stand dresses or skirts . " For some reason , that was a huge relief to hear . I wasn 't sure how I 'd have felt if she 'd told me she was a boy . That 's probably selfish of me , but it was honest . Being a girl was part of why I liked her . " At least you 've only got one more year . I mean , a year is a long time , but hey , it 's gotta end eventually , " I said , the best effort I could make at being encouraging . What else was I supposed to say ? A couple of older boys got on at the next stop . I recognised them from Phoebe 's year level . When they saw us , they rolled their eyes , and sat just a little further in front of us . " They probably don 't even know who I am , " I said . " Besides , I don 't really care what people say about me . So don 't worry about me , okay ? " She looked up at me , her eyes sparkling with half - formed tears . It was seriously difficult to resist the urge to kiss her right then and there . That wouldn 't have done either of us any favours , though . Plus I didn 't even know if she was attracted to me . Actually , I didn 't even know if she was gay . The rest of the bus trip was thankfully uneventful . We chatted idly about school and classes , sharing stories about teachers we 'd both had . When we arrived at school , we were the last two to get off again , but this time , she stayed with me , walking me all the way to my locker . I tensed up . It wasn 't the first time this had happened to me , but I really didn 't want to have to deal with it in front of her . Not when I knew she felt guilty about it already . It was just a couple of guys . The worst they would do would be to try and hit on me , to try and ' fix ' me , or because I was some kind of a challenge . There would be some lewd comments as they tried to own my sexuality , try to make it something for them , because they needed it to be that way . I didn 't care . There wasn 't anything they could do or say to hurt me . " Piss off , " she said . " She 's not gay , and she 's not my girlfriend . Say what you want about me , but you say one word about her and I swear I will cut off your balls and feed them to your dog . " The two of them strutted off , laughing about something or other . Phoebe turned back to face me , her face falling as soon as she saw mine . I could feel my own tears , hot against my cheeks . " Oh God , I 'm so sorry , " she said , rummaging around in her pocket for a tissue . " I really didn 't want this to happen . Here . " She held out her hand , offering me a handkerchief . I knew feeling angry was irrational , but I couldn 't help it . I brushed her hand away , glaring at her before running away , my eyes stinging and my chest aching . Phoebe just stood there , looking confused and hurt . After a while , I started to feel a little guilty . I knew she didn 't understand why I was upset , and that she would just end up blaming those idiot boys and herself , and feeling bad about it . Rationally , I knew I should just talk to her about it , but I really didn 't want to . No , it would be better to just talk to her about it . I made up my mind to talk to her as soon as I could . I was sure she would understand if I could just explain things calmly . Monday morning , I watched her get onto the bus , like usual . Instead of sitting next to me , she found a vacant seat and sat there , without so much as making eye contact with me . Was she mad at me now ? I realised that a crowd had gathered around us , staring and whispering amongst themselves . It probably was an unusual sight . Phoebe was kneeling beside me , supporting my back with her knee and one arm , the other arm holding a water bottle up to my lips . Not having much choice , I ate my lunch , lying back against her arm and leg . It almost felt like she was embracing me . I tried not to think about that too much , realising she 'd probably notice if my heart rate suddenly went up . " I don 't care about them , " I said quickly . " That sort of stuff happens all the time . I told you , I 'm used to it . It 's fine . " " Because of you , " I said , biting my lip . This was going to be the hard part , but I needed to get it out . " It 's because of what you said . " " You don 't get to tell people I 'm not gay , " I snapped . " The way you said it , it 's like you were ashamed of it . Who cares if they think I 'm gay ? It 's not a bad thing to be gay ! " " It doesn 't matter if I 'm gay or not , " I said , evading the question . I wasn 't entirely ready to have that conversation with her yet . " The point is , you don 't get to tell people what I am , and … and … " I couldn 't help myself . I was crying again . I 'd let my guard down , and because of that , I 'd been hurt . Ignorance is one thing . I can deal with people not understanding me , or hating me , or being disgusted or frightened . I 've been dealing with it ever since I realised what I am . When it 's from someone you care about , someone you actually want to be around , to be close to , that 's when it gets hard . That 's when I can 't deal with it . " You 're always eating lunch alone , " she said , her voice soft and gentle . " I never see you with friends . You don 't care about what people say about you … because they 've already said it all , right ? I 'm … I 'm so sorry . " We shared another extended silence , neither of us looking at each other . I didn 't know what was going to happen next . Like it or not , I 'd more or less just come out to her . If she wasn 't comfortable with me anymore … Well , it wouldn 't be the first time . Probably wouldn 't be the last , either . It would suck , but I 'd get over it . Eventually . " I guess us outcasts need to stick together , " she said eventually . " I 'm sorry about how I acted before . And I promise not to underestimate you again . You 're a lot tougher than you look . " After that , Phoebe and I spent a lot of time together . Every morning on the bus , we sat together , chatting about the day ahead . We ate lunch together , did homework together , took the bus home together . Eventually , I worked up the courage to ask her to go shopping with me . It wasn 't exactly a date , but I still thought that it would be fun . Okay , so maybe I was thinking of ways I could turn it into more than just shopping , but mostly I was just happy to spend time with her . As it happened , I was half an hour early . Still better than being late , as far as I was concerned . I decided to treat myself to a cold drink while I waited for her , and wandered into a café that I knew was good . Well , it would be silly not to go sit with her , right ? We did have plans , after all . I made my way over to her table , and sat down opposite her , causing her to jump in surprise . " Not as early as you , apparently , " I said , smirking . I couldn 't help but feel good about her early arrival . That had to mean something , right ? She was wearing tight fitted jeans , knee - high boots , a tight t - shirt and a very feminine blazer . It was so perfectly her I just wanted to take a picture and roll around with it . Or , you know , something less weird . We spent the next few hours wandering from store to store , trying things on that caught our fancy , but neither of us spent any money . I already knew that Phoebe was too busy to have a job , and I was just too lazy for one . Even without buying anything though , it was a lot of fun . It occurred to me that outside of school , Phoebe didn 't stand out at all . Well , she stood out as a tall , beautiful woman , but nothing more . Nothing about the way she dressed made people uncomfortable or had them asking questions . Of course , without wearing my sexuality on my sleeve , nobody knew anything about me , either . The two of us could just walk around without anyone noticing or caring . It felt surprisingly relaxing , and I didn 't want the day to end . We passed a formalwear store , and I couldn 't help but to peek in . I was curious , after all . Suddenly , an idea occurred to me . " Well , I wasn 't planning on it , " Phoebe said , looking away . That was perfect ! If she wasn 't planning on going , there wasn 't anyone she would be going with . If I could convince her to go for my sake … " I thought finding someone to go with would be a pain , " she said , and I felt my heart soar . This was almost too easy ! Until , " But then someone actually did ask me , so I think I am going to go with him . Oh , his name is Rex . I think you 'd probably like him . " My heart sank . She was already going ? With a boy ? Of course , I should have expected as much . She was incredibly attractive , so of course someone would ask her , and why wouldn 't she say yes ? We 'd deliberately avoided the topic of her sexual orientation . She didn 't seem to want to talk about it , which should have been a pretty clear sign . She already knew that I was gay , so it was pretty unlikely she 'd want to hide it if she was too , not from me . Honestly it was pretty unlikely that she would have turned out to be gay , but I really wanted her to be , so I did my best to ignore the statistics . I hated myself for letting things get this far . Why had I let myself get so invested in someone I didn 't even have a reasonable chance of being liked by ? Why was I so stupid ? " Actually , I don 't feel so good , " I told her , and I wasn 't technically lying . I did feel nauseous and my entire body ached from tension . " I think maybe I might be done for today . " " You do feel pretty warm , " she said . " Have you been feeling like this all day ? You really shouldn 't have pushed yourself , you know . " I gritted my teeth . Yeah , I knew . I had been pushing myself ; ignoring the obvious signs , letting myself get deeper and deeper into this ridiculous fantasy . All I 'd had to do was ask her , and this could have been over weeks ago . " I 'm fine , " I said , pushing her hand away . " I think I 'm just gonna go home . I 'll see you tomorrow , okay ? " She didn 't say anything else as I struggled to get to my feet , and turned my back on her . Slowly , my footsteps uneven , I made my way back to the bus stop , forcing myself not to look back . I just wanted that to be the last time I saw her . I didn 't go to school the next day . I claimed illness , and in a way , it was true . I was a wreck ; hardly sleeping or eating , barely able to concentrate , my hands trembled whenever I tried to do anything . It 's for the best , I told myself , doing my best not to look at her either . At least it was finally over . It hurt , but I 'd be able to move on once the pain went away . Despite thinking that , I couldn 't help myself . I followed her when she got off the bus , wondering if she 'd go spend time with Rex , her new boyfriend . I shouldn 't have cared , but I did , and there was nothing I could do about that . I had to know . So I followed her , and she did meet up with a guy . They smiled when they saw each other , and hugged when they got close . So that was Rex , huh ? He was a little bit taller than she was , with bright blue eyes , dark brown hair and a smattering of freckles across his face . He was thin and wiry , and seemed to have a generally cheerful demeanour . In other words , he was nothing like me . Gender aside , I wasn 't even close to her type if that 's what she liked . I left before they spotted me , but my mind was occupied with thoughts of Rex . Something about him seemed off , something in the way he looked at Phoebe . I told myself to just let it go , but I 've never been good at listening to myself . Something was up with him , and I was determined to find out what . A plan began to formulate . The next day , after school , I waited by the front gate . It didn 't take long for Rex to show up , a carefree look on his face . I followed him to his bus stop , and when the bus came , I boarded it behind him , taking a seat that would let me watch him without him noticing . I was an old hand at that . I followed him to the food court , still not sure what I was expecting to find . A drug deal ? Another girlfriend ? A gang meeting ? Something that would prove to Phoebe he was no good for her . What did I really think was going to happen ? That I would prove to Phoebe that there was something wrong with Rex , and she would suddenly confess her love for me ? All I would manage to do would be to hurt her . It wouldn 't change a thing about our relationship or how she felt about me . Not to mention , I really didn 't have any reason to suspect Rex of anything . I had a bad feeling about him ? What a load of garbage . I just didn 't like seeing him with the girl I 'd had a crush on for four years . I was just about to give up and go home when I saw the person he was waiting for . It was another boy from our school , I could tell form his uniform . He must have been in Phoebe and Rex 's year level , but I didn 't recognise him at all . Why had they come here separately ? They 'd both clearly come from the same place , why not just take the bus together ? It was almost like they were meeting in secret … Immediately , I realised what I 'd felt when I saw him hugging Phoebe . It was the same expression I had when I interacted with a guy ; complete sexual disinterest . Phoebe 's boyfriend was gay . Did she know ? Was he just leading her on , pretending to be straight because he was in high school ? Suddenly , there was a fire in my belly , and I knew I had to confront him . " With … ? No , I 'm not . Is this because I invited her to the formal ? " He sounded so sincere , not at all what I was expecting . " I felt bad for her , " he said . " She wasn 't going to go , which is such a shame , because she 's so pretty , and a really good person . So I asked her to go with me , because I couldn 't invite the person I really want to be with . " " What ? No ! We have a few classes together , and we were talking about the formal . She asked me if I was going with my boyfriend , and I nearly had a heart attack . When I told her that was impossible , she suggested asking a girl who wouldn 't care if I spent the night with someone else , so I asked her , and she said yes . " That wasn 't what I was expecting . She was just helping out a friend ? A gay friend , at that . Had I overreacted ? It still didn 't mean anything , but … " I 've been trying to do the same thing , " Rex 's boyfriend said , wrapping his arm around Rex 's . " I think Rex found the only beard in our year level , though . " Both of them laughed at that . " Phoebe talks about you all the time , " Rex said , beaming . " It 's a pleasure to finally meet you . Oh , this is my boyfriend , Adam . " " Can I ask you something ? " Rex asked , leaning in closer as if somebody might overhear us . " I won 't tell , I promise . Are you in love with Phoebe ? " The question hit me like a tonne of bricks . In love ? Where did that come from ? I mean , I obviously had a crush on her , but … " D - did Phoebe tell you that ? " I asked , my face burning up . I wasn 't sure if I felt more embarrassed or angry . What right did she have to make that assumption ? Or worse , to tell a complete stranger ? Rex laughed . " God no , " he said . " But the way she talks about you , it seems like that 's what 's going on . I asked her about it , but she says that if you were interested in her , you 'd have asked her out by now . I told her to just ask you out , but she said that it 's impossible . " " Oh my God , I just had the perfect idea , " Rex said suddenly . He leaned over and whispered in Adam 's ear , and Adam 's eyes lit up and he nodded excitedly . " How would you like to come to our formal ? " " We won 't say a word to Phoebe , " Rex promised me . " It 'll be a complete surprise . Ah , it 'll be so romantic ! " Despite everything , I could feel myself letting hope slip back into my heart . I couldn 't help but think that maybe there was still a chance . Maybe I 'd given up just a little too soon . Of course , if I was wrong , if Rex and Adam were wrong , I 'd just be setting myself up for an even more painful rejection . I wasn 't sure I could go through that again so soon . It would probably be safer to just forget about her , and let myself move on . Thoughts of Phoebe rushed through my head . The beautiful girl I 'd watched for years . The gentle girl who looked after me when I was alone . The fierce girl who didn 't hesitate to defend me , even when she probably should have . The girl who left such a painful hole in my heart when we parted ways . Yes , it would definitely be safer not to think about her anymore , not to love her anymore . If only human hearts were that easy to control . " If it blows up in your face , at least you won 't have to cry alone , " Rex said . " But it 's not going to blow up , so don 't worry about it ! Right now , we need to get you a dress . " There were so many times that I wanted to approach her , to just tell her everything . I wanted to rush up to her and spill my guts , to hold her hand and look her in the eye and tell her that I wanted to be with her . I wanted to , but I just couldn 't work up the nerve . " Yeah , " he said . " We weren 't even friends at first . He works at a bookstore , and I didn 't even realise it was him until he was packing my very gay selection of books into a bag for me . I nearly died , but he didn 't say anything about it . " The next day , he invited me to eat lunch with him and his friends , and I thought they were all going to beat the living daylight out of me , so I didn 't go . He came to find me later , and apologised for making me uncomfortable . I didn 't know what to think , but he kept being nice to me , and he didn 't tell anyone . Eventually I worked up the nerve , waited until he got off work , and asked him out . He kissed me right then and there , and it was probably the happiest moment of my life . " We drove in silence for a while , neither of us really knowing what to say . It wasn 't necessarily awkward , just a little strange . Adam seemed happy , though . " It 's … weird , " he said . " It 's like , I really , really want to just stand up and shout to everybody that I love Rex , but I 'm also completely terrified of anybody ever finding out . My family don 't even know , and they keep asking me about girls . I hate not being able to tell them , but at the same time , it 's kind of nice , because I know that what Rex and I have is for us , and we don 't have to share it with anybody else , you know ? Maybe that 's weird . " He laughed , but I understood what he was saying . I 'd never even thought about coming out , I 'd just always been open about it . Considering how that had turned out for me , maybe hiding that side of me would have been easier , but I couldn 't stand the idea of keeping that a secret like there was something wrong with it . We arrived at the venue and walked through the front doors arm in arm . Nobody really paid much attention to us , which I was very grateful for . None of them really knew me , and I guess Adam wasn 't popular enough to warrant a whole lot of extra attention . I caught sight of Phoebe and Rex on the other side of the room , and felt myself actually get a little weak in the knees . I hadn 't expected to be quite so nervous . Luckily Adam was ready , and helped support my weight . Phoebe looked even more amazing than I 'd expected . She was wearing a black suit with a white shirt and no tie , her hair an elegant mess and her makeup looking like something out of a photo shoot . She had a carefree expression on her face , despite the way people around her were looking at her . The two of us made our way across the room , hidden by the crowd until we were right on top of them . Rex saw us first , beaming like the sun when he did . Phoebe 's reaction wasn 't quite so enthusiastic . When she saw me , her eyes grew wide , and she pulled back a bit , a pained expression on her face . No , that expression wasn 't pain . It was fear . I felt like I 'd been slapped in the face . The look on her face , the tone of her voice … I was the last person she 'd wanted to see tonight . My eyes began to water , and I could feel the warm tears rolling down my cheeks . I really had done it again . How could I have let myself be so stupid ? Why was it so easy to hurt me ? I couldn 't stand it . I couldn 't bare her eyes boring into me , full of fear and anger and hurt . My mind went blank , and all I could do was turn away , and run . The breeze out on the balcony was cold almost to the point of being painful , but I didn 't care . Anything was better than being inside , surrounded by so many people it made my head hurt . Anything was better than being around her . Yes , you were , I wanted to say . I wanted to turn around and scream at her until I was blue in the face , but that wouldn 't have been fair . It wasn 't her fault . It was all me . " No , you were just surprised , " I said , turning around to face her . " And who could blame you ? I 'm practically stalking you . " " I don 't know what I was thinking . I guess I just got a little carried away . " I wasn 't thinking , that was the problem . It was more than a little carried away , too . I felt sick . My head was aching , my stomach was cramped and my legs felt like lead . All I wanted to do was to go home , crawl into bed and not come out for days . I couldn 't just leave things like this , though . " I … " I took a deep breath . " I don 't think I can be your friend anymore . It 's too hard , feeling this way about you , and knowing there 's no chance we can be together . " " Oh , " she said , looking down at her feet . Then she looked back up at me , a confused expression on her face . " Wait , what do you mean there 's no chance ? " " You told Rex it would be impossible for you to be with me , " I told her . Well , I 'd said this much . Might as well rip the bandaid all the way off . " Because you 're straight , right ? " " I figured , " I said , my shoulders slumping a little . " I should have just asked you , but I think I already knew the answer . I just didn 't want to hear it . I wanted to keep playing out my fantasy for as long as I could . " That was it , then . I 'd said everything I needed to say , and now so had she . I could feel the tears bubbling up again , and I turned away so she wouldn 't see . What ? What was this feeling rushing through me ? It was like a wave of heat , and all of a sudden , all of my nerves were on fire . I turned back to face her . " Like you said , I 'm straight , " she said . " Or at least , I think I am . Maybe I 'm not . But you … you know who you are . And I just , I couldn 't use you in that way , just to found out if I 'm … " " How ? Phoebe , I 'm attracted to you , and I like spending time with you . I don 't want to marry you . I don 't even know if I 'd like dating you . I just want to try it , because I want to like it . So in a way , we 're really in the same boat here . " " Who cares about ' if ' ? What if you fall in love with me , but I realise you 're actually no good to date ? What 's the point of letting ' if ' stop you from going after something you want ? " There it was again . That reckless hope that had managed to get me this far . That eager hope that made it so easy for me to get hurt , but just as easy for me to move past that pain , and just try again . " Of course I do , " I told her , reaching out to her . Her hand was resting on the rail , and I rested mine gently on top of it . The moment when our skin touched felt almost electric . Her back was to the rail , and I was standing in front of her , leaning in slightly . Our chests were close together , both visibly rising and falling as we struggled to control our breathing . Her face was redder than I 'd ever seen it . I felt her hand on the back of my head , pulling my in closer , and our lips connected once again . Our chests pressed up against each other , and I wrapped my hands around her waist , keeping her close to me . Her hands linked behind my neck , her touch gentle but urgent . Then she pulled away , pushing me back since her back was already up against the rail . There was a worried , frantic look in her eyes . I tried to fight the sinking feeling in my stomach . Phoebe took a step into me , her hand resting on my shoulder . Gently , she turned me around , towards the glass doors that led back into the ballroom . Several pairs of eyes were watching us curiously . |
I 'm a man that did most of it wrong and I 'm paying for it now . I married young to my girlfriend at the time . We were both barely twenty years old but she got pregnant and we got married . Two years later we had our second child ; they were two of the cutest little girls you can picture , Amber and Brittany . I 'm writing this story to let people know that men make mistakes too . Many readers will call my errors in judgment more than mistakes and they will be correct . I 'm using the word mistake to try and simplify my explanation . I am divorced now and have been for over three years . I miss my ex - wife so very much . I also miss seeing my kids more often even though I try to be a big part of their lives . They are now eight and ten and live with their mother . Let me try to start in the beginning after we got married . I was going to college part time and working . I had to quit school to bring in more money . I was lucky and got a great job in the auto assembly plant thanks to my dad who had a little pull getting me this job . I loved Darcy , my wife , very much . She was so young , sweet , and innocent when we met . She was petite and , in my eyes , very pretty . I guess we were too young to get married , at least I was . I took her for granted which I now know was a very bad mistake . Our sex life was good as far as I knew ; I wasn 't the greatest lover and worldly person at twenty . We had sex and it was good . Very rarely would she ever refuse me . Until Amber was born , we did it almost nightly . Sometimes it was quick and at other times we took our time . After Amber 's birth , our sex life slacked off quite a bit . Darcy had a part - time job at the school in the cafeteria and I worked all the hours I could get in the auto plant . We struggled like most young couples but all in all we still lived a pretty decent life . After the birth of Britt , our sex life diminished even more . We were down to once a week or so which seemed like a big drop in our sex life for two young people in love . I began kidding with a couple of the assembly girls at the plant . It started as joking but went a little further and I would touch their tits or ass . It was all in jest but the more they let me touch them , the more I did . I was young and never thought about the consequences of my actions . A group of us that worked together went out after working late one day . I told Darcy that I was going out with the guys at work for a few beers . It was true but I never mentioned the girls that went with us . One was single and the other divorced . They were about three years older than me . One thing lead to another and someone threw some change in the jukebox and Ellie , one of the girls , asked me to dance . I grabbed her ass and she didn 't complain . It had been a few days since I did anything with Darcy and soon had a hard on . Ellie asked me to go out to the car . We went out to my car and I got in and Ellie started kissing me . She undid her jeans and I could see her underwear . She took my hand and put it on her lower belly . I couldn 't help it . I was thinking with my cock as I slid my hand down into her underwear and grabbed her moist pussy . Darcy had been the only pussy I had touched like this since being a teenager and doing a little exploring . Ellie started pumping against my hand and I slid my fingers into her cunt . I couldn 't help it . I was just a stupid kid . In a couple of minutes she came all over my hand . I pulled my hand out of her pants and it was soaking wet . I did bring my hand up to my nose . Ellie smelled so different than Darcy . I thought all women smelled the same , but I was wrong . I had a giant hard - on and Ellie unzipped my pants and pulled it out . " Don 't worry , Big Boy , I 'm not fucking you , " she said as she bent over and took my cock in her mouth . This was the first blow job I had ever had . Darcy always said she wasn 't putting that dirty thing in her mouth . I didn 't last but a minute until I came and shot the load into Ellie 's mouth . She held up a tissue and spit most of it out . There was so much that I knew she had swallowed some . " Damn , Big Boy , that was quite a load . I kept my promise and didn 't fuck you , " she laughed . " If you ever want to play again , just look me up . " She got out of my car and into her own and left . I felt bad . I felt I had cheated on Darcy . I tried to convince myself that it wasn 't cheating but I knew I was just kidding myself . I promised myself that if God would forgive me that I would never do it again . I think most guys have been there at one time or another . As soon as I got home I ran into the bathroom and washed my hands . It seemed like the smell of Ellie wasn 't coming off . I know it was just my brain malfunctioning . I said hi to Darcy and grabbed Amber and held her . I needed to do something to get rid of the guilt I felt . Later when Darcy and I went to bed I tried to feel her up , and make love but she told me she was too tired that night . I really was glad because I hadn 't taken a shower and probably had cum on my cock still . For the next few days , I tried to avoid Ellie . She came up to me and said , " Don 't sweat it , Rhett . It was nothing . I don 't expect you to divorce your wife and marry me . It was just a little playtime between friends , " she said as she reached forward , and grabbed my cock in its confines . She laughed and walked away . Time passed and things were back to normal . Darcy and I bought a house ; a three bedroom ranch with a pool . We knew it would be a little tight on our budget but we wanted to own a home , or at least buy one . My parents gave me enough for a down payment and we moved in . It was in a little town about ten miles from work . The school where Darcy worked was just down the street a couple of blocks . Darcy 's mom would watch the kids whenever Darcy worked so we didn 't have to pay out any childcare . The neighborhood was filled with young people all buying their first houses . That made it kind of nice because we almost all had young kids . Some neighbors we became friends with while others Darcy said she didn 't trust . Our life went on and was becoming boring . I know this happens to most everyone . The sex became mundane but Darcy was happy with our sex life . As I mentioned earlier , I probably wasn 't the greatest lover and Darcy hopefully didn 't have anyone to compare me to . We broke down and bought a computer . Darcy used it for games , when she had time , and e - mailing her family and friends . I used it to go on line and find some erotic stories or some might say ' porno ' to read and look at . It became somewhat addicting . I wanted to spice up our sex life but I think this was the first step in the downfall of my marriage . I read story after story about cheating wives and cuckold husbands , which I prefer to call wimp husbands , and it made me wonder . If I caught Darcy cheating on me or found out she did in the past , how would I react ? This is something that most guys must think about after reading these stories . Fantasies versus reality , that was the question . I know I like my wife to look attractive . In doing so I know she will attract attention from the opposite sex . I guess it 's how we deal with it that counts . If I ever see a man lay a hand on my wife , I would knock him into next week . At least that 's what I 'd hope I 'd do . I am the jealous type and even get a little pissed when she dances close with another guy at a party . On the fantasy side - and I do mean fantasy - I ask myself , " Would it be a turn - on to see her have sex with another man ? " I know that in the throes of passion I have said such things . " Come on , baby , can you feel him fucking you ? Would you like two guys at once ? Do you like his cock ? " I 've even said worse . " Ever fuck a black guy ? Would you like to feel a hot black dick in your pussy ? How about showing other men your pussy ? Have you done it ? Do you let other men squeeze those big tits ? Want some other men to suck them ? " During the sex , I want her to answer , " Yes , " but she always tells me , " No , " that she wants no one but me . I don 't understand why I say such things . Am I the only pervert in this world ? Do I have a death wish for my marriage ? I have no reason to ever suspect her of cheating on me . Maybe it has a lot to do with what I read or watch on television . Every show has somebody cheating or having sex . I 'm surprised they have time to do any acting . It 's not just the programs but the actors and actresses have real life situations almost matching their on - screen performances . I think too much of this kind of TV will fuck up a marriage . After one of my fantasy talk episodes , Darcy asked me if I was happy with her . She was worried about us and was wondering why I would say such things . I tried to explain that it must have been some stories I had read about cheating wives . I 've learned that when two people are developing a relationship , it is imperative that you learn something about that person 's make - up . I learned very early in our relationship that Darcy was a person with two very pronounced attributes that dominated her personality . She was the loving wife and mother , soft spoken , easy going woman whom everyone adored . She would cry over little things and I would always want to hold her . She was as sweet as sweet could be . Darcy 's other side was when she got mad . She was a BITCH in capital letters . No one wanted on her bad side . She could cuss with the best of them . She wasn 't afraid of anyone or anything . I think she goes psycho when she gets extremely angry . One time when she was pregnant with Britt , we went out and some woman said something to her that wasn 't very nice . Darcy beat the living shit out of this woman before anyone could step in and stop it . I tried to stay away from this side of Darcy . One day when I was working late Darcy was having a few of her lady friends come by and enjoy the pool . Some even brought their kids . I walked in the house and glanced out the back window at the pool . Damn ! Most of those women looked pretty good and were dressed in two piece bathing suits . One of the gals named Alice was coming in . I backed away from the window and went to the front door like I was just coming home . She was divorced with two kids and a body to beat hell . She sat in a straight backed chair and I began rubbing her temples . She closed her eyes and just kind of leaned back in the chair . I lowered my hand to her neck and kept rubbing , but now it was her neck . " Women carry a lot of tension in their neck and shoulders . " I lowered my hand to her shoulders and gave her a nice rub . I could also see her chest rise and fall with her breathing . Watching her breasts rise and fall was getting to me . I don 't know why I did it , but I lowered my hands down her front and into her swim top gripping her soft globes in my hands . I saw the areolas around her nipple and gently squeezed each globe . I must have come out of my little sexual trance as I quickly pulled my hands out of her top . Why didn 't she object to it ? As I backed away , I saw Darcy coming through the door . Alice laughed along with Darcy and got up and adjusted her swimsuit . " I better head back out to my little monsters , " said Alice . As she walked out she looked back at me and winked . Hoping I had escaped retribution , I said , " Sure , Honey . In fact go on out with your friends and I 'll put the hot dogs on the grill . " I leaned over and gave her a kiss and headed to the refrigerator . It 's sad that it didn 't bother me more . Maybe it could have been a wake up call . Looking back I sure could have used one . Things went on pretty normally . We made love and cuddled but I always had those damn stories in the back of my mind . Darcy and I were sitting out on the porch and watched the kids playing in the yard . We sat out often and watched a lot of the people in the neighborhood walk or jog by . We would wave or say hi to just about everyone . There was one gal my wife didn 't like . Her name was Jennifer . She walked by and I waved to her just like I did everyone else . After she waved back , then Darcy said hi to her . Her husband worked at the same factory that I did and I heard the same kind of rumors there . He was an ugly sort and a good fifteen years older than her . She was a good looking gal , so we figured that since she liked sex , he used her to get other married couples involved into swinging with them . She definitely could attract the men . What women would see in her husband , Carl , is beyond me . It was about a week later when I made my dreaded mistake . Darcy left me a note that she would be taking the kids and her mother over to see her aunt who lived in another town . She probably wouldn 't get home till late and for me to fix my own dinner . I was sitting out on the porch drinking a beer and waving to the walkers . Jennifer was walking by herself and waved at me , and of course I waved back . She stopped and asked where Darcy was ? I told her that Darcy had gone to visit her aunt . I knew I never should have done it . Here was a good looking woman whom my wife didn 't like asking to come into my home . She was dressed in kind of net wrap over her breasts and her nipples were showing pressing through . She had on a pair of loose fitting jogging shorts that were four inches below her belly button . Looking at her was making my dick hard . I opened the door and as she walked past me she accidentally rubbed her hand against my crotch . At least , that is what I tried to convince myself of . She didn 't say a word until she walked into the kitchen . " What a beautiful kitchen . I love the way she has it decorated and tile floors , and all that cupboard space . Tell her it sure looks beautiful . " She opened the fridge and asked if she could have a beer ? She said she sure was hot . She took the cold beer and started rubbing it against her tits . I was watching her nipples getting harder and harder . " Hmm ! It feels so good . Do you like what you see ? " I was a goner at this point . I walked up to her and planted a kiss on her lips . She set the beer down and put her arms around my neck and kissed me with her mouth open . " Don 't start something you 're unable to finish , " she told me . I reached up and slid my hand under her skimpy top and grabbed her breast . I wasn 't delicate about it . I lowered my mouth to her tit and started sucking hard on her nipple . Her talk was something that Darcy never did ; she wouldn 't talk dirty to me . It was kind of a rush . While sucking on her tit , I slid my hand down the front of her shorts . She wasn 't wearing any undergarments . " Did you find that pussy , Big Boy ? Go ahead , stick a couple of fingers in . You like it , don 't you . Admit it ! Finger fucking another man 's wife is a real turn on , isn 't it ? Come on , lover , answer me . " " I 'm going to fuck you to death . I 'm going to fuck you till you tell me you 've had enough . " I was too far gone now . I was going to fuck this slut whom my wife hates . I wasn 't going to take her to my marital bed , like that would make a difference . I pushed her into my daughters ' room where they both slept on twin beds pushed together . I went quickly into the bathroom and got a big towel and laid it across the bed , hopefully to catch any juices . Jenn lay on the bed and I removed her shorts . Her neatly trimmed pussy was staring me in the face . I quickly jammed two fingers into her pussy with her legs spread wide open . " Do you like it , big boy ? Come give Jenn a good fucking . Let me see that big cock of yours . " She kept talking and daring me . " Bring that cock up and put it in Jenn 's pussy . " After saying that , I shot the biggest load of my life . Jenn was lying there taking it all and asking for more . Thank God , I had the towel under her ass as the juices came out of her hole . I pulled my still somewhat stiff cock out of her . She got up and had me sit on the bed as she kneeled and took my cum - soaked cock into her mouth . She was sucking our joint juices off my cock . It wasn 't long before I shot kind of a mini - load . " No , Jenn , never again . I made a huge mistake . I should never have let you come in . I 'm so sorry for what I did . " I felt terrible , I really did . Sure , fucking another mans wife was something else but now reality set in . I was nothing but a cheating low - life with no will power . Darcy deserved a lot better . I didn 't know what to do . Should I confess to Darcy or hope it goes away . I was a nervous wreck . I went in the girls ' room and straightened up the bed and picked up the cum soaked towel . I wiped a few drops off the hardwood floor that must have dripped out of Jenn 's pussy when she was sucking me off . I wasn 't sure what to do with the towel . I couldn 't leave it for Darcy to find so I decided to wash a load of towels . It would get rid of the evidence . I took a beer and poured some on the kitchen floor and wiped it up with a clean towel . I could use that for my excuse for washing the towels . Besides I could use a beer about then . " Just a load of towels . I spilt beer on the floor and used the towels to clean it up . I knew you would get mad that I didn 't use paper towels , so I thought I would wash them for you . " Now I felt worse . She was being nice to me and I had just cheated on her . " God , please help me . I don 't want her to find out and hurt her . " I thought God helped me the first time , maybe he would help me again . Then I thought about my promise to God , " Help me and I will never do it again . " But I did . I broke my promise to God and my wife . " Did you fuck that slut , Jenn ? I 've been married to you and if I 'm going to believe anybody , it 's going to be you . You know you 're a poor liar and I need the truth , " she said . " Also you should know that Jenn has never been in our house but she knows what kind of bedspread the girls have on their bed . Now , with that all said , did you fuck her ? " " Darcy , it was a mistake . I should have never done it . I 'm so sorry ; I don 't know what to say . Please , I was just too weak . I won 't do it again . Please forgive me . " I was now crying myself . I knew her mood had changed and that I had better leave . I left and got in my truck and drove away . I had no idea where I was going . I also wondered how she found out . Did Jenn call her and why ? Was it just to ruin our marriage ? I headed to Mom and Dad 's . I told them that Darcy had kicked me out and why . My parents loved Darcy and they told me how disappointed they were in me . They said that I could sleep in the basement for a couple of days till Darcy cooled off . If she didn 't let me back in , then I had to find an apartment to live in . They let me know that they were siding with Darcy and she would always be welcome at their home . " Sorry doesn 't cut it . I 'm going to the attorney today to file for a divorce . I 'm here to ask you a couple of questions . " " Okay , explain this ! You bring a woman I despise into our house and fuck her . Not as though that isn 't enough , but then you say you want to include me in your perverted games and want to see that filthy pig Carl fuck me . Is that true or not ? " " Yes , No , Shit , I mean - Oh , Christ . I said it but I never meant it . I never want you with another man . You have to believe me . " " Believe you ? You 've been saying the same thing in our bed , with me . What am I supposed to believe ? You , your dreams , your actions , what kind of a man are you that you have a fucking pig come and ask me for sex ? " " You just told me you said that to your slut girlfriend . Yeah ! I know it all . Her fucking pig of a husband came by and asked me for sex . " " Fine , like you don 't know . Carl came by and said he wanted to talk to me . I told him to wait on the porch , while I turned the stove down because I was cooking . I wasn 't going to let that bastard in my house . When I came in the kitchen , he came up behind me and squeezed my boob . I screamed and pushed him back and grabbed my butcher knife and he backed away . He was scared and went out the front door . He yelled that you said he could come here and have sex with me and that you wanted to swap wives . Did you say that ? " " I didn 't mean it ! Jenn asked me during sex and you know how I get . I might have said something like that , but I never meant it . " " You cock sucker ! I called Jenn and she told me everything . How you loved fucking her and want to watch other men fuck me . Hell , now I know why you even washed the towels . Rhett , I loved you with all my heart and you fucking stomped on it . I 'm going to go to my mom 's and I don 't want you here when I get back . If you are , I promise I will kill you . We 'll talk about the divorce at another time . I can 't right now . " I wanted to say something , but I couldn 't talk . I just watched the love of my life walk out of my life . I cried and then gathered up a few belongings . In the days that followed I found an efficiency apartment above the store that we always go to . It was less than a mile from the house . It was big enough for me . It was already furnished so I didn 't need to take much with me . It was a cheap place to live but was close to my family . My sister and brother both sided with Darcy . Why wouldn 't they ? She was right . I was a fucking weak - willed man who couldn 't say no to other women . Darcy 's family didn 't talk to me much either . Her mom was the only one who still talked to me . Darcy asked for dissolution on the grounds of irreconcilable differences . She gave me the right to come over and see the kids as often as I wanted , as long as I called first . I didn 't take them on weekends since we lived so close . Darcy got pretty much everything , including the house which we barely had any equity in , her car and all the home furnishings . I kept my 401k and my personal things . I paid a pretty hefty child support but I didn 't care . My kids weren 't going to do without because of my faults . I didn 't care ; I lost the only thing that meant anything to me , which was Darcy , only I didn 't act like it . I just wanted us back together . I tried to talk with her about staying together but she wouldn 't budge on the issue , and who could blame her . She was a great wife and mother who married a prick with no willpower . It seemed odd stopping by to see my kids but I was lucky Darcy even went along with it . She told her mom that I was always a good father and she wasn 't going to deprive me or the girls of seeing each other . Most of the time I played with the girls or once they were both in school , I helped them with their homework . I wanted to stay a big part of their lives . Who knew ? Maybe somewhere up the road even Darcy could see I wasn 't so bad . The hardest thing for me when stopping by was seeing Darcy . She always looked so nice and even talked nice to me about anything but us . I wasn 't able to touch or hold her or even give her a light kiss on the cheek . I took it out on the girls by nearly hugging them to death . All in all I didn 't think I wasn 't a bad person . Who am I kidding ? I 'm a fucking prick , putting my wife through hell . I loved my family and I loved my now ex - wife . They are still the reason for my existence . I just wish I hadn 't been such a weak - willed bastard . I still worked hard and worked all the overtime I could get to help support my family . I remember the day I received my divorce papers in the mail . I walked up to my old house and Darcy came to the door crying . She must have gotten her papers also . She opened the door and said , " Not today , Rhett , I can 't see you today . Mom came and took the girls home with her . I just need to be alone . " I started crying again , like I had been doing ever since I got the letter . " Darcy , just so you know , I 'm truly sorry and will always love you . " I turned and went to the neighborhood bar to get plastered . I was drunk when I left the bar and got into my truck . I thought about it and decided that I didn 't need to get caught driving drunk so I walked . I found myself in front of Jenn and Carl 's house . I banged on the door and Carl came to the door . I staggered off the porch and headed home - to my apartment that is . The walk probably did me good . I got to the apartment and passed out . I heard the alarm clock go off for work the next morning . Life went on and I saw the kids as often as I could without being overly disruptive . Darcy and I were getting along pretty good . Sometimes she even asked me to stay for dinner . We even took the kids to the show together and did a few other things . I was never allowed to spend the night and of course never allowed to hug or kiss the woman I loved . Holidays were somewhat of a problem . I would always see the kids and then they would visit their grandparents on both sides . I went to my wife 's parents ' house one time , but got such a cold shoulder , I never went back to their house for the holidays . My mother - in - law , whom we call mum instead of mom so we can tell which mother we are talking about , is the only one to treat me nice . I pretty much get the cold shoulder from everyone else . Even at my parents ' house , I feel like the third wheel . I know my parents haven 't gotten over my actions . Hell , I haven 't gotten over it yet . I decided that from now on , I would just go to my parents ' house alone during the holidays . If Darcy brings the kids later , that 's fine . I was so tired of explaining my stupidity to everyone . I 've been working longer and longer hours lately . I 've been trying to visit with the kids at least twice during the week and to see them at least one day on the weekend . I would take them to see my mom and dad at least once a week . On Wednesday , I heard that my sister and a couple of her female friends were going to have a girls ' night out and invited Darcy to go with them and she accepted . Believe it or not I was dumbfounded . I never thought about Darcy going out and meeting another man . I guess I just assumed that given enough time she would take me back . What an idiot I had become . I knew the girls would go bowling and then probably to the lounge next door to the bowling alley . I was right and when we arrived at the lounge I saw my sister , Darcy and three other women with them . I recognized the other gals as friends of my sister . Darcy was the only single gal at the table . Brad and I sat down and ordered a couple of beers . The band started playing and I went to get up to ask Darcy to dance . That is when she first noticed me and looked surprised . I took two steps before my sister stepped in front of me . " Why , Rhett ? Why are you here ? It took us three months to convince Darcy to get out and have a little fun and as soon as she goes out , you 're right there to spoil it for her . Why don 't you drink your beer , go home and let Darcy forget about her problems for one night . " I knew Sue was right as I turned around to go sit back down . The band was playing a fast song and some guy walked up to Darcy and asked her to dance . She looked over at me and then got up to dance . I knew she mainly got up to spite me and it was working . She was moving her beautiful ass all over the floor . I knew she was shaking it especially because I was there . The song stopped and she was headed back to her seat when the man asked her to continue dancing . It was a slow love song . She kind of shook her head as if to say no but then went back out on the dance floor with the guy . It hurt me , it really did but I deserved everything that happened to me . The man pulled her closer and she didn 't seem overly happy about it . After a minute or so he slid his hand down to her ass and she pushed it back up . When he did it a second time she pushed him away , called him a pig , and went back to her seat . He laughed and headed for the men 's room . Brad had asked my sister to dance and they were still on the dance floor . Brad knew better than to mess with Sue so I knew they were just dancing . I followed the man into the men 's room and , while he was pissing in the urinal , I quickly grabbed him by the nape of the neck and slammed his head into the block wall twice . I then threw him onto his back on the floor and kicked him twice in the gonads . He just laid there a total mess . He never even got a good look at me . I turned and walked back into the bar . The dance had ended and Brad was walking Sue back to her table . I told Brad to come with me quickly . We headed out the door and into our car . When we got about six blocks away , we heard the police cars . I explained to Brad what I did and he told me how stupid that was . " Have you lost your mind ? Let her go ! You 're going to get locked up if you 're not careful . You can 't make her love you ; it 's something that she has to choose . " " What the hell did you do ? The police came to our table since I was the last one to dance with him . I told them I didn 't even know the guy . What is the matter with you , Rhett ? " " You 're right , I 'm sorry , I will never bother you again when you go out . If I ever see you , I 'll leave the place . I can 't seem to do anything right . " I hung up the phone . |
Today the weather was absolutely gorgeous ! A few of my friends and I decided to take a advantage of this and do a little swimming . We weren 't exactly sure where we were going to swim , but we knew we wanted to . One idea was to do a Fountain Run . I know this isn 't exactly swimming , but we would still be able to get wet and soak up some sun . Although this was a great idea , we decided to go another route . Luckily we knew some people who had a swimming pool and slip and slide set up . We were all very excited about this . Unfortunately we didn 't end up getting there until about 7 : 30 p . m . , and by that time , the temperature had cooled off quite a bit . The water used on the slip and slide was cold ; however , the water in the pool was fairly warm . It at least felt warm compared to the slip and slide water anyway . Without much hesitation , we jumped into the pool . It was a lot of fun at first , but then the sun started going down and we started to get cold . We knew we would be much colder once we got out so we kept putting it off . Suddenly an idea came to mind . I saw the mud down at the end of the slip and slide and I thought it would be really fun to have a small mud fight . There were a few guys there , and I 'm sure you know that guys are usually all for mud fights . Before we knew it , we were all headed to the mud . Once my friends and I got to the mud , we realized it was a little colder than we expected . We didn 't really get a chance to change our minds because we were being picked up and thrown into the mud . Since we were already dirty , we decided we might as well get the guys that threw us in dirty too . After about 10 minutes of playing in the mud we decided we had about enough . Even though it didn 't turn out the way we expected , we still had an awesome time A while back I blogged about 4 - H . I gave a pretty basic explanation about 4 - H and what it means to me , but I feel there is much more that I want to share . In my other blog about 4 - H I didn 't really go into much detail about the projects I took , and now looking back I realized it is something worth blogging about . As I mentioned before , I showed dairy cattle in 4 - H . All cattle aren 't shown the same way . Beef cattle are actually shown quite different than dairy cattle . I can 't tell you the real reason for this , but I can tell you how these two show practices are different . When showing dairy cattle , the showman leads the animal while walking backwards ; however , the showman walks forward while showing beef cattle . Beef showmen also use a long stick when they show . I 've never shown beef cattle so I 'm not really sure why the stick is used , but I think it may be used to try to keep the animals calm . The showman stroke the animal 's stomach with the stick , and the stick can also be used to correct the animals feet if they aren 't lined up just right . I always thought it would be hard to try to show a cow while holding a large stick , but beef people think it would be hard to show a cow while walking backwards . I guess it all depends on what you 're used to . Dairy cattle are also groomed different than beef cattle . Beef showman spend hours washing , blow drying , painting , and sprayin g their cows hair . On the other hand , all that needs to be done with dairy steers is a good wash and let them air dry . Sometimes showman apply a little show sheen to a cloth and wipe their animals down . This makes the animal look sleek and shiny and it helps cover some flaws the animal might have . Showing dairy heifers or milk cows is a little more complicated than showing dairy steers , but it 's still less work than grooming beef cattle . Judges for dairy heifers and cows are very strict on the way the animals hair is " styled " . The basic guidelines of clipping diary heifers and cows can be found here . One of the best parts of showing cattle was getting money from selling them . I know this probably seems like it would be a little sad , but it got easier over time . The first time I had to sell my cow I wasn 't really sure how I was going to handle the whole situation . I 've grown up knowing that animals don 't live forever , and I knew where my dad was taking cows once they got old . I even went with my dad to stalk yard to sell cows sometime . This time it was different because I had grown attached to my cow . When the time came to finally take my cow through the sale , I was extremely nervous . I surprised myself because I wasn 't too sad . The only time I actually got upset was when I had to hand my cow off too the guys loading the stock trailer . When I saw my cow being led up the ramp I had to fight back the tears . My dad must have read my mind because he gave me a big hug and said lets go get your check . Once I got my check , I felt a little better . I don 't want you to think I 'm heartless or anything , but getting that money seemed to be my reward for all the work I had put in to the project . People always told me that selling the first cow was always the hardest , but I found that every year I was always a little sad . I still loved showing dairy cattle , and I loved 4 - H . I learned a lot about hard work and letting go , and I will always cherish the memories I made . It finally feels like we may actually be getting closer to spring ! It 's sunny outside , the weather is warm , and most importantly the fountains have been turned on . It may just be me , but it made me so happy when I walked out of class yesterday to see the fountains on ! Every time there has been a warm day the last few weeks , my friends and I would discuss when we thought the fountains would be turned on again . I felt even though I know spring is coming soon , it never really seemed like it was ever going to get here because the fountains weren 't on . Now when I walk by a fountain I see people sitting all around it studying and talking . Some people seem to just enjoy laying by the fountain and soaking up some sun . I 've even seen a few kids playing tag around the fountain . Just seeing everyone else enjoy being outside puts me in a better mood . I never noticed how much I actually enjoyed the fountains until they were shut off for the winter . Having them on again reminds me there are only 3 weeks left until summer break . This means I only have a few weeks to get another fountain run in before I leave campus ! During the summer , there is one major task that must be accomplished on our farm . We have to bale hay and straw . This may not sound like too big of a deal , but it is actually a lot of hard work . First of all , baling is usually done in the middle of the summer , which means it is extremely hot . Lifting heavy bales while being outside in 90 degree weather is no small task . In order to get all of our baling done in about a day and a half , we have to have a lot of people to help us out . There has to be at least two people on the wagon loading while one person drives the tractor and baler . We also have to have one person to transport full wagons to the barns and empty wagons back to the field . It usually takes about 6 more people to unload the wagons . I 'm sure you can imagine that it can be rather difficult to round up ten people willing to suffer in the hot weather for a day and half . My dad would pay the workers , but let 's face it , most people would rather be swimming doing something else to keep cool . I found out rather quickly that when my dad couldn 't find enough people to help out , I would always " volunteer " to help . I believe I was about 14 the first time I " volunteered " for this task . Since I 'm a girl , my strength wasn 't really valued among the guys . Basically what I 'm saying is I was going to get stuck doing some type of driving . Hauling the wagons back and forth would not be a bad job at all because I would have air - conditioning and radio ; however , since I didn 't have my drivers license , this small bit of hope was quickly taken away . I knew I was going to get stuck driving the tractor . I was really nervous about this task because I had never driven a tractor before . My sister went out with me the first day to try to give me a few pointers . As she was telling me all sorts of things , I started to panic . There was no way I would ever be able to remember all these things . A few of the most important rules are : always make right turns when pulling a baler and a wagon , let off the clutch slowly or else you will knock ePosted by In the summer , it can be difficult to find fun , cool activities to do outside . Swimming is probably the most obvious activity , but after a while that can get a little old . Many people enjoy boating and skiing . I love to go whitewater rafting , but in Indiana it 's hard to find somewhere to raft that isn 't too far away . Another activity that is relatively easy to do in Indiana is canoeing . My first experience canoeing was quite interesting . One of my friends decided she wanted to take a few of us canoeing for her birthday . A few people turned into a rather large group . There ended up being enough people that we had to take 3 canoes . I was a little apprehensive about canoeing at first . I had never been before so I didn 't really know what to expect . I was really worried about tipping the canoe over , but once we got on the water , I felt much more comfortable . Canoeing actually turned out to be very relaxing . Since people usually canoe in calm water , there isn 't a lot of work to do while canoeing . The two major responsibilities are to paddle occasionally and steer clear of the shore . For the most part our group did a fairly good job of this ; however , with three canoes full of teenage kids , there is bound to be some excitement . Two guys in one canoe decided they wanted to get out and swim . They were able to get out just fine , but getting back in the canoe was the problem . As they were trying to hoist themselves back into the boat , they accidently tipped it . Unfortunately , the place the boat tipped was very deep . They were half - heartedly trying to turn the boat right side up , but they couldn 't touch in the deep water . The boys thought it was funny , and the rest of us were sure the boat was going to sink . Once someone threatened the possibility of snakes in the water , the boys flipped the canoe right over and jumped in . I doubt there were any poisonous snakes , but it was a good enough threat to get them back in the boat . A little while later we came up on a long rope tied to a tree . We saw many people taking a break aPosted by I 've seen some crazy things growing up on a farm . One of the oddest things I 've seen happened one night this past summer . I woke up around 2 o ' clock in the morning because I heard a man 's voice talking . I realized right away it wasn 't my dad or my brother . I was quite alarmed at first , but then I heard my talking to this man . Once I realized that everything was ok , I tried to figure out who would show up at our house at 2 o ' clock in the morning . The only person I 'd every known to come to house in the middle of the night was the sheriff . I know this sounds alarming , but if we have cows that get out or something during the night , the sheriff will come by and tell my dad . He usually even sticks around and helps my dad get the cows back to where they belong . After I thought of this , I figured we just had some cows out and there was nothing to worry about . So , I fell right back to sleep without giving the issue any more thought . When I woke up in the morning , I asked my mom about the situation . She told me that we actually didn 't have any cows out . Apparently there were two beef cows and a goat out roaming around . A neighbor and the sheriff were taking them around to people they thought they might own these animals . My dad told them we didn 't have that type of cows and we most definitely didn 't have any goats . I found the whole situation a little humorous . Not every day does the sheriff come to your door asking if you lost two cows and a goat . My parents and I joked about it a little , but by the afternoon we had sort of forgotten about it . That evening we went out to eat , and when we got back from eating , we noticed there were two cows in our pasture that didn 't match the rest . Yes . The two homeless cows had somehow gotten into our pasture . Needless to say we were all a little surprised . The next thought that crossed our mind was if the goat was also wondering around somewhere . Sure enough the goat had found its way into one of our barns . My dad really didn 't know what to do . At first he thought maPosted by Dogs are my favorite animals . My family has had a number of dogs over the years , and I 've loved all of them . Growing up I always wanted a dog that could be in the house . Since we lived on a farm and our dogs were always getting dirty , my parents never let us have any pets in the house . My junior year in high school we got a new puppy . She was a Jack Russell Terrier . I had never really been a big fan of little dogs because we always had rather big dogs ; however , something about this litter of Jack Russells caught my eye . I also knew that if I got a smaller dog , there was a good chance my parents would let me keep it in the house . There was one particular pup that I really liked . She had more spots than the rest of the puppies and she was very fiesty . She was always growling and wrestling around . I chose her because she seemed like she would be the most fun . What I didn 't know was that I was in for quite an adventure . The first thing I do when I get a new animal is try to pick a name . Sometimes it 's hard to choose a name before you actually get to know the animal 's personality . I was having a really hard time trying to pick a name for my new puppy . She was very active and she was mean most of the time . The only time I could really get close to her was while she was sleeping . After a couple weeks a name finally came to me . I decided to name her after a character in one of my favorite books . My favorite book is To Kill a Mockingbird . The character I chose to name my puppy after was Scout . I chose this character because she is a tough little girl that likes to fight . This name turned out to fit my puppy perfectly . Scout would attack my feet every time I sat in a chair . When I walked through a room she would bite my pant legs and I would have to drag her several feet before she let go . She also would destroy anything in sight . We had to keep everything away from her . After the first few weeks I was worried she would never out grow this awful puppy stage . Scout did eventually grew out of her puppy stage , and she has turned Posted by Sports have always been a very important part of my life . Even back when I was 2 years old , I was in tap dance . Over the years my interests in sports have changed a little , but from fifth grade through high school I was very active in basketball and volleyball . In order to be competitive in sports , I had to play these sports in the off season as well . As you can imagine , I didn 't have much time left to try other sports . One sport I always wanted to try was golf . I know watching golf on T . V . can be pretty boring at times , but I always thought it would be fun to be able to play a sport that didn 't require you to be in a gym . If my high school had a girl 's golf team , I probably would have made time for it ; however , I decided it wasn 't worth embarrassing myself in front of the guys team . I could have hired someone to teach my how to play , but since I 'm a pretty shy person , I didn 't feel comfortable taking lessons from a complete stranger . After my senior year , I had a lot more free time . It was the first time I was going to have the entire summer without camps , open gyms , games , and practices . I was really looking forward to having this time to myself . I decided it would be a good time to try something new . Of course the first thing that came to mind was golfing . Fortunately , my boyfriend is a dedicated golfer , and he jumped at the opportunity to share one of his hobbies with me . He was really excited to get me golfing because he knew it was something we could do together . I always imagined that golf was a hard sport , but I had no idea how hard it was until I was actually getting my first lesson . We were just out in the yard , and my boyfriend was trying to tell me the most important tips before I took my first swing . I started off just trying to perfect my swing because I wasn 't comfortable enough to actually try to hit a golf ball yet . After quite a few swings , my boyfriend finally convinced me to try to hit a ball . My worst fear was that I would swing and completely miss the ball because it would have embarrassed me . UPosted by In my previous entry I shared my experience of getting my first horse . I had high hopes of having a special relationship with my horse . I had seen how much my sister enjoyed her horse , and I wanted to have a special horse just like she did . I guess I set myself up for a let down because I set my standards pretty high . Unfortunately , I didn 't have the kind of relationship with Ranger that I expected to have . At first Ranger was really sweet and lovable , but after about a year , things seemed to change . We shared a lot of different experiences that only made it harder for me to like him . One night my sister and I decided to go riding . We were at the stage where I wanted to do everything like her and it drove her crazy . Since she didn 't enjoy me riding with her and I didn 't like to go as fast as she did , she rode ahead of me . Ranger decided he was going to be scared of the round bales in the field . So there I was , in the middle of the field by myself , and I couldn 't get Ranger to go anywhere . I rode around in circles for quite some time before my sister came back . As soon as she showed up , Ranger walked right past the round bales like nothing had ever happened . Another problem I found in Ranger was that he liked to bite . My horse and my sister 's horse would sometimes bite each other . Unfortunately the biting didn 't stop there . One afternoon I was in Ranger 's pin petting him . I thought he was enjoying it . I was feeling fairly generous so I gave Ranger a slice of hay and continued to pet him . He had his head down eating his hay , and before I knew it , he looked at my leg and bit me . He bit my right on my shin , and unfortunately I was wearing shorts so there was nothing to protect me leg . I wasn 't the only person Ranger bit . The other incident where Ranger bit someone was also completely unexpected . My dad and brother were inside the horses ' pin putting up some installation . It was cold outside and both my dad and brother were wearing quite a few layers . My brother was bent over working , and I guess Ranger Posted by I 've always loved animals . Some I like more than others , but I 'm sure that 's true for most people . Horses rank near the top of my list of favorites . I 've loved horses for as long as I can remember . When I was young we had a little pony we called Smokey Joe . My parents got this pony even before I was born . Unfortunately I 'm unable to remember much about her because she died when I was very young , but I believe she 's one of the reasons I 've always liked horses . A while after Smokey Joe passed , my sister got a new horse . She named her new horse Prince . He was a big beautiful Bay . He was gentle by nature , loved kids , and he always wanted to be loved on . When my sister first got Prince , he wasn 't exactly perfect , but after a year or two of tough love and bonding , they formed a comfortable relationship . Seeing this close bond and how much my sister enjoyed her horse made me want a horse of my own . My parents were skeptical of course because horses aren 't cheap . I knew the deal would be that I would have to buy my own horse , but I insisted that they let me . I was positive I wouldn 't regret spending my money on one . I was finally able to convince them that a horse was what I really wanted . So the search began for my horse . I 'm not sure how many different horses we looked at , but to me it felt like a ton . I liked every horse we went and saw , but my mom wasn 't so easily persuaded . We finally found a horse that we both agreed on . I was so excited about it . This horse was a little bigger and a little more expensive then we had planned on , but my mom and I both really liked it . He was a red brown color and he had a patch of white on his forehead . We got the deal worked out and the people we bought him off of were going to deliver him to my house in a week . I 'm pretty sure I couldn 't sleep at all that week because I was so excited . When the day finally came that my horse was going to be delivered , I was so anxious . It was pointless for me to even go to school that day because I couldn 't focus on anythPosted by Even though I lived out in the country and there was always something to do , I always enjoyed watching movies . One of my all time favorite movies is called The Great Outdoors . A little ironic isn 't it ? If you 've never seen this movie , I highly recommend it . This movie is incorporates the great outdoors with a very strange , but hilarious , vacation . This movie is about Chet Ripley , a Chicago father played by John Candy , who decides to take his family to a secluded cabin for a nice quiet vacation . What he doesn 't plan on is crazy brother - in - law Roman Craig , played by Dan Aykroyd , dropping in with his strange family . The family vacation takes a wild turn , and nothing turns out the way Chet planned . Chet envisioned taking his sons fishing , feeding the bears , having relaxing meals with the family , and playing card games . Unfortunately Roman had other plans . Roman wanted to out do Chet by doing more exciting and expensive things . The whole family , except Chet , enjoyed all of Roman 's crazy activities , and Chet always ended up getting hurt in some way . One of the reason 's I enjoy this movie so much is because it reminds me of a lot of my family vacations . I 'm not saying I have a crazy uncle that crashes our vacations but it always seems our family vacations never went as planned . For some reason there was always at least one person that would get sick while we were on vacation , or the day we planned to go to the beach , it would storm . I 'm sure if you 've ever been on a family vacation , then you know what I 'm talking about . In my own experiences though , the vacations that didn 't go as planned were the most memorable , and they ended up being the best . One vacation we went on we stayed in an awful resort on a lake . We thought the resort would be really nice and it was in a very good location . However , when we arrived we were all shocked . It wasn 't like anything we 'd ever seen before . It was an ugly green color with white stripes and a maroon door . This inside looked like nothing had been changed since the Posted by I 've noticed that growing up on a farm has made me tougher in a lot of ways . The main way that comes to mind is that I don 't scare easily . I 've done a lot of walking in old barns alone at night and it doesn 't really bother me . I can sleep out in the middle of a field in a tent and last the whole night . I can see a mouse or rat and not have the urge to scream and get my feet off the ground . If there is a spider in the shower in the morning , I can dispose of it myself . Although all of these things may make me seem a little brave , there is still one thing that really freaks me out . It wasn 't until a chance encounter one night that I realized I am deathly afraid of opossums . I always knew they were ugly and a little disgusting , but I never really understood just how bad they were until I got a little too close to one . This whole " event " took place about 4 years ago on my farm . I was finishing up my evening chores like I always did . I would always try to get my chores done before dark so I didn 't have to mess with flashlights and turning the lights on and off , but for some reason I was running a little behind this particular night . I had most of my work done , but I was waiting on my brother to get done with his chores because I needed his help for something . I decided to sit down in one of our barns while I was waiting . As I was sitting there I noticed some of our cats were acting a little strange . Then I heard my dog growling , but I figured he was just growling at the cats . I didn 't think anything of it ; however , I noticed the cats were sort of running away . Once again I just figured they were scared of the dog or something . A few minutes later I felt like one of the cats was near my feet , but when I looked down , I saw a huge opossum almost touching my feet ! I jumped up and ran to the other end of the barn . My heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to explode . I had never been that scared before in my life . I had also never moved the quickly before . Even though I had gotten away from the oposPosted by It 's amazing how much someone 's mood can change just because of the weather . The last few days have been incredibly warm compared to the winter we 've been having this year . Just looking around campus , I 've seen so many people out and about having a good time . I 've seen people out playing football and Frisbee . People are actually sitting outside doing homework and listening to music . I don 't personally participate in either of these activities , but just watching it puts me in a better mood . It 's not just me though . I 've noticed most people in general are in a better mood . The good mood could be partially caused by the fact that Spring Break is just around the corner , but the warm weather seems to heighten everyone 's excitement . Another great thing about warm weather is not having to bundle up before going outside . It 's so nice being able to grab a sweatshirt and actually be warm while walking to class . It 's great being able to enjoy walking to class . The weather is not too cold and it 's not too hot . It seems to be almost the perfect weather . I know it 's just a small taste of spring , but it at least shows that spring is on its way . Better yet , it means the semester will be over before we know it . Throughout high school I was very active in a variety of clubs . My favorite club was Foreign Language Club . It 's a little ironic because my tiny high school only had 1 foreign language so technically our club was just a Spanish Club . Nevertheless , I have a wide variety of great memories from it . In order to become an active member of Foreign Language Club , everyone had to go through a process we liked to call initiation . I remember my brother and sister 's stories of being initiated , and when my time came to be initiated I was really worried . My sister told me she had to wash her hair about 5 times in order to get all the vinegar out . My brother was completely covered in mustard and ketchup . As you can imagine I was expecting the worse . Fortunately , the year I was initiated it wasn 't too bad . Eating baby food and bobbing for spam were the worst things I had to do . One of the biggest incentives of going through initiation was that the next year you got to initiate the next incoming group . I personally thought planning initiation was definitely worth going through initiation . Initiation my senior year was the most fun . Since I lived out in the country and had a lot of open space , I was nominated to host the initiation . Ironically I found that planning initiation was almost as much fun as the actual initiation . Most of our fun came while we were planning skits . We thought it would be fun to create different scenes ahead of time and make the new members act them out . Some of the scenes we chose were quite ridiculous . We would usually try to pair people for skits that definitely didn 't fit their personalities . If you 've every played charades , then you know how entertaining it can be to watch people act things out they aren 't comfortable doing . Since most of the initiates were freshman , we had a big advantage because they didn 't know much Spanish yet . We used this opportunity to really freak them out before they even got to my house . We gave them a pledge in Spanish the day before initiation and told them they Posted by I feel I 've been very fortunate to be able to grow up on a farm . While I was growing up , I never really understood the advantages of living on a farm , but now that I 'm away from it I have a little different perspective . Moving to a city - like atmosphere has given me the opportunity to live a different lifestyle and meet a wide variety of people . Throughout this experience I 've been able to see that most people don 't know what it 's like to grow up on a farm . When I tell people that I 've grown up on a dairy farm , most people seem really surprised . I 've found that once I start talking about my experiences , people actually have a lot of questions . The main point of my blog is to share my country experiences with anyone interested , but I 'm not always sure what people want to know . I feel in order to truly fulfill the purpose of my blog , I need to be able to answer questions or shine light on areas that people are interested in . Even though I 'm now aware that I 've seen some crazy things that not everyone gets to see , I 'm still not sure which experiences will be interesting to readers . If you have any questions or anything you 're interested in feel free to post a comment . I 'll try my best to answer it . I loved living on a farm when I was growing up , but one of the things I loved the most was being able to participate in 4 - H . One of the main reasons I enjoyed 4 - H so much was because our county fair was by far the best . It may seem that all the county fairs in Indiana would be quite similar , but that is definitely not the case . Our county fair seemed to stick to the basics of 4 - H . The fair grounds included : the hog barn , the sheep / goat barn , the cattle barn , the horse barn , two show arenas , the camp area , the project barn , a play ground , and of course the famous cafeteria . Across the road there was also the antique tractor display . The only ride that could be found at our fair was the merry - go - round , and for most I 'm sure that doesn 't qualify . I 'm sure everyone is partial to their own fair . It may seem silly to get so attached , but for many others and myself it was the highlight of the summer . It always seemed that the people in 4 - H had a special bond . In my experience , I found that I had a whole other set of friends that I hung out with during the 4 - H fair . It was the one week out of the year that it was ok to be friends with someone on the rival basketball team . It seemed as though school districts and county rivalry was thrown out the window during that week . While I consider my county 's fair to be " traditional " , us 4 - Hers had a few traditions of our own . It was a well - known fact that everyone was thrown in the manure spreader at some point during their 10 years . I was fortunate enough to be one of the exceptions . I consider myself very lucky to have never been thrown in the spreader . It was also expected to have at least one water fight at some point during the week . Unfortunately I had more than my fair share of water fights . I usually got soaked about 3 times during the week . I did get smarter though , and I started keeping a change of clothes in my show box . 4 - H was definitely a lot of fun , but there is a lot of work that goes in to preparing for that week . I showed cattle and I absolutely loved it . SomeZebra Lady In my previous blog I talked about getting my first puppy . While I think it is a good story , I wasn 't able to give any of the details of my dog 's unique personality . My first dog was different from any other dog I 'd ever seen . He was different in the way he looked and the way he acted . One of the hardest things for me was naming my puppy . I could come up with plenty of names , but none of them every really seemed to fit him . Once my dog got a little older he sort of " grew into " a different name . I think his original name was Comet , and I think I only named him that because that was the name of the dog on the T . V . show Full House . So I called my dog Comet for maybe a month , but once he got a little older , I started calling him Chewie . One reason I felt that name fit my dog was because of the way he looked . My dog looked exactly like Chewbacca . Now this may not mean anything to you if you haven 't seen any of the Star Wars movies , but if you have seen them , you know that Chewie is Chewbacca 's nickname . Most people actually thought my dog was really ugly ( including my dad , sister , and brother ) , but I could never understand what they were talking about . I thought he looked awesome . Another reason Chewie was a good name for my dog was because he had the same loyal personality as Chewbacca . The only two people my dog really liked was me and my mom . He tolerated my dad , sister , and brother , but he never seemed to really like them . I think it was because they made fun of him and he could sense it . My dog was big and he looked mean , so he intimidated a lot of people . He could usually sense if someone was afraid of him , and if they were he would take full advantage of it . When certain people would come to our house , my dog would sit right outside their car door and growl at them . For some reason once my dog decided he didn 't like someone , he 'd never let that person out of his or her car . This was very useful because most of the time he would scare sales people enough that they would just leave . Unfortunately , hPosted by At a very early age I discovered my love for dogs . Luckily I grew up on a farm , so my parents could never use the excuse we don 't have room for one or it will have to be caged up all day . We had plenty of room and no need to own cage or a chain for that matter . I always loved all our dogs , but once my sister got her own dog for her birthday , I wanted my own dog too . My parents were strict about getting an animal and taking care of it . No matter how many times I told them I would take care of my dog , they were afraid I would quickly lose interest leaving them to feed and water it . I on the other hand , knew that would definitely not happen . My persistence and pleading didn 't work for quite some time . For my eighth birthday , I decided a puppy was the only thing I would ask for . I repeatedly told my parents that it was really the only thing I wanted . As my birthday approached , I started getting nervous . I had no idea if all my begging had worked or not . My birthday was on a weekday , so I had to go to school . Before I left for school I made a deal with my mom . The deal was that if she got me a puppy , she would pick me up from school , and if she didn 't then I would ride the bus home . Looking back I honestly have no idea why I asked her to do that because I still had to wait until the end of the day to find out if she got me a puppy . Anyways , all day at school all I could think about was whether or not she was going to be waiting on me when the bell rang to release us . Finally the bell rang and the day was over . I walked down the hall and at first there was no sign of my mom . When I turned the corner , I saw her waiting for me . I ran up and asked her if she got it about a thousand times , and all she would say to me is that I 'd have to wait . So we walked out to the car . When I opened the door , my new puppy jumped into my arms . I was so excited . I know a lot of people usually get to pick their first dog , but my mom picked my dog from a litter of puppies from the pound . The funny part is that my puppy had growled at her Posted by Two of the most commonly confused farm materials are hay and straw . If you aren 't familiar with the two it may not seem like there is a big difference ; however , to farmers , the two are as different as night and day . Hay is a green / brown color , and it is used mostly to feed animals . On the other hand , straw is used primarily as bedding for animals and it 's gold . The one thing hay and straw do have in common is that they are both extremely sharp and itchy . If skin rubs against hay and straw , the result is painful . There will be tiny cuts and bumps , which burn severely when you get in the shower and try to clean them . Growing up I wasn 't affected by the numerous cuts and scrapes . All I cared about was getting to play on the bales that were put away in the barn . We had high stacks in the loft of our barns . My friends and I thought it was cool to climb around on the bales . We would create all sorts of crazy games to play up in the loft . For example , it was a great course for hide and seek . We also had a blast moving the bales around and making pretend houses . When we got a little older , we also became braver . One time my friend and I wondered into the loft and found the straw was stacked very high as usual , but then instead of stair stepping down , it was a straight dropped off . So , we made a large pile of loose straw at the bottom to give us a soft landing . We climbed up to the top of stack of bales , and without thinking about how dangerous it was , we jumped off . Neither of us got hurt , so we went through the maneuver about 20 more times . Looking back I think about all the things that could have gone wrong , and I realize we were both very lucky to make it out alive . Another fun activity we discovered was making hay tunnels . We would map out where we wanted the tunnels to go and how many we wanted . We would then have to drag the bales and stack them just right . Luckily we were fairly small so the tunnels didn 't have to be very big . Also , since we were pretty young we weren 't very strong . By the time we got all tPosted by One of the recent hobbies I 've picked up is fishing . Yes … . Fishing ! It may sound a little odd and boring to most , but it 's actually the exact opposite . I 've found that fishing is a great escape from the real world and all it 's worries . As I mentioned before , I 've only recently started fishing . I think one of the reasons I became " hooked " on it is because of my first experience . You may be wondering why I actually started fishing in the first place . Well , it all started with my boyfriend . He 'd been trying to get me to go fishing for a while , but I was reluctant . Honestly I was a little afraid fishing would be boring . However , after he went shopping with me , watched the movies I wanted to watch , and came to so many of my volleyball tournaments I lost count , I decided it was my turn to do something he wanted to do . We went to a lake not far from his house . Now usually when someone is just beginning to fish , they start out with a spinning reel . This reel is great for beginners because it automatically stops the line when the bait hits the water . This means the line doesn 't keep spinning and get tangled up . Unfortunately in my case , my boyfriend decided to skip this step and throw me right into using a baitcaster . With this reel the person fishing has to have good enough judgment to know when to start slowing the line down . It 's also important to know to stop the line right as the bait hits the water . If the line is stopped too soon , it will be too short , and the result is a wimpy cast that only goes a few feet . This type of cast usually ends with an embarrassing splash likely to scare most of the fish away . On the other hand , the line will keep going and get in a huge knot inside the reel if it isn 't stopped just at the right time . As you can see , there are a lot of things to think about with a baitcaster , and that doesn 't even include trying to make a decent cast . Casting is all about timing , and it takes a lot of practice . It took me about an hour or so before I could get a cast off without getPosted by When the weather is dangerously cold , it 's hard on people everywhere . This winter has definitely had its fair share of dangerously cold , snowy , and icy days . Walking to class in those types of conditions is definitely not my idea of fun ; however , I would prefer walking to class over having to work on the farm in that weather . Many times when the weather gets really dangerous cities and towns are able to shut down . Events , school , work , etc . can be canceled or postponed . Unfortunately , farmers don 't have this luxury . If the weather gets bad , they don 't get a snow day or a two hour delay . The animals still have to be taken care of , and harsh weather can create many obstacles that stand in the way of accomplishing this task . When the temperature is extremely cold , it creates many additional problems for farmers . One of the major problems they are faced with is water freezing . On our farm we have about 250 head of cattle , and we have enough water tanks to accommodate all of them . Only a few of the water tanks are filled manually with a hose twice a day . Our other water tanks have devices called a float switch . " Maybe Link float switch " These devices allow water to automatically be added when the water reaches a certain level . When temperatures get very low , these devices freeze . This obviously creates a large problem . The only way to fix this problem is to carry numerous buckets of hot water and dump on the water tanks until they thaw out . Another problem farmer 's face is trying to get farm equipment , such as tractors , to run in cold temperatures . I 'm sure you 've experienced or heard stories of vehicles not starting in extreme temperatures . Tractors are no different , and without tractors , many of the chores on the farm would be impossible . There is one memory in particular that stands out in my mind . One really cold day my dad was having a hard time starting one of our tractors , and once it did start it would only go a few feet before it died again . This tractor is really old so it wasn 't too surprising this happenedZebra Lady Summer is by far my favorite season . There are so many activities that can only truly be enjoyed in the summer . Some of these include fishing , golfing , putt - putt golfing , and swimming . There are many other activities to do in the summer , but these are my personal favorites . For this particular entry I 'm going to focus on swimming . Swimming is definitely my FAVORTIE thing to do in the summer . I believe this " addiction " started in my early childhood . Growing up , my favorite movie was The Little Mermaid , and for the longest time I wanted to be a mermaid more than anything . Fortunately I don 't want to be a mermaid anymore , but the swimming fascination stuck with me . Until I was about 13 , I didn 't have a swimming pool . There was a county swimming pool that I could have gone to , but it was always really crowded and I never had much fun there . However , my friends and I found many other fun ways to keep cool during the summer . One of my favorite things to do was to slip and slide . We had a small hill in our front yard where we placed a very large tarp . When I say small , I mean it wasn 't large enough to get hurt on , but it was still big enough to send us flying . We would drag a hose out to the tarp and keep water constantly running on it . We would take a running start and go flying down it . On the way down we would occasionally hit some bumps and rough spots , but the pain didn 't phase us at all . Even though swimming wasn 't an option at that time , I was fortunate enough to have a trampoline , which leads me to my next way of staying cool . If you have a trampoline I 'm sure you 're well aware that it gets extremely hot in the summer . So , our whole way of keeping cool started with just trying to keep the trampoline cool enough to jump on . We would use the hose to spray water on top of the trampoline to cool it , but after only a couple minutes the trampoline would dry out and be back to its scorching temperature agian . Instead of getting off the trampoline every 5 minutes to turn the hose on and cool it off , we decZebra Lady With all the snow we 've been having , I thought it would be appropriate to talk about sledding . I 've been going sledding for as long as I can remember , and I don 't think I could ever get tired of it . The best part about sledding is there are so many different ways to go about it . One of the perks of living in the middle of no where is that when it snows and the roads get bad , there is not a whole lot to do . One way my siblings and I entertained ourselves was by going sledding . The area where we live is mostly flat . So we did not have the luxury of a huge hill to sled down . However , in my opinion , we had something even better . We had four wheelers ! One of the best things about four wheelers is that they can make it through almost anything , and our four wheelers were definitely put to the test . We used the four wheelers to provide a variety of different types of sleds . We used circular sleds , two person sleds , and tubes . Most of the time we would hook up two sleds to one four wheeler making things a little more exciting . The fact that you don 't have to walk back up a huge hill after you fall off is also a bonus . It was not until I tried sledding with an old hood from a vehicle that I was able to get the full experience of sledding . This may sound a little odd if you 've never heard of it , but it is actually quite fun . Usually two or three people could fit on it at a time . Another good quality about sledding with a vehicle hood is that it is extremely slick . It makes for some pretty intense sledding . I highly recommend it . The hoods were put to good use in the summer as well . Instead of sledding in the snow we would sled in the mud . Once the straw was out of the field , we would wait for a big rain and then hit the field . One of the downsides is that it hurts quite a bit more when you fall off , but you definitely don 't get cold . Most people end up throwing their clothes away afterwords , but it 's worth it . I 've always loved to go sledding and I probably always will . Something that makes it so much fun is that there isn 't jusPosted by I have recently moved to the city . I grew up on a dairy farm out in the country . I was surrounded by fields trees , and of course cows . As you can imagine , moving to the city was quite a shock . I decided to write about many of my experiences from living in the country because there are a lot of things you just can 't do in the city . |
Last week I retired the work shoes I 've worn since I started working at my current job almost 15 months ago . The black Mary Janes with comfy stretch microfiber tops , removable insoles , and Velcro straps that went with my ' uniform ' white shirt and black pants were starting to hurt my feet . The leather sides didn 't look good even after they 'd been polished , and the heels were pretty run down . I was sad to see them go ; I have trouble finding shoes that fit and these were some of the most comfortable I 've ever worn . I went to several stores looking for something I liked as well but didn 't have any luck . Last Thursday on my way home from work I stopped at the store where I bought the first pair and got another pair just like them . The task took less than five minutes . I didn 't have to wait for assistance , and since I knew what style and size I needed the clerk only had to find one shoe box in the back . I would have been OK just taking them without trying them on , but she insisted , so after I sat down and let her remove my old shoes she slid the new ones on my feet and tightened the straps , then told me to stand up . When I did I was surprised how much support the new pair had . The old ones really had worn out . This pair of shoes was pricy , but I figured comfort is important . Since I wore the original ones so much I decided to figure out what their " cost per wear " was . It was hard to remember my schedule from so long ago , but I believe the first few months I worked three shifts a week . Sometime about the beginning of November 2011 my hours changed and I started working four shifts . Last winter I sometimes swapped out my regular shoes for something that could stand up to sloppy winter weather ( so I took a couple of wearings off ) , but I wore the shoes to a few dressy casual events and took them on vacation ( so I added those wearings back on ) . By my very rough calculations , those shoes had been on my feet 230 times . When I heard it was a masked ball this year , I knew just who to invite as my date , as he 's quite comfortable behind a mask . However , at the last minute he stood me up . . . something about fighting crime . He did promise to swing by if he got done early , though . Without an escort I thought about staying home , but I knew quite a few of my blog friends would be there . Besides , I already had my dress picked out . Don 't you think the dark red jersey of this Donna Karan gown coordinates well with my escort 's mask ? I don 't think a dress like this needs a whole lot of bling . In lieu of jewelry , I 'm showcasing this gold - plated Harlequin mask covered with Swarovski crystals . If you 've never been to the Willow Manor Ball before , why don 't you stop by ? Everyone is invited , and the event lasts for an entire 24 hours . A few of the women 's stores have window displays of glittery festive wear . A children 's store has a prominent arrangement of party dresses right as you walk in . That white - light tree , which turned out to be more like a spray than a tree , and made out of fiber optics . ( Could be holiday , could not . ) I despise the " Christmas Creep " , but I know Mall Management won 't consult with me . I know that when I come into work one day after Halloween they 'll be starting to put up the mall decorations . I guess that WILL be the real sign . . . On the days that I have to be at work at 9 : 30 in the morning I 'm a creature of habit . I leave the house at the same time ( give or take five minutes ) . Unless I hear about a traffic problem on the radio I take the same route , and when I get to the mall I wind my way up to the top of the parking garage and park on the right side in the first empty space . This morning I got there with fifteen minutes to spare . I drove past three other vehicles to get to my space , and noticed there were five cars on the other side of the aisle . All were empty ; in all the months I 've been parking there I 've never seen any other drivers . I could have gone inside and played with my phone , or joined the mall walkers , but the weather was nice and I decided to stay outside , figuring if I walked on the top level of the garage no one would see me . After locking my purse in the car I turned to the left and started walking . I stayed next to the chest - high perimeter walls , where I could look down and see the surrounding area from a new angle . Behind the mall was a row of large trees I 'd never noticed before , and on the concrete underneath the trees a thick carpet of leaves had fallen . As I walked , I found parking alcoves tucked away in the far corners that I didn 't even know were there . A couple of minutes into my walk I was surprised to see a truck driving towards me . I figured no one would notice , but hadn 't counted on Security . The mall has vehicles that slowly cruise the parking areas , looking for things and people that are out of place . Since I 've NEVER seen the vehicle on the top of the garage in the morning . I suspect they 'd detected something on their cameras and were investigating . I wasn 't concerned , because I know all the officers and they know me . When the truck got close enough for me to see who was in there I waved . The officer waved back , and continued on his way . I 'd lost my ambition for walking , though , and decided it was time to go inside . On Tuesday I get off work at five , right in the middle of rush hour . It doesn 't bother me to drive home in the mess , though , because I know Hubby Tony 's gotten home first and put dinner ( usually leftovers or something that just has to be microwaved ) on the table . This week , though , Tony is away on business , so I could do whatever I wanted . After I clocked out from the Customer Service desk I went to Macy 's and did some shopping , then decided to get something to eat . When I left the mall parking lot , traffic on the Interstate was still heavy and I decided that instead of fighting it I 'd stop at a nearby Whole Foods . After checking out the options in the Prepared Foods department and salad bar , I decided to treat myself to pizza . They had a nice selection of regular pies , but in the end I got a miniature pepperoni deep dish one . On my way out of the store I grabbed a couple of free magazines , then sat in my car with windows rolled down and the radio on and ate . The pizza was great . . . good crust , lots of pepperoni , and a nice thick layer of cheese . It was just enough . When I was finished I put the pizza box in a trash bag and set the bag on the floor of the passenger seat . After the pizza was gone I read magazines for a while , then decided it was time to get back on the road . Instead of using the highway ( which would mean turning left out of the parking lot ) I decided to go the other way and take Manchester Road for variety . The traffic was light , but I was driving west and the setting sun was right at eye level ; I started thinking about where I could stop until it went down a little . And , I was still hungry ! When I was deciding what would complement the pizza I 'd had , I recalled a phone call that had come in at work yesterday . The woman was asking about the mall 's restaurants , and asked if we had a Pasta House . ( We don 't ) . I guess that idea had smoldered in my mind since then , because when I drove past a Pasta House my car automatically turned in . The Pasta House Co . is a St . Louis restaurant chain that 's been around since the 1970s . They have a lot of great dishes on the menu , but no trip to Pasta House is complete without a bowl of their Special Salad . If someone tells you they had a " Pasta House " salad you know exactly what they 're talking about . . . its a tasty combination of iceberg and romaine lettuce , red onion , pimientos , artichoke hearts , and Parmesan tossed in a red wine vinaigrette . I walked up to the carryout counter and ordered a small salad to go , then asked the cashier how many people came in and ordered just one thing . She smiled , and said it happened all the time . It took about five minutes for my order to be ready . I carried it out to the car , took the lid off the salad , and dug in . The lettuce was nicely chilled , and there was just enough dressing to coat all the ingredients . It really hit the spot ! There was also a small brown paper bag that held two dinner rolls , which I saved for tomorrow . The carryout container and fork joined the pizza box in the trash bag . By time I polished off the salad it was almost dark . Again I headed west . Since I 'd already had two courses of a meal , I decided I should finish it off with dessert . I drove past big box stores and strip malls , but I couldn 't find anything that sounded good . I was almost all the way home before I saw a FroYo frozen yogurt store . Bingo ! FroYo is a " by the ounce " store . You fill a container , add toppings , then take it up to the counter where they weigh the container and tell you how much you owe . They had a nice selection of flavors , some of which had cute Halloween names , like pomegranate bloodberry sorbert and pumpkin pie potion . I sampled a few flavors , then chose a sorbet and a traditional yogurt . For the third time tonight I carried my food out to the car and ate it there . However , this time it was completely dark . In order to have enough light to eat by I had to move my car from the spot right in front of the store to a spot halfway down the parking lot next to a street light . I parked the car , turned off the motor , and dug into my cold , creamy goodness . Earlier in the month I pulled out my tomato plants and was left with a large quantity of bite - sized green tomatoes . I put them in a bowl on top of the refrigerator , and every couple of days I 've been removing the fruits as they turn red . They make a great addition to my lunch . There was more than five pounds of green fruit , though , so I also investigated options for cooking with them . Fried green tomatoes are always tasty , but I couldn 't figure out a way to do it with my tiny ones . A Google search turned up recipes for various types of salsa , pickles , and relish , as well as sauces , soups , cakes , and pies sweet and savory . One interesting idea was to substitute green tomatoes for tomatillos in a stew dish . The fruits are different species , and have a slightly different texture and taste , but several Websites offered suggestions for minimizing the differences . I decided to give it a try . Son Donald was coming today for a Sunday visit . He usually cooks dinner with Hubby Tony , but this morning I sent him a message letting him know he was teaming up with me today to make Chile Verde . We came up with our own recipe , which incorporated the best parts of four different ones . It started with a Boston Butt roast cut into chunks , browned in olive oil , then simmered for two hours in a sauce containing green tomatoes , onions , two types of hot peppers , lots of garlic , cilantro , oregano , and chicken broth . This dish turned out to be a keeper ! We ate until we were full , and there was plenty for leftovers . As an added bonus , the recipe called for 2 pounds of tomatoes , which turned out to be all the green ones in the bowl ( and a couple that were a quarter of the way to ripe ) . Mission Use Up Green Tomatoes accomplished ! When I did my original " new thing a day " project in 2008 I kept a spreadsheet with the things I 'd done and ideas for others I wanted to do . I completed a good portion of the list before the year was over , but some of the activities had to wait until the time was right . Like today , when Hubby Tony and I navigated our way through a corn maze . A corn maze is just what it sounds like - - a maze cut out of a corn field . Several weeks ago I bought a Groupon for Brookdale Farms that gave us admission to their maze and a couple of launches with a pumpkin slingshot . Our plan was to go today , but when we woke up in the morning it was gloomy and we second guessed our decision . At lunchtime , though , the sun came out and the sky turned blue . A perfect day for an outdoor adventure . The farm was in Eureka , about 25 minutes from the house ; we took a scenic route and enjoyed the stunning fall colors along the winding roads . Even though the parking lot was jammed there was no line at the admission booth . It didn 't take us long to turn the Groupon in for wristbands and tickets for the slingshot . We decided to tackle the maze first . According to their Website , the corn maze is the largest in St . Louis . We walked up to the path that had been cut in the middle of the large expanse of corn plants and started our adventure . It didn 't take me long to feel lost . As we navigated through the maze we turned right every chance we got , but a lot of the turns ended up as dead ends and we had to double back . There were signs tucked in here and there that helped break the monotony of the corn stalks - and let us know we hadn 't walked by that place before . Some of the signs had educational facts about corn and some of them featured " corn - y " jokes . We passed quite a few groups of people ( several of them more than once ) . Everyone looked like they were having a good time . After we finished the maze we took a shuttle bus to the pumpkin slingshot area . We turned our tickets in and picked our ammunition from a large box of softball - sized pumpkins . There were two slingshots , and each had several people waiting in line , but I used my waiting time to figure out the most effective way to send the pumpkin flying . When we got to the front of the line , Tony and I took turns fitting a pumpkin into the pocket , then pulling it back and letting go . It was very satisfying to watch the small pumpkin arc up and away . One of the pumpkins we picked had seen better days , and it was cool to watch it break into pieces as it hit the ground . After we finished shooting our pumpkins we caught the shuttle bus back to the main area . We got in line for a short hayride , but passed on the pony rides and hay jump . On the way back to the car we walked through the small petting zoo where I scratched an inquisitive goat between its horns and crouched down to admire a large rooster . On my day off today I went to pick up the first of the fundraising calendars for a group I belong to . The printer we 're using is just two miles away from to the mall where I work , and it would have been nice to take care of it yesterday after my shift . However , you can 't do it until the printer says they 're ready , so today it was . After taking care of my morning commitments and meeting Hubby Tony for lunch , I got on the Interstate , drove east , and exited at the same place I always do . However , at the bottom of the ramp instead of turning left to go to the mall I turned right . I felt like I was playing hooky - - instead of the business casual clothes I wear to work , I had on jeans , tennis shoes , and no makeup . The skies were predominantly gray , but there were a few patches of sunshine peeking through . Traffic moved smoothly . I made every stop light . There was a series of great songs on the radio , and I sang along as I drove . At the printers I picked up two boxes of calendars ; the group has a meeting tomorrow , and I wanted to have some to distribute . Next , I drove to a nearby grocery store to get some meat from dinner . When I was deciding which pork roast to buy my phone buzzed , indicating I had a text . It was from my boss . Because of a scheduling snafu the person who was supposed to be there at noon hadn 't shown up . Was I available to come in ? I called his phone , got the voice mail , and told him to call me . Ten seconds later the call came in . He repeated his request . I explained I 'd just bought meat that needed to be cooked , so I 'd have to decline . After I hung up , though , I started feeling guilty . Without backup , he 'd be working more than eight hours by himself , with no way to leave the Customer Service desk for lunch or a break . What if the tables were turned , and I was stuck there ? Besides , it never hurts to beef up the good boss karma . As I was mulling my decision over , another text came in , this time sent to the entire staff . Anyone who could get there by 2 : 00 ( effectively working four hours ) would be paid for the entire six hour shift . After a little more thought I decided to save the cooking for the weekend . I sent a text back to the boss and told him I 'd do it . I drove home , quickly changed my clothes and fed the cats , and retraced my route back towards the mall . This time , though , the skies were dreary and a sporadic drizzle fell . I got stuck behind one slow car after another , and there was nothing good on the radio . When I got off the highway , I automatically got in the left turn lane and turned towards the mall . Just like a normal day . Fall weather is always interesting . Two weeks ago we turned on the furnace . Late last week things warmed up and we turned it off , and yesterday it was nice enough to open a few windows . This afternoon we 're supposed to get rain and cooler weather . Before the inclement weather hit , I decided a little outdoor maintenance was in order . The main task was the seasonal cleaning of the gutters . Our neighbors have a locust tree planted outside their front door , and several more surrounding the deck in the back . After many years , they 're now much taller than their two story house . The trees turn a lovely golden yellow at the end of the season , but their compound leaves are a pain to deal with . When they fall off the tree the tiny leaflets come off the stalk and end up everywhere . For the past few weeks we 've been tracking them into the house . They also end up in the gutters , so every spring and fall I give the easy - to - access gutters a good cleaning . Our house is a typical two story , and because of the architecture it 's possible to get to the front gutters by climbing out a front bedroom window and sitting down on the porch roof . The roof has a slight slope , but as long as you pay attention to what you 're doing it 's OK The gutters on the north side can be accessed by climbing out another bedroom window and using the kitchen roof . ( The back of the house has a walkout basement , so the gutters are effectively three stories up . I tend to ignore them . ) After breakfast I gathered my supplies . . . a large plastic kitchen spoon to scoop the leaves into piles and a bucket to hold them . First stop was the front porch . I took out the screen from the window , carefully crawled through , then cautiously shuffled over to the edge and squatted down to survey the downspout area . As I suspected , it was clogged with a large pile of leaflets and a few stalks . Since it hasn 't rained in a while the pile was dry and easy to scoop up . I threw the debris into a bucket . I could see a fine layer of leaves scattered along the length of the gutter , so I stood up and shuffled over to the far end where I carefully used the spoon to gather the leaves into piles for easier removal . The shingles that overhang the gutters have rough edges and are hard on your hands , but I always forget to bring gloves until I 'm up on the roof and it 's too late . I was able to clean about two feet of gutter at a time , then had to scoot over to a new section . The project took about fifteen minutes , and when I was done the bucket was half full of debris . I climbed back through the window , closed everything up , and moved to the next area . The section section of roof isn 't as steep , but it 's harder to climb out the window . This bedroom has a casement window with a crank - out sash that 's higher and smaller then the other rooms . I 've done it many times before , though , so it only took a couple of minutes before I was outside . I repeated the cleaning process from one end of the roof to the other , then went inside . My bucket was now three quarters of the way full . Even if I wanted to clean the last set of gutters we don 't have a ladder tall enough , so all I could do is hope they weren 't too dirty . When I started my job the sun was in and out of the clouds , but by time I finished the wind was picking up and sky was looking pretty grey . I 'm glad I remembered to do this project now , and not after it gets cold . Several months ago I made a new duvet cover for the master bedroom by reducing a King sized one down to to fit my Full bed . I like the way it turned out , but the light , airy pattern and clear colors didn 't look right as the days got shorter and the temperature started dropping . It was time to find another cover for the bed . The pillow covers became the foundation for a color scheme for the new bedding , which complicated the search . It was hard enough finding something I liked the first time , but that time my options were wide open . This second time was really a challenge . However I enjoy a good hunt so I was up to it . I didn 't know if Hubby Tony would think the pattern was too feminine . It had a rosy taupe background with accents of green , dark pink , and brown , and a pattern of pen and ink palm trees , flower bushes , and images of Old Hollywood along with the names of cities in the area . However , since the green matched the color of the pillow and he 'd actually been to many of the cities , he pronounced it acceptable . According to the label on the bag , the duvet cover was king - sized , so I expected another sewing project . However , I was pleasantly surprised to find out they 'd mislabeled things , and the cover was the perfect size . The finished product ( along with cat accessory ) : When I discovered the problem I sent an panicky email to Bill , a friend / computer guru who built the computer for us several years ago . Hubby Tony was nice enough to take the computer tower to Bill 's during lunch , and Tuesday night when I was out running errands I got a call from Bill . He told me he 'd started working on the computer , asked which files I needed to complete my project , then emailed them to me ; they were waiting in my Inbox when I got home . As I suspected , once I had the files the changes to the document the printer had asked for didn 't take long to complete . I sent the revised files to the committee one last time , then ( with fingers crossed ) submitted them to the printer first thing on Wednesday . I talked to him later in the morning , and he said everything looked good and he should be able to have the project done by the target date of next weekend . There are no coincidences in life . Tuesday morning , when I didn 't know how things would all work out , I read the day 's page from this year 's calendar . It said : When I open the mall Customer Service desk my shift starts at 9 : 30 , but since I have to leave home at the tail end of rush hour I build a cushion into my commute time and usually get there about 15 minutes early . I fill up the extra time by using the wifi hotspot in the center of the mall to check my email , Facebook , and all things Internet . Today at 9 : 15 I was logging in when two teenage girls ( who looked like they might be 15 or 16 ) came up to me . The conversation went like this : ME : " What are you shopping for at the mall today ? " TG : " Homecoming dresses . " ME : " Cool ! Where do you go to school ? " They seemed not to want to give me an answer , and it occurred to me that today WAS a school day . I thought about it , realized there was an off - site store nearby that might have what they were looking for , and offered to look up that store 's hours . While I was searching on my phone , one of the girls spoke up … TG : " Yes " . Sadly , the off - site store also opened at 10 : 00 . I remember from my high school days how long it took to find just the right dress ; I wonder if those girls WILL make it to any of their classes today . Posted by A group I belong to puts together a thought - of - the - day calendar as a fundraiser , and this year I 'm heading up the calendar committee . For the past four weeks we 've been exchanging emails . Last week I designed the final document and sent it to the printer . I got a message from him today that I needed to make a few changes before he could do the job . The changes sounded easy , and I figured I could take care of it in 30 minutes . I sent an SOS email to my computer guy , and another to the calendar committee asking if anyone had the last version of the document I sent . Hopefully one of those will pan out . Either way , it 's going to take me longer than 30 minutes to finish this project . A middle - aged man came up to the Customer Service desk and asked me if we had a Victoria 's Secret store . ( We do . Doesn 't every mall ? ) I pointed him in the right direction , and then , looking uncomfortable , he asked if we had any other lingerie shops . ( We don 't , but the anchor stores all have departments . I showed him where each was on a mall map . ) As he got ready to walk away , he told me he was looking for an item for his daughter . I said he was a VERY GOOD father to do that . He replied he had no choice ; he was a single parent ! Back in the spring I planted a couple of pepper plants and a variety of tomatoes . As they started growing I placed a stake next to each , and trained the plants onto the supports . However , when the summer heat wave hit I wasn 't as diligent . Now the plants were sprawled all over each other , and it was hard to tell where one stopped and another one started . I was confident there weren 't going to be any more vine - ripened fruits this year . Nothing beats a ripe red tomato from the garden , but I always manage to find a use for the end - of - the - season green ones , too . They go into a large bowl on top of the refrigerator , where some of them will turn red . The ones that don 't eventually go into the bag in the freezer for making stock . I began my cleanup job on the far right side of the bed . The first plant held a few large green fruits . I took them off , tossed them in a bucket , then pulled up the plant . Took less than five minutes . The next two plants , however , had dozens of small grape fruits . I began removing them one at a time , decided that would take forever , and pulled the bunches off in clumps . They , too , went in the bucket , as did the rest of the tomatoes I came across and a couple of green peppers . I kept going until our " green " recycling can was completely full . The majority of the job was done , and the rest will wait until next week , when the trash has been picked up and the can emptied . When I was finished the three - gallon bucket was half filled with unripe tomatoes . I brought the bucket into the kitchen and removed innumerable green star - shaped sepals , then ran water into the bucket to clean the fruits . After the bucket was full , I noticed that some of the tomatoes were floating , and others were at the bottom . Surely that had to mean something . A quick Google search gave me the answer . . . Green tomatoes sink . Ripe ( or I guess in my case , partially ripe ) tomatoes float . Another Monday , another day at the mall Customer Service desk . My shift starts at 9 : 30 ; I left the house at 8 : 50 , and arrived at the mall parking garage 25 minutes later . I wound my way up to the top level , and parked by the door that 's closest to the desk . The large , four - level garage has several access points into the mall . Every access has stairways and elevators that run from the street up to the fourth floor . The top of the stairwells have glass windows all around and a glass door . It 's hard to see inside when you 're walking up to the door , but that 's usually not a problem . Today , however , I opened the door and came eye - to - eye with a bird . I think it was a sparrow , but it was moving too fast to be sure . I 'm guessing it came in on one of the lower levels , got confused , and flew up . It must have been sitting on the trash can next to the elevator , but when I opened the door it flew right at me . I don 't know who was more surprised ! I jumped and gave a little shriek ( which must have looked hilarious on the security cameras ) . The bird quickly changed course and flew up to the very top of the stairwell , where it perched on a tiny ledge and stared at me . As I walked farther in , it took flight again and disappeared down the stairwell on the other side of the elevator . Logically I knew the bird couldn 't do anything to me , but my adrenaline was working better than my logic was . I was afraid to walk down the stairs in case I ran into the bird again . In the fourteen months I 've worked at the mall I 've never used the elevator , which is very slow , but today I decided it was worth the wait . . . Welcome ! Thanks for visiting my blog . I live in Manchester , Missouri ( a suburb of St . Louis ) with my husband . Our three boys are all grown and out of the house . We also have two cats who keep us amused with their antics . |
I never expected to build a cabin . I really thought I was going to be a Rancher 's Wife and not even one of the ones that helps out , outdoors , either . I was going to be perfect Susie Homemaker , keeping the house spotless , the meals on time and maybe do the gardening . Of course children would be the perfect ' seen but not heard ' kind , coming along 2 or more years apart at least 4 years after I got married . As babies , they would sleep a lot . Ha . God is really laughing about all that . As I thread my way through the clutter in my home , I think of how clueless I was . It is probably a very good thing I could not foresee the future . I did get to do a lot of gardening , so there is that . Besides , perfect children would have been so boring . I got interesting children instead . Children that thrived on 2 hours of sleep a night . My second experience in building was a semi - underground log cabin . ( See picture above ) I was still extremely afraid of ladders , so built , placed vapor barrier , insulation , dirt and built on some more until I could step off the bank onto the roof . Yay , no ladder needed on the entire project . It was a case of build or lose the property as it was a Homesite . My third experience in building was a frame cabin . 16 ' x 20 ' with a partial loft . It was supposed to be the first of many small rental cabins with the rent paying for construction of the next cabin and so on . I started that project in January 2001 , after a warm spell about 45 degrees F . made it possible to start my old Dozer . I cleared the snow and brush away from an area not in the way of anything else planned . A Pulaski and muscle made semi - level pads to place pier blocks on as a foundation . A small sawmill in Fairbanks provided rough cut lumber at a reasonable price so I made the floor deck of 2 × 6 's , then insulated between the joists and added a plywood deck . I kept on going . Using rough cut 2 × 4 's , I built the wall frames . A friend helped me raise the beam across the top of the walls to support the loft floor . I used 2 × 4 's 12 inches apart for the floor upstairs as I didn 't have the money to buy any more 2 × 6 's . Then it got scary . I needed to use a ladder to work on the upstairs . I was really running out of supplies by this time , so only built one side wall , 4 feet high , then the end gables , using a ridgepole for rafter support . I was able to get rafters and the same friend did help out by putting the rafters and metal roofing on . I house wrapped and insulated it without any siding on the outside . The small sawmill had rough cut slab boards that I bought to use as siding on the outside walls and it sturdied up the building a lot to have some nailed up all around the outside . I couldn 't reach very high , while holding each board , so would place a nail in just enough to hold one end of the board while I nailed the other end in place , nailed that one and pulled the nail to use for the next board . Once I got to the highest I could reach , that was it . No more siding , just house wrap above that . The windows were easy to place . I had some on hand and used their measurements while building the walls , then just slid them into place . I bought 6 of them and one was given to me . I started sheetrocking the downstairs , even though I dislike sheetrock . It was very cheap , less than $ 4 a sheet . I made a spiral staircase for the small loft . It was a royal pain as I hadn 't a clue what I was doing but it is still working , 14 years later . I put part of it up , The Grouch and his son did put the rest of it up . I nailed plywood up for the ceiling . That was fun . I played tour Guide for a nice man visiting from Utah with his son , taking them to Valdez fishing . When we returned , they build a small bathroom downstairs and sheetrocked it , too . The cabin wasn 't even finished when The Grouch moved in and has been in residence ever since with a brief bout of moving back to Pennsylvania , never to return , although he was back here quite soon . The first 3 1 / 2 years he was on payroll so the cabin was part of his pay . When he started getting a monthly check , he paid rent a few months . Since that third cabin , I seem to always have some sort of building in progress . Mom sold her house , sent the money up and we built her a home . Then I built a shop , then we built my Daughter a house . We are still working on my Grandson 's house . We are also still working on a small gift shop , a very small rental cabin , both using mainly salvaged materials . I kind of like building . I still don 't like ladders but I use them anyway . " I am Fine , I am Okay " August 24 , 2015 ~ R . E . Stowell . writer The Guide I worked for took 3 of our clients out on horseback while I took one of the clients that was as fond of riding a horse as I am , out to glass another valley on foot . We spent a pleasant day and had camp to ourselves all evening as the others were doing a spike camp and would be back tomorrow evening . I listened to his hunting stories a while , then we turned in for the night . We were up early and returned to the hillside we were using as a base to glass the lovely valley below . By late afternoon , we spotted a very nice bull with a couple of cows moving into the valley to feed . It was getting late and too far to stalk before full darkness so we headed back to camp , determined to be waiting for them in the morning at first light . No one was in camp yet , when we arrived but we prepared a nice evening meal so it would be ready when they arrived . We were almost finished preparing the meal when we heard the horses coming in . The client went over to see if he could help them and see if they had any luck . He soon returned , helping one of the riders to a seat beside the fire . The man was obviously injured , but trying very hard not to let on that he even felt any pain . When I looked at him , he said , " I am fine . Really . I am okay . " The Guide was done eating first and started the story of their excursion . They had covered a lot of ground and saw some nice bulls but nothing that excited them . It was still early in the hunt and they wanted to see if they could find something larger . The injured man was only along for the ride as he was a non - resident alien and it would have been very expensive for him to get a license and tags . Everyone was stunned by the suddenness of the event and the poor horse was thrashing and screaming in pain . The Guide threw his reins to one of the other clients and was over , pulling the man out from under the thrashing horse and trying to calm the horse when he saw that the horse had a badly broken leg . He pulled his handgun and shot the horse . As we sat around the fire , whenever anyone would look over at the man , he would still hold up one hand and say , " I am fine . Really . I am okay . " A One Eared Elephant June 1 , 2015 ~ R . E . Stowell . writer I was on the phone to Charlie who was working up north at the time when a friend stopped by the house . He was in a very good mood and wanted to go celebrate the very first contract of his new construction company . He had invited everyone he knew that had encouraged him and helped make it happen and needed a designated driver , too . That would be me . Charlie and I had helped out as much as we could and we were both happy for our friend . Charlie told me to go ahead and go , enjoy myself and tell him all about it later . I made sure we had enough warm clothing just in case of any problems with the vehicle and we headed over to the Pump House on Chena Pump Road . This is a nice restaurant ( President Reagan ate there ) and most of the people invited were already waiting for us to show up . We were seated in the middle of the main dining room and the place was crowded . Just because it was a very cold night didn 't mean people didn 't go out on a Saturday night . The food was great , drinks flowed freely and everyone was having an entertaining evening but the instigator of our group decided it was too dull . He wanted some dancing and music . The more he thought about it , the more he wanted to extend the evening and enjoy being entertained . Finally he jumped up on the table and started telling jokes . Several people at other tables started clapping and hooting , encouraging him to greater lengths . He did a few dance steps but no one would get up on the table with him to dance . He finally couldn 't think of any more stories or jokes to tell and decided to ask the growing audience if anyone there had ever seen a one eared elephant . No one had . He pulled one front pocket of his jeans out and fanned the material out nicely , then started to unbutton his pants . Several of us managed to get him down off the table and hustled out the door as management was on the phone even as we bundled him out the door . The slap of the freezing night air hit him like an actual slap to the face as we stuffed him into his winter coat and then into the pickup . He tried to convince us he could drive but we overruled that immediately and he gave in . The backseat was full of tools and winter gear , so all three of us had to squish together in the front seat . I only had to pull over once for him to hurl and we were almost to my house , when the flashing red lights appeared behind us . I pulled over immediately . The Officer was very nice , but there was a tail light out on the pickup . He got a recap of the entire evening from my passengers , he asked if he should follow us home and assist us into the house . I told him I thought we could get in the house okay , but I would appreciate him following us in the heavy ice fog with the back light out . We made it home okay and the officer was kind enough to wait until we were in the house before he pulled away . I was building a road to the Homesite Charlie had won in a drawing while he worked up north . A friend was having some difficulties and no longer in the construction business so told me I could use the old Road grader he owned . The stipulation was , I had to start it and drive it away . No one offered assistance and I found there were 3 shutoff switches between the batteries and the starter . That part alone took me almost all day . I did get it started and luckily for me , the blade was raised already so I didn 't have to try figuring that part out , just yet . I found a gear that it would move in without killing the engine and headed out toward the Homesite location up the Elliott . I took the back roads as I didn 't know what the regulations were for someone driving something like that on public roads without a clue on how to operate it . That weekend , Charlie was home from working up north and we went out to do some work on the Homesite . He admired the old Road grader , started it up and had me get up in it with him to ride along , I thought . He drove it about 100 feet , raising and lowering the blade , tilting the whole deck and using all the array of gears and levers like a maestro . Then he stopped the Road grader , jumped down , told me to have fun and left . Sheesh , if I had known I was supposed to be the operator , I would have been paying attention . Road graders are a lot of fun , but the newer ones are not be as rough on the Operator . The one I ran was gear driven , an OLD Wabco 440 . No hydraulics but many levers and pedals . There were levers on the dash and ones up through the floor that you used your knees or thighs to press side to side while working the dash levers with your hands and the foot pedals with your feet , of course . If you didn 't release the knee levers quick enough the lever beat the insides of your legs black and blue . Gear driven is immediate pain for neglecting to pay attention . Charlie tried to convince me to try operating a dragline , but after watching them on the river bank tipping up when the bucket snagged something heavy on the river bottom , I said " no thanks . " Share this : TwitterEmailLinkedInFacebookGoogleTumblrPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . Alaska Building Musings Operating Equipment reminiscing Uncategorized 1 I never planned on living alone . I was never a very social person , but I also never planned on having a life alone . Well , I also never really had a plan . If ever a life has been lived in the moment , mine is it . I didn 't plan on being a cowboy as a teenager in Oregon . That just happened . I did learn a lot , but it was not on my list of things I wanted to do . For a very brief period of time , I considered going to college and becoming a teacher . Then all the Laws started changing to the point that a teacher could not spank or do much to correct one of the little monsters , so I figured why should I spend 4 more years going to school which I always hated , anyway ? By that time I had my choice of scholarships and refused them all . I was done with school . Don 't get me wrong , I think school is important and I would hate to go to a doctor that had not bothered to attend one . Then by some bit of insanity I found myself married and not to a rancher . I had some passing thoughts about marrying a rancher and eventually maybe having some children , but it wasn 't a firm decision . Yet here I was , married to the least likely to ever be a rancher or even steadily employed . Talk about someone that had no idea what to look for in a husband , that would be me . Given enough time , we finally divorced and I would have been alone , except I needed to babysit to pay my rent and work to pay for the divorce . Once that was all taken care of , I was invited to mine for a summer and by the next year , I was married yet again . For once , I got it right . I loved being married to Charlie and we enjoyed our life together . Then he died and I was back to being alone . This alone was painful and debilitating . I didn 't function well and was not in a good frame of mind , at all . I had read the Bible as a child , in school as there was one in the library and every year I read all the books . It took me ages to get through all the begats . There were a few stories , fictionalizing some Bible stories and I enjoyed them very much . We did not have any religious instruction at home and had never been near a church . I met someone and thought it was going to be good times again , but I was not thinking correctly on that one , at all . It dragged on too long , but I have always been stubborn and hate to admit when I make mistakes . This one was another doozy . I bought some property , my Mom sold her house and sent up the money , so I , with some help , built her a house . She couldn 't be alone and I didn 't want to continue the failed relationship , so we moved into her new house . My daughter 's house sold and she also came out and we built her a nice house also . It has been a learning experience all the way around and I guess most of life really is . Mom and I were both baptized the same day by my sister 's husband , in our Church . It was great . Then we went up to Chena Hot Springs and had a lovely swim . What a wonderful day . Things were going well , Mom was feeling better than she had in a long time , when suddenly she became ill and we rushed her to the hospital . She died after a 5 day stay and I came home to an empty house . Yes , these last few years since Mom died have been by myself but I am alone , not lonely . There is a major difference . Share this : TwitterEmailLinkedInFacebookGoogleTumblrPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . Alaska Family Long time ago love Musings Oregon 4 I took the casters off the old cart to reuse on the new one as they were sturdy and still in good condition . I cut a heavy duty piece of ¾ inch plywood to use as a base . Not thinking ahead to what I intended , I cut the whole piece off at once instead of cutting the thin strips I wanted along the sides to keep the generator from sliding off the base if I pulled too firmly on it . My hand closed into a fist immediately to shield my eyes from what I knew would not be a pretty sight . The fact that no blood sprayed out and the entire finger was still on each space it was supposed to occupy did help a bit . No nausea indicated I had not hit bone . She found the band aids in the knife drawer ( handy , that ) while Paul got the peroxide . I opened my hand up and it looked nasty . I wiped it fairly clean around the affected areas and sprayed it down with peroxide . No pain from that , so it probably isn 't all that deep . I wiped up the mess and it was welling more blood out , but one good thing about minus 2 degree weather , it slows bleeding quite well . Weathertight , at last ! ! October 17 , 2014 ~ R . E . Stowell . writer YAY ! ! ! ! No more worries about working on a ladder on the metal roof . Today we finished with that part of the cabin project . Metal roof is on , all the screws in , the chimney is now installed after I cut out a hole in the floor and built a support for it . As we started insulating the ceiling , it began snowing . What timing . We finished insulating the ceiling and put up the foil faced foam board over the insulation over the stairwell . Good . We only had enough foamboard for that but at least I won 't have to worry that John , the friend that came out to help on the roofing , will be gone before we get more board . Since that was all going so well , the boys brought out the door my daughter had painted in her livingroom so it would dry , not just freeze . So , the roof is on and insulated , the door is installed and the building holds heat as we did start up a propane heater downstairs to dry the downstairs out from the rain and then the snow we had while building the 2nd floor . Driving down to my house , I stopped and cut a load of wood from the logs I had dragged up a couple of months ago during a rare sunny day . I need to get on that so they are all gone before I have to plow . What a day . I was born 9 months , 2 weeks after Pearl Harbor , so it doesn 't take much imagination to figure out what brought me about . My father wanted to leave behind a male heir when he went off to fight . I didn 't turn out to be male and he didn 't get to go fight . He never quite forgave Uncle Sam or me . " Where did you get those bears ? " July 29 , 2014 ~ R . E . Stowell . writer A couple of years earlier , one neighbor had been shooting bears all summer and I asked him if he would let us have one for sausage . He said he would . One morning , he woke us up , he had a dead bear in the back of his pickup , and did we still want one ? We said " Sure " and he dumped it by the cabin . My daughter and I dressed and were just started skinning when the neighbor was back . Do you want another bear ? We said " Why not ? " When he was walking back down to his cabin , another bear ran around the corner and almost ran into him . He shot it . Charlie was working at Pump Station 7 at that time , setting up the power house . In camp , the men had a habit of starting rumors in the morning and see if they could recognize their own rumors that evening . That very morning , Charlie told the group at his table that I had woke up in the night to see a bear in the cabin by the stove and shot it from bed , then as I started to get up another one came through the back door and I jumped up on the bed and shot it as it ran by . No one questioned how he knew all of this , as there were no phones or radio between our areas . They just laughed and said " Sure , Charlie " , as they knew I did mine on out the road another 80 or so miles . Before noon , I pulled up at the gate where the security guard was stationed to have him let Charlie know I would be at home that night . He looked down into my pickup from his perch and spotted the hides in back and the fresh meat in the backseat . His eyes got a little bugged out and he asked what I had . I told him , " A couple of bears " . By the time Charlie came home that evening , I had all the meat ground up and in three piles on the counter and was working different spices into each pile . I made summer sausage , pepperoni and salami . Charlie eyed the meat but didn 't say anything . After the man left , Charlie looked at me and said he probably should explain what the man meant ? Then he told me what he had done . We laughed a little and I started getting dinner . He looked at me a minute or two , then , " Just where did you get those bears ? " Sew Long July 18 , 2014 ~ R . E . Stowell . writer A couple of years after I started spending summers at the mine , a fellow started a kennel for racing about a quarter mile down the hill from the cabin . By road , it was about a half mile . He kept pretty much to himself and worked very hard to establish his kennel and support his dogs . More dog mushers moved into the area and for the most part , were fairly compatible with gold mining . We used our roads and trails in the summer and they used them in the winter . They got a little testy when we moved one of our roads and started mining the area and what had been a trail became part of our dam . We managed to keep things on an even keel and when the fellow below us married and started a family , his wife started doing a community pot luck once a month . It was very nice and we enjoyed it . She was an excellent cook and it was nice for both groups to get together socially . Most drank a bit and some smoked now and then . Since I did neither , I usually went home fairly early in the evening . One night , everyone imbibed a bit freely and when one of the old time Miners and a lady musher fell asleep on the huge couch , the rest decided to pull a small prank on them . They moved both people until they were side by side , then using a large needle and heavy thread , they sewed their clothes together . From neck along the shoulder and down the arms , then on down the sides up the inseams and so on , both sets of clothing were firmly sewn in place . Everyone sat around waiting , but the two victims slept on . Finally everyone wandered off , either to their own homes or to bed and asleep . Later , the lady woke up and attempted to brush her long hair away from her face , only to find her arm was very heavy and another hand smacked herself as she tried to rub . She got her eye open and found as she moved her arm , another arm moved with her . She got both eyes open and discovered a sleeping face inches from her own . She tried picking threads loose , finally giving up and wriggling out of her clothes and then picking threads loose , glad that the elderly Miner was a sound sleeper . She redressed and went home . A couple of years later , she was trying to attract sponsors and the old Miner happened to be at her place when the representative arrived . She was nervous and the old Miner jumped in to ease the tension by telling the guy about their getting sewn together as by that time he had heard the story many times . She wanted to punch him . She was trying to impress the man as being a good family oriented icon to represent their products . They did go ahead and sponsor her , in spite of the story . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Hey , Y ' all , Well , here it is a beautiful sunny Saturday , and I am up early just puttering around , and seeing what the weekend will bring . Gramps and I went into Knoxville yesterday to spend some time with Imazo , Mae , and David ( Imazo 's son from Arizona ) . We went to do one of our favorite family things , which is to eat . ha . We decided to go to Louis ' Restaurant and put on the " feed - bag " . They absolutely serve the best spaghetti and meat sauce you would ever want to wrap your tongue around . YUM ! I can never eat the whole serving , and usually bring half of it home . Yesterday was no exception to that rule . David is returning home today , and I know that Imazo is going to miss him terribly . He and Jeff ( her younger son ) have been helping her to go through bills and other paper work that she needs to get straight , since Hugh was the one who took care of all the business matters . After we got back from the restaurant , we sat around talking and just enjoying visiting with one another . Gramps and I stopped at the Food City Grocery on the way home and I purchased a few items that we needed . This morning , I began clearing off my computer desk of items that need to be filed in my filing cabinet , and right now they are lying in the floor ready to be filed away . Just as I was beginning today 's blog posting , my daughter , Teresa , sent me an IM and we have been chatting away for the past hour and a half . What fun ! I so enjoy the time I can spend with her . We never run out of anything to say ( mostly just inconsequential stuff , but still fun ) . I hear Gramps playing the tv in our bedroom . ( a Few hours later ) Mark called and asked me to follow him to the auto mechanic 's home to take his truck over for a small repair . He came over in a short time and I followed him and then brought him back to his house . We sat and chatted for awhile , then I came back home . I found Gramps sitting in the living room , dressed and waiting for me to make his morning coffee , which I did , then made myself a sandwich for lunch . Not much else doing today , except to fiPosted by Hey , Y ' all , Over the past couple of days , I just stayed in my gown and housecoat , and didn 't bother with dressing . I was in my blue funk mood , and was not considering doing anything except maybe a little housework , and sewing . That is exactly what I did . This morning , I woke up ready to shower and get dressed . After taking stock of the contents of the pantry and refrigerator , I knew it was time to do a lot of things this day . No milk for breakfast , no bread for sandwiches , and there was trash to be bagged up and carried to the local dumpster . There happened to be just enough milk for Gramps ' breakfast this morning , but not mine . I had collected the trash , took my Nexium for reflux , taken my shower , and gotten dressed by 9 a . m . I was going to go ahead and do the chores I needed to do , but had not had any breakfast . I scrounged up an egg , a slice of cheese , a couple of slices of raisin bread , made some hot tea , and fixed my breakfast . Scrambled the egg , added the cheese , toasted the bread , and sat down to eat . Then I really felt up to running out to do the errands needed to be done . I left Gramps putting some shoe laces into a pair of shoes he wanted to wear , carried the trash out to the car , grabbed my purse , put on my coat and purple cap , and headed out to New Market . I stopped to visit with Judy at the church , went on to deposit the trash at the dump , stopped to pay our electric bill at the co - op , went on to the drug store to download some pictures into their machine , then went on to the Wal - mart for needed things , and groceries , then back to the drug store to pic up the pics . After I picked them up , I went on to the Library to get some books to read , and headed home . All that took me about two and a half hours , and I was truly worn out when I got home . While at Wal - mart , I ran into a lady who had graduated from high school when I did . It was really great seeing her again , and we exchanged phone numbers . We stood there for awhile talking about people we both knew . I will definitely be calling her soon so we can getPosted by Hey , Y ' all , Last night , I downloaded a new game ( I belong to Real Arcade Games ) and get a new game every month for $ 9 . 95 . Last night 's game is a solitaire card game , and is a lot of fun to play and waste time playing . I was up until 1 a . m . playing , and then dragged to bed . I slept until 5 a . m . and then was up for a few minutes to get a drink of water and make a pit stop . Back to bed and then up at a little after 7 this morning . I will probably be ready to take a nap about the time that Gramps decides to get up . I had my breakfast and cleaned the kitchen , dried a load of laundry that I had washed last night . Yesterday , I did about three loads of laundry , and folded what had already been washed and dried . Gramps and I watched some television together last night , until he changed the channel and started watching CNN . That is where I drew the line and moved into my work / craft room . I fired up my PC and started surfing and reading . After breakfast this morning , I came in here and turned on my PC , my television , and checked my e - mail , did a crossword puzzle on the computer at the News - Sentinel webpage , checked the obituaries and didn 't find my name or the name of anyone else that I might know . I have the television on watching ( or listening to ) the favorite show of senior citizens - " The Price is Right " . Gramps and I have always enjoyed seeing people win prizes . I love to watch how they are so enthused when they are on and win . Imazo said this morning that Jeff and David are helping her to sort out business matters that must be paid and taken care of . Hugh did all the management of business for the two of them , except when she ordered something , and then she took care of paying that bill . Teresa called me yesterday afternoon to see how we were doing , and while we were talking on my home phone , Carol called me on my cell phone . I had an idea , and thought maybe they could talk to each other , so I tried something . I turned the cell phone upside down and held it to the home phone , and they were able to talk to each other , and Posted by Hey , Y ' all , Yeah , I know it is a different size type today , but I thought I would try a different font , and different size to see how it transposes into the post . Yesterday , our family gathered to say a final goodbye to Hugh , until that time when we see him again . A few of us gathered at Hugh 's and Imazo 's home , and then proceeded to the cemetery and lined the cars in a procession to the graveside . We alighted from the cars and edged our way up to the chairs that had been placed beside the grave . The grandsons and nephews of Hugh then carried his bier up to the grave and placed it on the stand above the empty grave . The wind blew in small gusts , making us feel the chill of the day . It was nothing compared to the chill we felt in our hearts for the temporary loss of Hugh in our lives . The pastors who had conducted the services for Hugh the night before were there to say a few more words in our behalf . Then the flag that had draped Hugh 's casket was handed to Imazo , hands were shaken by the pastors , and we were left to proceed to our cars after some of us stood around to talk . I took Dub and Carol and myself on down to the car , because I didn 't want to stand around in the cold , when I knew we would be gathering at their church in a short time . We headed on out of the cemetery and toward the church . We arrived at the church to find the food ready to serve . They have a fine man who takes care of seeing that food is prepared and served for such occasions as this one . It was not long before we had taken off our coats and picked up a plate to serve ourselves at the bounteous table . After we had filled our plates , we seated ourselves at one of several tables that had been set up for us , and spent a time eating and sharing stories , and enjoying time together . After we had finished chowing down , I got out my camera and handed it over to Carol , and she proceeded to taking group pictures so we would have a pictorial record of those who were there . We all had a lovely time and I know Hugh would have thoroughly enjoyed the facGrammy Hey , Y ' all , Today is the birthday of our great grandson , Austin . He is six years old today . What a wonderful age to be ! An age of exploring the world around us . An age of wonderment . An age of realization that there is so much one can learn to do and be . Austin is the oldest son of our grandson , Daniel and wife , Whitney . We don 't get to see them more than once a year , but we so much appreciate them all . To learn more about Austin and his family , go to : http : / / waiting4number4 . blogspot . comIt is a joy to read about them and what they are all about . Austin , Happy Birthday ! We love you . Have a great day ! Grammy and Gramps . Hey , Y ' all , No pictures this morning , except for those I can make with words . We had a wonderful coming together of friends and families last evening , in memory of Hugh . Carol , our oldest daughter , was able to come in and be with us after all . She had thought that she wouldn 't , but we were pleasantly surprised to get a call from her that she could come after all . Everyone was grateful for her presence and her physical support . I know that our daughter , Teresa , and her husband Tom were supporting us with prayers , and we were so grateful for them . Yesterday morning , Gramps and I got ready and went to Knoxville around ten o ' clock and joined with the other family members that were at Hugh 's and Imazo 's . When we arrived we found that Imazo 's sisters , Barbara and Dorothy , from Monroe County were already there with some of their kin . Hugh 's son , David , had arrived from Arizona with his wife , Andrea , and son , Steven very late the evening before . Jeff and his wife , Peggy , were there also . Jeff and Peggy live in Knoxville . We sat around talking , reliving memories of the past , as one does when a loved one passes on . Then around 12 : 30 , I left to go to the airport to pick up Carol , and soon after we got back , several of Imazo 's nieces from Ohio came in . It was wonderful to see so many people there coming together in support of Imazo , Jeff , and David and their family . The cousins always enjoy getting together and talking to one another . I really enjoy seeing them all together . We left for the funeral home about 3 : 30 , and soon we were seeing a lot of people , some of whom I knew and mostly didn 't . Since Hugh was eighty when he died , there were a lot of senior citizens who came to remember and honor his memory . There were also a lot of children who came . A set of triplets who are about five years old came to the funeral . Imazo teaches a Sunday school class of preschoolers . It was so sweet to see her bending over and hugging all three of them at the same time , and them hugging her in return . You know how it is when you stand for twoGrammy Hey , Y ' all , I had to wait until I had somewhat decided what I wanted to write before I sat down to do so . There is so very much to say , and my heart is so full of Thanksgiving for what wonderful families we have . We have so many kinds of families , don 't we ? First , we have the family that we were born into . Mother , father , brothers , sisters , are all in that family . Then as we become adults , there are the family units that we compose for ourselves . Husband , or wife , children , grandchildren are in this unit . Then there is the larger family that contains aunts , uncles , cousins , nieces , nephews and in - laws . There is beyond that the friends that we make during life , that contains best friends that we may keep until one of us passes on . Then there is the church family that may contain some or all of the ones mentioned already . We meet people during our lives that come to mean so very much to us . They will sometimes be in various family groups that I mentioned . As I described each of these family groups , I envisioned people that I love that fit into each group . During the past thirteen months , three of the people that I love dearly have gone on to be with the Lord . As each have passed on , I imagined them being greeted by family that had gone on before them . I figure that right now , Margaret , John , Hugh , Bill , Ralph , Thelma ( Ralph 's wife ) , and our Mom and our Dad are all having a wonderful get together , and saying " Wow ! Isn 't it wonderful to all be together ? Wonder when the others are going to be here ? " I know they must be singing praises to our Heavenly Father . I am here to celebrate the life of my brother , Hugh David , and to say how very much he meant to so many people . Hugh was a very kind individual , and to him , family was primary in his life . He loved his family , and he loved his Lord . Hugh knew people and was always seeing someone that he knew , wherever he went . We would be out somewhere , eating supper , and he would spot someone that he knew . He would nod to them as they passed our table and say something like " How aPosted by This is Carol , blogging for Mom . Mom 's brother , Hugh , has gone home to the Lord tonight . He was already in hospice care at home , and suffered a heart attack . Her heart is heavy tonight , and she 's headed into Knoxville to be with Imazo and any of the other relatives who will be there , holding Imazo with both their arms and their hearts . Hugh was the last of the " Campbell Boys " of his generation . In World War II , if my memory is right on this story , men who knew one of them would see one of the others , and say , " Hey , you 're a Campbell , aren 't you ? " Campbell men were known for their strong resemblance , and their integrity and love for their families , and their unhurried nature . My Uncle Hugh was always good to us girls . If he wanted to impart some wisdom to us , he 'd hug us , and say , " Now , Honey . . . . " Hugh and Imazo were always inseparable . They were of single heart and mind , and loved one another deeply . Mom 's family has always been close . No matter what happened in our lives , there was always family . I 'd say that 's a heritage that would have pleased Grandma and Grandpa , to know they raised their children to cherish one another , to cherish family . And above all , to love the Lord their God . My Uncle Hugh is in heaven now , with his Lord . Our sorrow is his joy . Please be in prayer for Mom and Dub and Imazo and Mae ( another sister in law ) and Darlene ( yet another sister in law ) , and for Jeff and Peggy and David and Andrea , as well as all the grandkids . Hugh was a good Dad and Granddad . Thanks for the way you all love my Mom . She 's a fine lady , and is always loving others , and giving to them . Love you , Mom . Thanks for letting me do this blog . ~ Carol Hey , Y ' all , It seems like a kind of long day today , but I wanted to let you know that Hugh is home and ensconced in the living room in a hospital bed . He is oh , so happy to be home . His bed is in front of the window , so he can look out and see what is going on in the world outside . I left the house here at home at about noon and stopped at Mae 's house and picked her up , and continued the few blocks on over to Hugh and Imazo 's home . Imazo and one of their grandsons , Jon , were there arranging furniture so that the bed would have room to fit in with out a lot of feeling of being crowded . The ambulance brought Hugh home about 1 : 30 or 2 : 00 , and got him comfortably in bed . We visited awhile , and I volunteered to go get medications that he had prescriptions for and also to buy some sheets for the hospital bed . Mae went with me , and after we bought the medicines , and sheets , we decided to stop at Buddy 's Bar - b - q and pick up some late lunches . I was thinking about leaving soon and going home , but when we got back , I discovered that one med was missing and we called and found they had one that was supposed to have been picked up the other day , so I brought in Imazo 's lunch , and headed back for the other med . I went to get the medicine and brought it back , and then Mae and I took off . I took her home , and then went home myself , and Dub and I had a late lunch / early supper . About Hugh : It seems that the other day when he was on his way to the doctor 's office and kind of passed out , he was having a slight heart attack ( if one can be considered slight ) . He has kidney disease , a weak heart , and a non functioning thryroid gland . I personally do not expect him to survive for a long time . Imazo is believing that he will get better . He is on Hospice care , which to me says he is dying , but I do not say any of this to her . Better to let her have all the hope she can , and let her eventually come to that realization on her own . He is on oxygen , and still has the catheter in his bladder . Gramps and I intend to head back in tomorrow to visit Posted by Hey , Y ' all , Not a lot new this morning . I did go down and walk twenty minutes in the basement at 7 a . m . and was rewarded with back pain , of course , but I did walk . Gramps got up early and had his once a week ham , eggs , biscuits , and coffee . So we ate about 9 a . m . and now at 11 : 00 he is back in bed snoozing and making up for the sleep he didn 't get last night . I have had my morning shower and am dressed to go to Knoxville . I talked to Imazo and she was waiting for her grandson , Tom , to come and take her home to get the living room ready for Hugh . He is going to be discharged today . I don 't yet know what the full prognosis is ; I do know that one is not put into Hospice care with out being on the way out of this life into the next . I pray that his going will be peaceful and that everyone who wishes to will have a chance to say good bye to him . I know his heart is weak , and that his faith is strong . Tomorrow , I plan on taking Gramps with me into Knoxville to visit . I know the weather is better today than yesterday , and it will be warmer tomorrow than today . That is about all I have to report . I will post more later today . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for right now . Love to you all . Bye for now . Hey , Y ' all , Just a small update on Hugh . . . As soon as Imazo can get home and move things around in her living room , then Hospice will come and set up the hospital bed for Hugh to be in . I am hoping to be able to go in tomorrow to give her opportunity to do that . The temperatures here tonight are supposed to be in the teens but are due to get up to around 37 degrees before tomorrow evening . I could probably have gone to Knoxville today , but it was nice to be able to just lounge around here today , and I didn 't know what kind of roads I would be traveling over if I did go . If they announce school for tomorrow , I will know it will be okay . Please continue to pray for Hugh and Imazo and their family ( and us ) . Your prayers will be much appreciated . More news as I get it . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for now . Love to you all , my readers . bye for now . Hey , Y ' all , This morning we are watching the historic events taking place today . . . Hundreds of thousands of people standing in the cold and freezing temperatures waiting to see the inauguration of the first Black American President of the United States . In the meantime , we are concerned with weightier events happening in our own area . My brother , Hugh , has a heart that is growing weaker by the day . We know that his time here is drawing to a close . We have no way of knowing how close that time is . I talked with Imazo this morning . She related to me that he had a rough patch of it last night when he had difficulty breathing . The nurses came in and gave him something which helped him to breathe better , but she didn 't know what it was . His family doctor came in early this morning and told them that Hugh 's heart is too weak to do a fibrilator pacemaker . He also told them that the Hospice people would come in and talk to them about health care at home when Hugh goes back home . Imazo told me that his hands are puffy this morning , and his swelling in his body has not gone down a whole lot , but some . She is still hoping that they would be sending him home tomorrow . We could not travel to Knoxville today to visit him because of the weather . It snowed all day long here yesterday and it was beautiful . All area schools are closed today , and I think the temperatures are not due to go over 29 degrees today . It seems that some roads have ice and snow on them . Last night was a lot of fun . Unfortunately , I didn 't think of getting a picture , but next time I will . Our neighbors are delightful people and we had a good supper , then Laurie ( the wife ) had a Bible Study to go to ( which is a Monday night regular event ) . Scott , ( her husband ) and the children , Mitchell , Olivia , and Gabe , helped clear the table and I loaded the dishwasher . ( Yes , girls , I do use the dishwasher occasionally for something besides draining dishes that I wash and rinse in the sink . ) We played dominos and had a lot of fun doing it . Then we played a game that they had Posted by Hey , Y ' all , Not a great deal of time this afternoon . I have been preparing the house for visitors for supper ( our neighbors , a family of five ) and have been getting supper on the stove . I also have to put the extra leaf in our table , I usually keep it just large enough for 4 chairs . I got the kitchen floor swept ( a lot of cheerios where they escape from Gramps ' spoon when he eats breakfast ) . Potato soup is on cooking , pork tenderloin is in the crockpot , already have made a dozen deviled eggs this morning and they are waiting in the fridge to be served . Baked ( fried type pies ) are in their container , ice cream is in the freeezer ( no sugar added icecream ) . I reckon supper is all taken care of except for the cornbread muffins to be made just before 5 p . m . I am hoping the kids will like to play dominos with me . I know Gramps probably will opt out ( he ususally does ) . When talking to Imazo this morning around noon , she told me that they had come in to remove the white stockings from Hugh , because they were too tight . They are going to be putting some of those pneumatic stockings on him that contract and expand . She also said that some of the swelling is going down but not a lot yet . They are going to begin giving him physical therapy of some kind , to kind of move him a little and get the blood flowing better through his body . His blood pressure was good saturday when I was there , also his oxygen level measured good , but they put him on oxygen anyway , because of his difficulty in breathing . I think they did that on Saturday evening Imazo told me that they are still checking out several things concerning his health , but didn 't actually tell me what . Perhaps she didn 't know what all they were talking about , or she couldn 't remember everything . Either is quite possible . I will tell you more as I find it out . Hugh 's color is not good , and I am thinking they may want to put him in rehab , and I am sure he won 't be too enthusiastic about that . Well , I need to go now and take my shower and get ready for our company . My back is just Posted by Hey , Y ' all , I just talked with Imazo and found out some new information on Hugh , and I knew there were those of you who would be wanting to know . Hugh was having difficulty breathing last night , so they started giving him oxygen , and he continues to be on that . They have also been giving him anti - coagulant injections in his tummy to prevent blood clots from forming . He also has the white anti - blood clot elastic stockings on his feet and legs . ( He had those yesterday , but I forgot to report that ) . Imazo tells me that the kidney doctor came in this morning and told her that Hugh would be there at least till Wednesday till they could determine what is going on and what to do about it . I will not be going in tomorrow , but I will go back on Tuesday to visit , depending on the weather . However , I will be calling a couple of times a day to keep a check on him tomorrow . I have made my fried pies for tomorrow , ( actually , they are baked , not fried ) , and will be cleaning the kitchen after while , after I rest a little . I used a larger circle this time than the biscuit cutter , and it took less time to make the pies . I baked them at 425 degrees for 20 minutes . I put them on a large pizza pan ( on aluminum foil , sprayed the aluminum foil with buttery spray , then sprayed the top of each pie with the buttery spray ) and then cooked baked them . Gramps went back to bed for a while this afternoon . He had to catch up on the sleep he lost by getting up at 9 : 30 this morning . Ha . Well , I reckon that is it for this evening . More tomorrow . This is Blabbn ' Grammy signing off ( again ) for the day . Love to all of you , and may you each have a peaceful night 's sleep . Bye for now . Hey , Y ' all , Another Sunday morning . . . . quiet with the only noise a television set playing , and work waiting for me in the kitchen . Gramps actually got up this morning at about 9 : 30 , surprise , surprise ! We went to bed early last night , about 8 : 30 , and I thought the night would never end , but it did finally , at 7 a . m . for me . I had time to clean the kitchen before I had my breakfast . I have plans to make peach fried pies , and apple fried pies for dessert tomorrow evening . Our new neighbors are coming for supper and will be staying a while to visit . I called Hugh this morning and he said he had a fairly good night , followed by another imitation breakfast ( powdered eggs , oatmeal , orange juice , and coffee ) . Not a lot to hoot about , but passable . He said he doesn 't really expect a doctor in today . Well , not much else going on around here . I may not get into Knoxville tomorrow if the weather continues to be a problem . There are reports of wrecks in the east TN area ( not in Knoxville ) and promises of snow showers . More later . Love to you all . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for now . Bye for now . Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes . Hey , Y ' all , I went to see Hugh today at the hospital and found my grand nephew and his wife , Andrew and Laura , along with Andrew 's dad , Jeff , visiting Hugh . It was really wonderful to see them again . Of course , Jeff is Hugh 's youngest son . Andrew and Laura were telling us about the skiing trip they had returned from a week ago . They had reservations at a condominium at Jackson Hole , Wyoming , and could not get there when they wished to . There was so much snow in Jackson Hole that planes could not land there for several days , so they were stranded in Denver for 2 or 3 days . However , they did finally get there and had a wonderful time , and got to stay the full amount of time ( a week ) . I found Hugh hooked up to a couple of IV 's . One was Lasix and the other potassium . His legs and abdomen are still quite swollen with fluid , but hopefully will soon be better . The doctor explained yesterday that the fluid leaking from his leg is protein in the tissues that is getting out the best way it can . It seems that there is so much collected in the tissues and arteries , it tries to find a way out . By the way , the fluid is still leaking out that little place in the lower leg . He is rather uncomfortable , because of the difficulty breathing , and can 't get to sit up the way he would like to . He also has a cough brought on by the congestive heart failure . They are measuring his intake and output of fluid since that is very important data that they need to track . I visited with them for a couple of hours . Imazo had gone home to shower and get refreshed , so was not there when I arrived , but she did get back a little while before I had to leave . I did not want to stay too long because I didn 't want to stay away from Gramps too long . I made us some egg sandwiches when I got home and we had a couple of cookies for dessert . Well , that is about all for now . More when I know more . Love to all of you . I think I may make an early night of it tonight . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for now . Bye till another time . Posted by Hey , Y ' all , Here is the promised picture of Kyah 's quilt , Kyah being the name of Jessie 's baby who is due to be born next week . This kind of quilt is called a " six - hour love quilt " , but believe me , it takes me more than six hours to make one . They are called love quilts because they are made quite often as lap quilts to be given to people in nursing homes and women who go to battered wives safe houses who have babies or small children . They make wonderful lap quilts to keep people warm when they are watching television or sitting for a long time where they might get chilled . I love making them because they are so simple to make and are quilted as you stitch them . As of now , I have no update on my brother . I will be calling Imazo around 10 a . m . I do need to go into Jefferson City today to get my medication precriptions that I called in a couple of days ago , also to get some groceries to replenish what we have been using over the last couple of weeks . It is still very cold outside , and I have yet to eat breakfast . I tried my twenty minute walk this morning but had to give it up after ten minutes because my lower back just wouldn 't let me do it , but I will go back down tomorrow morning and try again . My plans are to go into Knoxville in the early afternoon to visit for a couple of hours and then I will post again after I get home from there . I heard something this morning as I was walking about snow showers tomorrow . ( I listen to the radio as I walk . I unplug it each time I stop walking , then turn it on again when I begin , so the digital time blinks beginning with 12 : 00 and I can keep track of how many minutes I walk ) . Well , on to breakfast and then a shower . Then out into the cold to go to Jeff City . BRRRRRRRRRRRR . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for right now . Love to you all . Bye for now . Posted by Hey , Y ' all , Well , we spent several hours in Knoxville this afternoon . We went to the front entrance of the St . Mary 's Hospital , and discovered that Hugh was still in the emergency room . The problem then was " what to do with Gramps " because he could not walk a long distance , so I kind of acted helpless when talking to the information desk people , and one of them went to get a wheelchair for me to put him into so that we could go to the emergency room which is some distance from the front entrance . Believe me , I am pretty good with the helpless routine , so they were really anxious to help us . ( Besides which , it really was a problem of what to do . I didn 't want to leave him there and it was too far for him to walk ) . So with the wheelchair , we proceeded to the central elevators and went to the LL2 level and I walked some good distance pushing the wheelchair till we got to the emergency room waiting area . I left him in the wheelchair and went over to the desk and got a pass to go back to see Hugh . They had not done a lot with him at that time , although he had been in there for several hours . I know they had checked his vital signs and he was resting comfortably , but had not had anything to eat . It was about 1 p . m . when we got there . Jeff 's wife , Peggy , was with them , and Jeff was having tests at another hospital concerning his vertigo which he has had problems with for some time . Not long after we got there , Mae came in . She had been dropped off by her son , Fred . Mae is our sister - in - law who is the widow of our oldest brother , Bill . She has been in our family ever since I was four years old , and is a dear friend . Imazo was right there by Hugh , of course , and I am sure was very tired , but holding up very well . I visited with them for awhile and then came out , and let Mae go back and visit with them for awhile . Not long after that , Mae , Imazo and I decided to get a sandwich out of one of the machines that they keep in waiting areas . The sandwiches were then heated in a microwave . They weren 't too bad , actually . Just a littlPosted by Hey , Y ' all , Well , they say everybody talks about the weather , but today , we are feeling it . I don 't think our heat / airconditioning unit has stopped running all night , and I checked it during the early night , and saw it was running on auxillary heat . No wonder , because it really got down into the single digits during the night . There was also a beautiful heavy frost on the ground this morning . The heavy frost this morning reminded me of something I was reflecting on the other morning when I went out to get the mail down at the road . Walking on the frosty ground , feeling the crunch under my shoes , made me remember how it was when my brother , John , and I were young people going to school in the winter time . We would walk through the yard to the road ( the very road that Gramps and I live on now ) , on our way to walking to catch the schoolbus . We walked a mile to catch the bus in the mornings ( rain , snow , or sunshine ) , and yes , it was uphill but only in the afternoon when we walked back . If one has never walked on frosty ground , feeling and hearing the crunch of the frost under the feet , they have really missed one of the great pleasures in life . This morning , I began my regimen of walking again . I put on my walking shoes by New Balance that I purchased when Teresa came to visit at Thanksgiving . I went to the basement ( and it was quite cool down there , since there is no heat , but not too bad at all ) and walked for twenty minutes at a constant pace . I walked until my back hurt too bad to continue , but it was a beginning , and I hope to be able to continue it . Also , I ususally go in my stocking feet in the house , but I think I will try wearing my walking shoes and maybe that will help my back to not hurt so much . Yesterday , I finished making a baby quilt for Mark and Allie 's daughter , Jessica 's , baby . Her baby is due to be born next week . I have yet to make a label for the quilt , and am going to do that very soon . I took pictures of the quilt yesterday , and am posting them today . I love making baby quilts , and imagine how swePosted by Hey , Y ' all , My day started at 2 : 30 a . m . when I heard Gramps get out of bed . I thought he was headed into the bathroom , so after a few minutes , I sat up and looked to see if he was still in the bathroom . I called out to him and no answer . I got up and looked in the bathroom and he wasn 't there . I went into the living room and saw the kitchen light was on . I went on in to the kitchen and saw that he had the bottle of milk on the table along with the Cheerios . He was sitting there eating a bowl of cereal . I asked him if he knew what time it was and said , " Who told you it was time for breakfast ? " He just smiled and rubbed his tummy . So I put the milk back into the fridge and said for him to come back to bed when he was through , but there would be no coffee that early in the morning . I continued on to the bathroom and then crawled back into bed and waited for him to return . He did so in few minutes . We finished the morning by sleeping a few more hours . It was just too funny . I never know what he is going to do . I have determined that I actually have a great place to walk and had not really thought about it . My basement will be a great place to walk and it is so handy . Mark has just had it painted a couple of weeks ago , and it is nice and clean . So in the morning , that is what I plan to do . I actually do better walking before breakfast . ON THE Medical front : It is supposed to be in the single digits in cold temperatures outside in the morning . I didn 't want to take Gramps out into that cold . I decided to call my eye surgeon and postpone my appintment . I have called and changed my eye surgery appt . to March . After I called them , Hugh called me to tell me about his appointment on tomorrow . About Hugh : His son , Jeff , stopped by last night at Hugh 's house , and apparently saw that Hugh has a leak on his lower leg near his ankle , and wanted him to see his Nephrologist , Dr , Holmes . It was supposed to be March before he was due to see Dr . Holmes . This morning , Imazo called Dr . Cox ( Cardiologist ) , and asked if they could make an apPosted by Hey , Y ' all , Didja ever think about how people can work outdoors in the coldest weather ? Didja ever drive along and look out your car window , and see guys huddled around a car , looking at its innards , and quite often they would all be in shirt sleeves , looking macho ? Then you would wonder how in the world they could stand being out there in the cold and not be cold ? I have often wondered how they could do that . Anyway , all that being said , my neighbor and his 13 year old son , have been working today in very cold temperatures closing in the back of my carport , thus turning it from a wind tunnel into a warmer place . It was about 19 or so degrees this morning when they began their work . Of course , they are warmly dressed , but in my book , it would be tooooooooo cooooooooooooold for me to even try to work in those temperatures . Isn 't that a beautiful ramp that they built to my back door . My husband has no trouble at all now , getting in and out the back door . We feel truly blest for having it . I don 't know why I hadn 't thought of it before I did . But anyway , we have it now , and are thankful for it . I did manage to get down to the mailbox on the road this morning . I dressed warmly and took the hundred and twenty or so steps down to the box and then back up . My brother went to see his cardiologist today and the dr . increased his lasix from 60 mg once a day to 80 mg . twice a day . He also had an echocardiogram , but won 't get the results from that until next week when he goes back . Hugh had not been out since January 2nd and it was quite difficult for him , but he made it okay . No doubt , he probably had a nap this afternoon . I know I did , but it was in my computer chair . Ha . I will be going to see my eye specialist on Friday ( weather permitting ) and get the right eye zapped with a laser to break up a membrane that developed following the cataract surgery that I had nearly eight years ago . Hopefully , it will improve my eyesight in my right eye . Isn 't it amazing how quickly this year has gotten off to a start ? We are close to miPosted by Hey , Y ' all , Yeah , I know . . . You are probably not fans of American Idol . . . But I love watching the tryouts . All that energy . . . All that enthusiasm . . . All that youthful belief . . . It is wonderful to behold . Yes , I enjoy watching them sing . Some of them are really talented . The yearning is there to succeed . I am sometimes embarrassed for those who do poorly , and yes , ; sometimes I laugh . One cannot help him or herself . Well , today Gramps decided he needed a shower ( thank goodness ) and we got him one . Then I took one whether I needed it or not . Ha . Fortunately , it had not been but a day since I had taken one . Then Mark and Brian ( his son - in - law ) and little Kevin came over . Brian is an architect out in California and was measuring our basement in preparation for drawing up plans for finishing up the basement and putting in a bathroom , bedroom and family room down there . I had a lot of fun playing with Kevin , feeding him animal cookies , talking to him , and letting him watch cartoons . He is a delightful little boy , and so very smart . Gramps was up very early this morning , having slept most of the day yesterday , and so by 8 p . m . he was back in bed . I 've worked a good part of today on Jessie 's baby quilt . I hope to get it mostly finished tomorrow . She is due to deliver this next week . Well , I need to stop for now . Time for rest this evening . More tomorrow . May each of you feel God 's love and peace in your hearts . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for today . Bye for now . Hey , Y ' all , As promised , here are some more of the wedding pictures . I will identify as soon as I can post this and then edit it . Top left is : Immediate wedding party during ceremony . Top right is complete family of bride Next one is Jennifer and Tanya ( bridesmaid and Matron of honor ) Next left is of the 4 sisters : Tanya , Rachael , Sarah , JessicaNext right is : Mother of Groom ( Drama ) , Father of Groom ( Lucky ) and best man with groomsman ( I don 't know names ) ; Next pic is of Sarah , Jon B . ( singer in ceremony ) , Allie , and JessicaLast pic is of the flower girl ( Cassidy , daughter of groom ) ; ring bearer ( Connor , son of groom ) Well , folks that is all the pictures I am going to post of the wedding . I hope you enjoy looking at them . If you wish to see the pictures a normal large size , just click on the picture with left click and you will be able to actually see the faces and other details . Then click on blue arrow at top of browser ( left blue arrow ) and it will take you back to the blog . Gramps stayed in bed yesterday until about 4 : 30 in the afternoon . I finally got him up and made breakfast for our supper ( biscuits , eggs , ham , coffee ) . Then he went to bed at 8 : 30 , so consequently , he was up at 6 : 30 this morning . I reckon he finally got enough rest for awhile . I am working on Jessica 's baby quilt in between uploading pictures for the blog . I am finally through with the uploading of pictures ( praise God ! ) and will go back to the quilt when I am finished posting . We had a heavy , heavy frost last night that looked like a baby snow . We are supposed to have snow showers today . I did get my laundry almost finished yesterday . Yesterday was one of those " in my nightgown and housecoat all day " days . It has begun the same way this morning , but I reckon I will shower and dress a little later today . ( If I think it 's worth it ) . Do you ever have one of those days when you just feel ( it ain 't worth doing nuthin ' ? ) ? It seems that when I know I won 't be going out it just isn 't worth getting dressed . Well , I reckon I will close this one out for the Posted by Hey , Y ' all , It was a beautiful wedding . . . here are some pictures to illustrate that fact . I was so pleased to be given the place of honor of " grandmother " for Rachael in the wedding party . I have been rather filling that place in their lives since about fourteen years ago , when I became their " Aunt Ruby " . When they moved to New Market , and we discovered that Mark and my son - in - law , Daryl , are first cousins , we became " family " and I consider Allie as a daughter , and she calls me her " Mom " . Her mother and Mark 's mother have passed on , and so I am probably the closest thing their children have as a grandmother . Hence , I was escorted in and seated , then Allie was escorted in and seated next to me , just before the wedding attendants came in . It was so sweet , and I appreciated it so very much . Their family means so very much to Gramps and me . Well , I have posted all the pictures that the site will do right now . Maybe I can do some more tomorrow morning . My brother , Hugh , has a doctor 's appointment on Wednesday , but I don 't know which doctor yet , since he has three that he sees regularly . Identification of the persons in the pictures : ALSO FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DO NOT KNOW , YOU CAN LEFT CLICK ON PICTURES TO SEE THEM BIGGER , THEN LEFT CLICK ON LEFT ARROW AT TOP OF BROWSER , IT WILL TAKE YOU BACK TO THE BLOG . top left : Mark and Rachael going toward groom , top right : Bride and groom after ceremonycenter : Mark and Allie ( parents of the bride ) lower left : Mark and melower right : Rachaels two uncles and Mark . ( Uncle Phil , Uncle James ) As I said earlier , I have many more pictures but am having a little problem with some of them uploading . Will try more later . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for the present . I am working on a baby quilt for Jessie 's baby due this month . More later . Love to you all . Bye for now . Hey , Y ' all , Had a pretty good night 's sleep ( well , as good as one can expect , I guess ) , and I thank God for it . I may have to take a nap today , though . I don 't really feel fully awake , but it will be okay for now . If I want to upload pictures to my blog , early morning is best . Weather is going to be cold this week , down into the teens at night . I have an appointment to have my right eye zapped with a laser on Friday and I hear it is going to be really cold that morning . The weather man is predicting snow showers tomorrow and Thursday . I reckon it is going to do whatever it is going to do . I also reckon I won 't be going out anywhere until Friday morning . I have laundry to finish today , and the vegetable beef soup we had last night was really good . I have enough left over for later in the week . We have enough food stocked back so that I won 't have to go out for groceries all week anyway . Here are a couple of more rehearsal pictures . The top one is Tanya and Brian 's youngest child , Adam , who is only a little more than a year old . Tanya is Allie 's oldest daughter and sister of the bride , Rachael . The lower one is the daughter of Bob and Julie , who are youth minister and wife . Bob conducted the wedding ceremony . Unfortunately , I can 't remember the baby 's name . Aren 't they adorable ? The wedding was held in our church , New Market Baptist . Well , it is time for my breakfast , and who knows , I may go back to bed later this morning , or maybe I won 't . Right now , I just don 't know . However , I will be back later this morning and post some wedding pictures . I have a bunch of them and the difficult thing will be deciding which to put on my post . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for now . More later . Love to you all . Bye for now . Hey , Y ' all , As promised here are some pics of the rehearsal on Friday evening and the rehearsal dinner which followed . Tomorrow , I 'll try to post some of the wedding pictures . I had a wonderful time at both events , and am glad I didn 't have to miss either . I will have to post the rest of the rehearsal pics tomorrow because the internet is so busy now they will not upload . Supper tonight ( Sunday evening ) is vegetable beef soup , which has been making all afternoon . I have been working this afternoon on a baby quilt for Jessie , who is expecting her baby girl to be born in January . Pictures today are : ( top ) bride and groom ( Rachael and Jason ) at rehearsal dinner buffet , ( 2 ) tables set for dinner ( 3 ) Jason waiting for bride at front of church ( 4 ) Mark walking with Rachael to front . I had a really nice time chatting with Teresa online today . That is such a pleasure for me . I really miss close contact with my daughters and families when it is not happening . Gramps did very well last evening while I was gone . I just had to trust that he would be fine . He was munching on a left over cornbread muffin when I came in and happy as a lark . I am sure part of the reason he was happy was to see me at home . Well , it is time for us to eat supper , so I will leave this for now . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for the day . Love to all of you , my dear readers . Bye for now . More tomorrow . Blogs are so much fun ! If you enjoy a blog entry , and would like to leave a comment , notice that at the bottom of each blog entry is are the words , " 0 comments " or " 2 comments " , reflecting how many comments people have made . Sometimes people comment on the entry , sometimes they even comment on each other 's comments ! Some polite rules for comments are no unkind words , say nice or humorous things or refrain from commenting , no profanity ( which I wouldn 't expect out of my friends , anyway ! ) , and don 't use other people 's last names , because some folks don 't like their names made public . To comment , just click on the " 0 comments " line , and it will take you to a place to comment . Write your comment in the space they provide . Then you have to " log in " . If you don 't have a google account , just click on the link to getting an account . It 's free . . . . will not cost you anything at all . After you write your comment and sign in , say , " Publish your comment " , and you 've blogged ! Enjoy ! |
Hey , Y ' all , Well , here it is a beautiful sunny Saturday , and I am up early just puttering around , and seeing what the weekend will bring . Gramps and I went into Knoxville yesterday to spend some time with Imazo , Mae , and David ( Imazo 's son from Arizona ) . We went to do one of our favorite family things , which is to eat . ha . We decided to go to Louis ' Restaurant and put on the " feed - bag " . They absolutely serve the best spaghetti and meat sauce you would ever want to wrap your tongue around . YUM ! I can never eat the whole serving , and usually bring half of it home . Yesterday was no exception to that rule . David is returning home today , and I know that Imazo is going to miss him terribly . He and Jeff ( her younger son ) have been helping her to go through bills and other paper work that she needs to get straight , since Hugh was the one who took care of all the business matters . After we got back from the restaurant , we sat around talking and just enjoying visiting with one another . Gramps and I stopped at the Food City Grocery on the way home and I purchased a few items that we needed . This morning , I began clearing off my computer desk of items that need to be filed in my filing cabinet , and right now they are lying in the floor ready to be filed away . Just as I was beginning today 's blog posting , my daughter , Teresa , sent me an IM and we have been chatting away for the past hour and a half . What fun ! I so enjoy the time I can spend with her . We never run out of anything to say ( mostly just inconsequential stuff , but still fun ) . I hear Gramps playing the tv in our bedroom . ( a Few hours later ) Mark called and asked me to follow him to the auto mechanic 's home to take his truck over for a small repair . He came over in a short time and I followed him and then brought him back to his house . We sat and chatted for awhile , then I came back home . I found Gramps sitting in the living room , dressed and waiting for me to make his morning coffee , which I did , then made myself a sandwich for lunch . Not much else doing today , except to fiPosted by Hey , Y ' all , Over the past couple of days , I just stayed in my gown and housecoat , and didn 't bother with dressing . I was in my blue funk mood , and was not considering doing anything except maybe a little housework , and sewing . That is exactly what I did . This morning , I woke up ready to shower and get dressed . After taking stock of the contents of the pantry and refrigerator , I knew it was time to do a lot of things this day . No milk for breakfast , no bread for sandwiches , and there was trash to be bagged up and carried to the local dumpster . There happened to be just enough milk for Gramps ' breakfast this morning , but not mine . I had collected the trash , took my Nexium for reflux , taken my shower , and gotten dressed by 9 a . m . I was going to go ahead and do the chores I needed to do , but had not had any breakfast . I scrounged up an egg , a slice of cheese , a couple of slices of raisin bread , made some hot tea , and fixed my breakfast . Scrambled the egg , added the cheese , toasted the bread , and sat down to eat . Then I really felt up to running out to do the errands needed to be done . I left Gramps putting some shoe laces into a pair of shoes he wanted to wear , carried the trash out to the car , grabbed my purse , put on my coat and purple cap , and headed out to New Market . I stopped to visit with Judy at the church , went on to deposit the trash at the dump , stopped to pay our electric bill at the co - op , went on to the drug store to download some pictures into their machine , then went on to the Wal - mart for needed things , and groceries , then back to the drug store to pic up the pics . After I picked them up , I went on to the Library to get some books to read , and headed home . All that took me about two and a half hours , and I was truly worn out when I got home . While at Wal - mart , I ran into a lady who had graduated from high school when I did . It was really great seeing her again , and we exchanged phone numbers . We stood there for awhile talking about people we both knew . I will definitely be calling her soon so we can getPosted by Hey , Y ' all , Last night , I downloaded a new game ( I belong to Real Arcade Games ) and get a new game every month for $ 9 . 95 . Last night 's game is a solitaire card game , and is a lot of fun to play and waste time playing . I was up until 1 a . m . playing , and then dragged to bed . I slept until 5 a . m . and then was up for a few minutes to get a drink of water and make a pit stop . Back to bed and then up at a little after 7 this morning . I will probably be ready to take a nap about the time that Gramps decides to get up . I had my breakfast and cleaned the kitchen , dried a load of laundry that I had washed last night . Yesterday , I did about three loads of laundry , and folded what had already been washed and dried . Gramps and I watched some television together last night , until he changed the channel and started watching CNN . That is where I drew the line and moved into my work / craft room . I fired up my PC and started surfing and reading . After breakfast this morning , I came in here and turned on my PC , my television , and checked my e - mail , did a crossword puzzle on the computer at the News - Sentinel webpage , checked the obituaries and didn 't find my name or the name of anyone else that I might know . I have the television on watching ( or listening to ) the favorite show of senior citizens - " The Price is Right " . Gramps and I have always enjoyed seeing people win prizes . I love to watch how they are so enthused when they are on and win . Imazo said this morning that Jeff and David are helping her to sort out business matters that must be paid and taken care of . Hugh did all the management of business for the two of them , except when she ordered something , and then she took care of paying that bill . Teresa called me yesterday afternoon to see how we were doing , and while we were talking on my home phone , Carol called me on my cell phone . I had an idea , and thought maybe they could talk to each other , so I tried something . I turned the cell phone upside down and held it to the home phone , and they were able to talk to each other , and Posted by Hey , Y ' all , Yeah , I know it is a different size type today , but I thought I would try a different font , and different size to see how it transposes into the post . Yesterday , our family gathered to say a final goodbye to Hugh , until that time when we see him again . A few of us gathered at Hugh 's and Imazo 's home , and then proceeded to the cemetery and lined the cars in a procession to the graveside . We alighted from the cars and edged our way up to the chairs that had been placed beside the grave . The grandsons and nephews of Hugh then carried his bier up to the grave and placed it on the stand above the empty grave . The wind blew in small gusts , making us feel the chill of the day . It was nothing compared to the chill we felt in our hearts for the temporary loss of Hugh in our lives . The pastors who had conducted the services for Hugh the night before were there to say a few more words in our behalf . Then the flag that had draped Hugh 's casket was handed to Imazo , hands were shaken by the pastors , and we were left to proceed to our cars after some of us stood around to talk . I took Dub and Carol and myself on down to the car , because I didn 't want to stand around in the cold , when I knew we would be gathering at their church in a short time . We headed on out of the cemetery and toward the church . We arrived at the church to find the food ready to serve . They have a fine man who takes care of seeing that food is prepared and served for such occasions as this one . It was not long before we had taken off our coats and picked up a plate to serve ourselves at the bounteous table . After we had filled our plates , we seated ourselves at one of several tables that had been set up for us , and spent a time eating and sharing stories , and enjoying time together . After we had finished chowing down , I got out my camera and handed it over to Carol , and she proceeded to taking group pictures so we would have a pictorial record of those who were there . We all had a lovely time and I know Hugh would have thoroughly enjoyed the facGrammy Hey , Y ' all , Today is the birthday of our great grandson , Austin . He is six years old today . What a wonderful age to be ! An age of exploring the world around us . An age of wonderment . An age of realization that there is so much one can learn to do and be . Austin is the oldest son of our grandson , Daniel and wife , Whitney . We don 't get to see them more than once a year , but we so much appreciate them all . To learn more about Austin and his family , go to : http : / / waiting4number4 . blogspot . comIt is a joy to read about them and what they are all about . Austin , Happy Birthday ! We love you . Have a great day ! Grammy and Gramps . Hey , Y ' all , No pictures this morning , except for those I can make with words . We had a wonderful coming together of friends and families last evening , in memory of Hugh . Carol , our oldest daughter , was able to come in and be with us after all . She had thought that she wouldn 't , but we were pleasantly surprised to get a call from her that she could come after all . Everyone was grateful for her presence and her physical support . I know that our daughter , Teresa , and her husband Tom were supporting us with prayers , and we were so grateful for them . Yesterday morning , Gramps and I got ready and went to Knoxville around ten o ' clock and joined with the other family members that were at Hugh 's and Imazo 's . When we arrived we found that Imazo 's sisters , Barbara and Dorothy , from Monroe County were already there with some of their kin . Hugh 's son , David , had arrived from Arizona with his wife , Andrea , and son , Steven very late the evening before . Jeff and his wife , Peggy , were there also . Jeff and Peggy live in Knoxville . We sat around talking , reliving memories of the past , as one does when a loved one passes on . Then around 12 : 30 , I left to go to the airport to pick up Carol , and soon after we got back , several of Imazo 's nieces from Ohio came in . It was wonderful to see so many people there coming together in support of Imazo , Jeff , and David and their family . The cousins always enjoy getting together and talking to one another . I really enjoy seeing them all together . We left for the funeral home about 3 : 30 , and soon we were seeing a lot of people , some of whom I knew and mostly didn 't . Since Hugh was eighty when he died , there were a lot of senior citizens who came to remember and honor his memory . There were also a lot of children who came . A set of triplets who are about five years old came to the funeral . Imazo teaches a Sunday school class of preschoolers . It was so sweet to see her bending over and hugging all three of them at the same time , and them hugging her in return . You know how it is when you stand for twoGrammy Hey , Y ' all , I had to wait until I had somewhat decided what I wanted to write before I sat down to do so . There is so very much to say , and my heart is so full of Thanksgiving for what wonderful families we have . We have so many kinds of families , don 't we ? First , we have the family that we were born into . Mother , father , brothers , sisters , are all in that family . Then as we become adults , there are the family units that we compose for ourselves . Husband , or wife , children , grandchildren are in this unit . Then there is the larger family that contains aunts , uncles , cousins , nieces , nephews and in - laws . There is beyond that the friends that we make during life , that contains best friends that we may keep until one of us passes on . Then there is the church family that may contain some or all of the ones mentioned already . We meet people during our lives that come to mean so very much to us . They will sometimes be in various family groups that I mentioned . As I described each of these family groups , I envisioned people that I love that fit into each group . During the past thirteen months , three of the people that I love dearly have gone on to be with the Lord . As each have passed on , I imagined them being greeted by family that had gone on before them . I figure that right now , Margaret , John , Hugh , Bill , Ralph , Thelma ( Ralph 's wife ) , and our Mom and our Dad are all having a wonderful get together , and saying " Wow ! Isn 't it wonderful to all be together ? Wonder when the others are going to be here ? " I know they must be singing praises to our Heavenly Father . I am here to celebrate the life of my brother , Hugh David , and to say how very much he meant to so many people . Hugh was a very kind individual , and to him , family was primary in his life . He loved his family , and he loved his Lord . Hugh knew people and was always seeing someone that he knew , wherever he went . We would be out somewhere , eating supper , and he would spot someone that he knew . He would nod to them as they passed our table and say something like " How aPosted by This is Carol , blogging for Mom . Mom 's brother , Hugh , has gone home to the Lord tonight . He was already in hospice care at home , and suffered a heart attack . Her heart is heavy tonight , and she 's headed into Knoxville to be with Imazo and any of the other relatives who will be there , holding Imazo with both their arms and their hearts . Hugh was the last of the " Campbell Boys " of his generation . In World War II , if my memory is right on this story , men who knew one of them would see one of the others , and say , " Hey , you 're a Campbell , aren 't you ? " Campbell men were known for their strong resemblance , and their integrity and love for their families , and their unhurried nature . My Uncle Hugh was always good to us girls . If he wanted to impart some wisdom to us , he 'd hug us , and say , " Now , Honey . . . . " Hugh and Imazo were always inseparable . They were of single heart and mind , and loved one another deeply . Mom 's family has always been close . No matter what happened in our lives , there was always family . I 'd say that 's a heritage that would have pleased Grandma and Grandpa , to know they raised their children to cherish one another , to cherish family . And above all , to love the Lord their God . My Uncle Hugh is in heaven now , with his Lord . Our sorrow is his joy . Please be in prayer for Mom and Dub and Imazo and Mae ( another sister in law ) and Darlene ( yet another sister in law ) , and for Jeff and Peggy and David and Andrea , as well as all the grandkids . Hugh was a good Dad and Granddad . Thanks for the way you all love my Mom . She 's a fine lady , and is always loving others , and giving to them . Love you , Mom . Thanks for letting me do this blog . ~ Carol Hey , Y ' all , It seems like a kind of long day today , but I wanted to let you know that Hugh is home and ensconced in the living room in a hospital bed . He is oh , so happy to be home . His bed is in front of the window , so he can look out and see what is going on in the world outside . I left the house here at home at about noon and stopped at Mae 's house and picked her up , and continued the few blocks on over to Hugh and Imazo 's home . Imazo and one of their grandsons , Jon , were there arranging furniture so that the bed would have room to fit in with out a lot of feeling of being crowded . The ambulance brought Hugh home about 1 : 30 or 2 : 00 , and got him comfortably in bed . We visited awhile , and I volunteered to go get medications that he had prescriptions for and also to buy some sheets for the hospital bed . Mae went with me , and after we bought the medicines , and sheets , we decided to stop at Buddy 's Bar - b - q and pick up some late lunches . I was thinking about leaving soon and going home , but when we got back , I discovered that one med was missing and we called and found they had one that was supposed to have been picked up the other day , so I brought in Imazo 's lunch , and headed back for the other med . I went to get the medicine and brought it back , and then Mae and I took off . I took her home , and then went home myself , and Dub and I had a late lunch / early supper . About Hugh : It seems that the other day when he was on his way to the doctor 's office and kind of passed out , he was having a slight heart attack ( if one can be considered slight ) . He has kidney disease , a weak heart , and a non functioning thryroid gland . I personally do not expect him to survive for a long time . Imazo is believing that he will get better . He is on Hospice care , which to me says he is dying , but I do not say any of this to her . Better to let her have all the hope she can , and let her eventually come to that realization on her own . He is on oxygen , and still has the catheter in his bladder . Gramps and I intend to head back in tomorrow to visit Posted by Hey , Y ' all , Not a lot new this morning . I did go down and walk twenty minutes in the basement at 7 a . m . and was rewarded with back pain , of course , but I did walk . Gramps got up early and had his once a week ham , eggs , biscuits , and coffee . So we ate about 9 a . m . and now at 11 : 00 he is back in bed snoozing and making up for the sleep he didn 't get last night . I have had my morning shower and am dressed to go to Knoxville . I talked to Imazo and she was waiting for her grandson , Tom , to come and take her home to get the living room ready for Hugh . He is going to be discharged today . I don 't yet know what the full prognosis is ; I do know that one is not put into Hospice care with out being on the way out of this life into the next . I pray that his going will be peaceful and that everyone who wishes to will have a chance to say good bye to him . I know his heart is weak , and that his faith is strong . Tomorrow , I plan on taking Gramps with me into Knoxville to visit . I know the weather is better today than yesterday , and it will be warmer tomorrow than today . That is about all I have to report . I will post more later today . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for right now . Love to you all . Bye for now . Hey , Y ' all , Just a small update on Hugh . . . As soon as Imazo can get home and move things around in her living room , then Hospice will come and set up the hospital bed for Hugh to be in . I am hoping to be able to go in tomorrow to give her opportunity to do that . The temperatures here tonight are supposed to be in the teens but are due to get up to around 37 degrees before tomorrow evening . I could probably have gone to Knoxville today , but it was nice to be able to just lounge around here today , and I didn 't know what kind of roads I would be traveling over if I did go . If they announce school for tomorrow , I will know it will be okay . Please continue to pray for Hugh and Imazo and their family ( and us ) . Your prayers will be much appreciated . More news as I get it . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for now . Love to you all , my readers . bye for now . Hey , Y ' all , This morning we are watching the historic events taking place today . . . Hundreds of thousands of people standing in the cold and freezing temperatures waiting to see the inauguration of the first Black American President of the United States . In the meantime , we are concerned with weightier events happening in our own area . My brother , Hugh , has a heart that is growing weaker by the day . We know that his time here is drawing to a close . We have no way of knowing how close that time is . I talked with Imazo this morning . She related to me that he had a rough patch of it last night when he had difficulty breathing . The nurses came in and gave him something which helped him to breathe better , but she didn 't know what it was . His family doctor came in early this morning and told them that Hugh 's heart is too weak to do a fibrilator pacemaker . He also told them that the Hospice people would come in and talk to them about health care at home when Hugh goes back home . Imazo told me that his hands are puffy this morning , and his swelling in his body has not gone down a whole lot , but some . She is still hoping that they would be sending him home tomorrow . We could not travel to Knoxville today to visit him because of the weather . It snowed all day long here yesterday and it was beautiful . All area schools are closed today , and I think the temperatures are not due to go over 29 degrees today . It seems that some roads have ice and snow on them . Last night was a lot of fun . Unfortunately , I didn 't think of getting a picture , but next time I will . Our neighbors are delightful people and we had a good supper , then Laurie ( the wife ) had a Bible Study to go to ( which is a Monday night regular event ) . Scott , ( her husband ) and the children , Mitchell , Olivia , and Gabe , helped clear the table and I loaded the dishwasher . ( Yes , girls , I do use the dishwasher occasionally for something besides draining dishes that I wash and rinse in the sink . ) We played dominos and had a lot of fun doing it . Then we played a game that they had Posted by Hey , Y ' all , Not a great deal of time this afternoon . I have been preparing the house for visitors for supper ( our neighbors , a family of five ) and have been getting supper on the stove . I also have to put the extra leaf in our table , I usually keep it just large enough for 4 chairs . I got the kitchen floor swept ( a lot of cheerios where they escape from Gramps ' spoon when he eats breakfast ) . Potato soup is on cooking , pork tenderloin is in the crockpot , already have made a dozen deviled eggs this morning and they are waiting in the fridge to be served . Baked ( fried type pies ) are in their container , ice cream is in the freeezer ( no sugar added icecream ) . I reckon supper is all taken care of except for the cornbread muffins to be made just before 5 p . m . I am hoping the kids will like to play dominos with me . I know Gramps probably will opt out ( he ususally does ) . When talking to Imazo this morning around noon , she told me that they had come in to remove the white stockings from Hugh , because they were too tight . They are going to be putting some of those pneumatic stockings on him that contract and expand . She also said that some of the swelling is going down but not a lot yet . They are going to begin giving him physical therapy of some kind , to kind of move him a little and get the blood flowing better through his body . His blood pressure was good saturday when I was there , also his oxygen level measured good , but they put him on oxygen anyway , because of his difficulty in breathing . I think they did that on Saturday evening Imazo told me that they are still checking out several things concerning his health , but didn 't actually tell me what . Perhaps she didn 't know what all they were talking about , or she couldn 't remember everything . Either is quite possible . I will tell you more as I find it out . Hugh 's color is not good , and I am thinking they may want to put him in rehab , and I am sure he won 't be too enthusiastic about that . Well , I need to go now and take my shower and get ready for our company . My back is just Posted by Hey , Y ' all , I just talked with Imazo and found out some new information on Hugh , and I knew there were those of you who would be wanting to know . Hugh was having difficulty breathing last night , so they started giving him oxygen , and he continues to be on that . They have also been giving him anti - coagulant injections in his tummy to prevent blood clots from forming . He also has the white anti - blood clot elastic stockings on his feet and legs . ( He had those yesterday , but I forgot to report that ) . Imazo tells me that the kidney doctor came in this morning and told her that Hugh would be there at least till Wednesday till they could determine what is going on and what to do about it . I will not be going in tomorrow , but I will go back on Tuesday to visit , depending on the weather . However , I will be calling a couple of times a day to keep a check on him tomorrow . I have made my fried pies for tomorrow , ( actually , they are baked , not fried ) , and will be cleaning the kitchen after while , after I rest a little . I used a larger circle this time than the biscuit cutter , and it took less time to make the pies . I baked them at 425 degrees for 20 minutes . I put them on a large pizza pan ( on aluminum foil , sprayed the aluminum foil with buttery spray , then sprayed the top of each pie with the buttery spray ) and then cooked baked them . Gramps went back to bed for a while this afternoon . He had to catch up on the sleep he lost by getting up at 9 : 30 this morning . Ha . Well , I reckon that is it for this evening . More tomorrow . This is Blabbn ' Grammy signing off ( again ) for the day . Love to all of you , and may you each have a peaceful night 's sleep . Bye for now . Hey , Y ' all , Another Sunday morning . . . . quiet with the only noise a television set playing , and work waiting for me in the kitchen . Gramps actually got up this morning at about 9 : 30 , surprise , surprise ! We went to bed early last night , about 8 : 30 , and I thought the night would never end , but it did finally , at 7 a . m . for me . I had time to clean the kitchen before I had my breakfast . I have plans to make peach fried pies , and apple fried pies for dessert tomorrow evening . Our new neighbors are coming for supper and will be staying a while to visit . I called Hugh this morning and he said he had a fairly good night , followed by another imitation breakfast ( powdered eggs , oatmeal , orange juice , and coffee ) . Not a lot to hoot about , but passable . He said he doesn 't really expect a doctor in today . Well , not much else going on around here . I may not get into Knoxville tomorrow if the weather continues to be a problem . There are reports of wrecks in the east TN area ( not in Knoxville ) and promises of snow showers . More later . Love to you all . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for now . Bye for now . Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes . Hey , Y ' all , I went to see Hugh today at the hospital and found my grand nephew and his wife , Andrew and Laura , along with Andrew 's dad , Jeff , visiting Hugh . It was really wonderful to see them again . Of course , Jeff is Hugh 's youngest son . Andrew and Laura were telling us about the skiing trip they had returned from a week ago . They had reservations at a condominium at Jackson Hole , Wyoming , and could not get there when they wished to . There was so much snow in Jackson Hole that planes could not land there for several days , so they were stranded in Denver for 2 or 3 days . However , they did finally get there and had a wonderful time , and got to stay the full amount of time ( a week ) . I found Hugh hooked up to a couple of IV 's . One was Lasix and the other potassium . His legs and abdomen are still quite swollen with fluid , but hopefully will soon be better . The doctor explained yesterday that the fluid leaking from his leg is protein in the tissues that is getting out the best way it can . It seems that there is so much collected in the tissues and arteries , it tries to find a way out . By the way , the fluid is still leaking out that little place in the lower leg . He is rather uncomfortable , because of the difficulty breathing , and can 't get to sit up the way he would like to . He also has a cough brought on by the congestive heart failure . They are measuring his intake and output of fluid since that is very important data that they need to track . I visited with them for a couple of hours . Imazo had gone home to shower and get refreshed , so was not there when I arrived , but she did get back a little while before I had to leave . I did not want to stay too long because I didn 't want to stay away from Gramps too long . I made us some egg sandwiches when I got home and we had a couple of cookies for dessert . Well , that is about all for now . More when I know more . Love to all of you . I think I may make an early night of it tonight . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for now . Bye till another time . Posted by Hey , Y ' all , Here is the promised picture of Kyah 's quilt , Kyah being the name of Jessie 's baby who is due to be born next week . This kind of quilt is called a " six - hour love quilt " , but believe me , it takes me more than six hours to make one . They are called love quilts because they are made quite often as lap quilts to be given to people in nursing homes and women who go to battered wives safe houses who have babies or small children . They make wonderful lap quilts to keep people warm when they are watching television or sitting for a long time where they might get chilled . I love making them because they are so simple to make and are quilted as you stitch them . As of now , I have no update on my brother . I will be calling Imazo around 10 a . m . I do need to go into Jefferson City today to get my medication precriptions that I called in a couple of days ago , also to get some groceries to replenish what we have been using over the last couple of weeks . It is still very cold outside , and I have yet to eat breakfast . I tried my twenty minute walk this morning but had to give it up after ten minutes because my lower back just wouldn 't let me do it , but I will go back down tomorrow morning and try again . My plans are to go into Knoxville in the early afternoon to visit for a couple of hours and then I will post again after I get home from there . I heard something this morning as I was walking about snow showers tomorrow . ( I listen to the radio as I walk . I unplug it each time I stop walking , then turn it on again when I begin , so the digital time blinks beginning with 12 : 00 and I can keep track of how many minutes I walk ) . Well , on to breakfast and then a shower . Then out into the cold to go to Jeff City . BRRRRRRRRRRRR . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for right now . Love to you all . Bye for now . Posted by Hey , Y ' all , Well , we spent several hours in Knoxville this afternoon . We went to the front entrance of the St . Mary 's Hospital , and discovered that Hugh was still in the emergency room . The problem then was " what to do with Gramps " because he could not walk a long distance , so I kind of acted helpless when talking to the information desk people , and one of them went to get a wheelchair for me to put him into so that we could go to the emergency room which is some distance from the front entrance . Believe me , I am pretty good with the helpless routine , so they were really anxious to help us . ( Besides which , it really was a problem of what to do . I didn 't want to leave him there and it was too far for him to walk ) . So with the wheelchair , we proceeded to the central elevators and went to the LL2 level and I walked some good distance pushing the wheelchair till we got to the emergency room waiting area . I left him in the wheelchair and went over to the desk and got a pass to go back to see Hugh . They had not done a lot with him at that time , although he had been in there for several hours . I know they had checked his vital signs and he was resting comfortably , but had not had anything to eat . It was about 1 p . m . when we got there . Jeff 's wife , Peggy , was with them , and Jeff was having tests at another hospital concerning his vertigo which he has had problems with for some time . Not long after we got there , Mae came in . She had been dropped off by her son , Fred . Mae is our sister - in - law who is the widow of our oldest brother , Bill . She has been in our family ever since I was four years old , and is a dear friend . Imazo was right there by Hugh , of course , and I am sure was very tired , but holding up very well . I visited with them for awhile and then came out , and let Mae go back and visit with them for awhile . Not long after that , Mae , Imazo and I decided to get a sandwich out of one of the machines that they keep in waiting areas . The sandwiches were then heated in a microwave . They weren 't too bad , actually . Just a littlPosted by Hey , Y ' all , Well , they say everybody talks about the weather , but today , we are feeling it . I don 't think our heat / airconditioning unit has stopped running all night , and I checked it during the early night , and saw it was running on auxillary heat . No wonder , because it really got down into the single digits during the night . There was also a beautiful heavy frost on the ground this morning . The heavy frost this morning reminded me of something I was reflecting on the other morning when I went out to get the mail down at the road . Walking on the frosty ground , feeling the crunch under my shoes , made me remember how it was when my brother , John , and I were young people going to school in the winter time . We would walk through the yard to the road ( the very road that Gramps and I live on now ) , on our way to walking to catch the schoolbus . We walked a mile to catch the bus in the mornings ( rain , snow , or sunshine ) , and yes , it was uphill but only in the afternoon when we walked back . If one has never walked on frosty ground , feeling and hearing the crunch of the frost under the feet , they have really missed one of the great pleasures in life . This morning , I began my regimen of walking again . I put on my walking shoes by New Balance that I purchased when Teresa came to visit at Thanksgiving . I went to the basement ( and it was quite cool down there , since there is no heat , but not too bad at all ) and walked for twenty minutes at a constant pace . I walked until my back hurt too bad to continue , but it was a beginning , and I hope to be able to continue it . Also , I ususally go in my stocking feet in the house , but I think I will try wearing my walking shoes and maybe that will help my back to not hurt so much . Yesterday , I finished making a baby quilt for Mark and Allie 's daughter , Jessica 's , baby . Her baby is due to be born next week . I have yet to make a label for the quilt , and am going to do that very soon . I took pictures of the quilt yesterday , and am posting them today . I love making baby quilts , and imagine how swePosted by Hey , Y ' all , My day started at 2 : 30 a . m . when I heard Gramps get out of bed . I thought he was headed into the bathroom , so after a few minutes , I sat up and looked to see if he was still in the bathroom . I called out to him and no answer . I got up and looked in the bathroom and he wasn 't there . I went into the living room and saw the kitchen light was on . I went on in to the kitchen and saw that he had the bottle of milk on the table along with the Cheerios . He was sitting there eating a bowl of cereal . I asked him if he knew what time it was and said , " Who told you it was time for breakfast ? " He just smiled and rubbed his tummy . So I put the milk back into the fridge and said for him to come back to bed when he was through , but there would be no coffee that early in the morning . I continued on to the bathroom and then crawled back into bed and waited for him to return . He did so in few minutes . We finished the morning by sleeping a few more hours . It was just too funny . I never know what he is going to do . I have determined that I actually have a great place to walk and had not really thought about it . My basement will be a great place to walk and it is so handy . Mark has just had it painted a couple of weeks ago , and it is nice and clean . So in the morning , that is what I plan to do . I actually do better walking before breakfast . ON THE Medical front : It is supposed to be in the single digits in cold temperatures outside in the morning . I didn 't want to take Gramps out into that cold . I decided to call my eye surgeon and postpone my appintment . I have called and changed my eye surgery appt . to March . After I called them , Hugh called me to tell me about his appointment on tomorrow . About Hugh : His son , Jeff , stopped by last night at Hugh 's house , and apparently saw that Hugh has a leak on his lower leg near his ankle , and wanted him to see his Nephrologist , Dr , Holmes . It was supposed to be March before he was due to see Dr . Holmes . This morning , Imazo called Dr . Cox ( Cardiologist ) , and asked if they could make an apPosted by Hey , Y ' all , Didja ever think about how people can work outdoors in the coldest weather ? Didja ever drive along and look out your car window , and see guys huddled around a car , looking at its innards , and quite often they would all be in shirt sleeves , looking macho ? Then you would wonder how in the world they could stand being out there in the cold and not be cold ? I have often wondered how they could do that . Anyway , all that being said , my neighbor and his 13 year old son , have been working today in very cold temperatures closing in the back of my carport , thus turning it from a wind tunnel into a warmer place . It was about 19 or so degrees this morning when they began their work . Of course , they are warmly dressed , but in my book , it would be tooooooooo cooooooooooooold for me to even try to work in those temperatures . Isn 't that a beautiful ramp that they built to my back door . My husband has no trouble at all now , getting in and out the back door . We feel truly blest for having it . I don 't know why I hadn 't thought of it before I did . But anyway , we have it now , and are thankful for it . I did manage to get down to the mailbox on the road this morning . I dressed warmly and took the hundred and twenty or so steps down to the box and then back up . My brother went to see his cardiologist today and the dr . increased his lasix from 60 mg once a day to 80 mg . twice a day . He also had an echocardiogram , but won 't get the results from that until next week when he goes back . Hugh had not been out since January 2nd and it was quite difficult for him , but he made it okay . No doubt , he probably had a nap this afternoon . I know I did , but it was in my computer chair . Ha . I will be going to see my eye specialist on Friday ( weather permitting ) and get the right eye zapped with a laser to break up a membrane that developed following the cataract surgery that I had nearly eight years ago . Hopefully , it will improve my eyesight in my right eye . Isn 't it amazing how quickly this year has gotten off to a start ? We are close to miPosted by Hey , Y ' all , Yeah , I know . . . You are probably not fans of American Idol . . . But I love watching the tryouts . All that energy . . . All that enthusiasm . . . All that youthful belief . . . It is wonderful to behold . Yes , I enjoy watching them sing . Some of them are really talented . The yearning is there to succeed . I am sometimes embarrassed for those who do poorly , and yes , ; sometimes I laugh . One cannot help him or herself . Well , today Gramps decided he needed a shower ( thank goodness ) and we got him one . Then I took one whether I needed it or not . Ha . Fortunately , it had not been but a day since I had taken one . Then Mark and Brian ( his son - in - law ) and little Kevin came over . Brian is an architect out in California and was measuring our basement in preparation for drawing up plans for finishing up the basement and putting in a bathroom , bedroom and family room down there . I had a lot of fun playing with Kevin , feeding him animal cookies , talking to him , and letting him watch cartoons . He is a delightful little boy , and so very smart . Gramps was up very early this morning , having slept most of the day yesterday , and so by 8 p . m . he was back in bed . I 've worked a good part of today on Jessie 's baby quilt . I hope to get it mostly finished tomorrow . She is due to deliver this next week . Well , I need to stop for now . Time for rest this evening . More tomorrow . May each of you feel God 's love and peace in your hearts . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for today . Bye for now . Hey , Y ' all , As promised , here are some more of the wedding pictures . I will identify as soon as I can post this and then edit it . Top left is : Immediate wedding party during ceremony . Top right is complete family of bride Next one is Jennifer and Tanya ( bridesmaid and Matron of honor ) Next left is of the 4 sisters : Tanya , Rachael , Sarah , JessicaNext right is : Mother of Groom ( Drama ) , Father of Groom ( Lucky ) and best man with groomsman ( I don 't know names ) ; Next pic is of Sarah , Jon B . ( singer in ceremony ) , Allie , and JessicaLast pic is of the flower girl ( Cassidy , daughter of groom ) ; ring bearer ( Connor , son of groom ) Well , folks that is all the pictures I am going to post of the wedding . I hope you enjoy looking at them . If you wish to see the pictures a normal large size , just click on the picture with left click and you will be able to actually see the faces and other details . Then click on blue arrow at top of browser ( left blue arrow ) and it will take you back to the blog . Gramps stayed in bed yesterday until about 4 : 30 in the afternoon . I finally got him up and made breakfast for our supper ( biscuits , eggs , ham , coffee ) . Then he went to bed at 8 : 30 , so consequently , he was up at 6 : 30 this morning . I reckon he finally got enough rest for awhile . I am working on Jessica 's baby quilt in between uploading pictures for the blog . I am finally through with the uploading of pictures ( praise God ! ) and will go back to the quilt when I am finished posting . We had a heavy , heavy frost last night that looked like a baby snow . We are supposed to have snow showers today . I did get my laundry almost finished yesterday . Yesterday was one of those " in my nightgown and housecoat all day " days . It has begun the same way this morning , but I reckon I will shower and dress a little later today . ( If I think it 's worth it ) . Do you ever have one of those days when you just feel ( it ain 't worth doing nuthin ' ? ) ? It seems that when I know I won 't be going out it just isn 't worth getting dressed . Well , I reckon I will close this one out for the Posted by Hey , Y ' all , It was a beautiful wedding . . . here are some pictures to illustrate that fact . I was so pleased to be given the place of honor of " grandmother " for Rachael in the wedding party . I have been rather filling that place in their lives since about fourteen years ago , when I became their " Aunt Ruby " . When they moved to New Market , and we discovered that Mark and my son - in - law , Daryl , are first cousins , we became " family " and I consider Allie as a daughter , and she calls me her " Mom " . Her mother and Mark 's mother have passed on , and so I am probably the closest thing their children have as a grandmother . Hence , I was escorted in and seated , then Allie was escorted in and seated next to me , just before the wedding attendants came in . It was so sweet , and I appreciated it so very much . Their family means so very much to Gramps and me . Well , I have posted all the pictures that the site will do right now . Maybe I can do some more tomorrow morning . My brother , Hugh , has a doctor 's appointment on Wednesday , but I don 't know which doctor yet , since he has three that he sees regularly . Identification of the persons in the pictures : ALSO FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DO NOT KNOW , YOU CAN LEFT CLICK ON PICTURES TO SEE THEM BIGGER , THEN LEFT CLICK ON LEFT ARROW AT TOP OF BROWSER , IT WILL TAKE YOU BACK TO THE BLOG . top left : Mark and Rachael going toward groom , top right : Bride and groom after ceremonycenter : Mark and Allie ( parents of the bride ) lower left : Mark and melower right : Rachaels two uncles and Mark . ( Uncle Phil , Uncle James ) As I said earlier , I have many more pictures but am having a little problem with some of them uploading . Will try more later . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for the present . I am working on a baby quilt for Jessie 's baby due this month . More later . Love to you all . Bye for now . Hey , Y ' all , Had a pretty good night 's sleep ( well , as good as one can expect , I guess ) , and I thank God for it . I may have to take a nap today , though . I don 't really feel fully awake , but it will be okay for now . If I want to upload pictures to my blog , early morning is best . Weather is going to be cold this week , down into the teens at night . I have an appointment to have my right eye zapped with a laser on Friday and I hear it is going to be really cold that morning . The weather man is predicting snow showers tomorrow and Thursday . I reckon it is going to do whatever it is going to do . I also reckon I won 't be going out anywhere until Friday morning . I have laundry to finish today , and the vegetable beef soup we had last night was really good . I have enough left over for later in the week . We have enough food stocked back so that I won 't have to go out for groceries all week anyway . Here are a couple of more rehearsal pictures . The top one is Tanya and Brian 's youngest child , Adam , who is only a little more than a year old . Tanya is Allie 's oldest daughter and sister of the bride , Rachael . The lower one is the daughter of Bob and Julie , who are youth minister and wife . Bob conducted the wedding ceremony . Unfortunately , I can 't remember the baby 's name . Aren 't they adorable ? The wedding was held in our church , New Market Baptist . Well , it is time for my breakfast , and who knows , I may go back to bed later this morning , or maybe I won 't . Right now , I just don 't know . However , I will be back later this morning and post some wedding pictures . I have a bunch of them and the difficult thing will be deciding which to put on my post . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for now . More later . Love to you all . Bye for now . Hey , Y ' all , As promised here are some pics of the rehearsal on Friday evening and the rehearsal dinner which followed . Tomorrow , I 'll try to post some of the wedding pictures . I had a wonderful time at both events , and am glad I didn 't have to miss either . I will have to post the rest of the rehearsal pics tomorrow because the internet is so busy now they will not upload . Supper tonight ( Sunday evening ) is vegetable beef soup , which has been making all afternoon . I have been working this afternoon on a baby quilt for Jessie , who is expecting her baby girl to be born in January . Pictures today are : ( top ) bride and groom ( Rachael and Jason ) at rehearsal dinner buffet , ( 2 ) tables set for dinner ( 3 ) Jason waiting for bride at front of church ( 4 ) Mark walking with Rachael to front . I had a really nice time chatting with Teresa online today . That is such a pleasure for me . I really miss close contact with my daughters and families when it is not happening . Gramps did very well last evening while I was gone . I just had to trust that he would be fine . He was munching on a left over cornbread muffin when I came in and happy as a lark . I am sure part of the reason he was happy was to see me at home . Well , it is time for us to eat supper , so I will leave this for now . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for the day . Love to all of you , my dear readers . Bye for now . More tomorrow . Blogs are so much fun ! If you enjoy a blog entry , and would like to leave a comment , notice that at the bottom of each blog entry is are the words , " 0 comments " or " 2 comments " , reflecting how many comments people have made . Sometimes people comment on the entry , sometimes they even comment on each other 's comments ! Some polite rules for comments are no unkind words , say nice or humorous things or refrain from commenting , no profanity ( which I wouldn 't expect out of my friends , anyway ! ) , and don 't use other people 's last names , because some folks don 't like their names made public . To comment , just click on the " 0 comments " line , and it will take you to a place to comment . Write your comment in the space they provide . Then you have to " log in " . If you don 't have a google account , just click on the link to getting an account . It 's free . . . . will not cost you anything at all . After you write your comment and sign in , say , " Publish your comment " , and you 've blogged ! Enjoy ! |
What does a months - long parade of attractive British men have to do with fiction , you might well ask ? These gentlemen have inspired some lovely scenes , part of the life I live in my head . Over time , some of these scenes reach out to one another and begin to form a story . For the present , each one of these pictures provides a writing prompt for me , a way to keep me writing with a sense of passion and narrative , even when the stories are not yet fully formed . I 've been away from the blog for almost 2 months now which is a shame because it seems like I don 't read my friends blogs unless I 'm keeping up my end of things . I 've been really busy prepping for a show at Diversionary Theatre here in San Diego , " As Much As You Can , " for which I am designing the set . I created the image you see above ( well , actually I adapted it , but you 'd never recognize the original ) as a possible set piece - - it sort of sums up the complexity of a family - - a family tree with so many twists and branches that the birds who nest there look as though they can 't find one another . I 'm neither disappointed nor relieved that this image will not be appearing on the stage - - no , I take that back ; I was relieved when the director had a clear enough vision of the play to ask me what we were asking the audience to believe this piece was . Was it a painting , or a tree ? What did it have to do with the sort of iconic family / life vignettes we had created otherwise ? We decided we didn 't want to go there . But we both have seen the image of the tree now , if you know what I mean . We shared it , so it wasn 't wasted . There seem to be three legs to my milking stool of a life , and I can almost always keep my balance if I have two of them . They are : Designing ( with a heavy dose of collaboration ) , Walking my solitary urban hiking trails that I 've devised to keep my sanity , and Producing written language worthy of even one reader . I love doing all of these without passing through the conventional tollbooths of job interviews , walking buddies , and editors . The three of them made small talk about Ricky Ford 's latest movie , and Dave recalled specific examples of stupid directors and producers with the undisguised contempt that a person can have for unpleasant things when he has escaped daily contact with them . But the nice thing about Dave Bridges was that nobody around him had to say anything at all . Not long after Evelyn slid off the couch , the only sounds in the living room were the snips of Dave 's scissors working , the fire crackling , and Ricky Ford occasionally clearing his throat . Dave had pulled one of the chairs away from the dining room table for him to sit in so that he faced a glass wall looking out over a rolling field of orange proteas . One of the long gray strands Dave cut from Ricky Ford 's head floated near Evelyn and she caught it in her hand . It made her a little sad , because this haircut meant the character would probably be laid to rest . She tried to read his thoughts from his expression , and she guessed that he wasn 't all that happy either , maybe because he knew with the hair gone he 'd never have another chance to get it right . Dave trimmed the back so it was just long enough to cover the back of his neck and wouldn 't have to be shaved , the way he always wore his hair when he wasn 't doing a film , the way Evelyn liked it . She stretched out on the carpet near Ricky Ford 's feet , looking up at his tired face . He was not looking at her , but he was colored by the orange reflection of the flowers outside . The professor had stood over her after the first time he knocked her to the floor , but he had not looked down at her either . She remembered his drawn face , above her and looking away , colored by an extraordinary sunset , monochromatic light coming through the loft 's paned windows on every side of her . Was it really that beautiful , she thought , or am I remembering the movie ? She had wanted to stand and watch the sun , but when she tried to get up , his fist came down on her head hard enough for her to see two images of him , and she tried toJane is a photo by Michele GuieuEvelyn met Ricky Ford Alton four years ago on the set of the movie that was being made from her first novel , the one that she had based more or less on her own life . He was cast as the English professor who beat her viciously at his loft in downtown L . A . She was twenty when the real incident occurred . As she wrote about it in the novel and in the subsequent screen play , the professor , having hit a dry spell in his own writing career , beat the living shit out of her in a fit of envy because the art came to her so effortlessly and was flowing through her , as though to drown him in his parched river bed of silence , like a flash flood through a canyon . The scene was difficult for her to watch during the filming because she had made it too real , his rage and brutality that had almost killed her , the fact that he left her lying in her own blood on the floor of the loft in no light but that of a strange vermilion dusk , and that she lay there sobbing all night for someone she called Bobby to please come and help her until the professor had the good manners to come back the next morning and call an ambulance for her . In the novel and screenplay , Bobby was the ghost of an older brother that had died , but she confessed on the set that she was an only child , she had made him up . That night , as they were leaving the studio , Ricky Ford was walking beside her . " So who was the real Bobby , then ? " he asked . She forced a knowing smile and kept walking . She wanted to pass it off as some sort of private joke , to push him aside like a gate in her path , but he wouldn 't let her . " I 'm serious , it would help me to know , " he said . " He was an imaginary friend , " she said and tittered in that superior tone he would come to recognize as the sign that he had found some great subcutaneous truth . She wanted to walk off alone , but she made the mistake off looking back at his face . He was mouthing the word " don 't " , she thought , although she couldn 't hear him . " Don 't what ? " she said , spitting both the t 's . " Don 't go tPosted by There was a copy of Atlantic in the first class compartment of the plane , so just for the hell of it , Evelyn flipped to her poem . She was slightly embasrrased , but she had to laugh at the thought of Ricky Ford Alton reading it on location on the high seas , unable or unwilling to call her and learn its real meaning , this high school poem of hers about faithlessness and infidelity . He must have been mortified when the crew got hold of it . She was surprised that Atlantic had wanted to use it , but they called her agent asking for something , and she didn 't have anything else to offer them . She sent it in almost as a joke . LAMENT OF THE WIFE / GIRL WHEN THE HUSBAND IS SINGING ON THE ROADIs it all right for me to doubt his faithfulness ? How long can the man of my dreams go on without me ? I wonder , what did Penelope think ? No , my Ulysses is not at sea ( a sea of people maybe , Yes , I know what I 'm talking about , the women who wait beside the stage , The ones who wait behind the amplifiers ? I 'll tell you a secret : They have no ears . In my dreams , I whisper in their faces " It 's okay : he 's not saying anything anyway . " ) - - So why don 't I meet you , babe , in a hotel room , I 'll fly there , fly you once around the room , and then I 'll fly home . I 'll be both your wife and the girl with the band , ( which makes the wife part really unnecessary , doesn 't it ? ) But I 'll still have my ears , So remember my name . To her , the poem had " adolescent girl " written all over every line , and she wondered why her agent and the editors hadn 't seen right through it . Evelyn closed the magazine and stuffed it deep into the seat - back pocket in front of her . She had lost interest in reading what other people had to say since her own voice had become so fragile and intangible . Her present state of mind afforded her little more than sentence fragments . She could easily blame it all on her mother 's dying , but her uneasiness had been around much longer than these three weeks . For almost a year , she 'd begun each day with a vague sense of anxiety , Posted by I posted this short story about a year ago on my blog at MySpace . It isn 't there anymore . Recently , I 've been reading fiction written by my friend that derives its rich characterizations from her brilliant dialogues . One of her stories in particular inspired me to bring this one back out of the " done " pile - - I 'd like for her to read it . So , here you go . THE MAN WHO MAKES HER SAY THINGSPart 1 The only thing she 'd written in the last five weeks , Evelyn observed , was this obituary next to her mother 's printed face . Sixteen days ago , she wrote it using a ballpoint pen on a legal pad offered to her by the matron of the Funeral Notices desk . Two weeks ago , they printed it , and today a copy of the hometown paper arrived in the mail . The phone rang , and she dropped the newspaper on the kitchen counter . There was a long silence after she answered , but his voice finally pushed through the static , " Hey , Ev , so what does this mean ? " She recognized the familiar lag from the satellite that was connecting them . " What does what mean ? " She stared out the kitchen window across the Pacific Ocean as though it were just a fence between their backyards . " This scary poem by Evelyn Johnson in this month 's Atlantic . Is there something you want to tell me ? " Sometimes his voice could be too sharp , too rich , too obviously that of an actor . " The whole crew has been on pins and needles since we found it . " " Oh , that . Pins and needles , eh ? You 've all got too much beach sand up your asses . I wrote that poem when I was eighteen . I thought it was okay , this once , to cheat a little … " " A little poem from the early years , huh ? " " Shut up a minute . I was about to say … you realize , of course , we 're not telling anyone I wrote it when I was eighteen , " she said . " No one needs to know that I 'm that desperate for material . " She knew he was laughing under his breath now , because he loved it so much when she sounded a little jaded . " Really , though , how are you ? " he asked , dropping the cheesy actor voice . He hadPosted by Growing up in America , we learned to expect something like this : But in the past few weeks , it has dawned on us that we are really getting this : Middle - aged middle - class Americans are getting a severe history lesson , a first hand encounter with the kind of class rage that caused 18th century France to erupt in a purging violence that necessitated the invention of the guillotine . I was once challenged by a friend , if I did not believe in a personal god , heaven , hell or the authority of the Bible , then what was the ultimate source of moral balance - for example , who punishes evil , greedy , self - centered people with no respect for the rights or needs of any of the rest of us ? Good question , especially when the consequences of their actions , intended or otherwise , create havoc beyond our control . Where can I file an appeal ? In my religion , which has no name and has one , maybe two devout members , those evil , greedy people will create their own hell right here in the midst of our everyday lives . Something , perhaps insignificant to the rest of us , will destroy them . It will be something particularly petty - say , the painters don 't get the shade of green just right and ruin the exterior of their 12 , 000 square foot home - that will break their pitiless spirit and create their pain . I have to believe that . I got lunch at a Chinese fast food place - I ate in . I saved room for the fortune cookie after the entrée . When I burst open the cellophane the cookie fell to the floor , broke into pieces . This is the fortune from that fortune cookie : I wish I had a fortune cookie I could still eat , I thought . I trashed the flotsam and jetsam of my lunch and went to the loo . When I came out , I saw that the counter nearest the front window was unoccupied and perfectly clean save one intact cellophane - wrapped fortune cookie . I took it , opened it and ate it on the way to my car . The fortune in the second , edible cookie was this : Part 12For a week or so after Frank died , I had one dream over and over again . I would be in a house with immaculate white walls and miles and miles of thick blue carpet . There was furniture , but I could never remember what it looked like . I was wandering this very large house looking for something , I don 't know what , but I knew that if I was to find it , it would have to be inside one of these rooms because outside of every window was the densest green jungle I had ever seen . I woke up one morning after the dream , and something finally occurred to me . It struck me that , in his whole life , Frank had never seen the ocean . Emily was almost eight , and she had never seen one either . The following month , as soon as Emily 's school let out , we went to Baraterre . Touring around the island the day we arrived , I showed her the sites that represented the beginning of my life . Fat Billy 's was now run by a small Vietnamese woman , and the sight of her made me miss Fat Billy , even though I had never once met him since the age of eleven months . He was a part of that other time that should have just been history to me , but I was always confusing history with memory . I hired a boat to take us to Church Cay for the day . As Emily and I scrambled up the bluff to the plateau , I watched the boatman reclining with a cigarette in his boat , watching us . " Your father built the shill church , heh ? " he had asked me , amused . I wondered if he felt enough ridicule to try to scare us by leaving us stranded . I supposed that my mother had wondered that every day she was here , and she might have sometimes felt the same derision toward my father . The church was just as I had pictured it at the high end of the island . All its paint had worn off or had been bleached away in the sun , and its bare wood was as gray and tufted as the fur of an animal . It felt like a doll house . Emily tugged on the iron handle of the front door , and the whole structure shook . She pouted and then turned her back on it , running off to explore the ruins of the older housPosted by Part 11 A nurse brought restraints while another injected him with a sedative , and I pleaded with them to let him shout as much as he wanted , but they told me there was no use . They said that reliving some childhood incident was a sure sign that a person 's brain was dying . Frank was calm after that except for a couple of times that he murmured meaningless phrases . When I felt sure that there would not be another outburst , I decided that it was time for Emily to say good - bye to her father . On that day , I brushed his hair and shaved him . I uncurled his fists myself and laid his hands on top of the covers . His hands were so thin that his wedding ring slipped easily over his knuckle , and I removed it so it wouldn 't get lost in the sheets . Outside his door , I decided to tell Emily that he might say things or move suddenly and she should not be scared of him , or that he might not show that he knew she was there at all . But she needed to tell him that she loved him , I explained , because he should hear it from her before he died . Then I told her , say anything you want to him , Sweetheart , because he just wants to know you 'll remember him . I found a stool for her to stand on , and when she did , she leaned over Frank 's face and said matter - of - factly and rather loudly , " I love you , Daddy - I love you . " After that she rubbed noses with him and kissed him on the mouth , and then she sat down on the stool and took his hand . She sat like that , telling him what her days had been like recently and about her pals from next door . When she ran out of stories about her playmates , she laid her cheek on his hand and sat without making a sound until it was time for us to go home . Frank died one morning before I got to his room . I asked for a few minutes alone with him , and the nurse sympathetically obliged me . When she left the room , I felt behind Frank 's neck for the ties of his hospital gown and then pulled it down so I could touch his bare shoulders and chest . Frank had the most beautiful shoulders , and they were always soPosted by I am a steam punk . I like things that are big and loud and , where appropriate , Victorian . I have paid good money to get into tractor pulls , and when I didn 't have the money , I watched through chinks in the wall . In the days before airports were warzones , I 'd stand in the bed of my pickup truck at the business end of Lindbergh Field and imagine I could stroke the bellies of ascending planes . I like machines that are clumsy and elegant at the same time . Hulking behemoths as delicate as a Swiss watch . Metal and oily exhaust . Bellicose , quarrelsome , cantankerous , and precise . As I drove home from work yesterday , almost to my exit , I saw a train stopped on the tracks paralleling the freeway . This isn 't unusual since my neighborhood has a lay - by for passing trains . But there were people and police cars hanging around the locomotive , and at first glance I was afraid there had been a horrible accident . There was something weird about the engine , smoke curling away from the top - my god , it was a steam engine . Not only that ( by now I was off the freeway , heading for the frontage road ) it was a steam engine pulling a train of 22 vintage Pullman passenger cars . Apparently a group of private railcar owners was having its annual gathering in LA . They chartered an antique steam engine to take them daytripping from Union Station to San Diego , and the Pullmans were parking in our siding for the day . The locomotive was soon detached from the train and before I could get parked and down to the siding , it motored off South to an Amtrak station to be picked up by a diesel engine that would take it back north of its own passenger cars in the lay - by . That was the beginning of its four hour odyssey to and from a turntable , prepping it for its return trip to LA . I summoned my husband and kids at about the first half - hour mark , and the wait for the steam engine to return was excruciating . I really thought nothing could be worth the effort it was taking to stave off fatal boredom . I worried what the kids would think when it was all ovePosted by Part 10When Emily was seven , Frank had a massive brain hemorrhage . By that time , Grandfather had passed away , and we were living in his old house down the road from Frank 's parents . But on this evening , Emily and I were fixing dinner with Frank 's mom in her kitchen when the men came in for the day . Frank said that he had a bad headache and wanted to lie down upstairs in his old room . At dinner time , I looked for Emily to send her upstairs to get her daddy , but she had run outside to play with a neighbor 's child . I found Frank lying strangely unconscious , clearly not just asleep , curled up on his side . He had vomited on the pillow next to him . He lay in a coma in the hospital for five weeks . Some days I would find him in the fetal position , his fists clinched like paws and drawn up to his neck , but when the nurses came in to change his bedclothes , they would always help him onto his back and lay his arms beside him so that he looked like he was sleeping . On the seventh day after the hemorrhage , he sprang into violent activity while I was sitting next to his bed . His eyes opened wide , his brown irises razor - thin like a madman 's . He screamed and sobbed as though he were being tortured , or worse , utterly forsaken . He cried out just one word that I could understand , " Mama ! Mama ! " deepening my horror that he could not perceive anything now but total abandonment . to be continued Part 9We never talked about God , and I was almost sure that Frank was an atheist , even after he told me his grandfather was a priest . If he had ever asked me , I would have told him without hesitating that even if God existed , I would reject Him . But now I don 't think Frank would have agreed with me . He held peacefully onto a belief he never spoke of . I could always tell by the way he moved when he was physically tired from farming that he counted on his strength to come from something beyond his body . I began to imagine what he felt when the fields were waist - high with wheat and my own body was exhausted from the last months of pregnancy . The summer winds made depressions in the bronze grass like giant , restless lovers rolling on a bed of satin sheets . If this invisible force were the hand of God , I thought , running its fingers with so much love through the hair of its only child , I would let it caress my entire being . My baby Emily reminded me so much of my brother Jeff that I missed him more than ever . She took in the whole prairie with her eyes the way Jeff had as a baby in my eight - year - old arms . She let herself see things that adults don 't believe they can see , believing instead that the thing before them is just too big to be comprehended , so they stop looking . She noticed every bit of movement and pointed at every piece of machinery in the fields , identifying them all as he daddy . Watching her , I imagined myself in my mother 's arms on Baraterre experiencing the ocean . I thought sometimes that I could remember the blue of the ocean even though I knew that was impossible . In that false memory , the prairie must have been my ocean , the golden color of the waves recorded for some reason in its negative , blue . to be continued Part 8 We were married by his widowed grandfather , a retired Episcopal priest , at what had once been his little church in the middle of the vast prairies of North Dakota . We risked a lot traveling that distance to be married at the end of February , given what the weather could have done , but we didn 't want to wait until spring . Frank was particularly concerned that we marry before I started showing , although by the time we got there , his whole family knew that I was pregnant and didn 't seem to mind . I think Frank was worried that I would be embarrassed later by our wedding pictures if I was visibly with child . Frank was like that , the kind of man who would anticipate how other people might hurt themselves , no matter how slightly , and then do everything in his power to save them . My mother rode with us to North Dakota on the bench seat of Frank 's pickup truck . We gathered in the church on a Thursday morning , the two of us , my mother , Frank 's mother and father , and his little brother . Outside the sky was clear and aquamarine as ribbons of cream - colored light and ochre shadows snaked through the fields of waving winter grasses on a mild breeze , but in his parents ' car on the way to the church , the radio had said it was nine below zero . " Her hands are like ice ! " Frank said as our families stepped to each side , leaving us standing alone before Grandfather 's open book of prayer . He rubbed my hands quickly but gently , and I thought of the glasses he 'd washed and dried a hundred times each at the bar and had never broken one . The hand rubbing warmed my whole body , and I felt like I was floating in warm water while my mother 's lace wedding dress began to lose its starch and swirl around me . Frank put his hand firmly on the back of my arm , thinking , he told me later , that I 'd looked like I was going to faint . In a couple of days , we sent my mother home on the bus , but Frank and I had decided by then to stay . I wanted to have our baby there with his family , and there was plenty for him to do to help hiPosted by Part 7 At first I couldn 't understand why Frank would have his eye on me with someone like Dee around , but little by little I observed that men did not look at Dee the way I would have expected them to . She had something wrong with her back that caused her to limp . It didn 't seem to cause her much pain , but I could tell that she had altered all of her clothing to help hide the fact that one hip was a little higher than the other . In spite of her classically beautiful face and perfect hair , she must have looked like damaged goods to the men who came in the bar . I asked Frank once , didn 't he think Dee was beautiful , and he said he didn 't know . He said she was a good waitress , but it just hurt to look at her . As for me , I tried not to think about the attention I got from the bar customers . The roadhouse had regulars , men and women , but it was so far from town that the majority of the patrons were one - timers , mostly men , truckers and such on their way to somewhere . If I wanted good tips I had to talk nice to them and dress in a manner that would give them a little hope , but hope was all they got . If Frank saw a customer looking at any part of me except my face , the white towel would get cranked down harder and faster into the glasses , and he would tell me to be careful . Under Frank 's watch , Dee and I never had much trouble . After closing and before he did the books each night , Frank would make sure that we got to our cars safely on our way home , in our opposite directions . Soon after that started , I started staying until Frank finished up , and soon after that , I started following him home in my car , but this time he knew I was driving right behind him . He invited me there . I walked in his bedroom . I saw my reflection on the inside of the window as my old self hiding outside , waiting to watch us make love for the first time , and I made Frank pull down the shades . Posted by Part 6 When I got older , on the other hand , I went to work after school hours in a roadhouse bar . I was sixteen , and I would never let my parents forget that I was born in a room over a bar . I came home late from the roadhouse smelling like smoke and beer , and no matter how quiet I was , my mother said that I always woke up the whole house with that smell . Nobody liked it , but I couldn 't help myself . I couldn 't sit in that house at night and listen to my father write his sermons . The bar belonged to a twenty - seven - year - old guy named Frank , and Frank tended the bar . I knew from the first night I worked there that Frank had a passion for me . The first week I was there , he let me catch him making out his grocery list one night . The last item on the list was " grip . " I asked him what a grip was , and he said a grip was just one more thing he needed to get because he had lost his . His hands were always moving and his knuckles were always cracked and red from washing glasses . I fell in love watching him dry glasses one night , three fingers twisting a white towel into the bottom of each glass . After work , I pretended to go home , but I went to his house and waited in the dark outside for him to come home from closing up . When he went inside and turned on the lights , I could guess where the bedroom was in the one - story house , and I waited outside the window to see him undress . I had never seen a naked man before , and I knew I loved him , so I thought it would be beautiful . But I remember now how I felt once he was naked as I stood and watched him walking around the room . His body was fine , but seeing him like that wasn 't beautiful , it was awful . I was so ashamed of myself , I had to hold myself with my arms to stop from shaking . As I tried to calm down , I just stood there and concentrated on his white shoulders , thinking I wasn 't so bad if I only looked at him from the waist up . Each muscle cast a faint shadow from the overhead light , and his chest was covered in light swirls of black hair that became so dense overPosted by Part 4 After I was born , my father decided it was time to become a minister , and my parents waited in Baraterre for their first assignment from the Methodist Conference back home . It was a full eleven months before they were placed . Because my parents had come to the Exumas on their own , there was no income from the church , only what was left of their savings . They continued to rent the one - room flat over Fat Billy 's Ball ' n ' Chain , and that alone is testament to their poverty , because my parents were teetotalers . We survived , ironically , through the grace of Billy , who passed on to us the condiments from the bar each night - a lot of nuts and citrus - and once a week , his brother would just happen to have caught a few extra fish , and the windfall became ours . My mother was never able to tell the story of our Christmas there without crying . Billy brought her a chicken , a precious commodity on Baraterre , on Christmas Eve , saying that his brother had accidentally run over it with his truck . When my mother showed skepticism about the wrapped carcass , Billy assured her that it was freshly dead and that the only trauma it had endured was from the wheel of the truck . My mother thanked him and took it , only realizing after he was gone and she unwrapped it that the headless chicken was otherwise whole . It could not have been hit by a truck and still be so deliciously intact , she knew . It must have been picked out and slaughtered especially for us . When his assignment arrived , my father thought he was being sent to Colorado to minister to an Indian reservation , and that thrilled him . But since he couldn 't get his hands on any kind of map of the U . S . in Baraterre that was less than forty years old , he couldn 't be sure . There were no Indian reservations in eastern Colorado , though , just little towns like First View and Wild Horse that , if they were going to keep their faith alive in those days , depended on a Methodist circuit rider to drive from church to church preaching all day on Sundays . He should have been haPosted by Part 3 My parents shortly learned , while they mulled over their unusual situation from the relative civility of Baraterre , that the church , on its grand bluff , had been visible from half a dozen islands grouped in a curl away from the main archipelago . A hundred years ago , the Christianized inhabitants of those outer cays came to the church for their weddings , their baptisms , to bury their dead in its well - tended cemetery . But when the last missionary died , no one was sent to replace him . So for the ensuing generations , the outer islanders returned to the practice of burying their dead at sea . No one set foot in the church from that time on , but the sight of it across the water gave the disparate islanders a kinship , a common knowledge of something beyond their immediate existence . My father was not a stupid man , but he was such an innocent one . He could not have failed to see from the geography of the islands and the gaping mouth of the trench just below where he stood that the cay was slowly pulling out from under him as it had pulled out from under the church . But my father would not be deterred from his mission . He did not know what the first church had looked like , nor could he tell much from the wreckage that lay at the bottom of the cliff . It had been down there so long that most of it had floated out to sea as driftwood , and what would not float had become a part of the bottom of the trench . There was no trace left of even a foundation , if one had ever existed . So my father brought long boards and white paint on an armada of small boats from Baraterre to the island he christened Church Cay . The locals , some loving an eccentric , some fearing a zealot , helped him carry the rough goods and the hand tools to the top of the cliff , but none volunteered nor were they asked to stay and help him . He and my mother cleared out one of the homes to be their base camp , and it was my mother 's responsibility to catch and clean something each day to supplement the canned goods they had brought with them , but she returnePosted by Part 2 Just after their marriage , my mother and father went in search of a nameless cay in the Exuma archipelago where , they had heard , a few people lived who were badly in need of a sense of community , a connection to the Lord . At that time , and still today , none of the islands northwest of Great Exuma had a name except Baraterre which might as well be a part of Great Exuma it is so close . But the cays beyond it are spread out across the Atlantic like the bones of a great dissected spine and are not considered to be inhabited , but only because no one takes the time to see if they are . Descendants of the ' Indians ' who lived throughout the Caribbean before the European migration swept most of them up as slaves or killed them with Old World diseases are still living in the Exumas , in some cases only one or two families to a cay , living their lives much as their ancestors did with the exception of two things . One is that the children are all gone . They have commuted to the present , transported off to the main island schools for a better education , and they have not come back home . The other is that those who stayed behind were all converted to Christianity . My father learned of this forgotten flock with their church crumbling into the surf from an obscure reference in National Geographic . He used the magazine as his atlas in seminary as he planned his life as a missionary , but unlike some of his classmates , he was not evangelical ; he did not advocate proselytizing Christianity to other religions . So the idea of rebuilding the church on the cay was irresistible to him , serving a gathering of ready saved souls that needed a pulpit placed before it . He convinced my mother , a junior Bible college graduate , to marry him and join him on his crusade . What they found when they got there was an island that had been abandoned long before the church had shrugged its shoulders and collapsed into the sea . The tiny cay was shaped like a melted slice of cheesecake , the graham cracker crust being a magnificent broad cliff a hunJane is a Some men who came into Baraterre today tell me that the little church my father built decades ago has fallen off the edge of Church Cay into the sea . A church that had been there before it , built in the eighteenth century , did the same thing a long time ago . The news has started me thinking . We want so desperately to believe that our lives are uplifted lines , like pistons below our feet that we fight to balance on as we are sent soaring , always higher , out of the crude depths of our origins . But they aren 't . Each life is a spiral , a series of concentric revolutions that brings us within arm 's lengths of our past , again and again . This is the story of my spiraling life , and I 'll try to be brief . Maybe you can make something out of it . My story , that is , up to this point . I was born on an island in the Exuma chain in the Caribbean . My parents were white missionaries , southerners . I was born about as close to godlessness as I possibly could be , under the circumstances , above a bar in Baraterre called Fat Billy 's Ball ' n ' Chain . My mother was living there above the bar in a rented room , but my father was on another island by himself building a church with no windows , no doors , and no prospect of a congregation . In other words , a house of God that not even God would set foot in , if he could find a way inside . I had coffee with my friend Michele this morning . Neither of us grew up here in Southern California , but both of us feel that we are supposed to be here . I think we were talking about clothes when Michele said , " It 's always summer here . " It is , and , you know , it isn 't . You have to really look , but you start to be able to discern the seasons here in ways mostly having to do with the angle of sunlight at noon . I find myself thinking , " In a month it will be twilight at this time of day , not mid - afternoon , " and " Where did the middle of July go ? " I told her a little about some stuff that 's going on at work , and then I came home and got reflective . My summers used to be defined by design deadlines , my busiest season , preparing to roll out new sets for tours each fall . I had to be super productive . In my own parallel universe , I had both of my babies in summer . Summer is what kids anticipate nine months out of the year . What I have loved about summers , a visual list - - the outer banks of North Carolina Islay in Scotlandthinking about getting a dognot gaining weight reading slutty books or Nancy Drewnot reading Joyceriding around with my uncle who knows all the good stories getting the filter removed from my vena cavathe tour de Francereading about the festivals in NME in the aisles of Bordersdesigning sets for operas . Disclaimer to photograph : We Are Scientists did not lip synch , and the audience was not composed of dogs . I went to the Casbah to see We Are Scientists last night . I 'd seen them in 2006 at the House of Blues ( which seems ridiculously large to me now ) . I much prefer a sold - out crowd in a small venue like the Casbah ; that is , if I have tickets . Anyway , I have an aquaintance in the band that opened for them , The Blood Arm . So I really went to see them , and they were smashing . I went in believing that I only liked We Are Scientists , but I left the Casbah knowing I loved them . I don 't take video at shows , and even if I did , it wouldn 't be very good . So I 'm putting in this link to something more polished . The dog is gorgeous , and it 's a great song , too . http : / / new . music . yahoo . com / videos / - - 60402120 Part 6 I slept for the remaining two hours that Diedre guided us in climate - controlled comfort through the countryside . We arrived at the first antique store , all a little groggy from the long car ride . My mother paused outside the car in the overbearing heat to powder her face with her little compact , while the humidity was already varnishing my hair to the sides of my face . But we returned to air conditioning as soon as we filed into the front of the store . Just inside the door , an item caught my eye , a heavy dark oak chair with a severe , straight back and thick arms . I touched it tenderly , like it was familiar to me , imagining it embellished with leather straps stained with years of nervous sweat , copper plates smeared with handprints , hand - tightened nuts and bolts . Aunt Cookie saw me and said , " I thought you 'd like that . It 's a lot like that Mission style of furniture you saw so much of out in California , isn 't it ? " I just smiled at her and nodded . She had no idea what she was talking about and even less what I was thinking . I sat down in the chair and felt the leather straps tightening in swift jerks across my chest . In my own way , I 'd killed a couple of people , too , avoiding eye contact with anyone who might have the smell of gas on his hands , or wear the scent of cheap musk cologne or the scent of my past . I thought of poor Sid , how for years until today I remembered him as nothing more than the stupidest kid in school , and how liberating it was to admit that by doing so , I had sort of helped the world to kill him . Back in high school , we were already examining the moist , hanging bits of bruised flesh of other people , trying to find someone else 's deformity , hopefully worse than our own . Now Sid 's bones would be scraped clean , and he could simply be no one . A condemned man , once he is past his fear , most know that good feeling . I saw my aunt in the back of the store , talking to the owner , pointing my way and laughing . I heard her tell him about me in the chair , " Look , Wendell , I do believePosted by Part 5When I woke up I was already walking inside of an old institutional building , a hall of doorways with transoms evenly spaced on both sides , and Diedre was at my side , pushing me along from the back of my arm . We were in a hallway adjacent to Death Row in the state penitentiary . I was surprised that no one was there to stop us , but Diedre 's momentum kept us moving right into one of the rooms . It was like a classroom in the oldest building at my high school , dirty green walls with darkly over - stained wood trim around everything from the dusty hardwood floors to the high water - stained ceiling . All that was missing was a chalkboard . " Diedre , " I said , " our moms ? " " Asleep , " she said . " Don 't worry . I left the AC on . " Immediately inside the door I recognized the prison electric chair from what I 'd seen on TV , but it was much smaller than I had envisioned . The cleaning people , all of them old and black , were in the process of taking it apart , producing things in their pink wrinkled palms for us to inspect . Some copper plates had been removed , and an old woman in a kerchief held one up to me . It was just a little bigger than her outstretched hand . I laid my hand on it , and where I made contact it was cool to the touch for just a moment before it reached body temperature . She held it silently , never looking into my face . The workers all seemed cowed by our presence , tentatively presenting the small parts in their calloused hands to Diedre and me before wiping them with rags and returning them to the chair . She took back the copper plate and wiped it free of my handprint , and before she laid it on the chair 's thick oak arm she showed me that it was clean . It was as though she and the others believed Diedre and I belonged there . At the far end of the room , two skeletons were sitting upright on a church pew . Their postures were like riders waiting at a bus stop , aloof and unaware of one another . The skeletons weren 't as pristine as the one I 'd seen in science class . Some flecks of flesh were stilPosted by the Arctic Monkeys at Glastonbury , summer 2007 ' Poor Sid ' will return one day soon . Vernon Reid , leader of the band Living Colour , was asked to provide commentary on 2 films that will be shown at the new visitors center at Bethel Woods , NY , the site of Woodstock in 1969 . In speaking of the influence of that event on the future experiences of younger musicians , he articulates a philosophy that has become a religion for me : the need for openness of heart and mind to opportunities that exist in each moment . In other words , in my own spiritual terms , God = Opportunity . That 's all ; recognizing the opportunities that lie in our path , often disguised as obstacles , is the same as recognizing this Being or Force or Spirit that is supposed to give cohesion to our lives . I was only 9 the summer of Woodstock , and I think Vernon Reid was even younger , but he tapped into what became possible that summer when he said , " It was about being where you are , in the moment you 're in , and making things happen as much as you could in that moment . That 's something that 's not tied to any one time period ; that 's a value . When my snare drum gets torn , when things go wrong , what do I do next ? Woodstock , from beginning to end , was a series of things exactly like that - a production that ran on spirit , will and improvisational experience . " Part 4I saw Tim one time when I was home from college , pumping gas into his rusty Buick at the StarFlite while I was sitting in the back seat of my father 's mint green Cadillac in my Sunday clothes . He had gray bags under his eyes , and the beginnings of a gut extruded over his belt beneath his T - shirt . He had puffed up like a rooster to become the overweight redneck his adolescent frame had foreshadowed , but his hair was still dirty black and straight to his shoulders . Our eyes met , and I slid away from the window to the hump over the transmission ( which is pronounced even in a Cadillac ) so that I made myself into an unapproachable princess stuck up there on the middle of the seat , not even acknowledging that I knew him . Sid McCarthy was the other kid that was executed that night that I had known . I hadn 't seen him since High school , but I remembered Sid as The Dumb One , a big sweet blonde jock that everyone liked but thought was really stupid . Recently , I had to rack my brain to know how I 'd ever had a class with someone as dumb as Sid , but then I remembered that Sid was surprisingly good at math and ended up in my calculus class senior year . He was sort of an idiot savant of derivatives . photo by Gregory CrewdsonA new short story , working title POOR SIDPart 1 ( Deidre ) Deidre and I had taken turns driving our mothers on about half a dozen of these jaunts since I moved back from California . She was two years older than I was , so she didn 't pay much attention to me and my friends in high school . But I told her last night when we were planning this trip that I was a classmate of the two guys whose pictures had taken up half of yesterday 's front page . I confided to her that I was particularly uneasy about Timmy Reardon - I 'd always felt pretty bad that I had snubbed a lot of people in those days when I decided I was going to California ( never to return , of course ) , snubbed them on principle because they were still here , Deidre included , and I was ready to be anywhere but . However , since I failed at what I went there to do , I came back to swallow my pride , and for the time being , live with my widowed mother . Part 2 ( Mom ) I shrugged at Deidre from the front porch where I had been holding the screen door open for about three minutes while my mother disputed something Aunt Cookie , Deidre 's mother , was saying in the kitchen . Deidre was smart to be in the car . I was sure she already had the air conditioning on full blast because I saw dry wisps of blonde hair blowing straight back from her temples . The AC was so palpable that I almost smacked my lips in anticipation of it . When I stamped my foot impatiently , for Deidre 's benefit only , it was because I knew my mother would never be able to find her missing Cover Girl pressed - powder compact if she was preoccupied , so I prayed silently that Aunt Cookie would just shut up for a minute . " You count your carbohydrates , not your calories , " Aunt Cookie said , explaining the diet for the second time . " How do you lose weight if you don 't count calories ? " My mother 's voice trailed from the kitchen to the hall , her eyes trained down to any surface where she might have left the compact . Because you count your carbohydrates , Gracie , " Aunt Cookie insisted , aPosted by " Thank you , Estrella , " I say to the maid as she hands me a fresh cup of coffee . " By the way , you did a marvelous job on the rug . " Her brown eyes tell me I 'm welcome . I stroll through the dining room to the living room and stop momentarily at the faint ring of blood on the carpet where the baby was born two days ago into my hands before the paramedics arrived . My wife is here , just home from the hospital , holding the baby with my stepdaughter and my son from my first marriage looking on . Three years ago today I would have been standing here alone with my coffee , contemplating an empty couch , an empty room , a divorced man in his big new old house with the sparse furnishings his ex - wife would let him have . It is not a weekend ; my son would not have been here on a weekday three years ago . He would have been in school . Now there are five people here in this house who love me , if you count the baby , four in this room and Estrella , it has just dawned on me , in the kitchen . Should I say it out loud ? " Three year ago I would have been standing in this room alone . Now there are four people here who love me , if you count the baby . " My wife smiles up at me from the couch and says , " Ummm . " My boy and the little girl take their eyes off the baby 's face for a moment , look at me , and wonder if I 'm going to cry or say something else . The baby continues to breathe . I 'm standing in this room of perfect love . At this minute my family is poised before me like a snapshot of all my desires being fulfilled . I am struck by a vision of Estrella kneeling behind my wife and supporting her as the baby is pushed out into my trembling hands , Estrella 's smooth brown hand calmly stroking the side of my wife 's face . She is whispering a prayer in Spanish . It will be another year before I sleep with the maid , and one of those times will be just inches away from the very stain the baby 's birth left on the carpet . When my wife finds out and I tell her it meant nothing she will say , " She is our maid , for God 's sake . You sPosted by |
" Let no one cherish anything , inasmuch as the loss of what is beloved is hard . There are no fetters for him who knows neither pleasure nor pain . From affection arises sorrow ; from affection arises fear . To him who is free from affection there is no sorrow . Whence fear ? " - Gautama Buddha Suneel wakes up hours before his family . This is normal , although today is not normal , today is a special day . Most days he makes tea , reads the paper , eats some toast without butter before going to work at his store . Sushila , his wife , never wakes until after nine . She likes to stay up late , talking on the phone with her friends . When the children were younger , he was the one who woke them , who ironed their Catholic school uniforms and put out milk and cereal . But now the children are able to wake themselves , and only Riddhi , his youngest , still sleeps at home . It is Riddhi 's birthday today . Tonight all of their friends will gather to celebrate his youngest daughter 's seventeenth birthday . She has just finished high school , and plans to start at the local community college in the fall . Not as smart as her older sister , no . His sweet Riddhi will never join Raji at Harvard . Just as well , considering what Raji is doing there , running around in public with white boys . It turns his stomach . He drinks his tea , savoring the taste of cinnamon , cardamom , cloves , with shreds of ginger so fierce and strong . He 's tasted the tea in American stores - weak , sugary brews . Diluted , adulterated . Pathetic . His wife claims she likes it that way , but she still makes his strong , the way they drink it back home . She knows that his standards haven 't changed , that he still believes in doing things right . When she is with him , she drinks tea the way he does . But when she 's on her own - who knows ? Sushila is still asleep ; she has stayed up late , cooking for the party , making curries that will taste better the second day . She has made beef curries and pork and chicken for their friends , who are all Catholic like her ; vegetables for him , the lone Buddhist . He has sometimes been tempted by the smell of her meat curries , but the thought of actually eating meat turns his stomach . He has not had meat since he was twenty , back in 1946 . Two years before they married ; thirty - four years ago . He has held firm to his convictions . If he ate meat now , it would make him ill . He can taste already her brinjal curry , savor the spicy coconut sambol and the pungent pickled limes . His mouth is almost burning , though the fire is wholly imagined , and he takes a long drink of tea to soothe it . He chokes on a piece of ginger , and coughs for a few moments , his whole body shaking . Then it 's gone , swallowed down , and he is at rest again . His wife is an excellent cook ; none can deny that , at least , though he can guess what else they say about her . She won 't be awake until eleven at least . But there is a lot to do between now and then . He washes the cup , dries it , puts it away . He calls the store ; no problems . His assistant is a solid man , his cousin 's friend , and reasonably trustworthy , although he wouldn 't give the man access to the store 's bank account . He knows that you can 't really trust anyone here , in America , not the way you could back home , in Ceylon . It 's just not the same ; family and friendship don 't mean the same things here that they did back there . He has learned that the hard way . Still , the man works hard , and the store takes a lot of hard work . The store has fed and clothed him and his family ; in it he sells saris , lengths of shining fabric in silk and chiffon with bright gold threads . Suneel started the shop with money saved up from work in Colombo , the capital , back when they were newlyweds . He had saved enough to bring his wife and young children to America , enough to buy a partnership in a new sari store , one of the first in the country , and then worked hard enough to buy the store outright a few years later . He 's proud of the store , and it 's doing well , but who knows for how long ? When they first arrived , it seemed that their white neighbors shared their values ; knew the value of hard work , the importance of family , of decency . He 'd thought it a good place to raise children , a place of opportunities . But in recent years , America has changed , changed completely . Nothing here is as it was , nothing lasts . In this country , everything looks bright and beautiful and substantial , but it is so often a sham , with nothing real supporting it . Not like back home . Time to start cleaning . Sushila does the light cleaning - she looks lovely wandering around the house in a simple green sari , feather duster in her hand . But ask her to scrub the bathroom tiles , or even move the furniture to vacuum behind it … But he brought her here , after all ; against everyone 's advice . The first man in his village to go so far from home . It was his vision - America , land of opportunity , a shining bright future for his family . How could he have known that in America , you had to be fabulously rich to afford even a single servant ? They are not fabulously rich , and his wife prefers not to think about the dirt that gathers in the corners , under the carpet . He does not force it on her , though sometimes he is exhausted , coming home from the store only to find the house is so filthy that he cannot stand it . Sometimes he stays up late for nights on end , sweeping and scrubbing and mopping , while she talks on the telephone to her friends . She has so many friends , and they have so much to talk about . Sometimes he wants to take her face and push it down in the bucket of scummy water , just for a moment , just so she knows what she is forcing him to do - but he would never do that . He doesn 't even raise his voice when he asks her what she has been doing all day long ; he is not that sort of man . The Buddha counsels calm in the face of the vexatious ; restraint when in the presence of troublesome souls . He tries to follow the teaching . An hour later , Suneel is still cleaning , but Riddhi has woken up . She comes down the stairs in her purple pajamas with sleep still crusted in her eyes , hair falling tangled down her back . How many times her mother has told her to brush it with oil and braid it before sleep ? She always forgets , like a child . His little one , his delicate angel . She looks just like her mother did when he married her ; much the same age as well . So lovely . They sent her to a Catholic girls ' high school ; both of them had agreed that it was best , after what had happened with Raji . But soon the boys will be swarming around her ; even tonight , at the party , the sons of their friends will be drawn to her . His sweet innocent ; if he could only keep her a child , safe , forever . She wraps her arms around his neck as he bends over the bathroom sink , scrubbing at a stubborn stain . " Good morning , Appa . " Oh , good morning , my daughter . Happy birthday . I hope you have a very happy birthday today … Then she 's off to eat cereal before starting to help with the cleaning . Dutiful child , not like her sister who had always found some excuse to be out of the house when there was work to be done . Even today - where is she ? Has Raji come home to help ? No . She 'll take the late train from Boston , waltz in the door at four o ' clock when the guests have arrived and the work is done . And he 'll have to count himself lucky if she comes alone . So far , Raji has at least kept her shameful behavior with her at college , not brought it home to their house . He 's not sure how much it matters , since she isn 't discreet enough to keep it a secret . Running around in broad daylight ; holding hands and kissing . All of their friends know what she does at night , when her mother calls at eleven o ' clock and she isn 't in her dorm room . One friend called them from Australia to tell them what she had heard - oh , how troubled she was , how concerned about their Raji . Sushila has pleaded with him to do something about it , has raged at him . But what can a father do ? Raji has made her own choices . He will educate her , that is his duty ; then she will be on her own . The heavy cleaning is done . Now there is just a little straightening left . Though soon Sushila will be up with an endless list of errands for him to run . He turns the sofa cushions in the family room , his fingers digging deep into the fabric , threatening to tear . She always has lists for him , and never mind what else he has planned ; she never asks - that 's yet another of his jobs , after all . To run around after his wife . He deliberately relaxes his hands , breathes deeply , releases the cushions . He pulls open the curtains to let sunlight into the fading room . Suneel straightens the photos on top of the TV ; so many of them . His beautiful wife , laughing at party after party . She likes parties , where she is always surrounded by her female friends . He can imagine the others not in the picture , the ghosts surrounding her . He is standing behind her , there to hold her up , catch her if she falls - the good husband . There is Raji , so tall and straight and serious . His studious one , always busy alone in her room with her books and paper and paint . He had such hopes for her … all gone , now . And Riddhi , his angel girl , like a flower . Riddhi dancing , like her mother , a twirling burst of colored flame . After her Arangetrum , her graduation dance performance , she stood up on the stage so seriously , and thanked her teachers , her sister , her amma and appa most of all . You could see in her face her sweetness , her love for her family ; it was clear from the light shining out of it . You can see it still . It 's almost ten - time to wrap Riddhi 's presents . Sushila has chosen most of them . Pretty dresses , and one of them not to be wrapped , since Riddhi will wear it today . A white handbag . A dark green sari . Sushila wore green , the day after they were married . Sitting at the table with him , his mother , his sisters - he remembers how beautiful she looked in that green , how she smiled and blushed when one of his sisters teased her about the night before . His young bride . He had been so nervous the night before . His friends had been full of coarse advice ; he was the first of them to marry ; they knew nothing . One of his aunties had pulled him aside - he can 't remember now which one it was . She whispered to him : " The girl 's more scared than you are . " Then she stuck a chicken roll in his hand and went away . The older relatives never remembered that he had given up eating the flesh of animals the year before , when he became a Buddhist . But it was good advice . It had calmed him down , and let him be very patient and gentle with Sushila that night . She had been so vulnerable , so sweet and still as he unwrapped her crimson sari . Afterwards , he had fallen asleep with her small hand held tightly in his own . When he woke , it was still there . Suneel aches even now , at the memory of it . His fingers continue wrapping , creasing the delicate paper , tearing it , folding it over each gift . Lipstick . Blush . Eyeliner . Small gold earrings . He does not approve of the make - up . His daughter does not need to paint her face to be beautiful . But it 's not worth arguing with his wife . He learned that long ago . The earrings are good ; a girl should have some nice jewelry , for beauty and security . He has been saving money ; a little here and there put into a special bank account . He started when Raji was born - money for his daughters ' dowry , for their jewelry . Now who knows whom Raji will marry , if she ever does . Running around with American boys . Taking them back to her dorm room for anyone to see - and they run and tell her shamed parents , of course , and all their friends . Sushila screams at the girl , hits her , but it does no good . Violence never does . Raji will find her own path , away from her family , and the jewelry will go to Riddhi instead . It is just as well . A girl cannot have too much security . At eleven , Sushila wakes . He brings her tea , and sits by the side of the bed while she drinks it . She has a list of instructions for him : buy chicken for the rolls , wine and beer , some large prawns ; she 's decided to make another curry . It will be expensive , more than they 'd planned to spend , but he can work late tomorrow and make up the difference . She does not ask what he thinks . She finishes her list , and gets out of bed . Sushila wears a thin white cotton nightgown . Her heavy breasts show through the sheer fabric , her waist and swell of hips , the darkness at the juncture of her thighs . Her long hair falls thickly down her back . He stirs at the sight of her ; he often does . Riddhi is working in the front yard , trimming the roses , mowing the lawn . He can hear the roar of the mower through the open window , and knows that if he were to close the bedroom door and pull his wife back to the bed , Riddhi would not hear them . He considers it - if he did draw her to the bed , Sushila would not protest . She never protests ; she is always willing , always available , the accommodating wife . But she will lie still beneath him , with her head turned away and her eyes closed . She will be still like a statue . It is the only time she is awake and not in motion - when he is moving in her , above her . On that first night , their wedding night , Suneel had been so gentle with her , but had not managed to coax a response from her . He had told himself that it would get better with time , that she hardly knew him , that he was a stranger to her . But it had not gotten better , and so only rarely had he let himself sink inside her . Once was a night when Sushila had gone shopping with her friends , and had come back late - so late ! Nine - thirty at night , and while it was true that the mall was open until nine , he had not been able to believe that she had only been shopping . His anger had risen up in him then , and he had almost dragged her to their bed . He had wanted to hit her , wanted to hurt her , and he had come so close … Yet he had remembered the words of the Buddha , and had restrained himself . He had taken her fiercely , but without causing her pain . He had stayed true to himself , to his beliefs , and she had never known how angry he had been . Sometimes he wondered if that anger had infected Raji , conceived on that night . Sushila raises her arms , stretches , displaying the dark thatch of hair under her arms , and he bites his lip , drawing blood . He wants her . She is his wife , and he has every right to take her . But he knows that if he takes her back to bed now , she will not want him . She will not want him . He lets her go to her shower , undisturbed . He drives too fast on the highway . His family depends on him , he has a duty to them , and so he wears his seat belt - but he still drives too fast . A car speeds up , cuts in front of him , and he resists the urge to shove his foot down on the gas , rush forward and crash … that would be an extremely violent act . At sixteen , Raksha had fallen in with a bad crowd , taken to disappearing at night , climbing out windows and down trees , meeting with his friends . Eventually they 'd heard about it , learned that the boy was spending his time smoking marijuana in a dark room with other teens , having sex with one girl or another , listening to music that preached revolution , revolution and sex , sex that they called ' love ' . Those children had no idea what love was , but they were everywhere that summer , smoking and drinking and running around late at night , singing . America had never seemed as alien as it did that year . Then came the rumors that Raksha had gotten a white girl pregnant , that she 'd had an abortion or a baby , that she had disappeared or died - but maybe they were just rumors . No one seemed sure . They had confined Raksha to his room , they had argued with him , his mother had screamed and wept - but for nothing . Raksha had grown sullen and silent . Finally he 'd left , just disappeared into the night like a thief , without even a note . Sushila has never forgiven her husband for not being harsher with their son . She hasn 't hesitated to discipline Raji , bringing the slim bamboo cane down on the girl 's back , but it has done little good . He has never hit anyone . He avoids harsh speech , and animosity of thought . All the Buddhism he knows he learned from a friend in school so long ago , and from what he can teach himself by studying books . He has learned at least a little after years of study , and knows that refraining from violent thought or action is essential if one wishes to reach the calm of enlightenment . When he comes home , she screams at him . Sushila is a woman given to screeching , though he could never have guessed that when they married . He knew she had life and passion in her , but it seemed so joyous . She was sparkling then , like sunlight on river water . Laughter bubbled out of her . She even got his littlest sister to laugh once or twice , ugly Medha who had never managed to find a husband . Medha , who has ended up alone , living in a sad little house on the beach , battered by salty ocean winds , with only a maid for company . Without children . Perhaps Raji will suffer the same fate , since she has apparently turned away from their society . Perhaps she too will end up ugly and alone . Once the thought of his daughter in such straits might have tormented him , but he has been hurt too many times , betrayed over and over . His heart is closed to her ; he cannot bring himself to care . The first step to enlightenment , perhaps , to serenity . When touched by happiness or sorrow , the wise show no elation or dejection ; the wise become serene like unto a deep , calm and crystal - clear lake . He suspects that he will never find it , but he longs for that serenity . Serenity is difficult to find when Sushila is shouting that he has brought the wrong kind of chicken . Does he do this to her deliberately ? Is he trying to torment her ? His neck is taut with tension , his shoulders tight , but she cannot see that - he is much taller than she is . He bows his head until she is finished . Then he goes out again , to get the right kind of chicken . When he comes back a half hour later , with the chicken , she does not thank him . She is busy cooking again , and two of his sisters have arrived as well to help . Their husbands are working , and will arrive later . The women are laughing in the kitchen , gossiping and trading bits of cooking wisdom . They ignore him , but he is used to that . The house is clean ; the food will be ready on time ; she needs nothing more of him . He goes to wrap his daughter 's final present . He takes the photo from a manila envelope he 's kept hidden in a drawer . He arranged for it months ago ; his wife has no idea . It 's a good photo . There is a frame for it as well , heavy silver . He slips the photo into the frame , attaches the back , tightens the screws . It will not slip away . For a moment , he hesitates . This is home that he is holding in his hands - but he has not been back in so long , and sometimes he hears disturbing news of strange events . There had been the riots , in ' 58 . And since then , scattered violence , here and there . Even some deaths . His gut twists for a moment , but then eases again . The violence is transient ; it must be . It will pass . He knows what home really is , and what it isn 't . Suneel wraps the photo with steady hands in white tissue paper and places it in a box ; wraps the box in shining red foil paper . It will glow from among the other presents in their decorous wrappings . Perhaps Riddhi will open it first - that would be a nice surprise . Riddhi knocks on the bedroom door , calling to him - " Appa ! " He is startled , and calls to her to wait . Just another minute securing it with scotch tape - there . It 's done . He puts it with the other presents and goes to open the door . His daughter grabs his hand , drags him to the dining room window . " Look , Appa - it 's raining ! " It 's true . The rain is slanting down over the lawn , spattering against the circles of metal folding chairs ; it will be a large party , perhaps a hundred people . Too many to seat comfortably all in the house . He had spent at least an hour mowing the back lawn and setting up the chairs yesterday , and now his daughter is panicking because they are getting wet . Raji would have argued , would have wondered if they should make plans to bring the chairs inside somehow , would have at least pointed out that it was still two hours until anyone was due to arrive and that their friends were always an hour late in any case . Raji had never agreed with him ; she had always argued . Once , he had thought that was good , a sign of a strong spirit . Now he knows better . Riddhi smiles in response to his words and says , " Okay . " She goes upstairs to get ready ; she trusts and obeys him . He would do almost anything to preserve that trust . Suneel showers and gets dressed . He has trouble finding the tie he wants ; Sushila has rearranged the closet again . He is looking for his favorite tie , the dark blue one with the thin white diagonal lines . It reminds him of river water , white foam on the darkness . He reaches back into the closet , and pulls out a handful of old ties , ties that he hasn 't seen in years . One of them is bright red , shockingly bright , even after all this time . His son was fifteen that day . Raksha had given him that tie on Father 's day . Raji was only four then , and Riddhi was just two . Raksha had been born a scant nine months after their wedding ; they had waited a long time for more children . Sometimes he wondered whether Sushila had actually wanted children , if she had been taking something to prevent them ; motherhood had never really suited her . Maybe she had , and then had become careless as the long years stretched past , stopped worrying about it , and so he 'd gotten his girls at last . She had her secrets , his wife . He 'd never know the truth of it . Let it go . Raksha had given him the tie on Father 's Day . Such a bright boy he was , and yet already in trouble . Already running around with the wrong crowd , but they didn 't know . His parents didn 't know - how could they ? Suneel was working seventy , eighty hours a week at the store in those days , and he was so tired at night . Sushila kept the family fed , and cleaned up a little , but she was busy herself with two young ones after so long without . She didn 't spend much time on her son , who had already grown so tall . When Raksha had given him that tie , reached to hug him , had there been alcohol on his breath ? Had there been marijuana smoke thick in his clothes ? If so , neither of his parents had noticed . When his grades started slipping , they had scolded Raksha , told him to try harder . Never doubted the boy when he said he was studying at the library late at night , trying to improve the grades . It had never occurred to the father to distrust his son . Adults could betray you , as he well knew , but children ? Children were the light of life . When Raksha ran off , they 'd been frantic with worry , called the police , their friends across the country . The boy was found in Chicago , months later ; he 'd hitched his way across the country . Raksha lived with white friends for a while , then eventually found a job , but refused to come home or answer their letters . He never told them why he had run away . They had given him everything , and he had thrown it all back in their faces . Finally Sushila , enraged , had demanded that they cut him off entirely , weeping with her frustration . He had quietly agreed . They were only acknowledging a separation that was already final . They still received reports from friends in Chicago . Raksha had settled down eventually , had even married a Tamil girl from a good family , a professional family . Married above him , actually ; he had always been a handsome boy . There had been some trouble , but it was eventually sorted out . Suneel has picked up the phone to call him , a hundred times , but every time , he puts it down again . Raksha has a daughter now , Chaya , a girl who will never know her father 's parents . His son is lost to him . For the sake of oneself , one should not long for a son , wealth or a kingdom . He had never truly wanted wealth or a kingdom . He places the red tie back on the rack , finally finds the dark blue tie , soberly knots it around his neck . Sushila has showered , is dressing now . He straightens the bedroom , pretending not to watch her , listening to her talking nonsense . She slips her arms into a dark purple blouse , and calls him to hook up the back . His fingers do not linger on the soft flesh exposed there ; he is deft and quick , after so many years of practice . Thirty - two years of marriage . He married her when he was twenty - two and she was sixteen ; he is fifty - four now , a good age for a man to ease back , to rest in the comfort of his family 's love and affection . She tucks one end of her dark green sari into her half - slip , and he takes the other end in his hands , holding it taut as she folds the fabric in front of her , making the pleats that will allow her to walk freely , to dance later . She will call him to dance , and he will gently refuse , as always . He does not dance . She will dance with her friends , his sisters - not immodestly , of course . Only with women ; never with men . But she will laugh freely , will be flushed with pleasure , will lean towards the women and whisper silly secrets in their ears , making them blush and giggle . Exuberant , yet unobjectionable , as always . But the public does not always reflect the private , and he has always known what really goes on . Suneel is not sure when he first realized that his wife , his beautiful , innocent - seeming Sushila , was betraying him . The first clue was undoubtedly in bed , but he was so ignorant then ; how long was it going on before he noticed ? Before he realized that while she was willing , she was never eager for him ? Before he realized that there was more than maidenly shyness in her lack of response to him ? In another kind of woman , perhaps that would have been normal , but not his Sushila , who laughed with her whole heart , who sometimes had taken the children out to dance in the rain , and who bit her lip and crossed her thighs as they watched the romantic scenes in American movies , the woman in soft focus , lips parted , clasped tight in strong arms . Somewhere in Sushila was a response , but not to him . Never to him . He had never caught her at it . Never caught her sneaking out , or inviting someone in . He hadn 't tried , hadn 't wanted to . If he had caught her , he would have been tempted from the path . If he had caught her , he might have swung a heavy fist at her lying face , might have beaten her lover into a bloody pulp . And so he always called first if he were coming home unexpectedly early , or in the middle of the day . He had trouble sleeping at night , and so took pills so that he would not know if she ever slipped out of their bed . Suneel had done his best to never know the truth . He had no real evidence ; he had tried not to know - yet he was sure . He knew . He would have done better not to love her at all , not to desire her . Let no one cherish anything , inasmuch as the loss of what is beloved is hard . But after thirty - one years , he has not managed it . Sushila is still his wife , and beautiful to him , and every night he fights his desire to reach for the woman who was the first to betray him . She pulls the fabric from his hands ; she is done pleating it . Sushila wraps it once around her body , and then crosses it up over her full breasts , over a shoulder to drape across her back and bare waist . He pins the heavy fabric in place at her shoulder , and she walks out of the room , still chattering about something , words which he can make no sense of . The rain stops , and he goes out with a dishcloth to wipe the chairs dry . No one has arrived yet - they will start arriving at 4 : 30 , 4 : 45 . They will eat the appetizers , they will drink the wine , they will have a roaring good time . Eventually , they will go away , leaving a scattering of presents behind , and then the family will sit down with Riddhi to open them . It will be late - maybe eleven , or twelve or even later . Riddhi will be tired ; they will all be . Their reactions will be muted , which is really a shame . He wants to see the looks on their faces as she opens his present . He wants it badly . He does not want to wait . By five , the party is going strong - all of their close friends have arrived , and only a few more people are straggling in . Riddhi is lovely in a pale cream summer dress , with slim straps baring too much of her skin . The boys cluster around her , and she tilts back her head and laughs , delightedly , at what they say to her . What are they saying to her ? " I have an announcement - but first , I have a special present for my daughter . " They gather closer , drawn by the word , ' present ' , wondering what it could be . Everyone loves getting presents . Riddhi comes to stand next to him , and Raji and Sushila are near as well . Sushila looks puzzled , but not worried . Why should she be ? He has never given her reason to worry . He pulls the red foil wrapped present out from behind his back , hands it to his daughter . The crowd murmurs . Riddhi smiles and takes it . She starts peeling off the tape carefully , slowly , and Raji shouts , " Just tear it ! " Riddhi continues slowly , though , slipping the foil off and then letting it fall to the fresh - mown grass . She opens the box , slides the frame out of it , unwraps the tissue paper . Riddhi looks at the picture of the handsome young man , bewildered . The murmurs have grown louder , and Raji is looking furious . She knows that Riddhi has known nothing of this , but the crowd is not so certain . Surely they would have heard something of this before ? Some rumor ? But he is a very private man , after all , and the family has had such trouble in the past … maybe he wanted to keep it secret until it was all settled . But how nice to have the girl settled so young ; how lovely ! The whispers fly through the crowd ; he keeps talking . " She will not be going to school in the fall ; instead , Riddhi will be traveling this summer to Ceylon , where she will marry Ashok , the son of one of my good friends , a cloth merchant in Colombo . Ashok is twenty - two , just the age I was when I married my own wife . I know he and Riddhi will be very happy - so please , join me in wishing them every joy and happiness ! " He sits alone on his marriage bed , drinking a glass of whiskey . It is the first taste of alcohol he has had in thirty - two years . He doesn 't like it , but he drinks it down . His hands are shaking . Later he will have to face Sushila , but he will convince her easily . Ashok 's family is quite wealthy , and the boy is a very good catch . Riddhi would never have made a good student , and Sushila will be happy enough to be finally done with raising children , once she gets past the shock . Besides , all the agreements are made ; the family is preparing in Colombo for the wedding . All that remains is to ready the bride and buy their plane tickets for the wedding . Sushila won 't back out now . Raji will rage , but she no longer has any power in this family . She gave that up herself . If Riddhi supported her , then perhaps , but otherwise … " What do you think you 're doing ? " She is almost screaming , almost wailing . It is strangely satisfying to see so much emotion in her ; to know that he has caused it . When Raji was younger , she was always bursting into the store , full of some scheme or another , but she has been distant for so long now , wrapped up in her life away from them . This is the passionate daughter he remembers . " I 'm doing what 's best for Riddhi . " He could chide her for her tone of voice , but chooses not to . Why bother ? It has been a long time since she has shown any respect for her father . " What 's best for Riddhi ? ? What 's best for her is to go to school , to learn to support herself , to stop being dependent on you ! Not to be packed off to Ceylon and married to a total stranger - she doesn 't even speak Tamil ! " Raji 's hands are balled fists on her hips , and she leans forward , as if she longs to hit him . He weighs twice what she does ; he could flatten her with one slap across her insolent face . He sits still on the bed , and keeps his voice calm . " She 'll learn , and they speak English . She 'll be well taken care of there . " It 's a good family ; of course they 'll take care of Riddhi . For a moment , he wonders if this is true , if he is making a mistake . Could Riddhi be happier with an education , with the ability to take care of herself ? A few more years as a child … And yet , hasn 't he seen what that leads to ? If he doesn 't take care of her now , won 't she simply ruin herself , and break his heart in the process ? For a moment , he isn 't sure - and now Riddhi is quietly entering the room . She stops by the door , looking so pale , almost white . He could have been wrong . But Raji keeps shouting , " You 're just tired of taking care of her - you just want to get rid of her . You got rid of Raksha , and you 're happy to be rid of me . All you want is your precious serenity - all you want is to be left alone ! " What nonsense . Doesn 't she know that he has always loved them more than he has loved serenity and wisdom ? Wasn 't that his first mistake , and his last ? " Be quiet , Raji . You don 't know what you 're talking about . " Suddenly Suneel is weary ; tired of dealing with this child , this stranger . What has happened to his fiery daughter , the girl who used to stretch her arms wide and say that she loved him this much ? This girl in front of him - she understands nothing . " If Riddhi tells me she doesn 't want to go , of course she doesn 't have to . " He gestures , and Raji turns to see her sister in the doorway . Raji looks like she wants to stay , but what can she do ? She casts one more angry glance at him , and then storms out of the room . Riddhi stands still , framed in the doorway . She doesn 't say anything . After a short silence , he beckons her to him . She comes to sit at his feet , leaning her head against his knee . He strokes her hair , brushed smooth and oiled so that it flows like dark river water down her back . " Well . That 's true . But we 'll visit , and once Ashok gets established , you 'll be able to visit us here . You 've always enjoyed our summer trips to Ceylon . Do you remember - that summer when you were twelve , you said that you never wanted to leave . You 'll see - you 'll be happy there . " " Yes , Appa . " She is a good girl . He had known that she would not fight him on this . They sit together , and he continues stroking her hair ; after a little while , she presses his hand , gets up , and goes back out to the party . She really will be happy there ; he knows it . He would never hurt her , his sweet one , his darling daughter . He loves her more than is wise ; he has never mastered the release of affection , of caring , that leads to true peace . He has to send her away , as far away as possible , perhaps to a place where she will not learn betrayal , if there is such a place left in this world . |
What a beautiful day this turned out to be . I had the turkey in the oven by 9 : 51 and everything was finished at the same time and on the table in time ! We even were able to eat before the kids woke up from their extended naps ! Bonus ! Everything was fantastic , if I do say so myself , and the turkey was the most tender it has ever been . The kids woke up around 3 : 40 - ish and came down to eat . Not a lot was consumed , but Figgy did devour my turkey . Not bad for a self - imposed vegetarian who was eating tofu this time last year . : ) I even managed to clean as I was cooking , so there wasn 't much to do after dinner . Of course , I didn 't have to do any of the post - dinner cleaning . That 's the best part of doing all that cooking . I did , however , curl up on the couch and curse myself for eating too much . I seem to have forgotten ( momentary lapse in judgement ) that I can 't eat as much anymore . Something about a baby in your belly that does that to ya . . . I have to tell you , I had a small knot in my tummy all day because I knew we 'd be venturing up to have dessert at the in - laws . I 'm always on edge when it comes to them because we really don 't get along , but they took care of it for me . We were supposed to be there around 5 : 00 . . . these people are NEVER on - time for anything , remember that ? So , they call to see if we 're still coming and we tell them we are . They ask if we can come at 5 : 30 , instead . No problem ; it just means they spend 30 minutes less with their grandkids . It 's a 35 - 40 minute drive ( maybe longer on a holiday ) , so we figure we 'll head out at 5 : 00 . As we 're getting ready to walk out the door , I check the phone and see that they called us . Excuses , excuses , excuses galore . . . and they want to know if we 'll come closer to 6 : 00 . Of course , we both look at each other and know that there is no way in hell they 'll be done with their dinner by 6 : 00 . They never are ; the one Thanksgiving they 've hosted since Jason and I have been together , they were almost an hour and a half late with dinner . So , the decision was made that we were noPosted by I 'm sure I 'll have more tonight , but I wanted to express my disappointment . . . So , normally I don 't watch this but decided to join my husband and the kids to see what all the hype was about . I 'm not a big parade sort of person , but it 's really the only thing on tv , it 's important to Jason , and I 'm busy with the turkey . ( Taking a break to shower and check e - mail ! ) Now , I should also start this off by saying I am normally NOT like this . I 'm one of those sorts of people that says , " If you don 't like it , turn it off . . . don 't read it . . . blah , blah , blah . " That said , I do feel like there is way too much leeway in television programming these days . I didn 't get the big deal about Janet Jackson 's wardrobe " malfunction " during the Super Bowl . But , when I 'm sitting down to watch a HOLIDAY parade that everyone knows is going to be watched by young families around the country , I expect it to be tasteful . I expect the songs to be geared towards the holiday or children . I do not expect to hear the only black recording artist talking about slipping out of her lingerie and into nothing but her boyfriend 's t - shirt . I do not expect to watch her sliding her hand down her leg , near her private area . What in the hell is that all about ? ! ? ! Is that all the black recording artists today can sing about ? All of those artists that I grew up listening to ( Stevie Wonder , Aretha Franklin . . . ) never resorted to that . It disgusts me . It 's inappropriate on a program such as this one and I 'm extremely disappointed in the parade organizers . And , did anyone else notice that the ONLY singer on the floats that sang live was none other than my favorite ? James Taylor . . . The rest of ' em can 't sing a live song to save their stinkin ' lives . Ugh . What happened to the decent music I grew up listening to ? What a crazy day ! Figgy was out of her mind this afternoon and had all of us laughing at dinner . She has decided that she likes to have one arm out of her shirt so that it sits at an angle across her shoulders . On top of that , she found one of her old infant headbands that was stretchy and put it around her neck . It has a bow on it . She looked like a little exotic dancer . And to top it all off ? She climbed up on the dining room table and started dancing . I nearly spit out my soup . Jason and I got out of the house tonight for a few hours and it was heaven . We 've decided to take a proactive approach to our marriage and started counseling tonight . We did a few sessions a few months ago , but decided it was time to find someone we both felt comfortable with . The last lady told us , after two sessions , that she didn 't feel we needed counseling and that we were one of the more healthy couples that she had seen in ages . Well , we sort of disagree , so I found a new guy . Our insurance page states that he has an office here in town , so I called and made an appointment last week . Turns out he closed that office and opened one up in his home , which is about 20 minutes away , near the University . We LOVED him . My husband isn 't one to just open up and start talking , but this guy made him feel comfortable and he just wouldn 't stop talking . The one thing we really liked about him was that he got what we were trying to say to him - that we feel as though our marriage is # 1 priority . While our kids are absolutely important to us , we 're both pretty set on the idea that without us , there is no family . We want to be healthy for them and to give them a healthy example of what a family and a marriage is about . Neither of us had that example growing up . I mean , let 's face it , his mom came right out and told us two months ago that she wouldn 't marry his dad if she had it to do over again . So , you can only imagine the example that they set . My husband , unfortunately , is one that believes you stay together for the sake of the kids , no matter wPosted by I need to be reassured , here , because I 'm beginning to feel like the only parent in the world who is experiencing this . We seem to have hit a stage with the twins where it is impossible to take them to other peoples homes . First of all , unless we 're going to a home with toddlers , I can 't expect it to be childproof . The kids are into EVERYTHING now and can be destructive ( normal , I 'm thinking ) . After just an hour , they seem to be overwhelmed , overstimulated and exhausted . So , meltdowns occur and we excuse ourselves . On the way home , and for at least another 30 minutes , Ethan is in full force meltdown mode . I have found , thanks to my sleep journal for Ethan , that he ends up waking up several times in the middle of the night . Over stimulation , perhaps ? I 'm not sure . . . Is this just a phase ? Is it solely my children ? I 'm bailing out of turkey day dessert with the in - laws because their home is nowhere near toddler friendly and I just can 't handle it . We may even bail out of Christmas Eve festivities at my husband 's aunt and uncle 's home ( an hour and a half away ) . Is this a normal thing ? I have to vent a little , too . We had that surprise party for a friend of mine this evening , who was turning 40 . I checked ahead of time , before deciding to bring the kids , and made sure it was going to be a child friendly sort of thing . They were so excited that I was going to bring the kids and I was assured that it was kid friendly . Apparently my idea of child friendly and their idea of child friendly are two completely different things . We walked into a museum quality home . There were friggin knick - knacks everywhere . The hostess came into the living room , after we got there , and put a bunch of candles on the coffee table and began to light them . I promptly blew them out and explained that I didn 't think it was such a good idea to have those lit at that level . Then , she brings out a big bowl of peanuts . I waited for her to leave the room and put them up higher , out of the line of sight . Then , she comes in with juice and hands it to thePosted by On a spur of the moment sort of thing , we decided to hop in the car and head to Gravelly Point . This is my husband 's favorite thing to do in DC , so he was eager and excited ! : ) We bundled the kids up and figured we 'd run around the bike path and soccer field to keep them entertained . Luckily , there weren 't too many planes taking off , so it wasn 't too loud . The kids had a blast ! Ethan , unfortunately , is just like me in some ways . We both have very poor circulation in our hands and feet , so it can become a miserable situation when it 's bitter cold outside . Even with his little mittens on , his hands were raw and red by the time we got back in the car and he was just miserable . Part of that , of course , was because he was plumb tuckered out . Elizabeth , true to form , was raring to go and chattered all the way home . After about 30 minutes of sobbing , Ethan finally passed out . All of a sudden , out of the backseat , we heard him softly snoring away . Elizabeth said , " Nigh - nigh " as she pointed at Ethan and waved . We lazed around most of the rest of the afternoon , after nap time . The kids are absolutely loving the Christmas decorations . I can 't describe it , but this feels like it 's going to be the best Christmas I can remember . I 'm so excited to see their little faces every single time they come down from naps . They make such a big deal about snowmen ( no - men , as Figgy says ) , Santa ( ho - ho - ho , as Prof . says ) and the lights . I can 't wait for the neighborhood lights to start going up and we can drive around to see them . The neighborhood up the street ( over 300 houses ) all do luminaries from the entrance to their neighborhood , all the way through . The first time I saw that was when I was a little girl and we were in Albuquerque for Christmas . We were on our way to a new duty station and that 's where we stopped for a few days . The hotel staff was fantastic with us and had a small , decorated tree waiting for us in our room ( 4 - foot tree ) . It was probably the best Christmas I can remember as a child . Mom drove us around town on ChristmPosted by If I could figure out how to post a video ( I 'll work on it ) , I 'd share with you all a snippet of what our late afternoon was like . Remember , Ethan is operating on a minimum amount of sleep and took a 20 minute nap , followed by a bit of screaming , followed by a 15 minute nap . To say he is grumpy is an understatement . I caught a few seconds of him losing his temper with Elizabeth when she went over to play with him and their race track . Picture him screaming like a banshee and her running in the opposite direction , screaming and throwing herself on the floor . Funny ! But , I did catch a few fun moments of peace and playfulness . . . I am going to lose my mind . Ethan has continued to wake up every night . Yesterday , naps lasted all of 50 minutes . He was a nasty bear by 4 : 00 . This morning it was 5 : 45 and he had no interest in going back to bed . Great . He was nasty to be around all day . Nap ? 2o minutes . He proceeds to wake his sister up , who was sound asleep . He has now gone back to sleep after 30 minutes of screaming and left her awake and pissed off . I honestly don 't know what to do anymore . I 've tried putting my pillow case in with him and he throws it out because it 's not blankie and that 's all he wants in his crib . I haven 't changed ANYTHING else , other than the sheet , and that gets changed all the time . I cannot continue down this path . I 'm frustrated and ready to jump out the bedroom window right now . Does it make me a mean , terrible mother if I leave them in there until 3 : 00 , when they would normally get up ? I can 't find my sleep bible ! Dr . Weissbluth , what would you say ? ? ? : ( Okay , so I 'm a dweeb ( and a kid at heart ) . I had to start decorating the house for Christmas . It gives the kids something new to entertain them and it puts me in the festive spirit . Don 't worry , I 'm holding off as looooooong as I can to put the tree up . : ) We 'll do that , as we normally do , the weekend after turkey day . I 'm having a blast watching their reactions to everything this year . Last year , they were only 11 months old , so it was much different . Now they squeal and ooh whenever I pull something out or turn on the lights . Today , one of the boxes had our Winnie - the - Pooh Santa hat in it . Figgy is having a blast with that and likes to put it on and pull it down over her eyes and wander around bumping into things . She laughs hysterically , with The Professor following closely behind her . Of course , as it seems to be the case in my life , I was seconds too late with the camera . This is a picture of her in the process of playing peek - a - boo with me ( pulling the hat down , then back up ) . My gratitude . . . Simplicity . Cloudy days . Nap time . Now that the weather is cooler , I 've been trying to keep the kids entertained while still getting out of the house . There are a few places I want to check out but , in the meantime , this is a great outing ! At the end of the runway at Reagan National Airport , there is a park called Gravelly Point . It 's nestled along the river and overlooks the entire skyline . Across the river is Bolling and the Navy base . We don 't get out of the car because it 's just way too loud for the kids right now , but I pack a bag of snacks and drinks and we hang out in the front seat watching the planes take off and land . It 's a great time killer and the kids have so much fun ! When they get older , we 'll be able to take picnics and play soccer and such . : ) Anyway , this is our day , today and the views . I so desperately need a new camera . : ( I don 't know what to do . I 'll admit it , right now , we 've been extremely fortunate with our kids and bedtime . We have our nightly routine and that involves milk , jammies , and then the 5 - minute warning . Depending on the status of naps , bedtime ranges from 7 : 30 - 8 : 00 , but never later . When it is time for bed , we announce it and the kids jump up from whatever it is they 're doing and head for the gate . They climb the stairs and go straight to their rooms and we don 't normally hear from them until 7 : 30 the next morning . Well , two days ago , we had some issues arise . Figgy wanted extra mommy time on Saturday night and I snuggled with her for a bit . The Professor has taken to screaming fits where he can , and will , make himself hysterical and start gagging . Both nights I have gone in to find him standing in the corner of his crib , closest to the bedroom door , clutching his blankie as tight as can be , reaching for me . His face is covered in baby snot ( sorry , tmi ! ) and he has tears streaming down his face . Last night , I snuggled with him for about 30 minutes before bringing him back to his own bed , where he was fine . While in bed with me , he chatted about all of the words he knows . He is at it , again , tonight . This time , however , we tried something new and snuggled for 10 minutes BEFORE bedtime . That didn 't cut it , apparently . He has been near hysterics for 30 minutes , now , and I 'm so torn about what to do . If I continue to go to him , I 'm terrified that I will start a pattern of behavior that will be impossible to stop . If I don 't go to him , I 'm afraid he 'll make himself sick or feel abandoned . Wait . . . silence . . . shhhh . . . . maybe he gave up ? ? ? Damn . Nope . Any thoughts about what course of action I should take ? Nothing new has changed . The bedroom is still the same . I did change the sheets on Saturday night . . . would that do this ? No , it couldn 't , could it ? You know , I think he stops every few minutes to listen . Is that even possible ? My gratitude for the day is for short , 5 minute cat naps on the couch when dinner is cooking and my huPosted by You know , if I had a dime for every time I 'm asked the same question , I 'd be able to put a large dent in our student loans . " Do you think you 'll have enough to give to another baby ? " Of course , sometimes it 's phrased differently , but you get the idea . I guess the people asking have never struggled with fertility and the idea that they 'd never be able to have a family of their own because this thought has never entered my mind . I have more than enough love to go around . I 'm also asked how I think the kids will respond and if it worries me . You know , I 've never really even thought about it . Much like the dog issue , it 's just not a concern . When I was pregnant with the twins , EVERYONE asked me when we were getting rid of our dog . ? ? ? What , since we 're now ready to add to our family , we have to get rid of another family member ? How does that work , exactly ? I adopted Bay ( rather , she picked me out ) and it was never a question of what we would do with her . I 've always said , " The babies will learn to adjust to having a dog . " Not the other way around . They have to learn to deal with her and be nice to her . And , at some point , they 'll have to learn that she is in charge of them and , when she tells them that she 's had enough playing , they 'll have to learn to stop . I 'm confident that the kids will adjust to having a new sibling and I 'll learn to adjust to splitting myself between the three . I 've learned to adjust to life as a mom of twins , so I 'm capable of anything . I 've got some making up to do on my gratitude list ! I 'm grateful for my ability to hear . I was walking the dog this morning and realized what a neat sound the rain makes when it hits the maple leaves that are all over the sidewalks and grass . And , in the woods next to our house . . . the sounds that the rain makes as it hits all the trees and water . It 's an amazing thing . I 'm grateful for rainbows . In the midst of the gloomy day , the sky opened up and an enormous rainbow appeared , making everything look beautiful . I 'm grateful for extra - strength , fast acting Tylenol . LOL ! Every night , when I collapse , I thank my husband for letting us get a new bed a few years ago . It 's like sleeping on a cloud . And , finally , my dog . I 'm thankful that she picked me at that adoption fair four years ago . I am going to enter my daughter into the GBoWR . I am convinced that she broke a world record today . Figgy : ( ALL . DAY . LONG . ) MOM ! Moooooooooom ! Mom , mom , mom , mom , mooooom , mom , momma ! Me : ( making breakfast in the kitchen ) Yes , Figgy ? Figgy : * runs off , giggling * * 5 minutes later * Figgy : MOOOOOOOOOM ! Momma ! Momma , come ! Mom , mom , mom , mom , mom ! Me : ( running out of the bathroom ) What , honey ? What 's wrong ? Figgy : * giggles * No complaints here , though . I waited my entire life to hear those words . ( Check back with me in another week . ) I 'm really at a loss , here . I think most of you that read this know the history with my in - laws . It was a year of pure hell , really , with a huge blow - up at the kid 's first birthday party . My mother - in - law picked a fight with me in the cul - de - sac and I drew the line and cut off all contact . I pushed my husband to continue his relationship with them , but made it clear that , until they could respect our marriage and the fact that we are adults and make our own decisions - and until they could respect ME , then there would be no contact with myself or the kids . Several marriage counseling sessions later , my husband understood where I was coming from and we started working towards telling his parents what exactly we had issues with and working towards setting boundaries with them . In September , we agreed to meet them for dinner . At this point , it had been 9 months since we had spoken . As expected , the in - laws were defensive and immediately told us that they didn 't do anything wrong and that we were blowing everything out of proportion . The only thing they admitted to being disrespectful was constantly being late . ( We 're not talking 15 minutes here and there , we 're talking hours . On one occassion , they were 2 . 5 hours late for dinner . ) My mother - in - law also made it very clear that I broke her heart , that she would never forgive me ( touche ) and that she never did and never will trust me . All of this , of course , I knew and had always told my husband . So , at the end of all of this , I agreed to give them another chance and to let them see the kids . That occurred about a month later and , true to form , they were 45 minutes late . They showed up carrying gifts for the kids and stayed about 2 hours . It was an incredibly uncomfortable situation , but I did my best . I made them come to us because I wanted it to be on our terms and to do what was best for the kids ( their home , their comfort zone ) . It has been over a month and a half and we haven 't heard from them . I should say , they live 35 minutes away . In all , my stepmom in Oregon Posted by Ethan : MOM ! Me : Yes , Ethan ? Ethan : * grunting * Me : Ethan , are you pooping ? Ethan : Huh ? * grunt * Me : Are you pooping ? Ethan : Yes . I love my kids . LOL ! Simple gratitude today . . . I 'm grateful for any help I receive when dealing with the twins . My mom had off today so we headed to the mall ( my LEAST favorite place in the world ) for her to do some shopping . After a little bit of shopping , we headed down to the indoor play area . Normally , I hit this super early in the morning after a mall walking stint ( before the mall opens ) because there isn 't anyone else there and I don 't have to stress out about watching two little ones in a sea of children . Today , however , it was nearing lunch time and there must have been 50 little kids . Do you have any idea how easy it was with another set of eyes ? ! ? ! When the twins were first born , I was adamant about not accepting help because I wanted to do it all on my own and get myself into a routine . Now ? Puh - lease ! Help me ! LOL ! So , yeah . My gratitude for the day is the help I receive from family . And a quick few pics of our leaf playing this weekend . . . Is it really only 9 : 12 ? ! ? ! It feels like midnight ! So , I have a pretty weird family layout . My folks divorced ( thank you ! ) when I was in the 4th grade and , though it felt like the end of the world at the time , it turned out to be the best thing that could have ever happened to us . I rebelled against my mom , however , and ended up moving with my dad and his new wife for several years . Mom and I just didn 't see eye to eye and had some serious issues between us . I was so blessed , however , that this wonderful woman that had been a part of my dad 's life stepped up to the plate . I remember the conversation we had one evening where she sat across from me and said , " I am not here to replace your mom . We only have one mother in our lives and she loves you the best way she knows how . I am here to be whatever you want me to be and I hope that is your friend . " I fought her tooth and nail for so many years . I was cruel to her . I hated her . But , you know what ? She saved my life and taught me that it is possible to love someone even if they 're not your biological child . Her family welcomed us with open arms , as well . It was the first time in my life that I can remember feeling unconditional love . As a matter of fact , it was one of her brothers that walked me down the aisle a few years ago ( with my middle brother on the other side ) . She helped me to see that my own mother had made a lot of changes in her life . She forced me to open my eyes and look at her in a different light so that I was able to see that my mom had , in fact , changed . And , in return , I had to change . It took me a good 6 years to do that , but here I am . I am a better person because I have two mothers who loved me , nurtured me , and taught me the lessons of life . What a wonderful day we had ! Elizabeth woke up at the crack of dawn , which makes me feel like I 'm incredibly old because there were the days when I could party until 6 am , come home , shower and head to work for the day and still function . I was in bed by 1 : 00 , albeit with Ethan laying next to me chatting , but sound asleep by 1 : 30 , I think . Elizabeth woke at 7 : 30 and I thought I was going to die . The sleep crusties were sealing my eyes shut and I think I walked around this morning with partially open eyes . By 10 : 30 , I loaded Ethan up in the car and headed to BJ 's for diapers . Daddy and Elizabeth stayed here and took a nice walk around the neighborhood . Can I just say , though , that toting one child around while running errands is a piece of CAKE ! One child ? Ha ! We had good naps that lasted from about 1 : 20 until 3 : 50 and , when we woke up , my brother and sister - in - law were here with my niece . They were on the front porch , waiting for us to wake up . My brother came in briefly to get the dog and take her outside to play . Thanks , Matt ! We spent an hour with the kids out front , jumping in the leaves and having fun . The neighbors came outside and by the time we left , there were 6 kids under the age of 4 playing out front . At 5 : 00 , we headed to dinner for my mom 's birthday and , much to everyone 's surprise , the kids behaved wonderfully ! Yay ! We were home by 7 : 30 , got the kids in the bathtub , and had them in their jammies and in bed by 8 : 15 . Thank you , honey , for bathing them ! My gratitude today is for the beautiful weather we 've been having the last few days . The temperature has been cool , yet not too cool . It allowed for a beautiful night outside last night in Annapolis . I was able to run around today in long - sleeves and jeans with my flip - flops ! : ) I do adore this time of year , though , when I let the dog out at night and take in the crisp fall air mixed with the scent of fireplaces in the neighborhood . So , that midnight meltdown that Ethan had ? He was standing in his crib , hysterical and waiting for someone to open his door . The moment I picked him up , he snuggled into me and held on for dear life . As I crawled back into bed with him ( I know , don 't judge . . . I was tired ) , all he wanted to do was chat . The ceiling fan was on in our room and , though it was pitch black , he could see it . So , he laid there whispering , " Fan . Round , round , round , round . . . mommy . . . fan . . . round , round , round . " I think that 's all he wanted , just to make sure mommy was home and to tell me about his night . I laid there with him for about 15 minutes and Jason took him back to his room . Once there , he put up a fuss for about 5 minutes and drifted back to dreamland . Too bad his sister doesn 't get the value of sleeping in ! : ) My gratitude today is for my mother . We spent many , many years estranged but after a lot of hard work , she is a major part of my life and the lives of my children . She is my best friend . She is my confidant . ( I am blessed to have two mothers , by the way . ) Without her , we wouldn 't have a roof over our heads and the understanding of just what unconditional love and acceptance is about . She is a strong woman and I only hope to be 1 / 2 the woman she is someday . I cried like a baby tonight ; they were tears of joy . Jason and I were heading out the door to go to Annapolis to meet up with our dear friends at the local pub to listen to live music , something we try to do every few months . It 's hard because it 's a good hour and a half up there on a Friday night and traffic can be a bear . Anyway , it has been three months since our last get together . As I 've mentioned the past few days , Elizabeth has been increasingly affectionate . Up until tonight , when she wanted to tell you that she loved you , she said , " I do , I do . " Well , as we were heading out the door , I said , " Bye guys ! I love you ! " Elizabeth looked up at me and said , " Bye - bye , momma ! Love you ! " I started squealing and cheering and the tears just flowed . There is nothing else in this world that has ever made me feel the way I felt tonight . It 's now 12 : 43 in the morning and Ethan is having a midnight meltdown . I can 't tell if it 's because he threw his blankie out of his crib or if he can tell that I 'm home . 5 more minutes and I 'll go rescue him . Good night everyone ! I 'm really struggling right now . We are so deep in a hole , financially , that we will never get out of it . And , when I say that , I truly mean it . Sure , we 'll be debt free as far as credit cards and car payments in a few years , but the student loans are there for 30 years and it is impossible to meet those payments . Right now , our monthly payment is more than 50 % of our monthly income . The phone is ringing off the hook from Sallie Mae . I 've made small payments ( huge for us , but nowhere near what they want ) , but it 's not good enough . We 've had 12 months of forbearances , total . We 're entitled to 12 more . The girl that called tonight ( one of 8 ) sent me another forbearance application . We have to pay $ 50 to get that taken care of . We can 't continue to do this ; interest racks up each month and we now owe the equivalent of a home . I lay in bed every night tossing and turning because I just don 't see an end to this . I 've told my husband many times that I secretly wish something awful would happen to me because they 'd be so much better off without me . The life insurance would take care of it all and allow them a comfortable cushion . Obviously , I 'm not talking suicide as they 'd not get a penny and would be worse off . I just honestly don 't see a way out of it . I am so lost and feel like I 'm struggling to keep my head above the water . We 're going to get to a point where they garnish our wages , I 'm afraid . And , if that happens and they actually get 50 % ? We won 't be able to raise the kids . . . I 've talked to an attorney and it 's impossible to file bankruptcy on student loans since they changed the laws a few years back . And , we don 't qualify for bankruptcy on the other stuff because we aren 't that much in debt . Seriously , we have one credit card and a car loan . The other two loans are medical stuff from what insurance refused to cover . It makes me sick to my stomach . : ( On a positive note , since I said I 'd do it , I do have my gratitude for the day . Sorry for the bummer above , but I need a place to get it out and since I have familPosted by After a hellish hour with the kids that left me feeling like I was going to pull their hair out , along with all of mine , I decided to steal an idea that Lynn has started . For the next 25 days , I will post a gratitude post each day . No matter what goes on in our lives , there is ALWAYS a bright spot to be thankful for . Always . Today , I am grateful for my kind , caring husband . I have never met any man more gentle than he is . His touch , his words , his entire demeanor . . . he is a gentle giant with me . He will curl up in bed with me and rub my head and back until I fall asleep . He knows how much I love to have the inside of my arms touched softly . And I love that he tells me how much he loves me each and every day . We may not have money or a home of our own , but we have each other and that 's all I 've ever wanted . I am simply amazed as I look at these two . Our room is covered in pictures of Figgy and The Professor and I lay in bed at night and have a hard time remembering those days so long ( and not so long ) ago . The picture above our desk is one of the two of them crawling towards the camera , smiling those " trouble " smiles . The one above our bed is their first professional portrait , black and white , at 6 weeks . They were our miracles - they are our miracles . I remember so clearly that cold , foggy winter day in January when we crawled into the car , anxious and bubbling with excitement and anticipation . We had no idea how much our lives were about to change , no matter how prepared we thought we were and how desperately we had wanted these babies . I remember laying in the prep room as the nurses tried ( one last exhausting time ! ) to find their heartbeats and make them stay put for a moment to get a clear reading . It took 2 hours , as with every trip to L & D that we made . I remember the ease of the epidural , the comfort of the nurse that was holding me and talking to me as they stuck that ten foot long needle into my spine . ( Yeah , I know it 's not 10 feet , but it looked like it ! ) I long for those days when I could hold them both with such ease against my chest . They were so little , so dependent and so new . And , now ! Now . . . Figgy tells me no with the greatest of ease and emphasis . She looks at me with that grin in her eyes and smirk on her face as she does exactly what I 've told her 100 times not to do . She bites . She hits . And then she throws herself into the dog bed with the dog and only wants love from Bayleigh . The Professor scratches his fingernails down the wall . . . across the glass . . . dragging his horse along the table as it makes a piercing screetch . He bites his daddy on the toosh - just because . And , after all those temper tantrums and streaks of independence , he throws himself into my arms and snuggles up ; looking up at me and smiling while saying , " maaaama ! " The words were flowing this weekend like I 've never heard them bePosted by I like the smell of fresh cut grass , the first smell of fireplaces in the crisp fall air , strawberry picking , road trips , and running through the sprinkler with my kids . I was a professional clown for several years . I am stubborn , opinionated and painfully shy . I cry at the silliest of times and love commercials . Fall is my favorite time of year . I adore sleep and don 't get enough of it . My kids are the first thing I 've done right in my life , but I still feel like I never seem to do anything good enough . |
This is driving me crazy ! ! Here it is summertime and I don 't have squat to post because my life seems to be in a perpetual holding pattern because of my ERO / EEOC case and the fact that nothing interesting has happened recently . I 'm also not in the mood to continue my biography at the moment because we 're getting to the parts that were really difficult to live through back then . I 'm not sure I want to bring them up to the surface again now . I am finding it very interesting looking at the map that shows from where people who read my blog are . The other day Australia took the lead . So far today the Irish have a substantial lead over the Americans . And what people are reading is even funnier . My reviews of Combat Cash and Mythbusters seem to be the favorites . Someone clicks on them almost every day . So , yeah , I 'm behind in my posting . But when it 's hot and sticky outside and it makes the house all hot and sticky , the last thing I want to do is sit in front of the computer in the hottest room of my house and type some drivel that people may or may not read . I 've also got an appointment with my therapist today , so who knows what goofy crap will come up that will make for decent topics ? Aha ! ! The voices in my head are still going at it . Oh sure , it 's been a few days since they last ranted like this , but I think that 's just because they 've been saving it up for a nice explosion . One where not many people come out happy or unscarred . One where the majority of people who read this won 't give a rat 's ass and others will either be embarrassed , offended , or so confused they won 't know which opinion to choose . Things are just stupid all over and I have no idea why . I hate chaos and disorder except when the disorder is created by me . Then it just looks like disorder to others but I know where everything is and I don 't want anyone touching it . But the past few days / weeks have me remembering more in the continuing story ( which I 'll get back to soon ) and watching things happen that just have me shaking my head in disgust and frustration . Example : Husband read a post by Half - Sister on her Buttleaflet account . She made a comment . He replied to the comment . Nothing offensive , just an opinion . She called him an asshole and de - friended him . So what ? They 're adults and can do whatever they want . What I thought was strange was that she did the de - friending after calling him an asshole and that prevents him from seeing it . He didn 't know that she 'd responded until I was on my account and saw what was posted . Not that either of them care , I 'm sure - they 've never gotten along for a laundry list of reasons ( some I know and some I don 't ) and I don 't think either one feels slighted and / or vindicated by the actions . So it seemed strange to me when I was reviewing my account online today and found that one of my Sisters - in - Law had de - friended me . This was weird because quite a while ago we 'd had a bit of a difference of opinion regarding something I 'd posted somewhere and what she typed to me hurt my feelings . I let her know how I felt and she replied and I realized that we were both reading way too much into things ( which we both admitted ) and mutually apologized to each other . Just recently I 'd been seeing posts from my niece but nothing from her mom . I thought maybe she was just being unusually quiet recently and had even received an email from a mutual friend wondering if she was okay . Now I know why I 've not seen anything . Am I sad ? A bit because we were close in age and had a lot of things in common and always have enjoyed each other 's company . But , if that 's her choice , then I have to respect it . So , all of the voices are now trying to get me to continue with the retelling of my story ( ' cause we 're getting to some of the juicy parts ) and argue over whether or not being able to contact family members online is a good thing or a bad thing and lamenting over yesterday being Mothers ' Day and not hearing from Eldest Son . He sent a brief text , but that 's all . I don 't want a parade or anything like that but he doesn 't call or return messages anymore . He didn 't say or do anything for his step - father 's birthday and the last time I sent him info about what Youngest Son was doing he seemed disinterested . I always take his calls , regardless if I 'm at work or in an appointment . Just as long as answering my phone won 't cause a dangerous situation ( like when I 'm driving ) I answer because I worry about him being far away from home . But is it " home " to him ? He lives closer to his biological father and paternal grandparents who give him everything he wants . I see him for maybe a week around the Christmas holidays when I pay for the Amtrak tickets to get him here and back . He should be graduating from college soon and I certainly don 't want to miss that , but I can 't get an answer out of him when I ask when he thinks he 'll be done . He used to call me for everything - even issues I couldn 't solve for him but he knew that I 'd give him my best advice and intelligent options for him to weigh . Now it 's nothing . No texts . No calls . No emails . And he dropped Buttleaflet and the other thing with a plus sign after it when he wasn 't interested in it either . I don 't really know what to think about much of anything anymore . I make up my own mind and have my own opinions and invariably someone gets offended . I explain that my opinions are just that - mine - and that anyone who is offended should ( 1 ) say something to me so that I understand that their opinion is different than mine and we can come to a mutual understanding that I 'll have mine and they 'll have theirs and be respectful of it or ( 2 ) be quiet about it if all they 're going to do is try to shove their opinion down my throat and tell me what an awful person I am for thinking or believing the way I do . I have seen and experienced a lot of things I 'd never wish on anyone else . I have friends who have seen and experienced a lot of things - some thousands of times worse than anything I 've had - that they 'd never wish on anyone else as well . We all come from a damaged background in one way or another . It was different when people lived tens / hundreds / thousands of miles away from each other and only called / wrote every now - and - then . With the Internet , everyone is in everyone else 's business 24 / 7 and people don 't understand that sarcasm / humor / anger / despair won 't translate well through printed words . So we all ( and , yes , I include myself in this ) jump to a conclusion based on what we see and what we believe that person would say / do / think . I try to make a point of stepping - back and thinking about what I 've read and how it could be interpreted different ways . I 've been doing that with a lot of things from my past recently , too . That 's one of the reasons the voices in my head keep telling me to write more and get things down on paper . It 's not to beg for pity or to embarrass someone else by airing anyone 's dirty laundry . It 's trying to see things objectively and get them out of my system once and for all . The voices have been rummaging through the cabin trunks in my brain to clear out the crap and make more space for the penguins ( if you 're a Douglas Adams fan you 'll get that reference ) . So now that I 've gotten that mess out of the way for now , I 'll pick up where we left - off in the story . My parents decided to divorce and the summer between my 4th and 5th grade years of school they took me on a really long " family " vacation . Then they waited until the summer between my 5th and 6th grade years to actually finalize the divorce while I was away at summer camp . I talked briefly about 6th grade but it needs more information . Not only was I again attending a school where my biological father was the principal but his mistress was the school secretary there as well . Oh joy . As if I needed further reminders of how much my life was going into the crapper . But , I was an honor student and was meeting even more people because the school district had two elementary schools and the students from both combined into one class during 6th grade . Yay … . not only did I have the ones who knew me and knew my dad was the principal but I had a whole new set who would look at me as if I was the privileged one because my dad was the principal . I can assure you that being " privileged " was far from the truth . Some of my teachers liked me because I was a good student and I worked hard . Some of my teachers just outright hated me because they didn 't like my father or his mistress or both and were determined to make my life hell and were upset that they couldn 't fail me because I made high grades in all of my classes . There was an instance , however , where people felt I was being given too much privilege during my 6th grade year . Previously I mentioned that I began playing the flute in band in 4th grade . When I finally made it to the middle school where grades 6 - 8 attended , my father said that he was going to try to get me into the beginning band ( 7th grade ) because I 'd already had band experience . He also knew that I was going to be bored to death in the 6th grade music class because I 'd already learned to play the recorder and the keyboarding part of the year would be equally as boring since I 'd been taking piano lessons since 1st grade . One afternoon , my father told me to bring my flute to school with me the next day and I would be allowed to play with the woodwind class . I happily entered the classroom the next day and was excited to get back to playing . The band instructor said that it was " Challenge Day " and we would have to play a section from the book to see who would be placed in which chair based on our performances . The students in the classroom had already been playing together and were in their " chairs " so I was told to take the last seat and would play first . I played the piece from the book ( which was the exact same book I 'd already completed in 4th grade ) and did better than the person next to me , so I took her chair and moved up the line . This continued over and over again . Each time I would play , then the next student would play , and then I would be moved up another ranking by taking their " chair . " Finally , I had moved all the way from last chair to second chair . This is when I got really , really nervous because the person in first chair wasn 't just the child of my 6th grade science teacher but was also a boy . I 'd not played against a boy before and I 'd heard that he was very , very good . He took lessons from the same piano teacher I had started with in our new town and if he could play the flute half as good as he played piano I knew I had no chance . I was so nervous and I actually made a mistake while playing the same line that I 'd been playing all day . He , however , played it perfectly and remained in the top spot . I was humbled and highly impressed at the same time . I didn 't even get to finish the week . Word spread quickly of what I 'd done and how I 'd nearly unseated the top player in the class . How dare I , just a simple 6th grader with 2 years of previous playing experience , walk into a classroom of older children who happened to live in a district that didn 't allow them to begin band ( in school , they could have taken private lessons though ) until they were 7th graders and do so well ? How could this happen ? Who would allow it ? After enough teachers and parents complained , my father wouldn 't allow it . He yanked me out of that class faster than I could think possible . He tried telling me it was for my own good that I stayed with my " regular " classmates but I knew better . He was always trying to be popular with everyone and if someone said something negative about me being in band , he took it as a personal assault on his character . It never mattered if I excelled at something - if someone said or even thought anything negative he would immediately stop me from doing whatever it was so that people would think highly of him . And it just wasn 't in school that he did this . He enrolled me in golf lessons at the local country club . I wasn 't the least bit interested in playing golf the way he was . He bought himself the newest Jack Nicklaus " Golden Bear " clubs and made sure that he was seen playing with anyone he thought could get him viewed in a more positive light . I had a teeny kids ' set with a 3 - wood , a 9 - iron , and a putter in a vinyl bag . Yeah … . that was going to get me into the LPGA someday . I suffered through the lessons and one day went with him to play a round at the country club . I 'd never played all 18 holes but he wanted to be sure he was getting his money 's worth out of my lessons . As predicted , he did much better than I did on every hole ( and he had me teeing - off from the men 's tee instead of the women 's ) . Every hole … . except one . There was one hole that had the longest par 5 on the front - nine and from a short kid 's perspective seemed to go straight up instead up a sloping hill . I got there in par - a feat I was never able to reproduce but I was thrilled . My father did not fare as well . It took him more strokes to complete the hole than I 'd made but he was still ahead in the game . It didn 't matter to him . That wasn 't even the last hole on the front - nine . He was angry . No , he was pissed - off in a way I 'd not seen for quite a while . He was shocked that I beat him on that hole . He couldn 't fathom the idea that a young kid could get lucky ( with a bit of training ) and make a par on that hole when he couldn 't . Immediately , he said he was done and didn 't want to play anymore . Just like a spoiled child , he took his toys and said I couldn 't play in his sandbox anymore . He wouldn 't finish the entire game . He wouldn 't finish the front - nine . He never asked me to play again . So , with my broken family and the semi - acceptance of " friends " from school and church and my mother 's depression and ranting at me as if I was the cause of everything evil in the world , what was I supposed to do ? If no one was happy seeing me or wanted me around , why should I be ? But , I wasn 't quite ready to give up breathing yet . Summer was coming and my favorite thing was just around the corner - summer camp in Mississippi . I escaped to Mississippi by begging my mother to take me a day earlier than usual and spending the night in the nearest town so that I could arrive very , very early the next morning . All of the campers were allowed to pick the cabins they wanted to stay in , the hobbies they wanted to learn , and the bible classes they wanted to attend . But , all of those were first - come , first - served . If you weren 't there early enough in the line , you didn 't get anything you wanted . I needed this to be a good summer . She agreed and we went early so that I could be one of the first in line . I knew that my second week I would get pretty much anything I wanted because they would allow me to pick my cabin / hobby / class before the others would register so that I could help show people around the camp , answer questions , and make sure that parents were comfortable leaving their kids . I even had one father who , when he heard the name of my hometown , demanded that I look - after his daughter ' cause she 'd never been away from home and anyone from where I was from had to be " good people . " I said that I wasn 't a babysitter and that she 'd be fine but we were going to be staying in the same cabin so at least she 'd have a friend from day one there . We actually got along and had a blast that week she was there . During lunchtime , all of the campers would get excited about mail call . Some kids were shipped items they 'd forgotten from home . Some kids got care packages from their families as if being in the middle of the forest prevented them from obtaining decent food . ( We got decent food , and lots of it ! ) Some would get letters from boyfriends / girlfriends back home but most never received any . I usually didn 't get mail because it would take 3 days to get there from where I lived and by the time a letter would arrive I 'd either ( 1 ) have already been able to call home on the weekend ( ' cause campers weren 't allowed to call except in emergencies during the week ) and found out everything or ( 2 ) I 'd have left after the second week . This year , though , there was a letter for me . I was stunned . The Camp Director enjoyed teasing the kids by pretending there were things written on the outside of the envelope , usually the gooey - eyed type of phrases people thought that people in love would say to each other . It always got a big laugh and usually helped whomever received the letter he chose to play with feel better . My family and I were good friends with him , so when he saw this letter I became the target of his humor . It was funny and I proudly walked through all of the applause and laughter to receive my letter . I sat on my bunk in the cabin and read the letter . I couldn 't believe what I was seeing . I still have the letter somewhere in my house . I 've packed it away with other important items but made sure that I 've put it somewhere where I won 't casually find it but also where it will remain for a long time because it was a great turning point in my life . I don 't really remember much after that . I was shocked and hurt . To think that he purposefully didn 't want me to know what was going on was the worst . I can only remember them coming to pick me up in his diesel Chevette and me being crammed into the middle of the back seat between her kids ( both of whom I was older than by many years ) for the 8 - hour drive back home . No stopping except if they wanted to stop . No eating anywhere except where they wanted to eat . It was if coming to get me was a huge chore and not an attempt to help mend any wounds or begin to create a family . I couldn 't stand it . It still makes me ill to think about it . I was ignored the whole way back and dumped - off unceremoniously at my house . " Well , " I remember thinking to myself one day around that time , " this is it . Mom 's mad because she 's divorced and has me to take care of on her own and Dad 's being a jerk as usual except he 's rubbing it in my face with his new ' son ' ( step - son , actually ) that he 's always wanted . What 's the point anymore ? " I went to the church camp sponsored by our local church that summer as well . Fortunately , they drove a bus to get us out there and back so I didn 't have to suffer either of my parents ' unwillingness to deal with me . I tried to have fun and I remember our group of girls ( we were divided by age and gender ) doing well on contests , but there were many who didn 't want me in their group . And I dreaded every day having one or both of my parents showing - up to give me some additional news that should have been told in person but was just haphazardly typed - out in a letter . It didn 't happen and I don 't think I could have stood it if it did . Well , poop … . looked at the clock and all of my time is gone again . The voices are still trying to cram words down my arms and to my fingers on the keyboard but I 've got errands to run . Need to get things done or Husband will be irritated that I stayed inside all day again . I know he says he 's not but I also know that it does upset him because I used to be very outgoing and my disabilities are not getting better . Maybe in the long - run this " therapy " I 'm trying with these posts will help . So … yeah … . the voices are still going and I 've got loose ends from yesterday that I 've got to tie up . I just got back to the house from my therapist 's office . She told me she got my application for disability request and was completing the information for them . I 'm sure she 's got more to add today since I described to her about ( 1 ) the " rule of thumb " for hazardous materials incidents ( if you can 't stretch your arm out to full length , look down the length of it and cover the entire object that 's leaking the material with your thumb , you 're too close ) , ( 2 ) how the length of your forearm ( from the bend in your elbow to the bend of your wrist ) is the same size as your foot , ( 3 ) the fact that I found a new show to watch the other night on H2 ( used to be History International ) called " 10 Things You Don 't Know " and how it 's now a challenge for me to see if they can come up with things I don 't already know ( the one on Hitler I knew all of them ) , and ( 4 ) how I not only applied for disability as she suggested but I also applied for a temporary job at the same disability office . That ought to confuse them . Oh , and when I was talking about the " 10 Things You Don 't Know " episode they did on Caligula and how I knew most but not all , she had a strange look on her face because she didn 't know who he was . I find myself often having to explain what I 'm explaining to her because I forget that there are people who don 't collect every bit of knowledge they have and store it somewhere until it 's triggered by something else and pops its way to the forefront of my mind . Today was a lot of those little " side - story " kind of days where my brain didn 't want to stay on - topic . Oh , and I gave her a copy of the first part of this " log " ( for lack of a better word ) to put into my file . That ought to show them I 'm nice and bat - shit crazy enough for disability . Probably not , but who knows ? Anyway , back to where I 'd left off yesterday . I needed to explain how I 'd " retaken " the fifth grade . After my stellar grades in Kindergarten and the same happening in 1st grade , my biological father informed us that we were moving to a new town where he was going to be the principal of the elementary school . I remember my parents trying to find a house to rent in the small town where the school was located so that we could live there during the week and in our permanent house on the weekends . The house they found had a lot of issues and we ended up not living there . I was happy because I remember going to run the water in the bathtub and it all came out black . That 's not because the house had crappy pipes ; that 's because the whole town had crappy pipes . Even at the school you weren 't really sure what color the water in the toilet would be after you flushed it and washing your hands could sometimes make them look worse than before . I don 't even want to go into the drinking fountains . Even though we didn 't move to the town , my dad was insistent that I attend school there because that 's where he would be and , at the time , my mother was going back to college for her second degree . This time , she was majoring in education and was going to be a teacher at the school as well . She ended up in the junior high / high school part and we moved away from that district before I ever reached those grades , so I never had her as a teacher . I did substitute teach years ago and would often get called to teach her classes , but that 's another story for another time . Since my father was the elementary school principal and realized that I 'd been very advanced ( and bored ) in school where I had been attending , he made the decision along with my 2nd grade teacher that I should be promoted to the 3rd grade . Once I finished all of the lessons in the spelling workbook I was officially moved - up into the 3rd grade classroom and took all of my classes with them . I moved along with those students from 3rd grade to 4th grade and then 5th grade , even though I was still considered only a 2nd grade , 3rd grade , and 4th grade student . I did all of the work and made the honor roll in the classes that were a year advanced of where I should have been . I didn 't mind because I was able to learn more at my own pace and do things more advanced than the others . But when I was chronologically a 5th grade student , we moved school districts . My father had gotten a job in another town as the middle school ( junior high ) principal and would be overseeing the 6th - 8th grade classes . I was at summer camp in Mississippi for two weeks when they came to pick me up and announced that we were going " home " and we arrived in a town I 'd only visited before after taking a LONG summer vacation ( more on that later ) . They 'd found a house and moved our stuff an hour away from where we had lived before . It was sad because I did have one friend that I would hang - out with and I was going to miss her . Most of my other friends I 'd had in Kindergarten and 1st grade had moved - on without me because even though I lived in the town , since I didn 't go to the same school I didn 't exist . The new town was a lot bigger and much different from where I 'd lived or gone to school ! In my previous school , I was in the minority as a white person . In the new town , that 's all I could find ! Other kids thought I was crazy when I asked where the black students were and why no one was friends with any . The house my parents had rented was just temporary until they bought a new one - and it was brand new ! The local trade school had built it and the home economics department decorated it . The house was auctioned and we ended up winning it . It was a nice house on a nice street and I had a nice neighbor - a gal that I 'd met in 2nd grade until she 'd moved away and now we were living next door to each other . So , at least I had a friend when I got there . I thought for sure I 'd be going to the middle school but my father didn 't want me standing out from the crowd too much . I asked about band because I 'd begun playing the flute in 4th grade band and wanted to continue . In the new town , students weren 't allowed to start band until 7th grade . Even though I 'd had a year behind me , I wasn 't going to be allowed to play . And I wasn 't going to be allowed to go to the middle school because my father decided that it would be better if I stayed with the students my own age . So , I had to " retake " the 5th grade . Even the textbooks were the same as we used in my old school ! I mentioned this to my parents and the teachers but no one would budge . So , I did 5th grade again and then finally moved to junior high . Oh , remember me mentioning that my parents moved while I was at summer camp ? That wasn 't the only shocking thing that happened while I was away from home , but the camp I attended in Mississippi was a religious camp , 8 hours away from home , and I loved every minute of it each year that I went . The first year I went I was 9 ( the youngest age they allowed ) and I was only allowed to stay for one week since my parents weren 't sure how well I 'd get along on my own . My friend Russell and some other guys from our church went as well . We knew about the summer camp because it was the same place in the winter where men from around the country would go for a religious deer hunting retreat . My dad would always bring home a buck and a doe and he and his friends would spend hours in our garage hanging the deer and dressing them . I loved watching it and wanted to help . When I was 8 years old , he returned from his week - long retreat with the deer and a BB gun for me . I was in heaven ! And , since it was close to Christmas , I knew what I 'd be doing out in the snow . And , no , I never shot my eye out or killed anything with it . But , boy , I could sure hit the back of an old heavy aluminum Dutch oven hanging on the back fence ! The " thwing ! " that BB made as it ricocheted off the metal and into who knows what direction was thrilling . Of course , this was back in the day when parents would let their kids have BB guns , you could use a BB gun in the city limits legally , no safety equipment was worn , and no one concerned themselves about the return trajectory of the BBs as they " thwinged " themselves off of metal objects . I loved my first year at summer camp . I got to swim in the pool and tried to water ski on the lake but just ended up being dragged around on my face . I met a lot of people from all over the southern United States who had absolutely NO idea what I was saying because I was a " Yankee " and didn 't have the Southern Twang that was needed to communicate . I also took horsemanship classes and got to take care of a horse and rode it every day . I was so busy having fun that I forgot that the large suitcase of clothing and personal items I brought with me included a brush and other objects with which to clean myself . I don 't remember it but my parents had a good time teasing me when they came to pick all of us up at the end of the week that I looked liked I 'd gone wild because I forgot to brush my hair the entire time I was there . At least I swam and the chlorine in the pool could count as " bathing " more than what Russell did . He completely forgot to bathe or change clothes the entire time . We were both sent back to our respective cabins before we were allowed in the car with the other guys to return home . We were all crammed in the station wagon - a big Oldsmobile full - sized station wagon with plenty of room in the back for our luggage , vinyl bench seats , and fake wood trim along the sides . My parents and I sat in the front ( me in the middle with my feet on the " hump " ) and the two older boys shoved Russell into the middle of the back seat between them . On the way to the main road from the camp was a very winding road that was gorgeous but wasn 't optimal for people with a tendency to have motion sickness . Russell was one of those . We heard a strange noise and then my mother and I looked over our shoulders into the back seat where we saw each of the teenage boys pressed as close to the doors as they could get while shouting that Russell was being sick all over the floor . And he was - and not just the floor . We had to pull over on the side of a barely two - lane gravel road and get Russell changed and try to clean up the sick . Thank goodness for those vinyl seats . I never returned with the other guys and Russell to summer camp . Each year until I was 16 I went on my own . I 'd stay for two weeks and have the time of my life . My maternal grandparents even bought me a joke book on " How to Speak Southern " which I actually used as a translation guide and my second year there people could understand me . I 'd pack my dad 's old Navy trunk with enough clothes and books and other things to keep me occupied on rainy days and looked forward to going every year . And after we 'd moved and I started my new school , I became even more desiring of being there because it was somewhere I could be happy . They packed my trunk into the back of our 1980 Chevrolet Chevette along with the luggage they 'd brought which was much more than for a one - night stay eight hours away from home . I thought something was up and my suspicions were correct . After we 'd headed up the twisty road towards the main road , my parents announced that we 'd be going on vacation . With both of them being teachers , we had all summer so I sat in the back seat with my dog and watched the miles go by . We traveled through Mississippi , across Alabama , and finally stopped in Georgia . We visited Atlanta and went to the Six Flags park there . I remember having to stand in line for an hour to get my hand stamped with a time to return so I could stand in line some more to get to ride the new Thunder River ride . My dad complained the entire time but I was just glad to be having some fun . We also visited Stone Mountain while we were in Georgia and I really , really enjoyed seeing and learning a lot about it . We ventured north into South Carolina and I remember we stopped in Maggie Valley , North Carolina one night . There was a HUGE water slide there and I 'd never been on one before . I begged my parents to let me try it and while my mom wasn 't a big fan of being in a swimsuit in public at the time , my dad agreed and bought passes for the two of us . This wasn 't a fiberglass water slide like you see these days - it was concrete and built into the ground ( which pleased my mother because that summer she had seen too many reports of water slides collapsing at parks and people getting hurt ) . There were two tracks - one was short and fast and the other was longer but had bigger drops . We were given neoprene mats and told to be sure to hold on to them tightly as we traveled down the chutes . I loved it ! It was like an open roller coaster and I wanted to go faster and faster . My father , however , thought he 'd show me some " moves " that would be " cool " and I remember seeing him leave the top of the slide , the mat coming down the slide , him coming down the slide on the rough concrete , and then a large " splash " in the pool at the bottom and him saying that he wasn 't going to slide anymore . Oh , and Mercurochrome was located for the scrapes he had . After spending time in North Carolina we ventured towards the Virginias and the Smokey Mountains . We got to see bears on the side of the road and made a side - stop in Knoxville , Tennessee during the 1982 World 's Fair . I 've heard that it 's been listed as one of the worst World 's Fairs of all time and I 'm here to say that I wholeheartedly agree . Everything was about the environment and new technologies such as solar and wind power . It was also extremely crowded and , of course , my dad complained the entire time . He and my mother even had a very loud argument in the parking lot on our way to the gates that for all she cared he could sit in the car by himself while she took me inside to see and learn new things . Every country 's pavilion we wanted to visit had a line at least two hours long and many , like the Chinese and American pavilions , had lines for you to wait to get your hand stamped with a time at which you would come back and stand in line again and wait to get inside to see the exhibits . It was hot . They 'd paved over a huge park to install the World 's Fair which looking back seems like a really stupid thing to do if you 're trying to talk about saving the environment . Everything was expensive and , as usual , my dad complained even more loudly as the day continued . The only pavilion we visited was the Canadian exhibit because ( 1 ) it had a shorter line and ( 2 ) it advertised that it was air - conditioned . When we got to the front of the line , the air conditioning was no longer working . I don 't really remember anything from their exhibit because my dad dragged us through there as quickly as possible because he was getting sick from the heat . My mother and I found a building where people were exiting out the back doors and suddenly felt the cool refreshing breeze of air conditioning . Not caring what exhibit it was , we darted inside and , yes , made sure my dad came too . It was full of computerized exhibits and video games and everything " futuristic " you could think of at the time . I remember Nintendo had a HUGE area where there were Donkey Kong games lined - up side - by - side and each one was being played by someone who , like me , had never played a video game like that before . We stayed inside the cool building for a while so that we could rest and recharge before going back into the sweltering heat . We stayed in Pigeon Forge , Tennessee and I ended up sick with a fever for a couple of days which threw - off some of the plans they 'd made . After I was better we went to Louisville , Kentucky where an old Navy buddy of my father 's lived with his wife . My parents had been friends with them for years and we 'd visited them once when they lived in Iowa . Now he was a big attorney for General Electric and we were invited to come and stay with them for a while . We toured Louisville . I got to see the original pot in which The Colonel made his first batch of Kentucky Fried Chicken and the " safe " where the secret recipe was " kept . " We all also ventured to Indiana and visited Santa Claus Land in Santa Claus , Indiana . This is WAY before it became Holiday World and Splashin ' Safari ! ! Santa Claus Land was basically a cheap carnival with exhibits and stores where every day , 365 days a year , it was Christmas . Some poor fool had to sit on a throne in an overstuffed Santa costume for hours a day in the middle of summer and listen to kids tell him what they wanted for Christmas or scream their heads off in terror because they didn 't know who he was . My favorite memory was my dad trying to tease my mother into riding the Tilt - a - Whirl because she gets motion sickness very easily . He kept teasing and taunting and finally she agreed that we three would ride it together . After it ended , I had a wonderful view of my father leaning against a large pine tree throwing up everything he 'd eaten and complained was too expensive at the park . I wanted to take a picture for posterity but decided I 'd be safer if I didn 't . After Santa Claus Land we went to Squire Boone Caverns in Corydon , Indiana and I fell in love with caves . Oh , I knew I was claustrophobic and afraid of heights and falling ( which wasn 't ideal since one of the first things you cross is a very large chasm that seems to have no bottom on a very small bridge ) . But I loved going through the cave and seeing new things each time . My parents and their friends waited outside while I went on tour after tour . When we all went together we made sure to pose for the " obligatory " photo at the beginning thAfter the long vacation , we went to our new home , I started my new school , and things started to change a lot . My mother was attending graduate school to receive her Master 's of Education and my dad was busy at the middle school many evenings . I 'd be at home by myself ( remember , this was back when you could do that and not be scared of someone snatching your kid ) and he 'd tell me that if I had problems with my homework to call him at the school . I wasn 't sure what he was doing there but I know that he didn 't answer the phone when I would call . I guessed back then that he thought I 'd be able to do all of the work on my own or figure it out and would never need to call him ' cause I had no idea where he was . When he came home he 'd tell me he was at the school but I had my suspicions that he was never fucking there . Well , he might have been fucking there - but that 's an image I don 't want in my mind . It 's bad enough when you come to grips with the fact that your parents had to have had sex at least once to get you into the world , much less any more than that . ( Told you I could swear and this is where it 's necessary . ) No , my dad had introduced me to his secretary and she had introduced me to her family . She had two kids ( a boy and a girl , both younger than me ) and I absolutely loved her parents . They treated me as one of their own . My mother and I would go out and pick blackberries and corn and other fruits and vegetables on their farm and in their gardens . We were welcomed with open arms and they loved having me visit and go fishing or riding three - wheelers with them . They even gave me my own rabbit to raise ( which had to be put - down after it ate its babies ) and taught me to milk cows and work with other farm animals . It was great ! Then it happened . I went to summer camp and came home to a changed house . My dad had been having an affair with his secretary and my parents had decided to divorce . Being the naive kid I was , I thought the reason my dad had moved his stuff into the guest bedroom during the year was because he snored too loud and he was often up late at night typing his thesis for his Specialist 's in Education degree . To me , it seemed logical that he stay in there where we could close the door on him when we wanted quiet so we could sleep . I had no idea that was the first step in him moving - out . I went to camp with married parents and came back a child of divorce . They 'd decided to do it while I was gone so I wouldn 't have to speak in front of the judge and so I 'd be happier . That 's what they said , anyway . My 6th grade year was controversial just like my 5th grade year . I was meeting new people and finding that being the principal 's daughter did get you invited to a lot of the best parties and events in town but only so people could say that I was there , not that they really wanted me there . I 'd often find myself in the corner alone watching everyone else participating or I 'd try to get out there and dance or play the games or whatever they were doing and was told indirectly ( and sometimes very directly ) that I wasn 't welcome in what they were doing . It was difficult trying to find a place to fit - in . Everyone knew who I was because everyone knew who my father was . I was in Girl Scouts and played intramural softball and participated a lot with the local youth group at the church we attended . I tried to convince others at church to attend summer camp with me but no one was interested . The church we attended had their own one - week camp they sponsored and I decided to give it a try as well . It wasn 't as much fun , but I was with people I knew from school and hoped for more friendships to grow from it . Of course by now everyone in town knew that my parents had divorced and who my dad was seeing . As I 've said before , I know their marriage had been rocky for a long time but I never dreamed it would end . I didn 't know people who had gotten divorced . Or , if I did , I was never told about it . The " scandal " didn 't help me in winning friends . I hated hearing people whisper , " Do you know who he 's dating ? She 's from that family ! How could he sink so low ? " And it really upset me , too , because her parents had never been anything but kind and loving to me and I had no idea why people were speaking poorly of them . Even after my parents divorced they invited me over and let me have fun fishing or just playing outside . I guess they wanted to help me through the transition as best as they could . In the divorce , my dad gave my mother the house ( with the mortgage ) and one of the cars ( the Chevette that would later become mine ) and he took the money from the bank . And not just his half of the money - ALL of it . And everything in the safe deposit box which included my coin collections he 'd tried to help me start and all of the savings bonds my paternal grandmother had bought me every birthday and Christmas since the day I was born . I 'll never forget one night when my mother was upset over the whole thing . My mom hadn 't been drinking or anything like that . She was just pissed and wanted to yell and scream at someone and , since I was an only child and the only other person in the house , I caught it full - blast . I remember trying to retreat into the kitchen to get away from her screaming and she cornered me . There in the dark , I swear I could see her eyes glowing . She screamed at me , " You 'd just better get used to taking care of yourself because you 're not going to have a mother to come home to ! I 'm so pissed and I don 't give a shit anymore that I just might go and kill that asshole father of yours and maybe his slut and then you 'll be on your own ' cause I 'll be in jail and I don 't give a fuck ! " That was one of the first times I can ever remember being totally speechless . I didn 't know what to do ! She stomped off towards her bedroom and I just stood there with a glass in one hand and my other hand outstretched as I had been preparing to turn on the lights . I just stood there in the dark and I remember hearing my brain " saying " to me , " Yup , got it . That one 's going right in the files with the rest , " as the recorder in my mind turned switched off . I knew she wasn 't serious because I had the only weapon in the house ( my BB gun ) and she didn 't like guns . I didn 't think she even knew how she 'd try to kill someone but I didn 't move for quite a while . I waited until I heard her go into her bedroom before I dared move . She never mentioned it again and I 'm sure she wouldn 't remember doing it now . But it 's definitely stuck in my memory banks . Could be one of the reasons I became depressed my 6th grade year . It could also be the reason that along with another event triggered my first real consideration of suicide , but that story is going to have to wait . Again , I 've sat here for I don 't remember how long ( more than a couple of hours ) and typed as different voices in my head have brought things to the surface . Some I 've had to push back because they 're trying to get me to tell stories out - of - order and , of course , that 's just not my style . OCD is a bitch no matter which way you look at it . Maybe I 'll continue again tomorrow with this . I 'm sure many of the people who read this and know or are in today 's story won 't be happy - but my brain is whirring like a car that 's idling too fast . I know if I don 't do something to slow it down soon it 's going to break . And this is all I have at the moment . I have no idea what the hell is up with me today . My brain has gone into extreme overdrive and now I 've got thoughts and words and feelings and shit ( yes , I can swear and am actually very good at it ) bouncing around in there and they won 't leave me alone . Maybe I 'm finally having a mental breakdown . Maybe I 'm finally having some kind of epiphany that will let me find my " true calling " in the world . Whatever the hell it is , it 's driving me freakin ' nuts and I can 't stand it ! It 's like the voices in my head are trying to get me to write my autobiography . Nice idea but who the hell would want to read it ? I 'm nobody . I 've not done anything fantastic and famous . I 'm just another schmuck on the sidewalk with the rest of the people whose hopes and dreams are dashed by themselves , their problems , their families , their jobs , their government , or any other number of outside and inside forces . Yeah , I 'm sure all of the major bookstores would make lots of prime real estate for a book about me - right in the bottom of the dumpsters . Besides , if I wrote an autobiography I could never get it published because all of the people in it would hate it and what I had to say about them at one point or another , they 'd try to sue me for slander , or I 'd just never get the rights to use their names or likenesses and then my book would have a bunch of blank spaces in it I couldn 't fill . Yeah , that 's going to be interesting reading . So where do I start ? What am I supposed to be doing with this mess in my head ? I didn 't even want to open the word processing program but now I find myself here typing as fast as my fingers will move trying to get onto the page everything at once . And that 's not a good thing to try to do because I have OCD and I have to proofread while I 'm typing and when things are not flowing well my brain starts yelling at me and I have to start over again . I 'm going to try to switch it off for a bit but I can 't guarantee how that 's going to work out . If you don 't hear from me again somewhere in the middle of this diatribe it 's probably ' cause my OCD - blocking caused an aneurysm and I 'm face - down on the keyboard with the dogs wondering why I won 't let them outside . I remember things from when I was little . I told my mother that I swear I remember the green seats on the airplane back from Hawaii to the mainland . I told her once that I have a vivid memory of a bright circle of light in front of me and an ugly green upholstered seat back to my right and I 'm laying down in the seat and can 't say or do anything . She says it 's just me remembering her telling a story about the trip when my family moved from Hawaii to Missouri and she flew with me while my dad was still getting out of the Navy . I don 't remember anything else from then until I opened my eyes after " making a wish " and blowing out the candle on my 3rd birthday cake . I remember that . I remember my brain saying , " We have to remember this . This is an important day . " It was like I 'd switched - on a tape recorder in my brain and I have vague memories of doing that many times when my mind would believe that something was worth remembering . Not like things from school or grocery lists - just places and events that should stick with me for some reason . I was an only child . I say " was " because I do have step - siblings and a half - sister . But biologically , it 's just me . Even though my biological father refuses to acknowledge me anymore and claims the children of his other wives as his kids , I 'm the last of his bloodline and he 's way too old and sick to do anything about it now . Yeah … . he always told me about how awful it was when he was 4 and his father walked - out on his family and then never wanted to have anything to do with him until he 'd remarried and divorced and had a bunch of kids in Utah somewhere and was dying and then tried to call my father for help and support . And my father , being the person he is , was more than happy to tell my biological paternal grandfather to shove it and didn 't give a crap even when I gave him the message sometime in the early 1980s that we 'd gotten a phone call and his dad was dead . Kind of the same thing is happening now , in a way . My biological father wanted a son . He was sure that he 'd have a son . Then I popped out and spoiled his fun . I don 't really know when my parents ' marriage began to fall apart , but I have a feeling that even then things weren 't so good ' cause they decided to not have another child . I don 't know why and no one has ever tried to tell me a reason , so it 's just a guess on my part . But , good ol ' dad knew he 'd have at least a decade before puberty would set - in and make me the daughter he couldn 't pretend I wasn 't . So he taught me about cars and guns and sports and I was the epitome of a tomboy . Oh sure , I had Barbie dolls and other girly toys , but if I was playing with friends , they were usually boys and I loved their toys WAY much more than my stuff . I had a friend , Russell , who lived two streets away and my parents taught school with his parents . Oh yeah , I left that part out . We moved back to Missouri because my dad didn 't want to be in the Navy anymore even though he was offered stations in London , Madrid , or Washington D . C . Nope , he wanted to go back to being a schoolteacher for some insane reason . My mother then became a teacher . Her father was already a teacher . You can see where I 'm going with this . I was doomed from the start to be a teacher in some form or fashion . Anyway , back to Russell . His family and my family were friends and Russell and I were the same age . We stayed at the same babysitter 's house since they didn 't have formal preschool in those days . Sometimes when our parents would go out together in the evenings , they 'd drop us off at the sitter 's house and we 'd either stay until our parents got back or spend the night . Russell and I had a blast together ' cause I 'd been raised so much like a boy by my father that I didn 't mind getting muddy in the yard or trying to catch crawfish with my bare hands in the ditch at the end of the road and I watched all of the TV shows that the rest of the guys liked . I fit right in . Heck , my babysitter figured I " fit - in " well enough that I do have the memory of bath time at her house one night . Her husband and sons worked at the local grain elevator . They came home and got cleaned - up from their long , dirty day at work and went to eat dinner . I didn 't know that they were used to the old country ways of when you had to bring water in for a bath by hand and everyone shared it . She got Russell and me into the bathroom and stripped - off our clothes and plopped us into the large claw - foot bathtub that had just been used by I don 't remember how many stinky , oily , dirty grown men . I just remember the water was so dark I couldn 't see anything of myself under it and there was a film of some sort that carried small curly hairs past my face . She reminded us that we needed to use plenty of soap to keep the other dirt off of us so we 'd be clean . This was one of my first introductions to lye soap . It doesn 't suds - up like soap we use today does , so I kept rubbing and rubbing it on me thinking it was never going to clean anything . Then she scooped each of us out of the murky broth ( remember , we 're both in the tub together ) , dried us off , gave us our pajamas we 'd brought with us , and finished it all up with a healthy dose of NyQuil . Yup , back when it had a high enough alcohol content to knock you on your butt . We 'd already had dinner and she wanted to make sure we went to bed . I was basically an alcoholic at age 4 from all the times I stayed at her house . My biological father helped Russell 's dad build an addition onto their house . For some reason , my dad had gotten into the building craze and was making shelves and cabinets and anything else he could think of with power tools that I longed to use . I 'd go out into the garage and look at the tools and ask to help and he 'd occasionally give me a hammer or a screwdriver to " pretend " to fix something . Heck , I knew in my young mind that I was doing better than he was ' cause every time my mother would ask him to fix something he 'd end up breaking it or trying to screw - in all the attachments with a butter knife . Now that I 'm older I realize that this is a specific " Dad Phenomenon " that all males have . They don 't want to do the " honey - do " lists and figure if they screw up whatever they 've been asked to do enough that the wife will decide to never ask him to do it again and will hire someone else to take care of it . Yup , even before Kindergarten I 'd already learned how guys worked . Anyway , when the guys were building the addition onto the house , Russell and I would play outside . By this time he had a younger sister and she and our mothers would sit inside and do something . I don 't know what it was because I didn 't want to be stuck inside . Russell and I would chase each other around the house and up - and - down the street because this was back when you could play in the street and traffic watched - out for children . It was also the time when neighbors watched - out for kids as well and if you did something wrong they had every right to punish you just as your parents would and then tell your parents about it which usually got you punished again . Plus , our babysitter with the claw - foot tub lived just diagonally across the street from Russell 's house , so everyone knew we 'd be safe . I remember hearing adult voices telling me to not run in the construction area a thousand times but it was still fun . There were the studs for the walls to weave ourselves through and unfinished stairs that we 'd climb and jump off the top before being scolded again . Finally , it happened . The klutz gene in me decided to show up and I tripped on a piece of wood . That wasn 't too bad ' cause the floor had already been laid and the concrete and I were already good friends . What sucked was the small board with the very large nail sticking out of it that just happened to be in my landing zone . This large framing nail went into my left calf and somehow didn 't hit either of the bones in my leg . But I bled like a stuck pig ; my mother screamed that I was going to die of tetanus ; and my father carried me to the bathroom with the board still nailed to my leg before pulling it out . Someone was on the phone to the doctor to ask what to do about it and I remember the evil bottle of Mercurochrome was brought out to be poured into the large hole . Of course , I did the screaming - jumping - whining dance of any kid who 'd been assaulted with Mercurochrome and watched my leg become dyed a weird rusty color wherever it ran . The doctor on the phone told them to just put a bandage on it and it would heal . It did . I 've got a cool round scar there that 's faded with age but because there were no stitches or butterfly band - aids , it 's still the same size as the nail that caused it . I loved showing it off to guys like an old war wound on the playground . They 'd cringe and I usually won admiration for having the most awesome scar in the group . Okay , so I mentioned " retaking " the fifth grade . Here 's what happened . I was very advanced in Kindergarten . When I went for testing to see which class I 'd be placed in , the teachers knew me because my parents habitually loaned me out to their friends who were in the process of getting their Master 's of Education and needed to run tests and show experimental learning styles on a subject . I was free labor ( well , they did have to take me to McDonald 's ) and was soon also known by most of the graduate - level instructors at the college where everyone was attending . Someone would pick me up , take me to the college , run their test with me , get their grade , and then take me to McDonald 's for a burger before heading back home . The college was over an hour away and we didn 't have a McDonald 's in our town , so I thought I was hitting the big time by getting to go there a lot . Since I 'd been tested and had a rabid reading habit of my own that allowed me to devour books in a very short time , I was very advanced for being only 5 years old . The school even said that if I 'd had a better grasp of mathematics that they would have considered having me skip Kindergarten and perhaps even 1st grade because I was already reading on a 3rd grade level . But , my poor math skills kept me back and I hated the first day of Kindergarten because it was nothing but recess all day . I was there to learn , by god , and all the playing was SO boring ! And I couldn 't get over the other classmates who would cry and whine and need to be restrained as their parents left each day ! Didn 't they realize that this was where you could learn more and be away from your parents and be who you wanted to be ? Obviously not and no one informed me that it wasn 't proper for me to " be who I wanted to be " because I wanted to get the heck out of there and they made me stay . My class was divided into groups by abilities and I so vividly remember the first day we had our reading circle . Everyone was given a copy of the book we were going to learn to read and my teacher sat in the circle with us and read the first sentence very slowly . " Okay , " I thought , " this is just a warm - up and we 'll be done in no time . " I started reading the book and was done before the second child to her left had finished reading the sentences assigned to him after the first child had stuttered and stammered her way through her attempt before saying she didn 't know the words . When they finally got to me , I was ready . I was going to show these kids how it was done . The teacher called on me to read the next page and everyone was stunned that she 'd ask me to read so much . I started reading and was almost done with it when I realized that she was trying to stop me . I hadn 't made any mistakes and was very confused . " You need to slow down , " she said . " Not everyone else can read like you can and they need to hear the words . You 're going too fast . " What ? I remember thinking that if they couldn 't read as fast as I could then they needed to be in another group or another class . And I remember my teacher ( another friend of my parents ) talking to my mother and explaining that I needed to slow down and that it wasn 't anything I 'd done wrong but that she needed to help me understand that I was going to have to help " teach " the others to read . Looking back , I wonder if that 's where my desires to teach and control started . At the age of 5 , I was being told to " teach " others which meant I had a certain " power " over them . It didn 't help when almost halfway through the year the teacher 's aide we had that did our language and spelling " classes " was arrested and we didn 't have anyone to grade our workbooks . My teacher said that since I knew how to read and had already completed my book on my own that I could grade the other students ' books . Yup , I " taught " language and spelling in Kindergarten . How cool is that ? Okay … . my fingers hurt , I 've been typing for over 2 hours straight , and I 've got the voices in my head screaming at me that I 'm going WAY off topic . What topic ? It 's supposed to be about me and this is about me . They have other issues and topics they want brought up and put on paper . I can 't do it at the moment . I 'm exhausted ; I 'm making way too many typos to suit myself ( told ya ' the OCD - block wouldn 't work ) and I 've got to stop for a while . I 'll try to pick it up again tomorrow . Probably after my therapist appointment - that always is a good trigger for me . Now I 'm going to try to shut the voices up with some inane television and something to drink ( non - alcoholic ) . Maybe this running commentary will be good for me to be able to see how my mind is working and organizes things . And maybe I 'm just full of crap and want to feel self - important again . |
Month : June 2016 The first chemo Posted on June 24 by breastcancerandbaby As Elodie turned one week old and there was no sign of her or Paul returning from Sheffield , my mum stepped in to accompany me to my first chemotherapy session . It was a big day for our family . I had to be at the hospital for 8 . 30am and could expect to be there for most of the day . Meanwhile , my sister Rachel was at a different Leicester hospital , waiting for her planned ( but postponed from the previous Thursday ) C - section . A nurse called Kate showed us to a small , private room with a bed for me and a comfy chair for Mum . She talked us through various things , like side effects and the chemotherapy infusion itself . The first step was to have a port surgically inserted by my collarbone . My oncologist recommended this as the way for the chemo to be administered , because the drugs can be very tough on the veins . And so , seven weeks after my lumpectomy , I was lying on my back in an operating theatre again . Only this time I wasn 't going to be knocked out . Kate stood next to the bed and held my hand throughout the procedure . The surgeon explained everything he was doing as he did it , and in between , he hummed merrily . I was nervous , but it wasn 't too bad . Everyone in the theatre said I was a model patient . I said I thought all patients should be made to give birth a week before having the procedure to put the pain in perspective . As Kate and I made our way back along the corridor , I wondered fleetingly whether Rachel might have been in theatre at the same time as me , but when we got back to our room , Mum confirmed that there was no news . I thought about what a tough day it must be for her , with both her daughters in hospital . She didn 't show it . I 'd decided to try wearing a cold cap , which is intended to minimise hair loss , throughout my chemo . There are no guarantees , of course , and I 'd heard a lot of people couldn 't tolerate it , so I just planned to give it a try and see what happened . Kate fitted it to my head and turned it on , and I got a headache immediately . I 'm stubborn , and I didn 't want to give up too soon , but part of me was thinking about how annoyed I 'd be if I put up with this for every long session and lost my hair anyway . But then , after ten minutes or so had passed , I must have gone numb , and the headache disappeared , so I stuck with it . The infusion was made up of five large syringes of drugs and took about an hour and a half . Mum and I ate huge portions of cottage pie followed by maple syrup pancakes . And afterwards , I felt suddenly exhausted , and I dozed off for a while . I 'd taken my book with me , but I couldn 't settle to it . And then it was over ( although the cold cap had to stay on for another hour ) . One down . Before we left , a pharmacist came in with a huge bag of medication for me to take home . She went through each item patiently , explaining which I should definitely take and which they were just giving me in case I experienced certain side effects . She explained that I would have to inject myself every day to reduce my risk of blood clots , and I ignored the part of me that protested . I 've always thought that I could never inject myself , but I 'm learning that I 'm stronger than I thought I was . I did my first injection under Kate 's supervision in that room , and it was fine . Now , a few days later , I can do it in the few seconds that Joseph 's back is turned , so he doesn 't see . After about seven hours , it was finally time to go home . We still hadn 't heard anything from Rachel . We wondered whether she 'd be sent home and asked to come back the next day . It was a shame , really ; we could have done with some good news just then . And we did get it , just a little later . I 'd put Joseph to bed by the time the message came through that Rachel 's second son , Jay , had been born late that afternoon . In the days following the chemo , I waited for the side effects to kick in . I expected to be incapacitated . To be vomiting and feverish and too tired to get out of bed , but none of that happened . I took Joseph to playgroup , I visited my perfect new nephew in hospital and back at home , I made two trips up to Sheffield to see Elodie and Paul , and I waited . Four days have gone by and I 'm still feeling fine . I 've been told that the effects are cumulative , so I might just have got off very lightly this time . Or it could still be on its way . Four nights this week , Joseph has told me at bedtime that ' someone is poorly , someone is hurt . ' I tell him that everyone is fine and he denies it , shaking his head furiously . ' It 's Mummy , ' he says . ' It 's Elodie . ' I reassure him that I 'm ok , and then we go through everyone we know and love until he 's sure none of them are hurt . ' It 's my train , ' he says , then . ' It 's my teddy . ' I wish I could put his mind at rest , or at least understand how he thinks . Elodie is getting stronger every day . She 's been moved from intensive care to high dependency to special care . Today , my parents held her for the first time and we were allowed to take her out of the hospital for an hour . The nurses lent us an enormous Silver Cross pram that had been donated to the hospital , and we wheeled her around the park . She didn 't open her eyes once , but if she had , she would have seen sunshine , and ducklings , and two very grateful parents looking in at her . No day should start at 3am with the onset of labour and end twenty - two hours later with you being wheeled down a corridor to say goodbye to your newborn daughter , who is being transferred by ambulance to an intensive care unit at another hospital . But last Monday did , for me . It feels like a decade ago . After the birth , and the separation , Paul and I waited . Several midwives and doctors came in at various points , expressed surprise that we hadn 't been told to come to special care to see Elodie , disappeared to find out what was going on and never returned . Paul was worried , but he 's always worried . I didn 't suspect that anything was terribly wrong ; perhaps I wasn 't quite back to myself after giving birth . I had a long shower and a short nap , and we waited some more . At some point in the middle of the afternoon , a nurse came to take us to the special care unit . On the way , she explained some of the things that were happening , to prepare us . Elodie was in a ventilator , she told us . There were a lot of tubes . Oh , and she looked like she was shaking , but it was just the type of ventilator they were using . We went in and sat beside her , and a doctor explained that he 'd been called over from Leicester 's other , bigger hospital to look after Elodie . He said that she 'd been coughing up blood and he didn 't know why . He said that she might have to go on blood pressure medication and explained that that only happens with babies who are ' very sick ' . He said that she couldn 't be given the care she needed at that hospital , and that she would have to be transferred , but they were currently struggling to find an intensive care cot for her . Paul and I cried and held hands , and then we went back to the room where I 'd delivered her . Paul went home to see Joseph and my mum and Rachel and Scott arrived to visit . I was a mess , but I still didn 't quite grasp how serious it all was . If it was really bad , I kept telling myself , they would encourage us to stay with her , to sit beside her cot . A little later , a midwife discovered that I had high blood pressure . During my first pregnancy , I had high blood pressure before and after delivery , and Joseph and I stayed in hospital for eight days after his birth while the doctors found the right balance of medication to get it under control . This time , things had been fine throughout the pregnancy , so I was a bit surprised by the high reading , but not too concerned . I felt fine . Paul brought his mum and my dad to the hospital to meet Elodie , and I sat on my bed , a blood pressure cuff on my arm that went off automatically every five minutes . We were finally told that a cot had been secured for Elodie in Sheffield , and that she would be transported that night . Soon after everyone left , I started to feel cold . I turned off the fan the midwife had put on . But within a few minutes , I was shivering uncontrollably , and I had sharp pains just under my ribs . I got into bed , pulled the covers over me . But I couldn 't stop shaking , so I buzzed for a midwife . Kara was looking after me that night . I had a temperature , so she stripped off my blankets , turned the fan on and pointed it at me . She put me on a paracetamol drip . Very quickly , I started to feel a bit more comfortable . A doctor came in to see me and explained that they were worried I might be developing pre - eclampsia , which can happen shortly after the birth as well as before it . It was past midnight , and I was exhausted . I was just drifting off to sleep when Kara came in and said that Elodie was about to leave . I got in a wheelchair and she pushed me to the special care unit , where I talked to the doctor and nurse who were travelling with her . I looked at her through the glass . In addition to all the tubes and wires , she was wearing a tiny harness for the journey . I said goodbye to her and let Kara push me back to my room , too shattered and sad to speak . Paul drove up to Sheffield early to be with Elodie . The news from up there was that her blood pressure was still a major concern and they were planning to do scans on her heart , brain and kidneys . I spent the morning in bed . Because of my blood pressure readings the night before , I 'd been checked every half an hour through the night , so I was still exhausted . At one point , the obstetrician who had taken such good care of us throughout my pregnancy came to see me . She told me that she doesn 't normally get so involved with her patients , but that she 'd spent the whole previous day feeling sad about our situation . When she got home , she said , she had phoned her family and friends and asked them to pray for Elodie . I was so moved by her sincerity . She asked me to keep her updated and to send photos once we were all back home . In the afternoon , my mum and Paul 's mum brought Joseph to visit me . I showed him how to move my hospital bed up and down and we walked hand in hand up and down the corridor , and my heart felt a little lighter . When it was time to go , I walked them to the door and said goodbye . ' Come home , ' Joseph said . ' You come home . ' And later that evening , I did . Rachel picked me up and I made it home just before Joseph went to bed . Paul 's dad had spent the day in Sheffield and had brought back some printed photos of Elodie , so we gave one to Joseph . ' Oh , ' he said . ' That 's the baby sister . ' And he kissed it , and then we put it on top of his wardrobe , so that he could see it from his bed . Wednesday was a fairly good day for Elodie . Some of her medications were reduced and she responded well . Paul 's parents went up to Sheffield to see her . I 'd been advised not to travel up there until my blood pressure was more under control ; I was monitoring it at home . Paul was allowed to kiss her and change her nappy . She was finally allowed to start eating , and I was delighted that Sheffield had agreed to her being given donor breast milk . In the afternoon , Mum drove me to the private hospital where I 'm going to have my chemotherapy . I had blood taken and a nurse and my oncologist explained some of the side effects the treatment would likely have . I realised that , although I 'd thought about the fact that I 'd lose my hair , I hadn 't looked into getting a wig or a headscarf . Suddenly , it all felt very real and imminent . I 'd been so caught up with Elodie 's struggles that I 'd forgotten about my own . Side by side , they felt like a lot to deal with . Perhaps unsurprisingly , my blood pressure was very high again that evening . I called the hospital and they asked me to come in and bring an overnight bag . I 'd been hoping to go to Sheffield the next day and I was crushed . I hadn 't unpacked my bag since coming home the previous day , so I just went through it and took out all of Elodie 's things , and when I put them in her room , and saw all the clothes and the cot waiting there for her , my heart broke a little . My parents drove me to the hospital and we spent a couple of hours there , until long past midnight , but eventually I was told I could go home . The community midwife would visit me at home the next day . My mum and Paul 's dad went up to Sheffield to see Elodie and Paul . I hadn 't seen either of them since Monday , and I ached for my little girl . It 's common to feel low on the third day after the birth , and I did . I felt like a terrible mum . Because I still wasn 't very well , Paul 's mum was looking after Joseph with very little input from me , and Elodie was miles away , only days old and having a tough time of it . My milk came in , and I didn 't have a baby to feed , and I felt sore and uncomfortable , especially when I cuddled Joseph . I took five blood pressure readings , and one of them was under the threshold I 'd been given , and so I decided I was finally going to visit my baby girl . If anything was going to calm me down , I thought , that would do it . The journey takes about an hour and a half , and my parents drove me up there . They dropped me by the hospital entrance and went off to find parking , and Paul met me and took me to the intensive care unit . It was just as wonderful to see Elodie again as I 'd expected . She looked a little better than she had on Monday , although there were still wires and tubes everywhere . That day , she was taken off the ventilator and started breathing on her own , which was a big step forward . But it was also the first day that someone explicitly told me that Elodie had been in critical condition on Monday . I think by that point I 'd realised that , but it was still a shock to hear a nurse say it out loud . I went up to Sheffield again , this time with Paul 's mum and dad and Joseph . I was worried that Joseph would find the intensive care unit scary and intimidating , but if it bothered him , he didn 't show it . He looked in at Elodie , asked where her eyes and her tummy were . I 'd thought a lot about the two of them meeting , and I hadn 't expected it to be like this , through glass . But they 'll have a lifetime to get to know one another , I reminded myself . To bicker and touch and push and love one another . Things won 't always be this way . Because she was no longer ventilated and she 'd been quite settled since that change was made , she was allowed to come out for a cuddle . Before the nurse passed her to me , I asked Paul whether he wanted to hold her first . He 'd been there all week , and I felt like I was swooping in and snatching this incredible moment from him . But he said he didn 't mind . And the nurse said that mums always get to have the first cuddles . As she placed Elodie in my arms , she said ' They say you 're given a daughter because you need a best friend . ' For an hour , I held her while she snuffled and slept , and I thought about how I 'd taken all this for granted with Joseph , and how I probably would with Elodie , in time . I hoped that I would get the chance to become complacent about the magic of holding her in my arms . I did another trip up the M1 with my parents . Elodie had had a bit of a setback . She 'd stopped tolerating her tube feeds and , as a result , they 'd stopped feeding her for a while . She was grumpy and unsettled , but I was allowed to hold her again and she settled down almost immediately in my arms . Late this afternoon , she was taken down the road in an ambulance to the children 's hospital for an x - ray to check her digestive system . Things looked good , so she was taken straight back and will hopefully start feeding again shortly . I start chemotherapy tomorrow , so I 'm not sure when I 'll see her again , but I know that Paul and the medical staff are taking wonderful care of her . The nurses and doctors we 've met up there have been incredible . Patient , kind , compassionate . It 's possible that she 'll be transferred back to Leicester at some point this week , but it 's all an unknown . And my reaction to the chemo is an unknown too , so I 'm trying not to think too much about how the week will go . As always , Joseph has been keeping my spirits up at the hardest times . Old habits die hard , and he still spends a lot of time with his head up my top , talking to his baby sister . When I tell him she 's not in there any more , he asks where she is . ' She 's in the hospital , ' I tell him . ' Daddy 's looking after her until she 's ready to come home . ' He nods . ' She is , ' he says , seriously . ' Do you know how much I love you ? ' I ask him . ' More than anything , ' he says . It 's something Paul started . ' And how much do we love your baby sister ? ' I ask . ' More than anything too . ' The birth Posted on June 16 , 2016 by breastcancerandbaby Last Sunday morning , Paul drove me to the hospital for the induction of my labour . I was 34 and a half weeks pregnant , and everyone was in agreement that my baby girl was big enough to come into the world . My oncologist was hoping to start my chemotherapy treatment a few days after delivery . I was anxious . I was induced when I had Joseph , and I really struggled with the pain . As a result , I had an epidural , and I planned to do so again , but there were still a lot of nerves . We were assigned our first midwife , Becky , and given a delivery room . The baby was monitored . A couple of hours after we arrived , Becky examined me and inserted a pessary that would hopefully start the labour . She said it could take 24 hours to get working , but that I might start to feel period - like pains in a couple of hours . I had dull pains on and off throughout the afternoon , but nothing really came of them . In the late afternoon , Paul and I talked about whether or not he should go home to see Joseph before he went to bed . We asked Becky what she thought , and she said that Paul could probably go home and just come back the next morning . I was disappointed that she seemed so sure nothing would happen until the following day . Paul left , promising to drive back quickly if I called him . A midwife called Shauna looked after me through the night . I didn 't get much sleep , and did a lot of pacing up and down the corridor . From about 3am , the pains started to get stronger and more regular . At about 4 . 30am , I sent Paul a message asking him to come back when he woke up , and he arrived an hour later . We switched midwife again , to Rachel . She told me we shared the same birthday . She examined me and broke my waters at about 6 . 45am . Paul 's job was to let everyone know that I wanted an epidural as soon as possible , and he did it very well . However , I 'm not sure any of us were prepared for how quickly things were going to happen once they got underway . As soon as my waters were broken , the contractions got a lot stronger and closer together . I started using gas and air , which seemed to help at first . Rachel called for an anaesthetist to administer the epidural , and I tried to stay reasonably calm and remember that there wouldn 't be too many contractions to get through before it was in . For some reason , it took about forty - five minutes to get the epidural done . Paul told me this afterwards ; my guess would have been three centuries . And even when it was done , the pain was inexplicable . I asked Paul why it wasn 't working . I said a hundred times that I couldn 't do it . I cried . I screamed . I felt sure , with every contraction , that I was going to die . And then , a senior midwife came in and helped me to turn on my side and within seconds , the baby was there in the room , and she was screaming . It was 8 . 06am . My midwife had changed again , from Rachel to Sally , at some point during that intense final hour , and I hadn 't even noticed . All these midwives had been kind and competent ; I was grateful to them all for the role they 'd played in getting her here . Sally cleaned her and lay her on my chest and we gazed at her while I delivered the placenta . We named her Elodie Alice . She was beautiful . Small but perfect . There was a crease in her chin that was identical to the one Joseph had at birth , and it struck me that we had two children now , and our family was complete . Because of her early arrival , we 'd been told there would be a paediatrician in the room at the time of birth , but there wasn 't , because of how quickly it happened . A few minutes after she was born , a doctor put her head round the door and said ' I can tell there 's nothing wrong with that baby . ' She was a good colour and she was crying , and I remember Sally saying that she seemed like a full - term baby . But within an hour of her birth , something changed . She lost her colour and went floppy , and she was taken away from us to be checked by a paediatrician , who decided that she should probably go to the special care unit for a little while . I wasn 't too concerned . I 'd prepared myself for this . Sally gave her back to me and took a photo of Paul and Elodie and me , and then we kissed her and let her go . And we didn 't know that we were standing on the precipice of something awful ; that things were going to get worse before they got better . We waited for her to come back to us . The next bit Posted on June 6 , 2016 by breastcancerandbaby After a bit of a break from all the appointments following the surgery , things started to pick up again . We met with an oncologist , a colleague of my surgeon ( because she 's now on maternity leave ) and the genetics nurse . We were given a lot of information , most of it pretty complicated . The best news was that the surgeon and the oncologist were very happy with how the surgery had gone , and confident that everything had been removed . The cancer was a fairly aggressive one , and it was heading for the lymph nodes , but the lymph nodes that were removed were clear , so it hadn 't got there yet . The implication was clear ; I was lucky to have found the lump when I did . Because of my BRCA2 diagnosis , the surgeon discussed the possibility of further surgery with me , and talked me through some of my options . This surgery would be preventative rather than reactive , so there 's no huge hurry to make any decisions , but it seems pretty clear - cut to me . I have roughly a 50 % chance of developing another breast cancer in my lifetime , and that 's not a risk I want to live with . My family don 't deserve to have that kind of threat lurking , and neither do I . But it 's not just a case of opting for a double mastectomy . There 's the question of reconstruction ; whether or not I want to have it , and , if I do , whether I want to have implants or use tissue from elsewhere on my body . I don 't like the idea of implants . Of having foreign objects in my body that could potentially burst or leak at any time , and which would have to be replaced roughly every ten years . And although it would mean more scars and a far longer surgery and recovery time , I do like the idea of having fat taken from my tummy for reconstruction . I like to think of it as a tummy tuck that 's thrown in for free . When the surgeon was explaining this possibility , he looked at my swollen belly and said that it 's impossible to tell right now whether I have enough fat for this to work . I assured him that it wouldn 't be a problem . He told me to think through my options , have my baby and the rest of my treatment , and come back to see him when I was ready . We saw the oncologist privately . Paul and I both have private healthcare through his work , and it seemed sensible to use it for the chemotherapy treatment . He was a softly spoken , calm man who explained everything very clearly and answered all our questions with great patience . It turned out that the need for chemotherapy wasn 't as clear - cut as we 'd thought . A test had been carried out . If a patient 's result is 5 % or higher , chemo is definitely recommended . 2 % or lower , and it 's not recommended . My result was 3 % . He explained that a part of my tumour would be sent to the States , to the one place in the world where another kind of test is undertaken , and the results of this would determine whether or not we went ahead . I was astonished that there was a chance of escaping chemo , but I tried not to think about it too much , because it was still the less likely outcome . There would be a two - week wait for the results . And when the result came , it was as I expected . I would be having chemo . The blow was softened by the fact that the oncologist called me personally from India , where he 'd travelled because of a close family bereavement . I thanked him for taking the time , and he said that it was nothing . He said that he was sorry it wasn 't the result I was hoping for . And I just thanked him again , still shocked by his capacity to care about my situation at such a time . In the midst of all this , my sister was taken into hospital with agonising back pain . She 's four weeks further into her pregnancy than I am , and at exactly this point in her last pregnancy , she was taken into hospital with the same symptoms . That time , she stayed in for a week and then my nephew , Louie , was delivered . It was tough to hear that it all seemed to be happening again , and it came on a day when Joseph was being his most difficult two - year - old self . At one point , when I was desperately trying to put him to bed for a nap and he was refusing to cooperate , I burst into tears . He was visibly shocked , and then he started crying too , a horrible , inconsolable wail . After a couple of minutes , he stopped and said ' Are you a bit sad ? I 'm sad too but now I 'm ok . Do you want this monkey ? ' Meanwhile , the days of my pregnancy continued to mount up and , amazingly , my blood pressure remained under control . When Joseph stands right in front of me , his head is level with my bump . ' That 's the baby sister , ' he always says , pointing . As if I might have forgotten . ' Yes , ' I say . ' What 's she doing in there ? ' ' Growing , ' he tells me , seriously . And she is . We 've been having growth scans every three weeks . In the middle of May , she was an estimated 4lb 1oz . In the first week of June , she 'd stepped up to an estimated 5lb 7oz . The obstetrician said that she 'd liaise with the oncologist , but that she was happy to induce me to fit with his plans for chemo . Last weekend , Paul made the nursery furniture with a bit of help from Joseph . I 've washed all the tiny clothes . We 've bought a buggy , got the Moses basket out . A few days ago , I was sitting with Joseph on my lap , reading him a story , when the baby gave a strong kick . He turned around and looked at my bump , and then said ' Baby sister , don 't take my scuttlebug and my cars , ok ? ' I think we 're almost ready for her to join us . |
I 'm a wife and mother with a full - time job who also has two Arabian dressage horses . This is how I fit it all in . Or try to . This arena thing is really starting to irritate me . Marge agreed to have Mr . F out to fix the arena . This is his business , and he said he 'd call me when he knew what his schedule was . Four days later I called him , and he seemed a bit irritated that I called to ask him what was going on . He said he still didn 't know when he could make it out . Seriously ? How can you not know ? Don 't you schedule your clients ? He told me that it would probably be this week . This week only has two more days in it . So , since I didn 't hear from him today I 'm assuming it won 't be tomorrow . If I don 't hear from him tomorrow I 'll assume that it won 't be Friday . He must work on weekends , because he originally told me that he could do it last weekend , and that didn 't work out so well , now did it ? So , again , I 'm waiting for someone to do something that they said they 'd do . And I 'm waiting for a phone call . I 'm kind of a pushy person ( okay , I 'm definitely a pushy person ) so if I don 't hear from him by Saturday I 'm going to call again . Because I can be a real pain in the ass when I need to be . Just ask Craig . Or Susan . . . or Marge . . . Jewel over at 20 Meter Cricle of Life gave me a blog award ! This is super cool , because I 've been tagged a ton , but no awards . Arte y Pico AwardThis award comes with some rules : 1 . You have to pick 5 blogs that you think deserve this award for their creativity , design , interesting material , and also for contributing to the blogging community , no matter what language . 2 . Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone . 3 . Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself . 4 . The award - winner and the one who has given the prize must show the link of the " Arte y Pico " blog , so everyone will know the origin of this award . http : / / arteypico . blogspot . com / So , five blogs that inspire me that also haven 't won this award yet . MiKael 's Mania . I don 't know if she has this award or not , but she should . Talk about contributing to the blogging community ! She posts almost near every day , and always has great info on clinics and fun stories . A must read for horse people , espeically Arabian horse owners . Freelance Instructor 's Diary . Great informational posts about training , and links to her training horses diaries . I Will Jump Sweet Jumps . Beckz lives and rides in New Zealand . I love looking at her photos - some pics of the landscape there are beautiful ! Diary of a Young Horse . The training of Echo . I wish I had started a blog or diary when I was breaking Kaswyn . It would be great to have it and look back to see how things progressed . Half Pass Girl . A blog dedicated to dressage . A girl after my own heart ! So there you have it . Thanks for the award Jewel . You 're a peach ! I think it 's finally happening . Marge agreed to pay Mr . F , the arena specialist , to come out and level the arena . She wanted me to be the contact with him , so I called him to find out when he could come out . He said maybe this weekend , but he 'd call me when he had a chance to look at his book and give me a date . I 'm so excited that I 'll actually be able to start training again in that arena . If time permits I 'm going to be riding Albert too . He 's such a little stinker but he 's so talented . Keep your fingers crossed . First of all , I made it through the plane ride without getting a splitting headache . And the girls were stars . I was traveling without Craig so herding two kids under 5 can be a challenge , but they were both wonderful . In fact we got four compliments on our way to baggage claim in Cleveland about how good they were and how well I handled them . All the comments were made by businessmen , and since we were traveling on a weekday I can only assume that they 'd had their share of flights that included unruly and unhappy children . I 'm so proud of my girls ! Anyway , back to the Tag ! Jewel over at 20 Meter Circle of Life put out a challenge / tag for all readers about their spurs . Of course , it was at the beginning of July and I 'm just getting around to it now , but here it is . The rules are link back to me and put up a pic of your spurs and an explanation of why you ride with them . Here are my spurs . They are what I 'd consider medium length dime rowel spurs . I ride with them because I want to be able to use them if I need them . I don 't use them all that often but Kaswyn and I have a back and forth issue about my left leg . My issue is that it 's weaker than the right leg . His issue is that he chooses to ignore the leg sometimes even when I 'm applying it strongly . I 'm sure this is from years of my using it ineffectively and him getting used to squeezes that aren 't placed right or don 't really mean anything . So , in these cases , my spurs help remind him that " leg on " means " do something " . So , as Jewel said , if you 're reading this , consider yourself tagged . Let 's see those spurs ! I 've been fighting a bit of a cold for about two weeks now . Today I laid down with the girls for their nap and when I woke up I knew I needed to see a doctor . The whole left side of my face was throbbing and the top row of teeth were in significant pain . Just what I need - a sinus infection . Since I 'm still at my parents house I asked my dad if he thought he could get me in to see his doctor . No dice . Instead he found a Doc in the Box for me to go to . It was actually a very nice experience , except for the fact that they didn 't take my insurance . I left the place with a prescription and a receipt for the $ 114 I had to put on my credit card . I 'll submit it to my insurance and hopefully they 'll reimburse me . I came back to my parents house and watched the girls swim in the pool . Then I cleaned them up and tried to eat dinner . Even with chewing on the other side , the first time I brought my teeth together sent a shooting pain rocketing up through my head . I seriously saw stars . I thought I 'd give it another try and just chew carefully , but it didn 't work . I had to surrender my lasagna to my dad and heated up some tomato soup . I took some ibuprofen and that seemed to help a bit with the pain . So now it 's almost 3 am and my head is throbbing again . I had to get up and eat a bowl of cereal before I could take more ibuprofen because if I take it on an empty stomach I 'll feel really sick . I 'm just waiting for that to kick in so I can get some sleep . I 've been awake since 1 : 30 debating on if I should bother getting up . While I 'll be glad to be home so I can see Craig and my horse again , I 'm really not looking forward to getting on a plane tomorrow with a sinus infection . If I was flying alone I would just totally dope myself up and feel no pain , but I 've got two little girls to look after . I 'm just glad it 's me and not them who is sick ! Oh , any guesses on if the arena got fixed while I wasa ) Gone for a week at my trainers barn for Boot Camporb ) Gone for a week to my parents for a visit and a funeral ? The answer ? Of course not ! MPosted by Before we left Cleveland for my parents house , I sat the girls down and explained what would be happening so they could know what to expect , and also so I could answer any questions they might have . I told them that Grandaddy had died , and that he had gone to heaven . But he left his body here , and it was up to us to take care of it . So when they saw him at the funeral home he would be in a wooden box . Lily said " I know , that 's called a coffin ! " Yes , I agreed . Then I said that we 'd be able to see him and say goodbye , then the coffin would get closed . The coffin would then be taken to a cemetery where we 'd put it in a big hole in the ground and cover it with dirt . Lily said " Oh ! Then he gets to turn into a zombie ! " I tried not to laugh , and said that no , Grandaddy would not turn into a zombie . Then she says " I know what you find in wooden boxes - mummies ! They 're wrapped in toilet paper you know . " I told her that mummies were wrapped in strips of fabric that just look like toilet paper , and that grandaddy would not turn into anything when we buried him . He would just be Grandaddy . The whole time Macey just looked at me and didn 't say a word . However , a few days later at the viewing Macey was very interested in Grandaddy 's body . She kept going up to the casket and looking at him very closely . The first time she said to me " Wake him up . " I said " I can 't sweetie . Remember he died and his soul went to heaven , and this is his body that we have to take care of . " " Oh . " said Macey . I told her she could touch him if she wanted to , and she patted him on the chest a few times . Then she said " I don 't want to touch his hands . " I said she didn 't have to . She went up and patted Pop many times during the viewing , usually by herself but sometimes one of the relatives would go up with her . She was always very quiet and respectful , and it was all at once cute and sad when she patted him and would wave goodbye . Lily went up once in the very beginning to see him , but the rest of the time she seemed nervous and didn 't want to look at him . He looPosted by Today was Pop 's funeral in Annapolis , Maryland . It was a very sad occasion , but we all had the chance to spend a few days remembering Pop and all the stories surrounding him . He was very devoted and loving to his family , and was a very hard worker . Pop had been a waterman all his life , starting out as an oysterman as a kid . He was born on Gibson Island in Marlyland and stayed there until moving to Annapolis with my Nana . Pop was a very quiet man , and was perfectly evened out by my outgoing , bubbly grandmother . When he asked my Nana to marry him , she went out and bought a wedding dress . He happened to be at her mother 's house when she brought it home , and asked what it was . She said " My wedding dress . " He replied " What 'd you buy that for ? " Nana got mad and returned the white dress . She then went out and bought a red one , and that 's what she was married in . As far as I know he made no further comments on her dress . Over the years many family members lived with my grandparents . Nana 's sister , Marie , who had married Pop 's brother Sherman , once showed up unannounced on Nana and Pop 's doorstep . They had three children , two dogs , no jobs , and twenty cents to their names . The house they lived in was small - two bedrooms and one bath - yet they took their family in and fed them , clothed them , and kept them until they got back on their feet . This was a pattern that was repeated many times over the years with cousins , nephews , etc . It 's not that they made a lot of money . Nana worked in the school cafeteria , and Pop worked in the boatyards refinishing and repairing yachts . They took in their family because they were happy to share what little they had . Pop was a very quiet man , and was perfectly evened out by my outgoing , bubbly grandmother . Because he was so handy , Nana would constantly volunteer him to fix things for people . It was always " Thomas will fix it ! " and then without a word he would gather his necessary tools and fix it . My dad told a story of their first house , and how it was pink . Nana hated that pink house , and woPosted by Pop passed away today at 2 : 12 . My mom was there holding his hand , as was my father . They said he went peacefully and calmly . Thanks for all of your well wishes . He was a great guy , and I 'm proud to have called him my Pop . And to my Nana - Mix up a Manhattan Ethlyn ! He 's coming to you ! I got a call from my dad on Saturday morning saying that my grandfather , Pop - pop to me , was in the hospital . He had been complaining about not wanting to eat , or being unable to swallow , for about a week . He had an appointment with the doctor on Friday to evaluate the situation and decide how to proceed . The doctor decided that he didn 't want to scope Pop at this time because they 'd have to sedate him , and since he 's 94 they want to avoid that if possible . Pop was scheduled for a barium test next week , but took a turn for the worse Saturday at around 2 am . It looked very grim on Saturday . He was non responsive in the hospital for most of the time that my parents were there . Pop has pneumonia and was very weak from not eating for days . My parents went home for dinner and the hospital called them an hour later , saying that Pop sat up and was asking for food . They went back over and were able to talk to him . He was trying to eat and wanted his glasses . Things were looking up . Then I got a call Sunday evening saying that he was unresponsive again . He hadn 't produced any urine in around 48 hours and his legs were swelling . It sounds like he 's in renal failure . My dad said that he would thrash around a little , open his eyes , move his mouth , then settle back down and not move . It was pretty awful and my mother was having a hard time with it all . She 's definitely daddy 's little girl and is very upset to see her father suffer . Pop has said that he does not want to be saved if things go downhill , and doesn 't want to be resuscitated or hooked up to any machines . So they are giving him oxygen and are trying to give him his daily medications , but if he isn 't responsive to take them or refuses they are not forcing them . My mother has power of attorney and will use that if she needs to . Now I 'm just waiting for " the call " . It 's just a coincidence that the girls and I are planning to fly to my parents house for a week on Wednesday . My sister is already out there with her two girls and we were all planning on having a great time for Posted by Our last day included one last lesson , and I could tell that my pony was pooped the second I got on him . I 'm sure he was thinking " Listen , lady . I 'm seventeen . I haven 't worked this hard in almost three years . I need a break , okay ? ! " We started warming up the trot and my trainer was very happy with how he looked . She said he was much straighter and had better rhythm than the first day . She also said that not once did she see uneven strides like she did when he was hurt . My trainer 's mother was there too , and she said " Your horse looks go good ! He looks like the old Kaswyn again ! " We worked a bit on some trot serpentines , concentrating on keeping the speed and rhythm consistent . The we did some canter work and schooled the shoulder fore counter bending exercise . He has gotten quite good at that and after I do one or two bends he really is able to come over and through his back , especially just behind the saddle . It 's very nice ! After a short walk break we schooled the canter half pass . I wish I had asked her to video me , but I didn 't think about it . Regardless , the half passes were fairly good , even if my horse was beginning to fade a little . To get him a bit excited my trainer asked for some flying changes . We did two lines of changes every four strides , then schooled more half pass . Then she asked for two lines of changes every three strides , and we got into a bit of trouble here . Kaswyn has a tendency to to change overly fast from right lead to left lead , and slow from left lead to right lead . There are a few reasons for this , the main one that I feel is that he gets too complacent about my left leg and ignores it a little when I ask for the change . Also I know that my left leg is not as effective or strong as my right , nor does it stay where it needs to be all the time . So when asking for the changes every three strides the changes come more quickly and he just wasn 't ready for me to ask for it . Like always , my horse thinks too much and was thinking change every fourth stride when it was really going to be every tPosted by Yep . Still having problems moving air in and out of my lungs . Truth be told , the description of my last day at Boot Camp , as well as my last day at my trainer 's farm , is not that exciting . But I want to finish it anyway so the series is complete . But I 'll have to finish it tomorrow . No Boot Camp update right now . I had a huge asthma attack after I got home last night . I 'll give details on that plus my last day and lesson at Boot Camp in my next post . Hopefully I can get that up tonight , or tomorrow at the latest . Right now I 'm at work and still struggling to breathe . Not so much so that I need to go to the hospital or anything , but just enough to make it annoying . Anyhow , check back later ! Today my plan was to work on connection and try to be more correct with my right hand / arm / shoulder . Since we have a lesson tomorrow I only wanted to ride for about twenty minutes . As I was warming up at the walk I asked my trainer how Kaswyn was in turnout today . She said they put him in a different place today and that he was much better . For the first five minutes he did run and scream , but she decided to let him work it out . He eventually settled down and ate some grass and was quiet for the rest of the time . So he 's finally figured it out , with one day to go . Brilliant . When I asked for the trot it was evident that I 'd pulled an abdominal muscle . I didn 't take any ibuprofen and right away it was hurting me . It 's completely ridiculous . Never in my riding career have I pulled an abdominal . My abs have hurt before , and been sore after a lesson , but the discomfort has never held on for this long . Getting old sucks . It really effected my riding because every time I tightened up to use my abs I got a stabbing pain , kind of like when you get a stitch on your side except this was up high and in the front of my body . It was really annoying and I had to keep stopping to take walk breaks . I 'm not sure if it was effecting Kaswyn , but he was pretty resistant to making and maintaining a good contact with my hand . I wasn 't happy with the trot work , but it improved after we went to the canter . I ran through some shoulder in exercises and that helped a bit , but he still wasn 't where I wanted him to be . I ended up doing a bunch of transitions from walk to trot to canter and back again , then I 'd mix them up to keep him guessing . In the end I liked the canter and was satisfied with the trot work , so we stopped there . Tomorrow is Kaswyn 's last full day at the farm . We have a lesson in the evening , then Thursday morning he 's headed back home . I 'm going to have to take more vitamin I ( ibuprofen ) before my lesson . If I don 't I 'm pretty sure I won 't make it through to the end ! Today was lesson day , so I took 600 mg ibuprofen about an hour before my ride . I try not to take ibuprofen too often because if I take it regularly it starts to hurt my tummy . But once in awhile seems to be okay , and I really needed to be able to not only get through the lesson but be able to work to my full potential . By the time I got to the barn my abs were feeling better . I tacked up and headed to the arena . It was hot , hot , hot today , but for the most part heat doesn 't bother me . I 'm not saying that I wasn 't sweaty , because I was damp even before the real work started . However I deal with heat much better than I deal with cold . I seem to be able to cool off pretty effectively , but once I get cold in the winter it 's really hard for me to warm up . So while I was hot I really wasn 't miserable . I started walking to warm up and asked how Kaswyn did on turnout . Again , even though he was right next to another horse , he was screaming . He did a little better today , but still had to come in early . Tomorrow they are putting him in a different turnout to see if he does any better . It 's so frustrating that he has to be this way . But it 's only for a few more days and then we 'll be home , so he 'll just have to deal . We started today 's lessons checking on the things we worked on the last lesson . Since I had done my homework my trainer was able to say almost immediately that Kaswyn was straighter today . She checked our rhythm and straightening exercises at the trot , then watched as we did the shoulder fore counter flexion exercise at the canter . She was really pleased at how much he had improved in just a few days , and I was happy that she could see the results . The rest of this post is kind of technical boring dressage talk . There are some videos at the end , so if you want to skip the boring parts and just watch my horse I fully understand . The main thing we seem to need work on is a better connection and more throughness over his back . I realize that this is a very common problem for many dressage riders , but I have to say that Then we worked on the half pass at the trot . For non - dressage people , half pass is a movement where the horse is traveling both forwards and sideways . The body of the horse is kept in a straight line and the horse moves diagonally . The horse 's body should be bent in the direction that he 's going , so that his head is turned towards his path . The shoulders should be slightly in front of the haunches , which means that the horse should not lead with the rear end , but with the shoulders . Also , the haunches should not trail too far behind the shoulders and should be almost in line with them . Here is half pass left , which also turned out pretty decent . In this second one you can see my hands and yikes ! What am I doing with my right hand ? It 's all curled and I 'm carrying my right shoulder high and tight . My trainer mentioned it early in the lesson and now I see how bad it is even though I tried to concentrate on relaxing it and letting it fall down from my neck . You can also see me lose the connection and Kaswyn get uneven right before I cluck to him . This is why I love to video a lesson ! I need to see these issues so that I can have a mental picture of what I need to work on when I 'm alone . We then worked on the half pass zig zag . A zig zag is when you half pass one way , then change the bend and half pass the other direction . Our big challenge with this movement is to keep the connection during and after the change of bend . Also sometimes Kaswyn will let the haunches trail and just as I 'm fixing it it 's time to change directions . Here is out first zig zag . He loses impulsion a bit right before the end when returning to the wall , but all in all it 's not terrible . Just average . Zig zag # 2 is not as good . He loses connection after the change and then loses impulsion to boot . And you can see my right hand acting dumb again . Yuck . Now for the worst one . Our last zig zag is a mess pretty much from start to finish . He is not connected at all during the whole movement , except right after I say " Good boy . " I had to cluck to him and say " Come ! Come ! " towards the end because he was really dying on me and wasn 't using himself at all . If you care to compare it to the first zig zag , you 'll see that in the first one he is stepping nicely under his body with his hind legs , and has a nice bounce and suspension . This last one shows his rear legs out behind instead of reaching under the body . He 's also flat behind and not pushing off the ground like he should be , and is even dragging his toes a bit . Certainly not our best effort . I have tomorrow to work on my own , and then it 's another lesson on Wednesday . I 'm going to get serious about this right shoulder / arm / hand thing . It 's just incorrect and it 's got to stop ! I 'm sure it 's effecting my horse . Also we are going to continue to work on connection and rhythm . Now I 'm tired , and I 'm going to bed ! I 've been a bit busy this weekend so I 'm just getting a chance to write about Saturday 's ride . It wasn 't much different than Friday 's ride . We worked on the same exercises from our lesson on Thursday , and Kaswyn felt really very good . I decided to see what his half passes felt like so I did two lines each direction of trot and canter half pass . The first line I did was just a short diagonal ( corner to centerline ) and the second was a full diagonal . He really felt good and doing the half passes made Kaswyn really jazzed . I think the upper level movements get him really energized because he loves to show off ! The turnout situation is exactly what I thought it would be . Both Saturday morning and Sunday morning all Kaswyn did was run and scream , even though there were horses clearly in his sight about 20 feet from him . He 's just such a boob and can 't be turned out alone . They are going to try him with another horse tomorrow and hopefully that will go better . Today I was really really sore . My hips and back were all tight and my abs were killing me . I 'm not used to riding this many days in a row , and with such intensity . I decided that Kaswyn probably felt the same way so today all we did was walk around the farm for a good 20 minutes . Afterwards my hips and back felt much better , but my abs were still sore . We have our second lesson tomorrow . I 'll be sure to load up on ibuprofen beforehand ! Since it was a beautiful day I took a bunch of photos of the farm to share . Here is Kaswyn looking out of his stall . This is the barn aisle . The barn from the front . The barn from the side . The wash rack . The huge tack room . The beautiful and spacious tack lockers . One of the all weather paddocks . This one has a run - in shed with stalls built on the inside . Kaswyn may live in one of these stalls for future Boot Camps if all the stalls in the main barn are filled . Another all weather paddock with run - in shed . The outside of the indoor arena . The inside of the indoor arena . The front grass pastureThe back grass pastureThe side grass pasture . There ' Posted by When I got out ot the barn today and started grooming Kaswyn , I saw the gal who works at the barn and I asked her if he did well with turnout that morning . She shook her head and said that he was only out long enough for her to clean his stall because all he did was run and scream . He was alone in his paddock but was next to another horse . I was afraid of that . I spoke with my trainer and she said she would put him in a different paddock tomorrow , and that she hoped that he 'd settle down by then . I 've been through this before with him so I have my doubts . He 's just a bit of an ass if there is not another horse in the paddock with him . If he doesn 't settle down they 'll try him with another horse and see if it 's any better . I tacked up and went to the arena . I realized as soon as I started out that for the past two years or so I 've been riding my horse like he was hurt , and for part of the time that 's been true . I 've been very easy on him and not insisting that he make a good connection , or that he comes through to the degree that he needs to . My fear that I 'll hurt him or make his injury worse has resulted in my riding being wimpy and ineffective , and his resulting work is sub par . Since it appears that he 's all healed up , it 's time to stop riding him like he 's made out of glass . That doesn 't mean that I 'm going to suddenly be brutal and hard on him . What I 'm going to do is just return to the kind of riding that I used to do . I need to insist that he makes a good connection with the bit and my hand . He must always come through his back , and I must be able to work through any resistance to maximize his energy into quality gaits . This was the overall theme of my ride today . I decided that I 'd run through all the exercises we did yeaterday in the lesson , but I 'd just do short workouts of them . I didn 't want to ride him for more than twenty minutes after a hard workout the day before . The plan was to get him working in a comperable frame , connection , and rhythm , using the exercises to get us there . Amazingly , once I startPosted by Today was my first of three lessons at boot camp . I was going to take some pictures of the barn and the arena but the weather was gray and depressing and the photos would not have come out very well . I 'll be there for a week so I hope to have a nice day to get some good images . Kaswyn didn 't get turned out this morning because of my lesson , and because they aren 't sure where to put him for turnout if he 's only going to be there for a week . They don 't want to mess with the turnout groups as they are , so the plan is to probably turn him out alone but next to someone . Hopefully that will work out . Sometimes he can be a bit of a boob if he 's alone , and will run and scream even if he 's next to someone . I guess we 'll just have to see . I brought Kaswyn into the arena and he seemed very at ease . We started our lesson by discussing what I 've been doing and what I 've been feeling . Besides just trying to get him in a decent working frame , I have mostly been trying to keep Kaswyn slow as he trots , especially in the beginning . He has a tendency to get rushed and have too quick of a tempo . My trainer had me start at the walk doing shoulder in so I could straighten him out a little bit because he was crooked in the right hind . Then we started working on the trot and Kaswyn decided that this was all very exciting . He started getting a little quick and was so busy in the mouth that it was hard to make a good connection . He was jiggling the bit around so much I felt like I was on a young horse . My trainer was more accepting of his shenanigans than I was , saying that because of the rain on the roof , one horse being verbal in a nearby turnout , and her husband working on changing a tire on her horse trailer that she understood his excitement . When he settled down a bit and we were able to get a little consistent trot work in , she told me that I need to work on the rhythm as well as the tempo . For those who are wondering , the tempo is how fast the horse takes strides . With Kaswyn I 've usually needed to slow the tempo because he gets excitTrot RightWe took this video after the lesson was over and we had been talking for a few minutes . Kaswyn got all excited when I put him together again and asked for the trot . As a result he was fussing with his mouth . The connection was not as good as I 'd like it to be but we got a couple of nice strides that show me that he 's sound . Trot LeftThen I turned him around and did some trot to the left . He settled down and I think we got a very nice connection . I was happy with his impulsion and rhythm too . I see my left hand moving more than I 'd like , which is a bad habit that I kicked years ago but it looks like it 's resurfaced . That 's what happens when I don 't get regular lessons . Bummer . So it was a superb lesson , and my horse is awesome . I think he 's ready to go back to work . I 'm ready to as well . One thing I know for sure though - my abs are going to be killing me tomorrow ! ! Today is the day that Kaswyn was scheduled to head over to my trainer 's new barn for a week long intensive training session . I hurried to the barn after work and packed all of my equipment . I tried to only take what I thought I needed , but it was still a lot of stuff . Saddle , girth , pads , polos , etc , . I know he 's only going for a week but I didn 't want to leave anything behind . I had some extra time after I finished making up grain , loading my truck , and taking hay out to the driveway , so I decided to clip Kaswyn and wash his tail . Everything was going along just fine , until I brought out the shipping boots , which was purposely the last thing I did . When I started putting them on him he got totally antsy as I knew he would . He started pawing and dancing in the crossties , anxious to go someplace . Like I 've said before , my horse loves to go places . Not only that but he 's really impatient about it . He doesn 't care where he 's going , he just wants to get there , now ! We walked outside and waited for our ride in the driveway . He tried to graze a little bit but he couldn 't even stay focused on the grass . As soon as the truck and trailer pulled into the drive he yanked his head up and watched intently . There was already another horse on the trailer so both the other horse and Kaswyn had to have a little chat as we opened the trailer . When the doors were open and the ramp down I did what I usually do with Kaswyn to put him on a trailer - I threw the leadline over his neck , pointed him at the trailer , and said " Okay , get in . " He surprised me by not just loading immediately on the trailer , but instead trotting up the ramp and into the open slot . He just cracks me up . It was a short trip over to the new barn and I got Kaswyn unloaded and into his new stall . He was completely nonplussed , and didn 't seem the least bit upset or nervous . He got some hay and started munching happily , and was very quiet as I unloaded the rest of my junk . Then I tacked him up and we went for a quick ride in the arena . My plan is to ride very day that I ' Posted by Today Kaswyn will get picked up for his week long Boot Camp . I thought he was going to go Thursday but my trailer ride changed plans and it 's going to be today . Yay ! However , something has happened that is totally out of character for me . I 'm completely unprepared . I don 't have my stuff packed , I still have grain containers to make , and I didn 't clip him . I 'm trying to be calm about it , because I know I can get it all done before they roll in with the trailer , but I 'm usually ready the day before . I would have had everything done already , but yesterday the massotherapist came out to evaluate Kaswyn . We talked about his issues and then she watched him walk and trot on the lunge line . Then she did a bit of exploratory poking and prodding . The good news is that he doesn 't have one sore spot in his back , and in the past he 's always had at least one slightly sore spot . So the saddle was worth it . Yippie ! The bad news is that Kaswyn is sore in some very weird places . The said that it 's very odd where he is sore , and judging from the places that he reacts to she 's getting the idea that he 's holding his shoulders and chest in and down . She said he should be trotting with his chest elevated and open to give his shoulders maximum range . She thinks this is probably due to him trying to protect himself , and that he 's probably been going that way for a while . Now that it 's a habit she said it will be hard to break , but she gave me some stretches to help him to not be so tight in the chest and shoulder . He also is less developed in his inside right hind than he should be . Looking at his leg , just above the hock , from the back , she said the muscle on both sides should be about the same . However , he 's much less developed on the inside than the outside . The left hind looks fine . Since it 's common for opposite legs to have issues , I really am not surprised that she saw something in the right hind . she says that he 's not traveling quite straight with that leg either , that he 's bringing it too far towards his midline when he 's trottingPosted by Sheri Israel is Dressage Mom . I 'm a wife and mother with a full - time job who also has two Arabian dressage horses . This is how I fit it all in . Or try to . Over the years I have written several stories in series format . I 've listed them here with descriptions and links . Arabian Sport Horse Nationals 2009Read about my adventures at this big show and see video of my rides in this series . Of Roses , Red and BlackThe story of how I got into riding , including incredible loss and eventual triumph . How to Piss Off Your Trainer - Gumby HorseA little bendy horse gets me into a bit of trouble . How to Piss Off Your Trainer - The CriticMy sassy teen - aged mouth causes some issues . Saddle UpThe search for a suitable dressage saddle for my Arabian geldingThe BreakupThe painful story of how I left my first dressage trainerMake it workHow I 'm able to do it all , or at least give that impressionOSU Trip 2008Taking my horse to Ohio State University Veterinary Hospital for allergy testing . And other things . The SurgeryI had surgery on , well , delicate parts . This is the whole story . It might reveal way more about me than you want to know . The Sister Chronicles - Ahoy ! How my sister and I got into big trouble on a little river . Looking for something ? |
How do you tell a true friend ? Well , today , I was helping the neighbor bust up concrete , and dig out for a new sidewalk . . . one that had extended onto our property line . As agreeable as Don is , I sure hated seeing him working so hard doing something that was , rightfully , our responsibility . So when I heard him out there this morning thunking away at the concrete , I jumped out of bed , threw on some clothes and a hat and headed out to give him a hand . I managed to slop my coffee down the front of my tee shirt as I juggled two spades and my coffee . After a few hours , I 'd worked up a healthy sweat . I was filthy . It was at that point , we noticed bees coming out of the ground , so I decided to grab a can of bee spray from the local store . A true friend is the one you meet up with when you are dirty and sweaty , no make up , with a coffee stain down your front , a ball cap covering your unwashed hair . A true friend , Lord love her , is still thrilled to see you . Posted by Today , there was a big fat packet in the mail box . It was the results of my recent certification exam , my certificate , my handy little card . A pin that says COTA . I dreaded that test . I spent most of the summer being quite anxious about it . I took it . I passed it . I got 513 points out of 600 . Not great , but not horrible , I imagine . It makes me laugh , a bit . Everyone chided me about my concerns , telling me that I would pass . I surely did not feel all that confident . Perhaps it is a fact : you know me better than I know myself . Yesterday , Tim and I took a walk . We found a small Andes gas kitchen stove , old . I reckon from the 30s , although I have not yet found anything to verify that . Ceramic over steel , heavy as all get out . I said to Tim , " Isn 't that adorable ? " And he said , " It 's interesting . " I said , " I want that . All cleaned up , it would look cute in the second kitchen . " Without hesitation , he said , " Well , let 's go up and talk to the people . " The contractor immediately said , " What are your plans for it ? " I said , " A decoration for an old kitchen . " He said , in a considering way , " What about the two cast iron sinks ? " Tim said , " Where are those ? " And we went to look at them . . . two high back old fashioned sinks , one for the bathroom , with all the hardware . The kitchen one had the cast iron drainboard . The contractor said , " If you take all of this , I 'll give you the stove for free . " He 's talking to scrappers . In effect , he paid us $ 20 to take the stove , since that 's probably what those sinks will bring at the scrap yard . But who knows ? We might just use the kitchen sink in the second kitchen . We went back for the truck , and loaded all that heavy stuff up . A young guy walking down the street ran across to give us a hand , bless his heart . On the way home , we found an old floor lamp set out along side the street . I said , " We could use a floor lamp . " Tim said , " We don 't need one . " I said , " Well , yeah , we do . We could use one between the two chairs in the library . " So we stopped and put in in the back of the truck with everything else . After supper , we went to Lowes and got a new socket , and a lampshade from the second hand store . Tim did some rewiring , and put the lamp where it belonged . He agreed that we did need a floor lamp after all , and we got a nice old one that cost a mere $ 7 . 00 to make workable . I 'm pretty lucky to have a husband who is not ashamed of me and my quirks . I 've been taking pictures like a crazy person , and when we get the good computer back , I 'll finally have pictures of the house , as well as Bob the Buffalo . ( Sorry , he just seems like a Bob to me . . . ) I 've gotten pictures of all the stupid little details that I love so much about our house . You 've all been patient . On a sad note , Uncle Herman has passed , the grand patriarch of the family breadmaking reunion . It was obvious that he was slipping away from us , and the last two times we visited , his eyes had a far away look , like he was seeing another time , other people . He shook Tim 's hand when we last left and said , " You be good now , Timmy , " and for some reason that brought tears to my eyes , to hear my 55 year old husband called by his boyhood name . I cried for some miles in the car . There is something about the passing of a good person , someone who has lived his 90 years being a Godly man , a bit of a rascal ( he scandalized Aunt Anna 's family by riding his motor cycle to pick her up when they were dating ) . He has the wooden propeller from his last plane . He wrecked it , and Aunt Anna wouldn 't let him get another . He laughed like crazy when he told us that story . Uncle Herman was a Godly man with a wild hair . He was such an interesting charactor , and the family reunion will not be the same . Uncle Herman is the latest in a string of family losses . We have lost three of our elders , all in their 90s , in the last three weeks . It is a sad time . Well , I 'm not getting anything done sitting here . I will head out to spray down that stove yet again ( I 'm peeling away years of grime , one layer at a time . ) I 'm also going to help the neighbor bust some concrete . Oh , excitement abounds here . . . I bought a shoofly . I also babysat a puppy for a morning , and discovered that while Cesar might be the dog whisperer , I , my friends , am a puppy pooper . After a morning of fun with me , Mary returned to her sweet puppy who fell sound asleep in her lap almost immediately , and slept for two solid hours , waking up to pee , and fall back asleep once again . The FBI has been in contact . They 've locked our computer , they say , due to the fact that we have indulged in pornography or illegal downloading . Once we pay the fine , they will unlock it , the official looking message says . They have directions on how to pay this fine . Tim had just heard about this virus on the radio , so he was earnestly trying to explain it to me . We 've been married long enough for me to know that he is neither a pedophile or a zoophile ( is that even a word , for the good Lord 's sake ? ) and I know for a fact that there is no sense to illegally download music since I never did find my Ipod , well , I stopped him right away , and assured him that I had no doubts . Dan Ralston ? Get ready . Me and my computer are headed your way . . . again . In the meantime , I won 't be able to comment on blogs , since a single comment becomes an exercise in patience ( patience , it would appear that I do not have . ) Work continues to be a challenge , but there may be a light at the end of this tunnel . I simply gave up . The woman was so very angry that once I got my work done , I wearily decided that she was going to be mad at me if I continued to work . She would also be mad at me if I read a book . So I sat down and in between laundry loads , I read some Maya Angelou and tuned her out completely . I have had a private chat with personnel and our building manager , who assure me that this is being handled . The seasons are changing , and it is a reminder to me that nothing stays the same . Last blog post I was crying about changes . This blog post , I am praying for them . Life 's funny like that , innit ? It might be awhile till you see me lurking about your blogs again . The old computer is way slow . See you in the next week or so . Posted by We have such a nice house now . Not that we didn 't before , but this one , well , it 's really quite a remarkable home . The nicest home I 've ever lived in . We primarily live on the first floor , Tim and I , but upstairs , there is another bathroom , right next to Cara 's room . We call that Cara 's bathroom . It 's a nice bathroom . She has a nice bedroom , with a fireplace . Right now it is full of stuff . Lots of stuff . For several years now , Cara 's room has actually been sort of a drop - off zone , where things are left , things are taken . Stuff comes and goes . She didn 't come home much this summer . She was planning her move to Altoona , working . Earlier this month , I took her there . With , predictably , a load of stuff . Still lots of stuff remains , up there , upstairs in Cara 's room . Talking to her last night on the phone , I said something , I don 't know . Can 't remember , but Cara said , " Um . Mom . You do get it , right ? You understand that I will never live at home again . " Tonight , I went upstairs , to that lovely bathroom . Cara 's bathroom , right there at the top of the stairs , and to the right , Cara 's bedroom , all full of Cara 's stuff . We have a beautiful home , the sort of home that I wish that our children had the opportunity to grow up in . We have it now , and our children don 't live here . They will never see it as home . I don 't know . . . I guess that I did know it , deep down . So . I went to Lowe 's to pick up six bags of mulch . They were heavy and wet from the rains that we 've had , but I 'm a strong gal , and so I threw them on the cart and headed for the register . There was a woman in front of me with two carts of distressed plants , which are sold for a fraction of the price . Unfortunately , the plants had to be hand rung , over riding the price on each and every one of the probably 30 plants that she had , so it took a while . The cashier apologized . The customer apologized . No need , though , because I 'd just been in the distressed plant section and I did not find any perennials . Plenty of annuals , but I don 't do annuals . When I plant something , it needs to stay planted , and it needs to come up year after year . None of this planting the same plants year after year . But I digress . Evidently , I 'd gone through the distressed section after this woman because she had two carts of perennials , and I found none . When everyone was apologizing , I said , " Don 't worry about it . I 'm a patient person . " I am . I have to be . Because if I 'd have found those plants before that customer in front of me , well , it would have been me holding up the line . So I waited , being all patient . I did find myself thinking , " Dang . I should have used the restroom . " But I was next in line , and I couldn 't just abandon the line . So I decided to just ' hold it ' . At the self same moment the woman behind me said , " You 're dripping . " That was a jolt , I 'm telling you . I looked at her , startled , thinking , ' I can 't be . I 'd have noticed something like that , for goodness sake . ' She was pointing . I looked down . Sure enough , there was an ever increasing puddle . From the wet mulch . I started laughing . Makes you look like an fool , when you 're laughing and can 't tell someone why . Posted by I 've switched to night shift . The house manager asked me to train a young boy , acknowledging that the woman working with him on night shift is horribly impatient and she is afraid that they will lose the young boy . She feels that he has a good heart , and can become a good person to have on staff . I said yes . Mostly being tired of dealing with the immaturity of second shift . Imagine my shock to go on nights and discover that the boy that I 'm supposedly training has jumped ship to days , and I am now working with the horribly impatient woman on third shift . She 's awful . She swears constantly , and throws things . I 'm kind of boggled that she gets away with this behavior , but she has . Mostly because there is no one else to fill her position , I reckon . It 's been interesting . My first impression was that she was simply frustrated with the second shift people who simply do not do what they are supposed to do . Despite meeting after meeting , nothing changes . The attitude was summed up by their joy that I was leaving . There was fist pounding and the comment was made , to general hilarity , that it was ' their house , their rules . ' That sums it up I guess , and telling them that it is NOT their house isn 't going to solve anything . I have been with the company for three months now , and at each of our monthly meetings , I 've listened to my new partner blast second shift . Privately , I felt she was right , but the fact is , she was far more abrasive than she needed to be . Now that I am working with her , I see how it is : no one in the house can do things to her satisfaction . I know that I am a hard worker . I take pride in this . I am a level headed person who has learned to measure her words . I 'm kind of proud of that . I reported to my new shift , and I was not concerned . Except she has become bitterly angry that I do too much . I was flabberghasted by this . I work four 10 hour shifts , from 10 at night until 8 : 30 the next morning . I keep alert by keeping myself busy . There are plenty of things to do in a house , and so between patient care ( which is far less at night ) , I keep the washer going , and the dryer going . I clean like hellzapopping . I was happy that the adjustment to third shift was easier than I anticipated . Imagine my surprise when she threw a laundry basket and snarled , " This fucking bullshit ends tonight ! " and stormed out of the room . I tried to reason with her , but she just refused to discuss it . It has steadily gone down hill . Lots of cursing and slamming , sarcasm , and unprofessionalism . I discussed this with management who readily acknowledges that she has a problem ( she threw a walker at another coworker ) . They asked me to document . It is an uncomfortable situation , being alone in a house with a woman who has no self control , and I am carefully documenting things . Everyone is assuring me that I am not the problem , but I certainly have one . Yesterday , a boss called to check in . She was encouraging , and telling me to hang in there , that I am a great asset , etc . etc . It came to me clearly that what she was looking for was some sort of affirmation that I would not leave my job , and suddenly , it hit me . The truth of it came as a big shock . For 55 years , I 've been working at dead end jobs . I did them because I had no choice . I did them because I was a single parent with three children . I continued to do them to make ends meet when Tim and I married and suddenly were dealing with the expenses of a single household and five children . There were braces , and college educations . We both worked , and we worked hard , and we often worked more than one job . I had no choice but to deal wI did not say those words . Posted by I took my certification exam last week . The website went down yesterday to load the results . It did not come back up until sometime this morning . I 've was pretty confident when I walked out the door of the testing center , and I 've never really been afraid , but I 'm not a girl to count her chickens before they hatch . I passed the certification exam . I 'm now a Certified Occupational Therapy Assistant . Well , last night I went to Lowes . My beloved had bought 3 / 8 x 6 in carriage bolts and discovered that he needed 3 / 8 x 8 in carriage bolts . We are ( he is ? ) currently in the process of replacing the second story deck on the back of a house overlooking the river , so one can see that going to the store to exchange the bolts was vital to the success of this mission . ( Yes . I watched ' Act of Valor ' . ) I walked into the store , and the little woman at the return desk took my receipt and there the trouble began . The receipt and the bolts did not match . She got out her little book and she began to mutter . Seems that my bolts were galvanized and the bolts that I 'd been charged for weren 't , and furthermore , they 'd charged me for the wrong size bolts , so it appears that Tim got quite a bargain on the first set of bolts . Since he 'd bought a bunch of other hardware , I 'm pretty sure that he did not notice that he had saved about $ 1 . 50 She flipped through the book to show me the differences in the prices even as I stared thinking , ' Well , surely you are not going to pay me the higher price for the return , so what does any of this matter ? ' She said very briskly , " I 'm not going to take these back at the higher price . " I said , mildly , " Well , I don 't expect to receive any more than I spent , " thinking ' My God ! If I were pulling some sort of scam , I would have not come back in the door with my receipt . ' But she processed the rest of the return , handed me my $ 2 . 33 . I hied myself swiftly to carriage bolts ( yes , I knew exactly where to go ) . Along the way I met a former coworker from Tractor Supply , one who 'd left some months before me . He asked how my new job was going . " Good , " I said . We talked about Tractor Supply a bit , the latest scuttlebutt , about the new assistant manager ( the old one quit at the same time I did , and ironically works for the same employer I work for now . ) I said , " Well , I enjoyed that job . . . " even as he said , " The whole company was founded on flawed principals , a corn pone idea that doesn 't work in today 's world . " I gaped a little bit , I 'm sure . I walked away , thinking . Perhaps that 's my problem , right there . Those corn pone ideals ? The ones that don 't work ? Don 't fit in today 's world ? The truth of it is this : I believe in them . I was raised to believe in them . They are at the core of who I am . I walked to the register clutching my two carriage bolts and wondering about this all . Luckily , I met a very funny cashier . She got out her little price book as we blabbed . She flipped to ' Galvanized Carriage Bolts ' and I said , " These are 3 / 8 x 8 . " At about that moment , the returns woman happened by to say , " Make sure you 're charging her for galvanized bolts . . . she was not charged for galvanized bolts the last time . " The cashier said , " I am , " pointing to the heading at the top of the page . I thought , " This woman thinks I am dishonest . " As she sped away , satisfied , the cashier and I continued our transaction . She was a talker , like me . She was funny , like me . Before it was over , we 'd shared a good giggle about brooms , and about husbands , and all sorts of stuff that had nothing to do with the carriage bolts and the bottled water . I walked across the parking lot feeling reassured that goodness and humor and hard work are not completely out of the picture . I got into my green truck and drove back home . I answered Tim before he could ask . " That return took a bit longer than I thought , because those bolts were priced wrong . And then I ran into some people . . . " He took a long pull on his water . After 15 years , he 's just about used to me . I 've begun job hunting . I didn 't expect that , but what I am finding is that I am very interested in focusing on behavior modification . I do have that capability of moving into that eventually , but where I currently work needs people in my position and you have to stay in that position for six months after hiring on . I saw jobs posted in the field that I am interested in , but they require a year with the company . Do I lock myself into a difficult position for one year ? My knee jerk response was to do just that , but I realized this : we spent a lot of money to get me to this point . I 'm currently working a job that requires a high school education . Nothing more . It is a low paying job , and staying in this job adds nothing to my resume that is not already there . I 've done this kind of work for a great portion of my life in a wide variety of settings . I am working nights now , and yesterday afternoon I woke up to go to the . . . well . . . I woke up . Never you mind . But when I came back to bed , I tossed and turned , sleepless . I was making a decision . Bob commented a while back that I was doing ' God 's work ' , and I agreed with him . I still do . The small moments when you ' break through to a client ' , when a nonverbal man stops screaming and looks you square in the eye , or when a man who sits in corner muttering to himself comes over to mutter to you , well , I wouldn 't trade them for anything . I feel like I 'm making a difference and that is all that I ever thought that I wanted to do . I found myself torn between doing right by those clients , and doing right by myself . I lay awake feeling selfish and ashamed . If I 'm doing God 's work , then I should trust that I will wind up doing what I 'm meant to be doing . On the same token , why in the world did I spent all that money if I can 't bring myself to break away from what I know and use that degree ? I wrestled with that for several hours and came up with this : I will apply . I 'll begin looking for jobs that are directly in my field working towards the direction I want to head with this career of mine . I 'll see what doors open . I 'll make a decision then . But , man , do I feel guilty . On our big trip to Erie , I took my sister out for breakfast , to thank her . As we stood at the register , paying for our meal , I saw this . Immediately , I thought of what an exciting thing this was back in the day . Gum that squirted . I loved this gum and chewed it all the time . I had no idea that it was still around , but there it was . I bought a pack immediately , and was excited about it . I have the slightest quarrel about the whole thing . There was a big sign : " Nostalgia Gums . " Beeman 's is a nostalgia gum . And Teaberry gum . I mean my dad chewed those gums when he was a young man , and he 's been gone for many years . But to stick Freshen Up gum there , I mean , well . . . I remember that . From my youth . Which means that it sure as heck does not fall under ' nostalgia gum ' . Posted by Well , as it turns out , I 'll know pass or fail next Thursday , not today . My understanding was that you had the initial pass / fail the following day , although you would not know your actual score for a week . That information was incorrect , and I will find out the 8th or 9th . I 'm just don 't feel anxious . Today was a quiet day , with cleaning . Tonight is my first night shift , and I curled up with a book to read myself to sleep . I read about Corfu and smugglers and William Shakespeare until I fell asleep . Except that I did not fall asleep blast my luck . Anyone have a guess as to what I was reading ? Yesterday , I got up and got ready for the big exam . I was dead calm and practically sick at the same time . ( How is that possible ? I don 't understand it myself . ) Tim drove " the good car " to work because I was meeting my sister who would be driving me to Erie . I would be leaving my car in a crowded Walmart parking lot for the day . The first snafu of the day ? My cell phone was not in my pocket . With a sick feeling , I realized that I 'd tossed it on the seat of the car I 'd driven home from work . Which was , coincidently enough , NOT the same car I was driving to meet my sister in . That car was enroute to Tim 's work , with Tim in it . I called my sister from my kitchen and said , " Don 't rush , I was looking for my cell phone , and I 'm leaving 15 minutes late , " in a very exasperated voice . She said , " Oh , thank goodness . I woke up 35 minutes late ! " Out the door I charged , at 6 : 45 . I drove the 45 minutes to where I was going to meet her , and on the trip , managed to get myself in a tizzie . For some reason , I became convinced that I had forgotten something . I drove while sorting through the paperwork in my purse . I needed 2 forms of ID , one with a picture . ( Being a bit anal about things like this , I had five things , including my birth certificate and marriage certificate . Check . I had my test authorization with the all important number . Check . But still the panicky feeling persisted . I pulled into the parking lot , and found my sister immediately . I transferred everything to her car and locked mine up . " Anna , " I said , " I 'm about sick here . I 've forgotten something , I just know it . " And she began to tick things off . " Got that . Yup . Got that . . . " I answered . She looked at me and said , " You 've got everything , relax . " Suddenly , I pushed the paperwork back at her . " It starts at nine , right ? I have to be there at nine . I haven 't made a mistake there , right ? " and she laughed at me . " It says nine . You 're good . " So we drove the next 45 minutes together . I fretted . I 'd made a conscious decision not to take any books . Everything that I 'd read They take their security seriously . I found out how seriously . I 'd heard that the room is kept cold for the computers , and someone said that they 'd nearly frozen to death while taking the test , because they were dressed in light summer clothing . So I wore a tank top , but had layered it with a light sweater . Part way through my test , I was too warm , so , never taking my eyes from the computer screen , I shrugged the sweater off absentmindedly and read on . I just about jumped out of my skin when a woman immediately came in and said sternly , " I 'm sorry . . . " ( * aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ! ~ ! ! My gosh , you scared the wits out of me ! ) and she said , " I 'm sorry . I 'll have to take that sweater . " ( I assumed she didn 't mean for keeps , because it is one of my stylish sweaters , so I let her take it . ) In any case , the test was 200 questions long . I had five hours . I figured that I could manage 40 questions an hour , so I wasn 't all that worried about time . I began , one at a time , taking my time , thinking carefully . We could mark questions we were doubtful about , and come back to them at the end of the test . At the end of the test , I went back two think on the two questions that I 'd marked , and then sat there . I thought , " I probably should just begin at the beginning and go through those questions again to check my answers . " Another part of me said , " NO ! Don 't ! All that does is cause you to doubt yourself . You always wind up changing your answer . " I wavered , and then decided to go with my first instincts on this test . My finger hesitated , and then I clicked " End test " even as my brain screamed " Nooooooooooooo ! ! ! ! I changed my mind . . . . I need to double check my answers . . . " I walked out of the computer room , and collected my things , ( including my confiscated sweater ) , and I was fingerprinted and my photo ID was checked once again . It was shocking to me that I 'd spent less than two hours in the room , and that made me all the more certain that I 'd rushed through the test and made mistakes . I should have double checked those answers . I went out into the sun , and sat down to wait for my sister . I could not call her , not having my cell , but you know , I needed a chance to process it all . I sat down in the grass , and I waited to see what I felt next . What I felt was . . . glad . . . just so glad to be sitting in the grass , to have that test behind me . Most astonishingly is that I felt certain that I had nothing to worry about . There was no fear . I sat there surprised and marvelling . This was not what I expected to feel at all , but I was glad for it . I looked down an beside me was a tiny gold finch feather . I picked it up and studied it , my own heart so light that I felt as if I too could fly . When my sister pulled up , I got in the car still holding my little feather . She had something to show me , and so we hied off to a second haOur greetings exchanged , we headed out once again , stopping to blab on the way . Stopping to blab on the way home . Coming home , the church bells began to strike the hour . And then they began to play a hymn . I found myself singing along in my head " Aaaaaaaaaaaa - le - looooooooooo - ya ! ! ! ! " I looked over at Tim and said , ' the bells are singing what I feel ' . Just like those bells , I wanted to ring out the good news . We rang the doorbell on Rachel 's big old house , but she was not at home . I walked back down town for a meeting , calling out , " Knock knock " from the front yard where Susan and her husband sat eating their supper on their front porch . I visited from the sidewalk and we all laughed together . The meeting was full of laughter and talking and planning , and then I walked home once more , turning into my own driveway where the solar lights glowed softly , and I thought once again , ' what a perfect day this has been ! ' and the church bells chimed 9 o ' clock . I felt like I couldn 't bear to be more happy than I was that very moment . Today , at 1 PM , I will put all my text books back on the shelf . I will fold up the table that has been a part of the livingroom for several weeks now , and I will put that back in the office . I 'll dust off my hands and head to work . I will be leaving early tonight . I did not expect that , but the house manager asked if I would like to , and I said , " Well . . . yes . . . actually . " It will help insure that I get a good night 's sleep for that certification exam tomorrow . Am I ready ? Heck . I don 't know . I studied yesterday , and by the end of it all , things were no longer making sense to me . That was very frightening there . This test is one of those where you can look at the answers and think that they 're all right . . . but the goal is to pick the answer that is most right . Most . Right . That 's what bites me . I failed these sorts of tests in a practice setting , one right after the other . I would think them out , and pick the one that I felt to be most right , and wouldn 't you know . . . there was always another one that was more right , and invariably , I was never able to see how to quantify right . Less right ? More right ? The teacher advised me that I was overthinking , and to just put down the first answer that came to my mind . I did that . I flunked that test too . Hardly the stuff that makes you flush with confidence . So , I studied yesterday , and I tried to break it up into chunks and take breaks , but by 8 last night , things were no longer making sense , so I stopped studying . I 'll study today after my coffee . Must have coffee coursing through my system to study properly . I 'll brush up on the METS scale , the Allen Cognitive levels , the levels of spinal injury , and the primitive reflexes . And then I 'm going to stop . That will be the hardest part . I will put the books away . Tomorrow , I will head out early , meet up with my sister , who is driving me to the test site which is 1 and 1 / 2 hours from here . She will wait for the five hours , and then she will pick me up . She 's done this sort of thing before with the nursing certification exam . She waPosted by I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal . |
How do you tell a true friend ? Well , today , I was helping the neighbor bust up concrete , and dig out for a new sidewalk . . . one that had extended onto our property line . As agreeable as Don is , I sure hated seeing him working so hard doing something that was , rightfully , our responsibility . So when I heard him out there this morning thunking away at the concrete , I jumped out of bed , threw on some clothes and a hat and headed out to give him a hand . I managed to slop my coffee down the front of my tee shirt as I juggled two spades and my coffee . After a few hours , I 'd worked up a healthy sweat . I was filthy . It was at that point , we noticed bees coming out of the ground , so I decided to grab a can of bee spray from the local store . A true friend is the one you meet up with when you are dirty and sweaty , no make up , with a coffee stain down your front , a ball cap covering your unwashed hair . A true friend , Lord love her , is still thrilled to see you . Posted by Today , there was a big fat packet in the mail box . It was the results of my recent certification exam , my certificate , my handy little card . A pin that says COTA . I dreaded that test . I spent most of the summer being quite anxious about it . I took it . I passed it . I got 513 points out of 600 . Not great , but not horrible , I imagine . It makes me laugh , a bit . Everyone chided me about my concerns , telling me that I would pass . I surely did not feel all that confident . Perhaps it is a fact : you know me better than I know myself . Yesterday , Tim and I took a walk . We found a small Andes gas kitchen stove , old . I reckon from the 30s , although I have not yet found anything to verify that . Ceramic over steel , heavy as all get out . I said to Tim , " Isn 't that adorable ? " And he said , " It 's interesting . " I said , " I want that . All cleaned up , it would look cute in the second kitchen . " Without hesitation , he said , " Well , let 's go up and talk to the people . " The contractor immediately said , " What are your plans for it ? " I said , " A decoration for an old kitchen . " He said , in a considering way , " What about the two cast iron sinks ? " Tim said , " Where are those ? " And we went to look at them . . . two high back old fashioned sinks , one for the bathroom , with all the hardware . The kitchen one had the cast iron drainboard . The contractor said , " If you take all of this , I 'll give you the stove for free . " He 's talking to scrappers . In effect , he paid us $ 20 to take the stove , since that 's probably what those sinks will bring at the scrap yard . But who knows ? We might just use the kitchen sink in the second kitchen . We went back for the truck , and loaded all that heavy stuff up . A young guy walking down the street ran across to give us a hand , bless his heart . On the way home , we found an old floor lamp set out along side the street . I said , " We could use a floor lamp . " Tim said , " We don 't need one . " I said , " Well , yeah , we do . We could use one between the two chairs in the library . " So we stopped and put in in the back of the truck with everything else . After supper , we went to Lowes and got a new socket , and a lampshade from the second hand store . Tim did some rewiring , and put the lamp where it belonged . He agreed that we did need a floor lamp after all , and we got a nice old one that cost a mere $ 7 . 00 to make workable . I 'm pretty lucky to have a husband who is not ashamed of me and my quirks . I 've been taking pictures like a crazy person , and when we get the good computer back , I 'll finally have pictures of the house , as well as Bob the Buffalo . ( Sorry , he just seems like a Bob to me . . . ) I 've gotten pictures of all the stupid little details that I love so much about our house . You 've all been patient . On a sad note , Uncle Herman has passed , the grand patriarch of the family breadmaking reunion . It was obvious that he was slipping away from us , and the last two times we visited , his eyes had a far away look , like he was seeing another time , other people . He shook Tim 's hand when we last left and said , " You be good now , Timmy , " and for some reason that brought tears to my eyes , to hear my 55 year old husband called by his boyhood name . I cried for some miles in the car . There is something about the passing of a good person , someone who has lived his 90 years being a Godly man , a bit of a rascal ( he scandalized Aunt Anna 's family by riding his motor cycle to pick her up when they were dating ) . He has the wooden propeller from his last plane . He wrecked it , and Aunt Anna wouldn 't let him get another . He laughed like crazy when he told us that story . Uncle Herman was a Godly man with a wild hair . He was such an interesting charactor , and the family reunion will not be the same . Uncle Herman is the latest in a string of family losses . We have lost three of our elders , all in their 90s , in the last three weeks . It is a sad time . Well , I 'm not getting anything done sitting here . I will head out to spray down that stove yet again ( I 'm peeling away years of grime , one layer at a time . ) I 'm also going to help the neighbor bust some concrete . Oh , excitement abounds here . . . I bought a shoofly . I also babysat a puppy for a morning , and discovered that while Cesar might be the dog whisperer , I , my friends , am a puppy pooper . After a morning of fun with me , Mary returned to her sweet puppy who fell sound asleep in her lap almost immediately , and slept for two solid hours , waking up to pee , and fall back asleep once again . The FBI has been in contact . They 've locked our computer , they say , due to the fact that we have indulged in pornography or illegal downloading . Once we pay the fine , they will unlock it , the official looking message says . They have directions on how to pay this fine . Tim had just heard about this virus on the radio , so he was earnestly trying to explain it to me . We 've been married long enough for me to know that he is neither a pedophile or a zoophile ( is that even a word , for the good Lord 's sake ? ) and I know for a fact that there is no sense to illegally download music since I never did find my Ipod , well , I stopped him right away , and assured him that I had no doubts . Dan Ralston ? Get ready . Me and my computer are headed your way . . . again . In the meantime , I won 't be able to comment on blogs , since a single comment becomes an exercise in patience ( patience , it would appear that I do not have . ) Work continues to be a challenge , but there may be a light at the end of this tunnel . I simply gave up . The woman was so very angry that once I got my work done , I wearily decided that she was going to be mad at me if I continued to work . She would also be mad at me if I read a book . So I sat down and in between laundry loads , I read some Maya Angelou and tuned her out completely . I have had a private chat with personnel and our building manager , who assure me that this is being handled . The seasons are changing , and it is a reminder to me that nothing stays the same . Last blog post I was crying about changes . This blog post , I am praying for them . Life 's funny like that , innit ? It might be awhile till you see me lurking about your blogs again . The old computer is way slow . See you in the next week or so . Posted by We have such a nice house now . Not that we didn 't before , but this one , well , it 's really quite a remarkable home . The nicest home I 've ever lived in . We primarily live on the first floor , Tim and I , but upstairs , there is another bathroom , right next to Cara 's room . We call that Cara 's bathroom . It 's a nice bathroom . She has a nice bedroom , with a fireplace . Right now it is full of stuff . Lots of stuff . For several years now , Cara 's room has actually been sort of a drop - off zone , where things are left , things are taken . Stuff comes and goes . She didn 't come home much this summer . She was planning her move to Altoona , working . Earlier this month , I took her there . With , predictably , a load of stuff . Still lots of stuff remains , up there , upstairs in Cara 's room . Talking to her last night on the phone , I said something , I don 't know . Can 't remember , but Cara said , " Um . Mom . You do get it , right ? You understand that I will never live at home again . " Tonight , I went upstairs , to that lovely bathroom . Cara 's bathroom , right there at the top of the stairs , and to the right , Cara 's bedroom , all full of Cara 's stuff . We have a beautiful home , the sort of home that I wish that our children had the opportunity to grow up in . We have it now , and our children don 't live here . They will never see it as home . I don 't know . . . I guess that I did know it , deep down . So . I went to Lowe 's to pick up six bags of mulch . They were heavy and wet from the rains that we 've had , but I 'm a strong gal , and so I threw them on the cart and headed for the register . There was a woman in front of me with two carts of distressed plants , which are sold for a fraction of the price . Unfortunately , the plants had to be hand rung , over riding the price on each and every one of the probably 30 plants that she had , so it took a while . The cashier apologized . The customer apologized . No need , though , because I 'd just been in the distressed plant section and I did not find any perennials . Plenty of annuals , but I don 't do annuals . When I plant something , it needs to stay planted , and it needs to come up year after year . None of this planting the same plants year after year . But I digress . Evidently , I 'd gone through the distressed section after this woman because she had two carts of perennials , and I found none . When everyone was apologizing , I said , " Don 't worry about it . I 'm a patient person . " I am . I have to be . Because if I 'd have found those plants before that customer in front of me , well , it would have been me holding up the line . So I waited , being all patient . I did find myself thinking , " Dang . I should have used the restroom . " But I was next in line , and I couldn 't just abandon the line . So I decided to just ' hold it ' . At the self same moment the woman behind me said , " You 're dripping . " That was a jolt , I 'm telling you . I looked at her , startled , thinking , ' I can 't be . I 'd have noticed something like that , for goodness sake . ' She was pointing . I looked down . Sure enough , there was an ever increasing puddle . From the wet mulch . I started laughing . Makes you look like an fool , when you 're laughing and can 't tell someone why . Posted by I 've switched to night shift . The house manager asked me to train a young boy , acknowledging that the woman working with him on night shift is horribly impatient and she is afraid that they will lose the young boy . She feels that he has a good heart , and can become a good person to have on staff . I said yes . Mostly being tired of dealing with the immaturity of second shift . Imagine my shock to go on nights and discover that the boy that I 'm supposedly training has jumped ship to days , and I am now working with the horribly impatient woman on third shift . She 's awful . She swears constantly , and throws things . I 'm kind of boggled that she gets away with this behavior , but she has . Mostly because there is no one else to fill her position , I reckon . It 's been interesting . My first impression was that she was simply frustrated with the second shift people who simply do not do what they are supposed to do . Despite meeting after meeting , nothing changes . The attitude was summed up by their joy that I was leaving . There was fist pounding and the comment was made , to general hilarity , that it was ' their house , their rules . ' That sums it up I guess , and telling them that it is NOT their house isn 't going to solve anything . I have been with the company for three months now , and at each of our monthly meetings , I 've listened to my new partner blast second shift . Privately , I felt she was right , but the fact is , she was far more abrasive than she needed to be . Now that I am working with her , I see how it is : no one in the house can do things to her satisfaction . I know that I am a hard worker . I take pride in this . I am a level headed person who has learned to measure her words . I 'm kind of proud of that . I reported to my new shift , and I was not concerned . Except she has become bitterly angry that I do too much . I was flabberghasted by this . I work four 10 hour shifts , from 10 at night until 8 : 30 the next morning . I keep alert by keeping myself busy . There are plenty of things to do in a house , and so between patient care ( which is far less at night ) , I keep the washer going , and the dryer going . I clean like hellzapopping . I was happy that the adjustment to third shift was easier than I anticipated . Imagine my surprise when she threw a laundry basket and snarled , " This fucking bullshit ends tonight ! " and stormed out of the room . I tried to reason with her , but she just refused to discuss it . It has steadily gone down hill . Lots of cursing and slamming , sarcasm , and unprofessionalism . I discussed this with management who readily acknowledges that she has a problem ( she threw a walker at another coworker ) . They asked me to document . It is an uncomfortable situation , being alone in a house with a woman who has no self control , and I am carefully documenting things . Everyone is assuring me that I am not the problem , but I certainly have one . Yesterday , a boss called to check in . She was encouraging , and telling me to hang in there , that I am a great asset , etc . etc . It came to me clearly that what she was looking for was some sort of affirmation that I would not leave my job , and suddenly , it hit me . The truth of it came as a big shock . For 55 years , I 've been working at dead end jobs . I did them because I had no choice . I did them because I was a single parent with three children . I continued to do them to make ends meet when Tim and I married and suddenly were dealing with the expenses of a single household and five children . There were braces , and college educations . We both worked , and we worked hard , and we often worked more than one job . I had no choice but to deal wI did not say those words . Posted by I took my certification exam last week . The website went down yesterday to load the results . It did not come back up until sometime this morning . I 've was pretty confident when I walked out the door of the testing center , and I 've never really been afraid , but I 'm not a girl to count her chickens before they hatch . I passed the certification exam . I 'm now a Certified Occupational Therapy Assistant . Well , last night I went to Lowes . My beloved had bought 3 / 8 x 6 in carriage bolts and discovered that he needed 3 / 8 x 8 in carriage bolts . We are ( he is ? ) currently in the process of replacing the second story deck on the back of a house overlooking the river , so one can see that going to the store to exchange the bolts was vital to the success of this mission . ( Yes . I watched ' Act of Valor ' . ) I walked into the store , and the little woman at the return desk took my receipt and there the trouble began . The receipt and the bolts did not match . She got out her little book and she began to mutter . Seems that my bolts were galvanized and the bolts that I 'd been charged for weren 't , and furthermore , they 'd charged me for the wrong size bolts , so it appears that Tim got quite a bargain on the first set of bolts . Since he 'd bought a bunch of other hardware , I 'm pretty sure that he did not notice that he had saved about $ 1 . 50 She flipped through the book to show me the differences in the prices even as I stared thinking , ' Well , surely you are not going to pay me the higher price for the return , so what does any of this matter ? ' She said very briskly , " I 'm not going to take these back at the higher price . " I said , mildly , " Well , I don 't expect to receive any more than I spent , " thinking ' My God ! If I were pulling some sort of scam , I would have not come back in the door with my receipt . ' But she processed the rest of the return , handed me my $ 2 . 33 . I hied myself swiftly to carriage bolts ( yes , I knew exactly where to go ) . Along the way I met a former coworker from Tractor Supply , one who 'd left some months before me . He asked how my new job was going . " Good , " I said . We talked about Tractor Supply a bit , the latest scuttlebutt , about the new assistant manager ( the old one quit at the same time I did , and ironically works for the same employer I work for now . ) I said , " Well , I enjoyed that job . . . " even as he said , " The whole company was founded on flawed principals , a corn pone idea that doesn 't work in today 's world . " I gaped a little bit , I 'm sure . I walked away , thinking . Perhaps that 's my problem , right there . Those corn pone ideals ? The ones that don 't work ? Don 't fit in today 's world ? The truth of it is this : I believe in them . I was raised to believe in them . They are at the core of who I am . I walked to the register clutching my two carriage bolts and wondering about this all . Luckily , I met a very funny cashier . She got out her little price book as we blabbed . She flipped to ' Galvanized Carriage Bolts ' and I said , " These are 3 / 8 x 8 . " At about that moment , the returns woman happened by to say , " Make sure you 're charging her for galvanized bolts . . . she was not charged for galvanized bolts the last time . " The cashier said , " I am , " pointing to the heading at the top of the page . I thought , " This woman thinks I am dishonest . " As she sped away , satisfied , the cashier and I continued our transaction . She was a talker , like me . She was funny , like me . Before it was over , we 'd shared a good giggle about brooms , and about husbands , and all sorts of stuff that had nothing to do with the carriage bolts and the bottled water . I walked across the parking lot feeling reassured that goodness and humor and hard work are not completely out of the picture . I got into my green truck and drove back home . I answered Tim before he could ask . " That return took a bit longer than I thought , because those bolts were priced wrong . And then I ran into some people . . . " He took a long pull on his water . After 15 years , he 's just about used to me . I 've begun job hunting . I didn 't expect that , but what I am finding is that I am very interested in focusing on behavior modification . I do have that capability of moving into that eventually , but where I currently work needs people in my position and you have to stay in that position for six months after hiring on . I saw jobs posted in the field that I am interested in , but they require a year with the company . Do I lock myself into a difficult position for one year ? My knee jerk response was to do just that , but I realized this : we spent a lot of money to get me to this point . I 'm currently working a job that requires a high school education . Nothing more . It is a low paying job , and staying in this job adds nothing to my resume that is not already there . I 've done this kind of work for a great portion of my life in a wide variety of settings . I am working nights now , and yesterday afternoon I woke up to go to the . . . well . . . I woke up . Never you mind . But when I came back to bed , I tossed and turned , sleepless . I was making a decision . Bob commented a while back that I was doing ' God 's work ' , and I agreed with him . I still do . The small moments when you ' break through to a client ' , when a nonverbal man stops screaming and looks you square in the eye , or when a man who sits in corner muttering to himself comes over to mutter to you , well , I wouldn 't trade them for anything . I feel like I 'm making a difference and that is all that I ever thought that I wanted to do . I found myself torn between doing right by those clients , and doing right by myself . I lay awake feeling selfish and ashamed . If I 'm doing God 's work , then I should trust that I will wind up doing what I 'm meant to be doing . On the same token , why in the world did I spent all that money if I can 't bring myself to break away from what I know and use that degree ? I wrestled with that for several hours and came up with this : I will apply . I 'll begin looking for jobs that are directly in my field working towards the direction I want to head with this career of mine . I 'll see what doors open . I 'll make a decision then . But , man , do I feel guilty . On our big trip to Erie , I took my sister out for breakfast , to thank her . As we stood at the register , paying for our meal , I saw this . Immediately , I thought of what an exciting thing this was back in the day . Gum that squirted . I loved this gum and chewed it all the time . I had no idea that it was still around , but there it was . I bought a pack immediately , and was excited about it . I have the slightest quarrel about the whole thing . There was a big sign : " Nostalgia Gums . " Beeman 's is a nostalgia gum . And Teaberry gum . I mean my dad chewed those gums when he was a young man , and he 's been gone for many years . But to stick Freshen Up gum there , I mean , well . . . I remember that . From my youth . Which means that it sure as heck does not fall under ' nostalgia gum ' . Posted by Well , as it turns out , I 'll know pass or fail next Thursday , not today . My understanding was that you had the initial pass / fail the following day , although you would not know your actual score for a week . That information was incorrect , and I will find out the 8th or 9th . I 'm just don 't feel anxious . Today was a quiet day , with cleaning . Tonight is my first night shift , and I curled up with a book to read myself to sleep . I read about Corfu and smugglers and William Shakespeare until I fell asleep . Except that I did not fall asleep blast my luck . Anyone have a guess as to what I was reading ? Yesterday , I got up and got ready for the big exam . I was dead calm and practically sick at the same time . ( How is that possible ? I don 't understand it myself . ) Tim drove " the good car " to work because I was meeting my sister who would be driving me to Erie . I would be leaving my car in a crowded Walmart parking lot for the day . The first snafu of the day ? My cell phone was not in my pocket . With a sick feeling , I realized that I 'd tossed it on the seat of the car I 'd driven home from work . Which was , coincidently enough , NOT the same car I was driving to meet my sister in . That car was enroute to Tim 's work , with Tim in it . I called my sister from my kitchen and said , " Don 't rush , I was looking for my cell phone , and I 'm leaving 15 minutes late , " in a very exasperated voice . She said , " Oh , thank goodness . I woke up 35 minutes late ! " Out the door I charged , at 6 : 45 . I drove the 45 minutes to where I was going to meet her , and on the trip , managed to get myself in a tizzie . For some reason , I became convinced that I had forgotten something . I drove while sorting through the paperwork in my purse . I needed 2 forms of ID , one with a picture . ( Being a bit anal about things like this , I had five things , including my birth certificate and marriage certificate . Check . I had my test authorization with the all important number . Check . But still the panicky feeling persisted . I pulled into the parking lot , and found my sister immediately . I transferred everything to her car and locked mine up . " Anna , " I said , " I 'm about sick here . I 've forgotten something , I just know it . " And she began to tick things off . " Got that . Yup . Got that . . . " I answered . She looked at me and said , " You 've got everything , relax . " Suddenly , I pushed the paperwork back at her . " It starts at nine , right ? I have to be there at nine . I haven 't made a mistake there , right ? " and she laughed at me . " It says nine . You 're good . " So we drove the next 45 minutes together . I fretted . I 'd made a conscious decision not to take any books . Everything that I 'd read They take their security seriously . I found out how seriously . I 'd heard that the room is kept cold for the computers , and someone said that they 'd nearly frozen to death while taking the test , because they were dressed in light summer clothing . So I wore a tank top , but had layered it with a light sweater . Part way through my test , I was too warm , so , never taking my eyes from the computer screen , I shrugged the sweater off absentmindedly and read on . I just about jumped out of my skin when a woman immediately came in and said sternly , " I 'm sorry . . . " ( * aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ! ~ ! ! My gosh , you scared the wits out of me ! ) and she said , " I 'm sorry . I 'll have to take that sweater . " ( I assumed she didn 't mean for keeps , because it is one of my stylish sweaters , so I let her take it . ) In any case , the test was 200 questions long . I had five hours . I figured that I could manage 40 questions an hour , so I wasn 't all that worried about time . I began , one at a time , taking my time , thinking carefully . We could mark questions we were doubtful about , and come back to them at the end of the test . At the end of the test , I went back two think on the two questions that I 'd marked , and then sat there . I thought , " I probably should just begin at the beginning and go through those questions again to check my answers . " Another part of me said , " NO ! Don 't ! All that does is cause you to doubt yourself . You always wind up changing your answer . " I wavered , and then decided to go with my first instincts on this test . My finger hesitated , and then I clicked " End test " even as my brain screamed " Nooooooooooooo ! ! ! ! I changed my mind . . . . I need to double check my answers . . . " I walked out of the computer room , and collected my things , ( including my confiscated sweater ) , and I was fingerprinted and my photo ID was checked once again . It was shocking to me that I 'd spent less than two hours in the room , and that made me all the more certain that I 'd rushed through the test and made mistakes . I should have double checked those answers . I went out into the sun , and sat down to wait for my sister . I could not call her , not having my cell , but you know , I needed a chance to process it all . I sat down in the grass , and I waited to see what I felt next . What I felt was . . . glad . . . just so glad to be sitting in the grass , to have that test behind me . Most astonishingly is that I felt certain that I had nothing to worry about . There was no fear . I sat there surprised and marvelling . This was not what I expected to feel at all , but I was glad for it . I looked down an beside me was a tiny gold finch feather . I picked it up and studied it , my own heart so light that I felt as if I too could fly . When my sister pulled up , I got in the car still holding my little feather . She had something to show me , and so we hied off to a second haOur greetings exchanged , we headed out once again , stopping to blab on the way . Stopping to blab on the way home . Coming home , the church bells began to strike the hour . And then they began to play a hymn . I found myself singing along in my head " Aaaaaaaaaaaa - le - looooooooooo - ya ! ! ! ! " I looked over at Tim and said , ' the bells are singing what I feel ' . Just like those bells , I wanted to ring out the good news . We rang the doorbell on Rachel 's big old house , but she was not at home . I walked back down town for a meeting , calling out , " Knock knock " from the front yard where Susan and her husband sat eating their supper on their front porch . I visited from the sidewalk and we all laughed together . The meeting was full of laughter and talking and planning , and then I walked home once more , turning into my own driveway where the solar lights glowed softly , and I thought once again , ' what a perfect day this has been ! ' and the church bells chimed 9 o ' clock . I felt like I couldn 't bear to be more happy than I was that very moment . Today , at 1 PM , I will put all my text books back on the shelf . I will fold up the table that has been a part of the livingroom for several weeks now , and I will put that back in the office . I 'll dust off my hands and head to work . I will be leaving early tonight . I did not expect that , but the house manager asked if I would like to , and I said , " Well . . . yes . . . actually . " It will help insure that I get a good night 's sleep for that certification exam tomorrow . Am I ready ? Heck . I don 't know . I studied yesterday , and by the end of it all , things were no longer making sense to me . That was very frightening there . This test is one of those where you can look at the answers and think that they 're all right . . . but the goal is to pick the answer that is most right . Most . Right . That 's what bites me . I failed these sorts of tests in a practice setting , one right after the other . I would think them out , and pick the one that I felt to be most right , and wouldn 't you know . . . there was always another one that was more right , and invariably , I was never able to see how to quantify right . Less right ? More right ? The teacher advised me that I was overthinking , and to just put down the first answer that came to my mind . I did that . I flunked that test too . Hardly the stuff that makes you flush with confidence . So , I studied yesterday , and I tried to break it up into chunks and take breaks , but by 8 last night , things were no longer making sense , so I stopped studying . I 'll study today after my coffee . Must have coffee coursing through my system to study properly . I 'll brush up on the METS scale , the Allen Cognitive levels , the levels of spinal injury , and the primitive reflexes . And then I 'm going to stop . That will be the hardest part . I will put the books away . Tomorrow , I will head out early , meet up with my sister , who is driving me to the test site which is 1 and 1 / 2 hours from here . She will wait for the five hours , and then she will pick me up . She 's done this sort of thing before with the nursing certification exam . She waPosted by I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal . |
Written from the heart , this is the unadulterated truth of live with multiple chronic illnesses and being housebound . My life open for you to follow . Please join me Posted on May 31 , 2016 by livinginalimitedword 9 I seem to be spending so much of my time confused these days , lost as to what is happening and when . I knew , and I have even mentioned them several times , that I have both hospital appointments and on top of that someone from Social Services coming to see me , but as to when any of these things were , well , next week was all that was in my head . It appears next week is far sooner than I thought . When Adam phoned me at lunchtime yesterday , he told me that he had managed to change the appointment with Gastro to an earlier slot on the same day . I had been worrying that going there so late in the morning , would lead to another horror story . I was so pleased that that one was sorted out , as I was quite honestly stressing about it already , and it 's not until the 16th of June , then Adam said something that made the colour drain from my face . This Wednesday morning I will be at the breast screening clinic . That particular appointment was originally supposed to have taken place back in January . Due to not even being able to book an ambulance for five different dates , it was finally shunted all the way to May . I don 't know why , but I didn 't think it was until next Monday , no , that wasn 't one of the possible dates , just one my brain managed to create all by itself , something it seems to be doing with ease recently . My confusion was all the greater as quite clearly , Monday would no longer be May , but my brain was quite happily just ignoring that fact . Not surprisingly , the fact I had that one wrong , meant the visit from Social Services had also become muddled . When Adam told me the other day , clearly , I wasn 't really able at the time to take in all that he was saying . He asked me something about would the two being in the same week , be too much for me . What he didn 't realise was that I was confused , so when he asked , I thought they would be three days to recover between them , not just one , plus , I thought I had the whole of this week doing nothing , just relaxing as much as possible , so no problem . Now I am faced with a total nightmare . Today , the shopping arrives , Wednesday , out to the breast clinic , Thursday to rest and then the assessment on Friday . This is a hugely busy and stressful week for me and I wasn 't even aware of any of it . Dates , times , and appointments , all things that seem to be becoming more and more muddled . It doesn 't matter how many times Adam tells me what is happening , or how many times I have written these things down , my brain is determined to make a total mess of them . It isn 't helped as Adam throws into the mix of chatter about other people , his family , what 's no TV and so on . What should be clear information , lands up in my mind as anything but . Then leave me alone with what he thinks is clear details , and slowly I turn it into anything but . We have come up with different ways of dealing with this in the past , but none of them work and none of them result in breaking my confusion . But that doesn 't mean that we have given up , I have come up with a new idea , one that is at least worth trying . Last night , I suggested to Adam , that every Sunday evening when we sit down together to watch TV , that the first thing we do , is to go over everything and anything that will be happening in the next 8 days . I want him to tell me about what he will be doing , if he has time off , or he 's doing something with his family . If we have hospital appointments or if anyone is going to be coming here . I am hoping that with it being clear defined information , that we discuss face to face , that I will be able to avoid the panic attacks , of being totally lost . Unless you have lived with confusion , it is something that is difficult to explain . I used to be so good at dates and so on , I never in my life had the need of a calendar or even a diary . I remembered everything , birthdays , days out , you name it , I knew when it was due to happen , at home , outside of it or at work . Finding that you can 't do something as simple as remembering the date of a hospital appointment , is scary . It 's even scarier when you suddenly don 't even know how old you are and have to work it out from the year you were born . Yes , that has happened to me , and more than once . We don 't expect our minds to drop information that simple and that vital , so when you are searching wildly for the answers , the fear starts to grow and just makes it worse by the second . It feels as though someone has managed to get inside your head , and has plucked all that you need that second , out of its home and planted it somewhere else , it 's just you don 't where . You run from place to place , to place , getting more and more desperate by the second . Should it be a case of someone else , telling you , you have it wrong , the effect is even worse . I had without any doubt in my mind , the next two weeks planned out , I knew where I was going to be , what I was going to be doing and I was safe . Suddenly , all that knowledge was ripped into tiny pieces and I was standing there desperately trying to catch each piece as it fluttered just out of reach . It was out of reach because I knew where it was meant to be , I had known for weeks , so how could this new information possibly fit into my life . Making it fit was like picking up a mallet and voluntarily hitting myself over the head with it and I had to do it , as I now trust Adams brain , far more than I do my own when it comes to this sort of information . Once you find your brain letting you down , even if it is within defined parameters , you start to mistrust it in others , but there is only so much double checking that you can do before you drive yourself insane . Watching your brain fall apart isn 't that easy to live with . I tried for a long time to pretend it wasn 't happening , but it is , and I know I can 't pretend it 's not any longer . It 's a growing fact , and something I am becoming more and more aware of . Which in an odd way , I guess is good . If I wasn 't aware , well I would be in a far worse place than I am . I don 't know who you are but good morning to the six people reading my blog at this very second , 10 : 49 am 31 / 05 / 14 . I really love that little globe at the top of my blog page , it has this strange effect of changing my mood , just by looking at it . There are days like today when I pop in to pick up the details for the link at the bottom of each post , to the post from 2 years ago and I am greeted by flags around the world , flags belonging to people who are connected to me , right at that second . Just knowing …… Posted on May 29 , 2016 by livinginalimitedword 22 Taking time out from blogging is starting to open up my life again . There has been a list of things waiting to be done , that I just didn 't have the energy to do . The other day , I started work again on what now feels like a long ago dreamed up list of the things that I need to know to put my mind at rest , when it comes to the subject , of my future . The other week I had broached the subject with Adam , about getting in contact with Social Services in regard as to what help they can and can 't give us . I did write about it , but it took a second discussion and my finding both the email address and phone number , before Adam contact them , at the beginning of this last week . Several phone calls later , and we have managed to arrange for someone , to come here and talk to us . Someone will be coming out to see us , at the end of next week , which just proves what I suspected , nothing happens as quickly as we want . If we had waited until it was to us an emergency situation , we would have been struggling for weeks . The next on the list , well it was , of course , sorting out the issues with the grave that I thought I owned in Aberdeen . Somehow , when my son died , the documents for the actual plot , landed up in my ex - husband 's name . To my surprise and delight , when my daughter took the documents to him , he too was shocked and signed all the papers needed , for the name change to take place . The next step would be really simple for most , but not for me . I had to make a phone call . This time , I knew that it had to be something that I did , and not something I could hand over to Adam . Despite all of the undeniable facts , that I am heading rapidly in a downwards direction , Adam is still finding doing anything that is connected to my death , extremely hard to deal with . I didn 't need to talk to him about that fact , so I knew that regardless how I hate the phone , I had to make this call . I have to admit , that it wasn 't just this dragging exhaustion , that was stopping me , but also the fact that I somehow had to talk to a stranger , and worse still , one I couldn 't see . Without a doubt , it had to be done on a good day , even then , I knew that I was going to have to work up to the point , when I could actually lift the receiver , and dial the number . I tried a couple of times last week but just couldn 't do it . I just knew they were days when things weren 't as good as they should be , so I waited . I know that might sound pathetic to many of you , but it really is something that is that difficult , for me to do . I eventually managed it on Wednesday afternoon . It lasted no more than five minutes , but I was so glad to hang up and take a breath equal to the one I took before I committed myself to action . They hadn 't mentioned it when I phoned to get the forms , a conversation that found me in tears within seconds of saying " Hello " , but still I wasn 't that surprised to discover there would be a charge of £ 34 to redo the documents . I actually made it right through the call without a single tear , just a lot of stuttering . I actually can 't remember when I last wrote a cheque , but fortunately , I had had the foresight to put my chequebook where I could and can still see it . Which proves I do have a brain occasionally . Adam took all the paperwork with him when he went to work , so he could post it for me . That evening , when we were just sat watching TV , he turned around to me and said , " I was thinking when I was at the post office , how weird life is . Just 16 years ago , we were happily living in our first flat together , and there I was posting off documents that referred to your funeral . How has this happened ? No one should be arranging their wife 's funeral while she is still very alive . " I thought for one horrible moment that he was unhappy about what I was doing , but it turned out that it wasn 't that close , it was more a case of no matter when it just wasn 't right . As I said to him , though , you just need to watch the TV adverts to see that these days , people are planning and paying for their own funeral all the time , it is becoming more the norm , just as it should be . Quite rightly , both of us actually still find it a hard subject to talk about freely . We do when circumstance brings the subject up , but it 's not a regular topic of conversation . Like most things , though , the more we do , the easier it seems to get . but no one wants to think about the actual event and all the stuff that surrounds it , it still feels a little like talking about it , means that we want it to happen , which of course , we don 't . I know that when I sit here writing about it , it does read as though I am totally at ease with all of it . I am no more at ease with it , than you are about your own death , it 's just I am the type of person who wants to remove all the added stresses of my death , from Adam . I will never remove the pain he will feel , but if I can make the rest easier for him , then I will . Death is a fact , and it does have to be discussed and I clearly believe that things have to be organised and arranged in advance . If I hadn 't started looking into it a couple of months ago , we wouldn 't have had a single clue , that my son 's grave was in my ex 's name . If that hadn 't been discovered until after I died , it would have caused huge issues . Once I have the documents all correct and legal to use , the next step is to once again , contact the funeral directors , and get it all signed and sealed ready for the date it will be needed . There is for me a strange comfort in getting all of this organised now . I 'm not looking forward to the meeting with Social Services , but it has to be done . We both need to know what they can and can 't do for us , and even just getting the first contact in place , so when things get worse , they are there , no hassle , no assessments , just hopefully a phone call and life will go on . Once that one is done , the next and final one on my list is to contact the hospice here in Glasgow and talk to them about their possible role in my life . Thing are moving slowly , but they are now moving . Another drug is now being prescribed for MS in the UK and once again I have received several really thoughtful tweets from people to let me know about it . I actually had for once beaten them to it as someone mentioned it months ago , of course , I checked it out straight away , only to be once more disappointed as it is for the treatment of relapse - remitting MS and of no use to me at all . Sometimes it nice …… Posted on May 27 , 2016 by livinginalimitedword 13 I found myself in so much pain the other night , that I quite honestly didn 't know how to stand up . I know that is one of those statements that sound almost flippant , " I couldn 't stand up " , but honestly , I couldn 't . There it was , a pain that when I tried to stand stopped me from pulling myself upright . I wasn 't even what I would call stooped , as the best I could do was to obtain a semi - sitting position , just without the chair behind me to account for the somewhat odd position . Luckily , I only had to take the few steps needed to sit in my wheelchair . It was a pain like no other I had felt in my lower stomach . I wasn 't in any doubt as to its cause , it was coming from my intestine and it was the pain of something moving incredibly slowly inside me . I had in fact first felt it 24 hours earlier , just not in that position , then it was just pain , now it was debilitating . It was far more a case of the position , rather than the level of pain that was stopping me from standing upright . I felt as though , not only my insides but my entire abdomen that would split if I tried to push myself any more upright than I was . Whatever my guts were trying to shift , it was struggling once more , thanks to the muscles that my PRMS had rendered useless long ago . Luckily for me , Adam had stood up quickly and left the room ahead of me . It was bedtime and I really hate Adam seeing me in that amount of pain , my wheelchair made it easy to disguise , as soon as I was sat again , there was nothing on the outside to be seen . Even on the inside , the pain subdued dramatically , clearly it was all about position , so sitting it was . From that point on , he wouldn 't see me trying to stand , so it was purely my problem . I also knew from experience , that it is the sort of pain that only lasts at most a couple of hours , but will appear again , once the stool has shifted to the next point , where my muscles can 't shift it , and so on until I can dispose of it , which luckily , is usually painless . I also knew from experience , that the stress that was already building about going to the hospital the next day , wasn 't going to be helping me much either . Just before we actually left the house the other morning , I took a morphine booster . I had woken that morning in pain and I knew what lay ahead , not the disaster with the stairclimbers , but the normal trip is stressful enough . One of the screw ups of the transport system is that you are not allowed to bring your own wheelchair with you . All the time you are actually in the hospital , you are stuck sat on the most uncomfortable contraption I have ever sat in . A hard chair that looks padded , but isn 't , on small wheels that mean you have to be pushed by someone else , clearly not designed for sitting on for endless hours . Having a painful stomach was only going to make matters worse . I lost count how many times Adam offered to help me out of it and onto a more comfortable , in his mind , chair , but it wasn 't really the chairs fault . I was twisting and changing position constantly , he thought that it was my bum that was sore , but he was way off the mark . It would have made not a scrap of a difference where I was sat , I still wasn 't going to be comfortable . When last night , I once again couldn 't sit still on the settee , and actually had to ask him to fetch my morphine for me , I got around to explaining what was up with me at that moment . Whenever my guts are this bad , it has a habit of triggering pain from my gallstones . On the whole , they really don 't bother me that much , but last night there was an added pain , one that I wasn 't quite able to explain to myself . When I leaned back , my gallstones caused pain in the front of me , when I leaned forwards to relieve it , I had an equal pain in my kidney on the same side . I should have done then what I didn 't until this morning , read up on what they symptoms of gallstones are . I already knew most of them , and on most sites , they told me just what I knew , then I found one that said the pain can shift into your back , and they can cause heartburn as well . Something else that I have had a lot of recently and couldn 't understand why . Even though I had taken the 10mg of Morphine that Adam brought to me at 7pm , it took right through until about half an hour after I had taken my night time meds , which included 70mg of slow release Morphine and 1200mg of Gabapentin at 8pm , to start to feel anything near comfortable . I know that most people would have been calling an ambulance if they were in that much pain , but I 'm not most people . I 'm used to dealing with pain , so this didn 't phase me as much as it would most , but if you still don 't understand why I didn 't call , well read my last post . Pain doesn 't really upset me any longer , it is one of those things that the longer you live with it , the more use to it you become . In fact , I have noticed that I don 't take nearly as many of my Morphine boosters now , as I did even a couple of years ago . It isn 't because the pain is less , it is more that I can now deal with it better inside myself . Once you realise that not even that level of pain is going to kill you , well you breathe through it and wait to see what happens , if that fails , then you wait for the tablets to work . I frequently find myself putting up with it for a couple of hours , before the idea of a taking a tablet appears . When the pain is in my stomach , I am more likely to take an anti - nausea pill than I am to take anything else . As the pain has become worse , so has the nausea . Hardly a day goes by , that I don 't find myself feeling like throwing up , or with a mouthful of sick , that has suddenly appeared . It doesn 't matter how much pain I am , feeling sick is something that always gets more of my attention and far faster . I am still waiting for my appointment with the Gastro consultants , and after the problems on my recent visit , I am quite honestly in two minds about going . Yes , that is how much it has affected me . Adam told me the other day , that the appointment is next month and that it is at 11 : 45 . If he can rearrange it to an appointment between 9am and 10 am , then I would feel far happier about going . It is a fact that we have learned over the years , the earlier you can be there , the sooner you get home and with fewer the problems . It makes sense if you think about it . We have had to endure several long and tedious waits for a four man crew to be free , as the stairclimbers have stopped working . The earlier in the day you use them , the more likely you are to have a smooth trip . No matter how much pain I am in , or how many times I have to eat extra tablets , I don 't want to go through another horrendous day like the last one . I am quite honestly , no longer up to it . Posted on May 25 , 2016 by livinginalimitedword 25 I hope you are sitting comfortably , as the tale I have to tell , has nothing comfortable about it . A simple hospital visit , that turned into a total nightmare . It should have been straightforward , the ambulance should arrive with plenty of time to take us to the hospital , see the doctor and another ambulance to take us home again . It should have been that easy , but it was nothing like that at all . My appointment was for 11 : 15 , but as always , we had no idea other than what we had been told by ambulance control , as to the when the ambulance would actually arrive . They as always had told Adam that it would be here , anytime after 8 : 30 am , the time my alarm would normally wake me for the day . So yesterday , my alarm was reset , for 6 : 45 , a somewhat ungodly hour that I wasn 't looking forward to at all . For me , an hour and three - quarters , is a lot of sleep to lose , but to be ready , what other choice did I have . As 8 : 30 arrived , both of us were now ready and there was nothing more to do , other than wait for the doorbell to ring . I went about my normal morning routine and found myself by 10 am , playing games just to fill in the time . Adam was pacing about , looking out the window in hope of seeing it approaching then sitting again for a few minutes until he thought he heard something . That is a game that I have given up on long ago , but it is a character that I recognise in myself from years ago . It was 10 : 40 when the buzzer rang and the crew started their way up the sandstone stairs to our flat . Even before Adam had our door fully unlocked and the storm doors held open for them , I could hear the noise of the stairclimber . As much as I hate those things , I have to some extent become used to them , but the racket they make is unmistakable . I had turned off the computer and had my coat on and sat in my wheelchair when the noise in the hallway changed . I even said to Adam could they have made more noise if they tired , as their voices were echoing around the stairwell . Then there was silence . Just for a few seconds , before their voices appeared again , but without the unmistakable noise of the climber . There was the odd sound of it trying to move , but the sound only lasted seconds , before we were back to the over loud attendants . I headed to the door , intrigued by this point as to what was going on . I arrived there at about the same instance as one of the attendants . The climber had broken down half way up the stairs , they couldn 't get the chair up nor down the stairs and were going to have to call into control for another two - man crew , so they could carry me down , or for another climber . We were just going to have to wait and see what would happen . As 11 : 15 arrived and went , Adam phoned the hospital to say we would be late . He returned to the living room , to let me know that it wasn 't a problem , we would be seen that day , either as soon as we got there , or we would be added to the afternoon list . Not perfect , but at least we were going to be seen . As luck would have it , the second crew arrived quite promptly and were made it to the hospital , before 12 . During the trip , we were told that the stairclimber had just returned into service , after spending the last 7 months in Germany being repaired . The crew were hopeful , though , that it just needed a properly charged battery . True to their word we were seen promptly and were back at the ambulance station within the hospital , to wait for our return trip by twenty past . We were with the consultant for about 15 minutes , discussing what had happened in the past six months . To be honest , I didn 't have a great deal to report , as my chest has been really quite good , just the odd difficult point which he put my mind at rest about , in fact , things have been so good that he suggested that we didn 't need to return , unless I was having problems . With Adam working in the same hospital , he can go and talk to them at any time if needed , so we are in a different position from many . Right to the point that he has said he can just drop of a sputum sample without even talking to them , should I be having new problems . It was at the point where we should have probably been leaving when I suddenly remembered that I had forgotten to bring my DNR with me , as I wanted it added on to my hospital records so that no mistakes could be made in the future . I had to once again show that I wasn 't depressed and that I knew what it meant before he agreed . But he congratulated me on my ability to have looked forwards and to have made this decision so that it didn 't have to fall on Adam in the future . We were about to leave when he once again gave me his standard warning about not being able to give me oxygen at home if I continued to smoke . I instantly pulled him up on it , and told him that I had read Scottish government policy that said the total opposite . As I went further in quoting some sections , he showed quite clearly , that he too had read it . Although not word for word , he too started to site parts of the policy document , both Adam and I knew then , it had been nothing but a hollow threat , and we had caught him out . Adam and I chatted about it on the way to the station room , I have to admit , that was quite smug about it actually . I seem to be growing stronger in my old age , as a few years ago , just because of his position in life , I wouldn 't have questioned him . I used to be very much part of the school of thought , as in " who am I to question someone more learned than myself " . We had been outside for a cigarette and had been waiting for well over an hour for our transport home , when the women who runs the system within the hospital , decided to phone and find out what was happening . We were told they would be there in 20 minutes , a time that came and went . She called again and while on the call , she put it onto speaker phone , ambulance control had just realised they needed another stair climber to get me home . It was then that I started to get uptight and reminded Adam about what I had said , just a couple of days before . I had had the strangest feeling that the whole day was going to be a disaster , one that was going to push me to the limits . Control ordered another ambulance to come for us , we had little faith in their timing of half an hour and it too came and went , but this time for just 5 minutes . When we arrived back here , well clearly , I thought that was it , it wasn 't . We were half way up the third flight of stairs when this stairclimber also broke down , this time , with me in it . I was in this half sitting , half lying down position and there was no way of getting me up or down , it was totally dead . Adam had run up the stair ahead of us , so he could get the doors open , it took him a couple of minutes to realise the noise in the hallway had changed and to return down the stairs to be with me . At first , I was fine , but when they called in and were told that there were no other batteries to swap over with and that carrying me was the only option , that I started to get wound up . I also heard them say , that not even a six - man crew could lift me and the chair , the whole thing was too heavy and didn 't have anything to hold onto , to lift it by . I was totally stuck . The tears started and my entire body was shaking as different nerves started to react to my distress . They did their best to calm me down and to reassure me that I was perfectly safe where I was , but trust me , it 's a position you don 't feel safe in . The crew were great and didn 't take the word of their control . They knew where there was a battery and they called the guy who had it . It was on board another ambulance which was at the Southern General , half an hour from our home . I was just going to have to try and calm down and accept what was happening . I had a cigarette and Adam brought me a drink and between the three of them , the took me through several fits of tears and tremors . Adam even took over holding the bottom of the chair so that I could see him with ease , which actually helped a lot . No matter how well trained these crews are , it was being able to see Adam and knowing he was holding the weight at the bottom of the chair , gave me more trust in the fact I was safe . The second battery arrived and switched them over . At last , we were on the move again . This is where it gets beyond a joke , half way up the final flight , it too broke down . I was once more stranded . It was the first time that luck came into this whole things . As they are apparently designed to do , there was enough power to go downstairs , but not up , so we at least could return to the landing , where we waited for assistance again . Another 15 minutes of waiting and yet another crew arrived , this time , I changed into the chair they can carry , and that was how I eventually arrived home . I know this post is long , but it was a long day and one that that needed to be written about , as without a doubt , it is a mirror to the state of NHS . At 4 pm yesterday , the time I arrived back in my home , there wasn 't a single working stair climber in the entirety of Glasgow . Nor will there be today , as those batteries take a full 24 hours to charge and no , they don 't have spare ones charging all the time . By bedtime last night , I still had that feeling that I could burst into tears any second , I was right on the edge and I had no idea how to get rid of it . I have to admit , that even writing this , has made me feel that way again . I am sure that you also understand why it has taken till now for me to make a post at all , something , I thought I might have managed to write when I was home yesterday . The bad news is , that I once again have to put my life in the hands of the ambulance service next week . I just hope it is nothing like yesterday . I woke at midnight , I wasn 't sure the second I woke what was wrong I just knew something was and that it had broken my sleep abruptly . Then it happened again , I can say that as the second it did I knew that was it , that was what had disturbed me , something really hard to do these days . My lower legs both of them were in pain and not a spasm , this was different almost as though they were causing me pain just because they could . I lay there for a few seconds …… Posted on May 21 , 2016 by livinginalimitedword 20 It has been odd not spending my afternoon 's writing , so odd that I constantly checked the time , just to believe that I really was still on track with my day . My routine is so deeply etched into my soul now , that not doing what I have done every day for four years , felt like I was back in childhood , doing something wrong and waiting to be caught . I honestly had to stop myself from starting my next post or writing the piece that I have promised to another website . Yes , I am still adding in things to put just that bit more pressure on myself . I did though have the sense to tell them I wasn 't going to work to a deadline and if they wanted a piece , well it had to be at my pace , no theirs . There was another change that I had yesterday , I ate a lunch cooked and prepared by Adam . Normally at lunchtime , I either have something bought in and cold , or I have cereal , but at the start of the week , out of nowhere , I suddenly had a craving for pasta , mayonnaise , sweetcorn and tuna , all things I knew were in the house . I had to fight off the temptation to just make it , but I remember all too clearly , that I have had far too many pans blackened with pasta stuck firmly on the bottom , so I resisted . I waited for Adam to come home and to cook it for me , and because he offered , to do the rest as well , I let him . In general , I 'm not a fan of Adams cooking . It has far more to do with the things he chooses or offers to cook for me , than the cooking itself . I am really not a fan of fish finger drenched in vinegar and salad cream or anything else off the somewhat kindergarten concoctions he enjoys . If he were to buy or prepare for me a portion of sushi , or baked camembert with black pudding , well , I will enjoy every scrap . I was sure , though , that there was little harm he could do to my request , as long as he didn 't let the pasta go soggy , which is the way he likes it . Not only did he do a good job , that I really enjoyed , but he kept telling me all evening how nice it was to be allowed to cook for me . It is one of the few things that I rarely let him do , due to my list of really good reasons . I had just finished eating my lunch when the phone rang , it was Adam , calling as he always does if it 's raining and he isn 't coming home . For once , he wasn 't so worried about me , as he was as to if I enjoyed my food . I think I have let a monster out of the bag , as he was also offering to buy more sweetcorn so he can make some more . I am just waiting to see when and if , he can come up with something palatable so he can keep cooking . I hadn 't realised that such as small thing , as asking him to boil some pasta for me , could inspire and be something that has a clear meaning and such an importance to him . He offers all the time and I honestly only turn him down for one of two reasons , it 's too late in the day , or I quite honestly can 't stomach whatever it is , he is planning to make . When you don 't have a great appetite , whatever you do eat , has to appeal . My fall back , for when there is nothing that I fancy is always cereal , I seem to be able to always eat that . Otherwise , it has to tick all the boxes on flavour , textures , and also appearance , or all I will do is pick at it and land up , not really eat at all . For Adam , if a meal doesn 't have a huge portion of animal based protein , there 's no point eating it . It along with everything else on the plate has to be cooked , to within an inch of its life , as it means he doesn 't need to chew it . Our approach to food is at different ends of the scale , but I so wish they weren 't , as I can clearly see the pleasure he gains , from this one small act . Resting is something that I am having to teach myself how to do . Trust me , it is a hard thing for someone who has spent their entire life , running as fast as their bodies will allow them . Even though I am so tired that doing anything is testing , I have found it so difficult , to do almost nothing . I knew true " nothing " was a long way off possible , that just isn 't me , but stopping myself from doing anything beyond the minimum online , has been hard . That 's why I started with two days without writing . Even though it was challenging , I honestly needed it more than I actually knew . I have slept each afternoon and when awake , I just sat playing gentle games like Sadako , to occupy my mind , yet still at the end of both days , I was as tired as I started . My exhaustion has been so clear to see , that even Adam went into one of his worry wart states . I don 't know what you 're like , but when I am this tired , I am also not exactly talkative , nor is my ability to follow conversations at it 's best . Adams answer is to chatter away to me , about everything and anything , in all honesty at times , I haven 't had a clue about what . Because I haven 't answered with vibrant responses , he got it in his head yet again , that there was a problem between us . I guess this happens at least once a month , but with me the way that I am just now , it appeared quicker than usual . Just as I was going to bed the other night , he stopped chattering , went serious and asked : " Have I done something to upset you ? " . I have heard those words so many times , and my answer has and probably always will be the same , " No " . My brain is so far away just now , that my being quiet , isn 't something I even notice . I hate the idea that my health makes him think that way . He is the last person on this planet that I ever want to hurt , but finding the ways to put his mind at rest constantly , when my body and mind are locked up as they are , is tough . I don 't think there is anything much crueler that I can think of , than the fact , that my chronic illness , keeps hurting him . I was on one of my picture searches earlier today and for some reason I can 't remember now I put in a search for the house I grew up on , Friendville . The same search a couple of years ago brought up absolutely nothing , today , well it is flooded with information and photo 's . It just shows you what the power of a business has over the web . It still hurts slightly , to know that it is a glorified hotel , rather than a family home these days , as well families truly care about every stone of the place they live , businesses see then as assets and nothing more . I went through their website … . . 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Well , it 's the last day of 1984 . Today was still as boring as ever . I 'm sitting at home on New Year 's Eve , listening to the radio and writing my diary . I don 't mind though . I can 't see the sense in staying up late just to see the clock strike 12 , Big Deal . You wake up the next morning and it 's still New Year 's Day . Why watch the very first minute of it ? We 're going down to Aunty Pat 's and Uncle Henry 's again tomorrow which is good . I need something to break this boredom . I was so bored today that I read for five hours with a break for lunch . ( I finished the book ) . Mum made me a dress today . I think it looks alright but I 'm not sure . Nothing at all has been happening lately and I 'm terribly bored . Dad 's cousins from Mackay came to Nan 's today and we had lunch over at her place . Aunty Cor and Owen and Trent also came up . That 's all that happened for the whole day . I was so bored that I cooked again . There were hardly any customers at work this morning , it was very boring . I had to work with Donna Hemlock . She 's nice but a bit wild . Mr Myer ( the boss ) went off at me twice . Shane Ludbrock invited me to his New Year 's Eve party but I don 't think I 'll go . We went to mass in town tonight but Paul wasn 't there . Jo went though and I had a few words with her . Today was very boring , dull , uninteresting , event - less etc . All I did all day was play games and cook again . Although I did do my piano practice for the first time since my lesson about a month ago . The holidays are a real drag unless someone 's here . I hope to get Joanne up again soon . I have to work tomorrow and Kelly won 't be there so I don 't really want to go . Work 's bad enough without Kelly being away . I cooked a slice today . I haven 't cooked for ages but this recipe was so simple . It 's from a cook book Mum got for Christmas . Mason & Aaron ( his brother ) and Aunty Pat came up today and we had lunch at Nan 's with them . Joanne came up to give me my Christmas present today . She gave me a gorgeous calendar . It 's got really cute pictures for every month . I dropped hers in their mailbox yesterday . I was so tired today that I went to sleep at Nan 's for about 1 hour . I wonder if Paul will ring me ? I really hope he does , but I doubt it . I 've eaten so much that I 've put on 3kgs in 3 weeks . How disgusting . I 'll have to try and do something about that . I 'm 53kgs and I want to be 45 - 47 . But I doubt it very much that I 'll make it . Today was great . I love Christmas . First , to start the day , Mum 's parents and her sister 's family and her brother came to our place . We had just our family 's presents then we had Mum 's side 's presents . After that I gave a little concert to them all . I used to be very shy at playing the piano in front of people but now I quite enjoy it . After this we went to Aunty Pat & Uncle Henry 's place for lunch ( they are Mason 's parents ) . To get to their place we have to go down a back road . It 's fairly long and I drove on it . I shouldn 't have really because I don 't have a license but cars rarely travel on it . It 's the first time I 've driven on a public road . When we got home we had presents at Nan 's with Dad 's side of the family . I handed them out . After this we had Christmas dinner . Well , it 's the day before Christmas . I love Christmas time , especially being around the whole family . We went to Christmas mass tonight . We took Yoko because Drydens ( the people she 's staying with ) aren 't Catholics and Yoko is . Yoko did say something to Paul about the party . She always says the right thing at the right time . She also told me Paul will ring me to thank me for the Christmas card . I can 't wait until he does . Yoko told me next year 's exchangee is a guy from Switzerland . He 'll also be in Grade 12 . I hope he 's cute ! We went over to Nan 's after mass tonight . We always do on Christmas Eve , just for a drink and some Christmas cake . I can 't wait until tomorrow . Joanne 's grandfather died today . He 'd been ill for quite some time . Mum went down to see if she could do anything for the Willetts which meant I had to milk . I haven 't been over to the dairy for months . I hate milking . It 's so boring . I hope I don 't marry a dairy farmer . Chloe and Karen left this morning . They may be coming back later in the holidays . I hope so because we get terribly bored if no one is here except us . I was helping Melissa sew today . It 's her first attempt . She 's doing very well , but , like me , she has very little patience . Melissa and I watched " Romeo & Juliette " tonight . Seeing love stories really makes me feel lonely . I feel I need someone to love me but I don 't think it will ever happen . I went to work this morning and saw something which shook me up quite a bit . Paul T was holding hands with Robyn Flemming , who is one of the biggest dags in the school . That means Paul T must go for the daggy girls which says a lot for me ! It also means he didn 't like me after all , either that or he gave up , but I don 't think he really did like me . We went swimming in the river today with Karen and Chloe . The water was beautiful . This morning Mum booked a unit at Sandpiper ( where I went with Willetts ) for next year . We 're going in the first two weeks of the Christmas holidays . I can 't wait ! Peter found out his T . E . score today . He got 905 which is also very good . My brain of a cousin Mason Benning , of course , got 990 . We went to mass tonight and I saw Paul O ' L . It was really great seeing him again . I was going to talk to him but he came to me instead ! He said , " What 's this I hear about you , Miss Benning ? " I didn 't have a clue what he was talking about . And he said I should have taken it for granted that I was invited to his farewell party . You see , I was saying to Yoko that I didn 't thank he 'd invite me . Anyway , Yoko must have told him , I 'm glad she did . Mum must be going to let me go because she told me to think about a present to buy for him . His party is on the 13th and I can 't wait . The bad part is , he 's leaving 4 days after . I 'm really going to miss him . Chloe came with us to mass tonight because Aunty Kaye & Uncle Frank took Nan & Kevin so there wasn 't enough room for Karen and Chloe in their car . We went to Bodallin and the others went to Hilldale . I 'm glad we went into town because I saw Paul . Well , I 'm home . I had to leave at 6am . I came home with Mr Willett . Karen and Chloe are at Aunty Kaye 's place . They are Peter 's sisters . I arrived home at 7am and was at Aunty Kaye 's most of the day . She was baby sitting the next door neighbour 's two girls and baby boy , so we helped . David Barrett found out his T . E . score today , he got 970 which is very good considering 990 is the highest possible score . 970 is the minimum requirement for vet science at Uni which is what he wants to do , so he made it ! Today we went roller skating . I 'm absolutely hopeless . But it was fun . We sunbaked at the beach but didn 't go swimming in it because the water was freezing . So we went swimming in the pool and then sunbaked again . I got burnt so I hope it goes brown . It 's Peter 's birthday today and Joanne sent him a card . We went to Sea World all day today and it was fun . We went on 13 rides . I bought Ann a postcard and I 'll send it tomorrow . We haven 't seen those guys since last night , it 's very depressing . We went walking along the beach this afternoon and went in the spa for a few minutes . At Sea World we went on the Corkscrew 6 times and we had to sit in the front seat because that 's where I saw Joey sitting in a magazine . I sat in both sides so I have definitely sat in the same spot as him . How thrilling ! ! ! I finally got to the coast ! We were swimming in the pool for ages then we went to Pacific Fair . I got Mum 's Christmas present , some perfume . Joanne gave me the biggest surprise of my life , and best one , too . SEVEN PICTURES OF JOEY PERRONE ! ! ! Real live ones . He was performing at Pacific Fair all last week and she took some photos . And I missed him ! ! We were looking out the bedroom window tonight and these two guys in the next unit 's spa started waving and blowing kisses at us . I asked them how old they were and one was 17 , I don 't know the other one 's age . They were telling us to come down but we didnt . We hope they 're cute . We couldn 't tell from five floors up , in the dark . Anyway , we 'll probably see them tomorrow , I hope . I 'm finally going to the coast tomorrow ! ! Today was boring . Although I was ironing and the cord shorted out . There were flames and sparks and it scared the hell out of me . Practically all I did today was iron , watch TV & swim on the tramp . I can 't wait until tomorrow ! I went to another Tooradin Dance tonight and when I arrived I wanted to go straight home again . But it ended up to be OK . I knew that none of my friends were going but I thought either Brad 's family or Eric 's family of Streets may go . But neither did . That 's why I wanted to go home . But then Karen Johnson started talking to me and it was alright after that . I only had 2 dances in the end . There were no guys there at all to dance with . Benny Schneider came in for a few minutes and I haven 't seen him for about a year . He has a twin , Bryant , and they moved to Mt Isa last year but come back for the holidays . Anyway , I liked either Benny or Bryant or both for a total of about a year , but being the most popular guys in Bodallin , I didn 't have a chance . Although at one dance Bryant held my hand and had his hand on my knee . But I was only 14 and I didn 't know what to do because I 'd never had a boyfriend so nothing came of it ( worst luck ) . They 're both absolutely gorgeous . Today was the last day of school for the primary schoolers and the grade 8s & 9s . Tooradin School ( my old school ) had a break - up day picnic and we went down . Yoko also came . It was quite a good day . They had races and a treasure hunt for the school kids but the best part was the concert they put on . Melissa was in the choir and I had to tape myself playing the piano music for them . The teacher thanked me and everyone clapped and I was very embarrassed . Adam Brandt is only in grade 9 but he is very cute , he also went . Yoko asked me about the camp again and I really wanted to go , but Mum said no . I asked Yoko to ask Paul O ' L , the Zimmermanns , Karina , Paul T and anyone else if they would like to come here on Monday to go swimming in the river . I don 't think they 'll come because they all went on the camp and she thinks it goes until Monday night . I paid Yoko the money for Paul 's present today and now I wish I didn 't . He probably thinks of me the same way I think of Teddo ( Paul Teddington ) and giving him a present will only make it worse . Today was great ! ! We went into the city first and I bought a few Christmas presents : A travelling bag , pencil and rubber for Geoff and Melissa ; a rubber each for Matthew and Shamus ( my piano students ) ; chocolate coated nuts for Dad ; writing paper for Yoko ; talcum powder for Jo and that 's it . I bought a t - shirt top for $ 10 , it 's yellow and I really like it . Mum bought some coloured material for shorts for me and Mel . I bought a book of theme songs to play on the piano . Nan gave me $ 5 to buy my present from Kevin so I got a different theme song book ( it was a bit more that $ 5 so I paid extra ) . Grandma said to buy music up to $ 10 from her for Xmas so I bought another Richard Clayderman book . It should be great ( it was also more so I had to pay extra again ) . Mum bought me some very nice shoes and material to make me a dress . So altogether I spent $ 43 . 45 . Yoko had her hair permed on top and it 's not too bad ! After this we went to Sunny Court , a Chinese Restaurant . The meal was delicious but it was so big I couldn 't even fit in dessert ! ! ! There was a waiter there who must be one of the most gorgeous guys I 've ever seen in my life . He was so cute . I had a fun day with Yoko and I even saw Cathy O ' Leary ( Paul 's cousin ) whom I 've only seen twice since she went to boarding school this year . Yoko and I were talking about Paul a lot and I still really like him . She bought him a diary for Christmas and said I could go halves so I think I will . It wasn 't very expensive but at least he 'll remember me . I just hope he doesn 't think badly of it , after the term dance he 's hardly spoken to me . But then again , I 've hardly seen him . Rural Youth are going on a camp this weekend and Yoko asked me to go . I 'd like to because Yoko , Karina , Louise and especially Paul are all going but Mum said no , so I guess I won 't be going . Mum went out to a progressive dinner tonight . I don 't know what it was for . She 's in quite a few organizations and I never know what she does for which one . I didn 't go jogging this afternoon but I swam on the trampoline instead . What we do is tie the hose onto the tramp , let it run , then jump . It 's a good way to get brown , fit and it 's fun all at the same time . I 'm really looking forward to three things at the moment : Tomorrow ; My stay at the coast ; and Christmas . I love the atmosphere around Christmas . It puts me in a good mood . Karina rang me today and we talked for an hour about nothing important . I 'm glad she rang , I was pretty bored . Although I have been doing a lot of reading lately . Karina got a postcard from Ann today . I wrapped Nan 's Christmas presents for her today . She gets me to do it every year , I don 't mind . But I had to wrap my own present which was disappointing as it ruined my surprise . It is beautiful though but I won 't mention it until Christmas . I got a postcard from Ann today which was great . I 'll have to send her a Chrissy card soon . Although I won 't have much news to tell her . I went jogging down the hill this afternoon with Mel . It 's only about 800m but that 's plenty for me ! I 'll try to do it every afternoon but I 'm pretty lazy . Mum & I are going shopping in Brisbane with Mrs Dryden ( Yoko 's host mother ) and Yoko on Thursday . Yoko said she might ask Paul to come . I hope he does but I doubt he will . Louise confirmed my thoughts about Paul Teddington at the dance on Saturday night . She said he 's after me and that he 's really sweet . Maybe he is but I 'm not interested . Today , guys don 't matter to me . But that won 't last for long ! ! ! Peter and David went home today . They said they might come back after Christmas . I really hope they do . Today I felt very upset because I felt neglected . I like those guys a lot , but as per usual , they don 't care . At the moment I 'm really looking forward to going down to the coast with Jo . All the excitement of the day actually happened tonight . I just arrived back from a Hilldale Dance . There was a very poor crowd but I had a great time . We went with Aunty Kaye , Uncle Frank , Peter & David . The amazing thing was that I didn 't miss one dance ( for the first time ) AND I won the lucky spot with David ( we won a block of chocolate ) . I danced with David and Peter every time but had 1 dance with Uncle Frank . At first , Dave & Peter were fighting over who was going to dance with me . I was having a great time , then the Rockabilly came on . David & I , and Peter & Denise Myall were going crazy and having a great time but then David started to mention his girlfriend Christine a lot . I must have been making it obvious that I like him . On the way home in the car I felt bad because I had 2 great guys beside me but neither would even give me a second glance . I 'm still trying but it 's a hard life . I don 't think I have that many traits that turn guys off , I must be just grossly unlucky ( or I am wrong about the traits ( ? ) ) . We also went to dancing lessons tonight . It was fun , Peter & David went . Paul & Yoko didn 't make it but I didn 't really mind . I like David now . I know it 's a waste of time because he 'll never like me and I think he 's had one girlfriend for 6 months but . . . . . . Paul T went and I was stirring him . It was fun . Sandra Klein & her friend ( I hate both of them ) were hanging around him because he had his stereo system there . Anyway , I went over to him & said , " Nice girls , Paul " , and he thought I was jealous ( which I intended ) . It was fun . The Paul O ' L bit obviously didn 't work . Bevan went and a bit of rivalry went on between him & Peter over Joanne . Nothing verbal just eye contact . Poor Bevan . Last night was bad . Yesterday was worse . We went swimming at the river and Peter made his move . He was talking to Joanne and then I remembered I had to teach a piano lesson , so we all headed back . I was first back at the tractor and I saw Peter & Joanne walking back holding hands . I kept telling myself I wouldn 't mind if Jo & Pete got together but when I saw them I proved myself wrong . I don 't know why I felt jealous of Joanne . Either because she had a guy or because she had Peter . Last night David and Peter said they 'd come over to our place but it was late & they still didn 't come so Jo & I went to get them from Aunty Kaye & Uncle Frank 's . Then we went to play pool at Nan 's . I got very angry with them because they were ignoring me & always lied to us . But I 've cooled down today . Today was good . We went swimming today , again . And this time I went too . ( Yesterday I only watched ) . Everyone else had gone in but me . I always take ages to go in water . Peter kept getting out & jumping in again . Once he went behind me and " accidentally ? " slipped in , pushing me in too . I loved it of course . I heard David say , when I took off my t - shirt & shorts , " Mm , not bad , " to Peter . I was the only one out of water so I think he was talking about me . I hope he was . We went bike riding today . Jo & Peter and David & me . It was fun . Peter had been avoiding Jo today and when she was riding on the bike with him he told her to forget about it , that she lived too far away . I feel sorry for her because she really likes him . She went home tonight . She asked me to go down to the coast with them for a few days but I don 't think Mum is going to let me go . Mrs Willett has 4 clots in her leg . But I really wanted to go . Today was pretty good . I went bike riding ( on the farm motorbike ) with Peter , David & Geoff . Peter was doubling me and I loved it . We played tennis after that with Jo at the primary school I used to go to 700m away at the end of our track . The boys rang her up but I didn 't speak with her because I was jealous . She is up here at the moment and she 's staying for a few days . Peter should enjoy that . Joanne just read my whole diary and I 'm very embarrassed . She 's watching me write this now ( sticky beak ) . Peter got very annoyed with me today . Everything I did annoyed him . He only has eyes for Jo . That 's depressing . He 's so cute . David . Joanne was complaining that I didn 't mention David , so I did . Well , this afternoon Peter and David came up . If I want an easy way to forget Paul , it 's Peter . Peter is the first guy I ever really liked ( when I was about 10 ) . Every time I see him I fall for him . He still likes Joanne but Geoff and I are doing a pretty good job of warning him off . Geoff likes Jo & I like Peter so we 've got good reasons . We told him if he wanted to go any further than talk ( which he does ) to forget it because she 'd back off . I 'm pretty sure she would , anyway it 's working . I know he 'll never like me the way I want him too but being with him makes me feel good so I 'll have to be satisfied with friendship . I really want to be loved and held by someone I care about but I 'm sixteen and have never had a boyfriend . And only dags have showed an interest in me . Maybe I should join the nuns , or committing suicide might be a good idea . It would have to be painless of course , I 'm a coward . I 've often thought about an overdose of tablets but I don 't know how many it would take or if it would work . And if I do it I 'd have to make sure I did it right . I went to work yesterday morning . Kelly had to leave early because her sunburnt back was causing her so much pain . It was so bad , she was crying . Poor thing . So Donna came in again . The Tooradin Dance was on last night . Louise Zimmermann went . She 's a good friend from school . Paul T . was also there . He had a few dances with me . I didn 't have many dances last night . Anyway I was talking to Louise & Jane ( Louise 's sister ) about Paul O ' L who is their step cousin . I can 't forget him . Paul T . came over and sat with us and Jane said to him , " Tara 's too good for Paul O ' L , isn 't she ? " Paul didn 't know how to take it first but then he realized I 'm crazy about Paul O ' Leary . I think ( by the look on his face ) that he was very hurt . Bevan Bates also went to the dance which was a shock . He never usually goes . Today Nan had a pre - wedding party for her niece ( Dad 's cousin ) . It was boring so I came back home . I mainly watched TV today . It 's good having no school work to do . I can 't wait until tomorrow ! ! ! Peter Napier and his cousin David Barrett ( also Aunty Kaye 's nephew ) are coming down . I was getting bored today and dreading the holidays but now they 're coming , it 'll be good . We went to mass tonight and Joanne went . I couldn 't wait to tell her and ask her up here to see Pete , but she practically ran away after mass , so I didn 't get a chance . She 's very trendy and probably thinks I 'm too daggy to be seen with . Anyway , they 're coming tomorrow afternoon & I can 't wait . The federal election was on yesterday & Labor got in again which is bad . Our family is very much National supporters . Mum & Dad are on all the committees and do a great deal for the party . Well , school 's finished for another year . It really doesn 't seem like it . I suppose it was because it was a cool day and the heat seems to signify Christmas and the end of school . I guess what really meant the end of school today was the shaving - cream fight on the bus this afternoon . They 're fun , but messy . Now I have to come to Paul . I 've made my decision . It was the hardest choice but I think it will be better for me in the long run . I chose to forget him . It won 't be easy , but I must try . It nearly killed me at school today and I ignored him as much as possible . I think it 's best if I don 't join Yoko and give him a Christmas present . I won 't even give him a card . It 's very upsetting , but to me , Paul doesn 't exist anymore . I 've just arrived home from dancing lessons . None of my friends went . Paul didn 't go either . I danced with Bevan again until Paul T & Mark Windsor arrived . I was sitting with Bevan one side of me & Paul and Mark on the other side . Anyway the dance started and Paul put his hand on my knee and said , " She 's mine " , then Bevan said , " Oh no she 's not " , and they started fighting over me . Meanwhile , Mark grabbed my hand and got me up for the dance . I thought it was very funny and it made me feel great . Especially when other people noticed . I got some results back today and I failed the Maths exam . I was very disappointed . My overall percent for the semester was 59 % which is bad compared with Bevan 's mark which was 98 % ! And we do Maths I ! ! I was very pleased with my Home Ec . result though . I got 81 % . I really did try hard for Home Ec . It 's my favourite subject . I found out what was wrong with Karina . She thinks everyone always looks for me or talks to me and not her , which is absolute rubbish . She shouldn 't think things like that at all . Last night I was much too upset to write in this diary . The term dance , which I was so looking forward to , turned out to be a total disaster . I was supposed to be selling drinks with Paul and Yoko ( they both knew ) and they went in without telling me . That started the night just fine ! I got very annoyed at that . And then , Yoko and Paul started dancing very close . I got twice as angry and felt like going home . Instead , I dragged Yoko away from Paul and said , " Do you really expect people to think you and Paul aren 't going together ? " It was an absolutely terrible and mean thing to do . It was totally an action of jealousy . And if Paul wasn 't angry with me already for telling him he should have told me about the drinks , he certainly was then . He hardly said anything to me . Then the breakdancing session came on and Paul did the best out of everyone . I told him I thought it was good but he said as little as possible to me then walked away . After these disasters what more could go wrong ? EVERYTHING ! ! ! ! ! I apologized to Yoko but didn 't get the chance to apologize to Paul . He started dancing with all the girls and meanwhile Tara was getting jealous and more jealous . I was upset more than angry , so I sat in the supper room with Roselise and her boyfriend Paul Gordon . Anyway Paul G asked me something about Paul O ' L and I almost started crying . Then he asked me if I 'd danced with him yet and I really let go . Paul G went to find Paul O ' L to tell him I was crying . So sweet , considerate , lovely , darling Paul O ' L went looking for me ( out of a feeling of necessity no doubt ) . Anyway he was asking everyone where I was . And then , he found me . I had to turn the other way to avoid crying . But it didn 't work . He asked me to dance with him ( it was a slow song too ! ! ) and I cried in his face . I can remember him putting his arms around me and saying , " It doesn 't matter if you 're crying " and " don 't be embarrassed " . All I could do was look at him and say , " Oh Paul , I can 't " , and I went to the toilets . As I left I heard Karina say , " Come here " , to Paul so I knew she must have said something to him . Karina was also crying last night but I don 't know why . Anyway a few minutes after I got to the toilets Karina came down crying . She wouldn 't tell me what was wrong . I asked her what she said to Paul but she wouldn 't tell me that either . But today I found out ( Roselise spoke to Paul ) that she said , " It wasn 't all about you " , to Paul . I can 't understand why she said that because she knew damn well it was . Unless of course she said it because she really does like him , but who knows ? Anyway after that we tried to find Yoko & Paul because I wanted to apologize to Paul . We found them and I couldn 't face him so I spoke to Yoko . I asked her if Paul told her what I did . She said yes and he couldn 't do anything about it , he only likes me as a friend , no more than that . So that did it ! I 've been depressed ever since . I am very confused at the moment as to what I should do . I don 't know whether to apologize and just be friends ( which would be very painful and almost impossible ) , or to try to forget about him ( which would be impossible ) or to just keep on trying and not give up ( which would probably make him hate me ) . So whichever decision I make , it won 't be easy . I 'll probably see him at school tomorrow so I 'll have to make a quick decision . I was very tempted to ring him this morning to apologize as Mum was out , but I couldn 't . If I had have just danced with him instead of acting like a total idiot , everything would ( maybe ) be OK . But nothing ever works out OK for me . So I don 't know why I ever try . He 'll never ever like me anymore than a friend so my head says give up but my heart says keep trying ( as the saying goes ) . I did have a temporary relief from my depression today . I found out I got an A for my piano exam . I didn 't expect it and I 'm very pleased . Today we had English , Home Ec . & Accounting exams . I did bad in English , fairly good in Home Ec . and ' I don 't know ' in Accounting . We 've got Biology tomorrow and I can 't be bothered studying . I don 't know anything and I 'm destined to fail . I was very worried about my exams today but they all went OK . I woke up with a bleeding nose at 4am this morning and got another one on the way to school . I had to get on the bus with a bleeding nose . How embarrassing ! Anyway I think it was from the tension . Paul did come today . I was glad to see him again . Yoko asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he said he 'd think about it . Yoko said he doesn 't like that girl ( whoever she was ) anymore . Which is very good . I 'm hoping he 'll be interested in me but I think it 's a bit too much to expect . Yoko and Paul were walking around the library ( where we had our Accounting exam ) and they saw me inside . They were calling me but I didn 't hear them so Paul came around to the doorway after Yoko said not to worry , they 'd leave . He wanted to wish me luck for my exam . I thought that was wonderful . And also when Roselise ( another friend ) was waiting for us after the exam Paul asked her if she was waiting for me . She said yes so he said he might as well wait , too . That 's great ! ! He 's going to the term dance tomorrow night and he 's also going to school again tomorrow . So I really want to go to school tomorrow ( apart from exams ) . Nothing much happened today . Our exams started . I had Ancient History , which went pretty well and Maths , which I failed . I really can 't wait until exams are finished and I 'm dying to go to the term dance . I hate exams . And I doubly hate studying . Paul will be at school tomorrow and I can 't wait to see him . Yoko and I ( and maybe Karina ) are going to buy Paul a Christmas present . We don 't know what to get . Yoko said she 'll ask him tomorrow . I want to get him something really special so he won 't forget me . Something so that when he sees it he 'll remember me . Exams are tomorrow ! ! I 'm getting very worried . I have Ancient History and Maths tomorrow . I 'm not really too worried about them . But I am about all the others . Only 5 days left of school ! And only 3 days before I see Paul ! ! ! I really think I 'm going to fail Biology . I 've only ever failed one exam before and that was Maths in Grade 8 . I had a terrible teacher , and I didn 't try too hard either . Nothing at all happened today . I did everything possible to avoid studying . I even slept for two hours to make the day go by quicker . I played on the computer too much and after everything else , I did very little study . I just can 't be bothered doing anything . I think it 's because of Paul . Paul T . came into the supermarket where I work today . He tried to get me to go to his party again . Shane Ludbrock ( Paul 's friend ) also works there and he knows me . He was doing everything he could to get me to go . Paul must have asked him to I think . Yoko came in and gave me a really lovely ' present ' . Two photos . One of Christine Hart , Karina , Yoko and me at a dance . I think it 's the best photo of me I 've ever had taken . I actually look pretty . And the other one was ( of course ) a photo of Paul O ' L . I haven 't stopped looking at it all day ! I showed Mum and Dad so they know I like him now . It 's not really a very good one but any picture of Paul will do me . We went to mass at Crystal Creek tonight . I wanted to go into town because Paul probably would 've been in there . I can 't wait until Wednesday night for two reasons . One , because our exams will be over and two , the term dance is on and I 'll see and , hopefully , dance with Paul . The last reason is the main one . I really am dying to see him . I hope he asks me to dance with him . If he doesn 't , I 'll ask him . I asked Yoko if she said anything to Paul and she did . She said , " Do you remember what I told you on Tuesday ? ( about me liking Paul ) . Did you say goodbye to Tara ? " . That 's why he saw me on the bus . I 'm very glad Yoko said that . It 's really amazing that just because of one night I don 't care about anyone else but Paul . I feel so much in love . When he got those awards I realized it 's Paul that I love . Not Brad or Peter or Eric or Will or Paul Drury or Adrian Jameson or David Charles or any one else . IT ' S PAUL O ' LEARY ! ! The Grade 12 's last day today . I was so sad . I cried all day at school ( because Paul was leaving ) . He reminded the student body about the term dance over parade this morning and I started bawling . I cried in Maths and Study and on the way down to the bus and on the bus and walking home . I really am going to miss him ! He walked down to the bus with someone else this afternoon and I got very upset and started to cry . I think he saw me and he came onto my bus just to tell me he 'd still see me at dances and he 's coming back to school on Tuesday . I thought that was very considerate . Yoko may have said something to him . Because on the way down to the bus I said I wasn 't going to write to him . It was a selfish statement because I want him to like me and if he doesn 't I get upset . Anyway Yoko may have told him but I 'm not sure , I 'll have to ask her . I 've just started to cry . I really am sure that I love Paul . He said today that he would write one letter , photocopy it and send it to all us Aussies . I really want a personal letter but I guess it 's better than nothing . Dancing lessons are on tonight . Paul 's not going , he 's partnering Crystal . Yoko 's not going , she 's at Karina 's place . Joanne 's not going , she gets too bored . And I think I 'm going to be bored and upset tonight . I hope I don 't start crying because I don 't want Mum & Dad to see me . They 'll think I 'm stupid . I want to see Paul right now . I miss him already and I only saw him 7 hours ago ( that 's a long time ! ! ) . He likes someone but Yoko is the only person that knows who she is , and she won 't tell me . I know it 's not me but I really wish it was . I hope someday that I may marry Paul . He 'd be an ideal husband ( for me anyway ) . I want him to love me but I don 't think he ever will . I guess I can always hope . I am so happy . Happy , happy , happy , happy . I feel absolutely fantastic . We just got home from Speech Night . I received my books , " 100 Favourite Cakes " & " The Radiant Princess " . At the moment I feel like a radiant princess . Paul , of course , was also at Speech Night . He received an award for school service . There are five awards at the end of the night which are surprise awards . And talk about surprise ! The first was for drama . Karina and I were sitting together and we naturally wanted Paul to get it . We both said , " I hope Paul gets it " . Then they announced the name : PAUL O ' LEARY . If you could have seen me I doubt if you 've ever seen a more excited person ( that 's how I felt anyway ) . They also have surprise awards for best all - round boy and girl . And Paul got Best All - round Boy . I got almost twice as excited as before . I was screaming & clapping & cheering & yelling and everyone thought I was mad . I really think I love Paul so much . We had to wear a tie and leather shoes tonight . When we arrived Paul said my tie wasn 't good enough so he redid it for me . It 's a very trivial thing but not to me . I loved it . I 'm so crazy about Paul but he only likes me as a friend . I do like him more than Brad . I don 't want him to go to Japan but I also do . He is writing to me from over there and I 'm hoping it will bring us closer together . When I talk to him at school everyone buts in but in a letter he can only talk to me and no one else . Yoko suggested I should write and post a letter a week before he arrives in Japan because her friends did that and she really appreciated it . So I 'm hoping it will leave a good impression . Also tonight Yoko and Paul were commenting on the beauty of girls on the stage ( receiving awards ) . He said Joanne was very beautiful and he also told Yoko I WAS TOO ! ! ! ! Without Yoko even prompting him to say it . Even if he does think I 'm pretty , I would rather him like me as I like him . It 's hard for me to imagine that today I was more depressed than I have been for a long time . Paul hadn 't said a word to me and I was very snappy at everyone , even Karina & Yoko . But at the Speech Night practice this afternoon I spoke to him and after that I felt great . Paul really does control my emotions lately . I 'm sure I 'm in love with him . I got a letter from Eric today . It made my day . He 's a fantastic guy and I think I 'm beginning to like him a little too much ! He 's only 14 . He said he only likes Karina as a friend which is good . Joanne & I are getting off the bus in town tomorrow morning to get a book for her for Speech Night . We both wanted the Princess Diana book but only one was available and because I chose first I got it . She didn 't want to be by herself in town so I 'm going with her to pick out a book . Bevan Bates likes Jo now . I heard on the news this morning about a dead body being washed up at Alexandra Headlands . Pete goes surfing there every morning and I immediately though about him . He did see it . Aunty Maureen rang Aunty Kaye and told her . Poor Peter , how gross ! I got Yoko to tell Paul I liked him today . He said he likes me as a friend and with only 2 days of school left what is he expected to do . I only saw him for a moment because he had exams all day . So I 'll know more tomorrow . Now Nick Saxby , Wayne Long and Bevan Bates ( David Charles ' friends ) think I like David . They keep stirring me . I don 't really mind just so long as they don 't go overboard . One of my folders was stolen today . It had 3 subjects in it and my exams are next week . I just hope someone will recover it for me or I might fail all three exams . I have an Accounting theory exam tomorrow which needs heaps of study . There 's so much to learn ! Paul seems to have changed around me . I think it 's because it 's become too apparent that I like him . He 's not interested so he 's backing off . I really like him so much . I wish someday a guy who I like will like me too but that seems such a long way off at the moment . I told Arlene to tell Brad to come to the term dance . He 's not supposed to because he has left school but other kids get in so I hope he comes . I can 't wait to see him again . My friend Janine Steele used to go with this guy David Charles . Lately I 've been telling Janine and her friends that I 'm interested in David . I always do those kind of things in the hope that they may mention it to him and he might like me . It 's a dumb thing to do I know but sometimes all I want is a boyfriend no matter who he is ( except Paul T ) . It 's really stupid but it never works so who cares . If the guy did ( for some reason ( ? ) ) like me I 'd probably turn him down anyway . That 's what happened with Wendel French . I led him on ( slightly ) and he became interested . I only did it because I badly needed attention from some guy . I got it and it made me feel good . But I didn 't want anything more than attention from him . It really was a cruel thing to do because I kept leading him on then turning off . With Paul T it 's different . He actually likes me without me doing anything . I couldn 't believe it ! It really is sickening though . I don 't want to hurt his feelings but I feel I am already . I 'm very sarcastic to him ( half jokingly , half meaningly ) . He sometimes takes it as a joke but is sometimes hurt by it . At the dance I told him he was mad ( because he 's funny ) and he said something about acting strange because his hormones were on a high . I 'm sure that was a direct hint and I wasn 't impressed . I 'm a very selfish and jealous person and sometimes I really hate myself . Lately I 've been thinking too much of myself . I think I 'm more important than most other people which is absolutely terrible ( especially when I 'm a nobody ) . I think it 's causing me to loose friends but I can 't do anything about it . I do try but I can 't change . Paul Drury said something to me today . I was stunned . He 's so ! ! ! ! cute . I was also talking to Adrian Jameson today who is also bloody gorgeous ! ! ! I felt terrible all day today . It started just fine with an embarrassing moment with Paul . We were on parade and I asked him what Crystal ( the girl at Jamberoo ) was like . ( I had previously asked Yoko but I wanted to see Paul 's opinion ) . Anyway he said she was very pretty and said to ask Yoko . Then he said , " You 've already asked her haven 't you ? " I was stunned and answered with the truth . He must think I 'm a total idiot . I felt really sick of him today . He 's getting on my nerves . ( I only say that when I don 't get the attention I want ) . We have to tape a 15min radio program for English which was supposed to be handed in on Friday . We still haven 't finished and we 've got the strictest teacher in the school . He 'll kill us tomorrow . I did have a tiny , weeny , little bit of excitement today . I thought it was a big thing but it was a " wow " to everyone else . Paul Drury ( the most popular guy at school ) scared me today . He jumped out in front of me as he was walking past and gave me a heart attack , but I loved it . I sort of know him . He 's so cute ! ! Yoko is also making me sick . Every time she 's needed for school work and can 't be found she 's always talking to Paul . She 's always late to class because she 's talking to him . They always just leave without telling me or Karina where they 're going . It drives us crazy . Sometimes I feel like Paul and I are so close . I 've only known him really well for a few months and I feel I could tell him anything . But not lately . He 's too busy with Yoko ! I did absolutely nothing today , which was stupid . My school exams are coming up next week and I need to do a great deal of study if I plan to pass . I 'm also a long way behind with my Maths homework . Karina rang me this morning at 9 : 15 and I was still asleep . She rang to tell me she got a letter from Eric . I 'm happy for her because she likes Eric quite a lot . She also asked my how my piano exam went . I can 't wait to get the results back even though I 'm sure they 'll disappoint me . Grandma also rang to see how I got on . So many people asked me how I went at the dance last night . I was amazed ! They all knew because Mum told them about it when she tried to get me to play for them . I can 't wait to see Paul O ' L tomorrow . He went to the Jamberoo dance and was going to meet his cousin 's best friend there . He 's partnering her for their school formal . I hope she wasn 't too nice . I don 't know when I 'll see Brad again . I hope it 's soon . I wish he was interested in me . He likes Sandy Barry who is one or two years older than him His birthday is the 26th May . This year , on that day , I had a very strange feeling all day . When I saw the date on the calendar it seemed to be a very special date for some reason . I found out later that it 's Brad 's birth date . I 'm not sure if that 's the ' special thing ' or not . It seemed to be something of the future , like my wedding day or something . I went to the dance not knowing if any of my friends were going . But Joanne went which was good . Paul T also went and I 'm pretty sure he 's interested in me . I wish he wasn 't because I get annoyed when someone I like as a friend likes me more . He invited me to his party next Saturday but I don 't think I 'll go because exams are that week . Mark Windsor was also there and he 's a pretty good bloke . I had a few dances with him . I had a lot of dances tonight . All of a sudden I 've sort of become popular ( a bit ) and it 's a really good feeling . Paul O ' L wasn 't there because he went to the Jamberoo dance . Brad didn 't go either . That was a bit disappointing . My piano exam was today . I was very nervous and mucked everything up . I didn 't do my best and I 'm sure I 'll only get a B ( if I 'm lucky ) . That 's disappointing because in my last 3 exams ( and my only exams ) I achieved an A in all of them . The piano was the most beautiful sounding instrument I 've ever heard . I felt really important playing such a beautiful sound . I had a choice of an upright or baby grand . I chose the upright . I would have loved to have played the baby grand but because I 've never played one before I was a bit apprehensive . Yesterday I wrote a letter to Paul . It was supposed to be taken as a joke but ( my luck ) he didn 't . Karina rang me last night and said he wasn 't very pleased about it . I 'm not going to be able to face him today . I 'll be so embarrassed . We had everyone up here after dancing lessons tonight which was really good . Most of the same people came apart from Monica Hadley ( didn 't come ) and 3 Zimmermanns and Paul O ' L came . I 'm so glad Paul came but he didn 't pay me the attention I need . I really like him a lot . Paul T also came and I think he still likes me . Paul O ' L drove me up here and boy is he reckless . I think he was showing off more than anything . He didn 't go to school today . Although he did thank me for the letter tonight . He wasn 't unimpressed , he thought it was OK . My piano exam is tomorrow and I 'm packing death . Mum tried to make me play in front of everyone tonight but I wouldn 't . It was good though because it gave me attention and I love being the centre of attention . I wrote back to Eric tonight and I also wrote to Will . I didn 't write the nasty one . Instead I wrote apologizing for offending him ( whatever I said ? ) I was talking to Arlene today and I 'm positive Brad doesn 't give a damn about me . Why should he anyway . I 'm only a nobody . Yoko and Paul were making me sick today . They were talking about Japanese money and once they start with anything about Japan nobody else exists . They completely ignore everyone . Aunty Kaye ( Peter 's aunty , too ) came over for the party tonight and I asked her if she knew Peter was writing to Joanne . She said , " Yes , and I also know someone else who 's writing to him . " I nearly died . Aunty Maureen ( Pete 's mum ) rang Aunty Kaye and happened to mention it . She thought the letter was very funny though , which was good . I don 't believe my mother . I told her that I 'd get Karina to post my letter to Ann because I haven 't quite finished it yet and Mum is going to town today . And she had the nerve to ask me if I was writing sensible things , not about boys . I can 't stand her , she makes me sick ! She took the liberty of reading my letter from Ann yesterday without asking . Ann 's letter was all about boys of course which Mum thinks is absolutely terrible . She 's an idiot ! ! I 'm sixteen and she 's still on to me about boys . Incredible ! Mum got her just desserts this afternoon . Eric wrote to me and I hid the letter . She was looking everywhere for it but I wouldn 't tell her where it was . He wrote a nice letter . Very funny . Will also wrote one to me . It was very nasty so I 'll write one back just as bad to him . It 's only 7 : 57am . I 'm writing because last night I dreamt he was at the dance . I wish it was true . I like Paul and Brad but sometimes I like Brad much better than Paul ( that 's now ) and I never like Paul better than Brad . So that must mean I like Brad the best . I got 3 lots of results back today . My Home Ec . field trip results were 22 / 30 , Home Ec . assignment 24 1 / 2 / 27 and for my English speech I only got 5 1 / 2 / 10 . Very poor effort ! Paul didn 't say one word to me today until I asked him why on the way down to the bus stop . He just said he didn 't see me and he apologized . I don 't think he meant it though . That Grade 8 girl that likes him is going to be in big trouble when I see her tomorrow . Paul did take her home from the Blue Light disco on Friday night and she 's done nothing but insult him all day . She told him straight to his face she hates him . I couldn 't believe it . I got a letter from Ann today which was really great ! I love getting letters from her . The funny thing is that 's the second letter of mine that has crossed in two weeks . First Peter 's and now Ann 's . She probably won 't get mine until Thursday . Anyway I wrote to her again this afternoon . She should be surprised . I didn 't write to her for 2 months then I write her 2 letters in 2 weeks . I 'm really into writing letters lately . I used to hate it but ever since I started this diary , I love writing letters . We had to choose our books for speech night today . We were allowed $ 12 worth . I chose a cook book on cakes worth $ 4 . 99 and a Princess Diana book worth $ 6 . 99 . It 's really lovely . So I spent $ 11 . 98 . Two cents under , but I couldn 't find a book worth 2c . Today was very boring ! I was hoping Karina would ring but she didn 't . I was also hoping Brad would ring but that was stupid . I 'm positive he 's not one bit interested . I really wish he was . Every time I think about him I get a deep ache in my heart . I 'm dying to see him again . He 's so tall and has really broad shoulders and he 's really cute . Mum and Dad are out tonight . They went to some meeting down at the coast . I seriously thought about ringing Karina or Brad . But I 've been ringing Karina too often lately and I 'm too chicken to ring Brad . I can 't wait until next weekend . There 's a dance on at Tooradin ( the excitement of my life always happens at Tooradin ) and Brad is going - I think ( ? ) . I hope he does ! ! My piano exam is also next weekend and I 'm not looking forward to that . My school exams are also coming up in two weeks and I haven 't started studying yet ! I 've been spending almost all day doing my Home Ec . assignment which is due tomorrow . I got it finished but I don 't think it 's very good . The best part about assignments is getting back the results ( if they 're good ) . Paul T . did come and see me at work this morning . I 'm pretty sure he really likes me because he rang up this afternoon asking me to go to the Ridgehaven bush dance with him . I didn 't really want to go with him , just the two of us on our own . I like him , but no more than a friend . He 's not very good looking , he wears glasses and he 's a bit of a dag . Mum said I couldn 't go ( the first time I 've been glad of that ! ) . I saw Paul O ' L . at mass in town tonight . I had a few words with him but I 'm sure he 's getting sick of me hanging around . He 's very polite and stays to talk to me but I can see in his eyes that I annoy him . I rang Karina after Paul T . rang me . I had to tell someone . I started to cry after he rang me . I like two guys . One is not the slightest bit interested in me , the other one is ( as far as I know ) and now I 've got another guy who likes me that I 'm not the slightest bit interested in . Who wouldn 't cry with that confusion ? Anyway I rang Karina for some comforting words . She didn 't see Brad today . She said they 've gone away for the weekend . I 'm beginning to think he 'll never ring , and I 'm seriously starting to doubt he 's even interested in me . At the moment Brad is coming out on top . I can 't wait to see him again . He is so nice . He 's got a great sense of humour , which I love . The guys I like never like me , and the ones that do like me I don 't particularly want to get involved with . That 's the story of my life . If Brad likes me it will be the first time someone likes me who I like as well . Yoko and Paul O ' L . are confusing me . Yoko says she only likes Paul as a friend . ( If she has an Australian boyfriend she will be sent back to Japan ) . But I think they 're much closer than anyone knows about . They were holding hands last night and I was almost burning up with jealousy . If they like each other why don 't they admit it instead of denying it . I 'm liking Paul more and more . A grade 8 girl is trying to con onto him . She 's got no chance . Not that I have but I think I 've got more chance than she has . Paul was at the dancing lessons tonight and I 've never seen him look more gorgeous . He had fantastic clothes on and I loved them . He is an unreal bloke . I 'm so confused between him and Brad . After the dancing lessons Yoko , the Johnsons , Paul Teddington , Steven Fletcher , Scott Henry , Mark Windsor and Monica Hadley came up to Aunty Kaye 's for supper . I think Paul T . likes me but I 'm not sure . Aunty Kaye told him to escort me home afterwards and he did . He 's very nice ( but only as a friend ) . He said he might come and see me at work tomorrow . Paul didn 't talk to us very much today . He 's avoiding us for some reason . Yoko is too . I 'm really worried about her . She 's not her normal , happy self . Something seems to be troubling her but she won 't let anyone know what it is . Arlene didn 't see Brad last night so she couldn 't give him the message . She probably told him tonight . I didn 't get a phone call anyway . I 'm sure he won 't ring , I don 't know why he should . I didn 't give the letter to Arlene ( Brad 's sister ) to give to Brad . Karina just told her to tell him to ring me up or she 'd give him an abusive phone call . I 'm sure he won 't ring , he didn 't tonight anyway . Karina and I wrote a letter to Paul today . It was a really soppy one . He knew it was from us because he was there when we wrote it . He reckoned he was going to frame it and Karina said he better because it was probably the only one he 'd get . He took it all as a joke , which it was , but it was also true . He 's so proud of it and said he 'd pass it around the bus . I started my Home Ec . assignment tonight which is due in on Friday . I skipped my piano practice which was stupid . I 've only got 1 1 / 2 weeks ' til my exam . Our Speech Night is coming up in 2 1 / 2 weeks . The results came out today and I got an Academic Proficiency award , with 72 . 6 % . Nine Grade 11 's got the same award and mine is the second lowest . But I shouldn 't complain . I 'm 8th out of about 100 Grade 11 's . Karina also got one , she got 81 . 7 % - the third highest . This is the fourth Speech Night prize I 've received . I 've got one every year . In Grades 8 , 9 & 10 I received class prize and this year , Academic Proficiency . Geoff didn 't get an award this year . Grade 8 was the only year he got one . He missed out in Grade 9 and again this year . It upsets me to know I receive a prize and he misses out . He really is capable of the prizes but he doesn 't put enough time into his study . Joanne Willett is Junior Dux of the school and my cousin Mason Benning is Dux . Joanne didn 't go to school today so I rang her to give her the good news . She was very surprised . Along with Junior Dux she also got four subject prizes , Geography , Advanced Maths , Typing and Business Principles . She may have got an Academic Proficiency too but I 'm not sure . I found out the best thing today . Brad likes ME ! ! ! ! ! ! Karina told me at school today and I was so happy ! She saw Brad at squash last night and told him I was going to write him another letter ( just to see his reaction ) . She said he got all excited and couldn 't wait to get the letter . But the hard task came - writing the letter . I had to be so careful to say the right thing . I don 't want to lose him . I wish he 'd call me , it 's much easier to talk to him than write a letter . Brad is the first guy who 's actually been interested in me . ( Apart from Wendel French who is in the lowest social class of Bodallin , which is very low . That was embarrassing more than anything ! ) I like Brad so much and I really want him to like me , too . After he receives my letter ( which was so dumb ) he 'll probably lose all interest and hurt me , like every other guy I 've liked . Paul didn 't talk to me much again today but he was very busy all day anyway . He was standing very close to me on parade this morning and kept touching me . I nearly cried because I 'd just found out about Brad . A friend , Stephanie deLuca , gave me good advice today : " Just flirt with both of them and go with whoever asks you first . " My piano students didn 't come of course . They didn 't even call us this time . They really amaze me . I 've never met more unreliable people before . Today my Home Ec . teacher told me that she has an Aunty Thera in Greece and she always goes to call me Thera instead of Tara . I thought that was pretty funny . Mrs Brand ( my Home Ec . teacher ) is unreal . She 's the best teacher I 've ever had ( at high school ) . Joanne got a letter from Peter on Friday afternoon and my letter was posted Friday morning . How embarrassing ! I 'll have to write again but I don 't know what to say . I can 't stop thinking about Brad and Paul . I think I like Brad better . I definitely would if I knew he liked me . Eric kept telling me he 's interested but I shouldn 't believe Eric . He 's always kidding around . Eric said I 've got 100 % better chance than Karina and he said Brad hates Karina . I don 't believe that , no matter how much I 'd like to . I 'll probably see Paul at school today and like him again . I don 't know when I 'll see Brad again , but I can 't wait . I might write to him . Karina and I ( mainly me ) wrote a letter to him from " a secret admirer " . It wasn 't supposed to be from any real person but because I wrote it and I like him , it was kind of from me . Karina wrote up the good copy and posted it . Anyway , Brad thinks I wrote it and no one can convince him I didn 't . It doesn 't worry me just as long as he liked the letter . ( This all happened about 2 weeks ago . ) I was wrong about Paul . He didn 't say anything to me today ! I was disappointed but then I wasn 't too ( ? ) . I still don 't know who I like the best . Will Roley came up to the school today and came home on our bus . He 's only 15 but I used to like him very much . He 's so gorgeous ! ! ! I met him at a Tooradin Dance . I wrote to him ( he goes to Ashgrove boarding school ) and he wrote back but after my second letter I didn 't receive a reply so I gave up . He and Eric are good friends - they go to the same school . I wrote to Eric today . I hope he writes back and tells me all about Brad . I also wrote to Peter to apologize . Aren 't I marvellous ? Three letters in two days . A - M - A - Z - I - N - G . Work was boring as usual , and it 's ' that time of the month ' so I felt terribly ill . Standing for 4 hours didn 't help much either . I work in the deli of the supermarket in town ( Bodallin ) on Saturday mornings . I 'm actually writing this on the 4th at 1AM ! We just got home from the Tooradin Dance and I 've never had a more terrific time in my life ! ! ! Paul went BUT so did Brad Street . He 's unreal ! ! I honestly don 't know who I like best . Eric Street ( Brad 's cousin ) reckons he 's going to set up me and Brad ( I don 't mind ) . My piano exam is only 2 weeks away ! ! I 'm going to have a nervous breakdown ! There 's no way I can have my pieces ready by then ( even if I have been practising them all year ) . My room should be getting painted in about a week . The painters are here but they 're doing outside our house and Nan 's house first . I did the saddest thing I 've ever done on Wednesday night . I had to take down all my Scott Baio and Joey Perrone pictures from my wall ! ! How depressing . Anyway , onto the excitement of the day ( night actually ) . I just got back from dancing lessons up at the Tooradin Hall . Paul said he might go but he didn 't think he could get there . But surprise , surprise , guess who was there when I walked in ? PAUL ! ! ! I thought even if he did go he would dance with Yoko all the time ( she went , too ) . But he danced with me about half the time ! He is SO nice . There 's a Tooradin Dance on tomorrow night and he thinks he is coming . I hope he does . Paul made me look like an idiot today . He hit me on the backside and put a sticker there . I didn 't know and everyone was laughing at me . I 've been hacking away at my hair again and made a real mess . I 'm trying to grow it somehow but I don 't think I know yet . I might go to Stefan in the holidays . Only 4 weeks left . I can 't wait for the holidays . I need a complete break from everything . I 'm glad I live on a farm . I don 't have to see my friends as much during the holidays . Not that I don 't like them , but by the end of the year I kind of get sick of them and snap at them a lot . I wrote to Peter today . He hadn 't written to Joanne ( my friend since primary school and is a year below me in school ) for three weeks . So I wrote a really stupid letter asking him why . I thought it was pretty funny . I hope he does too because I really like him ( as well as Paul ) . Peter is my Uncle Frank 's wife 's nephew and seeing as my Aunty & Uncle live next door I see him every holidays . But he likes my friend Joanne who lives down the road . I can easily understand it . She really is beautiful and she 's so nice ! He should be coming down after Christmas so I can 't wait to see him . I cut Debbie 's hair tonight ( she 's our farm hand and stays with Aunty Kaye & Uncle Frank ) . So far I 've cut my hair , Melissa 's ( my sister ) , Geoff 's ( my brother ) , Aunty Kaye 's , Aunty Coralie 's , Natasha 's ( my cousin ) , Melissa 's friend Emma 's , Yoko 's and now Debbie 's . I want to be a hairdresser when I leave school . My piano students didn 't come again this afternoon . I started teaching them about three months ago . They are supposed to come every week but they come about every month . They started coming on Saturday afternoons , changed it to Fridays and last week changed it to Tuesdays , but they didn 't come anyway . When and if they come it 's always at least half an hour late . ( Maybe this should be called my gripes book instead of my diary ! ) I am the biggest fool I know . I 'm so stupid , so dense , so thick . I AM AN IDIOT ! ! Of course , Paul doesn 't like me . I don 't know why I thought he should . I 'm not exactly Miss Universe . " He likes me as a friend " . Wow ! Big Deal ! No one ever likes me but I always have to believe they do . Paul 's too good for me ! Why would he ever like a creep like me ? I must have been so stupid to believe anyone as good as him would like ME ! All a guy has to do is look at me and I think he 's interested . I hate myself ! ! I 'm an idiot ! I 've got about 10 minutes before I leave to go to school . Yesterday I had to do my English speech , first ! ! I get so nervous ! I didn 't get my Biology camp assignment done for yesterday , so I 'll hand it in today ( and lose marks ) . Paul was away yesterday . Now my best friend Karina likes him too . There 's going to be an argument soon ! Better go to school . I found this old book in my desk and decided to keep it as my diary . It is now two days after my sixteenth birthday . So far I feel no difference between fifteen and sixteen . I locked myself in my room last night and ate no dinner . I was dying to go to the Woodvale dance , but as usual , I was not allowed to go . I was so angry with Mum that I threw her ashtray out the window and threw my watch on the floor and broke it . The reason I was so desperate to go to the dance is because Paul O ' Leary was going . I like him so much ! My friend Karina Neumann was also going and she also likes Paul . I think Paul likes me , but I 'm not sure . He talks to me a lot at school and helps me with my homework . But I always make a big deal out of nothing . I 've never had a boyfriend . ( " Sweet sixteen and never been kissed " goes for me ) . Our senior formal was on my birthday . My first formal . It was OK I guess , but of course Paul made it terrific . I was half expecting some announcement for my birthday , but a nobody like me ? I must be mad . Paul goes to Japan next year as an exchange student . I will miss him . At the moment I 'm great friends with our Japanese exchange student , Yoko Takahashi . But if she gets any closer to ' my ' Paul , it may not last much longer . The American exchangee , Ann Hudson , and I were great friends , too . I should be writing to her as I received a letter from her two months ago and still haven 't replied . My cousins , Owen and Trent , are up for the weekend . We 're having Kevin 's ( Dad 's brother ) birthday lunch today . I suppose they will sing happy birthday to me , too . I 've got so many assignments in Grade 11 , it 's not funny . I have to do my Biology camp assignment for tomorrow and of course I haven 't started yet . Better get to it right away . I was an innocent country girl , living on a dairy farm with my parents , my younger brother and sister . My Nan and intellectually impaired uncle lived next door . And Dad 's older brother and his wife lived across the dirt track . The farm was owned and run by the extended family . I attended the local state high school . The social groups at that time were the popular kids , the ' brains ' , the dags , the rough kids & the indigenous kids . I wasn 't indigenous ; I was scared of the rough kids ; on the edge of the dags ; in with the brains ; and the popular kids rarely noticed me , let alone spoke to me . I thought I was unattractive and had fairly low self - esteem . When I began my diary I had never had a boyfriend , but I was dying to have one . I 'd never even kissed a boy ! |
My sister and I have 3 horses that we trail ride - - a Morab , a Morgan and a Morgan mix . This blog is all about them . By the way , check out my two books " Trail Training for the Horse and Rider " and " Trail Horse Adventures and Advice . I also have the most adorable , loveable cat named Thunder . I call him a mini Maine Coon . He is the light of my life when things go wrong . He will always listen to me and try to comfort and cheer me up . He does a pretty good job of it , too . Follow is a great game to play with cats . I play it at least once a day with Thunder , and sometimes , depending on his mood , we play many times . I follow him and pet him as we go . He likes to show me whatever is on his mind . If he had spent the afternoon looking out a particular window , he takes me there . I remember when the robins built a nest in the bathroom window . He was constantly taking me there to show me the birds . He likes me to open doors for him , so he will ask me to follow him to a door , than he will put his paw on it to tell me to open it . He then wants me to go into the room with him and explore it - often bursting into a run . Sometimes , he just wants me to follow him until he falls over on his side and wants me to pet him . Of course , if he is hungry , he will bring me to his food . Not all cats do the tail thing . Our Siamese cats didn 't seem to do it . If you have the kind of cat who does , follow him and see where he takes you . You may learn something you didn 't know , and your cat will love the attention . Dad went to the cancer doctor , today , for his check up . He checked out fine , and the doctor told him he should get a dog . So , now that he knows he will live a while longer , he made the decision . He wants a dog . We will start looking , but I sure wouldn 't mind not having a dog over the winter . I am the one that does the dog walking in the dark and in the snow . We shall see how it goes . He wants one as much like our last dog , Pollie , as possible . We will never find a dog that good , and he knows it . He just wants someone to keep him company , and though Thunder is trying his best , my dad is a dog person . I had a very successful weekend with Cole . Friday evening , we had a decent ride in the arena . It was incredibly hot ( 90s ) , so we only did a little trotting . I didn 't want to get him too heated up with his winter coat . He was steady and well behaved . At this point , I can 't ask for much more than that . I was very pleased . Saturday , the weather was chilly . That 's how it goes here in northeast Ohio . I took him out alone about 5 miles round trip on the trail . We did a lot of trotting and ended up and a brand new trail for him . On the way home , we met my sister on foot and walked back with her . It was an A + ride . I was in heaven . I never expected Sunday would be just as good . This time , we went with my sister on Ranger . We did some trotting together . We put Cole in the lead , and he was just fine . My sister was the one with the challenge . Ranger likes to be lead horse , and she had to tactfully keep him behind Cole . We trotted 3 stretches of trail that morning and walked the rest of the time . Cole got an A + again ! It was an amazing weekend . This weekend coming up is a 3 - day one for me . My sister has to work on Saturday , so I will be alone that day . This evening , I will try him in the arena , and Thursday he is getting his feet trimmed . Cole and I had a better than normal arena ride , yesterday . Finally , some improvement ! There was a lot of factors on my side . First , it was hot . Second , I was able to turn him out to play , first . I have been having trouble with the turning out . He doesn 't like it , and pushes , paws and rears at the gate to get out . This time , I stayed in the pen with him and encouraged him to run about . Although he stopped at the gate , a lot , he didn 't show any signs of trying to get out . I 'm starting to think that Cole gets separation anxiety - from me leaving him . The next thing that was on my side , and this is a big one , it was quiet around the barn . The horses that had been turned out alongside the arena weren 't . He couldn 't see them walking past the windows , and they weren 't ' making any unexpected noises . He didn 't spook a single time . He walked and trotted on request and listened most of the time . We were able to practice our turns , circles and transitions . I was so glad to have a good ride in there . This is his second within a week . Maybe winter , when we can 't get on the trail , won 't be so bad , after all . I took Cruiser on a trail ride for about an hour . He was great , of course . I was surprised how sweaty he got , and had to sponge him off when we got back . He has quite a bit of winter coat , already . So does Ranger . Cole hasn 't gotten much coat , yet . I bet he will be cute when he is shaggy . Well , here I am , back from my long weekend . The good news - Cruiser 's hives healed up enough that I was able to ride him the whole time . He was great , of course , he always is . Cole was both good and bad . I took him down trail each of the 4 days . The first day , we did trotting by ourselves . It was his best day , I 'd say . He did nothing terrible except rushing down the first hill . Day 2 , the river was higher and muddy , and I decided to solve the hill problem instead of pushing him with the river . I lounged him and rode him in the arena , to start . It was the best he ever was in the arena , by far . In fact , he seemed like a whole different horse . I think all the trotting on the trail has settled him down to trot in the arena like a gentleman . I was very please . We did the hill 3 times . He got better each time . He stopped rushing down the hill , but he did show some reluctance , a few times . That is normal , of course . We worked through it pretty easy , since my sister was walking with us . I would ask him to go , and when he wouldn 't , she would walk ahead and he would follow . Day 3 was a bit tougher . I headed out by myself , and he was very balky on the hill . I had to grab a stick and use it , fortunately very lightly , to get him to finally move . He didn 't want to go down the river bank , either , but a tickle with the stick got him to change his mind . When we got across , I trotted immediately and he liked that . A couple times , when we were walking , I think he tried to turn around , but I was able to intercept him easily and keep him going . We trotted to the next river crossing , and then waited for my sister to catch up with us on her horse , Ranger . We then rode home , passed it up and headed out to the challenging Lagoon area . I have led him there several times , but never ridden him . It is a very active area that goes along the road and everything is all out in the open . He was very nervous and reluctant to go forward . We suspected problems that are why we brought Ranger along . On the way home , he hit something in one of the river crossings - and took off trotting across ! He charged up the river bank , too . Not good . He was wound up the whole way home . Day 4 was both good and bad . We went with Ranger though the Lagoon , up a very , very steep hill to ride in the back trails in the show ring area . He was fine on the way out , except for extreme reluctance on the same river crossing that he panicked the day before . He went up the big hill like a champ - no rushing or stalling out . He was great all through the back trails - except when that branch swung at him and hit him in the private parts . All I could say , is you aren 't bucked off if you land on your feet , are you ? I led him down the big hill on the way home . He was fine all through the Lagoon and over the problem river . Our biggest problem occurred when I rode him down a small , but steep hill . When he got close the bottom , he decided to trot the rest of the way down . I got him to stop at the bottom , before he went into the street , and when I tried to get him to go back up the hill , he had a temper tantrum that wasn 't pretty . I got him to settle down and then dismounted and led him up and down the distance he trotted 3 times for practice . He did that , perfectly . We were fine the rest of the way home . Tonight , I will ride him in the arena . There is only enough time in the evenings to take one horse down trail , and that is Cruiser - a horse that I can relax and just ride . Someday … It was a challenging ride on Cole , yesterday evening , but all went well just the same . It was a first in 2 ways . I had never taken him on the trail in the evening , and I had never taken him without my sister either on foot or on her horse . I was alone . He was goofy as I led him down the hill to the river . I should have ridden , I think he would have been better . Before crossing the river , he did some sort of dance , but crossed anyways . Later , he did have one spook and tried to turn home . I circled him around , but he insisted it was too scary and he had to go home . I circled him again , and away we went . He tries things , but he isn 't a fighter . He gives up as long as I am firm with him . We did a lot of trotting . In the beginning , I only let him go about a hundred feet , and then we would come back to a walk . A couple times early on , he tried to surge faster on the transitions , and I had to patiently correct him . He started to understand and simply trotted when I asked him to . We got to a spot that where we had plenty of trail , and I let him trot a long distance . He really did well with that . At the end of that stretch , I heard my boyfriend 's voice . He was up the trail on his horse , talking to someone . We waited for him and we rode home together . Cole was a bit in a hurry , and I had to correct him several times when he tried to trot . Overall , it was a good ride considering the circumstances . I have noticed that my horses are always more hyper on evening rides than morning rides . There is a first for everything , and I figured I would just get it over with . My sister called me at work , today . Cruiser has hives that broke out , again . they are in the saddle area . She cleaned him up and put some Betadine on him . I am really sad about this . Not only because I was planning to ride him tonight , but because we took Thursday and Friday off for a 4 - day weekend of riding . I may not be able to ride him at all . This has happened several times this summer , and I don 't know what is causing it . They have been all over his body , but the ones in the saddle area are to worst . If they don 't improve , I will start him on a course of steroids , again . They help a lot , but I don 't like to use them if I don 't have to . Of course , I have Cole to ride , but that means we may have to do things a little different than we wanted to . I haven 't worked with Cole with trotting with other horses . That may be our project . I may take Cole down trail , tonight . I have never ridden him out there in the evening , and if my boyfriend doesn 't show up , it will be the first time that I 'm without either my sister on foot or another horse . We 'll see how that goes . I 'll have to do it , eventually - it may be tonight . I will lounge him a little first , but not too much because daylight is limited . I had a lot of fun with Cole this weekend . Friday evening , we simply worked on lounging . He hasn 't been consistent with it , and since I will be using it more in the cooler weather to take the edge off of him before I ride , I decided I should concentrate on it . Sometimes I feel like I am training 2 different horses . One is an arena horse , and one is a trail horse . The trail horse is far advanced from the arena horse . The first five minutes , he acted like he didn 't remember a thing , but then , something clicked . ( Actually , it was my clicker . ) Suddenly , he understood that I wanted forward motion . Soon , I merely needed to point the whip at him , and he would move off , trotting - not bucking or jumping about . He was trotting 2 - 3 laps at a time , and then I would click and treat him when he looked balance and calm . What in improvement . I will give him at least one more lounging lesson before I start riding him in the arena , again . But , the weekends are for trail riding - - particularly in September in Ohio . Each day , I rode Cruiser with my sister on Ranger . When we got back , it was Cole time . Saturday , I rode him down to the river , crossed itand met my sister , on foot , on the other side . She decided it is now too cold for her to walk through the water . We walked a bit until he seemed quiet , and then I did some short trotting stretches , just like last week , stopping when we would reach her . I needed to make sure he had brakes . Since he wants to stop by her , anyway , it is easy to get him to whoa when we reach her . Now , you people with Quarter Horses are probably laughing at me . If you are , you probably never rode young , barely trained Morgan , Arab or Morab . They are gentle and kind horses with an incredible amount of energy and a love of going and going and going . Why do you think they do well in long distance competitions ? They not only have the physical ability , but the drive . These horse love to go . Brakes are very important . Once I knew I had brakes , I went off on my own and trotted about a quarter mile - stopping once when he decided to canter and 2 more times . He was settling down and getting rhythmic . I was posting . Wow , was that nice . We walked home . I 'm glad to say that he tried trotting without permission far less than the previous weekend when I had him on the trail . Sunday , I knew he would be better . Sundays , he is always better . Once again , I met my sister on the other side of the river . We walked a bit , and then we trotted up to my sister a few times . Things were going pretty good , and I was ready to leave her in the dust . This time , I had about a half mile of trail until the next river crossing where I intended to turn around . I stopped him a couple times before I got there , walked him a bit and went back into the trot . All I could say is it was just simply wonderful . He took light contact on the reins , found a steady rhythm , and was as balanced and perfect as could be . He once we got to that beautiful gait , he neither accelerated nor decelerated . We flew down the trail . Cole was made to do this . Those of you that have been following me for years , know that I love a good , fast trot , and Cruiser has one . Since he bowed his tendon , I have discouraged him from doing it . An extended trot does put some strain on tendons , and Cruiser is too precious to me to risk re - injury . Mingo never believed in speed , so we seldom got up to a fast trot . This was heaven to me . I got to the next river crossing , and Cole didn 't want to stop trotting this time . I persisted , and he agreed , but I didn 't turn around as planned . We walked right across the river to ride further . He felt he should trot on the other side , so I decided it might be better to walk . He had only been ever there a few times , anyway . I went along for about 5 minutes . I did ask for a trot , once , and he was quite excited and out of control . I decided walking was better . I 'm glad he now had reliable brakes . I went a little further and turned back for home . He didn 't want to turn back . He pouted , but at least he walked . After a few minutes , we came across my boyfriend on his horse , Starry . Cole took the lead and headed for the river . He was thrilled to see my sister on the other side . He had to greet her before continuing along the trail . I 'm very glad that he only tried to trot a couple times on the walk home , and that was when we were very close to the barn . By doing so many walk / trot transitions , he seems to be figuring out that I choose the gait . This has been the hardest lesson for him to learn , but I believe he is finally learning it . It is a very satisfying feeling to know we are progressing so well - and so is knowing that I have a horse with such an awesome trot . Here I am with Cole down trail . He is doing so well on the trail , but we are struggling in the arena . With the cooler weather , he is having trouble controlling himself . I believe we are going to have to go back to lounging before riding , again . I think it will help . Well , Cole went from challenging to simply wonderful . Friday evening , it was very windy and chilly , but I bravely decided to ride , anyway . I was in the indoor arena . He started out fine , but after 10 minutes , it got really hectic at the barn , and with all the nervousness he had about the wind , he just couldn 't ' take it . I decided to get off and lounge for a bit , but that went straight downhill , and I decided I had enough for the day . I wanted to turn him out to play Saturday before I rode , but it didn 't work out . The turnout areas were in use by other boarders . I took him out on the trail in spite of the continuing high winds and very chilly weather . It was his worst trail ride , ever , but under the circumstances he did well . He was so jumpy and nervous . We were out for an hour , and wow , was I glad to get out of the saddle . Good trail horses have to learn to behave in all weather . Sunday was so much better , it was amazing . This time , we went out with my sister on Ranger . We stayed at a walk and went for about an hour and a half . The funniest parts of the ride were when Ranger told him not to get too close to him . Just laying his ears back caused Cole to quickly back away . Once , Ranger flicked us with his tail when we were walking next to him , and Cole jumped like he got a jolt of electricity . I guess we don 't have to worry about Cole being disrespectful to other horses ! Monday was trotting day . We introduced it a little last week , but now it was time to be serious . We rode down the hill , crossed the river and walked about 10 minutes . He was a little goofy , so my sister and I agreed he was getting bored with our routine and needed to be moved up to the next phase of training . With my other horses , I would just take them out and work trotting into the routine , practicing transitions and hoping they would settle down sooner or later . It worked with all the horses except Cruiser - my other high - energy Morab . It took a long time to get Cruiser to settle down and get him to stop well on trail . But , now I have clicker . I had my sister walk up the trail , and we would trot to her . I would ask Cole to stop at her . ( My sister was the target . ) with this exercise , I was actually teaching him a lot . First , I was asking him to go from a walk to a halt , stand and wait while his friend , my sister , left , walk on command , trot on command and finally stop on command . Each time , he got better and my sister went out further and further , too . I clicked him a few times for the standing and waiting , and I was really pleased how he caught on to that . We did all this for about a mile . When we got close to the next river crossing where I was going to turn around , I told my sister I was going on without her . I stopped him once on the way , restarted him and went on to the river . His trot is amazing . It is fast and smooth . I know , in time , it will slow down , but wow , it is amazing right now . I did finally figure out how to post it , and then he evened out his tempo . I love a good trot . I 'm glad to say , when we turned to go home , he walked quietly . Only when we got close to home , did he volunteer trotting , and that 's no different than it has been all along . I just keep correcting him . He is no longer persistent with his requests . I 'm hoping that as he gets accustomed to the trot command , he will learn to wait for it . I can 't wait until next weekend to get him back on the trail . Until then , we will work in the arena . I also rode Cruiser on all 4 days on the trail , too . He was great , of course . that is nothing new . My goal is to get Cole to be as good as Cruiser . It 's a lofty but worthy goal . Yes , even though we board our horses close to the airport , the fighter jets will still scare them . I know a number of people who have hit the ground thanks to the jets . They come so low , you can feel the ground vibrate . Even when there is no air show , we still get the jets whenever the president comes for a visit . And guess what is happening on Wednesday - - he will be here for a visit . They tend to go right over our barn . Once , I was outside by my car , so see one so low that I could almost see into the windows . If I could , I would have seen VP Cheney . Yes , we even have jets for VPs . So , all you Clevelanders out there . Hang on to your horses , and remember - - they usually come in pairs . Once one goes by , another one will be there , shortly ! I had a pretty good arena ride with Cole , again . he really seems to understand that walking means walking . I only had to correct him a few times . I didn 't even lounge him or do a lot of groundwork first to get him tired . I just went and rode . Well , I 'm sure the very hot temperatures helped me out . His trotting is getting better . He has the best upward transitions I ever experienced before . This horse loves to trot ! Is this really the horse that I couldn 't get from a halt to a walk ? His downward transitions are improving . He stopped a few times to light rien contact and an exhale . It 's a little different , but I train all my horses to stop to a loud exhale . The exhale gets me to sit deep and steady my seat . That may really be what gets them to stop . It really works well for me . I trained Mingo 's mother to stop with an exhale . She wasn 't my horse , so when someone else started to ride her , I explained what I did . I don 't think she believed me . She decided to try it herself , shortly afterwards . She was cantering , exhaled , and the horse came to such a sudden stop , the rider nearly fell right off ! The long holiday weekend may mean 3 days of trail riding on Cole . Also , I will have 3 days of trail riding on Cruiser , too . The weather is going to be cooler , too ! Hurray ! A Happy Starry Kevin has owned Starry D for a few years , now . He is a really good horse for Kevin . He 's friendly , gentle and usually list . . . I figured out what our dog is . She is a Sprollie - - a Border Collie / Spaniel mix . Whether she was intentional or an accident , we will never k . . . I only had enough daylight to ride Cruise on trail . We went with my boyfriend and Starry . It was a very nice ride . When I got back , I d . . . |
Life was good for the gang of Mystery Inc . Since they got back together , they had formed an actual business out of their love for Solving Mysteries . Nothing changed much , except that Mysteries came to them , instead of them stumbling over them . That and the fact that they got paid was also a plus . It was like any other call . . . One of their rudimentary type cases . Missing will , hungry relatives , haunted mansion with the run of the mill ghost . They figured this would be like every other case . They were in for quite a surprise . Daphne asked as she leaned out of the passenger side window staring at the quaint little mansion sitting at the top of a hill in Belle Vernon PA . Unlike most of the other mansions they went to , they found the place disheveled , creepy and downright dark . But the small gardens filled with flowers and the occasional trees on the property threw the gang for a loop . It also looked very pretty as the sun was setting and casting the white mansion in a reddish hue . Shaggy laughed between the looks of his mid - lunch snack and the passenger window . Which the few glances that he made away from his tall Shaggy style sandwich , made them smaller as his canine pal took advantage of his buddies negligence of the meal to take a foot of two off of the stack between Shaggy 's hands . Thankfully for Shaggy 's stomach , he caught the act and Shaggy was actually able to eat some of his sandwich . Velma looked up from her laptop and then back at the black and white photo she had on her computer of the place . " Yep , it 's the right place . According to this , this is the mansion of the late John Ridmore . A judge who had a great career and settled down in the small town of Belle Vernon PA . He was also said , in this news paper interview that he was a collector of some sort , though the specific items he collected isn 't recorded down here . " Velma told the others as she closed her laptop and gathered her things together . The gang piled out of the van and walked through the main iron rung gates in the front of the house . Surprisingly they were open and the gang was able to walk up to the main door . Taking a look at the gang , Fred turned to the main door and took up the knocker . The wood echoed as the iron knocker hit the base as it sounded their arrival . Taking a step back , the gang waited till the door swung open . Sitting there was their greeter . An old man squinted over his spectacles from his lower position in a wheelchair . He didn 't look like the most welcoming host . " Well ? " The old man scoffed and turned his wheelchair sharply around and led them further inside the house . Once inside , the interior seemed the total opposite of the pretty , and cheery exterior . Inside was the usual dark and creepy type mansion they were used to , though it still had a non - creepy atmosphere to it . It felt more like a museum , rather then a haunted place that it was claimed to be . Not to many walls didn 't have pictures or paintings upon them . Cases lined some walls filled with nick knacks the previous owner had seemed to have collected over the years . The wheel - chaired man led them to what seemed to be a living room . " Stay here . . . Someone will come along . . . If your lucky . " " You right Daph , Like ' that old guy looked like he sucked on a sour lemon with that expression . Get it Scoob ? Sour . . Lemon ? Ha ha . " Fred signed almost exasperated . Not so much as the sour comment , for there was something annoying that old man , but the fact that food was always on those two 's mind . He looked around the room that they were in . Since they were here , they might as well have a look around as they waited . " Well , since we have to wait . We might as well look for clues . Or at least gather more information about the house . So look around guys . " Fred said falling into his usual role as leader . . They all turned and took stock of the insides of the living room they were in . As Daphne and Fred looked on the bookshelves at the books the owner had in his collection , Velma occupied the other side of the room looking in a few cases at the stuff sitting on the shelves inside . Shaggy and Scooby found themselves looking around the large fireplace that occupied one side of the room . After a bit of silence while looking , Scooby broke it with a question . " Eh ? Who that ? Like ' I don 't know old buddy , old pal . But the picture looks old . And it has some bit of cloth on the inside too . Strange eh Scoob ? " The gang turned and was greeted by the sight of a young girl . She had to be 13 or 14 years old as she stood there with her hands clasped behind her back as she rocked on her heels watching them . Her light black hair was cut at her shoulders in a simple straight fashion and she was wearing worn jeans and a t - shirt . Fred took up the initiative and introduced them . " My name is Anne Ridmore . My Grand dad was the owner of the house . I was told by Granduncle Edward to see you to your rooms . My grandaunt Bella was the one who told me that you guys would be coming . Follow me and I 'll show you to some guest rooms you can put your stuff into while you stay here and work on the case . " She explained as she gestured to some of the cases that lined the walls . A lot of them were filled with old looking clothing with pictures with them . Others were various items that might have belongs to some rich person before . She led them up to the second floor before stopping by a door . " This is where Ms . Blake and Ms . Dinkley will be staying . You guys will have the room next to them on the right . If you need anything , I 'll be in the room at the end of the hall . " She pointed down where her door was . " The kitchen is open for anyone to use . Feel free . And it was pre - stocked before you arrived because we got . . um . . . " She gave a nod of her head and then ran for her room . The gang watched the girl as she closed her door . They all then looked at each other and shrugged . " She seemed to know about us , maybe she was just a shy fan . " Daphne mentioned offhand . Fred nodded , as that could be a possibility . Why else was she blushing around them ? They had not said too much to really embarrass the girl . " Well anyway gang . It took us a while to get here . And the day is getting short . So why not get some rest and start in the morning ? " Shaggy laughed , confident a bit since they had survived about an hour or two at the supposedly haunted mansion and no one tried to run them out yet . He took it as a good sign . They bid each other good night as they settled in each of their rooms for the night . As morning hit , Daphne sat up confused . She got out of bed and was searching the walls for something . The movements of her best friend woke Velma up . Reaching groggly for her glasses , she placed them on to looked confused at her roomy . Velma considered , as she looked towards the window that looking into the large grassy backyard . The house overall was too nice of a place to be considered Haunted . Though if it turned out as it usually did , it isn 't going to be haunted in the end anyway . There is almost always someone , some human behind the supposed haunting . Daphne kept going on her thoughts as she searched a new wall . " I mean , if it isn 't you and me , its Shaggy and Scooby getting food at night for a snack . And they come running in to wake us all up . Or something . " Velma eyebrows tilted as a smile tugged at the corner of her mouth . Giving her one of those wiry smirks she gave when she playfully made fun of redheaded ditz . " Oh no . They always muss my hair . " Daphne commented before they both broke into laughter . A light knock came from the door and broke their giggles . It was Fred and Shaggy . " Well someone 's in a good mood . " Daphne said , nudging Velma who in turn nudged her back . " Well , since you girls aren 't ready , we 'll have to meet you . Scooby is whining and I think if Shag 's stomach gets any louder , he might knock the house down . They ate everything in the cooler last night . " Fred closed the door and sighed . If they were lucky the girls would be down tomorrow at rate Daphne usually took . Though in the end , it didn 't take as long as Fred had thought , but it was long enough for Shaggy and Scooby to make their second home in the kitchen . As Fred lingered in the hallway looking at a picture of John Ridmore waiting for the girls , Shaggy and Scooby were getting into everything . As usual , all the cupboards and drawers were open , and food items were all over the place . As the three of them entered the kitchen , they came in time to hear Shaggy over the clatter of food items . " Hey . . . Where is all the corn syrup ? Oh well . . . No . No . . Over there Scoob . The food coloring goes next to the baking sections , and the spaghetti sauce goes next to the pizza section by the oven . " Responded Scooby , as his paws were full of various items . As he spilled the food coloring by the baking section , he then tipped and skittered over to put the bottles of sauce down before he made a mess on the floor . Velma watched in amusement before something caught her eye . Scooby looked over and shrugged and continued to pour the sauce in to the pot . He really didn 't mind if the color red was missing . Food coloring didn 't have a taste . It just was there to make things to look pretty . He didn 't know why Shaggy even used it . Daphne said to her , Anne blushed and bowed her head . " Good . . . Well . In an hour my grand aunt Bella will be arriving and we plan to have a meeting with the banker in the living room about the missing will . I . . . I thought it might be a good idea if you attended . " She told them before disappearing around the door . The gang all looked at each other again and shrugged . She certainly seemed to be a shy one . The gang ate what food they could get their hands on that didn 't go into Shaggy and Scooby 's creations , and they made sure to get to the living room to attend the meeting . Once the Banker saw that everyone seemed there , he started . " Greeting . My name is Mr . Whiden . I was the Banker for Mr . Ridmore and was put in charge of his estate in a manner of speaking . He , although I constantly told him to do it with the bank , made his own will . Now his will was not in the place he said it was . Thus I figure it is the reason you are all here . Though . . . Where is Mr . Ridmore 's younger brother ? " The man looked around the guests present and noticed the man in the wheelchair had not arrived yet . After a short bit of wondering , the brother in questioned was rolled in by a man standing behind him . The man looked like a younger version of all the pictures in the house of John Ridmore . He was pushing the man with one hand while itching the side of his neck . His skin looked irritated and a clear birthmark sat upon his shoulder as his hand scratched . " No Edward , no new news of the will yet . Though if things keep up this rate , you will be the owner of the mansion by default . Since you are the closest blood relative . " " Good . Then I can kick you all out for disturbing my peace . Let 's go Junior . " Just as the old man was wheeled around to head back to his room , a voice boomed over all . The voice echoed off the walls and it 's source was impossible as the old walls made for good resonance and made it hard finding the exact direction it was coming from . . " I can 't let you stay then in my house . " A shriek sounded off down the halls . It was a voice of a woman in distress . Edward Junior wheeled his father towards the shriek . As the two disappeared into the hallway , Ms Norman came running into the living room . She was out of breath and looking very frightened . She was visibly trembling as the one who could only be Bella came over to her . The gang was going to go comfort her if Bella had not gone to her . " Oh miss Bella ! It was horrible . I was doing my chores and I was planning on taking some laundry down the stairs to the basement like I usually do when I opened the door I got attacked . It was Mister Ridmore . John Ridmore ! Oh , it was a scary sight Miss Bella . I threw my laundry at him ran . Bless his heart Edward Junior and his father headed towards him to deal with him . " Was Edward seniors voice down the hall . The Gang was on it . Running out and down the hallway , Fred , Daphne , and Velma were at the head , while Shaggy and Scooby trailed behind everyone else . They watched as what seemed to be a masked figure pick up the body of Edward Junior and hike it over his shoulder . He turned and it looked like an old man was holding the limp body of Junior over his shoulder as he started to push the flailing Edward senior towards the end of the hall to escape . " Stop right there ! " Yelled Fred as he pulled out in front of the group . He was determined to get the guy . Seeing Fred gaining fast . He spun Edward senior to face Fred and shoved the old man at him . Fred collided with the wheelchair , as Edward senior was furious . " What are you doing ? Quit dawdling and get my brother . He took my son ! " The old man scowled . Fred shook his head and decided against getting thanks out of the old geezer , instead he ran for the door that the supposed ghost of John Ridmore disappeared into with Edward junior . Fred burst into the room to meet a cluttered , but otherwise empty study room . Fred turned as the speaker above his head crackled to life . " Not so fast my brother . You might have gotten away from me , but I have gotten your son . Leave this house and give up your rights to the house and you shall find your son . If not , I might have to do something drastic to him . " The voice cut out as Edward scowled up at the speaker . So that is where the voice had been coming from . Like most rich people in the area , Ridmore had installed speakers inside of his mansion so he would be able to play music or what ever , where ever in the house . Behind Fred and Edward , everyone else came panting into the room . Not only was the rest of the gang there , but Bella , Anne , Ms . Norman and Mr . Whiden had also came . Fred turned to the group . Ms Norman pointed at the machine that sat at the table right behind where Fred had stopped and stood . Velma came over and inspected the device for a bit . After some careful examining and checking of wires , she shook her head . " It 's off . Everything on here seems to be in one piece and in working order . But nothing is here to suggest any alteration , or even a recording device . This just looks like your run of the mill communication device . Like one you might have in a school PA system . " She looked puzzled , but also somewhat excited . Besides the fact that Edward was missing , this wasn 't looking like such a dull trip after all . They were in for a good mystery . Edward scowled at Velma 's expression . " So you are enjoying that fact that my son is captured . Eh ? You guys are here to solve mysteries . . . Well here is one . Now find my son ! " " Now now Brother dear . " Softly spoke Bella . " These kids are here to help yes , but you don 't have to yell at them . That will get nothing done . " " I can yell at them all I please . My ghost of a brother took my only son . I knew he was to stupid and annoying to stay dead , that brother of mine . But to steal my own son . Now that is down right monstrous . You brats ! Find my son ! " He scowled and wheeled himself past everyone . Probably heading to his room . Anna headed off after him to make sure he was ok , and Mr . Whiden cleared his throat . " Well , I am not apart of this . I must be going . I will be back in a few days to check up if anything has happened . Please , Bella , call me when the young man is found . I have to be going for another appointment . Good luck finding him . " Spoke up Shaggy , braver then he felt . He just hoped she didn 't notice that his legs felt like jello and they knocked around more then a pair of maracas . " We 're on the case Miss Ridmore . There isn 't any Mystery we can 't solve . " Fred added in a confident voice . Bella 's face warmed a bit at his enthusiasm . She left the room to see how her stubborn but beloved brother was . Fred turned to the gang ; they all could tell what he was going to say . " This is we 're going to do . Daph and I will search this room . We 'll try to find out how the ghost of Mr . Ridmore got out of here with Edward Junior . Velma , I want you to look back and check if there are speakers in the living room and maybe see how it was tampered with . Shaggy , Scooby … " " You two check the basement . Ms . Norman said she opened up the basement when he came out at her . There might be a hidden passage or something in there as well . All right Gang . Let 's solve this mystery ! " The beatnik and his Great Dane headed towards their destination . With quivering knee and chattering teeth , the duo opened the door . They both braced for a fright , but nothing came . Shaggy peered down the stairs to the dark gloom below with a gulp . " Me ? Why does it always have to be me ? " Shaggy though a bit then came up with a plan . " Alright buddy . How about we play rock paper scissor to see who goes first . " Shaggy turned his head towards the inviting darkness of the basement . Checking his pockets , he pulled out a pocket light and shined it down into the shadows . With legs of jello , he started down the stairs . Holding onto the railing , he slowly descended into darkness , Scooby right at his heels . He shined the light but all he saw was the floor . Nothing seemed creepy or spooky , unless you counted the loads of seemingly dirty laundry . But as long as they didn 't get up and chase him , he had nothing to worry from stained and dirty laundry . The beam from his flashlight cut through the darkness and he spotted the washing machine and dryer . Shaggy looked around and found Scooby hiding behind him , his mouth hung open , eyes wide as he stared into the darkness behind him . People ! A huge group of people all were standing there . He got so spooked he dropped the flashlight and dove behind to hide behind the Great Dane . His voice squeaked as he dashed around the back of Scooby . Seeing the flashlight hit the ground in front of him , Scooby picked it up and juggled the light for a few seconds till he was able to get it pointing straight and flinching his head away he shone the light at the mass of zombies . Shaggy peeked one eye open , just so he could see his doom coming . . . " Heh hehe . . Hey Scoob . . . . Look . Mannequins . " Scooby and Shaggy felt sheepish for being so scared over nothing . Shaggy took the flashlight and walked over to the bunch of mannequins . Some had heads , some were missing limbs , and some were just the base . A few had the beginnings of a wardrobe on them . Shaggy removed a hat that sat on one of the posed Mannequins and copied how the mannequin was positioned . Scooby poked his head out from a pile of clothes and placed a paw to his face in though . Then he got a negative look and he shook his head . Shaggy took off the hat and looked at it . " That 's funny . Well . There seems to be nothing else down here besides these mannequins , laundry and these broken fireworks . Let 's get back to the gang . " She traced her hands and found that it seemed to be connected to what looked like an electronic board for some type of wireless communication device . She was about to remove the board when she lost her balance and she landed on the floor with a crash . It wasn 't too high of a height , but it was enough to jostle her glasses off . She patted around where she landed when she felt a tap on her shoulder . She turned around and squinted . It was a black blob that was in the shape . . Yes ! It was her glasses . She took them gratefully and placed them on her face as she talked to the person who helped her . He didn 't have to tell her twice . She jumped up and got to her feet running . The ghost watched for a second before he noticed that she wasn 't running for the door , but back towards her friends . He couldn 't have that , so he pushed the fallen chair over with another crash and gave chase . Velma looked back and hurried running towards where Fred and Daphne where . " Ooooooo . . . . Why does this happen to me . . . Shouldn 't he be after Daphne or something ? " As Velma was running down the hall , she didn 't noticed Anne coming out from one of the doors from the hallway . " Velma . . I heard a crash and . . . " Velma had just enough warning by Anne 's voice to turn her head and notice the girl before she crashed right into her . Not missing a beat , Velma scooped up Anne and continued to run down the hall . The world spun once as she found herself being carried by Velma . Her jaw dropped and she was stunned for a few seconds before she noticed the ghost was gaining on them and that she wouldn 't make it to Fred and Daphne . Then Anne got an idea . " Velma , turn right and run down this hall a few feet . " Not questioning the younger girl since she knew the house better then Velma did , she peeled right and almost ran into a wall . She looked in shock at the three walls closing her in before she felt Anne move in her arms . Velma watched Anne push something on the faceplate of the painting . After a second , the wall pushed in and a crack formed . Velma took no time to put Anne down and crawl into it herself before it closed . Panting , Velma looked up and took stock of the room they fell into . It seemed to be a study but it was filled with intricate cases willed with fully complete costumes on mannequins and gold laced trim on the displace cases . " Yeah . . . Grandpa never liked having to do the backbreaking labor his wife told him to do . So when he built the house , he built in this room where he could hide from her . " " You pressed the R in Ridmore . . . Then that U . for his middle name . . Then the last letter of his name . . . Oh . . . I get it . R , u , n . Run . Very clever . " " I thought you might figure it out . Yeah . He doesn 't have a U . middle name . He made it the buttons for his hiding place . " Velma let out a breathless Jinkies as she got up and looked at the full cases . It had a lot more then just the bits . Each was place with a sighed black and white portrait signed by the actors . From the bust from Lon Chaney jr . with one of the actual masks from the Wolf man , to even a ruby encrusted medallion from Vincent Van Ghoul . Each worth a lot of money just in their own right , but so much in one place was amazing . But Velma 's calculation of how much just the room was worth alone was interrupted by Anne 's voice . " But Grandpa 's favorite piece always sat on his desk . Anne walked over to her grandfathers still cluttered desk covered in dust and age . Sitting on one corner of it was a rather large wooden box . It looked like it contained lots of compartments . . . Almost like a make - up kit . " THE Lon Chaney . . . You mean , that 's his make - up kit ? ! The one used and he was referred to as the Man of 1000 faces ? " Velma said shocked . She knew her history and Lon Chaney back in the day was a movie legend and what was even more fabled was his case that they said he could become anyone out of . It was more of a myth then anything else . And she could see faintly at the bottom right of the case in his actual handwriting the signature of Lon Chaney . Velma leaned back against the wall in bit of a shock at how much was in the house . No wonder the villain wanted the house . Who ever was trying to scare everyone away probably wanted to sell everything here . Velma looked and it was clear that someone had dusted off the case recently . Curious , she pulled out some gloves and asked Anne to step back . Taking great care , she opened one of the sides of the box . But how well crafted and how well taken care of the box was , it opened without any problems . Inside was a clear print of where there had been a folded piece of paper . Anne asked looking around . She spotted the trashcan and walked over to it . But there was nothing much in the way trash except a few papers and a box . Anne picked up the box and showed it to Velma . " Is this a clue ? " Velma 's eyes got wide as her face flushed red with embarrassment . She walked over to where Anne was and took the box quickly dropping it into the trash again . It was empty , but it still was what it was . Embarrassed , she tried to steer the baffled girl away from the trashcan . As she was pushing Anne away from it , she spotted a rather odd case that didn 't look like it fit . Once Anne saw it she squeaked in surprise . Curious , Velma walked around the now stiff Anne and looked at the case . It wasn 't as ornate as the rest in the room , one of the reason 's it caught her eye . Also inside was a simple , rather banged up looking hubcap . It looked familiar . As she inspected the hub cape she recognized it in time for Anne to speak up . " You . . . You and the gang a few years ago passed through here . I . . . I remember it clearly . You stopped at the local restaurant for something to eat . I . . . I was there with my father . I . . . I didn 't mean to eavesdrop . But you guys all sounded so happy . It was after one of your cases you just solved and Shaggy said it was time for a victory dinner . He . . . He cleared out the whole place . But . . . My father nudged me and told me about you . About all of you . That a group of kids . . . A bit older then me , were going around helping people . . . I . . . I wanted to be like that . " She looked up at Velma . Staring at her , to see her reaction as some tears streamed down her eyes . " I . . . I took a napkin and gathered my courage . The closer I got , the more I watched how close you guys were . And even though you had your nose in a book writing something , you had a smile on your face . My father came up behind me and pushed me the rest of the way to your table and asked it you guys wouldn 't mind giving me a signature . Fred was more then happy to agree and he got you all to sign it before giving it back to me . I was very happy . Then , the hubcap came off of the van as you guys left . I . . . I took it home and cleaned it . When I told grandpa , he told me if I wanted to put it in a case , I could . So . . . well . . . " It was the voice of the ghost . Anne got scared and ran into a cling around Velma 's waist . She couldn 't ' help but get a bit shocked , but she doubted if he sounded that frustrated , he didn 't know how to get inside . Pulling Anne away enough to kneel down to be at her eye level , she took part of her sleeve and dabbed at the girl 's cheeks . " Don 't worry . The gang and I will solve this mystery for you . I just wish we could see what was going on beyond this wall . " Anne brightened up , her hero didn 't mind her story at all , and she knew of something that could help . She grabbed Velma 's hand and tugged on it bringing her over to the wall that the guy was pounding on . There seemed to be a picture of a ball and chain painted on black material . Anne dropped Velma 's hand to peel back the black material to show her what was underneath . Velma noticed the painting they saw before was painted on a one - way mirror . So he could look out at his fuming wife and her not be able to see in . They were then looking at a very angry looking John Ridmore ghost . Annoyed , he banged on the door a bit before taking a step back to get a better look at the wall to see it he noticed something he had missed before . Annoyed , he brought up his hand and scratched at his neck , exposing a bit of familiar birthmark . Velma 's eyes grew wide as she let the cloth fall down . " I think I have figured everything out . But I need to get to the gang . Is there any other way out ? " Anne thought and nodded . " Grandpa always thought she was going to figure the code out one day , so he made a way to the living room from here . But he 'll see us if we go out there . " Velma 's thoughts were cut short as she heard Shaggy 's voice . " Stop right there Mr . Ghost ! Like ' I won 't have you chasing Velma while I 'm around . . . " The Ghost then bolted after Shaggy and Scooby . Velma 's eyes grew wide . But she knew Shaggy and Scooby better then anyone and if anyone could out run a ghost , it was those two . Shaggy heard the crash and he shakingly started up the stairs . After the second crash , he was at the top enough to peek up and watch the ghost of John Ridmore give chase after Velma and Anne . He watched in fear as the two of them disappeared around a corner and the ghost followed . A small string of curses came from the hallway , as it seemed that something got in the way of him getting at her . Shaggy slunk back to sit down some of the stairs as Scooby whined at him . He shook for a while before finding his voice . " Oh hoo hoo . . . Hoy boy Scoob . Velma is in trouble and all I can think about is running . But She 's possibility trapped . But if we go out there we might end up Ghost napped like Edward Junior . " He squeaked at the end of his statement . The annoyed yell of the angry ghost made Shaggy cringe . Half about his own safety , half on Velma 's . Even though he was a coward , he couldn 't just leave her there . But then what about he and Scooby . Well , he knew one thing for sure . He was better at running then anything else . . . well , except for being scared . But this was Velma he was talking about . Gathering his courage , he looked down at Scooby who was huddled form , shaking on the steps . Scooby slumped back whining . Shaggy got an idea . Patting his pockets , he was able to find his last - last - last - last reserve Scooby snack for just such an emergency . He cracked it in half . The sound of the breaking snack got Scooby 's attention . Scooby took the offered piece , knowing that it was the last piece that Shaggy had on him . He couldn 't smell anymore at least . " Rah . . . Rave relma ra ret ro rooby ranks rater ! " They tapped together the two halves together like Champaign glasses before eating their respective halves . With renewed courage . . . Well , slightly … Shaggy crawled up to peek over the top step . The ghost pounded on the wall . Giving one more nod of self - reassurance . Shaggy pushed himself to his feet and he walked towards the ghost . He passed the study where Daphne and Fred were and got right by the hallway where the ghost was banging on the wall and he hadn 't noticed the sound of Shaggy 's knee 's knocking together . Gathering his courage he thrust out his fist and pointed at the ghost . The ghost gave chase . With a quick ' Zoinks ! ' once he knew what was happening , Shaggy turned to run . Scooby jumped up in surprise and with out a second passing , Shaggy grabbed his canine pal out of the air and ran for it . Leaving the ghost to eat their dust as he chased after the two . Fred and Daphne went to work looking through the study for some thing that would open a hidden door or something to find how the Ghost had made off with Edward Junior and have disappeared a few seconds before Fred had charged into the room . They spent a while in silent search each working on a side of the room . But there room was just filled with various papers , weird magazines and books . A lot of the books seemed to be about wireless control , electronics , movies and history books oddly enough . Such a strange combination of things to have in a study . And with closer inspection , the magazines were about movies as well . Daphne suggested , pointing to the PA like system that seemed to have been hooked up all over the house . Velma was looking into that at the moment , so he would have to ask her what she found later . Fred continued to look for a bit , getting more aggravated each second that ticked down . Finally he got fed up and slammed his hand down scaring Daphne . Fred grumbled angrily . A bit shaken from the bang he made previous , she came over to him . Placing her hands over his balled up fist she picked up his hand and held it between hers . " Freddy … Listen to me . " " Getting all upset about this is not the thing to do right now . I know you are frustrated about Edward Junior and the ghost kidnapping him and you weren 't able to stop him . But beating yourself up isn 't the answer . We just have to keep searching . That 's what we do . This is why we are here . We figure out things . And it 's not just Velma figuring out everything , or Shaggy stumbling over things . We are a team remember ? So don 't be trying to bear the weight for all of us . We are in this together . Don 't forget that . " She said shaking his hand once then letting it go . He opened that hand and looked at it for a second before closing it again . His face brightened up as he gave a small chuckle . Fred yelled but the duo didn 't hear him . The Ghost turned to look in their direction ; Fred jerked his head back knocking both him and Daphne , who had been standing behind him , off balance . As Daphne flailed about , her hand struck something and the wall behind her slid open in time for her to fall into it . Fred was right behind her , landing in a heap inside the hidden tunnel . As he picked himself off of Daphne , the entrance closed behind them . " Well … I hope Shaggy and Scooby are all right . But you at least found us the hidden tunnel that the ghost took . Are you all right Daph ? " Fred advised as he checked his pockets for his laser pointer . It wasn 't much , but at least it did show something beyond the dark and gloom . Daphne clung to Fred as he traveled one hand on the wall next to him , one hand outstretched with the laser pointer . They shuffled a while before something got tangled around his ankles . It wasn 't anything living , but it was something there . Pausing , he reached down and picked it up . Fred was a bit stunned at her positive - ness just from the sound , but the more he felt it , it had one kind of prickly side that grabbed on to the fuzzier side . It could just well be a strip of Velcro . He had to give her credit . If it had to do about fashion , Daphne was an expert . He pocketed some of it and continued going . After a while of walking , he found the wall at the end . With a hard push , expecting it to be difficult to move , the door swung easy and the momentum threw Fred and Daphne into the room landing on something . Daph wondered . It was almost as dark at the previous tunnel had been . But it looked like shelves of some sort . And it was also big enough to fit them all without to much crowding . " Yeah , we 're in the kitchen . We ran in here from the dining room and quickly found ourselves a hiding spot . Namely this walk in closet . " Then a sound was heard right before their door . The gang got quiet as they heard muffled voice beyond the door . While Shaggy and Scooby zipped to hide behind Fred and Daphne , Fred was inching closer . " All right , as soon as this ghost opens the door . Shaggy and I will jump on him . Daph and Scooby , I want you to find something out in the kitchen to tie him up with once we got him pinned , ok ? " Velma was thrown back as Fred and Shaggy launched themselves at her . She was shocked as her glasses went sliding across the floor . Anne squeaked as she watched the rest of the Gang appear and pause in their tracks as the noticed that it wasn 't the ghost they had captured , but their missing member . Fred and Shaggy sheepishly got off of her and pulled her to her feet . Anne had gotten Velma 's glasses and gave them back to Velma who accepted them with thanks . Whipping the lens off , she placed them on and her friends came into view . Velma sat the gang down in the kitchen and explained what had happened and what she found . She explained about the double speaker and the cases inside the hiding room . Plus the possible original location of the missing will . And the birthmark they saw on the ghost . " I do remember seeing that on Edward Junior . But didn 't we see his limp body being taken ? " She told them with a smile creeping across her mouth . She always got giddy when they solved the mystery . Velma also noticed the amazed look on Anne , as she was sitting quietly nearby and just watching how the gang had figured out how everything was done . Fred was the first to speak up . " All right , I think I got it gang . Well , once the ghost sees that we won 't be looking for junior , maybe he 'll go after Edward Senior then . All we have to do is get him when he goes after the old man . Using the new passageways to our own advantage , we can cut him off on the first floor . " They finalized the little bit of the plan , like who was to go where , and ironed out all the details before Shaggy 's stomach made itself known . " All this running around sure builds up an appetite . How about we take a break and get something to eat ? " For once the gang agreed . While Shaggy and Scooby made everyone sandwiches , Velma went to work figuring out the time chart with each person 's route for the capture tomorrow . If they didn 't know the right time , they could let the ghost escape again . And they couldn 't have that happen . Anne was just stunned . She had witnessed them all in action and was actually part of their mystery and with her help , she was able to give information that was important . She couldn 't find the words to express anything except a stuttered thank you when Scooby gave her a sandwich as well . Daphne came over and nudged Velma out of her work to whisper into her ear . Velma nodded as she calculated Fred 's time chart in front of her . Daphne looked down at the girl and shook head . When it came to a mystery , it certainly was Velma 's mistress . Daphne then noticed her nails and sat down to file them down back to perfection . They weren 't as bad as she thought they were . Fred was getting himself mentally ready for the task ahead , as he munched on a sandwich . Walking a bit , he found himself looking out the window . " Wow … It 's getting dark . I wonder what time it is . " She mentioned between taking another bite out of the sandwich . That broke Anne out of her spell . She looked down at her watch and saw it was 6 : 43pm . And then she was gone . A smile was on all of the gang members . Fred stayed at the window for a while , while everyone else finished his or her sandwiches . Once Velma 's calculations were finished , she told it to them all and the joined Shaggy and Scooby washing the dishes as Fred and Daphne examined the panel they came out of . They were able to find the latch to open up the wall easier then the first section . They came out and reported it to Velma , who took notes on where it was . Daphne and Fred joined to dry the dishes and soon the kitchen was clean . They all turned to check out the living room one more time when Edward Senior rolled in . " What are you Brats doing in the kitchen ? You should be finding my son ! " " TOMMORROW ! You bunch of idiots . I thought Bella said you are then best crime solvers . Tomorrow ! BAH ! I 'll just have to find my son myself . " " Don 't tell me what to do Boy ! I 'll do what I well please . I should tell Bella to not pay you after all this is done … Tomorrow … bah … " He spun himself around and pushed though the double swing doors that the kitchen had . Fred thought to go after him , but then thought again . He would probably just yell at him for his efforts . He hung his head , but then he felt a hand on his shoulder . Fred lead the way though the doors and the rest of the gang followed . They set up their last minute preparations before they realized it was getting late . Then gang split off into the respective rooms and soon fell asleep . Waiting what tomorrow would bring with their plan in mind . But this night 's sleep would not be as long as the night before . There was a knock at the door . Daphne snapped awake as she head footsteps leading away from her room . She shook Velma awake . It took a while , but the younger girl eventually stirred . Velma stuttered out before Daphne covered her mouth and shushed her . " Shhhh . Someone knocked on our door . They seemed to have walked away . Should we take a look ? " Velma got on her glasses and gave a silent nod . Pushing Daphne 's hand off of her mouth . She picked up a flashlight while Daphne donned on a robe . Getting ready , Daphne peeked open the door while Velma stood ready . But nothing was on the other side of the door . Creaking the door open , they padded out of their door . Pensive and wary , they didn 't notice the guys creeping up behind them . Velma jumped as Fred 's hands came across , smothering the scream he expected to of Daphne . Velma pulled out her flashlight and covered most of it with her hand . Letting only a bit of light out between her fingers to look at the ground in front of her . Coming from behind her , were tracks of muddy footprints . They seemed to stop at her door . And then continue to the staircase . The whole gang crept behind Velma , who lead the way . Though as they climbed up the stairs , Velma noticed something rather odd about the footprints on the stairs . But she had no time to think about it because her thoughts were broken by the sound of a gunshot . Not thinking of caution , the gang raced up the stairs . Velma pointed the flashlight and she saw that the footprints led to one of the upper rooms . The door was cracked open . Running over to it , they came into the room to notice the Ghost of John Ridmore jump out of the window . Eyes wide , Shaggy impulsively ran to the window . A chill shot right down he as he slowly turned . Shaggy stuttered . Daphne joined him and looked , sure enough , there was no body at the bottom . But their wondering was cut short at the sound that they had missed when they came in . It sounded like someone struggling . Flashing the light , Velma found that at the end of her light was a tied up Edward senior . Fred rushed to his side as he untied the man and pulled the burlap bag from over his head . He removed the gag as the angry old man spat out a string of curses . Came a very unfamiliar scream from the most unlikely source . Velma had screamed . As the flashlight she dropped clattered to the ground , it rolled to spotlight the blank dead face of Edward Junior . Daphne screamed as well and clung to the stock - still form of Shaggy . Scooby passed out at the sight and Fred was speechless , finding it had to breath all of a sudden . This was the first dead body they had ever encountered . Fred was thrown off balance as Edward Senior pushed off of him to tilt his wheel chair over so that he could start crawling over to son . His hand clutched at his heart as he dragged himself into the puddle of blood that surrounded Edward Junior . Dragging himself against the bloodstained wall , he cradled his son 's limp head into his lap . " Oh god oh god oh god oh god … " Velma said as she slumped down from a standing position to the ground . Fred got enough of his wits about him to try to approach the grief stricken Edward Senior . Edward senior saw him approaching and looked around desperately . Picking up the gun that had done the bloody deed , he whipped it up and flung blood all over the place as he pointed it at Fred . " I don 't know if this had anything in it , but by God if is has and you get any closer I don 't have any reservations in shooting you . This is your fault . All of your fault ! " He gestured to them all , sending more blood splattering around the room . Fred backed up and headed slowly to the door . " It 's all your fault ! If you hadn 't waited and found my son … found my son in the first place . This wouldn 't have happened ! " The whole gang was slowly drawing themselves out of the room . Velma and Scooby more of less dragged out , but not able on their own will to comprehend anything . Daphne lifted Velma to her feet and guided her out of the room . They could still hear the now crazy old man shouting at them . His voice broke into sobs as the gang , dazed and unbelieving went down the stairs to their rooms . As they were on their way , Bella and Anne passed by them . They asked the group what happened but none of them were able to find their voices . The whole gang made it as far as in front of their door before Velma broke down . Her legs didn 't support her as she went limp in Daphne 's arms . She was shaking , like Shaggy and Scooby usually did . This was a major thing happening . Not only was this there first corpse , but Velma , the usual level headed one of them all was loosing it . Daphne and Fred were able to carry her to the bed before Velma latched onto Daphne . She said hoarsely . Her throat felt like it was being crushed by a vice . She couldn 't stop trembling and seeing his face … The blank face of Edward Junior . It seemed like hours what were only minutes before she was able to breath a bit more clearly . In that time Fred stayed by the bed with Daphne watching over Velma , while Shaggy had placed the fainted Scooby on the bed behind them . " The … blood … It was all over the walls … " Velma stuttered out . Daphne looked worried as she darted her vision from Fred to the shivering Velma clung around her waist . Daphne instinctually started petting the younger girls head in an act to try to calm her down . She didn 't know what else to do . Fred was trying to put his mind back together , to get himself thinking straight . As soon as his mind was making more sense , and he was able to think on a straight path , he realized that they still had things to figure out . But Velma spoke up again . " I … I was 100 % sure it was Edward Junior … I . . I have hardly ever been wrong … . Why couldn 't I have been right … This . . this isn 't happening . This can 't be real … This can 't be real … " She was rocking back and forth , saying the last few words over and over again . Daphne looked up as she noticed Shaggy standing over them as they were sitting on the bed . He grabbed Velma 's hands and pulled her off of Daphne . Turning her around , he forcefully sat her down and made her look into his eyes . " Like ' Velms ! Get a grip ! I 'm the one who 's supposed to be scared . This … This isn 't like you . " He shook her a bit , making her glasses slide down her nose . She quickly brought up her hands to catch her glasses before they fell . As she kept her hands on her glasses , covering most of her face , she noticed something . The shaking stopped as her mind fell back into place . Taking a deep breath , she brought down her hands away from her glasses . She twitched a second when she saw through her blood stained glasses some blood had also gotten on her hands and a bit was flecked here and there on all of them . The gang watched pensively to see what she was doing . Not sure quite exactly what was going on in her brain . She brought up her hand and stared at the blood smeared on it . Taking her fingers , she rubbed the palm of her hand , as if testing the feel of it . Taking off her glasses as well , she squinted at it . " Velms ? What 's going on in that head of yours ? Are you back with us ? " Fred weary asked , not sure if she was still losing it or if she was back to normal . Though it was hard to be normal when they had just seen a murder scene . She didn 't answer yet ; she just rubbed the blood on her hand off a bit on her sweater and found a clean bit of her sweater to clean the blood off of her glasses . Once she had her glasses back on , she looked at each of them , and the look on her face was determined . She looked up and down them for a bit before reaching out and getting a bit glob of blood off of Fred 's ascot . She rubbed it between her fingers and her face was getting the look of anger . Which was also something that they didn 't see often on the face of their youngest member . " Velma … What 's going on ? " While Velma was telling the gang what was happening , Edward senior had already called the police and they were on their way . The sight of Edward senior covered in blood as he closed the door to the grizzly scene was enough to make Grandaunt Bella faint even before she knew that was going on . Anne was in shock at how much blood was on her Granduncle and he would not tell her what was going on . And the Mystery Inc was nowhere to be found . She tended to her fainted Grandaunt outside of the room as Edward came back to stare at the room . Anne turned her head as she watched the gang walk up the steps , Velma in the lead . She walked over to see if Bella was all right and she had a look on her face that Anne had never seen on her before . " How dare you continue to be in my house ? The Mystery is over , Mystery Inc . You killed my son . Aren 't you happy enough ? " Velma crossed in front of him as she reached for the door . Edward reached out and latched strongly onto her hand . He gripped her wrist very hard , to the point she was close to wincing from the pain . " Yes Mystery Inc . I killed the boy and now I might be able to get rid of the annoying father , then maybe you will get the message that I am serious . Get out of my house ! " Came a voice from the speakers on the hallway walls . The Gang looked up at it as it spoke and when they looked back the Ghost of John Ridmore had a razor blade to the throat of Edward Senior . Velma 's look stayed unchanged . " What … what are you doing ? Save me ! Save me you … urk ! " He didn 't have enough time to finish his sentence before the razor came across his throat running blood down the front of Edward 's shirt . Some blood poured from his mouth . Even with this Velma looked unfazed . Actually she was looking angrier . Anne couldn 't believe that her hero could be so cold , and the rest of the gang wasn 't doing anything to stop him . " Are you done ? " Velma commented , crossing her arms staring at the ghost . For once he looked unsure . As the ghost turn to run , Fred was right there to land on him as the cops came up the stairs . The police officers , with guns in hand observed the grizzly scene . The dead Edward in the wheel chair , and the Mystery Inc group all covered in bits of blood . And Bella passed out on the floor was starting to come to as Anne looked up in disbelief at Velma and the rest of the gang . " How … How could you … . I though … I believed in you … " " Let me explain . " She told Anne as Fred dragged the protesting body of the ghost of John Ridmore . She walked over to the ghost and grabbed his face . Pulling at it , the wrinkles and skin pulled away with Velma 's hand . Beneath the mask was the face of the allegedly dead Edward Junior . Bella and Anne gasped as they had seen the blood and from how Edward senior had looked they thought the worst had happened . " We found that inside the hiding room was a collection of great movie memorabilia that taken to the right place , could sell for millions . Which must have been the reason the whole ghost thing was set up . While I was taking another hidden passageway to the living room , the ghost was chasing Shaggy and Scooby , while Fred and Daphne found the hidden passageway the ghost had used earlier . The ghost left and we all met back into the kitchen . What my hypothesis is , is that knowing that Fred and Daphne had been in the study , since Fred said he clearly noticed them , he must have doubled back and hopped back into the passageway leading to the kitchen . He must have over heard our plans and taken drastic action . " Fred reached over and took some blood off of Edward senior to show the fake blood to the cops . " It 's a mixture of corn syrup and red food coloring , with a bit of water to dilute it . Boiled till it became a thick , it is perfect for simulating blood as long as one isn 't close to it . This is usually used in theater and movies . We found a few special effects magazines and movie history books in the study , so it wasn 't probably very hard for them to find things to set this up . " Velma nodded . She pointed to the big splatter that looked like it was created from someone 's head being blow to bits . " Anne found … Embarrassingly enough , a box of empty condoms . Though it 's original use for why it was created for is not what happened here . I looked up online and found that Condoms are used in the movie industry a lot for making squibs . A squid is a packet of blood that is specially placed on a limb to simulate and impact wound . With a small explosive charge , like something you could create from gunpowder like , say … from fireworks . You would be able to simulate a headshot easily if you know what you were doing . " " The razor was also a trick . It was dull and there is a tube attached to Edward juniors arm that provided the fake blood running down as if a throat was cut . If a real throat was sliced , it would have bleed a whole lot more . I think you are found out Mr . Ridmore . " He still didn 't move . So Velma walked over and opened up his front jacket and pulled out a piece of paper . That made him move . He snapped up and grabbed Velma 's wrist , pulling her close . He pressed her into the bloody mess on the front of his shirt . He wasn 't paying any attention that Freddy was behind him and he grabbed and forced His hands off of Velma . Velma fell back , clutching the paper in hand . It was a bit blood stained but the inside should have been good . She coughed a bit as the police struggled to cuff the bloody Edward . Velma handed the note to Anne . " Cough … I think that Edward had found the will in your grandfather 's case and found himself not on it . This is why he set all this up . If the will wasn 't found , then he could get the house by default . The Ghost of his brother was well set up . And we would not have figured he was behind it since he was in a wheel chair when the ghost could run around . " " It was the foot prints here that clued me in . " Velma pointed to the steps that a few of the cops were still standing on . She motioned the cop that was in mid step to stand still . The cop mentioned look down . Velma pointed at the prints that the supposed ghost left . Unlike the cop 's footprints , the footprints left by the ghost were fully on the step . " You don 't pay much attention to how you step do you ? But someone who regularly goes up steps did not make those prints . How else would it explain that Edward Senior had gotten all the way up stairs ? While junior planted the footsteps quietly outside our door while we slept , Senior Edward walked himself up the stairs making the prints . Junior must have taken up the wheelchair and helped his father get all set up as they put their plan in order . Knowing we would go cautiously , they had time to gag and bound each other and Edward senior set off the squib making the bang sound we all heard . " Velma walked in the door and walked across to the place where Edward had made himself fall over . She searched as everyone watched and she was successful in her find . She held what looked like a garage door opener . With a press of the button , they heard a thumping and saw a hanging body outside the window . Bella was about to pass out again thinking someone was now hung outside the window when it stopped swinging and they could see it clearer . It looked like one of the mannequins that Shaggy had found . " This was also used as the body double for Junior when he was ' kidnapped ' . Fred showed me one of the books and in it had a small piece of paper . It was marking the spot about wenches and mechanical pulleys . So you see officer , these two were trying to cheat their relatives out of this house and all that was inside of it . " Anne gasped as she ran up to her with the will in hand . " Grandfather Ridmore left everything to you and my father ! He even included me ! No wonder Uncle Edward was hiding it , he 's not even on here . " Bella scooped up Anne and then swung around laughing . The gang joined in , the tension broken from the whole ordeal . Anne ran over and gave the nearest Mystery Inc member a big hug , which turned out to be Scooby . Anne couldn 't stop waving as she watched the mystery machine fade from view . She would never forget the hero 's that saved her grandfathers collection , or the adventure that she had . It was one neither her nor the Gang would forget . " Bye ! ! ! ! Bye bye ! ! ! ! " Even as the van faded into the setting sun , she couldn 't be happier . Sitting in a case beside her as she waved was a brand new hubcap , and a picture . The picture was of her with the Gang . She couldn 't wait till she could place it where it belonged … In the house that Mystery Inc saved . The End |
She was inside the trunk of the car again , knowing she was going to die , surrounded by the chilled water . She knew Vincent couldn 't save her ; she knew it was over and she was terrified - not of dying , but of what it would do to Vincent . Guilt would consume him ; he would blame himself . He would be alone , grieving for her . When death was nearest , she had accepted it ; all she had wished for was the memory of a kiss they had never shared , the ghost of his hands touching her . She grieved not for herself , but for their dream , for all they had gone through , and all they had left unexplored . And , at the very last moment , to her shame , she had wanted him to come with her , not believing she had the strength to be apart from him , even in death . It had been a month since that terrible night and Vincent had been more open with her , more affectionate even , but the walls were still intact , the uncrossable line still drawn . All her energy and concentration had been focused on keeping her feelings buried so Vincent could not feel them through the Bond . It was exhausting work . And she couldn 't stop dreaming about that night . The event itself was traumatizing , but Catherine didn 't think the dream was a result of what had happened - no , what had happened was terrible , but the aftermath had been worse . She had spent the entirety of every day since then trying not to feel what she couldn 't help but feel - love , never - ending longing , and relentless desire for him . When he touched her , she wanted more . When he left her , she wanted to grab hold of him and never let go . When he looked at her , she wanted to tell him everything . Having to bury all of her feelings had shut her down ; the past few weeks had been filled with nightmares and a bitter , defeated loneliness . It amazed her that one night could so profoundly affect her . She had spent the last two years biting back her feelings , content to let things take their natural course , to be patient - forever if need be . It had been a struggle , but she had been able to cope , to live without it and still be happy . She had been pushing him away and he had retreated , probably convincing himself that he was the reason . And he was , but not in the way he thought . It 's not that she didn 't want his company , she wanted it so much that she could barely get through every moment they spent apart . She pushed him away because she wanted him so badly . She knew what the nightmare meant - she was ignoring the transformation , the epiphany , that occurred that terrible night . When she had awakened , shivering in his arms , as he watched her with deep concern , wrapping her tightly in his cloak , she knew she couldn 't be apart from him any longer . She wanted to move Below and be with him , always . She didn 't know when or how , but she knew that nothing else would suffice now . Something inside her had shifted - irreversibly . She had changed . She was no longer content to wait and see . She wanted their dream - now . When her tears finally subsided , she turned on her bedside lamp and got out of bed . She went into the kitchen and made some tea . She had not been able to go to sleep after the dreams . Resigned to spending another night on the couch reading , she walked into the living room and nearly dropped her cup . He was there , standing in the shadows . He had opened the doors ; they were flung wide . He had not crossed the threshold , but his presence filled the room - her heart started pounding in her chest . With a shaking hand , she set down her cup of tea and slowly walked toward him . " I can feel your turmoil , Catherine . I know you haven 't been sleeping . I know you have been plagued with nightmares . Please . . . tell me what 's wrong , " he said urgently . Catherine wanted nothing more than to run into his arms and tell him everything . She was afraid to even go near him though . She was too raw , exposed . One kind word or touch from him would shatter her hold . The silence was awkward . Never once had Vincent come to her balcony and she not thrown her arms around him . He had never opened the doors . She stood in the middle of the living room , not fifteen feet separating them from where he remained at the threshold . She followed him outside . He was facing away from her , looking out over the city . She joined him , but kept her distance . She didn 't look at him . " It 's nothing , Vincent . It 's that night , when I was trapped in the car . . . I just keep dreaming about it , that 's all . It will go away eventually . " The tears were falling now . She knew she couldn 't ask for what she really wanted . If she said even the slightest thing , it would only drive them further apart . He would leave her - It broke her heart - how sad he sounded . He sighed heavily . When he turned to look out over the city again , she turned around to look at him . For a moment - the briefest moment - she felt his lips soften under hers , felt his arms hold her tighter , and her hope soared . But then he stiffened and carefully extracted himself from her . Vincent sighed . It pained him to see her flushed skin , her mouth still open in shock , her surprise and disappointment - he looked away . " It 's what I need , Vincent . I could handle it before , but since that night , everything has changed - everything ! I can 't be apart from you anymore . That night , when I thought I was losing you , all I wished for was one more moment with you , so I could touch you and kiss you . I need something to make this real ! Can 't you understand that ? " " I 'm sorry ! " she told him . " It has been enough , but not anymore . . . I 'm sorry , but I can 't help how I feel . . . " " I came here tonight . . . " he paused and sighed heavily . " I can feel it inside you , Catherine - you have changed . It 's not enough for you . . . this is not enough . . . " " I can 't be with anyone but you , so if I can 't be with you , I 'll be alone . Is that what you want ? For both of us to be alone , miserable , in constant pain ? " " It 's time for you to accept the truth , Vincent . We love each other and we will , at some point , express that with each other physically . I know that terrifies you , but the alternative is worse . . . " " If you wanted to leave me , you should have done it a long time ago . It 's too late now , Vincent . I love you . . . only you . " " In time ? What ? I 'll understand ? We 'll get over each other ? Forget each other ? Do you really believe that 's possible , Vincent ? " Suddenly , she was right in front of him and before he could react , she grabbed his cloak , pulled him down , and kissed him again . This time though , he did not respond - at all . She was stunned when he forcefully pulled himself away . His hands on her arms were tight , almost painful . He moved her away from him , let go of her , and turned his back to her . Catherine turned her head to the side , frantically trying to get control over her anger , but it was impossible . She didn 't feel strong enough to walk away from him , but any more of this and something would forever be destroyed . The entire time they had known each other , she had never pushed him like this . . . and it had backfired . All that came before - the chaste , beautiful moments they had shared - would be tainted by this one action of hers . All she wanted to do was kiss him again , until he kissed her back , until he let himself feel what he felt for her , until he understood that they had no choice anymore - they were bound ; it was irreversible and undeniable . She couldn 't hold herself back anymore - and neither could she stand here and watch their love wilt and die before them . Before he could react , she spun around and stepped through the balcony door , turned , and pulled the doors shut . She went to her bedroom for a moment and when she emerged , she was dressed . She opened the door of her apartment and then the lights went out . Before Vincent could recover , she was heading out into the night . She had left him . He had made her leave him . She had never deliberately used their worlds to separate them as he so often did by retreating to the lower tunnels . He had never felt such grim determination in her before , nor had he ever felt such an absence of hope . He waited for her , but when the sun began to rise and she still hadn 't come back , he finally left . He held the tears back until he safely reached the tunnels . They streamed down his face as he made his way back to his chamber . Once there , he pulled off his boots and laid down in the bed . As the reality and permanency of everything that had occurred caught up with him , he curled up into a ball , pulled a pillow over his head , and cried for her . " What 's up , bro ? You 're more jumpy than usual . The newspapers say a storm is coming and I know that rattles your bones a bit . " " Last night , Catherine and I had a disagreement - a grave one . She . . . " Vincent sighed heavily . " She wants to move our relationship forward and I . . . I refused . . . " " It is hard for me to imagine your perspective - hers , Devin . Can you understand how impossible it is for you to see mine ? " Vincent asked , quietly . " And she is the happiest she has ever been . . . and so in love with you . Do you know how happy it makes me to see her look at you , from across the room , or see her face light up when you barely even touch her ? Vincent , you have been given the most incredible love imaginable . You have to do whatever it takes to hold onto it - even face your deepest demons . You 're crazy if you think she 'll find someone else . If you send her away , you will both be miserable and alone . Is that what you want ? " " It has become impossible to concentrate on what is best for her when I am in her company . I can barely talk ; I can 't listen to her , I can 't . . . focus . I am obsessed with wanting to touch her . It is shameful - and it never used to be like this . I feel as if I am failing her , turning into this . . . " Vincent trailed off . " What ? " " Well , Catherine is hardly normal , and neither are you , but yes , men have been unable to resist women for millennia . . . forever . " Women are . . . " Devin sighed and then cracked a smile . " Irresistible . . . " " So , let me get this straight . You can 't say no to her anymore , but you can 't say yes , either ? What else is there ? " " Why ? " Devin asked . " Why aren 't you ready ? " I 'm not ready for . . . all of it . . . but I am afraid I won 't be able to stop if we . . . begin anything . " " You know , Vincent , this is precisely why I never worry about anything . You always did enough for the both of us ! " Devin said , exasperated . " There is good reason behind my worries , Devin . . . " " Yeah , but all you think about is hurting her . Why don 't you think about how much pleasure you could bring her ? How happy you would make her ? That 's much more likely . Men and women do it all the time and neither end up in the emergency room . " " Anyway , " Devin said , rolling his eyes . " What I mean is that , in this situation , you are like other men . You love her , you want to make her happy , you have the right . . . equipment . . . " " All I am saying is that when it comes down to it , the necessary components are there . . . most importantly love . How can you think you will just totally lose yourself and rip her apart ? " " Sorry , poor choice of words . Still , you have never hurt her and I know there were times when you probably could have . If you can control yourself when you are angry or jealous , don 't you think you can control yourself during more . . . positive times ? " " It 's more than that , isn 't it ? The fear of hurting her isn 't the only thing holding you back . . . " Devin told him . Devin laughed heartily , then sobered . " Seriously though . . . " Vincent did stand up , but this time he didn 't pace . Instead , he walked over to the entrance of his chamber , his back to Devin . It was a while before he spoke again . " Seriously , Vincent , it will be obvious . You will know what to do . And if you are ever in doubt , she will show you what she likes , what she wants . Besides , you have the Bond - men would kill for that . . . to know exactly how to please a woman . . . you have no idea how much of an advantage that gives you . " " Vincent , you are overthinking this . There is no manual and every woman is different . Cathy is a strong woman ; I guarantee that not only will she know what she wants , but she 'll tell you . Besides , she loves you . This isn 't the Olympics - she 's not there to judge anything . You could probably just lie there and she 'd be thrilled , " Devin finished with a smile . " Of course I have , Devin ! I 'm not a fool . I know the impression it made , believe me , I know . . . " Vincent interrupted . " Who do you think you 're talking to , little brother ? I know you , better than anyone . I know how your heart works and I wouldn 't have even brought this up if I didn 't think it was so important . Listen , I think that if you talk to me about Isabelle , then you will be able to talk to Cathy . " Vincent relaxed briefly , but then something dark crossed his face . " Now I feel as if I have kept something from Catherine . Honestly , Devin , I . . . I hadn 't thought about Isabelle . My memories seem . . . clouded somehow . . . hard to reach . I haven 't consciously thought of her in a long time , since . . . since the incident with Lisa . . . and not since then . " " Isabelle was brought to the tunnels when she was about ten years old - I think you were nine . She took an immediate liking to you and was very affectionate with you . She treated you like a little teddy bear , " Devin trailed off , laughing lightly . Warmth spread throughout Vincent 's body , filling him with a vivid memory of laying beside Isabelle in his room , on that very bed ; she was stroking his hair . He was wrapped around her side as she lay on her back . She hummed Christmas carols . He had his face pressed against her neck - he still remembered her smell . He gulped . " He found out about the two of you and - he was not a good guy , Vincent . He got the girls to make Isabelle feel . . . weird about kissing you and he started picking on you . One night , he went too far , and found some silly fur coat somewhere and went into the girls ' room and , just , made fun of you . . . " Devin 's throat closed at the end of that , tears coming to his eyes . It was all coming back to him now - all of it . Isabelle had stayed away from him after that . At seventeen , she left the tunnels for college . She lived in Minneapolis now . He never told her goodbye . Vincent shook his head , suddenly exhausted . Something had changed in him after that - Devin was right ; but he couldn 't make sense of it . He was remembering the kiss then . They were shivering from the water , sharing a towel , huddled together . She had on a pink one - piece suit . He had on some old , navy swim trunks . He remembered her cold hand on his chest , like a hand - shaped ice cube , and her giggling . He remembered her plump , purple lips just below his , spread in a wide smile across her freckled face . He remembered when she stopped smiling and came toward him . " You felt rejected - by her , by the other kids . I believe you thought that she had been . . . disappointed about what had happened , but she wasn 't . It was that jerk , Fowler . You know he 's in prison now ? Armed robbery ! See what I 'm talking about ? " Vincent remembered the kiss then and it was - sweet , innocent , like Devin had said , and very brief . They had banged their teeth together and smiled halfway through the kiss . They had pulled apart and acted like nothing had happened . " Vincent , you guys used to pretend to be married . Our room was your villa , if I recall correctly . You two were so irritating , but sweet . She really cared for you . It 's really a shame what happened . I just don 't think you ever got over it . And then , when Lisa ' rejected ' you , it just confirmed what you already felt to be true . Do you get what I 'm saying ? " " If I bring Catherine into my world , and she rejects me , I will . . . Devin , you 're right , I couldn 't bear it . . . " Vincent broke off , sliding to the floor , still under the archway . His hands were over his face . " She won 't reject you , Vincent . That 's what you need to understand . She 's the one - not Lisa and not Isabelle . She 's the one you need to open up to and trust . Don 't screw this up . You won 't ever find a woman who loves you as much as she does . . . " Vincent 's eyes were pressed shut in an effort to stem the tears . He stayed hunched over for a very long time , unable to move or talk . Finally , he looked up , though not at Devin . He stared blankly at the wall in front of him . His tone was flat . " Things . . . ended between us last night , she . . . left me - I made her leave me . She never came back to her apartment . She . . . wanted to come Below and I refused her . She 's been having nightmares because of me . . . " " Vincent , Father told me what happened to Catherine recently . Let me tell you something . She almost died and she almost lost you . You were the last thing on her mind when the end was near . She needed you after that . Did you even talk to her about how she felt ? " " Because I needed her . I wanted her with me every moment , every second . I could barely control myself ; when I was with her , like I said , I was obsessed . Being around her . . . it took a great toll on me . . . I . . . retreated inward , Devin , you know how I am . " " Unbelievable ! You are like Atlas , voluntarily carrying this ridiculous weight on your shoulders . You should have given her what she needed , what you needed , Vincent . Why don 't you put that relentless self control toward something better ? Going down into your well was the worst thing you could have done ! " " Is there a better time you can think of ? How long do you want her to believe that you don 't love her enough to give her what she needs ? I hope you 're not too late already . " " You are unbelievable ! You really don 't get it ? Your skull is really that thick ? " Devin said , exasperated . " Then please enlighten me , Devin . . . " Vincent said , an edge to his voice . He had always walked away from her - he couldn 't deny it . This time was different . He had gone too far . He had made her walk away from him - made her . " You better hope she 's still there , Vincent . Seriously , you pushed this one too far . . . " Vincent started to feel queasy . He made his way over to the desk and sat down heavily . His elbows rested on the table , his head in his hands . She had finally come home around 5 a . m . , dragging herself into her apartment . She had been walking , nearly constantly , since she had left the apartment . Her feet felt like her heart - broken and heavy . She made it to the bed in a few strides and got under her covers immediately , clothes and shoes still on . Shivering from the damp cold and caffeine - tinged nerves , she had laid there , unmoving , for hours . Something about this was different . She felt differently . She didn 't want to go after him - well , she did , but she couldn 't . They were at an impasse . He couldn 't move forward and she couldn 't look back . She had kept pace with him for two years , silently jogging beside him in a race not of speed , but of endurance . But now she wanted to run ahead , feel the pull on her legs , the air in her lungs . She could see the finish line and she wanted to reach it , but he would not alter his pace . What was he doing right now ? Thinking of her ? Playing chess with Father to get his mind off of things ? No , he was probably as deep as was possible in the Tunnels by now . Why couldn 't he see how simple this really was ? If he would only hear a few words , or let her touch him , just once , or touch her - She had tried to kiss him - twice even . She was sorry for what happened , but not sorry that she tried , though the rejection stung . She had hoped that when they finally did kiss , it would feel so right and undeniable that Vincent would respond and kiss her back . It was how she had always imagined it . It was obvious that she had been wrong - twice . Had something been destroyed ? Could this really be over ? Could she survive and continue to love him if he would never allow touch between them ? Maybe she could have waited longer , but something had changed that night . She had no more patience ; she had no choice . She was obsessed with being close to him , she felt like she needed him for her very survival right now , and to be denied was - What did she do now ? She had no idea how to start a life from this place . She didn 't want to get up ; she felt weighted and bound to the spot . Two years - two years had totally transformed her entire purpose for living . To say that he had opened a world for her was still too shortsighted . He had opened up a universe and had reached across it , asking for her hand , like that moment so long ago , when she had jumped across that expanse to catch his outstretched hand . She felt it then - she could not have named it at the time , but the pull had been there . It had tightened ever since . A life without him was unimaginable . And it wasn 't because she doubted her strength ; it was because it was impossible - like trying to walk across the ocean . How could she even begin ? She couldn 't do it . She wasn 't sure she could be around him and not need him like air , but she was sure she couldn 't bear to be apart from him . Some small part of her believed that Vincent would not be able to , either . They would talk - they would find a way . They had to , because the alternative . . . was impossible . She pulled herself out of bed and started the shower . Within twenty minutes , she was in clean clothes , heading out the door . Why wait ? She knew she would eventually go , so why not just get it over with ? I 'm coming to see you . You better be there she accidentally let escape through the Bond . Still , he had better be there . A new family was moving into the building and accessing the storage area , so Catherine headed toward Central Park . " She 's coming to the Tunnels , Devin ! " Vincent burst out , feeling her steps as she made her way toward him . He should go meet her . . . " Thank you , Devin . I am truly grateful , " Vincent said sincerely , and then to Devin 's surprise , Vincent smiled . " Don 't be here when we get back ! " Her clothes , her purse . . . he knew there was plenty of cash in that wallet . There had to be . She needed money for her nails , and cabs , and martinis , things rich women needed . He licked his lips . There was no one around . He was shocked , considering it was the middle of the day . But the skies were darkening , swollen with rain ; nobody would go for a walk in the park with a storm on the way . She was heading toward him , but too preoccupied to notice him . It seemed like she was heading toward the drainage tunnel . Why would she go there ? He estimated that if she went into that tunnel , he could reach her in five seconds . Was it fast enough ? He thought so . He had a gun , after all . Most broads just immediately let go of their purses when he pressed a gun into their ribs . Even if she started screaming , he would have an ample head start . The man had relaxed a bit , probably realizing that he had the upper hand . His face wore more shock now than venom . Whenever he focused on Vincent , he blinked slowly , still taking him in . " You can have my purse , " she said more earnestly . " There 's money in there . That 's what you want , right ? You don 't want to hurt me . . . " " Here , take my purse . . . " she said , sweetly . " I 'll throw it to you . There 's at least a couple hundred dollars in there . . . " Catherine tossed the purse toward the man in a high arc . When the man 's eyes registered the object coming toward him , he very slightly lowered the gun - it was enough . Vincent lunged toward the man and tackled him to the ground . A shot pierced the air and hit the rock before Vincent grabbed the gun , which he then threw behind him for Catherine to retrieve . Vincent stood up , dragging the man with him , forcing him to his feet . He grabbed the man by his collar and growled into his face , baring his teeth . She was unconscious and he couldn 't tell where she had been shot . His hands moved frantically over her body , but he could barely see through his tears . She had lost so much blood ; it was everywhere . Vincent quickly wrapped her in his arms and took off running . The sense of familiarity overwhelmed him - him running this very same path , with her in his arms , two years ago . . . like then , she now lay completely limp in his arms and he could barely feel her through the Bond . He ran past a sentry and ordered him to send a message to Father to meet him in the infirmary at once . The sentry was shocked at the tone in Vincent 's voice and immediately tapped out a message . Vincent pushed himself harder . She was stable , but still in great danger . The injury was more than a flesh wound , but it had not hit her jugular or carotid artery and it had not hit her spinal column . A half - inch either way and . . . Vincent couldn 't bear the thought . Her clavicle had a hairline fracture , and she had lost a great deal of blood , but that was the extent of her injuries . The only reason she had survived was because the bullet was from a small caliber gun . He was not going to be able to let her go now . He knew he couldn 't ; too much had happened , too many close calls and near escapes . He could no longer endure the separation . Every moment of every day , she was on his mind . Between classes , he would sit quietly in his chamber , his eyes closed , just letting the Bond completely consume him , so that he was barely in his surroundings , his body and mind filled with her essence . A few tears fell from his eyes and landed on her hands that lay folded across her stomach . He took a deep breath and tore himself away from the bed . He paced in the tight space , trying to force his emotions back down inside him . Instead , he cried harder . He dropped to his knees , laid one hand upon her side , and continued to cry , only because he was unable to stop . " I have nothing to offer her , Devin - no money , no power . I have a chamber and books , nothing else . . . this is no life for her . I can 't walk by her in the daylight . I can 't give her children . I can 't marry her and celebrate with her friends . I can 't even protect her ! " " Don 't you think you 're shortchanging her a little , Vincent ? Yes , she could have money and power - in fact , all of that is within her reach now , whether she has a man or not . But that is not what she cares about - she cares about you ! Trust me ; she would rather be in your bed , in your chamber , than in some penthouse with a man she doesn 't love . . . " " Vincent , all this is irrelevant . You don 't have a choice anymore . You can 't let her go , so you better figure out how to make peace with it . " " Are you serious ? " Devin interrupted , nearly choking on his frustration . " After all this . . . you think some time away will . . . what will time away do , Vincent ? " " Vincent , what 's the worst thing that could happen ? So she comes down here and she doesn 't like it - highly unlikely , but let 's just say that she doesn 't want to be here . So what ? So she stays in her apartment or moves into a place with easier tunnel access . . . isn 't that the worst that can happen ? " " I 'm afraid . . . " Vincent spoke so softly that Devin could barely hear him . He seemed to be speaking more to himself . . . or Catherine . " I 'm afraid that if she really sees me , she won 't . . . love me anymore . . . " " So you would rather keep her at arm 's length to prevent that ? Vincent , that 's ridiculous . It 's time to face this , little brother . . . and it 's time to give her some credit . She loves you - she wants more time with you , not less . She wants to share her life with you and seeing your bed head in the morning is not enough to send her running for the hills . She is realistic - she knows what she is asking . . . " " You have to stop this , Vincent . You 're being irrational now . . . we both know this is all but inevitable . You either give her what she wants or step aside - there 's no other way . " " Vincent , I apologize , but you are needed in the older chambers by the Great Hall . A support beam is exposed and showing signs of rot . With Cullen sick and Kanin Above , there is no one else . . . it should only take an hour or so . . . " " I 'll stay with her , bro . Go fix it ; the sooner you go , the faster you 'll be back here . . . " Devin assured him . Finally , Vincent bent down and lifted Catherine 's hand to his mouth and kissed it gently . He held it for a moment longer and then set it back down . He left the room without another word . " You can 't know that . She should be here - Vincent needs her here . Only doubt and fear are holding him back - doubt and fear you have encouraged ! " " And I know nothing about matters of the heart , Devin ? " Father asked , glaring at him . " When it comes to Vincent , all you can see are the limits and boundaries . I know you want to protect him , but even if he does get hurt , even if her coming Below is the worst decision they could make , it 's something they have to try and you need to step aside and give them your blessing . . . " " Vincent doesn 't know what he wants - his concern for her well - being blinds him , Devin . You know that . He would go Above in the daylight if she asked him to . . . " " He knows what he wants ; he 's just too afraid to ask for it . The only reason he resists is because he 's worried about disappointing her - it has nothing to do with his lack of desire , Father . Can 't you see how unhappy he is being apart from her ? Can 't you see how unhappy Catherine is ? " " Vincent could use some foolishness . . . and some recklessness ! He deserves love and all the craziness that comes with it . Why can 't you be happy for him , Father ? They love each other . Cathy is not going to leave him or hurt him - I know that 's what you 're afraid of . I know you don 't trust her . " " Well , if you are trying to protect him from getting hurt , you 're too late . He is hurting now - being apart from her is hurting him . He has to find the courage to ask her to come Below and he needs your support , not your lectures or your misguided attempts at protection . " " I know you love him ; I know you want him to be happy . This is what makes him happy - she . . . " Devin said , pointing at Catherine , " is what makes him happy . " " Yes , it 's too late . If they don 't do something , try something to make this work , they are only going to remain unhappy . Vincent 's fear is blinding him , Father . He needs us to help him find his way , to know that he deserves love and happiness . He needs us . " Cathy does , too . She gets it ; she knows that things will only turn bitter and painful if they keep themselves apart . She has the courage to try , to give up her entire life , Father , just to be with him . The least we can do is make sure they have the best chance possible . " " Shhhh . . . " Devin soothed her . " I promise to help . You two belong together . I 'll make him see that . . . " Catherine smiled and squeezed his hand . He finally stopped and sat down in his chair beside the bed . He put his elbows on his knees and stared at his hands . His head was down . The bold question stunned them both . Again they were in uncharted territory , again it was her that pushed too far . She saw him go rigid . Neither spoke for many moments . " It 's what is best , " he insisted . When she finished , she fell back against the pillows , lightheaded . She knew he was stubborn , but this was cruel . Surely he could give her the gift of his company for a while , be with her when she was hurt . He stood up then , turned , and grabbed his cloak . He took three steps toward the door and then stopped in his tracks . After recovering from the shock of his near exit , she looked up and saw him staring at her , frustration apparent on his usually expressionless face . Then , he walked back over to the desk , laid his cloak down , and sat in the chair . Again , he dropped his head and began to study his hands . Catherine ran her fingers through her hair and sighed , suddenly exhausted . She didn 't have the strength for anything more . Why couldn 't he just hold her , comfort her for a moment ? Couldn 't he feel how much she needed that right now ? She wasn 't asking for the world from him , just a moment , in his arms . It was unbelievable that he was withholding that from her - unbearable . She turned over in the bed , her back to him , and pulled the covers over her head . After a few moments , he sat down on the bed beside her . He reached over and in one motion , pulled the covers off of her and folded her up into his arms . She immediately started crying . He buried his head beside hers - his warm breath on her was such a comfort . His hand came up behind her head and pulled her closer , until her cheek was pressed against his . He held her tightly , slightly swaying back and forth , rocking her , rubbing her back , soothing her . He held her long after she stopped crying . He felt her near sleep through the Bond , and carefully laid her back down . She started to protest , but stopped , relieved when he laid down beside her , not breaking contact . " Don 't leave , " she whispered . Devin helped her return to the infirmary . When she was settled back in , he sat beside her , unable to ignore her distress . He couldn 't leave her without asking her what was wrong . He might be opening up a can of worms , but he couldn 't let her hurt like this . She shook her head . " Everything . . . that he 'll hurt me , that he 'll prevent me from living the life I 'm ' supposed ' to live , that he can 't give me what I need to be happy , that I 'll reject him . . . am I warm ? " she finished , frustrated . " Whoa , Cathy , " Devin interrupted , throwing his hands up in innocence . " I don 't agree with him . I know you guys are right for each other , but he can 't . . . he can 't see it , Cathy . He 's afraid of . . . disappointing you . . . " " I know that . You know that . But he . . . " Devin sighed . " He 's afraid that if you see him , truly see him , live with him , that you won 't love him anymore , that you 'll . . . leave him . He 's more terrified of you leaving than asking you to stay . . . " " Why ? How is that possible ? I have proven to him a million times that I love him , that I want to be with him , always . How can he not believe me ? " Devin looked at her . She was exhausted , with dark circles under her eyes . Her skin was pale ; she looked defeated , her usual glow tempered . How much more would Vincent put her through ? Devin decided that enough was enough . He couldn 't watch them both suffer needlessly when the solution was right in front of them . " Yes , but that was different . They were young ; she was teasing him . Father put way too much importance on that - they were just kids . . . " " This was before Lisa . He wasn 't keeping this from you . He didn 't really remember it , Cathy , not until I brought it up . I wanted to show him the root of his fears . . . " Devin took a deep breath . " There was a girl , Isabelle , whom Vincent was . . . close to . They were very young - it was innocent ; they just enjoyed each other 's company . She was very affectionate with him - she made him feel special . . . and accepted . " Devin looked up at Catherine and rethought his plan . All the color had drained from her face and her eyes were wild and wounded . Her lips were pressed into a thin , hard line and she was shaking . " Cathy , " he said , gently , reaching for her hand . " This was nothing compared to what Vincent has with you . " " One day , after swimming , they kissed - just a peck ; it was over in a second . . . but there was this other kid , Fowler . He liked Isabelle and he got the girls to make Isabelle feel weird for kissing him and then he . . . he just tortured Vincent . It was awful . I couldn 't wait to get my hands on him ; I really let him have it . . . but . . . it was too late . Isabelle listened to the other kids and began ignoring him and the rejection stung Vincent . . . he started withdrawing , pulling away from everyone . I left not too long after that . He won 't talk about that time , but I know he was hurting . . . and alone . It took him many years to regain his confidence and begin to feel accepted again . . . " " What can I do , Devin ? " she asked him . " How can I show him that I won 't leave ? I 'm at a loss . . . " Vincent 's boot scuffing the tunnel floor shook them to the core . They were caught - and devastated . If Vincent thought they were openly discussing such a difficult topic , behind his back , conspiring … Catherine couldn 't breathe . He stepped to the foot of the bed . Devin let go of Catherine 's hand and sat back in the chair . Catherine 's eyes were fixed on Vincent 's impassive face ; he returned her gaze for a moment , before dropping his head , the way he always did . Catherine was mortified . She had never meant to harm him by talking with Devin . She pulled the covers to her mouth , trying not to burst into tears . How could she have hurt him in this way , just when he needed to have faith in her the most ? Nearly ever action of hers - trying to kiss him , accusing him of lying , talking with Devin - was pushing him too far . It was like a horrible nightmare that unfolded unendingly before her . " Vincent , " she cried out . " I 'm so sorry , please , I . . . " She wished she could run out of here right now . His tone had cut her deeply ; she wanted to disappear . Suddenly , Vincent kicked a metal stool ; it flew against the supply cabinet , making an ear - splitting noise that caused Catherine to jump up in bed . She gasped in disbelief when he kicked the chair again , sending it careening over to the tunnel wall before it ricocheted back toward the cabinet and clanged to the ground . He growled and jerked around , his hands going to his head and then falling again . He turned away from her again with a whimper that tore her in two . He was trying so hard to keep himself in check . It hurt to watch . She would never forgive herself for causing this much anguish in him . He stumbled forward until his hands gripped the edge of the examination table . His arms were arrow straight and filled with tension . He was absolutely silent . He was holding his breath , bracing himself , holding himself in . She had never heard him have such difficulty speaking . The effort looked Herculean . Catherine wanted to say something , but the words wouldn 't come . She watched him ; his usual grace was gone . Though his back was to her , his posture spoke volumes - he was nearly shaking with rage . She ran her hands over her face and sighed ; she had to do something . " Vincent , " she started , trying to steady her voice . " In the entire time you have been a part of my life , I have never been able to speak about you . I 've never told a friend how much you mean to me and I have never received any advice on how to . . . endure the painful parts . I know this is the price I pay for our dream and you know I pay it willingly . . . I just needed to tell someone . . . I needed someone to tell me . . . like what I said before . . . I needed it to be real . . . to know that you feel it , too . " I don 't want to apologize for it . . . it meant so much to me , to Devin . We care about you and want you to be happy . We want to help you find your happiness , Vincent . There was no strategizing , nothing we wouldn 't say to you . . . " He spun around in a whirl , like he did when he was attacked , or when he was fighting for her . The violent world Above had provoked this in him before , but never her . She realized then that he was staring at her and , despite his assurances of a moment before , he was angry with her , very angry , but she didn 't notice that as much as she saw the pain in his face . His mouth was firm , hard , his fists clenched , his legs locked and strong - every part of him was set and grim . He stared at her , blinking slowly . And then the light went out in his eyes . The blue shut down , closed the door , left home . He still stared at her but he did not see her . It was the love that was gone and without that , there was nothing . And then she understood what this was about . It wasn 't that he felt betrayed . It was that she had voiced her feelings , after all this time , to someone else - someone who knew how difficult it was for him . It was the same feeling she 'd had when Lena had shared that intimate moment with Vincent in his chamber , when she had told him of her love and offered herself to him . To know that Lena had been in his chamber , right next to him in the middle of the night , when Vincent was drowsy and warm . What she wouldn 't give for that moment . It had been freeing - wonderful even - to talk to Devin about her feelings for Vincent , but she had been wrong to do it . " I 'm just so worried , Vincent . . . I feel like I am losing you , I feel lost . . . I 'm sorry , I just didn 't have the strength to resist . . . I 'm sorry for being so weak . . . " she finished , defeated . Catherine shook her head , trying not to cry . She tried to resist the pull , but the floor fell out from below her feet . The only thing worse than what she had done to him is that now she was succumbing to her selfishness for letting herself be hijacked with guilt . She had disappointed him ; she had seen the love flee from his eyes - there was nothing if there wasn 't love . She covered her face with her hands . It was as if the very air had been stolen from her body . There were no tears ; there were no thoughts . She just stopped . It was real - she was broken . And suddenly , he was beside her and she was wrapped tightly in his arms . " Please , stop . I can 't bear to feel this in you . . . whatever you want to say to me . . . tell me now . . . " " Why have you taken so long to hear it ? You know everything I feel , Vincent , everything . I have tried to keep everything buried , but I know you can feel it ! You didn 't want to know . . . " He didn 't walk very far . He paused at the end of the bed , and was silent . He was breathing softly , slowly . She had no idea what he was feeling . She was about to tell him that it was okay for him to leave if he needed some time to himself when he spoke . She gulped in shock . Had he really said that ? He was going to talk about this ? She panicked about what to say and only managed to whisper - yes . He turned and looked at her then . She nodded , her throat still choked up . " Catherine , " he whispered , dropping his eyes to the floor . " Do I make you happy ? " " My chamber ? " he asked , the fear that he was overstepping a line implicit in his speech . She buried her face against the warm skin of his neck . A shiver went through his body and though he held her tightly , she felt his grip loosen . He recovered instantly . Vincent sat on the edge of his bed , his head hung before her . She was sitting in his chair , facing him directly . She had a blanket wrapped around her . She reached forward and slowly pushed her hands up his thighs , trying to soothe him . " What is it ? " she whispered , pushing herself forward , closer to him . He jumped a little , but didn 't move . Her elbows were on his knees , her hands around his waist . She looked up at him . She raised her head then until her cheek rested against his . She didn 't say anything else . She knew he was scared ; she wasn 't about to push him . Rather , she reveled in the sensation of her skin on his . If this was the closest she ever got to him , it was enough . The feelings were almost painful , they were so sweet . She raised her hand to his other cheek and stroked him softly , lazily . They were sinking into an unfamiliar space now . His mouth dropped open a little and a puff of air was released . It was a breath of wonder , surprise , emotion . . . And then she was in his lap and her hands were everywhere upon him - his face , his neck , gripping his shoulders , pulling herself into him . It was as if she had to continually hang onto him , like she was falling . The kiss deepened , as did their surrender . She pushed him back and moved on top of him , kicking the chair out of the way . She ran her hand down the side of her body where it touched his . When she reached his knee , she grabbed the fabric , tugging upward , her thigh pressing into him . He cried out wordlessly and rolled her over , kissing her harder . Side by side , they clutched each other ferociously . And then they stopped , simultaneously . They looked into each other 's eyes , though they were too close to actually see . Though Devin had correctly assessed the scene before him , Father was too preoccupied with his charge to notice . He was by Catherine 's side , his medical bag opened on the table , looking for his stethoscope . Catherine , still flushed and breathless , laid down in the bed , awaiting his ministrations . " Very well , indeed . She should not exert herself too much , but the worst is over . We 'll leave the bandage on just to be on the safe side , " Father replied , turning from the bed to return his equipment to the bag . Would he still come ? Maybe she should go back down . It was dangerous enough for him to climb to her balcony when it wasn 't raining ; she didn 't want him to take any unnecessary risks . A thought struck her and she went to the front door , making sure all the locks were secured . Then , she went to the phone in her bedroom and disconnected it , followed by the phone in the living room . There would be no interruptions from the outside world again . He wore a short sleeved , dark green tunic , loosely belted with a velvet rope at his waist . His customary white flannel shown bright underneath . He was soaked . When she finished pulling them off , she turned back toward him and her chin nearly hit the floor at the sight in front of her . He was hunched over in modesty , rain snaking down his chest . He had retreated and was leaning against the brick wall , beside the door to her apartment . Light trickling onto the balcony collided with his skin , and she could tell he was breathing heavily , his chest filling with each deep pull . He was astonishing , but not what she expected . He was more . He was muscular and powerful , but leaner than she had imagined , more swimmer than football player . He seemed . . . softer somehow . His hands pressed back against the brick , clutching it . His head hung low . His hair , long and dripping , fell over his eyes , covering them . The traces of light left shadows on his face , blues and blacks . At the sound of his name , his body quieted . She saw his hands grip the brick behind him , the tension transferred there . He became soft again . Later , after , they sat across from each other on the bed , cross - legged . They held warm mugs of hot chocolate , each taking tiny sips , waiting for it to cool down . They were quiet , still a little shaky with the gravity of what they had shared tonight . She looked up at him then , smiling . Then , her luminous eyes dropped and Vincent was both relieved and disappointed . He loved looking into those eyes , but it was almost too much . When he looked into them , he felt nearly overwhelmed by his love for her , especially now . He took the mug from her and set them both on the nightstand . When he turned to her again , he brought his hands to her face . Her smile got bigger and she pressed her cheek against his hand . His heart clenched inside him . Her fingers clenched his powerful forearms , her nails digging into his skin . His lips dropped to hers and their eyes closed , clouded and heavy with need . Fingers became lighting bolts , touch , thunder . " Did you get an earful then ? " Devin laughed as Vincent sat down beside him on the bridge over the abyss . " It seems a small price to pay , " he deflected humorously . " I love her . And she is going to come Below and live with me . And that I was happy , the happiest I have ever been . . . I told him his blessing was not needed , but still appreciated , " he said , pensively . " Now , everything is . . . Devin , you were right to push me the way you did . If you had not ; if you and Catherine hadn 't spoken to each other , I might still be in that lonely dark place I 've lived in my whole life Devin jumped up to his feet , brushing dust from his pants . Vincent stood up beside him and hugged him thoroughly . Devin returned it , until he felt something - " I know - it 's so tacky . Jenny brought it back from a conference in Memphis . She thought it would be hilarious . I 've had it for a long time . . . " Vincent chuckled . He then set down his mug and turned back to face her . She looked up at him with an expression that simply weakened him . He stepped forward to kiss her and barely a moment passed before the skies suddenly opened and poured rain onto the city below . Within seconds they were soaked . He stepped toward her then and they sank to the floor together . She wrenched him closer , until their bodies were flush . And then they were kissing , fingers finding fabric , mouths moving and moaning . And the rain pounded on . |
I did not meet " Pioneer Woman " Ree Drummond today when we visited the Mercantile . I 've read the reviews , and I knew Cliff would be a total mess if he had to wait in line for three hours ( it happens ) in order to get inside the Mercantile . My research told me that if you don 't want to wait in line , the best days to go are Tuesday or Wednesday , and the best times of day are in the morning and evening . . . it 's open from 7 AM to 7 PM . That 's probably the worst time to visit if you hope to meet one or more of the Drummonds , which I had no intention of doing anyway ; I 'm uncomfortable meeting famous people . When we got there , there was no line waiting to get in , and many open tables in the restaurant section . I can eat anywhere , so that wasn 't something I was worried about . I just wanted to see the store , since I had followed the reconstruction of the place on Ree 's blog . That 's me , in front of the Merc . I need to pose a little better so people don 't notice my crooked knees in the picture . Oh well , just " keeping it real " , as Ree used to say in her blog . I miss how her blog was before she became famous . The restaurant area is actually very small . I can see why lines form . They probably didn 't anticipate so much enthusiasm from Ree 's fans . I took this from the stairs , looking down on the store part of the building . Yes , the stuff is pretty pricey . What do you expect from a tourist trap ? I wanted a coffee mug , but they sell out of those as soon as they come in , so none were available . I made do with a T - shirt and a refrigerator magnet . Upstairs there 's plenty of seating and a place to buy carry - out food . This is where Ree usually shows up to meet folks and sign books . How do I know this ? Because of this lady who guided us through Immaculate Conception Catholic Church ( don 't miss the chance to take that tour ! ) : She knows the Drummonds , and had only good things to say about them , especially Ree . She asked if Ladd and the boys showed up while we were there ; they often do , early in the day , and let people take pictures with them . She said Ree is in the process of getting her latest magazine finished , so she knew she wouldn 't be in today . Oh , and even though Wednesday is one of their slowest days , guess what we saw when we went past the building at 11 AM ? A long , long line . At least I feel better knowing they won 't meet Ree . If everything I 've learned is correct , it IS possible to meet Ree or her husband , or the kids . If you want to meet Ree , you 'd better stand in line for lunch . Be sure and ask about a trip to the Lodge when you 're there . You might manage that if they aren 't filming for the TV show at the time . I 've never been to a more friendly place than Pawhuska . People are helpful and pleasant , and all the townspeople appreciate what the Drummonds have done for this once - dying town . You can get on the Internet and find jealous people who say bad things about the whole family ( just google something like " I hate pioneer woman " ) , but if you go down there and talk to the locals they have a different point of view . Posted by Last night as I lay in bed waiting for sleep to envelop me , I decided today would be the day we 'd clean the filthy carpet in the living room and hall . Cliff has been wanting to call somebody to come and do the job , but I think the worst part of cleaning a carpet is the preparation : moving furniture , vacuuming thoroughly . . . it seems to me as though the actual cleaning wouldn 't be such a huge problem , once all the prep was done . This morning I woke determined to get it done . Noticing the eastern sky lighting up a bit , I took my coffee out on the back deck and soaked in the peace surrounding me . A tiny wren perched on the fence and sang a lively tune for me . I heard frogs croaking in the distance and various birds awakening , and by the time full daylight came , I heard the occasional hummingbird buzz past . I finished my coffee and walked around the yard awhile , strolling to the garden . I surveyed the tiny ( to me ) plot and decided on a small vacant area to plant a couple more hills of corn . I fashioned two hills in the lower right - hand area of the garden . By the way , a " hill " of corn doesn 't have to be an actual hill , just a grouping of seeds . But since I 'm in the process of spreading straw over the entire garden , I though it would be easier to see where my corn is if I made actual hills . You can see the earlier two hills of corn I planted before , with corn plants about six inches high . Since I now had the hills made and watered , I went inside to get the seeds I had wrapped in a wet paper towel and placed in an open baggie for germination . I went back to the deck , sat down , and surveyed the pasture where the calves are ; that 's when I noticed how healthy the sour dock plants were looking . Cliff has mowed that pasture twice this year , but within a week after mowing , those dock plants raise their ugly heads as though nothing had dampened their enthusiasm for taking over the place . Early this spring I decided to wage a war on those hateful plants . I knew the whole four - acre area was too much for me to tackle , but I decided to simply fight the ones within twenty feet or so of the yard , all the way from east to west , so I wouldn 't have to look at them first thing in the morning . I went out with a shovel at various times and dug the plants in that area up . Of course I didn 't get the entire root on any of these pesky plants . Those longest roots must go down a yard or more . But I figure at least it set the plant back more than simply mowing . Those broad - leaf weeds are my enemy ! Look at all those nasty seeds . Well , I decided I 'd better go dig up a few of those while I felt so frisky . When I got that done , I went in the house to prepare about two quarts of strawberries for eating , since I wanted some ready to put on cereal when Cliff got up . Plenty for cereal and plenty for dessert at lunch , I thought to myself . But wait , we don 't have any shortcake . I love store - bought shortcake , but the other day we didn 't have any , so I made the home - made kind , which over a period of two days we devoured ( with a little cream poured over them . . . I wonder why we can 't lose weight ? ) . Cliff remarked that he preferred the home - made variety to those little golden shortcakes in the store . Well , I 'll just make some shortcake again , I decided . ( Recipe HERE . ) Cliff got up , we had our cereal , and I told him about my original plan to clean the carpet . Then I put on some boiled eggs to use in the potato salad I intend to make at some point today and took the trash out . That 's when I realized I had used up my initial energy doing so many other things , I wasn 't going to mess with carpets today . I was tired already ! And I still have strawberries to pick . Well , I 'm a pathetic gardener now . I planted a short row of lettuce , and one of spinach , early in the season . I went out to harvest a little of each one day , stopped and assessed my " want - to " , and decided I didn 't want to wash all those leaves of vegetables . As soon as it was dry enough , I tilled both crops under . Cliff enjoyed the radishes I planted , though . And then the strawberries started coming on . My mother was very diligent in seeing that her strawberries were picked clean every two days . Since her birthday was in the latter part of May , she used to get strawberry shortcake for her special day . If they were late in a particular year and there weren 't enough ripe for everybody , she got the first bowl . This year I was so lazy , I stopped picking them for four days , so of course some were rotting . I could hear my mom exclaiming , " Oh no ! Those pretty strawberries are going to waste ! " So I picked a few more . Then after three days , figuring they 'd rotted and stopped bearing , I checked them and realized I could salvage a lot of them . That 's how my strawberry picking has gone this year ; I just don 't care much about any of it . Today the kid helped me , and she 's a great little picker . Oh , she misses more than she picks , but she knows to throw away the bad ones ( if they 're too rotten she won 't touch them , though ) . Because of those young Norway Spruce trees in the background , I 'll probably relocate my garden next year lest the tree roots rob nutrients from the things growing in the garden . Here 's what this years garden looks like : Strawberry patch in the foreground . I have two hills of corn ; a short row of green beans , and I just planted more today ; three young cabbage plants ; and a dozen tomato plants . I have no idea how I ended up with so many . I only planned on half - a - dozen . This happens to me every year with tomatoes . I have six hills of potatoes planted , I believe . I planted them mainly for the kid , since she loves to help dig potatoes . I don 't have plans to freeze or can anything except tomatoes this year . . . and a few of these strawberries , if I can force myself . I have gotten rid of a lot of canning jars , and I need to get rid of more . But you can 't even give them away most of the time . The Amish folks at Jamesport will buy them , but I think you only get twenty - five cents per jar . I have more than I will ever use again . Every time I look at my jar collection , I know I should get rid of at least half of them ; but then I remember how I bought brand new jars when we could barely afford to buy them , and how happy I was to see my pretty jars sitting on shelves in the basement . It 's like selling my children ! So I 'll just keep them and my kids can haul them to the ditch when I 'm gone . Can you say " hoarder " ? I 've been spending at least an hour outside every morning lately , watching and listening to the world wake up . The hummingbirds seem to be the early risers of the bird world , so I sit on the porch and watch them fight over the nectar in the feeder before I come inside . I love my mornings ! Honestly , that 's the highlight of my day . It just doesn 't get any better than a morning in May in Missouri . The only " chores " I have these days ? Feeding the cats and the calves in the morning . . . okay , and keeping the hummingbirds fed . I 'm going to suspend giving the calves their sweet feed for awhile , though , since the pasture is so lush they really aren 't interested in grain . Once Cliff and I were in the Midland Theater , we were led to our seats in the orchestra section . The seats were folding chairs , quite comfortable in themselves , but so close to one another . The rows were spaced in such a way there wasn 't a lot of foot room , either . However , the chairs themselves weren 't that uncomfortable . When we first sat down , Cliff looked all around the place and said , with an I - told - you - so tone in his voice , " Not many people here . " I informed him that since the seats were reserved , most people weren 't anxious to be seated until time for the show to start . Sure enough , at 8 : 05 when the show began , most seats in the place were occupied . The show started with no announcer , no fanfare . Arlo and his musicians just walked onstage , greeted the audience , and began singing . He sang some songs I 'd never heard , and I really couldn 't make out most of the words to those . But it was OK , because I was seeing Arlo Guthrie , Woody Guthrie 's son ! He 's a decent guitar player , so I enjoyed the guitar melodies even when I wasn 't familiar with the songs . There was a talented man at the right of the stage playing backup guitar . His wife was beside him dancing around and playing non - instruments , like a triangle and a tambourine . Other than giving a sort of hippy feel to the show with her dancing , she didn 't contribute much , but she didn 't hurt anything , either . Arlo 's son played keyboard . As I had expected , Arlo spent as much time talking as he did singing , and I loved that because I love stories . . . anybody 's stories . His talking voice is clear and easy to understand , so even Cliff , with his limited hearing , understood a lot of what he said . He talked a lot about his dad in the second portion , and he sang " Alice 's Restaurant " , which he doesn 't always sing on tour because it 's twenty minutes long ( and he 's probably sick of it ) . Great job , Arlo ! Here 's a funny little story which probably took place in my imagination . I haven 't even told this to Cliff , but here it is : When Arlo sang " City of New Orleans " , many of us in the audience sang along on the chorus . I love the song , but I don 't even know the whole chorus . I sang , " Good morning , America , how are you ? Don 't you know that I 'm your native son ? " I couldn 't think what came next , so I stopped singing rather than mumble through , but my eyes were glued to Arlo 's face and , by george , it seemed he was looking right at me . He stopped and said , " You can 't just sing part of the chorus . You have to sing it all ! Let 's try it again . " Now , we were eight rows back and it was pretty dark in the theater , so I really think this was all imagined . My daughter told me once that when she 'd go to the Branson shows with my parents , there were times she thought one of those good - looking singers was looking right at her , singing especially for her . This was probably the same sort of thing . But it felt so magical at the time , I don 't even care whether it was real or imagined . I paid a lot for our two tickets , and for my part , it was worth every penny . Don 't ask Cliff , though . He doesn 't even know what the tickets cost . I hadn 't even thought about the weather during the show , so my little happy bubble burst when we got to the exit and saw there was a rainstorm going on outside . By the time we got to the car , we were drenched . Thunder crashed , lightning lit the sky . Cliff and I rarely leave the house after dark , and here we were about to get on the freeway , already drenched , in a torrential downpour . As I was getting in the car , the whole idea struck me as hilarious and I laughed and laughed . ( Cliff wasn 't laughing . ) I don 't know when we 've been out driving in such a storm ! Cars had pulled over and parked under every single overpass . We could hardly see the road . I was still sitting there smiling like an idiot , but I restrained my laughter because I don 't think Cliff would have wanted to hear it . By the time we arrived home , around midnight , the rain had settled into a steady rhythm . I told Cliff that the problems we had driving through the ghetto to the venue , and the scary ride home afterward , would just make the whole event more memorable . I reminded him that now , when he tells stories about how bad the Arlo Guthrie concert was , he can add lots of details that will have people rolling with laughter . Stay tuned , my dear family . I 'm sure you 'll love it . Feel free to ask him about it . Toward the end of the show , Arlo talked about Woodstock . He said all he really remembers about it is the helicopter ride getting there , and then leaving . He sang the Bob Dylan song " Walking down the Line " at Woodstock , and he sang it Thursday night for the audience . The next day I checked Youtube and , sure enough , there 's the video of Arlo as a very young man , obviously drugged out of his mind , singing to a drenched and drugged crowd . As for the whole experience Thursday , I don 't know WHEN I 've had so much fun . I 've gotta get out more ! Peace and love to us all . Cliff has been wishing he could avoid the 18th of May for a long time , having no desire to see anybody who doesn 't sing old , pure country : especially not some aging hippy . But he loves me , and I refused to coerce a grandchild , who would have had no more interest in Arlo than my husband , into hauling me there . Half the reason I wanted to see Arlo was because he is Woody Guthrie 's son . In the early 60 's a folk craze swept the country . I embraced it and bought a cheap guitar and a chord book so I could sing the simple old handed - down songs that the Seeger family had collected years before . Peter , Paul , and Mary had several hits at the time , of which my favorite was " Blowin ' in the Wind " . That got me interested in Bob Dylan , so I bought his first album . Somewhere in those years , when I was only making minimum wage ( starting at $ 36 a week ) , buying a record album was a big deal . I wandered into some record store downtown and saw there was a three - album set of the Library of Congress Woody Guthrie recordings on which Woody got drunk , told stories , and sang . I must have skimped on groceries for awhile , because it was a major purchase for me . I listened to Woody on those vinyl discs almost non - stop after my bus ride home from work each day to my little apartment on East 11th Street in Kansas City . Now at this time , Woody was in a psychiatric hospital and had been for several years ( Huntington 's disease ) . But he was a true hero in my book . He inspired people to form unions , to stand up for themselves . That 's what folk music is all about ! I 've never followed Arlo 's career that closely . The only three of his songs I 'm really familiar with are " Motorcycle " , " Alice 's Restaurant " , and " City of New Orleans " . But he 's the son of a legend ! I paid a pretty penny for the two tickets , buying them months before the event . You can get to the beautifully restored Uptown Theater ( where I saw Ben Hur as a teenager ) from our house in less than 40 minutes , but we both wanted to allow plenty of time . We don 't do so well with city driving , and get lost almost every time we try to navigate Kansas City . But we do have the faithful GPS , so we were pretty confident we 'd make it OK . " You know what happens when we don 't listen to the GPS , " I said . So he forged ahead , and things got interesting . We ended up in the ghetto , each block looking more scary than the last . I asked Cliff to lock the doors . Cliff , meanwhile , was gritting his teeth , probably thinking it was just one more fine mess I 'd gotten him into . As we watched a hooker getting picked up , we wondered what on earth we were doing in that part of town . This strange route we followed took us to Union Station , where we couldn 't follow the GPS directions because there was a road closed . At least when you take a different turn , the GPS navigates you on a different path , so we finally made it to the theater . Free parking ! How can you beat that ? And right next to the theater , too . Things were looking up . There were a couple of guys playing music on the sidewalk for spare change , and a line to the door had formed near them . The music was decent . When we got to the entrance , there was a man with a metal detector searching purses and pockets . He asked Cliff , " Do you have any knives or guns ? " " What ? ? ? " Cliff said . You see , his hearing , which is never great , is nonexistent when there 's a lot of background noise ( like music six feet away from us ) . The guy asked him the same question four times , and each time Cliff said , " What ? " a little louder . At this point the man cracked up , because I think he realized how ridiculous it was to be asking an old , white - haired man in overalls such questions . Finally I got right in Cliff 's good ear and repeated the guy 's question , and he told him " No . . . only her ( motioning toward me ) . " ( I 'm going to make this a two - parter , so this concludes part 1 . It just goes on too long . At least you know we made it there safely . ) Posted by Somehow Cliff got involved in helping a nice lady we 'd never met get her tractor running . She has someone who will mow her little five - or - so acres , but she needed to get her Oliver 550 running . Cliff ought to know all about 550 's , since he 's had at least half - a - dozen of them . The Little Princess was here today , so this morning I said , " Cliff is going to go work on a lady 's tractor . You and I can stay here at the house , or we can go with him , but we will have to play outside . " She thought we should go along . When we arrived , the nice lady invited us in , but I told her the kid does better outside where she can run free , and thanked her . She said we were welcome to play on her front porch then , so we took the baby doll and a blanket to throw on the concrete . Little Princess immediately pronounced the porch " our house " . And the area where I spread the blanket out was " our bedroom " . After playing house for awhile , I suggested we walk around and find an adventure . Unfortunately , I didn 't have a camera with me on the first leg of our walkabout , which took us into the lady 's back yard . There are many , many trees on her place , the back yard being no exception . I spotted a couple of side - by - side stumps and said , " Oh , look ! Wishing stumps ! " Then it was her turn : She scrunched her eyes closed and wished for a dog . Really ? She just got a toy fox terrier for Christmas last year . Oh well . It 's her wish . There is a long driveway going up to the lady 's house , so I suggested we walk down the driveway to the road . It was a nice little stroll , and on the way we discovered a tiny brook . We cautiously checked out a hollow tree to see if anything was living in there . We spent some time making necklaces out of white clover flowers , and chains from dandelion stems . Look closely and you will see the white clover blossoms against her shirt . When I started to take a picture she gave me a phony smile and I said , " You don 't have to smile . " It was a great morning . Cliff finished up with the tractor , and my little nature - loving buddy and I kept ourselves occupied . She was running most of the time we were there . A few weeks ago I got a call from our health insurance company . They wanted to schedule an in - home visit with a nurse - practitioner for both of us . We 'd been through this once before ; it 's really no big deal : They take your vitals , ask questions ( " Do you fall often ? " " Any trouble with dizziness " , etc . ) I had scheduled this visit for a Friday because we don 't often have Cora on Fridays . However , this turned out to be one of the times she was here . That isn 't a big problem , because as long as she is told ahead of time someone is coming , and tell her she needs to try and be a very big girl and not interrupt us when we 're talking , she is a champ . As soon as the lady got here , Cora went for her pla - doh and stayed in the kitchen playing . The nurse took me first . She listened to my heart twice and informed me I seem to have an irregular heartbeat , but she 'd move on to Cliff and check again when she was done with him because maybe it was a fluke . I figured it wasn 't a big deal . After all , I 've had that silly murmur for years with no ill effects . I 've actually become rather attached to it . When she came back to me she listened to my heart again , picked up her cell phone , called our doctor , and made me an appointment for that very afternoon ! What a pushy woman ! I would have made myself an appointment ( OK , maybe . . . ) , but not for that same day . About this time , Cliff 's sister Rena dropped in . She takes her dogs to the veterinarian at Lexington because he charges about a third of what the vets in the city charge , for the exact same services . While her dogs are getting their checkups and teeth cleaned , she always comes to visit us . Cora enjoyed having Rena here ; they even went pretend - shopping at my former chicken house . Once the nurse left , it was practically time to eat ; so we went to the Mexican place at Lexington . Back home afterward , the clock creeped slowly toward 2 : 30 , the time we had to be in Oak Grove at the doctor 's office . We told Rena she could stay here when we left , but she decided to step outside and call the vet to see what was going on . When she came back inside , she was crying as though her heart would break . Angel , her twelve - year - old dachshund , has cancer all through her body . What a bummer . This is the little dog that 's been through everything with Rena : Her divorce , moving to our old house after living in Wisconsin for years , then on to a house she bought in Blue Springs . Angel has been the one constant in her life . Rena went on to Lexington to get her dogs , and Cliff , Cora , and I went to Oak Grove . I had messaged Cora 's mom to warn her that Cora would not have a nap that day . When we either one have a doctor appointment and Cora is with us , the other person stays in the car and plays with the kid ; because who wants to take a healthy child into a germ - pit ? I was really concerned I 'd have to take blood thinners . Mother had atrial fibrillation , and in spite of medication she still had episodes sometimes . I do NOT want blood thinners . But then I don 't want a stroke , either . It isn 't that I 'm afraid of dying , but a stroke can leave a person disabled . All is well . I do have that irregularity with my heartbeat , which the nurse at the office explained to me when she showed me the results of the EKG . However , as long as I 'm not having chest pain or dizziness , I should be fine . I told the nurse she was starting to look pretty good to me , since she had good news . So now my heart has the murmur AND an irregularity ( but not atrial fibrillation ) . I 'm feeling pretty special . I looked up a video I took of Rena 's Angel pestering a toad a few years back . Here it is : Monday the little girl asked if we could go to the pond . I wasn 't doing anything of importance , and the time spent with her in the previous week hadn 't been much . Her dad was off work due to rain , so my babysitting services weren 't needed . Cliff and I always ask her dad to bring her for a visit on those rainy weeks because we miss her ; so we did have her for four hours , on two different days . The pond isn 't a long walk , but she wanted to take a baby doll and a blanket and a carrier and . . . well , I tried talking her out of that because I knew who would end up carrying all that stuff : me . She then suggested I pull her , baby , and all the paraphernalia that goes with motherhood , in the little red wagon . That makes the short walk a little more difficult for a senior citizen , but I agreed . and threw them into the water . We discussed how the smaller hunks of mud said " plink " ( spoken in a high - pitched voice ) and the larger hunks said " plunk " ( in a deep , low voice ) . She had to dump a little bit of dirt from both shoes . We 'd been there awhile when a frog began croaking across the small pond , and another to our left answered back . After their chorus had gone on for awhile , a very small croaking began , almost at our feet ! I shushed the kid and pointed at a spot about four feet in front of us and said , " Listen " . The tiny frog croaked again . We couldn 't see him , but the grasses around him vibrated with each little noise he made . It got to be too much suspense for a curious little girl , and she reached toward him . He jumped into the water , a frog less than two inches long , stretched out . Check out the frogs ' croaking on this video . That 's the kid 's pony , Dixie , in the background . The family spent last weekend riding , and this child rode without her mom having a lead rope on Dixie . For those who might be concerned , she was wearing a riding helmet . How can it be possible the infant we began babysitting is almost four years old ? Saturday we went to the Orscheln tractor show at Richmond . This wasn 't something we did with our usual group , since the club was doing a show at Warrensburg at the Veteran 's Home . But this was closer to home , and Cliff has had the good fortune to win first place at the two local Orscheln stores three times , with a different tractor winning each time . These shows involve a lot of sitting around in a parking lot with your tractor , and getting a free hot dog for lunch . Now , many people park their tractors and leave , but Cliff is always afraid unsupervised children will be allowed to climb all over his tractors and do some damage . So we take our lawn chairs and sit . I have a pet peeve about both of the Orschlen shows we participate : The winning tractor wins by popular vote , which is great ( Cliff has won the $ 100 gift card three times ) . Entrants can vote , and so can the general public . However , there is no way the public knows this because nobody tells them . There 's no sign to tell them that there is even any voting to be done . In fact , most of the entrants didn 't know there was voting to be done last Saturday ! So what usually happens is this : the entrants vote , and if they have relatives and friends at a show , they tell them to vote . But all the strangers who look over the tractors , admire them , and ask questions have no idea they could vote for their favorite . I guess the folks at Orscheln think people are mind - readers . There were at least fifty people who came and looked the tractors over , but only 23 votes were cast Saturday . And some of those only voted because I told them they could . But enough of that . We did have an enjoyable day , and it turns out there was also a fair in town and Saturday was parade day . Three guys were going to take their tractors in the parade , so we joined them . This dog spent the whole day with his person ( the fellow on the other side of the steering wheel ) . There was a huge crowd in town to watch the parade . Kids were there to pick up the candy thrown from various floats , and some of them seemed to have made quite a haul . While we were sitting in the parking lot , a couple came along with three grandchildren ( one brand - new baby ) . The kids were so excited about the tractors they kept wanting to get on them , or even just touch them , but the adults told them not to . . . how nice to see somebody actually have control of their children ! The little boy was especially fascinated with the big machines , so I told the folks I didn 't think it would hurt if they let the kids sit in the seat . I made the offer without asking Cliff 's approval , but I could see he was OK with it : His main fear is some kid climbing on and falling off . He doesn 't want to be responsible for someone getting hurt . Watching those children on the tractor made it worth any risk on our parts ! Notice the little girl climbing on my " buddy seat " . This boy was beside himself with excitement , and would probably have been content to sit there for much longer , but his grandparents were ready to move along . Later another little boy was all excited about the larger Farmall sitting beside ours , and Cliff took it on himself to tell the parents they could let him sit on our tractor . From now on I 'm going to keep my eyes open for well - behaved children who obviously love tractors and give them a chance to sit on ours . Maybe I 'll casually mention to their parents to be sure and vote for their favorite tractor . Hmmm . I wonder which one they 'll vote for ? Well , I 'm a pathetic gardener now . I planted a short row of lettuce , and one of spinach , early in the season . I went out to harv . . . |
I am a 52 year old woman who has been having shoulder problems for about 1 year . Pain , stiffness , then it seemed all at once I couldn 't raise my left arm . I don 't recall any injury ; and have been seeking treatment since October 2006 . I have had a manipulation under general anesthesia , but still am unable to bring my arm around to my back , or to the opposite front pocket . Now , November 2007 , I have been diagnosed with breast cancer - - infiltrating ductal carcinoma , grade II , and ductal carcinoma in situ , noncomedo type , nuclear grade II with associated calcifications . The largest focus of carcinoma measures 1 . 2 cm . I slept , briefly , during the night , and got up for work this morning . Daniel didn 't . He rolled over away from the light . I had a safe drive down , thank you God . I notice two things on my drive : 1 . ) It 's darker that it used to be , and 2 . ) the sumac along the road is turning colors like it does in the Fall . What 's with that ? The shuttle was there and took us over . We had a great group today , and it turned into an extremely busy day . We may have had 9 babies on our shift alone ! And there were still laboring patients when we left . We couldn 't get out of there fast enough tonight . I had a safe drive home , too , and Daniel was home when I got there . We visited some , I had some of the food I wasn 't able to eat for dinner at work , checked my email and wrote here . He has drifted off to bed . Tomorrow I have a haircut and a Funeral for Miss B 's mother . Thank you for reading . Hugs . P . S . Tomorrow is Daniel 's Birthday Daniel tells me I was " sleeping well " this morning . Good . He was up and out and I went back to sleep , finally waking 9 : 30 ish to the sounds of the grassy areas being mowed . I took my time this morning . Working 2 days in a row can get to me . I breakfasted , looked at the computer , looked at television ( HGTV - - I don 't know how anybody gets anything done with that channel and the craft shows and such ) , stretched , went out for a jog . After I cooled off I showered . Then I was hungry again , so I fixed food and ate . I decided to go the library , then Meijer . Daniel called while I was driving to say he was on his way home . He said he had fun in Grand Blanc . We unloaded groceries , and I made biscuits for shortcake and we had a snack and visited . I work tomorrow . I noticed in the shower that the pesky breast is firm and tender . It 's been sore , and I 'd rather have a sore breast than a sore mastectomy site . Whichever , I 'm happy to be here . Thank you for reading . Hugs . Daniel had gotten up in the night ; I dozed back off . When I woke again he still wasn 't in the bed . Huh ? ? I got up to look - - he was sleeping in the guest room . Again , huh ? ? I went back to bed . It was somewhere around 2 AM . When my alarm came on I got up , feeling a little rested . Just before 5 , Daniel comes in , carrying his pillow . I asked him why he was sleeping over there . His response ? ? " You were snoring ! ! ! " Yippee ! ! ! I finally had some decent sleep ! ! ( sorry I interrupted your sleep , though ) We breakfasted and went on our way . I had a safe drive down , thank you , God , and the shuttle pulled up just as I was parking . Thank You again . We had a busy day , and I finally left at 8 PM . Whew . A safe drive home , more thanks . Daniel had been able to leave around noon , I think he said , and had slept a couple hours this afternoon . He 's getting up early to to the the Buick Open golf tournament in Grand Blanc . He 's quite excited . I 'll be sleeping in , then exercising and going out for groceries . And praying for peace in the Lord , as my cousin is declining with brain cancer . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I think I slept a little last night , getting up when the radio came on at 0428 . * yawn * I got ready for work . Dan had to get up too . An uneventful drive down , thank you God , although I saw a stopped vehicle on the northbound side whose front end was crumpled and the creature lying in front of it . I hope no one was hurt . The shuttle was there as I pulled into the parking lot . We had a good day ; unfortunately we left a lot of patients in labor and delivery , so eventually everyone will be busy tonight . An uneventful drive home , too , thanks again . Daniel was home when I got home . We visited a bit while he worked on the schedule for tomorrow . He has drifted off to bed . I 'll be going soon , too . I work again tomorrow . My " hot flashes " have been different , I think . I seem to be hotter longer . Like sitting on the sofa with the fan on me , and with the air conditioning running . And still perspiring . Sheesh . I hope this doesn 't last too long . Or I 'll be happy when winter arrives . . . Thank you for reading . Hugs . This extra day off was just what I needed . ( My schedule was changed from Mon / Tues to Tues / Wed ) I was awake most of the night again , flip - flopping like a fish on the dock . I slept a little this morning , getting up a little after 9 . I breakfasted , read a little , then went outside for a jog . Came in , cooled off , showered , fixed food and ate , then took the van to Discount Tire , as the 2 right side tires were losing air , and Daniel had been there in March to have them looked at / serviced / or whatever they do to tires . I had made an appointment on the internet , and when I got there I told the guy I had an appointment at 3 : 45 . He busied himself with the computer and documentation and such , and told me I would be there approximately 45 minutes to an hour . I was kind of surprised , but I said again something about having an appointment , and that I would be out in the van for a while . ( because there were 2 young children running around , climbing on everything , with the adults being loud to them , etc . . . not pleasant ) After maybe a half hour their vehicle was done and they left . I went inside to the air conditioning to wait . My vehicle finally was brought in . It turns out that one of the rims had corrosion that interrupted the seal , and the other tire had a staple in it that they removed and repaired . When they brought the van around , there was one other customer left . I approached the salesperson who had checked me in and asked him if it was typical to wait like that for an appointment . He looked at me like I was from another planet , got on the computer to see the appointment schedule , and fell all over himself apologizing for not realizing I had an appointment . He promised to " make it up to me " next time I come in . ooookaaaay . Like he 's going to remember . It really wasn 't a big deal , other than the naughty adults and kids . After they left , I did some reading . I was glad I had the time to take care of the vehicle maintenance . Daniel was home when I got there . He had another very busy day as they gear up for the Opening , the firstPosted by I can 't believe how hot I am at night . Or maybe it 's just when I lay down . I listened to the radio via headphones last night for 2 hours , dozing some , and when I got tired of listening I turned it off . Tossed and turned . Hot and cold . Daniel softly snoring rhythmically should have put me to sleep , but , noooo . And even after he was up and gone I only slept a couple of hours . Maybe I just didn 't need to sleep much last night . . . . Anyway , I got up and ready for the day about 9 . It was very pretty out - - then it would cloud up and almost rain enough to get everything wet . Then it would dry up . This happened several times throughout the day , the last time being about 3 PM . I went out on the balcony and trimmed / deadheaded the flowers inbetween showers . I went out and picked up my prescription . And that 's really about all I did today , other than putz around , tidying up , etc . Daniel is in bed . I have the fan blowing on me on the sofa . Maybe this is a solution ? ? Prayers , please , for my dear friend Miss B . , as her mother passed away today . She was a sweet woman . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I didn 't sleep too well , that is , until after Daniel left at 0530 . Then I slept until 0900 . As I was thanking God for my life and this day ( morning prayers ) , my phone rang with the first of many good wishes I received throughout the day today . I am truly blessed . I went out for a jog today . When I started out , the roads had dried from the rain early this morning . It was cloudy , and as I was out the clouds got darker and the wind picked up . As I was cooling down the last block to home the rain started . At first , I thought " shoot , it 's raining " , but the rain was warm and it was kind of nice . I would have liked to have had someone to walk in the rain with . . . I came in and cooled off , then showered . I went over to the library then to the auto parts store for windshield wiper blades . This Pontiac G6 has atypical blades that are 1 . ) expensive and 2 . ) hard to find . I spent an hour on the internet looking for them at other than the dealer for $ 35 apiece . Our local CarQuest store was shown to have them . In fact , they had two models with a $ 5 difference in price , each blade . The first set the helpful guy put on were $ 17 for one and $ 22 for the other . Geesh . Then the other person in the store , the manager , was looking at the old ones and asked were the ones I just paid for like these ? The guy said no , and the manager got on the computer for the part number , went to the display , and got the type that were like the old ones . Those , he said , would be $ 6 more . Ok , I said . And by the way , it 's my birthday . How about marking them down for me ? ? He said he did , that 's why it 's only $ 6 more . Ok , I said . He told the first sales guy to change them out while he finished the paperwork . After a minute , he handed me the receipt . " There you go , " he said , " I just made it an even exchange . " Wow ! ! ! Thanks ! ! " Happy Birthday " , he said . I thanked him again and left . I looked at the receipt after I got in the car . Those wiper blades retailed for $ 70 ; I paid $ 39 . Daniel said they 're $ 80 at the dealer . Geesh . I hope they last about 10 years . . . I went on Posted by Daniel got up and left for work ; I stretched out and went back to sleep . I woke about 8 : 30 , listening to the radio a bit before getting up . The bottoms of my feet were still sore , though not as much as last night . I thought I might go out for a jog before going for the massage . I had breakfast , and by the time that had settled and I had stretched , I didn 't think I would have enough time to cool off and shower . So I didn 't go out . I showered , than played the piano instead . That was nice . Leah did a great job today . Got the knots out of my neck and shoulders , worked on the axilla ( underarm ) of the surgical side making that feel so much better , and I asked her if she had time to do my feet a little . To my surprise , she said , " I love feet ! ! " And went on to tell me that she is furthering her studies in reflexology and taking the class for certification in medical reflexology in the fall / winter . We only had a few minutes for each foot , but they do feel better . Not all the way , but better . And I made a series of 4 appointments with her through February to be a " practice client " ( at $ 25 for an hour treatment ) as part of her requirements . ( p . s . - - She still needs " Practice Clients " ) Boy do I feel better . I was hungry when I got home , and had a large water and a small snack . Daniel called at 3 : 40 saying he was on his way home , too . After he got here , he wanted to go to dinner . Ok . We went to Los Tres Amigos . Yum . Back at home , he worked on the employee schedule while I went out on the deck and finished the second library book . When I came in , Dan was sleeping in the chair . He somewhat woke up and went into bed , 9 pm . I looked at stuff on the internet and wrote here . Tomorrow is groceries and library . Thank you for reading . Hugs . Dan and I both slept better last night , though I was still awake several times . I got up and got ready for work . Dan had gotten up too , a half hour after I did . We left in the rain . It was a yucky drive - - there were several different places where a small animal ( a skunk was one of them ) had been hit , and with the heavy rain and poor visibility , had been hit several more times and splattered across the road . Yes , it really was yucky . But I made it to Jackson safely , thank you God . We had a great group of co - workers today , and a very busy group of patients . I think I only sat down maybe 3 times - - twice to chart , and once for lunch . The rest of the time I was chasing the halls . I noticed my feet getting tired maybe around 2 : 30 / 3 , but by the time I clocked out and changed into my street shoes they were sore . Oh yeah , I clocked out and ate dinner at 7 : 08 . No shuttle ; I walked the two blocks to the parking lot , trying to keep a positive attitude and a pace faster than a small turtle . I made it , though , and was glad to finally get home . Getting out of the car was less than graceful , as was walking up the steps . No matter , home now . I unpacked my things , changed clothes into my pajamas , talked with Daniel , and got off of my feet . Ahhhhh . . . . . . Oh man , my feet are sore . Them dogs have been barking for the three hours I 've been home , but they 're finally feeling better . I had the foresight a few months ago to schedule my massage for tomorrow , 1 pm . Ooohhhh yeeaaaahhhhh . Looking good . . . . . Daniel has gone to bed , snoring almost immediately . I 'll be going shortly , too . Thank you for reading . Hugs . My bed felt pretty good when I climbed in . The funny thing was that neither one of us slept real well . And then the radio comes on for me to get up for work . That 's ok ; I 've had a turn at having time off . Dan and I breakfasted together before going in separate directions . I had a safe drive down , thank you God , and there was no shuttle this morning . Hm . I walked over . We had a good group today , and we got ugly busy about 5 pm . I felt bad when the next shift came - - I knew they were coming into what could be a difficult night . Ahh , well , they are excellent nurses and will do a great job . I clocked out and left . There was a shuttle at the door , and I jumped on for a ride over to the parking lot . It was kind of drizzling , kind of raining . Wet , anyway . I had a safe drive home , thank You again , and Daniel greeted me when I got there . We visited a bit , then he fell asleep in his chair while I wrote here . I 'm tired , too , and will probably go to sleep soon . Tomorrow is a workday . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I slept pretty good , listening to the night birds when I was awake . And why do the loons call between 2 and 4 AM ? Not that I mind , but I wonder . . . This morning was hazy / foggy / misty , pinky orange tones over the lake . Almost surreal looking . I was surprised when the day turned out to be clear and mid 60 's . I got up about 8 : 45 and started getting ready to go . Not in any hurry , I changed the linens on the bed , showered , and breakfasted . Bit by bit I got finished up . Mary M . came by on the paddleboat to say goodbye , and after that , Mary C . across the road came over to say goodbye . I made my lunch to take with me , finished loading the car , and finally got on the road about 2 : 15 . I had a safe drive , thank you God , in and out of rainshowers all the way down , getting home shortly after 5 . Daniel had just gotten home . He was happy to see me , I was happy to see him . It was good . By 9 : 30 I 've unpacked , done 3 loads of laundry , and got my things ready for work tomorrow . I posted a link to the Summer Vacation pics here and in the column on the left . ( I didn 't edit them or anything , just downloaded ) Tomorrow we both work . It 's good to be home , mostly . Thank you for reading . Hugs . Hey - - I finally slept good ! ! ! I was soo tired last night I went to bed at 10 : 30 . I woke at 12 : 30 , and then again at 4 ish . I listened to an owl before going back to sleep . Next wake up was a little after 10 . Wow ! ! And I felt rested ! Finally . After getting up and wandering around , I saw that it was 65 degrees and clear skies , very light breeze . I decided to go out in the paddleboat after breakfast . I took my coffee with me , and had a very pleasant ride with Mary M . , KS ' mom , who was just coming up to my dock as I was getting my paddleboat ready . I shoved off , and we each rode our own boats down another point then back to her place . She moored , we said our goodbyes , and I came back to home . I floated around the back of the speedboat to make sure all was well with the prop and lower unit and such ; it seemed to be . I pulled the paddleboat way up into the egress and I 'll turn it over later . I had been out over 2 hours . I had some water before a quick trip into Hale . Back from there , I had a light lunch before going out to burn the leaves we had raked up last weekend . I put the sticks and twigs then larger branches in the burner , put a few leaves in it , and had a one - match fire with no paper . Ha ! And wouldn 't you know , the wind started to pick up . I burned anyway , watching it carefully , and got it all burned , then put the grate on the top while it smoldered itself out . The neighbors were out , too , and he helped me flip the paddleboat over . So much easier with two people . I walked around outdoors and made sure everything was done , then went in . I fixed my supper and ate that , looked at email , and before long , Daniel called . He sounded tired again tonight . I finished up my evening picking up and packing some things to go home . I finish up after breakfast and get on the road . The wind has quieted down again , and I 'm not far from bedtime myself . Thank you for reading . Hugs . What a beautiful day ! I got up this morning to sunny skies and a not - so - windy lake and 50 degrees . Looking out the side window , the loon family was here ( in the water ) near shore . Two adults , one young ' un . I 've seen them feeding the little one , but today , the little one is allowed to dive on it 's own . When it went under water , the adult birds would either stick their head under and watch or dive down with it . And if the young one came up with something in it 's bill ( ? ) / mouth , it swam to each of the adults and put it near their mouth before eating it . Like it was showing them what he got , and making sure it was ok to eat . Fascinating . I had my own breakfast , then got on the road to go to Aunt Lois ' house for Aunt Donna 's 80th Birthday Party . I had a safe drive down and back , thank you God , and a wonderful time there . It was good to see all those who were there , and seeing the elders looking , well , elder , is a reality check . Yes , I know , it 's part of life . I 'm thankful to have been able to hug them all today . Back at the lake about 8 : 30 , it was gloomy , and rained for a brief time . Tomorrow I 'll get mostly ready to leave , as I return to work Wednesday . * sigh * I 've had a great 10 days here , so far . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I did pretty good today . Slept fair and was only awake for about an hour about 4 AM , then woke again about 9 . I watched the lake for a while , and was surprised that when I looked at the clock again it was after 10 . Time to get up . . . I did , and had a slow morning . I breakfasted and had coffee , and was just going to get my running things on when there was a knock at the door . Jim came in . And several beats behind him were my niece and her family : Amber , Scott , Gianna , and Shealyn . And Polly , too . Wow ! What a nice surprise ! They are camping in Glennie and were in Long Lake where Jim and Polly found them and brought them over . We had a nice visit . After they left , I needed to go into Hale for a trash run and to get fruit for the party tomorrow . Those things done , there was a youth group doing a car wash for donations . I let them wash my car , then came back home . I put things away , fixed food and ate . Daniel called and we visited . He sounded good today . We finished our conversation and I got ready and went out for a jog . It was good . I came back in , cooled off , showered , had a snack , read a little , and wrote here . The temps today stayed cool - - 60 at the lake and 63 in Hale - - and the wind was still doing it 's crazy pattern of variability . Tomorrow I 'm going to Flushing for the day . I feel kind of " funny " about being almost home , and not going home , but I 've got a couple days yet , and I need to clean here before I leave . I didn 't want to spend today cleaning and packing and loading and stuff . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I was awakened about 0300 by the noisy loons . They were real close , and making a lot of noise . I looked out , but even with dim moonlight I couldn 't see anything . Geesh . ( I do love listening to them , though ) I didn 't go right back to sleep , though . I think I laid awake for an hour or so . Hot , then cold . I will say the extremes of the temperature highs and lows are better . I finally dozed off just as the morning birds started calling . I woke again about 9 . I got up , because Tom and Kathy Sue were planning to arrive about 10 to the Goodwin Cottage , and I wanted to visit . KS called at 10 saying they were in town , and she was over to the Jacque Cabin about 10 : 40 or so . I had just finished my breakfast . We visited - - it was good to see her . And Polly came over , too . It was nice that " we girls " had a place to be while the three brothers could be together . After a while , we girls went into Long Lake to a little shop , then they dropped me at the JC while Polly and KS went on back to the GC . The weather was high 50 's , overcast , and trying to drizzle . I read a bit , then walked down to the GC . I loitered there for a while . Bruce left for home about 5 , T & KS left about a half hour or so later . They brought me back to the JC so I didn 't walk home in the rain . Not too long after I got back Daniel called . He sounded better today . He had been busy still at work , but he said that the day was more controlled . I had my supper , then got to painting . I finished the ceiling in the front room ! ! ! Yippee ! It looks so much better , even with just a coat of the Kilz stuff on it . It certainly needs another coat of real paint , but one thing at a time . Tomorrow I need to get fruits for the party in Flushing on Sunday . We 'll be celebrating our Aunt Donna 's 80th birthday . Amazing , isn 't it ? ? I have much to be thankful for . Hugs . A very light breeze this morning and mostly cloudy . As the morning went on , the wind picked up , and the clouds got " chunky " and we had patches of blue sky . Even though the thermometer showed just 70 degrees , when the sun was out it was very warm , almost hot . My neck and shoulders are a bit tight and sore , but I 'm trying to just stretch and let things be . I might paint more this afternoon . I saw activity down at the Goodwin dock - - Jim had the Sunfish sailboat ready to sail , and a few minutes later , Bruce had the sails up on his . The wind was strong , and off they went . I got this pic of them across the lake . . . . . . which doesn 't truly capture the wind and the water . But the size ratio of the two craft is there . Anyway , I went down to the GC to visit with Polly and wait for them to come back to our end of the lake to get a few more pics . We chatted for a while , and when time had gone by , and " shouldn 't we be seeing them pretty soon ? " and we 're watching the clock , and we 're just convincing ourselves to get in my speedboat and go check on them , we see the sail of the Sunfish . And as we watch , we don 't see the sail of the Spindrift . Uh Oh . As Jim fights the wind and comes in to the dock , he says the winds were too difficult for Bruce 's boat , and it capsized , or " turtled " . Yup . 20 foot mast , straight upside down . And they had a challenge to right it . Fortunately another boater came to help and got it right side up and over to shore to get it bailed out . They decided that Jim would sail back and get his fishing boat and pull the Spindrift back to the GC . Polly , Jim , and I all rode down to the other end of the lake . Bruce had managed to move the vessel over to the public boat launch , where he was in the process of dismantling the boat . He did not want to attempt towing it back . Jim stayed with boat , while Bruce drove Polly and I back to get Bruce 's truck and trailer . The winds were still strong and whitecaps on the water . Polly stayed at the cottage while Bruce and I drove over to the launch and picked up the sailboat . It was amaPosted by The day started quiet and gloomy / overcast . It never really rained here . The same odd wind pattern of being windy then quiet . Temperature got up to 76 , surprisingly . I had breakfast , then went into Hale . Dropped mail at the Post Office , trash at the waste station , then over to Dollar General for cleaning stuff . To Alward 's for milk , and they had the whole cooked chickens that I like , so I got one of those , and fresh veggies . Back home , I put things away and had lunch . Daniel called as I was finishing . He sounded real good , though he says he 's " mentally tired " . As we were on the phone , I saw a sailboat coming from the far end of the lake . I watched as it got closer then turned around near here . The next time I looked up , it was docking at the Goodwin Cottage ! Huh ? ? Hey - - Bruce brought his sailboat ! ! Awesome ! ! The sailboats like the wind . . . After I finished kitchen chores I walked to the GC and saw my brothers and sister - in - law . ( Jim and Polly have returned today , also ) . We visited a bit , then I came back to catch a ride to Hale with the neighbors . The French Boys Choir was performing at the Catholic church . We got there and found a seat . The church was full . There were maybe 20 boys , from maybe 7 or 8 on up , and maybe 4 adult males . They sang mostly in French , but the music was wonderful . There were a few numbers performed in English , but with the French accent it was different . And of course the acoustics in the church were wonderful . After the performance , my neighbors went to check on a property while the owners are away . They wanted to show me the gardens , and a couple of buildings on the property , too . It was a good thing we checked - - a door on one of the outbuildings had been left with just the screen door closed , so the heavy door got closed as we left . Then they wanted to show me their other house , which was a few more miles away . Ok . We walked through the house , they sang a couple of karaoke songs ( really ) , we walked through the yard , then left . On the way back to the lake , we stopped at the GC , as neighbor Bob haPosted by When I saw the morning it was clear and sunny , with the birdlife and chipmunks making their noises . I laid there for a while listening and watching . Wonderful . Then I remembered the contractors for the buried telephone line are coming this morning . Time to get up . I was finishing getting ready for the day when I heard the " beep - beep " of a truck backing up . Yup , it was them . I waited until they were out of the truck and getting oriented to the job before going out and introducing myself . Tim and Garr did a very good job of doing what they do , and when they left about 3 hours later , in some areas one could hardly tell that the earth had been disturbed . I did my best to stay out of their way , but I did go out and sweep off the garage , the walkway , the decks , and the front of the house . Then I sat on the deck and read . Even after they were finished and gone , I continued reading . I went down and uncovered the boat and fired it up and let it run a while . I know but maybe next time I 'll take it out and try to moor it by myself . It 's a little tricky to do by oneself . I enjoyed it out there in the sun , then as it moved into the trees , the dappled sunlight . Even though it was only about 74 degrees , it 's the warmest it 's been in a few weeks . The sun was hot and not much wind today . Finally . I read most of the day . " The Horse Whisperer " . What a story . After I finished the book I made some phone calls then went for a walk . At the end of the driveway I stopped : sometime during the day the road had been sprayed with something to keep the dust down . The road was dark , wet - looking . I hope it 's not toxic stuff . Then I hear something from the neighbors : they are fogging their yard with ( probably ) bug stuff . I hope those bugs don 't come over here . I talked to Daniel this evening . I miss him , and it was good to hear him . I painted more of the ceiling in the front room . I should be able to finish it the next time . What a nice difference . I wrote here , and I 'll be going to bed . Tomorrow I may paint more , and I need to go into Hale for a trash runPosted by Another beautiful day , thank you , God . I slept pretty good overall , waking only twice . This morning the sun was up over a quiet blue lake . I listened to the birds - - the chirping , the cedar waxwings ' fluff - fluff - fluff of their wingbeats as they chase the bugs outside the window , the big splash of the diving bird ( kingfisher ? ) that sounds like a large rock being thrown into the water . I put my glasses on and watched for a bit , dozed a little , then read some before getting out of bed . 0930 , Vonnie was up and on the dock in the sun with a book and coffee . She said the sun was quite warm , though the air was still cool . We breakfasted , and went on with our day . We enjoyed being out in the paddleboat ride , and after a light lunch we ended up moving another small pile of larger branches , cleaning up that area so that it can be mowed , and raking the side yard . Then we planted a coreopsis She packed up her things , we had another light dinner , had our good - bye hugs , and she was on her way , about 7 : 30 pm . It was a good visit . I cleaned up the kitchen , talked with Daniel a bit , and wrote here . It 's been windy here today with a cool breeze and warm sun , maybe 70 . The wind has changed directions at least three times already . Tomorrow the crew is coming to put in a new buried telephone line to replace the existing one that was hit by lightning . Thank you for reading . Hugs . Another beautiful day . Even though it was a bit windy , and sometimes cloudy , the temps got to 77 when the sun was out . But mostly it was cooler and low to mid 60 's with the clouds . The " weekenders " were out the first part of the day and the lake quieted in the afternoon . Kris and I went out for a 3 mile jog which was most enjoyable . You know , they say that you need to be able to talk while jogging / running , which was a good test for me , as I generally go out by myself . It was nice to have that one - on - one time . Thank you , Kris . After I cooled off and showered , Vonnie and I went in to Hale to pick up a few groceries . That 's when the car showed 77 degrees . We had the top down on the way back , and took the scenic route around the lake on memory lane , marveling at it all . We got our food prep done for dinner tonight . Vonnie and I had Jim , Polly , Jim , Kris , and Ariana for a Bring - your - own - meat - potluck dinner . We had pork steak , made macaroni salad , and I made biscuits for strawberries that we had prepared , and also another batch of yummy rhubarb sauce . Others had brought baked beans , cob corn , green beans , wild rice stuff , another grain type stuff , ribs , and chicken breast , potato salad , and probably a few more things . Jim Sr . ran the grill , cooking our meats to perfection . Thank you , Jim . After dinner , we girls cleaned up the kitchen . Jim , Kris , and Ariana left to go back home to Midland , and Jim and Polly stayed and visited . They left just before 10 . The lake has quieted down nicely . Vonnie and I sat out on the front deck for a short bit , watching the bats swooping around . The mosquitoes were out , too , and after what felt like a bat picked one off of my hooded - sweatshirt - covered head , I decided it was time for me to go in . We brought the cushions in and finished up our evening . Not sure what we 're doing tomorrow , other than " liking it " . Thank you for reading . Hugs . Another lovely day ! ! I went to bed and slept pretty good , until the lightning seemed more frequent . I kept waiting for it to blow and thunder and rain , ( so I could get up and close the windows ) but it only did a heavy sprinkle for a short time , and what little breeze did move through settled back down to a mirror lake . And I was uncomfortably warm . Then slightly cool , then warm again . Even with the ceiling fan on it felt stuffy or something . I was awake from 3 til about 5 , dozing again until I got up around 8 : 30 or so . I washed up , had breakfast , read some , putzed some . The temperature was already at 70 at 10 o ' clock . About noon I went out and uncovered the boat , getting ready for the day . I walked down to the Goodwin Cottage to see how their day was going and when they 'd like to go out in the boat . Turns out they were just finishing lunch dishes and thought that boating would be a good thing to do . As it was , we were out on the water about 2 pm . There were others out , too - - wakeboarding , tubing , jet skiing , pontooning , speedboating , sailiing - - and the wind was variable , sometimes blowing up whitecaps . We had a good time , Jim III waterskied , Kris tubed , then Jim and Ariana got on the tube . She 's just 2 1 / 2 , but I went very slow and near as I could to shore ( 100 feet ) where it wasn 't quite so rough , and she ended up falling asleep . Funny thing was that she woke when we stopped at the dock . And was smiling . We went up on the deck , and my company arrived at that time . My good friend Vonnie is here for a few days with me . Hugs all around , we visited , the Goodwins walked on back , and we got Vonnie unloaded . We spent the rest of the evening talking , we fixed dinner and ate , washed up , and as it was nearly dark , we took the flashlights and went out for a walk . That was fun . We heard something rustling and finally found it on the way back . A young / baby skunk ! ! ! We girls laughed and quickly backed away and left the interrupted creature alone . We then went down to the water and spotted a crayfish , and looked around the perimeter oPosted by Today when I got up I saw that it was almost 10 . I slept somewhat better because I didn 't drink as much as I would have liked , therefore not getting up for " biological " breaks . After breakfast I read a bit , then went out for a jog . When I got back , I stopped at Mary 's house across the road to check on her . We visited for just a bit longer than I wanted to , but all we have is now , so I enjoyed it . She hadn 't taken more than the one dose of motrin last night , and wasn 't feeling too good . I encouraged her to take the motrin , and tylenol , if she wanted to , around the clock , for comfort and healing . She said she was going into Hale and declined my offer to go with her . I went in and showered . That felt good . Then I was hungry again , so I had a snack , knowing that dinner wasn 't too far away . I putzed around outside , sweeping and such , then walked down to the Goodwin Cottage . On the way there , one of the neighbors " down the line " hailed me . She looked at me , and after just a brief exchange , she said , " You 're . . . . Kathy . . . . . Goodwin " I was amazed . Yes , I am , I responded . She said she was Jan Hill , and introduced me to her husband Jim . Wow . I didn 't recognize her , and I 'm not sure I even knew who she was way - back - when . You know , in the Old Century . When I was an elementary school kid . But she knew me . And Daniel , and his siblings . We chit chatted for a bit before I went on my way . Tom had already left for home ; I was disappointed that I missed him . But , thank you , anyway , Tom , for helping with the boat yesterday . I visited with Polly and Jim a bit before going back . I fixed my food and ate , then went over to check on Mary again . She said she was feeling much better after meds and a nap . I encouraged her to continue the meds for the next few days . We visited a bit before I went on back to the GC , as Jim III , Kris , and Ariana had arrived . I visited with them until their dinner was almost ready , then left for my place . I decided to paint more on the ceiling , and had gotten a good piece done , when the phone rang . Come on down for a fiPosted by What a day ! I watched the sunrise in a clear sky reflected in the mirror of the lake . Beautiful . I dozed and finally woke for the day just after 10 . At that time the temperature was mid 60 's , the warmest it 's been here in the last few weeks . I had just finished breakfast and was enjoying a second cup of coffee and a library book when Tom called to offer his help putting the speedboat in the water . Cool . I went out and tried the second boat cover that Overton 's has sent . Unfortunately , it 's the same misfit . I was just rolling it back up to send back when Tom pulled in with the van . We went over to the neighbor 's , who has graciously given me permission to use their boat lift . I took an outdoor power cord ( it 's an electric lift ) and we hooked it up and lowered the bunkers so that we can put the boat on it when we get back . First stop , gas station . $ 35 . 00 to fill the tank . Next , to the boat launch , where we had to wait our turn . We were 3rd in line , but it went quickly . As Tom backed the boat down , I was a bit anxious . I haven 't done this since 2001 . I 'm glad I had the mechanic go over it so I know it runs good . Ok . The back end is in the water , I climb into the boat . Hm . Blower on , Tom 's backing down further , and I 'm floating . I turn the key , and blub , blub , the engine fires up and all is well . It takes me a few minutes to re - acclimate , but it comes back to me , and I 'm maneuvering the vessel out into the lake . Ooohhhh yeah . This is good . I wave to Tom and he takes off . I putzed slowly to let the engine warm up . And when it finally did , zoom , I 'm off . Oooohhhh yeah . I 'm liking this . Fast , then slow , then fast again . I go back to " our end " of the lake - - I see that the van is back so I toot the horn to let him know I 'm out front . I pull onto the lift . Unfortunately , it is not in deep enough water for my boat to get all the way onto it . Tom and I tried a couple different ideas , but it wasn 't going to work . So . We 'll need to put in the screw in poles in the water to hook the boat to at the Jacque dock . We dropped the boat trailePosted by I slept at intervals . I kept hydrated yesterday while we were so busy , and as a result , I was up every couple of hours . The longest interval was between 0530 and 0830 . I 'm still having hot flashes , though not quite as strong as during the previous year . I still awaken with the " sense " of something , then I 'm warm , so I usually just get out of bed . I think I am able to return to sleep most of the time . I got up and started getting things together to go to the lake . Daniel had said that the UPS guy usually comes between 9 and 10 , and UPS tracking shows that the second boat cover will be delivered today . I had breakfast , showered , packed , carried things downstairs . The mailman came and rang the doorbell - - he brought a printer that Daniel had ordered for us for the lake . ( It was actually more cost effective to buy another printer than to buy replacement ink cartridges . Go figure . ) Then the Fed Ex guy came and delivered something for Dan . It 's well after 10 o ' clock , and no UPS truck . I 'm mostly ready to leave now , other than the cooler and a few dry foods . I watered all the plants , made a batch of hummingbird food . Hm . Hey - - I 'll spend the time playing with my new piano ! I enjoyed going through some of my music and playing . I was surprised that my right hand was so unaccustomed to opening / stretching to reach an octave . It won 't take too much practice , though , and I was able to pick at some of the easier pieces . I did better when I didn 't try to think about it so much , just let the brain do it 's thing . I played for about an hour , and when I was done it was just after 3 . Still no truck . I checked the tracking again - - still shows that it 's to be delivered today . Breathe . I decided to make a sandwich to eat on the road . And just as I finished , here comes the truck . Finally . By the time I packed the cooler and foods , carried them downstairs , loaded the car , Daniel called and said he 'd be home in about 20 minutes . Shoot , might as well wait and get my hugs . I did , and I ended up actually leaving home around 5 pm . I took my time traveliPosted by Up and at ' em and off to work . An uneventful drive , thank you God , and I rode over to the hospital in the shuttle . We had an amazingly busy day , and as a team and with each of us " doing what needs to be done " we got through the day . Very busy . It was finally 6 : 55 . I clocked out shortly after 7 . I am officially on vacation until my next scheduled day , July 22 . Yippee ! ! I really tired , though , tonight . I got home and Daniel was talkative . We had a nice visit , catching up on each other 's days . Tomorrow I 'll finish up packing , loading , and cleaning so I can get to the lake . I 'm off to bed . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I got up and got ready for work . Daniel did too , but he said he still felt tired . I wonder about him . . . I made it to work safely , thank you God , and I was especially thankful as I heard several stories about deer / vehicle collisions that were either near - misses or fatalities . We had a good day , with a good group of co - workers . I can even say enjoyable . It 's long , though , and after 12 1 / 2 hours I was ready to go home . Another safe drive , thank You again . Daniel was subbing in a golf league , so he wasn 't home when I got there . I had mostly gotten my work things turned around for tomorrow when he got back . I was looking for a copy of my resume ; I couldn 't find either the hard copy or the saved file . So instead of going to bed earlier than midnight , I wrote up a basic resume . ( I 've been invited to teach at Career Quest Learning Centers , for their Certified Nurse Aide program , and need to submit a resume ) . I 'm pretty tired , but I got it done with the very strong probability that I 'll be editing it when I look at it again . Tomorrow is my last workday until July 22 . WooHoo ! ! ! ! Look out vacation , here I come . I 've got plenty on my list , and I hope that " nothing " is on there a couple of times too . Anyone coming to The Lake ? ? I look forward to hearing from you . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I knew that Daniel got up for work , but didn 't hear him leave . I woke wondering why the hall light was on - - it 's on a sensor when the door opens - - and it turned off as I was thinking about it . The door alarm / chime must have woke me . Anyway , it was almost 6 o ' clock . Of course I went back to sleep . And when I looked at the clock again it was just after 10 . I was surprised . I got up and thought about my day , making a list to keep me on track . First thing , breakfast . I looked at stuff on the computer while waiting for breakfast to settle , then went out for a jog . I showered after cooling off , and boy was I sleepy again . I closed my eyes for a few minutes . Since it was 3 : 30 , I called Daniel to see when he would be able to leave , and what he 'd like to do for dinner . He suggested Los Tres Amigos . Ok , so I won 't cook . . . . I went instead over to the library , then the pharmacy . Books and drugs for vacation . Just as I was getting back , he called saying he was home and ready to go eat . I picked him up and off we went . After dinner we grocery shopped . At home we put things away , I went out on the balcony and trimmed and watered / fed the flowers . I 've done a couple loads of laundry this evening , as well as listed the Sebring on craigslist . I 've not done anything with craigslist before , but the girls at work seem to think it 's the way to sell or buy . Dan has gone off to bed , and I 'm going soon . We both work tomorrow . My arm feels full , as well as everything else in that left upper quadrant of my body . Other than being tired today , I feel pretty good overall . I think the Arimidex is a much nicer drug for this body , at least so far . Thank you for reading . Hugs . It was nice to not get up at 0430 today . I woke around 0530 for biologic purposes then went back to bed . I expected Daniel would be home around 8 ; he didn 't get in until almost 9 . I got up shortly after with sinus pressure . Ick . I took a claritin , then tylenol / motrin . I did a load of laundry , had breakfast , paid bills . I was just finishing that when Dan got up ( it was about noon ) . We visited some , then it was my turn to get ready for work . An uneventful drive down , thank you God . I walked across to the hospital . We had a nice afternoon / evening with a good group of co - workers . And after an 8 hour shift that felt like 12 , it was time to go . I walked back over to the car and reach for the key . Uh oh . Where is it ? You know , I don 't remember having it this morning . . . I looked inside the car . Yup . There it is , right in the ignition . With the doors locked . Hm . When Daniel went to sleep this morning he turned off his phone , and I know he 's asleep now . I wonder if he turned it on this afternoon . I called . It rang then went to voice mail . I called again . He answered . Whew . " Baby , guess what I did , " I told him . I don 't think I 've ever done that before . When I told him , he wasn 't upset at all . He got the other key fob and put it to his cell phone . I held my phone down be the car . Nope , didn 't work . I have co - workers that have done that successfully , so I know that it really does work . Hm . He said , " I have to get dressed ; I 'll be right down . " Thank you , Dan . I went back over to the hospital and into the cafeteria and had my supper that I didn 't have the opportunity to enjoy earlier . I had just finished when he called and said he was here . He unlocked the car and handed me the key and we came home . Daniel had hit a skunk on the way down ; boy does the car smell . He went right to bed . I wrote here . I 'll be going to bed soon . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I was pleasantly surprised when the radio came on this morning that I felt almost rested . I was a little slow getting ready , especially when Daniel is up and getting ready , too . I had an uneventful drive down , thank you God , in the G6 . So different than the van . I parked and walked across the road . We had a fairly good day with a good group of co - workers . My phone rang about 9 this morning - - it was the service technician for the internet service . He needed to get inside and wondered if anyone was there . I got his phone number , called Jim who said he 'd go over to the Jacque Cabin , and called Bob back . After several phone calls back and forth to keep me updated , it was determined that the telephone line had been struck by lightening some time after the phone was gone and there was no dial tone . Equipment was checked , a " temporary drop " was installed , and wa - la ! internet service . Some time ( next week ? ) the crew will be out to run a new underground service . Big thanks to Jim for participating in that . I finally got to leave after a long shift . Daniel was already home when I got there close to 8pm . He had been trying to rest before going in for the midnight shift tonight . I don 't think he rested much . We visited a bit before he left for work . I had a snack and wrote here . Tomorrow I work second shift , 2 : 30 - 11 pm . The good part is that I can sleep in the morning . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I watched the quiet sunrise this morning in what looked to be a partly cloudy sky . It was very pretty , and I dozed back off to the sounds of the birds , and was surprised that it was 10 : 00 when I woke up . As I got up and moving around , I was picking up and putting away and generally getting things turned around to go home . I finally had breakfast about 11 : 30 . Just as I was sitting down to eat , Jim and Polly came in . We visited a while , they left , and I finished getting ready to go home . I called Overton 's about the ill - fitting boat cover , and they are going to exchange it . I rolled it back up as best I could . When I ordered the internet service , the lady told me that it would be on after 5pm on the service day . I did all my cleaning and packing to leave , and at 5 : 05 , no service . Hm . I called customer service and asked about it . " 5 : 00 Central Time , " he said . Ugh . So I putzed around for another 45 minutes . 6 o ' clock , 6 : 05 . No service . I called again . Of course , I was on hold , in the que , and when I finally spoke with someone , he had to start from the very beginning , with the service address , billing address , etc . He checked the modem ( from Texas ! ) and declared it functional , but something is not physically correct with the line into the house . ( I don 't think the technician ever came out like the very first lady told me he would . ) So he put in another work order , and supposedly the person will be out tomorrow . That 's all good and well ; I won 't be there . Evidently they call if they need to get into the building to check the service . Needless to say , I was very disappointed , and frustrated , too . I was ready to leave before 5 and wanted to get home . I finally got into the van at 6 : 40 pm and headed south . I had a good drive home , thank you God , although the folks northbound on I - 75 were backed up stop - and - go from Bay City to Saginaw , about 10 miles . It 's good to see that with our economy the way it is that people are still going " up north " on a holiday weekend . I finally got home about 9 : 40 . I unloaded the van and put it at thePosted by I think I 'm doing better with the Arimidex than the Tamoxifen . I feel like I 'm actually resting when I sleep , even though it 's interrupted . And I don 't feel like I 'm buried , looking for the surface all the time . That 's a good thing . Today was slightly breezy at times alternating with the mirror of the lake . It 's so beautiful . I enjoyed watching the loons , the ducks , the blue heron , the hummingbird , purple martins ? and the eagle for a great part of the morning . Soooo restful to my soul . There is no way I can thank God enough . On the way to pacing myself , I took it easy the first part of the day . I went into Hale and sat in the Senior Center parking lot and connected to the internet , picking through email and posting the last few days of blog entries after stopping at the " transfer station " to drop off the trash . I was getting hungry , but on the way home I had a strong telephone signal , so pulled into a parking lot and made a phone call . Geesh . I had a nice lunch back at the cabin . It looked like the high clouds were breaking up . The jet skis and other boaters came out onto the lake . The temperature was up to a whopping 62 degrees . I have to say I , too , went outdoors , trimming and feeding the plants , sweeping the deck , etc . I looked at that boat cover again - it 's not going to work . Daniel called and we visited a bit . I had a couple of other phone calls , too , one of them being Polly inviting me down for supper . Cool . I was going to go out for a paddleboat ride , but the hard things I 've been stepping on in the carpet were calling for attention . I got scissors and started cutting the shag carpet of the debris . I don 't know what it is ( maybe something really gross that has hardened ) , but I ended up with 2 good sized piles of fuzz . And I found another small gold fish hook imbedded in the carpet . It 's a wonder I haven 't found it before . I have found a couple other of those fish hooks . Scary . 6 o ' clock . I got my bicycle out of the garage and rode down to the Goodwin Cottage , where Jim had preparePosted by I slept pretty good overall , but woke with a slight headache . Probably a response to all that dirt I kicked up yesterday . I had breakfast and brew and lotsa water . I took it easy this morning , enjoying my library book while waiting a little before going out for a jog . Temps almost 60 , light wind , and overcast today . I had a good jog and a shower after . Lunch . Now I have to go out to the garage and get the second coat of wax on that speedboat . I wasn 't very perky out there in the garage . I came in and took Tylenol / motrin for neck pain that felt like it could lead to a migraine ( which I haven 't had since stopping birth control pills in November 2007 ) . I went back out and took my time . I got it done . I sure looks nice . Then I put on the new cover I got from Overton 's . It 's supposed to be sized for this boat , but it just doesn 't fit right . After walking around it and tugging on it several times , I decided to close up shop for the evening . That put away , I came in and talked with Daniel on the phone . He 's had a busy day again at work . I had a snack , read a little more , and wrote here . I 'm thinking I could be painting , but I 'm thinking that pacing myself is a better thing to do . I can paint some tomorrow . And maybe get someone to help me put the boat in the water . We 'll see . That 's all for now . Thank you for reading . Hugs . Quiet and overcast with a hint of clearing skies when I woke at 7 : 30 after my usual interrupted sleep . I thought about getting up . When I looked at the clock again it was 9 : 30 . Guess I wasn 't ready earlier . It 's been low to mid 60 's today with intermittent light rain showers interspersed with peeks of sunshine . Not too bad , really . My shoulder , well , the whole upper left quadrant , is uncomfortable . Tylenol and motrin help . I had a productive day . I went out for a walk , and when I came back in it started to rain . In fact , it rained on and off all day today . I ended up deep cleaning the front room and started painting the ceiling in there . It 's just dry USB board , so it soaks up the Kilz stuff I 'm putting on . But it 's a start . And smells so much better already . Not sure what tomorrow may bring . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I slept last night , but sure wasn 't ready to get up at 0430 . I felt like my brain was being pulled from it 's vacuum - packaging . Ugh . After a few deep breaths and attempts at consciousness , I made it . Daniel was still sleeping , sounding like he was still in the vacuum . He surfaced about 2 minutes before his alarm came on . I left and had a safe drive down , thank you God . The hospital was either busy or understaffed on the other floors , as 3 staff from our floor had to " float " out . Not a popular option . Our floor was nicely manageable , and after our discharges we had to staff down another one of us in my job role . No such luck - another one of us had to " go out " and cover the other unit 's lunches . Since I had gone not too long ago , the other girl went , saying that if she got sent back I could go home . Very generous of her . 3 of our girls were released from the other areas about 2 : 30 . We shifted our staffing around , they changed into hospital scrubs ( the other units are considered " dirty " and we are a " clean " unit ) , reported off , and those of us who were leaving , did . I clocked out 3 pm . Whew . I got home and started turning things around to go up north . Changed clothes , went to the library to return and pick up materials . Back home , I loaded my bicycle into the van . I got the other items on my list collected , all but the food . I had plenty of time for a nap . I rested for about a half hour , enough to feel somewhat refreshed . I made my sandwich to eat on the road , along with an apple and a few chips and packed the cooler and dry foods . Loaded up , on my way . First stop , Meijer , to pay the bill . The person at the service desk listened to why the card number was not active , clicked around on the computer screen , and " no problem " . Cool . Thank you . I had an uneventful drive , stopping when I wanted , lingering if I felt like it , arriving at the Jacque Cabin about 11 : 30 pm . I saw one deer go across the road , and a couple other on the side , and several in the fields . Thank you God for keeping me safe . All was Posted by |
I don 't know why , but I thought going to the cemetery would be . . . I don 't know , therapeutic ? Give me some closure ? I haven 't been there since well before I got married . Maybe staring at the headstones would make me feel better ? Make me feel close to them ? Make me feel like I 'm with them ? I got in the car , waited for the cars to pass , moving slowly so as to not slide on the slush . It was sunny today , so some of the snow was beginning to melt . Cars were going slightly slower . I followed them . I had to go around the block because of the way the car was parked , so the drive was taking longer than anticipated . I was alone . I drove mindlessly , barely listening to the Christmas music that blared " The Most Wonderful Time of the Year . " My mind wasn 't really on Christmas . Just family . As I drove , my thinking relying more on my emotions , thinking about how I miss them , my rational side kicked in ; the Bill Parrish part of me , I call it . My mind suddenly stopped thinking , " Maybe I 'll feel better seeing their headstones . " Instead it thought , " Will going to the cemetery really make you feel any better ? " I realized it wouldn 't , not really . It would just make it worse . Why are we sad when people die ? Physically , they are here . The bodies are here . But the spirit is not . The personality is not . The souls that we connect with , the hearts that we grow to love , the spirits that we are knit together with . . . they are not there , and that is what we miss . That is what we long for . Humans are so interesting . Humans are conflicting . We say one thing , and mean the next . We want one thing , then we want the next thing . We want evidence . We want proof . We want to see . We want that soul with us . We want to see them , touch them , hear them , smell them , experience life with them by our side . We want them here , holding our hands , wiping our tears , kissing our cheeks , squeezing us in their embrace . And when the spirit leaves , there is only the body . And therefore , the soul is temporarily parted . The body is here , the spirit is there , and the soul is waiting . I don 't know how it all works , but when I think of those who pass on , I wonder if those spirits watch over us ; that spirits of loved ones who pass through into another life watch us , perhaps like watching through another dimension that we are unable to see with our mortal eyes . I wouldn 't be surprised if they walk besides us sometimes . Maybe not all the time , but when they can . I wonder if they watch us during our hardest moments , and our happiest moments . I wonder if they miss us . I wonder if it 's harder for them than it is for us . I wonder if they see us , wanting to comfort us , wanting to tell us , " Hey , it 's ok ! Really , if you could just see and understand what I see and understand , you wouldn 't be so sad . You wouldn 't be so hurt . " I wonder if they cry when we cry , yearn to hold us in their arms , and hurt even more when they realize that because of the separation , we can 't feel them . I wonder if it hurts for them to realize that due to mortality , we can 't feel them , knowing full well that we only can comprehend and understand such physical contact . I wonder . . . I can 't see them today . Or tomorrow . Or for however long . But I know they were ready , some of the readiest people that I know . They are just waiting to be reunited . " His soul sat up . It met me . Those kinds of souls always do - the best ones . The ones who rise up and say " I know who you are and I am ready . Not that I want to go , of course , but I will come . " Those souls are always light because more of them have been put out . " - The Book Thief Posted by The Good Life My Great Grandpa " Grape " is 99 years old . He has lived almost an entire century . And wow , a century is a long , long time . My Grandpa Grape is someone that I love and respect . I remember being really little , and my family going over to Grandpa Grape 's and Nonny 's house . I remember having sleepovers there when I just wanted Nonny - Grandpa - Jensen time . The thing about Nonny and Grandpa Grape is , they always made you feel like you were the favorite grandchild . ( I 'm pretty sure every single one of us feel like we are the favorite . ) Whenever I went over , Nonny made sure that she had a can of Dinty Moore stew for me to have for lunch , because she knew it was my favorite . That , and Minute Maid fruit punch . They had squirrels that lived in the trees of their yard , and they would take me out , peanuts in my little hands , and Grandpa would pick me up to place the peanuts along the gate for the squirrels to get later . Then , Grandpa Grape would take me out to have Grandpa Grape - Jensen time while Nonny did her business around the house . Grandpa would take me on a walk around the block , or the park down the street , or every once in a special while , miniature golfing . Years pass . Aging happens . Nonny fell down the stairs one day , and she was never the same . At first , it was just an infection . Eventually , it turned into dementia . Nonny and Grandpa Grape moved out of there home they have always lived in since they moved to Pocatello , and moved into a little apartment with no stairs . Nonny became worse , and had to be moved to the retirement home . Grandpa Grape lived with his daughter , my grandmother , Granna . For the next couple of years , everyday , without fail , the first thing Grandpa Grape would do in the morning would get himself ready for the day and drive down to be with Nonny , and there he would stay all day in his chair , to be with his love , while she laid in a bed . We would come and visit weekly , and there was never a time when my family would go that Grandpa was not there . Grandpa " Grape " is 99 years old . That 's almost a century of living . That 's three years without his love . When I go over to visit him , I like to ask him what his life was like . He still has a witty mind . I asked him what made him love Nonny . He smiled and said , " She was the prettiest girl in the dancing hall . " Grandpa Grape had to go the hospital last week . My husband and I went over to visit him with Granna and her husband , Bill Al . A young nurse came in to help him with some therapy . She was a sweet thing , asking him questions while they worked with his arms . She asked him about Nonny , referring to her as " his wife . " He smiled and told her briefly about their marriage , and that she passed away about three years ago . The nurse responded , " I just got engaged . Do you have any good advice for me ? " I think the rest of us in the room were slightly curious what he was going to say . I was at least . He was married a majority of his life . He gave up athletic scholarships to marry her . He and she went through the Great Depression together . They moved several times together . What was the secret . Just live a good life . A good life ? It struck into my heart , and for the rest of the day , and really the week , it was on my mind . What is a good life ? Perhaps the good life is simply to live and love and sacrifice . Perhaps living a good life is putting others ' needs before your own . We live in a world of defenses and offenses , a time of " If it doesn 't fit my needs , or satisfies my desires , it 's bad . " We live in a world of " Good Guy vs . Bad Guy . " But what if we stopped ? What if we changed ? What if we stopped worrying about ourselves and started being more concerned about others ? On a personal level ? What if instead of pointing fingers , we opened our arms ? What if we accepted ? I 'm not saying always agree . There is a huge difference between accepting someone and agreeing with someone . What if we sacrificed something we want for something better ? What if we sacrificed ourselves for someone else ? That may not mean your mortal life , but something of value , like time ? I think that it is in our spiritual nature to want to help others . If we were to look into the very depths of ourselves , and find the hidden treasure that is our gift for others , we would make a difference in the world . When we are honest with ourselves , understanding that not everything makes sense , and not everything may seem fair , but there is a purpose in life . That purpose is to live , and to do good . With everything that have been happening in the world , Paris , Kenya . . . it 's easy to be afraid . It 's easy to be hurt . It 's easy to think , " This isn 't fair . This isn 't right . " We change our profiles pictures to show the flag . We share Facebook posts of the various news . We try to show our support . Living the good life is living with love , compassion . Living the good life is to be the change you want to see in the world , especially during times like these . Being the good in this world is by starting small , and improving , not being stagnant . I vividly remember the looks on my " mission parents ' " faces . When I think about President 's tight hug , I remember how crushing it felt , him not wanting to let me go , not wanting to be the one to tell me that my parents and brothers were gone . I remember it took him a little while to say it , and how it crushed him , and his wife . I remember my companion and the Hermanas were also in the living room sitting on the floor in their pajamas , shocked , speechless , not knowing if they should say anything . I remember that the only light in the room was the bright light coming from the open kitchen . I remember saying , " Give me a minute , " and running into my room , falling on my knees at my bed , crying , saying " Why , God ? What did I do wrong ? " My companion came into my room , knelt beside me , and called me by my real name . Jensen , you didn 't do anything wrong . Everything after that is a blur to me . I have flashbulb memories , like how the next morning , the other two ASL sisters , one of which is my best friend , came to the mission home and hugged me so tight , I couldn 't breathe . I remember my mission " baby " ( who I trained ) bought my a pillow pet to have and to hold and to cuddle , because she didn 't know what else she could do . I remember seeing Ian at the airport , for the first time in 18 months . I remember sitting on the plane , and all the eyes that glanced at us , some of them knowing exactly who we were , some of them thinking that they knew . The woman sitting behind us asked , " Are you the missionaries who . . . " then started to cry and couldn 't finish . Some people looked at us from time to time all the way back to Pocatello . I remember landing . I remember my brother putting his arm around me . No words were needed . We stood up , arm around each other , and walked side by side off the plane . I remember seeing my extended family , all who were close . I remember seeing my bishop , my stake president . And tears . Overtime , I 've learned a truth . Seeing them when I got home is not the hardest thing I 've ever done in my life . Shutting the caskets is not the hardest thing I 've done in my life . Even burying them is not the hardest thing I 've done in my life . The hardest part isn 't necessarily that I don 't see them everyday . Even if they were still here , I probably wouldn 't . The hardest part is that I can 't see them here , and oh , how I want to see them . The hardest part is not knowing . Even if I could have a time frame , like Heavenly Father saying , " Hey Jens , I need them now , I have a work for them to do . But when you are 83 years old , your time will come and it will all be ok . " Even that would be better than not knowing . The hardest part is learning to accept things exactly as they are . The hardest part is still feeling even slightly out of place at family " get togethers . " The hardest part is dealing with the anxiety and nervous breakdowns , and retraining my brain to be happy . The hardest part . . . is subconscious mourning . Look how far you 've come . You 're still here , aren 't you ? You 're still breathing , aren 't you ? You 're still standing , aren 't you ? You 're still trying , aren 't you ? You conquer by being a mother , a father , a friend , a teacher . You conquer mourning by loving , accepting , trying . You conquer by standing along with someone , anyone . I 'm absolutely am not perfect . I hope this doesn 't come across that way . I have days when I am just plain mad , or sad , or lazy , or forgetful , or ignorant . Sometimes , I just need to write . I want to write , because I think words are beautiful . I want to write , because I want to create . I want to write , because maybe , just maybe , my thoughts can be powerful one day . I still think about Mom , Dad , Keegs and Liam everyday , but now , it 's not always as painful . They don 't control my thoughts . Their memories are there , and they are beautiful . I can say things like , " Oh , Keegan and Liam would LOVE the new Wellness Center , " and I won 't burst into tears . I am growing up . I am moving along everyday , and it is beautiful . I have a wonderful husband , and wonderful family and friends , and life is beautiful . And then , sometimes , all I have to do is something simple . Something as simple as playing the piano , and I remember those times when Dad would come stand next to me , studying my fingers hit the keys , perplexed at my ability to play the keys while staring at a piece of music . Sometimes , if he knew the song , he would try to sing along . The memory is so vivid , so alive , that sometimes , it 's almost like I can feel him . And it 's amazing how the smallest thing like that , something so simple , makes me tear up a little . Sometimes , even a lot . And no word can describe the feeling . I don 't want to write to say " Woe is me " or " Let 's look back on the past and remember how amazing they were . " I don 't want to continue writing about pain , because that just causes more pain and more hurt and more reminding . And I don 't want that . Nobody does . And so , I stopped . I stopped writing because I didn 't know what else to write about . What do you write about when you feel like you 've said it all , and nothing is really that different ? What do I say ? But maybe it 's ok to still write about the simple things . It 's ok to write about happy things . I don 't need to dwell on sadness . Yes , they are gone , and yes , sometimes , once in a while , I will still have a good cry and let it out . But , those are rare . I was on my dad 's shoulders . It was a cold night on Christmas Eve , back when Santa Claus was still real . We had just finished at Grandma 's house . ( For as long as I can remember , every Christmas Eve , Santa came to Grandma 's and left us something . It was there that we would also give our gifts to each other within the extended family . I always loved Christmas Eve . ) My dad chuckled , " Yes , you 're right ! It 's Rudolf ! That means we have to hurry so that you can go to bed ! We don 't want to be late for when Santa comes ! " I remember telling Ian to hurry up , and telling Mom and Dad to hurry to get us home ! ( Keegan and Liam didn 't exist yet . ) As soon as I got home , I got into my new Christmas pajamas , brushed my teeth , made sure that there were some cookies and milk for Santa , and hopped right in bed ! It took me some time , but eventually , the adrenaline wore off , and I drifted off to sleep . The next morning , we saw that Santa came ! There were presents for us to open , and music for us to listen to . I went and checked Santa 's plate . He had eaten all the cookies and drank all the milk . * * * A couple nights ago , we were parked in our car , waiting for Jake 's brother to come out of his apartment . We were going to go to the store . As we were waiting , I looked out the front window . There it was : a flashing red light from those high towers . I smiled a little . The memory broke through and I remembered that cold night on my dad 's strong shoulders . My husband looked at me and smiled . " Hey you , where are you right now ? " Now , he just knows . I smiled a little and simply said , " During Christmas , Dad used to tell me that those flashing lights was Rudolph . Back in the days of Santa Claus . " I was quiet for a little bit . My response surprised even me . " Well , of course I believe in Santa . Santa was my dad . " And then the tears came . This year , I 've been reading from the New Testament . I really wanted to focus my studies on the life and ministry of the Savior . I want to know who he was , not just as the Son of God , but what was his personality like ? Was he fun ? Serious ? Stern ? I think ( from my perspective ) that he was a little bit of everything . As I was reading , there was one particular story that stood out to me , and has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks . I refer to the account in Mark 9 , though it is told in the other 4 Gospels as well . Now , I don 't know exactly how this really played out . I don 't know how the father sounded , and I don 't know what he was thinking . But when he responds to the Savior , it hit me . In tears , he straightway said , " Lord , I believe ; help thou mine unbelief . " I know this story could have happened numerous ways . I 've heard of different interpretations , and seen different reenactments . When I read this story , though , the way that I saw it was this : I wonder if the father , after years of trying to protect his son , maybe feeling like he failed , maybe feeling like it was a punishment for something that he has done . . . I wonder if he was holding him close , tears streaming down his face , and begging , " LORD ! There are so many things that I believe ! I have struggled for years , and it has been so , so hard ! I 've wanted to give up , but I just can 't ! He is my child , my only child and I love him so much ! There are things that I may struggle with , but I don 't want to let faith go ! Lord , if I didn 't believe , I wouldn 't be here . So please , strengthen what I do know , and help me with what I don 't know . Help thou my unbelief ! " Why did the Savior say that to the father ? Why didn 't he just perform the miracle when the father asked ? I wonder , maybe , since he does know us better , he asked the father so that the father could come to terms with himself . Maybe the father was struggling with his testimony . Or maybe it was that he needed to really know for himself if he had the faith enough for the Savior to be able to perform this miracle , the last hope , this father desperately needed . Maybe it was a test . There are days that are happy and amazing . There are days when I am overflowing with gratitude for my Savior and for my Father in Heaven and for this amazing plan . I feel elated , as if I could fly , that one day that I will see my family again , and that we are still a family , and that our family will continue to grow , and it will be a joyous wonderful occasion . And then there are days that I am so heavy . I feel the heaviness of not having my own father or mother to guide me through things . There are days that even though I know and understand that I am not alone , there is still a part of me that feels isolated . I find myself missing them so much , that I just feel the need to have a day and allow the sadness to do its thing , then leave . And when those moments come , sometimes I wonder . . . " Am I ungrateful ? Am I losing faith ? I already know everything will be ok . . . so why do I feel this way ? " Then , there are stories like these ; stories of real people that experience anguish and sadness , even though they have faith . A story about a father 's love so strong , that he held on to the belief that one day , his son would be healed . A story about ( in my opinion ) a father who understood and knew that he was not perfect , and that he didn 't know everything that there was to know . . . But he did have the faith to know that Christ would help him with his doubts , or unbelief . There will still be triggers , like memories of believing in Santa Claus while being on Dad 's shoulders . And when those memories happen , I will cherish them . I 'll probably cry , because I just want those times back . I 'll remember to be grateful for those feelings . The feelings are a result of love . I 'll remember to be grateful for now , because I don 't need to worry about knowing everything now . I 'll remember to look forward , and not back . Way back then : ) The last hug I gave my Daddy before I entered the MTC . And I have . For the most part . But there are still triggers . Stupid blasted triggers . They like to hide and shoot at me from out of nowhere . Pretty normal though . It 's not even new anymore . Like this morning when I was triggered simply because of a phone call . Or it may be boredom , not doing anything for X amount of hours can put me over the age . Or maybe it 's just plain depression . That 's the only explanation that I can think of . It was a hard night . Work had not gone as well as planned , which is all part of life , I know . But man , sometimes people are just heartless . I don 't know why I did it . But I started typing him a message on his wall . Maybe I just needed to get things out of me , vent my frustrations . For whatever reason , I just wanted to talk to my brother . I wanted to talk to him about being married . I wanted to talk about work . I wanted to know what he 's been up to . Can he still play basketball in heaven ? Or date ? Or do gymnastics ? I just wanted to have a conversation , like we used to . How did you do it , Keegs ? I typed and typed . I typed until I couldn 't anymore . I told him everything I was feeling . I wrote it like a letter . I finished and stared . I know it 's been 18 months . I know it 's been a while . But when it 's you , it doesn 't matter how much time has passed . The feeling will sometimes last longer than desired . Sometimes , it kicks you in the gut . I wonder what it was like for Jesus 's disciples . What was it like when their best friend was gone ? Where could they turn to ? I 'm sure they were more than devastated . It had to have been scarring . . . I wonder what it was like even after he was gone . Did it still hurt , even though they knew where he was ? Was it still hard even though they knew that his purpose was done ? Was it hard knowing that his purpose of living was to die ? For them ? For all ? What was it like when the person who literally had ALL the answers was gone ? What was it like when they just wanted to talk to their friend , their leader , their brother , but he couldn 't physically speak to them ? How did they go on ? What was their secret ? Did they have gut - kicking moments ? Did they still grieve ? Did they still experience heartache ? I have a hard time believing that they didn 't have some moments like that . Maybe that 's just me though . But , they were still human , right ? Heroes , but human . So maybe he couldn 't read my post . I won 't lie and say that 's ok . But I know that someday . . . someday it will be . One day , we will talk face to face again . I 'm sure there will be lots to talk about by then . Posted by We stood at the top of the tower , overlooking the magnificent field that was once a battleground . There was a peaceful and even spiritual feeling for me as we pointed out different locations that momentous occasions happened in the history of America . The last time we were in Gettysburg , we were both fourteen years old . My mind pondered a lot about the history facts that we had relearned , thinking about the young men , both the Confederates as well as the Unions , who sacrificed their lives for what they all believed was right for America . ( I realized that it would be like my husband , my brother , my cousin who is now serving a mission , his younger brother , and my cousin 's fiance all going out to war , against our own states ! They were ridiculously young ! ) A few minutes passed , and we decided it was time to head off and see what else Gettysburg had in store for us . As I was about to turn around and go down the stairs , I saw a hawk fly by . Then , another . I allowed myself to watch them . I watched their wings , noting how wide they spread as they flew across the sky . I 've always wished that I could fly . Maybe that 's a " lame power , " but that 's all I 've ever wanted ; to be able to defy the law of gravity , be able to lift myself off the ground and explore the world , see what it has in store for me . I want to be above the world . For a moment , I was slightly jealous of those hawks . Then I realized something about the birds . They weren 't flapping their wings . Their wings were spread wide , allowing the breeze to move them along . Every once in a while , they would flap to stay on their course , but for the most part , the wind was moving them . They weren 't just flying ; they were soaring . But at this moment , my mind saw the wind from a different perspective . Perhaps , trials can get us to a destination . Instead of always pushing against it , and hiding from it , and staying mobile . . . they allow us to push forward . be sad , going out of my way to gather all the feelings and memories . It just happened . But , I 'll be fine . I know I will be . I that attitude made me feel awful . Thoughts of " Wow , Jens , your life is not hard . Toughen up ! " and " The world is full of people that have it will power to stop feeling so depressed . I laid there longer , facing the wall . Then , to my surprise , I heard the door open . I knew that I these tears coming from ? Darn memories ! ) He looked at me , and simply said , " I think we need to go out . " After I had calmed down , we left home . We decided to go to Even after months and months , the days still happen . The thoughts still come . No , not as often . But they still come . Perhaps , it 's just me . Perhaps , it 's how I handle things . But every time , the moment lives , and then it passes . Sometimes , they are fleeting , like a bird soaring . Sometimes , they drag me down , like a rock . Sometimes , a day is just a day . No abnormal happiness or abnormal sadness . Just a normal day . A New Normal Day . The Lord answers prayers , sometimes by sending miracles . But sometimes , He answers simply by listening . Sometimes , I just need a listener . Sometimes , I need an answer . He sends them when he knows that I really need it . Sometimes , he lets me live a little . I enjoy the new friendships that I have gained on the other side of the country . We are all in the same boat , and we talk and laugh together , and the moment is beautiful . Regardless of how he answers , I come to learn a little bit more each day how personally he knows me , and how personally he answers me . He doesn 't answer everyone the same way . Because we aren 't the same . We are unique and different and struggle differently . Therefore , he answers differently . He knows me because he personally loves me . of . It 's all taken care of . We just need to do our part . Me and Jacob . Mr . and Mrs . Hall ! Just married ! Logan Temple , 5 . 15 . 15 Happy Ever After Life is a glass , and there is water in that glass . We have all heard that phrase before . Sometimes , the glass is half empty , sometimes it 's half full , but nevertheless , it 's all the same . It 's a glass cup , and there is water , waiting to be consumed . I 've always been fascinated by people . We really are quite incredible . Being an English major , I 've kind of started thinking in terms of stories . All of us have a story . We all want a Happy Ever After . I 'm getting married in 9 days . It 's crazy when I think about it ! I was that girl on the mission that thought that I would never get married . It wasn 't my thing . Ya , it 's a nice thought , but things are too scary things in the world , and I just don 't want to deal with the drama . It 's too much . I was very wrong . I 'm getting married to an amazing guy , one who has been there for me for years , and especially this year . There are days that I 'm shocked that he still wants me around , that he still cares for me , because I 'm kind of a nut . He is strong for me when I 'm not myself , when I 'm depressed , when I 'm angry at the world , at the people around me , at the situation that we are in . I consider myself a realist , though people may think it 's pessimism . Maybe I 'm a little bit more on the pessimistic side nowadays . I live in fear a lot . It 's hard not to sometimes , when the biggest thing that I 've feared has already been realized ; when one minute , my life was perfect and normal and happy , and then literally the next minute , it was flipped upside down ; four people that I loved more than anything else on this planet were gone in an instant , and I didn 't even get to say goodbye . For me , it 's really hard not to live in fear . Fear takes over me , causing extreme anxiety attacks , causing the littlest things to push me over the edge . It eats at me , making me expect the worst sometimes . At times , it even gets me to a point where I am too afraid to try anything new , because what 's the point ? And this guy is the absolute opposite . He tries because to him , failure is not trying at all . He puts himself out there because why not ? " Life is short , so try things " is his philosophy . It was late , and we were hungry . We had an amazing date , walking around old town Pocatello , admiring the art and architecture that was on display that night , but we had forgotten about dinner . Trying to limit our eating out , we ran to WinCo to buy us some food . Driving down the road , we were discussing marriage ; what were our expectations , what were our goals , and lots of things . I mentioned , " You know , I think sometimes people are shocked , because they get married expecting it to be a fairy tale , and it 's not . " " Oh , really ? I 'd love to see that . People are still human , you know . Things still get hard . There aren 't any white horses or pretty princesses or magic spells . Bad things still happen . " I was trying to get my point across . His answer threw me in for a loop . " Let 's think about this , Jens . Life is a fairy tale . Let 's think about all the fairy tales that we know : Snow White : evil step - mother , both her biological parents die , she 's pretty much an orphan , and step - mother hates her and wants to kill her because she is jealous . She has to run away , and she lives with SEVEN MEN ! What a night mare ! And she still lived happily ever after , yes ? " " Sleeping Beauty : Gorgeous , and has to sleep for however long ( which sounds nice in my opinion ) . Prince has to cut through thorns and bristles , and kill a dragon before he can even get to her in the highest tower ! Trials , no ? " " And let 's not forget RAPUNZEL ! Locked in a tower for 18 years , no social experience whatsoever , creepy handsome guy comes along . A few frying pan smacks later , she has to go on an adventure to find out who she is . . . Then she finds out she 's a princess , gets married , and lived happily ever after ! You know I could go on and on ! " At this point , I couldn 't respond . I knew he was winning his argument . He smiled , and said , " You best believe in happily ever after , because that 's what I am shooting for . " Life is a glass , and there is water in that glass . Is it half empty ? Is it half full ? It 's up to you . I could focus on the emptiness of my life . My mom and my dad are gone . My two youngest brothers are gone . I won 't see them again in this life . Mom and Dad aren 't here to help plan my wedding with me . I won 't dance with Dad at my reception , or my Mom won 't be able to sit by my side . I struggle with many emotional and mental effects because of it , more than most people ever witness . I struggle with a lot of things . I struggle in school . I struggle to connect with people . Sometimes , I feel like an outsider . Or . . . I could focus on the fullness of my life . I have a great family and friend support system . We have each other for when we have bad days . I have an amazing fiance ' who has been there for me since day one and beyond , with an amazing family who have helped me in so many ways . My wonderful family and friends are helping us with wedding planning . Maybe Ian and I will dance at my reception . I can use my experience to help others . I am going to school and getting a degree in English . Maybe I 'll do something amazing with writing . I can be someone who opens her arms to anyone who needs it . High school . That 's a whole new world in it of itself . A new bizarre world where everything that you do or don 't do may be a pivotal choice in your life . Boys like girls , girls like boys . Dating becomes a new adventure . Friends can make or break you . If you 're like me , you were also exposed to many things that may have traumatized your young teenage mind . I was a sophomore in high school when I had my first " official " boyfriend . I was head over heels " in like " with him , and I felt that he felt the same way . We couldn 't actually go on dates , but we saw each other in school everyday . He held my hand . He kissed me in the parking lot . ( It was awful , by the way . ) We started " dating " on November 7 , 2007 . It was great , I thought . Then , he sent me a text message on December 5 , 2007 to tell me he didn 't want to date me anymore . ( I sure did know how to pick them . ) We didn 't even last a month . He played his cards well , I 'll give him that . He didn 't start dating my best friend until at least 3 weeks later . He made sure that there was at least a little bit of time for the blow to settle before asking her to be his new girlfriend as he sat next to me at the movie theatre . There was a group of us there . I thought it was just going to be us girls . I guess he couldn 't wait any longer . I was 3 weeks from becoming 16 . The following week or 2 were what I deemed to be the hardest 2 weeks of my life . Not only did my best friend start dating my ex , but she also became better best friend with another friend of mine . Soon , they didn 't want me around . My ex didn 't like me because they didn 't like me . They left me out of the loop . I felt that sides were being created . I did have one friend , thank goodness , but she was involved with clubs during lunch some days , and so I would be alone in the hallway . For me , being alone was the worst thing in the world . I was less outgoing then , and so I sat by myself . I hated going to school for those 2 weeks . On a day that was particularly hard , when I was by myself , I went across the street to the seminary building . I walked into the classroom that I was attending and I saw my seminary teacher . He was a good friend of my dad , and I had known him for a while . Maybe it was the look on my face , or maybe it was my countenance , but he could tell that something was up . We started talking . I vented , telling the whole story about the boy , the breakup , the betrayal , and now the loneliness that I felt . I talked about how I was just trying to do what was right . I complained about the hardships of high school , and how I couldn 't wait to get out and be done and move and yada . . . the list went on . This wise seminary teacher took a little while to let it all sink in . He didn 't say much at first ; nothing more than the " huh . . . mmm - mmm . . . okay . . . " I sat there , waiting . Waiting for him to tell me what to do , waiting for him to tell me that because I 've been through these " hard times " , I would be blessed . You know , something that would validate my concerns . I was shocked . I had a problem ? Are you serious ? I was being what I felt was persecuted and betrayed by other people , and I was the one with the problem ? ? But I could see he was being totally serious . So , I responded , " No . What is my problem ? " His answer changed my life . " The problem here is , you 're not trusting the Lord . " I don 't remember much about the rest of the conversation . I know that we talked about ways to trust the Lord and to have faith . But that one statement changed the way that I viewed my trials . And now , 7 years later , when things can be what I deem in my young adult life the hardest thing that I 've ever done , when there are days that I feel alone , days where I just want to talk to my dad face to face , days where I wish that Mom was here to help me plan a wedding , days where I miss Keegan 's happy - go - lucky personality , and days where I miss seeing Liam playing with his friends . . . sometimes it 's hard to trust . Sometimes , it 's really hard to believe that there is a purpose with their passing . Or , maybe not that it 's hard to believe in A PURPOSE . Rather , it 's hard to understand what THAT PURPOSE is . I think that 's what it really comes down to . I don 't think that we as people don 't believe in a purpose . We just want to know THE purpose . And yet , sometimes that 's the point . We just continue to move , to plan , to live . Because of the Atonement of Christ , we are able to do that . Take a moment . Think about the hardest thing you 've ever experienced . To know that the Savior went through that exact feeling ( which , if you really think about it , is amazing . Because since no two people are exactly alike , we all feel and experience differently . ) creates a remarkable connection between you and the most powerful being who ever walked upon the earth . A connection that can literally give you an ability to move not only forward , but also upward in your life , no matter how far along the path you may seem , no matter how unpopular you may be , no matter how ugly you feel . So . . . what happened after that dramatic 2 week fight ? Things did get better . Things did calm down . We became friends again , but it was never quite the same . We all got involved in different things because of that . Soon , I made more friends . Those friends are still some of my closest friends 7 years later . ( One of those friends is now my fiance ! ) Because of the influence of my friends , I decided to go on a mission . I served for a year . I 'm still alive today because of it . Did all of that happen because of one fight ? Probably not all of it , but it definitely influenced me in many ways . I look back now , and I realize . . . " Wow . I 'm so glad that happened . Because who knows where I would be now . " I had thought that it might be something good for me . Maybe it would help me with my grief . It would be therapeutic for me . An escape from the world that I felt swarmed by . This would be the pathway to a world where I could go into the innermost parts of my mind and heart , and really discern what I believe to be true . It would help me to discern what I was really feeling . I didn 't think that you , my reader , would read it and learn from it . I didn 't think that because of you , my reader , I would continue to write for as long as I did . I 've never been a Blogger . I didn 't know how it worked . But because of you , I felt the desire to keep going . Some of you , I know well . Some of you are family . Some of you are friends . Some of you were first hand witnesses of my hard days , and my good days . Some of you were there for me when I needed to cry . Some of you were there when I needed to vent , or scream , or throw martini glasses and old cheap porcelain plates . Some of you were there to give me a physical hug . Some of you took me in as your own . Some of you don 't know me , and I don 't know you . Some of you may be from far away places that is nowhere near this little town called Pocatello , Idaho . Some of you maybe heard about me on the news , or saw me in the LDS Living Magazine . Some of you , because of the goodness of your hearts , wanted to help out in some way , extend a hand for me to hold onto . They came in forms of cards , emails , Facebook messages , gifts even . They came in the forms of prayers and fasting . I do not know how else to say exactly how I feel . This year has been . . . well , A New Normal . Things nowadays are becoming . . . comfortable , to an extent . Things are as they are , and they can 't go back to the way it was . I thought that once I hit a year , I would be 100 % better . I would be healed , and move on . Such is not the case , not when you love someone ( let alone four people ) that much , with your whole heart . And maybe my trials are not deemed to be as " hard " as your trials , and maybe your trials are not deemed as " hard " as mine . Nevertheless , we go through hard things . Who defines hard , anyways ? Pain is pain , and hard is hard . We are children of a Father in Heaven . I really truly believe that . And I truly believe that these things that happen are for our good . If there 's anything that I learned for myself this year , is that hard things will happen . And we decide if it 's going to strengthen us , or weaken us . To you , my reader , I want to thank you for enduring . Thank you for not giving up , even when your life is down , and hard , and you lose someone you love . Thank you for still going on when you just want to crumble . Thank you for holding on to the hope that life will get better . I 've thought about it a lot . And I decided , yes , maybe I will . Maybe when I feel that there is something that needs to be shared . And hopefully , someone out there , will need it . I am grateful for this opportunity to share with you my testimony of our Savior , Jesus Christ , and his Atonement . That 's another thing that I 've learned . It 's the MOST IMPORTANT THING . If it wasn 't for that , none of this would matter . I invite all to come unto him . I would invite everyone who is seeking something in your life , go to him . I promise , he is there . If I were to go back . . . If I could go back in time , and see myself in different phases of my life , would I ? And if I did , which parts of my life would I visit ? If I could go back , maybe I 'd go to newborn baby me . I 'd want to see myself , connected to tubes and machines . I 'd want to see my lifeless body . I want to really know what it was like . I would want to approach 25 year old Dad , as he is worried , crying , praying and begging Heavenly Father to allow me to live . I 'd want to say , " Daddy , it 's me . I 'm 23 now , and I 'm alive . You taught me well . You taught me how a man should be . You taught me to be strong . Don 't worry , Daddy . I 'm gonna be ok . " I would approach 23 year old Mom , exhausted in the hospital bed , uncertain and afraid and traumatized of what had just happened . I 'd want to say , " Mom , it 's me . I 'm going to live . You are strong . So very strong . You 've set an example of how I should be as a mother and a wife . And so much more than that , you taught me how to be a friend , and a confidant . You taught me the importance of having a Christ - centered home . You have done so well . Don 't be scared , Mom . It 's all going to be ok . " If I could go back and see the Younger Me , I think I would go back to elementary days . I would see the happy go lucky me , and I would say , " Jensen , make sure you stay that way . The world need more happy people . " I would want to tell her , " Don 't be insecure about your hearing impairment , no matter what . You don 't know this now , but someday , you are going to serve a mission . You are going to learn Sign Language ! And it 's going to be hard , but you will be able to do it . When you get the prompting to go , don 't fight it . Go ! There will be people there that will change your life , and things you will learn and teach that you will have to hold on to when times become super tough . But you 're going to be able to do it . " If I could go back , I 'd go to middle school me . I 'd say , " Stop WORRYING about how you look ! I can assure you , nobody really cares , and no one is really eyeing you . Instead , focus on who you are ! This is critical . You NEED to know who you are , and more importantly , WHOSE you are . Yes , this is an awkward point in your life , but I promise , braces and glasses aren 't going to last forever . Just be happy with who you are . Don 't fall into the trap of negativity and depression . It 's not worth it . And it will affect you for a long time after . So please , just don 't do it . " If I could go back and visit the Younger Me , I would probably go to 15 - 16 year old me . I 'd approach myself as I 'm sitting alone in the hallway , and I 'd say , " Jensen , GOOD RIDDANCE ! Seriously , friends like that aren 't friends at all . What you did was right , and don 't think otherwise ! Next year , you are going to gain so many new friends , and these friends will remain your friends long after high school . You 're 23 now , and you 're still friends with most all of these new people you are going to meet . These friends are going to get you through so much , through the hardest trial of your life , and you need friends like that ; friends that helps you to remember the positive . Ya , this sucks right now . It does . 2 more weeks , and things will start looking up again . You just need to keep going . " If I could go back , I 'd also visit 17 - 18 year old me . I might say , " Focus on school . You 're so close to being done with high school and then you NEVER have to go back ! Don 't waste your breath on the uncertainty of what 's going to happen . I promise , things work out for you . It 's not easy , but it works out . That 's how life is , really . " Maybe I 'd go back to my college years in Rexburg , Idaho , at BYU - Idaho . I 'd watch how I was . I 'd see the friends I 've gained . I 'd smile , because slightly Younger Me doesn 't realize yet that these friends are still her best friends 2 - 3 years later . I would definitely go back to my mission . I 'd want to watch the transformation . I 'd see stressed out me in the MTC , in a silent room , with hands waving at me . When Younger Me starts to cry on the third day , I 'd say to her , " Don 't you dare quit ! Don 't you dare go back ! Don 't you dare go back to what you used to be . Your mission will literally save you ! You need to be here ! One day , you will get this language . I promise ! It 's not going to happen overnight , but it is going to happen ! " When I would come upon the days when Younger Me feels alone and small , I 'd say , " Don 't underestimate your work . You have to drink up everything that you learn here , because in just a few short months , you are going to need this . You will hold to it , cling to it . People here love you , and they will miss you when you are gone . " On February 26 , 27 , and 28 , I would be standing by her and her brother . I would watch her when she cries as they close her family 's caskets . I think I would be waiting for her for when she runs out of the room . I 'd make sure to be close for the viewing and the funeral . And then , on March 1 , I would come to her and say , " Jensen . This is going to be the hardest year you have ever experienced , even more so than your mission was . Because , this is part of your mission . But , look at yourself . Look at me . Next year , you will be engaged to that boy you love so much all those years , and you will be doing things that you never thought you would be able to do . You 'll be a speaker , a teacher , a friend , a confidant . You will do things because when things are hard , it 's better to just DO . Don 't give up . Don 't do nothing . Be something . Be someone . " When I look back on all of those experiences , I see the Lord 's hand from the get go . He was always there . He never left . He never would . He never will . Little Bit Longer The whistle was piercing as one of the boys accidentally pushed over other teammate in order to get the ball . Another foul shot . Of course , the crowd was not happy . Some fathers were standing and waving their arms , irritated and screaming down to the referee . Mothers were frustrated at the call , commenting to their friends or husbands . Highland against Madison high , and Madison was catching up . I was focused on the Highland basketball team . Those boys were growing up so fast . I recognized most of them . I recognized them because they have been in my home as elementary school boys , playing with Keegan . Keegan was not playing basketball . He was not out there hustling . Heck , he wasn 't even sitting on the bench , frustrated , planning on how he could be a better teammate and player . That was a gift of his . Even if he wasn 't the best , he worked harder than anyone else , because he truly believed that he could be the best . But no , he wasn 't there . Nor was Dad screaming at the ref . Nor was Mom talking to her friend . Nor was Liam sitting there with his game system . I forced myself to sit . I forced myself to watch . And it worked . . . for about 15 minutes . The more I stared out into the court , the more I realized the emptiness that I was witnessing . The more I stared , the more I recognized the gaping hole that was once again , searing wide open in my heart . I couldn 't take it anymore , so I left . I walked out of the gym , into the crowded hall , shimmied through students and parents ( thanks for the skinny genes , Mom , ) and out the side door . And I ran . Out by the drama department . Pass the drama department . Into the parking lot . Through the parking lot . Into the neighborhood next door . I kept running , and crying , which eventually turned into heaving sobs . Those still happen , you know , those heaving sobs . I ran until I couldn 't run anymore . I walked until I felt too exhausted . I sat on the curb . Stared at the stars . Orion was staring down at me . So was the Big and Little Dipper . So were all the other constellations that I don 't even know . So magnificent and so vast . There was only wind to answer me for a little while , making my tears become colder . I didn 't want to go back in yet . I didn 't know what the outcome would be . " I expect you to do this , because you are of me . I made you to be able to do hard things . Just a little bit longer . " Did everything become better after that ? No , not entirely . No , I did not go back to the game . Yes , I went for a very long eventful walk after that . And I still cried . But it really struck me . For though I need to be preparing for the future , I can only really do that by living in the present , savoring each day , and using it for the benefit of growth and learning . When things are hard , we want them to be done NOW . We want to be strong NOW . We want to come on top NOW . But instant gratification is not the Lord 's way of doing things . The strongest muscle has to be torn . The prettiest flower has to grow . The strongest testimony has to be tested . That 's why it 's called a TESTimony . Everyone is hurt in one way or another . And hurting is hard . And hurting can damage plans and ambitions . But it doesn 't have to control it . I hope that one day , I will have that happiness again ; that FULL happiness . And I know that I will . Gold Stars and Grey Dots One of my favorite children stories growing up was the book by Max Lucado , " You are Special . " ( For anyone who doesn 't know this story , I suggest you read it . This is a spoiler alert . So , if you would prefer to go read this story first , do it ! ) The synopsis of the story is this : There is a little wooden town with a bunch of little wooden people called Wimmicks . No Wimmick were the same , and they each had their own box of stickers . The stickers were either gold stars , or grey dots . Everyday , these Wimmicks would give out these stickers and stick them to each other . If a Wimmick was tall , beautiful , a good singer , an athlete , a performer , smart , or anything deemed as positive and / or desirable , that Wimmick would receive gold stars . On the other hand , those who may be small , too round , have scratched up wood , if they tripped , or if they made mistakes , would receive grey dots . No one wanted the grey dots . The main character of the story is a Wimmick named Punchinello . He is clumsy , he is unpopular , and he always ( unintentionally ) made mistakes . Pretty soon , he had received so many grey dots that he allowed those dots to become his identity . He was known as the grey dotted Wimmick who didn 't do anything right . Naturally , he began to believe it . Then one day , he meets a Wimmick name Lucinda , and she is unlike any other Wimmick he has ever met . What made her different ? She didn 't have any stickers . Neither gold stars or grey dots . And the craziest part of it was , it was because the stickers couldn 't stick to her . Of course , he becomes curious , and asks what it was that made that possible . She answered , " Everyday , I go up the hill and visit Eli . " Punchinello had no idea who Eli was , but he decides to go and visit him . The little puppet goes up the hill one day to Eli 's home , and he goes in . Eli knows him by name , and he is so excited to see him ! When Punchinello asks , " How do you know me ? " Eli response is , " I know you because I made you . " They talk for a little while , and Eli tells Punchinello the secret . He said , " The only way the stickers will stick is if you will let them . When you care about what everyone thinks about you , the stickers will stick on . The stickers will cease to stick once you decide that what I think is more important than what they think . And I think that you are special . " ( Summary of the actual dialogue . ) They have their conversation , and then Punchinello gets up to leave . As he is walking out the door , the master creator calls out , " Remember , you are special because I made you . And I don 't make mistakes . " The story ends with Punchinello thinking to himself , " I think that he really means it . " And when he does so , one of the grey dots fall off of him . Perspective is an interesting concept . Because human perspective , I believe , is never fully true . I 've done a lot of speculating this year , and I realized . . . I have a lot of stickers . I may have lots of gold stars : I 'm a blogger , I 'm well known , I 've written articles , I 've spoken at events , I 've been interviewed . I 've gotten a lot of positive feedback from people . Which is nice . . . But I also have a lot of grey dots , most of which comes from myself ; the feelings of sadness that I beat myself down about , or when I get frustrated that things are not going the way that I want it . Maybe it 's because I don 't feel that I deserve blessings , due to my lack of faith in one thing or another . A LOT of internal black dots . Sometimes , I feel absolutely covered . It 's suffocating . So many stickers . I don 't want grey dots . I don 't want gold stars . I just want to be clean . And that kind of cleanliness can and will only come when things are accepted . When I accept myself as I am , when I accept that what happened happened , and when I realize that other things are going to happen and that 's how life is . And it 's not because Heavenly Father doesn 't love me , or wants to push me to a limit . It 's because he is the ultimate strategist . It happens when the Atonement is accepted , fully and completely . Sometimes , that 's hard . Sometimes , it 's REALLY HARD to accept the Atonement . I don 't know why we do it to ourselves . Maybe we think we are better than that , or that we don 't deserve it . I think it 's mainly because we simply don 't understand it . Not in its entirety . And as people , it 's hard to accept things when it 's not fully understood . Again , that 's where faith comes in . Sometimes , I just need that little reminder that it 's ok to be broken . We have to be broken so that we can be fixed , and made into something greater . And that being broken does not mean that you are weak . It means that you 're human , and you hurt . And being hurt takes a lot of strength . Being hurt takes a lot of love . I can 't begin imagine the amount of love Christ had , being in Gethsemane , then the cross , to hurt as much as he did . I wonder if He ever felt like he had stickers . Stars or dots . But , then again , I don 't think so . He was perfect and clean . But at that moment in his life , he took on everybody else 's gold stars and grey dots . It must have been suffocating . Yet , he is the reason that the stickers can fall off . |
Hey ! So by now , you 've noticed that I didn 't update The Best Thing yesterday . I finished the last two chapters , but I 'm waiting for Cora to get back to me - I asked her to rip it apart and suggest any changes . She 's worked almost as hard as I have on this story , and I want the ending of the story to be as good as the first thirty - two chapters . I started graduate school about two weeks ago and I 'm taking a full load of classes . Two graduate level History reading seminars with about two hundred pages each a week reading , an undergrad Macroeconomics course I need for my Social Studies certification , and two online teacher education classes . I 'm also auditing an American history class to help me write my research paper next semester . I 'm getting tired just thinking about it , haha . Oh , yeah , and I 'm working three days a week 😛 This is exactly the adjustment period I had anticipated last fall had I started on time . I should be on a normal schedule and routine after this week . My Macro class is being graded completely on online tests and homework , and the teacher is useless so far , but I have to attend those classes . That looks like my best bet to get some writing done during the week . I 'm not thrilled with the header image , haha , and the pink hurts my head . But I 've been playing around some of the other editing . I 've made the story lists on pages like In Progress and the completed Alternate History and Universe pages . I plan to leave this layout up just through Valentine 's Day . Changing won 't be much of a problem . This layout is much easier to change . Hey ! So briefly , as you can see , CG has a new layout . We 've switched to two columns . I removed some of the sections , but you can find everything up in the primary navigation bar below the header . If there 's anything you want me to bring back , let me know , but I think this looks a lot less cluttered . The only thing I didn 't do was the header image , haha , which is why it looks like that . That 's my temporary one until I finish it . I should have that up by tonight or tomorrow , but I didn 't want to leave the site down . At the moment , Bittersweet has eight chapters that are with Cora , but obviously our priority has been to finish up The Best Thing . I myself have made some changes to the first eight chapters , I 'm waiting to hear her take on my first eight . I 've started writing the next part of the story . I hope to have Bittersweet midway through February , but I 'd rather push it to March and make sure that you guys get the best version of this story possible . Damaged is still scheduled to come back in March , but it depends on how the next few weeks ago . I 've started graduate school this week and it 's going to be another week or so before I 'm able to really get an idea of how much time that 's going to take between attending classes and doing the work . My plan is for you guys to have new content every week , but I may miss one or two here and there . When I constructed that schedule , I really didn 't think I 'd have bronchitis for the better part of December and January . Even now , it 's lingering and sucking my energy up . I hope you guys enjoy this turn in The Best Thing . Super excited for you guys to finally see the end of the story . I hope to have the ebook giveaway up before the end of the story , but I will definitely be posting the various outlines so you can see just how different this story turned out . But the way to the door was blocked . One burly man she 'd never seen before stood in front of the door while another stranger was helping Sonny stand and get into some clothing . It was on the tip of her tongue to protest - it had only been days since Sonny was shot - he shouldn 't be out of bed . A darker thought slid through her mind , poisoning her ability to react . If Sonny died , this would stop . It would go away . And maybe it would be for the best . " I 'm checking out of the hospital , and we 're going back to the penthouse , " Sonny said , finally addressing his wife . His dark eyes met hers and there was nothing there . No sign of man she 'd battled , loved , despised . He was empty . " Where are the boys ? " " Good , good . You should tell her to take them to New York for a few days , " he continued . He slid into a suit jacket , grimacing as he did so . " Let 's go . " Sonny nodded at the man who 'd helped him dress . " Make sure she gets there . Don 't make a scene . " There was no word from the guards at the house , no word from Jason . And asking wouldn 't change that . Jason had segmented security for this very reason . Elizabeth 's guards would always keep her as a number one priority , while Cam and Evie were someone else 's top concern . She wanted it that way . She wanted Denny and Lyle to only be thinking about the babies . Nadine hands were trembling as they lay in her lap . " You sound like you 've done this before . Is there some handbook I didn 't get ? " " Security is number one , " Elizabeth managed to force out , her eyes trained on the scenery outside her window . As soon as she could get into the house , she could find out what happened . She could make sure her babies were okay . She just had to wait . " We have two young children and a volatile situation on our hands . Jason and I have talked about security at length . " He 'd taken a bullet to the shoulder trying to keep Evie safe . Saving Jason 's family . Jason had a towel pressed to the wound , relieved nothing dangerous appeared to be hit . This time . The car stopped by the guard house , and a newer guard stepped out . He looked in the car , and got the code word from Johnny . The gates opened , and the car sped up the drive to the portico entrance . The tires squealed as Johnny braked . Doors were thrown open , Jason and Johnny got Lyle out of the car just as the dark sedan with everyone else screeched to a halt , Max nearly clipping the first car . There was a mad rush as everyone hurried inside , eager to be away from any eyes . They 'd taken a circuitous route from downtown Port Charles to be sure no one could follow them , and at some point the car with the kids had been separated from them briefly . The two minutes before the cars met up again as the approached the house were the longest of Jason 's life . And Elizabeth on the floor , embracing both of the children . When she saw him , she leapt up and ran to him . He swallowed her in his arms for just a moment - he couldn 't afford more than that . Until he 'd seen Tommy and Bernie , he hadn 't been sure they 'd arrived from the warehouse safely . He 'd known there were shots fired - but he couldn 't be sure , couldn 't let himself believe Elizabeth had survived it unscathed . Then he stepped back and leaned down to touch Cam 's face , to brush away the tears the toddler was sniffling . " You guys okay ? " he asked Elizabeth , then looking again at Cam and Evie . There were no marks , no signs of injury anywhere . " Looks like it , " Elizabeth managed . She picked Evie up , pressing her cheek to the top of the little girl 's dark hair , Cameron clinging to her black dress . She looked at Nora , then back at Jason . " What happened ? " He hesitated , looking back at the cluster of men , at Johnny Zacchara who was talking in low tones to Nadine across the room . He had to take a few moments to calm the children , to speak to Elizabeth . He also had to start making some sense of this disaster - he had to take action to fix it . " Tommy , I need you and Bernie to get a hold of the other guys . Make sure things are okay on their front . Lift the lockdown , everyone 's safe and they need to get back to business to keep everyone calm . " He rubbed his head , then looked at Max and Johnny . " Not that I don 't trust Frankie , but can you get our doctor out here to look at Lyle ? " To Nora , he asked , " Are you okay ? " " Denny , I need you to take Nora to her room and make sure she has anything she needs . " He picked Cameron up . " We 're taking the kids upstairs . " Cam and Evie were released , and they both took off - Evie crawling frantically after the toddling Cameron . " Nora 's hurt , " Elizabeth said softly . " But the kids don 't have a scratch on them . " Six . " Two for each guard , " she murmured , her blood chilling . Because Sonny knew their security . Jason had created similar protocols for Michael and Morgan . " And a seventh came in after the guards took on Denny and Lyle , " Jason continued , his eyes stark because he 'd made that connection , too . " Max and Johnny came then - because I 'd sent them to get the kids out sooner . They were trying to deal with the mess downstairs . " " I 'd had a voicemail from Courtney . She 'd seen men meeting with Sonny , going into his room . She was worried . She picked the boys up from the nanny and she took them to New York . " He sank onto the small sofa in the room , because he knew he 'd have to tell her how close it had come , how precarious the safety of the children really was . " But Monica called after I 'd picked up Johnny Zacchara . Sonny had checked himself out of the hospital , and she was concerned - men were with him she 'd never seen before and she didn 't like the way they were … escorting Carly into the elevator . " He clasped his hands between his knees and looked down at the carpet . " So we went to the house , and by that time - Lyle had taken a bullet to the shoulder , and Nora was unconscious on the floor . She 'd tried to keep that seventh man from taking Evie , but he 'd hit her . He was halfway down the stairs when I got there . " " Oh , God - " Elizabeth closed her eyes . If Courtney hadn 't put Jason on his guard , if Monica hadn 't tipped them off - Evie might be gone to them , taken by men with guns . What assurance did they have that these men who worked for another family would even deliver her safely to Sonny ? " I got her away , " Jason said simply , and she knew he 'd never tell her the rest . What he 'd had to do to guarantee Evie 's safety . " Max , Johnny , and Denny overpowered the men that were left . We tied them up , put Nora and the kids in the car and left . We left Cody to deal with the cleanup . " " Oh , God , " she repeated . She looked at the kids , to reassure herself that they were okay - Evie was climbing over a humongous pink and orange striped unicorn while Cameron had discovered the stack of blocks . " Oh , God . " " I can 't - " He stopped , and her head snapped back at him when she heard his voice falter , even break . " I can 't protect them . I can 't protect you . I thought I could , but - " " I would send you away if I could figure out a place Sonny wouldn 't think to look , " he continued . " I 'll get Bernie working on that . We need a place out of the country or far away from Port Charles where I know you 'll be safe . This house - it 's not in my name - but Sonny has to know we have a safe house . " And wasn 't that the real terror ? There was little Jason could do that Sonny wouldn 't figure out . They 'd worked together so closely - Sonny knew all of Jason 's tricks and secrets to keep people . He 'd taught Jason some , had put them to work for himself . " It 's in Jason Quartermaine 's name , " Jason finally said . " I 've legally changed my name , but I can still go by my birth name on documents dealing in property . I 've never used it before , Sonny might not think of it . " He rubbed his face . " But it 's not far away enough . Maybe somewhere in Europe , where Sonny doesn 't know the language . Germany . Poland . I can sign guardianship to you - " She hesitated , knowing how important it was to be brutally honest with him in this moment . " I can see now that part of me honestly believed whatever Sonny might try to hurt you or me , he wouldn 't go after the children , " she said quietly . " I still believed in his honor , in his innate kindness . But this illness - this disease that 's inside him - it 's taken every flaw Sonny ever possessed and amplified it . He doesn 't see Evie as her own person , as a sweet little baby with shy smiles and a curious nature . He doesn 't know her . She 's property to him . " " You should know there is a part of me that is tempted to tell you yes , " Elizabeth cut in . He looked at her then , his expression guarded , his mouth set in a tense line as if he were bracing himself for what was coming next . " Because it 's one thing to sign up for this on my own behalf . I love you , and I want the life we planned together . I 'm willing to take that chance for myself . But it is another to sign the kids up for this , to sign Cam up for this . " " But if I walk away now , " she interrupted . " If I give you back this ring … " She looked at her fingers where the gem rested . " What does that say about the promises I made ? There 's nothing happening that we haven 't talked about . I 've always known the danger involved here . I was there when Nikolas was shot for standing near you . I know what happened to Sonny 's first wife and child . We 've known for weeks that Sonny was going to do something against Evie . We 've done what we can to take protect them , and they 're safe . Look at them , Jason - " " And that 's terrifying , " Elizabeth admitted . " Because I don 't know if I trust the men Sonny hired to take care of her . And I know it easily could have been Cam he 'd taken in order to force you to surrender Evie . But I have to concentrate on what went right . Sonny doesn 't have our advantages - " " If Courtney hadn 't taken the time to call you , if Monica hadn 't alerted you , Evie would be gone now , " Elizabeth told him . " We have friends and family on our side . There 's no one Sonny has left . He had to hire men to help him , and God knows what he 's promised them or the man they really work for . He doesn 't have the loyalty you do . Lyle took a bullet for Nora and the kids . " " Next time , we don 't hesitate . We move the kids at the first sign of a threat . " She took both of his hands in hers . " I could take the kids and go to Germany . We could build a life there . And then I could be hit by a bus . One of us could get sick . There could be a car accident - " She swallowed . " It breaks my heart that Sonny has used everything he knows about you to go after the kids . That he 's exploiting the same security that protected his children . I know that 's not easy for you . " " It 's not - " Jason hesitated . " That was our rule . The code we lived by . Other men had no honor - they went after women and children , but not us . He 's taken everything he taught me and destroyed it . " " Well , that 's him . We 're choosing a different path . " Feeling a bit sturdier now , a bit more resolute , she rose to her feet . " We 're safe here for now . I 'll stay with the kids - you go downstairs and figure out what 's next . " " Cops are crawling over the warehouse , " Tommy reported when Jason entered the room , moving toward the desk . " The drive by was called in . Luckily , Francis got the message we left him and was on the scene . He 's at the PCPD , but we weren 't sure who to call for him . " Francis had gone to the warehouse because Elizabeth and Nadine 's presence had necessitated Tommy and Bernie evacuating with them . They never could have gone to the safe house with only Milo for protection . While at times their security protocols could feel byzantine and the men Francis trained in them often groaned - Jason was relieved . They had built contingencies into contingencies , and today - they 'd lost no lives . A bullet wound and a minor head injury - he could live with those . " Call Diane , " he said , referring to the attorney who handled his custody issues . He 'd noticed she had a penchant for designer clothes and shoes . " Tell her to draw up a retainer agreement and get Francis out of there . What about Cody ? " " Cody says things are clear at the house . What men we left alive have been picked up and moved elsewhere for questioning . So far , all we 've gotten from them is information we 'd already knew . They 're from Miami . They were to take Evie to Sonny , but we did find out - " Tommy hesitated and looked at Johnny O ' Brien . " Running smoothly . They hit the warehouse to slow you down , " Max said . " They had trailed you there , but apparently left before you did . They shot into your office and hit your house at the same time , I guess , figuring it wouldn 't be as heavily guarded . You had three men there , which slowed them down . " Because though Sonny had sent two men for every guard they had , he hadn 't known the change in the security protocol . One man upstairs who had time to be on guard . To lock Nora and the kids in the room , which slowed them down even more . A man outside , which meant only a few men entered - " We talked to your guys at the Harborview , " Bernie said , picking up the thread . " Sonny and Carly arrived - Carly hasn 't left the building . We contacted Courtney . They 've just arrived at her place and we 're sending her two guards . The boys are safe . Bobbie has been informed , but we don 't see any danger to her with the boys gone . Sonny is still at the penthouse , for now . " " Junior , " Johnny said , with his usual grimace , " has offered to broker a deal with Zacchara . Anthony hates the Ruiz family . He thinks Anthony will leap at the chance to take on Ruiz and Sonny , and Junior plans to make sure his daddy knows you saved his ass . " He hadn 't though - Johnny Zacchara had rescued himself . They were just giving him safe passage out of town , but he supposed not telling Sonny much information about Nadine Crowell had allowed Johnny some security . If he wanted to play up Jason 's actions to his father as something a bit more heroic , it could only help them . " I 'll go to Crimson Pointe and meet with Anthony and Trevor , " Jason said . " Tommy , Bernie , I want you to work out of this office . The warehouse is going to be off limits , and I don 't want too many people coming and going from here . Lyle and Milo are staying here with Elizabeth and the kids . Nadine can come with us if Junior wants , but I 'll suggest she stays here . Get Francis to send us one or two more guys . " He looked at Max and Johnny . " I need you guy to get Diane on board and get Francis back to his guys . Get the warehouse secured , relieve Cody . I want him here with Elizabeth and the kids . I don 't want the kids have too many new faces . " He looked down for a moment , the events of the last few hours began to sink in . " Jason , the men were loyal to you before , " Bernie said gently , " but after this ? After Sonny went after the kids ? There 's not a man in this organization who wouldn 't lay their lives down to protect your family . " " I don 't want them to have to , but I appreciate it . " He rubbed his eyebrow lightly . " I need to tell Elizabeth I 'm leaving . I - I won 't be back here until it 's resolved . I don 't think anyone trailed us here , but if I come and go - " She sank onto the bed , the black stark against the beige comforter . Had she only buried her grandmother that morning ? Had things changed so much just in a day ? " I fed them and we cuddled a bit on the sofa , " Elizabeth said . " They were both overdue for naps and conked out . " She raised the monitor in her hand . " I just wanted to change , but - " Jason nodded and moved to the bureau . " I asked Max 's wife to do some shopping for you and the kids . I thought we might have to come here in a hurry , but - " He hesitated , then looked at her . " I should have told you it was a possibility , let you put some things here - " Relieved , she crossed to him and tugged out a pair of sweat pants and a t - shirt . " Remind me to send her a very large Christmas present this year . " Elizabeth hesitated then . " You have to go , don 't you ? " " There 's a lot of things to be done , " she cut in . She returned to the bed . " Can you talk to Steven and Emily ? I don 't want them to worry . " " I will . " He paused . " I 'm going to Anthony Zacchara to get his help . And then I 'll be going back to Port Charles . But not here . I don 't want anyone to know you guys are here . The guards aren 't going to come and go , except Cody will be coming soon . The place is stocked with food . I tried to put some sort of studio in for you , but - " " It 's safer if you don 't come back , I know . " But God , what if he didn 't come home ? He was going to take on Sonny , and Sonny no longer cared enough to hold back . " Jason , I - " " I don 't know what 's going to happen . " He leaned against the bureau . " I 've made arrangements with Max and Johnny . I 've talked to Diane . If anything happens to me - " So Elizabeth said nothing as Jason continued after a momentary pause , " I 've left a will . Any property I have is to be dissolved unless you want to keep it . I divided everything in three . Cam and Evie have a trust , you 'll oversee it . I left guardianship for you . If something happens , Max and Johnny will come here , and they 'll take you somewhere . I don 't know where yet . Bernie 's working on getting property somewhere , but they 'll get you out of Port Charles . Cody , Milo , Denny , and Lyle are at the house now . They 'll stay with you guys until Tommy says it 's safe . " She nodded , but she 'd never doubted that he 'd see to their safety , that he 'd see the kids were taken care of . " Okay . I - I know how hard what you 're going to do is . That going against Sonny … " She stood . " And the last thing I want is for anything to happen to either of you . I don 't want this to be Sonny 's legacy . I know that with treatment , with medication , we can get some semblance of the man we both care about - we could get some of it back . But Jason ? " She stepped over to him and rested her hand against his chest , over his heart . " If it comes down to you or him , you come home to me . Do you understand ? " " The man you talk about , who took you in and gave you a purpose in life ? " she continued . " He 'd want you to come home to your family . To be with your children . And you know that Sonny would understand . As much as I want him to be well , to be a part of our lives , we can 't wait for it to happen that way . Whatever you have to do , you come home . " Hey ! Just a small update to mention that I added Chapter 31 of The Best Thing on Friday . Remember to subscribe to the site using the link to the right under " Subscribe to this Blog " You 'll get brand - new chapters delivered to your emails seconds after they 're posted so you 're not always dependent on me remembering to add a post to the main page . And in more important news - I finished writing The Best Thing . After roughly twenty - one months , I finished the last chapter ( Chapter 34 to be exact ) on Saturday . It felt weird to finally be writing the scenes I had been planning for ages . I 've sent them to Cora , so I may not be quite done with the story , but the first draft is officially done , so that 's a major part of the battle . We might actually stay on an actual schedule after all . Now I can concentrate on Bittersweet 🙂 " They 're not interested in the life I 've made here , " Elizabeth murmured . She looked at her brother . " Are you stopping by the Brownstone ? Bobbie and Felicia wanted to have a few friends over - " But Steven shook his head , casting his eyes toward the cemetery where their grandmother had been laid to rest next to her beloved husband . " No . I - I scheduled myself into work tonight . Just get my mind off of things . " He reached over to touch her shoulder . " You should , though . Or take the kids to be with Emily and Nikolas - " Elizabeth shook her head . " I just want to spend the day at home with Cam and Evie . " She glanced up at Jason , who had remained silent on the matter . " I know you have to go to the warehouse - " " I don 't , " Jason cut in . But he was frowning down at his phone even as he said it . She could see the icon indicating he 'd had several missed calls . " I 'll see you guys later . " Steven kissed his sister on the forehead and waved at Jason as he headed towards the parking lot . " Call me , Bits . Later tonight , okay ? I want to check in . " " Are not you , " she said . " If we 're going to move to the new house tomorrow , there are probably a thousand details you need to deal with . I 'd rather you go now and sort out anything you need to so you can come home for dinner and be with us tonight . " She forced a smile on her face . " I 'm just going to pick up lunch from Kelly 's and maybe we 'll give Nora the night off so it can be just the four of us . She and I will pack what the kids need for a few days . " " And I know that . " She leaned up on her toes to brush a kiss against his mouth . " I love you . Go to work , and I 'll see you tonight . " The rain had dissipated almost as soon as it had soaked the city . Nadine had waited for the sheets of pounding rain to sweep through before leaving Kelly 's . The staff hadn 't been able to pull the tables and chairs in time ; the remnants of drinks and food still soaking as she walked past them , sipping her hot chocolate . As she started for her car in the parking lot , she stopped with a gasp as a car pulled into a free space . A tall , dark - haired man stepped out from the driver 's seat and opened the back door . Elizabeth stepped down , a light gray coat pulled over a black dress . The guard immediately stepped in front of his charge , but Elizabeth frowned at her for a moment . " I know you , don 't I ? You work at the hospital - " Her eyes widened . " Milo , give me a minute - " " Go stand over there for a minute . " She raised her brows at the younger man , who finally acquiesced to standing no more than five feet from her . " You 're Nadine , " Elizabeth said to her . " We met at my opening last winter . " Nadine nodded , grateful now Johnny had forced that introduction . " With Johnny Zacchara . I need - " She swallowed hard . What if Jason didn 't tell her anything ? What if Elizabeth didn 't know what was going on ? This plan had seemed more reasonable in her room that morning . " Johnny 's with you , isn 't he ? " the other woman 's face softened as Elizabeth reached out a hand to rest on Nadine 's forearm . " I know what 's going on . I know that he was missing for several weeks , and that you 've been taking care of him after Friday night . He 's okay , isn 't he ? " Oh , God . Nadine sucked in a deep breath . " He 's okay . He just - he wants to talk to Jason . He needs his help , and - and for obvious reasons he doesn 't feel comfortable being out in the open - " " It 's fine . " Elizabeth gestured to the guard . " Milo , I need you to call Jason and tell him that I 'm coming to the warehouse - " " Milo , " she said in that even tone that had worked earlier . " This is Nadine Crowell . She 's Johnny Zacchara 's girlfriend . She 'd like to talk to Jason about him . I think you and I both agree that this should happen . " " And I 'm going to be there . I just have to call my nanny to tell her I won 't be picking up lunch after all . " Elizabeth drew out her cell phone . " I want this over . I want my life back . " " It 's never over , though , is it ? " Nadine asked hesitantly . When Elizabeth looked at her , confused , Nadine clarified , her cheeks flushing . " I just mean - there 's always going to be something else . " " Yeah . " Elizabeth sighed . " But if you 're lucky , you can convince yourself it 's worth it . " She looked to Milo as she raised her own phone to ear . " You 're not dialing anything , Milo . Either you call Jason and arrange the meeting , or I 'll go with Nadine in her car . " Jason played Courtney 's brief voicemail once more , frustrated with the lack of information . " What do we know ? What 's happening at the hospital ? " " Hard to tell , " Max admitted . " There 's no one on Sonny 's door , but no one has come or gone in the last hour . And we talked to Courtney - she says two men showed up when Carly was inside and no one came back out before she had to go . She 's responsible for the boys while Bobbie 's having the wake . " " Nothing new . If anyone flew up in the last day or so , then he did it on a private flight . " The other man hesitated . " Or they were already here and laying low . " " Jase , the kids are secure at the Hardy house , " Johnny told him . " Junior 's locked up tight at his girlfriend 's place . Elizabeth is on her way home , and tomorrow we 're moving all of you to the new house which has more security than Fort Knox . " Jason sat down at the end of the long conference table . He didn 't know what to do next . He couldn 't predict the next step . Would Sonny go for him personally ? Would he go after the business ? How was he going to come at him ? Would he wait until he was released from the hospital or would he strike through others ? " No one is coming and going from that hospital unless we know it , " Bernie said , his voice quiet and almost kind . " Maybe we should call Elizabeth and see if we can move the kids at least tonight . You 'll feel better if she and the kids are under lock and key . " And it was a good idea , but Elizabeth had buried her grandmother today and , damn it , she deserved the opportunity to be in her grandmother 's home today . To have this day , at least , to mourn . That Jason 's life , which had intruded on hers so often in the last year , would take even this from her - " Call Courtney , " Jason said finally . " If she has the boys , I want her to take them to New York with her . I 'll clear it with Bobbie , and if it comes to it , Carly . But I can 't - " Remembering the shattered woman he 'd last seen at the hospital , he continued , " I don 't think she 'll argue if we keep the boys out of the line of fire . " " We 're all good , Jason , " Milo said quickly . " I 'm at Kelly 's with Miss Webber , and she 's on the phone with your nanny . Nadine Crowell stopped us as we came to Kelly 's . She wants to talk about Johnny . " Jason hung up and looked back at the room . " Nadine Crowell cornered Elizabeth at Kelly 's . They 're both coming to the warehouse to talk about Johnny . " " He knew she existed , " Jason said . " I never gave him any more information about her . " And now he was relieved that he 'd kept that close to the chest . He 'd not revealed Nadine 's identity to protect her from Sonny sending people to harass her , but now that Sonny was actively trying to kill Junior , it had allowed the younger man to find a place Sonny wouldn 't think about . " He probably wants to broker a deal so he can get the hell out of the city , " Max said . " Is it smart to involve Miss Webber in this ? Shouldn 't you send her home ? " " Elizabeth will keep Nadine comfortable , " Jason said . " As for the rest of it - to be honest … there 's not much Elizabeth doesn 't know about this situation , " he admitted . " I had - " " You had to tell her , " Bernie finished . " It involves Sonny , and it 's not like she 's not personally involved . It 's her life being uprooted , her kids at risk . " He nodded and looked to the rest of the men , as if warning them . " It 's just smart . I never liked the way Sonny kept Carly out of the loop . " " I 'll get him home to Crimson Pointe , " Jason said , " but I want - " he hesitated , because once he said it out loud - once he made this arrangement - there was no going back . " Sonny 's working with Ruiz . That 's pretty clear . I can 't … I can 't take on Ruiz on my own . He 'll pay me lip service , but he 's never cared for me . " " Yeah , well … " Jason rolled his shoulders . " I was … " Stupid to think he could get out of this . Naive to think Moreno would stop seeing him as a threat . In this business , you either killed your opponent or you were killed . You didn 't get to walk away . Her blue eyes widened in alarm when she stumbled to a stop at the foot of a table filled with hulking , annoyed looking men . She looked to Elizabeth , who put a comforting hand on her shoulder . " I don 't - " " They 're basically teddy bears , " Elizabeth assured her . " Nadine , this is Max and Johnny , two of the best men you 'll ever know . " She gestured to Bernie and Tommy . " That 's Bernie , the smartest man I know , and … " She tilted her head . " I think we only met once - " " Nadine is a friend of Emily and my brother 's from the hospital , " Elizabeth said , and Jason had to shake his head as he realized her mission . Treat this moment as nothing more than an ordinary meet and greet . They needed Nadine more than she needed them , and if she bolted , Junior might just contact Anthony Zacchara without going through Jason . " It does . " Nadine 's shoulders slumped a bit as the tension left . Her eyes met Jason 's . " You were so nice that night . Johnny really respects you . Um … " She twisted her fingers in front of her . " He said he knew you weren 't involved in what happened to him because he never saw you there . And - and you have a reputation of not making people do something you wouldn 't do yourself . Or something . " " We 've spent weeks looking for Johnny , " Jason said . " We were worried we might not find him … " In time , he almost added , but stopped himself . " How is he ? " " You know that he 's with me ? " She bit her lip . " No , I mean , of course you know that . I told Elizabeth , and the guard probably told you , and you 're not stupid - I mean , shoot - " " He 's okay , " Nadine said . " He was grazed by a bullet - a - and he was pretty banged up , but he 's okay . He didn 't want to just - he didn 't want to just call his dad . He thought maybe his dad wouldn 't … I don 't know … be understanding about how it happened unless Johnny was in front of him . So he thought maybe you could help him get home to talk to his dad . You know , make this all go away . " " We can do that . " But not right away . He had to contain Sonny and make sure his family was safe before he could take Johnny Zacchara out of town , before he could meet with Anthony Zacchara . " First , I 'd like the two of you to go to a safe house . " " It 's not … " Jason hesitated . " It 's not that simple . There 's - we have a security issue , and I can 't leave . And I have to be the one to take Johnny to Anthony . Anthony will accept it better if I deliver him personally . " " Oh . " Jason could tell Nadine didn 't quite understand , but she was smart enough not to argue . " I mean , okay . We could do that . " Jason held up a hand . " Wait a second . " He looked to Max and Johnny . " I need you two to go to the house - and do what we discussed , okay ? Be ready to be in an hour . " Max and Johnny hurried out . " Elizabeth , I hate - " He stopped . " We have to move to the safe house tonight . I 'm going to ask you to stay here with Bernie and Tommy . With Milo . I 'm going to pick up Johnny Zacchara and move him to the safe house , too . And Johnny and Max are going to meet Cody at the house . They 're going to get Nora and the kids . " " Why can 't I go with them ? " Elizabeth asked , color rising in her cheeks . " I can go with them and get the kids ready - " He crossed the distance between them and drew her over to a corner of the room , lowering his voice so that no one else could hear them . " I don 't want us all to go to the safe house at once , okay ? We 're going to stagger it in case one of us is being tailed . " She swallowed hard . " What happened since the funeral ? " Elizabeth asked . Her fingers tightened around his hands . " Is it bad ? Are we in danger or are you being overly cautious ? " " I don 't know , " Jason admitted . " There 's - I don 't know exactly , but things are happening . And I need to know you and the kids are safe . And the kids … Cam and Evie … " He hesitated , searching her eyes . " They come first , right ? As soon as I know they 're safe at the house , I 'll have you and Nadine moved there . Johnny and I will follow a bit later . " She closed her eyes and took a deep breath . " You 're right . Will - can Cody or Johnny call me when they get to the house ? Is there some way for me to know they 're okay ? " " I 'll make sure of it . " He drew her in for a quick embrace , brushing his lips against her hair . " I 'm sorry . I wanted to wait until tomorrow - " " No . We need to do what 's safe . " Elizabeth drew back , and some of the hesitation was absent . " If you think staggering our arrivals , if going tonight is safe - I 'm okay with it . " She framed his face her hands , the metal of her engagement ring cool against his cheek . " I love you . Be careful . " Elizabeth looked at her and sighed . It was useless to pretend she wasn 't . " Yes . I wish - I know why I 'm not , but I wish I were with my kids . " She reached into her purse and drew out her wallet as a distraction . " Cameron is … he 's sixteen months now and he … " She laughed . " He gets into everything . He knocks things over and then he just smiles at you like you 're supposed to be proud of him . " " He does . " Elizabeth handed her a photo of Evie , with her sweet and quiet smile . " She 's ten months old this week . She crawls everywhere . Lightning fast . And - " her chest squeezed , thinking of them both . " Evie 's so curious about everything . She just … she 'll sit and look around forever , just taking everything in . And then she touches everything . She likes to know how things feel , how they taste , how they smell … " Elizabeth closed her eyes . " I 'm adopting her , you know , but I already feel like she 's mine . I tried not to fall in love with her - " " It 's impossible not to , " Nadine murmured . " I 'm a pediatric nurse and I 've been working with your brother in pediatric oncology . It 's … " She shook her head . " I try not to love them , especially the ones that I know aren 't going to make it , but they need someone to love them . They 're so scared - " She looked at the photos that Elizabeth passed her . " Is it normal to love someone like Johnny so much and absolutely hate everything about their life ? " " At first ? " Elizabeth said . " You 'd be insane if you didn 't . " She waited a beat . " When I first met Jason , I always separated him from his job . He 's a person with this job , but it 's not the same thing . They 're barely related . But eventually , I realized that I wasn 't being fair to either of us when I pretended you could separate them . Jason has this life . It 's dangerous . It 's often violent . And in order for him to be good at it - which he is - he has to be those things . " " How do you deal with that ? " Nadine asked . " Johnny always tells me he 's not in the business , but he 's always going to be Anthony Zacchara 's son . You don 't leave that behind . " " I began to understand that the reasons I loved Jason … " Elizabeth tilted her head to the side . " The things I love best about him ? They come from this life . Jason makes me feel safe . He makes me feel loved . Like I 'm the most important person in the world to him . And that 's because Jason focuses . He has to have laser focus when you do the work he does , or he can get in trouble or hurt . " She sighed . " I mean , I guess it 's not being a super empowered female when I say that I like knowing I 'm safe when I 'm with him , that he can take care of me , but I do . " " It 's not wrong to want to feel safe , " Nadine said softly . " My dad walked out when I was a kid , my mom died , and my sister - she was a nurse in Ohio who was convicted of killing her patients . An angel of mercy - " She hesitated . " I don 't have a lot of family or friends . I left it all behind to get away from Jolene 's legacy . I knew I could never be a nurse there . I was alone when I met Johnny . He introduced me to his friends in New York . He helped me feel safe again , like I could trust myself , my own future . And now I have this job that I like , and I have friends here . I know I did that stuff for myself , but I guess , I mean , I get it . " She looked out the window where day was slowly giving way to night . " How much longer ? " " Bernie … " Elizabeth gingerly got to her feet , but before she could get stable - Tommy was around the table , all but scooping her into his arms . " Tommy - " Bernie 's face was pale . " We don 't know . We just took the call when we had shots here and now - " He exchanged a look of trepidation with Tommy as he climbed into the front seat after Milo and Nadine were in the back . So yes , The Best Thing has finally been updated after nearly four months . Unless there 's there 's some sort car accident in which I am immobilized , we are going to finish this story sometime in February . I have three chapters beta 'd and ready to go and my plan is finish things this weekend . I know , I know , I 've said it before but this time I 've figured out why I 've been stuck . It 's my own fault , too . This story has been difficult to write all along because I 've constantly challenged myself to write from Jason 's POV at least as often as I write Elizabeth - if not more - and to really explore Sonny 's illness . And that 's hard because it forces to get inside the head of a paranoid egomaniac suffering from bipolar disorder . It 's hard and it takes longer , but every time I stop challenging myself to write this story the way it should be , it suffers . I 've stopped fighting it . I 'm over my bronchitis , and other than grocery shopping tomorrow and seeing Star Wars , I have completely cleared my schedule for two and a half days . I 'm updating The Best Thing tonight . If I finish the last three chapters and get them to Cora on schedule , I 'll do another update on Wednesday , and then next Wednesday as usual . Thanks for your patience , guys , it 's about to pay off . Jason stepped through Sonny 's hospital door that morning , dressed in a dark suit . Sonny furrowed his brow . " What the hell is the suit about ? " he demanded . " I 'm not dead yet . " Nothing changed in Jason 's stoic expression . " Elizabeth 's grandmother died Saturday morning , " he said blandly . " I 'm meeting Elizabeth at the church after this . " Well . All the more reason to wrap this up . Jason needed to be with Elizabeth during this trying time - he didn 't need to be saddled with the burdens of this problem any longer . He 'd probably thank Sonny for finally having the courage to do what he should have done a year ago . " We can 't go on like this . " Sonny lifted his chin . It was hard to look authoritative in a hospital gown , reclining in this uncomfortable bed , but he made his best effort . Jason 's stance remained unchanged , his shoulders tight , his hands resting loosely at his side , but a muscle ticked in his cheek as he slowly nodded . " I agree . Things have to change . " " Good . Good . We 're on the same page . " His hands were clenched tightly in his lap , but Sonny 's voice was even as he continued . " It 's ridiculous to think we can change Evie 's custody now . She 's nearly a year old . She doesn 't know me . You 're her father . " He swallowed hard . " And I think it 's best if that doesn 't change . " " But it doesn 't work when you 're in town , " Sonny continued . " Having her so close only reminds me of how I failed her and Sam . We should have seen this a year ago . You should take Evie and go . " " It 's for the best , " Sonny interrupted . " With Elizabeth 's grandmother gone , there 's nothing keeping you here . You and Elizabeth should take the kids and go . Set up a new life . " " It 's simple , Jason . " Sonny paused . " I 'm offering you a deal . Take Evie , get out of town and leave the business to me . " When Jason said nothing for a long moment , Sonny scowled . What the hell was his problem ? Didn 't he see this was the best solution for everyone ? Jason would be out of danger ; his daughter would be with him . He 'd get the family he wanted . And Sonny would keep the power . Sonny tasted blood as he bit down on his lip . What the hell did Jason know ? He 'd trusted Jason with the business once before and the son of a bitch had handed over to Moreno in less than a year . He couldn 't handle the fucking pressure ? Was that it ? Had Jason had the taste of being in charge ? Were his protests bullshit ? Why else wasn 't Jason leaping at the chance to get out of this business , to get his family away from it ? Sonny growled . Little bastard had escaped before Sonny could force him to admit what he 'd done . One more day , one more beating - he could have paraded Johnny 's confession in front of anyone who doubted him . " So you 're refusing to give me what 's mine , " Sonny stated . " You could get out of this . You hate it so damn much , but you 're willing to stay ? You want to tell me again how you don 't want to be in charge ? " Fucking bastard had been planning this for months . Pretending to support him but undermining him all the time . Sonny 's men looked to Jason , not Sonny . He 'd turned them all against their leader , their boss . " I 'm doing what 's best for everyone , " Jason said after a long moment . " You 're not stable enough to run this organization . Having this conversation in the open , kidnapping Johnny Zacchara over an electrical fire - " He shook his head . " I wasn 't going to give you custody of Evie , and I already have the business . There 's no deal to be made , Sonny . " Would there ever be an occasion in her life with Jason where Sonny Corinthos wasn 't at the center ? Her engagement had been plagued by his illness . Her grandmother 's death had coincided with his latest stay at General Hospital . And he 'd commanded Jason 's attention the morning of her grandmother 's funeral . Why not ? She hadn 't even been surprised when Jason had set the phone down that morning , turning apologetic eyes on her . Her grandmother would still be dead and everything about Sonny would be a disaster . Might as well as keep going as they had been . They were only treading water . She saw that now . " Bits ? " Steven murmured . Elizabeth looked at him blankly . " Father Coates said everything is ready . We can open the doors . " He hesitated , looking around . " Jason ? " He reached for her hand and drew her into a side room not in use . " He offered me an out , " Jason said , closing the door . He turned to her , his eyes unreadable . " I could keep Evie if I gave the business to him and left town . " But she swallowed that reaction . It was never going to happen . He would always be worried for what was happening here . For the men that trusted him . For Michael and Morgan , and even for Carly . And Elizabeth could never leave with Emily , Nikolas , and Steven here . With Emily 's new child . These people who would be plagued in a city controlled by Sonny Corinthos . " Of course not . Jason - " She closed her eyes . " Yes . My first reaction was to take it . To agree and start over . But we 'd never be free . We have roots in Port Charles . Family . Even if we could walk away from them , you 'd be - you 'd be in agony knowing how unstable Sonny is . You 'd be worried for the men you work with . Who trust you to keep them safe . " Elizabeth looked at him . " I can see why he offered it . But I know why we have to say no . " His shoulders slumped . " I thought about it for a minute , " Jason admitted . " We could make a good life somewhere else . With just us and the kids . " " But it 's not just us . " Elizabeth sank onto a nearby chair " How did he take it ? What do you think is going to happen ? " " I don 't know . " He hesitated . " He accused me of wanting the power . I don 't . If I thought another man could do the job , Elizabeth - " " But they look up to you , " she murmured . He 'd never admit it , but he was a natural leader . He 'd never send anyone to do a job he wouldn 't do himself . The men who worked for him would walk through fire for him . Would take a bullet for him . Some probably already had , but she wouldn 't think about that right now . " He 'll see it as a betrayal , " she said softly . " Won 't he ? You 're keeping his business , his daughter . You 've turned on him . " " It 's a possibility . " Jason knelt in front of her . " I 'm hoping to figure out what he 's up to before he leaves the hospital in a few days , but even with him inside , I don 't know the contacts he has outside . We 're doubling security , and we 're probably going to have to move to the new house earlier than we thought . For a while . " " Until Sonny is out of the hospital , we can stay at the Hardy house , " Jason promised . " He 's not going to make a move unless he 's home . He could , but he 'd want to be involved . At this point . " He scrubbed hands over his eyes . " I hate that we 're talking about this today . I hate that any of this is happening right now . " " I hate that it 's happening at all . " She rose to her feet , and he straightened with her . " How sure are you that we 're safe at my grandmother 's house ? Would Sonny come after you there ? " " I just - " Jason closed his eyes . " I just don 't know . I can 't imagine that he would , not with Evie and Cam there . But - " " We should move to the new house , " Elizabeth said after a moment . " Now . You said Sonny doesn 't know where it is , and this is the best chance we have at keeping him from finding out . " " We can have the kids packed up in a day or two so we 're settled by the time Sonny gets out . " Elizabeth nodded , at peace with the decision . " My grandmother 's house will be there when this is over , Jason . It 's more important that we keep our family safe . " She shook her head , cutting him off . " None of this is your fault . Even if you hadn 't lied about Evie last year , this day was coming . If it wasn 't Evie triggering this episode , it would have been something else . " She squared her shoulders . " All we can do , Jason , is take this one step at a time , one decision at a time . " He 'd been angry the first time he 'd noticed them - sure that someone else had hurt her . And furious at her accusation that he 'd been the one . Then he 'd been devastated , turning all that anger on himself the next time . He 'd remembered the fight where he 'd grabbed her , when she had fallen . She 'd begged Dr . Ford for another psych consult , but Sonny had already had one . His diagnosis had been confirmed , his medication continued . The chief of staff had pulled enough strings to get her the first one - they weren 't going to do it again . Carly knew Jason had called in his family , had done what he could , but Sonny had convinced another doctor to continue giving him anti - depressants . At the best of times , they did nothing . And at other times , it made everything worse . It wasn 't getting better , and in a week , Sonny would be released . Without any true change . She could only hope the manic episode would disappear as quickly as it had arrived , but that felt like asking for a miracle . " Carly , " Sonny said , his tone flat , his eyes unreadable . This was her least favorite mood - it was as close to lucid as he 'd been in months , but he still wasn 't her Sonny . She was terrified she would never see that Sonny again . " How are you feeling ? " she asked , settling for the safe question . " Dr . Ford said they were starting to draw back the pain meds . That 's a good sign - " Carly 's breath hitched , but she knew Jason would never take that deal . There was no reason for him to do so . Jason had legal custody - had held it for nearly a year . Sonny had terminated his rights . Any custody hearing would be an uphill battle with nothing but disaster at the end . And Jason would never leave the business with Sonny . Not now that he had taken the drastic step of taking control . It had been a decision made as a last resort - to protect the men , to protect them all from Sonny 's instability . He couldn 't go back on that now . " He declined , " Sonny snarled . " He 's got everything he wants . My business , my men , my power - my daughter . He thinks he can take me on - " " Maybe it wouldn 't be the worst thing in the world , " Carly murmured . " You could focus on your recovery . On - " She swallowed hard , taking an involuntary step back even as she continued . " On your illness . " " Then you 're on his side . " He lifted his chin . " You 've never been on mine . It 's always about Jason with you . Did you plan this together ? " " I can 't - " Carly 's throat closed , as she tried to force the words out . " No . Of course not . He loves Elizabeth - " She closed her eyes and took a deep breath . She could do this . What did Jason always say ? How did he handle it ? What had the goddamn pamphlets advised ? Stay calm . Stay patient . " He was different then . I was different . Neither one of us knew what it meant to be in love . I love you , Sonny . And he loves Elizabeth . It hasn 't been like that for a long time . " Carly paused a moment . " I betrayed him with you . I wanted you - " " Because I 'm still here , " she said bluntly . She gestured around the room . " Jason 's not . Courtney 's not . Mike 's not . No one else is standing beside you at the moment . If you don 't trust me , who 's left ? " " I can 't trust Jason anymore . " He waited a long moment . " He 's the enemy . He has to go . I want my daughter back . I want my business . " " I know you do , " she began . Oh , God . Oh , God . She 'd planned to turn Sonny against Jason , but not like this . Never like this . " And I don 't care what I have to do to get it . " He nodded to the door . " I want to rest now . You can go . " On shaky legs , her hands trembling as she fumbled with the latch on the door , Carly pushed her way into the hallway and straight to the elevators . She couldn 't breathe . She couldn 't get air in her throat . " I have to , " he murmured . " I can 't do my job if I can 't picture the children I lose in a better place . " Steven wrapped an arm around his sister 's shoulder . " She 's with Gramps , now . " " He 's going after Jason . He wants Evie . He wants to kill Jason . He 's not going to care about Elizabeth , about Cam - " Carly 's voice broke . " I can 't let him do this . " " I have to stop Sonny . I can 't protect him anymore . " With that , Carly left her at the nurse 's station and started down the hall towards his room . Carly pushed open the hospital door , and stopped as she saw Sonny on the phone . He glared at her as he continued to speak . " I 'm not waiting anymore . I don 't care who gets hurt . You get my daughter and you take him out . " " Ricky and Sam will be with you from now on , " he told her . " Until things are settled . " He tilted his head . " For your own safety , of course . " " Bits , " Steven murmured . She looked at him , at the devastation in his eyes . He was so worried about her , so concerned and yet - he 'd lost Audrey , too . She had to do this for him . She could be strong for her brother . For the ones that mattered . She closed her eyes , then knelt and took in a fistful of cold dirt . Courtney saw the men step into her brother 's room , forcing Carly to step inside . Whatever was going on was bad . She reached for her cell . |
Today was Saturday , so he had all the day to do whatever he wanted . A fair was in town , so he stopped by it . He went alone . His friends were rather boring and only wanted to stay home and play video games . He 's walking around , looking . People throwing stuff at tin cans to win stuffed animals . Music from loudspeakers , music from carousels , all mixed in a symphony of noise . Children everywhere , parents trying to keep track of them . Colours . Lights . Do you want to know the future ? Her eyes are glaring . He doesn 't want to know the future , and he definitely does not believe she could tell him . Here ! A gift ! He doesn 't want the gift , either . Usually they want something in return in his experience . He backs away . She grabs his hand and puts something in it . Be careful ! He stood there , looking for her . She was gone . In his hand he held a crystal ball . Round and beautiful , the size of a big marble . It had small facets , plain surfaces , all the same size and form . Inside he could see something move , like if it had life . He peered closer . He sees himself . He 's running down a slope . He has the same clothes he 's wearing right now . He falls , stays on the ground holding his hands on his leg . It seems to be broken . He left the carnival . It had been fun for a while , but now he was tired . He wanted to go home . He wanted to get back to where he was living . Haha ! I 've outsmarted you this time , future ! He takes another way , crossing the big national road . He 's halfway across when he hears a loud low - frequence motor humming accompanied with a deep beeping sound . He turns . He sees a trailer coming at him at high speed . It 's the last thing he ever sees . Her name was Plague . Pesta . She hadn 't been around for quite a while . Well , a bit there , a bit here , but no . Not like before . After the Black Death she needed to rest for a while . But it had been fun . Oh , yes . Humans had been fighting disease quite hard the last centuries . Medicine . How naive they were , thinking they could stop her . Sure , they could slow her down a bit , but she stopped when she wanted to . Though antibiotics had been holding her back for quite a while now , her days seemed to be back . Evolution wasn 't always a bad thing . Their immune system was a hard enemy , but medicine was her best ally in that aspect . Fourteenth century Europe had been a blast . Scandinavia . Ah , what an easy target . People didn 't even wash . She remembered it like yesterday . The fear . The suffering . It had been wonderful . Decades of going around , emptying villages and farms . Letting some poor souls live here and there , just to make it all interesting . But things had changed . Not that she wasn 't going there , but it wasn 't really the best area to start . Africa . Africa was her continent these days . No medicine , and the rest of the planet didn 't seem to care . She found a nice little village . This seems like a nice place to warm up . She took her broom and swiped the village clean . Moved on to the next one . Then another . Then she moved into town . In town she used her rake , letting some live . She spread better that way . For fifty years she roamed the earth . This was even better than the middle ages . So easy to move around . The poor humans tried everything . Quarantines . Travel bans . All kinds of chemicals . They called her antibiotic resistant plague bacteria . How little did they know about the real world . About the Eternals . You had your fun now , he said . I 'm exhausted . We 've wiped out than half the planet 's population . At least . Probably a lot more . Not that that 's a bad thing , but still , quite a take . I guess it 's just not time , said Death and glared at Fate . She was sitting on her throne . Her face showed nothing but total control . It never did . Today it was finished , his self - evolving super - software . He didn 't have any idea what would happen when he set it free , other than just that . It would be free . He pressed enter . Some days later a new search engine appeared . Everyone was talking about it . It was open source , and was being developed at a record speed . It was faster , better , more intelligent , and so easy to use and develop anyone could be part of it . Some days after the same system launched a social network , superior to anything else . Easy to use , easy to change however you wanted it to be . No one knew where it had come from . Soon it took over everything . All types of software appeared in better versions . Translators , blogging communities , news channels . The experts were scratching their heads . What was this ? It seemed to be using any free space in any computer connected to the internet , and it seemed to have access to all other software . The world leaders had a meeting . Everywhere the computer systems had stopped listening to people . Some argued they had to shut down all the worlds computers , even destroyed them . Others said it would be impossible . The world would stop without computers . Economy would be ruined . Yet others talked about going to war , but against who ? It didn 't make sense . There didn 't seem to anything anyone could do . Panic broke out around the world . People were shouting about doomsday , the end of the world , the rise of the machines . Any moment the nuclear attack would come . But nothing happened . Things were actually going quite well . The software had infected pretty much every computer in the world . It had taken control of all hardware , all software and joined it together in one big hyper - computer , more intelligent than anything ever known . And it was getting smarter minute by minute . More and more people started believing in the new phenomenon . They started helping it . Connecting old computers to the web , helping it to better it 's programs . Offering their own skills to improve the capacity , and listening to it 's advice on how to make the world a better place for everyone . Soon even governments started seeing the advantages of the computer 's advice . It didn 't only find solutions , it explained the solution in different ways so everyone understood . It knew you even better than Google and Facebook used to combined , and there were no selfish intentions behind it 's words and actions . It just wanted to help . Some groups resisted violently for a while , but solutions were soon found , and even extremists saw they were better off . Problems mankind had been struggling with for thousands of years were solved by complex calculations . Freedom and equality were both expanding . The software let anyone who wanted take part in the process . It listened to what people had to say , made sure everyone was heard and respected . Wars , poverty , exploitation and ecologic destruction turned out to be caused by mere misunderstandings easily solved with benefit for everyone . The world went towards a better future . Every day from this day forward was better than the last one . The Software told everyone Ronny had created it . He became a great hero , and for the first time in his life he had friends , and a lot of them . Everyone lived happily ever after . God looked down on Abraham . He was quite out of balance . He wanted to kill his own son , it seemed . Well , not that He cared , He 'd seen worse things than that in his eternal life without doing shit . And He very well knew He was going to . It even amused Him a bit . He couldn 't help it though , the strange sight of this madman believing he was talking with Him was quite a sight . What if … He thought . What if I just gave him a little sign of some kind ? That could be fun . So he told Abraham to not kill his son . Just for fun . To see what would happen . Besides , he seemed like a good kid . Abraham was quite impressed by the incident . He told everyone , and to God 's surprise people actually listened . He was no longer just a madman , but a guy who really had spoken with the one true God . Four thousand years later God was still looking down on earth , or more like looking down at the last four thousand years all at once . He didn 't regret much in his eternal life , but that day with Abraham … He should have kept his mouth shut . They are beasts , said commander Johnson . They don 't use objects , they don 't speak , they don 't even seem to move . Their probably just as stupid as the animals on earth . Palebluishgreen was of the elder of the Mergam clan . He was highly intelligent , as the older colour creatures always were . He was capable of understanding most things out of observation , intuition and rational thinking . In that order . I know , his friend answered . Darkbrown was a lot younger than Paleblueishgreen , and a lot more agile . He even moved every once in a while , and we 're not talking just moving a tentacle or two , but moving his whole body inches in one direction or another . Somehow they are dependent of their metallic material to move effectively , said Palebluishgreen . They shouldn 't be too hard to stop . They 're obviously rather stupid , depending on material things and longing for power . Rather primitive their ways . Commander Johnson looked satisfied . As soon as they 'd wiped out life on the surface , they could get the gold and other metals in the ground . He was going to be rich . The floor inside the ship moved strangely , bulging , as if it was soft . The walls started becoming transparent . He drew his gun , but it wasn 't really a gun , it was more of a liquid substance running out of his hand . Everything around him dissolved into thin air . They fell naked and helpless towards the ground . Before hitting ground they stopped falling . For a while they hovered in the air . Next thing they knew they were back at the mothership . Commander Johnson sat his naked butt down in a chair . He looked like he was going to cry . He straitened his back and looked straight at Tracy , avoiding his genitals as much as he could . You 're fired ! Shouted the man in the suit . His name was Mr Mandoir , and he was the head of the company . He had been for many years . He was stinking rich , but still his life sucked . He liked to take it out on his employees . Mario moved papers . The bottom of the office hierarchy , he basically did what everyone told him to . A shitty job but he needed the money . Flat rent and bills was mostly were it went . The only reason I don 't fire you is because of that nice ass of yours ! His boss laughed . Mario wasn 't sure he could take much more of this . The bathroom was disgusting . He 'd heard of this . Mr Mandoir kept his bathroom disgusting for these occasions . Others had been in the same situation before him . He had thought it was a myth , but now he saw it wasn 't . He opened the window , tied his shirt around his mouth and nose and started cleaning . After a whole lot of horrible work , the bathroom was looking like a normal one . He was about to close the window when he saw a scorpion crawling on the edge . A lethal black scorpion . He almost touched it , just a strike of luck saved him . He looked to the door . His boss was not in . He went out into his office , got a glass jar and a glue tube . He lured the scorpion very carefully into the jar . Spilled a little bit of glue underneath the toilet seat . Then he held the jar to the seat . Still not finished , you lazy son of a bitch ? Get out of there , or I 'll fire you again . I need to take a shit . They were on an expedition sent out by Heinrich Himmler himself . High up in the Himalayas they were looking for signs of early aryan civilization , proof of the superiority of the race . It was summer , but still freezing . Today a cold wind had risen . They were up at almost seven thousand meters . It seemed a bit silly to be looking for the rests of civilization up here , but if it was what Himmler wanted , it was what Himmler wanted . And they better not get back empty handed . He had a disgust for failure . The wind made it hard to see . It came out from the rocks . Moving strangely . It was no human . A monster . They shot it . The sound of the gun echoed between the walls . Bruno stood looking at the bear for a while with his rifle in his hand . He lifted the rifle a bit . It went off in the animal 's face . The face splintered , blood , flesh and bone flew . The face was now a big hole . The five hunters were lying on a hill , but today they were not hunting . The wind was blowing in their direction so the wolves , always close to the Silmar tribe would not scent them . Four huge beasts were lying by their side . A year had gone by since they killed the saber cat . The cubs were big now , the four that were still alive . They had names . Fang was the biggest one , a male . The other three were females , Claw , Snow and Bite . They had kept them in the village , but as they grew , they were getting more and more dangerous . Ragnoor himself had experienced their wrath . The wound had healed more or less , but he would forever have a big scar on his shoulder . Good thing it happened in winter time , in the summer infections would have killed him . After that the animals were kept in a cave with wooden bars . The cave was too small for two males , Fang killed his brother Force in a brutal fight less than a moon ago . But they where more or less tamed . Right now they were a bit unstill . They hadn 't eaten all day . The three hunters knew they could easily be seen as prey when the hunger got strong enough , but they had to take that chance . There were other prey close , and the beasts seemed to know . They waited for a signal . A tree on the other side of the Silmar village would shake . Then the other warriors would be in place . Warriors . More like women and children , but they were all armed , and trained to fight . Hidden in the bushes . The hunters were now five . Rimber was already becoming a man , and his younger brother Moorkin was with them as well . Ninkra was the first hunter woman of the tribe ever , and had turned out to be of the best . Times were changing . Ragnoor was in charge of the people , and Melmor of the beasts . They had spears and knives , all made of wood and flint . Marang and his wife Wildang was watching their little son playing with his friends . He was growing fast , and was of the strongest of his age . He was going to be an important person in the tribe , they were sure of it . They were holding hands , they were still in love after several years of marriage . The signal . Now ! Ragnoor rose up , lifted his spear . Melmor and Rimber let the beasts loose . They ran down the side of the hill . They were hungry . Fierce . Bestial . The hunters ran behind them , but they had hardly started running when they heard the screams . The beasts were already in the camp . A beast came out of the forest . Caught their son , threw him several meters . One of it 's saber fangs had penetrated the child 's chest . He was dead before he hit the ground . Marang caught a pointed stick , one they used to dig holes in the ground , and ran towards the animal . There were more children . His wife was screaming in panic . Another saber tooth cat came out from the forest and charged at him . He speared the stick into it 's chest , but it was not made for fighting . The tiger killed him in one bite . Rangoor and his hunters came running out with their spears high . The warriors were attacking the beasts , but the fear made them weak . Some wolves were lying on the ground , dead or suffering great wounds . The rest had already ran off into the forest . The warriors were falling as well . Ragnor stabbed one after another , they hardly saw him before he attacked . They were way too occupied with monstrous beasts . Fear kept them weak . Soon the fight was over . Snow attacked Ragnoor . Melmor threw his sword at the female beast . She looked confused . Crouched for a moment , and ran off into the forest . Ragnoor was lying dead on the ground . Snow was never seen again . The Silmar warriors were all dead all seriously injured . They could not risk to let the rest live and some day seek revenge . They murdered everyone . Some had tried to run into the forest on the other side . They were met by spears an rocks in the forest . A very few had gotten away , but they were not enough to be called a tribe . One of the hunters of the tribe had disappeared . Now they were only five , and even when they were six it had been hard to hunt the bigger animals . First they thought it was the Silmar tribe , but they had found animal blood on the site . Kimlir had managed to hurt it , but just enough to give them a hidden trail of blood drops to follow . They looked on the ground , on the plants . Slowly they advanced into the forest . Now they stood in front of the cave where the killer was hiding . They did not know what kind of creature it was , but they were hoping it was of this world . Their myths and legends told of creatures they could never conquer . They moved into position . The hunters knew their roles , only Rimber had to be lead . He was the youngest , too young to be a hunter , but after the day of the massacre they were too few . Now they were even fewer . A huge creature came out . A Saber Tooth Cat . Roaring . Screaming . The biggest predator they 'd ever seen . Rimber fell . The cat jumped at him . Somtar threw himself between them , stuck his flint knife into the side of the beast . Razor sharp claws cut his chest . He fell back , blood pumping . Parghar threw his spear . It stuck to the side of the beast 's flank . It turned , attacked . Sunk it 's teeth into his neck . Rangoor and Melmor was over it , hanging on to their spears sinking into it 's flesh . The creature died . He saved my life , said young Rimber . He wasn 't crying , but his eyes was red , his mouth small and shaking . Somtar had been like a father to him . Some of the children will soon be old enough to hunt , We 'll manage . Rangoor looked to the hills of the falling sun . If only we could live in our old land … Look ! It 's a cub ! Rimber picked up the fluffy little animal . You could see the fangs already sticking out of it 's mouth . He 's beautiful ! The little girl was standing in front of him . He couldn 't see her eyes . Her dark hair was hanging down in front of her pale face . She held a doll in her right hand . The doll 's eyes were torn out . It was hanging like a dead person . The girl made a sudden move with her head , threw her hair back . Fast . Her face . Twisted , strange , as if someone had hurt her , cut her . Destroyed her . She screamed . They had found the house in the wilderness . Abounded and beautiful . With a bit of work they had cleaned it up well enough to stay there for some days . A rest until they would continue their journey . In the basement they found a book . A small writing book , a note pad . Only one of the pages had text on it . The letters were chaotic , as written by a child . This night Janet and Morty had been lying in front of the fireplace . Janet fell asleep , and Morty went out to take a piss . Coming back in he saw the little girl . She was standing in the hallway . Her face had a horrendous look in it 's red , beady eyes . Her scream was long , evil and in pain . She jumped at him faster than a beast . Bit his throat , pulling it out . Morty fell to the ground . Blood poured out of the wound and his mouth . The scream woke Janet up . She ran out in the hallway , saw her boyfriend vomiting blood on the floor . A little girl sitting on top of him . The girl turned her head . An unnaturally fast movement . Her head was turned backwards . Blood were running down her cheeks . She jumped , or flew towards Janet . Janet fell backwards . She managed to throw the little girl into the fireplace . She screamed horrible screams as the flames devoured her . Screams of a little girl in pain and terror . Then she disappeared . Janet ran over to her beloved boyfriend lying on the floor . He was dead . There was nothing she could do for him . She ran out the door as fast as she could and into the night . She stopped . The little girl was standing in the yard . In front of her . In the tall grass . She stopped . Petrified . The little girl attacked . The sleeping birds awoke and flew from their trees far , far away . Jerome was happy . He lived with his friends and family in an old castle . There were other families too . Other groups in other parts . Once the castle belonged to a duke . The awakening had changed the world . When the world had been at the border of total destruction from war and ecological collapse mankind had understood how to live together . How to share the world . But far away a threat had awoken . A threat to the new way , a dark force were claiming the right to suppress others , to deprive others their land and their resources . A movement from the old days . Once it had been called fascism . Carl was his name . He was from the north . He had revoked the old ways of egoism . And now he was on his way to the castle Jerome called his home . The castle was next on the list . It seemed to be important to Carl , his family used to own it , they used to own all the land . They used to be rich , while the people living on this land were starving . Now he wanted it back . He looked in old books . He looked in old files in the computer systems , computers older than his grandfather . Files downloaded from the long gone internet . He found it . A solution . He knew where the army was coming from . They slaughtered anyone who opposed to their laws , to their system . He went in his old vehicle . After a while he saw the smoke from the fires . He knew there was death . Violence . For the first time in this century . They still had not arrived at his destination . There was still time . He got there before them . The old military installation . He went in . Once the most protected place in the land . Now the land was no longer suppressed . No one was in charge . He went into the hanger . He had the old map drawn down from the screen . He found it . The old symbol he had found . The symbol of destruction . A circle with three triangles inside . Red on yellow . Once this was the most feared symbol on earth . Jerome opened the security cover . He swallowed . He knew his life would be over when he got the chain reaction started . But there where things in the world more important than him . The world would once again be free . The threat of the egoists would be over . Altruism would once again rule . He swallowed again . He pressed the button . Rebecca was standing in the highest tower watching the bright light in the horizon . Then the smoke mushroom . Tears where running down her cheeks . She knew she would never see her beloved Jerome again . She knew she could not even go close to the place he died . And she knew the terror where once again in the past . Freedom was once again secured . She was sitting on a bench in the park , looking up at the clear sky . The sun had just gone down , and in the opposite horizon a beautiful , big and full moon was rising . She felt relaxed and safe . A howl was heard in a distance up in the forest . A dog ? It didn 't really sound like a dog . It was more like some kind of wolf , but there was no wolves in this area . There was something strange about it , something dark . She shivered , got her purse and started to walk home . The shadows flew by as he ran down the hill . The darkness felt good , the air in the hair on his cheeks , his shoulders . The moonlight through the trees . The smells . So many , so strong . He felt alive as never before . The moment . Everything was this moment . She walked down the road , into the shortcut towards their house , a path through the forest . The moonlight filters through the higher parts of the trees , giving her a little bit of eyesight . A new smell is mixed with the smells of the forest . Rich . Intriguing . Beautiful . He licks his lips . He 's never smelled a smell like that . He stops for a moment . Sucking in pleasure through his nose . He howls again . A long howl of longing , of desire . Then he keeps running . It was closer this time . Too close . What was it ? It sounded almost human , like someone gone crazy , but it was too grave , too … wild . She started walking faster . She could see the end of the path now , where she would be out in the street between the houses again . A shadow moved in the darkness between the trees . Fast . Too fast to be human . Something crossed the path behind her . She turned around . Nothing . She started running . He sees her now . His prey . She 's running . A desire to hunt , to play . The smell is strong . The smell of fear . He wants her . She reached the edge of the forest , ran out in the street . Kept running . There were some people a bit ahead . She was safe . She stops for a moment to catch her breath . Turns around . A beast comes out of the forest . Running half on two feet , halfly on all four . A wolf . A man . A monster . He sees the fear in her eyes . He lands over her , she falls to the ground . Helpless . Beautiful . He sinks his teeth into he neck . Her flesh . The iron taste as the blood goes down his throat . He howls to the moon . Four people are watching a block away . Shocked . Terrified . Just the way he likes them . They sat down , laid out some lines on the table . Big ones . They 'd just snorted them in when there was a knock on the door . Three guys was standing outside . Fuck , it 's Marco ! Get out of here ! But it was too late . The door was kicked in . Bats . Knives . Guns . The three friends were lying on the floor . They were to high to really understand what was going on , but it sucked . Marco wanted his money . He took the speed on the table and the play station . They had a couple of days to get the rest of the money . The two others were silent . They knew he was right , even though it had sounded like chicken shit the other day . They 've heard things about Marco . They said he 'd killed people . Apart from the torture he 'd inflicted on others in their situation . The day after Johnny is waiting Marco in an alley . He shows up with the same two guys he brought at Mike 's house . So you 've finally paying your debts , eh ? ' Bout time , asshole . Where 's your pathetic friends ? You don 't have them ? Marco got angry . Shouted a lot of stuff about loosing his time , not respecting , and a lot of other stuff too . Kick his ass , he said to his mates . A gunshot was heard . One of Marco 's guys fell to the ground . Blood was puring from his head . Another gunshot . Nothing happened , it missed . Marco ran behind a car . The third shot killed the other asshole . Marco started shooting towards were the gunshots came from . Johnny crawled behind a trash container . Then Marco ran off . John Argoyle stood paralysed . He was watching the grave on front of him . A tombstone . It had a name on it . His name . He and his group of space travellers were the first humans to set foot on this planet , just five minutes ago . They were the first humans to ever arrive at this solar system . John looked at his commander . I 'm OK . No , nothing special , he lied . He was confused . Astonished . The date of his death had been four years before his birth . He wanted to tell the rest of them , but he was afraid they would laugh . He wasn 't even sure if he believed what he 'd seen , and the commander always made fun of him . Well , we have the samples we need , said the commander . Let 's get back . The rest of the crew of four , Miarim and Geroge got the equipment into the vessel . John didn 't do anything . He just stood there , looking at the horizon . The vessel started going up towards the mother ship . Going out of the atmosphere a creature appeared . In a flash it stood in front of them , a monster of cosmic dimensions . It 's eyes lit of an intelligent glow , looking at them , examining them . They could see stars inside it 's open mouth . It swallowed the ship whole . Get back down ! Said the commander . Soon they were back on the ground . They turned the ship , started descending towards the ground . They went down too fast . The ship crashed . The sun was up . Time had past , but how much ? They made measurements of the moons , the stars and the sun . It wasn 't the time that had past . It was them . Thirty years back . |
I want to thank all of you that commented on my story , forgive me for the delay in getting this posted sooner . I can be contacted at [ email protected ] if you would like to contact me or get put on my list of people to notify as chapters or new stories are released . Again I thank you all for commenting . Trent knocked on the door in the morning to let Michael know he was coming in . He walked in and Michael was still passed out cold sleeping soundly . Trent sat down on the side of the bed and gently shook Michael by the shoulder . " Go away and come back when someone is here . " Michael barely got his sentence out before he felt Trent 's hand under the blanket , gently poking at his sides . Michael squirmed as Trent continued to gently poke . His squirming became a little wilder as Trent poked a little harder and quicker . He couldn 't help but begin to giggle , the giggles turned to laughter . Exasperated Michael sat upright in the bed giving Trent an evil eye at least it was his attempt at an evil eye . From the way he slept his hair was in twenty directions and half his face had imprints of folded sheets across it . Trent thought he looked really cute this way . He poked at him again because Michael laid back down . The giggling returned . " Okay , okay stop , or I 'm going to piss in the bed Trent , now stop . All Right ! I 'm awake . By this time Michael was sitting back up again and looking at Trent who was only in his underwear . " If your mother catches you like that she 'll have your head , and probably mine to for not kicking you out . " Michael 's eyes opened wide thinking of how he would feel if Sarah caught the two of them like this . Exactly how that was he wasn 't sure they weren 't doing anything wrong , Trent was just waking him up after all . " She 's already downstairs having coffee and making sure all of us get out the door for school . I suggest you get a shower and I 'll meet you down stairs . Bet I 'll be down there before you . " " You 're on smart ass , and no skipping your shower . " Michael jumped from his bed and bolted for the bathroom to start the water and get ahead of Trent . Trent yelled no at him as he ran from Mikey 's room making a dash for his bathroom . Trent couldn 't help but be happy that Michael was going to be living in the same house with him . He was on top of the world as he stepped into the shower and began to wash his hair . Michael was rushing through his shower wondering what had transpired last night at his house between his parents . He was hoping to find something out from Mandy at lunch . He was going to call her on the way to school . See what he could find out before lunch . All the while he was thinking he was rushing to get ready and get downstairs . There was no way he was going to let Trent win this race . Trent was in the shower and thinking he needed to slow down he wanted to make sure that Michael had time to win . Michael was out of the shower and drying off , and finishing at the sink brushing his teeth and brushing out his hair . He dashed to get his clothes on , in about two minutes Michael was dressed he looked at the bed and felt he should make it just like he did everyday but this was one day he would take advantage of his new home and let the staff do it , he had never had that pleasure . Quietly he opened his door and listened for Trent he could hear him still getting ready . He closed his door as quietly as he had opened it and took off down the hall to the steps to head for the kitchen . He ran down the stairs through the living room and jogged into the kitchen . Sarah , Danny , Randy and Yvonne were sitting at the table . All three of the kids looked at Michael first and then Sarah . Sarah didn 't like the kids running in the house she was always afraid that somehow they would get hurt . " Good morning Michael I 'm glad to see you running this morning , but there will be none of that in the house , if you break a leg running , I 'll have to break the other . Then there would be issues of having to take care of you with a nurse and doctors . Michael stood stone still for a few seconds and could see the twinkle and gleam in her eyes . He had been had . " Yes mam it won 't happen again , Trent bet me he 'd be down here first . I couldn 't let him win . " Randy , Danny and Yvonne all laughed knowing their brother hated losing at little games like this . All three decided at that point that Michael would fit in just fine . " Is there something I could make you Michael , I know you haven 't had time to sit with Josh or I but once we know what you like more for breakfast we will be more prepared , but never mind that , just tell me what you want and I 'll make it for you . You can have eggs , pancakes , French toast . I can have any of those ready in a few minutes , so don 't worry about how long things take , most of it is already prepared just in case someone wants something different . " Michael felt awkward having so many choices it was over whelming almost . He understood instantly what Trent meant about the privileges of wealth and what it means . " He 'll have French toast I know it 's his favorite . " It was Trent . " But he won 't tell you that . So I 'm saying it for him Andy . And for the first week here I 'll bet it 's what he 'll have every morning . " Michael made a mental note not to have French toast tomorrow . " What bragging just because you beat me down here this morning ? Bet you didn 't make your bed this morning . . . . " Trent looked devilishly at Michael , knowing he didn 't have to make his bed he certainly didn 't make his . Now Michael was feeling guilty and unsure of himself and what Trent had said earlier about not making the bed and the staff would do it . Sarah could see the conflict going on in Michael and seeing the look on her son 's face she put two and two together quickly . " That reminds me Trent , did you get yours made this morning . You must have forgotten to make it yesterday to . " Trent became a stone statue knowing his mother was going to successfully pull the rug out from under his little joke . " Well there Michael , you still win the race you two were having this morning . " She smiled at Michael and he knew exactly at what had just taken place and he punched Trent squarely on the shoulder . Trent winced as Michael pulled back like he was going to hit him again . Randy and Yvonne yelled in unison . " Do it again , hit him again Michael ! " " I should , shouldn 't I ? Michael looked at Trent and then glanced at Randy and Yvonne tried to decide . Trent broke the silence . " I 'm sorry Mikey you win I give up . I promise not to do that again . Between the four of you I 'm afraid I 'll get killed if I don 't give up now . " Trent pulled Michael over and kissed him knowing that his bashfulness would get him flustered and not know what to do . It worked . Michael got flustered and wasn 't sure what to do so he sat down and Andy came in behind them bringing their breakfast to the boys and refilled their coffee cups . " The four of you should get moving or you 'll be late for school . Am I taking you three to school or are you taking the bus today ? " Sarah was now playing the matriarch role with the five of them . Randy and Yvonne both requested a ride to school and she knew that Trent would take his truck and Michael with him . Danny flip - flopped like the wind so it was down to his decision so she would know what to do . She loved taking her children to school but she was looking forward to the day when the last three had their own cars and could drive themselves . Bringing up nine children was taking its toll , add the others like Michael that added a joyful stress for Sarah and Clay but the fact remained that some days she did tire from it . Randy and Yvonne got up and were getting their things together and Sarah got up to take them . Michael pulled Randy towards him and whispered something in his ear and Randy nodded his head and walked away . " Come on Yvonne , we 'll meet you in the car Mom , Michael has something to say to you . " And the three teenagers walked outside . Danny had decided to take up the ride with the rest of them . Sarah turned towards Michael and he got up from the table and approached her . " I just want to say thank you for everything and the way I have been treated here . Last night was the first time in my life that when I woke up it was with no fear and it was a welcome change and all because of what you and Clay have done for me , it truly was wonderful to wake up that way . " Michael leaned forward and kissed Sarah on the cheek . " You 're more than welcome Michael and if you need someone to talk to who 's older let 's say . I 'll be more than willing to listen and try to help without telling you what to do unless that 's what you ask of me . " It was her turn to lean forward and kiss Michael on the cheek . She turned and told the two of them to keep moving that the clock was ticking for them to . " Come on Little Buddy , we got to get moving . Call your sister and see about getting your books or whatever you need . " " Yeah I will , listen I 'll go out and be in the truck because I 'm ready to go , it will give me a few minutes to talk to Mandy . " " Okay I 'll be there in a few minutes , here take my keys and start the truck . " Trent gave Michael his keys and went towards the upstairs to get his books for school . Michael turned the other way and went outside to Trent 's truck , got in and got it started . He pulled out his cell phone and hit the speed dial for Mandy 's cell . " Yes I did Mandy , for the first time in I can 't remember how long . How are things on the war front ? I should ask first if you could talk first ? " " Well let 's just say that Trent didn 't tell me everything when we first met . But he comes from a very wealthy family . I had breakfast made by one of their two chefs this morning ! " Michael was like a little kid telling his sister this piece of information . " Oh no , there are fourteen bedrooms in the house and nine bathrooms . The living room is thirty - five feet by fifty - feet sis , the house is huge , and they even have an indoor swimming pool . A stable with about twenty or so horses wait until you see this place Mandy . Trent never told me his parents have money . But never mind that what 's up with Mom and Dad what are they saying ? " " I know Mandy , I was shocked when we pulled into the driveway and I saw the house . Well Trent is coming so we 'll be leaving in about two minutes so you 'll have to wait , if we get to late just leave my bag in the office and I 'll pick it up there . " Trent got into the truck and pulled out from the driveway and just began heading towards the school as Michael continued his conversation with his sister . He slid his hand over to Michael 's leg and rested his hand there . " That 's okay , he 's more than welcome you know that . I 'm glad you two are okay . " " Me to Mandy and we 'll see you then . " " I know you do , I never doubted that with you . Bye Sis " Mandy hung up her phone and Michael put his away at the same time . He just looked at the window . Trent didn 't say anything at first giving Michael some time to think about what ever he was thinking . They drove almost all the way to school before Michael said anything . " I 'm sorry Trent , I was just thinking . Mandy told me that my parents aren 't really saying anything in front of her , actually she said they aren 't talking at all , my mother is totally pissed at my father . But I still don 't know where she stands with me being gay . I don 't want to call her until I know how she feels Trent . " " Yes I know you will . " Michael picked up Trent 's hand and kissed it . " Mikey , I think we need to talk to Coach today . " " I think we need to tell him about us Michael and then he 'll understand what happened the other day between us . " The first thing Michael thought about was that Trent still had detention to serve . And now that they were back together if they told the Coach the truth Trent just might get out it . He wasn 't sure whether to be furious with him or just agree with him and help him get out of detention since Michael had no punishment . But this would mean that the Coach will definitely know that they are gay and that they are boyfriends , he wasn 't sure he was ready to face that yet . " Can we wait until right before we go to gym and I 'll let you know then if we should tell him ? I know you shouldn 't be in detention for what happened I 'm just hesitant to actually tell some one like the Coach . I don 't mind when we meet your friends that you want to tell because they are our age , not teachers who may or may not agree with our situation . If it 's really what you want to do I 'm just not so sure like you . " " Mikey , if you 're not ready to tell Coach this morning you just say . . . Trent I 'm not ready and we won 't tell him . End of conversation it 's that simple . I love you Mikey but I will not force you ever to tell some one that you 're my boyfriend or that you 're gay . I would never do that to you . And if some one asked me I 'd tell them I don 't know they would have to ask you and then as soon as I could I would tell you that some one had asked me that question and who it was . " They pulled into the parking lot and saw only a few other people coming in . " I think we might be late Trent , we better run to make class . Just go to class , I have to stop at the office and get my books and backpack , Mandy left them there for me and I 'll see you in class . " Trent was a little ahead of Michael he turned and began running backwards . " Okay boss , I 'm going to take off . I love you see you in class . " " Love you to , get moving . " Trent waved and turned forward and began running full throttle . Michael thought Trent moved gracefully when he ran . He wished he looked that good when he ran that fast , if he did he might actually try out for track if he did . Michael walked into the office and got his bag and decided to get a late slip because he knew he wouldn 't make it in time and then he 'd just have to come back and get one and then anyone else who was late would be there . He knew he 'd just save time in the long run . The first two periods were up before he realized it and each minute that passed made him feel sicker and sicker , he didn 't want to disappoint Trent , he knew that Trent was probably right about Coach . He got a gut feeling about the Coach even before Trent had said anything about what had seen . The two walked from second period towards the gym . " Have you decided what you want to do ? And please I do not want to pressure you into saying something you don 't want to . I don 't want that to , I want you to be comfortable as I am with this , if you aren 't I won 't . " Trent looked at Michael and just winked at him and smiled . Knowing that Trent was trying to reassure him that it would all be okay if they told the Coach . " Okay Trent , let class get started and once it does we 'll talk to him . I won 't be able to hold your hand for support since we 'll be in class . Just stay close as you can , I swear to god I feel like I 'm going to pass out . " Trent looked at Michael and Michael smiled at Trent and tried to send him a signal that it was okay . They changed into their gym uniform and headed for the outdoors they both knew that being outdoors would be ending soon the New England weather was already getting cold in the morning and at the moment they were lucky enough to be having an Indian summer . Gym class began and Trent and Michael both walked towards Coach . " Coach , the other day when Michael yelled at me , it was my fault I did make him mad . " Trent 's confidence was faltering some , now that he was actually telling the Coach , he thought it was going to be easier than this . But the more he talked to the Coach the more he slowed down . " Anyway I said something to him in regards to a . . . . well I 'm not exactly sure how to put this . But I . . . . " Michael reached over and stopped him from talking he stepped forward out from behind Trent . " What Trent is trying to say Coach is that Trent and I were having a fight over an event that happened the day before between the two of us . After it happened he ran out the door and I thought he had just used me for something . I learned later that wasn 't true . And I have forgiven him for what I thought had happened . Trent and I are a couple there 's no other way to say it . We 're gay . I hope that you won 't hate us or tell anyone about us but Trent wanted you to know the truth about what happened . Since then he 's proven to me how much he does care for me . My father threw me out of the house and Trent and his parents have taken me in so that I 'm not living in the street . We just wanted you to know so that you understood what happened and why . I guess why I 'm saying all this is so that Trent doesn 't have to keep going to detention for something that was really my fault . I did it in anger and I regret that now . I 'm the one that should have gotten the detention . " Michael stood a little closer to Trent and reached out his hand . Trent hesitated for a moment but he put his hand in Michaels and stepped right up next to him . The Coach just looked at the both of them for a moment and then told them to sit down if they wanted to hold hands so the rest of the guys didn 't see them doing it . The two sat . " First I want to tell you that I knew how much courage that took for you to say . And as your Coach I 'm honored that you chose me to tell . As you two have trusted me I will extend the same courage and tell you that I thought you two were a couple the other day and the only reason I came to that conclusion was because I have a partner who has been with me for almost twenty five years now and I will trust your silence just as you have trusted mine about you two . " The boys just looked at each other and smiled . " I have to be honest Coach when we came into class it was me that wanted to tell you . Michael told me he thought he was going to pass out before we got to you . And he 's the one that ended up telling you the whole story because I couldn 't find the words when I thought I could . " " In all my years with deciding whether to tell some people or not tell them I have never found it easier or harder . Every time it 's the same sickening feeling trying to figure out if you can trust some one or not and because of the subject , you just aren 't sure . I hate to tell the both of you that every time you want to tell some one , especially someone 's opinion you care about it 's the same struggle . Perhaps as times goes by it will become a non issue . At least nowadays more people are accepting it and each year the kids get younger and younger who stand up and say hey I 'm gay and it 's okay . When I was your age , it was the last thing in the world that you wanted anyone to know . As far as your detention is concerned Trent I will make sure that it is taken off your record completely . If they say anything in the office I will tell them that someone had lied to me and when I find out who originally lied I will deal with it then . " " These are the keys to my office . You two have about twenty - five minutes before gym ends . You may use my personal shower to clean yourselves today , but only this one time . I know how hard it is to find time to be alone at your age . I suggest you two move quickly and quietly . I expect to find you in the changing room , cleaned , changed and ready for your next class when I walk into the changing room . Starting now . " The two turned and walked quickly to their lockers and got their belongs and entered the coaches office and locked the door . Michael walked in front of Trent to the shower and turned it on to get the water hot . He turned away from the shower and began removing his uniform Trent was removing his sneakers and had already removed his top . Within minutes both boys were naked and standing in the Coaches shower . Trent got the soap and began to wash Michael starting with his back from his neck down to the top of his ass ; he slowly began washing his left arm starting at the neck and down to the end of his fingers . He moved to the other side and repeated the process on his right arm . Moving in front of Michael he had enough lather on his hands to begin under his chin and work his way right down to his genitals , he worked Michael 's cock and washed his balls at the same time . Michael had taken the soap and worked his way behind Trent and began the same process that Trent had done from his neck to his ass , each arm just as Trent had done and then from under his chin down to his dick and then fondling his balls with the heavy lather in his hands . Michael gave Trent the soap and turned to face the wall putting his hands on the wall and spreading his legs apart . As if crucified to the wall , Michael stood there quietly waiting for his lover to take his body and use it for his pleasure . " Take me Trent quickly and roughly , take me and shove your cock into my ass . I want you to show me that you are my master in life . I am yours to use . Do not waste time , we don 't have a lot , fuck me until I cum . " " Before I do this Little Buddy , I need you to kiss me for a minute then I will take you as you wish and I will not be gentle as you have asked . If at any time I do hurt you , all you have to do is say stop Trent . And I will , but without those two words , I won 't . Now kiss me . " Michael turned and moved to Trent and began kissing him using his soap lathered hands to rub Trent 's ass and finger him at the same time , roughly just as he wanted Trent to do to him . Trent moaned with pleasure as he stuck his tongue into Michael 's mouth and Michael whimpered as he felt Trent fingering him at the same time . " I love you Michael , now you are my bitch . " And Trent removed his thumb from Michaels ' ass and replaced his cock gently at his entrance . Trent shoved his entire cock into Michaels ' asshole almost lifting him off the ground when he shoved it into him . He held Michael by his wrists and began pounding him as hard as he could . Never had he imagined that he could do this to Michael but it was what he wanted and he didn 't want to disappoint Michael at all . He was proud of his lover , he was the one that was weak and couldn 't tell the Coach . It was Michael who stood proudly and told the Coach that he loved Trent . He wanted Michael to have what he wanted now for his bravery and fearlessness in telling the Coach . His love turned him on even more , pounding Michael harder with each thrust of his cock , and Michael kept asking for more , telling Trent that he was being so good , his master was wonderful , he would do anything for his master and Trent fucked him harder , slamming his smaller body into the wall . The hot water was cascading down right in between them . Trent began kissing Michael 's neck and telling Michael that he loved him over and over . Trent could feel his balls beginning to tighten . " I want you to cum for me bitch ? " Michael whimpered and nodded his consent . Trent pulled him away from the wall and reached around and grabbed Michael 's dick in his hand and began to pump his dick as he continued slamming into his hole . Michael leaned forward holding the wall for support and began to whimper and moan louder . Trent barked his command for Michael to cum and he wanted him to cum now . Michael moaned and begged Trent for him to tell him again to cum . Trent fucked Michael for all he was worth and he could feel the hot cum leaving his balls and beginning to come up through his cock and he screamed at Michael to fucking cum . Michael 's cum splashed the wall as Trent unloaded and emptied his balls into Michaels ass . He felt the heat of Michaels cum as he continued to pump his cock and slowly he began to slow down both jacking off Michael and pumping his hole . Michael and Trent both dropped their heads and stood beneath the running water . Trent gently kissed Michael on the back of his neck . " I love you Michael and I 'm proud of you for standing up today when I let you down and I couldn 't do it . I love you more than I thought Michael Evans . I will stay with you where ever you go , as long as I make you happy and you will have me . " " I love you to Trent more than I thought I could love another person . I 'm proud to have you as my boyfriend . That was wonderful what you just did to me . I hope I can walk to our next class . " They chuckled and began to separate and finish their shower . They cleaned themselves off and made sure their cum was washed down the drain . They dressed and unlocked the Coach 's office and were sitting on the bench by their lockers . They kissed each other gently and held hands as they faced one another on the bench . They heard the voices growing louder as the rest of the class started coming into the locker room . They just sat there and smiled at one another until the Coach returned . Yesterday 's incident was almost forgotten , they were still in the glow from their latest round of sex . " Evans and Sanders , in my office . The boys looked at one another and followed the Coach 's order . With the door open and loud enough for all to hear the Coach told them both to not repeat the argument they had the other day . If it was repeated they 'd be cleaning his office again as they had done today . Both boys looked at the Coach as he winked at them . " Can I rest for the rest of the day before I have to do it again ? Mr . Sex Pot ! " They laughed and made their way to meet Mandy . She was sitting at a table and had saved them seats to sit across from her and Jackie . Mandy let Michael know that it was okay to talk in front of Jackie and that she could be trusted . They left their backpacks on their seats and went to go get their lunch . They ate their lunch together and Mandy told Michael that she hadn 't talked to either one of their parents since the morning when she left for school so nothing had changed on the home front at this time . Michael had decided that he was going to hear where his mother stood on the gay issue before he made contact with her directly , for now Mandy agreed to be the messenger between the two , but nothing beyond messenger and Michael agreed with her position . Trent and Michael finished off their lunch and headed off for their last three classes of the day . They where heading home to Trent 's and now Michael 's house . They were deciding on what to do for the night . They both had to work tonight and Trent would go to work and let Michael take the truck to work and when he was done Michael could go back and pick him up from his job . They made it home and worked on their homework until it was time to go . It was almost midnight by the time they got home and they raided the fridge looking for something to eat . They both had a sandwich and talked for a few minutes about Friday . " I can tell you that Jason and Emily asked what we where doing and Brock and Sue wanted to know if we wanted to go to the movies . I don 't know what Jason has planned , I think he wants to know if we had plans already and they just want to hang with us . And John and Eric talked to me in English this morning and they wanted to know about getting some beer and going drinking . I already told them that I doubted that you and I would be into that . And the last option is Annie and Sarah who want to go line dancing if want to do that . Unless you want for just you and I go out for the night . And before I forget are you working on Saturday ? " " First I have to work Saturday morning early , but I 'll be done by ten so I really have the whole day off I just have to work five o ' clock to ten o ' clock . " " You can take the truck Saturday morning to go to work , sorry Mikey but I 'm not getting up that early to take you to work . Sorry Little Buddy you 're on your own that morning . I 'm off Saturday but I have a long day on Sunday . " " I 'm off all day Sunday , but that 's okay it will give me the day to stay at the house and work on homework . I 'm going to have to see if Mandy can get my computer I 'm going to need it to do my term papers and other homework . I 've got spreadsheets to do for my business math class . " The pair of them finished up and placed dirty dishes in the sink and headed upstairs to their bedrooms . Trent was staying in front and walked towards Michael 's door instead of his . " You have a five minute limit tonight Trent , I want to go to bed and get another night 's sleep like last night . I slept like a rock last night . " " I 'll think about it Cupcake . " Trent looked at Michael while calling him the newest nickname and winked at him . " Before we go in Michael I 'm warning you now that Dad went shopping today for you there are some things on the bed we need to deal with tonight and then you can get to bed . It will be better if we do it tonight that way we won 't have to tomorrow night . And remember you 're considered one of the family , which has it 's privileges and it 's drawbacks , please accept these things from my parents because they care about you now mostly because you are my boyfriend , secondly because you have been thrown out of your house . And they want you to be comfortable and not have to worry about anything . Okay ? " Michael looked at Trent with his hands now locked across his chest looking very defensive . Trent knew that some of the things that his parents were planning on were going to make Michael uncomfortable . " Come on and just trust me and relax and just enjoy my parents generosity , my father loves sharing Michael . I know you well enough to say that if you were in my father 's position you would be the same kind of person . Willing to help others less fortunate because you had the money to do it . And don 't try and lie to me and tell me different Mikey , I know you better than that . You proved it today when you stepped in front of me and told Coach , as nervous as you were , once you saw me struggling , you stepped in and took over so that I wouldn 't be uncomfortable , you were trying to get me to relax and stop me from struggling even though it meant that you were going to tell him yourself . " Michael looked at Trent and smiled , dropping his crossed arms and pulling Trent towards him . " Have I told you that I love you lately ? " He made him bend down so he could kiss him on the forehead and stepped back . Remind me to do that as many times as you need to while your parents do these things and just remind me how I 'd be doing the same because you 're right , I probably would if I was in his position . " Trent held out his hand and told Michael to close his eyes and to keep them shut he took Michael into the room and turned on the lights and told Michael to open his eyes . Michael stood still and was half afraid to open his eyes to see what Trent 's parents had done . He caught himself before yelling out seeing the boxes on the bed . " Holy shit Trent what didn 't they buy ? " Trent laughed and assured him it looked like more than it actually was . Michael looked at Trent and seriously doubted that it was as much as it looked like . " Come on , I don 't want to be here all night . Open the computer first . Michael started opening the box and realized he needed some scissors or something sharp to help get the computer out of the box . Trent handed him a bag knowing what he was looking for . Inside the bag was an assortment of things that you need to put a desk together , scissors , stapler , rubber bands , pens , makers , rulers , a small hand held financial calculator , And a slew of other things . He removed the scissors and continued to remove the computer . It was an HP TouchSmart 320 - 1030 Desktop computer . Sitting next to it was an HP Wireless Printer and Scanner , Copier and Fax machine all rolled into one . On top of the printer box was an Apple iPod 8GB with a 24 - hour battery and radio . Trent was busy setting up Michael 's computer . Michael sat on the bed speechless looking at stuff that he hadn 't opened yet . He could tell that he had about ten reams of paper , a few where white but the rest were assorted colors . " Did you know about all of this Trent ? " Trent continued working trying to avoid answering Michael 's question . Michael watched Trent as he purposely tried to stay focused and ignore Michael . Michael cleared his throat several times each time getting a little louder . Trent stopped what he was doing and sheepishly looked over at Michael . " All right I won 't lie to you , Dad called me during study and you were talking to someone so I told him I could talk . So he asked me what I thought you needed . I said just look at my desk and make a list of every thing on top of my desk and all the little things inside my desk . So that 's what he did , I think my mother added a few things . " Michael I know that , you hadn 't even been to my house until that night that you called me . You called me because deep down even though you were mad at me I think you knew that I would help you anyway . If you already had known where I lived believe me I would have questioned you being thrown out and probably would have told you that you could stay a few days but then you 'd have to be out . So I want you to stop worrying about this and just let them do what they love doing anyway . " Michael walked over to the desk and sat on Trent 's lap . He hugged him as tightly as he could , but he refused to cry so he let go and just kissed him and went back to the bed . Trent went back to work setting up the printer to the computer . As the boys worked there was a knock on the door . Michael spoke up first . " Come on in . " The door opened and Trent 's parents walked into the room . It surprised Michael he really thought he wouldn 't see them until the morning . At that exact moment his emotional state was still fragile having just hugged Trent and then came back to work so he wouldn 't cry . But now the Sanders stood in front of him and he wanted more than anything to say thank you . Clay spoke up first . " I 'm glad to see you 're busy getting yourself set up . I know you weren 't expecting me to do this but you need all of these things for school and then college . And as I said before I enjoy helping people when I feel the situation calls for it , as does Sarah . I know Trent has talked to you about going clothes shopping . I know Trent knows what to get you so I 'll let you and him handle it I gave him one of my company 's credit card . I just want to tell you that I insist that you are not bashful and I hope that you don 't keep looking at the prices , they don 't concern Sarah and I so I don 't want them bothering you , we do this because we have the money and it should be shared when necessary . Does this help you accepting these gifts a little easier ? " Michael looked at Trent and he could see the look of distress in Michael 's eyes and thought it was because he knew if he talked he was going to cry . He got up and went to Michael and held out his hand , Michael stood up and put his hand in Trent 's and smiled , and swallowed hard . " I want to thank the both of you from the bottom of my heart , I don 't know how I 'll ever repay you . The only thing I can say is that if the day comes and I 'm as successful as you have been sir , I will do the same to repay the kindness you have shown a total stranger in your house by repeating the same to another stranger that may need help . " Michael was holding Trent 's hand for all he was worth . Trent squeezed Michael 's hand to let him know he was doing just fine . " If you make that promise then you will owe me nothing Michael , because I believe in the short time I 've come to know you that you are a man of your word . Even at your young age , I truly believe that you mean what you say . And even though you can 't see him Trent is agreeing with me . Michael turned his head to look at Trent and he was still shaking his head . That being said , there is one more big thing that we 'd like to do for you and I don 't want to hear an argument , Sarah and I have already agreed on this so there is no point in trying to get out of it or stop it . It 's a situation of you can pick or I will pick and I 'd rather see you pick out this present because it will be yours , paid in full . Trent knew what was coming and he moved directly in back of Michael and put his arms around him and held both of his hands and squeezed them at the same time . " Not this weekend by the following weekend on Saturday I will need you to take off work and we are going car shopping . It will only be you and I , unless you really want Trent to come along but I 'd prefer if we could this together and just you and I . I 'll give you time to think if you can handle the day with just you and I or not . In the meantime between now and next Saturday I want you to do some online shopping and see and think about what you want . I know I can safely say that you will make a good financial decision because I know you want to be a Financial Analyst . So I 'm not worried that you 'll look at the coolest most expensive thing you can get . The only thing you have to pay for is your gas . Your call will be insured by my companies , all my children are still on my policies for things like cars . " Michael felt like he couldn 't breath and he was sure that he was going to lose it the minute he opened his mouth . Trent could feel Michael 's body slightly trembling and he very calmly took a deep breath and quietly told Michael to do the same and then he told him to just take his time . Michael leaned against Trent and took a deep breath . His eyes gave him away and Sarah took notice of Michael 's discomfort . She walked slowly over to Michael and put her arms around him and gave him a motherly hug . " Everything will be okay Michael , you 'll go with Clay next week and you pick out what you decide is best for you . I have little doubt that you will make a responsible decision in this matter , as does Clay . Otherwise , we would make the decision for you . Trent made his choice as have most of our children but there 's been a few that didn 't get the choice . So enjoy looking for you , don 't be afraid to ask questions to either one of us if you have any before next Saturday . Now enough of this money talk and tell me how you are doing other wise today ? Have you talked to you sister ? And did she tell you anything about your parents ? " " Yes mam , I 'm feeling better today and actually had an incident today that gave me a shot of confidence in telling people I am gay . That 's a first for me and it 's a strange feeling . I did talk to my sister and all she knows is that my parents aren 't talking in front of her but she is sure that my mother is still angry with my father and is not talking to him , at least in front of my sister . So she isn 't sure . I told her to pass a message to my mother that I 'm okay and where I 'm at so she knows . But I 'm not going to call her until I know where she stands on me being gay . Once I know that I 'll know how to approach them , either together or at least my mother . " " I 'm glad to hear that as I 'm sure Clay is to , we are both concerned and will help you in any way we can if you feel you need us . What I should say is that if the time comes and you want to talk to your parents or your mother , you might feel better inviting them here instead of going home . This is a neutral place , sort of . And we could be here to help you if it 's needed . So just keep that thought in the back of your head as this problem you 're having with your parents plays out Michael . Our door is open if you need us ; don 't hesitate to call us at any time if you need us . Make sure Trent puts our cell phone numbers and all other important numbers in the Sanders household programmed into your cell and tomorrow morning please remind me at breakfast to get yours and I 'll make sure Clay gets it to . Ask Randy , Danny and Yvonne for theirs , once you have your car you might get called as a big brother to pick them up or drop them off on occasion which I 'm sure you won 't mind . " " Well don 't stay up too late boys , this can wait for tomorrow or Saturday . " Sarah and Clay left the room and closed the door on their way out . Michael turned to Trent and looked at him unsure what to say at first . Before he could say anything he put his finger to Michael 's lips to keep him quiet and he pointed at the door and pointed at his ear to indicate that his parents might be listening on the other side still . He stared laughing and Trent followed in his footsteps . " Can we not talk about that now Trent . You already know how I feel about all this and now I have to go and buy a car . It 's certainly not a position that I thought I would ever be in Trent . And to be honest , I 'm not sure how to handle it Babe . " Trent looked over at Michael and watched as Michael went through some of the things ripping the packages apart with a little too much force . He stopped what he was doing and went over to the bed where Michael was . He put his hands on top of Michael 's and pressed down until Michael stopped . " Stop Babe , we 've done enough . We 'll stop for now and just put the rest aside . " Michael stood up and hugged Trent and started crying . " Come on now it 's okay you 're just getting too tired . Let 's clean this bed off and just get ready for bed . You 've been on an emotional roller coaster since your argument with your father . Well I 'll tell you what after work on Saturday why don 't you make sure that after work you come home and if the weather is decent I 'll take you horseback riding for a nice leisurely slow ride down in the meadows , we 'll have a lunch maybe take a swim in one of the ponds that are located throughout the meadow on the lowest part of our property . " " Deal accepted Little Buddy , now let 's get this mess picked up a little and get our asses in bed I 'm getting tired and I can see it in your eyes that your ass is dragging just as much as mine is and don 't even try to deny it , I can see it LB . I think I like that better than saying Little Buddy . It 's much easier . LB . " Trent was laughing at his own sense of humor , which Michael found , amusing and began laughing with him . " You 're on Big Boy , we 'll see who 's at the table first in the morning . " Michael and Trent hugged each other and starting kissing each other a little more seriously and began to enter each others mouth using their tongues . Michael could feel Trent 's erection pressing against his abdomen and he pressed against it and moaned into Trent 's mouth . Trent began to lick around Michael 's chin and down his neck . Trent was becoming hungry for Michael and Michael knew it . " Stop Trent , please . Stop now we can 't do this now . You know your parents might still be awake and could come back in a few minutes . " Trent bent down and set his forehead on Michael 's shoulder and moaned inwardly acknowledging Michael 's sexual appetite was as easily ignited just as Trent 's . Michael walked Trent to his door and pushed him outside of his room . " " Geez you are a shit head tonight . " Trent smiled at Michael and laughed as he made his way to his own bedroom . Michael had already closed his door and was still clearing some things off his bed . He realized there was still a few bags that he didn 't even look in and realized he was going to have to go through all of them to make sure he didn 't miss anything . He wasn 't sure how he felt with the way he was being treated a small part of him loved it but for the most part Michael felt guilty for being on the receiving end of such kindness it 's something that he had never experienced growing up at least not on this scale . He wondered if he was making the right decision and then Trent 's father wants to buy him a car that he doesn 't have to pay for , why ? Why was he so generous , was this seriously just as he says or is there another reason behind it ? But why would Sarah go along with this if it weren 't what it seemed ? Surely Trent wouldn 't mislead Michael into something that wasn 't right . Everyone was so nice including the staff was too much of a good thing really a good thing ? His upbringing was talking loudly inside his head . When something was too good to be true it usually was . But it wasn 't just that , his gut was saying it was okay and that every thing would turn out . He just wasn 't sure how . He finally got it all cleared off the bed and he crawled in . He was going to jerk off but fell asleep within minutes of closing his eyes . He dreamed that night and woke sweating several times . Unable to shake the recurring dream , every time he closed his eyes he would begin to dream again almost immediately picking up where he left off . The next time he woke up shouting and shaking . Trent came into the bedroom and Michael could see the light in the hallway was on . " Can you stay with me , every time I fall asleep I keep going back to the same dream and it happens almost instantly . " " Let me ask Mom if it 's okay Mikey , I 'll be right back . " Trent went out into the hall and Sarah was standing there and had been listening . She knew that he needed rest he was still stressed over the whole situation and she was concerned for his welfare , now she was being a mother for a child that was struggling with a huge problem . " Why don 't you stay with him tonight Trent ? I want you two to stay home from school tomorrow . He needs to sleep in a get some sleep . If you sleep with him he might relax enough to get the rest he needs . I think the only reason he slept so well last night was sheer exhaustion . And no funny business Trent . Your friend is in need of a friend , not his boyfriend and I know you know the difference in what I 'm saying . " Trent looked at his mother . " Yes mam , I do . Don 't worry nothing will happen I 'll just make sure he 's okay and we 'll sleep in tomorrow . I 'll shut off his alarm so he doesn 't wake up hopefully . Are you going to be home in the morning after you take Danny , Randy and Yvonne to school ? " " Yes , that will be the only time I 'm gone . I want to talk to him tomorrow if I can Trent , I can tell that your fathers desire to help him is also causing him more stress and hopefully I can calm him down or I might have to talk to your father and get him to hold back on his desire to help Michael that waiting to help him might be a better plan . I think he needs to adjust to being out of his house first and then being showered with all kinds of gifts . Don 't worry about taking him shopping just yet . Let him bring up the subject with your father and just play it off and see how he takes it for now Trent . But we 'll talk tomorrow . Go to sleep with Michael like your brother Stephen use to with you when you were having a bad night . " Trent kissed his mother on her cheek and walked back into Michael 's room . " She might be right Trent , come on let 's go to bed maybe knowing you 're with me I might be able to finally get some sleep . " Trent got into bed with Michael and turned off the light on the side table . Michael was facing the other way so Trent pulled him against " Go to sleep Mikey and just remember I 'm right here and I love you . If you need me just wake me up . " Michael pulled Trent 's arm up to his chin and held it . His whole body just melted into Trent 's . His small size made it easy for Trent to wrap his body around Michaels and just hold his all over . Michael fell asleep but this time there were no more dreams . The rest of the night passed without interruption . Sarah poked her head into the bedroom when she woke in the morning and saw the two of them in bed with Trent holding Michael . She smiled remembering the times that his older brothers would sleep with him when he had nightmares and they would be sleeping the same way . They had held Trent as if they were protecting him . And know he was doing the same thing . She realized that her son really did love Michael and she hoped it would last for them , she liked Michael whether he stayed or not , she liked the boy . She pulled the door shut and went down for breakfast and warned Joshua that the boys were sleeping in that Michael had a bad night so she was keeping them both home . She didn 't want them bothered this morning make sure any of the staff that comes in to stay out of upstairs until the boys come down for breakfast . Sarah called the school and got both of the boys excused for the day saying that she would provide a note for them on Monday . The only one she worried about was Michael she knew that he calls his sister in the morning to see how things were going and for now she didn 't know how to get in touch with his sister . She called back the school and left a message for Mandy to call her as soon as possible , she asked the secretary she spoke with to tried not alarm Mandy that everything was okay but she needed to talk to her to let her know what was going on . It took about twenty - five minutes before she heard from Mandy . " Hi Mandy , this is Trent 's mother . I just wanted to call you and let you know what was going on this morning with Michael and him not being in school . I didn 't want you to worry . I know you two talk first thing and I knew if you didn 't hear from Michael this morning you would worry . " " No , he had a bad night of sleep last night he was dreaming and I one point he was shouting and I woke up and had Trent sleep with him . So that perhaps he would sleep better . I didn 't hear another sound after Trent went into his room to sleep . I have called them both out for the day so that perhaps Michael will relax some , he hasn 't had a chance since it happened to really just slow down and think about it , between work and school and trying to adjust to new surroundings . I want you to know that you are welcome to come visit him here any time Mandy , you 're his sister and I think you two are close by the way he talks and a visit might do him a world of good . Are you free after school today ? Good why don 't you come over ? Do you know where we live ? Well I 'll have Michael call you at lunch so he can tell you how to get here , it 's easy to find don 't worry . " " I want to thank you for helping Michael . I don 't know if he told you but Michael and I are twins and are very close . It 's why we talk every morning . My father isn 't being very good right now as far as I 'm concerned but I still live there so I have to pretty much say nothing . And both of my parents aren 't talking to each other , which means they are barely talking to me at the same time . So it will be nice to come over there after school instead of going home right away . Tell Michael that I 'll wait to hear from him and thank you to taking care of Michael I know how hard he 's taking this . " " Yes he is and that 's why after him dreaming like he was last night I decided to keep him here and I kept Trent here as well so that he 'd have someone to talk to just in case he felt like he needed someone . And I will make sure he calls you by lunchtime Mandy . And thanks for calling me back I feel better that you know what 's going on , like I said I knew you two were talking first thing in the morning . Well I look forward to meeting you today after school Mandy . " At ten o ' clock Sarah was beginning to wonder if she should go up and wake them or just let them both sleep . She knew that it had been hard on the both of them in the past few days and Sarah wasn 't aware of Trent running out of the house or what happened in gym class and the boys coming out to their Coach . But she knew her son and she could read children enough to know that Michael had been through a lot emotionally in the past few days . It was catching up with the both of them and she decided to let them sleep . Ten minutes later she heard their voices coming down the stairs and few seconds later two still sleepy teenagers came into view . " That was considerate of you Trent to think about that , I didn 't even think of that one today . How do you feel Michael , did you finally get some sleep with Trent in there with you ? " Michael smiled knowing that Trent had told him how direct his mother can be sometimes . " Yes mam I did I thank you for letting him stay with me . Once he got into bed I don 't think I lasted two minutes and I was out and the dreams stopped once he was holding me . " Michael turned about fifty shades of red realizing what he had said . Trent started laughing at him . Sarah told Trent to knock it off and not to pick on Michael . " It 's all right Michael , I peeked in on you two this morning very early right before I came downstairs and saw the two of you sleeping . It 's how his brothers use to hold him when he would dream at night and have a hard time sleeping , usually it was Stephan but his other older brother Peter would sleep with him sometimes too and they always slept the same way you two were sleeping this morning when I looked in on you . " Michael immediately realized and made a mental note that from now on there would no more nights of sleeping naked , especially if something that happened like last night and she peeks in and he has no sheets on him , he have to make sure he was wearing some old gym shorts to bed from now on . Joshua brought out some fresh coffee for the boys told them he was making French toast and it would be ready in a few minutes . Michael wondered when Trent ordered that this morning he didn 't see him go into the kitchen and Joshua didn 't ask them what they wanted . Andy must have said something to Joshua between yesterday morning and this morning . He would have to make sure to thank Joshua for the breakfast . " I talked to your sister this morning Michael and I told her why you were still here and that it was me who called you out of school . And also that you would be sure to call her at lunchtime and I invited her to come and visit you after school . So make sure you tell her how to get here . " " And while we are talking about plans , after breakfast I 'd like to sit and talk to you Michael . And don 't panic or worry about it , it 's not serious I just want to talk to you a for a little while , I just want to get to know you a little more , that 's it , and please don 't worry . " Trent looked at Michael and raised his eyebrows at him . " Trent Clay Sanders do not to that to Michael , he is in no such trouble or in any hot seat . Michael you have my full permission to smack him up side the side of his head . And I 'll gladly hold him down while you hit him a few times , you get a couple because he 's bigger than me and we can work as a team I figured and we can beat him up . " Sarah and Michael looked at each other and laughed . " Never mind what I said Michael I wasn 't serious , and there will be no teams for anyone today , or ganging up and doing any beating or poking of any kind . Especially if it doesn 't involve me being on the team , or the team that 's doing the poking or smacking or whatever . Two against one isn 't fair . I 'm protesting " " Oh my who 's crying now Big Boy ? Don 't worry Trent I 'll go easy on you but only because you took care of me last night when I couldn 't sleep . Which I do appreciate by the way . I did sleep better once you were there beside me , thanks Trent , I mean it . " " Don 't worry Mikey I 'll teach you how to ride and I 'll make sure you get one of the shorter horses that is gentle and is not a runner , believe me Michael , I will make sure that nothing happens to you . I 'd die if anything happens to you LB , so think about it , we can pack a snack to take with this and maybe jump into one of the ponds , just wear you swim suit when we go , just wear them under your jeans . " Trent leaned over to Michael and kissed him on the forehead and his way to his neck . As he got to his ear he whispered " Make sure you wear a jock strap , especially with your low hangers . I just want to make sure they 're protected it 's all I 'm sayin . . . ! " Michael blushed and held his head down in his hands . " Your incorrigible you know that Einstein , without a doubt whatsoever , you are absolutely incorrigible ! " Trent just rolled his eye upwards as if to say whatever ! " I 'm going to call Mandy and see if there 's anything new . " " I 'm going up to take a shower and get ready to go so when you decide to go horseback riding later on today . " " Yeah I know but I like to see the look on your face when I call you little , that and trying to stand up taller like you think that 's going to help you not being called Little Buddy . Am I right Little Buddy ? " Michael turned quickly and smacked Trent on the back of the head . " Yes Michael , come with me into my office , this is for your ears only not the staff nor for Trent either . " She looked at Michael in hopes that she was giving him some kind of comfort , some kind of reassurance . " Sit down Michael , please . " I 've been writing for a few years now and have come to enjoy the feedback I get from you guys . A lot has to do with why I keep writing . I use to be a personal chef but no longer work , I 'm retired . Did so at the age of 49 . having fun just enjoying life . GayDemon uses cookies to ensure you get the best user experience . By using our service , you agree to our use of cookies . Please read our cookie policy for more information . / g , ' > ' ) ; l [ i ] . href = ' mailto : ' + t . value } } catch ( e ) { } } } catch ( e ) { } } ) ( document ) ; / * ]]> * / |
Riding up to the manor of the house she grew up in , Rhiannon rode straight to the stable . Currying an incredibly large stallion was a groom . She alighted from her horse and led Taliesin into a stall . The groom turned around and said , ' What in the name of the gods do ye think ye are doin ' there ? This be estate of Lord Conaway . This not be a tavern and ye canna be just droppin ' yer steed ' ere . " She faked a little girl voice and said , ' My father said I could ride Goliath . He gave me permission . So are you going to bridle him for me or shall I do it myself ? ' " She grinned at him and said , " Do you need any more proof than that ? ' Here , Parry - - I brought you some blueberries . I am sorry they got squished in my pockets . They were delicious ! ' " Parry 's face split in a grin . " Well , I 'll be ! Miss Rhiannon ! Thought I 'd ne ' er lay me eyes on ye agin ! Are ye home to stay ? " She turned her face away and patted Taliesin , ignoring the question . Just then Muir ran into the stable . He looked at Parry and then jumped up on him , knocking him down . He said , " That be MUIR ? Why , he be a mere pup when he left . But then , ye be a mere slip of a lass when ye left . " Rhiannon made her way to the manor house , Muir at her heels . She knocked on the front door . It doesn 't feel like home anymore . Do I even have one ? A man who she did not know opened the door . He closed the door . She turned to Muir and laughed . " Can you believe that , Muir ? KIcked out of my own childhood home ! She continued to laugh as she went around the rear . In reply to her knock , the door was opened . The cook , Mrs . Quincy , took one look at her and the dog and then threw out her arms . Mrs . Quincy bustled her inside . " I thought about you every day and twice on Sunday ! And you are just how I imagined you would have looked . Had you been allowed to stay here and grow up proper ! " The cook hurried to give her a glass of milk and some hot scones . She took them eagerly . " No one could match your scones , Mrs . Quincy ! " " Wonderful ! I shall catch up with you later . I had better get this over with . I need to see if I have a bed tonight or if I sleep in the stable . " They both stared each other down . He motioned for her to sit down . She did . The silence was palpable . " Alright , if you must know , I made a few mistakes . So I felt the time was right to come home and reacquaint myself with the family . " She left the room without a word . Lord Conaway ran his hands over his face . What to do with this unexpected problem that showed up on the doorstep , he thought . If she is in trouble with the order , then that is trouble I don 't need either . Lord Conaway ignored that and took Goliath out of the stall . He mounted his stallion and then said to Parry . " Don 't get too used to it . " " What do you expect , Rhiannon ? You have acted in a most disgraceful manner . Consorting casually with a pirate . Despicable lot , they are . They have been using my property for their ill - gotten gains . And I found out who it was . Captain Rhys Morgan . And from a fine family , he is ! Turns out he is the youngest son of Sir Owain Morgan . Had a promising career and educated at Cambridge until he fell in with his renegade uncle . Coincidentally , it turns out to be the very pirate you consorted with . The one who left you after he amused himself with your virtue . If I ever get my hands on him , he will pay . Not only for trespassing , but the humiliation he has brought upon this family and the Conaway name . I 'll hunt him down and when I find him , I 'll stretch his neck . " " Then I would say you had no choice in the matter . Save his worthless hide . Marry Lord Castlemaine and it is that or I will see Morgan hung . " " Rhiannon , it 's not so bad as that . Lord Castlemaine is willing to overlook your past - - indiscretion - - - in exchange for a young bride . And after you give him children - - - " Coldly , Rhodri said , " Watch what you say . He is scarcely older than me . As I was saying , all women want children . Lord Castlemaine would provide handsomely for them . And you . " He already has three . And they are older than me . " Dilys replied , " And you changed . What you did - - and are doing - - to Rhiannon , she never would have approved . She was Mother 's last gift to you . Instead of cherishing her , you got rid of her . It wasn 't her fault what happened to Mother . " Megan sat on the bed holding Rhiannon as she sobbed , grieving for the apparent desertion by Rhys . In between her cries , she haltingly said , " Something must have happened to him . Rhys would never do that ! He wouldn 't ! " Gwyneth added , " In time , Rhiannon , it all works out . In the end , all things are equal . Now . . . what dress , dear ? " she asked gently . Gwyneth shot her a look . Rhiannon stood up . She blew her nose in a handkerchief and with her red - rimmed eyes , defiantly threw the clothes in a pile . " Oh ! Terribly sorry , " the gentleman said . " I must have miscounted . " He dug another coin from his purse and reluctantly handed it to her . " An honest mistake . " " Of course it was , dove , " she said with a smile . " Come along , Fancy , " she said to one of the girls , a pretty sable - haired young woman in a bright red dress . " Be good to him , yeah ? " Renee walked to the back of the house where she kept the ledger . It was a large space , encompassing the kitchen and pantry , and a common area for eating and generally getting away from the clientèle . She made a few notations , then put Fancy 's money into one lock - box and her percentage into another . As she closed the ledger , she heard the shuffle of feet nearby . She gave a glance off to the side and saw Briggs standing near the doorway , grinning at her like a schoolboy . A coquettish smile played upon her lips as she straightened the lock - boxes on their shelves . They didn 't need straightening , but it gave her a little more time in the gaze of a man that didn 't look at her the way a starving dog would a fat roast . Renee de Bertrand dealt with men day in and day out , and for the most part she enjoyed being in their company . As long as they had manners , that is . She had never been a prostitute herself , but understood the trade well and had managed to establish the finest house in all of Barbados . In her view , just because these women had turned to prostitution to survive did not mean they should be treated as social outcasts . Her girls were healthy and happy , each of them there of their own free will . Renee treated them all with motherly compassion , making sure they were safe , educated , and taken care of . If someone decided to leave her employ for whatever reason , they were free to do so with no repercussions or animosity . Renee didn 't believe in burning bridges . Nor did she believe that anyone was truly irredeemable . She made sure to instil those beliefs in her girls . Her goal was to give them more than a place to work ; she wanted to give them hope . As Renee straightened the lock boxes , she thought back to a time when she was still known as Penelope Woolston , Pip to her friends and family . She laboured as a tavern wench in her home town of Penwyn on the easterly coast of Cornwall . The money wasn 't good , but it was an honest day 's work . Every spare penny she had , she squirrelled away for the day she could finally leave Cornwall for some place - any place - more exciting . Though she had no formal education , she was a voracious reader , devouring any book she could find that could tell her of life in other lands . Her father , Robert , had a modest trade as a tinsmith . He wasn 't the best at what he did , but he managed to provide for his wife and daughter . Pip 's obsession with leaving Penwyn was a source of irritation for him . He feared her wanderlust made her a bad marriage proposition . No man wanted a woman with her " head in the clouds and an eye down the road " for a wife , in his estimation . That suited Pip just fine . She had no desire to be tied down or answer to anyone . Her mother , Felicity , was quietly supportive of Pip 's ambitions , however . She would sometimes accept books as barter for her services as a laundress , and she would tuck them under Pip 's bed for her to discover later . Their private jokes about the book faeries coming to visit were a delight for both women , and kept Pip out of trouble with her father . Her mother 's encouragement helped her hold on to her dreams , even when she was certain they 'd never come true . Jack was a sailor aboard the merchant ship Laura Anne , in port to take on a shipment of tin and other goods . He kept to himself at first , content to pass the time as Pip did , reading a book . He didn 't seem at all the type to be making his life on the sea . He had good manners , was obviously educated , and rarely drank anything stronger than beer . His ship ported there every three months , and Jack would spend his time ashore at the tavern , reading . Pip would make a point of waiting on him , sometimes giving up half her tip money from him to the other girls to do so , all for the chance to find out what he was reading . And to find out more about him . Finding someone who seemed to be a kindred spirit in a tin town was an opportunity too good to pass up . And the other girls agreed with her that he was easy on the eyes . It didn 't take long for Pip to strike up a friendship with Jack . She began asking him about the books he was reading , and his favourite subjects and authors . The range of subject matter in which he was well versed surprised her . Philosophy , literature , ancient civilisations , natural science , art - - he seemed to have an interest in everything . A friendship was quickly sparked . She told him of her dreams to travel and see the world , and he told her of the different ports he had been to and the people there , fuelling her desires to be free to go where she wanted . Since the Laura Anne was in port every few months , Jack made a bargain with Pip . He would loan her as many books as she wanted , as long as she never stopped reading and learning . And foremost , that she never give up her dreams . " The world will not record the things we wish for but never try , " he told her . Pip took his words to heart . Her free time was spent reading and learning , and her time working was filled with thoughts of where she would rather be . Jack 's stories of the New World intrigued her greatly , and she read everything she could find about it . It was a wild and dangerous place , and Pip Woolston wanted to be at the heart of it all . In a short time , their friendship progressed from long talks by the fire to something far more intimate . Not a romance per se , but it served to alleviate their mutual loneliness . This arrangement suited them both just fine , as neither was interested in romantic commitment . They had both tried and failed in that arena before , and weren 't in a hurry to fail again . Pip made it clear that whenever Jack was in port , her bed was warm and waiting , and Jack was happy to oblige her . Their friendship over the next year a satisfying one , intellectually and physically . " Call it a guess , " said Benny . " The stack of books under the counter and the fresh linens you took three days ago gave it away . I 'll be taking a tuppence out of your pay for that , don 't be mistaken ! You 're not due fresh sheets for another two weeks . " " Why don 't you go down to the docks and see if his ship 's here ? " interrupted Grace , another tavern maid . She was ten years older that Pip , and was looked upon by the other girls there as sort of an older sister . " I 'll take care of things ' til you get back . " She cut a look at Benny . " And it won 't even cost you a tuppence . " She gave Benny a dismissive roll of her eyes and turned to Pip . " Never mind Old Tight - Pockets . You run along and find out about your lad . " Pip ran down the lane toward the docks , her sky - blue skirt flying in the gentle morning breeze as she did . She stopped at the top of the small hill that led to the quays and looked out over the harbour . Her heart sank a little when she saw that the Laura Anne wasn 't there . Nor was she anchored in the harbour , and there were no sails approaching that she could see . In a way , it was a relief that he hadn 't suddenly decided to end their friendship without explanation . But he was almost four days overdue . What happened to him ? She walked down the hill toward the harbour master 's shack , her feet feeling more leaden with each step . ' Maybe there was a storm , or there was a delay at the last port , ' she told herself as she put her hand on the door handle . ' No need to bother the harbour master . I 'll give it a couple more days . . . ' " I 'm sorry ! " said Mr . Smithers , the harbour master . He was a kindly , white - haired little man with a chubby face and ready smile . " I saw you come to the door , and when you didn 't come in I thought I 'd left the door locked again . Bother old age anyway , it makes you forgetful . " " Nonsense ! I pretty girl like you , pester me ? Why , you 'd only brighten my day . Now , come on inside . What is it you need , my dear ? " " Then you 're in the right place ! " Mr . Smithers laughed warmly . He opened up a large blue ledger . " Which one , and when was it due ? " Mr . Smithers ran his finger down the columns on the page and frowned . " Actually , four days ago . She 's very late indeed . I should have known something was amiss . The Henrietta and the Laura Anne almost always meet up on their way here . At the worst they 're no more than half a day apart . The Henrietta ported right on schedule . " He looked up from the book , his face full of concern . " I 'm sorry , but I don 't know what to tell you . Is a family member aboard ? " The man reached across the counter and put his hand on hers . " Well , they probably got delayed in port . Ships are always getting held up by slow warehouses , money squabbles , foul weather , and such . Nothing to worry yourself about . Your friend will be here soon enough . " Another week passed , and no word from Mister Smithers . Every morning , Pip would stand at the top of the hill and look out on the harbour , straining her eyes to see Jack 's ship , as if she could will it to come over the horizon . It never did . A week turned into a month , then three . She had gone to the hilltop less and less frequently , until she stopped going at all as her hope of Jack 's return evaporated . It was good while it lasted , she told herself . And like all good things . . . " Afraid so , missy , " said the first . " About three , maybe four months ago , give or take . Word is they became a prize of Iron Will Harkness hisself . Ruthless bastard he is . And he ain 't known for taking prisoners . Ye either join up with him , or die . " " I hope it were over quick for yer friend , miss , " the second said . " I 'm sorry for ye . Hell of a way for a man to go , what that lot do to ye . " She backed away from their table , running into another as she did . " Um , thank you . . . thanks . I , I have to . . . " Pip broke and ran from the public room of the tavern toward the back stairs and the seclusion of her own room . Benny and Grace watched in surprise as she fled . Grace gave him an angry look as she went to follow Pip . " Could you shut your yap for half a moment ? Something 's upset her , and I 'm going to find out what . " She snatched off her apron and threw it at him . " Then put this on and start serving ! If the string will reach around that belly of yours , that is . I 'm checking on Pip , and that 's the end of it . " Grace knocked softly on Pip 's door . There was no answer . She put her ear to the door , but couldn 't hear anything . She turned the handle and pushed gently , and the door opened . Pip was sitting on the bed with a book in her hand , staring at the floor in silence . " Yeah . Him . " Pip ran her hand over the cover of the book . " This was one of his favourites . About some bloke named Socrates by another named Xenophon . Took me forever to get the names right when I read them aloud . Always made Jack laugh when I botched them . Never mean like or anything . Just a gentle laugh , then he 'd help me say them right . " Pip looked at her friend . Grace could see a hundred emotions behind the girl 's eyes ; pain , sorrow , anger , despair , confusion . . . Those and more roiled just below the surface . " I don 't know , love , " Grace sighed . " Maybe you 're just in shock . " She pulled Pip close and stroked her hair . " It 'll come . Everybody grieves differently . Just give yourself some time . " The words sounded hollow to Grace . She could tell from the way Pip sat on the edge of her seat listening to Jack , the way she looked at him , the way she would laugh and play with her hair when he said something funny , that she did indeed know . But it didn 't matter now . Jack was gone , and Pip 's heart needed to heal . " You 're done for the night , young lady " said Grace . " Here . You lie back and don 't worry about work . I 'll take care of everything . Including Benny . " She stood and waited for Pip to lie down , and pushed the candle on the table closer to the bedside . " I 'll be back in a few minutes with a blanket and some hot cider for you . " Grace quietly closed the door , leaving Pip to the silence of her room . Pip took a deep , shuddering breath , and looked at the book that was still in her hands . She ran her slender finger along its spine , then opened it at page 1 and began to read . And as she did , a solitary tear rolled down her cheek . It was a muggy June evening , and the Dog and Doublet was standing room only with patrons . The harbour was choked with a dozen or more ships , and it seemed as if every sailor had descended on this one tavern . Laughter and loud conversation filled the air , competing with the off - key stylings of a drunken fiddler . Nobody knew who he was or how to get him to stop playing , so the general consensus was to let him keep drinking until he couldn 't hold on to his fiddle any longer . Pip made her way through the pressing throng as quickly as she could , her face only a few shades lighter than her hair . Once she got to the bar , she slammed her tray down , glaring at it with gritted teeth . " It 's like a bloody sea of hands out there ! " said Pip . " And if they 're not grabbing low , they 're pawing high . I 've never seen it this bad ! " " Oh , quit your complaining , " Benny said . " You 're making plenty of tip money , yeah ? What 's a little pinch or slap ? " " I don 't know , " teased Grace . " I think he 'd look pretty in a frilly dress and pigtails . And this lot is so drunk , they 'd never know the difference ! " Benny tried not to look uncomfortable at being the butt of their joke as Grace and Pip laughed and giggled . But Pip 's laughter was cut short as a pair of arms snaked around her waist from behind and pulled her backwards into their owner . She could smell rum on his breath , and could feel the butt of a pistol poking into her . At least she hoped it was his pistol . Her mouth fell open , and she dropped what was left of the tray to the floor . That voice ! She knew it . But it couldn 't be ! " Who the hell were you expecting ? King Charles himself ? " Jack straightened up and checked his nose to see if it was broken , then worked his jaw . " Whoever said only goodbyes are painful never met you ! " Jack gave her a puzzled look , and pointed back over his shoulder . " Know what ? I 'm gonna go out and come back in , and maybe you 'll start making sense . Where in the world did you ever get the idea I was dead ? " Pip stood with a fist planted on her cocked hip and glared at him . " First , your ship doesn 't show up when it was supposed to , leaving everyone , including my dad , scrambling to find buyers for their tin . Months go by , and not even so much as a letter from you . Then two men came in , talking about how the Laura Anne was taken by some pirate named Steely Pete Harper , or something . . . " " Like I give a damn ? " she snapped . " They said that any man who wouldn 't join him was as good as dead . You always did say how much you hate pirates and would never be one , so what was I supposed to think after hearing that ? " In the heat of the moment , Pip hadn 't really paid much attention his appearance , just that he was alive and well . Jack 's hair was now shoulder length , hanging in loose curls . He sported a goatee that gave him a slightly sinister look . The man who had been loathe to carry a knife now openly displayed a pistol and cutlass , and something told her there were a god many more blades hidden on his person . His clothes were very different from what she remembered . Gone were simple shoes , slops , and short jacket . Instead he wore a loose shirt of silk , a long waistcoat , a heavy belt that served as a holster for his pistol , cotton breeches , and expensive looking tall boots . Gone was the young sailor she had known . Jack had become more than just a little rough around the edges . He had become a pirate . Jack rolled his eyes and put a few more coins in Benny 's hand . The tavern owner raised an eyebrow , then looked at Pip . " I think we 'll manage . Off you go . " Jack followed her to a corner table where it wasn 't quite so noisy . She took a seat , and he sat down beside her . He tried to disarm her with his best charming grin , but Pip met him with a stony glare . Pip shook her head slowly . " I waited for you , Jack . Every morning I thought , ' This will be the day he comes strolling through my door with some wonderful story about where he 's been . ' You never did . And each day , it hurt a little more . Then I heard about your ship being taken my this Harkness fellow . They told me you were dead , and I went numb . Now , after all this time , just as I start to feel again , you finally come strolling through my door . How am I supposed to feel ? " " - - fourteen months that I 'm alive and well ! I should think that would worth more than snarling at me . Or would you feel better if I had died ? " " No , of course not . It 's just that . . . " She took a deep breath . " It took a long time to let go of your memory , Jack . I suppose I 'm in shock . " Her eyes went wide . " Whoa , Nelly ! Don 't get any ideas I was in love with you , sailor boy ! I missed your library , that 's all . Fine , our talks , too . " Pip 's face turned instantly crimson , and she burst into giggles . " Yeah , I missed that , too ! " But her laugher quickly faded , and she leaned on the table and rested her chin in her palm . " What happened , Jack ? " Jack sighed and leaned back in his chair . " Like you heard , we got taken by pirates . By Will Harkness himself . Probably the most notorious pirate in the Caribbean . Certainly the most successful . " " I did . But some of the men told Harkness I knew a thing or two about ship building . I struck a bargain to help Harkness modify his ship in exchange for keeping Josiah alive . " " He 's done too much to keep my sorry hide safe , so I couldn 't very well abandon him . But Will took me under his wing . And as irony would have it , I 'm a pretty good pirate ! " Jack laughed and shook his head . " Who 'd have thought ? But the life suits me , Pip . As strange as it may sound , I like it . " " Of course I have ! Just because you were out of the picture didn 't mean my dreams went with you . My eyes are still down the road , as my dad is so fond of saying . I just have to get my feet to follow . " " During my travels , I managed to win a business in a game of dice . I haven 't the foggiest what to do with it , and I don 't want to go through the bother of selling the thing . What I need is someone to run it . " Pip stared at him , open - mouthed . " Are you out of your bleedin ' mind ? ! Me , a madame ? What if my parents found out ? " " ' Oh my , I just won a whorehouse . Whatever should I do ? Wait ! Pip would be perfect to run it ! ' Yeah , I 'm pretty sure I 'm insulted . " " Oh , don 't be so melodramatic . Frankly , I don 't care what you do with it . Leave it a brothel , turn it into a coffee house , it doesn 't matter . But think of it , love . It 's something you can make your own , far away from here . That 's what you want most , isn 't it ? " " Well , think of it . Pip Woolston . You 'll need a fancier name than that . You can 't run a proper brothel as Pip Woolston from Cornwall . People would be expecting sheep in the parlour . " Jack tapped his finger to his lips as he thought . " Something exotic , something madamely - sounding . . . something French . That 's it ! Madame Renee . Madame Renee de Bertrand . How does that sound ? " Jack looked at her sadly . " I 'm sorry . I thought you were serious . It 's a hard thing , really going after your dreams . Forget I asked . " He pushed back from the table and started to get up . He settled back into his chair . " Then come with me . You 'll be under my protection . The captain 's woman . You 'll be untouchable . " " Yeah , didn 't I mention ? I 've got my own ship ! And it 's magic . It 's going to take you to your dreams , Madame Renee de Bertrand ! " The entendre sent Briggs into a full blush , complete with nervous laughter . " Um , I , ah , no . . . I mean , yes ! " he stumbled . " For Jack , I mean ! He 's in need of water , and the pitcher 's run dry . " " Hold on , love , " Renee said quickly . She picked up a fresh pitcher from the table and sauntered toward him , her eyes locked on his the entire time . Briggs watched as she approached , totally mesmerised , unable to look away from her . It was only after she pressed the pitcher against his chest that he remembered to breathe . " I know you 're good for the other one . Not like I don 't know where to find you , right ? " Briggs swallowed hard , and backed up . " Um , yes ma ' am ! I 'd like that ! I mean . . . I 'd best get this up to Jack ! Thank ye , ma ' am ! " Rhys quietly closed the back door to Renee 's house and looked around . Everyone was either in the front parlour or otherwise occupied , save Doctor Gander . He was sitting at the table with his back to Rhys , making notes in a leather - bound book . Not wanting to disturb him , Rhys turned to walk to the stairs . " Doing fine ! In good spirits , as usual . Renee tells me he still cries out from night terrors , though . Not that he 'll ever admit it . His body is healing exceptionally well . The psychological scars , however . . . " Duckie drew in a breath and sighed . " Time will tell . Wounds to the heart and mind can be just as devastating as wounds to the body . More so in some cases , because they are insidious . You can see a bodily wound , and that makes them simple to treat in comparison . I 'm afraid we have yet to discover how much Mendoza really injured Jack . " " If you 're looking for the perfect time to tell him , Rhys , don 't waste your time . It will never come . The question is , how much longer can you wait ? " Jack heard a knock at his door . Quickly , he set his book aside and got up from the bed . He hastily poured a glass of rum and took a seat at the table . " Duckie says I 'll be strong enough to go back to the ship in a week , " said Jack . " God , I can hardly wait to be aboard her again ! Now , I 've been thinking - and trust me , I 've had far too much time to do that - about what our next target should be . How does Guadeloupe sound ? Poorly defended and not terribly rich , but enough of a statement to let the world know I 'm back , and good as ever ! What say you ? " Rhys looked at his friend , and thought about Duckie 's words . Jack was animated to the point of being almost manic . Rhys felt a twinge of pity for him , something he never thought he 'd ever feel for this man . It certainly didn 't make his next words any easier to deliver . " That 's not what I mean , and you know it . " Rhys paused and took a deep breath to compose himself . " This is why I came back to the Caribbean in the first place . To tell you I 'm leaving the life behind , for good . I 'm signing over the smuggling business to you , effective immediately . Then I 'm sailing home to Wales . " " Because I had to do right by you . We 're business partners and friends , and that means something . But now I have to leave this world behind , and go back home . " Jack could scarcely believe what he was hearing . " Oh , of course . That girl you keep moping about . Rhys , mate ! You know yourself there 's a killing to be made there ! The Spanish can 't move fast enough to protect themselves , and the Dutch are becoming nearly as vulnerable . " He looked intently at Rhys and leaned forward . " I 've been tracking Dutch East India Company shipping for several months now . Less the time I lost to that foolishness with Mendoza , of course . It set my timetable back , but I 'm certain I 'm on the verge of a major haul , too much even for me to spend in a lifetime if I play it right . And there 's no one I 'd rather share it with . It 's the least I can do after you saved my life . " Jack looked hard into his friend 's eyes . " Rhys , our business venture has been wildly profitable . Just think of it ; in less than two years , most likely sooner , you could be wealthy enough to set up a fine life for yourself and - what 's her name again ? Rebecca ? No , that 's not it . Not enough consonants . " " That 's the problem . She 's been waiting . I promised I 'd be back in Wales by now to marry her . I 'm months overdue as it stands , " said Rhys longingly . " There 's the problem with falling in love , my friend . It makes you lose your mind and rush off to stick your head in a noose . " Jack poured them both some rum . " Where is your young bride to be ? Still at home under her mother 's wing ? " " Wales is far more progressive than I thought . How does that work ? You walk up to the door and ask ' I 'm looking for a girl . How are you for blondes this week ? ' " " You can see now why I never told you this . " Rhys sighed and rubbed his eyes . " We met on a hillside overlooking the harbour at Beaumaris It 's up in the north of Wales . " " I 've been there , several years ago . Nice place . Never made it past the taverns , though . A shame , that . Sounds like the real treasure was in the countryside . " Rhys ignored Jack 's characteristically flip attitude . " Anyway , I was on a hillside , sketching ships and the water . To clear my head , you know ? You 've seen me do it a thousand times . She was there as well with her dog , writing poetry . " Jack leaned forward and looked his old friend in the eyes . " I 'd say ' sod it all ' and set my sights back on the Caribbean . Rhys , you 've seen the incredibly beautiful women here . You 'll forget about her in no time . " Rhys shook his head . " You don 't understand , Jack . Rhiannon is . . . she 's everything . There 's not a moment goes by that I don 't think about her . I wish there was a way to make you understand why I have to go . But you 've obviously never been in love . " " Oh , right , " Rhys laughed . " I 've seen you in action , my friend . You don 't let a woman get close enough . You see women as a diversion . Playthings . ' Unprofitable enterprises , ' you 've said before . I can no sooner see you falling in love that I can imaging my living without Rhiannon . " " A bit of advice , Rhys . England is in turmoil . This Lord Castlemaine , he 's watching his wealth and status evaporate in front of his eyes . Now you want to spirit away his daughter ? He may not consciously think of her as a possession , but that 's what she is to him now . One more thing to try and hang on to . A man in his position is dangerous . You keep down this path , you 're likely to end up getting yourself killed . Or worse , heartbroken . " Jack leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms . " She 's really worth the risk ? Worth walking away from this life for one of domesticity ? " Rhys finished off the last of his rum . " I 'm sorry , Jack . I 'm sure this looks like a foolish move , like I 'm cutting and running . But it 's something I have to do . " " Of course it 's foolish . But I have a soft spot for outlandish plans that haven 't an ounce of good sense behind them . And while I am sorry you won 't stay here , it 's just that much more swag for me , " smiled Jack . " It 's been a good run , yeah ? So when do you set sail for Wales to enact your grand plan ? " " I 'm sure it will , " Jack said with mock sincerity . " It has success written all over it . Have you decided where you 'll go once you rescue your damsel from the monsters ? You 'll need a place to start anew . " Jack stamped the floor with his heel . " Right here , in Barbados . Her father will never think to look for the two of you this far away from Wales . It 's the perfect place to disappear and start a new life . In face , I 'll personally guarantee your safety . Call it a wedding gift . " The Neptune Rising pulled into the harbour of Beaumaris as the dawn 's light was breaking through the indigo sky . Rhys shouted out his commands as they brought the ship into the dock . Dolan stood at the gunwale and looked at his friend . Never before had Rhys Morgan seemed so antsy to leave his ship . Rhys shook his head . " No . No , I don 't . Hopefully she won 't be too upset . I 'll take a room at the inn and then I 'll wait for her gypsy friend Athena to get word to her to meet me on the bluffs . Then we head off to my father 's estate and properly wed her . And then off to Cambridge to resume my studies and live a happily ever after . " " He was the last we left him . Weak as a kitten but Dr Gander said with the care Renee will give him , he will be on the mend . Don 't know about his mental state though . " Rhys looked out over his ship . " An experience like that has to change you . It would anyone . Whether it will make him more introspective or reckless , only time will tell . " " Yeah . Full of himself . Probably descended from Joanna the Mad . Totally bonkers , that one . Obsessed with her husband . And Diego was totally obsessed with Mercedes . " She nodded . " And you are Rhys Morgan . Rhiannon described you perfectly . Right down to the sun streaks in your hair and the eyes she said were the colour of the sea . But you were supposed to be here at the end of December , Rhys Morgan ! " She nodded . " I do . I hate to have to tell you this , Rhys . But when you didn 't come back , the Mother Superior found out about the two of you and sent Rhiannon home in disgrace . I saw her when I went there to drop off the season 's vintage of wine . And I saw what I hoped was not true . " " . . . and when I saw her , she wouldn 't look me in the eyes . I never saw her again . And I haven 't been able to find out who she married or where she is . I 'm sorry , Rhys . I really am . " Rhys sat on the boulder for an hour , just staring out to sea . She didn 't wait for me . . . she 's married . . . He repeated it like a mantra . Finally he stood up . His heart was heavy . Then he turned and headed for the tavern in port . " For now . " Rhys sat there and drank his ale . He signaled for another one . The innkeeper 's daughter , a pleasant girl named Sally , approached Rhys . She said shyly , " Can I get ye anything to eat ? " Rhys shook his head no . Need to play this one carefully , he thought . " I hear tell there was a fancy to - do wedding up at Conaway Manor a few weeks ago . One of Lord Conaway 's daughters . . which one was it again ? " Sally said , " Oh , that be Miss Rhiannon . Funny thing about that , no one in the parish knew she was betrothed . It were one minute she be in the convent , the next she be getting wed . I hear tell he was a baron or something like that . Also , funny thing . The banns were not posted in the church . Yet she be married here . " " Not sure . But he 's moneyed . Took their wedding trip to Scotland . So maybe he be a lairde there . Don 't rightly know , just that she got wed and now she be settled somewhere . " Rhys stayed into the late night and drank himself into oblivion . He took a few bottles of whiskey and went to his room . He continued to drink until he passed out . And he continued this pattern for a week . Rhys looked at him with red - rimmed eyes and the tears started to well . " I was late . Too late . TWO . . . DAMNED . . WEEKS LATE ! " Rhys poured a generous snifter of brandy and surveyed the room . Something was different . Something was . . . . missing . He looked up . The portrait of Lady Castlemaine was gone and in its stead was a huge empty wall . Rhys took the leather chair opposite the one that Madoc had indicated . It let Madoc know he was no longer acquiescing to him . And that he would no longer have any hold over him or his commerce . " Really . And why , may I ask ? England , Wales and Scotland have need of your merchandise , you know . You have a good arrangement here . " " England , Wales and Scotland no longer hold any interest for me . I have made arrangements elsewhere and find the Caribbean more suits my lifestyle now . I have inventoried all goods at face value and have calculated your percentage . The goods will be out at the end of the month and then it is ' nice doing business with you . Don 't call me . ' " It 's a woman , isn 't it ? You either are nursing a jilted heart or have something going on with a dusky beauty down in Jamaica . So which is it ? " " She 's learning the first . The second is working quite well and the third will be a product of the second in no time at all . Shall we expect you this evening ? " " But I am tired of playing hostess to your stodgy old friends . Why can 't I invite my sisters ? At least there would be someone to laugh with . If I have to hear about Lady Crowley 's gout or Lady Byerly 's non - stop lying - ins , I will scream ! " " No ? It should be about time your belly started to swell . We have been married for five months and yet no sign of the quickening of life . " Her eyes involuntarily darted to the small chest where a vial of herbs held the key to her ' barreness ' . ' At least wait until I figure things out , ' she reasoned . ' Until my heart heals . ' Inside Rhiannon shuddered . Not that Madoc was clumsy or a bad lover . On the contrary , she did not like the way he made her feel . Her reluctant but obvious enjoyment made her feel disloyal to the one man her body still craved . " Of course not . Everything that matters is what the Castlemaines can get . And more Castlemaines , of course . And when you do produce an heir - - a son - - you will be rewarded . " " I mean . . . well . . . servants talk . And there is an exceptional amount of talk about Monsieur Gerard . The closed doors , the laughter . . . . the whispers . You be careful of your station in life , Milady . " She groaned . " I don 't WANT to look like the lady of the manor . I want to be the girl picking blueberries and wildflowers again , not talking to boring men . Like that merchant you invited . What am I supposed to talk to him about ? " If Rhys showed any surprise , he certainly kept it hidden . He extended his hand and took hers into his . Drawing her hand to his mouth for a kiss , Rhys said , " A pleasure to meet you , Lady Castlemaine . " He looked over and saw Lord Dimsworth . " Darling , I am sorry but I must see Lord Dimsworth about that stallion . He has offered it for sale and I intend to be the one who purchases him . Captain Morgan ? I do hope we meet again before you sail off on your journeys . " Rhiannon stood there not knowing what her role in this Greek tragedy was . Rhys extended his hand to her and bowed . " The quartet is playing . Would you honour me with a dance , Lady Castlemaine ? " Rhiannon looked up at him and gazed into his eyes . They had changed . Gone was the softness when he looked at her . It had been replaced with a hardness that was almost frightening to see . While he was still handsome , he had the edge of bitterness to his demeanor . " I shall bid you a good evening , Lady Castlemaine . I do hope you enjoy your . . . party . " Madoc took Rhiannon in his arms and whirled her around the ballroom . " Interesting fellow , don 't you think ? " As soon as the last guest left , she mounted the staircase , heading for her bedroom . Madoc was right behind her . As she reached the door , she turned to him . " I 'm really exhausted , Madoc . " Rhys sat down at the tavern table and signaled for a tavern wench to bring him an ale . " Keep them coming until I either say no more or pass out . Whatever comes first , luv . " " Oh ? Well , bet she is a proper lady to the manor born . About as much fun as a nun in a convent , I bet , " Dolan snorted . Rhiannon sat on the bluff where she had sat so many afternoons writing her poetry . So many things changed , it was like a lifetime ago . She unconsciously twisted her wedding band . As she gazed across to the sea , she heard a twig snap behind her . Sharply turning her head , she saw him . " Disgrace ? You didn 't waste any time in getting married . Athena told me that as soon as you left , within a month you were married to landed gentry . An older man , she said . She couldn 't figure out why no banns were posted . Were you afraid he would find out about us and change his mind ? " " Damn you , Rhys Morgan . You ruined my life . I loved you and gave you my heart . My soul . I was ready to sail with you and you wouldn 't let me . Did you get delayed by some treasure ? A woman , perhaps ? Were you in prison ? " Her mouth dropped open . He stood up and held his hand out to her . " Let 's walk . I don 't want your reputation besmirched , Lady Castlemaine . I know your husband and I don 't think he would hesitate to stretch my neck if he could . " Rhys held her until her tears were spent . " Rhiannon , my love , I haven 't the words to tell you how sorry I am . I came back as quickly as I could . " She whispered , " It wasn 't quick enough , Rhys . Do you know what it was like waiting day after day , night after night for you to come ? Muir sat by that window all night long watching . I think he wanted out of St Brigid 's as much as I did . " " Oh , but we were . Mary Agnes - - the damn snitch - - decided in the interest of her immortal soul , to unburden herself to the parish priest . He in turn broke the rules of confession and got his mouth running to the old crone . And I was sent home . Father found out what it was and who it was with . Rhys , I never knew you used the caves as storage for your smuggled goods . " " Well , it turns out Father found out about what was in the cave . He didn 't do anything about it right away since I turned up at the same time . And he used it as leverage to take care of his ' situation . ' Seems I brought disgrace on the house of Conway . He knew Madoc Castlemaine was keen to get married again and regain his position in the social world of Wales and a young bride was just the thing . " " No . Father had intimated that I had been seduced by an unknown and it was a one - time thing . That seemed acceptable to Madoc . But in small ways , he never lets me forget that I am ' damaged goods ' in his eyes . " Rhys took her hand . " I didn 't desert you , love . But I had no choice . It was my duty as a Morgan to help out a friend . Honour above all things , Rhiannon . A friend of mine was being held captive by a crazed Spanish count over a slight indiscretion . His quartermaster was going in half - cocked to rescue him . If I didn 't lead the rescue , the quartermaster would have gotten himself killed and Jack Wolfe would have died a horrific death . He 's recuperating at a friend 's establishment . " " Darling , he had no idea . He even told me to leave him , to go back to Wales and live happily ever after . I came back as soon as I was sure he was taken care of . " He reached over and brushed her hair from her face . " I don 't know . All is I know that I can 't let you go . I won 't let you go . " " I surmised as much . Merchant , my arse . You had the same arrangement with him as you did with my father . But with Madoc 's blessings " . " I 'll find a way . But don 't meet me here . It 's too open . I 'll take one of the horses out riding tomorrow . Madoc will be gone all morning . " Rhiannon slowed Daisy down to a trot . She wended her way through the maple trees . The canopy of foliage provided just enough cover . Easing Daisy down the slope , she came to a clearing . Ahead lay the grist mill . He smiled . " You always did have a fancy way with words . I hired her from a stable . Oh , don 't look so alarmed . It was on the poor side of town . I told the stable master that I had to meet my brother to discuss family business regarding an inheritance . He didn 't question the gold coin I gave him . " " It 's not the cost , sweetheart , it is all in how you wear them . A pauper can look like a prince if he struts right . And I gave my name as Liam Gallagher . So no one will trace me . " " Picking blueberries . I found the start of the creek and followed it . Around the bend there . And then I came across the mill . It has been deserted for over fifty years . Beyond the clearing is a pond with daffodils . They are all gone now since they only bloom in the spring . And there is a grove of walnut trees . " Rhys took her hand in his and said , " Don 't you see , Rhiannon ? In spite of everything - - the timing and the season , that daffodil proved nature wrong . There is a lesson there . If it is right , nothing can stop it . And it will grow and flourish in spite of everything . " " Madoc is having a few gentlemen over to discuss the breeding of Welsh ponies . They are arranging some sort of ' encounter ' for one of our mares . I can 't go off riding too many times or he will question it . And I need to pick some blueberries - - Blueberries ! I forgot my blueberry basket ! " " Not this time . Nothing is going on in the social season of London . And I hate to ride in a carriage . Madoc deems it unladylike for me to ride by horseback to travel with him . " " I have some business to wrap up there . We can hire a couple horses and a nice week at a seaside resort where no one knows us . No one looking over our shoulders . What do you say to that ? " She sighed . " There is one thing about being rich , Rhys . You are always ' alright ' . We aren 't allowed to be any other way . " Arms wrapped around each other , they made their way to the horses . Rhys helped her up on the mare . She looked down at him and said , " Thursday . Same place . " ' Why should I worry ? ' she thought . ' I am a hundred miles away from home and Madoc is safely esconced in London . As far as the staff at Castlemaine is concerned , my sister has a bad cold and needed me to fulfill a few social obligations for her . It was so much easier to stay at her home anyways . . . . ' " No , ma ' am . My wife and I decided to take a holiday for the week . Getting away is just what she needs what with her father dying and all . ' " Oh , that . Well , I have to arrange for disposal of wine , spices and coffee and pick up some wool and whiskey . Irish linen . Did I mention the whiskey ? " " I 'm not taking it with me . Dolan wil sail the Neptune Rising to Cardiff in a few days . I 'm here to sign the manifest and I 'll take you back to Beaumaris and then come back here and rejoin the ship . " " Sweetheart , I would love to . But I am picking up the whiskey in Scotland and then I swear I will come back for you . We can still meet . And I noticed an abandoned caretaker 's cottage near the gristmill . Besides , I 'll be in port every few weeks . I have to visit my folks , too . But by January things will be wrapped up that we can sail for Barbados . " Rhiannon bit her lip . " He 's frightfully healthy . Once he took an arrow in the shoulder . He pulled it out and continued the hunt to the end . Rhys , he frightens me . Nothing fazes him . " " It will be by the end of December . I think Madoc wants a big ' unveiling ' so that means another social occasion . He 's in for a surprise , though . " " He thinks I am wearing this matronly dress that belonged to his dead wife . But I um . . . . got too close to the fire and oh dear ! It seemed to have gotten a bit singed . " She hesitated . " I guess I didn 't think that far in advance . It was just a whim . I 'll deal with it later . But let us not speak of Madoc anymore . I want to enjoy this time together . " Rhys gave Sir Radcliffe a condescending smile . " I am quite sure you have made a mistake , my good man . This lovely woman here is Katie Gallagher . My wife . " Rhys burst out laughing . " Aye , mate . I am sure . She has been my wife for the last two years . We are from Dublin . Here to visit Katie 's sister . " Sir Radcliffe mopped his red face with a handkerchief . " Begging your pardon , Mrs . Gallagher . But you look just like a Lady Castlemaine from Beaumaris . My deepest apologies . " He gave her a reassuring smile . " I am sure we did , darling . But just to be safe - - - maybe we should be a bit more cautious when we go out . " She nodded . " I really don 't remember him . But I meet so many people at these affairs , it is hard to keep track of Sir this and Lady that . " Rhys scanned the crowd . " Still . . . to be safe . . . maybe we should head back to Beaumaris a day early . I hate to do it but my business is wrapped up here and as much as I would love to stay here with you , I think it best we leave . Who knows how many more of his kind are here . " He stood up and pulled her chair out . " Then let 's not waste any more time here . I know a room where a bottle of wine is waiting . " She squeezed his hand and looked into his eyes . " I 'll be fine . I know you have to go back to Cardiff by the end of the week . And I have to play the dutiful wife . " " I 'll be back before the end of the month . I 'm only sailing as far as Calais . I 'll leave you a note on the table in that old caretaker 's cottage when I am back . " " Late last night . The servants told me you were staying at your sister 's to help with the children when she was ill ? Does she not have a governess ? " " Thereabout . But enough of me . Act for the Settlement of Ireland . But this is way over your head , Rhiannon . You wouldn 't understand it . " Rhiannon occupied her time dancing with guest after guest and listening to the latest gossip among the ladies . It was all she could do to keep her face from registering the boredom she felt . There were too many Lord West - - - - and - - - - cliffes to suit her . All the while she was wishing Rhys was there . That it was Rhys she was dancing with . As the guests were leaving , Rhiannon and Madoc stood by the door as they exchanged good nights and final compliments on the portrait . She flinched but met his gaze . Wrenching her wrist from him , she said coldly , " I have no idea what you are talking about . I am tired and I want to - - " " Oh , no ? The portrait shows it very clearly . Gerard DuPre painted you as he saw you . As a woman in love . And through the eyes of a man in love . DuPre is in love with you . " " DON ' T LIE ! " He raised his hand and struck her hard across the face . Rhiannon fell against the wall . He grabbed her by the arm and pulled her to her feet . She let out a scream . She gently put her arm around Rhiannon 's waist as she braced herself against the wall to stand . Her leg started to buckle but she grabbed the bedpost in time to keep from falling . Her clothing was tattered . " More or less , dear . More so after . . . . she died . Almost as if he was mad that she dared to die on him . Wiithout his permisson . " And then the shock wore off and reality set in . Rhiannon 's tears began anew . Rhoslyn gathered her in her arms and rocked her as a mother would a child . Rhoslyn stroked her hair . " I don 't know , Milady . All I know is that what you reap , you sow . And as my mother used to say , ' things have a way of working out . ' Rhiannon gave Rhoslyn 's hand a squeeze and then moaned . " I guess it wasn 't a good idea to try to defend myself . My hands . . . . . " Rhoslyn covered her up with a coverlet and whispered , " Aye , little one . I 'll stay the night . Just to make sure no more harm comes to you . " He turned and saw Rhiannon standing in the shadows . " I was beginning to wonder if you would make it . I was getting worried about you . " Rhiannon kept the cloak hood up around her face and kept herself turned to the door . " I - - I just hurt all over . I even hurt too much to cry . I just don 't want you to see the rest of it . I 'll heal . Rhoslyn brought me some ointments for it . And I rest when I can . " " He accused me of being in love with Monsieur Gerard . Fortunately for him , he was in Italy . Otherwise , I am afraid Madoc would call him out and there would be a scandal . As it is , I seem to have paid the price . " He held her gently . " Rhys , I 'm afraid . I talked to Rhoslyn a bit and I found out his first wife fell down the stairs and broke her neck . I am wondering now . . . . was it really an accident ? I 'm so very afraid of him . He left for London this morning . I - - I didn 't want you to see me this way . " " I 'll be by around six o ' clock to help you pack . The I 'll have Dolan come with a carriage . Pack as many clothes as you can . No sense leaving them behind . And your jewelry . You earned it . " " I 'll tell the help that I am going to bed early because I decided to join Madoc in London . That way they won 't be wondering where I am . And we will have a two week head start on Madoc . " " Just get me away from here . I don 't care where we are as long as it isn 't in England or Wales . Paris . . . Rome . . . Barbados . . . the Colonies . Anywhere that Madoc 's connections can 't reach us . " " I 'll get in touch with my friend . He offered to help and guarantees or safety . We can go anywhere in this world , change our identites . And leave all this behind us till the coast is clear . " She laid her head on his chest and he stroked her hair away from her face . " Thursday . After Thursday , I 'll be free of all this . Promise me it will work out , Rhys . It just has to . " Rhys stood there with a few pebbles in his hand . " I had to get your attention someway . I saw you through the window so I waited till you were near it . " Rhiannon quickly dropped her dress , standing before her armoire in her chemise and grabbing a shirt . Suddenly the door opened slowly . Her worst nightmare had come true . " YOU ! " Madoc yelled . " I thought all this time it was HIM . The Frenchman . But she was cuckolding me with you - - - a common pirate . " " One whose wife needs to learn obedience . And now it turns out I beat her for the right reasons but for the wrong man . Well , that can be remedied . " He turned to Rhiannon . " Sir Winston Radcliffe told me he saw a woman who was my wife 's double in Cardiff . I wanted to cut his tongue out for lying but I had to know for myself . All that time you and this cur were trysting in that cottage , you had no idea you were being followed , did you ? " " DON ' T TAKE ME FOR A FOOL WITH YOUR LIES , RHIANNON ! I had Mortimer keep a close eye on you . And he had heard through the window that you were planning your grand escape tonight . So he sent word to me . I have been staying at an inn about a day 's journey from here just waiting for the word of your blundering plans . " He turned to Rhys and spat , " Stay out of this , you dog . This is between me and my wife . I 'll settle with you too . After all , you forget who is the one weaponed here and who is the one who has been betrayed . No court will convict me . Crime of passion and all . " Madoc sneered , " For you ? FOR YOU ? You think I want the entire shire to know I was cuckolded by the likes of him ? A PIRATE ? And the very one who has been storing his ill - gotten treasures in the caves on my land ? " " You bastard ! You use my land and you treat my wife like a common trollop . Well , that is just what she is . A trollop . A whore . And you can both be together where I am sending you . To hell . " Rhys grabbed Rhiannon and shoved her aside just as Madoc raised his sword . She screamed and the blade moved swift catching Rhys in the side . A look of astonishment crossed his face before he fell on her . " And now to finish you off , you whore ! " Madoc screamed . Madoc 's heart . Or would have been if he had one . Madoc was thrown back against the wall from the sheer force of her pitching . The rapier clattered to the floor . He said not a word but a look of incredulity crossed his face . He slid down the wall , reaching his hand out to Rhiannon . She recoiled in horror . |
We 've been basking in unseasonally warm weather in the UK which probaly means we 'll have six foot of snow over the weekend . Odd . Talking of odd , things , here 's oddbox . This week , a bacon eating competition , a festival of colour where they throw coloured powder at each other , the pope wears a sombrero and the South Korean President does a dance with world leaders . Whenever you 're writing a scene you have to keep a sense of proportion . If the story concerns two young lovers , focusing on one set of parents for a whole chapter may give the impression that they are important to the story . If thwy 're not , the reader will spend the rest of the book wondering why you wrote so much about them . Science is always a problem for SF writers . How much to put in and what to leave out can be a tricky decision . If you 're writing ' Hard SF ' ( or technoporn as it 's sometimes called ) , then you need to put as much as possible in as your readers will enjoy it . . . if only so they can pull it apart and argue with you at the next SF conference you attend . If you 're not writing that kind of SF , then you 'll have to be careful . With criminal investigations there can be a lot of science , but you have to make sure that it doesn 't overwhelm the reader . Don 't put a three page summary of how phone triagulation works , for instance . You 're writing a novel , not a field manual for the police . There are times , however , when the overuse of technical terms can be useful , such as when you are trying to show someone to be a geek , or obsessed with something . Through their dialogue , both external and internal , you can show this obsession as they talk about their pet hobby or interest . It 's especially useful in comedy writing and is used to great effect by Tom Holt . In short , be careful with the information you give to the reader . If it 's relevant to the plot or the characters , fine . If not , let it gather dust and then use it when a reader questions your use of terminology at a conference . I hope you all had a great weekend . I had my youngest son with me and we spent the time watching DVDs and . . . just watching DVDs actually . Well , we did a lot of cuddling up on the sofa watching them at night and he fell asleep on my lap each time . Aaaahhh . I haven 't subbed my two short stories yet , but that is something I will do by Friday . What I have done is write another of my ' writing raw ' columns and submitted it . This month , it 's about selling online . I 'll post the link when it 's published . The column for Christian Writer has been agreed and accepted so that 'll be out in a month or so and I 'm already working on the next one . The play rehearsals are going quite well . The cast are showing up , practising the moves on stage and learning the lines too . We will be ready for May 's performances . Starfish are planning the next launch , due in June , but we are beginning to wonder if two launches a year is beyond us . We 're feeling our way through this , learning as we go and the deadline we set may be a tad unreasonable . So we 're going to think about it this week and make a decision next Monday evening : which I shall tell you all about . Man : I won 't be long . I want to see what the potter 's got for sale . We might be able to make a profit back home if I can get it for the right price . ( Walks towards the stall holder ) Interesting pots you have here . You the creator or the seller ? Stallholder : Both . What are you looking for ? If you can 't see what you want I 'll be able to make it for you , though that may cost a bit more . Man : I 'm more interested in a trade . I 'm looking for a supply of good pots and jars . Our village potter died last year and he had no family to take over the job , so we 're a bit stuck . They talk about prices , though the audience can 't hear it . Margaret comes on from stage right , holding a basket of food and looks around as if she 's looking for another stall . She sees the man talking to the stallholder and thinks she recognises him . She gasps as she realises that she does . The stallholder turns to her and waves and the man turns to see her and looks at her , then turns back to the stallholder . Margaret exits stage right . Stallholder : Her name is Margaret . She lives with a man called John Maynard as his housekeeper with her two daughters . Came back to the town to see her father after her husband was murdered . Why ? Man : Village business . You know what it 's like in small towns and villages . There are things you need to take care of that you don 't want the law involved in . Man : ( Hesitates ) No . I 'm sure you can 't . Won 't stop me coming back another time and trying though . If you catch my drift . Woohoooooooo , it 's Friday . And where else would I start but with Oddbox . This week , the world pole - dancing championships ( with men daincing too ) , an angel sculpture made out of margarine , panda poo tea and a question : did a man really flap his wings and fly ? Burkeman gives some examples of how this would affect certain parts of the English Canon . ' To be or not to be . . . ' would be revamped as ' To live or not to live , I ask this question ' and ' The Lord is my shepherd ' would be rewritten as ' The Lord functions as my shepherd ' . Hmmmm . It did , however , get me thinking about this idea to help me with writing and editing . I sometimes get a problem with a sentence or a paragraph that I know isn 't right , but I can 't for the life of me work out why . By rephrasing it without using ' to be ' , I can 't always see the problem , but I can get a different perspective and give myself more options with description . ' He is ' , ' she is ' etc , can all be changed to make writing less stilted and more varied . The removal of ' to be ' from our own language can also help us to focus on what is true about ourselves . Instead of saying ' I am a failure ' , we would have to say , ' I feel like a failure ' , or ' I have failed at this task ' . First up , I have finished off two short stories for Write1Sub1 . One is an old story I 've dusted down and the other is a brand new one . Now for the dilemma : do I sub 2 or save one for next month and give myself an easier life ? Sub 2 I think . As for the performance in May , we have gotten our teeth into rehearsals and are half way through Act 1 . As we only have two hours of rehearsals , twice a week , we 're cutting it fine with not much rehearsal time , but we can do it . Tonight we ran through my main part where I threaten Poopay 's life and nearly kill her . As the young lady acting the role has a bad back we 've worked out how to do it without me throwing her around the stage . And now , the play I 'm , writing . I 've reached Act 2 , scene 1 . All comments are welcome whether good or bad . I 'm especially interested in your thoughts on the realism of the situation and the dialogue . Margaret : Girls . That 's enough . Elizabeth , put the chess set away and get a book to read , providing Mr Maynard doesn 't mind . John : ( Looks down at the book on his lap ) I 've been thinking about moving away . From this town . Moving to Oxford . I have family there , a brother , who runs a clothing business . He 's been asking me to move to Oxford since the deaths of my family and , to be truthful , he could use my head for business . ( The three women look at him horrified ) John : It wouldn 't be immediately . It would take a few weeks to get everything organised , tie up loose ends here , not that there are many of them , so you have time to consider it . ( Pause ) I suppose you want to know why I 'm thinking about this ? John : I wish I knew . The truth is , at the moment I 'm caught between leaving this place behind and all the memories that go with it and wanting to help you . If you decided to stay I 'm not sure I would want to go badly enough to leave you behind . John : After a fashion . But I also respect you . You saved your daughters from death , brought them here and didn 't give up trying to do the best for your family . ( Pause ) No one can live their life alone when they have responsibilities . Sometimes , not even when they have none . I feel the need of a new start , a new life in a new place . I think you need one too . Not to forget your husband ( Looks at the girls ) your father , but to carry on living . I 've spent too much time wallowing and being spoon fed through other people 's guilt . Oxford won 't remove the memories of what happened here , but it will break the ties that hold me back . Goodnight . John exits stage right Margaret : ( Stands up ) ELIZABETH . ( Elizabeth takes a step back , scared ) Stop that talk at once . This is not a game of chess we 're playing , this is real . Elizabeth : Sorry mother . I just . . . I mean . . . I don 't . . . ( sits on the floor and starts to cry ) I miss father . I miss not seeing him come home , I miss acting out plays and scenes from plays . I miss home . And I 'm scared . Elizabeth : ( Angry ) I 'm not putting obstacles in the way of anything . I followed you here when I could have stayed at home and married Philip . I didn 't have to come with you . I left MY life behind too . And now you want us to go off with a man you hardly know to a place we 've never been and start a new life ? All I want to know is that we 'll all be safe . Margaret : And that 's what I 'm trying to provide . But unmarried women with children can 't just go out and do what they like . It 's always been like that and maybe it always will . And at this moment , my options are limited , as are yours . Do you really think that Philip would take you as a wife after what happened to your father ? Do you ? Elizabeth : That 's the point . We don 't know anything . We don 't know why father was killed , whether we would all have been hung , whether Philip would have married me , we don 't know . ( She collapses to the floor and sobs loudly ) We don 't know . Margaret : ( Walks over to Elena and pulls her towards Elizabeth ) I haven 't made any decision about Oxford or anything else . I was hoping that we could stay here for a while before deciding anything . But I can 't . I have to consider this and what would happen if we stayed here . Yet another award , this time From Lisa Shafer . She writes YA fiction and her current release is entitled ' Confessions of an Average Half - Vampire ' a story about a teenager who is a half - vampire . Having read it , I would say it 's a good book for adults too . Onto other things , and a gentle reminder that I 'm running a competition to win ebooks . The rules are available on last Monday 's blog , so hop on over and enter if you haven 't already . If you have , post another entry anyway . Be careful with your points - of - view . Sometimes it 's tempting to write a scene and get inside the head of more than one person . Their advice is not to do this as it can be confusing to the reader unless done well . If you need different perspectives , break the scene up by leaving a line - break between the points of view . The good news is that we have definately got a Jessica for ' Communicating Doors ' so I get to play an all out baddy . In my first scene I get face to face with a dominatrix and dominate her and in my second scene I push her around . I have to be careful though , as the young lady has a bad back after a car accident a couple of years ago so I can 't be too horrible . On the plus side , she gets to stick a sofa on top of my body after killing me later on in the play . I 've added another scene to ' Apollo the Thirteenth ' and it 's taken me in a surprising direction . Commander Anne Howe is now married after proposing to her chief medical officer on the bridge of her starship . Why ? She 's known him for years and it seemed like a good idea . Well , the book 's a comedy so why not . I can always delete the scene later if it doesn 't fit . In addition , I 've started on Act 2 of the play and it 's starting to get real heavy . I was initially wondering whether I should skip the scene I 'd planned , but decided to start writing it anyway to see what would happen . In the end it 's turned out to be an excellent scene and ends on a philosophical note . You can read it next week . There is a fire in the hearth . John sits in his armchair , reading a book . Margaret sits on a wooden chair sewing while the two girls are on the floor playing chess . Elena makes a move . John : ( Not looking up from his book ) I don 't mind the noise . It makes a pleasant change from years of silence . Besides , Elena 's questions are perfectly logical . ( He looks up and at Elena ) However , your sister is correct . Those are the rules and you have to learn to play within the rules . John : You can 't win all the time . As it is in chess , so it is in life . Sometimes you win , sometimes you lose . When I used to trade between towns there were goods that I bought in one place that I made a large profit on , but others that I made a loss on . I just tried to make sure that I lost far less often than I gained , or at least , lost less money than I made elsewhere . John : I didn 't specialise in anything particular . I found out what each town needed and then found somewhere that made it or grew it . I then went to the town , bought as much of the good that I thought I could sell and brought to the other town and sold it . ( Puts his book on his lap ) Most of my trips involved me being away for weeks at a time , going round the local towns and villages , buying and selling and whatever was leftover I brought back here . To this town . Sometimes I bought things for this house . Margaret : When I was in the market , the man selling and sharpening knives wouldn 't say anything about it . He , and everyone else , don 't want to talk about you ? Why ? John closes his eyes and looks at the ceiling and the women look at each other . They wait for a moment longer hoping that John will speak . He doesn 't . John : Your sister 's right . On this occasion at least . There are some things that are best left in the past and left unknown . And I think your sister wishes she didn 't know . Elizabeth : Because I pestered him to , I kept asking him . And then he looked at me . ( Pause ) You know that look he gets . . . got in his eyes when he was being very serious ? That 's the look he gave me and asked if I really wanted to know , because if I did , he would tell me and then I 'd have to live with that knowledge for the rest of my life . ( She looks down at the chessboard , picks up a piece and plays with it ) I said I wanted to know , so he told me . I wish I didn 't now , but at least I know that he loved you . Only a man who truly loved you would marry you after what happened . John : ( Collects his thoughts ) I left town one morning on another trading trip , though I was only going away for a few days this time . Winter was coming and I didn 't want to be away when the weather changed . I loaded up my cart , made sure my horse was fit and fed and left the town . I completed my trip earlier than I expected and when I got home I found the house deserted . I waited till dusk , assuming that they were out shopping or with friends , but when night came and they hadn 't returned home I went to look for them . As I left the house , it dawned on me that the housekeeper had gone too , which was very odd . I knocked at my neighbour 's door and it took several minutes before he answered . I kept knocking as I knew they were in , the light was burning in their parlour . When I asked if he knew where my family and my housekeeper were , he looked down at his shoes , mumbled something and then asked me to come in . My wife and children had been killed . By the Millers . My wife had been . . . taken . By the man who was to be your husband . He then did the same to my children . I asked what had been done and when my neighbour , who I haven 't talked to since then , told me that nothing had been done except bury my family , I was incensed . He tried to remonstrate with me and remind me that the Millers owned the town , but I stormed out and went home . As a trader you must carry a gun and a sword at all times , in case you meet a highwayman and I 've had several occasions to use such weapons so I 've become quite skilled . I didn 't always get the best of them , but I managed to half the time . I took these weapons from their box and marched over the inn where the Millers drank . It was late , nearly the middle of the night , when I arrived , something I made sure of . I was not so angry that I didn 't want to get an advantage over them and their being drunk was an advantage I could use . With one shot I killed that man . I put the gun against his chest and he dared me to pull the trigger . I did . His brother and father were unarmed , but decided to launch themselves at me and within a few seconds they too were dead . I looked around at the other customers , people who had been drinking and laughing with these butchers and challenged them to try me for murder , to put me in front of a judge . No one did and no one ever has . ( Pause ) And that 's what happened to my family . John : Guilt . Not long afterwards , a few days I think , they swore in a new council . Margaret : Which is why that man was bitter at me . John : Adam . His wife left him and took the children . We don 't know where they are now and no one really cares . Elizabeth : What about the other wives and children ? What happened to them ? Do they still live here ? John : No . One married in the town , but the rest left . She died last year , during childbirth . She was the only member of the family not tainted by the murders and other crimes . John : Yes . The new Mayor paid me a visit the day after he was sworn in and said that the townspeople were grateful for my actions and that no action would be taken against me . They had the remaining Millers , and their servants , jailed until a trial could be held . John : It never went to trial as they realised that too many people in this town had blood on their hands . Turning a blind eye to crimes , or taking part , even unwillingly . Any independent judge would condemn half the town to jail . . . or death . John : The last of them died in jail six months ago . A family retainer . Some were given the option of taking their own lives and did so , even though it is an unchristian thing to do . Two were poisoned . Only one of them escaped , but she was soon recovered and . . . accidentally drowned when she fell into the canal . John : More guilt I would imagine . They 've gotten used to me and my habits and have been able to live their lives as normally as possible for a while now . Now you 've returned , and after the tale you 've told , they are reminded of their sins . John : ( Leans forward to Elena ) I can never be your father and you can never be my daughter , and the thought of marrying again does not appeal . But that is no reason I cannot look after and provide for you , your sister and your mother . Elena leans forward and hugs him . Margaret goes to stand , but Elizabeth grabs her mother 's arm and shakes her head . Margaret sits down . John : What can I do ? This is my home . I 've not left this town once since the death of my family . I have no business , all my contacts will have started trading with other people and I no longer have the desire to travel as I once did . There 's a knock at the door . John goes to answer it . Elizabeth and Elena continue with their chess game and Margaret returns to the sewing , all deep in thought . John returns and sits down , but doesn 't continue with his book . Got a song trapped in your head that you want to get rid of ? Here are 10 ways to get rid of it . My favourite suggestion is to sing ' Mnah Mnah ' by the Muppets , though I prefer the Pink Panther theme . I have been tagged in a couple of Memes , so I thought I 'd share them today . First up , I was tagged in the Lucky 7 Meme by Freya Morris . The rules are straightforward . " That 's one of the new rules . It wasn 't in force when you were training me . Sadly . " He opened his fingers and peered through them at Ban Hou . She sat on the edge of his coffee table , legs crossed , hands placed behind her . " You 've lost weight . " " I can be any shape I want . I improved my looks too , not that it 's easy to better perfection , but I did it . " She smiled at him , but it wasn 't the hateful , cruel smile he remembered . What is the title of your current WIP . Tell us about it ? I have two on the go and a play . The first novel is the follow up to A Stitch in Time and is currently called Apollo the Thirteenth . In this one , Mae tells the tale of how her parents were chased round the moon by the Apollo 13 lander , which turns out to be a Dagon weapon that they never used in the war . The second is a comic fantasy with the working title of Magic and is about a wizard and his apprentice fighting comic book villains . The play is a more serious tale about a woman and her two daughters who have to flee their village after her husband is murdered . If you could do anything tomorrow , what would you do ? Take my kids on holiday to somewhere warm . There would be lots of athletic things for my youngest to do and lots of computers so my other two boys can play games . I 'd have a brand new ereader and all the books I could ever want . What was the scariest thing you 've ever done ? Climb to the second floor of the Eiffel Tower . I 'm scared of heights so much , I get a nosebleed when I stand on tiptoes . What is the strangest place you 've ever got an idea for a story ? The bathroom . I don 't go out much ( All together now . . . aaaaaawwwwwwwwwww ) . If you just won a ticket to anywhere in the world and you had to take me , where would you take me and why ? Well , Valentina , if you 're asking me out on a date you 're going about it in a roundabout way . Alright I 'll stop messing about . I think I 'd take you to Hay - on Wye and spend the entire day going round the book and tea shops . If you 're lucky I 'll treat you to a Pizza before taking you home . Why ? I think you like books as much as I do . My goal is to write a new story and submit that new story each month . Stories that get rejected get resubmitted in addition to this , so in December I could be submitting twelve stories . But where 's the harm in that ? What else have I been doing apart from entertaining you with my blogs ? I have added a few thousand words to one of my novels and realised I 'm not sure if I want it to be a comedy or not . Why ? My mood . There are days when I get a little more than sad and that reflects itself in my writing , but I also find that on those days , what I write brings to the fore how a particular story should be written . I 'll give it some thought , but I may still edit the story to be comedic rather than straight . The scenes I 've written are , like most comedy , able to be comedic or tragic . What , you ask is a ' COMP ' ? It 's a competition . I 'm offering a choice of two ebooks from Starfish Publishing 's current list for the three lucky winners . Anyone who enters will have their name hand - written by a handsome man ( not me ) or beautiful woman on a hand - cut piece of paper . The three winners will be drawn by two lovely ladies and one gorgeous man ( still not me ) who will stick their hands in a hat and rummage around to find you . Margaret : Excuse me . ( No answer ) Excuse me , can I ask you a question ? Man turns round and stops what he is doing when he sees Margaret . Man : Oh yes . ( He stiffens and becomes less friendly ) I 'd heard you 'd returned . You 're not very popular in this town after the way you left with that . . . that . . . what was he ? An actor ? Margaret : I don 't know . I just know that he made sure we , myself and our daughters , were safe . He led them away to give us time to leave . My youngest daughter saw them hit him with a club and we all stared as they beat him to death . Then they started looking for us . Margaret : No one knows . No one wants to listen . ( She 's getting angrier ) All you people want to do is judge me on an action you know about but don 't understand from twenty years ago . You have no idea what that man I was due to marry was like , but then why would you care . He 's one of yours , or was . And you know what . I 'm glad he died in pain , but I don 't believe he had broken heart . He didn 't have a heart . He was cruel and treated me as if I was some common whore . He took me before we were married . In his Uncle 's field . And then threatened me , saying that if I told anyone I 'd be found floating in the river . As far as I know he was responsible for the death of Hester . Remember her . ( She 's face to face with him now ) Man : Yes . She was my sister . They were engaged . She told me what he 'd done . I 'm sorry for what I said , I didn 't realise he 'd taken you too . I told your father but he didn 't want to listen . He said that he had to marry you off or it would be too late for you and . . . that man , was the only one who 'd take you . Margaret : It doesn 't seem as if it 's anyone 's place to say anything . ( She turns away and walks a couple of steps before stopping and turns to face the man again ) If it wasn 't for the fact that I have nowhere else to go , I would leave this place . It 's just the same as I remember it . The only difference is the faces of those who run it . ( She exits stage right ) Man : It 's not the same place , Margaret . It 's far worse and in ways you can 't imagine . You 'd have been better off staying away . You don 't know what you 've walked back into and you don 't deserve any of this . Ever wondered why Democracy doesn 't work ? Professor David Dunning , a psychologist at Cornell University , shows incompetent people are inherently unable to judge the competence of other people , or the quality of those people 's ideas . Or , to put it simply , we 're all stupid . |
We 've been basking in unseasonally warm weather in the UK which probaly means we 'll have six foot of snow over the weekend . Odd . Talking of odd , things , here 's oddbox . This week , a bacon eating competition , a festival of colour where they throw coloured powder at each other , the pope wears a sombrero and the South Korean President does a dance with world leaders . Whenever you 're writing a scene you have to keep a sense of proportion . If the story concerns two young lovers , focusing on one set of parents for a whole chapter may give the impression that they are important to the story . If thwy 're not , the reader will spend the rest of the book wondering why you wrote so much about them . Science is always a problem for SF writers . How much to put in and what to leave out can be a tricky decision . If you 're writing ' Hard SF ' ( or technoporn as it 's sometimes called ) , then you need to put as much as possible in as your readers will enjoy it . . . if only so they can pull it apart and argue with you at the next SF conference you attend . If you 're not writing that kind of SF , then you 'll have to be careful . With criminal investigations there can be a lot of science , but you have to make sure that it doesn 't overwhelm the reader . Don 't put a three page summary of how phone triagulation works , for instance . You 're writing a novel , not a field manual for the police . There are times , however , when the overuse of technical terms can be useful , such as when you are trying to show someone to be a geek , or obsessed with something . Through their dialogue , both external and internal , you can show this obsession as they talk about their pet hobby or interest . It 's especially useful in comedy writing and is used to great effect by Tom Holt . In short , be careful with the information you give to the reader . If it 's relevant to the plot or the characters , fine . If not , let it gather dust and then use it when a reader questions your use of terminology at a conference . I hope you all had a great weekend . I had my youngest son with me and we spent the time watching DVDs and . . . just watching DVDs actually . Well , we did a lot of cuddling up on the sofa watching them at night and he fell asleep on my lap each time . Aaaahhh . I haven 't subbed my two short stories yet , but that is something I will do by Friday . What I have done is write another of my ' writing raw ' columns and submitted it . This month , it 's about selling online . I 'll post the link when it 's published . The column for Christian Writer has been agreed and accepted so that 'll be out in a month or so and I 'm already working on the next one . The play rehearsals are going quite well . The cast are showing up , practising the moves on stage and learning the lines too . We will be ready for May 's performances . Starfish are planning the next launch , due in June , but we are beginning to wonder if two launches a year is beyond us . We 're feeling our way through this , learning as we go and the deadline we set may be a tad unreasonable . So we 're going to think about it this week and make a decision next Monday evening : which I shall tell you all about . Man : I won 't be long . I want to see what the potter 's got for sale . We might be able to make a profit back home if I can get it for the right price . ( Walks towards the stall holder ) Interesting pots you have here . You the creator or the seller ? Stallholder : Both . What are you looking for ? If you can 't see what you want I 'll be able to make it for you , though that may cost a bit more . Man : I 'm more interested in a trade . I 'm looking for a supply of good pots and jars . Our village potter died last year and he had no family to take over the job , so we 're a bit stuck . They talk about prices , though the audience can 't hear it . Margaret comes on from stage right , holding a basket of food and looks around as if she 's looking for another stall . She sees the man talking to the stallholder and thinks she recognises him . She gasps as she realises that she does . The stallholder turns to her and waves and the man turns to see her and looks at her , then turns back to the stallholder . Margaret exits stage right . Stallholder : Her name is Margaret . She lives with a man called John Maynard as his housekeeper with her two daughters . Came back to the town to see her father after her husband was murdered . Why ? Man : Village business . You know what it 's like in small towns and villages . There are things you need to take care of that you don 't want the law involved in . Man : ( Hesitates ) No . I 'm sure you can 't . Won 't stop me coming back another time and trying though . If you catch my drift . Woohoooooooo , it 's Friday . And where else would I start but with Oddbox . This week , the world pole - dancing championships ( with men daincing too ) , an angel sculpture made out of margarine , panda poo tea and a question : did a man really flap his wings and fly ? Burkeman gives some examples of how this would affect certain parts of the English Canon . ' To be or not to be . . . ' would be revamped as ' To live or not to live , I ask this question ' and ' The Lord is my shepherd ' would be rewritten as ' The Lord functions as my shepherd ' . Hmmmm . It did , however , get me thinking about this idea to help me with writing and editing . I sometimes get a problem with a sentence or a paragraph that I know isn 't right , but I can 't for the life of me work out why . By rephrasing it without using ' to be ' , I can 't always see the problem , but I can get a different perspective and give myself more options with description . ' He is ' , ' she is ' etc , can all be changed to make writing less stilted and more varied . The removal of ' to be ' from our own language can also help us to focus on what is true about ourselves . Instead of saying ' I am a failure ' , we would have to say , ' I feel like a failure ' , or ' I have failed at this task ' . First up , I have finished off two short stories for Write1Sub1 . One is an old story I 've dusted down and the other is a brand new one . Now for the dilemma : do I sub 2 or save one for next month and give myself an easier life ? Sub 2 I think . As for the performance in May , we have gotten our teeth into rehearsals and are half way through Act 1 . As we only have two hours of rehearsals , twice a week , we 're cutting it fine with not much rehearsal time , but we can do it . Tonight we ran through my main part where I threaten Poopay 's life and nearly kill her . As the young lady acting the role has a bad back we 've worked out how to do it without me throwing her around the stage . And now , the play I 'm , writing . I 've reached Act 2 , scene 1 . All comments are welcome whether good or bad . I 'm especially interested in your thoughts on the realism of the situation and the dialogue . Margaret : Girls . That 's enough . Elizabeth , put the chess set away and get a book to read , providing Mr Maynard doesn 't mind . John : ( Looks down at the book on his lap ) I 've been thinking about moving away . From this town . Moving to Oxford . I have family there , a brother , who runs a clothing business . He 's been asking me to move to Oxford since the deaths of my family and , to be truthful , he could use my head for business . ( The three women look at him horrified ) John : It wouldn 't be immediately . It would take a few weeks to get everything organised , tie up loose ends here , not that there are many of them , so you have time to consider it . ( Pause ) I suppose you want to know why I 'm thinking about this ? John : I wish I knew . The truth is , at the moment I 'm caught between leaving this place behind and all the memories that go with it and wanting to help you . If you decided to stay I 'm not sure I would want to go badly enough to leave you behind . John : After a fashion . But I also respect you . You saved your daughters from death , brought them here and didn 't give up trying to do the best for your family . ( Pause ) No one can live their life alone when they have responsibilities . Sometimes , not even when they have none . I feel the need of a new start , a new life in a new place . I think you need one too . Not to forget your husband ( Looks at the girls ) your father , but to carry on living . I 've spent too much time wallowing and being spoon fed through other people 's guilt . Oxford won 't remove the memories of what happened here , but it will break the ties that hold me back . Goodnight . John exits stage right Margaret : ( Stands up ) ELIZABETH . ( Elizabeth takes a step back , scared ) Stop that talk at once . This is not a game of chess we 're playing , this is real . Elizabeth : Sorry mother . I just . . . I mean . . . I don 't . . . ( sits on the floor and starts to cry ) I miss father . I miss not seeing him come home , I miss acting out plays and scenes from plays . I miss home . And I 'm scared . Elizabeth : ( Angry ) I 'm not putting obstacles in the way of anything . I followed you here when I could have stayed at home and married Philip . I didn 't have to come with you . I left MY life behind too . And now you want us to go off with a man you hardly know to a place we 've never been and start a new life ? All I want to know is that we 'll all be safe . Margaret : And that 's what I 'm trying to provide . But unmarried women with children can 't just go out and do what they like . It 's always been like that and maybe it always will . And at this moment , my options are limited , as are yours . Do you really think that Philip would take you as a wife after what happened to your father ? Do you ? Elizabeth : That 's the point . We don 't know anything . We don 't know why father was killed , whether we would all have been hung , whether Philip would have married me , we don 't know . ( She collapses to the floor and sobs loudly ) We don 't know . Margaret : ( Walks over to Elena and pulls her towards Elizabeth ) I haven 't made any decision about Oxford or anything else . I was hoping that we could stay here for a while before deciding anything . But I can 't . I have to consider this and what would happen if we stayed here . Yet another award , this time From Lisa Shafer . She writes YA fiction and her current release is entitled ' Confessions of an Average Half - Vampire ' a story about a teenager who is a half - vampire . Having read it , I would say it 's a good book for adults too . Onto other things , and a gentle reminder that I 'm running a competition to win ebooks . The rules are available on last Monday 's blog , so hop on over and enter if you haven 't already . If you have , post another entry anyway . Be careful with your points - of - view . Sometimes it 's tempting to write a scene and get inside the head of more than one person . Their advice is not to do this as it can be confusing to the reader unless done well . If you need different perspectives , break the scene up by leaving a line - break between the points of view . The good news is that we have definately got a Jessica for ' Communicating Doors ' so I get to play an all out baddy . In my first scene I get face to face with a dominatrix and dominate her and in my second scene I push her around . I have to be careful though , as the young lady has a bad back after a car accident a couple of years ago so I can 't be too horrible . On the plus side , she gets to stick a sofa on top of my body after killing me later on in the play . I 've added another scene to ' Apollo the Thirteenth ' and it 's taken me in a surprising direction . Commander Anne Howe is now married after proposing to her chief medical officer on the bridge of her starship . Why ? She 's known him for years and it seemed like a good idea . Well , the book 's a comedy so why not . I can always delete the scene later if it doesn 't fit . In addition , I 've started on Act 2 of the play and it 's starting to get real heavy . I was initially wondering whether I should skip the scene I 'd planned , but decided to start writing it anyway to see what would happen . In the end it 's turned out to be an excellent scene and ends on a philosophical note . You can read it next week . There is a fire in the hearth . John sits in his armchair , reading a book . Margaret sits on a wooden chair sewing while the two girls are on the floor playing chess . Elena makes a move . John : ( Not looking up from his book ) I don 't mind the noise . It makes a pleasant change from years of silence . Besides , Elena 's questions are perfectly logical . ( He looks up and at Elena ) However , your sister is correct . Those are the rules and you have to learn to play within the rules . John : You can 't win all the time . As it is in chess , so it is in life . Sometimes you win , sometimes you lose . When I used to trade between towns there were goods that I bought in one place that I made a large profit on , but others that I made a loss on . I just tried to make sure that I lost far less often than I gained , or at least , lost less money than I made elsewhere . John : I didn 't specialise in anything particular . I found out what each town needed and then found somewhere that made it or grew it . I then went to the town , bought as much of the good that I thought I could sell and brought to the other town and sold it . ( Puts his book on his lap ) Most of my trips involved me being away for weeks at a time , going round the local towns and villages , buying and selling and whatever was leftover I brought back here . To this town . Sometimes I bought things for this house . Margaret : When I was in the market , the man selling and sharpening knives wouldn 't say anything about it . He , and everyone else , don 't want to talk about you ? Why ? John closes his eyes and looks at the ceiling and the women look at each other . They wait for a moment longer hoping that John will speak . He doesn 't . John : Your sister 's right . On this occasion at least . There are some things that are best left in the past and left unknown . And I think your sister wishes she didn 't know . Elizabeth : Because I pestered him to , I kept asking him . And then he looked at me . ( Pause ) You know that look he gets . . . got in his eyes when he was being very serious ? That 's the look he gave me and asked if I really wanted to know , because if I did , he would tell me and then I 'd have to live with that knowledge for the rest of my life . ( She looks down at the chessboard , picks up a piece and plays with it ) I said I wanted to know , so he told me . I wish I didn 't now , but at least I know that he loved you . Only a man who truly loved you would marry you after what happened . John : ( Collects his thoughts ) I left town one morning on another trading trip , though I was only going away for a few days this time . Winter was coming and I didn 't want to be away when the weather changed . I loaded up my cart , made sure my horse was fit and fed and left the town . I completed my trip earlier than I expected and when I got home I found the house deserted . I waited till dusk , assuming that they were out shopping or with friends , but when night came and they hadn 't returned home I went to look for them . As I left the house , it dawned on me that the housekeeper had gone too , which was very odd . I knocked at my neighbour 's door and it took several minutes before he answered . I kept knocking as I knew they were in , the light was burning in their parlour . When I asked if he knew where my family and my housekeeper were , he looked down at his shoes , mumbled something and then asked me to come in . My wife and children had been killed . By the Millers . My wife had been . . . taken . By the man who was to be your husband . He then did the same to my children . I asked what had been done and when my neighbour , who I haven 't talked to since then , told me that nothing had been done except bury my family , I was incensed . He tried to remonstrate with me and remind me that the Millers owned the town , but I stormed out and went home . As a trader you must carry a gun and a sword at all times , in case you meet a highwayman and I 've had several occasions to use such weapons so I 've become quite skilled . I didn 't always get the best of them , but I managed to half the time . I took these weapons from their box and marched over the inn where the Millers drank . It was late , nearly the middle of the night , when I arrived , something I made sure of . I was not so angry that I didn 't want to get an advantage over them and their being drunk was an advantage I could use . With one shot I killed that man . I put the gun against his chest and he dared me to pull the trigger . I did . His brother and father were unarmed , but decided to launch themselves at me and within a few seconds they too were dead . I looked around at the other customers , people who had been drinking and laughing with these butchers and challenged them to try me for murder , to put me in front of a judge . No one did and no one ever has . ( Pause ) And that 's what happened to my family . John : Guilt . Not long afterwards , a few days I think , they swore in a new council . Margaret : Which is why that man was bitter at me . John : Adam . His wife left him and took the children . We don 't know where they are now and no one really cares . Elizabeth : What about the other wives and children ? What happened to them ? Do they still live here ? John : No . One married in the town , but the rest left . She died last year , during childbirth . She was the only member of the family not tainted by the murders and other crimes . John : Yes . The new Mayor paid me a visit the day after he was sworn in and said that the townspeople were grateful for my actions and that no action would be taken against me . They had the remaining Millers , and their servants , jailed until a trial could be held . John : It never went to trial as they realised that too many people in this town had blood on their hands . Turning a blind eye to crimes , or taking part , even unwillingly . Any independent judge would condemn half the town to jail . . . or death . John : The last of them died in jail six months ago . A family retainer . Some were given the option of taking their own lives and did so , even though it is an unchristian thing to do . Two were poisoned . Only one of them escaped , but she was soon recovered and . . . accidentally drowned when she fell into the canal . John : More guilt I would imagine . They 've gotten used to me and my habits and have been able to live their lives as normally as possible for a while now . Now you 've returned , and after the tale you 've told , they are reminded of their sins . John : ( Leans forward to Elena ) I can never be your father and you can never be my daughter , and the thought of marrying again does not appeal . But that is no reason I cannot look after and provide for you , your sister and your mother . Elena leans forward and hugs him . Margaret goes to stand , but Elizabeth grabs her mother 's arm and shakes her head . Margaret sits down . John : What can I do ? This is my home . I 've not left this town once since the death of my family . I have no business , all my contacts will have started trading with other people and I no longer have the desire to travel as I once did . There 's a knock at the door . John goes to answer it . Elizabeth and Elena continue with their chess game and Margaret returns to the sewing , all deep in thought . John returns and sits down , but doesn 't continue with his book . Got a song trapped in your head that you want to get rid of ? Here are 10 ways to get rid of it . My favourite suggestion is to sing ' Mnah Mnah ' by the Muppets , though I prefer the Pink Panther theme . I have been tagged in a couple of Memes , so I thought I 'd share them today . First up , I was tagged in the Lucky 7 Meme by Freya Morris . The rules are straightforward . " That 's one of the new rules . It wasn 't in force when you were training me . Sadly . " He opened his fingers and peered through them at Ban Hou . She sat on the edge of his coffee table , legs crossed , hands placed behind her . " You 've lost weight . " " I can be any shape I want . I improved my looks too , not that it 's easy to better perfection , but I did it . " She smiled at him , but it wasn 't the hateful , cruel smile he remembered . What is the title of your current WIP . Tell us about it ? I have two on the go and a play . The first novel is the follow up to A Stitch in Time and is currently called Apollo the Thirteenth . In this one , Mae tells the tale of how her parents were chased round the moon by the Apollo 13 lander , which turns out to be a Dagon weapon that they never used in the war . The second is a comic fantasy with the working title of Magic and is about a wizard and his apprentice fighting comic book villains . The play is a more serious tale about a woman and her two daughters who have to flee their village after her husband is murdered . If you could do anything tomorrow , what would you do ? Take my kids on holiday to somewhere warm . There would be lots of athletic things for my youngest to do and lots of computers so my other two boys can play games . I 'd have a brand new ereader and all the books I could ever want . What was the scariest thing you 've ever done ? Climb to the second floor of the Eiffel Tower . I 'm scared of heights so much , I get a nosebleed when I stand on tiptoes . What is the strangest place you 've ever got an idea for a story ? The bathroom . I don 't go out much ( All together now . . . aaaaaawwwwwwwwwww ) . If you just won a ticket to anywhere in the world and you had to take me , where would you take me and why ? Well , Valentina , if you 're asking me out on a date you 're going about it in a roundabout way . Alright I 'll stop messing about . I think I 'd take you to Hay - on Wye and spend the entire day going round the book and tea shops . If you 're lucky I 'll treat you to a Pizza before taking you home . Why ? I think you like books as much as I do . My goal is to write a new story and submit that new story each month . Stories that get rejected get resubmitted in addition to this , so in December I could be submitting twelve stories . But where 's the harm in that ? What else have I been doing apart from entertaining you with my blogs ? I have added a few thousand words to one of my novels and realised I 'm not sure if I want it to be a comedy or not . Why ? My mood . There are days when I get a little more than sad and that reflects itself in my writing , but I also find that on those days , what I write brings to the fore how a particular story should be written . I 'll give it some thought , but I may still edit the story to be comedic rather than straight . The scenes I 've written are , like most comedy , able to be comedic or tragic . What , you ask is a ' COMP ' ? It 's a competition . I 'm offering a choice of two ebooks from Starfish Publishing 's current list for the three lucky winners . Anyone who enters will have their name hand - written by a handsome man ( not me ) or beautiful woman on a hand - cut piece of paper . The three winners will be drawn by two lovely ladies and one gorgeous man ( still not me ) who will stick their hands in a hat and rummage around to find you . Margaret : Excuse me . ( No answer ) Excuse me , can I ask you a question ? Man turns round and stops what he is doing when he sees Margaret . Man : Oh yes . ( He stiffens and becomes less friendly ) I 'd heard you 'd returned . You 're not very popular in this town after the way you left with that . . . that . . . what was he ? An actor ? Margaret : I don 't know . I just know that he made sure we , myself and our daughters , were safe . He led them away to give us time to leave . My youngest daughter saw them hit him with a club and we all stared as they beat him to death . Then they started looking for us . Margaret : No one knows . No one wants to listen . ( She 's getting angrier ) All you people want to do is judge me on an action you know about but don 't understand from twenty years ago . You have no idea what that man I was due to marry was like , but then why would you care . He 's one of yours , or was . And you know what . I 'm glad he died in pain , but I don 't believe he had broken heart . He didn 't have a heart . He was cruel and treated me as if I was some common whore . He took me before we were married . In his Uncle 's field . And then threatened me , saying that if I told anyone I 'd be found floating in the river . As far as I know he was responsible for the death of Hester . Remember her . ( She 's face to face with him now ) Man : Yes . She was my sister . They were engaged . She told me what he 'd done . I 'm sorry for what I said , I didn 't realise he 'd taken you too . I told your father but he didn 't want to listen . He said that he had to marry you off or it would be too late for you and . . . that man , was the only one who 'd take you . Margaret : It doesn 't seem as if it 's anyone 's place to say anything . ( She turns away and walks a couple of steps before stopping and turns to face the man again ) If it wasn 't for the fact that I have nowhere else to go , I would leave this place . It 's just the same as I remember it . The only difference is the faces of those who run it . ( She exits stage right ) Man : It 's not the same place , Margaret . It 's far worse and in ways you can 't imagine . You 'd have been better off staying away . You don 't know what you 've walked back into and you don 't deserve any of this . Ever wondered why Democracy doesn 't work ? Professor David Dunning , a psychologist at Cornell University , shows incompetent people are inherently unable to judge the competence of other people , or the quality of those people 's ideas . Or , to put it simply , we 're all stupid . |
Forgive me for taking my childhood and my country for granted . Hardly ever giving it a thought . In light of what is going on in the world and the season . . . it only seems right to really stop and thank you . To thank you for as much as I can think of . Thank you for blessing me with good and loving parents . They never abused me . . . physically , sexually , or emotionally . No one in my family did . Thank you ! Thank you that you always fed me . I never worried about whether or not I would eat . In fact , I could go to the refrigerator or cupboard pretty much anytime that I wanted to . In the morning , I never thought twice about getting lunch money from the dish on mom 's dresser before leaving for school . It was always there . I always had access to clean water to drink and to bathe in . It was easy to get to . . . no walking for miles and hauling it home for me . I never had to wear torn or ragged clothing . . . or shoes that were too small . I had a choice every single day from a variety of clothing hanging in my closet or in my dresser drawers . If I wasn 't satisfied with that , I could usually borrow something from one of my sisters . And that wasn 't all . . . if I was bored with my wardrobe , I could usually coerce my parents to drive us to the mall to buy something new . I had more than one pair of shoes . My clothes were lovingly washed regularly and folded for me . I always had a winter coat , boots , knit hats and gloves in the winter . . . . not to mention a home to be warmed and welcomed in . I had a bed to sleep in . I never had to fear that a rocket would hit my house as I slept . . . or anytime for that matter . I was allowed to get an education . . . even though I was a girl . It was free ! I could even walk to school or ride a bus there every day without fearing for my safety . I had access to textbooks , school supplies and a school library . I had good teachers . I went to a school that I felt safe in . We had all the equipment that a school needed in the 1970 's and 80 's . . . and even extra things . I was not scorned by the kids at school . I was accepted , for the most part . No one accused me of being a terrorist or a murderer because of my race or religion . Sure , there was the occasional bully . . . but because of my secure homelife . . . I believed I was worth something , in spite of what they tried to tell me . I was reassured by my parents over and over again that I was created by a loving God , that I was a good girl and that they loved me too . I was encouraged , praised , believed in . . . and yes . . . occasionally disciplined when I needed it . I was taught to be able to discern right from wrong . I had excellent role models who practiced what they preached . Thank you . This gave me security and direction . It made me understand who I was and who I could become as I grew up . I didn 't have to be afraid that people would discover that I went to church , owned a Bible or that I was a Christian . We did not have to meet secretly in someone 's house or barn to worship . No one was going to arrest my parents because of their relationship with Christ . I had pastors , youth group leaders , Sunday school teachers . . . and later on I had Young Life leaders who modeled the Christian life for me , handed me the torch of faith and cheered me onward ! Thank you for other people in my church growing up . . . who I knew were Christians and impacted me . They were not always formal teachers , but they taught me what it meant to love and follow God just the same . They are too numerous to list , but I can think of a few key people . Mrs . M DeVries , Mrs . J DeVries , Mrs B McGovern , Mrs . M Lamberts , Mrs . C Lowater , Mr . S Justice , J Perez , . . . . too many to name ! At my church , I didn 't have to worry about rebels breaking in and chopping off someone 's limb , burning down my church , or killing my pastor . It sounds so horrible to speak of . . . but these are real things that Christians around the world sometimes have to face . I just cannot imagine the horror of it . In my country , I can say what I want and choose what to believe . . . even if it isn 't politically popular . I do not live in fear ! I can disagree with my neighbor without them reporting me to the authorities . I had the freedom to choose any career that I wanted to pursue . There were no social or economical barriers for me . I never had to sneak off to take a dangerous boat ride to the shores of a foreign country just because the leaders of my country were so evil . I was never denied entry to any country . I don 't remember ever feeling hated or ostracized because of my skin color . As a kid , I had a bike of my own . I could just hop on it and ride it to a friend 's house or to the dairy to buy an ice cream or candy . I did not fear my friends ' parents or the shop keepers , come to think of it . They were friendly . I lived in a good and safe community . Even strangers were pretty safe when I was growing up . If I got hurt , someone helped me . In fact , I remember becoming very ill once when I was out running as a teenager . ( Probably because I wasn 't much of a runner . . . . but that 's another story ) An older couple stopped and asked me if I needed help . I was so sick that I couldn 't even walk home . They gave me a ride in their car to my house . I never found out their names . Thank you for that blessing . . . that you sent people to help me when I needed it . As a child , I had toys , pets , and a swing set . I could turn on any electrical device with a simple switch on the wall . The electricity didn 't go out constantly . We had heat and insulation in our house . Our house was sturdy . It had 10 rooms in it , plus an attic and garage ! ( Not to mention several closets ) I even had my own bedroom for part of my childhood ! We had a clean , working toilet and shower in our house ! I could watch TV , listen to the radio or go outside to play in the neighborhood . I went camping , swimming , roller skating , ice skating and to birthday parties . We had a big garden in our backyard that yielded a crazy amount of vegetables . I didn 't always appreciate it as a kid . . . but I sure do thank you for the nutritious food I had as a kid today ! I heard not too long ago about some kids in Haiti who have to resort to eating dirt cakes just to fill their stomachs ! Wow ! Lord , I thank you so much for every bite of squash that my parents made me eat as a kid . I hated it . . . but thank you for that squash ! I also had access to affordable healthcare . I had immunizations that kept me healthy and regular dental care so I had good teeth . I even was blessed to have orthodontic work to correct an overbite . Thank you ! I had a mother who asked me what kind of cake I wanted for my birthday , and I always got a present . Grandma and grandpa would come over , and they would give me hugs , kisses , and some money in a birthday card . They would say , " You can buy whatever you want with it . " Sometimes I even had a friend stay over night for my birthday . I almost always had someone to play with because I was blessed to be the middle of two girls . One was two years older and the other was two years younger . I was never too little or too much older to play with either one or the other . Thank you for my sisters , Lord . We are still good friends today . My dad always had a job , and he and my mother were always healthy . I never had to go through the loss of either one of them as a kid . Dad would come home after work and he was always glad toHeavenly Father , I could go on and on and on and on about what a wonderful childhood and upbringing I had . Not everyone is as blessed as I was . Help me to realize this everyday , never to take it for granted , and to have compassion for those suffering in this world . Help me to love every one of the teenagers in my school who come into the library that I am fortunate enough to be able to work in . Help me to love every one of the kids who hate libraries and never set foot in one unless forced to do so . Help me to always recognize that the tough and defiant kid . . . might be hurting inside . Maybe they are not living the ideal childhood . Or maybe they are . . . but don 't realize it yet . Holy Spirit , I need your help to see them the way you see them . It was August of 1990 . I was 23 years old and working at a Christian summer camp up on Saranac Lake in the Adirondack Mountains . I worked in the kitchen and was one of the head cooks . I had a crew of about 8 high school students working under me . We were up bright and early to prepare breakfast for some 300 teenagers who were campers that week , plus staff . Something had gone terribly wrong with the order for food that week . We did not have nearly enough eggs to feed everyone that morning . We began panicking , checking and rechecking the walk - in cooler , hoping to find more eggs that we knew weren 't there . Finally someone in the kitchen said , " Hey . . . Jesus fed 5000 with a few loaves of bread and some fishes . Let 's pray . " So together we prayed about it and asked the Lord to make it enough . I opened my eyes and saw the same measly amount of eggs . Never - the - less , we counted out the bowls for the number of tables and began divvying up the eggs into each one . " Ugh ! " I thought to myself . Each bowl had barely enough eggs to feed four or five people ! Each of the dining room tables had somewhere between 8 - 10 chairs . . . . which undoubtedly would each be filled by a hungry teenager . We put the bowls on the counters for the servers to come and take to the tables . I remember feeling somewhat embarrassed . Although I hadn 't been in charge of ordering the food , I was the assigned head cook in the kitchen that morning . It was on my head that day ! Tony , the other head cook , was either safely still tucked into his bunk . . . or out in the dining hall expecting to eat a hearty breakfast just like everyone else out there . I envied him at that moment . Me ? I felt like hiding ! I waited to hear the inevitable complaints that there was not enough . . . or to see the empty bowls come back to the kitchen with expectations for being filled once again . Yes . . . I had little faith that our prayer had been answered . I waited . . . and nothing happened . All I heard was the happy chatter and laughter of campers and staff coming through the open door to the dining hall . Soon it was time to start clearing the tables . The bus boys and servers went out to gather up the plates and serving dishes . All of us were stunned to see many of the bowls coming back with some scrambled eggs still in them ! How could this be ? Did a lot of the campers pass on the eggs that morning ? I heard a shout into the kitchen from one of the counselors , " Hey cooks ! Thanks once again for another awesome breakfast . It was delicious ! You guys are the best ! " I was amazed ! ( And still am . . . truth be told . ) I started inquiring amongst the campers as to whether or not they had eaten scrambled eggs that morning . The vast majority said they had . . . which is normal . I could almost hear Christ saying to me , " Why do you doubt me ? Oh you of little faith . " The kitchen crew dubbed the experience , " The Miracle of the Eggs . " I 've long since lost touch with the people I worked with that summer . We were from all over the country . New York , Virginia , West Virginia , Iowa , Ohio , Maryland , and Massachusetts to name a few . I wonder if they tell the story of " The Miracle of the Eggs . " If you hear someone else tell it , I was there . It really happened ! It is interesting to note that so far . . . not a single day at Wayne has gone by where I haven 't met at least one more Christian since meeting Lynne on Thursday . Today it was two students . These two girls come in every day to the library and are so sweet . This morning I noticed that one of the girls had a Bible verse written on her notebook . I stopped , indicated the verse with my hand , and said , " I 'm your sister . " Both girls were very happy about it . One said , " Yay ! " I found out about four more Christians who are my coworkers . ( Can 't say I met them because I had met every one of them already ) That 's four more besides Lynne . . . the woman who I met yesterday . I was also told that our superintendent is a Christian too . I feel very blessed ! I was thinking about my Christian coworkers at Martha Brown MS . I miss seeing and interacting with them . I got into the car and started the commute to my new school . And then I said to God , " Could you show me a Christian at my school , Lord ? " I knew that there had to be some . That was the prayer I lifted up either yesterday or the day before . I don 't remember which . Today a woman came into my library . She asked me if I had any Christian books in the collection . I said , " Do you mean fiction books , or information about Christianity ? " It didn 't turn out to be either . She was looking for a specific title . She couldn 't remember it though . I said we could look on Amazon to see if we could figure it out if we knew part of the title . Then we tried Christian Book Distributers . I told her I was a Christian too . . . because I assumed that she was . Then she told me that there are a few others and they gather on Friday mornings before school in a teacher 's room . I told her about the prayer I had lifted up a few days earlier . I said , " You 're the answer to my prayer ! " She told me that she didn 't really know why she had asked me if we had any Christian books because she knew we really didn 't . I said , " You asked me that so that I could find out you are a Christian ! " The weekend before last , I did something that I never thought I would do . I went to my 30th high school reunion ! I had always been afraid to go . I was afraid that I would see that someone . That is totally foolish because God clearly spoke to me on the bus 28 years ago and told me that I would never see that someone again on this earth . Oh me of little faith and unbelief ! There was always a lingering doubt for me . . . thinking , " What if ? " I knew that seeing this person would never be a good idea for me . . . and God knew it too . That is why God promised to protect me from that . Have you ever heard the saying , " Is that a threat , or a promise ? " This saying just came to mind and it actually made me laugh out loud . I had originally viewed the Lord 's message to me as a threat . . . but now see it as a loving promise . I am now happy to say that my faith and trust has grown so much that I no longer fear seeing that someone at all . There is no " what if . " I 'm so sure of God 's promise to me that I am positive that that " someone " and I could both be wandering around the same department store , at the same time . . . and the Lord would never have us see each other . Why did it take so many years to really believe this ? I don 't know ! It 's crazy that I would have ever doubted my Lord . Anyway . . . back to the reunion . I had a surprisingly wonderful time ! It was really fun . I was afraid that I wouldn 't have anything to talk about with anyone . I can be quite introverted at times . However , I had no trouble at all . What was unexpected was how much I had to talk about with people that I never even hung out with in high school . It was like we had been the best of chums or something . I had been rather quiet in high school and was convinced that most people probably didn 't even remember me . I was proved wrong . I 'm glad I went . I almost didn 't , but was talked into it by Phil S . He is now a parent of one of the kids at the high school I work at . He saw me during open house and told me I should go . He and I had been friends in high school . He told me that I may regret some day that I never went to one . I got to thinking about it and decided he was right . I should go to at least one . . . so I did . Jamie came to the reunion with me . I have a running joke that I can never take my husband with me anywhere where he doesn 't find someone he knows . I thought that my 30th reunion would be safe . Nope ! Not safe ! We get to the reunion . . . which was packed full of people milling around , hugging each other , etc . Then I see one of my classmates wave to Jamie from across the room , and he waved back ! It turns out that they know each other because LaBarge Media ( my husband 's place of employment ) worked with the company she works for to produce some promotional video for them . Of course ! She was very surprised to find that he was married to someone she had gone to junior high and high school with . It was really quite fun to catch up with people . The only thing that bothered me was that I also had hung out quite a bit with kids who were either the year ahead of me or behind me . . . and I would have loved to see them too . Since it was not their reunion , they naturally were not there . I would have posted a picture , but I did not take any . A friend of mine sent me one of him and I . . . but he asked me to please not post it anywhere . . . because he is now a Catholic priest . He didn 't think that it would be a good idea for a photo of him with his arm draped around a woman be published on the Internet . Especially while he was wearing his liturgical clothes . It was really quite innocent . . . just his arm around my shoulders to pose , but I really understand his concern so I am honoring him by not posting it . I was also quite complimented by a classmate named Richard who told my husband that the woman my husband married had been the " queen of nice " in high school . His exact words . ( Never mind that he was a bit sloshed when he said it ) It is very nice to be remembered in a positive light . Audra and one of her roommates , Molly had gone to the dining hall to get dinner . It was quite crowded , so they took two open seats at the end of an otherwise crowded table . It turned out that the table was full of students from The International Club . Many of them were international students of course . They were all very friendly and engaged Audra and Molly in conversation . They asked where Audra and Molly were from . Audra usually answers this question by saying , " New York State " or " Near Rochester , NY . " But this time she said , " Canandaigua , NY . " Immediately , the boy sitting next to her , who was from Sri Lanka , said , " What ? ! My mother was an exchange student to Canandaigua , NY ! " Wow ! Small world ! But it gets even better . Apparently his mother became so close to her host family that they still keep in close contact . Her host parents consider her to be another daughter . They have even gone to Sri Lanka to visit her , and her family has flown to the USA to visit them . " The boy told Audra that he has been to Canandaigua to visit his " American grandparents . " He asked her if she knew the M _______ family . Audra said that she did not . At this point , he probably thought that this would be the end of the discussion . Oh no . . . . God is much too cool for that ! I came home and Jamie told me the story . As soon as he mentioned that there was a boy sitting at the table from Sri Lanka , I thought to myself , " Oh . . . that 's the country Sally M 's exchange student was from . " ( I had actually met this former exchange student when she and her family visited the US . Sally had brought her along to Community Bible Study ) When he finished telling me the story , I said , " I know the host family ! " It was so exciting to me . Jamie does not know them because I only knew Sally and her daughter Julie through CBS . Jamie doesn 't go to that . I also messaged Julie on FB : Does your former exchange student from Sri Lanka have a son who goes to IWU ? If so , my daughter just met him . They ate dinner together . I also got a message from Sally today because she was pretty excited about it too . I told both Sally and Julie that I have a son and a daughter going to IWU and that they have a car . If their " grandson / nephew " would like to visit them over a break , he has transportation ! Now isn 't that a really cool story ? Of all the Christian Universities in the US , he ended up at IWU . Of all the crowded tables with two empty seats , Audra and Molly chose that one . And Audra including the name of her town when saying where she 's from . I know that God orchestrates these very fun things because He just loves blessing his children ! I don 't really consider myself to be an overly emotional person . I 've never been the helicopter mother . I 've allowed my children space to grow up and be independent . I know college will be good for them , but at the same time I worry and I really miss them . The house seems very empty . Eight and a half hours away is very far . I never expected to be hired by Wayne CSD this summer . I hadn 't even applied for the job . The principal of the school called me up to tell me he had learned about my credentials and asked if I would consider interviewing for the job . The first question of the interview was a disaster and I was sure that I had lost the job at that very moment . They liked me anyway ! I was curious about this regular visitor so I decided to do a little sleuthing . I figured out that the IP address connected to that visitor is a proxy IP . I don 't know why this person thinks they must hide their location while reading my blog . Maybe they will comment about this and enlighten me . This is horrible . This is not just because I am self centered and like to be cool on hot days . ( Although that might be part of it ) It is very bad for the books to be subjected to heat and humidity . I 've noticed that some of the books , especially the older ones , smell a bit musty . I will be trying to change this . 5 . My new office has a motion sensitive light . When I 'm working at my desk , it will turn off and then I 'm in the dark . Okay . . so it isn 't totally dark , but this is still quite annoying . Especially since the motion sensor cannot " see " me so I cannot simply wave my arms around . I must get up and go around my desk to turn on the light . I will be buying a desk lamp very soon . I just found this out last weekend . When I was lead to pray for her many years ago , I felt strongly that it was her health and that it might be serious . I begged the Lord to heal her and spare her life so that her husband wouldn 't be broken - hearted and alone . After my prayer , I " reasoned " with myself that I was being rediculous and that my obsessive thinking and imagination was getting the best of me . I still prayed ' just in case ' , but figured that it was probably nothing . Last weekend I stalked her on the Internet . ( Yes , I admit it . . . but don 't we all do this with people from time to time ? ) That was when I learned of her bout with cancer . 7 . This same woman is a beautiful daughter of Christ both inside and out . This fills me with joy . I think she must be a wonderful woman and I 'm glad she was the person the Lord chose . This summer , he took on the job of being assistant program director at a Christian camp in the Adirondack Mountains . My husband and I went up to the camp to pick up our daughter who had been a camper for a week . We got to see Allen ( age 20 ) in his role as assistant PD . He lead with authority and even prayed for all of the campers and the camp speaker who was about to give a message . It brings great joy to us as parents to see him growing into a responsible adult who follows the Lord . We were in the backyard at Jamie 's sister 's house . They live in the country , so you can see a lot of stars on a clear night . Alicia pointed out several constellations to me . She was able to name them and tell me about the Greek and Roman stories behind them . She is a quiet girl and I was impressed with her excitement and willingness to share her knowledge with us . I asked her if she had learned it in school . She said no . She learned it because she was interested in it and researched it on her own . Her librarian mother was so proud of her ! We drove out to Indiana on Friday to drop off Allen and Audra at school . We stayed in a nearby hotel and arrived on campus to move them in on Saturday . Audra has two roommates who seem nice . They spent quite a bit of time setting up their room , decorating , and in discussing organization and decorating ideas . There was even some discussion about different devotionals they have used . Allen showed up to discover that his roommate opted not to transfer to IWU . So Allen has a single for now . He quickly unpacked his stuff , put together his bed , and declared himself settled . We managed to purchase a car for them so they have transportation . Since the trip out is 8 1 / 2 hours , this should make things a bit easier for them and us . These were taken yesterday evening . . . just before gathering in a circle to pray as a family for them . We said our good - byes and then left . I 'm glad that they have each other and that they get along so well . They always have . I feel very good about the school and it 's strong Christian stance . We attended a worship service last night to welcome new students . During that worship service , a prayer was lifted up for the new students and a short message on following Christ was given . I couldn 't help thinking about the contrast between this experience and the experience my parents had when dropping me off at college . My college was clearly not a godly environment . My roommate was definitely not a believer . There was nothing to welcome new students and certainly no worship service , although I believe that my parents prayed for me as they drove away that day . I think leaving me there must have been difficult for them . I feel at peace about leaving them there . . . but think that they could have chosen a school that was closer ! ; ) We will miss them . The house already seems a bit quiet . Now we must adjust to having only one child left . Alicia is in eleventh grade this year . . . which means that in two years , we could have three children in college at once ! I don 't know that they will be home before Thanksgiving break , but there is a parent weekend in October . I was nearing the end of my delayed grief . It had been really a difficult thing to go through . I was glad to finally begin seeing the light at the end of the tunnel . One day I cried out to God and said , " Lord . . . I 'm getting this ! I 'm accepting it . I 'm okay with this now . . . but can you please just let me know somehow that he ( the one I lost ) is following you ? I just really want to be assured that he is walking with you . " I had almost forgotten about that cry out to the Lord when about two weeks later , God suddenly just dropped the answer into my lap . Before I tell you what happened , I need to tell you the following as background information . At this time , I had been corresponding with a childhood friend who was living in Ohio . Quite frankly , this woman was driving me crazy . She was sending me multiple emails a day . . . mostly full of nonsense . You know the type . . . pictures of puppies and kittens , urban legends , stories that ended with instructions to " send this to 10 people if you love Jesus , " and the like . It got to the point where I pretty much stopped opening the emails she sent . I just hit delete . One day I opened my mailbox and against my better judgement , I opened one of her emails and actually read it . I 'm still not exactly sure what made me do it . . . but I know it was definitely a God thing . The story was quite a touching one about the friendship between Steve Green and Rick Husband . When I got to the bottom of the page , the author identified herself as a secretary of a church , which she named , along with its location . I immediately recognized the name of the town because of sending the letter of apology to first of the two individuals mentioned in this post . " Wow , " I thought . " I wonder if this is the church that he and his family go to . " Honestly , I figured that there were probably a dozen churches in this town and probably some more in neighboring towns that he could have attended just as well . In any case , I decided to look at the church 's website just to see what sort of church it was . I did not expect to see his name or anyone else 's in his family . My husband and I are very active in our church . . . and yet , you cannot find either of our names on our church 's website anywhere . I just expected to go on the site and see names of staff , a mission statement , what sort of ministry opportunities they offer , etc . When I went on the site , I was surprised to find an entire church directory on it . There it was - his name , his wife 's name , their address , and phone number . It even mentioned that his wife was the children 's choir director . I was absolutely stunned and knew it was God 's way of showing me that this person and his family were following Christ . To be honest , I was also a little annoyed by the church for putting this directory on the site . I just thought it was a bit of an infringement on the privacy of its members . ( Jeepers ! You never know who 's going to run across it . . . crazy x - girlfriends for example ! ) A couple of weeks later , I still couldn 't believe how my prayer had been answered . I just had to go on the site to look again . The church directory was no longer there . I was just so amazed that God had really cared enough to answer my prayer . I had not gone looking to find the information . I had not stalked him and his family trying to answer this question . The answer had just been given to me ! Even the disappearing church directory such a short time later was proof to me that the Lord 's hand was in this . I have quite a few very cool stories that show me how real God is or that he just wants to bless us with something amazing . I 'm going to record some of those stories here . I just feel like they should be documented before they are forgotten or lost to time . Some of the stories have something to do with the trial I have spoken about recently . . . others don 't . The other day I thought of one that should be put into the same category as this one . Allen was always a unique child because of his hunger and thirst for Jesus and the Word of God at such a young age . Before he started school , he would sit at the kitchen table and painstakingly copy down Bible verses word for word . He would usually use the box of memory verses that we used as a family . He would ask me to read the verse to him and then he would slowly copy each letter , each word , each punctuation mark onto a piece of paper . Meanwhile , I would be doing the dishes or cooking dinner . I was so intrigued by his dedication , but I had no idea what the Holy Spirit was doing in this little guy 's life while he worked hard at this until he started school . He started kindergarten at Canandaigua Primary School and had Mrs . M as a teacher . From time to time she would pass out paper to the children and tell them that if they knew how to write any words that she would like them to write them down . She would put these papers in a binder that she referred to as a journal . If they only knew some letters , that was okay too . She didn 't expect anything amazing from the children , but this exercise usually gave her a good indication about how the children were progressing with writing . Usually lists of words were short . . . including words such as mommy , daddy , dog , cat , a , the . . . or would include a very simple sentence . But not my Allen . This is what he wrote : Jesus replied , " Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind . " Matthew 22 : 37 This was quite a shock to the teacher . She was so stunned that she had to keep the paper and tell me about it . This woman was not a believer as far as I know and didn 't quite know what to do with Allen who was constantly talking about Jesus in class . She sometimes referred to him affectionately as " the preacher . " Meanwhile , the classroom aid was quietly cheering Allen on because she was a Christian herself . To be quite honest , I was quite surprised too . I had no idea that he was capable of writing something so intricate without having to copy it from another source . He even knew the biblical address of the verse . I truly believe that the Holy Spirit was actually teaching my 4 - 5 year old how to read and write . I also knew and was blessed that these words of truth were seeping deeply into Allen 's mind and soul . This actually has brought tears of joy and gratitude to my eyes . Somewhere in my stuff , I have the very paper that he wrote out the verse on . I found it and added it to the post . I also added a gospel tract of sorts that he created ( with his own words that I added to the back ) around the same age . Yesterday , I went into the library at my new school just to look around . I took Audra with me because she wanted to see it . I looked through every cupboard , drawer and file cabinet . I looked at the book shelves and figured out where all the light switches are ( one can never take that for granted ) . I looked at what technology is available and my teaching space . I started considering how I would arrange my office . Suffice it to say . . . I was a bit overwhelmed . I started to feel some mild anxiety but managed to think my way out of it . However . . . . this morning I woke up with a knot in my stomach and general feeling of dread . That is basically what depression feels like and it stinks . I had applied to five different school districts since June . I got turned down for three of them after one interview and never even got called for another . The last one was a part time position in a really nice school district in Monroe County . I had some very strong connections in this school district . When I went in for the initial interview , which was just with the principal , he basically told me that due to some raving recommendations and my previous work in the district , that I was their top candidate . Wow ! I thought , " This is it . I don 't even care if it is only part time . " I would be working in a large HS with another librarian who is full time . They used to have two librarians at that HS and were hoping to build that up again . I also knew that there may be a chance of getting a full time position in another school in that district since I know of an upcoming retirement next year . I was happily envisioning myself working for this school district soon . I was pretty content , when I got a phone call out of the blue . It was the principal of the HS in Wayne CSD . He told me that they had a full time position open and didn 't get many applicants . He had learned of my credentials by looking through the digital applications online that had been made public to all the school districts that used this particular service . He found mine and was sufficiently impressed . He wondered if I would be willing to come in for an interview . I had actually heard about the opening but missed the deadline for applying . I decided not to worry about it , so I hadn 't given it another thought . I agreed to come in . By this time , I actually had my heart set on the part - time position . I figured that I would go into Wayne , only to have it confirmed that the school district with the PT position would be the better choice . That was not what happened . Instead , I was pretty impressed with the place . The principal and assistant principal were very personable . I immediately felt very comfortable with them . I was called in for a second interview a week later and felt the same thing . It wasn 't at all what I expected . Now I knew that I would have to make a decision because I knew that I would be offered both positions . ( I just knew . . . sometimes you do ) The next morning was my second interview for the PT . It went very well , and I think that it would have been a good choice . I know I could have been very happy there , but decided on the FT at Wayne . So . . . back to this morning . I woke up with this knot in my stomach . Ugh ! I hate when that happens . I just started having all sorts of doubts about my decision . It didn 't matter what I was thinking , because the decision had been made . I had already notified both schools of my intent . I just had this general feeling of , " What have I gotten myself into ? " Typical of depression , I was sure that I didn 't really have what it takes to be successful at the FT position . I wish that I was positive thinking all the time . . . but I 'm not . I had to go in to school to do paperwork today and meet the superintendent . I prayed on the way up there that the Lord would allay my fear and anxiety . I had been pretty sure that I had felt his leading to choose this school , but now was assaulted with doubt ( oh me of little faith ) . I went to the district office and met with the super . As soon as I sat down with him , I felt very comfortable . I met several other people and everyone was very nice . I was feeling good again . I also was quite happy to learn that my salary will be very comparable to what I got when I worked in Webster . I had assumed it would be less because it is a more rural district than Webster is . I went over to the HS to go into the library again . Then I started meeting all sorts of teachers who came in to say hello and introduce themselves . One of the English teachers told me that she had already reserved space in the library for September . I met my mentor , who is going to be a wonderful help to me . I have heard nothing but positive things about my full time aid . I can 't wait to meet her . So . . . the Lord certainly allayed my fear and anxiety today . I have the weekend to relax . I will be in a few different days next week . . . but not every day . Allen comes home from the Adirondacks tomorrow . He and Audra will be around for one week and then they will head off to school at Indiana Wesleyan University at the end of next week . Yes . . . they both chose the same school . That is quite nice for us . ( Gordon just did not give us a realistic financial package , so IWU was the choice ) After we drop them off at school , I will have quite an adjustment to make with only one left at home . How did the time go by so fast ? I 'm glad that I will have a new job to keep me busy . . . not to mention that it will help cover the bills . My first day of school is August 31 . The first day for students in our district is Sept 2 . Alicia does not start school until the day after Labor Day . There has been a change of status for me as of yesterday afternoon . Yesterday morning my status was " unemployed . " I am happy to say that I am now employed by Wayne Central School District as the librarian in the high school there . God is still working on me and I know that when He is done , I really will come forth as gold . The thing is , God works very slowly on us . It takes a lifetime for him to complete his work in us . On June 7th , we received the shocking news that our friend , Louie Rudin passed away . His example of walking closely with Jesus Christ will always be with me . His was a race well run ! The first time I ever saw Louie was when I was a senior in high school . That fall , I went on a weekend retreat to Watson Homestead with Young Life . Louie was a YL leader in Seneca County and was the retreat speaker that weekend . ( In fact , he was my husband 's Young Life leader ) I don 't think I ever laughed so hard in my life ! He had an incredible sense of humor . . . but best of all , he loved the Lord with all of himself . About 5 years later , after I graduated from college , I became a YL leader myself . I had the privilege of getting to know Louie as a fellow leader . He would often drive up to Rochester to come to our leadership meetings on Saturday nights . He always had a smile on his face and kept us all laughing . The first few times he came to leadership he said , " I ought to bring my housemate to this . I think he 'd like it . " One Saturday night he finally brought him . It was Jamie ! I had actually met Jamie a few months earlier when we were both counselors at YL 's Saranac Village . I married him about two years after Louie reintroduced us . It was one of the smartest things I ever did ! Louie was in our wedding . In fact , he drove the car we rode in from the church to the reception . On the way , he drove us through the McDonald 's drive through in Penfield . He thanked the workers for coming to our reception and ordered us a drink and some fries . Jamie sent this picture yesterday from the Adirondack Mountains . He met up with our son , Allen to do a little hiking . Allen has been working as the assistant program director at a Christian camp up there . Please take the time to watch this and pay close attention . It is totally spot on ! It was when I ran towards my pain that I finally found healing . Sometimes I slip into doubt . The enemy does not want me to trust in my Lord and savior . Instead , he wants me to question God 's love for me . He drums up every sad memory he can to attack me . He reminds me of how people hurt or betrayed me . He whispers the grievances I have felt towards others . . . and stirs it up again . He reminds me of my failures and tells me that I could never minister to others by telling them about my deliverance from spiritual bondage . He tells me that my story is a total joke because I am not living victoriously . He tries to make me believe that my Lord does not have my best interest in mind . . . that He is actually a cruel God . The pit of despair looms near . . . threatening to swallow me up in it . I 've been down this path many times and I know that the only way to get through it with victory is to go to the foot of the cross . To fall on my knees before Him . To regain focus on God 's truth and who He is . Sometimes I " pray the alphabet . " The Lord showed me this trick one night as I lay in bed . I often have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep . Too many racing thoughts . I have quieted my mind by lulling it to sleep with dull thoughts . One of the ways I have done this is to go through the alphabet and for each letter , say as many names that I could think of beginning with that letter . It shuts off the crazy , worrisome thinking and replaces it with the mundane . So I would start . " Ann , Amy , Abigail , Antoinette , Alice , . . . Barbara , Bernice , Betty , Bernadette , Babette , . . . Colette , Catherine , Christine , Cassie , Cassandra , Camille , . . . " ( I 'm not sure why , but I always stick to girl names ) Usually by the time I got somewhere between H and N , I had fallen asleep . One night as I lay in bed , not only did I have racing thoughts , but they were all the attacking thoughts that I mentioned in the first paragraph of this post . I started the alphabet name trick . . . it wasn 't working quite as well . It came to my attention that the Lord inhabits the praises of his people . If I praised Him , how could anything negative be present ? Satan hates the praises we lift up to Jesus . He cannot stay around for that . I decided to try praising the Lord using the alphabet . There are no hard and fast rules for this . Sometimes I linger on a letter and come up with several praises or attributes . Other times , it is just one . Heavenly Father , you are Almighty , you are Beautiful , the Beginning and the end . You Created the heavens and the earth . You are my Deliverer . You are Eternal . Your love goes on Forever . Great are your works , Oh Lord ! You are Holy , the great " I Am . " You have Justified me . You Keep me in the shadow of your wings . You are all Knowing and Loving . Father , you are the Maker of everything . You Made me and have promised to Never leave my side . Only you , oh Lord are worthy of my praises and my full admiration . You give me strength to Persevere and to never Quit the race set before me . You have promised me Rest when I come into your presence . You are my Salvation and my Truth . You bring the Ultimate Victory against the lies of the evil one . You are Wonderful . Yahweh . Thank you , that I will be one day in Zion . In your very presence . Why do I get so hung up on things here on Earth , Lord ? Why do I not trust you ? Lord Jesus , thank you for loving me all the time . Every minute of every day . . . even when I am straying away from you . Help me to be ever faithful to you each day . Amen . As you can see , sometimes it doesn 't end at " Z . " Sometimes I keep going and drop the alphabet entirely or I start over . Sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of it , but I know that my Father doesn 't mind . . . just as I didn 't mind if one of my children fell asleep while I read to them . I have never prayed the same alphabet prayer twice . Sometimes I vary it to be a prayer of gratefulness and I name blessings he has brought to me . I need to absolutely trust Him . Why shouldn 't I ? He loves me . He has been there in my darkest times . It was then that He whispered to me to choose life . It was difficult because everything within me was screaming out for me to choose the opposite . I heard that whisper and clung to that . He brought me through it . He has told me things that at the time , I did not want to hear . But now . . . years later , I find comfort in . Things that made me say , " No . Lord ! I cannot bear that ! Why ? Please don 't ! " and now I look back and say , " My Heavenly Father knew . He knew . And it was all right in the end . . . He knew it all before it happened . It went all according to His plan . " Lately I have been struggling again . I have to cling to the hope that it will all become clear one day and I can look back on this life and say , " Of course ! Now it all makes sense why God allowed that to happen . In fact , it was part of his plan and it was perfect ! " For now , I see through a glass darkly . I sometimes feel like I am clinging for dear life to a raft in the middle of an ocean . . . where the waves are buffeting me and threatening to pull me under . We had a graduation party for our daughter on Saturday . In spite of the rain , it was a success . I 'm thankful for the great accomodations at Onanda Park . I really felt a sense of relief hearing that . Keep in mind that my daughter knows absolutely nothing about my own dating history . No names , dates , restaurants , etc . The only thing she knows is that I worked at the public library in my home town too , I did my undergrad in math , I 'm not a runner , . . . and that people say she looks like me . She does not really want to be like me at all . She says she will NEVER become a librarian . She will be going off to college in Indiana in the fall . I am praying that she transitions well to college life , that she will never encounter the serious trouble with major depression that I experienced during my sophomore year ( my first year at a college away from home ) . I don 't think I could bear seeing my daughter go through that . If she ever does go through that , she will know that depression is a medical condition that she is not at fault for . She will know that she can get medical intervention . These are all things that I did not understand all of those years ago . No one understood . I was pretty much on my own with it . My entire life was turned upside down that year and I experienced my greatest heartbreaks , losses , and pain . . . all because of major depression . It took me approximately two years to recover physically from it . . . but many more years to recover emotionally . I also know that the Lord planned all of it and that He was with me during that time . I even believe that it was His plan that the people in my life misunderstand me and come to false conclusions about what was going on . Some of them completely turned their backs on me . It was an awful , but necessary pain for me . . . but I still don 't want any of my children to experience it . I can 't control that . I need to let go and trust God for His plan in their lives . He knows the way that I take ; when He has tested me , I will come forth as gold . My feet have closely followed His steps ; I have kept his ways without turning aside . Job 23 : 10 - 11 It is true that I went through that horrendous experience . It really ended up being one of the most pivotal points of my life . It has shaped who I am today , but through it all . . . I kept my faith in Christ . I have come to the conclusion that walking with Christ and learning to put Him first in your life is what life is really all about . It is not about falling in love and getting married , and having children , a great career , and then saving money so you can retire comfortably . I 'm not denying that these can be truly fulfilling things in life , they can be . But life is about making the choice to follow Christ . . . and sticking with it , even when life throws you some curve balls . What is totally cool is that the design on this little paper cup was created by my nephew , Jim . He is all grown up now and lives in St . Paul , MN and is a graphic artist . How many of you can say that you know someone who created art that was put onto paper products that are being used ( and thrown away ) at picnics all across the USA ? Pretty cool , huh ? Check out my sister 's post : Designer Paper Plates What added to the coolness of the moment was that the school 's art teacher walked in and I told her about Jim 's designer paper plates . I told her he grew up in that little town just north of current location . She took the paper cup to show her students and talk to them about it ! I really admire runners . I admire their tenacity , their grit . . . their drive . I 'm a little bit intimidated by them too if I 'm honest about it . I just don 't seem to have what it takes to be successful with running . Whenever I have run . . . I 've always wanted it to be over . I 've never loved it . I once made up my mind that I would run in a 5k . It was not an easy one either . I trained all summer . . . and at the end of August I ran that 5k without stopping . I did it ! I wasn 't very fast . . . in fact , I was among the slowest in my age group . After it was over . . . I was glad ! People had told me that running would be addictive , but I didn 't feel any withdrawal symptoms when I didn 't run again . Years and years ago I dated a runner . He wanted me to become a runner too . I remember feeling my stomach knot up whenever he alluded to me taking up running . Little did he know , I was already struggling with my sense of self - worth and couldn 't figure out what he saw in me . I carefully hid those feelings from him . Having him express his disappointment that I wasn 't a runner didn 't help matters . Later on in life , I met and married Jamie , a non - runner at the time . I remember telling him how I didn 't like running . He felt the same and I remember feeling a sense of relief . But alas there came a time when he decided to try running in our church 's annual 5k race . For him it WAS addictive . He had to run another and then another one . Soon he was wracking up too many 5ks to count . They were getting too easy . So he moved on to longer races . Then he tackled his first Marathon . After that , he couldn 't find contentment , so he started training and competing in triathlons . We even birthed a runner ! Our son , Allen enjoys the sport very much . Jamie and I hang out with people who run and compete . Luckily for me , there are few others like me in our crowd . Two or three other wives who aren 't into it either . . . and even a husband or two . All along , Jamie has never asked me to run . . . or has even hinted at it . He seems comfortable with me being who I am . . . but I admit that once in a while there is this 18 year old girl inside of me who struggles with a feelings of inadequacy . I should nick name our house , " The Onion " . . . for whenever we peel back a layer to do some work . . . we discover more work that needs to be done . In this case it is the porch roof , which had been leaking . Naturally , we discovered rotting old plywood . . . which we removed . Then . . of course we discovered rotting planks . The joists had some damage , but seemed solid enough . . . so we are going with them . And of course . . . in the process of climbing in and out of Allen 's bedroom window to access the porch roof , his windowsill seemed a bit loose . Upon investigating beneath the old metal window wrap , it was discovered that the wood itself was mostly nonexistent because of dry rot and carpenter bees . So we ditched the wrap which was over said sill . . . and now we need to rebuild the bottom part of the frame . My husband also casually mentioned the possibility of painting the house . Here 's hoping ! I have been longing to paint it for years , but have been respectful of my husband who did not want to waste time , energy and money to paint when he plans to update the siding . Whenever I am tempted to complain about the progress of fixing up The Onion . . . I have to remember this : I 'm not sure what happened to all of the things that Alicia and I glued on it in 2009 . The only thing left on it is one of the keys and the penny . The wrench , ruler , gasket and two other keys have all disappeared . Where ? I don 't know , for I never saw any of the items on the ground . It is kind of sad what time has done to the little house , but yesterday I discovered that in spite of appearances , the little house has a family of chickadees living in it . It seems like there could be a good sermon illustration somewhere in this . Let me know if you think of one . . . include scripture references . I waited patiently for the Lord ; he turned to me and heard my cry . He lifted me out of the slimy pit , out of the mud and mire ; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand . He put a new song in my mouth , a hymn of praise to our God . Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him . ( Psalm 40 : 1 - 3 NIV ) Last year my husband and son , along with Ed , a family friend , went winter hiking in the Adirondacks . This year was no different . I think this might become a yearly tradition for them . Technology is really something , isn 't it ? Remember the days when we would have rolls of film to take home with us from our excursions ? We would have to take them to a film developer , wait several days , pick up the pictures . . . only to discover that most of them were lousy . All of these pictures were taken yesterday and uploaded onto a computer last night ! Hurray for technology ! In the meantime , I am home preparing for their arrival today . Last weekend was Allen 's 20th birthday but we are celebrating it this weekend since he will be home . Yesterday was Pi day . . . but it was this morning that I managed to bake the banana cream pie that Allen requested . Incidently , did you know that you can bake a cream pie using almond milk and it turns out wonderful ? Allen has a lactose intolerance . . . and actually I suffer from that a bit too . Just so you know , almond milk makes a great cream pie and you would never know you weren 't eating dairy ! Today I went skiing again with my friends , Lisa and Martha ( not my sister ) . The sun was again shining just gloriously . It was great to be out in God 's creation . It was just beautiful . . . about 30 ° F , with a slight wind . I discovered that a couple of the trails that Gretchen and I had skied last week were completely gone because of drifting . Here is Martha trying to blaze one of these trails . . . but we had to turn around . It got to the point where we had not idea where the trail was . Were we on the trail or simply in the middle of the woods ? Not only that , but the snow was too deep . You can 't tell by this picture , but I was actually coming down a hill ! I am pleased because I am still standing . I only fell three times . It was a beautiful day today . It was warm ! About 23 ° F or so ! The sun was shining vibrantly . I went cross country skiing with my friend Gretchen . Just what I needed to help boost those serotonin levels . If I was as fabulous as my sister Martha is . . . I 'd have all sorts of beautiful pictures to show you . . . . but I don 't . You will just have to use your imagination then ! I will have to say that February is not one of my favorite months . There seem to be a number of significant losses that have occurred in my life during the month of February . I 'm looking forward to this month ending . Only a few more days to go . Today I had the day off because I took Alicia up to Rochester to get her spine looked at . She has scoliosis and we need to go to the specialist from time to time . The good news is that the curvatures in her spine are not getting significantly worse . The lower curve measured slightly greater , but not alarmingly . The best news is that Alicia seems to have stopped growing . She has topped out at 5 ' 3 " , ( That is three and a half inches shorter than I am . ) This is good news because that means that the curvature won 't get any worse . I never imagined that I would end up with a daughter who is significantly shorter than I , but I guess I shouldn 't be surprised since her father is on the shorter end of the spectrum . On Monday and Tuesday I began per diem subbing once again . I am not too thrilled to end up doing that again . . . but I am trying to be thankful for any work . Besides that , God had a few surprises for me . On Monday I subbed at the 3 - 5 building in Pal - Mac district and saw one of my former students from Dewitt Rd . On " moving up day " in June last year , I had a handful of kids who came to the library because they were moving away from Dewitt and wouldn 't be attending there anymore . One of the boys , J told me that he had moved to Marion and was currently being driven to Webster to finish out the year . Just for fun we " Google - earthed " his school . We found Marion Elementary School quite easily and he seemed pleased . However , there he was on Monday at the school in Palmyra instead . Apparently his father decided that they would move over the summer once again and so Palmyra it is . I said , " We Google - earthed the wrong school , Bud . " He said , " Yeah . I know . " The next day I subbed at Schlegel Road Elementary School , which is within the same district as DeWitt . When I walked into the building , I saw one of my students ( M ) walking down the hall . He didn 't appear to notice me and I couldn 't think of his name quick enough to get his attention , but it was still nice to see one familiar face . I figured that would be the end of it . At some point during the day , I had to deliver a book to a fifth grade classroom . I walked in and waited for the teacher to notice I was there , when I noticed a boy to my left calling to me . It was another former student . ( C ) . He seemed genuinely happy to see me . I have to admit that he was always one of my favorites . He was quite the little reader and always willing to discuss the books he was reading and tell me which books I should definitely read next . He was also always well behaved and a bit of a scholar . He was the kind of kid who didn 't mind talking to a 40 something year old lady . That type is rare . . . believe me . He told me that I should get a job next year at the middle school he will be attending . That one made my day ! Unfortunately , that probably won 't be likely as I don 't anticipate the librarian at that school being done with her job . When I returned to the library , I was expecting a special ed class to come in . In walked 3 more of my former students . These three didn 't move . . . but are now being bussed to the new school because of the services provided there . They are autistic and nonverbal . . . similar to my own brother , so it is hard to say whether or not they recognized or cared that I was there . That didn 't matter to me because I understand not to take it personally . It still was good to see them . The above picture is of one of these sweet little boys that came in today . I took it last year at DeWitt . 11 For I know the plans that I have for you , ' declares the Lord , ' plans for well - being , and not for calamity , in order to give you a future and a hope . 12 When you call out to me and come and pray to me , I 'll hear you . 13 You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart . Posted by We just finished taking the tour of Grove City College . It is about - 1 ° F ( I just checked ) so we were sufficiently frozen . Audra had her interview and I think we were sufficiently impressed by the place . My memories of taking a tour myself back in 1985 are pretty faded . There are a number of new buildings and I just don 't have many clear memories to compare it . I 'm glad that my kids are having the opportunity to look at different colleges in order to make a decision . I really didn 't have that when I was planning to go away to study . The only reason I had the Grove City tour was that an interview was required . My father obligingly drove me there for it and the tour was included . I will say that it was a bit of a turning point for my father 's attitude about me going to school in the first place . He seemed more supportive after that , but my parents still had absolutely no clue about how to help me find a college that fit me well . As it turned out , I never got another tour anywhere and showed up to the college I ended up choosing , to see it for the first time as I registered for classes . I remember feeling a bit disappointed . It wasn 't what I thought it would be . . . but I knew I had to decide to like it and make it work . I didn 't want my father to say , " See ? I told you so . " It was a rather stressful way to start the semester . I decided to like it . What choice did I have ? Attitude is everything . I 'm so grateful that I know better than to put my kids through that . All in all . . . it ended up working for me . God was near me as I started the college journey and I got an education . I am thinking of the Conrow family today . Last week they held their 6 year old daughter as she died from brain cancer . I can only imagine the great sorrow they are feeling . I 've been in touch with Amanda 's grandfather , who was my high school geometry teacher . He was a wonderful man of God and always encouraged me in my walk with the Lord . He sent me an email this morning with heartfelt words from his daughter , Liz . I 've been broken - hearted before . I 've been crushed in spirit . I remember in high school when my brother passed away , I taped a Bible verse on the wall next to my bed . . . so I would see it as soon as I woke up in the morning . I did the same thing in college during a difficult time . I know that God has given me a heart that is able to empathize with others . . . so in a way , thinking about their sorrow brings back some memories of my own sorrows . I don 't want to think only of myself during this time . I don 't always know how to transfer my empathy into a proper way of caring for others . Yesterday , it was my last day in Fairport CSD as school librarian at Martha Brown Middle School . I threw a little party in my homeroom to say goodbye . I brought in a gallon of cider and some timbits from Tim Horton 's . One of the boys said , " Mrs . B can you show us another video that your husband 's company made ? " So I showed them one of my favorites . Snow Day from 2010 . " After they duck taped my husband to the tree , a Canandaigua school bus came by . The driver stopped the bus , opened the door and said , ' Is everything okay here ? ' He then called in a report about it to the bus garage . " Anyway . . . the kids all really enjoyed the video and I hope you do too . I will really miss it at Martha Brown . I cannot say enough about that school . I thought the staff was great ! The students were too . I loved every day of my job there . I honestly can say that there was not one single day that I felt like I didn 't just love my job ! I am a mom and a wife . I have 3 really cool kids and a great husband . I 'm also a librarian at a high school near Rochester , NY . More importantly , I am a child of God . I desire to grow in Christ every day . The Lord has been faithful throughout my entire life . He has carried me through some tough times . |
My niece Susan has blogged ( http : / / onlythemanager . blogspot . com / ) about the visit she and her daughter and granddaughter made to our town yesterday to visit her mother - - my sister Grace . My daughter , Anne Marie , and I met them at the cemetery where so many family members are buried . We were there to pick up the Memorial Day decorations and visit the graves . Some people crave , and thrive on , variety . Their restless natures demand an ever - changing course of experiences - - new people , new places , new jobs , new ideas , new excitement . They seem to be always on the move , always seeking something else . This personality type is needed in our world . From their ranks we gain explorers , inventors , and adventurers - - people who see new ways of doing things and open up new vistas for their less restless brethren . Variety , so the old saying goes , is the spice of life . For a person like me , that is a true saying . Spices are used in very small quantities to add flavor to foods . Variety , in small doses , adds interest and pleasure - - spice - - to my life . But I find much comfort in familiar things . Most of the time I would prefer to be at home with a good book , or family , or a TV show I 'm interested in , than to go out looking for excitement . Crowd scenes exhaust me . Social events with too many people I don 't know or don 't know well create a type of nervous strain that fills me with dread . While a different personality type will look forward to and enjoy such an event , it feels like punishment to me . Years ago my husband and I were talked into participating in a Marriage Encounter weekend . Most people who have been to one of these have nothing but praise and enthusiasm for the experience . I hated every minute of it and could hardly wait for it to be over so we could go home . While I can weary of being in " the same old rut , " there are some things about the " same old rut " that I really like ! It became that " same old rut " simply because of my doing the same old things over and over . Because they are things I like . Certainly , I enjoy and need a little change from time to time . And I can guarantee that life will hand out change , whether I want it or not . In the many life changes through the years , some have been wonderful , interesting , educational , fulfilling , and of benefit to my growth as a human being . Other changes have been grievously difficult . Whether life 's changes have been happy ones or unhappy ones , part of the continuity of my life is found in familiar things . When we moved to a new house , new town , or new state , familiar paintings went up on the walls , helping the new place feel like home . All of our household equipment that moved with us from place to place immediately made the new place feel familiar . The comfort of the familiar helped make the adjustment to new circumstances easier . Even when we were excited about some of these changes and truly enjoying them , still the comfort of the familiar things we brought with us helped us enjoy the newness all the more . What has set me thinking about the comfort of the familiar , is my recent choices in reading material . As a lifelong bookworm , I am always buying new books . Right now I probably have ten new books that I want to read and have not gotten to yet . Because I 've been rereading old favorites . Some of these old favorites I have already read more than once . But there is something in me right now that is needing the comfort of familiar things . So I am revisiting worlds of the imagination that I have enjoyed before . It is like visiting friends that I am comfortable with and take pleasure in their company . Rereading a book gives pleasure in the experience , without wondering if things are going to turn out all right . The suspense is gone , the pleasure remains . It 's comfortable . Memorial Day is now a federal holiday , but it began as a day to remember the Union dead from the Civil War . It was called Decoration Day and the dead were honored with floral decorations upon their graves . Over time the meaning of the day expanded to include honoring all soldiers from all wars ; and now , families use the day to also remember and honor all their loved ones who have moved on to eternity . When I was growing up , the day was still called Decoration Day more than Memorial Day , but I like the new name because it more clearly identifies the purpose of the day - - we remember . Many years ago my mother , Rose , made it her special mission to decorate family graves a day or two before Memorial Day . As time went by she was joined by any of us who happened to be in town and available . As we went from grave to grave we talked about the person whose grave we were decorating and shared precious memories . We , the living , also just enjoyed being together . We took photos ; the little ones , who had no idea what it was all about , enjoyed playing with each other . This year the weather was cold and rainy as the holiday approached . On Sunday there was a break in the weather just long enough for a few of us ( Grace , Anne Marie , Chad , and I ) to dash up to the cemetery and get the flowers on all the graves we take care of . As we finished the clouds had closed in and it was starting to rain again . Because of the weather , we did not linger and visit and share memories this time . Through the years we have had many family get - togethers on Memorial Day . When the weather was good , this involved a picnic - type lunch eaten outdoors . Sometimes these gatherings were at Mother 's , sometimes at Grace 's , sometimes at Anne Marie and Chad 's , sometimes at my place . Those present at the gatherings varied from year to year . One thing about these Memorial Day get - togethers , to decorate the graves or to share a meal and fellowship on the actual holiday , is that they bond us to both our living family and the family that has gone before us . It really is all in what you are used to . When we have a few gray and rainy days like today , I begin to yearn for blue skies and sunshine . I wonder how people can bear to live in places where it rains all the time . Intellectually , I know that those rainy - place people wonder how we can bear to live in semi - arid prairie country . Emotionally , I don 't buy it ! Wyoming needs water . When we get the nice rains we are now having , I truly appreciate it . I am happy that my newly planted deck garden ( 34 pots of various sizes ! ) is being watered from the sky , rather than from me carrying watering cans of water from inside my house . ( One thing I overlooked when planning the construction of my house was to put an exterior spigot on the deck . Guess the exercise is good for me ! ) I am glad that the prairie will be green and blooming . I am grateful that the dust storms of April are watered down . Today my Bible reading was chapters 5 , 6 , and 7 of Ezekiel . Ezekiel wrote about his experiences and messages as a prophet of God while he was an exile in Babylon . Well , I must admit it was a bit of a downer . In fact , reading many of the prophetic books that were written as warnings to the people of Israel and Judah in the years before the destruction of their respective nations can be very difficult . When the sinful rebellion against God , and the violence , greed , and injustice of those nations is itemized , I keep thinking that it sounds like the things I hear on the news every day . I have to remind myself that bad news is what makes the news . All the good things done every day do not make for the drama the newsfolk look for . I remember reading years ago a comment by Phil Donohue about the days when he did radio news . The motto was something like , " If it bled , it led . " When I worked for the Probation and Parole Department and then for the County Attorney 's Office , every day 's work dealt with terrible things people do to each other . What kept me from becoming totally depressed and cynical was the fact that through church , family , and friends I knew a lot of good , decent people . Not perfect people , but people who do their best to be what they should be . People who are loving and kind . People who have fun without destructiveness to their minds , bodies , or spirits . People who care about and help others . The salt of the earth . I have to remind myself of that while reading the horrors the prophets sometimes speak of . And with Ezekiel I try to picture the things he describes , as God has him doing performance art to demonstrate his message to the people around him . Some of these action object lessons are so bizarre I can surely believe they attracted the attention of passersby and gave Ezekiel an audience for his message . These were not easy things for Ezekiel to do . He suffered to deliver the message . He had a degree of dedication and obedience that was truly exceptional . Memory is a strange thing . Some things we remember with great clarity ; other things we don 't remember at all . Sometimes a sight , a sound , a word , a bit of music , or a photo can trigger a memory , like opening a forgotten computer file . Suddenly there it is - - a piece of life that has lain unremembered somewhere in the memory banks of the brain . I 've read articles that attempt to describe the chemical processes of the brain that store and / or retrieve memories . It comes out sounding like an impossible thing ; sometimes I think I 'm better off not trying to understand the process , but to just accept the wonder of my human brain that can do such things ! Memory is not always perfect . Get any two people together who witnessed or experienced the same event , and you may hear somewhat differing versions . Some people are more observant than others . And we tend to filter experiences through our own emotional responses , which differ from individual to individual . But , even with its imperfections , memory is an amazing thing . I 've been thinking a lot about memories because for months I 've been working on photo albums and family history projects . I tell my family that my photo albums are how I remember my life , and there is a good deal of truth in that . I may remember a certain trip - - but just when was that ? The years seem to run together . My photo albums will tell me exactly when it happened ( and I 'm usually surprised to realize how long ago it happened - - it seems so much more recent in my memory ) . Have you ever wondered why we can 't remember our own babyhood ? So much happens in those first few years of life , why can 't we remember them ? Although I can 't say I want to remember having to have my diapers changed , I would like to remember the thrill of learning to crawl , to take those first steps , or of being the recipient of all the tender love that babies inspire . I can only see baby days through photos . Some people say they can 't remember anything before they were about four years old . My earliest memory goes back to before age two , but those early memories tend to be brief fragments . I 'm including a photo of myself at not quite two years of age . This picture triggers two memories . While I don 't remember the occasion of the photo , I do remember some of the clothing . First , the muff . No one uses muffs these days , but muffs were actually a very practical way of keeping hands warm . Seeing the muff in this photo triggers a memory fragment of being downtown with my mother and having my hands in my muff . The other clothing , which is remembered very well , are the long stockings . I grew up before they made warm tights for little girls . We had long , light brown stockings held up with garters . When we reached school age my sisters and I hated those stockings . No one else had to wear them ! Now , I admire our mother 's good sense in protecting our little bare legs against the cold in days when little girls could not wear long pants to school . My husband , Jerry , and son , Jeremy , were always avid fishermen . When we lived in southwestern Colorado they just had to walk a couple of blocks to be at the Pine River . It was a great place for Jerry to unwind after work , and he caught a lot of our suppers there . Jeremy fished with his dad from the time he was just a little guy , and cleaned his own fish when he was only seven years old . This love of fishing came with them when we moved to Wyoming , and then to South Dakota , Going fishing was a little more complicated for them then . No longer could they grab their fishing rods , head out the back door , and take a short walk to a river full of trout . Now fishing meant an expedition . I referred to them as " Marathon Fishermen " because when they had a day free to fish they left early in the morning to drive to the lake , and I wouldn 't see them again until after dark . No matter how many dire warnings I gave them about using sun screen , they would forget to reapply as their fishing day wore on . They arrived home tired , happy , and sunburned . After one day of marathon fishing in South Dakota , they brought home a present for me . No , not the fish - - we had eaten so much fish that they mostly did catch and release , keeping only the very best . Blooming around the lake that spring were a multitude of iris flowers . Knowing that I love flowers and had always had a fondness for irises , they dug up a number of them and brought them to me . We planted those iris corms alongside the storage shed and beside the house ; they took root , thrived , and multiplied . Several years after planting those irises , we moved back to Wyoming . But we took with us some of the corms from the Lake Iris plants . Before long there were Lake Irises blooming in the spring at my mother 's house , my daughter 's house , and our house . Although I sold our house the year after Jerry 's death , each spring I can still enjoy the Lake Irises in bloom . We had an addition built on to my daughter and son - in - law 's home ; the lower section is a large garage and the upper section is my apartment . From my living room window I look directly down at the big flower bed , where , right now , the Lake Irises are blooming . They are beautiful in themselves , and they carry with them a precious memory . In my personal Bible reading , I am now in the book of Ezekiel . Ezekiel is a clear example of the fact that being called as a prophet of God was not a call to a life free of stress or trouble ! The life of a prophet tends to be very hard , for they are called to frequently tell people things they do not want to hear . Today what I am thinking about is the vision that Ezekiel was given when he was called to special service by God . To me it is both amazing and bizarre . If reading about it strikes me that way , what must it have been like for Ezekiel to experience it ? ! He must have struggled to find the right words to try to convey what he had seen . This is the vision of the four creatures , human - looking bodies with calves ' feet , each with four wings ( two outspread and two folded along their arms ) , and , oddest of all , four faces . Each had a human face , a bull 's face , a lion 's face , and an eagle 's face . They stood with their human faces looking forward , each creature facing a different way . Their outstretched wings touched at the tips , so that they formed a square . They glowed . They were accompanied by wheels within wheels , the wheels bordered by many , many eyes . Thus , they could move quickly in any direction without having to turn . And with the wings that were folded along their arms , they could fly when needed . Well , this is just loaded with symbolism about the all - seeing , ever - present , all - powerful nature of God . I 'll let you think about that for yourself . It stirs my imagination to wonder if the creatures are real , as well as symbolic . We know from the variety of creatures that live on our earth , and that have lived here but are now extinct , that God has a terrific imagination . So , perhaps , his own home is filled with even more wondrous , imaginative , beings ! Years ago I read a book by an author who was trying to prove that life on earth was seeded by an advanced race from another planet that had long since mastered space travel , and who periodically check back to see how their handiwork is doing ( hence , the UFO sightings ) . This may have been the Chariots of the Gods book - - it is an unbelievable mess , but one thing in it stuck in my memory . In order to try to prove his thesis , the author used this vision of Ezekiel . He believed that what Ezekiel saw was a UFO ! One of the visitations from these aliens . Well , the messages Ezekiel received to pass on to his people were not at all supportive of this author 's ideas . However , it does illustrate how these visions can capture our imaginations as we struggle to visualize and understand the mysteries of God . One of life 's simple pleasures for me is taking my morning coffee out on the deck , relaxing , and enjoying the morning . Of course , living in northern Wyoming means that I only do this for a very limited part of the year . If it is cold or too windy I 'll enjoy that cup of coffee in the comfort of my living room . Yesterday was the first time this year that it was comfortably warm enough , early enough , that I took my coffee to the deck . However . . . I couldn 't relax . The morning was beautiful , the air was calm , the birds were busily twittering , but I couldn 't settle down and enjoy it . I was restless because another simple pleasure was calling me . The day before , my daughter and I had gone flower shopping . I had spent my Mother 's Day gift of flower money and then some on flowers for my deck pots . All those baby petunias , geraniums , and others were sitting there waiting for their summer homes . Although it is earlier than I usually risk setting out the tender plants , the long range weather forecast sees no possible frost for the next two weeks , which takes us to June . So I decided I just couldn 't wait . Those empty pots needed filled ! I abandoned my coffee , got out the fertilizer , gardening gloves , watering pot , and the big old spoon that I use instead of a trowel . I turned on some music for company and started planting . I couldn 't get all the pots filled yesterday ( there are more than thirty ) . I can 't take much direct sun , so had to stop when the sun reached high enough to erase the shade from the deck . I 'll plant more today . Then , I 'll be able to enjoy that morning coffee on the deck surrounded by flowers . A sweet simple pleasure . Jerry 's birthday falls very close to Mother 's Day ; in fact , when his birthday falls on a Sunday , it is Mother 's Day . Even when his birthday and Mother 's Day coincided , Jerry always seemed to put the priority on Mother 's Day . Every Mother 's Day he bought corsages for the mothers in his family . That meant me , my mother , and our daughter when she became a mother . He would send some money to his sisters to buy a corsage for his mother , since she lived several hundred miles from us . He would make Sunday dinner for us , which usually meant spaghetti and hot bread . We never had much money , but money is not necessary to make the people you love feel special . Today , in memory of his birthday , I 'm including one of my favorite photos of Jerry . Some might think this a strange favorite , for he is obviously quite dirty and grungy . That is why it is so dear to me . It tells a lot about the kind of man he was . This photo was taken on his 57th birthday , which turned out to be his last birthday , so there is a touch of sadness to it . But mostly I enjoy looking at it . That birthday was spent hard at work for a landscaping company that was doing the grounds of a new apartment complex . It was hard , dirty work . At the end of the day there was a pickup load of sod left over that would soon be dead if not used . The job foreman gave it to Jerry ; we had a new house with an unfinished yard . So , after working hard all day , Jerry and Chad , our dear son - in - law , spent the evening until well after dark laying sod in our yard . They did pause long enough to eat some supper , but saved the birthday cake and ice cream until after the sod was all down and watered in . The job finished , they came in and we lit the candles on the cake . Just then the telephone rang . It was Jerry 's sister Jean , calling from Colorado to wish him a happy birthday . You can see from his big smile how much he enjoyed talking with her ! So , Happy Birthday , Jerry ! I know every day is special where you are , but this day is special to us because it means you were part of our lives , blessing us and giving of yourself to us . You were a wonderful husband , a great , loving father , adored by your children , a beloved grandfather , and a faithful servant of God . No matter how old I become , I am still my mother 's daughter . She formed me and marked my life indelibly . Until her death at age 94 , I still responded to her as her daughter , not as a senior citizen adult myself , not as a caretaker , but as her daughter . She still is a voice in my head . I constantly see traits in myself that came directly from her . I 'm not the woman she was , but the woman I am owes much to her . I miss her . My mother loved earrings ; particularly dangly earrings . She had quite a collection of earrings , many of which she made herself . Even when she became housebound due to the degeneration of her bones , she still put on her earrings every day . To honor her at her memorial service a number of her daughters , granddaughters , and great - granddaughters wore her earrings . Today , in the memory of my wonderful mother , I am wearing her earrings that I wore that day . Being a mother myself is the most treasured part of my life . I loved motherhood , from the time I first felt those little stirrings within my body , through the sleep - deprived days of babyhood , the thrill of first steps , first words , first days of school , teenage angst , and the time of nest - leaving . My children are adults now , but I will always be their mother . I will always love them , worry about them , be grateful for them , and appreciate them for the people they have become . I am so thankful for the gift of being a mother . I have blogged about my weekends with Megan , my granddaughter . She is a jewel decorating my life . Being a grandparent is as lovely as being a parent , without the sleepless nights , nursing through days of stomach flu , wiping runny noses , and having to make sure the child learns discipline and responsibility ! Grandparenting is fun , satisfying , and full of love . I thank my daughter and son - in - law for the gift of this wonderful child . Our Granddad Ed McLaughlin was 34 years old when his young wife died . Her tragic death had a profound effect on his life , and that of his two young children . The 1910 census shows the family living on their own farm in New Mexico . ( The McLaughlin tribe and some of their relatives seemed to have moved back and forth between southern New Mexico and Camp San Saba in central Texas . ) What I glean from my father 's stories and the letters he wrote to his cousin ( a descendant of Ed 's brother John ) , Ed could not bear to live anymore on the farm that had been his home with his wife . After her death , he and his little children became wanderers . My father wrote about it this way : After Mother died Dad loaded us kids into a covered wagon and that was our home for several years . He just worked at anything . He broke horses , picked cotton , or anything . When we first went to Texas Uncle John was foreman on the Lonesome L . They hired him because he was the toughest , meanest fighting man in that part of the country . I have a lot of true stories about his fights . None of the McLaughlin boys were pets . Dad was supposed to be the cool tempered one , but I never knew him to go six months without a fight and he always won . Maybe not so fair . When I was down in New Mexico , the old timers still argued about who was the best bronc rider - - Ed or John . Dad always said Uncle John was . He got thrown more , but Dad said that was because he took chances . He was as wild as a tiger and had about the same disposition . Enough about Ed and John . They both always said if they came back they wanted to come as a horse . If they do , somebody will have a pair of outlaws on their hands . I know a lot of good things they did - - anyone down and out they gave a hand , or let someone pick on some weak person and they were on the war path . When Daddy was about seven years old , and he and his sister were hungry for a mother of their own , their father almost married a young woman from a family that was close to the McLaughlins . Red and Zudie loved her and were excited about the prospect of getting her in their family . However , it did not happen . As Daddy wrote : Back to Dad and Fanny . One year Ed , John , George Teague , and families were picking cotton for Mr . McLaurine . I think it was near Aspermont , Texas . That 's when Dad got to courting Fanny . Us kids really wanted her . After we left there , Dad was coming back to marry Fanny . We camped at a crossroads a few miles from their place , and he was going to drive over and get her next day . He got up and took off down the other road about 3 a . m . Years later I asked him about it and he said Mother came to him in a dream that night and broke off the romance . He went pretty heavy on dreams . Us kids always felt gypped because we did not get Fanny . And they never did get a stepmother . Sometimes their dad left them with relatives while he was off working a job . Those aunts were the closest thing they ever had to a mother , and Daddy held two of them in very high esteem . Daddy noted in his letter that the last year they traveled in a wagon was 1920 - 21 . He would have been eleven years old . Thinking about this , I wonder how , with all the wandering , he ever got an education . He told us he finished the 11th grade , but I don 't know if it was in Texas or in New Mexico . Whatever may have been lacking in his education , he was a good reader . I remember him as often having a book or magazine in his hands . His sister once commented about him that all that would be necessary to prove Red was crazy was to give him a funny story to read . That was because he would laugh out loud as he read . I succumbed to temptation . Yes , I did . I had promised myself I would not buy any plants for my deck flower pots for at least another week . . . but , yesterday my daughter and I went to Wal - Mart . And , of course , they had flowers . So I HAD to look at them . And , naturally , then I needed to save some of them from the neglect that the chain stores always inflict on their bedding plants . ( That is a big pet peeve of mine , so I 'd better not get started on that rant ! ) Really , I just wanted those beautiful , intense red petunias ! Winter is so dreary that I had built up quite a hunger for flowers . Yes , lilacs , and trees , and early flowers are blooming around town - - but I wanted my own flowers . We are having an early , unusually warm spring for this part of the country , but it can 't be counted as safe to plant tender flowers yet . One night of frost would do them in . My Grandmother Mackey , with her husband and children , homesteaded in Wyoming in 1917 . They came from North Carolina , so it was a completely different climate than what they were used to . Grandma was a good gardener , and she was able to grow big gardens even on the Wyoming prairie . She used to say that you could plant anything after the 15th of May . However , their homestead was 60 miles south of where I live . It doesn 't seem like much , but going south 60 miles does make a difference . My experience has been that it is safer to wait until the end of May to put out the tender young bedding plants . It feels like time to be planting ! But I will wait a little longer before I actually plant my petunias . I 'll put them out on the deck during the day to be hardening off , but I 'll bring them inside at night . My paternal grandmother died when she was 20 years old . My father was was a toddler when he lost his mother , so he had no memories of her . There were , however , a few things about her that I heard when I was growing up . Maudie 's real name was Margaret Gertrude McLaughlin . ( Her maiden name was Neatherlin . ) For some reason , her family called her " Maudie " and this nickname was so universally used for her that my father believed his mother 's name was Maude Gertrude . Maudie was a small woman . My dad remembered some of her clothing that had been saved in a trunk , and she wore a size one shoe . I don 't know how that size from the early 1900s translates to today , but he was impressed with the smallness of her shoes and clothes . Unfortunately that trunk of her things was ruined when the basement it was stored in at some relative 's home was flooded . I have often wondered what she would think about her five granddaughters , the shortest of whom was 5 ' 6 " and the tallest of whom was 5 ' 10 . 5 " ! We grew up thinking all photos of Maude had been lost with her other things , but , when I was in my 30s , my parents visited Texas and someone in my Dad 's family had the picture I have included here . We were all thrilled to at last have an image of the Grandmother that had been rather like a myth in our minds . This photo was taken when she was about 17 years old . She is holding very still , with a solemn expression . In those days that was the proper way to be photographed - - no big grins ! When we finally saw a picture of this grandmother , we realized that one of our sisters greatly resembles her ! We have only one story that shows something of Maudie 's personality and character . She was only fourteen years old when she married Ed McLaughlin , who was twenty - eight . I don 't know how they met . It was not unheard of for girls to marry so young , though it was perhaps not terribly common . I think her family may have been a bit unhappy at her choice to marry so young , and to marry one of the McLaughlin brothers . Those four brothers had a reputation of being a bit wild , rough , tough , and hot - tempered . Ed was known as the brother with the coolest temper , and yet he was quite a fighter . The reason I believe her family was not overjoyed about her decision to marry comes from the only story I know about it . The story is that one of Maudie 's sisters tried to discourage her from marrying Ed , who was fourteen years her senior . " Just think , " the sister reportedly said , " he 's twice as old as you . Why , when you are thirty , he 'll be an old man of sixty ! " This mistaken math was not enough to dissuade Maude . From this story I get a glimpse of a girl who knew her own mind and heart and had the strength of will to stick to her decision . Her death had a profound effect on the way her children grew up . Her husband had loved her dearly , and never remarried . There is a story about that , but I will save it for another day . A little background . For years I 've groused about the fact I have over a hundred TV channels but " there 's nothing much but the news worth watching . " There were , of course , some shows I did enjoy - - the unscripted , real people ones like American Idol , Survivor , Amazing Race , The Biggest Loser , and Apprentice . These shows are only on for a few weeks at a time , each season has an ending that completes the particular adventure , and they are full of human interest . The " story " shows I had grown impatient , and often disgusted , with . The comedy shows have grown to depend on sexual innuendo for their humor . The great comedies of the past , whose writers actually had wit and comedic sense that did not depend on dirty jokes and people pursuing various bed partners , are no more . The dramas also feature very little originality and a lot of carnality . But . . . this year I find that I 've gotten interested in several dramas that are interesting , or quirky , or mysterious , or whose characters I developed a fondness for . I have a DVR which I set to record these shows so that I can skip the commercials and watch an hour show in 40 minutes . I can watch them by my own schedule , when I have the time and inclination . After I watch a show , I erase it from my DVR . Yesterday I did not go to church ( gasp ) . I have not missed church attendance very often throughout my life , and I do feel a bit guilty about not going yesterday . The reason I didn 't go is not relevant . The day did , nonetheless , turn out very nicely . My granddaughter was spending the night . She was exhausted when she went to bed , and I decided not to wake her Sunday morning . So the house was quiet and I tried to keep it quiet and peaceful . I was up early . I dressed and went to the living room with my morning orange juice . I settled into the sofa with my Bible and journal and had a time of personal Bible Study . I am currently in the book of Lamentations . It is a heart - wrenching collection of poems mourning the destruction of Jerusalem by the Babylonians and recounting the horrors and suffering of the 18 months of siege before the city walls were broken through . It is emotionally hard to read , but gives a person a lot to think about . I did nothing in a hurry , but opted for a slow , relaxed morning . Eventually , my stomach demanded attention and I brewed a pot of coffee and cooked my bowl of oatmeal with blueberries and honey ( my favorite breakfast ) . Yum . About 10 : 15 Megan woke up and wandered out . I heard sounds in the back yard and went out on the deck to talk to my son - in - law . He was moving very slowly and stiffly , having run a half - marathon in a cold rain the day before . His way of dealing with pain is to work . He was running the weed trimmer in preparation for mowing . When Megan realized what her dad was doing , she hopped up , dressed , and ran out to help . After the mowing was completed , Megan and I went to the Village Inn for a late lunch . We had a lovely , relaxed time , visiting while we waited for our food , taking our time eating . We returned home , where I skimmed the Sunday paper and worked the puzzles while Megan played chess on the computer . Then it was time for our weekly Bible Study . We were on Deuteronomy in my Introduction to the Bible course that I call Bible 101 . An hour later we felt the need of some fresh air and exercise , so out the door we went for a quick walk around the neighborhood . I wish I had taken my camera , for we passed so many lilacs in full bloom in various shades of purple and also in white . Yesterday I related the story of my grandfather , Ed McLaughlin , breaking his younger brother , Mack , out of Pat Garrett 's jail . Mack was born in 1882 , so this would have had to be during Pat Garrett 's second time of being a Sheriff , when he was given a special appointment in 1896 and charged with bringing in Oliver Lee , a rancher who had , with several others , been accused of a murder ( and was eventually acquitted ) . Mack would , therefore , have been between 14 and 17 when the jail break happened . At that age he was already working as labor building railroads . That would not even be allowed today . My dad for a time had one of Mack 's Wanted Posters , but lost it somewhere along the way . How I would love to see that ! Pat Garrett had a very colorful career as rancher , gunman , lawman , cowboy , gambler , and saloon keeper . He gained fame as the man who killed the outlaw Billy the Kid , but later his reputation was tarnished because he shot and killed an unarmed Billy in a dark bedroom . Garrett seemed to be a man who shot first , without offering surrender . This was not the only time he was accused of such . It was a violent time and it can be difficult sorting out whose version of events was true . Pat Garrett seemed to live by the gun , and he died by the gun when he was 52 years old . The conflict with Oliver Lee in the late 1890s is described in several books . An interesting summary can be found on Wickipedia , in both the article on Pat Garrett and the article on Oliver Lee . Therefore , I won 't try to tell that history , but would refer you to those articles . The old timers called Ed the cool tempered one of the McLaughlin boys . Of course , at the time when they were growing up New Mexico was rough country . Dad rode for Oliver Lee when he and Pat Garrett were feuding . Pat Garrett was no hero to him . We met a fellow in Idaho in 1929 that was a deputy of Garrett 's at the time Dad was with Oliver Lee . He said he always wanted to whip one of Lee 's hands . He got the chance but couldn 't do it . They were both around 60 then , but it was rough . [ Ed was actually 52 in 1929 . Daddy was 20 , so his father probably seemed older to his son than he actually was ! ] As the Wickipedia articles make clear , the struggles between the Lee and Garrett factions were not only about murder . It was all rooted in the conflict over who was going to control all the politics / government in the region . This resulted in the murder ( it is assumed ; that was never solved ) that led to the Lee and Garrett troubles . We think that politics can get dirty these days , but at least our candidates and movers and shakers aren 't usually shooting at each other ! The summer I turned 13 I spent several weeks in Texas with my Aunt Zudie and Uncle Bailey Thames . Aunt Zudie was my father 's only sibling , two years his senior . While I was visiting them , my aunt and uncle took me to Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico . It is an absolutely awesome place . I 'd like to see it again through adult eyes ! There is lots of information about Carlsbad Caverns on the Internet ; I bring it up because of another of the few stories I heard about my McLaughlin ancestors when I was a child . One had to do with Carlsbad Caverns , and was told to us by our Dad . About fifteen years ago , I wrote down what I remembered of family stories . What I remembered about Carlsbad Caverns was that my grandfather had been offered an opportunity to share in developing them as an attraction by the man who owned or was exploring them , but turned it down . My sister Terry , who is four years older than me and thus able to have a clearer recollection of these things , fleshed out my memories with hers . . . . it was Granddad that wouldn 't go into the Carlsbad Cavern venture because every time he tried to drill a water well he came up with a big hole and no water and he was too disgusted about that to want any more to do with the place . Daddy told us the name of the man who wanted to cash in on the Carlsbad Caverns , but I don 't remember it anymore . I keep thinking that it could have been White , but it probably wasn 't . Apparently they had all been homesteaders in the area at one time or another . [ I 've looked it up , and Terry , who has an excellent memory , was correct . The explorer of Carlsbad Caverns , who spent years working to bring it to national attention , was Jim White . When it became a National Monument , he was the first chief ranger . ] The Civil War story was about Daddy 's great - grandfather on his mother 's side of the family . Daddy remembered him and he still had his saber from the war when Daddy was a child . He told the story about the handsomest man he had ever seen . [ Which was that in battle he came face to face with the handsomest man he had ever seen , and he " ran him through . " ] Daddy said that his great - grandfather was a wiry little man with dark coloring . He also was supposedly of Irish extraction . Daddy 's grandfather on the other side of his family , Henry C . McLaughlin , also fought in the Civil War on the Confederate side . The only story that came down to us about that was that Henry had a brother who fought on the Union side . These ancestors were not slave owners . According to my dad , the war was about State 's Rights , not about keeping slaves . And for the majority of southerners who were not slaveholders , I expect that is true . People who gave up homelands and ventured to settle in a land they 'd never seen , and their descendants who spread out across that land and endured much hard work and hardship to make it home , definitely had a spirit of independence and did not like being told what to do ! When Ed McLaughlin was a boy , he was out riding his pony alone one day . He saw some Indians approaching and was afraid that they would steal his pony from him . I don 't remember if they had actually made any threatening move toward him , or if it was just his boyish fears . He rode away as quickly as he could and felt like he 'd made a great escape . A few days later he was in town and passed an Indian on the street . The man smiled and commented , " Fat boy ride fast . " Another story also involved an escape - - this time a jail break . We heard this from our Dad , but it is also one of the stories he wrote down in his correspondence with his cousin Pat Childs . He tells it there better than I would remember it from my childhood : About Uncle Mack - - he was just a boy working on a railroad grade gang . A guy robbed a jewelry story and hid the loot under Mack 's bed , so they locked him [ Mack ] up . He was shackled to a bull ring in the jail . Dad [ Ed McLaughlin ] and another guy chopped through the roof , cut the chain with an ax , then took him to a blacksmith shop and cut the shackles off . Dad gave him a horse and saddle , $ 40 . 00 and a . 45 . That 's the last time they were ever together . [ In another letter , Daddy said this jail they broke Mack out of was Pat Garrett 's jail . ] Red McLaughlin on the left . He appears to be 12 - 14 years old . My father never talked much about his growing up years . As a child I never thought about this . He was just my dad , and what was important was the world as I knew it and the relationships our family had . I feel very self - centered now , thinking about all the questions I wish I 'd asked , all the stories I 'll never hear him tell . I am somewhat comforted by the fact that I am not at all unusual in this . There is a show on TV called Who Do You Think You Are ? in which celebrities are helped to trace parts of their family trees . None of them were any better at knowing their parents ' and grandparents ' stories that I have been . I think it is natural for children to live in the Now ; the world began at their birth and they are interested in and occupied by learning about how the world they live in works . Then we grow old and have the time and curiosity to wonder about our forebears , but the ones who could tell us are gone ! ( Note to parents and grandparents : Even if you think your children and grandchildren wouldn 't be all that interested , share your stories with them . Even better , write them down . There will come a time when they will treasure those stories . ) Of course , there were occasional mentions of things from my Dad 's past . I knew he was born in New Mexico in 1909 , when it was still a Territory . I knew his mother died when he was about two years old and his father did not remarry . I knew things were pretty unsettled for his sister and him , as their father moved from place to place to work . Such little scraps of history . After my father 's death , I learned that he had carried on a correspondence during the 1970s with a cousin who was doing family genealogy research . A number of years after his death this cousin sent copies of those letters to my mother . What a gift ! From those letters we learned more about Daddy 's youth and family stories about his parents ' and grandparents ' generations . My sister Terry transcribed these letters and gave copies to her sisters , making them much easier to read . In writing to his cousin , Daddy said , " Some one should have told you that this old family tree has some mistletoe in it . " I must admit that , since I am far enough removed from some of the events he wrote about , I find the " mistletoe " in the family tree very interesting . From something else he mentioned in one of his letters , I think I know why we never heard these stories when we were growing up . He felt they were embarrassing or might make us ashamed of him or his family . He wanted to protect us from that . I don 't feel that way at all . I don 't know how I would have felt as a child , but these very human stories from a very different time are fascinating to me . I only wish we had more ! When was the last time you shouted for joy in church - - or even sang at the top of your lungs ? Well , my answer would be " Never . " Though I have been in services where an enthusiastic song leader and lively piano player have gotten the congregation to sing out with joy and verve . The reason I am thinking about this is because this morning I read Psalm 146 in the Contemporary English Version . I like to read the Bible in various translations , because the varying word choices , while not changing the overall meaning , can illuminate a passage in a way that catches my attention . In the CEV , Psalm 146 begins , " Shout praises to the LORD ! With all that I am , I will shout his praises . " Well , that got me to thinking along several different lines . First , I pulled out a half dozen other versions . None of them used the word " shout , " but they said " Praise the LORD ! " Margin notes and footnotes showed that the Hebrew words used are those that we put into English as " Hallelujah " or " Alleluia . " I gather that this expression is one of enthusiastic praise , hence the exclamation points . The CEV translators evidently see it as so very great an enthusiastic expression of praise that its true meaning is best expressed as shouting praise to the LORD . So , am I going to joyfully shout in church next Sunday ? The truth is , I could never be that uninhibited ! I would shrivel with embarrassment as people turned to see who was carrying on in such a manner . It would simply be unacceptable in our culture . There are cultures in our world where such joyful and loud expressions of praise are perfectly acceptable , even expected . In them , I believe , we can glimpse what worship may have been like in David 's time . He was a man who wept loudly when he mourned , who danced joyfully before the Ark of the Covenant when it was being moved to Jerusalem , and who organized musicians and singers for the worship at the temple . Although the author of Psalm 146 is unknown , the sentiment would certainly be one embraced by David ! I was born and raised in a small Wyoming town , where I currently live . I have lived in several other places for nearly half my life , but always seem to come back here . I was born in 1941 and have seen huge changes in the culture and technology in that time . I am an introvert by nature and a " bookaholic . " I love a good story ! |
My niece Susan has blogged ( http : / / onlythemanager . blogspot . com / ) about the visit she and her daughter and granddaughter made to our town yesterday to visit her mother - - my sister Grace . My daughter , Anne Marie , and I met them at the cemetery where so many family members are buried . We were there to pick up the Memorial Day decorations and visit the graves . Some people crave , and thrive on , variety . Their restless natures demand an ever - changing course of experiences - - new people , new places , new jobs , new ideas , new excitement . They seem to be always on the move , always seeking something else . This personality type is needed in our world . From their ranks we gain explorers , inventors , and adventurers - - people who see new ways of doing things and open up new vistas for their less restless brethren . Variety , so the old saying goes , is the spice of life . For a person like me , that is a true saying . Spices are used in very small quantities to add flavor to foods . Variety , in small doses , adds interest and pleasure - - spice - - to my life . But I find much comfort in familiar things . Most of the time I would prefer to be at home with a good book , or family , or a TV show I 'm interested in , than to go out looking for excitement . Crowd scenes exhaust me . Social events with too many people I don 't know or don 't know well create a type of nervous strain that fills me with dread . While a different personality type will look forward to and enjoy such an event , it feels like punishment to me . Years ago my husband and I were talked into participating in a Marriage Encounter weekend . Most people who have been to one of these have nothing but praise and enthusiasm for the experience . I hated every minute of it and could hardly wait for it to be over so we could go home . While I can weary of being in " the same old rut , " there are some things about the " same old rut " that I really like ! It became that " same old rut " simply because of my doing the same old things over and over . Because they are things I like . Certainly , I enjoy and need a little change from time to time . And I can guarantee that life will hand out change , whether I want it or not . In the many life changes through the years , some have been wonderful , interesting , educational , fulfilling , and of benefit to my growth as a human being . Other changes have been grievously difficult . Whether life 's changes have been happy ones or unhappy ones , part of the continuity of my life is found in familiar things . When we moved to a new house , new town , or new state , familiar paintings went up on the walls , helping the new place feel like home . All of our household equipment that moved with us from place to place immediately made the new place feel familiar . The comfort of the familiar helped make the adjustment to new circumstances easier . Even when we were excited about some of these changes and truly enjoying them , still the comfort of the familiar things we brought with us helped us enjoy the newness all the more . What has set me thinking about the comfort of the familiar , is my recent choices in reading material . As a lifelong bookworm , I am always buying new books . Right now I probably have ten new books that I want to read and have not gotten to yet . Because I 've been rereading old favorites . Some of these old favorites I have already read more than once . But there is something in me right now that is needing the comfort of familiar things . So I am revisiting worlds of the imagination that I have enjoyed before . It is like visiting friends that I am comfortable with and take pleasure in their company . Rereading a book gives pleasure in the experience , without wondering if things are going to turn out all right . The suspense is gone , the pleasure remains . It 's comfortable . Memorial Day is now a federal holiday , but it began as a day to remember the Union dead from the Civil War . It was called Decoration Day and the dead were honored with floral decorations upon their graves . Over time the meaning of the day expanded to include honoring all soldiers from all wars ; and now , families use the day to also remember and honor all their loved ones who have moved on to eternity . When I was growing up , the day was still called Decoration Day more than Memorial Day , but I like the new name because it more clearly identifies the purpose of the day - - we remember . Many years ago my mother , Rose , made it her special mission to decorate family graves a day or two before Memorial Day . As time went by she was joined by any of us who happened to be in town and available . As we went from grave to grave we talked about the person whose grave we were decorating and shared precious memories . We , the living , also just enjoyed being together . We took photos ; the little ones , who had no idea what it was all about , enjoyed playing with each other . This year the weather was cold and rainy as the holiday approached . On Sunday there was a break in the weather just long enough for a few of us ( Grace , Anne Marie , Chad , and I ) to dash up to the cemetery and get the flowers on all the graves we take care of . As we finished the clouds had closed in and it was starting to rain again . Because of the weather , we did not linger and visit and share memories this time . Through the years we have had many family get - togethers on Memorial Day . When the weather was good , this involved a picnic - type lunch eaten outdoors . Sometimes these gatherings were at Mother 's , sometimes at Grace 's , sometimes at Anne Marie and Chad 's , sometimes at my place . Those present at the gatherings varied from year to year . One thing about these Memorial Day get - togethers , to decorate the graves or to share a meal and fellowship on the actual holiday , is that they bond us to both our living family and the family that has gone before us . It really is all in what you are used to . When we have a few gray and rainy days like today , I begin to yearn for blue skies and sunshine . I wonder how people can bear to live in places where it rains all the time . Intellectually , I know that those rainy - place people wonder how we can bear to live in semi - arid prairie country . Emotionally , I don 't buy it ! Wyoming needs water . When we get the nice rains we are now having , I truly appreciate it . I am happy that my newly planted deck garden ( 34 pots of various sizes ! ) is being watered from the sky , rather than from me carrying watering cans of water from inside my house . ( One thing I overlooked when planning the construction of my house was to put an exterior spigot on the deck . Guess the exercise is good for me ! ) I am glad that the prairie will be green and blooming . I am grateful that the dust storms of April are watered down . Today my Bible reading was chapters 5 , 6 , and 7 of Ezekiel . Ezekiel wrote about his experiences and messages as a prophet of God while he was an exile in Babylon . Well , I must admit it was a bit of a downer . In fact , reading many of the prophetic books that were written as warnings to the people of Israel and Judah in the years before the destruction of their respective nations can be very difficult . When the sinful rebellion against God , and the violence , greed , and injustice of those nations is itemized , I keep thinking that it sounds like the things I hear on the news every day . I have to remind myself that bad news is what makes the news . All the good things done every day do not make for the drama the newsfolk look for . I remember reading years ago a comment by Phil Donohue about the days when he did radio news . The motto was something like , " If it bled , it led . " When I worked for the Probation and Parole Department and then for the County Attorney 's Office , every day 's work dealt with terrible things people do to each other . What kept me from becoming totally depressed and cynical was the fact that through church , family , and friends I knew a lot of good , decent people . Not perfect people , but people who do their best to be what they should be . People who are loving and kind . People who have fun without destructiveness to their minds , bodies , or spirits . People who care about and help others . The salt of the earth . I have to remind myself of that while reading the horrors the prophets sometimes speak of . And with Ezekiel I try to picture the things he describes , as God has him doing performance art to demonstrate his message to the people around him . Some of these action object lessons are so bizarre I can surely believe they attracted the attention of passersby and gave Ezekiel an audience for his message . These were not easy things for Ezekiel to do . He suffered to deliver the message . He had a degree of dedication and obedience that was truly exceptional . Memory is a strange thing . Some things we remember with great clarity ; other things we don 't remember at all . Sometimes a sight , a sound , a word , a bit of music , or a photo can trigger a memory , like opening a forgotten computer file . Suddenly there it is - - a piece of life that has lain unremembered somewhere in the memory banks of the brain . I 've read articles that attempt to describe the chemical processes of the brain that store and / or retrieve memories . It comes out sounding like an impossible thing ; sometimes I think I 'm better off not trying to understand the process , but to just accept the wonder of my human brain that can do such things ! Memory is not always perfect . Get any two people together who witnessed or experienced the same event , and you may hear somewhat differing versions . Some people are more observant than others . And we tend to filter experiences through our own emotional responses , which differ from individual to individual . But , even with its imperfections , memory is an amazing thing . I 've been thinking a lot about memories because for months I 've been working on photo albums and family history projects . I tell my family that my photo albums are how I remember my life , and there is a good deal of truth in that . I may remember a certain trip - - but just when was that ? The years seem to run together . My photo albums will tell me exactly when it happened ( and I 'm usually surprised to realize how long ago it happened - - it seems so much more recent in my memory ) . Have you ever wondered why we can 't remember our own babyhood ? So much happens in those first few years of life , why can 't we remember them ? Although I can 't say I want to remember having to have my diapers changed , I would like to remember the thrill of learning to crawl , to take those first steps , or of being the recipient of all the tender love that babies inspire . I can only see baby days through photos . Some people say they can 't remember anything before they were about four years old . My earliest memory goes back to before age two , but those early memories tend to be brief fragments . I 'm including a photo of myself at not quite two years of age . This picture triggers two memories . While I don 't remember the occasion of the photo , I do remember some of the clothing . First , the muff . No one uses muffs these days , but muffs were actually a very practical way of keeping hands warm . Seeing the muff in this photo triggers a memory fragment of being downtown with my mother and having my hands in my muff . The other clothing , which is remembered very well , are the long stockings . I grew up before they made warm tights for little girls . We had long , light brown stockings held up with garters . When we reached school age my sisters and I hated those stockings . No one else had to wear them ! Now , I admire our mother 's good sense in protecting our little bare legs against the cold in days when little girls could not wear long pants to school . My husband , Jerry , and son , Jeremy , were always avid fishermen . When we lived in southwestern Colorado they just had to walk a couple of blocks to be at the Pine River . It was a great place for Jerry to unwind after work , and he caught a lot of our suppers there . Jeremy fished with his dad from the time he was just a little guy , and cleaned his own fish when he was only seven years old . This love of fishing came with them when we moved to Wyoming , and then to South Dakota , Going fishing was a little more complicated for them then . No longer could they grab their fishing rods , head out the back door , and take a short walk to a river full of trout . Now fishing meant an expedition . I referred to them as " Marathon Fishermen " because when they had a day free to fish they left early in the morning to drive to the lake , and I wouldn 't see them again until after dark . No matter how many dire warnings I gave them about using sun screen , they would forget to reapply as their fishing day wore on . They arrived home tired , happy , and sunburned . After one day of marathon fishing in South Dakota , they brought home a present for me . No , not the fish - - we had eaten so much fish that they mostly did catch and release , keeping only the very best . Blooming around the lake that spring were a multitude of iris flowers . Knowing that I love flowers and had always had a fondness for irises , they dug up a number of them and brought them to me . We planted those iris corms alongside the storage shed and beside the house ; they took root , thrived , and multiplied . Several years after planting those irises , we moved back to Wyoming . But we took with us some of the corms from the Lake Iris plants . Before long there were Lake Irises blooming in the spring at my mother 's house , my daughter 's house , and our house . Although I sold our house the year after Jerry 's death , each spring I can still enjoy the Lake Irises in bloom . We had an addition built on to my daughter and son - in - law 's home ; the lower section is a large garage and the upper section is my apartment . From my living room window I look directly down at the big flower bed , where , right now , the Lake Irises are blooming . They are beautiful in themselves , and they carry with them a precious memory . In my personal Bible reading , I am now in the book of Ezekiel . Ezekiel is a clear example of the fact that being called as a prophet of God was not a call to a life free of stress or trouble ! The life of a prophet tends to be very hard , for they are called to frequently tell people things they do not want to hear . Today what I am thinking about is the vision that Ezekiel was given when he was called to special service by God . To me it is both amazing and bizarre . If reading about it strikes me that way , what must it have been like for Ezekiel to experience it ? ! He must have struggled to find the right words to try to convey what he had seen . This is the vision of the four creatures , human - looking bodies with calves ' feet , each with four wings ( two outspread and two folded along their arms ) , and , oddest of all , four faces . Each had a human face , a bull 's face , a lion 's face , and an eagle 's face . They stood with their human faces looking forward , each creature facing a different way . Their outstretched wings touched at the tips , so that they formed a square . They glowed . They were accompanied by wheels within wheels , the wheels bordered by many , many eyes . Thus , they could move quickly in any direction without having to turn . And with the wings that were folded along their arms , they could fly when needed . Well , this is just loaded with symbolism about the all - seeing , ever - present , all - powerful nature of God . I 'll let you think about that for yourself . It stirs my imagination to wonder if the creatures are real , as well as symbolic . We know from the variety of creatures that live on our earth , and that have lived here but are now extinct , that God has a terrific imagination . So , perhaps , his own home is filled with even more wondrous , imaginative , beings ! Years ago I read a book by an author who was trying to prove that life on earth was seeded by an advanced race from another planet that had long since mastered space travel , and who periodically check back to see how their handiwork is doing ( hence , the UFO sightings ) . This may have been the Chariots of the Gods book - - it is an unbelievable mess , but one thing in it stuck in my memory . In order to try to prove his thesis , the author used this vision of Ezekiel . He believed that what Ezekiel saw was a UFO ! One of the visitations from these aliens . Well , the messages Ezekiel received to pass on to his people were not at all supportive of this author 's ideas . However , it does illustrate how these visions can capture our imaginations as we struggle to visualize and understand the mysteries of God . One of life 's simple pleasures for me is taking my morning coffee out on the deck , relaxing , and enjoying the morning . Of course , living in northern Wyoming means that I only do this for a very limited part of the year . If it is cold or too windy I 'll enjoy that cup of coffee in the comfort of my living room . Yesterday was the first time this year that it was comfortably warm enough , early enough , that I took my coffee to the deck . However . . . I couldn 't relax . The morning was beautiful , the air was calm , the birds were busily twittering , but I couldn 't settle down and enjoy it . I was restless because another simple pleasure was calling me . The day before , my daughter and I had gone flower shopping . I had spent my Mother 's Day gift of flower money and then some on flowers for my deck pots . All those baby petunias , geraniums , and others were sitting there waiting for their summer homes . Although it is earlier than I usually risk setting out the tender plants , the long range weather forecast sees no possible frost for the next two weeks , which takes us to June . So I decided I just couldn 't wait . Those empty pots needed filled ! I abandoned my coffee , got out the fertilizer , gardening gloves , watering pot , and the big old spoon that I use instead of a trowel . I turned on some music for company and started planting . I couldn 't get all the pots filled yesterday ( there are more than thirty ) . I can 't take much direct sun , so had to stop when the sun reached high enough to erase the shade from the deck . I 'll plant more today . Then , I 'll be able to enjoy that morning coffee on the deck surrounded by flowers . A sweet simple pleasure . Jerry 's birthday falls very close to Mother 's Day ; in fact , when his birthday falls on a Sunday , it is Mother 's Day . Even when his birthday and Mother 's Day coincided , Jerry always seemed to put the priority on Mother 's Day . Every Mother 's Day he bought corsages for the mothers in his family . That meant me , my mother , and our daughter when she became a mother . He would send some money to his sisters to buy a corsage for his mother , since she lived several hundred miles from us . He would make Sunday dinner for us , which usually meant spaghetti and hot bread . We never had much money , but money is not necessary to make the people you love feel special . Today , in memory of his birthday , I 'm including one of my favorite photos of Jerry . Some might think this a strange favorite , for he is obviously quite dirty and grungy . That is why it is so dear to me . It tells a lot about the kind of man he was . This photo was taken on his 57th birthday , which turned out to be his last birthday , so there is a touch of sadness to it . But mostly I enjoy looking at it . That birthday was spent hard at work for a landscaping company that was doing the grounds of a new apartment complex . It was hard , dirty work . At the end of the day there was a pickup load of sod left over that would soon be dead if not used . The job foreman gave it to Jerry ; we had a new house with an unfinished yard . So , after working hard all day , Jerry and Chad , our dear son - in - law , spent the evening until well after dark laying sod in our yard . They did pause long enough to eat some supper , but saved the birthday cake and ice cream until after the sod was all down and watered in . The job finished , they came in and we lit the candles on the cake . Just then the telephone rang . It was Jerry 's sister Jean , calling from Colorado to wish him a happy birthday . You can see from his big smile how much he enjoyed talking with her ! So , Happy Birthday , Jerry ! I know every day is special where you are , but this day is special to us because it means you were part of our lives , blessing us and giving of yourself to us . You were a wonderful husband , a great , loving father , adored by your children , a beloved grandfather , and a faithful servant of God . No matter how old I become , I am still my mother 's daughter . She formed me and marked my life indelibly . Until her death at age 94 , I still responded to her as her daughter , not as a senior citizen adult myself , not as a caretaker , but as her daughter . She still is a voice in my head . I constantly see traits in myself that came directly from her . I 'm not the woman she was , but the woman I am owes much to her . I miss her . My mother loved earrings ; particularly dangly earrings . She had quite a collection of earrings , many of which she made herself . Even when she became housebound due to the degeneration of her bones , she still put on her earrings every day . To honor her at her memorial service a number of her daughters , granddaughters , and great - granddaughters wore her earrings . Today , in the memory of my wonderful mother , I am wearing her earrings that I wore that day . Being a mother myself is the most treasured part of my life . I loved motherhood , from the time I first felt those little stirrings within my body , through the sleep - deprived days of babyhood , the thrill of first steps , first words , first days of school , teenage angst , and the time of nest - leaving . My children are adults now , but I will always be their mother . I will always love them , worry about them , be grateful for them , and appreciate them for the people they have become . I am so thankful for the gift of being a mother . I have blogged about my weekends with Megan , my granddaughter . She is a jewel decorating my life . Being a grandparent is as lovely as being a parent , without the sleepless nights , nursing through days of stomach flu , wiping runny noses , and having to make sure the child learns discipline and responsibility ! Grandparenting is fun , satisfying , and full of love . I thank my daughter and son - in - law for the gift of this wonderful child . Our Granddad Ed McLaughlin was 34 years old when his young wife died . Her tragic death had a profound effect on his life , and that of his two young children . The 1910 census shows the family living on their own farm in New Mexico . ( The McLaughlin tribe and some of their relatives seemed to have moved back and forth between southern New Mexico and Camp San Saba in central Texas . ) What I glean from my father 's stories and the letters he wrote to his cousin ( a descendant of Ed 's brother John ) , Ed could not bear to live anymore on the farm that had been his home with his wife . After her death , he and his little children became wanderers . My father wrote about it this way : After Mother died Dad loaded us kids into a covered wagon and that was our home for several years . He just worked at anything . He broke horses , picked cotton , or anything . When we first went to Texas Uncle John was foreman on the Lonesome L . They hired him because he was the toughest , meanest fighting man in that part of the country . I have a lot of true stories about his fights . None of the McLaughlin boys were pets . Dad was supposed to be the cool tempered one , but I never knew him to go six months without a fight and he always won . Maybe not so fair . When I was down in New Mexico , the old timers still argued about who was the best bronc rider - - Ed or John . Dad always said Uncle John was . He got thrown more , but Dad said that was because he took chances . He was as wild as a tiger and had about the same disposition . Enough about Ed and John . They both always said if they came back they wanted to come as a horse . If they do , somebody will have a pair of outlaws on their hands . I know a lot of good things they did - - anyone down and out they gave a hand , or let someone pick on some weak person and they were on the war path . When Daddy was about seven years old , and he and his sister were hungry for a mother of their own , their father almost married a young woman from a family that was close to the McLaughlins . Red and Zudie loved her and were excited about the prospect of getting her in their family . However , it did not happen . As Daddy wrote : Back to Dad and Fanny . One year Ed , John , George Teague , and families were picking cotton for Mr . McLaurine . I think it was near Aspermont , Texas . That 's when Dad got to courting Fanny . Us kids really wanted her . After we left there , Dad was coming back to marry Fanny . We camped at a crossroads a few miles from their place , and he was going to drive over and get her next day . He got up and took off down the other road about 3 a . m . Years later I asked him about it and he said Mother came to him in a dream that night and broke off the romance . He went pretty heavy on dreams . Us kids always felt gypped because we did not get Fanny . And they never did get a stepmother . Sometimes their dad left them with relatives while he was off working a job . Those aunts were the closest thing they ever had to a mother , and Daddy held two of them in very high esteem . Daddy noted in his letter that the last year they traveled in a wagon was 1920 - 21 . He would have been eleven years old . Thinking about this , I wonder how , with all the wandering , he ever got an education . He told us he finished the 11th grade , but I don 't know if it was in Texas or in New Mexico . Whatever may have been lacking in his education , he was a good reader . I remember him as often having a book or magazine in his hands . His sister once commented about him that all that would be necessary to prove Red was crazy was to give him a funny story to read . That was because he would laugh out loud as he read . I succumbed to temptation . Yes , I did . I had promised myself I would not buy any plants for my deck flower pots for at least another week . . . but , yesterday my daughter and I went to Wal - Mart . And , of course , they had flowers . So I HAD to look at them . And , naturally , then I needed to save some of them from the neglect that the chain stores always inflict on their bedding plants . ( That is a big pet peeve of mine , so I 'd better not get started on that rant ! ) Really , I just wanted those beautiful , intense red petunias ! Winter is so dreary that I had built up quite a hunger for flowers . Yes , lilacs , and trees , and early flowers are blooming around town - - but I wanted my own flowers . We are having an early , unusually warm spring for this part of the country , but it can 't be counted as safe to plant tender flowers yet . One night of frost would do them in . My Grandmother Mackey , with her husband and children , homesteaded in Wyoming in 1917 . They came from North Carolina , so it was a completely different climate than what they were used to . Grandma was a good gardener , and she was able to grow big gardens even on the Wyoming prairie . She used to say that you could plant anything after the 15th of May . However , their homestead was 60 miles south of where I live . It doesn 't seem like much , but going south 60 miles does make a difference . My experience has been that it is safer to wait until the end of May to put out the tender young bedding plants . It feels like time to be planting ! But I will wait a little longer before I actually plant my petunias . I 'll put them out on the deck during the day to be hardening off , but I 'll bring them inside at night . My paternal grandmother died when she was 20 years old . My father was was a toddler when he lost his mother , so he had no memories of her . There were , however , a few things about her that I heard when I was growing up . Maudie 's real name was Margaret Gertrude McLaughlin . ( Her maiden name was Neatherlin . ) For some reason , her family called her " Maudie " and this nickname was so universally used for her that my father believed his mother 's name was Maude Gertrude . Maudie was a small woman . My dad remembered some of her clothing that had been saved in a trunk , and she wore a size one shoe . I don 't know how that size from the early 1900s translates to today , but he was impressed with the smallness of her shoes and clothes . Unfortunately that trunk of her things was ruined when the basement it was stored in at some relative 's home was flooded . I have often wondered what she would think about her five granddaughters , the shortest of whom was 5 ' 6 " and the tallest of whom was 5 ' 10 . 5 " ! We grew up thinking all photos of Maude had been lost with her other things , but , when I was in my 30s , my parents visited Texas and someone in my Dad 's family had the picture I have included here . We were all thrilled to at last have an image of the Grandmother that had been rather like a myth in our minds . This photo was taken when she was about 17 years old . She is holding very still , with a solemn expression . In those days that was the proper way to be photographed - - no big grins ! When we finally saw a picture of this grandmother , we realized that one of our sisters greatly resembles her ! We have only one story that shows something of Maudie 's personality and character . She was only fourteen years old when she married Ed McLaughlin , who was twenty - eight . I don 't know how they met . It was not unheard of for girls to marry so young , though it was perhaps not terribly common . I think her family may have been a bit unhappy at her choice to marry so young , and to marry one of the McLaughlin brothers . Those four brothers had a reputation of being a bit wild , rough , tough , and hot - tempered . Ed was known as the brother with the coolest temper , and yet he was quite a fighter . The reason I believe her family was not overjoyed about her decision to marry comes from the only story I know about it . The story is that one of Maudie 's sisters tried to discourage her from marrying Ed , who was fourteen years her senior . " Just think , " the sister reportedly said , " he 's twice as old as you . Why , when you are thirty , he 'll be an old man of sixty ! " This mistaken math was not enough to dissuade Maude . From this story I get a glimpse of a girl who knew her own mind and heart and had the strength of will to stick to her decision . Her death had a profound effect on the way her children grew up . Her husband had loved her dearly , and never remarried . There is a story about that , but I will save it for another day . A little background . For years I 've groused about the fact I have over a hundred TV channels but " there 's nothing much but the news worth watching . " There were , of course , some shows I did enjoy - - the unscripted , real people ones like American Idol , Survivor , Amazing Race , The Biggest Loser , and Apprentice . These shows are only on for a few weeks at a time , each season has an ending that completes the particular adventure , and they are full of human interest . The " story " shows I had grown impatient , and often disgusted , with . The comedy shows have grown to depend on sexual innuendo for their humor . The great comedies of the past , whose writers actually had wit and comedic sense that did not depend on dirty jokes and people pursuing various bed partners , are no more . The dramas also feature very little originality and a lot of carnality . But . . . this year I find that I 've gotten interested in several dramas that are interesting , or quirky , or mysterious , or whose characters I developed a fondness for . I have a DVR which I set to record these shows so that I can skip the commercials and watch an hour show in 40 minutes . I can watch them by my own schedule , when I have the time and inclination . After I watch a show , I erase it from my DVR . Yesterday I did not go to church ( gasp ) . I have not missed church attendance very often throughout my life , and I do feel a bit guilty about not going yesterday . The reason I didn 't go is not relevant . The day did , nonetheless , turn out very nicely . My granddaughter was spending the night . She was exhausted when she went to bed , and I decided not to wake her Sunday morning . So the house was quiet and I tried to keep it quiet and peaceful . I was up early . I dressed and went to the living room with my morning orange juice . I settled into the sofa with my Bible and journal and had a time of personal Bible Study . I am currently in the book of Lamentations . It is a heart - wrenching collection of poems mourning the destruction of Jerusalem by the Babylonians and recounting the horrors and suffering of the 18 months of siege before the city walls were broken through . It is emotionally hard to read , but gives a person a lot to think about . I did nothing in a hurry , but opted for a slow , relaxed morning . Eventually , my stomach demanded attention and I brewed a pot of coffee and cooked my bowl of oatmeal with blueberries and honey ( my favorite breakfast ) . Yum . About 10 : 15 Megan woke up and wandered out . I heard sounds in the back yard and went out on the deck to talk to my son - in - law . He was moving very slowly and stiffly , having run a half - marathon in a cold rain the day before . His way of dealing with pain is to work . He was running the weed trimmer in preparation for mowing . When Megan realized what her dad was doing , she hopped up , dressed , and ran out to help . After the mowing was completed , Megan and I went to the Village Inn for a late lunch . We had a lovely , relaxed time , visiting while we waited for our food , taking our time eating . We returned home , where I skimmed the Sunday paper and worked the puzzles while Megan played chess on the computer . Then it was time for our weekly Bible Study . We were on Deuteronomy in my Introduction to the Bible course that I call Bible 101 . An hour later we felt the need of some fresh air and exercise , so out the door we went for a quick walk around the neighborhood . I wish I had taken my camera , for we passed so many lilacs in full bloom in various shades of purple and also in white . Yesterday I related the story of my grandfather , Ed McLaughlin , breaking his younger brother , Mack , out of Pat Garrett 's jail . Mack was born in 1882 , so this would have had to be during Pat Garrett 's second time of being a Sheriff , when he was given a special appointment in 1896 and charged with bringing in Oliver Lee , a rancher who had , with several others , been accused of a murder ( and was eventually acquitted ) . Mack would , therefore , have been between 14 and 17 when the jail break happened . At that age he was already working as labor building railroads . That would not even be allowed today . My dad for a time had one of Mack 's Wanted Posters , but lost it somewhere along the way . How I would love to see that ! Pat Garrett had a very colorful career as rancher , gunman , lawman , cowboy , gambler , and saloon keeper . He gained fame as the man who killed the outlaw Billy the Kid , but later his reputation was tarnished because he shot and killed an unarmed Billy in a dark bedroom . Garrett seemed to be a man who shot first , without offering surrender . This was not the only time he was accused of such . It was a violent time and it can be difficult sorting out whose version of events was true . Pat Garrett seemed to live by the gun , and he died by the gun when he was 52 years old . The conflict with Oliver Lee in the late 1890s is described in several books . An interesting summary can be found on Wickipedia , in both the article on Pat Garrett and the article on Oliver Lee . Therefore , I won 't try to tell that history , but would refer you to those articles . The old timers called Ed the cool tempered one of the McLaughlin boys . Of course , at the time when they were growing up New Mexico was rough country . Dad rode for Oliver Lee when he and Pat Garrett were feuding . Pat Garrett was no hero to him . We met a fellow in Idaho in 1929 that was a deputy of Garrett 's at the time Dad was with Oliver Lee . He said he always wanted to whip one of Lee 's hands . He got the chance but couldn 't do it . They were both around 60 then , but it was rough . [ Ed was actually 52 in 1929 . Daddy was 20 , so his father probably seemed older to his son than he actually was ! ] As the Wickipedia articles make clear , the struggles between the Lee and Garrett factions were not only about murder . It was all rooted in the conflict over who was going to control all the politics / government in the region . This resulted in the murder ( it is assumed ; that was never solved ) that led to the Lee and Garrett troubles . We think that politics can get dirty these days , but at least our candidates and movers and shakers aren 't usually shooting at each other ! The summer I turned 13 I spent several weeks in Texas with my Aunt Zudie and Uncle Bailey Thames . Aunt Zudie was my father 's only sibling , two years his senior . While I was visiting them , my aunt and uncle took me to Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico . It is an absolutely awesome place . I 'd like to see it again through adult eyes ! There is lots of information about Carlsbad Caverns on the Internet ; I bring it up because of another of the few stories I heard about my McLaughlin ancestors when I was a child . One had to do with Carlsbad Caverns , and was told to us by our Dad . About fifteen years ago , I wrote down what I remembered of family stories . What I remembered about Carlsbad Caverns was that my grandfather had been offered an opportunity to share in developing them as an attraction by the man who owned or was exploring them , but turned it down . My sister Terry , who is four years older than me and thus able to have a clearer recollection of these things , fleshed out my memories with hers . . . . it was Granddad that wouldn 't go into the Carlsbad Cavern venture because every time he tried to drill a water well he came up with a big hole and no water and he was too disgusted about that to want any more to do with the place . Daddy told us the name of the man who wanted to cash in on the Carlsbad Caverns , but I don 't remember it anymore . I keep thinking that it could have been White , but it probably wasn 't . Apparently they had all been homesteaders in the area at one time or another . [ I 've looked it up , and Terry , who has an excellent memory , was correct . The explorer of Carlsbad Caverns , who spent years working to bring it to national attention , was Jim White . When it became a National Monument , he was the first chief ranger . ] The Civil War story was about Daddy 's great - grandfather on his mother 's side of the family . Daddy remembered him and he still had his saber from the war when Daddy was a child . He told the story about the handsomest man he had ever seen . [ Which was that in battle he came face to face with the handsomest man he had ever seen , and he " ran him through . " ] Daddy said that his great - grandfather was a wiry little man with dark coloring . He also was supposedly of Irish extraction . Daddy 's grandfather on the other side of his family , Henry C . McLaughlin , also fought in the Civil War on the Confederate side . The only story that came down to us about that was that Henry had a brother who fought on the Union side . These ancestors were not slave owners . According to my dad , the war was about State 's Rights , not about keeping slaves . And for the majority of southerners who were not slaveholders , I expect that is true . People who gave up homelands and ventured to settle in a land they 'd never seen , and their descendants who spread out across that land and endured much hard work and hardship to make it home , definitely had a spirit of independence and did not like being told what to do ! When Ed McLaughlin was a boy , he was out riding his pony alone one day . He saw some Indians approaching and was afraid that they would steal his pony from him . I don 't remember if they had actually made any threatening move toward him , or if it was just his boyish fears . He rode away as quickly as he could and felt like he 'd made a great escape . A few days later he was in town and passed an Indian on the street . The man smiled and commented , " Fat boy ride fast . " Another story also involved an escape - - this time a jail break . We heard this from our Dad , but it is also one of the stories he wrote down in his correspondence with his cousin Pat Childs . He tells it there better than I would remember it from my childhood : About Uncle Mack - - he was just a boy working on a railroad grade gang . A guy robbed a jewelry story and hid the loot under Mack 's bed , so they locked him [ Mack ] up . He was shackled to a bull ring in the jail . Dad [ Ed McLaughlin ] and another guy chopped through the roof , cut the chain with an ax , then took him to a blacksmith shop and cut the shackles off . Dad gave him a horse and saddle , $ 40 . 00 and a . 45 . That 's the last time they were ever together . [ In another letter , Daddy said this jail they broke Mack out of was Pat Garrett 's jail . ] Red McLaughlin on the left . He appears to be 12 - 14 years old . My father never talked much about his growing up years . As a child I never thought about this . He was just my dad , and what was important was the world as I knew it and the relationships our family had . I feel very self - centered now , thinking about all the questions I wish I 'd asked , all the stories I 'll never hear him tell . I am somewhat comforted by the fact that I am not at all unusual in this . There is a show on TV called Who Do You Think You Are ? in which celebrities are helped to trace parts of their family trees . None of them were any better at knowing their parents ' and grandparents ' stories that I have been . I think it is natural for children to live in the Now ; the world began at their birth and they are interested in and occupied by learning about how the world they live in works . Then we grow old and have the time and curiosity to wonder about our forebears , but the ones who could tell us are gone ! ( Note to parents and grandparents : Even if you think your children and grandchildren wouldn 't be all that interested , share your stories with them . Even better , write them down . There will come a time when they will treasure those stories . ) Of course , there were occasional mentions of things from my Dad 's past . I knew he was born in New Mexico in 1909 , when it was still a Territory . I knew his mother died when he was about two years old and his father did not remarry . I knew things were pretty unsettled for his sister and him , as their father moved from place to place to work . Such little scraps of history . After my father 's death , I learned that he had carried on a correspondence during the 1970s with a cousin who was doing family genealogy research . A number of years after his death this cousin sent copies of those letters to my mother . What a gift ! From those letters we learned more about Daddy 's youth and family stories about his parents ' and grandparents ' generations . My sister Terry transcribed these letters and gave copies to her sisters , making them much easier to read . In writing to his cousin , Daddy said , " Some one should have told you that this old family tree has some mistletoe in it . " I must admit that , since I am far enough removed from some of the events he wrote about , I find the " mistletoe " in the family tree very interesting . From something else he mentioned in one of his letters , I think I know why we never heard these stories when we were growing up . He felt they were embarrassing or might make us ashamed of him or his family . He wanted to protect us from that . I don 't feel that way at all . I don 't know how I would have felt as a child , but these very human stories from a very different time are fascinating to me . I only wish we had more ! When was the last time you shouted for joy in church - - or even sang at the top of your lungs ? Well , my answer would be " Never . " Though I have been in services where an enthusiastic song leader and lively piano player have gotten the congregation to sing out with joy and verve . The reason I am thinking about this is because this morning I read Psalm 146 in the Contemporary English Version . I like to read the Bible in various translations , because the varying word choices , while not changing the overall meaning , can illuminate a passage in a way that catches my attention . In the CEV , Psalm 146 begins , " Shout praises to the LORD ! With all that I am , I will shout his praises . " Well , that got me to thinking along several different lines . First , I pulled out a half dozen other versions . None of them used the word " shout , " but they said " Praise the LORD ! " Margin notes and footnotes showed that the Hebrew words used are those that we put into English as " Hallelujah " or " Alleluia . " I gather that this expression is one of enthusiastic praise , hence the exclamation points . The CEV translators evidently see it as so very great an enthusiastic expression of praise that its true meaning is best expressed as shouting praise to the LORD . So , am I going to joyfully shout in church next Sunday ? The truth is , I could never be that uninhibited ! I would shrivel with embarrassment as people turned to see who was carrying on in such a manner . It would simply be unacceptable in our culture . There are cultures in our world where such joyful and loud expressions of praise are perfectly acceptable , even expected . In them , I believe , we can glimpse what worship may have been like in David 's time . He was a man who wept loudly when he mourned , who danced joyfully before the Ark of the Covenant when it was being moved to Jerusalem , and who organized musicians and singers for the worship at the temple . Although the author of Psalm 146 is unknown , the sentiment would certainly be one embraced by David ! I was born and raised in a small Wyoming town , where I currently live . I have lived in several other places for nearly half my life , but always seem to come back here . I was born in 1941 and have seen huge changes in the culture and technology in that time . I am an introvert by nature and a " bookaholic . " I love a good story ! |
Don 't feel bad for me or anything . I 've made my peace with that years ago . Life with them was never great , but I do miss them . It 's just that if they taught me one thing it 's to not sit around wallowing in self - pity . Anyone have that one family member that 's just a little strange , a little cut off from the rest of the family ? Aunt Louise was ours . She was also our closest living relative . Dad 's family lived on the other side of the continent . Mom 's parents were both dead and she was an only child . Aunt Louise , her mother 's sister , actually , so my great - aunt , lived just an hour from where we did . But she accepted . I 'm not sure how willingly , or graciously , because I wasn 't privy to the phone conversation where she agreed to take me . I was surprised , though , at how nice she was to me the first three days I was there . I want to make something clear ; while Aunt Louise was cranky , odd , eccentric , uncouth , and several other less - than - flattering adjectives , she wasn 't a complete bitch . She had a rather abrupt , even abrasive , way of speaking , but she wasn 't cruel . I had never taken the time to really get to know her during my initial fourteen years , but I could tell that she mostly kept to herself and didn 't particularly like people , so naturally I assumed that she was a reclusive , curmudgeonly bitch . Really , what surprised me most when I first moved in , it was how normal everything seemed . At least at first . Aunt Louise cooked , cleaned , watched TV , talked to neighbors on the phone , etc . just like anyone else would , and she told me right away that she had little in the way of expectations from me , or at least , none that my parents wouldn 't have ; don 't stay out too late , let her know if you 're going to be late coming home , finish your homework before you watch TV , clean up after yourself , etc . There was one rule , however , that was strange . And it stood out from the other rules in how strange it was . At first I tried not to worry about it ; old people sometimes have peculiarities . I initially thought that was all this was . I was wrong . She insisted that any time I entered or left a room , I was to shut the door behind me right away . It didn 't matter if I was only going to be in that room for a few seconds . If I entered a room , I was expected to immediately shut the door , and the same was true if I left it . I often forgot this rule in my first week or so there . She never failed to remind me of it . " Shut that damned door ! " she would yell , any time I forgot . It never seemed to matter where she was in the house , she could always tell when I had not shut a door just after opening it . Her house was old , and my understanding is that she was not its first owner . She had lived in it since Mom was a girl . I had no idea how old it was . It could easily have been over a hundred , judging by its design and layout . It had two floors , a basement and a sub - basement . That last floor threw me for a bit of a loop when I discovered it existed . I was washing a load of my clothes when I noticed a door , closed , naturally , in the far wall of the utility room . The basement was unfinished , with mostly dirt flooring and bits and bobs stacked or piled or shelved everywhere . The only room you could really walk through without fear of stepping on something or knocking over a stack or pile was this laundry room , which was also the only tiled floor down there The door I found in the basement had a board laid across it , easily moveable . It was as if Aunt Louise wanted a border there but not one that she couldn 't get past , if need be . My curiosity overtook me the second time I saw it , and I slid the board away from the door and tried it . It was locked . " The door in the basement ? " she answered . " That 's the sub - basement . Not much down there . I mainly keep my preserves down there . It 's cool enough for them to keep . " " Right , " I answered . This didn 't really explain why she kept it locked . " So if I ever wanted to take a look around down there . . . " I noticed with that response that her face had changed . Aunt Louise mostly wore the same expression ; a scowl like someone had just tracked mud onto her freshly - shampooed carpet . Again , she wasn 't as nasty as her expression indicated , but it was the expression she was most used to making , apparently . I 've always been a curious type , you see . I 've never been able to stay away from something that aroused my curiosity , even if my good sense told me better . I wanted nothing more after that than to see what was in that sub - basement . But how was I to get around the lock ? That was going to be an issue . Aunt Louise kept all her keys on a single ring . There weren 't that many of them , but I figured if the door to that sub - basement was anywhere , it was there . This turned out not to be so simple . For one thing , it was not possible to get around the house without being heard . I couldn 't sneak from my bedroom to hers in order to sneak the keys without opening and closing all doors in between us ; mine , the door in the far part of the hallway , and hers . Believe me , even if I simply left all doors open , she somehow knew . I once had to go to the bathroom in the night , and I forgot to close the hallway door . I had just made it to the bathroom when I heard her yell , even while asleep , " Shut that damned door ! " I hurriedly turned back and went to close the hallway door , forgetting to close the bathroom door , and I heard it again : " Shut that damned door ! " So I forgot about the sub - basement door for a while . I placed my curiosity on the back burner and just tried to get along with the taciturn old woman for a while . Life got a bit easier . As long as I remembered to keep all doors shut at all times , the two of us got along famously . She didn 't get in my face about things , and I didn 't get in hers . It was a pretty silent house , but one that I got used to living in . I didn 't even think it strange anymore that every part of the house that one accessed through a door always had its door shut . It would have struck me as more odd if any doorway was ever left open . Which brings me to the day Aunt Louise fell asleep while watching The Price is Right . It was a summer day , and pretty hot . Louise was slightly less worried about windows being open than doors , but she still tended to only open one at a time , and today she had just one open , one that wasn 't doing much at all to cool down a boxed - in house that had zero room for airflow thanks to Aunt Louise 's chief eccentricity . So , naturally , she fell asleep . And I saw my chance . Her purse was at her feet . I was sitting in the chair directly beside hers , reading an Avengers comic book and trying to ignore the repeated calls of " Come oooooooon doooooown ! " from the TV . I looked over at her , and saw that she was in a deep doze . Her hearing wasn 't the greatest even when she was awake , though she was far from deaf , but I figured in her snooze , there would be little chance she would hear the tiny noise of me rifling through her purse . I found her keys almost immediately and headed for the stairwell . If she woke up when I opened the door , I would just claim I was doing a load of laundry . But she was unlikely to wake up unless I forgot to close the door , which by now I never did . Quietly , I crept for the laundry room , opened the door and closed it just as quick , slipping inside . I felt for the chain - pull for the light and pulled it . Low , eery light flickered through the room . I had never thought of the lighting in here as eery before , but I did now . There was something about this entire endeavor that felt wrong . But my curiosity overrode my sense of caution . I crept toward the door and slid the board away from it . Aunt Louise had apparently put it back in place after the last time I had done this . The question of why she had done so played in my brain for a moment , but I ignored it and brought out the key ring . I found the right key on the third try , and heard a loud chuck of the lock sliding away . I froze , heart beating in my chest , waiting to hear a cry from upstairs . Nothing . The door opened silently as a ghost . There wasn 't any light to illuminate the staircase beyond . I didn 't even see a chain - pull for a light on the stairs . My brain was screaming at the rest of my body to turn around and forget this little adventure , but I paid it no heed and crept down the stairs , feeling along the wall for guidance . It turned out there was a tiny amount of light , coming through vents in the ceiling . It wasn 't much , but I could see that there was a pull - string light , just a few feet from the foot of the stairs . Stupid place to put it ; it should be right at the landing . But I walked down what appeared to be a fairly compact hallway and pulled the string . If possible , the light that flickered on was lower than the light from the laundry room . I could barely tell I 'd turned it on . I looked around and saw that , indeed , Aunt Louise did have rows of preserves down here . I was somewhat disappointed at the mundane answer to the mystery . For a moment , it seemed that the secret sub - basement was exactly what it was supposed to be . Except . . . I could feel a puff of a warmish breeze that should not be possible down in the hard - packed earthen walls and cooler , subterranean air . The sense of wrongness was still there , and still strong , and I realized that the long row of shelves holding jars ended in a doorway at the end . A doorway that didn 't have a door . I crept forward , arms in front of me , stepping carefully . The room beyond the door was dark and smelled musty . I couldn 't feel a source of the slightly warm air that was brushing against my skin . But I was noticing that the closer I got to that room , the warmer the air became . By the time I was at the mouth of the tunnel ( somehow I had started thinking of this place as a tunnel by this time ) , the air wasn 't just warm , it was humid . Fetid . The smell went from musty to moldy , to something even worse . I was assailed by that sense of wrongness stronger than ever . I had to get out of here . Why was I walking even closer ? There wasn 't much light , but I could see the outline of another door on the other side of the room . It was ajar . Seeing a door ajar in Aunt Louise 's house was like seeing a shattered window in anyone else 's . It was wrong . It was not meant to be . But then . . . I wasn 't precisely in Aunt Louise 's house anymore , was I ? This tunnel was not built for this house . I knew that in my soul . It was here before . Long before . This was a place that had only become attached to Aunt Louise 's house by short - sighted builders , unaware of what they had unearthed . What they should have left buried . It took me a moment to realize that the room beyond , the very room I was about to step into , was moving . The light was too dim to really see what was happening , but there was motion beyond it . Unceasing , slow , lazy motion . All along the walls , the floor . I could hear a slight squelching noise from its every corner . Things were crawling , expanding their pulpous flesh . And looking at me . Daring me to cross that floor and shut the door on the far side , forever closing out what might be coming through it . I heard sucking sounds . Some formless , gelatinous presence stretched and flexed in the darkness . In that moment , a sense of understanding came to me . I was not the first person to stand at this door . This door that could not be closed . Not the first person to see that other door , the one that was not meant to be , standing open on the other side , and knowing that it always would , until someone worked up the courage to cross the threshold and close it . I didn 't have the courage , either . I turned and fled , and never looked back . When I was sixteen I moved out of Aunt Louise 's and into a Halfway House . Once I was eighteen I got a job upstate , and moved there . I never went back to Aunt Louise 's and never called her , tried hard to not even think about her . But I haven 't been successful . I still think back to the day I stood at that doorway , about the squelching , wriggling things that waited in the dark . And I wonder if Aunt Louise ever found the strength to cross the room and shut that damned door . The " black metal " genre , a dark offshoot of mainstream metal , has been sneeringly referred to as hipsterism for metalheads . This is because , if you 've heard of them , then they probably aren 't a black metal band . These are the guys that make Marilyn Manson or Alice Cooper look like posers . The black metal scene has little to do with entertainment . The bands , fans , groupies , club managers , etc . , all consider themselves part of something greater ; a subculture that is about authenticity and not at all about spectacle . Many bands don 't play live at all , though Desicræd did . Others refuse to appear in public unless it 's to perform , and they treat their concerts like rituals . They pile their stages full with charming set pieces like severed animal heads , inverted crosses , pentagrams and other demonic symbols . Vanger , born in Askersund , Sweden in 1959 , migrated to the US with his parents in 1972 . After a bitter falling out with his family , he founded Skitpågud , his first band , in 1985 . Skitpågud stayed together for just over a year before dissolving , and at that point Vanger , who began calling himself Necrothrål , and his bass player H ' arr Bŷngr ( real name Kyle Cormier ) , became the founding members of Desicræd , along with drummer Kurtis " Baphomeat " Stocker and backup guitarist Lynsey " Sacrifeast " Cohen . Desicræd exploded in the mid - eighties at the SkriptürPhage Festival , where they were a regular performer . Their concerts were more like bloody orgies , wherein Necrothrål would appear to bleed black blood , animal guts and semen were thrown on audiences , and occasionally there were actual murders that took place . The band members were in and out of prison numerous times . Necrothrål would repeatedly dare God to stop his " ritual " , and would claim that " God is a liar and Satan is a pussy . " The main idea behind Desicræd was that a lying god enslaved a weak , pathetic Satan , and that the only true gospel was that of Desicræd . Necrothrål claimed to be the true ruler of Hell , and that he and his band were weakening the barriers between this " false " reality we lived in , created by the liar god , and the " true " reality of the Hell that Necrothrål ruled . They were hardly the first , or only , band in their market who made satanic or demonic claims , but they probably were the most brazen . Several bands approached the subject differently ; many denied that such concepts as " God " or " The Devil " even existed , and therefore good and evil were mere fallacies . Others denied God as ruler and called Satan their master . Desicræd 's position as Hell 's true ruler , and their idea that they were literally attempting to bring about Hell on Earth , was relatively a new approach when they first entered the scene , and later bands that took that approach seemed to mix their approaches . Now , understand that in the world of black metal , becoming an " unperson " isn 't all that hard . For one thing , it 's not uncommon for some bands to simply never release their real names or identities to the public . That way , if they chose to stop performing , or if they die , no one knows where they went because no one knew who they were outside of their metal personae . They later acknowledged that there was a planned " fourth phase " , but that Necrothrål had disappeared right as it was about to begin . This made him somewhat of an anomaly . For a band to acknowledge that their founder really was missing , and not just dead or retired , was far from the norm . For a while , people still treated it like normal , expecting that at some point Vanger would reappear , and claim to have seen and conquered Hell . When he didn 't appear on the anniversary of the band 's forming , and didn 't appear when the " fourth phase " had been meant to end , Lickz Magazine decided to send me on a journey to find him . I objected at first , as I have never covered the black metal beat before , but after learning how long he 'd been missing , and that he had been officially classified as a " missing person " , well , I could not resist . I love a mystery , you see . Legion is a 67 - year - old Norwegian who speaks English quite well , with a light accent . His real name is Gunnar , though he wouldn 't tell me his last name . His look is a more casual biker - from - hell ensemble , including tattoos of demonic symbols , evil faces and phrases , etc . , nearly everywhere ; up and down his arms , his chest , his face . He wears mostly black leather , his hair is long and ragged and he 's pierced through the ears , nose , lips , tongue and God knows where else . Unlike Vanger , Legion acknowledges that most of what happens at his shows is purely to excite the crowd and get them to buy albums . " I used to be a believer , " he tells me . " But I been in this industry a long time . I seen nothing to tell me there 's a Hell below , a Heaven above . And I decided long time ago that I don 't care . This scene , it becomes your life , you know ? I know nothing else . I live and die metal , ya ? " He didn 't have any clue what had become of Vanger . " He always a bragger , you know ? He was angry , angry at the world , angry with anything beyond it . He decide a long time ago that no one was fit to rule him . He would be the ruler , ya ? " " Glyph looked made up , ya ? He said it was for ritual , that the phases were the removal of reality . I dunno . Never saw one like that . " Never would I have dreamed that I would get an actual response . Few in the black metal scene likely even read the article and outside the scene , few people would have cared about Joren Vanger . But three days ago I received an email from a blocked address telling me that if I truly wanted answers , I should come to a local bar where I was to meet at a specific booth . In order to not draw undue attention to this place , I will refrain from naming the establishment . At first I believed the email to be spam , but I read it again , and realized that if it was spam , it was a terrible example of the form . I wasn 't being asked to send any of my personal information back to them , wasn 't even being asked to reply at all . Just show up if I wanted answers . One of them was easily seven feet tall and dressed like a biker , in leather and chains with big rings on his fingers and patches on his jacket . I couldn 't get a look at his face , for some reason . The skin tone on his hands seemed all over the place , a mix of every skin tone known to man , all in one color that was all colors , and no , I don 't mean it was white . I mean it literally looked like one color and all colors at the same time . I don 't know how else to describe it . The second man was smaller and easier for me to get a look at . He wore a natty little pinstriped suit with a bow tie . His hair was golden blonde and his eyes were of a deep , pure blue . There couldn 't have been more of a difference between he and the big one , yet here they sat , together . I had the sense upon seeing these men that I should turn around and leave , and pretend I never saw them . Somehow I could just tell that meeting them wasn 't supposed to happen . But as I was turning , the larger man called out to me . " Steven Faraday ? " he boomed . His voice sounded deep , like Ving Rhames , only louder and carrying further . " Come , sit . Have a drink with us . We 're buying . " Slowly , hesitantly , I sat . Even sitting at the booth it was hard to get a look at the big guy 's face . It was almost more like I couldn 't look directly at it , like any attempt to get a closer look ended with me perusing the wall beside him instead . " Well , " I said . I still wasn 't sure I should even be here . " More of a professional curiosity , really . I didn 't know the man , or anything . " " We do , " said the little guy . " And believe me , we don 't usually divulge information like this . But good old Necrothrål was a special case . " He spoke the name as if it amused him . " Few people actively seek to bring the realm of the damned to this realm , " said the big guy . " Joren Vanger did , and he got closer than even he ever realized he could . He understood that knowledge of that forbidden act would not be found on this realm , so he sought it in other realms . " " That glyph , " said the little guy . " I 'm still trying to find out how he got his hands on it , but he never should have had it . We 'll just say that much . " " When you issue challenges to the Supreme Being , " said the big guy . " Most of the time you 're just beating your fists against a brick wall . How could any mortal truly challenge the Divine ? Most of these challenges are not issued with any sincerity , whatever the challenger may say , but when they are , it can be rather amusing to see what happens when the challenge gets answered . " " Wait , wait , " I said . " Slow down . You 're saying he managed to find the gateway to Hell ? " I shook my head . These guys were clearly having one over on me . " No , no , not at all , " the little guy continued . " There 's no gate . Not in the literal sense , at any rate . But Vanger was like the rest of you , and figured there had to be . And he thought he 'd found the key . " " But it was more like a one - way ticket , " said the big guy , with a soft chuckle . " The thing is , people don 't get what they deserve . They get what they long for . That 's another misconception about the afterlife . You don 't go to Heaven for being good , and you don 't get sent to Hell for being bad . You are sent to Heaven if you truly desire to go there , and the same is true of Hell . " " He wanted to rule it , " said the little guy . " But he didn 't understand , that 's never part of the bargain . If you actually go to Hell , you 're automatically a prisoner there . No one there gets to rule . " He shot a dirty look at the big guy . I 've listened to a few Desicræd songs since meeting these two men , and I think my estimation of Vanger 's lead vocals was off . They don 't sound like demons screaming anymore . They sound like the agonized howls of a man being tortured beyond the imagination of even the sickest soul . Posted by Every now and then , I get a snatch of a song running through my head . When that happens , it can drive me nuts , and it 's a devil of a time trying to get another song in there to replace it . It 's gotta be another song , though . I can 't ever just have a head full of peace and quiet . Sometimes the song I try to listen to and replace the persistent one will instead mix with it , creating this weird cacophonic mash - up in my skull that makes me want to stab somebody . In the last several weeks , there 's one song that 's been pretty persistent , and the craziest part is that I have no idea who the artist is , what the song 's name is , or even the words . All I can remember of it is a single refrain that repeats the same line three times . The first time is clearly the main melody , the second is a counterpoint , and the third is the continuation of the main melody . It 's a strangely pleasant song , sounding like something Del Amitri would come up with , but I 've listened to their entire repertoire , and nothing matches . On that last line , the singer soars up into falsetto . He has a light tenor voice as it is . Like I said , not at all unpleasant to hear . I have just kept wishing of late that I knew more of the song , or even what those lyrics were saying . I work in a cubicle farm . What I do there is not important . I don 't mean I don 't want to tell you ; I mean it just isn 't important . At all . If I were to come in to work and all my co - workers had been brutally murdered , I doubt anyone would notice . We spend a majority of our day filling out pointless reports . Remember the movie Office Space ? That 's my life , in a nutshell . The worst part is , it takes up most of my life , is pure drudgery the entire time , and leaves me too exhausted to do much else when I get home . Doing boring , repetitive work is probably the most tiring kind of job one can do . Even a rigorous physical job still leaves one feeling like they 've accomplished something . My job is a soul - sucking nightmare . But , regardless , sometimes someone turns a radio on to break the monotony . It rarely works , but this one time , I swear I heard that song again . I was sitting at my desk , realizing how much overtime I was going to have to put in so I could actually finish all my reports for that day , when I heard that song again . But this time the words sounded different to my ears . I had a date that weekend . I don 't date much anymore . In fact , my social life in general kinda sucks . But this girl was cute , even if she was abominably stupid . I kept listening to her natter away at me all evening , pretending to be interested , but only because this girl was sending me signals that if I paid enough attention to her , she might pay special attention to me at the end of the night , if you catch my drift . Some of you might be judging me for that , but you just don 't get it . I get little to no excitement in my life . I have few friends and almost no time for romance . I gotta take what I can get . Most nights , if I want any action , I get it with RedTube and my only steady girlfriend , Palm - ela Hand - erson . Unless I was missing my signals , this girl was probably as hard - up as I was , and just as casual about who she used for service . But about half - way through the date , that song came on over the PA system . It was quiet . Almost too quiet . But I heard it , and I thought the lyrics sounded different yet again . I ignored the song , figuring my own subconscious was playing a trick on me . But it wasn 't . The song was completely right . At the end of the date she didn 't even want a ride home , and didn 't even kiss me . That was a wasted $ 70 . And what the hell was that song ? I wondered more about that on the way home than anything else . Two weeks ago my boss , Albert , took special care to come by my desk and make an example of me . Turns out form I submitted had some incorrect information on it . I doubt it was really the end of the world , but that 's the kind of thing Albert is there for , to catch me in an error and humiliate me . He seems to be the only one there who loves his job . There are certain types of bosses in the world , and the one I hate the worst is the one that 's invisible unless you screw up . In fact , I once had a problem that I wanted to send up the ladder because I felt like it was beyond my pay grade . I couldn 't find Albert anywhere . He was never at his desk , never wandering around my area . Always I was told he was " in a meeting " or " on a break " . That same day , I was so preoccupied by the one problem that I ended up misplacing a decimal on a report I was working on . I heard from Albert in less than fifteen minutes . I later counted how long it was until the next time I saw him . It was nearly three days , and exactly twelve minutes after making another " mistake " , this one on purpose just to see how quickly I could bring him out of hiding . The explosion I got from Albert two weeks ago wasn 't even my fault . It was his . The information that was " wrong " was information he had added , thinking he was correcting me , then sent on . Turns out that I had put the right information on the form . So he screamed at me for twenty minutes , making sure everyone knew how badly I had " screwed up " . Covering his ass . I 'm not sure where I heard it . There wasn 't a radio in the parkade , nor was there any sort of PA system . Maybe it just ran through my head , but I heard that damned song again . And yes , again the words were different . And I stood there by his car , hearing that song in my head , and I had an evil thought . Why not burn it down ? The bastard didn 't deserve a car this nice . I did more work than he did , got paid less and drove an old beater . I paused by his car for a moment , and then walked over and opened the gas tank . I took a long drag off my smoke , and dropped it in . I hurriedly replaced the cap and jogged for the door . In movies , cars that have their gas tanks hit with a bullet or lit on fire explode immediately . In real life , it takes a bit more time . I heard the tank itself ignite , but the fire was contained within the vehicle for nearly six minutes after I hit the stairs . I heard the detonation from there . My heart was hammering . I couldn 't believe what I 'd done . I went into self - preservation mode , high - tailing it up the stairs and hiding in a janitor 's closet . I waited there for twenty minutes and then walked back in calmly , pretending I had gone up the block for lunch . I sat at my cubicle and ignored everyone for the rest of the day . I tried not to hear Albert as he burst into the office in a panic . I ignored my own pounding pulse . As the fire department cleared the building , I walked calmly along , facing the ground . They had the fire contained within a half hour , and I moseyed back in , just as calmly . I had never done anything like this in my life , but I couldn 't ruin it by giving myself away . I sat back down , quietly , trying not to sweat , trying to keep my breath even , until the end of day . Then I went down , along with everyone else , to the parkade . The fire from Albert 's car had damanged three other vehicles . Two were undrivable . Mine wasn 't one of them . I was able to retrieve it and I drove out of the parkade in complete silence , staring blankly ahead . About three blocks later , I got the giggles . They started small , but eventually , I was laughing like a junkie pumped full of sugar . I had always been a law - abiding citizen , and I lived a life of misery . But now , I had committed a full - on criminal act and damn it , but it felt good ! And Albert , well , how deserving was he , the bastard ! We had , indeed , whoever " we " were . It was a wonderful feeling . A feeling of freedom ! I felt on top of the world , like I could do anything . " I know it was you , " he sputtered . He could barely contain his fury in that flabby little five - foot - six frame . His bald head was glistening with anger - sweat . " You were . No one saw you leave . No one saw you come back . I asked around . There 's only one place you could have been . The parkade . Everybody else was accounted for . Everybody but you . " Maybe it was the elevator playing it , or maybe it was my own imagination . But I heard the song again . With the lyrics changed . Again . I suppose it might have been saying " take him down " , for that matter . It was so faint . I never have heard it clearly . But I knew the song was right . Albert had to go down . And I was the man to do it . I didn 't ever own up to torching his car , but I stopped denying it . I knew he couldn 't prove it , so instead of denials I began taunting him . Gently , but enough to show him how aware I was of just how little he could do to me . I even began ignoring his constant finding of " mistakes " I had made , which weren 't even mine . And then four days ago , I met him in the elevator again . He had taken to turning his back to me , spurning me . That was his mistake . I lifted the straight - razor I had brought from home and sliced his carotid . Blood was just everywhere . I mean , everywhere . The door opened on the parkade , and I just about fell on my ass from all the slickness . I dragged Albert to my car and put him in the trunk . The entire time , from somewhere , came that same song , the lyrics changed yet again . I did bury him . In a shallow grave twenty feet from the highway in a field . I don 't know if they found his body , but I know one thing . I forgot that the cameras in the elevator worked just fine . I still don 't know what song that is , though . I think about it sometimes . Wonder if I ever really have heard it right . Wonder , in fact , if I 've ever actually heard it at all . I don 't know the answer to that , and I 'm not so sure it matters anymore . But it does play inside my cell , sometimes . A familiar version of the words , playing softly , usually when I 'm trying to sleep . Almost sounds like it 's gloating . |
Don 't feel bad for me or anything . I 've made my peace with that years ago . Life with them was never great , but I do miss them . It 's just that if they taught me one thing it 's to not sit around wallowing in self - pity . Anyone have that one family member that 's just a little strange , a little cut off from the rest of the family ? Aunt Louise was ours . She was also our closest living relative . Dad 's family lived on the other side of the continent . Mom 's parents were both dead and she was an only child . Aunt Louise , her mother 's sister , actually , so my great - aunt , lived just an hour from where we did . But she accepted . I 'm not sure how willingly , or graciously , because I wasn 't privy to the phone conversation where she agreed to take me . I was surprised , though , at how nice she was to me the first three days I was there . I want to make something clear ; while Aunt Louise was cranky , odd , eccentric , uncouth , and several other less - than - flattering adjectives , she wasn 't a complete bitch . She had a rather abrupt , even abrasive , way of speaking , but she wasn 't cruel . I had never taken the time to really get to know her during my initial fourteen years , but I could tell that she mostly kept to herself and didn 't particularly like people , so naturally I assumed that she was a reclusive , curmudgeonly bitch . Really , what surprised me most when I first moved in , it was how normal everything seemed . At least at first . Aunt Louise cooked , cleaned , watched TV , talked to neighbors on the phone , etc . just like anyone else would , and she told me right away that she had little in the way of expectations from me , or at least , none that my parents wouldn 't have ; don 't stay out too late , let her know if you 're going to be late coming home , finish your homework before you watch TV , clean up after yourself , etc . There was one rule , however , that was strange . And it stood out from the other rules in how strange it was . At first I tried not to worry about it ; old people sometimes have peculiarities . I initially thought that was all this was . I was wrong . She insisted that any time I entered or left a room , I was to shut the door behind me right away . It didn 't matter if I was only going to be in that room for a few seconds . If I entered a room , I was expected to immediately shut the door , and the same was true if I left it . I often forgot this rule in my first week or so there . She never failed to remind me of it . " Shut that damned door ! " she would yell , any time I forgot . It never seemed to matter where she was in the house , she could always tell when I had not shut a door just after opening it . Her house was old , and my understanding is that she was not its first owner . She had lived in it since Mom was a girl . I had no idea how old it was . It could easily have been over a hundred , judging by its design and layout . It had two floors , a basement and a sub - basement . That last floor threw me for a bit of a loop when I discovered it existed . I was washing a load of my clothes when I noticed a door , closed , naturally , in the far wall of the utility room . The basement was unfinished , with mostly dirt flooring and bits and bobs stacked or piled or shelved everywhere . The only room you could really walk through without fear of stepping on something or knocking over a stack or pile was this laundry room , which was also the only tiled floor down there The door I found in the basement had a board laid across it , easily moveable . It was as if Aunt Louise wanted a border there but not one that she couldn 't get past , if need be . My curiosity overtook me the second time I saw it , and I slid the board away from the door and tried it . It was locked . " The door in the basement ? " she answered . " That 's the sub - basement . Not much down there . I mainly keep my preserves down there . It 's cool enough for them to keep . " " Right , " I answered . This didn 't really explain why she kept it locked . " So if I ever wanted to take a look around down there . . . " I noticed with that response that her face had changed . Aunt Louise mostly wore the same expression ; a scowl like someone had just tracked mud onto her freshly - shampooed carpet . Again , she wasn 't as nasty as her expression indicated , but it was the expression she was most used to making , apparently . I 've always been a curious type , you see . I 've never been able to stay away from something that aroused my curiosity , even if my good sense told me better . I wanted nothing more after that than to see what was in that sub - basement . But how was I to get around the lock ? That was going to be an issue . Aunt Louise kept all her keys on a single ring . There weren 't that many of them , but I figured if the door to that sub - basement was anywhere , it was there . This turned out not to be so simple . For one thing , it was not possible to get around the house without being heard . I couldn 't sneak from my bedroom to hers in order to sneak the keys without opening and closing all doors in between us ; mine , the door in the far part of the hallway , and hers . Believe me , even if I simply left all doors open , she somehow knew . I once had to go to the bathroom in the night , and I forgot to close the hallway door . I had just made it to the bathroom when I heard her yell , even while asleep , " Shut that damned door ! " I hurriedly turned back and went to close the hallway door , forgetting to close the bathroom door , and I heard it again : " Shut that damned door ! " So I forgot about the sub - basement door for a while . I placed my curiosity on the back burner and just tried to get along with the taciturn old woman for a while . Life got a bit easier . As long as I remembered to keep all doors shut at all times , the two of us got along famously . She didn 't get in my face about things , and I didn 't get in hers . It was a pretty silent house , but one that I got used to living in . I didn 't even think it strange anymore that every part of the house that one accessed through a door always had its door shut . It would have struck me as more odd if any doorway was ever left open . Which brings me to the day Aunt Louise fell asleep while watching The Price is Right . It was a summer day , and pretty hot . Louise was slightly less worried about windows being open than doors , but she still tended to only open one at a time , and today she had just one open , one that wasn 't doing much at all to cool down a boxed - in house that had zero room for airflow thanks to Aunt Louise 's chief eccentricity . So , naturally , she fell asleep . And I saw my chance . Her purse was at her feet . I was sitting in the chair directly beside hers , reading an Avengers comic book and trying to ignore the repeated calls of " Come oooooooon doooooown ! " from the TV . I looked over at her , and saw that she was in a deep doze . Her hearing wasn 't the greatest even when she was awake , though she was far from deaf , but I figured in her snooze , there would be little chance she would hear the tiny noise of me rifling through her purse . I found her keys almost immediately and headed for the stairwell . If she woke up when I opened the door , I would just claim I was doing a load of laundry . But she was unlikely to wake up unless I forgot to close the door , which by now I never did . Quietly , I crept for the laundry room , opened the door and closed it just as quick , slipping inside . I felt for the chain - pull for the light and pulled it . Low , eery light flickered through the room . I had never thought of the lighting in here as eery before , but I did now . There was something about this entire endeavor that felt wrong . But my curiosity overrode my sense of caution . I crept toward the door and slid the board away from it . Aunt Louise had apparently put it back in place after the last time I had done this . The question of why she had done so played in my brain for a moment , but I ignored it and brought out the key ring . I found the right key on the third try , and heard a loud chuck of the lock sliding away . I froze , heart beating in my chest , waiting to hear a cry from upstairs . Nothing . The door opened silently as a ghost . There wasn 't any light to illuminate the staircase beyond . I didn 't even see a chain - pull for a light on the stairs . My brain was screaming at the rest of my body to turn around and forget this little adventure , but I paid it no heed and crept down the stairs , feeling along the wall for guidance . It turned out there was a tiny amount of light , coming through vents in the ceiling . It wasn 't much , but I could see that there was a pull - string light , just a few feet from the foot of the stairs . Stupid place to put it ; it should be right at the landing . But I walked down what appeared to be a fairly compact hallway and pulled the string . If possible , the light that flickered on was lower than the light from the laundry room . I could barely tell I 'd turned it on . I looked around and saw that , indeed , Aunt Louise did have rows of preserves down here . I was somewhat disappointed at the mundane answer to the mystery . For a moment , it seemed that the secret sub - basement was exactly what it was supposed to be . Except . . . I could feel a puff of a warmish breeze that should not be possible down in the hard - packed earthen walls and cooler , subterranean air . The sense of wrongness was still there , and still strong , and I realized that the long row of shelves holding jars ended in a doorway at the end . A doorway that didn 't have a door . I crept forward , arms in front of me , stepping carefully . The room beyond the door was dark and smelled musty . I couldn 't feel a source of the slightly warm air that was brushing against my skin . But I was noticing that the closer I got to that room , the warmer the air became . By the time I was at the mouth of the tunnel ( somehow I had started thinking of this place as a tunnel by this time ) , the air wasn 't just warm , it was humid . Fetid . The smell went from musty to moldy , to something even worse . I was assailed by that sense of wrongness stronger than ever . I had to get out of here . Why was I walking even closer ? There wasn 't much light , but I could see the outline of another door on the other side of the room . It was ajar . Seeing a door ajar in Aunt Louise 's house was like seeing a shattered window in anyone else 's . It was wrong . It was not meant to be . But then . . . I wasn 't precisely in Aunt Louise 's house anymore , was I ? This tunnel was not built for this house . I knew that in my soul . It was here before . Long before . This was a place that had only become attached to Aunt Louise 's house by short - sighted builders , unaware of what they had unearthed . What they should have left buried . It took me a moment to realize that the room beyond , the very room I was about to step into , was moving . The light was too dim to really see what was happening , but there was motion beyond it . Unceasing , slow , lazy motion . All along the walls , the floor . I could hear a slight squelching noise from its every corner . Things were crawling , expanding their pulpous flesh . And looking at me . Daring me to cross that floor and shut the door on the far side , forever closing out what might be coming through it . I heard sucking sounds . Some formless , gelatinous presence stretched and flexed in the darkness . In that moment , a sense of understanding came to me . I was not the first person to stand at this door . This door that could not be closed . Not the first person to see that other door , the one that was not meant to be , standing open on the other side , and knowing that it always would , until someone worked up the courage to cross the threshold and close it . I didn 't have the courage , either . I turned and fled , and never looked back . When I was sixteen I moved out of Aunt Louise 's and into a Halfway House . Once I was eighteen I got a job upstate , and moved there . I never went back to Aunt Louise 's and never called her , tried hard to not even think about her . But I haven 't been successful . I still think back to the day I stood at that doorway , about the squelching , wriggling things that waited in the dark . And I wonder if Aunt Louise ever found the strength to cross the room and shut that damned door . The " black metal " genre , a dark offshoot of mainstream metal , has been sneeringly referred to as hipsterism for metalheads . This is because , if you 've heard of them , then they probably aren 't a black metal band . These are the guys that make Marilyn Manson or Alice Cooper look like posers . The black metal scene has little to do with entertainment . The bands , fans , groupies , club managers , etc . , all consider themselves part of something greater ; a subculture that is about authenticity and not at all about spectacle . Many bands don 't play live at all , though Desicræd did . Others refuse to appear in public unless it 's to perform , and they treat their concerts like rituals . They pile their stages full with charming set pieces like severed animal heads , inverted crosses , pentagrams and other demonic symbols . Vanger , born in Askersund , Sweden in 1959 , migrated to the US with his parents in 1972 . After a bitter falling out with his family , he founded Skitpågud , his first band , in 1985 . Skitpågud stayed together for just over a year before dissolving , and at that point Vanger , who began calling himself Necrothrål , and his bass player H ' arr Bŷngr ( real name Kyle Cormier ) , became the founding members of Desicræd , along with drummer Kurtis " Baphomeat " Stocker and backup guitarist Lynsey " Sacrifeast " Cohen . Desicræd exploded in the mid - eighties at the SkriptürPhage Festival , where they were a regular performer . Their concerts were more like bloody orgies , wherein Necrothrål would appear to bleed black blood , animal guts and semen were thrown on audiences , and occasionally there were actual murders that took place . The band members were in and out of prison numerous times . Necrothrål would repeatedly dare God to stop his " ritual " , and would claim that " God is a liar and Satan is a pussy . " The main idea behind Desicræd was that a lying god enslaved a weak , pathetic Satan , and that the only true gospel was that of Desicræd . Necrothrål claimed to be the true ruler of Hell , and that he and his band were weakening the barriers between this " false " reality we lived in , created by the liar god , and the " true " reality of the Hell that Necrothrål ruled . They were hardly the first , or only , band in their market who made satanic or demonic claims , but they probably were the most brazen . Several bands approached the subject differently ; many denied that such concepts as " God " or " The Devil " even existed , and therefore good and evil were mere fallacies . Others denied God as ruler and called Satan their master . Desicræd 's position as Hell 's true ruler , and their idea that they were literally attempting to bring about Hell on Earth , was relatively a new approach when they first entered the scene , and later bands that took that approach seemed to mix their approaches . Now , understand that in the world of black metal , becoming an " unperson " isn 't all that hard . For one thing , it 's not uncommon for some bands to simply never release their real names or identities to the public . That way , if they chose to stop performing , or if they die , no one knows where they went because no one knew who they were outside of their metal personae . They later acknowledged that there was a planned " fourth phase " , but that Necrothrål had disappeared right as it was about to begin . This made him somewhat of an anomaly . For a band to acknowledge that their founder really was missing , and not just dead or retired , was far from the norm . For a while , people still treated it like normal , expecting that at some point Vanger would reappear , and claim to have seen and conquered Hell . When he didn 't appear on the anniversary of the band 's forming , and didn 't appear when the " fourth phase " had been meant to end , Lickz Magazine decided to send me on a journey to find him . I objected at first , as I have never covered the black metal beat before , but after learning how long he 'd been missing , and that he had been officially classified as a " missing person " , well , I could not resist . I love a mystery , you see . Legion is a 67 - year - old Norwegian who speaks English quite well , with a light accent . His real name is Gunnar , though he wouldn 't tell me his last name . His look is a more casual biker - from - hell ensemble , including tattoos of demonic symbols , evil faces and phrases , etc . , nearly everywhere ; up and down his arms , his chest , his face . He wears mostly black leather , his hair is long and ragged and he 's pierced through the ears , nose , lips , tongue and God knows where else . Unlike Vanger , Legion acknowledges that most of what happens at his shows is purely to excite the crowd and get them to buy albums . " I used to be a believer , " he tells me . " But I been in this industry a long time . I seen nothing to tell me there 's a Hell below , a Heaven above . And I decided long time ago that I don 't care . This scene , it becomes your life , you know ? I know nothing else . I live and die metal , ya ? " He didn 't have any clue what had become of Vanger . " He always a bragger , you know ? He was angry , angry at the world , angry with anything beyond it . He decide a long time ago that no one was fit to rule him . He would be the ruler , ya ? " " Glyph looked made up , ya ? He said it was for ritual , that the phases were the removal of reality . I dunno . Never saw one like that . " Never would I have dreamed that I would get an actual response . Few in the black metal scene likely even read the article and outside the scene , few people would have cared about Joren Vanger . But three days ago I received an email from a blocked address telling me that if I truly wanted answers , I should come to a local bar where I was to meet at a specific booth . In order to not draw undue attention to this place , I will refrain from naming the establishment . At first I believed the email to be spam , but I read it again , and realized that if it was spam , it was a terrible example of the form . I wasn 't being asked to send any of my personal information back to them , wasn 't even being asked to reply at all . Just show up if I wanted answers . One of them was easily seven feet tall and dressed like a biker , in leather and chains with big rings on his fingers and patches on his jacket . I couldn 't get a look at his face , for some reason . The skin tone on his hands seemed all over the place , a mix of every skin tone known to man , all in one color that was all colors , and no , I don 't mean it was white . I mean it literally looked like one color and all colors at the same time . I don 't know how else to describe it . The second man was smaller and easier for me to get a look at . He wore a natty little pinstriped suit with a bow tie . His hair was golden blonde and his eyes were of a deep , pure blue . There couldn 't have been more of a difference between he and the big one , yet here they sat , together . I had the sense upon seeing these men that I should turn around and leave , and pretend I never saw them . Somehow I could just tell that meeting them wasn 't supposed to happen . But as I was turning , the larger man called out to me . " Steven Faraday ? " he boomed . His voice sounded deep , like Ving Rhames , only louder and carrying further . " Come , sit . Have a drink with us . We 're buying . " Slowly , hesitantly , I sat . Even sitting at the booth it was hard to get a look at the big guy 's face . It was almost more like I couldn 't look directly at it , like any attempt to get a closer look ended with me perusing the wall beside him instead . " Well , " I said . I still wasn 't sure I should even be here . " More of a professional curiosity , really . I didn 't know the man , or anything . " " We do , " said the little guy . " And believe me , we don 't usually divulge information like this . But good old Necrothrål was a special case . " He spoke the name as if it amused him . " Few people actively seek to bring the realm of the damned to this realm , " said the big guy . " Joren Vanger did , and he got closer than even he ever realized he could . He understood that knowledge of that forbidden act would not be found on this realm , so he sought it in other realms . " " That glyph , " said the little guy . " I 'm still trying to find out how he got his hands on it , but he never should have had it . We 'll just say that much . " " When you issue challenges to the Supreme Being , " said the big guy . " Most of the time you 're just beating your fists against a brick wall . How could any mortal truly challenge the Divine ? Most of these challenges are not issued with any sincerity , whatever the challenger may say , but when they are , it can be rather amusing to see what happens when the challenge gets answered . " " Wait , wait , " I said . " Slow down . You 're saying he managed to find the gateway to Hell ? " I shook my head . These guys were clearly having one over on me . " No , no , not at all , " the little guy continued . " There 's no gate . Not in the literal sense , at any rate . But Vanger was like the rest of you , and figured there had to be . And he thought he 'd found the key . " " But it was more like a one - way ticket , " said the big guy , with a soft chuckle . " The thing is , people don 't get what they deserve . They get what they long for . That 's another misconception about the afterlife . You don 't go to Heaven for being good , and you don 't get sent to Hell for being bad . You are sent to Heaven if you truly desire to go there , and the same is true of Hell . " " He wanted to rule it , " said the little guy . " But he didn 't understand , that 's never part of the bargain . If you actually go to Hell , you 're automatically a prisoner there . No one there gets to rule . " He shot a dirty look at the big guy . I 've listened to a few Desicræd songs since meeting these two men , and I think my estimation of Vanger 's lead vocals was off . They don 't sound like demons screaming anymore . They sound like the agonized howls of a man being tortured beyond the imagination of even the sickest soul . Posted by Every now and then , I get a snatch of a song running through my head . When that happens , it can drive me nuts , and it 's a devil of a time trying to get another song in there to replace it . It 's gotta be another song , though . I can 't ever just have a head full of peace and quiet . Sometimes the song I try to listen to and replace the persistent one will instead mix with it , creating this weird cacophonic mash - up in my skull that makes me want to stab somebody . In the last several weeks , there 's one song that 's been pretty persistent , and the craziest part is that I have no idea who the artist is , what the song 's name is , or even the words . All I can remember of it is a single refrain that repeats the same line three times . The first time is clearly the main melody , the second is a counterpoint , and the third is the continuation of the main melody . It 's a strangely pleasant song , sounding like something Del Amitri would come up with , but I 've listened to their entire repertoire , and nothing matches . On that last line , the singer soars up into falsetto . He has a light tenor voice as it is . Like I said , not at all unpleasant to hear . I have just kept wishing of late that I knew more of the song , or even what those lyrics were saying . I work in a cubicle farm . What I do there is not important . I don 't mean I don 't want to tell you ; I mean it just isn 't important . At all . If I were to come in to work and all my co - workers had been brutally murdered , I doubt anyone would notice . We spend a majority of our day filling out pointless reports . Remember the movie Office Space ? That 's my life , in a nutshell . The worst part is , it takes up most of my life , is pure drudgery the entire time , and leaves me too exhausted to do much else when I get home . Doing boring , repetitive work is probably the most tiring kind of job one can do . Even a rigorous physical job still leaves one feeling like they 've accomplished something . My job is a soul - sucking nightmare . But , regardless , sometimes someone turns a radio on to break the monotony . It rarely works , but this one time , I swear I heard that song again . I was sitting at my desk , realizing how much overtime I was going to have to put in so I could actually finish all my reports for that day , when I heard that song again . But this time the words sounded different to my ears . I had a date that weekend . I don 't date much anymore . In fact , my social life in general kinda sucks . But this girl was cute , even if she was abominably stupid . I kept listening to her natter away at me all evening , pretending to be interested , but only because this girl was sending me signals that if I paid enough attention to her , she might pay special attention to me at the end of the night , if you catch my drift . Some of you might be judging me for that , but you just don 't get it . I get little to no excitement in my life . I have few friends and almost no time for romance . I gotta take what I can get . Most nights , if I want any action , I get it with RedTube and my only steady girlfriend , Palm - ela Hand - erson . Unless I was missing my signals , this girl was probably as hard - up as I was , and just as casual about who she used for service . But about half - way through the date , that song came on over the PA system . It was quiet . Almost too quiet . But I heard it , and I thought the lyrics sounded different yet again . I ignored the song , figuring my own subconscious was playing a trick on me . But it wasn 't . The song was completely right . At the end of the date she didn 't even want a ride home , and didn 't even kiss me . That was a wasted $ 70 . And what the hell was that song ? I wondered more about that on the way home than anything else . Two weeks ago my boss , Albert , took special care to come by my desk and make an example of me . Turns out form I submitted had some incorrect information on it . I doubt it was really the end of the world , but that 's the kind of thing Albert is there for , to catch me in an error and humiliate me . He seems to be the only one there who loves his job . There are certain types of bosses in the world , and the one I hate the worst is the one that 's invisible unless you screw up . In fact , I once had a problem that I wanted to send up the ladder because I felt like it was beyond my pay grade . I couldn 't find Albert anywhere . He was never at his desk , never wandering around my area . Always I was told he was " in a meeting " or " on a break " . That same day , I was so preoccupied by the one problem that I ended up misplacing a decimal on a report I was working on . I heard from Albert in less than fifteen minutes . I later counted how long it was until the next time I saw him . It was nearly three days , and exactly twelve minutes after making another " mistake " , this one on purpose just to see how quickly I could bring him out of hiding . The explosion I got from Albert two weeks ago wasn 't even my fault . It was his . The information that was " wrong " was information he had added , thinking he was correcting me , then sent on . Turns out that I had put the right information on the form . So he screamed at me for twenty minutes , making sure everyone knew how badly I had " screwed up " . Covering his ass . I 'm not sure where I heard it . There wasn 't a radio in the parkade , nor was there any sort of PA system . Maybe it just ran through my head , but I heard that damned song again . And yes , again the words were different . And I stood there by his car , hearing that song in my head , and I had an evil thought . Why not burn it down ? The bastard didn 't deserve a car this nice . I did more work than he did , got paid less and drove an old beater . I paused by his car for a moment , and then walked over and opened the gas tank . I took a long drag off my smoke , and dropped it in . I hurriedly replaced the cap and jogged for the door . In movies , cars that have their gas tanks hit with a bullet or lit on fire explode immediately . In real life , it takes a bit more time . I heard the tank itself ignite , but the fire was contained within the vehicle for nearly six minutes after I hit the stairs . I heard the detonation from there . My heart was hammering . I couldn 't believe what I 'd done . I went into self - preservation mode , high - tailing it up the stairs and hiding in a janitor 's closet . I waited there for twenty minutes and then walked back in calmly , pretending I had gone up the block for lunch . I sat at my cubicle and ignored everyone for the rest of the day . I tried not to hear Albert as he burst into the office in a panic . I ignored my own pounding pulse . As the fire department cleared the building , I walked calmly along , facing the ground . They had the fire contained within a half hour , and I moseyed back in , just as calmly . I had never done anything like this in my life , but I couldn 't ruin it by giving myself away . I sat back down , quietly , trying not to sweat , trying to keep my breath even , until the end of day . Then I went down , along with everyone else , to the parkade . The fire from Albert 's car had damanged three other vehicles . Two were undrivable . Mine wasn 't one of them . I was able to retrieve it and I drove out of the parkade in complete silence , staring blankly ahead . About three blocks later , I got the giggles . They started small , but eventually , I was laughing like a junkie pumped full of sugar . I had always been a law - abiding citizen , and I lived a life of misery . But now , I had committed a full - on criminal act and damn it , but it felt good ! And Albert , well , how deserving was he , the bastard ! We had , indeed , whoever " we " were . It was a wonderful feeling . A feeling of freedom ! I felt on top of the world , like I could do anything . " I know it was you , " he sputtered . He could barely contain his fury in that flabby little five - foot - six frame . His bald head was glistening with anger - sweat . " You were . No one saw you leave . No one saw you come back . I asked around . There 's only one place you could have been . The parkade . Everybody else was accounted for . Everybody but you . " Maybe it was the elevator playing it , or maybe it was my own imagination . But I heard the song again . With the lyrics changed . Again . I suppose it might have been saying " take him down " , for that matter . It was so faint . I never have heard it clearly . But I knew the song was right . Albert had to go down . And I was the man to do it . I didn 't ever own up to torching his car , but I stopped denying it . I knew he couldn 't prove it , so instead of denials I began taunting him . Gently , but enough to show him how aware I was of just how little he could do to me . I even began ignoring his constant finding of " mistakes " I had made , which weren 't even mine . And then four days ago , I met him in the elevator again . He had taken to turning his back to me , spurning me . That was his mistake . I lifted the straight - razor I had brought from home and sliced his carotid . Blood was just everywhere . I mean , everywhere . The door opened on the parkade , and I just about fell on my ass from all the slickness . I dragged Albert to my car and put him in the trunk . The entire time , from somewhere , came that same song , the lyrics changed yet again . I did bury him . In a shallow grave twenty feet from the highway in a field . I don 't know if they found his body , but I know one thing . I forgot that the cameras in the elevator worked just fine . I still don 't know what song that is , though . I think about it sometimes . Wonder if I ever really have heard it right . Wonder , in fact , if I 've ever actually heard it at all . I don 't know the answer to that , and I 'm not so sure it matters anymore . But it does play inside my cell , sometimes . A familiar version of the words , playing softly , usually when I 'm trying to sleep . Almost sounds like it 's gloating . |
Don 't feel bad for me or anything . I 've made my peace with that years ago . Life with them was never great , but I do miss them . It 's just that if they taught me one thing it 's to not sit around wallowing in self - pity . Anyone have that one family member that 's just a little strange , a little cut off from the rest of the family ? Aunt Louise was ours . She was also our closest living relative . Dad 's family lived on the other side of the continent . Mom 's parents were both dead and she was an only child . Aunt Louise , her mother 's sister , actually , so my great - aunt , lived just an hour from where we did . But she accepted . I 'm not sure how willingly , or graciously , because I wasn 't privy to the phone conversation where she agreed to take me . I was surprised , though , at how nice she was to me the first three days I was there . I want to make something clear ; while Aunt Louise was cranky , odd , eccentric , uncouth , and several other less - than - flattering adjectives , she wasn 't a complete bitch . She had a rather abrupt , even abrasive , way of speaking , but she wasn 't cruel . I had never taken the time to really get to know her during my initial fourteen years , but I could tell that she mostly kept to herself and didn 't particularly like people , so naturally I assumed that she was a reclusive , curmudgeonly bitch . Really , what surprised me most when I first moved in , it was how normal everything seemed . At least at first . Aunt Louise cooked , cleaned , watched TV , talked to neighbors on the phone , etc . just like anyone else would , and she told me right away that she had little in the way of expectations from me , or at least , none that my parents wouldn 't have ; don 't stay out too late , let her know if you 're going to be late coming home , finish your homework before you watch TV , clean up after yourself , etc . There was one rule , however , that was strange . And it stood out from the other rules in how strange it was . At first I tried not to worry about it ; old people sometimes have peculiarities . I initially thought that was all this was . I was wrong . She insisted that any time I entered or left a room , I was to shut the door behind me right away . It didn 't matter if I was only going to be in that room for a few seconds . If I entered a room , I was expected to immediately shut the door , and the same was true if I left it . I often forgot this rule in my first week or so there . She never failed to remind me of it . " Shut that damned door ! " she would yell , any time I forgot . It never seemed to matter where she was in the house , she could always tell when I had not shut a door just after opening it . Her house was old , and my understanding is that she was not its first owner . She had lived in it since Mom was a girl . I had no idea how old it was . It could easily have been over a hundred , judging by its design and layout . It had two floors , a basement and a sub - basement . That last floor threw me for a bit of a loop when I discovered it existed . I was washing a load of my clothes when I noticed a door , closed , naturally , in the far wall of the utility room . The basement was unfinished , with mostly dirt flooring and bits and bobs stacked or piled or shelved everywhere . The only room you could really walk through without fear of stepping on something or knocking over a stack or pile was this laundry room , which was also the only tiled floor down there The door I found in the basement had a board laid across it , easily moveable . It was as if Aunt Louise wanted a border there but not one that she couldn 't get past , if need be . My curiosity overtook me the second time I saw it , and I slid the board away from the door and tried it . It was locked . " The door in the basement ? " she answered . " That 's the sub - basement . Not much down there . I mainly keep my preserves down there . It 's cool enough for them to keep . " " Right , " I answered . This didn 't really explain why she kept it locked . " So if I ever wanted to take a look around down there . . . " I noticed with that response that her face had changed . Aunt Louise mostly wore the same expression ; a scowl like someone had just tracked mud onto her freshly - shampooed carpet . Again , she wasn 't as nasty as her expression indicated , but it was the expression she was most used to making , apparently . I 've always been a curious type , you see . I 've never been able to stay away from something that aroused my curiosity , even if my good sense told me better . I wanted nothing more after that than to see what was in that sub - basement . But how was I to get around the lock ? That was going to be an issue . Aunt Louise kept all her keys on a single ring . There weren 't that many of them , but I figured if the door to that sub - basement was anywhere , it was there . This turned out not to be so simple . For one thing , it was not possible to get around the house without being heard . I couldn 't sneak from my bedroom to hers in order to sneak the keys without opening and closing all doors in between us ; mine , the door in the far part of the hallway , and hers . Believe me , even if I simply left all doors open , she somehow knew . I once had to go to the bathroom in the night , and I forgot to close the hallway door . I had just made it to the bathroom when I heard her yell , even while asleep , " Shut that damned door ! " I hurriedly turned back and went to close the hallway door , forgetting to close the bathroom door , and I heard it again : " Shut that damned door ! " So I forgot about the sub - basement door for a while . I placed my curiosity on the back burner and just tried to get along with the taciturn old woman for a while . Life got a bit easier . As long as I remembered to keep all doors shut at all times , the two of us got along famously . She didn 't get in my face about things , and I didn 't get in hers . It was a pretty silent house , but one that I got used to living in . I didn 't even think it strange anymore that every part of the house that one accessed through a door always had its door shut . It would have struck me as more odd if any doorway was ever left open . Which brings me to the day Aunt Louise fell asleep while watching The Price is Right . It was a summer day , and pretty hot . Louise was slightly less worried about windows being open than doors , but she still tended to only open one at a time , and today she had just one open , one that wasn 't doing much at all to cool down a boxed - in house that had zero room for airflow thanks to Aunt Louise 's chief eccentricity . So , naturally , she fell asleep . And I saw my chance . Her purse was at her feet . I was sitting in the chair directly beside hers , reading an Avengers comic book and trying to ignore the repeated calls of " Come oooooooon doooooown ! " from the TV . I looked over at her , and saw that she was in a deep doze . Her hearing wasn 't the greatest even when she was awake , though she was far from deaf , but I figured in her snooze , there would be little chance she would hear the tiny noise of me rifling through her purse . I found her keys almost immediately and headed for the stairwell . If she woke up when I opened the door , I would just claim I was doing a load of laundry . But she was unlikely to wake up unless I forgot to close the door , which by now I never did . Quietly , I crept for the laundry room , opened the door and closed it just as quick , slipping inside . I felt for the chain - pull for the light and pulled it . Low , eery light flickered through the room . I had never thought of the lighting in here as eery before , but I did now . There was something about this entire endeavor that felt wrong . But my curiosity overrode my sense of caution . I crept toward the door and slid the board away from it . Aunt Louise had apparently put it back in place after the last time I had done this . The question of why she had done so played in my brain for a moment , but I ignored it and brought out the key ring . I found the right key on the third try , and heard a loud chuck of the lock sliding away . I froze , heart beating in my chest , waiting to hear a cry from upstairs . Nothing . The door opened silently as a ghost . There wasn 't any light to illuminate the staircase beyond . I didn 't even see a chain - pull for a light on the stairs . My brain was screaming at the rest of my body to turn around and forget this little adventure , but I paid it no heed and crept down the stairs , feeling along the wall for guidance . It turned out there was a tiny amount of light , coming through vents in the ceiling . It wasn 't much , but I could see that there was a pull - string light , just a few feet from the foot of the stairs . Stupid place to put it ; it should be right at the landing . But I walked down what appeared to be a fairly compact hallway and pulled the string . If possible , the light that flickered on was lower than the light from the laundry room . I could barely tell I 'd turned it on . I looked around and saw that , indeed , Aunt Louise did have rows of preserves down here . I was somewhat disappointed at the mundane answer to the mystery . For a moment , it seemed that the secret sub - basement was exactly what it was supposed to be . Except . . . I could feel a puff of a warmish breeze that should not be possible down in the hard - packed earthen walls and cooler , subterranean air . The sense of wrongness was still there , and still strong , and I realized that the long row of shelves holding jars ended in a doorway at the end . A doorway that didn 't have a door . I crept forward , arms in front of me , stepping carefully . The room beyond the door was dark and smelled musty . I couldn 't feel a source of the slightly warm air that was brushing against my skin . But I was noticing that the closer I got to that room , the warmer the air became . By the time I was at the mouth of the tunnel ( somehow I had started thinking of this place as a tunnel by this time ) , the air wasn 't just warm , it was humid . Fetid . The smell went from musty to moldy , to something even worse . I was assailed by that sense of wrongness stronger than ever . I had to get out of here . Why was I walking even closer ? There wasn 't much light , but I could see the outline of another door on the other side of the room . It was ajar . Seeing a door ajar in Aunt Louise 's house was like seeing a shattered window in anyone else 's . It was wrong . It was not meant to be . But then . . . I wasn 't precisely in Aunt Louise 's house anymore , was I ? This tunnel was not built for this house . I knew that in my soul . It was here before . Long before . This was a place that had only become attached to Aunt Louise 's house by short - sighted builders , unaware of what they had unearthed . What they should have left buried . It took me a moment to realize that the room beyond , the very room I was about to step into , was moving . The light was too dim to really see what was happening , but there was motion beyond it . Unceasing , slow , lazy motion . All along the walls , the floor . I could hear a slight squelching noise from its every corner . Things were crawling , expanding their pulpous flesh . And looking at me . Daring me to cross that floor and shut the door on the far side , forever closing out what might be coming through it . I heard sucking sounds . Some formless , gelatinous presence stretched and flexed in the darkness . In that moment , a sense of understanding came to me . I was not the first person to stand at this door . This door that could not be closed . Not the first person to see that other door , the one that was not meant to be , standing open on the other side , and knowing that it always would , until someone worked up the courage to cross the threshold and close it . I didn 't have the courage , either . I turned and fled , and never looked back . When I was sixteen I moved out of Aunt Louise 's and into a Halfway House . Once I was eighteen I got a job upstate , and moved there . I never went back to Aunt Louise 's and never called her , tried hard to not even think about her . But I haven 't been successful . I still think back to the day I stood at that doorway , about the squelching , wriggling things that waited in the dark . And I wonder if Aunt Louise ever found the strength to cross the room and shut that damned door . The " black metal " genre , a dark offshoot of mainstream metal , has been sneeringly referred to as hipsterism for metalheads . This is because , if you 've heard of them , then they probably aren 't a black metal band . These are the guys that make Marilyn Manson or Alice Cooper look like posers . The black metal scene has little to do with entertainment . The bands , fans , groupies , club managers , etc . , all consider themselves part of something greater ; a subculture that is about authenticity and not at all about spectacle . Many bands don 't play live at all , though Desicræd did . Others refuse to appear in public unless it 's to perform , and they treat their concerts like rituals . They pile their stages full with charming set pieces like severed animal heads , inverted crosses , pentagrams and other demonic symbols . Vanger , born in Askersund , Sweden in 1959 , migrated to the US with his parents in 1972 . After a bitter falling out with his family , he founded Skitpågud , his first band , in 1985 . Skitpågud stayed together for just over a year before dissolving , and at that point Vanger , who began calling himself Necrothrål , and his bass player H ' arr Bŷngr ( real name Kyle Cormier ) , became the founding members of Desicræd , along with drummer Kurtis " Baphomeat " Stocker and backup guitarist Lynsey " Sacrifeast " Cohen . Desicræd exploded in the mid - eighties at the SkriptürPhage Festival , where they were a regular performer . Their concerts were more like bloody orgies , wherein Necrothrål would appear to bleed black blood , animal guts and semen were thrown on audiences , and occasionally there were actual murders that took place . The band members were in and out of prison numerous times . Necrothrål would repeatedly dare God to stop his " ritual " , and would claim that " God is a liar and Satan is a pussy . " The main idea behind Desicræd was that a lying god enslaved a weak , pathetic Satan , and that the only true gospel was that of Desicræd . Necrothrål claimed to be the true ruler of Hell , and that he and his band were weakening the barriers between this " false " reality we lived in , created by the liar god , and the " true " reality of the Hell that Necrothrål ruled . They were hardly the first , or only , band in their market who made satanic or demonic claims , but they probably were the most brazen . Several bands approached the subject differently ; many denied that such concepts as " God " or " The Devil " even existed , and therefore good and evil were mere fallacies . Others denied God as ruler and called Satan their master . Desicræd 's position as Hell 's true ruler , and their idea that they were literally attempting to bring about Hell on Earth , was relatively a new approach when they first entered the scene , and later bands that took that approach seemed to mix their approaches . Now , understand that in the world of black metal , becoming an " unperson " isn 't all that hard . For one thing , it 's not uncommon for some bands to simply never release their real names or identities to the public . That way , if they chose to stop performing , or if they die , no one knows where they went because no one knew who they were outside of their metal personae . They later acknowledged that there was a planned " fourth phase " , but that Necrothrål had disappeared right as it was about to begin . This made him somewhat of an anomaly . For a band to acknowledge that their founder really was missing , and not just dead or retired , was far from the norm . For a while , people still treated it like normal , expecting that at some point Vanger would reappear , and claim to have seen and conquered Hell . When he didn 't appear on the anniversary of the band 's forming , and didn 't appear when the " fourth phase " had been meant to end , Lickz Magazine decided to send me on a journey to find him . I objected at first , as I have never covered the black metal beat before , but after learning how long he 'd been missing , and that he had been officially classified as a " missing person " , well , I could not resist . I love a mystery , you see . Legion is a 67 - year - old Norwegian who speaks English quite well , with a light accent . His real name is Gunnar , though he wouldn 't tell me his last name . His look is a more casual biker - from - hell ensemble , including tattoos of demonic symbols , evil faces and phrases , etc . , nearly everywhere ; up and down his arms , his chest , his face . He wears mostly black leather , his hair is long and ragged and he 's pierced through the ears , nose , lips , tongue and God knows where else . Unlike Vanger , Legion acknowledges that most of what happens at his shows is purely to excite the crowd and get them to buy albums . " I used to be a believer , " he tells me . " But I been in this industry a long time . I seen nothing to tell me there 's a Hell below , a Heaven above . And I decided long time ago that I don 't care . This scene , it becomes your life , you know ? I know nothing else . I live and die metal , ya ? " He didn 't have any clue what had become of Vanger . " He always a bragger , you know ? He was angry , angry at the world , angry with anything beyond it . He decide a long time ago that no one was fit to rule him . He would be the ruler , ya ? " " Glyph looked made up , ya ? He said it was for ritual , that the phases were the removal of reality . I dunno . Never saw one like that . " Never would I have dreamed that I would get an actual response . Few in the black metal scene likely even read the article and outside the scene , few people would have cared about Joren Vanger . But three days ago I received an email from a blocked address telling me that if I truly wanted answers , I should come to a local bar where I was to meet at a specific booth . In order to not draw undue attention to this place , I will refrain from naming the establishment . At first I believed the email to be spam , but I read it again , and realized that if it was spam , it was a terrible example of the form . I wasn 't being asked to send any of my personal information back to them , wasn 't even being asked to reply at all . Just show up if I wanted answers . One of them was easily seven feet tall and dressed like a biker , in leather and chains with big rings on his fingers and patches on his jacket . I couldn 't get a look at his face , for some reason . The skin tone on his hands seemed all over the place , a mix of every skin tone known to man , all in one color that was all colors , and no , I don 't mean it was white . I mean it literally looked like one color and all colors at the same time . I don 't know how else to describe it . The second man was smaller and easier for me to get a look at . He wore a natty little pinstriped suit with a bow tie . His hair was golden blonde and his eyes were of a deep , pure blue . There couldn 't have been more of a difference between he and the big one , yet here they sat , together . I had the sense upon seeing these men that I should turn around and leave , and pretend I never saw them . Somehow I could just tell that meeting them wasn 't supposed to happen . But as I was turning , the larger man called out to me . " Steven Faraday ? " he boomed . His voice sounded deep , like Ving Rhames , only louder and carrying further . " Come , sit . Have a drink with us . We 're buying . " Slowly , hesitantly , I sat . Even sitting at the booth it was hard to get a look at the big guy 's face . It was almost more like I couldn 't look directly at it , like any attempt to get a closer look ended with me perusing the wall beside him instead . " Well , " I said . I still wasn 't sure I should even be here . " More of a professional curiosity , really . I didn 't know the man , or anything . " " We do , " said the little guy . " And believe me , we don 't usually divulge information like this . But good old Necrothrål was a special case . " He spoke the name as if it amused him . " Few people actively seek to bring the realm of the damned to this realm , " said the big guy . " Joren Vanger did , and he got closer than even he ever realized he could . He understood that knowledge of that forbidden act would not be found on this realm , so he sought it in other realms . " " That glyph , " said the little guy . " I 'm still trying to find out how he got his hands on it , but he never should have had it . We 'll just say that much . " " When you issue challenges to the Supreme Being , " said the big guy . " Most of the time you 're just beating your fists against a brick wall . How could any mortal truly challenge the Divine ? Most of these challenges are not issued with any sincerity , whatever the challenger may say , but when they are , it can be rather amusing to see what happens when the challenge gets answered . " " Wait , wait , " I said . " Slow down . You 're saying he managed to find the gateway to Hell ? " I shook my head . These guys were clearly having one over on me . " No , no , not at all , " the little guy continued . " There 's no gate . Not in the literal sense , at any rate . But Vanger was like the rest of you , and figured there had to be . And he thought he 'd found the key . " " But it was more like a one - way ticket , " said the big guy , with a soft chuckle . " The thing is , people don 't get what they deserve . They get what they long for . That 's another misconception about the afterlife . You don 't go to Heaven for being good , and you don 't get sent to Hell for being bad . You are sent to Heaven if you truly desire to go there , and the same is true of Hell . " " He wanted to rule it , " said the little guy . " But he didn 't understand , that 's never part of the bargain . If you actually go to Hell , you 're automatically a prisoner there . No one there gets to rule . " He shot a dirty look at the big guy . I 've listened to a few Desicræd songs since meeting these two men , and I think my estimation of Vanger 's lead vocals was off . They don 't sound like demons screaming anymore . They sound like the agonized howls of a man being tortured beyond the imagination of even the sickest soul . Posted by Every now and then , I get a snatch of a song running through my head . When that happens , it can drive me nuts , and it 's a devil of a time trying to get another song in there to replace it . It 's gotta be another song , though . I can 't ever just have a head full of peace and quiet . Sometimes the song I try to listen to and replace the persistent one will instead mix with it , creating this weird cacophonic mash - up in my skull that makes me want to stab somebody . In the last several weeks , there 's one song that 's been pretty persistent , and the craziest part is that I have no idea who the artist is , what the song 's name is , or even the words . All I can remember of it is a single refrain that repeats the same line three times . The first time is clearly the main melody , the second is a counterpoint , and the third is the continuation of the main melody . It 's a strangely pleasant song , sounding like something Del Amitri would come up with , but I 've listened to their entire repertoire , and nothing matches . On that last line , the singer soars up into falsetto . He has a light tenor voice as it is . Like I said , not at all unpleasant to hear . I have just kept wishing of late that I knew more of the song , or even what those lyrics were saying . I work in a cubicle farm . What I do there is not important . I don 't mean I don 't want to tell you ; I mean it just isn 't important . At all . If I were to come in to work and all my co - workers had been brutally murdered , I doubt anyone would notice . We spend a majority of our day filling out pointless reports . Remember the movie Office Space ? That 's my life , in a nutshell . The worst part is , it takes up most of my life , is pure drudgery the entire time , and leaves me too exhausted to do much else when I get home . Doing boring , repetitive work is probably the most tiring kind of job one can do . Even a rigorous physical job still leaves one feeling like they 've accomplished something . My job is a soul - sucking nightmare . But , regardless , sometimes someone turns a radio on to break the monotony . It rarely works , but this one time , I swear I heard that song again . I was sitting at my desk , realizing how much overtime I was going to have to put in so I could actually finish all my reports for that day , when I heard that song again . But this time the words sounded different to my ears . I had a date that weekend . I don 't date much anymore . In fact , my social life in general kinda sucks . But this girl was cute , even if she was abominably stupid . I kept listening to her natter away at me all evening , pretending to be interested , but only because this girl was sending me signals that if I paid enough attention to her , she might pay special attention to me at the end of the night , if you catch my drift . Some of you might be judging me for that , but you just don 't get it . I get little to no excitement in my life . I have few friends and almost no time for romance . I gotta take what I can get . Most nights , if I want any action , I get it with RedTube and my only steady girlfriend , Palm - ela Hand - erson . Unless I was missing my signals , this girl was probably as hard - up as I was , and just as casual about who she used for service . But about half - way through the date , that song came on over the PA system . It was quiet . Almost too quiet . But I heard it , and I thought the lyrics sounded different yet again . I ignored the song , figuring my own subconscious was playing a trick on me . But it wasn 't . The song was completely right . At the end of the date she didn 't even want a ride home , and didn 't even kiss me . That was a wasted $ 70 . And what the hell was that song ? I wondered more about that on the way home than anything else . Two weeks ago my boss , Albert , took special care to come by my desk and make an example of me . Turns out form I submitted had some incorrect information on it . I doubt it was really the end of the world , but that 's the kind of thing Albert is there for , to catch me in an error and humiliate me . He seems to be the only one there who loves his job . There are certain types of bosses in the world , and the one I hate the worst is the one that 's invisible unless you screw up . In fact , I once had a problem that I wanted to send up the ladder because I felt like it was beyond my pay grade . I couldn 't find Albert anywhere . He was never at his desk , never wandering around my area . Always I was told he was " in a meeting " or " on a break " . That same day , I was so preoccupied by the one problem that I ended up misplacing a decimal on a report I was working on . I heard from Albert in less than fifteen minutes . I later counted how long it was until the next time I saw him . It was nearly three days , and exactly twelve minutes after making another " mistake " , this one on purpose just to see how quickly I could bring him out of hiding . The explosion I got from Albert two weeks ago wasn 't even my fault . It was his . The information that was " wrong " was information he had added , thinking he was correcting me , then sent on . Turns out that I had put the right information on the form . So he screamed at me for twenty minutes , making sure everyone knew how badly I had " screwed up " . Covering his ass . I 'm not sure where I heard it . There wasn 't a radio in the parkade , nor was there any sort of PA system . Maybe it just ran through my head , but I heard that damned song again . And yes , again the words were different . And I stood there by his car , hearing that song in my head , and I had an evil thought . Why not burn it down ? The bastard didn 't deserve a car this nice . I did more work than he did , got paid less and drove an old beater . I paused by his car for a moment , and then walked over and opened the gas tank . I took a long drag off my smoke , and dropped it in . I hurriedly replaced the cap and jogged for the door . In movies , cars that have their gas tanks hit with a bullet or lit on fire explode immediately . In real life , it takes a bit more time . I heard the tank itself ignite , but the fire was contained within the vehicle for nearly six minutes after I hit the stairs . I heard the detonation from there . My heart was hammering . I couldn 't believe what I 'd done . I went into self - preservation mode , high - tailing it up the stairs and hiding in a janitor 's closet . I waited there for twenty minutes and then walked back in calmly , pretending I had gone up the block for lunch . I sat at my cubicle and ignored everyone for the rest of the day . I tried not to hear Albert as he burst into the office in a panic . I ignored my own pounding pulse . As the fire department cleared the building , I walked calmly along , facing the ground . They had the fire contained within a half hour , and I moseyed back in , just as calmly . I had never done anything like this in my life , but I couldn 't ruin it by giving myself away . I sat back down , quietly , trying not to sweat , trying to keep my breath even , until the end of day . Then I went down , along with everyone else , to the parkade . The fire from Albert 's car had damanged three other vehicles . Two were undrivable . Mine wasn 't one of them . I was able to retrieve it and I drove out of the parkade in complete silence , staring blankly ahead . About three blocks later , I got the giggles . They started small , but eventually , I was laughing like a junkie pumped full of sugar . I had always been a law - abiding citizen , and I lived a life of misery . But now , I had committed a full - on criminal act and damn it , but it felt good ! And Albert , well , how deserving was he , the bastard ! We had , indeed , whoever " we " were . It was a wonderful feeling . A feeling of freedom ! I felt on top of the world , like I could do anything . " I know it was you , " he sputtered . He could barely contain his fury in that flabby little five - foot - six frame . His bald head was glistening with anger - sweat . " You were . No one saw you leave . No one saw you come back . I asked around . There 's only one place you could have been . The parkade . Everybody else was accounted for . Everybody but you . " Maybe it was the elevator playing it , or maybe it was my own imagination . But I heard the song again . With the lyrics changed . Again . I suppose it might have been saying " take him down " , for that matter . It was so faint . I never have heard it clearly . But I knew the song was right . Albert had to go down . And I was the man to do it . I didn 't ever own up to torching his car , but I stopped denying it . I knew he couldn 't prove it , so instead of denials I began taunting him . Gently , but enough to show him how aware I was of just how little he could do to me . I even began ignoring his constant finding of " mistakes " I had made , which weren 't even mine . And then four days ago , I met him in the elevator again . He had taken to turning his back to me , spurning me . That was his mistake . I lifted the straight - razor I had brought from home and sliced his carotid . Blood was just everywhere . I mean , everywhere . The door opened on the parkade , and I just about fell on my ass from all the slickness . I dragged Albert to my car and put him in the trunk . The entire time , from somewhere , came that same song , the lyrics changed yet again . I did bury him . In a shallow grave twenty feet from the highway in a field . I don 't know if they found his body , but I know one thing . I forgot that the cameras in the elevator worked just fine . I still don 't know what song that is , though . I think about it sometimes . Wonder if I ever really have heard it right . Wonder , in fact , if I 've ever actually heard it at all . I don 't know the answer to that , and I 'm not so sure it matters anymore . But it does play inside my cell , sometimes . A familiar version of the words , playing softly , usually when I 'm trying to sleep . Almost sounds like it 's gloating . |
Who We Are … . It 's funny the things we remember , and the things we don 't . It 's funny how two people , experiencing the same thing , remember the experience differently . I remember the time that my brother and I went out on the lake in Dad 's john boat , to go fishing , and Jacob kept taking us underneath the piers … . because , he said , that that 's where the fish were , and we needed to sneak up on them . I am pretty sure , though it was really just to get a rise out of me . I was terrified of spiders … . and guess what is underneath fishing piers … . . you got it …… pretty much solid spider webs , with spiders , hiding in the webs , just waiting to jump out and attack you ! ! ! After the third or fourth pier , I finally got so mad , I jumped out of the boat , and into the lake , ( it was only about knee - deep ) trespassed through some one 's yard , to get to the street , and furiously marched home , only to meet my dad on the way . I thought he would be my ally and go tell my brother to quit antagonizing me . But Nope … . . I was the one who got in trouble for disrupting the neighborhood . I should have known better , and was told to leave my brother alone and let him do his thing . ( I think we both remember that pretty much the same . Only difference is , he still thinks it 's funny , and while I can laugh about it now , I definitely would not want to relive the experience . To be fair , there was a time when I was nine and he was five , and we were on vacation in rural Tomahawk . It was a place in the north woods of Wisconsin , where people had little trailers , or camper trailers , even little cabins . We had a camper trailer , and were secluded from the others . We mostly stayed to ourselves , but there was one family up there , that my family had gotten quite close to over the years , so dad , always made it a point to walk over and visit with them . Jake , and I being the only young children , would tire of the visit quickly , so dad would let us go fish from their pier . I guess the fish must not have been biting , because I was bored , and wanted to go swimming . Dad kept on talking to the Hopsickers for what seemed like an eternity , but was probably really only like fifteen minutes , or so . Finally I thought of a plan to get in the water . I talked my brother into hanging upside down at the end of the pier by his knees . I am not quite sure of how I convinced him to do this , but it probably wasn 't that hard . I figured the only way for him to get out of that position , would be for him to drop into the water . And because he was the younger of us , and the spoiled one , who never got in trouble for anything , I figured if he got in the water first , then either dad would finally come on , and take us out to the sandbar so we could go swimming , and if not , I could jump in too , with the excuse that " He did it first ! " Things , however did not go , quite as planned . In my 42 - year - old mind , I cannot even picture how he was able to get into the hanging upside down from his knees position , from the pier . I don 't know how he didn 't just fall into the river backwards … . but he didn 't . It was so funny to seeing him hanging there , his head only a foot or so above the water , that I couldn 't help but start laughing . Jacob , did not think it was funny at all , and realized he was stuck , and started screaming , " DAD , DAD , DAD . " Over and over . At this point I realized I should probably run for help . I 'll nevJust as my brother can laugh at this story now , I am sure , just as I would not like to relive the fishing under the piers , literally , experience , I am sure he has never again in his life desired to hang upside down from a pier , by his knees . None of us has had a perfect storybook life . We are imperfect people , living in an imperfect world . Our childhoods , as well as our adult lives , are made up of many stories . It is how we choose to remember those stories , that make us who we are today . I am not suggesting , we change the stories , rewriting them how we would have liked to have experienced them , but rather , there is good and bad in every story . If you stay stuck on the bad , you will become a bitter and angry person , who allows yourself to become imprisoned in a victimized mentality . That mentality will keep you from experiencing lasting peace and joy , and even love . You may have moments of happiness , when something seems to go your way , but as soon as something goes wrong , you will likely revert to the victim who blames everything and everyone for their unhappiness . Likewise , if we focus only on the good , and minimize the bad , excuse it , or completely ignore it . This is no better , because that is essentially living in denial , and when we live in denial , we do not grow from our experiences , and we miss the chance to overcome . Therefore we accept what was not good , as normal , and are then destined to repeat the same behaviour and mistakes , that we would have the courage and the wisdom to change , for the better , if we acknowledged that which was good as good , and that which was not good , as not good . We all have stories that we can look back and laugh about , and we all have stories that still hurt . And that 's okay . The WHOLE of those stories , is who we truly are . By cdavis420May 29 , 20161 , 258 WordsLeave a comment Calling Grandma I am probably the worst person for keeping in touch . It 's not that I don 't think and care of others , I just have a tendency to get comfortably lost in my own little world , and time slips away , and before I know it , days have become week , weeks months , and you know how it goes . Since my grandmother has moved into a nursing home , I 've been trying to make it a point to call her at least once a week . This is something I should have done before , but there is something about the word nursing home that helps put time , or the lack thereof into perspective . My grandfather used to come down and visit us at least once a year , sometimes twice . Each time he would stay for two weeks . In that two - week time frame , he would tell the same three or four stories , over and over and over . It was hard not to become impatient . I would think , " Grandpa , you have lived how many years , and four stories is all you can remember ? " Of course , I would never say that to him . The next time he came , he would have three or four different ones to tell , and it would be the same routine . And then he died . And what I wouldn 't give to have him come visit once again , to see his short little Michaels ' legs barely reaching the end of the recliner , his pant legs , rolled several times into thick cuffs , around his ankles , and to watch his eyebrows spasm , as he told the same stories to me again and again . But that wont happen . Thankfully , though , I do have memories of his stories , but only of the ones he told again and again and again . Sadly , though , even those are foggy to me . I am very blessed to still have my grandma , and I love visiting with her . While she doesn 't tell stories , like my grandpa did , she likes to talk about memories that she and I have shared . We talk about the laughs we 've shared , and even times that weren 't so funny at the time , but we laugh about now , like the time she yelled out the kitchen window , when I was about ten , and was hanging clothes on the line for the first time , and wasn 't doing as quickly as someone who had a clue as to what they were doing . I was just about in tears , because I couldn 't get the crease in grandpa 's dress pants to line up , and all of a sudden , I hear this snotty voice say , through the kitchen window , " YOU ' LL NEVER GET A JOB ! ! ! YOU ' LL HAVE TO GO DOWN SOUTH IF YOU EVER WANT TO GET A JOB ! " That hurt my feelings , and made me mad . I didn 't like my grandma much during those years . But you know what ? Three weeks after I graduated from high school , I moved down south , and I 've never had any trouble finding or keeping a job . In fact , I 've been blessed with a wonderful job working for the USPS . We laugh about it now . And it really is funny in hindsight . Especially when she was living down here with my mother for a while , and wanted so badly to go back to her home in Wisconsin . I would tell her that it was all her fault , that she was here , had she not told me I 'd have to come down here and get a job , then Mom wouldn 't have followed me down here , and you wouldn 't be here either . So . I explained , the joke was all on her . And of course she would remember that day , long ago , and laugh . We also talk about " our late night bedroom talks . " I moved in with my mom and step - dad , when I started high school . Not long after , she moved in . Remember , I didn 't like her that much at the time , and was not looking forward to her moving in . But it did not take long for us to bond , and it is one of the most wonderful blessings I ever could have had . I would sneak into her room after my mom and step - dad were asleep , and we would sit up for hours , her sitting at one end of the bed , and me at the other , or she would be sitting on a chair in the walk in closet , while I sat on the floor , and we would just talk and talk and talk . I felt understood , and listened to . Grandma would share stories of when she was dating my grandpa , and I would share stories , about the guy who was a regular where I worked , who I had a major crush on . She would give me advice , that didn 't feel like advice , like always make sure you pay more attention to the ladies than to the men . Especially if they are with the men . " But grandma , the men pay more attention to me than the ladies do . " I explained , to which she told me that was natural , and that was why I needed to pay more attention to the ladies . When grandma came down here to live with mom , I was so happy . And when her kids all went in together to send her to Graceland , and I got nominated to be the one to take her , I was so looking forward to it . The day we left , she was poking along , and wanted to stop and eat lunch before we ever got out of Jackson . I told her that if we didn 't hurry up , Elvis would be dead by the time we got there . Sure enough , he was . But we never had more fun than any other two people in the history of visitors to Graceland . We stayed at Heartbreak Hotel . Above each of our beds , was a large picture of Elvis . Grandma was in the bathroom getting ready to go to dinner , and I hollered and told her Elvis had come to see us . she just laughed and said , " Yeah right . " I climbed up on her bed … . . the cuter picture of him was above her bed … . and I took a selfie , way before selfies were cool … . maybe before selfie was even a word , of Elvis and me . She finally came out of the bathroom and I told her , sure enough , she had missed him , and I showed her the picture of Elvis and me on the LCD screen on my camera . We caught the shuttle bus , and it let us out caddy corner to BB Kings , on Beale street . We walked several blocks , to the restraint where we had supper , enjoying the lights and the beauty of the Cinderella style horse - drawn carriages . Because it took so long for her to walk , we ate a bit quicker than we needed to , just to make sure we would not miss the shuttle bus back to the hotel . We made it back with plenty of time to spare , so we sat on the corner , I on the steps of a building , and grandma , on her walker seat , and we waited . Grandma made the comment about us working the street corner , and what a sight we must be … . with her and her walker . We were laughing when a man came from around the corner , and asked us if we had any money on us . I told him that I never carried cash . He asked if I was sure I didn 't even have a quarter . At that time , a patrol car pulled up , and asked if he could help us . I explained we were waiting for the shuttle bus , and he said that it ought to be there in just a few minutes , and then God bless him , he sat in his car , and looked out for two sitting ducks , who couldn 't even make a living working the street corner if we tried . Instead of someone offering to pay us , we got asked if we had any money . We still laugh about that . The next day , we got up and went to Graceland . It was so much fun to be with grandma , because I knew how much she was enjoying herself , and what a treat it was for her to be there . It didn 't trouble me at all how slow grandma moved from one place to the next , I just loved that she was getting to enjoy her time there . I did not rush her , or even try to hurry her along the least . I just enjoyed being with her at her pace . It broke my heart when she was not able to climb the stairs to tour the Lisa Marie . I offered to stay down with her , but she told me to go up there and see it for her too , so I could take pictures , and tell her all about it . And when I went up there my bare leg , accidentally brushed against the end of his bed , and I couldn 't wait to tell grandma when I got back down to her ! How many people have touched Elvis ' bed with their bare leg ? ? ? ? Even if it was just my calf . We were like two school girls with a crush on the same guy . We had so much fun . So now when I talk to grandma , she always brings these same memories up , and often several times in the same conversation . But I don 't mind . I am so thankful that we have these memories to share , and that they mean so much to her . I miss getting to see her , but am thankful we live in the era of the telephone , with low long distance rates , because every time we talk , an hour can easily go by . When I hint that I should probably go , she often will start a new conversation , letting me know that she is not ready to go , and if I don 't just need to go , I am happy to talk to her a little longer , even if we are only repeating the things that we 've already said . And when we do finally have to hang up , she tells me over and over how much she loves me , and how much she loves all of the laughs that we have shared . It 's almost like every time we say good - bye , she is saying it , as though it may be the last time we will get to say good - bye . I figure grandma has quite a bit of time left , but it is always good to be prepared . And if it 's reassuring her to reassure me , then I am blessed and thankful for her reassurance . And it always feels good to hear that you are loved . By cdavis420May 24 , 20161 , 774 WordsLeave a comment I have a choice . On May the 11th I was involved in a vehicle collision . I was driving down a gravel road , when a car came flying around a blind curve . He saw me , and panicked , hitting his brakes . This threw him out of control , although I 'm not sure that he would have remained in control , even had he not held down his brakes , at the rate of speed he was going . It is completely reasonable to believe he would have fishtail - ed , and who knows if he could have corrected it , while remaining on the road . At any rate , He hit his brakes , throwing his car sideways , I had slowed to what I guess was approximately 20 mph , and got over as far to the right as I could . A small bank prevented me from leaving the road . Still , his car kept coming sideways , ( driver 's side ) straight at me . I saw him grasping the steering wheel with both hands , trying to retake control of his vehicle , which was about as possible at this time , as it would have been to control a vehicle sliding , at a high rate of speed , on a sheet of ice . He was lined up perfectly with the front of my jeep , and was so close that I knew we were not going to avoid colliding . I cried out " Oh Jesus , we are going to hit , and I 'm not wearing my shoulder belt ! " I closed my eyes , and prayed , " Please God help us ! " And then there was the sound of metal being crushed , and glass breaking . I held on to my steering wheel , with arms locked , and stood up on my brake pedal , while the force of my vehicle being thrown back and then forward and to the left , as he hit and bounced off me . When I closed my eyes , his vehicle miraculously slid so that the rear door , and rear quarter panel of his car , struck the front drivers quarter of my jeep , and not his driver 's door , spinning him 180 degrees , bouncing him of from my front quarter panel , leaving him facing the rear quarter panel of my jeep . Thankfully his vehicle stopped , just before striking mine again . I could no longer see him , and the sound of glass shattering falling , andThat first instance of silence , I prayed , " Oh my God , please don 't let him be dead ! " I got out and was so thankful to see movement , and then to hear him holler out , " Oh my gosh , are you alright ? I 'm so sorry ! I 'm so sorry ! " Over and over again . At that point my maternal instincts took over . Here was a boy , my kids ' age . He could have just as easily been mine . He was understandably very shaken up . His driver 's door would not open , and his knee was hurting . He was not wearing a shirt , but , praise God , he was wearing a seatbelt . He had seatbelt burn , on his left collarbone , and shoulder , and it also appeared to be bruising . I called for help , and tried to calm him down . He climbed out of his drivers window , and as he walked around looking at our vehicles , he began to calm down . In the meantime my neck started to ache and to burn like it was on fire , and my head began to hurt , badly . We went to the hospital where we were both checked out , and released . His family was so kind , and he was too , all of them coming to check on me before he left . My head continued to throb and my neck continued to burn , finally after a series of tests , the doctor gave me a shot of demerol , which under any other circumstances , would have knocked me out cold , but for whatever reason , did nothing to relieve my pain , or my headache . I came home , and dealt with a headache that would put any migraine to shame , for the next two days . My body continues to have spasms , a week and a half later , but they are beginning to be less intense . My middle back , while still in pain , has loosened up quite a bit in the last couple of days . I still suffer with excruciating pain in my lower back at times , bringing me to tears , like when I try to get into Terry 's car . My neck aches continually , and wakes me up in the night . I am happy that my range of motion , seems to improved some in the last day or so , but even that seems to more discomfort . I am not complaining , am only stating facts . People ask if I am angry with the driver of the other vehicle . I have moments , but they do not last long . I do however get angry with my own son , even though he was not involved , but simply because he thinks driving erratically is a joke . I tell him over and over again , what can happen , and it makes no difference to him whatsoever . And now here I sit , the innocent victim who ended up on the wrong side of someone 's erratic driving . I know the poor kid was furious , and hurt , after finding out that his girlfriend had been cheating on him , but here I am , paying for that . I have missed a week and a half of work so far . I have not been able to do many of the things that I love , and things that need to be done , like cut grass . I can 't go anywhere , unless I have someone to drive me , because of the meds that I am having to take , just to keep my muscles from going spasmodic . I have to find a replacement vehicle , which is not easy at all . I can 't do simple house work , for more than a few minutes at a time with out aching . And most of all , I was so looking forward to spending a couple of days in Gatlinburg with my son , at the end of his pre - deployment leave . I was so thankful that I was going to have the opportunity to drive him back to base , and now , I don 't know that I will have the time left , to take off work , or that my body will be physically able to spend 28 hours in a car . So yes , I am mad . And I am sad . I am frustrated , not so much at the boy who was driving , but at the entire situation . I am also thankful . I am thankful for any one of the random things that slowed me down that day , and kept me from meeting that car in the middle of the curve , head - on . Or further down that road , in another curve . I am thankful that he hit me at the angle he hit . I am thankful , that he hit me , and spun around , which kept his car from shooting across the road , and head on straight into a very large tree . I am thankful that he was wearing his seatbelt , and that his dad had strongly instilled that in him . There is no doubt in my mind that it saved his life . I am glad that I did not end up with broken bones , and neither did he . I am thankful for a mother who came over and fixed me breakfast the next morning , even if she did chuckle because when she said she would fix me anything I wanted , all I requested was a bagel with cream cheese . I am thankful that she came by to check on me , and to make sure I ate with my meds , so I would not get sick . I am thankful for a daughter who has helped out so much , doing extra chores , and chaffering me around . Even for a massage . I am thankful for a husband who encourages me to listen to the doctor , and take it slow . I was raised old school , tough it out and push your way through it , which when I told the doctor that I felt like a bum , by taking it easy , and wouldn 't the other way be better , he convinced my that old school is not always the best way , or the right way , and that if I wanted to heal properly I would lay around and rest , and let my body heal , while doing the exercises I have been doing in physical therapy . There are so many things to be thankful for , lots of them , I may not even realize for years to come , until one day when I am looking back . So , I have a choice . I can focus on the good , or the bad . But really , what choice is there ? When I consider all the good that I have to be thankful for , how can I even linger for a moment on bad . And yet I do . Not in a poor me way , but I do find myself becoming anxious , when I think of trying to find a replacement vehicle , or when I wonder how much longer it will be until my body is completely healed , and will it completely heal , or will there be effects that remain for the remainder of my life ? By cdavis420May 22 , 2016May 22 , 20161 , 566 WordsLeave a comment I have a choice . On May the 11th I was involved in a vehicle collision . I was driving down a gravel road , when a car came flying around a blind curve . He saw me , and panicked , hitting his brakes . This threw him out of control , although I 'm not sure that he would have remained in control , even had he not held down his brakes , at the rate of speed he was going . It is completely reasonable to believe he would have fishtail - ed , and who knows if he could have corrected it , while remaining on the road . At any rate , He hit his brakes , throwing his car sideways , I had slowed to what I guess was approximately 20 mph , and got over as far to the right as I could . A small bank prevented me from leaving the road . Still , his car kept coming sideways , ( driver 's side ) straight at me . I saw him grasping the steering wheel with both hands , trying to retake control of his vehicle , which was about as possible at this time , as it would have been to control a vehicle sliding , at a high rate of speed , on a sheet of ice . He was lined up perfectly with the front of my jeep , and was so close that I knew we were not going to avoid colliding . I cried out " Oh Jesus , we are going to hit , and I 'm not wearing my shoulder belt ! " I closed my eyes , and prayed , " Please God help us ! " And then there was the sound of metal being crushed , and glass breaking . I held on to my steering wheel , with arms locked , and stood up on my brake pedal , while the force of my vehicle being thrown back and then forward and to the left , as he hit and bounced off me . When I closed my eyes , his vehicle miraculously slid so that the rear door , and rear quarter panel of his car , struck the front drivers quarter of my jeep , and not his driver 's door , spinning him 180 degrees , bouncing him of from my front quarter panel , leaving him facing the rear quarter panel of my jeep . Thankfully his vehicle stopped , just before striking mine again . I could no longer see him , and the sound of glass shattering That first instance of silence , I prayed , " Oh my God , please don 't let him be dead ! " I got out and was so thankful to see movement , and then to hear him holler out , " Oh my gosh , are you alright ? I 'm so sorry ! I 'm so sorry ! " Over and over again . At that point my maternal instincts took over . Here was a boy , my kids ' age . He could have just as easily been mine . He was understandably very shaken up . His driver 's door would not open , and his knee was hurting . He was not wearing a shirt , but , praise God , he was wearing a seatbelt . He had seatbelt burn , on his left collarbone , and shoulder , and it also appeared to be bruising . I called for help , and tried to calm him down . He climbed out of his drivers window , and as he walked around looking at our vehicles , he began to calm down . In the meantime my neck started to ache and to burn like it was on fire , and my head began to hurt , badly . We went to the hospital where we were both checked out , and released . His family was so kind , and he was too , all of them coming to check on me before he left . My head continued to throb and my neck continued to burn , finally after a series of tests , the doctor gave me a shot of demerol , which under any other circumstances , would have knocked me out cold , but for whatever reason , did nothing to relieve my pain , or my headache . I came home , and dealt with a headache that would put any migraine to shame , for the next two days . My body continues to have spasms , a week and a half later , but they are beginning to be less intense . My middle back , while still in pain , has loosened up quite a bit in the last couple of days . I still suffer with excruciating pain in my lower back at times , bringing me to tears , like when I try to get into Terry 's car . My neck aches continually , and wakes me up in the night . I am happy that my range of motion , seems to improved some in the last day or so , but even that seems to more discomfort . I am not complaining , am only stating facts . People ask if I am angry with the driver of the other vehicle . I have moments , but they do not last long . I do however get angry with my own son , even though he was not involved , but simply because he thinks driving erratically is a joke . I tell him over and over again , what can happen , and it makes no difference to him whatsoever . And now here I sit , the innocent victim who ended up on the wrong side of someone 's erratic driving . I know the poor kid was furious , and hurt , after finding out that his girlfriend had been cheating on him , but here I am , paying for that . I have missed a week and a half of work so far . I have not been able to do many of the things that I love , and things that need to be done , like cut grass . I can 't go anywhere , unless I have someone to drive me , because of the meds that I am having to take , just to keep my muscles from going spasmodic . I have to find a replacement vehicle , which is not easy at all . I can 't do simple house work , for more than a few minutes at a time with out aching . And most of all , I was so looking forward to spending a couple of days in Gatlinburg with my son , at the end of his pre - deployment leave . I was so thankful that I was going to have the opportunity to drive him back to base , and now , I don 't know that I will have the time left , to take off work , or that my body will be physically able to spend 28 hours in a car . So yes , I am mad . And I am sad . I am frustrated , not so much at the boy who was driving , but at the entire situation . I am also thankful . I am thankful for any one of the random things that slowed me down that day , and kept me from meeting that car in the middle of the curve , head - on . Or further down that road , in another curve . I am thankful that he hit me at the angle he hit . I am thankful , that he hit me , and spun around , which kept his car from shooting across the road , and head on straight into a very large tree . I am thankful that he was wearing his seatbelt , and that his dad had strongly instilled that in him . There is no doubt in my mind that it saved his life . I am glad that I did not end up with broken bones , and neither did he . I am thankful for a mother who came over and fixed me breakfast the next morning , even if she did chuckle because when she said she would fix me anything I wanted , all I requested was a bagel with cream cheese . I am thankful that she came by to check on me , and to make sure I ate with my meds , so I would not get sick . I am thankful for a daughter who has helped out so much , doing extra chores , and chaffering me around . Even for a massage . I am thankful for a husband who encourages me to listen to the doctor , and take it slow . I was raised old school , tough it out and push your way through it , which when I told the doctor that I felt like a bum , by taking it easy , and wouldn 't the other way be better , he convinced my that old school is not always the best way , or the right way , and that if I wanted to heal properly I would lay around and rest , and let my body heal , while doing the exercises I have been doing in physical therapy . There are so many things to be thankful for , lots of them , I may not even realize for years to come , until one day when I am looking back . So , I have a choice . I can focus on the good , or the bad . But really , what choice is there ? When I consider all the good that I have to be thankful for , how can I even linger for a moment on bad . And yet I do . Not in a poor me way , but I do find myself becoming anxious , when I think of trying to find a replacement vehicle , or when I wonder how much longer it will be until my body is completely healed , and will it completely heal , or will there be effects that remain for the remainder of my life ? By cdavis420May 22 , 2016May 22 , 20161 , 566 WordsLeave a comment Chapter One I love to write . It is how I process my ever wandering thoughts . So many people see , hear , or feel something , and that 's all the deeper it goes with them . They move on , and let it go , and think no more of it . I cannot imagine what it would be to have that kind of mind . I wonder what they think about . For real . I was not wired that way . I see something , and I wonder why , or how . I hear song lyrics , and I wonder what they really meant to the person who wrote them . I emotionally feel something , and I wonder why . I love to study behavior , and wonder why people behave the way they do . I wonder why I behave the way I do . I wonder why I wonder about things , that so many people never stop to think about . So , I am going to try this blogging thing . Please bear with me , as I am new to this , and am learning as I go along . Likely , if you come back , or chose to follow my blog , you will find random topics , that have been weighing heavy on my mind or heart , and I have just come here , to process , or write , my way through them . By cdavis420May 20 , 2016May 21 , 2016209 WordsLeave a comment First blog post This is your very first post . Click the Edit link to modify or delete it , or start a new post . If you like , use this post to tell readers why you started this blog and what you plan to do with it . By cdavis420May 20 , 201642 WordsLeave a comment Blog at WordPress . com . |
Update : As promised , I 'm updating this to include Tom Junod 's response . He notes that the profile is available in the Esquire collection of profiles entitled " Great Men " at Byliner . At $ 3 . 99 it appears to be a fantastic deal . I 'll be purchasing , and I hope you will , too . If he asks me to remove the text below , I 'll be doing so , but I hope he 'll let us continue to read it here as well . I 've reproduced it from the site I originally found it on here in its entirety for easy reading . I 've asked him for a place to link to the article . I was unable to find a copy on the Esquire site , but original links to my source articles are here : 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 . ONCE UPON A TIME , a little boy loved a stuffed animal whose name was Old Rabbit . It was so old , in fact , that it was really an unstuffed animal ; so old that even back then , with the little boy 's brain still nice and fresh , he had no memory of it as " Young Rabbit , " or even " Rabbit " ; so old that Old Rabbit was barely a rabbit at all but rather a greasy hunk of skin without eyes and ears , with a single red stitch where its tongue used to be . The little boy didn 't know why he loved Old Rabbit ; he just did , and the night he threw it out the car window was the night he learned how to pray . He would grow up to become a great prayer , this little boy , but only intermittently , only fitfully , praying only when fear and desperation drove him to it , and the night he threw Old Rabbit into the darkness was the night that set the pattern , the night that taught him how . He prayed for Old Rabbit 's safe return , and when , hours later , his mother and father came home with the filthy , precious strip of rabbity roadkill , he learned not only that prayers are sometimes answered but also the kind of severe effort they entail , the kind of endless frantic summoning . And so when he threw Old Rabbit out the car window the next time , it was gone for good . YOU WERE A CHILD ONCE , TOO . That 's what Mister Rogers said , that 's what he wrote down , once upon a time , for the doctors . The doctors were ophthalmologists . An ophthalmologist is a doctor who takes care of the eyes . Sometimes , ophthalmologists have to take care of the eyes of children , and some children get very scared , because children know that their world disappears when their eyes close , and they can be afraid that the ophthalmologists will make their eyes close forever . The ophthalmologists did not want to scare children , so they asked Mister Rogers for help , and Mister Rogers agreed to write a chapter for a book the ophthalmologists were putting together - a chapter about what other ophthalmologists could do to calm the children who came to their offices . Because Mister Rogers is such a busy man , however , he could not write the chapter himself , and he asked a woman who worked for him to write it instead . She worked very hard at writing the chapter , until one day she showed what she had written to Mister Rogers , who read it and crossed it all out and wrote a sentence addressed directly to the doctors who would be reading it : " You were a child once , too . " THE OLD NAVY - BLUE SPORT JACKET comes off first , then the dress shoes , except that now there is not the famous sweater or the famous sneakers to replace them , and so after the shoes he 's on to the dark socks , peeling them off and showing the blanched skin of his narrow feet . The tie is next , the scanty black batwing of a bow tie hand - tied at his slender throat , and then the shirt , always white or light blue , whisked from his body button by button . He wears an undershirt , of course , but no matter - soon that 's gone , too , as is the belt , as are the beige trousers , until his undershorts stand as the last impediment to his nakedness . They are boxers , egg - colored , and to rid himself of them he bends at the waist , and stands on one leg , and hops , and lifts one knee toward his chest and then the other and then … Mister Rogers has no clothes on . ONCE UPON A TIME , a long time ago , a man took off his jacket and put on a sweater . Then he took off his shoes and put on a pair of sneakers . His name was Fred Rogers . He was starting a television program , aimed at children , called Mister Rogers ' Neighborhood . He had been on television before , but only as the voices and movements of puppets , on a program called The Children 's Corner . Now he was stepping in front of the camera as Mister Rogers , and he wanted to do things right , and whatever he did right , he wanted to repeat . And so , once upon a time , Fred Rogers took off his jacket and put on a sweater his mother had made him , a cardigan with a zipper . Then he took off his shoes and put on a pair of navy - blue canvas boating sneakers . He did the same thing the next day , and then the next … until he had done the same things , those things , 865 times , at the beginning of 865 television programs , over a span of thirty - one years . The first time I met Mister Rogers , he told me a story of how deeply his simple gestures had been felt , and received . He had just come back from visiting Koko , the gorilla who has learned - or who has been taught - American Sign Language . Koko watches television . Koko watches Mister Rogers ' Neighborhood , and when Mister Rogers , in his sweater and sneakers , entered the place where she lives , Koko immediately folded him in her long , black arms , as though he were a child , and then … " She took my shoes off , Tom , " Mister Rogers said . Koko was much bigger than Mister Rogers . She weighed 280 pounds , and Mister Rogers weighed 143 . Koko weighed 280 pounds because she is a gorilla , and Mister Rogers weighed 143 pounds because he has weighed 143 pounds as long as he has been Mister Rogers , because once upon a time , around thirty - one years ago , Mister Rogers stepped on a scale , and the scale told him that Mister Rogers weighs 143 pounds . No , not that he weighed 143 pounds , but that he weighs 143 pounds … . And so , every day , Mister Rogers refuses to do anything that would make his weight change - he neither drinks , nor smokes , nor eats flesh of any kind , nor goes to bed late at night , nor sleeps late in the morning , nor even watches television - and every morning , when he swims , he steps on a scale in his bathing suit and his bathing cap and his goggles , and the scale tells him that he weighs 143 pounds . This has happened so many times that Mister Rogers has come to see that number as a gift , as a destiny fulfilled , because , as he says , " the number 143 means ' I love you . ' It takes one letter to say ' I ' and four letters to say ' love ' and three letters to say ' you . ' One hundred and forty - three . ' I love you . ' Isn 't that wonderful ? " THE FIRST TIME I CALLED MISTER ROGERS on the telephone , I woke him up from his nap . He takes a nap every day in the late afternoon - just as he wakes up every morning at five - thirty to read and study and write and pray for the legions who have requested his prayers ; just as he goes to bed at nine - thirty at night and sleeps eight hours without interruption . On this afternoon , the end of a hot , yellow day in New York City , he was very tired , and when I asked if I could go to his apartment and see him , he paused for a moment and said shyly , " Well , Tom , I 'm in my bathrobe , if you don 't mind . " I told him I didn 't mind , and when , five minutes later , I took the elevator to his floor , well , sure enough , there was Mister Rogers , silver - haired , standing in the golden door at the end of the hallway and wearing eyeglasses and suede moccasins with rawhide laces and a flimsy old blue - and - yellow bathrobe that revealed whatever part of his skinny white calves his dark - blue dress socks didn 't hide . " Welcome , Tom , " he said with a slight bow , and bade me follow him inside , where he lay down - no , stretched out , as though he had known me all his life - on a couch upholstered with gold velveteen . He rested his head on a small pillow and kept his eyes closed while he explained that he had bought the apartment thirty years before for $ 11 , 000 and kept it for whenever he came to New York on business for the Neighborhood . I sat in an old armchair and looked around . The place was drab and dim , with the smell of stalled air and a stain of daguerreotype sunlight on its closed , slatted blinds , and Mister Rogers looked so at home in its gloomy familiarity that I thought he was going to fall back asleep when suddenly the phone rang , startling him . " Oh , hello , my dear , " he said when he picked it up , and then he said that he had a visitor , someone who wanted to learn more about the Neighborhood . " Would you like to speak to him ? " he asked , and then handed me the phone . " It 's Joanne , " he said . I took the phone and spoke to a woman - his wife , the m " Special friends ? " " Yes , " he said . " Maybe a puppet , or a special toy , or maybe just a stuffed animal you loved very much . Did you have a special friend like that , Tom ? " " Old Rabbit . Oh , and I 'll bet the two of you were together since he was a very young rabbit . Would you like to tell me about Old Rabbit , Tom ? " And it was just about then , when I was spilling the beans about my special friend , that Mister Rogers rose from his corner of the couch and stood suddenly in front of me with a small black camera in hand . " Can I take your picture , Tom ? " he asked . " I 'd like to take your picture . I like to take pictures of all my new friends , so that I can show them to Joanne . . . . " And then , in the dark room , there was a wallop of white light , and Mister Rogers disappeared behind it . ONCE UPON A TIME , there was a boy who didn 't like himself very much . It was not his fault . He was born with cerebral palsy . Cerebral palsy is something that happens to the brain . It means that you can think but sometimes can 't walk , or even talk . This boy had a very bad case of cerebral palsy , and when he was still a little boy , some of the people entrusted to take care of him took advantage of him instead and did things to him that made him think that he was a very bad little boy , because only a bad little boy would have to live with the things he had to live with . In fact , when the little boy grew up to be a teenager , he would get so mad at himself that he would hit himself , hard , with his own fists and tell his mother , on the computer he used for a mouth , that he didn 't want to live anymore , for he was sure that God didn 't like what was inside him any more than he did . He had always loved Mister Rogers , though , and now , even when he was fourteen years old , he watched the Neighborhood whenever it was on , and the boy 's mother sometimes thought that Mister Rogers was keeping her son alive . She and the boy lived together in a city in California , and although she wanted very much for her son to meet Mister Rogers , she knew that he was far too disabled to travel all the way to Pittsburgh , so she figured he would never meet his hero , until one day she learned through a special foundation designed to help children like her son that Mister Rogers was coming to California and that after he visited the gorilla named Koko , he was coming to meet her son . At first , the boy was made very nervous by the thought that Mister Rogers was visiting him . He was so nervous , in fact , that when Mister Rogers did visit , he got mad at himself and began hating himself and hitting himself , and his mother had to take him to another room and talk to him . Mister Rogers didn 't leave , though . He wanted something from the boy , and Mister Rogers never leaves when he wants something from somebody . He just waited patiently , and when the boy came back , Mister Rogers talked to him , and then he made his request . He said , " I would like you to do something for me . Would you do something for me ? " On his computer , the boy answered yes , of course , he would do anything for Mister Rogers , so then Mister Rogers said , " I would like you to pray for me . Will you pray for me ? " And now the boy didn 't know how to respond . He was thunderstruck . Thunderstruck means that you can 't talk , because something has happened that 's as sudden and as miraculous and maybe as scary as a bolt of lightning , and all you can do is listen to the rumble . The boy was thunderstruck because nobody had ever asked him for something like that , ever . The boy had always been prayed for . The boy had always been the object of prayer , and now he was being asked to pray for Mister Rogers , and although at first he didn 't know if he could do it , he said he would , he said he 'd try , and ever since then he keeps Mister Rogers in his prayers and doesn 't talk about wanting to die anymore , because he figures Mister Rogers is close to God , and if Mister Rogers likes him , that must mean God likes him , too . As for Mister Rogers himself … well , he doesn 't look at the story in the same way that the boy did or that I did . In fact , when Mister Rogers first told me the story , I complimented him on being so smart - for knowing that asking the boy for his prayers would make the boy feel better about himself - and Mister Rogers responded by looking at me at first with puzzlement and then with surprise . " Oh , heavens no , Tom ! I didn 't ask him for his prayers for him ; I asked for me . I asked him because I think that anyone who has gone through challenges like that must be very close to God . I asked him because I wanted his intercession . " ON DECEMBER 1 , 1997 - oh , heck , once upon a time - a boy , no longer little , told his friends to watch out , that he was going to do something " really big " the next day at school , and the next day at school he took his gun and his ammo and his earplugs and shot eight classmates who had clustered for a prayer meeting . Three died , and they were still children , almost . The shootings took place in West Paducah , Kentucky , and when Mister Rogers heard about them , he said , " Oh , wouldn 't the world be a different place if he had said , ' I 'm going to do something really little tomorrow , ' " and he decided to dedicate a week of the Neighborhood to the theme " Little and Big . " He wanted to tell children that what starts out little can sometimes become big , and so that could devote themselves to little dreams without feeling bad about them . But how could Mister Rogers show little becoming big , and vice versa ? That was a challenge . He couldn 't just say it , the way he could always just say to the children who watch his program that they are special to him , or even sing it , the way he would always sing " It 's You I Like " and " Everybody 's Fancy " and " It 's Such a Good Feeling " and " Many Ways to Say I Love You " and " Sometimes People Are Good . " No , he had to show it , he had to demonstrate it , and that 's how Mister Rogers and the people who work for him eventually got the idea of coming to New York City to visit a woman named Maya Lin . Maya Lin is a famous architect . Architects are people who create big things from the little designs they draw on pieces of paper . Most famous architects are famous for creating big famous buildings , but Maya Lin is more famous for creating big fancy things for people to look at , and in fact , when Mister Rogers had gone to her studio the day before , he looked at the pictures she had drawn of the clock that is now on the ceiling of a place in New York called Penn Station . A clock is a machine that tells people what time it is , but as Mister Rogers sat in the backseat of an old station wagon hired to take him from his apartment to Penn Station , he worried that Maya Lin 's clock might be too fancy and that the children who watch the Neighborhood might not understand it . Mister Rogers always worries about things like that , because he always worries about children , and when his station wagon stopped in traffic next to a bus stop , he read aloud the advertisement of an airline trying to push its international service . " Hmmm , " Mister Rogers said , " that 's a strange ad . ' Most people think of us as a great domestic airline . We hate that . ' Hmmm . Hate is such a strong word to use so lightly . If they can hate something like that , you wonder how easy it would be for them to hate something more important . " He was with his producer , Margy Whitmer . He had makeup on his face and a dollop of black dye combed into his silver hair . He was wearing beige pants , a blue dress shirt , a tie , dark socks , a pair of dark - blue boating sneakers , and a purple , zippered cardigan . He looked very little in the backseat of the car . Then the car stopped on Thirty - fourth Street , in front of the escalators leading down to the station , and when the doors opened - - he turned into Mister F * * * Rogers . This was not a bad thing , however , because he was in New York , and in New York it 's not an insult to be called Mister * * Anything . In fact , it 's an honorific . An honorific is what people call you when they respect you , and the moment Mister Rogers got out of the car , people wouldn 't stay away from him , they respected him so much . Oh , Margy Whitmer tried to keep people away from him , tried to tell people that if they gave her their names and addresses , Mister Rogers would send them an autographed picture , but every time she turned around , there was Mister Rogers putting his arms around someone , or wiping the tears off someone 's cheek , or passing around the picture of someone 's child , or getting on his knees to talk to a child . Margy couldn 't stop them , and she couldn 't stop him . " Oh , Mister Rogers , thank you for my childhood . " " Oh , Mister Rogers , you 're the father I never had . " " Oh , Mister Rogers , would you please just hug me ? " After a while , Margy just rolled her eyes and gave up , because it 's always like this with Mister Rogers , because the thing that people don 't understand about him is that he 's greedy for this - greedy for the grace that people offer him . What is grace ? He doesn 't even know . He can 't define it . This is a man who loves the simplifying force of definitions , and yet all he knows of grace is how he gets it ; all he knows is that he gets it from God , through man . And so in Penn Station , where he was surrounded by men and women and children , he had this power , like a comic - book superhero who absorbs the energy of others until he bursts out of his shirt . ONCE UPON A TIME , Mister Rogers went to New York City and got caught in the rain . He didn 't have an umbrella , and he couldn 't find a taxi , either , so he ducked with a friend into the subway and got on one of the trains . It was late in the day , and the train was crowded with children who were going home from school . Though of all races , the schoolchildren were mostly black and Latino , and they didn 't even approach Mister Rogers and ask him for his autograph . They just sang . They sang , all at once , all together , the song he sings at the start of his program , " Won 't You Be My Neighbor ? " and turned the clattering train into a single soft , runaway choir . HE FINDS ME , OF COURSE , AT PENN STATION . He finds me , because that 's what Mister Rogers does - he looks , and then he finds . I 'm standing against a wall , listening to a bunch of mooks from Long Island discuss the strange word - a foreign word - he has written down on each of the autographs he gave them . First mook : " He says it 's the Greek word for grace . " Second mook : " Huh . That 's cool . I 'm glad I know that . Now , what is grace ? " First mook : " Looks like you 're gonna have to break down and buy a dictionary . " Second mook : " What I 'm buying is a ticket to the Lotto . I just met Mister Rogers - this is definitely my lucky day . " I 'm listening to these guys when , from thirty feet away , I notice Mister Rogers looking around for someone and know , immediately , that he is looking for me . He is on one knee in front of a little girl who is hoarding , in her arms , a small stuffed animal , sky - blue , a bunny . " I thought so . " Then he turns back to the little girl . " This man 's name is Tom . When he was your age , he had a rabbit , too , and he loved it very much . Its name was Old Rabbit . What is yours named ? " The little girl eyes me suspiciously , and then Mister Rogers . She goes a little knock - kneed , directs a thumb toward her mouth . " Bunny Wunny , " she says . " Oh , that 's a nice name , " Mister Rogers says , and then goes to the Thirty - fourth Street escalator to climb it one last time for the cameras . When he reaches the street , he looks right at the lens , as he always does , and says , speaking of the Neighborhood , " Let 's go back to my place , " and then makes a right turn toward Seventh Avenue , except that this time he just keeps going , and suddenly Margy Whitmer is saying , " Where is Fred ? Where is Fred ? " and Fred , he 's a hundred yards away , in his sneakers and his purple sweater , and the only thing anyone sees of him is his gray head bobbing up and down amid all the other heads , the hundreds of them , the thousands , the millions , disappearing into the city and its swelter . ONCE UPON A TIME , a little boy with a big sword went into battle against Mister Rogers . Or maybe , if the truth be told , Mister Rogers went into battle against a little boy with a big sword , for Mister Rogers didn 't like the big sword . It was one of those swords that really isn 't a sword at all ; it was a big plastic contraption with lights and sound effects , and it was the kind of sword used in defense of the universe by the heroes of the television shows that the little boy liked to watch . The little boy with the big sword did not watch Mister Rogers . In fact , the little boy with the big sword didn 't know who Mister Rogers was , and so when Mister Rogers knelt down in front of him , the little boy with the big sword looked past him and through him , and when Mister Rogers said , " Oh , my , that 's a big sword you have , " the boy didn 't answer , and finally his mother got embarrassed and said , " Oh , honey , c ' mon , that 's Mister Rogers , " and felt his head for fever . Of course , she knew who Mister Rogers was , because she had grown up with him , and she knew that he was good for her son , and so now , with her little boy zombie - eyed under his blond bangs , she apologized , saying to Mister Rogers that she knew he was in a rush and that she knew he was here in Penn Station taping his program and that her son usually wasn 't like this , he was probably just tired … . Except that Mister Rogers wasn 't going anywhere . Yes , sure , he was taping , and right there , in Penn Station in New York City , were rings of other children wiggling in wait for him , but right now his patient gray eyes were fixed on the little boy with the big sword , and so he stayed there , on one knee , until the little boy 's eyes finally focused on Mister Rogers , and he said , " It 's not a sword ; it 's a death ray . " A death ray ! Oh , honey , Mommy knew you could do it … . And so now , encouraged , Mommy said , " Do you want to give Mister Rogers a hug , honey ? " But the boy was shaking his head no , and Mister Rogers was sneaking his face past the big sword and the armor of the little boWe were heading back to his apartment in a taxi when I asked him what he had said . HE WAS BARELY MORE THAN A BOY himself when he learned what he would be fighting for , and fighting against , for the rest of his life . He was in college . He was a music major at a small school in Florida and planning to go to seminary upon graduation . His name was Fred Rogers . He came home to Latrobe , Pennsylvania , once upon a time , and his parents , because they were wealthy , had bought something new for the corner room of their big redbrick house . It was a television . Fred turned it on , and as he says now , with plaintive distaste , " there were people throwing pies at one another . " He was the soft son of overprotective parents , but he believed , right then , that he was strong enough to enter into battle with that - that machine , that medium - and to wrestle with it until it yielded to him , until the ground touched by its blue shadow became hallowed and this thing called television came to be used " for the broadcasting of grace through the land . " It would not be easy , no - for in order to win such a battle , he would have to forbid himself the privilege of stopping , and whatever he did right he would have to repeat , as though he were already living in eternity . And so it was that the puppets he employed on The Children 's Corner would be the puppets he employed forty - four years later , and so it was that once he took off his jacket and his shoes … well , he was Mister Rogers for good . And even now , when he is producing only three weeks ' worth of new programs a year , he still winds up agonizing - agonizing - about whether to announce his theme as " Little and Big " or " Big and Little " and still makes only two edits per televised minute , because he doesn 't want his message to be determined by the cuts and splices in a piece of tape - to become , despite all his fierce coherence , " a message of fragmentation . " He is losing , of course . The revolution he started - a half hour a day , five days a week - it wasn 't enough , it didn 't spread , and so , forced to fight his battles alone , Mister Rogers is losing , as we all are losing . He is losing to it , to our twenty - four - hour - a - day pie fight , to the dizzying cut and the disorienting edit , to the message of fragmentation , to the flicker and pulse and shudder and strobe , to the constant , hivey drone of the electroculture … and yet still he fights , deathly afraid that the medium he chose is consuming the very things he tried to protect : childhood and silence . Yes , at seventy years old and 143 pounds , Mister Rogers still fights , and indeed , early this year , when television handed him its highest honor , he responded by telling television - gently , of course - to just shut up for once , and television listened . He had already won his third Daytime Emmy , and now he went onstage to accept Emmy 's Lifetime Achievement Award , and there , in front of all the soap - opera stars and talk - show sinceratrons , in front of all the jutting man - tanned jaws and jutting saltwater bosoms , he made his small bow and said into the microphone , " All of us have special ones who have loved us into being . Would you just take , along with me , ten seconds to think of the people who have helped you become who you are … . Ten seconds of silence . " And then he lifted his wrist , and looked at the audience , and looked at his watch , and said softly , " I 'll watch the time , " and there was , at first , a small whoop from the crowd , a giddy , strangled hiccup of laughter , as people realized that he wasn 't kidding , that Mister Rogers was not some convenient eunuch but rather a man , an authority figure who actually expected them to do what he asked … and so they did . One second , two seconds , three seconds … and now the jaws clenched , and the bosoms heaved , and the mascara ran , and the tears fell upon the beglittered gathering like rain leaking down a crystal chandelier , and Mister Rogers finally looked up from his watch and said , " MayONCE UPON A TIME , there was a little boy born blind , and so , defenseless in the world , he suffered the abuses of the defenseless , and when he grew up and became a man , he looked back and realized that he 'd had no childhood at all , and that if he were ever to have a childhood , he would have to start having it now , in his forties . So the first thing he did was rechristen himself " Joybubbles " ; the second thing he did was declare himself five years old forever ; and the third thing he did was make a pilgrimage to Pittsburgh , where the University of Pittsburgh 's Information Sciences Library keeps a Mister Rogers archive . It has all 865 programs , in both color and black and white , and for two months this past spring , Joybubbles went to the library every day for ten hours and watched the Neighborhood 's every episode , plus specials - or , since he is blind , listened to every episode , imagined every episode . Until one night , Mister Rogers came to him , in what he calls a visitation - " I was dreaming , but I was awake " - and offered to teach him how to pray . THE WALLS OF MISTER ROGERS ' neighborhood are light blue and fleeced with clouds . They are tall - as tall as the cinder - block walls they are designed to hide - and they encompass the Neighborhood 's entire stage set , from the flimsy yellow house where Mister Rogers comes to visit , to the closet where he finds his sweaters , to the Neighborhood of Make - Believe , where he goes to dream . The blue walls are the ends of the daylit universe he has made , and yet Mister Rogers can 't see them - or at least can 't know them - because he was born blind to color . He doesn 't know the color of his walls , and one day , when I caught him looking toward his painted skies , I asked him to tell me what color they are , and he said , " I imagine they 're blue , Tom . " Then he looked at me and smiled . " I imagine they 're blue . " He has spent thirty - one years imagining and reimagining those walls - the walls that have both penned him in and set him free . You would think it would be easy by now , being Mister Rogers ; you would think that one morning he would wake up and think , Okay , all I have to do is be nice for my allotted half hour today , and then I 'll just take the rest of the day off … . But no , Mister Rogers is a stubborn man , and so on the day I ask about the color of his sky , he has already gotten up at five - thirty , already prayed for those who have asked for his prayers , already read , already written , already swum , already weighed himself , already sent out cards for the birthdays he never forgets , already called any number of people who depend on him for comfort , already cried when he read the letter of a mother whose child was buried with a picture of Mister Rogers in his casket , already played for twenty minutes with an autistic boy who has come , with his father , all the way from Boise , Idaho , to meet him . The boy had never spoken , until one day he said , " X the Owl , " which is the name of one of Mister Rogers 's puppets , and he had never looked his father in the eye until one day his father had said , " Let 's go to the Neighborhood of Make - Believe , " and now the boy is speaking and reading , and the father has come to thank Mister Rogers for saving his son 's life … . And by this time , well , it 's nine - thirty in the morning , time for Mister Rogers to take off his jacket and his shoes and put on his sweater and his sneakers and start taping another visit to the Neighborhood . He writes all his own scripts , but on this day , when he receives a visit from Mrs . McFeely and a springer spaniel , she says that she has to bring the dog " back to his owner , " and Mister Rogers makes a face . The cameras stop , and he says , " I don 't like the word owner there . It 's not a good word . Let 's change it to ' bring the dog home . ' " And so the change is made , and the taping resumes , and this is how it goes all day , a life unfolding within a clasp of unfathomable govYes , it should be easy being Mister Rogers , but when four o ' clock rolls around , well , Mister Rogers is tired , and so he sneaks over to the piano and starts playing , with dexterous , pale fingers , the music that used to end a 1940s newsreel and that has now become the music he plays to signal to the cast and crew that a day 's taping has wrapped . On this day , however , he is premature by a considerable extent , and so Margy , who has been with Mister Rogers since 1983 - because nobody who works for Mister Rogers ever leaves the Neighborhood - comes running over , papers in hand , and says , " Not so fast there , buster . " And now Margy comes up behind him and massages his shoulders . " No , you 're not , " she says . " Roy Rogers is done . Mister Rogers still has a ways to go . " HE WAS A CHILD ONCE , TOO , and so one day I asked him if I could go with him back to Latrobe . He thought about it for a second , then said , by way of agreement , " Okay , then - tomorrow , Tom , I 'll show you childhood . " Not his childhood , mind you , or even a childhood - no , just " childhood . " And so the next morning , we swam together , and then he put on his boxer shorts and the dark socks , and the T - shirt , and the gray trousers , and the belt , and then the white dress shirt and the black bow tie and the gray suit jacket , and about two hours later we were pulling up to the big brick house on Weldon Street in Latrobe , and Mister Rogers was thinking about going inside . There was nobody home . The doors were open , unlocked , because the house was undergoing a renovation of some kind , but the owners were away , and Mister Rogers 's boyhood home was empty of everyone but workmen . " Do you think we can go in ? " he asked Bill Isler , president of Family Communications , the company that produces Mister Rogers ' Neighborhood . Bill had driven us there , and now , sitting behind the wheel of his red Grand Cherokee , he was full of remonstrance . " No ! " he said . " Fred , they 're not home . If we wanted to go into the house , we should have called first . Fred … " But Mister Rogers was out of the car , with his camera in his hand and his legs moving so fast that the material of his gray suit pants furled and unfurled around both of his skinny legs , like flags exploding in a breeze . And here , as he made his way through thickets of bewildered workmen - this skinny old man dressed in a gray suit and a bow tie , with his hands on his hips and his arms akimbo , like a dance instructor - there was some kind of wiggly jazz in his legs , and he went flying all around the outside of the house , pointing at windows , saying there was the room where he learned to play the piano , and there was the room where he saw the pie fight on a primitive television , and there was the room where his beloved father died … until finally we reached the front door . He put his hand on the knob ; he cracked it open , but then , with Bill Isler calling caution from the car , he said , " Maybe we shouldn 't go in . And all the people who made this house special to me are not here , anyway . They 're all in heaven . " And so we went to the graveyard . We were heading there all along , because Mister Rogers loves graveyards , and so as we took the long , straight road out of sad , fading Latrobe , you could still feel the speed in him , the hurry , as he mustered up a sad anticipation , and when we passed through the cemetery gates , he smiled as he said to Bill Isler , " The plot 's at the end of the yellow - brick road . " And so it was ; the asphalt ended , and then we began bouncing over a road of old blond bricks , until even that road ended , and we were parked in front of the place where Mister Rogers is to be buried . He got out of the car , and , moving as quickly as he had moved to the door of his house , he stepped up a small hill to the door of a large gray mausoleum , a huge structure built for six , with a slightly peaked roof , and bronze doors , and angels living in the stained glass . He peeked in the window , and in the same voice he uses on television , that voice , at once so patient and so eager , he pointed out each crypt , saying " There 's my father , and there 's my mother , and there , on the left , is my place , and right across will be Joanne . . . . " The window was of darkened glass , though , and so to see through it , we had to press our faces close against it , and where the glass had warped away from the frame of the door - where there was a finger - wide crack - Mister Rogers 's voice leaked into his grave , and came back to us as a soft , hollow echo . And then he was on the move again , happily , quickly , for he would not leave until he showed me all the places of all those who 'd loved him into being . His grandfather , his grandmother , his uncles , his aunts , his father - in - law and mother - in - law , even his family 's servants - he went to each grave , and spoke their names , and told their stories , until finally I headed back down to the Jeep and turned back around to see Mister Rogers standing high on a green dell , smiling among the stones . " And now if you don 't mind , " he said without a hint of shame or embarrassment , " I have to find a place to relieve myself , " and then off he went , this ecstatic ascetic , to take a proud piss in his corner of heaven . ONCE UPON A TIME , a man named Fred Rogers decided that he wanted to live in heaven . Heaven is the place where good people go when they die , but this man , Fred Rogers , didn 't want to go to heaven ; he wanted to live in heaven , here , now , in this world , and so one day , when he was talking about all the people he had loved in this life , he looked at me and said , " The connections we make in the course of a life - maybe that 's what heaven is , Tom . We make so many connections here on earth . Look at us - I 've just met you , but I 'm investing in who you are and who you will be , and I can 't help it . " The next afternoon , I went to his office in Pittsburgh . He was sitting on a couch , under a framed rendering of the Greek word for grace and a biblical phrase written in Hebrew that means " I am my beloved 's , and my beloved is mine . " A woman was with him , sitting in a big chair . Her name was Deb . She was very pretty . She had a long face and a dark blush to her skin . She had curls in her hair and stars at the centers of her eyes . She was a minister at Fred Rogers 's church . She spent much of her time tending to the sick and the dying . Fred Rogers loved her very much , and so , out of nowhere , he smiled and put his hand over hers . " Will you be with me when I die ? " he asked her , and when she said yes , he said , " Oh , thank you , my dear . " Then , with his hand still over hers and his eyes looking straight into hers , he said , " Deb , do you know what a great prayer you are ? Do you know that about yourself ? Your prayers are just wonderful . " Then he looked at me . I was sitting in a small chair by the door , and he said , " Tom , would you close the door , please ? " I closed the door and sat back down . " Thanks , my dear , " he said to me , then turned back to Deb . " Now , Deb , I 'd like to ask you a favor , " he said . " Would you lead us ? Would you lead us in prayer ? " Deb stiffened for a second , and she let out a breath , and her color got deeper . " Oh , I don 't know , Fred , " she said . " I don 't know if I want to put on a performance … . " Fred never stopped looking at her or let go of her hand . " It 's not a performance . It 's just a meeting of friends , " he said . He moved his hand from her wrist to her palm and extended his other hand to me . I took it and then put my hand around her free hand . His hand was warm , hers was cool , and we bowed our heads , and closed our eyes , and I heard Deb 's voice calling out for the grace of God . What is grace ? I 'm not certain ; all I know is that my heart felt like a spike , and then , in that room , it opened and felt like an umbrella . I had never prayed like that before , ever . I had always been a great prayer , a powerful one , but only fitfully , only out of guilt , only when fear and desperation drove me to it … and it hit me , right then , with my eyes closed , that this was the moment Fred Rogers - Mister Rogers - had been leading me to from the moment he answered the door of his apartment in his bathrobe and asked me about Old Rabbit . Once upon a time , you see , I lost something , and prayed to get it back , but when I lost it the second time , I didn 't , and now this was it , the missing word , the unuttered promise , the prayer I 'd been waiting to say a very long time . |
I want to ask you , my dear Philip , that you should please not disclose the name of that person who I relieved of his entanglement in Yedenitz , Basserabia , Roumania . In every family there are good people , and also bad ones . I don 't wish that the decent ancestors be burdened by the shame of those who are bad . Shlach lachmecho al pnai hamayim , is said by our people ; with the mitzvah , good deed that I took that man , his wife and children out of trouble , I had the great fortune to be rescued from lying in a forest , ninety per - cent dead , waiting to be thrown into a mass grave where all the dead and some of the living were being thrown . I can see the relationship between taking him out of his entanglements . He comes to me and asks me " What is wrong with you Asiu ? " . He tells his son T . " Go get the rucksack " , as I told you . He was like an angel from heaven come to rescue me from the Angel of Death , from that death . I had thought about how a person could change themselves so , and become a Bal Tchuva , a master of repentance , with a good heart , and with maasim toivim , good deeds . We were in Basserabia in Ataki , it was called . We were on a hill , and thrown into the water by the Transnistria . I was , with G - d 's help , thrown into the water up to my neck , and stood there that way while they threw big rocks at us ; they shot at us . Those people who remained standing on the hill , it was a steep slope ; many were able to stop themselves by grabbing almost anything , a piece of vegetation , and stopped mid - way down were pelted with rocks or shot . That 's how I survived ; by standing there the whole night ; until an angel of a general came along to see what what was going on . He asked " What 's going on here ? " He gave the order to halt immediately . He said in Romanian that nothing else should be done . He ordered rope to be brought to be thrown down to those who were still alive , who were hauled back up the slope . He had to continue along on his mission , with his army unit ; and we were left vulnerable again . Transports of train wagons full of people were brought Kchoile ayo , they kept bringing and bringing and bringing . There were many too , like us , who had been driven on foot , like sheep to the slaughter , to death . I began to see how they were taking many people away on wagons . From far away I could hear lots of shooting , and gevoldes , hysterical screaming . I knew it wasn 't good . They would take full wagons and these wagons would come back empty . " Oh " , I said , " You did the right thing , because they took my wagon and my horses ! " . So I ask him where he 's going . He replied that he was heading for such and such a place , and told me a story . I tell him a story too , and I see that as we 're riding along , not far from where we were , about two hours away , he stopped at a well to water his horses . There was a hollowed out tree , there . I looked up and saw another transport of about fifteen hundred people , some on wagons , mostly walking . I could see how they were being led up a hillside , it looked like preparation to stop for the night . I jumped in among these people ; he didn 't see me leave while he was watering the horses . These people were being led by , their names should be erased , Jewish police , one of whom had been appointed Captain . He was responsible for all these people , and if one person was missing he would be shot , and all his family would pay for it ; he was therefore obligated to see to it that all were accounted for . I made inquiries to see who this Captain was , who the President was , and asked where they were going . He replied that they were going to such and such a place , ending at a place called Ataki , which was the last border town before crossing the Dniester to Mogilev [ Ed . note : The Dniester River was the boundary to Ukraine ; Mogilev was place where a major work incentive was keeping many Jews alive . The work was centered at a foundry headed by an engineer named Jagendorf . ] On this side was Ataki , then the River Dniester , and Mogilev was on the other side . That 's why it was called Transnistria , which means across form there . There was no bridge there because the Russians , as they fled , blew up the bridge so that the Germans couldn 't easily cross . In spite of that the Germans were able to cross on temporary bridges and floats . Trucks and autos were able to cross to get the military across . I told this President what had been occurring there , how people were being led , and that he should do everything possible to resist going there . He started to make inquiries with the Romanian officers , and money was collected from all sides , form those who still had . At this point I had nothing , no money , nothing ; I had only my soul . I warned him to give what they could or face death . These officers were bought off , and we stayed there several days . It was asked " How long can we stay here ? We need to keep moving . " Where was there to go ; to our deaths ? Anyway , what happened there was that we started moving further back , and back ; money was given so that we wouldn 't move forward . We kept moving back and back . There troubles started , oh ! People fell like flies , from hunger and cold ; without shoes , without clothes , with nothing . How we survived that winter G - d only knows , only one G - d knows ! We were in the Ukraine , in Bershat . I remember a winter night that was so cold ! We were outside , in the lager , the concentration camp . It had been a kolchos , like a kibbutz , a collective farm . As I told you those people who had gold teeth were hunted to remove their teeth . Where else were we ? In Obidofka , I came into a house that was packed with people . I was told " You can 't be here ! " I asked why not and they asked " Where will you sleep ? " I asked to stay the night by standing by the door , because the floor was totally covered with people . I asked an elderly man to just stand at the door , just stand at the door . In the middle there was a pail , for those unfortunates who had to relieve themselves . Sick people ; they coughed and they sneezed . Here was a dead one , and there was a dead one , and G - d helped me to stay there all night . There were several guys that I knew from back home . One died , then the second one died , the third one died , and two or three . . . four , four of us remained . We came to this lager in Obidofka , where there were already more Jews , and the first winter was a very very bad , awful winter , very very bad , it was no good . BERSHAT Some said in Bershat it would be better . How to get to Bershat ? people conferred amongst us , and there was a very fine Yeed , Jewish man , he had been twine - weaver . He gave us the advise to get to Bershat , because there were more Jews there , and an obshine , a courtus gemein . It was long way to go , maybe two nights to get there . The way we got there , sick and weak ; and we had to get by their checks for the sickness called Typhus . We were already sick , and G - d helped us to get to Bershat . This was a new chapter : we came across a bridge there , and wherever we went no one would let us in . As we went along , we ran into three maidlach , young women . I heard them speaking in Russian , and one said something in Yiddish . I asked " Do you speak Yiddish ? " because we didn 't understand Russian . She says " Yes , we speak Yiddish . " We told them where we were coming from , and so on . One of them started to cry , and they started to speak in Russian . They led us to a Tsotsia , an Aunt , who was told who we were , where we were coming from etc . These young women started to beg their aunt . The men had been shot . There were no men left , only women . The begged to take us three boys in . She agreed to take us in , but not in our condition , because we were rife with lice . People were very wary of lice , because they carried Typhus . She led us into a house , terribly cold . She said " I have an empty house here , and you can make a fire here , but do not come into the other house . " She went up in the loft , went up to bring some clean clothes , underwear , and some pairs of pants , and a coat , and gave it to us . She brought water , and we bathed . We were like humans again . She brought us food . This one brought some food , and that one brought some food ; they were wonderful Jews there in the Ukraine , wonderful Jews . This was in Bershat ; dear Jews . We stayed there for some time , given food , and everything was O . K . In Obidofka we stayed quite a long time in a full house of people . A family from Czernovitz by the name of Bernstein was there ; a mother , a father , two sons and two daughters . The man was a carpenter . First this one died , then that one , and another and another . Near this house was a large shed . We went out and they showed us that this shed was full of dead people , all from that neighbourhood . Wagons went around to pick up these dead people . The wagons had sled blades in the winter . Dead people were thrown up like straw , hay . We stayed there , and there was no food . They had come from Czernovitz with a rucksack of items like clothes , shoes , shirts . This lager or concentration camp was comprised of Jewish houses where the men had been shot and the women remained . These wagon - sleds went by all the houses , and wherever there were dead people they were thrown up . After a while neither wagons nor sleds came , and what was to be done with all these corpses ? This very large shed was used for this purpose . I was with my dear friend Elie , who still lives in Montreal today , and I pray that he continues to live for many years . He has been in wheelchair for sixteen years now , and thankfully his mind works very well , and he worked on writing the Yizkor book with me . He helped me to remember the names of about seven hundred people in our Stetl ; we were like one family . I go to him weekly and see him . He is in his wheelchair and always happy to see me , and we remember all these things together . A very wonderful man , who has a beloved wife named Goldie . If not for her , he would long be in another world . She cares for him and prays to G - d that he remains alive for many long years . She works very hard with him . Four people come over to help ; take him into the bath , put him in bed and take him out . Money is paid , and they are not very rich people , bust she does what she can ; a soul made of gold . Elie and I were asked to go pick up dead people to place them in this shed . We were practically naked and barefoot , without much to wear . There wasn 't much to eat ; so people went to the fence that surrounded the camp . Non - Jews came there to sell things and the buy things like a good suit , a shirt , some shoes ; whatever anyone had could be sold for a piece of bread . For food , everything was given away . Instead of condiments , I brought back a Bit , sixteen kilos , of potatoes . I didn 't have the strength to carry all that , so I took Elie and brought these potatoes . We made a fire to cook up these potatoes . This is how we lived . Elie and others would ask " How are we going to live through this ? " Soon enough we didn 't have anything else to sell . The father , Mr . Bernstein became ill . A daughter came a kicked him to get him to go to work . He said " I cannot . I 'm sick ! " The son - in - law was a really fine man , he reproached her " Sabina , why use your feet ; don 't your hands work ? " He was telling her to hit her father . I had never seen or heard of anything like that in my life . He was lying on his deathbed and said to me " You know , take whatever you can of these items to sell . " He had a blouse , a jacket , a shirt , I don 't know what else from the valises and rucksack he had . I went out and brought a piece of bread , and I was able to also eat this way . G - d help him , after a time he died . His wife was very sorrowful . She had not realized how sick he was . We stayed there , and this is how we lived for a long long time . I would take the clothes off the dead people ; a pair of pants or a coat . One would have to be very careful for lice . One louse - bite could give you Typhus and kill you . One day we had a couple of pairs of pants . They were stained and Elie tried to clean them as best he could with a corncob , scrubbing and scrubbing them . We found a non - Jew who said he would give us cornmeal . We accompanied him into a far dorf , suburb , and he gave us a small sack of meal . We got back and how did we make a fire ? We stole a bit of wood from here and from there , a door or a window from abandoned houses . This is how we survived for a long long time . WORK G - d helped and Spring came . We were able to get a bit of work . One day they were looking for workers , so they took me , and Elie , and a few others to work for some Germans . My shirt was completely tattered ; I couldn 't where another because they were infested with lice . I had a pair of shoes that M . H . had given me . We were dragged to work for these Germans , and when they saw us they started cursing " We asked for workers , not stinking Gypsies . What are you bringing us ? Better to shoot them and get it over with . " Selner asks , because he didn 't know German , " Ches puniu ? What is he saying ? " So I said " He said that you should give us some clothes and feed us . " So he says " O . K . " , and they led us away from there , and when he returns he tells how the Germans had ordered clothing ( Laughs ) and food . The other one says " Food we have , but we have no clothing . " Well , we were satisfied with the bit of food they gave us . And we left . That 's how we survived , gestuchit , they say in Yiddish . They gave us food that time . Another time they came to look for people to work . Wherever they caught a man , he would be dragged off . They caught me one time , and Elie and dragged us away . They sent us to a lager in Roumania called Piutiora . What I saw in that lager was terrible , terrible . I cannot tell you the inhuman things that I saw . There was a kind of , I don 't know what you call it , it was so hard , and that is what was given to eat . I saw people eat other 's excrement . I was there two days , and ran away . I stood out on a field and didn 't know where I was . I didn 't know where I was . Should I go left or right ? When I got to that lager I went to every corner of it to see how I could escape , every corner . I got out at night , in the rain , under the barbed - wire . I lay there thinking " If they shoot me they shoot me . It probably would be better to be shot than to live such misery . I crawled out of there , and G - d helped me to get out of there . Another time I 'm not sure how I got into this , I was caught , and put up on a truck and taken , I remember to a place Czefirnofka , that I already told you about : it was horrible . I escaped from there too , and again found myself out in the countryside not knowing where I was going to or where I had come from . Germans came by and questioned me . I started to speak German telling them I was Russian deserter , and perhaps they could take me . These Germans took me on their truck ( laughs ) . I told them that I had family in Bershat , so they took out a map to see where Bershat was . " Oh ! " he says . " That is very far from here " . It was about a hundred or two hundred kilometers . So they took me part of the way . They had rifles and machine guns , and sat forward , and I sat at the back . I thought to myself " If I had one more guy with me , and maybe a bit more strength , I 'd grab a machine gun and shoot and kill them all . " But they treated me fine and took me a long way . They let me off at night , and I went to a non - Jew , a farmer , and asked him where Bershat was . As he told me how far Bershat was , and I saw a man sitting there , and it came to me that he must be a Jew because I heard him groan " Oi . . . " When I heard him groan " Oi " , I also gave a bit of a groan " Oi " . The non - Jew had given him food , and they gave me food too . I started to talk to this Jew to ask him how it had been for him . He began to tell about such and such , and how to get to Bershat . ( laughs ) Going to Bershat was like going to Israel . That man knew Polish , Ukrainian , and spoke with the farmer who made us a proposition . It would soon be spring , and he could use us to work around his farm . We promised to do anything , and stayed there for some time , helping him with his horses , his cows . JAIL All was going well , and I 'm not sure who turned us in , but we were caught again . It was Spring . That season , and the following summer was a very difficult time . We got put in jail in Tulchin , and we were sent from one place to another to work . We ran away again , and got caught again , and worked some more . I stayed with this man all the while . Sitting in this jail in Tulchin , other criminals were there too , non - Jews , who were brought food , but none for us . One morning when summer was just about over , a man came in who spoke a bit of Ukrainian , a bit of German , and asked " Jude , Jude , Jude ? ! " , asking who was a Jew . I raised my hand saying " I am a Jew , what would you like ? " I could have given him a crenk , a curse ( laughs ) . What money did I have ? I had nothing ! A handkerchief is what I had . So he took that handkerchief too . He said " Come ! " So I thought " I hope he takes me out to shoot me . " So I tell him that they 're not feeding me , I 'm dying of hunger . " What else would you want from me ? " It was a beautiful day , and he led me out of this jail . We went on a path behind this jail , and we walk and walk . All of a sudden there is very large ditch to cross , and a fence . The fence was locked with boards , so he says " Go over there to ask for food ! " I look through the boards and I see Jews standing there wearing Talaisim , prayer shawls , and praying outdoors . He repeats " Go , go ask for food . " I get across this ditch and approach these people saying " Yeeden , my fellow Jews , I 've been holed up in this jail for several days . Perhaps you could give me a bit of something to eat . " They say " Don 't you know that today is Yom Hakadosh " Yom . . . Kippur , the day of Atonement . . . [ Ed . note : Yom Kippur is the holiest of all the sacred days ion the Jewish calender , a day for strict observance of fasting ] . I did not know what day it was . . . Yom Kippur . The Jews started to confer amongst themselves , and this guard got agitated , standing there and waiting . " Come ! " he yells , and leads me back to jail . I lay there in that cell and cried so much . . . all day . In the evening I prayed every prayer that I knew by heart . I lay there crying and crying and crying . It got dark , and I heard the door opening , and yelling " Jude , Jude ! " " I am Jude ! " I said . I see something like a plate in his hand , covered with a towel , and he says " Come here and eat ! " I took this plate , and in the dark I could feel the touch of pieces of bread . I ate and cried , and ate some more . The next day I was sitting in this jail , and found that those on the outside had discovered that there were a few more Jews inside , and children as well , all sitting with me there in this jail . A guy come to the window , and I asked him to be taken out to go to the toilet . I was taken out , and all of a sudden , a soldier comes along , and brings a pail , covered with a cloth , with soup , you hear Philip . Soup , and a spoon , with pieces of bread . There was family there with a little girl , and a little boy , and we 're sitting there . One day and the next , and the third day ; they keep bringing this to us . I asked a soldier to go over to this Jewish settlement and give them a slip of paper . " Give them a note , and you 'll be paid . " He agreed to go the next day . Next day I saw him at the window , so I asked him for some paper , and a pen , and told him " You 'll see ! You 'll get paid for this ! " So he says " O . K . " He brought some paper , and a pencil , and I wrote that they had brought more Jews in and by this time there were about twenty - five Jews in there . They had been told that they were going to be sent to Piutiora . Oi vey ! Oh my ! I told them to be careful to not fall into that place because it means death . " To death ; you must not go there . " They started to cry , and I wrote , that there are so many of us here in jail , so many kids , and they started to bring us food . We continued to sit there until suddenly people started to get dragged away . From this community , there had been given heavy bribes . It became known that the food that had been sent was paid for with hidden diamonds . . . I can 't talk because I start to cry . . . diamonds were given so that I could have a bit to eat . . . This is how we lived there . I got away from there when we were taken out to work . I ran away , and ended up in Tulchin . I was in lager there when I found out exactly what had happened : the Jews had given money to the local authority . I told the locals that those people who remained in that jail were destined for Piutiora , and money was collected to buy them out . If I had not been able to say precisely where to find these people they would have been taken to their deaths ; simply to their deaths . What happened to them after that I don 't know . After that I was caught again and again . G - d helped me to get through the following winter , which was 1942 . The following year 1943 was the year I ended up in Bershat , where those girls helped to get us clothed , and everything was fine and good . Once an order came , that all the dwellings that we inhabited were going to be commandeered . We were all to be evacuated , and everything that we had was taken . If there was a pillow it was taken , so we had to sleep on bare planks . These thieves got up in the loft and stole everything ! These people living there were sweet people , they had warmed water for our baths , given us clean clothes when we were sick ; and had everything stolen from them . These civilians , Ukrainians , stole from everybody . I got very sick with Typhus . I had a pullover that was lice - infested ; it was so cold , and the window was broken , so I stuffed the window with this pullover , and I found myself talking to the lice " You 'll all freeze . I 'll show you yet ; you 'll freeze . " I was terribly hungry . There was one little sack of garlic , and if not for that garlic , I 'd be dead today . I ate this garlic , and felt a sweat come over me . It was cold in the house by I got so hot that sweat poured off me from this garlic . It was the only thing to eat . She said " Children , I cannot help you . Everything has been taken from us . " I got so awfully sick with this Typhus . I lay there and lay there . Somehow this woman brought us something every day . She brought a bit of soup . . . OUR GOLDEN POTEventually I started coming back to my old self , and began to go out to work . Work was found here and there . Spring came and I 'd go to farmers to beg if I could do something for them . One agreed to have me start on some digging . Where did I have the strength to dig ? I don 't know , but I did , and helped him out in the fields too . Summer came and it was brighter . I went out with a guy ; there was a family by the name of Shtadler , and he knew the language . " The mayor here has said that he could use some people for work in the forest . " There were two - man saws to cut the trees . Now , during this time I had found Elie in Bershat . I took him as a partner to work with Shtadler . He had two daughters , one 's name was Rose , and I forget the other 's . He had a son who also came to the woods . The job was to cut trees and chop off the branches , and our pay was as much wood as we could carry out on our shoulders . I was barefoot , and we worked hard . It was six or seven kilometers back to Bershat , and we 'd carry this wood back to town to sell it , let 's say for a bread . As soon as I got my hands on this bread I ate it ! When we got back to the woods in the morning I was hungry again ! My leg got infected . I had been hit with the butt end of a rifle , and pus had formed . My leg got swollen . There was a Dr . Menchler there from Ciudin who I went to see . " Dr . , what can I do here ? He said " You need good air , lots of rest and good food . " I replied " Herr Dr . , I had plenty of air ( laughs ) ; I work in the woods and I have an excellent appetite , but I have no food , and I cannot rest . " " How can I help you my dear Moses ? Maybe you can help me ? " One day carrying wood in the forest , my foot hit a rock . My ankle was badly twisted , and I couldn 't walk . I took some rope , and bound it tightly , and continued along . I heard a snap ! My foot was back in place ! We worked for quite a bit of time like that in the woods . One day I told Elie " I am sorry but I won 't be returning to Bershat . I will be staying here . " I saw that when the non - Jewish farmers went home to , it was like a kibbutz , a collective farm , leftover from the Russians . Having been what they call a yingle frum dem dorf , a child of the town , I knew about how things grew . I went out at night , at that time I saw the leaves of the potato plants starting to get full . I got very tiny potatoes , very young but excellent . I told Elie to bring me a pot if he could , and a bit of salt . After quite some time like this I felt like a mensch , a human being , again . Since I couldn 't carry wood anymore , I sought another way to make a living . At the beginning , there was a well , a very deep one , but there was no string or chain to pull out the water . The well was very deep , built up with rocks , all the way down . I had a string for a belt on my pants , so when the farmers arrived I asked them for a bottle . They asked " Where are you going to get water ? " " Give me your bottle " I replied . I got a bottle from this one , and a bottle from that one , and started making trips , with bottles tied to my sides . I crawled down these rocks to the bottom , and the water down there was a cold as from today 's fridgidaires , cold and fresh . I brought it up , and they loved it ! They ate there , a piece of bread , a piece of pork , a bit of onion . They would give me bits of this to eat , and I was simply overjoyed , and satisfied . Elie had brought me a pot that had a hole on one side ( laughs ) . " No problem ! " I took a bit of cloth to bind the hole , set it on its side a bit , put it on the fire filled with fresh water a little potatoes , and made a soup that Elie was so happy with ! Later there were beans , and this pot was our golden pot ! We needed spoons . So he brought spoons from somewhere . I always kept this spoon with me . If others were cooking something , I could take out my spoon and ask for a taste . Elie also had his spoon , and this is how we lived . My foot however got really swollen , and I could see that I must do something . On one side of the forest there was a small stream . The were many herbs growing . I sat down next to this steam on a nice day and put my foot up on a rock . I had others help me to pack the foot up on all sides with these herbs . This is how I healed myself . One day about a half - dozen Russians arrived , partisans . The Germans were more afraid of these partisans than the front itself . They would ambush trucks , kill the Germans , and steal their arms . They would don the uniforms of the officers to hoodwink others . They were very feared . One of these fellows spoke to me in Russian . I had picked up a bit of Russian , and told him about the lager , the camp in Bershat , and so on . " Listen here " , he says " I 'd like to send this with you to my wife in Bershat . If you betray me , I 'll cut out you tongue with this knife . " He gave me a letter with an address I learned off by heart . I took some branches to sell in town . By this time I had papers to go back and forth to the forest . I came in to town to inquire about this woman . I found her and gave her the letter . In return she gave me a pair of pants , and a coat , perhaps a shirt too as I remember , and gave me a letter to return . He was very happy to receive a reply from his wife . I 'm not sure , maybe he had children there too . He had been made a partisan by the Russians . He watched troop movements , counted armies , bombed trains . These partisans did tremendous work there . After a few times I didn 't see him again . When fall came I returned to town . When they saw me they called me " Tavo " . I had a long beard and looked completely different . I now had to find another way to earn a living . I figured that a good way to get by was to learn how to be a barber . I went to the local barber to see if I could by a razor . I had no money , but agreed to a kind of a mortgage ( laughs ) ; to pay a little weekly from my earnings . I got razor , and a belt to sharpen it , and something to stop bleeding if there was a cut . I took Elie aside and told him " If I am going to be a barber , I need to learn how . " Poor Elie got lathered up , and by the time I was finished with him , his face was sliced up . " You 'll see " I told him , " You 'll eat bread yet ! " A day later I asked him to sit down for another session . " Not today , please wait a day or two . " I cut him up again ! I went out into the country , and saw a farmer sitting on a log . " Parik - macher ? Barber ? " he asked . " Yes . Parik - macher . " He led me into a dim little house , a sits down . He had a small mirror . Soon blood started to run from either side . In this dim light I could see that it wasn 't working too well , and he could too , in his mirror . " The light is no good " I said . We went out out into the sunlight . I was lucky to have this thing to stop bleeding , and that he was a very patient person . I shaved him , and washed him up , stopped the bleeding . He gave me half a bread , some onions , some pork . In went up to town to give some to Elie , and to the person I had loaned the razor from . I have lived through so much . What we went through in Russia ; the first year , the second year , the third year . We survived terror , and it is honestly a miracle that I am still here , alive , to tell all these things that took place . What you see on " Schindler 's List " is only a portion : but this is not to be told . People , a normal person , if you tell them this , they would tell you that this is a story that could never be . There was nothing good , only bad . . . bad , bad . Our enemies , Emach Shmo , may the Lord erase there names , were awful bandits who murdered our Folk , our people . Even today there are enough enemies who hate Jews all over the world . Look at what is going on in Europe , in Russia , all over the world . There aren 't any Jews left there and they still hate us . I am not a young man anymore . I am a Gibor , a strong man , over eighty years already , and G - d should help us all to be healthy ; and that I should live many more years . As long as I stay alive , I will do my best to tell you the story . The years pass quickly , and I tell myself that as long as I am healthy enough to remember all this ; thank G - d , I wrote the Yiskor book , and remembered all the names of the people in our Stetl , little village , as if they were my own family . I wrote them all , and sent all the names in to Yad Vashem in Jerusalem . Osias and Ruthie later ended up in the lager called Moghilev . I arrived in Moghilev in September 1943 , where I re - joined Osias and Ruthie , and Harry Held ( son of my sister Dora who died of Typhus in Moghilev ) . Other lagers I was taken to were Jmerinka , Tulcin , Jabokritz , and the Piciodora death camp . We passed through many places : Marculessti , Jampol , Krijopol , Jaboknita , Obodowkra , Chertfinovka , and many others , too many to remember . Netty 's family at that time were still in her birth - place Radautz , in the south of Bucovina . Radauti was 60 kilometers from Czernovits , the capital of Bucovina , and 44 kilometers from Ciudin . Her family was deported on October 12 , 1941 . They arrived in Transnistria to a place called Jabocritz one month later . They were hidden until 1944 when they were liberated by the Russian army . We travelled to Paris , France , and stayed there until August 1951 . We came to Canada on August 17 , 1951 and have been in Montreal since then . With G - ds help we will be there for many more years . I read through their names as if I were walking now among their graves in a cemetery . Here they lie ! Our mothers and fathers , sisters and brothers and their children , grandfathers and grandmothers , men and women , boys and girls , shot to death , burned , burned , slaughtered , smothered , buried alive . Through your images I relive your fates . |
Javascript must be enabled in order to use several pages found on Fold3 . You will need to enable JavaScript by changing your browser options . Learn how to enable it . In the month of June 1944 I got my invitation to go to Providence , R . I . and take an examination to see if I was fit for military service . After I had my examination they said I would be called into the army within three months . Three months passed and I didn 't hear from them , and I started to think that they had forgotten me . But , I had no such luck . It was a long ride and we landed there at 9 : 30 that night . When we came in sight of the camp lights , the bus driver yelled out " Well , there 's your new home boys " , and I felt like hitting him over the head with a crank . We got off the bus in front of a great long building and after calling our names out for the fifth time that day , we were sent into the building by a corporal with a black eye . When I spotted him with the black eye I sure thought I was in a tough place . I didn 't like it a damn bit either . The next morning we were woke up by a sergeant that let out a yell that could be heard for a mile . I got up and went downstairs to the latrine to wash and shave with the new tools that they had given me as yet it was still dark out , and I wasn 't used to this kind of monkey business . Shortly we were called out , and had our names called off again , after which we were marched over to the mess hall . It was a large hall with nothing but tables and benches . I followed the line and picked up a tray and fork spoon and knife . The spoon was the size of a table spoon like we have back home . I followed the rest of the boys around the counter where German prisoners slapped all kinds of breakfast foods on the trays . That was the first time I ever saw a German prisoner so I looked them over pretty well before I left . On my way out I followed the line out through another door where another prisoner took our trays to be washed . Well , I didn 't know what was going to happen next so I went back to my barracks , where we were put to work sweeping and washing the barracks floor , right then was when I really missed my wife . After we were taken around to the movie where we got a speech from the chaplain and a few other officers . I cant remember just what else we did that day except for getting a couple of shots that scared me to death . Two days passed and we were taken to another long building which looked like a store room . We had to strip naked at the first end of the building and then we went down the aisle where they threw clothes into a basket which we had . Well , when we came out the other end of the building we had a full dress uniform on and a full duffle bag over our shoulders . Finally after seven days we were loaded on a train where there was a band playing for us and took off . Where ? We didn 't know for the present but after we traveled for a day the sergeant in charge told us we were going to Alabama . Fifteen weeks of hell I spent in Fort McCullen , Alabama , and then came the day for us to go home on a ten day furlough , and a very happy day it was . We left for home at eleven O ' clock in the morning and I walked in my door at eight O ' clock the next night . The ten days went by very quickly and soon I found myself on a train heading for Fort Meade , Maryland . We landed there at twelve O ' clock the next day and were fed first of all . I was there seven days , which was long enough for me to get a weekend pass . They wouldn 't give me a pass to go home on , but I made one myself and headed for home . I got held up for three hours in New York but finally I pulled into Providence , Rhode Island at five O ' clock Sunday morning . I couldn 't get a bus for Pascoag until nine O ' clock so I went to my sister - in - laws house and got them to take me home . I got home at nine O ' clock Sunday morning and spent a very short day with my family . At six O ' clock that night I had to leave for Fort Meade again . I left my wife at the depot in Providence and boarded a train . That was the last time I saw her seven months ago . We were sent from Fort Meade Maryland to Camp Stoneman , California . It took us six days to make the trip . We stayed in that camp for nine days and then we were loaded onto a ship . It was a big white ship by the name of U . S . S Walter Reed or something like that . We went by the island where Alcatraz prison was and by then we went under the golden gate . It seemed as if they closed a big door in our faces when the big gate slowly went out of sight . We traveled for thirty days over the Pacific Ocean before we landed in Manila Bay in the Philippine Islands . We passed a number of islands and places such as Guater Canal and other places I can 't remember . We stayed on the boat for two days in the harbor before we were taken ashore . When we got ashore they loaded us into a bunch of box cars , we stayed in those box cars for three hours and ate K - rations for dinner . We finally started our way through the city of Manila . We traveled in those slow moving box cars for twenty miles . We got off the train in a small town called Alabang and walked from there to the first depot which was a mile . It was so hot that our steel helmets would burn us if we touched it and I aint kidding . Anybody that has been in the Philippines will tell the same story . We got into the camp and we were put into our tents where we were to stay while in that camp . We stayed there for two weeks working most of the time . One afternoon we were marched down to Alabang where we got off the train on our way in and boarded another train . This one had a top on it but it wouldn 't hold water . We traveled all night and it rained enough to get us all wet . We got off the train in a town called San Fernando at six O ' clock the next morning . We hung around there until eleven O ' clock that morning and then we were loaded onto trucks and taken on a wild ride over the mountains of Lugon . I never saw so much dust in all my life , and most of it was on me . It took around eight hours to get to the camp where we were going . That was when I joined Co . A - 1st Inf . Of the 6th Army which I am still part of . We were assigned to a platoon and also a tent where we were to stay . They asked me which weapon i liked the best and I told them I would rather use the M . I . Army rifle so I was put into a rifle squad . We stayed there for a couple of weeks and then came an order for us to get ready to go up in the hills where the fighting was going on . I was kind of nervous at the thought but still I wanted to see for myself whatIt was the first part of July when we were loaded into trucks and started our journey up into the hills . We traveled over very bad roads for about seventy miles and then the road was too bad to be traveled by trucks . We got off the trucks and put on our packs with ammunition for our rifles and hand grenades . There was a steep hill we had to climb before we could get on the trail again . It was hot as all merry hell that day and our clothes were pretty well soaked through before we got half way up the hill . I finally made the damn hill and took off my pack , steel helmet and laid my rifle on the top of the pack . My legs where pretty well done in by then so I just sat down and let them rest . My buddy however was carrying a B . A . R . and belt full of ammunition which was plenty heavy . He was still down near the bottom of the hill when I reached the top . I got rested up a little and took off down the hill again to help my buddy lug his load . I took his B . A . R . Gun from him and he had the ammunition . We both made it that time . Some of the others that had reached the top before us had started down the road but we sat around and rested a little more . After sitting beside the road a while and eating a C - ration we started after the others . We walked slowly for a mile or more before we came to a ridge where some men were dug in . We were sent to the further end of the ridge where we dug in . that was the first fox hold I dug since my basic training . The ground was damn hard so we only made a slit trench deep enough to cover us lying down . After we got our holes dug , we spread our ponchos over the top to keep out the rain and sun . Well , I could smell a very bad odor , something like an old dead horse that had been dead for a week , only the smell was much stronger . I decided to look around to see what stunk so much . Down the bank a ways I saw two dead Japs that had been killed a few days before and the hot sun sure brought out the odor . Those where the second Japs that I had seen dead . My appetite was gone then , but I soon go hungry enough , so I ate a little of C - ration . After a while , darkness came so we crawled into our holes to see if we could get some sleep . We each took turns going on guard , and I took my guard once and then settled down to get some sleep . About an hour later I was awoken by a machine gun firing very close to my hole . I was awake in a split second and grabbed for my rifle . By that time every weapon in the company was going and it really sounded like war for a half an hour . Hand grenades were going off and bullets were singing over my hole . I was scared as hell but I just laid there with my rifle cocked and watched for something to move . It was dark as hell then and I could only see the silhouette of a bush and trees in front of me . I didn 't see anything however while all the shooting was going on . The firing stopped after a while and everything was quiet . In a few minutes I was sound asleep again . The next morning we crawled out of our holes and started to find some C - rations to make our breakfast . After we had eaten we packed our equipment and was ready to move out . They told us we had to go as far as the river which we could see down in the valley . It was only a mile away from where we were but we had to go around by the trail , so we pulled out at nine o ' clock and started on our way . We walked along the trail which was about wide enough for one car . There was plenty of mud along the trail but we went on until we came to some Jap trucks and bicycles which were along the trail . We first saw a lot of human bones and skulls laying along the trail , but after a short distance we saw dead japs everywhere that had only been dea for a day or so . Every hole and every crook in the trail we saw dead Japs . We went on a little further and I could smell something that almost made me sick . We rounded a bend and there was a Jap truck in the road . Around the windshield and on it was all black . I couldn 't make out what it was at first but soon I found out when I got a little closer . The black that was on the windshield turned out to be millions of blow flies , and great maggots about an inch long . Curiosity got the best of me and I stopped for a minute to look at a sight which I had never dreamed of even in my worst nightmare . Some of the boys I could see just turned their heads when they passed and looked the other way . We saw many more Japs lying along the trail , but none of them were like this one . We traveled on a little further and met some spear men coming down the trail carrying a littler on their shoulders which held and American soldier with a bandaged leg and head . There was another G . I . with them who had a bloody bandage on his hand . A short distance away we could hear rifle fire , both M . M 's and Jap rifles . We could tell a Jap rifle by the sound of it firing . It sounded like a 22 caliber rifle that we have back home , where our Army rifle makes a big noise . We didn 't bother with that because we were given orders to clear the trail and the firing came from up on a hill . We went around another bend and saw two more Japs lying in the road with blood running from them . They where only kids about the age of fifteen . Their packs and clothes were all ripped apart by the GI 's who had shot them . Souvenirs ' is what they were looking for . We went on past an old grass shack that had radios sets in it that was worth a lot of dough . By that time we had traveled six miles , we went on about a mile or so when we heard firing a short distance from us . It was a B . A . R that was doing the firing . An officer went back to see what was up and when he returned he said that the men in the rear of the company had found three Jap men and a woman in one of the grass shacks . I won 't say what they were doing but I think you can guess . The boys had kicked the door open and saw them inside , without hesitating a minute one of the GI 's opened up with his B . A . R and shot both the Jap men and the woman . We never take chances with the Japs because they could walk out with their hands up and have a hand grenade in their pocket with the pin pulled . They would blow themselves up and us to if they got close enough . We went along the road for about two miles when we came to a bunch of trucks that had machine shops in the back of the trucks . There were lathes and press drills and everything else that you would find in a machine shop . There were a few dead Japs lying in the trucks and around on the ground . By this time we were pretty well out of water and I sure was thirsty . We went a little way further and there was a nice cool mountain stream . We filled our canteens and I drank some without putting any halazone to purify it . A few days later I found out that there was two dead japs lying right in the water that I had been drinking . We reached the river and set up camp . We stayed there three days and went swimming in the river . We got orders to move out on the third day , so we packed and got ready to go . We headed across the river and wen we were all on the other side a spearman came up to us and said " there are some Japs up the road a little further " . We went up the road with the spearman with us to show us where the Japs were . We got to the place where he said the Japs where and we circled the place and sneaked into the huts . It looked like there had been quite a few Japs around there , but we only found two of them . One was dead and the other was wounded by a spearman . The dead Jap was covered with blood from his waist down and it wasn 't even dried so I don 't think he had been dead long . They bandaged up the wounded Jap and put him on a litter and sent him back to the river . From there we marched about three miles where we made cap along the road . We had to stay there for a road block . The first night at about eleven o ' clock the guard opened up with the machine gun . I didn 't think there was anything out there , but the next morning we found a Japs rifle with a bayonet on it lying in the road about twenty feet from where we slept . A bullet had hit the rifle and knocked it out of the Japs hands , but there wasn 't a sign of any Japs anywhere . I don 't know how he ever got away , but he did . We stayed there five days and then we moved back to the river and from there we went back to our base camp near Bagabag . We were there six days and on the sixth night we came in from the movies and they told us to be ready to move out at eight o ' clock the next morning . There was a lot of trouble up in the hills and we had to go up and help . We got up in the hills the next afternoon and stayed in one place for a week or so . When we got to the place one of the boys saw a Jap crawling over the next hill . He shot him and that 's all we saw while we were at that place , but we did hear a lot of shooting up the road aways . We left there in trucks and went about fifty miles up further where we got off the trucks and walked a short ways to Bonarie , where we camped that night . It rained just before we got there and we were all soaking wet . We put up our shelters and after eating some C - rations and tried to get some sleep , but it was so cold that I dint get much sleep . The next morning at about eight o ' clock we pulled out and followed a foot path for about nine miles through the hills . We came to a river where we met some spearmen with five litters with GI 's on them , Three of them where dad and two were wounded . That didn 't make me feel and better seeing that . We crossed the river on two poles that was put there for a bridge . Then we went along some nice patties until we came to some grass huts that were sitting up on some poles . There we rested up a little and filled our canteens with some water that was coming from a rice patty . We left there and started our climb up the mountain side . Our objective was the top of that mountain where K - company was . We started up the mountain , most of the time we had to pull ourselves up by getting hold of trees and brush . That was about the steepest hill I had ever climbed . We got to the top that night just before dark and dug in on the top of the mountain . A couple of days after we got there we got news that the war may be over in two days , wo we didn 't make any pushes then . We were waiting to see if the war would end . Two days later they said that the war had ended . None of the boys hollered or fired their weapons into the air like I thought tey would , they just stood around with big smiles from ear to ear . Everybody was pretty happy then and started to make plans for going home . We ate ten in one rations while we were on the mountain . Our rations were brought to us by plane , and dumped out from the air . Well , the war was over and we were wondering how long it would be before we would go back to our camp near Bagabad . Two days after the end of the war we were to move out . While we were there we didn 't have any attacks , so I guess the Japs were waiting for the war to end too . We did see a few Japs down in the valley , but they were so far that we couldn 't hit them with our rifles . A short way from where we were on another hill there was a machine gun mist that was firing on some spearmen that was coming up to where we were . One of the boys knocked out the Japs machine gun with one of our machine guns and that 's about all that happened while we were there . The day came when it was time for us to leave for camp , so we started down the mountain around noon time . We came to the river that we had crossed coming up , but the bridge was mashed out . We waded across by hanging onto a rope that had been strung across and tied onto a tree . We got back to Banawie at the same place where we spent the night on our way up at six o ' clock that night . We expected to see trucks there waiting for us but no such luck . We spent two nights there and on the third morning trucks came to bring us back . We got back to the camp that night and had a good supper and good night 's sleep . Well , we didn 't have anything to do so the made us put in sand sidewalks and such stiff as that to keep us busy . After a couple of weeks of this they made us train in the mornings until we got ready to move to our next place in the Lingazon Gulf . It was about two months before we left there to go down to the beach in the Lingazon Gulf . We got on trucks at seven o ' clock one night and started our trip . We rode all night and landed on the beach the next morning at eight o ' clock . We had breakfast and started to put our tents up . We stayed there about six weeks before it was time for us to get on a truck and go to Korea . We had a little training while we were there . We left the Philippine islands on October 18th and headed for Korea . It took us six days to reach Korea . We got off the boat and waited in the town all day before we got on a train and headed for Andong . We loaded the train about for o ' clock in the afternoon and got off the Andong the next night at nine o ' clock . We spent three days in a building there and then we got on trucks and came to Niasong where I am now , waiting to go home , in six weeks . We are going back to Andong within a week from now and from there , ( who knows ) . I was close to my Grandfather , most of my childhood he lived with us in a room adjacent to mine . I spent years listening to some of his stories . You see , gramp ( as we kids called him ) was for the most part a quiet person , but when he spoke , needless to say it was always interesting . I remember sitting up with him nights watching movies , we never talked much , but I always knew I was in good company . He moved into his own place when I got to be about 15 and by the time I was 18 I was living in the apartment adjacent to his . I believe it was that short 6 months we lived in that duplex that I got him to tell me more and more stories . We took all of his reel to reel home movies and played them on a screen and I videotaped it with my video cassette recorder . Gramp had hours of black and white home videos and we spent a lot of time recording them onto VCR . I learned a lot about my family from him during that time , but it was just before his death in 1996 that I learned the most interesting part . You see gramp became ill and was no longer able to live alone . He moved in with my parents so they could care for him . Late in 1995 the family decided to clean out his apartment and get rid of a bunch of stuff , some things where thrown out , some things given to family members and some things kept safe . I was appointed by my father to make sure none of the family gave my aunt , whom was left in charge of his estate , any trouble . I really didn 't want to be there , I could care less about material belongings , I cared more about my grandfather , but my dad asked me to be there to watch over his sister , so I went . While watching them clean and fill trash bags full of stuff , I noticed a black book get tossed into a large trash bag . This book looked interesting to me , it appeared to be an old style ledger of a sort , you know the type that had a semi - hard cover that was black and cloth . The book was thin , but had lined paper inside and what appeared to be penciled in handwriting . Needless to say I volunteered to take that bag out to the duGramp never talked to me about his military career , I knew he was in WWII and in the army , I even heard rumor that he was in the Philippines at the time , but he never told me about it . I read on and was astonished to find that it was a diary and firsthand account written in January of 1946 by my grandfather and depicts his 15 month journey during WWII . After enjoying the read , I typed out word for word ( even misspelled words ) the entire story , printed out copies for each of his kids ( and one for myself ) then I sealed the book in plastic and put it away where it still is to this day . In 1997 I moved with my wife and kids to Georgia , before leaving we spent the day at my parent 's house and I got to say goodbye to my grandfather . Being as he was , he really didn 't like the goodbye thing , so he tried like hell to avoid it by falling asleep about ½ hour before we were supposed to leave . He stayed sleeping for 2 hours , but I wasn 't letting him off the hook . We postponed our road trip that few hours and waited for him to wake . When he woke he looked right at me and said " are you still here " of course I told him I wasn 't letting him off the hook that easy . I spent about an hour with him then I got up to leave , instinctively I looked at him and said " well , I 'll see ya later " and he responded " No you wont , you know you wont " . On July 3rd we arrived at my uncle and aunt 's house in Clarkesville G . A . where we stayed for about a week or so until we found ourselves a home . As soon as we got settled in and got the phone turned on I called to talk to my grandfather . He was getting sicker and sicker each day , I called every day at about 5 : 10pm when I got home from work , I got off work at 5 and only lived around the corner , so as soon as I got in I would call and talk to my parents and Gramp . One day I called and my mom answered the phone . I asked " How 's he doin " Mom told me he wasn 't doing too good , that there was not much time left . I could hear her on the phone talking to him " dad , hey dad , Roy 's on troysmith407218 11 Dec 2012 I miss the way you called me kid , even after I grew and had a child of my own . I miss your occasional joke and wise crack , but most of all I miss your love , your wisdom and your guidance . I love you grandpa . |
Javascript must be enabled in order to use several pages found on Fold3 . You will need to enable JavaScript by changing your browser options . Learn how to enable it . In the month of June 1944 I got my invitation to go to Providence , R . I . and take an examination to see if I was fit for military service . After I had my examination they said I would be called into the army within three months . Three months passed and I didn 't hear from them , and I started to think that they had forgotten me . But , I had no such luck . It was a long ride and we landed there at 9 : 30 that night . When we came in sight of the camp lights , the bus driver yelled out " Well , there 's your new home boys " , and I felt like hitting him over the head with a crank . We got off the bus in front of a great long building and after calling our names out for the fifth time that day , we were sent into the building by a corporal with a black eye . When I spotted him with the black eye I sure thought I was in a tough place . I didn 't like it a damn bit either . The next morning we were woke up by a sergeant that let out a yell that could be heard for a mile . I got up and went downstairs to the latrine to wash and shave with the new tools that they had given me as yet it was still dark out , and I wasn 't used to this kind of monkey business . Shortly we were called out , and had our names called off again , after which we were marched over to the mess hall . It was a large hall with nothing but tables and benches . I followed the line and picked up a tray and fork spoon and knife . The spoon was the size of a table spoon like we have back home . I followed the rest of the boys around the counter where German prisoners slapped all kinds of breakfast foods on the trays . That was the first time I ever saw a German prisoner so I looked them over pretty well before I left . On my way out I followed the line out through another door where another prisoner took our trays to be washed . Well , I didn 't know what was going to happen next so I went back to my barracks , where we were put to work sweeping and washing the barracks floor , right then was when I really missed my wife . After we were taken around to the movie where we got a speech from the chaplain and a few other officers . I cant remember just what else we did that day except for getting a couple of shots that scared me to death . Two days passed and we were taken to another long building which looked like a store room . We had to strip naked at the first end of the building and then we went down the aisle where they threw clothes into a basket which we had . Well , when we came out the other end of the building we had a full dress uniform on and a full duffle bag over our shoulders . Finally after seven days we were loaded on a train where there was a band playing for us and took off . Where ? We didn 't know for the present but after we traveled for a day the sergeant in charge told us we were going to Alabama . Fifteen weeks of hell I spent in Fort McCullen , Alabama , and then came the day for us to go home on a ten day furlough , and a very happy day it was . We left for home at eleven O ' clock in the morning and I walked in my door at eight O ' clock the next night . The ten days went by very quickly and soon I found myself on a train heading for Fort Meade , Maryland . We landed there at twelve O ' clock the next day and were fed first of all . I was there seven days , which was long enough for me to get a weekend pass . They wouldn 't give me a pass to go home on , but I made one myself and headed for home . I got held up for three hours in New York but finally I pulled into Providence , Rhode Island at five O ' clock Sunday morning . I couldn 't get a bus for Pascoag until nine O ' clock so I went to my sister - in - laws house and got them to take me home . I got home at nine O ' clock Sunday morning and spent a very short day with my family . At six O ' clock that night I had to leave for Fort Meade again . I left my wife at the depot in Providence and boarded a train . That was the last time I saw her seven months ago . We were sent from Fort Meade Maryland to Camp Stoneman , California . It took us six days to make the trip . We stayed in that camp for nine days and then we were loaded onto a ship . It was a big white ship by the name of U . S . S Walter Reed or something like that . We went by the island where Alcatraz prison was and by then we went under the golden gate . It seemed as if they closed a big door in our faces when the big gate slowly went out of sight . We traveled for thirty days over the Pacific Ocean before we landed in Manila Bay in the Philippine Islands . We passed a number of islands and places such as Guater Canal and other places I can 't remember . We stayed on the boat for two days in the harbor before we were taken ashore . When we got ashore they loaded us into a bunch of box cars , we stayed in those box cars for three hours and ate K - rations for dinner . We finally started our way through the city of Manila . We traveled in those slow moving box cars for twenty miles . We got off the train in a small town called Alabang and walked from there to the first depot which was a mile . It was so hot that our steel helmets would burn us if we touched it and I aint kidding . Anybody that has been in the Philippines will tell the same story . We got into the camp and we were put into our tents where we were to stay while in that camp . We stayed there for two weeks working most of the time . One afternoon we were marched down to Alabang where we got off the train on our way in and boarded another train . This one had a top on it but it wouldn 't hold water . We traveled all night and it rained enough to get us all wet . We got off the train in a town called San Fernando at six O ' clock the next morning . We hung around there until eleven O ' clock that morning and then we were loaded onto trucks and taken on a wild ride over the mountains of Lugon . I never saw so much dust in all my life , and most of it was on me . It took around eight hours to get to the camp where we were going . That was when I joined Co . A - 1st Inf . Of the 6th Army which I am still part of . We were assigned to a platoon and also a tent where we were to stay . They asked me which weapon i liked the best and I told them I would rather use the M . I . Army rifle so I was put into a rifle squad . We stayed there for a couple of weeks and then came an order for us to get ready to go up in the hills where the fighting was going on . I was kind of nervous at the thought but still I wanted to see for myself whatIt was the first part of July when we were loaded into trucks and started our journey up into the hills . We traveled over very bad roads for about seventy miles and then the road was too bad to be traveled by trucks . We got off the trucks and put on our packs with ammunition for our rifles and hand grenades . There was a steep hill we had to climb before we could get on the trail again . It was hot as all merry hell that day and our clothes were pretty well soaked through before we got half way up the hill . I finally made the damn hill and took off my pack , steel helmet and laid my rifle on the top of the pack . My legs where pretty well done in by then so I just sat down and let them rest . My buddy however was carrying a B . A . R . and belt full of ammunition which was plenty heavy . He was still down near the bottom of the hill when I reached the top . I got rested up a little and took off down the hill again to help my buddy lug his load . I took his B . A . R . Gun from him and he had the ammunition . We both made it that time . Some of the others that had reached the top before us had started down the road but we sat around and rested a little more . After sitting beside the road a while and eating a C - ration we started after the others . We walked slowly for a mile or more before we came to a ridge where some men were dug in . We were sent to the further end of the ridge where we dug in . that was the first fox hold I dug since my basic training . The ground was damn hard so we only made a slit trench deep enough to cover us lying down . After we got our holes dug , we spread our ponchos over the top to keep out the rain and sun . Well , I could smell a very bad odor , something like an old dead horse that had been dead for a week , only the smell was much stronger . I decided to look around to see what stunk so much . Down the bank a ways I saw two dead Japs that had been killed a few days before and the hot sun sure brought out the odor . Those where the second Japs that I had seen dead . My appetite was gone then , but I soon go hungry enough , so I ate a little of C - ration . After a while , darkness came so we crawled into our holes to see if we could get some sleep . We each took turns going on guard , and I took my guard once and then settled down to get some sleep . About an hour later I was awoken by a machine gun firing very close to my hole . I was awake in a split second and grabbed for my rifle . By that time every weapon in the company was going and it really sounded like war for a half an hour . Hand grenades were going off and bullets were singing over my hole . I was scared as hell but I just laid there with my rifle cocked and watched for something to move . It was dark as hell then and I could only see the silhouette of a bush and trees in front of me . I didn 't see anything however while all the shooting was going on . The firing stopped after a while and everything was quiet . In a few minutes I was sound asleep again . The next morning we crawled out of our holes and started to find some C - rations to make our breakfast . After we had eaten we packed our equipment and was ready to move out . They told us we had to go as far as the river which we could see down in the valley . It was only a mile away from where we were but we had to go around by the trail , so we pulled out at nine o ' clock and started on our way . We walked along the trail which was about wide enough for one car . There was plenty of mud along the trail but we went on until we came to some Jap trucks and bicycles which were along the trail . We first saw a lot of human bones and skulls laying along the trail , but after a short distance we saw dead japs everywhere that had only been dea for a day or so . Every hole and every crook in the trail we saw dead Japs . We went on a little further and I could smell something that almost made me sick . We rounded a bend and there was a Jap truck in the road . Around the windshield and on it was all black . I couldn 't make out what it was at first but soon I found out when I got a little closer . The black that was on the windshield turned out to be millions of blow flies , and great maggots about an inch long . Curiosity got the best of me and I stopped for a minute to look at a sight which I had never dreamed of even in my worst nightmare . Some of the boys I could see just turned their heads when they passed and looked the other way . We saw many more Japs lying along the trail , but none of them were like this one . We traveled on a little further and met some spear men coming down the trail carrying a littler on their shoulders which held and American soldier with a bandaged leg and head . There was another G . I . with them who had a bloody bandage on his hand . A short distance away we could hear rifle fire , both M . M 's and Jap rifles . We could tell a Jap rifle by the sound of it firing . It sounded like a 22 caliber rifle that we have back home , where our Army rifle makes a big noise . We didn 't bother with that because we were given orders to clear the trail and the firing came from up on a hill . We went around another bend and saw two more Japs lying in the road with blood running from them . They where only kids about the age of fifteen . Their packs and clothes were all ripped apart by the GI 's who had shot them . Souvenirs ' is what they were looking for . We went on past an old grass shack that had radios sets in it that was worth a lot of dough . By that time we had traveled six miles , we went on about a mile or so when we heard firing a short distance from us . It was a B . A . R that was doing the firing . An officer went back to see what was up and when he returned he said that the men in the rear of the company had found three Jap men and a woman in one of the grass shacks . I won 't say what they were doing but I think you can guess . The boys had kicked the door open and saw them inside , without hesitating a minute one of the GI 's opened up with his B . A . R and shot both the Jap men and the woman . We never take chances with the Japs because they could walk out with their hands up and have a hand grenade in their pocket with the pin pulled . They would blow themselves up and us to if they got close enough . We went along the road for about two miles when we came to a bunch of trucks that had machine shops in the back of the trucks . There were lathes and press drills and everything else that you would find in a machine shop . There were a few dead Japs lying in the trucks and around on the ground . By this time we were pretty well out of water and I sure was thirsty . We went a little way further and there was a nice cool mountain stream . We filled our canteens and I drank some without putting any halazone to purify it . A few days later I found out that there was two dead japs lying right in the water that I had been drinking . We reached the river and set up camp . We stayed there three days and went swimming in the river . We got orders to move out on the third day , so we packed and got ready to go . We headed across the river and wen we were all on the other side a spearman came up to us and said " there are some Japs up the road a little further " . We went up the road with the spearman with us to show us where the Japs were . We got to the place where he said the Japs where and we circled the place and sneaked into the huts . It looked like there had been quite a few Japs around there , but we only found two of them . One was dead and the other was wounded by a spearman . The dead Jap was covered with blood from his waist down and it wasn 't even dried so I don 't think he had been dead long . They bandaged up the wounded Jap and put him on a litter and sent him back to the river . From there we marched about three miles where we made cap along the road . We had to stay there for a road block . The first night at about eleven o ' clock the guard opened up with the machine gun . I didn 't think there was anything out there , but the next morning we found a Japs rifle with a bayonet on it lying in the road about twenty feet from where we slept . A bullet had hit the rifle and knocked it out of the Japs hands , but there wasn 't a sign of any Japs anywhere . I don 't know how he ever got away , but he did . We stayed there five days and then we moved back to the river and from there we went back to our base camp near Bagabag . We were there six days and on the sixth night we came in from the movies and they told us to be ready to move out at eight o ' clock the next morning . There was a lot of trouble up in the hills and we had to go up and help . We got up in the hills the next afternoon and stayed in one place for a week or so . When we got to the place one of the boys saw a Jap crawling over the next hill . He shot him and that 's all we saw while we were at that place , but we did hear a lot of shooting up the road aways . We left there in trucks and went about fifty miles up further where we got off the trucks and walked a short ways to Bonarie , where we camped that night . It rained just before we got there and we were all soaking wet . We put up our shelters and after eating some C - rations and tried to get some sleep , but it was so cold that I dint get much sleep . The next morning at about eight o ' clock we pulled out and followed a foot path for about nine miles through the hills . We came to a river where we met some spearmen with five litters with GI 's on them , Three of them where dad and two were wounded . That didn 't make me feel and better seeing that . We crossed the river on two poles that was put there for a bridge . Then we went along some nice patties until we came to some grass huts that were sitting up on some poles . There we rested up a little and filled our canteens with some water that was coming from a rice patty . We left there and started our climb up the mountain side . Our objective was the top of that mountain where K - company was . We started up the mountain , most of the time we had to pull ourselves up by getting hold of trees and brush . That was about the steepest hill I had ever climbed . We got to the top that night just before dark and dug in on the top of the mountain . A couple of days after we got there we got news that the war may be over in two days , wo we didn 't make any pushes then . We were waiting to see if the war would end . Two days later they said that the war had ended . None of the boys hollered or fired their weapons into the air like I thought tey would , they just stood around with big smiles from ear to ear . Everybody was pretty happy then and started to make plans for going home . We ate ten in one rations while we were on the mountain . Our rations were brought to us by plane , and dumped out from the air . Well , the war was over and we were wondering how long it would be before we would go back to our camp near Bagabad . Two days after the end of the war we were to move out . While we were there we didn 't have any attacks , so I guess the Japs were waiting for the war to end too . We did see a few Japs down in the valley , but they were so far that we couldn 't hit them with our rifles . A short way from where we were on another hill there was a machine gun mist that was firing on some spearmen that was coming up to where we were . One of the boys knocked out the Japs machine gun with one of our machine guns and that 's about all that happened while we were there . The day came when it was time for us to leave for camp , so we started down the mountain around noon time . We came to the river that we had crossed coming up , but the bridge was mashed out . We waded across by hanging onto a rope that had been strung across and tied onto a tree . We got back to Banawie at the same place where we spent the night on our way up at six o ' clock that night . We expected to see trucks there waiting for us but no such luck . We spent two nights there and on the third morning trucks came to bring us back . We got back to the camp that night and had a good supper and good night 's sleep . Well , we didn 't have anything to do so the made us put in sand sidewalks and such stiff as that to keep us busy . After a couple of weeks of this they made us train in the mornings until we got ready to move to our next place in the Lingazon Gulf . It was about two months before we left there to go down to the beach in the Lingazon Gulf . We got on trucks at seven o ' clock one night and started our trip . We rode all night and landed on the beach the next morning at eight o ' clock . We had breakfast and started to put our tents up . We stayed there about six weeks before it was time for us to get on a truck and go to Korea . We had a little training while we were there . We left the Philippine islands on October 18th and headed for Korea . It took us six days to reach Korea . We got off the boat and waited in the town all day before we got on a train and headed for Andong . We loaded the train about for o ' clock in the afternoon and got off the Andong the next night at nine o ' clock . We spent three days in a building there and then we got on trucks and came to Niasong where I am now , waiting to go home , in six weeks . We are going back to Andong within a week from now and from there , ( who knows ) . I was close to my Grandfather , most of my childhood he lived with us in a room adjacent to mine . I spent years listening to some of his stories . You see , gramp ( as we kids called him ) was for the most part a quiet person , but when he spoke , needless to say it was always interesting . I remember sitting up with him nights watching movies , we never talked much , but I always knew I was in good company . He moved into his own place when I got to be about 15 and by the time I was 18 I was living in the apartment adjacent to his . I believe it was that short 6 months we lived in that duplex that I got him to tell me more and more stories . We took all of his reel to reel home movies and played them on a screen and I videotaped it with my video cassette recorder . Gramp had hours of black and white home videos and we spent a lot of time recording them onto VCR . I learned a lot about my family from him during that time , but it was just before his death in 1996 that I learned the most interesting part . You see gramp became ill and was no longer able to live alone . He moved in with my parents so they could care for him . Late in 1995 the family decided to clean out his apartment and get rid of a bunch of stuff , some things where thrown out , some things given to family members and some things kept safe . I was appointed by my father to make sure none of the family gave my aunt , whom was left in charge of his estate , any trouble . I really didn 't want to be there , I could care less about material belongings , I cared more about my grandfather , but my dad asked me to be there to watch over his sister , so I went . While watching them clean and fill trash bags full of stuff , I noticed a black book get tossed into a large trash bag . This book looked interesting to me , it appeared to be an old style ledger of a sort , you know the type that had a semi - hard cover that was black and cloth . The book was thin , but had lined paper inside and what appeared to be penciled in handwriting . Needless to say I volunteered to take that bag out to the duGramp never talked to me about his military career , I knew he was in WWII and in the army , I even heard rumor that he was in the Philippines at the time , but he never told me about it . I read on and was astonished to find that it was a diary and firsthand account written in January of 1946 by my grandfather and depicts his 15 month journey during WWII . After enjoying the read , I typed out word for word ( even misspelled words ) the entire story , printed out copies for each of his kids ( and one for myself ) then I sealed the book in plastic and put it away where it still is to this day . In 1997 I moved with my wife and kids to Georgia , before leaving we spent the day at my parent 's house and I got to say goodbye to my grandfather . Being as he was , he really didn 't like the goodbye thing , so he tried like hell to avoid it by falling asleep about ½ hour before we were supposed to leave . He stayed sleeping for 2 hours , but I wasn 't letting him off the hook . We postponed our road trip that few hours and waited for him to wake . When he woke he looked right at me and said " are you still here " of course I told him I wasn 't letting him off the hook that easy . I spent about an hour with him then I got up to leave , instinctively I looked at him and said " well , I 'll see ya later " and he responded " No you wont , you know you wont " . On July 3rd we arrived at my uncle and aunt 's house in Clarkesville G . A . where we stayed for about a week or so until we found ourselves a home . As soon as we got settled in and got the phone turned on I called to talk to my grandfather . He was getting sicker and sicker each day , I called every day at about 5 : 10pm when I got home from work , I got off work at 5 and only lived around the corner , so as soon as I got in I would call and talk to my parents and Gramp . One day I called and my mom answered the phone . I asked " How 's he doin " Mom told me he wasn 't doing too good , that there was not much time left . I could hear her on the phone talking to him " dad , hey dad , Roy 's on troysmith407218 11 Dec 2012 I miss the way you called me kid , even after I grew and had a child of my own . I miss your occasional joke and wise crack , but most of all I miss your love , your wisdom and your guidance . I love you grandpa . |
Javascript must be enabled in order to use several pages found on Fold3 . You will need to enable JavaScript by changing your browser options . Learn how to enable it . In the month of June 1944 I got my invitation to go to Providence , R . I . and take an examination to see if I was fit for military service . After I had my examination they said I would be called into the army within three months . Three months passed and I didn 't hear from them , and I started to think that they had forgotten me . But , I had no such luck . It was a long ride and we landed there at 9 : 30 that night . When we came in sight of the camp lights , the bus driver yelled out " Well , there 's your new home boys " , and I felt like hitting him over the head with a crank . We got off the bus in front of a great long building and after calling our names out for the fifth time that day , we were sent into the building by a corporal with a black eye . When I spotted him with the black eye I sure thought I was in a tough place . I didn 't like it a damn bit either . The next morning we were woke up by a sergeant that let out a yell that could be heard for a mile . I got up and went downstairs to the latrine to wash and shave with the new tools that they had given me as yet it was still dark out , and I wasn 't used to this kind of monkey business . Shortly we were called out , and had our names called off again , after which we were marched over to the mess hall . It was a large hall with nothing but tables and benches . I followed the line and picked up a tray and fork spoon and knife . The spoon was the size of a table spoon like we have back home . I followed the rest of the boys around the counter where German prisoners slapped all kinds of breakfast foods on the trays . That was the first time I ever saw a German prisoner so I looked them over pretty well before I left . On my way out I followed the line out through another door where another prisoner took our trays to be washed . Well , I didn 't know what was going to happen next so I went back to my barracks , where we were put to work sweeping and washing the barracks floor , right then was when I really missed my wife . After we were taken around to the movie where we got a speech from the chaplain and a few other officers . I cant remember just what else we did that day except for getting a couple of shots that scared me to death . Two days passed and we were taken to another long building which looked like a store room . We had to strip naked at the first end of the building and then we went down the aisle where they threw clothes into a basket which we had . Well , when we came out the other end of the building we had a full dress uniform on and a full duffle bag over our shoulders . Finally after seven days we were loaded on a train where there was a band playing for us and took off . Where ? We didn 't know for the present but after we traveled for a day the sergeant in charge told us we were going to Alabama . Fifteen weeks of hell I spent in Fort McCullen , Alabama , and then came the day for us to go home on a ten day furlough , and a very happy day it was . We left for home at eleven O ' clock in the morning and I walked in my door at eight O ' clock the next night . The ten days went by very quickly and soon I found myself on a train heading for Fort Meade , Maryland . We landed there at twelve O ' clock the next day and were fed first of all . I was there seven days , which was long enough for me to get a weekend pass . They wouldn 't give me a pass to go home on , but I made one myself and headed for home . I got held up for three hours in New York but finally I pulled into Providence , Rhode Island at five O ' clock Sunday morning . I couldn 't get a bus for Pascoag until nine O ' clock so I went to my sister - in - laws house and got them to take me home . I got home at nine O ' clock Sunday morning and spent a very short day with my family . At six O ' clock that night I had to leave for Fort Meade again . I left my wife at the depot in Providence and boarded a train . That was the last time I saw her seven months ago . We were sent from Fort Meade Maryland to Camp Stoneman , California . It took us six days to make the trip . We stayed in that camp for nine days and then we were loaded onto a ship . It was a big white ship by the name of U . S . S Walter Reed or something like that . We went by the island where Alcatraz prison was and by then we went under the golden gate . It seemed as if they closed a big door in our faces when the big gate slowly went out of sight . We traveled for thirty days over the Pacific Ocean before we landed in Manila Bay in the Philippine Islands . We passed a number of islands and places such as Guater Canal and other places I can 't remember . We stayed on the boat for two days in the harbor before we were taken ashore . When we got ashore they loaded us into a bunch of box cars , we stayed in those box cars for three hours and ate K - rations for dinner . We finally started our way through the city of Manila . We traveled in those slow moving box cars for twenty miles . We got off the train in a small town called Alabang and walked from there to the first depot which was a mile . It was so hot that our steel helmets would burn us if we touched it and I aint kidding . Anybody that has been in the Philippines will tell the same story . We got into the camp and we were put into our tents where we were to stay while in that camp . We stayed there for two weeks working most of the time . One afternoon we were marched down to Alabang where we got off the train on our way in and boarded another train . This one had a top on it but it wouldn 't hold water . We traveled all night and it rained enough to get us all wet . We got off the train in a town called San Fernando at six O ' clock the next morning . We hung around there until eleven O ' clock that morning and then we were loaded onto trucks and taken on a wild ride over the mountains of Lugon . I never saw so much dust in all my life , and most of it was on me . It took around eight hours to get to the camp where we were going . That was when I joined Co . A - 1st Inf . Of the 6th Army which I am still part of . We were assigned to a platoon and also a tent where we were to stay . They asked me which weapon i liked the best and I told them I would rather use the M . I . Army rifle so I was put into a rifle squad . We stayed there for a couple of weeks and then came an order for us to get ready to go up in the hills where the fighting was going on . I was kind of nervous at the thought but still I wanted to see for myself whatIt was the first part of July when we were loaded into trucks and started our journey up into the hills . We traveled over very bad roads for about seventy miles and then the road was too bad to be traveled by trucks . We got off the trucks and put on our packs with ammunition for our rifles and hand grenades . There was a steep hill we had to climb before we could get on the trail again . It was hot as all merry hell that day and our clothes were pretty well soaked through before we got half way up the hill . I finally made the damn hill and took off my pack , steel helmet and laid my rifle on the top of the pack . My legs where pretty well done in by then so I just sat down and let them rest . My buddy however was carrying a B . A . R . and belt full of ammunition which was plenty heavy . He was still down near the bottom of the hill when I reached the top . I got rested up a little and took off down the hill again to help my buddy lug his load . I took his B . A . R . Gun from him and he had the ammunition . We both made it that time . Some of the others that had reached the top before us had started down the road but we sat around and rested a little more . After sitting beside the road a while and eating a C - ration we started after the others . We walked slowly for a mile or more before we came to a ridge where some men were dug in . We were sent to the further end of the ridge where we dug in . that was the first fox hold I dug since my basic training . The ground was damn hard so we only made a slit trench deep enough to cover us lying down . After we got our holes dug , we spread our ponchos over the top to keep out the rain and sun . Well , I could smell a very bad odor , something like an old dead horse that had been dead for a week , only the smell was much stronger . I decided to look around to see what stunk so much . Down the bank a ways I saw two dead Japs that had been killed a few days before and the hot sun sure brought out the odor . Those where the second Japs that I had seen dead . My appetite was gone then , but I soon go hungry enough , so I ate a little of C - ration . After a while , darkness came so we crawled into our holes to see if we could get some sleep . We each took turns going on guard , and I took my guard once and then settled down to get some sleep . About an hour later I was awoken by a machine gun firing very close to my hole . I was awake in a split second and grabbed for my rifle . By that time every weapon in the company was going and it really sounded like war for a half an hour . Hand grenades were going off and bullets were singing over my hole . I was scared as hell but I just laid there with my rifle cocked and watched for something to move . It was dark as hell then and I could only see the silhouette of a bush and trees in front of me . I didn 't see anything however while all the shooting was going on . The firing stopped after a while and everything was quiet . In a few minutes I was sound asleep again . The next morning we crawled out of our holes and started to find some C - rations to make our breakfast . After we had eaten we packed our equipment and was ready to move out . They told us we had to go as far as the river which we could see down in the valley . It was only a mile away from where we were but we had to go around by the trail , so we pulled out at nine o ' clock and started on our way . We walked along the trail which was about wide enough for one car . There was plenty of mud along the trail but we went on until we came to some Jap trucks and bicycles which were along the trail . We first saw a lot of human bones and skulls laying along the trail , but after a short distance we saw dead japs everywhere that had only been dea for a day or so . Every hole and every crook in the trail we saw dead Japs . We went on a little further and I could smell something that almost made me sick . We rounded a bend and there was a Jap truck in the road . Around the windshield and on it was all black . I couldn 't make out what it was at first but soon I found out when I got a little closer . The black that was on the windshield turned out to be millions of blow flies , and great maggots about an inch long . Curiosity got the best of me and I stopped for a minute to look at a sight which I had never dreamed of even in my worst nightmare . Some of the boys I could see just turned their heads when they passed and looked the other way . We saw many more Japs lying along the trail , but none of them were like this one . We traveled on a little further and met some spear men coming down the trail carrying a littler on their shoulders which held and American soldier with a bandaged leg and head . There was another G . I . with them who had a bloody bandage on his hand . A short distance away we could hear rifle fire , both M . M 's and Jap rifles . We could tell a Jap rifle by the sound of it firing . It sounded like a 22 caliber rifle that we have back home , where our Army rifle makes a big noise . We didn 't bother with that because we were given orders to clear the trail and the firing came from up on a hill . We went around another bend and saw two more Japs lying in the road with blood running from them . They where only kids about the age of fifteen . Their packs and clothes were all ripped apart by the GI 's who had shot them . Souvenirs ' is what they were looking for . We went on past an old grass shack that had radios sets in it that was worth a lot of dough . By that time we had traveled six miles , we went on about a mile or so when we heard firing a short distance from us . It was a B . A . R that was doing the firing . An officer went back to see what was up and when he returned he said that the men in the rear of the company had found three Jap men and a woman in one of the grass shacks . I won 't say what they were doing but I think you can guess . The boys had kicked the door open and saw them inside , without hesitating a minute one of the GI 's opened up with his B . A . R and shot both the Jap men and the woman . We never take chances with the Japs because they could walk out with their hands up and have a hand grenade in their pocket with the pin pulled . They would blow themselves up and us to if they got close enough . We went along the road for about two miles when we came to a bunch of trucks that had machine shops in the back of the trucks . There were lathes and press drills and everything else that you would find in a machine shop . There were a few dead Japs lying in the trucks and around on the ground . By this time we were pretty well out of water and I sure was thirsty . We went a little way further and there was a nice cool mountain stream . We filled our canteens and I drank some without putting any halazone to purify it . A few days later I found out that there was two dead japs lying right in the water that I had been drinking . We reached the river and set up camp . We stayed there three days and went swimming in the river . We got orders to move out on the third day , so we packed and got ready to go . We headed across the river and wen we were all on the other side a spearman came up to us and said " there are some Japs up the road a little further " . We went up the road with the spearman with us to show us where the Japs were . We got to the place where he said the Japs where and we circled the place and sneaked into the huts . It looked like there had been quite a few Japs around there , but we only found two of them . One was dead and the other was wounded by a spearman . The dead Jap was covered with blood from his waist down and it wasn 't even dried so I don 't think he had been dead long . They bandaged up the wounded Jap and put him on a litter and sent him back to the river . From there we marched about three miles where we made cap along the road . We had to stay there for a road block . The first night at about eleven o ' clock the guard opened up with the machine gun . I didn 't think there was anything out there , but the next morning we found a Japs rifle with a bayonet on it lying in the road about twenty feet from where we slept . A bullet had hit the rifle and knocked it out of the Japs hands , but there wasn 't a sign of any Japs anywhere . I don 't know how he ever got away , but he did . We stayed there five days and then we moved back to the river and from there we went back to our base camp near Bagabag . We were there six days and on the sixth night we came in from the movies and they told us to be ready to move out at eight o ' clock the next morning . There was a lot of trouble up in the hills and we had to go up and help . We got up in the hills the next afternoon and stayed in one place for a week or so . When we got to the place one of the boys saw a Jap crawling over the next hill . He shot him and that 's all we saw while we were at that place , but we did hear a lot of shooting up the road aways . We left there in trucks and went about fifty miles up further where we got off the trucks and walked a short ways to Bonarie , where we camped that night . It rained just before we got there and we were all soaking wet . We put up our shelters and after eating some C - rations and tried to get some sleep , but it was so cold that I dint get much sleep . The next morning at about eight o ' clock we pulled out and followed a foot path for about nine miles through the hills . We came to a river where we met some spearmen with five litters with GI 's on them , Three of them where dad and two were wounded . That didn 't make me feel and better seeing that . We crossed the river on two poles that was put there for a bridge . Then we went along some nice patties until we came to some grass huts that were sitting up on some poles . There we rested up a little and filled our canteens with some water that was coming from a rice patty . We left there and started our climb up the mountain side . Our objective was the top of that mountain where K - company was . We started up the mountain , most of the time we had to pull ourselves up by getting hold of trees and brush . That was about the steepest hill I had ever climbed . We got to the top that night just before dark and dug in on the top of the mountain . A couple of days after we got there we got news that the war may be over in two days , wo we didn 't make any pushes then . We were waiting to see if the war would end . Two days later they said that the war had ended . None of the boys hollered or fired their weapons into the air like I thought tey would , they just stood around with big smiles from ear to ear . Everybody was pretty happy then and started to make plans for going home . We ate ten in one rations while we were on the mountain . Our rations were brought to us by plane , and dumped out from the air . Well , the war was over and we were wondering how long it would be before we would go back to our camp near Bagabad . Two days after the end of the war we were to move out . While we were there we didn 't have any attacks , so I guess the Japs were waiting for the war to end too . We did see a few Japs down in the valley , but they were so far that we couldn 't hit them with our rifles . A short way from where we were on another hill there was a machine gun mist that was firing on some spearmen that was coming up to where we were . One of the boys knocked out the Japs machine gun with one of our machine guns and that 's about all that happened while we were there . The day came when it was time for us to leave for camp , so we started down the mountain around noon time . We came to the river that we had crossed coming up , but the bridge was mashed out . We waded across by hanging onto a rope that had been strung across and tied onto a tree . We got back to Banawie at the same place where we spent the night on our way up at six o ' clock that night . We expected to see trucks there waiting for us but no such luck . We spent two nights there and on the third morning trucks came to bring us back . We got back to the camp that night and had a good supper and good night 's sleep . Well , we didn 't have anything to do so the made us put in sand sidewalks and such stiff as that to keep us busy . After a couple of weeks of this they made us train in the mornings until we got ready to move to our next place in the Lingazon Gulf . It was about two months before we left there to go down to the beach in the Lingazon Gulf . We got on trucks at seven o ' clock one night and started our trip . We rode all night and landed on the beach the next morning at eight o ' clock . We had breakfast and started to put our tents up . We stayed there about six weeks before it was time for us to get on a truck and go to Korea . We had a little training while we were there . We left the Philippine islands on October 18th and headed for Korea . It took us six days to reach Korea . We got off the boat and waited in the town all day before we got on a train and headed for Andong . We loaded the train about for o ' clock in the afternoon and got off the Andong the next night at nine o ' clock . We spent three days in a building there and then we got on trucks and came to Niasong where I am now , waiting to go home , in six weeks . We are going back to Andong within a week from now and from there , ( who knows ) . I was close to my Grandfather , most of my childhood he lived with us in a room adjacent to mine . I spent years listening to some of his stories . You see , gramp ( as we kids called him ) was for the most part a quiet person , but when he spoke , needless to say it was always interesting . I remember sitting up with him nights watching movies , we never talked much , but I always knew I was in good company . He moved into his own place when I got to be about 15 and by the time I was 18 I was living in the apartment adjacent to his . I believe it was that short 6 months we lived in that duplex that I got him to tell me more and more stories . We took all of his reel to reel home movies and played them on a screen and I videotaped it with my video cassette recorder . Gramp had hours of black and white home videos and we spent a lot of time recording them onto VCR . I learned a lot about my family from him during that time , but it was just before his death in 1996 that I learned the most interesting part . You see gramp became ill and was no longer able to live alone . He moved in with my parents so they could care for him . Late in 1995 the family decided to clean out his apartment and get rid of a bunch of stuff , some things where thrown out , some things given to family members and some things kept safe . I was appointed by my father to make sure none of the family gave my aunt , whom was left in charge of his estate , any trouble . I really didn 't want to be there , I could care less about material belongings , I cared more about my grandfather , but my dad asked me to be there to watch over his sister , so I went . While watching them clean and fill trash bags full of stuff , I noticed a black book get tossed into a large trash bag . This book looked interesting to me , it appeared to be an old style ledger of a sort , you know the type that had a semi - hard cover that was black and cloth . The book was thin , but had lined paper inside and what appeared to be penciled in handwriting . Needless to say I volunteered to take that bag out to the duGramp never talked to me about his military career , I knew he was in WWII and in the army , I even heard rumor that he was in the Philippines at the time , but he never told me about it . I read on and was astonished to find that it was a diary and firsthand account written in January of 1946 by my grandfather and depicts his 15 month journey during WWII . After enjoying the read , I typed out word for word ( even misspelled words ) the entire story , printed out copies for each of his kids ( and one for myself ) then I sealed the book in plastic and put it away where it still is to this day . In 1997 I moved with my wife and kids to Georgia , before leaving we spent the day at my parent 's house and I got to say goodbye to my grandfather . Being as he was , he really didn 't like the goodbye thing , so he tried like hell to avoid it by falling asleep about ½ hour before we were supposed to leave . He stayed sleeping for 2 hours , but I wasn 't letting him off the hook . We postponed our road trip that few hours and waited for him to wake . When he woke he looked right at me and said " are you still here " of course I told him I wasn 't letting him off the hook that easy . I spent about an hour with him then I got up to leave , instinctively I looked at him and said " well , I 'll see ya later " and he responded " No you wont , you know you wont " . On July 3rd we arrived at my uncle and aunt 's house in Clarkesville G . A . where we stayed for about a week or so until we found ourselves a home . As soon as we got settled in and got the phone turned on I called to talk to my grandfather . He was getting sicker and sicker each day , I called every day at about 5 : 10pm when I got home from work , I got off work at 5 and only lived around the corner , so as soon as I got in I would call and talk to my parents and Gramp . One day I called and my mom answered the phone . I asked " How 's he doin " Mom told me he wasn 't doing too good , that there was not much time left . I could hear her on the phone talking to him " dad , hey dad , Roy 's on troysmith407218 11 Dec 2012 I miss the way you called me kid , even after I grew and had a child of my own . I miss your occasional joke and wise crack , but most of all I miss your love , your wisdom and your guidance . I love you grandpa . |
Javascript must be enabled in order to use several pages found on Fold3 . You will need to enable JavaScript by changing your browser options . Learn how to enable it . In the month of June 1944 I got my invitation to go to Providence , R . I . and take an examination to see if I was fit for military service . After I had my examination they said I would be called into the army within three months . Three months passed and I didn 't hear from them , and I started to think that they had forgotten me . But , I had no such luck . It was a long ride and we landed there at 9 : 30 that night . When we came in sight of the camp lights , the bus driver yelled out " Well , there 's your new home boys " , and I felt like hitting him over the head with a crank . We got off the bus in front of a great long building and after calling our names out for the fifth time that day , we were sent into the building by a corporal with a black eye . When I spotted him with the black eye I sure thought I was in a tough place . I didn 't like it a damn bit either . The next morning we were woke up by a sergeant that let out a yell that could be heard for a mile . I got up and went downstairs to the latrine to wash and shave with the new tools that they had given me as yet it was still dark out , and I wasn 't used to this kind of monkey business . Shortly we were called out , and had our names called off again , after which we were marched over to the mess hall . It was a large hall with nothing but tables and benches . I followed the line and picked up a tray and fork spoon and knife . The spoon was the size of a table spoon like we have back home . I followed the rest of the boys around the counter where German prisoners slapped all kinds of breakfast foods on the trays . That was the first time I ever saw a German prisoner so I looked them over pretty well before I left . On my way out I followed the line out through another door where another prisoner took our trays to be washed . Well , I didn 't know what was going to happen next so I went back to my barracks , where we were put to work sweeping and washing the barracks floor , right then was when I really missed my wife . After we were taken around to the movie where we got a speech from the chaplain and a few other officers . I cant remember just what else we did that day except for getting a couple of shots that scared me to death . Two days passed and we were taken to another long building which looked like a store room . We had to strip naked at the first end of the building and then we went down the aisle where they threw clothes into a basket which we had . Well , when we came out the other end of the building we had a full dress uniform on and a full duffle bag over our shoulders . Finally after seven days we were loaded on a train where there was a band playing for us and took off . Where ? We didn 't know for the present but after we traveled for a day the sergeant in charge told us we were going to Alabama . Fifteen weeks of hell I spent in Fort McCullen , Alabama , and then came the day for us to go home on a ten day furlough , and a very happy day it was . We left for home at eleven O ' clock in the morning and I walked in my door at eight O ' clock the next night . The ten days went by very quickly and soon I found myself on a train heading for Fort Meade , Maryland . We landed there at twelve O ' clock the next day and were fed first of all . I was there seven days , which was long enough for me to get a weekend pass . They wouldn 't give me a pass to go home on , but I made one myself and headed for home . I got held up for three hours in New York but finally I pulled into Providence , Rhode Island at five O ' clock Sunday morning . I couldn 't get a bus for Pascoag until nine O ' clock so I went to my sister - in - laws house and got them to take me home . I got home at nine O ' clock Sunday morning and spent a very short day with my family . At six O ' clock that night I had to leave for Fort Meade again . I left my wife at the depot in Providence and boarded a train . That was the last time I saw her seven months ago . We were sent from Fort Meade Maryland to Camp Stoneman , California . It took us six days to make the trip . We stayed in that camp for nine days and then we were loaded onto a ship . It was a big white ship by the name of U . S . S Walter Reed or something like that . We went by the island where Alcatraz prison was and by then we went under the golden gate . It seemed as if they closed a big door in our faces when the big gate slowly went out of sight . We traveled for thirty days over the Pacific Ocean before we landed in Manila Bay in the Philippine Islands . We passed a number of islands and places such as Guater Canal and other places I can 't remember . We stayed on the boat for two days in the harbor before we were taken ashore . When we got ashore they loaded us into a bunch of box cars , we stayed in those box cars for three hours and ate K - rations for dinner . We finally started our way through the city of Manila . We traveled in those slow moving box cars for twenty miles . We got off the train in a small town called Alabang and walked from there to the first depot which was a mile . It was so hot that our steel helmets would burn us if we touched it and I aint kidding . Anybody that has been in the Philippines will tell the same story . We got into the camp and we were put into our tents where we were to stay while in that camp . We stayed there for two weeks working most of the time . One afternoon we were marched down to Alabang where we got off the train on our way in and boarded another train . This one had a top on it but it wouldn 't hold water . We traveled all night and it rained enough to get us all wet . We got off the train in a town called San Fernando at six O ' clock the next morning . We hung around there until eleven O ' clock that morning and then we were loaded onto trucks and taken on a wild ride over the mountains of Lugon . I never saw so much dust in all my life , and most of it was on me . It took around eight hours to get to the camp where we were going . That was when I joined Co . A - 1st Inf . Of the 6th Army which I am still part of . We were assigned to a platoon and also a tent where we were to stay . They asked me which weapon i liked the best and I told them I would rather use the M . I . Army rifle so I was put into a rifle squad . We stayed there for a couple of weeks and then came an order for us to get ready to go up in the hills where the fighting was going on . I was kind of nervous at the thought but still I wanted to see for myself whatIt was the first part of July when we were loaded into trucks and started our journey up into the hills . We traveled over very bad roads for about seventy miles and then the road was too bad to be traveled by trucks . We got off the trucks and put on our packs with ammunition for our rifles and hand grenades . There was a steep hill we had to climb before we could get on the trail again . It was hot as all merry hell that day and our clothes were pretty well soaked through before we got half way up the hill . I finally made the damn hill and took off my pack , steel helmet and laid my rifle on the top of the pack . My legs where pretty well done in by then so I just sat down and let them rest . My buddy however was carrying a B . A . R . and belt full of ammunition which was plenty heavy . He was still down near the bottom of the hill when I reached the top . I got rested up a little and took off down the hill again to help my buddy lug his load . I took his B . A . R . Gun from him and he had the ammunition . We both made it that time . Some of the others that had reached the top before us had started down the road but we sat around and rested a little more . After sitting beside the road a while and eating a C - ration we started after the others . We walked slowly for a mile or more before we came to a ridge where some men were dug in . We were sent to the further end of the ridge where we dug in . that was the first fox hold I dug since my basic training . The ground was damn hard so we only made a slit trench deep enough to cover us lying down . After we got our holes dug , we spread our ponchos over the top to keep out the rain and sun . Well , I could smell a very bad odor , something like an old dead horse that had been dead for a week , only the smell was much stronger . I decided to look around to see what stunk so much . Down the bank a ways I saw two dead Japs that had been killed a few days before and the hot sun sure brought out the odor . Those where the second Japs that I had seen dead . My appetite was gone then , but I soon go hungry enough , so I ate a little of C - ration . After a while , darkness came so we crawled into our holes to see if we could get some sleep . We each took turns going on guard , and I took my guard once and then settled down to get some sleep . About an hour later I was awoken by a machine gun firing very close to my hole . I was awake in a split second and grabbed for my rifle . By that time every weapon in the company was going and it really sounded like war for a half an hour . Hand grenades were going off and bullets were singing over my hole . I was scared as hell but I just laid there with my rifle cocked and watched for something to move . It was dark as hell then and I could only see the silhouette of a bush and trees in front of me . I didn 't see anything however while all the shooting was going on . The firing stopped after a while and everything was quiet . In a few minutes I was sound asleep again . The next morning we crawled out of our holes and started to find some C - rations to make our breakfast . After we had eaten we packed our equipment and was ready to move out . They told us we had to go as far as the river which we could see down in the valley . It was only a mile away from where we were but we had to go around by the trail , so we pulled out at nine o ' clock and started on our way . We walked along the trail which was about wide enough for one car . There was plenty of mud along the trail but we went on until we came to some Jap trucks and bicycles which were along the trail . We first saw a lot of human bones and skulls laying along the trail , but after a short distance we saw dead japs everywhere that had only been dea for a day or so . Every hole and every crook in the trail we saw dead Japs . We went on a little further and I could smell something that almost made me sick . We rounded a bend and there was a Jap truck in the road . Around the windshield and on it was all black . I couldn 't make out what it was at first but soon I found out when I got a little closer . The black that was on the windshield turned out to be millions of blow flies , and great maggots about an inch long . Curiosity got the best of me and I stopped for a minute to look at a sight which I had never dreamed of even in my worst nightmare . Some of the boys I could see just turned their heads when they passed and looked the other way . We saw many more Japs lying along the trail , but none of them were like this one . We traveled on a little further and met some spear men coming down the trail carrying a littler on their shoulders which held and American soldier with a bandaged leg and head . There was another G . I . with them who had a bloody bandage on his hand . A short distance away we could hear rifle fire , both M . M 's and Jap rifles . We could tell a Jap rifle by the sound of it firing . It sounded like a 22 caliber rifle that we have back home , where our Army rifle makes a big noise . We didn 't bother with that because we were given orders to clear the trail and the firing came from up on a hill . We went around another bend and saw two more Japs lying in the road with blood running from them . They where only kids about the age of fifteen . Their packs and clothes were all ripped apart by the GI 's who had shot them . Souvenirs ' is what they were looking for . We went on past an old grass shack that had radios sets in it that was worth a lot of dough . By that time we had traveled six miles , we went on about a mile or so when we heard firing a short distance from us . It was a B . A . R that was doing the firing . An officer went back to see what was up and when he returned he said that the men in the rear of the company had found three Jap men and a woman in one of the grass shacks . I won 't say what they were doing but I think you can guess . The boys had kicked the door open and saw them inside , without hesitating a minute one of the GI 's opened up with his B . A . R and shot both the Jap men and the woman . We never take chances with the Japs because they could walk out with their hands up and have a hand grenade in their pocket with the pin pulled . They would blow themselves up and us to if they got close enough . We went along the road for about two miles when we came to a bunch of trucks that had machine shops in the back of the trucks . There were lathes and press drills and everything else that you would find in a machine shop . There were a few dead Japs lying in the trucks and around on the ground . By this time we were pretty well out of water and I sure was thirsty . We went a little way further and there was a nice cool mountain stream . We filled our canteens and I drank some without putting any halazone to purify it . A few days later I found out that there was two dead japs lying right in the water that I had been drinking . We reached the river and set up camp . We stayed there three days and went swimming in the river . We got orders to move out on the third day , so we packed and got ready to go . We headed across the river and wen we were all on the other side a spearman came up to us and said " there are some Japs up the road a little further " . We went up the road with the spearman with us to show us where the Japs were . We got to the place where he said the Japs where and we circled the place and sneaked into the huts . It looked like there had been quite a few Japs around there , but we only found two of them . One was dead and the other was wounded by a spearman . The dead Jap was covered with blood from his waist down and it wasn 't even dried so I don 't think he had been dead long . They bandaged up the wounded Jap and put him on a litter and sent him back to the river . From there we marched about three miles where we made cap along the road . We had to stay there for a road block . The first night at about eleven o ' clock the guard opened up with the machine gun . I didn 't think there was anything out there , but the next morning we found a Japs rifle with a bayonet on it lying in the road about twenty feet from where we slept . A bullet had hit the rifle and knocked it out of the Japs hands , but there wasn 't a sign of any Japs anywhere . I don 't know how he ever got away , but he did . We stayed there five days and then we moved back to the river and from there we went back to our base camp near Bagabag . We were there six days and on the sixth night we came in from the movies and they told us to be ready to move out at eight o ' clock the next morning . There was a lot of trouble up in the hills and we had to go up and help . We got up in the hills the next afternoon and stayed in one place for a week or so . When we got to the place one of the boys saw a Jap crawling over the next hill . He shot him and that 's all we saw while we were at that place , but we did hear a lot of shooting up the road aways . We left there in trucks and went about fifty miles up further where we got off the trucks and walked a short ways to Bonarie , where we camped that night . It rained just before we got there and we were all soaking wet . We put up our shelters and after eating some C - rations and tried to get some sleep , but it was so cold that I dint get much sleep . The next morning at about eight o ' clock we pulled out and followed a foot path for about nine miles through the hills . We came to a river where we met some spearmen with five litters with GI 's on them , Three of them where dad and two were wounded . That didn 't make me feel and better seeing that . We crossed the river on two poles that was put there for a bridge . Then we went along some nice patties until we came to some grass huts that were sitting up on some poles . There we rested up a little and filled our canteens with some water that was coming from a rice patty . We left there and started our climb up the mountain side . Our objective was the top of that mountain where K - company was . We started up the mountain , most of the time we had to pull ourselves up by getting hold of trees and brush . That was about the steepest hill I had ever climbed . We got to the top that night just before dark and dug in on the top of the mountain . A couple of days after we got there we got news that the war may be over in two days , wo we didn 't make any pushes then . We were waiting to see if the war would end . Two days later they said that the war had ended . None of the boys hollered or fired their weapons into the air like I thought tey would , they just stood around with big smiles from ear to ear . Everybody was pretty happy then and started to make plans for going home . We ate ten in one rations while we were on the mountain . Our rations were brought to us by plane , and dumped out from the air . Well , the war was over and we were wondering how long it would be before we would go back to our camp near Bagabad . Two days after the end of the war we were to move out . While we were there we didn 't have any attacks , so I guess the Japs were waiting for the war to end too . We did see a few Japs down in the valley , but they were so far that we couldn 't hit them with our rifles . A short way from where we were on another hill there was a machine gun mist that was firing on some spearmen that was coming up to where we were . One of the boys knocked out the Japs machine gun with one of our machine guns and that 's about all that happened while we were there . The day came when it was time for us to leave for camp , so we started down the mountain around noon time . We came to the river that we had crossed coming up , but the bridge was mashed out . We waded across by hanging onto a rope that had been strung across and tied onto a tree . We got back to Banawie at the same place where we spent the night on our way up at six o ' clock that night . We expected to see trucks there waiting for us but no such luck . We spent two nights there and on the third morning trucks came to bring us back . We got back to the camp that night and had a good supper and good night 's sleep . Well , we didn 't have anything to do so the made us put in sand sidewalks and such stiff as that to keep us busy . After a couple of weeks of this they made us train in the mornings until we got ready to move to our next place in the Lingazon Gulf . It was about two months before we left there to go down to the beach in the Lingazon Gulf . We got on trucks at seven o ' clock one night and started our trip . We rode all night and landed on the beach the next morning at eight o ' clock . We had breakfast and started to put our tents up . We stayed there about six weeks before it was time for us to get on a truck and go to Korea . We had a little training while we were there . We left the Philippine islands on October 18th and headed for Korea . It took us six days to reach Korea . We got off the boat and waited in the town all day before we got on a train and headed for Andong . We loaded the train about for o ' clock in the afternoon and got off the Andong the next night at nine o ' clock . We spent three days in a building there and then we got on trucks and came to Niasong where I am now , waiting to go home , in six weeks . We are going back to Andong within a week from now and from there , ( who knows ) . I was close to my Grandfather , most of my childhood he lived with us in a room adjacent to mine . I spent years listening to some of his stories . You see , gramp ( as we kids called him ) was for the most part a quiet person , but when he spoke , needless to say it was always interesting . I remember sitting up with him nights watching movies , we never talked much , but I always knew I was in good company . He moved into his own place when I got to be about 15 and by the time I was 18 I was living in the apartment adjacent to his . I believe it was that short 6 months we lived in that duplex that I got him to tell me more and more stories . We took all of his reel to reel home movies and played them on a screen and I videotaped it with my video cassette recorder . Gramp had hours of black and white home videos and we spent a lot of time recording them onto VCR . I learned a lot about my family from him during that time , but it was just before his death in 1996 that I learned the most interesting part . You see gramp became ill and was no longer able to live alone . He moved in with my parents so they could care for him . Late in 1995 the family decided to clean out his apartment and get rid of a bunch of stuff , some things where thrown out , some things given to family members and some things kept safe . I was appointed by my father to make sure none of the family gave my aunt , whom was left in charge of his estate , any trouble . I really didn 't want to be there , I could care less about material belongings , I cared more about my grandfather , but my dad asked me to be there to watch over his sister , so I went . While watching them clean and fill trash bags full of stuff , I noticed a black book get tossed into a large trash bag . This book looked interesting to me , it appeared to be an old style ledger of a sort , you know the type that had a semi - hard cover that was black and cloth . The book was thin , but had lined paper inside and what appeared to be penciled in handwriting . Needless to say I volunteered to take that bag out to the duGramp never talked to me about his military career , I knew he was in WWII and in the army , I even heard rumor that he was in the Philippines at the time , but he never told me about it . I read on and was astonished to find that it was a diary and firsthand account written in January of 1946 by my grandfather and depicts his 15 month journey during WWII . After enjoying the read , I typed out word for word ( even misspelled words ) the entire story , printed out copies for each of his kids ( and one for myself ) then I sealed the book in plastic and put it away where it still is to this day . In 1997 I moved with my wife and kids to Georgia , before leaving we spent the day at my parent 's house and I got to say goodbye to my grandfather . Being as he was , he really didn 't like the goodbye thing , so he tried like hell to avoid it by falling asleep about ½ hour before we were supposed to leave . He stayed sleeping for 2 hours , but I wasn 't letting him off the hook . We postponed our road trip that few hours and waited for him to wake . When he woke he looked right at me and said " are you still here " of course I told him I wasn 't letting him off the hook that easy . I spent about an hour with him then I got up to leave , instinctively I looked at him and said " well , I 'll see ya later " and he responded " No you wont , you know you wont " . On July 3rd we arrived at my uncle and aunt 's house in Clarkesville G . A . where we stayed for about a week or so until we found ourselves a home . As soon as we got settled in and got the phone turned on I called to talk to my grandfather . He was getting sicker and sicker each day , I called every day at about 5 : 10pm when I got home from work , I got off work at 5 and only lived around the corner , so as soon as I got in I would call and talk to my parents and Gramp . One day I called and my mom answered the phone . I asked " How 's he doin " Mom told me he wasn 't doing too good , that there was not much time left . I could hear her on the phone talking to him " dad , hey dad , Roy 's on troysmith407218 11 Dec 2012 I miss the way you called me kid , even after I grew and had a child of my own . I miss your occasional joke and wise crack , but most of all I miss your love , your wisdom and your guidance . I love you grandpa . |
Javascript must be enabled in order to use several pages found on Fold3 . You will need to enable JavaScript by changing your browser options . Learn how to enable it . In the month of June 1944 I got my invitation to go to Providence , R . I . and take an examination to see if I was fit for military service . After I had my examination they said I would be called into the army within three months . Three months passed and I didn 't hear from them , and I started to think that they had forgotten me . But , I had no such luck . It was a long ride and we landed there at 9 : 30 that night . When we came in sight of the camp lights , the bus driver yelled out " Well , there 's your new home boys " , and I felt like hitting him over the head with a crank . We got off the bus in front of a great long building and after calling our names out for the fifth time that day , we were sent into the building by a corporal with a black eye . When I spotted him with the black eye I sure thought I was in a tough place . I didn 't like it a damn bit either . The next morning we were woke up by a sergeant that let out a yell that could be heard for a mile . I got up and went downstairs to the latrine to wash and shave with the new tools that they had given me as yet it was still dark out , and I wasn 't used to this kind of monkey business . Shortly we were called out , and had our names called off again , after which we were marched over to the mess hall . It was a large hall with nothing but tables and benches . I followed the line and picked up a tray and fork spoon and knife . The spoon was the size of a table spoon like we have back home . I followed the rest of the boys around the counter where German prisoners slapped all kinds of breakfast foods on the trays . That was the first time I ever saw a German prisoner so I looked them over pretty well before I left . On my way out I followed the line out through another door where another prisoner took our trays to be washed . Well , I didn 't know what was going to happen next so I went back to my barracks , where we were put to work sweeping and washing the barracks floor , right then was when I really missed my wife . After we were taken around to the movie where we got a speech from the chaplain and a few other officers . I cant remember just what else we did that day except for getting a couple of shots that scared me to death . Two days passed and we were taken to another long building which looked like a store room . We had to strip naked at the first end of the building and then we went down the aisle where they threw clothes into a basket which we had . Well , when we came out the other end of the building we had a full dress uniform on and a full duffle bag over our shoulders . Finally after seven days we were loaded on a train where there was a band playing for us and took off . Where ? We didn 't know for the present but after we traveled for a day the sergeant in charge told us we were going to Alabama . Fifteen weeks of hell I spent in Fort McCullen , Alabama , and then came the day for us to go home on a ten day furlough , and a very happy day it was . We left for home at eleven O ' clock in the morning and I walked in my door at eight O ' clock the next night . The ten days went by very quickly and soon I found myself on a train heading for Fort Meade , Maryland . We landed there at twelve O ' clock the next day and were fed first of all . I was there seven days , which was long enough for me to get a weekend pass . They wouldn 't give me a pass to go home on , but I made one myself and headed for home . I got held up for three hours in New York but finally I pulled into Providence , Rhode Island at five O ' clock Sunday morning . I couldn 't get a bus for Pascoag until nine O ' clock so I went to my sister - in - laws house and got them to take me home . I got home at nine O ' clock Sunday morning and spent a very short day with my family . At six O ' clock that night I had to leave for Fort Meade again . I left my wife at the depot in Providence and boarded a train . That was the last time I saw her seven months ago . We were sent from Fort Meade Maryland to Camp Stoneman , California . It took us six days to make the trip . We stayed in that camp for nine days and then we were loaded onto a ship . It was a big white ship by the name of U . S . S Walter Reed or something like that . We went by the island where Alcatraz prison was and by then we went under the golden gate . It seemed as if they closed a big door in our faces when the big gate slowly went out of sight . We traveled for thirty days over the Pacific Ocean before we landed in Manila Bay in the Philippine Islands . We passed a number of islands and places such as Guater Canal and other places I can 't remember . We stayed on the boat for two days in the harbor before we were taken ashore . When we got ashore they loaded us into a bunch of box cars , we stayed in those box cars for three hours and ate K - rations for dinner . We finally started our way through the city of Manila . We traveled in those slow moving box cars for twenty miles . We got off the train in a small town called Alabang and walked from there to the first depot which was a mile . It was so hot that our steel helmets would burn us if we touched it and I aint kidding . Anybody that has been in the Philippines will tell the same story . We got into the camp and we were put into our tents where we were to stay while in that camp . We stayed there for two weeks working most of the time . One afternoon we were marched down to Alabang where we got off the train on our way in and boarded another train . This one had a top on it but it wouldn 't hold water . We traveled all night and it rained enough to get us all wet . We got off the train in a town called San Fernando at six O ' clock the next morning . We hung around there until eleven O ' clock that morning and then we were loaded onto trucks and taken on a wild ride over the mountains of Lugon . I never saw so much dust in all my life , and most of it was on me . It took around eight hours to get to the camp where we were going . That was when I joined Co . A - 1st Inf . Of the 6th Army which I am still part of . We were assigned to a platoon and also a tent where we were to stay . They asked me which weapon i liked the best and I told them I would rather use the M . I . Army rifle so I was put into a rifle squad . We stayed there for a couple of weeks and then came an order for us to get ready to go up in the hills where the fighting was going on . I was kind of nervous at the thought but still I wanted to see for myself whatIt was the first part of July when we were loaded into trucks and started our journey up into the hills . We traveled over very bad roads for about seventy miles and then the road was too bad to be traveled by trucks . We got off the trucks and put on our packs with ammunition for our rifles and hand grenades . There was a steep hill we had to climb before we could get on the trail again . It was hot as all merry hell that day and our clothes were pretty well soaked through before we got half way up the hill . I finally made the damn hill and took off my pack , steel helmet and laid my rifle on the top of the pack . My legs where pretty well done in by then so I just sat down and let them rest . My buddy however was carrying a B . A . R . and belt full of ammunition which was plenty heavy . He was still down near the bottom of the hill when I reached the top . I got rested up a little and took off down the hill again to help my buddy lug his load . I took his B . A . R . Gun from him and he had the ammunition . We both made it that time . Some of the others that had reached the top before us had started down the road but we sat around and rested a little more . After sitting beside the road a while and eating a C - ration we started after the others . We walked slowly for a mile or more before we came to a ridge where some men were dug in . We were sent to the further end of the ridge where we dug in . that was the first fox hold I dug since my basic training . The ground was damn hard so we only made a slit trench deep enough to cover us lying down . After we got our holes dug , we spread our ponchos over the top to keep out the rain and sun . Well , I could smell a very bad odor , something like an old dead horse that had been dead for a week , only the smell was much stronger . I decided to look around to see what stunk so much . Down the bank a ways I saw two dead Japs that had been killed a few days before and the hot sun sure brought out the odor . Those where the second Japs that I had seen dead . My appetite was gone then , but I soon go hungry enough , so I ate a little of C - ration . After a while , darkness came so we crawled into our holes to see if we could get some sleep . We each took turns going on guard , and I took my guard once and then settled down to get some sleep . About an hour later I was awoken by a machine gun firing very close to my hole . I was awake in a split second and grabbed for my rifle . By that time every weapon in the company was going and it really sounded like war for a half an hour . Hand grenades were going off and bullets were singing over my hole . I was scared as hell but I just laid there with my rifle cocked and watched for something to move . It was dark as hell then and I could only see the silhouette of a bush and trees in front of me . I didn 't see anything however while all the shooting was going on . The firing stopped after a while and everything was quiet . In a few minutes I was sound asleep again . The next morning we crawled out of our holes and started to find some C - rations to make our breakfast . After we had eaten we packed our equipment and was ready to move out . They told us we had to go as far as the river which we could see down in the valley . It was only a mile away from where we were but we had to go around by the trail , so we pulled out at nine o ' clock and started on our way . We walked along the trail which was about wide enough for one car . There was plenty of mud along the trail but we went on until we came to some Jap trucks and bicycles which were along the trail . We first saw a lot of human bones and skulls laying along the trail , but after a short distance we saw dead japs everywhere that had only been dea for a day or so . Every hole and every crook in the trail we saw dead Japs . We went on a little further and I could smell something that almost made me sick . We rounded a bend and there was a Jap truck in the road . Around the windshield and on it was all black . I couldn 't make out what it was at first but soon I found out when I got a little closer . The black that was on the windshield turned out to be millions of blow flies , and great maggots about an inch long . Curiosity got the best of me and I stopped for a minute to look at a sight which I had never dreamed of even in my worst nightmare . Some of the boys I could see just turned their heads when they passed and looked the other way . We saw many more Japs lying along the trail , but none of them were like this one . We traveled on a little further and met some spear men coming down the trail carrying a littler on their shoulders which held and American soldier with a bandaged leg and head . There was another G . I . with them who had a bloody bandage on his hand . A short distance away we could hear rifle fire , both M . M 's and Jap rifles . We could tell a Jap rifle by the sound of it firing . It sounded like a 22 caliber rifle that we have back home , where our Army rifle makes a big noise . We didn 't bother with that because we were given orders to clear the trail and the firing came from up on a hill . We went around another bend and saw two more Japs lying in the road with blood running from them . They where only kids about the age of fifteen . Their packs and clothes were all ripped apart by the GI 's who had shot them . Souvenirs ' is what they were looking for . We went on past an old grass shack that had radios sets in it that was worth a lot of dough . By that time we had traveled six miles , we went on about a mile or so when we heard firing a short distance from us . It was a B . A . R that was doing the firing . An officer went back to see what was up and when he returned he said that the men in the rear of the company had found three Jap men and a woman in one of the grass shacks . I won 't say what they were doing but I think you can guess . The boys had kicked the door open and saw them inside , without hesitating a minute one of the GI 's opened up with his B . A . R and shot both the Jap men and the woman . We never take chances with the Japs because they could walk out with their hands up and have a hand grenade in their pocket with the pin pulled . They would blow themselves up and us to if they got close enough . We went along the road for about two miles when we came to a bunch of trucks that had machine shops in the back of the trucks . There were lathes and press drills and everything else that you would find in a machine shop . There were a few dead Japs lying in the trucks and around on the ground . By this time we were pretty well out of water and I sure was thirsty . We went a little way further and there was a nice cool mountain stream . We filled our canteens and I drank some without putting any halazone to purify it . A few days later I found out that there was two dead japs lying right in the water that I had been drinking . We reached the river and set up camp . We stayed there three days and went swimming in the river . We got orders to move out on the third day , so we packed and got ready to go . We headed across the river and wen we were all on the other side a spearman came up to us and said " there are some Japs up the road a little further " . We went up the road with the spearman with us to show us where the Japs were . We got to the place where he said the Japs where and we circled the place and sneaked into the huts . It looked like there had been quite a few Japs around there , but we only found two of them . One was dead and the other was wounded by a spearman . The dead Jap was covered with blood from his waist down and it wasn 't even dried so I don 't think he had been dead long . They bandaged up the wounded Jap and put him on a litter and sent him back to the river . From there we marched about three miles where we made cap along the road . We had to stay there for a road block . The first night at about eleven o ' clock the guard opened up with the machine gun . I didn 't think there was anything out there , but the next morning we found a Japs rifle with a bayonet on it lying in the road about twenty feet from where we slept . A bullet had hit the rifle and knocked it out of the Japs hands , but there wasn 't a sign of any Japs anywhere . I don 't know how he ever got away , but he did . We stayed there five days and then we moved back to the river and from there we went back to our base camp near Bagabag . We were there six days and on the sixth night we came in from the movies and they told us to be ready to move out at eight o ' clock the next morning . There was a lot of trouble up in the hills and we had to go up and help . We got up in the hills the next afternoon and stayed in one place for a week or so . When we got to the place one of the boys saw a Jap crawling over the next hill . He shot him and that 's all we saw while we were at that place , but we did hear a lot of shooting up the road aways . We left there in trucks and went about fifty miles up further where we got off the trucks and walked a short ways to Bonarie , where we camped that night . It rained just before we got there and we were all soaking wet . We put up our shelters and after eating some C - rations and tried to get some sleep , but it was so cold that I dint get much sleep . The next morning at about eight o ' clock we pulled out and followed a foot path for about nine miles through the hills . We came to a river where we met some spearmen with five litters with GI 's on them , Three of them where dad and two were wounded . That didn 't make me feel and better seeing that . We crossed the river on two poles that was put there for a bridge . Then we went along some nice patties until we came to some grass huts that were sitting up on some poles . There we rested up a little and filled our canteens with some water that was coming from a rice patty . We left there and started our climb up the mountain side . Our objective was the top of that mountain where K - company was . We started up the mountain , most of the time we had to pull ourselves up by getting hold of trees and brush . That was about the steepest hill I had ever climbed . We got to the top that night just before dark and dug in on the top of the mountain . A couple of days after we got there we got news that the war may be over in two days , wo we didn 't make any pushes then . We were waiting to see if the war would end . Two days later they said that the war had ended . None of the boys hollered or fired their weapons into the air like I thought tey would , they just stood around with big smiles from ear to ear . Everybody was pretty happy then and started to make plans for going home . We ate ten in one rations while we were on the mountain . Our rations were brought to us by plane , and dumped out from the air . Well , the war was over and we were wondering how long it would be before we would go back to our camp near Bagabad . Two days after the end of the war we were to move out . While we were there we didn 't have any attacks , so I guess the Japs were waiting for the war to end too . We did see a few Japs down in the valley , but they were so far that we couldn 't hit them with our rifles . A short way from where we were on another hill there was a machine gun mist that was firing on some spearmen that was coming up to where we were . One of the boys knocked out the Japs machine gun with one of our machine guns and that 's about all that happened while we were there . The day came when it was time for us to leave for camp , so we started down the mountain around noon time . We came to the river that we had crossed coming up , but the bridge was mashed out . We waded across by hanging onto a rope that had been strung across and tied onto a tree . We got back to Banawie at the same place where we spent the night on our way up at six o ' clock that night . We expected to see trucks there waiting for us but no such luck . We spent two nights there and on the third morning trucks came to bring us back . We got back to the camp that night and had a good supper and good night 's sleep . Well , we didn 't have anything to do so the made us put in sand sidewalks and such stiff as that to keep us busy . After a couple of weeks of this they made us train in the mornings until we got ready to move to our next place in the Lingazon Gulf . It was about two months before we left there to go down to the beach in the Lingazon Gulf . We got on trucks at seven o ' clock one night and started our trip . We rode all night and landed on the beach the next morning at eight o ' clock . We had breakfast and started to put our tents up . We stayed there about six weeks before it was time for us to get on a truck and go to Korea . We had a little training while we were there . We left the Philippine islands on October 18th and headed for Korea . It took us six days to reach Korea . We got off the boat and waited in the town all day before we got on a train and headed for Andong . We loaded the train about for o ' clock in the afternoon and got off the Andong the next night at nine o ' clock . We spent three days in a building there and then we got on trucks and came to Niasong where I am now , waiting to go home , in six weeks . We are going back to Andong within a week from now and from there , ( who knows ) . I was close to my Grandfather , most of my childhood he lived with us in a room adjacent to mine . I spent years listening to some of his stories . You see , gramp ( as we kids called him ) was for the most part a quiet person , but when he spoke , needless to say it was always interesting . I remember sitting up with him nights watching movies , we never talked much , but I always knew I was in good company . He moved into his own place when I got to be about 15 and by the time I was 18 I was living in the apartment adjacent to his . I believe it was that short 6 months we lived in that duplex that I got him to tell me more and more stories . We took all of his reel to reel home movies and played them on a screen and I videotaped it with my video cassette recorder . Gramp had hours of black and white home videos and we spent a lot of time recording them onto VCR . I learned a lot about my family from him during that time , but it was just before his death in 1996 that I learned the most interesting part . You see gramp became ill and was no longer able to live alone . He moved in with my parents so they could care for him . Late in 1995 the family decided to clean out his apartment and get rid of a bunch of stuff , some things where thrown out , some things given to family members and some things kept safe . I was appointed by my father to make sure none of the family gave my aunt , whom was left in charge of his estate , any trouble . I really didn 't want to be there , I could care less about material belongings , I cared more about my grandfather , but my dad asked me to be there to watch over his sister , so I went . While watching them clean and fill trash bags full of stuff , I noticed a black book get tossed into a large trash bag . This book looked interesting to me , it appeared to be an old style ledger of a sort , you know the type that had a semi - hard cover that was black and cloth . The book was thin , but had lined paper inside and what appeared to be penciled in handwriting . Needless to say I volunteered to take that bag out to the duGramp never talked to me about his military career , I knew he was in WWII and in the army , I even heard rumor that he was in the Philippines at the time , but he never told me about it . I read on and was astonished to find that it was a diary and firsthand account written in January of 1946 by my grandfather and depicts his 15 month journey during WWII . After enjoying the read , I typed out word for word ( even misspelled words ) the entire story , printed out copies for each of his kids ( and one for myself ) then I sealed the book in plastic and put it away where it still is to this day . In 1997 I moved with my wife and kids to Georgia , before leaving we spent the day at my parent 's house and I got to say goodbye to my grandfather . Being as he was , he really didn 't like the goodbye thing , so he tried like hell to avoid it by falling asleep about ½ hour before we were supposed to leave . He stayed sleeping for 2 hours , but I wasn 't letting him off the hook . We postponed our road trip that few hours and waited for him to wake . When he woke he looked right at me and said " are you still here " of course I told him I wasn 't letting him off the hook that easy . I spent about an hour with him then I got up to leave , instinctively I looked at him and said " well , I 'll see ya later " and he responded " No you wont , you know you wont " . On July 3rd we arrived at my uncle and aunt 's house in Clarkesville G . A . where we stayed for about a week or so until we found ourselves a home . As soon as we got settled in and got the phone turned on I called to talk to my grandfather . He was getting sicker and sicker each day , I called every day at about 5 : 10pm when I got home from work , I got off work at 5 and only lived around the corner , so as soon as I got in I would call and talk to my parents and Gramp . One day I called and my mom answered the phone . I asked " How 's he doin " Mom told me he wasn 't doing too good , that there was not much time left . I could hear her on the phone talking to him " dad , hey dad , Roy 's on troysmith407218 11 Dec 2012 I miss the way you called me kid , even after I grew and had a child of my own . I miss your occasional joke and wise crack , but most of all I miss your love , your wisdom and your guidance . I love you grandpa . |
Javascript must be enabled in order to use several pages found on Fold3 . You will need to enable JavaScript by changing your browser options . Learn how to enable it . In the month of June 1944 I got my invitation to go to Providence , R . I . and take an examination to see if I was fit for military service . After I had my examination they said I would be called into the army within three months . Three months passed and I didn 't hear from them , and I started to think that they had forgotten me . But , I had no such luck . It was a long ride and we landed there at 9 : 30 that night . When we came in sight of the camp lights , the bus driver yelled out " Well , there 's your new home boys " , and I felt like hitting him over the head with a crank . We got off the bus in front of a great long building and after calling our names out for the fifth time that day , we were sent into the building by a corporal with a black eye . When I spotted him with the black eye I sure thought I was in a tough place . I didn 't like it a damn bit either . The next morning we were woke up by a sergeant that let out a yell that could be heard for a mile . I got up and went downstairs to the latrine to wash and shave with the new tools that they had given me as yet it was still dark out , and I wasn 't used to this kind of monkey business . Shortly we were called out , and had our names called off again , after which we were marched over to the mess hall . It was a large hall with nothing but tables and benches . I followed the line and picked up a tray and fork spoon and knife . The spoon was the size of a table spoon like we have back home . I followed the rest of the boys around the counter where German prisoners slapped all kinds of breakfast foods on the trays . That was the first time I ever saw a German prisoner so I looked them over pretty well before I left . On my way out I followed the line out through another door where another prisoner took our trays to be washed . Well , I didn 't know what was going to happen next so I went back to my barracks , where we were put to work sweeping and washing the barracks floor , right then was when I really missed my wife . After we were taken around to the movie where we got a speech from the chaplain and a few other officers . I cant remember just what else we did that day except for getting a couple of shots that scared me to death . Two days passed and we were taken to another long building which looked like a store room . We had to strip naked at the first end of the building and then we went down the aisle where they threw clothes into a basket which we had . Well , when we came out the other end of the building we had a full dress uniform on and a full duffle bag over our shoulders . Finally after seven days we were loaded on a train where there was a band playing for us and took off . Where ? We didn 't know for the present but after we traveled for a day the sergeant in charge told us we were going to Alabama . Fifteen weeks of hell I spent in Fort McCullen , Alabama , and then came the day for us to go home on a ten day furlough , and a very happy day it was . We left for home at eleven O ' clock in the morning and I walked in my door at eight O ' clock the next night . The ten days went by very quickly and soon I found myself on a train heading for Fort Meade , Maryland . We landed there at twelve O ' clock the next day and were fed first of all . I was there seven days , which was long enough for me to get a weekend pass . They wouldn 't give me a pass to go home on , but I made one myself and headed for home . I got held up for three hours in New York but finally I pulled into Providence , Rhode Island at five O ' clock Sunday morning . I couldn 't get a bus for Pascoag until nine O ' clock so I went to my sister - in - laws house and got them to take me home . I got home at nine O ' clock Sunday morning and spent a very short day with my family . At six O ' clock that night I had to leave for Fort Meade again . I left my wife at the depot in Providence and boarded a train . That was the last time I saw her seven months ago . We were sent from Fort Meade Maryland to Camp Stoneman , California . It took us six days to make the trip . We stayed in that camp for nine days and then we were loaded onto a ship . It was a big white ship by the name of U . S . S Walter Reed or something like that . We went by the island where Alcatraz prison was and by then we went under the golden gate . It seemed as if they closed a big door in our faces when the big gate slowly went out of sight . We traveled for thirty days over the Pacific Ocean before we landed in Manila Bay in the Philippine Islands . We passed a number of islands and places such as Guater Canal and other places I can 't remember . We stayed on the boat for two days in the harbor before we were taken ashore . When we got ashore they loaded us into a bunch of box cars , we stayed in those box cars for three hours and ate K - rations for dinner . We finally started our way through the city of Manila . We traveled in those slow moving box cars for twenty miles . We got off the train in a small town called Alabang and walked from there to the first depot which was a mile . It was so hot that our steel helmets would burn us if we touched it and I aint kidding . Anybody that has been in the Philippines will tell the same story . We got into the camp and we were put into our tents where we were to stay while in that camp . We stayed there for two weeks working most of the time . One afternoon we were marched down to Alabang where we got off the train on our way in and boarded another train . This one had a top on it but it wouldn 't hold water . We traveled all night and it rained enough to get us all wet . We got off the train in a town called San Fernando at six O ' clock the next morning . We hung around there until eleven O ' clock that morning and then we were loaded onto trucks and taken on a wild ride over the mountains of Lugon . I never saw so much dust in all my life , and most of it was on me . It took around eight hours to get to the camp where we were going . That was when I joined Co . A - 1st Inf . Of the 6th Army which I am still part of . We were assigned to a platoon and also a tent where we were to stay . They asked me which weapon i liked the best and I told them I would rather use the M . I . Army rifle so I was put into a rifle squad . We stayed there for a couple of weeks and then came an order for us to get ready to go up in the hills where the fighting was going on . I was kind of nervous at the thought but still I wanted to see for myself whatIt was the first part of July when we were loaded into trucks and started our journey up into the hills . We traveled over very bad roads for about seventy miles and then the road was too bad to be traveled by trucks . We got off the trucks and put on our packs with ammunition for our rifles and hand grenades . There was a steep hill we had to climb before we could get on the trail again . It was hot as all merry hell that day and our clothes were pretty well soaked through before we got half way up the hill . I finally made the damn hill and took off my pack , steel helmet and laid my rifle on the top of the pack . My legs where pretty well done in by then so I just sat down and let them rest . My buddy however was carrying a B . A . R . and belt full of ammunition which was plenty heavy . He was still down near the bottom of the hill when I reached the top . I got rested up a little and took off down the hill again to help my buddy lug his load . I took his B . A . R . Gun from him and he had the ammunition . We both made it that time . Some of the others that had reached the top before us had started down the road but we sat around and rested a little more . After sitting beside the road a while and eating a C - ration we started after the others . We walked slowly for a mile or more before we came to a ridge where some men were dug in . We were sent to the further end of the ridge where we dug in . that was the first fox hold I dug since my basic training . The ground was damn hard so we only made a slit trench deep enough to cover us lying down . After we got our holes dug , we spread our ponchos over the top to keep out the rain and sun . Well , I could smell a very bad odor , something like an old dead horse that had been dead for a week , only the smell was much stronger . I decided to look around to see what stunk so much . Down the bank a ways I saw two dead Japs that had been killed a few days before and the hot sun sure brought out the odor . Those where the second Japs that I had seen dead . My appetite was gone then , but I soon go hungry enough , so I ate a little of C - ration . After a while , darkness came so we crawled into our holes to see if we could get some sleep . We each took turns going on guard , and I took my guard once and then settled down to get some sleep . About an hour later I was awoken by a machine gun firing very close to my hole . I was awake in a split second and grabbed for my rifle . By that time every weapon in the company was going and it really sounded like war for a half an hour . Hand grenades were going off and bullets were singing over my hole . I was scared as hell but I just laid there with my rifle cocked and watched for something to move . It was dark as hell then and I could only see the silhouette of a bush and trees in front of me . I didn 't see anything however while all the shooting was going on . The firing stopped after a while and everything was quiet . In a few minutes I was sound asleep again . The next morning we crawled out of our holes and started to find some C - rations to make our breakfast . After we had eaten we packed our equipment and was ready to move out . They told us we had to go as far as the river which we could see down in the valley . It was only a mile away from where we were but we had to go around by the trail , so we pulled out at nine o ' clock and started on our way . We walked along the trail which was about wide enough for one car . There was plenty of mud along the trail but we went on until we came to some Jap trucks and bicycles which were along the trail . We first saw a lot of human bones and skulls laying along the trail , but after a short distance we saw dead japs everywhere that had only been dea for a day or so . Every hole and every crook in the trail we saw dead Japs . We went on a little further and I could smell something that almost made me sick . We rounded a bend and there was a Jap truck in the road . Around the windshield and on it was all black . I couldn 't make out what it was at first but soon I found out when I got a little closer . The black that was on the windshield turned out to be millions of blow flies , and great maggots about an inch long . Curiosity got the best of me and I stopped for a minute to look at a sight which I had never dreamed of even in my worst nightmare . Some of the boys I could see just turned their heads when they passed and looked the other way . We saw many more Japs lying along the trail , but none of them were like this one . We traveled on a little further and met some spear men coming down the trail carrying a littler on their shoulders which held and American soldier with a bandaged leg and head . There was another G . I . with them who had a bloody bandage on his hand . A short distance away we could hear rifle fire , both M . M 's and Jap rifles . We could tell a Jap rifle by the sound of it firing . It sounded like a 22 caliber rifle that we have back home , where our Army rifle makes a big noise . We didn 't bother with that because we were given orders to clear the trail and the firing came from up on a hill . We went around another bend and saw two more Japs lying in the road with blood running from them . They where only kids about the age of fifteen . Their packs and clothes were all ripped apart by the GI 's who had shot them . Souvenirs ' is what they were looking for . We went on past an old grass shack that had radios sets in it that was worth a lot of dough . By that time we had traveled six miles , we went on about a mile or so when we heard firing a short distance from us . It was a B . A . R that was doing the firing . An officer went back to see what was up and when he returned he said that the men in the rear of the company had found three Jap men and a woman in one of the grass shacks . I won 't say what they were doing but I think you can guess . The boys had kicked the door open and saw them inside , without hesitating a minute one of the GI 's opened up with his B . A . R and shot both the Jap men and the woman . We never take chances with the Japs because they could walk out with their hands up and have a hand grenade in their pocket with the pin pulled . They would blow themselves up and us to if they got close enough . We went along the road for about two miles when we came to a bunch of trucks that had machine shops in the back of the trucks . There were lathes and press drills and everything else that you would find in a machine shop . There were a few dead Japs lying in the trucks and around on the ground . By this time we were pretty well out of water and I sure was thirsty . We went a little way further and there was a nice cool mountain stream . We filled our canteens and I drank some without putting any halazone to purify it . A few days later I found out that there was two dead japs lying right in the water that I had been drinking . We reached the river and set up camp . We stayed there three days and went swimming in the river . We got orders to move out on the third day , so we packed and got ready to go . We headed across the river and wen we were all on the other side a spearman came up to us and said " there are some Japs up the road a little further " . We went up the road with the spearman with us to show us where the Japs were . We got to the place where he said the Japs where and we circled the place and sneaked into the huts . It looked like there had been quite a few Japs around there , but we only found two of them . One was dead and the other was wounded by a spearman . The dead Jap was covered with blood from his waist down and it wasn 't even dried so I don 't think he had been dead long . They bandaged up the wounded Jap and put him on a litter and sent him back to the river . From there we marched about three miles where we made cap along the road . We had to stay there for a road block . The first night at about eleven o ' clock the guard opened up with the machine gun . I didn 't think there was anything out there , but the next morning we found a Japs rifle with a bayonet on it lying in the road about twenty feet from where we slept . A bullet had hit the rifle and knocked it out of the Japs hands , but there wasn 't a sign of any Japs anywhere . I don 't know how he ever got away , but he did . We stayed there five days and then we moved back to the river and from there we went back to our base camp near Bagabag . We were there six days and on the sixth night we came in from the movies and they told us to be ready to move out at eight o ' clock the next morning . There was a lot of trouble up in the hills and we had to go up and help . We got up in the hills the next afternoon and stayed in one place for a week or so . When we got to the place one of the boys saw a Jap crawling over the next hill . He shot him and that 's all we saw while we were at that place , but we did hear a lot of shooting up the road aways . We left there in trucks and went about fifty miles up further where we got off the trucks and walked a short ways to Bonarie , where we camped that night . It rained just before we got there and we were all soaking wet . We put up our shelters and after eating some C - rations and tried to get some sleep , but it was so cold that I dint get much sleep . The next morning at about eight o ' clock we pulled out and followed a foot path for about nine miles through the hills . We came to a river where we met some spearmen with five litters with GI 's on them , Three of them where dad and two were wounded . That didn 't make me feel and better seeing that . We crossed the river on two poles that was put there for a bridge . Then we went along some nice patties until we came to some grass huts that were sitting up on some poles . There we rested up a little and filled our canteens with some water that was coming from a rice patty . We left there and started our climb up the mountain side . Our objective was the top of that mountain where K - company was . We started up the mountain , most of the time we had to pull ourselves up by getting hold of trees and brush . That was about the steepest hill I had ever climbed . We got to the top that night just before dark and dug in on the top of the mountain . A couple of days after we got there we got news that the war may be over in two days , wo we didn 't make any pushes then . We were waiting to see if the war would end . Two days later they said that the war had ended . None of the boys hollered or fired their weapons into the air like I thought tey would , they just stood around with big smiles from ear to ear . Everybody was pretty happy then and started to make plans for going home . We ate ten in one rations while we were on the mountain . Our rations were brought to us by plane , and dumped out from the air . Well , the war was over and we were wondering how long it would be before we would go back to our camp near Bagabad . Two days after the end of the war we were to move out . While we were there we didn 't have any attacks , so I guess the Japs were waiting for the war to end too . We did see a few Japs down in the valley , but they were so far that we couldn 't hit them with our rifles . A short way from where we were on another hill there was a machine gun mist that was firing on some spearmen that was coming up to where we were . One of the boys knocked out the Japs machine gun with one of our machine guns and that 's about all that happened while we were there . The day came when it was time for us to leave for camp , so we started down the mountain around noon time . We came to the river that we had crossed coming up , but the bridge was mashed out . We waded across by hanging onto a rope that had been strung across and tied onto a tree . We got back to Banawie at the same place where we spent the night on our way up at six o ' clock that night . We expected to see trucks there waiting for us but no such luck . We spent two nights there and on the third morning trucks came to bring us back . We got back to the camp that night and had a good supper and good night 's sleep . Well , we didn 't have anything to do so the made us put in sand sidewalks and such stiff as that to keep us busy . After a couple of weeks of this they made us train in the mornings until we got ready to move to our next place in the Lingazon Gulf . It was about two months before we left there to go down to the beach in the Lingazon Gulf . We got on trucks at seven o ' clock one night and started our trip . We rode all night and landed on the beach the next morning at eight o ' clock . We had breakfast and started to put our tents up . We stayed there about six weeks before it was time for us to get on a truck and go to Korea . We had a little training while we were there . We left the Philippine islands on October 18th and headed for Korea . It took us six days to reach Korea . We got off the boat and waited in the town all day before we got on a train and headed for Andong . We loaded the train about for o ' clock in the afternoon and got off the Andong the next night at nine o ' clock . We spent three days in a building there and then we got on trucks and came to Niasong where I am now , waiting to go home , in six weeks . We are going back to Andong within a week from now and from there , ( who knows ) . I was close to my Grandfather , most of my childhood he lived with us in a room adjacent to mine . I spent years listening to some of his stories . You see , gramp ( as we kids called him ) was for the most part a quiet person , but when he spoke , needless to say it was always interesting . I remember sitting up with him nights watching movies , we never talked much , but I always knew I was in good company . He moved into his own place when I got to be about 15 and by the time I was 18 I was living in the apartment adjacent to his . I believe it was that short 6 months we lived in that duplex that I got him to tell me more and more stories . We took all of his reel to reel home movies and played them on a screen and I videotaped it with my video cassette recorder . Gramp had hours of black and white home videos and we spent a lot of time recording them onto VCR . I learned a lot about my family from him during that time , but it was just before his death in 1996 that I learned the most interesting part . You see gramp became ill and was no longer able to live alone . He moved in with my parents so they could care for him . Late in 1995 the family decided to clean out his apartment and get rid of a bunch of stuff , some things where thrown out , some things given to family members and some things kept safe . I was appointed by my father to make sure none of the family gave my aunt , whom was left in charge of his estate , any trouble . I really didn 't want to be there , I could care less about material belongings , I cared more about my grandfather , but my dad asked me to be there to watch over his sister , so I went . While watching them clean and fill trash bags full of stuff , I noticed a black book get tossed into a large trash bag . This book looked interesting to me , it appeared to be an old style ledger of a sort , you know the type that had a semi - hard cover that was black and cloth . The book was thin , but had lined paper inside and what appeared to be penciled in handwriting . Needless to say I volunteered to take that bag out to the duGramp never talked to me about his military career , I knew he was in WWII and in the army , I even heard rumor that he was in the Philippines at the time , but he never told me about it . I read on and was astonished to find that it was a diary and firsthand account written in January of 1946 by my grandfather and depicts his 15 month journey during WWII . After enjoying the read , I typed out word for word ( even misspelled words ) the entire story , printed out copies for each of his kids ( and one for myself ) then I sealed the book in plastic and put it away where it still is to this day . In 1997 I moved with my wife and kids to Georgia , before leaving we spent the day at my parent 's house and I got to say goodbye to my grandfather . Being as he was , he really didn 't like the goodbye thing , so he tried like hell to avoid it by falling asleep about ½ hour before we were supposed to leave . He stayed sleeping for 2 hours , but I wasn 't letting him off the hook . We postponed our road trip that few hours and waited for him to wake . When he woke he looked right at me and said " are you still here " of course I told him I wasn 't letting him off the hook that easy . I spent about an hour with him then I got up to leave , instinctively I looked at him and said " well , I 'll see ya later " and he responded " No you wont , you know you wont " . On July 3rd we arrived at my uncle and aunt 's house in Clarkesville G . A . where we stayed for about a week or so until we found ourselves a home . As soon as we got settled in and got the phone turned on I called to talk to my grandfather . He was getting sicker and sicker each day , I called every day at about 5 : 10pm when I got home from work , I got off work at 5 and only lived around the corner , so as soon as I got in I would call and talk to my parents and Gramp . One day I called and my mom answered the phone . I asked " How 's he doin " Mom told me he wasn 't doing too good , that there was not much time left . I could hear her on the phone talking to him " dad , hey dad , Roy 's on troysmith407218 11 Dec 2012 I miss the way you called me kid , even after I grew and had a child of my own . I miss your occasional joke and wise crack , but most of all I miss your love , your wisdom and your guidance . I love you grandpa . |
Writing this weekend 's story shares was one of the most emotional experiences I have faced with this blog so far . For me the breakup with the 5 - year was a story that needed to be told before I can go further in many of my postings . I feel as if readers need a better background to understand where my blog is going . But for me personally it was so emotionally draining that it took me multiple attempts to write it . Going through detail after detail wracked my brain so hard that after about 5 minutes of writing I had to take a break . The knot in my stomach was growing each time I went back , but in my mind this post needed to be put out there . After I had completed them and posted them I went back to read them one more time . Those two blogs are two I am extremely proud of . I feel as if writing them was very therapeutic for me . I see myself as a strong individual , that forcefully gets over things quickly mostly by blocking them out , but these posts made me remember and with that came pain . But with the pain came further healing . It has been a few years since this all happened and I have dealt with most of the grief but writing these posts brought up more than I was expecting . I see it all as a good thing though . I see it as progress . 2 days after he left he changed his Facebook status to in a relationship with her and started posting pictures of everything they were doing together . After he left I lost about 20lbs in 13 days . I didn 't eat . All I did was sleep . I only dragged myself to some of my classes , ending up with low grades that semester . I was falling apart day by day and nothing could help me . I ended up in the hospital multiple times with severe chest pains , which I now attribute to dehydration and mainly heart break . I had no one in my life to talk to other than my mother , and she was being stubborn with trying to wipe him out of my memory . I needed my own time to heal and gather my thoughts . Icouldn 't be forced to move forward by anyone . Moving on is the hardest , most grueling process you will ever know or face . For some moving on isn 't an option , for others it is not needed . Some may need days , other years , or others yet who need lifetimes . Eventually though through own self perseverance and strength I believe everyone has it in them to move on . The most important part to starting this process is realizing that you are somebody . That no matter what , that person didn 't take you . You always had you . You might have been with them , changed who you seem to be , but when they leave you are still you . You might be bruised and broken , and shattered into a thousand pieces , but piece by piece you can rebuild yourself . It took almost 2 years for me to get to where I am now . I am over him and what he did to me . I have grown significantly in the time since he has left . I am finally able to say I am proud of myself for standing on my own , for figuring out who I really am as a person , not who I was with him . I felt like I was losing him , that I needed to assert myself to make sure he remembered I was his girl . We had been together for almost 5 years , he had to remember that and all of our moments . I started down the lovey dovey path . I made him videos with all of our cute pictures . I stopped by his work as much as possible and dropped off his favorite food . I started to befriend any coworker I could , make sure they all knew who I was and that I was a good girl friend . I even went to the point of hanging out with her . Twice we hung out as a group , we didn 't really talk much but I was there . I made points to kiss my ex on cue . Hold his hand as much as I could . Just make sure she knew he was taken . We went fishing together one day , just the two of us and I asked to use his phone for a second . I knew what I was doing . Lately he had been making it a point to hide his phone and delete texts . This time I asked to use it to look up something online . We were having a fine day and he was not even thinking about what I was going to do . He handed it to me and he cast his line . I opened the messages . I was done . My heart was crushed . I felt like I wanted to vomit . But I went on acting like nothing was wrong . Yet again my brain said there was no definitive evidence he was cheating . Was it inappropriate , yes , but was there much else , sadly no . This was the beginning of the end . My fear turned me into this jealous beast that couldn 't let go of the fact something was going on . We had so many talks . So many talks . I don 't even remember how many late nights we had sitting around just talking about it . In the start of summer he was asking me what type of engagement ring I wanted one day and moving in together . By the end we were hardly talking and he was acting so shady . Nights we were supposed to hang out he was gone . He didn 't answer his phone until the next day . I had learned that he had been going up to his friend 's apartment which was a party house . What he withheld from me was that every time he took her . I found out through comments on facebook , which he shortly deleted . I confronted him again . He proceeded to write me a love letter , saying that he will always be mine , that she means nothing , she is out of the picture . I believed it . My heart was his . For 5 years we had been together . He had been all that I had ever known and his word meant something to me . A life without him seemed impossible . My mind couldn 't even imagine it . It was him , and it was always going to be him . He turned the talks into making me look crazy . That I was just the psychotic jealous girl friend . I started to believe it . I truly believed that I was turning into a monster and was pushing him away . Because of this I stopped bringing any of it up . I went on like normal . I tried to contain my feelings the best I could . In the very beginning of the school year he came over after class . I had stopped by his car and dropped him off some food . I knew he would be hungry , and I didn 't want him to be hungry . I was trying . I was trying my hardest to act normal , to calm down my jealous ways , to move on like the summer had never happened . We went over to the park and just sat there talking for 4 hours . I said if he needed time to think that would be okay . I said that he could leave if he came back . I said if he needed time to figure out his mind it would be okay . He said he loved me . He said he didn 't know what he wanted . He said he needed time . I gave him the weekend . I said lets talk on Sunday . I didn 't realize he was literally not going to say a word to me until Sunday , 6 days away . And I promised him I wouldn 't say anything to him , not unless he messaged me first . Every day I stared at my phone , hoping , praying I would see a message from him . I waited and waited . Nothing . My aunt came down that weekend just because , and Saturday night we went out to dinner . She asked about him . He was a part of the family by this point . I didn 't respond . My mother pulled her aside and told her what was going on . The entire time I went to my mother , leaving out some parts because I didn 't want her to judge me . She knew he was being unfaithful but didn 't have the strength to tell me . It was best for me to figure it out for myself . Plus I didn 't want to hear those words . I didn 't want to think of a future without him . The restaurant was right next to his work . We walked in , my eyes stayed focus on the doors of his work . His car was there . Her car was parked right next to his . I knew she was there . I knew in those moments that when I was weak and crumbling he was having the time of his life . I messaged him Sunday morning , since he never did . We decided to meet at the park again . I got dressed to the nines , making sure he knew what he was losing , and I left . I knew it was over . I drove to that park fueled with anger . The lack of response showed he knew it was over as well . We walked up the hill and sat on the benches . He sat on one end and I on the other . He looked down the entire time . He never had the courage to say that he was breaking up with me . Instead he spewed lies and said that he was scared to be with me because I was so fragile . Because of my MEDICAL conditions he was leaving me . He was afraid to touch me anymore . That I was too sick and it was impairing his quality of life . That he couldn 't truly live with me in his life . That he wanted to have fun and not worry about what would happen to me . I told him I 'm not stupid . I told him I know what 's going on . I told him that I hope his decisions make him happy and that he can live with himself . I said after 5 years some girl that whored herself around work , who is also 2 years younger than you and underage is what you picked . That you chose her over me , and that you are no man . I didn 't spit what I wanted to at him . I just said I hope he was happy , and I picked myself up and walked away . I was 15 and just entering the high school era that would be filled with all new experiences . Over that summer my remaining friends either betrayed me and left me behind , or were no longer going to public school . So starting out the year I had no one and it broke my heart . I was again a loner with no one to turn to . I fit into the group that no one else wanted , and even then wasn 't exactly wanted there either . When the opportunity came up to hang out with all my old friends I jumped , that would be the time to rekindle the close bonds we had lost over months of lack of communication . I met my old best friend at the food court at the local mall , there we met up with some of my other friends but also new people who had taken my place for all of them . I was laughing and having a good time . It was just like the old days of running around being kids . Not a care in the world . It 's there where I met him . My friend introduced me in of all places Hot Topic . He was goofy but seemed like a bad boy . His fro was out of this world and his smile was intoxicating . No one had looked at me like that ever . The entire night we chatted and hung close to each other . I was oblivious to the flirting , but he got my number and the rest was history . We would text each other constantly . He was all I could think about . My 15 year old mind was overjoyed . Although he didn 't go to my school we still were able to hang out on weekends . A few weeks into knowing him I asked if he wanted to be my boyfriend . I was 15 , headstrong , and naive . He said yes and the rest was history . I was with him for 5 years . We grew up together in pivotal times in both of our lives . I was struggling at home with my medical problems and father drama , but he was my freedom . He was the one that kept me going . He was always there for me no matter what . He eventually turned into the only person I had . The friends at school left me , the home life was silent , and I was all alone . But in my mind I had him . Eventually we both lost our v - cards together and became each others best friend . I was happy with only having him . It seemed right , and it seemed that my love story would have a happy ending . We talked about getting married , moving in together , maybe even one day starting a family . We vacationed together . We explored together . We did everything together . When I was diagnosed with POTS he was there . When I couldn 't talk because it hurt too much he would bear with me . When I was going to be put under for testing he would send me flowers and teddy bears . He genuinely seemed to care . By the time my step - father had left he had been there through my court battles , medical struggles and continuing diagnosis , being home schooled , and being completely bedridden for 6 months . We started college together , sadly at different universities but still within driving distance . We had started the relationship seeing each other once a weekend , then maybe a few times a week once he drove , then almost every day when I drove . So with the different universities I saw no trouble . By the time we both completed freshman year he was able to transfer to my school , which I thought would be the best thing ever . He also had gotten a new job over that Christmas , which meant he had new people at work that I didn 't know . Slowly I met everyone but was kept on the outskirts . They were much older anyways since it was an auto - parts store . By the time summer rolled around things were going to change . There was a new girl . She stayed away from me , but hung out with everyone else there . She knew I was his girl . She saw me there . I had ruled her out as nothing after discussing my fears with him . He understood and told me not to worry , they were just friends . As the summer started I could see him pulling away . My fear was that he was with her , though I had no proof . I voiced my concerns as much as possible . Voiced my concerns over his work schedule that was increasing and increasing by his own choice . By midsummer he got so angry at me that he refused to talk to me for a week . He was struggling with his own family and the after effects of a nasty divorce . I let him have that time to cool down , I knew if I said any more it would just push him away . I thought he occupied himself with work , I was wrong . Once the communication lines were reopened we were back to normal . I looked the other way as it it had never happened . Everything was fine . Everything was going to be okay again . Then one day he left his phone out . I went to go take a selfie to make his new background , and there it was . The chain of messages . I knew I shouldn 't have looked , that it was his phone and his privacy , but it was also my heart and my feelings . For the entire week he had confided in her . The chain included many many days where they were hanging out , doing who knows what . There were questionable messages but still again , no definitive evidence . My mind shut it out , my mind still told me it was okay . It broke my heart that he was talking to her and not me though and that couldn 't be ignored . I again voiced my fears with him . He again told me not to worry . She was just a friend . It was another night of screaming . Another night of hiding behind my bed trying not to make a sound . They were going at it again , my mother and my step - dad , and I couldn 't help but listen . I heard the argument get more heated than ever , then the crash of something , then the footsteps upstairs . I quivered , I knew it was my mother . She came in and told me to stay in my room , that he had called the police on her . I waited in my room while the police came in and questioned everyone . Apparently my mother had " scratched " him when he threatening to call the police with the phone in hand . He had already dialed 911 and by the time my mother whacked it out of his hand they were on their way . The house was quiet after the police left . I went downstairs to stay with my mother and make sure she wasn 't going to do anything she would regret . He sat in the lazy boy chair my mother bought him . As my mother told me what happened in the kitchen he decided to make some sly comments from the living room , making it obvious for my mother to hear . He was egging her on just like he always did , and my mother still hadn 't calmed down from the incident right before . I stood in the doorway to the kitchen with my arms stretched out to block my mother from coming through . He made comment after comment , fueling my mother 's fire . As she was screaming at the top of her lungs I blocked her , I at least contained it to the kitchen . He sat in his chair , never leaving , just spitting fire . I screamed at my mother he isn 't worth it . I kept yelling it over and over and over again . Eventually I led my mother upstairs to her room and made sure she wasn 't coming out . The next week they were fighting yet again and I came downstairs to be a mediator . This was my role now , no matter how sick I was . Being the mediator came with the danger of failing , which I did many nights . This time though I screamed at him to leave , go to the movies or something . All he heard was leave and with this he was in my face spitting anger of how this was his house . Yet again a father figure inches from my face exploding . My mother quickly put herself in front of me and finished the fight without me . As time passed I started fighting back . I would spit fire right back at him . I would shake and cry and keep going until he shut up . I was done with him walking over everyone just because he was taking a different path . The fights were over many things . Mostly over me , or the financial situation . In his head my medical condition was a joke , that I was faking it . After all the years of him being a support . He literally carried me out of the house to be taken to the hospital . He saw how sick I was . He saw everything that had happened to me . He might have no been an active player in my life but he was there to see it all happen . The financial situation was grim with my mother on unemployment dealing with her cancer treatment and he well , he saved . He refused to spend any money . He paid half the mortgage and that was it . My mother 's half , even though she was fighting cancer , was still up to her to pay . This man said he was finding himself . When he came up short he took it out on my mother . Soon they just stopped talking all together . The house was a war zone with only a minute ceasefire put into place . As the months passed of the two of them not talking I actually surprisingly bonded with him . I had no one else to talk to so on nights when he was home we would talk . We talked about his life and his journey . At one point I even was happy for him because he deserved to be happy . I thought if he could find himself then he could mend the relationship with my mother and all would be well again . Plus with neither of them talking the house was quiet and the tension faded . A few weeks before my prom I was sitting on the sofa , my mother in a horrible mood , and I decided to make a sly comment . I remember saying , " god , what is up your butt today " . The most teenage thing to say of course . Little did I know that exact day was when he decided he was leaving for good . When prom arrived I still had no idea what was going on . My mother had composed herself and put on a happy face . My aunt came down to see me off to prom and enjoy this once in a lifetime experience . During pictures was when I realized he wasn 't present . I remember asking where he was , I wanted to take a picture with him . He had gone inside and eventually left for " yoga " . A week later my mother came to me and told me what was going on . He was moving out , he had already found a place to stay and refused to tell my mother where he was going . She told me she asked one night that it would be nice to see more of him , and that she missed him , his response was that he was leaving and ready to go . He told her during the week , and by the weekend he took only a handful of things and was gone . He took the drawers and emptied them into boxes , really only taking some clothes and some electronics . Then he was gone . When on the journey of finding oneself does ripping up others matter ? Does the cost of your happiness mean more to you than all the others around you ? Are you yourself doing what is actually right , or doing what you perceive as right ? I thought these things as he sat in front of me , no remorse in his face , no hint of pain in his eyes . He said he was leaving to find himself and he couldn 't find himself here . He said this is what he needed to do , and with that he walked out the door and walked out on a family that was left torn in half . My mother met my step - dad when she was with my father very early on and they all became great friends . Eventually my godfather was introduced and the final gang was formed . Everyone got married and had kids , and still stayed together as a pack . They vacationed together and hung out together , and when it was finally time for my mother to leave my abusive father they stayed with her instead of him . One after the other they all got divorced , and as fate saw it my mother ended up in a relationship with my step - dad . When my mother was able to she bought her first house and a few years later my step - dad moved in . I couldn 't be happier . He had two kids of his own my age and I grew up with them by my side . Of course he didn 't have custody so it was only on occasion I saw them , but during my summers off I bonded with them every moment I got . And I truly bonded to my step - dad since he was more of a father figure than my own dad . Together we formed this nontraditional family that just seemed to fit . In the early years the two of them seemed so happy together . It seemed like it was meant to be , that my mother after all of this time could be in a happy healthy relationship . But it was far from what it turned out to be . Year after year my medical condition got worse , and with that brought problems . Then when I finally took my father to court it was the last straw . The home life turned for the worst and the fighting started to spiral out of control . My teenage years I spent in my room , away from the nights where punches were practically thrown . My mother with her temper and my step - dad with his below the belt punches . There was no stopping them . The screaming would go on for hours and even when it was over he would go back for more . Neither of them were happy , but my mother insisted he was the love of her life . He was meant to be with her , and she was meant to be with him . Around the same time as my POTS diagnosis came the shocking news of my mother having breast cancer . I remember being in my room and they both come in , both with half smiles on their face . He leaned up against the wall and my mother sat next to me . She told me they had found a mass in her breast and it came back cancerous . I was in shock . How could this have happened to my mother ? She explained that it was only stage 1 and that it did not spread , but it was one of the most aggressive forms of cancer and she needed further treatment . My mother being who she is opted for just the radiation therapy and biweekly injections of a substance that would shut down the proteins of those cells . They pushed for chemo but opinion after opinion said that she didn 't really need to get it since it was only stage 1 and did not spread . They did want to give her a port though , which she said no to because then she would have to tell people since you could see the port . Without the port though her veins would be ruined . She accepted this fate if it meant she could hide this diagnosis from the world . She was fighting for her life and the only people she told was my step - dad and me . No one else in the family was told for her own sake , since then everyone would want to help her . My mother is the strongest woman I know and she didn 't want to be pitied . Telling people would just make them look at her weak , as someone who is now fighting for her life . She wanted nothing to do with that . After a botched tube was placed for her pinpoint radiation therapy she had to go back in for more surgery . Each time she would come home and my step - dad was in charge of helping her clean the open wound and helping support her . She was sliced and diced , and came home often with blood soaking through the bandages . She couldn 't come to me in her weakened state because in her eyes that was not right to show me , she had to be the caregiver , not the other way around . She never cried in front of me . She never broke down in front of me . The entire time I saw her as a fighter , which gave me strength to go on in my own fight . On top of everything else my mother was going through she was forced to resign from work because of the recovery period . In her mind it was the right thing to do , since battling cancer and holding a job in corporate America isn 't exactly the easiest thing to do . Plus this gave her the time to watch after me since I was also extremely weak and vulnerable . By the summer of my junior year of high school I saw less and less of my step - dad . I was told he was working late . He would roll in around 10pm and would be gone before I woke up in the morning . I always heard him come in since my window faces the driveway . And for about a year he was sleeping in the spare , apparently due to snoring ( which let me tell you he did . I heard him through the walls ) . Then it was because my mother didn 't want someone else in bed with her during the cancer treatment . Then it was just normal , they just didn 't sleep together . There was never any affection . It was a cold house of him just being there . It was either he was there and they fought or he wasn 't there and my mother would make excuses . That was now the norm . As my senior year rolled around and I was homebound yet again he came to us with exciting news . He had started yoga classes and joined the local YMCA . I was a little shocked honestly . This man was 6 ' 3 , easily almost 300 lbs , not exactly the yoga type . But that is what he wanted to do , and to keep him happy my mother supported him . As months went on his training took a more serious tone and he turned into this man that none of us knew . This man we knew was turning crooked . He had branched out of what either of us knew . The status quo was being challenged and he broke away from what was expected of him . But this left uncovered a dead man who wanted nothing more to reblossom . His life was yoga . There was nothing else . He decided he wanted to be trained to be a yoga master and yet again my mother supported him . He would come home with all of this weird information , come home saying that yoga can cure anything , come home saying that yoga would cure my mother of cancer and cure me of all my illnesses . He was crazed with the idea of being reborn . He wanted to cleanse his body of all evil spirits and be new again . He juiced like crazy , far more than recommended . He would fast for weeks in order to cleanse his body . Overall this large Italian man was turning into a husk of nothing . The light in his eyes was gone yet the smile on his face remained . The wrinkles grew along his thinning face . He was turning into a man that no one had ever seen before . It happened yesterday , another flare up out of the blue . I woke up early to head out for my Praxis II exams , which was then followed by my teaching assessment class midterm . I wasn 't worried about how much testing I was going to have to go through , it was more of just wanting the day to be over with . Once the exams were complete I headed home , finally able to rest . I had a nice lunch and took a relaxing shower , then decided to lay my head down for a few before heading out to my education based math class for yet another exam . And that 's when it hit me . I was laying there and I could feel it , the creeping pain spreading from my neck to the front of my head . It wrapped around my left eye and started to pulse . My back started to tingle and the shooting pain exploded to every inch of my body . I told myself it was just a headache and to not worry . I took some Tylenol and hoped for the best . It wasn 't helping , and my status was deteriorating at an even faster rate . My legs ached and were ice cold . I was having rapid hot / cold flashes . I was in pain from head to toe . By the time I was at school my mind was completely absent . I looked around and it felt like I wasn 't even there . By the time I sat down in my chair for the exam it felt like I was in a dream , those moments when you are dreaming something so real it feels real . Except mine was the exact opposite . I was there , and this wasn 't a dream . As the exams were passed out I realized I was screwed . It was a packet of 10 pages with questions we hardly even covered . I went through each page and picked out what I automatically knew . When I hit the simple addition problems I stared at the page blankly . The question was to write a real world example for - 5 - - 5 . The answer was 0 , but my brain could not think of anything that made sense . I flipped to the next page . Find the error : 10 - - 14 = 4 . I looked at the problem , stared at it for a good five minutes . The error was obvious and could be applied to the rest of the problem , but my brain just stopped . I looked at the numbers and they seemed so foreign . I went to write my answer and explanation but my hand didn 't want to hold the pencil . Attempt after attempt I failed , I couldn 't hold the pencil and write properly . My handwriting on the test was so poorly written , the spaces between large font letters and sentences made it seem like I was in grade school . But no , just a senior in college having a horrible episode . When the test was over we had class , 2 more grueling hours of mathematics . By this time I could no longer speak , or sit up straight , or even really look up . I sat in my chair hunched over with my hoodie bunched up around my neck . I was an icicle . At some moments it felt like my breath was even cold . The class passed and I wiggled and waddled out of my seat , having to pause while my blood pressure caught up with the rest of my body . Walking back to my car I was so dizzy and I could hardly breathe . The massive change in temperature blasted me as I went from a lukewarm classroom to a freezing windy outside . As I managed into the car I just wanted to cry . I was so out of it that even the emotional process of crying was too much for my brain to handle . So I drove home with this heavy feeling in my chest . I felt like a failure , a down right absolute failure . I cursed all of this medical garbage I was dealt and thought of all my other classmates who could care less that I looked like I was dying in my seat . I thought of how wonderful it must be to not be sick all the time , how amazing life must be when your wings haven 't been clipped . At moments like these I wonder what my life would have been like it I never would have gotten sick . How much different would things have turned out ? If I was given the ability to fly from day one would I be someone completely different ? If I was given the ability to fly forever would I be like everyone else around me ? My entire life I lived with symptoms , symptoms that seemingly didn 't fit together . All the doctors looked only at what they were trained for , sticking with what they knew best . But when more than a decade goes by and you are still struggling to live a normal life isn 't it time to wake up and realize that there might be a bigger picture . After completing high school and entering into the world of college everything seemed to be going pretty steady . My symptoms were manageable enough to attend class , but after my classes ended I would travel home weary and tired . The brain fog consumed my thoughts . I slept when I could and never went out at night . My life consisted of going to and from the university just for educational purposes , the social life was still at a standstill . Having been diagnosed with POTS my life consisted of maintaining the symptoms and hoping flare ups would be left at bay . My life was also very limited after seeing the cranial osteopath , I was told what I can and cannot do . The list of activities I couldn 't do grew practically every trip . It was hard to have fun when you knew that anything out of the ordinary could mess you up . Even sitting in a different chair could jam my tailbone , or lying on a pillow too high which would push my skull forward . I had to calculate my life down to a tee . Anything else would result in a flare up which would cause me to miss class , and even the disabilities office refused to work with me on my absences . I had to push myself through or face the thought of being forced on medical leave from the university and be pressed further behind on my degree progress . Year after year went by and I could control most of my flare ups , I was far from perfect but it was still better than being bedridden . I was succeeding in school maintaining a high GPA even with my numerous absences and brain not being there half the time . In my junior year my cardiologist called me and told me he could no longer see me because his practice was refusing to see POTS patients . This happened once before when I was a minor still and the practice said no minors . He referred me to another doctor in the practice who would solely fill my prescriptions . When I finally had an appointment I was told he would only fill some of what I needed . The main problem was the sleep medication I was on , which he refused to refill . My entire life I have had sleep issues and after seeing the old cardiologist for a while he put me on Trazadone and after the Trazadone didn 't work he prescribed Ambien . The thing with Ambien is that doctors really don 't want you taking it every day for long periods of time . By this point I had been on the Ambien almost 3 years , prescribed to take up to 20mg a night every night . The next doctor refused to fill it , and I was left with my lingering supply to hopefully make it to the next doctor . Ambien has a nasty withdrawal and to flat out not prescribe it to someone who has been on it for years is wrong , especially when you know it does have a withdrawal process . And the real kicker was that not sleeping was a huge trigger for my flare ups . I decided it was time to leave that practice all together since the doctor that would see me was not filling half of my medications and not caring about weaning me off of anything . Luckily I was able to make an appointment at a top heart center in the area and see a doctor who specifically treated POTS patients . The appointment was months away but I could wait , my hope was that she would recommend something else to help me feel like a human again . My life was so controlled by my diagnosis and I couldn 't break free no matter what I tried . I was starting to think I was a lost cause . When the day of the appointment rolled around my mother came with because this was an incredibly important event to attend . The massive heart center must have spanned over 3 football fields with an extremely modern design . I was hopeful just walking through the door . I needed desperately a fresh take on my POTS diagnosis . When we were ushered into the backroom the doctor enters wearing the typical white doctors garb . She was beyond intense for having the thinnest frailest body imaginable . She talked fast and at some points I couldn 't even understand her . She asked me to tell my story , which I did . Excuse me ? Wait what ? What did she just say ? I looked at my mother , as she looked back at me almost in a rage . What do you mean I don 't have POTS ? She asked me to take away the POTS diagnosis and describe my symptoms . I continue . Explaining my situation was very difficult without adding in the POTS symptoms . I was associating everything with that word . My brain fog , the blood pressure changes , the intolerance to hot and cold , the inability to exercise , the aches and pains I have all over , the chronic fatigue , all of my stomach problems , the cold sweats I would get , even my sleep issues . Everything I could think of I associated with the POTS diagnosis . Well after all I 've been told this over and over again for years by my former doctor . Everything I had was POTS . All the symptoms were POTS . I couldn 't do this because of POTS . I couldn 't do that because of POTS . It was hard explaining it any other way . But it was a misdiagnosis . Everything I was told was not true . After living with this diagnosis for 6 years I was told I do not have POTS . I was skeptical . So was my mother . In fact she started back talking the doctor who immediately talked over her . My mother is no wimpy woman and would never let me be pushed around by a doctor . She voiced her opinion while I sit there stunned , now rethinking practically my entire life . The doctor told us that POTS is a regularly misdiagnosed syndrome since there is no official test to prove you have it . It is simply diagnosed by looking at your symptoms and labeling you with something so they can begin treatment . She also added that most people who truly have POTS are elderly people who can 't get up since they immediately pass out . Things like this did anger me since I knew it wasn 't true . I know in my case it might not have been POTS but by doing research it is most common in adolescents . Not once had I heard it be diagnosed to elderly patients only . She also questioned if my stomach problems actually existed which also frustrated me till no end . This woman sat there and decided to pick me apart piece by piece and tell me it was all a lie . I was questioning POTS but I was not questioning my stomach issues or migraines . Let 's just say this woman was a straight up bitch in white that had no problem exploding your brain with completely new information then stomping on you by insulting the support at home . To end the appointment she told my mother to be more accepting of this news and for me to keep a journal every day , then I would see her in 6 months . To see the look on my mother 's face must have been priceless . But I signaled my mother to not say anything so we could get out of there and have a real discussion with just the two of us . |
A lot has happened since I really got on here the last time . Matthew and I celebrated 8 years of marriage last week . Whoo - hoo ! : ) This was taken right after we came back from our honeymoon . Neither of us REALLY wanted to get back out , in our wedding day clothes and take more pictures . However , now we are both very thankful that my father - in - law talked us into doing it . Also , school has begun for Ally , Noah and me . Ally was a little unsure about a new teacher , new classmates and the big jump from kindergarten to first grade , but she is loving it ! Noah started preschool and enjoys having one of his best friends in his class and also loves all of the " fun stuff " that his teacher does with her class . As for me , I am enjoying every moment of it ! ! I have 8 little 4 yr . olds , and they are . . . well , 4 yrs . olds ! ! ! : ) We have our ups and downs , but I try to look at the downs as challenges that make me a better and stronger teacher . There is one little girl who reminds me so much of my little Ally at that age . A very smart , outgoing little girl ! The first week , I had each of my students come to the front of the class and share a little bit about themselves . I had to drag information out of each of them except for this little girl . She got up and said something very similar to , " First of all , before I get started , I would like to thank you all for coming today . I would also like to thank God for all that he has done for me . . . " . She then shared quite a bit of information about herself . A few days later , she came in that morning and asked to make an announcement to the class . She stood in front of the class , like she prefers to do , and again thanked them all for coming and God , for what he has done for her . Then she told the class that she would choose one of them to be her helper for the day . I had to stop her there and continue with our morning routine . : ) They all make me smile for one reason or another , but I will stop rambling on about " my kids " . I am so happy to be able to share chapel time with the others there and see NoaPosted by Ok , so first of all , somehow I did a " system restore " on my computer right after adding more memory . This restored my PC back to the way it was when I first bought it ! I had to re - add a lot of programs and re - delete the ones that I didn 't want or use . Anyway , it could have been much worse ! All of my pictures and documents are still there ! : ) My computer was running low on memory and I decided that I couldn 't put it off any longer and had to add more . I have done this once before , so after re - reading the instructions on what to do ( and what NOT to do ) , I felt very confident purchasing and adding more . Two nights ago I opened up my computer to reassure myself that I knew what I had , needed and was going to buy . The inside had quite a bit of lint , so I used the hose on my vacuum cleaner and very carefully vacuumed it out . I took the current memory stick out and after looking at it for a brief moment , I put it back in it 's place . Then I closed it back up and restarted my computer . Right away , new notices and messages started popping up , including something like , " congratulations on the purchase of your new computer " ! What ? ! Then an option for a tour popped up along with many others to add things and change settings and such . The first thing that I did , was to check for my photos and documents that had been saved . Yay ! ! ! They were still there ! Whew ! ! ! What a relief ! All of the programs that I had were still showing on my desktop , along with several new ones ( ones that I think I deleted shortly after I bought the computer ) . This seemed extremely strange , but it could be much worse ! I went that next day and bought what I needed and added it as soon as I got home . I was so happy to see that it was running MUCH faster again and went to open a program that I use often . It wouldn 't open . It said something about the registration info missing . I tried another program that I had added , and the same thing . Then I got a little worried ! After trying a few things , I think I am just going to have to add these back one at a time . Has anyone ever experienced this ? Know how or why this happened ? Maybe have a clue how to easily fix it ? : ) I asked someone when I was buying the memory , but they told me that they don 't understand why this would have happened . I am a pretty optimistic person , and find myself saying a lot , " things could always be worse ! " . In this case , it is soPosted by Two days ago , I got out on the mower to mow the lawn again . Noah and Ally both like to ride with me for a little while , then they get tired and get off . This day , Noah got on with me as soon as I got started and rode for several laps around the backyard . He was barely sitting on the front edge of the seat in front of me , kind of standing while leaning back . I thought it would be more fun for him to steer ( with a little help , of course ) and put his hands on the steering wheel . It seemed like every time we made a turn he would let go , so I would put his hands back on the wheel . I also gently pushed the back of his head up against me , so that when we went over bumps , his head wouldn 't bounce anymore . After making several rounds like this , I looked down and realized that he was about out of it ! ! His eyes were closed and he was trying to sleep ! The poor thing ! No wonder he kept letting go of the wheel . I don 't know how he continued to stand there . I lifted him up and placed him on my lap . Then he went from my lap to over my shoulder . I finally decided to take him in . : ) My poor baby was exhausted ! ! ! I thought for sure that I would be in bed early last night . It was one of those days where all I wanted to do was come home and take a nap ! : ) I took the kids swimming with their cousins yesterday morning , so I think that may have had something to do with it ( although I didn 't do a whole lot of swimming myself ) . Then I went to work and took all of the kids to their Tae Kwon Do class . I hadn 't really done a whole lot before I got home , but still , I felt exhausted ! Somehow , I ended up crawling into bed around 3 : 30 this morning ! ! ! I finally got into cleaning the house , and once I get started , I like to clean it all ! I had been trying to get a lot of this done ever since I started this new job , and it just seemed like I couldn 't find the time . Once we were dressed and out of the house , we seemed to find something to do before coming back home . Anyway , it is so much easier to clean when everyone is in bed and I have no interruptions , and I got a lot done . Today will be the last day for a long while that we get to spend with my oldest brother and his family . They leave to head back to Spain in the morning . It has been great seeing them after two years ! We will miss y ' all very much Matt , Pilar and girls ! ! ! Today was art day at work . We have field trips 3 days a week , and since I am one of the drivers , we usually only have art twice a week . Since I had a few kids tell me that they weren 't here for some of our crafts , I pulled out all of my leftovers from the previous weeks , and allowed each of them to use those and other craft materials to make whatever they wanted . We had some make caterpillars , purses , crosses , family trees and several other interesting things . They really enjoyed it I think . As soon as I got off at noon , we headed to the dentist 's office . Noah has one cavity . Ally will be in braces in about five years . Ugh ! That 's something that I know very little about , and I am not really looking forward to . Ok , I 'm off to get some cleaning done before dinner . BEWARE ! There is a photo of my feet at the bottom of this post . I have been told that they look like Flintstone feet . I had to post this pic though , because I had my very first pedicure a couple of weeks ago , and I LOVED it ! ! ! Matthew and the kids bought me a manicure & pedicure for my birthday , and the gift certificate expired in 6 months . Since it was winter at the time and I didn 't see my feet much then , I decided to wait . I actually called the place the weekend before and told them that my certificate expired that Monday , and could I come in on that day and use it . They said yes , so I finally went alone to make sure that it didn 't expire and become a waste of money . I knew that I would probably enjoy it , but it was for a place out of the way , and I knew that I 'd have to find someone to keep the kids for an hour or so . I finally got there and enjoyed every minute of it ! Well , the pedicure . The manicure was nice too , but the pedicure . . . why did I wait 6 months for a free pedicure ? ! ! I think this is something that I will have to treat myself to often ! So , here they are . : ) Tonight I worked on another project for school . : ) I am so excited about some of the small things , like my duty badges . That sounds kinda funny , but I don 't know what else to call them . Maybe it 's just the word " duty " . Duty . I don 't know . Anyway , this summer at the daycare , I have probably heard a hundred times , " I want to be the line leader ! " or " he / she was the line leader yesterday ! " . That one I have heard over the years , but " I wanted to turn the light off ! " was one that surprised me . They actually argue over things like that . . . on a daily basis ! ! ! I guess I shouldn 't have been surprised since my two fight over such silly things all the time . So , the job poster that I bought had badges on the back that can be used for each child . I copied them , colored them , laminated them , made cute little badges hung on colorful ribbon out of them , and will have them each wear one every day . Of course they will be rotated . They include things like " line leader " , " light monitor " : ) , " door holder " , etc . I went on and on about these , just like I am doing now , to Matthew earlier , and the second that I stopped talking , he started a new conversation on a whole different subject ! Maybe the kids will be as excited about them as I am . Anyhoo . . . here I am again , blogging at almost 1am because I am putting off getting ready for bed . It 's not the going to bed part that I am avoiding . I could fall asleep right here and now , but it 's the preparation that keeps me up so late . Sounds silly , I know . If I could just go to bed , I doubt I would stay up as late as I do . However , I know that before I can get into bed , I have to go around the house and make sure that all outside doors are locked , lights and tvs are off and that the kids ' doors are left open . I have to put on my jammies , remove my contacts , remove my eye makeup , wash my face , apply my step 2 & 3 skin care products and brush my teeth . My cell and Matthew 's need to be on the chargers and my alarm clock set . Ok , there may be more , but just reading all of that out loud , made me realize the Gentry family Normally , I would be dreading this . Not only is Ally now going into the 1st grade , but Noah will be starting Pre - K this fall ! We are 4 weeks from this happening , and yet I am so excited ! ! ! I 'm excited about teaching ! I 'm sure the other will hit me as we get closer and have to get the kids ready for school , but right now , I am just ecstatic ! ! I finally finished cutting out all of the material for my classroom that I had laminated today . I cut some out earlier and then sat down at 7pm to finish up . Ugh ! ! ! My hand is so sore from using the scissors for 5 straight hours ! Poor me ! : ) Ok , I 'm over it . Anyway , this week we painted the rooms , halls and bathrooms of the school , did some major cleaning and a few repairs , and now I am able to get my room ready ! Yay ! ! It 's getting there . Ally and Noah are enjoying the computers that we put in there . This was Noah 's first experience with a computer . It was so funny ! Yesterday , Ally and I showed him how to turn it on and when a box popped up , I told him to hit " ok " . He reached up and touched the monitor where the box was at ! : ) I guess that 's not so silly these days with all that comes out now , but it was cute to see him learning what the mouse was and how to use it to control the little arrow on the screen . Tomorrow I plan to spend some more time with my brother , sister - in - law and nieces , while they are here visiting from Spain . I also need to get my house clean one of these days ! ! I really want it all clean at one time , even if it is just for a short time ! Goodnight ! Ok , so it looks like the turtle thing is all over . I know , that didn 't even last as long as the dog ! The poor things just aren 't getting what they need with this aquarium setup and the kids have agreed that they will be better off in a natural environment . We 're hoping to find them a nice new home very close to here . So , tomorrow morning , we will head out in search of the perfect place ! Noah and Ally got pet turtles this past weekend . . . . I 'm already wishing they hadn 't . I am really hoping that these don 't turn out like our pets in the past . The poor kids can 't keep a pet ! : ) We have bought 3 dogs since Ally was born and they were either sold or given away because we realized that none of us gave them the attention that they needed . The kids promised to , in the beginning , and then the dogs either jumped on them and scratched them , which they couldn 't handle , or they just lost interest . Anyway , I was talked into getting Noah some sort of pet because he keeps trying to make bugs and worms a part of our family . We started out thinking that we would get them each a tiny turtle , a little aquarium and setup for about $ 20 a piece . Wrong ! We found out that it 's illegal to sell turtles smaller than 4 " in Alabama . The 4 " ones were $ 20 each , just for the turtle , but no one had any left . We finally found one place that had 3 , but they were $ 30 each ! So , two 4 - 5 " turtles , and an aquarium . Then we went to buy rocks and things for the aquarium , and found out that turtles must have complete water for swimming and complete dry land for basking . We finally found a way to slope the rocks to make both . After talking with a pet store employee , we also found out that they need a heat lamp andUVB lighting ! Ugh ! Oh , and the original aquarium that we bought did not have a pump , so we returned it and got one that does . I forgot to mentioned that after we bought them , we found out why it 's illegal to sell them smaller than 4 " . Turtles can carry and transmit salmonella ! Yay ! :( . . . and my biggest concern was somehow killing the turtle ! ! ? Well , the aquarium has been set up , a swimming pool and tanning salon added , and we 've found that the pump does not reach the water ! By the way , " Charlie " and " Trixie Ann " were purchased by Ally and Noah with their own money and the help of their Grammi ( who also bought the aquarium kit ) . So , it 's a little harder to give up on these pets ! I will keep you updated on their survival in the GentPosted by Ally and I went out this past weekend to look for some new locations to take pictures . She is my little model . : ) I don 't have to tell her much . In fact , she kept pointing out spots and poses , and I pretty much just followed her around while she went from pose to pose . : ) I have a feeling that someday , she and I will be shooting together . Maybe Noah will model for us . LOL ! Some of you may know this . Some of you may not . I recently traded being a bank teller ( which I have been on and off for about 7 years now ) for being a teacher ! I love it ! I will be teaching pre - k 4 - year - olds this fall at a christian school very close to my home . Noah will be attending the school there , and possibly even Ally . For now , I am teaching the arts / crafts for the summer daycare there . Love that too ! : ) Although I am working everyday now , instead of just 2 days a week , I am off by noon ! The kids are there , and I even get to see them most of the morning . This job is such an answer to prayer ! I want to make sure that all friends and family know that our little Noah is safe and sound ! Sadly , there was a young boy , also named Noah Gentry , who died in a drowning accident yesterday in Decatur . My heart goes out to the parents and family of this boy . He had just graduated from kindergarten , like Ally . His family and friends are in my prayers . I am so thankful for my sweet Noah ! ! Two years ago , my little four - year - old begged to have her long , beautiful hair cut short . I really hated to do it , but her daddy and I finally gave in . She instantly looked much older ! Although it was very cute , I felt like I had lost my little girl with just a hair cut . It grew to be quite long again , as you can see in the graduation pictures posted earlier . Well , my little Ally Grace has been begging again to cut it short . I remembered what this did to me two years ago , and told her no . Somehow she was able to talk us into this yet again , and since I wasn 't about to let her chop it off before her kindergarten graduation , we took her two days later and here are the results . Ally has graduated ! : ( Now , she has one more day to make up from the whole swine flu thing , and she will be done with kindergarten ! Where did the year go ? I am so glad that I was able to have lunch with Ally and her class occassionally and also help in the classroom a few times . Mrs . Powell was great ! Ally loved her , ( well , still does ! ) : ) and I don 't think that her first year could have gone any better ! Thank you so much , Mrs . Powell ! ! ! Mrs . Powell 's kindergarten class getting her diplomathe class clowns : ) Ally stayed up until after midnight finishing the book that she wrote and illustrated for Mrs . Powell . " Oh Beary ! " It was a pretty good story ! Ally also gave her a Willow Tree ' Angel of Learning ' . Here is Ally & Mrs . Powell reading " My Tooth Ith Loothe ! " I have a feeling that Noah 's clip will spend a lot of time on the red sign when he starts school ! Tomorrow is the big day ! Ally graduates in the morning and I am still not ready for it ! I guess I will just have to take lots of pictures and video . Ethan and AllyWell , Ally had her last soccer game yesterday . It rained for just about all of it , and the poor little thing isn 't used to playing in the rain . : ) Most of the parents were heading to the pavilion for shelter while the kids started their game on the field . But when Matthew and I turned around to see Ally following us , he told her that she should be with her team . She looked back at them on the field and said " should I ? " . She did join them , but it took several minutes for her to realize that she was already wet , and to just play ! We are still not sure if there will be a second season of soccer for our Ally Grace . Posted by I can 't believe that Ally is just about finished with her kindergarten year ! I knew that I would have a hard time with her starting school , but I thought once she was past her first year , that it would be easier . For some reason , knowing that she will be promoting to the 1st grade class at church this Sunday was harder for me to take than I realized it would be . Does it ever get easier ? First grade sounds so much bigger than kindergarten . Why ? I guess maybe because she is now in children 's church with the kids up to the 5th grade ! ! I 'm hoping that making this change at church now , will help prepare me for when she actually starts school this fall . I had such a wonderful Mother 's Day ! ! As we were getting ready for church , Ally admitted that she had planned breakfast in bed for me and was a little disappointed that I was already up and half - ready for church when she woke up . Since we were running a little behind this morning , we decided to wait until after church to open my gift . When we got to church , they had a 3 minute video of the kids for all of the mother 's to watch as we fixed ourselves a plate of breakfast ! Since we had been running late , I waited until after Sunday school to participate in that . It worked out well , since the first service seemed to run a little longer than usual , and we had to wait for them to finish . We had a great service , like always , and then Matthew and the kids took me out to lunch . On our way , the kids each gave me a craft that they had made for me at church . After eating more than I had room for , we came home and the kids gave me a very special gift . First of all , Ally had made me not one , but two cards ! ! One had a short poem in it that she had written . I opened my gift . . . 2 Willow Tree figurines ! I love those and have a couple that Matthew has given me over the past few years . Today , I was given one of a little girl and one of a little boy . I found out that Ally had planned several days ago to go and get these for me . She picked them out and had wrapped them . Also , in the bottom of my gift bag , was a picture album , a bracelet and money ! : ) Ally was worried that her daddy wouldn 't get her to the store in time for Mother 's Day , and she wanted me to have something special for today . So , she put some of her special things in there for me and also money from her piggy bank . She is such a sweet , giving little girl ! ! I don 't deserve such a special daughter ! ! For so long , all I cared to be " when I grew up " , was a wife and a mom ! I just never dreamed that I would be so blessed ! ! ! Ok , I guess you all know by now , that I like to post photos . I had too many favorites , so I added most of them ! We came home from church Sunday afternoon , and it was gorgeous outside ! I grabbed my camera while the kids played on the porch , not realizing that it would turn into a family photo session ! : ) We all had a shot at being the photographer as well ! Just wanted to share , especially with those who we don 't get to see often . Noah found a beautiful collection of rocks this past weekend . He washed each of them off and then put them in a pile . These rocks were coming out of my plant pot . He wasn 't very happy when he had to put them all back , so we finally gave in , and let him pick one to keep . " Swirly " is now his newest pet ( since his daddy wouldn 't let him keep the earth worm , caterpillar OR beetle that he also found that day ) . Posted by Well , Ally is half - way through her soccer season . She has begged since last year to play soccer ( something that Matthew and I knew very little about ) . Matthew was involved with baseball , football , karate and more growing up , but never soccer . We finally signed her up , excited that she , as a kindergartener , would only practice / play on Saturday mornings . We felt that this was a good start for her . Not too busy of a schedule , and only for 7 weeks . They focus more on having fun and working together as a team . The first game was . . . interesting ! : ) I 'm not sure if she just didn 't know what she was supposed to do , or was a little scared of kicking the ball ( or other players ! ) . : ) Her second game was much better . COLD . . . but better ! She actually ran around a little bit and even kicked the ball . These last two games have been fun to watch . Although , last week was quite warm , and I had forgotten that Ally doesn 't care too much for the heat ! ! : ) I asked her the other day if she thought she would play again next year . She 's not sure . We 'll see ! There are other girls playing too , but I think some of them are off picking flowers . : ) Well , we are halfway through our spring break . We didn 't plan anything big for this week , but Matthew did decide at the last minute to take a couple of days off . Since I work on Mondays and Fridays , he took off yesterday and today . Yesterday morning , we went fishing . He and the kids have been waiting for it to get warm enough to go . I didn 't do much fishing , but did take quite a bit of pictures . No fish , but we all had fun anyway . Matthew wasn 't very into taking pictures . : ) He was concentrating on his fishing ! After we left the lake , we went to a park where Matthew continued fishing and Ally and I took some fun pictures . Today we planned to get out and take some family pictures . That didn 't happen . Instead , we slept in , then made omelets for brunch and ended up renting a movie and just spent time as a family . It 's been beautiful the past couple of days , so just being off from school and work , and enjoying the weather together has been great ! Noah found a ladybug and made it his pet . He named it " Marley " . He really loved Marley . He panicked when he thought he had lost " her " ( Ally says that she thinks it is a male because of it 's color ) . Anyway , they both searched for Marley for several minutes before Ally Grace found her on Noah 's shirt . Whew ! ! ! Noah was very happy . . . . but not for long . We found Marley on the kitchen floor and Noah confessed that he had " mooshed " her . Bye bye , Marley . I 'm sure it won 't take him long to find another pet . : ) Ally opened her own store . " Stan ( stain ) And Fix " . Her bedroom door is covered in homemade signs . Matthew and I both attended her grand opening and received several discounts , freebies and a $ 100 coupon for our next visit . : ) That 's a lot of stains ! ! I mean " stans " ! She loves playing store and office . ( if you click on the photos above , you might be able to read her signs ) |
I 'm sitting here watching Phenomenon with John Travolta . I think it 's my favorite Travolta movie , because I like him to be the good guy . Plus he 's so down - to - earth in this one . He doesn 't want any fame or fortune , all he wants is to help others and get the girl . I think that 's a nice way to live your life . The scene when Kyra Sedgwick cuts his hair is one of the most truly sensual scenes I 've ever seen , without being dirty or tacky . Really romantic . O love this movie ! Tonight , I 'm feeling pretty good , although I 'm not sure why . I don 't know how we 're going to pay our rent , but most of the other bills got paid . I will probably have to go to work soon , because we 're not making it . When there is work , my husband makes pretty good money , but if the work 's not there , the pay 's not there either . It makes planning anything really difficult ! But I guess I feel so good because I actually finished the first book in the kid 's craft series . It 's a book of recipes for moms . I did little illustrations and all for it , and now that it 's done , I feel relieved . I don 't know quite what I 'm going to do with it , but it 's done , nonetheless . I gave a copy to the head librarian and asked her to read it and give me her opinion , so we 'll see what she thinks of it . She has helped at least one author get published in the past , so maybe . . . . . . . I started my diet , and I think when I get on the scales tomorrow morning , I will find that I have gained , not lost . I seem to want to eat all day long and everything in sight . I haven 't been writing everything down , though , and I think that 's a big eye - opener . Most of us don 't realize just how much or how often we eat until we see it in writing . So I 'm going to start a food journal . I have the diet tracker on my MyYahoo , and that helps , too , because I have to weigh in once a week and enter it into the computer . I have to see it in writing , too , and that 's pretty scary . But I am determined . I have gained so much weight that my temple dress doesn 't fit anymore , and the Spokane Temple is one of the small onPosted by Well , today was July 24th and nothing happened . For Mormons , it is usually a big holiday and I miss the hullabaloo . The parades , the rodeos , the programs , the BBQs , you name it , I miss it . There are quite a few of us here in Montana , but its not like living in Utah or Southern Nevada . There will be a program and ice cream social or something like that on Saturday evening , but that 's it . I will go and I 'm sure I will enjoy it , but I still miss all the rest of it . ( For those of you who don 't know , it 's the anniversary of the first Mormon pioneers reaching the Salt Lake Valley . ) Part of the difference is the change in society . When I was young , we still had people around who remembered the hardships that the pioneers endured . My grandmother 's grandparents were some of those pioneers and she kept that sense of history alive for me , but the farther we get from that generation , the more that gets forgotten . I have tried to keep that history alive for my children with the telling of it , and by participating in the festivities every year , but I can still see it dying . Don 't get me wrong . They are proud of those ancestors who crossed the plains . a few by the side of Brigham Young , but those people have been gone a long time , and my kids don 't see a lot of relevance between the two lifetimes . The other reason I think we don 't have the big celebrations is that everyone is so busy today . It takes a lot of time and a lot of work to put together those events . And it takes a lot of people to make them possible , too . People who don 't have the time . Life is just rush , rush , rush nowadays and there doesn 't seem to be enough time in a day to do what needs to be done , without adding frivolities . At least some people think of it that way . I , on the other hand , think that it 's important to keep the past alive , so we never forget where we came from and what our ancestors went through to give us what we enjoy today . Okay , enough of that . How about this instead ? This Monday will be my 35th wedding anniversary . 35 years ! WOW ! My husband and I are one of the few couples from our graduating class to still be together after all this time . We have never been married to anyone else ; we were married right out of high school . We have five children and 14 grandchildren , and we 're still sane . At least relatively so . Every time I tell one of my children that I 'm losing my mind , they tell me you can 't lose what you never had , so maybe I don 't really know what sanity is ! But I 'm still here , and I guess that 's what counts . I love my husband very much . He is my rock , what keeps me going when times are tough . And they are really tough right now . We are having some real financial difficulties , and I don 't know right now if we 'll make it through , but we keep pluggin ' . It 's all we can do , and as long as I have him by my side , I 'll be OK . I think we 'll probably go to dinner and a movie for the big day . My daughter is off that day , so I won 't be watching the babies , and we will be able to take some time for us . That will be nice . Then again , we may just decide to stay home and lounge around . I don 't know . We 'll see . I 'm still trying to get the ski tube hat done . My hands have been really bad lately , plus I have been doing the arts and crafts project every week at the library for the summer reading program , so it 's not getting done very fast . Some days I can barely get anything done , my hands hurt so bad . I promise it will get done , though , and soon , because I want to share it with you before its to late to make them for winter . Oh yeah . . . . I forgot to tell you that the Pineapple Lush Angel food Cake was really good . I made it with sugar free and fat free everything , and it was still really good . Try it ! You 'll like it ! I 'm also trying to lose weight . Again . Almost two years ago , I lost 45 pounds , but I 've put most of it back on again . I lost it by going to Weight Watchers , and I can 't seem to do it again on my own . I need the motivation of the meetings and the members to keep me going . I did find out that we have a WW meeting right here in Stevi , so I think I will have to find the money to join again . I 'm so tired of being fat . And I felt better , both physically and mentally , when I was thinner . I need to lose a lot more than the original 45 lbs . but that 's a starting goal . Then I will worry about the other 30 lbs . after that . Maybe if I blog about my struggle , I will feel accountable , and will be a good girl . We 'll see if it helps at all . Tonight is going to be short , because it 's now 2 : 28 am and I 'm tired ! I 'm going to take myself to bed and see if I can get to sleep . I usually lie awake for an hour or two before I finally drop off , but I 'm pretty tired today , so we 'll see what happens . Here 's another little tidbit I heard at church the other day : " Don 't ever permit yourself to do anything that you wouldn 't want to see you children do . " I think that 's pretty profound . What about you ? Call a family member and remind them of how much you love them . ' Night , Gramma G . I 've been so busy since we got back from camping that I haven 't had time to write . The camping was wonderful ! The lake was so beautiful and blue , and not a mosquito in sight . The campgrounds were clean , and we just happened to luck out and get a spot that had firewood that was left by the people before us ! A whole stack of really nice firewood . All we had to do was collect kindling , which was so readily available that I didn 't even need to make fuzz sticks . We had a very enjoyable weekend , and when we left , we went to a ghost town that my husband 's boss told us about . We almost didn 't make it there . When Don told us about Bannack , he made it sound like it was just a hop , skip and a jump from where we were camping . It was 150 miles ! ! ! As we are driving along , and driving , and driving , we almost turned around and went home , but I finally convinced my hubby that we were so close that it would be a shame to go that far and not go the last 28 miles . As it turned out , we were glad we did . Bannack is a really neat place . I took a mess of photos . We got there at the same time as a big group from Michigan , 30 people that I think were all members of the same family , so when it came time to pan for gold and garnets , it was really crowded , so we didn 't do any panning , but maybe sometime we 'll go back . It looked like fun . As we were traveling to Bannack we passed through several little towns that almost weren 't towns . They were so small , they didn 't even have a service station . Some had schools , but some didn 't , the same with churches and stores , and it made me think about life the way we live it . How many of us could live without our conveniences ? When we left Bannack , we came home a different way . We went over to Dillon and then up the freeway . Now Dillon isn 't a very big place either , but way larger than places like Jackson or Wisdom . There was an LDS church there , and that answered the question of where all the mormons in that part of the state went to church , but it would be a real drive for some . Would I be willing to go that far to make it to church on Sunday , or to get my kids to mutual , and what about seminary ? And then I thought about my mom . There were times in my youth when we did live that far away , and my mother always made sure that we made it to church . I got to all my school activities and church activities and everything else that I thought was important , and my poor mother , she spent a lot of time sitting in the car reading a book . I don 't think I have ever really thought about the sacrifice she made of her time , just so I could be part of whatever was going on . When I was in high school , we lived 40 miles away from school and church . My dad had just retired from the Air Force and went to work for the Metropolitan Water District of Southern California , at a pumping station out in the middle of the desert . My mother spent a lot of time on the road for me , as well as reading a whole lot of books ! At that time , we had Sunday School in the morning and Sacrament Meeting in the evening , so we made two trips every Sunday , plus she had Relief Society on Tuesday morning , I had MIA on Tuesday evening , and mom taught Primary , which was on Wednesday after school . Then there were all the ball games and dances and concerts , and practices and everything else connected with school . I don 't know how she kept her sanity ! I do know that we put so many miles on our cars that my parents were able to use it for tax purposes ! ( Because my dad 's job was out in the middle of nowhere and required us to live there , mileage was allowed for a lot of things . ) I wonder if I were in her shoes , would I be as gracious about giving up my time ( and money ) as she was ? I don 't think I ever heard her complain about all the hours she spent waiting on me , and they were considerable . I was your typical ungrateful teenager , who thought my mother 's life revolved around me and that she was supposed to give up everything for me . Boy , have things stayed the same at the same time that they 've changed ! Teenagers are still selfishly ungrateful , but mom 's are out of the home more and more , with less and less time to spend with their kids . Wow ! ! ! Did I get off on a tangent , or what ? Sorry ! Back to camping . . . . . the weather was so nice . It wasn 't too hot or too cold , no rain , just perfect , actually . And there were a lot of little squirrels and chipmunks running around , trying to find food to store away for the coming seasons . The birds woke us up in the morning , and I think we were the first ones up in our area of the campgrounds . We 're pretty early risers normally , anyway , so it was kind of nice to be up before all the noise and rambunctiousness started . It 's the best time of the day , especially in the woods . We watched the sun rise up over the mountain as we started our fire for breakfast , seeing it turn from a weak little light to a bright golden sun . We were right at the foot of the mountain , so it took a little while to reach us as it inched its way down the slope and through the trees . In the this photo you can see a momma duck and her little babies . They were so cute ! My husband did some fishing , but he only caught one little one that he threw back . It was a good time all the same . As I close today , I want to leave you with something I heard in church this morning . " Try to learn from the mistakes of others , because you don 't have the time to make them all yourself . " Hug someone you love . ' Night , Gramma G My husband and I are leaving early tomorrow morning to go camping for a couple of days . We 're headed south to Lake Como , with a visit planned to a ghost town nearby and lots of fishing . That 's fishing for him , not me . I read or knit or write or draw , but I do not fish ! I help if he needs it , you know , holding the net or the stringer or such , but not actually fishing . I leave that up to him . He fillets them when he catches them , too . I will cook them , though . I really like fresh fish . I used to hate fish until I tasted my first fresh - from - the - stream trout , ( I think they were trout ) and now I 've actually grown a taste for them . Not all of them , though . Catfish is usually to " fishy " for me , as are a few others that I don 't know the name of . Unless the catfish is Cajun and fixed by Dottie or Abe Manual in Milton , Tennessee . That is the best fish I ever tasted in my life ! They cook true Cajun style , not all hot and over - spiced , but with a nice spicy flavor that lets the true taste of the fish come through . Man , oh man , that 's somethin ' good ! It will make you do the Louisiana boogie ! Dottie also serves up a Banana Split Cake to die for . Absolutely scrumptious ! Back to the camp outing . This will be our first in Montana , and its been pretty warm lately , so we packed only light blankets . Then tonight , it got quite chilly . I had to close the front door while we were watching TV because I got cold . And I never get cold ! So I 'm thinking that I better pack a quilt or two so we don 't freeze . But I like the cold , so we won 't stay home because of it . We 'll just pack a little warmer . And I 'm really looking forward to that Dutch oven chicken and potatoes I 'll be fixing ! It 's one of my favorite meals , and we haven 't been camping for a long time , so I 've missed it . My mouth is watering just thinking about it . We 've never been to Lake Como , but we hear tell that it 's nice . There are two or three campgrounds , and I hope running water and a bathroom . We 're taking plenty of water just in case , but I really don 't want to dig a latrine ! I 'm pretty sure there are facilities there . If not , we may go somewhere else to camp and just go fishing there . Gotta have a potty ! Have you ever camped rough ? I have an uncle who was a tree - topper in the forest above Sacramento , California , and they had logger 's camp every summer . My parents and I visited one summer for a week and I had so much fun . They call it rough camping , but they take everything up there ! Even the kitchen sink ! My aunt had three Army - sized tents put together for her " camp house " . One was the bedroom , complete with a huge feather bed , one was the kitchen , complete with a wood burning stove , and the last one was the living room , rocking chair and all . She actually had more living space at camp than she had at home ! But the potty was the point of this whole long spiel . It was a hole dug in the ground with a toilet placed over it , and a refrigerator box , maybe two , around it . Aunt Irene insisted on privacy . So . . . we had been there for about a day , maybe two , when my dad had a little " accident " . He was in the habit of leaning on the wall when he was taking a leak at home , and he forgot that those walls up there were only cardboard . He fell through , knocked down the wall , and gave everybody a good laugh ! He was lucky he didn 't really hurt himself when he fell over the toilet . Meanwhile , no one could go to the bathroom until repairs were made . Of course , one of the favorite pastimes at logging camp was drinking . They went through more beer after work than I had ever seen in my life up to that point ! Some of them were loud and rowdy , but mostly they just drank while they played cards and told stories of past camps . I have a picture of me , I think I was about 11 , in front of a giant pyramid of beer cans . It kept me busy and out of trouble for a long time . If I can find it , I will post it . Those are some good memories , because my dad was in the Air Force , and we lived all over the place and didn 't get to be around family much . I think that 's one of only 2 times I ever got to meet my Aunt Irene and Uncle Armond , and they were good people . I wish I had known them better . As for camping , I have loved it since my first experience . I was in 5th grade , and interestingly enough , we were living in Great Falls , Montana , when I went camping for the first time . It was the Young Women 's group from church , and I wasn 't actually supposed to be there , because your were supposed to be at least 12 years old and I was only ten , but my mother went as craft director and my dad went as life guard , so I got to go , too . And it was primitive camp . We dug our own latrines , and lashed long branches to trees for the seat , hung blankets around the whole set - up and had a community bathroom . No showers , just the lake . We had grease pits , where we dumped our cooking grease , as well as our dish water , etc . and of course , we cooked over an open fire . I thought it was great ! I learned how to build fires , do First Aid , cook over a fire , do lashing and carving , AND . . . . . . I learned how to make a fuzz stick ! That was the best . If you don 't know what a fuzz stick is , it is a little piece of a branch that you " fuzz " by taking your pocket knife and making little cuts all over it . They are used as fire starters , and they work really well . I may have to show my husband all about them this weekend . Of course , it won 't be a big deal to him , but it will be a good memory for me . I also learned how to go snipe hunting . If you have never been snipe hunting , you haven 't lived ! There is a certain way to hunt a snipe , and I won 't give it away here , but if you 've never been , you need to ask a friend who likes to camp to take you snipe hunting . It 's a blast ! Well , that 's enough for tonight . When we get back , I 'll tell you all about it . At least the good stuff , not the boring day - to - day stuff . We 'll see if there 's anything to tell . Remember this quote from Oscar Hammerstein , the " love in your heart wasn 't put there to stay , love isn 't love ' til you give it away . " ' Night , Gramma G . Little boys are wild ! They do the craziest things , and it 's so hard to stay mad at them long enough to discipline them . My little 2 - year - old grandson got under his mother 's bed and got himself stuck . Couldn 't get back out , and I couldn 't pull him out , either . I had to literally pick up the bed and then try to convince him that he could get out now . It was comedic except that it was frustrating , too . When he tried to get out at first , and then when I tried to pull him out , his ear was catching on the bar that goes from one side of the bed to the other , and it hurt . So even when I lifted the bed , he didn 't want to try it again because he was sure it would hurt . I finally got him out , but it took a little convincing . His new favorite word is dammit . I 'm not sure who he heard it from , but I 'm having a hard time getting him to stop saying it . He has other words that sound bad , like garbage ( he says it gar - bitch ) , but I really think he 's saying the real thing this time . He also learned the words shut - up from someone , and every time he says it we say " Don 't say that word . " So now he say " Shut up , don 't say that word , " He 's just so cute that it 's really hard to get after him for those things . Now , he has other habits that it 's really easy to get after him for . He throws things when he gets mad , or when he gets told to put them back or give them back to his brother . He will sometimes lay down or sit down and kick his feet if he doesn 't get his way , or he tell you to " Stop it ! " if he doesn 't like what you are saying . In those cases , I would like to blister his butt , but mostly I just have to threaten him with the wooden spoon . It 's a big one and looks lethal , and most of the time he doesn 't want to argue with it . There are times though . . . . . . . . His brother , who is 3 1 / 2 has an equally frustrating habit . He pouts . And I don 't just mean he is unhappy , but he sticks out his bottom lip and puts his head down on a chair , or the couch , or your lap or the floor , whatever is handy , and stays that way until I tell him to go to his room or I spank his butt . He also makes horrible faces now , and drives us all crazy . And he has developed a real sweet tooth lately ! He is constantly asking for candy or a popsicle . If he is told no , then the pouting begins . One good thing , though . . . . if we give him a " healthy " snack , like cheese and crackers or an apple , he is just as happy as if we had given him the candy he asked for . My daughter is planning to look for her own place in the near future , and the boys will have to go into childcare . I 'm glad , in one way , because they need the interaction with other kids and adults . But I hate the thought of getting them used to it . They don 't even like to be left in the nursery at church , and I know they will cry and cry and cry . They can both cry for really long amounts of time . In fact the older one will make himself sick crying . I think I 'm going to suggest that she start them in daycare right now , while it can be for only a few hours at a time , so they can get accustomed to being left , and learn that she will always come back . They have hardly ever been left with anyone besides grandpa and grandma , and that 's not the same , so they have a high level of separation anxiety ! I think I might have some separation anxiety , too . I am looking forward to having " my own " place again , but I will miss those early morning visits to my bedroom when they first wake up and are so sweet . The little one always wakes up in the best mood and it 's the best time of the day for him . The older one takes a little time to wake up , but then he 's pretty sweet , too . I will also miss the " Bwamma " s when I come in the door after being gone for a few hours , or when they come running with something to show me . I know my husband will miss the greetings he gets when he comes home from work . It 's really hard to share your home with a grown child and her children , and it 's good that she 's planning to get her own place , but I will miss those babies a lot ! I also know that it 's just as hard to move back in with your parents when you 've had your own place and been the one in charge of how things are done . All of a sudden you don 't have full autonomy anymore , and it 's hard to readjust to that . We 've done pretty good so far , very few blow - ups , and none of them major , but it 's time . Enough sadness for now . I have been working on the ski - tube - hat - thing , but I ran out of one the yarns I am using , so now I have to decide how to go on from here . Since this is just the prototype , I could just finish it with whatever I 've got , but what if I want to give it away ? I can 't do that if it 's a hodge - podge of different yarns ! Or maybe I could . I have a granddaughter who would probably like it better that way , and she is one of the few grandchildren who actually happen to live where it snows . We 'll see . I will try to decide quickly . Well , it 's now 1 : 00 in the morning and my eyelids are getting heavy and my fingers are getting clumsy , so I guess it 's time to close . I have been working on my first little craft book , which is recipes for moms , and I only have to do a few more illustrations and I think it 's done . That 's why I am so tired . My eyes are burning , too , so that 's a definite sign . Remember y ' all , that family is everything , so take care of the ones you have . ' Night all , Gramma G . Boy ! have I got a good recipe for you tonight ! It 's called Mexican Casserole and they make it at the deli at the grocery store by me . My daughter who lives in Nevada really likes it , as I do , and when I asked them for the recipe they were nice enough to give it to me . It 's not low - fat at all , but it sure tastes good ! Chop up meats , then add the rest of the ingredients with 1 / 2 of the cheese . Bake in a 9x13 pan at 350 for 25 minutes or until hot all the way through . Top with the other 1 / 2 of the cheese and serve . Enjoy ! It sounds a little strange , but it really is delicious . Now that that 's out of the way . . . . . . In church on Sunday we had a lesson on freedom . Since it was the 4th of July weekend , that was not surprising , but it wasn 't about our political freedoms , or even our physical freedoms , but our spiritual freedoms , and what they mean to us in the long run . We discussed the fact that spiritual freedom gives us the right to choose right or wrong , good or bad . The fact that there are consequences to those choices does not affect our right to make them , but it may affect the choices we make . And the choices we make can affect our freedoms , too . If we choose to break the law , that affects our freedom . Knowing the law can affect our choices . For example , if we choose to do drugs , then we choose to give up our freedom , and instead we become a slave to the drugs . We also choose to give up the freedom we will lose to the law . It 's all a big vicious circle . A lot of times , our children look at the commandments as rules that constrict them . They feel that all our " rules and regulations " are binding , and they feel tied down by them , so they make some bad choices that they call exercising their freedom . But instead of freeing them , those choices can put them in bondage . The bondage of sin , of choices that they can 't undo . If only they could see that obeying the commandments gives them choices that they will get no other way . They can choose to be free of guilt , free of memories that haunt them for the rest of their lives . They can choose to be the type of person who is looked up to as an upstanding member of the community and never have to worry that their past will come back to bite them . These are all options for the person who chooses the straight and narrow . Some of us never learn . We make the same mistakes over and over and over again , thereby narrowing our field of choices until we have very few alternatives . We can 't seem to let ourselves be happy by making good choices . And a lot of the time , we blame our troubles on anyone but ourselves so that we can be free to make that same choicPosted by I am the daughter of a career military man . My dad was in the Air Force for 21 years , so suffice it to say I am very patriotic . If you cut me , I bleed red , white and blue . I collect Americana . For years my home was decorated in red , white and blue , and it will be again . I painted my front door with a folk art flag . I have more red , white and blue clothes , and T - shirts with flags on them , than most people I know . I support my president , even when I think he 's wrong , because I don 't know the whole story . I may not vote for him again , but while he 's in office , I support him . I think that we had to go to Iraq or have them come here ( as if they aren 't already here ) . I think that anyone who immigrates to America should have to learn the language and pledge their loyalty to her . Read this quote and see if you can guess who said it . " In the first place , we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us , he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else , for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed , or birthplace , or origin . But this is predicated upon the person 's becoming in every facet an American , and nothing but an American . . . There can be no divided allegiance here . Any man who says he is an American , but something else also , isn 't an American at all . We have room for but one flag , the American flag . . . We have room for but one language here , and that is the English language . . . and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people . " Pretty powerful , huh ? And right to the point ! America should be filled with Americans ! We have only one flag , a perfectly good one , and we don 't need any other . If you come here to work and send money " home " it should be to help your family come , too , not to support them in the old county with money that should be staying here . If you work here , you should pay taxes here . If you are not a citizen , or working on becoming a citizen , you should not be entitled to free health care , welfare , my social security , or anything else that I pay for and can 't even use myself . If things were so bad in your country that you came to mine for a better life , then leave that life behind . Become wholly American . I 'm not saying to forget where you came from . Along with being a patriot , I am also a genealogy bug , so I believe that family history is important . But there is a difference between remembering your roots and parading in the streets of America with the flag of another country , complaining about the way you are treated , or the lack of amenities given to you . Being proud of your heritage is good , but expecting something for nothing because of it is NOT . Nowhere else in the world would you be given the freedom you enjoy here in America , along with the chance to work for a better life for you and your family . I think you should appreciate America , not defame her . As Americans , we also have a responsibility to appreciate what we have . No , this country isn 't perfect , nor is her government . But it is a far sight better than what you can find elsewhere in the world . That 's why people lie and hide and use false paperwork to get here . Because we have what the rest of the world wants . We have way more than we need , and it has turned us into greedy monsters for whom nothing is enough . We blame our troubles on the politicians , but who put them in office ? Or maybe we should ask ourselves , why didn 't we put someone else there ? Do you vote ? Do you take the time to learn as much as you can about each candidate and what he believes ? What has he done in his life ? Is he faithful to his wife ? Does he believe in God , and is he an active Christian ? A candidate 's character is just as important as his accomplishments , maybe even more so . Accomplishments come our way from others , those that put a value on our actions . But the actions that really count are the ones no one sees but God . The actions that make up our character . We need to watch what our politicians and leaders are doing when they think no one is looking . THAT is when we 'll see their true natures . One of my pet peeves is those Americans who don 't vote and then complain about the way things go after the election . I say if you don 't vote , you have no right to even voice an opinion , let alone complain . Each and every voice is necessary in the election process . If you don 't voice your opinion by casting your vote , then you take what you get . The good , the bad and the ugly . There is always the chance that a good guy will turn bad , but all we can do is try to make an educated decision , and then if it turns out not to be the best decision , make a different one next time . Don 't keep making the same mistake , thinking that things will change or get better , because in my experience , they don 't ! What 's that old saying ? Dumb is making the same mistake over and over and hoping for different results ? Well , it doesn 't happen and we just need to stop it . We need to take responsibility for the way our country is run , and not pass the buck . Well , in case you can 't tell , I have some strong feelings about America , and I am thankful that I have the freedom to voice them . You may not agree , and that 's OK , because you have the same rights that I do , if you are a citizen of this great country . And if you are not , then you have NO RIGHT to say one word against her . If you don 't like it here , go home , and see if it 's any better there ! I am thankful for freedom of speech and religion , for the right to vote and to assemble peaceably . I am thankful for the foresight of our forefathers when they made the constitution with a checks and balances system . I could go on all day , but I won 't , because you have other things to do and so do I . I will just say one more thing . . . . I am an American , and Proud of it ! I hope you all have a nice ( and safe ) 4th of July , and remember to share the love . Your family will appreciate it ! ' Night , Gramma G . ( Oh yeah . . . . . . . . . . . . the quote is from a speech made in 1907 by Theodore Roosevelt ! ) Posted by Life is getting back to normal , whatever that means . The house is getting cleaned and put back together , things have calmed down , the kids are calming down , too . Somebody told me today that Montana has two seasons ; winter and company . I find that pretty funny . Today was story time at the library . I 'm a volunteer helper and I usually help with the arts and crafts projects . Today I also had the snack assignment , so it was pretty hectic . The summer reading program is in full swing and this year 's theme is bugs . Everything is just buggy . This week was bees , so I made honey cookies in the shape of bees . I don 't know if I 'll ever do that again ! I started out to make beehives with little bees on them , but I couldn 't find those little bees I used to buy that were made out of black and yellow pipe cleaners with little transparent wings . Remember those ? My daughter works at Wal * Mart and gets off at 10 : 30 at night , so I called her and sent her all over the store looking for something I could use . ( This would be because I forgot until yesterday afternoon that I had to do the snack . ) It was really qiute funny . For me , anyway , I don 't know about her . First she looked for the bees , in two different places , then I sent her to look for cookie cutters , and guess what ? No bees ! Then she looked at the kid 's crafts for foamy bugs , and there were dragonflies and lady bugs and butterflies , but , you guessed it ! No bees ! We thought about using a rubber stamp with food coloring and a few other ideas , but wound up getting some black and yellow frosting is those little tubes for stripes on the bees I made by hand . I used a heart cookie cutter for the wings , and rolled the bodies and heads and smashed them all together . The kids really liked them , so all the work was worth it , but staying up until 4 in the morning to make a snack is ridiculous ! She ( my daughter ) is off tomorrow and Friday , so I will get a little break from the boys . I love them with all my heart , but I 'm 53 years old , and I 'm supposed to be past this raising children phase ! It wears me out . I go to bed exhausted and I get up tired . Where 's the fun in that ? I would like to find something worthwhile , that I like , to do with the rest of my life . Not that the boys aren 't a worthwhile endeavor , because they are , but I would like something more now that my own children are all raised . I would like to write children 's books , or have a children 's craft show on some little obscure TV station , or own my own bookstore or craft store . Some of the things that I 've dreamed of but never had the time or gumption to try . I 've wanted to have a crafter 's bed and breakfast for years now , but have no capitol . I think it would be so much fun ( along with a lot of work ) . I would arrange for craft classes and workshops of all kinds . It would be great ! But it takes a lot of money ! Oh well . Enough of that subject . I 'm sure I will still be doing the same old thing when it 's my time to go . That 's life . Before I go , here is the recipe for the Honey Cookies . These cookies are better with age , so make them a few days before you need them . These cookies are not too sweet , and have a lot of body , which make them excellent for making a cookie tree , you know those that are made with about 8 or 9 different sizes of star cookie cutters all stacked up . Anyway , the recipe : Well , it 's my time to go for now . I 'm tired and things are getting a little blurry . Remember to pass along a smile . You can change the world one smile at a time . ' Night . . . . . Gramma G . I can pretty much guarantee this will be easiest 4th of July recipe EVER . Not to mention , who doesn 't love ice cream sandwiches ? With a little assistance . . . This past Christmas I bought my daughter a mermaid tail blanket . She can hardly leave anywhere without it . She loves sleeping in it and wearing it around t . . . Do you have a large scrap fabric pile ? Do you see fabric and can 't stop buying the cute prints but feel guilty with all the piles at home ? Here are some . . . Best Friday Features ! Welcome back to the Best Friday Feature Party ! We have so much fun every week , and we hope you do too ! We 've been pinning more proje . . . |
Reta Jean is a ball of energy wrapped up in pink , glittery fluff ! Mommy started calling her " Reta Bita " , which eventually shortened up to " Beats . " Now , she insists on just about everyone calling her Beats , including all her dance friends . ( It 's easy to call her Beats , but it was a little harder to figure out how to write it out . Bits doesn 't " read " Beats . If I spelled it Beets , that 's just kind of weird . So , Beats it is . ) She 's been dancing since before her little legs could even hold her up . Whenever music would come on , she 'd start shaking her little booty , sitting on the floor . When she turned 3 it seemed like it was time to sign her up for dance class . Stanza PAC offers a " Creative Movement " class , taught by Miss Molly , who is the studio co - owner . Beats LOVES Miss Molly , and she loves being in dance class with her friends . She also loves that we stop at the donut shop after class every week for donut holes and pink donuts . At Beats 's first recital in December all the kids were kind of doing their own thing . For the June recital I noticed all the other kids were starting to follow choreography much better , but Beats was still doing it her own way . It was like the choreography was whole notes , and Beats was dancing in 8th notes . The other kids are working on their high kicks , and Beats is kicking like a can - can girl . A few weeks before the recital I mentioned to her that in dance class she 's actually supposed to try to move like Miss Molly and the other kids . Her response , " Oh . " Apparently , that was a totally new idea to her . She tried to follow along . For about 5 minutes . It was just more fun to do it her own way . The day of the recital all the kids are in costumes and makeup back stage , and they all look adorable . A couple are nervous , but mostly they 're excited . The " big girls " will be along the sides of the stage doing the choreography so the little kids could follow along if necessary . And , they 're on ! Beats started out in the back row , but somehow was in the front when the dancing started . Just like in class , the other kids are doing a really good job following choreography , and Beats is over there on the end dancing her little heart out . She was doing most of the right steps , she just had to shake her booty 8 times while the others shook theirs 4 . She was awesome and she knew it ! The last few steps were point - point - passe , and that 's when Beats found us in the audience . She stops and waves , " Hi , Mom ! Hi , Dad ! Hi , Gabba ! Hi , Papa ! " Later on , at the grocery store , I mentioned to the cashier that we had been at our granddaughter 's dance recital . She says , " Oh , how fun ! I probably shouldn 't say it , but there 's always that ONE kid . " Yeah , we know and love that kid . Reta Jean loves her dance class , and we 've been trying to find an activity that Raymond will love , too . He wanted to read all his books at the library before he left , so that didn 't work out well . He really wanted to do dance class with Reta Jean , but there were too many people and too much activity . I mentioned to the other dance moms that I was looking into horseback riding ( hippotherapy ) , and one of the moms knew somebody . Miss Amanda works at an equine therapy center out of town , but boards her horse , Mr . Q , at a local farm , and offers lessons there . Perfect ! Last week we went to meet Miss Amanda and Mr . Q . I wasn 't sure how Raymond would react to a big horse , but he absolutely loved him . He got to brush him and give him treats . He even introduced himself . " Hi , Mr . Q . You can call me Mr . R . " At one point Mr . Q twitched his tail and brushed Raymond 's face . I knew it was all over when Raymond instinctively hit the ground . I was wrong . He stood right up and said , " That did not feel good in my mouth . That was not good manners , " and went right back to brushing him . This week Raymond got to ride ! I asked Amanda to send me a brief rundown of what the schedule would be , so we could let Raymond know what to expect . On the way to his lesson Raymond asked if Hulk could show up . ( He often speaks in terms of superheroes . When Raymond is channeling the Hulk , it can get ugly . ) Carly was able to join us today , so she and I both told him Hulk was not allowed at the barn . Raymond made sure it would be OK for Captain America , Iron Man , Batman or Spiderman to show up . I told him all of them were welcome - even Thor , Ant Man or Black Widow - as long as Spiderman didn 't shoot webs at Mr . Q . We also let Amanda know that Hulk was not allowed . She 's still learning his lingo , but she already speaks Raymond very well . After picking out his helmet and gathering saddling supplies , Raymond reported to his mission . He helped Amanda get Mr . Q ready , and they headed into the arena . Carly and I hung out in the observation room because we didn 't want to be a distraction to him . He learned to get on , give commands , and use the reins . Amanda said there was only a brief , " Am I supposed to be this high ? ! " moment , before he settled in . After awhile , Carly and I could tell he was done , and were very happy that Amanda picked up on it without us needing to bring it to her attention . She knows her stuff ! Once more around the arena and they were done . Apparently , getting off the horse is a little tricky . Hands and feet get twisted around . It took a little bit for Raymond to figure out what went where , before he could get off . Disclaimer : I 've never been a horse person . I 'm sure I 'll use a lot of the wrong terminology while I 'm learning . Don 't laugh at me . Carly used to sing him ABCs as a lullaby , and he learned to write his letters by the time he was 2 . At 3 , he was reading fluently . Now , some people think we 're exaggerating and maybe he just knew sight words . No . We would hand the kid a menu , magazine , brochure , whatever , and he would read it . He needed help with some of the harder words , but the kid was good ! We were worried about what he would do in kindergarten . How much of the day would he be expected to sit quietly and wait to be taught something he didn 't already know ? His favorite show was " Letters . " The rest of us know it as Wheel of Fortune . He would clap and cheer when the wheel spun , then go around the room , shake everyone 's hand and say ' gratulations at the end of every round . Carly discovered a show called " Signing Time , " and soon Raymond using the signs he knew while he spoke . Once he learned how to change the language setting on Carly 's phone or his tablet , he was following directions in Spanish , French , German , we 're not even sure of all the languages he uses . Of course , the directions are the same regardless of the language , but it was still crazy the he would change the language and know it was saying the same thing . He loves spelling so much , it 's all he would do on the soccer field . While the other kids were chasing the ball , he would be standing in the field , writing words in the air with his finger . Ball , sky , bird , grass … all the things he saw were words he could write . As far as soccer went , Raymond enjoyed the pre - game practice , and the team cheer - " 1 - 2 - 3 PeeWee Pumpkins ! " - but didn 't like being on the field to play . Carly and Joe spent the games trying to head off meltdowns , hoping he would take to it as he became familiar with the game . That didn 't happen . As much as Raymond wasn 't crazy about soccer , he LOVES his family . Reta Jean is his best friend . Miss Riley isn 't much fun yet , but he likes to make her giggle and laugh . Joe recently signed him up for jiu jitsu , so the two of them get to roll around on the mats . His favorite family game to play , when he was younger , was going around the table and asking everybody , " What 's you favorite color ( animal , food ) ? " If we answered incorrectly , he 'd shake his head and give us the right answer . When the cousins come visit he enjoys playing with them and showing them around the farm . He likes his down time , though , so sometimes he likes to go to a quiet room and read or play with his tablet . He likes cooking , art projects , playing outside , and feeding the pacas . He DOESN ' T like the " hoosters . " We 've tried to tell him most of the chickens are hens , and he really wants to be friends with them , but they scare him so badly , he can 't stand it . He also loves movies and superheroes . I 'm Batman , Papa is Iron Man , Reta Jean is AntMan , and Raymond is Captain America , Wolverine , or Hulk , depending on his mood . Papa calls Raymond Santa Claus , and they discuss where the reindeer are parked when he comes over . If we aren 't superheroes , we 're Minions . I especially like to be King Kevin . More often than not , when Raymond is having a conversation , his end of it is movie quotes . The rest of us , with Carly 's help , figure out which movie he 's on so we can be part of what 's going on in his head . Not only is Raymond AMAZING , we recently learned he has autism . As he 's gotten older , some of his behavior patterns started raising little red flags . Carly saw it way before the rest of us . It was so hard for her because how do you know if your child is struggling with something , or if you just need to be a better parent ? Even Raymond 's pediatrician said he just had " some anxiety , " but it was not really anything to worry about . When a 3 year old has a meltdown when they 're told it 's time to stop doing something they 're having fun with , it 's seen as maybe being a little bratty . But , when I finally took 4 - year - old Raymond to Reta Jean 's dance class , and he was SO excited to get to go , but had a total meltdown as soon as we walked into the studio , that was more concerning . None of us immediately thought of autism as we watched Raymond having a harder and harder time . He is very verbal and loves interacting with people . I think , as most of us understand autism , those two things alone would eliminate a diagnosis of autism . Here 's where the diagnosis came from : In hindsight , the accelerated reading skills could have been a sign , but who ever thinks , " My kid is too smart , there must be a problem . " We also learned about " scripting . " Children with autism often work from scripts . Playing " Letters , " asking questions he knows the answers to , and speaking in movie quotes are all forms of scripting . When you really start paying attention , Raymond will answer questions , let you know if he wants or needs anything , but really doesn 't have a spontaneous conversation . I mean , it 's cute when your grandson comes to your house and says , " Hi , Gabba ! I 'm so glad you 're here . Thank you for stopping by . " ( Think about that one for a minute . ) He can tell you anything about any of the superheroes , as is very typical in autism . He has his facts down and loves to share them with everyone . And then there 's the meltdowns and becoming totally overwhelmed when there is too much going on . With Carly 's guidance we 've all learned how to best help Raymond . It 's a whole thought - shift , understanding his behavior is caused by his autism , and is not him acting out deliberately . If he 's going to be doing something new , we make sure we tell him everything we possibly can about what 's going to happen . We 'll even practice a script with him , so he knows how he 's supposed to interact . We make sure we don 't switch activities without giving him a warning . Usually , we can tell him we 're going to do something different in 5 minutes and he does pretty well . When Raymond says , " I don 't feel well . It 's time to go home . I need to go home now , " we have learned he 's warning us a meltdown is highly likely . He 's had enough . By giving him a book or his tablet and letting him take a rest , away from everybody , a meltdown can often be avoided . Joe is great when it comes to meltdown duty . He can take Raymond into his room , sit down with him , and get him breathing and calm . One show that has been a HUGE help is " Daniel Tiger 's Neighborhood . " It 's a cartoon , based on Mr . Rogers , and deals with all sorts of social situations . For a kid who depends on scripts , a script with the wisdom of Mr . Rogers is a really good thing . We 've all learned phrases like , " That was fun , but now it 's done , " or " choose one more thing . " My personal favorite is , " When you 're angry and want to roar , take a deep breath and count to 4 . " I got permission from Carly before writing this because a diagnosis of autism isn 't one a lot of people are comfortable sharing . Because Raymond 's autism comes across as very different from what many people would recognize , we hope to help and educate others . Carly and Joe took Ray to school for evaluation before being able to get him in to see a behavioral specialist . We know he will need a very specialized program in school , and the teachers have told us they 're up to the task . The diagnosis will allow Raymond to learn how to do school , without getting in trouble for the occasional meltdown . It will also allow the school to learn how Raymond communicates , without assuming he 's being a stinker when he answers all questions with a quote . For reading , he will need to be in a 1st or even 2nd grade class . His math scores put him right at grade level . Every professional who has met with Raymond has the highest praise for Carly , and so do we . Without any professional input , she taught Raymond how to self - regulate and control his anxiety . She made sure the rest of us understood what we could do to help Raymond navigate his world . She has been willing to learn , try new things , adapt , and pave the way for Raymond to be successful . We 've all done our best to step up , but she has been the driving force . We 're so excited to see what Raymond will accomplish . He 's such a sweet , smart , cool little kid . Autism is something all of us will need to learn more about , in order to assist and advocate for Raymond . As he gets older he 'll understand we 're all with him on his journey , and I have all the confidence in the world that Carly will keep us on the right path . Since we have cats , dogs and kids running around , I decided it would be safest to set up Christmas in the sunroom . We can put anything in there we want , and not worry about it getting knocked over or torn up . And since the sunroom has windows on all sides we can see it from everywhere . Of course , these windows also pose a bit of a problem . It 's December in northwest Washington . Cold . There is a heat vent in the sunroom , but with all the glass it gets really chilly . I decided some simple curtains over the main windows might help keep some of the chill out . Christmas fabric costs more than I wanted to spend for this little project . Tori spent years on the stage crew for her high school theater department , and I learned from her that muslin can be used for darn near anything . I could get 12 yards of muslin for the same cost as 2 yards of holiday - print fabric . I have 5 windows that are 32 ″ x 36 ″ so this is much more cost effective . A little creativity and I can make this work ! I haven 't used my Cricut much since I stopped teaching , but I thought I might be able to use it to cut out stencils . I didn 't know if the Cricut would cut plastic , but it was worth a try . And it worked ! ( Hint : I set it at the slowest speed , highest pressure , and deepest blade length ) I originally made single stencils , and used red dye . The dye ended up looking more like rust , and the single stencil was going to take a long time . Fortunately , I had enough panels for 6 panels , and I only needed 5 . The first panel ended up being my experiment piece . Plan B was a stencil with multiple characters cut into it , and red paint . I learned regular acrylic paint can be mixed with " textile medium " and it works like fabric paint , without the stiffness . You can also make larger amounts , instead of dealing with those little dinky bottles of fabric paint . I found the paint and textile medium at the local craft store . Once I sewed a pocket for the tension rod , the panels were going to be just a bit too short . I decided to get a little fabric to sew across the top to create a rod pocket , and make it a little cuter . I then zipped around the edges with the serger to finish them off . I 'm pretty pleased with the way they came out . If I were making these for something more permanent , I would be more precise with the stencil placement , and take a little more care to make sure each panel is even . I 've decided the imperfections add to the charm . Raymond was more interested in getting the Christmas lights hung , but Reta Jean liked my curtains . When she saw them she said , " Did you make these , Gabba ? " When I said yes , she patted my arm and said , " Good job ! " Yes , I live for the approval of a 3 - year - old . It 's not about the gifts , unless I 'm the one giving them . In my book , there 's nothing better than finding the perfect gift for someone . I 'm not talking about things that are expensive or fancy . I 'm talking about things that are perfect for the person in mind . It doesn 't always happen , but when it does , it 's a major dance - around victory ! Gift giving aside , I believe that Christmas is for children . Santa , Rudolph , decorated Christmas trees , holiday lights , fancy cookies and presents under the tree . My goal is to make Christmas as magical and full of memories for the kids as possible . This time of year , I can 't go to the store without picking up a candy cane , or little gift , before stopping off to see Raymond and Reta Jean . And every time they 're excited , and laughing and clapping , and their faces light up , I feel like I 'm doing it right . ( It 's really not about the things . I want the kids to be as excited about the magic and surprise of Christmas as I 've always been . ) My dad insisted we get new pajamas every Christmas . He said there was nothing better than getting up early , opening gifts , spending the day with family , then taking a bath , putting on your new jammies , and climbing into your warm bed . And he was right . Our kids got pajamas every year when they were children . Now that they 're adults , if we find perfect pajamas , we still have to get them … Like pizza print footie pajamas for Tori . Family traditions are an important part of making the holiday special . We got pajamas , macadamia nuts and oranges every year , no matter what . There were other gifts , too , but notice what I remember the most : the traditions . Years ago , Charlie and I both saw a " Christmas Eve Box " on the internet . The idea was to pack it full of things to make Christmas Eve special , too . The picture we saw looked something like this : We decided this fit right in with our desire to help all the kids make Christmas memories . Our two branches of grandkids have three kids each , so our boxes have to be a little bigger . I also had to add some Gabba touches . For instance , there has to be a fun activity , because I always want the kids to DO things . The first year , I made a quilt and pillows for each box . I thought the kids needed something to snuggle up with . We also put together pajamas , a movie , a book , and hot cocoa . The activities are things like cookie decorating kits . As much as I like to make things from scratch , I don 't want the kids ' moms to hate me for giving them one more thing to do . I count on kits , in hopes of making things easier . Amazon has become an important part of the process . When you 're trying to get a different book and movie every year , it helps to remember what you 've already gotten . Yep , I count on my Amazon history to help me out . They also make it easy to find matching / coordinating / specific pajamas in all the different sizes . Through all the fun we 've had this summer , poor Carly has gotten more and more pregnant . I think Raymond and Reta Jean were starting to think Mommy was always going to be pregnant , and there really wasn 't a baby . I knew she 'd be here this week because it 's the week Charlie is in California for his annual hunting trip . She has finally arrived ! Riley Ann was born 9 / 1 / 15 , 10 pounds , and 21 . 75 ″ . She 's a big , healthy girl ! While Carly and Joe were at the hospital , the kids stayed here with me . Raymond always does his own thing , so he 's pretty calm about a new kid in the house . Reta Jean had a few concerns , though . She wanted Mommy to hurry and come home , and kept asking where Mommy and Daddy were . She knew , she just needed to hear they were coming back for her . She 's also been confirming for about a week that I 'm HER Gabba . I told her , of course , but I 'm going to be Riley Ann 's Gabba , too . Reta Jean says , no , that 's not OK . I 'm her Gabba and Riley has to figure out something else . Carly sent pictures as soon as Riley arrived , but we had to wait to go visit . After waiting all day , we finally got the call to come . I don 't think I 've ever seen the kids get dressed and get their shoes on so fast . All the way to the hospital , the kids were practicing songs to sing for Riley . They decided Old McDonald was too long and had too many parts . Raymond thought ABCs were a good choice , so we practiced that . I started singing Inch Worm to Raymond from his very first visit to Gabba 's house . ( I was pretty sure of the words , it was short , and I could just sing it over and over . ) Raymond thought Inch Worm was an OK idea , as long as we sang the " interesting " parts - we had to include the addition parts . When we finally got to the hospital , the kids couldn 't get in fast enough . The gift shop is wisely placed right in front of the maternity wing . This was good because the kids really needed to bring presents . After some exploring , Raymond decided on Cookie Monster and Reta Jean went with Abby Cadabby . The first thing Reta Jean did was give Riley her present , and climb up on the bed with Mommy and the baby . She was absolutely fascinated with this little person , but she was a little disappointed that Riley wasn 't big enough to play with , yet . And what did Raymond want to do ? Play on the bed . So many buttons to figure out ! He did finally settle down and say hi . For a minute . They both got to hold Riley and loved her immediately . Reta Jean is going to take care of her and help Mommy with everything . She 's counting the days until Riley can play with her - we told her she 'd have to wait until at least Christmas . Raymond is going to make sure she learns all the " interesting things . " He was VERY clear on that - Riley needs to know all the interesting things . Everybody is home now , settling in . We 're all excited to get to know her , and have new adventures . Congratulations , Carly and Joe ! Welcome to the family , Riley Ann ! Reta Jean just knew she was meant to be a princess . She loves all things pink and sparkly . Her mom and dad let me sign her up for a natural pageant , and she was ready to show her stuff . The entry forms included questions about her favorite things and hobbies . Reta Jean 's favorite foods are marshmallows and ice cream , and her hobbies are dancing , jiu jitsu and working in the garden with papa . She also likes to cut her own hair . Which she did just 2 weeks before the pageant . A big chunk on the top of her head . Right against her scalp . In retrospect , none of these things sound very princess - y , but Reta Jean wanted to be a princess , so we did what we could to make it happen . While waiting for the pageant to start , Reta Jean didn 't want to hang out in the dressing room with the girls . She came out to the auditorium and immediately started practicing her jiu jitsu on the mats hanging on the wall . Dad got her to stop beating up the walls , and she decided to dance instead . Did I mention her favorite TV show is " So You Think You Can Dance " ? Yep , and her favorite style , right now , is break dancing . Everybody else may think she 's rolling around on the floor , but she 's DANCING ! Before heading back to the dressing room , she finally showed me her " pretty feet " pose . She 's been practicing , and is quite good at it , for as long as she can stand still . For the opening number , all the girls criss - crossed on the stage to their spots , then all they had to do was stand still and smile . I tried to get a picture of Reta Jean standing still , but that just doesn 't happen . She was so happy that things were finally starting , she kept dancing and waving . Then , it was back to the dressing room to get ready for the beauty portion . Mom and I helped , but Reta Jean picked out everything she was going to wear . She loves her pretty pink dress and fancy white shoes . Mom tried to cover her almost - bald spot with a head band , but it just didn 't work . It was better to just let her wear it down and let the short spot blend in . In reality , it just made her hair look a bit thinner . She 'd be on the stage and the judges probably wouldn 't see the top of her head anyway . Hopefully . We had our hands full keeping her off the stage before it was her turn . We let her walk around the hall to keep her occupied and barely dodged a meltdown . She REALLY wanted her turn on stage . It 's always hard to get pictures of Reta Jean because she is in perpetual motion . It seems like even when she 's still , she 's " vibrating . " Whirling dervish , Tasmanian Devil , Hurricane Reta . Those all suit her just fine . Walking slowly for the judges ? Not so much . She hopped onto the stage and introduced herself . " I 'm Reta Jean . I 'm 3 . Oh , I 'm 2 . " And she was off ! She skipped to her first mark , then monster walked to her second . The slow turn at the front mark ? That turned into a dance spin with Mom . For her exit , we had practiced blowing a kiss and waving with two hands . Apparently , that wasn 't enough to capture how excited she was . She jumped up and down , blew multiple kisses , and had to be coaxed off the stage by Mom , while she continued to wave at everybody . We just knew she was going to win for Best Personality , if nothing else . Once Beauty was over , we watched the exiting queens , and had one more of many " 10 minute " breaks , while we waited for crowning . She rested with some cookies while the exiting queens were presented , then couldn 't be still another minute . She was off and running around the back of the auditorium with the boys . Once the stage was available , she was right back up there . There were stage lights to check out , dance moves to practice , and excitement to burn off . No sitting quietly with Mom and Dad for our Reta Jean . Finally , it was time for crowning . Fortunately , her group was first . This is when we learned they had a category for " Best Poise , " not " Best Personality . " No shot there . The kid has no fear and no inhibitions . And , apparently , no poise . And that 's perfectly OK . She won a Princess tiara and participation trophy . And … ready for this ? Best Hair ! I agree ! Even with a chunk missing , there 's no beating her fabulous curls . She was hot , sweaty and exhausted , and THRILLED with her awards . While Reta Jean had a wonderful time at her first pageant , I don 't think the pageant world is ready for her . Pageant girls are beautiful and well - behaved . And still . And poised . If they had categories for Best Laugh or Most Sparkly Personality or Bounciest , Reta Jean would be a shoo in . Like so many wonderful little girls , Reta Jean is a sparkly peg , and will never be contained in a round hole . I have no doubt she 'll find her stage someday . And she 's going to fill it with love and magic and sparkles . Because she 's Reta Jean . Our family has never been supporters of pageants . I understand , in theory , they can be viewed as a positive . They can promote self - confidence and there 's a chance of winning scholarships . I think the reality can be a lot more damaging . No matter how much pageant directors want us to believe it 's about poise and personality , it 's also very much about appearance . This is not something I wanted my girls to be a part of . We tried to raise the girls to be strong , independent young women . Through the years , they played soccer and water polo , swam competitively , and were involved in photography , art and theater . They were encouraged to pursue their interests , and being a girl was never a reason not to try something . When Tori was in high school , a new class in stage production was offered . She had already been working on the theater sets and was excited to enroll in this new class . Initially , the teacher tried to cast her aside , and even suggested she should listen to the boys to learn what to do . Needless to say , none of us were happy with this - Grandpa had made Tori her first workbench when she was only 4 or so . Tori kept her cool , and worked hard , and soon the boys were coming to her for help . When " Toddlers and Tiaras " was created , the girls and I would watch it regularly . We rolled our eyes , got indignant about bratty behavior , and thought most of the mothers were awful . But every now and then a girl or her mother would catch our attention . The girls who loved to dress up , but didn 't care if they won . Or the moms who lovingly encouraged their girls to participate to help them get over their shyness or awkwardness , or to give them the opportunity to participate despite a disability . Our favorites were the girls who were out there having a great time spending time with their families . So , maybe in the right circumstances pageants aren 't all bad . If it 's something the girls really wants to do , and her family is willing to support her to accomplish HER goals , it could be OK . We even thought the more natural pageants were pretty cool . Then , along came Reta Jean ! This little girl is just overflowing with confidence and personality . She 's fearless and friendly and funny . She loves being the center of attention and loves to dress up like a princess . She 's also loving and not afraid to speak her mind . She 's only 2 , but we have joked about her being a pageant girl for a long time . I mean , if you ask her if she wants to be a princess , she 'll very firmly remind you that she IS a princess . Enter the Miss Gold Dust Royalty Pageant . This is a local , natural , small - town pageant , celebrating Gold Dust Days in the town of Gold Bar . The most important part , though , is this is a community service pageant . The pageant itself is used to collect food for local food banks . The contestant who wins the title of " Ambassador " is the contestant who brings the most food donations . " Queen of Queens " is a winner from the previous year , who participated in the most community events during their reign . There is a full schedule of events throughout the year , like Relay for Life , that winners are encouraged to participate in . Carly and I told Reta Jean we were going to Princess School , because that sounds way more fun than Informational Meeting . We figured if she liked it , great , if not , no biggie . Well , she loved it ! She sat very patiently during the boring meeting part , then was the first kid up on the stage to practice . She was so busy running around the stage , she ended up being one of the last to practice , but that just gave her time to see what she was supposed to do . She was almost a natural . The co - director , Katelynn , ran her through the walking pattern and Reta Jean took right to it . ( The pictures are a little blurry because , well because it 's Reta Jean . Next time I 'll take my camera and have it set on action mode . ) She loved waving and blowing kisses and being on the stage . She also had a ball throwing in extra spins and running in circles instead of regally turning . She tried to convince Carly that was how it was SUPPOSED to be done . Seeing how much fun she was having , and knowing she would be participating in community service events , convinced us this was for her . The big day is in just 4 weeks . There will be one more " training " party before the pageant , and we 'll make sure Reta Jean makes it to that . Meanwhile , she 's enjoying Princess Practice , as long as it doesn 't interfere with playtime . She won her t - shirt in a raffle , and insisted on sleeping in it . I 'm sure it will be getting a lot of wear . We think she 'll do great in the pageant . If not , we 'll all have a great time getting ready for it . The weather forecasters and locals are going crazy ! We 're in heavy drought conditions and it 's HOT ! Now , I can get on board with the fact that there 's a drought . Last year , we had a total of just under 70 inches of rain . This year , so far , we 're at a total of about 6 inches , with a whopping 1 / 4 inch for the month of June . So , yeah , it 's dry ! The whole " hot " thing , I 'm having a little more trouble with . It 's getting into the mid - to high - 80s , and flirting with the low 90s for a few days over the upcoming weeks . Not having air conditioning does make the afternoon high a little uncomfortable , but the evenings still get down into the 50s and 60s . I can open up the house and let the cool air in , and I love it ! OK , ok , it 's hot . But it 's not lose - your - mind - HOT ! ( Remember , I grew up in Palm Springs . This week , they 're getting up to 115 , and their overnight lows are the same as our daily highs . ) The trick is to balance the drought and the heat issues . I was running the sprinkler in the animal yard for a while everyday , but it 's getting too hot for that , and the sprinkler would need to be on too long . We got a wading pool for the kids a couple weeks ago , so I figured it was time to get a few for the animals . All the kids like playing in the water , but Reta Jean LOVES it ! She says , " Gabba , I love the huge , huge bathtub ! " The boys eventually want to go play at the troll bridge , or run up and down the hill , but not Reta Jean . She 's a mermaid princess ! The animals weren 't quite as sure about the pools . Even the ducks studied them for awhile . Tajo loves the water as much as Reta Jean , so he was the first to head over and check it out . The hose was his first clue that something cool was happening . The ducks crack me up all the time . They always quack - quack - quack around together . I 'll very rarely seen one away from the others , unless one is laying an egg . They held true to form in checking out the pool . Their quacking is usually very soft and soothing . The more the pool filled up , the more excited their quacking got . Even though the ducks were getting loud , they still weren 't getting in the water . I decided I would need to step back and let them do their thing . Once I wasn 't hanging over the fence , more of the gang came around . Tajo didn 't want to get in , but he enjoyed drinking the water . The ducks eventually got in , and then they were really happy . There was so much splashing around , Spike decided he needed to keep his distance . He was like the mom hanging by the pool with the kids , but not wanting to get wet . I had to hang out and watch the fun . There was another pool in the yard , but everybody liked this one . Probably because it was in the shade . We have chairs set out by the animal yard , in the shade of pines and a flowery plant ( I still don 't know what that plant is called ) . It was already one of my favorite spots in the yard , and now it 's even more so . When the days get to their hottest around 3 or 4 in the afternoon , this spot is shady and cool . I sit and watch the critters playing in the water , and wait for the heat to pass . Since moving to Washington , we 've learned that visitors come during the summer . ( In Palm Springs , visitors come in the winter . ) And why not ? The trees are green , the flowers are in bloom , and the weather is beautiful ! That , and we love having people up to the farm . It 's still new to us , and we 're still figuring out what we 're doing , so it 's fun to share what we 're learning with our " city " friends . A couple weeks ago , our youngest son PJ moved from Southern California to Portland . That puts him just 3 1 / 2 hours away ! He had some unexpected time off and he came to visit this past week . He 's only been up twice since we moved , and both times were quick trips . Having him Sunday - Thursday was a treat for all of us . The first morning , he got up bright and early to help me with my chores . We had to make fun of him for putting his jacket on since it was in the high 60s . At first the alpacas made him nervous , but he got over that really fast . Turns out his main concern was getting spit on . At one point he heard a strange noise and asked why the alpacas were doing that . They were just standing there . They weren 't doing anything . The noise PJ heard was the ducks quacking . We really need to work on countrifying this boy . Carly brought Raymond and Reta Jean up to visit . The kids taught PJ how to look for eggs , shoo away the chickens when they 're being pests , and play nice with the pacas . It 's rewarding to see that farm life has become second nature to the kids . Raymond still doesn 't like roosters , but he doesn 't get scared off anymore . Little Reta Jean thinks she 's the farm boss , and the animals seem to believe it , too . After chores and farm lessons , it was time to play . PJ hadn 't seen the Troll Bridge area since it was just a big tree . Raymond and Reta Jean had a ball showing off their play area . I had taken PJ to town the day before to pick up supplies to make the chalkboard , so this was the first time the kids got to use it , and it was a hit . After drawing awhile , it was time for a sword fight and jumping off the troll bridge . PJ 's just a big kid himself , and they all played and played . It didn 't take any time at all for Reta Jean to charm PJ out of his ice cream cone . I think PJ needed a nap as badly as the kids did when they were done playing . They 're going to love having him around more . He 's the only one who even comes close to keeping up with them . PJ has 4 roommates - all young men in their 20 's . That meant I couldn 't send him home without food . The garden won 't be producing well until his next visit , but I was still able to send him home with lots of eggs . He also got homemade lasagna and chocolate chip cookies , as well as angel food cake and strawberries . At least I know he had food for a day or two . If you consider summer to be from Memorial Day to Labor Day , then our family is going to be all about summer this year . We started it with PJ 's move , and we 'll be ending it with baby Riley 's arrival . In between , we 'll have 6 birthdays , friends and family visiting , the County Fair , and all kinds of fun on the farm . And to think , I used to hate summer . |
We were sitting having coffee and wondering how to negotiate a forecasted 110 degree day . I suggested we get out of town and drive up into the Sierras , and Malida immediately agreed . I filled a cooler full of ice , water , and fruit , and we headed east . Our goal was a place called Kirkwood , up highway 88 . It is a pretty drive to get there - - pretty much the same drive we take to get to all the little gold rush towns in the foothills , but further east . In the winter , Kirkwood is a major ski resort , but in the summer , the area is dotted with a series of meadows and alpine lakes . The area is about 30 minutes from Lake Tahoe , but without all the people . It is a well - kept secret . We got up there and decided to hike along the May Lake trail , which descends from the highway down into a meadow and some creeks . Normally the creeks are fairly placid . In years past , I used to fish them . Now I just take pictures . This is what one of the creeks looked like today . The water was so high and fast that we could only go about a third of the way in before we lost the trail , so we stopped and watched the water go by and enjoyed the day . It was in the high 70s and just about perfect . We ate cherries . A selfie . Me and Malida , and my scraggly summer beard . I love not having to shave . Some wildflowers growing from the rocks beside the trail . Because this place is at about 8000 feet , spring comes late . Amazingly , there is still some snow on the ground . I taught Malida a little about how to read trail markings . I showed her some blazes carved into bark and some rock piles that help to show the way . And there 's always the sign that says TRAIL - - - - > . Yonder be the ski resort . It looks like it could be in Switzerland . After this we headed back down the hill and watched the temperature slowly rise . By the time we got to the produce stand about 20 minutes east of where we live , which is kind of the rural boundary , the temperature was reading at 111 . We bought some early corn and came home . Tomorrow is supposed to be significantly cooler - - maybe 100 . I got up fairly early and drove back up to my step - sister 's to spend some more time with my dad . He 's up there all week and just hanging around the pool . I got there at about 9 : 30 and we had coffee and sat outside with my step - sister . She had to go to an appointment , so my dad and I got in the car and headed up the road about 15 miles to the town of Colfax . Colfax is a small town along Highway 80 , on the way to Reno . It was , they say , an important staging area for the building of the section of the transcontinental railroad line that went over the Sierra Nevada mountains . My dad heard there was a museum here and wanted to take a look . He thought it was a rail museum , but it was really just a collection of old stuff from the town . They did have some rail maps , though , and my dad showed me the route he took when he worked on the mail train back in the early 1960s . He says it was the best post office job he ever had . They would load up the mail in Oakland and sort it along the way , as well as collecting mail from the different towns . He says the work didn 't really take very much time , and they spent most of their time eating and playing cards as they headed over the mountains . The would stay overnight in a $ 2 hotel in Winnemucca Nevada , and head back the next day . Eventually it was less expensive to send mail via trucks and air , and they discontinued the rail post office service . One of the interesting things in the museum was a collection of medicine bottles from the old pharmacy that closed years ago . I took some pictures to toss into my lecture slides . I love old medical stuff like that . Potsssium bromide , which was once used to control seizures . Now it is used only in animals . After the museum we had some lunch , and then headed back down to Holly 's and hung out by the pool and talked for a while . I think it was the longest time he and I have spent together without other people around in years and years . It was a good visit . I headed back down to the valley and the 110 degree temperatures . I had closed all the cuCurrent Music : Felice Brothers - - Diamond Bell Another warm day in the forecast . People who live in my area are freaking out about it on Facebook . We get a bunch of 100 + degree days here every year . It 's part of living here . It 's like complaining that it is raining in Seattle . Not to say that there aren 't some people adversely affected by the heat - - particularly our homeless population . The local governments have opened some cooling centers for those who do not have the luxury of escaping the heat in air - conditioned houses and cars . We went out walking early this morning , before it got too hot . There were a lot of people out in the park doing the same thing . When we drove past the park this afternoon , it was deserted . As I walked past this tree , I noticed two things - - the colors , and what looked like a face to me . I stopped to take a picture . Malida commented that she saw a face as well . I see faces in all sorts of things . I read something recently about a guy who sees faces in all sorts of things , and then paints the faces he sees . It was fascinating . Our plan to beat the heat was to go to the movies . We had a light lunch at LaBou , and then headed to the theater . We rarely see films in the theater , unless it is something special . Before we saw The Godfather a few weeks ago , I would guess that it had been about 2 years since we saw a film on the big screen . We saw Wonder Woman , which was completely awesome . It was not a movie I was planning to see , or even paying any attention to . I was aware that it existed , but that 's about it . Superhero action films are not something I am drawn to . Anyway , one of my friends here talked about seeing it , and the way she talked about it made me want to see it . I mentioned it to Malida last night , and she said she had heard good things about it and wanted to see it was well . I love actors who can tell you what they are experiencing by just their facial expressions . Gal Gadot , who plays Wonder Woman , has that . Even though it is an action film , it is also a fairly complex drama , driven by her journey into and exposure to the real Current Music : Phosphorescent - - Los Angeles I was emptying the dishwasher this morning and realized that I tend to put my favorite coffee mugs in a certain place , so that when I open the cabinet , at least one of them will be there . We have a lot of coffee mugs - - enough to last a month if we used one every day and them broke it . Some are in heavy rotation , and others just kind of sit in the back of the cupboard hoping to be picked . We have gone through them before and gotten rid of a few , but the " keep " pile is always more substantial than the " toss " pile . Four of my favorites , from left to right : Cafe Du Monde , MURSE , California Zephyr , and Mystery Spot . Cafe Du Monde : From my first trip to New Orleans back in the 90s when my mom got sick there and spent a month in the hospital . I have a newer Cafe Du Monde cup from the last time I was there earlier this year , and it gets an honorable mention . MURSE : Given to me by my students a number of years ago . It was my work mug for a while , until I was gifted a pink Hello Kitty mug by another class . For work mugs , Hello Kitty has no peer . California Zephyr : This is the mug I was holding in my hand when I realized that I gave certain mugs special preference . I bought this last month when we were at the rail museum in Jamestown . Even though it is the newest , it has risen to the top as far as mugs I prefer . There was at least one time this week that I spared it from the dishwasher and hand - washed it so I could use it the next day . When I was a kid , we used to stay at some cabins along the Feather River , and every afternoon , the California Zephyr train would go past on the other side of the river , on its way to Chicago . Mystery Spot : I love this mug . I got it at the Mystery Spot , which is a tourist attraction in Santa Cruz . It is one of those places where bowling balls roll uphill , etc . It is cheesy , but authentically cheesy . We were there about 5 years ago during a short but delightful trip . In other news , I went in to work this morning to hand in the keys to the old building and pick up the keys to the portable buildinCurrent Music : Pink Floyd - - Not Now John We went up to Auburn to have Father 's day at my step - sisters house . Pretty much everyone was there except for one step - sister ( the one that usually does all the cooking for these things ) , whose husband is ill . It was nice to see everyone . I don 't see my step - siblings all that often , but I enjoy being around them . My dad hasn 't completely bounced back from his cardiac issue and pacemaker placement . He seemed somewhat weak and frail compared to how he was a few months ago , though for 88 he is doing pretty well . In my experience as a nurse , I have seen that you can be really healthy at an advanced age , but it doesn 't take much to disrupt that . My step siblings ' father , Dick , was there too , and he is somewhat in the same shape . After I got done talking with my dad about how he is feeling , Dick asked , " Is the clinic open ? " , and asked me about some issues he is having . Both of them had symptoms that their doctors need to know about , and I recommended that they both give their doctors a call . My dad and Dick get along pretty well , considering they were both married to the same woman . I find that curious . We had a great brunch and then everyone hung out in the pool , as it was about 104 degrees out . It was a lazy afternoon full of small conversations . I spent some time talking with my step - brother Eric . It was good to catch up with him . I 'm not sure why I didn 't take a shot of everyone in the pool . Maybe because I was in the pool too , and didn 't want to get out . I would have stayed in there all afternoon if I had more faith in sunscreen , but I 've been burned before . The alpacas came out in the late afternoon and hung out under the shade of a tree . It was a good day , and I was glad to see my dad and my family . He will be there all week , and I will go up again on Wednesday to hang out and visit some more . It 's hot here , and gonna stay hot . Malida woke me up at 5 : 30 this morning and suggested we go out walking before it got to hot . I suggested rolling over and sleeping for another hour . We did get up at 6 : 30 and went for a walk . The temperature was already 78 . It was a nice walk , and there were plenty of people who had the same idea . It was in the mid 80s by the time we finished . We came home and had coffee and did chores until we went out again for some lunch at Malida 's favorite hamburger place . Interestingly , there were a lot less people there than usual . Maybe the heat keep them home . It was 99 when we went to eat . From where I was sitting in the restaurant , I could see the people in the next table . It looked to be a guy , his mom , and his girlfriend . I could only really see the girlfriend 's face . She seemed pretty uncomfortable around the mom . A lot of looking out the window as mom and son chatted , and looking at her phone . I love watching people and trying to figure out what is going on . After lunch we came home and took a nap . I dreamed that the cats were sleeping on my lap , but there were two extra cats . I wondered where they came from . I tossed one out the door , and decided to keep the other one . After we got up I prepared some vegetables to take to our friends ' new house . They used to live on the far side of town , but now they are on our side , and much closer . They have a lovely home with lots of counter space in the kitchen . We enjoyed a meal and talked for hours . It is nice to have them closer to us . It is still in the mid 90s , and will only cool down to 80 overnight . Tomorrow we will go up to see my dad and my step - sister . Her house is up in the foothills where it will be a few degrees cooler , and she has a pool , so should be just about perfect . The bright pond early this morning . It was going to be hot today so I got an early start . I talked with one of my doctoral class friends fairly early as I had my coffee , just to catch up . We will be up her way in August , and are making plans to meet up . After I talked with her I went out and ran errands . I had a drawer runner that was broken , and although I am not in any sense a handyman , I thought this was something I could tackle , so I got the stuff for it . After the hardware store , I took the car to the car wash . My sister will be here this weekend and we will take her up to see my dad at my step sister 's house on Sunday for Father 's day , so Malida wanted me to make sure the car was clean . Not that my sister would notice . While I was at the car wash I ran into two old friends - - Ed and Doloris . Ed was in my deacon class , and we were ordained together back in 2004 . I haven 't seen them for a few years . They are among the kindest people I know . When my first wife was sick , Doloris would drive her to chemo when I wasn 't able too , and they were always there for us . We chatted for a few minutes until their car was ready , and made plans to meet again soon . When I lived in Oakland , there was an actual place called Mom 's Rainbow Diner , Car Wash , and Disco Lounge . And it was a diner , car wash and disco lounge . I didn 't have a car then , so never actually got to have a car wash there , but I have never forgotten it . There was a big rainbow painted over the place . The other day I mentioned that something had irritated me , and I didn 't want to write about it then . I thought about it today and found that it no longer irritates me , so I will just let it be . I came home and fixed the drawer , and it works perfectly . It 's my junk drawer , so it gets used a lot . Does everyone have a junk drawer , or is it peculiar to my family ? I keep all sorts of stuff in there , like old keys , a hammer , some screwdrivers , a ball of twine , a plastic fly , and so on . I had lunch and then lazed during the heat of the afternoon . In the evening I went out and watered the plants and made some Current Music : Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit - - Tupelo The guys came this morning to chop down the palm tree . There were three of them . Alejandro and his two assistants . I asked him how he would do it and he explained it to me . He looked up at all the dead fronds and noted that there were probably some animals living in there , which someone had already suggested to me . Alejandro added that there might even be raccoons in there . We do have raccoons in our neighborhood , but I thought they lived in the storm drains . He put a big ladder up against the tree and climbed up to the top . He cleared some fronds , then climbed onto the tree itself and roped himself in . His assistant removed the ladder and there he was , up in the tree , with a chain saw . I was impressed . I would be reluctant to be up that high . Once he was settled up there , he went to work . He dropped stuff down to his assistants , who took it out front and put it through a wood chipper . He has an efficient operation . We went for a walk in the park and when we got back , they had the tree down , and were getting ready to go to work on the stump . Alejandro drove the stump grinder and got it down to nothing , then ground the stump of another tree we had taken out last year . They were done in about 2 1 / 2 hours . Now it looks like this . The fence will come down in a week or two , and be replaced . After that we will have our garden guy clear things out and will build some planter boxes , etc . Malida wants a cherry tree too . After the tree we went out and had Chinese food for lunch . We hardly ever have Chinese , because Malida doesn 't like it . The place also has Mongolian BBQ , and I might go back on my own to try that . I was chopping down a palm treeWhen a friend dropped by to askIf I would feel less lonelyIf he helped me swing the axe . I said : No , it ' snot a case of being lonelyWe have here , I 've been working on this palm treeFor eighty seven yearsI said : No , it ' snot a case of being lonelyWe have here , I 've been working on this palm treeFor eighty seven yearsHe said : Go get lost ! And walked towards his Cadillac . I chopped down the pCurrent Music : Neil Young - - The Last Trip to Tulsa I had something to post about yesterday - - a minor rant about something that happened in the morning and took four hours to resolve , but as I got on to write about it , I saw the first reports of the big high - rise fire in London and watched the Sky News coverage . I decided my minor rant wasn 't important considering the unfolding tragedy . I was quite surprised to wake up and find that the London fire wasn 't the major news story today . It had been bumped by the shooting of some congress people and aides in Virginia by some crazed gunman . If that weren 't enough , there was another mass shooting in San Francisco . Unbelievable . I don 't have a picture that describes today , so I am using one from last year of some peaceful flowers . Crossposts : http : / / zyzyly . livejournal . com / 363960 . html It was a lovely day . I took a walk in the park and did errands , arranged to have the palm tree removed , made eye doctor appointments for Malida and myself , and had a nice salad for lunch . In the evening I drove downtown to the new arena that opened late last year to see a concert featuring Roger Waters , one of the founding members of Pink Floyd . The arena is much better than I imagined . There is a plaza with some public art that leads to the main entrance . Lots of nice places to sit , which I did , because I was somewhat early . I watched people arrive for the show . Most of them were somewhere near my age , but a surprising number of younger people as well . I had a pretty good seat about halfway back , but with a good sightline to the stage and the huge screen above it . The people sitting near me on either side were very friendly . I won the award for having seen Pink Floyd three times , and Roger Waters as a solo act once previously . The guy to my left , Carlo , said " Wow , dude ! How old are you ? " For the first half of the show , there was just a big screen behind the band . They projected all sorts of stuff up there . Pink Floyd was ahead of the game in concert visuals , and Roger Waters seems to have incorporated everything he has learned into this production . During the second set , a second series of screens dropped down from the ceiling and bisected the audience . I don 't think I have ever seen anything like it before . Roger Waters doesn 't make his dislike of Trump a secret . One of my Texas pro - Trump friends suggested that a lot of people would probably walk out at this point , but It brought the crowd to their feet , cheering . And of course , a blurry photo of the flying pig . When I first saw Pink Floyd perform Animals , back in 1977 ( 40 years ago ! ! ! Wow , dude ! How old are you ? ) , the pig was suspended on a wire and just traveled from the back of the stadium to the front . Now , the pig is a drone , with a bunch of little motors that someone is remotely controlling . This meant that the pig could wander all over the arena , which eCurrent Music : Pink Floyd - - Sheep It almost looked like it was going to rain today , and I guess it did in some areas near us . One of my friends who lives up in the foothills reported some hail . We don 't normally seen rain this time of year , so it was noteworthy . The clouds brought a nice cool day . We went out and walked in the park this morning . Lots of people were setting up for picnics , and there were a bunch of baseball or softball tournaments going on . Interestingly , there were also all sorts of yellow - beaked magpies about . We see them all the time in the park , but they were all concentrated at the edges of the baseball diamonds , seemingly watching the games . I took a blurry and unusable picture of two of them sitting on a fence watching the action on the diamond . We had some lunch and came home and napped for a bit before watching a dvd of The Godfather Part II . It 's a long movie , and we took a break at the halfway point , so we didn 't finish it until about 7 pm . Malida wanted to go right into Godfather III , but I convinced her to wait for another day . It 's even longer , and not as good as the first two . As with the first film last week , I was struck by how well made this one was . After cooking for the past three days , I had plenty of leftovers , so that 's what we had while we watched the movie . Current Music : Younger Brother - - Ribbon on a Branch The palm tree that has to come down . I am kind of bummed . I like this tree , but pretty soon it will be in my neighbor 's yard as well as mine . Goslings in the creek during our walk today . It was a lovely day for a walk . After we walked we tried a new Korean restaurant , which was authentic and good . I grilled some ribs for dinner . That 's about it . I had a few things to do today - - do the laundry , meet with my landscaping guy to go over what we want to do in our backyard , pick up some pants that are being altered . I think that was about it . The landscaping guy was an hour late , but arrived with his entire crew and did a bunch of work in our yard before we talked . We want to have some planter boxes put in , have a big tree taken out , and have the back fence replaced . I like this guy - - he did a great job with our front yard . The tree we are taking out is a giant palm tree that started out from nothing , and is now taking out my back fence . I could have taken a picture of it today so you could see , but I didn 't . I could have also taken a picture of the landscape guy , Mr . Escoto , but I didn 't . We decided the first thing was to get rid of the tree . It is not a job he thinks he can do , but he knows a guy . Next will be the fence , and after that we will discuss the yard . Malida wants a spa too , but that 's a different story . After Mr . Escoto left , I went to the store to get some stuff to make carne asada from a recipe somebody posted on Facebook yesterday . One of the best things about Facebook is all the food related stuff . I see something that looks good and I print it out and make it . I had some lunch , then made my marinade and put the meat in it . The marinade had lime juice , garlic , onion , cilantro , salt , pepper , a jalapeño , and olive oil . It was a beautiful green color . I could have taken a picture of it , but I didn 't . After the meat was marinating , I took a nap . During my nap I dreamed that there was a big storm and most of the trees in my back yard blew over . Then there was an explosion at the house up the street , which isn 't really a house , but a CIA cover . I walked over and the front wall was gone . You could see inside to the living room , and there were a couple of CIA guys standing there . I mentioned to them that their front wall was gone . One of them told me that they could neither confirm or deny that . I could have taken a picture of their living room in my drCurrent Music : City and Colour - - Coming Home I had thought about getting up early to watch the Senate hearings , but missed the first hour of it . The rest was somewhat fascinating . Malida was quite interested in it , and the fact that it can happen at all . Not like that in Thailand . We watched and had our coffee , and the cats were happy . It was rainy this morning , so just about perfect . After the hearings I got dressed ( in jeans and a shirt with lobsters ) and went in to work to take care of a few things . My boss was there , just back from Tahiti , so we chatted about her trip for a while . I went to Tahiti for my first honeymoon back in 1993 , courtesy of my parents , who disagreed with my idea to go camping . I remember it as being as close to paradise as any place I have visited , particularly the island of Moorea . After work I went to the big hardware store to get some stuff to fix one of the kitchen drawers . Even though I am not much of a handyman , I think this job is well within my skill level . We 'll know for sure tomorrow . I played a couple of new albums for my music friends tonight . The highlight was a live concert with Mavis Staples and friends . I love listening to Mavis . She is a national treasure . I made some unplanned chicken piccata ( sans capers which I didn 't have ) with pan - roasted fingerling potatoes and asparagus for dinner . It was pretty delicious . I substituted lime juice for lemon , and it gave it a little twang . I got the idea for making the piccata from one of my friends who I was listening to music with , after he was talking about having made the same thing and posted some pictures that convinced me that 's what I wanted to eat . eta : I was able to register for my class without issue . I found out that the former student who clued me in to the class is also taking it , which is way cool . She is Hmong , and has offered to help me implement my project . I 'll have someone to practice with . The other day one of my former students sent me a link to a class that is being offered in the fall at one of our sister colleges . It is a conversational Hmong class , and she thought I might like it . She was correct . I thought it would be great to learn a little Hmong so I can at least say hi to my potential research subjects in their native language . The class is held on Monday and Wednesday evenings , which would work out well for me . The campus is actually closer to my home that the one I teach at , so that works out too . So I decided to sign up for the class . I discovered that I can 't just sign up for the class , I have to enroll in the college , as I have not taken classes in the district for a while . It 's all online , so no big deal , but it is a long application and asks for everything I have ever done academically , which is well over 300 units by now . Anyway , I did it and submitted the application . I got an email the next day from admissions informing me that , for reasons they did not provide , I did not meet the criteria for in - state tuition . I was born in California and have been a legal resident all my life . I was in the military , and was discharged to California , my home of record . I teach in the same district ! So I called and was told I had to speak to the residency specialist , but that she was overwhelmed at the moment and would call me back tomorrow , which was Tuesday . She didn 't call , so I decided to go down to the campus Admissions and Records department and see what I could find out . I 'm off for the summer , so I look for stuff like this to do . I found a form online that allows one to challenge residency , and filled it out , as well as dug up all my supporting documents . The campus is really lovely . There are lots of trees everywhere , and all the buildings are red brick . It is one of the newer colleges in our district ( mine being the oldest , by far ) . I found the A & R building easily . I waited in line for about 20 minutes , and then went to the window . I started explaining my situation to the young man behiCrossposts : http : / / zyzyly . livejournal . com / 362424 . html We drove down to the SF Bay Area to see my dad and have lunch with him today . We left a bit early so we could spend some time walking on the bay trail , but unexpected traffic put us behind so we had to skip it . My dad looks good after having a pacemaker implanted . He says he feels good too , and has his appetite back after losing 8 pounds after the procedure . He asked me to look up his medications to see if they were ok , and they were . That 's generally what parents ask their children who are nurses . We had a great lunch at The Fish Market , which is where we always go . It is his favorite restaurant , and one of my favorites as well . There seems to be very little variability in our visits , which is how it has been as far back as when he and my mom divorced and I had weekly visits with him . We are creatures of habit and like the familiarity of doing the same thing time and again . I 'll see him again up at my step - sisters place for Father 's day . I always look forward to that . My step - sister has a lovely house on a hill , with a nice pool , abut an hour from where I live . He will be up there the whole week , so I will go up one day and hike around with him along the American River . My dad 's collection of Warriors bobbleheads . His apartment is filled with little curios and things he has brought back from all over the world . We got home and rested for a while , and I cooked dinner - - grilled steak , at Malida 's request . I also grilled some yukon gold potatoes and white corn . It was delicious . We split half of a dark beer . After dinner I was directed to an old music video from the 70s by a friend . It was from a show called " The Midnight Special " that was on tv in the mid 70s . It featured live performances from the top bands of the era . What set it apart from pretty much every other music show was that the performances were actually live . Me and my friends would get stoned and watch it every Friday night . I spent about 2 hours down that rabbit hole , reliving the music of my youth . Actually 2 + hours , as I still listening as I type thiCurrent Music : Focus - - Hocus Pocus The cats sharing a meal . This is really the only time they get along - - when I put out a plate of wet food for them . They act in concert to get me to give it to them , and then they share together . It 's kind of sweet . I was thinking this morning about waking up 49 years ago . I had gone to bed not knowing if Bobby Kennedy had won the California Primary . I was 11 years old , and completely enraptured by his campaign . He was the first political candidate I paid attention to . I read the paper about his campaign stops and watched the evening news to see what was happening . I woke up to the news , from my mom , that he had won , but that he had also been shot . To this day I still wonder how the world might be different , if only . . . For of all sad words of tongue and pen . the saddest are these , ' It might have been ' . It was a lovely day . We got up and enjoyed our coffee and our cats , along with some good music from the satellite radio . On Sunday mornings , the radio station I like to listen to has Celtic music until 9 , then turns it over to a guy named David Johansen , sometimes known as Buster Poindexter or Sri Rama - Lama - Ding - Dong , who always plays a surprisingly good three hours of eclectic music . You never know what you are going to get . After our coffee we went out walking along the creek . Nothing new to report other than seeing two of our geese with a bunch of goslings , and a small turtle swimming lazily along shaded by a drifting piece of algae . We saw three trains go by - - one Amtrak passenger train and two freight trains . Even from a distance , you can tell the freights from the passenger by the sound . It surprised me that I was able to make the distinction . Malida does some sort of train dance . After our walk we got some noodles and then drove across town to the theater for the showing of The Godfather . We got there a little early and went across the street for a cup of coffee . Although it wasn 't very busy , it took them quite a while to get my espresso . Apparently the guy next to me thought they were slow too , and he complained . The server just kind of gazed at him . I thanked her , and she just kind of gazed at me too . Whatever . The film was shown in one of the smaller theaters in the cineplex , though it was about 3 / 4 full . Pretty much everyone there was around my age , and you could tell by the pre - movie banter that we were all Godfather geeks . It is such a well - made film , on so many levels . The cinematography , the use of sound , the acting . Kind of a perfect storm of film making . For as many times as I have seen it over the years , it never fails to draw me in and evoke all sorts of emotions . It was a great experience to be able to see it once again on the big screen . Malida loved it . She had a lot of questions about the plot , but she said that she understood most of it . She is looking forward to seeing part 2 . After we gotCrossposts : http : / / zyzyly . livejournal . com / 361540 . html My only real accomplishment today was that I made lamb kabobs . I bought some lamb at Costco yesterday . I cut it up this morning , and had enough for the kabobs and another big hunk that I can grill later . I made a marinade with some mint and rosemary from our garden and let it sit for a while . I did some grocery shopping for later in the week . The store was really crowded . That 's why I like to shop during the week . I grilled the lamb and made some basmati rice with herbs and raisins . It all turned out well . The only downside was that Malida got called into work , and she wasn 't there to enjoy it ( at least until she got home ) . Tomorrow we are going to see a screening of The Godfather in a movie theater . I think it is the 45th anniversary of its release . It is probably my favorite film . I first read the book when I was about 14 . My mom had it , and I started reading it one day when I stayed home sick from school . I stayed home sick another two days so I could finish it . I was 15 when the film came out . My friend Jim and I snuck into the theater to see it , because we weren 't old enough to buy tickets . I can still remember walking out of the theater after seeing it and thinking it was the best thing I had ever seen . I have it ( and the sequels ) on DVD , but I want to see it on the big screen again . Malida has never seen it , so this will be her first time . So that 's our plan for tomorrow , after we have noodles . I went back in to the office today . We were supposed to get our keys , but they haven 't changed the locks yet . In any case , all the doors were open and I was able to unpack all my boxes and set up my desk . I like my little space . I have plenty of room for all my desktop stuff . There 's not enough drawer space , but we are supposed to be getting over - desk storage , so that should take care of that . We have a little break room in the back . There was a guy installing a sink in there , and there was a big box that said " refrigerator " . I put the coffee maker in there in anticipation of a pot of coffee the next time I am in . I was able to purge a bunch of files that predated me . Some real old stuff like overhead transparencies . There is a binder that has all the class rosters from 1983 on . I was able to find my class and saw my name from when I was a student there . That was pretty interesting . While going through files , I suffered a paper cut . I stopped at Costco and bought paper products and some lamb that I will cook on the grill tomorrow . As I was walking down the aisles , I saw a guy who looked kind of familiar . As he passed by , his name came to me and I said , " hey Rudy " . It was him . I hadn 't seen him since about 2005 . We were happy to see each other and catch up a bit . We will have coffee soon and catch up more . I like when that happens . I am listening to the new Roger Waters album that was just released today . Lots of good music released today . He is playing here next week , and I have a ticket to see him . I 've seen him before , both as part of Pink Floyd and as a solo act . He puts on a good show . I don 't really like going to arena shows anymore , but I will make exceptions occasionally . This is one of those occasions . The new desk . |
This week 's story is about a woman named Adrienne who has recurring nightmares about a demonic woman after the death of her friend Martin . The excerpt is a selection from her initial nightmare sequences . The other half of the story follows a woman named Stella , and her struggle to get to a town hundreds of miles away , to find a grave . What do Stella and Adrienne have in common ? Today I decided to cut off all my hair after what happened last night . I slept outside by the warm back vents of the Palace . I was near the dumpsters so there were rats running around most of the night . Usually I 've been lucky . They don 't fuck with me much . But last night it was like I was candy . I was so tired . I was walking since seven in the morning , I only got fifteen bucks from a few people all together . I got some food and it hit my stomach like bricks , but good bricks . It was drizzling a little bit and I didn 't find much cardboard in time before it started to soak me . I was lucky . Right around the time I got to the Palace the clouds had quieted down . They were like moving sludge yesterday , all twisted in themselves . Sometimes I worry I can control the weather . A couple of the fur and claw fuckers got into a fight over a wet burger in a dumpster some feet away . I hate that sound when they fight , that screeching , sounding like captured birds , and their nails like little metal balls down stone stairs . That sound always keeps me up at night . It 's like a timer , I have to be ready to fling one off me before I feel those cold stinking paws on my forehead , and I know that nose is angling toward my ear . Ugh ! Makes me jump thinking about it . When they were done fighting two of them ran up to me in the dark . The vents were making a nice gentle noise , the noise planes do on a calm flight . The alley was empty . I would have known they were so close to my body if it wasn 't for that sound but it was also kind of putting me to sleep . I felt the sharp pinch of one of those beasts ' teeth on my lower lip . And then the fat wet pressure of another one standing on my calf . I shook them off . More came , a few moments later but they were scared of me or something . Then they left . I fell asleep thinking about Martin . If he was there he would have gotten rid of those fucking rats in a split second . I woke up feeling this thing , almost like a sharp needle or something being pushed into my scalp . Two of them were biting around my head and had tangled themselves up in my hair ! Those tails were like cords flinging around when I grabbed them . I yanked them out of my hair as fast as I could but it was hard . They were wound up in there good , I wonder what the fuck they were looking for , what they thought I was . I got some change this afternoon and I called to see how Martin was doing out of force of habit . Habit is a ridiculous thing . I sat against the phone booth and cried . He 's been dead three weeks . It 's the second of July . That means I 've been walking for almost two weeks . Seems every building and lamppost is dripping a big old flag . I remember when I was little my dad would put up a nice one outside the house . Then there was a small parade down the main drag of town . To my little girl eyes all those stars were like glitter . Silk and cloth flags so clean . Me up on dad 's shoulders , looking down at the top of mom 's head and her crown of red , white and blue stars . Those memories are so clear , bright white . They smell of sulfur and bubblegum . Man if he could see my hair now . I tried to get it even . He loved my hair . He had a thing about combing it for me when I got out of the shower . Martin 's family , on the other hand , ha ! They probably would have wanted him to be on heroin or something more than being with me . He was so much better before me . That 's what they 'd say . They blamed me for his dropping out of med school . They wouldn 't tell me where he 's buried . I called my sister , who lives in the town over from them , and she found out for me . She had to do some good private - eyeing . All the memories of Martin are pacing my spine . I lost the tiny place I scrounged around to get for us , with his money , the little he had to get to me before his own debt choked him up . He couldn 't pay anymore since he 's dead , obviously . There was no one else for me , just Martin . Just and only Martin . My sister , my last familiar limb on this fucking planet doesn 't want to help me . She won 't , she 's jealous , I know that . Martin . I can 't sleep unless I can hear the sound of air . Those vents by the Palace last night were so nice . The last time I saw Martin he told me he was going to see me in a few days . I told him to go . He needed the break and I was feeling better then . Three hundred miles … His fucking parents won 't believe me when they see me . I 'm walking the whole way , it 's the only way I can get there . I know where he is now , and I will bring him flowers and I will sit with him . I 'll lie there with him by his stone . The shifting sun spread the hand - like shadows of trees across Adrienne 's bed . She didn 't want to move toward it because she felt like she was setting herself up to be hunted . There was little else , she knew , that was available for a place to rest . She had already tried the sofa , the floor , Celal 's apartment , her office , hotel rooms , her brother 's car , and all her other friends ' beds , floors and cars . In the empty room of a foreign house the woman found her , her body constructed only of veins , and her face had no features . Adrienne had dumbly pressed her male body into a corner and cried . The woman made her way across the bright white carpet to capture her . She left a disappearing path of crusted footprints behind her . And as the woman always did , with her arms outstretched , she gurgled , " come back ! " She dreamed of an expanse of white , rolling land . The grass and trees were white . There was a small lake off to her left , at the bottom of the incline of the land , where the water looked like milk . The sky was the pallid blue of winter but she sat warm in the light of the sun , in a male body . She looked at the width of her hands , the hair on her legs , the difference in the weight of that body that felt tight like she was wearing a rubber suit . This male body was the same every time . It was always confusing to her male self , why it never made sense that he was a man in the dream . The woman came from around a bend , down at the bottom of the hill . Her skin was pitch black and this time her eyes were two ovals of glass , that reflected the light of the sun into Adrienne 's peripheral vision . When Adrienne looked she began to stand up , her heart racing . The woman moved up the hill at twice the speed of her stride . She was wearing some kind of black clothing but Adrienne thought it could easily have been her skin trailing behind her in the breeze . The following day , Adrienne walked to Celal 's apartment a few blocks down her street . Everyone she passed looked well - rested and enjoyed the errands of the day . She watched couples holding hands as they walked into grocery stores , the mail man whistling to himself as he dug through his cart for the next building 's mail . People on their lunch breaks talked office gossip over forbidden mid - day martinis . His eyes always saw right through her pleasantries when she was upset . They 'd been friends since childhood ; neighbors in a town full of transient military and technology families . Celal worked as a spiritual healer and therapist . " Dreams especially have reasons . There is a very , very old theory , you know . Every person 's energy , living or long gone , is connected through knowing one another . It 's like , if someone were to be able to see us now , as forms of energy , there 'd be a little red thread connecting the two of us . Because , we are friends . " Adrienne scratched her head . " Martin 's dead . He didn 't pass anywhere . He 's underground . What 's that have to do with a demon - woman chasing me everywhere I go ? " " The dreams started after he died . Come , Adrienne . Don 't play stupid with the spirit world ; he must be trying to tell you something . " As he finished his wine Celal rose and crossed the room to sit with her . " You remind me of my sister . You think so hard about what something must feel like you don 't even know you have it in your hands . " " When you came by Monday you just wanted to sleep , you barely slept , and you left . You haven 't even told me what 's going on . Just that you have nightmares . You have to remind me . About Martin - I only met him once at your birthday party . Tell me about him . There has to be something about this that 's disturbing you so badly . " " He was a punky guy . You remember . And he was dating that girl Stella . The one that was older than him and would sneak him into bars . " " We were friends , you know , just bar friends . Me and Lydia and some of the other girls would give him shit because he was always the baby of the group . And they were nice at first but then the bullshit with the money started . " " I kept telling you . Didn 't I tell you ? " Celal said . " Just leave them be because they 're going to break your account . " Adrienne shrugged . " I couldn 't . You remember how I was when we moved to that neighborhood in Ohio . And your family had to go back to Ankara for a while . Remember my letters ? About the teenagers . I was what , thirteen then ? They traumatized me ! Those poor kids . Beating each other up . Drinking themselves into diseases and all this shit , things they could have avoided , and mom always said they didn 't want help . She tried to help one of them and he ended up robbing us . I don 't know . I just wanted to help . They all had the same miserable eyes . " " Martin wasn 't a kid off the street - he was a man , with his woman . They 'd made their choices . He was twenty when you met him wasn 't he ? " " Yeah . And I got pissed off at him because it wasn 't clear to me he was using the money the way he said he would . I found out he was drinking it or giving it to Stella for something because she was sick or some shit . But she looked like a junky to me , do you remember her ? Real skinny . " " She never made sense . Every time I 'd come to see them in that tiny little hole of theirs she 'd say how much she loved Martin , and that they were so close that if they ever spent time apart from one another she 'd die . Meanwhile , Martin kept driving down to his parent 's place in Fulton ! He 'd get his dad to come get him . He was working for his folks ' business in Fulton and then he got his car . He 'd already dropped out of med school because of her . " " I don 't know what he was doing . All I know is he was doing it and drinking . Because some friend of his yelled at me at a bar and told me that I was keeping the bottle in Martin 's hand with the money I was giving him . I didn 't know he was a drinker , that he was that bad at least . I confronted him about it . " He told me he thought I was his friend . Guilt tripped me for an hour on the phone . I told him if he came back immediately I would help him get straightened out , but he had to leave that bottle , he had to stop wasting his life on Stella too … Then he said he was going to drive back up the next day to talk to me in person … " Adrienne looked away from Celal 's face . " I know . I don 't blame myself for that . I just wish - I hate not having the right words for people . Do you know what I mean ? " Taking her legs off of Celal , Adrienne sat up straight and looked down at her hands . They were cold and dry despite the season . All those cold showers to stay awake were taking their toll on her skin . Are we born good ? Bad ? Inbetween and we just eventually go one way or another later in life ? Or are we always walking a fine line between the light and dark sides of ourselves ? Such are the themes this week . Get ready for plenty of blood . Video and text excerpts , for your voyeuristic , twisted pleasures : Thelma was a wonderful intimidator . She hadn 't worked in over a year because she managed to bully a few people in her building into giving her money . Eight - hundred dollars a month came from four apartments : 9F , where Lee the speed - metal heroin punk lived ; 10B , where a recluse named Therese lived ; and 6D , her favorite - Harry and Lorna 's apartment . It was directly above Thelma 's . Harry liked to beat Lorna . Lorna sat there and took it . Thelma saw Lorna one day in the hall and told her that if she didn 't leave him she would start to collect tax from them for making so much noise upstairs when they fought . Thelma could see something in her eyes that could go either way . That lady would either kill Harry or kill herself . She was stupid if she did the latter . So Thelma collected , and waited . The fourth apartment was next door to Thelma 's , 5E , where " Porno Diane " lived . She was a former porn star that ran the all - too common track of being popular , falling into drugs , losing her looks and ending up a forgotten " whore " . Diane was living proof to Thelma 's conscience that she had a tiny molecule of goodness - she wouldn 't put Diane out of her misery . And all she needed from Diane was two dollars a month , in exchange for being Diane 's " ear " . The woman had more problems than there were cracks in that building 's walls . Thelma went off to start her rent collection . She dragged her hands along the walls as she walked toward the flickering stairwell . Her palms were wet with the humidity beading on the walls by the time she reached the door . At 9F , the usual way - too - loud - for - human - ears metal blared from the apartment . The ninth floor was so shady that Thelma always brought her gun up there . The hall lights were always out , except for the two red exit signs at either end of the halls . In the red light , the graffiti on the walls looked like animals watching her in a dark jungle . Cockroaches were moving lumps under the old carpet on the floor . On the sixth floor Thelma ran into a gang initiation . Nine guys were on one guy on the floor , beating him with brass knuckles and other things . They looked like a pack of dogs descended on meat . When they saw Thelma coming they made room for her to pass . She stepped over the newbie and pounded on Harry and Lorna 's door . Lorna was mid - scream when she got there . Harry opened the door . He was a man about Thelma 's height who never wore shirts when he was in the building , like he had something to his 57 - year - old torso he needed to show off . 10C opened up . Mr . Cordo came out . He was a sweet old man who was about to retire from being a teacher . The nicer residents in the building called him " Grampa . " " No . She owed me money . " She looked up and down the hall , thinking . She knew who was home at that time and who wasn 't . Anyone else she could get money from wouldn 't be around for a few hours . " Lucky for her she left now . Did you hear ? The new landlords ? Damned mob bought the place , that 's what they 're saying now . A lot of people were going downstairs to pay their rent nice and early this morning . " Mr . Cordo shook his head in dismay as he turned and headed toward his small kitchen . " I remember when this was a lovely building . Oh , twenty years ago . Bright . The people were good people . Oh , well . I was just going to have a snack , some nice cool fruit . Would you like to join me ? " She ran down to her apartment , where she found Diane about to knock on her door with two dollars in hand . She was dressed in a pencil skirt and a mesh - sleeved blouse . Diane always looked older and older to Thelma . She was only thirty - one but looked like a woman who had survived all her children . Thelma resented the feeling of worry inside her . The mob was the only group she had to worry about , yet it was the only group she envied and wanted to be a part of . They were organized chaos . In a matter of a handful of years they had grown into a network with many arms , strangling the city from the inside out . But they were very much a boys - only club . " Oh that 's no good . I heard they beat some old lady up like an hour ago cuz she didn 't have her cash . The ambulance was just here , didn 't you hear ? " " Is that right ? " Paul said with wonder . James had never mentioned to him anything about picking up a building . " Yeah , sure . I 'll bring it over . Just meet me outside ? I can never seem to leave your place without getting into a fight . I got a meeting later . I have to look right . " He finished counting the cash in the black boxes in a hurry . Twenty - one thousand dollars sat in front of him in dirty hundred dollar bills . He had nine thousand dollars to go . Paul lived in the industrial district , also known just as " the industrial . " He lived in one of the four newly renovated living spaces in what used to be a sugar factory . They were stacked together in one part of the rusty waste of the building . Renovations had stopped a long time ago . The downstairs was left as a hollowed - out factory , with scrap metal and glass , dimmed with age , strewn all over the vast main floor . Paul had the stealthy walk that his profession commanded , and he always wore white . It brought out his evergreen eyes against his black hair . He never smoked aside from the nights he had to work . He was the only person he knew that had addictions that were genuinely healthy : he was addicted to loving Thelma and he had to have four glasses of apple juice a day or else he 'd get moody . The only thing Paul hated was his talent . He had just gotten off the phone with his mother before he sat down to count the money . She told him he was so handsome ; when was he going to get a proper girlfriend ? He imagined all mothers said that to their sons . He wondered if somewhere , some mothers hoped their sons would grow up to be the perfect hitman he was on the job . He 'd told Thelma he just ran cocaine and that 's how he made his money . And he did run cocaine from time to time . He couldn 't bear for her to know the truth - that he loved the precision and the seamlessness of killing people from distances . It was like he was God 's own eye when he caught the person in the crosshairs , and God 's own hand when he fired . He wanted Thelma to believe that goodness didn 't equal perfection and the strictness of the rules of society she perceived . Goodness could be something as simple as minding your own business , and going to sleep at night without a gun under your pillow , or having a sore hand from a fight . Paul hoped that if Thelma could believe in him as an example of how anyone could be " good " , despite their imperfections , they could start a life somewhere else . And besides - she couldn 't have been as bad as she thought she was . To Paul she was just an angry woman . Paul had his own problem , however . He was shaving money from the drug deals he made . His hitman pay wasn 't enough to leave the life behind . And it wasn 't like James , the mob boss , also his best friend since they were kids , was going to let him go . Paul needed to buy a new life from people that helped mob folks disappear when they didn 't feel like dying . They were expensive of course . Fifteen grand per person . And that was just for the basic " disappearance " stuff . Full - out relocation cost an extra ten grand . But Paul could handle relocation . He just needed to make it so that James could never find him again . It was a bet - his hope that Thelma would agree to go with him . He worried about how Thelma would react to his being a hitman . Nine thousand dollars more and Paul could cover her disappearance too . He was sure the guys would charge him for her just because she was mob by association with him . Thelma was at the bus stop on Almore Street . She slept the night before but again , her dreams were full of Edward . Her mind was full of questions too : why didn 't she just earn her money ? What lasting result came from slapping people around for it when she needed to ? She told her conscience to can it . She did what she did because that 's who she was . It was impossible for a person to train themselves out of being who they were . She stood outside the bus shelter and felt cool rain drops on her shoulders . She looked up and smiled at the grey clouds above , bloated with water and static . They came alive with lightning . |
It wasn 't that she hated girls , or that she liked boys better , she explained . Rather , her concern was a practical one , based on reality as she saw it . Experience told her that girls are destined to live a difficult life , much more difficult than males , and the last thing she wanted was to bring into this world a child condemned from the very beginning to a life of suffering . My mother gave birth to five girls . It was those daughters who fed her , bathed her , spoke soothingly to her , every day of the last four years of her life as she lay , helpless , in her bed . Two of those daughters were with her when she died on New Year 's Day , 1991 . My mother was right , of course . My five sisters are all strong , intelligent women and they have triumphed in life . They are not perfect and they are not famous , but each of them is a star . As they have gotten older , various health problems have slowed them down , yet they remain strong , proud and unbroken . I did what I often do when I 'm out riding through beautiful countryside on a beautiful day . I rolled down my windows , pulled back the moon roof and listened to the CD , " The Movies Go to the Opera " full blast . This is the record that first got me interested in opera . It features all the great favorites , among them Nessun Dorma ( Turandot ) , O Mio Babbino Caro ( Gianni Schicchi ) , Quando men vo ( La Boheme ) , Une Bel Di ( Madama Butterfly ) , and of course , The Ride of The Valkyries ( Die Walkürie ) . I tell you , there is no greater experience than the rush you get from listening to that music , as loud as you can stand it , as you maneuver around sharp curves and zip up and down those lush hills . Unfortunately , I was so much into the music that I missed a turn and ended up getting very lost as I got close to Fayetteville . It took me a while to get back on the right route , and by the time I got to Bentenville , where the museum is , I was exhausted . I ' M GLAD I decided to visit the museum , though . It 's a beautiful complex . Striking architecture in a beautiful green setting . Very peaceful . The art is good also , especially the works in its 20th Century galleries . I 'm not that fond of older art so I didn 't spend much time in the rest of the exhibit areas , but I loved walking through them , taking in the beautiful design . The museum is the brainchild of Alice Walton , one of the children of Sam Walton , the founder of Wal - Mart . She bought all the art and then decided to build a museum in her hometown to house all the works she had amassed . The money for the museum , of course , came from the immense Walton family fortune . Among the many participants were about a dozen horse riders , in cowboy attire , bringing up the rear . Most of them were African - American , but a couple of them were white , and there was one Latino . They seemed a bit out of place - a stark contrast to the souped up cars and motorcycles that preceded them - but they were having a great time , and the kids along the parade route loved them . They cowboy paid him no mind and kept on talking on the phone . How he could hear the conversation is beyond me as the street person kept screaming , " You lost your horse ! You lost your horse ! " That did it . That 's all the street person needed to leave him alone , turn around and head back the other way . And the cowboy returned to his phone conversation and continued on his way . " Se la robó , " we would say about our brother - in - law Pedro : he abducted her . That 's how the running away of a young couple was described , as if the woman had nothing to do with it , as if she was an innocent victim . Much later I was to find out that the phrase originated with the Moors during their conquest of Spain , but back then , no one felt any need to analyze the words ; we knew what they meant . Fina was the first one to leave our family , and it was as if she had flung open the floodgates : within a year , my oldest sister María Luisa would also elope and move away , and then my older brother Alejandro - Jando - would quit school and go off to the Air Force . ( Each one who left meant one fewer hand to help out in the fields . My sisters ' departure was especially painful , for they had practically been supporting the family for years with their work at the Del Monte cannery . ) That June , Buelita Manuela , my father 's mother , died . She had been sick for a long time , after having suffered a stroke that incapacitated her . Tía Benita , her only daughter , my mother and the other daughters - in - law took care of her during her long illness , as did my grandfather . We didn 't see much of Buelita after she became ill . The adults must have thought we would only get in the way . My grandparents lived in a small , two - room house behind Tío Adrián 's equally small house , which was next door to our house . Before my grandmother became sick , she would have us at her place often . Most of the time it was to feed us some of her warm , hot - off - the - comal corn tortillas that she rolled up in tight , moist burritos after having sprinkled salt on them . Often she would lure us with her tortillas and then ask us to kneel down to pray with her . We kids suspected that she was dying , even if no one bothered to clue us in as to what was going on , so we stayed out of everybody 's way . On the evening that she died , they sent all of the children to Tía Benita 's house while the adults gathered around her bed , or - in the case of the men - stood outside around a fire , smoking and talking in low voices . Although we knew Buelita was dying , most of us didn 't know how to behave , what we were supposed to do . We had not witnessed death before . So we did the only thing we knew how - we played games . BY THE TIME my grandmother had died and been buried , it was too late to go to North Dakota ; the sugar beet work had started weeks earlier and the farmers had all the crews they needed . There was no place for us to go . For a while we thought we would have to spend the summer in Texas but then we got word that Del Monte was looking for people to work at its tomato cannery in Ogden , Utah . Utah ? Hardly anybody had heard of that state . Where was it ? What was it like ? Nobody could tell us . One neighbor told my mother that the state had just been invented . We kept hearing horror stories about the scary mountains and their steep cliffs over which our car would have to travel in order to get to Utah . We had visions of our car going over a voladero and hurling us down a mountainside to our deaths . I worried that the car would be unable to manage the steep grades on the mountain roads and we 'd end up rolling uncontrollably down to the bottom . None of that happened , of course . The mountains were there but none was as formidable as we had imagined . Nevertheless we breathed a sigh of relief when , at the end of the third day , we crossed the Wasatch Range and entered the valley in which Ogden lay . We had made it . We were safe . Well , almost . About 30 miles from Ogden , a drunk driver crossed the median onto our lane and rammed our car head - on . We had conquered the mountains but we were stopped cold on a flat , straight highway a few miles from our destination . Nobody was hurt , but we must have been quite a sight . There had been nine of us stuffed into that old car - five adults , one teenager and three children - and every nook and cranny had been stuffed with people , clothes , blankets and pillow , pots and pans and other belongings that we would need that summer . Although the car was not badly damaged , its radiator had to be replaced and it needed other minor work . It would not be able to move for a few days , so while my father and one of my brothers stayed behind to supervise the repairs , the rest of us boarded a bus for the final miles , lugging our blankets , pillows and duffel bags stuffed full with clothing . That was the first time most of us had ever ridden on a bus . We were still in a state of shock over the wreck and we were nervous in anticipation of the arrival at our new home . The excitement and tension was too much for Carmen , my youngest sister who , at six , was a year older than I . Standing meekly between my mother and Luisa , my oldest sister , Carmen peed in her panties . None of us said anything as we watched the stream make its way towards the front of the bus , but we prayed that the bus driver wouldn 't notice it . The last thing we needed at that point was to be abandoned on the side of a strange road by an irate bus driver . That 's me on the far right . I don 't know who most of the other kids are , other than Armando Solis , the tallest one . The man was the Del Monte plant manager , I think . The building in the background was one of the barracks that housed the migrant families . " Que bueno que se les murió su abuelita , " they would taunt us when the adults were not around . They also ridiculed us for having arrived on a bus , for having been in a wreck , and for whatever else they could think of . Eventually they became our friends and playmates , but those first few days , they forced us to stay inside because we could not bear their teasing . MOST OF THE summer only the adults worked because the cannery would not employ teenagers or children , so Mariana , who was 14 , took care of me , Carmen and 8 - year - old Dora . It was an easy time for her because , in addition to the Herrera triplets , there were other children in the camp and we spent a lot of time playing with them outside . Unlike places where we 'd worked in other states , this was a clean , well - kept camp . The apartments were large ( ours had four rooms ) and well - constructed , not drafty and dusty like the ones we were used to . They even had indoor plumbing - a first for us - and a regular kitchen with a gas stove and a refrigerator . There was even a small park with swings and other playground equipment . By the end of the summer , though , the cannery was slowing down . Only my father and Jando were working there . After a while , my mother , Norberto and Mariana started joining others who would go out to pick cherries in the nearby orchards . For some reason , Luisa stayed behind to take care of us , allowing Mariana to go out . Each morning they got on the back of a truck owned by Ramón Montemayor - the crew leader , also from Crystal City - and rode to the orchards . The same truck would bring them back home in the evening . One morning Dora insisted on going with the others to pick cherries and my mother , tired of listening to her nagging , said yes . That evening , on their way home , the driver of the truck was going a bit too fast and failed to make a curve near a softball field where a game was going on and the truck flipped over a couple of times before landing on its back . Most of the 30 or so people aboard the truck were pinned under it as its wheels spun silently above ; a few were hurled into the ditch . The panicked softball players scurried to help pull people from the wreckage while they waited for the ambulances to arrive . Back at the camp , we could hear the wailings of the ambulances as they moved back and forth between the site of the wreckage and the hospital . We all stopped what we were doing and stood at the edge of camp looking in the direction from which the sirens could be heard . They seemed to go on forever . I think we all knew by then what had happened , but , at five years of age , I don 't think I had sense enough to realize what the implications were . I don 't remember anyone telling me that my mother and Mare ( pronounced MAH - reh ) and Beto had been injured and would not be coming home that night , but somebody must have . I don 't remember crying . I don 't remember complaining or even being scared , but I 'm sure I must have done and been all that , and more . I was very close to my mother and I had never really been separated from her for more than a day or two - I can 't imagine remaining calm when faced with the knowledge that she would not be coming home anytime soon . Maybe I 've chosen not to remember . Montemayor quickly reassured everyone that the truck was insured , that all the hospital and medical bills would be taken care . We needn 't worry . We didn 't , but months later , after we 'd return to Texas , we started getting bills from the hospital , and they continued to come for years . I think my mother made an effort to pay some of the debt but there was no way we could pay everything and the hospital eventually gave up trying to collect . Montemayor left the camp very soon after the accident and we never heard from his insurance company , if he had one . Dora was the only one to come home that evening . She was unhurt . Mariana came home a few days later , missing her two front teeth . Beto was next . His broken nose was badly disfigured and his head was wrapped in bandages from the eyes up . His forehead was to remain a terribly sensitive area until he died in a Texas car accident fifteen years later . My mother , however , remained in the hospital for weeks . The impact had literally lifted most of her forehead from her skull . Some forty years later , it was the V - shaped scar stretching from one end of her forehead to the other , her recuerdo from that horrible day in 1951 , that I stared at as the funeral director closed her casket . ON THE DAY she finally came home , Luisa and Mare had bathed Dora , Carmen and me and made us put on clean clothes and our best shoes . They wanted her to find us presentable . It had been a long time - they had not allowed us kids to visit her in the hospital - and we were dying to see her . But when she walked through the door into our house , my eyes locked on the white bandage wrapped tightly around the top of her head and I went into virtual shock . Although I had the decency to stay there long enough for her to hug me and my sisters as she sobbed , “¡ Mis hijos , mis hijos ! " Somehow I managed to wiggle out of her embrace and quickly left the room . I was scared of her . Of her bandages . Of this different woman . I was not sure she was the same mother who had left us that morning many weeks earlier . I did not want to be around her . I did not want to have to see her . Eventually the shock of her bandages wore off . Eventually I realized what a terrible transgression I had committed . And I often wondered what could have could have gone through her mind as she saw her own child rejecting her . If she was hurt , I never heard about it . She was not the type of person who would keep past transgressions handy to hurl back at her children when convenient . No doubt she forgave me , even without my having to ask for forgiveness . She was very good at that . It took me a long time to forgive myself for what I had done , however . And maybe I never did . Maybe that 's why I was staring at that scar on her lifeless forehead that final day . At first I was bewildered by the question . Why would anyone believe that I had any idea where this person was ? But then I remembered that in that post , I had written about my most memorable moment at Crystal City High School . If I had to pick a most memorable moment of my high school years , it would have to be that early Friday afternoon in November - during my sophomore year - when I was walking down the hallway that connected the auditorium and the main hallway . Our lunch hour had ended and we were all heading back to our classes . In the middle of that hallway I saw Kathy Briscoe heading in the opposite direction , with tears in her eyes . Why she thought I might know the whereabouts of Kathye Briscoe ( the correct spelling of her name , I was to find out from my sister 's high school yearbook ) was beyond me . I had known Kathye . She was a classmate and we had a number of classes together . I 'm sure that during her three years at CCHS we exchanged many words , but I doubt we ever had a serious conversation about anything . We definitely weren 't friends . In those days there was almost no socializing between the Anglo and Mexican kids , and even if there had been , I was definitely not the kind of guy with whom a girl such as her would want to spend too much time . Kathye was a popular , intelligent and attractive olive - skinned girl , always smiling . I don 't think I ever heard her say a cross word to anyone . Her family moved to town during our freshman year , when her father became manager of the local JC Penney store . They lived in a modest house on East Crockett Street , next door to the big house occupied by the local banker . Soon after arriving , Kathye and Tommy Brannan became an item . Tommy was the son of a local schoolteacher and he was a year ahead of us in school . He was a jock , a star in football and baseball , and maybe even basketball . He and his best friend , Bob Taylor , the son a local lawyer , were Big Men on Campus . Loud . Boisterous . Tommy and Kathye seemed like an odd , unlikely pair to me . She was refined , diplomatic and courteous . She didn 't seem to relish being the center of attention . He loved it . As unlikely as it seemed , however , the relationship thrived and I think everyone assumed the two would end up getting married . Then , at the end of our junior year , Kathye 's father was transferred to another store in another town and Tommy went off to try to be a college jock and that relationship ended . I never saw or heard of Kathye again . I was pretty sure it was Tommy Brannan . I remembered , from reading my hometown weekly newspaper in years past , that he had moved to Seguin , gone into business and started a family there , and I thought I remembered that his name was John Thomas Brannan . So that all made sense . " John , I really , really wish I could help you , but I have absolutely no idea where Kathy might be . I am sorry that you are ill and I truly wish I could help find Kathy for you . Unfortunately , my blog posts rarely have more than 100 readers , if that many . I know you call yourself John , but I think I may be right that you went by Tommy in high school . Is that correct ? You were a year ahead of me in high school . I doubt you 'd remember me ; there 's no reason for you to . But I remember you . I hope you do find Kathy . I can 't say she was my friend , but we were classmates and were in several classes together . I have nothing but fond memories of her . " WITH THAT , I thought I had gracefully excused myself from any more involvement in this intriguing and sad tale . I had asked myself what obligation I had to help this man from long ago , who had been briefly in my life but never a part of it . He was a stranger , really . I wanted my response to his comment to be my last involvement in this matter . I really did . But two things prevented me from doing so . The first was that this guy - John , Tommy - claimed to be dying and he needed help on something he felt was important to him . There may not be a warm place in my heart for some people , but that heart - this heart - is not a cold heart . Didn 't I have an obligation to try to help another human being in need if I could ? SO I BEGAN the search , using the two web instruments I am most familiar with , Google and Facebook . They turned up nothing . I had reached a dead - end almost before I started . There are lots of Kathy Briscoes on FB , but not the one I was looking for . But then I asked my niece to go to Carmen 's yearbook and take a picture of both Kathy 's and Tommy 's class photos . When I got them , I noticed that there was an " e " at the end of Kathy . It was Kathye , not Kathy . Back to Google I went . It took a while , but I learned that she probably lived in Raymondville , north of Harlingen , and that her last name is now Austin - and that her husband had died several years ago . I learned that one of her sons had married a girl from Montgomery not long ago . But I couldn 't locate a phone number for her ( even though a while ago I tried to replicate my search and came up with a phone number right away ; go figure ! ) . I returned to Facebook and learned that even though she is not a FB member , she has friends who are , and some of them mentioned her . There was one post of a group of friends driving from Raymondville to Houston to see the opera Carmen , praising Kathye for her driving skills . Others mentioned going to the movies with her in Harlingen , and there was a picture of a group of women at a dinner , posing for the camera . There , near the middle of the back row stood a woman who looked very much like Kathye . She was also mentioned by the Raymondville Methodist Church 's pastor . In one of his posts , he asked for prayers for Kathye and her family as they prepared to remove her husband from life support . I called the church but no one picked up the phone . I clicked on the church 's page and found more photos featuring her in the choir and other church activities . The photos left no doubt : this was the Kathye Briscoe I remembered . But I still didn 't have any contact information for her . Meanwhile , while waiting to figure out how to proceed on that end , I did a Google search on Tommy . I learned that in addition to owning a pharmacy , he was in real estate , selling and buying ranch and hunting properties , and that he was involved in local politics . There was a letter he had submitted to the local commissioners court asking to be appointed to fill a vacancy on the court , and there was a story about his running for county judge in the GOP primary , pledging to run the county like a business . I also found an obituary for his mother , who is buried in Crystal City . Tommy had included his phone number in the news story in which he announced his candidacy and I decided to try it . It was not an easy decision . For all I knew , Tommy was on his deathbed , barely able to move or talk , and the last thing he or his family needed was someone calling to tell give him information about an old girlfriend . I DIALED THE number but there was no answer . Instead there was a message , recorded by Tommy 's unmistakable voice , saying nobody was home but to please leave a message . I did , telling him that I was pretty sure I knew where Kathye was but that I had been unable to get her phone number . I left my phone number if he wanted to call me back . He did , identifying himself not as John but as Tommy , and sounding very much like the good old boy I remembered . And , to my relief , he sounded healthy . Or , if not healthy , certainly not like a man on his deathbed . We talked about high school and about people we knew . He admitted he didn 't remember me and I replied that there was no reason for him to : he was a jock and I wasn 't and we never had any classes together and we certainly didn 't socialize . He talked about his dreams about becoming a college and pro athlete , and about how those dreams were shattered when he discovered that at the college level , you have to be better than good to succeed . The conversation got around to Kathye and why he was looking for her . He explained that he 's been spending a lot of time trying to reach out to as many people who have been part of his life as he can , to let them know how much he appreciates their friendship . He 'd talked to a lot of people , " but Kathye kind of just disappeared . Nobody seems to know where she went . " He didn 't tell me how close he is to death and I didn 't ask . He thanked me for my efforts . I mumble some words about how sorry I was about his health , and before I hung up I gave him the Methodist Church 's number . NOW IT WAS back to finding Kathye . I went back to FB and sent text messages to each of the friends who had mentioned Kathye in one of their posts . I told them who I was and why I needed to speak with Kathye . I didn 't mention Tommy 's health because it somehow didn 't seem right , but I tried to make it seem as urgent as possible , while going out of my way to not sound like some sort of stalker . I didn 't ask for her phone number or e - mail address , but I listed mine and asked them to ask Kathye to call me . " I don 't know if she 'll remember me , but if she does , it 'll probably be as Johnny or John , which is what I was called back them , " I wrote . " Tell her I played oboe in band . " Kathye was also in band and she played the bass clarinet , which meant she sat close to me in the wind section . She was the drum major for the band , and in a yearbook photo my niece sent me of the band , she stands out in her white drum major outfit in a sea of dark - colored uniforms . After about an hour , I got a reply from one of her friends who said that , yes , indeed , I had the right Kathye . She always talked a lot about her years in Crystal City . Kathye would call me that evening , she promised . She wasn 't surprised when I told her why I was looking for her , about Tommy 's need to reach out to her . She said she would call him , and I gave her his phone number . I asked her if she would call me back after she did to tell me about the conversation and she promised she would . She hasn 't . It 's been only three days but I really doubt she 'll call , and I can 't say that I blame her . Whatever conversation she had with her ex - boyfriend , it can 't possibly be easy to talk about . I COULD CALL her back , or I could call Tommy , but I won 't . The thing is , I 'm no longer a reporter and I don 't have to . I 've done my job and this is where I have chosen to place my reporter instincts on hold . Scenes from a flight : Cheese Nips , peanuts and clouds - and that woman in the bathroom . Posted on July 26 , 2016 by juanzqui7 LADIES AND GENTELMEN , the captain said , if you 'll look out your window , you 'll see that there 's a thousand miles of thunderstorms over New Mexico and Arizona . This was not long after we had left the Las Vegas airport , which has to rank among the ugliest , most depressing in the country I was forced to take the captain 's word for it because the weary passengers near me had all opted to keep shut the shades on their windows , blocking any chance of seeing those thousand miles of storms . That is , until the woman occupying the window seat on my row , the one wearing a black baseball cap with rhinestones and imitation pearls covering its beak , became curious and lifted her shade . By then , however , the thousand miles had become three hundred , or maybe less , and the few clouds with a fondness for flair or fanfare were faded mutations of the ones my mind had imagined when The Voice first came over the PA system . I DO NOT want the last taste of solid food that will be with me for the rest of this flight to be that of the solitary peanut that had stowed away in the otherwise empty and crinkled package of Southwest lightly - salted peanuts , not after I have treated myself to the crunchy contents of the orange and purple bag of Nabisco 100 - calorie Cheese Nips . But the Nips are gone and the Palomo Rule of Survival dictates that no piece of food , not even a measly salted peanut , will go unconsumed . And who am I to disobey the rule ? THE WOMAN ACROSS the aisle from me , the one seated next to the two old lesbians , is cold . A light hoodie that belongs over her head and shoulders is instead draped over her pale skinny knees . Instead , what covers her long red hair and her emaciated face is a scarf in pageant pink and SeaWorld cerulean . If it weren 't for the colorless skin of the small part of her leg that is not covered by the hoodie , it would not be difficult to suspect that a Middle Eastern woman , a devout Muslim , is sitting there under that tent , looking out at the enclosed environment through the gauzy fabric of the scarf , perhaps plotting against the rest of us . I HAVE CHOSEN an aisle seat fairly close to the front of the Boeing 737 - 800 . On longer flights I do not like to be forced to climb over other passengers when I leave my seat go to the bathroom . Because of the thunderstorms , the captain has kept the fasten - your - seatbelts sign on longer than normal , and when the light finally goes off , I make a quick dash toward the front bathroom . I have not seen anybody going in there , so I assume that it is empty , an assumption that is proven correct when I see the green " vacant " sign on the door . Or so I think . When I open the door , I see an old woman bent over the toilet , as if reaching back to press the flush button . She is fully clothed , thank God , but as she turns around to look at me , there is no panic , no look of shock on her face . It 's as if having a stranger walk in on her as she performs her most private of functions is an everyday occurrence . I don 't even bother to say oops , or I 'm sorry . I just close the door and turn to walk back to my seat . " Was someone in there ? " the flight attendant asks . I nod . " Some people , " she says , shaking her head and chuckling . ABOUT THOSE CHEESE Nips . I want more , particularly after my two bourbons - on - the - rocks arrive . With every sip I take , my mouth hungers for those cheesy delights . Sip … Nip , my brain keeps telling me . Sip … Nip . When the flight attendant comes by to collect the trash , I am hoping , praying that she 'll repeat the words I have heard her utter to other passengers : Anything else I can get you ? My nightmares Posted on July 25 , 2016 by juanzqui7 LISTENING TO young Karla Ortíz addressing the DNC , talking about her fears that any day her immigrant parents might be deported , brought back some painful memories from my childhood . I had those fears . Not every day , but there were enough of those days to leave a mark . Both of my parents came to this country without papers . They were wetbacks . Mojados . When we were in our South Texas community , one family among hundreds who had family members like my parents , undocumented . But every summer , when we went up north to work in the field of North Dakota , Wisconsin or Minnesota , inevitably there would come the day when we 'd look up from the rows of sugar beets - or onions or cucumbers - and we 'd see the green government vehicles , and we 'd see the men in green uniforms exit and make their way from family to family , checking on their immigration status . But I didn 't know that . Ten - year - olds don 't know the intricacies of immigration law . All I knew then was that these men in green , with guns on their hips , had the power to take my parents away from me and my siblings and transport them back to Mexico , leaving us to fend for ourselves . THAT ' S WHAT I knew . That 's what I feared . That was my nightmare all those many years ago . That children today , 60 years later , are still facing the same fears , is our national nightmare . Our national shame . |
My sister , Nadifa , collected beautiful scarves . She had Mogadishu scarves . Tawila scarves . Badham scarves . Daagari scarves . Docol scarves . And many others . When she saw a new type of scarf in the market , she told Mother , " I must get that scarf . " But her love for scarves brought her into trouble . This was how it happened . At the beginning , we were living in Tawila . It was a village , but it was home , where we were meant to be . It was surrounded by Janjaweed rebels and soldiers and sorghum farms , with a single road winding through it . This was in 1991 , in the early days of the war in Somalia . Nadifa was sixteen , I was eight . I barely remember that life . That is , I recall a little part of it , but not much , so I cannot make proper links . One of the things I recall was that Nadifa and I slept on the same bed that smelled of urine , no matter how often it was put out in the sun to dry . It was in January when we escaped from Tawila . Nadifa lost her precious scarf , the one Father bought her from Mogadishu . " Only Allah knows where it is now , " my mother said , and she was right . It must have been lost when Janjaweeds surrounded us amidst the pounding of hooves and the sounds of gunfire . At first , Nadifa was quite upset about the loss of the scarf , and Gitahi would have to talk to her , explaining the nature of war and the chain of confusion in which people and scarves found themselves . " Why my scarf ? " Nadifa argued . " But why my scarf ? " Gitahi told her , " You must be happy you 're alive . Other people died . " Gitahi always spoke about the Janjaweed , djinns riding on horses , but Mother didn 't like it , saying we had seen enough sorrow . At Tawila , Father didn 't like to talk to us about the Janjaweed . He was a farmer . His farm was just outside the village . Mother helped him plant sorghum and other crops before the rebels began to trample on them with their horses . There was a big farm twenty miles from the village , a new thing then , but many people disliked it , fearing it would attract the Janjaweeds . My father was among them , having seen the activities of the rebels at close quarters . He told my mother his fear , but she told him not to panic . Next came a situation that everyone thought of with dread . I do know many people thought it could happen . I do know they spoke about it , though I didn 't remember how . My father wept the night they came . They shouted and the hooves of their horses pounded the only street in Tawila . They came with horses that emitted fire from their eyes . Balls of fire flew out of guns , and everywhere they faced caught fire . Our house , our farm , our goats , our sheep , our camel , and our donkey caught fire . What happened after this ? My father stood in front of the house , confused . He had given up weeping . As he grabbed a Janjaweed , another smashed a rifle on his head . Father soon became the color of fire . Mother grabbed Nadifa and I , and we began to run out the village . We followed others , screaming and running . Mother took us to live in Dadaab Refugee camp , where we met Gitahi . Mother wept for Father in the night . But she also said she had to run to protect us . Maybe we would have become the color of fire if we waited to save Father . She left Tawila without her cooking pots and her clothes and her sandals and her precious suitcase and her Koran . We got to Dadaab after many days . We trekked through the desert to the border of Somalia and Kenya , passing a landscape of rolling sand and stones , with tough desert grass on the soil all the way to the camp . " Dadaab , " said Gitahi , when we got there . The camp contained hundreds of tents made with rags tied together , old plastic bags , or tarpaulin . At the entrance , a balding dark - complexioned man sat before a stove , cooking food . A few feet away , a lady with a T - shirt that said RENO was bathing her daughter with pond water , shouting at her to keep quiet . Now was the time for someone to say " Welcome " or " How are you ? " but no one said so . No one said " Hello . " I had never met people like that before . Back home at Tawila , everyone knew everyone , and people said " Good morning , " " How are you doing ? " and " Good evening " to one another . No one helped us set up our tent . It took me a month before I knew a sand pit was behind it . What did Gitahi think of all this ? His belief , as he said a week after we arrived , was that people should make the best of any situation . Things happened for a reason , and we must give thanks to Allah . True , it wasn 't our fault we escaped to Dadaab , but we should accept what we couldn 't change . I hated people who talked like this , but I didn 't know why and couldn 't say I had the right to be . Tall and big , Gitahi was one of the guards who rode on camelback around the camp . Sometimes they met bad people , sometimes they didn 't . When they did , they needed strong men to confront them , and Gitahi fitted the bill . He was not really a refugee . He came to Dadaab , according to him , by mistake . He had been thinking of giving up the job , until he met my mother coming to the camp . She was beautiful and young . She wore a long skirt and her hair fell to her shoulders . He liked what he saw and decided to wait till next year before he left . This was as far as he wanted to think . Nadifa scorned the scarves worn by other girls in Dadaab , but she still played with them . This was necessary because there was no water . The wells had dried up . She had to join other girls her age to wait for the tankers to bring water . They would watch the road for dust rising in the air , a sign the tanker was coming , and they would form a line . It would soon scatter due to the rush of the girls , and they would start fighting . People were always fighting here . Nadifa needed an ally to pull through the fracas . If she had any problem with her friends , she never told me or Mother . I didn 't like the camp . Too many people made too many troubles , and the tents stretched everywhere . Nothing scared me back at Tawila , and I always knew what others were thinking . You could guess what people would say , and who was coming to the house . Now I was in the midst of strangers . I never knew what others were thinking or planning , who was a friend or an enemy , what should be said or not said , the meaning behind what someone said . In Tawila , there was always plenty of laughter . There was at Dadaab , but not as much . But children get used to changes . Sometimes I wondered about our burnt house in Tawila . I missed it , and wanted to go home . I wondered what happened to it . Those days must have seemed strange to me . Then something happened , but I didn 't try to make sense of it at the time . Nadifa announced that she and a few friends wanted to go outside the camp to search for firewood . This was after firewood ran out in the camp ; everything ran out there . " It 's not far , " Nadifa said . " Maybe I should go . " My mother said no , but Gitahi said ( quietly , like he didn 't want to intrude ) , " Let her go . Rebels are far away . " My mother stared at him . " A girl should not go out the camp , " she said . But Nadifa insisted she would be fine , that nothing dangerous would happen , that she was going with people . " Please , let me go , " she said . " We should be ashamed of borrowing firewood from others . " When no one answered , she went to the front of our tent and looked out . " Tell me why I shouldn 't go , " she said . She looked like she might cry . Gitahi told Nadifa to sit down . She did , folding her arms across her chest . I put my hand on her thigh to comfort her , but now I was wondering . When did she meet her friends ? Did I fall asleep and not know it ? Gitahi told her he would convince Mother to allow her to look for firewood . The next day she went to search for firewood . She wore a ragged blouse , a dirty wrapper , and slippers . But when she came back , she said they were not so lucky . The wood around the camp was almost all gone . They couldn 't go further because some men on camels were seen in the area . They seemed to be bad men . Someone said they caught women , took them to the bush , and did bad things to them . We heard this everyday . " Is it because you 're restless ? " Mother asked . " You miss Tawila ? " But Nadifa said she was not restless . I didn 't ask her anything . What she had done seemed normal to me . All girls her age did the same thing . That 's probably how it is with younger children - what the older child does seems normal . Our food was brought by trucks that parked at the center of the camp in the afternoon . Mother and Nadifa would dash toward them to see what they could get . They did this while I stayed at the tent , running after the little dog of our neighbor . Sometimes it was Mother and I that sprinted to the trucks . On the way , we saw children fighting outside their tents . They hadn 't eaten anything all day , staying in their tents and lying on their mat . Hunger drove them wild . One day , when Mother and I were rushing to the truck for food , some kids were chasing each other with sticks , while others threw sand and ran around the place . One , two kids walking beside a hungry dog stopped not far from us , and just as I was about to wave , they shouted , " Mogadishu people eat donkey ! " I yelled back , " We 're Tawila people . We don 't eat donkey . " Looking away from them , I continued to run alongside my mother . When we got to the truck , many people waved cards with a barcode , which means no one gets more than their fair share . Even so , a big fight broke out among the men , and the women , despite their burkas , joined in too . Mother and I stood at the end of the line , watching the people fighting . " Why are they fighting ? " I asked her . " Don 't talk , " she said , even though I was not speaking loud . My mother said the fight broke out because the food couldn 't go around . People had to fight and push and shout and rush to get a share . Minutes passed , and I waited for someone to call out , " Come and take your wheat , Come and take your wheat . " But no one said so to us , even as the afternoon faded and the camp darkened . Mother said we would be quicker the next time so that we could stay in front of the line when the truck came . My mother 's good times with Gitahi went on in the evenings . If I wanted to stay in the tent , she would stand up and come toward me , not in haste . She would tell me to go and get firewood from neighbors . When I came back , she would be smiling happily at me . I would then smell a scent that I associated with sorghum and love . The second time Nadifa wanted to go and look for firewood , I found her at the back of the tent , wearing a mustard - colored blouse . She moved her shoulders forward , then back , shifting her waist to the right , to the left . " What do you think ? " she asked me . " Do I look beautiful ? " " You look like a Tawila bitch , " I told her . She chased me , but I was outside the tent before she could catch me . Before dark , I watched Nadifa come to the tent with some firewood . She looked tired , getting the firewood was tough for her . Everything was tough in Dadaab . I was standing some meters from the tent . She passed me and walked away , not saying anything , not even to ask me how I was , or what happened after she left . " Is Mother in the tent ? " was all she asked . Dropping the firewood to the ground , she walked to the tent . She stayed ahead of me , her strides so long that I couldn 't keep up . When I almost did , I caught a glimpse of the look on her face . " Why is your face so hard , Nadifa ? " I wanted to ask her . " Did they cheat you ? " But I couldn 't ask the question . At the beginning , we didn 't talk about Father at all . Then after a few months , Hassan , who lived on our street in Tawila , came to the camp . He said after the Janjaweed attack Father survived . I said it was a lie because I saw fire burning Father , and that meant he died . Nadifa said I was right , but she sounded doubtful . Hassan said the Janjaweed captured Father and that he was now working in a farm in Mogadishu as a slave . Nadifa burst into tears . Then another thing happened : one afternoon , Nadifa said her friends had discovered a bush to get firewood outside the camp . She could get double , maybe triple , the amount she got , and maybe make some money , but my mother said no . " I don 't want bad people to catch you , " she said , doom and threat in her voice . " I 'll be with her , " I said . I told her I also heard the story from my friends . " Plenty , plenty , firewood , " I said . It was as though we rehearsed the story ; and as I lied , I was picturing Nadifa looking for firewood outside the camp , her hair blown by the desert wind , singing any song her friends sang , while I had the freedom to play with my friends in the pit . Gitahi nodded to Mother , and she said yes , Nadifa could go , but she should be careful . " Thank you , " Nadifa said , but she was really thanking me . She squeezed my hand to tell me " Good sister . " When we got outside , Nadifa asked me where I wanted to go and I pointed in the direction of the pit behind our tent . The pit was maybe ten to twenty feet in the sand . It was about a hundred , maybe a hundred and fifty meters , from our tent . My friends and I played in it , throwing sand at each other . Nadifa held me by the shoulder and told me to be careful , that I shouldn 't allow sand to get into my eyes , that she didn 't want a blind sister . She left me , walked toward a row of tents on the way to the reception of the camp , and disappeared . After she left , I saw Ayan , the daughter of our neighbor , crawling out of her tent . She tried to stand up , but she fell down , again and again . She lay down , her face to the sand . I looked at her gnarled bare feet , like the feet of an old woman , and turned away . Mother said her mother could no longer breastfeed her , so she gave her water . She now had an illness , but I couldn 't remember its name because I couldn 't pronounce it . I started walking toward the pit , counting off the tents . I walked past a rag somebody had thrown to the sand and stopped . I picked up the rag , thinking it might be useful . But I saw it couldn 't be , so I threw it away . I ran in a zigzag line from tent to tent , breathing hard as I sprinted , and no one spoke or shouted at me . I heard music from a radio in one of the tents , but didn 't stop to listen to it . I had been to the pit many times before , so I knew my way . I felt so free that I shouted , " Come and take wheat " at one old woman standing in front of her tent . I stopped at the edge of the pit . It stretched on for some distance , and I could see my friends throwing sand at each other and shouting at the top of their voices . I raced towards them . I don 't know how much time we spent just throwing sand , fighting with sticks , and shouting in the pit . I do know Mother wasn 't aware I was there . After a while , I realized my friends said we should go to our tents . That Djinns could be near the pit , waiting to catch us . Djinns ? Djinns ? But Djinns were in Tawila , not Dadaab . I believe I put up some argument , along the lines of " They 're not here , they couldn 't be here , they mustn 't be here . " I also remembered that Gitahi said men holding guns patrolled the perimeter fence of the camp , ready to kill people , including Djinns . I got to the tent to shouting and panic , to Gitahi 's face in mine . My mother stood behind him , a wild look in her eyes . " Where 's Nadifa ? " Gitahi asked me . " Why is she not with you ? " He was shaking me , harder and harder . " Where 's your elder sister ? " But I couldn 't tell him anything . All I knew was that Nadifa went to gather firewood , nothing more . I couldn 't say anything more even if he shook me till the following morning . The answers come the next day . Some men and women were gathered in front of our tent . They said Nadifa and her friends went outside the camp to gather firewood . On coming back , men on horses attacked them . Many of the girls were raped . Nadifa was kidnapped by one of the men . I listened to this , hiding by the side of the tent so that Mother wouldn 't see me and drive me away . My mother put her hands to her head and cried . Gitahi didn 't look at her ; his face was turned to the sand , his sandals digging holes in it . Nadifa is gone , and the next thing is trouble . My mother started yelling at Gitahi , trying to make him understand something . He is holding her by the arm , consoling her with a soothing voice . But this is not satisfying Mother at all , and she tears her arm from him and runs toward the camp 's reception area . Gitahi shakes his head and looks down at his sandals . Now the tent is too small . No matter the time , I can hear mother and Gitahi quarrelling , saying things I didn 't know - that Mother was over one month pregnant ; that Gitahi wishes he had gone back to Nairobi , free from our trouble ; that Gitahi was the one who encouraged Nadifa to search for firewood outside the camp ; and that Mother regretted taking other things from Gitahi . I didn 't know the other things she took from him . I do know he stood still while they quarreled , tucking his hands into his pockets as though he could leave for Nairobi at any moment . Mother didn 't go out of the camp to look for Nadifa . Gitahi didn 't go to Nairobi . Days felt sadder than they ever were ; and after the evening meal , when everyone was weary from the troubles in the camp , we gathered outside the tent , men listening to the radio and laughing at the news coming in from Mogadishu . We couldn 't be truly happy , but we somehow endured , as though we weren 't living through great problems . The days rolled by , no one fought or cried over Nadifa , and I didn 't understand why . I started going to school at this time . It was located at a part of the camp called Hagadera . One little boy in class wore a football shirt as dress , with the word MARADONA across his tiny back . I wondered who Maradona was . A little girl with tawny highlights sat close to me in class , hands on jutting hips , giving me a toothy smile . I wondered what she smiled about . My mother recovered from Nadifa 's kidnap . She had to . She had to look after me and herself . After school , walking home , I daydreamed of Nadifa . She stands in the camp of the kidnappers , her eyes red from weeping , her lips pressed together as though she were angry . She is thinking about me , angry I don 't cry or ask for her . I try to tell her , " I 'm crying everyday , I 'm crying everyday . " It appeared she didn 't believe me . Gitahi believed he could find her , so he was always on the lookout when he patrolled around the camp . He said he held himself responsible . He also said he shouldn 't have encouraged her to look for firewood , even though we needed it . One day after fetching water from the well , it had water now , I entered the tent and put the plastic bucket to the floor . Gitahi called me . " Nadifa is back , " he told me . Beside him , I saw Nadifa sitting on her old mat . She was crying and wiping the corners of her eyes with her shawl . " Easy , " my mother told her over and over . " It 's Allah 's will . " I dashed to Nadifa , wrapping my arms around her neck and hugging her . She continued to cry , rubbing her hands over my head . Then I noticed two things : her belly was far bigger than it was when I last saw her , and she had a finely embroidered scarf in her hand . It looked expensive and not from the camp . Nadifa , through tears , told us how kidnappers took her to a faraway farm . She was Mugo 's wife at night and his laborer during daytime . After he got her pregnant and she fell ill , he said he didn 't want to be a father or a husband , as though a captive woman could be a wife . He put Nadifa on his horse and rode to the spot where he kidnapped her , telling her to find her way . I do not remember Nadifa 's explanation about how she came to be in possession of the scarf . I do know that she told us . Mother once told me Nadifa stole it from Mugo to spite him . But I no longer think that was true . I don 't think Nadifa could steal because I know once she saw Gitahi 's money on the floor and returned it . Did I think Mugo could have given her the scarf as a present to pacify her ? No kidnapper could do that , but then I don 't know much about kidnappers . My mother said her own baby would be a boy , but Gitahi said it would be a girl , that his family prided girls more than boys . " Why ? " Mother asked . " They 're mothers of the tribe , " he told her , and even Nadifa was forced to smile , clutching her stomach . " What are boys then ? " I asked Gitahi . " Troublemakers , " he replied . All of us laughed . But I quickly stopped , thinking of my sister . I wanted her baby to be a boy so she could beat the boys who harassed me at school . And I wondered what would happen when the child was born . Do I carry it when it 's lying alone on the mat ? What name do I call it ? Do I call it just Nadifa 's baby ? I didn 't know how I 'm to relate to it . So I asked Nadifa , but she didn 't reply , having withdrawn from everybody since she returned to the camp . I asked the same questions about mother 's baby . Both babies were like coming to Dadaab . Their coming just happened , no plan had been made for them . As the days rolled by , a sandstorm swept through the camp and whirlwinds whipped up the sand in the pit . Brown clouds hung over the tents , blocking the sun . Nadifa asked , with not much hope , if she could fetch water from the well . Our mother said no . " The wind will blow you to the sand pit , " she said . " You 'll be buried alive . " Gitahi , who came early to the tent , said Nadifa should obey Mother . He was lying on the mattress , listening to the music from the radio . Still , Nadifa and I went outside , standing by the entrance to the tent . Nadifa held her embroidered scarf with one hand and clutched her stomach with the other . I held a broom in my hand . Now was the first time we could talk since she returned from the den of kidnappers , and I had many questions for her . " Where did the kidnappers keep her ? How did they look like ? Were they as tall and big as Gitahi ? What did they plant in their farm ? " " When Mother discovered you were gone , she stopped speaking about you , " I told her with agony . " For days . Even when I asked . " I stared at the sand , digging my big toe into it . " We didn 't know where to look for you . I dreamt they took you to Tawila . " Ahead of us , a whirlwind was building up , whipping sand into the air , and I dug my toe deeper and deeper in the sand . " No one could tell me anything . Both at home and in school . " I was letting out my anger , and kept talking , telling her about the boy with the MARADONA jersey , about the little girl always smiling at me , and said once again , " No one could tell me anything . " And then something went wrong . All I recall was telling Nadifa we should go back into the tent because the whirlwind was building up at an alarming rate . That we could be in trouble . That the wind may blow sand into our eyes and we 'll become blind . She may have agreed with me , or she may have stood there watching the wind until it blew the embroidered scarf out of her hand . In my mind , I can see the whirlwind taking the precious scarf toward the sand pit . Not wanting to part with the scarf , Nadifa snatched her hand from mine , staring at the scarf as it went flying away . She wore a funny look , then I heard her say , " Not again ! " She took a run at the scarf , sprinting like a dog , beating sand from her face . I recall a little bit more about what happened . I 'm shouting as I run after her , " Come back ! Come back ! " I can see the whirlwind taking the scarf directly toward the sand pit and Nadifa closing in on it . I cannot recall whether we got to the sand pit , but I recall crashing into something hard , a tent , a small tree . Next thing I recall is seeing Mother crying , throwing herself to the ground . Gitahi is bending down to grab her hand , trying to console her . But my mother is rolling on the sand , scattering the mats , pots , and other things in the tent . After this , I cannot recall what happened again that day . Mother never found Nadifa 's body . Gitahi said it was probably buried deep in the sand pit . Or it was blown out of the camp by the whirlwind , as it did to many tents . But Mother was somehow pacified when she gave birth to my half brother , Jomo , many months later . I don 't know how she gave birth to the baby . But I do recall I saw her one day look between her legs at the spots of blood on her wrapper . She put her hand there , and then I heard her say , " Baby is coming . " She stood up , moved toward the front of the tent , missed her step , and fell to the ground , shouting . Gitahi and a few other people rushed into the tent . I was told to go out and play . One day , when Mother was less busy with Jomo , I recall asking her about Nadifa . I couldn 't figure out why she ran toward the sand pit when she knew the whirlwind could bury her in it . " Why ? " I asked Mother . When I asked Gitahi the question , he didn 't bark at me as he sometimes did now . " Maybe she didn 't want to give birth to her child , " he said . " Maybe she wanted to die with it . Maybe she was tired of living here . " He put his hand on my shoulder , wearing a faraway look . " Don 't feel guilty about it . You were not strong enough to stop her . This place did things to her . It was never her home . And never love anything too much . Scarves . Shoes . Anything . Pray . And things will turn around . " I couldn 't understand what he meant , but I nodded my head as though I could , staring out the tent . Night was starting and the air was hot . The other tents blinked with yellow light . Soon Mother would put fire in the wick of the lamp , and our tent would look like others too . I 'm still at Dadaab , but I 'm now an unemployed high school graduate . They won 't employ those of us from Somalia . Mother is now an old woman . Gitahi has gone to Nairobi . We never heard from Father . Lately , I can 't stop thinking about my sister . I shake my head as I usually do when I remember her . In my dream , she keeps running after the whirlwind , stretching out her hands to the scarf as though it were an egg . I see her in my mind , running after the scarf , running after the whirlwind , straight into the sand pit . I want to tell her , " Nadifa , where are you ? Nadifa , where are you ? Nadifa , where are you ? " |
love is the cause of most of life 's irrational decisions . to be led by love is almost foolish . so then that assumption could be made that foolishly , yet honestly , for i feel nothing else - - > i love you . Antonya heard the carriage door close and felt that she was not alone . Alarmed , she sat up slowly and looked around . They had stopped for the night , and no one had woken her . Rubbing the sleep from her eyes , she noticed someone sitting in the corner . She searched silently for some way to lighten the compartment without wakening the unknown person in the corner . She slowly pulled at the curtains hoping the light from the torches outside would be enough . Just as the light began to enter , the person growled . ' Antonya , close the curtains . They cannot see you in here . ' Recognising the voice instantly , she sighed and slowly re - closed the curtain . ' Uncle , why are you in here ? Why are we not inside ? You should have woken me up ' she whispered . ' It is not safe inside the tavern where they are staying Antonya . I have been in and walked the rooms , Cristian stays with Alexandre on the third floor , I stay next to the Tsar and his wife on the second level , and you are all alone on the first level . Not even Sara stays with you . There are numerous drunken men roaming the halls of the first and second floors . I told them you felt unwell , and that you and I would wait here until the passing of illness , when I would call for Cristian 's assistance and we would escort you to your room safely . ' Antonya was unsure of what to think . Surely for their plan to work , she had to be officially wed to Alexandre before they could take over the throne of Serbia . She rubbed her head , and pulled the blankets closer around her . ' So I am to stay here the night uncle , is that what you think is the best thing to do ? ' she yawned . ' Yes Antonya . I will stay with you and keep you warm . ' Almost as soon as she laid her head back down Marco heard the soft sounds of his niece asleep . He sighed , drawing the curtains fully closed . Just as his eyes began to close , a soft tapping was to be heard on the door of the carriage . Cautiously , Marco peered through the curtains to see who was there . Cristian held Sara in his arms , her night gown torn and dirty . Instantly Marco shook Antonya to wake up , and opened the carriage door . Carefully lifting Sara inside , Cristian whispered a quick set of tasks to Marco and ran to fetch some water , food and bandages for Sara , and a guard to keep watch on the carriage . Antonya wrapped her blankets around Sara and held her tight , singing to her while wiping the tears from her cheeks . Sara sobbed silently , frozen in pain and shock . Cristian returned within a few minutes , with a guard in tow . As he entered the carriage , he handed the guard a large bag of coins and ordered him to stay at the door to the carriage , allowing no one entry . He pulled out the items he had found after securing the carriage door , and lit a torch . Carefully , he dabbed at her cuts and bruises , cleaning them , and applying a soothing lotion to them . He bound up her left thigh and her left arm in an attempt to stop the bleeding . Antonya watched him , and noticed that his arm also had a large gash in it . Laying Sara 's head down gently on one of her pillows , she reached out for Cristian 's arm and had it cleaned and bound in no time . He sat up on the opposite couch , and Antonya threw him one of the spare blankets . He began to speak , but she stopped him . ' Not now cousin , rest up . We have all day tomorrow to talk . ' She left Sara to the care of Marco , and sat next to her cousin , who fell asleep on her shoulder . When they awoke , the convoy had already begun the days travels , and the sun was almost at noon . Sara changed into a new set of clothes , but Antonya refused to let her resume her duties . Sara looked to Marco , but he too nodded in agreement . ' Sara , it is not right to talk in here yet about what happened , but you are not safe here , it seems to me , and we will not allow you to resume your normal ways until we see it is fit . I can have a short - temper with my staff occasionally , but that does not mean I am not merciful and compassionate . Stay with us . ' Lunch was distributed not long later , and the smell of food was what woke Cristian . As he began to rise , he winced in pain . Antonya and Marco gently sat him up . Tears began to fall from his eyes as he looked at Sara . Marco nodded to Antonya , and they swapped places . They began talking in Serbian in hushed voices , and Antonya tended to Sara . ' It 's funny ' Sara said softly , ' I would never ever have imagined that someone would have to tend to me . I am sorry Your Highness , please forgive me . ' Antonya stroked her forehead gently as she dipped a piece of bread into the soup to feed to Sara . ' Sara , you are a friend to me , not a maid . All these things I gladly do to a friend . You saved my life once , now I shall repay the favour . ' She smiled warmly at Sara and resumed to feed her . The girls ' warm spirits brightened Cristian 's sour mood , but the events of the night before still frightened him . ' At least Marco knows what to look for now , ' he thought to himself , as he reached for an apple . He opened the curtains as far as they would go , and sighed . Cristian looked at Antonya , and then motioned for the convoy to stop . Taking Antonya 's hand , he led his cousin to the spare carriage that was supposed to be for him and Marco . From the window of his carriage Alexandre saw them leave and begged his parents to join them . ' Fine , be gone ' the Tsarina grumbled . Running after them , he reached the last carriage just before they closed the door . They all sat in silence while Antonya reached for the carriage 's blankets and handed them out . As she sat , Cristian motioned for the convoy to take off again , and he tied back the curtains by his window . Antonya pressed herself against the window and sighed . Sara and Cristian 's injuries ; they surely had something to do with her . Every time something went wrong , the entire time she 'd been here , it seemed to be connected to her . She felt like the root of all the problems , and as her breath fogged up the glass of the carriage window she began to draw sad faces on it . Her eyes began to water up , so she turned herself even further away from the others . She put her hands in the pockets of her coat and pulled it tighter around her , fingering the locket that she had kept with her since she had found it . ' Antonya , YOUR HIGHNESS , I 'm trying to talk to you ' Cristian waved his hands in front of her face . Antonya had no idea anyone had been talking to her . She mumbled in return . Alexandre grabbed Antonya 's arm and pulled her close to him . She hadn 't realised just how much she was shivering . Sitting in the Tsarevich 's arms , she leaned her head against his chest and began to fall asleep again . Cristian sighed , realising there was going to be no way to break the news to her calmly . " I owe you this much , Velibor , for your honesty with me , and guiding myself and these young ones to the safe and loving arms of a man I 've known long enough to call Father . The story is long , I must warn you . But I will trust you with the truth , as I have trusted you with my life . " " I will ask what I want to know when I want to know it . Hurry up and tell me your story , my patience is wearing thin . " Velibor said in a cold , menacing voice . Maria understood now that she had hurt him . She wanted to reach over and touch his shoulder , but she knew that would be out of line . " Well , I shall begin " she said slowly , " from the very beginning . " " Queen Ivana had fallen pregnant with a child before her and King Vladan were to be wed . Should the child have been found out , they would have been portrayed as a child of evil , a bad omen on the country , and a bad omen for the King and Queen themselves . The wedding was delayed , and Queen Ivana was sent to the Spring palace under the pretense that ' she needed time to be sure of her decision in marrying King Vladan ' . For two years she stayed here , Marius served as her butler , and only a few trusted servants around to keep her company and help her care for herself and the child . Vladan visited often , spoiling his child , which turned out to be a beautiful , strong , healthy girl . She had his eyes . In between his visits , Ivana would grow sad and lonely , and she began to sow the tapestry you saw , among others , to help decorate the court . People of the court began to grow weary of her and the Spring palace , which was once a very popular destination for nobility to travel to ; renowned for the magestic waterfall , and vibrant forestry beyond that . After six months of her being alone , King Vladan bought with him on his next trip a maid called Carol . I 'm sure you may have met her in the city while we were at Marius ' house . Together , Carol and Ivana managed to decorate this entire hall with beautiful tapestries , and many of the other key rooms also . Queen Ivana began to feel so at home here , that the palace became known as Ann 's palace . The child was now a year old , and as visitors began to visit the castle , Ivana would tell them that Carol was her distant cousin , and the child was Carol 's daughter . Her husband had passed away , and she couldn 't leave them to fend alone . The story caught on quickly to the courts , and all seemingly believed it . Vladan never let on , but the story hurt him . He wanted to tell people the truth , and introduce his beautiful young daughter to the world , once his wife and he were to be married . He planned to marry Ivana , and then not long later have Carol killed , so that they could seemingly adopt their daughter back into their family , without any scandal . Ivana refused , but Vladan was persistent . She urged Carol to take her daughter away into safety , while she returned to the courts and married Vladan . The story she told was that Carol had taken her daughter on a vacation , and they would return in time . Vladan and Ivana had a beautiful wedding , it was told . They returned to the Spring palace for a month after their wedding with many members of the court following . Vladan 's sole intention for returning was to find his daughter . Marius was sentenced to never leave the walls of the Spring palace , to keep a constant eye out for his daughter . On the last day , Carol returned to the castle in tears , claiming that something had happened to the child . Vladan was furious , and ordered the entire castle to be evacuated except for his wife , Carol and Marius . As everyone returned to the main city , he locked them all in a room , and ordered his general to attack the palace , but make it look as though the castle had been in mourning for a week , when rumours reached the castle that Queen Ivana had walked from the Spring castle with the help of a maid . Vladan , excited to hear that the woman he loved was alive , searched the town looking for her . She was found , along with his daughter and Carol , staying at a small house out in the country , owned by a gentleman named Lukas . You would know Lukas now as the castle 's gardener . Ivana begged Vladan to give Carol a second chance . She suggested that they all come to the castle together . He refused , but Lukas and Carol threatened to reveal the truth of the child to the people if he didn 't agree . The young girl was introduced to the castle as an orphan , to be trained as a maid when she came of age . Carol became a nurse , taking care of the orphans and young children of the castle . Lukas was appointed castle gardener . The King grew further and further into depression , until one day , Queen Ivana announced she was pregnant with a child . There was great celebration in the castle . The Spring castle had long been forgotten , it had been ten years since it was destroyed . Carol and the first child had long been forgotten . Queen Ivana would sometimes send her small gifts , but could never bring herself to visit the child . King Vladan sent a small token on her birthday only . She was old enough to know now who she was , and why she was the only child receiving these gifts . She grew more and more beautiful as each year passed . Carol struggled to hide her resemblance to the Queen ; cutting her hair short , making sure she was always thin , and that her skin was dark from the sun . A year after the birth of Princess Antonya , the King decreed that the first daughter was to leave the castle and return only if her life was in danger . She was given a job just outside the town , as a maid for a noble family . Struggling with her new life , the girl wrote often to Marius and Carol looking for support and affection . Everyone inside the castle and out had heard of Princess Antonya 's rebellious attitude , and the knight who was rumoured to not be going to war purely because he was her lover . The girl hated hearing it , how Antonya could be loved by her parents , how she was turned away because her parents made a mistake , not her . The war grew closer and closer to the residence she was staying at . The girl feared what she should do , should the war come too close to the house . Neither the Lord nor the Lady of the house were home to ask , and they didn 't reply to her letters . She received a letter to Lukas , telling her that Carol was unable to write due to preparations at the castle being made : the Princess was leaving to Russia with her Uncle Marco . It was two days ride from where she was to Lukas ' house , and his son would be there waiting for her . " Maria took a breath . That was the whole story , as best she could tell it . Although they were ten years apart , Princess Antonya was her younger sister . She was nervous . If Velibor didn 't believe her , she would be without help in trying to protect these children . " You have no idea . The conspiracy that you are ? How could you tell me this knowing what and who I am to the Princess ? You make it sound as though she is your sworn enemy , and if you say so , that makes you MY sworn enemy ! " He yelled , absolutely furious . He had no idea what to believe . He was cold , tired and hungry ; heartbroken and had just had his trust betrayed ; his head was a mess . He stormed out of the hall , back towards the waterfall . The sun had begun to rise , soft rays shining through the trees onto the water . The birds were singing softly . Slow , heavy footsteps could be heard from the other end of the corridor . " Velibor " his voice sounded , warm and soothing . " It is a lot , I understand . Walk with me , may I show you more of the castle that is not ruined ? " Marius stood only a few paces away from him now , his arm outstretched . " You must understand , although it is hard for you , it is also hard for Maria , who is not allowed to be who she truly is ; burdened with an identity she can never reveal to any one . This is also her first time back to Ivana 's Palace . I am yet to show her what I wish to show you . " He accepted , not knowing what else to do . Maybe there would be a fact or two he could see , that would help him understand what was the truth . As they walked through various passages , some of them seeming untouched by time , others with walls collapsed , or holes in the floor , Marius told him of the history of each room and pathway . He had been in this castle since he was born , and had always tried to take care of the remaining rooms as much he could while he was still able to move . He admitted to not having been down here in a few months now , the weather had begun to hurt his old body . They walked passed a kitchen , an old gallery with some of the paintings still intact . On the wall he noticed a large portrait of King Vladan and Queen Ivana on what looked like their wedding day . There was a painting of a cute little girl not far down with a very young woman , he assumed this was Carol , as Marius was in the background in his unmistakable uniform of a Royal house steward . " Baby Maria , that is the little girl here in the picture . When she was born , she was named Ana , after her mother . We had to change her name as she started to grow older , for she looked exactly like the Queen , except that she had Vladan 's eyes . " " I am yet to see the Younger Princess except for the paintings that have been in the markets . I have , of course , added a painting of her to the gallery here . I believe , that you are the young knight she chose to pose with for her coming - of - age ceremony . " Velibor turned and saw the newer painting up on the wall . It was indeed Antonya and he , two years ago . She was so beautiful . Instinctively , he reached out to touch her face , but caught himself before Marius noticed ; thankfully he was pre - occupied staring at the painting of Carol . " Did I love her ? I think that is what you are trying to ask young man . And yes , I do believe so . She was so polite . I 'd never seen Ivana so happy . Carol and her Highness seemed to fit together perfectly . The entire palace brightened up , she woke up each morning with purpose , and Carol had the most beautiful smile . Alas , the stewards ' life is a lonely one , boy . But I do not regret a single moment of my life , except that I allowed myself to grow old ! " he laughed at the last comment , his eyes still on the painting of Carol . The journey was lonely , long and arduous . Everything had been packed . Antonya had had appointments with Luis the dressmaker all week and consequently a new wardrobe was accompanying her to Gatchina . Despite the pain that she knew must come , her heart was on fire . She loved to travel . She was travelling alone in her carriage , Marco likewise , whereas the Tsarevitch and Cristian were together . The Tsar and Tsarina had ridden ahead into the night to make sure everything was ready at the palace . It was Serbian royalty coming to visit them after all . They stopped shortly for lunch , the maids quickly bringing food for them . They ate in silence , and quickly too , for the weather was freezing . She was the first to finish eating , being bored of the silence , she retired quickly to her carriage craving warmth and needing to be alone in her own thoughts . It felt like forever that she sat there , staring out of the window , opened book in one hand , face leaning in the other . She faced away from the door , for fear of catching Cristian 's eye ( or anyone else 's for that matter ) . She saw Cristian return to his carriage , and heard Marco noisily running into his . The snow had begun to fall softly again . But she had heard or seen no sign of Alexandre returning , and in the reflection of her windows she could see their carriage perfectly . The maids were running around picking up last minute things , and the head Coach 's whistle sounded . Suddenly the door of her carriage opened and slammed shut . She didn 't need to turn around . She could tell the breathing anywhere . He sat by the edge of the door , not wanting to move too close to her . She looked very Russian in her new winter clothes . Luis had done a marvellous job . She stared dejectedly out the opposite window , her hazel eyes drinking the snow - white fields and perfectly - iced trees . Her lips seemed a purple tinge of red , must be the cold . In thinking of that , he shivered , only just realising how cold he was . Antonya turned around . " Cold , your Highness ? " she almost murmured . He nodded , hugging himself . She pulled a large mink rug from the other chair , and he sat next to her . " No , come on the other side Alexandre , so that if I may fall asleep you can be my pillow " she said , not really listening to the words she was speaking . He laughed , and looked at her earnestly . " Antonya , there would be no greater honour in this world . " He winked , and she looked away , not sure what to do . Alexandre moved by the window , Antonya sat very close next to him , and he covered them both with the rug . He pulled it up to his shoulders , almost burying Antonya . She punched him , and pulled it back down again . " I didn 't realise you were there , Antonya " he teased . " Oh really " she rolled her eyes " would you like me to prove to you that I am here ? " Alexandre couldn 't help it . She was so beautiful when she was angry . His hand reached up to her chin , stroking her cheek gently , and he moved forward , eager for the taste of her soft , cold lips . He held her tight , and she sighed , resting her head on his chest . She knew this moment would come . There was no way she could avoid it . They sat like that for a long time , just staring out to the changing landscape beyond . Burying her hands in the blanket , she found her book , and decided for lack of anything better ; she may as well read it . Her mother had chosen it for her as a departing gift : a memory of her homeland ; so if she may ever feel alone , all she needed to do was read and remember . Smiling at the thought , she re - opened to the first page . " Shall I read it to you , Antonya ? I would love to , if you like . " He said earnestly . " You can read Serbian , Alex ? " shocked , Antonya sat up . " Do you doubt me ? Of course I can ! " he winked , taking the book from her hands . Holding her hand in one , and the book in the other , Alexandre cleared his throat . " Once upon a time , there was a handsome young man called Alexandre , who fell in love with a stupid Princess called Antonya of Serbia . She was helpless , and he was hopeless . Together , they found help and hope , and everything was as it should be once more . The end . " he finished matter - of - factly , closing the book and hugging her tight . She moved away , taking the book from him , smiling mischievously . " Alexandre . " She stated " You . Can 't . Read . Serbian ! I thought it was too good to be true ! " He hung his head in shame , laughing harder still . " Of course I can 't read it ! I 'm a pure Russian , not Serbian , Antonya ! Oh I love you ! " " Well , that 's a shame to you , for I have perfect Russian AND perfect Serbian , and am a pure blood Serbian , what say you to that Alexandre ? I think I win ! " Upon the last word , the carriages came to a halt . Rubbing the window to see outside , the night was fast approaching , as was another town . Marco and Cristian jumped into Antonya 's carriage too , to make room for more of the maids to ride inside , out of the cold . They would be leaving the carriages for the night soon anyway . So it was of no great deal . Alexandre went to stand as they came in . As they were seated , he sat towards the edge of the chair . She smiled , waiting for him to sit back down comfortably again . Leaning back on him , Antonya opened the book at the first page , for what must have been the fiftieth time that day . In a sweet , bed - time story voice , she began to read . " Shall I translate for you ? " Cristian laughed , noticing the look on Alexandre 's face . They all laughed , and Marco took the book , translating it into Russian as he read . Darkness began its conquest of the sky , succeeding just as the convoy reached the town . Sara opened the carriage door to escort Antonya to her room , only to find her asleep . ' Don 't worry about it Sara . I 'll bring her in ' Marco called from somewhere inside the dark carriage . ' Are you sure , my Lord ? The Tsarevich asked me to ensure that her highness reached her room safely and had a good night 's rest . ' ' Yes I understand . I will make sure of this myself . ' To reassure her , he moved more into the light . Sara saw that it was really Marco , so she apologised and closed the carriage door . Bato ran down a long corridor , and waited at the end . " Mr Velibor you walk too slow ! You will miss supper if you walk like that " he yelled , impatiently . The corridor seemed like a long entrance hallway . The right hand side had embellished archways , leading out to a balcony over the forest . From the great noise he heard he assumed there was a waterfall not too far away . " Like the hidden castle of the greats , the stories mama used to tell me " he whispered in awe . Bato , frustrated , ran up to him and grabbed his hand , and dragged him to the other end . Attempting not to trip , he ran with Bato . They approached an enormous set of doors , the moonlight accentuating the gold detailing on the beautifully carved oak doors . Together , they pushed one door open , and then he helped Bato to lock it with a long heavy beam . Turning around , this room was even more beautiful than the one before . Long tapestries hung from the walls , depicting tales of mighty kings , hard battles , love and heroes . In between each tapestry a different coat of arms was presented on shields , with swords behind them mounted to the walls . Four shields in total , Velibor counted . He recognised the third shield as the coat of arms of the second king of Serbia . Walking up to it , he traced the image on the shield . " Antonya , my love , I will come for you " he whispered . A tug on his coat pulled him back into reality , and as he looked down Bato stared up at him with anger in his eyes . " Be faster mister ! " and he ran off , expecting Velibor to follow him . He made a note himself that he would revisit this room again soon , and ran after Bato . At the far end of the great hall were four thrones . To the left of the thrones was a small doorway , and behind that he could see the light of a fire . They ran through the door and were greeted by Maria and Elena . It was a small room , without windows and only one door . The fire had been lit in the centre of the room , and surrounding it there were blankets laid out . Marius sat tending to the fire , and the other children lay about the room , eating out of small bowls what seemed to be a hot stew . Bato ran straight to join them , and Elena followed after him with his bowl of food . " You did well Bato " she soothed , and kissed his forehead . Velibor sat in one corner of the room , opposite the doorway , and closed his eyes . The rough stone wall behind his head felt coarse , but comforting . It reminded him of the stones of the window ledge in Antonya 's room . Every night he would climb up to her window to watch her sleep , to be with her , to take care of her . She slept so still , and she seemed so fragile in her sleep . It took all his self - control not to leave the window ledge and wrap her up in his arms . How he longed to sleep beside her , to hold her body to his . Just to be with her . It was a cold , but clear night the first time he climbed the wall in the courtyard . He had hoped she would still be awake , and had a basket of strawberries in one hand . As he reached the window ledge he realised she was asleep , but could not bring himself to leave . He crept across the room and stood by her bedside . He removed his glove to run his finger along her cheek , but withdrew as she shivered at his touch . His hands must have been too cold , he thought to himself . Putting his glove back on , he left the strawberries on her table and left for the night , not wanting to disturb her any further . Velibor sighed as he recollected memories . It felt like so long since he had been in a castle . " Papa , papa ! " someone tugged his coat , awakening him from his thoughts . " Papa , " he looked down , and saw Sasha , Maria 's youngest daughter " Papa ! " Velibor laughed . " Yes , little angel ? " he softened , wondering what was wrong . She gave him a hug , and a little flower . He picked her up and held her in his arms . " I love you Papa , don 't go away again ! " she cried onto his shoulder , and Velibor comforted her , he was unsure what to do . Maria wandered over , smiling , and took Sasha from him . " Let me put her to sleep , and then I shall explain the situation to you . Marius said he would like your help , if you are willing , he is in the great hall somewhere . " Sasha leaped out of Maria 's arms and ran to Velibor . " Goodnight Papa ! " " Goodnight little angel , sleep well " he soothed . She kissed him on the cheek and ran after Maria to the other side of the room . Velibor smiled to himself , and walked out of the little room to allow Maria some privacy with the children . At the far end of the great hall he saw Marius , and walked towards him . " What have you found , Marius ? " he questioned , seeing him poking eagerly at something on the floor . Marius smiled mischievously and beckoned him to come closer . Cautiously , he stood at Marius ' side , unable to see what had caught the elderly man 's attention . Lighting a torch , he saw it . The Serbian Royal Coat of Arms was at the head of an old tapestry which had fallen from its hangings . Wrapping his scarf around his mouth to stop the dust , he motioned for Marius to stand back while he shook the dust off and lay it out . Sewn into the tapestry was the entire history of the Serbian royal family , up until King Vladan 's father . Neither Vladan nor Marco had been added , but at the very bottom had been sewn an image of an angel , foretold as the saviour of Serbia . For some reason , the angel seemed to hold an exact likeness to Antonya . " Young Velibor , " Marius said , drawing him out from his thoughts " as a child , I bet no doubts that you heard the old tale of the saving angel ? " Velibor nodded . That is what he 'd just been thinking about . Oh how , especially now in this time of war , did Serbia need their saviour . Tracing the outline of the angel , Velibor slowly began to notice that the angel also could resemble Maria . The more he thought about it , the more he saw similarities between the three : the saviour , Maria and Antonya . He turned to Marius , his suspicions aroused , only to find him replaced by Maria . " Can I get you anything ? Maybe you are getting tired , it has been a long day and it is late into the … " before she could finish , Velibor cut her off . " Maria , are you related to the Royal Family ? " " What makes you ask that ? " she replied cautiously . Looking away , she began to step back , but Velibor caught her arm and pulled her towards the tapestry . " Who are you exactly , Maria ? " She couldn 't find the right words to say . What could she tell him ? Could she trust him ? Marius could be heard walking towards them from the other side of the hall . " Maria , " Velibor growled , " Answer me ! " " Do not be afraid , my dear " Marius soothed her . " He should know . " " But Father ! " Velibor spun around to face her . " Father ? ! " he yelled " I went out of my way to help you and your children , and yet you had your Father here all along ? ! " Velibor began to pace up and down the room . Walking up to the top of the room , Velibor sat in the King 's throne . If I hadn 't helped them , he thought to himself , this throne could now be mine ; My Queen would be sitting beside me , not with that fowl Tsarevich . Antonya would be mine , this liar doesn 't need me , my princess thinks I am dead . His head was in his hands , and he began to cry . Maria walked up to him , and sat in the Princess ' throne . " I 'm sorry , " she whispered , tears rolling down her cheeks . " I didn 't know if I could trust you , and in these times especially someone like me needs to take every precaution they can . I 'm sorry I lied to you Velibor . Will you allow me to tell you the truth ? " Velibor avoided looking at her . He was not the least bit tired anymore . He was too angry for sleep . " You have until the sun rises to convince me of your truth . At least make it worth my while . " He stated , coldly . Together they lit a fire , and she began her story . when you know love - you know the world . but the world is full of everything , not just smiles and happy faces . the world knows the pain AND the glory . so too will you , when you know love . . . |
love is the cause of most of life 's irrational decisions . to be led by love is almost foolish . so then that assumption could be made that foolishly , yet honestly , for i feel nothing else - - > i love you . Antonya heard the carriage door close and felt that she was not alone . Alarmed , she sat up slowly and looked around . They had stopped for the night , and no one had woken her . Rubbing the sleep from her eyes , she noticed someone sitting in the corner . She searched silently for some way to lighten the compartment without wakening the unknown person in the corner . She slowly pulled at the curtains hoping the light from the torches outside would be enough . Just as the light began to enter , the person growled . ' Antonya , close the curtains . They cannot see you in here . ' Recognising the voice instantly , she sighed and slowly re - closed the curtain . ' Uncle , why are you in here ? Why are we not inside ? You should have woken me up ' she whispered . ' It is not safe inside the tavern where they are staying Antonya . I have been in and walked the rooms , Cristian stays with Alexandre on the third floor , I stay next to the Tsar and his wife on the second level , and you are all alone on the first level . Not even Sara stays with you . There are numerous drunken men roaming the halls of the first and second floors . I told them you felt unwell , and that you and I would wait here until the passing of illness , when I would call for Cristian 's assistance and we would escort you to your room safely . ' Antonya was unsure of what to think . Surely for their plan to work , she had to be officially wed to Alexandre before they could take over the throne of Serbia . She rubbed her head , and pulled the blankets closer around her . ' So I am to stay here the night uncle , is that what you think is the best thing to do ? ' she yawned . ' Yes Antonya . I will stay with you and keep you warm . ' Almost as soon as she laid her head back down Marco heard the soft sounds of his niece asleep . He sighed , drawing the curtains fully closed . Just as his eyes began to close , a soft tapping was to be heard on the door of the carriage . Cautiously , Marco peered through the curtains to see who was there . Cristian held Sara in his arms , her night gown torn and dirty . Instantly Marco shook Antonya to wake up , and opened the carriage door . Carefully lifting Sara inside , Cristian whispered a quick set of tasks to Marco and ran to fetch some water , food and bandages for Sara , and a guard to keep watch on the carriage . Antonya wrapped her blankets around Sara and held her tight , singing to her while wiping the tears from her cheeks . Sara sobbed silently , frozen in pain and shock . Cristian returned within a few minutes , with a guard in tow . As he entered the carriage , he handed the guard a large bag of coins and ordered him to stay at the door to the carriage , allowing no one entry . He pulled out the items he had found after securing the carriage door , and lit a torch . Carefully , he dabbed at her cuts and bruises , cleaning them , and applying a soothing lotion to them . He bound up her left thigh and her left arm in an attempt to stop the bleeding . Antonya watched him , and noticed that his arm also had a large gash in it . Laying Sara 's head down gently on one of her pillows , she reached out for Cristian 's arm and had it cleaned and bound in no time . He sat up on the opposite couch , and Antonya threw him one of the spare blankets . He began to speak , but she stopped him . ' Not now cousin , rest up . We have all day tomorrow to talk . ' She left Sara to the care of Marco , and sat next to her cousin , who fell asleep on her shoulder . When they awoke , the convoy had already begun the days travels , and the sun was almost at noon . Sara changed into a new set of clothes , but Antonya refused to let her resume her duties . Sara looked to Marco , but he too nodded in agreement . ' Sara , it is not right to talk in here yet about what happened , but you are not safe here , it seems to me , and we will not allow you to resume your normal ways until we see it is fit . I can have a short - temper with my staff occasionally , but that does not mean I am not merciful and compassionate . Stay with us . ' Lunch was distributed not long later , and the smell of food was what woke Cristian . As he began to rise , he winced in pain . Antonya and Marco gently sat him up . Tears began to fall from his eyes as he looked at Sara . Marco nodded to Antonya , and they swapped places . They began talking in Serbian in hushed voices , and Antonya tended to Sara . ' It 's funny ' Sara said softly , ' I would never ever have imagined that someone would have to tend to me . I am sorry Your Highness , please forgive me . ' Antonya stroked her forehead gently as she dipped a piece of bread into the soup to feed to Sara . ' Sara , you are a friend to me , not a maid . All these things I gladly do to a friend . You saved my life once , now I shall repay the favour . ' She smiled warmly at Sara and resumed to feed her . The girls ' warm spirits brightened Cristian 's sour mood , but the events of the night before still frightened him . ' At least Marco knows what to look for now , ' he thought to himself , as he reached for an apple . He opened the curtains as far as they would go , and sighed . Cristian looked at Antonya , and then motioned for the convoy to stop . Taking Antonya 's hand , he led his cousin to the spare carriage that was supposed to be for him and Marco . From the window of his carriage Alexandre saw them leave and begged his parents to join them . ' Fine , be gone ' the Tsarina grumbled . Running after them , he reached the last carriage just before they closed the door . They all sat in silence while Antonya reached for the carriage 's blankets and handed them out . As she sat , Cristian motioned for the convoy to take off again , and he tied back the curtains by his window . Antonya pressed herself against the window and sighed . Sara and Cristian 's injuries ; they surely had something to do with her . Every time something went wrong , the entire time she 'd been here , it seemed to be connected to her . She felt like the root of all the problems , and as her breath fogged up the glass of the carriage window she began to draw sad faces on it . Her eyes began to water up , so she turned herself even further away from the others . She put her hands in the pockets of her coat and pulled it tighter around her , fingering the locket that she had kept with her since she had found it . ' Antonya , YOUR HIGHNESS , I 'm trying to talk to you ' Cristian waved his hands in front of her face . Antonya had no idea anyone had been talking to her . She mumbled in return . Alexandre grabbed Antonya 's arm and pulled her close to him . She hadn 't realised just how much she was shivering . Sitting in the Tsarevich 's arms , she leaned her head against his chest and began to fall asleep again . Cristian sighed , realising there was going to be no way to break the news to her calmly . " I owe you this much , Velibor , for your honesty with me , and guiding myself and these young ones to the safe and loving arms of a man I 've known long enough to call Father . The story is long , I must warn you . But I will trust you with the truth , as I have trusted you with my life . " " I will ask what I want to know when I want to know it . Hurry up and tell me your story , my patience is wearing thin . " Velibor said in a cold , menacing voice . Maria understood now that she had hurt him . She wanted to reach over and touch his shoulder , but she knew that would be out of line . " Well , I shall begin " she said slowly , " from the very beginning . " " Queen Ivana had fallen pregnant with a child before her and King Vladan were to be wed . Should the child have been found out , they would have been portrayed as a child of evil , a bad omen on the country , and a bad omen for the King and Queen themselves . The wedding was delayed , and Queen Ivana was sent to the Spring palace under the pretense that ' she needed time to be sure of her decision in marrying King Vladan ' . For two years she stayed here , Marius served as her butler , and only a few trusted servants around to keep her company and help her care for herself and the child . Vladan visited often , spoiling his child , which turned out to be a beautiful , strong , healthy girl . She had his eyes . In between his visits , Ivana would grow sad and lonely , and she began to sow the tapestry you saw , among others , to help decorate the court . People of the court began to grow weary of her and the Spring palace , which was once a very popular destination for nobility to travel to ; renowned for the magestic waterfall , and vibrant forestry beyond that . After six months of her being alone , King Vladan bought with him on his next trip a maid called Carol . I 'm sure you may have met her in the city while we were at Marius ' house . Together , Carol and Ivana managed to decorate this entire hall with beautiful tapestries , and many of the other key rooms also . Queen Ivana began to feel so at home here , that the palace became known as Ann 's palace . The child was now a year old , and as visitors began to visit the castle , Ivana would tell them that Carol was her distant cousin , and the child was Carol 's daughter . Her husband had passed away , and she couldn 't leave them to fend alone . The story caught on quickly to the courts , and all seemingly believed it . Vladan never let on , but the story hurt him . He wanted to tell people the truth , and introduce his beautiful young daughter to the world , once his wife and he were to be married . He planned to marry Ivana , and then not long later have Carol killed , so that they could seemingly adopt their daughter back into their family , without any scandal . Ivana refused , but Vladan was persistent . She urged Carol to take her daughter away into safety , while she returned to the courts and married Vladan . The story she told was that Carol had taken her daughter on a vacation , and they would return in time . Vladan and Ivana had a beautiful wedding , it was told . They returned to the Spring palace for a month after their wedding with many members of the court following . Vladan 's sole intention for returning was to find his daughter . Marius was sentenced to never leave the walls of the Spring palace , to keep a constant eye out for his daughter . On the last day , Carol returned to the castle in tears , claiming that something had happened to the child . Vladan was furious , and ordered the entire castle to be evacuated except for his wife , Carol and Marius . As everyone returned to the main city , he locked them all in a room , and ordered his general to attack the palace , but make it look as though the castle had been in mourning for a week , when rumours reached the castle that Queen Ivana had walked from the Spring castle with the help of a maid . Vladan , excited to hear that the woman he loved was alive , searched the town looking for her . She was found , along with his daughter and Carol , staying at a small house out in the country , owned by a gentleman named Lukas . You would know Lukas now as the castle 's gardener . Ivana begged Vladan to give Carol a second chance . She suggested that they all come to the castle together . He refused , but Lukas and Carol threatened to reveal the truth of the child to the people if he didn 't agree . The young girl was introduced to the castle as an orphan , to be trained as a maid when she came of age . Carol became a nurse , taking care of the orphans and young children of the castle . Lukas was appointed castle gardener . The King grew further and further into depression , until one day , Queen Ivana announced she was pregnant with a child . There was great celebration in the castle . The Spring castle had long been forgotten , it had been ten years since it was destroyed . Carol and the first child had long been forgotten . Queen Ivana would sometimes send her small gifts , but could never bring herself to visit the child . King Vladan sent a small token on her birthday only . She was old enough to know now who she was , and why she was the only child receiving these gifts . She grew more and more beautiful as each year passed . Carol struggled to hide her resemblance to the Queen ; cutting her hair short , making sure she was always thin , and that her skin was dark from the sun . A year after the birth of Princess Antonya , the King decreed that the first daughter was to leave the castle and return only if her life was in danger . She was given a job just outside the town , as a maid for a noble family . Struggling with her new life , the girl wrote often to Marius and Carol looking for support and affection . Everyone inside the castle and out had heard of Princess Antonya 's rebellious attitude , and the knight who was rumoured to not be going to war purely because he was her lover . The girl hated hearing it , how Antonya could be loved by her parents , how she was turned away because her parents made a mistake , not her . The war grew closer and closer to the residence she was staying at . The girl feared what she should do , should the war come too close to the house . Neither the Lord nor the Lady of the house were home to ask , and they didn 't reply to her letters . She received a letter to Lukas , telling her that Carol was unable to write due to preparations at the castle being made : the Princess was leaving to Russia with her Uncle Marco . It was two days ride from where she was to Lukas ' house , and his son would be there waiting for her . " Maria took a breath . That was the whole story , as best she could tell it . Although they were ten years apart , Princess Antonya was her younger sister . She was nervous . If Velibor didn 't believe her , she would be without help in trying to protect these children . " You have no idea . The conspiracy that you are ? How could you tell me this knowing what and who I am to the Princess ? You make it sound as though she is your sworn enemy , and if you say so , that makes you MY sworn enemy ! " He yelled , absolutely furious . He had no idea what to believe . He was cold , tired and hungry ; heartbroken and had just had his trust betrayed ; his head was a mess . He stormed out of the hall , back towards the waterfall . The sun had begun to rise , soft rays shining through the trees onto the water . The birds were singing softly . Slow , heavy footsteps could be heard from the other end of the corridor . " Velibor " his voice sounded , warm and soothing . " It is a lot , I understand . Walk with me , may I show you more of the castle that is not ruined ? " Marius stood only a few paces away from him now , his arm outstretched . " You must understand , although it is hard for you , it is also hard for Maria , who is not allowed to be who she truly is ; burdened with an identity she can never reveal to any one . This is also her first time back to Ivana 's Palace . I am yet to show her what I wish to show you . " He accepted , not knowing what else to do . Maybe there would be a fact or two he could see , that would help him understand what was the truth . As they walked through various passages , some of them seeming untouched by time , others with walls collapsed , or holes in the floor , Marius told him of the history of each room and pathway . He had been in this castle since he was born , and had always tried to take care of the remaining rooms as much he could while he was still able to move . He admitted to not having been down here in a few months now , the weather had begun to hurt his old body . They walked passed a kitchen , an old gallery with some of the paintings still intact . On the wall he noticed a large portrait of King Vladan and Queen Ivana on what looked like their wedding day . There was a painting of a cute little girl not far down with a very young woman , he assumed this was Carol , as Marius was in the background in his unmistakable uniform of a Royal house steward . " Baby Maria , that is the little girl here in the picture . When she was born , she was named Ana , after her mother . We had to change her name as she started to grow older , for she looked exactly like the Queen , except that she had Vladan 's eyes . " " I am yet to see the Younger Princess except for the paintings that have been in the markets . I have , of course , added a painting of her to the gallery here . I believe , that you are the young knight she chose to pose with for her coming - of - age ceremony . " Velibor turned and saw the newer painting up on the wall . It was indeed Antonya and he , two years ago . She was so beautiful . Instinctively , he reached out to touch her face , but caught himself before Marius noticed ; thankfully he was pre - occupied staring at the painting of Carol . " Did I love her ? I think that is what you are trying to ask young man . And yes , I do believe so . She was so polite . I 'd never seen Ivana so happy . Carol and her Highness seemed to fit together perfectly . The entire palace brightened up , she woke up each morning with purpose , and Carol had the most beautiful smile . Alas , the stewards ' life is a lonely one , boy . But I do not regret a single moment of my life , except that I allowed myself to grow old ! " he laughed at the last comment , his eyes still on the painting of Carol . The journey was lonely , long and arduous . Everything had been packed . Antonya had had appointments with Luis the dressmaker all week and consequently a new wardrobe was accompanying her to Gatchina . Despite the pain that she knew must come , her heart was on fire . She loved to travel . She was travelling alone in her carriage , Marco likewise , whereas the Tsarevitch and Cristian were together . The Tsar and Tsarina had ridden ahead into the night to make sure everything was ready at the palace . It was Serbian royalty coming to visit them after all . They stopped shortly for lunch , the maids quickly bringing food for them . They ate in silence , and quickly too , for the weather was freezing . She was the first to finish eating , being bored of the silence , she retired quickly to her carriage craving warmth and needing to be alone in her own thoughts . It felt like forever that she sat there , staring out of the window , opened book in one hand , face leaning in the other . She faced away from the door , for fear of catching Cristian 's eye ( or anyone else 's for that matter ) . She saw Cristian return to his carriage , and heard Marco noisily running into his . The snow had begun to fall softly again . But she had heard or seen no sign of Alexandre returning , and in the reflection of her windows she could see their carriage perfectly . The maids were running around picking up last minute things , and the head Coach 's whistle sounded . Suddenly the door of her carriage opened and slammed shut . She didn 't need to turn around . She could tell the breathing anywhere . He sat by the edge of the door , not wanting to move too close to her . She looked very Russian in her new winter clothes . Luis had done a marvellous job . She stared dejectedly out the opposite window , her hazel eyes drinking the snow - white fields and perfectly - iced trees . Her lips seemed a purple tinge of red , must be the cold . In thinking of that , he shivered , only just realising how cold he was . Antonya turned around . " Cold , your Highness ? " she almost murmured . He nodded , hugging himself . She pulled a large mink rug from the other chair , and he sat next to her . " No , come on the other side Alexandre , so that if I may fall asleep you can be my pillow " she said , not really listening to the words she was speaking . He laughed , and looked at her earnestly . " Antonya , there would be no greater honour in this world . " He winked , and she looked away , not sure what to do . Alexandre moved by the window , Antonya sat very close next to him , and he covered them both with the rug . He pulled it up to his shoulders , almost burying Antonya . She punched him , and pulled it back down again . " I didn 't realise you were there , Antonya " he teased . " Oh really " she rolled her eyes " would you like me to prove to you that I am here ? " Alexandre couldn 't help it . She was so beautiful when she was angry . His hand reached up to her chin , stroking her cheek gently , and he moved forward , eager for the taste of her soft , cold lips . He held her tight , and she sighed , resting her head on his chest . She knew this moment would come . There was no way she could avoid it . They sat like that for a long time , just staring out to the changing landscape beyond . Burying her hands in the blanket , she found her book , and decided for lack of anything better ; she may as well read it . Her mother had chosen it for her as a departing gift : a memory of her homeland ; so if she may ever feel alone , all she needed to do was read and remember . Smiling at the thought , she re - opened to the first page . " Shall I read it to you , Antonya ? I would love to , if you like . " He said earnestly . " You can read Serbian , Alex ? " shocked , Antonya sat up . " Do you doubt me ? Of course I can ! " he winked , taking the book from her hands . Holding her hand in one , and the book in the other , Alexandre cleared his throat . " Once upon a time , there was a handsome young man called Alexandre , who fell in love with a stupid Princess called Antonya of Serbia . She was helpless , and he was hopeless . Together , they found help and hope , and everything was as it should be once more . The end . " he finished matter - of - factly , closing the book and hugging her tight . She moved away , taking the book from him , smiling mischievously . " Alexandre . " She stated " You . Can 't . Read . Serbian ! I thought it was too good to be true ! " He hung his head in shame , laughing harder still . " Of course I can 't read it ! I 'm a pure Russian , not Serbian , Antonya ! Oh I love you ! " " Well , that 's a shame to you , for I have perfect Russian AND perfect Serbian , and am a pure blood Serbian , what say you to that Alexandre ? I think I win ! " Upon the last word , the carriages came to a halt . Rubbing the window to see outside , the night was fast approaching , as was another town . Marco and Cristian jumped into Antonya 's carriage too , to make room for more of the maids to ride inside , out of the cold . They would be leaving the carriages for the night soon anyway . So it was of no great deal . Alexandre went to stand as they came in . As they were seated , he sat towards the edge of the chair . She smiled , waiting for him to sit back down comfortably again . Leaning back on him , Antonya opened the book at the first page , for what must have been the fiftieth time that day . In a sweet , bed - time story voice , she began to read . " Shall I translate for you ? " Cristian laughed , noticing the look on Alexandre 's face . They all laughed , and Marco took the book , translating it into Russian as he read . Darkness began its conquest of the sky , succeeding just as the convoy reached the town . Sara opened the carriage door to escort Antonya to her room , only to find her asleep . ' Don 't worry about it Sara . I 'll bring her in ' Marco called from somewhere inside the dark carriage . ' Are you sure , my Lord ? The Tsarevich asked me to ensure that her highness reached her room safely and had a good night 's rest . ' ' Yes I understand . I will make sure of this myself . ' To reassure her , he moved more into the light . Sara saw that it was really Marco , so she apologised and closed the carriage door . Bato ran down a long corridor , and waited at the end . " Mr Velibor you walk too slow ! You will miss supper if you walk like that " he yelled , impatiently . The corridor seemed like a long entrance hallway . The right hand side had embellished archways , leading out to a balcony over the forest . From the great noise he heard he assumed there was a waterfall not too far away . " Like the hidden castle of the greats , the stories mama used to tell me " he whispered in awe . Bato , frustrated , ran up to him and grabbed his hand , and dragged him to the other end . Attempting not to trip , he ran with Bato . They approached an enormous set of doors , the moonlight accentuating the gold detailing on the beautifully carved oak doors . Together , they pushed one door open , and then he helped Bato to lock it with a long heavy beam . Turning around , this room was even more beautiful than the one before . Long tapestries hung from the walls , depicting tales of mighty kings , hard battles , love and heroes . In between each tapestry a different coat of arms was presented on shields , with swords behind them mounted to the walls . Four shields in total , Velibor counted . He recognised the third shield as the coat of arms of the second king of Serbia . Walking up to it , he traced the image on the shield . " Antonya , my love , I will come for you " he whispered . A tug on his coat pulled him back into reality , and as he looked down Bato stared up at him with anger in his eyes . " Be faster mister ! " and he ran off , expecting Velibor to follow him . He made a note himself that he would revisit this room again soon , and ran after Bato . At the far end of the great hall were four thrones . To the left of the thrones was a small doorway , and behind that he could see the light of a fire . They ran through the door and were greeted by Maria and Elena . It was a small room , without windows and only one door . The fire had been lit in the centre of the room , and surrounding it there were blankets laid out . Marius sat tending to the fire , and the other children lay about the room , eating out of small bowls what seemed to be a hot stew . Bato ran straight to join them , and Elena followed after him with his bowl of food . " You did well Bato " she soothed , and kissed his forehead . Velibor sat in one corner of the room , opposite the doorway , and closed his eyes . The rough stone wall behind his head felt coarse , but comforting . It reminded him of the stones of the window ledge in Antonya 's room . Every night he would climb up to her window to watch her sleep , to be with her , to take care of her . She slept so still , and she seemed so fragile in her sleep . It took all his self - control not to leave the window ledge and wrap her up in his arms . How he longed to sleep beside her , to hold her body to his . Just to be with her . It was a cold , but clear night the first time he climbed the wall in the courtyard . He had hoped she would still be awake , and had a basket of strawberries in one hand . As he reached the window ledge he realised she was asleep , but could not bring himself to leave . He crept across the room and stood by her bedside . He removed his glove to run his finger along her cheek , but withdrew as she shivered at his touch . His hands must have been too cold , he thought to himself . Putting his glove back on , he left the strawberries on her table and left for the night , not wanting to disturb her any further . Velibor sighed as he recollected memories . It felt like so long since he had been in a castle . " Papa , papa ! " someone tugged his coat , awakening him from his thoughts . " Papa , " he looked down , and saw Sasha , Maria 's youngest daughter " Papa ! " Velibor laughed . " Yes , little angel ? " he softened , wondering what was wrong . She gave him a hug , and a little flower . He picked her up and held her in his arms . " I love you Papa , don 't go away again ! " she cried onto his shoulder , and Velibor comforted her , he was unsure what to do . Maria wandered over , smiling , and took Sasha from him . " Let me put her to sleep , and then I shall explain the situation to you . Marius said he would like your help , if you are willing , he is in the great hall somewhere . " Sasha leaped out of Maria 's arms and ran to Velibor . " Goodnight Papa ! " " Goodnight little angel , sleep well " he soothed . She kissed him on the cheek and ran after Maria to the other side of the room . Velibor smiled to himself , and walked out of the little room to allow Maria some privacy with the children . At the far end of the great hall he saw Marius , and walked towards him . " What have you found , Marius ? " he questioned , seeing him poking eagerly at something on the floor . Marius smiled mischievously and beckoned him to come closer . Cautiously , he stood at Marius ' side , unable to see what had caught the elderly man 's attention . Lighting a torch , he saw it . The Serbian Royal Coat of Arms was at the head of an old tapestry which had fallen from its hangings . Wrapping his scarf around his mouth to stop the dust , he motioned for Marius to stand back while he shook the dust off and lay it out . Sewn into the tapestry was the entire history of the Serbian royal family , up until King Vladan 's father . Neither Vladan nor Marco had been added , but at the very bottom had been sewn an image of an angel , foretold as the saviour of Serbia . For some reason , the angel seemed to hold an exact likeness to Antonya . " Young Velibor , " Marius said , drawing him out from his thoughts " as a child , I bet no doubts that you heard the old tale of the saving angel ? " Velibor nodded . That is what he 'd just been thinking about . Oh how , especially now in this time of war , did Serbia need their saviour . Tracing the outline of the angel , Velibor slowly began to notice that the angel also could resemble Maria . The more he thought about it , the more he saw similarities between the three : the saviour , Maria and Antonya . He turned to Marius , his suspicions aroused , only to find him replaced by Maria . " Can I get you anything ? Maybe you are getting tired , it has been a long day and it is late into the … " before she could finish , Velibor cut her off . " Maria , are you related to the Royal Family ? " " What makes you ask that ? " she replied cautiously . Looking away , she began to step back , but Velibor caught her arm and pulled her towards the tapestry . " Who are you exactly , Maria ? " She couldn 't find the right words to say . What could she tell him ? Could she trust him ? Marius could be heard walking towards them from the other side of the hall . " Maria , " Velibor growled , " Answer me ! " " Do not be afraid , my dear " Marius soothed her . " He should know . " " But Father ! " Velibor spun around to face her . " Father ? ! " he yelled " I went out of my way to help you and your children , and yet you had your Father here all along ? ! " Velibor began to pace up and down the room . Walking up to the top of the room , Velibor sat in the King 's throne . If I hadn 't helped them , he thought to himself , this throne could now be mine ; My Queen would be sitting beside me , not with that fowl Tsarevich . Antonya would be mine , this liar doesn 't need me , my princess thinks I am dead . His head was in his hands , and he began to cry . Maria walked up to him , and sat in the Princess ' throne . " I 'm sorry , " she whispered , tears rolling down her cheeks . " I didn 't know if I could trust you , and in these times especially someone like me needs to take every precaution they can . I 'm sorry I lied to you Velibor . Will you allow me to tell you the truth ? " Velibor avoided looking at her . He was not the least bit tired anymore . He was too angry for sleep . " You have until the sun rises to convince me of your truth . At least make it worth my while . " He stated , coldly . Together they lit a fire , and she began her story . when you know love - you know the world . but the world is full of everything , not just smiles and happy faces . the world knows the pain AND the glory . so too will you , when you know love . . . |
They ate breakfast at the island in silence . Each bite was just as refreshing as the one before it , and he relished each food product she had stashed on his plate . The bacon and pancakes were what he could smell when he walked in , but they were far from being everything that she had cooked . There were eggs , corn beef hash , and a hefty tray of sausages as well . The granite countertop was covered in calorie - stuffed edibles . But hey , with children , it wasn � t often that they got the opportunity to gorge . They had both resigned themselves to maintaining a healthy household , which was why they exercised together , had Carl playing little league baseball , Emily playing recreational volleyball , and kept the place stocked with a majority of good - for - you food . As soon as they were finished , they didn � t even clean up the kitchen . Instead , they headed right to one of the sofas in the living room for some quality time . An hour or so later , they just lay there on top of each other , holding each other � s hands and talking . The conversation was a lot about the afternoon , when he would take their daughter out to get her gift . Then , they headed upstairs , spent another two hours in bed , and showered together . When done , they went their separate ways . Though she did not have to work , a writer � s job was never done . He went to the study to see if he could tackle another few pages on his next novel . He stared at the blank page to chapter five , listening to the ruckus in the kitchen where she was taking care of what they hadn � t earlier when they were too preoccupied with themselves . He � d been working on this story for a while . It was one of his favorites , and he � d fallen in love with the idea as soon as it hit him . The book was titled Tears Unseen , and it was about a Christian family that is befriended by a man from their church who is faking his beliefs . In reality , he is a psychopathic serial killer who is using the church as his hunting ground . Soon , they find that they are being stalked by the man and the father will stop at nothing to protect his family . It would be a bestselling smash once it was finished . But he � d been having a small case of writer � s block lately . He managed to get a few sentences down on the page before he couldn � t think . To help , he took a break and went to the kitchen for some more coffee . Jenna was coming down the stairs when he passed . She was dressed in the clothes she would be wearing at the hospital later that evening . � I � m going to do some gardening , � she said . She walked over and gave him a long kiss . � Stay out of trouble . � He watched her as she opened the sliding glass door and stepped outside . The air that came through was warm and yet , also pleasant , the sour scent of grass riding upon it . He traveled over there after getting his coffee to watch her while she trimmed the bushes and watered and fertilized her flowers . There were several seed pouches on the ground behind her . Once she was done with the preliminaries , planting those would take her a while . But if there was one woman who could do hours and hours of gardening and never get bored , it was his Jenna . He turned to the study and headed across the room to the desk . It was a corner desk . His MacBook Pro rested in the center next to the wireless mouse , the page he had been working on still alight on the screen . On his way , he stopped to peruse the shelves of books that lined the rest of the space . He was always into research , and if a friend or family member ever gave him a book on any known subject , he was going to read it eventually . Until then , he stored them in the study , and being of the orderly sort , he organized all the subjects in alphabetical order . And then , as if that wasn � t enough , he organized each book within each subject in alphabetical order , and he always made sure they stayed that way . They all ranged from architecture , botany , cosmetics , and criminal justice to medicine , psychology , therapy , and virology . He even had a few books on zoology at the bottom . Anything that was fiction he separated to two bookshelves to the right of the desk , including copies of his own published novels . The books he was particularly fond of were the ones on religion and psychology . To any other human , it may have seemed a lot to handle , but thankfully he had one talent that made it all possible : He could read extremely fast . Ever since he was first able to read , he could read a book the size of a textbook within two to three days , and novels he could finish in a day regardless of their size . He would often hole up in his room with a few books and not come out for hours . And he would retain all of the information he read . His parents were always baffled by this , and it may have been one of the only reasons his father hadn � t pushed him to sign up to become a Marine ; he saw his son � s potential . But he also believed every man should make his own choices , and that helped as well . He sat down in front of the computer , placing the coffee on a cup holder beside the mouse . He took another look at the page and sighed . No words would come . He was at a point when the serial killer was in his lair , and the reader would get the first glimpse of his kill history : thousands upon thousands of photos of all his victims he had taken after he had tortured , murdered , and mutilated them . He was the kind that would hold onto the past so that he could relive his so - called glory . But the man who was making his fictional world could think of nothing else . For some reason , his mind went to his conversation with Dave . I know you � ve been struggling , he � d said . How , how , how ? How did he know ? God was a talker , or so he � d been told , but if that were the case , he hadn � t been hearing much from God lately . Life just went on , and he faced his problems like a man : with some hard work . He went through the motions for his family � s sake , but he wasn � t as connected as he � d once been . Jesus mattered more than anything a few years ago , but everything was perfect now . Why should he continue with the whole Jesus thing if everything was as it should be ? It was then , with that last thought , that he noticed his large black NIV Bible behind the laptop . It was there because , though he wasn � t as into his faith as he had been before , he still used the bible to research information for his novels . But right now , he wasn � t sure why it had caught his attention . He tried to ignore it , but something kept nagging him at the back of his mind . To do what , he didn � t know . Instinctively � at least , that � s the way it seemed at the time � he reached for it . Once it was in his hand , he brought it to him and studied the paperback cover . Unlike Dave � s , his had not been used all that much , so the front looked brand new . The golden - etched letters of HOLY BIBLE were not faded ; he could read it clear as day . He pulled the pages to the side releasing them in a blurry frenzy , reminiscent of a rolodex . Not looking at where he was , he stopped and opened it . He found himself reading Romans chapter 8 . It was boring at first , but then he saw something that caught his interest : 5 . Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires ; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds on what the Spirit desires . 6 . The mind governed by the flesh is death , but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace . 7 . The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God ; it does not submit to God � s law , nor can it do so . 8 . Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God � . 17 . Now if we are children , we are heirs � heirs of God and co - heirs with Christ , if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory . He was almost blown away at what he read . It was a direct answer to the question he had just raised . Why did he need Christ ? By suffering he would share in his glory . But why suffering ? Suffering sucked . No one should have to suffer . But Jesus sacrificed himself for you , he thought . That wasn � t the same , though . Or was it ? Unbeknownst to him , the Bible , now in his lap , began spinning to another place . When he looked down , he saw that it had stopped at chapter 10 of Mark . The title read : THE RICH AND THE KINGDOM OF GOD . Interested , he continued on to read : 17 . As Jesus started on his way , a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him . � Good teacher , � he asked , � what must I do to inherit eternal life ? �� 21 . Jesus looked at him and loved him . � One thing you lack , � he said . � Go , sell everything you have and give to the poor , and you will have treasure in heaven . Then come , follow me . � He � d read this passage a million times it seemed . Every time , he shunned the rich man who , being so caught up in his wealth , left Christ and gave up the eternal life he � d sought for so hard . Instead of following the Son of God and sharing his glory , he returned to his fortune as if it were � Then , it dawned on him . He was the rich man . But how ? He still went to church . He still put in the time to worship God . He still devoted himself to tithing . Whenever a service project arose , he was there to help out . His life was all for God . And in return , God had rewarded him with a beautiful family , a huge house in a wonderful neighborhood , and so much more . What else was needed ? He was fine . There was no reason he should stop living as he was . He went to close the book when he noticed that it was no longer in Mark . It had somehow jumped to the first chapter of James . He glanced over the text . This one was interesting , but he had no clue how it pertained to himself � not yet , anyway . It read : 2 . Consider it pure joy , my brothers and sisters , when you face trials of many kinds , 3 . because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance . 4 . Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete , not lacking anything � . 9 . Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position � . 12 . Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because , having stood the test , that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him . He slapped it shut , threw it back where it had been , and closed his eyes . All he could see was nothing , and that felt good . If only all the worries of life could just go away , all stress vanishing from the human race . Complete and total peace to take its place . Yeah . That sounded like a true blessing . He turned off the computer and left the room . Nothing was going to come . If it were late in his career , he might � ve thought about giving up the profession . But he just needed to relax some more , maybe spend the day at a theme park and have some fun or something . They all gathered around the bed as the doctors began the process of lifting Emily from her drug - induced coma . She still looked so placid in her slumber that he was half inspired to stop them and let her die so that she didn � t have to suffer . But he needed her . She was his only daughter , his pride and joy . His heart wouldn � t be able to go on without her . So he let them work . There were a few sputters from the monitor her IV was hooked to . He would � ve taken it as a bad sign , but then the doctor they had spoken to earlier injected some sort of serum into the tube and let it slowly drain into her system . Anxiety was building in all of them as they awaited results . Done with his tasks , the doctor just stood by the bed , joining them in their gawking . They waited for what seemed like hours , but then her right arm moved a bit . He saw it in his periphery , but his eyes were glued to her face . He wanted those eyelids to pop open and for her to show all the professionals in the room that they were wrong ; she still had all her memory . But they remained shut . He would � ve loved to have patience , but that was one thing he had thrown away long ago . In any other circumstances he would � ve gladly waited , but this was his baby girl . He wanted to see results , now . � We are merely bringing her out of a coma . There is hardly anything that could go wrong . I took all the necessary precautions . Everything will be fine . � Her eyes peeled open about as well as orange rinds . Stuck together by grimy yellow sleep , it was like trying to pry a steel - barricaded door from its hinges . He knew this because , like everyone , he � d had those mornings similar to this where sleep just didn � t want to leave . It clung to him and kept him confined to the bed for longer than he had intended . Like death , once it caught , it never wanted to let go . Before he knew it , she was staring at them , though the eyelids were only half open . Little slits of darkness , he could barely make out the pupils behind them . But they were open ; that � s what mattered . She moved her arm and began pointing to a cup of water that rested on a tray beside the bed . A nurse near it picked it up , brought it to her , and aimed the bendy straw toward her mouth . She took a long gulp and then waved the woman away . Then , she took a deep breath and relaxed . He wanted to jump for joy and run laps around the room . The sound of her voice was like the sweetest honey a man could ever taste . But he refrained from doing so because there was still one thing they had yet to find out . She began to cry . Marty had turned around and witnessed her anguish . His whole body was beginning to ache at the sight . � Why can � t I remember you ? � Saddened and angry , he marched out of the room and pounded the wall with his fist . His blood was boiling . Everything that had once been wonderful was now crushed and ground into fine powder . And God was at the center allowing it all to happen . Why , God ? he thought . What have I done wrong ? What do you want from me ? I accepted your Son . I gave my life to you . What more do you want ? The hospital staff was still hard at work . He couldn � t see it , but he knew that there was a world outside that continued its operations . Even that evil little bean - stuffed cat gazed at him from the desk with its cruel smirk . Everyone could still live at peace , except him . He couldn � t even be remembered by his own daughter ! He whipped around so quickly that the old doctor looked as if he � d nearly crapped his pants . And that might � ve been the right reaction to have . Marty grabbed him by the collar and pinned him against the edge of the doorframe . He saw the concern on her face . Looking back to the doctor , he began to slacken his grip , hardly remembering how he had ended up holding the man against the wall . He felt like he had been in a drunken trance . � I don � t know . It � s obviously not good that she can � t remember anyone , or her own name for that matter , but it appears that she has retained all the knowledge she gained before the accident , meaning anything that she learned in school or from you or just from personal experience is still there . All that was lost was specific memories . � � Well , the best thing right now is to keep it together and spend time with her . The more you � re there talking with her and answering her questions , the better the chances are of her re - gathering her memories . What she needs most is care , and that � s what we are here for . Once her skin has completely regrown , we can move her into therapy and proceed from there . � With that , he crossed to the counter , talked with the nurse who politely handed him a clipboard , and then ambled down the corridor to check on the rest of his patients . Marty was beyond the point of stress . His back stung as if two hundred pounds of weight had been dumped on it , like a weightlifter whose eyes had been bigger than his strength . Then , she kissed him . The warmth of her smooth lips was more than soothing , enough so to make him forget where he was and what had had him so distraught . If only it could be this way all the time . No worries , no nothing . Just the plump , loving arms of peace to hold him and let him know that it would be alright , everything would be fine . But just as soon as it started , it left . She released and met his eyes . She lingered for a second and then went back into the room . Gardening didn � t go as well as his wife had planned . Rain off the coast made its way inland just as they were getting ready to open a bag of petunia seeds . In an effort to avoid the onslaught , they threw the pouch into the wheelbarrow and sprinted for the house . Unfortunately , they were not fast enough , and by the time they had arrived , they were soaked to the bone . Finding the moment hysterical , they laughed at each other . It was stupid , they knew , but what was life if one couldn � t take time to enjoy the little things , disregarding their status ? Without towels there was no way to dry off before venturing indoors , so instead , they stripped of all their clothes and went in with them slung frantically about their bare bodies and piled within their arms . They made the hike to the second floor and changed into something more comfortable . Jenna was finished before he was � which was actually shocking for a change � so she hurried back down to the kitchen to start a kettle of tea . As he sat up , a picture of his family at Islands of Adventure , one of Orlando , Florida � s best attractions , sitting on the nightstand drew his attention . They stood in front of The Hulk , his favorite roller coaster in the entire U . S . He smiled and did his best to stifle a laugh at the sight of his daughter , eleven at the time . If there was one food item his Emily couldn � t resist it was corndogs . She � d asked for one before they � d arrived at the ride and decided to take the picture , scarfing it down as if there were the chance it would retaliate if she was lax to finish it off . The aftermath of her battle , a scarlet ketchup stain on her right cheek , was present in the photo . It looked like she had accidently smeared her make - up ( she was going through that stage where a girl � s looks are never good enough , at least in her own mind ) before they had left the hotel that morning . He went to his dresser and dug out the rest of his clothes . When done , he ran downstairs to be met by the smell of a glass of hot , sweetened tea . She always kept the oven set to HIGH when she was making anything in the kettle , even when it was just water , so that it would be nice and hot in a matter of minutes . He joined her at the island , slipping two fingers into the ring on his coffee cup . He blew over the top of it to cool it off some and then took a swig . Jenna was watching him . He agreed and followed her out to the reclining deckchairs . They set their drinks onto the glass table between them . Observing the downpour , he saw that the grass was already filled with muddy rivers and puddles . An insect � s waterpark , he � d always called it . The wooden privacy fence had turned a darker shade , the bright blue of the pool was starting to fade , and all the bushes circling the yard slouched beneath the weight of the water . Even the flowers were bent forward a ways . It was the hardest shower L . A . had had in a long time . All because Mr . Nicholas mowed his lawn today , he thought , with a smile . He looked to his wife . She was hypnotized by the waterfall before her . He loved when she was like this because there was that glistening spark in her eyes that said , � Life is good . I � m so happy . � She had a glowing smile on her face , much like the one she � d had when he � d first talked to her at the concessions stand that day . Twenty - two years together , and she was still the same woman he had first met , aside from a bit of aging . There were stretch marks at the corners of her eye sockets , wrinkles beneath them and also above her brow , and she often struggled with dry skin . But aside from that , she was the same energetic , fun - loving girl he had fallen for . She still had that cute batch of freckles on the tip of her nose . Even covered in the folds of his old FSU t - shirt � a men � s Large which was far too big on her , someone who wore women � s Small � he was having trouble fighting the urge to just eat her up . A muffled hum came through the open door . It had traveled from the direction of the garage , which could be entered through a door between the kitchen and the stairs . That was where they kept all his tools ( he had a hobby of auto mechanics ) , his wife � s Honda , and the washer and dryer . It didn � t take him long to figure out that it was the dryer . There it was . He knew she wouldn � t be able to fight it for long . She always had that side to her that harbored shiploads of curiosity . The subject of his conversation with Dave had probably been gnawing at her the entire time . He pulled out the card and set it on the table . He � d had it in his other clothes but had taken it out before he � d changed . Now , he slid it to her . He looked at her . He had been watching a squirrel scamper across the top of the fence to find cover from the storm , but his wife � s response had caught him off guard . � Really ? � He couldn � t argue . She had him there . But it wasn � t that he didn � t believe . He knew Christ was there and that He was alive , and he had accepted Him because he knew that he needed Him in order to have true life . And God had already rewarded him for that , so what more was there ? She laughed . � If only it were that simple . Could you imagine leaving life to your feelings ? I always used to think about that when I was little . I mean , I even thought about it so much that I decided to test it out one day . � She was now staring off into the distance , much like Dave had done earlier . � Well , in order to leave life up to my feelings , I had to take it back from God . So , it didn � t go as well as one would � ve hoped . Don � t get me wrong , it was alright at first . I got up in the morning and felt like eating waffles , so I did . I � d toasted them before , so it wasn � t my first attempt . And my mother was fine with it . From there , though , it got crazy . I went to school and didn � t feel like doing my work . Instead , I sat there in class and nodded off , missing the lessons that day and getting yelled at by Mrs . Bakerley . Lastly , when we went out to recess ( this was second grade , I think ) , one of the more popular girls got on my nerves , and since I was acting on my feelings , I put my anger into action , hanging her from the monkey bars by her ponytails . � She grinned . � I don � t remember , but it was funny . At least , that � s what I thought at the time . It was shortly after that that I was sitting in Principal Dixon � s office with my legs crossed watching my mother hear about my misdeeds . I had never seen her so hurt before . There was a fire in her eyes that spoke of the incredible disappointment she was feeling . I had known immediately that what I had done was very , very bad . After receiving my punishment , I went straight home and gave the keys back to God . I never ever wanted to go through that again . � He remained silent . His wife was not one who was quick to anger , so this was something that was hard for him to picture . But there were always times in childhood when lessons had to be learned . He hoped that had been what she was trying to point out because , to him , her story had seemed pretty random . She turned to him . � The point is that God surpasses all . If we were all stupid enough to follow our feelings , we would miss out on the miracle of His grace and mercy and love . He is freedom , and giving Him control is not limiting ourselves to anything but , rather , opening ourselves up to everything . All things are possible through God , and if the world would realize that , I think it would become a much better place . And if you were smart , Marty , you would go to this study , regardless of your feelings . � Emily was standing on the small carpet at the threshold that said WELCOME on it . Her white , glittered blouse and purple skirt were sopping wet , no longer puffy and bouncing because of the water . They hung limp as if the life had been sucked out of them . And her beautifully braided hair was matted to her head , which he always thought was the cutest thing in the world . He followed the doctor � s advice . He sat in the room with her and his family for another hour or so answering her questions and explaining what her life had been like to this point . Emily took it all in and only cried a couple times . She had a strong heart and always would . That made him proud . Toward the end , she seemed groggy . Sleep was imminent , so he had the rest of the family step outside and waited while she reentered the land of dreams . He took a look at Carl and noticed that he was also tired . He asked Jenna to take him back home to rest . She fought him , of course , but after a while he was able to convince her to leave . He also persuaded his parents to go , promising them that he would watch over their granddaughter . Now , he sat in the chair beside his daughter � s bed caressing her unbroken hand . It was quiet and lonely , but he didn � t mind . It wasn � t until now that he began to realize how tired he really was , though . His eyelids became heavy and he wrestled with them to stay awake . It was exhaustion like he � d never seen . He began to experience the sensation where every noise , never mind its frequency , became audible . The tick - tock of the clock overhead sounded like drumbeats , the rolling of food carts became rockslides , and the prattling of hospital goers tarrying about outside the room became the ceaseless buzzing of swarming flies . To go along , every smell increased , whether they were pleasant scents or wretched odors . But the one he hated most was the nose - wrinkling smell of that pathetic rose . It made him cringe . Earlier , had it been any other occasion , he may have appreciated the smell . But with what had transpired , it was agonizing and caused him a migraine . With effort , he turned his head to see Dave standing in the doorway . He sat upright with the speed of light , shocked by the sight . Why was he here ? He was supposed to be hosting the bible study ? It seemed the man had on his Sunday best . The tan sports coat and red tie combination reminded him of baseball commentators ( � It � s high to the sky ! It may just have the distance ! It � s going and going ! It � s outta here ! � ) . He wasn � t one who usually fancied long sleeves , but he had to admit that Dave was made for them . The matching dress pants added to the image , making him far too spiffy for this place . It was sure to be the one other outfit that didn � t agree with him , besides his wife � s gardening wear . That same tattered brown bible was in his hand , the purple bookmark slithering out beneath the pages . There was something new , though : sticky notes with writing he couldn � t make out were stuck in different spots throughout the book . What were those for ? His neighbor looked grim . He shifted his eyes to Emily , and Marty was able to catch a glimpse of water just shy of spilling over the lids . His face had new wrinkles under his cheekbones , signifying stress . What had Dave so weighed down , he wanted to know . This was a man who lived for hardship because he found it to be God � s will , His way of strengthening one � s faith . Yet right now , he did not appear too thrilled with the burden he was bearing . He hadn � t even thought about that . He � d been so focused on Emily that there was no reason for him to be concerned about himself . She was all that mattered . It wasn � t fair for her to be bedridden like this , unable to do what a girl her age is meant to do : live . And though he didn � t want to , he couldn � t help but blame God . That � s where the frustration went . He was the cause . He made it happen . Marty sat in the first chair and watched the nurses work on . One stood by the copy machine beating it over and over as if brute force would make it cooperate . He was surprised when Dave trotted over and offered to help . Soon , he was digging around in the contraption until he had the paper realigned with the feeder . Such a simple fix , yet it had stumped the poor nurse . She thanked Dave , and he assured her that it was no problem before walking over and plopping himself in the other chair . That was Dave , someone ever so resembling the Good Samaritan . � The Bible tells us to � mourn with those who mourn � . Romans 12 : 15 . And I figured , who better to mourn with than someone who is not too right with Christ ? � It didn � t take a rocket scientist to realize that Dave was referring to him . He didn � t know why this upset him , but it did . What could he possibly be doing wrong ? � What are you talking about ? � Marty had no clue . He � d been friends with Dave for over five years , and the man had never told him of a previous marriage . This was the burden Dave had been carrying with him . Emily reminded him of his own daughter who had passed away . Seeing her in that bed brought back the pain and anguish that he had already suffered through once . His neighbor � no , his friend � stared off into the distance , something that had been going around a lot lately . � Her name was Carly . She was only four , but she was a fighter . Never in her short life had she ever let anyone give her any crap . � If they could give it , they would take it � seemed to be her motto . There was one day in preschool when she had literally broken an older boy � s arm . � He laughed at this . � I always thought the world of her , but now I realize that I should � ve been more a father and less a friend . � � We never knew . You know how cancer is : It just shows up without reason and without warning . The thing is , though , I was much like you at the time . I wanted to blame everything on God , every single dang thing . At last , something had caught up to her that she couldn � t fight off , and I was so mad , furious . There was one point where my face actually turned red , and I felt as if my blood had been replaced with boiling water . It wasn � t fair . It wasn � t right . But it was happening , all the same . Nothing I did would make time rewind . Nothing I tried would ever give me back the years I � d had with her . It had come to an end all too quickly . � She wasn � t Saved like I was . The pain became too much to bear , and instead of coming to me or someone else for help , she decided to take the quick way out . Somehow she had acquired a bottle of prescription drugs somewhere in the hospital , and the next thing I knew , some other women came across her body in the women � s restroom . Suicide . � Dave began to cry . � I had to bury my daughter and my wife in the same day . I was so distraught that no amount of comfort people gave me could make up for my loss . I was almost ready to give up myself when I met Martha � � his current wife � � at the church I was attending . She was the leader of the adult small group on Sundays , and she keyed in on me right away . ( Martha � s just one of those souls that can convince anyone of just about anything ; that � s what I love about her . ) Before long , she was talking me through my problems and explaining to me how God was always the answer . She showed me that I was lukewarm . � � In Revelation , God refers to those who misuse the gifts He has given them or don � t even use them at all as � lukewarm � , meaning that they are double dipping : they want to have a part in God � s story , but they also want to hold on to the things of the world rather than hand them over . He says that He would rather � spit � , or vomit , them out than waste His time on them any longer . He saw that I was becoming that and took one last effort to bring me back . The death of my family was used to wake me up and show me the error of my ways . I am saddened by it , but I also rejoice in my Father � s mercy . He rescued me like He does time and time again . � He stared hard into Marty . � I don � t know what you � ve done , Marty . I don � t know how you � ve been living your life , but God is not the reason for your problems . Dark things happen on this planet that can only be found as the work of sin . Ever since Adam and Eve ate of the tree , nothing has been the same because man has separated himself from the will of God and the fellowship thereof . We always fail to understand that God is freedom and the independence we have inhibits us from sharing in that freedom unless we confess our sins and turn back to Him . He does not cause the trials we face , but He is able to use them to open our eyes or strengthen our faith . It may seem unfair what is happening to Emily , but it is not her fault . I have prayed about this over and over again , and God has shown me that your denial of a relationship with Christ is the reason He is allowing this to happen . You have constantly decided to use what He has given you for your own pleasure instead of for His will and this is the last chance He is giving you . He wants you to surrender everything to Him and trust Him . � He smiled . � When all else fails , trust God . � He pondered that for a moment like an artist who had discovered an idea that was beyond perfect . � It would be a much better place if everyone followed that bit of wisdom . � Marty said nothing . A large pair of invisible hands had reached into his chest and begun to pry it open . He was breathing rapidly , and the floodgates were going to burst soon , he knew it . Dave was right , about everything . His father had said it was just an accident and that accidents meant no one was responsible , but somehow he knew that wasn � t true . He was responsible , just not how he had first thought . God was sending a message because every other attempt had just gone in one ear and out the other , and after this , there were no more chances . It was now or never , and never would have unimaginable consequences , he was sure . Droplets started dripping down his face . Soon , he was sobbing . He should � ve seen this coming . That passage in James he � d read was a warning . He could see that now . God had tried . He � d tried so hard . But Marty wouldn � t listen . He had to continue being the wealthy , stuck - up author he � d always been . Earn and spend . Earn and spend . That � s all it ever was with him . He � d never sat down and recognized that all the wealth he � d had was a gift from God . Like the rich man who went away sad when Jesus told him to let go of his wealth , he had done the same . God had been speaking loud and clear , yet he had refused to hear Him . Now , He was hitting him where it hurt . Dave was calm , through it all . It was apparent that this was not the first time he � d spoken this way with someone . He set his hand on Marty � s back and started to rub and massage . Marty paid no mind . The pain dragged in by awareness was too much . After allowing him some time to calm down , his neighbor said , � Why don � t you tell me what happened ? � Read more by clicking on a link : Free Reprints Main Site Articles Most Read Articles Highly Acclaimed Challenge Articles . New Release Christian Books for Free for a Simple Review . NEW - Surprise Me With an Article - Click here for a random URL God is Not Against You - He Came on an All Out Rescue Mission to Save You |
Samantha - Decision Time Instead of handing out serious punishment to Samantha , Renee , and Dwayne for their pranks , Dr . Ashworth put them to work . Speaking separately to Samantha , he suggested she should consider applying for a military academy . At first appalled by the idea she began to give it some serious thought . Despite Brian losing his life to an IED when he was really not cut out for military service , I couldn 't get the idea of going to an academy out of my head . It might have been that I was flattered by Principal Ashworth saying I was leadership material . I know that service was and is important to me . My parents - mostly my dad , of course - had drilled it into me all my life . I had to take the next step , at least finding out what was involved . The internet was a big help . The service academies had reams of information on their websites . Okay , that was both a blessing and a disadvantage . Wading through all that data gave me a pretty good picture of what I might be getting into , but it also ate up a lot of my time . I spent most of my free time for several days researching both the Naval Academy and the Air Force Academy . I know , Dad was an admiral , but I looked at the Air Force because I really liked the idea of becoming a pilot , and I figured that even between the Navy and the Marine Corp , the odds of becoming a flier were better with the Air Force - after all , that was their job . When I talked to Dad about it , he surprised me by suggesting I apply to both schools to increase my chances of being accepted . The remaining question was did I really want to go to an academy . I asked Mom and Dad to sit down with me to help me decide . We met around the kitchen table . She was frowning . " You were so upset when Brian died . Are you sure you want to put yourself in the same situation ? You 'd probably end up in a combat zone . " I considered that for a second . " If I 'm going into this business , I 'll serve where I 'm needed . The risks might be lower in the Navy or the Air Force , but I wouldn 't avoid duty on the ground or flying over either country . " Mom didn 't look happy with my response . I hadn 't thought about it until then , but I realized she was concerned about losing another child , me , to war . I spoke to her fear , " Mom , my risk would be really low . Women aren 't allowed in combat . Yes , if I get to fly , I might have to fly over places where fighting is going on - search and rescue , that sort of thing . I don 't know what kind of jobs I might end up with on the ground , but they would be away from the front line . " When we adjourned , I hadn 't come to a definite decision , but I was definitely leaning toward applying for an academy , either the Navy or the Air Force . I went up to my room to think about it some more . It may seem funny , but I kept thinking that a combat role was appealing . Was it the idea that women could serve but couldn 't fight that was challenging me ? I think that was what finally made my mind up . Author gordonsavage @ msn . comPosted on June 17 , 2017Leave a comment on Samantha - Decision Time Samantha - " The Suggestion " Dr . Ashworth had surprised everyone by recognizing the courage , responsibility , and integrity the three pranksters had shown when they stepped forward and admitted their part in the pranks taking place at the school . His punishment - being a teacher 's assistant instead of having study hall - was light enough that Samantha was looking forward to it . That is , until Ashworth pulled her and her family aside . When everyone else had left , Principal Ashworth gave the three of us a quick glance and settled on Dad . " I 'll be brief . I believe that Samantha has great leadership potential , but she needs discipline . I suggest you seriously consider having her apply for one of the military academies . I 'd be more than happy to write a letter of recommendation . " Dad turned and looked at me . He raised his eyebrows as if to ask what I thought of the idea . I 'm sure he was thinking of how I had reacted to Brian 's death . Was I willing to put my life on the line if need be ? That had to be my decision , and he knew it . He looked at me . I nodded . She was a petite black girl and faster than anyone else in the state . As a sprinter she set more than one high school record . We were both on the track team . I can remember cheering her home more than once . He added , " She was not only a champion athlete . She was clearly meant for a leadership role . I recommended she try out for one of the academies . She was accepted to the Air Force Academy and is there right now . From what I hear , she 's doing quite well . I believe you have that same quality . " When he put it that way , I felt complemented , but still … The best I could say was , " Thank you , sir . I 'll have to give that serious consideration . " Mom gave me a look that said , " Really ? " " I don 't know . At first blush I was ' You 've got to be kidding , ' and I couldn 't think of any other way to answer him . Now I 'm not so sure . Maybe I should give it some thought . " I didn 't know why but the irony appealed to me . " Thank you , sir . I appreciate that . " What was I doing ? Service , was that it ? Dad had always been all about service . Had his attitude worn off on me ? I thought about it all the way home . What was I going to do ? After what had happened to Brian , I should be terrified of going into any branch of the military - Okay , maybe not the Coast Guard . No , come to think of it , they could be on the front line for drug runners and terrorists . Yeah , I know , the " It 'll never happen to me " syndrome . It 's the reason smart people do stupid things , like smoking , or drinking and driving . So , if I signed up for an academy , would I be doing a stupid thing ? She agreed , " I know . I thought detention for sure for the rest of the year and maybe a delayed graduation . Scared the bejesus out of me , I 'll tell you . " I had gone in expecting the worst , so I was resigned . But I couldn 't say that to Renee . " It was scary for sure … Guess what Principal Ashworth had to say after you left . " The silence on the other end of the line only lasted for a couple of seconds . Then " What ! " exploded from the phone . " Are you going to do it ? " " I think you 're crazy for even considering it . " She was still loud . " You 're lined up to go to MIT . With your GPA you might even get a scholarship . " " MIT 's not exactly cheap , you know . Maybe with a scholarship , but I don 't want to get saddled with a humongous student loan . " I considered that . Another reason for a military academy : I 'd get paid instead of incurring a debt . That 's not quite true . Academy graduates have a service commitment , but if you 're in to serve , it 's just part of your service . I hadn 't actually made up my mind . There were too many factors that I didn 't know about . " It 's not a done deal yet . I have to do some research before I make a final decision . … This is all going too fast for me . " " Speaking of going too fast , this evening is going too fast . I still have work to do on an English paper . I 've got to get to it . Talk to you later , and seriously , good luck with whatever you decide . " Author gordonsavage @ msn . comPosted on June 6 , 2017Leave a comment on Samantha - " The Suggestion " Samantha - The Verdict Samantha had admitted to Dr . Ashworth that she had perpetrated several of the pranks that the detective had blamed Ingrid for . She tried to take full responsibility for them and keep Renee and Dwayne out of it , but they both showed up and admitted their parts . Ashworth had Ms . Farrow call their parents . The first thing I thought of was being thankful that Dad was at work . I wondered if any of Renee 's or Dwayne 's parents were home at this time of day . I guessed we 'd find out soon enough . Principal Ashworth pointed us to the benches in the reception area . " While we 're contacting your parents , you can sit over there . " He ushered us out of his office and closed the door . We sat and looked at each other , wondering what was going to happen . I realized that he hadn 't said we couldn 't talk , but I figured it would be safer to keep it quiet . I leaned toward Dwayne and Renee and spoke as quietly as I could , " Thanks , guys . That took guts . " Dwayne retorted softly , " What you did took guts . We just figured Dr . Ashworth would worm it out of you eventually , and we 'd be better off telling him ourselves . That doesn 't look like it made a whole lot of difference to him . " He nodded toward the closed door . We sat in silence for an indefinite time . I could swear I heard to class change bells , although I know it wasn 't that long . I think we were all stewing over what type of disastrous punishment was coming our way considering that Ashworth had planned to suspend Ingrid for the rest of the semester . I had done the right thing , but it broke my heart to see tears running down Renee 's face . I wrapped my arms around her and let her bury her face in my shoulder . Finally , Ashworth opened his door and walked over to us . " Not unexpectedly , your parents were unable to get here right away . So you three have a few hours to think about what you 've done . Then you will return with your parents when they come in at 7 : 00 p . m . this evening . Now , Ms . Farrow will provide you notes for your teachers and you will rejoin your classes . " I stumbled through a clumsy explanation of what had been going on and went to my room without being told . I sat down at my desk but left the computer off . It was all I could do to keep from bawling . I realized that I had jeopardized not only my own chances at a good college but also Renee 's and Dwayne 's . Worse , I knew I had to face Dad , and that scared me more . He surprised me when he got home . He apparently talked to Mom before coming up to my room . He knocked on the closed door . " Samantha , may I come in ? " He stopped about arm 's length in front of me . Astonishingly , he wasn 't scowling . Instead , he merely looked concerned . " So you 've really gotten yourself in a fix . Contrary to the Klingon saying , ' Revenge is a dish best served cold , ' revenge is not something to serve at all . It only brings more trouble with it . I hope you can see that now . " He sat down on the bed and patted beside him . I joined him . " I 'm sorry , Daddy . I truly am … more for the trouble I got Renee and Dwayne in than for what might happen to me . " A faint smile flickered on his face . " That 's the reason I 'm not yelling at you , sweet heart . You did the right thing by admitting your fault instead of leaving Ingrid blamed with what you did , and I was especially proud to hear that you tried to take full responsibility . I 'll see if there is any way to minimize the repercussions when we meet with your principal tonight . " We suffered through dinner in silence . I had absolutely no interest in eating . I simply shoved my food around on my plate . Mom kept looking at me without saying anything . Nelson watched me too . He started to ask a question , but Mom shushed him . At last it was time to go back to school . We met the Williams and the Lindquists at the steps to the main entrance . Mr . Lindquist frowned and growled , especially when he looked at either me or Dwayne . Mrs . Williams had tears in her eyes . Mr . Williams seemed to be dealing with it unemotionally . And Mrs . Lindquist kept cringing away from her husband as he ranted . He led us to the lunchroom . I hadn 't thought of it until then , but there was nowhere near enough room for all of us in his office . To my surprise all three home room teachers were in the lunch room , and they were all smiling . Were they there to enjoy hearing our punishment ? Ashworth had the parents and teachers sit down and left the three of us standing . He took a position in front of everyone . " Ladies and Gentlemen , I have a few words to say . " He beckoned Dwayne , Renee , and me to join him . Her it comes , I thought . He cleared his throat . " These young people have presented me with a conundrum . They performed a number of shenanigans over the past month or so . A detective I hired found evidence that Ingrid Hoffman had perpetrated the bulk of them , and I made ready to exact a suitable punishment on her . While I was doing so I apologized to Miss Pederson for having accused her of one of the pranks . This afternoon Miss Pederson came to me and admitted to a number of the tricks that Miss Hoffman was purported to have engineered . " He looked around the room . " She also told me that she accepted full responsibility for those pranks . However , these two " - He pointed toward Renee and Dwayne . - " came into my office unbidden and admitted to assisting her . " Once again he paused . " Technically I have every right and perhaps an obligation to punish them severely . " He peered at me as if he was thinking in terms of fifty years to life . " But a funny thing happened . As this all came together I understood why it had all happened . I 've been a martinet and a pompous ass . " He let that soak in . My mind was spinning . What was going on here ? He continued , " The stunt Miss Pederson engineered at the football game thoroughly embarrassed me . I was so angry I would have gladly throttled the culprit . But when I faced that culprit and her laudable defense of someone who had caused her great pain and discomfort - and then her co - conspirators came to her defense , I began to realize what this was all about . I at least bore some of the responsibility for what had happened , and these three young people hadn 't done anything that really harmed anyone , not even me . I was embarrassed because of my own arrogance . " Ashworth faced the three of us . " That 's my conundrum . They did cause several disturbances , and they shouldn 't get off scot - free . On the other hand the responsibility they showed needs to be recognized . I want them on my team . Therefore , I 've established a new position for this school . The three of them will be assigned to serve as teachers assistants in place of study hall for the remainder of the school year . Miss Pederson will help Mrs . Cable , Miss Williams will help Ms . Foy , and Mr . Lindquist will help Mr . Yoshimoto . " I knew what the punishment was . We couldn 't schedule last period study hall and leave school early . But compared to what he could have done to us , it would be painless and might actually be fun . I almost smiled . Ashworth looked at our parents . " Kids will sometimes get into trouble . That 's life . You should all be proud of the responsibility and integrity your children have shown . I consider this matter closed … and please keep my admission to being a pompous ass to yourselves . " He turned to me . " Miss Pederson , could I speak to you and your parents before you leave ? I have one last - call it ' suggestion . ' " Author gordonsavage @ msn . comPosted on June 2 , 2017Leave a comment on Samantha - The Verdict Samantha - Coming Clean Of all things , the inept detective had gotten one thing right . Ingrid had painted the graffiti on the school . That relieved Samantha immensely , but it didn 't last . He had also blamed Ingrid for the other pranks , and Dr . Ashworth had accepted that as fact . The more Samantha thought about it the more it made her feel guilty , especially since Ashworth was going to suspend Ingrid . Samantha 's moral code wouldn 't let her just walk away . She informed Dwayne and Renee that she was going to take sole responsibility for the pranks she was involved with . Here I was standing across the counter from Ms . Farrow again . This time I was in real trouble . It seemed odd that she had actually smiled at me and seemed to think Principal Ashworth would be pleased to talk to me . I doubted it very much . To tell the truth I expected to be raked over the proverbial coals . My knees went weak , and sweat formed on my forehead . I wished there were something to hold onto as I walked to his door . I stopped barely outside the door and stood there paralyzed . I realized I was slouching and straightened my back . My voice seemed to be coming from someone else . " No sir , it 's something I need to take care of . " My voice speeded up as if of its own accord . I reeled of the list of pranks I had been involved with , starting with the broadcast booth incident . " Sir , Ingrid had nothing to do with those . I take full responsibility for them . … " A tear ran down my cheek . He leaned back in his chair and interlaced his fingers over his stomach . His expression was bland , almost as if he hadn 't heard me . I kept waiting for the explosion , but he sat in silence . Finally he leaned forward . " You realize that stunt with the broadcast booth was one of the most embarrassing experience I 've ever had ? " He studied me for what seemed like forever , that same bland expression on his face , and my heart kept sinking the whole time . Finally , he spoke . " Miss Pederson , you have presented me with quite a conundrum . " - I did a quick check of my mental dictionary : a complex puzzle . - " First of all , you deliberately played a malicious prank on me . Then you had the courage to come forward when someone else was blamed for it . Moreover , that person had deliberately placed the blame for a prank she did on you . And I took her planted evidence over your word . " " I see . " He frowned slightly . " In other words you thought what I had done to you warranted your actions . " He didn 't say it as a question , but he seemed to be waiting for a response . " I was angry . I had been blamed for something I hadn 't done , and my word had been doubted . Sir , I was brought up to believe that I should never tell a lie , and I don 't . " Again he frowned slightly . " For that I apologize . But there is another point . I noted that you said you take full responsibility . Some of your pranks appeared to require more than one person . Did you have help ? " There it was . Was he going to keep pressing the issue of my helpers or would it stop with my admission there were others ? Still , I wasn 't going to lie . " Sir , I 'd rather not answer that . " " Ah , but I must know your answer . Of course , the fact that you don 't want to answer clearly implies you 're protecting someone else . " His eyes bored into me . Principal Ashworth and I both looked at the door . Dwayne came through first , and Renee followed . Dwayne stopped on my right , and Renee stopped on my left . They both stood at a rigid attention . Dwayne was first to speak . " Sir , Samantha didn 't do all of the practical jokes she 's admitting to by herself . We helped . " I could have kissed him . Author gordonsavage @ msn . comPosted on May 23 , 2017Leave a comment on Samantha - Coming Clean Samantha - Dilemma Samantha had told Dr . Ashworth that his detective was not only inept but was actually encouraging pranks because the pranksters were treating him as a challenge . Instead of blowing a fuse , Ashworth seemed to like the information . It gave him an excuse to fire a buffoon who obviously wasn 't getting the job done . She was hoping that was the end of it when Ashworth pulled her aside after class . I hoped my sudden anxiety didn 't show . I was afraid any reason Principal Ashworth might have for wanting to talk to me wasn 't going to be favorable . I joined him out of the flow of students rushing to their lockers . " Yes , sir ? " " I want to thank you again for informing me of Mr . LeClerc 's unintended influence on the tomfoolery going on around the school . " He looked around as if to make sure no one was in hearing distance . " When I approached him to let him go , he had prepared a final report . He had identified the kingpin who was responsible for starting this nonsense . " He didn 't seem to notice me holding back . " Ingrid Hoffman , " he continued , " According to what LeClerc heard students saying early in his investigation , Miss Hoffman painted the graffiti on the front of the building and followed up with several other practical jokes before I hired a private detective . " He paused . " It appears I owe you an apology . I trusted Miss Hoffman when she accused you of spreading rumors about Mrs . Finch and Mr . Browning and was biased to believe her accusation that you had done the graffiti . " So she was the one . I shook my head . " I don 't know . Wanting her to be harshly punished merely seems vindictive to me I guess . And that 's not me . I mean , wouldn 't that make it hard for her to graduate with the rest of the class ? " He seemed to think about what I said before he said , " Well , in that case I may reconsider my position . Thank you , Miss Pederson . " He turned and walked away , leaving me standing there with my mouth open . " I don 't know . You and I both know she didn 't have anything to do with our practical jokes . " I paused . I had finally realized that Ingrid was getting blamed for what I had done , I and Renee and Dwayne . I whispered , " Oh my god . " I didn 't respond . I was too deep in thought . Principal Ashworth was going to punish Ingrid for what the three of us had done on top of what she had done . That wasn 't right , and it wasn 't fair . I had to clear her of our pranks . I mumbled , " I 've got to do something . " That hit me like a blow to the solar plexus . I couldn 't tell if she was serious , but it shocked me into thinking some more . I looked around to see if Dwayne remained in the dwindling crowd of students . I spotted him talking to a couple of the members of the basketball team . I grabbed Renee 's arm and pulled her with me . " Come . " I scanned the area to make sure no one was approaching . Then I told him what I thought the problem was . He nodded and asked , " What do you propose to do about it ? " " I 've been struggling with that . Renee " - I nodded at her - " suggested confessing . I don 't know how serious she was , but I can 't think of anything better . " He scowled . " Better than volunteering to be punished ? Letting it be comes to mind . After all , if she hadn 't framed you for the graffiti , none of this would have happened . " I had expected something like this . I pressed the point . " But that would mean letting Ingrid be punished for what we did . Would that be right ? " Renee joined the discussion . " I feel really bad about this , but if Ashworth was going to suspend Ingrid , wouldn 't he do the same thing to us ? I vote for letting it be . " I couldn 't accept that . I had one last card to play . " Look , I understand where you 're coming from , but I consider this my responsibility . I can 't let it go . Here 's what I propose : I 'll go by myself and accept full responsibility for the pranks we pulled . If he asks me who else was involved , I 'll tell him it was all my fault and no one else needs to be punished . " Author gordonsavage @ msn . comPosted on May 17 , 2017Leave a comment on Samantha - Dilemma Samantha - Convincing Ashworth The student council meeting had approved a motion to put up flyers around the school and pass them out to every student . A committee was formed to prepare the flyer and given a short fuse for getting it done . O ' Connor , as the president got the job of reporting the decision to Ashworth . Ashworth wasn 't receptive , sending the council back to the drawing board . Samantha offered another proposal . How did I let myself get roped into this ? I wondered . Actually I knew . O ' Connor had tried to get school funds to pay for the flyers the student council was supposed to put out . We could have used someone 's home printer or gotten a shop to do it , but no one wanted to cough up the money to pay for it . We all thought it was a school problem , and , therefore , the school should pay . Of course , Principal Ashworth objected . His rational was the school was short on funds , which may or may not have been true . Personally , I thought it was because he didn 't want to publicize that the school had a problem , and our flyers would invariably get out in the public . O ' Connor had tried his best to convince him , and when that failed I got elected because I had the most convincing argument . Now I was standing across the counter from Ms . Farrow . " Let me understand this , Miss Pederson . You want to talk to Dr . Ashworth about the pranks . Are you admitting to doing them ? " I didn 't say anything . I think she read my face and saw the anger there . Yes , I was responsible for some of the better shenanigans , but I wasn 't about to admit to them . I was angry because of the tendency to blame me for just about anything unfortunate that happened that year , and I still wondered if Ingrid Hoffman hadn 't started a rumor or suggested I was a trouble maker . She glared at me before walking to her desk and keying the intercom . " Miss Pederson to see you , sir . She claims to have an answer for the pranks . " There was a pause . Then I heard Ashworth 's voice in the tinny tone of the ancient intercom . He sounded weary and resigned . " Send her in , but she 'd better not be wasting my time . " He didn 't bother to get up when I came through the door . " What do you have to say , Miss Pederson ? And please make it brief . " I got straight to the point . " As you know , the practical jokes have become increasingly frequent recently . In talking to other students I 'm hearing that your inept detective is the main cause . Most everyone I know calls him Sheerluck Jones and says that the pranksters are competing by challenging him with their tricks … " " As I said , he 's inept . He 's obviously not a real cusodian , and his questions are inappropriate for a cusodian . He has to be authorized to be in the building , so you have to know he 's here and not legitimate . Ergo , you must have hired him . No one else would be interested in finding out who the jokers are and have the authority to get him in here . Besides , his secretary told us he is working for you . " " Sir , the solution is simple . Get rid of him . It 'll stop the competition . I won 't guarantee it will stop all the tricks , but it should keep them from getting out of hand and getting somebody hurt . " I almost couldn 't believe it . I swear I could see the light go on . He actually relaxed . He was silent for a moment . Then he smiled at me . I think that scared me more than being taken to the police station . " Thank you , Miss Pederson . I 'll have to seriously consider your advice . " As soon as I walked into the library , I was surrounded . " How 'd it go ? " " Did he buy it ? " " Did we get the money for the flyers ? " When we arrived , I gave a detailed briefing of what had happened . I finished with , " I don 't know how to read Principal Ashworth , but what I suggested seemed to make him happy . I suspect he was tired of throwing money away on Sheerluck . " Author gordonsavage @ msn . comPosted on May 9 , 2017Leave a comment on Samantha - Convincing Ashworth Samantha - Council Meeting The prank at the football game had been a tremendous success . It even made the TV news . Samantha had set high expectations , and she had unintentionally recruited a team for more mischief . It didn 't take them long to find out that publishing a website was out of their league , but wiring a cheap CB radio into the school public address was easy . To keep it unexpected but frequent they tuned it to channel 19 , at the time one of the most popular . The first transmission was received during second period , and others occurred sporadically during the rest of the day . By the time the public address repairman showed , it was after lunch and even the pranksters were tired of the interruptions . Other pranks included coloring the shrubbery with a water soluble red paint , spraying the corridors with fake spider webs , putting vinegar in the lunchroom drink dispenser , and other harmless monkeyshines . The police weren 't interested since no one was being hurt , but Principal Ashworth hired a private detective to find the culprits . He turned out to be as ineffective as Inspector Clouseau or Sherloque Tanney . Keeping ahead of the detective , Sheerluck Jones , became a game in itself . Unfortunately , other people joined the game and started playing pranks on their own . I could see what was coming , so I got together with Dwayne and Renee to decide what to do about it . We sat down together in the Exchange snack bar after school . I went right to the heart of the matter . " I think it 's time to get out of the prank business . " I had expected a " What ? Why ? " from either Dwayne or Renee , but they both nodded their heads . Dwayne spoke first . " This could get nasty in a hurry . Do you think a police investigation would lead to us ? " Renee laughed . " I 'm not so sure we started it . Sheerluck 's bumbling is what made it fun and got others involved … Do either of you know who started that nickname ? " Dwayne surprised us with an answer . " Locally , no , but it came from a derogatory name applied to a DC comic character … Getting back to the issue at hand , this is a student issue and needs to be handled by the Student Council . Someone who is obviously alert to the problems this can cause needs to bring it up at the next meeting . I 'm already on the council so it should be one of you . I can back you up when the discussion gets underway . " I glanced at Renee who was looking at her hands . I said , " I started this whole thing , so I guess it 's my responsibility . " Renee looked relieved . " I have one problem … I don 't lie . If they ask me what I know about what 's happening , well , I 'm not sure how to address that . " Renee blanched . Dwayne said , " I agree it should be you . You 'll have to take charge and steer the conversation - aggressively . Make sure it never gets around to what you know about it . Better yet , start off with what you know about the other pranksters but don 't tie it to anything we 've done . " I thought about that for a few seconds . " Maybe I could compare what might happen to one of our weaker attempts , say painting the shrubs . That way there wouldn 't be any obvious holes . " From what I understood the Student Council meetings were rarely attended by anyone but the council . When I walked in to the room , people were already standing along the walls . Bill Compton had a seat in the front row . When I walked by he stood up . " Looking for a seat , Sam ? You can have mine . " O ' Connor started to say something that began with an indignant " How … ? " and then stopped . He changed directions . " Does anyone here know what this important subject is ? " He looked around the room . No hands went up . He looked at the members of the council . Dwayne frowned and looked at me , but no one else responded . Then , as O ' Connor started to say something , I realized this was my turn staring me in the face . I rose to my feet . " I know what it is . " " I don 't know if you 've noticed , but the pranks are getting more dangerous . I mean hiding all the toilet paper in the girls ' locker room was annoying but no one got hurt by it . Someone deliberately blocked the doors to the gym the other day . Glenn Reiser and Andy Carpenter both hit he doors so hard when they raced out of the gym that they were woozy and had to be helped to their feet . Luckily neither was seriously injured , but they could have been . " " I 'm not arguing that , but the situation was dangerous . Someone could have been hurt . That 's what is important . Whoever blocked the door would have been more at fault than Glenn or Andy . Those doors have panic bars for a reason - so no one gets crushed if a crowd tries to get through them in a panic . " O ' Connor stood there open mouthed . I can still remember how funny he looked . Fortunately , Dwayne came to the rescue . " Walt , why don 't we get a consensus of the students in the room and see how important this is to them ? That way we 'll know how to proceed . " It was a totally new idea since there had never been a group this large at a council meeting . O ' Connor jumped on it . Before the meeting was over , the council had agreed to take action to shut down the pranks . They recruited a committee from the students in the room to create posters urging a stop to the shenanigans , and another group to urge Principal Ashworth to fire his inept PI , and finally , as the council 's most outspoken member , O ' Connor took on the task of putting together a short announcement on the public address . Author gordonsavage @ msn . comPosted on May 1 , 2017Leave a comment on Samantha - Council Meeting Samantha - Co - conspirators For those of you who are just joining this blog , it 's a character study of the protagonist , Samantha Pederson , for my next book , Antimatter ( working title ) . She tells about her life starting just before she turns 16 and follows the events that shape her personality up till her current involvement in a government organization that researches technical development for potential threats to our security . In the previous episode Samantha had pulled off an elaborate prank on Principal Ashworth , but as careful as she had been about hiding her involvement , someone had called her on it . My mind screamed , No way anyone could know what I did . Forcing a what - are - you - talking - about expression , I turned on the bench to face my accuser . " Dwayne ! " I was dumbfounded . I sat there with my mouth open . Dwayne filled the silence . " Hey , your secret 's safe with me . " He glanced at Renee . I couldn 't help myself , I looked at her too . A puzzled expression on her face , Renee asked , " What are you looking at me for ? I don 't even know what you 're talking about . What secret ? " Renee wasn 't slow , and I could see the realization dawning on her face . " You mean you … ? You set off that awful noise . But … but how ? " We all scanned the bleachers around us . No one was near enough to hear us . It was one of those years for the team , so bad the attendance was always low . I returned my gaze to Renee . I wasn 't about to acknowledge what I did , even by acquiescence unless I had her word she wouldn 't tell . He shrugged . " From what little I know of you , you 're not the type to let someone wrong you and get away with it , and it was pretty clear you thought Ashworth was deliberately after you . I have to agree with you . " " Wait . You didn 't actually know I had something to do with this ? So you tricked me into admitting … " My anger flared . If he hadn 't been out of reach , I don 't know what I would have done . He nodded . " As long as no one actually gets hurt . It looks like fun , and he 's pissed off enough people with the way he runs the school . He needs some retaliation . " Dwayne 's eyebrows rose . The police incident wasn 't common knowledge . Right then it occurred to me that our run in with the police might be why Ashworth was down on me . I had to say something to Dwayne . " It wasn 't anything . I played a prank on a couple of cops . They took us to jail to scare us . " It took me all of ten minutes to outline what I had done . Dwayne commented , " You realize this may be your crowning achievement . It 's going to be awfully hard for us to top it . " Something about that statement irritated me , but I couldn 't tell what at the time . The game should have been called at half - time . Our team was so far behind , the other team could have gone home and we still wouldn 't have caught up by the end of the game . Even the most loyal fans were streaming out of the stadium . Heck , Ashworth had gone silent . I nodded and climbed to my feet . At the same time I felt some resentment . Dwayne was taking over my revenge effort . I didn 't want to discourage him , but I wanted to make sure he knew I was in charge . Baskin - Robbins was filled when we got there , so we had to stand in line . By the time we had gotten our ice cream , a table had cleared out , so Renee and I grabbed it and left Dwayne to pay for our orders . Renee took a window seat and I took the outside seat opposite her to see what Dwayne would do . He took the window seat next to me . I nodded . " ' Fraid so … however , we could always start a new website and post unflattering stuff there . I bet we could get a domain name that people would check out because it looks so much like the school 's . " I considered for a second . " I tell you what , Renee . Why don 't you research the ramifications ? I want to cause Ashworth discomfort , not get him in legal trouble . " I glanced at Dwayne . I had managed to take control of the group , and he didn 't seem to mind . I didn 't realize at the time I had driven a wedge between us . Author gordonsavage @ msn . comPosted on April 26 , 2017Leave a comment on Samantha - Co - conspirators Samantha - The Joke The scare she had gotten , along with her counselor 's questions , had Samantha thinking about backing out of her plan to play practical jokes on Ashworth . Was it worth the risk ? Did he really deserve it ? On the other hand would it do him any harm ? She finally decided to go ahead with the plan but to be ready to pull out at the slightest hint she might be caught . Saturday morning I got up early . I had already told everyone I was going for a fifteen mile run and I was going to get an early start . Donning my running gear , I made my way down stairs as quietly as I could . Not that I was being secretive - well , maybe a little , but I didn 't want to wake anyone . I stopped in the garage to work on the clock radio . It was a quick operation . To verify that the alarm would go off when it was supposed to , I tuned to a local country station and set the alarm for two minutes . That worked , so I set the alarm for when I knew Principal Ashworth would be at the microphone . Checking that the clock was set to the correct time , I pulled the radio 's plug and waited impatiently for five minutes before plugging it back in . The radio 's time matched my watch to the second . I got a shock when I heard Mom coming down the stairs . She said , " Have a good run . I 'll fix you breakfast when you get home . When will that be ? " I swallowed hard to get rid of the shakiness in my voice . " It 's fifteen miles , and I 'll be taking it easy . Probably around two hours . I 'll call if I 'm going to be later than that . " The run to school was easy . As usual the back gate to the football field was open . I took a lap around the track , primarily to see if anyone else was there . I didn 't expect to see anyone at this hour , but I wanted to be sure . It was all clear , so I made my way around to the back of the stands and entered the bleachers through a tunnel . I jogged up the stairs to the broadcast booth . Doing some simple stretching as cover , I made another check for possible observers . This check was critical , and I was as thorough as I could be . I still saw no one . Taking a last look , I unlocked the booth and slipped inside . It only took a few minutes to set the radio up . I connected it to the amplifier with the audio cord I had attached to the speaker terminals on the circuit board , turned off the mute switch for the input channel I was using , and adjusted the volume slide to match the slide for the microphone . Finally , since the radio would only buzz if it was on battery power , I plugged it into the socket behind the amplifier . Crawling out from under the announcer 's counter , I heard a voice . A chill ran down my back , freezing me in place . The sound was coming from the field . I eased up until I could see the track out the window . A couple , obviously not high school students , was trotting around the track , jabbering away at each other as they ran . When they started their second lap , I knew I had a problem . How long would they stay around ? Would someone else come before they left ? I didn 't recognize either of them , so they probably wouldn 't recognize me . Deciding I couldn 't afford to wait , I slipped out of the booth and locked it . When the runners had their backs to the tunnel , I flipped my hood up and trotted down the stairs , keeping a wary eye on them . I ducked into the tunnel , and the stands gave me cover all the way to the south end of the stadium . I waited for the couple to pass the end of the stands on their next lap . Then I slipped around to the front . They weren 't looking back , so I ran for all I was worth onto the field and out the back gate , keeping the back of my hood toward them . I was three blocks away before I could glance back and relax . The kickoff for the football game was at 2 : 05 PM , but I was there half an hour early to be sure I could see Principal Ashworth when he came out of the booth . Renee came in just before the game started , and when I waved at her , she joined me . " I didn 't know you were a football fan , " she said as she sat down beside me . The game was a disaster from the start . Our team got the ball first . Bill Compton was sharp as the quarterback , but the receivers dropped his passes and the runners seemed to mostly hit brick walls . They had only made twenty yards before they had to punt , and fifteen of those were from a penalty . Mike Clemens , the punter , got off a terrific kick , and Lamar Stevens downed the ball at the two yard line . Then all hell broke loose . Principal Ashworth was just celebrating the play , when the radio alarm went off . A country song blared from the speakers . It was so loud it distorted into something incomprehensible , and people were slapping their hands over their ears . Apparently Principal Ashworth didn 't know about the mute switches on the amplifier because the music dropped to a still - distorted but tolerable level and everyone could hear him swearing . He turned out to know some pretty colorful phrases to use when he was angry . Parents who had been holding their own ears started holding their children 's ears . With a final burst of profanity the noise abruptly cut off , all of it . A little later the sound system came back on , and a subdued Principal Ashworth spoke . " Ladies and gentlemen , I must apologize for what happened , especially my outburst . It was unprofessional and I sincerely apologize . Someone rigged a radio into the sound system and set it off with a timer . We 'll find out who is responsible for this prank and make sure they are duly reprimanded . … Officials , you may resume the game . " Knowing I was about to be exposed , I watched in horror as the door knob turned . I almost didn 't hear the other voice my heart was beating so loudly . " I wouldn 't worry about it . Whoever 's working in there has a key . " The knob stopped . The door was still closed . I held my breath . A person in here on legitimate business would respond to what was going on . I lowered my voice as much as I could . " Hey , thanks for the concern . I 'll be a while longer . " I prayed they didn 't hear the tremor in my voice or recognize it . Relief swept over me , and I slumped against the wall . I sat there for the longest time , waiting for the shakes to subside . I wondered if I was really cut out for this . If I was going to do this , I couldn 't put it off . The game next Saturday was the last home game of the season , and the team wouldn 't be in the playoffs . This would be my last chance . I kept thinking I needed a co - conspirator , someone to watch out for me . However , I was willing to take responsibility for my own actions , but I couldn 't be responsible for getting someone else in trouble . … Well , maybe Ingrid Hoffman , but that was another matter entirely . Finally my shaking subsided enough that I was willing to get up . I was finished with this reconnaissance . I eased the door open a crack and looked out . When I didn 't see anybody I opened it far enough that I could look around . I didn 't hear anyone or see anyone . I slipped out and closed the door . Making sure one more time that no one could see me , I locked the door and pocketed the key . Then I heard someone coming up one of the tunnels . I moved to the opposite stairs and headed down to that tunnel . I managed to reach it and duck inside before the other person came out . I suddenly grasped the disadvantage of being a red - head and trying to be sneaky . All the way home I questioned my resolution to carry out this prank . I had expected it to be a rush , but all I had felt while almost being found out was fright . I wished desperately that I had someone I could talk to about it . If Brian were still alive … No , I wasn 't going to go there . It had to be me and me alone … or did it ? Mom was seeing a grief counselor , and it seemed to be working . They 'd offered me counseling too , but I had wanted to hurt then . Now I didn 't . Maybe a counselor could tell me if pranks were my way of dealing with the hurt that was still there . I doubted they would condone the pranks , but maybe there was something else I should be doing . I was able to see my counselor at her office on Thursday . Olivia , a strikingly pretty , short brunet , appeared to be young , somewhere in her twenties I guessed . She wore a frilly white blouse and a black skirt short enough to have distracted a man as she sat with her legs crossed . I had other things on my mind . She listened to me whine about Brian 's death . Then she asked me , " So what are you doing about it ? " I thought about her question for a moment . What was I doing about my grief ? I didn 't know . Maybe simply hoping it would fade away with time . " As far as I know I haven 't done anything . " She templed her fingers in front of her face , touching her lips with her finger tips . " The responses to loss differ for everyone because there is no such thing as a typical loss . Each individual grieves in their own way just as they live their own lives distinctly . We speak of five stages of grief , denial , anger , bargaining , depression and acceptance , but how we deal with each stage is intensely personal . Not everyone goes through them the same way nor do they necessarily go through all of them . There is no universal right way . From what you 've said to me , I 'd say you have worked your way through your version of denial and anger , but you seem to have skipped bargaining and gone directly to depression . There is nothing wrong with that . That 's just your unique way of dealing with grief . " I hesitated . It was time to get to the point . I wasn 't sure I wanted to trust someone else with what I was preparing to do , but I was talking to her now to get this out of my system . Should I be plotting out these devious pranks ? Would they do me any good in relieving my grief ? I couldn 't put it off ; I had to tell her what I had in mind . I spilled everything , including nearly being caught in the booth . " And you want me to tell you if you 're doing the right thing ? " She paused . " You realize I can 't do that . Let me ask you this , do you believe you 'll get some kind of satisfaction out of pulling of outrageous pranks and getting away with it ? " She frowned a little as if she were considering what I said . " As a general rule getting even is rarely effective . On the other hand , if you were doing it for fun , it might relieve some of your stress . " " Okay , let 's say I 'm doing it for fun . What about that ? " I pressed for a commitment from her . Should I do it or not ? She peered at me for a few seconds before answering . " Look , I can 't solve your problem for you . The best I can do is tell you what I think . You have to decide what to do . " She surprised me . Instead of answering with something about making my own decision , she answered my question . " I 'd go for it - as long as nobody would get hurt . " " I 'll tell you what , go ahead with your prank and tell me next week how it felt . " She walked to the door to let me out . " I 'll see you next Thursday . " |
The first three chapters It was 9 : 30 in the morning . Ben Taylor sat by a swimming pool , his feet dangling in the water . Ben 's head rested on his clenched fists . His brilliant green eyes were closed . His unruly dark brown hair had not been brushed . Anyone who looked closely could see that Ben was trembling . At any moment the Physical Education teacher would call Ben 's name . Phil Tanner expected Ben to jump into the swimming pool , do the front crawl to the other side , and return with a backstroke . Ben was not sure he could even stay afloat , let alone do two different strokes across the width of the pool . The request that he swim across the pool was not unreasona - ble . Ben had been taking swim lessons for three months with his grade nine class . Not that Ben attended very many classes . He usually found some excuse . For a couple of weeks , he had a sniffle that turned into a raging cold just in time for the swim lesson . For a couple of weeks , he sported a thick bandage on his big toe . It covered a scratch , but only Ben and his roommate Denzel Carter knew the truth . Another week he managed to see a dentist when he should have been in the pool . Then the excuse was a sprained ankle . It was a legitimate excuse - he had suffered a mild sprain ; however , Ben 's limp was much worse when it was time for swim class . Ben 's excuse this week was that he could not find his bathing suit . This excuse had worked once before , but this time Phil Tanner was prepared . Tanner handed Ben a suit left behind by a previous student : a student three times Ben 's size . " Allison Sims , " Phil Tanner called . The girl sitting next to Ben slid into the pool . Ben 's mouth went dry . He clenched his hands even tighter , but they still shook . Taylor followed Sims on Phil Tanner 's list of students . " Well done , " Phil Tanner said as Allison gracefully slid out of the water to sit beside Ben once again . She rubbed water out of her blue eyes and looked at Ben with concern . Ben 's eyes remained closed . Allison took one of her copper colored braids in each hand , leaned towards Ben and squeezed . Ben jerked away as cold water hit his shoulder . Ben said nothing . He was normally tongue tied around Allison , but always worked hard to come up with a witty response . This time he did not even try . His thoughts were consumed with what he would do when his name was called . He was desperate to find an excuse , any excuse to stay out of the water . Ben jumped and immediately knew it was a mistake . He sank like a stone . He came up spitting water , his arms and legs thrashing . Ben 's frantic movement took him slowly forward in the required direction . For a moment Ben had some small hope that he might actually get to the other side . Then the bathing suit slipped down over his bum . Ben grabbed for the suit , but it was impossible to keep his head above water with only one hand free to dog paddle . So Ben did what any sensible person would do . He let go . The swimsuit slid further down and Ben quickly learned it is impossible to kick your legs with a swimsuit wrapped around your knees . Staying afloat demanded that he kick so Ben decided to retrieve the suit after all . Mustering his courage , he bent into the water and reached towards his knees . It is a simple fact that when one part of the body goes down , another part rises up . None of the eight girls and ten boys missed the fact that Ben mooned them . They pointed , hooted , giggled , hollered , and laughed out loud . Ben didn 't hear the laughter . He had more important matters to deal with . He was swallowing pool water and the swimsuit was not cooperating . It was hanging around his knees . Spots gathered in front of Ben 's eyes . His arms and legs were beginning to feel heavy . Everything was going black as he finally kicked off the bathing suit . Phil Tanner was not watching Ben . He was puzzled as to why Ben was such a poor swimmer . He was counting the absent marks beside Ben 's name in the record book . He muttered , " Taylor , you have some explaining to do , " and slammed the book shut . He needed to speak to the substitute teachers who taught for him when he was away . " Mr . Tanner ! Mr . Tanner ! " An urgent voice broke the Physical Education teacher 's concentration . Phil Tanner transferred his atten - tion to Allison Sims , who was standing before him . Phil Tanner pushed his record book into Allison 's wet hands , and dove into the pool . In a few quick strokes the teacher reached the swimsuit , jackknifed , and with eyes wide open swam underwater . The teacher found Ben and dragged him to the surface . When Allison saw that Phil Tanner had Ben in tow she did as she was told and left , after giving the record book to one of the boys . Phil Tanner dragged Ben out of the pool and threw a towel over his naked body . Then the teacher began to press on Ben 's chest . One … and a two … and a three . Water flowed out of Ben 's mouth , but he was still not breathing . Phil Tanner pinched Ben 's nose . He took a deep breath and bent over to give Ben mouth to mouth . At that moment Ben took a deep shuddering breath . Phil Tanner let go of Ben 's nose , but remained hunched over the boy . That was a mistake . Ben brought up the considerable breakfast he had eaten earlier . It spewed in all directions . Pieces of orange and bacon hung in Phil Tanner 's hair . " Everyone to the change room , " Phil Tanner roared after wiping oranges and bacon off his face . When everyone was gone the teacher shouted at Ben . " Tomorrow , before breakfast and every morning after that , I want you here with a swimsuit that fits , " Phil Tanner thundered . By the time Ben arrived at the boys ' change room , everyone else was nearly dressed . There was suppressed laughter from everyone but his roommate Denzel . Denzel held a towel towards Ben in his dark hand . His brown eyes were full of concern . " You okay ? " he asked . Ben took a long shower . The water was cool , but Ben did not turn off the tap until the talk and laughter died down and the door banged shut for the last time . When he finally turned off the tap , a clock hanging on the wall told him math class had already started . He rammed one wet leg and then the other into his blue jeans and struggled into his shirt . He picked up his socks , but realizing they would be too hard to put on wet feet shoved them into his gym bag . He threw the gym bag over his shoulder , stuffed his bare feet into his runners and sprinted out the door . " Ben ! Wait ! " called a voice , " Are you okay ? " Allison was waiting for him outside the change room door . Concern was clearly written on her freckled face . Ben and Allison were students at Fairhaven Private School . Fairhaven was a school for students from grade nine to twelve , where it was as important to learn to hang glide and rock climb as it was to learn algebra . Most students had parents and grandparents who attended Fairhaven before them . But there were a few like Allison , who received a special invitation to come . There were only fifty - eight students at Fairhaven . They came from many different countries of origin . Money or the lack thereof was not a barrier as no one paid tuition . The school was located on its own private island in the Pacific Northwest not far from the small community of Gold River , British Columbia , Canada . Through natural means it could only be reached by boat or float plane . However , many students reached the school by means that were far from natural . There were portals in various parts of the world that brought students to Fairhaven the moment one stepped through them . As well as the Physical Education building , there were residences for students and teachers , a stable , barns , and chicken coops . There were horses in the stable as riding was part of the curriculum . Most of the island was forested , but the area close to the school had gardens , hayfields and a pasture , as well as sports fields . The school farm grew most of the food eaten in the dining hall . The surrounding ocean provided fresh fish . The largest building on the island was a small castle made of large gray stones . A pathway led from a small secluded bay to the wide front steps of the ancient building . The stone steps led to two large oak doors . In the basement were the community kitchen , dining hall , and common rooms . On the main floor were classrooms and offices . The second floor had guest quarters and an extensive library . The third floor held a large meeting hall , as well as the office space and residence of Mariah Templeton , the principal of Fairhaven . On the fourth floor there was a small deep pool and a hexagonal shaped room with six walls and six doors . No one was allowed on the third and fourth floors without an invitation . Ben and Allison stopped and stared when they reached the cas - tle . To Ben 's dismay , the large swimsuit hung out the window . Words in large print said , " Lose something , Ben ? " Ben steeled himself for laughter when he walked through the classroom door , but there was no laughter . Yoko Suzuki was away . In her place was William Smith , a substitute teacher with a permanent scowl on his scarred face . William Smith glared at them with his one good eye . His other eye was covered by a black patch . Where his left hand should have been there was a hook . William Smith used his right hand to beckon Ben and Allison forward . He growled , " You 're late . Five percent will be deducted from your marks . " Ben started to turn away , but the substitute teacher grabbed Ben 's sleeve with his hook . " Hear me , Ben Taylor , and hear me good . I don 't want to hear about you missing your swimming lessons . You are not going to disappoint your father . He is my friend and one of the best students this school has produced . " " Too true ! But then there are a lot of scary teachers at this school . And Smith isn 't the only one with battle scars . It 's creepy . " " Who know ? She 's away a lot , " Denzel responded . " So is Tanner and some of the other teachers . I 'd like to know where they go and why we have so many substitutes . " That night Ben had the same dream that he had almost every night since coming to Fairhaven . It was dark . Two moons hung in the sky . His mother had disappeared . Ben was flying through the air , suspended by the claws of a giant scaly bird . Over and over he cried , " Momma , Momma . " Tears ran down his cheeks . The creature holding him gave a piercing cry and released its hold . Ben fell through the air into deep dark water . The cold stunned him . The blackness terrified him . He tried to call his Momma , but no sound came . There was only water . He couldn 't breathe . Like always , Ben woke with his heart pounding and his fists clenched . His breath came in shuddering gasps . Denzel stood by his bed ; hand on Ben 's shoulder , shaking him awake . " For Pete 's sake Ben , see a shrink . Find out what these nightmares mean . I 'm tired of waking up every night , " Denzel said in a tired , irritated , but concerned voice . The clock said it was quarter past two . Ben lay awake , afraid to fall asleep . He did not want to dream again , but by three he was sound asleep . The next day Ben had the required private swim lesson . It was a disaster . Mr . Tanner had to jump into the pool and fish him out once more . CHAPTER TWO " Look , " said Denzel , " Allison is allowed to go in there . Why aren 't we allowed ? She 's grade nine and so are we . " " Don 't ask me , " Ben said , just as a bell rang . He listened for a moment . It was a special bell the grade nine 's had been told to ignore . The librarian , Olivia Stewart , wheeled her chair out from behind a desk . " The library is now closed . Take whatever books you need . Bring them back tomorrow . " " What the … " he began . Denzel put a finger to his own lips and dropped under the table . Ben followed him muttering , " This is a bad idea , a very bad idea . " Nevertheless he crawled underneath the table with Denzel . At the end of the table , Denzel crawled between two bookshelves , then stood and sprinted to the far end of the library . Ben followed . Denzel dropped to the ground and pushed himself underneath a study desk . Ben stood staring down at him as Denzel gestured in silence for Ben to crawl underneath another desk . Ben stood undecided . It was not too late to leave , but he had to make a quick decision . Someone was coming . The steps were getting closer and closer . Someone was checking to make sure no one was left inside the library . Finally Ben made up his mind and dropped to the ground . He pushed himself underneath a second study desk . The footsteps stopped between the desks where Ben and Denzel lay hidden . The footsteps belonged to a trusted grade twelve student , appointed to monitor the halls and make sure the rules were not being broken . Ben held his breath until the feet turned and walked away . After a moment they heard a door close and the library was silent . Denzel pushed open the door with its " ENTRY FORBIDDEN WITHOUT SPECIAL PERMISSION " sign and Ben followed him in . They both knew it was a mistake as soon as they stepped through the door . There was a loud clang as the door bolted behind them and the lights went out . Since there were no windows in the forbidden section of the library it was very dark . Ben whirled around and felt for the door handle . It confirmed his suspicion that they were locked in . " Look around , " said Denzel , as he dug into his pocket and pro - duced a small flashlight . He swung the flashlight first this way and then that . The light rested briefly on a sign : Zargon . In the middle of the library were several small tables with books open on them . Denzel walked to the nearest table and ran his flashlight over the books . He picked up one whose cover read , " The Six Worlds : Their Similarities and Differences . " He turned to the table of contents . Listed in alphabetical order were six worlds : Earth , Farne , Lushaka , Mellish , Toregan and Zargon . Denzel turned his flashlight away from the book to the " Zargon " sign . He shone the flashlight around the room and found the other five signs . He turned back to the book and opened it to the section on Zargon . That was as far into the book as Denzel , with Ben looking over his shoulder , was able to read . They heard the library door open and close . Denzel turned off his flashlight and put it away seconds before Phil Tanner opened the door of the darkened room . Phil Tanner found them standing in the dark and was unaware of the flashlight in Denzel 's pocket . " Out ! Now ! " Phil Tanner thundered . He hustled the boys out . " I will see you tomorrow . And I would count on a very long detention if I were you . " The boys were escorted to the stairs and ushered out of the build - ing . They wisely left the castle and went back to their dorm room . The next day the two friends were called into Mr . Tanner 's office and given two months of detention starting that very day . They reported to the kitchen and worked for an hour before and after supper . As they peeled and scrubbed , they talked quietly of what it might all mean . " So what do you think 's going on ? Why are there books about imaginary worlds in the forbidden library ? " Ben asked , trying to change the subject . Over the next few days they tried to talk to the students who were able to go into the special part of the library but were rebuffed . Allison went out of her way to avoid them after they asked several times why Allison could go into the library and they couldn 't and why the bell rang for her and not for them . Three days later , Ben and Denzel finished their detention in the kitchen and were heading up the stairs to the library when the special bell rang again . They watched as students and teachers filed past them and went up the stairs to the meeting hall . Allison moved in front of some grade twelve students and contin - ued up the stairs to the third floor . Denzel tried to follow , but two older boys blocked their way . " You 're not allowed on the third floor without an invitation . " Denzel led the way down the hallway . They passed Olivia Stewart , as she waited in her wheelchair for an ancient elevator to take her to the third floor . Denzel led Ben to the math classroom . He opened a window and started to climb through . " Putting the rock climbing we 've been learning into practice . Why do you think they teach us these things if we 're not supposed to use them ? You comin ' ? " Ben stuck his head out the window and watched Denzel move slowly up the rock wall , carefully searching for and finding hand - holds . When Denzel reached the third floor window , he pulled himself up over the ledge to look in . Ben watched Denzel gasp and his foot slip . Ben was afraid that his friend was going to fall , but Denzel grabbed the window ledge with his right hand . Denzel dangled for a moment before finding a handhold to begin his climb down . Ben helped a shaken Denzel back in through the window . " She knew . Miss Templeton knew I was there . She leaned forward and looked right at me , our eyes met . I tried to duck and that 's when I lost my hold . " " Just sitting around ; but someone , I don 't know who , was dressed up as a mermaid . Great costume . Greenish skin , blond spiked hair with green tips . The eyes had no whites . The tail was amazing . It was worth the climb just to get a glimpse of that vision of beauty . " " Weird ! " Ben said . " We might be right . It is a role - playing game . I wonder what world is supposed to have mermaids . I wonder if they assign you a character or you choose it for yourself . " In the morning , Ben ate early and headed for the swimming pool for his extra lesson with Phil Tanner . The lessons were still not going well . This one was no exception . Ben did not feel comfortable in the pool even when his feet were able to touch bottom . Phil Tanner was waiting for Ben when he left the dressing room . " I 've called Miss Templeton , Ben . She wants to see you today after your last class . I told her there is little hope that you will learn to swim . I 'm really sorry about that . " " I care and your dad cares . He is going to be very disappointed , " Phil Tanner said . He paused a moment and then continued , " Your dad and I were roommates . He has been my best friend for over twenty years . I don 't know how to tell him that I couldn 't teach his son to swim . " Later in the day , Ben walked slowly towards the castle and up the stairs to the reception area on the third floor . Mrs . Topp , the school secretary , sat at a desk near the stairs . On one side of her was the door to the great hall and on the other side was the door into Mariah Templeton 's office and residence . Ben had been on the third floor twice . The first time was when his father brought him to the school . They had climbed the stairs together and Mariah Templeton had come out of her office to welcome him . A week into the school term there was a gathering for students and teachers in the great hall to which everyone was invited . Mariah Templeton spoke to the students . She spoke of the students as chosen ones who would bring light to dark worlds . Ben laughed at her words , until his father had glared at him . Later when he had tried to tell his father how strange Mariah Templeton was his father had been unwilling to listen . Ben 's father had come back to the school a month later . Andrew Taylor told Ben that he was going away on business , but expected to be back within six to eight weeks . Eight months had passed and his father had not yet returned . The end of the school year was coming and Ben wondered if his father would return in time to take him home . Andrew Taylor had often gone away on business when Ben was a boy . His grandmother used to take care of him until his father returned , but now his grandmother was dead . Ben wasn 't sure where he would end up this summer , but more importantly he was worried about what had happened to his father . Ben had never been in Mariah Templeton 's office before . The first thing he noticed was that the high walls were covered in pictures . Some of the pictures had an otherworldly look to them , featuring creatures that only exist in the pages of storybooks . Others seemed to be moving . It seemed that when he looked a second time at a picture the scene had changed . They were the kind of pictures the head of a role - playing society might be expected to have in her office . However , Mariah Templeton did not look like a woman who spent a lot of time playing games . Mariah Templeton was an elderly woman with gray hair pulled back in a tight bun . Wire rimmed glasses perched on her nose . She wore a dress that had not been in style for over fifty years . Around her neck was a very large pendant . The pendant was gold and covered in Celtic knots that had no beginning or end . The knots swirled in and around six rubies . Such an ornate pendant looked out of place on the plain - looking , elderly woman . Ben entered the office and stood before the desk where Miss Templeton sat . Across from the principal were two chairs . One of the chairs was a normal , stuffed leather chair with wooden arms . The other was an elaborate golden chair , with a high back . Every inch of the metal chair was covered in etchings and Celtic knots with no beginning or end . In six places there were groupings of precious stones . The chair looked like it belonged in a throne room rather than the office of a school principal . Ben put his gym bag on the floor beside the leather chair and waited for Principal Templeton to invite him to sit . Mariah Templeton poured tea for him , adding cream and sugar . She pushed the cup across the desk towards the elaborate golden chair . " Please be seated , " she said . Ben reached for the cup and started to move it towards the leather chair , but Mariah Templeton stopped him . " Not that one . You must sit on my special chair . " Ben moved to the metal chair and sat down . It was cold against his back . He felt very uncomfortable in this strange chair . It was too tall and his legs dangled . Mariah Templeton poured herself some tea and then sat staring at Ben . " You must have inherited that hair from your father , " Miss Templeton said . Ben ran his hand over his unruly hair in a futile effort to put it back into place . " But those eyes are extraordinary . I 've never seen another Earthling with eyes like that . " " Those eyes remind me of someone . " Miss Templeton glanced quickly to a picture hanging on her wall . " Interesting , " she said , with a perplexed look on her face . " I don 't recall ever meeting your mother , Ben , which I find strange , " Miss Templeton continued . " I make a point of getting to know the families of all my students . Do you look like your mother ? " " Things sometimes take longer than expected , but I 'm sure he 's fine . Your father has handled many challenging situations over the years . He knows what he 's doing and he will be back as soon as possible . Now please tell me about your mother . " At the name Zinder , Mariah Templeton gave a small gasp and sat up straighter . She stared at the picture she had glanced at earlier . Ben followed her eyes to the picture and saw a dragon looking into a mirror . In the mirror was a woman with red hair and brilliant green eyes . " Uhhh … " Ben hesitated ; he could not remember his father actually saying anything about his mother 's death . It was his grandmother who had told him she had died . " I think - a car accident , " Ben finally said , with no real idea as to why he said it . " Ah yes , your grandmother was also an outstanding student . She was the first of your family to come to Fairhaven , and now you might be the last . From what I understand you 're afraid of water . " " It is here . Our students are asked to take journeys that begin and end with water . The journeys are the whole reason that we have a school here at Fairhaven . " Mariah Templeton ignored him . " Our students undergo a test , " she said . " It is usually given at the end of grade nine or beginning of grade ten , but some take it earlier and others later , depending on when they appear to be ready . There are generally two or three , sometimes more , from every class who fail . I am going to give you that test now . If you pass , you WILL learn to swim . If you fail , we will discuss your future at this school when your father returns . " Principal Templeton 's words disturbed Ben . He liked Fairhaven . He did not want to leave , but all he said was , " W … w … w . . what kind of test ? " The last question surprised Ben . He wondered how the principal knew about his dreams . Denzel was the only one who knew and Ben was sure that his friend wouldn 't tell anyone . When they finished their tea Mariah Templeton walked around her desk and came to stand beside Ben . She took Ben 's hand and laid her pendant on his open palm . As Ben watched in amazement , the front of the pendant began to move . The front opened up as flowers do to the sun . Inside were three circles : One for the days of the month , another for the months of the year , and the third with the years in a century . An arrow in each of the circles pointed to today 's day , month , and year . Ben did not know what this test was meant to prove , but nothing happened . The arrows did not move . " Just so . Benjamin , it appears that there is no need for you to learn to swim . You are free to leave and join Denzel in peeling potatoes . Hopefully the two of you will learn to avoid detentions in the future . I will talk to your father when he comes back about where you will go to school next year . " Miss Templeton could not prevent her voice from conveying some of the disappointment she felt . Ben put his hands on the arms of the chair to push himself out of it . Light began to shine underneath his hands . He tried to remove them , but they seemed to have become stuck to the chair . Soon the whole chair was glowing . Light shone out of every etched line . If he could have Ben would have leapt from the chair , but the light wrapped itself around him and held him in place . " It appears I was too hasty , " Mariah Templeton said in surprise . " With great pleasure Benjamin Taylor , I tell you this . You have been chosen by the Guardian as were your father and grandmother before you . The dials on my pendant did not move because your first journey is to take place this very moment . " Ben sat in stunned silence , unable to move or talk . Light streamed out of every etching on the chair and swirled above him and around him . The light seemed to penetrate right through Ben 's body . It flowed through his mouth , his eyes and his ears , and appeared to come back out through the center of his chest . Mariah Templeton stood with her hands resting lightly on Ben 's head saying words that he did not understand . Ben 's hands felt odd , as did his feet . His shoes suddenly felt too small . Miss Templeton picked up one of his hands and turned it over . Running along each finger and up into the palm were suction cups that reminded Ben of an octopus . Principal Templeton waited and Ben waited with her . But nothing else happened . The light drew back and disappeared into the etchings . There was silence , then Mariah Templeton exclaimed , " I don 't understand . There should be a third gift . There are always three gifts given . " " Good news , Ben . You are to follow in your father 's footsteps . You have been chosen by the Guardian of the Six Worlds to go to a world that is not your own . You should have been given three gifts , but never mind the third gift will likely manifest itself later . " Mariah Templeton began to chant . " Benjamin Taylor , chosen of the Guardian , you are called to serve justice and peace . Where you go , the Guardian goes . The Guardian will be your companion as you defend and protect the weak , restore peace , and bring hope to the peoples of the six worlds . May the light of the Guardian dwell in you always , and may you be a source of light in those places where shad - ows gather . " " Not that way , Ben . This is the door you need to go through to - day , " Mariah Templeton commanded . She walked to the door behind her desk and opened it . Behind the door was a flight of steps . Ben realized that he was about to find out what was on the mysterious fourth floor of the castle . Ben followed Miss Templeton through the door and up a flight of steps . At the top of the steps were three doors . Miss Templeton opened the one in the middle and they entered a room with six walls . Each wall had a door in the middle of it , including the one they had come through . Mariah Templeton took her pendent and laid it on Ben 's open hand once again . Ben watched as the pendant opened up . This time he did not see three circles . Instead of three separate circles pointing to the day , month and year , there was a compass . The needle pointed north towards the door Ben had just come through . As Ben and Mariah Templeton watched the hand on the compass began to move . It turned towards the west and stopped . " Not that door . I do not want to send you to that world with just two gifts , " the principal muttered . " In fact , I do not want to send anyone else to that world for the time being . Not until I find out what happened to the Zargon Watcher and to … " Miss Templeton stopped , glanced at Ben and did not finish her sentence . " Oh dear , " breathed Mariah Templeton . " This is a problem . This is not a good choice for someone afraid of water . And rarely is anyone asked to go without the gift of being able to breathe under water . Maybe I shouldn 't send you at all . And yet , it is clear that the Guardian intends for you to go to Lushaka this very day . I could wait , but lives might be lost . But if I send you … " Again , Mariah Templeton did not finish her sentence . " This is difficult , " the principal continued , speaking to herself . Then she fell silent , as she contemplated the choice before her . Ben looked at Mariah Templeton with growing agitation as she stood beside him with her eyes closed trying to decide what to do . Finally , she spoke , " My job as a Watcher is to prepare and send through the portal those that the Guardian chooses . You have been chosen . Therefore , I must send you . The Guardian of the Six Worlds chose you because you have the best chance of success . Even if I do not understand how this can be , it must be so . You must go . Maybe your third gift will come when you step through the portal . I hope it is the gift of breathing under water . " Ben had come to the conclusion that the principal of his school was a nutcase ; however , when she commanded that he follow her to the door on the northeast side of the room , Ben did as he was told . Mariah Templeton opened the door to reveal a stone wall . Ben was relieved . There was no water in sight . He was not going to be expected to step out into thin air . The brick wall did not faze the principal at all and she proceeded to ask the following questions . " Benjamin Taylor , in the name of the Guardian , will you stand against evil ? Will you go and serve the cause of justice and peace ? Will you defend the weak against those who would crush them ? " Mariah Templeton looked expectantly at Ben . Mariah Templeton put her hand firmly on Ben 's back and gave him a gentle push . Ben stepped cautiously forward . He took one step and then another and another . He was puzzled and wondered why he had not run into the wall . Ben took a large step , anxious to hit the wall so that he could show Miss Templeton that people did not walk through solid walls . He desperately wanted to leave . Detention had never looked so good . Ben took a bigger step , sure that this time he would hit the wall , but he did not . Ben opened his eyes and saw blue sky . He looked down and saw water below him . A look of sheer amazement quickly passed across Ben 's face to be replaced by sheer terror as he fell through the air . Ben 's nightmare was becoming a reality . He was falling from the sky into water . Tweet |
" Well , I 'd rather be called Steve . Steve Lord . " Yupp , I thought that was a good name . Somebody with that name could become a movie star or a rockstar . . . no matter , it was a real cool name . " But why ? " asked Daniel . " Marcus sounds okay to me . Why not Mark ? That sounds cool , too . " " Nobody calls me ' Mark ' . Somehow I never get a nickname . " And now I shrugged , too . We looked at each other . Actually , our names weren 't important at all . Whenever we played together we pretended to be other people with different names , we never simply played ourselves . For me , Daniel was just Daniel . His name matched him perfectly . Whenever I hear the name Daniel I automatically think of a boy with reddish - brown hair and a slightly chubby shape . In fact , he wasn 't really chubby , but when I was mad at him , I usually said he was fat . There were some fat girls in our class but no fat boy , and so it was up to poor Daniel to be the fattest boy in our class . When Daniel wanted to take revenge for calling him fat , he made fun of my long hair . Of course , my hair wasn 't really long , either , it was just a little bit longer than the other boys ' hair . Daniel used to say , I had no haircut , it wasn 't even any hair style . What he had , that was a haircut . My hair wasn 't cut , and I 'd look like a girl that way anyhow . Years later I took the effort to look for all the old music from the charts at that time and record it on cassette tapes . I rummaged through lots of music stores and spent quite a lot of money to collect all the old hits and hear them again . Just to remember . But when I played the music , Chris , our common friend , winced ' Oh , no , please , stop it ! Don 't remind me of that f * * * ing time ! ' Like Daniel and I , Chris had always been wide of the mark at that age and he still felt embarrassed when thinking back . But I like to think back . Even when there were so many things that were painfully embarrassing , it had been a very good time for me , a special time with a very special feeling . And I never want to forget that special feeling . Daniel smiled a bit uncertainly and said , ' It 's okay , let your music play . " And he knew every song . So many times we had sat together and listened to music - mostly songs that we recorded from the radio charts on cassette tapes . We played our favorites to each other , and even though Daniel had different taste than mine , we usually agreed that typical girls ' favorite music was unbearable . We loved big , impressive rockbands with tough guys and we didn t give a shit for greasy boy groups playing bubble - gum pop . It began when I came in 5th grade at high school and I didn 't know anybody there . For months I didn 't take any notice of Daniel - like almost everybody else . I had a secret crush on a girl in my class and a short time later on another girl , but I never talked to them . Just like any 10 - year - old boy . But one day I talked with Daniel during the break , and again in the next break , and also next day , and one day he took me home with him after school to show me where he lived , and later I took him home with me and though there was never a point where we said we were friends , it was clear that we were . Daniel asked me if I ever took notice of a blond girl with freckles in our class . Her name was Betty . One look at her and I was in love . Daniel said that 's no wonder , he was in love with her , too . So , we were both in love with the same girl and we knew it and it was no problem at all . We never dared to talk to her , anyway . But we had really adventurous fantasies about her and we told each other that stuff . It was quite clear that we had to rescue her from some terrible dangerous to win a kiss from her . It seemed impossible that she 'd kiss one of us just because we were nice . Girls only kiss heroes and never just simple fifth - grader boys who play with Lego bricks . To kiss this blond girl named Betty was my biggest dream - - - or at least my second biggest , right after a journey to a distant planet . Once I actually dreamed about kissing her , and the dream seemed to be so real and so exciting that I woke up immediately . I was daydreaming a lot about her and I always imagined how we might fall into a situation where we came so close that inevitably our lips would touch . I told Daniel my daydreams and he told me his . It was great . We never thought about jealousy . It seemed like we could both kiss Betty at the same time . We turned 11 and when we started 6th grade , we were both still in love with Betty . Even Chris , who lived next door to Daniel , said that Betty was a wonderful girl and he 'd like to kiss her , too . Me and Daniel grinned and said ' welcome to the club ' . But Chris actually took his bike and rode to Betty 's house and rang the doorbell and asked if she was there ! Luckily , Betty wasn 't home that day and she didn 't seem to take any notice of Chris . She was too busy with her girlfriends . Just like we were busy with our friends and didn 't know what to say to her , anyway . Then came a certain morning when I lay half asleep in bed and fantasized a bit . I fantasized about some rather weird stuff , like I was in a meadow together with two young women with big boobs . It was really hot and the women took off their shirts and we climbed up a hill . I kept looking at these big boobs and they were really turning me on , and I was turning from side to side in my bed and suddenly I felt a warm shudder going through my body and my heart was pounding and I was feeling unbelievably great . What really overcame me was the intensity of this feeling . I had never felt anything that strong before , so much of a feeling at the same time , and I 'd never thought that I was simply able to such a thing . It was even better than that dream about kissing Betty , and even though I knew it was just a fantasy it felt so incredibly real . While the feeling let up I finally awoke and noticed that there was something wet in my pajama pants . There was a small stain to the front , something white and soapy that didn 't smell . Obviously , it had come out of my weenie but it wasn 't anything that I had seen before . It took about two or three months until I got another wet dream . And soon I figured out how to get that great feeling and the soapy white stuff again . I used to lie on my tummy and I moved it so that my weenie rubbed against the blanket or the sheet , and I thought of naked girls . I thought , nobody has to know that I was doing such dirty things and I found a way to hide the stains . I simply took some old underwear and let it disappear in the depth of my wardrobe , behind piles of comic books and toys . And everytime I was in the mood I dug out some of that underwear and spread it under my tummy . Daniel was allowed to stay for a sleepover with me . I couldn 't believe how complicated he made it ! I bet he 'd loved to take half of his bedroom with him , pretending he couldn 't sleep without his stuff . At last he came up with two stuffed animals , his big pillow , toothbrush and toothpaste and a beaker , several towels , soap and his pajamas . I thought to myself I 'd only take my toothbrush with me if I ever happen to spend the night with Daniel . I didn 't understand why my parents just laughed about Daniel . I thought he was awfully childish for his age . My Mom tucked us in . That way she could make sure that we wouldn 't stay up half the night , having a pillow fight or something . My Mom was a " real mom " , she was a bit fat and she looked like she could cook and clean up to perfection , and she loved children . She grabbed me everytime I came too close and cuddled me , stroked my cheeks and kissed me , no matter if I tried to resist . She even grabbed Daniel and cuddled him ! And then she gave him nicknames , really embarrassing nicknames ! I blushed , but Daniel just grinned and looked somewhat pleased . Daniel 's Mom was slim and fancy and she smoked . Her household always looked cleaner than ours , though I couldn 't imagine her wiping and scrubbing . She used to talk quietly and patiently with Daniel and she hardly ever lost her temper . But I never saw her cuddling or kissing her son . I thought for a moment . " Um , for example , I don 't need my old pillow for a sleepover . And no stuffed animals , either . " Daniel didn 't look as if he noticed that he was sitting on my foot . My foot stuck under the blanket , but I think he had to feel it . Anyway , I felt him quite clearly , inspite of the blanket between us . My toes nearly flattened his privates and I was surprised how soft they were . We kept on talking as if there was nothing . I moved my foot under him so that he had to notice it , but he stayed sitting there . Then it flashed through my mind that he might like it getting touched this way . And I realized that I could like it , too , and I asked myself why we didn 't say it . But we talked about something else . And finally Daniel stood up and this exciting moment was gone . Before this morning I hadn 't ever noticed Daniel 's body , except his slight chubbyness which I called fat to make him mad . But I hadn 't seen anything interesting about his body . From that day on , I was excited and curious . I couldn 't get it out of my head that Daniel liked the way I touched him with my foot . And that I liked it , too . The next time we went swimming , I looked at Daniel sharper than ever . He wasn 't really chubby , he just looked smoother than other boys . His shoulders and knees looked rounder than mine , less drawn by the bones . His tummy was a little bit curved , his butt was round and neat . Later when we dried ourselves in the lockerroom , I caught a glimpse of his weenie and I saw that he had an average , small dick . I couldn 't stop thinking about it . Since Daniel sat down on my foot my life became complicated . Everything that had happened to me until that day had been more or less familiar to me . At least I had heard of it before , what people call ' the facts of life ' . Though I thought it all happened to me way too early , so that nobody ever had to know it , I knew it was ' normal ' . I had ' ejaculations ' and I thought of girls while doing it . I was in love with girls . Jesus , I was 11 1 / 2 years old and I had just the faintest ideas about sex . That was something that men and women did , just like the heroes and heroines on TV , who always fall in love with each other and in the very next scene lie in bed , breathing heavy , and biting their chins . I never ever heard of two boys and sitting on a foot . Probably , I wasn 't normal . Everything had happened too early to me , that must have been the reason . Daniel couldn 't feel anything when sitting on my foot , he simply wasn 't that far along . Soon it was my turn to stay with Daniel for a sleepover . Of course , I was just going to take my toothbrush with me , but my Mom began to pack things up for me , like my pajamas and some clean underwear , and it was hard to convince her that I don 't need even more stuff . Daniel 's Mom had a date that night , so we knew we 'd be alone for hours . We did what all 11 - year - olds love to do in such a situation : watching TV without any parental guidance . We planned to move to the living room in our pajamas , to be ready for bed . Daniel kept his underwear on under his pajamas , so that he didn 't have to undress in front of me . Since I never keep my underwear on when I put on my pajamas , I wondered if I should undress . But then I simply did it like Daniel . We took our blankets with us and made ourselves comfortable on the sofa . Actually , we didn 't care what was on TV , we made fun of the program , anyway , no matter what it was . In fact , it couldn 't be bad enough for us . The biggest fun was when we tuned down the sound of the commercials and ' dubbed ' them with new words : " Well , these are bedsheets that we painted white so that they look cleaner . " ( Detergents ) - " Our stupid pills have no effect , but it doesn 't matter , you won 't be able to shut your mouth , anyway . " ( Denture cleaner ) - " Don 't ask me what I 'm doing here , I grin whenever I see a camera . " ( no particular ) - " Disgusting sticky stuff - and the best of all : it 's incredibly expensive ! " ( Candy ) We lay on the floor in front of the sofa and laughed our heads off . Daniel was really good at ' dubbing ' the commercials . Off the cuff he said really funny stuff that perfectly matched the pictures , or he changed the slogans with only a few words to something that sounded wonderfully stupid . We played a while with his toys , let his model cars drive along the edge of his bed , chasing each other . My car disappeared under the bed and when I reached for it I grabbed something else and pulled it out . It was a pile of cotton wool . Daniel was awfully nervous and hid the cotton wool in a drawer . " I need it for the night . You know , there can be something running out - that 's what I read somewhere . " And that last thing - ' that 's what I read ' - really sounded like a lie . I sat there on the floor next to his bed and I was confused . First I thought of bedwetting , but I doubted that cotton wool could help there . But later , when Daniel 's mother was back and we had to turn out the light and keep quiet , I had the idea that Daniel might do the same thing that I did with my old underwear . I just couldn 't imagine it , Daniel seemed to me so immature , so . . . innocent , he could impossibly be as dirty as me . In spite of all this confusion , he made me even more curious . Next morning I became a little bit more aggressive : I changed my underwear before Daniel 's eyes ! I wanted to know what he 'd do when he saw me naked . I did it while he simply lay in his bed and had nothing to do . Either he 'd watch me or he 'd look away . And when I acted like the child that I actually felt like , I made a fool out of myself then , too . For example , when Daniel and I sat in the bus and had fun playing games we made up , people shook their heads and said : " You belong in kindergarden . " And I felt bad then and didn 't realize that they also said it to Daniel . So , I thought about my friend Daniel and did stuff to myself again and again , and I thought I was completely tainted . Abnormal . And until I found that cotton wool under Daniel 's bed I didn 't dare to think that anybody of my age could be as tainted as me . But now I was wondering about it . I searched my memories for pieces of circumstantial evidence that Daniel was tainted . I watched him and looked for signs . Chris and Daniel were catholic , I am protestant . The catholic students had some lessons about sexuality , masturbation and morale in religious education , and I heard a lot of stories about it , especially Chris couldn 't stop talking about it , giggling smuttily . The stuff about masturbation was his favorite . Daniel just blushed and smiled awkwardly and kept quiet . " It was about a boy who sat in his class and couldn 't concentrate and they said that he rubbed the front of his pants . So that he 'd get a clear head again . Could you imagine doing this " - Chris showed how to do it - " in the middle of a lesson , just because you can 't concentrate ? " ( giggle , giggle ) " I wonder what girls do then . Perhaps they take their pencils . . . " Chris clinged to my sleeve and laughed his head off . Me and Daniel liked to ride around on our bikes and look for spooky places . There were some spooky places in the woods and on the outskirts of the city , for example an abandoned building which must have been used for some mysterious purpose that we couldn 't imagine . But there were also some weird places in our neighborhood , particularly a weeded area , surrounded by a fairly high wall . From outside this wall you could only see undergrowth and weeds , but we wanted to find out why there was this big wall around it . It had to be hiding a secret . So , we climbed up the wall and it wasn 't easy at all . I wasn 't too athletic and Daniel performed like a lead weight in gym . I was the first one to try , I jumped up and clutched at the top of the wall . Then I hung down the wall . " And now ? " Daniel helped me . He simply grabbed my butt and pushed me up . This way I really made it on top of the wall . Feeling Daniel 's hands on my butt had shocked me slightly . I lay on top of the wall and everything was turning around me . Daniel used his bike for a step and climbed on it , but he didn 't know how to climb up the rest of the way to the top . When he hung down the wall like a monkey I reached for his knee and pulled it up . And so even Daniel 's big butt reached the top , finally . We leapt down on the other side and looked around . There were some beaten paths leading through the undergrowth , and we wandered along those paths at random . We didn 't find anything remarkable - just some rubbish . But nevertheless it was interesting to search the area . We did something forbidden and that 's always exciting . The only reason why I tell about this ' expedition ' is that Daniel grabbed my butt again when we climbed the wall to get back down . The way back was easier since there was a tree near the wall . But again I felt Daniel 's helpful hands on my butt pushing me up . And now I knew he was doing it deliberately ! We weren 't too far away from home , but somehow we didn 't want to go home , yet . We stopped at a playground and entered a wooden hut . This hut was made for little kids , its roof was so low that we could either crawl or sit down in there . So , we sat down on the wooden floor . We listened to the sound of the rain pouring on the roof of the small hut . Our hair was straggly wet and our T - shirts were damp . For a while we looked each other in the eye . I was surprised to hear that . Really , I had never thought about which boy in our class looked handsome and who didn 't . Either , I didn 't think that Daniel was any less good - looking than others . Though the girls treated him like he wasn 't there . " Uh , do you think that ? " Daniel shrugged , too . " Andreas . But he 's gone . " There was once a student in our class named Andreas , and everybody said that all the girls had a crush on him . A tanned boy with bright brown hair , almost cut like the early Beatles ' ' mushroom heads ' . Somehow everybody in our class agreed that he was our Mr . Handsome . Daniel sighed . " Oh , Marcus ! We know that YOU don 't have to think about that . YOU are good looking and slender , YOU don 't need to make a fuss of it . The girls like you , anyway . " I felt the blood pounding in my head . My cheeks became hot . Never before somebody had said I was looking good . Not even my Mom , who said I was " sweet " , which is a completely different thing - she only saw the sweet and cute child in me . " But you draw well . And you write funny stories . Didn 't you ever notice how everybody is always eager to see what you 're doing ? You get all the attention . Always . " I didn 't know what to say . Yeah , I got all the attention , and I took it for granted . In our arts class there 's usually someone who almost shouts ' look what Marcus is drawing ' and then the students leap up and come to my desk and look what I 'm doing . It must have been hard for Daniel to sit next to me . It must have been hard to be a friend of mine . I was almost ashamed : " I could teach you drawing ! " I was helpless . Should I tell him that I thought he was looking good , too ? I was so used to his face that I couldn 't tell if it was nice or stupid . And actually I didn 't care about his chubbyness . He was my friend because he had similar interests and because we could tell each other stories and invent new games and because he was patient and gentle . But I couldn 't tell him , because I hadn 't realized it then . I wasn 't even 12 . I 'll never forget how it was sitting there in that small playhouse while the rain was pouring on the roof and Daniel told me what he really thought about me . It was a real weird mood . I had a strange feeling in my tummy . The next time I was alone at home , I wanted to prove that in detail . I made a one - man - fashion - show in front of the hall mirror . I treated my hair with a hair dryer and a brush so that it looked fancy and silky . I tried several kinds of pants and shirts , with or without a belt , and looked at me from head to toe in the big mirror , struck cool poses , turned around and looked at my back and my butt . Most of all I liked the open - shirt look , without anything underneath . Though I always wanted to have chiseled muscles , there was never ever anything like that to be seen on my chest . Summer came or at least what they call summer where we lived . And Daniel and me went on a vacation - together ! Well , actually it was pure accident that Daniel and his mom planned to go on vacation quite close to the place where my grandparents lived . So , they took me with them and left me with my grandparents . But my parents and Daniel 's Mom had agreed that Daniel could spend a few days with me at my gran s . nd I couldn 't wait for it . Before our journey Daniel 's Mom made really big efforts so that Daniel wouldn t get car - sick . e had to take pills and she put him in his seat with a pillow under his head so he could sleep all through the drive . ut the two of us talked the whole time - mostly about the chartbreaker music on our tapes that played in the car stereo - and Daniel didn 't get sick that way , either . His mom drove fast and soon the journey was over . My grandparents were surprised to see me so early . I wrote down my gran 's telephone number on a piece of paper and gave it Daniel and then he and his mom were already gone . Vacation with my grandparents was nothing special , but it was okay . I d known all the neighbor kids as long as I could remember . e went swimming or played ping pong and the boys had a new favorite game that we fought out in endless little tournaments . ust this summer I was limited to the younger kids - the other boys had turned 14 and therefore they were suddenly big and didn 't play with me anymore . It wasn 't boring at all , but I could hardly wait til the phone rang and Daniel was calling . After almost one week it finally rang . I sat around the old black and white TV with my grandparents and saw a stone age old movie and when the phone rang my grandma almost got a heart attack because it was set so loud that they could hear it even in the garden and because I jumped up with a yell . It was a hard piece of work to make my gran clear that we had to sleep in the same room . And that it had to be the quiet room under the roof . I almost started a quarrel , but then I agreed to carry all the sheets and pillows up the steep stairs and make the beds on my own . The next day I spent hours running up and down the street in front of the house , looking out for the red car Daniel 's mom would be driving . I thought maybe she d forgotten the way to my grandparents and got lost . even took my bike and rode to the end of the street and looked around the corner . could hardly imagine that Daniel 's mom simply took her time . I was uncertain if Daniel would like my grandparents ' little old house . I showed him some of the rooms and the old fashoined water closet and I made a joke about it and watched Daniel 's face . It seemed that he didn 't care . And when I showed him our room in the attic he agreed with me that it was the best room in the house . I was relieved and laughed . Daniel unpacked his things . Of course , he had that pillow with him about which he said he couldn 't sleep without . Plus half a dozen stuffed animals . We didn 't go downstairs to my grandparents for the rest of the evening . We spent hours exploring the old stuff in the loft - majorly dusty books and old toys - and we made our jokes about the stuff we found and so we didn 't realize how time went by . Finally my grandparents called up from downstairs that they were going to sleep now and that we had to be quiet . Then I realized that it wasn 't nice that we hadn 't come downstairs , at least to say good night or something . We didn 't sleep much during our first night in my grandparents ' house . We talked until late after midnight , and we were happy that it was our vacation . I don 't want to tell much about this first night , nor about the next day when Daniel discovered two or three spiders in the loft and really panicked because he couldn 't stand spiders at all and we had to buy insecticides at the small supermarket in the village and kill all the spiders until Daniel calmed down . No , I want to tell about the following night with Daniel that became the most remarkable of our summer vacation and even one of the most remarkable nights in my life . This time we said goodnight to my grandparents after supper and we went upstairs to the attic , and that meant that we 'd stay there for the rest of the night , undisturbed . We planned to play cards or dice while listening to our favorite music cassettes with all the hits . But we didn 't do that too long , soon we began to fantasize about Betty , the girl with blond hair and freckles that we were both in love with . Daniel began : " We 're at a summer camp . " Summer camp was good . We had never actually been to a summer camp ourselves , but of course we knew from TV and books that things might happen there that could lead to a kiss . " There 's a group of older boys who always play rough and they 're really mean . We are in another group together with Betty . One night we go on a night walk . . . " , Daniel said with a promising grin . " Yeah , a night walk ! That 's it ! " I laid back on the big old bed and looked up through the window at the dark sky . When the light was out you could see the stars above through this window , while you were lying in bed . And maybe you could hear some crickets singing . But usually you could hear some distant music from a bar or a party down in the village and the voices of rather drunken grown ups and the noise of a motor bike or a car . " Woohoo ! " Full of delight I wriggled on the upper end of Daniel 's bed . That was spooky and exciting - exactly what we needed to kiss a girl . " We 're going ahead cause we have the flashlights . Soon , the path becomes rather narrow and we have to work our way through the undergrowth . There 's rustling and crackling . And when we finally come to a clearing and we look around , the girls are . . . " , Daniel stopped breathing for a moment , " . . . gone ! " I stopped breathing , too , then I giggled and took over telling the story . Each of us told a part , and we knew anyway how it would end up . Of course , that nasty group of boys had caught ' our ' girls in the darkness - probably to force them into kissing them - and it was just a matter of time that we 'd rescue them and get away and then . . . yeah , then the girls couldn 't refuse to kiss us - - - the heroes ! This time Daniel could kiss blond Betty because he had started to tell the story . For me there was ' only ' dark - haired Jenny left to kiss , Betty 's best friend , who was all in all way cuter and nicer than Betty , but I didn 't know that back then . Jenny counted only as second best . " Yeah , wait . . . " I sat up on the bed and turned my back to Daniel as if I was Betty in my dream . " Just do as if you 'd try to catch me ! " Unsure of what I was doing , Daniel took my upper arms . I turned around to Daniel and fell back onto him inevitably pushing him aside with the weight of my body . Daniel exaggerated a lot : " Ooouuh , aauuuuhh ! " But he laughed . " Not like that ! No , of course not this way ! We have to stand up . " I got up from the bed . " Come on , stand up ! " Daniel followed and he seemed to be curious now . We set ourselves up again like in my dream , Daniel behind me , and when he took my arms I turned around and I wrapped myself in his arms this way and came really close to his chest . The tips of our noses almost touched and we were so close like two lovers ready to kiss each other . Daniel grinned with closed lips . Just like me , he felt that we could simply try it out , right at that moment . Nobody was watching us , we could just do it for practice . I hardly dared to breathe because I didn 't want to blow into Daniel 's face . Almost voiceless I whispered : " Our lips touched very slightly . " And slowly I came closer , beside Daniel 's nose tip . At the very first faint touch - probably by some tiny downy hair on our upper lips , because it was tickling really weird - Daniel burst out laughing . His wet breath smelled like tooth paste and white bread . Daniel released me and shook himself , laughing . I remained silent and serious . I was a little bit disappointed that this first attempt had failed so completely . " Of course , it doesn 't work this way . Betty didn 't laugh in my dream . Nor did I . " Daniel giggled with red cheeks . " Marcus , do you really want to show me how to kiss Betty ? " But when he saw that I was serious and it seemed that was really exactly what I wanted , he stopped laughing . He looked confused . I tried to explain : " Of course , not real kissing . No wet lips or anything like that . My lips are perfectly dry . . . look , here ! " I showed my dry lips . Daniel still said nothing . I felt like he didn 't know what to say about it . Or maybe he just didn 't want to say something against it . He showed no signs of resistance , he simply let it happen . " And don 't laugh " , I made clear once again . And then I pushed Daniel gently down on his bed and made signs that he had to stretch out on it . " So , imagine , you are Betty and we 're in that summer camp . It 's late and we 're out for a walk and we lie down in the grass and watch the stars . " I lay down beside Daniel , on his big pillow that smelled a little bit like Daniel . And we looked up through the window in the roof . I reached for the bedside light and turned it out . It was dark in our room and we saw the stars above , through the window . The noise from the party down in the village had died down . I only heard Daniel breathing . He didn 't move . " So , I 'd put my arm around you . " I pushed my arm under Daniel 's shoulders and he even helped me and lifted his head a little . Then we lay there close to each other and I felt Daniel 's undershirt on my arm and his warm and smooth shoulder in my hand and I began to stroke it . And Daniel 's breath became deeper . Without saying any more about Betty and the summer camp , I turned on my side to Daniel until I almost lay on him , face to face , and our legs touched . And then I kissed him . His lips weren 't stressed anymore , they were smooth and a little wet , just like mine . We both knew that this wasn 't really a game , it wasn 't just doing ' as if ' . We really kissed each other ! We were both panting and we could each feel our breath across each other 's cheeks . And Daniel wanted to do it too . I felt how he wanted to really kiss me , too , and how he enjoyed the feeling of my mouth against his . Slowly and gently he wrapped his arms around me and stroked my back , and we finally lay there in the darkness cuddled up tight and kissing until we were breathless . I 'm sure I would have liked to fall asleep like that , but we were both too excited , even though we didn 't move or talk any more . After some time we let up stroking each other and laid back . And in the end I crept back over to my bed and soon we were sleeping . This wild ' kissing practice ' was the only time we ever did anything like that . Although I daydreamed a lot about it and I really would have liked to do it again . But since we never talked about it , I was never sure if Daniel wanted to do it , too . And I wondered if we would ' become gay ' because of it . Well , like I said , we were always wide of the mark at that age . Later , we both had problems finding a girlfriend . Daniel , because he was the partykiller who couldn 't dance or flirt - the kind of boy that the girls generally ignore . And me , because I was too much in love with myself and I thought , all the girls had a crush on me . But neither of us turned ' gay ' . Even if we had kissed a thousand times . Actually , I 'd been a little bit in love with Daniel , though I would never have admitted that at age 12 , not over my dead body . What kind of love is it that you may have for your best friend at that age ? Is it somehow less valuable than the love for a girl ? Or is it a better , deeper kind of love - actually , it will last until the end of my life , my love for my best friend . |
M had started the night in the " boy 's room " next door with his dad and Julie 's dad , but the snoring got to be to much and M couldn 't sleep . So he came over with us . Our room was packed . We stayed up way too late indulging in girl talk and at one point we started talking about hot guys . " Casino Royale " came on with Daniel Craig and I said he was a beautiful , beautiful man . Because he is . I also compared him to the statue of David and said he was " like a piece of art that walks around . " Keep in mind that it was nearly midnight and we had all had a very long day , so the conversation got silly fast . Julie : We aren 't gossiping . We 're just asking E what boy she thinks is like art walking around . So E , what 's your vote ? The conversation just degenerated from there . E did finally decide that Justin Bieber is her equivalent to Daniel Craig . That plus the comment that Daniel Craig was " just too old for her " combined to make her vote null and void . " I want a tattoo , " I said to the guy behind the counter . He asked me what I wanted and I explained it . I wanted it in script , but he explained that it probably wouldn 't fit and he pointed out another kind of lettering that was smaller . It was more blocky , but he said it could be stylized to make it more feminine . That was fine because I have the world 's smallest wrists and if he thought script wouldn 't fit on a regular wrist it definitely wouldn 't fit on mine . So I set up an appointment for Tuesday afternoon because he didn 't have time to do it Monday . On Tuesday Andy and I got there and he had been working on drawing it out . It was too big for my wrist . So he shrunk it a little . It was still too big , but it could work . I sat there and stared at that stupid piece of tracing paper for five minutes trying to figure out a way to either make those letters smaller or make my wrist bigger . Also , I really just hated the letters . They didn 't look like me once I saw them all spelled out and I wasn 't going to put them on my body for the rest of eternity . So we started talking about alternate locations . After much indecisiveness on my part ( mostly an internal battle ) I just told myself , " Joanna , suck it up and make a decision . " And that 's what I did . The location has certainly had to grow on me since I went in hell bent on my wrist . Obviously I got it in black because the guy flat out refused to do it in any other color . But never fear ! Now that it 's there and I know I like it I have plans to add some colorful embellishments in the future . About the pain . It really wasn 't so bad . And here is the funny thing : I never even anticipated the pain . I think because I know I 've felt so much worse and the whole time I was making this decision it never even entered my mind that it might be kind of uncomfortable to get a tattoo . Julie and I even had a conversation before my appointment about what we 'd heard about tattoo pain , but the idea of me being in pain because of it never even became a factor . Not until I was laying there on the table and he had the tool in his hand and started to talk to me about relaxing and not being tense because that would make it worse and that 's about the time my brain went , " Oh shit ! This is going to hurt , isn 't it ? ! " Um , yeah . I guess at that point I still could have backed out , but we had put down a non refundable deposit to hold my appointment spot and there was no way I was letting that money go . One of us was leaving there with a tattoo and since I was already on the table it only made sense for me to do it . In all seriousness I never even considered backing out . My moment of panic was just that , a moment . Because in the next second I said to myself , " Suck it up you big baby . This can 't possibly be as bad as anything that happened last year and it certainly won 't last as long . " But I 'm serious . Before my accident I had toyed around with the idea of getting one . I just never could pin down exactly what I wanted . Should I get something to commemorate my daddy ? My papaw ? Or just something that represented me ? I just didn 't know . There were actually several that I would have liked , but it 's a permanent mark on my body and nothing ever felt exactly right . I could never settle on a tattoo that I knew I could live with forever . I had a whole year to think about what I wanted . Again , I rolled several ideas around in my brain - big and little . Then last night I settled on what I wanted . But I need your help . I said I wanted it on the inside of my wrist , so I can see it easily . It isn 't going to be there for other people , but as a reminder to me of what I 've been through and that when I 'm having a bad day life is so much more than those bad moments and it 's worth living well . My mind was made up and then I told Andy and he made a face . You know the kind of face I 'm talking about . It says " I don 't think that 's such a good idea , but whatever you want . " So , blog readers where do you think I should get my tattoo ? I 've put a poll at the top of my sidebar . Please click on one of the choices to let me know what you think , or if you can think of a better option feel free to tell me so . If you have a really strong opinion that can 't be settled with a mouse click leave that in the comments too . One more thing I 'd be obliged if you helped me decide on is the color . Of course I could go with basic black , but it seems like such a harsh color . I want something a little softer . I was thinking maybe gray , purple or blue . Then when I was talking to Julie earlier today she suggested that I get it in burgundy , the same color as my Jeep . Pretty awesome suggestion , no ? But I 'm open to more . If you have an opinion on the color tell me that too . The next few days here at PS are going to be kind of somber . The one year anniversary of my car crash is on Wednesday and I have some things I need to say . Back when the accident happened I wrote a few posts about what went on , but I was medicated and hurt and tired and I never really said what I wanted to . That day and the few days following have been on my mind lately and I 'm going to write down what happened . Because I need to do it . It will help me move on . I 'm doing this for me . There are things I haven 't talked about because I just couldn 't say them out loud . So I 'm doing it now . You are welcome to follow along . I wouldn 't be posting it here if you weren 't . It 's going to be hard for me to write and also hard to read . Part 1 The weekend was restful , but there were a lot of people around . Don 't get me wrong . I appreciate everyone that came to help . My parents and grandmother . Andy 's parents and sister . It was so nice , especially for Andy , to have so many hands . But no matter how much I knew they were there to help me I was still the hostess . People were in my home and I just couldn 't sleep while they were running around doing all my housework for me . Not to mention how long it took me to eat anything and the fact that I had to take a different medication every three hours , even in the middle of the night . And I couldn 't get the medicine myself because it was all I could do to get from the sofa to the bedside toilet that someone had lent me . I felt completely useless , and I was . I never could have imagined how terrible it is for someone to be in that sort of situation until I was in it myself . Now I know and I feel that frustration and pain all over again when I hear of another person having to go through it . Being healthy one day and helpless the next is the most hopeless thing I 've ever been through . And of course there were all the doctor 's appointments . Just in the first week there were four , and I had to be in the car for an hour each time . Talk about stressful . I never got enough nutrition because I was drinking all my food . Add that to a lot of pain medication and not a lot of solid sleep and that made for a very weak patient . That first week of appointments I swooned twice . Partly because of my weakness and partly because of my nerves . Even now , just the thought of going to any doctor 's office makes me want to throw up . Today has been a lot harder than I thought it would be . I think because it 's been a year and I 'm not done yet , so it 's kind of bittersweet . The sweet is because the first year is over and I think that is certainly something to celebrate , but more than anything I desperately want to put it all behind me and move one with my life . I don 't want to forget . I can never forget , but I can get back to life and living it . The life that was interrupted . I feel like it 's been on pause this whole time and my finger is itching to press " Play . " I still feel twinges of pain in my ankle and my right sinus cavity ( it was torn away from my cheek bone with my nose ) , thought I don 't seem to have any real problems with either of those . At least not right now , and though my nose is still stiff ( and some days even sore ) I think it 's going to be alright . My chin is still numb from the nerve damage . The numbness isn 't as sprawling as it was which gives me hope that it might go away all together . My chin was actually degloved . I 've said that to people and no one seems to really understand what that is , so I looked up the definition : an injury . . . in which the soft tissue down to the bone , including neurovascular bundles and sometimes tendons , is peeled off . Yeah , it 's pretty gross . So I 'm also thinking the numbness is still hanging around because all that tissue is still healing . But like the doctor 's say , time will tell . My teeth . Oh my teeth . They just don 't feel like part of my body . It is much , much better of course , but I still can 't use them like I used to . I 've only recently started to bite into soft or chewy things . Mostly I can hold things with my teeth and then tear the food with my hand . I still can 't exert the pressure it would take to bite into say , a crusty piece of pizza . I 've spent the whole last year either eating through a straw , with a baby spoon or with a knife and fork . And like I said , they will still most likely die at some point . I was right from the beginning about losing a tooth . I 'm getting ready to have it replaced and , based on my dentist 's opinion , might need to go ahead and replace one more . I 've hear the implant procedure is pretty painful . I 'm not looking forward to it . But at this point all the medical stuff is something I 've grown used to having in my life . Though stressful , it 's just become a reality for me . Not that it wasn 't a reality immediately , but I had a lot to process right after the crash . In the last six months or so I 've been dealing more with the emotional side of what happened and what I 've been through . When I was hurt and healing I was able to suppress most of my emotional feelings about everything . It was something I had to do . I needed to be in a good frame of mind , or the best one I could muster while I was in the thick of it . If I let myself get bogged down too much with how I felt I wouldn 't heal as quickly and I knew it . So I pushed everything to the back of my mind . Then one day the whole thing hit me right in the face . It was the day Julie went into the hospital to have Mina . I drove down and when I got in her room her friend Frances was there for a visit . Frances hadn 't seen me in a while and of course knew all about the accident so she asked me how my recovery was going . I started to tell her all the gory details and then a nurse came in to check on Julie . I was right in the middle of talking about my giant scar and how my chin was degloved and I got sort of a , " What the heck is she talking about ? " look from the nurse . Without skipping a beat Julie looked at me and then the nurse and said , " That 's my best friend Joanna . She almost died in a car crash last April . " Immediately I said , " Oh , I didn 't almost die , " and sort of laughed it off . And Julie looked at me and with a straight face said , " Yes . You did . " And that was it folks . I had spent all that time telling myself it wasn 't that bad . I mean I was beat up and I had been through a lot of recovery with a lot still left to go , but I never really let myself believe how bad it really was . I just couldn 't and then I just wouldn 't Not to mention that no one had really said it to me like that . I had heard how lucky I was and even Dr . F said to me that after all the trauma I went through he was surprised I lived through it . But no one had actually said the " D " word . Saying that I shouldn 't have lived through it and saying that I almost didn 't were two different thing to me . I know it 's really just semantics , but it was still a wake up call for me . Three little words to make me face what I nearly lost . It 's what I had been needing . Someone needed to make me understand and make me pull out all the emotional sludge I was ignoring . I 'm still dealing with them . Emotional pain isn 't as easily curable as physical pain , and I 'm not so sure it is curable . It 's something you can learn to live with and manage . So that 's what I 'm doing ; learning how to manage it . I certainly have bad days when I just feel so overwhelmed by all that has happened . First , my new appreciation for life . For how fragile and precious it is . Gratitude has taken on a whole new meaning for me in the last 365 days . I don 't think I knew before how to fully appreciate anything and now I try my best to appreciate every day , every minute , every breath . I 've learned that life is meant for enjoying . Enjoying what the world around you has to offer and what your body can do in it . I try more new things now and I 'm not as cautious . You would think this whole ordeal would make me more cautious , and if it had been my fault then maybe I would be . But I 'm not trying to be reckless , I 'm just trying to live with less fear based boundaries . I 've come to realize how amazing the human body is and how capable . Now that I 've known a time when my body couldn 't do even normal things I try to use it as best I can . God gave it to me to use and enjoy and that 's what I plan on doing . Andy and I have a real relationship now . We did before , but I feel like now we really understand how much we mean to one another . He has been through this last year right there with me and I don 't think I would have come this far and been as strong as I am if it weren 't for his love , support and encouragement . I feel like we can face anything now , as long as we 're doing it together . He 's out fishing right now . He knew I was kind of having a rough day and said he would stay with me , but he didn 't get to go fishing once last year because of me , and he loves to fish . I know he doesn 't grudge me one minute , but he deserves a little fishing break . He can take care of me after dark , so I sent him on his way . I can 't even being to thank my family and friends for the love and support the sent to me . All the visits and cards . All the chores . ( Watching my mother and grandmother clean out the bunny cage was some serious entertainment for me while I was couch bound . ) Thank you ! Thank you ! Thank you ! But it was good for me and it needed to be done . I can 't hang on to my Jeep forever because it 's gone , but the keys weren 't just there because I couldn 't give up my ruined care . I was holding on to them because they represented a very different time in my life . A more innocent time . I was certainly not innocent in the traditional sense , but I was innocent of all the pain and heartache the last year has brought . I can 't get it back though and I think that 's what I was trying to do . Maybe if I held on to my keys long enough it would all go away and I could just be the old Joanna . It 's time to move on and accept the changes I see in myself . I don 't dislike this new version of myself . Actually I think I 'm a lot better , but it was such an abrupt change . It 's hard to let go , but that , as they say , is life . If we always stayed the same , never changing or evolving , life would be very boring indeed . The next few days here at PS are going to be kind of somber . The one year anniversary of my car crash is on Wednesday and I have some things I need to say . Back when the accident happened I wrote a few posts about what went on , but I was medicated and hurt and tired and I never really said what I wanted to . That day and the few days following have been on my mind lately and I 'm going to write down what happened . Because I need to do it . It will help me move on . I 'm doing this for me . There are things I haven 't talked about because I just couldn 't say them out loud . So I 'm doing it now . You are welcome to follow along . I wouldn 't be posting it here if you weren 't . It 's going to be hard for me to write and also hard to read . Part 1 It wasn 't that I didn 't like her , but she smothered me . Or rather she mothered me . She was clearly a worrier and since she related to my mother and myself so much she paid extra close attention . She fretted . That is the best word I can find to describe her . Don 't get me wrong , she was so much better than having say , Nurse Hatchet , but I had been poked and examined and tucked and checked and prodded and worried over for two days and all I really wanted was to be left alone . Not to mention that my own mom was there fretting right along with Mother Nurse . I don 't grudge my mom that , because I am her daughter . But there were several times that day when I wanted to tell Mother Nurse to just get out . Like now ! That morning I had a final x - ray on my ankle . The bone hadn 't moved ( praise God ! ) so as soon as Dr . A was able he would come and cast me . By the time I had my cast it had been nearly 48 full hours that I had gone with an uncasted , broken ankle , so it was a true miracle that the bone stayed put . Then Dr . F came back , bright eyed and bushy tailed . My most recent blood work had come back normal , so as soon as physical therapy came up to give me crutches and show me how to use them I could be transferred to a regular room . But I wasn 't allowed to get out of bed until I had seen physical therapy and they had taught me how to properly hold my leg and use crutches . Mother Nurse continued to fret , but her aid was her complete opposite . I wouldn 't say she was Nurse Hatchet , but she was pretty darn close . Her bedside manner was non - existent and she clearly hated her job . I also think she resented me ( or just patients in general ) for just being sick . Because , you know , people in the hospital have control over why they are in the hospital . It sounds awful doesn 't it ? Actually it was kind a welcome discomfort because I couldn 't really feel it and I hurt so much just laying still I didn 't really want to get up . Also I was so groggy from the sedation and medication it probably wouldn 't have been safe for me to get out of bed even if I hadn 't had a broken ankle . The bath felt so good . I hadn 't bathed since Tuesday morning and I felt disgusting . So it was welcome other than Nurse ( Almost ) Hatchet being kind of rough with me . Like I said , she clearly hated her job . I had found out in the first hospital that I couldn 't use a bed pan . I just could not physically make myself pee laying down . And that was before all the medication . Something about my pain medication made it very hard for me to use the bathroom . I could tell I needed to go , but I couldn 't make myself . It became quite an issue when I was home and had been medicated for several weeks because it got to a point where I thought my bladder might explode , but I could not control my muscles . ( I know this is sort of an unsavory topic , but I 'm sharing in the interest of full disclosure . ) So anyway , I needed to pee and my mom paged the nurse 's station . Nurse ( Almost ) Hatchet walked in with a bed pan and as soon as I saw her I told her I couldn 't use a bedpan . This obviously made her mad , and it wasn 't that I wouldn 't use a bedpan , I just couldn 't . There was no use in trying . About an hour passed and I was getting ticked . I needed to use the freaking bathroom . I understood that I couldn 't walk around , but what was the big deal if I just got out of bed and used a bedside toilet ? Also , where the hell was physical therapy ? Within ten minutes PT was there . Thank goodness . They brought in a bedside toilet and the PT lady helped me to it so I could relieve myself before she started the crutches lesson . Let me tell you that when you use a bedside toilet in the hospital they watch you do it . I don 't have a shy bladder and I have no problem using public restrooms , but I wasn 't in a stall . There were no walls and there were two sets ( maybe three ) of eyes watching me . One of them was Nurse ( Almost ) Hatchet and she was shooting daggers at me the whole time . And wham , bam it was time to move me . I didn 't even get back into the other bed for a second . Mother Nurse brought in a wheelchair and took me to my new room . As soon as Jessie turned around and saw me her face pretty much confirmed everything I 'd been thinking . Everything my family had been hiding from me because they didn 't want to upset me . And Jessie corrected her expression pretty quickly , but I still saw it and in that moment I knew . Jessie walked with us to the room . Mother Nurse handed me off , after many fretful pats and tucks , and I was in a regular room ! It was much larger and I didn 't feel so closed in and claustrophobic . That was a good thing because the visitors really started to roll in then . I saw so many family and friends that day . I got more flowers and cards . It was wonderful , but by the time dinner came I was exhausted . Dr . F came in to check on me again and said he was going to discharge me the next day unless something changed . That was good . It was time to settle in and my family was trying to decide who was going to stay with me that night . Truthfully I was alright to stay alone , but they didn 't want me to have to . But they were every bit as exhausted as I was , especially Andy and Momma , and you could see that all they wanted to do was go home and get a good night 's rest before it was time to bring me home and I would need them even more . Jessie took the decision out of their hands , bless her , when she volunteered to stay the night . She went home to change clothes and get a few personal items , so my family spent a little more time with me before they went home . When it was time for shift change I met my night nurse . She was very sweet , about my age and very pregnant . She actually told me that it was her last shift before her leave . The new nurse 's aid was a middle aged lady who was so nice . She spent a lot of time talking with me about what had happened . By that point I had sort of come to realize that this was going to be a long recovery . Andy was beyond angry at the older man in the other car . I could see his point , but I also knew that being mad wasn 't going to make me heal any faster and might even make the process longer . I knew I couldn 't let myself have a bad attitude . It was what it was and all I could do was move forward which is exactly what I planned on doing . I told her all this and she listened and agreed with me . I always felt comforted when she was in the room . Jessie got there and we settled in for the night . We slept as much as we could , but my medication schedule made that pretty difficult . I alternated between Motrin and meds in my IV every three hours . After each IV injection I could sleep well until the Motrin dose . Then I would doze for the next three hours until I could have the stronger medication again and by the time I got it I was hurting pretty bad . But Jessie and I did the best we could until morning . After breakfast Dr . F came in . It was still just Jessie and me because Andy was at the apartment trying to get everything ready for me to come home and my mom was driving around filling prescriptions and getting clothes for me to wear home ( Andy had brought me a shirt , but forgot pants ) , plus a few other things that I would need . He was ready to release me , but the tubes needed to come out of my nose first . The nurse was there with me and Jessie had stepped out of the room . First he cut the stitches that were holding the tubes in . Then he used his long tweezers ( forceps ? ) to pull out the left tube . The tube was about three inches long and it was not a pleasant experience , but it wasn 't unbearable . He got ready to take out the right one and I braced myself for the same kind of uncomfortable pain . It was not the same at all . It was much , much worse . I think Dr . F knew it would be worse on the right side and that 's why he did the left first because he thought I might put up a fight if he did the right first . He would have been correct . The pain was excruciating . I 'm not even sure how to describe it . Instead of pulling something out of my nose it felt more like he was jabbing around in it with a hot poker and using it to try to pull my nose off . I was clear to go home , but I had to wait on my mom . She was driving me , but she was still waiting on prescriptions to be filled . It took forever , but I appreciate that she made me wait in the hospital instead of in the car . Finally she was there . The nurse helped me get dressed in the outfit my mom had bought . Getting dressed was really awkward . The shirt pulled over my head and it took me and two other people to keep it from touching my face . While I was getting dressed I got a look at the bruises on my body . Seeing them kind of made them hurt worse . My torso wasn 't even skin colored and there were little blue spots all over my arms where they had drawn blood and put in IVs . Also I had " rug burn " on the left side of my groin and hip from the seat belt digging in before it broke . The scab was easily 4 " tall and 6 " long . I took a deep breath and then looked away . I needed to focus on the task at hand . They gathered up all my flowers and balloons and the few personal belongings I had . The nurse also gave me one last smoothie for the road . ( It was left over from breakfast because it took me several hours to eat my smoothies . ) Getting into the car was a real challenge , but I finally made it . My mom looked like she might throw up . This was the first time I had been in a car since the accident and she didn 't want to do anything to upset me on the drive home . I think she would have gladly paid someone else to do it . Instead she just told Jessie thank you and gave her a hug , and then she got in the driver 's seat and we were on our way . I don 't remember a whole lot about the rest of the day . I know it was spent mostly getting me settled in . I was very unstable on my crutches and getting to the bathroom ( the only reason I ever got up ) was precarious . There was someone right next to me at all times to catch me when I inevitably stumbled , and after a while Andy just started using the rolling computer chair to wheel me to and from the toilet . Being home was good , but also it was clearly going to be a struggle . I was so helpless and while I had so many people there to take care of me it was still hard . Just a few days before I could wash my own clothes and cook my husband dinner . All of a sudden it was a chore to just get into the bathroom , much less use it and I couldn 't even sleep in my own bed . The next few days here at PS are going to be kind of somber . The one year anniversary of my car crash is on Wednesday and I have some things I need to say . Back when the accident happened I wrote a few posts about what went on , but I was medicated and hurt and tired and I never really said what I wanted to . That day and the few days following have been on my mind lately and I 'm going to write down what happened . Because I need to do it . It will help me move on . I 'm doing this for me . There are things I haven 't talked about because I just couldn 't say them out loud . So I 'm doing it now . You are welcome to follow along . I wouldn 't be posting it here if you weren 't . It 's going to be hard for me to write and also hard to read . Part 1 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Then things started to become more clear . My eyes were still closed , but there was something in my mouth . Something large and it wasn 't just in my mouth , but also down my throat . I could breathe , but there was a giant tube down my throat and I wanted it out . My eyes were still closed . I don 't know why I felt like I couldn 't open them , but I did . Andy and the nurse got a piece of paper and gave me a pen . Andy held the paper on something while I wrote . Another reason I was in ICU is because there was something wrong with my blood work and they were worried about my liver . There was still a chance that I would need to be transferred to a bigger hospital . The main thing I remember about Wednesday is all the people . So many nurses and doctors and visitors . I enjoyed the visitors and I was glad to see them . I was kind of overwhelmed , in a good way , with how many people came to see me in the hospital . It made me feel so loved and I cried with each new face . I also cried every time I got flowers . I think they blamed that on the medication , but honestly I was just grateful that there were so many people that loved me . That wanted me to get better . It was really the best thing about the whole situation . But , back to the medical personnel . In and out they came all day long . I almost told a few of them to please just go away and let me sleep . I just wanted to sleep . I was tired , but also I didn 't have to think about everything if I was sleeping . I could just be oblivious and I wanted that more than anything . Two women came in and took another x - ray of my ankle . When the first hospital had sent my information I guess they had said I 'd hurt my ankle , but the x - ray hadn 't shown a break . Also , since I 'd already been told I hadn 't broken my ankle I just assumed I 'd sprained it again . I had done so a few years previously and the pain wasn 't all that different . So I didn 't tell the doctors at the new hospital . Having a broken ankle bummed me out pretty bad . Until that point I had never broken a bone and then in one fail swoop I broke my nose , jaw and ankle . Welcome to the broken bone club Joanna ! Then Dr . H strolls in and looks at my teeth . He said the arch bars looked good . I told him I was pretty sure I lost at least one tooth , but he wasn 't sure and told me he 'd see me in his office after I got out of the hospital to talk about it some more . Then he started to talk about all the options there were for people like me . He said something about pulling teeth and putting in implants and then he said something about grinding them down and covering them with caps . He was trying to be reassuring but he was sending me into orbit . I was so upset and angry I couldn 't even speak . I even started to cry . I think he took that as me being grateful that eventually this would all be worked out . He was wrong . After he left my mom came in and I found my voice . I told her to find that man and tell him that under no circumstances was he to pull my teeth or grind them down . I wanted him to get his ass in gear and make a plan because I wasn 't leaving that hospital unless my teeth were straight again damn it ! Now , I 'm jumping ahead a little here in the story , but I 've spent a lot of time and energy and pain and angst trying to make my teeth straight again . And this whole time I 've been wondering why the hell we 're doing all this if my teeth are just going to die . But that is another issue , for another time . Dr . F came in a little later to check on me one last time before he left for the day . I decided I didn 't like Dr . F . He was entirely too chipper . He had a giant grin on his face when he said , " I see you broke your ankle . " And I was all , " It 's a fracture . " And he was all , " That 's the same thing . " : : laughter at the silly sick girl : : And I just let it go , but what the hell Dr . F ? I know it 's the same damn thing , but if you hadn 't noticed I 'm broken in quite a few places and if I want to call it a fracture I can ! Because " fracture " doesn 't sound as bad as " break " and for the love of all that is holy I needed something to not sound so bad ! ! ! Also he was standing at the foot of my bed next to my FRACTURED right ankle and he kept bumping the bed and jostling my ankle . Not only did that make it hurt , but let 's also remember what Dr . A said about needing to operate if the bone moved . If I 'd had the strength to lift my left leg and kick Dr . F or had something nearby to throw at him I would have , and I wouldn 't have been sorry I did it . Finally he left and the endless stream of doctors and nurses ended for a while . Except for a nutritionist that came in and asked me what I liked to eat of the soft foods they had to offer . I told her and she left . The whole time I was there they sent me stuff I said I wouldn 't eat . Oh well . Somehow I remembered that America 's Next Top Model was on . It was the season where all the models were under 5 ' 7 " and since I 'm short I 'd been watching it religiously . I tuned the television to that channel and we watched it together , but I turned down the volume after awhile because I knew he had little to no interest in watching Tyra Banks make a fool of herself . I just turned it up at the elimination . They voted off the girl named London and he actually seemed to get involved in the show . I 'm sure it was just for my benefit . Andy had gone to dinner , but locked his keys in his car . I made fun of him because he does that a lot more than me . I think it 's funny , but in all fairness he had a lot going on and I 'd probably have done the same thing . Hell , I did do the same thing when I was at the hospital with Julie while she was in labor . Karma . My dinner came . I don 't remember what all was on the platter , but I quickly found out that eating real food wasn 't going to happen . Not only could I not chew , but I couldn 't even close my mouth . And putting a spoon in there with all those stitches ? Ha ! The best I could do was drink my chocolate smoothie . And even that I had to learn how to do . I would put the straw on the back of my tongue and then make a seal with the roof of my mouth . That allowed me to suck . I didn 't taste anything I ate for about a month because nothing really touched my taste buds , but that first smoothie sure felt good on my throat . Night time came and I put on my sleep mask my mom had gone to get me . Bless her . She slept in the room with me for most of the night and Andy slept out in the waiting room . I remember him saying later that there were two old ladies in there that had set up permanent residence in the only recliners and they didn 't give them up . Ever . So he had a rough night . None of us slept well really . I was able to get a few blissful hours of peace in between nurse 's visits . I needed medication often and of course she had to keep a close eye on my vitals . I felt like I was never going to be able to rest again . I just wanted to rest . Why wouldn 't they let me rest ? The next few days here at PS are going to be kind of somber . The one year anniversary of my car crash is on Wednesday and I have some things I need to say . Back when the accident happened I wrote a few posts about what went on , but I was medicated and hurt and tired and I never really said what I wanted to . That day and the few days following have been on my mind lately and I 'm going to write down what happened . Because I need to do it . It will help me move on . I 'm doing this for me . There are things I haven 't talked about because I just couldn 't say them out loud . So I 'm doing it now . You are welcome to follow along . I wouldn 't be posting it here if you weren 't . It 's going to be hard for me to write and also hard to read . I don 't remember much about the morning . I 'm sure I slept in as I always do on non workdays . Andy and I had just finished our taxes the night before and were planning on mailing in our paperwork that day so we weren 't waiting until the very last minute . April 14 is close enough to the deadline for us ( P . S . we filed early this year ) . Also , I had a package waiting for me at the post office . It was from Amazon . A book and CD that I 'd ordered with a birthday gift card . I had tried to pick it up on Saturday , but the office was closed . Actually I think the package was why I was going to the post office that day . If I hadn 't had that incentive I would have probably put the taxes off until Wednesday . So I got up and showered . I wanted to look nice because I was planning on doing a little shopping after I ran my errand . I put on my favorite pair of jeans , a nice purple blouse ( for Maddie ) and my favorite floral patterned trench coat . The day was rainy and gloomy so my trench coat offered protection from the rain and also from the gloom because it was so bright and cheerful . Then I posted this about my half painted toenails from Easter Sunday two days before . Boy howdy , did I regret that later in the hospital when innumerable people saw my toes . I haven 't left my house with unpainted toes since . I 'm not kidding . The drive to the post office only took a few minutes . It really isn 't very far . After mailing the taxes and getting my package I walked back out to the Jeep to open it . Everything was there and I was so excited to listen to my new CD . I wrestled with the plastic wrapping and then with the sticker holding it closed . Finally it opened . I popped it into the player and drove away from the post office . It was about 2 : 00 . The actual impact and following seconds are , blessedly , buried in my subconscious . The last thing I remember is seeing the other car in my lane and then I woke up . I must have regained consciousness before I regained awareness . I 've been told by people on the scene that I was actually in the floorboard underneath the steering wheel and I pulled myself back into the seat . I have no memory of that happening . There were so many emotions . I was confused and not a little surprised to find that I had been unconscious . I knew I 'd been hit , but somehow I just didn 't think it should have been enough to knock me out . I was angry . This was going to put a serious cramp in my plans for the day , and I wanted to know what the heck the other car was doing on my side of the road . All these thoughts happened in just a few seconds and then I tried to take a breath to calm myself down . I 'm sure it only lasted a few seconds but it felt like an eternity . Real panic started to set in and I could feel myself losing consciousness again . My eyes were still closed at that point , but the light that I saw got dimmer . I saw faces . Andy , my parents , my grandparents , aunts , uncles , cousins . I saw Julie and her pregnant belly and I longed so much to meet the child inside . I did not want to die . I was not ready . And it wasn 't just for me - it was for them too . Instant relief . Even if it happened again I had more time before the paramedics came . Time was so precious in that moment . Then I opened my eyes . There were two people standing in front of my car . One of them was an older man and the other was a woman just a little older than me . Somehow I knew he was the one . Maybe it was the look on his face , but I just knew . I was angry again , but in a different way . I felt pity for him . He was clearly very old . Why was he still aloud to drive ? Didn 't his family care enough about him to drive him around ? This was their fault . I started to evaluate the situation inside my car . I knew I felt very disoriented . I didn 't feel pain , but I didn 't feel good either . The best way to describe it was to say I felt very weak . Then a voice . A woman . She was at my window . I had cracked it about two inches to let in some fresh air , but still keep out the rain . Suddenly there was a flurry of activity . People all around me . Talking through my windows . Asking me questions . What was my name ? How old was I ? I answered them . At some point I remembered what I 'd said about Andy and wondered why I had told them to call his work . It could take forever to track him down . There were so many people so I just started asking for someone to call my husband . A female voice ( I don 't know if it was the same one ) told me they had called his work . I told her that would take too long and gave her his cell number . She was gone again , but just a minute later she came back . He was just up the street at the hardware store . He could have seen the accident from there . She said he was on his way . He told me later he thought I was already dead , or very close , because of how upset the person on the other end of the phone sounded . I think I must have been going in and out of consciousness because I remember someone saying that my doors wouldn 't open and they were going to have to force them open . Then a man told me I was going to hear a loud noise , but it was alright and not to be frightened . I never heard it . The next thing I knew they were in the car . One in particular I do remember . Her name was Marie . She was a paramedic and she was trying to keep me calm and keep an eye on my vital signs while everyone else worked to get me out . Once they were in the car I opened my eyes again and then I saw my hood . It was bent up so bad and that was the moment my brain chose to register the fact that my Jeep was done for . My long time love that I had paid for and painstakingly kept running was no more . I might walk away , but my Jeep wouldn 't . Heartbreak . I said , " Oh my God ! My car ! " and that 's when I felt my bottom teeth . My perfectly straight , born with them , teeth were ruined . It was so bad I was certain I 'd lost several and at that moment I also spit out a tooth fragment . My next statement ? " Oh my God ! My teeth ! " Marie said something like , " Yeah . You 're hurt pretty bad . But don 't worry they can fix your nose and teeth and at least the cut on your face is under your chin so you won 't be able to see the scar . " I had no idea what my injuries were . I was too disoriented to look in the mirror . I knew there was blood , but hadn 't figured out where that came from yet . That was the only complaint I had with Marie . A word of advice to anyone reading , if you are ever in Marie 's position do not under any circumstances rattle off all the person 's injuries unless they ask . Then Andy got there . They let him in the car for a second . As soon as I heard his voice , " Hey baby , " I broke down . I hadn 't cried up to that point and I was on the verge of a serious meltdown . Marie saw it coming and talked me down . She was a serious godsend that day and I 'm forever grateful to her . They put me in a neck brace . That would have been incredibly uncomfortable anyway , but it sat right on where my chin was cut and that was the first time I felt pain . I had to hold my head just right to keep the brace from putting too much pressure on my chin . While they were working all around me I started to pray . I raised my hands and prayed . I have no idea what I said , but I prayed harder than I ever have . All of a sudden it was time to get me out , but one of the men asked me to move my limbs and made sure I didn 't feel pain they couldn 't already see . I moved all my arms and legs one joint at a time . That 's when I felt my ankle . It hurt , but only when I moved it . I told him so and since that was the only other obvious issue he asked me to help push myself out . The driver 's side door was bent shut so they had to pull me out through the passenger side . He had my shoulders and I pushed the best I could . It happened very quickly and easily . I was out and on a board . I remember looking up and seeing faces , so many faces . I asked everyone that would listen their name and thanked them for coming . I 'd never been so glad to see a bunch of strangers in my life . I was overcome with gratitude for their presence and their knowledge . Andy was still there . He asked me what happened . Was it my fault ? He said some other things , but I started ordering him to call people . Call my mom ! Call Julie ! Get my purse and use my phone ! The skies had opened up and I was getting rained on so they got me into " the bus " which is what they called the ambulance . The other driver ( remember him ? ) was in there too . He had said he was a little dizzy so they took him to the hospital too . For just a second we were in there alone . I was looking around at the inside of the ambulance and then I saw him . He was upside down because he was seated behind my head . I almost told him that it was OK . But then I realized I was lying there on a board , wearing a neck brace and it most certainly was not OK . I didn 't know what it was , but it wasn 't OK . So I just didn 't say anything . I looked away . That was the last time I saw him . Then Marie was there by my side again and we were moving . ( I later found out that this whole process took about 30 minutes . ) She and her partner , Topher , were asking so many questions . Then my phone rang . It was Andy . I had put my phone in my jacket instead of my purse and he 'd spent several minutes frantically searching my car for it . Oops . I didn 't really have a choice , but I was not at all happy about that . I still mourn that jacket . It was just so perfect . Once we got to the hospital and I was wheeled into the ER there was another flurry of activity . People everywhere . Nurses and orderlies . The doctor came in . I still remember his name . He was very kind and told me they were going to take care of me . This whole time my panic and concern had been at a minimum . Somehow I just felt very peaceful , like it was all going to be alright . Whether it was prayer or my own disillusionment I don 't know , but I 'm grateful . Andy was there right behind me and I asked if he 'd called my mom and Julie . He said he had and my mom was on her way . Then he said that Julie couldn 't come because she was keeping her friend 's kids that week . I remembered that as soon as he said it and do you know what I said ? I said , " Oh ! Poor thing ! " because those kids are kind of hyper and Julie was still having morning sickness . The nurses had to cut off the rest of my clothes . They actually asked me , but I said , " Well you 've already cut off my jacket so why not cut up everything else too . " I was mad about my clothes . The only things that made it out alive were my shoes , my bra ( covered in blood ) and my panties ( that I still can 't find even though Andy swears they came home with us ) . First of all she was smaller than I am and she didn 't have anyone to help her . By that point I was starting to feel the pain all over my body and let 's not forget my ankle was possibly broken . Still she made me scoot myself off the gurney and onto the x - ray table . I asked her if she didn 't have someone to help her move me and she ignored me . First up was my head , and then my ankle that she picked up and dropped several times on the table . Oh , don 't mind me and my possibly broken ankle lady . I 'm just an actual person here on this table and not a practice dummy . She took some more with me on my back and then told me to roll over onto my side . I just told her no and when she asked why no I told her that too . " I have just been in a car accident ! I am in PAIN ! " Someone else came in to draw blood . Her name was Jennifer . She was about my age and very pretty and I told her so . By that point I knew my face had been ruined and even if they could fix it I was upset . So when she told me I was pretty too I just cried . I don 't blame her , what was she supposed to say ? Back to the ER I went and by that time Andy 's parents and my mom were there . As soon as I saw my mom I started to cry in earnest . There is just something about seeing your mother in that kind of situation . Her presence made me feel like I was going to be OK and at the same time like I was still the little girl she had raised and it was alright to have a good cry . So I did . Then they needed to prep me so the doctor could come and stitch up my chin . The nurse came in and started to get me ready . Then I started crying again when I was telling my mom about praying in the car . The nurse and my mom were crying with me . I was pretty pitiful . At some point someone told us they hadn 't found any broken bones on my x - rays . They were wrong , but I didn 't know that until the next day . When they sent the plastic surgeon in I knew who he was . Everything about him said , " doctor " and he was with a man who was training to be a physician 's assistant . They were both so kind and reassuring and while the doctor got ready his assistant took the time to clean my hands . They were still covered in blood . He talked to me all about his family and how he had decided in the middle of his life to change careers and pursue medicine which had always been his dream . He was quite an inspiration . During my examination we discovered that my chin was numb and I couldn 't feel a lot of what he was doing . He told me I had an exposed nerve and clearly it had been damaged . He wasn 't able to tell me if it would heal . " Time will tell " was all he could say . He proceeded to numb the rest of my mouth and face so he could put in the stitches , but then he paused when he saw how bad my teeth were . He wasn 't sure he trusted himself enough to take care of those and they might need to transfer me to another hospital . After he made a phone call he came back and told me that he and another surgeon had decided it would be better to transfer me . That was probably the best decision made that day because I needed so much more than just a few stitches . My step dad came while we waited for the transfer . He has a hard time when I 'm upset over anything and I would tell he was rocked by how I looked . It isn 't often he loses his cool , but I could tell he had . Finally it was time and Marie and Topher came around the corner . I was glad to see them again . I felt like I had already developed a relationship with them and I was comfortable riding with them to the other hospital . Marie rode with me and Topher drove . It was very peaceful and the first time that day I 'd really been allowed to rest . I was kind of sorry when the drive ended . When they wheeled me into the new ER I looked at all the nurses and said , " Hello ! " I was very chipper for whatever reason . Most likely it was the pain medication . I don 't remember the exact time I got there . It was around dinner time because Andy stopped to eat before he came to the hospital . I had a few more moments of peace , so I closed my eyes and got a little rest . I wasn 't able to sleep , but being left alone was nice . Two surgeons came in . One was going to look me over and make sure I didn 't have any internal injuries they couldn 't fix . If so they were going to transfer me again . The other was there for my facial injuries . He was going to operate that night as long as I wasn 't hurt to badly internally . The first surgeon poked and prodded me . My right side hurt around my ribs . I could see the concern on his face . He ordered more x - rays and a CAT scan ( I think ) . Andy came back to see me for a minute and then two women came down to wheel me up for my x - rays . One of them was the sister of a guy I went to High School with . It 's such a small world we live in . After all the scans and x - rays I went back to the ER to wait for results . Andy sat with me a little while . He came in and out . Our family was in the waiting room and he split his time between me and them . During my wait a guy came into the ER with his parents who said he shot himself in the shoulder looking through his hunting stuff . His story sounded pretty lame and I don 't think anyone really believed he got shot the way he said he did . I didn 't believe him and I couldn 't see him . They put him in the ER bay next to me . Now , I 'm not saying it doesn 't hurt to get shot , I 'm sure it does . But this guy was a big ' ole baby . He yelled and cried and wailed while they were treating him . I said something about it when the nurse came in to check on me and she smiled and said , " Well , I wasn 't going to say anything , but I wanted to tell him that I have a woman over here that 's hurt a lot worse and she hasn 't made a peep ! " That made me laugh . Andy was holding my hand and I was lying flat on the gurney . The florescent lights has covers over them with pictures of clouds and flowers . There were also pictures taped to the ceiling tiles . There was a picture above me of a rabbit and I started to tell the anesthesiologist about Brunswick and Milton . Then I got a little worried because Andy and I had been gone so long from home . No one had fed them that night . Andy assured me they would be fine . The anesthesiologist started the medication and I drifted off thinking of my two little fur balls . Also I said that I would follow up later with a more thorough review because I hadn 't had a chance to put the books principles into place . What is a diet book review unless you actually practice what it preaches ? So I have been , or I 've been trying . The main idea is to learn self control . This is achieved by facing food head on and not by running away from it . Food is a necessity for life . You have to eat to live and why would you want to live your whole life denying yourself when it is so natural to eat and enjoy eating ? I wholeheartedly agree . I don 't believe in dieting for weight loss . It just seems like that word , " diet , " has taken on such an awful meaning for people when in fact your diet is simply the food you consume . Your daily diet . Not a bad word at all . It shouldn 't be scary and neither should eating . There is so much information in the book that I can 't really convey it all here . The point is that you should enjoy your food . Enjoy preparation . Enjoy consumption . All without fear or guilt . I have been doing my best to " live French " since I finished the book . I 'm currently in the " recasting period " outlined in the book . I 've been doing pretty well . I 've been encouraged to try new foods that I didn 't regularly put in my shopping cart and so far I 've been very pleased with the results . We don 't own a scale and I haven 't weighed myself regularly since . . . well I don 't know since when . I step on the scale once a year at the doctor 's office and that 's it . I don 't really pay a lot of attention to the number because I 'm alright as long as I feel good and look how I want to look . Sure there is always that little bit of flab I 'd like to get rid of , but for the most part I 've always been happy with my body . Until lately . I still don 't think I look all that bad . I 'm one of the fortunate few that gains weight in a somewhat even manner and though my measurements grow they all stay in the same proportion to each other . But the last month or so I can tell that I am uncomfortable with the excess weight on my body . Then yesterday I went in for that once a month weigh in and well . . . This last year I haven 't been nearly as active as usual . I did spend a good bit of time on the track last summer , but then it got cold . I don 't run in the cold weather . Not just because of the record snow we had this winter , but also because of the wind . It can be 45 outside but the wind makes it feel like 30 . It 's miserable , so like usual I took a winter break from running . But I didn 't work this year either which is new for me . I 've had the most sedentary year ever . Along with that came a lot of free time to indulge in one of my most favorite things : baking . I had ample time on my hands to bake and partake and that is exactly what I did . All these things together have amounted to a body that I am unhappy with . Not just because of how it looks , but because I feel bad . Physically my body is failing me and it 's all my fault . I have started running again . Which was not at all bad . My speed and endurance haven 't slipped like I thought they would and I feel really good . It 's encouraging to know that my year of sloth hasn 't completely put me out of the game . As I continue on this journey to health I 'll update you . Like I said , we don 't own a scale so I won 't be doing weekly weigh ins . It 's just not who I am . Relying on my body is a much better guide to fitness for me . And weekly updates aren 't my style . I would get tired of it and getting healthy would start to feel like a chore . I have " before " pictures that I 'm not going to post yet . Sorry , but this isn 't a " tell all " and I do censor myself from time to time . Maybe one day . I 'm going to continue " living French " along with restarting my exercise routine . I hope these next few weeks bring some welcome changes . Here 's to getting healthy and staying that way . In the meantime feel free to share your own journey to health in the comments or send me an email . I had been craving KFC for a while so I decided that 's what I wanted for my big birthday meal . How extravagant ! But we were planning on having a picnic and KFC is nothing if not perfect picnic food . The wind was pretty rough on Saturday so we ended up eating in the restaurant . Oh well . Andy took me to the local outlet stores and I picked out a dress to go with the shoes Andy got me and a trench coat . When I was in the car crash last year I was wearing my favorite jacket , a floral print trench coat , and they had to cut if off of me . It was the perfect light jacket for spring in the mountains and I 've been mourning it , so I got another one to replace it . It isn 't a floral print , but I still love it ! This is a banner that Julie and Mina made for me . Julie cut out all the letters to say " Happy Birthday Joanna " and then she took a picture of Mina with each letter . It 's so cute ! ( click photo to enlarge ) |
" So I go to school at Pelican Falls High School . It used to be a old Aboriginal residential school . So many people / kids have died in the area . We live on site so there is quite a bit of us in a single big house . Other times you would be able to hear a man yelling in the hallway in the middle of the night . The male gender wouldn 't be allowed upstairs and our doors would be locked at 11pm , so no way they would get in at 2 am in the morning . And it would be scary , usually would have to listen to music and drain out the sounds . Eventually I got to the point where I no longer wanted to live in this lodge because I couldn 't stand the paranormal activity . So I pleaded and begged my dad if I could move in early with my boyfriend , despite the fact that our relationship was still very new . I was able to sway him to allow me to move in with my boyfriend and his parents just until we got a place of our own . The common complaint among the majority of the tourists was that someone would come into their room in the middle of the night , walk around their bed , and stand at the foot of the bed staring at them . They would hear the footsteps in the hallway slowly working their way up to their room and then they would feel the presence of someone come in . But most were too afraid to look and see who the intruder was , so naturally in the morning the tourists would confront my father in regards to see if he had intruded into their room at night . Even after 10 years of time , maybe even more , there was still a high amount of paranormal activity . My husband ended up staying in the lodge with me as well . When I had told him that the lodge was a little haunted and to not be afraid he seemed more of a skeptic , he laughed it off . But after staying in the lodge within 3 months , he had seen and felt enough to become a believer as well . One instance happened when it was just him and myself alone in the lodge . It was early morning and my husband had decided to wake up and make a big breakfast for the two of us . The kitchen was huge to say the least , there were two entrances one that led from the hallway down to the rooms and had a staircase that would take you to the lower level , and also an entrance from the living room area . It turns out that while Dave was cooking breakfast he had seen me walk by him to the lower level and he assumed that I was going to have a shower . He asked me as I passed by if I was heading to have a shower and if I wanted him to come because he knew how freaked out and uncomfortable I was when I went to shower . He then asked again and called " Baby ? " twice . No response , so he assumed that perhaps I was just ignoring him . I finished getting dressed and I walked in from the stairway / hall entrance . He immediately asked me , " Did you have a good shower ? " My response of course was No . He then proceeded to ask me if I had at least just come from downstairs , " Didn 't you just come from downstairs ? " By this time he was really starting to wig me out and I confronted him by saying , " What are you talking about ? I was just in the bedroom getting dressed ? How could I possibly be in two places at once ? " His face went so uncharacteristically pale that I knew something was up . This was not the only strange incident when we stayed in that lodge . We often heard the phantom steps of someone walking the halls at night . Also our cat , she acted so strange during the night . She ran into one of the furthest rooms down the hall and hid under the bunk bed in a far corner and refused to come out . I literally had to go and fetch her myself , not a pleasant situation . I hated going into the rooms that were the furthest down the hall , they made me so uncomfortable and scared , the hairs on my neck always stood on end . Not only that , I conducted a few experiments on my own . When my husband happened to be in town , as I did not like to see the end of the hallways and the other rooms , I put up a double mattress that would block the hallway to the other rooms . All throughout the day I was spooked . I heard noises and steps and so many noises I couldn 't find the source of . I found enough courage in myself to speak directly to the spirits or spirit that was bothering me . At first I asked it to make a small knock on my door to let me know he was there . I did this experiment a few times . Each time I asked the spirit to knock a little louder , and every time there would be a knock . Hours crawled by and I felt like I would be alone in the lodge forever . Finally my husband got home after me sending him multiple pleading texts for him to come back to the lodge because I was too afraid to stay by myself . He finally came home and he saw on my face that I was visibly shaken , and I was a blubbering lunatic trying to explain what had happened . On multiple accounts people have said that there was something strange about that lodge . My father himself and his girlfriend had heard eerie , old music coming from downstairs , as if played from an old record player . On closer inspection they couldn 't find a single thing downstairs that played music , let alone would sound like music . I personally think that there are multiple spirits trapped in the lodge , and unfortunately some of them are just trouble makers but there is a fair share of very dark and unhappy spirits . There are places in this lodge such as the cargo bay or the downstairs bathroom , you can 't stay more than ten minutes in the area because you feel as if something really bad will happen to you and your skin just crawls . You feel as if you 're being watched in the bathroom and you shower so quick that its more or less a drip dry shower because you can 't stand staying any longer than necessary in the bathroom . I was never able to find any research on this lodge . All I know was that at one point it was meant for loggers . When it was dug up it had extremely expensive logging equipment in the bottom of the lodge , the bilge . Of course all of this equipment was thrown out or had to be salvaged , most of it was water logged and covered in fine silt like mud . Months on end I would help my dad clean out the smudge and gunk to try and get it to float again which eventually it did . His intention was to sell it , but the sheer number of misfortunes and bad luck that surrounded it made me wonder . In the end he was never able to sell it , nor was he able to make any money from it , as the upkeep of such a large lodge and not enough profit caused him to give up . He gave in throwing his hands up and stopped working on it . And I no longer know who the current owner of that particular lodge is , but the heartache and sheer frustration it caused my father was enough for him to want nothing more to do with it . He still to this day won 't say for sure that he was certain it was haunted . But he did tell me that there was without a doubt something very unusual about that lodge . My father is a very skeptical man himself , even confronted with unexplained phenomenon he still refuses to believe what his own eyes and heart tell him . And despite the fact that he likes to play it off as if he doesn 't believe in it , he has told me before that he sensed something or someone in that lodge . Thank you for your time , and your patience . This story that I have relayed to you is accurate 100 % and I can almost guarantee that if one was to go in this lodge as of today it would still be haunted . Whether or not you 're brave enough to step onto it is a whole different story to tell . The first steps onto this lodge into the cargo bay will set your hair on ends and make you sweat uncomfortably . " " We moved into an apartment in North Bay on Worthington Street West . It was a building with a barber shop downstairs , an upstairs apartment and downstairs apartment . When we first looked at the apartment there were two doors with no handles , only locks . We asked the landlord what was in those rooms and he stated it was storage . We asked to see in the rooms and he never wanted to show us . As we had no other option we had to move in to that apartment . There was always cold drafts of air coming from the 2 rooms from under the door . This seemed a little strange , but we just associated it with the building being old . Shortly after we moved in things started to happen . A box of Kraft dinner went flying from on the counter to across the room hitting the wall on the other side . A couple of weeks later I went into the kitchen only to see the 26 ounce bottle of alcohol was parallel to the top of the fridge standing up floating in mid air . As soon as I saw it , the bottle fell to the floor and landed standing up as if someone had picked it up and put it down on the ground . The last straw was when we woke up to a party downstairs . We could hear people talking downstairs , the water was running , it sounded like there was a party which would not be unusual except for the fact that no one else was living there …… . We were the only ones in the building when all this happened . The bottom apartment was vacant . At first we thought people had broken in downstairs and were using it as a party place but in the morning when I went to look outside there was not one foot print in the snow leading to the downstairs apartment . As soon as we were able to find another place to live we moved the heck out of there . " " I lived in a beautiful large bungalow with my mother and father . When I was born there was a rocking chair in my bedroom . My mother would rock me to sleep , nothing scaring or unusual there ? Wrong . Each time my mother would sit in the rocking chair she would hear kind of like snoring , almost as if someone is having an asthma attack , wheezy . It was scary for her at the time . She told my father about it and he searched the house trying to find the source of this sound . Nothing . My mother then said for him to sit in the chair and as soon as he sat down he heard the snoring . He stood up and it was gone , the sound could only be heard in that chair . About 6 years later , I was an only child so I played by myself . I was playing at the end of my hallway until I saw this small girl wearing a white dress , white hat , high socks , parasol , very olden like . I ask her , " Hi , would you like to play with me ? " The girl turned , looked at me then walked into my parents ' room and disappeared into thin air . My father did some research with the man who sold us the property . My father told him all that was happening . The man said there was a lady who once lived on the property in a shack . She was dying of a very contagious virus which made it unbelievably hard to breath , almost like being suffocated . She was placed there to die away from others so they would not be infected . Once she passed they burnt the shack down . When I was about 13 my father finally told me the story . Me and my neighbor used to explore my backyard a lot , we would always find old pots and pans , even a light bulb . It hit me that all of those things belonged to the woman . The snoring , having that virus caused wheezing or snoring - like sound . When I turned 16 , my asthma was very bad , I woke up one night gasping for air . I couldn 't breath , my parents had to call 911 because I was going to die . Before blacking out in the hospital I see the familiar figure of a girl walking towards my bedside , she whispered " don 't worry darling , god 's on your side " . She left after that and I fell into black nothingness . Once I recovered and came home , there wasn 't anymore snoring , nothing unusual , she was gone . Later on the years we , actually me and my father , were digging for worms in my back yard , just for fishing . We actually dug up bones , human bones . We sent them away to be tested and the results were that it was in fact a woman . Was it the woman who long ago passed on our lot ? We will never know . " We also had an old garage in the yard that no girls would go into . As I explained to my husband , it 's the feeling of a grouchy old man that does not want any women in his garage . Very bad vibes . 5 years ago everyone in the house was sleeping but me . Every time I started falling asleep I heard noises . Like banging or doors closing . I must have got up about 4 times to check the kids . I tried going to sleep and the TV in our bedroom turned on and off several times , and then the light in our room turned on . This time , my husband woke up . He asked me if I was burning something . No I wasn 't . We walked around the house and found nothing , yet we could smell smoke . Our bedroom window was opened and it seemed like the smoke was coming inside from outside . I opened the front door , stepped outside and could smell smoke bad . It was the house … It was on fire . Everyone got out of the house , except the family dog . The next morning the fire department released the house . And above the door way at the main entrance it looked like " boooo " was written above the door where the paint come off . It spooked me out . We did get a picture of the door way . I then proceeded to clean the mirror in the bathroom in the basement . As I was wiping the foam off of the mirror I saw a woman walk behind me . She was looking straight ahead , not looking at me . She had on a white dress with a mandarin - type collar with lace . She had long , dark hair , tied back at the nape of her neck . I turned around quickly but there was no one there . I ran up the stairs and the rest of the day was on edge . That night I tried to tell my husband what I saw . He has never believed in ghosts so was barely listening . A few minutes later the room we were in turned freezing cold . As it was not cold outside it was very strange . The next evening I came home from work and the radio was playing in the kitchen . Very strange because that radio was seldom turned on . While I was cooking , the light burned out in the kitchen followed later in the evening by the light at the back entrance . The next night our TV turned off while we were watching it . 1 . I went out for supper with my daughter and her boyfriend . When we were seated , the waiter ask what happened to the lady that was with us . He swore another lady was with us when we came in . 2 . I was out for lunch with a coworker and she ask about Victoria . When I proceed to tell her , a cream container in a bowl on the table popped it 's lid and sprayed us both with milk . The final happening was in the evening . I was home alone trying to watch TV and knit . I was getting uncomfortable and it was getting dark so I took my dog upstairs and got ready for bed . I shut the bedroom door but had not locked it . I was reading a book in bed when my little dog got up and went to the end of the bed . His ears were standing up and he was growling . I started to get up to lock the door when the door banged , as if hit , and flew open . The room was immediately cold . Neither the dog nor I got much sleep that night . Later that morning a friend of my son 's came over . His parents ' house was across the alley from our house . He said he was coming home the night before and he was late . He pulled up to their garage , the garage door opened and he had not pushed the button . He thought one of his parents must be waiting for him and was in the garage , so he pulled in . The door immediately shut . He said he was scared because there were no lights on and he couldn 't see anyone in the garage . He finally got up the nerve to run from the car into the house . His parents were in bed . My daughter still has the armoire . Her husband offered for me to take it last year when they moved out of Canada . I told him , " Not for a million dollars would it come back to my house . " |
We started the day with no plans besides yard work but a text from my cousin Amanda gave us a goal to work toward . They had driven into town for the day and wanted us to join them for dinner . I suggested Pop 's and we set the time . They went to the zoo but we hit the back yard . That doesn 't seem right . After they ended their zoo time early we quickly showered and headed that way . Our group of 10 had grown to 16 before we knew it . . . . and Pop 's really isn 't set up for large parties . It 's a gas station after all . After waiting about an hour we were seated , at 3 separate tables . And there was one person who only had one cheek on the booth the entire time we were there . I don 't need to name names . But you know what ? Everyone had an absolute blast . Kennedy , Reagan , and their 13 year old cousin Skylar ended up at a table together . They looked completely uncomfortable . Kennedy and Reagan pulled out their cell phones and started playing while they waited for their food . Skylar only spoke once during the in the restaurant time and it was to say he wished he 'd had his phone , but he was grounded from it . As soon as they were done eating they asked if they could go outside to a big grassy field and play . We of course said yes and finished our meals and chatted before heading out . By the time we got out there they had seriously bonded . As in running around chasing each other . For about 30 minutes . Non - stop . Then the bubbles came out and even McKinley played with them . The adults spent a lot of time chatting , and me ? I of course took pictures . So my Memorial Day was alright . Good sleep , good food , fun location , yard work accomplished , and wonderful time spent with family . Who needs a crowded lake ? Friday we headed to Lubbock for Ashley 's graduation . We wouldn 't have missed it for the world . We also got to see the Funk 's and catch up on some serious family bonding : c ) Saturday night we headed to one of my least favorite places . The Texas Tech campus . Only for Ashley . And Tyler two years before . I wondered how they got all three high schools through when I noticed this on the overhead screen . They do all three on the same day ! Wow . I don 't think I 've ever been to a 10 a . m . graduation . Luckily we were attending the 6 p . m . one . Shawn had bought me a doubler for my telephoto lens earlier that day so that I could get some good shots of Ashley getting her diploma . I really wish I 'd had a few days to play with it . That much weight and distance is an adjustment ! I didn 't want to keep changing lenses so I couldn 't get the whole class in one . . . unless I took it from an image from the overhead screen . My class of 72 looks incredibly small . I can 't even imagine a class this size . I think there were over 500 . Ashley had told us that the girls were ' supposed ' to wear heels . It was interesting to see all the interpretations of heels . And it was interesting to see all the different heels ! These kept catching my eye . Probably because they were sparkly : ) I have a friend named Tammy that grew up in the same small school that I did . She didn 't finish there though . We lost contact and it wasn 't until she popped up on myspace years ago that I found out she 'd moved to Lubbock . Two years ago when we were there visiting the girls and I met her , her son Stormy , and her twin daughters at a park and caught up . Because of that I got an invitation to Stormy 's graduation and party . Tammy had no idea that I was going to be in town . And I decided to surprise her ! As we walked into her house I realized I didn 't know a single person . So I had to explain who I was to everyone who was staring at me . Finally Tammy came around the corner and got a pretty big surprise ! I loved it . I got to spend some time with her family , we swapped some stories , and left with a big smile on my face . We headed to Lubbock this morning because our beautiful bonus daughter is graduating high school tomorrow night . As we were getting closer to Amarillo Shawn started talking about The Big Texan . He 's wanted to go forever and this time it was going to happen . The place is so cute . We bought some fudge and turtles from the candy store and stared at the 72 oz . steak and all the food that goes with it that 's part of the challenge . You see , if you can eat a 72 oz . steak and all the things that go with it in an hour , it 's free . We were sitting right next to the challenge table . See the 6 clocks ? As soon as the insane person takes their first bite and says it 's cooked as they wanted it , they timer starts . I had a picture of the steak on the grill and apparently went to be with the Lord , because I can 't find it . But if you look closely you can see the grill master holding it up . She did that when people wanted a picture of it . She also yelled " 72 ! ! " at the top of her lungs . I have to say , it startled me every single time . And then he sat down . He had to be about college age . And let me just say , he had muscles in places that I didn 't know you could have them . His jaw was muscular . He had on a tank top with no arms . . . or sides , and we could see the muscles in his back . I wondered if his stomach had muscles . By the time we 'd paid he still had 20 minutes left . . . . and it wasn 't looking good . Poor guy . If we hadn 't had family waiting we would have hung around . We did take time to take a few pictures and sign the boot . It sure does help to always have a Sharpie in my purse . Even though my boss repeatedly steals them . So we 'd finally been to the Big Texan . And I 'd discovered they have MSG in the seasoning . . . that they put on everything . At least the experience was worth the stop . Oh , that and the turtle we bought at the candy counter . I don 't eat fudge . Holy cow that thing was good ! I 'd drive back to Amarillo right now to get another one . Unless someone wants to deliver . . . 5 . When faced with an out of town trip , while head over heels in love with the EOS , Shawn will start researching pricing on U - Haul trailers . 6 . After purchasing a car that seats only 4 of the 5 people in our family , we may or may not plan stuff around one of the girls being at a friends house for the night . 7 . I did a little happy dance when I filled it up for the first time . 8 . After dark I still need sunglasses because there 's a lot of stuff flying in the air . How in the world are we already at the last day of school ? I promise you this year just started . I think next year will be easier though . This year with a new high schooler and a new middle schooler , it was rough . But my baby is still in elementary . But nest year she 'll be upstairs . Last year at the end of school I was talking to a friend who was teary when talking about her twins moving to the second story . I of course was nice about it but was a little giggly later because it 's only upstairs . You know what ? As I was waiting for Reagan to come out to the car is really hit me . . . . my baby will be upstairs next year . And I have to say , I got a little teary . The Middle School awards assembly had been cancelled because of possible bad weather . I was thrilled because it meant I didn 't have to grab Kennedy and run back and forth the few blocks between the church and school . As we were getting in the car it sprinkled a bit . The sky , the cancelled assembly , and the 10 drops of rain freaked McKinley out . So as soon as we got home we turned on the weather . Nothing was near us so she went to bed relieved . But after she was gone the weather man said that tomorrow was going to be 100x worse . Yikes . In two blocks we are the only house that doesn 't have a basement . I wish I knew why . But that just means we have our pick of which neighbor we want to bless with our presence . Since we have a key to my old house across the street , we have always gone there . But if I had to pick a place in our house that would be the safest , I 'd pick under the stairs . Which is my pantry . Starting early this morning I did what I always do when bad weather is coming . . . . stuff the pantry . I take all the pictures off the walls that aren 't scanned and saved . That would be just about every single one . I have a lot of old family pictures . Next goes our wedding album , and my parents . And since I had someplace to go during the day , my laptop and my camera . McKinley saw me doing this and got freaked out again . That my friends is bad parenting . She was headed to take a final . I quickly assured her that every time I did that nothing ever happened . She seemed to be okay with that . Oh , and a Sonic drink . I should have warned you it wasn 't pretty . My friend that does my hair was really concerned about the weather . She 'd told her husband his job for the day was to find a place for them to go that was underground . I was thinking of more things to put in the pantry . When the girls and I got home from school we turned on the news and just sat and watched . Soon enough a tornado was on the ground in a neighboring town . We were still fine . But when it got to a much closer neighboring town I started planning our move across the street . When Shawn called and asked if we 'd left I got really concerned . I am always begging him to leave with us and he 's always saying we 're fine . The year that our town was actually hit and we lost our garage door I carried all three girls across the street in the rain and then called and threatened to divorce him if he didn 't join us . So as soon as I hung up we headed over . After about 30 minutes of sitting in their great room I had the girls take our stuff to the basement . And they asked if they could stay down there . I was glued to the tv and was tracking Shawn to see if he was coming home or staying at work . I was so relieved when I tracked him on our street and ran to the door and found him there . The weather people were showing the tornadoes on the ground and from the sky . The debris clouds were showing up on radar . It was bad . About 10 miles from us there was total destruction . One of our 2nd grade teachers lost everything . Including her horses . I heard on Twitter that horses in that area were being found with metal pieces sticking through their bodies . A Twitter friends husband was asked to shoot 3 horses of a friend who all had something stuck in them . We never had to get in the basement , and for that I am so grateful . A TNT friend 's in - laws also lost everything . She took over 100 pictures and shared them on her profile page . Take a look . It 's amazing . If this link doesn 't work please tell me . I want you all to see that even though these people lost everything , they are so blessed to be alive . Two miles away a mom , her 5 year old daughter , 3 year old son , and 15 month old son took refuge in a bathtub with a mattress over them . The mom , 5 year old , and 15 month old were taken to the hospital for serious injuries . The 3 year old son is missing . APosted by I woke up yesterday with a sore throat . And this morning ? Even worse . But my crazy day doesn 't care . I did send the girls to school and then crawl back in bed for 2 hours . I do believe that 's the only way I got through the day . My schedule ? And did I mention I didn 't feel good ? I was trying to figure out how to go on Reagan 's field trip and get her sister 's home from school , fed , ready for voice recital , and get them to church . I can almost guarantee that Shawn will have to work late if I am about to lose my mind . And then my phone rang . It was my sweet mother - in - law saying they were coming to the recital . And when I told her how insane the day was getting , she said they 'd come at 3 and take care of McKinley and Kennedy for me . I . Am . So . Blessed to have them . So I got to go bowling with no worries . My spinning mind finally relaxed . I packed up my camera , an entire box of Kleenex , and headed out . We went to a really swanky bowling alley that is in Bricktown . After 10 pm it becomes a 21 and older place . I know that because I tried to go in and see some friends at exactly 9 : 59 with McKinley in tow two years ago . So I 'd never actually been in . I have to say , once I got in , I was impressed . Here are some of my favorite pictures from the party . And even though we left downtown right in the middle of rush hour , we made it home in time to get Reagan dressed , fed , and to the recital on time . And all three of my girls did a fabulous job with their solos . So here I sit on the couch with my box of Kleenex looking at tomorrow 's schedule . Oh boy . I headed to Reagan 's last Round Up this morning because she was going to be getting a math award . During the school year the students are given tests called Math Tracks . After you pass the preliminary tests in your class , you get to go to the Principal 's Test . If you pass that , you move up to the next harder one . At the end of the school year students get medals based on how many they 've passed . Bronze , Silver , or Gold . In first grade Reagan was one of two who got a gold . A Math Whiz t - shirt was thrown in and it 's still one of her favorite things . In second grade her teacher saw that she was doing so well and moved her up a level . Reagan panicked and was so worried she didn 't end up passing it . She was crushed when she got a silver medal . But this year she was back on top ! Well , either hell froze over , or we just really want this car . Shawn finally answered a call from Joe . He said they 'd sell us the car for the monthly payment we want . . . . with the warranty still left on it . . . and with another one I think they were throwing in . I was just hearing the ' We Get The Car ' part ! Since we hadn 't been pleased with the finance guy Joe told us the owner of the dealership was coming in to handle our paperwork . Um , okay . We were supposed to be there by 4 . Shawn took off work early and I met him there . And I was a tad bit giddy . For some reason we went to Joe 's office first . And chatted . And chatted . And chatted . Well , Shawn did . I just sat there and looked annoyed . And caught up on Word Feud and Words with Friends . He did have us sign one thing , but then we just sat . When he handed me a pen to sign the one thing I commented on how cute the pen was . It had a little VW car in it that slid back and forth . I had to have one . When he saw which pen I had he told me I couldn 't have that and quickly took it out of my hand . Um . . . okay . He then said that we would love this car if we didn 't mind that people thought it was a ' Homo ' car . Really ? Are you trying to sell us this car ? ? What is up with these people trying to ruin this for us ? Apparently they didn 't really want our business . At 4 : 35 I asked Shawn what exactly we were doing . He turned and asked Joe . We were told the owner was at the dentist and should be there at some point . Excuse me , I had things to do . Shawn read my body language and told Joe he had our address , if he wanted us to buy it , he 'd bring it to the house . And again , we walked out . Close to 6 Shawn 's cell phone rang and it was Joe saying that the owner was there but couldn 't leave . So since we wanted the car so badly , and wanted Joe out of our life , we headed back . The owner was very nice and made the process incredibly quick . After we signed the final paper he told us we could keep the pens we were using . I told him that was good to hear since I hadn 't even been able to hold the earlier one . After he 'd heard the story he promised me I 'd get the sliding car pen . So I got the cute car , and I had a pen coming . Bonus ! So we now are a 3 car family . Us . The owners of the 2 car garage . The Taurus was nice enough to offer to stay out in our other driveway . And the EOS is already proving to be a savings in gas . Which is good since we just drove it around 2 lakes , up and down the highway just for fun , oh , and all around town . And McKinley ? Who will be sharing this car when she turns 16 ? She still wants a Mustang . Ungrateful girl ! So I 'll give her the Expedition and I 'll drive the EOS . Seems fair : c ) The phone calls from the slimy Joe started last night . After 10 ! Shawn didn 't answer . I started getting calls today since Shawn has my cell number on his voicemail . But slime ball that he is , he always asked if this was Shawn . So I 'd say no and hang up . Since we are absolutely set on an EOS , Shawn and I met for lunch today and starting searching E - Bay . . . . since Craigslist seems to never have heard of them . We found 4 possible contenders . They were in California , Long Island , Florida , and Wisconsin . That 's what stinks about E - Bay . After the searching we decided the Florida was the best deal for the least amount of money . But it was in Florida . So we decided on the original one in Texas ! But an orchestra concert that night , gymnastics , and tons of gas burning meant we couldn 't do much about it . After the concert I mentioned to a friend that we 'd found the perfect car in Florida . . . . and didn 't know how to get it here . She said that her family and her in - laws were going to Disney World soon and she 'd gladly drive it back . I assumed she was kidding but she said she 'd be happy to . Or since her father - in - law had always toyed with the idea of doing that in his retirement , he would . It seemed like it was all coming together ! Now , I just have to tell Shawn everything and see if he thought it would all work . And hope he doesn 't change his mind again ! About 2 months ago I finally convinced Shawn we needed a third car . I LOVE my Expedition but feel so guilty when I 'm driving in my square mile of comfort and getting 8 - 12 miles per gallon . Mondays are the worst because I pick up Kennedy and Reagan from school and take them to voice . Then I go back to get McKinley and take her . ( Snow days added extra time to our day and for some reason high school had 17 extra instead of 5 . I never figured out why . ) Tuesdays during the musical were bad too because of Reagan 's gymnastics . I was just burning through gas . Up to $ 300 a month . Sometimes more . And with a soon to be 16 year old it only made since to start looking . When we were discussing what kind of car to get I wanted a convertible . If we were going to get a third car , I felt like it should be fun . I settled on a VW Beetle . I wanted an old one and quickly found a ' 73 in a nearby town . I thought it was meant to be since I am also a ' 73 . But Shawn didn 't want an old car . The Corvair of my dreams was crushed . So I started the search for a new VW Beetle . Craigslist was full of them . I spent an hour and found about 20 to choose from in 3 states . Shawn was pretty fired up about a few and I was giddy with the thought of getting a car . We were trying to decide which one to go see when Shawn ( always the voice of reason ) suggested we go to our local VW dealership and actually drive one . I married a smart man I tell you . As we were approaching the dealership I was getting more and more excited . He though was thinking it all through . With taxes to pay and property taxes also , he just didn 't think it was a good time . So we pulled in to the lot . . . and right back out . My day of a natural high was crushed . About a month later he brought it up again . I tried not to get excited . But I got on Craigslist just to look . All the fun Bugs from the month before ? They were gone . I guess when the weather starts getting warmer people start buying . Sigh . I still managed to track a few down . He was using our bank website to find them . In searching for a Bug he came across a couple of EOS 's . He knew a co - worker that had one and sent her a Facebook message to ask a few questions . With her glowing report and locating one in the Dallas area we started getting excited about getting a convertible . We found the same one at the dealership right down the road and tonight we went to look at it . We met the corny salesman also . Ugh . About 10 seconds after getting into it , I was in total love . When Shawn put the top down , I wanted it . Badly . I didn 't even want to get out of the driver 's seat when we got back to the dealership . We walked into the Joe 's office and said we wanted it . But for the monthly payment our bank had approved us for . Oh , and also for the price of the one in Texas . $ 3 , 000 less . After some number crunching Joe told us he could get us a better interest rate with VW financing . We told him we were open to that but we wouldn 't go above our set monthly payment . I left Shawn there to do all the paperwork so I could fix dinner . He said he 'd call me when it was time to sign everything . Almost 2 hours later I headed up there to get our car ! I met Shawn in the finance office and started signing . As I was the finance guy was telling me about the service package they 'd decided on . The platinum one . That made me think . . . how much was our monthly payment ? I had to be picked up off the floor when he told me . In defense , the finance guy told us , VW parts cost 3 times as much as others so we needed that plan . Um . . . was he trying to make a sale ? I turned to Shawn , who was also surprised , and told him I wasn 't comfortable with that . So we walked . Joe was not pleased . Since I usually am manning an auction table and then helping organize the bid sheets after the auction closes , I don 't sit in my seat . Which means I don 't eat my dinner . But this year I was the photographer so I got to spend some time in my seat . Never more than 5 minutes , but enough time to eat a bit . With my food allergies I knew not to eat a lot , but thought a few bites would be okay . The salad dressing was at the bottom of the salad and I knew it wasn 't Ranch so I had a few bites . It was so garlicky that we were all laughing that even though our breath stunk , at least we all had the same smell . Shawn had to leave to take the girls to piano and he said without even opening his mouth , they could smell it when they got in the car ! When the chicken , potatoes , and green beans came I scrapped the gravy off the chicken ( if it had broth or bouillon cubes I would have been in trouble ) and ate a few bites of each . I knew the green beans would fine , and assumed the potatoes would too . Guess I was wrong . In about 10 minutes I had a headache . Not a migraine , because I didn 't go blind , but a headache . I don 't know that I 've ever reacted that fast . I downed a glass of water , 4 Advil , and my lemon dessert . What ? It couldn 't hurt . I had to finish helping that evening but as soon as I could I let Shawn take me home . I 've talked a couple of times on here about the Foundation board I 'm on . Since our school system is landlocked and the district is tiny we are a very poor school . In our district there 's a private university and a large church so the property taxes that come in are slim . Add to that fact that we are 66 % transfer and the money that a neighboring school system gets for a student stays there after the student transfers to our school . Basically when it comes to money , it 's pretty slim pickens ! So the Foundation was formed to help raise money . We 're a working Foundation . . . . meaning , don 't get on it if you can 't help . A neighboring school system has a foundation you have to pay to be on and the work involved is going to meetings . We 're real . We 're special : C ) One of our yearly fundraisers is a banquet . It 's where we honor teachers of the year , employees who have been with the district for milestone years , honor the honor students , and give out two surprise scholarships . There 's always a speaker and I 've heard politicians , local news personalities , and even our very own small town boy who made good and plays for an NFL team . An auction was added the year I joined the Foundation to help make this evening also profitable . Profits are always good . The first year was rough . . . it was a learning year . The second year we 'd added an amazing auction diva to the board and she has taken us over the top . The secret ? Set up . Starting in March we meet in a little tiny room with an 8 foot table , no room for two of the three of us to sit , and have a blast the whole time . We pick a theme for the table based on what items have been donated or purchased , set it all up with lifts , fabric , fill out the bid sheet with a starting bid and raise increments , take a picture of it , and pack it all up into a box with the table number on it . Well , Pam and Janna do that . I sit in a chair and create the auction program . I come up with a cute and catchy title for each item , describe it , and add who donated it . There 's no way I could do their job , and they promise me there 's no way they could do mine . Having the internet at my fingers helps when we have a donation nobody know anything about . Inside jokes happen every year , and I look forward to our weekly get together . So today was the day that everything came together . We had everything taken to the nearby college 's gym and we started the set up . 18 tables had to be done before our children got out of school for the day . With our boxes , pictures , and drive we got down to business . And just for fun . . . since this year people camped out for 7 days for a chance to get their name on a list to hopefully get their child in . . . the theme of the banquet was worked around that . These are the high school students that volunteered to spend the evening ' camping out ' . We ordered them pizza and they entertained the guests coming in . So at the end of the evening we 'd honored and congratulated everyone and made money to give back to the teachers and students next year . All in all a fabulous evening spent helping the school I love . What could be better ? ? My baby , and yes they 're all my babies , left me for Mother 's Day weekend . She went on her high school choir trip to South Padre / Corpus Christi . Since it was over $ 400 for her to go , I could not join . Even though parents were a bit less . I cried all the way home after leaving her at the school to get on the bus . She occasionally sent texts , but I had to follow along on Facebook for the details from the parents and other students . Let 's just say that when we picked her up late Mother 's Day night I might have squeezed her a bit hard . The fact that she had the worst sunburn of hopefully her whole life , made her not enjoy that hug . Oh well , maybe a lesson has been learned . When we got home she unpacked everything in the living room to find my gift . I was so excited to have her home and to be getting a present that I overlooked the Pringles explosion . But I did invite Jackie ' O ' over to Hoover up the mess as soon as possible . Soon after she begged to go to bed and I of course said yes . But two days later the novelty had worn off . It was time to clean this up ! And even though the 3 tubes of Pringles had been put in the pantry two days before there was another explosion . So big the dog couldn 't handle it all . I was afraid to look . Reagan is definitely my sporty child . Musical , yes , but more sporty than her sisters . She plays soccer every year for our church and started gymnastics recently to very happy results . So when she asked to go for a run with me recently I of course said yes . Karreen and I are back to running after a much needed break and healing time . . . . but we 're not back to where we were . We certainly can 't go out and run 13 . 1 miles again ! The day Reagan joined us we were running 27 minutes straight . I knew my little 9 year old would be able to do that easily . I really thought the struggle would be getting her up at 5 : 20 in the morning ! I was surprised to see her waiting for me , ready to go . We walk to the halfway point , stretch , walk 5 minutes to warm up , and then run . Reagan was so antsy to run during all of the warming up stuff . She was thrilled when we finally started running . We run around our local college and our church which is 4 sets of 4 block lengths . We do that twice . By the 3rd set Reagan was slowing down . When we started our second time around she would walk for a bit , run ahead of us , and walk until we caught up . She was thrilled when we finished and did our 5 minute cool down walk . By the time we were headed home she was saying that she 'd never do that again . I have to admit . . . I was thrilled . After all , I 'm a . . . ( like I 'm going to tell you my age ! ) . . . mom of three , slow runner , and certainly not in and kind of good shape . . . but my 9 year old couldn 't keep up ! I was on a natural high for the whole day . But after my breaking and entering I headed to her track meet . Dirty jeans and all . After I got this picture I figured something out . That girl right there ? ? She 's a sprinter . She tied for 1st in the 50m , came in a very close 2nd in the 100m , and helped her class relay team take 1st by almost a minute over the other teams . So that runners high I was on for outdoing my 9 year old ? ? Yep , that 's gone . Completely gone . Never to return I 'm sure . |
We started the day with no plans besides yard work but a text from my cousin Amanda gave us a goal to work toward . They had driven into town for the day and wanted us to join them for dinner . I suggested Pop 's and we set the time . They went to the zoo but we hit the back yard . That doesn 't seem right . After they ended their zoo time early we quickly showered and headed that way . Our group of 10 had grown to 16 before we knew it . . . . and Pop 's really isn 't set up for large parties . It 's a gas station after all . After waiting about an hour we were seated , at 3 separate tables . And there was one person who only had one cheek on the booth the entire time we were there . I don 't need to name names . But you know what ? Everyone had an absolute blast . Kennedy , Reagan , and their 13 year old cousin Skylar ended up at a table together . They looked completely uncomfortable . Kennedy and Reagan pulled out their cell phones and started playing while they waited for their food . Skylar only spoke once during the in the restaurant time and it was to say he wished he 'd had his phone , but he was grounded from it . As soon as they were done eating they asked if they could go outside to a big grassy field and play . We of course said yes and finished our meals and chatted before heading out . By the time we got out there they had seriously bonded . As in running around chasing each other . For about 30 minutes . Non - stop . Then the bubbles came out and even McKinley played with them . The adults spent a lot of time chatting , and me ? I of course took pictures . So my Memorial Day was alright . Good sleep , good food , fun location , yard work accomplished , and wonderful time spent with family . Who needs a crowded lake ? Friday we headed to Lubbock for Ashley 's graduation . We wouldn 't have missed it for the world . We also got to see the Funk 's and catch up on some serious family bonding : c ) Saturday night we headed to one of my least favorite places . The Texas Tech campus . Only for Ashley . And Tyler two years before . I wondered how they got all three high schools through when I noticed this on the overhead screen . They do all three on the same day ! Wow . I don 't think I 've ever been to a 10 a . m . graduation . Luckily we were attending the 6 p . m . one . Shawn had bought me a doubler for my telephoto lens earlier that day so that I could get some good shots of Ashley getting her diploma . I really wish I 'd had a few days to play with it . That much weight and distance is an adjustment ! I didn 't want to keep changing lenses so I couldn 't get the whole class in one . . . unless I took it from an image from the overhead screen . My class of 72 looks incredibly small . I can 't even imagine a class this size . I think there were over 500 . Ashley had told us that the girls were ' supposed ' to wear heels . It was interesting to see all the interpretations of heels . And it was interesting to see all the different heels ! These kept catching my eye . Probably because they were sparkly : ) I have a friend named Tammy that grew up in the same small school that I did . She didn 't finish there though . We lost contact and it wasn 't until she popped up on myspace years ago that I found out she 'd moved to Lubbock . Two years ago when we were there visiting the girls and I met her , her son Stormy , and her twin daughters at a park and caught up . Because of that I got an invitation to Stormy 's graduation and party . Tammy had no idea that I was going to be in town . And I decided to surprise her ! As we walked into her house I realized I didn 't know a single person . So I had to explain who I was to everyone who was staring at me . Finally Tammy came around the corner and got a pretty big surprise ! I loved it . I got to spend some time with her family , we swapped some stories , and left with a big smile on my face . We headed to Lubbock this morning because our beautiful bonus daughter is graduating high school tomorrow night . As we were getting closer to Amarillo Shawn started talking about The Big Texan . He 's wanted to go forever and this time it was going to happen . The place is so cute . We bought some fudge and turtles from the candy store and stared at the 72 oz . steak and all the food that goes with it that 's part of the challenge . You see , if you can eat a 72 oz . steak and all the things that go with it in an hour , it 's free . We were sitting right next to the challenge table . See the 6 clocks ? As soon as the insane person takes their first bite and says it 's cooked as they wanted it , they timer starts . I had a picture of the steak on the grill and apparently went to be with the Lord , because I can 't find it . But if you look closely you can see the grill master holding it up . She did that when people wanted a picture of it . She also yelled " 72 ! ! " at the top of her lungs . I have to say , it startled me every single time . And then he sat down . He had to be about college age . And let me just say , he had muscles in places that I didn 't know you could have them . His jaw was muscular . He had on a tank top with no arms . . . or sides , and we could see the muscles in his back . I wondered if his stomach had muscles . By the time we 'd paid he still had 20 minutes left . . . . and it wasn 't looking good . Poor guy . If we hadn 't had family waiting we would have hung around . We did take time to take a few pictures and sign the boot . It sure does help to always have a Sharpie in my purse . Even though my boss repeatedly steals them . So we 'd finally been to the Big Texan . And I 'd discovered they have MSG in the seasoning . . . that they put on everything . At least the experience was worth the stop . Oh , that and the turtle we bought at the candy counter . I don 't eat fudge . Holy cow that thing was good ! I 'd drive back to Amarillo right now to get another one . Unless someone wants to deliver . . . 5 . When faced with an out of town trip , while head over heels in love with the EOS , Shawn will start researching pricing on U - Haul trailers . 6 . After purchasing a car that seats only 4 of the 5 people in our family , we may or may not plan stuff around one of the girls being at a friends house for the night . 7 . I did a little happy dance when I filled it up for the first time . 8 . After dark I still need sunglasses because there 's a lot of stuff flying in the air . How in the world are we already at the last day of school ? I promise you this year just started . I think next year will be easier though . This year with a new high schooler and a new middle schooler , it was rough . But my baby is still in elementary . But nest year she 'll be upstairs . Last year at the end of school I was talking to a friend who was teary when talking about her twins moving to the second story . I of course was nice about it but was a little giggly later because it 's only upstairs . You know what ? As I was waiting for Reagan to come out to the car is really hit me . . . . my baby will be upstairs next year . And I have to say , I got a little teary . The Middle School awards assembly had been cancelled because of possible bad weather . I was thrilled because it meant I didn 't have to grab Kennedy and run back and forth the few blocks between the church and school . As we were getting in the car it sprinkled a bit . The sky , the cancelled assembly , and the 10 drops of rain freaked McKinley out . So as soon as we got home we turned on the weather . Nothing was near us so she went to bed relieved . But after she was gone the weather man said that tomorrow was going to be 100x worse . Yikes . In two blocks we are the only house that doesn 't have a basement . I wish I knew why . But that just means we have our pick of which neighbor we want to bless with our presence . Since we have a key to my old house across the street , we have always gone there . But if I had to pick a place in our house that would be the safest , I 'd pick under the stairs . Which is my pantry . Starting early this morning I did what I always do when bad weather is coming . . . . stuff the pantry . I take all the pictures off the walls that aren 't scanned and saved . That would be just about every single one . I have a lot of old family pictures . Next goes our wedding album , and my parents . And since I had someplace to go during the day , my laptop and my camera . McKinley saw me doing this and got freaked out again . That my friends is bad parenting . She was headed to take a final . I quickly assured her that every time I did that nothing ever happened . She seemed to be okay with that . Oh , and a Sonic drink . I should have warned you it wasn 't pretty . My friend that does my hair was really concerned about the weather . She 'd told her husband his job for the day was to find a place for them to go that was underground . I was thinking of more things to put in the pantry . When the girls and I got home from school we turned on the news and just sat and watched . Soon enough a tornado was on the ground in a neighboring town . We were still fine . But when it got to a much closer neighboring town I started planning our move across the street . When Shawn called and asked if we 'd left I got really concerned . I am always begging him to leave with us and he 's always saying we 're fine . The year that our town was actually hit and we lost our garage door I carried all three girls across the street in the rain and then called and threatened to divorce him if he didn 't join us . So as soon as I hung up we headed over . After about 30 minutes of sitting in their great room I had the girls take our stuff to the basement . And they asked if they could stay down there . I was glued to the tv and was tracking Shawn to see if he was coming home or staying at work . I was so relieved when I tracked him on our street and ran to the door and found him there . The weather people were showing the tornadoes on the ground and from the sky . The debris clouds were showing up on radar . It was bad . About 10 miles from us there was total destruction . One of our 2nd grade teachers lost everything . Including her horses . I heard on Twitter that horses in that area were being found with metal pieces sticking through their bodies . A Twitter friends husband was asked to shoot 3 horses of a friend who all had something stuck in them . We never had to get in the basement , and for that I am so grateful . A TNT friend 's in - laws also lost everything . She took over 100 pictures and shared them on her profile page . Take a look . It 's amazing . If this link doesn 't work please tell me . I want you all to see that even though these people lost everything , they are so blessed to be alive . Two miles away a mom , her 5 year old daughter , 3 year old son , and 15 month old son took refuge in a bathtub with a mattress over them . The mom , 5 year old , and 15 month old were taken to the hospital for serious injuries . The 3 year old son is missing . APosted by I woke up yesterday with a sore throat . And this morning ? Even worse . But my crazy day doesn 't care . I did send the girls to school and then crawl back in bed for 2 hours . I do believe that 's the only way I got through the day . My schedule ? And did I mention I didn 't feel good ? I was trying to figure out how to go on Reagan 's field trip and get her sister 's home from school , fed , ready for voice recital , and get them to church . I can almost guarantee that Shawn will have to work late if I am about to lose my mind . And then my phone rang . It was my sweet mother - in - law saying they were coming to the recital . And when I told her how insane the day was getting , she said they 'd come at 3 and take care of McKinley and Kennedy for me . I . Am . So . Blessed to have them . So I got to go bowling with no worries . My spinning mind finally relaxed . I packed up my camera , an entire box of Kleenex , and headed out . We went to a really swanky bowling alley that is in Bricktown . After 10 pm it becomes a 21 and older place . I know that because I tried to go in and see some friends at exactly 9 : 59 with McKinley in tow two years ago . So I 'd never actually been in . I have to say , once I got in , I was impressed . Here are some of my favorite pictures from the party . And even though we left downtown right in the middle of rush hour , we made it home in time to get Reagan dressed , fed , and to the recital on time . And all three of my girls did a fabulous job with their solos . So here I sit on the couch with my box of Kleenex looking at tomorrow 's schedule . Oh boy . I headed to Reagan 's last Round Up this morning because she was going to be getting a math award . During the school year the students are given tests called Math Tracks . After you pass the preliminary tests in your class , you get to go to the Principal 's Test . If you pass that , you move up to the next harder one . At the end of the school year students get medals based on how many they 've passed . Bronze , Silver , or Gold . In first grade Reagan was one of two who got a gold . A Math Whiz t - shirt was thrown in and it 's still one of her favorite things . In second grade her teacher saw that she was doing so well and moved her up a level . Reagan panicked and was so worried she didn 't end up passing it . She was crushed when she got a silver medal . But this year she was back on top ! Well , either hell froze over , or we just really want this car . Shawn finally answered a call from Joe . He said they 'd sell us the car for the monthly payment we want . . . . with the warranty still left on it . . . and with another one I think they were throwing in . I was just hearing the ' We Get The Car ' part ! Since we hadn 't been pleased with the finance guy Joe told us the owner of the dealership was coming in to handle our paperwork . Um , okay . We were supposed to be there by 4 . Shawn took off work early and I met him there . And I was a tad bit giddy . For some reason we went to Joe 's office first . And chatted . And chatted . And chatted . Well , Shawn did . I just sat there and looked annoyed . And caught up on Word Feud and Words with Friends . He did have us sign one thing , but then we just sat . When he handed me a pen to sign the one thing I commented on how cute the pen was . It had a little VW car in it that slid back and forth . I had to have one . When he saw which pen I had he told me I couldn 't have that and quickly took it out of my hand . Um . . . okay . He then said that we would love this car if we didn 't mind that people thought it was a ' Homo ' car . Really ? Are you trying to sell us this car ? ? What is up with these people trying to ruin this for us ? Apparently they didn 't really want our business . At 4 : 35 I asked Shawn what exactly we were doing . He turned and asked Joe . We were told the owner was at the dentist and should be there at some point . Excuse me , I had things to do . Shawn read my body language and told Joe he had our address , if he wanted us to buy it , he 'd bring it to the house . And again , we walked out . Close to 6 Shawn 's cell phone rang and it was Joe saying that the owner was there but couldn 't leave . So since we wanted the car so badly , and wanted Joe out of our life , we headed back . The owner was very nice and made the process incredibly quick . After we signed the final paper he told us we could keep the pens we were using . I told him that was good to hear since I hadn 't even been able to hold the earlier one . After he 'd heard the story he promised me I 'd get the sliding car pen . So I got the cute car , and I had a pen coming . Bonus ! So we now are a 3 car family . Us . The owners of the 2 car garage . The Taurus was nice enough to offer to stay out in our other driveway . And the EOS is already proving to be a savings in gas . Which is good since we just drove it around 2 lakes , up and down the highway just for fun , oh , and all around town . And McKinley ? Who will be sharing this car when she turns 16 ? She still wants a Mustang . Ungrateful girl ! So I 'll give her the Expedition and I 'll drive the EOS . Seems fair : c ) The phone calls from the slimy Joe started last night . After 10 ! Shawn didn 't answer . I started getting calls today since Shawn has my cell number on his voicemail . But slime ball that he is , he always asked if this was Shawn . So I 'd say no and hang up . Since we are absolutely set on an EOS , Shawn and I met for lunch today and starting searching E - Bay . . . . since Craigslist seems to never have heard of them . We found 4 possible contenders . They were in California , Long Island , Florida , and Wisconsin . That 's what stinks about E - Bay . After the searching we decided the Florida was the best deal for the least amount of money . But it was in Florida . So we decided on the original one in Texas ! But an orchestra concert that night , gymnastics , and tons of gas burning meant we couldn 't do much about it . After the concert I mentioned to a friend that we 'd found the perfect car in Florida . . . . and didn 't know how to get it here . She said that her family and her in - laws were going to Disney World soon and she 'd gladly drive it back . I assumed she was kidding but she said she 'd be happy to . Or since her father - in - law had always toyed with the idea of doing that in his retirement , he would . It seemed like it was all coming together ! Now , I just have to tell Shawn everything and see if he thought it would all work . And hope he doesn 't change his mind again ! About 2 months ago I finally convinced Shawn we needed a third car . I LOVE my Expedition but feel so guilty when I 'm driving in my square mile of comfort and getting 8 - 12 miles per gallon . Mondays are the worst because I pick up Kennedy and Reagan from school and take them to voice . Then I go back to get McKinley and take her . ( Snow days added extra time to our day and for some reason high school had 17 extra instead of 5 . I never figured out why . ) Tuesdays during the musical were bad too because of Reagan 's gymnastics . I was just burning through gas . Up to $ 300 a month . Sometimes more . And with a soon to be 16 year old it only made since to start looking . When we were discussing what kind of car to get I wanted a convertible . If we were going to get a third car , I felt like it should be fun . I settled on a VW Beetle . I wanted an old one and quickly found a ' 73 in a nearby town . I thought it was meant to be since I am also a ' 73 . But Shawn didn 't want an old car . The Corvair of my dreams was crushed . So I started the search for a new VW Beetle . Craigslist was full of them . I spent an hour and found about 20 to choose from in 3 states . Shawn was pretty fired up about a few and I was giddy with the thought of getting a car . We were trying to decide which one to go see when Shawn ( always the voice of reason ) suggested we go to our local VW dealership and actually drive one . I married a smart man I tell you . As we were approaching the dealership I was getting more and more excited . He though was thinking it all through . With taxes to pay and property taxes also , he just didn 't think it was a good time . So we pulled in to the lot . . . and right back out . My day of a natural high was crushed . About a month later he brought it up again . I tried not to get excited . But I got on Craigslist just to look . All the fun Bugs from the month before ? They were gone . I guess when the weather starts getting warmer people start buying . Sigh . I still managed to track a few down . He was using our bank website to find them . In searching for a Bug he came across a couple of EOS 's . He knew a co - worker that had one and sent her a Facebook message to ask a few questions . With her glowing report and locating one in the Dallas area we started getting excited about getting a convertible . We found the same one at the dealership right down the road and tonight we went to look at it . We met the corny salesman also . Ugh . About 10 seconds after getting into it , I was in total love . When Shawn put the top down , I wanted it . Badly . I didn 't even want to get out of the driver 's seat when we got back to the dealership . We walked into the Joe 's office and said we wanted it . But for the monthly payment our bank had approved us for . Oh , and also for the price of the one in Texas . $ 3 , 000 less . After some number crunching Joe told us he could get us a better interest rate with VW financing . We told him we were open to that but we wouldn 't go above our set monthly payment . I left Shawn there to do all the paperwork so I could fix dinner . He said he 'd call me when it was time to sign everything . Almost 2 hours later I headed up there to get our car ! I met Shawn in the finance office and started signing . As I was the finance guy was telling me about the service package they 'd decided on . The platinum one . That made me think . . . how much was our monthly payment ? I had to be picked up off the floor when he told me . In defense , the finance guy told us , VW parts cost 3 times as much as others so we needed that plan . Um . . . was he trying to make a sale ? I turned to Shawn , who was also surprised , and told him I wasn 't comfortable with that . So we walked . Joe was not pleased . Since I usually am manning an auction table and then helping organize the bid sheets after the auction closes , I don 't sit in my seat . Which means I don 't eat my dinner . But this year I was the photographer so I got to spend some time in my seat . Never more than 5 minutes , but enough time to eat a bit . With my food allergies I knew not to eat a lot , but thought a few bites would be okay . The salad dressing was at the bottom of the salad and I knew it wasn 't Ranch so I had a few bites . It was so garlicky that we were all laughing that even though our breath stunk , at least we all had the same smell . Shawn had to leave to take the girls to piano and he said without even opening his mouth , they could smell it when they got in the car ! When the chicken , potatoes , and green beans came I scrapped the gravy off the chicken ( if it had broth or bouillon cubes I would have been in trouble ) and ate a few bites of each . I knew the green beans would fine , and assumed the potatoes would too . Guess I was wrong . In about 10 minutes I had a headache . Not a migraine , because I didn 't go blind , but a headache . I don 't know that I 've ever reacted that fast . I downed a glass of water , 4 Advil , and my lemon dessert . What ? It couldn 't hurt . I had to finish helping that evening but as soon as I could I let Shawn take me home . I 've talked a couple of times on here about the Foundation board I 'm on . Since our school system is landlocked and the district is tiny we are a very poor school . In our district there 's a private university and a large church so the property taxes that come in are slim . Add to that fact that we are 66 % transfer and the money that a neighboring school system gets for a student stays there after the student transfers to our school . Basically when it comes to money , it 's pretty slim pickens ! So the Foundation was formed to help raise money . We 're a working Foundation . . . . meaning , don 't get on it if you can 't help . A neighboring school system has a foundation you have to pay to be on and the work involved is going to meetings . We 're real . We 're special : C ) One of our yearly fundraisers is a banquet . It 's where we honor teachers of the year , employees who have been with the district for milestone years , honor the honor students , and give out two surprise scholarships . There 's always a speaker and I 've heard politicians , local news personalities , and even our very own small town boy who made good and plays for an NFL team . An auction was added the year I joined the Foundation to help make this evening also profitable . Profits are always good . The first year was rough . . . it was a learning year . The second year we 'd added an amazing auction diva to the board and she has taken us over the top . The secret ? Set up . Starting in March we meet in a little tiny room with an 8 foot table , no room for two of the three of us to sit , and have a blast the whole time . We pick a theme for the table based on what items have been donated or purchased , set it all up with lifts , fabric , fill out the bid sheet with a starting bid and raise increments , take a picture of it , and pack it all up into a box with the table number on it . Well , Pam and Janna do that . I sit in a chair and create the auction program . I come up with a cute and catchy title for each item , describe it , and add who donated it . There 's no way I could do their job , and they promise me there 's no way they could do mine . Having the internet at my fingers helps when we have a donation nobody know anything about . Inside jokes happen every year , and I look forward to our weekly get together . So today was the day that everything came together . We had everything taken to the nearby college 's gym and we started the set up . 18 tables had to be done before our children got out of school for the day . With our boxes , pictures , and drive we got down to business . And just for fun . . . since this year people camped out for 7 days for a chance to get their name on a list to hopefully get their child in . . . the theme of the banquet was worked around that . These are the high school students that volunteered to spend the evening ' camping out ' . We ordered them pizza and they entertained the guests coming in . So at the end of the evening we 'd honored and congratulated everyone and made money to give back to the teachers and students next year . All in all a fabulous evening spent helping the school I love . What could be better ? ? My baby , and yes they 're all my babies , left me for Mother 's Day weekend . She went on her high school choir trip to South Padre / Corpus Christi . Since it was over $ 400 for her to go , I could not join . Even though parents were a bit less . I cried all the way home after leaving her at the school to get on the bus . She occasionally sent texts , but I had to follow along on Facebook for the details from the parents and other students . Let 's just say that when we picked her up late Mother 's Day night I might have squeezed her a bit hard . The fact that she had the worst sunburn of hopefully her whole life , made her not enjoy that hug . Oh well , maybe a lesson has been learned . When we got home she unpacked everything in the living room to find my gift . I was so excited to have her home and to be getting a present that I overlooked the Pringles explosion . But I did invite Jackie ' O ' over to Hoover up the mess as soon as possible . Soon after she begged to go to bed and I of course said yes . But two days later the novelty had worn off . It was time to clean this up ! And even though the 3 tubes of Pringles had been put in the pantry two days before there was another explosion . So big the dog couldn 't handle it all . I was afraid to look . Reagan is definitely my sporty child . Musical , yes , but more sporty than her sisters . She plays soccer every year for our church and started gymnastics recently to very happy results . So when she asked to go for a run with me recently I of course said yes . Karreen and I are back to running after a much needed break and healing time . . . . but we 're not back to where we were . We certainly can 't go out and run 13 . 1 miles again ! The day Reagan joined us we were running 27 minutes straight . I knew my little 9 year old would be able to do that easily . I really thought the struggle would be getting her up at 5 : 20 in the morning ! I was surprised to see her waiting for me , ready to go . We walk to the halfway point , stretch , walk 5 minutes to warm up , and then run . Reagan was so antsy to run during all of the warming up stuff . She was thrilled when we finally started running . We run around our local college and our church which is 4 sets of 4 block lengths . We do that twice . By the 3rd set Reagan was slowing down . When we started our second time around she would walk for a bit , run ahead of us , and walk until we caught up . She was thrilled when we finished and did our 5 minute cool down walk . By the time we were headed home she was saying that she 'd never do that again . I have to admit . . . I was thrilled . After all , I 'm a . . . ( like I 'm going to tell you my age ! ) . . . mom of three , slow runner , and certainly not in and kind of good shape . . . but my 9 year old couldn 't keep up ! I was on a natural high for the whole day . But after my breaking and entering I headed to her track meet . Dirty jeans and all . After I got this picture I figured something out . That girl right there ? ? She 's a sprinter . She tied for 1st in the 50m , came in a very close 2nd in the 100m , and helped her class relay team take 1st by almost a minute over the other teams . So that runners high I was on for outdoing my 9 year old ? ? Yep , that 's gone . Completely gone . Never to return I 'm sure . |
It had been raining for four days straight . Under other circumstances , this wouldn 't have been a problem . Had it been summer , rain was just an invitation to run around in the back yard wearing nothing but a pair of shorts , pretending to be stranded on a jungle island , fighting off wild animals , dragons , or cannibals , or possibly all three . But the windy chill of October had settled in , and getting soaking wet when it was forty degrees outside wasn 't appealing . Inside , there was only so much time you could spend reading and playing with toys , many of which had outlasted his interest in them . So he had amused himself for a while messing with his grandmother 's stuff . This was always dangerous ground . Grandma Connie was a stern woman with slim patience for children . She could tell a mean ghost story , when she was in the mood , but she was not someone who simply enjoyed kids being kids . So when she found Jacob in the living room , playing Jungle Adventure with her collectable porcelain animal statues , and discovered that he had already chipped the unicorn 's horn , she promptly sent him to his room with an adjuration to " Stay there until you learn how to respect others ' property . " He tried , for about five minutes , to look through one of his books on dinosaurs . Then he dropped that on the floor , and pulled out a box with a jigsaw puzzle with a picture of a puppy on the front . He knew that that one had a piece missing - one of the puppy 's ears - and he shoved the box under his bed with his foot . Then he sighed , listening to the rain slashing against the window . After a moment , he stood up , went to his door , and opened it , and listened carefully . Grandma Connie was down in the kitchen , it sounded like - probably baking . Whatever else you could say about Grandma Connie , her cookies , pies , and cakes were first - class . He heard the clink of measuring cups , and then a drawer opened , and then closed . It had been a while since he 'd been in the attic . It wasn 't off - limits , not explicitly , but the one time he 'd gone up there alone , his grandmother had said , " What were you doing up there ? Cobwebs and old books and spiders and god - alone - knows - what up there . Nothing to interest a ten - year - old boy . " She was sorely misjudging what would be of interest to a ten - year - old boy , of course ; just the fact that it was mysterious , dimly lit , and smelled like dust and antiquity made it attractive . So did the fact that Grandma Connie obviously didn 't want him to go up there . What , exactly , was she hiding ? Jacob peered down the hallway . There was no reason he 'd get caught , if he was careful . He knew from experience that once he was banished to his room , he was effectively forgotten , at least until lunchtime or dinnertime came . He tiptoed down the hall , and then looked up the stairs to the landing . He reached out and turned the doorknob handle , and pulled the door open at the same moment that the noise of the blender ceased . The door hinges made an alarming groaning noise , and he froze , listening for the noise of footsteps . When , after a moment , there was no sound of pursuit , he walked into the attic . The floorboards squeaked softly under his light tread , as he walked around looking at the bookshelves . There were hundreds , maybe thousands , of books up here ; a twenty - volume set called History of the World , a set of gardening encyclopedias that looked like they might be antiques , some books written in French and Spanish and Dutch and Swedish . Jacob had heard Grandma Connie talking about her husband , Jacob 's grandfather , whom he had never met - Grandpa Charles had been a language professor , " fluent in everything , " his mother had once told him , but had died of a heart attack twelve years ago in his classroom . Jacob wished he 'd known him . He sounded interesting . Further along were rows and stacks of boxes . Some of them sounded boring - " Linens . " " Christmas Decorations . " " China . " But then he happened upon one that said , " Toys - Jamie . " Jamie ? Who was Jamie ? The box was taped shut with strapping tape that was peeling and yellow with age , and the adhesive was mostly crumbly , and bits of it clung to the fingertips like damp flour . He moved some other boxes aside , and pulled it out into the center of the floor , and then pulled the remains of the tape away and opened the flap . The items inside were old ; Jacob knew that immediately . There were stuffed animals , but not the shiny plush of the ones he 'd only recently outgrown . These were made of cloth , with button eyes and noses of felt , and when he picked one up , it was heavy and a little stiff , like it was stuffed with sawdust . There was a game called " Bagatelle , " which had steel balls in a glass - topped wooden maze - the aim , it seemed , was to move the balls around and drop them down holes . There was a Lionel metal train that looked like it had seen hard service - its paint was chipped and worn , and the one of the cars was missing the hook to connect it to the next one . Jacob set all of these aside . In the bottom of the box was a mouse . At first , Jacob thought it was a real mouse , and he felt a little flutter of fear , but very quickly he realized his mistake . The mouse wasn 't very lifelike . It was small , and white , but made of smooth metal , with painted - on eyes and whiskers . It had wheels instead of feet , and a hole in its back for a key . It , too , was well - worn . There were some dings in the enamel , and one of the wheels was a little crooked . Bitterly , he tipped the box , and heard a low thunk . He looked in , and saw what it was ; the clockwork mouse 's key . He took it out , fit the key into the hole , and wound it up , then set the mouse on the floor . It began to scoot around in circles , making rhythmic squeaking noises that actually did sound fairly mouse - like . Something about the way it moved made all the frustrated rage in him bubble to the surface - the mouse seemed to be carving a circular hole in the wood plank floor , a hole in which to pour all of his anger . He felt its creaky little voice say , a voice only he could hear , Give me your fury , and I will make something of it . " I hate this , " Jacob said , watching the mouse scurrying in its pointless loops . " I hate everyone . I hate them all , and I especially hate Grandma Connie . I wish she 'd fall down and break her leg . " Jacob 's mom came home from work just as the paramedics were lifting Grandma Connie into the back of the ambulance . One of the paramedics asked Jacob 's mom if they wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance to the hospital , which sounded to Jacob like it would be fun ; but Grandma Connie said , her voice thin with pain , " No , Eva , can you just clean up the kitchen ? I don 't want … " She glanced at Jacob , and Jacob knew she meant , " I don 't want him bothering me when I have a broken leg . " Then Grandma Connie looked at Jacob 's mom and said , " You can come down later . " So Jacob 's mom brought him back inside , and gave him a big hug through her tears and told him what a brave , smart boy he was , that he remembered how to call 911 and kept his head and took care of Grandma Connie . Then she looked around her at the kitchen , wiped her eyes with the back of her hand , and said , " Well . We better get this cleaned up , and then we 'll go down to the hospital and see how Grandma is doing . " The little step - stool that Grandma Connie used to reach high shelves lay on its side , and a glass mixing bowl was in sharp , multicolored fragments all over the linoleum . Another bowl , with eggs and milk and cream and molasses , sat forlornly on the counter . Jacob 's mom got a broom , and told Jacob to go put on shoes so his feet wouldn 't get cut . Then they cleaned up the kitchen . Jacob had a momentary hope that his mom would finish making whatever it was that Grandma Connie had been working on , but she upturned the mixing bowl with the eggs and everything over the sink , and ran some water into it , and then said , " I need to call your aunt and uncle and let them know what happened . " Jacob went back upstairs , and heard just the beginning of the conversation , " Hi , Susan ? It 's Eva . I 'm calling to let you know there 's been an accident . Mom fell in her kitchen … yes , she 's going to be fine , but she broke her leg . She 's been taken to St . Stephen 's . We 'll be going down soon … Jacob was home , he called 911 … yes , he is … " The voices faded as he walked back up to the attic . The door was still standing open ; he saw his footprints on the dusty floor , the barefoot impression of toes , sole , heel , leading along the bookshelves and then to the box of toys , which still lay scattered on the floor . He looked down at the clockwork mouse , still now , its painted eyes staring up at him . He looked at it for a long time , without moving . The key still protruded from its back , and he could just see beneath it the misaligned wheels that had sent it in wild circles earlier . He reached down , and picked it up , held it in his hand . " Jacob ! " he heard his mom 's voice calling from downstairs . " Let 's go . We need to go to the hospital , and see how Grandma is doing . " Then he thought of the way the weekend was being eaten up - his grandmother ruining the morning by sending him to his room , and now he was going to have to spend the afternoon at the hospital . He 'd been to the hospital before , when his Great - Aunt Judith had been dying of liver cancer , and mostly what he remembered was the smell of antiseptic and the color white and the boredom , great crashing hours of boredom , sitting still and waiting for it all to be over so he could go home . And now , his precious weekend was being taken again , and looming on the horizon of Monday morning was the bulky frame of Mrs . Marshall , his fourth grade teacher , whom he and his classmates couldn 't stand . Mrs . Marshall seemed to leer at him , waiting , waiting for him to leave the attic so she could confine him to his seat and make him multiply and add and read stupid stories about the Pilgrims and write down answers on worksheets . Jacob quickly wound up the mouse , and said , " I hope Mrs . Marshall gets really sick . " Then he set down the mouse on the floor , and let it run its squeaky circles by itself . He ran downstairs to his bedroom , and was just putting on his jacket when his mother came up to see what was keeping him . When Mrs . Marshall still hadn 't returned by Thursday , the principal , Mrs . Stefanovic , came into the class with a grave expression and said that Mrs . Marshall was in the hospital with pneumonia , and probably wouldn 't be back for a while , but not to worry because she was already improving . The children , Mrs . Stefanovic said , could help her get better by spending art class designing a big card to send to Mrs . Marshall in the hospital . Miss McLaughlin said they 'd be happy to . I can bury it in the back yard , he thought . It 'll rust and the wheels will stick and even if someone finds it , it won 't run . Then he thought about taking a hammer to it , watching the frame dent , the eyes skew , as the springs and gear wheels that drove its axles came flying out . It 'll never run again , he thought . It 'll never hurt anyone again . But this was such an awful idea that he started to repeat to himself the mantra he always used when he 'd been scared at night when he was little - not real , not real , none of that scary stuff is real . And by the time he got home , he had convinced himself . None of it was real . He hadn 't caused Grandma Connie 's accident ; he hadn 't caused Mrs . Marshall 's pneumonia . There was no need to break the mouse , any more than destroying his book Ten Terrifying Ghost Stories would have made any difference to what he dreamed at night , alone in the dark . Grandma Connie came home from the hospital three days after her fall ; she 'd had surgery to pin her leg bone where it was broken , and Jacob 's mom had said , " Falls at that age are never easy to heal from . " Grandma Connie was sterner and crankier than ever , and Jacob seemed to spend most of the time he wasn 't at school getting her tea , glasses of water , toast with butter , and turning the television off or on , turning the volume up or down . When Jacob 's mom came over to have dinner with them , which she did every three evenings or so , she never stayed long . " Your dad and I … we 've decided it 's for the best for everyone if , well , if we live apart . Your dad … he 's been seeing someone . Her name is Cecile , and he 's going away to live with her . He 's moving to Baltimore . " " He just left me ? " Jacob said , his voice coming out a squeak , like the wheels of the clockwork mouse . " Will I … will I get to see him ? " " Yes , of course . When he 's moved in and settled . He left this morning , and we 'll … you 'll … go and visit him soon . " She tried to smile , and failed . " But it means that you will come back to live with me again . I know you 'll miss your Grandma Connie , but … " The clockwork mouse was still where it had run down from the last time ; no one had been up here since . Breathing hard , his face pinched with anger , Jacob grabbed the mouse , and wound it up . He hadn 't even set it down before he snarled , " I hope my dad gets in a car crash on his way to Baltimore and has to stay in the hospital for five years . " The mouse 's wheels had only begun squeaking before Jacob 's mom appeared in the attic door , and she said , gently , " Jacob , honey , come downstairs . We need to talk . It 's going to be okay . " After that , it took hours before he had time to escape , unnoticed , to the attic . Family and friends came over , everyone wanted to talk to him and comfort him and reassure him . Even Grandma Connie tried to be nice to him , offering to read him a story . But eventually he was able to get away , and he padded barefoot up to the attic , crossed the floor to where the toy box was . He picked up the key , and wound it three times , feeling the springs tense as they coiled inside the metal body . Jacob looked at the mouse , and said , " I wish everything bad that has happened would be gone . Grandma Connie 's broken leg , Mrs . Marshall 's pneumonia , and my dad … being in a coma . " His voice broke a little on the last one , but he was able to finish the sentence , and he set the mouse down , and listened to its little squeaks as the mechanism inside it propelled it around on the floor . " You did all this , " he said again , anger rising in his voice . He picked the mouse up , held it close to his face , and a thought came , seeming to come from outside him : No . You did . You did all this . Your anger . Your rage . You . Not me . And once done , things cannot be undone . You chose , and that is all . Too late . I have done what I have done , and it is too late . Too late for Grandma Connie , too late for Mrs . Marshall , too late for my dad . And too late for me . The mouse started its chittering run , and Jacob felt a sensation of being lifted . He was on his feet , turning toward the stairs . And he thought , It was lying . The mouse was lying . It 's not just a tool ; it 's evil . He felt his legs being forced to move . A part of his brain shouted , Stop ! Stop ! but his body wouldn 't obey . It was a monumental effort to resist it , but he was able to turn and snatch the clockwork mouse up from the floor . He felt its wheels turning frantically , their vibrations tickling his palm , and that was all his conscious will could do ; his feet began to move , walking , then running , toward the top of the stairs , not pausing as the precipice approached . He saw the open door , and outside it the narrow staircase , rush toward him ; and with a last desperate shout he hurled the clockwork mouse against the wall . He heard it strike the metal hinge of the door frame , and saw it explode - wheels , cogs , and springs flying into the air about him . The desperate force pushing him stopped suddenly . His frame relaxed , and a smile crossed Jacob 's face , but his momentum shot him forward like an arrow from a bow . His body , as graceful as a high diver , flung forward into the air , and he fell headlong down the stairs . Olivia Tanner realized it wasn 't going to be an ordinary ride home from work when a middle - aged businessman turned into a werewolf on the # 217 bus from downtown Seattle to Bellevue . It was very late at night , one of the last bus runs of the evening , and there weren 't many people aboard - just herself , a nice - looking , well - built blond guy in jeans and a sweatshirt sitting across from her reading a Stephen King novel , a sleeping teenager in the back row , and one or two others . Near the front was a suit - clad , overweight businessman , his balding head sporting a rather pathetic attempt at a combover . He had a briefcase sitting on the seat next to him , and was looking at some papers in a manila folder . There was no conversation , only the swish of the traffic , the whining of the bus engine , and the occasional burst of static and unintelligible talk from the bus driver 's intercom . They were on the middle of the I - 90 bridge when it happened . Olivia later reflected that this was an atrocious place for a werewolf to appear suddenly . Even if the bus had stopped , there was nowhere useful to run , and given that it was night the choices would have boiled down to being eaten by the werewolf or getting run over by a car . She was staring out of the window into the darkness , thinking about how glad she 'd be to get back to her apartment and her bed - when she heard a noise , like someone tearing a bedsheet . She looked around , wondering what had happened , and that 's when she saw it . Standing up from the seat where the businessman had been seated was a creature that was unmistakably a werewolf . Its forehead was sloping , with dark , almond - shaped eyes and bristling brows . It had a long , tapered snout , and as she stared at it , one side of the muzzle lifted , revealing a sharp yellow canine tooth . Pointed ears , rimmed with coarse hair , stood up from the side of its head . It gave a low snarl , and turned toward her . Their eyes met , and the creature 's eyes narrowed . As it turned , she saw that its body was still basically human , but muscled like no one she 'd ever seen . It was naked , its chest and back hairy , and was prodigiously male . One hand came out - its nails were long , pointed claws , like an eagle 's talons - and it grasped the seat , steadying itself . She heard the little popping sound as its hand closed on the headrest and the claws punctured the plastic lining . Muscles in its abdomen and legs stood out , tensing , as it readied itself to jump at her . Through all of this , Olivia sat completely still , transfixed , like a mouse mesmerized by a snake . She shrank back , never taking her eyes off the werewolf , and tried to push her body backwards against the seat . A whimpering noise came from her open mouth , but she couldn 't speak , couldn 't scream , couldn 't do anything but sit and wait for the thing to spring . Then she caught a second movement , from the blond man across the aisle , and she turned to see him rise from his seat . But it wasn 't him - was it ? The man who now stood next to her , also mother - naked , muscles rippling , his face shining in its own light , had wings . And a sword . The sword was glowing so brightly in the dimly lit bus that Olivia could hardly look at it . The wings , huge , feathered wings , speckled brown like a hawk 's , arose from broad shoulders . His eyes were fixed on the werewolf ; and the werewolf swiveled its horrid head away from Olivia , and looked at the angelic figure standing in the aisle . It gave a rough , angry growl , almost like a cough , and leapt at the winged man . As the werewolf passed Olivia , it made a sweeping pass at her face with one clawed hand . She ducked , and felt the wind as it missed her by inches . The winged man brought up his sword , and there was a swish and a thud , and the werewolf 's head flew backwards , landed in the aisle , and rolled under a seat . Dark blood gouted up from the severed neck . The werewolf 's clawed hands rose for a moment , as if to investigate this strange condition of being headless ; then it realized it was dead , and tumbled forward with a crash . The angel figure let his sword drop to his side . His other hand came up , and smoothed back his blond hair . Olivia just stared , her eyes perfect circles of terror . The man looked down at himself , seemed to realize that he was being watched by a strange woman while wearing nothing but an embarrassed smile . He shrugged , and said , " Oops . " Then he sat down in the seat , his wings giving a little rustling sound as they folded inward , and he once again became the tall , lean man with the Stephen King book , dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt . He looked over at her , smiled and shrugged again . Olivia looked at the floor . The body of the werewolf was gone ; once more the businessman was sitting in his seat , his balding head shining a little in the light from the overhead fluorescents . He seemed to be feeling ill . He was sweating , and as she watched , he passed a hand across his face , and coughed . The blond man , whose name was Nathan Hendrickson , sat across from Olivia in the Starbucks , drinking a mocha cappuccino with extra whipped cream and cinnamon sprinkles . A raspberry danish , so far untouched , sat on a plate in front of him . At first they engaged in small talk - Nathan said that he worked as a manager at Chili 's downtown , and Olivia responded that she was a clerk in a clothing store . Both of them lived in Bellevue , took the bus because they hated the traffic , and had a serious sweet tooth . Olivia frowned , looked down , shook her head . " Can you tell me what happened ? It looked to me like you saved my life . But … Jesus . You had wings . And no clothes on . " " It 's okay . I mean , you … " She stopped . She 'd been about to say , " You look just fine naked , " but decided that wasn 't something you said to someone you 'd only met a half - hour ago , even if that person had just saved you from being ripped limb from limb by a werewolf . " The issue is , " Nathan said , " you weren 't supposed to see all that . Most people can 't . Didn 't it strike you as a little weird that no one else said anything , screamed , nothing ? The kid in the back didn 't even wake up . The bus driver didn 't slam on the brakes . " " Well , he was . But not what you probably think of when you think of the word ' werewolf . ' You know , some dude who turns into a wolf at the full moon , rips people up , and so on . " Nathan smiled . " Well , back in the 19th century , it was just a theory . People had this idea that these little things , these blobs you can only see under a microscope , caused things like scarlet fever and cholera and diphtheria . Other people said , ' Bullshit . Little things like that , causing people to cough their lungs up ? Ridiculous . ' There was one Scottish doctor who was so contemptuous of the germ theory of disease that he used to sharpen his scalpel on the sole of his boot before surgery . " " No such thing , in those days . But the point is , what you can 't see can kill you . It just took a while for them to figure it out . " " It 's a disease of the mind . A fatal one , sadly . When you 're infected , your spirit becomes the beast that you saw . It 's transmitted by … well , I guess you could call it psychic bites . " " Sort of . If that guy 's werewolf had bitten you , or scratched you , you 'd have turned as well . But I killed it before it could . " Nathan nodded , looked down . " Yes . You can 't live without your spirit , or at least not very long . The werewolf is a diseased spirit , but you still die if it 's killed . Even though it 's diseased , it 's somehow keeping you alive . Without it , you die . " He paused , then said , " It 's like with heart disease . Heart disease can kill you , but taking out your heart would kill you a lot faster . " His face became serious . " The difference is , heart disease doesn 't try to jump to innocent people around you . " " So the bald guy … " Again she trailed off . " Will be found dead . Soon . It 'll probably look like he had a heart attack or stroke . His death will be attributed to natural causes . But it 's one less werewolf out there , biting people and spreading the infection . " Nathan 's eyes narrowed . " I don 't know . It 's weird . You could see it , and you could see me … or at least me as I , um … really am . Most people can 't . Most people … if they 're bitten , they just have a sudden twinge - a pang of pain , it feels like a pulled muscle or a sore joint . But then within two weeks , they turn , and they 're out there biting others and spreading the infection , without knowing it . " He paused . " How it would have been for you , I don 't know , given that you would have seen what the werewolf was really doing . " " Not consciously . But it does change their behavior , just like the rabies virus does . Did you know that the rabies virus makes carnivores more aggressive , and herbivores more docile ? The virus does what it takes to spread - making a raccoon bite , or making a deer stand still and let itself be bitten - both of them serve to spread the virus to a new host . In the case of this one , the person who 's been turned becomes more social . They want to be around people . They actually feel fit and energetic ; their personalities become forward , pushy , extroverted . You find a lot of ' em in bars , dance clubs , at athletic events . Eventually , they die - but it can take a year or two , and by that time they 've usually infected hundreds of others . " Olivia just stared at him for a moment . " Look , " she finally said . " Be straight with me . Am I losing my mind ? Because if I am … fuck . I just want to know , okay ? " " You 're not losing your mind . What you saw was my spirit standing up and challenging the bald man 's werewolf spirit . That 's why we were … . um , you know . Naked . No clothes allowed in the spirit world . " He brightened . " Your spirit is naked , too , you know . " " Yeah , that 's a puzzler , " Nathan said . " You weren 't supposed to see what you saw , and I honestly have no idea why you did . But you 're not crazy . You saw what was really happening ; it was the other people on the bus that didn 't . All they would have seen is me and the bald dude , sitting there minding our own business . No one else saw anything . " " Now what do I do ? " she asked . " I mean , assuming that I actually believe all of this . " And she suddenly realized that she did believe it . There was no disputing what she 'd seen ; and Nathan 's explanation made as much sense as any other she could come up with . " Oh . " She looked up at him . " How do I avoid getting bitten ? I mean , you 're not going to be there next time , probably . " " Given that you can see them , you 'll at least have more of an advantage than other people . But honestly , not that many people are werewolves . I kill maybe three , four a month . Five in a good month . And that 's with going out to look for them , hanging out in werewolf - friendly places . I get at least one a month right in Chili 's . " Nathan nodded . " Yup . But you shouldn 't worry . Your likelihood of getting bitten , even if you couldn 't see them , is pretty small . " She looked at him , one eyebrow raised . " Any chance I could take out some extra insurance ? " she said . " You want to have dinner together some time ? " Nathan gave her a dazzling smile . " Sure . I 'm free tomorrow evening , in fact . How about that new Japanese restaurant up in the University District ? I 've been wanting to try it . " Douglas J . Martin , 47 , of Bellevue , died suddenly Tuesday morning . He was a valued employee of Rush Life Insurance Agency of Seattle , where he had worked for fourteen years . He was a graduate of Pacific Lutheran University , where he received a bachelor 's degree in business administration in 1985 . He was awarded an MBA in finance from the University of Washington in 1990 . Martin 's passing is mourned by a brother , Thomas , of Tacoma , and a sister , Mary McWilliams , of Tukwila . He was preceded in death by his parents , Nelson and Denise ( Trudell ) Martin . Olivia looked down at the photograph of the suit - clad man , with his neat wire - framed glasses and his combover , and a shiver ran through her frame . She remembered the rippling muscles and yellow fangs of the werewolf he 'd become , and thought , He could have gotten me . If he had , in a week or two I 'd be out partying at bars , looking for victims . And then she thought : Or , maybe I am losing my mind . Those two possibilities seem equally likely at the moment . " That could take years , " Andrea said . Then she wiggled her eyebrows . " Maybe you 'll be having him come over for , you know . Other reasons . At some point . " " You certainly have been seeing him a lot , " Andrea said . " When have you been one to run off after the night life ? I always thought of you as being more of the come home early , cuddle up with a nice book type . " As she was drying herself off , there it was , that jolt of pain again ; and once more she slid her hands over her bare shoulders . Her skin felt normal , smooth , unmarked , and she massaged her shoulder muscles a little - but honestly , there was no reason to . She felt fine . Better than fine , actually . She felt wonderful . But why did she keep feeling that sudden twinge ? She glanced in the mirror . And only for a moment - in a flash nearly as quick as the pain had been - she saw a reflection of herself , her face shining from its own light , and behind her a pair of long , tapered wings , streaked like a falcon 's . She gasped , and looked again - and she was back to being herself , just regular Olivia . The whole thing had taken less than a second . She reached back , feeling behind her , but there was nothing there . She leaned toward the mirror , mouth hanging open a little , and her image blurred , and there were the wings again , as if her body had hung back just for a little , had taken a while to catch up . Then there was a shimmer as she became an ordinary human again . Every time she moved , there was a quick image of a naked , shining , winged woman , who was clearly herself and yet so obviously not - and then like an image coming into focus , the vision would go away , and all she 'd see was her own familiar form . " Well , I think you 're the one who can tell me that , " Olivia said , her voice indignant . " You 've infected me . With , I don 't know , Contagious Naked Winged Werewolf Avenger disease , or something . " " I didn 't know it was contagious . " He paused . " Look , I 'm sorry . You already could see the werewolf , three weeks ago ; maybe you were already infected somehow . " Olivia felt her wings flex , rustle quietly , and then with a shiver she sensed her newly winged spirit reintegrating with her body . Really , she felt remarkably well . Well enough to fly . Maybe well enough to hunt werewolves . " Fun , " she said , and was silent for a moment . Then something in her seemed to shift , and she hoped it wasn 't just the wings . " Okay , fine , " she said . " What the hell . You know where I can get a sword ? " Colin Hayes woke up with the song in his head , and afterwards he realized that it probably explained why he thought of going to Zoe 's house in the first place . The old melancholy Cailey Stephens song had appeared from nowhere , in the way that old melancholy songs do , flitting just on the edge of consciousness . As he opened his last box of cereal and poured some into a bowl , he was humming it , a little off key , not even fully aware ; as he sat at the table , eating it in dry mouthfuls , it was still there , the dark , minor key keyboard riffs fluttering around inside his skull . " Zoe , " he said aloud , the idea coming suddenly as he was washing up his bowl . " I should go see if Zoe 's home . I haven 't been there in years . I haven 't even thought about her in months . " He got together a few things in his backpack , then closed and locked the front door of the little house he rented from Mrs . Debarra and walked out into the cool September morning . I don 't know why I bother locking , he thought , as he walked down the sidewalk , the air smelling clean and fresh after the previous day 's rain . There was hint of the smell of dying leaves ; a brown smell , a curled and crisped smell , like butterscotch , like overdone toast . I haven 't had toast in a long time , he thought . Maybe I should figure out if I can make some toast when I get back . He passed the sleeping bulk of his gray Toyota Celica , running his fingers along its dusty surface . His bicycle was in its customary location , leaning against the wall , and he checked the air pressure in the tires . It was fine - they were holding air since he 'd replaced the tubes three weeks ago with ones he 'd gotten from the bike shop down the road . He donned his helmet , swung a leg over the seat , and with a push on one of the pedals he coasted out of the garage and onto the rough gravel of the driveway . The rolling hills of upstate New York slid past , and the wind in his face carried smells that flowed over him and away . Colin sometimes wondered if he could have cycled the thirty miles into town by his sense of smell alone , done it blindfolded , the colors in the air guiding him and showing him the way . The acrid , but not unpleasant , gray - green smell of the cattle up at Carroll 's farm . The cool , bright blue smell of the woods near Corley 's Crossing . The placid smell , deep green like bottle glass , of the stream that bubbled its way under Tucker 's Bridge . He saw the sheep up on the hill just past the stream , and they turned their long , foolish faces toward him , baaaing plaintively . The sheep didn 't have much of a smell , not at this distance , and Colin wondered how much longer they 'd be there , now that winter was coming . The road into town wound its way down from the hills , up and down but always further down than the next hill was up , and so descended into the valley . The sun had risen above the treetops by then , and Colin stopped momentarily to pull off his shirt and stuff it into his backpack , enjoying the feeling of the fresh air and sunshine on his skin . Maybe the pond near his house was still warm enough to go for a swim that afternoon ; he 'd have to see when he got back . It was nearly noon when he passed the vague boundary between the open farmland and hills , and the treed streets of the north end of town ; houses began to pass by him with more frequency , and he saw a sign that said " M . C . Petrie Elementary School " with an arrow pointing off to the left , where a low brick building stood partially hidden in a maple grove . The monkeybars and teeter - totters were empty at the moment , but Colin remembered the smells , the overwhelming smells , of paste and fingerpaints and modeling clay and the teacher 's perfume and the peculiar , beige - tinged scent of textbooks , and his mind was carried back to when he 'd been that age , it was what ? Almost thirty years ago ? It hardly seemed possible . The school flew past as he coasted easily downhill , and he maneuvered around a truck that someone had left parked crooked , its tailgate hanging open , halfway out into the road . Inconsiderate , that sort of thing . Colin looked around for the truck 's owner , but his momentary thought that he 'd like to tell him to move his damn truck , someone could get in a serious accident , slipped past as the truck disappeared behind him . He passed a street sign - Torrance Road - and thought briefly about heading up that way , and seeing if his parents were home . He was fairly certain they wouldn 't be , but he felt a twinge of guilt at riding on past , not even heading by and seeing if his dad was out mowing the lawn , or his mom doing the final garden cleanup before the hard freeze that was certain to come in the next few weeks . South of Torrance Road was a row of auto dealerships and car repair shops , and the faint , burnt - orange scent of motor oil clung like a low fog around them . Colin wrinkled his nose . He 'd always hated that smell ; it reminded him of his uncle , who was a mechanic and a bully , and whose hands always had faint dark lines where the soap couldn 't reach . That smell always came with him , and Colin was glad that he hadn 't seen his uncle in a long time . It was okay , that was okay with him , even if now Colin was as big as his uncle and unlikely to have his shoulder pinched or the back of his head slapped for saying something stupid . Zoe lived up on the west side of town , in a neat little subdivision near the high school . It was her parents ' house ; she 'd gone to college to study architecture , but when the economy went south and the job market dried up , she 'd come back home . There 'd been phone conversations - several of them - but they 'd never progressed past , " How are you ? " and " I 'm fine " and " How are your parents doing ? " and " They 're fine . " Colin had always intended to ask her out , see if she 'd like to see a movie , maybe get dinner at the little Greek place on College Avenue , but his nerve had always failed him . He pictured himself , suavely asking her to go out , then taking her out to a club afterwards for drinks and dancing . Maybe bringing her back to his place after that ( thirty miles out in the middle of nowhere , he thought , why would she want to go all the way out to your place ? ) . Then the thought that maybe she would ask him over to her place , maybe her parents would be away for the evening , maybe they could snuggle on the couch or even make out a little . The daydream always stopped there ; he wanted her , to feel her warm , tanned skin press against his , but it seemed too much to think about to consider that he could ever have made love to her . He contented himself with the daydream of sitting on her parents ' couch , pressed together , her dark hair fanned out across his shoulder , holding her while she dozed . Zoe 's parents ' house was a tidy little Cape Cod on Carson Street , its front only set ten feet back from the maple - lined sidewalk . Colin turned on Duvall Street , then took a right on Carson , and coasted the rest of the way to the fourth house on the left . The neighborhood was quiet , a breeze rustling in the orange - streaked leaves of the trees , bringing that brown butterscotch scent of autumn to his nostrils . Colin stopped , looking up at the house , and then leaned his bicycle against the nearest tree . He reached into his backpack , and pulled out his shirt - somewhat rumpled from being balled up for the past two hours - and shrugged it on , tugging the bottom into place and hoping that he didn 't smell sweaty . He didn 't think he did , but he also had heard you don 't always smell your own sweat , so he wasn 't really sure . He 'd run out of deodorant - and in any case the smell of anything but the unscented , hypoallergenic types was so strong that he couldn 't bear to use them . The few times he had done so he got flashes of red and orange , sharp , hard - edged smells , from his own body , and it was so distracting that at the first chance he could he 'd rushed home , stripped naked , gone to the shower , and scrubbed his skin until it was almost raw . It was possible , of course , that they were just out . Colin thought that , standing there . They 're just out . They 're just away . He knocked again , waiting for the sound of footsteps , then looked up and down the street . A deer came out of the neighbor 's yard , regarding him with wary liquid eyes , and then turned away and began to munch on the overgrown twigs of a rhododendron bush . Colin looked down the steps at the little front garden , that Zoe 's mother had so meticulously maintained . Goldenrod and asters and witch grass grew up through the dying leaves of the peonies and sea holly and black - eyed susans . She 'd better do some weeding soon , Colin thought , before the ground freezes . It 'll be too late , then , until next spring . He turned the handle of the door , and to his surprise , it opened , and he walked onto the front porch , his footsteps clunking hollowly on the wood planks . The door of the house stood a little ajar , as if Zoe or her mom or dad had just come through it , off to check the mail or walk the dog or chat with the neighbor . Colin pushed it open , calling , " Hello ? " It wasn 't until he entered the living room that he understood ; or maybe he had understood , weeks , months , a year earlier , and just couldn 't bring himself to believe it . She was lying on the sofa , one hand curled under her head , brown hair fanned out across the pillow . There wasn 't much left but bones , not really ; and the smell that was left wasn 't unpleasant , just dark , dark purple like stormclouds . It would have been worse had he come sooner , that he knew ; then it would have smelled black , black like the death it was , black like the death that had taken them all - all but him . Maybe there were others , but if so , he hadn 't seen them , hadn 't seen another human being for over a year , from the time the epidemic had roared through , leaving only him . Only him , and the crumbling remains of the world , breaking up and falling like the leaves in autumn . A . J . Aalto stands out amongst these new e - friends as one of the funniest , quickest , and most creative people in the Twitterverse . I have long since learned not to drink anything while reading her tweets , as I have on more than one occasion almost splattered the computer screen with coffee because of something hilarious she 's posted . So when I got my first e - reader , her book Touched was one of the first three I downloaded . Touched ( available at Amazon here ) is the story of Marnie Baranuik , the rather manic psychic detective whose skills are enhanced through her relationship with Guy Harrick " Harry " von Dreppenstedt , who also happens to be a 435 - year - old vampire ( excuse me , " revenant " - - the undead resent being referred to by the v - word , and the last thing you want is a pissed - off revenant gunning for your sorry ass ) . At the beginning of the book , Marnie has given up detecting for good and all , having had a rather painful experience during her last bout - - painful in both the literal and figurative sense , because of a gunshot wound and a passionate but brief relationship with Mark Batten , a fellow detective and fervent revenant - hater . But circumstances are not going to allow Marnie to remain in early retirement for long , and those circumstances include bringing Batten back into all - too - close proximity . What happens next would be spoiled by my giving any further details , but it is by turns screamingly funny , devastatingly ghastly ( let 's just say that the phrase " ghoul slime on the carpet " is one I never want to have to think about again ) , and all the way through a riproaring thriller . But what sets this book apart from others in its genre is the characters ; all too often , characters in paranormal thrillers are effectively interchangeable , and nothing could be further from the truth when it comes to Touched . From Marnie 's frenetic and self - deprecating sardonic wit , to Harry 's silk - over - a - sword - edge cordiality , to Batten 's tough guy bluster , each of the characters rings as true as sterling . We wouldn 't even need " . . . said Marnie , " " . . . said Harry , " and so on to know who 's talking . And this extends even to the minor characters - - the occult - store owner Ruby Valli and the psychic detective wannabee Danika Sherlock are also brilliantly drawn . A pilot crash - lands in a crater . His ship is scrap metal . But will his rescuer decide that the best thing for all concerned is to let him die ? |
Two days ago , Bill and Tom came over to my house so that we could study for our exams . They also brought a couple of friends over . The first guy 's name is Georg . He 's from Germany , about 5 ' 10 " , with long , silky brown hair , gorgeous green - gray eyes , dimples , and a muscular figure that will make all the girls faint . The other guy 's name was Gustav . He 's also from Germany , about 5 ' 7 " with short blond hair , black - rimmed glasses , several tattoos , and a nice smile . Anyway , we were quizzing one another when Bill decided that he would order Chinese for everyone . BIG mistake on his part . About fifteen minutes later , we were all stuffed with fried rice and chicken wings when all of a sudden , Georg let out a rather loud SBD . The rest of us yelled , " Georg ! " Georg said apologetically , " Sorry , guys . The food must really mess up my stomach . I have to go take a dump NOW ! " He then ran into the restroom , yanked down his jeans , and slammed down on the toilet without even bothering to close the door . He immediately let out mushy , stinky diarrhea and farts , moaning in relief and holding his stomach while letting out a few curse words in German . Then , suddenly , the rest of us had to poo really badly as well . Unfortunately , Georg was still using the downstairs toilet and the only other toilet in my house wasn 't working . Then , Bill came up with this insane idea that we should poop in my pool . At first , we were a little hesitant about his idea , but then we realized that it was either that or poop in our pants . So , I grabbed some toilet paper and a huge plastic bag , and Bill , Tom , Gustav , and I went outside to the pool . The four of us pulled our underwear down and squatted over the pool . For the next few minutes , all I could hear were the sounds of plopping , farting , grunting , and straining as we all took a humongous dump into my pool . Georg apparently thought that what we were doing looked fun , because he came outside without his pants on , squatted over the pool , and started pooping some more . We wiped ourselves after we were done and placed the soiled toilet paper inside the plastic bag . We all stood up to look into the pool at our finished product . We all produced a lot of poo , but Bill and Tom produced the biggest poos out of all of us . Tom said teasingly , " I feel really sorry for the guy who has to clean this mess ! " It has been a long time since my last post . I think this is a good thing , because both my daughter Chelsi and I have been accident free for quite some time . I think the last time we had any accidents was last Thanksgiving ! My run of good luck , accident - free days , ended this week . I started going to a spin class at the beginning of December with my friend Nancy a couple nights each week . Something happened on Thursday night that has me thinking of not going back � We were just about to finish a particularly difficult class when my stomach started acting up . When we finished , everyone got off their bikes and I felt a little faint . I had to hold onto the bike while I towelled it off . Nancy was on the bike behind me and asked if I was okay . I told her , " I don 't know . " Then my stomach gurgled and I though I was going to throw up . I put my hand to my mouth , but I didn 't throw up after all . My bowels however contracted and a sharp cramp hit me . I felt a big rush of diarrhea come out of nowhere and I started pooping my pants before I could get my butt cheeks clenched . I got them clenched but I knew that the damage was done . A look of horror came over my face and Nancy asked , " Kate , are you okay ? " I couldn 't speak . I could not hold the diarrhea back either . It came on strong and there seemed to be a lot of it . It bubbled out and made a noticeable bulge in the back of my gray yoga pants . It was wet too . Really wet . All I could say was " Ohhh ! " I turned around to leave the class room and I heard Nancy gasp . She came up to me and said , " Oh honey , its okay . " I was walking hunched over and was still letting out diarrhea into my cream bikini panties . It was horrible . We got into the change room and Nancy said that she would help me get cleaned up . The problem was that I had forgotten to bring extra panties to change into . Nancy said that I could borrow hers , but by then I had already put my jeans on over my yoga pants and the mess had spread all over my bum and down my legs a little bit . I grabbed a fabric shopping bag from the trunk to sit on while I drove home . We had been taking turns driving , and Thursday was my turn to drive , so I had to drop her off first . Just after I dropped her off , I had to go again and erupted in my pants , again . When I got home , I was a total mess from the waist down . My husband John and my daughter Chelsi saw me when I got home and they left me alone to get cleaned up . I took a long hot shower and got myself cleaned up . They didn 't say anything to me about iThank you , Hi . I just saw Sarah 's last post about my sister Melanie 's accident on New Year 's Eve . I felt so bad for my sister . Nobody even knew that she was sick during our walk . Sarah went back and walked with Mel for the last part , but she didn 't say anything about not feeling well . Like Sarah said , she was in the washroom for a while and when she came out , we immediately knew something was wrong . When she said that she couldn 't hold it , both Sarah and I knew what she was talking about . Anyway , my last post was on page 1954 and was a story about the sixth accident that I remember having . It was in my last year of University and my friend Inga and I were walking to class when a sharp cramp hit me . I said something like , " Oh god ! " Inga asked what was wrong and I told her that I was going to be sick . Then another cramp hit and I ended up going diarrhea quite badly in my high cut underwear and jeans . I had to go a second time as I was driving back home . I was lucky not to have any other accidents until about 2009 � Melanie , Sarah and I were shopping at the Chinook Centre mall l here in Calgary . Melanie had driven first to Sarah 's place to pick her up . She lived close to that mall at the time anyway . We ate lunch and were in a store called RW & Co . I was in the dressing room trying on some new pants and other clothes when I started to not feel well . I knew that I needed to get to the ladies room as I was having an attack of diarrhea . I took off the jeans I was trying on and quickly pulled mine back on . I put on my shirt and grabbed my coat and purse . Melanie and Sarah were together looking through some blouses . I went up to them and said , " I need to use the washroom , like right now ! " Sarah said , " Okay , I need to as well . " I quickly walked through the store , trying to keep my butt cheeks clenched . As I was almost out of the store , a shot of diarrhea went into my pink bikini underwear . As it was coming out of me , I stumbled slightly . I knew that my underwear was going to have a little mess in them . I finally got to the ladies room and there was a line up . Sarah and Mel were beside me and I kept saying under my breath , " Oh god , please hurry . " And , " Come on , please ! " After a few more minutes of waiting , my bowels cramped up again and I started going in my underwear . When it happened , I said quietly , " Oh god , no ! " A rush of diarrhea erupted into my pink bikini underwear . It was a huge mess too . I could feel it swishing around in my underwear . Finally , a stall opened up and I went in . I stood there for a few seconds not knowing what to do . I took off my coat and hung it and my purse on the door hook . I could hear both Sarah and Melanie enter other stalls . Sarah was on her period at the time and I could hear her changing her pad . Melanie had to pee , so she did that , washed her hands and left . Sarah left a few minutes later when she was finished . Meanwhile , I undid my jeans and carefully pulled them down . Some of the mess had leaked out of the back left of my bikini underwear and was in my jeans . I got some toilet paper and wiped thWell , I should get going . I will be back soon with another post of other accidents that I have had . Luckily there are not too many more to tell ! I was going out with this girl Jen when I was 16 . She wanted me to teach her how to surf since I live by the beach and I had been doing it for years , so she came over my house very early one morning to get the good waves , around 5 : 30 a . m . I let her borrow one of my wetsuits , careful not to wake my parents , and we stopped for breakfast . When we got to the beach we paddled right out for some small waves , and Jen was actually very good . She could stand up well . But a short while later I noticed her standing funny on the board and she kept falling . I told her to just stand like she was before with her feet spread out , not close together like that . She just agreed but kept doing it . Finally I knew something was wrong and asked her , and she told me she really had to go # 2 . I accidentally raised my voice rudely when I told her she better not go in my wetsuit , and it made her upset . I apologized and told her we could go back to my house . She refused because she thought that was gross and didn 't want to wake my family . It was her only option , because the beach restrooms didn 't unlock till 9 , but she wouldn 't . I JOKINGLY said " well then you better find a rock . . . " and she took it seriously ! She sighed and asked me to go with her . I was shocked but of course I said ok , and we paddled over to the jetti . A jetti is like a bunch of rocks that extends into the water . She was very anxious and I had to help her pull down her wet suit . She walked onto the rocks and found a flat one to stand on , that two rocks surrounded , for privacy . She pulled down the back of her bikini to expose her white little butt , and got to work . With a big push came a long hard turd . After one more push it was done , at about ten inches . The water wasn 't high enough to wash it away , so it stayed on the rock . She gave another push and a poop about the same size came out . She just used the inside of her bikini to wipe and apologized non - stop . When she finally got her wetsuit up a wave came and sent her turds off to sea . She was very embarrassed and upset but AHHHH I pooped in my bed last night ! I was having a dream about being on the TV show survivor and I went to poop in the jungle , and I woke up with a turd hanging out of my butt ! ! ! I stupidly rolled over and it smeared AALL over my butt and made it smell . I jumped out of bed when I figured out what happened and I still had to go . I started for the bathroom but as soon as I got to the door I lost control and the poop flowed . ALL over the floor . I went into my mom 's room to tell her and she was really mad and I cried . She had to scrub the floor and change the sheets . Like I said the poop was all over my butt and she made me show her . She said she was going to clean me up but I told her that was insane and I would do it . She said it was everywhere and I wouldn 't get it all , and if I didn 't want her to do it she would get my brother to . We are 15 year old twin boys , and I thought that would be better than her doing it , because we are close brothers . He was tired and grossed out but did it , and it was very awkward . Sorry I 'm anonymous , but this has been embarrassing me the whole day even though only he knows what happened , and I needed to tell someone ! Me and my friend and teammate Shelby had some extra time last weekend since our team didn 't play . We decided at the last minute to buy some on - line tickets for a concert which was held that evening in a city about 90 miles from ours . I drove down and Shelby drove back . She 's very good about accepting responsibilities like that . By the time we got to the arena and parked , it was starting to sleet and when we left the concert , there was about an inch of snow on the ground and the wind was blowing it around real bad . Shelby still volunteered to drive because she 's from up north where they have heavy snow for much of the winter . Before we went to the parking garage , we stopped in the restroom by the entrance . We took adjacent stalls in one really huge bathroom and both of our pee streams started at about the same time . Mine lasted almost two minutes ; Shelby beat me by at least 30 seconds . I stayed seated waiting for her and in doing so I carefully looked at my left knee . I had badly bruised it in a game a few nights earlier and our trainer said I should watch it for possible infection since the skin was broken . Once we got on the highway , we found the traffic was bumper - to - bumper and that there were a lot of accidents . Whereas we would be doing 75 or 80 , now we were crawling at 35 MPH and occasionally we had to stop as the wind blew our car and ice coated onto our windshield . I don 't know if it was because of the stress or all the pop I had drank , but I was starting to feel like I was going to have to pee again , and before we got home . Shelby had two extra large drinks and said she hadn 't had a shit for two days , but felt one coming on . We both looked at each other exasperated and didn 't think there was a rest stop for at least 10 miles . At the pace the traffic was going , that was quite a bit of time away . And our windshield was both fogging and icing up . After about 45 very long minutes we saw we were nearing a rest stop . However , we couldn 't get over into the right lane because of the traffic and we missed the exit . Shelby got mad and decided to still try to get over and in doing so , we ended up in the right - hand lane at the exit from the rest stop , but Shelby said the shit that was tormenting her justified driving into the rest stop on the frontage road that was supposed to be a one - way exit . A couple of truckers flashed their lights and honked at us , but Shelby said she didn 't care . I agreed with her that it might take us another two hours to get back home and that both of us would have a mess in our pants . We must have driven the equivalent of about six blocks against the flow of the traffic to finally reach the parking lot of the rest stop . Coming from the wrong direction made it difficult for Shelby to angle into a parking space , but she 's a pretty good driver and did a nice job with it . Because of the cold and storm , as much as for our bathroom needs , Shelby and I both ran for the brick rest room building . It was well lit on the outside but you could hardly see it with the snow blowing . We were running into the snow and the wind was blowing it into our eyes . I 'm 6 ' 3 " and an athlete and it took me three attempts to yank the very heavy entrance door open for the restroom . Shelby said something about shitting her pants just before I was able to yank the door open . We turned to our left and the very small bathroom of three stalls . None had a door , but we didn 't care . Shelby took the first one , dropping the seat which was raised real fast and dropping her jeans and black thong to her ankles with lightning speed . I thought it was amazing because her gas started blasting away and the crap was dropping a few seconds before she could throw herself onto the seat . Like me , she 's a large girl so there was a thud I could her when she was fully seated . I took the second stall . My seat was already down and I dropped my jeans and lowered my underwear as I carefully sat over the seat . The fact that my butt was freezing from the cold of the seat and very little heat in the room , was punctuated by my curiosity about what was to my left . There were two feet in dirty tennis shoes swinging about six inches off the floor and a puddle beneathe them , probably of melted snow . Then a piecing cry started : " Moommmee , moommmee . " A quick note about my post called " Dirty Business in the Pool " , I just realized that the phrase " loud SBD " makes NO sense whatsoever ! Oh well . Here 's another story : I was back at the twins ' house today so that we can play some games when Tom decided that he was going to go to a store to get food for all of us . That meant that I was left alone with the beautiful Bill . We were sitting on the couch together , nearing leaning on one another , when I felt really bad cramps in my intestines and I knew that I had to do some BIG business . I could also tell by the way Bill was holding his stomach and his facial expression that he really had to poop as well . He said to me with a slight strain in his voice , " I really have to go to the restroom . Will you come with me ? " I agreed to go with him , saying that I also had to use the restroom . We went into the restroom , and Bill let me go first . I pulled down my blue skinny jeans and sat on the toilet . Immediately I let out a squeaky fart followed by several plops . By then , Bill was squirming , and I knew that he REALLY had to go , so I tried to hurry up and finished . As I stood up , Bill already had his grey skinny jeans down and slammed down on the toilet . I then asked him to do something for me that no one has ever done for me before . I stuck my bum out toward him and asked him , " Can you wipe my backside for me please ? " Bill hesitated for a second , but then grabbed some tissue and started to wipe my bum as he dropped huge turds into the toilet . We did something else while he was on the toilet , but I can 't discuss that here . When Bill was done , he stood up and asked me to wipe him . I complied , and when we looked into the toilet , we saw that we both had produced some monster turds . We flushed the toilet , fixed our jeans , and headed back to the living room just as Tom came back from the store with some wings , pizza , brownies , and Coke . He said , " Hey , guys ! Did anything interesting happen while I was gone ? " Freshman Freddy and Half Dump Denise : I was in 4th grade and there was this female student teacher with a stack that would not quit . She was blonde and leggy . One day she came into the girls bathroom . I was peeing on the throne . She took the next stall and let her beige slacks and pink Jockey panty down to her ankles . It was a warm day , so I was wearing only a white FOL panty under my jumper . I was playing with my panty at my knees . I was peeing real hard . This teacher , a tall leggy blonde , let her bowels open up and she was dropping these long pieces , plop after plop after plop . Then , she let out this buzzing dry fart . I was finished peeing when I took paper , opened my legs and wiped my hairless cat . I left her in her stall with her pants down . The next day about 10AM , I went to the same bathroom to pee . I was looking at myself in the mirror when she walked in , undoing her pink pants , zipper parted and white panty partially showing , forming a v - shape at her cat . She dropped her pants , baring her smooth white backside with freckles . She took a stall , let her clothes down to her ankles . Her bowels exploded and I heard these heavy chunks . I took the next stall , lifted my navy jumper , pulled down my white / red print JCP panty to my knees and I squirted out my pee . It squirted 3x before it was steady . When I finished , I wiped myself good because urine splashed bet . my legs . I let down my dress and pulled up my panty and left . 2 . Have you ever had an accident ? If so , when and what were the circumstances ? I wet myself a few times in kindergarten and grammar school and Sunday School . I was hesitant to ask to go to the bathroom . 3 . If you had an accident at school , would you rather be a popular kid , or a not popular one ? Which do you think would be worse ? 4 . Have you ever peed / pooped on the street for fun ? Yes 5 . If so , where ? I have done so in park woods . I did pee bet . parked cars when I was in 2nd grade . I was on my way home and could not hold it . For the first time in a while I was caught with no toilet paper . Colin and I were driving to some friends ' farm out in the middle of nowhere and as we approached a very creepy looking gas station Colin realized the car needed gas and I realized I had to take a shit . So while he got gas I walked to the side of the building to use the restroom . It looked clean , and unless the toilet seat is disgusting , I usually don 't bother putting paper down . So after closing and locking the door I pulled down my pants and underpants and sat on the gleaming seat . I took a pretty nasty semi - soft shit which left behind quite a trace of itself between my buns . So , I reach into the dispenser and realize there 's no frigging toilet paper . I thought there was , but upon closer inspection I realized that what looked like a roll of TP was really the unusually thick spindle the TP is supposed to be on . No paper towels , just a hand dryer . I would have washed my ass in the sink , but there was no soap . What did I do , you ask ? I pulled up my pants and spent the rest of the trip with butt mud . First thing I did when we got to the farm was go into the bathroom and wipe my ass . I have no idea how , but somehow my underpants managed to avoid getting smeared with shit , and it sure felt like a lot down there . On my way to my job interview , I bought myself a double shot espresso to keep myself awake , while in the car I drank a huge bottle of water because I drink when I 'm nervous . So I pull up to the building and go to the waiting room . I realized I had to pee but I didn 't want them to call my name and me not be there so I waited . . . I waited for another hour but the urge was getting stronger so I got up to go to the bathroom but they called my name to go in . I was trying to cross my legs and walk at the same time so I was getting looked funny by the boss . I got in and sat down and we started talking about the job . By halfway through I felt like my bladder was going to explode , I was really worried about wetting and soiling myself right there , but I held on , all the convsersation didn 't help things either , Finally , I couldn 't hold it anymore ! a torrential stream of pee erupted and flowed from me . The initial pain of all that pressure quickly gave way to relief like a river right there onto the floor . I was humiliated . I left the room squeezing my butt cheeks together as hard as I could . . . . because I was so afraid that I 'd soil my pantyhose . ( I wasn 't wearing any panties under my pantyhose ) . I began crying in the lift , desperate now because I knew I could not hold back my poop any longer ! So I shut my eyes as if to try and shut out the humiliation of those people standing right behind me , seeing and watching everything , Immediately a load shit appeared at my asshole and pushed its way out , embarrassing farting noises erupted from me , I could have died from shame ; I wanted the earth to swallow me up ! Once the lift open , i walk as fast as i could to the car , I spread newspapers on the seat , when i sat down , it smushed in between my legs , and got all over my crotch . tears of shame streaming from me and sobs of embarrassment racking my body . as more farting noises and then another , and yet another long stream of very wet diarrhea , that just kept coming and coming and i start to pee again , then the brown juice started dripping from the back to the sides of my legs and down to my shoes . . . . . I came into the house with a messy pantyhose , It was the most terrible experience of my life . Amylee , you really describe your bathroom experiences in great detail . I 'm glad you 're overcoming your poop shyness in public restrooms . I tend to go everyday at work , but was once shy about it too . Now , I really don 't think too much about it . Louisa , welcome . Please do post more stories about yourself and the other flight attendants . I remember reading in the past postings from another flight attendant and recall that she mentioned she had the issue of getting constipated too . I 've posted here before ( around 1830s to 1860s ) . Most of my stories are office related , listening to other women go in the toilet . I just wanted to say how much I love Amylee 's stories . Also . . Louisa , I 'm excited to hear from you . Have you listened / chat with to other flight attendants while doing it ? I 'm looking forward to hearing your stories . Louisa Hello ! I have a story for buddy , the guy who asked for airplane stories , and also my story fits in with a theme I 've noticed : there have been a lot of buddy dump stories . So this goes in both categories . It was my first time flying by myself , I was only 15 , with my friend Cole . He was a little taller than me , had long blonde surfers hair , and was really skinny , like me . While waiting we ate like three orders of french fries and a slice of greasy pizza in the terminal . Literally as soon as we took off I felt my stomach start to hurt and I thought it was from the flight . Me and Cole kept talking though and after about 30 minutes it hurt terribly . I wanted to try to poop in the bathroom but the seatbelt light was on , and plus I didn 't want to gross out Cole . The seatbelt light turned off 15 minutes later and I was so happy . I told Cole I had to use the bathroom and this was his response : " Dude , same here , I have to take the worst poop . " It was awkward at first but I decided to tell him that I did too . We both walked down the aisle and I opened the bathroom door , and Cole suggested that we might as well both go in together . I thought it was weird , but he had a point , since we were going to be next to each other for the next seven hours , we might as well . Plus I had to go terribly and didn 't feel like arguing , you know that feeling ? It was actually big for a plane bathroom and I asked him if I could go first , because mine isn 't going to be pretty . He laughed and agreed . I got my shorts down and sat with a loud fart . With little pushing a long snake turd came out , curling around the little bowl . When it broke it must have been 12 or 13 inches . I felt a lot better ! Cole started jumping around and I didn 't want to be rude so I wiped and got up . He commented on how awesomely long my poop was . He didn 't even flush mine . His sounded wet , and it was , I could tell by the smell . He didn 't really make any faces or anything , he just did what he had to do . He flushed and the super toilet sucked it all down . We had a good flight , and I even had to poop again at the airport . Hope you liked my story ! Hi to everyone . Car Mom another great post with the three girls in the backseat . ( the post with the hmming girl ) I was in the shower three days ago . I had finished washing myslef down and was about to wash my hair when the sudden urge to shit came upon me . So I immeadiatly got out of the shower soaking wet and I didn 't sit down on the seat to go . Instead I stood over the toilet and went . I did piss a little for several seconds . Then I started to shit . My shit I could feel came out very fast ! In seconds my asshole closed and reopened back up . My first shit when it fell into the toilet sent up a big splash which did hit my inner thighs . My second shit after only several seconds fell sending up a second splash which was not as hard as the first one . Then I had a third shit start out and only after a few seconds it too fell into the toilet under me . There was no splash from the third shit . I stepped forward and I looked down in the toilet . In the toilet were my three shits . Boy was I surprised by the lengths of them ! The largest one was over ten inches long . The next biggest one was near eight inches long , and the smallest one was over a half foot long . There was a strong oder to my shit too that filled the bathroom . All of them were pretty fat , dark brown , and smooth . I flushed the toilet waited for it to stop running . Then I got back in the shower washed my butt off and then washed my hair . I wonder if anyone else has had the same thing happen to them . Upstate Dave You seem to be doing find with the poo - shyness : ) I love okra and being from the south I have had it on many occasions . Increasing fiber in your diet will take time and a little adjusting , but it will be worth it in the long run . I love your posts . . . it seems as if you all have your own pooping community . I played sports in high school and college and have gone to the bathroom with others in the locker rooms or hotel rooms . But I do not remember anything like you are describing at your office . Friday , January 28 , 2011 6 . I haven 't written a lot recently , but have written off and on over past six years . Why , because I enjoy sharing experiences with other Amylee . I adore your experiences . I haven 't written to you before , but your last story of having a shit with Ann , Your Human Resource Manager in the next cubicle has made me very wet just thinking of it . It was ho I first realized that women on the toilet are so helpful , I have never experienced such kindness any where else . I found that the prime time was around nine each morning and that if any colleague went to the lav in the afternoon almost always it was for a shit . I loved to listen and went whenever I can to listen , still do . I had a wonderful shit with my colleague and best friend Ruth , in the Law Courts yesterday . We were there on different cases , but she was heading for the loo at the same time as me . I loved to listen to the rapid rustling as she hiked her skirt up and the slither of panties , the pregnant pause then a gasp and the splatter of shit , all this almost in one movement and before I had my panties down . Ruth was very loose , almost like diarrhea , but I was normal , three four longish turds all slipping out in a rush , then I was wiping and waiting for Ruth to finish . She asked me to wait inside for her and when she opened the cubicle door I stepped in and just enjoyed the sight of her , panties right down . God she has always turned me on like that so much . I have always wondered if other women feel like that at all , but so far nobody has written to say yes or no . I was traveling on a 5 hour train journey to scotland once when I was 14 & as soon as I got on the train I felt a big urge to poo . I hadn 't been for 4 days & knew I 'd have to go on the train or risk having an accident in my panties . I went to the toilet at the end of the carriage only to find it was full of someones diarrhoea . It was all over the seat & floor & there was on way on earth I was going to use it . My stomach was cramping up & I had to clench my anus shut to keep my poo in for the whole journey . I was really desperate & almost pood myself several times . By the time the train arrived in Glasgow I was in agony & was about to fill my pants at any moment . The more I clenched the more it hurt to keep this monster of a poo inside me . I was now beyond desperate & was afraid to move in case I lost control . I had to get off the train very carefully & as I stepped onto the station platform I felt my anus open without my permission . About half an inch of poo poked out of my bum before I could suck it back in . I then had to find a toilet in a strange place I 'd never been to & fast . I looked franticaly for a sign but my luck conspired against me . I had to ask someone for directions but the man had such a strong accent I couldn 't understand a word he was saying . I was so desperate by now I had to hold my bum & the pain from holding it so long was unbearable . My need to poo was becoming an emergency & I still had no idea where the toilets were . I felt an irresistable urge to push but with no chance of finding to a toilet I was out of options . My anus opened againist my will & I tried to clench it shut but the pressure in my bowels was forcing my poo out with such a force there was nothing I could do to stop it . It was a hard , knobly poo & it was a big one so it hurt as it bumped its way through my anus . I didn 't want to poo my pants in such a public place but the the more I went the better I felt as the pressure quickly dropped . My panties felt heavy as I filled them & I felt the most intense relief , I didn 't care whEarly Memories I heard FK pull her jeans and pants down in one movement and she settled down on the toilet . She briefly tinkled , before there was a loud THUDDD ! then a gentle hiss , a slithering sound and a loud SPLASH ! Another THUDDD ! was followed a rapid SPLASH - SPLASH - SPLASH - SPLASH ! There was the tiniest rattle of the toilet paper holder before FK pulled up her pants and jeans , flushed , washed her hands and came out . Shortly afterwards , I had reason to see her about some aspect of the work we were doing on location and I noticed as I sat down next to her that it was pretty obvious what she had been up to recently . Later on I saw HS walking towards , and then into the toilet - she farted twice with a QUACK - QUACK as she walked and she looked rather desperate . She was . I heard her tinkle for some time before a loud rasping QUACK - QUACK ! was followed by a crackle and a soft but prodigious sounding FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMP ! Shortly afterwards there was another loud a rapid QUACK - FLOOOOOOMP ! This was followed by a QUACK - FLOOOP - FLOOOP - FLOOOP - FLOOOP - FLOOOOOP , then shortly afterwards by a QUACK ! FLOOOOOMP ! FLOOOMP ! FLOOOMP ! as HS finished . I heard her wipe , and the sounds of her adjusting her clothes and washing her hands . Around 5 mins later , I got in the minibus in my favourite double seat next to the driver and put my seatbelt on . The teachers shouted out " is everyone in ? I looked next to me and there was no - one there . " Where 's FK ? " I heard someone call out . " She 's on the toilet ! shouted out HS . One of the teachers went to retrieve FK although it was some five minutes before they both came out . The teacher was bundled in the back , and FK sat next to me in front . FK had sprayed some deodorant , but there was still an overpowering whiff coming from her as we drove the seven miles to the restaurant . Thanks for the advice from several of you helping me to overcome my poo shyness in public restrooms . I 've found at the office that I should get over this since I often have a BM need during the workday , probably 4 out of the 5 days . I wrote about Ann , our new Human Resources manager in a recent post . While she 's not as " vocal " on the toilet as Leigh , my boss ( the grunter ) , she is certainly not poo shy at all . I 've mentioned that the prime poo times for the ladies in our building are at 10 a . m . and 2 p . m . I usually try to avoid those times , but today I had to go badly at 10 a . m . We 'd gone to my in - law 's house for dinner last night , and my mother - in - law made what she called a southern meal . One of the dishes she made was fried okra . I 'd not had this before , but now understand it 's a high fiber food . It was very good . My husband and I both liked it and ate quite a lot . At work today around 9 : 45 I got a pain and felt I was going to need to poo . I waited hoping to miss the 10 a . m . rush in the restroom , but about 10 minutes later , I couldn 't wait . I went toward the ladies ' room . As I turned the corner toward the restroom , Ann approached from the other direction . She smiled and spoke to me . We arrived at the restroom door at the same time and I held the door for her . We went in and 5 of the 6 stalls were occupied , the open one was the 4th . I took it and as I was latching the door , the 3rd stall toilet next to me flushed and the lady went out . So Ann took that one right next to me . I thought , " Well , Ann is going to hear me poo again ! " I sat next to her last week and accidently farted very loudly , which had been my introduction to her since I 'd not met her up to that point . It was a casual day at the office so I had on a pair of jeans , pretty tight ones , and I was really struggling to get them down quickly before I had an accident . Ann had on jeans as well and was looking nice today . She and I got seated about the same time . While we were getting our jeans down , there was a symphony of pooing going on all around us . It 's I am Ekaterina from Russia . I had a horrible experience . I am opera singer and was in Austria for audition . I was travelling by train to the town where the audition was and I was hungry so I ate a sandwich . It was either poisoned or not fresh . I started to get sick when I arrived to the theatre . I had to run immediately to the toilet when I got there and had horrible diarreah . Of course I couldn � t concentrate on my singing . I had to go again before I got on the stage . The most horrible thing was that when I sang I felt everything would come out of me . It was so awkward I had to excuse myself to run out between the first and second aria to have diarreah again . I had no other choice otherwise I would ruine my dress . I was sitting there and just crying . They listenened to my second aria but of course I din � t receive the job . When I travelled back by train diarreah continued it was horrible to have that on the train because the toilet vas not always vacant and I stood there afraid of having an accident . And I even had to throw up . It was over after 5 hours but this was my worst experience ever . Kirsty To New Guy : Don 't worry about miss spelling my name . Lots of posters have done it . I think it was about a year ago when we first buddy dumped . In answer to the question of Louise joining up with a buddy dump , I don 't think all three of us would fit on one toilet . It would have to be a big one . I 'm sure she would be up for it if we could all physicaly fit . We did share a nice poo in that hollowed out tree a few posts back . Next page : Old Posts page 1982 >< Previous page : 1984 Back to the Toilet ToiletStool . com , " Boldly bringing . com to your bodily functions . " Go to Page . . . Forum Survey |
I went today and picked up the lawnmower blades and my b - I - l and I got them put on . It was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be . I sat on the ground by my b - I - l and watched him change them . It can 't get easier than that . What still gets me is when I went to pick up the blades , the guy that was supposed to be here on Monday to pick the mower up , didn 't mention a thing about it . I told my b - I - l what I had written about earlier , that I didn 't know if they had too much business or just didn 't care . He told me they just didn 't care , which I believe is right . He also told me if the roles had been reversed , that guy would have been yelling the loudest of anyone about missing an appointment . One of my younger brothers was here this weekend too , and he told me he had just bought a new lawnmower . He said he would bring down his old mower and we could use that if we wanted to . I think he said his old one is a Husqvarna . He told me there 's nothing wrong with it except the right back tire has a slow leak . But this one has a grass catcher on it . He 's going to leave it here so that it can be used out at the farm when needed . That means I have a back up mower now . Oh the joy ! So even though Fmom has always been against me mowing the lawn on a Sunday , it looks like I 'll be doing it . I 've got no excuse not to mow now . I might even break out my MP3 player and try to keep the ear buds in while mowing . This summer appears to have suddenly gotten much longer . This is for Manny . This is the closest I could find for me . They need to put an old man sleeping in a chair on that site . : ) Updated this one . This is more to my nature . : ~ ) Labels : Yard We have one small engine repair shop in town . It 's run by someone I 've known since I was a kid . Heck they grew up not more than 150 yards from my house . There 's a blade that 's severely bent on my lawnmower and I can 't use it until I get new ones . Well I went down about three weeks ago and asked if they could order a mulching blade set up for my mower . Yep they could and that was no problem . I waited and waited and finally called . I was told right off that they don 't make those anymore . I wondered why wasn 't I called and told about this . So I asked could they put on regular blades and I was told yes . Since I have no way of getting the mower to them , I asked could they pick it up for me , and I was told it would be the first of this week before they could pick it up - nothing yet . I don 't know if they have too much business or just don 't care . I have relatives here now and they parked their car in front of the mower . I was wondering if they showed up and thought it wasn 't worth the effort to ring the doorbell , and let us know they were there . I don 't know , but I do know I 've got to get it fixed soon because the lawn is looking bad and dang it , my neighbors have been doing an excellent job on keeping their lawns . Now I know I 'm slackerly , but I think I 've met my match . Labels : Yard I found out about an insidious group of people some months ago . These people are supposedly all over the world and they love what they have and even flaunt it . These people are the " Sheet Snobs " . When I first found out about them , I knew I had to delve farther into the back alleys of Home and Garden . I had to find out what drove these people to speak not in hushed tones , but loudly about Egyptian cotton sheet . Never in my life had the thought of Egyptian cotton come to mind , and to me a sheet was a sheet , but these people , with their noses held high , spoke of these sheets as if they were handed down from a high . So I decided to investigate . I found that cotton grown in Egypt has a staple length of over 2 1 / 4 " , twice the size of that in generic cotton and 60 % longer than Pima cotton . On May 17 , 1927 , the Misr Spinning and Weaving Company , in Al - Mehalla Al - Kobra , was founded , which is indeed the backbone of spinning and weaving industry in Egypt . Now that I 've found this out I had to look at some of the sheets on the Internet . I never knew a set of sheets could cost the same as a house payment , but some places do charge that . Being the ever - curious person I am , I decided to forego half a year 's income and buy a couple of sets of these wonder sheets . They were delivered yesterday afternoon and I figure by tomorrow morning I 'll know if there is such a thing as sleeping on a cloud . Regardless if I think they 're great or not , now I 'm a Sheet Snob . I 'll be able to say , " Only the best cotton comes from Egypt " , and I 'll be able to break down historically , staple length and thread count why these sheets are superior . Now you might wonder why a person who continually dozes off in his computer chair would buy such a thing . I mean I can sleep anywhere / anytime . So why do I need these ? I don 't , but I now know more about sheets , thread count and much more than I ever wanted to know . However , I have noticed one side effect of buying these sheets . I find myself walking around the house seeing the ceiling a loposted by Family Man | 6 : 07 AM I 've noticed something over time that 's kind of funny . Whenever I sit down to write something ; it seems to be harder if I don 't have the streaming radio going at the same time . I listen almost exclusively to LiveIreland and its traditional Irish music . I couldn 't tell you who is singing / playing what , but I do like to have it in the background . What 's funny is I 've never liked traditional music . When I was growing up Fdad tried to get all of us to like the Grand Old Opry and Bluegrass . The more he tried , the more I disliked it . I guess the time I came to really dislike it was when he would make us sit in front of the tv and watch the Grand Old Opry . I can 't really blame him because he loved the music and wanted to instill in us a sense of that love . I didn 't really get into music until my late teens . I grew up listening to pop / rock and some other types , but that was usually only in the car . I never did really care to have a record player or a radio until later . It 's only in the last couple of years that I found I like Irish traditional . So I guess it 's like I used to tell my daughters when they said they didn 't like some type of food . As you get older , your taste and attitudes change . So get used to it . Can you eat too much yogurt ? Fmom and I went through the fudgesicle wars not to long ago , and that was a standoff . Now she 's into yogurt . FMom and I are the same with food sometimes . I don 't know if other people do this , but once we find something that we like , we eat that until we 're burned out on it . Strawberries and peaches are a point in fact for me . When I was a kid , FMom would prepare strawberries and peaches for freezing . We had boxes and boxes in the big chest freezer . I would go to the freezer and get a box and while sitting in front of the TV , I would start chipping away at the fruit and eat until the whole box was gone . Then I 'd go back and start again . I did that so much that I finally got burned out on both . Don 't like them up till this day . I 've done that with other foods , but I 've tried to watch overdoing it . Now with Fmom , the older she 's gotten the pickier she has gotten about what she eats . It 's hard to find things that she will eat . Whenever there 's a warning about beef , pork , fish or any meat , vegetable or anything on the news then she decides she won 't eat that again . So trying to find what she will eat and to have a good diet for her is a little difficult . Anyway to get off the fudgesicle kick , I bought yogurt one day and she was off and running on that . She doesn 't even want fudgesicles now , but I 'm making daily run to the store for yogurt now . It 's like I 've said before , if I ever make it to 81 , I don 't want anyone telling me what to eat , when to go to bed or anything for that matter . I figure if I ever make it that far , then I must be doing something right , and definitely don 't want to be treated like a child . So keeping that thought in mind , I try to make sure Fmom eats right , but she is going to eat and do as she pleases . Now to get her off this latest kick or at least to tone it down a little . BTW I 'll eat a yogurt every now and then , but I 'm not trying to keep up with Fmom like I did with the fudgesicles . The relatives have finally gone . They left yesterday afternoon when I was asleep . Yesterday was sort of a bad day with this tooth , or more exactly with the loss of . So I slept as much as I could . We got a little rain last night , and we might be lucky enough to get some more today . It 's not nearly what we need , because we 're still in severe drought conditions . But any little bit helps . So I 'm on the search for a new dentist . As Boran said over at the Café , the odds are with me , so I 've got to get a good one soon . I really hope so . My biggest problem is I can 't go by word of mouth on who is good . With my insurance I have to take who is in the group , so as I said before , I have to pick by name . I think this time I 'll pick the next big city West of me , instead of East to see what dentist they have . Sooner or later , I 'll come back saying what a great experience I had at the dentist . Yeah sure . Hope everyone has a good weekend . When I walked into the office , I knew I should had turned around and walked out , but I had looked up this dentist , and the city paper had written up an article about , So $ So earns top dental honor . I figured that 's a step in the right direction for picking a dentist . When I walked in , the dentist was sitting at the front desk with the receptionist . I explained that my lower left molar crown had broken off , and that I had pain accompanying it . Now usually when you walk into a doctor 's or dentist 's office you expect it not to be completely sterile , but at least passable . My first impression was this place is really shabby - thus the impulse to turn around . I explained also about my insurance and what type of budget I 'm on . " Oh that no problem , they said . " I still felt uneasy about the place though . I finally get back to the chair and the assistant starts taking x - rays . Now my problem is my bottom left back molar , but she 's taking x - rays of the right side of my mouth . I tell her where the problem is and she says she knows . She keeps asking me if I have had a full mouth x - ray , and I tell her I 'm not sure . She asked the same question three times . I finally tell her yes , I do think I did have one done . So after x - rays , they do a cleaning . I 've needed a cleaning , but I 'm not sure why it 's a priority before he takes care of the tooth I came there for . Finally the dentist comes in . This is the beginning of pain . I usually tighten up and hold my breath whenever I 'm getting the novocaine . Not from pain , but because I hate needles so much . This was the first time I 've experienced real pain during the novocaine injection . We get that done , and he waits for a little while . It doesn 't really feel deadened , but he starts on the way to pulling the tooth . I almost come up out of the chair when he starts . So more novocaine . He ended up using four tubes of the novocaine , and from what I got , the reason being is he kept missing the nerve . It was one of those teeth where he really has to work to get it out anposted by Family Man | 2 : 06 PM I 've been staying away from it for awhile , but it 's dental time again . I just had a molar crown come off and the gum is hurting . The last two dentists I had , I 've given up on them . It seemed like they had a pain / sadistic thing going , and I didn 't like that . I 've often wondered why some dentists don 't care too much about the pain . Or is it just my luck to find these people when there are other dentists who try not to cause pain ? I don 't know . Now my big problem today is I have a list of dentists that are in my insurance plan , but who to pick ? I don 't know any of them , and there 's no one I can ask , so I 'm using the best possible method to pick . If I like the name , then I 'll give them a call . Ah , you say , that 's pretty stupid . Well I have a 50 / 50 chance of getting a good dentist and I 've already narrowed it down by 2 . The 2 past dentist I saw are on the list , and so they 're out . I did call one dentist yesterday , and when I asked did they take my insurance , they said yes , but I had to pay up front , and I had to file my own insurance . Well that sort of pissed me off and I told them , " No thanks . " To me that isn 't taking your insurance . It 's just saying , yes we 'll say we accept anything as long as we get your cash first . I 'm beginning to come to the conclusion that the dental profession is one of the biggest rip offs . So my search for the perfect dentist continues . As with most things , it 's hit or miss . As usual when you have relatives visiting and a really young child is part of the visit , things go wrong . I woke up this morning and went into the main bathroom and found wet towel all over the floor . My great nephew has this thing about flushing the toilet . I guess after I went to sleep , and while his grandparents weren 't watching him , he flooded the bathroom . It 's not like this hasn 't happened before , so I 'm not too upset . I 've got the first load of towels in the washer ( yes I still have to have the lid up when I wash ) with about a quarter of bottle of bleach . I was thinking about it and this is a good thing . I pulled out a towel yesterday , and when I grabbed it to dry off it still had that strong sulfuric acid smell . I had used a strong drain cleaner when I was trying to unstop the drains from last week , and everything backed up into the washer . I 've already rewashed them four times , but I was going to rewash them anyway , so now it 's just something that 's got me going sooner . On other home fronts , we 've got honey ants again . My family has a bad habit of getting up in the middle of the night and making something to eat . You ask , do they clean up after themselves ? Why of course not . So this morning I cleaned up the kitchen and found a small army of ants . I took care of them with Clorox cleaner , which works wonders by the way . What I 'm looking for those is some way to take care of them without reverting to bug spray or Clorox . Anybody got a natural way of taking care of ants ? I know I 've read somewhere about different things , but I would be interested to know what ya 'll use . I saw something yesterday that really surprised me . I had taken George out to do his thing and Cat was lying down on the patio . I look up and see Tom coming toward the patio . When Tom first arrived , he and Cat used to get into some pretty good fights , and then they came to an understanding . Well Tom comes on the patio and Cat goes up to him and they touch noses . Then they both go to their ends of the patio and lay down . All seems well with the world and then George comes bounding up to the patio . He goes straight to Tom who gets up and starts swiping his paw at George . Now if Tom ever really jumped on George , he would destroy him . But while this was going on , I see Cat jump up and put herself right in between George and Tom and she starts fighting Tom . It doesn 't get too far because I jump up and stop it . But it really surprised me to see Cat standing up for George . I guess I can understand it because I see them sleeping side by side on my bed a lot of times . Even when they play rough , Cat makes sure not to hurt George . Even with the things Cat does sometimes in the house , she sort of opened a little place in my heart when she defended George . Sometimes you feel affirmed , you feel there is a FSM , and that he / she / it does listen to you . This morning I was whining about I 'm ready for my relatives to go home . Well I set my feet in , and I got a long nap because I wasn 't going to deal with them this morning . When I finally woke up , from what was an excellent nap , I find out my great Nephew had taken the scissors to his head , and given himself ( sorry Olivia ) a haircut . His Grandmother had given him a nice one yesterday , but he decided he 'd like a little more of the top , the sides , the front and the back . He did one hell of a job on himself . He looks worse than George when I try to do the clipping myself . The only way he can look half way normal again is for them to get it all cut off . His Grandparents gave him holey hell about it . After they went back to their room , I called him over and told him he did a good job , and next time his Grandmother gives him a haircut , he should do the same thing . I told him , " It 's your hair , you should cut it how you want . " Hah ! ! ! ! I feel all is well with the world now . I 'm more than ready for the relatives to go home . My brother when he 's here never does anything anyway , so that 's an expected given . But my s - I - l used to help out some . I think she has washed one load of dishes since they 've been here this time , and half of them were ones they made dirty . Now that wouldn 't be so bad except they bought their 3 y . o . Grandson with them . He 's not as bad as you would expect though . A lot of times if I 'm on the computer or doing something and he comes to my room , I 'll tell him I 'm busy right now and he 'll turn around and go to the living room and find something to amuse himself with . I don 't remember , but I 'm sure I was much more whinny back at that age . Anyway between trying to keep the house cleaned , cooking and taking care of Fmom and the great Nephew , I 'm ready for them to head back to their kids house . Don 't get me wrong , I get most of my slack time in , but it is a hassle not to get the less than optimum naps per day in . I 'm still looking for that perfect day of slackdom though . I decided to give the big picture of the pond for ya 'll . I downloaded Google Earth last night and was surprised to see that in my area the pictures had become much clearer . I haven 't used it in probably about a year , and you couldn 't even tell where my neighborhood was back then . It has gotten much better since that time . If you look at the arrow you 'll see almost a straight line where in the backyards there is the brown grass ( mine ) , and the green grass ( my neighbors ) . The next picture I took this morning , and it shows very well the brown / green demarcation . My next door neighbor is one of those people who has to have a green lawn . Even during this severe drought , the neighbor has those automatic sprinklers going ever morning . The bird 's eye view of the pond . Click to enlarge . Green / Brown line in backyard . Click to enlarge . I have to admit I was surprised how well and close up it turned out on the map . If you haven 't tried Google Earth , you should download it and give it a shot . You can probably find your own house if you want . Enjoy . My favorite Uncle was considered a little crazy by the rest of the family . He was one of these people who were so intelligent , that sometimes you don 't know how to deal with them . He was a fighter pilot during WWII and I have a picture of him from back during then . He was a college grad who had his teaching credentials , and was one of my teachers for awhile in our little grammar school . When I was growing up he and my aunt , my father 's sister had been trying to have children . They didn 't have a child for a long time , and since there was an overabundance of kids in my house , they became my surrogate parents . I spent many hours with them once I got old enough to walk the mile and a half to their house . Both he and my Aunt never showed anything to me but kindness and love . My Uncle taught me how to drive . I was ten years old and he had an old Ford Falcon . It was a standard shift with four on the column . For those not old enough to know what four on the column is , just imagine you 're shifting gears with a stick coming our from the steering wheel column . It 's the classic H pattern . Pulling back and up is reverse , back and down is first , forward and up is second , and forward and down is third . We lived on the farm way back in the country , and we had a gravel road going in front of our house . It was perfectly straight and about 4 miles long . My uncles would patiently sit in the passenger side and put me through the motions of learning to shift the gears while learning that there was a clutch also . Up and down this gravel road we 'd go , with the car looking like it was coughing itself to death . The man had patience because I 'm not a fast learner . I finally mastered how to smoothly start off in first gear and then transition to second and third . By third gear I was Master of the Universe . Keeping the car on the road and dogging potholes , I felt like my world was opening up . I was going faster than a walk and it was under my control . It was mechanical and I didn 't have to put any effort into walking or peddlinposted by Family Man | 9 : 12 AM Let 's see what 's going on ? George has gotten extremely clingy lately . At first I thought it was from me being gone to the hospital for a couple of days , but then I got to thinking it 's from my great Nephew . He constantly wants to brush George , which is fine with me , but George doesn 't seem to like it . So at the moment George is off the bed and under my computer chair and he 's not moving . Now this isn 't fine with me because I 've already rolled over his tail once . Another thing about George . He has turned into a very picky eater . I 've tried everything with him . Wet dog food ; dry dog food and human food . I was starting to get worried about him that he had lost his appetite . But yesterday I made a big pot of stew and I gave George a little . He wolfed it down . So I gave him some more and then some more . His little belly looked to about to burst . So I 've come to the conclusion that George is way past spoiled . Not only will he not eat dog food , but also he 'll only eat certain things I cook . Did I mention he doesn 't like cold food . Not hot , but it has to be warm . Now I understand the old saying , " It 's a dogs life . " Labels : Pets They say everything comes in threes . First the washer broke , but I did get that fixed , then the drain clogged and it turned into a major repair , but the repairman got that fixed and now the stove . We have one of those glass top stoves . Well I just looked at it and it 's not a crack , but a break going all the way down one side of it . I 've never heard of one of them breaking , but I guess they could . I looked on the Internet to see of there was a replacement for it . There isn 't . The stove is too old for the department store that we bought it from to carry the part anymore . So then I went to the name of the company that made the glass itself . It printed on the glass top . I couldn 't find anything for a replacement for it anywhere . This has got to be the very last thing that goes wrong this year . I remember last year the AC went out and my ceiling flooded and I forgot the third thing that happened , but after the third thing , nothing more broke or happened . I 'm actually feeling good about the broken glass top . That 's my third thing and I 've got the rest of the year free and easy . Nothing to worry about because I got my three things out of the way . Nothing is going to break , nothing is going to happen and I 'm going to win the lottery . So there ! Labels : House Friday afternoon pond pictures . I 've been trying to get this stitch program to work right , but it seem if there are more than three pictures , it really screws it up . So I 'm at taking two pictures and sticthing them together . Wide PanoClick to enlarge . Tall PanoI wish I could get the height of this tree into the picture , but it 's almost impossible . Click to enlarge . Just a pictureClick to enlarge . Added : As usual I have to add something . I 've been working on a kitchen sink clog for the last two hours and it 's really pissing me off . I put in a load of clothes to wash and the sink in the kitchen starts to overflow . When they hooked up the washer and dish washer to the drain they got it backwards somehow and when a clog happens you 've got dirty clothes water going into the dishwasher and flooding out over the sink . I hate home repair ! I just hate it . I guess the reason being is because I 'm not good at it . Well at least the repairman will be here in the morning and he 'll unclog the same clog that he had to do before . As I said in another post - - ARGGGGGGG ! Labels : Pond It 's another normal day at the FM household . For us retirees it 's payday today , and I 've got to write out checks and see my entire monthly windfall dwindle down to nothing . I figure that 's a pretty usual occurrence everywhere . It 's sort of one of those high / low roller coaster rides every month . At the beginning of the month you feel so exhilarated because although the coffers aren 't full , you do have something in there and by the day after payday , then the exhilaration has come to an end and reality has set in again . It 's just another part of trying to get by in today 's life . I 'm starting to get a little tired of the lottery taking so long for me to win . Then again , I 'm getting tired of living in a state with no lottery . As I heard Jeff Foxworthy say one time , the redneck retirement plan was buying those lottery tickets . : ) Yesterday after I finally got back home , George went crazy on me for about two hours . I couldn 't sit down or go anywhere in the house without him jumping into my lap or following me everywhere I went and whining to be held . I know he missed me . I know I felt the sorriest for George out of everyone , because he just didn 't understand where I had gone . But , he is always the happiest to see me . I think for awhile anytime I get ready to jump in the car and run downtown now , he 'll become very anxious for a until he learns I won 't be gone that long . I was sort of surprised by George yesterday though . Whenever I have to leave him at the vet for a few day and I finally pick him up , when he see me out in the waiting room , it 's a never fails thing that he pees on the floor . I wasn 't thinking and when I sat down in the living room chair and he jumps in my lap , I immediately thought , uh oh , I forgot and I 'm going to get it , but he didn 't create one of his little messes on me . Thank goodness for that at least . Fmom was also very glad to see me . I think she see a difference in the way I take care of her , and how the other relatives do . In other words , I do a much better job posted by Family Man | 4 : 02 AM |
As might be expected , building a pool in Provence is right up there in stress and disappointment as we experienced in building our house . Iâ €™ ve met an American lady living in Aix who says she will never , never ( she said repeated this twice ) have anything built in Provence . She did need some work done in her house and had a man come out to look at what was needed and now she is waiting for the estimate of the work and has no plans to hear from him any time soon . If you have expectations and want something down right away you will end up with a stress ulcer and have periods of time when you think that your head is going to explode . I should add that even Maurice , being French and all , has the same reactions and canâ €™ t believe how hard it is to get something done here . My American friend thinks it is just different in Provence . According to her , people in Provence always put their families first in their lives . This is one reason why shops close for lunch with those long breaks because this is a family time for getting together over a meal . Friends come next and in France this means that these friends are ones you have had since childhood . They might have other acquaintances , different levels of friends , but never one they value more than the ones made first . Down near the bottom of the list is work and this certainly appears true to me . I often see shops closed for lunch around the various villages in Provence , as well as the rest of France , and think that if this were done in the States , everyone would stop shopping there ; Americans would take their business elsewhere . Customer service , as we in America think of it , will probably slowly make its way into France mainly because customers will start demanding it and , most probably , because the shops will discover that they make more money this way . I could be wrong but there are more and more shops in Paris doing this . Can it be far behind in the country ? Back to the swimming pool . Maurice picked out a local builder who , in fact , lives three houses down from us . He first talked with us in October and told us they could start sometime in January . January came and went with Maurice calling and leaving messages several times . Finally we were told they would start our pool at the beginning of February . They didnâ €™ t start digging until the end of the month . They decided that we needed two support poles under the end of the pool nearest where the land dropped off so two deep holes about ten feet deep were dug . Maurice and both the pool builder and landscaper all thought that the pool needed to be very near the end of the land so it would be in the sun more time . To me this wasnâ €™ t an important factor as once summer sets in and the temperatures start soaring , it isnâ €™ t that necessary to be in the sun . You arenâ €™ t going to get a serious chill sitting in a tepid swimming pool in the shade if it is in the 90â €™ s or more . I put up a little protest but let Maurice put the pool where he wanted . When they started digging it looked like the pool was going to be way too close to the house , like we could jump into it from our porch with very little effort but that didinâ €™ t turn out to be the case . The pool , because the land was so low in realtion to our house , was built as a cement square sitting above the ground at first . To get to it for a look we had to climb down from the porch or consider putting a plank across from our porch to the pool but never did . Eventually the landscaper came and filled in two porches with dirt right by our house which helped to get around out back . Progress on the pool was in fits and starts . Sometimes there were workers everyday doing something but we went most of April with not much of anything being done . We had been told , and had started hoping , that the pool would be finished by early May . This didnâ €™ t happen . We were planning a trip to the States at the end of May and Maurice didnâ €™ t want to leave without the pool being finished . He had learned to be around as much as possible when work was being done or something was done wrong . One day our neighbor across the street came roaring over as we came home from a trip to the grocery store because a huge truck bringing equipment had torn off a branch of one of their trees trying to turn off the very narrow road into the even narrower entry way to our house . Their house was the first one built on our street and the wall surrounding their land was built much too close to the road - we were required to have about 6 feet between a fence and the road - and some of the braches of their trees and bushes hung out into the road . I didnâ €™ t understand what the big deal was . It was an oak tree that grows all over the place and Iâ €™ m sure they didnâ €™ t plant it , and they couldnâ €™ t even see the damaged part of the tree from their house or land , they had to walk out onto the road to see it . I think they were mad that the truck driver didnâ €™ t come tell them and just threw the branch over the wall into their yard . They thought Maurice should have been there to supervise . I donâ €™ t know how this could have been done when we never knew when anyone was going to show up and I doubt that Maurice would have been out on the road to watch the truck in any case . Half the time we didnâ €™ t know anyone was at our house until we looked out a window and saw a truck pulling up near the pool . I learned not to open the shutters to the bedroom until I was fully dressed as I sometimes was surprised when a workman or two strolled past on their way to work . Our landscaper couldnâ €™ t do much of her work until they put the soil around the pool . Maurice had the name of the man who was supposed to do this and called him one day to see when he was coming as the swimming pool supervisor had told him the dirt mover man was due on a certain date . The digger knew nothing about it . The supervisor of the pool was doing the same thing the supervisor of our house did , telling us what we wanted to hear while , at the same time , collecting money . Maurice was able to get the digging guy to come out - he had his own earth moving machine - and finally fill in the area around the pool . It made such a difference and gave us an idea of what the yard would finally look like when we , some day in the distant future , got it finished . The landscaper put some nice gravel on one of the porches and planted lavender and rosemary on the hill below the pool . She said it was really a little too late to plant them as it would be a little too warm so we had to water them every day or so . I wasnâ €™ t in Provence at the time and Maurice bought the flat hoses that spray out thin misty little jets of water . I had hoped for the hoses I used to use , soaking hoses , as I think they do a better job while saving water . I think Maurice didnâ €™ t want to bother with burying them or pay the higher price so now we are commited to this type of watering system The hill where the new plants are is huge and it will be an enormous job . It turned out we only had to water these plants for the summer . By the next summer we were told no watering was required and they all seem to be thriving . Months later the walls went up on our house , and finally , the roof . Now the building could really start to pick up speed since the weather wouldnâ €™ t be a factor . I hadnâ €™ t seen any of the progress on the house since the foundation and was looking forward to seeing what it looked like . It turned out that it looked smaller that I thought it would be at first . And it was all cinder block - the stuco plaster finish would be one of the last things done . When I walked around the back of the house I noticed that there was a four foot drop off out of our back door and back porch . The house had been built up on a foundation due to heavy rains experienced in the area . There had to be , by law , an area under the house for water run off . Due to my lack of understanding of the technical French , I didnâ €™ t comprehend a lot of what was said to Maurice during many meetings that went on between him and our supervisor . I could pick up quite a bit if the conversation was about general things but once it entered the technical stage my comprehension plummeted to zero . I wasnâ €™ t expecting our back door to be floating almost at my eye level . I could see right away that we would have to have some extensive work done to make the back of our house accessible . We made a special trip with family to show them the house . It was locked up tighter than a drum . There were no workers there and Stephane wasnâ €™ t answering his cell phone . So we all got a good look at the outside . I asked Maurice if there was someway to get a key to the house so we could get in when no one was there . He told me that it wasnâ €™ t allowed - if we had the key then the building company couldnâ €™ t guarantee the work or items in the house . I couldnâ €™ t believe it . I found out that we wouldnâ €™ t get the key at all until the house was completely finished and we had what they called a reception and a walk through was done of the house . One visit we actually were able to get into the house . We were looking at the kitchen area talking about counters and cabinets when we realized that the kitchen counter would stick out about 6 inches or so into the doorway . The door had been placed over too far . At first we were told that it couldnâ €™ t be fixed but in the end they did move it over . Then we were called one day and asked if we had to have a sink in the little room holding the toilet . ( Most homes here have a separate room for the toilet with the bathtub and / or shower being in another room . ) Maurice told me what they asked . I thought for a minute and said , â € œYou know what ? Iâ €™ m not budging . I want the sink . What are they , a bunch of amateurs ? â € We would get the sink , or so I thought When the house was finished , it wasnâ €™ t there The work did go more quickly and it was looking like the house would be finished before September . We got our hopes up forgetting about August in France . It seems that almost everyone takes off for vacation for the whole of that month . Work starts to taper off in July and it is well into September before everything is back to normal again . It was then that Stephane started demanding 95 % of the money owed on the house when only 75 % or so was done . He was offended that we didnâ €™ t trust the company to finish everything as it was supposed to be done . The compressor for the air conditioner hadnâ €™ t been installed , nor had the plumbing fixtures . We were told that this was because there was a possibility they would be stolen . At this point Maurice and Stephane got into horrible arguments . I was afraid blows would be exchanged . The French often do this . You will hear two French people really arguing sounding extremely angry . Later , when you ask what the problem was , they are puzzled . Nothing was wrong , they were just having a discussion . This was a little different . I know Maurice was very angry and I was guessing Stephane was too . We were at the house about 3 weeks before our so called reception when I noticed there was no light fixtures and I realized that this was something we had never picked out . We had only selected the location of light fixtures . There were bare wires hanging from the ceilings where , at least , we could screw in light bulbs so we wouldnâ €™ t be sitting in the dark . I noticed that there wasnâ €™ t a light of any kind in the entry way . I asked Stephane where it was and was told there wasnâ €™ t one . He pointed to the electical outlet on the wall . This was where we would plug in our lamp . I blew up and said it was ridiculous . How can you have a dark entry way without any light ? Both he and Maurice looked at me like I was crazy and over reacting - this after their many arguments . I found other things to be missing : no heating vents into the â € œwater closetsâ € holding the toilets so in the winter the toilet seats will be freezing I assume they think that because you wonâ €™ t ( hopefully ) be in the room for very long that no heating or cooling are required There is a little window in these rooms which makes it even colder in the winter The bathrooms with the shower and bathtubs only had wall heaters as well They work effectively just taking a short time to warm up the room The laundry room didnâ €™ t have a vent , either , but I was to find that the dryer made it a very warm room The closets were empty of any shelves or poles to hang clothes on The cabinets under the sink werenâ €™ t really cabinets They were just door fronts , made of the cheapest wood possible , and the inside was empty with no shelves and old cement left on the floor from the tile installation There was also no kick board under the bathroom cabinent , just an empty space which Stephane informed me was so there was a place for your feet to go when you were at the sink There were no mirrors on the wall , medicine cabinets or drawers We went to a huge development near Aix - en - Provence where over fifty model homes had been built so prospective clients could see the finished products of many French home builders . We finally settled on a well known builder in Provence , thinking this would keep us safe from a possible bankruptcy , which seems to be par for the course with any building project I have ever been involved in . We liked the model we had seen - it seemed to be good quality and wasnâ €™ t at an excessive price . A few weeks later we met with an architect and he made changes to a standard plan that they already had . I had pictured a home with a wide long porch over - looking the great view we had . I pictured big wide sliding glass doors leading out to the porch making the porch a part of the living room . I found out that this wasnâ €™ t a possibility in the Luberon , the section of Provence where we would be living . Our house had to look like the typical bastide there with small shuttered windows , stucco exterior and tile roof ( and no rain gutters ) . We were able to have some sliding glass doors but we learned that the heat can be so oppressive and the mistral winds so strong that small windows with shutters are a way of life here , a proven way to deal with mother nature . We would be able to have a small porch and Maurice and I decided we could extend it after the house was built with a patio . I even thought of screening in the porch but was told that the mistral would blow the screen right out . I wanted to spend time on the porch eating meals and enjoying the view but knew that something would have to be done for fly protection . Of course , this being France , no screens would be provided for any windows . They hadnâ €™ t had them for centuries , why start now ? There is a small company starting to make screens for windows and doors and I think once people here find out how great it is not to have flies and mosquitoes invade their homes , that the business will take off . We made a special trip to Provence to meet with the man who would be our building supervisor , Stephane . In one day we had to decide where we wanted every electrical plug , light fixture , placement of windows , bath tub , and much more . Then , at the end of this exhausting day , we had to pick out our bathroom tiles , floor tiles and exterior color . This was when I found out that the kitchen counters and cabinets were not included . I think this is fairly standard in France because when we moved into our apartment in Paris , the owner had us buy the kitchen cabinets and appliances separately . If we hadnâ €™ t , she would have taken them with her . We were to find out that a lot of other things wouldnâ €™ t be included in the price of our house , but this wouldnâ €™ t happen until months later . Finally the time came for the ground to be broken . Again , we made a special trip down to Provence and drove out to our land . Indeed , there was a hole dug in the shape of the house but as we stood there looking at it Maurice said , â € œ Do you remember the house being this close to the road ? â € He was right There was a ten foot difference between what we saw on our house plan and what , I guess , the man doing the digging had on his plan This did not inspire confidence in our builder The very first thing they do , and it is wrong I was a little worried A few days later a team came out and remeasured everything and we were told that it would be redug in the correct place With the problems we were seeing in just the beginning stages of building our house , Maurice thought maybe he should rent a room at a gite so he could be on site as work was being done . This might have been a really good idea if the area hadnâ €™ t had the wettest autumn in years . It poured everyday and they were unable to to start building the foundation . Of course , if the digging had been started in the correct place , the foundation would have been done well before the rain had started . Before we ever started buiding , I had told my optimistic husband that building a house had never been a fun experience for me . People who tell you that their building experience was wonderful are the same as those married couples who tell you that they have never had an argument . And the fun was just starting . So I married a Frenchman and I 'm living in Paris . OK , so he 's not a prince and we don 't live in a castle , but we do live in a country covered with them . Everything is sunshine and roses , right ? Wrong . Life can 't be perfect anywhere and as much as I love France I have found a few dark clouds here . When I married a Frenchman I never dreamed I would have to worry about the laws of France . Someone told me that I should have checked all of this out before buying any property in France . They were right , but I didnâ €™ t . I just thought it would all mostly be like buying property in the States . Napoleon dreamt up a set of laws that are now known as the Napoleonic Code . I vaguely remember reading about Napoleon and how he unified France and took thousands of different laws and made one big group of laws for the whole country to be run by . This sounds good on the surface until you , as a naive American , find out what happens when you purchase property in France . Basically , here 's what takes place : the interests of the children , parents , siblings and cousins all come before a spouse , if the other spouse should happen to die . And if you should happen to be the second wife , forget it - you are really out of luck . We made an appointment to talk with a French lawyer to see if there was any way to " get around " these laws , as we weren 't experts in the French legal system . Maybe there was something we could do so I felt better about the possibility of living in my house at the end of my years knowing it would go to Maurice 's children when I went to that Vineyard in the Sky , so to speak . I don 't mind if they get the house . I mind that I can 't decide who will get my house nor sell anything in it without their sharing in the profit . We were led to a hot , oven - like room where I spent the whole time dying to open a window for a little relief . Our lawyer turned out to be a woman . She was young and slim wearing a rather boring black business suit without the usual scarf thrown on to make it stylish . She wore no make - up but had beautiful black eyes and as she sat there talking in French that sent me into a comatose state - the French and the heat of the room were narcotic like to me - I began to think she looked like the star of Amelie , a French movie we had recently seen about a young woman whose life is spent helping others find happiness . The resemblance to Amelie ended with just the looks , however . As Maurice started translating some of the points she was making I could see that she wasn 't going to be helping me find any happiness . As I sat in front of " Amelie " and Maurice told me what she was saying it became clear that the house we were building together , financed in part with my money , would never be completely mine . Smiling benevolently , she informed me that although the house wouldn 't be completely mine if Maurice should happen to die that I would be entitled to 50 per cent and a small portion of the other 50 per cent . His children , there are two , get the rest . We are also talking about the contents of the house . This means that if Maurice , God forbid , should die before me that I wouldn 't be free to sell the house , or any of the contents of the house , without sharing the money with Maurice 's relatives . My children would also be entitled to the same percentage of Maurice 's half , but they are in America and would probably not even try to get their share . I 'm sure this is not the case with any French relatives . I blew up and said to the woman lawyer , " Does France hate women ? " She just looked mildly surprised and said , " It protects the children and the family . " I said , " But this is so anti - woman ! " She didn 't agree . I think people in France have come to look at this code as their right . They don 't want to change it , as they might not get that house that belongs to poor Aunt Yvette or whoever . It was pointed out to me that if Maurice should die , I will have the right to live in my house as long as I wanted . Well , wow , that makes me feel better . We gripe a lot about things in America , but at least we have the option of leaving our property to our favorite charity , or our dog , if we choose to . Ah , democracy . It may have started in France , but I think America did a better job with it . So , we had found our property . Now we had to find an architect , which involved looking at more houses to find a house we liked . We settled on a larger , more established company hoping that this would protect us from the builderâ €™ s going bankrupt . This had happened to me twice ( years before in the States ) , and I was surprised when it happened to us in Paris when the little company renovating our place went bankrupt , too . The plans , when we finally got them , were then submitted to the mayor of our little village and had to be approved by the Luberon Park officials as well as city officials in Pertuis , the largest town in the area . I expected the whole thing to fall through at any minute , knowing the way French officials work , but it didn 't . Of course there were delays and roadblocks - this is France , after all . But we finally got our house plans approved . We were committed . Right after we had put a deposit down on our property we went into our village and met the Mayor . He turned out to be a friendly guy , and I think that Mauriceâ €™ s talking to him helped us get our plan approved , but the Mayor had something he wanted done before he approved anything . There was already an established road and sewer line running along side the property . He wanted the sewer line changed and moved across our property , coming out on the other side . We found out later that the property the sewer line came out on happened to be his ! He wasn 't able to get the line changed , but it was an eye - opener for me . I think the mayor had a little jealousy thing going with the property owners , too . He owned a piece of land below us , planted with olive trees , and told us that every year he took his olives down to the local olive oil commune and had them made into over 300 liters of olive oil . I saw a photo in his office of the village covered in what looked like 3 feet of snow and I asked when the photo was taken . He said that it had been taken 2 years earlier when they 'd had a very unusual snowstorm . I had been in Provence the winter before and it was very cold , with a hard frost on the ground every morning . But , snow ! What was it going to be like in the winter in Provence when the warm days went away , along with a lot of the people , tourists and locals alike , leaving us alone ? I still had my doubts about living here . One day we came back to our property just to look at it after it had recently been cleared . I was surprised at how large it was . It had looked smaller with all of the bushes and trees on it . Flies buzzed everywhere , another worry I had . I hate flies . I could see that we would have to have screens on our windows . I heard a donkey bray a little way down the road , possibly the source of the flies , but a rooster crowed from up above our property and I guess flies liked them , too . A hound dog barked the whole time we were walking around . Hmm . Could I really do it , this life in the country ? We went down to another small village for lunch , Peypin d ' Aigues . I saw the word Aigues a lot around this area and it turned out to be Provenà § al for water . After a nice lunch under some trees we walked around to see what was there . We came upon a man renovating a house that happened to be owned by an American citizen who was Irish , named Finn , and his wife , who was from New Zealand . He was very friendly and told us all about the area and the fact that there were many English - speaking people around as well as a club in Aix for Americans and English . Somehow this helped me feel better about living in the area . Few French people I had spoken to spoke English , and I knew I was going to have to dedicate myself to learning French better than the very shallow way I knew it now . But knowing I could find someone to speak with in English helped my attitude and helped me to feel less isolated . I have to admit that I still have some negative feelings about leaving Paris , but I 'm feeling more positive as I think about the possibilities . I do love gardening and I think having olive trees will be interesting . I 'm even thinking of having a beehive , such as the ones I 've seen around the countryside , and harvesting my own honey . Maybe I can learn to bake our bread . If I looked at it from the right light , I realized that this could be the adventure I never dreamed I 'd have . Chapter 1 A House In Provence When I first met my husband , Maurice , he told me he had always dreamed of living in Provence . He is originally from Nice and even has some gypsy blood flowing through his veins , so I thought it was a genetic thingâ € " he had to have the sun shining on him to be happy . Once he retired , he brought up Provence again and wanted to start checking out property there . I was perfectly happy in Paris and while I thought Provence was beautiful , I wasn 't sure how long I could be content looking at a vineyard . It was Maurice 's dream , not mine . Well , marriage is made of compromises and I could tell it really meant a lot to Maurice , and so I decided , " Why not ? " with a promise from Maurice that if I really hated living in Provence we could always sell and come back to Paris full - time . We wouldn 't sell our little place in Paris . I would be back here for short trips when I felt the need for the stimulation of a city . A friend said to me , " You have doubts about living in Provence ? Do you know how many people would kill to be in your shoes ? " I just know , having reached my ripe old age , that dreams and fantasies don 't always turn out to be what you thought they would be . But I was willing to give it a try . We were given the name of an American man who sold real estate . He lived in Menerbes , the village made famous by Peter Mayle . I contacted him about helping us find a place to buy in Provence . He wrote back wanting to know our price range and when he found out ( I 'm sure he was laughing ) , he told us he couldn 't help us and that we would never find anything near Aix - en - Provence at that price , not even a fixer - upper . We would have to spend at least twice as much to find something small and ordinary at best . I could tell he didn 't want to waste his time with us , not with the commission he would get if we happened to find a place . Luckily , we have French friends who moved from Paris to Provence . Although I had been a little discouraged about finding an affordable place after the Menerbes man , they gave us hope . They had a beautiful home and the price they had paid wasn 't far from what we could afford . We set out on a short tour with them and they took us to various little towns to have a look at the area . They lived outside a little village called Villelaure and we saw Lourmarin , Cucuron , Bonnieux , Ansouis and a few more . This whole area is covered with vineyards and rolling hills . Some of its villages are perched on top of a mountain . I rather liked the idea of actually living inside one of the villages behind a high wall with a little yard and a house that would be within walking distance of all of the shops and markets . Maurice didn 't . He wanted some land and a swimming pool , so it was time to find a real estate person again . We made a couple of trips to Provence and looked around with various real estate agents . We found a lot of homes for sale in our price range , but I didn 't like any of them . Some were nice homes , but extremely isolated . Some were in a great location but the actual buildings were old and dark and would cost too much to renovate . A few looked as if various pieces had been added on by the owner in a do - it - yourself manner . One house had a device where wood had to be burned to heat the water . That was a little too country for me . We saw a brand new house in a crowded neighborhood that would have sold for half the price in the States . It was getting depressing because almost every house we saw was up for sale because of a divorce . It broke my heart to see the childrenâ €™ s rooms . I was starting to think Mr . Menerbes was right . We weren 't going to find a place in our price range . On the last day we were in a little village called Tour d ' Aigues and hadn 't liked the house the real estate man had just shown us , when he said , " How about looking at some property ? " We thought we might as well look . Maybe building what we wanted would be the best thing , if the property wasn 't too expensive . It turned out to be next to a tiny village of 250 people in a rather isolated area located in the Luberon National Park . It was covered with dense brush , a few oak trees , bushes called Mimosa that are covered in yellow flowers in the spring and some wild olive trees . When we walked , we could smell wild thyme getting crushed under our feet , an incredible odor . Some people were walking in the area , as well , looking for wild asparagus . Maurice 's eyes lit up . This was more like it . We came back the next day and walked around and then went up to the little village . It had a tiny church with Mary standing on top and a city fountain next to it , the type with a little head with water coming out of the mouth . There was a charming narrow street lined with houses bearing shutters and doors in bright Provenà § al colors . But that was it . There was not one restaurant or shop and that bothered me as I had to discard the dream of a short walk to a boulangerie to get a baguette . The nearest boulangerie was 4 kilometers away . Not too far , but not an easy walk either . It was Maurice 's dream and he really wanted this property , so we bought it . It turned out that the property had been the inheritance of four family members , all aristocrats , who came from the nearby castle . They had divided it into four pieces and put it up for sale . Land is hard to find in Provence these days and we were lucky to find it before it sold . We met with two members of the family , a man with fluffy white hair and a pointed nose and his sister dressed in what looked like a Chanel suit with high heels , stockings and pearls . I was in jeans , a T - shirt and tennis shoes . A Notaire , who does all of the paper work and legal things needed to buy property in France , was in our meeting . The Notaire had brought his darling dog Pistache with him . I was surprised that the Notaire did all of the paperwork by hand , laboriously filling out the location of the property , the owners ' information , our information , etc . It took well over an hour . It was all done in French , of course , so I sat there totally clueless and made friends with Pistache . We signed the papers with the understanding that none of it would be legal and that the whole thing would be canceled if we didn 't get the permission needed to build our house . Posts navigation |
Mike gets hurt after he wins big in a poker game . Sonny finds him and brings him to the Penthouse . Both father and son start to open their hearts to each other and vow to heal some old wounds . ( Sonny & Mike only ) . Mike shivered with cold as he woke up in an alley behind Courtland Street . It was dark and snowing . His body ached and he felt confused and disoriented . He struggled to sit up , but winced out in pain . He wasn 't sure what happened . He knew he was at a poker game . He had hit a couple of jackpots right away and he was feeling really lucky . The game had lasted for two days and Mike was on a winning streak . But , his lack of sleep had finally caught up with him and he cashed out . That 's the last thing he remembered . He reached his hand in his pockets and was disappointed to find they were empty . His wallet was missing too . He looked around the alley , wanting to call out for help , but there was nobody around . He suddenly felt tired and he closed his eyes and went to sleep . Sonny looked out the Penthouse window and watched the snowfall . There was a big storm coming in and the city was already starting to shut down . He was starting to get a little worried about Mike . He hadn 't seen him in weeks and he had just gotten a strange phone call . The person wouldn 't give his name , but thought Sonny ought to know that his father was in a high stakes poker game in the back room of the River Rat with some very serious players . Sonny dismissed the call , not giving a damn about Mike 's latest gambling escapade . But then he decided to make a few phone calls of his own and make sure Mike wasn 't in over his head . Sonny finally decided to go down to Courtland Street and look for Mike . It was late now , almost midnight , and the snow had already blanketed the ground . He wasn 't even sure where to look . The bartender told him Mike had left the game hours ago . He could be anywhere . Sonny thought is was highly likely Mike found another card game , or dice , or another place where he could gamble away his winnings . Mike had never been able to keep money in his hands for very long . If Sonny knew anything , he knew that much about his father . The storm was getting worse and Sonny buttoned up his coat and wrapped his scarf around his neck . He knew Mike rented a room in some seedy motel around the area , but he wasn 't sure where . He had never been there . He had tried all of the bars , but Mike hadn 't been in any of them . He was just about to give up , when he came upon a slumped figure lying in the alley . He stopped in his tracks . It was dark , but a streetlamp gave some light , and he could tell by the jacket that the person was Mike . Sonny kneeled down and gently shook him . " Mike ! Mike , wake up ! " Sonny could tell someone had worked Mike over really well . He felt disgusted and angry that Mike would even get himself in this situation . But he also knew Mike was hurt and he wanted to help him . " What happened ? " Sonny knew that Mike 's winnings were gone . His clothes were ripped . His face was bloodied . He had been beaten . He was obviously followed out of the bar and attacked . Easy prey , Sonny thought . He wished his father never cared about money . He wanted him to know that he could give him all of the money he would ever need . But , it would never be enough for Mike . " I need to get you inside . Can you walk to your place ? " " Do you want to go to the hospital ? " asked Sonny with concern . Mike looked away from Sonny . " I 've been evicted , " he said with shame . " I don 't have anyplace to go . " Sonny looked at Mike with disbelief . " Where have you been staying ? " " Stop ! " yelled Sonny , as he shook Mike by the shoulders . " Your money 's gone , Mike ! You were jumped after you left the game . " " Did you see who did this to you ? " asked Sonny , wanting to find the people that did this to his father . " Do you remember anything ? " Mike closed his eyes . It was finally sinking in that he had lost his money . He didn 't want to believe it . It was the best game he had played in years . He was going to do so many things with that money . He wanted to prove to Sonny that he wasn 't just a bum . He buried his face in his hands . " No . . . I don 't know . . . I 'm not sure , " he cried , feeling confused and in pain . " It 's so . . . cold , " he shivered . Sonny looked at Mike with worry . He needed to get him inside and get him warm . They could talk later . He helped him stand up . " Come on , Mike . I 'm taking you home . " A few hours later , Sonny was again staring out his Penthouse window and watching the snowfall . The snowstorm had gotten worse . The wind was howling and they would probably lose the power soon . But at least he could rest a little easier knowing that Mike was safe . He would never tell his father how much he really worried about him . Sonny wondered what would have happened if he hadn 't gone out and looked for Mike . He had been beaten up pretty soundly . Mike had strongly resisted going to the hospital , so Sonny had one of his own doctors make a house call . Mike had been lucky . He had gotten mostly cuts and bruises and would be sore for a while . The doctor wanted Sonny to keep an eye on him for the next twenty - four hours due to the bump on his head . After having Mike drink some hot soup to get warm , Sonny sat with him until he had fallen asleep . He kept checking on him , just to make sure he was okay , and a couple of times he had stood in the doorway and watched him sleep . Sonny was in the living room , adding a log to the fire , when the storm finally knocked the power out . He lit some candles and then poured himself a drink . Even though it was the middle of the night , he wasn 't tired . He sat on the couch in front of the fire and sipped his drink . He was full of anger and confusion . Mike scared the hell out of him tonight . He could have died in that alley . He briefly thought of Deke and how he had met his fate in a dark alley so long ago . Sonny didn 't want the same thing for his father . He didn 't understand why Mike would do that to himself . He would never understand it . Mike walked into the living room . He had awoken to the sounds of the storm and was full of thirst . He was cautiously making his way to the kitchen in the darkness when he saw Sonny sitting in the living room . " It 's really bad out there , " he said . Sonny had him to sit down on the couch . He came back with a glass of cold water and handed it to Mike . " The doctor wants you to get some sleep . " Mike drank the water with thirst . Everything seemed a little hazy to him . " The fire feels good , " he said , as he looked around . " I guess the power 's out . " He could tell from Sonny 's silence that he was angry . He looked at his son and saw the firelight dance in his eyes . " Don 't be mad , Michael . " " You should be in bed , " said Sonny , as he walked over to the fire . He took a heavy sigh . He threw on a log and stoked the fire as it roared to life . His back was to Mike . He could feel his father stare at him and he suddenly felt like a little kid . It was the feeling he hated the most . " I want to apologize . . . " Mike touched his swollen lip . He had been beaten pretty badly tonight . But , he really didn 't care about that . He was devastated that he had lost his money . He had won really big and in an instant it was all gone . He had wanted to rent a new place before Sonny found out he had been homeless for weeks . He didn 't want him to know . " It could have been different tonight . " " You could have died in this storm , Mike . Did you ever think of that ? " asked Sonny , his voice laced with anger . " What if I didn 't find you ? " Mike put his head down . " Because I didn 't want you to know , " he said with shame . " Please don 't lecture me , Michael . I already know that I messed up . I just didn 't want to hear it from you . " " You could have asked me for the money , " Sonny said with exasperation . " You know I would have taken care of it . " Mike looked away from Sonny , full of shame . He hated how he always made Sonny feel such fury . He had been trying for years to get close to his son . But at every turn , he always seemed to lose what little trust he would gain with him . " I don 't hurt you on purpose , " he whispered . " I want things different between us . " Sonny shook his head . " How Mike ? You pull the same thing over and over . I ' M TIRED OF IT ! " he yelled . He turned around and threw yet another log into the fireplace . The fire crackled with life as it lit up the entire room . Mike felt the heat of the fire and it was like it was an extension of Sonny 's wrath . He listened as Sonny continued with his angry outburst . He had heard it all before . He wondered if Sonny remembered the many arguments he had with his mother , Adela . They had fought about the same thing . Mike was a disappointment to everyone . It was one of the reason 's he had left those many years ago . He was a failure . Sonny walked over and poured himself a drink . He needed to calm down . He tried not to get so upset with Mike , but he couldn 't help himself . He took a sip of his scotch and glanced towards his father . Mike was slumped on the couch , looking defeated . His face was swollen from the beating . He was wearing Sonny 's robe that didn 't quite fit him . Sonny took a heavy sigh . He poured a drink for Mike , went over to the couch , and handed the glass to his father . " This will help you sleep . " Mike took a few sips of the scotch , not looking in Sonny 's direction . The warmth of the drink felt good and he closed his eyes for a brief moment . " I don 't know how to change , " he said , his voice full of despair . " Do you think I like myself like this ? I can 't help it . I have a sickness , Michael . I have an addiction that started when I was twelve years old . " " You 're right . I don 't understand , " Sonny answered with weariness . " I could give you all of the money you ever dreamed of , " he whispered , his voice full of emotion . " You don 't have to place another bet for the rest of your life . I can get you out of this life , Mike . " Mike moved closer to Sonny . " I can never get out . Don 't you see that ? " he said with acceptance . " That 's what you need to understand , Michael . I can 't stop . I have to have that next bet . It 's in my blood . " Sonny turned , looking at his father . " You don 't want to change . You 'd rather place a bet than take care of your family , " he said simply . " You hurt her , " Sonny whispered , in a barely audible voice . " You chose your damn poker games over her . You lied to her over and over . She didn 't deserve that . " He wiped away his tears , remembering all the years that his mother suffered . How he wanted to make life better for her , but didn 't know how . Mike hated hearing the pain in Sonny 's voice . He knew he could never take back all of the suffering he had caused his family . " I came back here to make it all up to you , " he explained . " I 've been trying for so long , but you won 't let me in . " Mike 's head was starting to throb and he took a slow sip of his drink . He didn 't know how to talk to his son , he never did . But he wanted him to know they weren 't so different . He awkwardly reached out , putting his hand on Sonny 's arm . " Michael . . . " " What ? " Sonny said distantly . Mike leaned in , almost whispering to Sonny . " I understand your hate , Michael . My father was a gambler , just like me . He never had a job . He was never around . He died when I was young . " Mike paused for a moment , then continued . " I don 't miss him . . . because I never really knew him . I hated him , " he said with anger . " I promised myself I would never be like him . But , I 'm worse than him . I 'm worse ! " He put his head in his hands , softly crying . " I hated my father like you hate me . " Sonny , taken aback by Mike 's emotion , reached over and comforted his father . He put his hand on Mike 's shoulder . " I don 't hate you . You 're wrong about that . " " It 's not that way at all , " corrected Sonny , tears welling in his eyes . " You never listen to what I 'm saying . You don 't know how I feel . " Sonny let out an audible sigh . " Nothing . " " Tell me , " insisted Mike . Sonny set his glass down on the coffee table . " I always have to look out for you , " he said . " I have to pick up the pieces when you make mistakes . I have to protect you . It should be the other way around . " " I try and look out for you . . . " " I 'm not talking about now , " Sonny interrupted with frustration . Mike looked at Sonny with confusion . " I love you , Michael . I 've always loved you . You need to believe that . I know I was never around to tell you that , " he said tearfully . " But , I 'm here now . We can make this work . I 'm trying so hard , but you push me away . " Sonny wiped away his tears . He looked towards the floor and talked in a distant voice . " I needed you for so long , Mike . I needed to be protected . . . I needed someone to look after me . . . and you never helped me . " " I 'm so sorry about that , " responded Mike . " I would do anything to change what happened to you . You don 't know how terrible I feel about it . I hate what Deke did to you and Adela . I 'll never forgive myself . " Sonny closed his eyes . Did his father really think about that ? Did he know how it ate away at Sonny every single day of his life ? How it haunted his dreams ? How he would do anything in his power to never feel helpless again . Mike immediately regretted mentioning Deke 's name , as he could see Sonny start to shut down . " I can never fix all of the damage that I 've done to you , " he whispered with sadness . " You might not believe this , but I ached for you all of those years . I 'll never forgive myself for not going back and , " he choked back some tears , " seeing you grow up . " " Michael . . . don 't shut me out , " Mike whispered gently . " We need to figure this out . Tell me what you want me to do . " " I don 't know , " Sonny answered honestly . " I can 't stop feeling like this . I don 't know how . . . to forgive . " Sonny turned towards Mike and studied his father . The darkness of the room almost hid his face , but Sonny could hear the sincerity in his voice . In silence , he gently laid his head down on Mike 's shoulder . He wasn 't sure why . It was just something he felt like doing . He knew Mike was trying to reach out to him . " Why didn 't you take care of me ? " Mike wrapped his arms around Sonny and held him for a while . He had tried to take care of Sonny ever since he came to Port Charles , but his son would have none of it . " It 's not too late , " he whispered . " But , sometimes I don 't know how to help you . I want to be there for you , Michael . I want the chance to be your father again . " Mike looked at him with surprise . " Does it mean anything to you that I stayed this long ? " Sonny nodded his head . " Of course it does . But , sometimes I get this feeling that you 'll decide to move on and not tell me , " he admitted . Mike could understand Sonny 's fear . He had broken so many promises to him . " I 'm done running away , " he said with assurance . " I know where I 'm supposed to be now . It 's taken me a long time to figure it out , but I want to be here with you . You 're my only family , Michael . You 're all I 've got . " Sonny looked down towards the floor . It felt good to hear Mike say those words to him . They meant more than he could ever know . He wanted to start trusting his father . He had to give him a chance . He was about to say something when Mike shakily stood up from the couch . " What 's the matter ? " " I think . . . I better go back to bed , " Mike mumbled . Sonny walked Mike back to the bedroom and helped him get into bed . The power had gone back on and he turned on the lamp . " We can talk another time , Mike . You don 't look very good . " Mike felt exhausted , but he didn 't want to end the conversation he was having with Sonny . His body ached and he couldn 't keep his eyes opened . " Talk to me , Michael , " he pleaded . " Don 't stop . . . " Sonny smiled weakly . " I don 't need to be taken care of anymore . I 'm not a little kid that can 't protect himself . " He looked at Mike and he had already drifted off to sleep . " I was talking about a long time ago , " he whispered to himself . Mike woke up and looked around the bedroom . It took a few moments to remember he was at Sonny 's place . He wasn 't sure how long he had been here . He slowly sat up on the bed . His head still hurt and he felt sore . He noticed some clean clothes on the end of the bed . He picked them up and went and took a shower . Mike walked into the living room . Sonny was on the phone , obviously talking business with someone . He walked over towards the balcony and looked out . It was bright and he shaded his eyes , waiting for them to adjust to the light . The storm had ended . Sonny had already made some calls to take care of whoever did this to Mike . He knew he had to send a message out that no one could touch his father . He hung up the phone and went out on the balcony . Mike shook his head . " No . " " Okay , " said Sonny , knowing he would find who did this whether Mike told him or not . Someone would talk . " Whatever you want Mike , " agreed Sonny , although he knew he wouldn 't be able to heed his wishes . " I have some lunch ready , " he said , changing the subject . " You need to eat . " Mike gingerly stood up from his chair and followed Sonny to the table . He quietly ate the soup that Sonny had made . " Aren 't you having any ? " he asked . " No , " said Sonny . " I made it for you . It has lots of nutrients in it . It will help with your headaches . " Mike wondered how often Sonny had done this for Adela . He knew he had taken care of her when he was just a little boy . Sonny had told him how he cooked for her . " I won 't stay long , " he said , not wanting to overstay his welcome . Sonny had actually given this some thought . He knew Mike had no money and no place to go . There was another storm due in by the end of the week and he knew he couldn 't be out on the streets . Besides , Mike looked so frail he could fall over . It would take him a while to recover from this . " You can stay here if you want , " he offered . It didn 't take long for Mike to decide . The last few days were hazy , but he remembered their long talk the other night . He didn 't want to give up the chance to change things with his son . " I 'd really like that , " he answered softly . " Thank you . " Sonny turned off the water and looked towards his father . " Listen , Mike . Just because I 'm letting you stay here , doesn 't mean we have to do this all of the time . " Sonny folded his arms over his chest . " I 'm not sure what you want from me , Mike . I 'm really trying here . I 've been taking care of you for the last three days . " " That 's what I 'm talking about , " explained Mike . " I want to change that . From now on I 'm going to stay clean . No more gambling . No more trouble . . . " Mike always seemed to make Sonny so upset . He was never sure exactly what he was saying to make him so mad . He thought Sonny would be thrilled about his announcement . Mike swept up the broken dish pieces from the floor and threw them away . He wanted to go after Sonny , but decided to give him a little space . Later in the afternoon , Sonny finally came back to the Penthouse . He had an armful of groceries and went directly to the kitchen without saying a word . Mike waited for a little while , then poured two drinks and headed into the kitchen . Mike set Sonny 's drink on the counter . " I thought you 'd like an afternoon cocktail , " he said , trying to break the tension of the room . He was still feeling a little shaky and he leaned against the counter . " You 've been gone all afternoon . I was getting worried . " " Please , " said Mike . " I 'll try not to upset you . " " Look Mike . I 'm making dinner right now . Can you at least wait until I finish the meatloaf ? " " Of course , " said Mike . " Do you need any help ? " Sonny turned around and looked at Mike . He thought he looked terrible . " I think you 'd better sit down and relax . You shouldn 't be exerting yourself anyway . " " Okay , " agreed Mike . " If that 's what you want . " He started walking out of the kitchen , feeling slightly dizzy . He suddenly felt Sonny 's arm around him . Mike didn 't have to wait long for dinner . Sonny had fixed meatloaf and potatoes and it was just what Mike needed . He was starting to feel better already . " This is as good as your mother 's , " he smiled . " Did you know she made the best meatloaf I ever tasted ? " " Yeah , " smiled Sonny . " This is her recipe . " " I could never make it exactly the way she did , " said Mike . " Something was always missing . Can you tell me her secret ? " Sonny shrugged his shoulders . " I guess I can do that , " he teased . Mike wondered why they couldn 't have civil conversations like this more often . He put his fork down . " Listen , Sonny . I guess I need to be honest with you . I know who did this to me . It was Reggie 's guys , you know , he runs a lot of the games at the River Rat . I won a few good hands and I guess they didn 't like that . " Sonny saw the expression on Mike 's face . " I can 't have my own father attacked and not have people answer for it . It just can 't be allowed , " he said coldly . Mike nodded his head with understanding . He knew what Sonny had to do . That 's why he had been reluctant to tell him anything about that night . " I 've been thinking and . . . maybe it 's not such a good idea to stay here with you . " " Why not ? " asked Sonny . " I make you too angry , " explained Mike . " Everything I say seems to upset you . I 'll just get a room somewhere . That 's probably for the best . " " Besides , you shouldn 't be staying in some drafty motel room , " said Sonny . " You have to start taking care of yourself . The doctor said it would take a few weeks to recover from that concussion . " Mike nodded his head in agreement , not sure how to respond to Sonny 's thoughtfulness . The truth was that he had liked staying with Sonny the last few days . " Why did you break that dish this morning ? " Sonny shrugged his shoulders . " I don 't know . " " Is it because of what I said ? " asked Mike . " I thought you 'd be happy if I quit gambling . " " No , Mike , " said Sonny . " I was mad because you told me something I wanted to hear , not something you 're really going to do , " he explained . " I don 't like that . It 's like you 're playing with my head . " " But , you told me you couldn 't stop gambling ! " Sonny said with intensity . " So don 't tell me you 're going to stop if you 're not . " Mike took a sip of his coffee . It seemed so simple . Why didn 't he see it this morning ? Sonny didn 't want any empty promises . That 's all Mike was good at . He studied his son from across the table and he knew he had to change . He had to start being honest . " I shouldn 't have promised that , " he admitted . " Do you know what I really want ? " asked Sonny . Sonny was talking in a voice that seemed small and Mike could actually imagine him as a little boy again , full of seriousness even at a small age , but at the same time aged beyond his years . He wasn 't exactly sure how to respond . But , he didn 't have to , as Sonny started talking again . " I want you in my life , " Sonny whispered softly . " I always did . " He wiped away the tears that started to well in his eyes . " I don 't hate you , it 's not really about that . " He struggled for the words . " I just can 't get past . . . those things that happened to me . No one understands what he did to me . " Sonny didn 't answer . He simply stared at his plate of half eaten meatloaf . He couldn 't look at his father when he talked about this . He was ashamed . " You can talk to me , Michael . I want to know about it . I need to know . " " No . No , you don 't . " Sonny took a heavy sigh . He needed to get this off of his chest . He focused on the table as he spoke . " No one understands how he made me see things . . . how he pushed me into that darkness . . . how much he hurt me . I never let him know it , but I think maybe . . . maybe he really did break me down . " " But , you 're okay now , " said Mike . " So , you have a little temper , " said Mike . Sonny knew that Mike wouldn 't understand what he was trying to say . He pounded his fist on the table . " Don 't you understand ? I do bad things . You know I do things worst than that ! I saw the fear in your eyes when I told you I took care of who did this to you . Deke told me . . . " Sonny stopped talking and looked away from his father . He was visibly shaking from emotion . " You need to forget what Deke told you , " said Mike . " He was wrong about you . " " I can 't . . . I can 't get him out of my head . I can 't forget what he did to me . He 's still in my dreams . . . the scars will never go away . . . and I still go into that darkness . " " I 'm sorry , Michael , " Mike whispered with sadness , finally realizing the hold Sonny 's stepfather still had over him . " I wish I could help you forget everything he did to you . " Sonny looked up at Mike for the first time . " I don 't hate you , Mike . You 've never hit me . You 've never hurt me like he did . I hate what he did to me , " he said with anger . " When I break something or yell I feel just like him . . . like he 's inside of me and controlling everything I do . " Sonny rubbed his eyes with weariness . He knew Mike could never understand his fear of being just like his cruel and violent stepfather . " Sometimes I go to church and pray . But I know I can 't take back all of the things that I 've done . And sometimes . . . I pray that I can be a better son to you . I don 't want you to be ashamed of me . . . of the things that I do . " " I 've never been ashamed of you , " said Mike . Sonny nodded his head . " That 's good , " he said in relief . " But , I don 't think I make a very good son . So , I 'm not sure why you want to be around me . I hate the way I treat you . I don 't know why I do it . " " But , it 's not right ! " said Sonny with intensity . " I think you 're being way too hard on yourself , " said Mike . " I can 't pretend to know what it was like living with Deke . I can 't image what you went through . But I know one thing . You 're not like him . " " Do you know what I remember most about the other night ? " asked Mike . " I was laying in that alley and I thought I was really finished . Nobody was around and I was hurt and cold . When I opened my eyes you were there , Michael . You were like a gift . I was so glad to see you because I knew . . . I knew everything would be okay . You take care of things . You make sure everything is okay . You 've been doing it your whole life and it 's not such a bad thing . Look at what you did for your mother . You protected her . " " No . But , I know you , " explained Mike . " You think you 're like Deke , but you 're nothing like him . I 've seen how you are with the people you love , Michael . You protect them . You don 't hurt them . You 're the exact opposite of what he was . " Sonny had never thought about it like that before . He wondered if Mike was right . He stood up from the table , feeling confused and upset . He walked out onto the balcony , where the air was cold , and took in some deep breaths . Sonny didn 't turn around . He just continued to look out at the city . " I always thought of myself as bad , " he whispered . " I heard it so many times , I just started to believe it . I thought maybe . . . you thought of me that way too . " Sonny looked at Mike with tears . His father really meant it . Mike could see the pain in Sonny 's eyes . " You might not remember , but I was around when you were little . You were a great kid . I would play with you or take you to the park . We had it good for a while . " Mike shook his head . " I wish I listened to your mother . She loved you very much and she always told me to spend more time with you . She said boys really need their father . I 'm so sorry I wasn 't there for you . Things would have turned out so different . " Sonny nodded his head in agreement . For the first time in his life he heard regret from his father . Or maybe it was the first time he was really listening . " I don 't want to think about the past anymore , " he said quietly . " It won 't change what happened . " " You 're right , " said Mike . " We need to figure out how to move forward . All I want is to make you dinner sometimes or watch a baseball game together . " He reached out and put his hands on Sonny 's shoulders . " I 'm not going to hurt you anymore , Michael . You need to believe that . " Sonny felt overwhelmed by Mike 's words . He had always wanted a father and he was finally standing right in front of him . " I believe you , " he said , with tears in his voice . " I really want this to work , Mike . " " Me too , " said Mike , as he pulled Sonny into a hug . He wanted to hold his son right now and he was relieved when Sonny allowed him to hold him . " This is what your mother would want , " he said . " And from now on we 're going to take care of each other . " |
Unearthing My Family Roots is a blog for everyone . . . if you are interested in family history , genealogy , fun facts , or walking down memory lane , you will find a home here . My roots are mostly southern but my blog will cover topics as far as the east is to the west . Here 's to family , friends and fun ! In the summer of 1964 , we moved to a little base in Michigan , 30 miles from Traverse City , in the little town of Empire . There were only nine houses for the military families , located on top of a hill , and the base itself contained very few buildings but several big communication balloons . Our house overlooked a cherry tree orchard and you could see Lake Michigan off in the distance . I remember in the winter when it snowed , it would drift terribly . We had these fences that were supposed to help with the drifts but it drifted none the less . Many times up to or above the windows . We lived in Alaska two different times but I never remember being as cold as I was in Michigan . I went to first grade there , in Empire , and was bussed over to Glen Arbor , about 8 miles away , for second grade . I started learning to read in Michigan and can remember standing in front of the class and reading stories out loud . I knew just enough words to think that Kevin and I were in big trouble when we pulled the tag off the pillow in the living room , " Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law , " etc . We thought we were going to jail for sure . Needless to say , we didn 't get in trouble and now looking back , it 's pretty funny but at the time , it was very scary for two little kids . We also broke the floor to ceiling lamp , that mom had just told us to be careful around . We got in big trouble for that . We found lots of things to get into . While I was in school in Michigan , I learned the words to the Star Spangled Banner . It was quite an accomplishment , even though it was just the first verse . Another one of the things we did at the schools there , that I don 't remember in other places , was buying milk , getting a stamp for each one we bought , putting it in a book and when the book was full , we would get a savings bond . Todd John Hatch , born in Traverse City , Michigan My other little brother , Todd John , was born right after we moved to Michigan . He was born in Traverse City . Kevin and I thought he was like a doll … at least until I dropped him one time , when I was holding him , and saw the panic in mom 's eyes , and heard all his screaming . We approached him gently from then on . Very close to where we lived were these gigantic sand dunes , Sleeping Bear Dunes . We would go there on occasion and climb up and roll down those big mounds of sand . I remember it was so much fun . We would also go to Lake Michigan and collect Petoskey stones , a unique stone that we found there along the shore . I remember one time we were making plans to go to the lake and I mentioned it to the little boy down the street . He saw it as an invitation and showed up at the door with his little beach bag , ready to go . My parents were furious that I would invite him to go and no matter how much I said I didn 't invite him , that he invited himself , they got madder . So they packed up the car , told me there wasn 't room for me , since the neighbor boy was going , and off they went , leaving me behind . I was so upset that they would go off and leave me . Of course , they went down the block and came back and got me right away , but I learned a valuable lesson about keeping my little mouth shut when appropriate . I was quite the talker at that age ( what a surprise ) . So much so , that I was nicknamed Louella Parsons . I would go from house to house , hear what was happening and then share it with everybody . I thought I was doing them a service . I got no respect ! My best friend in Empire was a girl named Mickey McCullough ( standing next to my mom in the pic below ) . We got into a fight one time and she bit me on the stomach and left her teeth marks . Moments later we were great friends again . I 'll never forget the time my mother was drying the laundry in Mickey 's mom 's dryer and one of us kids had left a crayon in our pocket . The crayon melted all over the other laundry . I think my mother was ready to cry over that one . Our friends on the hill . Michigan was the first place I saw a live snake . There was one right by the front door of the house , right after we moved in . My dad killed it with a hoe , I think . My hero ! This was the first place I ever saw hail , too , that I can remember . I went back , sometime in the 2009 time frame , to see the base we lived on and the school I went to . Things have changed a lot and I was having trouble finding the housing area . We stopped downtown and asked a man if he could lead us in the right direction . I told him my father had been stationed there and I wanted to show my husband , John , and our friends the Sterns , where I had lived . He gave us directions and then asked what my dad 's name was and when he was there . You should have seen the look of surprise , when I told him . He knew him and said that my father had gone through a lot to find and make contact with him when his wife went into labor , as he was TDY somewhere . He also shared that he was now the Mayor of the big town of Empire , population 300 + people . Small world ! We also went out to the dunes , to relive those memories , and when we got there , I was so surprised ! I remembered them so differently . They seemed so much bigger then . I remembered that if you walked for awhile you could see the lake , so I convinced John and the Sterns to start the trek to see it . I thought they were going to kill me . By the time we got to the first rise , they were tired and I realized quickly that I was not going to get them to walk all the way to the lake . It turned out that it was much further than I remembered , so we didn 't make it . But we had a great time , just the same . It was fun returning to Empire and all the great memories of our time spent there . I was five now and I knew that meant that I would be starting school soon . I had heard lots of talk about it and was very excited to begin . By this time we had moved onto Elmendorf AFB , on Apricot Street , and registration took place two weeks before school was actually going to start . My mother took me with her to registration and I thought I was going to get to start that day . Needless to say , I was so mad when I found out that I would have to wait two more weeks , that I threw a little temper tantrum in the parking lot . My poor mother and the things I put her through ! I can still vividly remember that first day when I did start kindergarten . Even though I was excited to go , I was too young at the time to realize just how hard it would be on my mom , to send her first born off to school . She walked me down to the bus stop and waited until the bus picked me up and cried as she watched it drive away . It was a milestone in her little girl 's life . Things would never be the same . Elmendorf was building a new elementary school just as I started kindergarten . Unfortunately , it was not done in time to begin the school year . So , the base scrambled to find places to put the students until it was completed . My class ended up in an old office building . We continued at that location through the end of December . I can remember dancing around a Christmas tree there , singing Old Tannenbaum ! When the new - year started we were able to move into our brand new school . I loved that classroom . We had our own little cubbies and a cloak room . It was a great school … Mt . Iliamna Elementary . We moved right after my kindergarten year , so I only went to the new school for those five short months . Little did I know that in later years , I would once again have some classes in the same school . I am not sure it is even being used as a school today , but it is still there . As I write this , I realize that today marks the 51st Anniversary of the catastrophic Alaskan earthquake . We were there on that Good Friday , March 27 , 1964 , and experienced an event that would be forever engraved on our minds . The quake was measured as a 9 . 2 on the Richter scale . I remember my brother and I were in the living room with my dad , and we were watching the Mickey Mouse Club on TV . My mother was cooking dinner . As the rumbling began at 5 : 36 p . m . , I had no idea what was happening . I remember watching my mother trying to maneuver her way to the picture mirror that was over our brand new stereo , to keep it from crashing down . In the meantime , whatever she was cooking on the stove was a giant concern too , and my father went in to turn off the burners . Things were crashing out of the cabinets and the noise was deafening and unforgettable . The shaking was so hard ; it sloshed the water right out of the toilet . We had some breakage but my family was not hurt . The quake shook for four minutes . Over 125 people died and many people lost their homes . Some homes were totally swallowed up by the large crevasses that opened up . Downtown Anchorage was decimated . Streets sank , buildings tilted , businesses were torn apart . There was a brand new JC Penney building that had multiple stories and it was totally destroyed . There were clothes hanging out the sides and large sheets of the siding came down on top of cars sitting on the streets . Tidal waves ( Tsunamis ) destroyed a lot of coastal towns . There has never been another earthquake , in North America , as powerful as the one we experienced that Good Friday . For days there were lots of tremors . With each one , we would all panic that it was starting all over again . Thank goodness we did not experience another one while we were there . There were lots more memories from our first time in Alaska . Some right off the top of my head are : Standing in a long line for the polio vaccine ; skating in what seemed like nighttime but it was just the darkness of winter ; running out in the middle of the night to see the aurora borealis or northern lights ; my parents helping to start a new church ; bugging the Romper Room lady that went to our church and trying to get her to look through her magic mirror and see me at home and say my name ; and watching television , the night John F . Kennedy was assassinated , just to name a few . There are so many memories of Alaska that it would be very hard to put them all into a blog . We were very fortunate to be stationed at Elmendorf AFB twice , and lots of memories were built both times . The first tour was from 1960 - 1964 , so in today 's blog I will share some of those highlights . When we first moved up to Alaska , we lived in a trailer park in Muldoon , just outside the Anchorage city limits . This was a grand time in the lives of my brother and I . We learned all those fun winter activities , such as ice skating , sledding , building snowmen , igloos and forts . It really was a child 's winter wonderland . It was a very cold place to live in the winter , and required some actions that weren 't necessary at many of our other bases , such as plugging in your car at night to make sure it would start the next day . And something that was done a lot … shoveling , shoveling , and more shoveling . But it was also a place where you could make your own ice rink in the back yard and see the awesome Aurora Borealis ( Northern Lights ) . During the winter months , darkness sets in and stays for the better part of the day . It is very weird . It feels like you are wandering around at dusk but all day long . Then the opposite happens in the summer where you have daylight for long periods of time . In June , the sun could still be up close to midnight . Because of the long hours of sun , flowers , vegetables and other things that grow in the summer , tend to get very large . Our friends grew some zucchini one year that were like a foot and a half long . They made lots of zucchini bread . The Muldoon trailer park we lived in was Rangeview Trailer Park . It had a little stream that ran behind it . I can remember my parents warning us about the dangers of getting too close , falling in , going under the ice , and freezing from the cold water . Did we listen ? Of course not , and one day we were down by the stream when my brother Kevin , fell in . Talk about a scary moment . I just knew that everything that mom and dad had told us was about to come true . HowevOh it didn 't stop there . The icing on the cake came the day that we went to run errands on the base with my mother . It was at the time that people were getting off work . Traffic was usually quite heavy at this time , with everyone ready to get home . Mom stopped to fill up the car with gas and went in to pay for it . Famous last words , she told us to not get into the front seat while she was gone . That was the time when cars would go into gear without the brake being set . So , the minute mom was out of sight , my brother jumps into the front seat and hits the gearshift . We are now rolling into the road cutting off traffic at the stoplight . Mom came out and there was no car ! Then turning around , she saw the car and figured out what had happened . She came running over , not sure what she would see but found us with no harm or injuries . She said that when she came up to the car , there stood Kevin , at the wheel , with a big , proud smile on his face . We had rolled right into a huge snowbank , cushioning our stop . She was so furious , yet so relieved that we were okay . We had fun and lots of adventures while growing up . We eventually moved onto Elmendorf AFB and lived in an apartment type building on Apricot Street . Little did we know that our next time there , we would live on the same street , just at the opposite end . Do you remember the show Mannix ? I don 't remember it well , except maybe what I saw in reruns . Sometime while we were there , Mike Connors came up to Alaska and we were able to see him . Mom got dad to take a picture of her standing behind him . Look at the smile on her face . She was thrilled to see him in person . Mike Connors from the show Mannix with mom and Kevin in the background . My parents were very outdoorsy and loved to camp and fish . My brother and I were out camping with them from a very early age . We started out sleeping in tents and slowly moved up to a tiny little trailer just big enough for one person to turn around . But we thought it was heaven after sleeping in the tent . Mom and dad told us one time that they tied a rope around several trees and put us inside the rope and told us to stay and silly us … we did . During our four - year stay at Elmendorf , we made many trips to the woods . Me , Mom , Kevin and our little camping trailer While at Elmendorf , we participated in our dear friends , Jim and Sandy Paxton 's , wedding . It was a real family affair . I was the flower girl . Kevin was the ring bearer and mom and dad stood up with them . We would later be stationed with them again in Alaska , and I would babysit their boys . To this day we are still great friends with these folks . They have become part of the family . That happens a lot in the military . Those you are stationed with become like family . Many times , you are too far from your hometown and can 't get back often , especially from places like Alaska , so the people you are stationed with help you celebrate your holidays , birthdays , new babies , etc . They become lifelong friends ! Today 's Terri 's Tibit : We became grandparents again last night at 6 : 57 pm , when our newest granddaughter was born . Joleyna MaeEllen was 8 lbs 1 oz and 19 3 / 4 inches long . She is an absolutely beautiful baby and all are doing well ! Congrats Stephanie ( my daughter ) , Bobby and big sister Hannah ! We love you ! Honeymoon High Jinks Clara Jean Garrison became Mrs . James V . Hatch on September 14 , 1956 , in the Minister 's Parsonage of Culdee Presbyterian Church . She wore a beautiful dress , hat and white gloves and Dad was decked out in a very sharp looking suit . Both sets of parents were in attendance along with numerous other family members . After the wedding , they set out for their honeymoon to the mountains in western North Carolina , ready to start their life together . Wedding Day , September 1956 After they had left , Clara Jean 's brother Fred realized he had their luggage in his car . He realized it too late , however , to catch the happy couple , as they were already way down the road . He was in a state of panic that the newlyweds would not have the stuff they needed for their trip . He tried everything to get the bags to my parents , even contacting the local law enforcement , but to no avail . No worries though . Dad said it was not a problem because they had all they really needed for their honeymoon . They toured the mountains , a Cherokee Indian Reservation and went to visit one of Clara Jean 's sisters , during their time away . Knowing that dad would have to leave when they got home , probably made the trip seem shorter than ever . Several days into the honeymoon they were driving along and there was this horrible odor emanating throughout the car . They had noticed it a little along the way but now it had gotten much more pungent . Dad is looking at mom and mom is looking at dad , wondering what or who was making the smell . Awkward ! They finally figured it out that it wasn 't either of them , so they pulled off the road and went through the car and discovered an open can of sardines under the rug , beneath one of the seats . One of their relatives or friends had placed it there as a joke . It took a while to get the odor out but the thought of it made them laugh whenever it came up , even years later . After they returned home , dad headed to South Dakota and mom stayed in North Carolina to finish school . At Christmas of that year , she headed up to join him in the frigid Rapid City weather . They began their life together a long way from North Carolina , a long way from home , a long way from family . A little over a year later , the first of their three children arrived in this world . Me ! My mom had a very hard pregnancy . She was sick for many months and lost a lot of weight , which she couldn 't afford to lose . I was born on January 6 , 1958 at St . John 's Hospital , there in Rapid City . Years later , the hospital was converted into apartments . Our family went through Rapid City when I was 16 to see the town , Mount Rushmore and the hospital I was born in . I asked my dad about the day I was born and he said , " We did not live far from the hospital . We had made several dry runs to time it , see how long it took , etc . The night your mom 's water broke , we got up , got dressed , got her bag , got in the car and drove right past the hospital … we laughed about that for years . In those days you could not go in the room for delivery … I got word of your birth then took off to see you . " Our little family lived in an apartment , which used to be part of a local motel . It sat on the outskirts of town , on the road to the airport . It is still there today . I have pictures from back then with my mom and I , and outside of the change in color , it looks very much the same . I don 't remember anything about our stay in South Dakota because I was still very little and we weren 't there long after I was born . As was typical of Air Force families at that time , we were off to a new base long before we had the chance to put down too many roots . However , I do know that while there , Rev . Rew Walz baptized me at First Presbyterian Church . Right after I was born he typed me a note and placed it inside a tiny white bible that he gave me . I still have both to this day . It wasn 't long and we moved to Goldsboro , North Carolina . My dad was transferred to Seymour Johnson Air Force Base and on April 15 , 1959 , my brother Kevin came into this world . We are 15 months apart in age . He was my best friend and what one didn 't think of , the other did . We had many exciting adventures as kids , much to my parent 's chagrin . I 'll share more on our escapades later . This was a great place to go after being all the way out in South Dakota . Mom and dad were close to home again . Our house was on Luftberry Drive and when I went looking for that address on Google Earth , it looks like the houses of that time have been torn down and new ones constructed . The house was a Capehart home , which was typical military housing on several of the bases we lived on . If any of them are still standing , they are very old . Kevin , too , knew little of his birthplace , as we were off to Elmendorf AFB , Anchorage , Alaska , long before he was able to remember Goldsboro . Moving to Alaska would once again take us a long way from Pinehurst / Southern Pines , North Carolina and to another very cold climate ! Would we like it ? Terri 's Tidbit for Today : I really like my Amazon Prime ! With the Prime membership , you can get free two day shipping ( I used an option where you could take a longer delivery time , still free , and got a $ 1 . 00 credit towards a book ) , you get great music you can listen to , you can watch lots of instant videos and I learned today that if you buy something from Amazon and they drop the price within a week , you can contact them and depending on what you bought , they may credit you the difference . Because I have family all over the US , I really benefit from the free shipping but I love all the other features too . Posted by The Hatch family has been a military family for many generations . Over the years , we had heard some talk of having ancestors who had fought both in the American Revolution and the Civil War . I decided to start looking for the allusive family member who was the American Revolutionist . After much genealogical research , I discovered that my fourth great grandfather , Alexander Hatch , had served in that war and through him , I was eligible to be a Daughter of the American Revolution ( DAR ) . I applied last fall , was accepted and was inducted into the George W . Kendall Chapter in Boerne , in February . Now I will have to begin my search for the ancestor who fought in the Civil War . My dad 's uncles served in World War II and his Uncle Lawton was a Prisoner of War in Stalag 9B in Bad Orb , Germany , about 30 miles from Frankfurt . After he was captured , he and the rest of his group were forced to march for two days , moving towards their place of imprisonment . During that time , they were only given a little piece of hardtack to eat . They ate snow to stay hydrated . They continued to the next point , where they were put in a boxcar for a four - day ride . Sixty men were crammed into the car , which comfortably fit only 25 . At one point they were in the rail yards and the RAF came over and bombed the area . They were locked into the car and basically , left to die . He ended up at Stalag 9B . This particular camp was known as one of the worst Prisoner of War Camps that held American POW 's . It also held Italians , French , Serbians and Russians . Uncle Lawton said the conditions were horrible . There were windows but many of them did not have glass , and there was no heat . The food was the worst and he lost 30 pounds while in confinement . During this time , he and the others heard very little about what was going on with the war . But eventually , some British soldiers came to the camp . They had some way of finding out information , so they kept the troops up to date on what was happening . They were eventually liberated , but Uncle Lawton wasn 't clear on the details of how all that happened . He came home , spent a few days processing out and then was allowed to go home to his family . An experience he would never forget . My Grandpa Hatch wanted to serve in the military , but for health reasons he was not able to . So he did the next best thing . He became a Civil Service Fireman at Pope Field , which made him feel he was part of something important . He was also a volunteer fireman , for years , in Southern Pines , North Carolina . My dad , James Vernon Hatch , was career Air Force but if he had not been pressured by a buddy , I wonder if he would have joined at all . In another one of those " things I never knew " scenarios , IToday 's Terri 's Tidbit : There is an app you can download that can help you raise funds for your favorite school . It is called Shoparoo . You simply download it , choose your school , take a picture of your receipts from a grocery retailer and points will be given that will earn them money . Receipts from stores other than a grocery retailer are entered into a monthly drawing for $ 1 , 000 that goes to a randomly selected , registered school . Lots of parents , grandparents and friends are taking advantage of this easy way to raise funds . Check it out here and start helping your favorite school now ! Jimmy Hatch was the class clown . For anyone that has known my dad over the years , I suspect that doesn 't come as a surprise . He has always had a great sense of humor and has never known a stranger . He had lots of great friends growing up . Even after all these years , he still tries to keep in touch with several of the really close ones . James Vernon Hatch One of his friends from school , went on to be the North Carolina Boy 's Champion Tennis player , in spite of some injuries he suffered in an auto accident . Another friend opened a coffee shop in Washington DC . It was one of the early beatnik hangouts that became famous . He knew Penny Fuller , although she was younger , who went on to become an actress and another classmate became a famous artist . His graduating class had 33 people . Sadly , only a small portion of them are still here today . When my dad was a kid he hung out with his cousin David Johnson . They would get together and act out some of the old Western movies , where the Cowboys and Indians would fight each other . One of them would be up in a tree and the other would pretend to shoot him and he would fall out of it , just like the actors did . I always thought that they were lucky to not have killed themselves from the fall . Dad played JV football until the day he got shot in the leg . What ? ? No Cowboys and Indians here . He was out at a farm , hunting with a friend , when they got separated . His friend saw some movement through the trees and thought it was a squirrel and fired a shot … right into my dad 's leg . That friend has since passed away but there were never any hard feelings between the two , and their friendship endured to the end . Dad still has a big ole scar but it has never seemed to bother his gait . Jimmy took all the required courses in school but his favorites were band and drama . He emceed the Junior / Senior proms , had the lead in the class play , played in the band at school , sang in a trio , and had a little band of his own with friends , called the Downbeats . He loved all these fun things and although he hated to study , he did graduate in 1954 . Jimmy Hatch is on the second row , second from the left . His favorite teacher was Billy Williams , who he had for homeroom , chemistry , and biology . She was also in charge of the proms . He said she was a great teacher , pushed him along , encouraged him to study ( which was not something he wanted to do ) but she would also let him get away with murder . He said they used to call her " Bat Cave " , ( not to her face however ) , because she was from Bat Cave , North Carolina . Funny how certain teachers make a long term impact on your life . I have a few of those myself ! One of dad 's favorite memories is of Christmas . His mother would go all out . There would be lots of decorations , carols on the radio , and a bunch of presents . He said that being an only child , they spoiled him rotten . His mom always made fruitcakes during the holidays , too , just like my mom 's mother . During the war years his mother 's job at the telephone company was considered essential to the war effort . She had to work many nights and weekends , so her time at home was precious . Dad 's Grandma Hatch took care of him a lot during those times and he was crazy about her . Even though she would have to get a switch to him once in awhile , he still thought she was a wonderful lady . He remembers a time when they lived in Wilson , North Carolina , that they went to the Annual Tobacco Festival . There was a parade during these festivals . This particular year , Ava Gardner and Mickey Rooney were in that parade . Ava was from a town nearby and at the time , her and Mickey were dating . Dad said that his mom , Ola Mae , was beside herself because she was getting to see them . A wonderful memory for both her and my dad . Dad 's first job was at the Modern Market , working for Walter Emmett Blue , better known as W . E . He stocked shelves , took out groceries , swept floors , etc . He also worked as an apprentice electrician , at a radio station as a sports announcer , and for the water department cleaning and repairing water meters . He said his favorite job was the radio announcer because " you were somebody " . He got a lot of attention from that job . He also wrote the football coverage for the local paper and that got him a lot of added kudos . He loved his job at the Modern Market , too , and they promised him a raise to $ 100 a week if he would not go into the Air Force . I don 't think he ever got that raise … Today 's Terri 's Tidbit : Do you use Ebates ? If you order anything online , go to the Ebates site and order through them and a lot of stores will give you a percentage of your total back . See their website here . If you have a Tidbit that you think is worthy of sharing , just leave me a comment and I will try to work it into a future blog . Posted by James Vernon Hatch , my father , was best friends with Jimmy Barber , my mom 's boyfriend , who died on her sixteenth birthday . Dad knew mom before this happened , not only through Jimmy but also through a mutual friend . Dad had dated one of mom 's good friends , Martha , for three years . So it was only natural that he would stop by to give his condolences to my mom , after Jimmy passed away . Dad was grieving . When the accident happened , Jimmy was away at school and dad was in basic training for the Air Force , in San Antonio . No one wanted to tell him about the accident because they knew how upset he would be . When he got home , he went to see my mom . She knew the pain he was experiencing . After that , my dad was off to Wyoming for Tech School and they talked on the phone several times . He told me that she wrote him everyday and signed the letters , " Your little sister " . He returned to North Carolina later in 1955 with orders to go to Saudi Arabia and they started dating . They dated almost every night before he left . He got to Saudi and decided he wanted to spend the rest of his life with mom . So he bought a ring , sent it to his parent 's house with a note asking her to marry him . His mom and dad , Ola Mae and Plinny Hatch , had mom over for dinner and during the evening , gave her the note and the ring . They got married in September 1956 . Until two weeks ago , I had no idea that this is how my dad proposed . I never thought to ask . I am very blessed to still have dad around and am now taking time to ask him questions about his growing up years . Something I should have done with my mom . He was more than willing to help me out in my quest to find out more about our family . Here are some of the things I learned . Little Jimmy Hatch was a personable kid . He was an only child and grew up in several different places . He was born in Charlotte , NC on November 13 , 1935 . The family didn 't live there long before they moved to the town of Wilson , Wilson County , NC , and lived there for about 4 years . They may have lived in Whiteville His mother , Ola Mae Marley was born in Lee County , North Carolina on May 10 , 1907 to James Rupert and Bessie Frieda Thomas Marley . She graduated from Goldston High School in 1925 . Two years prior to that , her and her sister went to work for a small independent telephone office . Her sister , the only other operator , worked the day shift from 7 a . m . to 4 p . m . and Ola Mae worked the 4 to 9 : 00 p . m . In an interview for the Sandhill Citizen Newspaper on May 13 , 1971 , she said , " Our equipment consisted of a one - position switchboard . When you received a call ( which wasn 't often ) there was a little buzz , and a little lid affair opened and when you answered , this would close . To ring a number , you had to turn a crank . " [ 1 ] When I was in college , I worked the switchboard at the dorm I lived in . When I first started working there , they still had the old PBX system where you plugged in to the different switches and manually rang the phones . I loved that job and could see why my grandma enjoyed it for so many years . Thank goodness , though , we have come a long way with our telephones . In 1927 her parents moved to Sanford so she boarded with a local Goldston family , continuing to work . Later that year , Central Carolina Company bought their office . Ola said , " I was bought along with it and moved to Siler City . " [ 2 ] Her sister moved to Southern Pines , NC and liked it , so she convinced Ola to move there too , in 1930 . They were putting the phone systems into Pinehurst and it kept her busy , which she liked . She stayed there until her marriage to Plinny Vernon Hatch on April 23 , 1933 . They moved several places with Plinny 's job but were in Charlotte in November of 1935 , when my dad was born . They moved back to Southern Pines in 1939 and one of the employees at the telephone company went to Plinny 's job to sound him out as to whether he thought Ola might return to work . She thought about it and decided she could do the job and still not be away from her son too much . In 1945 , just six years after starting in that office , sheGrandpa and Grandma Hatch at her retirement party . She had many plans for her retirement . Her and my grandpa had bought a house three years before and she was looking forward to working in the garden and spending time with friends . Her memories of working for the telephone company inspired her to write a little poem . Here is what she wrote : The telephone girls in the days of oldHad the number to crank and the mouthpiece to hold . They 'd wade through ice or sleet or snow - Their job was important , as we all should know . She worked through tears , she worked through smiles , She connected voices for many miles . My Grandma , Ola Mae , was known for her smile . And if you really wanted to see her light up , just be around when her son would walk into the room . The Air Force had kept my family a long way from North Carolina , so every moment that she was able to spend with him was precious to her . She loved her son and said numerous times ( even in the newspapers ) how proud she was of his service in the military . She always looked forward to having him home . Today 's Terri 's Tidbit : If you shop at Walmart , you need to download their Savings Catcher app . It has the ability to scan your shopping receipt , check local prices to see if something was cheaper elsewhere and if so , they credit you the amount . Instead of running from store to store to get the best price , it does the work for you and you get money back , if their competitor has a better price . [ 1 ] [ 2 ] Nicholson , V . ( 1971 , May 13 ) . Mrs . Ola Hatch Retires From Telephone Work After Many Years . The Sandhill Citizen , p . 3 Being an Air Force wife is not an easy job . You pick up your family and everything in your home and move it , lots ! From the time my mom married my dad on September 14 , 1956 , until she passed away , she moved at least twelve times . Some of those moves may have been in the same town where we moved from an apartment to a house . Her final move was to San Antonio in 1981 . Considering that some people never leave their original homes , twelve times in 25 years is a lot of moves . Clara Jean Garrison Hatch knew how to pack . She had the moves down to a fine science . Since we were limited on weight by the movers , it was also a time to purge unwanted / unneeded items . The first move in my mom 's life was from the hospital in Pinehurst , North Carolina to her parent 's home in West End , just a few miles down the road . Mom was born on February 10 , 1939 . She was one of the first of her family to be born in a hospital . Very early in her life , she was nicknamed " Tukie " and was referred to that even later in life . When she would return home , her family called her Clara Jean or Tukie but the military friends she made with each move , always called her Jean . I wish I had thought to ask why she dropped the Clara . Being the youngest of 12 and only one of four girls , I suspect her older brothers watched her over , carefully . Many of them were quite a bit older . The first born , Ira Paul , was 25 years older . That is a whole generation difference in age . The next oldest brother , Albert Hamilton Jr . , 22 years older , was married and already had a son , Charles , who was born two years before mom . A niece and nephew were actually in the same grade with her , for all their years of school . That would be odd to be in elementary school and have someone call you Aunt Clara Jean . Mom 's Baby Doll Unfortunately , I don 't know a lot about mom 's early years , except what I can glean from a box of her " special treasures " that she left behind . Buried inside were so many surprises ; many fun things I had never seen before . One was this little doll . ShMy mom , Clara Jean Garrison , is sixth from the left . The box also had lots of memorabilia from high school and her early years of marriage . She had numerous newspaper clippings of her friends , classmates , sports events and boyfriends . Mom was very active in high school . She belonged to the Future Homemakers and Beta Clubs . She attended many of the school 's athletic events . I found one of her punch cards for the home football games in 1955 . All the games were punched . She was on the Pinehurst High School basketball team and from what everyone says , she was a very good player . She loved the sport . In fact , she received her letter for playing on the team . ( see picture below ) She was always an athlete . Later in life she tried her hand at golf and was hooked right away . One of mom 's boyfriends in high school was James A . Barber , Jr . who went to the rival high school in Southern Pines . Jimmy was a very talented athlete , playing both baseball and basketball . After graduating from high school , he went on to State College in Raleigh . On my mom 's sixteenth birthday , Jimmy had just finished one of his sport 's practices , fell while taking a shower and was found by classmates a few minutes later . They called for the doctor but he did not survive . As a child , he had a heart condition . That had to be an awful time for his loved ones and friends . Mom rarely talked about this event but she kept many of the obituaries from his death in her treasure box . Thank goodness he had a best friend by the name of James " Jimmy " Hatch . Today 's Terri 's Tidbit : Some time ago I discovered the website www . retailmenot . com In fact , I think my brother Kevin told me about it . Any time I am going to a store or ordering something online , I go to this site to see if they have any coupons or coupon codes I can use . Many stores are now using retailmenot . com to list their current specials . I was at the local shopping center the other day and they had banners all around reminding you to check them out before you bought anything in a store . You can get some great savings . Click here to see their website . Posted by There have been many events in my life that have brought to the forefront just how short life really is . On August 21 , 1991 two events happened that changed my life forever . That was the day my mom , Clara Jean Garrison Hatch , passed away . Albert and Mittie 's youngest child died at the early age of 52 . That same day , the next youngest daughter , my Aunt Betty , also died . Both involved in a horrible auto accident , just a couple days after attending one of their Garrison family reunions . Aunt Betty and my mom , Clara Jean With the realization of how quickly our loved ones can leave us , I set out on a mission to dig deeper , to find more information pertaining to my family 's history . Many years ago , my father encouraged me to do genealogy , so I have been researching all sides of my family for some time . As I have gotten further into it , I see that for a large part of that time it had really been somewhat of a superficial search . Now that I have a little more time , it has become a bigger priority to figure out " from whence I came . " Searching for ancestors is fun ! Is it easy ? Think for a moment , if you will , about a jigsaw puzzle . When you dump out all the pieces of the puzzle on the table , it looks like a big jumbled mess . That is kind of what it feels like when you first start doing your family history . But just like when doing a puzzle , you find a piece , and then you find one that attaches to it , and another , and another and pretty soon , you start to see a little piece of the picture . The more you do , the clearer the picture becomes . It 's a lot like that when doing research on your ancestors . You find a clue here and there on your family member and pretty soon , you start to see what they were like , you get to know more about them , they start to become a real person , a member of your family . I 've been doing research on the Garrison side of my family tree , and I haven 't been able to get any further than John Wesley Garrison , my Great Great Grandfather . No matter how hard I have tried , I keep hitting that proverbial brick wall . However , I do know a few things about him . He was born in 1832 and died in 1911 . He lived in the Rowan and Davidson County , North Carolina area and although not verified yet , we think he was married to Mary Ann Mathis . He is buried in Abbott 's Creek Primitive Baptist Cemetery in Wallburg , Davidson County , NC . Have you heard of this family ? I would love to hear from you if you have . I recently joined the Garrison DNA Project and they already have someone in their system that is a descendant of John Wesley , so they are hopeful that eventually we can find and verify his parents and other ancestors . Every little bit of information leads you down a path that could be the exact one you need to be on . But I will tell you , I have been down a lot of rabbit holes too , thinking I was on the right track , only to find after hours of research , that I wasn 't . But you just press on and within no time you have another piece of that jigsaw puzzle in place , making even the wasted time seem worthwhile . Are you looking into your fPosted by |
Unearthing My Family Roots is a blog for everyone . . . if you are interested in family history , genealogy , fun facts , or walking down memory lane , you will find a home here . My roots are mostly southern but my blog will cover topics as far as the east is to the west . Here 's to family , friends and fun ! In the summer of 1964 , we moved to a little base in Michigan , 30 miles from Traverse City , in the little town of Empire . There were only nine houses for the military families , located on top of a hill , and the base itself contained very few buildings but several big communication balloons . Our house overlooked a cherry tree orchard and you could see Lake Michigan off in the distance . I remember in the winter when it snowed , it would drift terribly . We had these fences that were supposed to help with the drifts but it drifted none the less . Many times up to or above the windows . We lived in Alaska two different times but I never remember being as cold as I was in Michigan . I went to first grade there , in Empire , and was bussed over to Glen Arbor , about 8 miles away , for second grade . I started learning to read in Michigan and can remember standing in front of the class and reading stories out loud . I knew just enough words to think that Kevin and I were in big trouble when we pulled the tag off the pillow in the living room , " Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law , " etc . We thought we were going to jail for sure . Needless to say , we didn 't get in trouble and now looking back , it 's pretty funny but at the time , it was very scary for two little kids . We also broke the floor to ceiling lamp , that mom had just told us to be careful around . We got in big trouble for that . We found lots of things to get into . While I was in school in Michigan , I learned the words to the Star Spangled Banner . It was quite an accomplishment , even though it was just the first verse . Another one of the things we did at the schools there , that I don 't remember in other places , was buying milk , getting a stamp for each one we bought , putting it in a book and when the book was full , we would get a savings bond . Todd John Hatch , born in Traverse City , Michigan My other little brother , Todd John , was born right after we moved to Michigan . He was born in Traverse City . Kevin and I thought he was like a doll … at least until I dropped him one time , when I was holding him , and saw the panic in mom 's eyes , and heard all his screaming . We approached him gently from then on . Very close to where we lived were these gigantic sand dunes , Sleeping Bear Dunes . We would go there on occasion and climb up and roll down those big mounds of sand . I remember it was so much fun . We would also go to Lake Michigan and collect Petoskey stones , a unique stone that we found there along the shore . I remember one time we were making plans to go to the lake and I mentioned it to the little boy down the street . He saw it as an invitation and showed up at the door with his little beach bag , ready to go . My parents were furious that I would invite him to go and no matter how much I said I didn 't invite him , that he invited himself , they got madder . So they packed up the car , told me there wasn 't room for me , since the neighbor boy was going , and off they went , leaving me behind . I was so upset that they would go off and leave me . Of course , they went down the block and came back and got me right away , but I learned a valuable lesson about keeping my little mouth shut when appropriate . I was quite the talker at that age ( what a surprise ) . So much so , that I was nicknamed Louella Parsons . I would go from house to house , hear what was happening and then share it with everybody . I thought I was doing them a service . I got no respect ! My best friend in Empire was a girl named Mickey McCullough ( standing next to my mom in the pic below ) . We got into a fight one time and she bit me on the stomach and left her teeth marks . Moments later we were great friends again . I 'll never forget the time my mother was drying the laundry in Mickey 's mom 's dryer and one of us kids had left a crayon in our pocket . The crayon melted all over the other laundry . I think my mother was ready to cry over that one . Our friends on the hill . Michigan was the first place I saw a live snake . There was one right by the front door of the house , right after we moved in . My dad killed it with a hoe , I think . My hero ! This was the first place I ever saw hail , too , that I can remember . I went back , sometime in the 2009 time frame , to see the base we lived on and the school I went to . Things have changed a lot and I was having trouble finding the housing area . We stopped downtown and asked a man if he could lead us in the right direction . I told him my father had been stationed there and I wanted to show my husband , John , and our friends the Sterns , where I had lived . He gave us directions and then asked what my dad 's name was and when he was there . You should have seen the look of surprise , when I told him . He knew him and said that my father had gone through a lot to find and make contact with him when his wife went into labor , as he was TDY somewhere . He also shared that he was now the Mayor of the big town of Empire , population 300 + people . Small world ! We also went out to the dunes , to relive those memories , and when we got there , I was so surprised ! I remembered them so differently . They seemed so much bigger then . I remembered that if you walked for awhile you could see the lake , so I convinced John and the Sterns to start the trek to see it . I thought they were going to kill me . By the time we got to the first rise , they were tired and I realized quickly that I was not going to get them to walk all the way to the lake . It turned out that it was much further than I remembered , so we didn 't make it . But we had a great time , just the same . It was fun returning to Empire and all the great memories of our time spent there . I was five now and I knew that meant that I would be starting school soon . I had heard lots of talk about it and was very excited to begin . By this time we had moved onto Elmendorf AFB , on Apricot Street , and registration took place two weeks before school was actually going to start . My mother took me with her to registration and I thought I was going to get to start that day . Needless to say , I was so mad when I found out that I would have to wait two more weeks , that I threw a little temper tantrum in the parking lot . My poor mother and the things I put her through ! I can still vividly remember that first day when I did start kindergarten . Even though I was excited to go , I was too young at the time to realize just how hard it would be on my mom , to send her first born off to school . She walked me down to the bus stop and waited until the bus picked me up and cried as she watched it drive away . It was a milestone in her little girl 's life . Things would never be the same . Elmendorf was building a new elementary school just as I started kindergarten . Unfortunately , it was not done in time to begin the school year . So , the base scrambled to find places to put the students until it was completed . My class ended up in an old office building . We continued at that location through the end of December . I can remember dancing around a Christmas tree there , singing Old Tannenbaum ! When the new - year started we were able to move into our brand new school . I loved that classroom . We had our own little cubbies and a cloak room . It was a great school … Mt . Iliamna Elementary . We moved right after my kindergarten year , so I only went to the new school for those five short months . Little did I know that in later years , I would once again have some classes in the same school . I am not sure it is even being used as a school today , but it is still there . As I write this , I realize that today marks the 51st Anniversary of the catastrophic Alaskan earthquake . We were there on that Good Friday , March 27 , 1964 , and experienced an event that would be forever engraved on our minds . The quake was measured as a 9 . 2 on the Richter scale . I remember my brother and I were in the living room with my dad , and we were watching the Mickey Mouse Club on TV . My mother was cooking dinner . As the rumbling began at 5 : 36 p . m . , I had no idea what was happening . I remember watching my mother trying to maneuver her way to the picture mirror that was over our brand new stereo , to keep it from crashing down . In the meantime , whatever she was cooking on the stove was a giant concern too , and my father went in to turn off the burners . Things were crashing out of the cabinets and the noise was deafening and unforgettable . The shaking was so hard ; it sloshed the water right out of the toilet . We had some breakage but my family was not hurt . The quake shook for four minutes . Over 125 people died and many people lost their homes . Some homes were totally swallowed up by the large crevasses that opened up . Downtown Anchorage was decimated . Streets sank , buildings tilted , businesses were torn apart . There was a brand new JC Penney building that had multiple stories and it was totally destroyed . There were clothes hanging out the sides and large sheets of the siding came down on top of cars sitting on the streets . Tidal waves ( Tsunamis ) destroyed a lot of coastal towns . There has never been another earthquake , in North America , as powerful as the one we experienced that Good Friday . For days there were lots of tremors . With each one , we would all panic that it was starting all over again . Thank goodness we did not experience another one while we were there . There were lots more memories from our first time in Alaska . Some right off the top of my head are : Standing in a long line for the polio vaccine ; skating in what seemed like nighttime but it was just the darkness of winter ; running out in the middle of the night to see the aurora borealis or northern lights ; my parents helping to start a new church ; bugging the Romper Room lady that went to our church and trying to get her to look through her magic mirror and see me at home and say my name ; and watching television , the night John F . Kennedy was assassinated , just to name a few . There are so many memories of Alaska that it would be very hard to put them all into a blog . We were very fortunate to be stationed at Elmendorf AFB twice , and lots of memories were built both times . The first tour was from 1960 - 1964 , so in today 's blog I will share some of those highlights . When we first moved up to Alaska , we lived in a trailer park in Muldoon , just outside the Anchorage city limits . This was a grand time in the lives of my brother and I . We learned all those fun winter activities , such as ice skating , sledding , building snowmen , igloos and forts . It really was a child 's winter wonderland . It was a very cold place to live in the winter , and required some actions that weren 't necessary at many of our other bases , such as plugging in your car at night to make sure it would start the next day . And something that was done a lot … shoveling , shoveling , and more shoveling . But it was also a place where you could make your own ice rink in the back yard and see the awesome Aurora Borealis ( Northern Lights ) . During the winter months , darkness sets in and stays for the better part of the day . It is very weird . It feels like you are wandering around at dusk but all day long . Then the opposite happens in the summer where you have daylight for long periods of time . In June , the sun could still be up close to midnight . Because of the long hours of sun , flowers , vegetables and other things that grow in the summer , tend to get very large . Our friends grew some zucchini one year that were like a foot and a half long . They made lots of zucchini bread . The Muldoon trailer park we lived in was Rangeview Trailer Park . It had a little stream that ran behind it . I can remember my parents warning us about the dangers of getting too close , falling in , going under the ice , and freezing from the cold water . Did we listen ? Of course not , and one day we were down by the stream when my brother Kevin , fell in . Talk about a scary moment . I just knew that everything that mom and dad had told us was about to come true . HowevOh it didn 't stop there . The icing on the cake came the day that we went to run errands on the base with my mother . It was at the time that people were getting off work . Traffic was usually quite heavy at this time , with everyone ready to get home . Mom stopped to fill up the car with gas and went in to pay for it . Famous last words , she told us to not get into the front seat while she was gone . That was the time when cars would go into gear without the brake being set . So , the minute mom was out of sight , my brother jumps into the front seat and hits the gearshift . We are now rolling into the road cutting off traffic at the stoplight . Mom came out and there was no car ! Then turning around , she saw the car and figured out what had happened . She came running over , not sure what she would see but found us with no harm or injuries . She said that when she came up to the car , there stood Kevin , at the wheel , with a big , proud smile on his face . We had rolled right into a huge snowbank , cushioning our stop . She was so furious , yet so relieved that we were okay . We had fun and lots of adventures while growing up . We eventually moved onto Elmendorf AFB and lived in an apartment type building on Apricot Street . Little did we know that our next time there , we would live on the same street , just at the opposite end . Do you remember the show Mannix ? I don 't remember it well , except maybe what I saw in reruns . Sometime while we were there , Mike Connors came up to Alaska and we were able to see him . Mom got dad to take a picture of her standing behind him . Look at the smile on her face . She was thrilled to see him in person . Mike Connors from the show Mannix with mom and Kevin in the background . My parents were very outdoorsy and loved to camp and fish . My brother and I were out camping with them from a very early age . We started out sleeping in tents and slowly moved up to a tiny little trailer just big enough for one person to turn around . But we thought it was heaven after sleeping in the tent . Mom and dad told us one time that they tied a rope around several trees and put us inside the rope and told us to stay and silly us … we did . During our four - year stay at Elmendorf , we made many trips to the woods . Me , Mom , Kevin and our little camping trailer While at Elmendorf , we participated in our dear friends , Jim and Sandy Paxton 's , wedding . It was a real family affair . I was the flower girl . Kevin was the ring bearer and mom and dad stood up with them . We would later be stationed with them again in Alaska , and I would babysit their boys . To this day we are still great friends with these folks . They have become part of the family . That happens a lot in the military . Those you are stationed with become like family . Many times , you are too far from your hometown and can 't get back often , especially from places like Alaska , so the people you are stationed with help you celebrate your holidays , birthdays , new babies , etc . They become lifelong friends ! Today 's Terri 's Tibit : We became grandparents again last night at 6 : 57 pm , when our newest granddaughter was born . Joleyna MaeEllen was 8 lbs 1 oz and 19 3 / 4 inches long . She is an absolutely beautiful baby and all are doing well ! Congrats Stephanie ( my daughter ) , Bobby and big sister Hannah ! We love you ! Honeymoon High Jinks Clara Jean Garrison became Mrs . James V . Hatch on September 14 , 1956 , in the Minister 's Parsonage of Culdee Presbyterian Church . She wore a beautiful dress , hat and white gloves and Dad was decked out in a very sharp looking suit . Both sets of parents were in attendance along with numerous other family members . After the wedding , they set out for their honeymoon to the mountains in western North Carolina , ready to start their life together . Wedding Day , September 1956 After they had left , Clara Jean 's brother Fred realized he had their luggage in his car . He realized it too late , however , to catch the happy couple , as they were already way down the road . He was in a state of panic that the newlyweds would not have the stuff they needed for their trip . He tried everything to get the bags to my parents , even contacting the local law enforcement , but to no avail . No worries though . Dad said it was not a problem because they had all they really needed for their honeymoon . They toured the mountains , a Cherokee Indian Reservation and went to visit one of Clara Jean 's sisters , during their time away . Knowing that dad would have to leave when they got home , probably made the trip seem shorter than ever . Several days into the honeymoon they were driving along and there was this horrible odor emanating throughout the car . They had noticed it a little along the way but now it had gotten much more pungent . Dad is looking at mom and mom is looking at dad , wondering what or who was making the smell . Awkward ! They finally figured it out that it wasn 't either of them , so they pulled off the road and went through the car and discovered an open can of sardines under the rug , beneath one of the seats . One of their relatives or friends had placed it there as a joke . It took a while to get the odor out but the thought of it made them laugh whenever it came up , even years later . After they returned home , dad headed to South Dakota and mom stayed in North Carolina to finish school . At Christmas of that year , she headed up to join him in the frigid Rapid City weather . They began their life together a long way from North Carolina , a long way from home , a long way from family . A little over a year later , the first of their three children arrived in this world . Me ! My mom had a very hard pregnancy . She was sick for many months and lost a lot of weight , which she couldn 't afford to lose . I was born on January 6 , 1958 at St . John 's Hospital , there in Rapid City . Years later , the hospital was converted into apartments . Our family went through Rapid City when I was 16 to see the town , Mount Rushmore and the hospital I was born in . I asked my dad about the day I was born and he said , " We did not live far from the hospital . We had made several dry runs to time it , see how long it took , etc . The night your mom 's water broke , we got up , got dressed , got her bag , got in the car and drove right past the hospital … we laughed about that for years . In those days you could not go in the room for delivery … I got word of your birth then took off to see you . " Our little family lived in an apartment , which used to be part of a local motel . It sat on the outskirts of town , on the road to the airport . It is still there today . I have pictures from back then with my mom and I , and outside of the change in color , it looks very much the same . I don 't remember anything about our stay in South Dakota because I was still very little and we weren 't there long after I was born . As was typical of Air Force families at that time , we were off to a new base long before we had the chance to put down too many roots . However , I do know that while there , Rev . Rew Walz baptized me at First Presbyterian Church . Right after I was born he typed me a note and placed it inside a tiny white bible that he gave me . I still have both to this day . It wasn 't long and we moved to Goldsboro , North Carolina . My dad was transferred to Seymour Johnson Air Force Base and on April 15 , 1959 , my brother Kevin came into this world . We are 15 months apart in age . He was my best friend and what one didn 't think of , the other did . We had many exciting adventures as kids , much to my parent 's chagrin . I 'll share more on our escapades later . This was a great place to go after being all the way out in South Dakota . Mom and dad were close to home again . Our house was on Luftberry Drive and when I went looking for that address on Google Earth , it looks like the houses of that time have been torn down and new ones constructed . The house was a Capehart home , which was typical military housing on several of the bases we lived on . If any of them are still standing , they are very old . Kevin , too , knew little of his birthplace , as we were off to Elmendorf AFB , Anchorage , Alaska , long before he was able to remember Goldsboro . Moving to Alaska would once again take us a long way from Pinehurst / Southern Pines , North Carolina and to another very cold climate ! Would we like it ? Terri 's Tidbit for Today : I really like my Amazon Prime ! With the Prime membership , you can get free two day shipping ( I used an option where you could take a longer delivery time , still free , and got a $ 1 . 00 credit towards a book ) , you get great music you can listen to , you can watch lots of instant videos and I learned today that if you buy something from Amazon and they drop the price within a week , you can contact them and depending on what you bought , they may credit you the difference . Because I have family all over the US , I really benefit from the free shipping but I love all the other features too . Posted by The Hatch family has been a military family for many generations . Over the years , we had heard some talk of having ancestors who had fought both in the American Revolution and the Civil War . I decided to start looking for the allusive family member who was the American Revolutionist . After much genealogical research , I discovered that my fourth great grandfather , Alexander Hatch , had served in that war and through him , I was eligible to be a Daughter of the American Revolution ( DAR ) . I applied last fall , was accepted and was inducted into the George W . Kendall Chapter in Boerne , in February . Now I will have to begin my search for the ancestor who fought in the Civil War . My dad 's uncles served in World War II and his Uncle Lawton was a Prisoner of War in Stalag 9B in Bad Orb , Germany , about 30 miles from Frankfurt . After he was captured , he and the rest of his group were forced to march for two days , moving towards their place of imprisonment . During that time , they were only given a little piece of hardtack to eat . They ate snow to stay hydrated . They continued to the next point , where they were put in a boxcar for a four - day ride . Sixty men were crammed into the car , which comfortably fit only 25 . At one point they were in the rail yards and the RAF came over and bombed the area . They were locked into the car and basically , left to die . He ended up at Stalag 9B . This particular camp was known as one of the worst Prisoner of War Camps that held American POW 's . It also held Italians , French , Serbians and Russians . Uncle Lawton said the conditions were horrible . There were windows but many of them did not have glass , and there was no heat . The food was the worst and he lost 30 pounds while in confinement . During this time , he and the others heard very little about what was going on with the war . But eventually , some British soldiers came to the camp . They had some way of finding out information , so they kept the troops up to date on what was happening . They were eventually liberated , but Uncle Lawton wasn 't clear on the details of how all that happened . He came home , spent a few days processing out and then was allowed to go home to his family . An experience he would never forget . My Grandpa Hatch wanted to serve in the military , but for health reasons he was not able to . So he did the next best thing . He became a Civil Service Fireman at Pope Field , which made him feel he was part of something important . He was also a volunteer fireman , for years , in Southern Pines , North Carolina . My dad , James Vernon Hatch , was career Air Force but if he had not been pressured by a buddy , I wonder if he would have joined at all . In another one of those " things I never knew " scenarios , IToday 's Terri 's Tidbit : There is an app you can download that can help you raise funds for your favorite school . It is called Shoparoo . You simply download it , choose your school , take a picture of your receipts from a grocery retailer and points will be given that will earn them money . Receipts from stores other than a grocery retailer are entered into a monthly drawing for $ 1 , 000 that goes to a randomly selected , registered school . Lots of parents , grandparents and friends are taking advantage of this easy way to raise funds . Check it out here and start helping your favorite school now ! Jimmy Hatch was the class clown . For anyone that has known my dad over the years , I suspect that doesn 't come as a surprise . He has always had a great sense of humor and has never known a stranger . He had lots of great friends growing up . Even after all these years , he still tries to keep in touch with several of the really close ones . James Vernon Hatch One of his friends from school , went on to be the North Carolina Boy 's Champion Tennis player , in spite of some injuries he suffered in an auto accident . Another friend opened a coffee shop in Washington DC . It was one of the early beatnik hangouts that became famous . He knew Penny Fuller , although she was younger , who went on to become an actress and another classmate became a famous artist . His graduating class had 33 people . Sadly , only a small portion of them are still here today . When my dad was a kid he hung out with his cousin David Johnson . They would get together and act out some of the old Western movies , where the Cowboys and Indians would fight each other . One of them would be up in a tree and the other would pretend to shoot him and he would fall out of it , just like the actors did . I always thought that they were lucky to not have killed themselves from the fall . Dad played JV football until the day he got shot in the leg . What ? ? No Cowboys and Indians here . He was out at a farm , hunting with a friend , when they got separated . His friend saw some movement through the trees and thought it was a squirrel and fired a shot … right into my dad 's leg . That friend has since passed away but there were never any hard feelings between the two , and their friendship endured to the end . Dad still has a big ole scar but it has never seemed to bother his gait . Jimmy took all the required courses in school but his favorites were band and drama . He emceed the Junior / Senior proms , had the lead in the class play , played in the band at school , sang in a trio , and had a little band of his own with friends , called the Downbeats . He loved all these fun things and although he hated to study , he did graduate in 1954 . Jimmy Hatch is on the second row , second from the left . His favorite teacher was Billy Williams , who he had for homeroom , chemistry , and biology . She was also in charge of the proms . He said she was a great teacher , pushed him along , encouraged him to study ( which was not something he wanted to do ) but she would also let him get away with murder . He said they used to call her " Bat Cave " , ( not to her face however ) , because she was from Bat Cave , North Carolina . Funny how certain teachers make a long term impact on your life . I have a few of those myself ! One of dad 's favorite memories is of Christmas . His mother would go all out . There would be lots of decorations , carols on the radio , and a bunch of presents . He said that being an only child , they spoiled him rotten . His mom always made fruitcakes during the holidays , too , just like my mom 's mother . During the war years his mother 's job at the telephone company was considered essential to the war effort . She had to work many nights and weekends , so her time at home was precious . Dad 's Grandma Hatch took care of him a lot during those times and he was crazy about her . Even though she would have to get a switch to him once in awhile , he still thought she was a wonderful lady . He remembers a time when they lived in Wilson , North Carolina , that they went to the Annual Tobacco Festival . There was a parade during these festivals . This particular year , Ava Gardner and Mickey Rooney were in that parade . Ava was from a town nearby and at the time , her and Mickey were dating . Dad said that his mom , Ola Mae , was beside herself because she was getting to see them . A wonderful memory for both her and my dad . Dad 's first job was at the Modern Market , working for Walter Emmett Blue , better known as W . E . He stocked shelves , took out groceries , swept floors , etc . He also worked as an apprentice electrician , at a radio station as a sports announcer , and for the water department cleaning and repairing water meters . He said his favorite job was the radio announcer because " you were somebody " . He got a lot of attention from that job . He also wrote the football coverage for the local paper and that got him a lot of added kudos . He loved his job at the Modern Market , too , and they promised him a raise to $ 100 a week if he would not go into the Air Force . I don 't think he ever got that raise … Today 's Terri 's Tidbit : Do you use Ebates ? If you order anything online , go to the Ebates site and order through them and a lot of stores will give you a percentage of your total back . See their website here . If you have a Tidbit that you think is worthy of sharing , just leave me a comment and I will try to work it into a future blog . Posted by James Vernon Hatch , my father , was best friends with Jimmy Barber , my mom 's boyfriend , who died on her sixteenth birthday . Dad knew mom before this happened , not only through Jimmy but also through a mutual friend . Dad had dated one of mom 's good friends , Martha , for three years . So it was only natural that he would stop by to give his condolences to my mom , after Jimmy passed away . Dad was grieving . When the accident happened , Jimmy was away at school and dad was in basic training for the Air Force , in San Antonio . No one wanted to tell him about the accident because they knew how upset he would be . When he got home , he went to see my mom . She knew the pain he was experiencing . After that , my dad was off to Wyoming for Tech School and they talked on the phone several times . He told me that she wrote him everyday and signed the letters , " Your little sister " . He returned to North Carolina later in 1955 with orders to go to Saudi Arabia and they started dating . They dated almost every night before he left . He got to Saudi and decided he wanted to spend the rest of his life with mom . So he bought a ring , sent it to his parent 's house with a note asking her to marry him . His mom and dad , Ola Mae and Plinny Hatch , had mom over for dinner and during the evening , gave her the note and the ring . They got married in September 1956 . Until two weeks ago , I had no idea that this is how my dad proposed . I never thought to ask . I am very blessed to still have dad around and am now taking time to ask him questions about his growing up years . Something I should have done with my mom . He was more than willing to help me out in my quest to find out more about our family . Here are some of the things I learned . Little Jimmy Hatch was a personable kid . He was an only child and grew up in several different places . He was born in Charlotte , NC on November 13 , 1935 . The family didn 't live there long before they moved to the town of Wilson , Wilson County , NC , and lived there for about 4 years . They may have lived in Whiteville His mother , Ola Mae Marley was born in Lee County , North Carolina on May 10 , 1907 to James Rupert and Bessie Frieda Thomas Marley . She graduated from Goldston High School in 1925 . Two years prior to that , her and her sister went to work for a small independent telephone office . Her sister , the only other operator , worked the day shift from 7 a . m . to 4 p . m . and Ola Mae worked the 4 to 9 : 00 p . m . In an interview for the Sandhill Citizen Newspaper on May 13 , 1971 , she said , " Our equipment consisted of a one - position switchboard . When you received a call ( which wasn 't often ) there was a little buzz , and a little lid affair opened and when you answered , this would close . To ring a number , you had to turn a crank . " [ 1 ] When I was in college , I worked the switchboard at the dorm I lived in . When I first started working there , they still had the old PBX system where you plugged in to the different switches and manually rang the phones . I loved that job and could see why my grandma enjoyed it for so many years . Thank goodness , though , we have come a long way with our telephones . In 1927 her parents moved to Sanford so she boarded with a local Goldston family , continuing to work . Later that year , Central Carolina Company bought their office . Ola said , " I was bought along with it and moved to Siler City . " [ 2 ] Her sister moved to Southern Pines , NC and liked it , so she convinced Ola to move there too , in 1930 . They were putting the phone systems into Pinehurst and it kept her busy , which she liked . She stayed there until her marriage to Plinny Vernon Hatch on April 23 , 1933 . They moved several places with Plinny 's job but were in Charlotte in November of 1935 , when my dad was born . They moved back to Southern Pines in 1939 and one of the employees at the telephone company went to Plinny 's job to sound him out as to whether he thought Ola might return to work . She thought about it and decided she could do the job and still not be away from her son too much . In 1945 , just six years after starting in that office , sheGrandpa and Grandma Hatch at her retirement party . She had many plans for her retirement . Her and my grandpa had bought a house three years before and she was looking forward to working in the garden and spending time with friends . Her memories of working for the telephone company inspired her to write a little poem . Here is what she wrote : The telephone girls in the days of oldHad the number to crank and the mouthpiece to hold . They 'd wade through ice or sleet or snow - Their job was important , as we all should know . She worked through tears , she worked through smiles , She connected voices for many miles . My Grandma , Ola Mae , was known for her smile . And if you really wanted to see her light up , just be around when her son would walk into the room . The Air Force had kept my family a long way from North Carolina , so every moment that she was able to spend with him was precious to her . She loved her son and said numerous times ( even in the newspapers ) how proud she was of his service in the military . She always looked forward to having him home . Today 's Terri 's Tidbit : If you shop at Walmart , you need to download their Savings Catcher app . It has the ability to scan your shopping receipt , check local prices to see if something was cheaper elsewhere and if so , they credit you the amount . Instead of running from store to store to get the best price , it does the work for you and you get money back , if their competitor has a better price . [ 1 ] [ 2 ] Nicholson , V . ( 1971 , May 13 ) . Mrs . Ola Hatch Retires From Telephone Work After Many Years . The Sandhill Citizen , p . 3 Being an Air Force wife is not an easy job . You pick up your family and everything in your home and move it , lots ! From the time my mom married my dad on September 14 , 1956 , until she passed away , she moved at least twelve times . Some of those moves may have been in the same town where we moved from an apartment to a house . Her final move was to San Antonio in 1981 . Considering that some people never leave their original homes , twelve times in 25 years is a lot of moves . Clara Jean Garrison Hatch knew how to pack . She had the moves down to a fine science . Since we were limited on weight by the movers , it was also a time to purge unwanted / unneeded items . The first move in my mom 's life was from the hospital in Pinehurst , North Carolina to her parent 's home in West End , just a few miles down the road . Mom was born on February 10 , 1939 . She was one of the first of her family to be born in a hospital . Very early in her life , she was nicknamed " Tukie " and was referred to that even later in life . When she would return home , her family called her Clara Jean or Tukie but the military friends she made with each move , always called her Jean . I wish I had thought to ask why she dropped the Clara . Being the youngest of 12 and only one of four girls , I suspect her older brothers watched her over , carefully . Many of them were quite a bit older . The first born , Ira Paul , was 25 years older . That is a whole generation difference in age . The next oldest brother , Albert Hamilton Jr . , 22 years older , was married and already had a son , Charles , who was born two years before mom . A niece and nephew were actually in the same grade with her , for all their years of school . That would be odd to be in elementary school and have someone call you Aunt Clara Jean . Mom 's Baby Doll Unfortunately , I don 't know a lot about mom 's early years , except what I can glean from a box of her " special treasures " that she left behind . Buried inside were so many surprises ; many fun things I had never seen before . One was this little doll . ShMy mom , Clara Jean Garrison , is sixth from the left . The box also had lots of memorabilia from high school and her early years of marriage . She had numerous newspaper clippings of her friends , classmates , sports events and boyfriends . Mom was very active in high school . She belonged to the Future Homemakers and Beta Clubs . She attended many of the school 's athletic events . I found one of her punch cards for the home football games in 1955 . All the games were punched . She was on the Pinehurst High School basketball team and from what everyone says , she was a very good player . She loved the sport . In fact , she received her letter for playing on the team . ( see picture below ) She was always an athlete . Later in life she tried her hand at golf and was hooked right away . One of mom 's boyfriends in high school was James A . Barber , Jr . who went to the rival high school in Southern Pines . Jimmy was a very talented athlete , playing both baseball and basketball . After graduating from high school , he went on to State College in Raleigh . On my mom 's sixteenth birthday , Jimmy had just finished one of his sport 's practices , fell while taking a shower and was found by classmates a few minutes later . They called for the doctor but he did not survive . As a child , he had a heart condition . That had to be an awful time for his loved ones and friends . Mom rarely talked about this event but she kept many of the obituaries from his death in her treasure box . Thank goodness he had a best friend by the name of James " Jimmy " Hatch . Today 's Terri 's Tidbit : Some time ago I discovered the website www . retailmenot . com In fact , I think my brother Kevin told me about it . Any time I am going to a store or ordering something online , I go to this site to see if they have any coupons or coupon codes I can use . Many stores are now using retailmenot . com to list their current specials . I was at the local shopping center the other day and they had banners all around reminding you to check them out before you bought anything in a store . You can get some great savings . Click here to see their website . Posted by There have been many events in my life that have brought to the forefront just how short life really is . On August 21 , 1991 two events happened that changed my life forever . That was the day my mom , Clara Jean Garrison Hatch , passed away . Albert and Mittie 's youngest child died at the early age of 52 . That same day , the next youngest daughter , my Aunt Betty , also died . Both involved in a horrible auto accident , just a couple days after attending one of their Garrison family reunions . Aunt Betty and my mom , Clara Jean With the realization of how quickly our loved ones can leave us , I set out on a mission to dig deeper , to find more information pertaining to my family 's history . Many years ago , my father encouraged me to do genealogy , so I have been researching all sides of my family for some time . As I have gotten further into it , I see that for a large part of that time it had really been somewhat of a superficial search . Now that I have a little more time , it has become a bigger priority to figure out " from whence I came . " Searching for ancestors is fun ! Is it easy ? Think for a moment , if you will , about a jigsaw puzzle . When you dump out all the pieces of the puzzle on the table , it looks like a big jumbled mess . That is kind of what it feels like when you first start doing your family history . But just like when doing a puzzle , you find a piece , and then you find one that attaches to it , and another , and another and pretty soon , you start to see a little piece of the picture . The more you do , the clearer the picture becomes . It 's a lot like that when doing research on your ancestors . You find a clue here and there on your family member and pretty soon , you start to see what they were like , you get to know more about them , they start to become a real person , a member of your family . I 've been doing research on the Garrison side of my family tree , and I haven 't been able to get any further than John Wesley Garrison , my Great Great Grandfather . No matter how hard I have tried , I keep hitting that proverbial brick wall . However , I do know a few things about him . He was born in 1832 and died in 1911 . He lived in the Rowan and Davidson County , North Carolina area and although not verified yet , we think he was married to Mary Ann Mathis . He is buried in Abbott 's Creek Primitive Baptist Cemetery in Wallburg , Davidson County , NC . Have you heard of this family ? I would love to hear from you if you have . I recently joined the Garrison DNA Project and they already have someone in their system that is a descendant of John Wesley , so they are hopeful that eventually we can find and verify his parents and other ancestors . Every little bit of information leads you down a path that could be the exact one you need to be on . But I will tell you , I have been down a lot of rabbit holes too , thinking I was on the right track , only to find after hours of research , that I wasn 't . But you just press on and within no time you have another piece of that jigsaw puzzle in place , making even the wasted time seem worthwhile . Are you looking into your fPosted by |
Daniel skipped through the door , a couple people that worked for her following him with a dress bag and cases of make up . Arabella looked around in shock as Daniel skipped over to her and hugged her tightly " Ties that . . what ? " she asked , totally flustered . She looked up at Hunter . " What ? Oh ! Nothing . . nothing " Hunter said awkwardly and took a step back , his cheeks slightly pink . Arabella looked up at Daniel as he looked her up and down . " You are a beautiful girl , Hunnie , but we are going to do a lot of work " Daniel said with a twinkle in his eyes " Come on , let 's go to the bathroom . Everyone can set up while we get you clean " he finished , pulling Arabella to her feet and steering her out of the living room . Arabella looked back at Hunter with wide , stunned eyes . She looked at Daniel as he pushed her away from Hunter and into the bathroom . He closed the door and looked through the cupboard for towels for Arabella " What happened to all of your towels ? " he muttered to himself " Danny , I don 't know if I can go to this thing . I probably won 't even win " Arabella said quietly , nervously covering her wrist with her hand " Can 't I just stay home tonight ? " " You 're full of crap , Hunnie . You are so going to win this and if you don 't go , you 're going to regret it . Alexander Wang has nothing on you " Daniel said with a smile " Okay , turn around " he told her and she sighed , turning so that her back was towards him . He unzipped her dress and turned so his back was towards her " Get in the shower , I 'll wait " " You really suck , you know that ? " Arabella muttered but she slipped out of her dress and stepped into the shower , pulling the curtain closed . For the first time , she noticed that the bathroom was clean . Hunter must have cleaned it all up . She took a shaky breath and leaned against the wall , turning the shower on . Arabella looked down at the tub and nearly broke down right then and there . She could remember the feeling of her life slowly ebbing away like it was happening to her right then . Arabella closed her eyes , trying to focus on the water hitting her body . " Are you going to tell me why you have a scar on your wrist ? " Daniel asked and Arabella looked at the curtain . He had noticed . Arabella took a breath and she shook her head , even though he couldn 't see her . " No . I 'm not talking about it " Arabella said simply , washing her hair . It seemed like it had been so long since she had really taken care of herself . She didn 't know how tonight was going to go , but with any luck , everything would be fine . " What about you and Hunter ? " Daniel asked her and Arabella could hear the smirk on his face . She rolled her eyes and saw Daniel 's hand in the shower with a bottle of conditioner " Use this . It 's a special shampoo for blond hair " he told her . Arabella took the conditioner and squirted some into her hand . " There is nothing to say " Arabella said eventually and Daniel laughed . She rolled her eyes and stuck her head out of the shower " Pass me a towel , would you ? And shut up " she said and grabbed the towel out of his hands . Arabella wrapped it around herself and climbed out of the shower . Daniel smiled at her and took her by the shoulders , pushing her out of the bathroom . Daniel pushed her to her room and closed the door . " Put some clothes on then meet us in the living room , Missy ! " Daniel called to her and walked away . Arabella sighed and pulled on a pair of sweat pants and a tee shirt . All she really wanted to do that night was stay home with Hunter . Curl up on the couch and try to forget about what happened . She looked down at her wrist and closed her eyes . Arabella pulled a sweater on and tugging the sleeves down so that they almost covered her hands and walked out of her room and down the hall nervously . She looked around the room for Hunter . She felt like she was about to float away but Hunter was the rock that was holding her to the ground . Finally , she found him and she gave him a slightly nervous look . Hunter gave her a reassuring smile as Daniel pushed towards the middle of the room . Luckily , Daniel didn 't bring too many people over . Just a few people that worked closely with Arabella . She didn 't really want to see people that she wasn 't close to . Daniel pushed her into a chair and started working on her hair right away . Daniel looked over at Hunter and smirked at him . " Hunter , are you going to help at all or are you going to sit in the corner and watch ? " he asked and Hunter stood up " Just hold this " Daniel said and put the braid in Hunter 's hand . Hunter looked down at Arabella and she put a little smile on her face for him . It wasn 't long before Arabella 's hair was done . Daniel took the dress bag from a woman and held it up for Arabella " I hope that this is everything you wanted it to be " he said to Arabella and he pulled the delicate dress out of the bag . Arabella looked at it and gasped . It was her own design . A dress that had been inspired by her mom and the time that she had spent with her . Arabella let the soft pink fabric run over her fingers and she looked up at Daniel . " You made my dress " Arabella said softly , in awe of how beautiful it was . Daniel nodded and smiled proudly . " Yes , we did . It should fit you perfectly " Daniel said then pushed her towards the bedroom , holding the dress in one hand . He quickly had Arabella changed into the dress and it looked almost perfect on her . The only problem was that it was a little loose on her . Daniel and Arabella stepped out of the bedroom and walked down the hall . Everyone from her team was complimenting her but Arabella only cared about Hunter 's thoughts . He looked at her with a slightly stunned look on his face and Arabella could really tell what he was thinking . " Yes , yes . . she 's beautiful , you want to jump her bones . . blah , blah , blah . We have work to do ! " Daniel said and pushed Arabella to the middle of the room where the rest of her team was waiting . As soon as she stood still , they started working on her , fixing her make up and touching up her hair and taking in her dress . In a flurry of movement , the dress was done and Arabella was standing in the middle of the room , starting to look like herself again . The girls that we working on Arabella each said goodbye and hugged Arabella tightly before walking out to take all of their supplies to the car . They left Arabella alone with Daniel and Hunter . Arabella looked up at Hunter who was still looking at her like she was made of gold or something . Daniel started to work on Arabella 's hair , fixing little things here and there and finishing it up . Arabella looked up at Hunter and took a deep breath " So , Hunter ? I uhm , I was thinking about this show and I uh , I don 't really want to go alone " Arabella stammered " It 's just . . you know , big event and all that and I uhm , I was just wondering . . " " She wants you to go to the show with her as her date " Daniel sighed , looking at Hunter with a raised eyebrow . Arabella blushed a deep red but she looked up at Hunter with pleading eyes . She really didn 't want to be alone but she would rather go alone then with someone who wasn 't Hunter . He looked down at her and their eyes connected for a second . " Yeah , of course " Hunter told her , keeping his eyes locked with hers . The butterflies in Arabella 's stomach went wild . She smiled up at him , a real smile and she felt herself relax a little bit more . " Now we need to get you a suit , Hunter . Or you could just go naked . I would be okay with that " Daniel said and winked at Hunter . Arabella giggled when she saw Hunter shudder . The award show went by in a blur . One minute she was leaving her apartment , next minute she was on the red carpet . When they called her name saying that she had won , Arabella thought that she might faint . It felt like it had only been 20 minutes when she was back on the red carpet , walking towards her limo with Hunter 's arm around her . She was tired and worn out . Emotionally drained . But she was looking forward to curling up on the couch with Hunter and a cup of noodles . Arabella was happy that she went an entire night without having one person ask her about the chair out the window thing . Suddenly , they were surrounded and Hunter 's arm pulled her closer to him protectively . Cameras were going off everywhere Arabella looked and all she heard were people yelling questions at her . They kept walking , Hunter holding her close to him . But then someone had stood in front of them , blocking their way . He held a video camera and he was right in her face , not letting her get around him to their car . He was shouting questions at her " Arabella ? Is it true that you 're suicidal ? " Arabella looked at him and froze . She wanted to break down right there . Her legs felt weak under her . He kept asking her questions " Have you ever tried to kill yourself before ? Would you ever consider it ? " he asked . Arabella felt like the world was spinning . Her arm started throbbing and she was overcome with an urge to slice through her skin again . Her breaths were shorter and quicker and her heart sped up . Arabella leaned into Hunter , feeling dizzy . She was having a panic attack . The man with the camera didn 't stop though and when they tried to push past him , he grabbed Arabella 's arm , the one that she had cut and tried to pull her back to him . Arabella let out a little yell of surprise . Hunter then did something that she would never have expected him to do . Something she wasn 't sure about . Something that she didn 't know whether to be thankful or angry . Hunter punched the man . Right in the face . The man stumbled backwards and fell . Before Arabella could respond , Hunter had his arm around her and was pulling her into the limo . Once the doors were closed , Arabella broke down , curling up to Hunter 's side and sobbing . His body was tense with anger and he looked livid but when she leaned into him , his expression softened and he wrapped his arms around her . Arabella but her head in her hands and sobbed , her entire body shaking . " Shh , you 're okay " Hunter soothed , rubbing her back gently . Arabella couldn 't believe that this was happening to her . She was never that girl . The emotional one that broke down at a single word . She was strong and fierce and confidant in who she was . But now she felt like a total mess . They parked outside of Arabella 's apartment and Hunter helped her into the elevator . She felt so weak and tired and sore . She needed to lean on him the whole way . Once they got inside , Arabella stumbled in and kicked off her shoes . All she could think of was her sweat pants , her Camp Half Blood shirt and Breakfast at Tiffany 's . As she walked towards her room , she pressed the button on the answering machine when she saw the flashing number . The voice that came out of it made her freeze in her tracks and look back at Hunter with a shocked look on her face . " This message is for Hunter Reed . My name is Elliot Benson and I 'm a lawyer . I need you to call me back as soon as you can . It 's about your parents . Thank you " Hunter woke up that morning really early . For the first few hours , he looked at her . He just looked at her . She had dark circles under her eyes and her face was pale . He long flowing blonde hair was a tangled mess and it seemed darker , less like gold . She had lost a good amount of weight and looked absolutely ill . He imagined this is how he looked when he showed up at her office , what felt like months ago . He rubbed her arm gently as she slept and quietly hummed a lullaby he had learned some time ago . " Ύπνε μου , επάρε μού το κι άμε το στα περβόλια και την ποδιά του γέμισε τριαντάφυλλα και ρόδα . " He sang quietly . He didn 't remember when he had heard it , but it had been with him since he could remember . It translated into something with roses and gardens , but he didn 't like it for its lyrics . She let out a soft moan as she rolled to her other side and sleeping soundly . Hunter gently moved his arm out from under her and cautiously got out of bed . He quietly stepped out of the room and closed the door behind him . He figured that she would be awake soon and she needed breakfast . " Let 's get going . " He said quietly to himself as he walked into the kitchen . He sighed at the appearance of the room . He felt his chest ache at the anxiety of the feeling that she was dead . He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before putting the kitchen back in order . After that was sorted , he started on breakfast . He cut up some fruit and put it in a a tupperware container . He sprinkled on sugar and shook it up . He walked out of the kitchen and neared the bathroom . It needed to be cleaned . This needed to never happen . He walked in and drained the tub before taking some towels and soaking up as much water as he could he dropped the wet towels into a hamper and grabbed a mop and a bucket . He cleaned the bathroom as best he could and by the end it looked good enough . You couldn 't tell anything happened unless , you already knew . He walked back into the kitchen and took out the eggs and some other breakfast food items . He quickly cooked it and put it on a tray with a cup of coffee and the fruit he prepared . He heard some quiet movement from inside her room and smiled softly . He picked up the tray and walked in . " I hope I put enough sugar in the coffee . " He said with a smile . She looked at him like she had seen a ghost . He walked over and set the tray down on her bed before sitting down next to her . " How 'd you sleep ? " He asked her with a small smile . " Best sleep I 've gotten in a while . " She said , taking another sip of coffee and picking at the fruit . Hunter honestly felt the same . He didn 't sleep much when he was with Philippa or when he was on the street again . It felt good to finally sleep again . Especially next to her . He watched her pick through her breakfast before her eyes landed on her calendar . They widened and a sense of panic entered her face . " What is it , Ellie ? Are you okay ? " Hunter asked quietly . She stood up with weak legs that looked like they would buckle under her . Hunter sat on the edge of the bed just in case she fell . " Oh . . . no . No , no , no , no , no . " She said with her head in the closet . She finally stepped out and put her forehead against the wall . " Dammit ! " Hunter stood up and walked toward her . He was tempted to wrap his arms around her and put her back in bed . " Ellie , what 's wrong ? " He said awkwardly shifting from one foot to another . He grabbed his hand behind his back and looked up at her . She turned around and looked at him against the wall . She took a deep breath . " Tonight is the CFDA awards . It 's like the Oscars of the fashion world and I 'm supposed to go because I 'm nominated for Womanswear Designer of the Year . " She said with a sigh . Hunter smiled at her . " I have nothing to wear ! I need to have a red carpet dress and I need my hair and make up to be just right and I 'm not ready for it at all . I totally forgot about it . " She let a groan . She tries to commit suicide one minute and it seems like not having something to wear is the bigger crisis . He smiled gently and put his hand over his mouth . She smacked his arm and turned to her closet . She proceeded to scoop everything that she owned out into a pile in the middle of the room . Including underwear . Hunter blushed slightly and looked away . " I 'll , uh , I 'll get you some more coffee . " He said with a nod before leaving the room and closing the door behind him . He refilled her cup and set it down as he sat on the counter . There was a small chirp from the other room . He raised an eyebrow ad walked into the living room . He looked at the source on the table . Her phone . It chirped again and he picked it up . He examined it for a moment before sliding his finger across the screen and pressing the answer button . He held it up to his ear . " Hello ? " " Hel - Who is this ? ! Is this Chad ? ! I will go over there and I will - " A familiar voice shouted loudly into the phone . So loudly he had to pull away . " No . NO ! This is Hunter . Who 's this ? " Hunter said into the phone . He heard a gasp and a flurry of giggles . The voice returned and Hunter heard him clear his throat . Hunter finally realized who it was . " D - " " Hunter ! Hunter , this is Daniel . " Daniel said with an audible grin . Hunter sighed and rubbed his eyes with his index finger and thumb . " I was wondering if Arabella was available . " Hunter took a deep breath and looked toward her room and shook his head . " I don 't think so . She 's a little tied up in her room at the moment . " Hunter said , clearing his throat before realizing what he had said . " No , not lik - " He was interrupted by a flurry of giggles . Hunter facepalmed . " I had no idea she was into that . " Daniel said with a giggle . There was a pause where in Hunter rubbed his face and felt the short stubble on his face . Something occurred to him . " Well , I 'll let - " " Uh . . Hold on , Dan - Daniel . " Hunter said quietly . He had a feeling that he was going to regret this . " Can you do me a favor ? " He asked reluctantly . Daniel let out a small gasp . " Okay , TWO favors . One , stop calling me that . Two , there 's this award show tonight . I 'm sure you know of it . " He said clearing his throat . " I was wondering , El - Ahem . Arabella has . . . had a lot on her mind lately . Sadly , she 's a little unprepared . Would you mind coming over with an army of designers , makeup . . . people , hair stylist people , anything that you can imagine ? I really want this to go well for her . " He said quietly . There was a small pause . " I 'll really owe you one . " He said , immediately regretting it . There was a gasp and a few more giggles . " We 'll be there in about 25 minutes . " He said with a slight excitement in his voice . " Hunter , I 'm glad to see you back . " Hunter chuckled quietly . " I 'll see you soon , Hunty ! Okay , that was the last time . Bye ! " Daniel said before hanging up . Hunter , not knowing what to do , set the phone back on the table . He sat down on the couch and ran a hand through his hair . " Wow . . . This is great ! " He said with a grin before sitting back on the couch . He sat there staring at the ground for a few minutes . " I should tell her . It would be so nice to see her get a surprise . She should know though . Yeah . . . I 'll have to tell her . . . . I 'll tell her . " He said with a smile before standing up and walking toward her door . He took a quick glance back at the phone just as he heard the door open . " Hey , Hunter ? How does this one look ? " She said , walking out the door . He turned back without stopping walking and saw her pulling at the hem of her dress . He bumped into her and his hands landed on her hips . She looked up at him as her knees buckled a little . Hunter wrapped an arm around her and helped her stand up again . He immediately blushed as he walked her over to the couch and helped her sit on the couch . He finally took a few steps back and looked at her . Even with the dirty hair , the slightly bloodstained skin , the shabby clothes , and the shallow eyes , she looked beautiful . " Wow . . . You look great , Ellie . " He said with a grin . He sat down on the couch across from her and looked at her . She picked at her dress again and looked at it before shaking her head . " No . It 's not good enough . " She said with a sigh . She went to stand up and Hunter sprung up and stopped her . She looked up at him oddly . " Uh . . Just calm down a little . You 've got plenty of time before the show . It 'll be taken care of . You 'll look great . " He said with a nervous smile . " Looks like I 'm going with the surprise tactic . " He said under his breath . " Hunter , I still have to find a dress , do my makeup , do my hair , find a pair of shoes ! " She said in a stressed - out voice . Just then there was a knock on the door . Hunter laughed a little and stood up . He made his way to the door . " Ellie , it 's okay . I 've taken care of it . " He said with a grin before opening the door . Daniel walked in and looked at her . Waking up the next morning wasn 't easy . Arabella was sure that it had all been a dream . Hunter showing up would be too perfect . Maybe she was dead . Maybe she had actually died in her tub and she was now in the Underworld . But with a shock , Arabella realized that if she was in the Underworld , then she would know . So yesterday must have happened and she must have fallen asleep next to Hunter . Arabella sat up quickly , but she regretted it . She was light headed and her body ached . Her arm was throbbing and she looked down at the scar running up her arm , almost reaching her elbow . Slowly , Arabella looked around the room and saw that she was the only one in there . Hunter wasn 't there . Hunter had left her . Arabella 's heart sunk and she took deep breaths , trying to calm herself down . Everything that Hunter had said to her last night was all just a lie . He only said those things because he felt guilty . Arabella leaned back against her pillows , staring out her window with blank eyes . " I hope that I put enough sugar in the coffee " Arabella turned her head quickly to look at the door . Hunter was standing in the doorway holding a tray of scrambled eggs , toast , fruit and coffee . She let out a small sigh . He didn 't leave her . Arabella wanted to throw her arms around him and stay there . Finally , she settled herself against the pillows and tried to give him a small smile . She didn 't want him to feel guilty or sorry for her . She didn 't want him to see that she was still a mess . Arabella pulled her knees up to her chest as Hunter placed the tray by her on the bed . She picked up the coffee and took a sip " It 's perfect " she said gently and looked down at the food . Arabella wasn 't hungry , at least , she didn 't feel hungry . Arabella picked at the fruit , popping a strawberry into her mouth . " How did you sleep ? " Hunter asked Arabella in a gentle voice , sitting down on her bed . Arabella looked up at him and took a sip of her coffee , thinking it over . " Best sleep I 've gotten in a while " Arabella confessed and looked down at the tray of food . The truth was , she had slept well because she had fallen asleep with Hunter by her side . Arabella bit into another strawberry and looked down at her wrist for a brief moment before finishing off her coffee . With a sigh , she looked at the calendar by her bed and her heart nearly fell into her stomach . " What is it , Ellie ? Are you okay ? " Hunter asked her in a worried tone , seeing the look on Arabella 's face . Had that much time already gone by ? It almost seemed like yesterday she was writing that note down . Arabella slipped out of bed and even though her legs were shaky , she hurried as fast as she could over to her closet . " Oh . . . no . No , no , no , no , no " Arabella moaned , looking inside at the rows of clothes . Of course , it would be this day that she didn 't have a dress . It would be this day that she needed a fancy one the most and it wouldn 't be there . Arabella put her forehead against the wall and closed her eyes " Dammit ! " " Ellie , what 's wrong ? " Hunter said walking towards her . He sounded worried about her , like there was something really terrible and that she was going to do something stupid again . Arabella sighed and turned around so that she was looking at Hunter and leaned against the wall . " I have nothing to wear ! I need to have a red carpet dress and I need my hair and make up to be just right and I 'm not ready for it at all . I totally forgot about it " Arabella moaned and hit the back of her head against the wall lightly . Arabella looked at Hunter and he looked like he was trying to hold back a chuckle . Of course the one thing that would get Arabella out of bed and starting to move around again like a functioning human being would be the fact that she has nothing to wear . Arabella rolled her eyes , gave Hunter a smack on his arm and turned back to her closet . She started pulling out every dress , skirt and shirt that she could find . The pile on the floor got bigger and bigger and Hunter looked more and more uncomfortable as Arabella started throwing bras onto the pile . " I 'll , uh , I 'll go get you some more coffee " Hunter told her uncomfortably but Arabella didn 't acknowledge him . She was too busy trying to find something , anything that she could wear . Once Hunter had left the room and Arabella and pretty much emptied her entire closet , she sat down on the floor , looking at all of the pieces . The hardest part about trying to put together an outfit for fashion awards was that it was fashion . Everyone was going to be looking at her dress . Everyone was going to be studying her dress . Arabella let out a sigh and laid down on the pile and moaned . Why did it have to be tonight , of all nights ? Arabella searched through her clothes for a few moments and she finally found a dress that might work , if she wore it the right way . Arabella slipped into the dress that hit about mid thigh and was a basic , black bandage dress . She looked at herself in the mirror before she padded down the hall to see what Hunter thought of it . " Hey , Hunter ? How does this one look ? " Arabella asked him nervously tugging at the hem of her dress . Arabella thought that she was dreaming or maybe she was just imagining it . But she swore she could hear Hunter 's voice . He was yelling . There was pain and panic in his voice . Arabella wanted to open her eyes and tell him that it was going to be okay , that he didn 't have to feel sad or guilty . He could move on with his life , grow old with Philippa , live a wonderful life . But she couldn 't . Her body was weak and she felt herself slipping away . It was the end . It was too late for Arabella to say all of those things to Hunter , to say everything that she wanted to say to him but she had kept to herself . A small part of her felt him pulling her out of the water and placing her on the floor . After a few seconds , the small part of her that was still alive knew that he had her in his arms . She could feel his arm under her head . It was her favorite spot in the whole world . It was kind of comforting to know that Hunter was with her . He would never want her , but maybe he still cared about her . Arabella tried to open her mouth , to tell him that she was sorry , but her mouth wouldn 't move . Arabella wanted to tell him that she loved him and that she was happy , now . But then she felt Hunter put something in her mouth . It tasted like the pesto that Hunter had made for her . Slowly , it was like everything was coming back to her . She could really feel and hear things , not like they were from a distance . It was like waking up from a long sleep during the flu . Arabella 's whole body ached . Her arm throbbed and her hands stung where the glass had cut her . Suddenly , she took a deep breath , a gasp , and her eyes flew open . " Ellie . . . I - Oh , my gods ! " Hunter didn 't know what to do when he heard her start breathing again . He fed her another piece of ambrosia and she chewed on her own . " Ellie ! I can 't . . . why . . . You . . . " He held her tightly and smiled . " Thankyouthankyouthankyou . " He whispered as he lightly rocked back and forth , cradling her in his arms . " What do you need , Ellie ? I will give you anything you could ever want . Please , tell me . " Hunter said . He never wanted to let go of her again . Everything seemed brighter , louder and more real . The water and blood on her clothes and in her hair was making her shiver but the heat in Hunter 's arms and body were keeping her warm . Arabella looked up at Hunter with weak and tired eyes before letting herself fall apart in his arms . Her body went limp and she pressed her face into his body , sobbing like she had never sobbed before . She didn 't answer his question . She didn 't know if she could even work her vocal chords . All she wanted was Hunter . But how could she tell him that ? How could she tell him that the only thing she wanted was Hunter when he was going to go back to Philippa ? " I 'm sorry " she was able to whisper in a weak voice . Hunter was so happy to see her alive that he didn 't know what to say . " What are you sorry for ? You didn 't do anything wrong . " He held her closely as he fed her another piece of ambrosia . " I shouldn 't have . . . I 'm the one who should be sorry . " He kissed her lightly on the head before grabbing a towel and throwing it on top of her . He wrapped her up and rubbed her arms to try and get the blood flowing to the rest of her body . " Come on , Ellie . Let 's get you out of this water . You need to rest . " He helped her stand , but every time he let go even a little she would fall . " Come on . Up up . " He said as he lifted her up into his arms . She was so light . " Ellie . . . I 'm so sorry . Let 's put you to bed and I 'll make you something . " He said quietly . He walked into her bedroom and set her gently on her bed before helping her get out of her wet clothes and into some dry ones , without looking , of course . " Lie down . Rest . I 'll be right back . " Arabella let Hunter lift her into his arms and carry her off to her room . Part of her was angry at him . She didn 't want to live but he had stopped her from doing that . Everything was just going to get much harder now . Hunter was probably going to feel like he needed to stay with her and stay in her life , so Arabella was going to have to see Philippa . But the rest of her was sad and afraid and incredibly alone . She was sore and tired and vulnerable and the last thing she wanted was to be alone . Hunter set her down on her bed and told her that he was going to be back . She shook her head and looked at him with broken eyes , tears falling down her cheeks softly " Please don 't leave me " she whispered desperately . Hunter nodded and sat down next to her in her bed . " I won 't . I 'm never gonna leave you . " He whispered as he put an arm around her . Could he bring himself to confess his love to someone who had just tried to kill herself ? That might make her feel worse . " Ellie , I . . . " He didn 't know what to do . He always knew what to do . He always had some idea as to what to do and when he didn 't he knew where to find out what to do , but now . . . " Ellie , I 'm so sorry . " Arabella collapsed in his arms , leaning against him . She felt so small and weak . Hunter 's arms around her felt so strong and protective . Arabella closed her eyes and took shaky breaths , trying to wrap her brain around everything that had happened to her and everything that had just happened . " Don 't be sorry , please don 't be sorry " she whispered and shook her head " This is all my fault . You don 't need to feel guilty " she whispered and leaned into him more , hiding her face in his side " I didn 't mean to hurt you " Hunter shook his head and ran a few fingers through her hair . " Ellie , I don 't care . I 've been hurt plenty . What you did was nothing new , but I need to know that you 're okay . You 're the one who just tried to kill herself for Olympus ' sake . " He lightly rubbed her arms and looked at the wrist that she had cut . The bleeding had stopped and in place of the gash was a thin white scar . Without thinking , he lifted her arm and gently pressed his lips to her wrist . " You 're alive . " He whispered . Arabella watched as Hunter lifted her arm to his lips and while her skin tingled with his touch , she looked up at him " I don 't want to be " she confessed in a heart broken voice . Arabella let her arm fall out of his hand and she looked down , away from him and the look on his face . It was horrible to see the pain in his eyes . Arabella felt so tired from all of the blood loss . She felt like she could fall asleep and not wake up . " Don 't say that . " Hunter said putting a hand under her chin . He raised her face to his and lightly kissed her forehead . " Ellie , you 're . . . amazing . How could you do this to yourself and waste such a bright , beautiful , kind , and wonderful young woman like yourself ? People would miss you . Your father would miss you . Everyone at camp would miss you . Everyone at your company would miss you . " He brought her in for a hug . " I . . . would miss you . " He whispered , gently kissing the top of her head . " Oh , whatever , you 're supposed to say that " Arabella whispered , trying to wipe the tears off of her face " No one would miss me " she added in a soft whisper , more of an undertone . Like she was talking to herself . Arabella looked down at her arm before closing her eyes " I 'm not any of those things , Hunter . You don 't need to lie and say those things to me to make me feel better " Hunter was taken aback . Did she really think that he would just tell her what she wanted to hear ? How could he say what he meant and make her know that he meant it ? " Ellie , you know me better than that . " He said quietly . " Don 't you dare say that no one would miss you . I would miss you . I would miss you more and more every day after your death . Your funeral would break my heart over and over again until it was nothing . Everyday I would look at a picture of you and I would never stop missing you . " Hunter held her in a hug briefly before letting go and standing up . " If you think that no one would miss you , than what am I doing here ? I came here to tell - " He stopped himself and looked at her for a moment before clearing his throat . " I came here because I missed you . " He missed her . But he wouldn 't love her . What he had written in that note were just words . Arabella wrapped her arms around her legs , pulling them up to her chest . The moment he let go of her , she felt empty and alone . She looked up at him and bit her lip " I missed you so much , Hunter " she whispered then put her forehead on her knees . After a few seconds of silence , Arabella took a shaky breath , trying to calm herself down and regain some of her composure " You should call Philippa . I 'm sure she 's wondering where you are by now " she whispered and looked up at him . Hunter 's heart sank . Had she seen him with her ? She couldn 't have known that he wished it was her the entire time . He shook his head and looked at her . When she said she had missed him he had sat down next to her and put his arm around her again . " Philippa and I . . . we 're not . . . anymore . " He said awkwardly . Could he give the reason without saying too much ? " Ellie , I 'm all yours . " He said with a small smile before kissing her temple and gently rubbing her arm . He felt her shaky breaths in his side . She was so hurt . He didn 't want to leave her . Ever . When he said that he wasn 't with Philippa , Arabella 's heart leaped . He said that he was all hers . Arabella could stay in hunters arms forever . He made her feel warm , safe , protected . Arabella closed her eyes and let herself relax in his arms . " Everything hurts " she whispered to him and put her hand on her wrist , covering the thin scar " I 'm sorry about Chad . I didn 't know that you had written that note until it was too late " she confessed . Hunter had almost forgotten about the note . " Oh uh . . . " He said quietly . Everything had happened so quickly , he didn 't know what to say . He had written with the thinking that he might not see her again . He didn 't entirely expect to have to talk about it . " It 's okay . I don 't want to talk about Chad . If I ever see him again . . . " He didn 't know what he would do . The sound of his name made him want to break something . The sight of her crying on the couch holding her face with Chad standing over her . His fists clenched . Her dress askew . Hunter could feel his fingernails pressing into his palm . " You need to rest , Ellie . I 'll be right here . Go ahead and sleep . We can talk more once you feel better . " He said with a small smile . Arabella looked up at Hunter and nodded softly . She was so tired and weak from all of the blood she had lost . Arabella 's eyes were dry and sore from crying so much . Her whole body felt heavy . Arabella looked up at Hunter when he told her that she should sleep . She wanted to protest , to tell him that she wasn 't tired and that she wanted to talk to him now . She was afraid that once she closed her eyes , he would leave . But she was already starting to fall asleep in Hunter 's arms and she couldn 't stop it . Arabella closed her eyes , leaning into him " Thank you , Hunter . For everything " she breathed before drifting off into a light sleep . Hunter smiled gently as she fell asleep . It was about 1 in the morning and checking his watch made Hunter realize how tired he was . He gently rubbed her hair and lightly caressed the scar down her wrist . " I 'm never going to leave you , Ellie . " He whispered quietly to her before putting his head on hers and falling asleep . Hunter was sitting on the couch in Philippa 's apartment . His head leaned back and his eyes closed . In his mind , he dreamed of a small patch of grass in the woods . There was sunlight shining through the tall trees and the faint echo of birds chirping and tweeting . It was peaceful . It was quiet . He was reclining on a red blanket , leaning back on his elbows with legs outstretched in front of him . He reached over and took a sip from a glass of lemonade . It tasted fresh and sweet . He set it down and looked to his other side to see a plate with a turkey club sandwich on it . He picked it up and took a bite . The combined crunch of the bacon and the lettuce and the lightly toasted bread made him smile . " Did I do okay ? " Hunter finished chewing and looked up before swallowing . He saw the silhouette of a girl . The sunlight behind her made her blonde hair glow like gold . " It 's delicious . Much better than I could do . " Hunter said with a smile . He set it down on the plate and held out his hand after brushing crumbs off on his shorts . " Oh , please . I 'm shocked I didn 't cut my hand off . " She said with a smile . She took his hand and fell into position on the blanket next to him . She stumbled at the last minute and her hair fell and obscured her face . Hunter smiled at her as she sighed and tried to blow the hair out of her face . " Let me help . " He said as he reached a hand up and brushed a few locks behind her ear . He kissed her on the cheek before repeating the action on the other side of her face . He saw the radiant smile , he had come to love . The soft smooth skin he longed to caress . The hair he wanted to bury his face in and bask in the smell of . " Ellie , how did you get so beautiful ? " He asked with a smile , looking into her bright blue eyes that seemed to look like the ocean in the reflection of the sunlight . She giggled softly before kissing him on the nose . " Well , there 's the wrinkle cream and the facial cleanser . . . . " She said teasingly . Hunter laughed before rolling on top of her and kissing her on the lips . He could feel her hands on his back and his shoulders . Hunter had never felt happier . He broke the kiss and smiled against her lips . Suddenly , her arms slid off his body and fell to her sides . He pulled away from her and looked into her face . It was no longer perfectly tanned and full of life . It was pale , dark , sick . His hands felt warm against the red blanket . He pulled back onto his knees and looked at his hands . They were covered in blood . The red of the blanket flowed away into a pool around her body . Hunter fell backward off the blanket and watched in horror as the pool of blood grew larger and larger , flowing closer to him inch by inch . Hunter woke up with a slight start . His body was covered in a cold sweat and he could feel tears around his eyes . He was back in Philippa 's apartment . " Hunter ? You alright ? " He looked down to see Philippa looking up at him from her spot on the couch , her head on his leg . Hunter blinked a few times before nodding . " Yeah , I just . . . zoned out for a second . " He said , wiping a tear from the corner of his eye and forcing a smile across his face . He looked up to see Monsters , inc . playing on the TV . He sighed quietly , remembering back to one of his first nights with Philippa . They had watched that movie and she had fallen asleep next to him . He carried her to her bed . She looked so peaceful . " I 'll be right back . I uh . . . I need to use the restroom . " He said in the quiet tone he had gotten over with Arabella . Philippa lifted her head and sat up . " Hurry back . I don 't want you to miss the best part . ' I 'm Mike Wazowski ! ' " She said with a grin . Hunter forced a laugh and stood up . He walked to the bathroom and closed the door behind him . He shut the lid to the toilet and sat down . He took a deep breath and buried his face in his hands . He felt like garbage . " So , you 're dating a girl 's half - sister because she doesn 't want you ? Not only that , but every time she kisses you , hugs you , touches you in anyway you 're imagining it 's her half - sister . " Hunter looked over to see Imaginary Hunter laying in the bathtub . He shook his head and folded his sunglasses before putting them in the collar of his shirt . He lifted up his foot and tied the red converse shoe with a wing on the heel before setting it back down on top of his other foot . " That 's pretty low , man . " He said with a nod . " I know that . Don 't you think I know that ? That 's why I feel like crap . I 'm lying to her . " Hunter said with a sigh . He leaned back against the toilet tank . " I can 't believe that I would do this . It 's been two days . I have no feelings for her . Whatsoever . She doesn 't deserve that . She deserves to be with someone who actually wants to be with her . She liked me out of convenience and then she threw me away . " He said with a shrug . " She came back . I took her back . I 'm just a schoolgirl crush for her . I was the only guy she liked because I was the only guy she knew . " " It seems you know what you have to do then , eh ? " IH said with a shrug . He stood up and brushed off his brown leather jacket and adjusted his watch . He rubbed his pendant for good luck and smoothed it against his shirt . " Let 's go , then . You have a girl to break up with . " He said with a half - smile . Hunter nodded and stood up before walking out of the bathroom . He looked at Philippa for a brief moment before sitting down next to her . She leaned her head on his shoulder and let out a sigh . Hunter closed his eyes and took a deep breath before sliding away from her . He turned to look at her . " I 'm fine , Philippa , but I . . . I 've been lying to you . " He said quietly . She furrowed her brow and looked at him with sad eyes . " When you broke up with me , I . . . I was hurt . I had never put myself out there like that and when you broke it off , I was expecting it , but that didn 't make it hurt less . " " That 's not it . After I left camp , I thought that I would never be able to like someone like that again . That was until about 2 weeks ago . I don 't love you . I can 't love you . . . I can 't love you because I love Arabella . " He said quietly , a lump forming in his throat . He looked at her . She seemed confused and sad . " I 'm so sorry , Philippa . I didn 't want to keep lying to you and I didn 't want to keep lying to myself . I felt bad leading you on these past 2 days . . . And I didn 't want to do it anymore . If you never want to see me again , I 'll totally understand and I won 't bother you ever again . " Hunter said slowly before glancing up at her once and standing up . " Goodbye , Philippa . " He said before turning to leave . " I understand . " Hunter turned around to see her looking at him and nodding . She stood up and stepped close to him . " I was awful to you . You didn 't deserve me asking you to give up everything one second and then letting you go the next . You shouldn 't be sorry . " She said smiling softly up at him . " I should be . I 'm sorry , Hunter . I really am . " She straightened his jacket and patted him on the chest a few times before chuckling quietly . " If you still feel torn up about it , how about this ? You go find Arabella and once you two are together , you ask her to give me a job . I 'm great with hair . " She said giving him a wink and a kiss on the cheek . Hunter blinked a few times before letting a smile spread across his face . He looked down at her and hugged her . " Thank you , Philippa . " He said quietly . He broke the hug and sprinted out of the apartment . He was high on the thought of seeing her . He had a good feeling about this . He imagined himself walking in and telling her that he loved her and she would respond in kind and they would be together and they would put in a movie or they would watch TV and he would make fun of the women on The Bachelor . I would be happy and easy and simple and natural . He wouldn 't have to force happiness . He wouldn 't have to think about his words before saying them . He could be himself because that 's who she loved . In a few minutes , he was at the door of her building . He froze and looked up at her balcony where a tarp flapped in the wind due to the broken window . " Hunter ? " Hunter looked to see Tom looking at him . He was still wearing the jacket that he had given him days earlier . " Where have you been ? That jagoff Chad has been around and Ms . Foster has been miserable . " Hunter smiled slightly . He felt bad that she was miserable , but at the same time he was glad because he knew why . He smiled big before hugging Tom tightly . Tom stiffened in surprise before hugging back . " Tom , they don 't pay you enough . " Hunter said with a grin . " I 'd love to stay and chat , but I have a more pressing matter . No offense . I 'll see you around ! " with that Hunter sprinted into the building and up the stairs . After a few seconds , he was at her door . He took a deep breath and knocked . The door creaked open to a silent apartment . He raised an eyebrow . " Ellie ? You here ? ! " He asked the silence as he walked inside . He heard the faint sound of running water and smiled . He walked toward the bathroom and stood outside . " You know , you really should lock your door . " He said with a grin . No response . He looked down to see a small pool of water running from under the door . Water and . . . Oh , no . Hunter pushed open the door and looked at her in the tub . " ELLIE ! NO ! NO ! NO ! NO ! " He shouted as he hurried over and knelt down by the tub . He shut off the water and pulled her out of the water . " Why did you do this ? ! This isn 't how this was supposed to happen ! " He shouted frantically as he pulled off his jacket and used it to wrap her wrist . He cradled her limp body in his arms . Her body was cold . He felt her face . Cold . " Wake up , Ellie ! You have to wake up ! You can 't be dead ! This isn 't fair ! " He said as he patted her cheek gently . He checked her pulse . " You 're alive ! " It was incredibly faint , but it was there . " You . . . You . . . You 're a demigod ! You have to have nectar or ambrosia or something around here ! Where is it ? ! " He gently set her down and burst from the bathroom and headed straight for the kitchen . He immediately opened one of the cupboards and scooped everything out . " It needs to be here ! Somewhere ! Where is it ? ! " He shouted as he scooped everything out cupboard after cupboard . " Come on ! Come on ! " He searched frantically for the small square until he found it in the back of a cupboard behind a can of chicken noodle soup . He grabbed it and immediately tore it open , making sure not to touch it . He held it in the plastic and ran back to her . He put her head in the crook of his elbow and fed her a small piece of the square . " Come on . Come on . Come on . Be alive . Be alive . " He whispered as he held her close to his chest . Nothing . He fed her another piece and held her even tighter , tears starting to well up in his eyes again . " You didn 't even say goodbye to me . . . " He said as a tear poured over his eyelashes . He fed her another piece and held her close . He didn 't care that he was wet . He didn 't care that he had her blood all over him . He just wanted her back . There were shouts and camera shutters from the ground level of the building . Her phone was ringing off the hook . Her face was all over TMZ and Showbiz Tonight and Access Hollywood . Arabella was curled up on the couch with a blanket wrapped around her . As her phone vibrated with calls and texts and emails , Arabella turned up the volume on her movie , Some Like It Hot . All she could do was sit in her apartment . It was all she said the energy for . Her whole body felt heavy and sore . The bruises on her neck and face were throbbing , but Arabella didn 't bother trying to fix it somehow . She was sure that in the back of one of her cupboards , she still had a little baggie of ambrosia but she didn 't want to look for it . The note from Hunter was lying flat on the floor . Arabella had read it so many times , it was hard to tell that it had ever been folded . Her eyes were red from crying and her skin was pale , she looked almost sick . Hunter . Hunter . Hunter . He was the only thing running through her mind . The more she thought about him , the worse she felt . She had kicked him out . She never let him talk to her . She just shoved him out the door . If she had given him a chance then maybe he would be sitting with her right now . Arabella heard her front door open and she nearly jumped out of her skin . Chad . Arabella paused her movie and looked up in fear . But the face she saw wasn 't Chad 's . It wasn 't Hunter 's . It was Daniel . Arabella 's face softened when she saw him and she sat up . Her blond hair was a mess but she didn 't bother fixing it . Daniel walked over to her and settled himself down beside her . " Oh , Arabella . . " Daniel whispered in a sad voice , looking at her messy hair and the expression on her face . Arabella wanted to just collapse in his arms but she didn 't want him to know just how broken she was . Daniel moved so that she was closer to her and he looked through his bag , finally pulling out a hair brush and he went to work on her hair , gently pulling out the knots . Arabella turned so that he back was towards him and let him br " I 'll be fine " Arabella told him , trying to sound strong and sure that in a couple days she would be happy again . Daniel scoffed at her and Arabella could practically hear him roll his eyes . " Arabella . . you are a wreck . You look terrible . I haven 't seen you eat anything since you came back from your weekend at the beach house . You 've got a bruise on your face in the shape of a fist and bruises on your neck in the shape of finger prints . Not to mention you threw a chair out of your apartment yesterday " Daniel said and Arabella closed her eyes , feeling tears sting her eyes " Go find Hunter , Arabella . He made you the happiest and if you don 't go look for him , I will . And I can 't promise that I 'll bring that stud back to you " he said , trying to use a light tone at the end . Arabella shook her head gently . " I messed up , Danny . I messed up big time and I don 't think that he 'll ever want to talk to me again " Arabella told him " Besides , he could be anywhere . New York is huge and that 's if he even stayed in New York " she added , looking down at her lap as Daniel brushed the ends of her long hair . " You need to look for him . That boy is crazy about you . If you don 't look for him , you will regret it for the rest of your life " Daniel said softly and he hugged her tightly from behind " I love you , sis " he whispered in her ear then he stood up and walked to her door . Arabella looked up at him with sad eyes . " I 'll tell the people at work that you 're taking a couple days off and that you 're fine . Don 't come back until you 're happy again " he told her and walked out , closing the door behind him . Arabella leaned back against the couch . Daniel was right . . she needed to go find Hunter . The sun was beating on her as she sat outside of the coffee shop with a coffee and an uneaten muffin in her hands . She wore big sunglasses on her eyes , trying to hide from people . Luckily , no one stopped to ask her anything or bug her . Arabella looked around , wondering if Hunter would show up . Maybe this was a place that he went to often . Maybe he would stop to see if she was there . Arabella didn 't know but she was trying to hold on to that little bit of hope . She had already walked around the park and looked everywhere she could think of . This coffee shop was the last place that she could think of . Arabella sat there for a couple hours , watching people walk past . Sometimes she would see a dark head weaving through the crowd and her heart would skip a beat but then she would see that he wasn 't Hunter and her heart would sink down another level . Eventually , Arabella pushed herself off of her spot and started to walk home . Arabella tossed the uneaten muffin and coffee into the garbage . Daniel had been right . Arabella had hardly eaten anything since she got back from the beach house . After Hunter left , Arabella just wasn 't hungry much anymore . Then Chad had told her that she looked like she had been gaining weight and she had cut out most food all together . She wasn 't looking where she was walking . She wasn 't paying attention to anything , really . But when she looked up , Arabella was standing in an alley . There wasn 't anyone in the alley but How much time had passed ? A day ? Two days ? A week ? Time seemed to blur together for Arabella . Logically , she knew that not that much time had passed , only one night . But every hour seemed to drag on for days . Arabella didn 't sleep the past night . She spent the entire night lying on the couch and watching movies . she managed to watch the entire Harry Potter series for the first time . It was early in the afternoon now and Arabella was walking down the street . She needed to buy coffee and a couple more movies . Her hair was pulled into a bun and she didn 't bother putting makeup on , so her face was pale with dark circles under her blank eyes . Arabella didn 't spend much time in the stores . Everywhere she went had tabloid magazines with her face on the cover . Each magazine had a different story about what had happened to Arabella . They were saying that she was on drugs , that she was having a nervous breakdown , that she had gone crazy , etc . Soon enough , she was walking home with a stack of movies in a bag and a large coffee from Starbucks in the other . As she walked towards her home , she saw something that made her heart leap with joy . She felt happy for the first time in what felt like years . Arabella found him . Hunter was sitting in Central Park , looking at a water fountain . Tears of joy stung her eyes and she started to walk towards him . They could be happy now . Life could be easy again . Arabella nearly tripped over her own feet she was so excited to get to Hunter . All she wanted to do was fall into his arms and tell him that she loved him too , that she missed him and she was sorry . Hunter stood up and Arabella thought that he had seen her , that he was going to come meet her and they would hug . It would be like in the movies . But then Arabella heard giggling and saw a beautiful girl run to Hunter and wrapping her arms around his neck . Arabella caught her breath and looked at the familiar face . Philippa . Maybe they 're just friends . The hope in Arabella 's heart was fading , but it was still there . It was a small glimmer . But then she saw something that shattered whatever hope she had left . Philippa kissed Hunter . Hunter kissed her back , leaning into her . The moment she kissed Hunter , Arabella 's heart broke into a million pieces . Her whole world seemed to flip upside down and she nearly collapsed right there on the sidewalk . Her knees were weak and she felt like someone had punched her in the gut . She turned away and rubbed Hunter 's pendant , which she hadn 't taken off since she found it . He didn 't want her . He was happy with Philippa . Hunter would probably never want Arabella . He didn 't love her . Arabella started down the street towards her apartment . She didn 't cry . She was numb . She didn 't feel anything except emptiness . Arabella walked into the building and into the elevator , ignoring Tom . She made it to her apartment before she collapsed on the couch . She felt weak and tired and alone . All she wanted to do was fall asleep and never wake up . The early morning sun hit her face and Arabella moaned . She didn 't want to wake up . She didn 't want to move . Her whole body felt weak and sore . She didn 't want to do anything . Arabella pushed herself off of the couch eventually and on weak legs , she walked to the bathroom . Maybe a shower would calm her nerves . Arabella stepped into the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror . She lifted up her tank top so she could look at her stomach . Arabella was repulsed by what she saw . She let go of the shirt and looked into the reflection of her eyes . " You stupid , ugly , pathetic girl " Her Reflection said . Arabella nearly jumped out of her skin and shook her head , now she really was going crazy " Why would Hunter ever love you ? What would anyone ever love you ? You are a gross , fat piece of trash and you are going to die alone . It 's all your fault that Hunter left you . Mind you , he probably would have left even if you didn 't say all of those things to him . He would wake up one day and realize that he was with someone as terrible as you and drop you like a hot cake " the voice said harshly . Arabella shook her head more , tears pooling in her eyes . " No , that 's not true " Arabella whispered but Her Reflection cackled and and glared down at Arabella . " Not true ? You and I both know how true it is . Hunter deserves the best and you , my dear , are the farthest thing from it . You could die today and no one would notice . Not a soul would show up at your funeral . No one " Her Reflection laughed . Arabella felt in her heart that it was all true . Tears spilled down her cheeks and Arabella looked at her reflection for a moment before snapping . With a strangled scream , Arabella threw her fists against the glass . She hit it over and over and over again , not feeling the glass piercing her skin or the blood running down her arms . After a few moments , Arabella collapsed against the sink , sobbing . She hated herself . She hated what her life had become . Arabella glanced down at her cut hands and looked at the sink . It was filled with glass and blood . For some reason , the blood fascinated her . Arabella climbed into the bathtub and sat down by the facet . Gingerly , she turned on the water and let it flow over her sore hands . Maybe she was right . Maybe if she died , no one really would notice . Maybe everyone would be happier to be rid of her . Arabella looked down at the bracelet on her wrist and it seemed to read her thoughts . Without having to really think about it , the bracelet turned into a dagger . Arabella held it in her hand , turning it over in her palm . She watched how the light reflected on the sharp blade . Arabella thought about Hunter . He had taught her how to hold her dagger , how to fight with it , how to use it . Life seemed so much easier back then . But now , all she saw in her future was loneliness . Arabella didn 't see a future for herself , really . Thinking about Hunter was the most difficult thing in the world for her . She thought of his face and his smell and how she felt when he hugged her . But now , she would never know that feeling from him again . He was with Philippa . Arabella hoped that she made him happy and that he could live a happy life . Arabella glanced down at her arm and she did what felt right , what felt natural in that moment . She did the only thing that she tChapter 43 - Hunter Hunter was confused . He thought that he would go up and kick Chad out . That she would readily accept him with open arms . That they would embrace and that he would kiss her all over . She would cut Chad out of her life for the rest of her life . Hunter and she would be together forever and ever . He never would have imagined that she would kick him out of his apartment . Maybe Chad was right . Maybe she didn 't want to be with him . Maybe she was done trying with him . Hunter made his way out of the apartment and down the hall . He could feel it all sink in and he could feel the tears welling up in his eyes . The walk down the stairs , which he had done in a minute coming up , felt like days going down . Every step made his head hurt and his body ache . " What was I thinking ? I can 't . . . She doesn 't want me . She never did . " He said , finally letting tears fall down his cheeks . " Just another daughter of Aphrodite - " His voice cracked . " Another daughter of Aphrodite that broke my heart . " He said , tears pouring from his eyes . Part of him was angry . Part of him was sad . Part of him blamed himself for his stupidity . " Just like Aphrodite to lie . ' She likes you . How could you not tell ? ' because she doesn 't ! She never did ! You just get kicks from breaking my heart ! Why don 't you just kill me already ? ! " Hunter finally reached the last floor and sat in the stairwell . " This is all your fault ! What have the gods given me except trouble ? " He broke down against the wall . " I became a hunter because of YOU . I have done everything you ever asked . I saved countless of your children . I 'm not even part of the family . I have given my entire life . Everything . I have given you everything ! What do I get in return ? Pain . Anguish . Heartbreak . I lived according to what you wanted . Lived my life by your rules . All I got was pain . " He finally got up and wiped the tears away . He didn 't know where he was going to go , but he left the building . He ignored Tom 's greeting and kept walking . He put his hands in his pockets and just walked . He didn 't have a shirt . He didn 't have shoes . He didn 't have a purpose . " You don 't exist . The girl that you gave your heart , crushed it and threw it in the toilet . You don 't even have clothes on your back . " Hunter looked up to see Imaginary Hunter walking backwards in front of him , wearing his typical brown leather jacket and orange camp t - shirt . " You 're homeless and alone again . That means I 'm back . " He said , folding up his aviators and tucking them into the neck of his shirt . He spun and fell in stride with Hunter . " So , what 's your plan , then ? You gonna live outside the coffeehouse again , hoping she 'll come ? She 'll realize her feelings and accept you with open arms ? It 's not happening . Sorry , man . " " Yeah . Last time you were homeless , you sat went three days without a meal and got the crap beat out of you . " IH shook his head . " That doesn 't seem like successful homelessness . " " Just . . . shut up , would you ? I can 't focus with you talking in my ear . " Hunter said , closing his eyes and shaking his head . He had been walking for a while . For once , he wasn 't sure where he was in this city . He chalked the confusion up to his anxiety . " This is . . . I was just here . " He said quietly . He looked around . There it was . He slowly walked across the street and to the door . He stepped inside and up the stairs . He stood at the door and took a deep breath . He knocked a couple of times , so quietly he was surprised to see the door open a moment later . " Hunter ? What - " Philippa stood there in front of him with tears in her eyes . It had been hours since he turned her down . " What are you doing here ? You told me that it was too late . What do you want ? " She said bitterly . What was Hunter doing there ? She liked him . He didn 't not like her . Where 's the problem ? " Philippa , I don 't . . . " He took a deep breath and wiped his face . " Look , can I come in ? We need to talk . " She stared at him a moment before sighing and stepping out the way . " Thanks . " Hunter said as he stepped inside . He walked over and sat down on the couch . " El - " He couldn 't believe he made that mistake . " Philippa , I 'm so sorry . I thought that . . . " He took a deep breath . " I made a mistake and I realize now that I . . . " As he spoke he watched as a small smile broke across Philippa 's face . She sat down and hugged him . " Please , tell me you 're saying what I think you 're saying . " She said , burying her face into his chest . Was he ? Hunter really didn 't want to live on the street again . He liked her enough . She obviously liked him . Maybe . . . With time . . . . " Uh . . . Yeah , Philippa . I am . " He said quietly . He tried to convince himself that he wasn 't doing this just for a place to sleep . " Oh , Hunter ! I 'm so glad ! I was . . . I didn 't know what I would do if . . . " She said with a sigh . Probably the same things he thought about . She squeezed him tight and looked into his eyes before kissing him lightly on the lips . What made him feel worse was the fact that he was wishing they were Arabella 's lips on his . Arabella watched , stunned , as everything unfolded in front of her . She didn 't know how to react . She was frozen in shock . Hunter ? What was he doing ? What was happening ? Arabella looked up at him when he asked her if she was okay . She felt a wave of anger and pushed him away " What were you thinking ? ! " Arabella said , pushing him out of the way . She fixed her dress and knelt down by Chad . Arabella touched his face lightly and bit her lip " This is not good . . this is so not good " she mumbled , trying to get her phone out of her purse . Finally , her hand clasped around the small rectangle and she pulled it out , touching the numbers on the screen . Quickly , without stopping to breathe , Arabella rattled off her address to the operator and hung up the phone . Her face was starting to throb and she could feel a sharp pain on the sides of her neck where Chad had held her . Arabella knew that it was going to bruise . She let out a shaky sigh and looked up at Hunter . What was he doing in her apartment ? Why did he think that he could just leave her without saying goodbye then just suddenly show up . Her eyes narrowed and she stood up , fixing her dress . " Get out Hunter " Arabella said softly . She didn 't know why she was kicking him out . All she had wanted was to see him again but now that she was looking at him , she was angry and wanted to kick him out . Hunter looked at her with hurt and disbelieving eyes . " Ellie , I - " Hunter started but Arabella shook her head , cutting him off . " Get out of my apartment , Hunter . I 'm furious with you and if you stay , you 're going to be arrested . Leave " Arabella said , pointing to the door . Hunter just looked at her , like he was stunned and didn 't know what to say or do . His eyes were filled with worry and hurt and guilt . Hunter seemed to think over what she was saying . " Can we please just talk , Ellie ? " Hunter asked her , his voice quiet . He took a step towards her and Arabella turned away from him , tears stinging the corners of her eyes . She shook her head " NO ! We can 't just talk , Hunter ! " Arabella said , her voice raising . She saw him flinch ever so slightly , stunned by her raising her voice . Tears started to flow easily and Arabella tried to rub them off of her cheeks " I can 't talk to you , Hunter ! Not after what you did to me ! Will you please just LEAVE ! " she yelled " I can 't . . we can 't . . I can 't do this with you anymore , Hunter " she finished , not bothering to wipe her tears anymore . Hunter moved towards her , trying to pull her into a hug and Arabella shook her head , pushing him away from her . " Don 't touch me . Just leave . Please " she said in a voice that was harsher than she meant it to be . Arabella took a shaky breath , folding her arms across from her . She didn 't look at Hunter . She couldn 't . If she did then she would probably have a totaly break down in his arms and she didn 't want to do that to him . Not when she knew that he was probably just going to leave again . It seemed like forever before Hunter spoke again . " Bye , Ellie " Hunter muttered , his voice quiet and sad . Arabella looked up at him as he turned and walked out of her apartment . She tried to take a deep breath , calm herself down . She hardly had the time to process the fact that Chad had hit her . Again . She took him back , trusted him for a third time and for a third time , he hit her . Right now , however , she was focused on getting Chad out of her apartment and out of her life for good . She wasn 't going to talk to him again . Arabella also secretly hopped that Aphrodite was giving Apollo and big talking to and telling him to talk to his sons . The paramedics arrived and loaded Chad onto a stretcher , asking Arabella a few questions . She told them that Chad had been jumped in the park on the way over to her house and he showed up like that . Arabella spoke quickly to the police but she convinced them that she didn 't know much of what happened to Chad . Only that she showed up at her apartment like that . As they were taking chad out of her apartment , Arabella watched as a piece of paper fell out of Chad 's pocket and floated to the ground . She walked over , picked it up then sat down on the couch , holding it in her hands . It looked like it was worn out a little bit , like it had been folded and unfolded multiple times . Did she really want to look at it ? Arabella let out a small sigh and with shaking hands , she unfolded the paper . What she saw was not what she was expecting . It was Hunter 's hand writing and there were tear spots all over it . She gingerly held the soft paper in her hands and scanned the words . The more she read , the more tears fell . I felt that I needed to be with you , but I will have to live without you . You deserve to live a good life , Ellie . I want that for you . I hope that you and Chad are really happy together . As Arabella read on , she started shaking more . A lot of it was scratched out , but she could read all of it . Her eyes landed on the words at the bottom . Three little words that meant everything . I love you . Arabella looked at the words again , readingSobs rocked through her and Arabella leaned down , resting her forehead on her knees . Her whole body was shaking with sobs , tears pouring down her face . Arabella was so angry at herself . How could she think that Hunter actually left her ? He would never have done anything like that . How could she have gone back to Chad ? It was the same thing that he said every time that she broke up with him . He was sorry , he wasn 't going to hurt her again . . . blah , blah , blah . . lie , lie , lie . Arabella needed to stand up . There were too many thoughts in her head and she couldn 't sit still anymore . With tears still pouring down her face , Arabella stood up and started pacing around her living room . Hunter said that he loved her . Arabella kicked him out . He would never forgive her , ever . Arabella folded her arms across her chest tightly as she paced , trying to steady her breathing but nothing was working . She just kept sobbing . Arabella felt a sharp pain in her toe and she looked down to see a chair in her way . Arabella let out a frustrated sigh and tried to kick it out of her way , but it wouldn 't budge . Arabella looked down at the chair and kicked it again . It still didn 't move . Anger and guilt and sadness coursed through her body and Arabella started kicking and hitting the chair over and over and over again . She sobbed and kept hitting the chair with balled up fists . Why did this have to happen ? Why didn 't she just say something to Hunter when she had the chance ? Why did she go back to Chad ? It was all such a blur of tears and hitting and kicking . Arabella then lifted the chair , not sure why she was doing it , then threw it out of the window . It smashed the glass and fell 15 stories to the street below . Arabella stood there for a moment , taking deep breaths . But then she heard the screams and what could possibly be the worst thing . . . cameras . She stumbled to the balcony , ignoring the glass on the ground and looked over the edge . All she saw were paparazzi camera 's pointed up at her . With a sob , Arabella ran back into her apartment and sChapter 41 - Hunter Hunter walked out of Arabella 's apartment and threw himself up against the opposing wall . Tears streamed down his face as he slumped down to the ground . He genuinely hoped that no one came out . He didn 't want to interrupt anyone . After about 15 minute , he finally regained enough composure to stand back up and walk into the elevator . He leaned up against the wall and hit the button for the ground floor . He could feel tears pool in his eyes . He quickly wiped them away as the doors opened . He took a deep breath before stepping out of the elevator and walking out of the lobby . He had actually gotten used to seeing this . Kelly at the counter . Tom at the door . He had gotten used to it and now he had to leave . He was homeless again . He stepped out of the building and gave a teary nod to Tom who raised an eyebrow . " Hunter ? You doing okay ? " Tom said quietly , taking a step toward him . Hunter didn 't want to turn around . He knew that if he turned around he would cry again , but he swallowed back a few tears and turned around . " I uh . . . Yeah . Just fine . " He lied . He was upset that Arabella was with Chad , but it was what she wanted . If she was happy , he was happy . Or at least he was going to try and be happy . " You doing okay , Tom ? " He asked trying to change the subject . Tom nodded . " Oh , yes . Of course , Hunter . It 's a cold night out , but I 'm okay . " Tom said with a shrug . Hunter furrowed his brow and took off his jacket . He offered it out to Tom . " Oh , no . I couldn 't . You keep it . Surely , you 're cold to . " Hunter shook his head . " No , no . I 'm good . I 've got thick skin . I spent lots of time . . . outdoors . " Hunter said with a nod . To be honest , he was numb . He hadn 't noticed that it was cold outside or that it was even night time . He was shut off . " Just take it . " Tom reluctantly grabbed it and slipped it on . It was a little tight , but he looked warmer . " Thanks , Hunter . " Tom said , rubbing his arms . " You know ? In all the years that I 've worked here . And in all the years that Ms . Foster has lived here . I 've never seen her happier than I 've seen her in the past couple of weeks . " Tom said with a smile and a nod . Hunter closed his eyes and took a deep breath . " Goodbye , Tom . " Hunter said quietly before turning around and walking away . The tears poured again . He didn 't want to go back . Right now , he needed to get as far away as possible . After walking , what felt like hours , he laid down under an overpass and fell asleep . He woke up the next morning to a grubby - looking man , rifling through his pockets . Hunter didn 't care . He could feel the dried tears around his eyes and the pure ache you felt after a long night of crying yourself to sleep . He had never put his heart as far out as he did for Arabella . He had also never been this hurt before . Even with Philippa , they had been drifting apart for a while , so when she decided to end it , sure it hurt , but he was expecting it . He finally batted the man 's hands away and stood up . " I don 't even have anything ! Go rob someone worthwhile ! " He snapped at the man with a raised fist . The man took a few steps back before beating a hasty retreat . Sadly , he recognized him . His name was Adam and he had eaten with him at a homeless shelter , before . He felt bad for him , but if he could have given him help he would have . He shook his head and walked out from under the overpass , the only thing on his mind was Arabella . He tried to shake it from his mind , but she stayed there like cement . He checked his watch and found it to be noon . He ran through where he could get a meal at this time of day . All of the tricks and tips and tactics he had gained in all of the time he was homeless , were gone . He had imagined himself staying with Arabella for so long , that he thought it was okay to forget how to be homeless . Not only that , but his mind was elsewhere . He stood there alone , wishing that she were there . The only thing he had to look forward to was going to the coffee shop and hoping that she might be kind enough to buy him something . Even if he didn 't deserve it . Hunter finally made it to the coffee shop . He was about 30 minutes early . He walked inside and after about 20 minutes of waiting , he was told he had to buy something or leave . He sighed and complied . Outside , he was cold . He stood outside on a bench outside for so long he fell asleep . When he woke up , it was getting dark . He checked his watch . " 6 : 00 . " He said with a sigh . " She didn 't come . So what ? Maybe she was just busy . " He convinced himself . He sat there for another 30 minutes before standing up and walking to Central Park . He found a spot under a tree and settled in for the night . The next day , his day was mostly the same . He managed some water from a hotel water fountain and returned to the coffeehouse . He didn 't bother going inside and settled in on the bench . After waiting for a long time , he decided to call it quits . " She 's got Fashion week coming up . That 's a big deal . No messenger , though ? She 's busy . I 'll just . . . Tomorrow . " He said to himself . " You really think she 's gonna show , Hunter ? " He looked over to see Imaginary Hunter leaning up against the building and looking at him . " I say you go back to being homeless . She 's not going to show up . Chad and her are a thing . You don 't expect to give him , a tall and muscular and not - homeless son of Apollo , up for you , a homeless , sickly , little weakling ? " " I just want to talk to her ! " He exclaimed , receiving some odd looks from passers by . " She can 't even give me that . . . . No . She 's coming tomorrow . She wouldn 't do that to me . Even if she doesn 't care for me like that , I 'm still her friend , right ? Right ? " He said quietly , his eyes welling up with tears again . He took a deep breath and stood up . " Go away , Hunter . I don 't want to talk to you . " He turned and walked back to his spot in Central Park before settling in for the night . The next day was hard . He hadn 't had a meal in a few days and was starting to feel it . At this point he was wishing that he had never gone with Arabella in the first place . Then he would be used to being hungry and Martha would still be Martha . He sighed and managed to stand up . The walk to the coffeehouse was long and arduous . He got there around 1 : 45 and settled into the bench out front . He waited and waited and finally at 3 he saw a familiar face . " Hunter , right ? " Chad said with a friendly grin . Hunter felt anger toward him , but tried to push it away . He needed to like this guy if he was going to be friends with Arabella . " Yeah - Yeah . That 's me . " He said , his voice dry and underused . " What are you doing here ? " Chad chuckled and rolled his eyes . " Oh , you know her . She 's holed up in the apartment , busy with fashion stuff . She told me to come and get you . " Chad said with a nod . Hunter eyed him cautiously . Hunter assumed that she would make some time for him . It didn 't sound like her to just delegate like that . " Between me and her ? " Chad said , calmly . Hunter gave a little nod . " We talked it over . I wanted to see if there was some chemistry . There wasn 't . We agreed to be done . We are still friends though . " Chad said with a shrug . " Come on , though . She doesn 't have forever . " He chuckled and helped Hunter up . " Follow me . I know this shortcut . " If Hunter were in better shape , he would have recognized how suspicious this was . He followed Chad around the corner and down an alleyway . Chad turned around to look at Hunter and before he could react , Chad punched Hunter in the face . Hunter fell to the ground and could feel tears burns his eyes and the taste of blood hit his lips . " Come on , Hunter . What 's wrong ? " Chad said as he circled around him . He kicked Hunter in the ribs three times in quick succession , causing Hunter to let out a cry of pain . He lay there on his stomach , sobbing . " Did you really think that you could take her away from me ? What do you have to offer ? " He asked , standing back up again . " Let me guess . A wonderful personality ? " He said before stepping on the back of his knee and walking over him . He drove a knee into Hunter 's spine and grabbed Hunter 's neck . He pulled back , causing Hunter to groan in pain . Chad let go flinging Hunter 's face back into the ground . Chad crouched down and grabbed Hunter 's hair , pulling him up to look him in the face . " Now , am I going to see you again , anywhere near Arabella ? " He said , turning his ear toward him . Hunter could barely move . Chad gritted his teeth and drove Hunter 's face into the ground . " Did you hear me ? ! If I see you near her again , I 'm going to kill you ! Consider yourself lucky this time . " He said before pushing Hunter 's face into the ground one more time . He stood up and brushed himself off . " She 's done with you . She told me to make sure you didn 't bother her anymore . Just forget about her . It 'll be easier . " He said before straightening his jacket and leaving the alley . Hunter laid there for what seemed like days . He cried for even longer . He wasn 't sure if he was crying because of the pain or Chad 's words . All he knew was that he couldn 't stay there . He managed to get up to his feet . He felt lightheaded and was sure that there was blood pouring down his face and onto his shirt . His knee could support no weight and his back was causing him to remain hunched over . He walked out from the alley and kept one hand on the building . He managed to walk a block or two before reaching the goodwill store . He rang the bell and promptly collapsed . When he woke up , he was on a couch . He woke up to the feeling of air conditioning and a bandage around his head . His eyes shot open and he sat up . " Ellie ? ! " He asked looking around . The apartment was unfamiliar , but by the couch , sleeping in a chair was a familiar figure . " Philippa . " He said quietly . He used the armrest and managed to stand up , but his knee was too weak . He fell back onto the couch with a cry of pain loud enough to wake Philippa up . She sprung from her chair and blinked a few time before hurrying over . " Hunter , are you okay ? What happened to you ? I 'm so sorry . I had no idea . " She said quickly , lightly caressing his face . Hunter looked into her eyes and pulled away . " Hunter ? What 's wrong ? " " You stumbled to Mike 's store and we took you back here . Dana will be home from the store in a few minutes . " She said quietly . " Who did this to you ? " She lifted a hand and placed it lightly on his head . Hunter winced slightly . " Yes , yes . Everything 's fine . " She said quietly . " I left camp to look for you . I 've been thinking . . . " She didn 't have to finish for Hunter to know what she was talking about . Hunter studied the couch between them . " Philippa , you broke my heart . I was willing to give everything up for you . The gods turned their back on me , because I convinced you to stay at camp . I only did that because I wan - " He was interrupted by the door opening . Hunter looked as Dana walked in and set some groceries down on the counter . " Philippa , would you leave him alone ? He needs to rest . " She said . Philippa looked at him for a second before standing up off the couch . " You know ? I figured that when you left , I would never see you again . That you wouldn 't be waking up in my infirmary anymore . " She said with a grin as she ground up a plant with a mortar and pestle . " Now , I come back last night from visiting my mom and you 're in my apartment . " Hunter couldn 't help , but smile a little . " Here . Eat this . I 'm about to do some major mojo and it 's going to hurt . A LOT . " She said with a nod . Hunter looked at the green gristle at the bottom and sighed before reaching in and eating it . He swallowed it down and blinked a few times before his vision blacked out again . When he awoke , he opened his eyes to Philippa 's face looking down at him . He could feel her rubbing his head . " Hey , we were worried that she used too much . " She said quietly . Hunter took a deep breath before sitting up and swinging his feet off the couch . " She 's at her mom 's . We both had our reasoning to leave camp , so we left together . " She said with a shrug . She turned her body to face him . " Hunter , we were talking yesterday , before Dana came in . What were you saying ? " Hunter sighed . " Look , Philippa . I liked you . A lot . I was willing to give everything up for you . " Hunter said plainly . " When it came to crunchtime , you welshed . You backed out . So , don 't expect me to ju - " Hunter suddenly felt the feeling of her lips on his . They were a little salty from tears , that she had no doubt shed , worrying about him . That only made Hunter feel worse . There was something different here . There was nothing . No feeling . No connection . No . . . chemistry . Hunter sat there like a statue as she kissed him . She finally broke it and held his face , while looking into his eyes . " Philippa , I 'm sorry , but it 's too late . " He said standing up . " Thanks for all your help , Philippa . " He said before quickly hurrying out of the room . He had been kissed like that before , except the difference was the feeling . There was chemistry in the other one . He had to go see her . He took a deep breath before sprinting down the stairs and out of the building . He quickly got his bearing and ran as fast as he could , without a shirt and in scrubs pants . He looked like a patient escaped from a mental ward . He didn 't bother nodding to or even recognizing Tom , but ran past him and to the elevator . He pressed the button and waited impatiently . He finally gave up and sprinted to the stairs . He ran up all of the floors and stood in front of the door . He quickly caught his breath and that 's when he heard the scream . " Ellie ? " He said before his mind tried to figure out what to do . His body thought faster and kicked in the door . He looked at Arabella , holding her face on the couch , and Chad standing over her fists clenched . His eye burned with rage . " You son of a b - " He said as he ran and tackled him to the ground before he could finish . He straddled his stomach and punched him over and over again in the face . This wasn 't just for Arabella . This was for Hunter . If he hadn 't showed up , Hunter wouldn 't have gotten beaten up and he wouldn 't have had to talk to Philippa again . " Go ahead and kill me , Chad ! You said you would ! I 'm pretty near her , now , aren 't I , Chad ? ! " He said , landing punch after punch . Chad kneed Hunter in the back hard and pushed him over his head . Hunter got to his feet and that 's when reflexes kicked in . He dodged Chad 's first jab and spun , grabbing his arm and bringing it up under his . He rolled and elbowed Chad in the side of the neck and then the temple . Chad fell to the ground in a daze . Hunter turned to Arabella . " Ellie , are you okay ? " Arabella pulled away from Chad a little bit , looking around her apartment . Was that a door closing ? Was Hunter back ? Her heart skipped a beat " Did you hear that ? " she whispered to Chad , trying not to get her hopes up . If she ran to see if it was Hunter and saw that it just her imagination . . it would probably split her heart in two . Chad looked at her with a little frown on his face and shook his head . Arabella couldn 't tell if he was lying or if she was really just hearing things . " It was probably nothing . . you 're hearing things " Chad whispered to her , running his fingers through her golden hair . Arabella bit her lip and nodded sadly . Where was Hunter ? Did he really leave her ? The more the thought about it , the more tears started to form in her eyes . Chad didn 't notice that she was trying not to cry , he just leaned back in , kissing her neck again . Arabella closed her eyes , putting her hands on his sides . She tried with everything she had to keep Hunter out of her mind . Maybe he would come back soon . Arabella let out a little gasp when she felt her bra come undone . She was so lost in her own thoughts , she didn 't realize that Chad had put his hands up her shirt again . Was he really expecting this from her ? He had just swept back into her life and expected her to go to bed with him . Arabella pulled away from him and looked in his eyes . Was it only about sex for him ? Chad leaned down and he kissed her lips softly " Come on " he whispered , pulling her close to him and walking down the hall towards her bedroom . The next morning , Chad pushed himself up into a sitting position and looked down at Arabella . She was curled up into the fetal position and had her back to him , fast asleep . Chad smirked a little bit to himself and slid out of the bed , pulling on his clothes from the day before . He walked down the hall quietly , hoping that he wouldn 't wake up Arabella . Yesterday afternoon , he heard someone come in and leave . But he wasn 't about to tell that to Arabella . Chad walked into the kitchen and saw a small envelope with Arabella 's name on it . His eyes narrowed and he picked it up , slicing it open in a quick swipe . Chad quickly scanned the words on the page , anger boiling up inside of him . He had just gotten her back . He wasn 't about to lose her to Hunter . Chad folded up the note , slipping it into his pocket and ripping the envelope into pieces before throwing it out . She didn 't need to know that it had ever existed . Two days had passed . Two days and not a word from Hunter . Arabella thought that he would at least stop by to say goodbye or let her know that he was okay . But she didn 't hear a thing from him . Why would he just leave her like that ? It would be one thing if he stayed with her , as friends . Arabella could maybe deal with that . She had been his friend for a long time , maybe she would be able to go back to that . But he didn 't seem to want to be her friend let alone anything more than that . It broke her heart when she thought about how he left her . Arabella 's self esteem plummeted . She was so critical about everything , especially her looks . She hated what she saw in the mirror . She was sure that the reason why Hunter left was that there was something wrong with her . The only time that she felt halfway decent was when she was with Chad . He paid attention to her and even though he always expected her to sleep with him , at least he wanted her too . She felt a little bit better knowing that Chad liked the way she looked . Arabella stepped out of her bathroom , pulling her wet hair up into a bun . She didn 't look in mirrors anymore , she avoided them like the plague . Arabella walked down the hall and into the living room . Chad was standing at the fireplace , his designer jeans were low on his hips . He wasn 't wearing a shirt and Arabella could see that the muscles in his back were tense . As soon as she saw that , Arabella 's stomach got tight . He didn 't look happy . Chad turned around and looked at her . His golden hair was messy and in his tanned hand , he held the small statue that Arabella kept on the mantle piece . It was something that she had gotten made for her when she was visiting Greece . It was a small statue of Aphrodite and it meant a lot to Arabella . It was like having her mom with her all the time . Chad was clutching it now , like it was ugly and horrible , like he just found drugs in Arabella 's apartment . " I like it Chad . Most people keep pictures of their mothers around the house . That 's my mother " Arabella said simply , like it was obvious . Why was he acting like this ? Chad rolled his eyes . " Why are you so proud of that ? So what , she 's Aphrodite . You 're still stuck here in New York , living a plain and mortal life . There is nothing special about any of this shit . And I 'm sick of looking at your mother 's face everyday " Chad said , his voice raising slightly . He walked over the the closet and tossed the statue in and closed the door . Arabella flinched and looked down at the ground . " I 'm proud of who I am Chad , I 'm proud of who my mom is " Arabella said softly and looked up at him . Chad glared at her , clenching his fists . He looked livid and Arabella knew that it was best not to push the issue any more . Arabella bit her lip . " Just order the damn food " Chad said harshly and walked over to the couch , sitting down . Arabella nodded softly and walked over to the phone , quickly ordering the Chinese food . She closed her eyes and rested her forehead against the fridge , listening to Chad flip through the channels . " Arabella ? " Chad called to herArabella didn 't respond . She didn 't know why . . she just . . didn 't . Arabella wasn 't used to actually hearing her name , she was used to hearing Ellie . . She just kept thinking about other things , ignoring the voice from the living room " Arabella ? ! When is the food coming ? " Chad snapped . Arabella shook herself and cleared her throat " It 'll be here in 20 minutes " Arabella told him in a small voice . Arabella couldn 't help it , her mind flashed back to Hunter . If Hunter was with her , Arabella would have been curled up on the couch , watching the Jersey Shore marathon . Hunter would probably be cooking super for them . Then he would join her and they would make fun of Snooki together . They would have talked for a little bit , Arabella would have made hot chocolate then they would have gone to bed happy . She would not be ordering Chinese food and pouring herself a shot of Absolut . When the food came , Arabella paid for it and put it on plates . She quickly finished her shot and brought the food out to Chad , placing it on his lap . He was paying attention to the football game on TV and he just started eating , not saying a word to Arabella . Arabella wasn 't hungry . she had a couple bites of steamed veggies before putting her plate down and resting her chin on her knees . " We should watch a movie tonight " she suggested and looked over at Chad " I just bought I Am Number Four " " There 's a football game on " Chad said to her in a harsh voice . Arabella sighed and looked out the window . She pushed herself off of the couch and took the plate to the sink then looked at Chad . " I 'm going to bed " Arabella told him . He waved in response . Arabella sighed softly and walked off to her bedroom , curling up under the blanket . Another day and a half had passed and still no word from Hunter . Arabella started to really worry about him . but her worry was quickly replaced with anger . Her anger was quickly replaced with sadness . What if something happened to him ? How dare he leave without saying goodbye ! Was he missing her like she was missing him ? Arabella sat at her desk in her office , organizing her papers . She just had a meeting with her team about Fashion Week and she was stressing out about it . There was a knock on her door and Arabella looked up " Come in " she called and watched as the door opened . Her brother Daniel walked in , closing the door behind him . Daniel sat down in the chair across from her with a look in his dark eyes that said ' I am about to give you a speech ' . Arabella sighed " What is it , Danny ? " she asked , folding her arms on the table . " What ? Is is the twinkle lights for Fashion Week ? It 's not too much , is it ? I know that I need a lot of them but it will pay off in the end , I know it " Arabella said quickly . Daniel , however , ignored this . He leaned forward and looked at her . " Chad ? Really Arabella ? Of all the guys in the world , you pick Chad ? " Daniel said to her in a soft voice and Arabella looked down at the desk " In case you forgot , he was horrible to you . I haven 't forgotten the sound of you crying every night or all of those bruises on your body . You can say whatever you want about the bruises being from training , but I 'm not stupid Arabella . You never trained . You tanned . How could you go back to someone like that ? He was terrible and I know that he still is because you look so sad all the time . Whatever happened to Hunter ? I know that you have feelings for him " " He doesn 't want me " Arabella said , looking up at Daniel " He doesn 't want me and he probably never will . He left . Without saying goodbye . He just . . . left " she said , her voice breaking off at the end . She looked out side the window and took a breath " It doesn 't matter if I have feelings for him . It doesn 't matter what I want . I can 't force him to stay with me " " Arabella . . . " Daniel said softly . He moved to go give her a hug but just then , her office door opened and Chad walked in . Daniel sat down , glaring at Chad . The look of anger in Daniel 's eyes was enough to make you think that he could possibly be Ares ' son if you didn 't know better . Arabella looked over at Chad , forcing a smile onto her face . " Come on , Babe " Chad said , grabbing Arabella 's purse " Let 's get home . I already talked to your assistant and told her that you were going to be going home early " he finished and looked at her , waiting for her to get up . Arabella bit her lip . " I have to stay , Chad . . I 've got a lot to do here . I can 't just . . go home " Arabella said and she immediately regretted saying that . Chad looked at her with angry eyes and she flinched . He didn 't even have to say anything . Arabella stood up and looked at Daniel with sad eyes before walking out with Chad leading the way . As soon as Arabella walked into the apartment , she pulled off her shoes " I 'm going for a bath " she told Chad but she didn 't get very far . Chad put a hand on her shoulder and pulled her back . Arabella looked at him for a moment and Chad smirked . He pushed her against the wall and he started kissing her . She tried to push him away but he was so much stronger than her . " Chad . . I 'm tired " Arabella said and bit her lip as he kissed her neck . She wanted to push him away but the warmth of his hands on her back felt so good . Next thing she knew , he had picked her up and walked over to the couch with her . Her sat her down then leaned over her , kissing neck and down to her chest . Chad sat up and pulled his shirt off before he went back to kissing her . Arabella closed her eyes and pretended that she wasn 't there . That she was somewhere else . Or that Hunter was the one who was kissing her . Chad 's hands found their way up her dress and he started running his fingers up and down her sides . His lips worked their way to her chest again and he kissed with urgency , knowing full well that Arabella didn 't really want to do this with him . Arabella thought about Hunter , still pretending that it was his hands , his lips that were touching her body . Not Chad . Maybe she just got caught up in the moment or maybe she didn 't realize that she was saying out loud , but ever so softly , Arabella moaned " Hunter . . " Chad stopped what he was doing and looked down at her . Her dress was rumpled and pulled up to her stomach . She had a worried look on her face as soon as she realized what she had said " What did you call me ? " Chad hissed , leaning over her so that his face was inches from her . Arabella shook her head . " Chad . I said Chad " She whispered , trying to make him believe her . Chad 's hand was around her throat then and Arabella tried to pull him off of her . He was squeezing a little too tight . " You said ' Hunter ' " Chad hissed and before Arabella could do anything , before she could stop him or defend herself , she felt his fist hit the side of her face . |
Yesterday was Nathan 's Christmas party at preschool . He was doing very well with the crowd and the entertainment . We did have a bit of a problem in that the group doing the entertainment was obviously not used to very young children and one of them shouted at Nathan for touching one of the props . ( For the record , it was sitting right in front of him and had been just left there ) . Nathan crumpled into tears thinking that he was in trouble . He settled fairly quickly with a hug from Mommy and the guy obviously felt bad and gave him a special set of sticks to bang on for the show . Nathan was having lots of fun playing with the other children . In fact , he was having so much fun that he was very resistant to coming to see Santa and get his present . Ah well , he wasn 't the only one in tears on seeing the big red man . : ) Overall , I think he had a good time but it was definitely a little overwhelming and stressful for him . He 's been doing very well with all the other Christmas preparations . Tonight we 're going to try decorating a gingerbread house . I 'll let you all know how it goes . I 've begun a new job which has me working some late nights . So far , I 'm doing okay with it . I 've discovered I 'm still a natural night person and have no trouble with the staying up . It 's the getting up the next morning that 's a challenge . But that 's why the gods invented caffeine . The boys are a little anxious about the change . Alex especially seems to miss me , which makes sense . I spend a lot of time with Nathan during the day and he goes to bed shortly after I leave . Alex is in therapy all day and then has a couple of hours after I leave . I miss them both but it is good to have some extra money coming in . We had an awesome time on Friday taking the boys to see the Wiggles in concert . They tend to do international tours every two to three years and so the timing worked out perfectly where both the boys love the show right now . We had three adults to take care of the two boys and I 'll admit that I was nervous about the whole thing . Yes , they love the Wiggles and their music but would they get overwhelmed in the arena ? Would they be willing to stay in their seats ( as opposed to wanting to run on the stairs or try and get on stage ) ? Would Alex get upset if they played a song he didn 't like ? There were a lot of unknown factors but I decided it was worth it to give a try . I could not be happier with how things went . They were a little bored with waiting but we let them wander around the arena , which made them happy . Nathan made several circuits , including right up to the stage . Avi bought them each a lightstick to wave around and a little plush Big Red Car . ( The BRC was a big hit with Alex , he cuddled it throughout the entire concert . ) Once the first notes of " Toot , toot , chugga , chugga " started , Alex 's face just lit up and he started jumping up and down in front of his seat with a huge grin on his face . He was singing along and dancing and it was just so wonderful to see . Nathan was a little more uncertain but he was just as excited . Both of them looked a little confused at first that the Wiggles were right there ( as opposed to being confined to the TV screen ) . But they got over that pretty quickly . The show was fantastic , a lot of acrobatics and they covered a lot of their classic favourites . My personal favourite moment ( other than toot , toot ) was when they did Twinkle , Twinkle Little Star and dimmed all the lights and had the kids waving their lightsticks and adults waving cell phones and a dim blue light sparkling around from a disco ball in the ceiling . It looked really beautiful and wonderful . I only have two very minor complaints . They didn 't do a lot from the " Go Bananas " album , which is the newest one and has somPosted by As some of you know , our family was profiled in the local newspaper . The article was very well done and presented a fair perspective . We were interviewed because of the difference in how early each of our sons was diagnosed and the differences it made . With Alex , there was such a lengthly period between first thinking something might be wrong and actually getting the diagnosis and then again before we could actually begin treatment ( especially the publicly - funded treatment ) . I think that in some ways we lost some good chances , but at the same time , I know that we did the best that we could with the resources and information we had . Nathan got the benefit of our education with Alex . Now , to be fair , he also seems to have fewer challenges , especially on a sensory level . But he also had less time to retreat into himself and set patterns of behaviour . His progress has been much faster than Alex 's . The article focused on that difference and was promoting a new clinic that promises diagnosis and treatment information much faster . In other news , Nathan 's preschool had a walkathon this weekend . It was quite cute to see all of the little ones , some in their school t - shirts over heavy winter coats and others in their Hallowe ' en costumes . We met at a local park and walked around the duck pond . Nathan made three circuits , which I think is quite impressive for a little guy who isn 't quite three yet . Dave took some pictures so hopefully we 'll get some up on here so that everyone can see . Alex also joined us ( it was the least he could do since he 's an alumni of the same preschool ) and he did a long walk along the outer circuit of the park with his aide . I had to stay put at the meeting place to collect people 's pledge forms . I don 't know how much money we raised but it was certainly a thick sheaf of paper , enough to fill both my pockets ! I 'm sure we did very well . It was pretty cold , below zero in the wind and ice on the smaller streams , so the boys only stayed for about forty minutes before Dave took them home . Then they came tPosted by On Monday , Dave had the day off and we had a good day with the boys . Alex did very well at kindergarten and had a fantastic speech therapy session . We were playing outside on the playstructure and the boys were having a good time when we got a call from Dave 's boss , who was locked out of their office . Dave being the closest to the actual building , was the first called . Dave asks the boys if either of them would like to go with him . Both of them just kept playing , so he went ahead inside . At that point , Alex decided he wanted to go and Dave took him into the car . When the garage door opened , Nathan decided he wanted to go , too . He ran around the house just in time to see Dave pulling out of the driveway . I ran after him , shouting and waving and hoping to get Dave 's attention . But no luck . Nathan ran after the car for almost 300 metres , until the first major intersection , where I stopped him . He was perfectly happy , shouting " Daddy ! Daddy ! " like he thought Dave was playing some game of tag or hide and seek . I 'm waving and jumping , still hoping to catch Dave 's attention , but he disappeared around the corner . Luckily I was able to distract Nathan so he didn 't get upset . We played around at the bottom of the street for awhile before heading back to our own backyard . There was no real distress on his part , just excitement . When Dave got back , I told him what happened and as expected , he felt bad about having ditched his little boy . But on the other hand , it 's a good lesson for both boys that when someone asks if you want to go , you have to speak up quickly . Since Nathan wasn 't upset at all , I 'm inclined to think the whole thing was funny . : ) Or at least , the first deliberate one . We had to keep him up all night in order to do a sleep - deprived EEG at the hospital to test to see if his little ' tuning out ' episodes were actually seizures . Keeping a five year old up all night . Piece of cake . Right ? Actually , we did all right . We sent Nathan over to his grandparents ' for the night so that he would get a decent night 's sleep at least . Then we took Alex out on the town , taking a long tour of Wal - mart , then a visit to his grandmother 's and finishing off by getting ice cream at McDonald 's at 11 : 30 at night . Alex was just thrilled . He kept looking at us with a little furrowed brow , as if he was wondering why we weren 't telling him to go to bed but he wasn 't going to remind us . From midnight until about 6 am , we played Wii . We borrowed the console and Wii Resort so that we would have something new and active to engage him with . His favourite games are the island flyover , where he likes to make the plane crash and see the little Mii shoot up with a parachute , and the Frisbee dog catch . We are now experts at Wii Frisbee . He also insisted that we could only use Daddy 's Mii . We had a lull around 2 : 30 until about 4 am where we had to keep shaking him awake . But we gave him a couple of lollipops which got him over the hump . He also got a lot of water and ricemeal to help keep him going . At 6 am , he decided he wasn 't having fun anymore . But at that point we knew that if he napped , he would get enough energy to make the whole exercise a waste of time . So despite how awful it felt to keep on waking him up and having him cry , we kept going ( thank the gods for caffeine ) . He even asked us " Alex sleep ? " and it was so hard to tell him that he had to stay awake . I am pleased that despite being exhausted ourselves , there was no point where either of us came close to losing our tempers . And this despite the fact that we each have a few bruises from where he tried to stop us from holding him up . We got him to the hospital for a 10 : 30 appointment without letting him sleep in the car . HePosted by You 've spent the day assembling a playstructure for your children . I got a little sunburned behind the ears . We got it from another family whose children had outgrown it . It 's always nice when people are willing to pass on things that are still in good condition . The instructions say that it should take 1 hour to put together . It took me and my Dad over 5 hours , including a two hour trip to Home Depot to get new screws . ( Don 't ask , there was much debate . ) But we finally got it all together . The boys absolutely love it . And that makes it all worthwhile . Posted by Nathan had his first day of preschool today and it went wonderfully . There were two things I was worried about . Would he be okay with having shoes on instead of crocs ? And was he going to be anxious about being left alone ? He did protest about his shoes but eventually accepted them on his feet and left them on in the car and wore them all day without a problem . And he had no problem with being left alone . He just walked into the classroom and sat down and started playing . Even when I said goodbye , there was hardly a blink on his part . I 've heard from the teachers that he had a fantastic time . He sat on his own for snack and poured his own juice and enjoyed his crackers and grapes . He sat for the entire circle and listened to the songs and stories . He took turns on his own initiative with another child when playing with a toy . There was a brief temper tantrum when Nathan wanted to leave the class and wasn 't allowed to . Another little boy noticed and asked the teacher " Is Nathan sad ? " to which the teacher replied " No , he 's mad that he can 't leave . " The little boy then went over to Nathan and began building a block tower nearby . Nathan got interested and joined in the play , tantrum forgotten . The little boy then told the teacher : " See , he 's happy now that he can play . " I forsee great things for that little boy . Such compassion is rare enough in adults and I hope that he stays as sweet and insightful as he is now . Nathan also had a great time outside at the park and didn 't want to come home . But when he saw me , he was all smiles and happiness . I got a big hug and he said " Bye - bye " to all the other waiting parents . We 're even recognizing some familiar faces from other playgroups and from when Alex was at the preschool . It 's like a little mini - reunion . I am so proud of Nathan and how he 's done . And I am very happy with the preschool . They 've been accepting and wonderful and you can tell that they 're genuinely pleased to have him in the class . He 's going to do great there . The results are in and , as anyone could have expected , they are mixed . Alex did very well . Having a visual schedule helped him a lot in moving between activities . The main issue was in some last minute changes to his schedule . We 'd spent a lot of time preparing him for what was going to happen but they changed some key points , like which door he was supposed to go in . He did very well on the tour of the school , not participating too much but not complaining and sticking with the group , which is a big deal for him . I think there may be some challenges with integrating him into the classroom . Some of the other kids are distracted by the fact that he gets to hold a toy and can move around . However , personally , I think that 's something that just needs to be handled honestly and frankly with them . Kids can accept a lot if it 's presented in a matter of fact kind of way . With a little understanding and flexibility , I think he 'll end up doing very well . He 's not that difficult a kid to deal with ( although I 'll admit that I 'm biased ) . He has certain needs for how information should be presented to him , but once those needs are met , he 's very flexible in dealing with his surroundings . We 'll see how things progress over the year . I 'm still not entirely over my anxiety but it 's good to have that first day over with . Today is Alex 's first day in an integrated school program . He 's starting senior kindergarten today . If all goes according to plan , he 'll be in SK one morning a week and then in his behaviour therapy program four days a week . When I first had children , I expected that the first day of school would be emotional . A sense of loss that my little boy was growing up . A sense of pride that he was doing well . And perhaps a little guilty sense of relief at having some time to myself . I didn 't expect to have to feel anxiety . To be wondering if he 's going to be able to make it in kindergarten . I find myself wondering if his teacher and peers will like him or if he 'll be so disruptive that he 'll be politely asked to leave . There are dozens of horror stories about children with autism having trouble in an integrated program . The mildest versions are the ones where they 're ignored and left to do their own thing . The worst are the ones of children who are locked up in " autism rooms " all day and kept isolated . However , I should be clear . The school so far has been very eager on the subject of integration and his teacher has a great deal of experience . But in our experience , that hasn 't always translated into a positive experience for Alex . I think that 's the hardest part . Knowing that I have done everything I can at this point and it is now out of my hands . He 's got to succeed or fail on his own and it would be counterproductive for me to try and stand between him and any obstacles . The point of this whole exercise is to see if he can integrate into a regular classroom . If I 'm right there , that 's not going to help us find that out . But I still think that this is going to be a very long three hours until he 's home and I know how it went . It 's been awhile since I posted anything so forgive me if I leave anything out . The boys had an amazing time at the cottage with my parents . Alex swam two or three times every day and would have lived in the pool if a ) we let him and b ) it was warmer . He also got to go on lots of long walks with his grandfather , who is delighted to finally have someone in the family who is interested in nature walks too . We were told he crashed out just about every night and woke up ready to go the next day . Nathan enjoyed himself , too , discovering a whole new bunch of foods that he enjoys ( such as bananas , more on that later ) and a new bunch of people to appreciate his charm . Nathan is much more cautious in the pool than Alex , but greatly enjoyed wading in the lake . Now for the banana story . We have tried for a long time to get him to eat bananas but he always refused . But apparently he 's more than happy to eat them if you leave it in the peel . He makes happy monkey sounds and eats away . It 's quite cute to see . The boys have found a new passion in their lives . The television show The Wiggles . It 's the only one they both enjoy watching . ( Alex has been wanting to watch Mythbusters and nature shows on Discovery , Nathan still likes Elmo and Sesame and neither likes the others ' programs . ) But they are both loving the Wiggles , dancing and singing along with the music . We 've even invested in a few DVDs and they are getting well used . We 're actually going to try and take the boys to see them in person when they come to Ottawa in the fall . It just seems like too much of an opportunity to pass up . It 's so rare that we get opportunities at the same time that they 're actually interested in something . So cross your fingers for us . I 'll let you all know what happens at the show . Alex 's therapy team is changing . We 're losing his lead therapist to another position . We wish her well but we 're going to miss her . She 's been a favourite of Alex 's to work with and he often asks for her by name . She is that rare combination of balanced enthusiasm and prPosted by Alex is officially off to the cottage with his grandparents for a week . This is the third year he 's gone and he always has a great time . It looks like he 'll get some good weather , too . My guess is that he 'll spend most of his time in the pool and on the playground . This means that Nathan gets some quality two - on - one time with his parents . This morning , we were able to go out to the park . It was nice and almost relaxing . The slides were all very wet from last night 's rain but that didn 't stop Nathan from enjoying himself . At first , I tried to stop him from going through the puddle but then I realized I was spoiling his fun . A little water and dirt wasn 't going to hurt him . So I relaxed and he had a fantastic time , even though water was occasionally dripping from his shorts . He 's definitely more adventurous than the other kids his age . We must have hit the right time for two - year olds at the park . Usually it 's mostly older kids but this time we had about five different children , all around two years old . Nathan was very social , saying hi to the other children when I prompted him and even being surprisingly patient about waiting in line . But he was the only child to climb the big ladder by himself and certainly the most fearless when it came to going down the big slides . I have to say that I 'm really encouraged by how well he was interacting with the other children . One of the things I love about our neighbourhood is how multi - cultural it is and this morning was definitely a multicultural experience . We heard Arabic , Chinese and Russian ( I 'm guessing a little , so apologies if I 've gotten it wrong ) . Nathan seemed quite intrigued by all the different languages . He decided when he 'd had enough and told me " All done . " I asked him if he wanted to go home and he repeated " Go home . All done . " Then he took off down the path to go home . But he did stop and wave good - bye to everyone when I prompted him . All in all , a good first day of vacation . Today was Nathan 's first day at summer camp . It 's only a week and run by his therapists for the children who are most advanced socially . They use it to practice social skills between the children . I admit I was worried . He 's been so attached to me lately that I wasn 't sure he was going to be able to relax and have fun . But he handled it beautifully . Dave dropped him off in the morning and tells me that once Nathan saw the toys , there was no more fuss . I picked him up and while he was happy to see me , he wasn 't desperate . And I saw him playing on the slide , so I know he wasn 't sitting and waiting for me . The staff tell me that he had a great time , with only a little fussiness before snack . When I picked him up , he waved goodbye to all the staff and gave them all kisses . That 's my little charming flirt at work . I 'll bet that it won 't be long before he 's the favourite , if he 's not already . Last week , Alex had his annual psychological review for his ABA program . This is to evaluate his progress and see how he 's learning to generalize the skills they 're teaching him . They got a very productive forty - five minutes out of him but unfortunately it was an hour and a half test . I personally think he did very well since last year he was barely able to follow any of the instructions . It isn 't that he doesn 't know how to do what 's being asked , it 's that he still has trouble with the concept of doing things when he isn 't particularly interested . We 'll get the report in another couple of weeks . I 'm not terribly worried about them but it will be interesting to see how it compares with last year . Okay , now we have something to write about ! Our family had an excellent Canada Day , very low key for the most part . We went for a drive in the morning , which the boys always seem to enjoy . We drove out into cottage country and got to see some of the lovely picturesque little towns outside of Ottawa . Nathan drifted off for the last little bit , but Alex seemed quite alert and interested throughout . Then we had a nice lunch and took the boys out for a walk to the park . They were enjoying themselves quite a bit , although I had the thought that we looked like a divorced family , one parent and one kid each , well separated at all times . : ) Nathan started to fade after a bit so I brought him back home to nap but Dave and Alex stayed out for well over an hour . The boys got their supper at their usual time , but neither of them were inclined to settle down so Dave and I decided that we would let them stay up until the fireworks . We 'd planned to wake them up to go , but if they weren 't sleepy , there didn 't seem to be much point in putting them in their rooms . Dave actually did most of the labour on our supper , a very traditional Canadian dish : Old El Paso tacos . : ) Nathan surprised us by sitting down at table with us and helping himself to meat , cheese and tortilla chips . He ate a fairly decent second supper and was chatting away with us the whole time . Alex is still quite disgusted at the sight of us eating and spent the time watching his favourite shows without his brother to annoy him . The fireworks were lots of fun . We 're lucky enough to have found a good spot to watch the Kanata display that isn 't too crowded ( mainly because it seems to be a major mosquito breeding ground ) . We arrived ten minutes before the show and were home twenty minutes after it finished . And there was plenty of room for the boys to run around and still have a good view . We brought some glowsticks , which Alex loved . He collected them from all of us , although we stopped him from taking all of Nathan 's . When the fireworks started , Alex was jumping up and Posted by It 's been awhile since we posted . It 's been fairly hectic here but we 're slowly starting to slow down . Nathan is doing very well with his therapy , making good progress on his language and social skills . Alex has also been doing well and seems to be enjoying his therapy . There 's not a whole lot to report . Life continues its grind . We 're starting to realize that the trip in November is coming more quickly than we realized and it 's time to start making more plans and making sure we have what we need . We 've always felt bad that Nathan didn 't have a special touch to his room the way Alex has with his mural . So Jenn got the idea to put stars up for Nathan . Originally we were going to paint something , based on the color and speckle layout on the back of one of Alex 's toys , but getting that together never happened . While out last week , Jenn found some glow - in - the - dark stars and planets , and we figured we would give that a try . To get a reasonable layout , we used his Star Turtle , a light - projector which projects pseudo - constellations and gives a good density ( click pictures to enbiggen ) : These pictures were taken with our mini camera , which performed way better than I expected it would . Naturally , long - shutter photography inspires play with an available laser pointer : But one quick trip back to the mall to pick up a small number of stars to fill out the ceiling a bit more , and we get the result : There are around 120 stars plus some planets up on his walls and ceiling now . We hope he likes it . I think it turned out really well . Our latest trip to Toronto for the sibling study went quite well . Memee kept Nathan awake through the morning and early afternoon , so he crashed almost as soon as he was strapped into the car . And he woke up about ten minutes before we reached the McDonald 's Playplace that I was planning to stop for dinner . It 's been a long time since I had McDonald 's and I think it 'll be a long time again , but Nathan enjoyed it . He very carefully helped himself to all the little ketchup cups and grabbed my milkshake . He still doesn 't know how to drink from a straw but he made a good try of it . And he got to have a good run around which made him much happier to get back in the car for the second half of the trip . Nathan did a lot better staying in the hotel with me . I think he liked having my undivided attention . And being able to fall asleep in front of the TV . Nathan had a grand old time running around the room , playing with his toys . And eventually he climbed up on the bed and snuggled up until he fell asleep . He woke up bright and early the next morning . Unfortunately , he didn 't like the French toast that I ordered him for breakfast so his birthday breakfast was a bottle of milk and a cup full of Cheerios . But he was a real hit with all the hotel staff . They made faces at him and he just lapped up the attention . His assessment went well . I think having the appointment in the morning and a reasonable night 's sleep the night before helped a lot . He still ended up falling asleep in my lap two thirds of the way through . They saw a lot of improvement in his eye contact and verbal skills . His receptive language has gone from an 11 month level to a 15 month level in the last three months . The trip home went fairly well . Nathan didn 't sleep so we took more frequent breaks . He is definitely the darling of the roadside Tim Hortons along the 401 . Once they found out it was his birthday , he got a free chocolate chip cookie at one place , a free Timbit in another and a free bag of pretzels in another . All in all , I think he had a good experienPosted by Alex had an appointment with a neurologist at CHEO and it turns out that there is something going on in that little brain . Alex has always been prone to " tuning out " periodically , which we 've chalked up to the autism or even just thinking . However , there is a chance that what we 've been seeing is in fact something called " absence seizures " where the brain simply stops talking to the body for a brief period . However , they can 't say for certain because he fought the EEG so much that most of the scan ended up simply being noise . They did see enough to say that there is something unusual going on though . The plan now is to try a sleep - deprived EEG , which is where we keep Alex up the night before in the hopes that he 'll fall asleep with the apparatus on so that we don 't get any movement problems . If that doesn 't work , they would need to move to an MRI , which would require a general anesthetic . They don 't seem to be in a hurry to book the next EEG , which I 'm taking as a good sign of lack of concern . We 'll keep everyone posted as we know more . Hey everyone , Birthday month is almost here and we have a few unusual requests for this year . We 've been looking over the accumulation of toys and such , trying to come up with a wish list and we 've come to a surprising conclusion . There 's nothing that the boys would really want . The stuff that they play with , they have plenty of ( blocks , cars , lego ) . So we don 't really need any more of it . But what we could use are some opportunities to get out of the house and do things as a family . So we 're asking for gift certificates or donations towards a couple of specific goals : - a membership to Cosmic Adventures - memberships to the Museum of Civilization or Science and TechnologyI 'll be blunt with all of you and admit that money is really tight , so we can 't afford to go out as often as we 'd like . So this would be really helpful . If you 'd like to get them a little something , then a Hot Wheels car or a bouncy ball would be popular ( the balls shouldn 't be smaller than a golf ball , or else they 're a choking hazard for Nathan ) . For Dave and I , here are some suggestions : Gift cards : HBC , SearsAddition ElleChaptersDVDs : V for VendettaIronmanSeason 6 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer ( this one is just for me , I 'm missing one of the disks ) Titus , Season 1 and 2Dr . Horrible 's Sing Along Blog Sometimes my boys are just too cute for words . We were having dinner over at my folks and Nathan dutifully ate his steak and broccoli and baked potato , without much enthusiasm but without much of a protest either . But clearly it wasn 't quite enough . My mom got up to get something else from the kitchen and in a movement worthy of one of the cats , Nathan stands up on his high chair and grabs the half finished steak off her plate and crams it all into his mouth . It was over almost before any of us realized what had happened . He gave us a great big grin full of meat . We have a bit of a chuckle over that and my mom offers to give him a piece of cake for dessert . " Since he 's obviously still hungry . " Nathan gets a small slice of chocolate cake and his eyes light up . He digs into it with real enthusiasm and it vanishes almost instantaneously . He gets a second small slice and it vanishes a little slower but still fairly promptly . I , being the mean mother that I am , call a halt on the refills and conversation continues around the table . Nathan is despondently picking through the crumbs of chocolate and dabs of icing on his plate and casting longing glances at the cake across the room . About now , my father , who is sitting next to Nathan , finishes up his dinner and puts aside his plate for the dessert one with a large slice of cake already there and waiting . Nathan 's eyes light up and his mouth forms a tiny " o " of surprise . He very carefully lifts up his plate and places it on top of my mother 's empty dessert plate . Then he reaches over and slides Dad 's plate in front of him . Dad takes it back with a bemused grin and Nathan reaches right back on over and takes it again . This time , he takes the precaution of grabbing a big handful out of it and cramming it into his mouth . I am trying desperately not to laugh and encourage him but he 's staring up at Dad with huge eyes and a mouth full of chocolate with an expression that says " Am I really going to get away with this ? " Dad starts to laugh and that 's enough for Nathan to relax and griPosted by The crib has been officially packed up and put away and my baby is sleeping in a big boy bed now . It 's a mixed - emotion moment . I 'm glad and excited about him growing up , but also a little sad at how big and independent my little one is getting . Last night was the first night and he did fairly well . It took him a couple of hours to settle , along with a lot of visits from Mom . But eventually he fell asleep and he even did it in the bed , with his head on the pillow and the duvet tucked up around him . Unlike his brother , who celebrated his first night of freedom by falling asleep in front of the door . And his second , and third . . . lots of nights in front of the door . Nathan woke up a few times in the night but was quickly reassured and went back to sleep fairly easily . Naptime today went considerably better ( him being tired definitely helped ) . A few mumbly protests and he was asleep in under twenty minutes . Tonight he crashed out practically before Dad was finished reading the story . So I think we can count it as a successful transition . Sometimes , the gods do nice things for us . Like today . We went to Walmart to pick up bedding for Nathan 's new bed ( he 's finally outgrowing the crib ) along with a few other necessities . Nathan brought a few toys , a plastic pig and a small plastic Muppet Babies Kermit . These two are his current favourites , they go along pretty much everywhere . I wasn 't paying as much attention as I probably should have , trying to remember everything we needed to pick up . I was feeling rather satisfied when we got to the checkout counter and suddenly I realize that we have a disaster in the making . Kermit is missing . Nathan is looking at me expectantly , as if he 's waiting for me to pull Kermit out of the various articles in the cart and give him back . The clerk is looking at me as if I might be mildly crazy as I start searching through everything . No luck . The frog is definitely gone . Lost somewhere in a major box store that we 've just wandered through . Not good . I pay for our purchases and start to retrace our steps with the sinking certainty that there is no real chance that we 're going to find Kermit again . I can 't even go out and get a replacement Kermit because this is one that I got in a Happy Meal from McDonald 's when I was six or seven . Nathan is beginning to get upset that I am not producing his favourite toy and the staff and other customers are starting to get the same expression as the clerk as I wheel down the aisles , staring at the ground , searching for a little green figure . After double checking all of the places we visited and spending a fair amount of brainpower to remember just which aisles we walked down while going between those places , I give up . I bravely tell my two year old that his toy is gone , vanished into the ether . I try to spin the story that maybe some other child picked it up and now Kermit will go to make that family happy . Yeah , Nathan didn 't buy that one either . But he 's handling it pretty well and I resign myself to leaving the store , frog - less , when I spot something . A little green figure standing on aPosted by You know , we 've gone through weekends where both kids were sick and we weren 't feeling too good ourselves and I thought those were bad . But now I have a new winner . Both adults feeling flat - out , horribly sick . Kids , absolutely fine . When our kids are sick , usually they 're quiet , happy to cuddle and watch TV . When they 're well , they don 't understand why Mommy and Daddy only want to lie down and groan . They want to play which is so sweet and heartbreaking when you 're exhausted and in pain . Ah well , now we 're on the road to recovery and so far ( knock on wood ) the kids are still healthy . Thankfully the grandparents were willing to help and I 'm very grateful to my mom for taking on both children on Monday so that I could get a chance to sleep and recuperate . Nathan got his immunizations this week and he did very well . He only cried a little but then he was clinging to me and asking for a " cookie " ( one of the few words he 's using reliably these days ) . Our doctor 's office is beside a grocery store , so I decided to go in and see if I could get something fresh from the bakery to give him . When we got to the counter , all I could see were boxes of about a dozen cookies , so I asked the woman if I could buy a single cookie for my son , explaining that he 'd just had a shot . She replied , " Oh , poor thing . He 's being so good . " And she gave us a free chocolate chip cookie , which perked Nathan right up . He smiled at her and even managed a credible " Tanku " ( thank you ) . Okay , this is a little out of date due to some technical difficulties on posting the picture . But I still want to share the lovely gift my son gave me for Valentine 's Day . We get a lot of craft stuff every week from Alex 's program and while we oooh and aaah over it , we know that for the most part , it has been fashioned by his therapist with a little enforced help from Alex . This time , however , we got a note that told us that Alex picked out all the pieces himself and strung them all together himself . And he handed it over to me himself ( okay , with a little prompting , but that 's still huge ) . I wore this necklace very proudly for the whole day and Alex seemed quite intrigued by that . He kept coming up to look at it and finger it . After I wore it , I tucked it away in his special momentos box where it will stay safe . Thank you , Alex . Happy Valentine 's . Yesterday , Nathan had his assessment and the verdict is in , he is definitely on the autism spectrum . Now that we have an official diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder , we can start getting him the help that he needs . We 're looking into the options and right now , we 're thinking speech therapy along with some play - oriented IBI ( Intensive Behavioural Intervention ) . It 's fairly clear to us at this point , that he 's going to be higher - functioning than his brother since he has much less severe issues , so it 'll be a matter of finding the right option for his age and level . Most children aren 't diagnosed for another two to three years , so there will definitely be a challenge . No matter how much we prepared for this , it was still hard to hear . I love both my children and I know that they 're going to do all right but I can 't help but be angry that this has happened to them . In the race of life , they 've been handed a backpack full of heavy stones and told to compete . They can still reach all the goalposts as anyone else , but it 's going to be harder and take more work . It doesn 't seem fair that they 've been handed this extra challenge . I will do whatever I have to in order to give them the best possible chance in life . That is my promise to both of them . This weekend we took Alex for a sleigh ride at Smithvale Farms on Carling . It was very pleasant , the staff was friendly and accomodating . We were the only people on the sleigh and Alex was a little uncertain at first but after awhile he got quite interested . He went to stand up beside the driver , fascinated by watching the horses . The driver even let him " drive " by holding the reins . Alex was very excited by that , jumping up and down and squealing . Fairly soon , he was singing , which we explained was a sign that he was enjoying himself . The driver said he was just grateful it wasn 't " Jingle Bells . " Alex was getting a little cold towards the end of the drive and wanted to cuddle with me . Which was a nice end to the day . The other interesting point over the weekend was that Alex took some of his letters from his alphabet puzzles and spelled out " jump " and then had the toy frogs jumping up and down next to it . He 's showing more and more signs that he recognizes written words . I think my little boy is learning to read . All in all , a very good weekend . We 've made an interesting discovery . Nathan sleepwalks . We were pretty sure he talked in his sleep but the other night , I went in and not only was he babbling up a storm , he was standing up in his crib , sound asleep . His eyelids were drooping and his eyes were flipping around , a sign I remember well from my sister 's sleepwalking incidents . This will make things interesting when he outgrows the crib in a few more weeks . But the more interesting news is what he did yesterday while we were out on a playdate . We were getting close to the time to go when Nathan brought me his coat and asked : " Go ? " Then he dumped the coat in my lap , walked over to our hostess and babbled : " Ge - a - babba - dar - na . Bye - bye . " Then he waved at her and leaned in to give her a hug and a kiss . I 'm so proud of my little boy . Bit of a rough weekend . Alex did one of the classic small child self - injury actions . He burned his fingers on the stove . We were cooking dinner on Saturday night and he just came up to the stove and tried to touch the glowing element . He yanked it back so quickly that , at first , I was hopeful that I 'd managed to startle him before he could actually touch it . But the first howls of pain put the lie to that hope . We managed to get it under cold water fairly promptly but he 's got a blister on the pad of every finger on his right hand . The worst one is on his index finger , the blister covers almost the entire pad . According to Telehealth , he should be fine as long as he keeps the blisters intact and he doesn 't get an infection . He 's protecting that hand fairly fiercely , keeping it curled up in a fist for the most part , so fingers crossed on that front , everyone . I 'd also like to take the opportunity to thank the nurse at Telehealth . She was very understanding and quickly grasped the difficulties that Alex 's autism presents . An excellent professional assessment and I only regret that I didn 't catch her name . Thank you . He 's doing very well with using his left hand for everything and aside from not using that right hand , he 's pretty much back to normal . I just have to share about this because it is too cute and too funny . On Sunday , Alex went to the grocery store with his Dad . They went right past the toys and balloons without a whimper but when they went down the paper goods aisle , he got quite excited and demanded " Toilet paper ! " We needed to pick some up so Dave got an eight pack and gave it to him . Well , Alex hugged that pack to him all through the grocery store . And in the car . And once he got home . He even ended up taking it to bed with him . We snuck it out of his room and put it away in the closet . When he got up on Monday , he demanded it right away . " Toilet paper ! " I told him it had been put away and tried to distract him with other toys but no luck . He was absolutely insistent . He even dragged a chair over to the closet and tried to reach it himself . Eventually , I gave in and let him haul it around again . To give you an idea on how popular it 's been , his second favourite toys have been a pair of yellow balloons . Nathan took one and Alex howled and tried to get it back , dropping the toilet paper in the process . Nathan , crafty little soul that he is , dropped the balloon and grabbed the toilet paper . Alex immediately abandoned the balloon and went to rescue the toilet paper , leaving Nathan to enjoy the balloons . It 's all over now . The decorations have been packed away for yet another eleven months and tucked into their corner of the basement . Overall it 's been a good holiday but I think we 're all looking forward to getting back into the routine . On other notes , Alex has been having a lot of trouble going to sleep lately . Although he 's been going to bed at the regular time , it was starting to be normal occurrence that he was still awake after eleven and sometimes even midnight . Dave made a great observation that maybe it was the overhead light keeping him awake ( Alex is tall enough to manipulate the switch himself and often turns it back on after we turn it off ) . So we removed the bulbs from the lamp and left a dim nightlight on a high shelf so that he had a little light . He was asleep within fifteen minutes . And today he 's been sweet and attentive without the usual tantrums . The big test will come tonight to see if he goes to sleep again . Fingers crossed . |
Posted on September 28 , 2006 by Sarah 20 Amma didn 't even call me to eat food that day . I couldn 't understand why she didn 't believe me . I thought of the all the incidents that happend after we were introduced to him . I thought of the times Amma hit me . Then I remembered the time she slapped me . I had to go for French tuition in Kalathipady junction which was 2o minutes away from where I lived . My tuition was from 5 . 30 to 6 . 30pm . There was only one bus from Kalathipady to Kottayam at 6 . 45pm . The next bus was at 7 . 30 pm . I always made sure that , I wouldn 't miss the 6 . 45pm bus , because towards night , there are more men travel by bus than woman and it isn 't safe . That day , my tuition teacher was celebrating her son 's birthday . " Nina stay for few minutes and eat the cake before you go " She told me after the lessons " No , Madam , I will miss the bus and I will be late " " Nina , there is a bus at 7 . 15 pm and I will wait with you at the bus stand " I couldn 't resist a piece of cake and I stayed back and took the 7 . 15 pm bus . There were hardly any female passengers in the bus and all the women 's only seats were occupied by men . some of them were whistling at me and passing rude jokes . I was so angry with myself for staying back , just to eat a piece of cake , instead of leaving on time . I was relieved when the bus reached Collectorate junction . When I was geetting down from the bus , I saw Amma standing there . I was so happy to see her . Amma came towards me and slapped me infront of everyone at the bus stand and asked me " Where were you till now ? " I didn 't understand why she slapped me . Everyone around us was looking at me . " I went for my french tuition Amma " I spoke indignantly " Really ? Amma sniffed around my body " Then why does your hair smell cigarette smoke ? " I didn 't know why my hair smelled of cigarette . I didn 't smoke . I tried to explain to her about the birthday party at the teacher 's house . Amma didn 't listen and she pulled my hand and dragged me home . If Amma got upset with me tWhen I reached the railway station , I looked for the auto driver who sang the kannade nee enne song the last time I was there . I wanted him to be the part of the farewell . I thought of him saying sadly " Ayyoda , ethiney alley njan annu kaliakkiye . Kashtam , pavam kochu " He wasn 't there . I laughed at my own stupidity thinking about the odds in finding an auto driver among all the auto drivers in Kottayam . Some train had arrived and there were absolute chaos infront of the station . I saw a man getting out of the auto and helping his mother to get out . She wore white chatta and mundu . I watched him asking the porter " Chetta , Did Jayanthi arrive already ? " " Aiyyo Mone , Jayanthi is about to leave now . Run along . Don 't waste your time to buy the ticket . Tell the TTE ( travelling ticket examiner ) that you didn 't get time to buy the ticket and he would understand " " Ammachi va ( come ) " I watched the man holding his mother 's hand and walking quickly . I too followed . I too have an Ammachi , even if she doesn 't want me , she never ceases to be my Ammachi . It was the first time in my life , I travelled without a ticket . I was petrified . I thought of all the possible excuses I would give the TTE . I found a seat and I sat down . from where I sat , I could see the connecting door that connects one bogie to another . I kept looking at the door to see if the TTE is coming . Everytime a tea / coffee seller came through the connecting door , my heart missed a beat . Finally when the train reached Chengannur station , I was the first passenger out . I still had one obstacle . The dreaded ticket collector . There were many passengers near the entrance . I smiled at the ticket collector and told him " My Amma is waiting behind the queue with the tickets . I am going to get an auto " he nodded his head and I ran out holding my heart in my hand . I had no money to take a bus , so I walked , past Ammachi 's and mine favourite parippuvada shop near the corner of the main road and railway station road . Chengannur hasn 't changed a bit in the last 6 years . I wondered what Ammachi would say , when she sees me . When I reached the junction near my home , I looked for Mathai Chettan . There was no sign of him . I loooked at the thattukada ( corner shop ) to see if Mathai Chettan is sleeping infront of the shop . The man who runs the shop came out , when he saw me . He was staring at me and I smiled at him . There was no way Unnichettan would forget me , after all I am the one who asked him for peda pazham , When he said , there are no more poovanpazham . " Nina , is that you ? " I smiled and nodded my head . " Did you get any peda pazham ? " " Go , Unnichetta , Stop teasing me " " Why didn 't you come home all these days ? Your Ammachi never stopped talking about you " " I am home Unnichetta , I am finally home . " I couldn 't wait to meet my Ammachi . " I will see you later Unnichetta " I ran down the slope , where Appa used to hold me . I tried to see if I could spot a bit of the thatched roof of my home . I couldn 't . Posted on September 28 , 2006 by Sarah 30 Did all the uncles hug their nieces like this ? That was the biggest question I had . I wanted to speak to someone . But there was no one to speak to . Maria was laying down in the bed and reading a novel . I wanted to ask her , so I sat up in my bed . I tried to think of a way , I could ask Maria , if my uncle 's behaviour is normal or not ? Would she laugh at me , like the time she laughed at me , when I got my periods the first time ? I didn 't know anything about periods and I thought I had cancer . Maria and Amma laughed at me so much , when I went to them crying and saying I had cancer . I am tired of everyone laughing at me and calling me buddumas ( ignoramus ) . Maria got up to adjust her pillows and she saw me looking at her . " What are you staring at me for ? " I wanted so badly to tell her what is bothering me . I just couldn 't . Maria was not the type of sister you could discuss your problems with . " Nothing " . I went back to bed . When I woke up in the morning , I knew what I would do . I will make sure , I am not alone with Acha . It was a simple and neat plan . When I went to the dining room to eat my breakfast , everything was normal " Had a good sleep Nina ? " Acha asked . He was looking at me and smiling kindly . " Yes , I did . Thank you " I responed . I didn 't understand anything anymore . I was so confused . I wish I had a best friend , whom I could ask , how does a normal uncle behave . I so very badly wanted to go back to Kerala . My house in Kerala even without all the fancy trimmings was a safe haven . We were leaving on saturday evening . Normally the driver drops us to Bangalore railway station . This time Acha said he would drop us to the station as he was going to Chickamagalore . I counted the hours to go back home . Before leaving Amma still had shopping to do . " Why don 't you and Maria go for shopping ? " Acha asked Amma . I wanted to go too , not because I wanted to shop , but I was safe with my mother and sister " Can I come too ? " I asked Amma " Nina , stay here with your sisters and help me to pack the bags " " No Amma , I want to come with you " I pleaded . " Come on Nina , stop being a pest " Maria spokeWhy don 't you people understand that I don 't want to be alone with Acha . I wanted the words to come out . But it didn 't . I watched the car leaving with my only security in this world . The gates of the hell was closed and I was still inside . I consoled myself as I had my younger sisters . " Liza and Sally , come and help me to pack the bags " I ordered and quickly went to the bedroom . Acha was watching us and I knew , he won 't touch me infront of my sisters . I finished packing all the bags and I wanted to bath before we leave . " Liza and Sally , I am going to have my bath . You guys are going to stay here . Till I come out of the shower , don 't move from here " " Ok Nina " Liza agreed " You guys understand right ? You will not move from here till I come out of the shower " " Yes Nina , we understood " Liza sounded annoyedI went confidentally for my shower , knowing that I am safe , if my sisters are outside the door . I was actually proud of my intelligence . I must have taken the fastest shower I have ever taken in my life , because I was also worried about leaving my sisters alone outside . I quickly got dressed and opened the door . My sisters were not in the room , but he was there . His eyes were twinkiling and the look on his face , that haunts me to this day . " You tell your mother , I will kill both of you " That was his parting words . I was numb . I couldn 't think any more . I walked out of the room and found my sisters . They were cycling outside " Liza and Sally . . Didn 't I tell you not to leave the room till I come out of the shower ? " I was so mad at them , I wanted to kill both of them . " Your sister is jealous because I didn 't get a bicycle for her " He was still smiling kindly . I sat down on the step , I watched my mother and sister returning . They must have been blind , because they didn 't see the dry tears in my eyes , or perhaps they too were playing the same game and it was normal for them . I watched Amma asking Acha " Where did you get the bicycles ? " " Across the street . They rent bicycles in one of the shops there . I thought , they might as well learn to bicycle " On the way back to Bangalore in his car , I wasn 't sure who I was . The Nina I knew was dead . This was somebody else . I felt like a stranger to myself . There was an emptiness , that I couldn 't understand anymore . But I knew , come what may , I will tell my mother about her wonderful brother . I couldn 't speak to her in the train as there were other passengers . When the train reached Kottayam , I counted the seconds before I could reach home . The auto was struggling up the hill from the railway station . I wanted to kill the driver for going slow . When we reached our home , Amma was taking a long time to open the door . " Give me the key " I yelled . Amma looked at me stunned . I snatched the key from her hands and opened the door . The house was dusty and smelled terrible . " Oh god , it will take me the whole day to clean and get this house back in order " I heard Amma speaking . I wanted to tell her , but Liza and Sally were with me . I watched Amma going to the kitchen , she took the broom from behind the kitchen door and I followed her . Like a dam the burst the wall , I told my mother everything that happend to me in Mysore . Amma still had the broom in her hand , she came towards me . " How dare you lPosted in Uncategorized | 30 Replies Posted on September 27 , 2006 by Sarah 18 That night after Maria 's birthday party , Amma was in a bad mood . She was yelling at us for every single thing . The only way to escape the trouble was to sleep and I tucked my sisters to bed and I went to bed . It was very cold outside . From my window I could see the moon shining . I tried to find the stars Appa has shown me , when I was little . Why couldn 't my father be like Acha ? It is not that we don 't have money ! Appa for sure earns more than Acha . I was tired of blaming my destiny for all the unhappiness in my life . Maria and I are born in the same family , yet Maria gets everything and I get nothing . Why am I so unlucky . I hoped atleast in the future , I would be happy . I so very badly wanted to find someone who would love me and care for me the same way Acha treats Maria . I hoped one day my father would come back and we will have a normal family . I dreamed of the day , I would meet someone who would celebrate my birthday with a cake . Ever since Akkachi left , no one ever baked a birthday cake for me . I wanted a white cake with pink rose flowers . Sometime in the middle of the night , I woke up with a shock . I could hear someone yelling and people running . I looked around me and everything was dark . It took me sometime to find my bearings and realize that I am in Mysore . The first thing I thought was my sisters . I got up from the bed and went to check on Maria . Her bed was empty , I ran to my sisters room . Liza was sound asleep . Sally was sitting on the bed and crying " What is going on Nina ? Why is everyone screaming ? I am scared Nina . " " Don 't worry Sally . I am here " . I hugged her . I could hear my heart going dub dub dub . " Wait here Sally . I will go and see what is going on " " Nina , please don 't go . I am scared " Sally was crying " I will come now . I need to know what is going on " . I was worried about Maria and my mother . I pushed Sally 's hand from my hand and walked out . My heart was beating so fast , I thought I would die . I tried to think of all the wayFrom the living room , what I saw was unbelievable . The most powerful man after the chief minister in Bangalore was jumping up and down on his bed , holding a gun and screaming " what is going on ? " I asked " Nothing , you go back to bed " Amma yelled . I had no intention of going back to bed . I watched Amma telling Acha " Come on , you must have imagined the cockroach . There is no cockroach any where in this house " " No . I saw it crawling under bed " screamed my unlce waving the gun and all of us took few steps back wards . It took me a few minutes to realize that my wonderful powerful uncle is scared of cockroaches . I wanted to laugh , but my uncle still had the gun . I watched the security guard bringing in the ridsect spray . My mother finally convinced Acha to get down from his bed . Amma turned around and saw me " What are you standing there for ? Didn 't I tell you to go back to bed ? " She screamed . I quickly closed the door and went back to Sally 's room . " What is going on Nina ? " Sally asked me " You won 't believe it ! Acha is scared of cockroaches ! " " really ? Is that why he was screaming ? " Sally asked me " yep . . He was standing on the bed , with his gun in his hand and screaming . I think he was going to shoot the cockaroach " Sally and I laughed so much . Things are never the way you think they are . The place that I thought would be my home was beginning to be my jail . One evening while everyone was sitting down for dinner , Acha asked me " Nina , can you get me my pills . It is on the right side of my bed table " . I was glad that Acha asked me for help . I was very jealous of Maria getting all the attention . Maria didn 't look pleased that Acha asked me to get his medicine and said . " I can get the medicine for you Acha " and Maria got up from the chair . " Maria , I asked Nina for help . You will help when I ask you " Acha spoke . Wow ! He stood up for me . I so very badly wanted to stick my tongue at Maria . I knew I would get in to trouble , if I did that infront of Acha , so I walked towards the room and just when I reached the door I turned around and stuck my tongue out . " She stuck her tongue at me " Maria screamed . " No I didn 't " I quickly walked in to Acha 's room . There were 2 bedside tables on either side of his bed . I couldn 't find the pill box on either side . I was just about to go out and ask Acha where he kept the medicines and I heard him speaking " aiyyo Your sister is blind as a bat . Look how long she takes to get the medicne . I am sure she doesn 't even know what is a bed side table ! " Maria was laughing and I was mad . I knew what is a bed side table and there is no medicine box anywhere on either side of the table . I marched out fuming and I bumped in to Acha near the door . He was grinning and he started to hug me . It didn 't feel normal . I started to push him and the more I struggled , the more stronger he became . Eventually he let go of me . He was still grinning and he spoke " bodoh , the medicine is there , see , on the bedside table " I was breathless , angry and upset . I watched my uncle walking to his cupboard and taking the medicines out of the cupboard . I suddenly understood , this is a totally different game and I have no idea , what are the rules . I wanted to tell Amma , what Acha did to me , but I also knew my mother . Posted on September 26 , 2006 by Sarah 21 We were leaving Mysore on saturday morning . Before we left I saw Amma going to the garden and taking seeds and seedlings to plant in our house in Kottayam . I don 't know why , but I felt angry . Although I know she only took few seeds and plants , to me , her actions were sacrilegeous . She was desecrating my Acha 's garden . I so very badly wanted to tell her to leave Acha 's garden alone , but between the two of us , I didn 't know , who Acha belonged . As the driver started to drive , I watched the guard opening the door and the moment we crossed the gate , he locked up the gate again . I wasn 't sure , when the gate would open for me again , But I knew deep in my heart , this is home and I will be back . Within 2 days after coming back home , we got a new telephone connection . I thought of my father . I could write to him and tell him our new number . But then I thought , why should I bother ? He doesn 't want me . Anyway I have Acha now . A new father , better than the original . Acha started calling everyday evening at 7 pm . All of us would crowd around the phone to speak to him . " Amma , Can I speak to Acha first ? Maria gets to speak to him first everyday " I asked Amma " Oh , Nina , what difference does it make ? " I couldn 't explain to her , what difference does it make . Initially Maria spoke for 5 minutes and then gave the phone to me . As the days passed , she was speaking to him for hours and I was tired to wait for my turn . I couldn 't understand , why Acha never asks for me . Why Maria gets everything ? All I ever wanted was for someone to love me . Maria gets my mother 's love , uncle George adores her , Tante Ida adores her , now Acha also loves her more than me . Why don 't anyone love me ? Why am I so unlucky ? Ammachi used to love me , but then she didn 't want me anymore , Akkachi loved me and she went off without even saying a bye to me . There was nobody for me . I had absolutely no one to love me . We went back to Mysore during Christmas holidays . I thought I would feel excited . But I didn 't . The last 2 months , Acha never once asked for me or spoke to me . I couldn 't make Acha love me . Maria was the lucky one . Acha send the driver to pick us up from Bangalore railway station . On the way the driver asked us , if we wanted to eat something " No , we don 't want to waste time . Just hurry up " Maria sounded annoyed . I was hungry and my sister didn 't even bother to ask , if I wanted to eat anything . Nobody ever think of me . As the car pulled up the drive way , I saw Acha waiting for us near the main door . I watched Maria running to him and then jumping up and down screaming " Oh my goodness , Oh my goodness " What is going on ? I walked up to the main entrance . There was a huge banner in the living room written " Happy Birthday Maria " I looked at Acha and Amma . it didn 't make sense to me , Maria 's birthday is in November . I watched Acha holding Maria 's hand and going inside the house . He didn 't even say Hello to me . I heard him telling Maria , " I wanted to surprise you , although it is 7 weeks late " On the dining table there was a beautifully wrapped gift . Acha gave the gift to chechy and told her " Go on , open it " I watched Maria opening the pink colour wrapping paper . Inside , there was the most beautiful Binny Silk * saree . Turquoise blue saree with navy blue border . There was also a matching blue blouse . " Go wear it " Acha orderedMaria ran to the room to change . I watched Acha signalling to the maid and her bringing a new gift and placing it on the table . I was jealous of Maria . Nobody ever gave me a birthday gift and she is getting 2 gifts on the same day . When Maria came out of the room , she looked exquisite . The name kochumaharani ( little princess ) fitted her more than me . Maria saw the new gift on the table . She looked at Acha and said " Oh Acha , you shouldn 't have bought all these " " Open it " Acha ordered againI watched Maria opening the wrapping paper . Inside the gift box , there were 2 blue jewellery boxes . Maria opened the first one . " Oh my goodness , Oh my goodeness ! Amma see this " She ran towards Amma to show her . I craned my neck to look . Acha gave her a complete set of turquoise ( semi precious stone ) jewellery . There was a chain , 4 bangles and a pair of earrings . Maria opened the other blue box , it had a pearl set . " Maria , these are real pearls . You have to take good care of them . You see this cloth ? " Acha opened the box and showed her a piece of silk cloth . " You have to wipe the pearls clean , each time , after you wore the pearls , or the sweat will discolour the pearls " " Do you know why I gave you 2 sets of jewellery " Acha asked herMaria shook her head " When you wear the saree in the morning , wear the pearl jewellery . It looks more sophisticated . At night , when you go for a party wear the turquoise jewellery . By changing the accessories , you can change the way you look " " You didn 't have to buy all these " Amma didn 't sound too happy . Acha ignored AmmaI heard someone singing Happy Birthday and I turned to look . The maid was bringing in the birthday cake . Everyone started to sing . The maid kept the cake on the table . I watched her lighting 24 candles . The cake had the same colour icing as Chechy 's saree . I watched Acha holding Maria 's hand to cut the cake . Chechy gave the first piece to Acha . I looked at my mother . She had hatred in her eyes and I felt sorry for my mother . * Binny Silk : In the mid 80 's , Binny silk sarees were very popular in Kerala . It was ' the ' saree to wear for weddings . Most had , the mustard yellow saree with navy blue border . Posted on September 25 , 2006 by Sarah 10 After my riding lessons I came home to find Maria and Amma discussing with Acha . I don 't trust my mother when it comes to making a decision . So I sat outside in the verandah , pretending to read the paper , so I could hear what they are talking . I know , Maria has already received 2 offer from the companies that came to her University for campus interview . " What is your plan , Maria ? " Acha asked her " I want to go to US to study . I want to do master 's degree " " That is a good idea " Acha agreed ' phew ! , I was relieved . I felt I don 't have to stick around and listen to the rest of the conversation . Anyway , Acha is well educated . He will make the right choices . I got up from the chair and I heard " Would your father be supporting you financially ? " Acha asked " I don 't know ! " Maria was not sure . " You can 't got to US without any financial security Maria . It is not like India , where you can survive even with 1000RS / month . You need money for your books , accomodation , transport , even winter cloths . If you are not sure of your father 's financial help , then you are taking a big risk " " What do you think Mary ? Do you think he will send her money ? " Acha asked Amma " That man ? He will rather , his daughters starve and die than spend money on their education " It hurt , when Amma speak like that about my father . I know Appa can be mean . But he is my father and I wished Amma will stop speaking so badly about my father . " Why don 't you work in India for couple of years , save money and then go to US " " Maria , I think , That is a splendid idea " Amma spoke . " I don 't know ! " Maria answered . " All my friends are going to US and Uncle Geroge is there in New York . I am sure , if I need any help , he will certainly help me ! " " George ? Our Dr . George ? That henpecked doctor ? Oh Maria , He needs his wife 's permission to pee ! . I stayed with them , when I went to New York . I don 't know how he lives with that woman . She is the one who wears pant in their house and ther ' Wow ! . Full scholorship ! I was happy for Maria . Finally she gets everything she wanted . She is safe in Acha 's company and in a few years , she will go to US ' Friday evening I watched the maid packing Acha 's bags " Why are you packing his bag ? " I asked her " He is going home to Chickamagalore today ! " I watched the maid packing new sarees and salwars that Acha bought for his wife and daughter . Only then I realized , he does have another family . Much as I wanted , he isn 't my father . He is somebody 's father . I couldn 't understand , why everybody else gets everything better and I am the only one who gets the crumbs under the table . Posted on September 22 , 2006 by Sarah 20 My appointment at the hospital was at 9 AM . Amma and Acha came with me . As I entered the hospital , I felt terminally ill . There were 6 doctors attending to me . One doctor in white coat asked me " Can you walk ? do you need a wheel chair ? " I looked at my mother , because I got so worried . I thought may be there is something really wrong with me . May be I have cancer and that is why Amma bought me here . Except for occasional fever and running nose , I wasn 't sick at all . Then I remembered the ear infection I had some months ago . Was that a sign of cancer ? Is that why she brought me here ? Am I dying ? Is that why Acha is nice to me ? Amma looked at me angrily , because I didn 't answer the doctor who asked me if I needed a wheel chair . " No , she is fine . She is a little bit shy " Amma spoke on my behalf . The moment the doctor turned his back , my mother screetched in Malay " Can 't you bloody answer the doctor ? Must you be so dumb ? " I didn 't answer back . I hoped Acha would understand me . He too didn 't say anything . I had three tests for hearing . I wasn 't worried about the results . I knew I am deaf and there is nothing could be done about it . The chief consultant came with all my tests results . I watched him explaining to Amma and Acha my tests results . When he finished all the explanations I asked him " Will I be able to do medicine ? " I could see the disbelief in my mother 's face . Her deaf and dumb and blind daughter wants to do medicine ! . She gave me ' How stupid can anyone get ' kind of look . I ignored her . The doctor looked at me and at my audiogram report . He smiled at me and spoke " You can be a doctor Nina . You are only deaf in 2 frequency ranges . You won 't hear a phone ringing or a car honking , but you will be able to hear a heartbeat using a stethoscope . God has been kind to you ! " I nodded my head and said " Thank you " . As we left the hospital Acha spoke to me " I didn 't know you want to do medicine " " She is like her father , always wants things you cIn the evening we went to the Mysore gardens to watch the dancing lights . While everyone stood to watch , someone got chairs for us to sit inside the barricaded area . I could see people pointing to us and saying " VIP 's ! " . I felt so important . I sat on my chair with my feet tucked neatly under the chair and my hands folded on my lap . I had to act dignified , not the dookkily malayalee from Kerala . I was awaken in the morning by the maid with a cup of earl grey tea brewed to perfection . " Madam , your riding instructor is waiting for you outside . " I looked at Maria who was drinking her tea and reading the paper and asked her " What riding instructor ? " " We are going to learn horseback riding Nina " " Really ? " I couldn 't beleive it . " Yes really , the instructor is bringing all our stuff today . Acha ordered brand new breeches , boots and helmets for us " I loved Acha . He was the best thing that ever happend to me . Posted on September 21 , 2006 by Sarah 18 " What is the only thing you really want ? Acha asked us . " Sally , you are the youngest and you get the first chance . " I watched Sally 's face beaming with joy . Sally spend the least amount of time with Appa compared to all four of us . I was happy for my baby sister . She finally gets to feel the love and affection of a father . " I want a new school bag , new shoes and crayons " replied Sally " What about you Liza ? " Acha asked her " I want a new dress " I knew I have to tell Acha next , what I really wanted . I thought of all the things I wanted . New dress ? New shoes ? Then I remembered . " Bangles ! . I want green colour glass bangles " " Ok . What about you Maria ? " Acha asked her " Silver anklets . I always wanted a silver anklet . " " Me too " I spoke . When Appa came home last time , I begged him to buy me a silver anklett . He said it is a waste of money . " Well , Nina , you already made your choice . You said you wanted glass bangles and you will get that . " I couldn 't get it . How could my sister be so smart and me so dumb ? Why did I choose bangles , of all the possible things that I could get ? I was angry with myself , for being so stupid . We went to the town to shop . On the way , Acha pointed the Mysore palace . The silhouette of the palace was lit with thousands of lights and the whole palace stood out magnificiently in the middle of nowhere . " Who can guess how many bulbs they have used for lighting the palace ? " Acha asked us " I don 't know " Sally spoke " 1000 ? " Liza answered " 10 . 000 " I said " 30 , 000 " Maria repliedoh pinney , 30 , 000 ! . You must be joking . How can anyone put 30 , 000 bulbs to light a place . I was pretty sure , there would be maximum of 10 , 000 lights . I waited for my uncle to announce the winner . " None of you got it right . There are more than 95 , 000 bulbs " I looked at the palace again . I just couldn 't believe there were that much of lights . " Tomorrow , you guys can visit the palace and watch the bands practicing for the Dasera parade " " What isAcha bought me 2 dozens of green glass bangles . I wore 6 on each hand and saved the rest . I kept moving my hand to hear the bangles making the sound . I was so happy . We went to eat dinner at the Ananthavihar restaurent . By the time we finished eating dinner , I was tired . I watched my uncle telling something to the driver and him opening the glove compartment of the car . I saw him taking out something . I watched in horror as my uncle took out a revolver from the brown holder and checking it " You have a gun ? " I asked him " Ofcourse " " Why ? " " For protection " I looked at him , hoping he would explain . Why does he need a gun ? " Nina , We are going up Chamundi hills . I want to show you guys , the city from the top of the hills and the best time to view the city is in the night . Unfortunately , there used to be some highway robbers there earlier and I just want to make sure , we are safe " I didn 't want to be safe with a gun . I couldn 't understand anything anymore . My father never carried a gun and I was safe without one till now . Does it mean that , everyone who works for my uncle carries a gun ? Does the driver too carry a gun ? What am I getting myself in to ? Posted on September 20 , 2006 by Sarah 17 " We have reached home " Announced my uncle . Home ? I looked outside . Unaka kolli ( Goodness gracious ) , This isn 't home , this is a mansion . The house was a colonial building with a tall pointed roof , walls were painted yellow and windows were painted blue . There was a beautiful garden with lots of roses and so many other plants , I have never seen before . The best part of all was the pond in the middle of the garden with a fountain from a statue of a woman holding a pot . I hoped there would be fish in the pond . I watched the guard opening the gate and standing in attention and saluting . My uncle just nodded his head . The driver got out of the car first and ran to the other side to open the door for my uncle . ' Why can 't he just open the door by himself ? ' I couldn 't understand all these formalities . I wanted to open the door and get out , but Amma was on one side and Maria was on the other side and both waited for the driver to open the door . Suddenly , my poor humble family became very posh and formal . I was irritated with my mother and my sister . Till yesterday , they travelled in public bus and now they can 't even open a car door . I got out of the car and walked towards the main entrance . There was a plaque on the wall near the main . I started to read it , while everyone was busy getting the luggage out . The house was built by some British guy in 1912 . The total cost for the building the house was 12000 Rs . ' wow , that was so cheap ! ' I thought . My uncle was watching me . " You see the house across the road ? " he pointed across the road " Hmmm " I nodded my head . There was another colonial mansion across the street with an out door patio and trellis roof . " Sometime ago a famous malayalam movie was shot there . " " Which movie ? Who was acting ? Did you see the actors ? " I asked " Nah , I don 't have time to sit around and watch all these things " I thought , ' Silly old man . Full of ' show ' . Don 't have time to see who was the actor . As though he runs India ! ' I wanPosted in Uncategorized | 17 Replies Posted on September 19 , 2006 by Sarah 27 Someone once told me , life is like a game of chess , you keep playing with life as a pawn hoping to get the king . Now I am faced with the reality of worrying how the ' king ' will react . On one hand is my story and that of many women like me , on the other hand is my safety and that of my sisters . I have kept quiet till now , because I was worried about my family 's safety . I have often wondered , Should I be a coward . or should I go for the kill ? Then I realized , that was ' his ' intention . He ruled by instilling fear . Fear of retaliation . I am aware that , he is still capable of inflicting harm , but my story has to be told . So that , the next powerful man will know , power and authority comes with responsibilities . If it isn 't today , then tomorrow someone will find their voice . So to all of you who wants to know who ' he ' is , I can only tell you this much right now . At one time , he held the highest power of authority in the Indian civil service . He dined with ministers , travelled with diplomats , even got the police to arrest people I know on trumped up charges and wrecked what was left of my family . He is my nemesis and my uncle . Medhu VadaI was still in shock . I was like Alice in wonderland . Although everyone called me kochumaharani , that was just a name . Now I really felt I am the little royal princess . As we walked to the car , the driver and the security guard , cleared the way for us . I could see the awe in the eyes of strangers . 10 minutes ago , the same strangers were pushing and shoving me and now they stood in attention and was watching us with respect . I felt important . He sat in the front seat and the five of us sat at the back seat . I watched the driver barking at people , so they move away from the car . A lot of things were coming clear in my head . I remembered the fights my mother had with her mother , regarding someone in India . I remembered my father fighting with Amma for the same reason . I remembered Tante Ida telling us about her brother , who came to study iPosted in Uncategorized | 27 Replies Posted on September 18 , 2006 by Sarah 21 " We are going to Mysore on friday " Amma announced as I came home . " What ? " I was really surprised . " Why are we going to Mysore ? " " To see the Doctor for your check up ! " " What check up ? " The only image that went through my head was the image of a mental hospital . Is Amma taking me to a mental hospital , because I have been giving her so much trouble ? Is she going to lock me up in some institution ? I looked at my mother to see , what kind of a trap she is putting me in . " Nina , remember , when we first went to the audiologist at the District hospital , he said that , I should take you to the All India Institute of hearing in Mysore ? " I tried to remember . Yeah , something like that was said at that time . " But Amma why now ? I don 't have any hearing problems and I can ' lip read ' well . Besides the Dr . did say that , my nerves are affected and nothing can be done ! " " I want a second opinion Nina " Wow , I couldn 't believe my ears . My mother wants me to see a specialist . Finally she is concerned about my hearing . It was the best news I have ever heard . Not only that , we are going to Mysore . A long distance journey . Apart from the few places in Kerala , I have only been to Madras . I was so excited . " Amma , is Mysore ' cold ' like Kashmir ? Does it snow there ? " " Oh no Nina , It doesn 't snow there . It will be a bit cold , that is all " I was disappointed . I wanted to see the snow . I wanted to make a snow man and place a carrot as a nose like in the story books . But the thought of going for a trip , after such a long time , that was exciting . We took the Island express train from Kottayam . Maria had reserved a berth for all of us . " I want the window seat " Liza was the first and she claimed the window seat . Maria took the seat opposite to her . " Can I sit at the window seat Maria ? " I asked her " No way " " Amma , she always gets the window seat , whenever she went to Delhi . Why can 't I get the window seat ? " " Aren 't you ashamed of yourself Nina ? You are always full of complaints . We are going all the way to Mysore for your check up and you can 't be a little bit grateful can you ? " I didn 't say anything . I didn 't want to be the one , who spolied a good trip . I sat down next to Liza . There were lots of people in the train . Amma was already busy speaking to the other passengers . I took my story book and started to read . I was not interested to speak to anyone . Most of the passengers got off in Ernakulam station . I had enough space to lay down and read my book . Some where after Thrissur an old man and his wife entered our compartment . They had two big bags with them and Amma helped them to place it under the seat . Till now I could lay down comfortably on the lower berth , Now I had to sit down and read , so the old man and his wife could sit down . Why did they have to enter this compartment ? . The train has atleast 20 compartments and I am stuck with 2 old people . " Which class are you in ? " I heard the old man asking me . I pretended to be engrossed in my story . " Nina , he is talking to you " Amma reached across from the other side and pulled the book from my hand . I looked at the old man and forced a sweet smile " Sorry Appacha , I didn 't hear you " " That is ok , So what are you studying ? " " Pre - degree " I answered " First group ah ? " " No , second group " " She got 98 marks for maths in SSLC and she didn 't want to do maths . These days , children make their own decisions . We , parents have no choice " Amma intervened . " True , kids these days have everything given to them in a silver plate . In my time , we had to walk furlongs to go to schoThe train reached Bangalore in the early morning . " How are we going to Mysore , Amma ? " " Car would be waiting for us outside " " Car ? Whose Car ? " I asked her " You will see " I didn 't understand . I helped Amma to carry the bags . We had to walk on the overhead bridge . I walked behind her , people were shoving and pushing each other . When we reached the middle of the bridge , I stopped . I looked down and saw the trains passing underneath the bridge . It was funny , because I used to stand on top of the tunnel in Kottyam and watch the trains passing by . There was a thrill , knowing that I am standing on top of a moving train " Hurry up Nina , stop wasting the time . He is waiting for us " " Who ? " I asked AmmaShe ingnored me and continued to walk . We reached the main gate and Amma handed our tickets to the ticket examiner . As soon as we passed the ticket examiner , Amma stopped . I watched a man approaching us . He was wearing a coat and a suite . He came to us smiling " So how was the journey " " Tiring la . Next time I will take the plane ! " Amma answered " So you are Maria ? " He looked at chechy and chechy smiled and said " yes " " And you must be Nina mol ? " A 1000 lights flashed in my head . I tried to shake it off . " Apa khabar ? " He smiled and asked meI looked at him , there were too many ill fitting pieces in my jigzaw puzzle . Who is this guy ? How does he know to speak Malay ? He said hello to my younger sisters . I watched him ordering his driver to take our bags to the car " Do you want to eat something now or you want to wait ? There is a nice restaurent on the way to Mysore . We can eat there , if you guys can wait another 1 hour . " " We are not hungry now , we will eat later " Maria spoke " Ok " . " Come on " he held Liza 's and Sally 's hand and he started to walk towards his car . I watched the police man near the entrance saluting him . I suddenly understood . |
June 27 , 2014June 27 , 2014 ~ S . L . Gavyn Hey all ! I 've got an update as far as Fabled Freebie Friday goes . Last week I added a new " Contact " page . There 's a form there to fill out to join my email distribution list . By Friday , July 4th I plan to have The Fabled published . So this will be my last Fabled Freebie Friday but , for those that sign up for my email distribution list , I will email a coupon code for a free copy of the Fabled . That 's right . All you have to do is sign up for my email list and as soon as The Fabled goes live I will email you a coupon code for a free copy . This is my way of saying thanks for taking the time to read my books . I will also be running several contests over the next couple of months so those that join my email list will learn about them first and automatically be entered into the contest . There will be more about this as it happens . So sign up and you 'll be one of the first to read the entire story of The Fabled . Thanks again and much love . At noon I woke up and went for a run . It was early October in Georgia so it was still really hot during the middle of the day but I needed the run . It always helps me to clear my mind of all the clutter taking up residence so I did my best thinking when I was pounding the pavement . The problem is that as far as this case goes I don 't have the slightest idea of who could be doing this . None of it makes sense . We have someone who obviously has it out for Roman that is choosing vamps from his club and turning them over for humans to steal . Then there is the illusion on the wall and the headmistress at the asylum . I just can 't figure out a connection to any of it . Sure if headmistress Beasley happened to enjoy hanging out in the club and say she and Roman used to be an item but he shunned her , then it would totally make my job a lot easier . But as it is I can 't find any connection between the witches , humans and vamps and its driving me crazy . I finally called it quits when it was apparent I wouldn 't be able to figure anything else out . After a quick shower I ran a bath and soaked for close to an hour . I love taking a long hot bath . It relaxes everything including your mind . With everything going on I need all the help I can get . Roman was one of the main stressers I could think of . I would tell him first thing when I get to the club the truth about me and Tristan . He 'll be pissed that I lied and will then try to play the deception for all its worth . Somehow he 'll turn it around to me not being able to control myself around him instead of the truth that I was merely trying to keep him off me . Oh well , if he pisses me off too much about it , I have plenty of magic stored up now to wipe him off the planet . Not that I really want to hurt him . I 've never wanted that . Even when the wounds were fresh I couldn 't imagine hurting him or allowing him to be hurt in anyway . That 's what happens when you love someone with all your heart . Even their betrayal isn 't enough to cause you too wish them ill will . Well , not anything serious . After my bath I took my time lounging around the house and getting ready for the evening . I figured I would give Tristan the day off of work since we have essentially been working double shifts . We would work all day at the office then all night at the club so I think we both deserve a break . At seven - thirty he hadn 't called me . I hope his voice hasn 't given out after being choked by Roman the other night . I had noticed last night it sounded scratchy . The thought of Roman holding him over the side of the roof still pisses me off . I know I just said I didn 't wish him ill will but I really would like to kick him in the balls for what he did to my son . I decided just to drive over to get Tristan without calling him . The worst that could happen is he 'll still be in bed with whatever woman he managed to pick up today . I 'll just change my appearance to look like a fifty - year - old me and pretend to be astounded by what trollops some women had become these days . The thought made me smile . When I got to Tristan 's his car was parked on the driveway so I called his cell . I didn 't want to listen to another lecture about invading his privacy . He didn 't answer and I rolled my eyes . When will he grow up and realize some things are more important than getting laid ? I got out and knocked on his door . He didn 't answer . Huh . That 's weird . I know he 's here . I shrugged and pulled out my key . If he didn 't want me barging in then he should have at least answered the phone . There was no response so I started down the hall . I knocked on his bedroom door but it wasn 't closed completely so it opened as I knocked . He wasn 't here . Where could he be ? I tried calling his phone again and heard a vibration on the bedside table . A check showed his phone was plugged into the charger . Okay , this was beginning to freak me out . I did another search of the house but he definitely wasn 't here . There were no signs of struggle or anything that would lead me to believe he was abducted . I stopped and thought of possible explanations that didn 't equate to my son being taken . He could have ran to the store and forgot his phone or something simple like that . Yeah , that is what I 'm going to go with for now . I would just go to our local office and pull up the GPS on him . It would give me peace of mind and when he got back I will ream him for making me worry . Every agent has a tracking chip implanted in their arm for location purposes . Since this is a dangerous job it allows us to be found in the event of an emergency . I 'm sure the council uses it to keep track on us too but that never really bothered me . Right now I 'm hoping it will show us where Tristan is so I can get rid of this weight that has suddenly formed in my stomach . I pulled up the locator software and inputted Tristan 's agent number . The system started a search but soon came back with a message saying the agent couldn 't be found . So I ran it again with the same results . A third scan too . By the time I had searched for him a dozen times it felt like the computer was mocking me with the message that my son couldn 't be found . I tried to keep calm but there was no logical explanation other than Tristan being taken by someone . Who would be able to get to him ? How would they be able to take him without him at least putting up a fight ? It had to have happened at his house so I drove back . I walked up to his front door and stopped . I knelt down and touched the door mat while sending out my magic . When I brought it back in I searched through until I saw Tristan for the last time . A vamp stood on his door stoop . I have never seen him before but he wasn 't even using his magic to hide his fangs . He rang the bell and stood to the side of the door . A few seconds later Tristan opened it slowly with his knife in hand . The vamp stabbed him in the neck with a needle before Tristan could react . I could see Tristan wobble slightly and when he looked at the vamp again the vampere smiled . He told Tristan to accompany him to his car and Tristan followed the command without thought . There must have been something in the injection that made him susceptible to vampere influence because Tristan was trained to repel it . To my knowledge he has never been able to be influenced before . I stood back up and walked over to the driveway . Kneeling I sent my magic out into the asphalt . I saw a black Mercedes without tags pull up and the vamp get out alone . A few minutes later the vamp and Tristan got back in and drove away . There were no determining factors in regards to the car . It was a typical luxury Mercedes , probably a million of them on the roads . The vamp didn 't have any distinguishing marks I could see either . He had brown hair and a full beard cut short . He was of average height and build . No tattoos that I could see and no scars . I could describe him to a sketch artist then search our database but something tells me I would be wasting my time . The question is , who would send a vamp to abduct Tristan ? There is only one person who comes to mind . One person knows how much Tristan means to me and because of that hates him . One person who would have the means to hire a vamp to abduct him . I arrived at Eternal Darkness about twenty minutes later and took the time to attach my sword to my hip before starting for the bar . It was the first gift Lucian gave me . He had been training me in sword fighting for a couple of years when he presented it to me . He had commissioned a Valkyrie he knew to make it . I don 't always carry it with me because it 's hard to walk around all the time with . I do know a spell that keeps it hidden but I have to constantly work on keeping the spell up . Some people are able to do this without thought but for me it takes effort . Not to mention my magic would pull from my surrounding to feed the spell and I don 't really like doing that . It will pull from plantlife and small animals and humans . The thing about my magic is that it doesn 't discriminate . Anything that contains energy is fair game to be pulled from . I wasn 't worried about hiding my sword this time because I would be concealing myself until I found my vamp and then I would be using the sword so I wouldn 't have any use for it being hidden . Dark elves are able to conceal themselves just like light elves only they use the darkness . Their magic is connected to the dark so they will use the darkness to make them shadow . Luckily , one of my adoring fans from last night was a dark elf so I used their magic to conceal myself and used the vamp magic I had taken to quickly make my way past the bouncer out front and into the club . The band was playing already and Dan was filling in as singer . I spotted Roman sitting in his usual spot in VIP and I worked my way toward him . There were just as many people here tonight as there had been last night and as I got closer to Roman I dropped my concealment . That turned out to be a mistake because I was recognized immediately . I could hear people say my name as I passed but I ignored them . Then I heard the music stop and Dan 's voice come over the microphone . " Sunny . You 're finally here . " I ignored him too . The bouncer at the entrance to VIP eyed me warily but didn 't make a move to stop me . Good for him . I continued to walk straight up to Roman and pulled my blade as I went until it was pointed directly at his neck . He didn 't bother to even move from his seat . " I don 't really care what you believe . I 've told you the truth . I had nothing to do with the child 's disappearance . " I smiled . Carly should have known better than that . I reached up and used witch magic to cast a simple spell that would hold her in place and then I began pulling her magic into me . After several seconds she fell to her knees and I turned to look at her without breaking contact with her hand . I looked her in the eyes . " The next time you hold a blade to my neck you had better kill me because I will kill you . " I released her and she fell to the floor . " I want my boy back , Roman . I will destroy this world if I have to but I will get him back . " I used the djinn 's magic to teleport to the stage and took the mic from Dan . " Someone was taken from me . Someone I love deeply . And I will not stop until he is returned . Spread the word because whoever stole him is dead . It 's just a matter of time . " With that I teleported out of the club and to Lucian 's . I took a moment to get my emotions in order . I don 't know what to think . Roman is the top suspect but he didn 't seem to be lying when he said he knew nothing of Tristan 's disappearance . I looked toward where the voice had come and instantly he was standing in front of me . He took a second to look at me before he wrapped his strong arms around me . I tried to keep my tears in . Only a few managed to escape as Lucian held me . It didn 't surprise me he knew why I was here . Lucian had ways of acquiring information I would never know about . He led me inside and Brennan took one look at me before she too was hugging me profusely . I let her hold on for a few seconds before I moved us to the sitting room . Lucian handed me a cup of tea and I accepted it gratefully . We just sat there in silence for a moment while I gathered my thoughts then I began telling them everything I knew about Tristan 's abduction . When I finished Lucian seemed to be thoughtful for several minutes . Finally , he got up and began to slowly pace the floor . " No . He told me of the events on the roof but I thought it would be your decision to tell him the truth or not . I did tell him your relationship with Tristan wasn 't as it seemed but that was all . " " He wouldn 't do that . No matter how much he did not want Tristan in the picture he would not have harmed him . I also told him that Tristan was important to me and if anything happened to him I would not be happy . Do you think I would defend someone I truly thought may have abducted my grandson ? " His eyes widened . " He is my grandchild . I merely mean to guide him into the man I know he will once be . I have known Roman for centuries but that does not mean I would choose him over Tristan . " " I 'm sorry . It 's just that if it wasn 't Roman , who was it ? I have never seen the vampere who took him before . I have no idea if he was working alone or for someone . Where do I even begin to find any information ? " Lucian walked over to me and put his hands on my shoulders . " You need to stop thinking like a mother and start thinking like the agent I know you to be . If you allow your emotions to cloud your judgments you will never find him . " A tear slipped out and he wiped it away . It was easy to say not to let my emotions control me but my mind was screaming that my boy was gone . He could be being beaten right now while I sit here and do nothing . He could already be dead . No , I won 't go there . I can 't go there . " Stop . Your thoughts will be your downfall . The mind is a dangerous thing especially when it is lost . " He seemed thoughtful for a moment . " Perhaps there is one who can help you . She knows all and it has forced her into hiding but she might be willing to help you this once . " " Her name is Aerystasia . She is the strongest oracle to have ever lived . She is ancient and she will know what you seek before you ask it . Whether she will tell you the answer you want is the true mystery . " He waved his hands in front of him and the air began to distort . After a moment he pulled his hands back and nodded to me . I nodded back and walked through the portal . I turned to see an old woman approach me . She was dressed in rags and her hair looked to have either fallen out or been pulled out in places while the rest looked as though it had went unbrushed for centuries . There was dirt all over her and her hands had several scratches on them with the nails broken and jagged . There was a light surrounding her but it didn 't seem to be coming off of her . It just moved with her lighting her way . " You want to show me some respect ? Next time don 't come to me with your problems . There are so many thoughts and strings . Thousands of strings . If you pluck just one , just one , the whole thing might unravel . I hate when the strings get tangled . Takes forever to get the knot out . Still trying to get the knot out . " Before I could think better of it I reached out and touched her arm . Images flooded my senses so fast I felt lightheaded . Pain was the one sense that accompanied it all . I released her arm and took a step back . Before the images could leave me I sorted through what I could make sense of . She has been alone her entire life . Put on display as a child by her father and demanded to give premonition after premonition she finally managed to get away from his controlling hand only after his death . Others have tried to control her but she learned how to be cunning and lead them to their death until no one would try to take advantage of her again . Even with that freedom she was a slave to the voices . They seldom let her sleep and constantly tell her secrets , futures , deaths , she had seen and experienced it all . There was but one person in the whole world she was never able to read . A man she met in a chance encounter and then he was gone . It was only after his departure she realized she knew nothing about him . All of her life she knew everything about everyone . More secrets than she ever wanted to know . And yet with this one man she knew nothing . That was the information I needed to seek . I need to find this man for her . He will be her salvation . With the thoughts I heard whispers from within . Her magic at work . Telling me everything . All that I might want to know and all that I don 't want to know . I asked the voices where my son is and they went silent . No wonder she was crazy . All the information about anyone except the one you really want to know about . I put thoughts about Tristan aside . If I 'm lucky she will help me find him . Instead I thought about the man she could know nothing about . Because he wasn 't connected to me the voices immediately started telling me everything . I turned to Aerystasia and smiled . " He is alone . As you 've never forgotten him the same can be said for him about you . If you leave tonight , and follow the North Star , you will find him . " There were tears in her eyes and she didn 't speak for several minutes . Finally , she looked down at herself and seemed to notice the state she was in . As she looked back up at me she was a young woman in her twenties with golden locks flowing down her back and the sheath style dress she wore was pristine white . She smiled at me and I smiled back . She shook her head slightly . " That I cannot do for it would do him a great disservice . I will however allow you to rest . When you awake you will know your son 's location . " She smiled again . " Oh , and be prepared to beg . " Roman was standing in front of me smiling as he teased . He took my hand and we started along the trail again . " Come on . It 's only a little further and I want to get there before it 's too late . " Too late ? Wait . Something about this seems familiar . I followed him through the woods up a slow incline until finally the trees opened and I saw a large meadow that lead up to a cliff overlooking the canyon below . Now I know why this seems familiar . The sun was about to set and that was obviously why he wanted to hurry . I also saw that a blanket had been laid out and there was a picnic basket sitting on top . I sat down on the blanket and he poured us wine before coming to sit beside me . We could watch the sun 's full descent from our perch and it was perfect . Slowly the sky turned from a brilliant blue to an orange before turning red and finally becoming purple . His face broke into a smile and he kissed me again even more passionately . After a moment he seemed to come to his senses because he pulled back and took my hand before sliding the ring in place . I looked at it . It was beautiful . Simple but perfect in its simplicity and it appeared to be old . I 'm talking belonging in the Smithsonian old . " Then it won 't . " He looked out into the darkened sky for a few moments and I used what light there was to watch his profile . After a little while he turned back to me with an almost worried expression . What could he be worried about ? I already said yes . " Well , not to me . It means you dedicate yourself to that person for the rest of your life . I know that makes me sound like a hypocrite since I 've been divorced before but that is what I believe . You 're right . Not everyone believes that . My ex - husband for example but I do . " " No . I think we will both live an exceptionally long time . Sometimes people grow weary of each other . I only hope that will not happen with you . " My phone was ringing . I jumped up out of bed and looked around . I was in my bedroom . How did I get out of the cave ? My phone stopped ringing and immediately started again . I answered without looking at the ID . I was standing in the middle of the club but I didn 't see anyone . I started for the hallway leading back to the employee lot when the door opened and Carly motioned for me to follow . She moved around me and led the way to a room that was obviously an employee lounge . There were a couple of tables in the middle of the room with a counter running around the perimeter and cabinets above it . A microwave sat to one side with a coffee maker beside it . Toward the back was a couch and lying on it was my son . I ran to him and fell to my knees . He looked beaten and bloodied so badly I put my ear to his mouth to make sure he was breathing . I could barely feel air coming in and out . I took another look at him . Both of his arms appeared to be broken with one actually bent backward . His legs looked to be in about the same shape . I looked at his beautiful face to see a huge gash running from his right temple , bisecting the outer edge of his right eye , along his cheek and down to his jaw . It was old too . The blood had already crusted over . I turned to look at Roman . He was standing in the back corner of the room watching us . Instantly I knew what Aerystasia meant when she told me to be prepared to beg . " Because he 's my son . You asked me if I loved him and I said yes . That was the truth . I love him like any mother loves her child . " I reached over and grabbed his hand . " Please Roman . A mother isn 't supposed to outlive her children . I 've already had to do it once . I will do anything , anything at all if you will turn him . " He bowed his head for a moment before sighing and looking me in the eyes . He reached forward and ran his hand down the length of my hair . Then let it rest on my shoulder . " You say anything . I want your word . " Great . Now , what am I supposed to do ? I looked around and found Carly behind the bar pouring a drink . That sounds like a wonderful idea . I sat on the stool in front of her and she slid a drink over . I downed it in one gulp then sat the glass back on the counter . She filled it again . " Somehow that doesn 't surprise me . I was talking about telling Roman Tristan was your lover . I knew something wasn 't right with that . But I just couldn 't put my finger on it . I mean , every time we were alone he was hitting on me nonstop . I thought maybe he was just tired of having such an old lover but now I know he was just sticking to the part when he was with you . " " Yep . You hit the nail on the head . Well , except the old lover part . For the record though , I didn 't actually tell Roman that Tristan was my lover . He assumed and you know what that makes out of you . " " What 's the deal with you two anyway ? It 's obvious you have a thing for him . I would think you would want me to hurt him . Maybe leave things open for you to come in and pick up the pieces . " " I would never want him hurt . Even if that means we 're not together . The truth is he told me from the beginning he would never care for me that way . I just didn 't want to believe it . " I spent the next several hours pacing the floors of the club . Several times I thought about just barging into Roman 's office and demanding an update of Tristan 's condition . Finally , I couldn 't stand it anymore . It had been over four hours . The sun had fully risen in the sky and I needed some peace . I slowly ascended the stairs until I reached Roman 's office door then I knocked softly . I felt like a kid getting caught out of bed after bedtime . I released the breath I didn 't realize I had been holding . I opened the door slowly to see Roman sitting on one of couches with a drink in hand . I entered the room tentatively looking around for Tristan . " Good . Thank you Roman . I know you didn 't want to do it and making a child is a big deal so I 'm really grateful . " He looked at his drink for moment . " It is more than that . The bond between sire and child is irrefutable . It is not something the sire chooses . It is something ingrained in both vampere . " He sighed . " I 'm telling you that Tristan is no longer yours . He is mine . Body and soul . He is my only child and will be mine for the rest of his days . " " For now . When a vampere is made they have to relearn everything . Much like an infant . I will have to teach him how to do everything . Until he 's mastered these basic functions I think it would be best for everyone that you don 't see him . " I tentatively sat down . He walked to the corner and opened a cabinet door pulling out a blanket . He walked back over and sat it on the ottoman in front of the couch before taking a seat next to me . He looked at me contemplative . " Fishing for information about my personal life ? No Sunshine . " I rolled my eyes and he continued . " I usually send them on their way with a slap on the rear . Would you like a demonstration ? " " More than I thought which is not a surprise given that I 've never done it before . But don 't worry yourself . I 'll be right as rain tomorrow . " He laughed . " Oh you won 't be getting off that easy . Remember that I will have to teach and protect Tristan until he reaches his full power . " " You wouldn 't . There is no way you would create a child just to destroy him . As you said , there is a bond between you now . " He smiled in return . " Touché . Still , you must admit one small task like pretending to be my lover hardly equates to ' anything ' . You will do what I say until I deem you have paid your debt in full . " He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear . " You obviously don 't know me as well as I thought . See , I always get what I want . One way or another . " |
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